#i get so tired of these over powered often physical type abilities that leads have in fighting anime

[theskeletoninthegarden]

JJK rambling as someone who doesn't read the manga but if Itadori has natural power, unrelated to the Sakuna nonsense, that involves creating false memories in his enemies/allies/etc I'm going to yell

[kiame-sama]

Nen abilities I have given my reader characters and my inspiration/thought process behind creating them. Might have mild spoilers for my various series.

Manifesting Rage

Force of Nature: Specialist/Enhancer

A gambit style nen ability. It can only be used for extremes, either extremely weak or extremely strong, there is no in between. Like the storms and geo-weather patterns it influences, this nen is a force of nature. The only limiter on the unusual influence and strength of this nen is the user's humanity and conscience. The more humanity and conscience the user has, the stronger the nen shall be, but the likelihood of this nen being used goes down. Why make a storm that kills thousands when other means could reach a more peaceful end?

Inspiration: I wanted an ability that was rather powerful and perhaps even over powered but handicapped by the genuine care in the users heart for others and the value of life. This ability would be disastrous in the hands of Chrollo but is a testment to non violent confrontation unless completely necessary as it is serious to take a life and my general reader character in this series is motherly and values the lives of others. This value of life is the primary limiter of when or how reader uses their nen.

Night and Day

Home Is Where The Heart Is: Specialist

The user has Nen that changes their surroundings to their desires to take control of a building and get what they want from it as if the building itself were alive. Furniture will move, layout of rooms will change, the desires of the user are reflected in the building itself as if projecting the user's subconscious into the structure. This projection of the user's subconscious is a result of the user feeling vulnerable or unsafe, often leading to the building changing to hide the user away in an effort to protect them. The building reflects their comfort level and can become hostile towards others if present in the building. Best paired with a user who has a significant other that can act in that protector role and make them feel safe which brings comfort and soothes the hostile architecture.

Inspiration: a mixture of Monster House and my own interactions with overstimulation and panic attacks. When in a panic attack I often want to hide away from everyone and everything, to isolate and curl up in a corner to panic/sob. The subconscious would rule the building while the conscious part of the brain is in a vulnerable state. My panic attacks last hours unless I have something or someone to help me calm down, so the idea of having a living building protecting the user was quite appealing.

Bunny

Pocket Dimension: Conjuration/Transmuter

Able to store things- both physical and metaphysical- in a pocket like dimension for future use. Nen can be stores, items can be stored, energy can be stored. The stored material can be summoned by the user back to the material plane. Non-physical items cannot be used by user but need to be 'gifted'/passed onto another to use. This storage can be unintentional and occasionally automatic meaning even some unwanted items or substances will be stored until future use. Such unwanted items can be like fat in the body as well as nutrients and even some vitamins. Even energy is taken and stored, usually leaving the user rather tired or in a tired state as the energy their body produces is partially being stored.

Inspiration: I wanted to create the best companion type nen possible, and what is better for a companion to have than infinite storage where weapons and clothes can be kept with none of the added weight. Of course, I did have to add negative effects and parts because I didn't want it to be too op, but I liked the idea enough to hold onto it and it helps me explain why Bunny winds up having octuplets that are all genetically related to all three of their fathers.

28 Years

Ethereal Galaxy: conjuration

Used in limited ways to create/summon forth celestial bodies (stars/planets/meteors/ect) in miniature form around the user. These items are present so long as nen energy is being used. In extreme use can create a space-like area around user mimicking the appearance of a galaxy centered around user including the usual lack of gravity in space. This area of projection is dependent on focus and emotional state of the user.

Inspiration: 28 years reader has been trapped for over 28 years with only one window she can never reach despite how she tries. I thought it was only fair to let her have free reign over seeing galaxies when she can't even leave her cluster of rooms. Not a particularly powerful nen ability, but one meant to soothe regardless.

The Price of Freedom

Soul Stealer: Specialist

A collecting type nen that leaves the victim catatonic and effectively brain-dead. Requires a level of empathy from the user to understand the emotions behind the creation of outside nen. Takes the nen from other users, effectively stealing the other user's soul, and transfers those abilities to the user of Soul Stealer. Most victims of this nen die quickly upon losing their nen.

Inspiration: I wanted a nen ability similar yet opposite of Chrollo's. In the sense of how it leaves the victims, it is stronger than Chrollo's nen, but because I wanted a more parental behaving reader I decided that the nen should have more severe consequences for those it is used on and can't just steal the way Chrollo's nen does.

Sweet Death

Reaper: Specialist

Nen takes the form of an grossly deformed, stretched, and emaciated humanoid covered in a sheer black garb wielding two sickles. The entity will act as a protector and guardian to the nen user, shielding them from harm/danger at all times. Though independent physically from the nen user, the Reaper will not act on its own accord unless the user is in the direct path of danger.

Inspiration: As a child that was often bullied and labeled a 'weird kid' due to my- then undiagnosed- autism, I always longed for a protector of sorts. This ability is that protector who is like a guardian-angel but appears much more sinister than the typical 'guardian-angel' trope. An angel of death that protects and shields the user all while only interfering if truly needed.

Empathic Hearts

Empathic Transmission; Emission

The user's nen takes the user's emotions and turns them physical in a mist/fog around the user. Those who enter the mist are overcome with that emotion and can become incapacitated by that emotion if they are in the mist for too long. Physical contact with nen user has a similar effect of transmitting the user's emotions and physical sensations/injuries to the one touching the user. Any injury/physical sensation inflicted upon the user will be inflicted upon those touching the user as well.

Inspiration: I am on the emotionally sensitive side of autism and I often can tell when a person is in a low mood or even just low energy without being told. I wanted an ability that basically forces that empath feeling into a physical manifestation. Emotions are contagious (to an extent) and I toyed with the idea of the saying 'do unto others as you would like done unto you' which is where the shared physical injury/sensation comes from.

Little Spider: Little Spider has access to nen, but has never actually used the nen available to her, so she has never made an ability. Chrollo uses her nen like a tether to attach his own nen to her, effectively working as regular ten to protect her from Nen attacks and keep her nen contained. This tether allows Chrollo to keep track of his little spider (mostly) and gives him a sense of control over his beloved.

Inspiration: I did originally toy with the idea of an hourglass kind of nen that shows how much life a person has left, but it never seemed to really fit the way I wanted it to, so I decided this instead. It gives Chrollo a sense of control over his Little Spider all while protecting them.

[arrancxr]

Hi, thank you for answering my Aizen ask it shows me a very humanistic side to him which is awesome cuz i tended to really not like him in the past as well.

As for Grimmjow, I just wanted to know your opinion on his character, and i wanted to know like what would he be like if he grew to have interest in reader? how would he change? XDD I always found Grimmjow to be very badass yet kinda complicated cuz he seems to have his own set of moral standards and can even be pretty helpful sometimes. the fics i read mainly categorize him as 'that one flashy smug bad boy archetype' , and i've always wondered if there are other lines of interpretation for him too!

Yeah, “that one flashy smug bad boy archetype” is seriously not how I see him. XD Grimmjow has way more depth than that. 

With general characterization, to start, one issue I see a lot of is people characterizing him and Nnoitra very similarly, with Grimmjow just being the “good and also sexy” version of the violent aggressive asshole type. I’ve talked about it before, but there are big differences between them. 

Grimmjow fights because he wants to be strong and because he wants to survive. And those things go hand in hand. Grimmjow is aggressive and violent because for Hollows, that’s how you stay alive. He finds enjoyment and takes pride in battle because he’s showing that he’s there, he’s alive. and he won’t go down easily, no matter what the world he’s in throws at him. Grimmjow is an incredibly determined person who’s set his ultimate goal as living, and for Hollows, living means killing anything that wants to kill you first. 

And while Grimmjow is indeed impulsive and often reckless, he’s not stupid. He knows his limits, and while he does like to test them, he’s no fool. It takes some level of strategy and rational thinking to survive for as long as he has, after all, and that ties into the next point— when Grimmjow cares about someone, he’s protective. Even though it’s extremely reluctant (as attachments for this man tend to be), he really does love his Fraccion. Just the fact that he stuck with them until the end shows a massive amount of care from a Hollow perspective, and although he could never let himself show it, there’s no doubt that he mourned their deaths more than he wants to admit. 

The reality is that Grimmjow’s not so much “flashy and smug” as he is a survivor who wants to flaunt his success. He wants to prove to the world that he exists and that he’s going to keep living with all he has. What can be seen as smugness is pride in his power and his accomplishments, and what’s seen as a “bad boy” nature is the roughness and aggression that comes from surviving in a place like Hueco Mundo for as long as he did. 

Now, to detail how Grimmjow would behave if he came to care about a Reader character... 

The number one thing you can be sure of is that he’s protective. As mentioned before, Grimmjow wants to see the people he loves safe. He’s not smothering or coddling, but he has a strong desire to lead and protect those who he knows rely on him. With you, he’s something like a clingy cat. Once he gets used to the foreign thing that is affection, he wants more of it. Feeling some semblance of peace and security is all-new, as is having someone close to him who he doesn’t have to be strong around. Being able to let himself be weak and needy and tired is a shock, but it’s one that he needs. 

Grimmjow is also quite affectionate. He’s better at showing physical affection than he is using words or softer, more human means. It’s easier for him to cuddle up next to you and show how much he cares by burying his face against your throat and not even thinking of digging his teeth in. You’re soft and small and weak, and yet, you have so much power over him that he hardly knows what to do with it. He wants to see you happy— and even more so, pleased with him. When the person he adores takes pride in his power and ability to protect, Grimmjow is at his happiest. It gives him a sense of security to have a stable relationship where he’s both taken care of and able to do the same. He mellows out a lot around you (although only around you), coming to understand that it’s okay to let his guard down with someone who won’t hurt him for it. 

Lastly, unlike popular opinion, Grimmjow would be very gentle with a lover or close friend. He’s not very good at gentle, but he’s trying, and he wants to learn. He wants to be able to give the same soft things to you that you’ve given to him. He wants to be an equal partner to you and adapt to this new way of living the same as he did the first time. He trusts you above all else.

[probably-haven]

How Visions Work(Theory)

genshin spoilers

there’s a lot of headcanons about the effect of visions on the body temperature of the characters with pyro or cryo visions but a lot of them stop there an i want to propose we take it one step further

so the general agreement is that pyro users run hot and cryo characters run cold but imma take a moment to talk about the science of that real quick.

if something feels warm, its because the object is expelling heat from itself to its outside environment(itself losing warmth) if something feels cold, its because it’s absorbing and taking the heat from the outside environment into itself(itself gaining warmth)

which actually matches up pretty well with how i believe their visions work which ill cover before getting into what i think that means

pyro visions work by absorbing the users body heat and before then expelling it into the environment when they wish to use it. When the vision reaches what is essentially its max storage capacity, it resumes working at normal, absorbing heat from the user until it’s used, but at this point it stabilizes, because the pyro energy built up within begins overflowing into the nearby environment, a majority of it returning to the user to keep their body temperature from getting too dangerously out of wack. But by passing through the vision, the body heat is converted into pyro energy and made more intense, so the surplus tends to linger around the user, hence the heat that can be felt when touching or around them. the user can then use their powers with either the pyro energy stored in the vision, or that which still lingers around them. 

cryo visions on the other hand work in a bit more of a complicated manor. like pyro visions and other visions, most of the energy that they get is from interaction with the user, in this instance, steadily taking heat from the environment that would have naturally have been observed by the vision had it been any other inanimate object and passing in through the vision and into the user, the process creating of the heat leaving the vision creating cryo energy, a sort of anti-heat vaccuum-like substance, which once it reaches it’s max, overflows in a way similar to the pyro vision, leaking into the nearby environment, helping to balance the user’s body temperature while the remainder lingers around them, absorbing heat from the environment. the user can then use the energy stored in the vision(less than pyro because more steps means less room) or that which still lingers around them (more because less room means more over flow), plus they need more surplus in order to balance cuz their temperature is more volatile

visions do however possess the ability to begin expelling energy early should the user’s body temperature become too dangerous, an ability that is missing from delusions of the corresponding element

-

this leads me to have a few headcanons that i really like because im obsessed with angst

1. contrary to what you might believe, after using a significant amount of their powers, Pyro users are are absolutely cold to the touch(cuz the lack of surplus energy leaves nothing to disguise or raise their low body temperature as the constantly absorbing heat to refuel) and Cryo users feel hot (the lack of surplus energy doing nothing to disguise or lower their high body temperature as the vision is constantly having to expel surrounding heat into the user in order to refuel cryo energy)

2. however during this state they are also the least likely to leave behind traces of elemental energy(like those that can be seen with elemental sight) 

3. this cycling of energy actually makes a vision behave more like a part of the user that also serves its own role in maintaining homeostasis (makes it so losing a vision is quite literally comparable to losing an organ)

4. until the vision has enough stored energy for surplus to linger, Cryo users are prone to over heating and Pyro users are prone to the opposite

5. this rapid and common changing of internal body temperature also tends to weaken their immune systems

6. the lingering surplus of energy is also more easy to manipulate than the stored energy, so while it lingers, it has a tendency to be easily influenced by the user’s emotions. 

7. yes this means accidentally freezing and setting things on fire during emotional extremes, or more subtle effects for those that are less extreme

8. in dragonspine, Cyro users are actually weaker but healthier. The lack of heat to cycle through their vision and body means less cryo energy is created, but less heat is there to build up in their bodies

9. Pyro users on the other hand- are in real big danger, unless they made sure to have large amounts of elemental energy before hand. They take longer at the torches they like because they need every bit of heat to raise their naturally low temperature and to make more pyro energy to both light the next torch, and to constantly have enough surplus that it doesn’t just steadily drain all the pyro they have. 

10. a lot of the pyro users are overly energetic and active and move around alot, which is known to raise body temperature, and whould help with this, then there’s hu tao who while energetic is not all that active, but i think her job of “guarding the border” makes her more tolerant of the low body temperature. similar to yanfei’s constitution as an adeptus. Bennet is energetic but doesn’t move around quite as much and all, but... his luck is bad enough that he just thinks everyone feels like/has to deal with that. and Diluc- we’ve all seen the fluffy jacket. Klee constantly setting grass on fire and otherwise being hyper. Amber, gliding champion of mondstad, “i feel like running” Amber. Yoimiya is pretty active and works around fire. I dont have Xinyan so i dont know for sure in her case but i assume it fits the bill. 

11. as for cryo characters- Qiqi is a zombie and Ganyu is half adeptus, different constitution. A lot of the characters are or try to be more calm and level headed, known for being kind of “slackers” to use kaeya’s words, though by this i mean they dont do excessive physical activity outside of training and that which is necessary. Diona is a bartender, often staying in one place, the opposite of pyro, keeping her body temperature down. Ayaka rarely leaves the kamisato estate. Chongyun is complicated- more on him later. Rosaria known for shirking her church duties and being basically lazy, the same as Kaeya. And Eula- i actually dont have an explanation- maybe just... the training to endure- like that one test where you have to walk through dragonspine all fancy without being thrown off. 

now as for Chongyun

him with his popsicles and yang energy, needing to maintain a cool body temperature at all times as a result of his constitution 

i mentioned a failsafe of visions, where should their users’ body temperature lean to dangerously to any one extreme, the vision will begin releasing the stored elemental energy early.

Chongyun’s however doesn’t store energy at all, instead immediately expelling all cryo energy it makes as soon as it forms so it can immediately absorb any dangerous body heat that Chongyun was exposed to in it’s making. This means that the surplus energy(the type more likely to be accidentally manipulated by emotions) around Chongyun is more than most other cryo users would have.

however, the balance is really fragile because his temperature is kept from getting out of hand almost entirely by his vision so external factors are extremely dangerous, as there is a still a cooldown between the transfer of heat the release of cryo energy- so unexpected sources of heat can cause a rapid rise in already fragile temperature that runs its course and wreaks havoc on the childe before the cryo energy is able to balance it out- and the problem is- with the surplus being easily manipulated by emotions, the sudden rise in temperature has a tendency to activate it, using it up and leaving him without a source of temperature regulation, which only worsens the problem. at which point the vision probably begins storing cryo energy until theres enough built up to reset his body temperature in one go- which usually ends with him passed out.

anyways i had a lot more planned to write but if i kept going i fear how long it’d get- i just think it has potential to evolve into a lot of cool things and theories for how the world works, and reflect the archons..... let me explain that-

so assuming anemo energy is created bey absorbing and then renewing the oxygen in the user’s blood, as opposed to dangerous body temperatures, it tends to have an anemic affect on their wielders, hence why all the anemo vision users have this tired air to them, Xiao’s... Xiao-ness- he just looks exhausted, Jean’s constant exhaustion that totally isnt made any better by her workload, Kazuha’s general calm relaxed disposition, and sucrose’s general demeanor- idk i just think anemo vision wielders give off anemic vibes, until they have enough surplus for the taken oxygen to replenish

except for venti- who doesn’t actually use a vision, who is literally a wind sprite, made of air- always running around and being all energetic- because he doesn’t face these problems- if anything he has extra energy and air to use. He’s basically the opposite. (windrise may have some weight in this-)

which means other archons may model this-

im not sure about geo but with electro

assuming that the constant transfer of electricity through the user’s body would eventually have a frying effect that shortens their lifespan over time(an idea largely inspired by Lisa’s voice line on visions and other theories on it) then Baal’s steady eternity serves as another opposite to this and yet pursuing eternity it becomes odd that she would give visions at all, so i feel archons must get some benefit from giving visions or she wouldn’t have done it-

but anyways imma stop now- hopefully someone found this interesting and runs with it, but if not it makes sense too

... actually geo might have something to do with an erosion-like metaphor, similar to what was brought up in the azdaha fight

still thinking about hydro tho, and im not even gonna bother with dendro

....

..... can you tell that I kin Sucrose and Albedo yet? It’s not even funny istg it’s becoming a problem .... actually scratch that i have a dark sense of humor, its kinda pretty funny

[burnedbyshoto]

(i won’t say) i’m in love

― Bakugou’s feelings for you are true, but he can’t seem to utter those three words no matter how much he wishes to. ―

pt 2

⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆

pairing: bakugou katsuki x reader

warnings: fluff, angst, cursing, alcohol mention, bakugou katsuki is bad at feelings

word count: 6,625

a/n: this was supposed to come out yesterday but I sort of got lazy and didn’t want to edit. anyways, I hope you enjoy, stories like this one are always fun to write and if you’re the anon who requested that bakugou thing like... a week ago, this was inspired by you.

⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆

The first time that Bakugou really noticed you was during the final year at Yuuei. 

Three years of vigorous and intensive academic and heroic work at the esteemed high school had led him to this very moment. While Bakugou was not the intensive hothead he once was when he was sixteen, he was definitely still hotheaded at the prime age of eighteen. With the end of the school year approaching, heavily enforced by the fact that a crowd of third-year middle schoolers had just left campus with hopeful and tired expressions on their face, he was grumbling while making his way back to his classroom.

For the practical part of their final, they were paired off to handle some insane over the top final as always. If Bakugou knew any better, he would be paired off with someone lame like Mineta or some shit. How he missed the days the teachers thought him and that damn nerd couldn’t get along enough to pass tests together… they had been paired up so often that first year - on top of finally establishing proper respect and an unadmitted friendship - it had led them to become an unbeatable force.  

While Bakugou climbed the stairs after his loudly chattering classmates, he was sunk in his thoughts about who he would be with. Bakugou was versatile, and while he was often a pain to work with, he worked well with just about anyone. ‘Who hasn’t he worked with yet?’ he thought, his fingers fisted in his pockets while they gathered onto the floor where their classroom was located. 

“MINA AGAIN?!” was the first noise to break through the aimless chatter to hold truth and knowledge. 

Bakugou looked at Kaminari and Mina, who were both holding each other and crying. 

