#i genuinely mean i SENSED it i was literally telling everyone yesterday & earlier today in the headspace that new oz art would drop

[ozlices]

i sensed there was new oz art coming in my SOUL AND MOCHIJUN DELIVERED BC IM HER FAVORITE AND SHE WOULD NEVER LET ME DOUBT OR FORGET THAT FOR A SECOND LOOK AT MY BABNANA SCRUMPTIOUS WUMPTIOUS SCRUNGLE WUNGLE I LOVE MY SOOONNNNN

[normal-thoughts-official]

what are your thoughts about izzy and alec’s sibling bond from the scenes we got from the show

i liked their relationship a lot, actually. which is not to say that it was flawless, but the flaws we got to see were honestly some of what made me the most interested in them. and then of course sh dropped it like a hot potato, but like... it was still pretty interesting to me

disclaimer that this is my own Abused Kid™ stuff projecting for sure, but i still think the way i see their relationship makes sense (or well, i'm not sure if i would say my parents were abusive, but they are quite a lot like the lightwoods in their own way and i definitely consider the lightwoods abusers, so it doesn't really matter that much). so like this will probably feature a fair amount of oversharing lol

anyway! so what i find really interesting and really like about alec and izzy's relationship is that despite the fact that them having abuser parents who honestly put them in very specific "kid who always fucks up" vs "kid who is expected to do everything perfect" roles, they managed to still be friends and on each other's side and have an overall very loving and supporting relationship. i think that's what attracted me to their sibling bond the most, because for decades me and my brother didn't really manage to be close or build a relationship precisely because of those roles. in our case, my brother was the fuckup kid, i was the kid who had to always be perfect (in my case, lowkey to "compensate" for him) and it led to him resenting me and being all but afraid of me because everything i did seemed to be so much better than him in my parent's eyes, so... yeah

so it always struck me as pretty interesting that alec and izzy seemed to be genuinely so close. izzy is one of the few people who gets alec to smile and who gets to ever touch alec, and although they have a lot of differences, it always came down way more to teasing than to actual fighting between them

but also - which is partially why i said that their flaws were part of what drew me to them the most - the tensions that emerged from that abusive background were very much there, and i found that pretty interesting

another disclaimer that i tend to relate to alec more, because i was in the same role as him, but also tend to be very forgiving towards izzy because i see my brother in her and i blame myself for our relationship way more than him since he was the weakest link there lol. but also in part i think i project unto her in the sense that i kept trying to make things easier to my brother, but i kept fucking up because i didn't fully understand his situation, and i definitely think that's what went on with izzy and alec

so let's get into the details of how the whole "fuckup kid" vs "golden kid" (and disclaimer before ppl come yell at me again: i'm not saying that alec was treated well by his parents or that they treated him like he was good enough, because they definitely didn't. i'm saying that when compared to izzy he was considered the kid that had potential, that could be trusted, and who had the most amount of pressure put unto. again, that was how i was treated by my parents, so miss me with the "wow you think alec had it easy?" shit because i know damn well he did not lol. the "golden kid" is an abuse archetype and therefore it means you are abused. calm down) thing affected their relationship in particular

so alec was the eldest, and i think from very early on he latched unto the expectations his parents had for him as a way to protect himself and make sense of the world. i was telling autistic alec anon just today how i think that the fact that shadowhunter culture was so black and white and gave alec such a clear sense of what he was supposed to do and who he was supposed to be kind of helped him navigate the world because it made it easier for him to figure out the path to follow when everything else was just so confusing and the expectations were so crushing and everything he felt was so complicated. i think alec's always known that he didn't conform, and because he didn't have a safe outlet to let that out, he decided to just go by the book to protect himself. which is valid

that being said, i think the other half of the reason why he decided to pursue the "perfect shadowhunter" existence so hard was exactly because of izzy (and later jace and max). because again, alec is the eldest, and he was already being crushed by expectations of upholding the lightwood name and following the rules and whatnot. like, maryse and robert basically expected their kids to undo all the shit they had done when they joined the circle, and they didn't even tell them that that was the reason, so they were probably just taught that they should do what the lightwoods said because and that was that. and because there were all these stakes that they didn't even understand or know about, the pressure was harder

and alec was already being taught to be a leader, and he loved his sister, so he probably wanted to shield her from all the pressure of those expectations, because he knew he was out there fucking killing himself for it. so i think part of the reason he tried so hard to be perfect was because, if he was perfect, izzy (and then jace and max) would get to breathe a little bit. alec is pretty self sacrificial and definitely has a tendency to shoulder suffering in the place of ppl he loves, so i don't think that's far fetched. also, we saw how alec literally shouldered all the blame for jace's fuckups, despite the fact that jace did it all behind alec's back and with alec telling him not to do it (i'm saying jace because from what i remember what got alec punished in particular was something that jace and clary did, not izzy, but izzy was definitely also going against whatever alec told her to and i have no doubt that he would shoulder the blame for her as well, although i don't think she would use that against him, unlike some people. but i digress). but alec just allowed himself to be punished for it like it was on him, so i think it makes sense to believe that alec tried to take the brunt of their parents' pressure so izzy wouldn't have to

and the thing is that i think that izzy... never realized that. i mean, i'm sure she realized that alec was trying way too hard to be what their parents expected of her, but she never realized that she was part of the reason. and she tried to get him to rebel a little bit because she thought that he needed it, and i mean, she was right, but what she didn't realize is that the fact that alec didn't rebel was so she could. not that izzy was not facing consequences for her rebelling, because we saw how maryse treated her versus how she treated alec and jace (it's very interesting to me also how once jace came into the picture he became an actual golden kid, not a "golden kid" like the abused kid who is put as impossibly better than the other one but still never good enough, but actually good enough, and how that was used to put alec in that position where he had to work even harder as well. but that's for another post)

and that's the frustrating part (and i think the part i relate to izzy for the most) because i think she was genuinely trying to help? but she never really understood alec. i was also talking earlier today (or was it yesterday? rip my time blindness but it was definitely recent) about how many people seem to understand alec's coming out story as an internalized homophobia story, and how i don't think that's how it was at all. i don't wanna repeat myself so if anyone's interested in that it's here. and the thing is, i think izzy made the same mistake. she falsely assumed that alec didn't rebel because he genuinely internalized that being gay was bad and because he was lying to himself about it, but that wasn't the case at all. alec knew he was gay and accepted that, he just decided to stay in the closet and live life that way. which obviously is horrible and traumatic, but it's different, and because izzy couldn't tell the difference, she made it worse

izzy kept trying to make alec "accept" himself, but alec didn't really have a problem accepting himself; he just wanted to keep that a secret to protect himself. but because she thought that he was in denial, she kept trying to push him to... not exactly admit because i wouldn't say she was all like "alec just say it you'll feel better" but to maybe "face" it, and alec interpreted that as her demanding that he came out of the closet, which he couldn't do. so he kept closing off and she kept interpreting that as him being in denial, so she kept pushing, and she made things infinitely worse for him even if i am 100% sure her intentions were good (just look at how protective she was of alec and magnus during the beginning of their relationship, or how she tried to get maryse and robert to marry her off instead of alec, or the difference between how clary and jace talked about it - "you're in love with jace"; "this is about your feelings" - and how izzy talked about it - "alec, it's okay") but as we say in brazil, hell is filled to the brim with good intentions

that is not to say that izzy didn't go on that straight shit from time to time ("we all got our things, don't we?" comes to mind, but i gotta say it really pisses me off how everyone talks about izzy being homophobic in that scene and completely ignores how openly racist alec was. like obviously both are fucked up, but yall clearly seem to think only one of these is a problem. but that's for another post) but i think that generally her intentions were always to get alec to be more comfortable with himself/happier. she noticed how much the lightwood's expectations were crushing him, but again, she didn't realize that alec was choosing to take the brunt of these. she didn't realize that he couldn't rebel like she did because of her. not until it was too late

i think izzy only started to realize that - particularly how much of her rebelling was only allowed because alec was there as a safe option so they couldn't afford to have a "fuckup child" even if obviously they still hated that they couldn't control izzy - when she tried to get the lightwoods to marry her instead of alec and they were like... lol? it's alec who's supposed to save the lightwood name, not you. you are worthless as a bride and as a peace offering

and that's when it hit her that alec was taking a role, a role that he had been effectively protecting her from having to take, but that also meant she couldn't help him

i think that's when she realized, because you can see the change in her behavior, you know - "you stood by me, so now i'm standing by you, big brother". she understood that alec was trying to protect her the same way she had tried to protect him and never realized, but that by trying to get alec to just stop without thinking about what the greater picture was for him, she was just making things harder for him. i think that was some very interesting growth we got to see

and on the other hand alec didn't realize that izzy had been trying to protect him as well. like i think that she definitely laid the whole "fuckup kid" thing too thick, which was partially for herself, like, basically embracing the role because she would never be good enough for the lightwoods so why not just accept that she was a fuckup and be everything they despised? but i think she also partially did it for alec, because she wanted to show him that it was okay. that there could be a life that wasn't just doing what your parents expected you to. and like, sure, she got treated like shit for it, and she faced some forms of abuse that alec didn't (mainly touch/affection withdrawal from what we got to see in the show, but also considerable more verbal degrading. again im not saying alec had it easy, especially because we know that the parts where maryse expressed "pride" over him were basically used to make him do what she wanted; but still, the difference in treatment is very clear), but she was still standing, so it was possible, see?

i don't even think this is something i had to defend a lot because she said it so many times? she was always telling alec that he could loosen up, that it was okay (she said the exact words "it's okay" many times). she had a kinda, idk, sassy attitude over it, generally treating it like a joke, but imo that was because she knew that if she talked about it in all seriousness alec would shut down, like he had many times. so i think by making it into a joke and playing the mindless "woo i don't care about anything" character she was trying to have that conversation in a more subtle way. at the very least, alec was amused

and i think a huge part of the fandom also misinterprets izzy as being exactly that shallow person who only thought about immediate gratification that she pretended to be but honestly i don't see that at all? throughout all of season 1, the single thing that drove izzy's character was her desire to protect alec, except for when she tried to save meliorn from him, which was like.... just the decent thing to do. and izzy is not a shallow character. she is not stupid. and she is not primarily driven by her own desires. that is not to say that izzy was never selfish (see: how she treated raphael, so much shit about sizzy), but she is not the kind of character who only does whatever the fuck she wants to because it sounds more fun that's jace and clary. most of the time, her primary motivation was to help alec or clary, aka people that she loves. i think that, like alec, she is the kind that only extends that protectiveness over the people closest to her and is not really the "helping everyone out" type, but she is also not completely self-absorbed like she pretended to be. and i don't think she even cared all that much about parties and whatnot. like when did we see her going to one on her own without it being a mission? when did we see izzy actually pursuing one night stands? that is not to say that these things are bad, but if izzy were that girl who only cares about sleeping around and having fun like she pretended to be, then one would think we would see her actually doing that instead of just performing that shallow mindless sexy girl stereotype?

and like look i know that she was written to be a sexy lamp or whatever but if the writers aren't gonna care enough about her to make that consistent and show her doing that beyond what she says i might as well go there and give her the depth that she deserves. especially because we got to see izzy talk about that so much. like her saying that one of the things that attracted her to raphael was that for once in her life it didn't feel like everything was all about sex. i find it appalling that people genuinely think that that's all she's about when she made it so clear that it bothered her. like imo izzy took on that role, again, to piss off her parents, and also because it was something that she was good at. she was good at being sexy and she got gratification and positive feedback over that, which she was obviously starved for since her own mother wouldn't even fucking hug her. it was the one thing she didn't fuck up at and that got her to feel like she was treasured, even if really she was just desired

not just that but izzy also consistently made hard choices for those she loved? like im not gonna say that izzy going to save meliorn from torture was anything less than the bare minimum but if she were that shallow self centered persona that only wanted to have fun and didn't care about the consequences she wouldn't have put so much on jeopardy to save them. or risk being deruned and losing everything so she could call the clave out on their bullshit. or break up with meliorn (someone we know she genuinely liked) so she could offer herself to be married off to someone in alec's place. the one thing that we know izzy would be miserable over, because that woman was not born to be no one's trophy wife. and she was fully ready and willing to throw her WHOLE life away for alec. that would be FOREVER. miss me with that "izzy is a shallow girl who only cares about herself and partying" shit

like to me it's very clear that that was a front (especially because the way she talked about it was SO over the top too, like, it sounded so fake. and when we got scenes of her talking to alec or to clary she was a wholly different person, way less confident, way softer. honestly izzy could have been such a great narrative about woc and hypersexualization and the traps of taking over that "femme fatale" role as a form of empowerment or whatever, but of course sh doesn't have the range for that) and i think that front was first and foremost for alec's sake. she was trying to break him out of the lightwood's brainwashing. what she didn't realize was that he wasn't brainwashed, he was making a choice between the very bad options that he had. and alec in turn didn't realize that izzy acted the way she did, in great part, for him, not for herself. i wouldn't say that alec bought that izzy was a shallow girl because we know how much he loves her and that he knows her better than anyone, but i think he also didn't realize she was trying to help/protect him

so it was such an interesting miscommunication issue and i would have loved to see that actually addressed and worked on, but alas. the most we ever got was them talking about being honest to each other about the yin fen. and izzy pretty much didn't get real plotlines or character development anyway daoijdaoij except for the absolute bullcrap that was the yin fen which i am not going to get into because it makes me so angry and i hate it so much

and then of course sh didn't really get into it and basically considered the problem solved once alec came out, which i mean, i guess does take that out of the way when it was the main miscommunication problem between them, but still, they should have had a talk and realized what a stupid dance they were both having and how they would have both benefitted from working together instead of in the name of each other. which is a frequent trope for alec in relationships anyway, too, so it could be a good introduction to these issues, but alas!

in short: i think both alec and izzy love each other very much, have each other's best interests at heart, but weren't really seeing each other as they were. and they both put a front for each other (izzy in particular) that made communication pretty much impossible. and they ended up not being very good for each other (particularly izzy for alec, but i think alec also made her feel alone and like he saw her as.. just some stupid girl, you know?), but i loved to see how these things were there simultaneously. the wanting to help each other and the effectively only making things worse. the love that was so present and so strong despite all of that. the way that they never became competitive or resented each other like kids who are raised with those dynamics usually get. i just love how there was so much going on and so many problems but still so much love between them. i really wished we got to see it actually get some sort of closure and more exploration, but. fuck me i guess

[datleggy]

I’d Come For You (version 1)

Chapter One.

May doesn’t mention Buck to the cops, and her friends likewise keep their mouths shut about his involvement in the incident.

The three men Buck took on to protect them earlier are cuffed and in the back of two police vehicles, and none of them mention anything either, probably embarrassed to have had their asses handed to them by just one guy alone.

May spends the rest of her Friday night thinking about what happened at the mall that day. About how the men had cornered her and her two friends at the mall parking lot in a more secluded area. And how Buck, who she’d seen in passing, but hadn’t stopped to say hello, had rushed over to help as soon as he realized they were in trouble.

She touches her wrist where one of the three men had taken hold of her, just as Buck had told him in no uncertain terms to fuck off, before the fighting had begun. After the dust had settled and only Buck was left, somehow, miraculously standing, he’d turned to make sure they were all alright.

After confirming that none of them were hurt and someone from the small crowd that had gathered called 9-1-1, Buck had split, but not before asking May not to tell Bobby or Athena that he’d been there. She’d agreed then, too shocked to be anything but compliant at the time, but now, well past midnight, it’s what’s keeping her awake.

Why wouldn’t Buck want her mom and step dad to know? Buck had saved her, her and her friends! As far as she’s concerned, everyone should know. But the look of panic that had crossed his face when he’d begged her not to say a word, that’s what keeps her from telling anyone that night, and though she eventually falls asleep, it’s a restless slumber.

          ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

May and Harry help set up the yard for the BBQ they’re hosting the next day, though Harry notices how distracted his sister is throughout, and questions her, genuine worry on his face. May knows he still sometimes looks at her and thinks about the time she tried to end it all, and isn’t surprised by the concern; in fact, she’s a little touched, though she’ll never admit it out loud.

“I’m fine,” she says, then pauses and purses her lips. “Can I tell you something, and you have to pinky promise not to say anything? Not to mom or dad or even Bobby.”

Harry looks curious before turning serious. “I swear.” he holds out his pinky.

May smiles, wrapping her pinky around his and locking them together. She takes a deep breath. “So, at the mall yesterday, when I was out with Alisa and Quinn, these three creeps started harassing us in the parking lot, and one of them got kind of aggressive and he grabbed me--”

“Are you ok?!” Harry half-whispers, looking around to make sure no adult is in sight.

May nods, placing a hand on his shoulder to calm him down. “I’m fine, and it’s all because of Buck. He ran over and told them to leave us alone and when he tried to call the cops the jerk who grabbed me swung at him.”

Harry’s eyes go wide. “Is he ok? What happened? Didn’t you say there were three dudes?!”

May sighs, “I don’t know, he kicked ass and some rando called the cops and the assholes got arrested, but Buck left as soon as we were safe again, and he asked me not to say anything to anyone, but I’m worried.” she wraps her arms around herself, biting her lip. “Buck is strong and everything happened so fast, but I was there, I saw the fight, he took a lot of hits. What if he’s hurt really bad and he didn’t tell anyone?”

Harry shakes his head. “But why wouldn’t he say anything? He’s a hero! He saved you.”

May grimaces. “I think it’s because of that whole stupid lawsuit thing---which, for the record, I think he was in his right to file. I love Bobby, but he had no reason to keep Buck from his job. He was being overly cautious; and I get that, because well, Buck’s like a big brother to me, I never wanna’ see him get hurt, but that doesn’t mean Bobby was right to deny him when the board themselves agreed Buck was fine to do field work after passing that test.” she shakes her head, annoyed at the adults in her life.

Sometimes they made absolutely no sense.

Harry’s heard his mom and Bobby talk about it, about how Buck is back on the team, but Bobby still isn’t sure he should be out on calls with everyone. He doesn’t really understand, but it seems unfair to Buck, who Harry knows from hearing his mom speak of him over dinner sometimes, is always trying his best to prove himself.

Still, he tries to reassure May, bumping her hip gently. “Don’t worry, we’ll see Buck in a couple of hours at the barbecue. We can check on him then.”

May nods, a little reassured. “You’re right. Thanks Harry.”

One by one, or in pairs, the 118 arrive to the Nash-Grant household.

Though he’s a couple of years older than Christopher and Denny, Harry still has fun hanging out with the boys, especially because due to the age difference, the kids often follow his command when they play games.

May waits anxiously for Buck to show up, but about an hour into the get together she realizes he’s probably not coming, and she has a horrible sneaking suspicion that perhaps he wasn’t actually invited.

The adults are gathered near the grill, Bobby and Michael taking turns flipping burgers---both wearing silly ‘kiss the cook’ aprons Athena gifted them for Christmas last year, with Eddie, Chim and Hen nursing beers to the side.

“Hey, um, do any of you know when Buck is coming?” she asks, interrupting the flow of conversation among them.

Michael looks around, “That’s right, where is the big guy? He’s half the reason I went out and got all this meat.” he jokes.

Bobby makes a face, an ‘I’d really like to change the subject right now’ face, and sighs. “I thought it’d be less awkward if I just didn’t invite him today.” he admits. “Things are still kind of...tense, at work.”

Eddie snorts. “That’s putting it mildly.” he swigs back the rest of his beer, clearly annoyed.

Hen scratches the back of her head. “Yeah, things are...complicated between all of us at the moment.”

“Plus,” Eddie adds bitterly, “He’d probably rather spend his Saturday afternoon with that lawyer pal of his.”

Chim frowns. “C’mon guys, it’s been months, we really should give the guy a break, he went through a lot.”

Hen arches a brow. “Says the guy dating his sister. Look, I love Buck, but he’s gotta learn that doing dumb impulsive things that hurt the people he claims to love is not ok. This is what, his third or fourth ‘second chance’ the Cap’s given him since he started at the station?”

