#i find it funny that he has insecurities but everyone else is aggressively supportive

[morifinwes]

Lauraa I finished all the fics, apart from decay (currently reading that now) and I love it sm! Especially the lip gloss one lmao the whole thing was so hilarious to me XD but also like the concept of lwj wearing lipgloss is >>> -yibobibo

@yibobibo then i'm going to rec you some more!! the lip gloss one was !!!!! ajsksks yes!! lwj wearing lipgloss is just so!! good!!

modern

this one is the painful one i talked about:

visitations by var_abelasan (12K, wip, divorced wangxian, post divorce, most of this is angst, uhm lowkey don't but also do want wangxian to end up together, it's messy, the jiangs & lans are shitty, wwx was in prison (brief mentions of that but it's kind of a major plot point), mxy & xy are the little brothers he never wanted but wwx picked them up anyways)

"Wei Ying-" Lan Zhan says, stutters, "I'm sorry." 

And now Wei Wuxian sees it, the red rimming Lan Zhan's eyes, the rumpled edges of his blazer. There is an old, familiar urge for him to reach over, to hold Lan Zhan's hand and smooth his hair, to tell him that everything will be fine. 

"We're all a bit sorry about this, I think," he says instead, and finds that he means it. For Lan Xichen and Lan Wangji and everyone else in that Guanyin temple, the pain must be unbearably fresh, like skin just flayed open. But Wei Wuxian's chest had been cracked open a long time ago, his wounds licked and cauterized and sewn shut over five long years - Ever hurting, but a dull, constant ache, "It's really alright, Lan Zhan."

 

Five years after being accused of corporate espionage and losing everything, the Guanyin Scandal breaks open and Wei Wuxian finds a familiar face at his door.

please don't let me be misunderstood by sysrae (3K, partly deaf!wwx, lwj notices, nobody else does though, idk wwx is like made out of fucking steel or some shit)

Lan Wangji has known Wei Ying for a fortnight, the first time he sees him get hit by a car.

light by redkosmos (10K, blind!lwj, which causes angst, but they manage it, best friends to lovers, fluff, lwj being insecure and feeling like a burden, college au kind of? but it doesn't matter too much)

The realization slowly dawns on him.

He can never again see the brightness of Wei Ying's eyes, the way they crescent when he smiles, never again see the rich black of his hair, the mess of it in the early mornings, never again see the beautiful tan of his skin, the beauty of the scars and marks adorned on it, how he wears his clothes, how it hugs his frame beautifully, how he looks like he's adorably swimming in cloth when he wears Lan Zhan's, and-

(Lan Zhan loses his vision in a car accident and learns to cope with it.)

don't leave me by trippinonskies (19K, brief very brief mention of lwj cheating, he doesn't but wwx is afraid lwj is cheating on him or just wants to break up with him, (he doesn't), marriage proposal, lwj acting distant = wwx's insecurities show up, fluff, angst and comfort)

Lan Zhan! Where are you lost today?” Wei Wuxian finally asks, at the end of his patience.

Lan Zhan looks a little guilty as he looks at Wei Wuxian, “Sorry, just a lot of work to deal with.”

Lie.

If there is one thing Lan Zhan can’t do, it’s lying. Especially to Wei Wuxian. But he doesn’t question Lan Zhan. He just accepts the reply, too scared to know that he is right. Too scared to know the truth.

// or where Lan Zhan is too hung up in planning the perfect proposal and ends up accidently ignoring Wei Wuxian making the other think that he wants to break up //

want you closer by xiaobucephalus ((3K, HORSES, only in the background tho, but wwx is an equestrian vet, which is so fucking valid bro, the lans own horses, a sick bunny, lwj the bunny parent!, super cute, dark bay throughoutbred chenqing is honestly so valid)

“Thank you,” Lan Zhan said, breathing a sigh of relief.

“Don’t thank me, Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying laughed again, his voice warming the chill of fear that had settled in his chest. “I’ve been looking for an excuse to get into your hutch for a while anyway.”

safe in your thoughts by anonymous (20K, it's a cherry magic au???? (i haven't watched it, but you have i think?), horny lwj but only for wwx (always for wwx))

Wei Wuxian learns three very important things on the night of his twenty-seventh birthday.

One, that Lan Wangji is ridiculously funny, which Wei Wuxian had known before but what Wei Wuxain hadn’t expected was Lan Wangji to be funny at his brother’s expense.

Two, that Wei Wuxian had finally gone mad, absolutely mental at the ripe age of twenty seven because nothing else would explain the third thing he had learnt.

Third, and the most unbelievable of the lot, that Lan Wangji wants to fuck him.

iura by yoo_im_finally_writing (1K, only added bcs op is right and wwx would've the cutest german accent, it's more fun if you understand german so hit me up if you want translations for the german sentences)

Wei Ying calls in the middle of the night to talk about German law, and Lan Zhan tries very hard not to fall asleep. Or at least, not to let Wei Ying notice he's falling asleep. (As best friends do.)

breathe in the air, the last of its kind by wereworm / @neverdoingmuch (27K, getting together, jealous!lwj, but also kind of supportive, brief mention of cheating bcs of miscommunication, no actual cheating tho, college au, lwj pov)

Following Wei Ying’s line of sight, Lan Wangji can barely prevent a smile from crossing his lips when he sees the short row of rabbit statuettes placed at the front of the display. Silver, with bright gems for eyes, they look elegant yet lively and animated.

“A-Yuan would love one of those,” Wei Ying murmurs, almost as if to himself.

Lan Wangji frowns; the rabbits, while cute, don’t seem like a suitable gift for Wei Ying’s A-Yuan.

...

It’s only when he glances back at the rabbits and notices what has been placed on display behind them, that the pieces fall into place. They’re engagement rings, there’s no doubt about it. Lan Wangji feels his heart sink – Wei Ying isn’t just dating A-Yuan, he wants to propose to him.

Or: the five times Lan Wangji thinks that A-Yuan is Wei Ying’s boyfriend and the one time he learns the truth.

paint smears on sunny days by snowshadowao3 / @angstsexual (53K, getting together, art teacher!wwx, single parent!lwj, they're rich if i remember right, wwx & lwj are both good with kids!!!, this is so good actually, fluff)

To say that he runs to his car would be incorrect, as he is a Lan, and running is both undignified and unnecessary unless in immediate danger. Nor does he slam his key into the ignition, or aggressively swerve around the cars on the freeway, or have a mild panic attack at the fact he is picking A-Yuan up late from school for the first time ever.

He comes close, though.

By the time he arrives, it’s 4:35PM, and he has imagined about fifty different worse-case scenarios. The door is partly open when he gets to it, a messy label of 104B—Art Room scrawled with chalk on a placard next to the faded wood. As he opens it fully, he expects to see a wailing, terrified child, or perhaps a scene of utter misery and betrayal.

What he finds is his son, hands covered in paint, being sung to by a beautiful, dark-haired stranger.

“Ducks live in the pond, yellow ducks, happy ducks!”

Lan Wangji stops in his tracks.

(Or: Falling in love with your son’s art teacher, in five parts)

no bunny compares by gusucloudbunny (4K, god this is cute, fluff)

“Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian cornered his friend one week before his birthday. “If you could have anything in the world, what would it be?”

Lan Wangji furrowed his brow at Wei Wuxian, not exactly sure how to answer that question in a truthful manner that didn’t involve confessing his undying love for his best friend.

Wei Wuxian is on a mission to get Lan Wangji the perfect gift for his birthday. What Wei Wuxian doesn't know is that the only thing Lan Wangji truly wants is him.

wei wuxian's week of realizing things by photojenny (12K, i have read this multiple times, i always forget what happens, idk why but my notes say it's good, the tags say drunkji makes an appearance and i'm always up for that)

"Lan Zhan, do you like Mianmian?" asked Wei Wuxian.

Lan Wangji blinked, and stared. It was not the first time Lan Wangji had questioned the perceptiveness of the boy he had a crush on. Wei Wuxian had been smart in the class they had taken together. Yet time and time again, Wei Wuxian had tested the old wisdom that there are no stupid questions.

---

Lan Wangji must figure out how to confess when Wei Wuxian is the most oblivious person he's ever met.

are you my wisdom tooth? because i'd like to take you out by yellowcarnations (1K, crack, fluff, lwj stop flirting with a stranger, even if he is your husband, drunkji but make it to max level)

Lan Zhan wakes up and he has no idea where he is.

There are bright lights and his jaw hurts, he doesn't who this man next to his bed is but oh he might be in love, maybe, probably, definitely.

–

based off that guy-forgets-who-his-wife-is-and-hits-on-her vid but its wangxian.

beep! goes his heart by wearing_tearing (3K, fluff, lwj is like "he, he likes me right? he likes me" and everyone is like "yes, yes he does")

“Wei Ying’s heart monitor,” Lan Wangji starts.

Wen Qing blinks at him. “Yes?”

“It beeps.”

“That’s… what they generally do, yes.”

“The beeps change,” Lan Wangji continues, “when others are around.”

*

Wei Ying’s heart only sings for Lan Wangji.

canon

obedient and bellicose by thunderwear (19K, lwj is cursed by the lan elders, they notice too late, fix-it fic kind of?, lqr being a good uncle and lxc is a good brother, wwx accidentally uses the curse but he doesn't know about it)

It took Lan Wangji a long time to realize he was cursed. Too long really, anyone else would have noticed so much sooner. The problem was, he liked following the rules.

Ella Enchanted AU that no one needed but I wanted.

hello my old heart, how have you been? by ravenditefairylights (10K, amnesia, fluff, wwx taking care of lwj, so much fluff and softness, angst too but not that much)

The issue is, Lan Wangji brings his thoughts back before they stray too far, that it is impossible for someone to be in his bed, unless Lan Wangji himself invited them. He has not. He would remember doing so, and besides, all his night clothes are still on and there is no headache to imply that he was inebriated last night. No, the situation is simple.

There is someone in Lan Wangji’s bed. It is impossible for anyone to be in Lan Wangji’s bed, and yet that doesn’t seem to have stopped the stranger.

or lan wangji wakes up, and wei ying is there. he doesn't understand how or why, and he can understand even less why his hallucination of wei ying is so insistent on bathing him, and braiding his hair, on holding him and fixing his clothes. why the hallucination of wei ying seems so happy to see him.

teach me the way by likeafox (58K, rogue cultivator!wwx, horny wangxian, lwj wants wwx to teach him how to be a good lover, ....wwx is a virgin, the porn is the plot, but there's less of it than i thought)

"I do not wish to leave my future spouse… dissatisfied with my intimate knowledge,” Lan Zhan says, very seriously. “I am hoping to find an instructor, to better prepare myself for such matters."

Wei Ying feels his mouth drop open. He's pretty sure the Second Jade of Lan just told him he's a virgin who wants to learn how to do sex good.

Rogue Cultivator Wei Wuxian is the stuff of local legends. Some of those legends are even true! The ones about his tremendous experience in bed, on the other hand, are not so true. Which becomes a problem when Lan Wangji, on the verge of an arranged marriage and worried he won’t know how to please his future spouse, enlists Wei Ying's help to teach him the art of love-making. Wei Ying's great at improvisation, though, and is pretty sure he's got this sex mentor thing under control. What could possibly go wrong

other aus

of god: my love unholy by tunnelodfawn (3K, tw blood / war, dark!lwj, god!wwx, kind of poetry)

Lan Zhan takes everything as a sign from his god. The blood staining his fingertips—a holy anointment. He sanctifies himself through blood. The strings of his guqin gleam red in the sun—a divine blessing. This is an instrument of destruction. A single note—a cry of power—and in this note the voice of his god unravels the earthly threads tethering man to earth.

The Yiling Patriarch blesses Lan Zhan with war. Wei Wuxian blesses Lan Zhan with agility. Wei Ying blesses Lan Zhan with love.

The base of the Yiling Patriarch’s shrine is the home of Lan Zhan’s knees. He worships. There is something of the blasphemous and the unholy in his prayers. He prays not for victory but for the sight of Wei Ying. Bless me with your presence, he begs.

Or, wherein, Lan Zhan bridges the gap between the mortal and the divine—the worshipper and the god—with blood.

the river and the sea by sasamelons / @sasamelons (7K, soulmate au, arranged marriage (wangxian with each other), they're both kind of dumb but i love it)

Lan Wangji gritted his teeth, wishing to just be left alone. "I am looking for my soulmate," he ground out.

"Oh."

It took Lan Wangji a few moments to realize that Wei Wuxian had stopped following him. When he looked back, the other boy seemed to be frozen to the spot, eyes wide and lips still parted. He quickly looked away when he saw Lan Wangji looking back. "I see. Well, have a good trip!"

--

At six years old, Lan Zhan met his soulmate on the streets of Yiling and promptly lost him again.

At sixteen years old, Lan Wangji met his betrothed and was determined not to like him.

[ofstarsandfireflies]

Okay! So, today is Mother’s Day and I decided to celebrate with one of my mum’s favourite movies.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Rhodey was getting married to Arno.

Tony was happy for them of course, why wouldn’t he be?

But then he saw who was going to be attending the wedding, more to the point who Arno had named as his best man.

It was Steve Rogers.

Tony’s ex and Rhodey’s best friend.

Well, Tony would show him.

He’d bring someone.

Someone who was better looking than Rogers, just to really rub it in.

And the only one he can think of who is willing to help him, is Stephen Strange, a relatively new friend who agrees to act as his fiancé for a fee.

While he meant it as a joke, Tony was more than willing to pay it.

He’d pay for his ticket to the wedding, he’d pay for any expenses he needed to make this plan work, just as long as Strange played along and made everyone believe they were together and madly in love and Tony wasn’t hung up on Steve at all.

So, of course when they meet, there’s already a dilemma with their chosen outfits.

They each chose a nice suit with a blue tie, and Tony doesn’t want them to match and make it seem like they’re trying too hard.

Stephen tries offering support but Tony isn’t hearing it as he looks through the few ties he’s brought, trying to find a nice one that will offset Stephen’s.

Stephen would roll eyes if it were anyone else, but this is Tony, and when he comes back out wearing a bow tie that suits him more than any tie, he can’t help but stare.

He offers a genuine compliment, one Tony wasn’t expecting, and they head to the party where the friends, family and Avengers invited to the wedding just a few days from now have gathered.

Tony introduces Stephen as his fiancé to everyone they meet and showing off the ring he’d gotten for this occasion.

At the bar, they finally find Tony’s brother and husband to be, and while he, Arno and Rhodey catch up, Stephen heads outside to get some fresh air.

It’s then a guest, staring at the trio, begins telling Stephen about how he’s in love with someone who’s here with someone else.

Stephen hadn’t been introduced to Rogers yet, but he can deduce this must be him just from their short conversation before Tony trots in and ignores him in favour of showering Stephen with his attention before acting like he’s just noticed his ex.

It’s fun, and Stephen plays along, making sure his hands are on Tony’s waist, pulling him closer into his body when Steve is looking, and soon the poor man makes his way to the bar alone.

When Tony asks him what they were talking about and Stephen confirms that Steve still has feelings for him, Tony is glad that his plan is working.

It’s only when they get to the motel everyone is staying at that they realise it only has the one bed and they need to share.

Stephen isn’t shy about sharing as Tony piles all the pillows he can find between them so no funny business can happen, and Stephen makes a flippant remark about sex costing extra, something which Tony stows away to use against him later.

Later, as it turns out, is the next morning because Tony had gone to have a shower to freshen up and hadn’t realised Stephen was already in there, naked as the day he was born and doing absolutely nothing to cover himself, giving Tony the grand view of everything before he could stop his eyes from wandering.

Tony manages to pull himself together while Stephen just chuckles to himself about the big bad playboy getting flustered, and Tony tries to turn this all back into Stephen, hoping he knows he has to keep his act up today.

Stephen knows, wrapping a towel around his waist for Tony’s benefit more so his own, and leaves the bathroom for Tony to use.

Today is a simple game of cricket, Rhodey’s team against Arno’s, and while Arno has both Tony and Stephen, Rhodey has Steve.

And, of course, Rhodey’s team is winning.

Tony can’t decide if he’d rather much lose the game for Steve, or win it to rub it in his face, Stephen making the choice for him when it’s his turn to bat, scoring a home run for their team.

Tony may enjoy Steve being a sore loser, but not as much as the feeling of jumping into Stephen’s arms to kiss him.

To make Steve jealous...of course.

And Stephen doesn’t really mind playing it up, but Tony’s starting to fall for his own game.

Not for Steve, but for Stephen.

Stephen would offer him compliments he’d never heard before.

Stephen would support him in the reason why he was here for this wedding of strangers, something Tony couldn’t turn to anyone else for.

After the game are the bachelor parties, Arno with his groomsmen and friends and Rhodey with his, only this time Stephen is dragged along with him instead of going with Tony.

Stephen keeps to himself at the party, barely noticing Steve glaring at him.

But at Arno’s party, things are a little awkward.

Not only is Tony incredibly drunk and has resolved himself to drawing out more money for Stephen afterwards for sex, but his brother is just as drunk as he is and talking about how he doesn’t deserve to get married.

When Tony asks him why not, Arno opens his mouth, seems to realise something, and quickly covers it up by saying how much he loves the song playing, making Tony chalk up the strange conversation to just being drunk and wedding insecurities.

The next day is dancing lessons, and Tony isn’t feeling up to it.

He has a killer headache from drinking so much that he can’t remember what the hell happened after the limo stopped at an atm for him to pull out the money.

The money which is still in his wallet.

The money which Stephen finds and begins an argument with Tony about because he does remember last night.

He remembers that he was more than willing to sleep with Tony without having to be paid for it, but now he’s more hurt that Tony would try to buy sex from him.

And when he relaises that Tony can’t remember their night together, that it was just a drunken hook up, the hurt just magnifies, as do their voices.

By the time they rock up to the lesson, tensions are strung high and their aeguing has settled into a cold silence, either wishing to speak to each other or look or even touch the other.

It when the two grooms are getting into their dancing positions, Tony realises Stephen has yet to make a move

So, much more aggressively than is needed, he grabs his hand and places it on his waist as the music begins to play.

Seeing this as a call to arms for another fight, Stephen lifts his leg a little too high and trips Tony up.

Tony is not having it, slamming his foot down on Stephen’s, making him push him away.

But Tony clings to his hand and pulls him back in to dance with him.

And just like that, their fight is over.

They’re laughing, actually enjoying themselves as Stephen twirls Tony around.

And once the lesson is over, Tony takes the time to stop worrying about Steve and start listening to Stephen, who tells him anything he wants to know, being more open with him than he’s ever been with anyone.

It’s at lunch later on that everything falls apart.

When they get there, Arno is missing and Stephen decides to help look for him, heading to the lake house the Starks own.

And that’s where he finds him.

Sitting on the couch, crying.

When they get back, both Rhodey and Tony are glad to see him, Arno just telling them he lost track of time.

Tony asks Stephen if he’s ok because he’s got this weird look on his face, but he just nods and smiles.

It’s nothing. And nothing that Tony should be worried about either.

Lunch can finally progress as intended with all guests accounted for, and in the middle of it, Tony decides to go to the cellar and grab some more bottles of wine.

Stephen offers to take the empty ones, heading to the cellar too to drop them off.

Then he sees Tony and Steve talking.

And he can’t help but overhear how Tony tells Steve that he’s over him and they should just enjoy themselves, smiling as he leaves.

It’s as Tony grabs the second bottle of wine to take back with him that Steve finally tells him what he’s been holding back this entire time.

That he’d cheated on Tony with his brother.

Tony stops walking.

Stops breathing.

Sways a little as he tries to register what Steve has just said.

Is still saying.

That they’d broken up because Steve wanted to be with Arno.

That Arno has been cheating on Rhodey with him.

That he couldn’t stand it when Rhodey had proposed because he was in love with Arno.

And Tony just feels sick.

He manages to get back to where his friends and family are, but one look at Tony’s face and then Steve’s makes them all realise that he’d told him.

They’d all known about it and had kept it from him.

And Arno is giving him the biggest wide eyed stare because Rhodey doesn’t know and he doesn’t want him to know the day before their wedding.

Tony immedietly finds Stephen, who wraps him up in a hug just as Arno yells at him for telling Tony the truth.

And Tony goes rigid in his arms, looking up at him as if hoping Arno is lying about Stephen knowing.

But what he sees only makes him push him away.

He knew?

He knew too and hadn’t told him?

Tony just turns around and leaves, yelling at Stephen to piss off when he tries to chase after him, to take his money and go because that’s all this was for him, that’s all Tony was to him.

And it’s not true, Stephen wants to tell him it’s not true, but Tony is not listening.

So, he does as Tony tells him.

He packs his things and calls for a flight home, Rhodey telling him to sleep on it because he and Tony have got a good thing between them and he shouldn’t give that up because they had a fight, giving him the key to the lake house to stay in for the night.

As Stephen is agreeing to stay a little longer, Arno is trying to patch things up with his brother, who is not in the mood because his lying, cheating brother is getting married tomorrow to a man who still has no idea his fiancé was cheating on him.

If Arno wants to do the right thing here, he’ll tell Rhodey the truth before they get married. But he knows he won’t, because he’d rather have Rhodey backed into a marriage with him and not spoil his special day.

And when Arno leaves in tears, Tony doesn’t care.

The day of the wedding, the day for Arno and Rhodey, Tony heads to the lake house hoping to find Stephen and apologise, and only finding an envelope filled with the money Tony had given him for this trip.

Stephen was gone.

On his way home.

And he probably would have kept going if he hadn’t seen Rhodey chasing after Steve Rogers, yelling at the top of his lungs about how he’d trusted him.

They sit and talk about the Starks in their lives, both realising they love them and head back to the wedding.

