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#i hated coloring this but you have to understand how important the colors were to the comedy of it
spacerockband · 1 year
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i voted for reigen
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ive said this before but so much of what Retvrn Freaks glorify in early modern european art are just components inherent to the mediums being used at the time as opposed to like. an example of heightened skill that has been supposedly Lost in these degenerate times.... oil paint just looks like that. its very tonal and rich and even an artist with mediocre rendering skills will have their rendering skills improved by painting in oil. old oil paintings took years to complete not because the artists doing them were very skilled but because oil takes months to dry and they built up subtle washes over dried paint. tracing was also commonly utilized during that time period, and artists also often had small armies of apprentices who would do the hard work for them with no credit. these huge highly tonal oil paintings become significantly less impressive when you actually learn about their context.
#this isnt to like. diss or hate on oil painters or even all art made in europe during that time period#there are lots of great artists from that time period#but i also dont think that sort of art is more valuable than any other artistic movement#and i think posing these two very culturally european mediums as like the Pinnacle of art is stupid#another issue which isnt really to do with what im talking about here is like cultural ideals surrounding art...#if youre educated in a western tradition youre sort of encouraged to idolize realism and its associated artistic skills#eg: (anatomical accuracy - rendering skills - perspective)#and then favor mediums which lend better to those ideals. and then when you look at art from other cultural traditions#where the focus may have been on something different like color or symbol or narrative over realism you sort of see them as “lesser”#or theres the assumption that the artists who made those pieces were worse at art or unable to make highly realistic pieces#which is of course nonsense and also often racist (eg. colonizers in west africa assuming there must have been a greek colony#there because they found realistic statues and couldnt understand how people who currently made more stylized art could have made them)#but you even see this in popular assumption about european art pre-enlightenment too#like all those memes making fun of medieval manuscript faces. they drew like that because the narrative was more important than the realism#because the artists drawing them were basically illustrating bible stories#medium at hand also has a big hand to play here. art made for woodcut is gonna look different to art made for fabric#and oil paints arent uniquely european but they arent as widespread as clay or textile
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the-returnofartemis · 4 months
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/ASTRO OBSERVATION 1/
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i'm excited to share my first astro observation! i'm still new to all of this but i’ve picked up on some things that i feel compelled to share. however, i do want to emphasize that my thoughts may not apply to everyone.
okay, so i recently remembered that as an INFJ, we are considered to be the rarest personality type. this got me thinking and i realized that most INFJ’s are either water dominant (cancer/scorpio/pisces), possess fixed sign placements (leo/scorpio/aquarius/taurus) in prominent planets or have prominent water houses (4H,8H,12H) in their big six. coincidentally, i happen to know to other people who are also INFJ’s, and we all have prominent cancer, scorpio and aquarius placements. 
✧ j-hope from bts is a well-known INFJ. although the accuracy of his birth chart is uncertain because there is no actual birth time, it revealed intriguing aspects. i mean, hobi’s chart indicates prominent water placements (scorpio and pisces stellium), alongside his aquarius sun!
yes, it is interesting to observe how neptune in the first house has a unique ability to draw in copycats but those with this placement were once copycats as well lmao.
‘the copycat becoming the one being copied’ trope is quite funny to witness actually
this behavior may stem from their struggle with their personal identity and appearance, leading them to shape-shift into the aesthetic or persona of someone they admire in that moment (this tendency is very short-lived by the way lmao). rather than taking the time to define their authenticity and discover their true selves, they find it easier to adopt the persona of another individual. sometimes, they rely so heavy and get caught up on external influences, that they lose the plot SO fast. but as individuals with this placement mature and come into their own, they come to understand that it’s fine to draw inspiration from others but recognize the importance of embracing their unique qualities and traits. it is this self-acceptance that allows them to become pioneers and set remarkable trends. 
✧ ariana grande: y’all can never make me hate her, i am so sorry lmao but of course, there is no denying that she has faced many accusations of being a ‘mariah carey copycat’ but it is important to acknowledge that she has now cultivated her own distinct singing style that has garnered widespread acclaim and popularity. in all honesty, she has become the epitome of having copycats, even to this day lmao. the sheer number of women/fans/people in general imitating her, from her hair to her fashion sense to her mannerisms, is just WOW. like, the way how she has garnered immense adoration needs to be studied (i mean not really because her scoprio midheaven + neptune 1H undoubtedly contribute to her appeal but still!) 
✧ kim kardashian + kylie jenner: when it comes to these two, there's not much that needs to be said lmao like their influence and presence in media speak for themselves. they have managed to create a significant impact, and it’s hard to ignore but let’s remember their roots and who they took their influence from.
✧ megan fox: she’s taken on MGK’s entire aesthetic. she has embraced his style and persona, and it’s interesting to see how it has influenced her own image, considering the fact that she is THE megan fox. even now, the timeless looks that she gave us in the late 00's are still being imitated!
in reference to my previous point, on astrology twitter, jade mentioned an interesting perspective that i completely agree with and feel compelled to share with all of you: having 12H placements can lead to losing the plot SO fast, so it’s crucial to be mindful. although the 12H is widely regarded as the most intuitive, spiritual, and governing the subconscious, it also represents the potential for self-sabotage and lose one’s sense of self. the influence of neptune, the ruler of the 12H, can create a distorted illusion and a tendency to view circumstances through rose-colored glasses. so, 12H placements, it’s essential to always stay grounded, and more importantly, maintain a strong sense of self to avoid losing sight of the goals and aspirations!
✧ an example of this is a 12H sun becoming egotistical and subsequently losing sight of their goals and aspirations, ultimately hindering their progress in life. 
(get well soon by ariana grande just came on and i dedicate this beautiful song to all, but more importantly to those with 12H placements. remember that you are strong and capable of overcoming any challenges that comes your way – you can conquer anything. stay positive and always take care of yourself. you got this! — sincerely, a fellow 12H 🫂) 
scorpio/8H moons are often labeled as “mysterious” due to their tendency to keep their emotions hidden from others on a daily basis. in truth, they rarely feel comfortable expressing their feelings, even to those they trust, as they fear burdening others. this tendency may have developed during their childhood, where they may have not felt safe or at ease in sharing their emotions, leading them to learn how to control and suppress them. however, if you manage to break through the walls of a scorpio/8H moon and they confide in you, it is significant sign that they felt truly seen and understood by you. this can lead to a strong desire to be in company of that person, as their energy provides a sense of comfort and less isolated. so, if you have a scorpio/8H moon in your life, they value you and treasure the connection you share. 
the infamous 22nd degree, commonly referred to as the “to kill or be killed” degree, is often associated with rare and extreme circumstances. being a capricorn degree, it genuinely has a favorable influence, especially in terms of one’s professional life. but, individuals with this degree in their chart may encounter ongoing challenges and be vulnerable to gaslighting. overcoming these challenges serves as a constant reminder to nurture their self-awareness and resilience.  
✧ example a: according to her birth chart, beyonce is believed to have three planets (neptune, pluto and chiron) positioned in this degree. in her latest film, “renaissance: a film by beyonce,” she courageously shares all the moments that highlight the constant challenges from those around, particularly her production team, who questioned her credibility and knowledge – she expressed that she always had to prove herself and felt undervalued in terms of her opinions.
i also just want to say that bey became artist that she is today by perfecting and learning every aspect of her craft throughout her extensive career. she has taught herself everything there is to know about showmanship, and to discredit her knowledge, especially to her face, is just crazy to me. her success is a testament to her hard work, dedication, and talent and she deserves all the recognition she has received.
✧ example b: chlöe (chloexhalle) has the degree on her lilith. unfortunately, chloe has faced relentless scrutiny and gaslighting since she entered the public eye. the placement of the degree on her lillth has made her a target for heavy negative judgement and projection, particularly in regard to her expression of her sexuality and individuality.  
i mean it when i say that it is truly remarkable to witness her immense talent and undeniable beauty, along with her incredible kindness. i honestly feel like the public wants to keep her in a box, hindering her from fully blossoming into the person she aspires to be. she needs that space and freedom to embrace her own journey of self-discovery and personal growth.
✧ example c: jungkook from bts has the degree on his sidereal venus – the degree on his venus suggests he might face challenges related to low self-esteem and lack of confidence in his own attractiveness. also, this placement can also indicate that he may experience situations were power dynamics within his relationships come into play. while details about his personal relationships are scarce, as they rightfully should be, it is evident that he faces an alarming level of compromise to his safety due to the actions of obsessive fans and stalkers. the behavior exhibited towards him, like, being mobbed at airports or these fans intruding his personal space by sending food to his house and even going as far as issuing death threats. as a relatively new fan, i can sense that this issue is more serious for him compared to other members. these fans seem to lack an understanding of personal boundaries and persistently push the limits, even after he has politely requested their respect, which is truly disheartening. 
it's quite likely that jimin and namjoon (other members of bts), also have this degree, given the challenging circumstances they have encountered and continue to face. 
i also learned that this degree can also symbolize power and the ability to have immense influence over others. those who possess this degree in their natal chart often hold positions of power and occupy the highest echelons of the social structure (hence the name, ‘to kill or be killed’). this degree is found in numerous royals, politicians, and highly influential celebrities natal charts: justin bieber, donald trump, kendall + kylie jenner, kim kardashian, barack obama, the british royals and more. here is a post that delves deeper into the theory behind the placement!
gemini placements 🤝 wearing different hats (exploring various interests). they cannot for the life of them confine themselves to a single pursuit, as it tends to become monotonous for them. this may seem unpredictable to others, but, for gemini's, it is a way of truly embracing life and ensuring that they savor every aspect of it, just as they should! 🤭
also, the gemini venus slander in the astro community is so ????? like, yes, an undeveloped gemini venus may struggle with indecisiveness and inconsistency, but it is important to know that a well-developed one can be an incredible partner and asset in a relationship. developed gemini venus partners are known for their unwavering commitment to nurturing a strong bond in their relationships. they will consistently strive to contribute in every way possible to ensure a lasting connection, thanks to the influence of their sidereal taurus venus (may not always be the case though). they value stability and security, and above all, understand the importance of forming meaningful relationships, especially when they feel like they share a profound intellectual bond with their partner – like, they would not take it for granted because they know that not everyone has the capacity or desire to engage with them in that way lmao. they will be there for you until they are convinced, based on their rational thinking (which also depends on the influence of other placements), that they have thoroughly explored every option and exhausted all potential outcomes. even then, it may take them some time to reach that conclusion because they will need to make sense of it all, so, they will make a point to have conversations with their partner to ensure mutual understanding before moving forward. building a strong and fulfilling relationship requires dedication, and a devoted gemini venus will their offer support in all aspects – whether it be physically, emotionally, or notably, mentally. honestly, they will go the extra mile to ensure that they’ll do right by their partner!  so, i beg, please, love us! 😪 lmao – sincerely, a gemini venus  
 also, a gemini venus + strong water placements (house/sign, especially in cancer/scorpio) … oh baby, just sit down and make yourself comfortable because you not leaving until there is a deep understanding of both the emotional and intellectual aspects 😭
the 3H, 6H, 10H and 11H are known as the GROWTH houses, where continuous effort is required to achieve meaningful outcomes.
3H → one must acquire skills, engage in learning and exploration, and find avenues to express the knowledge gained
6H → the importance of daily practice and consistent work on said acquired skills
when these houses are in alignment, they pave the way for recognition in 10H and 11H.
10H → gaining recognition
11H → benefits and influence that comes from being recognized
by pouring constant dedication into these houses, one can expect significant growth and positive outcomes!
jupiter aspecting ascendant/sagittarius rising/jupiter in 1H 🤝 bootylicious + hourglass curves! this can also manifest in having bigger than “average” features (example: big eyes, big smile, prominent thighs).
the “BODY SO TEA” phrase was literally made them lmao
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capricorn moons often tend to be the ones who frequently disappear without a trace. they carry a heavy burden of responsibility for all aspects of their life, and often possess a strong desire for control. when faced with a situation beyond their control, they can become overwhelmed with anxiety and allow their fears to take over, resulting in the ghosting. also, i noticed that they find it challenging to find any glimmer of hope in any given circumstance. even though it is widely believed that having the moon in scorpio is the most difficult, capricorn moons may have them beat. 
moon in 8H synastry is not for the weak—it is truly life changing. for this overlay to work, both individuals must have developed the ability to harness and channel powerful energy. without this, the relationship can feel unstable and unpredictable, with both individuals feeling like they're being pulled in different directions but haunted in love, in the best and worst way possible. it is worth noting that this overlay tends to have a strong impact on both individuals involved but it primarily affects the moon person.
✧ positive aspects: creates a deep emotional and psychological connection that allows both partners to truly understand connect with each on a profound level. this bond is so intense that it defies words and creates the desire to explore and uncover the depths of each other’s being. for instance, the 8H individual may possess an innate inclination to understand the moon and their innermost self, initially overwhelming the moon but ultimately embracing because of the sense of comfort provided by the 8H energy. this mutual willingness to explore and understand each other nurtures trust, openness and above all, an indescribable love within the relationship.
✧ negative aspects: gaslighting and power imbalance. the desire for control can create an unhealthy dynamic where both are constantly vying for power, leading to a breakdown of trust and emotional well-being. can also lead to being possessive toward one another that will result in the individuals feeling trapped. the possessiveness can stem from a deep sense of longing for each other, which will only further perpetuate the cycle of unhealthy dynamic (lovers to enemies trope + make up/break up). 
one comparison that comes to mind is the tumultuous relationship between olivia pope and fitz in scandal. if you’re unfamiliar with these two, i recommend checking them out on tiktok (despite their toxic tendencies, their relationship was a guilty pleasure for the viewers because of the intensity and undying love they had for one another. like, i don’t know anyone who watched the show that wasn’t a fan of olitz lmao) 
i also had this overlay with a former partner, and my goodness, was it something. he was the only partner i’ve had who could evoke such intense emotions in me and i found myself completely vulnerable to his touch (in a good way). the chemistry was so powerful, i really believed he was the one for me. but like i mentioned, as with any intense relationship, there were both positive and negative aspects to the connection. while the positive side was truly otherworldly, the negative ultimately won out and caused the relationship to come crashing down. i plan to delve deeper into this experience and share the do’s and dont’s of this synastry in a future post.
understanding astrology can be a valuable tool in gaining insight into your true self. to get a sense of the practice, i feel like it is essential or to at least explore “traditional” western (tropical + sidereal) and vedic astrology. each chart offers a unique perspective on your personality and life path, and by studying them, you can gain a more comprehensive understanding of your place in the world!
i have so much more to share but i’ll save that for another post. please remember that this only for entertainment purposes only and based on my observations! i’ve also linked the findings in case you want to read for yourselves. thank you so much for reading!
sending all my love, 
artemis x
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theminecraftbee · 4 months
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actually while i’m on an analysis and also bigb train i want to talk a little about the bigb/cleo relationship because. it’s VERY EASY to just read it as “bigb betrayed cleo that one time three seasons ago and cleo has never forgiven him for this” but there’s way more to it than that and it’s so fascinating i want to shake them around like maracas.
like, okay, the initial betrayal is as much a failure to communicate as it is an actual betrayal. cleo says that if bigb had just TOLD HER she would have let him, and I believe this (loyalty is an extremely consistent cleo trait). however JUST EARLIER THAT SESSION she’d also been talking about how she wouldn’t trust someone with the boogeyman curse and can’t believe someone would betray their allies. bigb heard that, decided he couldn’t tell cleo (because she’d hate him for it), and panicked himself right into a corner where he ended up doing the thing that was WAY WORSE for that relationship. also left out is that part of why cleo got that mad wasn’t even bigb’s fault; she was ALSO mad because lizzie and ren sided with him over her, and she felt betrayed by everyone at once. which she then pinned on bigb. meanwhile, while bigb apologized, he never let go of the idea that he'd had no other choice, and never really addressed the unstated hurt of 'cleo also felt like her friends had been turned against her', so it never rang as sincere to cleo. so like, more going on there than just a betrayal!
