#i feel like im in school trying to make my essay longer so i repeat the same thing in different words

[rincewinds-hat]

i think it's ironic and poetic that the first episode of spn that has an official title is called 'Faith'

Because literally everything revolves around that.

They have to have faith in eachother, in others, they gotta have faith that things *will* work out. They need that faith because sometimes that's all they got. As they say, hope dies last (but the Winchesters will outlive it)

I also like that it's the episode where Dean almost dies, and Sam won't let him go no matter what - even if it means someone else dies. Because, again, this is a repeating theme in the show.

Another recurring theme - people playing god/being worse then some 'monsters' the brothers hunt.

It's also the first time we see a reaper, as well as the first truly religion based case. Sure, before it was the Hookman, but that's more ghost/poltergeist thing, and religion isn't that big. In Faith however, it's just about that - they go to a faith healer, people have faith that God is the one doing this, they have faith they'll be healed if they pray enough and believe... Which is the base of any religion.

[atalana]

[copied over from my cr blog, also this is gonna get long, i’d apologise but im not sorry]

okay, so

this is a rant probably about 7 years in the making, bc when i first watched lok i had not done any music study, i had not done any composing of my own, my knowledge of music theory was at a primary school level and i still thought tv soundtracks were just made by one person composing a whole cache of music and then the audio editors pick and choose what track to place where

(spoiler alert that’s not how film and tv scoring works, i have now done a music composition course where we had to score a short film, among other things, and i have so much more respect for tv composers jesus christ)

but this one stuck out to me even way back then, bc me barely knowing what a leitmotif was was like “hey this one little refrain keeps popping up whenever bolin does lavabending, and i like it, i’m gonna see if it’s on the soundtrack”

it was not, and that’s sort of where i left it back in 2014, but i actually did a rewatch of lok pretty recently out of nostalgia, and then noticed it even more

and to explain why (and this is also a little bit why five’s stuck out to me in tua, i’ll get to that in another ask), let’s cover, leitmotifs, and tv scoring in general

so a leitmotif is basically just a short musical idea that represents something in a piece of music. when i studied motivic development we were encouraged to make that motif four notes or less, and then develop it into something longer (aka a theme), because if you can constantly come back to a really short idea while keeping the piece moving, that’s what makes a piece of music memorable

(you can ignore those rules on purpose but that’s a different essay)

so the most common way that a leitmotif shows up in soundtracks is to represent a character or a location - you play the motif when that character shows up or when you’re in that location and boom, the audience associates that motif with that person place or thing, and you can then use this to tell the audience things without actually telling them. for example, star wars playing the imperial march whenever someone does something darth vader related - darth vader isn’t on screen, but you can feel his presence, because his music is playing

and if we were a film score, where we have two hours to show one particular character’s development, great! we give them a simple motif, and then as they grow as a person we change their motif to reflect what is happening to them, until we end up with something that communicates on a subconscious level how much they’ve grown. we toss in as much symbolism as we can, and we have a really great soundtrack that’s instantly memorable

tv scoring, is harder. partially because of time constraints (have you ever composed half an hour of original music a week, and had to make sure it fits perfectly with every beat of what’s happening on screen? these guys have), partially because there’s a much larger focus on ensemble casts

so what atla and lok do, for the most part, is not score individual character motifs for everyone. this is fairly common in tv soundtracks, instead we score ideas, concepts, and feelings - these’ll come up a lot more and give you more information than just “oh hey this character’s on screen”

the avatar state, for example, has the strongest and most recognisable theme across both shows. i’m linking an atla track in here because it has the best example but you’ll know this shows up with korra too - and with particularly important moments for wan, for kyoshi, etc. they also appear in the opening of both shows, four strong notes that start and end on the same note (in the case of what i’m linking, it’s an F#)

the first part of this track is the more uncertain, pensive theme that comes up when both avatars are feeling doubt/worry/sadness, but then it transitions into the more recognisable four. worth noting though, those are both basically the same motif. if i write them out back to back, you’ll notice they both have four notes and start and end on F#. if i had to guess, four notes four elements, and it comes back to the start because the avatar is a cycle.

korra has a theme for when she’s fighting, but not an individual character theme. the airbenders as a concept have a theme, republic city has thematic instruments, as do some big name characters, like iroh and his tsungi horn (this is also a cross-series thing, he’s always playing it in atla, it shows up when zuko has to make big moral decisions, and when we first meet iroh in the spirit world in lok, it shows up there too, to let the audience know who this is before we properly see him)

so, if korra doesn’t get a single theme and instead has several for different aspects of her life, and mako and asami follow along with the mood of the story like all the other characters, the fact that bolin has a personal leitmotif at all, let alone a solid, developing one, is pretty remarkable!

now, granted, it mostly starts with book 3, before then he was like every other character, but it has clear symbolism through those last two books! and, initially i thought it was related only to his lavabending, since that’s most of when it shows up, but since my rewatch, i’ve started calling it his hero theme

see, when people wanna criticise mako and bolin, usually the comments they get are that bolin’s too immature and mako’s too serious/uptight. but like, that’s how they work, you can’t analyse either of them without the context of the other. since they were little kids on the streets, bolin chases his heart and mako makes sure they don’t die from it, that is their entire childhood. and neither would have got here on their own because mako wouldn’t take the necessary risks and bolin wouldn’t take the necessary precautions. (like. remove either one from the equation and they’d still be working for the triple threats bc s1 and their flashback miniseries make pretty clear that bolin got them out and mako kept them out)

and then book 2 proves it! because it splits team avatar up, and what happens? bolin is totally taken advantage of by varrick and used as a pawn in his evil plan and mako ends up in jail

so what’s book 3, to them? it’s, being able to find themselves without having that codependency. mako no longer has someone to protect, which is what he’s based his whole life around so far - bolin’s doing fine and he’s no longer dating either korra or asami. and bolin’s trying his hand at some of that responsibility (look at how he immediately adopts kai who is explicitly them but younger because he wants to be the older brother for once). most importantly, they find the rest of their family, and stop being defined by being orphans. they don’t have to be that singular piece of a puzzle, they can just be themselves. and that’s where bolin’s character really starts to shine, because that’s when they bring in the bending plot, and bending, perhaps more than any other character, really gets to the heart of who bolin is

if you want more of my thoughts on that i have an essay here, but tl;dr: bolin’s an extremely powerful earthbender, but he’s not a metalbender because metalbending requires you to double down on the earth characteristics and think like an earthbender, and bolin doesn’t, he’s too fluid for that, which is one of his major strengths, so of course he can lavabend

and finally - to his motif itself! (as a note, i’ve put all of these in the same key to show where it repeats, but there’s a variety of keys used in the show)

as far as i can find, it first shows up in s3e8, when bolin stuns p’li with this well placed shot

[Edit: it first showed up in the s2 finale, but again in a simplified version and again with him doing something heroic with earthbending, so we can still start the analysis here]

mako volunteers bolin for that job, because he knew bolin was capable of it. why? because bolin landed an identical shot earlier in the episode, after trying to metalbend, getting frustrated he can’t, and cheating with some extremely well aimed earthbending. it’s just a short refrain and you barely notice it, but it’s the first connection of this motif with the theme of bolin’s bending

it looks like this, and it’s always played on a trumpet, which is part of why i call it the hero theme, because, if you’re looking at music from a western perspective, trumpets were used to herald kings, and then used to represent military glory, and then when superhero themes started happening, they used trumpets too - it’s basically western music shorthand for hero these days

(it’s also symmetrical so that helps with the good vibes)

and he’s saving everyone here, so it’s linked to his bending, but it’s also linked to his heroism

it ties the two together, and they are tied together.

when’s the next time it shows up? episode 10, when the brothers are in prison in ba sing se, and bolin tries to metalbend them out. again, he’s doing this to save people, and this motif gets a few notes added on to the end in a raising pattern - they’re inspiring, but they don’t go anywhere. which is exactly what happens in the scene, because he’s trying to go about this in the wrong way. mako believes in him, but it won’t (and doesn’t) work

it appears in episode 12 when bolin saves everyone from ghazan destroying the temple, in a more fancy orchestral remake of the first version - it’s impressive, but it hasn’t actually developed yet, it’s just his discovery of it

the book 3 finale already has its own fucking amazing soundtrack, i love that entire episode’s score, but it gets its own moment there too, and the first real development!

because what we hear is not what we’ve heard before. we know it’s the same theme, because it’s using those signature trumpets, but it’s the second part of this phrase, the answer to the question supplied by the first one. why? because bolin’s figured out who he is and he’s starting to use it. it still hasn’t settled yet though, it’s early days and he’s still just turning ghazan’s lava back on him, so again, it raises, leaving it on a question mark

it doesn’t appear in s4e7 when he lavabends as a warning against the escaped prisoners, because he’s using it as a threat, not to help people. but it does later in the episode when he uses lavabending to save them from kuvira. and that’s when we get the first full phrase, question and answer

it keeps the first motif identical, takes out the first note of the second, and ties them together - except now it’s not open ended, now it knows where it’s going - it’s been three years, at this point bolin is confident in both himself and his bending

and then that phrase appears all over the place in the finale, because all bolin does is save people - everyone from the exploding building, he slows the giant mecha with lavabending, he saves opal, he slows the giant mecha again by collapsing a building on it, and most importantly, he’s the one rescuing his brother this time, instead of the other way around (though that one doesn’t get a motif appearance bc admittedly a fuck ton of other things are happening in the soundtrack at the time)

so to that question asked in book three - who is bolin when not next to someone else? well, funnily enough, we saw it in book two as well, just in a warped way, playing nuktuk. it just wasn’t truly him because it was created by varrick, and he needed to get away from varrick too. the question put forward by the narrative is who is bolin, and the answer given by the music is, he is a hero. and i don’t know why bolin is the only one to get a theme like this, but i think it may have something to do with the fact that, while everyone in team avatar has been a hero and saved people, he is the only one who has, from the start, solely been motivated by wanting to help people. he follows his heart, and his heart cares, about everyone. it’s been the driving force behind almost everything he’s ever done. and i love him so much

[livesincerely]

it’s so easy (too easy) to love you, ch. 1

Also on Ao3

00000

Davey’s just gotten out of class—literally just walked out the door—when his phone starts ringing.

“Davey,” Tony says the moment he answers, not even giving Davey time to say hello, “can you swing by the apartment real quick?”

Davey sighs. “Are you locked out of the house again?”

There’s a guilty silence. Then, “Or maybe I just wanna see you, huh? You don’t know.”

“Tony.”

“Charlie’s the one that lost the spare,” Tony capitulates immediately, there’s an indignant “Hey!” somewhere in the background, “and I left my keys in my locker ‘cause I thought Charlie had his—”

There’s a scuffle of noise, then Charlie’s voice breaks in, “—don’t listen to him Davey, I asked him before we even got on the subway if he had his keys and he said he did but he didn’t even check—”

“—well, I thought you had yours, didn’t I?—”

“—and he was twenty minutes late picking me up from band practice because he was too busy making out with Spot Conlon to come help me carry my stuff—”

“—that was supposed to be a secret you little shit!”

“—you started it!”

Davey pulls the phone away from his ear as the other side of the line descends into a mess of indistinct yelling. He thinks about trying to get their attention, but he decides to just start heading towards the apartment, muting his side of the call while he waits them out—they’ll remember him eventually.

In the meantime, Davey sends a quick text:

Tony and Charlie locked themselves out of the house again

He’s not expecting a response, but Jack must be in-between projects because he gets one almost immediately.

jc again?

And you’re going to have to get a new spare made

fuck okay i’ll take care of it. are you heading over?

I’m walking there now

ur the light of my life dave

Davey can’t help but smile at this, a soft feeling fluttering in his chest. Before he can write back, Jack sends another text:

how did ur midterm go?

I feel good about it! Def did better than I thought it would!

duh youve been living in the library all week ofc ur gonna do great. ill swing by the grocery omw home and pick up some ice cream to celebrate. do we need anything else while im there?

Get a bell pepper and some tomato paste, I’m going to make spaghetti for dinner. And we need more laundry detergent.

fuck yes im starving! can we do garlic bread too?

Come home on time and we’ll see.

u drive a hard bargain. kerian owes me a favor so he can stay late tonight lol

“Davey?” The sound of Charlie’s voice, tinny and muffled, prompts Davey to lift his phone back to his ear; it seems like he might’ve been calling Davey’s name for a while. “Are you still there?”

“I’m still here,” Davey confirms.

“So are ya comin’ or what?” Tony cuts in, ever impatient. “I’m roasting out here!”

“Well, I was thinking about leaving you to ruminate on your poor life choices,” Davey responds dryly, “but I guess I can come let you in, since you asked so nicely.”

“Thanks, Davey,” Charlie says.

“I’ll be there soon,” Davey confirms.

“Hurry, will ya? Much longer and I’m gonna get heatstroke and die,” Tony declares.

Davey rolls his eyes. “Goodbye, Tony.”

00000

When he arrives at Jack’s building some twenty minutes later, Davey finds Tony and Charlie right where he expects them: crowded together in the little bit of shade the roof’s overhang offers, wearing identical grumpy expressions that brighten immediately when they spot him approaching.

