#i feel so deeply connected to his character not only the sad and traumatic moments of his life but also the fun side of him and his entire

[lucidicer]

face reveal

[i-heart-hxh]

I just want to say I appreciate you for staying positive about killugon. Admittedly, I’ve given up on them. Maybe it’s too many angsty fanfics or metas I’ve seen that basically make it seem like they’ll never be close again but it’s nice to see some people still going strong with this ship! Hopefully one day I can enjoy this ship again the way I used to. Currently everything I read about them in fandom just depresses me.

Hi anon!

I'm sad to hear the negativity has gotten to you to this degree! It actually surprises me how much the fandom seems to think what happened between them can't be fixed. I've been into HxH for almost 8 years now and as time has gone on and I've revisited the series and analyzed it deeply and discussed it with others, I've only grown more certain that things between them will be okay--assuming Togashi can reach that point in the series. And right now is a great time to be hopeful about the future of HxH, with Togashi working so actively on the series the past few months.

Sooo many of the messages in my inbox amount to "Is there really hope? Are Gon and Killua really going to reunite and reconcile? Or is their relationship hopelessly broken?" so even though I feel like a bit of a broken record addressing this topic so much, it seems like it's a topic people really want addressed, so here's some more of my thoughts. (Trying to make my answers on this topic at least a little different each time even if some repetition is inevitable...!)

Here's this post I made of some of the reasons I anticipate a Gon and Killua reunion and fixing their relationship. And here's this eye-opening analysis post of the separation, yet again, which also offers hope.

So much of HxH is about second chances. It's about how love and human connections transform people and make life worth living, no matter how painful and difficult it may be. At the end of Chimera Ant Arc, Meruem and Komugi (who are, by the way, absolutely parallels for Gon and Killua) find their meaning for living in each other, and decide to stay together even knowing the only way they can be together is in the afterlife. If you trace back this scene to all the factors and character moments that made it possible, it goes all the way back to Gon extending kindness to Killua and changing his life. I believe Gon and Killua are on a path wherein they will ultimately find their meaning in each other and vow to stay together again (albeit without the dying part).

Gon and Killua are the protagonists of the series, and they are emblematic of the themes of HxH. Looking at the themes of HxH and the worldview it presents, it doesn't make sense for Gon and Killua to experience this horrible traumatic incident as the young teens they are, then never ever get to fix and resolve it even though they're both clearly upset to have to leave each other and they definitely have more to say to each other. Why show them feeling dissatisfied and unhappy to separate if they'll never get a chance to fix things and be happy together again? Do you really think that's the direction Togashi wants to go in, with the focus of the series and the repeated emphasis on how the hope we can find in a cruel, painful world rests in the connections we have with the people around us?

It's meaningful that they make each other so happy and transformed each others' lives. It's meaningful that even now in merch and artwork and such, they're portrayed as a pair. It's meaningful that a huge chunk of the audience so desperately wants to see them together again, and I'm certain Togashi is well aware of that. These two are at the heart of what makes HxH so wonderful and moving.

It's okay to take a break from the ship if it's not bringing you joy. Sometimes I get frustrated by takes and interpretations I see about it, too, trust me. Ultimately, it's here for you whenever you want to revisit it, and there are plenty of fanworks with happy endings and reconciliation between them if you need something to tide you over until canon hopefully resolves things between them. But do what feels right for yourself--it's okay to focus on something fluffier and less complex if that's what you need for now. I hope eventually you can come to see it with more hope, as I have lots of hope for their future--and I don't think it's unwarranted at all. 💖

[striderthefrog]

Scratch McGee and repressed trauma.

First off I’d like to preface this by saying I am not an expert on mental health this is an attempted analysis of a cartoon character through the lense of mental health for the purpose of entertainment.

TW: Discussion of mental health/ptsd

Scratch has been one of the most complex characters in tgamm. He starts off as a grumpy hermit, but as the series progresses we begin to see that he has a softer side. However he is trying to escape a traumatic past and is scared of forming attachments.

In scaring is caring it is revealed that Scratches worst fear is losing Molly. Although they’ve only known each other for a few months these two have become the closest of friends and we see that Scratch is deeply afraid of losing her even though he shouldn’t have to be worried about that.

Then we get to season two, this is when we really start to see where the possible trauma originated. In A soda to remember we see Scratch and Molly try to get a soda he had as a kid to help him remember his past. This could be seen as a trigger for his trauma, something related to it that starts to bring up those feelings/memories.

Scratch confesses to Molly that he is scared of his past, he doesn’t know if he wants to remember, part of him wants to forget it for good. He ends up deciding that not knowing is the worse end so he takes a sip and we get a peak into his childhood.

Here we see that Scratch had a friend that moved away. We hear a sad version of the friendship motif which has been used with Molly and Scratch’s bonding moments. Scratch looks up from the soda directly at the screen showing the most raw emotion we have seen of him yet. He does not tell Molly about this for a while.

Finally we get to All in the mind, an entire episode delving into Scratches past memories and trauma. The form of these memories coming back takes the form of bubbles fizzing up. A fitting way to show that he can’t hide from his trauma forever. Now Scratch seems to be depicted with some form of ptsd/cptsd albeit a more simplified cartoon version. These can be triggered by very small things sometimes seemingly unrelated however the brain usually has come to associate some things with the traumatic memories causing it to trigger.

It seems possible due to the correlation with Adia that being around Molly is causing Scratch to remember things and face his repressed trauma. The better he gets to know her the more he feels a connection similar to his one with Adia.

Once we dive into Scratches mind we see many things such as childish cardboard ship in a bottle of the same soda. And we also see many food related things. Including a taco “of his past.” In his mind we see a brief scene where Scratch is in a chair across from a monkey very clearly like he would a therapist. Scratch clearly has something mentally going on.

Later in the episode Scratch is finally able to stop running for a bit, he talks through it with Molly and although still scared he’s going to try and confront his past. We get an even deeper look into his mind and see him and Adia discussing their plans to travel the world, while in a cardboard boat.

We get another look at the scene of Adia moving away but this time we see scratch look down at his hands where the soda is.

Scratch has begun to dig up his past trauma although it seems we have yet to see the source. At the end of the episode we see a massive bubble come up with Adias face in it distorting the end music and the logo.

Scratch still has his biggest traumatic memories to deal with.

It’s been confirmed that Scratch would have been about 9-10 in the flashback scene we got. When someone goes through trauma they often will act in a way reminiscent of the earliest time they had before said trauma. We consistently see Scratch acting like a child, throwing fits, and talking about things like a 9-10 year old would.

All this seems to point to Scratch having un processed trauma and memories. The show seems to be leading towards the final straw being something happening to Molly as Scratches biggest fear is losing her, like he seems to have lost Adia.

On that note I’d just like to add that trauma takes many forms, and many different things can lead to childhood trauma. One persons will not be like someone else’s necessarily and traumatic experiences happen much easier when one is a child as the brain is still forming. Please feel free to critique anything I’ve said. Hope this has been interesting.

[theblackcatspeaks]

A Youji Sakiyama analysis

A living hell in your own body.

CW: Pregnacy, rape, male pregnancy, abuse, violence, etc. Basically, a whole NitroChiral+ game.

Please be aware that this analysis will contain spoilers from the route of Makoto and the game itself.

So, here it is.

Basically, I've been meaning to write this analysis for a while now. I waited until I finished the route of Makoto, but I'll continue on making these analysis while I do the rest.

I can admit that I wasn't not expecting to connect to Youji that much, but I surprised myself. I connected to him quite A LOT, something that hasn't occurred when referring to masculine leaning characters.

From the beginning we can see that he's the protagonist of the story, suffering from an illness that makes him weak. Having to lose time out of school due of it, Youji doesn't really seem to care about his surroundings. There's an anxiety that keeps him still, between the looks of his classmates and his daily routine.

Of course there's not a direct mention of the figure of Mary, if you're someone who has been in a catholic environment; you can tell that the feminine concept is what makes the game so important. Youji, as we soon discover through the playthrough, he is a Mesu. A parasite lives inside his body and makes him suffer symptoms of pregnancy and PMS.

From the beginning of the game we learn that there's a lot of biblical references, later we find out that the cult that exists in the Sweet Pool universe worships Sodom. For those that are not familiarized with Biblical Mythos, Sodom was the city of sinners and sodomy. God punished the citizens for their sins. The cult worships the city.

Now, going back to the virgin Mary figure. Who's Mary? Mary was the Mother of Jesus and the most important female figure for Catholics, second is Mary Magdalene.

Right in the beginning of the game we can see that in the shoe racks, there's an statue of the Virgin Mary holding a baby, her son, Jesus. Mary was impregnated by the Holy Spirit, without a sin. Her body is pure and an example of what an ideal wife and mother should be, faithful to her faith.

Youji is the opposite.

When Youji gets his first "period", I couldn't help but feel sadness. It reminded me when I first had mine when I turned 11 years old, coming back to school and suddenly feeling hot blood between legs; realizing with horror that I was able to get pregnant. Youji doesn't understand what is happening with his body and t his terrifies him.

In that very moment, Youji turned into an object of desire to others. Makoto, who was his only friend at school started to get attracted to him due the pheromones he is emanating. Zenya too, realizing that he is also one of his kind, since Zenya's family is part of the cult that I mentioned later.

Zenya couldn't become an Osu, a High Class male, with the Sodom parasyte, ending up severely traumatized and wanting to prove himself and his family that he can become one. In his ending, he ends up abusing Youji and violently does do so.

There's no happiness for Youji in his routes, but I'll mainly speak about his ending in Makoto's. Youji ends up cannibalized and raped by his best friend. If you are a someone with fem traits or appearance, you'll get definitely targeted by people who desire to touch you, or in the worst cases, to abuse you.

What I am explaining in this analysis, if you have female traits, you'll become an object of desire. If you bleed, you become something to produce. Youji turns into a whore and a virgin if you know about the Madonna complex.

As someone who deals with PCOS, having periods turned into a nightmare. Back in summer of 2022, I remember bleeding for almost two months, never knowing when it was going to end. I felt like there was a hell inside of me and that's why I connected so deeply to Youji and the parasite inside of him.

I think I'll write more of Youji later, but if there's something I can say about Sweet Pool that makes it different than DMMD, (I love both, truly, I had a very deep obsession with it back in 2014-2015), is that Sweet Pool connects to the female monstrosity.

Bleeding is something feminine and a monstrosity. Hence why is there so many horror movies that depicts motherhood and the female body like an Alien for example. I wouldn't say Youji accepts the parasite, but he ends up talking to them in a way.

Nobody was there for Youji but the statue of Mary in his school, observing how his body turned into the object of adoration and hate. Like hers.

[ficsforeren]

Our Little Secret - Chapter 3

Series Masterlist

Pairing: Eren Jaeger X Female Reader

Genre: College AU, Spider-Man/Spider-Girl AU, Fluff, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Eventual Smut

Series Summary: Eren Jaeger, a 21-year-old virgin college student who loves his camera a little bit too much, has a crush on you. Every night, he switches on his camera and talks about you but he never could find the courage to speak to you in real life. Strangely enough, he finds it easy for him to befriend Spider-Girl, the crime fighting vigilante, not knowing that you both share the same identity.

Chapter Summary: Never in his life did he ever think that he’d be bestfriends with a crime-fighting vigilante, but Eren is definitely not complaining. As you grow closer, you start to learn more about him, including his past and how deeply he’s in love with you—the real version of you.

Content Warnings: explicit sex scene (happens at the end of the series, can be skipped if you want), swearing, mentions of characters going through depression, traumatic past events

Word Count: 8k

Poster art by the most talented @rainbuniart (follow her on Twitter)

You’ve been bitten again, not by that radioactive spider that gave you your arachnid-like abilities but by that love bug thing Historia was talking about. Because this is it, isn’t it? You’re in love.

Well, to be fair, you’ve never been in love before so you won’t know if you actually are in love with him, but after witnessing how love was depicted in books or those sappy TV shows you watched on Saturday nights, you can confirm that you feel something similar toward him.

The college student version of you might have a crush on him, but Spider-Girl feels something much more intense as she’s much closer to Eren than you could ever be. Spider-Girl knows him—the real him, not the lovesick puppy version of him who can barely speak a sentence to you without stammering his words. Spider-Girl knows his favorite jokes and the things that make his blood boil. Spider-Girl is his friend, the one that he enjoys spending late-night hours talking to on his rooftop, sharing dreams and memories, while you’re just a stranger that he adores from afar. You might have the power to wake up the butterflies in his stomach but Spider-Girl knows for sure what makes his heart beat faster from thrill, or fear, or joy, or even sadness. Eren has been admiring you constantly from the shadows for the last two years, but he feels much more connected with Spider-Girl who he’s known for only two weeks.

But before we go any further, let’s go back in time a little bit.

As promised, you visited his neighborhood again the next morning after that disastrous date happened, even when you were supposed to attend your classes. You told yourself that you were just going to do a quick patrol to make sure that the little kids were safe on their way to school, but really, you just kept swinging back and forth on the road that led to his house, hoping to catch sight of him picking up a new bundle of newspaper off his porch or something (maybe he’s the kind of guy who only wears sweatpants and nothing more in the morning? Definitely a sight I shouldn’t miss). After doing it three more times like an idiot that you were, you gave up with a sigh. Of course, there was an option where you could just walk up and ring his doorbell but you wouldn’t allow yourself to be that stupid.

It was only your luck that you heard a man’s voice shouting, “Muffin! Muffin, stop, come back!” right before you shot your web and swung away. You recognized the voice in a heartbeat as it was the same one that you kept replaying over and over again in your head until your exhaustion caught up to you and you waned into your dreamland. Turning around to face the owner of the deep, pleasantly raspy voice, you saw a little Siberian Husky running toward you. The puppy was chasing after a hummingbird, her head lifted toward the sky, not paying attention to her surroundings. You managed to catch the dog in your arms a moment before it got hit by a car.

“Like father like daughter, I guess,” you chuckled to yourself, reading the name on the little silver chain the dog wore around her neck. “Muffin? What a weird name.” But then again Eren was weird, so you shouldn’t have been surprised.

Eren, who had been chasing after his puppy, sighed in relief. “Oh, thank God,” he said, taking a few more strides until he stopped right before you. He wiped the fat beads of sweat that were about to roll off his chin with the back of his hand, chest heaving up and down as he tried to catch his breath. “Thank you. You’re literally my savior.”

It took you a few seconds to answer as your thoughts were scattered all over the place. Eren clearly woke up this morning and chose violence because what the fuck is he wearing?

Unlike his usual outfit which consisted of a pair of jeans, a button-down shirt, or a simple tee combined with a jacket or a hoodie, he is now wearing a black wife beater—god bless whoever invented this shirt despite its cursed name—and a pair of gray track pants. You had fantasized of seeing him without a shirt, true, but this damn wife beater didn’t do much at concealing his muscles either so it was basically the same thing. It was somehow even sexier this way, and you realized in horror, that you just became Eren Jaeger’s number one simp.

Oh my God, I need to touch some grass.

Based on his appearance, People would conclude that he was in the middle of his morning run when his dog escaped his leash. But you know that’s not true. Eren was on his way to destroy girls’ hearts and ovaries, that’s what he was doing.

For a guy who threw up a whole plate of burrito down your back, he looked like a fucking Greek God and you hated it. He was already handsome and funny. He did not need to be sexy too. And he did it so effortlessly, which was the most dangerous kind of sexy because this man was not aware of what he was doing to your pus—heart. His body was lean and chiseled, with biceps huge enough to compete with your thighs and shoulders broad enough to fit a whole cast of Teletubbies in his arms. When did he even have the time to work out, you wondered. And it wasn’t fair that he had that face and that body with a personality that was just as charming as how Timothee Chalamet behaved on screen. Thanos and his infinity stones aren’t going to be the cause of my death. It’s Eren Jaeger and his fucking wifebeater, goddamn.

“You okay?” Eren asked, unfastening his hair tie only to redo everything all over again as if it was necessary. You didn't want to sound like the whole world revolved around you but he was definitely re-doing his hair just so he’d have a reason to flex his biceps at you. “You haven’t spoken anything in a while.”

Snap out of it, me! Fortunately for you, the dog was doing a great job at breaking the tension. Muffin was growling at you, baring her little teeth as if your whole presence was a threat to her existence. What are you, jealous?

“Your dog needs to learn some manners,” you said as you returned the now barking puppy to her owner.

“Weird, she’s usually friendly with people,” Eren commented with a frown, re-attaching his leash to her necklace. Once he’d placed the dog back on the pavements, he tossed you a smirk. “She must have sensed evil coming out of you.”

“I’m literally a superheroine.”

“Yeah, but maybe you’re going through your corruption arc right now. What is it? You want to take over the world? Want to convert humanity into your slaves?”

I want to make you my slav— “Oh, shut up.”

You both took a walk at the park, which was conveniently empty at that moment as if God was trying to make this atmosphere between you as romantic as possible to make up for what happened last night. As Muffin ran across the springy turf, chasing ducks near the pond, you laid yourself down on the grass, waiting for your own dog to return.

Eren, not a moment later, showed up with a paper bag being held in one arm. He had bought you his favorite cheeseburger and a can of homemade beer from a brand you’d never heard of. “They don’t sell this anywhere else but here. You’ve got to try it.”

