#i have a friend whose hobby is digital photography and i just know from watching her

[protect-namine]

printed a bunch of photos today! some from my instax evo, some from my canon selphy. I used to think I don't like taking pictures, but it turns out I just don't like posting them online lmao. I like them better in my hands. also, something about the process of posting digital photos doesn't really suit me. I don't like tagging, I don't like editing, I don't like putting faces on social media. whereas printed photos kinda allows me to just point and shoot, you know? something about physical photos makes non-professional very amateurish photos look charming

[bryonysimcox]

You've Got to Look for the Good Stuff: Week 14, Spain

Like light is to darkness, this week has been an antidote to the last. My mood has lifted and the days have flown by, as lockdown continues and we do too.

Sunshine is a simple remedy. Each day this week has been warm and dry, if not bright and sunny too. It’s allowed us to live more inside-outside, which not only makes life easier but lifts my mood. It’s been a stark contrast to the constant rain and cold which dominated last week’s blog post.

I’ve also loved seeing pictures of children out in the streets and parks again, as Spain slowly lifts its coronavirus measures. It’s almost incomprehensible to imagine what it must be like for all these youngsters, many of whom have been cooped up in city-centre apartments with their siblings and parents for weeks and weeks. Even with the generous garden we have here and our weekly walks to the supermarket I’ve been going borderline insane, so I shudder to think how isolation has affected kids and their mental health.

Gaba Podcast live streams continue to punctuate my week. Adam Martin, whose podcast I mentioned in Week 10’s post, shares breathwork and meditative practices that have really helped me ease my busy mind. One of the things Adam talked about this week was what we consider to be ‘exercise’, in light of zealous Brits moaning that people sitting in the park, standing still in public and seemingly staring into space are breaking government-imposed controls around exercise. Adam argues that we consider sport and movement in open space an essential part to looking after our physical health, whilst ignoring the ‘exercise’ or psychological nurturing that our mental health deserves.

While this pandemic takes lives, we need to keep in mind the impact that social distancing is having on our psyches.

I titled this week’s digital diary entry ‘You’ve Got To Look Out For The Good Stuff’ because I’ve realised that there’s plenty of good stuff around, but quite simply, you’ve got to look for it. That might sound pretty obvious, but in comparing this week to the last, I can see that the main thing that’s changed isn’t my situation, but more so my mindset. Admittedly, the sunshine has made a huge difference, but apart from that, we’re still stuck in lockdown in Spain in the same physical, geographical and financial situation that we were in last week.

What’s caused this shift in mindset? Honestly, I don’t know. I think life in lockdown is making us act in all kinds of strange ways, cycling through an emotional spectrum so extreme we’ve rarely experienced it before and yet now feels like the norm. Tears, laughter, smiles and frowns easily paint my face in a matter of hours. So maybe my mood this week has just been luck. But as my shifted mindset has worked its magic, somehow I’ve seen and experienced little nuggets of ‘good stuff’. I hope that some of you have seen and enjoyed those nuggets too, wherever you are.

After rain left the road to the supermarket blocked, we finally made it to the shops this week, when the water subsided.

Perhaps fearful of another rainfall, this time we piled the trolley high in the local Aldi and returned home to stock up the cupboards. A plentiful fridge has resulted in some more cooking adventures - this week including George’s new specialty, Spanish omelette, and a new fave of mine too, veggie paella.

We picked and podded the final batch of broad beans this week, and helped to dig up the patch where they were growing to make way for the vegetables of the coming season: tomatoes, courgettes, cucumbers and peppers. One of the inadvertent blessings of being ‘marooned’ here in Catalunya has been to see and enjoy the changing of the seasons, and my interest in food growing and land management increases with them. George and I have always said we’d like to live in Spain in a self-built tiny house with a bit of land, and somehow we’ve landed in a situation right now that’s not far off! In addition to the vegetables we can get from the garden, I’ve been buying fresh eggs from the neighbour (often still warm from the coop!) which is a real treat.

(images, left to right) ‘Why simple changes [like growing food] are really profound’ a lovely illustration I discovered from Brenna Quinlan, George prepping the soil for tomatoes, and my new favourite thing to cook, veggie paella.

Food isn’t the only ‘good stuff’ to be grateful for. Since I mentioned Simon Mair’s article in my post from Week 11, I’ve been researching ‘Ecological Economics’ and its potential to lead us towards more just and sustainable ways of living. That research finally came to a head this week, when I had the pleasure of interviewing not only Simon himself but also friend and futures thinker from Mumbai, Mansi Parikh.

