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sickhumor · 3 years

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Redneck taglines

Back in the late 1980s - early 1990s, telecommunications took place over telephone lines and communal computing existed mostly on Bulletin Board Systems (before the WWW). It wasn’t uncommon to sign off a message or an email with what was called a “tagline” - usually a one-line expression of good wishes - or a joke. Here’s a compilation of redneck taglines I saved from a BBS listing posted in 1994.

...URA Redneck if your dad walks you to school because he's in the same grade.

...URA Redneck if directions to your house include, "Turn off paved road.”

...URA Redneck if after making love you ask to roll down the car window.

...URA Redneck if Jack Daniels makes your list of admired people.

...URA Redneck if less than half the cars you own run.

...URA Redneck if Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.

...URA Redneck if the primary color of your car is bondo.

...tRA Redneck if the taillight covers on your car are made of tape.

...URA Redneck if there's a wasp nest in your living room.

...URA Redneck if truckers tell your wife to watch her language.

...URA Redneck if you answer the door with a baseball bat in your hand.

...URA Redneck if you can have sex without spilling your beer.

...URA Redneck if you can't visit relatives without your car getting muddy.

...URA Redneck if you come back from the dump with more than you took.

...URA Redneck if you consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

...URA Redneck if you consider a family reunion a chance to meet women.

...URA Redneck if you drove to elementary school.

...URA Redneck if you entertain with tapes of championship bowling.

...URA Redneck if you entertain yourself for an hour with a fly swatter.

...URA Redneck if you entertain yourself for an hour with a bug zapper.

...URA Redneck if you've ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.

...URA Redneck if you get an estimate from the barber to cut your hair.

...URA Redneck if you get Odor-Eaters as a Christmas present.

...URA Redneck if you get your oil changed by your barber.

...URA Redneck if you had to remove the Marlboro to kiss the bride.

...URA Redneck if you have "dress" boots.

...URA Redneck if you have a civil war chess set.

...URA Redneck if you have a Hefty Bag instead of a passenger window.

...URA Redneck if you have a picture of Elvis on velvet in plain sight.

...URA Redneck if you have a velvet bedspread.

...URA Redneck if you have any relatives named Elmer or Jed.

...URA Redneck if you have more appliances in the yard than in the house.

...URA Redneck if you have more than twelve dogs on your porch.

...URA Redneck if you have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

...URA Redneck if you have to move the transmission to take a bath.

..,URA Redneck if you hold a frog and *it* worries about getting warts.

...URA Redneck if you keep your thermostat on 85 in the winter.

...URA Redneck if you own a homemade fur coat.

...URA Redneck if you own more TVs than books.

...URA Redneck if you prefer car keys to Q-tips.

...URA Redneck if you quit your job to avoid paying child support.

...URA Redneck if you record WWF Wrestling while you're at work.

...URA Redneck if you skipped school in the 8th grade to vote.

.,,URA Redneck if you think BMW is the call letters for a radio station.

...URA Redneck if you think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport.

...URA Redneck if you think Ernest is funny.

...URA Redneck if you think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

...URA Redneck if you use more than one can of hairspray per week.

...URA Redneck if you voted Tammy Bakker as "Year's Best Dressed Woman".

...URA Redneck if you want to be a disc jockey when you grow up.

...URA Redneck if you've been arrested for getting relief in an ice machine.

...URA Redneck if you're entertained by a 6 pack and a bug zapper.

...URA Redneck if you're holding a beer in your wedding picture.

...URA Redneck if you're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.

...URA Redneck if you've ever BBQ'd Spam on the grill.

...URA Redneck if you've ever bought a used cap.

...URA Redneck if you've ever cut your grass and found a car.

...URA Redneck if you've ever given rat traps as a gift.

...URA Redneck if you've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

...URA Redneck if you've ever rolled your riding lawn mower.

...URA Redneck if you've ever shot a deer from inside your house.

...URA Redneck if you've ever used lard in bed.

...URA Redneck if you've ever vacationed in a rest area.

...URA Redneck if you've ever worn a cowboy hat to church.

...URA Redneck if you've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

...URA Redneck if you've never paid for a haircut.

...URA Redneck if you've spray painted your girl's name on an overpass.

...URA Redneck if you've worn something to church having sequins on it.

...URA Redneck if your all-time favorite movie is "Cannonball Run".

...URA Redneck if your appearance got you fired from a construction job.

...URA Redneck if your baby's favorite teething ring is a garden hose.

...URA Redneck if your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers".

...URA Redneck if your belt buckle is heavier than 4 lbs.

...URA Redneck if your best suit is a Budweiser cap and an orange vest.

...URA Redneck if your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

...URA Redneck if your bumper sticker says "My other car is a combine".

...URA Redneck if your car has never had a full tank of gas.

...URA Redneck if your car's rear tires are twice as wide as the front.

...URA Redneck if your chain to your wallet is as big as your dog chain.

...URA Redneck if your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

,..URA Redneck if your dog can smoke a cigarette.

...URA Redneck if your dog sleeps closer to you than your wife does.

...URA Redneck if your father is in the same grade as you.

...URA Redneck if your father made your personalized license plate.

...URA Redneck if your favorite Chinese meal comes from "LaChoy".

...URA Redneck if your first grandchild is born on your 26th birthday.

...URA Redneck if your funeral has more pickup trucks than cars.

...URA Redneck if your Home library is a Bible and the Farmers' Almanac.

...URA Redneck if your home needs a hitch.

...URA Redneck if your house warming involves removing the tires.

...URA Redneck if your idea of health food is pork rinds.

...URA Redneck if your kid takes a siphon hose to "Show & Tell".

...URA Redneck if your kids are described as "dumb as a brick".

...URA Redneck if your Levi's have Skoal can prints on the pockets.

...URA Redneck if your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

...URA Redneck if your living room sofa is covered by a foam backed throw.

.,.URA Redneck if your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

..,URA Redneck if your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

...URA Redneck if your neighbors have ever asked to borrow the lightbulb,

...URA Redneck if your pocket knife's been referred to as "Exhibit A",

...URA Redneck if your porch collapses and kills more than seven dogs.

,.,URA Redneck if your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

...URA Redneck if your sister subscribes to "Soldier of Fortune" magazine.

...URA Redneck if your truck cost more than your house.

...URA Redneck if your wedding looks more like a family reunion.

...URA Redneck if your wife ever burned out an electric razor.

..,URA Redneck if your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

..,URA Redneck if your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

...URA Redneck if your wife's best shoes have steel toes.

...URA Redneck if your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

...URA Redneck if your will states all your possessions be sold at auction.

...URA Redneck if your 9x9 living room has a Spanish décor.

...Redneck foreplay: (Nudge) "Are you awake?"

...Redneck foreplay: "Get in the truck, bitch."

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popculturebuffet · 4 years

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Amphiba Reviewcaps Catchup Special: Lost In Newtopia/Sprig Gets Schooled/Little Frogtown/Hopping Mall

In a 4 episode marathon to make up for lost time: Hop Pop handcuffs Sprig to him because that’s not troubling and Polly And Anne head off on their own mostly uninteresting adventure. Sprig gets into college and regrets it much like most college students. Hop Pop goes on a noir adventure while Anne harasses children and it all ends with a wacky mall adventure that ends in an utter tearjerker. Pitter Patter, let’s get at er after the cut.

Whelp i’m behind. Over the last two weeks i’ve been busy moving into a new room in the house, and moving my stuff into said room and making it feel like home, and when i’ve had time I either had new coverage to start, or a series passing to honor, or in the case of yesterday had to have my wisdom tooth removed because it got so bad I couldn’t think out of nowhere. SO yeah been a pretty exausting few weeks... but with only one episode left before Amphibia likely goes on hiatus for the rest of the year, Halloween special excepted, I don’t really have the time to dawdle on this. So not much of an introduction let’s hop to it.

Lost in Newtopia

This will be a quick one, but this one was.. eh. Not BAD, as the first, last and middle scenes are all really good. it’s just between theere it’s not much intresting. The opening on the bus was pure gold as Hop Pop as usual gets fired up about something boring, then casually handcuffs his grandson because that’s normal. Then again this is the same man who also thought brainwashing his grandchildren was a minor slight so this is a step up somehow. Also he does have some logic for it after Sprig blew up a robot factory and , unbenowst to him, stole a powerful credit card for funsies. But .. get a dog leash or something. The scene was also great as we got to see Anne’s mom for the first time! And the scene with her wanting to get out and try exotic food her tummy’s not ready for was really adorable and relatable as having a young nice, I understand them asking for things they really shoudln’t have and then holding a grudge over it. But then the episode just sorta.. sputters for most of it’s run time. The bit with the tail shop is rfairly enjoyable, but the mishap with the vendor and the parade just aren’t all that funny and the basic conciet of tryign to do it up like locals hasn’t been done AS often as I’d think but frankly How I Met Your MOther, Back before it didn’t so much shoot itself in the foot as shoot both it’s legs off, did this slightly better with first time in new york, where the inverse happened, i.e. the locals pretending to be tourists. The ending scene was great, from Hop Pop going from terror at “street weridos” to casual happiness at seeing his grandaughter and adopted grandaughter (And my heart flew to hear him call anne that. I mean it was obvious but i’ts still nice to hear. Like when Scrooge told webby to Call him uncle scrooge but without the horribly scarring assholery the next episode he still hasn’t properly apologized for to her. ) and Polly and Anne’s terrible names for each other.> It was good stuff it’s just overal an okay episode. Good enough to entertain but just ntohing really out of the ordinary for this show, but with funny enough bits to keep invested. Next.

Sprig Gets Schooled Ehhhhh... this one HAD potetial, an intresting setting, Sprig getting in on his talent, plenty of fun college tropes, Hop Pop struggling with his grandson leaving the nest.. there was good stuff here, but like too many episodes this season it wasn’t used as well as it couldv’e been.

The episode has the family come upon Newtopia University, where Sprig’s talent with stopping mantises and with a fiddle gets him a scholarship, which is one of Hop Pop’s dreams, but both quickly regret it: Sprig dosen’t fit in while Hop Pop misses his baby boy. It comes to a head with Sprig tryign to sneak in and Anne and Polly trying to sneak in for hyjinks.

But overall it’s just.. eh. it has a few good gags, but the anne and polly plot has been done so many times by now, and while that alone isn’t enough to make it not all that fun the fact it isn’t funny or unique is when The Simpsons, Undergrads, Futrama , Solar Opposites and Bobs Burgers just off the top of my head have done fratboy hyjinks episodes way better.

youtube

But what dosen’t help is while Hop Pop’s emotional part of the episode, missing his boy and wanting him to come bome, works, Sprig just.. get sbored. There’s nothing about how hard school is or him missing the others it’s just.. he dosen’t like it so he tries to leave. Instead of having an emotinal episode about him possibly fitting in there, or struggling to fit in there or some third thing it’s just.. an average 10 year old not liking college becuase of course he dosen’t. He’s too young to keger or really ond with his clasemates. It’s just an eh watch. Not as unpleasant as quarallers pass but without that episodes good parts to really help it be entertaining. Ugh. And you might say “well every episode dosen’t have to have an emotinal core jackass” which.. yeah your right. But it has to be funny. Or entertaining or have something and not just be .. eh. You CAN be just a funny episode if you do that right. And amphibia USUALLY does that and has an emotional hook to make it even better. And the proof is in the next two episodes.

Little Frogtown Now this.. this is more like it. After two less than memorable episodes, we get two classics in a row. Granted since I grew up on calvin and hobbes and thus grew up with the two tracer bullet arcs...

Well three techncially with the haircut thing but yeah, given one of them was in my first comic strip collection ever, the indespensible calvin and hobbes if your curious, I’ve always had a soft spot for noir episodes and to animations credit there have been some classics; The recurirng Numbah 2 detective stories in Kids Next Door, Venture Bros classic “everybody comes to hanks” and of all things, Garfield Babes and Bullets. Yes that happened and yes it IS actually good.

Oh and if your wondering if Garfield solved something family friendly like a Lasanga Robbery, or his teddy bear going missing or odie being kidnapped for a dog fight nope! He’s hired by a college professors wife to find out who killed her husband since it looked like a simple accident, but unsuprisingly it wasn’t. Oh and did I mention that not only is this based on a story from the book garfield’s 9 lives, which got it’s own special for the rest of the stories it chose to adapt and a few new ones to replace those it didn’t, but in that story it’s about a chuch deacon. That’s right Garfield tackled corruption in the church. Your welcome. But i’ve talked about Garfield Babes and Bullets enough.. I mean for today. I clearly need to cover this and 9 lives as a whole at some point. Let’s get back to this episode. Point is noir parodies are great and gafield has done some weird and wonderful shit. But my like of it aside this is a genuinely clever episode that has it’s own neat takes on the genre. The basic setup is simple: Hop Pop takes the kids to Sal’s, a restraunt owned by an old friend of his who got so sucessful with his delcious sandwitches and secret sauce he moved up to Newtopia.. but when Hop Pop finds the place he finds it in shambles, with no one there and Sal entirely missing. So while the kids head off for the arcade next door, Hop Pop goes into full noir mode to find his missing friend. It’s that core that works. Sure lots of shows use the “friend we only just heard of” plot device but here it works because it’s so simply used here: They were friends years and years ago, sal moved away probably decades ago, and he simply hasn’t kept in touch. Both are busy: Sal with his restraunt and what we find out here, and Hop Pop with his family and later having to swoop in when his daughter or son and their spouse died. It’s perfectly acceptable. To me while i’ve bitched plenty about cliches it’s mostly been about HOW you use them. About using them right instead of just coasting on an old plot to fill out your episodes for the season. If you don’t have an intresting story to tell, then use the 11 minutes for something ELSE. And here.. they do and have a fun spin on noir by having hop pop’s narration talk to him. While that’s happened before with narration gags I haven’t seen it in a noir parody before and it’s just pure comedy gold, and Bill Farmer’s acting makes you genuinely invested in finding out what happened to this character you never met. Bill really sells how worried hop pop is without over doing it and how important this guy and his sammiches are to him.

The final twist while not entirely suprising is intresting: Turns out , after Hop Pop finds people seemingly having stolen the recipie, Sal’s restraunt.. simply went belly up. Which sadly, makes sense: he had good ingredients but he’s in the world’s capital, where ther’es probably tons of mom and pop restraunts and giants of cuisine. It’s hard to start a buisness anywhere let alone the biggest city int he world. So Sal simply pivoted, sold his recipie and became a billionare. It’s a good solution that teaches hop pop a lessson: Change happens, things you really love like comfort food restraunts won’t last forever. I myself miss when this area I live in had a tgi fridays and it’s probably never coming back> Things change.. what matters more is people and moving on. Though he does send hop pop on with a bottle of sauce. It’s a good lesson for kids and a fine ribbon tied on one of the season, and hte series, best. And of course before we move on we have the b plot which is funny as it is relatable as some little shit steps in line in front of anne and being anne she overreacts.. and gets tazed and gets everyone banned. Not a huge subplot but it’s funny as it is relatable as someone whose both stood in massive lines and had people cut in and felt it was massively unfair. Never got into a fistfight over it but tha’t sbecasuse arcades are rare and cornona probably wiped out the rest. Ha ha.. I hate this year. One more!

Hopping Mall

Last one. Another simple plot: Hop Pop forces the kids to use 2 coppers a piece to buy souviners instead of letting them use the card because it means more.. which is bullcrap. While using your own money for a present DOES mean a lot, my mom gave me money plenty of times to buy gifts and covered me plenty. The real meaning behind a gift for someone is that you picked it out yourself, that whatver thing you picked made you think of them and that you meant it for them. Weather it be a mug, a billy bass, or the great mighty poo on a t shirt, what matters is it comes from the heart. Though Hop Pop also buys himself an easy chair and sends it home and admits h’es a hypocrite so maybe we’re not supposed to take him seriously. While this is there to make drama mostly for Anne it’s a plot device I like as it’s both the kind of nonsense an adult would make and then not follow, and it leads to a really good plot as our kids find their things; Hop Pop introduces the kids to haggling, which Polly mistakes for using tried and true mafia approved methods of intpmidation, leg breaking, arson and threats of all of the above andc omes back with her own snail and tiny cart. Sprig being sprig finds a gift for Ivy in seconds that’s a nice stick.. that also shooots lasers because I dunno. Also nice of the show to actually MENTION his girlfriend.... several episodes in.. with again NO goodbye to her or anyone else. And yes that’s still a sticking point this far in it wouldn’t of killed them to include that in one of the premire episodes. Anyways that leaves Anne who finds a nice teapot for her mom, but soon has to do what all people who can’t afford a tea pot too: enter a demolition derby against a mother daughter team using shopping carts. It’s a neat set piece, as is Anne apparently knowing carts because her and her friends hung around the mall a lot, which given we saw her and sasha out and out steal one for hyjinks, it’s a nice continuity nod. Anyways our heroes win the race, but Sprig looses his stick saving polly and their rival has to ravage her tail to save polly again. I also love the return of the “not the baby!” cry from “Marcy at the Gates” which I also swear has been used before on this show but can’t remember specifically where. It’s revealed their rival, and her daughter both of which are entertaining especially the daughter, wants the pot because it was one of her mom’s designs and it means a lot and that touches a nerve with Anne, so she lets her have it, but does get a lovely butterfly clip from the daughter. After the hop pop gag we get the most infamous, and best scene of the episode that ties the above together.

