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#i guess because I didn't know i was trans as a teenager
trans-cuchulainn · 1 year
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i guess the reason so many books featuring trans characters have them able to go stealth and make it so other characters don't know they're trans unless they say something is because that's an escapist fantasy for many trans authors who don't get that and want to imagine what it's like to live in a world where you don't get misgendered on sight every single day, and because they don't want to write about the latter (very fair)
but also when these are YA books it depends on the characters being able to medically transition at like 14 and i have literally never in my life met a single person who was able to do that (partly because I live in the UK where you can't and also I am old enough that for people my age, coming out as a preteen would've been way harder and rarer than it would be for current teen-aged protagonists)
so idk. i would like to read a book with trans characters who feel like real people living in the real world occasionally. it's hard to walk a path when you never get to see other people do it first and never get to witness it safely in fiction before you experience it IRL, and only ever seeing people walk roads that don't even exist in your reality doesn't really help at all tbh
#i have mostly only read fantasy and historical adult books with trans protags#aside from Confessions of the Fox i guess. which is still 50% historical#but i never come across contemporary-set adult books with trans protagonists#compared to the growing contemporary trans YA scene#this may be that i am looking in the wrong places#but i can more easily find historical trans romance than a novel with a relatable 20 or 30something transmasc protag#oh i did read detransition baby i guess. but it didn't really speak to me for various reasons#(most of them to do with me being trans in a different direction but not all of them)#anyway idk. i read a lot of YA because a lot of my friends write YA and it is easy for me to find things#but even though i am glad there are trans YA books now I can't relate to them at all#i guess because I didn't know i was trans as a teenager#so the trans teenager experience is always inherently one i did not have#i am looking for something that will never be what i need it to be#i want coming of age and self discovery and all that because I don't feel like I've DONE it yet in gender terms#that's why i want the YA vibes but. i guess as a 27yo still trying to do that I'm not going to find it there. not meaningfully#so i need novels about adults coming of age and figuring shit out and being newborn baby trans adults i guess. where are those#and nobody is allowed to be cool in those books because i am unable to continue reading about cool people sorry#néide has opinions about books
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aro-attorneys · 4 months
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im too sick to make this coherent but like. i feel like i only started caring about my gender identity after noticing that others care. i was content with being a tomboy or whatever and i was content never shaving because that stuff never crossed my mind.
others cared, though. others made comments about me developing puberty later than average. others made comments about my body hair and about the length of my hair.
and it's not like i didn't know about the concept of trans. i knew about transgender since 6th grade. and while it did make me realise that i have "a choice" in terms of gender, i never thought of myself as trans because, well, i'm not a boy! i was just gonna keep being a girl who didn't like girlie stuff.
i have been (and seen others be) ridiculed for the way i express myself. i learnt that others cared and that made me care. suddenly i realised i had to be a certain way that wasn't actually comfortable. i wanted to be a girl in my way dammit.
i've fucked around with femininity after high school. it felt good to reclaim it, in a way. i wore dresses and make-up and i enjoyed it because it finally wasn't an obligation. and a few years ago i decided to drop Cis altogether. it doesn't fit. and i was content being a feminine non-binary person.
somewhere after that i started developing gender dysphoria too. and honestly i'm unsure if it's caused by people forcing me to care about my expression, or if i was always going to feel this way at some point. nevertheless, i am definitely not grateful for how i was treated. how they made me doubt every step i took and every feeling i felt.
so whenever cis people claim that we are obsessed with gender, i roll my eyes and think about how i was bullied for simply having short hair.
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wild-at-mind · 2 months
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A weird thing I've noticed as someone living in England is how often people also living in England seem convinced their lives will improve massively if they just move to Wales or Scotland. Or sometimes further afield.
#grass is greener i guess#my trans man role model who i have on fb is leaving for wales quite soon- he says it's because its cheaper to live#but specifically there are many places in england that are cheaper to live than the general area we are#the move out of england specifically was talked about like a big plus point#also my best friends as a teenager talked all the time about hating the country and wanting to leave but not for any stated reasons#in those cases they had both had shitty things happen to them growing up so it may have been as like a clean slate/fresh start#they never did it but i didn't understand the feeling especially without specific reasons#idk...maybe i need a fresh start maybe that's what this is secretely about :/#my beloved queer coffee shop/venue/community hub is closing down in march and they are in the same city the guy moving to wales#lives in- all the comments about how it's a shitty place and nowhere near as good as it used to be under his post#while i'm here looking at that city like- omg i wish i had that#because they have an alternative scene and a trans activism scene and at least 1 gay club and a labour movement and an anarchist movement#and used to have a bi meetup group#which doesn't exist any more so that part really is more shit now i guess#but it's weird seeing people talking about the place i see as so great compared with this shitty conservative town#with 'oh it's terrible it has nothing to offer people like us'- i don't even want to join all those scenes but at least they are there!!#....i think. Anyway here we had a 'LGBTQ' bar open for like 2 months and closed due to horrendous mismanagement and#1 zillion mistakes by the organising group. fuck them so hard#but still i think i need to appreciate what we do have here#i probably don't want to move...ugh i don't know :/
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euniexenoblade · 1 month
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since we're talking about call outs lately, i've been called out many times, most of which are made from lies and sometimes by altering screenshots, but the most effective call out i ever got was like, in early 2015 there was a tumblr user everyone knew was a terf, but she would say "actually i support trans women" this was before crypto terfs were as talked about so the language wasn't really there to say "hey this person is a crypto terf." but yeah some people put posts of this woman on my dash and i made a random post on my blog "why do yall reblog her shes a terf" and of course she searches her own name daily, found my post, and replied to it that me calling her a terf was racist. that was it. no other interaction. but she went on all night talking about me being racist and just making things up as she went "oh i bet she says the n word all the time irl" kind of shit that had, like no basis? But her follower base took it 100% and i literally had thousands of anons telling me to kill myself, trying to goad me into being racist (didnt work), and the most concerning thing was i got hundreds of anons being like "what was the point of doing hrt if you still look like that, you should kill yourself." It was like, violent and overwhelming. and on top of it I'd get random young teenager trans people who followed her and bought into her bioessentialism showing up in my messages being like "you give trans people a bad name" "you're why transphobia exists" etc etc it was fucking crazy.
but i lost like, no followers because everyone around me understood, this woman was a terf. this all set up the real one though.
later in the year a teenage "communist" trans girl made some snarky comment about me being racist on a post of mine blowing up. i ignored her cuz like, who cares it's just some random teenager. but i guess people were looking for a reason to hate me cuz that blew up, lots of people just took that at face value no need to investigate. when someone finally did send the girl an ask being like "hey how is she racist" she replied "I dont remember but I know she is" and even more people just took this as 100%. the thing is, i do remember her being one of those "you make trans people look bad" terf following young trans people, it's not that she didn't remember, it's that she didnt want to admit she followed a terf and she believed a terf just saying shit. I lost like 3/4s of my followers, i had a lot of people i thought were my friends just stop talking to me, and going forward every time i got a call out there would usually be a line of like "also she's racist, everyone already knows this" all cuz this girl needed to make a snarky comment cuz she just loves terfs.
the thing about the "i dont remember" bit is it made some weird game of telephone. "I dont remember" became "oh she's racist, i think she says the n word" which became "she called black bloggers the n word" like people just made shit up about me and connected it to this call out. and when id be like this isnt true id be met with a "this is just known, youre a known racist" and it's like, to this day i will still find people be like "hey good on you for growing as a person and not doing that any more" and its like I NEVER DID IT TO BEGIN WITH
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deepfakefart · 14 days
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EDIT: please see @cliffsideview's replies for more info! Tragically it is sounding more probable that it was a suicide spurred by a long period of bullying. Every person who participated, every teacher who stood by, every legislator who is a proponent of the anti-trans bills – every one of them is complicit in Nex's death. Ryan Walters specifically has blood on his hands.
They're ruling Nex Benedict's death a suicide. Death due to "combined toxicity" of fluoxetine (Prozac) and diphenhydramine (benadryl). Let's explore this.
Fluoxetine is known to cause seizures at very high dosages but rarely causes death. In one case study, 1.4 grams of Prozac likely caused a seizure but not death in an adult woman. "A dose as low as 520 mg of fluoxetine has been associated with a lethal outcome, but there’s record of someone taking 8 grams of fluoxetine and recovering," according to Healthline. ("Associated with" does not necessarily mean the sole cause!) Diphenhydramine overdose has been known to cause death at doses of 20mg/kg or greater; in the USA in 2017, it was involved (but not necessarily the sole factor) in 3% of OD deaths according to the CDC. I've no clue how much Nex weighed but I based my math on a 100lb person. A lethal dose of diphenhydramine at that weight would have been approx 900mg. There is no known lethal dose of fluoxetine for humans. It can vary greatly but is generally safe and generally requires very large doses to cause seizures let alone death. There are no known serious drug interactions between these two drugs.