Eddie nods. “Exactly. Enough’s enough.”

Athena hears the conversation going and decides to join in, “We talkin’ about our boy genius over here?” she asks, sarcastically.

Michael shakes his head. “I think you’re all being a little rough on the poor kid, no?”

Athena shrugs. “He brings this kinda thing on himself, if you ask me. I love the boy, but he’s like a walking talking magnet for trouble.”

“You guys are being completely unfair!” May finally cuts in, almost shaking with indignation.

The adults all turn to her in surprise. “Now May, you know better than to raise your voice like that to--”

“Well I thought you were a better judge of character, but I guess we were both wrong!” she continues, as if her mother hadn’t ever uttered a word. “Buck is the only reason I’m even alive right now!” she blurts out in anger. May can’t stand one more person saying one more stupid untrue thing about Buck!

Michael’s the first to react, “I’m sorry, what did you just say? What are you talking about? What happened?”

May hates that she’s breaking her promise to Buck, but she hates what they’re saying about him even more, so she spills everything, telling the whole crew, plus her mom and dad about what happened the day before, how Buck literally swooped in and saved her and her friends from some serious creeps at the mall, how he made sure everyone was safe and sound, though he was clearly injured during the fight.

“Baby, why on earth didn’t you say anything last night?” Athena asks, worriedly checking May over for any possible hidden bumps or bruises on her person.

“I’m fine,” she insists, stepping back. “Buck begged me to keep his name out of it. I didn’t get why before, but after hearing you guys badmouth him while he’s not even here to defend himself, I can see why he wouldn’t think any of you would give a fu---”

“May!” Michael interrupts, eyes widening.

May folds her arms across her chest and heaves an aggravated sigh. “He probably knows you guys don’t care about him, so why bother!” she runs away after her outburst; she’s too angry to stay, she doesn’t know what else will come out of her mouth if she does.

Athena calls after her but she doesn’t stop, slamming the door to the patio behind her.

Michael grimaces. “I’ll go talk to her.” he says, looking at Bobby and Athena. “Maybe you guys should go talk to Buck. See if he’s ok.” he suggests. He’s always liked that kid, and had in fact agreed with Buck’s decision to sue the department at the time that he did.

Karen and Chim stay behind to watch the kids while Athena Bobby and the rest of the crew rush to Buck’s home.

          --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Perhaps sending four people to check up on Buck is overkill, Bobby starts to think, as they get out of the car. Surely if Buck was hurt in any grievous way yesterday he would have gone to the hospital, wouldn’t he?

Athena knocks on the door, her knuckles hard against the wooden surface. “Buck?” she calls, when a few too many seconds pass without a response. “His Jeep is still in the driveway, he’s gotta’ be home.”

Eddie scoots her and Bobby aside and digs out his copy of Buck’s house key, making everyone raise their eyebrows in surprise. Bobby knows the two men are close, but copy of each others house keys close? Huh.

Eddie opens the door and marches inside, calling out Buck’s name again. He’s quickly followed by Hen, Athena and the Captain.

There’s a bloody rag on the kitchen counter---it looks fresh.

He’s not upstairs in his bedroom, not in the kitchen or in the connecting living room either. Eddie dashes towards the bathroom and slams open the door without even a moments’ thought. “Buck!?”

Buck lets out a startled yip and nearly falls off the sink counter, midway through applying what looks to be some ointment across his side and lower hip, over some seriously alarming bruising.

Buck hastily removes his earphones and sets them atop his phone on the sink. “What the hell is going on?” he hops off the counter, wincing when he lands. “Why are you in my bathroom? All of you?”

He is very much neither ready, nor in the mood for guests right now. Buck snatches a towel to wrap around his waist, embarrassed to be seen in his underwear by Athena of all people.

But Athena isn’t focused on that at all, she can’t bring herself to look away from the spatter of nasty bruises running all across Buck’s chest, side and back---it almost looks like the poor kid got hit by a bus. “Buck, did you get those looked at by a doctor?” she asks, praying he did, but somehow already knowing the answer is a no.

Buck furrows his brows. “It’s nothing. I’m fine. Can you all please get out of my bathroom and let me get dressed?”

Hesitantly they do just that, giving Buck the space and privacy he needs. 

Buck comes out a few minutes later, now in a pair of sweatpants and a loose t-shirt that covers all of his injuries, except the split lip, of course. It’s still a little bloody, and Eddie’s pretty sure that’s where all the blood in the kitchen originated---or at least he hopes, since he didn’t see any other open wounds on Buck.

“So...what are you guys doing here?”

Bobby stares at him like he’s gone nuts. “Buck, you’re hurt, we need to get you to a hospital.”

Buck frowns. “I’m just bruised. It’s really not that bad.” He gulps. “How did you even know? Wait, is May ok?”

Athena cuts in. “Buck, she’s alright.” She looks at him, grateful beyond words. “Thanks to you. But now we need to make sure you’re going to be alright. You could have internal bleeding; those are some real nasty bruises you’ve got.”

Buck lets out a relieved breathe. He hated leaving May and her friends after everything, even knowing they were in good hands, so he’s happy to hear they’re alright. But this mess here is what he’d been trying to avoid in the first place. He turns to the Captain, “I’m fine, really. If this is about me not showing up to work on Monday you don’t have to worry, I’m fit for duty, I swear.” he tries to assure him.

Bobby shakes his head vehemently. “Is that what you think this visit is? Buck, I’m not here as your Captain, I’m here as someone who cares about you. How could you try to hide something like this from me? You should have told me as soon as it happened. I know things haven’t been great with all of us lately but we’re still family--”

"It's been almost five months since I came back and you haven't said a single thing to me that wasn't an order for me to do chores or to yell at me in front of everyone for even the smallest mistake.” Buck clenches his fists at his sides, incredulous. “For all I know Captain Nash, if I had come forward you would've just accused me of lying and trying to use May to get back into everybody's good graces.”

There’s a sharp pain in his side, but he chooses to ignore it. ���You wanted to teach me a lesson, well, lesson learned, I get it already. We aren’t family." Buck winces when the pain becomes shooting, wrapping an arm around his mid section.

“Buck! Buck?!”

Maybe he should have gone to the hospital, after all, he thinks fuzzily, as everyone around him starts to blur and suddenly it all fades to black.

[animemeg27]

I feel like I complain a lot about work on twitter so I’ma rant here for a change so I’m not so negative in one space, but honestly depending on how my work’s new owners deal with this situation, I’m genuinely considering looking for a new job next month..

I was just on the phone with one of the new owners and I actually broke down crying a bit...

lemme explain the situation

It’s a friday, it’s lunch time, it’s hot out, that morning a fight broke out between dogs because dog A wants to fence fight with dog B whenever he walks by, dog B is chill but will defend himself so he fence fights back. Dog C is in the same yard as Dog A and because dog A is reacting aggressively, dog C wants to join in and the only dog he can get to is dog A. All 3 dogs are of large strong breeds so obviously sometimes they can be a handful if they get out of control. Asshole coworker is in the yard with the fighting dogs and luckily had them on leash so he had them both at arms length and dragged them away from the fence. Doggy Day Kamp manager in my yard with dog B goes over to Asshole’s yard to help keep them two apart as the Asshole’s hand got bit and is bleeding. The dogs are never put away, but are kept on leash until they’re calm enough the Asshole finally goes to wash his hand. The Manager keeps the leash on the instigator, dog A, and soon the dogs in that yard are moved away into the backyard so they don’t see dog B and start another fight.

I personally don’t know why the hell dogs A and B were in yards next to each other when I’m pretty sure it was established awhile ago that dog A hates dog B. But the Asshole has a superiority/dog trainer complex when he is neither of those things so I wouldn’t put it past him if it was his idea.

Couple hours later Assistant manager comes in for her shift and hears about the fight. She tells the Asshole “hey next time put the dogs away when they fight so they can calm down” cuz ya know, that’s standard protocol. It’s dangerous to have em still out because the aggressive energy can build up again with other reactive dogs still in the yard that could still be anxious from the fight that just happened. A fight broke out literally a week prior and SHE had her hand bitten and that same dog C was involved and he was put away. That time all dogs were going after one in the yard and many of the dogs were ok in doing so because dog C was in on it and riling everyone up. Ya know what the asshole says? “that’s not gonna do anything they’re not children putting them in time out won’t teach them anything” completely ignoring her who’s been here at least as long as I have aka 7 years while he’s hardly been here more than half a year. Like um they ain’t human either they’re dogs aka animals so they can be kind of unpredictable when they are in such a reactive state. The assistant manager is just as sick of him as I am and scoffs but doesn’t have the energy to argue. The asshole had really been pissing her off lately by kind of bossing her around out of nowhere when the manager had been on vacation earlier in the month.

few hours later it’s lunch time, and this is where shit goes down... kinda literally. Asshole leaves for lunch. Or so I thought. We were in the same yard and he left through one of the side pens, but he found a missed pile of dog poop in there so he decides to pick it up himself. Ok whatever. He leaves the gate open a bit and a little dog slips through. he picks him up and puts him back in the main yard, I come over and close the gate over so he can hurry and pick up the poop and head to lunch. He tells me to leave it open because the dogs won’t learn anything if I close it. like dude it’s just poop, so I kept the gate shut. granted I didn’t say anything, but my logic was who the hell wants to spend and extra 5-10 minutes dealing with dogs trying to slip through a gate depending on which dogs come over just to pick up poop instead of wanting to head to lunch as soon as possible. So he says something along the lines of “what is wrong with you” or “what is your problem” to which I simply responded with “Just go to lunch, I’ll take care of it.” My patience with him was thin already but at this point it was just gone. This asshole is so obsessed with teaching dogs in general but also not to slip through gates that he always get so angry, or at least really annoyed and pissed off at me whenever I try to help holding dogs back, like I was taught to do, especially ones that are more difficult - ones that are strong or speedy and don’t sit still and take every opportunity to slip through the gate. like it’s understandable to try and teach them, but it can be a long process, especially with the more difficult ones. No one really has time for that when we’re busy or need to be someplace. In the end he just picked up the poop while I had the gate shut. When he left for lunch for real he said “I’d suggest you don’t get on my bad side” to which all I had to say to him was “really?????” like he hadn’t been on my bad side for at least the past 6 months. I can’t remember if he mumbled something under his breath but my last words to him as he left were “you’re not the manager”

now up until this point, I didn’t realize my heart was racing. like  “I’d suggest you don’t get on my bad side” like what the fuck is that supposed to mean???? Honestly he’s got such a shit personality I wouldn’t put it past him to actually do something threatening. So I put in a request from July onward to never work with him ever again. I never mentioned anything that happened because I had actually grown nervous of having him confronted and I wanted to wait for things to theoretically cool down before I said anything. I wrote a solid list of 10 reasons why I can’t stand him anymore if I was ever asked about my request in preparation.

Unknown to me at the time, the Assistant manager who had been in the next yard over had heard the threat he said to me and confronted him with one of the new owners about it and he actually got a serious scolding. So a couple days later when my request was received and the Kennel manager wanted to talk to me, I was surprised to learn they already knew the story and wanted to confirm that that was why I had made such a request as the kennel manager knew I’d never do something like that unless it was serious. We talked a bit and the owner that had scolded the ass was there and was reassuring me that they were on my side and even THEY didn’t really like him and there was talk of potentially firing him and the owner asked if I wanted an apology and I said “sure” but I doubt it would ever be serious or genuine and it’s not like I’d forgive him or be ok working with him again.

I was hoping he’d be fired, but unfortunately we’re only hiring teenagers with no work experience atm instead of people who know what they’re doing in the kennels or around dogs so if he were to be let go it’d be a while before he can be officially replaced. And the owners have made it clear as much as they don’t like him or his methods, there is a sense of a little more control in the day kamp yards. Anyway, because people’s shifts are all over the place it’s difficult to properly set aside a time to really discuss things. They’re trying their best to “knock him down a peg or two” to get him to better respect his coworkers and what not. I dunno how that’s going cuz I do my best to not engage with him and be in a separate yard as much as possible.

Anyway, it’s been like a week, it’s the last week of the scheduled month, next months schedule will be coming out in a day or so, and the other new owner called me to talk about how we’re gonna deal with next month. On monday we briefly talked... while the asshole was still in the other yard?? about the situation and whether or not I was comfortable talking with him to work things out so there’s no miscommunication because the assistant manager and the ass were I guess able to work something out. Whether or not he actually listens to her from now on would be interesting to see, but I’m standing my ground on the fact that I’m putting up with him for the last assigned week of the month, then I want nothing to do with him ever again. I gave a quick “no” to talking with him. The new owner said we can continue the talk about the situation the next day. Yesterday rolls around and obviously we’re busy and there’s no time for that.

So today the new owner called. Reiterating how much of an asset I am up in day kamp, and how much they still need the asshole, and if there’s any chance I might still work up there and talk it out with him. This is were I start tearing up and choking up. I told her “it’s just been slowly building up over the past several months and that was the last straw” and “sorry, no”. She reassured me she didn’t want to make me uncomfortable or upset or force me to do something I didn’t feel comfortable doing, and understood the ass was, well, an ass to me and had no respect for me or my other coworkers. She revealed that apparently the ass interpreted me holding the gate closed was an “act of disrespect” towards him when she understood that was ridiculous as she knew closing a gate so dogs don’t escape is what you’re supposed to do. as if and “act of disrespect” gives him the right to casually threaten someone. Like I don’t even care if he was having a bad day getting his hand bitten, you’re bringing that bs on yourself. She said he wants to apologize and I dunno how true that actually is or if he’s just been guilted into it, but again I said an apology would be nice but it won’t change the way I feel about him. Anyway she said she’d like to talk to me again tomorrow when I’m in work cuz I forgot to mention I had off today and that’s why I received a call, cuz by that time I’ve got tears and snot running down my face like a fool lol I’m glad it wasn’t in person.

But also I never told my parents about this and my work doesn’t have my cell number only my home number so it was my dad who answered and handed me the phone and I talked to the owner in my room so no one would hear. But with my face as it was it was clear I’d been crying, but I hadn’t scrubbed my face or gotten dressed yet so I took that as the perfect excuse to hide my red eyes before returning the phone downstairs and taking my own dog for a walk.

But yeah they really want me in day kamp. And I really don’t wanna work with the ass. and the ass only works in day kamp. There was a time where I actually almost prefered day kamp to kennel work, but since the ass was hired that’s quickly reversed. I want to be in the kennel. I’ll do the annoying chores I don’t care. I cannot be anywhere near him. I refuse. The tension and awkwardness is too great, I’ll be too stressed out in day kamp. If they put me in day kamp most of the month, or more than twice a week which even that is a bit of a stretch, I need to look for another job because I cannot do that any more. I really don’t want to leave because I more or less have job security here, they need me, but I cannot come to work and deal with this shit anymore.

we’ll just have to see how next month’s schedule turns out.. :/

[httyd2014]

Character Review of HTTYD 3

This is Part 1 of a two part movie review of How To Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World. Next up is the plot review. 

As of March 3, I've seen it four times. The first was the February 2 early showing, the second and third were on opening weekend in a regular AMC theater, and the fourth was in IMAX yesterday, which, like, I'm bothered by the fact that this third movie in the franchise only has limited IMAX screenings whereas the first two were released in all IMAX theaters, and released in 3D to boot. But anyway, character review:  (Also, spoilers abound, so only read this if you've seen it already)

He was at his BEST. That speech he gives to the Vikings in the great hall after Grimmel burns his house down gets more chilling and chilling with each viewing. Years ago when Dean Deblois was dropping hints over what to expect in the sequel, I got the impression that the arch of the trilogy would end with Hiccup's coronation as Chief at the end of the third. Instead, not only is he thrust into the role early thanks to Stoick's heartbreaking death, but we get to see him grow and struggle in the role of Chief, and I thought that character arch was pulled off sensationally. Although he takes after his mother's idealism in his attempts to save all innocent dragons from the hostile Trappers, he also embraces his father's lesson from the sequel that his first duty is to protect his people from harm and danger. His speech in the great hall encapsulates that beautifully with one powerful line after another. 

Hiccup is truly the leader of his people by the end of this movie, and not only that, but at least from my perspective, he's also imminently relatable. He genuinely struggles with himself and questions whether he's capable of doing what needs to be done as Grimmel and the legion of Trappers advance on New Berk. That lack of internal belief he carried around inside him as a scrawny 15 year old boy before he shot down the Night Fury is still there, six years later, as a handsome 21 year old chief. His internal struggle really showed his humanity, and in my opinion, it was Hiccup's journey that drove this third movie more than any other character, including Toothless. Which brings me to our beloved Night Fury:

Ok, so I must confess, I wasn't totally satisfied with how his character was portrayed. What made Toothless so amazingly endearing in the first one was how he struck such a PERFECT balance between being this fierce, ferocious beast on one hand, and being this adorable little puppy dog on the other hand. For the most part, he kept that balance in the sequel, particularly at the end when he challenges Drago's Bewildabeast and becomes the new Alpha of all dragons. In this one, however, I honestly didn't get the sense that Toothless truly was the "Unholy Offspring of Lightning and Death Itself" like the Viking legends said Night Furies were. Even during the above scene in the clouds where he does the Lightning Bolt thing and goes into stealth mode, it felt more like a cheap trick to impress Luna than a symbol of how utterly deadly he can be, and sure enough, he only uses it that one time to get those four Deathgrippers off his back. To me, all those puppy dog moments - of which there are MANY in this one - are less adorable because they aren't contrasted with enough moments of genuine fierceness. Simply put: I liked Toothless a lot more in the first and second movies than in the third one. 

That being said - and I'm going to repeat this in the plot review - the flaws in his character are made up for by the ending. He does the most human thing we've EVER seen him do when he literally gives Hiccup a big bear hug as they say good by. I put my hand over my mouth to control my emotions when I saw that! And then during the final scene where Hiccup visits him after 5 or 6 years, Toothless does a very animal like thing by failing to recognize Hiccup at first, which, as a big fan of the Jurassic World movies, reminded me of how the velociraptor Blue didn't recognize Owen after not seeing him for a year, thus putting Owen in a dangerous situation. But then as soon as Hiccup does the Forbidden Friendship thing, BOOM, Toothless's eyes widen like the sea, and he embraces his dear friend that he can't see every day anymore. To me, that was totally in character of who Toothless is as both a deadly Night Fury, but also the best friend a human could ask for. 

I'm gonna say this straight up: If Captain Marvel, or Star Wars, or Ghostbusters, or whoever, is going for the narrative of Strong, Female, Characters that do Strong, Female, Things, they already have an archetype that everyone loves, and her name is Astrid Hofferson. She is the true embodiment of a strong, female character, and I thought everything that made HTTYD fans love her in the first one was on display again in the third one. I was worried about this too, because in the trailers, it looked like Deblois might have been relying too heavily on the mythos of the first one, specifically the talk on the cliff, which from the trailers looked copied and pasted into the third one. However, it came off SO much better on film than it looked in the trailer, including one of my favorite lines from the entire franchise:

"But you know what? I am the person I am today because of you. And I have watched you doubt yourself every day ever since."

Astrid does what a good woman is supposed to do for her man: Be there for him when he falls down, comfort him with kind words, and remind him of who he is and what he can do. And she does all that in addition to being the warrior princess that Tuffnut correctly described her as. She fulfills the old saying, "behind every great man, stands a great woman." The talk on the cliff in this one is JUST AS GOOD as the same talk in the first one. It didn't come off as contrived or forced like I thought it would. Another favorite part of mine was during Hiccup's speech where she throws her axe on the table and demands that the Vikings hear out his plan to abandon Berk. She does that despite explicitly disagreeing with that plan earlier, which means that she was willing to stand by her man and her Chief even though she herself wasn't enthusiastic about the plan at first. Overall, I felt that the Hiccstrid relationship drove this story almost as much as the friendship between Hiccup and Toothless, and it did it without devolving into cliched romance.