but like, let’s talk about their relationship after that, shall we?
on cleo’s end, she’s a character who tends to hold on to relationships across seasons, for better and for worse. the widow’s alliance basically never ending; martyn and cleo and their inability to be normal about each other; cleo and etho’s quiet understanding; and, as one of these important tentpoles, bigb and cleo being unable to trust each other. she carried that hurt with her into the few interactions they had in double life, and that in turn helped to color everything else. see, cleo doesn't just hold on to relationships; she holds grudges, and bigb is the ultimate target of that. unlike some of her potential grudges, she's never had a scenario where she and bigb were on the same side in order to temper the grudge. she's also never gotten the boogey curse herself, making it even harder for her to temper it and understand.
so, even after things like limited life where she's started to be less Immediately Angry the moment she feels betrayed (thank you scar for being kind of a moron and getting cleo that lesson), she still holds on to the last life version of bigb in her head. also, because of that, it makes it easy for her to just... continue perpetuating that. she shuns bigb and assumes he has some reason she needs revenge again. that, in turn, pushes bigb to doing another thing she needs revenge for, so she tries to get it, so they keep spiraling downwards in a cycle of mistrust, because cleo has also made herself untrustworthy to bigb.
meanwhile, on bigb's end... he tried to apologize and she wouldn't take it! she sees all of this as an irrational grudge on cleo's part, and there's been very little to discount that. but also because bigb has a tendency to go off and do his own thing and hold himself apart from people, he has made very little effort to meaningfully fix this. in fact, because he assumes cleo will continue to hold a grudge, he continues to treat her a bit like an enemy, continuing to provoke her at multiple opportunities.
he can't make that relationship WORSE, after all, so there's no reason NOT TO continue to mess with her. she'll never trust him, so there aren't real consequences if he keeps burning her, because the only consequence is that she'll just continue to never trust him, right? it's a simple relationship! and in some ways it's comforting, even; cleo is someone he can never mess up with, because that bridge is already burnt.
and ironically? this makes their relationship surprisingly stable. they will KEEP ON sticking knives in each other, of course. even when they don't have a good reason for it, cleo will assume bigb must have done something and bigb will assume cleo will hate him anyway. but in turn, i think they VERY MUCH know where they stand with each other. and tragically, that means neither of them have an incentive to try to fix this. they're both very, very entrenched in how they see each other now, and either of them will see any attempted olive branches as another place for everything to go wrong. they're cleo and bigb, who don't trust each other because bigb killed her one time, forever. that's who they are. that's how they see each other. and it's not just because that happened; it's because they keep reinforcing it, over and over and over again, in a way that makes communicating that they could stop nearly impossible.
that and i think cc!bigb and cc!cleo out of character really enjoy continuing to have their cubitos have a stupid irrational grudge on each other because they think it's funny but that's unrelated to the character analysis,
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letters-to-lgbt-kids · 4 months
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My dear lgbt+ kids, 
An underrated health and wellbeing tool is play. 
When you think about playing, you may immediately picture little children - but by definition, play describes “any activity engaged in purely for enjoyment and recreation with no definite practical purpose” and those activities stay important throughout your whole life. 
Why are those activities important? 
Play is good for your body. Intentionally doing something just for fun helps to activate the “rest and digest” mode that is necessary to recover and heal from stress. It signals that you’re safe and helps your body relieve tension. 
It’s also good for your brain. It can stimulate your imagination, visualization and critical thinking skills, which can help you build skills like resilience and adaptability. 
Play can also foster empathy and understanding of others as it can help you see things from another’s perspective. 
Playing can make you laugh, and laughter comes with a whole sleeve of health benefits, such as decreasing blood pressure and even improving your immune system! 
Playing together can strengthen relationships. Positive, fun social interactions are important for your emotional wellbeing. 
Now some of you may think “that’s all nice, but how do I even play as an adult?”. While play is a natural behavior of human beings, many adults need to re-learn how to play - it depends on your specific environment and social circles but you may feel a lot of pressure to be productive all the time and play is by its very nature not productive. So, the first step in re-learning play is to give yourself permission to just *be* instead of *do* (and that can be a huge step!). 
Some ideas on how to ease back into play: 
Think about your childhood. (Or if you can, ask a parent, sibling or childhood friend, that can be a great way to bring back memories!) What were your favorite ways to play back then? What did you love about your favorite game? Does any particular memory immediately give you that “I wish I could do that again” feeling? (You may not necessarily find anything that you want to just replicate as an adult as-is, this is just meant to kick-start your imagination!) 
Gameify everyday tasks. Try to spot as many yellow items as possible on your commute to work. Make up a silly song about laundry while putting away the laundry. Pretend to be on a cooking show while making dinner. Do what you always do, just allow yourself to be silly about it! 
Do something creative, even (and especially) if you’re not good at it. You may not think of drawing, writing etc. as playing but those are activities you can do for pure entertainment! 
Moving your body doesn’t need to be purposeful exercise (and certainly not hating yourself in the gym), it can also be playtime: Do a silly little dance to your favorite song! Tippytoe, crawl, jump, walk backward.. from your bedroom to the kitchen, just for the fun of it! 
Rethink toys. While it is fully okay for a grownup to buy, own and play with toys, and we should abolish the negative stereotypes about it (it’s creepy, it’s inherently a sign of poor mental health etc.) these stereotypes do exist and you may simply not feel comfortable. Luckily, there are a few toys that are generally considered socially acceptable for adults or are even marketed towards adults, such as board games, stress balls, adult coloring books, certain Lego sets or fan/collectors toys (like action figures). And when there are no judgy eyes watching, you may also have fun just playing with household items such as cardboard rolls! No need to go out and buy something! 
Keep in mind that play isn’t a competition to win. You can’t play wrong - that’s the beauty of it! Just let your curiosity and enthusiasm guide you. 
With all my love, 
Your Tumblr Dad 
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lecsainz · 10 months
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Hey sweetie! Can I request something about prom proposal with Ollie Bearman?
I don't wanna dance if I'm not dancing with you
pairings: ollie bearman x fem!gf!reader
summary: ollie does everything to invite you to prom in person and be able to go to prom with you.
authors note: I don't know if this is how you wanted it, but I thought and thought about how to make a prom proposal and nothing came to mind. I hope you like it 🙃
word count: 2.2K
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Late one evening, as Ollie sat in his hotel room, his phone buzzed with an incoming call. He picked it up to see Y/N's name flashing on the screen. With a smile, he answered the call, knowing that their conversations were always filled with excitement and joy.
"Hey, babe!" Y/N's voice bubbled with enthusiasm. "Guess what? I just bought the most amazing prom dress! It's this stunning gown that I know you'll love."
Ollie chuckled, grateful for the distraction from his racing worries. "That's fantastic, Y/N! I'm sure you'll look absolutely beautiful in it."
Y/N's excitement didn't wane. "And you know what else? I helped your mom pick out a matching tie for you! It perfectly complements the color of my dress. We'll be the most stylish couple at prom!"
Ollie's heart sank a little at her words. He knew he had to be honest with her. "Y/N, there's something I need to tell you," he began, his voice tinged with regret. "I have a testing session with the Prema team on the same day as the prom," he confessed, his voice tinged with disappointment. "I won't be able to make it."
Y/N's voice held a mix of sadness and understanding. "Ollie, I know how important racing is to you. It's your dream. I don't want you to give up on that just for me. If you have to go for the testing session, then go. I'll be okay."
Touched by her words, Ollie felt a pang of guilt. He wished he could be in two places at once, but his dedication to his racing career left him with a difficult choice.
"Y/N, I want you to enjoy your prom. It's a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and you deserve to have an amazing time," Ollie said, his voice filled with sincerity. "Maybe you could go with someone else, a close friend, so you won't have to miss out on the fun."
There was a long pause before Y/N replied, her voice soft but resolute. "Ollie, prom is not about just going with anyone. It's about creating memories with the person you love. And that person, for me, is you." Tears welled up in Y/N's eyes, but she shook her head defiantly. "Ollie, I don't wanna dance if I'm not dancing with you. It just wouldn't be the same."
Ollie felt a pang of guilt wash over him. He hated seeing Y/N upset, especially when it was because of his racing commitments. He knew he had to find a way to make it right, to be there for her on their special night.
With determination in his eyes, Ollie made a silent promise to himself. He would find a way to attend the prom and surprise Y/N, no matter the obstacles that stood in his path.
Over the next few days, Ollie worked tirelessly, speaking with his team and exploring every possible option. And finally, a glimmer of hope appeared. A solution presented itself, and Ollie seized the opportunity.
Ollie felt a mixture of nervousness and excitement as he stepped off the plane and into the airport terminal. His parents had been instrumental in helping him make this surprise visit to Y/N, despite the late hour. They had understood the depth of his love for her and the significance of being there for the prom.
As he made his way through customs, Ollie's parents greeted him with warm smiles and open arms. They had always been supportive of his racing career and understood the importance of love and relationships in his life.
"Son, we're so proud of you," his father said, placing a hand on Ollie's shoulder. "We know how much Y/N means to you, and we wanted to help make this surprise happen."
Ollie's mother added with a twinkle in her eye, "Oliver, you're lucky to have found someone who brings out the best in you."
As they drove through the quiet streets in the early hours of the morning, Ollie's anticipation grew. The love and support of his parents warmed his heart, and he couldn't wait to see the look of surprise and joy on Y/N's face.
He quietly entered the house, tiptoeing up the stairs to his bedroom. With a mix of excitement and relief, he reached for his phone and dialed Y/N's number. The phone rang, and he held his breath, hoping she would pick up.
"Hello?" she mumbled, her voice laced with sleep.
"Hey love," Ollie said, his voice filled with anticipation. "Could you do me a favor? Can you open your bedroom window?"
Confusion tinged Y/N's voice as she responded, "It's the middle of the night, Ollie. What's going on?"
"Just trust me, Y/N," Ollie said, his voice filled with anticipation. "Just look, please."
Curiosity piqued, Y/N dragged herself out of bed and walked to her bedroom window. She slowly pulled back the curtains, her eyes widening in disbelief as she saw Ollie standing in his own bedroom, gazing back at her.
A gasp escaped Y/N's lips, and she clutched her chest, unable to believe her eyes. "Ollie? Is that really you?"
Ollie smiled and nodded, his heart pounding with excitement. "Yes, it's me."
With a deep breath, Ollie mustered all his courage and poured his heart out. "Y/N, you mean everything to me. I can't imagine going to the prom with anyone else. Will you do me the honor of being my date? Will you go to the prom with me?" he asked, holding up a series of handwritten paper, with the word "PROM?" in a style reminiscent of the You Belong with Me music video.
Y/N's eyes filled with tears of joy as she read the message. Her heart swelled with love, and a radiant smile spread across her face. She nodded vigorously, unable to find her voice.
"Yes, Ollie!" she finally exclaimed, her voice filled with happiness. "A thousand times, yes!"
his face broke into a wide smile, relief and joy washing over him. He couldn't believe he had pulled off the surprise, and seeing Y/N's happiness made every effort worthwhile.
Y/N's voice filled with anticipation as she made a request. "Ollie, can you come down to the backyard? I want to be closer to you."
Ollie's heart skipped a beat at her suggestion. Without hesitation, he agreed. "Of course, Y/N. Give me a moment, I'll be right there."
He swiftly made his way downstairs, phone still in hand, and stepped into the cool night air. The moon cast a soft glow on the familiar surroundings as he walked towards the shared fence that separated their backyards.
With each step, the connection between them felt stronger, their voices still intertwined through the phone. Ollie's heart raced with excitement, knowing that he was about to see Y/N in person, even if it was just a few feet away.
As he reached the fence, he looked up and there she was, standing on the other side, a radiant smile adorning her face. Their eyes locked, and in that moment, it felt as though time stood still.
Without a moment's hesitation, she ran towards Ollie, leaping into his arms and wrapping her legs around his waist. Ollie caught her, a mixture of surprise and delight evident on his face.
She cupped Ollie's face in her hands, looking deeply into his eyes. And then, with all the love in her heart, she kissed him passionately, pouring all her emotions into that single moment.
Breathless, they pulled away, their foreheads resting against each other. Y/N's eyes glistened with tears of joy and disbelief. "I can't believe you're here." she whispered, her voice filled with awe and overwhelming love
Ollie couldn't help but smile, his eyes reflecting the depth of his devotion. "Nothing could keep me away from you, Y/N," he murmured, his voice laced with sincerity. "I would move mountains, cross oceans, and defy all odds just to be with you."
He gently placed her back on the ground, their hands intertwined, never wanting to let go. Y/N's heart swelled with gratitude and affection, knowing that Ollie had gone to such extraordinary lengths to make her dreams come true.
Ollie carefully took out the corsage he had prepared and gently placed it on Y/N's wrist. The delicate flowers and handwritten notes intertwined, symbolizing the moments and thoughts they had shared while being apart. Y/N's eyes sparkled with curiosity as she noticed the tiny notes attached to the corsage.
"What are these, Ollie?" she asked, her voice filled with wonder.
Ollie took a deep breath, his voice filled with warmth and affection. "Every time we were apart, every race I competed in, I wrote a little note for you. They were my way of staying connected to you, of reminding myself of your love and support. Each note represents a moment I thought of you and carried your presence with me."
Tears welled up in Y/N's eyes as she gently untied one of the notes and read its contents. It was a heartfelt message expressing Ollie's love and admiration for her. She was overwhelmed by the depth of his affection and the effort he had put into expressing it.
"Ollie, this is so incredibly sweet," she whispered, her voice filled with emotion. "I never knew you were doing this. It means the world to me, knowing that you carried me in your heart every step of the way."
Before they could delve deeper into their heartfelt conversation, the sound of footsteps approached. Y/N's father, having been awakened by their presence outside the house, stepped onto the porch with a mix of surprise and joy on his face.
"Well, well, what do we have here?" he chuckled, seeing Ollie standing with his daughter. "Ollie, my boy, I didn't expect to see you here tonight. Shouldn't you be in another country?"
Ollie's eyes widened, his surprise evident. He had known Y/N's father for a while, but this unexpected encounter left him momentarily speechless. However, Y/N's father quickly reassured him with a warm smile.
"Don't worry, Ollie. I'm thrilled to see you here," he said, patting Ollie on the back. "You're always welcome in our home. Why don't you both come inside and get some rest? It's been quite a night."
Y/N's face beamed with gratitude, her hand intertwined with Ollie's. "Thank you, Dad. We'll take you up on that offer."
As they entered the house together, hand in hand, Ollie couldn't help but feel a sense of belonging and acceptance. Y/N's father's warm welcome reassured him that their love was supported by those who cared about them.
Inside the house, the warmth of Y/N's family enveloped them. Y/N's father, with a playful glint in his eye, turned to Ollie, feigning annoyance.
"Alright, you two lovebirds," he chuckled. "I'll let you off the hook this time, but remember, no funny business under my roof. Ollie, you're sleeping in the living room tonight."
Ollie grinned sheepishly, knowing Y/N's father was just being his protective, caring self. "Yes, sir," he replied, trying to suppress his laughter. "I promise, no funny business."
Y/N's father then added with a wink, "And don't think I won't be checking in on you."
They all shared a good-natured laugh, feeling the warmth of their shared connection. Y/N's father embraced Ollie like a son, and Ollie knew he was lucky to have such a loving and accepting family in his life.
