#i had therapy today it went well !
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It is so cold on this goddamn bus. Please. Help
#there is NO reason it should be 65 degrees in here….#I’m wearing a short sleeve dress bc it was so hot this morning because. you know. Florida in the summer#but then it rained and now it’s cool and breezy outside#and I was going to take my scooter home and enjoy the weather but I decided to take the bus last minute bc I was worried it might rain again#BUT IT’S STILL NOY RAINING#AND I WOULD’VE BEEN HOME BY NOW BC THE BUS TAKES SO LONG#AND#I AM SO COLD 😭#this post is sooo light hearted btw I love the bus. thank you bus#I love to sit and write my silly fan fiction instead of doing cardio#but I just get cold so easily. and I didn’t bring a jacket today of all days. and for some reason TODAY every building has been so cold 😭😭😭😭#anuway I’m excited to get home and eat my new snacks 👍 and play vidya game#also I just had therapy! it was good :) I didn’t really have anything to talk about but I think it went well regardless#I kept apologizing for talking too much and also. everything. and she was like ‘let’s reframe that shall we’ 🥲😅😅😅#ellyposting
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#had my first therapy session today#and while it went well and i felt 'lighter' for like an hour afterwards#now i'm just crashing#because i spent an hour summarizing all the shit that happened to me and haha not fun#im such a hot mess#i want to curl in bed under my cover and stay there#personal
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#liz.txt#i had therapy today#it went well#at least better than i expected#wasn't feeling good in the morning but im okaish now
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would love it if my weed-smoking downstairs neighbors would smoke their skunk weed on their PATIO in the gorgeous weather today
instead of hotboxing their apartment and thus sending the smell throughout the ENTIRE building
#I've been dealing with a rather significant thing lately that's rather devastating and upsetting#to the point I had to schedule an emergency therapy appointment to address it#(my appointment went well and was v helpful)#I'd like to not have to deal with their inconsiderate asses making my apartment reek like *I* was the one smoking#during winter I hated it but it was a bit more understandable#but the weather is BEAUTIFUL today. fucking SMOKE OUTSIDE. you have NO EXCUSE.#I just switched the candle I was burning bc the one I initially chose wasn't strong enough to cover the smell#hopefully this second one is#and I have MY patio door open to try to bring in some fresh air#I just can't deal with this right now. I fucking can't.#I'm so fucking sick of them. SO fucking sick of it.#I'm this close to reporting them#but weed isn't legal in my state so they'd be in like. legal trouble. and I don't want to do that.#but I'm just SO SICK of them stinking up not just their place but EVERYONE'S apartment#a TODDLER lives in this building. multiple PETS live in this building.#it's so disrespectful.#speecher speaks
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my goals for tomorrow:
- sing loudly in the shower
- thoroughly clean room/bathroom as I blast music
- lay outside in the sun as I listen to Maisie's new album
In short: listen to good music because it's healing <3
#I know I know I haven't listened to the good witch yet forgive me#my life has been HELL#literally had two breakdowns in the last two days :)#and I just rotted all of today (which was my first day to myself since It All Went Down)#I have other things to do tomorrow as well but I just wanted to share these <3#I have listened to the opening of the good witch! and I really liked it!#I'm excited to do the third thing I think it will heal me#also have been talking with my mom about maybe starting counselling/therapy#and I don't think it would do any harm
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Hii Zay hi hiiii ik you're not on twt anymore but I saw this on my tl today and thought of you 🫶🩷 https://x.com/quintortion/status/1734973558433219063?s=20 I hope you've been having a lovely day so far 🫶🫶
omg that is such a beautiful portrait of seulgi fdhfdshfsdhf it makes me. want to pick up a paintbrush again (it has been months ueueuueue) ... i think ik what im gonna try 2 do this winter break !!! ty for 1) thinking of me <3 2) sending me a sign that maybe i should try drawing even when it feels daunting LOL
#ty ana beloved i had a late start today but i went to therapy and the weather is warmer than usual for canadian winters which is. concerning#but it feels nicer LOL#i hope work is going well for u :''''') i see all ur textposts abt the stresses of being left in charge of phone calls organizing materials#and running errands and can i say. ur so brave for not quitting over a minor inconvenience bc it seems ur plate is full#also omg ur a writer who writes thats so cool to meee i didnt know abt that until ur more recent text posts#if you write in english french or spanish and ever feel comfy posting work on here i would be so thrilled to read it#asks#mewchiez
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thank god my therapist is propalestine. thank the lord
#mi mentioned part of my no good very bad day today was waiting like 30 minutes for a resident to fet out of rhe shower so j could mop their#bathroom (which i was told to go do 5 minutes befkre i was off work)#abd they had their tv blaring cnn coverage abt the genocide and callinf it a war and using all the misleading language and shit and it just#after such a shit fuckjng day it was the last thing i needed basically. but its okie#therapy went well i have to stop making daily affirmations jokes bc leslie has commanded me to start doing actual daily affirmations
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well, after a lot of crying and procrastinating and getting my anxiety ramped all the way up i finally emailed a potential therapist so that’s at least one thing i can check off my list :’)
#i dunno why that felt so goddamn hard to do but boy oh boy did it!!!#had to pull up templates of 'how to send an email to a therapist' as well as the email i sent to another one awhile back#and even then i still went through about a million drafts all to just basically be like#'hey i'm looking to start therapy can i schedule an appointment or consultation with you?'#like why was that so hard????#but at least it's done#feel like i haven't gotten much else done that i've meant to but that was a big one so i'm going to try to de-stress#even though i've still got several hours of work left but i'm going to try to take it easy#anything i can't get done today is just going to have to wait until next week#and then after next week it's not my fucking problem because i will be on pto#so...suck on that#:P#anyway my brain has completely stopped working now so bye!!