But let's say there is some interaction at unusually high doses that I don't know about because this is an extremely unusual combination for a suicide attempt. We know that Benadryl is much easier to OD on than Prozac is. So let's pull some numbers out of our asses and say 750mg of diphenhydramine plus 3g of fluoxetine equals lethal dose for a 100lb teenager.
The typical upper range of fluoxetine dosage is 80mg/day. If we assume that Nex was taking 100mg of fluoxetine/day and he had access to a full 30 day supply, that's 3 grams. Add confounding head trauma and diphenhydramine toxicity and...maybe???
But we're talking about someone downing a full or nearly full 30 day supply of high doses of fluoxetine AND about 30 tablets of Benadryl. And there were no signs until he entered the living room and collapsed? Fluoxetine toxicity can cause rapid heartbeat, irritability, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, etc. Diphenhydramine toxicity can cause confusion, irregular heartbeat, agitation, nausea, vomiting, etc. This combo seems like a very uncomfortable and unpleasant way to go and I'm meant to believe he was quiet, not vomiting, not agitated, not terrified – just walked into the living room and collapsed? Unless he was exhibiting those symptoms and Sue didn't say anything about it which doesn't add up either. She said Nex went to bed with a headache and we have audio of the 911 call. She mentions their eyes rolling back and their hands "posturing" (both those things could be related to brain damage or a seizure).
With the added complication of head trauma (blacking out due to head injury = concussion = brain injury), I guess death is feasible but this just doesn't feel right. I don't know. Maybe it was a perfect storm of circumstances but those two drugs are so hard to OD on, not to mention unpleasant to OD on, and this state is so hostile to trans people it's hard not to approach this with a TON of skepticism.
I hope the Benedict family had their own toxicology and autopsy done.
ETA: for the record, im not saying I agree with the suicide decision, I'm saying "I mean I guess technically it's possible but it seems highly unlikely and incredibly sus and I am not convinced"
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aroaceconfessions · 10 months
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so you know how a lot of queer people grow up in a homophobic and purity obsessed environment? i feel like i almost had the opposite. i grew up in a relatively sex positive household with decent enough sex ed at school. abstinence was never pushed on me. i didn't grow up feeling like there was anything wrong with queerness... unless that queerness was aromanticism and asexuality. yes, i was lucky to grow up in an open minded household, but that doesn't mean i had a perfect childhood. no matter if you grew up in a conservative environment or an open minded one, if you're an aspec kid, you gonna get fucked up.
if you grew up conservative, it might seem like a virtue at first. you're one of the "good" kids because you're not interesting in dating, you're perfectly happy to "wait" because you don't understand what the rush is. until you become an adult and suddenly you're hounded with questions. why don't you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? who are you going to marry? when are you going to marry? when you get married you'll be able to have lots of sex, as a reward for waiting. what do you mean you don't actually want sex? that's unnatural. you need to reproduce. now it's no longer a good thing to be disinterested. there is something wrong with you.
if you grew up in an open minded environment, it's very isolating. from my experience at least, you're hyperaware that everyone else is experiencing these feelings that you don't, and everyone is saying how normal it is, all teenagers have these feelings. you're not interested in boys? it's okay to like girls. look how progressive we are. why do you still look lost? who do you have a crush on? when are you going to start dating? why can't you be a normal teenager? you'll understand when you're older. sex is a normal and expected part of being an adult. why do you look uncomfortable? when are you going to lose your virginity? virginity is shameful. it means you're ugly. what a loser.
so yeah. i guess i'm lucky to grow up in the household i did. i'm trans and so grateful my family is supportive. but they don't know about my aroaceness. it's the part of my identity that makes me feel the least safe. i feel like i have the opposite problem of an allo person who grew up conservative. i'm an aspec person who grew up in an environment where sex was seen as normal and healthy to the point that not being interested was seen as abnormal and unhealthy. no matter what, aspec kids are shamed. the best case scenario would be a gay kid growing up in the latter situation. there is no best case scenario for aspec kids. and there won't be until aromanticism and asexuality are given widespread awareness and acceptance.
Submitted May 13, 2023
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transgenderpolls · 1 month
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all these "trans people are awesome" can suck my D, i'm a transboy, never accepted, and never will. i'll rot in my disphoria. i'll never get a boyfriend till i die.
Listen man, I get it. It fucking sucks to see all these people, whom you should supposedly identify with, seemingly having it so much easier than you, so you want to insist that suffering is how it's supposed to be. And I'm not even gonna tell you that you personally have to work on having trans pride or anything. But specifically and wholly identifying with your pain will only help you so much. I know you don't WANT to rot. You WANT to be around people who'll accept you, I'm sure.
I don't know how old you are, where you're from, or your general medical situation, so I don't want to simply promise that things will get better when you're on T or when you get surgeries either. But I'm gonna make a guess based on your wording here that there are more options out there than you even know about. I'm also gonna guess (because you said transboy) that you're under 18. I felt this way as a deeply dysphoric and depressed teenager too. I had no idea what testosterone even COULD do for me, or how many surgeries were even an option. I still don't even necessarily love being trans, but over 10+ years I've stopped hating it. And I'm glad that I've stopped hating it. I didn't used to think that I would even want to, either. It's hard to conceptualize a kind of comfort and happiness that you've never had before, but I'm fucking telling you, man, it's possible. All the things that you're convinced are gonna keep you from ever being seen as a man, or finding a boyfriend, are almost definitely not true.
I'll also say, to tack onto all the shit about self-hatred, that there's a difference between languishing in your own suffering and actually lashing out at your community. That's never the move. Like, being trans is something that can be hard. Why does that mean trans people can't be awesome? In any case it is objectively a good thing to find something to rejoice in about what may be, subjectively, a less than fortunate situation.
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olderthannetfic · 6 months
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re people regretting transition or detransitioning.
My little cousin experimented with gender for a bit in her late teens before deciding that she was a cis girl after all. The experiment involved clothes shopping, a haircut, and asking her friends to call her by different pronouns, and lasted for maybe two months tops.
Some of my our family members are generally supportive of that, and view it quite reasonably as a young person exploring various options before finding herself. The dumber and meaner ones, on the other hand, say she detransitioned and is proof that trans people are just playing around and that anyone teen who transitions will come to regret it.
And then they turn around and say they're happy for me and proud of my transition. Because I didn't get anything figured out until I was well into my twenties, and I didn't get to start HRT until I was past 30. These family members are actually dumb enough to think it's an age thing, and that my having to suffer for decades was somehow a good thing.
If the "worst" that happens as a side effect of trans acceptance is a bunch of teenagers getting dumb haircuts and wasting a few hundred bucks on clothes they won't wear again, I don't see how that's a negative side effect at all. That's just what teenagers do.
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Grrr. Fucking assholes.
A lot of the "Oh noes, what if you regret it?" stuff comes with a huge side of "What if your WOMB is no longer able to make BABIES after you POISON yourself?" nonsense too. I see plenty of transphobia of all sorts in all directions, but the specific fretting over transition is so, so, so often about how every uterus should be used as a baby factory. People say this shit with a straight face who would never support that idea if you forced them to face the subtext of what they're saying.
There are, genuinely, rare people who do regret it, but it's way more common that someone either experiments with entirely reversible things or takes hormones for a while and then decides to stop taking hormones without actually characterizing it as "regret" themselves.
It's usually other people imposing that narrative from the outside, aside from rare cases where there was some level of coercion to do medical procedures the person was never that into in the first place (e.g. transitioning in order to be legally allowed to change pronouns on ID or getting a boob job at a partner's behest—a thing that afflicts cis women too).
I remember a friend from school years ago going "What if I'm wrong?" and even at the time, I was like "But what if you're right and then spend 20 years waiting to be sure while being miserable?"
In this, as in most other big life decisions, I think you should take your best shot, not second guess yourself, and if you change your mind years later, you can deal with that then. But yes, so many people think there's some sort of virtue in decades of misery as you either can't figure out what's wrong or know what's wrong and are denied access to medical care.
I questioned my gender in my teens back in the 90s. I just didn't do anything that made other people particularly aware of it at the time and ended up deciding that gender is a big lie and who cares. This is probably more common than people think.
The main upshot was that I ended up reading an incredibly dense book of journal articles on third gender roles that was a bit of a headache for a 14-year-old.
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leftclown · 9 months
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So now I'm gonna move on and actually describe an experience I have had as a trans man who is currently detransitioned due to financial status. This experience involves both misogyny and transphobia, and I'm not really here to debate weather or not I Can experience these things, instead I'm just going to share it.
So I guess somewhat important context to this is that I am rather feminine by appearence. If you encountered me in the wild you'd think I was the hoodie and cookie monster pajama girl from high school. My partner, also not currently receiving gender affirming care passes a bit better than me. He at the very least gives people pause or incites confusion. Usually, though, people just assume he's a young man.