You lifted your mask just enough for your mouth to show and Eren swallowed his breath at the sight. You had pretty lips, he thought in an instant, but there was something else bugging him. They looked… familiar, somehow.

“What?” You asked him, popping open the can.

“N-nothing.”

“Never seen a girl’s lips before?”

Eren didn’t answer, distracting himself by taking a large gulp of his drink. “Fuck me,” he moaned with his head thrown back. “This is literally the best drink in the world.”

You couldn’t believe your stomach just flipped at the sound of him moaning over a can of beer. “Really?” Swallowed by your curiosity, you took a sip.

It tasted like shit.

You and Eren might not have the same preference when it came to beers—because that was literally the worst thing you had ever tasted, my God—but you got along really well in everything else. You loved the same books, enjoyed the same movies, fangirled—fanboyed—over the same Avenger. You could talk to him for hours. And you did talk to him for hours, because the next thing you knew, the sun had risen high in the sky and Eren rose to his feet, swatting the dirt off his pants. “I smell like sweat. I need to take a shower.”

No, please, don’t go. “Ugh, finally,” you groaned dramatically. “I was about to say that I was going to go crazy if I had to stand your smell for another minute.”

He laughed and he laughed so beautifully. You didn’t want to be so corny and say his laughter was like music to my ears, but his laughter really felt like music to your ears.

Eren offered you his hand like a gentleman and for a moment you wondered whether there had been anyone else who did that to you when you were wearing your costume. There was none. Being a superhero meant that you had to act strong all the time, and people never bothered to offer you some help. They only wanted you to help them. Perhaps they thought you never needed one. But Eren never treated you as a superhero, did he? He always treated you like a woman. It was easier to fall for him, to regard him as something more than to keep treating him as a friend.

“When can I see you again?” Eren asked before you parted ways.

“I’ll always be around,” you answered with a nonchalant shrug. Eren could sense the little cheeky grin in your voice when you said, “I’m your friendly neighborhood Spider-Girl after all.”

And you stayed true to your words. You might not always be around to watch over everyone, but when it came to Eren, you would always be there for him. It was very unprofessional of you, but people do stupid things when they’re in love, don’t they?

Every time the town grew quiet, sirens were muted, and children were sleeping peacefully in their rooms, your world would revolve around him and only him. You would find yourself landing on your feet without a sound, just a few meters away from his porch. You’d cut off your web from your wrist, and you’d toss a small pebble to his window—a little signal for him to notice that you were outside, ready to share another late-night adventure with your best friend. Eren would always show up in a matter of seconds, dressed in his favorite hoodie and his signature gleeful grin.

You’d nudge your head, saying let’s go for a walk without moving your lips. Eren would nod, three times more than necessary, and less than a minute later, he would walk out the front door carrying two cans of beer in his hands. You would spend hours just aimlessly walking down an empty street, enjoying the song that the gentle wind sang, your knuckles nearly brushing against each other from how close you were walking. Eren would tell stories about his day, and in return, you would tell yours. Curiosity had always been a part of his nature and although he held himself back at first, once you gave him the green light, Eren stopped hesitating and he asked you a month’s worth of questions in one night. It felt overwhelming at first, but talking to him had always been easy.

“So, you could, like, make your own web fluid in your body?” He asked one night as you both walked along the riverside. “How does that even work?”

“I don’t know, it’s just like breathing to me. It just happens.”

“Does it only come out of your wrists or, umm…” He turned awkward, hands making random movements in the air. “Does it come out of anywhere else?”

“Eew!” You tugged on his earlobe. “Pervert!”

“Ouch! That was a logical question!”

“Only the wrists!”

“Okay, okay, geez,” he chuckled, a puckish grin decorating his affable face. “Have you ever had a web block? I mean, like, have you ever run out of webs?”

You thought about it for a moment. “Once. I think I got too stressed out that day and suddenly the webs just wouldn’t come out.”

“What happened?”

What happened? It was the kind of question that left you stunned, your brain incapable of answering right away. You weren’t used to this, to talk about the things that occurred to you when you wore your costume and embraced your alter ego in front of public eyes. No one had ever asked you things like this before as you never allowed them to get too close. Even if you did, no one ever cared enough for you to know about how you felt. They wanted to know the things you could do, wanted to see how they could benefit themselves from it, but no one ever paid attention beyond that.

It felt nice to share about the things you’d been keeping all bottled up inside, and once you opened the lid, everything just poured out like a broken dam. Eren listened, not just with his ears but his heart too. He tried to see from your perspective, imagining himself in your shoes and trying his best to understand how you felt. He hoped by doing so, he could be your band-aid. If you were burned by guilt, he wanted to be there to give the forgiveness you were searching for. If you were hurting, he wanted to be the salve that heals your wound. And if you needed saving, he wanted to be your hero in return.

You told him about the near-death experience you had during your fight against the Lizard. You talked about the dread you felt—how at that moment, you truly feared death, not because of the pain, but because you wouldn’t be able to see the people that you loved ever again. “And I’m afraid that… people would forget about me,” you confessed sotto voce. “I’m afraid that they would move on and forget that I ever existed. Of course, I don’t want them to mourn after me forever but—”

“I’ll remember you,” Eren cut you off, his words echoed like a promise to your ears. “I’ll remember you forever. Right now, this moment we have right here, and everything that I felt for you since the day we met—I will remember them until I die. I know it’s probably weird for me to say this because we’ve only known each other for a few weeks but… You’ve become an important person in my life. Talking to you like this has been the highlight of my day, and I wouldn’t even be alive in the first place if it wasn’t because of you.”

It wasn’t just his words that lifted your spirit, it was the sincerity behind them. “Yeah, you have a knack for getting into trouble,” you smiled sheepishly. “Well, I guess it’s nice to know that at least someone will remember me after I die.”

Eren’s movements came to a halt and you turned around to face him. “Don’t die,” he solemnly said. “I don’t want you to die.”

Your heart squeezed tightly inside your chest. “That’s one of the risks of being a superhero, Ren.”

“Well, then don’t take it,” he insisted. “Don’t take any risks. If it’s a battle you can’t win, run.”

“Running away doesn’t sound like what a superhero would do.”

“You don’t have to be a hero,” his voice turned louder, piercing through the night. “You don’t have to sacrifice yourself to be one. To me, you’re already more than that.”

You froze, his line sounded familiar but you couldn’t recall who said it. Eren didn’t give you much time to ruminate when he took a stride closer. “Don’t die,” he stated again, only this time, it was gentle, not louder than a whisper. “Make sure that you will always come home. Make sure that you will always come back to me.”

Through your lenses, you could witness the worry in his eyes. He didn’t want to bid his farewell, not now, not ever. Even when you parted ways, he always said, “I’ll see you soon,” instead of “Goodbye.”

You felt the same way but you were inexperienced when it came to showing affection or gratitude, and you weren’t a natural like him. “And what happens if I can’t?”

“Then I will never forgive you.” He puffed out his cheeks like a child. “And we’re not gonna be best friends anymore. Also, I’m gonna tell everyone else you’re a loser and that Peter Parker is actually a lot cooler than you.”

He rewarded you with joy, replacing the turmoil churning inside your chest a moment ago. “Tsk. Top ten anime betrayal.”

“Yes, and that’s why you shouldn’t die.”

“Okay, okay, I’m immortal now. Satisfied?” You tittered, spinning around on your heels and walking away. Eren laughed like he always did, following after you with a little, “I wasn’t joking, though. I meant every word I said.”

And you knew he did.

Another month passed by and your relationship grew even stronger each day. Eren still couldn’t find the courage to approach you in your normal clothes, only brave enough to flash you a smile and nothing more. But once you wore your costume, he felt at home.

“Hey, you know where St. Mark’s theater is, right?” He asked you one day as you shared lunch on a rooftop of an abandoned building.

“Yep,” you answered. “Why?”

“Meet me there.” A gleeful grin graced his lips. “Tonight, at eight. On the rooftop, just like this. I’ll bring some snacks and my laptop. We can talk and watch a movie together. It would be fun. You can just do your web thing and swing by. I’ll take the stairs as usual.”

You refrained yourself from chortling. He really had to emphasize that last line. “What, is this a date?”

His jaw dropped, his flush creeping up from his throat to his ears. “N-no—I wasn’t—that wasn’t my intention at all, I swear!”

“Relax, I was kidding.” And yet, there you were, feeling utterly disappointed by how quickly he diminished the idea. “Fine. I don’t have anything else planned for tonight anyway. We’re watching horror.”

“Or maybe we can just watch Mission Impossible instead?” He offered, grimacing. “I’m not really good with scary movies.”

He's 6' 3′′, has a resting bitch face that looks like he’s ready to eat a baby alive, but he can’t stand scary movies? “Stop saying cute things like that, Jaeger, you make me want to bite your cheeks.”

And so, here you are, on the rooftop of St. Mark’s theater. The clock just strikes ten pm, and Eren has tossed his laptop and his empty bucket of popcorn to the side. Being the perfect gentleman as always, he has a blanket laid out on the ground, careful not to get dirt on your freshly washed costume. He’s even brought you a pillow, which is a bummer because you secretly wish he would offer you his arm instead.

But is it called a date when it’s two friends lying down next to each other on the rooftop of a beautiful historical building, watching the stars and sharing childhood memories? To Eren, it might feel like this is just two friends hanging out, but to you, this is the best date you’ve ever been on.

“So, Spider-Girl,” Eren says as he folds his arms under his head. His viridian eyes look darker than ever, reflecting the light of the stars above. “Tell me about your biggest secret.”

“Like I said, I’m not planning to reveal my identity to you, dumbass.”

“Damn, I was hoping you’d do it. I brought you pillows for your comfort. Isn’t that enough for you to trust me?”

“Nope.” You smack your lips, making the word pop.

“Fine,” he grumbles. “Tell me one of your secrets then.”

“Why do you insist on knowing my secrets?”

“Because it’s fun!” The little whine he produces reminds you that mentally he is a child, even when the muscles in his biceps say otherwise. “Come on, we’ll get to know each other better this way.”

“God, you’re so annoying.” But you never find him annoying. His curiosity and his interest in you revive the feeling of how beautiful a friendship could bloom, even between two strangers. How pure and innocent it is. But with Eren it never feels like you’re talking to a stranger now, does it? It always feels like you’ve known him by heart. Like you’ve done this before, talking to him for hours, laughing together over trivial things. Eren feels like home to you, and you wish he feels the same way about you too.

You realize that he’s never made small talk with you, never asked you questions just to forget your answers in the next few minutes. He always asks because he cares. He asks because learning more about you—even about the most mundane things you do—brings joy to him.

But of course, you don’t want to suddenly lay your heart in the open just like that. You should take your time. Guys like mysterious girls, don’t they? “Fine. Remember when I said I liked that drink you gave me?”

“Yeah?”

“That’s a lie. It tasted like shit.”

Eren gasps, whirling his head to the side so fast that you’re amazed it doesn’t fall off his neck. “You take that back!”

“What—it really did taste like shit!”

“That is the best homemade beer in the world!”

“It tastes like cat’s piss—what is wrong with you?!”

“What is wrong with you?!”

It takes another ten minutes for you to finish arguing but it all ends with friendly giggles. Only after that, do you begin to tell him the things you’ve never told anyone else. You tell him about that one incident in summer camp when you broke your ankle and you had to stay home for the rest of the season. You tell him about Mr. Cuddlesworth—the huge teddy bear you owned when you were a baby, the same one that left you crying for days when your father gave it to your relative on the day you moved out to your dorm without your permission. You tell him about the secret diary you had when you were in middle school, even the things you wrote down inside, like your first crush and the first fight you had with your best friend.

Eren nods his head, saying, “I do that too. That diary thing. I’ve been making video journals for three years now.”

“You have?” It comes as a surprise. You wouldn’t think of him as a guy who would spend an hour of his day talking to himself in front of a camera. “What kind of things do you talk about?”

“Just random things.” He shrugs. “I don’t even know why I’m still doing it, actually.”

“Do you remember why you started?”

“Umm…” He huffs before he draws his bottom lip between his teeth. He seems uncertain for a few seconds, conflicted, and a bit ashamed to admit it out loud. But if you can be honest for his sake, then it’s only fair for him to do the same. “After my mother’s death, my therapist recommended me to do regular journaling to help me deal with my depression and anxiety. He said it would help me get a deeper understanding of my emotions or something. I didn’t believe it at first but when my anxiety kept getting worse, I figured it would be better to try doing this instead of popping up pills. I always find it easier for me to talk instead of pouring my thoughts down on paper, so I thought a video journal would do.”

Another surprise, this one strikes you even harder than before. After that incident with him trying to save a baby from the burning building, you had a hunch that something terrible must have happened to him in the past, and losing a family member was your top guess. You just didn’t think that it was his mother that he lost, nor the fact that he had been spiraling through depression because of it. Eren always seemed so bright around you, so lively, and easily thrilled by even the simplest thing that the world could offer. You wouldn’t have thought he was struggling with depression if he hadn’t told you himself.

A great pang grips your heart. “What happened to your mother?” You ask in a muted voice. “If that’s okay to ask…”

Tears don’t return in his eyes even when the memory resurfaces, but it does turn his gaze hollow as he stares back into the night. “Our apartment building was caught in flames,” he says, and your eyes widen behind your lenses. “We were trapped inside our room. I was eleven at that time, I couldn’t do much. We could hear a firefighter calling us to stay still—that they would get us out as soon as possible. We were suffocating, the smoke was too much and I felt like my lungs were burning. They came for us eventually but Mom couldn’t walk. Her leg was stuck under a pillar when the floor above us collapsed. We tried to get her out of there but the pillar was too heavy to lift. She begged the man to take me out of the building, wanting to make sure that I was safe. She told me everything was going to be okay—that we would only be separated for a while. And I remember I was yelling her name, trying to fight back the officer so I could try and remove the pillar by myself. I was hauled outside the building. Two firefighters went back for her, but the fire had blocked the entrance. It took them a while before they could get her body out of the building. She was no longer breathing by then.”

Your words are strangled in your throat, your heart aching with sympathy. “I’m… I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be, it’s not your fault.” He forces himself to smile as if you were the one who needed consolation. “It could’ve been worse, you know. I could’ve lost my whole family that day, but at least, my father and my brother, who weren’t in the apartment at that time, were saved. I wasn’t alone.”

But he sounds like he is, more than ever now. Your face contorts as you struggle to remain reticent. It hurts you to see how hard he tries to act strong right now, even when you can sense the vortex of emotions he’s feeling inside. There’s sadness and loneliness, but above all, there’s regret. He’s blaming himself for her death. Perhaps he thought the firefighters could’ve saved her sooner if he wasn’t there. Or maybe if he was a bit older, if he was a bit stronger, he could carry his mother on his back and escape the building just in time.

“So, that’s why…” You whisper brokenly. “That’s why you wanted to save the baby.”

Eren chews harder on the corner of his lip. “I just don’t want anyone to experience the things I felt that day. The things I feel right now.”

You want to hug him. You want to tell him that he doesn’t have to do it. That everything that happened wasn’t his fault. That he had nothing to do with his mother’s death. The words are there, you just don’t know how to say them because Eren doesn’t seem like he wants to hear anything at all. He doesn’t ask for forgiveness, nor does he want to be forgiven. He only wants to find a way to forgive himself. And if he can do that by saving someone’s life, then he would gladly sacrifice his own to achieve that.

Eren is more of a hero than you could ever be.

“Sorry,” he says, his awkward chuckles reverberating in the air, loud enough to break the tension. “I just ruined our first date with all this depressing talk, didn’t I?”

You’re grateful that you have your mask on. At least this way, he won’t be able to tell that you have tears brimming in your eyes. “Oh, so this is a date,” you reply, hoping he can’t sense the sorrow in your voice. “You should’ve been honest from the start. I would’ve worn my frilly skirt.”

Eren laughs, a little bit more genuinely this time. “Your turn. I want to know your biggest secret for real this time. Anything except your identity is okay, right? Tell me about your first kiss.”

He’s trying hard to lighten up the mood and you appreciate his effort even though your hands are still itching to pull him into your embrace, comfort him until he lets his walls crumble down, hold him until his tears are dry, and hug him until he can laugh as he did a few minutes ago. “You wanna know about my legendary first kiss?” You dramatically sigh into the air. “Well, it happened at a birthday party. I was thirteen and we were playing Seven Minutes in Heaven.”

“Oh no,” he winces. “Sounds like a bad experience.”

“Well, it depends on how you define it. Is it really a bad experience when you had your first kiss in a closet with a boy who loved to eat his own booger? Is it really that bad if your first kiss started with your teeth knocking against each other and ended up with his tongue slobbering all over your face like a dog?”

Eren turns to face you, the disgust on his face turns into pity. “Dude, I’m so sorry.”

“That kiss could’ve been my villain origin story,” you mutter, and he titters in response. His little giggles stop abruptly, however, when you ask him, “What about you?”

He tenses. “You wanna know about my first kiss?”

“It’s only fair.” You act nonchalant even when your curiosity is gnawing at you from the inside.

“Umm…” His fingers start tapping restlessly against his stomach. “I, uhh… I haven’t had one, actually.”

“WHAT?!” You’re so shocked, you can’t stop yourself from sitting up, shouting the word loud enough for your own ears to ring. Eren, startled like a little kitten, immediately rolls over and pushes himself off the ground.