As the night wore on, Ollie settled into the living room, feeling grateful for the opportunity to spend time with Y/N.
Y/N, unable to resist the desire to be close to Ollie, sat beside him on the couch. Ollie pulled her close, his arms wrapping protectively around her. They both sighed contentedly, relishing in the comfort of their embrace.
"I've missed spending nights like this with you," Ollie confessed, his voice filled with sincerity. "Being able to hold you, to feel your presence next to me, it's something I long for when we're apart."
Y/N's heart swelled with love, her fingers gently tracing patterns on Ollie's chest. "I've missed it too, Ollie. There's nothing quite like falling asleep in your arms. It feels like home."
As Ollie felt the gentle rise and fall of Y/N's breath against his chest, he couldn't help but smile. Her peaceful sleep in his arms filled his heart with love and gratitude. He brushed a strand of hair away from her face, caressing her cheek with his fingertips.
As the night deepened, Ollie leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on Y/N's forehead, his heart overflowing with love and gratitude. The soft touch of his lips against her skin conveyed a multitude of emotions that words alone could not express.
He whispered once again, his voice barely audible in the quiet room, “I love you, Y/N.” his words filled with tenderness and devotion. It was a declaration meant for her, a reminder of the depth of his feelings and the unwavering commitment he had for her.
Y/N stirred slightly in her sleep, sensing his affectionate gesture. A peaceful smile curved her lips as she snuggled closer to Ollie, finding solace in his embrace.
With a contented sigh, Ollie closed his eyes, cherishing the moment of pure serenity. In that intimate space, he felt an overwhelming sense of peace and happiness, knowing that he was sharing his life with someone who meant the world to him.
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sirfrogsworth · 2 months
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Photo Restoration Project - Part 1
A long time ago, Katrina sent me some old photos of her family I could restore. Her parents have been helping me from afar for years and I really wanted to do something nice for them. Unfortunately my dad got much worse and I pretty much forgot about this project for quite some time.
But then I decided to visit Katrina in Orlando and we discussed having dinner with her parents and I remembered these photos. So I thought I would fix them up so I could present them as a gift in person.
The first and most important photo was from her parents wedding.
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Old photo prints can fade over time due to UV light exposure. From what I understand, different colors fade at different rates and red/orange tones tend to be the least susceptible to this fading. Thankfully all of the color information is still there, it's just that the darks are not as dark and the lights are not as light. The dynamic range got squeezed like an accordion. However, if you do a levels adjustment on the red, blue, and green channels individually, you can unsqueeze the accordion and balance everything back to the way it was.
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But you can't always save everything and there may be other damage that needs fixing. If something becomes pure white, there is no way to restore that detail. Thankfully I was able to use the new generative fill feature to bring back detail in the dress, the flowers, and the tuxedo shirt.
And because I hate front facing flash and how it makes colors look ugly and sterile, I may have also added a marble floor and pillars.
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Next up was a photo of Anastasia, Katrina's mom, protesting Henry Kissinger on behalf of her home country of Greece. This suffered from the same color fading issues.
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What made this one a little more tricky was an uneven fading. The left side had to be adjusted independently and the top was even more faded. I had to isolate the trees to bring back their color. And the protest signs were difficult to read, so I enhanced those as well.
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Next we have this lovely photo of Anastasia tending to some house plants.
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This photo was actually in decent shape. It lost a little contrast, had a little bit of fading, and her top retained almost no detail I could recover. Recovering accurate skin tones is probably one of the most important skills I learned when restoring these photos. I wanted to keep that filmic look of the era while avoiding making people look jaundiced or pale. Lightroom's new masking feature that let's you isolate every aspect of the people it detects in a photo. This made fixing skin tones much easier. I could isolate just her face or her lips or her hair or her eyes and make precise individual adjustments. This process could have taken a great deal longer without this feature. But, I brought back proper contrast and color, added a little bit of detail to her top with gen fill, and hopefully got fairly accurate skin tones as well.
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Next up, forward facing flash strikes again in a photo of Mike and Anastasia during Christmas.
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Film did not do well in low light. If it was indoors and nighttime, you pretty much had no choice but to use flash. But a flash is a very small, bright light source and this causes a very unflattering result on humans. Today we have much more powerful flashes with rotating heads. We can bounce the light into the ceiling or off a wall and increase the size of the light source to get a more flattering result.
In this photo I wasn't able to do much, so I just balanced the skin tones and brought out some hidden detail and called it a day. It's still a lovely memory and thankfully film has such character that it negates a lot of the unflattering aspects of direct flash.
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Next up is some cuteness...
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A big priority when editing photos is to make sure the subjects are the star of the photo. And in this one their faces were a bit obscured in shadow. There was also a lot of haze in the background hiding the beautiful vista. Not to mention when I cleared that haze, there was this super faint hint of something in the sky. I can't tell if it was a rainbow, but I decided to believe it was a rainbow. The only thing that I am still struggling with, and this seems to be common with a lot of old photos, is green. Getting a good, saturated, natural green to look right has been very difficult. Everything I try ends up looking toxic or fake. The only thing that ends up looking right with the rest of the photo is more of a yellow-y brown. It's something I'll have to work on as I learn, but as long as the overall photo looks balanced and natural, I'm okay with not perfectly nailing the greens.
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Up next we have a lovely scene on a Greek dock...
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As far as editing goes, this was pretty basic. I just undid the fading, adjusted the skin tones, replaced the blown-out sky, and made the colors pop. But I think this is actually one of my favorite before and after shots. I just love how such a simple fix brought this scene to life.
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A new car is a big deal and Anastasia looks so proud here...
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This image has another common issue in addition to the typical fading of colors. It has a yellowish orange color cast. This could have been an issue with the film used or the development process or a chemical reaction on the print. A color cast is a lot like looking through colored glasses. It's like a translucent color material was put on top of the image. This can be a little trickier to deal with, but if you know your color theory, you might already know the solution. Blue is the opposite of yellow/orange on the color wheel, so if you introduce blue to the image it should balance out. Also, add a sky if it was missing.
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Next up we have a landscaping project...
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This one wasn't too tricky, but there was one interesting issue I had to address. All light has a color temperature. Daylight has a temperature of around 5500K. But the inside of the garage was being lit by reflected light and so that light took on the color temperature of the things it was bouncing off of. So I had to mask out the people and the car and address the color temperature inside the garage to make everything look balanced. Also, the green fought me hard on this one. And with the theme of this picture being plants, I felt I really needed to find a tone that worked. I think I finally got there, but I spent way too much time in the color picker doing trial and error of green tones. Also, new sky.
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With this next one I actually did a pretty thorough explanation of how I edited it. But this was probably my favorite puzzle to solve from this collection of photos.
I'll do the abridged explanation...
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The physical photograph was printed on a paper with a very heavy texture. And when it was scanned, the light from the scanner bounced off that texture and created a pattern of unwanted highlights.
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I was worried this was impossible to fix and I almost gave up on this photo. But after one final Google search I discovered something called "Fast Fourier Transform." It's a mathematical formula that can be used to detect patterns. And the image editing software Affinity Photo, just so happens to have a filter called FFT denoise that helps you remove unwanted patterns from scanned photos.
And thanks to that filter, I was able to remove a substantial amount of that pattern...
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Then I did my standard clean up techniques...
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Oh, and I decided to try learning how to colorize.
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Photoshop has a new set of experimental filters and a colorization tool is one of them. It is not great yet, but it is a great starting place. Instead of having to hand paint every single thing in the photo, Photoshop gave me a base to work with and I could take it from there with traditional techniques.
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That's all I have the energy for today, but there are a bunch of cool restorations to talk about. Hopefully you all find this interesting. It was such a great gift to give to Katrina's parents. And spending that time with them and making them happy felt like I was with my own parents again. So we all got a gift in that wonderful evening.
Part 2 coming as soon as I have the energy!
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forcearama · 22 days
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Allow me a ramble about something important, and YES it is about US politics and YES it is also kind of about Ukraine but not in the way a lot of my Ukraine posts are and YES it is another example of me being a huge nerd. It's also about democracy in general, of which I am a fan.
I was pleased to see this post from 2016 came across my dash again (with updated and accurate commentary in the reblogs which is great). Friendly reminder as we head into the rest of This American Election Year -- this, below, is a post that was churning on Tumblr in 2016 and I know for CERTAIN I saw it on my dash from multiple people at one time without the clarifications).
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***********
^^ This post got tons of traction with many sarcastic "welp"s and on and on.
Someone back at the time, to their credit, tried to interject:
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Importantly, it was uncovered after the election that:
THE ORIGINAL POSTER -- and I can confirm this because I even went back and dug up the email about it -- WAS ONE OF NUMEROUS BLOGS, ON A LIST, DISCLOSED BY TUMBLR AS HAVING BEEN TERMINATED BECAUSE THEY WERE QUITE LITERALLY COMING FROM THE RUSSIAN "INTERNET RESEARCH AGENCY":
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Look. I am not the Democratic Party's #1 Fan or anything. And yes, even though this particular time it was coming from a bot affiliated with a government that generally hates the USA, obviously the idea that the USA does need to have conversations about critical topics like prison reform is not incorrect. (That said, should fucking RUSSIA of all fucking countries be attempting to play this card? Do I even need to point out how fucking horrible THEIR prison system is?? MOST of their bad press right now in the West is understandably about the humanitarian nightmare they're perpetrating on Ukraine, but Human Rights Watch also has a lot to say about how they're doing within Russia itself. Its most recent article from LAST WEEK is titled "Russian Human Rights Defender Pays with His Freedom for Speaking the Truth" about a sham trial that just finished.)
If you go through the list of blogs the IRA spread around on Tumblr specifically in 2016, the clear majority were very VERY clearly aiming mostly at a young, idealistic, left-to-far-left-leaning, socially-conscious, primarily American audience. Which isn't a slam on tumblr users! If you cut out the "youthful" part I'd say that describes me pretty well too, hahaha! Being idealistic and wanting social justice and equality and free college for those who need it etc etc IS ALL GOOD STUFF! But they used peoples' kind hearts and justified anger at the things that are broken here, and targeted them on purpose with half-truths, lies, and all of the usual Russian government trash. Not because they actually give one single flying fuck about any of those issues you are passionate about (see also: Russia's absolutely horrible record w/regard to the LGBTQ community), but to serve the needs and wants of, primarily, an aging psychopath who is fucking terrified to lose anything he has. (As this blog gets a lot of Star Wars nerds, I feel compelled to point out that the Biggest Villain in the entire Star Wars franchise himself once warned us all that when someone is motivated to obtain nothing but unlimited power, eventually the only thing you become afraid of is losing that power.)
There is an excellent documentary -- HBO's Agents of Chaos directed by Alex Gibney, who has also directed worth-watching docuseries about Theranos' Elizabeth Holmes, and Scientology, for example -- from a few years ago about all of this. It goes into tons of detail about the connection of the color revolutions, the Arab Spring and ESPECIALLY the Revolution of Dignity in Ukraine, followed by the very intentional, very targeted effort to make Americans stop trusting more or less anything other than their own personal biases and fears, to be able to shape the national dialogue in ways that would favor Russia, to make Americans look like fucking idiots (and to their limited credit, that isn't a long journey for some Americans) and ultimately also hurt people like Syrians and Ukrainians in the process. The documentary ALSO shows how Russia started by perfecting this technique on their own citizens, and what "the news" looks like there today, which if you've ever seen it is somehow both equal parts absolutely horrifying and the most unintentionally hilarious shit you will ever see.
Being a discerning consumer of information -- wherever and whoever it comes from -- is important. I'm not over here telling you to ALWAYS believe [whoever/whatever]. But Russia clearly undermined some really fundamental and stabilizing things here in the USA the last decade or so in ways I think we are only really beginning to understand and see the effects of.
Be smart and be careful out there, guys. Thanks for letting me ramble.
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sahonithereadwolf · 10 months
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Can I tell you about the very queer game I made this Pride?
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In A World That Hates and Fears You, Living Becomes an Act of Rebellion.
Exceptionals is a game inspired by X-Men about and for the spaces and communities marginalized peoples make for themselves. Play as a Geno, one of little less than 0.5% percent of the population that has gone through a mysterious process called Claremont-Simonson mutation, as you try to navigate a world that won’t make room for you. Exceptionals is a game about what the mutant metaphor means to you and the different lenses through which we view it. Punch back and build something of worth together in this narrative tag-driven tabletop role playing game. 🧬Features Open-Ended Character Creation🧬 Mix and Match between (23) open-ended but guided protocols. Answer questions to create high concept and unique super powered characters where the only real limit is your imagination. Get invested in who you make as a whole person, and not just a set of powers. Build a Community 🧬Create a living and dynamic community space full of colorful characters. 🧬 Grow your base as an anchor for other geno and help fill it with the resources they and you need. Understand how your actions effect others and gain trust through the bonds mechanic. It’s a game where you get stronger by growing your community and heal by being part of it.
🧬Comic Book Storytelling 🧬 Play as a creative team of writers and editors working to tell the best version of the story you can over time and storyline-based experience to model changes of the status quo and creative direction. Enjoy panel based action pacing and the ability of characters of all power levels to coexist and carry the same amount of story weight.
🧬Not Pain Tourism 🧬 While Exceptionals offers a number of places to push back, we understand and recognize that the most important part of a punching bag is that you choose to hit it, even if it’s not at all. We recognize not everyone gets to set the issues that the mutant metaphor is used to talk about down when they leave the table and offer many ways to tell stories outside of a lens defined by pain. We also put an emphasis and mechanical weight on the importance of joy and celebration. 📚You can buy the Core Book here:📚 https://bramblewolfgames.itch.io/exceptionals 📚You can buy the Expansions here:📚 https://bramblewolfgames.itch.io/exceptionals-expansion-bundle 📚You can buy the bundle with everything here:📚 https://bramblewolfgames.itch.io/exceptionals-expansion-bundle I didn’t go out with the intent of making this a very queer game. Not explicitly. I started making games because  I got frustrated waiting to feel seen or acknowledged. Another game got me mad about using my peoples stories to be transphobic, to be racist, to be ableist. Nevermind my people have more than two genders traditionally and faced a genocide. That was too much for me. I said this was enough and the quite indignities I suffered to feel included wasn’t worth it. I could do better myself.  So I set out to make a superhero game. I hated just about every comic book game on the market. It never seemed to capture what I did like about big hero comics with high concept storytelling and powers and couldn’t care less on a mechanical or narrative level about who this person was outside the mask. More focused on bashing action figures together and golden age pastiche that doesn’t really reflect the decades of character and genre developments that have happened since then. I later found games that do it better, but I was dissatisfied... I chose x-men for the homies. I’ve always been an x-men fan. A lot of people my age were. My first action figure was one of rogue I got at a garage sale, where she then went on to fight many a play-dough monster. But for many of us it was the first place we were allowed to be heroes. There are no natives on the 90′s x-men team. But I had uncles and older kids all too eager to tell me about Forge and Warpath (I hate that name) and my favorite Dani Moonstar (I ain’t the biggest fan of that name either, but she’s the closest thing mainstream hero comics have to a good NDN).
After that, things just kinda flowed from there. The X-men have such a focus on community. It’s “comics greatest soap opera”. It can be messy, complicated, beautiful and life-affirming all at the same time. They take the time to play basketball, go to the mall, and have birthday parties as they grow. Two of my favorite x-men comics aren’t about fighting at all. One is framed around a sleepover some students have, and another is about a wedding and framed around everyone filming their part of the wedding tape.