I was going to get a state ID because I had moved recently to another state. My ID from my previous state had my gender marked as M because I went through the due process to get that done. New home state has a policy that if youre from out of state you have to get your ID processed at the police station. My partner is also trans and had gone a week prior to get his done, and they had respected his ID's gender marker, moving all of his information from the out of state record.
I go in and of course I am marked F, so upon reviewing it I said thats incorrect, because my ID says M. We go back and forth and I eventually produce my partner's ID and say "you did it for him just last week". Big mistake on my part because I'm honestly still learning how not to give people like this the benefit of the doubt. Regardless, they go to their manager to figure out what to do.
A few minutes later I am called alone into the managers office. Here's a shortlist of this meeting;
-Thet confiscated my partners ID without him present
-Told me my due process didn't matter, that I can only change it if I had a letter saying I had already had SRS.
-Took my previous ID and voided it so I couldn't change my birth certificate
-Made me submit my ID as F
-Tell me my partner has to come in to correct his to F as well
This all happens very quickly, and I try to advocate for myself and lose. By the end of it, I am crying a bit and I mutter to myself "This is fucking insane".
This is the part that really fucked me up.
The manager stepped forward toward me, holding her hands in that defensive position, the one cops to do say 'I'm calm but prepared to use force', you know where they tilt their hips forward and rest their hands on the front of their belt. She tells me "I understand you're upset, but there is no swearing in here."
I am a nearly 30 year old MAN. And she is trying to tell me not to swear like I'm some teenager giving her lip.
"I'm not from here, this is just how I talk" I say, not yet realizing that she is trying to instigate. She prods this issue again, trying to detract me, trying to get me to cuss more. Trying to rile me up. I become quiet and still, thank them for their time and leave. She called me Sweetheart as I left.
And there is nothing I can do in this situation. Im dealing with cops in a red state. There's nothing I can do but cave to the authority because my plans are bigger than this. Because to further advocate is to put myself in danger and she made that very clear by drawing a line at me swearing. So I submit.
Submitting in a situation like this feels like your power is being taken from you. Like they are physically removing something from your arms and trying to get it back would be a major risk. It's not just that someone is stepping on me, it's that theyre telling me politely to get on the ground so I can be stepped on. It felt especially oppressive in this scenario, but it always feels like this. In the workplace, in social group, in family, a trans man is the least respectable thing you can be because not only are you a woman, but you're a crazy, damaged woman and if you're me you get ire for being a waste of a pretty face.
There's always a timeline too, it can be long or short but it always goes like this; People receive me initially with feigned tolerance and some mild comparisons to my partner's masculinity. Then they start poking and pushing and trying to see if I'm really a trans man in ways they think is subtle but to me is very unsubtle. Eventually, when they've disrespected me to the point of reacting emotionally, they act like they've gotten their gotcha moment because I've displayed the Ultimate Thing that makes you Not A Man: Tears. Most of them don't even need to get to there to conclude I'm a trender because well if I'm already almost 30 and haven't transitioned, I must not want it bad enough.
I'm sharing this story not just because it displays the intersections of being a trans man, how hard it is to obtain respect and how fragile that respect is, but also because I know there are guys out there who are like me. I see you, you with the puffy lips and round hips, you who can't transition right now, you who feels like he's waiting for a some day, for a time when it's just okay to exist out there and be treated with the basic fucking dignity of telling someone "Hi, I'm Dave" and having them reply without looking at your tits first. Who has beat himself up in the quiet hours for years for being too emotional, too feminine, feeling assaulted by the way the world wants to commodify your body and demonize your mind. You deserve to be seen and respected.
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hoardlikegoldenirises · 9 months
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more self-indulgence!!
one part headcanons one part this is just how they are in my AU probably—uh... watching a parade? idk actually. i just. drew them.
because... i felt like it.... there are still missing characters because spider-man has five million supporting characters which is truly both a blessing and a curse (also like, i didn't include any foes or villains lmao but rest assured at least two of peter's rogues are queer...)
i decided this is like 2019 or something for?? no real reason other than i guess a lot of the adults finally being out or whatever... idk... that would make peter and his friends around 30-32 on average (well no felicia would be like 34) so still youngish but also definitely Adults™...
the kids are meant to be late teens early 20s but drawing that very specific age group is like, way difficult... also all the youths are short compared to peter's friend group of exclusively 5'9" to 6' people XD (well gwen and harry are shorter so i guess it's fine XD)
some of these are more firm than others. like. should randy be straight? i dunno. is aunt may straight or are all the alive parkers bisexual lmao? idk. what about literally all of the teenagers except andi? i have no clue and a lot of the stuff with them is waaaay later and I am not anywhere close to, so i just put them all in rainbows cause why not! but i do think janine is a token heterosexual in this instance lmao—see, not ALL of my AU versions of characters are queer, just most of them
also i'm going to put a few close-ups/crops below the cut just because it's hard to see them in the lineup without zooming in or w/e
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obviously felicia and peter are bisexual and flash is... probably also bi? but i'm really still not sure... but she is trans :) and they're probably poly together but even after writing man-spider i'm genuinely... not actually sure if felicia is peter and flash's girlfriend or not 😂 they've got SOMETHING going on with the three of them but what it is, idk... i think peter is definitely polyamorous regardless, it's just a question of whether their relationship is or not.
red and blue hearts on peter's cheek technically poly but double as spider-man LMAO—plus earplugs cause pride is loud…
obviously felicia's also into leather and bdsm and stuff (and so is peter...) so i included some little hints of that... but didn't bother including any of the kink flags cause there's only so much i can fit tbh a collar works well enough.
i made his tie teal satin because of the teal ribbon for sexual assault awareness. but just a hint, cause i don't think he would be comfortable being public about that. he's out and proud as a bi jewish dude with a trans wife but he's really not out about being a survivor to anyone except a few very close and trusted friends/family. similar for kaine. so a teal necktie is just something for him. he's been through a lot in his life but he's happy 🙂
anyway i think i made flash's hair shorter than it's supposed to be here but it's fine, maybe she got a trim or something
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supportive aunts!! i already established like 3 years ago or something in some offhand line that MJ's aunt is an Eccentric Lesbian (huh wonder where she got that from—) so i'm sticking with the lesbian spinster aunt there. I don't know about Aunt May though. I always kind of waffled there on whether she's like straight, or bi... cause I like the thought of old ladies in love. I think maybe they have some kind of queerplatonic thing going on or something... either way she is proud of her boy :>
MJ I never know so I just go with the umbrella—she's Queer. What kind? Gender? Sexuality? Yes, (relatable)
What matters is that she is always Glamorous.
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i don't have any deep reason for making Glory bi, i just thought it would be fun, and also cause I like Glory/MJ... they are so fun... they compliment each other so much... I know that can be a just straight gal pals thing but listen, i like it
Gwen is the lesbian who's a teeny tiny bit bisexual but mostly into women. Also: not dead. lmao.
Harry is 100% gay (and divorced) but I still don't know when/if he ever comes out. Liz will def be out as a lesbian by the late 20-teens though cause I think she starts exploring her sexuality w/in 3-4 years after she and harry get divorced... also cause i thought it would be funny if liz and lily (who i did not draw) hooked up LOL
i didn't draw the babies because i ran out of steam for that but they would be... what... i think normie might actually be in like 5th grade or something at this point now that i think about it... stanley would be like... 5 though
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Hobie is bisexual almost entirely because when I read the newspaper strip and the prowler showed up, he and Peter were giving me Flirtation Vibes so he is bi, and also punk because I enjoy the aesthetic Spider-Punk has going on, so even though that's not going to be a thing in this universe, I still like to make some little nods to it. also it just feels like a fun combo. he's a kind of alt guy, he's not very straight, he's not very normal, he's had issues in his life trying to figure out who he wants to be... it feels like it just fits well... i like it
he gets MORE punk AFTER college and shaves half his head etc. (instead of having his twist-out), which is funny to me but you know, it takes time to figure shit out sometimes... i didn't draw his girlfriend Mindy (wife? idk if/when they get married in this AU...) cause like i said, omg, so many people to draw... also idk if she's like, straight or what. probably? there's gotta be SOME straight people XD how does she feel about hobie's fro-hawk...? hmm
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ah, cain and abel ben (and janine)
Ben is bisexual... like Peter. They both prefer women to some extent, but they have slightly different tastes (...well maybe not SO different) and Ben is more uh, subby? LOL—at least with Janine. Switchy. Unlike Peter, Ben has/had? a crush on Robbie LMAO but that's more of a like, mentor/mentee admiration kind of thing... not like a "i wanna make out with you" situation. Robbie is far too old for him. and also happily married.