Sprig wakes up to find Anne ruminating on the balcony.. and for the first time since she got here really, she breaks down a bit about how much she misses her. And my honest interpretation is she’s been holding how bad she feels for her mom, who she admits to not having the best relationship with but both loving each other dearly: That she likely blames herself for the theft, for listenting to sasha, for getting them all stranded, for destroying her friendship with Sasha and possibly not being able to bring her home with her. But mostly for causing her parents undo pain, having no idea how hurt they are or what they’ll feeel when she comes back, no idea if she’ll even be able to make it home and see them again.. it’s a lot to hold in and with all she’s had to deal with I feel she’s been holding it inside just so she dosen’t snap. She already has enought o deal with especially after “reunited. Thinking for amoment about how her parents are likely in utter misery desperatley looking for her when she’s not even on earth... it’d break her.. and it does. She admits missing her, regretting they fought all the time and sobbing a bit... and the scene only gets sadder when Sprig interjects. He asks a simple question; What was she like. While we STILL don’t know the specifics we finally find out that his mom died when he and polly were really little, polly was probably a newborn... he never really knew her and wonders.. can you miss someone you never really knew? It’s a sad, sobering moment. We assumed sprig was fine with his parents being gone because like Anne and her parents he just never brought it up. But sometimes a person just burys something or is sad or upset in private, speaking from personal experince here. Sometimes you don’t talk about something beacuse you don’t know HOW and Sprig likely just dosen’t want to make hop pop more upset at reminding him his daughter and or son and daughter in law and or son in law are dead, something he likely deals with every day. It’s a powerfully acted scene and ends as the two cry softly together while the credits play over the newtopia night sky. Just a beautiful powerful scene that ties a mostly comedy episode together into something fantastic and like it’s partner episode, one of the series best.

And with that catchup is done. Join me saturday for more of this, more loud house, and moe moe moe, how do you like me how do you like me, moe moe moe, why do you like me nobody likes me... if you want more subsuricbe, check the backlogs ont hea ssioated pages, and shoot me an ask for a suggestion or a dm to comission a full review. While Amphibia weekly coverage is wrapping up for a while after saturday i’ll be back for the halloween special and then whenever the show returns in full, Ducktales coverage restarts monday and Loud House Coverage that began with Schooled continues sometime this weekend along with a possible foruth thing. Until then, stay safe and GO TEAM VENTURE!

#amphibia #anne boonchuy #hop pop #hopidiah plantar #polly plantar #sprig plantar #newtopia #hopping mall #little frogtown #sprig gets schooled #lost in newtopia

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chasholidays · 7 years

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Bellarke with theatre actor/wardrobe-makeup crew member. Crew member goes to the actor's home every week to apply long-lasting temporary tattoos. (Thanks for doing all of these! Happy holidays!!)

In general, people don’t get into theater if they can’t deal with long hours and weird requirements. Bellamy remembers clearly the first time he was on stage, how he felt so self-conscious about saying his lines, about actually throwing himself into the role, but he loved it, and it was so easy to just do it. He can’t imagine doing anything else.

Still, sometimes things still take him by surprise.

“She needs to come to my apartment?” he asks.

“She doesn’t have to,” says Miller, with a shrug. “I just figured it would be easier for you. You don’t want to have to come down here on your day off to get a fake tattoo applied, do you?”

“I don’t really want to do anything on my day off. Where does the makeup woman live?”

“A few blocks from you. She doesn’t mind.”

“Do you actually know that or are you assuming she’d argue with you if she did?”

“Clearly you haven’t met Clarke yet. She definitely would. Look, it’s a few hours once a week, and it’s going to look awesome. I’m pretty sure you’re going to want to get it done for real after this.”

“I’m pretty sure I don’t want a full chest dragon tattoo. I like my chest as is.” He sighs. “This is a key part of your artistic vision?”

“Definitely.”

“And if I don’t take my shirt off and show off the tattoo the whole play falls apart?”

“Definitely.”

He doesn’t actually mind, but he considers giving Miller shit to be a vital part of his job, so he makes a show of thinking it over. “Fine, we can do the tattoo at my place. Mondays at two?”

“Yeah. Should take a couple hours. Shouldn’t be too much trouble, as long as you and Clarke don’t kill each other.”

He frowns. “You aren’t actually worried about that, are you?”

“Not that worried.” He claps Bellamy on the shoulder. “You’ll be fine.”

Clarke Griffin shows up at 1:58 on Monday, and as soon as introductions are done, she’s all business, looking around his apartment with narrowed eyes.

“Is there a problem?” he asks, mild. His apartment is great, but he didn’t really clean that much or anything. He didn’t think he needed to.

“Just trying to figure out where I’ve got the best light. And you’ll be most comfortable. It’s going to be a while.”

“I heard, yeah. Sorry about—“ He waves his hand. “I assume you have better things to do.”

“And yet here we are.” She smiles. “I don’t mind. It’s my job. Thanks for hosting.”

“It’s fine.” He rubs the back of his neck. “Do you want something to eat? Drink?”

“I brought water.” Her smile is a little tight. “You don’t actually have to stress about my comfort. Just find a pillow for your stool, take off your shirt, and don’t yell at me when I rearrange your lights.”

It all sounds fair enough. “Deal.”

Between the two of them, they get his lights set up to Clarke’s approval, and he sheds his shirt while Clarke gets her stuff ready. It feels a little intimate, but he knows better than to let that feeling really take hold; theater is one of those businesses where intimacy means something different. This is work.

Weird work, but still.

“How much did Miller tell you about the process?”

“Basically nothing. Just that you’d come over once a week and do the tattoo.”

Clarke nods, more like she’s agreeing with herself than with him. “It’s pretty simple. Monday, I put down the base ink. It should last the week, as long as you don’t scrub it really hard in the shower. Water’s fine, but don’t get too crazy. I’m doing your makeup for shows, so I’ll check it then and make sure nothing needs touching up too. Monday before I show, you can wash yourself as hard as you want, but I’ve got some remover to get it off clean and reapply, so you don’t have to worry if you don’t get it all off.”

“That’s really the best way to do it? Not just touching it up again?”

“You can usually tell when that happens, yeah. It’s better to just go again from scratch. Faster, too.”

“You’re the expert. Just tell me what to do.”

“As little as possible, honestly.”

“No problem,” he says, and thinks he means it.

It’s not like he’s bad at staying still, but he is bad at doing absolutely nothing. His attention wanders, and then he’ll forget what he’s supposed to be doing and start slumping or yawning, and then he’ll feel bad, and then it’s this weird vicious cycle.

So after about fifteen minutes of application, he asks, “Is talking okay?”

“Talking?”

“I don’t have anything to focus on. I might fall asleep. I can monologue if you need to concentrate.”

She laughs. “Run lines?”

“Never hurts.”

“I can talk and work if you want an actual conversation.”

“Did you design the tattoo?”

“Yeah. I did some of the set design too. Miller and I are old friends, I always like working with him.”

“And you still call him Miller?“

"Everyone else did, so I got used to it, yeah. This might tickle,” she adds. “How did you get into acting?”

The conversation reminds him of nothing so much as small talk when he’s getting a haircut. Clarke already knows what he does, but they chat about general backgrounds, how long they’ve lived in the city, significant others, siblings. Clarke is three years younger than he is, a print artist as well as a makeup one, single, and bisexual. As Miller said, she only lives a few blocks away, and her roommate is Raven Reyes, whom Bellamy knows from other shows, even if she’s not working on this one.

“Kind of amazing we didn’t meet sooner,” Bellamy observes, and Clarke hums her agreement.

“I’ve seen some of your shows.”

That surprises him. “Yeah?”

“I live with Raven, remember? I try to see everything she works on.”

“That makes sense. I assume I’ve seen some of your makeup.”

“And set design, probably.” She pulls back, looking him over. It makes him feel only a little self conscious; he looks good without a shirt and he knows it. “Do you wax?”

“Sorry?”

“Your chest. Do you wax it, or do you not need to? I was assuming not because I definitely saw some hair there, but–”

“Yeah, no one’s ever asked me to wax my chest.”

She nods. “Cool, that makes life easier. Like I said, don’t scrub your chest hard when you shower, be kind of careful, and don’t put your shirt back on for–” She looks at her phone, thoughtful. “Give it til like 4:30? Assuming you won’t get too cold.”

“I’m probably fine, yeah.”

“Okay, then–I’ll see you opening night. Did I give you my number?”

“No.”

She pulls a business card out of her wallet and hands it over. “If you manage to fuck it up before I see you, just give me a call. But it’s pretty resilient, you should be fine.”

“Thanks.” He offers her a smile. “It looks really badass, by the way. Good job.”

She returns the expression. “Nothing but the best for Miller’s vision. See you in a few days.”

They don’t get much of a chance to talk when Clarke’s doing his show makeup, which isn’t really surprising; show nights are always a zoo, and especially opening week, when everything still feels half like a dress rehearsal and half like an actual tire fire. Clarke verifies that his tattoo is in good shape, gives him the rest of his makeup and wardrobe, and tells him to break a leg, and that’s about as much as his brain can process, anyway.

On Monday, she asks, “So, how did Miller pick this play?”

She’s cleaning off the old tattoo, which doesn’t hurt or anything, but is less comfortable than having the new one applied. The stuff she’s using to remove it is kind of cold and wet, and she’s having to rub to get it off, which is weird.

Miller better appreciate this.

“I don’t know, why?”

“It’s–interesting.”

Bellamy snorts. “You mean it’s fucking ridiculous.”

“It’s fucking ridiculous. You’re a singing vampire gangster. And don’t get me wrong, you’re awesome at it, but–”

“I think Miller’s trying to single-handedly make theater weird again,” he says. “It’s a limited run, local playwright–”

“It’s Murphy,” says Clarke, with the same flat tone everyone who has ever met John Murphy uses to talk about him.

“Support local artists, Clarke.”

“It’s fun,” she says. “And I’m glad it’s happening. I’m just kind of amazed he got funding.”

“Yeah, we’re all surprised about that.”

She finishes up with the tattoo removal and pulls back, eyeing him critically. “Do you mind taking a shower?”

“Now?”

“Yeah, it would be good to get the residue off. Also, I’m not trying to stare at your nipples, but they’re right there and apparently you’re cold.”

He can’t help a snort of laughter. “So, you want my nipples to stop being distracting?”

“If it’s not too much trouble, yeah.”

“Yeah, that shouldn’t be hard. Just wash my chest off?”

“And get warm, yeah.”

It feels a little weird showering with a virtual stranger in his home, but it’s just the setting that’s throwing him off. It’s not like he hasn’t done this at the gym or even the theater sometimes. And it is nice to warm up and get the weird gunk off his body.

That becomes their routine, as the show goes on. Bellamy keeps expecting them to get canceled before finishing the planned end of their run, because, as Clarke pointed out, the whole thing is fucking ridiculous, but apparently it’s the fun kind of ridiculous. People are looking for random escapism through singing vampire gangsters.

For which Bellamy is grateful, because he likes the show. He likes his co-stars, he likes the crew, he likes his role, he even likes his stupid tattoo and the way he feels he hasn’t worn a shirt in months.

Mostly, though, he really, really likes Clarke.

They end up talking a lot, once they’ve got their groove down. She reads a lot, especially comic books, which are kind of a blind spot for him, and she likes hearing about video games he’s playing and new projects he’s auditioning for.

She’s smart and funny and gorgeous, basically, and the last thing he wants is for this show to wrap and he doesn’t see her again until they happen to be working on the same thing. But they’re still coworkers, and he doesn’t want to ask her out now, when the last few weeks of the show will be awkward if she says no.

But he really, really wants to ask her out.

It’s two weeks before close, their usual Monday appointment, when Clarke observes, “That girl who came to the show last night was cute.”

“Which one? There were a lot of girls there. We’re definitely appealing to women age eighteen to thirty-five.”

She flicks his left pectoral. “Gee, I wonder why. I meant the girl who came to see you. Is that why you’re single?”

It takes Bellamy a second, because Clarke’s making it sound like he brought a date, and he doesn’t have anyone like–

He starts to laugh. “Definitely not.”

“No?”

“My little sister,” he says. “She was in town for the weekend.”

“Oh.”

“I’d offer to give you her number, but straight, not local, and taken.”

“Yeah, I wasn’t really thinking about her for myself.”

“Just me?”

There’s a pause, and then she says, “I honestly can’t believe you’re single, I’m still waiting for the catch.”

“Catch?”

“Hot, smart, talented actor with surprisingly little ego. What’s wrong with you?”

He grins. “I’m hoping nothing.”

“Yeah, me too.”

He catches her wrist on his chest and tugs a little, and she grins, moving in to settle between his legs on the stool. When he leans in, she closes the distance, and the kiss turns from soft and hesitant to hot and deep in seconds as neither of them pulls away. His hands map her back and hers drop from his chest to his waist, letting her press closer.

“I deserve a medal for not doing this sooner,” she mutters, and he laughs.

“Really? I wish you had.”

“I’m a professional, I can’t hook up with every hot shirtless actor I meet.”

“You don’t have to hook up with all of them, just me.”

“Just you,” she agrees, and kisses him again.

Miller’s the one to call them out the next week, and Bellamy can’t even pretend they don’t deserve it.

“I was wondering where the rest of your tattoo was,” he says, and Bellamy frowns.

“What?”

Miller pokes his side, a spot he can see, but just barely. His dragon appears to be missing a claw.

“Huh.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s it on Clarke’s arm.”

Bellamy glances over and sure enough, there’s a small wedge of black ink on Clarke’s bicep. She did sleep over for the first time last night; they’re probably lucky he only lost that.

“Guess it wasn’t so bad,” Miller says, clapping him on the back. “Having to hang out with her.”

“No,” he agrees, unable to keep a stupid smile off his face. “It’s been awesome.”

#bloodthirstyminx

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1dreality · 7 years

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It must have been well over a year ago now, when Liam Payne realised he had absolutely nothing interesting to say. The singer, known to most as ‘Liam from One Direction’ until the group’s indefinite hiatus in January 2016, had returned to the studio, settled into the idea of being a solo artist for the rest of his days, and promptly drawn a blank. He was, he says, just too darned happy to think of anything.

Everything in his life had fallen into place. He’d found love, moving in with Cheryl (formerly Cole), a fellow junior royal of the Top 40. Their first child, a son named Bear, was well on the way. He had signed a huge record deal with Capitol. He felt fitter and healthier than he had in years. And, yes, there’s no denying it: he was pretty pleased that he no longer had to be in the biggest boyband in the world.

‘I had a bit of a problem formulating what was going on in my brain into the music at first,’ he says, ‘because I was so content with everything in my personal life. It’s easy to spill your guts out on a ballad. But I was thinking, “Oh God, I’m really happy – what am I going to write about?!”’

More than 12 months on, the answer to that question still isn’t entirely clear. Payne’s debut album, as yet untitled, won’t be released until early 2018. There have been two singles, though, with a third, the unsubtly titled Bedroom Floor, arriving next month.

Of those we’ve heard, the first, Strip That Down, a R&B-inflected club hit released in May and co-written with Ed Sheeran, marked a departure from One Direction’s stadium pop-rock. It was also chock-full of hoary by-the-way-I’m-an-adult-now signposts: there are references to nightclubs, drinking rum and coke, driving Ferraris and having girls ‘grind’ on him. And mixed in with all that were lyrics that caused a minor stir among his acolytes: ‘You know I used to be in 1D, now I’m out, free / people want me for one thing, that’s not me’. Payne, it seems, is keen to reintroduce himself.

‘When I left the band, I felt a bit stranded,’ he says, when we meet in an enormous boardroom at his management’s offices. ‘It took time, but I know as an artist I am starting fresh now.’ He slaps the table with melodrama. ‘This is Moment One. It’s the start line.’

Liam Payne is 24 years old. He is athletically built, as anyone who has seen his shirtless Instagram posts will know, and kind of everyday handsome, in a Love Island, former-youth-footballer way. Both his arms and hands are almost entirely upholstered in tattoos, highlights of which include some thick black arrows on one forearm that look like road markings; the number ‘4’, in reference to One Direction’s 2014 album of the same name, on his ring finger; and, on his left arm, a scale depiction of Cheryl’s eye, that appears to follow you around the room as he gesticulates. ‘It’s so my missus can always keep an eye on me,’ he likes to say about that one.

He is impossibly nice. Before we meet, he plods through the office, saying hello to everybody in the building individually, and in most cases remembering something about them: that they beat him at Fifa last time he dropped by, so they must have a rematch before he leaves (‘I’ll whoop ya with West Brom!’), or they’ve surely had a haircut, haven’t they? (‘It looks really great anyway, man!’). It is the manner of somebody both impeccably raised and intensely keen for people to like him, and it appears genuine and successful.

To an extent, Payne says, the five members of One Direction – or four, after Zayn Malik left the band in 2015 – ended up playing characters over the six years they were together. Whereas the Beatles (arguably the only other group with a comparable scale and speed of world domination), grew increasingly cantankerous towards the end of the 1960s, One Direction stuck resolutely to the caricatures that fans and management assigned them right to the end.

Malik was brooding and mercurial, Harry Styles was a cool, flamboyant ladies’ man, Niall Horan was charming and laid-back, and Louis Tomlinson, who has since admitted to feeling a little redundant, was fun and energetic. And Payne? Well, Payne was The Responsible One.

‘I’ve always been a bit of an older soul,’ he says, mulling over his place. ‘It’s funny: there’s a thing on the net where the fans put what they think are our mental ages. All the boys were around their real ones, but then they put me at about 37.’

Payne admits to feeling a little daunted in 2010, when Simon Cowell thrust the band together on X Factor after they’d auditioned as solo artists. Keeping up with the other personalities in the gang was exhausting, so his coping mechanism was to attempt to rein them in as best he could, and work with management in doing so. Like the popular schoolboy teachers identify as mature enough to be a trusted emissary for his recalcitrant friends, Payne carved himself a valuable niche.

‘I was put with a group of rowdy teenagers, and when I was a teenager, I had mates, but I was always with my dad. I’d go out to the pub and chat with him. So when I was stuck with these boys I was thinking, “F— me, I don’t know how to do it.”

‘When something was going wrong, I’d get a phone call. If there was an apology needed, it was me. I was the spokesperson for the band, as it were, with the press and the label.’

Along with Tomlinson, Payne shares comfortably the most writing credits of the band on One Direction songs. Over their five albums, dozens of songwriting collaborators contributed to the group’s success, but it seems nobody worked harder than the two least-heralded members. Neither was the showiest or best singer; but they kept things ticking over.

