#i hate this. im not supposed to cry. ESPECIALLY not in public. this is awful.

[fabulouslygaybean]

crying in public is so fucking embarrassing

[winter-soldier-vibes]

Can I request HSP + depression reader (who thinks they are just weak and being crybaby) x Bucky, please? I understand you are super busy right now and I didn’t mean to rush you or anything but I'm just struggling with both HSP and depression and couldn’t help but send it right now. No need to hurry, just when you are free and maybe when you had nothing to write. Thank you and I love you!

Thank you for the request, I’m sorry it’s been a difficult time for you! I’m here if you need me and I hope that this helps!!! 

It’s called empathy

Bucky x reader

Word count: 1981

Warnings: depression, HSP (highly sensitive person), low self worth, negative self talk, swearing (that’s normal for me but this one’s a little extra), angst (more so internal idk if that needs a warning), fluff/comfort

Taglist: @buckys2thicc @babydaddy-buckybarnes @barnesplums @peggycarter-steverogers @mardema @abitgryffindorky @buckys-blue-eyes @strawberrimae @thatfangirl42 @freigeistundanderes @bucks-bunny @broadwaybabe18 @im-sick-of-failing

Taglist     Masterlist

--------------

Breathe in

Breathe out

In 

Out 

...in…

You felt a tear escape your eyes

Goddamn it

You didn’t want to cry, you couldn’t let yourself. It was stupid, it was just some shitty remark from someone when they were in a shitty mood, it wasn’t your fault, all that bullshit you tried to tell yourself. It never worked.

You were trying to control your breathing, looking up at the ceiling trying to will the tears away, biting your lip. You would not cry, not over this. Not over something that wasn’t worth your tears

Not when you didn’t even know what exactly you were crying over. 

Yet here you were, gripping the edge of the bathroom sink with white knuckles, looking up at the ceiling trying to keep the tears at bay. And it wasn’t working.

Weak sensitive piece of shit. 

What good were you to the team if you cry in the bathroom like a baby every time something remotely stressful happens? People usually cry when they're in pain or when they’re grieving - the only excuse you had was you were stressed or sad. 

You felt another few tears escape and you angrily swiped them away, cursing yourself for being so weak. 

You hated this, you hated yourself. You were so numb most of the time, especially when you were alone. You found yourself alone in your room with racing thoughts feeling like you were falling apart. Yet when you were alone you could only stare at the ceiling wondering if it would get any worse. 

The answer was usually yes.

Whenever you would go on missions with the team, you were able to push aside your stress. You had a job to do and you would do it. But when the mission was over and you were walking back through the rubble - seeing all the blood, destruction, fear - then it would start to get to you. You would panic, you would feel tears cloud your vision. Tears for those you were leaving behind, and those who had nowhere to go, those who lost someone. That was understandable. 

It seemed to affect you more than the others though. It was understandable to be moved by so much destruction. But for you everyone felt like someone you had known and loved. 

You could feel the grief in those left behind, feel the sadness and pain that they were going through. 

The same was true when you weren’t on missions. When those who were on them would come back. Whether they were injured or their eyes were saddened - you knew when a mission was rough. You would listen, you would be there for people. It was easy to talk to you, and you were very wise. 

But it still overwhelmed you. You couldn’t say no, you didn’t want to. You wanted to help but it would be so emotionally taxing for you. So behind closed doors, you would break. Be there for others, listen when they need to talk, others come first - you took their emotional pain onto yourself. 

You were grateful that you could help - but in the process it was hurting you. 

You allowed yourself to feel sad when you were alone in your room. No one could see you be weak in the dark of your room. But you never cried much just from the pure exhaustion of your thoughts. Sometimes you wanted to, just feeling so incredibly empty that you just wanted to have an ugly crying session curled up in bed.

But you didn’t get to make that choice.

The crying wouldn’t come until the absolute worst times. If you had messed up on a mission, if Tony said something a little too harshly because to him everything was a joke, seeing something gruesome on a mission- whenever it came to someone else getting involved, the tears would come. Hell sometimes even being overwhelmed in public would be enough to start the waterworks. 