Making a video about alternative economic futures which address some of the challenges posed by Covid-19 is turning out to be a bit of a challenge in itself!

The interviews with Simon and Mansi were utterly fascinating, and I was so grateful to be able to talk to two super knowledgeable folk, who like me, are passionate about the future and how we can make it better. They shared their time and their insights, and now I’m left with over 150 minutes of recorded zoom calls to make sense of!

I want to use these interviews to make a video which engages people who perhaps wouldn’t usually be interested in economics, without ‘watering down’ the message or intent of the film. It’s such a hard balance to strike, to create something which is at once accessible and engaging but also rich with ideas. As the week progresses, I’ll start editing the footage and hopefully the narrative of the video will reveal itself.

One of the best things about making a new video is the chance to do loads of research! There have been so many articles which have got my brain buzzing, from ‘no-growth’ economics to deliberative democracies, and I’ve also just started reading ‘Fully Automated Luxury Communism’ which is a manifesto for a post-Capitalist future. Even if this research doesn’t directly inform the video I’m working on, it serves to inspire me. I’ve actually found myself a few times this week almost overwhelmed by how much interesting media there is out there to consume, and often just resort to adding thing to my ‘read later’ list, or quoting my favourite gems on Twitter.

(images, left to right) Recording interviews with Mansi and Simon, and my latest reading project...

The realisation of a project we began in January, ‘Place Portraits: Episode 1’ was finally released this week.

George had the idea a while ago to create a video series exploring cities and places through analogue photography. Whilst it was a super simple idea, we thought these short, laid-back videos would contrast with some of the longer-format stuff or more informative films we’re hoping to upload on the Broaden YouTube channel.

Back at the start of our trip we shot on a roll of Kodak Portra 400 and Fujifilm C200, using the trusty Pentax that was once George’s dad’s camera. We’d had the photos back from the processing lab for a while, but have only just completed the edit and got the film online, which is such a nice feeling. We’ve had some lovely responses to the resulting four-minute video, and I’ve especially valued constructive feedback so we can start to think critically about what Episode 2 might look like.

(video) Place Portraits: Episode 1 - Paris

Since ‘The Hundred Miler’ hit 90K views this week (which in and of itself is pretty nuts), I knew I had to temper my expectations about how many views we’d get with Place Portraits. Even though it’s not far past 200 views, each and every one of those views counts and I’m chuffed to see it finally online. Watching Broaden’s audience slowly grow has also served as great motivation to submit The Hundred Miler into film festivals, a process which we started this week.

There’s probably plenty more good stuff which deserves to be celebrated, but the one which can’t go unmentioned is of course the company of others.

Embracing what has become a routine activity for many of us these days, I’ve spent some cheerful hours on phonecalls and videochats to others across the globe.

This week included a three-way call between Ireland, Australia and Spain with dear friends that George and I used to live with catching up on career plans, cats and newfound hobbies. I also enjoyed a game of movie charades (which involved some impressive commitment from some people!) and even attended an evening of ‘drag queen bingo’. These digital hangouts leave me asking ‘Would I be connecting with friends and family this much if the world wasn’t in a global pandemic?’ and I think the answer would be no.

(images) Just some of the beautiful humans that feed my soul.

I’m grateful that these human connections are now much more of a priority. In being restricted to a simpler and more isolated way of living, we’re certainly reassigning value to the things that matter. That’s something which I’ve found from making the economics video and learning about the idea of value, but also something I’ve felt in a visceral way when a phone call with my parents or a friend leaves me beaming.

There’s so much good stuff out there, you’ve just got to be open to it.

[trishuang-blog1]

but i see a lighthouse in the distance calling my name ; but i can't get there 'til i go through all of this pain. there's a glimmer of hope like an exhale of SMOKE in the sky; and sometimes you drain out all the shit that used to feel right.  (  empty swimming pools.  )

general info

full name: tristan huang ( birth name: huang chen-jui)

nickname(s): most usually call him by his name or tris

gender & pronouns: cisgender male / he/him

sexual & romantic orientation: bisexual demiromantic

age & dob: twenty-three / august 23rd

birthplace/hometown: new york city, new york

parents/siblings: - timothy huang (†), father - lanhee huang, mother - michael huang, older brother 

astrological sign: virgo

dominant hand: right

handwriting style: he’s got a heavy hand so his handwriting tends to come off rather dark with whatever tool he’s using. since he can write in both english and korean, just click the links and you can see an example of each!

language(s) known/spoken: english (first language), fluent in korean

religion: athiest

current living arrangements: he’s living in a two bedroom apartment, who he currently shares with minhyuk.