One Direction’s hordes of fans around the world noticed the assumed roles, and nicknamed Payne ‘Daddy Directioner’. He lived up to it with them, too. In 2013, on tour in Australia, Payne tweeted a message to warn girls waiting outside the band’s hotel of snakes living in the surrounding fields. ‘It’s just not worth it someone’s gunna get hurt [sic],’ he pleaded.

Two years later, he gave an interview lamenting the fact he and the other boys were being sent sexually explicit pictures of themselves drawn by underage admirers. While the rest of the band seemed to find that funny, Payne called it ‘the sad and sorry side of what we’ve done.’ Yeah, all right, Dad.

Becoming a real-life father has at least given the nickname some purchase. Rumours swirled at the end of 2015 that he had started dating Cheryl – formerly Fernandez-Versini and Cole, née Tweedy – after her second marriage ended in divorce. By the next summer, she was pregnant with the second One Direction baby (Tomlinson, the eldest of the bunch, had one first).

The couple live in a mansion near Woking, Surrey, and aren’t married, but he considers them ‘basically at that stage’. Bear, with whom Payne is besotted, was born in March, and named for the growling noises he was making during his first sleeps. So far, no photographs have been released, but he instantly shows me one on his phone. And here, I can exclusively reveal that the heir Bear is – as you’d expect of a baby with that name, born of two professionally good-looking parents – very cute.

‘We’ve only shown him in glimpses,’ Payne says, explaining their decision to shield him. ‘We don’t want him to have the pressure that me and Cheryl have, as household names. We want him to enjoy himself first and then figure it out.’

Born and raised in Wolverhampton, Payne has an unexpectedly thick Midlands accent that gets thicker the longer he talks – which is a lot. His preferred conversational feature is the anecdote, resulting in a version of the phrase, ‘I remember, there was this one time…’ prefixing the majority of his utterances, which are in turn regularly punctuated with singular handclaps of self-incredulity. It can be mildly alarming, like interviewing a young, heavily-tattooed Ronnie Corbett, but I suppose it speaks to the amount of life experience he has already accrued.

Growing up, Payne’s father, Geoff, worked as a fitter, while his mother, Karen, was a nursery nurse. Money was tight and the house small, but he remembers it as a happy one.

‘My place was on the floor with the dog, there was no space on the sofa. It was great, though we didn’t have much. Dad was in debt, but they did the best they could. It makes you dream a bit, you know?’

As a child, he had two routes to possible stardom, both of which Geoff pushed hard for. One was singing, the other was long-distance running. For a time in his teens, Payne was one of the fastest 1500m runners in the country, getting up to train before school and seconds from qualifying for the London 2012 squad. It was before that, as a 14-year-old in 2008, that he first applied for X Factor.

Auditioning with Fly Me To The Moon, since it was one of the few songs he could manage while his voice was breaking, that year he got as far as the ‘judge’s houses’, before Simon Cowell told him to come back in two years and try again. He became a mini-celebrity back home in that between-period, and carried on performing around town. The adulation was short-lived, though.

Once, performing a Justin Timberlake cover at an under-18s gig in Oceana Wolverhampton, somebody lobbed a coin at his face and managed to draw blood. He laughs about it now. These days – admittedly a largely cashless society – it’s only bras and knickers they fling.

‘I had become less and less famous. One time, I was in McDonald’s with a girlfriend and someone shouted ‘X Factor reject!’ at me. The whole restaurant turned. It was like coming out of fame. So I knew what it was like at 15, and it helped me.’

Following Cowell’s advice, he returned to X Factor in 2010 and found himself shoved into One Direction with the four other boys, eventually finishing the competition in third place, but with easily the brightest future. Within weeks, he had moved out of his Wolverhampton bedroom and into a penthouse apartment in Canary Wharf.

And six years later, One Direction had sold more than 20 million records, become the first band in history to have their first four albums go to number one in the US, touring the world numerous times, and earned a preposterous amount of money in the process. Payne is now estimated to be worth £40 million. He hasn’t been back to Wolverhampton in a long time, but he paid off his father’s debts years ago, and bought his parents a new house in addition to funding the renovation of their family home. He refers to his time spent in One Direction as ‘like uni’.

When they were in the thick of things, all the boys used to obey Cowell’s omertà – relentless enthusiasm at all times, please – and never discussed any negative aspects of their experience. Now safely out the other side, Payne is frank on matters of burnout and claustrophobia.

‘Cabin fever. It sent me a bit AWOL at one point, if I’m honest. I can remember when there were 10,000 people outside our hotel. We couldn’t go anywhere. It was just gig to hotel, gig to hotel. And you couldn’t sleep, because they’d still be outside,’ he says, before telling several stories of how he and Tomlinson would sneak out of hotels just to feel freedom, only to find themselves bored once they got out.

‘People were speaking to me about mental health in music the other day, and that’s a big issue. Sometimes you just need some sun, or a walk.’

Every stop on tour became the same. Earlier this year, Payne was asked which was his favourite city of those he visited with One Direction. ‘One in Italy with a big white cathedral,’ he responded.(The band performed in Milan at least five times.)

‘One of the problems was that we never stopped to celebrate what we’d done. I remember us winning loads of American Music Awards and then having to get on a plane straight away. It got to the point where success was so fluid. I don’t even know what happened to our songs, we just sang them, then sang some more. It was like a proper, hard job. Non-stop. I can concentrate a lot more now.’

The paparazzi and fan attention sounds just as draining. It must feel weird having a Twitter following larger than the population of Australia, as he does, but especially odd to have fans so obsessed that they’ve set up multiple fake profiles pretending to be your mother, for some reason.

Moreover, footage of One Direction out and about makes A Hard Day’s Night look tame: thousands of screaming fans all over them, police escorts everywhere they went, an unending run of selfie requests... It came to a head in New York in 2012, when Payne was walking to a restaurant with his parents and a paparazzo accidentally pushed his mother over. He was incensed.

‘I was like, “Oh, f— this. F— this s—t.” There was a swarm of them and I just wanted a burger with my parents,’ he says, unsmiling for a moment. ‘I cried my eyes out. I thought, “I can’t do this”, and really hated my life.’

He soldiered on, but it wasn’t a healthy lifestyle; none of them seems to miss it now the ‘break’ is on.

‘It’s great that people can see what we’re really like away from each other,’ Payne says. ‘It got to a point in the band where we were just playing characters, and I was tired of my character. Apart from the daddy thing, I was really loud and bubbly. There were a lot of personalities in the band to keep up with, so I had to be all, ‘Ey!’, the rowdy lad, and I don’t have to now.’

There were times when the band would celebrate hard, and in that, Payne had catching up to do: as a child, he was diagnosed with a scarred kidney, meaning he didn’t taste alcohol until he was given the all-clear at 19. Tell a teenage millionaire they can now safely drink, and they’ll go for it. He admits ‘the floodgates opened’ that year.

‘I wasn’t happy. I went through a real drinking stage, and sometimes you take things too far. Everyone’s been that guy at the party where you’re the only one having fun, and there were points when that was me. I got to 13 stone, just eating crap. I got fat jibes, and it affects your head. I have nothing to hide about it…

‘As I say, it was like a musical university. We were pretty reckless, but I got it out of my system. I had my fun.’

The hiatus seems to have come at just the right time. But before he could take a breath, Payne lurched on in life, becoming involved with Cheryl almost at once.

Nobody asks how they met; their introduction is on YouTube for all to see. Ten years his senior, she was an X Factor judge in 2008 when the 14-year-old Payne shuffled in, all mop-hair and waistcoat, to perform his Sinatra number. He winked at her, she called him ‘cute’, they bumped into one another over the years, ended up working on a remix of one of her songs in 2014, and the rest is recent pop history.

Not everybody was happy when the relationship was initially confirmed. That Cheryl was in a quasi-pastoral role when they met raised eyebrows in the usual eyebrow-raising camps, as did the couple’s decade-wide age gap. Liam doesn’t care. In fact, he can still barely get over the fact she’s his girlfriend.

‘It’s a ridiculous place to be in,’ he says. ‘She’s even more amazing than I thought. I was watching her do Fight For This Love [her debut solo single, from 2009] when I was a kid, and now we’re together with a kid. I feel like I’m X Factor’s biggest winner.’

It helps having Cheryl around to ask about business matters. Like Payne, she was scouted on a TV pop contest (2002’s Popstars: The Rivals), had massive success in a group (Girls Aloud), and then went solo with a more urban sound. She is also the unlikely possessor of the record for number-one singles by a British woman.

‘We think about the same things. She understands what my life is like. She knows what it’s like to sit on the Graham Norton couch [or] we can talk about her L’Oréal work. It’s not that we’re “a brand” as a family, but we can help each other.’

In Who We Are, one of One Direction’s seven books, published in 2014, Payne writes in his chapter that he’s ‘worried about the idea of failing outside of this band’ and declared he’d become a low-key songwriter, because ‘there would be less attention on my life’.

The opposite of that is what’s happening, I inform him.

‘Yeah, that was a point when I was scared of our success, and we didn’t want to take a step back from it,’ he says. ‘I just wanted to be a songwriter and not be famous, but happy. Then Simon and Cheryl told me this is where I am supposed to be, and I’d miss the stage. The pressure of what was coming next was scary, but they talked me down.’

The solo product he’s come up with is the sort of music he’d always wanted to make: radio-friendly R&B in the style of his heroes, Justin Timberlake, Usher and Pharrell Williams, and more informed by the rap music he listens to than the pop he’s famous for. Who knows if he can shake the ‘embarrassing dad’ brand to pull it off, but the signs point to success. Strip That Down has been streamed more than 300 million times on Spotify alone.

‘I wanted this to be for people my age. The themes are a bit older, but you have to grow up with your fans. I can’t make bubblegum pop any more,’ he says.

One Direction fans needn’t despair. They might have dispersed and almost all signed elsewhere, but Payne is excited about the idea of a comeback gig in years to come. As, I’m sure, are the band’s accountants.

But that won’t be for a little while, if Payne has it his way, because – as he keeps on telling me – he is just far too happy with his lot at the moment to take a step backwards. When it reaches our time to wrap up, he’s still at it.

‘I feel great about what’s going on in my life,’ he says, giving it one last handclap and springing to his feet. ‘I’m extremely lucky. I feel like I’m in a comatose dream. I’m like, “when did I last bump my head?” because I can’t believe this…’

Liam Payne’s next single, Bedroom Floor, is out on 20 October

#liam payne #liam's solo project #liam's promo #liam for the telegraph #liam & cheryl #dad liam #baby payno #1d hiatus or split?#liam about 1d #liam about simon #liam's album #Wow Liam could have been an Olympian... That's pretty impressive #That was a great interview where he finally let go and was honest. The guy must have had so much pressure while in the band #reading this once again reaffirms that what Zayn said first and was hated for has been corroborated by other members now that they are solo #I hope that fans realize now that people see what you write about them or hear about it.. Poor guy he must have felt like shit when people #were making fun of his weight.. Or every single time fans tweeted at him in outrage for something problematic. Like these boys are human #Also him kind of letting you know listen what you saw onstage while there was a bit of us in there it was mostly characters that we had to #keep on playing....Also him talking about the lack of recognition even though him and Louis had the most songwriting credits #Him confirming that the 4 his for their album FOUR which I guess holds a special place in his heart #And he reiterates that he is in a period of his life where he is blissfully happy. He has a child with a partner that understands & support #him and it looks like he has found what he wants to do career wise and is getting his footing as a soloist #Interestingly enough in this interview he is letting you know that the reunion if it overcomes it's not going to be anytime soon

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wskent · 5 years

Text

What about Bob? (pt. 4)

Mueller enters the club. It appears he has time traveled to the 1920s, the roaringly sinful 1920s. Women dance in beaded dresses with bobbed haircuts, men in their baggy suits. No one seems to see Mueller who did not notice the sign outside explaining that the club is hosting a themed fundraiser for Michigan Senator Debbie Stabenow, a true party-animal.

Mueller is offered a coupe of champagne which he takes but doesn’t drink. Everyone knows that if you eat or drink anything in the past you’ll be stuck there forever. Mueller is approached by Orrin Hatch who is wearing his usual off-duty senator ensemble - a red tracksuit with Adidas sandals and black trouser stockings. Hatch hurries over to Mueller, “You party crashing too?”

“What?” Mueller asks.

“Oh, I know this is supposed to be some kind of liberal themed party, but I love the gin gimlets they serve at this place.”

None of this information has made any sense to the sleep-deprived Mueller who believes he is either time traveling or still in a coma. He stares blankly at Hatch who doesn’t seem to notice.

“And I do love jazz,” Hatch adds. He begins to move his body in a way that could be described as dancing, but to Mueller it looks like lurid writhing. He begins to feel nauseous. He turns away from Hatch and begins to make his way toward a soft reddish light he sees in the distance.

He walks toward the red light. Mueller weaves by a gaggle of raucous treasury members, led by nosy-Jack Lew. Lew snaps his fingers arrogantly as Mueller tries to avoid eye contact, but fails. Lew waves, flashing his renowned three-dollar smile. Mueller scowls, stunned by Dianne Feinstein, who, everyone agrees, can really dance.

The red light grows in intensity. All-too-suddenly Muller catches a strong whiff of asparagus and glue on a hot day. It’s like a slap in the face. He grimaces, stopping dead in his tracks, knowing full-well it’s too late. “Oh hell,” he stammers.

“BOB MUELLER. IN THE FLESH,” a deep voice with a syrupy southern-drawl announces.

“Hi Rex,” Mueller says, moving his blazer, adjusting his cuffs. “Are those pigs in a blanket?” Mueller inquires.

“There aren’t many sure things in this world, Bobby, but those are pigs in a blanket,” he declares, gesturing with his whole arm at a platter bathed in red light. “Help yourself.”

“I’d rather not,” Mueller says, remembering the slippery rules around time travel. He looks at Tillerson and his group of oil weasels, fawning over the recently-freed Tillerson. “What are you doing here, Rex? I thought you would be getting out of this dirty, old burg.”

“I’m a big fan of chaos, Bobby. I want this race to be interesting. Stabenow is scrappier than my pet goat, Ramona.” Ramona, Rex Tillerson’s pet goat is a well-known figure in DC and Texas. It is impossible to know how far beyond these spheres Ramona’s story reaches. Bob Mueller met Ramona on several occasions and finds himself nodding in agreement. “Plus, I love a good show,” Tillerson adds, running a toothpick from one side of his mouth to the other, smiling menacingly. Helping himself to a pig in a blanket, Tillerson dangles it over his maw to impress Mueller. Mueller is unmoved, even as Tillerson releases it, gnashing his jowls and craning his neck at the same time, like a bear chomping down on a river salmon. The weasels approve. Mueller feels a tap on his shoulder and swivels around.

“Well, thank god you walked in,” Dianne Feinstein says. She’s bathed in sweat, no doubt from singlehandedly setting the tone on the dancefloor. Her tone is flirtatious. “Tammy Baldwin was supposed to play piano for this gig. I guess she’s double-booked tonight. I know it’s a big ask,” she says, wiping her brow with a palm tree-patterned kerchief, “but would you mind covering for her tonight?”

Mueller feels time stand still. He had sworn off the piano years ago, or had he given it up minutes ago? The MK-timeline makes dates hazy. If only he had a paper cup right now. As a man of discipline, Bob Mueller was able to systematically swear off all distractions in his life -- except jazz. He remembers reading an article in The Hilltop, Howard University’s best newspaper, that said Jazz music was not to be trusted because of its jagged beats. In an alarming turn of events, he rebelled against this editorial, embracing the unpredictable rhythms of jazz as a guiding light - a truth that would ground him.

As he thinks more about this, Mueller looks down and realizes he is halfway through Monk’s Nutty, confidently seated at a jet-black piano. Debbie Stabenow is suspended ten feet above the piano in a sparkling hula-hoop, spinning gracefully as red and silver confetti fall around him. There’s Gillibrand on sax and he swears he can see Sherrod Brown on drums. He leans in close to the keys and his fingers dance. Is he wearing sunglasses? He hears Tillerson’s booming voice “My god Bobby, you’re gonna set the place on fire.”

His eyes scan the room. He wants to see the man in the pink umbrella, but all he sees is Orrin Hatch and Chuck Schumer dip each other awkwardly bumping into other attendees. He dives hard and fast into the middle eight and the crowd cheers approvingly. It’s a helluva fundraiser he concedes to himself, pulling back on the piano as she begins her speech.

“HEY YOU, MACHINES,” everyone knows that Stabenow loves trying out new accents and referring to people who aren’t from Michigan as machines. “Time to explode your wallets into my bank account,” she remarks grotesquely in a pitch-perfect Australian brogue. The crowd is delighted and Mueller hears audible squeals of delight. He glares at Schumer and purses his lips.

Stabenow continues about the importance of keeping Michigan out of the great lakes, how small things should be smaller, and launches into her usual stump speech, complete with talking points from the blimp lobby. Mueller chuckles to himself as the shape of blimps are very funny. He shakes his head because it’s really funny.

“BOB,” Stabenow says suddenly, forcefully, emphasizing the curves of the letter Bs, “We are running out of time.” She’s staring directly at him. The whole crowd is staring too. The spotlight is on him and him alone. The crowd encircles him. He blinks vacantly. He tries to stay present, banishing the nagging thought that he will wind up in front of another unlikely district locale with a half-eaten sandwich in hand. He is tired of the tangled timeline and John Kerry run-ins. He misses the din of his office. He yearns for the field from his dream, far away from the district. He wishes---

“Are you even listening, Bob?” Feinstein is shaking him. He smiles, nodding. “We need you more than ever.” Even the oil weasels are nodding their heads. Orrin Hatch gyrates with needless gusto and the scent of asparagus and hot glue permeates everything as Rex Tillerson claps like Duffy, the beloved seal at the national zoo.

“I...I..I’m happy to help,” Mueller muses. “I...I just need to answer some questions first.” The room grows quiet. He feels it is suddenly very late. The crowd fades into the dark corners of the club. He gazes down at the checkerboard floor. It stretches infinitely in all directions. He feels heat behind his knees. He licks his lips and tastes vinegar. He reaches down into a bowl full of nuts and takes a handful. The world spins around its axis and feels a premonition, the future coming. He opens his mouth, absent-mindedly, taking in a handful of nuts. His large jaw makes quick work of them.