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I had a stressful (but good!!) day, goddamnit
#jess rambles#saw 3 clients today#each went well#I’m very behind in my notes which I need to finish by 10 am lol#but I’ll do that in the morning#and I had my first therapy appointment too#and she’s not so bad#thank god we aren’t doing CBT I would have screamed#we’re doing ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy)#I asked her about DBT bc I heard it may be good for autistic people and she said we can definitely incorporate dbt skills but her specialty#is ACT#which she said is probably more appropriate for my symptoms anyway#okay ma’am I will trust your professional judgement lol#hopefully you’re not lying bc it’s more convenient LMAO#anyway#I’m liking my job so far#it’s just a lot to keep up with so I hope I don’t get burnt out#alright bye
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#had an existential crisis yesterday#well more like have been having waves of one for two weeks#talked about it in therapy yesterday to try and deal but that ended up bringing it to the surface#cause it’s not like there’s an actual solution#so my anxiety was through the roof yesterday and going to choir helped some but then it still was majorly elevated#ended up waking up at about 3:15 due to these rushing thoughts and then tried a meditation thing for 30 minutes#finally remembered the sleep with me podcast exists at like 4:15 and that knocked me out until my alarm went off at 5:30#got to bed late too because of when choir rehearsal ends and needing to finish work before i slept#so i got a total of like 5 hours of sleep and am currently feeling a bit nauseous and the existential crisis feelings?#they are still THERE#aaahhhh#i know it will go away eventually because will certainly do not feel like this all the time and it’s lessening in intensity#leaves on a stream and all that#but on top of all the grading that i have to do today i certainly did not need this#so your girl is 1) sleepy 2) stressed 3) anxious as FUCK 4) annoyed that i can’t control my thoughts and feelings 5) sad#🙃#anywho.
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cannot escape the hellscape of driving to your dentist appointment while your Healthcare App beeps to remind you that you have a past due bill from the last appointment
#that was from me paying out the nose for ultrasound services#because apparently my cervix is flipped around#and i had to get missile guidance for the iud#when four people are saying comforting words to you#you know the bill will come#blugh#the dentist has several suggested follow ups for me that shall simply have to go On Hold#also: why didnt I bring bluetooth headphones#also also: i went to the fancy dentist so that i could get accomodated; why didnt i ask for laughing gas?#well#see above i guess#pay extra for people to be niceys to you#please let the dentist therapy dog be in today#next week is eye doctor and new lenses#I'm truly just crabby because i went in to the car dealership this morning and agreed to have all my fluids drained and put back in#when i just went in for an oil change#amd it was like $400#in the winter i spend#in the spring and summer i moan and swear to get a part time job#half dead fried life#cw healthcare
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the thing they don't tell you is that chronic pain -- like, any level, even if it's not "debilitating" and you can still perform all the activities of daily living -- is so depressing. when half your energy every day goes towards just tolerating the pain, of course you're going to be meaner, less productive, more isolated and more tired and thus feel worse about yourself. not even to mention that, if your condition is degenerative, living with this pain every day and KNOWING this is the best you'll ever feel again can make you feel SO hopeless. which is WHY any pain management program, especially those using controlled substances like opioids need to be paired with mental health support or else the physician is just setting the patient up for at best, failure of the program and at worst, a fucking opioid addiction
#i felt soo crazy for so long after my jaw was dislocated. i really didnt take it seriously at first bc i thought. well of course its going#to hurth this much now bc the injury is so recent. but it will get better. but as the months wore on and it DIDNT my mental health#hit the lowest point its ever been. none of the doctors i had seen warned me abt this even tho its well documented that#chronic pain is usually comorbid with some level of depression#and i felt awful bc its such. invisible pain that unless you would see me trying to eat or stretch my jaw you would really have no idea#why i never said anything or why i never wanted to do anything or why i didnt ever want to eat so i also felt like everyone hated me#it wasnt until i went through several months of twice weekly pt AND started seeing my current doctor AND got on antidepressants that i#realized why my mental health was so bad at that point. the therapist i had been seeing had been NO help lol#after all the physical therapy its a lot better altho i still rely on otc painkillers and my cbd vape and on bad days heat/ice#but even now that im in a way better place its still depressing when i realize i cant sing the way i usedto or eat ny favorite foods etc#anyways. my undergrad capstone was abt the opioid epidemic and harm reduction i really just am very passionate abt this topic#also i listened to the sawbones xylazine ep today
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oooo i missed the dr call on thursday and they finally called me back this morning about my abilify. she told me to try to take half a dosage and so far so good! i hope this keeps working -w-
#the tabs were only 5mg to begin with so they're so tiny i had to find a pill cutter to break them in half#now the halves i have to take are absolutely microscopic#at least they're easy to swallow...i hate taking pills#i met w my therapist today too and that went well#i informed her of my meds situation and she was like why on earth did they start u at 5mg ur too tiny for that#idk ;-; i just do what the dr tells me#anyways the moral of the story is i'm getting my meds sorted out and therapy is going well and i'm very happy about that 👍🏻#snow.txt
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therapized!