"Finally!" Tony exclaims, shooting to his feet. "What took you so long?"

“Stop losing your keys and you won’t have to wait for me,” Davey counters, slotting his key into the deadbolt and hefting open the heavy exterior door. He props it open with his hip and lets Tony and Charlie scurry past him into the AC. “You couldn’t get anyone to buzz you in?”

“Old Man Davis hasn’t gotten his hearing aid replaced yet,” Charlie explains as they climb the stairs up to the second floor, “and Mrs. Ikeda isn’t home.”

“She joined a new book club,” Tony adds. “She won’t be back till late.”

“Oh, I’ll have to ask her about it when I see her next,” Davey muses.

He gets the apartment door unlocked and the boys pile inside, tossing their backpacks down with dramatic groans of relief.  Charlie makes a beeline for his bedroom; Davey expects Tony to do the same but he takes a seat at the kitchen table instead, booting up his laptop with a couple of keystrokes.

“I’ve got a paper due in English tomorrow,” Tony explains. “Can you look it over once it’s finished? Maybe later this evening”

“Of course,” Davey replies. “What’s it on?”

“Lord of the Flies.”

Davey’s nose wrinkles up. “Oh, I hated that one. What’s the essay prompt?”

“Identify Golding’s argument about human nature as proposed in Lord of the Flies,” Tony reads off the top of the assignment outline. “Then make an argument agreeing or disagreeing with his assessment, using evidence from the text.”

Davey rolls his eyes. “Good to see that high school literature classes haven’t changed much in the last few years,” he says with a sigh. “How much have you written so far?”

“Oh, I haven’t even started it yet,” Tony casually rebuts.

“Is everything going okay?” Davey asks, frowning slightly. “If things are getting worse we can make an appointment—”

But Tony waives his concerns aside. “Nah, this is regular old procrastination, not ADHD procrastination. Like ya said, Lord of the Flies sucks ass, so I just didn’t want to write it.”

“Well, let one of us know if you start having trouble,” Davey says.

"Okay, mom,” Tony agrees, somewhat distracted. He’s already got a blank document pulled up on his laptop, a battered and thoroughly dog-eared copy of the book laying open beside him.

Davey looks at him for another moment, then he shrugs and continues making his way into the kitchen—he figures there’s no need to worry unless Racer starts actually missing assignments. And he’s right: Lord of the Flies does suck ass.

By the time Jack gets home they’re each fully entrenched in different activities: Davey’s washed a sink full of dishes and is working on drying the last few pieces of silverware, Tony is still posted up at the kitchen table, carefully hammering out a draft of his paper, and there are the familiar sounds of Charlie working through different musical scales on his oboe in the back bedroom.

“Honey, I’m home!” Jack calls jokingly as he enters. There’s a rustle of plastic and soft thunk of the front door closing behind him, then he comes around the corner into the dining room with an armful of groceries.

“Hey, Jack,” Davey greets absently. He starts rifling through the bags almost before Jack can finish putting them down. “Did you get the tomato—?”

“I got the tomato paste,” Jack says, kicking off his shoes and leaving them in the entryway with all the others, “and I picked up some more of that fancy coffee you like from the place around the corner, even though it’s expensive as all hell.”

“Don’t judge me,” Davey replies, gathering up an armful of vegetables and carrying them further into the kitchen. “You spend a semester grading 'Intro to Shakespeare' homework and tell me how much caffeine you consume.”

“I’m just saying, the rest of us schmucks drink regular coffee and do just fine,” Jack continues. “You can feed your crippling caffeine addiction just as well with Folgers and it’ll cut down on the grocery bill.”

“Watch it, Kelly,” Davey says, pointing a finger teasingly in Jack’s direction. “Smartasses don’t get dinner.”

“‘s that so?” Jack asks with a grin. “Then why the hell are we still feeding Tony?”

“I heard that,” Tony grumbles from the kitchen table.

“Yeah, you were supposed to,” Jack says, moving over to Tony and slinging an arm around his shoulders, pulling him into a side hug. Tony bats at Jack’s hand but makes no real attempt to get away. Then Jack says, “So, I hear you and your brother lost another set of keys.”

Tony throws Davey a look of the deepest betrayal. “You told Jack?”

“Of course he did,” Jack says. “Someone’s gonna have to get new ones made, and it sure ain’t gonna be either half of the dynamic duo.”

“Charlie lost the spare,” Tony says, mercilessly throwing Charlie under the bus while he’s not in the room to defend himself. “And I didn’t lose my keys, I just left them in my locker.”

“Uh huh, save it for the judge,” Jack responds, ruffling Tony’s hair. “Just know if I end up having to change the deadbolt, it’s coming outta your subway money.”

“Jackie, leave Tony alone,” Davey comments mildly over Tony’s spluttering protests. “He needs to work on that paper and you’re distracting him.”

“Yeah, Jack,” Tony repeats, a little smug. “You’re distracting me.”

Davey turns to look at him, one eyebrow raised. Tony quickly busies himself with his homework.

Davey makes quick work of washing a green pepper and peeling an onion, then starts dicing both into small, neat pieces. He feels more than hears Jack sidle up behind him: the familiar weight of his gaze, the solid presence at his back. He stands there quietly, leaning against the counter-top and just watching Davey cook; unbothered, Davey leaves him be for the moment and moves to the stove, scraping the chopped vegetables off the cutting board and into a pan to start softening.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Davey glances over his shoulder at Jack and says, “Are you just going to stand there or are you going to help me with this? You know there’s no loitering in my kitchen.”

“Well, I’m nothin’ if not a law abidin’ citizen,” Jack drawls in answer, the corner of his mouth quirking up. He rolls up his shirt sleeves, exposing the long, muscular line of his forearms, and washes his hands in the kitchen sink. “Where do you want me?”

Davey licks his lips. “Think you can handle browning the hamburger?”

“I’m sure I can manage,” Jack responds with a smirk.

Davey steps out of the way, letting Jack take his place in front of the sauce pan while he gets a pot of water set up on a different burner, salting it so it boils faster. They settle into their familiar dinner-routine, moving around and past each other with ease as they work on getting everything ready, chattering idly all the while.

“I’ve gotta head back out this evening,” Jack says at one point, as he sets the tray of garlic bread in the oven to toast. “Johnson’s got me working a night shoot and I have to be downtown by 9.”

“How long is the session?” Davey asks. “Here, will you open this?”

“We’re scheduled for five hours, but we might get to wrap it up early if everything goes well.” Jack’s hand brushes against the small of Davey’s back and they trade places again, Davey stepping back up to the stove-top and Jack rifling around in one of the drawers for a can opener.

“Are ya spendin’ the night or are ya headin’ back to campus?”

“Depends on how much help Tony needs with his paper,” Davey replies, shaking his head. He takes the can when Jack hands it back to him and empties it into the saucepan, then gives the whole thing a good stir. “We might be at it a while.”

Jack huffs out a laugh. “Well, if you do spend the night, go ahead and take the bed. The extra blankets are in the usual place.”

Davey sets down the spoon he’s holding, crossing his arms across his chest. “Jack,” he says warningly.

“Davey,” Jack echoes back in the exact same tone of voice. In the background there’s the faint sound of Tony muttering, “Jesus, not this again.”

“Jack, I’m not gonna kick you out of your bed,” Davey says, rehashing the same old argument for what feels like the millionth time. “I’m perfectly fine taking the couch.”

“Or you could do the smart thing and just take the bed,” Jack counters as he always does. “I’m not even gonna be here to use it.”

“You’ll want an actual mattress when you get home, especially if you’re out late.” Davey argues. “I don’t even have class tomorrow, it’ll be fine.”

“If you don’t take the bed I’ll just carry you in there once I get back,” Jack says, as if that's a perfectly reasonable course of action. “So you might as well save me the trouble.”

Davey sputters. “That’s not— You can’t just— That only happened a couple of times!” he finally gets out.

"Well, actually, it's been more like four or five times," Jack says with a smirk. "But hey, who's counting?"

"That trick won't keep working," Davey grumbles, feeling the back of his neck start to heat up.

“You sleep like a fucking rock, Dave,” Jack says, rolling his eyes. “Why wouldn’t it keep working?”

“No, see, that’s exactly why I should take the couch,” Davey insists. “It’s not like the sound of you coming in will wake me up—”

Jack turns to face him. Davey cuts off, slightly startled—he hadn’t realized they were standing so close to each other.

“Just take the bed, Davey,” Jack all but orders, and those dark eyes with that low voice are a heady combination. “Please?”

Davey bites at his lower lip, suddenly flustered. “Fine,” he reluctantly concedes, hoping Jack will attribute his flushed face to the heat of the kitchen. “Just this once.”

"Thank you," Jack says with a dramatic heave of his chest, looking much too pleased with himself. "Now that wasn't so hard, was it?"

"You're letting the garlic bread burn," Davey answers tartly.

"Oh shit—!"

00000

Later that evening, after they’ve all finished eating and have cleaned up, Davey, Tony, and Charlie are still gathered around the table, working on various assignments.

Davey is finishing the readings for his Monday lecture in between helping Tony finalize the exact wording of his essay. Charlie sits opposite him, working through his geometry homework and every so often there’s a huff of breath and the rubbery scratch of an eraser—Davey makes a mental note to swipe some more pencils and notebook paper from the grad lounge when he’s there next.

Davey notices the time and frowns. “Jack,” he calls out, “it’s already 7:30. If you don’t leave soon you’re gonna be late for work.”

There’s a clamor of noise from down the hall, then Jack appears, freshly showered and fumbling to put on his socks and button up a clean shirt at the same time.

“Fuck, Johnson is gonna kill me,” Jack grumbles. He pats down his pockets, then groans. “Christ, has anyone seen my—”

“Your wallet and keys are on the counter by the microwave,” Davey says, pointing. “And take a jacket, it’s supposed to rain later.”

“Great, I’m sure the models will love that,” Jack says with a groan. “Hopefully we’ll be able to get through everything without getting rained out.”

He meanders his way over to the table, peering at Charlie’s homework from over his shoulder. “If Tony is still busy and ya get stuck, text me,” Jack tells him. “I probably won't be able to answer right away, but if ya send me a picture of the problem I can probably talk ya through it between shots.”

Charlie hums his acknowledgment, still scribbling furiously. Jack turns to Tony.

“Listen to whatever Davey tells you about your paper,” he advises. “The only reason I got through undergraduate writing was ‘cause Davey proofread all my shit before I turned it in.”

“I thought I was s’pposed to always listen to Davey,” Tony says distractedly, tongue poking out between his teeth as he types.

Jack pauses, considering. “Yeah, just do that.”

“Jack—”

“Oh, and Dave cooked, so you shitheads better do the dishes, get me?”

“Jack, you’re gonna be late,” Davey cuts in firmly, holding out Jack’s jacket for him.

“Alright, I’m going,” Jack says, shrugging it on, and he finally starts making moves towards the door.

He gives Charlie one last pat on the shoulder and cuffs Tony lightly across the back of the head in a slightly rougher, but no less affectionate goodbye, which is per usual. Then he turns to Davey, tips his chin up, and kisses him right on the mouth, short and sweet.

“Lock the door behind me and don’t forget to—” Jack stops mid-sentence, then turns bright red.

“Um,” says Charlie.

“Holy shit,” says Tony.

Jack’s mouth opens and closes soundlessly. Finally, he stammers out, “I u-uh— I-I d-didn’t mean—“

Davey doesn’t respond. He couldn’t, even if he wanted to—he’s frozen in place, his mind a sudden wash of static. For a moment, they just stare at each other. Then Jack blurts, “gottagoseeyoulaterbye,” and bolts out the front door.

Davey’s not sure how long he stands there, staring blankly into space, utterly dumbfounded.

“Davey?” Charlie asks hesitantly. “Are you okay?”

There’s a strangled, choking noise. A split second later, Davey realizes it’s coming from him.

"...What just happened?"

[roraruu]

anniversary: bones of rubber, heart of steel

can y’all believe this fic began one year ago today? i can’t, it feels like i was still fumbling through essays and reports and trying to get a skeleton down lol. i’ll ramble more below, but in case you missed it, here’s the ao3 link and pdf!

i still am super proud of it, although the pdf could have used some work in formatting and close editing but dude I’m one person making this so I’m cutting myself one big ass piece of slack cake! it’s also... sorta my baby in a weird way--pm is my og disaster child currently going through it’s hot topic/mcr phase but i love it. bones/heart was just easy to write, a pleasure to edit and fun to format. i wanna take a moment and talk about why i wrote bones/heart, some influences i had, music, etc. 

as i said in the author’s notes, i had a completely different vision for this fic—originally, faye was to be a hot-headed mage who was invited back to the castle for a ball and met tobin and new feelings blossomed but i really couldn’t get behind that for whatever reason. eventually i thought of one of my favourite tropes—differences becoming strengths. y’all know what I’m talking about right? like you have a mage with low def and pair them up with a knight who’s res is low, they sorta prop each other up? (yes im talkin abt fayelukas hhhh) anyways ya girl got run over by that trope bc hey... archers have limited mobility and pegasus knights get ko’d by arrows so yeah gimme that shit... and mage!faye would end up coming back in wildflowers but we’re not talkin abt me crying into a keyboard.