Every single final, they had been paired up together, each time facing off the principal to be utterly demolished. Bakugou snickered at the thought of them failing the practical final for the nth time again.

“Looks like I’m with Todoroki!” Kirishima pointed out, his hand waving at the half and half bastard who was also seeking him out. 

They had three weeks until final exams took place, and the fact that they were announcing the teams this early definitely sat the slightest bit uneasy with Bakugou. And with his attention back onto the role list, Bakugou found himself praying that Deku’s name was next to his. If there’s anyone left who wouldn’t hold him back, it would be him.

“Bakugou!” a voice yelled, and Bakugou looked away from the list to see you walking over with a wave of your hand. “We’re paired up!”

Just like that, Bakugou realized that during his three years here, he had never once been paired up with you, and his lips turned into a frown. Interesting.

“You’re not busy right now?” he didn’t even wait for you to confirm his thoughts, “Let’s go, the TDL should be free right now.” Bakugou practically commanded, uncaring that you were definitely not in clothes to be doing anything physically demanding. 

“I needa change! I’ll meet you there in ten minutes!” was your unaffected response and Bakugou’s eyes narrowed when Kirishima jabbed him in the ribs, his eyes telling him to play nice.

“Tch. Fine, just don’t take forever.”

By the time you had returned to the TDL, Bakugou was still warming up, his hoodie pulled up to help his cold ears while he stretched.

“I don’t think we’ve ever been paired up or teamed up before!” you called out while stretching your arms above your head. “You think they kept us apart for so long for that very reason?”

“Like hell I would know,” Bakugou grumbled, refusing to look at you while you finished up your warm-up routine, by the looks of it you had run from the dorm here; that was a good enough warm-up. “I don’t know what kind of crap they’re going to try and pull on us at this exam, but I want you to let you know that you better not fuck this up,” he stood up, his hands rotating in circles, relieving the built tension in his wrists while he stared at you for the first time. His calm gaze meeting your strong one. “I plan on walking out of here with a perfect score.”

A smile spread on your face while you nodded, “I plan on it, too.”

Pleased with your response, Bakugou’s lips quirked into a smirk, his stance lowering immediately, and he watched while you readied yourself. 

“Ready?”

“Come at me.”

~

Bakugou sat on the floor, his eyes wide with his shock and personal embarrassment. 

The practical final exam had been a fear-induced, villain crawling, pro hero gone bad filled nightmare. A test designed with the help of Support Course students and a teacher who generated physical and real items based on whatever she thought had caused a most horrendous scene for Bakugou and you. It was then that Bakugou realized why both of you had been paired up - your fears were one and the same.

Failure, rejection, not being enough. 

While both of you had been so good in the beginning, powering through every obstacle at alarming power and speed, there had been a hitch in the road right before the finish line. When a ‘villain’ took on the form of All Might and blamed him for this downfall that society knew. He had thought he was long past breaking over that, he believed that it was something he had healed over two years ago. This faux All Might carried himself just like the retired hero, changing between his big form and the small one, his words and accusations dropping like boulders on him with every broken whisper that passed his lips. Unlike you, Bakugou wasn’t able to fight this terror, wasn’t able to beat the thing that still tripped him up.

The loud ringing in his ear wouldn’t quit while he fell down, his breathing short and scattered. He couldn’t hear your screams while you were battling your own opponents while All Might drew closer to him.

His fault, this was all his fault.

But a bright light exploded across the room, and Bakugou eyes felt heavy while you threw him onto your back and took off. His last exam ever, and just like his first one, it finished with him being carried across the finish line, but where the first one still felt like a victory, this felt like a complete failure. 

“Bakugou!” you exclaimed, your hands finding his pale, clammy cheeks in your hands while the victory tune carried lightly in the background. “Bakugou, can you hear me?!”

Of course, he could hear you, he wanted to snap as his body instinctively wished to push off his insecurity with anger. But his tongue was too heavy in his mouth, his eyes merely focusing onto your terrified face. You had taken a blast in the face earlier, and the bruising swollen lip you had was an indicator of the failure you came across. 

“Hey, hey, you’re okay!” you reassured, your smile spreading wider, brighter on your face, your calloused fingers rubbing softly against his face. “You’re okay! It was fake, remember!”

“It wasn’t fake, though,” Bakugou heaved, his fingers trembling with his grief and suffocating anger while he shoved your hands from his face. “It wasn’t fake. I’m the reason fucking All Might is gone, why the world fell into chaos! You were there that day, weren’t you? The day I was taken from the fucking forest.”

Your eyes widened from the statement, but Bakugou couldn’t blame you for that. No one but Deku, Aizawa, and All Might knew about these feelings. Still, the emotions that sat heavily on his throat seemed to pierce themself further into his throat while you very obviously thought about the circumstances of that fateful night three years ago.

“How was it your fault you were taken?” you asked, your head tilted, arms folded across your chest. 

Bakugou’s eyes widened, not at all expecting you to care or even try to calm him down. There was no point for you to either; it wasn’t as if you two were close after all. 

“I was a fucking dick back then,” Bakugou grumbled, his head turning to the side his gaze refusing to look at you. No one had ever questioned his thoughts on this statement, everyone had always left it at that.

“You’re still a fucking dick,” you half teased half spoke truthfully, and your body sank to the floor, sitting before him with a tilted curious head. “A lot of people are dicks, but that doesn’t mean dicks are targeted by villains. I mean look at Endeavor, he was sort of a flaming dick back in the day, but he’s a hero.”

“But it’s different, I was barbaric to the point where they tied me up during the sports festival,” Bakugou reasoned, his gaze turning back to you, and was slightly shocked (not that he would show it) to see annoyance in your eyes.

“Yeah, and that was total bullshit of them to do!” you exclaimed, pushing a hand onto his grenade gauntlet. “There was no reason for them to do that for you, you didn’t think you won, and they should have just let you be. Giving you a medal like that was completely idiotic of them. Should you have behaved like that? No, you shouldn’t; it was childish and dumb of you, but they’re also the adults… they should have known better before strapping you up like a rabid dog in front of the world.”

“Wha-?”

“I get that we’re not… close friends Bakugou, but if you think that the League capturing you in an attempt to make you cross sides was your fault, which would lead to Kamino… I mean, it did lead to All Might losing his ability to use his quirk and all, but this has nothing to do with you,” you affirmed, your eyes deadly serious but with a type of kindness that Bakugou wasn’t used to. “You were trying to make a name for yourself in this competitive field, and you did! I mean… don’t let this inflate your ego anymore than it already is-”

“Hah?!”

“-But you’re someone to fear. You’re strong and capable, and from everyone who was shown in that sports festival, you were definitely the one to watch. But it was the adults who fucked up that day, they’re the ones who ultimately set the scene in painting you like a deranged loose canon - which you are at times, but you’re not evil. The League thought you were that way, and I’m sure there is no doubt in All Mights eyes about what he did for you. You were someone who needed to be saved, and All Might is the world’s number one hero for a reason: self-sacrifice. It could have been you, me, or even the grouchy pork bun lady down the street - he would have given it all to save. Don’t even get me started on the fact that Japan became too comfortable with All Might and held him to the status of a god and not a human that he is… so… yeah, I’m not good with this kind of stuff, but I want you to know that this isn’t your fault. You’re in the story as to why he lost his ability to use his quirk, but All Might’s will carries on in all of us, especially in you, so unless you give up, he’ll never truly be defeated.”

It was at this moment that Bakugou finally saw you.

The way that you had been exceedingly kind and ever so gentle with him. Your words rang heavily in his ears, and a heavyweight felt freed from his shoulders the more he digested your words. He wasn’t sure when your hand began to hold his, but while he looked down at his gloved hand, he let out a shaky breath at the sight of your hand in his. 

“You’re pretty amazing, Bakugou, please don’t forget that,” you smiled, nothing but sincere truth on your tongue, and finally standing up, you looked down at him. “Well, it’s time to see how we fared, yeah?”

But there was something different in the way that his hands sweated. He knew that his hands were always perspiring. There was a normalcy to the nitroglycerine sweat that his hands emitted without a single thought, but the tightness to his stomach and the way that the sweat poured nervously from his palms made him realize that no, this was different. But what exactly? His stomach flipped at the still and happy appearance on your face, and a shadow of realization flooded through him… oh no… he knew why, but he knew he shouldn’t believe it.

He couldn’t.

With a sigh, he pushed off the floor, standing beside you, a smirk daring to pull at his lips at the way that your eyes traveled up in your surprise to his height and closeness.

“Let’s go.”

⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆

“Watch where you’re fucking running, dunce face!”

“I was watching!”

Bakugou’s head snapped over to your giggling face while you lay on your own towel a few paces away from him. Today was Mina’s birthday, and instead of going to a restaurant for a birthday celebration like any average person, she had decided she needed to tan. How someone who was pink could tan was beyond Bakugou, but while he had no intention of hanging out with his old classmates on his day off, Kirishima had asked him to go for him. That wasn’t enough, so when Kirishima had included that you were apart of the group that was going, Bakugou considered it for about ten minutes before finally agreeing - but he would never say it was because of you. 

So here he was practically babysitting a bunch of nineteen-year-olds while he lounged under the sun’s hot rays. He needed to get rid of the funky tan lines on his body.

“What are you laughing about?” Bakugou grunted, his eyes narrowing at your figure, which was relaxed against the soft towel you were using as a blanket of sorts. “I’ll kill you.”

“I’m sure you could,” was your smooth response, your head adjusting on your arms to look at him easier. “I just think you should rub your sunscreen in better, Sero did a horrible job at applying it on your back. Unless, of course, you want a penis tanned on you.”

“Why the hell would I want a fucking penis on my back?!” Bakugou growled, his hand grabbing his SPF 100 sunscreen and slapping a handful onto his back. 

He heard you push off the sand ground and felt you stop behind him, and Bakugou froze when your warm fingers pressed against your back. “You’re a bit helpless at this sort of stuff. I figured you’d be the type to carry around a stick of sorts so you could apply it to yourself with no issue.”

“I don’t come to sunbathe ever,” Bakugou countered, his ears lightly burning at the feeling of your hands rubbing the sunscreen against his paler back. “I’m typically covered from head to toe.”

“Oh, I am more than aware of that,” you sagely nodded, pulling away when you were done to fall back onto your towel with a grin when he finally turned to look at you. “Still, you’re a big enough nerd to do it.”

Bakugou’s jaw dropped at the accusation, his eyes narrowing and his defenses on high alert, “The hell?! I’m not some damn nerd!”

“You graduated third in the class, unlike the cool kids who graduate ninth in the class,” you teased, your class ranking lower than his but still nothing to be ashamed about with who was in their class.

“That doesn’t make me a nerd, just makes me smarter than you damn idiots!”

“You’re the only person who flosses every day, always eats healthy foods, probably rivals Midoriya in hero trivia, listens to everything authorities say, never broke a rule or got detention, and sleeps at eight p.m.”

“How is any of that nerd shit? Just sounds like I’ll live longer and be better! Besides, how you know all that shit, you sound like some creepy stalker.”

A glint of amusement sparked in your eyes before you slipped on sunglasses, leaning down onto your towel with a proud grin on your face. “I have a strange fascination with nerds, sorry to disappoint you.”

Blinking in disbelief, Bakugou shook his head, settling back onto his own towel with a snort, “You’re a bigger asshole then I thought you were.”

“I hide it very well behind this pretty smile,” you flash a disgustingly pretty smile his way, and Bakugou rolls his eyes again.

“So… uh, how have things been for you at your agency?”

Bakugou would then find himself having a rather informative conversation with you. The both of you trading stories of how it was to work as a legit hero now, to no longer have to think of UA’s reputation or the fear that taking action in stressful situations would cause their learning licenses to be removed. He was also quick to discover that he really enjoyed talking with you, his often limited conversation energy never feeling drained as he continued talking.

Stories were shared, snarky comments exchanged, which left both him and you in laughter until the party of two became more.

He could barely keep a hold on his fake annoyment when both of you were being hauled into the cold ocean water, your loud shrieks as Mina tackled you into a crashing wave, making him grin as he quickly tore off Kaminari and Sero from his arms. That is until you reappeared from under the water to take him entirely off guard and tackle both of you into the water, your screams loud in his ear.

When he emerged from the salty water looking akin to a wet dog, everyone froze up in their poorly concealed concern and fear: this was war.

It had been a fun day at the beach, even if Bakugou had a hard time admitting to it, but as the sun set, the hot summer day fading into a warm summer night, and they all sat around a bonfire Bakugou felt as if the sun was still beating down on his tan skin. There was no reason for the explosive warmth invading his skin except that you were huddled at his side, your attention on the others. At the same time, you playfully fought with them, your eyes occasionally falling on him in hopes of a verbal back up. 

He agreed with you every time, growing more and more pleased with the fact that your eyes glimmered with great joy and how the others booed and disagreed until finally, they had to go.

“I miss hanging out with you,” you admitted when you all piled into the car, exhaustion sitting heavy on all of you after a good but long day.

Bakugou’s heart skips a beat, and he licks his lips, nodding slowly, not wanting to let you see how he was coloring in his embarrassing agreement.

“Yeah, whatever,” he looked at your still smiling form, letting him know you didn’t buy his statement even for a second. “...I do, too.” And the smile that consumed your face nearly killed every willpower he still had left.

It was then that Bakugou had to admit that he never thought he would have to consider.

He liked you.

⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆

“Bakugou is that you?!”

Bakugou had been going home. Dressed up in a formal suit, he thought he would be unrecognizable and left alone with his head hanging low and earbuds in, but he guessed no matter what, the laws of having earbuds in went ignored.

Today had been hard. Today had been the day of the funeral to one of his colleagues who had perished in a black market raid he and the agency he worked at had embarked on. It had been a perfect raid, something that hailed his name in the spotlight for quite some time, but it was for naught because a friend of his had died. Those who had been close to his fallen friend were forced to take the rest of the day off and get okayed by the agency’s psychiatrist before resuming duty. It wasn’t something Bakugou wanted to follow; after all, crime didn’t take a day off, but he had no choice (he had been threatened with more days off, and stupid Deku had pulled him away before a real scene could emerge).

But he felt weird in this get up, the suit just felt strange on his body, too nice, too formal for the lifestyle he held. Why it was inappropriate to show up to a funeral in your hero attire was beyond him. As it was midday, Bakugou had hoped that he wouldn’t have to see anyone on the train back to his province, but to his dismay, even with the classical music blasting in his ears, he heard someone yelling. 

He turned his head slightly and paused when he saw you running towards him with a bunch of paper in your arms, your face sweaty from what he assumed was exhaustion.

“You’re looking handsome!” you chirped, sighing heavily when you stumbled to his side, your cheeks pinched into a genuine smile. “Why you all dressed up for?”

“A funeral,” was Bakugou’s dry response, and your smile quickly fell off your face, a flustered and mortified look replaced the smile, and if it had been any other situation, Bakugou would have barked in laughter.

“Holy shit, I’m so sorry!” you awkwardly state, your condolences heavy on your face and quickly emitting from your tongue while you bowed in your embarrassment. “I didn’t remember that Slingshots’ funeral was today.”

Bakugou’s jaw tightened at the name, his head nodding with a stiff shoulder, “Not a big deal, he’s been gone for a few days now.”

Your eyebrows knit together, your eyes looking at him concernedly before you shook your head, “Doesn’t really matter, it’s still the death of a friend of yours.”

Bakugou shrugged again, his hands moving out to grab half the stack of papers in your hands and holding them for you. He always remembered his dumb nerd friends telling him that it was a kind act to do for people you liked, Kirishima always raved about how it worked for him at least.

“Well, um… Kirishima told me that you moved into the building across from mine! How crazy is that?!” Bakugou knew immediately that you were changing the subject for him, something he truly and deeply appreciated because he was not ready to talk about his feelings about Slingshot - well, at least not in public. Damn paparazzi always seemed to catch his most embarrassing moments.

“Kirishima’s telling you that shit about me?”

“Oh yeah, Kirishima loves to gossip all about your life,” you state matter of factly, your head tilting with a wink. “I know all your dirty little secrets Bakugou Katsuki! We have a class group chat where Kirishima and Midoriya spill all their knowledge on you.”

Bakugou wasn’t precisely sure how false that statement was; all things considered, he knew those damn idiots would do something like that should the old class actually want information on him. Sighing, he nodded towards the train that pulled up to the station, and the two of you climbed on, taking the first two available seats together.

“What’s my biggest secret, then?” Bakugou decided to play along, his head resting on the train window, his eyes falling onto your softly smiling form with shielded amusement.

A shit-eating grin grew magnificently against your face, and Bakugou almost regretted asking because you leaned in close, your lips whispering to his ear despite the empty train cart, and uttered something that sent horrified dread through his veins. 

“You’re one of three owners of the super exclusive and rare All Might Bronze Age trading card.”

“HOW THE FUCK DID YOU KNOW THAT?!”

“OH MY GOD, IT’S TRUE!!!”

Embarrassment blazed on Bakugous face while you continued to laugh, your hands holding your papers flat against your body while you shrieked for air. He rolled his eyes despite it all and just stared at your snorting form since you failed to recompose yourself at what was your lying attempt to disillusion him and worked. 

It had been seven months since Mina’s birthday, and since that fateful day, his feelings for you had only grown more extensive and more real. He could never admit it to anyone, but he texted you nearly every day - the days where there was no communication would often come from your end of the conversation or because one of you had an extremely exhaustive day at work. 

He watched how the soft winter sun shone through the clouds, piercing through the window to brighten the color of your eyes, making them look even warmer and more delicate in his opinion. How he was never interested in you during high school was beyond him. You were - on a personality level - identical to when you were in high school, he had confirmed that suspicion of his with Mina, who had been appalled on your behalf that he hadn’t noticed you before. It was times like now that he regretted it, he wondered if he would have felt the same way as he did right now back then. 

He hadn’t exactly changed much at all either, so he figured he would have liked you back then too.

You were witty, sweet, kind, but no pushover. You had helped to ease his worries and anxieties in a single night, where professionals failed to do so in years. It made no sense to him why it was this way, but as you asked to listen along to the music he played, he slipped off one earbud and handed it to you with sweaty fingers. 

You graciously accepted it with a broad and exciting grin while placing it into your ear, your amused groan making his heart flutter with warmth while you complained about his old folk music selection.

“I still don’t peg you as a Beethoven guy!” you exclaimed, your head swaying in time with Symphony No. 9. “I thought you were a Led Zepplin sorta man.”

“That shits bad for your brain, you have to keep your entire body healthy or you might as well die off like some shitty extra.”

“You really think you’re some main character in this world, don’t you?” you ask, your smile teasing and your eyes so warm and smooth Bakugou felt his heart stop with just your stare. He licked his lips, his mouth feeling dry, and his hands that usually never stopped sweating felt dry when he placed them on his lap. 

“I’m the main fucking character,” he corrected with a smug smirk. “Don’t you dare fucking forget it.”

He would never say it, but his favorite sound and sight in the world became this moment right now, the hardworking city fading in the background and even his music fading into nothing while your hands pressed to your mouth, and a charming giggle escaped your mouth. 

“I won’t.”

He won’t admit it, but when you hugged him later that day as a means of goodbye, it took every ounce of self-restraint to keep himself from tilting you backward and kissing the lights out of you.

⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆

Bakugou was in trouble.

It wasn’t anything that warranted immediate concern or any type of life-ending trouble (although his heart was hammering so fast he thought it could be life-ending), but he was in trouble. 

His hands were clenched together, and his head was down while he listened to Jirou and Mina screaming some sort of punk-pop duet that was in English together. It had been over a year since the train incident, a year for Bakugou to shift through his feelings for you and what they meant and if they were meant to be pursued. It was weird for him to have waited this long to begin with. He was a man of acting quickly and thinking later, a fatal flaw of his if he would, but you were so different to him - a situation where he couldn’t behave like some hot head or else he would regret it.