Tony goes to apologise, but Stephen gets in first, telling him exactly how he feels.

He loves him, and he’s not leaving.

He can’t, he’s the best man now.

Quotes -

“I know how important this is for you. But remember, you’re a beautiful woman and uh, you got everything in the world going for you.”

“Don’t patronise me. I feel like crap and if I’m gonna feel like crap I wanna look hot doing it.”

“Mission accomplished.”

“Really? Don’t get too attached.”

Stephen seeing how good Tony looks and Tony brushing off his flirting as if he doesn’t really mean it.

“Oh, god. It’s just...well, there’s this girl that...I care for...well, I suppose you could say I love her. Bugger is of course she’s here with some other guy.”

“Here you are!”

“Hey Kat!...Hey Kat!”

“Oh! Hey yourself. I see you’ve met my ex!”

“I was just telling him how we met.”

Stephen playing along to make Steve jealous

“Close your eyes. You’re safe, you can relax. I’m not gonna kiss you. He’s gonna be sorry he lost you, so, stop worrying. Forget the past. Forget the pain. And remember what an incredible woman you are. You do that, and he’ll realise what he lost.”

“Holy crap. You’re worth every penny.”

Stephen needing to drill into Tony’s head that he’s amazing and his plan will work

“I didn’t deserve her back then.”

“And you do now?”

Steve and Rhodey talking about the wrong people

“You know what pisses me off? I’ve been spilling my guts all weekend and I don’t know anything about you.”

“I’m allergic to fabric softener. And I majored in comparative literature at Brown. I hate anchovies...and I think I’d miss you, even if we never met.”

Tony and Stephen bonding

“Listen when we were fighting, I thought this was over. And I was gonna leave you alone and just...take off but...then I realised. I’d rather fight with you than make love with anyone else.”

Stephen when he realises just how badly he’s fallen for Tony.

Plus One

Tony and Stephen have to pretend to be in a relationship so Tony’s ex can see he’s moved on.

Only...the acting starts to become more than just simple pretending.

January, February

Missed a Day? Catch up here!

Day 1 Day 2 Day 3 Day 4 Day 5

Day 6 Day 7 Day 8

[al-n-cartoons]

Character Notes for "The Multiverse in a Blender"

Some of these characters are fairly similar in personality and how they speak, so I've been trying to figure out each way their personalities divulge. Please add onto this if you come up with anything (it would be helpful!).

Ben Tennyson: Easy go lucky, cheery, a person-pleaser, has a bit of a vanity streak, is sporty, is dorky, is very overworked, gets bored easily (I'm writing him as having ADHD and OCD), is a fantastic actor/schemer/opertunist. Puts his work above his health. Has an eidetic memory. Is an Aroflux omnisexual. His fashion tastes are a blend of punk and sporty, but the former isn't very socially acceptable in most settings so he tends to keep it to himself.

Rex Salazar: Is sporty, funny, and a bit temperamental. Has a definit rebellious streak and is impulsive, but has a rock-solid understanding of right and wrong. Basically, he'd be the one to punch someone in the face if he felt they deserved it. Is a heterosexual.

Bubbles: Overly excitable, naive, loves life and everything in it. Isn't very book smart, but is a force on the battle field (brute force, like Rex and Buttercup). Is a follower. Loves animals and violence (gets along well with Rex). She's a bit fascinated with the darker aspects of life, but is so cheery that most people view her aggression on the battle field as being ditzy. Is family and friend oriented. Is an aromantic asexual.

Buttercup: Has clearer morals than Bubbles and, although she is a definite punk, is overall less violent than Bubbles. Is competitive (hello, Ben and Rex) and wants to be sporty ("Ben, HOW DO YOU PLAY SOCCER!?). Is a bit rebellious and rude, but does wind up doing as Blossom instructs. Admires Ben's prowess in battle, and is learning from him how to tone down her destructiveness (which is a trait nearly all of her siblings naturally possess per the nature of their powers). Has never thought of her sexuality, and doesn't care to label herself. If she likes a guy, gal, etcetera, she likes 'em.

Blossom: the Sadsap charged with keeping her haywire siblings in check. Loves books, romance novels, and baking. Tries to be nice, but is also a realist (That painting is very colorful, Bubbles, but maybe we should keep the red inside of the people, okay?). Is very interested in healthy eating and loves trying to incorporate healthy stuff into her experimental baked goods (she doesn't use sugar or lipids very much, so her cooking tends to flop per taste and failure to hold in moisture). Is quizzical, sharp, and an opportunist. Isn't afraid to pummel someone if she felt there was need enough ("either you give me the code to disarm the bomb, or I turn your face into pulp.") She is a complete gay-panic.

Bliss: The oldest and second to least emotionally mature sister of the bunch. She tries to lead, but doesn't really know what she's doing. Loves to fight and can access her powers easily, but can't keep them from blowing up on people. Is prone to emotional outbursts and, per the nature of her powers, this is to her detriment. Isn't sociable and hates crowded places. Loves her siblings to bits and loves to bring Bubbles pieces of her foes (rocks, scales, strips of metal that had impaled them) to commemorate her victories. Thinks Danny's the sweetest little thing ("You like space? We can go there, like, right this second. 1-2-3 *zooms away, leaving a confused Danny behind*"). Ace and aro.

Dexter: The adopted brother of Bliss, Buttercupe, Blossom, and Bubbles. Is short-tempered and tends to sulk. Is inventive and technical; a fantastic creator of weaponry and anything of the like. Has a one-sided crush on Ben, but denies so much as liking the guy. Loves coffee but doesn't like to eat much, going so far as creating nutrition pills so as to bypass the affair ("The activity which you are suggesting, Blossom, is a waste of time.") Is a homosexual.

Danny Phantom: Is snarky and has a sardonic personality. Is more serious than some of his cohorts (looking at you, Rex and Bubbles) but loves to wisecrack and is VERY sassy. Is also extremely platonic, loving and trusting his two best friends (Sam and Tucker) with his life. Has a dorky flair for astronomy, and can recognize essentially every constellation in the sky (as well as quite a few of their stories). Has a crush in a character from his hometown, Valerie. Would punch someone in the face as payback, then forgive them for whatever they'd done to upset him or someone else. Is a trans heterosexual (bicurious, perhaps biromantic, but is not bisexual). Has claustrophobia.

Zak Saturday: Exceedingly compassionate and family-oriented, as well as highly skilled in hand-to-hand combat and strategizing. Is very ingenious. Enjoys teasing and joking around, but will also nag someone if he thinks they're being idiotic (this makes it so that he and Rex are a bit at odds with one another). Is also great at finding common ground/compromising. Basically, he'd be the one fixing someone's broken nose and explaining to them where they went wrong, then give them a lollipop. Is dating Ben (they started at age 12) and gets along great with Blossom. Is pansexual.

Connie Maheswaran: Is both people smart and book smart, but lacks quite a bit of street knowledge. Is a considerable combatant, and has a quick wit, but would rather focus on the task at hand than joke around (she calls Danny and Ben out over this). Is kind and understanding, but not a pushover. Has a good head in her shoulders, and is good with details. After their universes fuse, she may take her various skills (hand-to-hand combat, acute intellect, interest in outer space) and apply them to the Plumbers as a long-term career.

Dipper Pines: Family-oriented, not very sociable with people of his age group. Is insecure around the others listed here (baring Mabel, for obvious reasons); sees himself as inferior since he's an intellectual and is incapable on the actual battle field (his words, not mine). Is incredibly smart, a technical thinker, and has a fantastic memory. Is a bi disaster half the time. LOVES to strategize and plot out the how and why for any problem. Loves gaming. Bites off more than he can chew. Keeps Mabel from hurting herself more often than either of them are willing to admit ("Mabel, that's a garbage disposal, not a slide. Mabe-MABEL!!!?") is a panromantic heterosexual. Has a long-distance relationship with Pacifica, but both of them are equally supportive so it's worked out thus far.

Mabel Pines: Family and friend oriented, is a bi disaster. Is an obscene romantic, which tends to leave her with her heart crushed, but she bounces back after a day or two. Is considerably strong, considering the fact that she's entirely human with no combat training, and is learning how to use hand-held weapons. Isn't very intuitive, but is very interpersonally smart. Is an animal lover, owning a pet pig and cat ("Dipper, look, my babies are cuddling!") (I didn't add the cat in, guys; episode one).

Steven Universe: Is the human teddy bear. He is a pacifist, meaning that he refuses to start fights or violence but isn't afraid to save someone from another or themselves. Tries to fix every problem but his own. Is a compulsive overexplainer and apologizer. His best friend is a lion, so people tend not to mess with him. Also, Lion likes to just lie atop Steven's van when they go places. He is compassionate, caring, loving, trusting, and has mommy issues (and also slight daddy issues, but barely). Trauma baby who only wants his girlfriend to succeed and for her to be happy (preferably with him nearby, but he tries to give her a respectful distance). He is a panromantic asexual.

Is that everyone? I think that's everyone.

Edit: I forgot Steven, guys. Had to edit him in.

[dudebroreg]

As someone who so far is pleased that Reggie is Hiram’s righthand man and as someone who’s been waiting for more of Reggie getting to fill roles that are more faithful to him, I find it interesting that a lot of the immediate reaction from people who have wanted better treatment for his character for awhile are going the route of “he deserves better than this plot/y’all are really villainizing him again like that?/Reggie bby when are these writers going to give you justice?” etc.

When are the writers going to give him justice” is definitely valid in general, but I don’t think that means what some think it means. It’s also interesting that there are people who ARE more versed in his character in other material who have more of a “oh that makes sense, kinda fits, let’s see where it goes” reaction.

I know that the Reggie that much of the Riverdale fandom prefers is the goofy buddy who stands supportively with his friends and sometimes says something funny and dimwitted. And I know that in the episodes where he’s not doing much else, seeing him patting Archie on the back and going on about how they’re all just the broest of bros and true bro love and hugging Sweet Pea (with no explanation of when and how they became pals) makes for good gif content and headcanons and just feels good. But story wise and in respect to doing “justice” to how big of a deal the character of Reggie Mantle is supposed to be? All of that stuff is nothing.

The episodes where he’s doing the above things, if you notice, are the episodes where he’s not really a part of the story on his own merits, so he’s put in the group and I guess aesthetically people are fond of that inoffensive supportive guy, but I promise you that that’s the shitty Reggie Lite neutered version of him.

Notice that in the episodes where he is more significant in the story, he’s a cocky asshole, he’s an elitist, he seems to think he’s better than nerds and weirdos and outcasts (people who look as small to him outwardly as he feels inwardly), he is determined to prove he’s better than Archie, and he’s kind of in the way of the core four in some of the lighter high school based conflicts. Even in the episode that shines a light on the abuse he suffers at home - his most sympathetic episode - he lashes out by being a jerk to Mad Dog, being an obnoxious mess at a house party, and lashing out at Archie for trying to help him (note: Arch put him in a dangerous situation by publicly calling out his abuser like that, but I don’t think that was the intended point of Reggie’s freakout. I think Reggie was just feeling too vulnerable/bared/humiliated for being seen as a victim in a space where he is supposed to be the alpha male, so he took it out by being physically aggressive with the person trying to “save” him, therefore reasserting his “manhood”).

He is a TV bad boy, but clearly not bad in the same way Bret or Hiram are bad. He can be sweet, he really loves Archie, really fell deeply for Veronica, once he has your back he stays having your back, and he’s always down for the right side at the end after he realizes he doesn’t have to prove whatever he thought he had to prove. That is Reggie Mantle.

Consider Archie and Reg two sides of the same coin. If you forget about their more defining personality traits and their family life, they’re... kinda the same, aren’t they? Popular, athletic, girl crazy, strive to be #1 at whatever they set their sights on... They even stan the same girl (that’s “girls” plural in many of the comics but I will not hold my breath for any Beggie here). They both have some inherent leadership qualities that can lead people to follow either, though Archie seems to use that in a more constructive manner whereas Reggie has in the past used his “boys” to tear shit up and bully outcasts.

If Archie was less humble, maybe a little more insecure and had less positive influences in his life, he’d be more like Reggie. If Reggie had more humility, had more positive influences in his life and didn’t feel that he has to always fight to be seen, he’d be more like Archie. Which also means that just the slightest change of circumstances could have made Archie go the Reggie route. And being Hiram’s righthand guy? That’s the actual path Archie was starting to go down in season 2, isn’t it? Isn’t it kind of perfect then that Reggie took that spot, especially since he probably went 7 years without what little positive influence he did have before?

What I’m interested in now is Reg’s motivations, what I’m sure will be great on screen chemistry between him and Hiram, and then watching him (as he always does) find his heart. That means so much more than if he was another old friendly face sitting with Archie at the Whyte Wyrm who probably wouldn’t say much other than “community college was hard but I stuck by it! I guess I’m not as stupid as everyone thinks! Now I sell used cars! Life is chill! Sick lats bro!”. And then his friends would go, “good for you, Reg! We knew you had it in you!” and then they’d move on to relevant things in the plot. Yaay?

No, bitch. He took the seat at the dark side table that Archie wouldn’t, and now has an actual journey ahead of him to be in his old friend’s good graces again.

Could it be rushed? Could he go so far that it’s hard for the audience to forgive him even when he’s supposed to be redeemed, and they kinda gloss over the depth of his betrayal before he’s with the good guys again? Sure! But you could say something like that for anything (N. E. THING) Riverdale does, so for now, I think this is a really solid choice.

And, in the meantime, on a VERY relevant note, do not even act like him and Hiram are not fuckin’ drippin’ swagu together, strutting around in cool black suits doing boss shit. Don’t even ACT like that.

[kittypancake]

About Rise of the TMNT - Long Post (sorry, but I need to geek out)

I always kinda liked the tmnt series, though I was always teased and bullied about it. So I never really...watch a lot of it, unless I could find a way to do it secretly. Now that I’m older, I realized something. I can watch whatever I want, whenever I want! I have a lot to catch up on, but my internalized fear from all the bullying has kinda been hard to get passed. I haven’t watched the shows I wanted to, holding it off for “tomorrow”, yet never following through.

Then a couple months ago I saw some fan art for a series called Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

I had no clue about the show! I didn’t know they made another Tmnt after the 2012 version! I was shocked, but also hopeful. Maybe I could watch it, start off fresh with a series that isn’t full of hurtful memories.

Let me tell you, it was not easy. I didn’t know where to watch it! I don’t have cable, nor do I know anyone who has cable. So no Nickelodeon or NickToons. I heard it was in Netflix, so I asked my sister if I could use her account to check. Not there. I was feeling really frustrated at that point. I wanted to watch this show so badly, and the more fan art I saw (because let’s be real, I didn’t see any sort of advertising for this), the more excited I was.

I loved the designs! They all looked different, more than ever! Each being a different kind of turtle, and Raphael was the leader? How would that change the dynamic? I wanted to know!

After searching for so long, I finally found Philo. It’s...not that good honestly. It’s like $20! But I was desperate and willing to pay to watch just this one show.

And I’m glad I did! It’s amazing! I fell in love. Usually, I only really liked Leonardo. To me, he always seemed awesome. Raphael...he always scared me. I have a deep seated fear for anyone who is aggressive, yells, and shows anger. And Raphael was ANGER. He terrified me. Donatello was alright, I liked how smart he is but he felt...one note and super creepy to me in the 2012 version. Michelangelo was pretty neat, he was the goofball. But he was always played off as the dumb one, the one who accidentally succeeded and couldn’t be serious. That’s not bad, he and Donnie were alright to me.

In Rise, though, it was so much more. Leo is a teen! He’s snarky, punny, smart, and just loves his brothers so much. They are his strength, and it shows. He’s insecure, he’s more than “fearless leader, splinter jr”. He’s neon Leon! You can tell he loves his brothers, more than any other interation before this. Leonardo of the before times has always been a bit too detached, cold in a way. He was isolated, but now he can just be more relaxed. Spend more time with his bros, find things he loves to do. And he’s still a nerd! I love that. Plus he’s not oldest!!! He’s like...maybe second youngest, and I just aaaaaaaaaaaa.

Raph? He’s a sweetheart!~ A gentle giant who could and will hug all his brothers at once. He tries his best as leader, but still has the “I will punch first” mentality, but he doesn’t scare me. He’s there for his brothers, maybe too much so he tries to step back a bit to help them be more independent. He’s literally their mother hen now, and he’s good at it. For once, I can honestly say I love Raphael.

Donnie is a riot, I love what they did with him. He’s the funny one! He’s smart, yes, but he’s confident (in his knowledge) now. He’s fun, he’s adorable (do I need to remind everyone of the basketball flashback of him? That’s cute and relatable), and he loves to dance! You can tell, not even by his bootyyyshaker9000 name, but by how he moves throughout the series. He builds so much for his family as well, giving them gifts that he thinks would be helpful, but they also blow up in his face too and that’s kinda humbling to know he’s not a perfect genius all the time. He tries to hold in emotions, but we see them come out and it’s just nice to see. He’s a sassy guy, and I love him.

Mikey, oh my gosh, he’s perfect. He’s still a ray of sunshine, but he’s more! He has more to him now, he has sides to him to help him be helpful both emotionally and with strength. Dr Feelings is there to be the shoulder everyone could go to, Dr Delicate Touch will crush you and not even blink while doing so. He can still be a prankster, but now it feels like he’s more. And I love his interactions with his brothers. I feel like him and Leo get in a bunch of shenanigans, him and Donnie go on a lot of adventures, and Raph and him can bond though he wants to not be treated like a baby. Did I mention he’s awesome? He’s awesome, throwing around trucks and stuff like nothing!

Don’t even get me started on the rest of the characters or I will ramble on for an eternity because of how much I love them. Even the bad guys! I’ve never liked the bad guys before but Draxum? Warren Stone? The SHREDDER? I love them so much, for character design and story. For how it’s not always as it seems, for the redemptions. Splinters development was fun to experience too. Having a positive message where a parent can do wrong and actually apologize to their kids for it? We need more of that! I’m slipping into a rant. Short of it, April, Sunita, Foot Recruit, Casey, Foot clan, Big Mama, I love them all.

I’m very upset that we didn’t get to see the story as the Rottmnt crew wanted, missing what was it? 13 episodes? And one of them was a turtle tots! Another with Draxum and Raph bonding!! More time with Karai! That’s messed up.

I want to experience more. I want to get lost in their world more, l want to be happy.

Because that’s what this show is for me. It makes me happy, in a time where my depression just keeps attacking me constantly. Where there’s fear outside, where I’m not motivated to do anything, even drawing which is something I love. I got lost in the mystic world of Rise. In the characters, the awesome animation, the wonderfully beautiful scenery and story. The silliness actually made me laugh out loud multiple times, and it felt amazing. Still feels amazing every time I can rewatch. It helped me cry, and not feel alone. Because sometimes you really need to get those tears out.

I want so badly for this show to continue. To rewind and give us those missing episodes, to continue afterwards.

This isn’t even all I want to say, but it’s hard to put into words how I feel for this show. And I shouldn’t make this any longer. Thank you to the people in this fandom, for the Rottmnt crew, and for anyone else listening. I strongly recommend you give this show a watch and support it in anyway you can.

@nickelodeon @tmnt

[searchingforbucky]

Fic Recs (Part 12) :)

Welcome to the ABO fic rec list! I just want to clarify this is not for werewolf AUs, this is A/B/O dynamic. This also has been highly recommended and I’m so sorry it took me so long, i was struggling about whether or not to include the smuts that are like, no plot lol. But I decided I will, they will just be separated. The first part is stories that are not solely focused on smut, and the second set are ones where smut drives the story. Its super long, I hope you guys like it :) 

Heart & Soul by @all1e23

Okay so I know everyones read this, and if you haven’t……do it right now. But I feel like I would burst into flames if I didn’t include this. This story, is absolutely one of the best things I’ve ever read. I would read it 51284823 times if I could. The relationship between these two, is just the burst thing. Theres no ulterior motive, he loves her and will do anything he can to protect her, she is learning to love and trust him. There is nothing more beautiful. Its a slow burn, but thats what it should be. It perfectly builds their relationship into what it is now, which is something that I can only hope to get. Allie is an artist with all of her works, but this one is just so special.

Better Like This by @simam12

You know what else this has besides Alpha!Bucky???? Detective Bucky and  reader! Hell YEs !!!! This story is fantastic, I Absolutely LOVE this premise and the slowish build of their relationship. And the badass omega!!! YES!!!!! Supportive yet protective Bucky!!! yEs!!! God its just so good!

Step With Me by @kentuckybarnes

if you want a slow burn that is fantastically good and has fluff, and slight angst? Ohhhh buddy is this the one for you. I love the reader’s personality and Bucky’s patience. It makes the slow build to love so so worth it. This is a A/B/O story that is about more then sex. It being about the right to choose who to be with, when to be with them, and in what capacity, and its beautiful. 

Just Try by @waiting4inspiration

Oh man, now this one, what a series. So action-packed, so many twists and turns, any time you think things have calmed down? NOPE somethings gonna hurt lol. But its just so, so good. And its long so it has a lot of time to build these wonderful characters and this universe and this family, I miss getting updates for this, I was always so excited to find out what happened. I always love stories where the female lead is really independent and strong. Its nice to see. Super, super well done, highly recommend. Also check out their fic The Red Cloak

Some Alpha by @propertyofpoeandbucky

God I am straight up in love with this story. Its actually about Chubby Alpha Bucky and Beta reader which is so cool and unique, it’s always so awesome to find for different and this fic it’s just like the thing for me. Their dynamic is so cute, you have independent beta reader, insecure and infatuated bucky, it just leads to a love that so pure and not guided by power complexes and its actually really plot twisty lol. Love it. 