“W-what?!” He panics, spinning his head around from one side to the other. “Did something happen? Are your spidey senses tingling? Are we in danger right now?!”

This is embarrassing. And it is really your fault for overreacting but how can you not? Eren Jaeger? The resident hot nerd hasn’t had his first kiss? He’s a virgin?! Is everybody fucking blind?! How can they let this man walk on earth for twenty-one years and not tap that magnificent ass?! Not that you’re in the position to say anything since you’ve been stealing glances at him for weeks now and you still haven’t tapped that magnificent ass. Shame on you.

“No, it’s—” you try to come up with a lie. It doesn’t have to make sense, he’s an idiot after all. You just have to make it sound believable. “I thought I just heard someone screaming but… I guess it’s just the wind.”

“Oh…” Eren still has his heart pulsating vehemently inside his chest but it gradually returns to its normal pace. “You scared me a little. I thought it was one of those symbiotes making a comeback.”

“You mean Venom? Nah, he’s besties with Eddie now.”

“Oh, okay, cool.”

Eren returns to the ground, sitting cross-legged beside you while you pull your knees to your chest. You really, really want to ask more about why in the world he hasn't had his first kiss yet, but would it make you sound too curious? Make you sound like you’re interested in him? Not that you aren’t, but still…

“So,” you break the silence, “I think it’s about time for you to reveal your biggest secret.”

“My biggest one?” He chuckles, his taut muscles slowly unwinding now that you’ve both stepped back into the comforting, friendly atmosphere you were in. “Okay, ask away.”

“Tell me about your crush.” Please let it be me, please let it be me, please let it be me. “Is there someone you like?” If he doesn’t say my name, I will literally choke myself to death with my web.

Eren dawdles, contemplating if it’s wise for him to be completely honest, but then again, if there’s anyone in the world that he feels comfortable enough to reveal his love life to, it would be you. It’s not like you go to his campus, right? You’re a superhero. There’s no way you could balance between going to college and saving the world at the same time, or so he thought. Hell, for all he knows, maybe you’re a forty-year-old lady looking for things to do aside from writing smutty fanfictions all day.

He takes a deep breath and it feels like he’s taking the air out of your lungs. You wait with bated breath, heart pumping so loudly you can barely hear anything else.

But you heard him.

You heard him say your name.

And you feel like you’ve unearthed a greater joy than anything you’ve ever known. It might sound like an exaggeration knowing how you’ve only been friends with him for two weeks but… You had wished for it. You wanted to hear his lips form your name.

“Oh.” Pretending like his answer didn’t just tug on your heartstrings is harder than lying to your mom about the two hours long make-out session you had with your ex Porco Galliard on her couch. “That’s a pretty name. Who is she?”

“The most beautiful girl in the world probably,” he says with a dreamy sigh, eyes glimmering with wonder. There you go again, your heart banging against your rib cages. “We go to the same university but we have different majors. She’s one of the most popular girls. Definitely way out of my league.”

“That’s not true!” You correct him, making him flinch in surprise with the sudden shriek. Damn, I need to chill down a little. “I mean,” you clear your throat, adding more bass to your voice. “That’s not true,” you repeat, much calmer this time. “I think you’re okay for a guy. Decent.” What the hell am I even saying, oh my God.

He chuckles. “Yeah, well she deserves better than decent. She deserves the best.”

I don’t need the best. I need you. “Have you ever talked to her?”

“Once. Only because she caught me taking pictures of her in secret. I must have looked so pathetic.”

You smile at the memory. He was so cute back then. “Eew, gross, what a pervert.”

“It wasn’t like that,” he whines again, jutting out his lower lip. “Look, I’m desperate, okay? I’m too scared to talk to her.”

“Scared? You literally jumped inside a burning building to save lives and you’re scared of talking to a girl?”

“She’s not just a girl, she’s…” He makes a steeple of his fingers on his lap. “She’s the one.”

Your stomach flips. “You’re in love with her?”

He blushes, ears painted red. “Y-yeah. I think I do.”

Shit. It’s like sunshine just floods your soul, your feet barely touching the ground. Shit, shit, shit. “Sounds serious.”

“Well, yeah, I mean I’ve—” He blows out his cheeks. “I’ve been thinking about her non-stop for what feels like forever now. Literally all I talked about in my video journals these days is about her. I have her pictures on my phone, like… thousands of them. She took a selfie one time using my camera and I’ve been using it as my wallpaper ever since on every device I own.”

Oh my God, that is so cute. A little creepy too, but… cute. “That’s embarrassing.”

“Ugh, I know,” he admits in shame, hugging his knees to his chest and burying half of his face behind them. “I hate myself for this but I can’t help it. She’s so pretty, you know? I could just stare at her face for hours.”

“Please don’t tell me you had one hand inside your pants as you looked at her pictures.”

He turns quiet. He actually says nothing for the first two seconds and that’s two seconds too long. “No,” he mumbles, very unconvincingly.

And when you say, “You’re absolutely disgusting,” you really meant your words, but at the same time, you can’t help but feel… flattered.

“What—I’m a man!” He tries to reason as if that were an acceptable excuse. “Us boys have needs, okay? It only happened one time, I swear.” You haven’t even said anything and he’s already turning even more frantic by the second. “Fuck, please don’t tell her I said that. I’m literally going to kill myself if she finds out about this.”

Well, it’s not gonna be your fault that you find out. He’s telling everything on his own. “I don’t even know her,” you mutter flatly, even though you’re having the hardest time trying not to laugh. This whole situation is ridiculous.

“Oh, you’re gonna love her.” As if you just flip a switch, the panic in his eyes is replaced with the admiration he holds for you. “Everyone loves her. She’s the most wonderful thing. She’s like… She’s like the first snow you see on Christmas. Like a shot of espresso. She’s so energetic and enthusiastic; charming and cute. She’s like sunshine walking on earth. She’s everything that’s good in the world.”

Being on the other side of a confession is one thing, but hearing the man you like spouting words about you like he’s reading love poetry is truly something else. “A-ah, I see.” Your stutter almost gives you away but Eren is too busy being a lovesick puppy to care. “How can you be so sure, though? I mean, you barely talk to her, right? What if it turns out she’s toxic? Like, she gets jealous a lot, super possessive, talks shit about your family, and so on.”

You’re not sure why you are trying to beat some sense into him when God is literally doing you a favor, but a part of you wants to make sure that he loves you not just because of your looks or the persona he assumes you have. What if this is just an obsession? A harmless crush going too far? What if he’s just trying to convince himself that he’s in love with you just because he likes the idea of being in love? Hell, what does he know about love anyway? He hasn’t even had his first kiss.

Worry starts to rise quickly inside your chest as you wait for his answer.

“I don’t think she’s that kind of person,” he says.

“Trust me. People aren’t always as nice as they look. There’s evil inside all of us.”

He turns to you, an eyebrow raised in question. “Well, shit, that got dark real quick. What happened? Someone hurt you?”

“N-no.” You grow flustered. “I’m just saying that you sound a bit naive to me.”

“Is that a bad thing?” Eren folds his arms and lays them above his knees, using them as a pillow for him to rest his cheek before he casts a tender smile at you. “Armin often scolds me for that too. I’m gullible. I trust people so easily. And you’re right, maybe I am naive, but what is so wrong with that? What is so wrong with trying to see the best in people? Trying to see the best the world could offer?”

“You’re weirdly optimistic.”

“You’re just too pessimistic.”

You exchange stares and his grin grows a little wider until a peal of laughter escapes your mouth. “You would’ve made a great hero,” you convey the words you’ve been wanting to say. “A much better hero than me. Too bad that tarantula wasn’t a radioactive one. Could’ve made a great Tarantula Boy.”

“Tarantula Man,” he corrects you, amused. “I think you’re amazing too. I know Spider-Man is more popular, but I’ve always been a fan of Spider-Girl.”

Out of all the things you heard him say tonight, this one paints fire to your cheeks. “Shut up. You’re lying.”

“I’m not.” Hearing you snort, Eren reaches to his side, snatching his camera from his backpack. Once he’s done switching it on and tapping his thumb against the same button relentlessly, he offers the camera to you. “Here. Look at this.”

You retrieve it from him, bringing it onto your lap as you rake your eyes from one image to another. He has taken photos of you. No, not you. Spider-Girl. These are snapshots of you in action. There are more than twenty pictures of you swinging from one building to another above him. There’s a photo of you talking to a police officer as you tried to help them fight a robbery that was on the news. He has a few pictures of you high-fiving the little kids too, doing backflips and striking poses for their adventurous eyes to admire.

“Wow, stalker much?” You scoff when, really, you want to thank him for making you feel appreciated, maybe even reward him with a light kiss on his cheek.

“Like I said, I’m a fan,” he says, his gentle smile turning into an elfin grin. “I don’t think I’ve said this before but I really like your suit. It’s very creative of you to add the hoodie. Hoodies are kinda my thing too.”

“Gross.” Your finger stops tapping against the button when a picture of you shows up—the real version of you. That shirt and that skirt—it was the outfit you wore three days ago. You were laughing in the parking lot with Historia, talking about the lousy date the blonde girl had with a senior from the music department. You look much more beautiful in his photos. Maybe it’s because of the lighting, the way the sunset made your skin glow. Or maybe it’s the angle he used, capturing your best profile as he knows you better than you know yourself. Do you always look like this in his eyes? “Is this her?”

“Umm…” He brings a hand to the back of his head, scratching his nape as he averts his gaze. “Yeah…” Eren returns to the previous position he was in, curling himself into a ball, resting his cheek against his arm as he steals a peek at you. Not a moment later, a tiny adoring smile blooms on his face, scrutinizing you from the side.

“What?”

“I wonder what you look like underneath that costume,” he says, his gaze softening, almost as if he was admiring you from afar.

You turn timorous, his stare makes you feel self-conscious—naked, even when you’re covered in spandex from head to toe. “I don’t resemble your crush in the slightest, that’s for sure.”

“Actually, I was about to say the opposite.” His reply startles you, and when you take a glimpse of his face to see his expression, you can’t look away, trapped under his gaze just as much as you are trapped under his spell. “I think you’re similar to her in a way. I can tell that you smile a lot under that mask.” His voice is as delicate as the way his lips curve up in a beautiful smile. “Whenever I say something that interests you, there’s this little change in your voice that I can tell you’re either smiling or holding back your giggles. I think that’s really cute.”

His voice echoes through the labyrinth of your mind and you wish it can stay there forever. The words he said sound like it’s the sweetest compliment you’ve ever heard. How can he tell? Have you always been that transparent?

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You’re panicking but at least you didn’t stutter your words. You keep yourself busy by punching the buttons on his camera. It doesn’t help make you feel less jittery and embarrassed when more photos of you are displayed one by one on the screen. “Dude, how many pictures of her do you have in here? This is endless! My thumb’s about to fall off.”

With his blush blossoming fervently on his cheeks, he snatches the camera away from your hands. “I know, I’m disgusting,” he mumbles under his breath.

“You’re a little bit perverted, but I won’t say you’re disgusting.” Your heart still beats fast. “So, you like her face, huh?”

“Yes, but it’s not… just that,” he professes quietly. “She’s beautiful—very beautiful—but it’s not her beauty that attracts me, it’s… She looks like this girl I knew when I was young.”

You thought nothing could erase the intense flare of joy inside you, but the second the words this girl departed from his mouth, you feel your heart drop to your stomach. “What, like…” Calm down now, it’s probably not as bad as you think. “Like your first love or something?”

“Probably…” He pauses for a second, ruminating. “Yeah, I guess she was. She looks like my first love.”

This is all your fault. If you hadn’t allowed yourself to be too happy, you wouldn’t have felt like you just got slapped across the face. Sadness and disappointment pulse through your veins but you keep your lips pressed tight.

“There was this girl I met when I was young,” Eren says, probably realizing the heavy silence that suddenly stretches between you and thinking that elaborating further about his first love would be great to ease the tension. It’s not. You wish for him to stop but you don’t want to be so transparent. Left with no other choice, you can only listen.

“I was diagnosed with a severe respiratory infection when I was nine,” he begins. “I remember my mom told me that during the first week I was hospitalized, I couldn’t even breathe without a ventilator. It took almost a month for my lungs to recover. Mom and Dad had to work twice as hard to pay the hospital bills since we didn’t have that much money to begin with. Dad ran a small clinic in town, but he didn’t get as many patients as he used to. Mom decided to help out, and she took a double shift at a restaurant, working day and night to meet our ends. My brother Zeke was still in seventh grade, and he had to stay with our grandparents for a month because my parents could never stay home for long.

“Mom and Dad always tried to spend some time with me at the hospital but I remember how they always looked so exhausted. Mom always tried to smile but she could barely keep her eyes open. Dad was always on the phone, trying to borrow money from our relatives or friends. I didn’t understand at that time. I only felt lonely, only wished my parents could be there for me. But I understand it now, and every time I think about it, all I feel is guilt. It was all because of me.”

“It wasn’t because of you,” you can’t stop yourself from speaking out your thoughts. “You’re their son. It’s only natural for them to do everything they could to make sure you were okay. It wasn’t like you wanted to be sick. Stop beating yourself up.”

Eren watches you with unblinking eyes before he melts into another smile, bumping his shoulder against yours in a playful manner. “Thanks. It’s so like you to yell at me at times like this.”

“I just don’t like it when you get all emo on me. It doesn’t suit you.” Because Eren only deserves to have a smile on his face and endless joy in his heart. “What happened then?”

“Well, Mom always swang by the hospital right after she was finished with her shift. I was already sleeping by then but I remember there was this one time when I woke up in the middle of the night, and I found her sitting on a chair next to my bed. She was holding my hand, too tired to keep herself awake that she didn’t budge even when I called out to her. It was enough, though.” His face is set in resigned sad lines but he keeps the smile on his lips intact, filled with longing. “To know that she was there was enough for me. She would leave early in the morning before I was awake. And I would spend the entire day alone in my bed, watching Cartoon Network on TV, and eating the food the nurses gave me.”

Even if you had closed your eyes, you could still sense the feeling of solitude that shrouded him back then only by the sound of his voice. “You must have been so lonely.”

“I was for a while,” he admits. “But then there was this little girl that came to my room one day. She was the daughter of my pediatrician. She brought her with her because she was about my age and she thought we would get along. But we didn’t, not at first. I was too weak to say hello and she was too shy to say anything at all. She kept hiding behind her mother’s coat the whole time she was there. After she was finished with my check-up, they both left the room, and I thought that was it. I felt sad. I would’ve loved to have a friend. Even if I couldn’t speak much, I wish she had stayed. I hated being alone. It felt scary.

“But not half an hour later, she came back to my room. Alone this time. She brought these two books in her arms, and without a word, she closed the door behind her, dragged the nearest chair closer to my bed, and sat there, just staring at me. At first, I thought she was glaring. Her gaze was so intense. Then she lifted her books in the air, one on each hand and she asked me, ‘Which one do you want to read?’ I was surprised but I didn’t say a word. The first one was a story about a pirate, and another one had a picture of Wonder Woman holding her lasso on the cover. I chose one with the pirate, pointing my finger at the book. If she hadn’t been glaring at me then, she was definitely glaring at me now,” Eren chortles lightly. “She shook her head and said, ‘Try again.’ So I chose Wonder Woman this time and she giggled, ‘Nice choice. I think we can be friends.’ She was as annoying as she was adorable.

“And so she read it to me. I could tell she liked the story a lot ‘cause she looked ten times more alive when she read it. I asked her, ‘Do you want to be a superhero when you’re older?’ Right after she heard my question, her shoulders slumped forward and she answered, ‘No. Mommy wants me to be a doctor.’ She looked sad.

“She came by every day after that, bringing more Wonder Woman books to read, or puzzles and toy trains. We played together in my room. She always sat on the edge of my bed, her feet dangling in the air. She was so talkative that I could barely keep up. My mind was still processing what she said and she already moved on to another topic. She was very smart, very cheerful. And there was never a time when she failed to put a smile on my face.

“On the day I was discharged from the hospital, she gave me the pirate book we’d never gotten the chance to read. She said, ‘I wanted to read it to you but I guess we ran out of time. So here, you can have it. Maybe you can read it to me this time.’ And so I asked my mom if I could stay a few minutes longer with her and she said yes. Then we sat on a bench in the small park behind the hospital and I read it to her.

“It was the first time I read a storybook to someone and I was so shy about it. I kept stammering, fumbling with my words. She protested a few times, saying that I was too boring and that I should be more theatrical about it. I laughed, and I remember I laughed so hard when I saw her pouting but once I stopped laughing, I cried. And I cried so much because I knew. It was probably going to be the last time I was able to see her. But I didn’t tell her that. I recall the way she panicked when I cried, and she rubbed her little hand against my back, trying to soothe me down. I thanked her for being my friend, and for the joy she gave me. And I told her that it was okay if she couldn’t become a superhero like Wonder Woman because to me, she was already more than that. She was my hero. My only one.” His voice quiets down into a whisper. “She was my first love.”