So I started thinking about the communities I’ve been a part of. A big core of the game is informed by my time and the people I met in these sort of spaces. As a native, as a queer person, as a disabled person I’ve been both someone who needed them and someone who gave back.
Which suited x-men just fine. X-men has cared about that sort of thing from about X-men #3 with the first appearance of The Blob, establishing it’s tone of sympathy and mutants as a minority analog.
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I just kept going and I didn’t stop. And apparently I did a good job. Someone out there has been using my game as game-therapy and community outreach in a gender health center out in California. I got a lot of kind words for the game too (which is good, because I spent 3 years on it).
KUDOS
-As featured on; io9/Gizmodo, Kotaku, Listen to Theses Nerds, Team-Up Moves, Yes Indie'd Pod, Team-Up Moves, and The Voice of Dog -#1 Best Seller and Popular on Itch.io in both Analog & RPG Games, Sept 2021
Listen to the Team-Up Moves AP Here!: https://teamupmoves.com/runs/exceptionals "Exceptionals is a beautiful, brilliantly designed superhero RPG. It's truly a masterpiece, and if you haven't checked it out, do yourself a favor." -@PartyOfOnePod
"This thing COOKS, Sahoni doesn't just tap into the queer/minority readings of mutants, but also ties in the weirdness that really gets my mind racing when it comes to X books." -@froondingloom 
"A refreshingly different game, that strikes a good balance between unlimited player freedom and solid guiding handrails. Really gets at the full potential of what the ;mutant outcast heroes' genre should be about: found family, building communities, and lives lived to the fullest despite being lived in defiance." -@guywhowrotethis 
"The whole game oozes love for its inspiration while also going further than they dared...." -@Phoenix24Femme
"Astonishing! Uncanny! All-New! And all other X-Adjectives available. This book gets why one would want to play the Mutant Metaphor in an RPG. It cleverly weaves the power fantasy of powerful individuals with the drive to do good for one's community. It's well-researched, well-written and, well, so much fun to play! This is the superpowered game I've been wanting for a long, long time. I can't wait to tell an Exceptional story of my own!" -@Kokiteno Team-up moves even made a recommended comic reading list. It has some of the best x-men has to offer and then some. It even includes that  New Mutants comic with the sleepover. They read me for filth and I love it.
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I hope you play my game too. I hope you like it. I hope you tell queer stories and build community around you. I hope it’s messy, complicated, beautiful and life-affirming all at the same time. Thank you for reading this. Please reblog if you can as well as share it with x-men and rpg fans in your life.
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thecyndimistuff · 11 months
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I am curious about your statements in regards to mandalorians being centered around Polynesian culture. I am asking because I am writing a character who grew up with the mandalorian culture as her father did and her grandfather was a mandalorian, but neither are Polynesian as I wasn’t aware that you had to be Polynesian to be mandalorian. That’s kinda what that comes off as. I see mandalorians being a mix of many cultures(I agree with Bo Katan. I hate her) I noticed in vlone wars mandalore was pretty much all white people with the only difference being hair color? Sorry I just wanna make sure I am not stepping on toes or anything
I never said characters had to be Polynesian to be Mandalorian, but I have spoken about how Mandalore as a culture has been built from the ground up based in Polynesian influence after Temuera Morrison was casted as Jango, Boba and the clones. BUT I am glad you brought this up bc it’s a good opportunity to talk about and highlight topics around Polynesian cultural influences in fiction and how it’s even more important to spotlight the Polynesian voices that make up that influence. So I brought my friend Ivy @queen-breha-organa back from the grave to give her incredible insight (she's not dead but star wars keeps trying to kill her):
“Mandalorian culture being based on Polynesian culture does not mean every single Mandalorian has to be Polynesian or played by a Polynesian actor. Mandalorians are famous for their adoption rituals and their inter-species diversity.
HOWEVER, acknowledging that the culture itself, the very foundations of it, were based around Temuera Morrison, is vital no matter what the context. These foundations have never been treated respectfully or kindly.
Karen Traviss wrote many of these influences into her writing, from adoption rituals, to family dynamics, to star charting, to accents and so much more. Many aspects are mirror images. However she never wrote with respect, only blatant ignorance. I use the word “Polynesian” because although Karen attempted to base many elements of this culture on Temuera Morrison’s portrayal, and in turn his Māori identity, she failed to understand the differences and similarities between Polynesians culture, and instead of attempting to represent Temuera and his Māori branch, she accidentally created a large melting pot of Polynesian cultural influences.
In turn, Dave Filoni rewrote much of Mandalorian culture in the clone wars by creating the “New Mandalorian” sect. This sect often refers to the former culture (the version KT wrote) as “primitive” and outdated. This combined with the fact that Dave made all the original New Mandalorians white, is a blatant disrespect to the Polynesian culture the original was based on.
Just because Karen didn’t write the cultural influences respectfully, knowledgeably or kindly, does not mean they aren’t there. Instead of ignoring the Polynesian influences like Dave, or disrespecting them like Karen, it’s vital for individuals who get involved with Mandalorian lore to respect and support the culture that built its foundations.
So no, your OC doesn’t have to be Polynesian, nor do you have to base everything they do on Polynesian culture. Polynesian cultures are still mainly closed cultures, and not everyone will know the minutia of them, so writing about something you aren’t familiar with (like Karen did) isn’t what I’m recommending. However, respecting and supporting these influences (both in the lore and out of it) is vital.
In canon, don’t apply words like “primitive” “savage” or “primal” to Mandalorian culture. In canon, don’t write over the Polynesian influences just to dismiss them. In canon, your characters Mandalorian sect may be based on many concepts or cultures, but remember to be respectful to the culture that so many aspects were based on.
Out of canon, remember to respect Polynesians, in and out of this fandom! Out of this fandom, show support for cultural revitalization efforts, and get educated about culture and history! In this fandom, speak up against whitewashing, and the dismissal and exclusion of Polynesians and their influence in Star Wars. Whether you’re writing for fandom or just living your life, remember to respect Polynesian culture.”
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mcflymemes · 5 months
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AS SAID BY FENRIS  *  assorted dialogue from dragon age ii, updated version
meeting you was the most important thing that ever happened to me.
i can’t bear the thought of living without you.
you are too willing to involve yourself in the affairs of others.
nothing could be worse than living without you.
before we found you, there was a moment when i… don’t do that again.
you should really post some guards outside, considering all the trouble you get into.
everywhere we go, people try to kill you.
i don't want to hear another word out of you.
and here we are again. for the fourth time.
how much do you wish to test that luck of yours?
it seems you have won the day. well done.
why must you go on about this?
i can do that, if you wish.
i am alone.
i'm afraid to ask what brought this on.
is this going anywhere?
do you want to guess what color my underclothes are again?
you’re squandering something you don’t understand.
you do not like your name?
you'd look pretty in one.
i felt like a fool. i thought it better if you hated me.
nobody asks for their fate.
oh. that. it’s... a talent.
it was better than anything i could have dreamed.
do not make light of this. leaving was the hardest thing i’ve ever done.
whatever you need, i am ready to assist.
the true character of any city is found among its poor.
i enjoy following you.
i didn’t come here to burden you further.
we have never discussed what happened between us three years ago.
is there no one else who has your attention?
you wound my pride with such accusations.
break their heart, and i will kill you.
you keep staring at me. is it my eyes again?
you are more naive than i thought.
did i hear correctly?
that is my hope as well.
i don’t want your pity.
i needed to be alone.
that night... i remember your touch as if it were yesterday.
i shouldn’t trouble you with this. my problems are not yours.
how is it you get into these situations so often?
you did the right thing. many would turn a blind eye.
you do not want to know the answer to that.
i don’t know. it’s just something people say.
you have an entire story written in your head already, don’t you?
a shame that you are going to die, no?
i should have asked for your forgiveness long ago. i hope you can forgive me now.
from what i gather, you like a lot of things.
you wish to do this here? in front of everyone?
i’ve never spoken about what happened to anyone.
why are you watching me like that?
i remain at your side.
i may not get a chance to say this again.
thank you for asking me to come along.
perhaps this is what it means to have a friend.
i suggest keeping your distance.
if there is a future to be had, i will walk gladly into it at your side.
we need to stop and rest when we’ve a moment.
this ground is cursed. only wretched or ignorant souls would linger here.
i cannot imagine what it must be like to lose your family. anything i could say would be insufficient. i’m sorry.
i have never allowed anyone too close.
forget i said anything.
it’s so wonderful having my personal business as someone else’s sport.
well... at least i’m not dead.
you were never ordered to kill?
does it bother you? should i stop?
promise me you won’t die.
do not bare your heart to me, unless you would have me rip it out.
is that a compliment of an insult?
do you intend to go after me, then?
it is always good to be at your side.
thanks for getting rid of them.
i imagine you imprisoned them?
you have my thanks.
i am yours, as always.
the smug sense of superiority does give you away.
you caught them, then?
there you are. were you hurt? what happened?
i don’t know what to say, but i’m here.
surely you can’t hope to best me.
i am yours.
we should move on.
i could ask you the same thing.
i just... am pleased to see you, that’s all.
you are looking for forgiveness, but i’m not the one who can give it to you.
they say death is only a journey. does that help?
i stand ready.
shall we end this quickly?
another battle is upon us.
you frightened me.
oh, you've learned a few new words.
keep going. i'm sure your training will kick in any moment.
to be honest, i see no point in filling these moments with empty talk.
my wounds need attention.
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ptersparkers · 1 year
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good for him
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summary: aaron loves you. he hopes his son loves you as much as he does.
notes: hello!!!! so i’ve been on an aaron hotchner kick lately and wrote this bc i love him so much. also like i hate kids but i would die for aaron and jack. bye.
warnings: twinge of angst and canon criminal minds mentions.
(here’s a quick lil fic for yall...pls tell me what you think!)
Aaron knows you’re good for him.
He likes to think he knows you like the back of his hand. Aaron thanks his lucky stars for the night the two of you met, when Spencer had brought you to a dinner at Rossi’s, and that you had found him more interesting than the pasta on your plate.
You seemed to be the only person in the world who could read his mind. Aaron felt so lucky to be with someone who was as patient and passionate as you were, going so far as to accommodate your schedule to his traveling one. He knows how hard it is to keep a relationship afloat when he’s always away for work. Aaron understands that he can’t ask anyone to feel sorry for him or stick around because he asked.
But you do.
You pick up the pieces when Aaron leaves and you don’t make him feel guilty for leaving you in Virginia while he’s away on a case. You’re more than happy to listen to him when he has a particularly bad day. You’re even more delighted when he calls you out of the blue to talk when everyone has dispersed for the night. Aaron loves that you text him throughout the day. He loves that you think of him often and he wishes he could let you know that he thinks about you just as much.
Aaron kept your relationship from Jack for a while so as to not overwhelm him. He didn’t know what he was doing–he didn’t have much practice dating as a single father and although you were aware that he had Jack, Aaron wasn’t sure how Jack would react to meeting you. Haley had been gone for some time now, and Jack was just starting to confront his grief.
As your relationship grew more serious, Aaron knew you’d have to meet Jack sooner rather than later.
He asks Jack one afternoon if he’d like to have a picnic at the local park on the following Sunday morning. Jack obliges, happy with the idea of an open space to run and spending time with his father. Aaron lets you know when and where to meet him, and he tries not to let anxiety overtake him.
Aaron knows that if Jack doesn’t like you, the relationship might not last. He made a vow to himself to put Jack above any woman he dated and that it was important for the both of you to get along. Aaron owes that to his son and desperately hopes it goes well. Jack doesn’t know why his father’s grip on his hand is tighter than usual, but he doesn’t say anything.
You’re sitting on a picnic blanket underneath a tree, shielding yourself from the warm sun when you see Aaron. You flag him down and notice Jack first, who slows his pace upon realizing that he’s about to meet a stranger.
Aaron watches when you wave at him and introduce yourself as a friend of his. At the same time,  Aaron and Jack notice that you’ve brought out containers filled with Jack’s favorite snacks and he abandons his post behind his father’s side to discover what you’ve packed.
Jack’s too busy munching on his favorite sandwich when Aaron looks at you. He’s touched that you remembered all of Jack’s favorite meals and even more touched that you seem to care for Jack the way he does. Jack relents after eating three small sandwiches and pretzels, and he’s so full of energy that he begins to run around you. Aaron nearly tells Jack to settle down to get to know you first, but he watches as you stand from your spot and chase Jack around the tree.
The small child grows tired after a few minutes of running and sits beside Aaron with his elbow leaning against his father’s thigh. You sit opposite of the two and Jack begins to ask you questions you assume are important to children. Where are you from? How did you and Aaron meet? What is your favorite color? Do you like pizza or pasta better?
You laugh and take your time answering his questions until Jack grows tired from the warm weather. Aaron promises to call you after he’s put Jack down for a nap and you part ways.  
It’s almost comical to Aaron how well you fit into his life. He’s relieved Jessica of babysitting duties if you have the time or volunteer. You’ve bonded well with her and Jessica’s approval of you sends Aaron’s heart into a frenzy. He loves receiving photos of you and Jack when you’ve picked him up from school. He loves when you text him photos of Jack fast asleep. He loves it when the both of you are cuddled in the living room.
Aaron loves you, he thinks.
It comes at him fast. He doesn’t know when he realizes it but knows that you’re the one for him. Aaron can’t explain his feelings for you in a way that would make sense to anybody else. All he knows is that he’s grateful for you.
However, one thing Aaron thinks he needs to work through is talking about Haley to you.
You know who she is. Aaron has always been honest about what occurred with Jack’s mom, but there never seemed to be a conversation surrounding Haley beyond that. Aaron still has photos of her with Jack framed in his home and he’s happy that you haven’t asked him to take them down. Aaron knows that you have a deep understanding of his feelings and the role Haley played in his life, but he still feels guilty knowing that you look at photos of his ex-wife when you enter his house.
Aaron’s away on a case with a victim that eerily reminds him of Haley. He can’t help but mourn her death throughout the duration of the case and his fellow coworkers share the same sorrow. When Aaron’s on the plane ride home, his mind wanders to you and Haley, and he knows he needs to talk to you about what might happen if Jack brings her up in front of you.
In the few months you’ve gotten to know Jack, he hasn’t said anything about Haley. Aaron’s found it difficult to get Jack to open up about his feelings regarding his mother’s death and he doesn’t want to pry. Aaron’s been so busy that he keeps forgetting to strike that conversation off of his list but he also does not want to overwhelm you by the thought of having to live up to an impossible standard.
Aaron doesn’t want to make you feel like you have to be Haley in order for you to love him. He’s worried that you might.
The plane lands well after the sun has set and all Aaron wants to do is go home and see his son. He knows you’ve been watching him for the past few days and isn’t surprised to see the living room lights turned on with the television playing. Aaron quietly walks into the house through the garage door and is about to greet the both of you when he hears Jack speak.
“Y/N, do you think my mom misses me?”
Aaron’s anxiety rises when he hears Jack ask you that question. He’s standing around the corner and sees that you and Jack are on the couch, the movie you’ve been watching turned low and Jack leaning in between your arms as he plays with his fingers.
He’s nervous with how you’ll respond. It isn’t that he’s afraid you’ll disrespect Haley. He knows you wouldn’t. But Aaron’s nervous at your response. What would you say? Aaron’s guilt for not having talked about this conversation occurring eats him alive as he looks at the two of you.
He contemplates on whether or not to interrupt and announce that he’s home. Aaron stops, however, when you start to speak.
“I think your mom misses you so much,” you say to him as he looks up at you. “I bet she’s really proud of you, Jack.”
“You think so?” Jack asks quietly.