occupation/major: employed as the lead photographer for a local magazine, has a bachelors in digital photography

appearances

picture reference: 1, 2, 3, 4

blood type: a

nationality: american

skin tone/color: his skin tends to stay more on the fair side, but if you keep him outside long enough he’ll gain a lot more color and develop a darker tan than usual.

birthmarks & scars: n/a

height: 175 cm / 5′9″

build: lean, lightly toned, generally rather skinny

hair color: brown

hair length: it’s long enough to cover his forehead when his bangs aren’t styled but he keeps it trimmed and just short enough.

eye color: brown

eye shape: example

diet: tristan doesn’t really go out of his way to diet himself or limit himself on what he eats. he’s always been able to eat everything and anything and still not show it on his body. most of the time he’s eating fruits and noodles though, meats when he can afford them.

exercise & level of fitness: he used to work out more when he lived in the states, especially while in college, but hasn’t done so in awhile. 

how’s their posture ( or lack thereof )? he tends to be pretty controlled with his posture. most would look at the way he holds himself and see it as composed. the only time he’s ever slouching or slumping around is either at home or when he’s distracted on his computer editing (he tends to lean forward after awhile and get closer to the screen to focus better)

typical style of dress: very casual and comfortable. tristan hates being in any clothes that he can’t lounge around in for hours. has a big love of jean jackets. when he’s at home its the most casual he can get (aka probably a t-shirt or hoodie with shorts/boxers) but as for work he tends to actually try and dress with some kind of style. examples: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

body modifications: he’s got both his ears pierced. double lobe piercings on both as well as a cartilage on his right ear, that has a simple hoop in it. he’s also got a frenulum tongue piercing that he got when he lived in the states. he wears it daily and most don’t seem to notice it since it’s hidden.

body language and mannerisms

how does your muse walk? he tends to have a rather laid-back stride to the way that he moves. if his hands aren’t busy holding something (usually his camera or phone) then he’ll have them shoved in pockets or anything he can to not have them hanging down by his sides. he’s a bit of a fast walker as well without really meaning to be. most would think he’s in a rush most of the time!

how does your muse talk? he’s got a calm tone of voice almost always. tristan can’t even remember the last time he actually raised it or yelled at someone. when he’s speaking english he doesn’t even think twice about how he’s talking and tends to speak rather fast, but when he’s speaking in korean he’s a little slower and more paced, as if he’s making sure the words he’s saying are correct. there are a lot of ‘um’ and ‘uh’ that slip in between words when he starts struggling.

what accent/dialect does your muse talk with? he definitely has more of an americanized dialect when he speaks korean, and he has a bit of a new york accent when he speaks english as well.

how high (or low) is the tone of their voice? are they loud or quiet? his voice is kind of in the middle - probably a little more low than it is high, but his tone is always even and he’s never loud.

what is their laugh like? it’s lighter than his normal tone of voice. a bit more bubbly, giggly and energetic when he does it. he’s actually got multiple laughs and they all just kinda come out depending on how much a situation is actually funny to him. he’s also prone to laughing silently and using his entire body to show it when something is particularly funny to him! (honestly just look up vids of mark’s laugh and there you go bc that’s legit tristan’s laugh)

how does your muse typically smell? he’s actually a pretty clean person, but also doesn’t actively use things like colognes and what not unless its a special occasion. he uses a hair + body wash called “mahogany wood” that is described as fresh mahogany, bourbon vanilla and golden amber. so there you go i guess.

what kind of air do they carry? are they intimidating? tristan is probably the least intimidating person you can meet. he comes off pretty quiet when people first meet him, although he’s nothing but kind and encouraging when you try to talk to him. he has an aura of gentleness to him that can affect those around him. once you get to know him though he’s still all of the things above just with a bit more of his quirky nature and sense of humor thrown into the mix.

psychology

what makes your muse happiest? he’s probably the happiest when he’s with other people whose company he enjoys. tristan, when by himself, can become a little caught up in nostalgia and get a little lost in his head. he’s a lot more forlorn when he’s alone, so when he’s with people whose energy can push that part of him away and make him smile, he’s genuinely happy to be with them. photography used to bring him happiness as well but his muse has wavered over the years due to the death of his father, but his heart still reaches for it when he needs to distract himself, and he’s sure he’ll find his happiness for it once more.

what upsets them the most? being shut out is probably the biggest thing that could upset tristan, that or being lied to, but even regardless of those two things its very hard for him to hold onto a grudge or stay angry. he was angry and bitter for far too many years in his past and because of the things that happened back then, he finds that he’s a little too eager to forgive sometimes, if anything to be a little easier on his heart. but when he’s upset it’s because his feelings genuinely got hurt. but most only have to talk to him and things get figured out.