She was good...at least when she had actual time onscreen (more on that in the plot review). I LOVED how she developed a relationship of sorts with her future daughter-in-law by encouraging Astrid to comfort Hiccup when he was doubting himself. I remember thinking to myself in the theater, "wow, Hiccup has two incredible women in his life! What a gift." I also liked how she automatically became an authority figure on Berk despite being gone for 20 years. She basically plays the role of General by scouting out Grimmel's advances towards New Berk and by bailing out Hiccup and the gang when Grimmel outfoxes Hiccup by trapping him on his ship. Between Valka, Eret, Astrid, and Gobber, it's really cool to see how Hiccup has a good leadership council behind him. 

Believe me, his character is SO much cooler if you've seen Game of Thrones. I can't emphasize enough how Kit Herrington's personality comes alive in Eret. In this one, my only complaint is that I wish we saw him more in combat fighting along side Gobber and Valka, although even as an adviser to Hiccup, he plays the role really well. A part of me wishes he gave Hiccup and Stoick more of a challenge when he was working for Drago in the 2nd one, because his knowledge of the world outside Berk is impressive, not to mention he's a natural leader, as he demonstrates during the speech in the great hall when he augments Hiccup's points. Whatever goofball traits he had in the sequel are gone in this one, and I liked that. Unfortunately, I can't say the same about...

Ugh. The teens could have disappeared entirely and it wouldn't have effected the plot at all (Grimmel would have found New Berk eventually. Ruffnut's stupidity simply allowed him to find it faster). There was absolutely no character development from any of them, and in Snotlout's case, he outright devolved. The primary reason I didn't think HTTYD 3 was an A+ movie is because the teens would not shut the hell up. I did NOT find most of their lines or antics funny, I found them distracting and annoying. These characters reached their apex in Gift of the Night Fury, and they never got better after that. 

Is Gobber. Good man, good leader, kind of paranoid. His shining moment in this franchise remains his eulogy during Stoick's funeral. In this one, you could tell that Deblois didn't really have anywhere to go with his character, so he added a subplot with the constantly appearing Hob Gobblers, which to me was what Legend of the Boneknapper should have looked like. One thing I do wish is that we saw one quick appearance of the Trolls alongside the Hob Gobblers on New Berk, as that would have been an amusing validation of his line to Stoick from the first one.

He gets two WONDERFUL flashbacks with Little Hiccup.* But, there's one error that was made during those flashbacks, and I apologize in advance to everyone who has already pointed it out: Stoick's beard should have looked scruffier and redder like it does in the first one when he's younger, as opposed to straight with grey spots like in the second when he's older. His beard is straight with grey spots during the flashbacks. Assuming that wasn't an oversight by Dreamworks, I'm guessing they did it that way because it was easier to animate. Which is understandable, but still, I'm a stickler for consistency. (The missing tree branch in front of Hiccup's face in the first one still jars me every time I see it).

*My gods, every animation studio from Dreamworks to Disney to Pixar has MASTERED the art of creating adorable children. It never ceases to amaze me

Ok, WOW, I loved him as a villain! He was everything Drago Bludvist wasn't: Cunning, crafty, smart, and above all, relatable. Grimmel is what Hiccup possibly WOULD have become if he stuck his knife into the downed Night Fury. Both of them are cerebral, and both of them play this delightful mind game where they try to anticipate each other's moves and countermoves, which Grimmel wins more often than not. As Gobber said to Hiccup, "one day, you're going to pick a fight you can't win." If Drago made Hiccup pay for his idealism by costing him his fathers life, than Grimmel makes Hiccup pay by costing him his Dragon-Human utopia. Grimmel's actions cause Hiccup to eventually accept the painful truth that humans living with dragons every day is not possible without resorting to war and death to keep that utopia a reality. When a villain can change things like that, then you have a damn good villain, and not just a guy who gets in the way periodically like Alvin and Dagur from the TV show. 

Additionally, I thought Grimmel was so much more personable than Drago. His talk to Hiccup in the house evoked the same feelings in me as the talk between Evelyn Deavor and Elastigirl in Incredibles 2, which is to say, I was relating to what BOTH of them were saying to each other. It was like the Light and Dark sides that exist inside all of us were speaking to each other. Whereas Drago was just pure evil and brute force, Grimmel was genuinely compelling and interesting. I would have liked Deblois to take a different story arch with this third film than just throwing another disposable villain in the mix, but as it is, Grimmel was a worthy character. 

In Summary

Hiccup and Astrid were spectacular, Toothless was very good but could have been better, Valka, Eret, and Gobber played their roles well, and Grimmel was an excellent bad guy. The only downside was the Teens. If their comic relief was cut, or if they were actual characters, this could have been an A+ movie from start to finish as opposed to A+ at the end and at specific parts in between (like the speech and the talks on the cliff).  

[kenneth-omega]

Tequila Sunrise **Gwilym Lee**

A/N: Ok the name is literally just because the reader works in a bar in a really warm climate, holiday-popular spot, but it seemed low-key witty at the time. But yeah, this is based off the cute photos of Gwil from Top End Wedding. The idea of Gwil on holiday is so cute. I’m just doing some drabble writing before I get to the requests.

□■□■□■□■□

-you've been working abroad for around 2 years now, having decided to ditch your everyday, 9 to 5 job.

-although you've flicked between working in bars to restaurants, you've always said you'd never go back to your old job and house.

-every morning you get to cycle to work from your cosy, little house, taking in the sights and the locals. before you begin your shift, mainly serving workers and tourists on holiday.

-one day you're behind the bar, sorting out glasses whilst there's a lull in customers, the ceiling fans whirring gently overhead.

-you don't hear a small group of people come in, until they're stood at the bar chatting amongst themselves. you serve them with a smile, always genuine, and make sure to give their order through to the kitchen.

-you're not sure if they're tourists or not, a mix of accents coming through when they speak, but you recognise one as British.

-a male, tall and seemingly very sweet. his brown hair is wavy and flops down over his forehead, until he pushes it off his face by placing his sunglasses on his head.

-he gives you a friendly smile as he and his friends move to a table, and you can't help but follow him with your eyes as he walks away.

-you continue your work, the shift going at its normal pace, a couple of regulars dropping in and a family of obvious tourists. you've gotten a knack now of being able to pick them out. around half an hour later, there's a little sound of someone clearing their throat, although not in an impatient way.

-when you look over your shoulder, you see the British guy from earlier stood at the bar, his fingers drumming on the wooden surface as if he were nervous.

"hello! do you need something?" you ask him politely, walking over from the other side of the bar to stand in front of him. he's a good head higher than you, but you're stood far enough away that you can look up at him without having to crane your neck.

-he scratches his chin, itching the dark beard he's sporting as he looks at the different lagers and ales you have on tap. as he makes his decision, you get a real look at his face for the first time. his eyes are kind, and a startling shade of ocean blue, with long feathery eyelashes. he has a prominent, thin nose and strong jawline too. not the kind of guy you're used to seeing around town.

-definitely a tourist, you think sadly to yourself. no chance of seeing him again after today.

-he makes his choice with a nervous laugh, mentioning how he doesn't really know what the alcohol is like over here. you promise him he will enjoy it, and that it's on good recommendation.

-when he asks who you mean, you hand him his drink and change, and with a cheeky smile, you say "me."

-this gets him to laugh, not nervous like before, but rather smoothly, as though he had finally relaxed. he returns back to his table of friends, and you don't miss the regretful little shake of his head when one of them asks him something.

-when they've finished their meals, the sun is beginning to set and outside you can see that everywhere is illuminated by its soft amber glow. they say goodbye to you as they exit, until only British guy is left. you really ought to stop calling him "British guy", you thought.

-he comes up to the bar to say goodbye, instead of as he walks out the door like his other friends did, and you find this to be quite endearing.

-"sorry, I just wanted to come and giving you something, for being a really nice waitress..." he begins, putting a money note on the bar top. you're not sure if he realises he just put a twenty down, and so you slide it back, refusing to accept such a big tip.

-he presses your hand down over the bill, his warm, soft hand covering yours and making your heart dance a little.

-"please--" he insists, gently turning your hand over and popping the money into your palm, closing your fingers around it with his other hand. "you're really lovely, and it was nice to be served by you." he rambles on, and you find your heart sinking a little as you realise that in a minute he's going to leave, and you'll never see him again.

-you give in and accept his money, thanking him endlessly for being so generous and gentlemanly. he simply waves it off and pops his sunglasses back on, heading towards the door.

-"wait--" you call after him, watching him pause and turn back to look at you. "I would like to know your name, since you've been so nice to me it would be quite rude of me to keep referring to you as British guy."

-it was a lame excuse, but you hoped he wouldn't look into it too much, as you really did want to know his name.

-his raised eyebrows relax as he gives you a full, almost flirtatious, grin. "I'm Gwil." he tells you, before leaving with a little wave.

-Gwil.

-you fall asleep later that night with his name on your mind and his image seared onto your eyelids.

-the next day at work seems to drag on, as you serve the same family from yesterday who have no doubt made the restaurant/bar their "local" for the holiday.

-it gets to about late afternoon and you're getting ready to finish your shift, happy that it's finally the weekend.

-you plan to visit the beach after work, having brought a little bag of clothes to change into.

-just as you're about to clock off, in walks a familiar group of people, and your heart soars as you spot a tall brunette amongst them.

-Gwilym walks straight up to you behind the bar and gives you a friendly wave. however you can't go over to serve him as your co-worker who just clocked in steps behind the bar.

-he catches you as you come out, stopping you from going into the back where your stuff is.

-"hi! did I just catch you finishing your shift?" Gwilym asks, a little worried as he hopes he isn't annoying you by stopping you from getting to leave.

-you nod, "yes I just got off, I'm about to head to the beach, catch some rays." you inform him, not wanting to sound as though you were trying to invite him along, although you definitely were.

-he looks over to his friends that are ordering drinks. "why don't you join us? we were thinking of going for a drink and then the beach until it gets dark."

-you don't want to seem too pleased, but also not hesitant, and so you nibble on your lip as you question whether or not it would be a good idea.

-Gwil senses your pause and shakes his head. "of course if you don't want to that's completely fine, I get it that you had your own plans."

-"I'd love to join you, Gwil. just let me get changed out of my uniform?" you point to the door and he nods, his face lighting up considerably at you accepting his offer.

-you leave him to go tell his friends about you tagging along and hope they won't mind. you change into your swimwear and then throw some cut off denim shorts and a plain tank top over the top.

-had you of known, you would have tried to touch up your makeup a little, but all you could do was redo your hair and freshen up with some perfume.

-you find them sat at the same table as yesterday and join them with a shy wave to the people you don't know.

-Gwil scoots over to let you sit beside him and then proceeds to introduce you to everyone. you tell them your name, to which Gwil realises he never even asked for it, silently grimacing over his bad manners.

-"you've only known her for a grand total of two days, and already you look like an idiot, good job Gwil."

- you listen to the conversation, learning that they're actors, and are currently filming over here. intrigued, you ask them about the film, learning the name and characters.

-Gwil seems to be playing a sweet, funny, if not a little clueless, fiancé to one of the women of the group. you catch him already looking at you when you turn to ask him something, and so you poke your tongue out at him playfully.

-he returns it with a funny face of his own.

-after the group have sunk a few drinks, you all head out for the beach, only a short walk away from the restaurant.

-the sun is lower, so you don't have to worry about the strong rays burning you, meaning you can take of your shorts and vest and sit on the sand.

-they've all brought towels and sun cream, factor 50 no doubt. you've naturally tanned over the past two years; your skin have a gorgeous golden glow to it.

-Gwil sits himself down beside you, having removed his shirt and flip flops. he's not overly buff, and is all soft tummy and curves, which you find adorable and more your kind of type. despite that, he still has broad shoulders and as he leans back on his elbows, you can see the muscles in his back and abs tense up.

-you sit and bask in the sun, talking to Gwil about anything that comes to mind, whilst you bury your feet further into the warm sand.

-you learn about where he was born, his family full of doctors and professionals, and his friends back home. no mention of a girlfriend you notice, and it does nothing to calm your slight nerves.

-"no girlfriend? fiancée?" you ask him, turning over and lying on your front, now facing further up the beach as you speak to Gwilym.

-having tried to not stare the entire time you've sat beside him in just your swimwear, Gwil finds it very hard not to glance at your cute ass, which is lightly dusted with sand. thank God for sunglasses, or else he would be screwed.

-"n-no." Gwil stammers, a little nervously. it doesn't go unnoticed by you, and you scoot a little closer to him.

-"ah, well that's a shame. you're quite a catch." you tell him, nibbling your lip as he turns onto his side to face you, leaning on one shoulder.

-"am I really?" he hums, pushing his sunglasses up onto the top of his head. you mirror him, propping yourself up on one arm as you face him with a coy smile.

-"very much so." you reply, very aware of the fact that his eyes keep flicking between your face and other aspects of your body.

-"would you--uh, like to go out sometime?" Gwil asks you, his tone uncertain but hopeful. you nibble on your lower lip as you tide over his question, excitement bubbling in your stomach at the prospect of Gwil being interested in you.

-they're currently in the middle of filming, according to one of Gwil's co-stars, and so they'll be sticking around for a few more months. one date wouldn't be such a heart-crushing thing, surely?

-"of course." you respond, watching as a relieved smile graces his face.

-"g-great! pick you up tomorrow? how's seven sound?"

-you couldn't help but find his nervous stammering adorable, and reach out to place a hand on his bicep, the muscle tensing under your touch.

-"seven will be great, Gwil."

[commentaryvorg]

Danganronpa V3 Commentary: Part 5.8

Be aware that this is not a blind playthrough! This will contain spoilers for the entire game, regardless of the part of the game I’m commenting on. A major focus of this commentary is to talk about all of the hints and foreshadowing of events that are going to happen and facts that are going to be revealed in the future of the story. It is emphatically not intended for someone experiencing the game for their first time.

Last time in chapter 5’s plotty part in which most of the plot is a lie, and the last time we see Kokichi alive outside of flashbacks, Kokichi did the literal direct opposite of what he would have hypothetically wanted out of the mercy kill plan, almost certainly did not need to have murdered two people to convince everyone he’s the mastermind, deflected his trust issues one last time for posterity, and him kidnapping Kaito was very definitely him making the stupid decision to use Kaito in his plan, because he can’t possibly think this is actually going to end anything at all. Meanwhile, everyone else despaired.

This time, more despair. And then maybe some hope… although calling it that will be debatable, really.

(I haven’t been putting content warnings on any of these posts because everyone reading should have seen the whole story and know what to expect, but this time I feel I should put a heads-up: there’s some pretty heavy suicidal thoughts coming up here, which I am going to be discussing at some length. Please take care of yourself if you need to. If you have to avoid it entirely, you can search for the words “Hope’s Peak” and just skip ahead to that part.)

Monokuma Theater has some philosophical musings about how people’s voices in telephone calls and flavours of shaved ice are technically fake.

Monokuma:  “Do you think these facts are lies? Do you deny that these facts are lies? Puhuhu. What would the world be like if all lies were denied outright? I bet it would be a very lonesome world. Lies are what make the world go ‘round.”

He sounds like Kokichi. But these are the kinds of lies that are essentially like fiction – as in, nobody is ever really trying to claim that they’re the truth, and even if you realise they’re lies then it doesn’t really matter because pretending they’re true makes things more convenient and/or fun anyway. Lies that are truly meant to deceive people are something of a different matter.

(Not that deliberately deceptive lies are necessarily always bad either; then there’s still the question of whether or not there’s any malice behind them, like Kaito talked about once before.)

Shuichi:  (There’s no reason… to keep living. There’s no reason to live. There’s no reason to live. There’s no reason to live. There’s no reason to live.)

Guh, Shuichi. This numb repetition really hammers home how broken he is. It’s heartbreaking but completely understandable that what he’s seen would make him start thinking this way.

Shuichi:  (This is an epilogue. All that’s left… is to take up time. …What a boring story.)

Yep, that’s there. I wonder if this is in-universely influenced, in that the characters were written in such a way that they’re slightly more liable to think of things in these terms, or if it’s just the out-universe writers dropping a hint even if it means making Shuichi think something he might not necessarily think. Or it could be a thing with Shuichi’s character in particular – his Likes in the report card are listed as “Novels”, so he’s apparently into fiction. That’s definitely something the out-universe writers gave him on purpose to be thematic, and it’ll be worth keeping in mind as we begin to approach the end here.

Shuichi:  (I wonder… what everyone else is doing…)

You’re still not quite alone, Shuichi! They’re a reason for you to live!

…But then his thoughts just drift back into hazy nothingness. The image of his room behind the text box is blurred out, suggesting that his eyes aren’t even properly focusing on anything.

“What everyone else is doing” probably amounts to much the same listless staring into space as he is. Well, at least for Himiko, and maybe Keebo too – you’d think Keebo’s inner voice would be yelling at him not to give up hope, but I guess that isn’t actually affecting him much right now. Maki is still being more proactive, though, and of course Tsumugi is fine and probably busy programming one bumper Flashback Light for tomorrow.

The next thing we get is the bell for nighttime again, which also really hammers home the fact that oh god, he’s just been lying there in despair all day. That’s pretty powerful.

At least, it’s powerful for us in the out-universe audience who simply realise that fact in a single moment without having actually sat through the whole day. However, the in-universe audience must have been really, really bored today. They supposedly love despair just as much as they love hope – and, sure, the moment when a character falls into despair makes a good story. But as it turns out, the despair itself, when that’s all there is and there’s no hope to fight against it and it’s not making anyone do anything worse because they don’t care anymore, is really kind of boring.

Shuichi:  (I wonder… what Kaito is doing…) “That’s right… I wonder if… Kaito is okay…? Is… he…?”

Shuichi’s vision comes back into focus as he has this thought, and it’s the only words he’s actually spoken all day. Worrying about Kaito is an important enough thought that it manages to spark some kind of life out of him! That’s also a reason to stay alive, Shuichi! Kaito might need you!

Shuichi:  (… It’s no use. My mind isn’t… working… And my body…)

…But this still isn’t enough. Depression will do that to you, making it difficult to get yourself to care about things you know you should care about. Shuichi isn’t usually depressed, just anxious, but it’s no wonder his brain’s messed up like this right now after what he saw yesterday.

(And it’d be hard for Shuichi to really latch onto the idea that Kaito could even need him in the first place. Kaito’s always fine, right? More fine than Shuichi, at least.)

Monokuma:  “Your life doesn’t need a meaning. It just needs a purpose. In other words, you just need something to live for.”

Here’s another Monokuma Theater quite relevant to the themes at hand. This is actually a philosophy I’ve always personally agreed with! Life has no inherent greater meaning, so you should just try to spend it doing whatever makes you happy (so long as it doesn’t make other people unhappy).

Monokuma:  “If you say Danganronpa is your reason to live, I couldn’t be happier.”

This is another nod to the in-universe audience and the idea that at least some of them, like the Makoto kid we’re going to see, really do see Danganronpa as their reason to live. It’s also still fairly relevant to me, since “whatever makes me happy” happens to include a lot of enjoying works of fiction that I’m into – hence this entire commentary. It won’t always be, but right now, Danganronpa V3 and the fun I’m having analysing it like this genuinely is one of the biggest things I’m living for.

Shuichi:  (I should… get up. Or I might not ever get up again. I… … I don’t care. If I… just kill my—)

*ding-dong!*

Maki’s visit is very well-timed. Hang in there, Shuichi. Not yet. There’s still things you can do.

This sprite of Shuichi’s is another thing that’s great for getting across how broken he is. Even though he did presumably get some sleep last night as well, he looks like he hasn’t slept in days. He also didn’t eat (or even drink?) anything yesterday, which can’t have helped.

Maki doesn’t bother telling him she found a Flashback Light; she just instructs him to take a shower and then come to the dining hall with everyone, and he does. Even in the depths of despair (or perhaps especially because he’s in despair), Shuichi is still the kind of person who’ll just do whatever someone tells him to do, if they tell him in an assertive enough way and he doesn’t have a reason not to.

