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#i had lunch w my sister today and she was talking abt our dad and abt how him being like emotionally abusive made her a huge people pleaser
zemnarihah
·
1 year
Text
much to think about.
#i had lunch w my sister today and she was talking abt our dad and abt how him being like emotionally abusive made her a huge people pleaser
#and she was like yeah i think you didnt get that as much
#you were always the one who stuck to your guns or just didnt talk to him
#and at first i was like what bc i literally dont think anything i ever did could be rlly described as actually sticking to ones guns i alwa
#felt like i was so avoidant of any conflict w him bc yk i was like. terrified of him. but i was thinking abt it and compared to her i think
#like yeah actually shes right? bc i would avoid conflict w him but i did that by like fully cutting off our relationship as much as
#possible and she did it by trying to please him all the time. which probably neither were that healthy obviously they were jsut like. our
#instincts for how to protect ourselves yk. but the thing is for the past few months i thought i had been learning how to not be so scared
#of making ppl mad and to be more assertive and stuff. but i think actually i probably have always had that strength maybe it was just.
#kinda beaten down for a while since standing up for myself always made things worse. so the other option to not allow him to treat me like
#that was to cut myself off from him. But i still did that yk? idk.
#like i was thinking more abt it and
#i was the one who left the church at 18. after i moved out but i did. and i didnt hide it after that. my sister has apparently been mentall
#out for years now and nobody in our family knows but me. bc she is so scared to disappoint him. and like idk. i always was like why couldnt
#i get out earlier bc i know so many ppl who just said fuck you im not going anymore at like 14 or smth and i was like why couldnt i do that
#but i guess looking at it from my sisters pov our situation was just really fucking hard. and i guess im realizing i was honestly a lot
#stronger and braver than i thought i was that whole time. idk.
#lol its like bittersweet. bc it makes it so much more real that it was actually super fucked up. the way we grew up. like i think sometimes
#the easiest thing is for me to go haha yeah my dad was kind of a dick and whooaaahhh so crazy i grew up mormon hahah! but its like no that
#was fucked up. but look at how i made it through that yk. its kind of making me. idk. develop some more respect for myself i guess
#idk idk
#ignore me i am just journal posting . lol
#exmo tag
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