#i got home at 6am and I wouldn’t had noticed b/c I was so so sleepy and I don’t really check the bottom of my shoes when I get home lol

[abigail]

when i got home after the new years celebrations last night, i took off my boots and found this pin stuck in the bottom of one of them,, a good sign for the new year perhaps ? :-) 

[commanderbensolo]

SFW Headcanons for Triplet Kylo

A= Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

I think Kylo would be the type of guy who seems really cold on the outside by in reality just wants a hug and to be loved. So I think he wouldn't show that much affection at first but as he comes to know you the affection would be turned up to MAX.

Kylo would show affection by always holding your hand and little kisses like all the time. It doesn't matter whether it's in public or somewhere private or even having dinner with his parents and his brothers, he wants to show the world how much you mean to him and he doesn't give a damn about what people say.

B= Best Friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Kylo as a best friend would definitely be the sensible one, but that doesn't mean he's a doormat. If this guy wants to party and drink, then he will. He just doesn't do it often because he prefers to be the sober one out of the two of you who's not about to pass out on the floor of a frat house after all one of you needs to get the other home.

The friendship would start in the freshman year of college when you both turn up at a bio class a couple of minutes early. For all his dark and brooding looks, you quickly find out that this guy is incredibly smart and funny, and so you trade numbers before class starts in case any of you need help with the homework or notes. He ends up texting you that night, and you have a conversation into the early hours of the morning and arrange to meet for coffee the next day to go over notes and just talk, and thus a great friendship was born.

C= Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Kylo loves to cuddle, but will never openly ask for it. He'll just sort of sit there on the end of your bed watching tv in your dorm while you're cramming for a test and just look at you expecting you to telepathically get the hint. Apparently, you do as you come over and wrap your arms around his shoulders and pull him back so you're both just cuddling while the tv blares in the background as you plant a soft kiss on his cheek as you both drift off to sleep.

Because he's more confident now in asking for what he wants (despite looking like a dominant, demanding guy) if he's awake and on the couch or something he'll just randomly put an arm around your shoulders and bring you into his side and kiss the top of your head as you snuggle into him. If you're both sleeping then unconsciously in his sleep he'll turn over to face you (if he's not already doing so) and put an arm over your waist and pull you into him. He loves to cuddle with you honestly.

D= Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How good are they at cooking and cleaning?)

I think Kylo initially would be scared of commitment because he knows he can come across as one of the rougher out of the triplets, and so he doesn't want to build his hopes up only for someone to leave him because he got too 'intense'. So when you show him that you're not going to go anywhere and that he can't scare you off, he becomes the most domestic guy around. He'd be perfectly content to settle down with you for the rest of his life if that's what you wanted of course.

Listen, Leia raised her sons well and gave them chores to do every single weekend in the house. Sometimes it was cleaning out rooms, other times it was helping Han in the garage and other times it was cooking dinner or lunch. Either way, all boys have some sort of culinary and household practise. However Kylo found that he actually really enjoyed cooking (as well as baking, which came as a bit of a surprise), so he decided to further his skills and take it up in his spare time. He even attended an extra online class during the summer before college to be able to compete in a baking and cooking competition, and he won first place.

E= Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

I think Kylo would be the sweetest about it because he's been heartbroken before from ex-girlfriends who have just sort of picked up their bags and left so to speak, so he'd know how it feels to be left hanging thinking you did something wrong. He'd probably sit you down and explain to you why it was happening in the most genuine way he could, and then offer to still be friends, even if you guys aren't in a relationship anymore.

F= Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

I mentioned this before, but I think Kylo would feel fine about commitment after knowing and being reassured that you aren't going anywhere. He wouldn't want to get married too quick, like 6 months after dating, but he also wouldn't wait years upon years to ask. He'd probably pop the question 2-3 years after you starting officially dating.

G= Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Kylo doesn't look like the most gentle person around, and let's face it, he's not. He's probably the most intense out of the three brothers and definitely has the worse anger streak. However, he tries to make up for his physicality with his emotions. He's been working on opening up to people emotionally for a lot of his life, and you coming into his life has definitely helped that process along to a better place. He's much more willing to talk about things now instead of immediately putting up a mental wall, and his brothers and parents have definitely noticed that positive change.

H= Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Kylo's hugs are more likely to turn into 1-2 hour cuddling sessions with a few kisses placed here and there, but he definitely loves hugs. He does it all the time, especially if you're alone together. His hugs are like being enveloped by a big, warm space heater but instead, the space heater is your boyfriend and he's extremely handsome.

I= I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

I mentioned this up above, but in the past he was afraid he might come on as too intense, and that also meant emotionally. He was absolutely scared shitless about saying 'I love you' to his partner, and it would eventually get to a point where he would blurt it out randomly because of said nerves, and usually, those feelings were not reciprocated, leaving a very broken Kylo. So, you understood why he didn't say it quickly, and you didn't try to push him.

In fact, it was actually you who said the L-word first. You were both lying on the floor in your dorm room on your laptops studying for finals, and you just looked at him and he looked adorable with his glasses on and hair messy from him running his fingers through it. He caught you staring and asked you what you were staring at, and you just said calmly "The man I love." His reaction was priceless, as you swore his eyebrows nearly made a home in his hair as they shot up at the speed of light and his glasses fell to the end of his nose. "Can you repeat that?" He had asked you, and so you said the three words he had been desperately waiting to hear from your lips.

"I love you."

J= Jealously (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they're jealous?)

Kylo doesn't get jealous very often because he trusts you and trusts that you won't cheat on him, but when some creep at the college bar just won't stop hitting on you even though you're sending out clear signals and he's right there, he'll just put an arm around your shoulders and kiss you fully on the mouth. You both blush from it, you mainly because you like this side of Kylo and Kylo because he's never had the guts to do that before, but it makes the guy leave, so it's all okay. You say thank you afterwards with another kiss to his lips, making his already bright-pink blush go ruby-red and spread to the tips of his ears, but not before a big, toothy smile threatens to split his cheeks.

K= Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Kylo's kisses have a scale of sorts. If he's all chilled out and relaxing then his kisses are soft and sweet, but if he's had a bad day he'll come over to your dorm or invite you over to his, and when you get there just kiss you like it's the last thing he's going to do. While you love this side of him, you hate to see him hurting or in pain, so eventually, you'll sit him down and ask him what's wrong. If he doesn't tell you right away, you always make sure to tell him that you're here for him if he needs to talk, and to take his mind off whatever's bothering him you suggest putting on Netflix and just binging a show whilst eating a load of junk food and soda and ordering a pizza.

Kylo likes to kiss you on the nose, forehead, cheeks, lips, top of your head and neck, just below the shell of your ear.

Kylo likes to be kissed on his lips and forehead as well as the top of his head and the shell of his ear. He doesn't mind being kissed on the neck, but he definitely prefers it when you both lose yourselves in a passionate makeout.

L= Little Ones (How are they around children?)

Kylo, in all honestly, is great around children. His deep voice and laugh make babies calm and soothed for some reason, and they always seem to fall asleep with no fuss once they're placed in his arms. He doesn't know why it happens, but he doesn't complain about it. He feels all warm and fuzzy around children, and contemplates from time to time what it would be like to have children of his own someday.

M= Mornings (How are mornings spent with them?)

Kylo is very much a morning person, usually going out for runs in the morning at about 6am when there's very little people about to bother him. He doesn't mind hustle and bustle of everyday life, he just likes to have his alone time from time to time, it makes him feel more grounded and conscious. When he gets back you're usually up and about on a weekday, either preparing for classes that start early or reviewing notes for a midterm, final or assignment. Most of the time he'll grab something for breakfast on the way back from a little bakery he knows out of the way, or sometimes he'll come home and find you cooking breakfast, which is always a nice surprise.