 Pint Sized Protection Squad by @shy-violet-soul

You wanna read probably the cutest most tooth rotting fluff ever? Well this is it. This is absolutely the fluffiest fluff to ever fluff, and its absolutely amazing. You get big protective bucky surrounded by pups and little babies being protective of the reader and bucky not knowing what to do, I cannot even begin to explain how close I got to legitimately squealing. 

Bound To My Broken Soul by @captain-ariel-barnes

I love this one, I just really like stories that give a glimpse into the Winter Soldier. He is aggressively soft in this, which may be OOC but who cares I love it lol. You juts really feel for Bucky, you want to give him a hug and let him be happy. He is such a sweet boy who gets so much bad thrown at him :( anyways, super well done fic, absolutely loved it.

Not My Scent by @stevenssrogers

We love a jealous!bucky and possessive!bucky ! I love mutual pining stories too! And this is the cutest combination of them. Bucky is crushing hard on his girl, his girl is crushing hard on him back, are they gonna do anything about it? Of course not! Not until bucks jealousy overrides his common sense lol. This story is just really cute, really well done, and the dynamic between ALL of the characters is really fitting. (Im talking about Tony messing with Buck lol)

By Chance by @green-eyeddragonfanfiction​

My heart! My soul! This was, just, perfectly beautiful. So well balanced with emotion. It’s completely unrushed and captivating. The dynamic between bucky and threader is perfect, we need more independence and actually choosing to invest in a relationship instead of the author basically forcing them into one lol. SO awesome, and so well done.

Project lure by @itscaptainyoulittlemaggot

This one was so unique, and I really like the rawness of it. It represented the situation and subject really well, there was no romanticizing but it was still a beautiful story. super awesome. Broke and forced to choose between food and your suppressants, you sign up for a drug trial that promises a lifetime supply along with a fat pay check. However, all is not as it seems as you unwittingly become caught up in Hydra’s latest experiment

Did You Just Growl by @welldonebeca

This is a short but sweet, and funny Drabble. I love seeing protective Bucky with a crush, its adorable. It makes me want to wrap him up in a blanket and never let go. Love this. 

Okay, so these are the smuts. its hard for me to fic rec smut, because I don’t know what to say other than its written well and its hot lol. SO I’m gonna include the summaries so you guys know what its about. I hope thats okay :)

Too Close by @theycallmebucky

Alpha!Bucky lends a hand to Omega!Reader during her heat. Hell yeah Bucky is a perfect alpha, the second I read the first line I was all in haha. We all know I love protective possessive bucky and ohhhhh baby is this a great example. He wants to help his girl, who isn’t really is girl lol. This one was really well written, detailed, and not rushed. 

Accident or Fate? By @asirenscalling

This one is so cute. Its not smut with no plot, but It is over half smut id say. I don’t know what it is about like, weird fated get togethers that just automatically make a story a favorite, but it really does. I loved how this one isn’t like, we accidentally mated so lets just tough it out, like they had this genuine connection. The sun was nice too if you know what I mean lol. One morning you, an omega, wake up next to the an alpha you only met the night before with a bonding mark on your neck.  What are you going to do now?

Comfort by @thottybarnes

This one I loved because there was just this awesome dynamic between the characters. You see them before the smut, and he really just cares for the reader, he wants her to be okay and happy and this smut wasn’t driven by anything other than wanting to make his girl feel good. Jealous/possessive Bucky comforts you, his (not yet) omega that is struggling with the results of a recent mission.

Animals Awaken by @221bshrlocked

This one isn’t mainly smut, but its filthy lol, so I needed to add it here haha. Really good though, I loved the sort of enemies to lovers vibe, its all about that sexual tension yo! Bucky forgets to take his suppressants in time during a mission with you. You offer your help but he rejects, afraid that he’d hurt you because it’s his first rut since decades. And well, you know the rest. Also check out the start of their other fic called Thought You Were Mine

The Chase by @firewolf-marvels

This one is really cool, I like the thriller aspect of the first part, and then you find out that its like, a thing in their relationship. It really sets up the dynamic of their relationship well. Werewolf AU. You’re being chased and it ends up getting heated 

Alpha by @misssavenger

You go into heat earlier than you had anticipated. This one is basically all smut, but that doesn’t mean its not good! Its really good! And sweet, and really well written. I love the fact that Bucky didn’t want to take advantage of her, but they’re meant to be together so its okay lol. 

Alpha, Please by @welldonebeca

This one is super good, and its an Omega!Bucky!! So Cool! Bucky experiences his first heat after being held captive for so long. You help him, and you finally mate. 

Do You Want To Have An Alpha by @welldonebeca

Here they are again with another awesome unique pairing, this one is Beta!Reader. When you confess to Bucky that you’ve never been with an Alpha, he offers to show you what it feels like. 

And even though I know its not Bucky, theres this really awesome Alpha!Chris Beck story by @after-avenging-hours called Stardust that I HIGHLY recommend. 

I hope you all love these fics as much as I do! :)

[that-bi-bitch-writes]

My Favs... and possibly why

(Haikyuu, My Hero Academia, Jujutsu Kaisen)

Haikyuu!!

1. Iwaizumi- tbh if you think it’s because I find him hot you are partially correct. but like he is a multitalented athlete who cares about his friends(strangers too) and despite having all the traits of a strong leader he spends his time supporting and helping others and is passionate about it marry me now. He strong also. My haikyuu husband

2. Kenma- Anxious gamer boy supports nerdy friend, in his passion finds joy in it, is incredibly smart/perceptive, hot , awkward, puts his all in the things he likes doing. everyone says he’s not baby he’s aggressive, chaotic and would not hesitate to fight but that is what makes him MY baby.

3. Noya- Hello what show are you watching if you don’t like nishinoya?? although he is very energetic and it would exhaust me at time he’s talented, pretty, passionate, shorter than me, loving and motivating. I want to be the kiyoko or asahi in his eyes. that look in his eyes. I want it to be for me.also i want to go on a gay trip around the world with him no fair asahi

4. Asahi- Trope subversion yes please. Give me my big softie who is a ball of anxiety but a normal teenager even though he looks so tough and mature i love him so much and he’s strong and reliable and would support you in whatever you’re doing come on what is there not to like (besides his new design) i want him to smile for me and design some clothes for me.

5. Tie for Hinata and Bokuto- Idk i don’t have that shounen mc aversion so i love loud passionate babies. Hinata is not my favorite but I haven’t seen the whole series and I think i can fall in love with him a little more because he’s adorable and passionate and hardworking look at him why would I hate him. Bokuto is like hinata if hinata had his personality put in a bigger body. It’s a little more unstable in the bigger body but still fun and so amazing. beefy.

honorable mentions: Aone & Ushijima: Asahi in different fonts. Suga: I would marry him if he asked but in terms of fav characters he narrowly missed top 5. Tendou & Kyotani: They are seen as scary but i don’t find them scary and want to tame them and have them for myself. Matsukawa: Hot. you need anything else?

 Jujutsu Kaisen:

1. Yuji Itadori- He is SO CUTEEE. Hellooooo are you watching jujutsu kaisen? like I know you’re all unnecessarily horny for Gojo and Sukuna but no one is better than Yuji. He is sweet and cute and considerate and loving and trusting and a beautiful himbo. He is adaptable, welcoming, passionate, and he’s like one of the only characters i know who says “i don’t want to kill because I value human life but one day I will have to. Until then I am going to look for other ways” He accepts the darkness of the world and that he is going to be put in a difficult position. He is not on the “killing people is always bad no matter what situation you’re in” train. I dislike those people. 

2)Teenage Gojo and Geto- to avoid spoilers I’m just gonna say icons. mwah

3) Nobara- I am not a gay disaster I am a bi/pan disaster. All other men (except the ones above) pale in comparison to this wonderful woman. She is chaotic, badass, smart, amazing wonderful talented gorgeous where was I going with this. Anyway when she was fighting that one guy and she was whooping his ass it was amazing (this happens i would say often so it’s not a spoiler)

4) Nanami: I feel better about him than Reigen Arataka but they are similar. Nanami wants Yuji to be a child, though he respects Yuji and recognizes his power and passion. He wants kids to be able to be kids and let the adults handle the big problems. Unlike reigen he actually realizes when he can’t handle everything by himself and the kids will be put into hard and horrible positions so he teaches/advises. Also he hates working as he should

5) Megumi: He is cute and i love his non gendered preference for good people. plus i think his animals are cool. He is respectful and cares a lot, i like how his bad backstory affects him but doesn’t control/motivate him. pretty dry otherwise

honorable mention: Adult gojo: cutie! Junpei: no words. Sukuna: bastard but likeable

BNHA/ My Hero

1. Aizawa- Did you think I would put anyone else in the number one spot? please. Aizawa Shouta is my one and true husband above all fandoms. This man is hot, all other words for attractive, gorgeous, funny, sleep deprived passionate (“really cool”-shigaraki) he cares about his students, regular people and i think a little bit for people who become villains out of necessity. I have read the manga and vigilantes and oh my god he is such a great hero and so strong ugh. Him and the kitty in vigilates 10/10. He is a true hero and I think he’s better than all might

2) Bakugou- It took me a long road to get here but I am 100% a bakugou fan. When he was in middle school I wanted to beat the crap out of him and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one. He took things too far. But then I started to think about his life and i’m 100% sure I would’ve become a villain in like season 4. He matured, and became a strong willed passionate person who cares about saving people over proving his worth and I know that was hard for him. I dare say he had even more character growth than anyone else in the series that stuff speaks to me. It definitely doesn’t hurt that he’s attractive

3) Shinso- I think I saw a tiktok where people were confused how we like shinso so much after seeing so little of him and I was so confused as to how his little screen time wasn’t enough for y’all??? Traumatic backstory? pretty hair? sleep deprivation? strong motives and an amazing quirk? sarcasm and cutthroat attitude to get where he wants but he refrains from violating people too much? he is like aizawa and bakugou mixed together and then given some insecurities what’s there not to like

4) Midoriya- He’s a really cool MC i’m gonna be honest. He just isn’t my favorite person in the series. He’s a hard worker, brave, strong, admirable, adorable, and sweet. he can also get violent and lets loose and cares about people. I for one am really glad to see him living out his dream and thinks he’ll be fantastic

5) Amajiki & Kirishima- These two are the opposites of each other but make up for it and make great work partners. Amajiki is cute and shy with a lot of anxieties but he’s powerful and smart and can take control of a situation very quickly once he makes his mind up. He is wonderful i love him. Kirishima is handsome and bold showing off his strength and charisma but he has a lot of insecurities about inaction yet he can be great support especially when he’s got a good partner/leader fighting with him (bakugou, fatgum, amajiki). An he’s sweet and amazing

honorable mention: Twice: He is caring and so sweet and i love him, also he’s hot. Iida: loosen up a little class rep, you’re smart and semi adaptable, you are passionate and pretty handsome too. Present Mic: amazing talented brilliant showstopping. the only other person who can have aizawa. 

[kiruuuuu]

Thank you for both your kind words as well as that wonderful mental image, anon 💝 :) I’m hella excited you enjoy this ship as well, so I hope you like reading about Blackbeard slowly going mad! (Rating T, BB sure loves rambling, ~4.8 words) - this contains references to underage sex!

.

Goyo is slowly but surely driving him insane.

The man is a fucking enigma. He might as well wear a question mark as his face because it’d tell Blackbeard just as much about his current mood or thoughts or expectations or hopes or fears as his actual face does (though he’s glad Goyo’s face is his actual face, seeing as it’s quite nice to look at, which isn’t to imply he’d like Goyo any less if he had no face, but it’d make kissing him a lot more complicated).

When he met him, Blackbeard thought him to be one of those quiet, cool guys who are just good at their job, and when they’re not at their job, they phase from existence because their job is all they are. Which is fine with Blackbeard. Some of his colleagues are like that: when anyone asks them about their hobbies, they’re hard pressed to come up with a reply since work isn’t a hobby, and neither is preparing for work.

But the moment Goyo first opened his mouth, Blackbeard realised his first impression couldn’t have been more wrong, because he sounds calm and sophisticated and confident and it instantly throws him off kilter. No, this isn’t some genius, this is one of those dudes who can’t take a joke, who think themselves better than everybody else, who react to things they deem profane not with honest opinions but rather thinly-veiled condescension, and they’re the worst. They’re the ones with whom Blackbeard has never gotten along, seeing as he was never sure whether they kept him around to secretly make fun of him, or out of misplaced pity, or to become more popular, or because they’re too awkward to be openly rude.

They’re the ones he can’t read. They never laugh along. They quietly sit next to him until someone calls on them and then they effortlessly trump him with whatever they have to say.

He justified his own actions with the excuse of ‘at least I’m being sincere’ for the longest time. He doesn’t like them, and so he shows it, meaning everyone knows where they’re at. After he’s declared his dislike, some kind of arrangement is made, and they never have to speak to each other again (only he had trouble keeping away because it is kinda gratifying to watch them squirm in discomfort) – and clearly, it’s better than putting up a front made up of false niceties and fake smiles which doesn’t hold up for a second longer as soon as they’re not in the same room anymore.

These days, he’s come to a different conclusion. They simply worried him.

Some of them bested him in various disciplines, causing him to push himself harder because he didn’t want to be left behind and because he can’t let someone he doesn’t like overtake him. Their indifference towards him left him insecure since he’s a people pleaser at heart, wants to be loved and admired by everybody and simply had absolutely no fucking clue how he could get them to like him. And he always thought this sentiment was universal: everyone wants to be popular, don’t they? All humans want to be liked. Only these specific people’s very existence threatened this world view. They didn’t want to be liked by everybody. So what did it mean that they got to the same place as Blackbeard, when he obeyed all the rules and played all the games? Conventions exist for a reason, and shouldn’t be ignored like that.

So yes. Goyo was one of those.

Except he wasn’t. Thermite found him hilarious. Pulse developed a sudden interest in Goyo’s field of expertise. Ash invited him out for drinks. Valkyrie appreciated his earnest nature (and really, what the hell?). The only one with whom Goyo pointedly didn’t interact was Blackbeard.

And they kept going on about how friendly he was, and how well he fit in, and Blackbeard didn’t understand. Stared hard at this mystery of a man and just didn’t understand. Goyo wasn’t stand-offish. He obeyed some rules and played most games, just not Blackbeard's favourite ones, and neither did he let him provoke him, which deprived Blackbeard of the satisfaction of making him uncomfortable as well. What the fuck was he supposed to do with that?

But there was another problem. He’s gay.

It’s a can of worms he’d prefer not to open – if his mind was a house, then he’d shoved all of… that down the stairs into the basement, never to be seen again, collecting dust and sitting untouched. (It’s only recently that he’s begun clearing some of it out, airing it, finding use for it in the living room or somewhere else.) And whenever he learnt that anyone in his vague vicinity was gay, the door slammed open and something yelled at him really loudly the two words which would haunt him for a few weeks:

WHAT IF.

Dumb. Useless.

Disruptive, even, it’s not like he’d do anything, it’s not like the guy would do anything, it’s unlikely to be a topic between them, and still he wonders what it’d be like to kiss whoever was unfortunate enough to haunt Blackbeard for a while. This happens with everyone. Intrusive thoughts he can’t for the life of him control. They do fade the longer he knows the person, fortunately, but in the beginning, whenever the name is mentioned, his brain flashes him a question à la what would it feel like to hug him. Never has he acted on it, nor has he confessed this to anyone, which… likely made it worse, alright, now he knows it, but as a terrified navy officer, his main concern wasn’t whether he might regret neglecting that unwanted basement in his head later in life.

He made a point of never joking about it. Not he himself, at least. Not about this. If anyone ever noticed, they didn’t mention it to him.

In any case, there was the fact that Goyo was there and not going to go away any time soon, and he was gay, and really handsome. The tingly kind of handsome. The car crash kind, making it impossible to look away, with his stupid beard and the weird, sexual way he sits, and how he twirls his pens around without even realising. His smile is…

Blackbeard didn’t want to label him with anything past handsome, not pretty or attractive or (god forbid) hot, because it fell too well in line with the WHAT IF still regularly being screamed at him, despite the weeks they’ve spent as acquaintances already, and for some reason, this time, it doesn’t go away.

With other colleagues, it vanished very quickly, but Goyo? Goyo starts appearing in his dreams. Just once or twice, really, nothing compromising, a few words exchanged or a laugh (and he’s seen him laugh in Valkyrie’s presence, and dear fucking lord), but it has an uncomfortable side effect.

His brain convinces him he has some kind of claim on him. Nothing insane, not like he thinks Goyo owes him anything, and yet… He knows Goyo is single, so he should appreciate any offer he gets, and Blackbeard is certain Goyo would prefer if they got along better anyway, and besides, Blackbeard is a catch, right? He’s good-looking, funny, skilled, forthright, adventurous – nothing to scoff at. Surely it’s enough to warrant a try.

And when he’s instantly shot down, he realises that he can’t read this man at all.

.

Unfortunately for both of them, it’s a recurring theme in their interactions. Even after a while, even after Blackbeard has noticed Goyo’s lips thinning when he disapproves of something, or that his ‘yeah it’s fine’ is sometimes nothing more than a passive-aggressive ‘I’d prefer something else’, even then he doesn’t know the source of it. Because Goyo just doesn’t fucking talk to him.

The basics are there.

Not only that, the basics are great and Blackbeard is fully aware of it: both of them are putting effort into their relationship. He once heard it’s the single most important aspect of anything meant to last, and his prior relationships seem to support this claim – and hands down, both of them are committed to this. There’s not a single day without any type of contact, whether it’s texting, a short call, or meeting up, Goyo keeps track of what he likes to eat and cooks accordingly, Blackbeard brings small gifts, they pay each other compliments which are heartfelt and earnest, and they compromise on how they spend their time together. They’re comfortable around each other. He looks forward to seeing him every day that he does.

And there’s the whole… other stuff. All of which leaves Blackbeard flustered whenever he even thinks about it, and he’ll say this much: Goyo is infinitely more passionate than he would’ve expected. Generous, too. And really, really good.

That said, this is where the ‘but’ comes in (and no, he’s not referring to the fun part anymore).

Goyo can’t fucking communicate. It’s driving Blackbeard up the walls. He’s totally incapable of putting his emotions into words, which makes no sense at all. Once they started dating and Goyo opened up more, the complaints began, and honestly? Blackbeard was delighted. Because Goyo didn’t just nag, he pointed out aspects which bothered him in a constructive way and either suggested a solution or appreciated it when Blackbeard corrected it himself – or he was satisfied with a compromise. Maybe not always satisfied, there are still unresolved issues like him being inept to show up on time, ever, and insisting he’s in the right, but even then he doesn’t make a big fuss over it. Banter, yes. Some teasing. Remarks delivered with a grin. Tongue-in-cheek comments. Blackbeard does exactly the same, so he respects it.

In the past, it’s happened a few times that his current girlfriend was unhappy about something but didn’t mention it, not really, not to the point where Blackbeard would’ve realised it to be as serious as it turned out to be. Instead, her dissatisfaction grew and grew, in one instance accompanied by contempt, and eventually came an outburst he couldn’t have prevented if he tried, seeing as he knew nothing about it. Having a partner this vocal about problems is refreshing.

But there are certain topics Goyo doesn’t mention. Or moments where he simply clams up. It’s impossible to tell when it’ll happen or why, but now and then Goyo gets utterly lost in his own thoughts (or at least that’s what Blackbeard thinks is happening), and then he either loses the thread of their conversation entirely, or takes forever to reply. Blackbeard gets incredibly antsy whenever he receives no reaction, so his boyfriend doing it to him is twice as bad. He’s aware Goyo lives inside his head a lot of the time, sure, and as a result, almost everything he says is well thought through and genuine (at least the non-sarcastic bits), but for him, it’s difficult to deal with nonetheless. He often panics during those pauses and wonders whether he’s done something wrong and Goyo is currently trying to work out how to break it to him.

And when it comes to Goyo’s feelings, he’s a lost cause. Blackbeard doesn’t doubt for a second that Goyo spends a good portion of his time analysing himself and introspecting, it’s just… he doesn’t seem to be very good at it.

That, or he also has a basement full of dusty, forgotten, pushed-away objects.

Goyo thinks himself ‘sociable enough’. It’s how he himself expressed it. Blackbeard begs to differ, and strongly so: Goyo hardly ever seeks out other people, regularly turns down invitations as well and is awfully quiet in groups, not to mention he takes forever to warm up to people (and there’s the not-so-small matter about his lack of punctuality too). Blackbeard finds his behaviour quite rude a lot of the time and is pretty sure the others only give Goyo the benefit of the doubt to be nice.

He says of himself that he’s not very demanding, only to keep demanding things of Blackbeard. More touching. More housework. Less gym time. No shaving. More spontaneity (and he seems to overlook the obvious irony in telling someone to be spontaneous).

This is another thing: he keeps disrupting Blackbeard's daily schedule without feeling a shred of guilt over it. Calling at inopportune times, trying to keep him in bed in the morning, suddenly wanting to eat lunch a specific place, changing plans they made weeks ago a few minutes before leaving. It’s like he’s testing Blackbeard's patience and adaptability.

And the worst thing of all is simultaneously also the best thing: Blackbeard really, really, really likes him.

If he were a dog, his tail wouldn’t stop wagging for a second in Goyo’s presence. His brain fills with exclamation marks any time he sees him. Any compliments Goyo has ever paid him play on repeat, his smile is the last image Blackbeard sees before he goes to sleep, and he’s the first person he texts whenever anything happens. He has no idea what caused Goyo’s change of heart, what made him give Blackbeard a chance, but he’s endlessly grateful it happened. The fluttering in his stomach still hasn’t stopped when they’re spending quality time together, and his heart thumps twice as fast whenever they kiss. It’s the worst crush of his life and he doesn’t even know how it developed.