In my notes I have that Ben was ofc also abused by Warren but a lot of his was medical and psychological (some physical as well), but... i would think there is an undercurrent of medical sexual abuse there nonetheless esp as much of this w/ warren hinges on sexual power dynamics and control, but i won't get into that here as it's partly still being developed and I don't want to get TOO heavy on this post lol
Kaine is, like I mentioned, a little complex and i'm not 100% sure about (also aracely painted his nails) I think that he's ~bi/pan in general? but maybe not? could be only into men? or not into anyone at all. but the thing about Kaine in this universe is that he's got a difficult relationship with sex and sexuality because of what he was put through by Warren, so while I don't necessarily think he's asexual I do think in this universe he's a little bit sex-averse or sex-repulsed and has a difficult time dealing with that stuff. He also just really desperately wants to be loved and he doesn't care who as long as it's someone, which is toxic in a lot of ways i think... being around Aracely would imo help him a lot in coming to terms with having like, normal, platonic, non-sexual, non-romantic, healthy (or at least healthier) interpersonal relationships, and understanding things like that... idk where he's at by 2019 though, mental health-wise... but yeah i wasn't really sure what colors or patterns to put on his clothes so i went with the dark purple and gray tones since they are the kind of common recurring colors on a lot of ace-spec flags including repulsion and related stuff.
as a sidenote as someone who has a kind of aro and ??? relationship w/ my own bisexuality etc. (idk if i consider myself ace necessarily but it's not totally irrelevant) i also don't want to like, Just Make Him Ace because trauma (but obv betty is aro at least) cause it's not that simple etc etc etc but also there absolutely are people who consider themselves asexual from trauma or for whom it's informed by trauma (though trauma would inform any aspect of interpersonal relationships, of course, and for kaine it does)... idk idk kaine is always like, much to think about for me. He's def not like... "normal" in the eyes of cishet patriarchal culturally christian society. I mean he's disabled for one thing,
ofc peter has many similar traumas esp after meeting kaine and HE'S def not asexual (though peter is also disabled)
idk idk i am always thinking about it and never quite sure. kaine has a very complex and largely negative relationship with his body.
i was also considering genetic mosaicism (46,XY/47,XXY) but i did not include any intersex colors etc. because a lot of this wasn't fully hammered out yet when i drew this. I think Kaine is probably intersex though. It's not necessarily obvious to anyone who looks at him, but it's also not something that comes as a huge surprise to him.
obvs the tiny hint of a teal ribbon is the same as for Peter, sexual assault/abuse awareness, and it's small and easily hidden. probably was given to him by someone trying to be supportive (ben and janine maybe? idk)—i mean ALL of it is from other people really. the sticker on the noise cancelling headphones? def from Aracely or someone else. his presence in the first place? dragged out of the house by a 19 year old girl. he didn't even have time to do his hair and he would rather be drinking coffee in a dark room alone :/
Anyway, Janine. Less complicated.
I decided at some point Janine is straight (but not narrow, as they say) so she gets an ally shirt lol. Like Peter and Kaine, I put her in some teal including a little ribbon bow on some satin ballet flats—obviously her history as a sexual abuse survivor etc. is very, very public in contrast to peter and kaine (and arguably ben, though i don't think he necessarily conceptualizes his abuse by warren in the same way, in part because it was very medicalized) but... it's not like she would want to draw a lot of attention to that. but i also do just like teal so i think it looks nice.
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like those are just genuinely cute shoes 😂 but also it's to tie it all together.
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the kids, the teens, the youths,
i really don't... feel like i know enough about them to figure out sexualities or if any genders are involved, and I'm a million years away from including them in any fics so a lot of that stuff simply has not been built out right now cause finer details aren't relevant to me yet (like. i'm in 2007 rn? miles is like... 8. lmao), so I just put them in some fun rainbow-y stuff. teens like going to pride and wearing rainbows right??? i mean i did.
i'm SURE miles and ganke have got something going on i just don't know What Exactly. nerdy friends...? nerdy boyfriends?? something else??? miles is wearing a tracksuit to hide his spider-man costume lol.
aracely is an enigma, i don't think anyone knows what's going on with her tbh. she is there to have candy thrown at her. she seems to like boys at least a little though.
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i actually do know what's up with Andi cause she's actually supposed to first appear in 200...8? when she's like. 10. she is trans, and she is also why Flash was able to accept herself more and also why Flash transitioned. Flash wanted to be a good role model to help Andi feel good about herself and to not make her feel like there was something wrong with her, and then later re: transitioning, Flash saw how happy Andi was and wanted to also... be happy like that even though she was scared. and Andi herself really was (will be, idk i never know what tense to use for this stuff) helped a lot by Flash trying to self-improve, by having a supportive babysitter, and a dad who loves her, and so on and so forth... makes a big difference!
Andi and Flash are kind of intentional contrasts here in that, where Flash took until her late 20s to really fully be able to accept herself, Andi is the kid who goes on puberty blockers in high school and knew right away she wasn't what everyone said she was. (Flash had like, hints of that, but really didn't even realize until around ~19 years old and wasn't able to act on it for like... 9 years whereas Andi just really got motoring lol)
also Andi is a lesbian 💖
As far as Betty! I wasn't sure about her at first but I was chatting with Kita and I was like, thinking about her relationships and stuff and thinking, you know, she seems kinda aro... and then i was like... I can just do that. If I want. So I did. so now Betty is aromantic (at least, in my little alternate universe) and ALSO bisexual 😂 Peter's social circle is just a bunch of quirky bisexuals. bi4bi4bi
also dolled the fuck up. Betty said "overdressed? i don't know her. a pearl necklace goes with everything." (...😜)
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I also am not sure about Randy (he also just has not come up yet i guess...) but I was thinking, you know, IDK, maybe he's straight as well. two whole straight people. i know he's dated a couple of girls in 616 (...i mean... so have most of the male characters lol) including like, Norah... but I'm not 100% sure what I would do there. I did end up making him a little bit of a hipster 😂 he's probably like... heteroflexible or smth... 🤔
Maybe Randy is ALSO bisexual??? or queer of some flavor.............. at least seems to KNOW about community stuff
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idek what the hell is going on with these four but Robbie and JJJ sure do run a bisexual-ass newspaper (...well now that i think about it peter doesn't technically work for them anymore by 2019 but i'm sure he drops the occasional photo) (still a lot of bisexuals)
jk jk there are plenty of other employees of presumably various sexualities including straight ones AND gay ones (probably?) but like, betty, glory, ben and peter are all bi here which struck me as amusing. Two 60-something year old men supportive by way of having a bunch of homos working at their newspaper. Also because it's funny to me to have Jameson be actually very chill about The Queers. something something "you don't tell me what to do in my private life, and i don't tell you what to do in yours!"
anyway that's it. have a gay day 🌈
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filmnoirsbian · 2 years
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I'm not partaking in the mcr renaissance rn mainly bc bandoms unnerve me after years of witnessing the 1d stuff that broke containment BUT. They really were one of Thee Bands when I was a teenager (I didn't believe in knowing anything abt musicians back then so really it was just Gerard Way as a disembodied voice in my mp3 player I didn't even know the names of the rest I didn't even like to know what musicians looked like unless they were women (lesbian moment)) and even when I was actively repressing my attraction to women I was still in the scene so my friend group was pretty faggy so whenever I think abt mcr I think abt my middle and high school friends who were boys in chipped nail polish and messy eyeliner and girls who kissed each other when we thought we could get away with it and trans kids who didn't know what their gender was but knew it was different with the black parade and bullets playing in the background so seeing all of this new mcr content and waves of love from old lgbt fans and young lgbt fans discovering and falling in love with and feeling represented by them is so...it feels like one of those movies where the adult returns to their hometown after being gone for a decade because their parent is in the hospital or whatever (my parent in this metaphor being Gerard Way? I guess? Or maybe the band is the hometown. My Chemical Indie Drama.) and even though a lot of things have changed there's still that nostalgic recognition and deep-seated love.
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dervampireprince · 5 months
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10k subscribers on Youtube!! I- What?!
At the start of this year I made goals and I never shared them because I was embarrassed that they were too high reaching and what if I shared them and didn't reach them and then I looked like a fool in front of everyone. But I guess I could have shared them after all because this is what my start of year 2023 goals look like now:
Twitch 536/500
Patreon 276/200
Youtube 10k/10k
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Thank you all so much, I can never thank you enough. Your support across these and more platforms allows to not only make content I enjoy but be able to make a living off doing it. You're allowing me to have a life and the ability to save up to move out into a better living situation. I wanted to make voice acted comfort content as fictional characters because when I was a mental ill teenager with no support system I found a Tumblr blog called @tomhiddlestonsoundalike. This creator was doing an incredible impression of Loki from the Marvel films and would record audios that were comforting, holding you while you cry, talking you down from a panic attack, etc. And as someone who'd found parts of myself in Loki and loved him, I would listen to these audios curled up in my room and imagine that Loki was comforting me as sadly I had no one else that would. That's why I wanted to start making audios because I hoped I could give to others what that creator gave me, but to also aim at least some of my content at trans listeners as I myself am trans and wished I had found content like mine when I was younger.