“How could she not be?” you reply. Aaron watches as Jack turns to look at you with wide eyes. “You’re the best, Jack. You are so kind and thoughtful, and you always make sure to include everyone so they don’t feel left out. Your mom is so proud of you, Jack.”
Jack lets your words sink in.
You speak to fill the silence. “She was such a good mom, wasn’t she?”
“The best,” Jack confirms without missing a beat.
“Tell me about her,” you beckon. “What did you love about her?”
Jack rambles for what feels like hours about Haley. Aaron’s temporarily taken back to all of his memories with his late wife and feels like he shouldn’t be yearning to hold Haley again; he wants nothing more than to apologize to her for being a terrible husband and for putting her in a situation that she couldn’t escape from. Aaron knows his love for Haley isn’t like his love for you, yet the twinge in his heart makes him feel like he’s betraying you.
Aaron watches as Jack moves away from your lap to show you a photo of Haley. You smile at the picture and adore how much younger Jack looks in his mother’s arms. Jack looks proud when you lament the similarities between them and Aaron witnesses as Jack fondly looks at Haley before he looks at you.
“She was awesome,” Jack says in a proud voice. “I miss her a lot.”
“She’s looking out for you, you know. Your mom may not be here all the time, but she’ll always be here,” you say, pointing at his head, “and here,” you repeat, pointing at his heart.
“I think she would have liked you,” Jack admits. Aaron’s eyes grow bright.
“I bet I would’ve loved her,” you say, tapping the tip of Jack’s nose.
“Thank you for letting me talk about my mom,” Jack says quietly. “I-I miss her a lot and I try not to cry, but it’s hard.”
“It’s okay to cry,” you coo, holding Jack’s face in your hands when you notice tears in the corner of his eyes. You wipe them away with your thumb as they roll down his cheeks and Jack nods, leaning into the comfort of your warm hands.
Aaron’s heart melts. Jack moves your hands from his face and crawls back into your lap with his head buried in your neck and his arms around you.
Aaron decides that he can’t stay hidden for any longer. He opens and closes the door as if he just arrived home and watches as Jack looks up from your lap. Aaron welcomes him into his arms and sinks to his level, allowing the young Hotchner to tackle him in a bone crushing hug. It’s moments like these that make Aaron feel like life is worth living; his son is safe at home and the love of his life is standing right in front of him.
“How about we go to bed, yeah? It’s getting late. We can hang out tomorrow,” Aaron suggests. Jack agrees and yawns, which tugs on Aaron’s heartstrings in all the right ways.
After Aaron emerges from Jack’s room, he makes his way to where you stand in the kitchen and engulfs you in an embrace. He holds you tightly, his chin resting atop the crown of your head.
“Tough case?” you ask.
“The toughest,” is all Aaron offers.
“I’m sorry,” you lament. “I wish I could make you feel better.”
“Seeing you with Jack cases like these, worth it,” Aaron admits. There’s a quiet silence for a brief pause. “I’ve been having a hard time getting Jack to open up about Haley.”
“He just needs some time and grace. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to see someone who isn’t your mom date your father.”
“He loves you,” Aaron affirms. “Told me so before I left.”
“Oh, did he?” you ask with your eyebrow raised. You’ve pulled apart from Aaron just enough to look him in the eye but close enough to smell his cologne. Aaron bends to press his lips against yours in a kiss.
“I’m sorry for not warning you about Haley—”
“Hey,” you interrupt. “You don’t have to apologize, Aaron. I knew what Haley meant to you.”
“I never mean to make you feel uncomfortable when I walk about her,” Aaron says.
“Haley was the love of your life and she was taken from you,” you reassure. “You can love and mourn her, honey. She was the mother of your child.”
“But I feel like I'm disrespecting our relationship,” Aaron admits. “I’m not the best at sorting out my feelings but it eats me alive whenever I think about how you might compare yourself to her.”
You shake your head. “You and Jack have every right to miss her, honey. No amount of time will ever fix that.” Aaron kisses you again. “I’d never ask you to stop talking about her for my sake. I trust you. I know you love me, Aaron.”
“I never want you to forget that I do,” Aaron says quietly.
You hum in satisfaction and remain in his arms for a few silent moments before you both decide to head to bed. As you lay on Aaron’s chest and fiddle with the blanket above you, he knows what love is supposed to look like. His guilt and worries melt away when you trace his chest with your fingertip and he sleeps soundly.
Aaron knows you’re good for him. He believes it.
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bakubunny · 3 months
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bunny can i beg for daddy izu crumbs if you have any ? whatever you’re feeling (totally can ignore this <3)
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hi starr! no need to beg; i always intend to write some daddy!izu but never get around to it. you’re giving me a valid excuse to indulge that desire and avoid updating my masterlist yet again. gonna go with daddy dom izu & little reader bc that’s where i’m at rn. hope that’s okay. 🖤
here’s a brain dump based loosely off of this drabble. bc i know you’re okay with it: age play themes ahead, mention of caregiver/little (dd/lg), fluff ig?
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i hc daddy izu as one that’s pretty soft; like i could definitely see him being as mean as they come, won’t put up with bratting of any kind, etc., but i could also see him being content with being soft and loving almost all of the time.
that doesn’t mean he’s not rough in bed tho; i think with him it’s a 50/50 mix, and he’ll usually adapt to what you need and enjoy it just as much.
he likes to plan his scenes out well ahead of time, but he can also do things on the fly with enough experience under his belt.
daddy izu enjoys orgasm control - delay, denial, overstim, ruined orgasms, the whole bit. he doesn’t do it all the time bc it’s not his top favorite thing to do with you, but he likes the variety it allows. he can be as nice or as mean as he wants at any given point without having to be harsh, and he knows harsh can be very overwhelming when you’re not expecting it. and more importantly, it’s all based around pleasure, which i believe a softer version of izu would be all for.
not much of a sadist outside of spanking and maybe some impact play. he really only does it if he knows you want (or need) it. he’s a fan of maintenance spankings bc they can be used for a variety of purposes - to keep his sweet thing in check, but also give you regular times to enjoy being a bit of a masochist if that’s important to you to name two.
he’s the kind of dom that’s not like… a jack of all trades? but he can adapt to what you want or need pretty easily with a little research, and he doesn’t have a specific area of interest outside of ddlg in this context? if that makes sense? anyway.
daddy izu has always known he likes to take care of people. he’s a hero, after all. it takes him a while to accept how far that actually goes. he struggles with it. it’s only thanks to the internet that he figures himself out while he’s young (early 20s).
by the time you meet him he understands dd/lg dynamics in theory, but he’s never been in one. heck, he’s not even sure if he wants that or can give that to someone with his status as a pro hero.
but that doesn’t stop him from slipping here and there and showing that side of him, especially when he sees how you melt under his care. he’s pretty sure he’s picking up hints that you might indeed be a little, but he’s way too embarrassed to ask.
izuku the kind of person that pulls the little side out of you when you’re too ashamed to show it. he showers you with sweet encouragement and doesn’t mind how needy you get. tells you, “it’s okay, sweetie. i love how much you need me. don’t ever be sorry for it.”
he feels his heart get warm and fluttery the first time he gets a real taste that his inkling might be right. maybe it’s the way you swing your feet so cutely when he “pampers” you by putting on your socks and shoes, or how you sort of melted into him and got shy that one time he carried you from the car to the bed because you were too tired.
or perhaps it was the most obvious moment, when he caught you watching a kids show, coloring on your own to de-stress. izuku had mixed feelings, ones of warm confirmation and others of pain watching you fold into yourself so quickly. he hated the way you immediately turned the tv off, snapped your coloring book shut, and tried to hide it like you had something to be ashamed of.
so izuku did the only thing he could think to do. he sat down next to you, gave you a kiss, and said, “hey, princess. whatcha got there?”
his smile was bright and kind as ever; he was trying to show curiosity rather than overwhelming excitement. but the look on your face told him you were hesitant.
“nothing, i’m just drawing,” you said. “sorry.”
his heart fell as he gave you a curious look. “no need to be sorry. can i see your drawings? i bet they’re very pretty.”
you tucked your head as heat prickled the apples of your cheeks; his tone of voice had shifted, but you couldn’t quite place it. “izuku, it’s dumb, really. don’t worry about it.”
“none of that. show me how well my girl draws, hmm? i want to see what you made,” izuku replied.
you considered it for a moment. then without looking up, you pulled the book of sanrio characters from your chest and opened to the page you had been working on. heat flooded your face. tears pricked the corners of your eyes.
“baby, that’s beautiful! i love it,” he said.
“thanks,” you said softly.
izuku’s enthusiastic response was far from surprising, but what caught you was his tone once again. and it clicked - you’d heard that tone of voice before plenty of times. it was the same one he used when he bent down to talk to small children who ran up to see him. you weren’t sure if you should feel humiliated or if -
“you’re doing such a good job, little one,” he said. “i’m proud of you.”
you froze. you looked to him. though you were on the brink of tears, his smile was still bright, albeit nervous.
“really?” you said.
“yeah! of course i am. do you have another coloring book, sweet pea? i’d love to draw with you.”
you pointed to the black backpack at your feet. izuku pulled out the only hero themed coloring book you had.
“i think this one’s perfect, don’t you?” he asked.
you pulled him in for a tight hug and nodded.
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midnightsandmadness · 8 months
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A couple of months ago, my brother asked a simple question. "What do you see when you try to picture a pool?"
My mom came out with a whole spiel. She could see the water glistening in sunlight, hear children's laughter and splashing in the background.
I couldn't do that. Couldn't imagine more than a square of flat blue, and even the color only seemed to be implied. Aphantasia. My brother and I both had something called Aphantasia. The inability to form mental images, or mind blindness.
The realization bothered me at first. A lot. How can you be an author, write stories that feel real to other people, if you can't even imagine what you're attempting to put on the page?
I thought back on all the books I'd read. How I could never picture actual people, just blobs. Why I hated books too heavy on description. Why, even if I'd loved a book, I could still find myself lost as to what was physically happening.
It was making me feel sick. I couldn't even think about writing and reading anything was a no go. Maybe writing wasn't for me, like I'd secretly feared all these years.
But here's what finally clicked in my head.
I started thinking about what I loved in stories too. The relationships between characters, the internal struggle as characters becomes who they were meant to be, the lyrical and beautiful language that has touched me more than any tv show or movie ever could.
None of that was necessarily tied to describing how something looked perfectly from memory. It was about understanding people.
I don't need a crystal clear image of a person to capture how much they care for their family, or to show them grow through the pain in their past. Stories, for me, have never been about getting the image perfect. Bodies just encase all the important things inside a person. Houses are just vessels for families crowd and make a home.
Describing the way things look is important obviously, especially for the readers who can visualize, which is the majority of the world. But everyone can improve at it. And it's never been the most important thing to me in a book, so I have to imagine I'm not alone.
Everyone has stories to tell. Everyone has something worthwhile to add, and it doesn't have to be amazing descriptions. It doesn't have to be anything. Just something that's yours.
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You Call It Madness But I Call It Love
Chapter 2: Late Night Visitor
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Pairing: Soldier Boy x f!reader, Reader POV
Summary: When the reader left Payback 40 years ago after a falling out with her childhood best friend she never looked back, but when two men show up to her apartment and start asking her questions about the past, the reader begins to think those things can’t stay hidden and starts to question what’s real and what’s fantasy.  This is a re-telling of The Boys Season 3, where the reader is a supe who's known Soldier Boy since 1927. The chapters will fluctuate between past and present. This is chapter two of my "You Call It Madness But I Call It Love" series. (I'm so bad at summaries please forgive me!)
Word Count: 2.3K
Warnings: References to sex, Cursing (once or twice), Soldier Boy might be, is, really, absolutely, a little OOC,
Note: This is told from Reader's perspective. Any references to the reader is made using you or your. There is minimal use of y/n. Reader is described as being "curvy." I tried my best to proofread, but nobody's perfect. If you don’t like, don’t read, but if you do like, you’re my favorite!
Internal Monologue is in first person and is in italics
Masterlist
Chapter 1
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1934 Philadelphia
The subtle scratch of your pencil against the smooth page of the sketchbook filled your quiet bedroom. One look at the ticking clock on your bedside table stated that it was past midnight, but you didn't care. The dark circles under your eyes the next morning were well worth it, tiredness forgotten as the haze of creativity dulled the weariness of the day you'd had.
It was your fifteenth birthday, and although your parents had thrown you a lavish party to prove that the y/l/n family had not been touched by the destruction of the depression and were not concerned with the horrors of war overseas, there was only one person that you wanted to be there.
Ben wasn't of course. He was still at boarding school number five, and you imagined that a number six was already in order, given his track record.
You smile to yourself when you think of your best friend. You hadn't seen him in two months, not since you walked with him to the train station and he tried to act like he didn't care that his father was sending him away again, but you knew he did.
The things that Ben's father said and did to him made anger surge behind your ribcage. You didn't understand how his father could be so callous, so uncaring. You also hate that it drove Ben to drink, though Ben didn't seem to drink quite as much when you were around, because he knew that you didn't like it.
The party would have been more entertaining if he was there. Yes he did tend to get drunk and flirt with whatever walked past him, but he always had a way of cheering you up. And he had a wonderful knack for keeping your mother at a distance, who prayed that Ben would stay away from you, but never did.
If he was there your mother wouldn't have hovered over you all night, slapping away your hand every time you tried to take a piece of cake or hiss something at you when you pulled at the itchy pink dress that she brought home three days ago, your least favorite color. When you got dressed for the party you felt like a porcelain doll in a China cabinet, made to be looked at, but never touched.
It wasn't too far off. Being the only daughter of one of the richest families that lived in Philadelphia your reputation and pedigree were two of the most important things to your mother. It meant that in a few years you would be married off to another rich family, have rich babies, and then put your own daughter through the same cycle of hell all over again.
Suitors were already beginning to trickle into your life, sons of your father’s business partners each screened by your mother before the introductory meetings where you felt bored, stiff,  choked by the thick fabric of the dresses your mother picked out, and plastered with makeup. All of course the best of Europe, which you had no idea how your mother managed to get given that there was a war on.
Ben was the only thing in your life that wasn't planned and you loved him for it.
You look up at the dark corner of your room to get a view of the long shadows that creep along the bedroom floor, and cut through the light coming from the gas lantern on your bedside table. You try to distinguish the sharp edges and smooth curves and watch them take shape beneath the ministrations of your pencil against the page.
Art was your only escape, the only thing you did that your mother approved of.
"A proper lady should have a hobby." She had sniffed, but then narrowed her eyes at the graphite and ink stains on you hands.
Part of the fun is the mess. You had thought to yourself watching her disapproving look.
A tap on your window makes you lift your gaze from the page and look towards the window seat that faces out the third story of your home onto the street below.
Ben is crouched there on the ledge that juts out only a foot from the outer brick wall a wide smile on his face that you can't help but return. You had been friends since you were both eight, when your parents threw yet another party and you found Ben in one of the side rooms trying to avoid his father. When his father tried to come in to find him, you lied and said you hadn't seen Ben.
And when his mother died two years later, Ben would show up some nights, scaling the large tree outside your window to stay with you. He never wanted to talk about it and you never asked, instead you talked about everything else until you both fell asleep.
You felt your heart thud loudly in your chest and a familiar warmth tracing lightly against your skin when you lock eyes with him. It was hard to be in love with your best friend. But you were, and you couldn't tell him. You didn't want to ruin the only meaningful relationship you'd ever had in your life. Ben knew everything about you, you trusted him and you couldn't imagine what it would be like to live your life without him, didn't want to.