The night wind blows a little too hard, dancing on his cheeks and peeling a few baby hairs out of his bun. Eren, sniffling once, takes off his jacket and drapes it over your shoulders. “When I saw her on my first day on campus, twelve years after I said goodbye to that little girl,” he continues on with the story, not giving you a chance to decline his kindness. He assures you with a smile, silently telling you that he doesn’t need his jacket even though it’s clear that he’s freezing from the way the tip of his nose is turning red. “I was stunned. She looked exactly like how I envisioned she would look all grown up. Her appearance might change, but it’s the way she smiles that remains the same. The way she laughs, and these little gestures she makes when she speaks, especially when she gets too excited about something. She’s…” He sighs, rubbing a hand over his face in hope that he could stop his cheeks from burning. “She’s the girl of my dreams. I know it’s wrong for me to like her just because she reminds me of my first love, but that’s how it is. Then I started watching her more and more and I felt like… I think I’m falling for her too. And I wish one day I can be closer to her so I can truly love her for who she is. No, I want to love her—the real version of her. Does it make sense?”

It’s only when he ends his sentence with a question that Eren realizes you haven’t been speaking in a while. The silence sits still and he looks to his side, watching you closely. He feels blind as you stay immobile, can’t figure out your thoughts without your lips forming a word. He’s about to reach out and ask how you feel when you suddenly stand up.

“I have to go,” you say, offering back his jacket in one hand. “I can hear the siren. They need me.”

Eren can’t hear anything but the wind whispering in his ears but he returns to his feet as well. “Oh, umm… Okay,” he says, standing awkwardly with his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Did I say something wrong? He wonders, but he cuts himself short when he sees you pivoting on your heels, making your way to the edge of the rooftop. “W-wait!”

You stop, standing on the railing. The city spreads before your eyes, lights flickering like diamonds under the sun.

Just watching you stand in that position already makes his stomach crawl in fear, and Eren is careful enough to stop himself before he can get too close to the edge. “When can I see you again?” He asks, and you can detect the uncertainty in his voice, perhaps even fear. He must have thought he’d done something wrong, that he somehow offended you with his words.

But that’s not it. That’s not it at all.

You curse under your breath, hating yourself for being such a terrible actress that he ends up getting the wrong idea. You whirl around, balancing your weight on one foot for a second as if it’s the easiest thing to do even when you’re seventy feet above the ground. “Ask her out on a date,” you tell him in the most casual tone you can manage. “That girl you like. Go and ask her out.”

Eren swallows, a bit baffled by the sudden change in your attitude, or topic. “Umm… Why are you—”

“Because you will never find out if you don’t try. Do you want to stay forever like this? Just watching her from afar?”

He clenches his fist, chewing on the inside of his cheek before he meekly answers, “No…”

“Then ask her out.”

“B-but what if she says—”

“She won’t,” you confirm, not even waiting for him to finish his line. “I promise you she’ll say yes.”

His heart begins to palpitate. “How can you be so sure?”

“Because anyone would be crazy to reject you, Eren.” The sound of his name escaping your lip makes his stomach somersault. “You’re an amazing man. Have more faith in yourself.”

Never did he ever think he would get a pep talk from Spider-Girl about his love life, but then again, the last few days have been surreal. “Okay…”

“Promise me you’ll ask her out tomorrow, or I swear to God, I’ll never see you again.”

“What?!” He panics, blood flooding his head. “But I–I can’t just—Why would you—”

“Just do it.”

Eren stands still, taking a few seconds to himself before he finally releases a shaky breath. “Fine. I promise.”

“Good.” And without another word, you leap from the edge, diving into the air and shooting your web to elevate yourself right before your body meets the earth.

Eren doesn’t know this, but you’re on cloud nine right now. It’s not solely because he promised you that he’d ask you out tomorrow. And it’s not because you’re aware of how much he likes you, or that the feeling’s mutual. It’s because you are his first love. That girl he saw in the hospital—that was you. You can’t believe that you haven’t noticed him until now.

So that’s why he seemed familiar. That’s why you always feel nostalgic when he perceives you with those green eyes. They belong to the same boy you shared your laughter with twelve years ago. Rennie, you used to call him, a pet name that you created—a secret that belongs to you and him and no one else.

He’s the same boy. The one that made you realize how amazing it felt when you could make someone happy. That gratifying feeling that spreads warmth and joy to your every nerve. He was the one who made you feel like you were worth more than you gave yourself credit for.

Gaining a superpower doesn’t mean you have to do good things for humanity. Your past enemies are prime examples of how power can be a curse instead of a gift. And you were ready to give up on your dreams. You were ready to forget the superhero books you read to him. You were ready to accept the future your parents had set for you, to save lives by becoming a doctor instead of dressing yourself up in spandex and putting your life on the line every night. But this feels right, and it’s all because of him. That day when you were bitten, when you turned the first time, he was in your thoughts. You recalled the way he cried and the way he thanked you for being his hero and you thought… I want to feel that kind of joy again. I want to be a hero that can bring smiles to people’s faces.

Eren was your friend, then he became your inspiration and your source of motivation. But twelve years have passed, and now you have other things that motivate you; other heroes that inspired you to do greater things for society. But even so, there is one thing that remains the same. One fact that cannot be changed even if eternity has passed by. And that is the fact that Eren Jaeger was your first love. And tomorrow…

You smile.

I can’t wait to see him tomorrow.

***

Next Chapter

Super massive thanks to Sandra, Ben, Coi and Nissa for beta-reading this chapter for me. I love you guys to the moon and back ❤️

Tagging:

@l6ffys @vivi-et @halparkebitch @fwess @littlemochi @thebeardedmoon @didiyogo @coyloves @erenbean @tehehebri @justasketch @infnteen @naiomiwinchester @spiderlingh @doyochii @ahornyenby @aengelren @sakurashell @princess-jaeger @resonancesoul @blrqt @cacapeepee @persyhange @jaegersdiary @erentoes @trashgremlin36 @meed18 @j0livi0ni @snowflake-201 @jaymihawk @eva-gates @claudevonstrukesblog @sofijaeger @rinsie @blanccofiie @ereninbunu @natanialora @khinjito @ackersune @watermelon-online @tropicsoda @damselofblueroses @alexackrman @bblgumz @jurrasicpork @erenjaegercult @holycandypizza thank you so much for reading, lovelies! ❤️❤️❤️

[softkuea]

The "Theo is so evil and manipulative" narrative makes no sense to me, i'm sorry. Honestly? It's the worst take i have seen so far, maybe people can't fully understand his side or something, but to me, Theo being enchanté is both brilliant and tragic in a way. It was extremely impactful, even knowing that was the case, because it says a lot about the state of mind he was in: we have a person that loves to read and indulge himself in fantasies. Then, life happens, his grandma died and his world shattered to pieces. When you are grieving your emotions all are over the place, you feel isolated and depressed, this can lead to being in denial, feeling angry... And how do you cope with that? Theo went back to Thailand, meet Akk, the only person he had such a strong connection with after his grandma and found a safe haven. Akk becames everything for him, psychological speaking, Theo wanting Akk's care and attention its pretty normal considering his vulnerable situation. Theo also is an artistic soul, an hopeless romantic i would say, he loves fantasies, it's a part of his personality, therefore, making a whole fake persona to express himself it's something that just fits with the narrative and his psychological profile. Theo gets too caught up in his own world: he continues the enchanté thing for this same reason. At first it was just a silly idea, things escalated FAST, but because it was too late to back off... And his curiosity was on peak, he kept going: Theo going with the flow of everything it's a rational choice. Every individual has ways to deal with the world around them, some of them, however, can be disruptive, but there's no wrong o right way.

I mean, think about it: you experienced a traumatic event, wouldn't be fun to indulge yourself in a dream-like situation that protects you from the pain, not even only that, but a situation that can even give you answers about someone you deeply love (Akk)?

I don't know If I explain myself, but enchanté was a coping mechanism since the beginning and this is tragic because trust me, i been there, i know cases of people like this, and Theo was sort of lucky at the end, not everyone gets out of that mental state. Akk was always there to put Theo's feet in the earth, he was there to hear him, to support him and I think that was what made Theo realizes that it was enough and he went to far. I'm glad he had someone by his side because he really needed it.

Was the plan stupid? Maybe, but that doesn't make this process less tragic and realistic. Theo is not perfect person, this is why i love his character, there's too many layers and so much sadness hiding behind him. You think it was unhealthy? I think that was actually the point, nobody thinks Theo did something good, he did what he thought was okay at the moment and yeah, that was a mistake, but to me that just show how human he is. I'm sorry but I can't see "an awful person", just someone that was hurting, did something dumb and realized it later.

[astradrifting]

This is kind of inspired by this recent ask I sent to @esther-dot about Jon’s characterisation and Jonsa shippers’ apparent disregard for it, because it made me think of another part of Jon’s characterisation that is really integral to who he is. Mainly, that Jon really loves his brothers. Especially Robb. His rival and best friend and constant companion. Jon envies him, competes with him, buried a formative traumatic memory where he was deeply hurt by him... but ultimately loves him. Complex relationships with his brothers, both the Starks and his Night’s Watch brothers, are a running theme in Jon’s chapters.

Speaking of Jon’s brothers...

Aegon VI and Robb have a lot of potential parallels, actually. The “Young” moniker, red-haired counselors who are also their parents, trained to be the heir to a great kingdom from a young age, the barely younger half-brother Jon borne of their father’s dishonour of their mother… one that they might both have a good relationship with despite that?

The show tried to play with Jon ‘accepting’ his Targaryen lineage through the jonerice romance, very unconvincingly because it was simultaneously undermining it at every opportunity, in what was maybe a half-assed attempt at Pol!Jon (”They’ll all come to see you for what you are” isn’t anything but a threat in all contexts).

Jon will ultimately choose the Starks over everything else, that’s not really a question. But if Jon were to genuinely connect with another Targaryen, it’d likely be easier for him to find kinship with a half-brother than with an aunt - he has a basis for positive relationships with trueborn half-brothers, while the only aunt figure he’s ever known about is a) long dead and b) actually his mother. I think it’d both make more sense and be more compelling for GRRM to leverage Jon’s existing complex relationships with brotherhood by having him interact with and build a relationship with Aegon, than a rushed and out-of-character romance with Dany. 

Jon also is already primed to believe that Aegon is the real deal, that he was saved as a baby, because he’s already done the exact same thing himself - he swapped out a baby of royal blood who was in danger for a common-born boy, and then sent him halfway across the world for safety (side note: if Septa Lemore is Ashara, and if the baby was actually Ashara’s son as theorised here by @agentrouka-blog, that would just strengthen the parallel, because it would be his body double’s mother caring for him, as Gilly has to do for Mance’s son).

They’re definitely going to come into conflict first - politically, Jon will likely be in a position of power in the North by the time they meet, maybe as the KitN through Robb’s will or regent for Rickon, and probably will fight for Northern independence, while Aegon is fighting to be king of the Seven Kingdoms, not 6. Personally, it will be hard to get past the fact that Jon is the direct result of Rhaegar dishonouring Elia, plus that the Kingsguard who should have been protecting her were all stationed in Dorne, guarding Jon’s mother (in whatever capacity). But these interactions, a conflict and eventual friendship/brotherhood between them, would all be a lot more layered than jonerice can really offer. If a relationship between Jon and Dany was truly all that GRRM has been building up to, then there would have been no need for R+L=J - it adds nothing to that storyline, it doesn’t even make it a forbidden romance, because aunt-nephew is hardly the worst incest the Targaryens have engaged in.

It’s almost inevitable that Da*nerys is going to kill Aegon VI/Young Griff in the books, likely by burning him with dragonfire, in the Second Dance of the Dragons. The weird Dragonpit meeting in the show was very contrived, but it does make sense for Dany to meet the ruler on the Iron Throne at least once in a semi-peaceful context. In the show, she used her dragons only to intimidate Cersei, but she didn’t have a personal grievance with her. Aegon is in much more danger during such a meeting. After all she will think he is a pretender, and she doesn’t much care for the rules of safe conduct, as she showed to the envoys from Yunkai.

Dany shrugged, and said, "Dracarys."

The dragons answered. Rhaegal hissed and smoked, Viserion snapped, and Drogon spat swirling red-black flame. It touched the drape of Grazdan's tokar, and the silk caught in half a heartbeat. 

[...]

"You swore I should have safe conduct!" the Yunkish envoy wailed.

"Do all the Yunkai'i whine so over a singed tokar? I shall buy you a new one... if you deliver up your slaves within three days. Elsewise, Drogon shall give you a warmer kiss." She wrinkled her nose. "You've soiled yourself. Take your gold and go, and see that the Wise Masters hear my message."

(ASOS, Dany IV)

"Ah, there is the thorn in the bower, my queen," said Hizdahr zo Loraq. "Sad to say, Yunkai has no faith in your promises. They keep plucking the same string on the harp, about some envoy that your dragons set on fire."

"Only his tokar was burned," said Dany scornfully.

(ADWD, Dany VI)

So Dany will burn the Blackfyre pretender, and everyone will be happy and cheer to see the rightful queen, the last Targaryen, Slayer of Lies, Breaker of Chains, Insert-The-Million-Other-Titles-Here. Right?

Except how would she prove that he’s an imposter? She can’t exactly roll up with an Alt Shift X video pointing out that Illyrio has said some weird things about Aegon. Is Varys going to have an attack of remorse and explain his whole plot, complete with Blackfyre family tree? Or maybe she’ll explain that she went on a vision quest in Qarth and Aegon totally matches up with the vague symbolism that a bunch of drugged up warlocks told her before she set them on fire?

I don’t think it’s going to matter if Aegon is fake or not, and we might never find out either way. The mystery of his identity isn’t his main narrative, and all of his significance to the story and to multiple other characters is removed if he’s proved to not be Aegon VI. Him being proved fake would just make this plotline a weird, unnecessary digression on Dany’s journey to being the righteous and true queen, his death just another #girlboss moment for her. That’s definitely going to be her perception of it, but once she reaches Westeros we won’t have to rely on only her POV of her actions. History is written by the winners, and no one’s going to miss that it’s a lot more convenient for Dany if the boy with a stronger claim than her turns out to have been fake all along. Arianne and the Dornish are definitely not going to take it lying down, and neither is Jon. He’s not going to fall in love with the woman who murdered his brother, especially by burning him alive. ADWD has plenty to say about how much he hates death by fire.

“Men say that freezing to death is almost peaceful. Fire, though … do you see the candle, Gilly?”

She looked at the flame. “Yes.”

“Touch it. Put your hand over the flame.”

Her big brown eyes grew bigger still. She did not move.

“Do it.” Kill the boy. “Now.”

Trembling, the girl reached out her hand, held it well above the flickering candle flame.

“Down. Let it kiss you.”

Gilly lowered her hand. An inch. Another. When the flame licked her flesh, she snatched her hand back and began to sob.

“Fire is a cruel way to die. Dalla died to give this child life, but you have nourished him, cherished him. You saved your own boy from the ice. Now save hers from the fire.”

(ADWD, Jon II)

Funnily enough, the same fire as a kiss imagery from Dany burning the envoy’s tokar appeared there too, also used as a threat. 

If he is not a kinslayer, he is the next best thing. [...] What sort of man can stand by idly and watch his own brother being burned alive?

(ADWD, Jon IX)

So Aegon’s death is not going to be a triumphant victory for Dany, after which everyone proclaims her the true queen. It’s likely to just solidify opposition to her, from every corner of Westeros. If it happens during a summit or negotiation, it’d be even more of a tragic parallel to Robb and the Red Wedding; the young king murdered off of the battlefield, at an event where he was promised safe conduct. Featuring Dany in the role of Roose Bolton and Tywin Lannister. Tywin’s already died a very undignified death, and Roose Bolton looks to be on his way too.

I think the tragedy of Aegon’s death would also hit harder if we see it through Jon, as a main POV, or at least the aftermath of it. Jon was integral at the Dragonpit meeting after all, and probably would be at a peace summit or negotiation between the leaders of Westeros and the invading force.

In ASOS, there’s a curious lack of Jon’s reaction to Robb’s death. We see his initial reaction to Bran and Rickon’s supposed deaths when he gets back to Castle Black, but he doesn’t even know about Robb’s death until Stannis arrives to defeat the wildlings, and we’re not shown the moment he’s told about it. He barely even thinks about it, not even a mention until he meets with Stannis on top of the Wall:

“Your brother was the rightful Lord of Winterfell. If he had stayed home and done his duty, instead of crowning himself and riding off to conquer the riverlands, he might be alive today. Be that as it may. You are not Robb, no more than I am Robert.”

The harsh words had blown away whatever sympathy Jon might have had for Stannis. “I loved my brother,” he said.

(ASOS, Jon XI)

And that’s literally all we get that is specifically about Robb’s death - the rest of Jon’s chapters, his guilt and grief is about the loss of all his siblings, and the idea of stealing Winterfell from them. It doesn’t really make sense for him to not think about it at all, considering how close they were. This reminds me of how he has a non-reaction to Sansa’s marriage to Tyrion as well, as talked about in this post by @agentrouka-blog. Part of this could be Jon’s tendency towards denial and suppression of all his feelings, but it also points to GRRM explicitly obscuring his reaction - perhaps because he’s going to explore it in the wake of another brother dying a very similar death? One that this time he’ll be there to witness?