N= Nights (How are nights spent with them?)

Kylo tends to get sleepy once it hits 10pm, usually from the stress of college and just everyday life, though sometimes he will have to pull all-nighters if the professor has been a dick and left them a couple of days to do a 10-page paper. However, most nights with Kylo are spent with either him chilling in your dorm room or you chilling in his, or sometimes in the library or community study room on campus since most of the classes you have are with each other. Most nights are low-key though unless they're date nights, which tend to happen around once a month on average.

O= Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

Kylo isn't the most open person (that's just his nature, and he's certainly working on it) but I think if he finds a person he just clicks with and is comfortable with them to the point where he feels that they won't judge them that he'll reveal a lot of things very quickly. Some things may take time, like stuff about his family that isn't common knowledge (like the fact that he has 2 other brothers and he's a triplet) or stuff about past relationships, but he likes to be honest in relationships and has a very high opinion about healthy communication.

P= Patience (How easily angered are they?)

Kylo isn't easy to anger, he just tends to get frustrated and then blow up very quickly from there. It can take a lot to get him frustrated on a good day, and you can usually calm him down, but on a bad day he just gets really annoyed and decides he's had enough. However, he never takes it out on you, because he knows he couldn't bear it if something happened to you and he was the cause of it.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Kylo remembers fairly everything that you tell him, but sometimes little details will slip through the gaps of his memory, usually when he's tired or frustrated.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

His favourite moment of your relationship was when you guys told each other you loved each other for the first time. He knows it sounds cheesy and like it should be in an 80s romance movie, but that's definitely his favourite one. Simply because of how confident you were when you confessed your feelings and he didn't feel half as nervous as he did as with his other exes, which confirmed that what he was feeling for you was definitely love and not just infatuation.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Kylo's protective in a sense that he doesn't want to see you get hurt. He knows you can hold your own, and he respects that, but if it looks like someone is going to hurt you, either physically or emotionally, then he will step in and tell them to back off. You also do the same to him, and he once confessed to you that he actually found it really sweet and sexy when you protected him.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

This boy would put in 1000% when it comes to dates, anniversaries and gifts. I mean he would be up at 1 am with 5 million tabs open (all of them for a different website) scouring the internet for new things to try for date night or anniversaries and new things to get you as gifts, even when it's not a special occasion. He likes to buy you gifts, not as a way to buy your love but as another way of showing his affection and appreciation for you.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Although you love everything about him, you always chastise him about not opening the bathroom window after having a shower. You've had this argument a hundred times before, and you always end up conceding, but that doesn't mean you won't keep trying.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

He's not overly vain, but he's definitely not a slob either. He likes to make his appearance and himself presentable, and basically just takes pride in how he looks because it puts on a good image but also makes him feel good. The only times he'll really worry is special occasions like date night and anniversaries, but you both are basically in the same boat then so it doesn't matter.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Kylo feels like you fill a hole in his heart that's been empty for too long, however, he can survive not being around you for periods of time. If you've got to go to another state to catch up with friends and for some reason he can't attend then he's fine with using social media and FaceTime and calling to see you and connect with you, but that doesn't mean that he won't shower you with affection when you get home.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

He loves your smile. It's just something about the way it meets you eyes and creates little dimples that makes his heart doing a tap-dance that's not even choreographed.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Sometimes he kinda hates you can always leave things till the last minute, especially if you have a massive workload, but instead of moaning at you about he helps you with your time management skills and become more organised.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

This boy sleeps like a flippin' rock. Like once he falls asleep you cannot wake him up unless you poke him in his arm or something

[lalunangel]

my dad

i knew my dad in my youth vaguely enough to know he was my papa. he had been gone for literal years and every time he popped in he would cause some heartache and i really started to dislike him. my mom even convinced me that i was the reason he didn’t come around and that he was bad because he hated me so i developed a deep hatred for me dad.