In the far-reaches of his mind he starts to hear music. A piano looping. A swell of a string ensemble. He closes his eyes. A cascade of color. All colors. Beautiful hues. A palette of deep, vivid colors comes into focus. The music grows louder. He begins singing along. It’s Over the Rainbow. Warm tones and a soft crackle. An old recording. The one from the movie. A familiar warble. Is that Judy Garland? He’s tearing up, looking at himself staring into the infinite abyss of Washington, DC. He sees light blue gingham everywhere. She appears in the middle of it, wearing, ruby slippers. She hands him a lei of flowers. He accepts them and locks eyes with her. In slow motion she says “Bob, this is wrong. I am the wrong one. The other one. Find the other one. Make haste. We need you, Bob. The wizard. THE WIZARD!” She screams. He’s confused, but nods. He reaches out to her and she disintegrates into a powerful gingham wind. Rex Tillerson laughs somewhere and the world shudders while Orrin Hatch tries out his new dance moves. Ugh. The room swirls around him and all goes dark.

Silence.

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just-kateblr · 7 years

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I was tagged by @my-wanton-self

1. What’s your biggest pet peeve? Willful ignorance and people who are purposefully inconsiderate. (They’re related, I suppose, but can manifest differently.)

2. What one fear would you like to conquer? Currently, my biggest that I would like to conquer is openly presenting myself as female to the world.

3. What’s your favourite song lyric and why? There are quite a few it’s hard to pick just one. The one I’ll go with is from Sweet Jane from the Velvet Underground: Some people they like to go out dancin’/ and other people they have to work. Just watch me now/ and there's even some evil mothers/ Well there gonna tell you that everthing is just dirt/ you know that women never really faint/ and that villians always blink their eyes/ that children are the only ones who blush/and that life is just to die/ But anyone who ever had a heart/ they wouldn't turn around and break it/ and anyone who ever played a part / They wouldn't turn around and hate it. Why do I like it? I think it kind of speaks for itself.

4. If you could shop at one store for free, which would it be? I would have to flip a coin between Nordstrom or Costco.

5. Which language would you like to speak fluently? Spanish.

6. What secret super power would you like to have, and why? Shapeshifting. You could get into just about anywhere.

7. Would you like to be famous and what would you like to be known for? I have no desire to be famous.

8. What was the worst haircut you ever had? A long time ago, I moved to Northern Virginia and needed a haircut. I went to a barbershop that apparently specialized in military cuts and while I just asked for a trim, he got out clippers and after the first pass, I knew I was in trouble. I ended up with something pretty close to a high and tight. It was awful.

9. What are the most important qualities in friends? Honesty, intelligence, the willingness to share thoughts and opinions, good sense of humor, empathy, and a desire to make things better somehow. I love having a common understanding and, at the same time, being able to challenge and be challenged.

10. What’s the most significant lesson you’ve learned in life so far? People’s needs will not always match your own; it’s what they do at that point that is important. Also, sometimes life is shitty, but it generally improves eventually. Maybe not in the way you thought, but you’ll find that it’s no longer shitty. (Yes, I know, that’s technically two. I’m lousy at following the rules.)

11. What makes you laugh the hardest? My daughters. They’re just plain funny.

12. What’s your proudest accomplishment? That’s a hard one because I tend not to look back too much. Plus, much of what I’ve accomplished has also been because other people have played along, so I can’t take full credit.

13. If you could have any view out the window of your room, which would it be? The ocean. I grew up near the water and am now in the middle of the US. I would love to be near a large body of water.

14. If you could eat dinner with one celebrity, who would it be, and why? I can’t say that he’s a celebrity, but Barack Obama is certainly famous and would be an amazing dinner companion. I’d probably want to have a ranging conversation about policy, his life, and experiences as President. Plus, for bonus points, I’d try to get him to open up and vent about how he really feels about Trump.

15. If you could do something dangerous just once with no risk, what would you do? I can’t think of much, I’ve already done a number of things that people consider dangerous. I think removing the fear of danger would take away the adrenaline and most of the fun.

16. What’s your all-time favourite music video? Undercover of the Night by The Rolling Stones. It’s a great video; almost like a short film.

17. Which three words would you use to describe yourself? Smart, funny, empathetic.

18. What’s the first thing you’d do if you suddenly changed into the opposite sex? As a trans woman, I’m going to write my own rules here. I am a woman, but if I suddenly had the body of a cis woman, I’d explore my tits and bits, then masturbate like there was no tomorrow.

19. What’s your favourite website, and why? I have eclectic tastes and moods, so it varies by the minute and the hour. I love all of the information and places that I can go with the internet.

20. If you got a tattoo, what would you get and where would you put it? I cannot think of one thing I would want on my skin forever. If I had to choose, I might either get “Be Here Now” in a nice font on my wrist OR a butterfly on my shoulder for the symbolism.

21. When you’re down, what do you do to feel better? I try not to wallow too long and look to do something to change the channel. That usually involves moving my body in some way or another. I also reach out to dear friends for conversation and engagement.

22. If you could go on tour with a band for a month, who would it be, and why? Not my thing.

23. What’s you favourite dessert? I have a weakness for cannolis. Good ones, though. The kind where the outside is freshly baked and then filled immediately before serving, so you have the mix of the crunch and the softness. Divine!

24. What one thing would you want to do most if you had all the money in the world? Ensure that money was not a barrier to anyone seeking further education.

25. Who’s the least obvious person you’d like to kiss? Least obvious? Maybe Sam Rockwell. There is something about him that I find strangely sexy.

26. Would you join in at a topless beach? At this point, if I had a nice set of boobs, I would happily share them at a topless beach.

27. Where would you most like to travel? I have too many choices to list here. I would travel almost incessantly if I could. I’ve not yet been to South America, Africa, or Antarctica, so those would be on the top of my list.

28. What would you eat for your ultimate birthday dinner? I tend to like food that is good and fresh. I’d start with a fresh salad, with bleu cheese and bacon. Grilled filet mignon. Very fresh corn on the cob. Freshly baked bread with a nice crunchy crust. Roasted brussel sprouts. Good cannoli for dessert.

29. What was your most embarrassing moment? Eh, if you really want to know, hit me up in chat. It’s a bit of a story that involves Chinese food and getting sick in a work colleague’s hotel room. It was mortifying when it happened, but it’s pretty darned funny.

30. What historical sporting event would you like to witness? In person, I’d love to the 1999 Men’s NCAA Basketball Championship. My alma mater, the University of Connecticut, was the underdog and upset heavily favored Duke for their first national championship. It was great to watch on TV, but it would be amazing to see in person.

31. Which song evokes the strongest memories for you? Missing You - John Waite

32. What’s the best birthday celebration you can imagine? I don’t ever want a huge celebration, I’d love to have a bunch of close friends around where we can talk, drink, eat, laugh, and generally just enjoy everyone’s company.

33. What’s your favourite ethnic food? Mexican.

34. Do you have any habits you’d like to give up? Procrastination.

35. What would you save first if your house caught on fire? Children, spouse, then pets.

36. Who would you trade places with for one month? I’m not picky, and this might sound shallow, but I’d trade places with an able bodied cis woman who is considered above average in appearance. In other words, I’d love to see what it was like to live as an unequivocally gorgeous woman.

37. What’s the story behind your first name? I had the joy of being able to select one for myself, which ended up being harder than I thought. I like what I landed on, though.

38. What’s been the biggest obstacle in your life so far? I don’t like the word obstacle. I take it to mean a barrier that blocks things. While I have had plenty of challenges, I try to not let those things block me. My hope is to always move forward, even if it is slowly. No question, my biggest challenge is being trans.

39. Have you ever stolen something? What was it? Why did you steal it? Ugh, yes. I was traveling in Australia some years ago and I noticed a wallet sitting on some phone books at the post office. I looked inside and there was a couple hundred dollars in it. I left it sitting there and went to make my call, but kept my eye on it. Someone else from the hostel I was staying in walked in, saw the wallet, and then we locked eyes. I indicated that I didn’t know whose it was and he reached in an pulled out the cash. I figured, if it was going to be stolen, I was going to benefit from it (I was low on cash at the time). We walked around the corner, he split the money with me and we went our separate ways. I still regret doing this and wish that I had picked up the wallet when I first saw it and turned it in.

40. To you, what’s the secret to happiness? I believe happiness is really just enjoying life’s simple and pleasurable moments. We’ve got so much that goes on that has peaks and valleys of emotion and it is important to feel those, for the good and the bad. It is the small moments that are the glue to our lives, though. A laugh with a friend. Warm sunshine on your skin on a cool day. The smell of salt air. To me, it’s enjoying those moments that are what make for happiness and joy.

Please do not feel compelled to do this, but I’m going to tag a few people whom I would love to see their responses. I tag @mymindisdrawinga, @annacaffeina, @perfectlyscrumptious, @perfectlywhelmed, @visionaria, @tumbleweedsinmyvagina, @ptero-bites, @misslondoncallin, @vampysquid, and I started thinking this list was getting long, so I stopped, but please feel free to respond away if you are taken with the idea.

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ramajmedia · 5 years

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Once Upon A Time: 10 Hilarious Memes Only True Fans Understand

We might have finally closed the book on Once Upon A Time, but that doesn't mean fans have completely forgotten the show that gave our beloved childhood stories a whole new life. The premise of the series was brilliant, and even though it went through some troubled times and some questionable plotlines, we're happy to say it holds a special place in the heart's of every true fan out there. After all, how can anyone remain indifferent to a show that brought back all the characters we grew up with?

Related: 10 Once Upon A Time Characters Sorted Into Their Hogwarts Houses

Many people will agree that it was more than the time we said goodbye to the magical world of Once Upon A Time. But even though that's true, we aren't prepared to completely put it to rest. Fortunately, there is more than enough room for a couple of rewatching sessions. And, of course, memes! Let us all remember the magic and laugh at the same time while we take a look at ten hilarious memes only true fans will understand!

10 Mr Grey AKA The Huntsman

Way before Jamie Dornan was making half of the world population go crazy with his role as the enigmatic Mr. Grey in the much-anticipated movie Fifty Shades of Grey, he was gracing our small screens. His role as the huntsman was short-lived, but it made enough impact to make some fans really mad when he died.

Considering that the show lasted seven seasons and he didn't even make it past the first one, we say there's a good reason to be mad. It's not like his character was vital to the story or anything. He didn't even have that much dialogue. But he. Was. So. Hot. it just seems a little bit unfair, but maybe it's time to get over it. Or not.

9 Does My Hair Look Okay?

Yes, yes - we know she wasn't actually checking out her hair for fashionable purposes. The girl just wanted to make sure she was in the right reality. You know, as opposed to the one with unicorns and women with tails. But it's still pretty funny to assume that the first thing Regina would do after waking up from a dark curse would be to check her haircut.

Mostly because that is so Regina. Both this Regina and Regina George. Maybe it's a name thing? Either way, say whatever you want about the woman, but one thing is for sure - she has her priorities right!

8 Pun Intended

Remember Peter Pan? Not the cutesy, lovable child our parents used to tell us stories about. Rather the one who was Henry's great-grandfather, Bae's grandpa, and Rumpelstilskin's dad. If you think your family tree is messed up, watching Once Upon A Time will probably make you thank the heavens for what you got in the cards.

Related: Once Upon A Time: 10 Hidden Details About The Costumes You Didn't Notice

Either way, Peter Pan was an idiot. He was a full-blown villain, that made for a very confusing, albeit very entertaining third season. It's like he actually made this joke, but you know what? He might as well have because it's not exactly out of character for him to be extremely annoying. Do us a favor and never leave Neverland. Thanks!

7 Who Wore It Better?

Rumpelstiltskin was one of those characters you both love and hate. You know, sometimes you love to hate him, other times you hate to love him. And that friends, is a great example of both amazing writing and a fantastic performance. Even though everyone is Storybrooke managed to be some measure of messed up, Rumpelstiltskin takes the cake.

But one thing's for sure, the man knows how to be stylish. Even when his skin is green and full of weird marks, he still delivers some iconic fashion moments. Even more iconic than Prince Charming himself who, let's face it, is a tad bit boring. Maybe hire a stylist?

6 I Have The Perfect Solution For You!

If you've never been slightly obsessed with a television show before, chances are, you're not human. Slightly is already a very tame term, considering just how overboard some fans can go when it comes to defending their favorite series. Or talking about it. Or loving it in general.

Related: Once Upon A Time: 10 Best Costumes On The Show, Ranked

The thing about Once Upon A Time fans is that you can't rest assured they are all very peaceful souls. They just happen to enjoy a sprinkle of magic in their lives, and that a-okay. Just be careful not to insult the show too much. After all, you never know when a poisoned apple might make its way towards you...

5 Go Emma!

In all honesty, our hearts will always go out to Emma. Jesus, the woman has been through some serious hardships in her entire life. Not only did she have to give up her child for adoption, she has to deal with him coming back years later. Along with the revelation that she is Snow White and Prince Charming's daughter, of course!

However, through it all, Emma has somehow managed to stay sane and thrive. She eventually accepted her fate and found a middle ground to co-parent Henry with Regina. Plus, how much cooler can a mom get than Emma Swan? That's straight-up impossible, so congratulations to our good boy Henry!

4 Hey, I Just Met You...

How many variations of this song have we all heard by now? Probably thousands. But we're willing to argue that none of those hit the mark quite as this does. Where else could you find such a perfect situation, that it's both implausible, tragic, and hilarious in its ridicule? Leave it to Once Upon A Time!

Related: The Myers-Briggs® Types Of Once Upon A Time Characters

Let's all take a second to make sure we show Emma Swan enough love and appreciation. What would any of us do if we heard and witnessed the things that she did? Probably consult several therapists. Not Emma though! She embraced all the craziness around her, and thanks to that, we got seven awesome seasons.

3 Bae?

Call your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife. You can even call you pets. Just be sure to let them know that they are officially canceled because the one and only Bae is in town! Remember him? Henry's father, Emma's first love of sorts, Rumpelstilskin's son before he went all dark mode?

We would truly like to know if the name choice was intentional or not. Probably not, considering that at the time the expression "before anyone else" still wasn't mainstream. But it's just one of those rare instances int he universe where everything aligns so perfectly...and it's all in a name!

2 Just Shut Up, Snow

It's probably one of the longest-running gags amongst fans of the show. Snow White is a lot of wonderful things, okay? No one can deny that she loves deeply, fights for the well being of others, and is braver than most heroes out there. Plus, she's at the center of one of the most beautiful love stories ever depicted on television.

But the woman can't keep her mouth shut. To the point where it's detrimental to others, and to the point where it actually brought about her own near destruction. For the love of all that's holy Snow, put an Apple on it. Or just kiss Charming. Anything but letting sounds get out of your mouth.

1 BuT I'M a MoNSter!!

Rumpelstiltskin is the ultimate sad boy. It's not like we can't sympathize with him, he did go through some pretty horrible things. But wasn't there a better way to deal with it? Either way, that's beside the point. What matters here is that he actually thinks no one can love him, even when someone does. Clearly.

Do you know who really does love you, Rumpel? Despite every horrible thing you did throughout the course of the show? Your fangirls, Rumple. Your fangirls love you. Three clicks on the Internet are enough to prove it- - maybe consider bringing that self-deprecating tone down a notch?

Next: Once Upon A Time: The 5 Best Relationships (& The 5 Worst)

source https://screenrant.com/upon-time-hilarious-memes-fans/

#screenrant

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johannesviii · 8 years

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Eater of Wasps

Some highlights of the last EDA I’ve read (Eater of Wasps).

I took these screens while reading, along with my reactions. As usual, this is full of spoilers.

O-kay, so this cover is pretty gruesome, I wonder if this is a-

OH SHIT OH NO

Well, that was unexpectedly great.

The problems keep piling up in this story and the action never really stops. It’s pretty straightforward and I wish some characters were given a bit more to do, but the regulars are still well written. Eight hasn’t been this alien since The Burning (which makes sense since it’s the same kind of story, with a basic plot but written like a thriller), Fitz is his usual loyal self, even when he’s scared shitless by the events, and Anji has some of the most interesting moments.

It’s also a real page-turner, with some gloriously horrible body horror left and right and more than a few laughs among all the stress. Unlike the previous book, this one doesn’t really try to make a point, it has a very traditional structure (if you forget the ton of gore thrown at us), and it’s just a gripping adventure with no other goal in mind. Definitely refreshing. 8/10

Okay this is a Baxendale book, so... how long have we got before the body horror and/or the killing starts

THAT WAS LITERALLY THE FIRST LINE

The TARDIS sounds like “a rather poorly cow”, according to this lady.

I laughed out loudly

Get back in the police box, Fitz, you unshaven untrustworthy criminal

Still laughing but I hope this old bigot dies in this story tbh

This description of our current Eight is simultaneously delightful and sad.

Miss “Old-bat-on-a-bike” Havers sounds exactly like a certain person who’s currently running for president in my country and who I hope to see crash and burn in the near future with all my heart

How many racist bigots are there in Miss “I-speak-for-the-whole-village” Havers’ shoes exactly

WELP TIME FOR FUN HEADCANONS ABOUT DANY PINK’S FAMILY TREE

“MISS HAVERS APPEARED READY TO COLLAPSE UNDER THIS ONSLAUGHT OF FOREIGN-SOUNDING NAMES”

Nope. Nope.

Eight wants to drive a tractor.

Also wasn’t he travelling far away from England in the thirties? I recall he said something like that in The Turing Test.

I’m smiling through the sadness this is confusing

Eight geeking about vintage cars, everyone

I really like the Pink brothers so far, so I’m pretty sure at least one of them is going to suffer horribly in this story

Well that’s also what Lawrence Miles claims and his books are roughly 50% politics so I don’t know about this

Eh eh

Eight playing Paranoid on a piano is my new aesthetic

Also I wondered how it would sound like on a piano and holy shit look at this video this person is so talented, like, damn

I don’t know who Kala is but her haircut made me laugh

So Rigby’s possessed by the wasps in some way?