[condorclaw]

The different ways the DSMP characters reacted to Tommy’s return and what they dealt with in his absence

I've been thinking about today's stream (shock of the fucking century), and mmm let's just take a moment to highlight how interesting the reunions are between Tommy and the others (Sam, Jack, Tubbo, etc.) by looking at their reactions and how they felt when they heard about Tommy's death. (Note: I have not watched Ranboo or Jack's streams that take place after this one. This is only detailing the information that occurred in Tommy's stream.)

Tommy’s death impacted a lot of people, with them going through many different stages of grief and coming to a realization of their own in terms of how they viewed Tommy or the server in general. His death was sudden and gruesome, with Sam being the only one to witness the evidence, ending up leaving quite a few skeptical if he really did die.

Tommy was resurrected by Dream, and now has to deal with the reality that life was moving on, which he wanted to follow. He wanted to go back to the way how everybody treated him, but him returning is essentially a zombie to everybody else. There were many different reactions to this.

SAM

"H-How are you here...?"

Reaction: Upon hearing Tommy was still alive, Sam was frantic in getting him out, and after Tommy left the cell, Sam remained in shock, even as Tommy yelled at him. Despite not understanding what happened, Sam was willing to try and make Tommy as comfortable as possible, even putting away his sword upon Tommy's request. He remained soft-spoken throughout the process of getting Tommy out, allowing Tommy to yell and vent his heart out, even if the words were reminding Sam of his failure.

Before Tommy was found alive: Sam was the one probably most affected by Tommy's death. He was in an awful state of depression, causing his words to be softer and his actions were less calculated. Sam deeply blamed himself for Tommy's death, telling Ranboo about the extent it affected him, even implying that he would kill the one who set off the TNT, since it's what caused him to take precautions in the first place. San revealed he was tormented by Dream to both Ranboo and Foolish, with Dream laughing at Sam upon him finding Tommy's body, and demanding Sam to come into the cell so he could kill him too. Sam blamed himself for Hannah's corruption, thinking of himself as a coward for not going into the egg room due to his trauma.

TUBBO

"You're not real."

Reaction: Tubbo didn't see Tommy approach at first, since he was busy with his hotel. When Tommy startled him however, Tubbo backed away as fast as his could, breathing heavily as he tried to get his words out. Tubbo asked Tommy to pinch him to prove he was real, which Tommy did. As Tommy talks to Tubbo about what happened and how he's feeling, Tubbo tries to retain as much information as he can through the shock that Tommy was alive after another fatal incident. When Tommy asks if Tubbo can leave him alone as he processes things, Tubbo agrees to do so, but tries to secretly follow Tommy around, needing to make sure he's real.

Before Tommy was found alive: Tubbo had originally been in denial upon hearing Tommy was dead, being rather familiar with Tommy's previous assumed death. He continued to work on his hotel with Ranboo, his new husband that he got engaged to when Tommy was in prison, even adopting a son, Michael, with Ranboo. Aside from working on the hotel and spending time with Ranboo, Tubbo made it his mission to discover who planted the TNT, his denial beginning to fade as he accepted the loss of Tommy. He began to look for every possible solution, even going as far as to suspect things that are entirely unrelated to the cause. He built a memorial for Tommy outside Snowchester, building a bench, placing a jukebox, and making a prime log in his memory.

JACK

"Bigger elephant in the room, why are you alive!?"

Reaction: Jack had been working at his own hotel when Tommy came to see him. The shock from Jack was immediate, insisting that Tommy was still dead, and stating that he grieved for Tommy, so he can't be gone. He becomes so caught up in his rage, he reveals to Tommy that he had been trying to kill Tommy for months. Jack states that he went to hell, but becomes furious when Tommy fails to acknowledge it, and just brushes it off. He insists that he did everything better than Tommy ever could, and declares that he deserves to die.

Before Tommy was found alive: Jack was initially happy upon Tommy's death, declaring that he had won the fight against him. As time stretched on though, Jack began to lament over his and Tommy's shared history, realizing that Tommy was his closest friend on the sever, and that he had been angry due to believing that Tommy valued the discs above everything else. He decided to let go of his anger, and wanted to start all over again. With this mindset, he burned down his old house, and was the one who told several of the server members about Tommy's death, including Quackity and Ant.

CONNOR

"I just got this house, like, two days ago."

Reaction: When Tommy entered his house, Connor was scared, seeing Tommy as a ghost and hitting him, which triggered Tommy. Realizing that Tommy was alive, Connor asked if this meant he had to move back into Ninja's house, and showed Tommy his diary, with the third page sharing that he missed Tommy. Because Connor was the only one treating him like he always had, Tommy told Connor about how touch triggered him. He tells Connor about what happened, which allows Connor to express his feelings of wanting to improve the prison system. He patiently listens to Tommy talk, not asking Tommy about what happened after Tommy shares his discomfort in talking about it. Before the two separate, Connor says they can talk about the system when Tommy's feeling better.

Before Tommy was found alive (note: I haven't watched the stream yet, so I'll be describing past moments from their relationship): Connor has always had an interesting relationship with Tommy, the two being on rather neutral terms with some sort of understanding between them. Connor and Tommy had conflict at the beginning, but there was care shown between them. Even after Tommy and Technoblade kidnapped and traumatized him, Connor expressed that he didn't feel like Tommy was bad, just conflicted. He was one of the few adults who didn't believe that Tommy should be punished for things he couldn't control. Despite their bickering and occasional frustration towards each other, Connor does see Tommy as just a kid who got caught up in something, and Tommy does care about Connor as a friend.

RANBOO

"You're, uh... You're here! Wow! That's, uh, that's cool."

Reaction: Upon Ranboo and Tommy seeing each other, they both stared in silence at first, even when Tubbo went to slightly hide behind Ranboo. Ranboo tried to initiate casual conversation with Tommy while trying to process his return, asking Tommy how he's been. The conversation would occasionally get interrupted as Tubbo tried to make little advances towards Ranboo, making him amused. Ranboo tried to ask Tommy about how he was alive, and tells Tommy how he learned about his death through Sam. Tommy expressed his discomfort, frustratedly asking Ranboo if Tubbo was now his new best friend. Ranboo tried to give Tommy an allium flower, but Tommy immediately burned it out of frustration, stunning Ranboo a bit. Tommy leaves after saying he's uncomfortable, leaving Ranboo behind as Tubbo continues on to follow Tommy.

Before Tommy was found alive: Tommy's death affected Ranboo greatly, making him question the morality of everybody around him, leading him to lash out at Sam for allowing Tommy to go anywhere near Dream, and making Ranboo believe that people were only sad about Tommy because he was dead. Ranboo especially reflected on his first meeting with Tommy, thinking about how he threw away the allium flower Ranboo had given him. Later he realized that Tommy had never thrown it away, and understands that Tommy did actually care about him. Ranboo thinks of himself as responsible for Tommy's exile, and has to juggle with these thoughts alongside keeping his new alliance from discovering his secret husband and son. Ranboo became very protective of Tubbo and Michael, helping Tubbo deal with his grief and conveying that Michael was the only constant happiness he has in his life.

QUACKITY

"T-Tommy! Welcome back, Tommy!"

Reaction: When Tommy approached him, Quackity had stepped back, believing that it was somebody else in a Tommy costume, and calling them horrible for wearing it. After he sees Tubbo watching Tommy closely, reality starts to settle in, and after Tommy talks about a specific experience he had with Quackity, Quackity becomes overjoyed at his return, telling Tommy about his business plan and becomes excited that Tommy will be able to see it. Quackity also asks about the revival book, which Tommy uncomfortably tells him about, recounting memories from his death. He says goodbye to Quackity after that, but before he leaves, Quackity gives Tommy a fish, joking that he "found Nemo". Before he leaves, he says the two should catch up sometime, and dashes away happily, with his last words being: "what the fuck, that green son of a b-".

Before Tommy was found alive: Quackity hadn't been seen much around the server, his last big interaction being with Jack when he learned about Tommy's death. Upon hearing that he died, Quackity tried to hide his feelings, insisting that the business came first, despite how sorrowful he sounded. Before that, Quackity had been a very positive figure in Tommy's life, willing to defend him against Dream's unfair rules and harsh actions. He had visited Tommy in exile, even becoming worried for his mental health at specific points. Quackity cares a lot for Tommy, and though he won't outright state it, he has a strong connection with him.

CONCLUSION

Everybody on the server has had different interactions with Tommy, and were all affected in different ways when he died. Upon him leaving the prison and turning up alive, they all had different reactions to his return, each relating to their own character and what they experienced while he was away. They all showed different kinds of headspaces, ranging from overjoyed to furious, and Tommy had his own thoughts on each of them as well.

TLDR: Everybody's interactions with Tommy made sense with their characters' histories with him, and all express different kinds of thoughts and reactions that people can go through.

Now let's get all these fuckers some therapy, let's fucking goooooo.

[tartagilicious]

[CN] Lucien’s Birthday Date 2020 (eng translation)

💌 this is coupled with a rumours and secrets that I’ll publish in the next day or so! they’re connected, but context is not extremely necessary to understand the date.

— 

Today is Lucien’s birthday. But what’s different from the days in the past is that today is a more special day. In the morning, he’ll report on the topics that he has studied for many years. On the projection screen, a series of large characters detailing, “Monthly Injured Patient’s Cognitive Change of Different Emotions and Intervention Measures for Emotion Recognition After Injury.” are displayed.

I sat quietly in the back of the lecture hall, watching Lucien walk into the lecture hall. After getting to know Lucien, I know that he’s always been studying many things himself. Although I don’t quite understand his subject, through the whispers of the audience, I know that this is one of the major issues that have been valued by the brain science community, and has yet to be resolved.

Lucien stood in a formal suit on the stage, and looked down around the seating area. He stopped for a few moments while looking in the direction I was, then walked to the podium.

Lucien: About twenty years ago, Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), the cognition of a traumatic lunatic injury, was a topic that was of not much concern to anyone. Usually people think that this is a treatment experience, or the baggage is caused by the patient’s own psychological changes.

Lucien: In a 2012 study, it is estimated that 54-60 million people worldwide suffer from TBI each year. 2.2-3.6 million people suffer from moderate to severe damage each year. In recent years, with the advancement of science and technology, we have been able to monitor the changes in various physical data of patients with brain injury by using high-end equipment.

Lucien: We found that emotional changes are cognitions in traditional psychology. It may be caused by physiological changes in the patient’s brain itself. Therefore, along this line of thinking, I conducted an in-depth research plan on the mechanism of emotional cognitive changes in TBI patients to determine the principle of change.

Lucien: Based on the guidance of the research results, intervention measures for post-injury emotion recognition for TBI patients was also formulated.

Lucien dropped each word calmly and carefully with his speech. The report on the screen is displayed neatly page by page. Most of the people below the venue’s stage were quiet, and except for the sound of rustling pages.

Lucien: People with TBI may also experience their anxiety increasing after living with TBI. After TBI, anxiety may aggravate other cognitive dysfunctions. For example, the ability to recognise emotions. Compared with positive emotions, it is more difficult for people with TBI to recognise negative emotions such as anger, fear, and sadness.

Lucien: Next, I will introduce the data based on a group of 25 participants.

In the lecture hall, scholars and researchers from all over the world are witnessing this together. How many years of research did it take to get to this moment?

I was in the last row of the lecture hall, so i secretly photographed Lucien and inserted it into our commemorative album,

It was noon when Lucien left the research venue. I left the building early and waited at the door, carrying a box of cake and a bouquet of flowers. When seeing him, I solemnly handed over the bouquet.

MC: Professor Xu, that’s hard work.

Lucien glanced at the cake box in my hand. His eyes fell on my calm face and his eyes squinted thoughtfully before taking the bouquet.

Lucien: Are you planning to “surprise” me with this year’s gift?

MC: This bouquet of flowers is for Professor Xu’s hard work, not a birthday gift.

I smiled and raised the box of cake in my hand, and sincerely looked directly at Lucien.

MC: But sometimes, the surprise isn’t so foreseeable, and is more unexpected and magical. Anyways, every time I make a small move, you’ll guess at the end. So, it’s better to go the other way to be more generous. I hope this year’s birthday, everything will start with you.

Lucien: So… I can do anything today?

The voice is a little low in the autumn breeze, like a fallen leaf kissing the water’s surface. Meeting his gaze, I nodded happily.

MC: Today is the third birthday I’ll be able to celebrate with you, and is the day when your years of research has temporarily come to an end. On such a special day, your mood is the most important!

MC: I want to accompany you to do all of the things you want to do, instead of letting you meet my expectations. In order to deal with various different situations, I made sure to make a special heat preservation and storage for the cake.

Lucien: If i want to do many things, will it be a big trouble?

MC: It’s your birthday today, it’s principle to accept the wants of others freely.

Lucien: So what if there are a lot of things and we can’t finish them today?

MC: Then we’ll do them tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, the day after that tomorrow, and continue until we finish. Anyway, I have a lot of time. So you don’t have to think too much, you can just do whatever you want.

Lucien slowly blinked after hearing my answer. He lowered my eyes, not knowing what he was thinking.

A few days before the report, Lucien was more silent than usual. I didn’t have much work, so I just stayed quietly by his side.

The autumn leaves rustled. Lucien raised his hand to straighten my hair tossed by the wind and then touched his forehead to mine.

Lucien: That…. Are you capable of being unhappy?

A few words slipped quietly into my ears, making me a bit stunned. Lucien’s expression is still very pale. The corners of his raised mouth kept a fixed arc, and his eyes are brightened by the autumn light as they look straight at me.

I couldn’t help but take a breath. The cool greenery smells like flowers June, filling my whole heart and swelling my lungs.

MC: Of course I am.

Lucien breathed after hearing my answer, his mouth opening for a moment.

MC: Although I hope that on your birthday, you will be happy. But if you aren’t happy, I’ll be unhappy with you. I will be with you. I;ll spend all the unhappy times with you, so we can wait for the moment when happiness comes together.

“Happy Birthday” should be a blessing, not a shackle.

Lucien smiled. The bright autumn colours covered his eyes. It was just like the moment he explained on stage just minutes ago. I shook the cake box.

MC: So, where does Professor Xu want to spend this special day?

He raised his head and looked deeply into the distance.

Lucien: I thought of a place, but it’s a little far away. Would you like to go with me?

MC: Of course!

After a few hours’ drive, we came to an old street. Although it’s old, it seems like it’s constantly being repaired and refurbished. I visited this same place once when I was very young, and today’s scene is completely different from my vague memory.

People have soft memories of the old city always renovating every stone tile. Everything that had originally been put up is slowly being watered down. Until one day, quietly at the time, Lucien’s memory had always been good, but this time it seems to be slightly slow.

He would stop at a certain street corner and glance indifferently; he would also look around at the fork quietly, as if the choice was not in his memory.

I followed him quietly down the paved road. We climbed the ramp and went around for a long time. After a few confirmations, Lucien finally stopped. In front of us is a silent and empty space.

I secretly peeked at Lucien and found that his expression was still clear. It’s like looking into the distance without seeing anything in front of you. Across this open space, his eyes are vacant.

I retracted my eyes, also staring at the clearing in front of us. I feel faintly that I can guess where this place is.

Lucien: ___, let’s go sit there for a while.

Lucien pointed to a bench facing the clearing. I took his hand and sat there with him. The midday afternoon in late autumn was a bit cold, and the whole world was so quiet that the only sounds were our breathing, the exhaled white mist whirling in the air and disappearing silently.

I looked at the clearing, imagining what it once looked like. Maybe it used to hold a small bungalow in the old days, or it may have been a courtyard.

Lucien: There used to be a small bungalow here, do you know what it was like?

Lucien’s voice suddenly sounded. I was stunned, and momentarily even wondered if my imagination had a distinct sound to him.

MC: I saw that kind of house when I was a kid, but I can’t remember exactly.

Lucien: The bricks of the house were a little mottled white, and the roof was covered with red tiles. Because it’s on the hillside, they often blow away. On special occasions, a row of small blue and white flags would be hung on the leaves. When the leaves blew, it looked beautiful when sitting in the courtyard.

Following Lucien’s description, I closed my eyes while imagining the open space.

I felt Lucien holding my hand, and he wound our fingers together, holding them as close as possible. I was about to open my eyes when Lucien’s voice continued.

Lucien: Open the gate outside, you can walk into the yard.

MC: Will there be flowers in the yard? Lucien: Yes, there is a row of small flower beds on the left, but the owner is always busy, they often forget to water them. So, they don’t look too healthy. The door is in front of you. When you open it, there’ll be an occasional squeaking sound.

I nodded subconsciously, feeling as if I had really walked through the small yard and opened the door. Some stale air was opened along with it, welcoming the return of a long-lost gentle memory.

MC: What about after opening the door? There is an ordinary entryway. Where does ___ want to go?

MC: (you can choose between left, right, forward, and upstairs) I want to go right.

Lucien: On the right is the living room. Although it’s called the living room, there are actually bookshelves everywhere.

MC: Is there no study?

Lucien: In fact, it’s because the study can’t fit those books that the living room has filled up a bit. In the centre is a very soft sofa. In autumn, sunlight will shine through the floor-to-ceiling windows to the sofa.

Lucien: There is a set of very expensive speakers on the opposite side of the sofa. It was specially bought by the little boy’s father for the purpose of listening to classical music.

MC: It must be very comfortable to listen to music while reading a book on the sofa.

Lucien: Actually… the most comfortable place is the rocking chair by the french windows.