Today was Kirishima’s twentieth birthday, and he had wanted a simple stay in party with everyone, a shit ton of alcohol, and a karaoke machine. It was to no surprise that it was a party that the entire class 1-A ended up showing up, each and every one of them ready to have fun with the drinks and karaoke machine. But as he watched you up there doing the stupidest poses (alongside seven others) known to mankind while singing some diva song, something hit him.

His once amused smile melted off instantly when you smiled widely, your head tilting backward into a peal of laughter when Aoyama knocked you straight into Hagakure and Mina. 

He was in love with you.

He was in fucking love with you.

That was a problem! That was not okay!

He had gotten up from the crowded bedroom (something you had insisted they perform in to really push that karaoke room feeling). He walked into the living room, a harsh comment about how he needed some fresh fucking air being thrown behind him while he slammed the door shut. No one questioned him, and the party continued. 

A part of him was relieved that neither Kirishima nor Deku followed after him, he didn’t really wish to be a damper to the party even though he sure he was one right now. But what he didn’t expect was for your body to slip out of the bedroom door, beads of sweat rolling down your face while you met his gaze.

You smiled broadly, walking over with a wave before flopping onto the couch.

“It was too hot in there, I was sweating like a goddamn pig,” you exasperate, your hands fanning your face for added coolness. 

How Bakugou wished he was that half and half bastard so he could help you cool down.

“I think you’re sweating more than a fucking pig,” Bakugou pipped in, giving his unneeded opinion.

You chuckled, your lightly sweating forearm smacking his side while you chuckled, “Yeah, true. I’m sweating like you right now.”

“You’re an asshole,” Bakugou grunted, his eyes shifting to look at you.

Despite his harsh words, he was looking down at you with no malice in his gaze. Breathing heavily out of your nose, you pushed off the couch and sat on it properly, looking at your best friend with a grin.

“And why are you out here exactly? Kiri wants to sing a song with you, Midoriya, and Todoroki like really badly.”

“Well shitty hair can come ask me to sing a song with him and those idiots if he wants, I’m not going back in that disgusting room until I have to.” Bakugou waves off, his thighs shifting against the soft couch and his arm falling on the sofa behind your head.

“Don’t be a party pooper!” you groaned, your hands shoving his side softly, but your smile remained on your face. “What’s eating you up? Come on, you can tell me anything, ya know!”

Bakugou freezes a bit, those words relaying in his mind like a broken record. 

What would happen if he told you if he was in love with you?

Would you hate him if he did?

He was sure you wouldn’t say it back - that was for sure.

“I won’t say,” he breathes out shakily, the words ‘I’m in love with you’ pounding on every cell of his body.

He loved you. He loved you more than he thought he could ever love anyone.

He wanted to tell you, and the look of utter disappointment in your face only made his stomach twist with guilt and failure that he didn’t tell you. 

“I promise I won’t tease you… I won’t do anything to upset you! You know you can trust me, right?” you plead, your hand taking his sweaty one, and Bakugou flushed at the warm contact. 

He loved you, he loved you, he loved you.

There’s a look of guilt that twists on your face, and you sigh, your head dropping and Bakugou freezes when you begin to shake your head. “Sorry, that’s… that’s rude of me. If you don’t want to tell me, I won’t make you, but if you want to, I promise that I won’t judge.”

Your concerned eyes rose back up to meet his, and Bakugou felt his spine go stiff.

A shaky breath of air expelled past his chapped lips, and Bakugou’s fingers trembled, “I have something to confess…”

Your eyes widened in shock and silent glee that he was going to let you in on his secret, but he wondered if you would look the same after he confessed.

“I’m-”

“Y/n!” a shout interrupted, and Bakugou froze while both of your heads snapped over to see Kirishima pushing out of the door with a bright grin on his face.

“Ei!” you smiled broadly in return, your voice almost breathless at his arrival, your eyes filled with emotions that Bakugou could only dream were directed towards him. Immediately his stomach twisted sickeningly at the sight of his red-headed best friend take three long strides to get to the couch before planting the biggest kiss he had ever seen onto your lips.

Bakugou’s stomach filled with bitter acid at the sight of you and Kirishima passionately kissing despite having him no more than two centimeters away from you. Giggles and the purest sounds of two people in deep, deep love emitted from the both of you, and it took everything in Bakugou not to split his skull in half in raging jealousy.

“I was missing you so much! I looked away, and you were gone!” Kirishima pouted, his tone a low whine, but his mouth continued to press flustering kisses against your mouth until you were gently pushing him away. Embarrassment obvious in your posture because shamelessly making out in front of any audience always left you uncomfortable. 

“I was… checking up on… on Bakugou,” you pathetically moaned against Kirishima’s mouth, your hands helpless against his chest while you attempted to push away your tipsy and loving boyfriend. Kirishima let out an understanding ‘oh’ before pushing away from your lips and collapsing onto the couch next to you. 

Bakugou was silent and frozen as he looked at his feet, his nostrils flaring in his anger and embarrassment because what was he ever thinking?! Confessing to you when you had a boyfriend?!

“How’s Bakubro doing?” Kirishima cheered, his hand slapping against Bakugou’s taut shoulder with a wide grin. “Is he being a good friend?”

“You know he always is,” you laugh, your lips pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “He was about to tell me something, though!”

Bakugou froze when he felt your gaze and Kirishima’s fall on him, and acid shot to his mouth.

You had been dating Kirishima since the start of the third year at UA. It was a relationship he was always and has always been aware of because Kirishima never was secretive about his puppy love crush on you! Still, he knew this and fell for you. You were his best friend’s lover, and he fell in love with you. He could never say he was in love with you, not if he knew what was best for you and Kirishima. 

But even if he wasn’t the sixteen-year-old boy with anger issues from hell, there was a part of him that would always be that, and in a time where he needed to be calm and lie through his teeth, seething anger exploded in his chest.

“I don’t want to be your friend anymore.”

Both you and Kirishima froze, “W-What?”

Bakugou was a good hero because his quirk was powerful. Explosions were powerful, and they were deadly if misused. He wasn’t someone who could use his quirk as a means to save - sure he saved people every day, but he would never aim a blast towards a victim. That would be idiotic. Bakugou knew he wasn’t his quirk. He was explosive and bitter and mean at times, but he believed he was more than that. He was better than that. And for the past three years, he had been working on that part of himself, only for it to fall and collapse in an explosive fury right now.

He was dangerous.

“This entire time, I only gave you a shot because I knew you were seeing Kirishima. You’re fucking annoying though, an airheaded, a coward, and so fucking nosey, I wonder just how Kirishima is still with you! He can do so much fucking better than you, and it’s embarrassing that you can’t even see it!”

“You don’t mean that,” came your soft and utterly broken voice, your face pleading for him to say it was a lie, pleading that this was some joke. 

Tears burned at the back of his eyes but refused to form, and Bakugou wished he could say he was done after that, but the thing about destruction is that there was always more than just one wave. 

“I tried to be your friend, I did, but it was the worst mistake I made. You’re a shit friend, a shit hero, and a shit significant other. You’re not someone I admire or think of as an equal, and I think it’s best if you just left me the fuck alone.”

“You’re an asshole,” you laugh humorlessly, your eyes stone hard and staring daggers into Bakugou’s skull, but to his own horror, a steely laugh escapes his lips he shrugs.

“I’ve been called worse.”

You stood up, storming away from the loud room and slamming the door so loudly behind you it rattled the walls.

“What the hell was that, Bakugou?!” Kirishima gasped, his eyes wide in a fury and hurt, the once tipsy glaze to his eyes gone and only full of sober anger and disbelief. “That was the unmanliest shit I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth?! The fuck is wrong with you?!”

“Fuck off, go take care of the fucking crybaby,” Bakugou heaved, the tears burning even more as he folded his arms, his gaze focused on his feet once again.

“Did you know that y/n used to fucking like you?! All three years in high school y/n had the biggest fucking crush on you, and even when we got together… I knew those feelings still existed…” curling acid shot up his throat at the critical information. You had liked him? “For three years y/n tried to be your friend, and it didn’t work until the very end and you just… why did you do that?! You’re a fucking dick, Bakugou.”

Bakugou wasn’t sure if he was grateful or not when Kirishima pushed off the couch, his footsteps shockingly sober as he moved to chase after you. But the moment that Kirishima was out of sight and the karaoke room began to play the Disney classic, I won’t say I’m in love, something twisted in his soul and tears pushed through his eyes.

He loved you so fucking much, but as he always seemed to, he had destroyed every good thing in his life because of his attitude.

You were Kirishima’s, and it only really hit him now… how could you ever forgive him?

[scarletdawnxx-blog]

Nightmare Chapter 2

Continuation 

When you finally woke back up it was dark out. Blinking you could see you were in the med bay. Sitting up and groaning, you grabbed your head, it was pounding and the bright lights weren’t helping.

  “You really overdid it today,” Bruce said from behind you.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y. can you dim the lights please,” you asked the A.I. that ran the complex. Instantly the lights dimmed and your brain thanked you. Bruce handed, what you suspected was something to sooth your throbbing head, along with a glass of water to you. Thanking him and taking it willingly.

  “What happened in there today? That man will need a padded room for the rest of his life after you got to him.” Bruce asked, taking the glass from you and looking you over.

  “I don’t know. I was able to feed him fear without touching him. That’s never happened before. I was able to magnify it, I felt his mind breaking in my hands.” You said looking down at your hands noticing a little dried blood on them.

“Your powers seem to be growing, but also looks like they are taking more out of you, you will want to work on not only mental but physical stamina. I’m going to suggest increased training time for you as well as meditation. But first, nurse what I can only guess is a massive headache, and get some rest.” Bruce said with a smile. 

You nodded and hopped down from the table. Ignoring the hunger pains in your stomach and going straight to your room. Rushing to your bathroom you scrubbed your hands nearly raw trying to get the man’s blood and sweat off. You looked at yourself in the mirror, uncomfortable with what was staring back. You were never the type who wanted to hurt people, you had wanted to become a doctor for crying out loud. But today, you had enjoyed hurting that man, it made you feel powerful, strong. You liked hearing his screams. You turned your shower on, hoping it would clear your mind, sat on your bed in just your towel and fell back, too tired to move. You were woken by screams again. Bucky’s screams. You must not have been asleep long, because your hair was still damp, and your towel was still firmly wrapped around your body. Not bothering to put clothes on you quietly made your way to his room again and calmed his mind. This time was easier and didn’t take as much out of you. Your abilities were certainly growing.

In the weeks that followed you took Bruce’s advice and increased your physical and mental training. Seeing how far you could push your mind, body, and abilities. You no longer needed to touch someone to use your powers. Some you needed to at least be able to see to affect them, except Bucky now. You didn’t even need to be in the same room as him to quiet the nightmares. They were barely able to begin before you quieted them. Like an invisible thread held the two of you together now. His attitude had been changing. Like a weight was being lifted off of him. He smiled more, laughed more, joined the group as a whole more often. More and more you could feel all the hurt he had endured replaced with something else, a sense of calm and belonging. Natasha was the only one who knew the change in Bucky was your doing. That was until one night Steve caught you sitting outside of Bucky’s room. A Blanket draped across your lap, your nose buried in a paper about something called the X-gene. Wondering if it could be the key to understanding your abilities.

  “What are you reading?” He asked, sitting down next to you, leaning against the wall.

  “An interesting paper that could help explain why I am, the way I am,” you said, setting it down in your lap. “What are you doing up in the middle of the night?”

  “Why are you sitting outside of Bucky’s room, looking like it's where you plan to sleep?” He asked back. You stared at him, not really sure what to say, looking down at your hands, almost feeling ashamed that you had been caught doing something wrong. “Does it have anything to do with the fact Bucky’s nightmares have almost stopped and I have been seeing my best friend come back? With what happened with the Hydra agent last month? The bruises on your neck?” You looked up at him shocked. How did he know about the bruises? Had Nat told him? “We saw them when you passed out. Bucky had caught you before you hit the ground and carried you to the med bay. We saw them as Bruce was looking you over. He knew you had been in his room, he knew he must have done it.” Steve explained.

“His screams had woken me, he didn’t know what he was doing, I didn’t want the team finding out, thinking he was crazy and a danger,” you offered.

  “How many nights have you sat out here quietly taking care of him?” his eyes looked sad, like he had failed in some way.

“Not as often as when he first arrived.” You looked back down at your hands in your lap “I think I might be able to help him though, to end the nightmares once and for all. To remove what Hydra did.” You confessed. “I’ve been reading and developing my abilities. I think I could remove the programming.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to give him false hope?” Steve asked, searching your eyes.

  “I want to at least try and help him. Steve the screams, what he feels all the time, it's overwhelming, like drowning all the time.” You closed your eyes, taking a steadying breath.

  “You are a good person Y/N, even if your abilities scare me a little sometimes,” he joked, nudging you with his shoulder. “When do you think you would be ready to try?”

“Soon, do you think he will let me? I’ll have to take a walk around his mind, every thought, every memory, every emotion he has. I’ll know it and feel it all.” You asked.

  “I don’t know, but we have to at least try.”

  You both sat in silence for a little while longer before Steve bid you good night and headed back to his room. Bucky was deep in peaceful sleep, so you made your way back to your own bed. Would he let you help him? 

Even without the invisible tether that you felt with him always, you two had grown close over the last month. He pushed you harder than anyone ever had in training. You were grateful to him for it. A friendship was blooming and he was more at ease every day, yet the nightmares always returned, and the constant threat of Hydra always lingered. As long as what they had done to him remained, he would always be at risk and you swore that he would never fall into their hands again and you would protect him at all cost. 

Your powers had been steadily growing since the incident with the Hydra agent. You could now walk through someone’s mind like you were watching a movie. Nat had volunteered to let you practice on her, the first few times were difficult. She had lived so many lives through her spying it was hard to see what was true or not, but soon you could flush it all out and even learned how to plant false memories and change the emotions attached to others. You could even leave suggestions for future behavior. Essentially brainwashing them to do whatever you wanted. The first time it happened it made you sick. You erased it from Nat’s mind and felt like you had betrayed her, but if that information got out, that you could mind control people now, bend their minds to your will, there was no telling how people would weaponize that. You didn’t even trust Tony and Steve with that info.  God forbid Nick Fury ever learn about it. You saw what being someone’s weapon did to a person and you would not let that happen to yourself.

  A few months after that first night Steve caught you outside Bucky’s room he sought you out again, asking if you were ready to approach Bucky with your plan. The Hydra attacks had become more frequent and the last lead you had all those months ago you had unfortunately turned to mush and he was no use in figuring out their plans. He had been secretly sent to a mental facility and you had locked yourself away for a week after hearing the news. You wished you had never received this power, or learned how to use it. It was Bucky who finally pulled you out of the slump. Convinced you that if you didn’t learn to control it and accept it, it would eat away until there was nothing left of you.

“What if I make it worse, or I ruin his mind completely?” you worried to Steve.

“We have to at least try. I hate to say it but as long as his mind is susceptible to Hydra’s influence, he is a liability and in danger and I can’t lose him again.” Steve said, rubbing his hand along his face.

  “Lose who?” you both turned and saw Bucky leaning in the open-door frame, arms and legs crossed, looking oh so casual.

  “Hey Buck, what are you up to?” Steve asked, giving his friend a smile and hoping he hadn’t heard the conversation.

  “Was just passing by,” he said with a shrug.

“Well since you are here there is something Y/N and I would like to talk to you about.” Bucky’s eyes flicked from Steve to you, and you wished the bed would swallow you whole.  

“Sounds serious,” Bucky said with a tone that was trying to keep the mood light.

  “Well as you know, Y/N powers have been growing, and we think her powers could help reverse what Hydra did to you.” Steve said hoping Bucky would agree without a fight.

“No.” he stated simply

“No?” Steve asked. “Buck we have a chance to get that crap out of your head and you say no?” he was getting angry.

“No, I’m not gonna let Y/N walk around my brain, she’s been through enough, I’m not going to expose her to the crazy that is in there,” He motioned to his head getting more heated. He knew she had been using her powers on him to quite the nightmares, he hoped that she hadn’t gone further than that, trusted her that she hadn’t gone further than that.

“That is shit Buck and you know it,” Steve yelled.

“Hey! Language.” You reprimanded him. “You two will not engage in a screaming match in my room.” You stood and placed yourself between the two super soldiers who were nearly chest to chest at this point. “James, I really think I could help you, I want to help you,” you said, turning to him and he just blinked at you. No one called him James, not in a long time, not even you. Always calling him Barnes or Sarge.

  “You can’t know that for sure, I do want to be rid of this but what if it doesn’t work,” What if you can never look at me the same ever again. He wanted to say.

  “Will you at least let me try?” You asked, searching his eyes. Forgetting that Steve was in the room anymore. All you felt and saw was Bucky. You wanted to reach a hand out to his face, to try and soothe and comfort him. Steve, however sensing he was not needed or really wanted, quietly slipped from the room.

  “What if I hurt you again,” Bucky asked quietly.

“Hurt me, you have never hurt me.” You stated.

  “That’s not true, we have never spoken about it, but I know those bruises on your neck were from me. I know you came into my room that night. What were you thinking, I could have killed you.” He sat down on your bed, shoulders hunched, looking at the ground, not able to meet your gaze.

  “You did nothing wrong, you didn’t even know you were doing it, so deep in that nightmare. I couldn’t let you lie there and scream.” You said and stood in front of him. “If you don’t want to do this, that’s fine, we will find another way, but know that I will never let anyone or anything hurt you, not even the nightmares.” You said quietly. 

Bucky wrapped his arms around your waist and hugged you tightly. This wasn’t the first time he had touched you. He had laid you flat out a few times in the training room, but this was more… intimate. He was so tired, tired of fighting, tired of not being able to trust himself or his mind. You placed a hand on top of his head and stroked his hair. “Please, let me try.” You asked again. “As long as what Hydra did to you is still in there, you will never find peace. I want to help you find peace and calm.”

  “You have already,” he whispered. “I know you what you have been doing almost every night,” He admitted to you and you felt the guilt.

“I’m sorry, I know it is an invasion of privacy, I never went further than quieting the nightmares. I would never…violate you like that.” You told him.

“I know, you are a good person Y/N.” Bucky said looking up at you.

“I know that until Hydra is out of my head, I will be hunted and put the team at risk. If you think you can do this, then let’s do it. Just try not to make me any crazier than I already am” he said, giving in. You sighed in relief hugging him back, standing there and not letting go until he did.

[sunbeams-and-honey]

hi im new to astrology and i just wanted to know what does it mean/how it affects me and my future if i have sun, mercury, venus all in gemini 10th house, moon in aquarius 6th house, virgo rising and also pisces mars in 6th house. thank youuu.

Hi darling! Thanks for the question.

Your combination of a Gemini Sun and an Aquarius Moon makes you a very captivating person. You're someone who can definitely trust in your intuition and you also benefit from a witty foresight. You are absolutely capable of improving yourself and making positive changes for yourself. You're intellectually energetic, which means that you can go on for ages with any activity involving your mind, such as writing or solving puzzles. You have a deep need to express your individuality as much as you can, as well as being stimulated at all times. You are more or less terrified of being bored. You are so busy so much of the time that boredom seems to affect you more intensely as you're not used to staying still and relaxing. You really enjoy and benefit from finding new ways of looking at and thinking about something, and also from establishing connections between different things. It's really satisfying for you when something finally clicks in your mind.

Your Sun is in the 10th House, which means that you work hard in order to achieve your goals and to also reach a certain status. You are excited by the idea of having power, but make sure that this desire does not make you cruel. You might want to be famous at some point in your life but you want to live an honourable and dignified life while doing so. That being said, you may be prone to getting into scandals if you're not careful. You want to be in charge where possible and you aren't afraid of the responsibility that comes with it. If you were to be put into a position of leadership then you'd know exactly what you'd be getting into. You're very determined to make a name for yourself and to be a good role model to others. You're likely to have a good reputation.