I wrote bones/heart because not only do i love the dynamics and pairing, i love the characters separately. i relate a lot to Tobin’s desire to be something and help his family, and Faye’s desire to be loved and help her friends and plus i was mad pissed about how they wrote her. i mean, i have a LOT of problems with a lot of the girls’ writing in echoes but i can overlook it because echoes is such a good game. anyways, my goal for this fic was not only to make faye a more relatable character, but show that she’s unfortunately thrown into a shit situation. like ingrid in 3h, I think she is a victim of bad writing, because she’s got the potential to grow as shown with her supports with silque, but she’s really... outta her element (plus she might be going through personal shit bc of being attacked at the beginning of the game? Yeah maybe that :/)

i wanna talk about the repeated phrase, “bones are made of rubber, but a heart is made of steel”, something that Faye’s nana says. i’m almost 100% certain that i didn’t coin this, my single brain cell was like “say something about not winning every battle!!!” if you’ve read any other fics of mine, u know i am a sucker for repetition—in peacemaker its repeating the phrase “promises are forever” (very cheesy), the forget me nots in SGSN and the repetition of faye seeing wildflowers and being called her pet name as a form of submission. anyways, this one was structured to not only prop faye up, but also tobin. these guys are fighting a literal war and will be hurt and broken time and time again, but a heart is incredibly strong, especially Faye’s. a bone can break, but you can heal it—if your heart is broken it takes much longer to heal. my headcanon is that Faye’s nana was always in her corner and would tell her the phrase when she wanted to be with her friends but had other duties, etc.

if you asked me a year ago which was my favourite scene, I would’ve said the barn scene in chapter 3(?), but now it’s faye and tobin sitting by the campfire in the first chapter because it’s just... tender and they’re trying to see each other on the same level, you know? I’ve always felt there’s this huge divide between faye and gray and tobin; maybe it’s because faye is optional or maybe its smth superficial like her being a girl (with better growths and classes, gold knight makes me so gay dude)

Oh yeah and if yall forgot i was walking home from school one day and looked down a hill and it was like muddy and gross and was like “oh no I hope i dont fall” and then fell like a dumbass and my immediate thought was “god faye I’m so sorry” lmfao. ANYWAYS TLDR: i wrote faye falling and fell on my back not even like a day later and instantly regretted my entire life.

anyways, happy birthday bones/heart! I’m still so so so proud of this fic and if you haven’t read it, maybe try giving it a shot? I know that pairing seems weird but it’s good kush, I haven’t gotten outta faybin hell for a solid year and a half! i hope y’all look forwards to the new plans i have for those dumb villagers..

[cyberlifefortune]

Users Manual

Use Search Function and Key Words to skip portions and find what you’re looking for. 

Interaction Generalizations. 

     Just be nice. The meaner and more impatient you are, the less inclined I am to interact. It’s how to push me far, far, FAR away from you; I’m anxious, tired, old af and just here to relax.       Please don’t hesitate to DM or Inbox me, the WORST thing that could happen is I say no thank you right? Unless you’re being a dick and then the worst thing is I ignore and block. But I mean if you’re coming in prolapse first, I’m probably not going to give the time of day. So.... Be nice! 

I cut my lengths, usually by approx 2-4 posts depending how short/long our responses are. 

Responses/One Liners/ParaRP

     Please don’t hesitate to write as much as you feel appropriate. If you write a para novella response, I will do my best to give back what I have been given, but please don’t treat it like a high school essay (Don’t double space, HEADERize everything and then add a lot of cushioning words, or repeat yourself unnecessarily. I want to be able to respond to you too!). If you seem disinterested, please don’t suffer through a thread, I am happy to finish a thread if you feel that it is done and spent or have no muse for it. We can start another or plot or even just leave it there until we have the muse for their interactions again. 

    I personally prefer Para, or longer, but sometimes my time constraints only allow for so much and I will understand for yours as well. Don’t feel bad if I slam you with a paratellenovella in a six part series and you only put out a few paragraphs; sometimes it’s a lot of establishing and internalizing for characters that I enjoy exploring too! Don’t feel that you have to match letter counts or length. You write what you want and if we don’t feel it then there is no hard feelings.

Starters.

     If they’re tagged as an open thread, please feel free. If it’s open to mutuals only, please respect it. If you want to interact and you want something along that plot; Message me. You’ll be much better received this way than you will be if you insert yourself into threads not meant for you.      Closed starters are strictly meant for those my partner(s) and I have tagged. If we bring some one else in, it is not an invitation to slide in like a Stop Light Bar. 

Ask threads/Separated Open Starters

     If it’s a thread that you are continuing with me, please don’t hesitate to start a separate thread with it! I’ll appreciate it, and believe me, so will you; no dealing with other threads that might stem from it, no dealing with the likes of acknowledgement from the rest of the rp community, and a much neater, easier to use posting format. 

     Are you posting an open starter? ahhh.... I might... have to message you. I’m quite anxious that people are overwhelmed with threads so I will likely message you regarding it first. If you are overwhelmed, tell me. I do not take offense. We can plot when you have time and if you feel it. I promise I’m not ignoring your starters; I’m just very anxious. If there is something that you would like to plot please just tag me randomly or DM me! I will do my best to reciprocate this as well! I just need time; I’m anxious and sometimes it counterbalances my meds and I’m more ‘FLEE’ than I am ‘BREATHE’. 

TRIGGERS/WARNINGS/READ MORES

     Triggers; I have none. I really dislike slamming a random thing into an established thread, but I’m not against it in most aspects. What do I mean by this? Please don’t have a cute thread going with me and then BAM CHAR A IS NOW RAGING ANGRY THAT CHAR B IS DOING THIS THING WE NEVER ESTABLISHED HAPPEN. Now if Char A is angry because Char B said something offensive (meant or not) and Char A lands a punch on B; then, Yes. I do not mind this. If you leave an action open, I will use my discretion whether or not it lands (Keep in mind I do love seeing how androids in distress will behave on any/given terms). If I leave an action open to your discretion of being hit or dodging, please do not JUST dodge it every time. I’m trying to give you the option of progressing a fight, not feed you pudding through a straw.       As far as violence, gore, etc; I do not mind it. If it gets too gory, we will use RMs or fade it. If it’s too kinky then I will tag and possibly read more it. It all depends on it’s severity and the warning. 

      Warnings for me are often forgotten; it’s not out of disrespect but because I DO forget. I have lots of things I need to study and RP wise, recalling a hundred and eighty four details is not exactly a priority. It’s not that you’re not important as a partner; it’s that I can fix it if you bring it up with me and we’re adults. I will do my best but please, understand, sometimes I need reminding. 

    Read mores I forget more often than not, if I use them at all. xkit has a blacklist function. Please use it as it’s more reliable than I am if sex/etc offends you (though if it does I’m not sure what is compelling you this far into my blog). If my partner uses/requests them, I can often remember since they will likely be using them as well, but if I’m using them for a sole reason of this trigger then I’ll likely forget. 

Late replies/Slow Replies/Ignored Replies

     As a general rule I will do my best to respond to threads as often as my time constraints give me, but that also relies on how me or Connor responds to the thread/the topic/muse.       Late replies will likely happen as I’m quite slow at times. If I respond to thread A three or four more times before I respond to thread B, it’s just because I feel thread A more. It doesn’t mean that I dislike our thread, it’s just based on what Connor is willing to do as a muse at that moment. If it feels like I’m ignoring your reply; has it been a few days? You can prod me if I’m responding regularly and come off like I’ve gotten through most of my threads, but if it’s been a week or two please prod me. I might not have seen it, or have forgotten about it. Do not, however, ask me why I respond to Thread C more than that thread, guilt me, try to manipulate me or get short with me. I’m here to have fun, not as a compulsive demand. I am a human just like you and sometimes life just happens to overwhelm me more often than you or the next person.  Thank you for understanding, though! 

Magic Anons/Topic Suggestions/Anon

     MA will be accepted most days, but please give me a time frame for it or I will assume it as three days MY time, or if it is something that I don’t see taking a significant amount of time X amount of hours that I’ll choose myself. IE MA!Connors a real boy.  No time? I’ll select for you. Connor as a real boy would be lovely, so I would likely suggest three days.  MA!Connor is stuck in his suit for a week! A week? That’s insanely long, I will take liberty and shorten the time to a few days, or I’ll just override it/ignore it.       Topic suggestions are adorable and sometimes quite interactive and fun! You get content you like, I get a topic to try with my partner(s) and every one wins! Maybe a few people don’t but that, again, is what xkit is for.       Anons will be interacted with as Civilians or generic Androids. Regularly visiting Anons will be named and respectively tagged to the best of my ability. Any anon hate, call out anons, gate keeper anons, fussing anons will be just ignored. No skin off my back, none off of Connors, and even less off of the rest of my follower base. If Anons are inboxing for critique or an opinion asked for- then I’m happy to respond or even read them, I may post them, I might not. It is all up to me. It’s my blog, my Connor and if you dislike him, why is you here? It’s not meant to sound rude, but there are many of us out there, find some one that makes you happy. 

Discord/IMs

Strictly for Mutuals or for those I would like to interact more with! If I’m actively giving it to you- I’m excited, please feel free to take it or don’t. If You want it, ask, but understand that I might decline or I may accept it. Please don’t pressure me. I would never pressure you. 

Duplicates

     Hello other Connors and RK800s alike! You’re welcome here. I’m not here to compete and monopolize; you will each have your own universe with CyberLifeFortune, unless you state with me otherwise. Your worlds will not cross with other RK800/Connors unless we establish. I welcome each of you!

Cross Overs

     Please yes! But please, lets figure it out first! Who has the master realm? Are we smashing them together? Making a whole new world? What are we doing, friendo? Lets talk! 

OCS

     Hello! It’s a hit or miss with me! I prefer fleshed out characters with their own sets of flaws, ups, downs, perfections and quirks.       Things that will quickly turn me off of a character, please respect that this is only personal preferences, are inserts, selfserts, Sues, confusing characters, drama/tragic types (IE whole family dead. Became a ninja, almost died of abuse, saved by a four legged fox with 72 tails that died shortly after training. Turns out they were kami status legend and this char is taking their place but no one believes in them so they are dying and doki doki club literature inspired their life).       Fun parody characters are well received too! Hi there Sumo Rpers, Super minor cameo androids and/or Officer Wilson (Sweet Cop saved on the rooftop in Mission one)

Shipping

     I do not do autoships unless we discuss it. I refuse to continue a thread in which some one is forcing a relationship or has inserted themselves into Connors life. He does not have children, he doesn’t have ‘file’ children (Like the child Cortana makes in Halo), Connor doesn’t have adopted children he doesn’t know about. If you want to autoship please talk to me. If you want it enough you’ll prod me! Think of it this way; we can scream about it together and yell about it as long as we want and then we totally get to do it if we’re both in agreement!

      I have no real preference to who/what Connor does. Likely if they exist in the game I’m down to ship them (this includes Rk900s, Gavins, Hanks, etc). I’m purely curious to see what this muse clicks with. I have every right to say no as much as you do. Keep in mind that unless we establish it I play him with his genitalia but he will not be a Traci type. He is and always will be RK800 model. 

     If you would like to write the raunchy; yes. If you’d like to fade to black; yes. Do you want them to be suggestive? Sure.  Kinks? Name it- I’ll try it. I refuse scat and vomit. Like. Hard nopes. Both make my skin crawl and I just get squeamish in those regards. You do you, but I would appreciate not those two please and thank you; much appreciated. 

[steeledstark-blog]

some meta on sansa and arya and the evolution of their relationship through sansa's eyes?

@ofwintcrfell​ || send me stuff to meta || always accepting

Hi omg thank you so much for sending this in because look, Sansa & Arya is one dynamic I can just go on about for ages. I’ve been meaning to write this up and ew this is so long shjsgfjsf I am sorry.

 I would like to start this essay ( it literally is omfg ) with a quote, probably one MOST associated with them:

“You may be as different as the sun and the moon, but the same blood flows through both your hearts. You need her, as she needs you.”

& this always seemed to be applied to Arya’s end … but Sansa needed it just as much. She needed to realize that she needed her sister for strength, support, needed to RESPECT that Arya was not the perfect lady, that it didn’t mean that Arya just didn’t FIT into the narrative Sansa created for them. But I am getting ahead of myself, doing mini headers here to help organize myself better bc least organized hoe ever. see it under the cut bc fuck im getting this all out ok. 

CHILDHOOD

Look, Sansa was very much a perfectionist, so much of her childhood built on the assumptions she made on how life was supposed to be, everything fitting together nicely like in a song. Everything in her life, she tried to fit into songs and the social standards provided to her. She and Arya are very much Foils and so much tension from youth originates from Sansa, a lack of understanding that anyone wouldn’t devote their life to being liked, to making things easy for others. For being the perfect lady.