With another 1k subscribers please let me know who you'd like me to make a 1 hour sleep aid of. And for 10k there's be another special audio happening that's been a long time coming, a special something with my original characters Ambrose and Arden that people have been requesting for a long time. I hope you're all ready.
I wouldn't be able to keep making this content without you all, whether you support on Patreon, have commissioned me, or just watch ads on my Youtube.
A reminder that on Friday I'll be having a celebration stream and subathon on Twitch with giveaways and more. Though I suppose I need to update the title of that now.
Special thank you to my wonderful partner @julia-b00 . She's also an ASMR voice actor here on Youtube, an artist with an Etsy shop and streams on Twitch. And I have a feeling that you guys are into that sort of thing, so please check her out and give her a follow.
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Hey I just thought of something 🤭
Ok so what if Graves and Alejandro had met before but like younger like 15 years old Alejandro Mets Graves (also 15 years old) when Graves’s family is on vacation in Las Almas and Phillip is like Alejandro’s bisexual awakening and he tries to talk to him, but his English is kind of bad so he can’t really talk properly but Phillip can understand him perfectly but his vacation is up but they always send letters to each other until they both join the military and lose contact with each other until the game they meet again and Alejandro is talking to Rudy about how he looks familiar (same thing, vice versa but with Graves’s shadows 🤭)
im sniffing around in very old asks that i forgot about during my months long disappearance (i died and came back wrong) and found this and even tho it's REALLY late i still wanted to post this i like the way you think.
i can just imagine how awkward they are (like teenagers generally are) (especially queer teenagers) trying to navigate whatever it is. ohhh he's so cool i hope we get to hang out more and watch the sunset and maybe hold hands a little huh why? no reason. alejandro leaning hard into learning english, definitely not to be able to talk to the pretty boy he met and doesn't have a crush on. religiously keeping up with the letters, sending each other gifts and fun trinkets. graves going through a tough time in his twenties and them joining military, and alejandro is so bummed out that they stopped talking and graves doesn't write back. writing his newly created email in the last letter, just in case, and, well, moving it to digital would be faster and convenient, right? nothing ever comes of it, though (graves didn't even get it - he doesn't live at that address anymore).
so there's this very familiar looking guy and he's not sure if it really actually could be _the_ guy, but he's not sure he should ask what if it's like creepy and how's he gonna go about it like "hey by any chance didn't you have a pen pal in late 90s" and rudy is so done with it like dude it's not weird just ASK, but what if he specifically didn't want to talk to him anymore that would be so _Awkward_ and-
and graves definitely knows it's his alejandro, he just feels too guilty for what he's about to do to bring it up and give him hope. couldn't resist putting my trans hcs into this but i put it under the cut
alejandro not recognizing him because he deadass just doesn't know how he looks like. vaguely familiar yeah but it's not like he can roll up and ASK about stuff like that. of course he knew abt him being trans, he told him himself in a very personal and emotional letter a couple years after they met (and several more after that, because ale had questions and no one else to ask). also i think the top tier wholesome comedy is him taking the info like "i guess im bi then lol" totally chill like nah nah ur good i gotta figure out stuff about MYSELF now he's not even sure he knows the name he settled on in the end. which is also why he didn't even know where to start searching if he decided to (maybe he just didn't want to have a relationship anymore and he shouldn't bother him?)
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kitthenameless · 7 months
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Trans!Vace & Other Exocolonist Thoughts
Random "I Was A Teenage Exocolonist" post because I still have a few thoughts floating around that have no where else to go since I wasn't going to put them in my review. (It's an incredible game, btw. Throwing that out there for anyone who hasn't played.)
The genetic augmentations. What exactly was going on with those on Helios? Because on Stratos, it seemed everyone got their augments as babies or kids. And Nomi-Nomi not knowing theirs implies it was done when they were too young to remember. But Rex is just part dog. Which is a wild augment, because why? To me, that implies he chose it himself. Because why would any parent choose that? (Does he at least have dog senses? That would make more sense, but I don't remember if that was mentioned.)
And then the real confusing one is Vace, whose augment is a bigger dick. I would guess that maybe it was a secondary augment, sort of like how Tang's is that she needs less sleep, but she also changed her body as part of transitioning. Except Vace's listed augment in his profile is "well-endowed." I know they didn't do that to a baby. He definitely got that when he was older. So what is going on?
Also, sort of weird that he'd admit that so proudly? I feel like he's the type of man who would rather pretend his dick is just naturally that big. I even thought at first that he was trans, because of the way he said it, like, "Thanks to Daddy Genetech, no one doubts I'm the man anymore," or whatever. As though people used to not see him as a man. Which, yes, would be a problematic thing to say because you can be a man without having a dick, but it's already problematic anyway, and Vace being problematic is just par for the course. But then his profile just listed that as his augment. If he were trans, I'd think he'd have some other augment. Except him being trans would make more sense with how excited he is to talk about it. Maybe on Helios they only get one chance to alter their body? Unlike Stratos where everyone gets an augment and can also transition? Or maybe he has another augment that he just never mentioned, and so Sol just thinks that's his augment, so that's all we know about because the game is from Sol's POV?
Probably none of the above, because trans Vace is not confirmed or even hinted at in any other way, but I like it as a headcanon anyway.
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spaceorphan18 · 6 months
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Okay guys! I have watched all of Hearstopper -- as picked by you!
And here are my thoughts!
I'm going to put it under a cut -- Idk if people are worried about spoilers? Idk.
My overall, quick thoughts are that I liked it! It's a well done show, and I'm glad that there's a celebratory LGBT+ youth show that isn't reliant on trauma porn in the way that Euphoria is. (I haven't seen Euphoria - but based on what I do know, it'd be too much for me.)
I think, though, I have some complicated feelings about the show, though, more so concerning my place in life and less about the show itself. But I guess some reflecting is at hand.
I liked the first season more than the second. Part of it, admittedly, might be because I spent the whole day binging it. And sometimes that's a hard thing in general. I had a nice day -- and as afternoon slipped into the evening, it kind of felt like one of those relaxing days where you curl up with hot cocoa on a snowy, winter day. It's comforting. I enjoyed my day - but it was probably too much by the end of it. I was getting antsy about moving on, so that's on me, and my issues of not being able to parcel things out.
I think the other part of it is the realization as the second season was playing that I've spent the last thirty years watching some kind of variation of the stories being told. And while I think it's great that Gen Z has this, and that the LGBTQ+ community has this, I feel like I've seen it all before. This isn't a criticism of the show -- it's more so that I don't think I'm invested in these kinds of stories anymore. It's kind of interesting, in a way, that it doesn't matter sexuality or gender or what age you're growing up in, there are some themes that are universal.
Alright - so some more specific thoughts:
I do like the Nick and Charlie pairing. They're very sweet together, and I think the show does a good job of exploring it as a growing, awkward teenage relationship.
I also like the way they've handled Charlie's eating disorder. I usually hate eating disorder story lines in media -- and this one was handled in a really nuanced way, and I think that's really cool.
I think one reason I didn't like the second season as much as the first, though, is that the first is a real exploration of Nick and Charlie -- with everyone else as a supporting cast. And the second season kind of falls into the pitfall of being a little too bloated as they try to expand on everyone. As well as -- making it about everyone coupling off and less about the friendship. Don't get me wrong, they make sure to show everyone as a supportive group, and that's great, but friendship dynamics just didn't factor as much, and I hate when shows get so caught up in romantic dynamics that that's all it focuses on. Plus, Nick and Charlie almost got pushed to the background of their own story.
I have never read the graphic novels or the web comic so I have no frame of reference -- but Charlie's sister is straight out of a comic strip. I don't know if that works as much on screen, but man you could tell. (I felt that way about early Tao, too.)
The family dynamic stuff of the second season was... fine. But, I really do love Olivia Coleman as Nick's mom. She does a lot with a little.
I like Tao and Elle as characters (and really like that being bi-racial and trans is part of her identity but not her whole character), and while their romance was telegraphed early on, I can't say that I'm all that interested in it. And I feel like across all media, the cliche of one person wanting to choose their career and their romantic partner has to deal with that just feels... tired.
(Honestly - I think there's a story here about how you think you are in love with someone - and you try to date them only to find out you're better friends, is a more interesting angle, but I knew it wasn't going to go that way.)
I do love Tao's mom though. She is a delight and I love her.
Okay, here comes probably my most controversial opinion. I really wasn't a fan of the f/f story. The problem is, unlike Nick and Charlie who get to be nuanced, real characters. The girls identities and story are completely tied to the fact that they are lesbians. They really aren't developed outside of their lesbianism and I find that really unfortunate. I'm glad there is a lesbian couple on the show - I feel like they're underserved in media as a whole, but I really just don't like this story line or these characters very much.
That said - I'm really glad that there's so much f/f friendship on the show, and that there are a lot of instances of females supporting each other.