On the way out of the dorms, if you examine Kaito’s door…

Shuichi:  (Is Kaito okay…?)

…Shuichi still manages to muster up a tiny bit of energy to worry about him. Aww.

Maki:  “…Everyone here looks terrible.”

Being the one who’s least in despair out of anyone here, Maki still has it in her to be concerned about how awfully everyone else is doing.

Tsumugi:  “What are we talking about?”

Himiko:  “We’re discussing how we wanna die, right?”

No, Himiko! Can’t you see the Flashback Light on the table? Maki did not call everyone here for a group suicide. It’s painful that that’s what her mind immediately goes to.

Himiko:  “I wanna go without suffering… Maki… can you do something about that?”

Maki:  “Sure… but before that, take a look at this.”

It’s also a bit much that Maki doesn’t even protest the request in and of itself, given that she isn’t suicidal right now. I have to assume that she’s only saying that because she’s imagining that whatever they see in the Flashback Light will change their minds, and so there’s no point arguing about it before they’ve seen it.

Himiko:  “Don’t stop me… I just wanna die. Tenko… probably wouldn’t be mad if I chose to die in this situation.”

It’s specifically Himiko who is this openly suicidal – the others also look equally down, and Shuichi was just about to think it earlier, but it seems none of them quite want to voice it out loud, except for Himiko. This makes a heartbreaking amount of sense when you consider that she was always depressed, and all of her efforts to fight back against that must seem so pointless right now. She’s even managed to convince herself that Tenko’s wish for her doesn’t apply any more… which, honestly, might be right, if this really were the truth.

Tsumugi:  “We don’t need to confirm anything… We saw… the outside world for ourselves…”

Tsumugi is apparently employing reverse psychology, since of course this is her Flashback Light and she very much wants them to see it.

Maki:  “Do you want to die… comfortably? I can help you, but…”

I love this turnaround of Maki’s catchphrase. Suddenly her specialisation in killing people painlessly is a way for her to help and be kind to her friends, at least if they do end up concluding that there’s nothing else to do but die.

Maki:  “If we’re going to die, then we might as well do anything we can. We’ll have no regrets that way.”

Yes, do anything we can, including watching this Flashback Light… and then also rescuing Kaito. Not doing that would definitely leave regrets.

Maki:  “Either way, there’s nothing for us to lose… We don’t have any hope left.”

We do. We have Kaito. If anyone could muster up optimism at a time like this and manage to find some kind of silver lining, some reason to keep going, it’d be him.

I can understand this not occurring to everyone else, because they’re so broken, but Maki is not in despair like the rest of them. She spent all of yesterday staking out the Exisal hangar and thinking of a way to rescue Kaito. I have to assume that she’s only not mentioning this because she’s hoping the Flashback Light will help everyone feel better first, and if that wasn’t going to work, then she would mention Kaito. Her words here have to be just an attempt to persuade everyone else that there’s no reason not to use the Flashback Light so that they’d do so.

Just… imagine if they did all commit suicide here, and then Kaito somehow managed to escape from the hangar on his own (or Kokichi let him go after realising that his plan was pointless now, good job Kokichi this would be almost entirely your fault), only for Kaito to come here and find all of his friends already dead. God, that would absolutely destroy him. You can’t do that to him, guys. You just can’t.

If the outside world really was as ruined as it looks and they really were the only people left alive, then group suicide would maybe be an understandable response to the apparent truth of their situation… but only if Kaito was there and agreed to it too. Like Kaito said, your life isn’t something you can decide to throw away on your own – it belongs to everyone who cares about you as well, which right now means the six of them. They cannot do this only as a group of five. Maki has to know this. I refuse to take an interpretation in which she is okay with putting Kaito through that pain.

Himiko:  “So when you kill me… will it be like I’m falling asleep?”

Himikooooo, don’t be so fixated on that! It probably would be (Maki is, after all, very good at her job), but you’ve got something else you need to do first!

Shuichi:  (Maki switched on the Flashback Light. And in that moment… The world— Flipped upside-down— Turned inside-out—)

This time, there’s a stronger description of how it feels than usual (usually he just says the world “warped” and that’s it). Fitting, since this is the biggest rewrite of their minds they’ve had other than the one which made them into who they are in the first place.

Finally there are different words in the background of the Flashback Light cutscene, about things such as Hope’s Peak, and the Tragedy. It would have been nice to have each chapter’s Flashback Light have different words appropriate to its content, but if they only had time to edit the scene once then this makes sense as the one they’d do it for.

Every time I get to this moment in the game where the Danganronpa 1 theme music starts playing, all I can think about is the fact that the anime adaptation’s version of that theme for its opening added some lyrics, the first two lines of which go: “Reality slips far away/Fiction comes alive, we start to play”. Which seems pretty damn appropriate right here. I get the sense that maybe the Danganronpa writers always kind of wanted to write a story like this.

So. All this Hope’s Peak stuff suddenly being part of the backstory when it was never even mentioned before is blatantly ridiculous. It’s pretty difficult to buy that they’d all forget something so major, but even if you accept that that’s possible with a mind-wipe, it still leaves us with the fact that everyone should have grown up in a post-apocalyptic, gradually-rebuilding society. They should at the very least remember that fact, since it would be integral to their backstories and upbringings that they still remember, even if they forget the exact reason for the apocalypse. Not one of them, not once at any point talking about their pasts, has given any kind of indication that they grew up in such a world.

So when I got to this part on my first time around, I raised an eyebrow or two. I basically accepted it anyway, with the thought that while this may be forced and arbitrary, if they really wanted this to suddenly be part of the Hope’s Peak universe as a big plot twist here then maybe there weren’t any better ways to do it, so sure, whatever, let’s go with this I guess. But no, turns out I was completely right to be sceptical and the forced arbitrariness of it is precisely the point.

Suddenly revealing a huge infodump about the backstory like this is honestly a pretty bad way to write a narrative. It can work, but only if all the details revealed really are intrinsically connected to parts of the story that the audience is already invested in, so that they now see those parts of the story in a new light. This is not that. Shuichi says they’re “connected”, but it’s actually a very tenuous connection. There was a whole other massive, interesting conflict that happened in the backstory… that really doesn’t matter at all because none of the characters who are part of this story took part in it, and then meteorites fell and everyone who was involved in that conflict is now dead for unrelated reasons. The only part properly connected to this story is that all of these students here were actually all part of the same school… but they were still in different classes and didn’t know each other, so that still doesn’t mean much. It only nominally matters because apparently this school is a rebuilt version of a school which was at the centre of that big backstory conflict… but, again, that big backstory conflict was something that these characters had no part in, so, so what?

This only works on any level because the audience of this story, both in-universe and out, is expected to be already invested in the events of the Hope’s Peak story and care about them for their own sake. But on the level of how relevant this is to these students here at the Ultimate Academy, this falls flat. Imagine if you played V3 while having not seen any other Danganronpa content at all. You’d be so bewildered, and probably really frustrated about why you were supposed to care about all this. This is making it seem like the Hope’s Peak story is suddenly more important and meant to matter more, even in the context of this story, than this story itself is. The in-universe writers are terrible at this, and the out-universe writers are doing this on purpose.

(If anyone who did play this game without knowing any other Danganronpa canon happens to be reading this, I’d be really, really interested to hear how you reacted to this part.)

I should also point out that, were this actually true, it would be the worst, most unfair way imaginable to treat the Hope’s Peak story. All those efforts the characters went to to finally get some vague semblance of a happy ending and a normal-ish life, and then suddenly rocks fall everybody dies? Everything ends in despair not because of some resurgence of the problems they had in the first place, but just by random chance? That is the most completely unsatisfying ending ever and anyone who cares about any of the surviving Hope’s Peak characters continuing to live on happily should not want this at all. It was a relief when I realised this was all a lie.

Shuichi:  (We were all attending the rebuilt Hope’s Peak Academy!)

Confession: I only watched some of the DR3 anime, losing interest halfway through when it clearly wasn’t going to deliver what I’d personally wanted from it. I didn’t see how things ended (and honestly don’t care enough to find out), but I gather that this part where Hope’s Peak was rebuilt is canon to how it ended. Which, to briefly make this a commentary about the Hope’s Peak story instead of about V3… is an extremely stupid decision? That whole messed-up culture – putting a handful of teenagers on a pedestal just because they happen to be talented in one particular area even though they are otherwise still flawed human beings, and in doing so implying that anyone who isn’t talented is worthless – is a big part of why the world ended in the first place. Why would anyone think it was a good idea to do that again?

Shuichi:  (We were the students that applied after learning Hope’s Peak was rebuilt. And the new Hope’s Peak was like the last, in that it accepted applications for talented students, and cultivated Ultimate talents…)

I assume that in the anime, it didn’t necessarily make it explicit whether the new Hope’s Peak still scouted people or not. Or it did, but V3 is nice enough to not assume that players have necessarily seen the anime. Because it somewhat sticks out how Shuichi goes out of his way here to say, oh by the way the original Hope’s Peak definitely also accepted applications, so that anyone who’s played DR1 (which is probably expected to be basically everyone playing this) will be able to realise that that’s off.

Shuichi:  (Hope’s Peak Academy was a large school, so we were all in separate classes…)

Really? Even accounting for them being spread between all three years, that’s at least six classes per year. Didn’t the original one only have one class of talented students per year? Seems a bit of a sudden increase in size, especially when it’s drawing from a significantly reduced post-apocalyptic population. It would have made more sense (and given a little more narrative meaning to this reveal) to have them remember that some of them were in the same classes and had known each other beforehand. Maybe Tsumugi didn’t do that because fake past interactions and friendships between these characters would take a lot of effort to write, and she was in a hurry.

Shuichi:  (But… we just happened to be immune to the virus…)

If they could find sixteen students (well, fourteen and a half, plus a robot) who were immune to the virus within the presumably only a few hundred students at the academy, that’s… actually a pretty high immunity rate. There should be several thousands, maybe even millions, more humans outside the academy who were also immune to the virus. And the Gofer Project just… left them behind because they weren’t talented? Geez.

In fact, that’d be enough humans that, if they all managed to band together and co-operate, which is precisely what humans do in dire times like this, they might have been able to put together some sort of underground shelter and air purifying system to protect themselves from the rest of the meteorites making the world uninhabitable. It’s entirely possible, even if what everyone saw outside were actually the truth, that there still could be some surviving remnants of humanity somewhere on the planet. The in-universe narrative never tries to suggest this, though. It’s not even one of the options for the Flashback Light about “the survivors” that Tsumugi would presumably have made next chapter if things had stayed on script.

Shuichi:  (That world… This world… It’s all connected!)

The way they’re talked about here as if they’re separate worlds should also raise eyebrows. That really is how the person who programmed the Flashback Light thinks of them, after all.

Here’s New World Order, that dramatic BGM piece from the Hope’s Peak games. This is actually not the first time it’s heard in V3 – for some reason they also put it in those bits that lead into the class trials starting. Which kind of dampens this moment a little, since it would be very appropriate if this here was the first time we’d heard it all game.

Tsumugi:  “Why… How could we forget something so important.”

I don’t know, Tsumugi, how could they have forgotten something which should be so central to their understanding of the world they grew up in?

Maki:  “Kokichi Oma… the mastermind behind this killing game… his organization’s real identity… They were the Remnants of Despair.”

Shuichi:  “That’s right. The cult organization out to destroy the Gofer Project. If Kokichi is the leader, that means he controls the Remnants of Despair.”

This part is inconveniently vague about whether or not they explicitly remember that Kokichi was a Remnant of Despair. Maki makes it sound more like she remembers that, wheras Shuichi makes it sound like he’s only deducing that based on what Kokichi claimed and the fact that they now know that organisation he talked about must have been the Remnants.

Later lines make it clearer that they are very much supposed to have remembered Kokichi being a Remnant of Despair. This then helps call into question the validity of their memories once it becomes clear Kokichi wasn’t actually the mastermind. But I’ve seen a lot of first time players remain under the impression that the characters didn’t explicitly remember that, meaning that once Kokichi’s lie is uncovered, they no longer think that him being a Remnant is still somehow supposed to be the “truth” and so don’t get that hint towards the truth being a lie.

Time for a brief complete tangent! While Himiko is narrating to us that this killing game is just like the previous ones, we see the shot of the V3 cast’s reactions to the announcement of the killing game at the beginning… except that this is the first time we see this shot without Monokuma and his cubs blocking most of it off. So, I didn’t talk about this way back at the beginning when it happened because you couldn’t see it then, but…

…look at this face Kaito was making. And his body language. In that moment right as everything began, before he had any time to think about putting up a façade and when everyone was focused on Monokuma and not paying attention to him anyway, Kaito looked freaking terrified. That’s always how he’s felt about this beneath the stubborn optimism and the encouraging grins.

Also of note is Maki’s fierceness. Such child caregiver right there.

…And I guess it is also relevant to mention that Kokichi looked pretty nervous and not remotely excited about this either.

Back to the present, Maki wonders why Kokichi gave up on this killing game if he’s such a fan of despair, and the others argue that he was copying Junko and just got bored of his plan like she often did.

Maki:  “…”

Shuichi:  “…What’s wrong, Maki?”

Maki:  “Nothing… I’m just not convinced… It’s probably… fine, though. It’s not a big deal.”

Since Maki isn’t convinced Kokichi will just end things this easily (but she is utterly convinced by now that he’s a dangerous evil mastermind who wants to hurt them), this is most likely the point at which she starts thinking about killing him, so that he won’t be able to continue this and keep hurting anyone. But she tells everyone it’s not a big deal to drop the subject because she knows they would try to talk her out of it.

Shuichi:  “…Are you sure?”

Tsumugi:  “We finally learned the truth, but we still can’t do anything…”

Shuichi still doesn’t seem convinced… but then Tsumugi is the one to just move the conversation on and ensure he disregards Maki’s suspicious behaviour. That may well be on purpose.

Himiko:  “Even if we get out of this academy, the outside world is still destroyed. There’s… no hope left for us.”

I’m glad that at least someone here is somewhat aware of this. This huge backstory dump is basically meaningless because it doesn’t change anything about the reason they’re in despair. Everyone is still dead. The fact that we now know a little bit more about everyone who died and what they all fought for does not change that fact. Nothing about what they just learned implied that there are any other survivors.

Keebo:  “No! We just need to become that hope!”

But of course, Keebo’s inner voice must be going nuts right about now with rampant genwunnerism. This Flashback Light is making it out like we’re suddenly supposed to care about the Hope’s Peak story more than this story right here… and apparently, most of the outside world does feel that way.

Keebo:  “After all, we’re students of Hope’s Peak Academy, aren’t we!? We’re all that’s left of the 16 who survived the battle between hope and despair! If we give up now, everyone who fought on the side of hope will have fought for nothing!”

They already did fight for nothing. Everyone is dead. The Gofer Project failed. The only way in which these kids can still salvage something good from this is if they somehow manage to restart the spaceship and make it to an inhabitable planet anyway to continue the human race, but that’s not what anyone ever talks about doing and therefore not what Keebo means by “hope” here.

Remember how I mentioned a few times before that Danganronpa usually likes to throw around the words “hope” and “despair” so much that it forgets their real meanings? This is the part in which Danganronpa V3 starts doing that too – but in this case, I at least like to think that, again, this is exactly the point.

Maki:  “Fought for… nothing…”

Noooo Keebo you’re making Maki feel like she has to murder Kokichi for the sake of a meaningless buzzword-y “hope”, which is exactly what the real mastermind wants!

Keebo:  “Because as long as we’re alive, we still have the power to decide that meaning for ourselves… That’s what I believe hope is!”

Tsumugi:  “That’s what hope is… I see… Yeah, you’re right…”

No, it isn’t. Deciding there’s meaning in your life is connected to hope, because you generally need to feel hope to be able to do that, but that’s not what the word means.

Hope simply means the ability to believe that something you want to happen will happen even though it’s uncertain. It’s actually a pretty simple word that does not have all these deep loaded meanings that Danganronpa has insistently given it over the years.

Tsumugi:  “If we – the students of Hope’s Peak – give up, the world really will be plunged into despair!”

The world already has been plunged into despair! Everyone is still dead! Hope’s Peak worked as a “symbol of hope” (at least in theory) because all those talented kids inspired the rest of the world to feel like the things they want could happen, too. But the rest of the world is now dead. Dead people cannot hope. These seven surviving students can no longer inspire anyone else to feel anything. There’s no point in a luminary that has nothing to illuminate.

(Consider: the character in this story who is the single best epitome of the word “hope”, both in terms of always having it himself and in terms of being able to inspire others to have it too, is Kaito. And the game never uses the word “hope” to talk about him, not once. It doesn’t need to in order to get across how he is, and if it did, then the meaningless buzzword-y effect that that word has come to have in Danganronpa by now would probably lessen the impact Kaito is meant to have.)

Tsumugi:  “In the end, it’s all about willpower! I’m gonna live till the end and never give up!”

Never give up on what? “Hope” requires that there is a specific thing that you are believing will happen despite the odds. What exactly are you hoping for? Nothing! There is nothing to hope for!

Himiko:  “But making the impossible possible is what magic is all about!”

Believing you can make the impossible possible is absolutely an expression of hope (again, did I mention, Kaito) – but there still needs to be an actual supposedly-impossible thing you are trying to do! What are you even trying to make possible here?

Shuichi:  “…You’re right. Let’s do it. Let’s fight, together! Against despair!”

Let’s do what exactly???

“Despair” also does not have anywhere near as loaded a meaning as they’re giving it. It’s simply another type of thought – the belief that everything will always be terrible and nothing good will ever happen to you. They are clearly no longer thinking that way any more – so, congratulations! You’ve defeated despair already!

And they’ve defeated it by suddenly feeling this inexplicable arbitrary positivity out of nowhere, even though it’s not really hope because they’re not hoping for anything (other than no longer feeling despair any more, which is tautological). Their situation is exactly as dire as it was before they saw the Flashback Light – if anything, it’s slightly worse, because now they know that the things they’ve lost had even more weight to them. Nobody has any meaningful ideas on how to make this situation any better, things that would actually be something to hope for and would combat the reason they’re in despair. This Flashback Light has essentially just brainwashed them into feeling good again, in the most narratively boring way.

Tsumugi could have given them a Flashback Light which would actually organically give them hope – she could have made one about there being survivors, maybe hidden here in the Ark, maybe on another planet, maybe even somewhere on Earth, and that would give them something to work towards, some hope that they can find the survivors and not be alone. Honestly, she should have done that, as that would be a better-written story than this. I assume the reason she didn’t is that she was getting a lot of complaints from the in-universe audience about how boring things had just become, and to make up for it she wanted to do something which would pander to them, whether it was a good story or not. Or she’s just a bad writer and doesn’t even realise this is a terrible story and thought it totally was the best way to bring hope to everyone. That might well be it. She has not shown much of a track record of good writing so far.

See, I think the thing is that the in-universe audience doesn’t even realise that this is a bad story because they’re too busy geeking out over the callbacks to the past seasons. None of the actual blind LPers I’ve watched ever really picked up on this being bad writing either, because they were also generally pretty excited by this. Which is understandable, since they’re fans who loved the previous Danganronpas. It makes them feel happy and filled with the notion of “hope”, so it doesn’t quite cross their minds that it doesn’t make sense for the characters to be feeling the same way.

But to the characters in this story, what they’ve remembered isn't a beloved work of fiction; it’s just history. They shouldn’t be as affected by it as the audience are.

Shuichi: (The hope born in this academy, a tree of life with roots down deep… It was supporting each and every one of us.)

No matter how poetically he’s suddenly talking about hope (almost as if he’s been brainwashed into doing that too), it won’t change the fact that it’s not hope because they’re still not hoping for anything.

Himiko:  “Nyeeeh… Motivation is rushing through my entire body.”

Motivation! That might be the right word for what they’re actually feeling. They’ve definitely regained the motivation to do something with themselves, at least, even if they don’t know what that something is because there’s still nothing to hope for.

Keebo:  “Kokichi may have left that Flashback Light to make us give up… But if that was his plan, it failed.”