You have your Moon in the 6th House, which makes you someone who is obsessed with being healthy and organised at all times. A lot of your emotional satisfaction and stability depends on how hard you work, which can be a problem if you don't work as hard as you think you should. You have to understand that you have limits and you're allowed to relax without having to work for it. You are caring and emotional, and very empathetic. You get very stressed when you can't be of any help to anyone else. You may be prone to have physical pain when going through emotional distress or pain. You tend to feel very energetic and alive when there is nothing worrying you and when everything is going your way.

Your Gemini Mercury means you have great social skills. You are charming and eloquent in your speech. You are a quick thinker decision-maker. You always have something interesting to say so people always want to talk to you. You may find that you're the one carrying the conversation a lot of the time. You have the tendency to exaggerate sometimes. People are fascinated by your intelligence and knowledge. You know a bit about everything. You're constantly thinking about more than one thing at a time and because of this, you can forget about very important things every now and then, such as birthdays or anniversaries.

Your Mercury is in the 10th House, which makes you very good at solving problems under pressure. You're not one to back down from a challenge just because everyone else does. In your personal life, there will be a huge emphasis on self-improvement and general achievements. You highly value your goals in life and you are a natural communicator and public speaker. Even if you're shy, you have a great way with words, which leave a huge and lasting impact on those around you. You're very articulate. Your career is very important to you. You don't see it as merely a job, it's something with which you put effort into and care about.

You have your Venus in Gemini, which means you are very talkative and witty, especially when with your friends. You are very skilled with your words. You may love deep and complex subjects such as philosophy and once you find someone who shares this appreciation, then there will be no one stopping you from discussing it at all hours of the day and night. You are skilled with mediating conflicts and settling arguments before they become too big and destructive, and this is largely down to your persuasive skills. You need someone who appreciates and, to an extent, shares your intelligence and thirst for knowledge. You are very transformative, most likely going through many important changes throughout your life.

Your 10th House Venus makes you someone who wants to make a valuable contribution to the world. You want to change things for the better and will do everything in your power to make that happen. You want to make the world a brighter place too, spreading love and positivity wherever you go. You'll probably make a good career out of one of your hobbies. You might be the type of person to have an Etsy shop. You like being the centre of attention because you want to be appreciated for the things you have done. Some people can see you as pretentious because you want the nicer things in life and because you surround yourself with influential people. They don't realise though that you do this to keep as many doors open as possible when it comes to opportunities.

All of this means you have a Gemini stellium, which means you really embody Gemini qualities, more so than your average Gemini Sun. You are quick to both crack a joke and to put the pieces together and solve a problem. You are probably the life of the party. You have a great ability to relate to anyone, which is something that really helps other people. You may find that others often turn to you for comfort and support because they feel seen and heard by you. People can struggle to keep up with you at times albeit entertained by the stories you have to tell. You always have something interesting to say.

This also means you have a 10th House stellium, which makes you someone who loves their independence. You're not one to typically listen to authority figures unless you absolutely must. You might benefit from working for yourself one day rather than for somebody else. You are ambitious and not one to mess around once you get down to something. You may have had some kind of issues with a parent, or someone you viewed as a parental figure, at some point in your life. You know the best path to success, and are hellbent on staying on that path.

I've already gone over what it's like to have a Virgo Rising! You can find the post here.

Your Mars is in Pisces means that you are the kind of person to fight for your dreams. You are a walking contradiction, both sensitive and powerful, though perhaps it is your sensitivity itself that makes you powerful. You prefer to go with the flow rather than planning for the future or being in control. You want and expect things in your life to just happen naturally. Even if you are a hardworking person, you don't expect all your hard work to just go to waste. You want to get something from it. This can make you confident enough to go after your goals and dreams, but it can also lead you to getting easily disappointed.

You have your Mars in the 6th House, which makes you someone who is prepared to work incredibly hard for your dreams and goals. You love helping other people, but you have to watch out for people who use this kindness of yours and exploit it. Remember you can say no. You are productive, efficient, and almost always ready to work. You rarely ever seem to get tired so you do run the risk of burning out because you work so hard. You have the tendency to become impatient and irritable when other people do things in a different way to you. You have an amazing capacity to pick yourself up after failure or mistakes.

Words Of Advice:

Learn to relax more, maybe even meditate!

You need to learn how to balance your work life and your personal life.

Try to depend less on validation from others.

Maybe choose an area to specialise in rather than knowing a bit about everything and not properly committing to something.

Be more open to new experiences.

You don't need to take on every single challenge thrown at you.

Try changing your ways of doing things every now and then.

Remember to slow down every now and then.

You don't have to be working 24/7.

Pay more attention to your friendships.

Be mindful of who you spill your secrets to.

Try to keep your expectations realistic.

Thanks for the question darling and I hope this helped! Sending good vibes your way and have a wonderful rest of your day!

[tg-headcanons]

Since ghouls heal so fast, does that mean they’re always healthy? Do they ever get permenant injuries or do they always heal?

I’ve been wanting to talk about this! Even with increased healing ability, it’s possible and not at all uncommon for ghouls to have scars and disabilities

Sometimes even advanced healing isnt enough. Repeated injuries with not enough food or heal time between them can be disabling. It’s uncommon, but missing limbs, lost senses, and chronic pain can be caused later in life

The most common way ghouls get disabilities is just by birth. Sometimes ghoul kids are born blind or deaf or paralyzed or with chronic issues same as humans. In their culture it’s treated very differently than it is with humans though, since they’re quite community oriented and adaptable. It’s understood that they won’t be able to function the way abled ones do, but with the right conditions and supports, they can thrive alone or even outmatch others

Blind or deaf ghouls can often use their kagune to sense vibrations more effectively than abled ghouls, making them terrifyingly effective fighters and hunters in environments with harsh light or sound that would cause others distress, and the CCG is ill equipped to fight them since their tactics rely a lot on the assumption that their enemies are relying on sight and sound to fight. Since feeling and smell is a large part of how they hunt, losing other senses isn’t too much of a blow.

Sign language is a common practice with many ghouls because of how useful it is when hunting in silence, so deaf ghouls or ones with speech issues don’t have as many issues communicating as the average human would

Mobility impaired ghouls will have some difficulty hunting, whether they’re paralyzed or have disorders that make their ability to move unreliable, they will have problems there. That’s why they tend to join up with groups. Since almost every ghoul has had a debilitating injury in the past, they’re better at understanding how loss of physical functions can impair daily life and what they can help with

Scarring happens sometimes when a ghoul is injured while too hungry to heal for a long time, so when they do heal the tissue stands out. It can also happen from being bitten by other ghouls as they have an enzym in their saliva that drastically slows the healing process. It’s a big part of how marriage bites work, but can be annoying for people who got in a fight a month ago and still have teeth marks on them

Sometimes scars or damaged organs that get injured again grow back working better, leading to a gruesome type of healthcare. You can’t hear out of one ear? Just take out the ear bone! Don’t like that scar on your arm? Take the skin off! Paralyzed stomach? Just remove it! If it works it works, if not then damn bro you really did all that for nothing, oof. Try again maybe?

Rc disorders are more common and can be disabling. Some underproduce and can’t maintain a decently sized kagune or any kagune at all, but that’s still less difficult to deal with than overproduction. Those who overproduce may be able to grow larger kagune and heal faster, but it comes at a cost. Extra rc will cause patches of kagune mass to grow around the kakuhou, make containing kagune difficult, and even form claws on the hands and feet since it can escape the body through keratin easier than through skin. It’s a sort of psuedo kakuja, especially when it gets so out of hand that it makes them grow another kakuhou. It’s not very well understood, especially by ghouls who think of it as extra power, but those who have it know that it’s stressful, can cause spikes of pain, and makes hiding one’s ghoul identity next to impossible. It can be managed with rc suppressants, but those are expensive. It’s just something that every individual has to find ways to deal with, and hearing other ghouls go “Oh I wiSh I hAd Rc OvErPrOdUcTiOn I wOuLd Be So StRoNg” isn’t helping them in the Enxhausted Rage department since it gets tiring to explain to every single person that this isn’t a cool superpower, it sucks

Certain autoimmune diseases can effect them. Though they aren’t as deadly to ghouls as they are to humans, but they still leave them more vulnerable to illnesses and infections. They can usually survive these, but it certainly isn’t fun and they need to boil their meat before eating it to prevent catching anything

Ghouls, obviously, have little to no access to healthcare. Anything they do they do themselves, and they’re lucky to find a ghoul who knows a little about how healing works, and a single ghoul doctor within fifty miles is a windfall. The best most of them can do is frontier medicine and a small list of safe over the counter meds. Though when they can find a ghoul doctor, they tend to be very good about prescribing things that can help with chronic issues. Much less of that “are you sure it’s not in your head?” Bullshit since they know better than anyone that if someone is spending the time and money to see a doctor, they obviously know it’s not. Even when ghouls are decriminalized, ones that are chronically ill will be more likely to request a ghoul doctor because they’re sick of dealing with humans who callously second guess everything

[kryptsune]

World Building Wednesday! (AU edition)~

The Hunt (Fellswap)

*I am going to start off with some basic information just to start!* 

The Surface:  The surface has been overrun by corrupt leaders. It is very much the concept of big brother. They are a council that presides over the affairs of the world. If you are seen as a threat you will be immediately thrown into “prison” without a trial. They hold occasional public trials in the guise of being fair. Just as WTU claims, the very concept of magic is a threat to them so those that have it are quickly disposed of but leaders don’t always do the dirty work themselves. No. In fact, they use another source by means of execution…the monsters. More accurately it is very similar to the idea of throwing your enemies into a kind of gladiatorial arena. It is not technically considered an execution if circumstances lead to death. The humans are not stupid they know what is going on. Some believe in rebellion against the state and some wonder if the monsters could fix their corrupt world. Either way, the corruption continues and they are not above tossing innocents into “the pit” if it suits their agenda.  “The Pit” (aka the Underworld/Underground):  The underworld is broken up into different factions by location. The only location without a faction or any type of ruler is The Ruins, because of its size and its isolation this is where humans try to reach for some form of Salvation. Asgore, the caretaker, has made it into an encampment for those that have fallen (the innocent ones). It is almost like a refugee camp. Unfortunately very few make it to Asgore’s safe haven. He does his best. Poor goat dad. He is not like canon Toriel however as he will use violence if necessary as he knows that humans are simply using them as tools to get rid of who they deem criminal. There are signs of old campfires, broken tents, and habitation. Before The Ruins is, of course, the main factions. “Snowdin” is the beginning and Crimson is one of the most powerful in the Underworld. 

The Layout of the world: New Home= The Capital Snowdin= Magmire Waterfall= Windyspires Hotland= Tundra

The Underworld is backward to its original layout. The humans end up trapped in The Capital instead and they have to make their way to The Ruins to escape. So it would go like this: The Capital -> Tundra ->Windyspires ->Magmire. The closer the faction to the capital the higher the rank in other words because both Grimm and Crimson live in Tundra. Crim is the lord making him one of the most notorious. He is known for being a loyal “dog” to his queen. Whether that be out of loyalty or self preservation is unclear.  Each faction has a lord or lady that rules over it. The ones loyal to Toriel’s (As a side note she is known as the ice queen) regime and their supposed way of life. This also means the closest ones receive the most benefits. Tundra is the one with the most prestige and of course other monsters are trying to strip that title from its current holder, The Crimson Lord. Due to Crimson’s loyalty, he is almost exempt from any wrongdoing in the Queens’ eyes which means he can do pretty much anything he wants. Which is dangerous and I will explain why in a bit. I have a faction ruler list sitting here so I am going to add that to this as well. They are as follows, of course, this does not account for potential power struggles during the story:  The Capital -> QUEEN: Toriel Dreemurr Tundra -> Lord: Crimson         Lady: N/A Windyspires -> Lord? (I mean she wouldn’t want to be called a lady SHE IS TOO TOUGH FOR THAT!): Alphys         Lady: Undyne Magmire-> Lord: Grillby     Lady: Muffet “It’s Hunt or be Hunted”: The motto of this verse. After so many centuries of humans being disposed of by monsters they become aggressive. In addition the anger toward all of humanity begins to fuel violence in the monsters. The hunts deter monster on monster violence. It also adds fuel to Queen Toriel’s fire that one of the humans that fell down the first time killed her son. This of course is a lie as Asriel seeks refuge with his father in The Ruins. He helps as much as he can watch his mother lose her mind from afar. It saddens him but he refuses to be a part of this new world order. That is when they realized that humans weren’t just falling into the Underworld. They were throwing throwing the worst of the worst. Their undesirables, criminals, and anyone that dare went against their own agenda. At first, they just captured them and held them in the Capitals network of catacombs but then some began to escape causing damage across their “New Home”. Toriel wouldn’t allow it. A proposal turns it into a game of cat and mouse. The humans are detained and released and then the monsters hunt them down. It used to be about protection but now it’s become a sick twisted death game. The forests of Tundra are littered with traps and deadly pitfalls along with the rest of the locations.

The Brothers Grimm:

Grimm is the wilder of the two brothers and is very much a predator type. His name is derived from the mythos of the Grimm or Black dog. I wanted to keep that dark omen symbology in both his name and design. He slinks around in the shadows so that the black dog aspect is not far off. He also loves watching from trees.  He enjoys the catching and hunting aspect of his job and even plays around with his “toys” when he finds them. He will specifically call anyone “chew toy” in a mocking kind of way. That does not mean though that he will not spare you if he catches you. He is naturally curious by things. He also has a little skele tail too. Unlike his brother, Grimm doesn’t really have an ego he just finds his job fun. He is like a giant untamed wolf. Grimm has a love of sweets as well.  He admires his brother but he is not bound to his brother. In other words this is not a master, dog dynamic. He is, however, the more accepting of the two. If he is asked to do something he doesn’t approve of then he most likely won’t. Also just because he has the whole puppy thing going on doesn’t mean he isn’t smart and cunning. Again he likes to play around with those he finds sometimes not even dragging them back to his brother for a while. If you are a threat he will kill you but if you’re not you can probably get on his good side. If he thinks you are cute he will probably flirt with you too. He is not beyond that. He plays the part of the dog quite well. Crimson is more sophisticated. He doesn’t go out on “hunts” himself often as he has a faction to rule over but those brought to him will see first hand that he is an insufferable flirt. He is prideful, egotistical, and commanding. He also has a bad habit of keeping mementos from those he deems worthy (what those are… you don’t want to know). He is stern with his brother and seems very outwardly cold to most unless he is playing up his charm. He is not someone you want to make angry as Toriel considers him to also be the Bloody Lord. His weapon of choice is a rapier. His drinks of choice are red wine and champagne specifically the pink kind. Crimson’s incisor teeth also have that vampire point to them. They are longer than the rest of them. There is far more to Crimson than just a ruthless skeleton lord.

The Ultimate Unlikely Hunters: This backstory will involve Grimm and Crimson’s unusual infliction and conditions. They were both experiments under Rivers research team in the beginning. Having been weak monsters as children unable to gain any LV they had to think of a way to survive. They did not seem to possess the ability to wield magic. Tired, injured, and without hope Papyrus carried his baby brother all the way to Windyspires banging weakly on the metal plated doors. The Royal scientist at the time, Dr. River Styx, took the boys in. River cares about the two brothers and he gives them a choice if they want to become stronger as their souls are not capable of it on their own. Grimm takes the offer hoping it will save his baby brother offering to be the first test subject.  At the time Undyne was nothing but a teenage prodigy lab tech watching the events of soul manipulation take place. At first the process works. Pap is able to conjure new bone like attacks with magic and all seems to be well. The results cause River to start the experiment on Sans next. By this time complications have already begun to show signs. Pap seems to be more short tempered and aggressive even with little things. His mood swings cause him to lock himself up being monitored day by day. 

Sans has never seen his gentle brother this aggressive before forcing himself to look away as they have to strap him down for a follow up experiment. He tries to help his brother the best he can and takes on the older brother role due to Pap’s inability to think clearly. Even he is starting to change. The longer this situation continues the more Sans becomes numb to the feeling. That is until one day Pap’s condition takes a turn for the worse causing him to lash out, bones shifting and elongating. He drops to the ground in agony transforming into a skeletal beast like wolf tearing the entire lab apart.  Sans on the other hand continues to take care of his brother but he too is feeling some strange side effects to the soul manipulation. It turns out that each monster’s ancestry buried deep within their soul draws upon a primal power. Not all monsters were about love and compassion in the beginning. Bringing this primal trait to the surface causes adverse physical and biological changes within the two. Sans is more gradual as he starts to be in immense pain. His soul struggles to keep itself together but even he snaps lunging at a lab tech. He zeros in on their soul pulling it from their chest and sinking his teeth into it, draining it of its life force. The pain is suddenly gone. He realizes that he needs souls essence and power to keep that hunger/thirst at bay. It gives him extraordinary abilities. He remembers a long time ago reading about a monster that humans had such a fear of, the vampire.  As he comes into power he realizes that humans concentrated soul traits are even better than monster souls. The blood has a high concentration of soul essence which sustains humans as well as monsters (yes the monsters bleed in this). His brother learns to control this new beast within himself but not before he nearly claws his brothers socket out, hence the signature scar. Crimson has scars on his entire body from trying to reason with his once feral brother. They slowly work their way up to eventually ruling the second most powerful kingdom in the entire Underworld with exception to The Capitol. The constant hunts keep both the brothers conditions satisfied. No one is quite sure how the two skeleton brothers became this way after River’s disappearance, all except Undyne.       

*This is just to get started! If you have any questions about the characters, how the world works, the layout, story, any of that go ahead and drop me an ask I would love to answer them!*

[longgae]

Feeling like debating with relatives/other weird people? Here is a list of controversial topics to discuss (and what to say) :)

Made because I am very tired andddd I had coffee today.

Gun Control - Gun violence has been a heated debate topic in the U.S. for years. Mass shootings and other acts of gun violence kill nearly 40,000 people every year in the U.S. The gun control debate largely hinges on interpretations of the Second Amendment. It reads: "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." Advocates for gun rights argue the "right of the people to keep and bear arms" means that the government cannot control the possession of firearms. Thus, they oppose any laws that impact their ability to buy, carry, or accessorize guns. By contrast, gun control advocates focus on the part of the Second Amendment that says gun rights are meant to be "well regulated" by local, state, and federal legislative bodies. They push for stricter gun control laws, including more extensive background checks, regulations on assault weapons, and banning high-capacity magazines. Today, the debate has escalated due to the high rate of gun violence and the rising frequency of mass shootings. In 2019, there were 417 mass shootings in the U.S., according to data from the nonprofit Gun Violence Archive (GVA). The increasing prevalence of mass shootings has sparked fierce debates about the sale of assault rifles, background checks for gun buyers, and the connection between gun violence and mental illness.

Abortion - The pro-life perspective argues that life begins at the moment of conception, and therefore abortion is equivalent to murder. It is seen as an act of violence that can have physical, emotional, and psychological repercussions, even if the pregnancy resulted from rape or incest. Pro-life supporters believe that government intervention to prevent abortions is justified. On the other side, pro-choice argues that people have the right to choose to have an abortion because they have bodily autonomy — complete control over their own bodies. They believe that it is immoral for the government to make medical decisions on behalf of pregnant people. Thus, the pro-choice perspective opposes federal, state, or local laws that restrict access, impede funding, or create legal obstacles for getting an abortion.