Anji saying “bloody” impresses Hilary Pink and I find this endearing, somehow

We know, Eight, we know

The descriptions of the TARDIS team are great in this book.

I love this scene??

“There was something wrong” = understatement of the month

This creeps me out way more than the wasps themselves, to be honest, because I don’t particularly hate them. I have no idea how painful a wasp sting is because I’ve never been attacked by any of them ever. Granted, I don’t like them, but still.

Wait a second, is the old bigot contaminated too now?

“PITY ABOUT THE PLUMS”

COULD YOU PRETEND TO BE SAD ABOUT THE DEAD GUY FOR TWO CONSECUTIVE SECONDS YOU WALNUT

Extremely relatable

Run away. Run. Away.

Anji no

Good description cut, like, 10/10 would cut again

Can I breathe now? Cause I’d really enjoy that

Apparently I can’t

OH NOT MY HEART HE KEPT THE LETTER FOR 90 YEARS

I’m laughing like an idiot, that never gets old

Still laughing by the way

Well you did ask

Always the best course of action

I love this scene so much oh my god

Well that’s completely different, then

Have I already told you I loved this new TARDIS team with all my heart

[Unexpected sadness]

1) Eight was a sailor during the thirties, why isn’t there a book about that

2) Is that a reference to Pertwee’s tattoo?

3) If Eight really has a tattoo, wouldn’t that be a first (Three’s tattoo was there for real life reasons so it doesn’t really count)?

4) A tattoo of what

5) Where

6) If he hasn’t one and that’s all a lie… is… is he flirting with Fitz

I have no words

My hair is standing on end on my arms I’m not even joking at all holy f█cking shit that’s so f█cking creepy

OH. THAT’S EASY THEN. JUST IGNORE THE HUMAN WASP HIVE STANDING ABSOLUTELY STILL IN COMPLETE DARKNESS WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN TWO METERS AWAY FROM YOU. JUST IGNORE HIM. BECAUSE THAT’S VERY EASY, RIGHT

This shouldn’t be that funny but I’m half laughing half cringing

This scene is terrifying and hilarious at the same time, which results in me cringing like there’s no tomorrow

F█CK I KNEW IT

Holy shit Doctor

Good job, Kala, 10/10

Don’t we all

Oh god please try to explain the context to the police, Eight, I really want you to explain how you arrived in a police box and how Wasp Man is menacing that village because somebody dropped an alien thingie there

Nevermind

Funnier in hindsight

Fitz Kreiner, prison cells connaisseur

Of course he wouldn’t, but that’s still concerning.

Wait Miss “Old-bat-on-a-bike” Havers isn’t dead yet? Is there no justice in the world? (don’t answer that)

“I’m not sure what he is”

Oh that's perfectly normal then

Hey isn’t that the cover of the book?

Eight this is an autopsy for crying out loud don’t act like it’s an unboxing video

Oh. Oh wait. Oh f█ck. Is this book “SCP-439, but with wasps and the victims are mobile"? Oh shit that’s suddenly ten times worse

KILL IT WITH FIRE

FOR THE LULZ For the Vine no idea

Okay book I like you very much but there’s only so many times I can say "nope" in this liveblog and I’m going to run out of nopes soon

EXTREMELY RELATABLE??

I know the feeling, Eight, but please try to focus

That’s… that’s not exactly what she meant, Fitz. I do adore the fact that you had prepared an answer to that question, though

Hehe of course he would offer mint humbugs instead of jelly babies just to troll everyone about the wasps thing – also I want one, I’ve never tasted one before

Oh no cute

[Takes references for future drawings]

Honestly I love this description

SCREAMING

THERE’S BEEN A LOT OF GREAT SCENES IN THIS BOOK ALREADY BUT THAT’S IN THE TOP THREE FOR SURE

Eight you nerd

...........of course you did

implying things aren’t messy already

"overtactile"

Also I still can’t get this out of my head, wasn’t she attacked earlier ?

Ignore me I’m just dying a little bit over there

10/10 would fraud again

This book is almost non-stop action AND funny AND scary and honestly it would be a top-grade perfect Doctor Who book if the writing was slightly better and if the plot was a bit more original

Eight this is a bad idea and you know it

Anji is channelling my exact reaction

Eight every time you end up fighting someone it doesn’t end well for you

That quote is wonderful, I’m gonna memorise it for future D&D games

“It always looks easier in the movies”

This f█cking dialogue oh my god

Or perhaps you could blast the fire extinguisher right in his face before he hurts anyone else, just an idea

“Mad? I’m absolutely furious"

Nobody No-One’s on the phone & he wants his quote back

That’s always been one of my favorite things with Eight, his tendency to take one look at trolley problems and be like "nah". People die accidentally all the time but most of the time he refuses to be the person who decides who lives and who dies. Of course it’s highly debatable, but that’s what makes it interesting in the first place.

"Hope this is not Chris's blood"

Friendly reminder that the Doctor can detect blood types

I don’t know why but that particular sentence makes me laugh, the mental picture is irresistible

Fitz is that guy who always gets killed in slasher movies

And Eight can finally drive a tractor eeeeeee

That’s it that’s the book

Still in love with the descriptions from Rigby’s point of view, by the way.

GREAT EXACTLY WHAT WE NEEDED

GREAT EXACTLY WHAT WE NEEDED 2: THE QUICKENING

Also a defining trait of Eight in all his stories: his refusal to give up. Which is why the beginning of Dark Eyes was so great. And also Ship in a Bottle, because sometimes people need to remind him there’s always hope.

And that’s also what makes Night of the Doctor so heartwrenching ; it’s the Doctor who “never ever gives up” finally giving up, for good.

1) Anji is still channelling my thoughts 2) Honestly I’m glad Rigby’s now an actual monster because the human hive thing standing motionless in complete darkness was infinitely more creepy to me

Still loving these descriptions so I’m still screening them.

The fact that there’s still a part of him which knows this is a f█cking nightmare is the cherry on top, actually.

ASDFGHJHGHJK I FUCKING KNEW IT

“AND TO THINK I HUGGED YOU”

That’s your only reaction?

Ummm sorry I know the situation is extremely tense but look at this sweet little moment?? Thank you

Wasp Man

DOCTOR YOU LITTLE SHIT

Damn that was brutal

I shouldn’t be laughing so hard

Great just what we needed

Why is this still so funny

Can I breathe now

I don’t know why this is so cute to me but it really is

Friendly reminder that I love Anji

Everyone’s safe and nothing hurts, goodbye

Honestly I don’t even know which part of this I prefer.

Maybe "what deadline?".

#Eighth Doctor Adventures #Eater of Wasps #Eighth Doctor #Fitz Kreiner #Anji Kapoor #doctor who #An EDA liveblog full of useless comments #long post #gif #caps lock #body horror tw #insects tw #gore tw

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dezzy-137 · 4 years

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Sad and Struggling

I don’t normally do blog posts on this site, but i am struggling and need to get this out.

Amidst the backdrop of what is going on in this country, I am faced with a tough decision on whether to end my friendship with my best friend, who I will refer to as A.

I met A about 13 years ago when we both worked for the same company and I was essentially his assistant at a popular freight carrier. We are now and have always been very different people, and often we would remark at how our friendship “shouldn’t make sense.” It just did. He is an older white, straight, cis man who is married, has 4 kids, and his life and responsibilities are completely different than mine. I am a little younger than him, Hispanic, queer, female, and single with no children. What started out as a funny dynamic at work where we bonded over music and made silly jokes, turned into a deep friendship. Him and his wife have a great trusting marriage (which is excedingly rare) and she was cool with us going to bars and clubs (mostly gay ones) to dance and have a few drinks. In turn, our friendship deepened, and his wife M, and I have become really close, along with their grown daughters who have turned to me for support, kind of like a quirky Aunt. this has been a fulfilling friendship and their family as a whole has gotten me through some rough times in my life. I consider them to be like my chosen family.

This all began to deteriorate over the last 4 or 5 years. I can’t quite pinpoint the turning point or exactly the beginning, but I feel like we began to decline as A struggled with being in a high paying but physically and emotionally demanding job. I’ve seen him withdraw and really not reach out to me or us hang out like we normally did. He began to depend on alcohol a lot, and no matter what I did, it just wasn’t the same as before. He would say certain things like “i know I’m not being a good friend. . .” This would be frustrating because on one hand, I would be sympathetic that he is unhappy and struggling, but on the other hand, he would make no moves to improve our friendship.

during this time, I began to spend more time with his wife M. She is kind of the antithesis to her husbands personality. While A, has always enjoyed being a lovable asshole, M is kind, loving, and mild mannered. She had a fairly traumatic childhood, to the point where I am in awe that she remained so tender and lion hearted after everything she’s been through. She’s been a true ally.

This all culminated when Trump was elected. . . .

I have very strong political stances, I like to be politically aware and up to date on what is going on in my country. For the record, I despise Trump. He is everything wrong in this country. To quote a well known activist in the Black Lives Matter movement, “this country is on fire, and Trump that lit the match. “ I don’t believe has done anything good for this country. NOT ONE THING. I believe he is a rapist, racist, misogynist, xenophobic piece of shit. There is a laundry list of his misdeeds, hypocrisy, lies, and in the midst of this pandemic he is inciting violence in this country. There is no ambiguity about this in my point of view.

to be fair, I have never been one to thrust my beliefs on someone else. As I wouldn’t want anyone to do that to me. I have several friends, where we don’t exactly align or we just believe in different things. Some of that just doesn’t affect me or i have to let them do their own thing.

A has always been fairly liberal, at least out loud. He has high standards of the people around him, but thought he has a “live and let live” mentality. I knew he didn’t really like Obama, but was under the impression from the small conversations we had at the time, that his stance had to do with healthcare.

I never would have imagined that i would find out that A voted for Trump. I couldn’t understand, why in the world he would vote for him. He had a staunch position on Hillary, and he pulled the whole “but her emails!” It just seemed so far in the other direction, especially since he has 4 daughters and a progressive wife that he would pick a person who is openly misogynistic as well as a sexual predator. Not to mention his stances on race, and an economy that has effected him and his family’s finances.

i was convinced by a mutual friend that you just gotta let him believe what he’s going to believe, and for a long time I let it go. I felt like I knew this guy. We’ve cried, laughed, shared many meals and deep personal secrets. We’ve been intensely vulnerable with each other, and I felt like he’s a good man, husband, and father. We will just not discuss politics.

Cue to a few years ago, when there was the beginning of the Me Too Movement. I feel strongly about this as I have been a victim of sexual abuse, harrassment, and have been touched without my consent. I have told him this story and he’s also been witness to his wife’s story, who has been through the same thing. I posted my story onto Facebook, and imagine my shock and hurt when he made a joke about it. I called him out on it, and he apologized, but it’s something that stuck with me. I forgave but never forgot.

A few weeks ago, before the protests, we got into another online fight when I posted something about the people who are protesting the lock downs. You see the videos of these privileged people who want haircuts and to go to bars and restaurants, and I am appalled at their stupidity, lack of medical knowledge, and overall ignorance. Not to mention the white privilege of those who stormed capital buildings with assault weapons and blocked entrance to hospitals.

Once again, I was blindsided when A stood up for them and said it wouldn’t save us and that he thought the mask thing was stupid. It’s not that serious and he resents having to be told to wear one for his job. I went off on him, and told him that i thought he was being ridiculous when so many people are dying and his illustrious president let this happen. It was so heated, that i thought that it was the end of our friendship. I was so frustrated that this person who I thought I knew so well, was literally one of those people you see in videos coughing in people’s faces and saying its all a hoax and that we are sheep.

I didn’t reach out to him and figured that was that. My friendship with M seemed to be intact, and even though I remained hurt, I needed to move forward.

Yesterday, A texted me and told me he missed me. This struck me dumb, since we left our previous argument unresolved and he was acting like it never happened. I was reluctant but tried to have some perspective and tried to forgive him.

Then today . . .I posted on FB about Trumps call for military intervening in the protests. We have all seen the countless videos, posts, and such about the brutality that the police and national guard are committing against peaceful protests. It’s there in full view and if you cannot not see that, its hard to make sense of how you can be on the other side of this. He condemned my views, and praised Trump. This enraged me. I told him he needed to educate himself and learn who the real criminals are. He told me, I’ll believe what I believe and vice versa. Dismissive.

i was shaking and my blood was boiling, not to mention that I felt like my heart was breaking as I saw this man who I love dearly and he’s spouting this. How do I reconcile this person in comparison to these abhorrent beliefs. Am I perpetuating this judgement by wanting to end our friendship because we don’t believe the same thing? Am I ending/complicating my friendship/relationship with M and their family by ending my friendship with him? Is this the kind of woman I want to be who has strong beliefs, but doesn’t have the courage to back them up by continuing my friendship with someone who’s values are diametrically opposed to mine? I think Trump is banking on the dividing this country, and am I falling into this paradigm because this is dividing someone who I have considered like my brother?

I always want my heart to be ready to do the right thing? i can’t be blind to the injustices that I am seeing everyday. These directly effect me, my family, people I love. This country, my future, the future of this world.

What do I do?

0 notes

kehideni · 6 years

Text

Gonna do this because i’m bored.

Original post: http://liaraliara.tumblr.com/post/140046142390/super-detailed-questions-about-your-ocs

1. What’s their full name? Why was that chosen? Does it mean anything?

Beasteye Denalien. He is of the Beast warband and as he is the hunter of his warband he chose Beasteye as his name. You know for... aiming and stuff...

2. Do they have any titles? How did they get them?

He has a lot but i chose “Veteran” for him canonically. It’s because he’s been a beastmaster for 20+ years with the Ash Legion and it’s rare to keep a job for that long.

3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory?

Well, he had a pretty normal childhood for a charr except for his mom died when he was 5 and the poor cub didn’t know how to process that or if he should process that at all so in his personal story his reaction to death is mostly hurt and confusion. He doesn’t know how to deal with death that is until Tybalt. When Tybalt dies in the personal story he learns how to mourn.

His favourite memory is of when his first pet- Raphael the red drake - hatched and thus started his career as a beastmaster.

His worst memory is... well, every death he witnessed. For a charr he is pretty sensitive, but he grew to be a pretty good actor too so you will not see him cry. The damage is completely inner-working. He remembers every face.

4. What is their relationship with their parents? What’s a good and bad memory with them? Did they know both parents?

He knew both of his parents, his mom was very strict but also very caring. Alas she’s dead and he doesn’t learn how to mourn till Tybalt. His relationship with his father is good, he helped Vallus escape.

His good memory with his mom is when she’d pet him on his back and sing to him till he fell asleep as a small cub.

With his father his favourite memory is when they were playing ball while Vallus fixed an Ash Legion tank’s wheel. (I actually drew a comic of that but i plan to digitalize it)

5. Do they have any siblings? What’s their names? What is their relationship with them? Has their relationship changed since they were kids to adults?

He was from a litter but for some reason one of his siblings was dead-born, and the other was so much of a runt that no matter how hard his mother tried the cub just died. If those two would have survived Denalien would now have a brother and a sister.

6. What were they like at school? Did they enjoy it? Did they finish? What level of higher education did they reach? What subjects did they enjoy? Which did they hate?

He was a very friendly cub at the fahrar but he got bullied for it so later on he became the silent type. He still likes making allies and bonds easily but he no longer initiates those friendships.

7. Did they have lots of friends as a child? Did they keep any of their childhood friends into adulthood?

His friends in the fahrar were the ones that later on became his warband. You know how that goes down.

8. Did they have pets as a child? Do they have pets as an adult? Do they like animals?

He is a beastmaster/hunter. :D He has his red drake Raphael. And yes he loves animals a lot.

9. Do animals like them? Do they get on well with animals?

Yes and yes.

10. Do they like children? Do children like them? Do they have or want any children? What would they be like as a parent? Or as a godparent/babysitter/ect?

Yes he likes children, and children like him too(think back to the Olmakhan). He never considered the topic though. He doesn’t know if he wants cubs. Maybe after the Tyria is safe from the Elder Dragons. He is already a parental figure for Braham, Taimi and even Aurene though.

11. Do they have any special diet requirements? Are they a vegetarian? Vegan? Have any allergies?

No. He eats whatever he wants.

12. What is their favourite food? Meat on a stick.

13. What is their least favourite food? I guess vegetables.

14. Do they have any specific memories of food/a restaurant/meal?

He had a drinking competition with Pirates, back with Tybalt.

15. Are they good at cooking? Do they enjoy it? What do others think of their cooking?

YES! That was the first profession i maxed with him.

16. Do they collect anything? What do they do with it? Where do they keep it?

Evon Gnashblade Actionfigures. He loves how he could sell it for 5gold/each whenever he wants. It makes him feel like he got an investment xD

17. Do they like to take photos? What do they like to take photos of? Selfies? What do they do with their photos? 18. What’s their favourite genre of: books, music, tv shows, films, video games and anything else 19. What’s their least favourite genres? 20. Do they like musicals? Music in general? What do they do when they’re favourite song comes?

He likes music of course. He would love to waltz sometime, but between one world ending dragon and the other there really isn’t time.

21. Do they have a temper? Are they patient? What are they like when they do lose their temper?

He is very patient but once angered he goes for the throat. There’s no getting away from him. (enemies)

When allies anger him for sh*ts and giggles he takes it. When it’s something like Caithe’s betrayal in HoT he is just heartbroken and sulks until A) like Caithe it turns out it was not intentional or B) it was intentional then the traitor is treated like an enemy.

22. What are their favourite insults to use? What do they insult people for? Or do they prefer to bitch behind someone’s back?

“Who are you and why are you breathing at me?” He doesn’t really insult he is more of the type of “ask stupid questions get a stupid answer”. He doesn’t do b**ing behind someone’s back.

23. Do they have a good memory? Short term or long term? Are they good with names? Or faces?

He does have a good memory.

24. What is their sleeping pattern like? Do they snore? What do they like to sleep on? A soft or hard mattress?

He sleeps too few hours because of stress, sadly yes they snore mostly because when he does sleep he passes out. He sleeps on whatever surface he passes out on :’D

25. What do they find funny? Do they have a good sense of humour? Are they funny themselves?

He loves sarcasm and silly puns.