Sometimes you hoped he felt the same way. When you woke up before him in the morning and the light from the window made his hair lighter and he held you close to his chest because in his sleep he had wrapped his arm around you. You liked to pretend that he did it on purpose, not just because there was barely any room between the two of you in your bed because now you both weren't as small as you used to be. You don’t know when Ben got so broad, tall, and muscular, but now it was impossible to ignore, especially being pressed against his chest when you woke.
 It was improper to be that close in bed together of course, but you didn't care. You didn't care what other people thought about him or you. He was your best friend, and although you wished for more, you wouldn't turn your back on him just because other people thought he was trouble.
Which he was.
You put your sketchbook down and go to the window to unlock it. "Ben what are you doing here?"
"I couldn't miss your birthday." He smirks as you take his hand to help him into your bedroom.
"What about school?"
"Wasn't a good fit." Ben pushes his dark hair out of his eyes and you try not to think about what it would be like to do it yourself.
"Uh-huh. What you're really saying is that you flunked out of another boarding school just to make it back for my birthday. Right?" You laugh.
"Thought it would be a nice birthday surprise." He leans forward with a smirk. "Would you like to unwrap your present?"
You roll your eyes and raise a hand to push him back, but he catches it against his chest.
"Come on. You're telling me that you didn't miss me? Not even a little?" Ben pretends to be hurt.
Of course you missed him. When he wasn't there it felt like apart of you was gone, but you couldn't tell him that. You knew that Ben didn't feel the same way. He was just flirty, all the time.
"No."
"Liar." He says. "How was the big party?"
"Oh it was the bee's knees." You snark. "I danced with Howard Stine and he stepped on my toes, my mother didn't let me eat and bought me a ridiculous dress-"
"Let me guess, pink?"
"Pink and ruffly. I looked like a giant cupcake."
"I'm sure Howard loved it." Ben sing-songs.
"Shut up." You punch his arm. "He's not that bad-"
"With a boring name like Howard, imagine how boring he'd be in-"
"Big talk from a guy named Benjamin." You interrupt.
The look in Ben's eyes darkens for a minute. "I'd be happy to prove you wrong."
You shake your head at him to stop the flush in your cheeks and avoid the way your breath catches in your chest at his words.
It would be so easy to give in to him, but you knew that Ben didn't see you that way. Ben had chased after anything and everything that caught his eye. If you were to give in, you were afraid of what would happen after. Ben was your best friend and if you crossed that line what would it mean?
"You're incorrigible."
"If that's another word for gorgeous then yes, yes I am."
You turn back to the bed and where your sketchbook waits, trying to calm your racing heart.
"But you don't want your birthday present?" Ben asks from behind you.
"What happened to you being the present?"
"I am a gift, but I did get you something."
You turn and see that Ben is holding out a package wrapped in gold paper a little bit larger than a book. Surprise momentarily spikes at the back of your mind. Ben had gotten you gifts in the past, but you hadn't expected one this year, especially since he just got out of boarding school.
"Did you steal it?" You ask, raising an eyebrow at him.
"Not this time."
You take the box from his hand and sit down on your bed to peel back the paper. "I can't believe you actually wrapped this."
"The saleswoman did. Now she was really-"
"Don't need to know." You shake your head with a smile, eyes still on the gift. When you finally pull back the paper you can't help but smile. It's a box of watercolor paints, a package of brushes, and a small pad of watercolor paper. "Ben-" You look up at him with a wide smile. "Thank you!"
 "Do you like them?" Ben asks hesitantly, he looks almost nervous.
"I love them! I've never tried to paint before."
"I know. I remember said you wanted to try. Plus I thought you could do some nice nudes of me in color-" Ben smirks.
"Ben!" You snort.
“I’m just trying to help you learn how to draw anatomy.” He wets his lips with his tongue arching an eyebrow in a challenge. “Of course there are more fun ways that I could teach you that.”
“Ben!” You flush bright red.
“Sorry. Sometimes you’re too easy.”
“I don’t know why I put up with you.” You shake your head at him with a smile.
An odd look crosses his face, but it disappears as quickly as you see it.
"Honestly, thank you. I can't wait to try these out." You look back down at the paints, admiring the silver box they came in.
"You're welcome."
Ben hovers by the window at the edge of your room as if debating whether or not he should stay. After all these years you noticed that Ben had trouble with the idea that you genuinely wanted him there. You knew it stemmed from his father's constant disapproval and his father's constant need to push him away, and it made your heart break for him.
And yes, maybe Ben did fill his life with brief flings and alcohol, but he was still your Ben.
"You’re going to stay right? Because you’ve already missed my birthday and I’d like to know how you got kicked out of boarding school number five.”
He nods once a small smile quirking the edge of his lips before he removes the dark jacket with the embossed prestigious logo of the aforementioned boarding school. It catches on his shoulders and you look away before he can see your blush.
“Are you hungry?”
Ben shakes his head.
“Ben, when was the last time you put something in your stomach besides alcohol?” You raise an eyebrow. He couldn’t lie to you and you knew he was only saying no because he didn’t want you to have to creep downstairs in the dark and also because he didn’t want to admit that he was hungry.
“Earlier.” He says it with a shrug, looking down at the coat in his hands to avoid your gaze.
“Well I was going to go see if I could find some of that birthday cake anyway. I haven’t eaten since this morning and all I had was half a grapefruit.”
“Another diet?” Ben frowns.
“Mother thinks I can slim down a little more. Says that I’d get more suitors if my hips were not so big.” You try not to dwell too much on it, you’d been dealing with your mother’s constant berating  since you were born. The corset you’d worn at the party was so tight that it left bruises on your hips and under your arms, but your mother had been pleased with how it looked. “She won’t be happy until I’m thinner than a chicken bone I suppose.” Instead of looking at Ben you stand and turn to look at yourself in the full length mirror in the corner. You never thought that your hips were too big or that your chest was, yes you were more curvy than any of your friends but you liked it.
"You shouldn't listen to her."
You shrug.
"I'm serious y/n. You're-" Ben stops talking.
"What?" You turn to look at him again eyes wide and open.
"Well you're-" Ben looks nervous again, tightening his hands on the dark jacket. He swallows. "You're not fat." Ben finishes.
"Well I don't think I'm fat Ben, but thank you." You can't help but be a little disappointed with his answer, you were hoping that he would say that you were beautiful.
My mother thinks I’m fat. You try not to wince when you think it, but instead you focus back on Ben.
"Alright, stay here. Try not to wake my parents up."
"Trust me that's the last thing on my mind doll."
*************************************************
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heartateasee · 1 month
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“Three”
Word Count: 9.6K
(Part three of ‘Goodnight and Go’)
⋆★★⋆
*It will be known when to play the above song during this chapter.*
*Three months after the engagement. Seven months until the wedding.*
I'm sitting in a chair in the corner of a bridal store, my eyes zoning out on the wall in front of me although I know there's movement happening all around.
Today was the day that Gwen would be picking out her wedding dress, and the bridesmaids would also be trying to figure out a style as well. I knew that she wanted me in a different color than her other five friends, which was fine, but I also hated standing out - especially on a day like that.
It's not until Gwen is stepping out of the dressing room with the first wedding dress she's trying on that I'm drawn out of my thoughts. My eyes scan over the dress, and I suck in a deep breath as I take it in.
This style of dress is one that I've always pictured myself walking down the aisle in.
"I don't like it," those are the first words I hear leave Gwen's mouth as she looks in the mirror, and as much as I feel relief, I also feel insulted - even though I know she doesn't know this is the design I've always envisioned. "It's just too...boho?"
I roll my eyes, and I sit up in my seat a little more as my mother looks over to me. "Carter," she whispers, and I look over to her. "I need you to be a little less obvious, honey."
My head snaps over to my mom, and I sit up a bit more straight in my chair. "What do you mean?"
"I can tell that you'd rather be anywhere but here today."
I sigh as I close my eyes, leaning my head back on the chair. "I just don't feel like getting yelled at over every little thing, even if I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong. I already know she's going to be over the top at the party tonight."
Gwen was already back in her dressing room trying on another gown - not even lasting a minute in the first one.
"You have to understand that she's under a lot of pressure with both work and the wedding," my mom tells me, and I try not to be angry with her for always defending Gwen, but I know in this case she is right. "Do I agree with the way I've seen her snap at you these past few months while planning? No, and I've talked to her about that when you're not around, but just try to be patient with her, okay? I've asked her to do the same with you."
I bite my tongue, wanting to explain that I never actually do anything to warrant Gwen being the way she is towards me sometimes, but I know that now is not the time or place.
"And think about Harry. He'd hate to know that his two most important girls are fighting."
That has me almost snapping. I hate when she brings Harry into the middle of Gwen and I having a disagreement. Whether it be her saying that he'd be upset to know we're fighting, or saying that one of us is going to feel uncomfortable being around Harry if we keep this up. I wish she'd leave him out of it. She knows that he's a weak spot for me - someone that I'd never wish to upset.
I hear gasps, and I look to see that Gwen has come out of the dressing room in a new gown.
This one is more her style. It has a large skirt with pockets, and a corset style top. It's a princess gown - just like she's always wanted.
My mom has already leapt up from her chair to head over to Gwen, and I finally push myself up to join them as well. I can hear how her friends are making over the dress as my sister stands and looks at herself in the mirror.
I pick up on the look in her eyes almost immediately. This is going to be the one she ends up choosing.
"It's beautiful," I tell her, and her eyes meet mine through the reflection. "You look gorgeous, Gweny."
She sends me a wild smile as she runs her hands over the front of the dress. "Yeah, you think, Carty?"
I send her a reassuring nod as I walk closer, placing my hands on her shoulders that were bare due to the corset top being strapless. "Absolutely. I remember the sketches you used to draw of your wedding dress when we were little. This is perfect."
Tears fill my sister's eyes, and she lifts one of her hands to rest on top of mine. "Thank you."
I press a kiss against the side of her head before I back away, giving my mom some time to talk to her as well.
The woman who was helping Gwen try on dresses comes back over after a minute, and Gwen is immediately telling her that she doesn't need to try any other dresses on - insisting this is the one.
It's clear there's going to need to be some alterations at the bottom because it's a bit too long, so they begin to measure that out as another young lady begins to gather options for bridesmaids dresses.
"Carter," I hear my name being called as I'm looking over the dresses, and I see Gwen peering over her shoulder at me. "You choose the bridesmaids dresses."
I was more than shocked to hear Gwen give me that type of control, especially when this was pertaining to her big day, but it also warmed my heart that she trusted me with this.
"Okay," I smile, turning my attention back to the rack of dresses with a look of concentration.
After looking through them a few times, I select three options, and the other girls and I give our size over to the worker so she can start getting them together.
I sit back down as we wait, and I pull my phone from my purse to see I have a text from Harry.
Him and I had been seeing each other a lot more lately since Gwen was in full wedding mode at this point. We hadn't hung out alone, however, since the day we toured the wedding venue. Gwen actually ended up going with that venue after touring two others - neither of them meeting up to her standards as much as the first.
From: Harry 11:14 am "How's the dress shopping going? Do each of you still have all of your limbs?"
I snicker softly to myself at his words, and I think back to the conversation we had yesterday when we were over at Gwen's to pick out what flowers she wanted. Harry said that he wouldn't be surprised if by the time we arrive at the engagement party tonight that one of us is missing an arm - the other a leg.
To: Harry 11:32 am "Surprisingly, yes. She's actually letting me pick out the bridesmaids dresses - believe it or not. But she already found her dress and, Harry, it's so beautiful."
My mom comes back over and sits in the chair next to me, and I see that she's dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. "That dress is just so stunning, isn't it?"
"It is," I agree with a nod. "It's just like the ones she's always pictured."
My phone vibrates again in my hand, but I don't have time to check it as I see one of the workers coming over to me with the three dresses I had picked out. I drop my phone into my purse knowing that I'll just have to respond to the text later as I get up from my chair - walking over to retrieve my dresses.
The bridesmaids and I go into our own dressing rooms, and I slip out of my clothes to try on the first dress. I run my hands over the material as I stare at myself in the mirror - lips pursed to the side. I'm doing my best not to let my emotions overwhelm me when I think about why I'm going to have to wear this dress.
Over the past few weeks, I've been trying my best to separate my feelings for Harry with the wedding, and I know how impossible that sounds, but I have to try. It's honestly helped that Harry and I haven't been alone anymore since we toured that wedding venue. With Gwen there, it's a lot easier for us not to fall into our old habits. As much as that separation pains me, it's necessary. I can tell that Harry has caught onto it a little bit - the little platonic touches that we once shared ceasing to exist lately.
He tried to pull me aside to ask if everything was okay last week when we were working on sending out their 'Save the Dates', Gwen having stepped away to take a business call.
"Is everything okay between us?" Harry had asked me, and I could see he was trying to catch my eyes as I addressed an envelope.
"What do you mean?" I responded, still keeping my eyes down - grabbing another envelope to work on to avoid the conversation.
I knew that I had never been one to close him off, and I had noticed his confused expression throughout the day when he would try to pinch me like usual, but I was constantly moving out of his reach before he could.
Harry sighed, reaching forward to take the envelope from me, and I had opened my mouth to protest but he cut me off. "You're acting weird, Carter. Did I do something?"
"I could've ruined that, you know? And then Gwen would've had my head for it," I laughed, trying to ease the tension but his sage colored eyes held something I had never seen when it came to him. Deciding to clear the air, I sat back in my seat a little bit, shaking my head. "You didn't do anything, Harry. Everything is fine, I promise. I've just been feeling a little off lately - nothing to do with you at all."
I hated lying to him, but it wasn't like I could tell him the truth.
"You know you can talk to me about anything, right? I'm always going to be here for you?"
My mind didn't even have the chance to process what he said at the time as Gwen entered the room again, sitting herself down at the table as we continued to work on the fancy stationery.
Kieran was still very adamant about me telling Harry everything, and she wanted me to do it soon. She said I needed to do it before it was too late. I know the longer I wait - the more confusing things will be. There's a part of me that nags at me constantly. It tells me that the longer I wait, the less time Harry will really have to extract everything that I would tell him, and it could end up causing a bigger issue.
I feel like if I tell him too close to the wedding it'll blow up in my face. He'll panic, and I think in that situation he would end up telling Gwen. I'm not completely sure, of course, but it's just an intuition that's been growing over time.
Stepping out of the dressing room, I see that the other girls are already out, and I realize that my thoughts had really caused me to get caught up. Gwen is looking at each of them, tapping the pad of her index finger against her chin as she tilts her head to the side.
"What do you think? There's two other styles I chose too," I explain because I can already tell that this one isn't doing it for her.
"I know I told you to choose them, but I'm not really liking this one, Carter. I'm sorry."
I shrug with a small laugh, shaking my head. "It's okay, Gwen. It is your day after all. We'll just try on the other ones."
The second dress was still not one that Gwen agreed upon, but thankfully the last one was. It was decided that I'd be walking down the aisle in a moss colored dress - the rest of the bridesmaids would be in a deep champagne color. When I saw the swatch of the color that my dress would be, my heart almost stopped right on the spot.
It was called 'Juniper', and it reminded me so much of the color of Harry's eyes.
I tried not to let my dazed expression linger on the stained material for too long, and when I came to completely, I let Gwen know that I loved the color. After that, I escaped back into the dressing room to change into the clothes I had worn to the bridal shop.
I walk back out after gathering myself, and I see that all the other girls have left - only my mom and Gwen left. Walking over to them, I send them a smile as I grab my purse from the chair I was sitting in. I sling it over my shoulder and then cross my arms over my chest.
"Carter, are you riding with your father and I to the party later?" My mother asks, and I shake my head.
"No, it's okay - I'll just take an Uber," I shrug, beginning to fish my phone out of my purse.