Religious Freedom - Religious freedom is considered a fundamental human right for every American. The First Amendment states: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof." Yet, religious liberty continues to be controversial in its execution. Discussions about religion and politics are often polarizing because they dig deep into how people view the world. As the adage says, "don't mix religion and politics." The First Amendment compels the government not to show preference to a specific religion or take away an individual's ability to exercise faith. It also ensures that neither the state nor the church has the power to rule over each other. Under the First Amendment, Americans have the right to practice any faith or to have no faith. Legally, they can do so without fear of government coercion, even in public. In practice, the fiery disagreements over how freedom of religion can and should be expressed have led to clashes over God's mention in the Pledge of Allegiance, displaying the Ten Commandments in public spaces, and businesses denying service based on religious belief. The issue is particularly prevalent around Christianity, which appears in many aspects of public life in the United States, despite not being the official religion. Many people with pro-religious views argue that religious freedom means they have a right to make choices about who they serve or employ and what they display or do based on their religious values. Others argue that religious freedom means not having to follow the trappings of a specific religion in public spaces or required pledges, and also not being denied access to goods, services, or jobs based on their religious beliefs.

Vaccines - Vaccines have revolutionized global health with life-saving immunity from certain diseases. Polio, smallpox, tetanus, and other infectious diseases are no longer deadly because of innovative vaccines. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), vaccines prevent thousands of Americans from getting infected by diseases each year. Immunization is the best protection against these diseases, especially for children with weak immune systems. They may also help bring the COVID-19 pandemic to a speedier end. But there has been some opposition to vaccines in recent years. The push back against vaccines comes for different reasons, including fear, misconceptions, and mistrust of science. Anti-vaccine activists are often referred to as anti-vaxxers. Some of the most persistent arguments against vaccines include a widespread fear that vaccines cause autism, that natural immunity is better than being inoculated, and that vaccines contain harmful chemicals. Over the years, public health officials, physicians, and medical experts have debunked these claims. Despite that, anti-vaxxers still argue that vaccines can be dangerous and contain hazardous or poorly-researched substances, creating risks that outweigh the benefits. Meanwhile, vaccine supporters believe all parents have a responsibility to comply with medical advice on vaccine administration, protecting their children and strengthening herd immunity for society as a whole.

Marriage Equality - In 2015, the Marriage Equality Act made same-sex marriage legal everywhere in the United States and was later upheld by the Supreme Court. Even so, the rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ+) [YASSS QUEENS] individuals to marry still lead to heated debates, especially within religious communities. Those who support marriage equality believe gender and sexual orientation should not affect access to rights under the law, including marriage rights. They believe all couples deserve access to the same recognition, legal rights, and tax benefits. Opponents of marriage equality argue that marriage is defined as being between a man and a woman, and allowing any other type of union undermines the institution of marriage and should thus be sanctioned by law. Most opponents of marriage equality have a faith-based viewpoint, arguing that non-heterosexual romantic relationships contradict teachings in the Bible, making them sinful in the eyes of God. They believe the government is obligated to prevent these marriages, triggering further debate about the separation of church and state. While marriage equality is the law in the United States, the debate over LGBTQ+ access to equal treatment continues.

The Trump "Presidency" - Donald Trump's presidency has been a constant source of controversy. His abrasive leadership style, tone, and methods in office are dramatically different from his predecessors, drawing an unprecedented level of ire from citizens who oppose him. He was impeached in 2019 after he pressured Ukraine to smear then-Democratic-presidential-hopeful Joe Biden. As of July 2020, President Trump had made more than 20,000 false or misleading claims. This included falsehoods about the coronavirus pandemic, fringe conspiracy theories, his impeachment trial, and protests over the death of George Floyd. He's also clashed with world leaders, openly supported white supremacists, and ignored evidence of Russian interference in the 2016 and 2020 elections. Those who support President Trump claim the media misrepresents him — despite evidence to the contrary — or deny his past statements. Trump supporters embrace his policies, which include more substantial immigration restrictions, protections for the Second Amendment, and nationalist identity politics. They also view the president as a political outsider whose unconventional style and behavior are a needed disruption of traditional politics. Trump's opponents have fiercely criticized him for mishandling the coronavirus pandemic, race relations, and constitutional law. His opponents also view his presidency as a dangerous deviation from normative American values about executive authority, democratic rule, and general political civility. Trump's opponents advocate for progressive policies that clash with his conservative viewpoints, including humane immigration reform, enhanced environmental protections, and stricter gun control laws.

Transgender Rights - Transgender rights aim to protect individuals who identify as a gender that is different from the one assigned to them at birth. They argue that human rights should apply equally to all people, including those who are transgender, cisgender, non-binary, gender fluid, or intersex. According to the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), transgender people face discrimination in education, housing, military service, credit access, and healthcare based on their gender identity or gender expression. There are 1.4 million trans adults who live in the U.S. Nearly half the United States does not have legal protections for LGBTQ+ employees. In June 2020, the Supreme Court ruled that it is illegal for employers to fire or discriminate against an employee because they are LGBTQ+. The 6-to-3 decision was a landmark victory for transgender rights. Transgender advocates work to strengthen and expand legal protections in schools, healthcare, the workplace, and common law. Opponents of transgender rights push back against the idea that people should have the right to identify as a gender other than their assigned birth gender. Religion is often a major source of anti-transgender sentiment. According to the Pew Research Center, 63% of U.S. Christians (ew) disagree that someone can be a gender different from the sex assigned to them at birth.

[I'm Christian, don't attack me for saying ew ✌️]

White Supremacy - White supremacy is a belief that white people are a superior race with the right to dominate society at the expense of other racial and ethnic groups. White supremacy has morphed into a political ideology that affects socioeconomic and legal structures within the United States. In recent years, white nationalism has gained political traction in the United States — even in the White House. "President" Donald Trump is widely condemned for promoting racism, bigotry, and hate speech through anti-Black, anti-immigrant, and anti-Muslim sentiments. White supremacists often clash with people of African ancestry, indigenous peoples, Muslims, and Jewish people. This racial violence has led to numerous acts of right-wing terrorism. According to the Anti-Defamation League (ADL), right-ring extremists killed 38 people in 2019 — 76% of all extremist-related murders that year. These perpetrators typically self-identify with ideologies that include neo-Nazis, neo-fascists, and neo-Confederates. White supremacists heavily coalesced around the removal of Confederate monuments amidst the aftermath of the police killing of George Floyd in 2020. The monuments have long drawn ire for honoring the institution of slavery. Opponents of the white nationalist movement typically advocate for stricter hate crime laws, open immigration reform, and protection against racial or religious discrimination. They also push for greater access to economic power for marginalized racial groups and for reparations for slave-descended Americans. There is also an ongoing debate over how to classify white nationalist violence and activities, with opponents of the white nationalist movement calling for such actions to be classified as domestic terrorism.

Aaaaand, last but CERTAINLY not least ...

BLM (Black Lives Matter) - The Black Lives Matter (BLM) movement is a political movement to resist police brutality against Black people. BLM began in response to repeated instances of law enforcement facing little to no legal repercussions for use-of-force incidents that resulted in a Black person's death. BLM has grown into one of the most massive movements in U.S. history. Recent polls found that between 15 to 26 million Americans participated in BLM demonstrations in 2020 over the deaths of George Floyd, Elijah McClain, Breonna Taylor, Emmett Till, and other victims of police brutality. Supporters of the movement consider police brutality to be a form of oppression against Black people, arguing that it is one symptom of inequalities in legal, judicial, and socioeconomic status. Advocates also believe that failure to prosecute officers for using excessive force demonstrates that Black lives are less valued than white lives. BLM has proposed defunding police, reforming law enforcement, investing in underserved communities, and holding officers accountable for racial bias and brutality. Critics believe that BLM is an unfair condemnation of law enforcement. They argue that defunding police or changing their tactics would undermine their ability to uphold the law under dangerous circumstances. Others point to Black-on-Black crime as justification for anti-Black attitudes, while dismissing or ignoring acts of violence by white people that specifically target Black people. The Blue Lives Matter (BlueLM) and All Lives Matters (ALM) slogans were adopted to reflect this pro-police stance.

Hopefully this helps someone! Remember, always have a cool head when debating ignorant others :)

I believe in you!

[randomizertale]

Basic Undertale AU Info- RandomizerTale

                                                   The Story

With each reset everyone (other than frisk/chara, gaster, and maybe flowey) are randomized as different character roles. The characters still look the same and have the same names, but they act and talk as the characters they are playing as. They still have their same basic powers (except for sans who can't maintain his knowledge of resets outside his role), they just act different. 

Think of it as a randomizer mod. The same art and battle assets, just different dialogue. 

Sans gets nerfed for whoever he's playing as though. 

The only one who realizes is the character playing as sans. Since the sans has an unnatural ability to remember every resets, this ability is transferred to who is sans and gets multiplied as they'll remember not only the pov of every sans before, but of their own povs as other characters as well. This multiplication increases exponentially to the point that sans is basically an amalgamation of everyone's povs in the underground.

The Sanses are also proficient in all types of magic now (as the body allows of course [if in Sans bod he still tired with 1hp bro and Undyne sans is an absolute BEAST] and depending on who else has been sans before). This means that genocide fights get progressively harder and harder each time a reset happens and dialogue changes too depending on who is playing sans (pap genocides usually end pretty fast though [despite everything he thinks the human can do better]).

Eventually the randomization just so happens to land on the original configuration of monsters. Seeing his chance for it to go back to normal, Sans,  with everyone's pov of the resets, teleports to frisk at the beginning of the route and  confronts/begs frisk to stop the madness: pleading them to be better person (paps), to stop hurting the ones they love, to let them to finally live on the surface instead of just looking at it,  to just stop the resets altogether and to let this be their final reset.

After the final reset, Sans is still sans but he has EVERY monsters pov of past resets (boss and minor monster alike). Once the resets end, he isn't everyone shoved into one body, but sans with a recollection of everyone's pov of past resets. IT IS NOT D.I.D!!!! Of course he knows that he himself is sans, but he might have random episodes where he does/says things that other characters would say/like/do (ex: pose like mettaton, make a puzzle, gush like alphys over his interests, drink tea...you get the idea) due to him being forced to play as other characters in other resets. (Other chars in the au don't have this happen to them cause they don't remember previous resets)

When he is talking about past experiences during the resets, he flips between pronouns and from first/third person (I, we, she, he, they) in order to get some of feelings across (I as Sans, we as everyone's pov of resets, and others as specific people's povs).

                                                   “Episodes”:

His episodes can be broken by a) someone telling him that's not how he is,  b) physical interference (ex: slap, tripping, sleep), c) him having a dissociating moment where he's like “wait a minute...”, and d) he finishes the action the episodes requires of him. 

Some episodes are harder to recognize (specially ones with no final action/goal in mind. For example: getting anxious over social interaction like alphys vs making a butterscotch pie.) Episodes don't overlap each other, so he could be his sans personality while making a pie, making different jokes based on an interest change, or just extruding mettaton confidence/self-absorption). 

There are certain episodes that he doesn't mind very often and will actually complete it even after he breaks out of it, specifically the task episodes like making pie/spaghetti/tea. He's learned to really like that stuff.

 Some episodes that he particularly hates are when he acts/speaks like mettaton or temmie, nervously word vomits like alphys (cause there's no filter and he can say stuff he doesn't want to be said out loud [he a secretive guy]), and when he acts like Jerry because eewwwwww.

To apologize or explain his behavior after an episode he calls it the (insert character) in me or my inner (insert character).   "welp my inner toriel came out again..." "sorry, kiddo, that was just the undyne in me..."

Ones he hates or are improperly timed, he sometimes just insults the characters though. "f-ing mettaton..." "alphys I like you but whyyyyyy" "*gags* ...Jerry"

Types of episodes: social (acting or talking like someone), thoughts (interests or ideals) (he HATES this one the most as it makes him feel less like him), physical (task or long-lasting [long-lasting like dancing/ posing/working out]). (Keep in mind that social and physical episodes keep sans ideas/thoughts/interests intact, he just communicates them in a way another character would say them.) Specific social or physical episodes can be triggered with high emotions (though most of the time it's just random). Extreme anger can bring out the undyne in him, fear/nervousness alphys, adoration paps, depression nabstablook, worried for someone else toriel, and so on.

                                              Some Fun Facts:

Fun facts: Sans gets headaches after an episode where he acts/thinks like someone else. The severity usually depends on how long the episode is and how out of character is for him.

Fun facts 2: Following the logic of post reset sans, other characters playing as sans will think and act like the original char they are supposed to be but with sans personality. Unless episodes happen... (EX: Toriel goat jokes, undyne fish jokes.) So it leads to different character interactions where an undyne sans is more pissed off at frisk and more prone to violence. Paps sans more encouraging to be a better person. Other chars as sans also get episodes and headaches if they act like other chars other than themselves (disregarding sans cause they are supposed to be sans.).  Bruh does this get complicated...

Fun facts 3: The other char’s povs only start once frisk falls underground so sans doesn't know how toriel felt leaving ashore or pap waiting outside undyne’s house to join the royal guard. That means his episodes and knowledge of others chars reset feelings/actions during povs are strictly based upon the duration the timeframe that frisk is underground.

Fun facts.4: The sanses in all the reset always has a soft spot for paps. They know that he ain't their bro but the code just has that as a priority for the sans. (Paps as sans is like my bro loves me ;n;.)  They enjoy it when paps is playing alphys in genocide routes cause at least they know he won't die that route.

Fun facts 5: In an alternate version of this au when frisk ignores sans's plea for it to be their final route, sans would most likely snap and go crazy and just straight up try to murder the kid over and over again regardless if they were going to do a pacifist or geno route until they agree to his terms or until he dies (and he'll do it for all future resets [except for maybe pap sans???])  Who knows a Dusttale (see  @ask-dusttale ) might even happen but the version of sans would feel less guilty bout it cause most other char povs would only confirm that other characters would just want frisk to suffer.

Fun fact 6: In another happier alternate version of this au, a version of sans confronts frisk earlier on, making them feel bad early and just wants everyone to go back to normal. So they constantly reset until they find the normal config for the final reset. The Sanses  in this route are pretty chummy with frisk. They are very tired of the resets regardless though (as it takes forever to land on the normal configuration) and sometimes halfheartedly bets with frisk who the next sans is going to be. The resets where everything is normal except for one monster are especially soul crushing for both the Sanses and frisk. They were so close!!!!!

                                                    Designs:

For the design of another chars as sans they might go out of their way in the assets and wear sans classic jacket to showcase that they are a sans and are aware of what's going on. So their normal outfits but with sans jacket on top.

Interesting info of  probability of a normal config happening in the randomizer:

~58 enemy types so 3364 (0.000297265% of normal config)

Or

~322 monsters total so 103684 configurations (0.0000096446896% of normal config)

(let me know if I did the math incorrectly :) )

[wyrdify]

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. It’s been plastered all over every social media website I’ve been on, and I’ve had friends on other sites talking about it. I’ve also seen it on here, and I decided I’m going to continue my trend of being open about my own mental health. In doing so, I have a few goals: to help lessen the stigma surrounding mental illnesses, to let others know it’s okay to talk about what they live with, and to just get my brain to move onto another topic.

So, let’s get down to it.

My brain works great when I present stuff in list or outline format, so that’s what I’m going to do to start with.

These are the mental illnesses I live with every single day:

Dermatillomania

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Major Depression Disorder

OCD

Trichotillomania

A couple of these may seem unfamiliar to folks, and there are definitely preconceived notions about all of them, so I’ll share a little bit about what they look like for me in another section.

My family/personal history that contributes to my mental health:

Alcoholism (namely family members, but I bordered on becoming an alcoholic before I was 21)

Emotional abuse / gaslighting

Involvement in a cult

Loss of family members

Neglect (namely medical)

Other shit I’m not quite comfortable talking about in a public setting

What these mental illnesses look like for me:

Dermatillomania: It means I like picking at my skin, particularly recently acquired cuts or wounds. For me, my brain likes to make myself bleed, and it perceives that feeling, that pain, as good.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder: I worry about things and blow them out of proportion. Worst case scenarios are easy for me to imagine, and I overthink just about everything. Big surprises, the unknown, and anything outside of my control can make me panic.

Major Depressive Disorder: I’m tired a lot, and I often have trouble focusing or concentrating for long periods of time. Small things like putting something away takes extra effort, and I’ll often lose interest in things I normally enjoy. Since I was at least thirteen years old, I’ve also experienced thoughts of self-harm and suicide.

OCD: This links back to my anxiety, and it’s connected to the derma/trich stuff. I don’t do well when I don’t know something, or there’s any sort of uncertainty. I need things to be done in a certain way, and often in a certain order, or my brain will figuratively set itself on fire. I also need things organized in a specific way, or I get the same result. That’s the obsessive part. The compulsive part comes from following a somewhat strict routine along with counting in specific patterns, arranging my stuff in specific ways, and stuff like that.

Trichotillomania: Similar to the dermatillomania, but with hair. Often without thinking, I’ll pull my hair out. Sometimes, I do it purposefully because my brain thinks it helps with anxiety. This has also led to me having general issues when it comes to my hair in general.

What that family/personal history looked like for me:

Alcoholism: A lot of people in my family, including both parents, are alcoholics. They consume a lot of alcohol. I was pressured to start drinking alcohol when I was around 13-14 years old. When I was in my late teens, I would drink just to make myself feel better. Due to my intense fear of throwing up, though, I never let myself progress past tipsy. I don’t drink any alcohol now due to my medications and the knowledge that I could easily fall into alcoholism.

Emotional abuse: This is wide-ranging and extensive, honestly, and gaslighting was a huge part of it. What I’m going to do instead is link some things that explain what I lived with for most of my life. With this article from PsychCentral, I can check off every single thing on that list. This link from womenshealth.gov also covers what I dealt with.

Involvement in a cult: Insert nervous laughter. Starting around the end of middle school to the start of high school, my parents started getting involved in a cult that centers itself on therapy and self-help with some spiritual elements. Therapy through them was the only way to get help, or it wasn’t valid. My family is still involved in this cult, and I managed to get myself out of it when I moved back in 2013.

Loss of family members: In 2005, I suddenly lost my godfather, my dad’s brother. I saw him as more of a father than my biological dad, especially considering he curbed or otherwise acted as a buffer for my dad’s abusive behavior. In 2011, I lost my paternal grandmother, someone I was incredibly close to and trusted more than my parents. She also helped curb my parents’ abusive behavior, and her house was a safe place for me to go.

Neglect: I’ve said this before when talking about my epilepsy, but I was not allowed to go to doctors. Any medical issues, which included mental illnesses, I had were my fault, too expensive, inconvenient, or all in my head. It is also my belief that my mother pressured my pediatrician to tell me that my seizures were not neurological when I was sixteen years old. To this day, my parents are still very anti-doctor and borderline anti-vax.

Whoo, that was a lot of stuff, and I’m not even done---because of course not. Now, as the last part (I think), I’m going to list some things I do and personality quirks as a result of all this shit.

Confrontation/angry voices scares the ever-loving shit out of me. I shut down. I dissociate. I freeze, or I otherwise try to escape. Sometimes, this will come across as me trying to find ways to change the subject, not saying anything at all, or just agreeing with things because it’s easier.

I cry when people tell me they love me, and I often have to stop myself from saying things like “Thank you”, “Why?”, or asking for further explanation.

I doubt my memory and emotions a lot. To combat this, I keep logs, paper trails, and notes of just about everything. If I remember something that someone else doesn’t, or I have a different emotional response than someone else, I tend to assume the other person is right.

I feel guilty for everything. Somehow, everything becomes my fault, my responsibility, and I have to fix everything. This leads to apologies being my go-to responses for a lot.

I have trouble advocating for myself or saying that I need something. Needing things = bad in my brain.

I info-dump. My brain tells me people should have all of the information possible, so I do it. This includes telling people when I’m going to bed for the night or when I’m going somewhere.

I only feel safe crying when there’s no one else around.

I overthink every single thing I say and type.