but.. at 14 i gave him a chance. because although he caused a lot of suffering and never played the dad role in my life and i was already basically an adult.. i held no illwill towards him.

so at 14 i was heavily into reading all sorts of books. adult books too. i didn’t ever like to openly admit it but i thought that it was always so interesting. my dad connected to me the best way he could. he read my books. we started a series together but stopped halfway because we couldn’t afford to buy new books every other day. so we never finished it. i still have the books he bought me. they’re very special to me.

my dad became my best friend. so much that i finally started to open up to him about the abuse i endured living with my mom. what boys would do to me. how i hurt myself. how i was severely depressed and no one noticed and why i scream in my sleep. my dad was so kind and willing to learn more about me and take care of me.. i moved in with him by the end of the school year and i lived with him until the summer of graduation.

my dad passed away june 9, 2018. from a heart attack caused by a blood clot. i graduated from high school a couple weeks before. he didn’t bother to go and came up with a shit excuse that i didn’t fall for. i was angry and disappointed. my mom didn’t show either but my mom never looked or wanted success for me. only my dad so i was broken by the fact that my grandma showed and my sister and two distant cousins but not my papa. the only reason i stuck with school and worked hard for good grades. i wouldn’t settle for a c or even b’s because i wanted to make him proud.

i remember the day he died. i finally forgave him for what he did or- didn’t do.. the day before so we were back on good terms. and he asked me to wake him up before i left for work. i did. “Hey papa it’s 6am it’s time to get up” and he woke up with his sleepy face and no glasses and i’m never going to forget.. he got out of bed and said “thank you baby” and i smiled and said “no problem. i gotta go. i love you so much i’ll see you soon!” and he said “i love you too squeeze” i ran up the stairs and went to work. i didn’t get off until 6. it was summer and i wanted to work so hard that i could afford to move out and be happy in my own place and make my dad proud. i got home and i didn’t realize how tired i was and i fell asleep in my work clothes on the pull out couch bed i bought myself from a garage sale a couple months back. i remember him waking me up and laughing about how i needed to change and i needed to eat. it was already really late when he woke me up. i changed into my jammies and i gave him a hug. and i went to eat dinner with my grandma and tell her about my day. my dad ate with us and then went to his room and i sat there. very dazed from my nap. and then he ran into the room saying it hurt. and crying. and begging me to call 911. so i did. i didn’t know what to say. i just wanted him to feel better. i didn’t know what cardiac arrest was until that night. i watched him die.. and then come back.. and for him to say he loved us and beg god to not take him.. and i sat there crying...when they finally showed up they didn’t help much. they couldn’t have anyway. for a year i blamed myself for him dying... i should’ve called sooner.. i should’ve taken him myself. my sister and grandma went to the hospital and told me to stay because he was going to be fine and i had work the next day... 1am came and my sister called my crying.. and i didn’t hesitate to grab my keys and hall ass to the hospital. i didn’t cry that night. i shook violently. i held my sister. i called my mom.. because for once she needed to be a mom.