I see that I have a text back from Harry, but one from Kieran as well. When I open the message from Kieran, it's her telling me that she's come down with some sort of stomach bug, and that she won't be able to make it tonight.
"Oh no," I sigh, running a hand over the top of my head as I realize that I'm going to be stuck dealing with my emotions by myself tonight.
As I begin to text Kieran back, asking if I can drop off anything for her as I was still out, I hear Gwen speak up. "What's the matter?"
"Kieran's sick - said she's been getting sick all morning," I finish my text to her before opening my one from Harry, and I see that he was the one that had texted me back right before I got up to try my dresses on earlier. "She won't be able to make it tonight."
From: Harry 11:34 am "Oh, wow, not going to lie - that's a surprise. I'm glad that you guys are getting along though, I know how she can get when she's stressed. I can't wait to see her dress..."
"Wait, so she's just not coming?" I hear Gwen scoff, and I lift my eyes up from my phone - raising an eyebrow at her. "I made the reservation for the exact number of people."
"Did you not hear what I said?" I laugh in disbelief. I feel my face turning into a scowl, but I can't help. "She's been sick all morning, of course she's not coming. Are you serious right now?"
"Girls," my mom tries to speak up, but Gwen completely ignores her.
"You know, I only keep inviting her to all these things so you have someone to pal around with since you don't really have anyone except her and Harry. I wanted you to have someone there because we both know that Harry is going to be busy with me," Gwen walks forward, looking down at me as she is already taller, and today she has on heels. "Do I need to revoke her invitation to the wedding?"
My mouth gapes as she finishes speaking, and I can feel myself open and close it a few times - completely dumbfounded at the words she's just said to me.
"She's sick," I enunciate my words, not even caring what she's said about me. I'm mad that she's making so little over my friend. "I'm sure Harry would be more than understanding of that. Would you like for me to call him and explain instead?"
"That's enough," I hear my mom hiss at the two of us, trying to keep her voice as low as possible. "We are not doing this here. Gwen, the girl is sick - leave it be. Carter, don't throw her fiancé in her face like that."
My head snaps over to look at my mom, eyes widening in shock. "What? Am I wrong? You and I both know that Harry would be concerned about Kieran - not threaten to uninvite her to the wedding now."
"Carter, if you don't shut your mouth right now I'll-"
"You'll what?" I look at my sister again, anger flowing through me. "You'll do what, Gwen?"
Gwen keeps her mouth shut, nostrils flaring as she continues to try and intimidate me.
"That's what I thought," I whisper, lifting on my tiptoes a bit before moving around her. "I'll see you both tonight."
My hands shake as I force the doors of the bridal shop open, and I exhale a trembling breath once I'm out onto the street. I can feel my heart pounding against my chest - my adrenaline pumping through my veins. It's been a while since I had found myself getting so angry with Gwen, but the fact that she wanted to make such a big deal about Kieran canceling had me fuming.
As I walk towards my car, that's when I start to register the words that she said to me - throwing it in my face that Harry's attention would be on her at every event for the wedding. Did she really expect me to think that his attention would be on me? Of course it wouldn't. I'm so sick of this game she plays when it comes to Harry's attention.
Fuck, at this point it's not just his attention - it's also his affection.
I get into my driver's seat, tossing my purse into the passenger side as I run both of my hands through my hair. Giving myself a minute to try and calm down before driving, I hear my phone buzz, and I see Kieran has responded to me. She declined anything, saying that her girlfriend came over with a care basket just a few minutes ago, and she apologized again for missing the dinner.
Of course, I respond back and tell her not to worry about the dinner. I care more about her being healthy and okay than her forcing herself to go somewhere while she's sick.
Biting down on my bottom lip, I go into my contacts, and I hover my thumb over Harry's number. I want to get to him first. Get to him before Gwen.
I let instinct take over, clicking on the call button as I start up my car - having my phone switch over to Bluetooth.
"Hello?" Harry's voice sounds through my car as I pull out of my parking spot, and I feel a bit of pressure release in my chest.
"Hey, sorry, are you busy?"
"No, no," I can tell he's walking, the noise that was around him starting to fade. "Let me just get somewhere a bit quieter. I'm at the venue for tonight making sure that everything is set for the party - Gwen's orders."
I can't help but roll my eyes, but I know deep down that Harry is more than happy to do it for her. "Speaking of the party, has Gwen called you at all in the last five minutes?"
"She hasn't. Is something wrong?"
"Not necessarily no, and...I hate to put you in the middle of this, Harry, but-"
"Hold on a second, Carter," there's a beat of silence before he starts to speak again. "It's Gwen."
Sighing, I come to a red light, and I shut my eyes - leaning the back of my head against the headrest. I know that if he doesn't take this call from her that he'll end up getting the brunt of all of this, and I don't want that.
"Got it, uhm," I clear my throat. "Go ahead and take it. We'll talk later."
"You're sure?"
"Yeah, H, I'm sure. Now pick it up before you miss it. I don't want her getting angry with you."
"Alright, I can't wait to see you tonight."
"Me neither. Bye."
My eyes flutter back open just as the light in front of me turns green, and I suck in a deep breath. I should've just told him, but the last thing I want is Harry feeling Gwen's wrath. He doesn't deserve it.
And for the first time, I'm really starting to realize that maybe Gwen doesn't deserve him.
⋆★★⋆
My uncomfortable heels click across the foyer of the venue for tonight's engagement party. It's a large venue, with two different floors, and Gwen has the whole lower level booked out. I walk inside to see there's already a decent amount of people here.
I honestly don't care that I'm a little late.
Gwen wasn't going to pay attention tonight to me anyway, and I'm sure that my parents hadn't even noticed my absence due to them running around to take care of every little thing the bride-to-be wanted.
I let my eyes wander around to try to catch sight of my parents, or Gwen, but the first person I see is Harry.
He's caught up in conversation, but I can't help but admire him. His curls styled perfectly on the top of his head - dimples popping in his cheeks. His body is adorned in a pair of dark khaki trousers, a shimmery silver tank top and a white cropped suit jacket with black lining the neckline.
Butterflies erupt in my stomach with just how handsome he looks, and I feel my breathing stutter a bit - my knees buckling.
But then I remember why I'm here, and why we're both dressed up. We're not here for each other - not in that way.
Harry continues to speak, and I can see his eyes moving around as he does so. He's still polite, fully engaging in the conversation as his sight coasts over me. He looks away for just a moment before he double takes, and then he's honed in right on me again. I see his smile widen even more, turning completely to the person next to him for a moment, and before I know it, he's walking over to me.
I begin to walk towards him as well, fidgeting with my clutch in my hands. "Hi, H."
"Hi, Carter," his arms wrap around me like it's instinct, and I rest my cheek against his chest - arms around his waist. "You look beautiful."
I feel him plant a kiss to my hair before we separate, and I know my cheeks are on fire. "Thank you. You look handsome yourself."
My eyes catch sight of his swallows practically on full display with his cross pendant right between - a pearl necklace hugging a bit closer to her neck. I can see the flush coating his skin at my compliment as he shoves his hands into his pockets.
"Drink?" Harry tilts his head to the bar, raising his eyebrows at me.
"Please."
He slips one of his hands out of his pockets, hovering it over my lower back as we start towards one of the bars - one being set up on both sides of the room.
"What are we thinking?"
I purse my lips to the side, looking around quickly to see no sign of Gwen. "How about we sneak two Casamigos real quick? And then I'll take a Moscow Mule to drink."
Harry smirks at me as he leans against the bar. He orders our drinks before looking back to me with a shake of his head. "You wouldn't be trying to get me in trouble, would you?"
I scoff playfully, flipping my hair over my shoulder. "Of course not. What ever would give you that idea?"
Our shots and drinks get put on the bar, Harry getting a Mexican Mule for himself, and we quickly grab the shot glasses. We raise them in the air, our eyes meeting each other's.
"To your engagement," the words tumble out of my mouth before I can even register, and I know that my smile has dropped slightly.
Harry sucks in a deep breath, and we tap our glasses together - clinking them on the bar top as well before letting the clear liquid slide down our throats. I set my glass down while coughing slightly, grabbing my drink to wash down the taste.
"First one is always the hardest," Harry chokes, hitting his fist against his chest a bit as he mimics my action - sipping his own drink.
Once we both settle, we move away from the bar, but we're still slightly against the wall as more people begin to pile in. "Where's Gwen?"
"Something was going on with her hair," Harry sighs. "Your mother has been in the dressing room with her for about half an hour trying to get it straight. Your dad is currently with the head of catering to make sure everything is right."
I want to make a comment about how she has everyone running around for her, but I hold back.
"I'm guessing you wanted to talk to me about the Kieran situation earlier?" I turn to look at Harry, and he sends me a half smile. "That's why she was calling me while I was on the phone with you."
With my clutch now tucked under my arm, I look down at my drink - using the small little cocktail straw to stir it around. "I wanted to explain things before she called you because I knew she was going to. And I wanted to explain my side, and I know I shouldn't have brought you into it, but-"
"Carter," Harry laughs softly, bringing his hand up to rest on the back of my neck for a moment - giving it a soft squeeze. "I'm not mad at you. Gwen explained what happened, and I told her she should've handled it differently. If Kieran's sick, then she's sick. How's she feeling by the way?"
I stare at Harry with slightly wide eyes, not being completely shocked that he's so understanding, but I'm just a little surprised. He drops his hand away from my neck, tucking it back into his trouser pocket as he takes a sip of his drink.
"S-she's feeling okay," I stammer slightly, my neck still burning from his touch. "Her girlfriend came over to take care of her from what she said."
"Good, I'm glad, and don't worry - she's still very much invited to the wedding. I even told Gwen to let her bring a plus one since you'll be wrapped up with the wedding party most of the time."
My heart flutters as Harry speaks, and I try my best not to question how someone so caring is with someone like my sister. Gwen can be that way at times, sure, but she's nothing like Harry.
"Are you sure? Gwen said Kieran had to be my plus one, and I don't want to put you guys out. I know Kieran wouldn't want to either."
"We have plenty of room, remember? Need to fill it somehow," Harry sends me a wink, clearly alluding to the remark I made about the venue being too big just as I hear the fast clicking of heels. I look past him to see Gwen and my mom rushing towards us.
My stomach sinks, and I immediately feel myself stiffen at the sight of my sister. After what happened earlier, and knowing that she's already been flustered since being here, I'm preparing myself for the worst.
"Harry," Gwen practically gasps once she gets over to him. "What are you doing? You're supposed to be greeting everyone as they come in."
"Well, it's kind of hard to do that when it's just me. Everyone thinks I'm just open to being wrapped up in a conversation since you're not beside me."
Gwen looks at me, cutting her eyes a bit. "You could've given him a little direction, Carter, hm?"
I open my mouth to answer, but Harry speaks up instead. "Don't put this on her. She just got here anyway, and I've just finished setting her up with a drink. You want to go greet people? Let's go."
Harry's arm shoots out to wrap around Gwen's waist, and before she can think of speaking another word to me, they're heading towards the entrance of the room.
I feel my body relax once she's gone, but I can see my mother continuing to stare at me out of my peripheral. "What?"
"Be careful, Carter," her tone is dark, one that I haven't heard from her before, and I narrow my eyebrows before she continues. "I love you dearly, you and your sister both, but I've known about what you've been keeping down. I've seen it for years, and now is not the time to start letting it come out."
A knot forms in my throat with her words, and I do my best to swallow it down.
"You will not ruin this for your sister, do you hear me? You know that you've had all the time in the world to speak up - don't you dare to decide to do it now. I tried to be patient with you earlier, but enough is enough.”
I don't even have a chance to respond before she's walking away from me. I'm fighting to push back the tears gathering at my waterline, and as I turn to find the restroom, I walk directly into my father's chest.
"Pumpkin," he coos, a smile on his face before he studies me properly. "Hey, what's going on? Is everything alright?"
As much as I want to open up to him, and tell him about how it's basically been Gwen and my mother against me all day, I decide not to. My mother's right - I need to put my feelings aside for my sister.
"Y-yeah, dad," I force a smile onto my lips. "Just a little emotional is all, you know? For both Gwen and Harry."
I can tell that he's not really buying it, and he and Gwen are similar in that way. They can read people like an open book most of the time, so I know that he can see there's something else going on.
I've also been closer to my father than I have my mother. There wasn't really any reason in particular, both of my parents supported my art degree, but neither of them were too thrilled I chose to do tattooing with that. My father, however, has always been just the slightest bit more supportive. I've always felt like I could be more honest with him, and he wouldn't judge me for certain things.
"Alright," he nods at me, pulling me into a hug. I feel his lips against my temple before he talks again. "I know they've both been a bit much lately, your mother and Gwen, and just know I'm here if you need to talk about it."
Curling into him, I give him a nod as I hold my drink to my chest. "I'll be okay. I just can't wait until this is all over."
He chuckles, and I can't help but smile when I feel the rumble in his chest. "You and me both."
My father presses another quick kiss to my forehead before we unravel, and he orders himself a drink from the bar.
It's only a few minutes later that the DJ is announcing that it's time for everyone to gather at their seats as dinner is going to start being served.
As we gather around the main table, my parents are to the left side of Gwen, Harry to her right, and then Harry's parents to his right. I'm sitting directly across from Harry, the other bridesmaids filling out my side of the table on each side of me. I know that originally I was supposed to be directly across from Gwen, but now her best friend is sitting there. I'm sure it has to do with her being so unhappy with me today, but it's honestly a relief.
"Carter, dear, we haven't seen you in so long. How are you?" I hear Harry's mother ask me, and I send her a sweet smile as I sip the disgusting, and dry white wine that was served with dinner.
"I'm very good, thanks. About to finish my tattoo apprenticeship up, actually. I only have a month to go," I say, taking a quick sip of water to wash down the bad taste. "How are you guys? You both look wonderful. I can't believe it's been almost two years since we've last seen each other."
The conversation between Harry and I's parents continues for most of the dinner, and I see Gwen scowling every now and then out of the corner of my eye. At one point, my eyes had met Harry's, and I could see a gleam in them as he sent me a soft smile. I returned it, fighting the urge to reach across the table and swipe my fingertips against the back of his hand that was resting beside the copper mug with his cocktail in it.
I could feel the tension growing between Gwen and I throughout our time at the table. Anytime that she caught Harry and I speaking, she would make sure to put her hands on him in some way - trying to draw his attention away from me. Every part of me wanted to stand up and scream at her. I was on the verge of professing my feelings in front of everyone just to have it out in the open for all to see, but I knew I couldn't do that.
Mostly it wouldn't be fair to me, but it also wouldn't be fair to Harry.
Once dinner had finished, I found myself standing against one of the walls as the party continued. I was on my third cocktail, only having one more shot of tequila than the one that Harry and I did earlier. I was a bit buzzed, but nothing outside of my usual limit.
I searched around for either Harry or Gwen with my lip tucked between my teeth - seeing neither of them. Sighing, I sip down the rest of my cocktail and set the empty copper mug down on the bar before heading towards the restroom.
My eyes are on my feet as I walk, and in reality, I'm contemplating just calling an Uber and leaving early. This wasn't enjoyable for me in any way, and I'd rather just be at home.
A hand wraps around my wrist, and I gasp out in surprise as I'm pulled behind a halfway wall, separating the main foyer from the bathrooms and employee areas. Once I'm steady again, my sight sets on Harry who's giving me a cheeky grin - one hand behind his back.
"What are you doing?" I laugh, my face already aching from how hard I'm smiling.
He quickly whips a bottle of Casamigos from behind his back, and my jaw goes slack. "Harry, are you insane?"