You always felt so fucking weak for it. The slightest environmental stressor could stress you out too much and move you to tears. You had no reason to be upset most of the time. But you would get angry at yourself for being upset, which would make you more upset that you couldn’t control it, making it harder to control.

It was a vicious cycle.

Lately it had been popping up more and more recently. Smaller things were upsetting you more than usual. You were becoming more sensitive to external stimuli and as a result, you spent as much time as you could in your room. You were embarrassed by yourself. Both by your emotions and by your inability to control them. 

This time you were just upset that you were upset. It had been a long night the day prior, just a lot of paperwork to do. There had been a mission earlier this week that you hadn’t been assigned to, but it had been brutal for everyone who had gone. So far today had been a normal day by anyone’s terms, an emotionally exhausting one for you. One of those where you woke up tired and the thoughts of another day were enough to draw you to tears. Nothing had even happened, but apparently nothing needed to happen. 

Your emotions came and went without your consent. 

You knew deep down it was probably some sort of emotional build up - that whole quote about bottling things up until they got to be too much - it happened every time but you still thought you could handle yourself better than that. You didn’t want to vent or be a problem to anyone. But when you are the emotional support for most of the team and you haven’t been able to get enough sleep or take time for yourself - you didn’t have much of a say as to when the bottle overflows.

A few more tears fell and you slammed your hand on the counter, wiping your tears angrily once more. “God fucking damn it why can’t you just stop fucking crying!” you exclaimed, feeling a few more tears falling “Weak piece of shit!” 

There was knocking on the door, pulling you out of your self deprecating thoughts. You gasped lightly, wiping your face again. 

Knock knock

You jumped a little, gasping slightly. No one was supposed to be here, it was the middle of the night. 

“Y/n? What’s going on in there? Are you alright?”

You took a shaky breath. Of course it would be Bucky who heard you. Why would it be anyone else?

“I’m fine Bucky, it’s late, you should go to sleep.”

“Then why are you still awake?” Bucky responded. You heard him sigh a little outside the door. “Come out here and tell me you’re okay.”

“Really Bucky?”

“Unless you want me to come in there, but I don’t think Stark would appreciate me breaking your door.”

You took a small breath and walked over to the door, opening it. You crossed your arms and met Bucky’s concerned eyes. “I’m fine, Bucky.”

Bucky sighed, taking in your appearance. Red eyes, flushed face, your hair was messy - you were definitely crying. He hated when you wouldn’t admit that you weren’t ok. “You know you don’t have to be, right?”

You clenched your jaw, trying to keep fresh tears from clouding your vision. “What?”

“You say you’re fine, you always say that you’re fine until you break. I heard you crying, I can see that you’re not feeling okay yet still you try to keep a brave face. And I just want you to know that you don’t have to always be okay.”

You let out a breath. “I - i…” you looked down and shook your head, lost for words. 

“Y/n, I’m not here to judge you. Can you try to tell me what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know,” you said looking up at him “It’s literally so stupid, Bucky.”

“Y/n, nothing you say right now is going to sound stupid. 

You shrugged your shoulders, still not quite meeting his eyes. “I don’t know, I just get so worked up sometimes, but it’s stupid. I tell myself I’m not going to be bothered and then I freak out again. The smallest things bother me and I get stressed out and then I cry like some stupid weak bitch. People have it worse than me, God, you have it worse than me. Everyone here has some sort of traumatic awful thing happen to them and then there’s me and I get sad because I see other people sad,” you were crying again and you wiped at your face, covering your eyes. “God Im so fucking stupid I -”

Bucky pulled you into his chest as you let out a sob. “You’re not stupid, y/n.”

“YES I AM. I get worked up over the smallest shit, I don’t listen when people tell me to take breaks, I take everything too personally and I can’t stop fucking crying when I don’t even know what the fuck is wrong!” you exclaimed, trying to push yourself away, ashamed.

