#i get high basically every single day bc i can't stand being mentally present
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#it's so fucking Exhausting be your own worst enemy#never get a fucking break#stuck with this stubborn mf 24/7/365#like am i really going to just be living Like This until i'm finally put out of my fucking misery one day huh#i keep everyone at arm's length at the closest#bc i never want to let anyone in enough to hurt me like everyone from my past did#i complain about being single but do literally fucking nothing to remedy that bc again i don't trust people#(which really in itself becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy)#i get high basically every single day bc i can't stand being mentally present#''getting better'' is such a nebulous concept with no firm goalpost that i just. really wonder if it's even possible#constantly told ''it gets better'' but i've yet to see any real tangible proof of that#it still feels like it only gets new kinds of worse never better#what's even the point of ''getting better'' if i still have to wake up every single fucking day in a capitalist soul-sucking hellscape#negative#honestly don't even know what i'm going to do once my cat dies bc lets be honest she's the only thing keeping me alive most days#and at absolute best she has maybe another 10 years so like. the clock is ticking isn't it
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