When he wants to be, Goyo is exceedingly witty, charming, supportive, empathetic, patient, loving, trusting. They’ve had a long conversation about sexuality which corrected some of the preconceptions Blackbeard still held, and at no point did he feel patronised, alienated, or uncomfortable. It’s probably what keeps them together: the knowledge they respect and trust each other. Goyo knows he’d never knowingly hurt his feelings, and he believes the same of Goyo. Jealousy is no topic between them, and boundaries are regularly drawn, re-drawn, negotiated, accepted. (Though not nearly as often as Blackbeard would’ve liked. He’s aware Goyo can feel suffocated sometimes and would prefer them to talk it out properly, but it’s one of the topics Goyo usually deflects.)

.

With how communicative Blackbeard is, he’s suffered from the lack of outside feedback on their relationship. Asking for advice is out of the question as no one else knows he’s dating anyone, and not being able to gush about the way Goyo sometimes wraps himself around him when they’re watching something on his bed kills him a little inside. He wants to share it all, the good and the bad, seeks reassurance on everything he’s doing and desires normality. A state where he can throw in ‘oh yes, my boyfriend mentioned it the other day’ without earning any kind of odd reaction. A world where the others ask him about how Goyo is doing, and whether they’ve been to this restaurant yet, and so on.

He knows that he himself is the only obstacle in this, but his track record in Rainbow hasn’t been the best and he’s worried the girls will call him out on hitting on them with no intention of starting a relationship. Which wouldn’t actually be far off the mark, unfortunately. Valkyrie is his best bet since they’re thick as thieves, but she’s been side-eyeing him for a while already and he’s pretty sure she suspects something. He hates when she can go ‘I told you so’ and be right about it.

Regardless, he’s going to explode if he can’t talk about Goyo to someone soon, and Vigil will certainly not want to hear about how ticklish his Mexican colleague is.

.

“Meghan, I need to tell you something”, he blurts out, startling his best friend and nearly causing her to drop her beer. They’re on Buck’s balcony, holding on to cans as if they were their lifeline to what little bit of their sanity is left after everyone heard Maverick suggest bodyshots earlier (only half jokingly), and then Castle murdered everyone by showing off photos of his newly adopted puppy. Even Blackbeard was squealing like a little girl. He really should look into adopting a dog himself. He wonders whether Goyo likes dogs.

“Don’t tell me you want to join Sanaa on her odyssey”, Valkyrie interrupts his thoughts, looking worried. “They’re all trying to deter her for a reason, we don’t need you encouraging -”

“What are you talking about?”, he interrupts her, aghast, and once her words have sunk in, he repeats: “No, really, what are you talking about? That sounds amazing. I wanna be a part of it. Where is she going?”

“Craig.”

Odd. Goyo sounds almost the same whenever he’s displeased. Blackbeard should text him about the dog later. “Yes. Where was I?”

“You made a vague threat.”

He blinks at her for a moment, mind blank. Goyo has said before that alcohol causes his brain to misfire, and he’s beginning to believe it. “Oh. Yes. Meghan, I’m dating someone. And don’t be smug, okay? I can’t deal with smug right now.”

Valkyrie’s lips twitch in amusement. “Would you like supportive? That’s great! I’m so happy for you! I hope it’s going wonderful, you really deserve it!”

“You’re the worst”, he informs her, prompting a laugh.

“It’s been a while already, hasn’t it?” He nods. He supposes it’s obvious to anyone who knows him well enough, and Valkyrie certainly does. After all, he can’t stop smiling on some days and must look like a lunatic. Maybe he should send a nice text first so Goyo knows he thought of him. “I figured. How is it going and why is it César?”

He chokes on his beer. She doesn’t even have the grace to look guilty while he’s busy coughing his lungs out, and when he makes an inquisitive sound, she even smirks. It was bad enough to learn that Smoke and Mute found out about their relationship (and he’s still not entirely sure about whether they found out on their own or Goyo helped a bit), and now it turns out Valkyrie knew all along?

“Don’t worry, no one else knows. But neither of you were very subtle about it to me. You kept asking about him, he kept asking about you… plus you’ve been really nice to him recently.”

Oh. He asked about Blackbeard? This is relevant information. He opens his mouth to inquire some more, but Valkyrie adds casually: “And he at least is openly gay. Very open. Remember how he mentioned his male ex-fiancé on the first day? He really didn’t allow for any ambiguity.”

And hold up. Blackbeard's brain struggles to process what it just heard. Wait.

Wait what.

.

There are two cans cooking on the stove.

Blackbeard is failing to grasp reality right now. He dumbly stares at the two unlabelled metal cans sitting in boiling water and doesn’t understand what’s happening. He doesn’t understand much of what’s going on at the moment anyway, and he’s fairly sure it’s not just the alcohol’s fault. The water bubbles happily around the objects, and time and space are collapsing around him.

“Hey, Bee”, comes a familiar voice from behind him and he’s embraced in a tight hug, lips planting themselves on his shoulder a few times before he’s released again. “You’re back early.”

“Jack’s apartment flooded. A few went with him to help, but Meghan dropped me off here. The hell are you making? Tin-flavoured soup?”

Goyo laughs and though the sound would normally flood him with endorphins, right now he just eyes the other man with a frown. “No, it’s dulce de leche.”

Blackbeard tries and fails to put the delicious caramel-like substance in any relation to what’s happening before him, though he does file something away for later perusal: he should ask Goyo to speak more Spanish around him. He might be onto something there. “How?”

“Sweetened condensed milk. When you boil it long enough, it turns into gooey ambrosia. You mentioned how you were looking for new ideas for ice cream – swirl this into anything and blow everyone’s minds.”

Oh. That does sound delicious, and the fact that Goyo is staying up late to do him a favour is also heartwarming, but the question burning on Blackbeard's tongue will not sit idly for a second longer. He asks: “Why did you never tell me of your ex-fiancé?”

Goyo, checking out the timer next to the pot, responds with another question without lifting his gaze: “Oh. Which one?”

He can’t be serious. Blackbeard waits, fully expecting him to be joking, but he seems genuinely surprised at Blackbeard's dumbstruck expression when he finally does look up. “I’ve had a turbulent past involving a few poor decisions”, he admits and something tells Blackbeard there’s a good possibility this is a massive understatement. “Is that a problem?”

Is it? He’s not entirely sure. The fact that he had to hear about it from Valkyrie might be one, and then there’s his crumbling impression of Goyo as someone largely sensible. He comes across as well-mannered, composed, logical – though Blackbeard has noticed most of these waver over time. The deeper he dives, the more of the iceberg he sees. “You just… seemed like someone who has his life together”, he says weakly. Goyo has friends and family who care about him, is comfortable in his own skin, good at his job.

His words are mulled over for a while with pursed lips, until Goyo decides: “I suppose I do. Except for my love life.”

“You did say at one point that all relationships you had were long, meaningful and deep. So I figured…”

“My relationships were mostly great, yes. Anything that doesn’t fall into that category, well”, and Goyo makes an uncertain hand gesture which, once again, fills Blackbeard with a sense of foreboding dread as it screams understatement. “I did start out by paying a guy to fuck me.”

Blackbeard has no clue how to react, and so he chooses to stare at his boyfriend in horror.

“Yeah. Life was tough where I grew up. This super hot straight dude caught wind of me being a reliable source of cigarettes and asked me about it. I convinced him to fuck me for smokes – which I was buying with my allowance money, I think.”

“Allowance”, Blackbeard echoes stupidly. “Wait, how old were you?”

“I think fifteen, why does it matter, Bee?”

“How old was the dude?!”

“Early twenties? Thinking about it, he really should’ve handled his finances better.”

Blackbeard is in shock. “So… he took advantage of you. Lightly said.” Very lightly.

To his utter disbelief, Goyo simply frowns and shakes his head. “What? No. It was my idea. I had to talk him into it.”

“Yeah but – you were a minor. He was an adult, he shouldn’t have -”

“Did you miss the part where he not only sold his body for some cigs but also let a teenager get the better of him? What about that makes it seem like he’d fell any reasonable decisions in his life?”

“Did you report him? Did he get arrested?” He can’t wrap his head around why Goyo seems so calm talking about this.

“Huh? Not for sleeping with me, no. He was a thieving piece of shit though, so he did end up in jail.”

“Stop defending him, do you really think he did nothing wrong?”

Goyo eyes him curiously. “Do you think that he did?”

And of course. Of course he does, it’s not just personal opinion with this kind of shit, it’s a fact that an adult exploited Goyo and how does he not see it? How can he view it any other way? Blackbeard has trouble putting his outrage in words, so he attempts a different angle: “Are you saying you’d be alright with someone else who’s twenty sleeping with a teenager who’s -”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Generally, of course not. But we’re talking about me here. I know what happened. I can assess it from my point of view.”

“But you were too young -”

“You don’t get to rewrite my past”, Goyo interrupts him sharply and so Blackbeard shuts up, dissatisfied. Next to them, the kitchen timer erupts into frantic beeping, prompting Goyo to turn the heat off, pluck the cans out of the pot with a pair of tongs and put them on a wire rack to cool.

Meanwhile, Blackbeard tries to decide whether all this changes how he sees the man before him. He’s not sure.

“Laws are in place for a reason and I’d be the first one to tell any teenager not to do what I did”, Goyo continues, directed at the slightly steaming metal. “But what I did happened and it was what I really wanted at the time. We do stupid things when we’re young. You don’t get to judge me for it. Only I can, and I’m not.”

It’s hard to relate. Blackbeard wouldn’t say he grew up sheltered, but certainly privileged, and though there’s plenty of stuff he did which he’d advise against, there’s none he’d defend like this. Except Goyo might be explaining instead of defending. He refuses to condemn while still being aware of the shady circumstances.

“Look, Bee, no one got hurt. Quite the opposite. Let’s leave it at that and go to bed, hm?” Goyo kisses him briefly before exiting the kitchen, already pulling his shirt over his head and exposing his toned back in the process. The sight awakens a strong urge to touch, but not in a sexual way – Blackbeard is filled with a comfortable sense of belonging instead. He knows what Goyo’s smooth skin feels like and that he’s free to caress it as much as he wants. It’s one of his favourite perks of any relationship: being allowed to show physical affection.

A little lost and still dazed from their previous topic, he trails after his lover and watches Goyo strip down to his underwear in the bedroom. “I wasn’t planning on going to sleep immediately”, he says, knowing full well he’ll climb in after Goyo regardless.

“We don’t have to sleep.”

Blackbeard stares at him blankly, thoughts continuously trying to process their conversation.

“I’ll read a bit and you can text some people. You told Meghan about us, didn’t you? She sent me a single message an hour ago which just said good luck.”

It seems this would be all Goyo has to say on the matter of his sexual past for now, and Blackbeard belatedly realises that he avoided mentioning his ex-fiancé (ex-fiancés??) entirely, so he should prepare for a similar talk in the near future. It’s become a habit of theirs which he genuinely doesn’t like – they address a topic, argue, and then drop it without a satisfying conclusion, without being on the same page. Most of the time, it ends up merely postponing the issue as it inevitably comes up again, though he does suppose there’s some merit in being able to think it through on his own before tackling it again. Both of them can be quite stubborn, and a break to sort their thoughts (and in Blackbeard's case, engage some outside advice) is beneficial.

So maybe it’s not so bad to not ruin the night with something they’ll ultimately refuse to agree on, and instead cuddle in bed.

Goyo becomes a temporary magnet in these instances, impossible to pry off, and Blackbeard has no choice but to hold him tight and bask in his body heat. Not like he’d want anything other than exactly this.

“Was it scary?”, Goyo mutters into his hair while stroking his back. They’ll separate soon and wind down in their own way before sleeping, but right now they just enjoy each other’s presence.

“She already knew I’m bi. She likes you and I trust her. Why would it be scary?”

“Still. It’s fine if it was.”

Blackbeard is silent for a minute. “A bit”, he admits and feels Goyo’s lips stretch into a smile.

“I’m glad it seemed to have gone well. And I’m proud of you.”

And this, this is why Blackbeard basically fawns over this bastard all day in his head. His heart throbs and he pulls Goyo even closer, relieved that the prior revelations apparently don’t make a difference between them. Goyo is right, the past can’t be changed, but neither does it need to dictate the present. “It did go well, she said you’d be good for me on the way here. She also mentioned you asking about me.”

Goyo chuckles. “You know, the first thing I ever asked about you was whether you’ve got a wife.”

And it’s a relief to hear that not only Blackbeard used to be terrible at reading him.

[tmntxreader-fics]

TMNT Raphael x Reader: A Damaged Love

Request: 

@skywolf42   Ooh I have prompt for you!! RaphaelxReader where the Reader character gets in an argument with Raphael and flinches and freezes up at some point when he gets mad. Raph is immediately guilty that he's done something to make the Reader think he'd ever hit them, not understanding at first that it was a subconscious response due to physical abuse at the hands of a masculine figure at some point in the Reader's life. 

I took a different take on this, and added some 2007 Raph elements to it. Made it a little bit darker. Raph goes a little too far. 

WARNINGS: Cussing (as usual), mention of physical abuse, angst, and typos because I’m a dumb bitch. Violent anger. ANGRY RAPH. like, Unreasonable 2007 Raph angry. 

Fem Reader this time around.

‘Every couple squabbles.’

 At least, that’s what they say. That’s what you had told yourself when you were ignoring the ringing in your ears.

They say that ‘the arguments make the relationship stronger, make them healthier.’ With delicious irony, you remember repeating that one beneath your breath quite regularly; especially the nights when your purple jaw ached. 

‘Now that everything has been spilled into the air, you can both work on coming to a compromise together.’ On the contrary, you discovered that attempting to “compromise” simply resulted in a doomed-to-be-overdue hospital bill.

Now, on your second attempt at playing a role within a relationship, you realize that the first point was correct; every couple does squabble. Or, as you have found to be more accurate, they go to war. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” 

With a tragic spark of displaced humor, you consider the fact that this is the first time you have heard Raphael direct those words at you, rather than his enemies. Venturing further into your morbid curiosity, you wonder if, perhaps at this moment, you are his enemy. 

You suppose that you should have seen the burst of volume coming, really. It was bound to arrive between both of your voices rising in a steady crescendo. The predictability of the explosion was evident, so you’re unsure as to why it had shocked you so intensely. 

Maybe it was the words in which he had spoken, or perhaps, the way he had so aggressively pointed his finger towards you; accompanied by a menacing step. 

“Excuse me?” Your tone is the perfect picture of aggravated bewilderment. Now you understand how people could be so taken aback that they question the reliability of their hearing. “What did you just say to me?” 

“What, are you deaf? You heard me,” Raphael snarls, pacing from side to side as if he were a caged animal. Maybe he is, you muse. Perhaps he holds a barely contained animalistic anger; simmering beneath that rough, viridescent skin. Something that not even the Mutagen could evolve; or possibly, it’s responsible for encouraging the aggression. 

“Who the fuck do you think you are?” Your voice is ripped from your lips in a bellow, your anger almost tangible. “What makes you think that you can talk to me like that?”

“You think you’re fuckin’ special?” he sneers, the simple sentence acting like a spear to your chest. The terrapin spins on his heels to face you, raising his finger once again to point at you accusingly. “You think that just ‘cos you’re my girlfriend, that means I can’t get mad at ya?” 

Your jaw drops in indignant disbelief, “there’s mad and then there’s this!” 

“You started this!” He growls, inhaling sharply in a poor attempt to maintain composure, “I didn’t fuckin’ come for you, you provoked me!”

Taking a step back from his overbearing presence, you return his words with a humourless snicker, “of course, it’s my fault.” 

“Yeah, it is,” Raphael snaps, eyes boring holes into your own; as if he were praying that looks could kill. Your stomach churns, clearly understanding the intent behind that gaze. 

“Of course it is! When have you ever taken responsibility for your own fuck-ups?” The words leave your lips before you can help yourself. You know instantly that you’ve just poured fuel over an already flaming fire. You could almost see the uncontrollable rage spread from his chest throughout his body. 

Still, despite the signs, you’re unable to prevent yourself from stumbling backward when the wooden table explodes into splintered pieces beneath his fist. You’ve fallen uncomfortably into the bench, tripping on the heel of your own shoe in your desperate attempt to gain space between you and the destructive beast on the other side of the room. Despite the blatant fear your new position exclaims, leaning back against the support of a metal structure with fingers that grip the edges for comfort, you cannot bring yourself to move. 

You try to stand to your feet and straighten up before he can turn around and see you. Before he can witness the power his anger has over you, the humiliating way you cower from his explosive outburst. Your body barely budges an inch at your mental commands and you remain frozen to your place.

Habit is not easily broken, your body reminds you. 

You know, logically, that Raphael would never hurt you. But, as much as you’d like to trust yourself, your logic has led you seriously wrong before. Your fiery nature has only brought you to once conclusion in your relationships, and they started off just like this. Just once. Just one fight. Just one blow. Then it never stopped. 

All is quiet, except for the heavy breathing that fills the room. Distantly, you remember that Mikey had carved that table himself as a kid; it was lopsided and ugly but he had made that. It was a piece of their childhood, a fond memory- and Raphael had just obliterated it without a second thought. 

You stand torn, staying put leaves you in the ‘danger zone’ and leaving the room is basically a flashing neon sign screaming ‘weakness’. You had promised yourself to grow stronger in the face of the opposition, to challenge and at the first sign of violence, to leave. 

“Who the fuck do you think you are?” His voice is hoarse; breaking the silence so suddenly that you jump a little. His shell is turned to you, though you can tell that he is hunched over a little; shoulders heaving with the weight of your words. 

“I asked you the same question and you didn’t answer,” the reply leaves your lips as a rasp. The longer you dwell on the thought of Mikey’s face when he sees the damage the stronger your resentment towards Raphael becomes. You find that you want to grind your teeth until there’s nothing left but small shards of bone; you want to clutch his world in your hands and burn it to ashes. With the rage rushing through your blood you find the energy to at least stand and somewhat straighten your stance. You’ve never felt such unfathomable wrath towards somebody that you genuinely love, even against those of whom you had thought you loved. 

Perhaps, it’s because you love him and you know it’s mutual that it hurts to see the relationship take a tragically familiar path. Is this the inevitable truth of love? Is it simply a means to an end? Could it be that love is so desired that they hide the horrors of it behind a quaint picture, and collectively everyone drinks it in like a sweet cocktail of poison. They thirst for it because they think that the high is worth the consequences, that the repercussions of love are the lesser of two evils- the other being loneliness.  

“You want me to answer your question?” His voice interrupts your train of thought. Turning your gaze to your partner’s hulkish figure you can’t help but shiver when he straightens up, shell still shielding him from your observation. “I’ll tell you exactly who I am.” 

Your heart leaps into your throat when Raphael turns, his eyes narrowed and blazing with a heat that make your instincts scream at you to run. 

One step. 

“I’m Raphael,” he begins. 

Two steps. 

“Now, see, I got a bad, bad, temper.” 

Three steps. 

“But I’m the best at what I do; putting a fist through someone’s jaw is how I get off.” 

Four steps. He’s halfway across the room now. 

“Now, I got a girlfriend. She talks big for someone who’s half my size.” 

Five steps. You stomach lurches and you can’t help but lean back into the metal bench once more. 

“She reminds me of my brother, can’t stop themselves from tryin’ to dictate my life, correct me at every turn,” his teeth are gritted now, words ground out rather than said. “Of course, they call it guidance.” 

Six steps. Too close. 

“Kinda funny that my girlfriends joined in when you think about the fact that I’m ten times as strong as her.” 

“Raph,” you whisper. Your heart sinks, you know where this is going. You had held out hope that it would never come to this, perhaps you’ve pushed him too far. Maybe this is your fault. 

Ignoring your voice, he takes another step forward. Seven. 

“Faster than her.” 

“Please,” you rasp, gripping the metal beside you in an attempt to not curl up. 

“Bigger than her.” 

Eight. 

He’s in front of you now, his body towering over your trembling self. You can barely breath, your eyes fixated on the fists that are balled at his sides. If it’s coming you might as well make the most of it. 

“What do you want from me?” You burst, voice breaking mid sentence. “What do you want me to say?” 

“I want you to support me!” He snaps. You can feel his breath brushing the top of your head and you lips tremble at the volume of his voice. Don’t break, stay strong. “Why is this so fuckin’ hard for you’s to understand. I don’t want authority I want a partner!”

“Why is it so hard for you to understand that partnership is about guiding someone through their flaws and encouraging them with their strengths,” you whisper shakily. Finally you turn your eyes up to meet his hard expression, watching the way he observes the wateriness of your gaze. “You’re so insecure that you can pinpoint everyone else’s problems but the second yours are addressed you think you’re being attacked and dominated.” 

“Insecure?” 

Perhaps, that was not the best word to throw around when you’re trapped between a metal bench and a 6′5, 340lb angry turtle. 

“I’m insecure? Look who’s talking!” His laugh is a humorless roar and you flinch beneath him.

“I don’t intimidate the people I love to hide my insecurities,” you snap back, gesturing to his aggressive posture. 

“Being intimidating is the only way to shut you’s up! There’s no other way to get you to back off!” He exclaims, throwing his hands up in disbelief. Your stomach clenches, shoulders flinching upwards to your jaw at the sudden movement. 

"What are you a caveman?” You cry, poking your finger into his plastron and straightening your posture in an attempt to cover your previous reaction. Be strong. “Use. Your. Words. Be honest! Be open! No one is gonna understand where the line is if you explode the second we open our mouths. Communicate through your words, your touch, your actions!” 