I put everything in alphabetical order if possible.

I use writing to cope with feelings and other issues I’m dealing with.

I will listen to sad or otherwise emotional songs over and over again to help me get feelings out.

I will often perceive my issues as “not as bad as what other people deal with” and not talk about them. I’ll downplay what I deal with and shove it under a rug while trying to help others because, otherwise, I’ll feel selfish, self-centered, and attention-seeking.

If I can’t have my bowl of cereal for breakfast in the morning, it has the power to ruin my entire day, and I feel rather silly about it.

Lots of all or nothing and black and white thinking. Perfectionism also plays into this. If I can’t do something right the first time, or if things aren’t done perfectly, my brain will not let it go.

Physical contact without my explicit and verbal consent makes me cringe and feel incredibly uncomfortable. It can get to the point that even the thought of it happening triggers nausea. 

These are explanations for things I do and why I act in certain ways. They are not excuses, and they are things I’m working on to the best of my ability. I’m currently on a wait list to get a new psychologist so I can start going to therapy again since I know I need it. When I had it in the past, it was incredibly helpful and empowering to me. Since about February, my depression started to get worse, especially as I felt like things were falling apart around me. It rises and it falls. Nowadays, it’s just a little worse in the sense that I find shutting down easier, and I struggle to do anything that isn’t a video game.

Mental health is just as important as physical health, and it needs to be acknowledged as such. If sharing what I deal with helps even one person, then I consider it worth it.

That is all. I hope everyone is doing okay. If you’re not, though, that’s okay. It’s okay to not have good days or otherwise not feel physically or mentally okay. One day, that lesson will stick with me on a more permanent basis.

Love,

Kai

[thistangledbrain]

Day 19 & 20!

Day 19 - “I hate it when...”

As you’ve gleaned from prior posts, I hate it when you forget autism is a developmental disorder and not an intellectual one. We are so. Fucking. Tired. Of being treated as lesser, or like we don’t understand what you’re saying to us.

Outside of the reactions to others’ behavior, though, I have some personal “I hate it when”...I’ve let you into my mind and told you what I appreciate about how my brain works, but there are things I don’t like, for sure.

I hate that personal stressor things trigger a toddler-like need to SHUT DOWN. Like writing this blog, for example...the vulnerability I feel usually leads to a need to go to sleep for a long time, once I’m finished. Or after a long day socializing. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to engage my brain anymore, I just need to shut all systems down and sleep. Especially if there’s been a meltdown (meltdown—->shutdown)...and oh boy do I hate meltdowns. They’re really rare, thank dog.

I hate that my executive function is an absolute bag of ass. This is probably the biggest thing I would change. It got infinitely worse when my disability got bad (EDS), for some reason. And it drives me up the damn wall.

I hate my low function days/moments. It’s like my brain just won’t kick into gear, or the gears and wheels are rusty and grinding, & it’s rather anxiety inducing. I usually “hide” on my low days, sometimes in my darkened bedroom, and watch favorite shows or movies, or get lost in a good book - if I can. On low days I find myself re-reading crap constantly because it’s not making any sense, so I’ll even avoid complicated recipes...I have no idea why these days/moments happen, but boy do they piss me off/make me anxious (that’s kind of the same thing for me. My anxiety nearly always manifests as anger). On my low days, you’ll see (if you were a fly on the wall, because I suppress this even around my own family), me walking in tight, anxious figure 8’s and flapping my hands in a distressed way, as I anxiously try to mentally kick my brain into gear. (It doesn’t work, but it IS a little soothing. And my dogs are SO sweet...they gather around me tightly and just seem to know I need them.)

🤷🏻‍♀️ There’s probably more I could expound on that I don’t like, but writing this one has been pretty distasteful. I try not to dwell on things I hate anymore, so I’ve put this entry down multiple times and come back to it when I’m in a decent frame of mind. I think I’m tired of talking about it now, so I’m gonna just stop talking.....

Which is a good segue into Day 20 -

————————————-

“Communication”

Ahh communication. This entry will be long, because I have a lot to communicate LOL....

Personally, I write far more coherently and eloquently than I speak. My brain goes too fast...I often trip over words; my brain’s three steps ahead of what’s coming out of my mouth and I get scrambled sometimes. I can also take the time to think about what I want to say/HOW I want to say it. Like many autistics, I’m a blurter. LOL...I am constantly trying to remind myself, just because I think it, doesn’t mean I have to say it. This gets a LOT of us in trouble...one of my most memorable examples is, I *loudly* blurted “that’s BULLSHIT!!” in a church one time. (I was speaking on how my devout Methodist grandmother, who regularly takes communion at her church, was not permitted to receive communion in a Catholic church, merely because she isn’t Catholic, despite the fact that this woman is all about some Jesus & a devoted churchgoer - not just on Easter and Christmas.) In my defense, it WAS (IS) bullshit. I just didn’t need to practically yell that in church. As you can imagine, it was like a needle scratching across a record & everyone turned to stare. (My poor husband rescued me.) 🤦🏻‍♀️ Sigh. It’s a good idea to keep me out of most church services.

I am rather famous (infamous?) for calling bullshit straight to someone’s face, BLUNTLY. It’s out of my mouth before my brain’s “tact gatekeeper” I’ve spent over a decade trying to train is even half awake at his post (it’s a him because my husband is the one who taught me how to use tact in the first place. And it’s a him because said “gatekeeper” is lazy and falls asleep on the job all the time 😆). Have you ever just blurted your honest thoughts and heard shocked gasps or someone just busts out laughing? Yeah. That happens to me regularly. Or uncomfortable chuckles and someone will blink a few times and say, “oohhhkay, well, you could said that a different way.” (My old response to that was, I’m not responsible for what your reaction is to what I say...you’re in charge of your own feelings. I *understand* now how irresponsible and unfeeling that is, and I try to keep that in the front of my mind, even when I’m frustrated and nearly burning up with the desire to speak my thoughts in their raw form, but this is routinely an area I struggle to adapt to...and I am very sorry when I hurt someone I care about.)

On the other side of this same coin though, this is a trait my friends respect deeply, because I’m not cruel hearted or anything. You always know where you stand with me, and I’m the last person to try and lie to you. I SUUUUUCK at lying. And on the rare times when I do, I usually end up eventually telling on myself (this drove my older stepsister NUTS when we were kids, because she liked to do lots of sneaky things, and I don’t have an inherently sneaky nature LOL...so “DO NOT tell momma” was a *serious* risk for her, if she let me tag along 😂). Lying to someone just feels disgusting. Oily. Shameful. I hate lying. Plus, my short term memory is a grabasstic bag of CRAP, so there’s a good chance I won’t remember the lie and get caught anyway. 🤷🏻‍♀️ My boys also suck at lying or hiding stuff, and generally prefer not to...but I also give them a safe forum to be honest. (I’m sure there’s LOTS of crap I don’t know, but you’d be surprised how much they DO tell me.)

Another thing with me personally is that I go mute sometimes. I’m not being deliberately obstinate. I’m not REFUSING to speak in those moments...sometimes I literally can’t, and the effort of doing so will make me gag, or even projectile vomit. Sounds very dramatic, doesn’t it? It is. (And it annoys the SHIT out of me.) There’s not a fucking thing i can do about it. The movement of my tongue in my mouth will literally begin to trigger my gag reflex, and if I try to power through it, I’m rewarded with my lunch returning to the surface anyway, regardless of my desires, and sometimes rather unexpectedly & violently. USUALLY this happens when I’m uber stressed, but sometimes it seems kind of out of the blue & catches even me off guard. If this happens but I still have something to say, I start texting instead, and explain. Most people - especially my hubby - are very kind when this happens. (I don’t want your pity, I just want you to switch to written communication for a minute until I can figuratively kick the fuck out of the engine in my “speaking center” and get it to work again.) Other times, I will literally get tired of talking. Like my mouth and tongue - and somehow, the “word forming” part of my brain feels physically exhausted (weird, I know, but I also spend the vast majority of my life silent - I am home alone all day, hate talking on the phone, and simply don’t speak much, by choice. So maybe it is actual “mouth fatigue” 😂😂😂 - I’ve stopped eating before because I just got tired of chewing, too, even though I’m still somewhat hungry. 🙄) I am usually *perfectly* happy to keep listening! And I’ll stay engaged in the conversation usually. I am just...done audibly talking. I’ll literally say “my mouth is tired of making the sounds now, but please keep going”...but I think my husband is the only one who doesn’t find this unusual, and rolls with it. It usually happens after a long, animated conversation...instead of winding down, though, it just..stops. If I try to keep going, cue the gagging. I can stay engaged in the conversation if you let me start writing/typing instead of speaking, for my responses. So that’s a “fun” little trait of mine that many neurotypicals find unsettling. Please don’t take it personally. My mouth just doesn’t want to make the words anymore - and I’m probably mostly done adding what I needed to add to the conversation anyway. I’m a great listener when this happens, though. 😆

Communication is a really interesting thing with all of us, because it’s a struggle on one level or another. I will tell you, it’s a frequent topic in my groups. “WHY CAN’T NEUROTYPICALS JUST SAY WHAT THE FUCK THEY MEAN?!?! 😩😩😩” I’m dead serious - you might think, because we’re sensitive (generally), we can’t “handle” it? You’d be so very wrong. What we can’t handle is when you dance around a subject or we have to try and translate what you just said to us (which most of us are not that good at). Just fucking say it! Nine times out of ten, you’ll just get a look of dawning realization and a “oh, shit, okay” response. We can handle it. Just. Say. It. We’ll respect you a lot more in the morning, LOL 😆

I think every autistic has some sort of beef with neurotypicals when it comes to communication (as I’m sure you have yours with us, obviously).

You guys operate under some weird ass rules that we simply don’t understand - especially if you don’t tell us those rules & just expect us to know. Like, if my husband hadn’t patiently taken years to show/teach me how the way I said certain things were hurtful, I would still be in the “yeah she’s cool but she’s kind of an asshole” territory. (I still struggle to grasp this, or at least it still frustrates me....truth is truth, whether it’s an ironclad general fact or your own personal truth - and yes sometimes the truth hurts, but like...I don’t pin any responsibly for that on the truth teller, if that makes sense?)

Working in rescue also helped hone my ability to speak “neurotypically” to others - I work with a LOT of women, and boy do a lot of them NOT appreciate when you bluntly tell them what you think. Men on the other hand....

I know *lots* of autistic women who prefer friendships with men, largely centering around this communication thing. We hurt men’s feelings a little less regularly than other women’s. I know I was like that, until I got a little more used to how I have to modify my communication with most women (but that annoys me, I’m gonna be honest - it annoys my Autie friends, too). The only time I am as starkly blunt as I used to be, is when speaking to my female Autie friends (because they can handle it), or most of the dudes I’m friends with. But if my message is getting “lost in the sauce” and you’re not getting my point, I usually give a frustrated sigh, WARN you that I’m about to tell you flatly what I need to say, because we aren’t getting anywhere, and just say it.

Yes I am the friend who, when you gush on and on about your new back yard bred puppy, talking all about how you’re gonna breed him when he grows up, is gonna flatly say “he’s not breeding quality”, if they’re not. Then I’m gonna ask you why you want to do such a thing, given that you’re aware of the massive load of rescue dogs (PARTICULARLY Great Danes and Cane Corsos) - and probably beat your argument down every step of the way. That doesn’t always go badly though - one of my closest friends was considering breeding their dog, and while it was a beautiful dog, it was not one that should reproduce (from an “improve the breed” perspective). We barely knew each other, but I gained a reputation for being kind but starkly honest...and I knew what I was talking about...and now I have this person’s deep respect, and they have mine (because they listened and did the research I asked them to - and did not add to the breed population). So it’s not *always* a trainwreck, because the people who end up respecting how I communicate, usually end up VERY close friends. AND I WANT THAT IN RETURN, which is refreshing for a LOT of people. I want your dead honesty in return - PLEASE. It’s so much easier for me to process and accept. For example, my house is almost constantly in some sort of disarray. I have one friend who will come in and go, “girl. I almost can’t breathe in here - this clutter is too much”(and then she offers to help me tackle it!!).

Or, fairly recently, “oh my god those curtains are so horrible, I hope you’re getting rid of those when you redo this room.”

“But I MADE those curtains! I love that print!”

“Ugh. No. They’re terrible. Get rid of them.”

My feelings were not hurt in the LEAST (I of course had a flash of “you bitch, I was so excited to find that print and I MADE THOSE, ya jerk” 😂). At first I said, “well you’re just gonna have to suck it up and deal with my shitty curtains, because I like them” 😂, but then as I was redoing the room, I took them down...and it DID look a lot better, so I left them down 😂😂😂....

So I guess my point with all this is: every autie I know deeply wishes you’d just fucking spit it out. We WILL often miss or misinterpret the point if you “fluff” it too much (around my neck of the woods, we call it putting too much gild on the lily, though I’ve never understood that one. Idk if a “gilded lily” is/was ever a thing, why anyone would gild a lily in the first place...LOTS of us struggle with colloquialisms that don’t make literal sense. 😆 Recently a friend was baffled over “shit in one hand and wish in the other and see which fills up faster”, and fully half of the respondents to her post were people baffled by why anyone would shit in their hand - I and a couple others had to explain, and it just ended with them going “well that’s a fucking stupid saying anyway, and wishes aren’t things you can put in your hands, either” 😂😂😂...but I’m from the south, and these things are just part of our vocab. MOST of them are easy to grasp for me, like “nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs”, because I immediately picture it and can grasp the meaning. But others I don’t get - the gilded lily is one LOL)...

We are LITERAL AS FUCK. It’s why we ruin lots of jokes, too. My poor husband is the dad joke king - and I ruin fully 1/3 or more of his jokes by being too literal (which he also finds amusing, so that’s good). Sometimes we realize we’re ruining the joke but we don’t care, because it’s dumb, or we just .... can’t....HELP IT. 😩😂

Jeez, I could almost write all day about autistics and communication LOL!!

But to summarize (and not succinctly, sorry), I guess, for me and many many others...we are often blunt, direct, almost painfully honest, and very, very literal. Your unspoken rules of communication absolutely go over our heads, unless you - yannow - *communicate* and explain them. We’ll probably tell you those rules are stupid and exhausting, but we will TRY and stick to it as best we can. But see, we literally have to think about every single word that comes out of our mouths, because we communicate far more directly than you weird fuckers do. And it is literally actually exhausting. It’s not an easily natural thing for us to adapt to, your weird way of saying things but not saying what you really mean. You’re wasting a LOT of words there, sir, and we are now getting obsessively confused over why you would do such a thing. 😂 It’s also why I keep getting banned from Facebook. My recent one was because I said - in one of my Autie “safe” groups, where I should be able to just say what I mean - that I tend to punch or want to punch people who deliberately startle the shit out of me. We were talking about how stupid April Fool’s Day was, and how we hate pranks. Three of us got banned for 30 days for just...well. Facebook called it “incitement of violence”. 🙄🥺🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼

But I haven’t met - yet, maybe? - an autistic person who is cruel natured - not one of us gets any joy from being a bully type. WE feel everything on a higher level, so we kind of assume you do, too...you might think, “then why are you such an asshole?!”, but it’s simply that we - or every Autie I know, anyway - struggle to grasp how directly communicating your feelings is so fuckin hard or hurtful for y’all. I think anyone struggles to grasp something they themselves don’t experience. All you have to do is explain, though, and keep guiding us towards communicating in ways that we both find acceptable. I mean we’re champs at accepting all manner of different human - regardless of race, sexuality, and so on - but the communication is one area that frustrates the ever loving SHIT out of most of us, because it makes so little logical sense why anyone would say a bunch of useless words that muddy up their intent.

My closing advice? Help Your Pet Autie ™️ (this is absolutely a tongue in cheek term btw) understand how you’d like to be communicated with, and guide us. BE SPECIFIC for fucks sake - we suck at guessing what you might want, and it’s so frustrating that we’ll often just stop communicating at all. Instead of saying “it hurts me when you say this”, try saying “the WAY you said this hurt my feelings because of ____. Maybe you could put it like this instead” (or, “you know, you should really just keep shit like that to yourself”) and *give examples*. Don’t expect us to come up with different ways of saying shit, because we don’t understand what it is specifically you want, and it’s not very logical, therefore it’s not “natural” for us. Plus, everyone is different. I can’t talk to one of my sons the same way I can talk to the other, without certain negative reactions. Give us a chance to know your needs - we DO CARE!!! - but be CLEAR. I know in your world, tact is a big deal, but MOST of us will miss the fucking point if you’re too tactful (and when we misinterpret, we always err on the side of worst case scenario, and make the issue wayyyyy bigger than it should be. Being clear is soooo important).

And hey. Maybe it’ll help clear up some communication in other areas of your life. Being clear isn’t a license to be a fucking asshole; nobody’s giving you a license to unleash on everyone about how much you can’t stand humans...if WE hafta be quiet about that, so do you lmao...fair’s fair. 😆 But quit hedging and hinting and hoping we will pick up on the whatever your grievance is - because we won’t. We’ll just know you’re unhappy, and start panicking over guessing what we did wrong, and just shut down, because we have no idea.

Just. Fucking. Say it. 😘

[ramblings-of-a-mad-cat]

To you, how good are the vault crew at duelling and how do they duel? I think that Tonks is someone who uses more unconventional ways like in a courtyard making use of obstacles rather than a normal duelling club, Barnaby has strong spells and is able to tank damage, Chiara is the underestimated one who spams protego and episkey, takes no damage,winning through occasional offensive spells no one sees coming, and Merula duels offensively with cunning. I also can't believe MC just wins every time.

A very good question! Let’s go through the gang one by one. 

MC - This is definitely open to interpretation. All we know for certain is that they’re either very good at dueling, very lucky, or some combination of the two. They’ve defeated acromantulas, dragons, unexplained ice golems, the list goes on. They’ve only ever lost to one person. So their style is open to interpretation (I think this was customizable during Aurelie’s quest) but in general, they usually win. This can be amended with head-canons, and I do have some of my own. Luca Fawley totally loses to the Red Cloak, to the Horntail, etc. But canon wise? Yeah...it is what it is. 

Rowan - They’re not much of a duelist. I can’t imagine they have any experience in combat magic apart from helping MC prepare to face Merula all the way back in Year 1. Given their extensive knowledge however, they probably know more magic than the average person, and they’re probably the most skilled at casting spells nonverbally. To translate that to game mechanics, maybe that means they know all of the exclusive dueling reward spells? In terms of style, I feel like they’d favor defense.

Ben - This one is all about confidence. We’ve seen that Ben’s prowess at dueling seems to depend on whether or not his anxieties are holding him back or not. Most of the time, he seems like he would completely fail, but when he actually fights - either in Y6CH18, when he’s let go of his anxiety, or when he was the Red Cloak (So it wouldn’t come into play) he actually kind of kicks ass? I feel like he specializes in charms and would know which ones to use in combat. I also think Old Ben favors sneaking, New Ben favors offense.

Penny - Another character who wouldn’t specialize in fighting, but the inclusion of the Wiggenweld Potion as an option that is known to be useful in dueling suggests, at least in HPHM canon, that adept potioneers can use their talents in a fight. I don’t really see how that works, personally (The animation takes forever, why wouldn’t the opponent just hit them mid-swig?) but I can roll with it. Penny’s style would therefore be highly unpredictable, which would be her main advantage. No one would know what to expect because it’s not her spells that they’re primarily fighting.

Merula - Like you said, she’s cunning. She probably knows a fair few hexes that most people don’t know, at least early on. Similar to Snape, she would have had an early advantage thanks to learning stuff on her own (or probably from her mother) and while she’s not above using the dark arts, that also takes talent and an edge that I feel like Merula doesn’t usually have. She would have a blend of offensive and sneaking, and would play without any honor at all, which would be her main advantage. But she’d also get cocky, and probably celebrate a victory before it’s confirmed. 