my mom showed up and my sister curled up in her arms and cried. and i just sat there holding my grandma. i was really sad but i was still processing that my best friend died.. when we finally all went home after we sat there for four hours with his body and my family crying. i went to my room and laid back down and looked at his room door and thought about he wasn’t going to come out that door. that the light wasn’t going to turn on randomly at 3am. that he wasn’t there. and i fell asleep because it rained the whole night. and the next day.. and the next two weeks. i remember dreaming about him telling me he loved me and that he was sorry. and the rain. so when i woke up i thought IT WAS JUST A BAD DREAM!!! but it wasn’t.. i got out of bed..my family still asleep... i went to his room to wake him up.. and i fell to my knees because i knew better and he wasn’t there and his bed was the same as last night and everything was messy and i finally cried.. while everyone else slept. i went back to my room and called my job to let them know i wasn’t able to make it in and explained why. but that i would be back my next working day... because i don’t have time to disappoint him.. and i felt it was all my fault so i needed a distraction. my manager forced me off the schedule for two weeks.. and wouldn’t allow me to pick up shifts because “you need to heal and you can’t heal if you’re constantly hurting at work” so i had to take two weeks- she gave it to me paid. my family from all over came to visit and see him off and comfort us. family apologized to me for not being able to help. apologized to me for my loss. everyone was crying except me.. my mom was even crying... it wasn’t until my dads friend valarie showed up that i finally let everyone see how sad i really was. i held onto her and cried so ugly i ruined her pretty dress. she combed my hair and kissed my forehead- i’m 19... i was an adult. and i was crying like i was a toddler just because someone i found comforting finally showed up. i cried so hard i hiccuped. i cried so hard that everyone gathered around me and hugged me. it was awful. i’m not the attention type. i’m a crybaby by nature but this was my papa. and he died in front of me... and i hadn’t cried for four days.. and here i am crying to an almost stranger and telling her i’m sorry like it’s going to help god bring him back. she didn’t mind. she loved me so hard that i hardly felt sad when i was done.

my family needed a consoling speech the day of the funeral. a way of saying thank you everyone who came. and thank you for being kind to my dad. no one wanted to do it. this is the day after i cried like an ugly baby. and my sweet angelic valarie told me i should say some things. i am riddled with anxiety and i dislike a large portion of my family... and don’t know another large portion. none of my friends who knew my dad showed up. it was just me and my sister. alone in the world again. so i stood up.. and walked to the microphone.. and i shook very violently and my voice was very shaky.. just saying hi to them and saying thank you for coming... my family is not supportive of many things and they don’t believe in my anxiety.., but that day they put aside their beliefs and yelled “we love you angel” “we’ll always be here” “we’re glad you’re talking” “mija it’s okay if you can’t do this” and i shook so violently that my sister who at the time was just 14...had to hold me so i stopped. i laughed after hearing all the nice things.. and the support. and i finally spoke about my dad. i didn’t have a lot to say because i was only 14.. but i knew so much that i spoke enough to comfort my family.

i don’t remember what i said- but i know i said thank you. and i made jokes about my dad. and talked about all the good memories i had with him. and how grateful i was because he wanted me so much. and that i was sad and that i was sorry i wasn’t crying but i wanted to be strong for those who felt much worse than me. and i remember one by one each of them slowly standing up and saying “We love you girls” to my sister and i while we stood up there. i remember shaking so hard that valarie stood up and went to hold my hand and how i laughed nervously and said “i want to cry because this is a really nice moment but also i’m deeply hurting. i just want all of us to heal and for god to give us his light back” and shaking so hard that valarie latched herself on to me and my sister. and she spoke on behalf of us the rest of the time while we stood there. i was 18- my sister 14. if you didn’t know our age we looked like two 10y/o’s shaking under the pressure. this really sad song dad liked a lot played after and i turned around and hugged my sister.. who was crying so hard and ugly that i was afraid that they only heard her. we sat there next to him on the floor shaking and crying and hugging for what felt like hours... our home was gone.. my grandma got up and kneeled down and hugged us.. and so did my grandpa.. and my tías.. and all of my cousins... shaking... i remember shaking so hard and hearing my sisters ugly sobs and thinking “who would’ve thought we would love you this much” i.. know if my mom died i wouldn’t cry. i wouldn’t shake. i’d sit there and comfort my family. my sister and my grandma are very different for me.. i love them with everything... like i loved my dad... and i remember thinking “you finally brought us all together” he finally did it... in the worst way possible... we went to the cemetery which is really far- and i apparently shook so much my body was tired i fell asleep on the ride on my grandpas shoulder.. he didn’t hesitate to hold me. we fell asleep together... and i woke up thinking my dad was holding me.. and clinging to my grandpa the rest of the day... he wouldn’t let me go either. he held me so tight that i thought i’d burst. i remember them praying loudly when they were putting sand on the coffin. i remember the loud sobs from people i didn’t know. i reply great grandma sitting next to me shaking just like me and saying “aye gordo why so soon mijo” and it was over.

