#i guess im a counselor enjoyer now? idk

[tvckerwash]

I'm thinking about price again my dudes. like I honestly don't think he was a bad guy or that he had bad intentions. he—like everyone else involved in project freelancer—choose to wholeheartedly believe in the director, and he genuinely thought that an out of the box/unconventional solution like project freelancer could've been the key to winning the war.

I also think that he did genuinely want the best for the freelancers, and that his psychological experiments were not intended to result in the outcomes that they did. I don't think price wanted to see /his/ freelancer agents that he personally hand-picked fail—or continually be put into positions that would result in failure, but, unfortunately, he was at the mercy of the director's whims and a fundamentally broken system as much as the agent's themselves were.

when I look at the way he interacts with wash in recovery one and s6, I don't see someone who is doing what he is solely due to underlying ulterior motives. like don't get me wrong, price didn't trust wash, and the extensive therapy sessions did have hidden agendas, but I think he really did want to see wash up and running again, and he does express some level of remorse over the whole epsilon incident along with south betraying wash and shooting him in the back. but again, unfortunately for price, he's dealing with a man who already had an inherent dislike of people poking around inside his head, who also doesn't want to beat around the bush and deal with all of price's bullshit therapy jargon because he's fine, so just give him a gun and tell him where to shoot.

at the end of s6, price wanted to negotiate with wash and meta, but unfortunately (for the umpteenth time), he was dealing with 3 people who were far past the point of negotiating and already had their minds made up. wash was prepared to die if it meant the destruction of freelancer and the meta, the meta was prepared to do anything he was asked if it would lead him to the alpha, and the director was prepared to continue using his agent's to carry out his personal agenda and eliminate those who got in his way.

then price gets sent to jail, left to rot by the man who he trusted. some years pass and he hears about how a group of colorful soldiers brought the director to justice, and then the prison transport ship he's called home gets hijacked by some mercenaries, and finding himself free (relatively speaking) for the first time in a very long time, he decides he's not taking any chances.

sharkface was doomed to die—price made sure to direct his single focused rage and desire for revenge towards agent carolina, for she had always been an empathetic and deeply caring woman even if she wasn't the best at showing it, and her competitive nature was an easy and obvious exploit. unfortunately for sharkface though, with all of his attention on carolina, that meant that agent washington would fall off his radar, and he would have no problem delivering the finishing blow that carolina herself couldn't—wash is a pragmatic man first and foremost, and he has no qualms about killing people if they pose a danger to himself and those close to him, and unlike carolina he only let's his emotions get the better of him in the field when he can logically justify his actions to himself as being unrelated to his feelings.

locus is a man who has been irreparably scarred by the great war along with so many others, and he has no sense of identity outside of being a soldier. his interest (and subsequent disappointment and anger) over agent washington not accepting him as a fellow soldier is very telling. price wonders what locus would think if he told him that agent washington had been court-martialed and demoted prior to being recruited for freelancer for disobeying orders and attacking his CO.

when locus has a sudden interest in the meta, he decides to take the opportunity to sow the seeds of doubt and open locus' eyes to the truth of his partnership with felix, and how the other man wants locus to stay a broken, mindless soldier when he does not need to be one. after all, price is and always will be a counselor, and while he thoroughly failed at his job in the past due to things that were both in and out of his control, here he sees a chance to do some good and make amends on his own terms.

[walessgooglehistory]

mun talks about - you guessed it - more delays

at this point im wondering if i should just take a break from hetalia. idk what brought it on. im just extremely busy, stressed the fuck out, and on the verge of tears like 75% of the time.

for one, my ap world class is killing me. i have a 79 and i feel terrible about myself. its only going to go down with a paper i recently turned in and im so embarassed with myself.

math is actually okay this year - it’s almost enjoyable. shocking, right? my math teachers in middle school sucked and last year we had 3 different teachers in 18 weeks... the other two classes aren’t too hard - animation & modeling and spanish.

this isnt even considering the fact that i recently went to an appointment with my counselor. she had recently went to a new place and they make you take those depression tests and stuff to see if you’re mentally stable. and? the manic questions? were so on top of what’s been happening lately? and im? kind of concerned? esp with family history.

speaking of family, everything is on the “HOLY FUCKING SHIT” express. not kidding. did i ever mention where i got my hispanic roots from? im 1/4 hispanic. or 1/2 i honestly dont know about my dad’s biological dad and i dont want to know - although he only marks hispanic on documents and stuff so im guessing im 1/2 then. my grandmother was born in a spanish speaking country. almost all of her other relatives (with her siblings, their spouses, their kids, and their kids’ spouses and grandchildren - probably at least 20 of them) still live there

its puerto rico. and we’ve only heard from two of my grandmother’s sisters - one is perfectly fine. the other lost her house. her entire house. she doesn’t have a home. we know absolutely nothing about the others. its nerve wracking and its taking a huge toll on my dad.

and to make things worse? shit has been going down at work. like. he used to try and stay because he didnt want to move, didnt want to have to pick up my grandmother during his lunch break to take my sister off the bus because im not old enough to do it, etc. but things have gotten to the point where he’s miserable. he’s applied to two jobs. one is in raleigh - an hour and a half away, but its better than nothing. the other one? is in california.

his job is all over the fucking place. he sells medical equipment & he travels a lot. he used to work in ny and moved to nc bc of a job offer then almost moved to ohio and florida from job offers but the businesses werent doing well so he decided not to. basically we could move ANYWHERE and im super nervous.

but now? i have a gut feeling we’re going to move. and i really dont want to. i have friends, im starting to become confident in myself, im joining clubs at school, im comfortable with how things are.

but my dad hasnt been happy in years bc hes been in a shitty job. they arent trying to progress the company and it seems like they’re trying to push him out... tbh i would rather see him happy with his job, travelling again (he said that next time he travels i could go with him, although it depends on financial conditions and the like), being able to relax and not stress about bills as much when he gets home. a new place wouldnt bother me after a while, but the thing im worried about is school. its going to be so disorienting. i cant help but feel sick thinking about it - i might have to retake classes, my GPA could be changed if he applies for any other jobs in states that go on the 7 point grading scale, i might not be able to continue the course that im on, etc.

honestly my life is a wreck.

also, my mom’s dad was in the hospital for almost two months because he fell and broke his hip. hes been having muscle problems and his body just gave out on him. he’s probably 6’ something but he weighs 140 pounds. its fucking bad. they’re thinking ALS or hydrocephalus, but the doctor gave him an ALS “diagnosis” so he could get disability because he cant function. he thought that my grandmother’s dog, who died in 2010, was still alive. he thought at one point that it was 2008. and he was looking at me like i was an entirely different person and that he didnt know who i was.

idk. basically im having problems and i needed to vent. i’ll leave you guys alone for a little while - at least until i figure out what’s going on.

thanks guys. again, im really sorry. i know im a disappointment.