Bill - Here is someone who, at least to me, probably excels at Defense Against the Dark Arts. He’d have been in the D.A. if it was around during his time. But strictly light side magic, of course. He plays honorably, probably with a blend of offense and defense to help him manage particularly long fights. But he has a lot of natural talent, so that’s able to help him out. 

Skye - As one can expect, her primary strength in dueling isn’t her magical prowess, it’s her physical fitness. Catch her dodging every curse like a bludger, ducking and rolling over. Throwing a punch because her opponent doesn’t expect that at all, and if she can snap a broomstick in half, odds are she also has a mean right hook. As far as magic actually goes, I figure she’d favor offense and be straight to the point. If there was ever a character to live up to the “Spam depulso” meme, it’s Skye.

Murphy - The opposite situation would apply here. Murphy can’t rely on dodging curses or moving around quite as easily. But I also feel like he wouldn’t spend a lot of time studying dueling itself. But he also knows a lot of trivia. Similar to Rowan, he’d pull out a spell that no one expects or has even heard of. He could also probably keep a few potions on his person, especially if he ever hangs out with Penny. 

Orion - I’m going to be real with you. I think Orion does not duel. Period. This is similar to a head-canon I used to have about Yoda never carrying a lightsaber (which the prequels debunked, but that’s neither here nor there) I believe Orion is a pacifist and will never pick up his wand to harm another person. The most he will ever do is disarm or cast a shield charm. Even then, it’s not common. He prefers to talk his way out of situations, and something tells me it works more often than one would expect.

Rath - Here’s another case where physical prowess would be on her side. Not only that, there’s the intimidation factor. Rath is taller and bigger than most of her classmates, and it seems to be canon that she intimidates them for that reason. Beyond that, she also seems to have an ability to just shut down and go into a mode of focus, which includes focused rage. I know curses aren’t bludgers, but I feel like her training would still have an influence and make her aim, for example, twice as deadly. Yeah, she’d be a tough opponent and probably favor offense. 

Andre - This boy has never dueled in his life, and I doubt he’s any good at it. His magical talents and creativity are undeniable, but when it comes to combat? He should probably just hide behind MC. If it comes to it, I think he’s going to favor sneaking more. Just seems more like his style, considering that by his own admission, he likes to spy on people.

Tonks - Okay, the main thing holding her back here is going to be the opposite problem that someone like Andre or Diego would have, and that’s dexterity and grace. We all love Tonks, but she’s almost certainly dyspraxic. I can see her aiming a finishing hex, only to trip over a nearby pebble. Apart from that, I agree. Her style would be resourceful and unconventional. I can see her transfiguring herself into different people to throw off her opponent. Definitely a sneaky type. 

Tulip - Meet the most versatile duelist at Hogwarts. Seriously, with her inventive mind, her resources, and the influence of people like Merula and MC. Tulip can do anything that occurs to her, and she will. I feel like she favors carrying dungbombs and other pranks, to incorporate them into her dueling style. But she’s no pushover with magic, either. I’d say she doesn’t specialize but switches freely between offense, defense, and sneaking.

Ismelda - A more exaggerated version of Merula’s problem, in that in the early years, Ismelda would be simply terrible at dueling because she would attempt to use dark curses that she has neither the talent nor the cruelty to truly master. Other than that, we’ve seen that she has at least marginal talent for dueling and the use of curses and hexes. Practice doesn’t make perfect in this case, but it counts for something. She definitely strikes me as more offensive. 

Barnaby - He plays most similarly to Bill in this case. I think he would focus more on offensive magic, given what he’d learn as a Slytherin rather than being in the Gryffindor Common room. But his code of honor would be the same as the Weasleys, and while dueling isn’t his passion the way creatures are, he does seem to enjoy it and is very good at it. 

Liz - On the contrary, Liz is like Andre and Penny. This is not someone who ever draws her wand because she wants to, even for practice. That being said, that doesn’t mean Liz is not the argumentative type. Because she clearly is, and she’s clearly sensitive about being stereo-typed. In general, she seeks to protect the misunderstood and mistreated. If it came to it, she would draw her wand in those circumstances and likely play defensively. But she prefers to resolve conflicts verbally.

Charlie - Growing up a Weasley, you’d pick up a thing or two, of course. Especially being so close in age to Bill. These brothers definitely clashed and went to war (all in good fun) throughout their childhood. Fred and George probably ignited it, but Bill and Charlie do seem to exchange jabs with Percy as well. The main thing here is that Charlie would have learned a number of spells to subdue a dragon, and at least some of those probably translate to humans. So he’d be able to restrain an opponent in a duel.

Talbott - He holds back. He always holds back. Let’s think about this - his greatest secret weapon is one that he will always need to keep a secret and is constantly anxious about. He’s anxious in general, so similar to Ben, I think he could be a lot more powerful if he let loose. As a human or as an eagle. Seriously, golden eagles are fierce. Of all the animals to be in a fight, you could do a lot worse than a golden eagle. (I know this because I’m an Animorphs nerd.) So yeah, his biggest weakness is a mental one.

Chiara - Assuming that this is human Chiara, and not in her wolf-form, I feel like she’s another character who’s all but useless in combat. Though you’re right, this would lead to people underestimating her, and she is a Healer. There’s such a thing as army doctors for a reason. Between healing herself and setting up shields, she could probably tire out her opponent by tanking and playing defensively. 

Jae - The embodiment of the sneaking archetype. Seriously, he is a living, breathing example of the Thief build from RPGs. While I don’t think he’d stoop to using dark magic, he definitely knows some less scrupulous spells. Probably Deletrius, and whatever spell is needed to break into Alohomora-proof locks. As for dueling? Here’s another character who would probably depend on potions or other tools that he has on his person, to supplement his own magical talents, since dueling wouldn’t be something he studied too much. 

Badeea - In so many says, she is the most dangerous opponent on this list. Because her primary talent in the case of dueling makes her even more unpredictable than Tulip. Badeea...is a spell inventor. That alone gives her an edge, and she’s clearly an intelligent, talented witch otherwise. I don’t think dueling would be her first choice, mind you. Similar to Orion and Liz, I think she would see other methods to resolve conflict. But if it came to it, there’s just no way to prepare for an opponent like Badeea. 

Diego - He’s probably one of the most talented duelists on this list, if I’m being honest. We know that like Barnaby, he enjoys dueling and probably gets a lot of practice. Combined with his talents in dancing, he would be physically fit and know how to move. I can see him having an extremely graceful dueling style where his wand is nothing more than an extension of his arm, and his preferred style would be whatever he felt like that day.

Beatrice - She would get destroyed. I love her, but it’s true. Her magical education is a year behind, and who knows what kind of long-term effects her time in the Portrait could have on her physical body. Not to mention that outfit looks a little too big for her, which would restrict movement. I think in terms of raw talent and overall effort and motivation, she could score a few hits, catch someone by surprise. But in a real duel? She’s not winning. 

Alanza - I have no idea what Alanza’s levels of talent would be. But in general...she does seem to land on her feet, does seem to shrug off most things as water off a duck’s back. Survival skills apparently come easily to her, and she seems to just overall be a person who leads a charmed life. This is all assuming that there isn’t some other shoe to drop with Alanza, I think she would win duels entirely by accident. 

[thebleuroseproject]

Ludus

Name: Ludus

Nicknames: Many, but none that really stuck

Pronouns: They/Them, He/Him

Gender: Genderfluid

Sex: AMAB

Sexual Orientation: Marsic, but money is money.

Age: 23 (Lifespan 90-150 years)

Class/Status: Moderate. He gets by and has a little extra from time to time.

Physical Description: 

Height: 6’5”  | Weight: 10.5 stone

Ludus is wiry purple hellspawn with pupiless green eyes that can leave his face hard to read, as it’s hard to tell where he’s looking specifically. He’s hard to miss in a crowd, being tall, often covered in jewelry and clad in provocative clothing that colour-matches well with his skin. A prominent feature are his horns, small and neatly pointed; they curve around his skull elegantly, ending just a few inches in front of his forehead and sitting just above his browline like a sort of natural crown.They are a deeper purple than his skin, and are often covered in various tidbits of jewelry. His lips are naturally purple, only a little darker than his skin, but Ludus is rarely seen without black lipstick, as anyone with a true sense of style knows that this is peak fashion. 

He looms over most people, with his intimidation showing not through his weight or size (because his ribs almost show through his chest) but through his cutting sarcasm and high perception when it comes to people, which some do fear him for. He isn’t afraid to get into people’s personal space when he wants to - which can leave many feeling unnerved, either by the lack of space, the headiness of the scent he wears or by physical attraction to him.

His physicality could still be seen as intimidating in some ways, as it’s clear there is some muscle behind those legs. Where one would expect those legs to end in feet, as they do on MOST humanoids, they instead end in a very solid pair of hooves inset with gold filigree - which look to be very painful if one was to be kicked by them.

There is no beauty without pain, and while Ludus has no tattoos (they don’t always match with their clothes), he has plenty of piercings from his ears to the tip of his pointed tail which he puts in or takes out to match with his current style. His thick black hair is shaved into a mohawk and grown from there, often braided and intertwined with yet MORE jewelry and dip dyed in a bright colour of their choosing. Like every part of Ludus’ body, it is cared for meticulously with an efficient routine. Only the best to look the best, he doesn’t care where it came from. If he needs to kill a puppy for good skin cream, then to the dog house Ludus shall go. 

Quirks: Despite his best efforts, Ludus cannot stop chewing his nails. He often does it unconsciously and then becomes angry at ruining his own manicure. As a result, his nails are always short which is just as well really -  it’s best they are to avoid any unnecessary injury in his line of work. Hellspawn nails, or rather claws at a certain point, can get VERY sharp. Aside from this, Ludus is a very clean individual - a very important habit as a sex worker.

Ludus ALWAYS buys gold jewelry but keeps (and wears) any he is given regardless of colour. He doesn’t mind silver, but in his opinion it doesn’t pop as much as gold does on purple skin.

He doesn’t have a phobia of anything as far as he knows - but he hasn’t exactly gotten out enough to find or SEE a lot of things to be scared of and is drunk most of the time due to his alcohol dependence. One thing he will flinch at occasionally, is someone raising their hand that he interprets to hit him. It’s a reflex at this point, and he hates it but isn’t sure how he can train it out of himself.

Morality: Neutral -   “You do you and I’ll do me - unless I want something from you, or you’re being a shithead to something I personally care about.”

{Art by Kerry}

Personality 

Strengths/Weaknesses: 

Strengths: Perceptive, Bold, Enthusiastic 

Ludus, despite his lack of a formal education, is a very quick learner - although this mostly applies to things of a sexual nature. They will learn very quickly how you like your blowjobs, or what exactly to say to get the job done as it were. His line of work has led him to be flexible and open minded in more ways than one, a fact they are very proud of. It's also given him an excellent fashion sense, although it does lean heavily into sexual wear. 

When it comes to his work and his skin care routine, they are extremely diligent - and perhaps with the right call to adventure, this could be applied to other areas of their life.

For the most part, Ludus is reliable. If you need something done that fits in with his schedule and that he agrees with, he'll get it done. It can be difficult to negotiate with him, but 95% of the time, they're easygoing. The other 5% is when they’ve lost their temper - or when they’re paid to be the dominant or similar.

This easy going nature really does show in Ludus' enthusiasm and lust for life. They are ALWAYS down to party or throw down, and this energy can be very infectious in others. This doesn't mean that Ludus is loud and bouncing off the walls, but he’s definitely the type to have a small crowd around him at a table. He’ll often go with the flow and the desires of the group - but if uninterested, he will just leave. There’s no chance of them slipping away after all, so Ludus will just state his disinterest and take his leave if it’s something he’s not in the mood for.

Ludus is also bold, he is not scared to do what needs to be done (in his opinion - which can lead to trouble). They have NO shame or concern for their well-being or social grace, he grew up as a despised minority in a brothel after all - but please, don't punch the face.

Despite this mostly fast paced lifestyle, mostly given to him by his work, Ludus CAN be caring and does know when the party needs to stop. If he sees someone in trouble or someone that's clearly overworked and/or tired - he will slip them a mug of water or something to help them along. He often did this for his co-workers at the Lupanar, it has almost become second nature to help those struggling from fatigue or hangover.

Weaknesses: Insecure, Impulsive, Complacent 

Ludus is not very forthcoming with his emotions due to his insecurity, and this shows through his flirting outside of work, which could be taken as platonic or sexual. He is bold, but he doesn’t think he’s worthy of actual love, and protects himself by being somewhat of a shy tsundere when it comes to people they like. They will help someone (eg, carry them to bed if they fall asleep somewhere) but will never admit to actually doing so.

This insecurity has led to a tendency to stagnate and just accept abusive relationships and situations as their lot. This has led to slow processing of trauma, and the unhealthy handling of it via the consumption of alcohol like it was water. Despite being a functional alcoholic, he is still a lightweight due to how little he eats, combined with his slim frame. As a result, Ludus is actually drunk most of the time, but you would find it hard to tell due to his experience in being drunk and due to the fact he is absolutely just as bold when he is sober.

He can be kind, but the side that shows most is the one that is judgmental and critical of others which leads to him running his mouth at the wrong time. You would think he would learn after getting hit at the bar/brothel every time he did so, but he doesn’t. He sees it as part of his ‘charm’, some clients like a challenge after all and he sees it as an integral part of his identity - one that he will never let go.

In spite of having a bold and outlandish personality - Ludus is not a leader. He loves parties, but he is not the type to plan them, purely because he is uninterested in the effort that it takes. He brings his ass and the wine, which is all he and anyone else needs (in his opinion). In non party situations, the lack of desire to lead due to effort remains. He’s no babysitter - he would just prefer to point out what’s wrong and let others fix it - rather than having to fix it himself. No one wants to be that sucker in the group project that ends up doing everything after all.

Skills: 

Self taught makeup artist

Knows first aid.

Dances wonderfully

Decent pickpocket

Can use a knife as a weapon - their fighting almost looks like dancing.

Can tie all sorts of knots.

Has the ability to give almost anyone a makeover.

Good bartender, excellent mixologist, amazing dancer (modern).

Education: Ludus has never had a formal education, having been working from a very young age. Of course, his coworkers felt an obligation to teach him the basics (reading, speaking, basic numeracy) as well as skills required for the role (dancing, basic sewing, self defence)

His bardic powers were found by accident in his youth - and he doesn’t know too much about them or the extent of their abilities - he finds knives do the job in most situations. Ludus is very materialistic and prefers things he can see; he would need guidance to really start to focus on magic.

His intelligence comes from his love of gossip and people watching. They spend a good portion of time gathering information by loose lips either in public or the bedroom, and Ludus is often amazed at what people tell complete strangers.

Likes/Dislikes: In their spare time, Ludus can often be found at a bar. They love the taste of alcohol, especially STRONG sweet and fruity drinks. You’d NEVER catch them with an ale or similar unless they were paid handsomely to drink one. His casual drink is a GOOD red wine though, as they’re a bit of a wine snob and he always makes sure to stock up on bottles where he can.

(Fantasy note: Ludus would most likely have an unending flask of his favourite red wine.)

Since he isn’t a fan of eating unless he needs to, Ludus’ preferred side dish with his wine is a good old bitchy gossip. He loves hearing other people tell him about their lives and bitch about their problems, it fuels him somehow, makes his problems feel smaller - just for a little while.

When he’s not drinking and/or gossiping, Ludus is probably shopping. They love looking at clothes and perfume. He’s a fan of deep heady scents, such as jasmine and he likes people around him to be entranced in one way or another, as it’s easier to get what you want that way.

Ludus has learned to love certain parts of his work, even in his free time - he does enjoy good recreational sexual acts or even as a work around to get past certain people barring his path from certain things. In Ludus’ opinion, if you have a resource like money, make sure to use it.

There are other aspects of his work that he does not tolerate while off the clock, and one of these is rude clients - he is a gossipy bitch and a bit of a ‘mean girl’, so he does expect rudeness to be directed at him BECAUSE of this, but if there is no reason then Ludus will lose his temper very quickly. Being rude to those providing you a service or to someone you’ve just met is abhorrent, an attitude that has mainly developed not from rudeness towards him, but from the protectiveness he feels towards fellow sex workers. Ludus EXPECTS to be slapped and then to charm the slapper anyway, but the same treatment should not be given to workers just doing their job. He has no fear of any kind of bigotry, and will happily challenge anyone who doesn’t think his sexuality is ‘right’.

He’s also not a fan of anyone who doesn’t think or do anything for themselves, as they remind him of himself in the past before he realised the truth of his situation, and now this quality in others repulses him. This attitude has now resulted in Ludus doing things by himself as much as possible to the point where he rarely asks for help - even when it may be needed.

Childhood/Backstory: 

Ludus was born a hellspawn to two highly religious humans, who were immediately appalled by what they had produced, as hellspawn were seen as an extremely bad omen, especially when brought into the world this way. He was immediately sold to the only person that would take him, the local brothel owner known as ‘The Wolf’, who “raised” them and set them to work in the brothel far, far earlier than they should have.  

To keep Ludus, the Wolf kept a close eye on what Ludus learned and knew, forbidding them to ever leave the establishment due to hatred of his species and that he, as his guardian, had ‘saved’ them, rather than it being a rather cruel and illegal transaction. Ludus does not remember anything about their parents, and has no interest in ever knowing them after knowing what they did. He assumed the Wolf knew best, and followed his every order and command. Ludus knew no life outside of the Lupanar and didn’t need to - here they were lavished with many gifts from many appreciative ‘sugar’ clients and praised for being pretty. It was true that he was beaten occasionally, isolated outside of clients, and had to do things he didn’t want to do sometimes - but wasn’t that just life? Here, Ludus had everything he needed.

As a result of this lifestyle, Ludus became very materialistic and became obsessed with the things that earned him praise: his body and skill. After all, the prettier they looked, the less they got hit and abused because after all, people wouldn’t want to hurt such a pretty face. He became dedicated to dance practice and his skincare routine, and obsessed with what he ate for fear of getting fat - so he rarely ate at all - but drinking was often just part of the job. When he was being difficult, the Wolf would often get him drunk or drug him, so that the client could be satisfied. Ludus was assured that this was for ‘his own good’.

The Wolf and his coworkers were the only family he had, and while not all the other workers were complacent in their treatment - they had no choice. Bound by magical contract, blackmail or under similar delusions as Ludus, they were a tightly knit group who took it upon themselves to help and teach each other. This group was the closest Ludus ever had to a school, from them he learned to dance, to have sex, to read, to write, to sing and to defend themself when required with knives or information. The Wolf kept a close eye on all this learning, making sure Ludus believed he could never work or be anywhere else. It wasn’t safe, he was too stupid, he was only good here - so Ludus stayed. 

It took many years for Ludus to build up the desire as well as the courage to rebel, and it was for the reason that there must be better wine out there. At age fifteen, they started to sneak out and rebel a little, frequenting other bars and offering their services and their discretion rather than the Wolf’s. While there he often got drunk and told his stories, to the horror of most who heard them. A child doing such things, and to sound happy about it, was horrific to witness firsthand.

Ludus was taken aback at these reactions as they told him what was done to him was wrong, abusive, illegal even!

No, that couldn’t be true…

With the seed of doubt sown, Ludus started to worry about his situation, but didn’t know how he could possibly leave a job he flourished in as well as his family. All he could think of was to gather information from clients, a task he had already been assigned to do by the Wolf. Sex workers were one of the ears of the city and their clients often had loose lips, or were persuaded to have them with pleasurable means. Ludus now started to hoard some of this information for himself, learning anything he could that could possibly be useful for an escape. Blackmail, ships, people of interest - anything he could find. He still had to tell the Wolf enough to satisfy him, but now Ludus did not tell him everything. Stealing spell books from clients and discovering that through his dancing, he could manipulate magic, he honed his talents in secret.