Bucky held you tightly, not letting you go. “That’s not your fault. It’s not up to you how your feelings show up.”

“But I cry at the most stupid shit and I can’t control it.”

“You’re not supposed to know how to control it,” he said, pulling back to look at you. “Emotions can’t be controlled. They just happen and it’s rarely convenient.”

“Then why do I feel so weak? If this,” you gestured to yourself “is so goddamn normal then why isn’t everyone else breaking down every other day?” 

Bucky brushed some hair out of your face. “Your emotions are yours, no one else’s. No one has the right to tell you how to feel. Think of it this way - you can’t expect everyone to have the same amount of strength or stamina - no one has the same emotional response either. And that doesn’t make you weak, it makes you you.”

You shook your head. “I just feel so weak all the time.” 

“And I’m here to remind you that crying isn’t weak. You are not a weak person, you are not a bad person, you’re not any of those things your mind tells you. You’re a kind and thoughtful person. You put your heart into everything you do. You help everyone you can. Mourning someone else’s loss isn’t weakness. It’s called empathy.”

You took a small breath. “Then why does it hurt so goddamn much?”

“”I don’t know. And I can’t say for certain that you won’t always feel that way. But I know I can tell you that you aren’t weak, and I’ll be here every time you feel that you are.” 

You nodded your head slightly. “You don’t think I’m weak?” you asked quietly.

He pulled you back into a hug. “Not in the slightest, y/n.”

[emmies-archives]

-Public | Hinata Shoyo- 

fem!reader x sub-timeskip!hinata shoyo 

Warnings: Nsfw, degradation, public sex, masturbation, exhibitionism, voyeurism, punishment, dacryphilia, edging, getting caught, shower sex, implied threesome, 

Summary: Your supposed to pick Hinata up from practice, except he’s made you wait over an hour, and he’s ignored your texts.

WC: 1.7k

A/N: ig im just fuckin thirsty as hell today... also this is unedited bc im lazy, once again, pls ignore typos. 

-Hinata Shoyo-

Light shone into the car with each person that drove by as they left the parking lot you had been sitting in for nearly an hour now. Practice had ended over an hour ago, yet Hinata hadn’t come out of the gym yet.

It was normal for him to run late, but this was getting out of hand. He hadn’t even sent a single text to let you know what was going on.

Reading the last one you sent asking when he was coming out, a sigh left your lips when you noticed. He’d left you on read.

A part of you wanted to leave him at the gym, for him to find his own way back to your shared apartment; but you couldn’t. As badly as he deserved it, you had other plans for him.

This wasn’t the first time Hinata had done this either, sometimes he’d get so caught up in whatever he was doing he’d forget to even check his phone, let alone look at the time. You wanted to cut him some slack, but you had warned him once before.

Glancing at the doors once more, you took a slow breath in. Waiting for him to come out for one more minute. When there was no sign of him still, you turned the car off, heading towards the gym.

Hunting down your boyfriend was the last thing that you wanted to do, you were exhausted already. Your entire day had been draining, and you only wanted to go home and relax. But there you were, pushing the doors open, only to find the gym empty.

“Hello?”

Your voice bounced off the walls, echoing back to you loudly. Looking around, there was nothing showing anyone was still there, except for Hinata’s bag sitting alone across the room.

Just as you were crossing the gym toward the bag he slipped through a door, eyes wide when he noticed you. It took you a second to process that he was in front of you now, you weren’t exactly sure what to say, but you weren’t happy, and he could tell.

“Shoyo.” You narrowed your eyes slightly, crossing your arms over your chest. The simple movement made him drop his eyes as if he were trying to hide from your intense glare.

“Hi, y/n.” His voice was quiet, much quieter than his normal self. Shifting his weight as he spoke, eyes fixed on his bag.

You didn’t say anything else for a moment, not sure if you should even talk. You couldn’t tell if you were more upset at the fact he knew what he did or not. It was one thing to simply forget to send a message, but him purposefully ignoring your texts pissed you off.