And then there's Isaac. I really love him as a character, and I absolutely LOVE that they put asexuality on the show -- seriously, as someone who is borderline asexual, it's so, so refreshing to see a teen going through a lot of what I went through as a teen. My one problem is that as the show erases a lot of the friendship dynamics for romantic ones, Isaac gets a little lost. Isaac is on his own? Oh that's fine -- he has his books. Geez, c'mon show. Let him have one conversation with one of his friends about how he feels -- and less of his melancholy, balcony brooding. (Again - there were definitely group scenes where they made sure he was included - but let's face it, Isaac is still a third tier character.)
Okay, and then there's another big issue I had overall, which, again, is less to do with this show, and more to do how certain things are portrayed in teen media. I really kind of hate the notion that your troubles will be your troubles until you find a magic partner who makes all those troubles go away. The world... just doesn't work like that, and you will have so many people in your life who will love and support you, and I wish these shows didn't zero in on romantic relationships to save or fix you. I know the narrative wasn't trying to do this -- but sometimes I roll my eyes when it feels presented that you aren't worthy of being you until someone romantically interested validates you.
The kind of background love story of the two teachers I found amusing. They're both great minor characters -- I would totally watch a show about them. The rugby coach, too, is a fantastic character. I'm glad the adults in this show aren't complete buffoons.
Overall, the show, on a technical level, looks really good. I did love the little added animations that popped up -- in a way to show the graphic novel origins.
So yeah. Look. This sounds like I hated the show when I really didn't. It is very sweet, and I am looking forward to a third season. But I'm being nitpicky of things I've seen over and over in teen media for the past thirty years that, honestly, did detract my viewing pleasure. That said -- I do think stand by what I said earlier in that it's something great for people who are of the correct age, and who are experiencing these stories for the first time. There are so many worse alternatives that I enjoy the fairy tale-esqueness of this one.
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being-kindrad · 3 months
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Q&A Panel with seven detransitioners, 2023, transcribed
youtube
The following is a transcript of the first ever Q&A panel discussion with seven detransitioners filmed on Detrans Awareness Day 2023. Seven detransitioners speak publicly and answer questions from the audience at a film screening of the documentary No Way Back: The Realities of Gender Affirming Care.
The panel discusses the medical ethics of the gender affirmation model of care for gender dysphoria, and the untold harm personally endured by detransitioners Chloe Cole, Laura Becker, Luka Hein, Estella Suarez-Hamilton, Brian Wagner, Rachel, and Shape Shifter.
The panel answers questions from concerned parents about the relationship between gender distress, social contagion, trauma, and familial relationships, and panelists give advice about maintaining and repairing relationships with children and loved ones who are experiencing identity issues.
View the panel recording here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyJGijjI2JU 
Transcript after the break.
Panel moderator: How do you guys feel? Had you not seen [the documentary] before? Did it bring up any feelings for you guys?
Estella (female detransitioner): It brought up a lot of feelings for me. I medically detransitioned this past year and I was still maintaining my social transition, clinging on to that, and kind of hearing about the process of other detransitioners and even speaking to some people who are here today, learning how much commonalities we have with this journey. It makes you realize that “oh, well, maybe this is rare, but maybe this is not so rare as they're saying.” Especially when it comes to medical consequences. I can speak for myself with some of the effects that testosterone has had on my body—it's menopause, it's going through menopause at nineteen. And when your body's not ready for that. And there was like a list of that, the incontinence, not being able to hold your bladder, not being able to sleep because of heat flashes that are painful. It's ridiculous, thinking that a teenager should go through that, when they're just at the cusp of adulthood, so it brought up a lot of emotion realizing that I wasn't alone in a lot of that. I know that I had a conversation with Chloe earlier this year about heat flashes and that was the first time that I had spoken to anybody about the itchiness and the uncomfortableness at night and realizing that wasn't just me, you know, and that's what you hear a lot, a lot of people being like “oh, well it's just you, I guess it just didn't work out for you.” It's like, it's not just me, you know, this is something that could happen and it's exhausting. So, yeah.
Panel moderator: Can we just go down the line really quick and introduce, you guys can introduce yourself, so we know who you are and then we'll open it up for questions.
Shape (male detransitioner): Hi, I'm Shape. I'm a male detransitioner, gender non-conforming. You guys may know me from YouTube or Twitter, so this was pretty powerful, also triggering, but powerful.
Rachel (female detransitioner): I'm Rachel. I transitioned when I was like 25, lived as a “man” for like seven years, realized “oh I don't need to do this and I'm running away from other things,” so I went back to living as a woman, more or less, a year ago, and just kind of opened my eyes to kind of like the whole gaslighting of this “trans marketing” like it's you know they—well not to get too far into it, but the whole thing is weaponizing empathy to make people believe that “oh you have to affirm these kids that's the nice thing to do,” but long term, well, I think you guys know.
Brian (male detransitioner): Good afternoon, my name is Brian Wagner. In my early 20s, I had substance use disorders and mental health issues. I transitioned from male to female, I lived my life as a transgender woman for close to 10 years, I detransitioned upon sobering up and getting to see a psychologist that was not an activist. The most powerful part of this documentary for me personally was when it talked about Jung's “Shadow Self,” because I think for a lot of society and especially the trans rights movement, detransition is a reality that they're not ready to see or face or accept quite yet, so thank you.
Estella (female detransitioner): My name is Estella Suarez Hamilton. I gave an introduction already so…
Luka (female detransitioner): My name is Luka Hein and I transitioned as a minor at 16 and de-transitioned around six months ago when I was 20.
Laura (female detransitioner): Hey everyone. My name is Laura Becker. I was in the documentary. My hair was looking a little messed up at the time, I had dyed it too many home dyes, pink—thank you—for a little while it was—so yeah, some of you may know me from Twitter, Funk God artist, and I designed some of the Detrans Awareness hats and shirts that some people might be wearing so that's what you may know me from.
Chloe (female detransitioner): I'm Chloe Cole and I'm somebody who also transitioned as a minor between the ages of 12 to 16. And I've been speaking out about my experience for not much longer than a year now, since I was 17.
Shape: I guess I should tell a little more about my story since everybody has. I transitioned in my early 20s as well, the first time I ever got any kind of mental health help was when I went to Fenway House in Boston and they completely ignored my internalized homophobia, other comorbidities, and affirmed me, like there was no pushback. I got on estrogen pretty easily, but my mental health declined after that, but I attributed it to being in a “wrong body,” so unfortunately I got cleared for the sex assignment surgery. That deteriorated my mental health even further. I have complications after multiple revisions. I have urinary tract infections every month, that's why I was going to the bathroom like a million times. I am unable to have sex, I have osteoporosis, I haven't been able to get any help really from endocrinologists or even surgeons to reverse this. This is all one giant experiment I fell into when I was very vulnerable and not in a good emotional place. I definitely got sold lies and “hardware fixes” for my “software issues” that actually never went away. And my biggest push for transition was internalized homophobia, I just didn't want to be gay, because I was brainwashed from very young age that gay is bad and sinful, so the minute I realized I could escape my homosexuality, I latched onto the idea that I'm a woman, but I realized that none of those transitions solved any of my mental issues, in fact it made it worse, thank you
Panel moderator: Okay, does anybody have a question?
Audience member: Hi. Thank you all for being here, you're all very brave, and I probably follow mostly on Twitter or something. I think like a lot of parents whose kid is in this ideology, fortunately, my daughter so far has not said she wants to medicalize, but I can see just socially things sort of upping, which scares the hell out of me, because she'll be 18 next year, so I'm wondering if you guys had seen this documentary when you were 17 would it influence you [several panelists shake their head no] or is there anything that you would say to somebody at 17 who's in the grip that you like would help them like, you know, for body acceptance or whatever it would be, I would love to hear.
Estella: Yes, if I saw this documentary it would have made a difference. There are some people that are stubborn and very hard-headed and I was one of them, especially when you're 19, you think you know everything. If somebody says “oh you're gonna get menopause,” “oh I don't care,” you know, because you don't know what that means. The more information people get I think from first-hand, it makes a difference. I remember—and I said this prior to when we sat down—I didn't get top surgery. I was on testosterone for over seven years, and I was socially trans before that, and then a little bit after that, but I never went for top surgery. Specifically I can remember I watched a testimony of somebody who was transgender, they were a transman, so they were a female, and explaining that they had done all this surgery, and all this hormones, and everything, and it still—they were feeling like it wasn't resolving anything. And I remember he was this big buff bodybuilding guy and I was thinking “oh he's so beautiful I want to be like that” and he was like “don't do it, it will not fix your dysphoria” and so that gave me enough to just hold back, hold back. When I came to Los Angeles, there was no gatekeeping. I went to a very popular trans clinic down the street from here, and I was new in town. It was my first time going and talking to them, and they had an interview with me and like a car dealership, you get a packet of papers and you're good to go, like they have everything. But because I had seen the testimony, I thought “well let me just give myself some more time to think,” and the more you read about long-term and the more you talk about these surgeries and how they affect you in the end, the more you realize “well this is maybe not the most creative solution and this is probably not the most healthy solution,” so that's—I think it would make a difference, I think that absolutely this this film is a snapshot into history, and a good opportunity for people to get a different perspective. Especially because it's going from a leftist view too, so it's very nice to be able to digest that.