Your heart is pounding in your chest and you realise instantly that your courageous facade is permanently over when you catch his eyes. The sheer fury. Your body begins to tremble harder than it has in so long, the adrenaline rushing through your body in an attempt to evoke a response. Run, your instincts scream, hide! 

“You want me to use my words?” He sneers, his voice so low you don’t expect the volume from his next sentence. “Then shut the fuck up.” 

He steps in so that your body is pressed between his and the metal digging into your back. Your hands immediately raise up to press against his chest. “Raph....” 

“You want me to use my touch?” His voice is a steady shout now, you distantly wonder whether the boys can hear his bellow from the streets. But you know the truth, that you’re alone. Left at his mercy. 

His hands grip your body by your shoulders and at the sound of your startled cry he lifts you up so that only your toes brush the ground. He shakes you, as if hoping that somehow he could scramble your mind and prevent you from conjuring anymore words. “Then let me shake some sense into ya.” 

Your first sob is overpowered by the roar of his voice, you don’t know if he’s even heard it. You feel as though you’re going to puke any second now and you can’t find your breath. There’s no air. Where’s the air? 

“You want me to use my actions?” He drops his grip on you and your body falls into the bench behind you. “Then here!” 

He leans in and your body is bent backwards over the table before his fists smash into the metal on either side of your body, undoubtedly denting it. 

With that, you break. 

Your body crumples to the floor beneath his feet, hands raised above your head in a feeble attempt to protect yourself. 

Not again. 

There’s a silence before his voice, ever so soft, violates the quiet. He says your name. He says it twice. 

Is this how it’s meant to be? 

He says it three times. 

Please, not again. 

Please. 

He doesn’t touch you, not yet. 

Please. 

Please.

He says your name again, this time his voice sounds as broken as you feel. 

Please. 

He’s apologising, the words sweet nothings lost to the air. The whispers caress your body, curling around your neck in a deceptively loving touch. The words stroke your cheek, touch your lips. 

He says your name again, so softly. So gentle. The hushed tones wait for you to look up, they’re coaxing you to unfurl. But you know; you know from experience that they beckon you so that they can look you in the eyes. So that they can watch you, adoration in their gaze. They want to see your face when they choke you with the very thing that you crave. 

Love.

This is love. 

[steven-falls]

Steven Universe Future reviewed: Prickly Pair

‘Prickly Pair’ explores the negative feelings Steven has been having as of late and I’m a little worried those negative feelings are going to rub off on to this review.

‘Fool!’

Before I say anything else, I will clarify that Steven cactus is the MVP of the episode. In an otherwise angsty affair,  he provides the most enjoyable and comedic parts. Which is a bit messed up considering he’s being mistreated throughout the whole thing.

I will split this review into four parts; My overview of the episode as whole, my thoughts on the opening scene, a discussion of Steven’s view of the other Crystal Gems, and finally my thoughts on the episode’s conclusion.

Overview:

I think what’s difficult about watching ‘Prickly Pair’ is that it’s a pretty big downer the whole way through, with only a couple brief uplifting moments. Steven was a sad sack in the previous episode too, but that was balanced out by everyone else in the episode being pretty happy in their lives. You don’t get that levity in this Steven centric affair.

‘I gave up running the school, but now I don’t know what comes next.’

Ah that feeling of giving up your job because it isn’t right for you, but not having an idea of what you want to do next. So you start filling your time with hobbies to distract you, like gardening or writing reviews of children’s cartoons… ahem. 

Almost every plot beat has Steven be depressed or anxious about something new. We start with Steven questioning what he’s doing with his life, which progresses to him venting about his problems to his newly born son, Cactus Steven. This results in Steven mistreating the cactus when it starts parroting him in front of others, exposing all Steven’s insecurities to his loved ones. Finally, this cumulates in the two fighting. And, despite ultimately making amends with the cactus, it still decides to leave him. 

This does at least lead to Steven experiencing a growing moment. 

‘I’m sorry I mistreated you, you’re just learning from the only role model you’ve got!’

He learns the moral that impressionable children can internalise and replicate their parents unhealthy behaviours and attitudes.

Despite learning this, I’d argue that Steven is in a worse place emotionally at the end of the episode than he was at the beginning. Steven at least had his plants to distract himself from his depression, but after the cactus fiasco I can’t imagine he’d be able to go back to that. Now he has no hobby to consume himself with, and has to deal with his family knowing about all the negative feelings he was trying to keep hidden from them. 

This is probably something that will benefit  him in the long term; the gems are aware how much he needs their support now. But in the meantime he’s left feeling pretty low.

And that’s sort of how I feel about this episode. By itself I don’t really enjoy it that much because of how negative it is, even though in the long term I can acknowledge this was probably a necessary step in Steven’s journey.

That acts as my general overview of the episode, but now to get into more specifics.

Potty for Potted Plants:

‘This little smarty is named Connie.’

Awkwardly drawing attention to the fact that we haven’t seen Connie since the movie… a movie she was barely in.

The episode opens with an introduction to the plant colony Steven has been growing, each of the plants being named after one of his friends. Steven naming his plants after his friends is something that could be seen as cute, but it’s portrayed as an unhealthy coping mechanism from the get go; as Steven rambles about how the plants can’t leave him. A dark reading of this behaviour suggests that he wants his friends in a position where they physically can’t leave him, and also depend on Steven to care for them for their own survival.

While I can appreciate the subtext I still didn’t care for this scene in general. Particularly the part when Steven starts talking to the Lars plant.

‘You’re stuck in the ground aren’t you not going to zip into space and leave everyone behind’

 I personally find it annoying when a character just starts rambling like a crazy person for comedic purposes. Particularly if the content of what they are saying isn’t that funny: Steven’s pretty much just summarising his insecurities for the audience right here.

Steven’s plant obsession is supposed to be comedic in its creepiness, but I just don’t find this creepy behaviour comedic. 

It does serve its plot purpose, although having Steven literally name the plants after his friends feels so on the nose. Just have him ramble about how plants can’t leave and we’ll get it.

I’ll give them the onion joke though

I’m assuming Garnet’s ‘You should keep a close eye on your cactus.’ line is her using her future vision but…. What exactly is she seeing? Her later line of dialogue ‘that cactus really bounced back’ suggests that she was just warning him about over watering it, but that seems like such an inconsequential thing for Garnet to care about. Did she see the events that played out in the episode, where the cactus comes to life and started attacking them? I feel like if that’s so then she surely would have known about Steven’s mental state from the beginning. Also her warning Steven about the cactus is ironic as it is inadvertently what caused those events to happen in the first place.

I don’t know, I think she knew something was up with the cactus but I’m not sure what.

It does at least act as an example of her ‘high and mighty advice’ Steven complains about later in the episode. Speaking of...

Steven VS The Crystal Gems:

This episode contains Steven’s most sinister character moment yet; slagging off the crystal gems behind their backs. Let’s break down each of Steven’s ‘critiques’ of the crystal gems to assess their validity. 

‘I can’t let Pearl know how I feel because she’ll blame herself and spiral out of control, and I’ll have to pick up the pieces!’

This is by far the harshest of Steven’s outbursts, and a pretty low blow considering all the trauma Pearl went through. But on the other hand Steven had to resolve a lot of Pearl’s issues for her from a young age, so I can’t really blame him for feeling this way. In fact if this complaint had been made before the Pink Diamond reveal I would have been fully in Steven’s corner.

It is ironic because you could say that Pearl unloading her trauma onto Steven traumatised him. And now in turn  Steven is unloading all his issues on to Cactus Steven. Definitely a message in here about parental figures passing on their baggage to their children.

‘I don’t want any more  high and mighty advice from Garnet.’

 I found this one funny because it just reminded me of his impression of Garnet in season 1’s ‘Tiger Millionaire’

‘I’m not going to say anything, but I expect you to understand that was wrong.’

Ah, the more things change the more they stay the same.

‘And I’m so sick of Amethyst acting like she’s so mature now’ 

This is the rant that comes most out of left field, especially as Steven was the one who first labeled Amethyst as ‘mature’ back in ‘What’s your problem.’

His issues with Pearl and Garnet make more logical sense as those are reactions to problems he feels he needs to deal with himself. But Amethyst's maturity isn’t something that negatively impacts Steven. 

In fact, in the very next scene Amethyst's maturity is the thing that encourages her to reach out and ask if Steven needs any help. Steven’s distaste for Amethyst maturity comes across as plain pettiness towards her growing as a person. The two have somewhat switched roles from the episode ‘Steven vs. Amethyst’. 

‘Great and now you’re even more mature than me [...] Now I’m the worst Crystal Gem’

Here, Amethyst was bitter that Steven was starting to excel past her. Steven improving as a person made her feel worse about herself. Both of them have felt bitterness towards the other showing maturity and character growth . But of course, being resentful of someone else’s maturity only makes you seem more immature. 

The Final Fight

It takes Steven having a physical fight with the cactus to realise the only reason it is being so aggressive is because it’s copying him. Which is weird because Steven knew the cactus was learning by copying him from the beginning.

Like, come on man you already knew that, it should have been pretty self evident. 

But obviously Steven was so preoccupied by his annoyance the cactus that he completely forgot this.

The reactions to the cactus pricks make for some great visual gags. But I feel they overplay this joke, it’s done like 5 times in the final scene alone. 

Because the cactus only copies Steven, all of Stevens' anger directed  the cactus is really  just anger at himself. This metaphor is made even clearer by the cactus literally being a cactus version of Steven. So Steven’s realisation that he shouldn’t have been so hard on the cactus doubles as a realisation that Steven shouldn’t have been so hard on himself, (although I don’t think Steven made that connection)  So there’s a double moral here that one should be kind to them self as well as others.

[golden-redhead]

If that isn't a mood tho. Kaito is the exact type that I tend to be "meh" about, let alone in media where sometime personalities or quirks can be exaggerated. Let's just say I was rolling my eyes at him early on in Chapter 1, then by the time we got to the middle of Chapter 2 I was so invested in him that I always had to pause and gather myself every time the game had me scared for his life. Get those death flags away from my son or so hELP ME!!

I actually don’t know when exactly I started to love Kaito, I think I truly realized my love only after I finished the game, mostly because I was so invested in Kokichi and just overwhelmed by the story. But I remember in chapter 5 this moment of ‘oh god, they are both dead… no matter which one is the victim, they are both dead please no, why would you break my heart like that’.

But yeah, Kaito has no right to be as likable as he is. Normally he would be this kind of character that I just can’t stand, either because of how annoying he is or because of the fact that he steals the spotlight that I wish was on other characters. Also, his design, his character type, his extroverted nature, the fact that he doesn’t contribute that much during the trials… Yeah, normally all of that would be just distracting and boring and wouldn’t appeal to me at all, but. Somehow it isn’t.

I think part of the reason is that his positivity and trust in others is so completely different from Kaede’s, for example, and I always find it interesting. Many people compare their role in the game but I don’t think Kaede would achieve what Kaito did. He genuinely believes that everyone has something worth and good inside that they can offer to the world and he wants to get that out. He has his insecurities and one could argue that there is some underlying manipulative element to it all, since he builds his hero persona on this act of helping Shuichi and Maki to get out of their shells, but even despite that he truly believes in what he’s saying and his personal wish to be perceived as a hero isn’t his only motivation, it’s more like a bonus. I think what makes Kaito so unique is his good intentions and the fact that his heart is always in the right place. He has many flaws but he has an equal amount of good traits that form an interesting balance and make him realistic. He has this ability to learn and change and I think this is not something you see very often in characters like him. Also, he’s a walking shonen protag stereotype in many aspects but… he’s not a protag. That fact alone creates a very interesting narrative and what is even more surprising - he actually works as a supporting character. Also, I think the story makes very good use of him and makes a good point about how he’s the only person who could have done what he did. No one else could have sacrificed their life, even if they were already dying. And even if they did - their reasons would be completely different. And that’s something I really respect about both Kaito as a character and about the way he was written.

Also, his flaws are actually explained in the story, they don’t just appear out of nowhere. Many people dislike Kaito accusing him of homophobia and sexism and it’s kind of funny because they essentially focus on a line or two while ignoring his actual actions. I am not going to pretend some of Kaito’s problematic lines didn’t happen, because they did and I do remember cringing hard at his comment about girls and how they shouldn’t use guns. But the thing is that there are so many elements, like Japanese culture (and how normalized this kind of thinking is there), translation, the context, etc. that many people who hold it against him ignore to prove their point. Does Kaito have some problematic lines? Yes. Does he actually do anything harmful/problematic in the game? Well… no? What I like about Kaito is that he has the potential of growth. He was raised in Japan, surrounded by old people, of course, he would pick up some problematic ideas. But we also see him trying to be a better person throughout the entire game and his story arc ultimately ends up with him sacrificing himself so Maki and others could live. And yes, his argument with Shuichi is unpleasant and painful to watch but in the end, Kaito realizes his mistake on his own and tells Shuichi to not worry about it anymore. He knows that what he did was wrong. And earlier in the game, he went to apologize to Shuichi for yelling and punching him and offered him much needed support.

Kaito is not perfect. He’s loud, over-confident, has a tendency to be aggressive and is very prone to jealousy. But in all his flaws he’s also very human and I find it extremely relatable. I consider him to be a very good role model because despite all that he still finds this strength to work harder, to improve himself, to put others and their needs before his own. Some people say that Kaito doesn’t have a character arc but I personally adore his struggle with jealousy and insecurity and how his hero complex is both a source of his strength and one of his greatest flaws. It’s honestly so refreshing to see a character who is actively trying to be better and actually succeeding. Sure, he never reached his full potential but this is how Danganronpa works. One could argue that he has no character development but I really have to disagree here. It’s just subtle and connected with the fact that he’s a work in progress, he never reaches this moment of ‘ah yes, my development is complete’. We are used to watching characters in fiction whose character development is just going from point A to point B and ignoring the fact that it never works like that in the real world.

There’s always room for improvement and Kaito is a good example of that. Does he still have a lot to learn? Sure! But Kaito from the first chapter would never admit that he was wrong the same way Kaito in chapter 5 does. In his eyes, at the time it would have destroyed the persona he was trying to pretend to be. This is not the kind of character development characters like Kaito usually go through. If anything, characters like him usually just tend to grow more and more self-absorbed, self-righteous and become more aggressively dominant as the time goes. Kaito, when confronted, takes a moment to re-think his behavior and realizes where his actions are coming from and apologizes for them and/or actively tries to make things better. He does his best to empower Shuichi and help him overcome his insecurities. He’s genuinely proud of Shuichi when he’s making progress. He jumps in front of a fucking arrow to save Kokichi, even though he was arguing with him a few minutes earlier and after being kept captive by him for days. He accepts his execution and even spends his last minutes trying to encourage everyone and help them move on.

Kaito Momota is an amazing character and I love him so much. Sorry for all this rambling but I got very emotional and I think this is something that I wanted to say for a really long time.

[kmtam]

I wasn’t planning on saying much (or anything) about the MAGA hat confrontation situation, but since the story not only won’t go away, but is getting much worse by the hour, I’ll drop my two cents here, if for no other reason than posterity.

First, Laura Wagner’s take at Deadspin is really the only one that matters. There’s a lot of effort being put into convincing us that our lying eyes are lying, that the unwavering smirk this kid was giving was anything other than pure white male malice. But as anyone who’s ever been on the receiving end of that particular facial expression knows, it rarely signals anything other than “passive” aggression.

This expression — let’s call it the “smirk-and-stare” — is learned body language that only certain kinds of people can get away with performing — and thus you tend to only see it with those people: that is, smug white boys and men, and in particular smug white boys and men who revel in the safety that their observing friends provide them. I’m a white man myself, but as a kid I was always on the low end of most social ladders I clung to, which meant that boys higher up — rarely those at the top, though, almost always the ones at the “top of the middle” who were insecure about their status and trying to climb higher — these boys would find plenty of reasons to give me the smirk-and-stare. Whether it was because I stood up for myself when guys would taunt me, or because I dressed funny and thus made myself an easy target, a number of guys (whose names I still remember), all back when we were 13-17 or so, found reason at one point or another to step in front of me, get in my face, smile like there was nothing wrong, stare me down, just waiting for me to “do something.” This stuff never happened in private, always in public. And it never happened when these kids didn’t have backup (though it certainly did when I didn’t).

So as someone who’s been on the receiving end of this performance many times, and as someone who studies body language professionally, I can say that no amount of “extra context” will change what this kid was doing. Sure, context absolutely matters! But in all the videos, the context is super clear, and supports our initial assessments. In this case, as in basically all others, the smirk-and-stare is almost always used to demonstrate two different things at once: to the “victim,” who is always figured as somehow inferior (in this case Mr. Philips), it’s meant to signal that the person doing the smirk-and-stare somehow has the up on you, that you’re being “put in your place,” all while providing a sufficient amount of plausible deniability through the smile; to the real audience, in this case the kid’s MAGA-behatted “boys,” it’s meant to signal that the performer is, in fact, a tough guy willing to do some work for the tribe, and thus through the performance he should gain some status in the group as a result.

But of course I don’t need to go through all of this to get to that point. If you watch these videos, and if you’re not willfully trying to muddy the water, what’s going on is plain as day.

This reminds me of a second point, one I make in my introduction to language and culture class. Twenty-five years ago, my late mentor Chuck Goodwin published an analysis of how the Rodney King video was critically (and successfully) dissected by the defense team in the trial of the officers who were recorded beating King. Goodwin’s piece is brilliant for many reasons, but one of them is that it demonstrates how “seeing” things recorded on supposedly “objective” technologies, like video-recordings, is extremely susceptible to manipulation by powerful institutions who have an interest in convincing you that your eyes are lying. When the Rodney King video was first broadcast around the world in 1991, consensus quickly settled on King’s being the victim of police brutality. When I play the video for my students today, most of whom have never seen it, they all pretty much unanimously see the same thing. But what Goodwin shows in his article is how the defense team used the video itself, the supposedly objective record of the events, to undermine the jurors’ common-sense understanding of what was going on. By carefully and meticulously re-describing the beating in a way that aligned with a “professional,” and thus completely acceptable, set of actions on the part of the officers, the defense team was able to convince the jurors that what the officers saw on the night of the beating, and what the rest of the world sees on the video, are completely different — and that what we all see, in the end, is less real than what the officers saw in the moment. This resulted in the jurors delivering acquittals, which resulted in the LA uprising of 1992.

Goodwin initially got some pushback for his analysis because some people read him as denying the racism of the jurors, cops, lawyers, and the system by focusing on the seemingly more anodyne features of language, interaction, and lawyerly practice. But what has become clear, especially in light of the video-recorded murders of Black men that have circulated over the last 5 or 6 years, is that these explanations — racism and institutional manipulation of vision — are not separate, but linked. Indeed, what we find over and over again, including in the MAGA boys case, is that people embedded in and committed to entrenched power structures will always mobilize to protect those power structures by trying to convince everyone else that what they see, even if what they see is as plain as day, is a lie. This isn’t antithetical to racism, it’s a fundamental technique of institutionalized racism, and other forms of discrimination. That’s what we’ve seen happening with the MAGA kids since the first video surfaced, all aided and abetted by powerful media organizations like CNN and NBC. It is one of the most clear examples of white supremacy—in the sense of elevating and protecting whiteness above all else—that I’ve probably ever seen.

And you know what? This technique works. It works because those who employ it do so largely in bad faith, cynically crying out that their “enemies” are the ones manipulating the images, while everyone else argues exasperatedly, and in good faith, that what we see in the video speaks for itself (I mean, it’s what I did above, right?). Meanwhile, media institutions and social media platforms amplify the bad faith by simply “raising questions” that would never be raised if the boys in question were Black or Latino, and all of a sudden the broader white establishment is forcing us all to perform a cynical piece of kabuki theater about a situation that was, without any doubt, clearly a racist act.

All of this raises the more general problem of good faith and bad faith in contemporary politics, which is much more complicated than I want to get into now, but what matters most, I think, is acknowledging that in order to fight against these sorts of techniques, we need to recognize them for what they are, and identify their “species” when we see them: that is, cases where widespread consensus sees one version of events in circulating video-recordings, and a small but vocal and influential minority representing obvious power structures works the refs to claim that what we see is not, in fact, what we see. Once we get a grip on how this general phenomenon works, we’ll be better equipped to fight back.

[the-questionmark-kid]

Fenrir - 12 weeks old

I haven’t been very good at keeping up with this, as most of my energy goes into actually training and handling Fen, as opposed to writing about him. But as I kept telling myself (and everyone else kept telling me) time has passed quickly and a lot of things have improved, so I’m finally able to sit down and do this thing. 

So far, Fen has been to the vet three times since I’ve had him: first, for his initial checkup and some boosters to his base vaccinations and distemper: second, because he threw up and had really bad diarrhea so I was concerned: third for his parvo booster. The first appointment was 5 days after I got him and he whined and screamed the whole time (the tech just nodded and in a moment of silence said, “That good old Shepherd scream, huh?”). The second, he was pretty whiny but calmed down quickly. The third, he barely whined at all and in fact actually fell asleep on the floor of the office (to the bleeding hearts of every tech and vet in the building - it was very cute). He’s weighed in at a whopping 22.8ilbs! 

It’s all in the ears tbh.

Fen does still have the occasional accident inside, but only in the basement, as that is where his kennel and pen are, and where he has to be when I’m not home. It’s getting warmer now, so I’m giving serious consideration to getting him a doghouse for the back porch and putting his lead out there. He doesn’t like being in his pen, and in fact I’ve had to tether him to the back of his kennel so that he doesn’t escape said pen (he’d have an escape artist ability that could rival a goddamned husky if he wasn’t so clingy). As much as I don’t want to spend the money on a doghouse that I won’t be taking with me when I move in 4 months, the current situation isn’t ideal so that’s probably where we’re headed. 