“Are you, um.. are you okay?” He asked, slowly looking you in the eyes, a small look of concern sitting on features.

“I think I should be asking you that, Sho.” Tilting your head slightly, you stared at him waiting for him to explain why he took so long.

“I’m okay. I was just about to come meet you.”

That answer made your blood hot, you could barely hold back what you wanted to say in response. Closing your eyes for a moment, you tried calming yourself, even if was only a little.

“Oh, so you did know I was here.” You spoke lowly, holding him in your stare once more. He stiffened when you started walking toward him, eyes wide as your gripped the collar of his shirt, pulling him to look up at you.

“Are you mad-“

“Don’t pretend to be innocent, Sho. I know you read my text I sent nearly an hour ago.” Your lips pulled back into a sneer when he dropped his eyes from yours once more. Letting go of his shirt you took a step back, reading the label on the door from where he came, it was the showers.

Stepping around him he didn’t take his eyes off the floor as you walked to the door and pulled it open.

“Remember what I said last time you did this?” You didn’t even have to say anything else as you stepped into the hallway, he followed behind you quietly. You knew he remembered, but he probably wouldn’t answer on his own.

Hinata usually got quiet when you were upset, not wanting to make anything worse. He really did try to be good; it was just sometimes he got a little distracted.

“I hope none of your teammates are here, Sho, or they’re going to hear you whining like a little bitch soon.” Your voice dripped with the anger you felt, but it was steady, scarily calm.

Once you were in the showers, you spun on your heels slowly. In an instant his back was pressed against the cold tile, a small shiver running down his back as your hot breath fanned over his lips.

He didn’t want to look at you, but for some reason he couldn’t tear his eyes from yours. Even as you swiftly pushed down his gym shorts, a venom-soaked saccharine smile pulling at your lips.

He wasn’t sure what to do, or where to put his hands. Was he allowed to touch you? He probably didn’t deserve it, but he wanted to. Especially as your fingers wrapped around his slowly hardening length.

If the look in your eyes wasn’t on the forefront of his thoughts, he would’ve felt the burn of his cheeks at your touch, and gaze.

“You’re already pretty hard, Sho. What were you thinking about that got you so worked up?” You asked sweetly, the tone of your voice harshly contrasting your actions as you gripped his jaw, pulling him closer to your face. “Answer me.”

“Um, I don’t know, you’re just so… I can’t explain it.”

You nearly laughed at his answer, it was almost pathetic how he couldn’t resist you when he disobeyed you. It was like he did it on purpose, just so he could have you like this.

“You don’t know.. well if that’s the case, why don’t you get yourself off, hm? A little slut like you doesn’t even deserve me to touch them. Not after you made me wait as long as I did.” You leaned closer to him, your hand tightening on his neck as you did. Letting your grip on his cock go, raising an eyebrow as you waited for him to listen to you.

Slowly, after shutting his eyes for a moment, he gripped himself. Stroking his cock loosely, the blush deepening on his cheeks as he did. He hated this, he knew he didn’t deserve it but he wanted it to be your hand, desperately wanted to feel your touch again. He listened though, saying anything back to you would only make it worse.

“Awe, look how cute you are. Is it embarrassing touching yourself in front of me?” He whined softly when you pushed closer to him, barely brushing against his length as he sped up his hand. Trying to mimic your expert movements, how you seemed to always make him melt as you touched him.

It was nothing like how you did it though, nothing close to the pleasure he felt when your pretty fingers were wrapped around his aching cock, pumping him just right. His eyes fluttered shut, not being able to look into yours anymore.

“No, no shutting your eyes. I want you to see me watch you pathetically touch yourself, I thought you could do it better, or am I the only one who can make you feel good like that, hm?” You pulled away from him when he opened his eyes again, watching as he changed his pace slowing down once more. Trying to find something that felt similar to what he was searching for.