I don’t think things were really harsh between them back then though. Arya was annoying in her eyes, she was a pain and she was embarrassed by her, caring so much about what others think ( which really heightened in the pre-teen years ), but this quote, this one quote, really reflects how I think they had their moments. Moments which stuck with Sansa years later.

Things were simpler, they laughed and joked around, 

“She remembered a summer’s snow in Winterfell when Arya and Bran had ambushed her as she emerged from the keep one morning. They’d each had a dozen snowballs to hand, and she’d had none. Bran had been perched on the roof of the covered bridge, out of reach, but Sansa had chased Arya through the stables and around the kitchen until both of them were breathless. She might even have caught her, but she’d slipped on some ice. Her sister came back to see if she was hurt. When she said she wasn’t, Arya hit her in the face with another snowball, but Sansa grabbed her leg and pulled her down and was rubbing snow in her hair when Jory came along and pulled them apart, laughing.“ 

AND LOOK OK this is such a sisterly thing. To tease, to chase, but when things seem serious, make sure the other is okay and uninjured. When you are sure they are fine, fuckin attack them with snow, 

This pushes Sansa into embracing more of the fire which always seemed timid, meeting arya’s boldness, pulling her down, playfighting. Pulling out wolfish movements. They are laughing, this is a game to them,

This is the first instance of Arya bringing out the Stark in Sansa. And at the basis of Sansa needing her, it’s for the strength, for feeling like she can be brave too, that she can be Northern despite how people always says the South suits her. 

But then comes growing up more, and here I NEED to address something. Sansa bullied Arya. She said hurtful things, sometimes downright cruel, and it is constantly repeated in Arya’s POV chapters, clearly sticking with her. I love Sansa with all my heart but this treatment was NOT okay and it needs to be recognized. 

Why? Growing up, hormones, no adults really stopping her, Arya didn’t let it show how much the words cut. ( PSA not excusing Sansa here, she acted like most middle school girls act, my sister and I did the exact same to each other growing up at that age, we both regret it, and we both cannot tell you why, it’s that age - i know this may be a lazy excuse for it, but I really am stumped here ) 

But also after talking it out with people about sisters in general, is it a sister thing? bc i’ve heard from so many about sisters who did tease each other and it can get to that really hurtful point and yeah going to cut my ramble off here . . .

And then comes the direwolf situation, and its easiest for Sansa to place blame and frustrations on Arya, more than on the one she is convinced she can find love with and marry, more than the Queen who she admires, and most of all, it’s easier than the guilt of BLAMING HERSELF. Arya, is an unfair outlet to that, but still where she takes it out for a while.

KING’S LANDING

But you don’t realize what you have until it’s gone. Sansa didn’t. And over her time in King’s landing, she finds herself missing Arya. Finds herself constantly looking to see her. It’s not mentioned much in the books, I mean their associations has always been more mentioned in Arya’s POV chapters, but it’s here distance makes the heart stronger.

Sometimes, Sansa tries to meet eyes with the girl who is no longer there, meet eyes to be fed strength. She misses the rebellion, misses the free spirit. She believes Arya is dead and mourns her along with the rest of her household and her father.

But she can’t dwell too much, she needs to focus on survival. But this time she comes to appreciate her heritage more, regret the past, so much that she digs up what to regret and regrets it as well.

She dreams of her future, daydreams of it and when thinking of her children,

“sometimes there was even a girl who looked like arya.” perhaps showing an openness to who Arya was, an openness in her heart to try again, coming with maturing and realizing what is important. 

She dreams of seeing her family again, dreams of what she would change, and of course Arya is there. Arya, who had never deserved her blame or anger. Arya, who was different but that did not necessarily make her a bad bit in Sansa’s life. Arya, whose honest and true to self nature she much preferred to those around her.

Someone who would fight for her.

Someone, who she realized despite the cruel words exchanged, she would fight for now. 

But with Alayne Stone as a storyline as well, more of ‘ Sansa ’ is pushed down, and that includes her family, but still, Arya keeps surfacing, she cannot stop thinking about her sister.

And later on, moving into the show timeline beyond the books …

“summer is the time for squabbles” 

winter comes and the wolves come together

So upon a reunion, I imagine immediate warmth, lots of crying bc thought she was dead . .  

but a lot of uncertainty too because they are now different people, but there’s a chance actually getting to know each other? And it is something Sansa would look forward to, Approaching with an open heart.

There will be an appreciation for who she became, ( a show quote I stand by, calling Arya the strongest person she’s met, and not just by physical ability, but also emotionally and mentally ) Sansa would feel guilt for a child under appreciated and the pain she caused. And through the years she won’t stop apologizing even when told she was forgiven.

Actions would be taken to make things right between them. 

apologies, admiration, and solidarity. it is all I ask for with the future between them, and it is certain on Sansa’s end. She is never going to turn her back on family again.

And she will love Arya for all she is, and seek out the best ending for who they can become, together.

[the-pen-and-the-stethoscope]

my official, uninterrupted, unapologetic thoughts on the album Lover by Taylor Swift as i listen in its entirety at 6:30 am on Friday morning after working until 10 pm the night before.

Before I start I am already emotional. my hands are sweating. my heart is pounding. are those tears in my eyes or am i exhausted? idk. ok here we go...

1) fuck yes. snaps. love a song with snaps. A BEAUTIFUL BREAKUP SONG ABOUT HOW YOU JUST DONT EFING CARE ANYMORE. ahhh i love how there is like this build up and you think it’s going to be a headbanger of a chorus but then it just stops and it’s like...oh wait actually this is v calm right now i just dont care about you anymore. but also OMG SHE JUST LAUGHED ummm also I love how upbeat this is. i guess what im saying is that WANEGBT walked so I Forgot That You Existed could run. 

2) MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. this song will always bring me back to being on an airplane flying to Peru because it is literally the only song I listened for my entire trip to Peru last spring. but also from the moment it came out I was obsessed with the unapologetic happiness in the song and it’s all about YOURSELF. WAIT WTF WHERE’S THE SPELLING LINE THATS MY FAVORITE TO YELL????? TAYLOR WHERE IS IT??? WHERE IS IT??? i’ll be taking this up with my lawyers. your people will hear from my people. 

3) well i just went back to my spotify and REALIZED THAT IT WAS ON FUCKING SHUFFLE FUCK ME. OK WE ARE STARTING AGAIN. 

1) SECOND LISTEN THOUGHTS ON IFTYE: this song is just the perfect beat. i just realized that she laughs TWICE actually (maybe more??) and this is my official petition that she laughs during all live performances. thanks. 

2) OMG REP VIBES WITH THAT LOW BASE SYNTH. oh wow I love this transition much more than the one to ME! I’m glad that was on shuffle the first time. This literally could be a REP song. GETAWAY CAR THAT’S WHAT IT REMINDS ME OF! OH. MY. GOD. WELL THANKS FOR PUTTING A REP SONG ON LOVER OK IM NOT OK. did she just say “loving you aint the worst thing...you are the worst!”? Idk I will evaluate the lyrics a second (third...fourth...fifth...) time. 

3) AHHHH LOVER OMG OK LET ME JUST STARE AT MY CEILING FOR THIS ONE. “Swear to take this magnetic force of a man” is up there on favorite tswift lines. cant decide if i want this to my first dance song at my wedding OR the song that plays near the end of the reception when everyone is tired and like all the couples come up and dance and so then it’s like you get to see how many people are in love OR the song that i save for afterwards when we are alone in our hotel room. good to know i’ve got options. 

4) god damn HERE WE GO WITH SOME REP VIBES. (to clarify any deep base pulsating beat is rep vibes to me apparently) lyrics: “they’d say I played the field before I found someone to commit to” “every conquest I had made would make me more of a boss to you” “they wouldn’t shake their heads and question how much of this I deserve” “I’D BE JUST LIKE LEO” GOD THIS IS AMAZING I’M OBSESSED. “If I was a man I’d be THE MAN” 

5) OMG THE ARCHER. WAS LISTENING TO THIS LAST NIGHT AND THINKING LIKE....THIS MIGHT BE FAVORITE ONE????? I KNOW SO SO EARLY BUT SO FAR IT HOLDS UP IT’S JUST LIKE....THAT SLOW BUILD I LOVE IT. EVERY TIME I LISTEN THERE IS A DIFFERENT MEANING. AMAZING SONG TO RUN TO LIKE ON REPEAT. WHICH IS HARD TO FIND. PROBABLY HARDER TO MAKE. I STAN. 

6) THERE YA GO MISS SWIFT WITH THE SNAPS AGAIN. ohhh hmmmm someone’s horneyyyyy this song feels like a whisper...like you’re at a bar and you are like pointing out this hot guy you’ve been seeing around and you whisper to your friend ‘that’s the one’. OMG BRIDGE. WAIT WHAT OMG WAIT OMG WHAT BRIDGE BRIDGE BRIDGEEEEEE. well okay I kinda feel like a huge wind just knocked me off my feet. i’m slightly stunned. no time to process before...

7) OMG TALK ABOUT REP VIBES. This could be a beautiful music video. This is like -- i have a lot of feelings none of them have words but this song has a BLACK vibe and a DARK vibe and i’m picturing a high school shrouded in clouds at night. running through the hallways in a ripped dress. Wow wow wow. 

8) oh good some happy songs again. ahhhhhhhhh now THIS I CAN DANCE TO. AHHHHHHHHHHH I’M IN LOOVE. this is so freaking romantic. OH ANOTHER BRIDGE FROM BRIDGE CITY. Taylor like you brought it with these bridges girl. OMG THE SLOW FADE AWAY AT THE END...SOBBING.....

9) THE BEST PART ABOUT THIS IS I’M ONLY HALFWAY DONE. Oh wow is this song going to make me cry? just obsessed with how etherial this is. wow omg this is like the most complex love story ever written in a song ever. so many twists and turns i’m just sitting here asking questions!!! What happened on cornelia street that you dont want it again? why did you pack your bags? OH YAY HE GOT YOU TO COME BACK. OMG DOES EVERYONE HEAR THAT THUNDER EFFECT IN THE BACKGROUND???? omg wait omg that last line!? I will be listening to this A LOT.

10) I feel like taylor’s got a lot of happy sounding songs that are breakup songs and a lot of sad sounding songs that are actually about being in love on this album it’s so interesting!!! like this is a breakup song and wow everything about it is upbeat and pop-y. “trying to find a part of me you didn’t take up” (I FEEL THIS SO HARD WOW). love the boarded up house metaphors and like just everything else i CANT THINK FAST ENOUGH god idk why I committed to writing all my thoughts....

11) OMG SOMEONE WAS TALKING. ahhhhh she loves all these American things but she LOVES A LONDON BOY. “I GUESS ALL THE RUMORS ARE TRUE” power move!!!!! ASLDJALKDFLKJAGL;KADSLASDFLKASDFLKJ AS SOMEONE WHO LIVED IN AND FELL IN LOVE WITH THE CITY OF LONDON I’M JUST LOVING THAT THIS IS BASICALLY A LOVE SONG TO LONDON. FORGET THE BOY. ALL THESE LONDON REFERENCES ARE KILLING ME. (did she just name drop stella mccartney???? I HEARD THAT OKAY!?) 

12) DIXIE CHICKS. IT’S A COUNTRY SONG I CAN ALREADY TELL. THE STRUMMING GUITAR. I’M DYING. wait is this about her mom???? ok well i’m crying.........wow so so so so so beautiful and soft and hopeful. 

13) FIDDLEEEEEEEE oh short lived but omg that was exciting for a moment i thought we were gunna get a crazy country song. This is a good transition....the way this song starts soft and slow and doesn’t come in swinging feels appropriate after Soon You’ll Get Better. WOW. “Religion is your lips....the alter is my hips....” SEX. I’m glad this is not a country song. wow my head was in an odd place that will be weird to come back to after knowing what this song actually is about (it’s about sex)

14) YAS YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN. (it’s 7:40 am but we could have had greatnesssss) THIS SONG SERIOUSLY SLAPS. GOD I LOVE IT SO MUCH. also true story - for like the first week after it came out I SWEAR I thought there was a lyric at some point that said “you’re freaking me out” and like I still think that one of the lyrics SHOULD be that so like I know I’m not a seven time Grammy award winging singer/song writer but like taylor can we change that? can we? MY ONLY COMPLAINT ABOUT THIS SONG IS THAT IT NEEDS TO BE AT LEAST FIVE MINUTES LONGER. 

15) ahhhhhhh omg shes like learning about holding onto love and not picking fights and growing through difficulty and not blowing up. (I’ve run out of ways to say omg this is amazing and i’m obsessed). but this is like a GREAT ballad. 

16) BACK TO MEEEEEEEE I like it a lot better here phew thank god we were on shuffle before. I wanted the DJ to play this song at my friend’s wedding back in May (OMG NO MORE SPELLING LINE AHHHH) and they like wouldn’t??? so weird. I honestly think this is a self love song but also an amazing romantic love song and I think it belongs in a wedding playlist. 

17) omg so cute...little best friend love. also i love how simple this song is. no big production. we are back to basics and child hood. AHH HORNS. I thought this song was going to be like TIWWCHNT but its just purely wholesome!!! She’s serious - it’s nice to have a friend! I agree! 