Shuichi:  (It’s true… it does seem as though Kokichi’s plan went wrong somewhere.)

Even Shuichi is completely oblivious to the fact that the sudden motivation they’re all feeling has no actual logical basis for it and therefore must be an emotional manipulation caused by the Flashback Light affecting their brains. It should be obvious to them that this was the intent of the person who gave them the Flashback Light, but, nope.

Himiko:  “We’ve gotta stop You-Know-Who, the Remnant of Despair, or this despair will never end.”

You’re already not feeling despair any more. You only need to stop him if there’s a chance he’s going to do something to make you feel it again, which he’s at least claiming he’s not doing. Kokichi is merely a person who is supposedly capable of making people feel despair – he is not actual despair itself. Despair cannot be a person. But because they seem to think it can, and because they’ve been brainwashed into this meaningless objective of “defeating” despair when that’s not how despair works, they’re feeling like it is necessary to take down Kokichi.

(And by “they”, I mostly mean Maki, which of course was the other point of this Flashback Light.)

---

[Next post]

[some-things-up]

The Heartbreaking/Hopeful Punch of Nostalgia Pt.3

Stranger Things, Season 3, episode 8, otherwise known as the shell for one of the most magical, nostalgic, no-one-saw-it-coming scenes of recent history.

I will include the outline I’m working with from part one, in case you like outlines. If you haven’t read part one and two, it will explain why I��m writing this at all.

Here is the outline (italics represent what we’ve covered so far, bold is what is covered in this post):

A strong woman

What scene are we talking about?

The reaction to it (seen through the response to the context, which will be continued after we discuss the context)

The context of it

The type of woman Suzie is

Dustin’s predicament

The outsiders

The reaction to it (having seen the context)

Heartbreaking hope (the salvation of nostalgia, Suzie/Dustin as heroes)

“eternity in the heart”

death not a part of life

what Suzie/Dustin save us from

insufficiency of existentialism

long for eternal things

Who is the same “yesterday and today and forever”

Heartbreaking seriousness (the salvation from nostalgia, Hopper/Joyce as heroes)

The insufficiency of these heroes

These two moments are the contrast I’m trying to get at. And I think it would be best to see them in the video once more if you haven’t for a while. Not so that you will get the nostalgia back in order to enjoy this post more, but so that you can see what these pictures even are. What does a girl throwing out her arm in triumph have to do with two people who look totally defeated in some sort of a compound? Nothing, unless there is a song playing during both of these scenes that unites them in the strangest way. 

The reality of the situation requires both of these shots. Both of these circumstances are at play. Hopper and Joyce are in the compound, standing in front of a locked safe, and they need the code. Dustin called Suzie to get that code and this song is part of the bargain. 

Both couples have a role to play in this scenario, and it would not be fair to leave either out in terms of the importance of their role. 

Let’s start with the basic reasons why both couples are heroes. Suzie/Dustin get the code. Hopper/Joyce use the code to get the keys, which leads to them destroying the Mindflayer. On that level, it is very easy to see why both couples are heroes here. 

But that is not why I’ve been writing about them. I’ve been writing about them because they are heroes in much more substantial ways, ways that go beyond the Stranger Things franchise. 

Heartbreaking Hope: The Salvation of Nostalgia:

Hopper and Joyce are in a horrible spot. They just found out Murray was wrong about the code, and now everyone in the compound is in danger of being caught, even Murray, and everyone outside the compound is in danger from the Mindflayer. All depends upon that code (and then ten thousand other things besides have to go right - Hopper and Joyce could have lost to the Terminator even after getting the keys. Or Joyce could have not had a long enough belt etc.) And now it comes down to Dustin trying to reach his girlfriend, whom no one is sure is real, in order to get the code. Remember, this was the 80′s; no one could google Planck’s Constant. Things are bad. 

Dustin knows the value of this code and hesitates not to do as Suzie demands in this case (as we said earlier, this was a low point for Suzie). He sings. And as we saw earlier, he doesn’t sing alone for long. Here she joins him and takes the song higher and further than Dustin would have. That is clear in that Dustin seems to be taken up into her joy as the song goes on. But it is her joy, Suzie’s joy that Dustin is taken up into. What is that joy? This is fictional joy, for sure, but why is it we, or many of us, can relate to something similar? 

What Suzie did, by singing that song with Dustin, while the dimension everyone knew and loved was at stake, was to remind us that there was something worth living for. That something, is not just worth living for, it is worth exulting in, and singing about, and glorying in and forgetting even about monsters and all dangers and cares. The song was well chosen, and I have heard that the song was not the first choice for this scene. But I’m glad this was the final choice. I think the title of the song is a servant to my point. What Suzie and Dustin did, despite the fact that everyone, including Hopper and Joyce, wanted them to not be doing it, was to show that there is a kernel of our being that resonates very deeply with the idea of an eternal hope. I’m not speaking new age stuff here. I don’t mean the word “eternal” as an ethereal, mindless, meaningless positivity. I mean literally, lasting forever, never ending. 

Consider this passage of the Bible: “He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart...” (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

You have heard it said to you that dying is a part of life. You have likely heard it said to you, or to someone else in effort to comfort you about someone’s death. Did it? I have often heard the phrase “God has a purpose in this,” mocked during times like that. “How uncaring and cold.” I wonder if anyone who has ever really lost someone they love find it more loving and warm to tell them something they know for certain goes against everything they know. You may not know God has a purpose in someone’s death, or you may know it. But you know that something is messed up with death.

I want to propose something different to you. Death is about the strangest thing there is in the universe. Strange as in, alien. Death is as unnatural a thing as any other thing you have known instantly to be unnatural, even without someone telling it to you. When someone dies and you hear of it, or even if you see an animal die, does this seem so very normal to you? In the case of people dying, especially loved ones, has it not been clear to you that something very wrong is happening? At a funeral, are you telling yourself, “Yeah, this makes sense.” Or are you not saying, “What the hell is going on here? This is not right.” Why do so many people who never knew JFK remember the day he died? Who cares? It was just another part of life, right? When our parents die, do you think we will be able to tell ourselves it was just another part of life, like sleeping, or going to the bathroom, or balding? Does not every experience we have with or near death tell us something different than that? Death is not right, death means something is very wrong. And we know it. 

When Suzie throws that arm out there, hopeful for the future, we are not thinking about her death that will likely occur in the next 70 years or so. We are thinking about her as someone who perhaps could live forever. We are thinking of her as someone who knows life is meant to be forever, and so hope can be eternal, and not just as a positive outlook on life, but as a life that has an actual (as opposed to relative or subjective) reason to hope for the future. I doubt the writers of the scene were thinking of Suzie living forever, or the actress, but I also doubt anyone had in their mind that Suzie’s hope for the future and exultant joy is all meant to be wrapped up nicely and neatly one day with “death is just a part of life.” No, something would not have been right with that, regardless of the author’s intent for the scene. 

The nostalgia that Suzie/Dustin invoke, or better yet, the “laughing at the time to come” that Suzie above all demonstrates, saves us from what everyone is normally telling us, that is, that there is nothing ultimately that makes the time to come worth laughing at with joy, or hoping in. Or maybe it would be better to say, Suzie/Dustin save us from thinking the code is what really matters. The code won’t keep Suzie/Dustin from getting leukemia in their twenties, or getting hit by a drunk driver, or even simply dying of old age some relatively short time down the road. The code buys them a few years. But what Suzie/Dustin remind us of, regardless of the intent of the authors, is that there is an eternal perspective that people have, that few realize or want to discuss. There is something much more substantial worth living for than “now.” And if that were not so, Suzie’s hopeful, bold and fearless gaze at the future would be meaningless. 

And for those who are too young to care about that future, or who were only concerned about the code, the “now,” I do not think that will always be the case. And I am willing to bet that there is something, that were it to be shown to you, or were you to hear it, you’d immediately long to live forever, not just for this moment (as the world has told you is all that matters), but forever. And I am willing to wager that whatever that thing is that makes you long to live forever, it is not something that melds well with the idea that death is just a part of live, or that getting that code is all that really matters. Whatever it is, it will be something that makes you long for a safe place to put your hopes, a safe place that, if you could only find it, would make you laugh at the days to come. And you won’t know where to find it, you’ll just know it is there. Just as Suzie was looking at some unknown place, full of joy and hope, but we know she was just looking at a wall. But no one is thinking about that wall; I only mention it to make the point. If we were just material beings, without the concept of eternity in our hearts, we would just think she’s a crazy person who looks at walls with a hope-filled gaze that has a 70 year shelf-life. No one is looking at her that way, even the hardest of the hard want to see their “most genuine smile” as they watch that scene.

It would be tempting here to say that the younger people who have bought that there is depth to existentialism will say, “No, the code is all that mattered.” But as I already mentioned, the code is not all that matters, even to you, if you are among that group. Even the idea of living for “now” is meant to be a way of living forever. You think “now” is eternal in some way, so that if you could just harness all that is there “right now,” you’d have truly lived. But you can’t, and it isn’t meant to be looked at that way, but you treat it as if it is. I remember hearing someone say the movie “Cast Away” was all about existentialism. And the ending is the perfect example. Spoilers!!!!! He is standing at a cross roads, looking down one road, then back at another road that leads to the lady’s barn, where he delivered a package. The end. He is stuck at the crossroads forever. Sound exciting? Existentialism exalts the fact that he has a choice, that he’s at a crossroads. But the reality is he has to make a choice. Things won’t go so well for him if he literally stays at that crossroads for even a couple hours (I think of weather patterns, food, water etc.). He’s not as free as he thinks, or as the movie makes him out to be. And if he thinks that crossroads is the epitome of joy, he has to leave his joy at some point. And this moment, this “leaving your joy” over and over is the folly of existentialism. There is no future, only a past you are always leaving. In fact, there is not even a “now” for people like that. 

Don’t be fooled. Let yourself long for an eternity, something worth hoping in. On the surface, nostalgia makes us long for the past, but really, if we will leave existentialism behind, it makes us long for an eternal future, where the past was not for nothing. We really want a story that does not end. Not an eternal crossroads, but a book with chapters that go on and on. As C.S. Lewis has in his Narnian book, “Now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.” This is no exalted cross roads, this is an adventure. 

“Christian thoughts on gaming and modern media” gives it away, right? I am not just convinced that Christ is the home/source/safe place for our eternal hopes, but the only justification for any hope that has true substance. I’ve heard that religion is used as a psychological crutch to make us feel like we have meaning etc. Obviously I do not agree. But that does not mean what they say is not touching some truth. And there is no atheist who can live consistently with the view that they and all others are inherently meaningless, or that self-made meaning is any real meaning at all. If there is one place I am going with all of this, it that we are not our own saviors, and we are not sufficient heroes. The never ending story is not really about us, and that is for our joy. Suzie was not looking at a mirror when she threw that fist in the air. It is said of him, “Jesus Christ is the same, yesterday, and today and forever.” (Hebrews 13:8) That cannot be said about us. And while that may be good news for us, especially on our bad days, it is better news for us that it is said of him. Because if he is the same yesterday, today and forever, here we have a safe place to put our hope, past, present and future. 

Suzie/Dustin are heroes in this scenario because they pull us out of the “now” and point to they-know-not-what, but what is something yet worth pointing at.   

Again, “He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart...” (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

To long for something eternal is to long for something you are suited to long for. 

I’ll have to do Hopper/Joyce - the salvation from nostalgia, next time. To be continued...

[ceruleanempyrean]

“My name is Joe Biden. I’m a Democrat. And I loved John McCain. I have had the dubious honor over the years of giving some eulogies for fine women and men that I’ve admired. But, Lindsey, this one’s hard. The three men who spoke before me I think captured John, different aspects of John in a way that only someone close to him could understand. But the way I look at it, the way I thought about it, was that I always thought of John as a brother. We had a hell of a lot of family fights. We go back a long way. I was a young United States Senator. I got elected when I was 29. I had the dubious distinction of being put on the formulations committee, which the next youngest person was 14 years older than me. And I spent a lot of time traveling the world because I was assigned responsibility, my colleagues in the Senate knew I was chairman of the European Affairs subcommittee, so I spent a lot of time at NATO and then the Soviet Union. Along came a guy a couple of years later, a guy I knew of, admired from afar, your husband, who had been a prisoner of war, who had endured enormous, enormous pain and suffering. And demonstrated the code, the McCain code. People don't think much about it today, but imagine having already known the pain you were likely to endure, and being offered the opportunity to go home, but saying no. As his son can tell you in the Navy, last one in, last one out. So I knew of John. and John became the Navy liaison officer in the United States Senate. There's an office, then it used to be on the basement floor, of members of the military who are assigned to senators when they travel abroad to meet with heads of state or other foreign dignitaries. And John had been recently released from the HanoI Hilton, a genuine hero, and he became the Navy liaison. For some reason we hit it off in the beginning. We were both full of dreams and ambitions and an overwhelming desire to make the time we had there worthwhile. To try to do the right thing. To think about how we could make things better for the country we loved so much. John and I ended up traveling every time I went anywhere. I took John with me or John took me with him. we were in China, Japan, Russia, Germany, France, England, Turkey, all over the world. Tens of thousands of miles. And we would sit on that plane and late into the night, when everyone else was asleep, and just talk. Getting to know one another. We'd talk about family, we'd talk about politics, we'd talk about international relations. we'd talk about promise, the promise of America. Because we were both cockeyed optimists and believe there's not a single thing, beyond the capacity of this country. I mean, for real, not a single thing. And, when you get to know another woman or man, you begin to know their hopes and their fears, you get to know their family even before you meet them, you get to know how they feel about important things. We talked about everything except captivity and the loss of my family which had just occurred, my wife and daughter, the only two things we didn't talk about. But, I found that it wasn't too long into John's duties that Jill and I got married. Jill is here with me today. Five years, I had been a single dad and no man deserves one great love, let alone two. And I met Jill. It changed my life. She fell in love with him and he with her. He'd always call her, as Lindsey would travel with her, Jilly. Matter of fact, when they got bored being with me on these trips, I remember in Greece, he said, ‘Why don't I take Jill for dinner?’ Later, I would learn they are at a cafe at the port and he has her dancing on top of a cement table drinking uzo. Not a joke. Jilly. Right, Jilly? But we got to know each other well and he loved my son Beau and my son Hunt. As a young man, he came up to my house and he came up to Wilmington and out of this grew a great friendship that transcended whatever political differences we had or later developed because, above all, above all, we understood the same thing. All politics is personal. It's all about trust. I trusted John with my life and I would and I think he would trust me with his. And as our life progressed, we learned more, there are times when life can be so cruel, pain so blinding it's hard to see anything else. The disease that took John's life took our mutual friend’s, Teddy [Kennedy]’s life, the exact same disease nine years ago, a couple days ago, and three years ago, took my beautiful son Beau's life. It's brutal. It's relentless. It's unforgiving. And it takes so much from those we love and from the families who love them that in order to survive, we have to remember how they lived, not how they died. I carry with me an image of Beau, sitting out in a little lake we live on, starting a motor on an old boat and smiling away. Not the last days. I’m sure Vickie Kennedy has her own image, looking, seeing Teddy looking so alive in a sailboat, out in the Cape. For the family, for the family, you will all find your own images, whether it's remembering his smile, his laugh or that touch in the shoulder or running his hand down your cheek. Or, just feeling like someone is looking, turn and see him just smiling at you, from a distance, just looking at you. Or when you saw the pure joy the moment he was about to take the stage on the Senate floor and start a fight. God, he loved it. so, to Cindy, the kids, Doug, Andy, Cindy, Meghan, Jack, Jimmy, Bridget, and I know she's not here, but to Mrs. McCain, we know how difficult it is to bury a child, Mrs. McCain. My heart goes out to you. And I know right now, the pain you all are feeling is so sharp and so hollowing. And John's absence is all consuming, for all of you right now. It's like being sucked into a black hole inside your chest. And it's frightening. But, I know something else, unfortunately, from experience. There's nothing anyone can say or do to ease the pain right now. But I pray, I pray you take some comfort knowing that because you shared John with all of us, your whole life, the world now shares with you in the ache of John's death. Look around this magnificent church. Look what you saw coming from the state capitol yesterday. it's hard to stand there but part of it, part of it was at least it was for me with Beau, standing in the state capitol, you knew. It was genuine. It was deep. He touched so many lives. I’ve gotten calls not just because people knew we were friends, not just from people around the country, but leaders around the world calling. Meghan, I'm getting all these sympathy letters. I mean, hundreds of them, and tweets. Character is destiny. John had character. While others will miss his leadership, passion, even his stubbornness, you are going to miss that hand on your shoulder. Family, you are going to miss the man, faithful man as he was, who you knew would literally give his life for you. And for that there's no balm but time. Time and your memories of a life lived well and lived fully. But I make you a promise. I promise you, the time will come that what's going to happen is six months will go by and everybody is going to think, well, it's passed. But you are going to ride by that field or smell that fragrance or see that flashing image. You are going to feel like you did the day you got the news. But you know you are going to make it. The image of your dad, your husband, your friend. It crosses your mind and a smile comes to your lips before a tear to your eye. That's who you know. I promise you, I give you my word, I promise you, this I know. The day will come. That day will come. You know, I’m sure if my former colleagues who worked with John, I'm sure there's people who said to you not only now, but the last ten years, ‘Explain this guy to me.’ Right? Explain this guy to me. Because, as they looked at him, in one sense they admired him, in one sense, the way things changed so much in America, they look add him as if John came from another age, lived by a different code, an ancient, antiquated courage, integrity, duty, were alive. That was obvious how John lived his life. The truth is, John's code was ageless, is ageless. When you talked earlier, Grant, you talked about values. It wasn't about politics with John. He could disagree on substance, but the underlying values that animated everything John did, everything he was, come to a different conclusion. He'd part company with you, if you lacked the basic values of decency, respect, knowing this project is bigger than yourself. John's story is an American story. It's not hyperbole. it's the American story. grounded in respect and decency. basic fairness. the intolerance through the abuse of power. Many of you travel the world, look how the rest of the world looks at us. They look at us a little naive, so fair, so decent. We are the naive Americans. that's who we are. That's who John was. He could not stand the abuse of power. wherever he saw it, in whatever form, in whatever ways. He loved basic values, fairness, honesty, dignity, respect, giving hate no safe harbor, leaving no one behind and understanding Americans were part of something much bigger than ourselves. With John, it was a value set that was neither selfish nor self-serving. John understood that America was first and foremost, an idea. Audacious and risky, organized around not tribe but ideals. Think of how he approached every issue. The ideals that Americans rallied around for 200 years, the ideals of the world has prepared you. Sounds corny. We hold these truths self-evident, that all men are created equal, endowed by their creator with certain rights. To John, those words had meaning, as they have for every great patriot who's ever served this country. We both loved the Senate. The proudest years of my life were being a United States Senator. I was honored to be Vice President, but a United States Senator. We both lamented, watching it change. During the long debates in the '80s and '90s, I would go sit next to John, next to his seat or he would come on the Democratic side and sit next to me. I'm not joking. We'd sit there and talk to each other. I came out to see John, we were reminiscing around it. It was '96, about to go to the caucus. We both went into our caucus and coincidentally, we were approached by our caucus leaders with the same thing. Foe, it doesn't look good, you sitting next to John all the time. I swear to God. same thing was said to John in your caucus. That's when things began to change for the worse in America in the Senate. That's when it changed. What happened was, at those times, it was always appropriate to challenge another Senator's judgment, but never appropriate to challenge their motive. When you challenge their motive, it's impossible to get to go. If I say you are going this because you are being paid off or you are doing it because you are not a good Christian or this, that, or the other thing, it's impossible to reach consensus. Think about in your personal lives. All we do today is attack the oppositions of both parties, their motives, not the substance of their argument. This is the mid-'90s. it began to go downhill from there. The last day John was on the Senate floor, what was he fighting to do? He was fighting to restore what you call regular order, just start to treat one another again, like we used to. The Senate was never perfect, John, you know that. we were there a long time together. I watched Teddy Kennedy and James O. Eastland fight like hell on civil rights and then go have lunch together, down in the Senate dining room. John wanted to see, “regular order” writ large. Get to know one another. You know, John and I were both amused and I think Lindsey was at one of these events where John and I received two prestigious awards where the last year I was vice president and one immediately after, for our dignity and respect we showed to one another, we received an award for civility in public life. Allegheny College puts out this award every year for bipartisanship. John and I looked at each and said, ‘What the hell is going on here?’ No, not a joke. I said to Senator Flake, that's how it's supposed to be. We get an award? I’m serious. Think about this. Getting an award for your civility. Getting an award for bipartisanship. Classic John, Allegheny College, hundreds of people, got the award and the Senate was in session. He spoke first and, as he walked off the stage and I walked on, he said, Joe, don't take it personally, but I don't want to hear what the hell you have to say, and left. One of John's major campaign people is now with the senate with the governor of Ohio, was on [TV] this morning and I happened to watch it. He said that Biden and McCain had a strange relationship, they always seemed to have each other's back. Whenever I was in trouble, John was the first guy there. I hope I was there for him. We never hesitate to give each other advice. He would call me in the middle of the campaign, he’d say, ‘What the hell did you say that for? you just screwed up, Joe.’ I'd occasionally call him. Look, I've been thinking this week about why John's death hit the country so hard. yes, he was a long-serving senator with a remarkable record. Yes, he was a two-time presidential candidate who captured the support and imagination of the American people and, yes, John was a war hero, demonstrated extraordinary courage. I think of John and my son when I think of Ingersoll’s words when duty throws the gauntlet down to fate and honor scorns to compromise with death, that is heroism. Everybody knows that about John. But I don't think it fully explains why the country has been so taken by John's passing. I think it's something more intangible. I think it's because they knew John believed so deeply and so passionately in the soul of America. He made it easier for them to have confidence and faith in America. His faith in the core values of this nation made them somehow feel it more genuinely themselves. his conviction that we, as a country, would never walk away from the sacrifice generations of Americans have made to defend liberty and freedom and dignity around the world. It made average Americans proud of themselves and their country. His belief, and it was deep, that Americans can do anything, withstand anything, achieve anything. It was unflagging and ultimately reassuring. This man believed that so strongly. His capacity that we truly are the world's last best hope, the beacon to the world. There are principles and ideals more than ourselves worth sacrificing for and if necessary, dying for. Americans saw how he lived his life that way. and they knew the truth of what he was saying. I just think he gave Americans confidence. John was a hero, his character, courage, honor, integrity. I think it is understated when they say optimism. That's what made John special. Made John a giant among all of us. In my view, John didn't believe that America's future and faith rested on heroes. we used to talk about, he understood what I hope we all remember, heroes didn't build this country. Ordinary people being given half a chance are capable of doing extraordinary things, extraordinary things. John knew ordinary Americans understood each of us has a duty to defend, integrity, dignity and birthright of every child. He carried it. Good communities are built by thousands of acts of decency that Americans, as I speak today, show each other every single day deep in the DNA of this nation's soul lies a flame that was lit over 200 years ago. Each of us carries with us and each one of us has the capacity, the responsibility and we can screw up the courage to ensure it does not extinguish. There's a thousand little things that make us different. Bottom line was, I think John believed in us. I think he believed in the American people. not just all the preambles, he believed until the American people, all 325 million of us. Even though John is no longer with us, he left us clear instructions. ‘Believe always in the promise and greatness of America because nothing is inevitable here.’ Close to the last thing John said took the whole nation, as he knew he was about to depart. That's what he wanted America to understand. not to build his legacy. he wanted America reminded, to understand. I think John's legacy is going to continue to inspire and challenge generations of leaders as they step forward and John McCain’s America is not over. it is hyperbole, it's not over. It's not close. Cindy, John owed so much of what he was to you. you were his ballast. when I was with you both, I could see how he looked at you. Jill is the one, when we were in Hawaii, we first met you there and he kept staring at you. Jill said, go up and talk to her. Doug, Andy, Sydney, Meghan, Jack, Jimmy, Bridget, you may not have had your father as long as you would like, but you got from him everything you need to pursue your own dreams. To follow the course of your own spirit. You are a living legacy, not hyperbole. You are a living legacy and proof of John McCain’s success. Now John is going to take his rightful place in a long line of extraordinary leaders in this nation's history. Who in their time and in their way stood for freedom and stood for liberty and have made the American story the most improbable and most hopeful and most enduring story on earth. I know John said he hoped he played a small part in that story. John, you did much more than that, my friend. To paraphrase Shakespeare, we shall not see his like again."