does your muse have any quirks? he tends to bite his nails when he’s nervous or worried about something, he’ll also get lost in thought and end up with one of those wide-eyed, staring off into the distance expressions. he also has a habit of jiggling his leg when he’s trying to focus or very into his work and photo editing.

what are their hobbies? how frequent do/can they do them? taking pictures, editing pictures, exploring new places, hanging out with friends, binge watching tv shows or marathoning movies, learning and practicing his korean, trying out new places to eat. when tristan isn’t working he’s either at home lounging around or out with the multitude of friends that he has made. so he can hang out rather frequently.

do they have any guilty pleasures? tristan would be that person who would openly state that nothing that he enjoys is something he’d feel guilty about.

is your muse an extrovert? an introvert? neither? definitely an introvert.

do they have high or low self-esteem? what about confidence? tristan has never dealth with self-esteem issues. he’s never really been worried about what other people think about him and has kind of marched to his own drum while growing up (which had gotten him into some tricky situations but he learned from them), but he’s also not overly confident either. i guess the best word for it would be he’s comfortable with himself and how he looks and who he is.

are they easily stressed? how do they respond to stress? he’s not easily stressed but once he finally gets to the point of stressed, his anxiety gets triggered pretty easily and its hard for him to calm down from it all. but it’s doubtful that anyone would actually even be able to know when he’s stressed out because he won’t want to openly show that. he’ll figure it out on his own.

what is your muses worst fear? abandonment, being left by someone he cares deeply for. it used to be the ocean but you know, sometimes life changes that shit.

what is your muses biggest dream? tristan doesn’t have any big dreams. if someone were to ask him that question he’d be the embodiment of ???? because he wouldn’t know how to answer it. he’s never been a dreamer and it will probably stay that way for awhile.

is your muse an early riser? a night owl? definitely an early riser but he’ll stay up late as well regardless of how early he has to get up.

how intelligent is your muse? do they acknowledge it? tristan is actually both very book smart as well as street smart. he did very well in school and had a natural ability to just pass tests with good grades and seem as though he barely studied for them, but it has more to do with his ability to retain information very well and just simply remember things. studying wasn’t ever an issue because he had to read through it once and then it all just clicked. he doesn’t outwardly acknowledge stuff like that though because there isn’t any point to it. he’s very good at remembering things. that’s legit the godsend that got him through schooling. as for street smarts, he liked to call it having common sense.

what is their sense of humour like? it doesn’t take much to make him laugh. honestly, it doesn’t. but he finds people with loud, energetic, and boisterous personalities to be naturally funny all on their own and he vibes well with them because of that. people with funny habits or personalities will make him laugh. he also finds sarcasm funny and any types of dry humor or witty commentary. 

relationship tendencies

what’s their sexual orientation? what about romantic? his sexual orientation is bisexual, he has always been attracted to both sexes. his romantic orientation is demiromantic, meaning that tristan really does not develop feelings for people unless he knows them on a personal level where he’s connected emotionally. developing a ‘crush’ was practically unheard of for him. he either had no feelings or he had all of them, and it was only ever with certain people who he felt completely comfortable and bonded with.

are they currently in any sexual or romantic relationships? while he’s in no romantic relationships, he does have sexual relationships (wow kids cover your ears) from time to time if he’s feeling interested enough in it. as of right now he is in one sexual relationship.

what is their experience with relationships? he’s had small ones here and there while growing up but never anything serious. he can’t even really count the girls and few guys that he’s dated and messed around with as anything even close to what someone would consider a ‘relationship’. he’s just never really been attracted or interested in someone enough to go for it.

how does your muse view the idea of friends with benefits? have they ever had one, or would they ever? tristan views the idea of friends with benefits as something that nobody should really be developing opinions about if it’s none of their business. he’d be a bit of a hypocrite anyway if he ever chastised someone for having a fwb relationship because he’s in one right now. it’s working out well. they are always going to be more friends than anything else, and that’s whats important to him.

sex, is it important to your muse? it’s not what tristan looks for when it comes to romance or what he’s seeking. he does like sex a lot, obviously, but it’s not going to determine anything in his head. it’s important but its not everything.