18) LAST SONG AND ITS ALMOST FIVE MIN LONG MY BODY IS READY. This is just classic classic taylor swift and an amazing way to end the album. it’s like the conclusion paragraph of an essay on how she’s happy and content and in love with not just her lover but herself. the world used to be harsh, but now it’s just daylight. (another bridge city - just fyi - for those listening at home that’s where you are now) SHE IS SO HAPPY. “Step into the daylight and let it go” OMG SHES TALKING!!!!! WHERE IS THIS FROM??? IS THIS AN INTERVIEW OR IS IT NEW OMG WAIT WASN’T EXPECTING THAT ENDING WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW

OKAY FRIENDS THAT WAS IT I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS AND NOW I NEED TO LISTEN AGAIN AND AGAIN FOREVER AND ALWAYS. THANK YOU @taylorswift (@taylornation ) FOR TRUSTING US WITH SUCH A MAGICAL JOURNEY. 

[missjackil]

A Dose of SPN Positivity!

For those who know me, they know I love this show.... flaws and all! im critical sometimes, but not overly. Bottom line, I am addicted to the story and Im in love with Sam and Dean.  With Season 14 about to start, and we’re all getting antsy, too much negativity has been flying around, so I want to share some things i love most about the show, and maybe make some of you reflect for a moment and think “Yeah, that is pretty great” and smile.  Supernatural has been referred to as “The Little Show That Could” and to me, its such a fitting description. Logically, on the surface, it looks like it just can’t. I mean, how can a fantasy/horror show, survive with such a low budget, light special effects, and not very scary most of the time. I mean hell, they dont even have that many monsters that look like monsters, so why has it lasted longer than a season or 2? Let alone, 14 seasons with no signs of stopping yet. First and foremost is obvious. Sam and Dean and the actors who play them.  This essay will be full of gushing about these boys, so if you dont feel like enduring such a hardship, scroll on past. if that interests you.....

Yes these 2 fabulous men are the life blood of this show. Without them, we’d have nothing. THEY are the reason, this little show can, and does. Even those who like one and not the other, even if they dont realize it, the one they prefer is who they are because of the other. Both of their qualities and flaws can be directly linked to their influence on each other. If for some reason the other was gone for good, the one left will change drastically. As we see when one is dead or in grave danger, albeit temporarily, the other changes. Sam is no longer sweet, laid back and practical, and Dean is no longer funny, charming, and nurturing.  In fact, they both seem to become an amplified version of their brother. When Sam dies, Dean gets quiet, sometimes too quiet. He also gets methodical and focused. You may get lucky and just get shot in the back, but if he chooses to speak, he chooses his words to let you know shits gonna hit the fan. “You have my brother, and you have one chance, just one, to hand him over, and if he isnt in one peice, when I find you, and I WILL find you, I will take you apart” Sam on the other hand is boiling over with emotion. My boy becomes savage. He doesnt always choose a lot of words to say, he gets his whole point across most of the time with “WHERES MY BROTHER???!!!!” This... my friends, is good stuff! These things couldnt be done with such beauty without Jared and Jensen. Their offscreen relationship, whatever it may be, is wonderful. Theres no denying the love and respect they have for each other. They are very supportive of each other, and help make the other better at their job. They’re not typical actors who have a work relationship but otherwise spend time with each other. They genuinely enjoy being together, and this shows on screen. When two people are this good at their jobs, and with each other, you just have to keep watching. Other things I love about the show, are kinda small. Some maybe youve never noticed, but maybe now you will and enjoy them too, like... Brains vs Brawn: At first glance, we all go Sam=brains, Dean=brawn right? But thats not actually the case. Dean is far from stupid, and Sam is nowheres near a wimp. Dean teases Sam about being a nerd, and Sam doesnt mind, he kinda wears his nerdiness like a badge of honor. Dean will never admit to being a nerd, but he is. He’s read Vonnegut, knows every old west cowboy statistic, and likes LARPing. Sam, though a bookworm, is one tough mofo. hes tall and muscular and has shown to be a little freakishly strong. He can also take a great deal of pain. And though Dean is known more to be the fighter, he can be very warm and nurturing. And nerdy Sam can make you shit your pants with just a look if you piss him off just right. I absolutely LOVE this balance!! Its one of my favorite things! Old school vs New; A lot has changed in 14 seasons. The brothers have grown, as well as the story, but their roots are never forgotten. They’re still driving around in the same car. Hell. Baby has become the 3rd lead! Even though they have mom back, they never forgot her, or dad, and both were spoken of often throughout the series. They refer back to old days often, so we can all get a feel of nostalgia when we remember too. Most episodes bring the deep past up in one way or another, I love this! Loss and Death: I know so many of us complain that they die and come back too much, but I have a real appreciation for it, The circumstances are always different, and so are the methonds of coming back. Sometimes the death isnt serious, or they dont “seem” dead, like in First Blood or Dark Side of the Moon, when there may have been an initial “wtf?” we got to see them in heaven, and in first blood, they came right back. However there was deep seriousness in All Hell Breaks Loose, No Rest for the Wicked,  Do You Believe in Miracles, Swan Song, Red Meat and Beat The Devil that you felt the dying brother’s physical pain, and then the emotional pain of the surviving brother.  No matter how many times they die, they still hit these types of episodes out of the park. WE may know theyre coming back, but they dont. it still crushes them and I love this! Sam and Dean’s Sexuality: I love that their sexual natures are different, but theyre both okay. Dean is sexually active, enjoys porn and vocalizes some fantasies, Though Sam can tease him a little, its just brotherly ribbing, its not judgemental or trying to make Dean feel bad. Sam isnt overly sexual, he’s gone many seasons without sex at all. He doesnt appear to enjoy porn, we know he doesnt like strip clubs, and its NOT because he’s unattractive!! Dean teases him but he doesnt try to make him feel bad. When he has heavily suggested that Sam get laid, its just because he wants him to have fun. Dean even said he appreciated that Sam wanted to stay pure and waited. Otherwise, its okay that Sam is (at least kinda) asexual. Neither are shunned or judged because of their sexuality. Winsync: This is one of the greatest things. if they didnt do this, we wouldnt care, we would never say “It would be a much better show if the brothers mirrored each other, or did the same thing at the same time” but for whatever reason, TPTB wanted this, and it works so well! Its an intimacy we can see without the show going OTT bromantic. Its the connection, the closeness, and being soulmates. I LOVE this! Soulmates and Brothers: Normally a show will make soulmates out of lovers. It’s not often they do it with siblings. It helps justify their deep love and devotion. It adds an additional layer to their relationship. It makes them so tied together that they will share eternity in heaven together, and not just in their memories. This was a very good decision made by Kripke and crew, so we will all know they cant live without each other, even if they just lived in different homes. I love this! Meta Madness: Though I dont like all the meta episodes, I do love the fact they can do them, and DO do them. Because the whole premise is the supernatural, nothing is impossible, even AUs and cartoon worlds. Sometimes I might roll my eyes, but its awesome to me that they can experiment this way and see how it goes. I Love this!! The Bros are Oblivious: Sam and Dean have been through basically everything, and have seen and done everything, yet they seem shocked when people say theyre famous, or when they heard people tell stories about them. Occasionally they grasp their importance, like when they tell people they save the world, but they were impressed that Asa fixed killed 5 Wendigo, and had an Angel Blade, and Father Luca met the Pope. I mean God hung out at the bunker and made them pancakes! Their Heads Dont Get Too Big: Every once in a while, TPTB make sure we, and the boys, remember that they are only human. Even if they lock away Satan, kill Death, save God’s life, they’re just men. Remember when Bobby died and Dean was sure he wouldnt because “its just one bullet!” ? I can see how it would seem so silly to Dean, and even to us, that someone who has lived through so much, could die from a stupid little bullet. I think that one of the smartest things the show has done in ages, was to have Sam tortured by Toni and friend. Sam was so bold and cocky (and need I say sexy?) telling Toni he’d been tortured by the devil himself, and what could she do to him... He soon learned Hell torture or not,  cold showers still suck, blow torches to the feet still hurt like hell, and a mortal human can still fuck with his head. And Dean, well he can still be put on the injured reserve list from a jacked up leg. IMO S12 was great for re-humanizing the Winchesters. I love this! Comedy to Tragedy: Some of the best episodes, started out funny and ended in a tear jerker. Mystery Spot, Just My Imagination, and Beat The Devil top my list. I love the emotional rollar coaster, Coming away exhausted from an episode is the bestthing I can ask for! They havent tried it the other way around, tragedy to comedy, and thats good. If you are crying at the beginning and laughing later, it doesnt justify the grief and you may feel let down and hollow after. SPN is great with having some humor in even the most depressing episodes, but they know when using it and leaving it out is best. I love this! Brohugs: My #1 favorite thing, aside from the hug in 6.1, they have all been beautiful. Not once, have the boys lost the love, or even repeated the same hug. Each one conveys a different message, a different emotion, but all say “I love you more than everything” and I wont ever get tired of them! I would do anything for a single hug in my whole life that had such love in it, as any Winchester bro hug! I.LOVE.THIS!! Now I hope if you read this far, you got to smile a few times, and a spark was added to the fire that you fell in love with 14 seasons ago. Here’s to S14, i hope its filled with all of these wonderful things!

[annabethwisegirl-chase]

250 Headcanons (Part 4)

I bet you thought you’d seen the last of these.  Headcanons #151-200.  These cover from Annabeth’s time in college, to her death, as well as a little extra.  You’ll see what I mean if you make it to the end of this.  

151. One of the general education requirements at the university in New Rome has to deal with an Ancient Roman history course, and how they’ve evolved over time, how things have changed and stayed the same, and how the past repeats itself, etc.  Being the good Greek demigod that she is, Annabeth spends most of the class creating edited versions of notes that contradict half of what the professor’s saying.  The myths that were so obviously stolen from the Greek tradition get the most heavy handed treatment, with Annabeth opting to continue telling it the way she knows.  After all, it’s based on her culture, so it has to be more accurate than whatever the Romans turned it into.  Since most of the tests in the class are short and long essay response questions, Annabeth ends up not doing too well in that course because of the fact she refuses to change her perspective on Rome and its history.  Her final paper in the class has about half a page about Roman history/mythology, comparing it to its Greek counterparts, before she spends the rest of it detailing where the narrative is completely wrong, citing sources like “my mother, the goddess, Athena,” and “Chiron, trainer of heroes,” and “former Praetor Jason Grace, who met this guy and said he was a dick.”  The last one, she found, was really hard to cite in APA format.

152.  Although Annabeth does have friends in New Rome (Reyna, Frank, Hazel, and the occasional appearance by Jason), she never feels quite right there.  She knows that most of the others living there don’t think twice about having her around, but there’s still an underlying prejudice with many of the younger demigods still at Camp Jupiter.  It’s enough to make her want to move back to New York after one year.  But, the credits at New Rome don’t really transfer to any other university, and Annabeth can’t stand the idea of feeling like she wasted her time there.  So, she agrees to stick it out for the next three and reevaluate at the end of it where they want to live.

153.  She spends those next three years drawing up plans for New Athens in her spare time and working with Chiron via IM on how to make it a reality.  At first the centaur seemed hesitant, because camp was never intended to become a permanent home.  But, with demigods living longer and Camp Jupiter having such a well working structure, Chiron knows he really has no choice but to give in.  Through some “anonymous funding” provided by the Olympian gods, the camp is able to buy more land and expand its borders for the creation of a new town.  The Athena Parthenos is moved to where the gates of the new city will be, and Annabeth almost hates that she’s not there to see its symbolic new placement.  Almost.

154.  At the college in New Rome, passwords have to be changed every 180 days.  It’s a supid rule, and Annabeth has to get IT to reset her account for her once because she forgets and lets it expire.  But, each year, she sets up her passwords based around a “theme” in the hopes they’ll be easier to remember.  (Although so many people are amazed at the things Annabeth can remember, passwords just don’t seem to be among them).  Her first year is pretty simple, just naming her friends and adding a number at the end of it.  The next few years have themes including favorite Disney characters, famous architects, and superheroes.

155.  Annabeth has never liked the taste of coffee. Ways to keep her going after pulling all-nighters usually include a lot of exercise and Dr. Pepper.  She also has very specific stages that she goes through whenever she hasn’t slept that are, in order: drunk sounding Annabeth, giggly Annabeth, sarcastic/sassy Annabeth, flat out mean Annabeth, and finally dead girl walking Annabeth.

156.  The first place she starts to design for New Athens is the home she wants to live in with Percy.  It’s completed in bits in pieces, because she keeps trying to hide it from him, which is definitely a task that is easier said than done.  He keeps trying to sneak up behind her or steal her blueprints away, just to see what is taking her away from him that he knows isn’t school work.  Somehow though, she manages to keep it tucked safely away, in a tube with a pen mark down the side that she stashes with her old Olympus sketches.