they all came to my grandmas and spent the day together. drinking. having fun. and i sat in my room. i didn’t have a real room- i had a corner with a curtain dividing it from the space. everyone singing and dancing.. everyone happy.. and i thought “maybe i can cry now” and it didn’t come. i didn’t cry about losing my dad until i went back to work. i was so ready. i started strong and halfway through...a coworker talked about her dad. how he calls her princess.. she’s 50... and i smiled and said “mine calls me all sorts of names but my favorite is squeeze” my dad called my angel baby and i was in love with it for forever until a boy ruined that for me. he called me baby cakes. chunkers. mac to his cheese my dad called me all sorts of names.. Zoe Jane... izz. goober.. luna.. his star.. his flower.. i along side me sister was his world.. and i loved it.. he’d sing to me if i was sad and i took that for granted. he gave me all the great qualities to be a good adult. a good person. and i took it all for granted. she asked me all sorts of questions about him. if he had tattoos. what he liked to do in his free time... i never realized but all those answers were right on the surface because i memorized him. he had 11 tattoos. he liked to fish and paint and garden in his free time. he liked rock music but could enjoy literally anything as long as it made him feel something. he liked to read and he wouldn’t turn down girly pre teen books either. he liked being alive.. and when i told her these things she looked at me and asked why i was crying... and i wiped my tears and laughed and said “that’s a health code violation” and walked away... i had to take a break after that. they weren’t allowed to talk about dads after that for months. i wasn’t sensitive to it.. i would just talk about my dad like he was alive and it made them worry for me... one day i turned in my two weeks and said goodbye to them and i felt really sad because outside of my family- these were the only people to care about me.. and my loss. they supported me and prayed with and for me.. they helped me heal.. when all my “friends” abandoned me. i was incredibly sad to leave.

I think about that year so much.. how all my dad wanted me to do was make amends with everyone in my life and i couldn’t. i couldn’t sit there and say sorry or admit the hurt i was going through.. i was too stubborn.

I still sit in my car and wonder what it’d be like to see you drive it.. or to see you be a passenger again in the car while holding a beer. Would you listen to olivia rodrigo with me..? would we be okay..? I hate your birthday so much because it’s so fucking heavy.. your death date.. it’s so heavy and i get so angry.. why is everything so fucking heavy.. I can’t even explain the lengths my heart have gone through to attempt at healing. It’s so horrible and lonely.. i want to scream so loud now.. I’m 21.. i want to scream so loudly that my voice is heard over the corners of the game you and they hear the anguish i’m in. I want someone to take the pain away already. I want someone to see me... to really see me and the hurt in my heart and tell me i’ll be okay.. tell me it’ll get better but it never stops hurting. it’ll never stop hurting.. i’m so ANGRY AT THE WORLD FOR TAKING YOU AWAY FROM ME! i’m so angry.. i’m so angry that i’m hurting so much..

i want to scream so loud that someone learns the language of it and screams with me.. i hate you.. i hate you because you left me.. i need you everyday and it’s fucking agony and i only use swear words to enhance the things i have to say because if i’m honest.. i won’t be able to comply what i feel in basic words.

i’ve cried more about you at 21 than i ever did at 18 and i’m so sorry.. you deserve a more feeling daughter and i denied you.. i denied you all my life..

i decided to get your handwriting tattooed on me. i don’t care about the risk of losing grandmas love or approval.. i don’t care about the risks anymore.. i just want to feel again.

i hate what an unfeeling bitch i’ve become to some people.. i hate how over loving i am for others.

i’ll never be satisfied with myself.. because i can’t hear you telling me what’s wrong with me anymore.