I felt a familiar temperature on my left side pushing slightly into me. Lucien seemed to have adjusted his posture to be leaning onto my shoulder.

Lucien: To the little boy in this house, the rocking chair at that time was just the right size for him. When he was tired from reading, he could turn over and sleep with a book. When the weather is good, the rocking chair will be gently moved by the wind.

I seem to be standing in the living room wrapped by bookshelves, and staring at the floor-to-ceiling windows. There was a small child, hugging the book in his hand tightly, and curled up in a slightly swaying rocking chair, sleeping in the brilliant autumn light.  

Maybe it’s just an ordinary dream, like his peaceful daily life, gentle and precious.

We returned to the hallway again.

Lucien: There is an ordinary entrance, where does ___ want to go?

MC: (given the same options, left, right, forward, and upstairs) I want to see the upstairs.

Lucien: There will be a staircase through the living room. When you step on the board, it will creak. Immediately after going upstairs, you will see a small living room.

MC: Is it also full of bookshelves?

Lucien smiled, soft laughter in my ears.

Lucien: Unfortunately, you’ve guessed correctly. Maybe I’ve remembered it wrongly, but this seems like not a place to live in, and rather a bookstore. But the little boy’s parents should distinguish between functions -- after all, it is a little closer to the study.

Lucien: If you are tired of reading books in the study, you can just walk out and continue in this small living room.

MC: And when you’re tired of reading in this small living room?

Lucien: Go down to the large living room and have a look.

I was amused by his banter. The whole house seems to be full of books at every corner, accompanying the people in this house to explore the ends of the world.

MC: What’s on the second floor?

Lucien: On the left side of the small living room, there is a long corridor. The first door is a large bedroom, and at the end, there is a room on each side. On the right is the study, which contains more materials, and the books placed highly are all professional books.

Lucien: At that time the little boy couldn’t even read the words on it. A large English-Chinese dictionary and English-English dictionary are placed next to each other.

MC: You must understand it now, right?

I said this with emotion, and Lucien on my side was a little silent. He seemed to be remembering something again, and slowly opened his mouth.

Lucien: I should have understood it when I was around sixteen or seventeen.

MC: ….

MC: Let’s leave this room that doesn’t belong to me.

The low laughter clung to me, making me almost want to open my eyes and tell him to respect the natural gap between people. But I thought about how there was one last room left, so I finally took a deep breath and decided to ignore the constant laughter.

MC: What about the room on the left?

Lucien: That’s the little boy’s room.

Following Lucien’s words, he steadily let me open the last door.

MC: Does this room also have a lot of books?

Lucien: No. There are no books in the little boy’s room. His parents don’t want him to read all the time, so they don’t let him bring books there.

MC: There was really no books?

Lucien: Actually, there are two books under the pillow.

When Lucien said this, I couldn’t help laughing.

Lucien: Here is a very small and ordinary bedroom, with a bed, wardrobe, and a little desk...

MC: Wait a minute, there is no book, what does the little boy do at the desk?

Lucien: He plays puzzle games.

MC: Huh?

Lucien: For example,  Kong Ming chess, chess, element matching card games…

MC: That doesn’t sound like a puzzle for children…

I couldn’t help but smile, and I got a deep laugh from Lucien.

MC: But.. it really seems to be an ordinary child’s bedroom.

Lucien: Because the special place lies elsewhere.

This time Lucien held my hand and stood up.

Lucien: Don’t open your eyes.

While Lucien said this, he pulled me forward into a walking pace.

Lucien: In the little boy’s house, there is a balcony.

The brilliant autumn light sides through my eyelids and hits my retina, shining slightly in the closed world. I felt as if I was really under Lucien’s lead. I closed my eyes and walked slowly across the bedroom, going to the balcony.

Lucien stopped and leaned into me from me.

Lucien: ___, open your eyes.

The gentle autumn breeze rolled up the golden osmanthus in the sky. At that moment, Lucien and I seemed to be standing on the balcony of the old house, fluttering colourful flags that fly happily in the wind. The mountains and flowers in front of me lay behind clouds shifting in the wind.

Lucien: The balcony of the boy’s room is the best place to see the scenery around here. There will be fireflies in the mountains on spring nights, like the secrets of the mountains. In the summer, the streets are always lively. The elderly will play chess on the side of the road, the children will play nearby, and they will also run to the observation deck on the mountain to see the fireworks.

Lucien: In autumn, when it rains, the sound of rain hitting the wood is very comfortable. The whale world is drenched by the splashing rain, and everything is in mist. It rarely snows in the winter, but there are very small snowflakes. He often imagined the whole mountain covered by heavy snow.

Lucien: The little boy’s father told him that the world is big, and there are many secrets in the world. You will meet them, and you will like them.

I open my eyes and stand in the middle of the open space, looking at the mountains. The mountains in front of us were nothing but empty silence. The golden osmanthus swayed slightly in the wind.

When we arrived at the viewing platform on the mountain, the sun had quietly descended.

Lucien: Sorry, I let you be with me all of today.

MC: If you can do more foolish things like today, I’ll be happier.

Lucien smiled lightly and took my hand, sitting in the long seat of the pavilion. The street lamps on the road up and down the mountain had begun to turn on, looking like small candles at first glance.

The same small handmade cake was finally put on the stone slab after a whole day of rushing. Looking at this cake, I thought of the old house in Lucien’s memory, and the little boy lying on the balcony looking into the distance.

MC: Lucien, how do you feel about yourself when you were a kid?

Lucien: Why did you ask so?

MC: Just suddenly curious.

Lucien was silent for a moment, but I didn’t look up at him, instead keeping my eyes on the decorated cake in his hand.

Lucien: So, what does ___ think about herself when she was a kid?

I raised my head and pursed my lips, looking at the blurry lights in the distant city.

MC: I miss her. She is clumsy. Also very reckless. She just did what seemed great at the time. Looking at the words she once said, I’m embarrassed and unable to look back on them without laughing at her.

MC: But, she was so sincere and brave. She made me the person I am now, and I am very grateful to her. I just don’t know if I’ve become the kind of person she imagined… if so, even enough.

Lucien: Yes. You must be the kind of person she wanted to be.

Lucien put his hand in his lap and looked at the dim lights with me.

Lucien: If I could see myself when I was child, I actually don’t know how I would feel. There were so many things that he didn’t understand at the time, so much he thought would have a specific answer. Including happiness, sadness, fear… and love.

Lucien’s voice is calm. It’s not so much talking about himself as a child, rather, he seemed to have pulled him away to simply evaluate an individual.

Lucien: He is very far away.

MC: No, you’re too harsh on him.

Lucien: What?

MC: “People are good at different things” Just like some people can’t understand science, his weaknesses are placed in a more special space. He may only understand those things more slowly, more deeply, and better in the future. And it is precisely that kind of person that gradually became the Lucien in front of me.

I light a candle. Against the light, Lucien’s face was extremely soft.

MC: Happy birthday, Lucien. Lucien has been working hard this year! If you were too far away when you were a child, just look at this year as your one-year-old self.

Lucien heard me say this, seemingly as if he hadn’t expected it. He looked at me with interest.

Lucien: Why do you say so?

MC: I think “birthdays” always cut life into different stages.

There is a new toy at 7 years old. I want to fall in love when I’m 15 years old, and want to take a good university entrance exam at the age of 18. Looking for a job at 22, and owning a house at 30…

“Birthday” seems to be an invisible reminder. You will look back on this day as a new person, and realise you’ve entered a new stage.

MC: Starting with a little Lucien, Lucien at every age is connected together to become the person he is now. This “year old” Lucien has used the academic report to mark the new year perfectly. He’s full of curiosity about the world and is still on the road to discovering the truth.

MC: He was a little nasty, always showing me questionable sides of things and teasing me… but such a Lucien is very good. I hope that future you can do what you want to do and become the person that you want to be.

MC: You don’t have to be happy all the time, but i hope that you can think of me first when you’re unhappy. Let me be with you always.

There are tiny petals of the golden osmanthus in the wind, like flowery waves reflected in the candlelight. Lucien’s eyes are shining brightly, filled with the night sky and autumn leaves.

Lucien: I will.

He did not say thank you as usual, but solemnly and sincerely left a promise, or even an oath.

Lucien: I’ve thought about my wish for this year.

Under the small candlelight, Lucien lowered his head, slowly raised his hand and wrapped his left fist in his right palm before looking straight at it. After a long time, he raised his head.

MC: Seems to me like you have a lot of wishes this year?

Lucien: I’m not only making a wish. There are also some words that I want to tell them.

Lucien looked at me. He didn’t explain who “they” were, just as he hadn’t explained the owner of the house. He knew I would know. Probably in this aspect, Lucien is actually very clumsy. And it’s this clumsiness that lets him become so real and complete.

MC: By the way, this is this year’s birthday present.

I took out the souvenir book from my bag that I had restored after a long time. It lies with a small wooden box with grids drawn over the lid, every part of it covered with stickers by me.

Lucien: It turns out that you’ve hidden a lot of things in your backpack.

MC: Maybe. This is our souvenir book this year. This year is also very thick.

Lucien slowly turned over the thick album. Summer camp in Yuelao Temple, Lucien’s home,the orphanage, in the classroom, the amusement park, the farm, the oil painting hall.

We have so many new memories.

MC: This is a previously out of print book. Although my craftsmanship isn’t very good, I did my best!

Lucien: you’ve worked hard, ___.

MC: This is the “Blind box project”!

I solemnly took out the small wooden box and started introducing it to Lucien.

MC: There’s a total of 60 grids. When you’re unhappy, just pick a grid to open. There may be gifts in it, a sentence, or a picture. The only requirement is that you must summon ___ to complete it with you.

Lucien: 365 days, and only 60 grids? (bahsdhj mood)

MC: Mr. Xu, 60 days of unhappiness is a lot. I hope you won’t open them all so quickly.

I went to stare at him a little furiously, but found his smiling eyes.

MC: You teased me again!

Lucien: ___, thank you.

The sky gradually darkened. The lights of the city slowly lit up under the mountain like a touch of gentle blessing. Maybe for anyone, the world was monochromatic at the beginning. With time and encounters, let it slowly be stained with colour, and give different people and things their own value.

Slowly, the whole world became colourful. It worked with memory, with smell and sound. After the most special existence appears, the colours of this world will be more distinctive. It’s like refreshing an entire picture, so that everything has a new meaning.

While we quietly shared the cake, I looked at Lucien’s face lit gently by the warm lights.

MC: Lucien, you’re now in colour.

Lucien froze for a moment, then smiled meaningfully. He ate the last bit of cake and finally sat next to me. It is rare that he carries such a sweet fragrance on his body, and even the breath that comes close is sweet.

Lucien: ___, to me, you are more than colour.

[fishoutofcamelot]

I'd like to preface this by saying that I love your blog and all the analysis that you've done on various characters, scenes and ships. You are one of my online heroes. I'm not sure if you're still doing the ship asks, but if you are, what are your thoughts on frelin?

Dude tysm! I’m not sure ��online hero’ is a great way to describe someone who once made a post comparing dragonlords to furries, but I’ll take the compliment nonetheless!! Your kind words have given me enough dopamine to last until my next paycheck <3

Freylin is a decent ship - conceptually. They're two kindred spirits who found solace and intimacy with each other, drawn together by their mutual sense of otherness (possessing magic). However, I think Freylin does fall into some obvious trappings of Insta-Love, Heteronormativity, and Not Giving Female Love Interests Any Discernible Personality Traits.

For some people, that's not a problem. They like watching Merlin and Freya be cute and sappy with each other, and I'll agree that it was a treat to see such a fun side of Merlin. If that's the kinda ship you like, then great! Ship away. But personally, Freylin makes me feel bad for Freya. 

Not because of the death thing - lord knows I've done far worse to beloved characters without even a hint of remorse. But I feel bad for her because of her role in the ship. As mentioned above, her main purpose in the narrative and in Merlin's life is to give him some angst, then come back later in season 3 to give him some helpful advice as a sort of Freya Ex Machina. Her personality has no depth beyond what was necessary for the story. And even in fanon interpretations of her, she's essentially just a more shy/introverted carbon-copy of Gwen. 

And, okay, as a writer I can admit that there are some characters who don't need a lot of depth. Some characters are plot devices, and that's okay. Freya only appears in like two episodes, so under normal circumstances I'd begrudge that level of shallow characterization. But the rules are different for characters who have a close emotional connection with the MC, especially love interests - even episodic dalliances like Freya! 

Take Balinor, Will, and Daegal, for example. They were all important to Merlin, and all had distinct personalities. Balinor is cantankerous and reclusive. Will is pragmatic and confrontational. Daegal is earnest and youthfully naive. And we as the audience liked them too, because they felt like actual people, even though their main purpose in the story is mainly to serve Merlin's arc. They are, fundamentally, plot devices, but they don’t feel like plot devices because of how organically they’ve been written. 

Freya is a harder sell, because she doesn't have as much of a personality with which to endear us. I'm not saying we need to know Freya's favourite colour and her fondest childhood memory, nor do we need to witness her go through a seasons-long character arc. Not every background character needs their personality painstakingly detailed, least of all background characters. If well-written main characters are chicago deep-dish pizzas, then well-written background characters are hot pockets - easy to make, easy to love, easy to remember. Characters like Gilli and Elena and the love of my life Sophia are good hot pockets. But Freya as she currently is, she's not even that. She's like if we were told there was a hot pocket in the microwave, only to open it up and find it's just a lump of half-melted cheese. 

And it's sad, because Freya had the potential to be interesting. She could've had a distinct personality that made us fall in love with her right alongside Merlin - which would have made her death even more painful for both the characters and the audience alike. But even if you don't give her a personality, at the very least let her fulfill her purpose of furthering Merlin's character arc instead of just making him sad for a few minutes. 

While I'm by no means an expert writer, here's how I would've taken a crack at having Freya’s impact on Merlin's arc. 

So Merlin sees Freya again, but she's not some helpful water spirit. She's emotional and volatile and vengeful and deeply, profoundly traumatized by the nature of her death. And maybe it's his job to finally lay her soul to rest once and for all.

She gets upset at Merlin. She cries and shouts and weeps about her death, about the pain and injustice of it. How could he continue protecting her killer? How could he befriend the man who literally murdered her? Freya didn't want to die, she didn't want to be a monster, she didn't want to be alone (cue implications that she has been trapped inside the lake all this time, maddened by isolation). She just wanted to be left in peace. To be loved. Merlin naturally defends Arthur, saying that he is destined to be a good king, destined to free magic and bring about the golden age of Albion. But she insists that destiny must be wrong, because what has Arthur done for the magic community besides perpetuate his father's company line? He killed her, killed several others like her, and even to this day he condones the oppression of their people - what makes him think a man like that could ever change, could ever set them free? And even if he does, why should any of them be expected to forgive him for his war crimes? 

She tells him that deep down, Merlin knows this. Deep down, Merlin fears Arthur just as much as the rest of them. If he truly believed in Arthur's inherent goodness, in his destiny, then Merlin would not have kept his magic hidden for so long. 

Thus sparks a seed of doubt in Merlin's mind, and scenes like Morgana's speech in Tears Of Uther Pendragon Part 2, Arthur's drive to destroy the dragon egg in Aithusa, Kara's execution in Drawing in the Dark, and the confession in Herald of a New Age would only cause that seed to grow. 

Not only is this a natural and logical progression of his character, but it would also be compelling to see Merlin's unwavering loyalty to Arthur do exactly that - waver. It grants depth to his character, empathizes us to his cause and the cause of his people, and lets us see Merlin in a unique perspective. It also puts a new light on Arthur's actions, foreshadowing an eventual moment of reckoning where Arthur will have to face the consequences of his harmful rhetoric - thereby creating a subtle layer of tension as we wait for that moment to finally arrive. And there's yet another layer of tension that arises from Merlin's repressed yet growing doubts: will he finally admit that Arthur isn't the shining saviour Kilgharrah had promised he'd be? Will he snap like Freya did? Will he and Arthur drift apart? And if they do, what will bring them back together, if such a thing is even possible? How will they make amends? How will Arthur learn from his mistakes and earn back Merlin’s trust?

I could go on and on about how this would impact the story as a whole, but I'm not here to talk about my rewrite ideas. I'm here to talk about Freylin.

At the end of the day, while it's a good ship, Freya doesn't have much personality, which affects their overall chemistry, and I don't think they have enough going on between them to be an endgame pairing. My personal opinion is that Freya has less narrative potential as a romantic partner, and more narrative potential as a supplementary background character whose closeness to Merlin combined with her own trauma forces him to develop and grow in certain ways. She's less of a Gwen (long-standing love interest), and more of a Balinor (one-off character with emotional importance), and that's perfectly fine. But because of her lack of personality and overall narrative relevance, I have a hard time believing or shipping Freylin beyond the scope of her debut episode.

Thanks for the ask! <3

[agentrouka-blog]

How do you think Jon & Sansa's relationship play out in the books ? Will it be platonic or there could be some restricted or worse 1 sided romantic feelings ?

I’m pretty vocal about being a jonsa, I think, so I don’t think it will surprise you that I think there will be a romantic angle to their relationship. 

I mean, really, where can he go with them? Enemies? Both are comitted to Winterfell, and miss their family and childhood. They think fondly of each other and have similar values. There is no basis for meaningful enmity unless one of them turns villainous out of nowhere. Highly unlikely. I’m not saying there won’t be conflict, but if it’s supposed to be meaningful, it’s not set up for much drama. “They were not very close siblings and now they clash over their differences. Shocking.”