Tears of frustration were starting to prick his eyes mixing with the embarrassment pooling in his chest. You weren’t surprised when they spilled over, slipping down his cheeks. The satisfied grin on your face only pushing his embarrassed crying further, needy whines slipping from his throat, but he kept stroking himself. Eyes screwing shut once more as he tried to stop the tears from coming.

You were about to say something else, maybe let him stop when you were interrupted. The loud creaking of the door opening sounded once more, followed by loud heavy footsteps.

Hinata’s eyes flew open, and he looked to you with wide eyes, you only smiled and moved closer to him, enough to shield him if needed.

“Hinata! You in here?” A loud voice called out, and you recognized it almost immediately. Not even giving him a chance to respond, Bokuto stepped around the corner. You moved away from Hinata again, giving Bokuto a clear view of him.

“Hey, Bo.” You smiled at the larger man as if there was nothing going on, his wide eyes flicked between you and Hinata several times, trying hard to not look at the redhead’s hand.

“Y/n, what are you doing in here?” Bokuto’s voice was quiet, nearly a whisper when he asked it.

“Teaching Hinata a lesson. You wouldn’t happen to know why he was here so late, would you?” You asked slowly, raising an eyebrow when Bokuto shook his head rapidly, you definitely didn’t believe him. Especially with the blush that spread across his cheeks. “Hm, well you’re free to stay if you want. I’m sure Hinata wouldn’t mind, would you baby?”

Hinata let out a shaky breath, like he had been holding it in since Bokuto arrived. Forcing himself to look at the tall man, barely meeting his eyes. Shaking his head, he didn’t quite trust his voice yet, not with the obvious tent growing in Bokuto’s shorts.

Seeing Hinata with his head tilted against the tile, tears spilling down his cheeks as he gripped his cock, it was something he thought he’d never see. Bokuto could hardly look at you now, there was an edge in the tone of your voice he’d never heard before, it scared him slightly.

Raking your eyes down Hinata’s form, you shook your head slightly, catching his attention once more.

“I didn’t tell you to stop, Shoyo. Show Bokuto just how much of a slut you are, and maybe I’ll think about touching you myself, okay?”

tags: @bummie @beelziee @bunny-xoxo​ @ultimate-astridwriting

[nurseyydex]

consider this: SMH & one direction

i just wanna talk about smh and 1d ok im so sorry this wasnt supposed to be this long i have no control 

dex grew up with sisters (let me have this he has a bunch of sisters ok) so not only was he completely unable to escape one direction he was not allowed to get away with any sort of ‘bands that have mainly young female fanbases are not real music’ misogyny that lots of teen boys and adult males have 

so he likes 1d he doesnt advertise but he had to listen to them a lot so he knows their entire discography and what they have some good songs ok bro 

so yeah they find their way into his workout playlists so fucking what man they’re fucking hype songs 

his fave is niall bc hes chill and just wants to drink beer and play his guitar and listen to dad rock and he’s irish (dex is irish and is grandma loves niall bc she’s irish and what a sweet young lad) he’s not like die hard niall stan but he knows all of the 1d discourse from his sisters debating (im willing to listen to other opinions my back up is louis bc hes a punk) 

he save up one year (and got help from his fam) to get tickets for his sisters to see a wwa concert as a birthday/christmas/every holiday present bc theyre expensive and they dont have a lot of money 

his mom technically bought the tickets he just helped pay for them and the girls surprised him with a ticket for him to come with (mama poindexter: well i cant let them go alone who’s gonna watch them you have to go make sure they dont get arrested for doing something stupid) dex played it cool but it was such a fun concert and so fun to hang out with his sisters tooo

nursey now is a goddamn hipster u cant tell me he isnt into a bunch of british alternative bands and bc of his brit music phase he knew about one direction from the very start at the x factor stage (he definitely mentions this all the goddamn time when they start becoming popular but he chills out through the years)

hes been to at least one concert for every tour (he even got tickets to the madison square garden show) - he went to every concert with his sister but it was his idea to go and she was just there to keep an eye on him