#i did it i did the therapy#woop it went well today as usual we talk about feeling emotions which was nice#another journal entry that does not go here. all day i have had an itch in my chest i want to itch so badly that i cannot#and i just want to call you and i just want to talk but it is all i have wanted for two months#god i want to call you god i want to call i want to call fucj fuck#i also want to simply walk for miles and miles and miles and miles i might i just need to be warm#might go to the gym? but that means i have to eat dinner#might just walk and walk and walk and walk and walk#fuck#i will be good#diary
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hhhhhiiiiiiiiiii
#today was super overstimulating#and i have that feeling like i didn’t have me time tho so i just sat here making vids just talking#but now it’s time to sleep and lay down for real#crazy day man. went and had thanksgiving at my dads it went very well actually#i’m just very worn#it was a lot. it’s always very loud there#um but i’m doing good#i work tomorrow which sucks but honestly it’ll be fine#i need to call about my medication refill tomorrow if they are open#and i need to uh start this gift for my bro#uummmmm yeah#omg. omg i have therapy this week 😭😭😭😭😭😭#it’s been sooooo long cuz she had to cancel and move me two more weeks ahead#i’m very excited man i love her so much#our baby kitty scratched me real bad yesterday and i’ve been messing with it and now it’s itches even more#gotta leave it alone man#it’s just. so nice to peel skin 😭😭😭#oh i need to do laundry also . i’ll make a list
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#not asking for sympathy or well wishes or whatever. my grandmother died on friday.#she was sick for about 2 months. honestly to an extent it's kind of a relief that she's not suffering anymore.#i cried on friday. i haven't cried since. but i've had waves of having to remember she's gone that make me sad.#this is the grandma who taught me to crochet. and basically to cope i've thrown myself into sewing and crocheting and knitting.#i didn't really realize that's what i was doing to cope but now i'm realizing this is what i'm doing.#but literally after getting the text that she was gone i got an email that one of the shows i'm working on fell into chaos#from 2 people catching covid and one losing their voice and having to throw on a bunch of understudies.#but i was like i can't think of that i gotta go be with my family. i can maybe deal with that later.#so after we collected her stuff from the nursing home and sat at home for a few hours i went to that theater to get my mind off of things#and going there and dealing with chaos that wasn't my life made me feel a little better. getting to sew some repairs helped.#the director at one point turned to me and said 'what a day. from 2 understudies to 6.'#and i said 'yeah. i saw your email and i was like this is really the worst day of my life.' but she thought i was joking.#i was sort of joking but sort of not. seeing that email on top of leaving work early to run home was too much for my brain in that moment.#(i also have not told anyone in that show that it happened. they had no clue what my morning had been like.)#then apparently after i left the show before intermission someone ripped a costume. so saturday i went back to the theater#to sew a patch under the tear to fix it. and do a little more fixes.#then i hung out with my brother and his girlfriend and i crocheted while we watched survivor.#and today i finished up a knitting project i started a while ago (Ranger Cowl) and crocheted more stuff for another show.#and now i'm knitting a hat for my brother that i promised him last winter and put off for a while.#so yeah. yay crafts. yay crafting therapy.#(also don't worry. i didn't find out she was gone via text. my brother called me to say it was imminent. then a text 45min later confirmed.)#(and my family has encouraged me to keep working on my various shows through this since it does help me to have things to do)#(my mom had initially wanted me to stay at work friday morning because otherwise we'd just be sitting around feeling sad. but i left.)#(but my supervisor at work and costume head at the other show who do know told me to not come in tomorrow)
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