157.  She will drop anything and everything to have her head and/or neck rubbed. 

158.  Annabeth also is just a really good artist in general.  Like, she’s great at proportions and angles from her years of trying to train as an architect.  But, it transfers over into other subject matter as well.  Her notebooks are filled with doodles in the corners that look way more detailed than something absentmindedly drawn during lectures.  

159.  Since her mom is also the goddess of crafts, Annabeth tries to take up knitting over a winter break, watching Youtube tutorial videos to try and get good at it.  Although she can make a pretty wicked scarf, her hats kind of look deformed.  But, that doesn’t stop her from making them for nearly everyone that she comes in contact with.  It’s therapeutic, to be able to work with her hands and continue to create things instead of feeling like she’s only tearing them down.  And making hats and scarves take so much less time than watching a building rise from the ground up.  So it definitely provides the more immediate satisfaction while she’s waiting for her more major projects to come to fruition.

160.  Annabeth cannot cook to save her life.  She made it a point to learn how to make cupcakes, but that’s as far as her ability in the kitchen goes.  Everything else ends up burnt or not completely done.  Then, when Annabeth tries to cook it/bake it longer, then it just ends up burning.

161.  Ham, pineapple and extra black olives is her pizza of choice.  However, due to the fact she seems to be the only one on the side of pro-pineapple, and her boyfriend’s insistence that the pineapple taints the pizza entirely, she just settles for olives on her half of the pizza. 

162.  Literally always cold.  It doesn’t matter that they spend the majority of the year in California, Annabeth always has some sort of jacket or sweater on her.  She walks around her apartment with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders and sleeps with her socks on because she swears that it keeps her warmer.

163.  Annabeth is that person who always dresses up for class.  Well, not necessarily dresses up, but is careful to make sure she looks professional at all times.  Literally the second she gets home though, it’s goodbye pants and hello oversized sweatshirt.  If there are going to be any plans to go out to eat dinner, or hang out in the city, those have to be made between classes or immediately after she walks through the door.  Because the second she changes out of her clothes, that’s it for the day.

164.  The first year that Percy and Annabeth live together brings back a lot of the bickering from their younger days.  And sometimes, that bickering can spiral out of control and have them in full on fights.  The argument that crops up the most definitely has to do with household chores.  Annabeth is used to having a certain level of cleanliness.  It helps her to stay focused it there’s not a huge mess everywhere.  Percy, on the other hand, does not seem to be quite as phased by it.  Fed up, she decides to try and institute a chore wheel, but it ends up causing more problems and neither of them pay much attention to it.  But, they never think to take it down off its place on the fridge.  So, it stays there pretty much the entire time they live in that apartment.

165.  She owns three calendars.  One is a little planner that she keeps in her backpack, one is hanging up on the wall by her desk, and one is huge and actually sits on her desk.  Although the same information is written in pretty much all three, the constant reminders and hope of seeing it makes it more likely that Annabeth will complete a task that’s set out for her.  Everything is also color coded.  School assignment due dates and tests are in red, family events are in blue, social events are in green, appointments are in purple, demigod related things are in orange, and anything else that might pop up is in pink.

166.  Annabeth gets a job her second year of living in New Rome working at a cafe.  She has to be up way too early for her liking, but she always has been an early riser so it’s not too hard to make the adjustment.  Besides, it means that she’s done with her shift by the time her classes start, giving her ample time in the evenings to work through her homework as well as her plans for New Athens.  She walks around all day smelling like coffee though, and it’s enough to make her never want to get near the stuff when she finally quits a few months before graduation.

167.  Growing up at camp, Annabeth’s used to eating pretty healthy.  However, that does not mean she can’t inhale junk food like the next person.  Her favorite non-healthy snack has to be chocolate covered peanuts (specifically, Goobers, but she’s not super picky on that).  On the flip side, she doesn’t really like peanut M&Ms.  Despite the fact that people have tried to convince her they’re basically the same thing, she’ll have none of it.  She claims that the candy coating gives the M&Ms a completely different flavor and basically refuses to eat them.

168.  There’s only one movie that Annabeth has ever cried at: Dinsey’s Hercules.  And, it didn’t even start until she was in her teens.  Even in college and beyond, she spends the entire film pointing out things that the movie got wrong.  But, the last ten minutes of it has her tearing up every single time.

169.  Annabeth is a Slytherin.  She also thinks that the people who combine houses (Slytherclaws, Gryffinpuffs, etc.) are just lying to themselves to make them feel better.

170.  Annabeth and Percy end up adopting two dogs from a nearby animal shelter.  They definitely went with the intention of only getting one, because their apartment was still small, and they were super busy all the time.  But, they couldn’t decide between two and ultimately decided to just get both of them.  Since there were two, each of them decided they got to rename one each.  So Otis and Aramis Jackson were added to the clan.

171.  Annabeth’s eyesight starts to get really poor during her sophomore year of college.  She dealt with it being slightly fuzzy, too stubborn to get her eyes checked out, for more than a year before finally giving in.  While she thanks the gods that she’s allowed to get contacts from the get go, her back up glasses have large, black frames and she feels sufficiently like a dork when she has to wear them.

172.  They’re juniors in college the first time the question of marriage is seriously discussed.  It’s Christmas break, and they're spending a weekend at her dad’s before Percy’s family flies in to celebrate the holiday.  Her stepmom meant it as a joke when she asked when they were getting married, and everyone--including Percy--looks stunned with Annabeth answers: “the summer after we graduate, that Saturday in the weird week where July becomes August.”  She says it without even looking up from the piece of chicken that’s she cutting, and is genuinely confused at everyone’s expression when she does look up.

173.  That same night, after everyone goes to bed, Percy asks her if she was being serious about what she said at dinner.  Annabeth responds in the affirmative, explaining how she felt like it went along with the whole idea that she wanted to be married young.  And, she wants to change her last name before she makes her mark in the mortal architectural world so that when she becomes a sort of “brand,” she’ll be restricted from doing that.  Since everything in their life happens in the summer, it only made sense that they’d get married then and she picked the weekend closest to the middle of their birthdays.  He acts all offended for about half a second, claiming that he can’t believe she made all these plans without even asking her to marry him, but they’re both a little too giddy at the prospect of actually getting married for them to believe it’s actually genuine.  Their laughter only grows when Annabeth gets down on one knee and asks him to marry her, slipping his college ring onto his ring finger to keep up the charade.

174.  Technically, they get engaged twice.  The first time, when Annabeth proposed with a college ring and it’s the time that she swears is the official start of their engagement.  The second time takes another year to crop up, and they’ve already started planning their wedding when Percy slides the engagement ring onto her hand.  It’s the second time that he swears is the official start of the engagement.

175.  In high school, the running gag was that if Percy didn’t graduate, then he couldn’t come to New Rome with her.  Of course, it was a ridiculous thing to say, because they both knew that no matter what happened, she would not be leaving him behind.  In college, the running gag becomes that if he doesn’t graduate, then he won’t get to marry her.  Of course, it proves to be just as ridiculous as their old gag, and not just because they’ve already put their deposit down on the venue.

176.  She designed exactly four structures for New Athens before deciding it wasn’t worth trying to do it all on her own.  She would go insane.  So, Annabeth handed over her designs and basic outline of the town to the Athena campers living at camp.  Those campers team up with the Hephaestus cabin to work on the city, careful to make sure each of Annabeth’s designs--including the house she made for herself and Percy--go into the final construction of the city.  It’s not ready to move into when they graduate college, but it’s closer than anything Annabeth could have achieved on her own.

177.  When they graduate from college, it’s a huge ordeal.  They have their friends from both camps come out, Percy’s family flies in, Annabeth’s family (including Magnus and two of his friends) shows up, and most of them end up crashing in their tiny apartment.  It’s cramped, and you can’t walk two steps without stepping on someone at night, but it’s great.  They have a barbecue after the ceremony, and the entire day is spent laughing and reminiscing on the various instances that made everyone doubt either Percy or Annabeth would end up as college graduates.  All through the day, Nico keeps shooting her strange glances, like he suspects something, but never voices a concern.  The party lasts for an entire weekend, and when people finally start leaving, they all express excitement at reuniting again in New York in a few months for the wedding.

178.  They decided to move back to New York after graduation.  Although Annabeth liked being close to her family and the safety of New Rome, neither of them felt they were truly at home.  So, two weeks after graduation, Percy and Annabeth pack as many of their belongings as they can into their car, and drop off the rest with Frederick, who promises to mail them soon.  It’s a long trip that’s only supposed to take four days, but because they’re who they are and constantly need breaks, monster attacks, and a weird case of car sickness from Annabeth, it ends up taking them almost twice that long.  Percy ends up having to drive most of it because Annabeth is exhausted or has a headache for most of the trip, and spends as much of it as she can sleeping.

179.  Since they don’t have an apartment when they move back to the city, Percy and Annabeth move back into his old room at Sally’s until they find one they like.  It’s still small and not in the best part of the city, but it’s theirs and her dad insists that he doesn’t mind helping them out a little.  At least, it’ll do until Annabeth’s job becomes more than just an internship and Percy finishes up with the final three courses that he has to take in order for his teaching license to be compatible with New York’s teaching requirements.

180.  She’s never been good at taking medication.  It doesn’t matter if there’s people there to remind her to do it, or if she puts post it notes up everywhere to try and get herself to take it.  It’s just one of those things that slips her mind.  It was the case when her stepmom put her on medication for her ADHD, and now, it’s the case with her birth control.  And it’s hard for her pills to work if she never takes them.  Which might be why she finds out she’s pregnant a little over a month before her wedding day.

181.  She absolutely does not want to invite any part of their godly family, and insists that they won’t even show up if they are invited.  But, Piper convinces her that it’ll be a slight if they don’t get invited to it, so Annabeth eventually relents.  Her invitation to Hera though has to be mailed a week later by Percy when Annabeth insists that it got “lost.”  However, due to the fact that Hera is the goddess of marriage, he vetoes her in saying that it’s asking for trouble if they don’t have her come.  Everyone is surprised when most of the gods RSVP with a yes.

182.   I keep seeing people saying Percy and Annabeth’ll get married at Camp and I’m like... no.  Okay here we go.  They get married at Montauk, and there’s this place called like the Navy Beach House or something, and it’s super nice and expensive but Frederick insists on paying for it because he knows that this is what Annabeth wants.  And he hasn’t really felt like he’s been able to really give her anything she wants before, so this is something that he goes all out for.  Also keep in mind, mortals can’t enter camp, and there is no way that Percy and Annabeth would get married without Sally, Paul, and baby Blofis around.  They want it to be a small thing, but of course, what Percy and Annabeth want and what usually happens end up being in complete contrast with each other.  It’s another huge party, with people from both camps coming in, basically all the gods showing up in human-esque form, the hunters of Artemis showing up (but they kind of have to, since Thalia’s in the wedding), in addition to the mortal sides of both their families.  The gods put up a protective border for the day, because that many demigods in one place would definitely draw monsters.  And Aphrodite has been waiting for this day since Percy and Annabeth were eleven, so no one is messing it up unless they want to deal with her wrath.  It’s great, but there’s so much preparation and planning and hugging relatives that it seems to go by in a blur.  Annabeth is sufficiently disappointed when the only piece of wedding cake she gets is the piece that Percy smashed in her face.

183.   She manages to keep the whole pregnancy thing a secret from everyone (except she’s like 85% sure Sally knows something’s up, and Nico definitely knows.  Turns out he can sense new life just like he can sense people dying and that’s why he gave her the weird looks at the graduation).  It’s during the reception that she just writes “I’m pregnant” on a napkin that she passes to Percy before walking off to go greet more guests.  The look he gives her when she finally makes eye contact again is priceless.

184.  She changes her last name to Jackson as soon as she can after they get back from the honeymoon.  Piper gave her some grief about it, claiming that it was giving into the patriarchy or something, but Annabeth didn’t care.  She finally was officially a part of a family that was going to be permanent and that was going to be there for her, no matter what.  Changing her last name to symbolize her belonging to that family was 100% her choice and something she’d decided on doing not long after her and Percy started talking about getting married.

185.  Annabeth wanted to get her master’s directly out of college and was even accepted into a program.  However, she decided to delay it due to the fact she was the idea of working, going to school, and taking care of a newborn seemed next to impossible.  Annabeth knows she’s incredible, but she’s not that incredible.  It actually gets pushed back a lot farther than she meant to, because all of their kids kind of end up being born back to back to back.  Eventually, she is able to go back to school when the youngest starts kindergarten, and gets her master’s degree, before going on to achieve her doctorate as well.

186.  They have three kids: two boys and a girl.  The first two were not planned.  The only reason they did decide to have a third was because of the whole ‘rule of three.’  Despite the fact that Annabeth proved it was a stupid law on her first quest, something about it still seemed safe.  So, they had one more.  It becomes a tradition for the next two kids that whenever Annabeth finds out she’s pregnant, she just writes it on a napkin and slips it to Percy at the end of dinner, before taking one of the kids to another room in their apartment.