also a big reason he got into the band was zayn like heres a pakistani muslim boy who’s super talented with these white dudes and that representation is super important (i also hc nursey as muslim or at least partially but zayn is a brown muslim boy killing it so yeah its awesome) 

but nurseys fave tho is harry especially when harry is a total hoe with long hair and jewelry and those red carpet looks like nursey is in love but also in awe bc those sparkly boots and that floral suit like those are iconic Looks™ and nursey loves it bc gender isnt real and he loves hoe looks (zayn is like 1.5 tho bc nursey is in love)

nursey tries to serenade dex with little things one day when they’re chilling by the pond on the grass and dex punches him bc nursey is making him emo even when he knows dex doesnt have emotions (in public in front of people who can see him cry)

bitty likes them they’re no beyonce but theyre fun and attractive and yeah hes gonna have some fun dancing to them he isn’t really up with all the drama and disc*urse until the boys have 1d nights and they watch this is us and the concert dvds bc he learns a lot 

he loves 2013 era harry and all the time liam (that boy is thicc and bitty 100% does not swoon)

holster like come tf on holster loves them he unironically and passionately loves one direction completely unashamed he does not care for your opinions and no one makes fun of him bc he’s a 6′4 fucking big ass hockey player who could drop kick u across campus if he wanted to

he claims he doesnt have a fave but he would die for all of them 

his fave rotates seasonally and he has a different fave for each era 

he went to the tmh tour and he’s gone to every tour since - he goes with his sisters bc its a bonding topic for them he sits at the edge of the floor or at the end of a row on the sides bc hes so tall he feels so bad and he tries to stay out of the way of the little girls behind him but hes nice to them and talks to them and so they like him even if hes a giant

but really he and his sisters are so close bc they have a lot of similar interests and they talk about pop culture stuff and its hard to keep intouch when hes away so much but they have group chats about 1d and tv shows and stuff so its so nice for them to keep up a strong bonding time 

ransom is a britney bitch and holster dragged him into 1d. he’s in it for the memes and the drama really. (he likes the songs and thinks its fun but he wouldnt have been a fan and gone to concerts if it wasnt for holtz)

holster takes him to the wwa concert and they have a blast 

holster also drags his ass to see this is us opening night (they both cry)

chowder just loves everyone and he doesnt understand why people hate 1d (or other pop artists with majority young female fan bases that ppl hate bc misogyny) when theyre so fun he’s not an active /fan/ until smh has team bonding nights involving one direction jam sessions and concert dvd watching and drunk history

on such 1d nights they put on one of the dvds and it accidentally turns into a drinking game (mainly drinking bc this part of my god did u see that !!! THAT NOTE CHANGE !!!! and ZAYN WHY !!!! and other painful parts) and some of them *cough* nursey dex and holster *cough* get possibly the most drunk they ever get bc of this 

theres loud awful drunk singing along and some sobbing (this is definitely not based off of any sort of personal experience whatsoever nope never done this before) 

after the movie when everyone is so drunk they talk about 1d history which is how the veterans teach the others about the exciting drama and disc*urse  

lardo is a bad bitch who is tough as fuck and manages a division I mens hockey team and every single one of them is afraid of her. AND she would not let any bro tease her for liking one direction bc why the fuck not. 

she has plenty of their songs thrown in arting playlists and in pump up playlists 

and she knows theres nothing better to cheer holster up when he’s having a rough day than a 1d dance sesh 

dont forget where you belong is the first song on her team bonding playlist bc its a love song to ur bandmates which transfers very well to love songs to ur teammates 

shitty unapologetically loves 1d and boy bands and girl bands and he supports all things that young girls love but are not taken seriously bc girls like them 

he’s written at least 3 papers/projects on the misogyny surrounding young girls and their interests and involvement in fandom and also boybands (he tries to fight all guys who disrespect girls’ interests and the power of teenage girls)

he’ll randomly show up to a 1d night bc obvi he’s in that gc and he’s ready to party and express emotions and dance and talk drama 

he loves harry bc “THAT FLOW MAN!!! HIS FLOW IS SO SICK!!!”