26. How do they act when they’re happy? Do they sing? Dance? Hum? Or do they hide their emotions?

He is very vocal when he is happy. He laughs he cheers he roars he hums and sings sometimes too.

27. What makes them sad? Do they cry regularly? Do they cry openly or hide it? What are they like they are sad?

Misfortune makes him sad, deaths that are his faults and he doesn’t cry outwards. His soul cries but physically he just can’t. Except for the very last LW story... he just collapses and cries.

28. What is their biggest fear? What in general scares them? How do they act when they’re scared?

His biggest fear is that someone else will pay the ultimate price for his incompetence or weakness. That he gives all but it’s not enough, that the soldiers who follow him blindly into battle will once realise that he is nothing special, they were the ones raising him into power.(That’s what he thinks atleast, he doesn’t realise that what the Pact achieved so far are his victories)

29. What do they do when they find out someone else’s fear? Do they tease them? Or get very over protective?

He tries to be supportive, he is very understanding. Will try to help them through it rather than ridicule them. (Braham with spiders, anyone?)

30. Do they exercise? Regularly? Or only when forced? What do they act like pre-work out and post-work out?

He really doesn’t need to with his 24/7 combat activity.

31. Do they drink? What are they like drunk? What are they like hungover? How do they act when other people are drunk or hungover? Kind or teasing? 32. What do they dress like? What sorta shops do they buy clothes from? Do they wear the fashion that they like? What do they wear to sleep? Do they wear makeup? What’s their hair like?

He wears clothes out of materials he finds in his environments. Fur, bones, leather. His hair is all grown out because who has time for a haircut when you got a World to save?

33. What underwear do they wear? Boxers or briefs? Lacey? Comfy granny panties? 34. What is their body type? How tall are they? Do they like their body?

He is pretty big even for a charr. Well built and pretty tall(can’t really say measures) yes he likes his body.

35. What’s their guilty pleasure? What is their totally unguilty pleasure?

His guilty pleasure would be eating weird stuff, like toxin cured hogs x’D Unguilty pleasure is dancing it’s just that he doesn’t have time for that.

36. What are they good at? What hobbies do they like? Can they sing? He likes carving wood. He likes to dance and is pretty good at it too. He can sing but not that greatly. You know he can sing on his own speaking voice but not professional singing with higher and lower tones.

37. Do they like to read? Are they a fast or slow reader? Do they like poetry? Fictional or non fiction?

Doesn’t really like nor hate reading, they are pretty average readers. He hasn’t read that much to decide wether he likes poetry or not. Same with other literature.

38. What do they admire in others? What talents do they wish they had?

He really admires people who can truely sing.

39. Do they like letters? Or prefer emails/messaging? 40. Do they like energy drinks? Coffee? Sugary food? Or can they naturally stay awake and alert? 41. What’s their sexuality? What do they find attractive? Physically and mentally? What do they like/need in a relationship?

He never stopped to consider his sexuality nor did he ever find anyone THAT attractive. He also never thought about relationships that much. But from an outsider’s point of view i think he would need someone who trusts him but also is critical of him. Someone who would be an equal partner to him because as of right now he feels pretty alone even with Dragon’s Watch there to back him up.

The closest anyone has gotten to a role such as that is Caithe who was an equal parner in raising Aurene. She also trusts the commander and although we haven’t seen her being critical of him we have seen her NOT follow the commander blindly around.

(I... kinda ship Caithe with the commander. No, not my character but i mean the commander as the universal character(which means with my oc too but you get my point i hope))

I think the commander needs someone BY him not all these support BEHIND him. (Note how he told Braham that too in A Star to Guide Us) Welp i got sidetracked.

42. What are their goals? What would they sacrifice anything for? What is their secret ambition?

Well that’s an obvious one. “To make a world worth of his loved ones.”

43. Are they religious? What do they think of religion? What do they think of religious people? What do they think of non religious people? CHARR HAVE NO GODS!

44. What is their favourite season? Type of weather? Are they good in the cold or the heat? What weather do they complain in the most?

He prefers spring but as he is a furry little kitty cat person he is pretty good in all weather.

45. How do other people see them? Is it similar to how they see themselves? That’s hard to answer as there is someone who calls him a murderer for failing her husband in a mission and there are others who ask for his autograph on their greatsword.

46. Do they make a good first impression? Does their first impression reflect them accurately? How do they introduce themselves? 47. How do they act in a formal occasion? What do they think of black tie wear? Do they enjoy fancy parties and love to chit chat or loathe the whole event?

He doesn’t like fancy suits but if he must he bears with it. He can put on a font and chitchat but that’s mostly to spare himself from boredom.

48. Do they enjoy any parties? If so what kind? Do they organise the party or just turn up? How do they act? What if they didn’t want to go but were dragged along by a friend?

Honestly, he’d really just like to rest finally. Sit down by a fire at night and stare off into the dark distance. Finally letting his guard down knowing nothing bad will happen if he does it. And just... be with his own thoughts for a change.

49. What is their most valued object? Are they sentimental? Is there something they have to take everywhere with them?

He has a Tybalt plushie he got from Tybalt as a joke, and an Aurene mini. Both have a photo function, a visual reminder who they were and what they looked like.

50. If they could only take one bag of stuff somewhere with them: what would they pack? What do they consider their essentials?

Other than the sentimental stuff, i guess food and survival tools.

#Guild wars 2

0 notes

georgebenjiart · 6 years

Text

NANOWRIMO

Okay, so I only got 2,599 words. lol. This is a story that I’ve been working on and crafting for 3 years now, with the help of my older sibling who isn’t on tumblr. At one point I had 10k long novella written out for it. There’s also a 2nd 10k long novella from another character’s perspective as well. This is most likely going to be the first chapter, and I’m sorry that it’s really rough. This story doesn’t have a name, but at one point it was known as How I Lived, so I’ll be referring to it as HIL until I decide on something better.

HIL-

(if you’d prefer the google doc link to read it, dm me)

Words- 2599

Summary- A world where your chest glows a color when you’re near your soulmate, Heath, a boy who doesn’t believe in soulmates, or love, gets the biggest surprise. (note: only about half of this is in the story so far lmao)

Story:

My brother always tells me that waiting is even better than the reward, but to that I say bullshit. That’s all we do, right? We just sit back and wait. We wait until it’s time to talk to our friends, we wait until it’s time to go to sleep, to wake up, to go to work, to go home. Loops and endless waiting. My brother will die on a hill claiming that the wait is the best part. Personally, I think he’s just looking for an explanation as to why he hasn’t found his soulmate yet.

Like clockwork, Mel knocks on my door at six-forty-five that morning and I’m out the door, a quick goodbye to Onus and my backpack swinging onto my shoulder.

“Alright, spill. Jungle Blitz 4 demo, promising or no?” Last night we were up on a voice call waiting for leaks of the newest demo of the next game in our favorite video game series. Mel had to go to bed before the demo dropped.

“Depends. Do you like good games or not?”

“Oh God. That bad?”

“Think Kingsley has a kid.”

“So… good then?”

“Continue thinking, Lane is canon.”

“Holy shitting fuck. No.”

“Yes.”

Mel squeals a little bit and I know she’s going to be smiling about this for the rest of the day. “I can't believe the audacity of them to release the demo on the first day of school.”

“Oh, come one, it was world wide, they didn’t do it just to spite you.”

“You don’t know that, Heath.” Mel wiggles her finger at me and I can’t tell if she’s completely serious or not.

We continue our conversation as we make our way to school and as we pass through the student parking lot, a group of jock-ish seniors slow their conversation to glare at me. Mel just kind of glances my way and we don’t say anything about it.

“Alright, your first period is Mr. Long in room 105? Algebra 1?” I flip my hair out of my eyes and Mel laughs just a little bit.

“Get a haircut, and yeah. Well, yeah and no. Mr. Long in room 105, yeah. But it’s for Algebra 2.”

“How in the- That’s… I’m only in geometry you smart bitch.”

“Yeah! Remember, I was ahead of you in middle school too.”

“Yeah, yeah.” I walk her to her class and hug her goodbye. “Good luck, sorry you’re like ten minutes early.”

“Eh, it’s the first day, who cares?” Mel shrugs and her jackets make a sound.

As soon as Mel enters her class, the first bell rings and I head to the stairs. On my way up, I spot a very confused and short freshman gripping their class schedule.

“You need help finding your first period?” I’m afraid my voice scared the poor kid.

“My.. My brother said that he would… he would walk me to my first period.”

“Where is he?”

“I don’t… know.”

“I can help you in the meantime, can I walk you to you class?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Okay, coo. What’s your class?”

“Room 105.”

“Hey, I just walked my friend Mel there. She’s super nice, and a freshman like you.” I turn around and motion for them to follow me. “So what’s your name?” After a beat, “And pronouns.” They look very feminine, short bleached pigtails, blue tips, very big, bright blue eyes, a small button nose, and a thin pink jacket.

“Naomi.. And uh.. She/her.”

“Okay, cool. I’m Heath and I use he/him.” I smile at her, but she still looks like she’s ready to explode any second. “So what are you into? Do you play video games or anything?”

“Um… Kind of, not really.” We get to her class and I point at Mel, who is sitting at a table by herself.

“Go make sure Mel makes at least one friend, please.”

“Sure.. thing…” Naomi then rushes into the class, her tiny backpack bouncing with her.

When I finally get to my class, I choose a seat towards the back of the class, having not recognized any friendly faces in the crowd. My first four classes go by slowly, my teachers discuss silibi and give us “peer bonding” assignments to get to know the classmates we’ve known since freshman year. Lacking as that sounds, it’s still stressful and by the time I get to lunch, I’ve forgotten that Mel and I have the same lunch.

“Heath, I’ve been texting you. What the heck?” Mel sits down next to me, startling me from the astral plane my soul had traveled to.

“Oh, sorry, I was spacing out.” I check my phone, sure enough there’s five unread messages about lunch.

Then Naomi sits down next to Mel and gives me a little wave.

“Hey, you have lunch with us!” That gets a simple smile from Naomi. I pull a piece of bread from my backpack and begin to chow down.

“You cannot be serious.” Mel glares at me, her glasses slipping down her nose.

“What?” I ask, my mouth full.

“That’s your lunch?” Mel has pulled out a sandwich and soda can, while Naomi has a bag of chips and a salad.

“Yeah. I slept in this morning and Onus forgot to make me lunch.”

“Oh for christ’s sake, here,” Mel pulls out a second sandwich from her bag and hands it to me.

“Ohoho, thank you!” I kiss Mel’s hand begin to chow down a second time.

Just then, a loud bang sounds and we look over from our cafeteria table near the double doors, to see none other than Ronnie fucking Yule, their face pressed against the glass. “Let me in bro,” they mouth.

“Who’s that?” Mel asks.

“Ronnie, they’re in our discord server. You’ve talked to them before.” I open the door for then and they join us at our four-person table.

“My little brotato chips, what is cracking?” I can just feel the cringe radiating off of Naomi and I’d be lying if I said the only reason why I wasn’t cringing as well was because I love Ronnie with my entire fucking heart.

“Not much, just my bones.” And then I crack my neck.

“Oh, yucky. Hey, who’re you, you little carraromo?” Ronnie is talking more so at Naomi, rather than with her. That’s just a thing that they tend to do tho.

“I’m N-Naomi.”

“Sweet! Hey, so say you’re not just Naomi, but also a sister. Would you be having a brother who is on the football team?”

“Uh… Yes…?”

At this point in the conversation I’ve spaced out again and only really care about my sweet sandwich. I wait for lunch to end. Then I wait for the day to be over and I walk home with Mel.

I ask her if she plans on joining any clubs, she says no. I ask her what she thought of Naomi, she tells me Naomi is pretty cool so far. I ask her how her day went, apparently okay. I ask her if she wants to hang out at my house to play Jungle Blitz, she says yes.

My house isn’t much to look at, to be fair I’m surprised we still have it. It’s a mobile home, and a very homely one at that. It’s painted a perfect suburban beige on the outside, and a sickly sweet yellow on the inside. Our kitchen and livingroom are mostly connected, but there’s still a breakfast bar separating the two. We have fairly lights up in the living room year round because one reason or another when Onus and I were younger. The house always smells like either musty old books or whatever was most recently cooked, usually pancakes or spaghetti.

I sprawl out on the couch, Mel takes her place on the floor, leaning back on the couch, and she starts playing the third Jungle Blitz game. “I need one of the achievements still.” I fall in and out of sleep, watching Mel play. We hold a running commentary on events of the game, events which I am so well in tune with that I’m able to talk about them in my sleep apparently.

Mel leaves after a few hours, and I’m free to sort out the stack of silibi and other assorted papers I need my mom to sign. I leave them on the couch and I head to bed.

The next day of school is the first day of one of the three clubs I’m a part of (I know, social butterfly Heath), which is the first thing Onus informs me of when he hands me the stack of papers my mom signed sometime during the night. The next thing he tells me is that he’s made pancakes. I’m out of bed, ready for school and pounding my fists on the table within the next four minutes.

“Calm down, bro. I have a headache.” Onus serves me the pancakes and it takes everything in my not to eat the plate with the pancakes. “Didn’t put butter on-” I take a bite out of the stick of butter on the breakfast bar. “No. No, jesus christ, not this early in the morning you fucking gremlin.”

“Awugh c’mon O-nie,” I spit some crumbs his way and he rubs his temples.

“How old are you? Six or sixteen?”

“As if a six year old could be as funny as me.”

“Fucking Hell.”

“I have club today?”

“Chew your goddamn food. Yes, you have GSA today. Tomorrow you have DnD.” Onus reaches into his backpack haphazardly lain on the kitchen counter to pull out a textbook and a bunch of papers.

“What- that?” I swallow my food between words.

“Just some biomed bullshit. Doesn’t really matter.”

“Ah.” Just as he spreads his papers out to start working on them, there’s a knock at the door, and I’m stuffing my papers in my messenger bag and sprinting out the door, tugging shoes on as I run.

“Guess who got breakfast this morning!” I brag.

“You, for once?” Mel yawns and clearly would rather be in bed.

“Haha! Onus is the bestest brother in whole entire wide world ever!”

Mel yawns in agreement.

Similarly to yesterday, when we pass through the parking lot, the group of seniors hanging around some small sports-ish car all stare at us, mostly me, and glare. One of them laughs a little bit. When I glance over, usually I ignore them, I realize that I do, in fact, recognise most of them. The one laughing is Calvin James.

Calvin James sure is a character, or something like that. I’ve never spoken to him, but I’m certain he’s spoken about me. Not that his friends are horrible and the worst people in the whole world, but they sure don’t like any of the trans kids who go to school here. Including me. And probably Mel is they ever get close enough to her to know that.

“I need a haircut still,” I whine as we enter the school. Calvin James is the hottest guy I’ve ever seen. “This sucks!” I flip my hair out of my eyes and my glasses almost fly off my face.

“Get one then.”

“I need Onus to take me, but he’s busy with, like, adult stuff or some shit.” When we get to Mel’s class I walk in and sit with her at her table.

“Do you think my parents could take you?”

“Um… Maybe?” I think about this for a moment. “Wait- new topic, are you going to GSA today? Please say yes. You have to say yes or I’ll cry.”

“Bitch.”

“Fucker.” We makes hearts with our hands to really get the fact that we actually hate each other across.

While we’re having our chat, Naomi joins and we welcome her, there’s a brief exchange in which Mel agrees to go to the club after school today, only if Naomi goes too and Naomi agreed to because it beats just watching the football team practice while she waits for her brother to drive her home.

I only get a few complaints from teachers about the crumpled papers, it’s mostly just jokes though. At lunch, Ronnie joins us again.

“Heath, you need a snake?” Ronnie offers an applesauce cup to me and I oh so humbly accept it from them.

All but inhaling the applesauce, it’s gone sooner than anyone can start a new conversation. As I slam the empty applesauce cup onto the table, a group of preppy-adjacent freshman girls pass by us and sicker to each other, pointing at Naomi.

“I can beat them up for you,” I offer, wiping applesauce from my face.

“Haha, n… no. That’s not… needed.” I’m just now realizing that Naomi might not be stuttering from anxiety and she might actually just have a stutter.

“If you say so.” I shrug my shoulders and start a conversation with Ronnie about our Dungeons and Dragons characters, before moving on to talk about how GSA is meeting after school.

After lunch, my next three classes are boring and nothing particularly happens in them. At the end of the day, I head back to my art class where GSA meets.

“Hey Heath!” I’m greeted by Jae, who is in conversation with a freshman, who must me new this year.

“‘Sup.” I start moving some of the tables together so there’s a large table for about twelve people to sit around. “We’ll be starting soon, probably. Take your seats, please.” Jae and the freshman sit down at the other end of the table, soon Ronnie joins, then three small freshman, then Mel and Naomi. “Okay, we’ve got mostly everyone who will be showing up today, and it’s about time to start.” We start with check ins, which consists of stating your name and your pronouns?

“I’m Heath, this club’s president, and I use he/him pronouns.”

“Ronnie, I’m the vice president, they/them.”

“Mel, she/her.”

“Naomi, she/her.”

“Christian, he/him.” The freshman with Jae.

“Jae, the secretary, he/him and they/them.”

“Felicity, she/her.” One of the three freshmen.

“Alex, she/her.” The next freshman.

“Kali, she/her.” The last freshman.

“Okay, thanks for coming, everyone, today we’re just gonna set some stuff up for the rest of the year…”

The meeting goes well enough, the three freshmen mostly just whisper and giggle to each other, but other than that nothing goes wrong. I walk home with Mel after the club and I eat dry cereal out of the box as I do homework in the living room.

Mom doesn’t come back home that night, and I feel sorry about how many hours she’s currently working.

The next morning goes business as usual, except for the fact that I didn’t get any sleep at all. Onus arrives at the house, makes me a pancake, packs me a lunch and does does homework while I get ready for school. I leave the house with Mel, we walk through the school parking lot.