Brian: When I first transitioned, or started to, I specifically remember I saw the testimony of a man named Walter Heyer, he's an elderly man who I believe did in fact have the vaginoplasty and it didn't stop me. Thankfully, I never had that done, but I was well aware of it. But I was in a very delusional and ideological mindset, so I really don't think seeing this would have stopped me, I really don't. But I would have just told my former self to be careful what you wish for and don't rush into anything, because changing your gender it's not like you know, shaving your head, or you know, something like that, it's very difficult to undo and the further you go, the harder and harder…
Rachel: One thing for me, in female social circles, I definitely felt like I got “cool points” for it and I was already in my 20s, and it's got to be ten times that when you're in high school, so I feel like almost anything you would say would just fuel it even more, because it's like “oh this is something you're not allowed to do,” and it's kind of risky, so that's more exciting. And I don't know if this would help, but one of the biggest reasons I detransitioned was because I realized I felt affirmed in my identity as a “man” when I was with my female friend group, but then as you get more and more masculine, they don't see you as a woman anymore, and your brain does literally change, like there is something different with the hormones, so any kind of feelings of belonging she gets like within her current social circle, just basically imagine losing all those female friend groups, because once you look like a man, it doesn't really work the same. So like I don't know, I'm not really even sure how to explain that to a kid, but like “would you do this if you were completely alone by yourself without the affirmation of all your friends?” And she'd probably say “yeah sure I would,” but people tend to socialize in gendered groups, so just imagine if she can't socialize with her current friends, because of the way that they see her as, like, a man, later on. I don’t know how better to describe that.
Chloe: So, I'm 18 now, I'm a legal adult and as many of you know, I travel around the country talking about this subject. And there's still a lot of things that I can't do legally, like I still can't buy marijuana, or nicotine products, or alcohol. I can't rent a car. I can't even rent a hotel room. Because I'm under the age of 21. And yet, at 13, I was allowed to make the decision to change my sex. But I really don't think that 18 is just some magical age where all of a sudden you're capable of, maybe legally doing something, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you really fully understand what you're doing. I mean, the estimate right now is that most people's brain development finishes at around the age of 25, and it's probably much later for a lot of other people. But brain development aside, there's still a lot of things that people at the age of 18, at the age of 25, and even beyond, don't know about the world. When you're young, you don't really have a lot of knowledge or experience having to do with the world, and I was lucky to find out that I wanted to have kids at the age of 16, and to stop transitioning then, but not a lot of women figure that out until much later now.
Luka: I think particularly when you have a child going into this and you're worried about them heading down the path of medicalization, every situation is different, but presenting a different perspective, I feel like, couldn't hurt. They may not listen, because young people tend to be rather stubborn, but it couldn't hurt. And you know your kid doesn't stop being your child when they reach 18. You still need to be there, and let your concerns be known, with care, and compassion, and a genuine concern for their health and well-being. Keeping that line of communication open, to be that safe adult for your child, even when your child is an adult, is something that young adults still need, everyone needs, to a certain extent. And there's gonna be young people who maybe didn't transition and they reach 18, and rush into stuff, but I don't think it's acceptable to give up on them just because they maybe won't listen or they're hard-headed. If anything, that's when you need to be more compassionate and really keep that line of communication open, because they deserve for you to keep trying.
Laura: Yes, so I think that this documentary definitely would have impacted my perceptions, because although I had a lot of magical thinking, was naive, very stubborn, I was also very overwhelmed and we all started to know the kind of common wisdom “kids need structure.” Everyone needs structure, we need to order chaos, because things are very overwhelming. And I was overwhelmed, that's a lot of what passive suicidal ideation is—just being overwhelmed and your brain goes to this solution, this fantasy solution of escape, so it can deal with it at that moment, and transition is very similar, the transition fantasy. So I think I really was hungering to be helped. I was very alone, from peers and family, and I really wanted a safe adult to really sit down with me and listen to everything, and tell me that they knew how to help. Not in a pushy way, or in a controlling way, but in a way that allowed me to feel like myself, and I just never really got that, because my parents, by the point when I was 19, when I transitioned, they were exhausted, and they were not very equipped to deal with it, and there was some abuse as well, to me, psychologically. So they just kind of did emotionally sort of “give up,” and because I was so stubborn, they said “okay.” And the thing is you know, you just kind of get used to people not seemingly really understanding you, you know. Teachers didn't understand, therapists just—low quality, low, shallow, shallow understanding and so they'll say “yeah you're valid” or like “sure you can, are you sure you want to do it? Yeah okay, you know, maybe it'll help, because you're already so f-cked up, you're already so mentally ill anyway,” so they were very desperate too, my parents. But I was suicidal and had unprocessed trauma—PTSD—so, definitely keeping that connection, I know it's very difficult, but still listening and still being there, and not giving up is this inevitable outcome that “this person is just going to be messed up and they're disabled and they're mentally ill and that's their identity” and trying not to see your child as broken, because I saw myself as a broken human being that didn't deserve love or was capable of achieving happiness, so of course you're going to go to desperate measures, like surgical interventions. So I would say this documentary would have really been a relief to me, because it just provided so many calming, intelligent, rational adults that are experts in the field, they know what they're talking about. It just would have relieved my existential anxiety and overwhelm to know that there is an alternative because I thought that there wasn't. I thought it was either “I'm inevitably going to kill myself and I don't want to live anymore as myself,” or “if I transition maybe that'll help I'm doubtful about it, pretty hopeless, maybe it'll help.” I didn't realize until several years too late, I mean too late in a short-term sense, for the surgery and hormones, that there were alternative pathways, and so I have been able to cure my gender dysphoria and treat my suicidal ideation and PTSD, still working on that one, that one takes some time, but yeah, thank you.
Shape: Yeah, this definitely would have helped me. A lot of things did resonate with me, specifically how autistic people think “black and white.” I didn't feel like I could have existed on a spectrum of a gender while being a biological male. Also the way that's like, I really got obsessed with transition when I found out that it was a “possibility,” so it kind of clouded my entire judgment. Also it's the first time I've heard how dysphoria shifts, so you fix kind of like one part of your body and then you get obsessed over another part, and that actually never went away—I'm still obsessing and experiencing body dysmorphia. Yes, it would have definitely helped me, because at the time I didn't know that many trans people, and definitely didn't know anything about detransitioners, I've heard a little bit, but all the stories were like “well those people were never trans on the first place,” you know, the same things they're telling me right now, so it's a very important documentary, it was pretty well balanced, I'm glad it was not really a radical documentary, it was very factual, so I think that it could help a lot of people.
Luka: I also just wanted to add that when it comes to a parent talking to their child about this, regardless of the age of the child, or anyone in general really, it's important to remember that only telling someone “yes” and telling someone “yes, you're valid” and only affirming them and only saying “yes” is not an act of love. That's not what love is. Love is not giving in to every whim and only saying “yes.” Love is putting up those boundaries and saying “no,” and having to keep someone safe, even when they might be upset at you for it, because only saying “yes,” and only going down one path, and only affirming, isn't love, it's enabling, and I feel like that's just something that parents need to understand with this.
Panel moderator: Thank you, we're going to have another question.
Audience member: Sometimes clinicians tell parents that if you insist too much, if you try to show your children a different reality, they will dig their heels in even further. [Some panelists nod.] What is the difference between the things that do that, versus the things that you think can actually bring on a shift in understanding?
Rachel: I think it's tricky, because I feel like I had to actually, unfortunately, transition to be grounded back in reality, because you’re told all these things—the thing with transition is it's sold as this magic cure, like the snake oil to cure anything, because we don't really understand what gender is anyways, and we haven't really done this experiment culturally. There are a couple people who did it, like, way early in the 1900s, like a handful of people, but it was out of reach for most people until medical science today, so there's this huge placebo effect, and when people have these different mental illnesses, we don't really know a lot of time how to solve them, but the thing is, the power of belief works really well, and transition, there's like this whole “gender euphoria” thing with testosterone, it is very euphoric. How do you bring people back to reality without them having to actually go through it? I think, and this is the tricky thing, I think that's why we're gathered here, is that we don't really hear the downsides of transition, right, we only hear about “oh, this is this euphoric thing that's gonna be life-changing, affirming, it’s going to be this person's real authentic self, and it makes us all good people for affirming, you know these trans kids because you know we have to save them from themselves from suicide.” I don't know, I think just sharing stories of like people who have gone through transition who were, or maybe still identify as trans, but found “hey, like there are some issues with this and there are other ways we can deal with this,” whether that's recognizing there's maybe autism, maybe there's internalized homophobia, there's other kinds of traumas, I think just people being more aware that there's this other side of transition that isn't the the “rosy” side of transition.