Fen is an extremely laid back dog. I know he’s only 3 months old, but this pup barely ever gets bursts of energy, and when he does, he just wants to play with his toys or go to the park; I saw him with zoomies one(1) time when we went to my friend’s apartment and they riled him up, but he calmed down the instant I had him lay down. Even at the park, he doesn’t sprint (partially...partially because his paws are too big for him and he falls over himself. He falls a lot.) he just finds another dog to annoy and has a blast letting them beat him up. (Fun note: yesterday, there was a husky, Leo, who really liked me and showed this affection by jumping and rubbing on me like a cat would. Fen got very jealous and a little protective, and stood between my legs barking at this dog who’s got like 40Ilbs on him and absolutely no fucks to give. Nothing else, just yelling at this husky for daring to demand the attention of his dad. It was....very, very funny. Especially considering every time we go to the park he steals the heart of every human there. Also Leo had just spent the past 20 minutes putting Fen on his back and sticking his butt in his face.) Anyway, I worried at first that I was over-exercising him and forcing him to have this laid back behaviour, but even on days where we don’t take a super long walk or meet a bunch of new people: he plays with his toys for a few hours, gets tired, and goes to sleep. When he meets new people, he’s ecstatic to go up to them, lick them, and then lay down and get all the pets. He only wakes up and leaves his nap site to follow me around and sit and watch what I’m doing. My dad’s shepherd was not this calm. My wonderful pit mix from my childhood was not this calm. My foster puppy was NEVER this calm (she slept a lot because she was sick but when she was up, she was MOVING, and now she’s super zoomy). None of my grandparent’s labradors were this calm under the age of 5. He’s just like this and it jives wonderfully with my lifestyle. 

As it is, Fen and I do walk over a mile together almost every day. It’s necessary in order to socialise him the way I need him to be socialised - ideally, I would like to train him to be a true emotional support animal and establish behaviours that will help him help me with my anxiety attacks and deep bouts of depression. Also, I’m moving to an extremely dog friendly city and I would very much like to take him with me most places. Fen’s recalls are getting a lot better, to the point where if the cat isn’t moving, he will actually break focus and come to me, away from the cat. I credit that to the amount of time we spend going places and meeting new people and establishing appropriate behaviour in these new places. He’s never made a mess in a store, he’s gotten overly excited maybe once. At this point the only issue I have with Fen in public is 1) he wants to chase cars, 2) he wants to say hello to every single person in existence no matter if they make eye contact or not, and 3) he wants to be friends with every dog he sees. The car chasing is not a big deal, since he’s always on a leash and I really need to just get him downtown on a nice day to watch traffic. Luckily most people either want to say “hi” back and are really understanding of the fact that he’s only 3 months old and has difficulty remembering his manners. The strange dog situation is taking time. He’s does well on his leash when it’s just us and maybe one other person to walk with, and he is responding to “heel” consistently as of yesterday (it still takes a few reminders with treats but I’m extremely satisfied with his progress), so I think the new dog meeting will get better with time. Unfortunately I live in an area with a lot of irresponsible dog owners who don’t seem to understand when their dog is tense, shouldn’t interact with puppies, or just straight up really not dog friendly (man with very large german shepherd at the dog park fence ////// he keeps coming when I’m there and every time that shepherd starts growling and danger barking at one of the other dogs in the fence. Luckily his owner hasn’t brought him in but I’m constantly worried that one day it’ll just be me and Fen and the dude will bring that dog in and.... siiiiiigh I haven’t talked to him but god I hope that day never comes). I had to explain to a couple with a Pomeranian yesterday that their dog is protective and insecure, and his bouncing is play. I get that it’s hard to read body language on small fluffy dogs, but these people actually had no idea. It’s weird being me in this town sometimes.

The cat situation....makes me really sad, to be honest. I love my roommate’s cat so, so much. I adore Regal. The fact that Fenrir, my dog, puts him on edge and harasses him makes me feel absolutely awful. I’m examining all of their interactions and behaviours and I know that this is something that is only going to improve with time, but as of now....it just sucks. This is part of why I’m probably going to end up getting Fen a doghouse for during the day, too. Fen’s stress makes Regal stressed, and that makes for very bad behaviour. Fen is still not being aggressive in the least - nothing in his attitude or body language lead me to believe he wants to hurt Regal - but the attempts to chase put me on edge and I know that makes the whole situation worse. Interacting with the cat is the only complaint I have right now and I am doing my absolute damndest to make it better. I know it takes time, but it’s....draining and demoralizing. 

I usually work Sunday mornings, so this is sort of weird for us both, but Fen and I have started hanging out in my room on the mornings I don’t work before we venture out. He was happily gnawing on his toys and now he’s just napping. The AKC keeps sending me emails every week about what to work on and I’m just like, “yeah we already started on that, it’s going well.” Sometimes I worry that I’m pushing him too hard to learn new behaviours but his specific training sessions don’t last longer than 20 minutes, and then his commands are just reinforced throughout his days. And honestly, he’s very true-to-form shepherd in...every single instance I’ve put him in, minus that fear based anxiety. All of his problems are because he’s “too friendly”, not because he’s afraid. Well, he might be afraid of tiny angry terriers whose owners insist is “usually so friendly”. Yeah, that dog actually make contact. Through a fence. Sigh. 

Who could want to bite this face???

[cpeacephoto]

This is NOT a sad story.

This is a story about how the worst sin I ever committed to someone else, was really the worst sin I ever did to me. It really would be better told in comic form like The Oatmeal but, we work with what we have got.

Between roughly 16 to 26 we are sort of thrust out to figure out who we are, our place in the world, relationships, and so on. It is a lot like feeling your way blindly through a cave. You are told you’re in a cave, you’re told there’s a way out, you’re told you have to get out. That the rewards will be high and so will the punishments. So, you begin to feel your way through with anxiety and excitement. Periods where you gain confidence and periods where you do not want to move anymore. My story is no different.

When I was 16, I moved to a new place. Did not know anyone. In the place I had been I was defined differently. I was someone just starting to gain an interest in photography. At that time, I was nerdy. I played Magic The Gathering, I was interested in role playing games similar to DnD, I had even tried table top games like Warhammer 40k. I was someone who loved to listen to loud angry music and work off the aggression on the bike trails and I liked playing Hacky Sack at lunch. I enjoyed writing deeply and I really enjoyed being a part of the group. And I felt like I was somebody in my group. I was someone who was snarky, witty, quick with a clever pop culture reference, funny, and weird. In my social group I was someone that could be counted on for deep conversations, something funny, and being dependable. I was someone who was not afraid to voice his opinions even if he was hopelessly wrong, to get into arguments, and even if it hurt still believed that conflict was okay. It did not mean it was over. It meant you learned more about each other and yourself.

In the new place I was at, everyone was different. Everyone except one amazing person who was busy on their own journey. Life has a funny way of speaking to you. It does not use words, or voices, or even explicit action. You have instincts. And sometimes those instincts tell you things like to stay away from someone or to do a certain task. When I saw this person before we had even met yet I just knew they were the most important thing in my life.

We became friends. Not at first as it was bumpy. But I persisted. And I have never regretted it. When we finally learned how to talk to each other it was amazing. Not so much over great distances like letters or the internet. But in person we just seemed to click. Those conversations were like talking to the deepest parts of your own soul. Learning something new about them was like learning a truth of the universe. Doing things with them, just felt right.

My friend and I connected because were both snarky, witty, and most of all weird. We both loved to live in our own little imaginative worlds. And we would talk about it to great length. The little movies we had played out in our heads in places that never existed. It also did not hurt that I was helpless to the fact they had this amazingly big beautiful brain. They were amazingly compassionate. Not afraid to get their hands dirty. Weird in all the right innocent ways. Had a face I could not really say no to and was comforted by just being the room with.  

But it did not take long before I begin to commit my sin. Right from the beginning I changed. It started by not playing computer games. They did not play the same games. And I was so worried about fitting in or looking stupid that I stopped playing them too. Same with the Magic cards, the RPG’s, the tabletop games, all of it. As time grew, I began to vocally look down at these activities. Trying to fit in by being mean just to fit in, even though I was really being mean to myself by not participating.

Our conversations inside our little worlds continued. But they slowly began to degrade. The trips to our fantasy escape became less frequent as the real world became more and more a forefront. I stopped writing. High school ended and we ended up at school. They had their entire life roughly mapped out. All I knew was that they were important. We ended up at neighboring Universities. Both now in new places again, trying to figure out who we were individually, together, and around other people.

The idea of having to “grow up” became more and more a concern for me. I so desperately did not want to be left behind. I wanted to stake my claim to a place in this world. Like a lot of young people, I was being told repeatedly that I had to do everything right or I was going to be living in a van down by the river. They no one would be coming to save me from a horrible life. It also didn’t help that like a lot of young people I was someone who was quick to judgment, quick to anger or fight, and quick to opinions. I was also slow to forgive, and I hated waiting. I wanted my perfect life and I wanted it now.

Life is a lot like floating down a river in a boat. It flows, it moves in one direction, and you really cannot change the shape of the river by yourself. Where and how you end may not be as where or how you planned from the start. You usually do not see the end from the start. More importantly you cannot get to the end of the river at the start. You have to take the journey, no matter how that river my twist and turn, slow or speed, be it rough or smooth.

There are signals if you take the moment to look for them. Just as I knew my friend was important, I knew change was coming. I can remember one morning walking down the hill from where we were staying. I was alone. And all I could think of is somehow, someway, it would be a long time before I would be walking up this hill again. It was going to be long and it was going to hurt. And when I got to the hill again, there’d be a dark-haired woman with me but I couldn’t see her face.

As time progressed, I saw my friend around a lot of new people. I grew insecure. I could feel my friend growing distant. In some ways it felt like they were not themselves anymore. I so desperately wanted to help them. And in my insecurity, I also feared being left behind. And I feared those new friends. I began cutting away more pieces of myself. It felt like the stakes of life in the real world where getting higher, and harder. That I needed to continue to make a bigger and better effort to try and keep up. To prove my worth and to keep everything together. I kept trying to lose things that were “kids stuff” or “weird” because part of me worried I was losing my friend because these other people were somehow more adult than I was.

By the time things fell apart my friend was already long gone. It was really just a formality at this point. Under all the pressure and with the very obvious failing that had now taken place cracks began to form in the physical world. I stopped eating, drinking, sleeping. My mind raced and I looked for answers anywhere I could get them. I was determined that I could prove I was good enough. I would prove I was paying attention and I was strong enough. I can keep up if you just do not leave me here. “I can fix this” became a death chant. Determined I just needed more time, more data.

The escalation happened fast. The answer came quickly. It was not a call for help, it was not a mean hurtful arrogant call for attention. It felt right. Once again, I felt like I was stepping up. Making the tough call and being the adult world needed me to be. I did not want to, but I had to. It made sense. And oddly anything making sense in that moment felt like stress relief. All I had to do was lose the last part of me I had left.

Things do not work out like they do in the movies. No one is coming to save you. Not that I really had anyone besides my parents to by then anyways. The best plans do not always work out. It is not quick, or painless, no one calls you a hero at the end of it. Instead whatever resemblance of a life you have left is now gone. Everyone hates you. You have nothing. No matter how bad you think your life is, it can always get worse.

The worst things I ever did to someone else, was the worst thing I ever did to me. In an attempt to fit in, solve insecurities, be and do what I thought my friend and everyone else wanted me to be or do I lost myself. By slowly losing who I was, I lost them. I lost giving the reason to see me with value. And they lost apart of themselves trying to compensate. For them, it took leaving the empty shell I had become to find me in other people.

Everything you need to know about existence can be summed up with 3 words: it goes on. My friend and their new friends lived life. Their journey of self-discovery continued without me. In short, they began the process of finding themselves again. And fortunately, they had lots of people around them for support. It is surely a process that will have likely led them to many places, many people, sadly a few bouts of pain, but lucky some joy as well.

Life rarely gives you what you want when you want it. But if you are listening it’ll give you want you need whether you’re ready for it or not. For me, I knew this meant waiting for something. But I did not know what. And I knew it meant becoming something, but I did not know what. And I never knew why to either.

Every person, every place, every situation, happens for a reason potentially. A lesson in what to do, or not to do. A lesson that teaches us who we really are. The hero of the story rarely is the person they were at the end of the story as they were at the beginning. They usually needed to do something and become something different. Like my friend, my story continued as well.

This was a new phase of life. From the spot I landed myself I had nothing. No friends, no school, no job. I was alone. I was a hollow hulk of a person. Anyone around me told me I was broken, and I believed them. Because they thought I was broken they tried to fix it with medications, their own decisions, advice on what I should do, and so on. But I was not broken. It was amnesia. I simply had forgotten who I was.

That is the way my life continued for a while. I would eventually no longer be medicated. I would finish school, where I started even, though it was not easy. I would find work. Not careers but work. I found a way to survive. Handle all the check boxes of the real world. But I was alone. No friends, no new romances. Just surviving.

At some point I would make the horrible mistake a lot of people make. When in doubt I would do what those in my orbit told me to do. Coworkers, parents, whatever passed for a friend at the time. I would date other people because they said it is what I needed to do. Hook up with other people because they said it is what I needed to do. Not talk to certain people because they said it is what I needed to do. None of it ever felt right.

And the whole time I would keep myself locked up from other people, making friends, having fun, finding out what I enjoy, doing the things I used to like to do. Holding myself to this impossible standard of having to be better than I am. That it is all my fault. That I am some sort of monster. That this should just be easy. I should just know. That funny feelings like “I’ll be here again”, “they’re important”, “this isn’t meant for me”, “and I need to wait” was just stupid. That recurring or all too real dreams were just stupid dreams and proof I belonged in my box.

My story would end up taking me west. First to someplace new and then back to where I had started when all of this began. While I would meet a lot of people in that time, I would not make a lot of friends. Honestly, I had spent most of my 20s alone.

It sounds horrible but time has a funny way of grinding down mountains to sand. Space to just sit in a box and scream until you are just tired of screaming, learn screaming isn’t doing anything, accept you’re in the box. Time gives you a chance to think. It gives you a chance to find patience. It gives you time to find humility. It gives you time to find forgiveness. And it gives your perspective. Over the course of time I would find myself less willing to get into fights or arguments. Less quick to anger. Less worried about politics. Less interesting in things that did not really mattered.

Slowly but surely, I’ve been given glimpses of myself. Like breadcrumbs on a path to follow. I got to play Munchkin with a few a few times and was able to feel a little like me again. I was able to form a better relationship with my sibling and do regular long-distance computer games together and get to feel a little like me. And I get to do photography.

Photography for me is a great sense of wonder. I am not the best at it, and that’s okay. I am not trying to be “an artist” anymore. I like looking at something and seeing an image. Getting that film back and just getting that feeling of, “wow, that worked out really well”. That pride of “I did that”.  

In portraits, I would really get to feel myself again. I would get to try to create images that made me feel like my old friend was still around. Even if the photos from the shoot sucked, I would get to meet a new person. And my favorite thing to do with that new person was talk for hours and hours about my old friend. Talk fondly of them, how wonderful they are, why they should go look at their works, and so on. It is in those moments I get to come alive, feel complete again, and do something that really truly fills me with joy and with purpose. I get to remember who I am just a little bit. The best compliment I ever got from someone was how they hopes someone they used to know would talk so fondly about them 10 years later as I do about my old friend. So, the photos became breadcrumbs into who I am. Visual clues to helping me remember a part of me I lost.

I write this out because as you look at my photos, this is why they exist. They are windows into who I used to be, and into who I am. But I do not regret meeting my old friend or anything that happened. I believe we met for a reason, we parted for a reason, I had to do the things that happened after for a reason. And that if I am right, I will see my friend again someday for a reason. Because somehow, I just feel like my story ends where it started.

I also write it down for me. A million people have said a million things to me. Maybe they are right. But at least in this moment I can record something from me that helps remind me who I really am.

I am someone who can still be snarky, witty, funny, and sarcastic. Quick to a pop culture reference I can have whole random conversations where every reply includes the title of a song by the same artist just to see if the other person catches it. I still enjoy being randomly weird. I like singing in the car, making up songs in the moment about doing stupid things like changing my shirt or feeding the cat. I really enjoy my fantastic mixer and baking cookies or making waffles. Not eating so much, just baking. I believe that house cleaning, putting away groceries, and baking should be done to happy music. I like visiting the local comic book store even if I haven’t built up the courage to buy anything yet.

I like playing video games be they with a sci-fi or fantasy twist. But only as long as they remain fun and not become work. My goal is never to advance in the game, but to have the conversations I have with the people playing. If we win, it will be together. The ending does not matter if I play alone. I believe in owning only 1 television and not wasting my life in front it despite all the amazing sci-fi and fantasy shows. I enjoy deep conversations. The best parts of photo shoots are always conversations.

You will find I am someone who likes to collect enamel pins. Not necessarily sets or anything of value. And I do not wear them around. But I like having pins that remind me of things and I keep them in a display case. I have also found I really like bluesy rock music from people such as Buddy Guy, Keb’ Mo’, John Mayer, Marc Broussard, Beth Hart and Joe Bonamassa. That despite wearing mostly black you will find I usually have some sort of cat themed or nerd themed like Game of Thornes socks on. Because what’s life without whimsy?

               Someone who even though may not be the most courageous person in the room I am willing to take a risk in the moment if it betters others. While I do not always succeed at everything and learning to let go of some things has been hard, when I felt deep inside something was important, I am someone who does not give up on it. Not when it hurts. Not when others say to. Not when it has clearly kicked me down. Because I believe the fight is not over until I give up.

               While I have never been religious and I don’t know how much stock I put into holistic concepts like auras, ghosts, fate, past lives, the meanings of dreams, and so on, I do think there’s things in this world we don’t understand. Magic is just science we do not understand yet. We are built with instincts. And while I take it with a grain of salt, I do think that funny feelings, repeating dreams, and déjà vu, matters. Sometimes you need to just listen to what the world is telling you.

I am someone who believe that at least once a month I need to fully clean my house, particularly the kitchen and bathrooms back to a “zero” point. And that I do not like a cluttered garage just for storage. Hoarding junk for junk’s sake. You should know where a tool is and easily be able to get it. Everything has a home. But maybe that is just those Toyota Way classes I had to take.

I like the fact I have a job that is potentially a career. I have stable income from a company that is invested in me. I own a house, make car payments, standing on my own, work towards a retirement in that town where the hill was. I want my old age to be peanut butter milk shakes by the light house and taking comfort that even if we never speak my old friend is nearby.

I like that in my job I get to know what is going on with my company, I get to be responsible for my facility, make decisions, approve, and manage spending. That I get to be the guy people go to for answers (even if they are not always fun, I am honest). And that when in doubt I am the guy who gets things done. It is not my dream job, but I like what it gives me. And I have learned from any job that working full time gives me purpose. I hate just sitting at home with nothing to do.

I am someone who really does not like being mean, or having others be mean, just for mean sake. I also do not like trying to lie or argue my way out of a problem. I believe if I have done something wrong, I own up to it. I am likely to punish myself more for it than they anyways.  

And I like photography. I like exploring new places. I like talking to new people. I like trying to think of different setups or go hunting for what I think is a photo. I like getting the film back and feeling amazed when something works out. I love that mechanical feel of old film cameras with their cranks and ratchet advancements.

I still get lost from time to time. I still forget who I am, get insecure, and get anxious. There have been times when my overly analytical self has thought something to death and my mind races. Sometimes I still crawl back into my box of how I am a horrible monster and there is no one here to tell me no or help me back out. But slowly, I am becoming me again.

I have not forgotten my friend either. I still wear my side zip combat boots. I know that Mac and Cheese must be made with real cheese. That socks cannot be worn to bed because “feet were made to be free”. I am conscious of having ambient noise like a fan that is on but not necessarily cooling. Food does not have to be just for fuel and Chinese buffets, pies, raspberries, are all meant to be samples for textures and combinations. That there is a difference between “be right back” and “I’ve got to go” and not to leave people hanging. And of course, how to change the brakes on my car.

Obviously, my story is not yet over. I fully am thankful for everywhere I have been and everyone I have met. I do not regret any of the people I met along the way. Even if it was not always a pleasant experience. But I never forgot my old friend. I still believe I will end up on that hill again with someone. And I still feel like I just know some way, somehow, my story’s end is with them.

I know in part because if I am incredibly lucky, on the rare occasion I can extend my telescope to see my old friend on their boat. Taking their journey. And no matter who they are with or what they are doing, seeing their face or their work just makes me feel complete. Happy, sad; sometimes. But always complete. It makes whatever problems were bothering me that day go away. That it is all going to be okay.

I know because it is amazing to know they are okay. To see them happy even around someone else, just makes me feel like I can have a big smile that they are going to be happy and safe. And I know that one day our boats would meet again when we become who we needed to be at that part of the story. That I was built for them.

This is not a sad story. It is the story of how the worst thing I ever did to another person was the worst thing I ever did to myself. I forgot who I was. And it is the ongoing story of remembering who I am. Telling stories and sharing images. Until finally my ship makes its way back home.

Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy what you find here.

[rorahkeepgoing]

Mates relationship *trying to not becoming it a shipping post.... FUCK!*

Okaaaaaaaaaay, what the hell did i just write?!!!! this is not what i wanted to write ISTG (kind of)...  never mind. For whatever developing between the characters  and my cross is cos my analysis on the characters and the interactions in the gameplay(of course it's subjective, i can't avoid it). I always like to question every word said by the charas, and do an inspection about the interaction so: this is what came out. 

Yelv is a good character and i love to see yelv/cross interactions (andiwillendupshippingitifthecharactersfeelsnaturaland”true”tothecanon/notjustforyelv/4everypartymembertoo). 