what are their biggest turn on and turn offs? for turn ons in general its a sense of humor that usually gets him, but he’s also very attracted to eccentric personalities and people who are truly and wholly them. he’s also got a thing for smiles and little quirks. for sexual turn ons he’s big on teasing and marking. dirty talk and encouragement. he’s a switch so whatever position he takes it really doesn't matter, but he’s also a huge pleaser when he’s on top and as long as the other receiving it is enjoying it and showing it, then that’s a turn on as well. as for turn offs it would be things like rudeness, bad attitudes and aggressive behavior, and it would be that way sexually as well. 

does your muse find it easy to make friends? being as nice as he is naturally, it’s not hard for tristan to make friends when he really goes out of his way.

how important is friendship to them? friendship is everything to tristan. it’s what has gotten him through some of the darkest days in his life. it’s what has gotten him through his move to seoul and what has gotten him to where he is now. he’s honestly nothing without them.

quantity or quality of friends? quality. there is no question about this.

how important is family? family is important to him, it always will be, but it’s not what he needs right now or anymore.

are they close to their family? why or why not ? tristan used to be close in the normal sense of them being a family and doing family things together, and he has fond memories that he holds onto and likes thinking about sometimes, but they were never close. he barely knew his older brother, his father was more of a stranger to him than he ever realized, and his mother was just lost. after his brother moved away and his father died, it’s really only been tristan and his mother, who he left in new york to start over for his own sake. he’s close to her and he loves her and calls her every few days to check in on her and make sure she’s doing alright, but his whole family concept has been shattered and is a little beyond fixable now.

headcanons

tristan had a very bad habit of smoking cigarettes and doing drugs while in high school, as well as drinking and doing anything illegal that he could just for the thrill of it. he smoked actively up until a month before he moved to seoul - part of his whole ‘clean slate’ mindset and want to start over. he hasn’t touched a cigarette since, nor any drugs, and drinks alcohol only socially now.

he was diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder in high school and when that comes out to play from time to time, he suffers from insomnia really badly as well.

he is not a good swimmer. at all. it’s why he used to (still is) afraid of the ocean or just open water in general. his ass would drown in a second if it’s too deep.

he’s never had any pets. but he loves animals.

he’s got some bad fucking allergies that like to flare up with the season changes. catch him with a face mask literally 24/7 and popping antihistamines like they’re going out of style. he also develops an allergy-induced asthma when this happens so he has an inhaler for emergencies. he’s very miserable for the first few weeks of new seasons.

if he had to choose between sugary foods or salty foods, he’d choose salty every single time.

once he finally falls asleep he barely ever moves. legit, he stays in that one spot that he fell asleep in and doesn’t roll around or anything. he may shift from time to time but usually he’s a damn log once he’s out.

he saves pictures forever. he’s got thumb drives full of pictures and they’re all dated/labelled so that he knows what they are. is that considered hoarding? or more like organized hoarding? who knows. but it’s legit in the thousands.

[my-heart-is-but-a-gentle-moon]

Just Dance // Silent Disco !!!!! I danced like the raven and Rue from Ahiru

THE TALK WITH HALLIE WAS SUPER FUN!!!!!!!! We talked about her galas (Charity fundraising ones ! Reminded me so much of the RFA Christmas Charity Event !!) and her pretty dresses 👗

And of her occasional love for Metallica and Metal Bands and their strange and similar calming effect with Opera.

!! She used to disco dance too - she was pretty embarrassed about it and hasn’t really told much of anyone about it - But wow that makes it really special to me >///< !

This is what brings me peace !

Silent Disco!

The Wind Activation 💗💞💗💖💗💘💗 !!!

She’s like a magical source of information!

I’m pretty sure Hallie is also an empathic, highly sensitive person - and this is why she treasures her alone time, despite what mom might say. It probably drained her too ^^’.

Our talk was amazing! And it all stared by me sharing how I was dancing on my own 💗💞💓💞❣️💗 The Magical Raven

Mashups. Collaboration. Singing, writing, dancing, poetry, prose, photography..!

They need me to be vulnerable, to be deep in my truth and the way I see and feel my own truth ((Clarity and unconditional love))

As a child I really really loved singing.

Joyfully, in front of others, share it.

Be bold, be brave with it in my life.

To attract someone in my joy, not in my pain.

Only the happily single can find true love.

Collage and digital photoshop/design.

Yoga/Chakras Anodea Judith

In the amusement park I did see a guy with a professional camera and I Was actually taken by that :O..

It then made me think about Jihyun though. He preferred the camera and photography because he didn’t feel good enough and like he’d be judged and criticized for his own artistic self expression too.