Vice President Joe Biden

[jade-bellatricus84]

Promptography 101 (part 3)

Okay guys! Here it is! Part 3 of my University AU staring Professor!Prompto and once this segment is finished I am hoping to do segments with the other Chocobros as well! Anywhos! I am SO SORRY this took so long to hash out! Life has been a real bitch to me and I hadn’t been able to do any writing lately until finally last night!

I would like to tag @geekgoddess813 @atarostarling @moonraccoon-exe @inconsistencys and @silverdriftdragon you guys are the literal best and I love you! Thank you for inspiring me to keep my head up and in the game. (both figuratively and literally. bahaha)

Summary: While out shopping you bump into Professor Prompto and proceed to spend the next few hours with him.

Warnings: Um, I don’t think there are any? If any of you find something that may be triggering PLEASE do not hesitate to let me know and I will make sure to properly tag it!

Word count: 1679

So! Without further ado, I give you, Promptography 101 (part 3)

You told him where you lived and he took off in that direction. The drive was amazing. He was a cautious driver despite going over the speed limit. He had such a strong back and you loved leaning into it. With your arms tightly wrapped around him you could tell he was fit. Sure he wasn't ripped like the hot P.E. professor you kept hearing about, but he definitely had muscle. You knew he had great arms, the man seemed to hate sleeves. As you were wondering how well built he really was you felt the bike slow to a stop by your apartment building.

“Here we are, mi'lady.” He stabilized the bike before helping you down. “I like the scenery it's so-”

You had slowly taken the helmet off and shook your hair out. When he stopped talking you had assumed he was searching for a word that fit but glancing at him told you otherwise. He had been looking at you. There was a faint blush to his cheeks as he quickly looked away.

“Ah-um-sorry, Y/N...That was- really inappropriate of me...I-sorry if that made you uncomfortable...” He seemed to be really flustered, just from watching you take the helmet off.

“Hm? Oh, no, it's fine really!” You smiled softly as you hand the helmet back to him. “Safety first, Bright Eyes.” You gave a soft giggle as his cheeks went an even brighter shade of pink.

“Y-Yeah, thanks, Y/N. Um, I should-I...I should go...” He turned to get back onto his bike. “I'll-um-see you tomorrow...wait-no-tomorrow is Saturday...no classes...I'll see you Monday.”

“Yeah. See you Monday...hey, Bright Eyes?” He paused in his movement to put his helmet on to look at you. “Thanks again for today. It really means a lot.”

“No problem. Anytime, Princess, anytime.” He put the helmet on and started the bike. He checked to make sure traffic was clear before giving you a wave and driving off.

You took a deep breath as you went inside, questioning what all of this meant. Were your feelings only amplified because you were emotionally unstable when you bumped into him? What did his reaction to watching you take his helmet off mean? How could you repay him for his kindness? All of these thoughts swarmed through your head, making studying impossible, and so you decided to take a nice and long hot bath to de-stress. You went to start the water for the bath and then started to gather everything you would need. You grabbed all your lavender scented bath items; bath bomb, bath salts, scented candle, bubble bath, everything you could think you might want. Then you went to grab you pajamas and a few fresh towels. Once you had everything officially ready you turned on your sound simulator and set it on the 'ocean waves' sound before settling into the tub for some much needed relaxation.

The next morning when you woke you decided to go take care of some shopping that needed to get done. Grabbing your keys and wallet you head to the nearby market. This market was your favorite, mainly because it had everything you could ever need somewhere in one of the many stalls. Your eyes looked around and, after wandering around grabbing the essentials, landed on none other that Prompto Argentum. He stood talking with another man about his age with raven colored hair and a bored expression. As you watched them the other man smiled and laughed and suddenly you recognized him as the University's Mythology Professor. You suddenly had the idea of somehow repaying Prompto for his kindness from the day before.

“Prompto?” Before you could stop yourself you called out to him. He turned in your direction, an involuntary reaction to hearing his name.

“Y/N, hey! Good morning, how are you?” He gave you one of those blindingly bright smiles.

“Good morning. I'm okay, thank you. I just...thank you, again, for yesterday, I really appreciate it.” You gave a soft, shy smile. He chuckled softly and shook his head.

“Hey, no problem.” He paused a moment, turning slightly back to the other Professor. “I'm gonna head on, finish running my errands. I'll meet you guys at Iggy's later tonight.” The raven haired Professor quirked an eyes with a smirk on his face as he nodded and turned to leave. He glanced at you, that smirk never leaving. “Yeah, sure thing. Have fun.”

“What?” The blonde seemed a tad confused as the other male walked away.

“I think he got the wrong idea, Prom...” You had said it teasingly but you wondered if maybe he really had gotten the wrong idea.

“What? Nah...Noct likes to mess around like that.” He shrugs some and gave you a soft smile. “I'm like...75% certain he was just messing around.”

The two of you began to walk throughout the market place. At one of the market stalls there were some really cute chocobo and moogle keychains.

“Oh my gods this is so cute!” You couldn't help but cry out as you saw them.

“Yeah, they really are. Oh! Give me just a second...this vendor has a new camera lens I've wanted for a while.” Prompto jogged off to a stall a little bit away and you took the time to purchase a keychain. The vendor told you that they were running a buy one get one free deal so you got two matching keychains.

You planned to give one of them to your Professor as thanks for his kindness yesterday. You hid the keychains and went over to him. He was purchasing the lens and getting it properly packaged to take home.

“Sorry, Y/N, didn't mean to run off on you like that. I've been looking for this lens for months. It's really popular with wildlife photographers. Man, I'm glad I switched rides with Noct.” He laughed softly, his face beaming.

“Oh, no, it's totally fine. I'm glad you were able to get it!” You found yourself smiling back at him. “Hey, so...I've been walking around for the last couple of hours and I'm starting to get hungry...would you...maybe...like to join me for lunch?”

“Really? Sure, I mean, if you're sure you want me around?”

“Uh, yeah, dude. Why wouldn't I? Also...why ask if I didn't mean it?” You gave a soft giggle and gently nudge him.

“Ahaha! Good point!” His laugh had you melting.

“Of course it's a good point, Bright Eyes. It only makes sense.” You were so relaxed and in such a good mood.

The two of you made your way to a chic cafe. It was pretty empty despite the crowd at the marketplace. You sat in the back corner in some comfy overstuffed armchairs.

“Gods, I need an Ebony.” He suddenly said as he fought a yawn.

“You drink Ebony?” He didn't strike you as an Ebony consumer.

“Believe me, I don't drink it for the taste.” He said with a laugh. “I drink it for the caffeine. Some days it's the only way I can function.”

“Really? I'm sorry...do you want anything to eat?”

“Yeah, but I'll get it...don't worry about it.”

“Uh, no, this is on me. I invited you here, besides, I owe you for yesterday.”

“No, you don't. I didn't do it so you would owe me, Y/N.”

“Regardless. I'm getting this. Now...what do you want?” He seemed to realize that you weren't going to give in and sighed.

“I'll take a club sandwich with a pasta salad on the side. Please and thank you.”

“Club with pasta salad. Got it. Do you take cream or sugar in your Ebony?” You seemed to really be in your element at the moment.

“Uh, yeah, two creams, three sugars.” He smiled softly.

“Got it. Okay, I'll be right back.” You skipped up to the counter and placed the order.

Prompto watched you the whole time. You were beautiful. He quickly averted his eyes as you came back with two mugs in hand.

“Ebony, two creams, three sugars. Trish will bring lunch over when it's ready.”

“You really seem to know what you're doing here. Is that coincidence?” He asked genuinely curious.

“No. I did a few barista/waitressing gigs back home during my high school years. I loved the work and most of my customers, but it just wasn't my passion, you know?” your eyes locked with each other and he nods.

“Yeah, actually, I do. I've been there. I know exactly what that's like. I got lucky, though, ending up doing what I love. Not everyone gets that privilege, and I thank the Astrals everyday for the fact Regis saw potential for a class otherwise I have no idea what I'd be doing.” He smiled softly.

“You're on a first name with the Headmaster of the University? That is so cool!” You were so impressed with this ball of sunshine.

“Yeah. Noct is his son and we go way back. Known each other going on 10 or 11 years now. Pretty much the same with Ignis and Gladio too” He smiled fondly. “Of course Ignis, Noct and Gladio pretty much grew up together, so I was the late arrival but, yeah, we're all pretty close.”

“Now, Noct was the Professor from earlier, right?”

“Yep. That's the one. Noctis Lucis Caelum, the University's resident Mythology Nerd.” He laughed softly and you couldn't help but laugh with him.

“Which ones are Gladio and Ignis?” You were curious about the other two.

“Gladiolus Amicitia and Ignis Scientia. Gladio does Phys. Ed. while Iggy does the cooking classes. If we keep hanging out like this you're bound to meet them.” He gave you a charming smile.

“I think I'd like that.” You smiled.

“To meet them or to keep hanging out?” Gods, how could he be so smooth?

“Both.” You felt your cheeks heat up.

Thankfully, it was at that time Trish arrived with the food. The two of you started to eat and any conversation was about the food. You knew you were going to get yourself into trouble though. You were falling in love with your Professor.

[bibiamor]

21/12/20

Last night having 69 w Leonardo Di cap

My policeman

Was so tall and warm and funny but witty and t bland also spicy . He reminded me of one the guardians I see during Aaron’s meditation. He’s this like exemplary guy. What I would consider the perfect dude. Funny and strong and tall brave and beautiful in a offbeat unique way. Light eyes dark hair.

I was lost. My friends took cars and were already there and for some reason I chose to walk with Aries I believe and he rose me up so high and pointed to a highway or roads that curved to the right above or just next to the sea. He pointed like the soldier in my dream. I felt so safe and protected and cared for.

20/12/20

Mom and I leaving a white van on a hill or cliff ledge and getting out to go further up the mountain me leaving Aries and putting him outside or to one side to wait

Later a bigger van turned j to a robot

A super super tall Italian policeman who helped me find a place directions

It’s the ska jab thins and mosaics. J’y they are underwater I was going w two more friends one I had an affair with

Dean was mad there was an event with joe or lee

I kept carrying the heart earring in my mouth lest I lose it

Pearls ?

Mama had Lucy she took her and she lost her in Granada . She let her sleep outside and Lucy ran away. Trusting her with a big responsibility? But it seemed like genuine accident

19/12/20

777 briefcase dream

(Dad, money, work, business woman, travel)

7777 next day during Casino

777 on day of car inspection or day after

777= 21=3

7 is spiritual hero’s journey 7 is psychic phenomena 7 is unlocking the briefcase of knowledge through rosemary’s books perhaps is what they’re telling me

My Tom cruise dream

1. I admire him a lot since the Irish America movie. His work ethic. Ability to be convincing no matter what despite being annoying.

2. His name. CRUISE. As in, a long voyage on a SHIP which is what I’ve called the VW a few times.

19/12

Last night I dreamt Arshag either said it or I sensed it telepathically that he wanted to settle and have a family. Not necessarily with me. And I told him that it wasn’t the solution to his ailments or problems.

Later the entrance to a place where I would or could buy the VW. Except it was like a black tent nightclub entrance with gold ropes and a red carpet leading to it. It looked a lot like the entrance to an underground strip club or Soohisticats in London that leads to a stairway. Today my book said underground places can represent the subconscious. I need to access it to find my VW? 😅

18/12/20

O just napped

Dreamt I accidentally had left my patriots jacket in the machine before a wash and I was so upset bc it’s so special to me. Mostly ok but when I made myself try it on it shrunk . Some numbers were faded where it was blue it was now white no vie versa. And the back was now cheap plastic material and you couldn’t see the patriots logo anymore. Then I willed myself to see more and thought of the eagle on the jacket ? 53 on the sleeve . I remembered the last guy who told me how nice it was and I was chuffed he’d never find it online and now mine was ruined I wouldn’t be able to either

10/12/20

Dreaming in another language for the first time ever. “Le rôle de parleur ou commandeur ». Something about being in a chariot kind of position to make demands from others, for others to ‘respect’ or listen to. The car i think.

Something about delivering messages like parcels just like the podcast I listened to before bed. Same message.

8/12/20

Dream yesterday

Sex w two guys unknown. One to my right and another laying down underneath my long skirt. Possibly a period skirt. Think it was a wet dream. Perhaps creative energy surging with no place to go since I haven’t been meditating.

Last night I watched callas kennedy Onassis documentary and dreamt I was on a massive piece of land that looked more like Brittany but was owned by the kennedys. I remember saying the name Rose though it might’ve been bc of the mother. I was there asking for permission to film on their property. It was all very informal and they were all dressed rather casual not what I expected from Kennedy’s but they seemed to be out strolling or hunting with dogs. “Yes should be fine, Rose/someone should be around”.

2/12/20

Dreams

Jeremy again! Being nice getting along being almost flirty again being close. Him telling me which bread he likes (with seeds) and other things I didn’t write down soon enough. He still hasn’t replied to my last email about them. What could they possibly mean?

Something about Arshag which reminds me I can ask him my car q’s.

16/11/20

Last night’s dream: 2 very specific clear images.

First, a falcon. Perched. Alone. With hood so he couldn’t see. No owner but clearly had one.

This is the 5th falcon/eagle in a week not including the ‘one’ we found. There’s something about this animal I need to research or I really have to do that shamanic tunnel technique of finding my power animal. Clearly he’s waiting to give me something I need.

Second, the towers of Cologne cathedral. I even had the exact name. I think of the Manara Tower card with this illustration. Unexpected destructions and break ups. Gothic architecture. Hochi. He was a writer. The club and my time there. The first place my mother landed in Europe. Point zero? When Luca visited. Tower moment. What am I supposed to go back and explore. My time dancing? To write about it? The history of the cathedral? How to move through tower card moments?

Later completely separately. Being a mature student in a high school. Being very literally persecuted by yet another woman. A cop of some sort. Unequivocally irrationally triggered by my energy and person and felt she had to bring me down no matter what. I failed to follow some rules that actually most people were relaxed about but since she was on to me, she caught me and expelled me from the school. I was in her room sleeping when I should have been in class and she hadn’t noticed. And that was that, there was no turning back from her decision, she involved superiors and many others to make sure I would leave. I was sad and disappointed because I was learning and I still had 3 months left in my rent (which I think was here). Again, punishment didn’t fit the crime. It was blown way out of proportion: a Justice card from earlier echo. But then some friends came up with a plan for revenge and managed to make this huge party they knew she’d come to where I was at too with a huge gas mask so she wouldn’t recognise me. I don’t know if she died but she did suffer. Things were burned, evidence was burned. It wasn’t my idea, I don’t think I really cared. Aries and I were already planning our next venture. Lots of sand. Like a Texas Arizona America vibe.

Yesterday it was bizarre and disjointed, the kind that doesn’t seem to make any sense whatsoever. There was a Russian kid who looked pretty much like the Russian contestant on master of photography. I had to babysit him kind of and he was following me around and waiting for me everywhere. We went to the cinema where I spent 300€ in the kiosk shop on food and god knows what else, it felt justified and I just swiped my card like I wasn’t worried at all about money. It didn’t feel frivolous or reckless. He helped me with my shopping bags. It wasn’t romantic. I think my mom was driving us around? I had to choose between two movies to watch. One was like a romantic thriller with pinks and purples in the poster like a twilight type deal but I chose the more normal romantic Indian movie and there were huge queues at the cinema (despite the restrictions) with tons of people at the gate. Huge crowds and everyone was black because all the white people were too scared to leave their house because of corona. Then a black girl with boy short hair and tight black sports clothes and she needed my/our help because she said she’d done the shamanic power animal dance but she still couldn’t get the soil on her land fertile enough to build or just the salmon goo soil she had in this massive flat ceramic cauldron. You could make little turrets out of the goo but it never stayed solid enough to hold it would melt back into the soup so you definitely couldn’t build anything. Then, 3rd person sentences about me like it was a Cayce or Akashic reading saying I had “wholly embraced” all the angel information recently and that they were happy about that and “she may beautify cleanse and heal her environs” like it was my special ability or gift I had.