I rly question the ppl who said that the characters on X are worst than the xcx charas cos lack of character developing and poor personalities... PFFFF LIES!!!!, all of them develop in a subtle eye away from the main plot, just look carefully and pay attention adding a little brain is enough, they all are great (i can’t even say which one is the weakest character there). 

Want to do the same with other important members (just dk what will be next....suggestions?... anyone?..lel i know) and it will not be as corny/drama/issues as this for sure, adding little funny HC  (which couldn't do here cuz lost the control of what I was typing...istg) Also idk how to add some external crosses since all of them are the same and this HC comes from my gameplay... HOW?!.

Their first meeting was in NLA, Natasha had been allowed to take her first walk through the city freely and her first intention was to talk to as many people as possible to gather information. It was then, in one of the narrow alleys on the commercial district she ran into that rather grumpy man who immediately jumped aggressively trying to make her leave. Natasha, a bit perplexed, tried to talk to this man again without any success. It was the first time someone had been unkind in what she had been treading on these new lands, H.B. wasn't a thing yet. Minutes later, marked the spot on her communicator as: "asshole here, avoid the place"

It was a wrong foot starter, (after accepting the affinity mission) Yelv asked her to perform some tasks  to prove if it was really true that, between mouths go round about the new survivor. They said she was pretty and qualified, taken in by the beautiful commander Elma, his former trainer in the reclaimers division. If she was taken by her, she must be capable of success and maybe she will help him to achieve his goal since no one else wanted to listen or help him, apart from that, lot of them were a bunch of pathetic weaklings. 

In response, she simply ignored him, made excuses at his insistence, and finally aimed him with a weapon to get lost... <<The kitten has claws and he likes it ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   >>

We all know that story and the rest of it. Natasha accepted it of course, after all: an order/a mission has to been done (robot complex). 

For Yelv, she was bleak, cold like a computer and a bit tasteless. It made him wonder if she was human and despite everything, she seemed like a well-trained puppy who you can give an order and she brings you the world, so he figured it might work anyway while he would keep doing his things at his way.

Perceptions changed a little, right after their first encounter. Natasha found an imprudent hothead guy which didn't measure the size of his tongue nor the limits of his thoughts (and loud, VERY LOUD) also, honest and a good man, he was different... and needed help with his combat methods. On the other side, Yelv found gossip wasn’t wrong, she was capable, quite capable. She was swift and clear, precise, nimble, a bit wild after a while, she banged with the weapons, strong kicks and hits, If the enemy was very large, she'ld easily ride the beast to hit it at key points, also used the environment in her favor and as an extra weapon, she really knows how to move. <<Damn! she was sexy>>.

Yelv had been satisfied, Natasha could definitely help him but they had to get a couple more missions done so she could open up a little more. In fact, was a short time that she had stopped appearing tasteless. Time that gained more and more recognition among BLADE members.

During the course, Natasha began to be bolder with her interactions and behavior in general, even beginning to make small jokes with such a serene countenance causing dismay on him. <<Is she was serious or was teasing him?>>. Anyway, she started to be more friendly and welcomed, while seemed everything that comes out from Yelv mouth made her laugh <<At last someone was laughing at his jokes!>>. 

A good friendship. Natasha always was supportive with him and vice versa, trying to made him progress with his combat skills since he had strength and a lot of potential but wasted cos wasn't focused properly every time, rather he easily get distracted and unnecessary confident that being knocked out was common on him. They worked in complement that made them an unstoppable duo, or at least that was what Yelv said. While she weakened it he gave it the knockout, sometimes was the other way round.

Natasha found on him a great supporter friend, a comrade who during her excursions Yelv was the only one who didn’t contain her or reprimand her for not following the security protocols ( Frye and Mia too but they were different...*also Alexa-skellshead* Mia was good tho) or stoping her to exploring inaccessible and dangerous places; she loves to explore and he likes the risk. She also felt a connection since he was the only one who also suffered from amnesia. So their conversations could open up a little more to just earth memories, people they lost or skells obsessions, they could have much more casual, volatile and more fun conversations .There were few people with whom she could have such conversations, but their common ground made it more pleasant (sometimes the conversation topic was his lost friend but it was fine, as it was interesting * until he was over obsessed* ).

Nat stopped to worrying about recovering her memories, maybe it could carry her to something she didn’t want to remember.... What if she had lost someone too? maybe a lot of loved ones, or maybe no one which it makes it saddest, better to let it like this and enjoy their new home. Yelv was agree, but also told her that somehow not remember those who gave their lives for her was inconsiderate.

It was not a secret that Yelv developed a feeling for her. Well, since the beginning he never stopped to call her hottie/ babe and after a while pard (coming out from the translation pard=Figura=figura mujer= hottie). Lin knew it, Elma knew it, Nagi knew it (when Irina found out, she didn’t get him out of her threats), and many companions who had never imagined working along on occasional missions because of her. Yet Natasha did not seem to notice it and that  was good, because his priority was his lost friend, he didn't wanted to get distracted by love, love was for the weak ones and  if he wanted a lassie, he just take some when he desired and get some fun. But not her, she was his friend and in some way, she resembles him his lost friend because of her kindness, worry and her constant assist in people's problems without  judging them.

The fact that she reminded him his old friend was not good at all either. It also had something bad, that is, his friend was the cool guy with whom all the girls wanted to date, the one with the ease speech and everyone liked him, he was so good that he was his best friend: he who was nothing to his side, damn!, even getting chicks was difficult as hell for him, fighting indigenous was easier than conquer hearts.

 Well that also shared with Natasha who was a gorgeous and intelligent woman with a big heart and now quite recognized among all BLADE, citizens and xenomorphs, more than one did not take their eyes off her (issue that made him even more jealousy and aggressive with the men around her, some women, definians (god, he hates definians!) and suspicious xenomorphs in general). Even so, she was still joining someone like him. All this made him more unsettled: Getting distracted, avoid her, walking close to her because jealousy protective, belligerent and more obsessive about finding his friend. Whatever to put all his thoughts of her away and definitely wasn't going to admit his kind of crush on her, although it didn't stop him to strutting like a peacock in front of her, trying to impress her and get some hint that Natasha could showed attraction to him.

You know the rest (so so), their relationship is balanced with good and conflictive moments between them. Neither of them are perfects and the developing of a relationship took too long due to the conflictive, insecure and obsessive guy and the fearful concerned and dreamy gal. The ghost of her past made her feel fearful of get attached to  things, persons to love because having materials and people in her life means that all this can disappear and becoming  her vulnerable: “they can’t take away anything from us if we have nothing”. 

However, following that kind of life also made no sense and by that time Natasha had a large circle of what she could call friends / family. To reach this logic wouldn't take more than it would take the man to admit his feelings and tell her. A big surprise by the people in charge of the artificial intelligence program  since it was not provided, the question was whether this could help or could be harmful.

The fact that Yelv isn't a normal human been only adds a small but surmountable conflict. Natasha is just a similar case on the opposite side of the situation; That is, mechanical engineering and sustainable artificial intelligence was the counterpoint of the induced biogenetic engineering and modeled behavior.

Whether they came to know everything or only one part of it would be another conflict surmountable and material to forge a better relationship. Besides that regaining Natasha's knowledge would aid in the advancement of the manufacture of organic matter and the subtraction of consciences to obtain new organic bodies, or otherwise prosper as half machines.

Their relationship developed slowly (but save). Lot of time to become a couple and even kisses were a thing who also took a  time(due to the nervousness/ distraction of his and a distracted/trolling Nat, it also depends on how was the declaration.... which has infinite possibilities *notgonnawritteaboutit...or...amI?NO!*), another one for the next step and more for the next steps. Patience wasn't Yelv's fort and yet he survived that way controlling all the mess of a person he was because he focused all his energies and Natasha kept him at bay.   He also knew that sometimes she had crazy ideas ( with a mind out of her), it was better not to lead her that way cos some times it was creepy. 

It is possible to say that in the case of Roxanne’s arise, it would generate tension since obviously Yelv was a primitive guy with a poor education type that doesn't come improving the human species (purpose of their creation) or nothing important to contributing (in Rox's point of view), also he wasn’t a human!. ~~~~~~~~~~~~

Done (?) I had to stop. Also gonna add these sketches here... whynot?!.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #98

“white trash, get down on your knees.”

have you ever lied to a person of authority? what did you say? i mean, i've lied to my parents. and i don't know, multiple things that don't immediately come to my head. are your eyebrows darker than your hair? yeah. what do you prefer, lasagna or spaghetti and meatballs? spaghetti w/ meatballs. i don't like lasagna because of the cheese. are all your pets micro chipped? no, but they have tags. would you ever cope in a jail? NO. i would be depressed out of my SENSES. have you ever seen an alligator in person? in zoos as well as the wild. when hurricane floyd like ruined everything, the zoo flooded and was essentially destroyed. apparently, an alligator got out, because i saw one in the ditch once shortly after the hurricane. that zoo was never rebuilt. do you live across from a corn field? no, but i once lived across from a tobacco field. welcome to nc. how long have you been tattooed? if you’re not, do you want to get tattooed?  i got my first for my 18th birthday, so a few years. are you a liberal?  not mostly, but i have some liberal traits, ex. i support gay marriage. were you fearless or a coward in the face of the child hunter in "chitty chitty bang bang?" i'm pretty sure he scared me. i don't remember much about the movie. did you ever hit anything while learning to drive?  i literally almost immediately hit a curb lol. jeff foxworthy, bill engvall, ron white, or larry the cable guy? i enjoy them all, but jeff's gotta top the list. have you or a pet ever gotten a tapeworm? no. i would rather die than get one. i am deathly afraid of internal parasites. do you know any furries? yes. i once lived with two of 'em. do you ever worry about your future? (i.e.: college, marriage, kids, etc)  yes. more than anything, i worry about what my job situation is going to be like. do you snore? steal the covers? roll around in your sleep? I STEAL THE FUCK OUT OF COVERS is the lion the best character in "the wizard of oz?"  i actually like the scarecrow. would you immediately look for someone right after you broke up with your bf/gf? no. it just doesn't seem... right. if you became a doctor, would you help your patients kill themselves? no. just. no. do you tell your best friend EVERYTHING? no. do you have someone who you can be your complete self around? only sara and connie. have you ever tried to learn another language? how did it go? i took four years of german, and i got to the point where i was pretty fluent. it's atrophied all to hell though. have you ever shared a house with a significant other? an apartment, yes. do you have a crush on anyone? tell me about them. i'm dating whom i have a crush on. have you ever had something signed by someone famous? what and who? no. i think. does your father have any facial hair? he has a van dyke beard/mustache. have you ever felt like you were making a mistake when dating someone? oh boy, have i. did you continue the relationship or end it when you realized? ended it. do you think you look similar to your siblings? we have some similarities. ex., we all have the same shade of brown hair naturally. have you ever played cards against humanity? did you like it? oh my actual god, one time when i was at colleen's, we did as a family. we all had a couple drinks, so it was funnier than it should've been. closest i have EVER been to peeing myself. however, it's not as funny with subsequent plays, because you know what cards to expect. do you know anyone who’s lived through a natural disaster? yeah, me and many family members and friends. hurricanes are a common occurrence in nc. how many brothers/sisters do you have? two immediate sisters, one half-brother, three half-sisters. are you lactose intolerant? no. would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?  dude i am the weirdest mix of both lol. how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain. they are wonderful ways of expression. i just find some piercings aesthetically pleasing on certain people, while tattoos are how you can easily paint the picture of your life on yourself. list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel. i've only been to one, and that was alice cooper. it was very fun, despite thunderstorming the whole time. have you ever been on drugs for anxiety, depression, mental illness? i have been since the 6th grade and i still am. do you like green apples?  only if they're crisp. have you ever had a guinea pig for a pet? yes. squeak, harry potter, snickers, and one other whose name i've forgotten... do you shop at hot topic? yes. have you ever studied any new age or occult religions such as wicca?  no, but they intrigue me, especially wicca. would you rather be a boy or girl?  a girl. do you prefer to be around introverted or extroverted people?  introverted. not trying to generalize here, but i find they tend to be more insightful. what do you think makes you a good girlfriend or boyfriend? i'm devoted and loyal as fuck, very loving, and will emotionally support a partner through thick and thin. what do you think makes you a bad girlfriend or boyfriend? one, my anxiety and insecurity. i've also never encountered this situation before, but i honestly feel that i'd get pretty jealous if he ever hung out with another girl platonically, because i'm immensely paranoid. like do not get me wrong, i wouldn't prevent him from doing it, i'd just be very worried. an issue i'm sure a lot of people would have with me is the fact i'm a pretty big prude. has anyone written a song or a piece of poetry about you? yeah. but i can virtually guarantee he used it on other girls. how many drinks does it take for you to become drunk?  i wouldn't know, considering i've never been drunk. i was relatively tipsy after four bottles of very mild alcohol, though. do you admire brutal honesty?  sometimes. other times it is completely unnecessary. what is your party trick? hiding out in the background somewhere, playing with your pet. <-- THIS haha <<< SAME if you had a mental disorder, what would it be? i'm diagnosed with chronic depression, general anxiety & social anxiety, ptsd (which i think i'm recovered from), and i've heard both bipolar ii and borderline personality disorder. do you think the "paranormal activity" movies were scary? no. i actually liked them. do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed? i'm honestly very passive, so aggressive. the last time you drank with someone else or more than one person who was in the worst shape? chelsea always is. she takes two bottles of light alcohol and she's vomiting lol. what would you say is the worst part of high school, period? you're going through it in arguably the biggest time of your life. you are constantly changing and developing and going through so much mentally. you're still figuring out who you want to be. not to mention, you're expected to make huge decisions, all the while still having to ask to go to the bathroom. you have so much responsibility just all of the sudden while your brain is morphing a lot. are you someone who actually likes to babysit children? no. too much responsibility. not to mention they try to get into everything; you can't turn away for two seconds. what is the worst name a friend has ever called you? do you remember? probably just "bitch" or something along the line. no friend has ever called me one to my face, but i can literally guarantee some have. ACTUALLY. to my face, i was called a martyr by my ex's friend after the break-up. and i'm certain he didn't mean it as in "you'd die for your beliefs," he meant it as in "hey you pretend it's the apocalypse to get sympathy."  which is entirely fucking untrue about me. that honestly hurt a lot and it still sticks with me. it honestly made me more uncomfortable to express my feelings. do you find any of your friends’ parents creepy or really mean? i can't stand colleen's mom because she's a grade-a bitch, and her dad makes me uncomfortable, but he's not creepy. what is your least favorite word? i literally abhor the word "cunt." hurts to even type. what turns you on? various, pretty normal stuff. what turns you off? the usual stuff - bad hygiene, bad manners, etc <–Yep. <<<< I agree. <<<<< same. have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? i've had one since the 6th grade. have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? not a legitimate crush, no. who is your celebrity crush? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) who is your most loyal friend? i honestly feel like connie. we've literally never fought, and she's always been there.

why are you happy, if you even are?

 because i've come so far in my recovery that i have no excuse to complain.

is there a secret you’ve never told your parents?

 yes.

what do you think of when you hear the name mark?

lol you know exactly who i think of.

kristin?

 no one.

zoe?

only the best character from "ssx tricky"

jamie?

 no one.

adam?

alex shepherd's dad from "silent hill: homecoming"

carmen?

the best dancer that was ever at the dance studio i used to go to

do you like fluffy yogurts?

NO. i CANNOT do the texture.

don’t you hate that you have to watch the baby being born in health class?

 i actually never did. but i physically wouldn't have been able to. i would've 100% shielded my eyes.

what’s the earliest memory you have?

walking out into the living room with my stuffed baby bunny and seeing ashley play "medievil" (i'm pretty sure that's how they spelled it). we all used to love that game. we only had the demo disc, though.

do you ever say “fail” when people mess up?

no, but i usually say "gg" lol

how important is it for a significant other to be good with kids?

not all that important considering i don't want any, but simultaneously, i certainly wouldn't tolerate them being mean to kids.

what was the last thing that hurt your feelings? was it warranted or do you think you just took it too personally?

i'd rather just not talk about it, but yeah, it was warranted.

what is your dad’s name?

kenneth, but everyone calls him ken.

does your mother have a sister? if so, what's her name?

 ... wait,

does

she? i don't think so, actually... maybe...

is your favorite color the same as when you were a kid?

 not exactly; my first favorite color was just normal red, now it's maroon.

who last grabbed your ass?

 chelsea lol

have you ever been called a slut/whore?

no, because i am literally the direct opposite. well correction, chelsea, colleen, and alex have playfully, but none of them have ever meant it. we all call each other shit names lol. all in love<3

who is your favorite foreign singer/musician?

 rammstein. they have amazing music and their lyrics are usually pretty cool.

do you ever get mad at people for not having the same opinion as you (ie abortion being wrong/right, meat-eating being wrong/right)?

no. i enjoy people having different opinions.  grow the fuck up and let people think differently.

do you edit any of your pictures? in what ways?

yes. i tend to do general things, like color correction and basic enhancement. sometimes i do more, particularly if it's legitimate photography of mine, in which case i tend to either bump up or desaturate the colors.

who do you know personally that has a nice singing voice?

 colleen

what months were you and your siblings born in?

as far as immediate siblings, april and june, and i was born in february.

do you prefer prince or michael jackson?

jackson. i was never into prince.

do you like spring rolls?

yeah. ruby tuesday's has the best.

when was the last time you painted something?

it's been about a year.

name one favorite thing to do with kids while babysitting.

if they're old enough, i love to teach them how to play games from my childhood. if not, idk. i just in general don't like watching kids.

what kind of things do you post on tumblr?

rhett&link + markiplier stuff, mostly. but i also reblog some funny stuff, plus meerkat pictures.

what band would you stand in line for 24 hours to see?

 none.

name the three biggest things that make up you.

passion, anxiety, dank memage. *finger guns*

what song is your ‘anthem’?

 the song "that's what you get" by paramore reminds me most of myself, particularly the line "i drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating."

which movie villain do you find the most terrifying?

hmmm. a number. i find christabella laroache from the "silent hill" moving frightening (no, i'm not being biased) because she's like the queen example that religion can drive people insane. the joker is also horrifying for the simple fact he's legitimately insane.

do you think frogs/toads look disgusting?

no, they're cute.

what happens when you strongly disagree with someone?

if i voice my opinion, i get very scared that they'll get angry with me. if i don't, nothing. i just accept their opinion.

have you ever been tested for drugs?

yes, while i was at the er for suicide attempts/being suicidal.

do you own any fish? if so, are the docile or aggressive?

no.

if your lover cheated on you and profusely apologized, would you accept them back into your life?

nope.

are you allergic to any insect bites?

no.

who is your favorite golden girl?

rose!!! (:

what is your favorite commercial of the moment?

it is legitimately always going to be the sexy mr. clean commercial lmao

do you have any famous relatives?

 not relatives, but ancestors. we're related to queen victoria and william clark.

favorite album?

"black rain" by ozzy osbourne. i literally love every song on the album and it was my first voyage into heavy metal.

if your son said he was gay, how would you react?

i would be really really proud of him for trusting me with such a thing!!

would you date someone who played video games all weekend long?

 so long he does his responsibilities, sure. let him do what he enjoys.

what are your top three video games of all time?

"silent hill 2," "amnesia: a machine for pigs," and then probably "silent hill 3."

what's your favorite care bear?

i remember i liked the one with a rainbow on its stomach.

state 8 facts about your body.

i'm 5'5''. just gonna say i'm bigger than i'm supposed to be. i have five piercings. my hair is naturally brown, but dyed red. my eyes are blue. the nail on both of my rings fingers is slightly deformed (my sisters' are, too). i have incredibly tiny toes. i wear glasses.

what was your kinkiest wet dream?

 not a kinky person over here.

what song, no matter where you are or what you are doing, immediately takes you back to high school?