Regarding hobby passions - Be loyal to what you love (Doggo barking in the background) - I’m still looking for it - what makes me happiest creatively, I’m actually kind of looking forward to more of my single life right now - Victor Oddo ‘His daughter was upset, angry at what she perceived was a mistake (filling the tub with orbeez and doin’ the orbeez challenge n then getting sick) and he responded with ‘nonono! You did amazing, good for you ! You took action towards what inspired you at that moment. Every time you fall, every time you ‘make a mistake’

Chakras - 17:00

I envision my muscles healthy and strong, with the ability and knowledge to protect myself with the gifts of the universe and my own willing effort.

And the fierce, clear, firm yet compassionate courage to find and speak the truth of my needs and emotions with clarity and confidence.

I Hold My Body Sacred -> Healthy High Vibrational Food, Exercise and Humming/Singing, silent disco dancing. Self Respect to say No to what bothers me or is uncomfortable for me. Massage and Water Heat.

Grounding with sea and sun. 💓.

Yuval said I had phenomenal English. Mom back then told me I was intelligent, always striving for knowledge, I am spiritual and empathic - though I Am wounded right now. What lessens the pain is understanding where they come from, even when you decide and express that that type of behavior is not for you.

I Follow My Heart -> Daily journaling of my feelings, thoughts and what in life affects me, developing and exploring my artistic side?

From black and white thinking to the complex duality of gray within us all. Pray for those we resent, as they are struggling too. But know what serves us and what doesn’t with clarity.

Hallie’s mom’s dress reminded me of an ash faerie -> It really inspired me and reminded me of the Phoenix rising from the ashes ! I also encouraged her ‘You can always make your own little private ballroom, pour a lil champagne, wear your dress, feel pretty and dance to whatever songs you love, humming and singing along to them. 💗💓❣️💘 Just for yourself’ -> I allow my inner divine child to do this too.

We had a really great talk ! Yuval suggested I watch the HaGashash -> add more happiness and laughter and joy to my heart.

I nurture this funk/groove/magical lullaby classical dancer -> shapeshifter of animals, crow, raven, flowers, swan, groovy whatevemebob Just as I used to in my 2AM dancing in the living room, with the moon and my headphones 💗💞💗.

In Jihyun’s route it was all about Unconditional Self Love after the wreckage..

I don’t think I’m actually in love right now. A symbiotic attachment to the label of twin flames? The sentiments of our past? As well as the repel to that? My own divine masculine and feminine are still wounded - knowing and fearing that they’re not ready for a relationship yet.

No. I went through meditations to heal that fear. Now I’m feeling a little tense still, like right now it would be draining, I’ve looked into the situation you’re in right now, Jumin.. There are, hm. I’d still like to hold onto the hope of a future for us together, I do....I’m still not sure if those are because of sentiments to the past or ?? God. Not knowing makes me kind of anxious. I still care about the betterment of your life because of course I still really care about you.

Maybe there’s more held within me that I don’t know of yet? I’m not sure if it’s good or bad :x

I need to connect to my Archangels too, to really understand it a lot deeper. Within my own family and with this situation I’m in right now.

I do know that my hobbies are a main thing I wish to cultivate right now !

Because of my anxiety? I feel like he’s not ready yet and I do not wish for a re-run of what happened. I lowkey also kind of feel like we’re holding onto something that brings us pain and that isn’t good for us either?

Though city life does not suit what I envision for my future. I definitely envision a cottage and a garden safe haven, and Forest animals for sure ! there are photographs I took that lift me up and I’m thinking about getting back to digital collaging

But I feel that there are..Like...hmhghhh How do I say thisss..Like you’re still caught up with old habits? Autopilot? You are really caring to your surroundings and I did read that you Are aware of your need to meditate and look within yourself, which I’m proud ^^ !

But need to let go of your previous programming that are holding you back from being your truest self? (I am in the process of doing so as well ^^’)

What are hobbies you wish to get into that will bring you joy? How would be best for you to manage your time so you’ll still have time to connect to your own self and to the divine?

It’s draining but because Jumin is still such an important person of my past that I still care about from afar right now, I wish for him to be able to do well in his life..

And Regarding Saeyoung..with ‘nothing to lose’..I feel like..I would regret not being able to spend time with Saeyoung if he were to leave..Not out of ego, but like an overarching cloud of grey, electricity of lightnings in my heart and a wallowing abyss of what could’ve been. .... Best friend....Ow. Okie: I can feel thorns happening from these expectations - knowing how it would hurt him..