Happy platonic sibling-friends? Jon already has that dynamic with Arya and Bran. While it would be sweet to see these two finally interact and get along as siblings, too, there’s not much added to the story by it. “Oh, it turns out, they don’t hate each other, like the text already suggested. Surprise.” If they had set up age-old hate between them, and their traumatic journeys have rendered that null, maybe. But GRRM specifically has not set it up that way.

Romance? That’d make a lot of things click. The weight of romance and songs in Sansa’s arc requires a character of some weight to carry it, if it’s supposed to have a meaning beyond either a hasty treat or a cynical denial. Jon’s own longing for home and family and children is so deeply connected to Winterfell and the Starks that it also feels a lot more satisfying to see those themes connected to Sansa all tied together, rather than narrowing connection and conflict between them to one of rulership and sibling affection, especially when the latter doesn’t carry near the same weight as his connection to Arya and Bran. 

Basically, if the conflict was supposed to be Stark Family v. Dany Romance, you wouldn’t need Sansa. He could have kept a blend between Arya and Sansa in one character. As far as family dynamics go, two Stark sisters work brilliantly in connection to each other, but become redundant in terms of Jon - unless their relationships are very different. And if romance was never going to be part of it, then GRRM has wasted five books drenching Sansa’s chapters in a reflection of the concept. A romantic connection between Jon and Sansa mirrors the Lannisters and the Tully-Petyr mess, pays off some loose ends, creates new tension in the existing sibling dynamics and ties up Sansa and Jon’s mirroring dreams. Plus, the pay-off for RLJ. Plus all the foreshadowing.

I certainly don’t think it would be one-sided. They both fit each other’s romantic profile too well. And by that I don’t mean “Jon has a thing for redheads” but the things they value, like softness, attention, protective honor, and gallant heroics. 

Considering there was no five-year-gap, I don’t think we will see some kind of fully-fleshed out adult relationship between them to rival the broiling complexity of Jaime and Cersei. I think it’s likely to be very reflective of the romantic songs associated with Sansa. Florian and Jonquil, Aemon and Naerys, Jenny and Duncan. I think there will be drama and angst surrounding the fact that unlike less responsible characters, they will take the struggle between personal desires and political responsibilities very seriously. Plus communication issues.

Considering it’s only two books to go, it’ll probably be a not-so-slow burn, private anguish, unspoken words, moments of drama, promises made and broken, perceived betrayal, sad-song-level broken hearts and resignation (think Swanlake or The Little Mermaid) that will seem to end in a well of sadness, but will find its happy ending in a very satisfying twist. 

Something that I am absolutely befuddled by is how GRRM will handle the whole child foreshadowing. Lyanna, Dany, Gilly, Robb’s prevented heir, Roslyn Frey, Sansa’s plentiful child references… The lack of the five-year-gap again makes that an extremely wonky proposition. Sansa is like thirteen-and-a-half right now. Even if GRRM is very scrupulous about the passage of time, Sansa won’t exactly be very grown-up even by the ending. And GRRM has been unsubtle about the dangers of childbirth: Lyanna, Elia, Lysa, Dalla, Dany, Minisa, etc. Dany marrying at 13, Lyanna being abducted at 15 and dying at 16 weren’t supposed to be happy scenarios.

I’m a bit concerned about how important Stark progeny will be to the plot, and whether it will make GRRM go down murky paths. 

Something like this is making me narrow my eyes a little in concern and suspicion: 

A few of the oldest gowns had been made for young Lysa Tully of Riverrun, however, and others Gretchel had been able to alter to fit Alayne, who was almost as long of leg at three-and-ten as her aunt had been at twenty. (...) 

And at Winterfell, Sansa was a little girl with auburn hair. My daughter is a maiden tall and fair, and her hair is chestnut." (AFFC, Alayne I)

If GRRM somehow decided to move things beyond emotionally romantic, he’d have to be extremely careful not to drift off into something creepy and irresponsible. Romeo and Juliet had the age constellation of Jon and Sansa, but that doesn’t mean it was great that they got married and shared a bed that young. Even if GRRM allows time to pass. 

So I think unless a child is somehow relevant to the plot, they may well never be physically together on the page beyond age appropriate kissing. 

Which would be perfectly fine by me.

[mrs-nate-humphrey]

I’ve never personally been a fan of Derena after s1, but reading your posts made me sympathize a bit. I totally agree that them just being friends would be so nice. I hated the whole Serena pining after Dan in s5, it honestly felt like she only wanted him cause he didn’t want her. What do you make of Serena during the dair arc?

hi!! finally i have been re-united with my laptop and i can get to this ask! ngl, i was so excited to see it in my inbox, because i have a Lot of Thoughts about serena during the dair arc (some of which people have said before me, as some old LJ comments can probably testify, haha.) 

this got very long and very serena centric *raises a mug of tea* cheers!

serena pining after dan and chasing after him like that was... i hated it too, and it made me.. uncomfortable is the best word i have for it, but also really deeply sad? i joke about serena’s ‘evil arc’ but as someone who genuinely loves her character and wanted good things for her, it was so painful to see her hurting so much and, instead of coping with that hurt in a mature way, causing harm to the people around her (two of whom she canonically loved very much; two of her favourite people in the world.)

the way i felt about serena during the dair arc was very much like... her reacting badly and not being sympathetic actually did make sense. i wasn’t a fan of how the show handled it and portrayed it, but given everything that happened with her in s3 and s4, i do think some kind of fallout was warranted and expected. everything that happened with lily, william and the fake cancer plotline was really messed up, and serena had spent majority of her life waiting for her dad to come back, and - i think we can blame lily for not being a particularly good (or present) parent, but i think serena had this very strong feeling that her dad coming back would somehow fix their family, or something like that. instead, his coming back caused a very new level of van der woodsen fuckery, and i think that would’ve been extremely traumatic for serena.

it’s also worth noticing that she doesn’t spend time after breaking up with nate in s3 to work on herself. she recognises that she needs to, recognises that she needs some time to recover and really find herself again. but s4 rolls around and she’s still feeling lost. going to paris with blair is fun for serena, but it’s also an escape - she’s actively not dealing with the stuff that’s happened, which i think is part of why her behaviour in early s4 is so chaotic and messy - leaving dan & nate hanging like that is.... mean. she should’ve been honest with them, she should’ve made a choice, even if that choice was ‘neither of you, i need more time, sorry’ or ‘hey, i’m not really sure yet, you shouldn’t have to wait for me to choose’.  

i’ve said stuff very vaguely, mostly in tags, about serena & dan being very emotionally unintelligent, and i think this is serena’s emotional unintelligence - she wants things to be okay and alright again, but she doesn’t want to face her trauma and her insecurities to get through it (which... trauma is fucked up so i do understand that.) i think that’s what makes her such a sympathetic character to me. like, serena, you can run away from everything, but you can’t run away from  yourself + your issues. you have to face them!! but she doesn’t really know how. nobody’s taught her this.

we’ve already gone into serena’s abandonment issues quite a bit, but i think serena during the dair arc was mostly those issues flaring up + the build-up of a lot of trauma re: the thing with her dad (that she was pretending not to see), serena feeling abandoned & lost because the only two people who she’s really ever thought of as ‘hers’, blair and dan, suddenly care about each other in a way that excludes her. we talk about the “dan and i have a real connection” thing in a dair way all the time, but the first time i saw that i was like “HELL YES” for dan and blair but like “ohhhhh noooo” for serena because the whole ‘we do things together that we could never do with you’ - which, i don’t think blair even meant in a hurtful way, but was probably the worst thing blair could’ve said to serena at the time?? 

it’s also worth noting that serena and dan keep going to each other when they’re at their lowest. serena reaches out to dan over the william thing, even though william majorly fucked over rufus, even though serena was dating nate at the time, it was dan she turned to then. when georgina takes milo away, dan immediately goes to serena, and she’s like, how are you, and he denies feeling bad about it, and serena (who probably knows dan well enough to know that it’s bullshit) humours him and goes “okay, let’s not talk about it” which nobody else was really doing at the time, which is why he went to serena. serena and dan’s high school relationship was very sweet and uncomplicated and i find it interesting (& a little sad, tbh) that when things go bad in either of their lives, both of them sort of immediately reach out for the other, almost like they’re trying to recreate the way their relationship was at the very beginning. gossipgirls has some great meta on this.

there’s probably also some jealousy over like.. dan and blair having found some stability and happiness with each other (without her! she’s no longer the person dan or blair loves the most and that hurts!) - and that they’ve found this stability while she still feels so lost and she’s drifting so much. serena’s gradual evolution into someone who really cared about being a socialite (??) and her reputation (to the extent that she was screwing lola over for her own benefit) felt very... drowning man clutching at straws-ish. like she’s lost everything else, might as well hold on to the one thing that she has.

this made me sad because i feel like... she still had dan. he didn’t want to be her boyfriend, he didn’t have romantic feelings for her, and he didn’t want to have sex with her. but he was still very much her friend. he confided in her!! he spoke to her about blair more openly than he did with anyone else (nate was right there, it’s not like the only person dan had in his corner was serena - serena was just the easiest person for him to talk to) and i really, really feel like if serena had just been like “dan, i want to be happy for you but i feel so lost, i feel like you and blair don’t need me anymore and i feel so lonely” or whatever... he would’ve understood!! he would’ve helped her through it! you know that bit with blair and serena in the elevator in 3x09? i can’t find the gifs right now Unfortunately but you know the scene im talking about - they both open up and talk and serena is finally honest with blair? i wish she’d gotten something like that with dan in s5 because like... this theme of dan trusting her with his heart (in a platonic way, but STILL, he was being soo honest and vulnerable and open with her) and her just being all supportive on the outside and sabotagey on the inside... like.. i didn’t like that for her, and i honestly think the level of evil they dialed it up to was cartoon villainny and very ooc for serena. 

i DO see her having resistance and insecurity to the dair arc, but the sort of dishonesty and antics she was pulling felt so wrong and so un-serena, even in the light of all the trauma and the context to her acting out. the shephard divorce thing especially... serena spends so much of the earlier seasons feeling guilty and hating herself over the shephard wedding and the thing with nate. i don’t think she would do that again in any capacity - forgetting blair for a moment, i don’t think she would do that to herself. she hated the person she’d become back then & i do think serena is more strong-willed than most of us give her credit for (filming dan without his consent like that is a georgina move, it’s not a serena move.) 

as for leaking blair’s diary... i feel like serena and blair have such a complicated and not always healthy friendship (that bit in s2 i think it is where serena says something about ‘im sick of always holding myself back so i don’t outshine you’ and blair is like ‘hey wtf??’ hits very hard because it’s so... understandable from BOTH of their perspectives, like i feel like i can understand how serena’s just been quietly holding onto all this resentment until she can’t be quiet about it anymore and it explodes, and blair’s insecurities make this moment one of her worst fears being actualised. but it’s an impactful moment because it touches upon the complexity of blairena.) serena leaking blair’s diary makes sense - i hate it, but i don’t think it was that ooc, and if that had been her only act of betrayal that would’ve felt a lot more realistic to me, tbh, given the way blair & serena’s relationship is and how often they hurt each other (sometimes even deliberately!!) like i would’ve just been like ‘serena! no!!’ as opposed to ‘that’s not my serena; what is this arc!!!” which is what s5 always makes me feel. 

[fericita-s]

Dangerous Secrets Review Where I Try to Have Coherent Thoughts (many spoilers under the cut):

Dangerous Secrets is a delightful book that manages to keep the tone of Frozen: light-hearted dialogue with a contemporary feel paired with deep emotions that will rip your heart out and make you cry.  I was really impressed how deftly the story toggles between the fun, silly moments (Agnarr and Iduna making up a dance imitating a reindeer who really has to pee) and the devastatingly tragic moments (Like them dying on a boat. Stupid boats.).

Being told in first person in alternating points of view from Agnarr and Iduna means that we really get to see what they were thinking.  I loved the way the characters were fully explored.  They were both kids who experienced several traumatic events and did their best to keep going, to keep choosing hope and love even when all they were experiencing was death and fear.

The book answered all of my most pressing questions about Iduna: What happened to her family? Did she try to return home? Where did she live in Arendelle? Did Agnarr remember her from the forest? How did the two of them become friends? Why was Agnarr allowed to marry a commoner with no society connections? What did she think the first time she saw Elsa use magic?  What was she actively trying to do during the sisters’ separation? Did she think going to Ahtohallan was going to risk their lives?  

Iduna is so richly drawn as a character here, with goals and desires and a really compelling conflict about how to help her daughters, how to keep her family safe, and how to be herself without sharing all of who she is. She feels a constant undercurrent of terror at being found out, heightened by children casually playing games where they hide from the “Evil Northuldra” and townspeople blame any misfortune on the northern neighbors they blame for the loss of their soldiers and king.  

Agnarr is kind and thoughtful, a boy who loves his kingdom even if he is not ready to lead it at fourteen when his father dies. He manages to be light-hearted and spontaneous while also attending to duties.  He loves Iduna deeply and makes his decisions after deliberation and thought, weighing what’s best for his kingdom.  Even when the book flashes forward and he is burying himself in work while his family’s relationships are crumbling, he immediately stops and listens to Iduna’s plan about how to fix things.

The regent, Lord Peterssen was a wonderful character too and because of him, both Iduna and Agnarr got to act like children for a lot longer than I had imagined they would. He did, however, tell Iduna to lie about her origins, even once she was grown and about to be queen.  I liked that this took the culpability off of her, but what a burden to bear.

Mari Mancusi knows the Frozen world well.  There are delightful uses of song lyrics, including a truly hysterical moment when Agnarr sings a version of “Home” specifically designed to make Iduna laugh.  “Conceal don’t feel” is introduced early as the worst well-meant advice ever.  We meet a teenage Oaken and Iduna is ready to fight him about his price gouging like Kristoff is years later. 

The story mostly focuses on their friendship and then romance, with only quick snapshots of their lives as parents and monarchs.  My heart especially broke during the scene when Iduna is trying to help a teenage Elsa control the powers that she is so afraid of using.  Such a vivid picture emerges of how that time was for all of them - stressful, scary, and isolating. 

The trolls remain my least favorite part of Frozen, and I found them villainous here too even though that was perhaps not the intention.  They are seen taking people’s memories away when they are sad because they’ve lost loved ones. How is that “love expert” behavior I ask you!? Shouldn’t they offer some counseling vouchers on how to live with loss? It was yet another time that secrecy and cutting out memories was reinforced as the right thing to do, even though it had clearly disastrous consequences for this family.

Agnarr and Iduna are constantly reassuring each other through touch, and there is so much affection between them.  So much kissing. You guys.  So. Much. Kissing. I did not think there would be this much kissing.  Like.  @the-spaztic-fantastic and I were slightly worried we made Agnarr and Iduna too enthusiastically married and got all in our heads about writing it in our fan fic but this Disney YA book has more sexy-times moments than we could have dreamed up.  He calls her his lover.  They have a secret make out room. They lose track of time kissing in a tree and he licks chocolate off of her fingers.  I love it. 

For sure Agnarr/Iduna fans will love this, but I think any Frozen fan would too, and fans of fairy tales in general.  There is plenty to learn about many other Frozen characters, the kingdom of Arendelle, and the world it inhabits.  So read it and then come squeal about it here! Would love to know what others think and the parts you liked best.  Thanks for writing such a fantastic story, @marimancusi!

[wersoverytired]

Watching the Supernatural finale hours after almost dying is, well. Different.

I cannot stress this enough: MAJOR triggers for frank discussion of a recent suicide attempt (no, not because SPN ended). Steer clear if this might hit too close to home. I'm no longer at risk, this happened a while ago and is over, and my care manager is aware.

Right, and spoilers for the series finale.

_____ _____ _____

I'm old enough to have been a fan of SPN since 2005. And considering the fact that childhood abuse had me suicidal at around age 12, probably earlier, it's safe to say that I have never watched the show without that constant battle going on in the background, unrelated.

When Dean said he was tired, that he was done, I got it. When Sam asked in that abandoned chapel what the upside was to him being alive, or when he confided in his brother in a hotel hallway that he had always felt unclean somehow, I could relate. There was more to the show than that, of course -- the love, the loyalty, the humor -- but the struggle was another point of connection.

As both the show and I grew long in the tooth, and my life circumstances were progressive getting worse (as they sometimes do when you carry untreated trauma), I used SPN and the fandom as a comfort. And increasingly, living to see how the Winchester story ends became one of those grappling hooks you latch on to when you look for reasons to keep going just a little longer.

Naturally, that didn't (and couldn't) arm me against the waves of acute, hope-obliterating, soul-sucking despair that can routinely crash on your head when you're dealing with poverty, chronic physical illness and disability -- and in a harsh country, too -- as well as being severely post traumatic and dissociative. Saving me was never the show's job, nor should it have been. I used it as much as I could, though.

The more I felt like I had to die, the more I tried. Dying hardly ever comes naturally, not even when you feel like there's no other way. Painfully isolated and increasingly bedridden, I watched convention panels and smiled so hard my face hurt. Other times I cried. And I made online friends, often through the fandom, who made life less empty. Who loved and laughed and cried with me from afar. It's hard to overstate the effect that can have when you're trapped in a body that's pretty much your cage, with a mind that's wounded and struggling.