Harry lets out a small giggle as he pops the cork from the bottle, carelessly tossing it to the side as he extends it out to me. "Maybe...I don't know. I figured we both could use a little pick me up, yeah?"
"Okay, yeah, I get it, but what if Gwen-"
"I'll deal with her," he cuts me off almost immediately, eyes set on mine.
My eyes dart between him and the alcohol for a few seconds before I look around to make sure no one else is around us. I snatch the bottle from him, and I bring it to my lips - gulping down a few sips with a wince. I shove it back into his chest as I push the back of my hand against my mouth to smother my coughs.
"Jesus," I choke as I watch Harry swig from the bottle as well, swallowing down my gag reflex that wants to show itself.
He lets out a loud 'ah' as he pulls the liquor from his lips - smacking them slightly. "Fuck, that's good."
"Weren't you the one asking me if I was trying to get you in trouble earlier? I think you were trying to deflect. Maybe you had the idea in your head to cause some chaos all along, hm?"
A loud laugh leaves Harry as he tilts his head back, and he's quick to snap his free hand over his mouth just as I'm reaching forward to do the same - his eyes wide. I let out a giggle as my hand clamps over his, and then I shush him softly. "You're going to blow our cover."
I can feel Harry's fist that's still clutching the bottle against my hip, my hand not covering his mouth falling against his shoulder.
For once, I don't try to hide the fact that my eyes are dancing all over his face, and I can see that his are doing the same. Our hands covering his mouth lower at the same time as we move a bit closer - chests almost flush against one another.
"Gwen!" I hear the DJ announce through the system, and Harry and I step apart. "We need the bride-to-be at the photo booth for pictures! Has anyone seen Gwen?"
I watch as Harry lifts his hand to run his index finger along the underside of his chin, and I begin to back further away. "I'm going to use the restroom."
He nods at me, but never once does he allow his gaze to fall away from my frame. "Yeah, I'll probably...I need to go back out there. I'm going to stash this under the table my parents are sitting at, okay?"
I can't help but let out another laugh at him, and I nod. "Okay, H, we can sneak it again in a little bit."
"Just like old times," Harry sighs, and before I can respond the DJ is calling for Gwen again.
"Hurry!" I encourage him with a fit of laughter, and he quickly darts out from behind of our barrier to hide the bottle before my sister sees.
I quickly make my way into the bathroom to disguise anything else that may seem suspicious, and with the way the alcohol is making me feel, I can't help but to keep giggling. It's like all of a sudden I'm transported back to the earlier days of Harry and I's friendship - when we'd be getting drunk at parties, but still being safe.
After heading into one of the stalls, I start to use the restroom as I hear the door open. I instantly hear female laughter before they begin to speak.
"Gwen is so irritated with her sister. It's more than obvious," I hear one voice speak, and I can tell it's one of the bridesmaids.
"I mean, I don't blame her. I understand that she and Harry were friends first, but it's apparent that her little sister is obsessed with him. If I was Gwen, I wouldn't even have her in my wedding."
Clenching my fists in my lap, I try to will away my tears for the second time tonight while they continue to speak.
"No, you're so right. I keep thinking the same thing," the first girl scoffs. "Maybe we should say something to Gwen?"
"I don't know. I think she's well aware of what's going on. Carter just wants Harry for herself. Fuck, if that was my sister, I'd..."
I flush the toilet to drown out the rest of their words, and I confidently walk out of my stall. The eyes of the two bridesmaids widen as I approach the sink farthest away from them - beginning to wash my hands. I recognize them both as girls Gwen chose that she went to college with, but I really don't even know them.
Grabbing some paper towels, I dry my hands off as I walk behind them, and I want to find it in myself to say something to them, but I know it won't be worth it in the end. I meet the eyes of one of the girls in the mirror as I toss my paper towels away just before I exit the bathroom. My eyes instantly latch onto the table Harry's parents are sitting at, and I know I need another shot to calm my nerves.
I sit down next to Harry's mother in an empty seat, and she sends me a knowing smile as I slide my hand underneath the table cloth to try and find what I'm searching for.
"How'd you know it'd be right here next to me?"
I laugh with a shrug as I feel my fingers brush against the bottle. "Because I know Harry would have plopped himself right down in this seat next to you. I know he's attached to your hip. I've never teased him about it ever, I hope you know, because I find it so sweet."
His mother lets out a loud cackle - so similar to Harry's when he laughs hard. "Well, you're not wrong about that."
Ducking down, I take a few sips from the bottle before stashing it away again, and that's when I hear the beginning of a song that instantly gets my heart jumping.
I gasp as I get up from my chair. Making my way through the room, my arms push amongst the crowd as my eyes search for the one person I need. I make my way to the middle of the dancefloor and I'm instantly met with Harry again - large smiles taking over our faces.
"Did you add this?" I ask, pointing up as his smile turns into a smirk.
"It wouldn't be a party without this song, now would it?"
The intro continues to play, but once the vocals come in, it's like Harry and I forget about everyone else. We're dancing and singing like we used to together - our movements sloppy, and uncoordinated.
"Oh, say you'll be there. I'm giving you everything. All that joy can bring, this I swear, ow."
Harry slides on the floor with his hands out, moving closer to me, and I can see that some of the people around us were clearing out - others around the party looking directly at us.
"Last time that we had this conversation, I decided we should be friends, yeah. But now, we're going 'round in circles tell me will this déjà vu never end? No. And now you tell me that you're falling in love well, I never ever thought that would be, hey. This time, you gotta take it easy - throwing far too much emotions at me."
Looking over to Harry, I see him shimmying just like he used to in college - bottom lip tucked between his teeth. For a moment, I have a flashback of him with his long curls tied back in a bun, and his body covered in tight black skinny jeans with a button up that would be barely buttoned.
I begin to not care about the people looking at us dancing together, and I can tell the alcohol was really kicking in. I almost want to rub it not only in those bridesmaids' faces, but also Gwen's face that my best friend was choosing to dance with me over anyone else.
"But any fool can see they're falling. I gotta make you understand. I'm giving you everything. All that joy can bring, this I swear (I'll give you everything). And all that I want from you is a promise you will be there. Say you will be there, ow Say you will be there, ah, won't you sing it with me?"
I feel one of Harry's hands on my waist, his other one moving to grab my hand as we dance lazily with each other. My head tilts back with a giggle as he begins to spin me for a bit before letting me go again, dancing separately once more.
"If you put two and two together you will see what our friendship is for, oh. If you can't work this equation then I guess I'll have to show you the door. There is no need to say you love me, it would be better left unsaid."
As the song starts going into the last choruses, I start to really register the lyrics, and I feel an ache start to grow in my chest. My movements slow down as I stare at Harry who still has a wide smile on his face as he dances across the floor - just as freely as I can remember from before.
Turning my head, I can see Gwen pushing through people out of the corner of my eye, and she eventually moves to stand right in front of us.
"What do the two of you think you're doing?" Gwen snaps at the both of us, but still keeps her voice just loud enough to where we're the only ones who can hear her over the music.
"What do you mean? We're just dancing, Gwen," Harry says as he starts to slow down as well, and I watch as my sister sends him one of the most pointed looks I've ever seen.
"This is our engagement party, Harry, and I come back from taking pictures and freshening up to see everyone standing around watching my fiancé and my little sister dance together?"
"Come on, it's not like that, and you know," I've never really seen Harry fight before like he is tonight, and it seems like the realization as to why hits Gwen and I both at the same time.
"How much have you had to drink?" She walks forward so that she's closer to his face, and I can tell she's trying to smell his breath. "Jesus Christ, Harry, you fucking reek of tequila."
Harry rolls his eyes, and I can start to feel anger rising in me as well. "Give it a rest," I speak up, shaking my head. "It's his party too, and he's just trying to have some fun."
Gwen now looks over to me, and I already know that I'm going to get a mouthful from her. "What the hell is your problem, Carter? You guys aren't in college anymore. You can't just keep trying to make him be that friend to you again. Are you doing this on purpose to try and embarrass me tonight or something?"
Now I'm the one to roll my eyes, and I can't even find it in me to answer her as I walk away. I snatch my clutch from the table where I left it as I head towards the door that leads to a small outdoor area - needing fresh air. I immediately feel the chill as I walk outside, and I open up my clutch to snatch my pack of cigarettes. I place one of the sticks between my lips before lighting it up, putting everything back into my clutch as I inhale - the nicotine filling my lungs.
I wrap my arms around myself to battle the cold, balancing the cigarette between my fingers by resting the heel of my palm against my bicep.
I should've known that Gwen was going to try and twist what was just going on into something that it wasn't. I can only imagine what she's currently saying to Harry, or the complaints that she's spewing to my parents.
With a shaky hand, I bring the cigarette back up to my lips as I hear the door I previously walked out of open behind me. I peer over my shoulder to see Harry, and I suck in a deep drag as he moves to stand right beside me.
"I'm sorry," he sighs, looking down to his feet with his hands in his pockets. "I didn't think us dancing like that was going to be such an issue."
I blow the smoke from my mouth before I respond, licking over my lower lip. "It's not your fault, H. We were just trying to have fun, and she wants this to be some over the top formal occasion, which it is, but she wants it to be so serious."
From the corner of my eye, I can see that Harry is eying my cigarette. I chew on the inside of my cheek as I extend my hand out - offering it to him. I knew that Gwen had made him quit smoking within the first year of them dating, and I wasn't sure if he had smoked at all since.
"You don't have to if you don't want to," I shrug. "I know it may not help your case tonight if you do."
Harry looks at the stick for a moment before he shakes his head. "Fuck it."
He takes the cigarette from me and brings it to his heart shaped lips, and I watch as the end of it glows bright orange. My eyes drop to his chest as it expands before he tilts his head back and blows the smoke up towards the sky. I see that his shoulders deflate, and I know that the nicotine is already starting to help him calm down a bit.
Looking back over to me, Harry's eyes trail over my stance, and he quickly raises his eyebrows. "Here," he says before tucking the cigarette between his lips. He shrugs his jacket off and walks over to me - wrapping it around my shoulders.
"Harry, you're going to be cold now too. All you have is a tank top on," I try to fight him, going to drag the jacket off my body but he holds it tight against me.
"I don't care about me," he says, cigarette bobbing up and down with his voice slightly muffled. "I can tell you're absolutely freezing, and I can't have that."
My heart palpitates at his words, his sage colored eyes meeting mine for what feels like the millionth time tonight as he keeps his hands on my shoulders.
This is all reminding me of a night back in college when we went to a local bar with friends, and I was beside myself. I wasn't really in the state of mind to be around everyone like I was, so I had dipped out to smoke a cigarette on the sidewalk to try and ease my nerves. Harry found me, just like he did tonight, and he realized right away that I didn't want to be there any longer. He immediately told our friends that we were leaving, and we ended up stopping by a gas station to brown bag a bottle of malt liquor in a park.
We were passing the bottle back and forth as we lazily swung on swings together, and eventually Harry could tell that I was getting cold. So reminiscent of what's just happened now, Harry wrapped his jacket around me underneath the moon and the stars - all while a cigarette dangled between his plump lips.
"Gwen might have a point, Harry," I tell him sadly, my lips twitching down into a frown.
Harry pulls the stick from his mouth after taking another drag, blowing the smoke through his nose as he sends me a questionable look. "What are you talking about?"
"Us, our friendship," my pulse begins to quicken as I speak - the words that are coming out feel as if they're burning my tongue. "Maybe I am just really trying to keep what we had when it was just us, and that's not fair. That's not fair to you, it's not fair to Gwen, and...it's not fair to me."
I can see anxiety pooling in Harry's eyes, and he closes the gap between us even more. Bringing his free hand up, he cups the side of my neck - the pad of his thumb grazing my jawline. "Carter, I know you're not trying to say what I think you're saying right now..."
It's obvious he wants to say more, but he trails off a bit. My bottom lip wobbles as I try to gather my thoughts. I know that I need to be careful in what I say next.
"I don't want to cause issues between the two of you. You're practically just starting the rest of your lives together, and I just keep getting in the middle."
Harry quickly flicks the cigarette onto the ground, snuffing it out with the toe of his shoe as he brings his other hand up to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. "You listen to me right now," his voice is low - causing a knot to form in my stomach. "I don't ever want to hear you try and sacrifice our friendship to please someone else. You got that?"
I lift up my hands to push against his chest, trying to pull away from him, but he pulls me right back in. “But Harry, it’s Gwen, she’s going to be your wife, and-”
"Carter, I'm serious," his tone is now pleading, and I see that his eyes are glazing over. "I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you in my life, and you saying what you said just now is scaring me shitless. Please promise me that you're not going anywhere. Not now, not after the wedding - never."
I remain silent as I blink, feeling tears beginning to streak down my cheeks. My brain is telling me to respond, but the squeezing of my heart is telling me that if I speak this could turn into a full on confession, and that's the last thing either of us need tonight.
"Please," he whispers, both hands moving to cup my cheeks with his fingers tangled into the sides of my hair. "I need you, and I know I may have had a shitty way of showing it lately, but I do. You're my best fucking friend."
And that's all I'll ever be.
Those words were about to creep their way out before the same door as before opens behind us, causing Harry and I to jump away from each other. He walks away from me while running his fingers over his lips that were pursed to the side, and I'm expecting at any moment to hear Gwen's voice.
But it's not hers that begins to speak.
"Carter," I cringe as I realize it's my mother who's made her way out here, and I suck in a deep breath before looking at her over my shoulder. "You need to go home. Now."
More tears begin to fall as I keep eye contact with her, shrugging Harry's jacket off my shoulders.
"And Harry," she continues as I look back over to him, extending his jacket out for him to take. "You need to get back inside. Gwen is a wreck, and you need to fix this."
Harry takes his jacket from me, slipping it back on as he looks at me. I can tell that he's still trying not to cry, and I'm sure that seeing my tears freely falling isn't helping with the emotions he's going through at the moment.
"For Christ's sake," my mother steps forward, and she's quickly grabbing my hand - tugging me away from Harry. "You're both adults, and you need to start acting like it. I don't know what I just saw when I walked out here, but I won't be uttering a word about it to Gwen. With that being said, you both need to do what I've asked right now. I will not repeat myself."
It's clear that Harry is very much battling himself as to what to do, so I make the decision for him. I give him a soft nod, choking down the lump in my throat. "Go inside, Harry. I'm going home."
Harry's expression becomes one of pain before he's looking away from me, his head hung as he heads back into the building - the music from the party bleeding outside for just a moment before it grows quiet.
"Mom, I can-"
"I raised you better than this," she tells me, her hand dropping mine so she can point her finger in my face. "Do you realize how selfish you're being? Do you realize the magnitude of your actions? I come out here to try to smooth things over, but instead I find you both with hands all over each other - as if I was interrupting something."
"It wasn't like that, I swear. I was trying to tell him that we need separation, but he got scared. He's scared to lose me, and I can't...I don't want to hurt him," I shut my eyes tight - my arms wrapping around myself once more. "He's my best friend."
"You and I both know that he's not just a best friend to you," she says sharply. "You need to grow up, Carter. You're acting like a child, and this game that you're playing stops tonight. Is that understood?"
As much as I want to argue that I'm not trying to play any kind of game, and that I'm just trying to hold onto something so dear to me, I give in.
"Yes, I understand," I hold back the sob rising in my chest as I open my clutch to get out my phone. "Don't worry, I'm going home."
Walking away from my mom, I quickly order an Uber as I walk around the side of the venue so I'm now at the front. My teeth chatter together as the wind picks up - crashing harshly against my frame. I close my eyes as I suck in a deep breath, processing everything that happened tonight.
I thought that I would have a few more months before my life completely changed, but it seems what just happened was actually the beginning.
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