But he has been such a treasured support...And I realize, I know how he’s so much more than that ! orz

And..you know. Maybe it is foolish. Foolish to try and hold onto the 0.000000001% of hope for life but I still think it’s worth it. To continue holding onto life. It’s just like in Jihyun’s after ending where you really, really nearly gave up all hope - But Vanderwood and even I was at the very same mindset ! To finding Saeran ! !!! And, you did in the end ! The divine is always there to give guidance :o ! I’ve been relying on them quite a bit too, even with the uncomfortable sensations that I’m still trying to figure out and let go of??

It’s trueee...;;;..I have wallowed too much in carrying around my mistakes??? And grudges and hurt I wanted to heal and bury but didn’t know how?? I felt obligated to carry out Forgiveness as that is what God would want and because of a genuine desire to have the connection turn lighter. To love and pray for even those who’ve hurt us..By trying to understand where they come from too.

Of course it doesn’t mean I should stay as a ‘Yes complier’ always. I am planning to first develop my own healthy boundaries ! ònó

And the dream I have that I’m not willing to give up on is living close to nature, the thriving, luscious forest and the crystal clear, flowing ever sparkling blue lake, gardening - wild bushes and succulents all around...

Worms ! Are definitely important in decreasing organic food waste and creating a very mineral nutritious soil for the plants 💗💞💖💘 AA! I can already imagine the delight of singing to them TvT !!

And both close and connected to the divine together ! A person whose values towards the universe match mine !

..

She’s right. That kind of lavish lifestyle isn’t for me. City life, lavish parties, clubs, drinks, or jealous/controlling patterns. It brings back my childhood patterns and inner wounds. As mine do to his. But again, when we are both more balanced within ourselves - just like in the video of ‘Why you will marry the wrong person’ - No person is ever, well,

Not because he doesn’t deserve forgiveness and understanding and prayers for his pain and struggle and in overcoming those, but because his lifestyle does not suit what I envision for myself.

I also don’t feel like he’s comfortable in his own essence yet ? Like he hasn’t filled that hole within himself with the new sides of himself he wishes to build, rather than filling it with booze, work or, well. Relationships/sexual endeavors, perhaps he’s still caught in trying to fill himself with his arranged marriage girl?. Those are addictions that are hard to let go of, I agree - Just like Saeyoung with his own as well.. The positive side is that most people in current society Are very tempted by distractions - Of course I don’t wish for infidelity, as no one should nor deserves to go through that.

But Even I was, with anime too. It was inspiring though and motivated me when I was in high school! I’m not gonna lie and say I’m not tempted to rewatch some of my favorite ones. I was also, well. I’m overcoming the desire/need to receive external validation.

But the divine can really shed light on what we can do to better our own situation, and our own..inner look within. And actually following what hobby type of endeavors each wants to go on.

I read that Jumin was really working hard..Taking care of business and everyone in his life.....Trying to escape his mind..? To feel worthy by doing and accomplishing? I’m sure he’s working hard. .. I just feel like he, might not be tending to delving into his inner workings with the help of the divine more?

(!! The reading just now told me that you know that you need to do that. I’m proud of your inner knowing ! - But it is important to know that now is definitely not the time.)

Looking towards our future as individuals (it is important for me to say as individuals first) and how to build to that in the now moment !

I was also .. Hm.. Those were pretty dark matters within my own family. I’m on the path to understanding the complexity and my own handling of other’s grey and multifaceted areas, as well as my own.

Well, especially my own right now. Creating better habits..!

I am still balancing my own and pursuing new hobbies for myself (Gardening! Photography! Spirituality! Silent Disco :O ! Self Betterment !) and wish to have my future coupling be with someone who’ll expand with me spiritually, who’d be dedicated to that path with me.

I still feel rather rigid and repelled in regards to connecting with Jumin right now. It doesn’t feel like, he’s ready or balanced with his own essence yet.

I am still progressing in slow steps towards my own betterment as well.

What stops me from progressing things with Saeyoung despite him being such an incredible person in my eyes? And maybe Saeyoung doesn’t care if he dies but even while I’m caring for my own schedule and healing and hobbies - But of course I do..Of course life does, of course the divine does !

What’s holding Saeyoung back from hope? Cynicism? His situation in the agency?

If I reset the game and go through Jihyun’s forgive ending where you two reunite and Jihyun doesn’t die and causes a hell of a lot of grieving in Jumin’s side of things - and you are out of the secret agency and working in C&R instead and have a way better life there for yourself, would that be better??

I’m not in love with Jihyun, nor do I really have a crush on him or anything, he really is more of like, a soul partner and I share a kinship with him in regards to life and plantation and art - deep platonic coupled with intrigue? but it is the best ending in my opinion for everyone involved.

I really do admire his growth there too.