“School parking lot” is where things deviate from business as usual. As we’re walking by the regular group of jock-adjacent kids, they snicker at me and I turn to them.

“You’re just gonna do that everyday, huh?” I shout. The morning is bright, cool and the perfect time to throw some hands.

“Keep walking, girl,” one of the guys, a taller, lankier one, who isn’t even facing my direction just kind of shouts back out of the side of his mouth.

“Keep laughing, asshat.” I tiptoe my way towards them, and I can feel Mel plant herself in the pavement.

#GAB #gab writing #my wriring #nanowrimo #unfinished #novella #my writing

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news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog · 6 years

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17 of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson's best Instagram posts from 2018 so far

Though the happy corners of the internet are few and far between, if there's one place we've come to count on, it's Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's Instagram page. No, we are not joking.

Why? He posts great work-out videos! He fake feuds with Kevin Hart! He loves pancakes! The Rock's social media presence is an overwhelming source of fun and inspiration, and as of this publish date, he's uploaded more than 350 videos and photos in 2018 alone. (Yes, I counted.)

SEE ALSO: The Rock and 'SpongeBob' just had a glorious Twitter exchange

We thought we would do the world a favor and whittle down his 300+ posts to our favorites from 2018 so far. Don't pretend you aren't grateful.

17. One of many cute daddy-daughter moments

In da cuppp. After a very long and fatiguing day of work, the battle of wills between me and my baby, Jasmine Lia was just the mental therapy I needed. When she throws the cup and pretends to be sad... she’s rewriting the psychological chess game, that I thought I mastered. Think again daddy 🤯🤣

A post shared by therock (@therock) on Feb 1, 2018 at 1:11am PST

16. Highlighting the importance of CPR training

You hope there’s never an emergency where you never have to deploy the skill. Since we have another baby girl on the way - I wanted to make sure myself, my family and our staff took another choking prevention and CPR course on infants, children and adults. Highly recommend you guys do it, because never know what may happen and it’s always best to be ready. For the record, this baby is not real and not mine. My babies come out much browner. And cuter. #IOnlyMakeGirls 🤷🏾‍♂️💪🏾🌺

A post shared by therock (@therock) on Feb 26, 2018 at 9:17am PST

15. Raising money for charity

These are some good boys right here. Bright futures, well mannered and they’re already taller than @kevinhart4real. An amazing night for our @lafamilyhousing raising awareness and dollars to help families transition out of homelessness and poverty. I know what it’s like not having the security of a roof over your head.. these boys have gone thru it too. I’m proud of them and how they now want to give back to their community. Thank you to EVERYONE who attended. Powerful night. #LAFamilyHousing

A post shared by therock (@therock) on Apr 7, 2018 at 11:38am PDT

14. Charging $0.50 a pop for selfies with fans

Shooting a scene in Malibu for #Ballers and the smiling lady I have my arm around, unknowingly walked right thru my scene trying to take a picture of me. 😂🤙🏾 She was embarrassed so after the scene, I walked across the street and took a proper picture with her and her girls. I also charged these ladies .50 cents a piece for this selfie. Hey my love ain’t free. ❤️ A good day with some great fans. Thank you ladies for being so cool. #OnSet #Ballers #Malibu

A post shared by therock (@therock) on Jan 17, 2018 at 9:46am PST

13. Just some Lauren Hashian appreciation

I’ll handle this business 😉💪🏾 Mama @laurenhashianofficial has her hands full nursing/feeding Baby Tia, so I’m feedin’ mama her dinner. My pleasure. So much respect to her and all mamas out there holding it down and running things. Just landed and good to get all my girl’s settled in. Now, I gotta go satisfy my own appetite.. Iron Paradise, here I come. #EveryoneGetsFed #DaddysGottaGoToWork #ChivalryIsToughOnTheKnees

A post shared by therock (@therock) on Jun 10, 2018 at 3:53pm PDT

12. Nothing like a good #FlashbackFriday

FBF to when I was ready to “smash” everything in sight as the Incredible Hulk for Halloween, but then became sad because I had a f*cked up haircut. #HulkNoLike #ButHulkStillSmash

A post shared by therock (@therock) on Mar 1, 2018 at 9:53am PST

11. Celebrating International Women's Day

Girl power. To every woman out there ‘round the world - all ages and races - I proudly stand by your side to always honor, protect and respect. Especially, the loves of my life at home. Now if I can just get Jazzy to say the daddy is the most handsome, brilliant, sexiest man alive part, then we all gonna be cool. #MyAnchors #InternationalWomensDay

A post shared by therock (@therock) on Mar 8, 2018 at 6:55pm PST

10. Getting cuddly with an alligator

Gorillas weren’t the only animals I spent time with for my RAMPAGE research. Luckily, I’m a country boy who lives only a few miles from the swamps of the Florida Everglades. I do a lot of fishin’ and truckin’ down here and these gators are some of my favorite fresh water species. They’ve been rompin’ and chompin’ for 37 million years. Incredible animal.. especially once I’m able to calm ‘em, then I’m really able to appreciate up close. *Important legal disclaimer: If you come across a gator, don’t try doing this. You’ll lose a limb or something much worse. Call the Fish and Wildlife Commission or WorldStar. #LizzieLoves2RompAndChomp #ButDaddyDoes2 RAMPAGE WORLDWIDE APRIL 13th 🐊🦍🐺

A post shared by therock (@therock) on Apr 5, 2018 at 11:16am PDT

9. Taking time to surprise his die-hard teenage fans

It all started with a promposal to me from an awesome Minnesota high school student, Katie Kelzenberg. I couldn’t make her prom, but as a gift I bought out her local theater this past weekend for her and 232 of her closest friends to watch a screening of RAMPAGE. Plus, all the popcorn, candy and soda a teenager could ingest. I surprised her with the news over her schools speaker system during their morning announcements. Thanks for making my day Katie by asking me to your prom, glad you guys had a BLAST and thank you for being an amazing fan. And ps, if you ever decide to cheat on your tests - which of course you won’t because you’re brilliant... call me because I know all the tricks. DJ

A post shared by therock (@therock) on Apr 24, 2018 at 8:50am PDT

8. Words to live by: "Don’t cheat yourself, treat yourself"

Don’t cheat yourself, treat yourself. Mound of chocolate banana pancakes with the “fixin’s” on the side. Two great Netflix docs for the night, that I recommend: “Drug Lords” and “The Toys That Made Us”. #SundayGluttony

A post shared by therock (@therock) on Jan 21, 2018 at 11:07pm PST

7. Working out with John Krasinski

An honor to drop sweat and pain for #TheMurphChallenge. Thank you brother @johnkrasinski for the challenge. And most importantly, thank you to our men and women of our US military - past and present. And boundless gratitude to their families at home who endure it all as well. Great day of sweat, pain and a few miscounts in the #IronParadise 🤣💪🏾 #MurphChallenge #BloodSweatRespect #FirstTwoYouGive #LastOneYouEarn

A post shared by therock (@therock) on May 28, 2018 at 8:00pm PDT

6. Working out alone

We’re all in the same game, just different levels. Dealing with the same hell, just different devils. Great training sesh! Big thanks to the hard core Mutant Nation Gym, Shanghai 💪🏾 #NowINeedCarbs #WorldTour #RAMPAGE

A post shared by therock (@therock) on Apr 8, 2018 at 11:03am PDT

5. Rescuing birds

Had to take care of this lil’ guy this morning who I found on my porch struggling hard to fly. All his lil’ bird buddies were hanging around looking at him and making a crazy cacophony of loud bird chirps - either encouraging him to fly or... “hey boys looks like we’re having Keith for breakfast”. Humans do not get the same treatment if I find you on my porch.

A post shared by therock (@therock) on May 10, 2018 at 12:11pm PDT

4. A memorable Cardi B moment in the gym

Kickin’ the week off right. #LetsBleed #WestCoastIronParadise 💀

A post shared by therock (@therock) on Jan 22, 2018 at 11:20pm PST

3. Very rare sighting of a child-age Rock

Happy Father’s Day to this hardly ever smiling OG bad ass. Little boys by nature, look up to and idolize their old man. They want to be just like em, do whatever they do and are always looking for their approval. Funny thing is the day I stopped looking for that approval was the day I understood what it meant to be man and more importantly, a father. That shift lifted me to a new level of gratitude for the tough love he always gave. Years later as a man and father of three girls, I know that tough love, is a helluva lot better than no love at all. I’ll take it. It’s made me who I am today. Grateful to the original Rock. #HappyFathersDay #KingStache #RockyJohnson

A post shared by therock (@therock) on Jun 17, 2018 at 11:23am PDT

2. The Rock gets his Tom Hanks (a là Big) on

As a kid I had this dream of playing my favorite ragtime song, “The Entertainer” from Marvin Hamlisch on piano. But I truly sucked at piano. Until I started using my feet. And that’s why it’s called #TheSting 🎹👣 🎥 by my partner in rhyme and grind @laurenhashianofficial

A post shared by therock (@therock) on Jan 28, 2018 at 1:04pm PST

1. A pebble is born

Skin to skin. Our mana. Blessed and proud to bring another strong girl into this world. Tiana Gia Johnson came into this world like a force of nature and Mama @laurenhashianofficial labored and delivered like a true rockstar. I was raised and surrounded by strong, loving women all my life, but after participating in baby Tia’s delivery, it’s hard to express the new level of love, respect and admiration I have for @laurenhashianofficial and all mamas and women out there. Word to the wise gentlemen, it’s critical to be by your lady’s head when she’s delivering, being as supportive as you can.. holding hands, holding legs, whatever you can do. But, if you really want to understand the single most powerful and primal moment life will ever offer - watch your child being born. Its a life changer and the respect and admiration you have for a woman, will forever be boundless. And to my third and youngest daughter, Tiana Gia - like I did when your two older sisters Simone Alexandra and Jasmine Lia were born, you have my word, I’ll love, protect, guide and make ya laugh for the rest of my life. Your crazy dad has many responsibilities and wears many hats in this big ol’ world, but being your dad will always be the one I’m most proud to wear. Oh and one more thing.. you’re gonna love rollin’ in daddy’s pick up truck. #TianaGiaJohnson🌺 #3rdDaughter #BlessesAndGratefulMan #ImInTROUBLE

A post shared by therock (@therock) on Apr 23, 2018 at 10:52am PDT

Keep the content coming, Dwayne.

WATCH: What your receptionist says about your company culture

#_uuid:a7605017-ac37-3afb-a094-8d8348f144bc #_author:Martha Tesema #_lmsid:a0Vd000000DTrEpEAL #_revsp:news.mashable

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flicksnfilms · 6 years

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Avengers: Infinity War (2018)

As the Avengers and their allies have continued to protect the world from threats too large for any one hero to handle, a new danger has emerged from the cosmic shadows: Thanos. A despot of intergalactic infamy, his goal is to collect all six Infinity Stones, artifacts of unimaginable power, and use them to inflict his twisted will on all of reality. Everything the Avengers have fought for has led up to this moment - the fate of Earth and existence itself has never been more uncertain.

Director: Anthony Russo, Joe Russo Writer: Christopher Markus, Stephen McFeely (screenplay), Stan Lee, Jack Kirby (Marvel comics), Jim Starlin, George Pérez, Ron Lim (comic book story) Cast: fucking everybody IMDB | RottenTomatoes | Official Site

Watched: on 25 April, at the IMAX cinema, and 28 April, and 01 May

Reaction: ± Thanos demands my silence. I will say that i wasn’t half as prepared as i though i was. I'll edit this in like a week with my actual reaction since i assume by then it'll be far enough down any follower's (who hasn't watched - IN A WHOLE WEEK AFTER RELEASE!) dashboard to not be seen unless you're looking specifically at this blog.

Memorable aspect of the movie: + So many things. (Soon.)

Would I recommend it? > Fuck. Yes.

[EDIT:] So, reaction. After more than a month because i haven’t been on in a while, and under the cut because it’s hella long (like, super fucking long) and rambling in my geeky joy. :D It’s in 3 parts, from the three times i watched it.

[Take 1] ± It was an EXCELLENT, WELL BALANCED FILM. They have the Marvel Cinematic Universe formula down pat of comedy and drama, action and reaction. It’s so perfect and fun to watch. They were able to give the gigantic cast fairly equal screen time as well as balancing the personalities on screen. [See bonus content at the very end.]. That they split up the teams and threw them with other franchises was a great choice for both balance and dynamic. The visuals -- cinematography, CGI, costume, make up, set design --, as always, are a feast, with the coloration of the film striking a balance between all the different tones from each individual franchise.

[Take 2] Memorable [aspect] moments of the movie: + D: “I am Loki, Prince of Asgard... Odinson.” + XD “I’ll get you a metaphysical ham on rye.” + Doctor Strange and Tony’s interactions. It was interesting repartee and good chemistry. + Stark-raving Hazelnut and Hunka-Hulk-a Burning Love. I need to try these flavours, and also i need to know the flavours for every other Avenger. + <3 Tony brings the stupid flip phone around with him! AND there’s a message!! + XD “Squidward” + XD “Dude, you’re embarrassing me in front of the wizards.” + XD Bruce trying to beat Hulk out. + “Wong, you’re invited to my wedding.” + XD The singing. Mean faces. “Language. ... Ever since you got a little sap.” OMG. You GOT a little sap. Oh, puberty. “ XD “He is not a dude. You are a dude. He is a man. A handsome, muscular man.” “It’s like a pirate made a baby with an angel.” “God man.” + XD Mantis’s attack form. + XD Quill’s jealousy and mimicking. + “All words are made up words.” Well, that’s actually a good point. + “Is there a 4 digit code? A birthday perhaps” Thor’s really gotten into Midgard culture eh? (Which is a good carry over from Thor: Ragnarok.) + XD Rabbit. Tree. Morons. Ah, Thor’s nicknames. It’s fun, cause he doesn’t mean them maliciously and he says them with such regal diction that they feel kind of acceptable as nicknames. + The intro sequences for the rogue Avengers. STEVE!!! <3 And Sam! And Nat!! The whole fight sequence too! + D: “Where to, Cap?” “Home.” !!! (ESPECIALLY IF YOU REWATCH AGE OF ULTRON AND SEE HOW STEVE REACTS TO SAM SAYING “Home is home,” AT THE PARTY. TT_TT ) + “The kid watches more movies.” Well, that’s a good enough strategy. + “WHAT ARE THOSE??” The two teenagers use the same (meme) phrasing. + “Doctor. Do you concur?” + <3 “I’m not looking for forgiveness. And I’m way past asking permission. Earth just lost its best defender, so we’re here to fight. If you want to stand in our way, we’ll fight you too.” ICONIC. STEVEN FUCKING ROGERS, EVERYONE. + <3 The reunion greetings with Rhodey.” + XD “This is awkward.” + XD “It was an elective.” I NEED TO KNOW WHAT OTHER ELECTIVES THEY OFFERED ON ASGARD, PLEASE. + “I am Groot?” Evidently translates to: Are we there yet? The question of all kids in travelling vehicles everywhere. + D: “What more do I have to lose?” + Giant Peter Dinklage. So weird. + D: Quill and Gamora. + Quill actually got Thanos’s approval. So like, thanks, dad? Hahaha. + “We don’t trade lives.” + Nebula. What a badass. + XD “Blanket of death” + XD “Where is Gamora?” “Who is Gamora?” “Why is Gamora?” + “You’re from Earth?” “I’m from Missouri.” “Missouri is on Earth, dumbass.” + XD “Kick names. Take ass.” + Tony’s face. He’s so done with everyone. + Rhodey & Bruce. Ahh, what are friends for. XD + Steve & Bucky. Both of you are “hundred year old, semi-stable soldier”s. + Shuri! Wakanda! Man, i love this place. It’s great. + D: Gamora!! + “Get out of the way, Sammy.” SAMMY! + Thor jumping onto and then sitting on the pod. What a cutie. + “It’ll kill you.” “Not if I don’t die.” “Yes, that’s what killing you means.” + XD “Magic! More magic! Magic with a kick!” + Bucky & Rocket + “New haircut?” “I see you’ve copied my beard.” This is SO MUCH better knowing they ad-libbed it. + “This is my friend, Tree.” “I am Groot.” “I am Steve Rogers.” Of fucking course. Such a polite cutie pie, this guy. + XD Okoye’s reactions, and the “Why was she up there all this time?” + “She’s not alone.” FUCK YEAH. LET’S GO LADIES!! + “Oh, screw you, you big green asshole. I’ll do it myself.” Banner is super funny, situationally in this film. + “Tony Stark.” “You know me?” Hell yeah, you deserve to be acknowledged all over the universe, Tony. + The power of Doctor Strange and the mystic arts. SO COOL. + Tony ran out of nanoparticles! O_o + D: Wanda & Vision + “Steve?” TT___TT D: Bucky! Sam! My King! “Steady, Quill.” “I don’t wanna go!” TT__TT FEELS.

[Take 3] ± The familial hits get me more than the romantic ones. My reactions per viewing gave me three different experiences; It was personal, then intellectual, them empathic, in that order, for me. There are some moments i paid particular attention to, for a few characters:

Loki gets to come full circle with the “We have a Hulk,” line along with his redemption arc continuing on in from Thor: Ragnarok. Thor is an odd amalgamation of Shakespearean proper and slangy modern. “A little bit.” “So cool.” “I bid thee farewell and good luck, morons.” “Bye.”

The interplay between Tony and Strange. Excellent. It’s a real battle of egos at the beginning which turns to a mutual respect. Tony is a true leader. He intuits other people’s emotional reactions and attempts to keep them in line long enough to complete the goal.

A lot of shots in the Avengers compound are just Steve’s reactions. What bearing will this have? How does he feel about the cost?? Are they showing how tired he is from paying for his decisions?

The kid’s all heart. The first thing Peter does, once their plan goes awry, is try to save everyone even if he can’t remember their names. Okoye is a warrior to the core. She refuses to attach even these fuckers from behind. Bruce is such a goof and it shows now that he can’t disappear mid-scene. “Oh, you guys are so screwed!” And all the talking-to he gives Hulk.