[starkissr]

would u look at that I just had my first break down in a rly long time

today I honestly thought that things have never been worse for me. but u fucking know what? fuck my anxieties. fuck my fears. fuck every doubt and insecurity that's been replaying in my mind. I literally don't fucking deserve to put myself thru this emotional turmoil anymore than I already have. Friday started stressful. yesterday I relapsed back into my bad bad habit. I didn't even mean to but I couldn't stop it. I knew I was doing it and I couldn't care less and altho I just realized it but the level of dgaf I was abt it and how it got so bad literally so quick scared the fuck out of me. now I see it meant I didn't care abt myself anymore. I did see it was wrong but I rly didn't trust myself to take care of myself so my plan was to tell my most trusted friend n roommate here abt my problem so she could also look out for me and help me a little n yesterday I thought abt it but brushed it off. today I texted her and told her I needed to tell her something when were alone. I was so proud of myself for telling her that bc I was like ok now I can't back out of it and I rly rly have to speak up abt this. I guess I should've emphasized that it was v important to me but anyway she left before we got a chance to talk and that was yet ANOTHER thing that went wrong. I swear I've heard like just numerically more bad news today than I have in my life I think. everytime something else came up n I thought shit can't get fucking worse another thing would pop up n fucking emotionally destroy me all over again. but this one was so shitty bc this girl is MY GIRL n the only one I feel comfortable enough talking abt this and I even told her how I desperately needed a solid cry 2 n she wasn't fucking here for me when I needed her. I'm not mad at her like she's been thru v srs shit as of late too n ik she was stressed and why we weren't able to talk but it still fucking hurt bc all day when the hot tears would flood my eyes I kept trying to tell them and all my shit thoughts to sh go away. I would tell them at the end of the day u will come flooding out and I would stop torturing myself and not hold anything back and just say out loud every fucking last thing that's going wrong rn but then it would be ok bc at least it'd all be out of my head. so like I said I'm not mad at her bc that would just be selfish of me but I'm still hurt and i hate so much that I don't feel comfortable having that conversation w her anymore. I'm scared that no one here knows that I don't feel like I can take care of myself rn. I actually decided right now that it's ok that I don't wanna tell her anymore. I rly can't force myself to make myself feel uncomf and tell her something that deeply personal when I don't have the desire to anymore. but the only reason why I'm ok w that is I just compromised n I'm gonna go to talk to the psychologist at my school tm. even tho I rly can't afford to waste a fucking second of my time this week I literally have to go tomorrow or I'll never go. I've been telling myself for legit 4 years that I would start seeing someone but when it came down to it I would never go bc I would tell myself it's not like I have any like life or death problems anyway n when I would think abt making an appt since it would be scheduled in like 2 weeks I automatically would assume whatever the issue was would go away by then. but I fucking need to do this for myself so even tho I'm not planning on killing myself or anything I honest to fucking god need immediate attn rn and everytime I would consider doing the emergency mtg b4 I would be like oh I'm taking that time away from someone who honestly might wanna kill themself n since of c my problems aren't nearly as valid as that I would just be wasting everyone's time. but I need to be selfish this once. I need help I know I desperately fucking need it but I fucking can't stand myself that even tho ik that I still feel like I'm not worthy of going and getting the help I need. I'm still gonna make myself go but like shit man I should not be thinking that way abt myself. whatever idk I'll try to work on it

anyway I still rly did need to talk to someone even if it wasn't to tell my secret I still needed to vent abt all the other million things that had just gone to shit. I had a weird thing that wasn't a fight but like we never fight so it was just even weirder that happened w my best friend who I never have a problem spilling my heart and my soul to so that also was like ugh but I still woulda been down to call her until I remembered how she just started grad school n has more going on now than ever and that rn wasn't a good time for her. there's this other girl here who just within like the past couple of weeks I've gotten to know better n we just vibe so I thought abt dumping my shit on her but then I felt stupid bc I was literally just w her all day n of c now after she left I feel like bitching abt all my shit but I was like that's not a good enough reason to not talk to her so I decided to reach out

I honestly dk what I would've done if she hadn't been there for me. if ur actually reading this ridiculous thought process no like I said I wasn't gonna kms but that anxiety attack was sooooo bad n I've had my fair fucking share so I don't say that lightly but regardless I'm sosososoosososo grateful to her for being there n hearing out all my irrational concerns and being patient n eventually talking sense into me. I felt so vulnerable at first bc even tho she already knew abt some of what went down I honestly felt ashamed abt these problems I'm facing n it takes me a while to warm up to ppl and be THAT open even if it may not seem like a big deal to some I'm super private w somethings idk but she was so fucking amazing I even did kinda preface or hint or like not in as srs of a way but still did lightly bring up a lil part of my secret. she prob didn't even know it but that was so cool n felt liberating tbh. I'm so happy bc while we were studying earlier today, in a moment when those tears found my eyes again n I was tryna keep my cool n not bawl my eyes out in the library n just take deep breathes I drew this simple as can be flower at the top of my page with a cute smiley right in the flowers center in an effort to make myself feel better n showed it to her n when I was showing it off I decided i would want nothing more than to have this be my next tattoo. she laughed n we just talked n then I was like no but I'm not kidding I rly am getting it. to me it was so real that I was having a day from literal hell but that lil silly flower smiley lit up my insides n made me feel soooooo happy I can't explain n it was just a nice thing to try to redirect my thoughts to bc I already love flowers but idk this drawing is like literally a stroke of genius idc if it sounds crazy n anyway she looks at it longer n told me she honestly rly liked it too n said she would get it tatted n I told her again like I'm so srs this thing is giving me LIFE n she surprised me n said yeah me too n so we decided we would get matching tats n I thought abt all the past friends who I've had this convo w like obv abt diff tattoos but I was just asking myself if I rly would want to share this lil treat w her n I can't explain how but all the other times I've talked abt getting matching tattoos w good friends it just felt like a game and not real but this felt different. I'm so stoked were gonna do this together n the fact that I'll have one of my own doodles on my skin like I just love every bit of it. n I thought abt how it's gonna be so magical even when we graduate how the same smiley flower on me will go and see the world thru her eyes. she's from Dubai so even tho it's sad we can't live in the same city forever idk I genuinely feel like I'll be connected and there w her no matter where we go. it's unbelievable to me just how much of the same person we are n how close we've gotten so fast I'm so blessed to have her in my life

wow what an experience. hopefully tm is better

[bigmacdaddio]

Joe Biden eulogizes John McCain - August 30, 2018.

“My name is Joe Biden. I’m a Democrat. And I loved John McCain. I have had the dubious honor over the years of giving some eulogies for fine women and men that I’ve admired. But, Lindsey, this one’s hard. The three men who spoke before me I think captured John, different aspects of John in a way that only someone close to him could understand. But the way I look at it, the way I thought about it, was that I always thought of John as a brother. We had a hell of a lot of family fights. We go back a long way. I was a young United States Senator. I got elected when I was 29. I had the dubious distinction of being put on the formulations committee, which the next youngest person was 14 years older than me. And I spent a lot of time traveling the world because I was assigned responsibility, my colleagues in the Senate knew I was chairman of the European Affairs subcommittee, so I spent a lot of time at NATO and then the Soviet Union. Along came a guy a couple of years later, a guy I knew of, admired from afar, your husband, who had been a prisoner of war, who had endured enormous, enormous pain and suffering. And demonstrated the code, the McCain code. People don't think much about it today, but imagine having already known the pain you were likely to endure, and being offered the opportunity to go home, but saying no. As his son can tell you in the Navy, last one in, last one out. So I knew of John. and John became the Navy liaison officer in the United States Senate. There's an office, then it used to be on the basement floor, of members of the military who are assigned to senators when they travel abroad to meet with heads of state or other foreign dignitaries. And John had been recently released from the HanoI Hilton, a genuine hero, and he became the Navy liaison. For some reason we hit it off in the beginning. We were both full of dreams and ambitions and an overwhelming desire to make the time we had there worthwhile. To try to do the right thing. To think about how we could make things better for the country we loved so much. John and I ended up traveling every time I went anywhere. I took John with me or John took me with him. we were in China, Japan, Russia, Germany, France, England, Turkey, all over the world. Tens of thousands of miles. And we would sit on that plane and late into the night, when everyone else was asleep, and just talk. Getting to know one another. We'd talk about family, we'd talk about politics, we'd talk about international relations. we'd talk about promise, the promise of America. Because we were both cockeyed optimists and believe there's not a single thing, beyond the capacity of this country. I mean, for real, not a single thing. And, when you get to know another woman or man, you begin to know their hopes and their fears, you get to know their family even before you meet them, you get to know how they feel about important things. We talked about everything except captivity and the loss of my family which had just occurred, my wife and daughter, the only two things we didn't talk about. But, I found that it wasn't too long into John's duties that Jill and I got married. Jill is here with me today. Five years, I had been a single dad and no man deserves one great love, let alone two. And I met Jill. It changed my life. She fell in love with him and he with her. He'd always call her, as Lindsey would travel with her, Jilly. Matter of fact, when they got bored being with me on these trips, I remember in Greece, he said, ‘Why don't I take Jill for dinner?’ Later, I would learn they are at a cafe at the port and he has her dancing on top of a cement table drinking uzo. Not a joke. Jilly. Right, Jilly? But we got to know each other well and he loved my son Beau and my son Hunt. As a young man, he came up to my house and he came up to Wilmington and out of this grew a great friendship that transcended whatever political differences we had or later developed because, above all, above all, we understood the same thing. All politics is personal. It's all about trust. I trusted John with my life and I would and I think he would trust me with his. And as our life progressed, we learned more, there are times when life can be so cruel, pain so blinding it's hard to see anything else. The disease that took John's life took our mutual friend’s, Teddy [Kennedy]’s life, the exact same disease nine years ago, a couple days ago, and three years ago, took my beautiful son Beau's life. It's brutal. It's relentless. It's unforgiving. And it takes so much from those we love and from the families who love them that in order to survive, we have to remember how they lived, not how they died. I carry with me an image of Beau, sitting out in a little lake we live on, starting a motor on an old boat and smiling away. Not the last days. I’m sure Vickie Kennedy has her own image, looking, seeing Teddy looking so alive in a sailboat, out in the Cape. For the family, for the family, you will all find your own images, whether it's remembering his smile, his laugh or that touch in the shoulder or running his hand down your cheek. Or, just feeling like someone is looking, turn and see him just smiling at you, from a distance, just looking at you. Or when you saw the pure joy the moment he was about to take the stage on the Senate floor and start a fight. God, he loved it. so, to Cindy, the kids, Doug, Andy, Cindy, Meghan, Jack, Jimmy, Bridget, and I know she's not here, but to Mrs. McCain, we know how difficult it is to bury a child, Mrs. McCain. My heart goes out to you. And I know right now, the pain you all are feeling is so sharp and so hollowing. And John's absence is all consuming, for all of you right now. It's like being sucked into a black hole inside your chest. And it's frightening. But, I know something else, unfortunately, from experience. There's nothing anyone can say or do to ease the pain right now. But I pray, I pray you take some comfort knowing that because you shared John with all of us, your whole life, the world now shares with you in the ache of John's death. Look around this magnificent church. Look what you saw coming from the state capitol yesterday. it's hard to stand there but part of it, part of it was at least it was for me with Beau, standing in the state capitol, you knew. It was genuine. It was deep. He touched so many lives. I’ve gotten calls not just because people knew we were friends, not just from people around the country, but leaders around the world calling. Meghan, I'm getting all these sympathy letters. I mean, hundreds of them, and tweets. Character is destiny. John had character. While others will miss his leadership, passion, even his stubbornness, you are going to miss that hand on your shoulder. Family, you are going to miss the man, faithful man as he was, who you knew would literally give his life for you. And for that there's no balm but time. Time and your memories of a life lived well and lived fully. But I make you a promise. I promise you, the time will come that what's going to happen is six months will go by and everybody is going to think, well, it's passed. But you are going to ride by that field or smell that fragrance or see that flashing image. You are going to feel like you did the day you got the news. But you know you are going to make it. The image of your dad, your husband, your friend. It crosses your mind and a smile comes to your lips before a tear to your eye. That's who you know. I promise you, I give you my word, I promise you, this I know. The day will come. That day will come. You know, I’m sure if my former colleagues who worked with John, I'm sure there's people who said to you not only now, but the last ten years, ‘Explain this guy to me.’ Right? Explain this guy to me. Because, as they looked at him, in one sense they admired him, in one sense, the way things changed so much in America, they look add him as if John came from another age, lived by a different code, an ancient, antiquated courage, integrity, duty, were alive. That was obvious how John lived his life. The truth is, John's code was ageless, is ageless. When you talked earlier, Grant, you talked about values. It wasn't about politics with John. He could disagree on substance, but the underlying values that animated everything John did, everything he was, come to a different conclusion. He'd part company with you, if you lacked the basic values of decency, respect, knowing this project is bigger than yourself. John's story is an American story. It's not hyperbole. it's the American story. grounded in respect and decency. basic fairness. the intolerance through the abuse of power. Many of you travel the world, look how the rest of the world looks at us. They look at us a little naive, so fair, so decent. We are the naive Americans. that's who we are. That's who John was. He could not stand the abuse of power. wherever he saw it, in whatever form, in whatever ways. He loved basic values, fairness, honesty, dignity, respect, giving hate no safe harbor, leaving no one behind and understanding Americans were part of something much bigger than ourselves. With John, it was a value set that was neither selfish nor self-serving. John understood that America was first and foremost, an idea. Audacious and risky, organized around not tribe but ideals. Think of how he approached every issue. The ideals that Americans rallied around for 200 years, the ideals of the world has prepared you. Sounds corny. We hold these truths self-evident, that all men are created equal, endowed by their creator with certain rights. To John, those words had meaning, as they have for every great patriot who's ever served this country. We both loved the Senate. The proudest years of my life were being a United States Senator. I was honored to be Vice President, but a United States Senator. We both lamented, watching it change. During the long debates in the '80s and '90s, I would go sit next to John, next to his seat or he would come on the Democratic side and sit next to me. I'm not joking. We'd sit there and talk to each other. I came out to see John, we were reminiscing around it. It was '96, about to go to the caucus. We both went into our caucus and coincidentally, we were approached by our caucus leaders with the same thing. Foe, it doesn't look good, you sitting next to John all the time. I swear to God. same thing was said to John in your caucus. That's when things began to change for the worse in America in the Senate. That's when it changed. What happened was, at those times, it was always appropriate to challenge another Senator's judgment, but never appropriate to challenge their motive. When you challenge their motive, it's impossible to get to go. If I say you are going this because you are being paid off or you are doing it because you are not a good Christian or this, that, or the other thing, it's impossible to reach consensus. Think about in your personal lives. All we do today is attack the oppositions of both parties, their motives, not the substance of their argument. This is the mid-'90s. it began to go downhill from there. The last day John was on the Senate floor, what was he fighting to do? He was fighting to restore what you call regular order, just start to treat one another again, like we used to. The Senate was never perfect, John, you know that. we were there a long time together. I watched Teddy Kennedy and James O. Eastland fight like hell on civil rights and then go have lunch together, down in the Senate dining room. John wanted to see, “regular order” writ large. Get to know one another. You know, John and I were both amused and I think Lindsey was at one of these events where John and I received two prestigious awards where the last year I was vice president and one immediately after, for our dignity and respect we showed to one another, we received an award for civility in public life. Allegheny College puts out this award every year for bipartisanship. John and I looked at each and said, ‘What the hell is going on here?’ No, not a joke. I said to Senator Flake, that's how it's supposed to be. We get an award? I’m serious. Think about this. Getting an award for your civility. Getting an award for bipartisanship. Classic John, Allegheny College, hundreds of people, got the award and the Senate was in session. He spoke first and, as he walked off the stage and I walked on, he said, Joe, don't take it personally, but I don't want to hear what the hell you have to say, and left. One of John's major campaign people is now with the senate with the governor of Ohio, was on [TV] this morning and I happened to watch it. He said that Biden and McCain had a strange relationship, they always seemed to have each other's back. Whenever I was in trouble, John was the first guy there. I hope I was there for him. We never hesitate to give each other advice. He would call me in the middle of the campaign, he’d say, ‘What the hell did you say that for? you just screwed up, Joe.’ I'd occasionally call him. Look, I've been thinking this week about why John's death hit the country so hard. yes, he was a long-serving senator with a remarkable record. Yes, he was a two-time presidential candidate who captured the support and imagination of the American people and, yes, John was a war hero, demonstrated extraordinary courage. I think of John and my son when I think of Ingersoll’s words when duty throws the gauntlet down to fate and honor scorns to compromise with death, that is heroism. Everybody knows that about John. But I don't think it fully explains why the country has been so taken by John's passing. I think it's something more intangible. I think it's because they knew John believed so deeply and so passionately in the soul of America. He made it easier for them to have confidence and faith in America. His faith in the core values of this nation made them somehow feel it more genuinely themselves. his conviction that we, as a country, would never walk away from the sacrifice generations of Americans have made to defend liberty and freedom and dignity around the world. It made average Americans proud of themselves and their country. His belief, and it was deep, that Americans can do anything, withstand anything, achieve anything. It was unflagging and ultimately reassuring. This man believed that so strongly. His capacity that we truly are the world's last best hope, the beacon to the world. There are principles and ideals more than ourselves worth sacrificing for and if necessary, dying for. Americans saw how he lived his life that way. and they knew the truth of what he was saying. I just think he gave Americans confidence. John was a hero, his character, courage, honor, integrity. I think it is understated when they say optimism. That's what made John special. Made John a giant among all of us. In my view, John didn't believe that America's future and faith rested on heroes. we used to talk about, he understood what I hope we all remember, heroes didn't build this country. Ordinary people being given half a chance are capable of doing extraordinary things, extraordinary things. John knew ordinary Americans understood each of us has a duty to defend, integrity, dignity and birthright of every child. He carried it. Good communities are built by thousands of acts of decency that Americans, as I speak today, show each other every single day deep in the DNA of this nation's soul lies a flame that was lit over 200 years ago. Each of us carries with us and each one of us has the capacity, the responsibility and we can screw up the courage to ensure it does not extinguish. There's a thousand little things that make us different. Bottom line was, I think John believed in us. I think he believed in the American people. not just all the preambles, he believed until the American people, all 325 million of us. Even though John is no longer with us, he left us clear instructions. ‘Believe always in the promise and greatness of America because nothing is inevitable here.’ Close to the last thing John said took the whole nation, as he knew he was about to depart. That's what he wanted America to understand. not to build his legacy. he wanted America reminded, to understand. I think John's legacy is going to continue to inspire and challenge generations of leaders as they step forward and John McCain’s America is not over. it is hyperbole, it's not over. It's not close. Cindy, John owed so much of what he was to you. you were his ballast. when I was with you both, I could see how he looked at you. Jill is the one, when we were in Hawaii, we first met you there and he kept staring at you. Jill said, go up and talk to her. Doug, Andy, Sydney, Meghan, Jack, Jimmy, Bridget, you may not have had your father as long as you would like, but you got from him everything you need to pursue your own dreams. To follow the course of your own spirit. You are a living legacy, not hyperbole. You are a living legacy and proof of John McCain’s success. Now John is going to take his rightful place in a long line of extraordinary leaders in this nation's history. Who in their time and in their way stood for freedom and stood for liberty and have made the American story the most improbable and most hopeful and most enduring story on earth. I know John said he hoped he played a small part in that story. John, you did much more than that, my friend. To paraphrase Shakespeare, we shall not see his like again."