The way Saeran heals there and !! You know ! Miracles can definitely happen !

Not only in computer games, but there are people who’ve accomplished their dreams in National Geographic too!

And it’s hard for me too, I agree But there is also the saying ‘Shoot for the moon! If you miss, you’ll become one of the stars’ !

And, I am also still holding hope towards Jumin’s strength in bettering his own situation. Sending out a big ‘You can do it!’ ‘I believe in you!’ from the heart to Us all !

I was influenced to do so thanks to Mary Jane and it reminded me a lot of Ichigo’s heartbell from Tokyo Mew Mew and I also just - Really did wish deep down to encourage !

Why am I cautious to commit? I don’t. Know yet what the future holds for me romantically and I’m not sure where Jumin stands, nor am I looking to get cheated on again, and lifestyle wise I’m not willing to give up on my dreams of living next to nature and animals and gardening and flower pressing, have it incorporated to witchcraft too ! for my whole life and again, a life where my partner and I are both highly connected to the divine and Art ! (yes, even when it’s a work in progress in my own life ^v^’)

Foolish? Maybe. But I also know that now is not the time to reunite.

I can’t save everyone. Stick to my own values and biggest dreams.

The lifestyle I wish for is village life, lakes, cultivating and nourishing ecological gardens - A safe haven of natural life ! Bunnies, squirrels, fireflies, some bees, proper protection from wasps and mosquitoes and the like ! Succulents !! Pretty flowers! Recycling natural food with harmony in worm composting..! (Still a slow pace venture in regards to that ! But I will ! Their help is necessary for my highest vision !)

Saeyoung is sweet and charming and funny and supportive and wise, sometimes bitter and handles some really heavy things as well - sometimes dorkily awkward and insecure - I really admire him - but romantically it’s like..I still feel awkward about it? Like, my feelings of romantic attraction aren’t there?..; part of me also doesn’t wish to hurt Jumin. .... Breathe. Center yourself. My decisions are not about him. What is it that I wish to do? I don’t wish to hurt Saeyoung when I’m not serious about it yet. I do like Saeyoung, I do like musing about a life with him or dates with him occasionally, but am I ready?

Oh my god and reminiscing !! AA. Just hanging out with him is really fun though. I reminisced over summer events !

Especially cause I’m in such close proximity to the beach !

Reminiscing over chats with him !! Te le pathyyyy~~~~

His nonchalant ‘whoops’ LOL.

heheheh and, and ! God, I missed Jaehee’s anger.

OMG. Victor Oddo’s response to his daughter’s feelings of anger towards what she did was ‘No, nonononono, what you did was amazing. You took action into what inspired you at the time and whenever we do that, there’s always a chance it might not work out, it’s not about that ! making mistakes is valuable cause you can learn from them !’

‘Whenever we make a mistake, slip off or fail - There’s a lesson to be learned there somehow’ (Just like mine today with my search for maybe buying a camera. It didn’t work out but I gained insight into maybe instead in the future - in Israel to buy a newer phone with better, more high def camera settings and I can check camera options out. See really how deeply interested I am in that. And I Do have my chakras to get me acquainted with myself and my own body too.)

I don’t know how I’d be able to help Saeyoung with his own depression and suicidal tendencies, but my higher self is saying ‘Just by being there for him’. In our own journeys of recovery. But it’s also, like, The hobbies, friends, the family trip, connecting to my archangels in regards to my past lives’ effects on me right now, scheduling more journaling too. are what I wish to do the most.

Am I in self defense mode? I still don’t feel prepared to being in a relationship with Saeyoung. I wish for friends ! And

The Seagull told me I’m livin life too safely, to bring up a more lighthearted attitude !

Hm. Looking at things deeply and with clarity..Sentimentality conceals life’s complexities..

I like Jumin, somehow I still do. I do realize that he’s not ready yet. Plus I don’t know if in the future he’d be willing for us to go, lol, Farm style ! (I do have to say, the art of him in farm/village wear 💗💞💗) - But he still has things to figure out with his own self.

But right now it’s definitely - The journey of connecting to my archangels, creativity in regards to like - That’s what I wish and am taking steps towards ! - singing, prose, dancing, digital design, blogging about my photos too!

And figuring out how my past lives affect my current situation with my family and in relationships too. With the connection to my archangels.

I wish to express my own values, delve and express my own hobbies and creativity online.

Making a mistake, is valuable. Even if I fail, or make a mistake, or mess up..

Wow. I really do want to fill it up with my own hobbies and the delight in those. Journey of self discovery the more I follow my passions !