 "all signs point to lauderdale" by a day to remember, DEFINITELY.

do you think you could join the army?

no way. i couldn't anyway because i'm mentally ill/have a suicidal history.

would you date someone who has cheated in their previous relationships?

nope.

do you have soft hands? do you like holding hands?

just about everyone who's ever touched my hands tells me they're soft. and yeah, so long they're not sweaty.

do you think having a sleepover with a guy is theoretically acceptable?

 to me, it really depends on where you're sleeping.

have you ever failed a class?

 only in college.

have you ever cried over a breakup?

 only for over a year.

are you planning on dying your hair any time soon?

hopefully.

do you feel as though you're good at understanding/communicating with animals?

people have called me dr. doolittle since i was a very young kid for a reason lol

where would you like to spend your honeymoon?  

i actually don't have big plans. i'd just love to spend a little while in the mountains of nc.

what's one thing you collected as a child:

stickers. my dresser at the time was legitimately covered.

what fictional animal do you wish was real?

oh my GOD, the fey dragons from wow. they are fucking adorable and so pure.

have you ever been told you’ve punched someone in your sleep?

lol yeah. sorry, jason.

have you ever written a song or poem for someone special?

 a few poems, yeah.

what is your favorite vampire book/movie/show?

 i remember i loved the book "bite me"

do you actually know anyone who is homophobic?

 yes.

did you ever read "the giver"? see the movie?

i read the book and loved it.

what was your first impression of your best friend?

i don't have a *best* friend, but i'll answer for the two closest to me. one, i don't really remember because we were super super young. the other, oh my god it was obvious we hated each other.

what is your profile pic a picture of?

i'mma just answer for like... all of them lol. main tumblr & youtube: link neal (but i'mma change yt to mark when i'm not being lazy); facebook&this blog: me; deviantart: an oc; km rp: mark fischbach; aaand i'm sure i'm forgetting some

have you ever been dumped really harshly?

very. he dumped me over facebook messenger like a coward, considering we'd been dating for 3 1/2 years.

has a tree ever fallen down on your house?

yes, during a hurricane. i was totally knocked out asleep so i didn't even hear it land directly above my head lol. then at our second house, a tree fell on our fuel tank, literally landing directly beside the cap, sooo we're lucky as fuck it didn't blow up.

would you ever get your hips pierced?

no. dermals sound really painful.

what if someone asked you to be in a relationship with them?

 i'm in a relationship right now and am happy that way.

what will your next piercing be?

my nose.

what do you regret doing at FAR too young?

i'd rather just not talk about it.

marvel or dc?

dc, maybe.

what are you most proud of?

how far i've come

what is your favorite otp?

that actually exists, mark&amy. hypothetically, rhett&link

who is your favorite disney villain?

scar, maybe? OH. maleficent, actually.

did you ever watch "phil of the future"?

 not really. i was never a big fan.

are sex and sexual activities something you enjoy?

sexual activities, sure. sex itself, i wouldn't know.

how old were you when you first became sexually active?

 again, mind you, i'm a virgin, but if you're talking about doing anything sexual, probably 16. maaaybe 17, but i'm pretty sure 16.

would you rather have a pet crocodile or a pet octopus?

 i legitimately wanted a caiman for a while because apparently that's legal lol

where is the last place you’d want to be on halloween night?

 not sure

describe your favorite comedy movie?

my favorite's "white chicks" omg

what, in your opinion, is the most disgusting part of the human body?

i've stated before i have some asexual traits, and part of that is found in the fact i find both genitalia legitimately disgusting.

what feelings come over you when you know you’re falling in love?

i smile a lot and get very shy around the person. looots of butterflies.

do you believe in ghosts, spirits, demons?

yes to all.

would you consider yourself creative and how wide would you say your imagination can stretch?

 i honestly believe i'm creative as fuck. it goes pretty damn far.

if you could go into any video game world, what would it be and why?

"world of warcraft." because. like. just take me to azeroth, pls.  god i am such a nerd.

hamburger or hot dog?

 cheeseburgers, usually.

what's something nerdy about you?

 i am legitimately made of nerdy shit

would you cheat on your significant other if it meant sleeping with your celebrity crush?

no, actually. probably surprising considered how obsessed i am with him lol

how old do you want to live to?

maybe like 75? 80? i don't want to get to the point of being old where i'm like pissing myself and need help with literally everything. that would be legitimate torture to me.

are you comfortable with your height?

 sure.

have you ever slept on a couch with someone else, with whom?

yeah, jason.

do you think the legal drinking age should be changed?

 not entirely. i do, however, believe 18-year-olds should be allowed to drink only if accompanied by an adult.

have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?

i have hit rock bottom before.

have you ever been bitten by a snake?

no.

do you like train’s music?

i was a big fan way before they become mainstream thanks to mom.

how’s your relationship between you and your grandparents?

dad's mom is dead, mom's dad is dead, i don't even remember the last time i talked to my dad's dad (but he's suuuuper nice and supportive), and i'm pretty damn sure mom's mom doesn't like me. she's bitched me out before and has said some very rude things to me. i'm not particularly fond of her either, but i try.

has the last person you had sex with ever had sex with someone besides you?

never had sex, but as for the only person i've ever been sex

ual

with, yes.

are both of your blood parents still in your life?

my parents are divorced so i don't really see my dad, but he's still a part of my life.

do you like your best friend’s boy/girlfriend?

colleen's husband is awesome and is quite a bit like myself, but sara's not in a relationship.

have your parents met the person you’re currently interested in?

 yeah.

when you’re interested in someone, do you let them know?

 no.

have you ever had a kinky dream about a celebrity?

 ha ha omg yeah

what are your parents’ middle names?

 marie & john

in your opinion, which is more attractive: nice biceps or washboard abs?

biceps.  really obnoxious abs aren't that appealing to me.

have you ever been hypnotized?

 no. i don't believe in that jazz.

do you have any lockets with pictures inside?

no.

what would you consider to be the worst television channel out there?

 mtv

do you have any siblings you absolutely despise? why?

no.

do you think age matters in friendship?

 no. i have a friend who's 30.

how old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?

i don't want kids. i'm fine with my nieces and nephews.

list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with.

heather (silent hill), tyler is legitimately me (markiplier crew), chase (rhett&link crew)

what’s a popular movie you’ve never seen?

the entirety of "harry potter." and "lord of the rings."

has anyone ever gotten in your face completely bitching you out?

my grandma, yes.

does it annoy you when people use too many emoticons when they’re typing?

it can.

would you ever consider yourself over dramatic?

i can be, honestly.

would you consider yourself more indie or mainstream?

 indie. essentially nothing about me is mainstream.

do you ever use cheats when you play video games?

 no.

has anyone, besides yourself, considered you as a failure?  

most likely.

did you go to pre-k?

 yeah.

have you ever stolen a friend's boyfriend?

not intentionally. then there's the fact we never actually dated.

do you regret it?

 i regret ever being flirty with him, yes.

are you sorry?

 it's only like my biggest regret, so.

who was your first celebrity crush?

probably jesse mccartney lol

would you smoke if it meant getting $30, or do you smoke anyways?

 no.

what school teams or clubs are/were you a part of?

 art honors society, honors society.

do you enjoy going through old pictures?

sometimes. other times, the nostalgia is too much.

is there a band you like with amazing music but a bad vocalist?

i honestly find dave mustaine of megadeth to be an awful singer, but somehow, i feel it adds to his charm??

do you tend to get clingy in relationships?

really, it depends on my mood and how comfortable i am with you. i legitimately demand space early in a relationship, and i romantically bond with people very slowly. once i actually feel attached to you, i can be sometimes. other times, i still need space.

have you ever dated outside of your race?

for less than a day, so you couldn't really call it "dating." he was hispanic.

when was the last time you received a massage?

never had one professionally, but jason and i would give each other a massage if we legitimately felt like we needed one.

would you rather have curvy legs or skinny legs?

not like really big, but curvy.

what do you usually put in your omelets?

cheese and ham. man... now i really want an omelet lol

do you like kiwis?

YAAAAAS

do you want any piercings?

my nose will be next, then more in my ears. i also would like a belly button ring one day, but i'd only get it once i'm much smaller. absolutely no offense intended, but i don't think they look good on bigger people like me.

have you ever flipped off your mother or father?

no, but i said "fuck you" to my mother only a few months ago. that went over well.

have you ever bowled a strike?

probably.

which is worse: stale chips or flat soda?

stale chips. flat soda doesn't bother me too much.

have you ever questioned your sexuality?

not seriously. when i had ocd, added onto my anxiety, i got into this totally random repetitive thought cycle that i secretly bisexual. i am in no way bisexual, but it was a random question and then my mind obsessed over the possibility i was lying to myself.

what did you usually pack for lunch at school?

sandwiches.

favorite nonliving musician?

probably freddie mercury. wonderfully talented man.

biggest learning experience of your life?  

holly hill

what’s your opinion on religion in schools?

i believe all of the more common religions should be electives. i know that's a bit unfair, but if we're being realistic, there's too many religions to fit and get instructors for all of them.

how do you decide whether to accept or not accept a friend request?

i have to know the person and like them to accept them.

do you have an unspeakable past regret?

unspeakable, no.

do you litter?

absolutely not.

do you feed your pets gourmet pet food?

no.

were you miserable in middle school?

 i wouldn't say "miserable," but it was definitely the worst school years. it's when my anxiety and depression started, so.

how many people do you know who identify as transgender?

one that i'm certain of. i have another friend that went through a transgender phase.

what is your preferred painkiller?

 advil

what color was your senior prom dress?

black

do you support transgenders being able to use the opposite restroom?

i promise, you don't want my opinion.

do you support the raising of the minimum wage?

yes. you can't live off of $7.25.

are you courageous?

not really, if i'm being honest.

could you ever forgive your best friend for sleeping with your boyfriend?

nope.

do you live with your biological parents?  

with my mom, yes.

do you have a snapchat?

no.

who is your hero?

mark <3

are you allergic to bees?

i wouldn't know. never been stung.

have you ever had stitches?

yes, in my chin.

did you graduate high school a virgin?

 yeah.

would you ever date out of your own race?

 yes.

can you describe your father in one word?

forgiving<3

what’s your favorite movie trilogy?

"shiloh," maybe

do you play any games on facebook?

 no.

do you have a dog?

 we have three.

do you have a step-parent?

 yes, but i don't call her "mom" or anything.

do you like grasshoppers?

they actually kinda scare me, especially big ones lol

do you like laffy taffy?

yeah!

at concerts, do you buy merch?

only been to one, but i did. i'd like to think i always would.

what color is your underwear?  

i don't wear underwear unless entirely necessary. increases your chances of a yeast infection and they're just uncomfortable.

what’s an interesting fact about the state in which you were born?

 it has an abandoned wizard of oz-themed park.

outside of school, have you ever used a thesaurus?

yes. i use it occasionally for writing.

do either of your parents have any tattoos or piercings?

my mom has her ears pierced.

would you ever stalk a celebrity?  

no. i have respect.

do your parents use social media? if so, which ones?

mom has facebook.

do you believe that there’s good in everybody?

 nope.

person you used to have feelings for shows up at your house, you say:

"get the fuck away from my house" or something like that.

were your parents married when you were born?

yes.

have you ever thought about having sex?

 yeah?

are you available?

 no.

do you live in a big house?

 no.

have you ever flown in a plane?

twice, but the first i don't remember.

do you like mangoes?

 i've actually never had a real mango, but i think i'd like them. i love mango juice.

do you think you’re always right?

 absolutely not. it's a ridiculous thing to think.

what’s your favorite season?

autumn.

best disney song?  

dude let's be real, "be prepared" from tlk was fire

what’s the worst veggie?

 BEANS.

do you like the color yellow?

nooo. it's one of my least favorites.

do you have any old calendars in your room?

i have two meerkat calendars from years ago that are part of my collection.

is it important to you to make a good impression on a bf/gf’s parents?

of course.

are you one of the people who think obama will be assassinated?

well, he obviously wasn't. if anyone's going to get assassinated, it'll be trump.

are you more sympathetic towards animals or humans?

animals, because they have no voice and are never truly do things out of ill intent.

when did your parents stop enforcing curfew?

 i never really had a curfew.

how long does it take you in the shower?

not even 15 minutes. i've never understood how people can take such long showers. do your shit and get out.

ever kissed anyone with a nipple piercing? what about a lip piercing? nose piercing?

 lip piercings, yes.

ever made out in a pool?

maybe, but i don't think so.

are you a virgin?

depends on how you define "virgin." but by my definition, yes.

be honest. have you had any dirty thoughts today?

 well now that you mention it.

have you ever purchased a pregnancy test, for yourself or otherwise?

no.

do you have trouble reading small fonts?

 not usually. depends on what the font is.

are there any old [as in, no longer on television, not necessarily old in terms of years] television shows that you could happily sit through and re-watch the entire series?

"that '70s show"

of all the decisions you have thus far made in your life, which was the best and which was the worst?

best: going to holly hill. worst: letting jason be my everything.

if you were presented with a bowl of fruit with apples, oranges, bananas, and grapes in it - which fruit would you pick to eat?

grapes.

do you have any gay friends?

yes, and i love them.

are you gay yourself?

 no, but i don't discriminate against those who are.

how many brothers do you have?

 one half-brother.

do you like mexican food?

 noooo.

what’s your best friend’s pet’s name(s)?  

colleen: miracle, maxwell, maze. i couldn't even try to name all of sara's lol

do you need to shave?

 no.

do you see yourself married in the next five years?

nope.

are you responsible?

if i'm being honest, no.

ever had a pregnancy scare?

 no. well, because i have anxiety, i was once scared while i was with jason because i missed my period, despite the fact we never had actual sex. safe to say, i wasn't pregnant. it was my anxiety getting to me.

do you partake in gaming?

 if i can, i do. however, my consoles are broken and the psu or graphics card on my gaming laptop is fried, so i haven't in like... six, seven months. it's been torture lol

who has your heart?

 two internet celebrities that don't know i exist lmao

do you have an ex who still talks to you? do they want to be with you again?

 no. tyler tried to, but he finally got that i wanted nothing to do with him.

ever get mad at something that happened years ago?

yep.

don’t you hate when people assume you’re jealous of somebody just because you dislike them?

y e s

do your legs get really itchy after shaving them?

 YES. it's why i have a scar on my shin because i scratched the fuck out of it.

who was the last person you went out to eat with?

 dad, his wife, sisters, and my sister's in-laws.

honestly, if you wanted to get laid right now, could you?  

probably not. i wouldn't want to anyway, since i'm like 95% sure i want to save 'til marriage.

have you ever kissed someone with a tattoo?

 regrettably.

ever had a guy best friend?

yes.

how is your last ex doing?

 i don't know and i don't care.

ever given your ALL to someone?

yes, and it was the wrong fucking choice.

how do you know the majority of the people you know?

 school, the internet

have you ever had pink eye?

no, but my sister has.

do you really care how many friends you or anyone else has on myspace/facebook?

nope.

how many band shirts do you own? which?

including those that don't fit anymore but i have saved, two for ozzy osbourne, two for metallica, otep, disturbed, asking alexandria, hollywood undead, iwrestledabearonce (which i no longer like), marilyn manson, two for alice cooper, and i am 100% positive i've had more. i've had a loooot.

is nutella amazing?

 yaaaas queen

have you ever had anything pierced that you don’t have now?

yes. right side of my nose, left anti-tragus, right tragus, left cartilage. they all closed while i was in the hospital.

would you consider yourself “tough”?

emotionally.

do you have any twins/multiples in your family? are they identical or fraternal?

 i don't think so?

who is the youngest person in your family that you know of?

my nephew, i think.

is your mom a good mom?

she tries her best and does so much for me.

who was your first friend?

brianna. we drifted apart in middle school.

would you consider yourself a shy person?

 waaaay too shy.

are you on good terms with your last ex?

no.

would you rather be a toaster, or a calculator?

... lol wut

do you like beards, and if so, what is the ideal beard length?

no opinion.

did/do you play with barbies?

i did only when nicole wanted to.

what holidays do you decorate for?

halloween, christmas.

have you ever been high?

no. it just doesn't interest me. i don't like my mind being foggy. it's partially why i've never even been drunk.

do you believe in homosexuality?

yes?? it obviously exists, and there's nothing wrong with it??

do you believe in jesus?

yes. it's a historical fact that he existed, it's just a matter of if you believe in the stories of what he did or not.

who was the last person you kissed?

my boyfriend.

do you play minecraft?

i never have and i'm not interested in it.

do you like mozzarella sticks?

noooo. the only cheese i like is american.

do you listen to nickelback?

i have no shame in admitting that i like some of their songs.

do you watch pewdiepie?

i've been a fan since 2013, or maybe 2012. he's a funny guy. he's got a lot of drama around him, but i sincerely think he's entertaining. i've enjoyed watching him develop as a person and comedian.

do you like the water?

no. i literally never drink it unless i'm dehydrated.

do you like eating zebra cakes?

 sure. been a long, long time since i've had one, though.

are there any hobbies you have that you don’t perform in front of others?

 write, draw.

have you ever felt as though you were unrecognizable to yourself?

yep.

when was the last time you took a taxi somewhere?

 never.

what was the most embarrassing thing you’ve had to buy?

 nothing really embarrassing.

have you ever mistaken a person’s gender?

 yeah.

did you stay calm during the whole swine flu scare?

 yes.  i have the immune system of a god.

without the aid of mascara, do you have long eyelashes?

  yes.  my old english teacher literally stopped class once just to point out to the whole class that i had super long eyelashes lol.  i loved her.

is there a kind of music you listen to that helps you release your anger?

 yeah.  tends to be rammstein or metallica.

do any of your close friends have children?

 no.

were you ever rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?

 no.

when was the last time you were at the hospital, and why?

 in february for a suicide attempt.

"the breakfast club," yay or nay?

 i couldn't get into it.

have you ever had a piercing get infected?

 yes.  second piercing in my right ear lobe.

do you get embarrassed easily?

 just about everything embarrasses me, so.

is anybody in your family a carpenter?

  no, but my dad was.

would you date someone 8 years older than you?

  yeah, but that's like my limit.  i'd have to

really

like someone who was nine years older, but i'm cool with eight.

would you rather date someone older than you or younger?  

older.  at my current age, i wouldn't date someone younger than me.

have you ever dated someone you met online?  

no.

what’s something you have a very strong opinion about?

  abortion, more than anything.  i'm getting more heavily adamant about gay rights.

what gets you emotional?

 recalling past struggles and people, seeing others suffer, people doing good in the world, etc.

do you often try to find common ground when in a political debate?

  ugh.  i just don't like political debates.

do you come across as cold and aloof at times?

 i'm sure.

do you think the last person you kissed is a player?

 no.

if an ex said they hated you, you say?

  good for you.

could you ever be friends with the person who hurt you most in life?

 no.

are you happy with yourself?

  in certain aspects.

would you change yourself for the person you love?

  to some degree.  it depends.

has a guy ever seriously punched you more than once?

 no one's ever punched me, thankfully.

do you think you were ever in love?

 i can say without the slightest doubt in my mind that i was.

have you ever dated your friend’s ex?

 no.

have you done bad things with your parents nearby?  

define "bad things."

have you started a horrible rumor about somebody?

  no, i'm not that low.

why do you believe/not believe in god?

  because it just seems most logical to me.  it just seems... highly, highly unlikely that the fucking stars aligned so perfectly as to make this all possible.  but i perfectly respect people that think the opposite, so long they don't stomp on religion.

do you have any recurring dreams? what are they?

  no.

what is your favorite baked good?

  muffins, maybe.

do you have an addiction to anything?

  i have an addictive personality, so, a number of things.  nothing unhealthy, though.

during thunderstorms, how does your pet react?

 teddy and bentley don't care, cali gets so terrified that she quakes and hides behind the couch.

are you addicted to any energy drinks?

  no.  energy drinks taste like poison to me.

do you like croutons in your salad?  

noooo

when did you meet the last male you texted?

  when i was born.  he's my dad.

have you ever talked to a boyfriend about a previous ex-boyfriend?

 yes.  i was having a ptsd breakdown and needed to know if i could confide in him about some things.

can two living souls become one?  

no.

has a stranger ever yelled at you for your language?

 no, but someone probably should lol.  i recently realized that i say "fuck" waaay too much.  jason's family defiled me.  they swear like sailors and like everyone i know noticed my profanity got worse after dating jason for a while because i was with his family a lot and it rubbed off.

why aren’t you in love with your ex anymore?  

because you don't love the person that almost caused you to kill yourself.

if your best friend “came out”, how would you feel?

 colleen: i would go into legitimate shock since she's for traditional marriage and whatnot.  sara: she's demisexual, so.

ever kissed someone you weren’t in a relationship with?

  no.

have you ever been given a lapdance by an actual stripper?

 ew, no.

what was the last song you listened to?

 "cake and sodomy" by marilyn manson

have you ever been on a ferris wheel that had swinging cages/gondolas? were you in the swinging cage/gondola or too chicken to go on it?

 yeah.  it was at a little festival so it was sketchy as fuck too lol.  i went with jason, who's afraid of heights, so that was interesting.

do you want a small or big wedding?

  small.

are your parents going to buy you a car?

  probably not.  i don't drive, anyway.

who’s your favorite rapper? and your favorite song by this rapper?

 the only rapper i genuinely like is eminem, and i really like "space bound"

how about your favorite band? and your favorite song by this band?

  oh brother...  ozzy osbourne: "trap door," metallica: "whiskey in the jar," otep: uhhh "special pets" or "apex predator," a day to remember: "i'm made of wax, larry, what are you made of?," marilyn manson: "heart-shaped glasses," rammstein: "nebel" or "donaukinder," cradle of filth: probably their cover of "mr. crowley," korn: "here to stay"

do you hate your last name? do you want to get married so you can change it?

 i don't like my last name, but i don't want to get married just so it'll change.

who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend? why did you break up?

 if you're talking about the first guy who ever had the title of "boyfriend," aaron.  we were in the 7th grade and i just didn't like him like that.

do you drink coffee?

  no, it's bitter as fuck and just overall gross.

what outfit makes you feel the most attractive?

  you assume any outfit makes me attractive.

what do you think of people who always wear make-up?

  whatever.

has anyone of the same sex ever hit on you?

  i think so.

are you open to a same-sex relationship and why or why not?

  no, i'm straight.

have you ever wanted to vlog?

 no.  too awkward for that shit.

who was the last person you held hands with?

  ugh.

have you ever told someone to their face that they were ugly?

 what the fuck, no.

have you ever seen a live bat?

  yeah.  they're so cute.

would you ever let your child drop out of high school?

 depends on the reason.

do you pronounce “aunt” like “want” or “ant”?

 "ant"

would you ever let a girl/boy put you through hell and back?

  never again.

have you watched porn alone before?

 i don't watch porn to begin with.

what do you think about weed?

 i think it smells fucking awful more than anything.

recommend a book:

 i recommend "johnny got his gun" by dalton trumbo more than any book on the face of the planet.  the writing style is very unique and a bit hard to understand sometimes, but the meaning behind it.  it increased my pacifism by a mile.

do you like to cook? or do you always prefer take out?

  i can't cook.  i literally burned a hot dog to where it split in half in the microwave.

are pets allowed to be on the furniture in your house?

  yes.  they live here.

declawing cats: for or against?

 against

what theory (serious or not) has always intrigued you?

  if the moon landing was fake or not.  i believe it was real, but there is some seriously compelling evidence that it was a studio trick.  i'd highly recommend reading about it.

do you consider yourself a perfectionist?

  about some things.