It took many years for an opportunity to arise and for Ludus to feel comfortable enough to leave. He started to distance himself from the other workers - passing it off as being too busy or too tired from work, but it was really just to make the ‘goodbye ‘ easier. On the week of the harvest festival, at the age of 22, Ludus disguised himself and “persuaded” the head of a large entertainment (the music and dancing kind) to hide him in their trailers so he could smuggle out of the city with a nary a word to anyone. He needed to leave the Lupanar at all costs.

While travelling to the next town - he met a couple people he liked and has so far stuck with them, although he is now developing the thick skin some of his other ex colleagues had and not getting too attached to anyone. Being on the outside and talking about his past is continuing to teach him the depths of the evil done to him, and he is not coping well. His trauma response so far has been to drink even more and in order to regain control over his body, he has taken to hypersexuality to do his old work on HIS terms alone. 

Unfortunately, he doesn’t ask for help and often will push people away with a stubborn “I can do it myself” or “I don’t need help” which has led to a lot of trouble and members of the troupe having to drag him out of it. Ludus is strong though, and he staggers (metaphorically) along as best he can, determined to overcome his past.

Profession: Sex Worker | Dancer | Bard

Relationships: 

The Lupanar

Ivellios | ‘The Wolf’ | Male High Elf | Age ??? | Max Lifespan: Around 750 years, presumably.

Ivellios ‘The Wolf’ - A High Elf Wizard that was disgraced from his settlement and family due to his dabblings in the slave trade. He decided to continue this work regardless, branching out into the sex industry. Starting small, he bought others and made them work for little profit until he could purchase a large building in a major city, naming it the Lupanar and really spreading his wings as a pimp that specialised in magical contracts. Ludus was sold to him after he had owned this building for twenty years, having quickly made a name for himself through this brothel. He raised Ludus for his own means with a combination of emotional, mental and physical abuse, forbidding his little toy from leaving the establishment and closely monitoring what Ludus consumed from outside those walls, shaping them into the perfect sex worker. He never thought Ludus would need a contract to stay but underestimated his quarry massively.

Kuqi | Stripper Name: Cookie | Female Goblin | Age 18 | Max Lifespan: Around 60 years

“Come and get your milk and kuqi’s!”

Kuqi ran away from her clan at age 5 (middle aged for an average goblin) before she had to mate with a variety of goblins she really didn’t like. Goblins usually live and die quickly, and there were not many of her clan left so as one of the remaining females, Kuqi was expected to be a brood queen to get the clan back to full strength. Unfortunately for the clan, Kuqi wanted something better, and so she ran away, eventually arriving at the city the Lupanar was based at. Ivellious was amused by her plight and so took her on as a worker at her request - the conditions of her contract being that as long as she continues to work, she gets bed, board and birth control and as a bonus - a longer lifespan than the average goblin.

Ludus was ten when she arrived, and the two have an odd relationship due to the drastically different age rates of their species, and arguably their heights as well. The relationship fluctuated from little sister to maternal figure for Ludus, and back in their youth they got into all sorts of trouble, both having a strong streak of mischief in them. He misses her terribly some days, but knows she wouldn’t leave the Lupanar as she is VERY grateful to Ivellios and LOVES her work.

Mival | Stripper Name: Angel | Male Aasimar | Age: 60 | Max Lifespan: Around 160 years

Born into a superstitious and  mostly human community, Mival was revered strongly as a blessing and a saviour for their small village. He was commanded to do all sorts of petty tasks - ones he found hard to refuse with his polite and mild mannered self. As he grew older, the pressure grew on him - and eventually, he cracked. At age 17, he ran away to the city and he found himself with no shelter, no job, no long term means of survival. But he was very pretty, and a brothel was looking for workers. With no long term goals in mind and wishing to hide from his village - Mival made a pact with Ivellious. In exchange for his service, Merval would be hidden from the village and the people there. Of course, he can leave if he wishes, but his old village isn’t far from the city and he’s not hard to miss with his stark white hair that almost glows in the light. Not knowing what else he could do, Mival stayed.

As one of the first workers hired for the Lupanar, he was age 37 by the time a baby Ludus arrived in Ivellios’ arms. Horrified at Ludus’ treatment, but bound by contract to stay, he did the best he could to be a proper father figure to Ludus. Despite being asked to by a variety of clients, he never touched Ludus sexually and even was known to lose his rarely seen temper when pestered about it. He’s a gentle man, living up to his alias and race and there is not a day where Ludus doesn’t feel like he’s disappointed him during his struggle. A little of Ludus’ strength comes from the gentle faith that this man placed upon him.

Haze | Stripper Name: Haze | Agender Changeling | Age: 55 | Max Lifespan: Around 100 years

Haze is a mysterious figure whose past is unknown, but arrived at the Lupanar at age 32, covered in blood and looking for work… or as they put it..’something better to do’. Ivellios doesn’t like hiring anyone without a contract, but made an exception for a Changeling who he knew would make him a LOT of money in this business and that he could always get dirt on them for a contract later. To this day he hasn’t succeeded in getting Haze to sign anything, and it’s driving him to new levels of repressed rage.

Ludus was 16 when Haze arrived, but Haze had a tendency to keep their distance from everyone - despite being extremely charming while they worked. Haze’s ability is where Ludus got the idea to disguise himself to leave and he often finds himself wondering who Haze is and where they came from.

The Moondroplet Entertainment Company

The M.E.C is full of hundreds of entertainers, but Ludus travelled in the same trailer as these two and so often pairs with them as their dancer to make their performances more visually interesting. Each split off troupe has a quota to make each day and with Ludus’ “extra services”, his group surpasses that easily, and the three of them get on well enough although Henk and Ash have known each other for about four years.

Henk | Flute Player | Male Orc | Age: 28 | Max Lifespan: Around 75 years

Henk was previously a nomadic tribal orc, but was ostracized from his tribe due to a gentler nature than the rest of his species. One day, while out scouting for food he saw the line of trailers and caravans and saw an opportunity to leave his tribe for good. It took some time to convince them he came in peace, but eventually after a few days of camping nearby they allowed him to camp with the rest of the troupe even later, join them. He learned to play the flute by shaving his tusks - and now regularly makes a habit of doing so or removing them for better airflow. When people meet him, they are surprised by his gentle nature and his excellent flute playing.

Ashley/Ash | Lyre Player | Female Fire Genasi | Age: 26 | Max Lifespan: Around 120 years 

You can’t miss Ash, she’s loud, proud and will bowl you over with her sound. The lyre player of the three, her playing is filled with fast, energetic melodies that Henk struggles to keep up with and Ludus relishes dancing to. Ludus and Ash bounce off each other very well, their banter often inducing a laugh out of their audiences on the streets and she’s even known to stoke a rare smile from Henk sometimes.

Ash rarely talks about her childhood, preferring to focus on the present with a crass and blunt attitude - but she does talk about her supportive, ex adventuring mother who told her to chase her dreams of being a musician. She regularly sends money back home to support her mother in her old age but curiously, does not speak of her father - who is rumoured to be a Fire Efreeti.

Location: ????

Previous: ‘The Lupanar’ - a large and well known brothel, owned by an elf known as ‘The Wolf, who has been in the business for many years.

Religious Beliefs: DND: Would most likely be a fan of a Dionysian type god, such as The Moonweaver. If there are no tangible gods like there are in DND, he would not give a toss. Money and himself are their gods then.

Goals: 

1) To start living their life for them.

2) Finding other things to enjoy.

3) Learn to interact and bond with people outside of a sex work setting.

Other | Trivia

CANON VOICE: Toddrick Hall. Singing and Speaking. (was Alaska Thunderfuck)

Character influences: Mollymauk Tealeaf, Angel Dust, Irene Adler

Physical Afflictions:  N/A 

Mental Illnesses: Body dysmorphia, PTSD

COMPLETE LIST OF PIERCINGS: 

Ears, both sides: Earlobe x4, Helix x4, Industrial, Tragus

Nose: Nose piercing, stud on each side. High Nostril, stud on each side, Septum.

Face: Eyebrow Piercing, one on both sides. (he wears the left the most.)

Lips: Snakebites, Medusa

Tongue: NONE - he has so many things in his mouth going in and out it’s dangerous.

Genital: Frenum ladder.

Tail: Eight, four on each side. Often studs, sometimes rings.

Other: Nipple (both), Hip, Collarbone, Naval.

He’s an aspect of me: Ludus is a fragment of me, specifically the part of my sexuality I can’t express because I’m not brave or attractive enough - so I made a character that was. He also got my eating issues from my youth, I didn’t eat sometimes because I didn’t want my father and brother to mock my cooking or what I was eating or because I just simply didn’t have the energy. I personally still have body issues but I’ve largely given up because I don’t want to exercise in a gym or people to look at me. Ludus is essentially made partially of a person I wish I could have been, mixed with my own repression. They’re their own person though, but they’re very close to my heart.

Ludus dances because I find good dance beautiful, it’s one of my favourite youtube rabbit holes I go down. He was made almost exactly a year and two months after a traumatic event, and I’m not sure if he’s a response to that yet. I think he’s mainly a repression response.

He’s attracted to power and people puppet masters but he knows they’re bad for him. Actual kindness is what he wants, to be someone's pet yet valued for who he is as an individual.

Intimidates others for power - Think IRENE ADLER

But they’re still mostly a sub and have to know they want something first, which is rare because he still doesn’t know what he wants.

He developed blackmail as a way to keep himself safe in the bar because no one else was gonna do it for him and it’s not like he could work anywhere else (well, that’s he was trained to believe).

Rarely shouts.

Can sing.

Urban Fantasy Setting Notes: His phone is black but usually has a bright pink bedazzled phone case with a pop socket. He adores it. Plays guitar in private (prefers acoustic - gentle vibes). Probably interested in learning piano. Has an OnlyFans and NSFW twitter under LEWDICROUS. 

Fantasy Setting Notes: Dance bard. Fond of using daggers. Rogue /bard? 

The Moondroplet Entertainment Company is indeed named as a nod to The Fletching and Moondrop Traveling Carnival of Curiosities.

The lipstick comment “but Ludus is rarely seen without black lipstick, as anyone with a true sense of style knows that this is peak fashion” is absolutely a Homestuck, specifically a Kanaya reference, well, as close as I could get.

He was named on 27/07/2019 which is his sort of birthday, and he was tangled in with the “essence” of Lux for the longest time - I thought they were the same person. The original character idea was a half gnome/half tiefling bard with purple skin, and gold teeth. They were an absolute gremlin, but I couldn’t hone in on them because there was just nothing there - and then over a year or so Lux and Ludus developed. Arguably him and Lux are twins (not story wise tho), which is an idea I quite like.

[the-creeping-shadow]

Shade’s OCs

Here is a list with all OCs I have so far, including fandom and non-fandom OCs. Some of these might appear new to you (if you have been following me for a while); some might seem familiar. I offer this as a reference, but also as a way to talk about characters a bit. No facts are set in stone; questions and such are always welcome ^^

I’ll start with the ones I’ve already introduced here.

Fandom OCs/Fan characters

Anna Haas My Outlast fan character who exists in an AU based on The Murkoff Account. The result of the question “what if the baby was real?” that appeared in my head one day, Anna exists in several iterations depending on several factors.

Her introduction into the world was more than a little messy; the assault on her mother, Michelle, resulted in Anna being born way too early and spending the first months of her existence in NICU. Obviously she survived the whole ordeal. Under the care of her mother Anna turned into an overall friendly and optimistic child who is very close to her parent, albeit often worried about her given the trauma Michelle endured (which she tries to hide in front of Anna, but the psychological consequences still show up).  She’s a headstrong person, determined to pursue any goal she sets for herself, and has a certain tendency to want to take on a leading role in whatever project or even game she is involved in. These traits carry over when she grows up. The past of her family very much interests her even if the truth about her father and her parents’ involvement in Mt. Massive end up taking a toll on her world perception. She becomes more reserved, perhaps even more irritable in certain aspects after the “revelation”, but sets on a quest to find out what exactly ended up happening to her father with a goal to find disclosure and a peace of mind - a dangerous endeavour perhaps, but one she considers worth the risk. The outcome of all this will ultimately depend on two major variables in her story...

Kyniera the Imp A DOOM OC heavily inspired by the codex entries in 2016 and various headcanons I developed about the species’ biology. Not entirely compliant with the lore presented in DOOM Eternal, as she was created before the new game came out; so to some degree she might exist in some AU as well.

A determined survivalist long used to the harsh ways of Hell that are not that much friendlier to demons than they are to any other life forms (especially so if you are a low-ranked Imp - considered nothing more than cannon fodder), Kyniera is an Imp who has gathered enough experience and a certain amount of caution as a result to survive longer than many others of her breed. This, coupled with a growing sense of self-awareness that is present in older Imps only, makes her suitable to take the role of pack leader in any Imp group she finds herself in. If not leader, then at least someone who is confident enough to influence group decisions, especially when it comes to hunting. An unfortunate event has resulted in her, among other lower beasts, being captured by higher-ranking demons and carried off to a combat arena in the depths of Hell to fight against oftentimes stronger opponents for the sheer amusement of Hell denizens but also to test the physical prowess of the members of Hell’s armies, including herself. Kyniera, much to everyone’s surprise perhaps, has proven to be a particularly resilient Imp, showing good knowledge of how to use her innate fire ability and agility to her advantage, becoming somewhat of a “pet” in the arena. Not necessarily a good thing for the Imp as the arena masters and spectators were probably more curious to see how long she will prevail mentally, out of sheer sadistic delight. However, one losing fight convinces her to turn tail and run eventually - and she manages to escape the arena, overcoming her own fears. With a growing hatred towards the “higher-ups” and an unwillingness to die for anyone, Kyniera wishes to distance herself from all Hell politicking and solely focus her efforts on survival and hunting alone. An endeavour that may not come easy as she still ends up getting caught in the crossfire of intra-Hell conflicts between warring factions which ultimately sends her down a path that just may lead to a particular metamorphosis...

Non-fandom OCs

Synth Rex Synth is an old and powerful daemon lord* who rules over an entire realm. He appears to be a cheerful and playful person who interprets almost everything as a game of sorts. Whatever is said or even done to him, Synth will keep smiling and talking in a friendly and ofttimes jolly way. This demeanour keeps showing even if Synth is experiencing negative emotions - as a way to keep up his composure, but also as a way to “troll” people, especially so if they appear more hostile. With his mindset mostly revolving around the maintenance of his realm, Synth is willing to do a lot of things to ensure the prosperity of it.  He can be described as a scholar of sorts since he enjoys reading and travelling throughout the multiverse to learn and explore different dimensions, the people, cultures etc. It's one of the more effective ways for Synth to occupy himself and prevent boredom. Other occupations may be training, alchemy, and watching individuals and events having managed to pique his interest, especially if they feature revenge. Unlike my fandom OCs, there is no set storyline for this universe. It’s more of an open world revolving around Synth’s realm and his family as well.

Elizabeth Morgan Elizabeth is a fairly old and mighty daemon and Synth's lover. Elizabeth is what one can describe as a willful and self-confident woman who will not let others influence her in a negative way or push her around. Charming, elegant, and equipped with experience collected over 712 years of her life, Elizabeth prefers to use social skills to go about many matters. This is further helped by her mind control abilities which she can use quite deftly, provided an entity is not more powerful than her. She will often meet others with an overall pleasant demeanour, polite, respectful, and decent, simultaneously confident and not afraid of speaking her mind. Greater slights against her or her family will leave a bitter taste in her mouth and will not be forgotten so easily. As a daemon, Elizabeth has no inhibitions about using her mind control abilities to further her goals. She can be a manipulative person who likes to use a person's mental weak points to convince them of acting or thinking in a way benefiting her. When talking proves to be futile, Elizabeth is still capable of defending herself and will not hesitate to do so: like others of her species, she possesses enhanced strength and the ability to shapeshift into a fearsome daemon form.

Shannon Rex [picture not yet available on Tumblr] Shannon is the first and eldest of Synth and Elizabeth's children. Shannon had had a shapeshifting "accident" at the age of three months, having transformed into an indescribable, amorphous shape which appears to be their daemon form, which significantly differs from the usual form. Ever since, Shannon has to struggle with shapeshifting slips a lot, though their powers are getting better as time passes and they become an adult. Shannon is an introverted and reserved person, somewhat taciturn. Serious and determined, Shannon mostly occupies themselves with books and training and might not necessarily be a person who is in for the "silly" type of fun. Having been raised by a caring, but strict father who has set a firm schedule for his child and having been around their father's subordinates a lot, Shannon is disciplined and generally well-behaved. Due to their problems with the shapeshifting power and initially slow telekinesis, Shannon tends to be insecure about themselves, constantly questioning their worth and might. However, with frequent training units and being the offspring of a daemon lord, it might just be a matter of time until Shannon actually becomes powerful.

Cynthia Rex [picture not yet available on Tumblr] Cynthia is the second and youngest of Synth and Elizabeth's children. Cynthia is a happy and jolly six-year-old child (there is a huge age gap between the children), always curious and with a tendency to ask a lot of questions concerning how things work and what they are. She also has a bit of a mischievous streak and will attempt to play pranks once in a while. Close to her family, she is pretty much seldom seen anywhere away from a family member unless she decides to explore her father's castle on her own. Around strangers Cynthia becomes quiet and will cling to whatever family member is accompanying her at a time. As a child she is unaware of a lot of things existing in the multiverse and has a generally optimist attitude, though she knows not to trust people she does not know, which is mostly because of her family frequently telling her that she should not trust anyone outside of her family and her father's subordinates. Cynthia has recently begun undergoing training units in addition to lessons, which often leave her tired.

Thetis The result of my fascination with sharks, the desire to design a mermaid based on the great white shark, and depicting sharks in a positive light while maintaining the fact that they are (majestic) predators by nature.

Thetis is a very curious and inquisitive great white shark mermaid. While Thetis tends towards the introvert side of the spectrum, she is still open to talking with others, always willing to learn new things. She meets others with a friendly appearance and will not, contrary to what might be said about sharks and shark mermaids, seek any hostile intentions whatsoever as long as she is not agitated or hunting prey. Even though she has no inhibitions about killing other living things (specifically prey), she does so only for the sake of self-preservation and would scoff at others for "wasting" a kill, or put differently, for killing and harming other living things for any other reason than self-preservation. Still, Thetis does enjoy the thrill of the hunt itself and will speak rather openly about hunting if it ever comes to that. Depending on which universe she is set in, Thetis may dislike humans (or other humanoids, depending) for all the things they are doing to sharks and maybe even mermaids. However, she would never actively go against any unless the human provokes her intentionally.

Xenia Used to be a fan character of mine before I decided to rewrite her entire story and include her as a non-fandom OC in my own multiverse. As a result there are still gaps in her story, though her personality/concept remains similar.

An agent working under Synth Rex among his ranks. Xenia has endured an excruciating, unhappy childhood that left her permanently scarred - physically and mentally. An escape from her world, after she has exacted revenge on her tormentors, was offered by Lord Rex, who had become interested in her story, promising a better future for her. While Xenia was hesitant to take his offer to work for him first, she accepted it and ended up in a better position after all, as she perceives it. Still, her life has left her bitter, cynic, and mistrustful. While she tries to keep up a good relationship with her fellow agents, approaching her is still difficult as she prefers a solitary lifestyle, slow to trust anyone. Her manner of speech tends to be sarcastic often. Xenia belongs to an unspecified human-like species, possessing powerful telekinetic abilities that have developed and strengthened as she grew up. It was this power that allowed her to turn her "fate" over.

        *the depiction of the daemon might drastically differ from “canonical” mythological depictions in places. These characters exist in a multiverse created by me and thus adhere to lore created by myself.