Estella: To understand your question, like “how do you avoid them from being you know upset that you're showing them the the other way,” and I remember the mindset that I was in at 19, at the time, I came out on social media because I knew that my parents would give me pushback and I just wanted to just spring it on them and just not give them any chance to have any kind of push back to me. So I remember my mother telling me “You'll never be able to fully get a penis! You'll never be able to impregnate a woman!” all these different things that were logical arguments and I was just like “No no, Buck Angel has a penis!” you know, all these different things, and I just wanted her to hear me, I just wanted her to hear what I thought was going to be a good idea, and I think that maybe a good solution would be “Okay, well, if you want to show me your resources or propaganda or whatever, then I would like you to watch some resources that are from my side” and then that way they could feel listened to and you could see what they're actually looking at and then give them an opportunity “Okay we watched it now please would you watch this documentary with me, or would you read some of the side effects and we'll go in and see ‘Do you know what a cyst is?’ ‘Do you know where those come from?’ ‘So here are all these different side effects.’ ‘What does atrophy mean?’ ‘When a woman goes through atrophy, is it just their uterus or is it their bladder? And all the muscles that are along with that?’” because that's something I didn't know until probably about a year ago, and I'm 27, and I should have been—a doctor should have sat down and talked to me about those, but that never happened, so if you had like a little “give and take” maybe that would be helpful, that's the best solution I can think of right now, in this moment.
Luka: I think it also is, you know, it's somewhat inevitable that when you give pushback, sometimes these kids are going to be upset. It is natural in child development for each age group, is there are boundaries, and it is very natural for kids to push against those boundaries in a healthy way, and it is the job of the adults to make sure that those boundaries are still maintained and that the kid can express that pushback in a healthy way. It's unfortunate with this issue that we've seemingly, as a society, not only we just removed the boundary to push against, but put a medical system there in place. But sometimes when you push back, they're gonna be upset, and they're gonna need a space to really express that, because you know when they are upset, that is an emotion that they are having regardless of if, you know, as an adult, you feel like maybe the reason is stupid, or they're overreacting. To that child, that's a very real experience, that they are very upset about this. And whether that be that they just need some space to go blow off some steam, or they need you to be there as a compassionate adult to explain to them why you did what you did, or they just need someone to listen, it is still a parent or adult's job to do that with a sense of care, because you know you can't force someone to realize things, but you can be there, and you can be there in the best way that that kid needs. And that's going to be different for every kid, and some of them are just, they're gonna be stubborn, they're gonna be upset for long periods of time, but I think just for this issue, we can't just throw out that responsibility that even if a kid is upset, as long as you are doing what you're doing with care, and they are able to process that emotion of being upset, that that is still a good thing, because you know the parents have a lot of emotions in this and they deserve a space to process those as well. The kids are going to have a lot of emotions, and we really have seemingly taken away that space that they need to process those to come to the realization that maybe you know “hey maybe my mom isn't pushing back because she's hateful, maybe she's concerned” or you know the parent being “maybe my kid isn't acting out because you know I told them ‘no’ but maybe they're acting out because there is a deeper issue there and they are crying out for help.”
Laura: Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking. I just wanted to add on to the idea of boundaries. What I often tell parents is, you know, this isn't palatable to hear, but the reality is that whether you tiptoe around—I've known parents that tiptoe around every little thing and they're walking on eggshells all of the time and it's extremely stressful—and I know parents who just get right up in there and take charge and say “no I'm the parent and I'm doing this” and I've known both sort of methods being taken and it is up to the individual parenting style, and the relationship you have with the child, but the reality is that as Lukas said, pushing back against authority and against parental wisdom is natural, normal, and even healthy. It can be an opportunity to further develop the relationship, because a child needs to learn how to manage their emotions. They need to learn how to take “no” for an answer, they need to learn how to look critically at other people's perspectives, and so it's very difficult. But repair is the other side to preserving a relationship. There will be conflicts, sometimes severe conflicts and damage will be done to the relationship, and so I think a lot of parents are focused so much on not damaging the relationship, which is understandable, but once it is damaged, I think that's when a lot of people might get into a really worse situation than if they had focused more on just the long run, you know, each little incident or confrontation is a smaller battle in a longer war, a war of preserving a relationship and having just a healthy life for everyone involved. I think focusing on “how do you repair” learning how to repair with your child is going to be critical, because it might be a very long period of time where they're processing things and if you act resentfully towards them, or bitter, or start punishing them, overly criticizing them. This is a more severe version of what may happen, but I had a parent who would verbally abuse me and gaslight me about it, and you know, I understand that they were angry and they were emotionally dysregulated, and that shouldn't have happened, but once it did happen, there was another opportunity there, the real work could have lied in the repair, that they had an opportunity to repair their relationship and further understand my perspective, but instead of doing that, they would gaslight me about it, and say that it was my fault, and say that never happened and that they did nothing wrong and in fact, I was, you know, punishing them or being a b-tch to them, you know, it was like very manipulative, that really damaged me, to feel it was all my fault, no matter what I did. Any emotion I had was unacceptable, and so whether it's arising to the level of like verbal abuse, or just—it's a spectrum of behaviors—but being able to repair and to acknowledge, you know, “I understand that this is painful for you” and not adding a “but” into it or like “but I feel this way” or like “but you're not listening” or like “you're so difficult, you're so difficult to deal with” you know, something I've heard a lot.
[cont] Really listening, and allowing them space so that they can start to trust you again, because the more you push when there's already been a damage a fracture to the relationship, the further and further away they're going to get, and then you might try to cling on even more, they're going to keep going. So it is inevitable that there will be damage, and I do think it's more prudent in the long term to think about the bigger picture of the relationship, and you may even lose what many people consider to be the biggest battle of all, which is when they get testosterone, when they get a prescription for hormones, when they get surgery, when they become an adult and they do something permanent, the reality is that even that is only a battle in the long-term war. There is life after the surgeries, obviously none of us advise doing it, but I think a lot of parents are so focused on just preventing that surgical outcome that they may lose sight of other ways to better the relationship, and once gender is over, what if they what if they forget about gender, what if you forget about gender, what what would that even be like? Are you consuming so much of your life based around that? Is there anything else in your marriage but just talking about the kids' gender problems, for example. And I'm not criticizing anyone, but I feel, you know, think about the long term, and things come and go, you know.
Shape: I'll be quick, I feel like one thing I've learned being in trans and detrans community, a lot of us have childhood trauma and if your kid thinks that they may be trans, maybe there's some trauma you don't know about, maybe you failed to protect them from predators, maybe you're the source of the trauma, because a lot of parents have been traumatized as kids themselves so they have all those personality disorders that they kind of transfer to their kids, so sometimes you need to look at yourself as well before communicating better with your child. Also unfortunately right now a lot of trans activists such as Jeffrey Marsh are teaching children online that they should go “no contact” with their parents if parents try to push back on transgender identity, which is completely crazy. It's pretty much emotionally manipulating parents to agree to support their transition, which sucks.
Chloe: Right. I mean, I agree that as a parent there are going to be some things that you'll have to do for your child that you may not necessarily want to, that they may not necessarily want, or that might not be the best for your relationship in the short term, and for a lot of parents this does involve taking away all Internet devices like their computers, iPads, phones, whatever else might give them internet access, and I think in most cases this is a good approach, but I think that if you're going to take something away, you have to replace it with something. A lot of these kids, the problem is a lot of them are addicted to the internet, because they were introduced to at a young age, and these devices are very stimulating, and for a lot of kids, especially kids who may not necessarily have a lot of friends at school, it can give them a sense of community online, but I really don't think that the internet and technology in general is really appropriate developmentally for most kids and teens, and a lot of these kids, they don't feel like they really belong to any communities in person, they don't really have any friends at school, a lot of them are bullied, many of them aren't really active in clubs, or sports, or extracurricular programs. If you're going to take away this one big thing from them, you have to replace it with I think one of those, which they should be in already.
Brian: Yeah, just real quick, I think one of the things that would have helped me in the beginning was if I had just gotten out of my woke echo chamber at my college, like if I had someone took me surfing, or gone dirt biking, gotten into some kind of rigorous exercise, I think that would have really helped, but yeah it's true. My psychologist, when my dad wasn't down with it, she was like “eh, you just won't have a father anymore” and I cut him out of my life for many years and I regret that now but, you know, had I just gone camping with my dad a couple times, or just listened to—I mean once I started listening to—it's really corny, but I started—I listened—there was two podcasts with Joe Rogan that I listened to as a trans, I was like “no no no, I'm still a man, I like man things,” and you know, not that women can't like, you know, MMA fights and, you know, certain things, but, you know it really realized that, and being sober, I was like “I made a huge mistake,” and yeah, take your kids out in nature.
[Time is reached, panel ends. Panel moderator thanks panelists, and informs the audience about current bills being considered in the legislature.]
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