[fey-and-sudden-and-unholy]

Surveything

Have you ever talked to someone online, but when you saw each other in person, it was just super awkward? Have you ever made a really good friend online? Once or twice.... But, most of my friends are people I knew first online, and frankly they’re better friends than almost any of the ones I had before.   Do you enter sweepstakes or scratch lottery tickets or anything like that? What’s the best thing you’ve ever won? Nah.

Right now, would you be upset if you got pregnant, or would you not mind? Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? I’d be incredibly upset.  Then I’d promptly find out where the closest abortionist was and get rid of the reason for being upset.  I have had exactly one scare, and that is a crazy story I do not share lightly.

Have you ever let someone be your everything? Many, many years ago, I was that stupid.  Thank heaven I believe in learning from my mistakes.

Do you have any weird inside jokes? Some.  Mostly between me and my sister.

Could you go the rest of your life without a cigarette? Easily.  I’m allergic to cigarette smoke.

Is there anybody you’re really disappointed in right now? Yes.

Do you have alcohol in your house? A fair bit.  I’m out of port, though.  I should fix that.  And I haven’t bought any absinthe in a long while.  I should really fix that.

Have you ever wanted something you couldn’t have? Who the hell hasn’t?

Are you a morning or night person? Night, all my life.

What is your favorite color? Purple, though I’m generally pretty happy with anything dark and rich and jewel tone-ish.

It’s 4 in the morning, your phone rings, who is it? Likely no one I know.  (Otherwise, they’d know to text me instead.)

Have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend? Yes.

Has someone ever called you at midnight on your birthday? Not that I can remember.  I have been texted, though.

Are any of your friends virgins? One or two.

Has anyone got on your nerves today? I happened to meet a girl at this dinner thing, who could have if I’d let her.  

Has anyone told you they would never leave, and left? Not that I can recall.

Do you have a member of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? I’m not sure there’s anyone at all that I can tell everything to.

Did you kiss or hug anyone in the last 48 hours? No.

Are you usually early or late? I’m more likely to be early.

What’s annoying you? Nothing, at the moment.  I’m feeling pretty chill.

Do you have anything to pay off? Just got a doctor’s bill from when I got so sick, after Ireland.  That’ll be taken care of soon enough, though.

What are you wearing right now? My work uniform.

Do you know anyone that wants you dead? I’ve never had that impression, but there are a couple people I’d like to see drawn and quartered, as a matter of fact.

Do you believe that regrets are lessons learned? Often, yes.

First color name you can think of that isn’t in the rainbow. aubergine.

What timekeeping devices are in the room you are currently in? My laptop, my phone, my kindle, three work computers , and the clock on the wall.

What gaming consoles do you or your family own? I have a PS2.  Sky has... a bunch. I don’t know which ones.  Probably all of them.

What’s the best job you’ve ever had? The one I have now.

What’s the worst job you’ve ever had? I spent a few months being a telemarketer, some years ago.  

What email service do you use? Yahoo.

Is there anything hanging on the walls of the room you are currently in? Just motivational, informational work stuff.  My favorite is on the wall in font of me, just now.  It’s this poster with a bunch of guidelines for good guest service, with a pretty, smiling Asian girl off to the side sort of presenting the info, named Janet.  (So it says on her name tag.)  I have come to depend on Janet.  She’s a good egg, Janet is.  

(Working third shift makes you weird... er.)

Earliest moment in your life you can remember? Sitting on the floor in the apartment at Lincoln Village.  I was drinking coke from a glass bottle, and my dad was moving the new couch into the living room.  When I remarked on this memory, my Mom said I wasn’t quite 3, at the time.

What did you have for dinner yesterday? Salmon with a honey herb glaze I kinda made up on the fly, and couscous. How often do you brush your teeth? Twice a day.

What’s your favorite candy/chocolate? Turkish delight.  Or those fancy chocolates they sell at this one lunch place I know.

Have you had other blogs on Tumblr? Do you have any other blogs currently? I have a side blog for witchy things, and one I’ll mess about RP-wise with from time to time, one for writing.  There’s another I made on a low day, not long ago, I’ve been considering abandoning this blog in favor of,just to have a fresh start, but I’ve not been inclined to commit to that decision, yet.

If you were suddenly really hungry, what would you choose to eat? I’d probably make a sandwich or toast a bagel.

What fandoms would you consider yourself a part of? So, to be a “part” of fandom, do you have to hobnob with other fans?  Or can you just really like the Thing in question?  If it’s 1, I suppose Phantom of the Opera, Doctor Who, Marvel, and Star Wars.  If 2... Jeeze, too many to count.

What kind of position are you in at the moment? Sitting.

Do you wear much jewelry? Sometimes, though I don’t go piling it on.  

Furthest away from home you have ever been? Germany, I think.

How many times have you moved houses? Right around a dozen, if you count all the times my mom moved.  But I was one of those shared custody kids, so there was all this motion on one side, and stability (at least locationally speaking) on the other.

Who was the last person you had a conversation with on the phone? A woman from India calling about rooms.

Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex? Sure.

Has anyone said they love you in the last week? Sure.

Who was the last person to comfort you as you cried? Jade, I think?  It was back when my cat died.

Which friend are you most similar to? Probably Callie.  It can be scary when we get on the same wavelength X-D

Your ex calls wanting to hang out. What do you say? *click* Would you get back with your last ex if they asked you? See the above.

Have you kissed anyone whose name starts with a M? Yeah.

Would you kiss the last person who texted you, on the lips? No. X-D  

Camping with a ton of friends or hotel with a few friends? Hotel with a few. 

Have you ever kissed anyone who’s name starts with P, J, R, M, C, or D? I... don’t... think I’ve kissed anyone starting with D, but the rest, over the years, yes.

Do you think your ex will ever want to be with you again? I neither know, nor care.

Where would you rather live: England or Australia? England, probably.  I’m not a fan of extreme heat.

What’s your relationship with the last person you texted? My sister.  

When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? Oh, look, there’s me.  

Do you fall for people easily? Not remotely.

Do you ever wonder what your ex is up to? Not really, no.  I don’t make a habit of looking back.

Have you ever kissed someone who was drunk? Not seriously drunk, I don’t think.  Tipsy, though... probably at some point or another.

The nearest window to you now - what color curtains are on them? None, just pull-down blinds.

The shade of the color of your eyes can be described as: I dunno, man, they’re blue.  

When was the last time you drank alcohol? This evening I had a glass of champagne with dinner. 

At what age did you stop believing in Santa? I don’t think I ever really did.  I was under the impression I was supposed to, though, so I pretended to, so as not to disappoint the grownups.  I did things like that a lot, as a kid, actually.  Pretended to be what they expected. (Sometimes just to get by with the minimum amount of fuss, or out of spite, depending on the situation.  I tended to feel like, if they actually wanted to know what I was like they’d quit making assumptions and just... y’know... talk to me, instead of at me or about me.)

Do you own a wok? No.

Is there a particular type of music you really don’t like? I’m less than fond of most Country music,  and I’m not really into a lot of rap.  There are examples of both that I like, but mostly... enh.

Do you like going to weddings? Depends on the wedding.

What do you have on your toast? Lately, I usually use it to make sandwiches.  I keep thinking I should try this avocado toast thing the younger folk like so much, though.  It sounds pretty good.

Who was the last person you know who became pregnant? A work-friend who had to move away because of a complicated situation her husband left her in.

Beach, city, or mountains? Yes.

Do you have a stapler at your house? Nope.

Would you rather read a book or listen to an audiobook? Read, definitely.  

Which is larger - your book or dvd collection? At the moment, DVD, but that will slowly change now that I have room for my book collection to properly grow again.

What is the last spontaneous thing you did? Randomly decided to drive over to this cute little artsy, touristy town to look for a centerpiece for a necklace I was making and have a nice dinner, last week.

What is your middle name? Elizabeth.

What are you passionate about? Art, culture, books, learning, seeing the current regime go down in flames.

Do you have any fears? Who doesn’t?

What’s your sign? Pisces sun, Aquarius moon, Taurus rising.

Future names of your children: N/A

What are you listening to right now? Just the keyboard.

Do you believe in fate/destiny? Somewhat, but not to the extent that we don’t have free will.  We choose how we react to things, and that can create change despite whatever else is going on.

What are your career goals? World traveling writer, and ambassador to Faerie.

Have you ever had a near-death experience? Not as such.

Are you a procrastinator or do you get things done early? Little bit of both.

TV shows and anime you watch regularly. Pretty much everything I watch, I either marathon outright, or just watch off and on.

Halloween costume idea for this year? A scary fairy queen.

How much does your mother know about your sex life (or lack thereof)? Nothing, really.  She knows I’m bi, and that’s about it.

Do you enjoy watching cooking shows? Yeah, they’re okay.

Do you worry about gaining weight? Possibly just a bit.  I am working toward losing, just now.

Have you ever used fake tan? Fuck no.

Do you ever look at someone cute, and automatically make a move? No.  Cute isn’t enough.

How many times have you been to Walmart in the past week? Once.

Do you live in a house, apartment, or another type of arrangement? A house.

Are you kind of a loner? Do you like being alone? Gee, if I weren’t it’d make all those quotes I post about solitude and being an introvert kinda awkward...

Are any of your siblings married?  My stepsister is married to a guy who I apparently went to high school with.  He is continually offended that I don’t particularly remember him.  I think it hurt his pride.

Does your father have any creepy or scary friends you don’t like? Yeah, one.  His oldest friend is kinda sleazy.

What color are the walls in the room you’re in right now? Sort of parchment-y

Do you watch any shows that you know your parents wouldn’t approve of? I doubt it. It really wouldn’t matter, if they did.

Do you have any siblings who still believe in Santa, and are over age ten?Nah.

Something you really want right now? An omelette sounds nice...

If you could seek revenge on someone, would you? One or two, yes, indubitably.

Are you happy with the way things are going? Fairly.

Would you ever get a tattoo? Yes, I’d like to, actually.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? I rather doubt it.

What plans do you have for tomorrow? Visiting my grandfather at the old folks home.  Beyond that, I dunno.

What happened at 9:00 a.m. today? I was asleep.

Do you tend to waste a lot of money? I try not to, but I’ve slipped a couple times, this paycheck.

What did you last drink? Water.

Do you have trust issues? Yup.

Do you think this year will be better than the last? So far, it has been.

Are you a jealous person? No.  Jealousy’s fun to spice up a story, but irl, I detest it.

Do you think age matters in relationships? Sometimes, but not always.

Where will you be 2 hours from now? Still at work.

[victoriousvictoriajackson-blog]

February 23, 2018 - Oblivescence

I only got up because I wanted to try and change your mind again. It seems everyday for the past few years of High School I have been trying to paint clarity, mold interest, replicate passion. But it is like trying to do it with only black paint. Nonetheless, despite last night and what happened with my friends, and everything else I’m sure I’ll explain, I woke up at 6:31 in the morning (somehow I didn’t oversleep the entire morning, since my alarm failed) just to try again. 

By the end of the day, driving home with my mom, I realized I had failed everything. It was lunch time. I left without looking or telling my friends, and they hadn’t noticed despite being a few feet from me. Not until the end of lunch I received a phone call from one of them, the worst one of all, asking if I was OK. 

I have failed with everyone. I tried telling my dad about the IB program, how hard it is, how I have my tests coming up. Suddenly and very quickly he said “I have to go, I am at the store. I’ll I’ll call you later.” Like he always says, but never means it. I know I can’t read minds, I know I could be missing pieces of the story, but why do I always annoy him?

Then my mom. She’s heard me, she’s said so. But she never changes. I ask her to be thoughtful. I ask her not to drink anymore. Oh, it’s a part of her personality, who she is. I guess it never happened. I am just living the in the past. Being hit in the face starts to hurt less after a while, right? 

Biggest of all, because I am leaving soon and I couldn’t care less anymore about the stubborn entity that is my parents. 

People.

People are selfish, envious, insatiable, hedonistic. 

There are a few who are not, but I would estimate that less than .00001% of the world population is. The number changes depending on society’s age, culture, deaths and births, but it doesn’t get any higher than that number. I’m not included in that number. 

Yesterday, on Facebook, I received a message. It was in a group chat with all of my friends (6 of us on there, 8 in real life). Dell had just been officially kicked out of her house by her mom. I know Dell and her step-dad didn’t get along very well. She’s never met her real dad, or if she has and I just forgot he never makes an effort for her. And by doesn’t get along I mean that he (according to Dell), breaks her stuff, screams at her, forces her to get a job and more. In my opinion, there’s absolutely more to the story. There’s no way she comes home, does as she is told, and still gets kicked out. Here’s how the conversation went, exactly: 

Dell: so guys i actually got kicked out of my house and now i guess im homeless or something? idk where to go or what to do but i have some of my stuff in my car. I stopped by my uncles house for the internet but i actually am so worried right now

Olivia: oh my god, do you need a place to stay?are you okay?WHAT HAPPENED?!

Dell: i dont know. my dad wasnt home when i was there but my mom told me that i better find a friend because i cant live there anymorei dont know! i dont know where to go or what to do honestly. oh and apparently last night when i was downstairs my dad threw my phone on the hardwood floor so it shattered so i dont have that anymore

Olivia: Thats ridiculous! you are free to come here if you need a place to stay or anything! Oh my god! that is SO unfair! wtf!?

Dell: i really appreciate that! im just scared right now about what to do.

Olivia: of course, im really sorry. Where are you right now?

Dell:  my aunt and uncles house just so i could find internet. idk if im allowed to stay here tonight though

Olivia: oh geeze, thats horrible! especially with all the already-existing stress right now

Dell: Right?! college, and ib tests and now this on top?! its too muchhh

Olivia: yeah, ugh idk how i'd deal with that. Again, you're free to stay here (my house is small and messy but theres always welcoming space) and Im sure anyone in our friend group will let you stay too!

Sarah: Dell You can come to my house too! There's plenty of room, seriously. My address is 3403 D RoadDo you have clothes and stuff? Do you need someone to take you by your house tomorrow and help you pack? My mum can escort you cause she's scary and she'll make your mum let you in

Zoe: RIP Dell

LATER:

Me: DELL WHATWHATWHAT????!!!!!??Okay I have an idea !!! Help Dell fund where we all get jobs and support Dek :,( :,( :,(Also yes I am willing to help with anything of course. I am just so shocked they actually did that to you

Tully: Me too. That’s so ridiculous I can hardly believe it. You poor thing, you don’t deserve that at all!

Olivia: know! It's so ridiculous! We're all here for you dell!I know and this is the WORST time to do it like you said! I hope she responds again soon I am worried

Tully: Seriously!! And me too. I’m sure she’s just at her aunt and uncles and hasn’t checked the computer or whatever she was using to text us. But yeah, I hope she responds so we can figure out where she can stay for the night and all that. God, I still can’t believe this is really happening! It’s insane!!

Me: I know how do parents actually kick their kids out, especially Dell!! Dang is she like a secret drug dealer or something that we don't know about? I'm happy she at least has her aunt and uncle too!

Tully: I know!! It makes no sense!! Yeah, I’m glad she has them, and she has us too! But still, that is going to be really hard ugh poor Dell

So, eventually in our phone group chat, separate from the Facebook one (the phone one includes all 8 friends), the topic comes up again. Is Dell okay? Where is she, what ended up happening?

I text Claudia, the closest friend to Dell and second closest to Zoe. Tully and Olivia are new to the 4 crowd (5 if you count Sarah, but many times she is excluded as she’s not as liked anymore), so they aren’t nearly as close, but they still care a whole lot. I ask Claudia if she has heard about the drama. Claudia says that all she knows is that Dell is at Zoe’s house. She also says how left out she feels from information. 

Here’s the first problem #1. Zoe told Claudia, but not me, and not anyone else. That means that Dell, Zoe and Claudia all knew where Dell was, but not me. Instantly, i feel wayy more left out than Claudia says she supposedly feels. But it gets worse. 

I ask Claudia after a bit of complaining about how left out we both feel, not realizing the above, if I should let Tully, Olivia, Sarah and Isabelle know that Dell is OK. Claudia says something along the lines of “uhh I don’t know you know maybe we should ask”. So I say, OK, I will ask Zoe. 

Here’s my second problem #2. Claudia lied to me about feeling left out. Officially lied. I could be paranoid, but I seriously believe it doesn’t add up. 

I ask Zoe if I can tell our friends where Dell is. Zoe says a relatable joke, then replies with “No, she wants to remain mysterious.” 

Problem #3. I genuinely cared about Dell. The reason I wasn’t going to find out if she is OK was because she wanted to be “mysterious”? I guess I shouldn’t have cared nearly as much as I did, because she was actually feeding on that attention. 

Problem #4. If that is true, then the above problem applies, and I can honestly say I’ve related and felt that way. It is a TERRIBLE, ATTENTION thing. If it isn’t true, then it sure does sound like something easy to make up when you don’t have a good reason to someone you DON’T TRUST. 

So I reply “I’m definitely going to need clarification on that mysterious part lol”

Zoe says “because RIP Dell, y’know?” jokingly. Then she says, lengthily, how “she just doesn’t want anyone knowing where she is right now, but I am telling you because you special.”

Problem #5. She wasn’t going to tell me whatsoever. I am not special. She is complimenting me to make up for her guilt so that I still like her. 

Problem #6. If this is a “special” case, it can be officially confirmed that none of them trusted me OR liked/cared about me enough to tell me. Remember, I cared about Dell and was worried. 

So today I left because of that. The entire day I had avoided starting conversation, and would only reply when they talked to me first. Then, driving with my mom on the way home and the music on, over the bridge, I saw him. The guy I had gotten up just to see that day. I’d saw him earlier for a whole hour (never happens, we don’t have any classes together anymore, but we’re both in the same program). It was awesome, definitely satisfying. 

He knows how I feel, which I should also add. I know he looked at me twice but I don’t know how much more. And sometimes you can tell when someone just doesn’t know what to do with their body because you are around. He either hates me or doesn’t know what to say to me about how he feels. Of course, I am living on the idea that he is at least attracted to me (based on many past experiences as well). 

I saw him on the bridge with his sunglasses on and someone in the passenger seat (in the moment I thought it was his brother, but I never actually looked at the passenger’s face). Of course, he is the hottest thing when he literally does anything, even covering his face from me in class. 

But I felt like I had failed everything. I didn’t have him. I am probably delusional. No one favorites me in the friend group. I know it is partially my fault. I don’t ask to hang out with any of them one on one. But do I really want to? People are so selfish. I don’t want them to know anymore about me than they already do. 

I did ask him to hang out one on one last year, Junior year. He said sure, but it never went through because when i asked him the next day what he wanted to do (in real life, both times), he couldn’t say anything. He was with his friends, but he was definitely uncomfortable. Even angry. So I said “okay, see you later.” We haven’t talked one on one since then. 

But I have texted him. I want to say 3 times I initiated conversation on Instagram, since i didn’t have his number. He followed me first near the end of Junior year, when his friends made one for him. First, I messaged him a picture of a turtle, because I knew he liked them. Then, I reassured him I didn’t like his friend. He asked me “Okay, so who do you like??” Then, i replied “You! But it’s okay if you don’t feel that way. I was paranoid Kailey said something.” I never got a reply from him after that. 

Then 5 months later, he unfollowed me on Instagram. Of course I noticed the hour of. So I texted him again and it was emotional. I asked him casually “why have I been defollowfied?” And said, “i really regret ever saying anything. I just want to go back to normal.” Again, never got a reply.

The next day at school, he sent me video of him in Spanish, covering his ears. I thought it was funny and I replied with “that reminded me of the Vietnam war.” 

He asked “who is this?” 

I said “I am me, who is this?”

And he flipped me off. This time, I didn’t reply. I sent things and then removed them (which I am happy you can do) before he saw them. That was November. Now it is near the end of February. February 23rd to be exact. 

I woke up just to try again. This Monday, I will try again. This time, by passing by him 3 times in the hallway in the morning.