187.  It’s after their second kid is born that New Athens is completed and they’re able to move back into the safety of camp borders, while still living as functioning adults.  It’s kind of a difficult commute for Annabeth for work, but she doesn’t care.  She likes living in a home she designed with her family.  And knowing their safe is worth the trip she has to take every day to get to the firm she works at.  When Annabeth got to take Percy around the house the first time after it was done, and explain the intricate details of it all and why she designed things certain ways, she was couldn’t stop bouncing on her feet as she walked.  They totally make out like teenagers in their newly finished kitchen before remembering that their kids are being watched by a few of Apollo’s kids in camp that probably should be relieved of their babysitting duties as soon as possible.

188.  Their youngest gets Percy’s water powers and he can’t properly control them until he’s about eight.  However, that doesn’t mean that his emotions don’t set them off.  Annabeth loses track of the number of times she gets doused in toilet water (to which Percy can’t help but laugh every time) and his siblings find themselves getting water from the faucet shooting straight at their faces every time there’s an argument.

189.  There are family Halloween costumes pretty much every year until their oldest is ten.  Some of Annabeth’s favorites include the Incredibles, Batman, the Scooby Doo gang, and the Addams Family.

190.  Due to the fact that both Percy and Annabeth are ADHD and dyslexic, all three of their kids have ADHD.  Only their daughter is not diagnosed with dyslexia and there are definitely tears of joy when Annabeth first hears her daughter read through a sentence without stumbling any more than any other child learning to read. 

191.  When each Jackson kid is six, they receive a plastic sword to begin learning to sword fight.  Granted, it probably seemed overkill, but all three of them definitely do still have a potent smell.  So, it’s necessary for them to learn how to fight.  After proving that they are capable of handling a blade and not hurting themselves (or pulling it on their siblings for the fun of it), they are given a real weapon, made especially for them by Tyson.  

192.  Board games, card games, and puzzles aren’t actually a thing that can go on in the Jackson household because everyone is so competitive about it.  Pieces go “missing” from puzzles because someone took it so they can put the last piece in.  Cards get traded below table tops to help someone win a hand.  Board games usually get tipped over “accidentally” when someone gets up to go to the kitchen for something to drink.  

193.  Annabeth falls asleep more at the kitchen table than she does in her own bed.  She gets wrapped up in some new project and insists on it being perfect.  So, even though she swears she’ll only be up for fifteen more minutes, there’s no telling what time Annabeth will actually pass out and Percy gave up trying to wake her up to come to bed about a year after they got married.  It just seemed that when he would wake her up, she’d murmur something about being awake enough to keep going and that she still definitely had five more minutes of work time left in her.

194.  She’s totally that mom who frightens teachers and coaches a like about her kids.  Like, when they make a mistake getting onto her kid for something that wasn’t their fault, or they take them out of a play when they’re clearly the best player on the team, Annabeth loses it.  She ends up banned from her daughter’s volleyball games for a year.

195.  When they take their kids to Disney for the first time, Annabeth is just as excited as any of the Jackson spawn.  She spends the entire time describing the inspiration for the facades of the buildings, as well as how the forced perspective is working.  She spends weeks planning their days down to the minute, factoring other potential plans for extra wait times, shorter wait times, etc. but ends up ditching all of it as soon as she rides Dumbo for the first time.  No one really understands why, but that is her ride.  They have to ride it first the two days they go to the Magic Kingdom during that trip.

196.   It’s not uncommon for either Percy or Annabeth to be asked to go out and escort a halfblood to camp.  Typically, they go as a team on the weekend, after dropping their kids off with Sally and Paul or letting them stay in their cabins at camp.  However, after getting a call from Chiron about a halfblood near by, Annabeth opted to take on the mission by herself.  After all, she’d be heading back close to camp’s borders at the end of the day anyway.  It only made sense to find the demigod and take them back with her.  But it wasn’t one demigod that she found.  There were three.  All kids under the age of twelve, and all looking absolutely terrified and banged up from a long journey.  There’s a rushed warning about something following them, and Annabeth decides then and there that it’s probably better to take them back to camp now instead of convincing them to hang out at work with her for the rest of the day first.  True to their word, there’s a cyclops on the trail of the three half bloods, who is ruthless in its attempts to hunt them down.  It destroys Annabeth’s car, and they’re but a few hundred feet from the protective borders of camp when she tells them to run and she’ll hold it off.   And it’s almost poetic, in a way.  When she’s turned to call directions to them, the cyclops knocks her to the side with a blow she didn’t see coming.  It sends her knife flying out of her hands, but she knows that she has to stall it in order for the kids to get to safety.  And they do.  They make it.  But Annabeth doesn’t.  She’s a month away from turning forty one when she dies.

197.  There’s a weird murmuring when Annabeth goes into the Underworld, and a few of the guard spirits seem to click excitedly when she arrives.  Despite her better judgement, she decides to go in front of the judges, to see if there is any sort of reward waiting for her on the other side.  Maybe she’ll get Elysium, or maybe--if she pleads her case hard enough--she’ll be able to wait for a few dozen years before Percy shows up so they can make the decision together.  After all, it was never a conversation that had popped up before.  Whenever they got close to the topic, they’d quickly find something else to talk about.  It definitely took her by surprise when she made her way in and found that she’d been granted not Elysium, but the Isles of the Blessed.  Her third life had been completed.  It’s then that she’s granted the memories of the first two lives as well before being ushered on.  In each of them, there are two common elements.  The first, there’s always a demigod present.  Somehow, the Greek gods continue to plague her life in each of her three incarnations.  The other, the boy she falls in love with is always the same.  Different names (except for his first and last lives, a fact she finds amusing), different parentage, slightly different personalities but the same goofy grin and same quick wit.

198.  Her first life found her as a princess in Ancient Greece, with parents who claimed she was more beautiful than Aphrodite.  The claim was considered blasphemy, and she was chained to a rock to be eaten for her parents’ words.  It seemed unfair, but she was too prideful even then to try and beg for her life from the gods.  So, she kept silent and faced her fate.  But her fate never came.  Instead, there was a boy--a demigod--who carried Medusa’s head that turned the monster to stone.  They married and lived happily ever after.   Seriously, depending on what version of the myth you read, Perseus and Andromeda are described to look exactly like Percy and Annabeth so fight me on this.

199.  Her second life had her as another Greek demigod, born in England.  This time, she was a daughter of Apollo.  Her mother had died when she was young, leaving the girl to become a charge to an aspiring artist during the early years of the English Renaissance.  He taught her how to paint and how to play the lyre, which she found that she was rather good at.  A soldier heard her playing, and quick banter made the girl find this soldier interesting.  Due to who her father was, she was talented with a bow and arrow, so she cut off her hair, ran away from her home, disguised herself as a man, and joined the army.  It was foolish, of course, and she died not long after by throwing herself in the way of a sword that was meant for the soldier she cared for.

200.  One of the privileges of being in the Isles is that she can travel through the Underworld, but it comes with stipulations.  It can never be for too long, she can’t look for people she used to know who chose to stay in the Fields of Asphodel, she can’t speak to demigods that come down for a quest, and the Fields of Punishment are completely off limits.  She uses this slight freedom to visit Daedalus when he’s working, often offering up tips for the redesigns he’s doing and to play catch with Cerberus.  As much as she enjoys the relaxing after three taxing lives, it does get a little lonely, even in a perpetual paradise.  There are definitely some happy tears shed when she finally reunites with who she can only call her soulmate.

[tmblogs]

March 11, 2017

I was uncontrollably happy today. I didn't sleep the night before, and handed in a crappy paper. This was due to the fact instead of doing the paper I listened to Anna's playlist for me, mine for her, and then the districts on repeat. I then wasted a couple hours on tumblr thinking about Anna. So yeah didn't get any of that shit done. The discussion in boogaard was better than usual as it was less factual, and more oppinion oriented. So despite me dying from exhaustion it was enjoyable. Ms. Wes was out so I just worked on the peer leader essays I was supposed to write the night before in c8. I really hope I get to be a peer leader, because freshman orientation was such a positive experience for me, and I just want to create that for people. Sohn was fine I worked on my essay more. Study hall came around and I sat with sean, and jennie which was a wierd group, but it was fine they played cards I did math homework. Anna stopped by, which was great, but my tiredness coupled with me not being prepared to see her made me just totally blank. I was trying to get my face to emote, but i was really fucking tired so i was a little wierd, but it was fun to see her. In lunch I went down the cafeteria, which is a rare occurence, and watched the flash mob, and it was so fucking akward, and cringy, but people clapped, and I died inside. Math I again just listened to anna's playlist. The same in gym but I also wrote my essay a bit, and worked out a bit. Clare is still fucking sick and it was snowing so i couldnt walk on the track so it was pretty boring. In english, ugh idfk man like I need to get in missing work and actually start doing shit because I am going to fail. I just need to get it together, but there is just a lot happening between the show, anna, and japanese like it's a little overwhelming dividing my time accordingly, but thankfully two of those things will be over in a week. Then in study hall my mom rushed to the school to sign the peer leader papers, because I was so fucking tired in the morning I totally forgot. After school I ran into anna, and we walked home, but I noticed jason wasnt there, and I was confused because she always walks with jason. So i started thinking she purposely left jason because of what I had said yesterday. Apparently she just forgot, but im still not sure because maybe she did remember like as we were leaving the school, and just decided not to say anything, because she didnt know how I would feel, but idk, I wish i knew what she was thinking at all moments of the day, but sadly that is not a thing I can do. The walk home was pleasant it took everything out of me to hide how fucking tired I was I mean I was dying but i tried to act energetic and like my brain was half working, but it was hard. Then it was wierd because I really wanted to keep walking with her so I just kept going, and missed all my turns, and then I askes myself how far are you going to walk with her? All the way to her house to the next stop, and then I was like she probably is thinking like hey wasnt that your turn and that I was wierd for just following her home, so then I decided to turn off, but i instsntly regreted that decision, and wished I had just kept going for a little longer, but like how much I had to leave at some point. Got home ate some food, a burrito, talked about plans for my birthday, I said I didnt want anything, because if they spend lots of money on me then they wont be as willing to let me spend lots of money, and i still need money but Ill probably get enough by this weekend, and then talk about it with my parents. Lol idk how they are gonna feel about the whole situation, but whatever. Slept for an hour and thirty, and was late to stage crew by thirty minutes. But goddamn was the show good. Just being there surrounded by people you love, and who love you, and just everything coming together to make something so beautiful it just made me so fucking happy, and I did that thing witb my hands where I shake then uncontrollably if im feeling mass amounts of joy and excitement, i mean that's how you nnow im really fucking happy. Anna went and picked up isabel, who is still mysterious and intimidating in my mind. Like holey fuck are people hype about her idk what to exoect if I ever actually meet her. OH MY GOD AND CASSIDY CAME, and it was so beautiful to see her again, and it felt like last year all over again, and I miss her sooooo much, and ugh it was great to see her if only briefly. If only gillian had come it would have been the og group me, gillian, cassidy, maura, and jimmy man, and sometimes alexis. Apparently gillian is being a real bitch though lately so. Ah man so many good times driving around for hours with them kind of sad that is all over. I remember one time we were out till like three am, and I was gillian and cassidy were piled atop me josh and jimmy, and alexis was in the front with maura, and awe man I miss that so much, but that's all over now and I accept that. Today it was maura and grace in the front me josh and leah in the back, and me and leah have become a lot more friendly I wonder if she still has grudge about what happened over the summer, and then ethan and amy in the back. Amy is wierd because I know she is a fake ass bitch, but also she is so fucking nice to me so like what am I supposed to do be mean to her? Like i cant be mean to someone if they dont first do some shit to me right, but idk the whole time we were together there was a thing in the back of mind saying like she hurt anna, and you shouldnt be nice to her, but like i didnt know what to do so i justed treated her like I always have. It was wierd to because I actually havent had a time were we hung out and it wasnt akward in like months so it was wierd going bsck to that. Of course josh brought vodka mixed with gatorsde, and we passed it around at ponzios, so first time I have drunk like sociably, didnt get drunk though only had a little bit. Then we gave liz the $1000 we raised for her and her family, she is a waitress at ponzios, I almost cried, amy and maura were crying, but i kept myself from doing so. Then on the ride back josh also decided to bring his vape pen so I tried that out for the first time to, and it was cool, tasted like strawberries so we all passed that around. At this point the car was filled with smoke, snd there were like seven or 8 people piled in, and of course we stop right behind a fucking police car for a good solid 2 mjnutes, so everyone fucking ducked in the trunk and like sat up straigjt and shit but nothing happened as always i was the first to be let out, which kind of bugged me but it was whatever, and yeah now im here and it is 12:48 am. So yeah

[deniscollins]

Racist Comments Cost Conservative Parkland Student a Place at Harvard

If you were a Harvard admissions manager and had accepted a survivor of the Parkland High School shooting tragedy, what would you do if after the acceptance you were informed that prior to the tragedy the student had written derogatory and racist screeds on social media, for which he has already apologized: (1) withdraw admission, (2) make admission conditional (if so, on what condition?), (3) maintain acceptance. Why? What are the ethics underlying your decision?

Of the many student activists who emerged from the tragic shooting last year at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Fla., Kyle Kashuv stood out as a conservative defender of the Second Amendment, surrounded by classmates who were mobilizing for sweeping new controls on guns.

