#i guess i just needed closure

[inamorato666]

another venting post but i just want to express in as much detail as possible about the sheer mourning i have for my friends

they arent dead, none of them are. they just moved on. we've just outgrown each other. im sure a few of them have this same feeling as me, at least to some extent.

most of these friends that i often see are online profiles. my main source of communication is through discord, and during the pandemic, my first year being inside was hellish but at the same time i cherished all those chaotic times of being in servers laughing my ass off at the stupidest shit ever. granted, we were all lonely, trapped in isolation. of course we would cling to each other more in an communal online space.

an important detail about this though is that shortly after lockdown was initiated, my parents pulled me out of public school and put me in homeschooling. that was the beginning of my downfall.

as time passed and everyone was returning to attending school in person, i was still stuck in my same routine of always being online. it was a hellish cycle that soon became. at first it wasnt all that bad since i still had so many friends to keep up and rely on. but in my last year of isolation, the course of growing up and out had taken its toll. so many people were forgotten as i came and went. not to mention that the closest friendgroup i had been with ended up forgetting about me too, as i had to leave it due to being left out of things too many times.

and ever since then ive barely been able to heal from that intense loneliness. ive met my girlfriend which has been an absolute blessing and i now have one of the closest friend ive had ever but. i cant help but still mourn that feeling of being surrounded by people who cared about me like i cared about them.

i deeply miss it. i dont know whats happening to me but it feels like i cant make friends anymore. i dont know if its because of the social isolation, general smaller than average range of people since my school is a smaller charter one or just the general process of growing and maturing. but every time i seem like i can enter a promising friendgroup i end up leaving for whatever reason. its mostly because i realize i cant stand those people or they still forget about me even if it feels like ive made a good impression.

i cant help but feel guilty for wanting more. after all, my friend and my lover are all i need right? but then again humans are social creatures. everyone has a group they can fall back to. so why not me? what happened to me? who do i blame?

it feels so...i guess, bittering when i see or hear about either of the two most important people in my life mention about their friends. i want to join in so badly. i really do. but i know the pattern. i know ill leave. i dont know if ill ever fit into a group. i dont know if this is okay and i should move on and make peace or continue trying.

ive been trying to numb about this for a while now. but the pain resurfaced recently. it was a realization. a realization that this one group of people that ive been hanging out with consistently doesnt care about me. i always have to butt myself in so i can be acknowledged. even then, they still ignore me so many times.

my chest is starting to hurt so much whiel writing this because im now realizing how lonely i am. im surrounded by people but almost no one sees me. i want to share my ideas and experiences so badly. no one wants to hear me. i feel so selfish for wanting more than i already have.

the reason why i started writing this was because of a particular friend i had since the early days of middle school. we clicked after the first few anxious weeks of school. while we didnt have any classes together we still found each other whenever we could. we had our cringy anime phases together. we comforted each other. we fantasized about living in a giant mansion in the middle of the woods with other friends with our other friends, making our food, tending to our house, healing.

ever since i left that friend group that forgot about me it seemed like even she forgot about me too. the process of realizing that was slow and almost painless, but every time i realize every day we are fading and straying away from each other more and more to the point ive now accepted that i probably wouldn't want to talk to her even as much as i want to relive those conversations we had in the past.

we were the awkward, emo, queer kids. shes moved on. shes almost unrecognizable now. im not even mad im just...stunned that my memory of her doesnt match her current self. that realization hurts, that im living in the past while everyone is moving on in the present.

"used to be one of the rotten ones and i liked you for that/now you're all gone got your makeup on and you're not coming back" is a lyric by social broken scene in a song called "anthems for a seventeen year old girl"

she has her make up on and she is not coming back. im still rotting. i feel so lonely and i dont think this can ever be numbed.

[ohrackham]

what was the point of lila thinking home was a feeling she didn't deserve and could never earn until she found diego. what was the point of them finding deep, meaningful love in each other. what was the point of lila opening her heart and confessing that all she really wanted was a family with him.

what was the point of developing diego and lila over two seasons, creating such a beautiful, chaotic bond, just to destroy it for no reason.

[sunforgrace]

he sat there on the ground and cried. for cas. cas told him he loved him was taken away and he buried his head in his hands and wept

[savage-rhi]

Magenta 😥

[fondfamilies]

love final season(s?) therapised-reid talking about who he is or could be outside of his job - the farm with cows, the fungi talk about how he grows, going out to meet someone unrelated to his work :') GOOD he needed that

[please-let-this-work-oh-my-god]

I'm just realizing now that by the current point in the game's story (2.0 in the CN server), Isolde is the one of the only playable characters who don't get closure or a true happy ending when their arc is concluded...

[janiedean]

i would beg my brain chemistry to magically realign itself on a sensed wavelength before I end up begging for meds i don’t think it’s too much to ask is it /s

[katyspersonal]

It is only first month of 2024, and I've already lost not one but two subjects of nightmares, paranoia and reoccurring emotional torture. I really wish there was another way to get rid of these besides having extremely painful conversations.. but at least these scars are closing, one by one

[tollsoftheclockwerkbelle]

can we get a movie about tigeress alone and unpack all of that please

[anaalnathrakhs]

i know it's not like i'm the most affected by the situation, but i wish idk i wish that i didn't have to direct my whole behavior to be my mom's emotional support dog so she can feel she's a good project manager and at least someone understands her side and listens to her good advice. which admittedly my uncle is being particularly difficult in this whole situation, bc it's always complicated, but also christ maybe it was your mom but it was also my grandma. one day you tell me "what you two had was really special" and the next you don't even let me have a moment alone with her. like god. you saw her yesterday. you could've left me a minute with her or something. you could've refrained from putting your gross ass arm around my shoulders like why do you absolutely cannot resist ruining every important moment in my life? i want to be as helpful as possible for her in this very difficult time, but NOT EVEN FIVE MINUTES. not even five minutes could she stand letting me handle how I want to grieve MY own grandmother.

[fancymuffinparty]

😐🥲

[friendofgeorgeharrison]

the demo of now and then moves me better than this song. also barely any involvement from george bothers me so much (no backing vocals or his solo). but even putting aside all my problems as a george's fan. im still not digging the change of lyrics and definitely very not digging paul's solo which sounds nothing like george's. if paul wanted he could have played the drums himself and the last beatles song could become lennon/mccartney (this whole song could have been an email)

[igixri]

honestly even as a #vincehead I’m not an el camino fan lol. like it was pretty good but I stand by that it just didn’t need to exist…like the finale of breaking bad tells you everything you need to know about what happened to jesse, what happens after the fact is just window dressing

[bottom-slut-unionizer]

Not to sound emotionally damagee, but my first ex did literally cheat on me 4 times to get back at me for trying to have a conversation with him in order to set up boundaries with our polyamory. N later left me for a guy he was seeing on the side (but the guy didn't want him lol)

[surpriserose]

Heard scavengers reign got canceled but moving networks and i gotta say like...this is not a show that needed a season 2 why was there a production to be canceled? Like some shows should just end and this is one of them sorry and im saying that because i loved it

[fantasticalleigh]

there is nothing more humbling than putting everything into the things you make and then having it amount to nothing each time. no matter how hard i try none of it matters. but at the same time it's kind of freeing and allows me to be more cavalier about the next thing. ¯_(ツ)_/¯¯_(ツ)_/¯¯_(ツ)_/¯¯_(ツ)_/¯¯_(ツ)_/¯¯_(ツ)_/¯¯_(ツ)_/¯¯_(ツ)_/¯