Thanos’s voice really goes soft for Gamora, as a child, and the “I’m sorry, daughter.” “Tony Stark. ... You have my respect. I will wipe out half of humanity. I hope they remember you.” That’s amazing. The cost, the deterioration, is up to his arm and his neck. That’s an interesting detail which kind of implies that the Infinity Gauntlet (in the MCU at least) can only be used for something of this scale a few, if not only one, times.

I love that Marvel is really invested in antagonists that aren’t villains purely for the sake of being evil, but are fleshed out beings with emotions and purpose and passion, even if their goals are morally misguided. They have complex backstories and three dimensional personalities. Their goals are logical and intelligent, if a little beyond what’s reasonable. Their thought processes within the realm of imagination but a step too far for civilians and heroes.

The ending of this film is superb. I’ve seen many a peer say they think it’s too short or unresolved but i think they fail to appreciate the story. That sometimes the “good guys” don’t or can’t win (for now). That there are outcomes we’d rather not fathom and costs we’d rather not pay. But they happen. And the MCU gets this. That things happen and there’s a balance to it. There’s collateral and there’s gains and losses. And not just for the protagonist. (But for every character.)

Thanos achieved his goal, but at great personal cost. He won but lost all at once. Likewise, Killmonger achieved some of his goals but failed at others, died but did it with dignity in his eyes; Hela brought was released from her bonds and gained power but didn’t wind up ruling Asgard as it was swallowed by Ragnarok; Zemo sowed discord and ripped the Avengers apart from the inside, but was prevented from shooting himself and joining his family.

[BONUS:] In some of my movie reviews i talk about the characters and their stories in relation to Joseph Campbell’s Heroic Monomyth. And, i dunno, i suppose it my complete emotional roller coaster watching this film along with all the geek out moments, i completely missed its inclusion in this, given that the beginning of the monomyth takes place before the beginning of this film. I was delighted to find it pointed out to me in this post by The Screen Junkies - The Dailies Facebook. It’s a really good breakdown of the way the writers (maybe intentionally) incorporated the Heroic Monomyth in Infinity War despite it featuring like 7000 characters and all of Hollywood. :)

#films i watched in 2018

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eelgibbortech-blog · 7 years

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8 Ways to Make Old and Boring Topics Feel New and Exciting Again • Smart Blogger

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I get it.

You don’t want to be one of the millions of bloggers stuck in the land of sameness — indistinguishable as you parrot the same old advice everybody else does.

You want your voice to be heard, and you want it to feel vibrant, fresh and new.

But your blog topic feels threadbare, and you’ve got no bloody idea how to make it exciting again. Every angle has been rewritten, rehashed and reused. It bores you so much you’d rather poke your eye out with a stick of spaghetti than write another post.

So you search for answers on how to stand out.

But all you find is airy-fairy platitudes. Provide unique insights! Be interesting! Write in your own voice!

It’s all surface-level hoopla that lacks the substance and specifics you really need.

So I scoured the Internet in search of posts that felt new and exciting despite having well-trodden topics. And I unearthed a handful of practical tactics you could add to your repertoire.

Enough small talk. Let’s get into it …

Tactic #1: Turn Fluffy Concepts into Living, Breathing Characters

Procrastination. It’s a well-worn topic. It’s also a bit of an ethereal concept — untouchable, yet it touches us all.

But in this insanely viral post, Tim Urban skillfully brings procrastination to life by casting interesting characters to play the roles of emotions that live inside a procrastinator’s brain. See what I mean …

Mel Wicks also did it when she created the Imp to play the role of Imposter Syndrome — another fluffy concept.

I have a nagging voice inside my head that constantly reminds me of my unworthiness. It tells me to give up before I’m laughed off the Internet. That I’ll never compare to other writers — the real ones.

[…]

I call this voice the “Imp.” Her full name is Imposter Syndrome, and chances are you’ve already met. If you’ve ever had that dread of being outed as a fraud because you don’t stack up to other writers, you’ve experienced Imposter Syndrome, and you have an Imp of your own.

Doing this makes reading about fluffy concepts much more fun and interesting for the reader. You bring the topic to life, as readers can visualize these characters better than ideas that only exist inside our minds.

So if you write about a topic that only exists in the abstract plane, consider breathing some life into it. Think of crazy names for concepts or aspects of problems that your readers may face, and cast human or animal characters in their roles.

Your readers will love it.

Tactic #2: Make Your Readers Choose a Side

Trump or Clinton? Yankees or Red Sox? Ebooks or paperbacks?

You can’t help but choose a side. It’s a natural reaction, and it’s one that you as the writer can play to your advantage. It’ll create standout content for even the most dreary topics.

Devise contrasting sides or categories and compare them to spark your reader’s attention.

Like this:

There are two types of bloggers in this world — let’s call them Sameness and Fearless. Sameness writes posts that are as functional and beige as an L.L. Bean parka. Fearless reveals his deepest thoughts and dares to try new things — even though he may fail.

Take, for example, Elle Luna’s post, The Crossroads of Should and Must, in which she rockets interest levels to amazing heights by contrasting two paths we can choose to take. It’s a home run of a post that takes the well-trodden topic of “living life to the fullest” to an entirely new level.

And then we have the $2 Billion Wall Street Journal Sales Letter, which is one of the most successful sales letters ever written:

It begins by introducing two young men, painting a picture of their near-identical happy lives, then throws in a surprising contrast to generate curiosity and emotion that makes it impossible to stop reading.

Contrasting two sides like this can be both engaging and persuasive. Readers will be swept up by the comparisons, and they’ll find themselves agreeing with the side you want them to pick.

So next time you write about a dreary topic, consider presenting two opposite sides, and force the reader to choose one.

Tactic #3: Make Them Laugh So Loud They Wake Up People in China

Humor is the perfect way to flip the script on a humdrum blog topic. Oli Gardner proved this point beautifully in his highly entertaining post on landing page optimization.

His setup was gold and left no doubt in the reader’s mind that the post was going to be an interesting ride.

Landing pages rule. Blah. Homepages suck. Blah. Do some A/B testing. Blah. Base your optimization strategy on customer feedback. Blah.

All of those statements are true. But they sound boring and being boring is lame. It’s twenty fourteen and I refuse to be lame.

If you want to be a non-lame marketer, it’s really easy. Read this post, have a laugh, and treat everything I say as gospel.

And he certainly continued to deliver throughout the entire post.

The experienced adult readers amongst you might remember that “Shit. The condom broke!” moment. Yeah you do. You might also remember that it felt like a good time to run a test. #STDsArentFunny. Perhaps. But, as we go through this epic journey together today, I’ll show you exactly when and how you should really be testing.

But what if you’re not funny? Humor can’t be taught, right?

Not true.

Humor writing is a creative art, and, just like all creative arts, it has structure and formula. And all artistic endeavours are built on teachable skills and techniques. — Mark Shatz, Comedy Writing Secrets

Sure, some people seem to be born oozing raw comedic talent, but that doesn’t mean the rest of us are doomed. You’ll have to do the legwork, but it’ll be worth it. Many of the most successful and memorable blog posts ever written contain humor or quirkiness.

Here are two of the simpler humor writing tricks to get you started.

Humor Technique #1: The Rule of Threes

Simply put, you write three statements. The first two are the setup, and they establish a thought pattern. Then you add a third, incongruent idea, which is your main point or punchline. Like this:

Let me predict a few things that will happen in the next year. Jon Snow will unite the Seven Kingdoms and save the world. The day you wash and wax your new Honda will be the day it rains. And your inbox will clog up with so many deathly uninteresting posts that you’d rather stab your hand with a freshly sharpened pencil than read another one.

The rule of three is a classic joke structure that you’ll see used by many comedy writers. Here are a couple of examples by the pros so you can see it in action.

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts, and batteries for the remote control. — Diana Jordan

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. — Jon Stewart

When you die there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. When my father dies, he’ll see the light, make his way toward it, and then flip it off to save electricity. — Harland Williams

See how that works?

Humor Technique #2: Ridiculous Exaggeration

Exaggeration is an age-old trick used to emphasize importance and evoke strong emotions. It’s also a powerful way to inject humor into a post. You can embellish or stretch everyday truths, over- or understate distance or size, and express extreme or ridiculous emotions.

Geraldine DeRuiter’s side-splitting post I Went Paleo and Now I Hate Everything is a good example, as it’s riddled with exaggeration. Just check out these entertaining quotes:

Like most things in my life, I’ve jumped in headfirst without putting any thought or research into it (this is also how I ended up taking a workout class called “Insanity.” Afterwards, I was drooling and delirious. So I guess it delivered).

Parenthetically, I really should stop listening to people just because they’re attractive. If Jeff Goldblum told me to get a bowl haircut and rob a bank, I totally would.

The cookies look exactly the same before they are digested as after. They are eternal and unchanging. As time passes, they don’t decline in quality or taste because they can’t. They’ve already started out at theoretical zero on that scale.

Hilarious, right?

To do this yourself, begin with a common situation, such as having dismal site traffic. Then play with how it makes you feel, what it makes you want to do, etc. Here are a few I came up with:

Dive into a pit of Kleenex and cry like a baby.

Send a fire-breathing dragon to incinerate Google HQ.

Run away and live in an igloo for the rest of your life.

You get the idea.

So dust off that funny bone and give it a go. It’s a hoot.

Tactic #4: Give Data-Driven Answers to Compelling Questions

In his book, Contagious: Why Things Catch On, Jonah Berger reveals the results of a study of New York Times articles. He discovered that science articles that discuss research results are more likely to go viral because “they frequently chronicle innovations and discoveries” that evoke a feeling of awe in readers.

In other words, readers love data-driven content.

So instead of approaching your topic the same way as everyone else, perform an experiment or run a survey and share the results with your readers in a post.

That’s what Mark Manson did when he crowdsourced his article, The Ultimate Relationship Guide to End All Relationship Guides™.

Rather than share his own opinion, he ran a survey by the people in his audience who were happily married for 10+ years that asked for their best relationship advice. He then turned the most common answers into an article.

BuzzSumo took another approach. They analyzed 100 million headlines to find the commonalities that popular headlines share and the ones unpopular ones share. Lots of content has been written about writing headlines, but data-backed insights like these are hard to come by.

Of course, you may not have access to thousands of subscribers like Mark does, or to millions of headlines and their share counts, like BuzzSumo does, but that doesn’t mean you can’t create data-driven content.

You could run a survey through Facebook Groups or forums. There are plenty of communities online that you could tap into. And hey, you might just go out into the real world and survey people on the street. That works too!

Or you could run a small-scale experiment of your own. For example, if you write about social skills, you could try different conversation openers with strangers and track their responses, seeing which ones work best.

Or, you know, you could grab data and research results from studies that have already been conducted.

Creating data-driven content takes work, but the end result will be a fascinating post that will stand head and shoulders above the rest.

Tactic #5: Inject Your Post with a Healthy Dose of Attitude

There’s a powerful theme that appears in many wildly interesting posts — they all ooze head-flicking, hip-swaggering attitude.

They’re unmistakable because the writer totally embraces their irreverence. They’re written with wit and quirk. They’re unconventional, confrontational and bold. And they border on unreasonable as the writer dances on the edge of insult.

An undeniable strength and passion is woven through every word. There’s total conviction and unwavering commitment to the main idea.

David Wong nails it in his post, 5 Ways You’re Sabotaging Your Own Life (Without Knowing It):

What I hate about articles like this is that they’re always trying to guilt you into bettering yourself. “What are you doing sitting on your sofa eating ice cream, you lazy bag of Dorito farts! Get off your ass and go become the high-achieving superman you know you can be!” That pisses me off because I know exactly why I’m on the sofa eating ice cream. It’s because I’ve had a hard day and this makes me feel better, so fuck you. Even if what I’m doing is a frivolous waste of time, I’m doing it for a reason.

Johnny B. Truant also does it well in his post, The Universe Doesn’t Give a Flying F**k About You (I mean, that title alone …) His irreverent message of “You don’t matter” hits hard, yet he turns it into something inspirational.

That means that although what you do doesn’t matter to the universe, it should matter one hell of a lot to YOU.

In fact, it should matter to you more than it currently does. If you knew how small you are and how short a time you have to do what you can, you wouldn’t waste time watching five fucking hours of TV a day. You wouldn’t waste time doing a job you hate. You wouldn’t waste the little time you have dealing with assholes, feeling sorry for yourself, or being timid about the things you’d really like to do.

And let’s not forget Jon Morrow’s How to Be Smart in a World of Dumb Bloggers. He just flat-out calls his readers dumb and gets away with it.

Well, it’s not because you haven’t found the right traffic strategy. It’s not because you need to change your domain name. It’s not because the Google gods have turned against you and cursed you to wallow in anonymity forever.

It’s because you’re dumb.

And if you ever want a chance in hell of anyone listening to you, you’d better smarten up.

Any post you write with irreverence will stand head and shoulders above the masses. Nobody remembers a fence-sitting, white-bread boring post. They remember the hilarious rant in which the writer unleashes daggers of unspoken truth upon a popular idea or common situation. They remember the posts in which the writer says the things that everybody wishes they had the balls to say — but don’t.

Be willing to put your neck on the line. And be ready to piss a few people off along the way. You’re not a blogger to lull people to sleep. You’re a blogger because you’ve got amazing ideas that need to be heard.

Do this by kicking your emotions into a higher gear. Give yourself permission to write freely — not as you should, but as you want. Don’t be angry, be furious. Don’t be happy, be delirious. Don’t be annoyed, be completely pissed off.

Tactic #6: Snare Your Readers’ Attention with a Surprisingly Mismatched Tone

Let’s start by imagining that all your readers are Walking Dead zombies.

They’re stumbling through their days on autopilot, scrolling through their newsfeeds in a stupor. Your only hope is to shove something unexpected into their eyeballs and shock them back to the here and now.

Contrasting your tone with the topic is a fantastic way to inject interest into your post. You can:

Mismatch a story about disappointment with an appreciative tone.

Be annoyed by simplicity.

Find pleasure in the pain of something going wrong.

Write about something you hate as if you love it.

For example, like this …

Ahhhh, tax time. I’m truly astonished by the painful and grim stories of hate and loathing I hear in the weeks leading up to the financial year’s end. Why would any sane person hate a justified reason to never answer their cell phone and leave emails unopened, unanswered and unactioned for weeks on end? And then there’s the crazy-sweet pleasure of spending hours searching for that needle in the haystack of receipts — and then finding it. It sends me into excited fits of high-fiving anybody within a ten-foot radius.

And check out this hilarious post about the worry of thinking you have cancer. A topic that summons expectations of gravity and worry.

So This One Time I Thought I Had Breast Cancer—And the Doctor Was a Huge D*ck

So today I placed my boobs into a giant, hospital-grade George Foreman grill and held my breath as the nurse took the X-ray.

The headline piques interest, and the wry and unexpected tone of the opening sentence snares your attention and commits you to an irreversible free-fall until the end of the post.

Tactic #7: Predict the Future

The future is the devil we don’t know. And it’s cloaked in uncertainty.

Your readers desire for certainty about tomorrow is as guaranteed as day turns into night — and it can be used to your advantage.

Build your reader a safe haven of certainty by predicting the future as Jon did here by sharing his view on how to write great content in 2014.

There’s evidence everywhere to illustrate how not-so-interesting, written-to-death topics, such as content marketing, can continue to pull huge share counts every year by exposing trends for the immediate future.

Mike Blankenship also worked this tactic nicely in How to Write a Paragraph in 2017.

But what if you don’t know the future?

Remember that none of us do. Chances are, however, that you know the history of your niche (if you don’t, get researching), you’ve checked out your competition, and you have an opinion about how things are evolving.

So be bold. Write a future prediction that becomes a magnet for attention as it creates hope, generates discussion and encourages new ways of thinking for your reader. If you get it wrong, no one’s going to call you on it — it’ll just vanish into the fog of forgotten posts. (You can always delete it too.)

Tactic #8: Pepper Your Post with Quirky Visuals

You’ve probably heard that you should add visual content to your blog posts. And yes, adding infographics, screenshots or photographs can do a lot to liven up your posts… But you can also use visual content to add some whimsy and fun to your posts.

Several of the posts I’ve already featured as examples do this.

Take the aforementioned Medium post from Elle Luna, the Crossroads of Should and Must. She doesn’t just have her readers pick a side, her post is also full of line drawings like this:

The casual nature of these line drawings lifts the feeling from humdrum to fun and injects the post with an entertaining dose of personality and character. As soon as the reader scans the page, they instantly feel like they’re in for a treat.

Tim Urban also uses drawings in his post about procrastination (and every other post he writes).

Line drawings are a great way to move away from the dry formality of graphs and screenshots, but they’re not your only option.

If you don’t feel that artistic — though you don’t have to be that artistic to draw a stick figure — you can also use other quirky imagery, like memes, cartoons and funny pictures. These can be found on the web or easily created with tools like Canva and other meme generators.

If you look back on Geraldine de Ruiter’s I Went Paleo and Now I Hate Everything, she interchanges the expected photos of food with images and GIFs like these:

Dull topics are more likely to send your reader’s brain for a coffee break instead of paying full attention. Keep them riveted to their seats by entertaining them with unusual, surprising and vibrant visuals.

Time to Breathe New Life into Those Old and Boring Topics

No blog topic is too boring, too dull or too worn-out to ever be interesting again. It’s you, the writer, who has everything within you to make it interesting.

Because when you do, your voice will be heard and you’ll know you’re helping others as you share new ways of doing things, thinking, and approaching tasks, work or life.

Your posts will stand out from the masses of regurgitated ideas and cookie-cutter advice.

Your posts will open the doors of possibility for your readers, and let you shine brightly.

So which tactic are you going to try first? Pick one and start today.

Light up your blog topic with an explosion of freshness like only you can.

About the Author: Miranda Hill is a writer and coach who helps life-hungry souls get unstuck from the chaos of life. If you want to stop spinning your wheels, hopping from one thing to the next in search of answers, discover the 10 Mindset Secrets That Set Truly Successful Writers Apart and realize your full writing potential today.

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