He used that distinction to get meetings with the likes of President Trump and successfully push for what he believed would be more effective federal legislation to improve school security and help detect potential threats of violence at schools, as he proudly related in his admission essay to Harvard College.

In the essay, he described hiding in a classroom closet during the February 2018 rampage in which 17 people were killed. He said he learned about the deaths of his classmates one by one and chose to devote himself to activism afterward.

“While I support a conservative viewpoint on the Second Amendment, I know that finding common ground is the path to protecting our students,” he wrote. “I still believe that from the pits of despair, goodness can and will prevail.”

Harvard accepted him into its freshman class — briefly.

On Monday, Mr. Kashuv revealed on Twitter that the university this month rescinded its admission offer over a trail of derogatory and racist screeds that it turns out Mr. Kashuv, 18, wrote as a 16-year-old student, months before the shooting that would turn his high school into one of the most famous in the country.

Mr. Kashuv, who had apologized for the comments when they became public last month, did so again on Monday as he announced Harvard’s decision on Twitter. It followed, he said, a campaign against him organized by political opponents and former classmates who long ago stopped being his friends.

“Hopefully people have the goodness in their hearts to forgive me,” Mr. Kashuv said in a telephone interview. “I really hope that. What I said two years ago isn’t indicative of who I am.”

Some conservatives decried Harvard’s decision as unfair, once again thrusting the fraught issue of college admissions into the public eye. And the rescinded offer raised a question uniquely relevant to the digital age: To what degree should the pronouncements of young people who routinely document their thoughts online — in this case, in a private study document shared with a few classmates — follow them into adulthood?

A Harvard spokesman declined to comment, citing college policy on discussing an individual applicant’s admission status. In 2017, the college rescinded admission offers for at least 10 applicants who had shared sexually explicit and other offensive memes and messages in a private Facebook group.

Harvard informs students upon their admission that the college reserves the right to withdraw its offer for several reasons, including if an admitted student “engages or has engaged in behavior that brings into question their honesty, maturity or moral character.”

William R. Fitzsimmons, the dean of admissions and financial aid, cited “maturity and moral character” in informing Mr. Kashuv of the rescinded admission offer.

“After careful consideration the committee voted to rescind your admission to Harvard College,” Mr. Fitzsimmons wrote in a letter dated June 3, which Mr. Kashuv shared on Twitter. “We are sorry about the circumstances that have led us to withdraw your admission, and we wish you success in your future academic endeavors and beyond.”

Instead of taking a gap year and matriculating at Harvard in the fall of 2020 as he planned to do, Mr. Kashuv said he now expects he will have to reapply to colleges, since it is too late to accept admission offers from other schools that had offered him scholarships.

Two other prominent Parkland student activists, Jaclyn Corin and David Hogg, both of them vocal proponents of tighter gun restrictions, are headed to Harvard this fall. Mr. Hogg, who is completing a gap year, garnered attention when he announced his acceptance last year after being rejected from other schools, including from California State University at Long Beach. On Monday, Mr. Kashuv’s defenders noted that Mr. Hogg had a 4.2 grade point average and scored 1270 on the SAT test, while Mr. Kashuv said in the interview that he had a 5.4 G.P.A., and a 1550 SAT score.

Unlike some of his classmates who became national figures after starting a youth movement against gun violence, Mr. Kashuv garnered widespread attention as a young voice in favor of gun rights. In Washington, he lobbied in support of the STOP School Violence Act and a law stepping up requirements for reporting on criminal background checks on gun buyers, both passed in 2018.

He served as the high school outreach director for Turning Point USA, a conservative group with ties to the Trump family. Mr. Kashuv has since stepped down from that position, though he said on Monday his departure was unrelated to the comments that got him into trouble with Harvard.

A video showing screenshots of what he wrote, including repeated racial slurs, was posted online last month by a former schoolmate. The screenshots show that Mr. Kashuv and other students used a Google Doc study guide as a chat, with several of them editing the document simultaneously and commenting on each other’s remarks. In laying out the story Monday morning to his 304,000 Twitter followers, Mr. Kashuv said the “egregious and callous” comments were made “in an attempt to be as extreme and shocking as possible,” not because of any personal beliefs.

One screenshot shows Mr. Kashuv using a racial slur for African-Americans more than a dozen times.

“like im really good at typing” the slur, he wrote. “ok like practice uhhhhhh makes perfect son??!!”

In a different screenshot of a text message, Mr. Kashuv also used the slur to refer to black student athletes.

Ariana Ali, the former schoolmate who posted video of the messages on Twitter, declined to elaborate on Monday beyond praising Harvard’s rescinding of Mr. Kashuv’s admission offer.

“He’s being held accountable, & I think the consequences were necessary,” she said in a direct message on Twitter.

Ms. Ali’s video drew attention from several news outlets and Mr. Kashuv’s critics, including a far-right activist, Laura Loomer. Six days later, Mr. Kashuv resigned from Turning Point USA and issued a statement regretting his past comments. Two days later, Harvard inquired about the reports and asked Mr. Kashuv for an explanation.

Mr. Kashuv told Harvard he apologized “unequivocally.” He said he could not recall what he had written beyond what his former classmate had made public and had no record of the conversations himself.

“My intent was never to hurt anyone,” Mr. Kashuv wrote to the college. “I also feel I am no longer the same person, especially in the aftermath of the Parkland shooting and all that has transpired since.”

The Google Doc comments were made late at night as the students tried to outdo each other with outrageous remarks, Mr. Kashuv said in the interview on Monday, describing himself as thoughtless and immature at the time.

“In the same document, I said a bunch of anti-Semitic stuff,” he acknowledged. “That’s not who I am. My parents are Jewish. I’m Jewish. I go to synagogue every single week now — I’ve been going the past few weeks.”

Conservative Stoneman Douglas students like Mr. Kashuv have said they felt marginalized by their peers and the news media after the shooting, which inspired young people across the country to try to register voters and get gun laws changed. Already, some political commentators on the right see Harvard’s decision to rescind his admission as motivated by complaints from Parkland graduates who oppose Mr. Kashuv’s politics.

Mr. Kashuv’s approach in the aftermath of the shooting exacerbated tensions with some of the other survivors at the school. Last year, he posted video of himself shooting at a gun range, angering some classmates still shaken by the sound of gunfire. Schools officials questioned him about the incident, prompting Mr. Kashuv to go on Fox News and denounce the questioning as an attempt at intimidation.

Patrick Petty, 18, a friend and former Stoneman Douglas classmate of Mr. Kashuv’s, who shares his conservative views on gun control, said he never heard Mr. Kashuv use racist language or make offensive comments like the ones revealed in Ms. Ali’s video. He acknowledged friction in school among some students over their differing views of gun control, though he said some classmates quietly shared conservative opinions like theirs.

“If somebody really had an issue at the time, they would have taken it to a teacher or administrator,” said Mr. Petty, whose younger sister, Alaina, was killed in the shooting. “The fact that they didn’t just proves that it’s a political hit against Kyle because of his views.”

Harvard has faced other recent criticism for its handling of politically fraught matters. Last month, the university did not renew the appointments of the first two African-American undergraduate faculty deans in the school’s history — both of them law professors — after protests from students who were unhappy that one of the deans took on the disgraced movie producer Harvey Weinstein as a legal client.

Mr. Kashuv did not explicitly accuse Harvard of making a politically motivated decision. He did say he had not spent time since the shooting with the students who had shared in the Google Doc chat that included the comments highlighted in the video, in part because of their disagreements over gun control.

“We’ve just drifted apart,” he said. “They don’t like my political views.”

He said he has other friends who do not share his politics, and that several of them reached out on Monday to offer their support and tell him they thought Harvard had gone too far.

Other Stoneman Douglas graduates, however, appeared to welcome the news that he would not be going to one of the nation’s most prestigious universities. Some made vague comments on social media about “consequences;” some sent Mr. Kashuv “thoughts and prayers,” a gesture that victims of gun violence have seen as an empty one, especially coming from opponents of gun control.

[jasensalvatore]

A birthday essay. A blog entry:March 9th 2017. It’s midnight, march 9th, one year older then I was last year. It seemed like a short period of time passed this year from last. Ive hit the “big” number so all i can do is go up from here. I kind of do this every year I have a birthday, it becomes MY new years day. I’ve always kind of thought of birthdays that way. January 1st I can start thinking about my long term goals, researching them, thinking about them, march 9th I can put them into practice. Last years birthday was a milestone birthday, I really don't want to repeat the number, not that Im ashamed, its not that, its…well, maybe I’d like to hold on to my “youth” a little longer. I know that doesn't make sense. I wrote last year that by this age Id hoped and wished that I had gone further in my career, a career that I had a lot of promise and dreams for. The slippery slop of I wish I did, I Could have become, if I only….and that may be, this is what I've learned this past year. It hasn't been easy, and its sometime is heartbreaking to come to, I know that I'll always be an actor, Ill always work in the arts. The slippery slop….I do wish I had my head screwed on tighter when I was younger and my head out of the clouds and had gone to an art school, finished my masters, attached myself into my craft and work when I was younger and understood that a career doesn't necessarily begin in Hollywood. There I said it. Now understanding that, I can say that age brings wisdom. I cant help my self, I was at a coffee shop the other day and over herd a girl talking with a friend, it looked as if they were studying something, so i would but them in there early 20’s, and i overheard her say “well the acting thing…Ill try it, if i get discovered….” I had to hold my self back with commenting. Oh my youth…. I know that word well, “If i get discovered” It was my fucking motto with out doing anything about it. It’s not a race, its a journey. Sure had I aimed to go to Yale school of drama was I good enough to have got in at that time in my life? probably not. I knew from a young age that this was always my dream, probably age 12. I wish at that time i would have applied my self different, but this out come would have never been reached. Timing and destiny, yes I believe that by a Divine God. I can remember when i first got to Hollywood I would go around and knock on agents, managers and casting directors doors, I had moxie, I had a lot of ambition, I wanted it and didn't really know how to do it, it had to do with knowing the work, application and commitment. I want the fame with out the do. does that make sense. I remember I walked into a managers office and said something like I'm not leaving until i can see the manager, walked into his office and pulled out some corny TV monologue, Im sure it had heart, I did have a lot of passion in those days. So the manager said ok, and hip pocketed me,(those who know that term) and sent me out on my first audition for a major Disney film, I was like…this is it I’m going to book this and be discovered, and it’s only been a year that I've been in Hollywood. Got the script sides, in those days they had to have them messengered over, I thought I was so…in having a messenger knock at my door with a script. I looked at it read over it, and I think that may have been it….I know knock my self in the head…I show up yo Disney, the gate they have my name, wow. drive on, walk up, wait to be called in…,….walked out herd laughs, Never never got call back again from that manager. I knew that while I might have passion I didn't know how to do the work, sounds like “ Boleslavsky’s the first six lessons.” and thats where I started. I think a big part of it was maturity. I went to NYC in 2002 by my self, set out to another big city, I didn't know anybody, took my first taxi ride, I tried my foot in NYC audition stage and was given a rude awaking. It seems like this is a big part of my life, my career, my dreams. It’s a reoccurring struggle on my journey. My journey. Thus far has been filled with excitement and adventure, pain and joy. In all due truth, I believe when I started to walk outside my bubble and travel around the world I saw that I had much to learn and see to understand something bigger then i was. It’s a story, it’s my story. I had a moment this past fall on my trip with my father. We were driving through Switzerland and reached a point where we were at the center of the pass, we had reached the clouds, and some how in a divine way God met me at that spot, it was some clarity. My discovery to being discovered, life doesn't work that way. Had I had my way in my 20’s and 30’s I would not be surround by the love that fills me now. Id probably be a victim, at the time, I had no great support system around me, close to me, to hold my had through it, i may have been a “has been” and that was never the dream in my life So yes i believe in fate, divine fate. A reason and a time. Anxiety still gets the best of me at times, tunnels of darkness creeps in at times, and at times I need to be cracked over the head with a bat to wake me up and open my eyes to the blessings I have in front of me and the infinite power that has a plan for me at the right time in my history, my journey. I have learned to fall in love with this verse of wisdom, for me it has served as hope, Job 23:10, “But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold”. This last year has been one hell of a year. It’s been a journey. 3 surgery’s, a dip in a mid life crisis, a journey around the world with my father, be passed over for a major movie I lobbied for for 6 years, watch my commercial agent drop me only to see her book a lead on a hit show herself. Be told I was to old and had not enough experience for a job. We got positive answers about our daughters health. I helped my parents move from the bouts of hell to California (Missouri), having them be a part of our children lives and watch them grow, getting to hold my wife's hand and have her wipe my tears away when I feel like a failure and lost about my dreams, when she see’s me for me and celebrates my dreams. My two healthy children that I get to hold. If it wasn't for this journey I wouldn't be at this moment, right now. There is a reason, a path, a season, and a growing curve....There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heaven a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal,a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,a time to search and a time to give up a time to keep and a time to throw away,a time to tear and a time to mend,a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. I am blessed. thank you Sarah, Samuel, Sofia, Mom and Dad. thank you.