I kept fighting. But I also kept finding myself, over and over again, faced with the reality that most people who are deeply traumatized, certainly those who are also severely dissociative, get to know early on: the world excels at letting many of us know that there's no place for us. Fighting hard to survive with about 10% of what I need to live, I sometimes find it hard not to listen to that toxic message that many survivors and disabled folks hear and feel coming at them over and over: you're too broken to justify the cost and effort of keeping you alive.

It's been an especially hard couple of years in that sense. And as the finale was months, then weeks, then days away, I kept telling myself to wait. Wait for that. Decide later. "Deciding later" is a survival technique I've been using for decades now whenever I get actively suicidal. It's not a bad one.

So that very last Thursday evening (or very late night, where I live) came around. And it so happens that I was at the very end of my rope. Again, for unrelated reasons to the show ending, obviously. And I couldn't go on.

The finale was hours away, and off I went on that same journey. Wait. Wait just long enough to see how it ends. It's been 15 years. You've survived so far, and that bit of closure, at least, is within reach. Just fucking wait to watch that last episode; see how they go before you do. Let that be the one last kind thing you do for yourself.

I kept telling myself that even as I numbly went through my final checklist.

I know it hurts so much. I know this damn body is tortured beyond what you can stand, I know we've been told it's about to get even worse. And hours more of this seem like an eternity. Watching anything seems impossible. I know the PTSD is intolerable, I know you can't sleep, you live in constant fear and rage and exhaustion; I know you're alone in this.

I know you live in a place that has made its peace with people like you dying of Covid, and finds it a small price to pay for refusing to wear masks. I know how that makes you feel, to be told that your life is worth that little because you're disabled. I know 9 months of what amounts to house arrest, while living alone, have made everything so much worse. I know you just want to go.

But wait to watch how it ends. And decide later. You can go later. You can.

And I almost made it. I mean, I'm obviously still here, so I eventually survived. But I tried not to. I couldn't wait.

Sometimes, when you get to the lowest low point, when you are in all-encompassing agony, when your circumstances leave no room for hope even though you desperately want to live -- and I do, I so want to live -- no show, no fandom, no unfinished story can keep you from taking that step over the edge. Many times it can, but there are places where nothing has any meaning. Thursday night became one of those. Watching the finale was a faded notion in the background of all that agony, and then it was nothing at all.

I only managed to write one goodbye letter. Hard to be as organized as you imagined you would be, hard not to leave unforgivable loose ends. I have no memory of what the letter said, and I can't look at it, not yet. It's tucked away now, just out of view.

And then I went about doing the only thing that I felt could be done.

I didn't get to go away. Both because I couldn't stand the torment of the only method I had handy, though I sure gave it my best efforts -- two more minutes would have sealed the deal -- and because I was fucking afraid to die. All the way through, until I gave up and stopped what I was doing.

Fear of dying when you're your own executioner is an odd thing. Your body wants out of this plan you've made for you both. It responds like you'd expect when someone's life in under threat. It makes you have to run to the bathroom over and over, it makes your heart hammer in your chest and your ears ring.

There was no crying. Not at that point. I don't think there was crying when I gave up and accepted that I was staying alive, either. But I can't remember.

I don't know what I did during the few hours after that. The physical consequences of what I did were gone within half an hour or so -- being so ill, I knew not to try something that would land me in the ER during COVID, should I not complete the plan. I'd also be on my own there, and most likely dissociated to such a degree that I wouldn't be able to move or speak. That's not something I ever wanted to experience again, and a fucking horrible starting point if I survived.

Anyway, I was okay physically soon enough, which is not how it usually goes. I just remember being fuzzy and distant and alone. There was no one to call, and I also thought about how it would feel to get a call like that. I considered a crisis hotline, but didn't have the energy to explain my messy, complicated circumstances. I probably just lay there.

A few hours later, I was present enough to watch the finale. Still don't know how. Dissociation has it occasional advantages, one of which is being disconnected from certain things when it's all too much. And so I watched the final episode in bed, with the aftermath of that suicide attempt still all around me.

I watched Dean die the way he did. I watched Sam die. I watched them both being given the pained, tearful reassurance that it was okay to go. Watched them being held, watched those two strong, kindhearted, emotional, loyal men crying as they breathed their last. Dean's death, especially, broke my heart. He so clearly did not want to die. Was afraid, more than ever before.

I did cry then. I sobbed. I could cry for them. Hell, I could cry for that dog, wandering with Sam through the empty halls of the bunker. I cried as that dog looked up, with all that trust and love, at the only human he had left. I cried for Sam, sitting drained and aching in the dark library. Saying "I know, me too" on the unmade bed in Dean's cold, empty room.

Before that, back in the barn, I watched Dean not want to go. Sam begging him not to go, then forcing himself to tell his older brother what he needed, what he begged to hear. That he wasn't abandoning the one person he had spent his life looking out for. That Sam would survive him going, now that he had to go.

I never saved the world, and there's nothing heroic about me. But so much of what went on around those characters' deaths echoed what I had felt hours earlier, what I still was feeling. It gave me a safe way to cry for that, too.

I will always be grateful to the show for that small mercy. And grateful to Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki, whom I've never met and never will, and have given such phenomenal performances here that they reached through all that distance, to unknowingly touch an ache that I could not cry for. They'll never know that. I imagine there are so many people like me who feel the same gratefulness, too, for their own similar moments of human connection.

The show is over now, and I try not to be sad about that, and I'm sure I will be. It would be sadder if I didn't feel a loss. Meanwhile, life doesn't stall just because you tried to stop your own. It's around two weeks later now, bright and loud outside my window in a world that's not safe for me to go out in, and I am lying in bed in a half-lit room trying to manage my pain. I didn't die. I'm still here.

I can't pretend I'm glad that I am, but I also know that I'm not ready to go yet. I'm just not. I have no good reason for that; sometimes you're just too afraid to die. And so I can't see myself trying to go away again any time soon. My health might take care of that for me anyway, but otherwise, looks like I'm stuck on this ride.

I'm very grateful that I've had SPN and its people for so long through this battle, to give me and the rest of the fandom so much more than meets the eye. And I'm grateful for that last, good cry, too.

Well, not the last cry, for sure. There's always rewatch #475783. 

[jostenneil]

I think something so fundamental to Naruto as a story is the fact that Naruto and Sasuke’s individual journeys in relation to Konoha—as a system and as a collective of people—are always going to send them in opposite directions. Like I realize that a lot of fans (including me, at times) wanted anything but angst for them as a conclusion, after all that they went through, but in doing so I think people ignore something undeniable about the story itself. As the story progresses, Konoha becomes a home to Naruto, and a source of exile to Sasuke. More under the cut!

The problems I have with Naruto’s post-canon—Chapter 700 and onward—lie mostly in the idea that Sasuke is willing to bend and cater to this system that: 

manipulated his brother into massacring his whole family,

isolated him as a result of that massacre, fixing his hatred on a singular point with no thought to how that situation could easily spiral, which it did, 

provided him with no knowledge as to why that massacre actually occurred,

and when he did find out the reason, lead him to realize that Konoha was a village that had never wanted him to begin with, that he had been spared solely because his brother loved him that much (but even then, that love wasn’t without consequence, and it was manipulated by the background intentions of Konoha’s elite), 

and, regardless of all these facts, continued to alienate and criminalize him rather than help or address his trauma and his very valid reasons for rage aimed at the village. 

Do I agree that there were better ways for Sasuke to go about his intentions once he recognized Konoha’s elite for the scum of the earth that they were? Sure. But I also think it’s important to recognize that he was incredibly destabilized as a child, and it’s amazing, because for some people this is a very hard thing to understand? I think fandom doesn’t realize the difference in the words ‘justified’ and ‘explained’. Were all of Sasuke’s actions in canon justified? Maybe not (although a lot were). Were all of his actions well explained by his trauma? Honestly, yeah. 

So to circle back to the point that I am trying to make—it’s true that during Part I, he grew very close to Team 7, and for a brief moment in time, these relationships were like a lifeline for him. But think about it—is a connection that you hold to three people enough to keep you in a village where you hardly feel connected to the rest? This is only a mild issue for Sasuke at the end of Part I; he doesn’t feel very connected to most people in Konoha, but at best, they’re just annoying background noise, trivial obstacles in the face of his goal to hunt down and murder Itachi. 

By the end of Part II, however, it’s overwhelmingly integral to his situation. Over the course of his journey, he’s come to learn that Konoha as a system always viewed him—his family—as a potential threat. His life was spared by his brother, but even that came with consequences and orders orchestrated by Danzo and co.; add onto that the chaos that he wrecked once he was free of Orochimaru’s tutelage, and you have a person who didn’t just alienate himself from his village, but who was alienated by that village in turn. 

It just makes so much sense to me that he leaves at the end of Chapter 699, because while he obviously cares deeply for Naruto and Sakura, is it really realistic to imagine him staying there just for them? What would he do, and what purpose would staying there serve him? This village rendered his entire life a lie, trivialized his existence, and traumatized him as a result. Aside from his connection to Naruto, by the end of the manga, Sasuke is purposeless. For someone whose entire arc is propelled by hate and sadness that stems from a very specific purpose, he ends up in this strange, sort of in-limbo space. . .

. . . which is why I actually like the idea that he decided to go on a journey for himself. It’s why I like the Blank Period notion of him being this forever traveler who drops in on occasion to help when circumstances are dire. It’s a good balance for him. In the fast-forwarded post-canon, however, we see that he’s essentially become a more child-friendly Itachi equivalent—he’s signed his life away to forever protect Konoha from behind the scenes, despite the fact that it comes at the cost of him neglecting his own family, and for the sake of a populace that for the most part does not care for him. It just feels like such a cruel way for his story to come full circle, after everything that he went through, because as much as he loves Naruto, Sasuke admitting to loss is more an acceptance to let love in, in full, and to let it guide him over the hatred he’d harbored in his heart for so long. That doesn’t have to be equivalent to submitting himself to Konoha—it just means that he should allow himself to prioritize his own needs and desires, rather than let anyone else’s evil or trauma guide him, as it has for the whole story.

And actually, that notion, to me, is what made Naruto’s character progression and ending make a lot of sense in comparison. He is someone who constantly strove for heartfelt connection to others, despite the pain and rejection that it could very often inflict on himself. In many ways, it was a dangerous way to think, and he often came off as naive(, which Naruto as a story is plenty criticized for, because it easily runs counter-intuitive to any sort of worthy political commentary on the series), but it also made him a very hopeful and independent person. He didn’t allow what others thought of him or inflicted upon him to guide his thinking, and he was very much someone who prioritized his own heart over the malice of others. 

So naturally, Naruto always ran in a direction opposed to Sasuke as a result of this thinking—and we know this. Befriending and changing the people around him for the better was what propelled Naruto more than anything, and it’s why Konoha ended up as a home for him despite everything it and its people did to discourage and put him down. He had to go to ridiculous lengths to prove himself, and in many ways it was cruel to realize, but he also formed so many valuable relationships along the way. Like, his relationship with Sasuke obviously takes precedence, because it is the foundation and catalyst for everything, but I don’t really agree with people who view Naruto’s dream of becoming Hokage as an obstacle to that bond. I actually feel like those were goals that ran in parallel for him. And I mean, he even says it, doesn’t he? How is he supposed to become Hokage if he can’t even bring back this one friend from darkness. It just resonates so much to me that by the end of the story, Naruto is someone actually prepared to take on the mantle of Hokage—because he understands other people’s pain, and he runs with it, and he is insistent upon making the people around him love themselves because he knows how miserable he was as a child hardly able to love himself. 

In that sense, Chapter 699 is, to me, a really great chapter. I think it captures that forever diverging dichotomy between him and Sasuke perfectly. Naruto is a story equally about Naruto making a home for himself in Konoha as it is about Sasuke freeing himself from the same village’s shackles. True, there is this intense, deeply rooted love that they are always going to have for each other, but that love is something that runs alongside their own personal feelings and ambitions, rather than against it. I think people get caught up in the idea that a happy ending for them has to mean that they’re together together, but to me there’s a certain poetry in them going their own separate ways. Konoha is no longer a home for Sasuke (if it ever was, even a little), but that relationship to Naruto and Team 7 will forever be important to him and influence him wherever he goes; and Konoha has become a home for Naruto, but it’s also with the peace of knowing that Sasuke won’t ever succumb to the darkness of others again, and will love himself first. 

So, tldr; I think the notion of Naruto ending with Naruto and Sasuke going their separate ways is kind of ingenious, because it ties deeply into what Konoha means to each of them by the end of it. This isn’t me saying that I think they’re never going to see each other again—I just don’t think the conclusion to their individual arcs has to be in opposition to what their relationship means to them. They can continue to be intensely important to each other, while prioritizing their own hopes and dreams. That’s the beauty and tragedy of their relationship to me. (Chapter 700, who?)

[ghostwise]

🌼, 🌲, and 🍁for renata? 👀

🌼 Who are this characters friends and found family? How did they meet, how long have they been friends for, could they ever be something more than just friends? What do they look for in a friend or a romantic partner?

Ren is so easygoing, she really won't bother with a friendship or a relationship that feels like it doesn't fit. If there's no spark, there's no spark, and that's fine! But I honestly feel that DA2 is the exact definition of found family. That mansion winds up feeling nice and cozy with everyone being around at all hours of the day. Full answers are under the cut, since it got really long :)

Merrill: She met Merrill just a few weeks after arriving in Kirkwall, and because they were both still reeling from the Blight, and from having to flee the only home they'd ever known, she found a lot of comfort in sharing the experience with someone. They learned their way around town together! Getting lost isn't as much of a crisis when you're with a friend after all. Merrill also used what she knew about healing magic to help Bethany recover from her traumatic injury after her encounter with the ogre darkspawn. They grow much closer after Ren returns from the Deep Roads. (Absence makes the heart grow fonder, makes Merrill realize that Kirkwall isn’t Kirkwall without Hawke~)

Varric: They met during her first few months in Kirkwall and immediately clicked. The joking around, the unconditional love and support, it just came naturally to them. They're platonic soulmates that bring out the shenanigans in each other, to the point that most people that meet them think they're an item. Eventually Varric discreetly pays off the debt Hawke's family owed the smugglers that helped them enter Kirkwall with falsified documents. She always suspects, but she never brings it up...

Anders: Ren met Anders a couple of years later, when he first set up his clinic. Because Bethany was still experiencing symptoms from her injury, Anders was able to perform more effective healing magic. Thanks to this, Bethany was left with nothing but light sensitivity as a symptom, and began working in the clinic, gaining confidence in her abilities as a mage. It's mage solidarity babes. He’s super protective of the whole bunch, and Ren jokingly calls him the ‘family physician.’

(Anders was actually Renata's canon LI for the longest time, and I do still love his romance! But I can only take so much of the 'im bad for you, ill hurt you, we shouldnt’ shit. Realistically, Ren would back off at the first rebuff. Since Blackwall is my Lavellan's LI and has a similar dynamic, I was like, ok, one of these sad lying white bois has got 2 go...)

Isabela: Ren met Isabela a few months before leaving for the Deep Roads, which made for odd timing. Though they got on well, there were a few weeks where everyone thought they weren't coming back; so for Isabela that led to some uncomfortable grief. They hadn't grown particularly close. When Renata and Varric finally returned, it was like someone coming back from the dead. Over time they built a friendship that is easygoing and gentle. Like a calm sea.

Fenris: I think their friendship was the slowest to develop, simply because Fenris is so wary of forming close relationships. He doesn't want to hurt people, and he doesn't want to be hurt by magic. Ren isn't one to push boundaries. Surprisingly, this means it's actually Bethany who connects with him first.

Ren was very much like... "I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but I'm here if you need to talk, and I care about you". Bethany was the one popping in like "I brought you cookies! Yes I know I wasn't invited. You should come over, Isabela's reading pornography in an Orlesian accent."

By the by? Fenris LOVES Leandra. He spends more time sipping tea with her and chatting than running around fighting giant spiders with Varric and Ren. Understandable, I suppose.

She’s also close with Feynriel, Bodahn, Sandal, and Keeva (OC).

TLDR: fambily

I love them to pieces, so from a writing standpoint, I feel like I'm barely scratching the surface in terms of exploring their relationship dynamics.

🌲 How deeply does your OC feel? Are they typically empathetic or do they have a hard time connecting with others in this way? What are they like when offering support and comfort to someone they care for?

Answered this one here! :)

🍁 Where does your OC go when they need to have some time to themself? Would they ever have their own “comfort corner” filled with all the things they like? Do they have a favourite spot outside that feels like its theirs and theirs alone?

They spend a year crammed into Gamlen's one-bedroom Lowtown apartment, and Hawke doesn't even want to go home at the end of the day. Eventually the family earns enough that they can move out to a two-bedroom apartment, and though she still has to share a room with her mother, at least there's some space to breathe. When they move to Hightown her balcony becomes her favorite place in the world: sunlight, plants, books, and enough space to bring a few friends in there for a drink!

Varric’s suite at the Hanged Man is a close second. The first night back from the Deep Roads, that’s where the whole family piled in to sleep; no one slept alone. It was the moment she realized she had some truly special people in her life.