he cried when harry posted the pic of the hair he chopped off and cried when he saw the another man shoot where harry was defying all sorts of societal norms it was beautiful and his flow is still so nice even this short its ok it’ll grow back better than before

one friday night the lax bros sneak over to try to prank the haus and peak in the window and see half of the hockey team in the living room drunk off their ass singing loudly to a one direction concert on the tv - holster and nursey jumping around attempting to dance along, ransom clinging to bitty on the floor crying about a ‘hiatus’, bitty soothing ransom, dex forgetting about the drink in his one hand to drink rum from the bottle, shitty naked (not surprising) and slow dancing with a life sized cut-out of harry styles with tears streaming down his face (more surprising), and chowder lying on the couch singing through mouthfuls of pie 

they walk back to the lax bro house without executing the prank and they never mention it again

[former-cannibal-3]

idk im not feeling too great rn, but i'll try not to whine too much okay

lack of motivation and lack of energy both suck ass, and ive been reminded of the unfortunate reality that the bras i own are broken and trying to stab me (the unfortunate circumstances of developing large breasts also means that i cant just pick up a $20 bra at target, the only things that actually HELP are $90+ im screaming for real okay i cannot fucking WAIT to be rid of these things that burden my body and mind and if i wouldnt bleed out i would cut them off myself) and all but one pair of pants i own are old, have holes in them, or i can’t bike in so whats the point (i went to go get pants and couldnt find any that fit me in my price range so i got shorts instead t the time, but now im afraid of wearing them because my stockings are also ripped and old and i cant have my gross legs seen by the public, i know shocking a+ reason to not go outside lmao). my mouth is increasingly awful to deal with, i cant sleep without waking up to pain, i cant fucking eat most things anymore cuz i cant fucking chew properly... my mask broke yesterday, did some temporary stitching so i could go out still but the breaking seems almost like a sign and another burden on me regarding the discomfort of idk being alive i guess lmao.

in other words, discomfort about how i look keeps me from wanting to leave the house, and i feel myself wanting to isolate away from my friends more and more lately. it’s kinda shitty since i was invited somewhere and also was/am supposed to go dye a friends hair today. and in the vaguest way possible i wish i could tell them i was not really feeling up to going out, and not really willing to be a factor in someone’s hair color (and now my BF wants me to keep up with his too and just aaa), i am not qualified and every single time i do this i get more and more upset about it.

i can do nothing for others without feeling like i have screwed up and i hate the feeling and want nothing to do with it anymore, but what the fuck am i supposed to say to my friends? no?

who the fuck says no to anyone???

see this is exactly why i hate myself right now.

please dont take this the wrong way. 

im exhausted. i hate being alive right now. im sure i’ll be okay but like... idk. it comes in waves or something. waves of isolation and exhaustion and discomfort with like everything but especially myself and the state of being something physical and existing in flesh rather than as some nebulous fog of consciousness and experience, okay strike that i would rather not have any experiences anymore anyway. all i wanna do is float in a void and sleep, maybe wake up to do something enjoyable like sdvx or something.

you know life’s got you fucked up when the reasons you can think of to stay alive and make an effort in bothering to keep yourself fed, showered and rested boil down to essentially rhythm games and fictional characters lmao. even with real people who i have lasting relationships with are something i cant handle right now, i need to isolate myself and be alone for like a year i stfg.

but i have obligations to continue working, or rather drawing. i need money if im gonna fix any of the issues i have with myself and HOPEFULLY i’ll feel better. maybe some day i’ll feel good enough to do things out of the house with people. maybe some day i’ll feel good enough that i wont reel away from physical contact. maybe some day i’ll feel good enough that i wont feel like im snubbing my bf when i refuse contact. maybe some day i’ll feel good enough that i wont cry in response to contact in the first place.