#i have a lot of thinking to do. lots to do. lots of self evalutation to happen yup yup

[frogathy]

just talked to my counselor about being on the spectrum and my mom understands now and i am just so relieved its insane like everything makes sense it is so insane and like i dont have to feel like theres anything wrong with me anymore its just hoohkhjgghdhj

[emchovy]

WHAT I READ IN OCTOBER/NOVEMBER/DECEMBER 2022:

A three-for-one, because the holidays made me so busy I didn't get much reading done at all. There's a lot of manga on here, and two different tie-in novels, which I think means I'm doing really great and more people will want to talk to me then ever before. (That's a self-deprecating joke, but also maybe Warhammer guys are friendly....It's unlikely, but you never know!)

Anyway, don't have synopses for all of these, but hopefully you can glean from the titles and my description alone if you'd be interested.

MANGA/COMICS:

Afterschool Charisma by Kumiko Suekane

The only reason I got this manga was because it literally has the exact same premise as Clone High, and I thought that was like, really funny. And it was. Definitely going for more weird estoricism and like, internally evalution of what it means to be a clone that Clone High, but fun, nontheless. Warning for insane bluntness when it comes to historical characters chosen, though.

Chainsaw Man Vol. 1-3 by Tatsuki Fujimoto

The roommate and I started watching Chainsaw Man, and loved it, and then I started getting the manga. I didn't read it as voraciously as my brother (@sillymanders) did, but I still really enjoy it. However, honestly I think if someone's gonna like this one, they're already reading it.

Transformers: Shattered Glass by Danny Lore

I love Shattered Glass as a concept, the same way I love the Mirror Universe in Star Trek. Something about a universe where morality is flip-flopped really tickles my brain. This, as what I believe is the first not "Botcon Exclusive" Shattered Glass thing was pretty good. Megatron and Starscream were the best, and Soundwave was really great, in his appearance.

Phantom of the Idol Vol. 3 by Hijiki Isoflavone

Phantom of the Idol is the best lowkey comedy I've read since Azumanga Daioh. Will everyone agree with that? No. But I love it. I've enjoyed every expansion to the cast, and the really well-mixed drama and comedy.

Yagi the Bookshop Goat by Fumi Furukawa

This was a BL featuring boys with animal ears. It was honestly pretty boring, and if I haven't sold it to HPB yet, I'm going to!

Tokyo Alien Vol. 1 by NAOE

Mmmm yummy yum I love my delicious trash. This is a shounen? Manga about a dude who joins an organization fighting aliens with his hot (male) classmate. It's not great, but I love it.

Can't Stop Cursing You Vol. 2 and 3

I've talked about this one. A pretty fun detective manga, with some decent jokes. I like it quite a bit.

NOVELS/LIGHT NOVELS:

The Case Files of Jeweler Richard Vol. 1 by Nanako Tsujimura and Utako Yukihiro

This is a pretty fun light novel about a jeweler and his hapless assistant. I enjoy it, quite a bit.

S: A Love Bite by Soki Aido

Oh, weird yaoi novels from Half Price Books, I just can't quit you. The level of drama in these is pretty fun.

Warhammer: The Daemon's Curse by Dan Abnett and Mike Lee

This book was hilarious. Every Warhammer Dark Elf is like, cartoonishly evil, in a really fun way. These books make an interesting contrast with the Drizzt novels.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine: The Way of the Warrior by Diane Carey

Normally I don't read the ones of these that are episode-related, but I really liked this one. Garak gets a really interesting PoV in here, and his opinions on Worf are FASCINATING.

Anyway, there's my wrap-up! I really enjoyed doing these posts all of last year, so I'm definitely gonna continue them. My goal is to get better about summarizing the books, I think.

[vengeancehq]

[ brigette lundy-paine, nonbinary, they/them ] WATCHTOWER DATABASE LOADING…barry allen also known as the flash is 26 years old and currently resides in central city. our systems tell us they work as a forensic scientist for ccpd by day and a hero by night. their psychological evaluation determines them to be brilliant, yet awkward. when asked to describe themself, barry used the sting of ozone before a storm; a white board cluttered with ideas; rooftop sunrise with a side of fries. PROFILE IS NOW COMPLETE— [ remi, 25, she/they, est. ]

WATCHTOWER DATABASE PSYCHOLOGICAL EVALUTATION 

 why did you don your alter ego?

It takes a minute to find the words – the choice had always felt so certain as to not be a choice at all.  So obvious and necessary as to be beyond explanation.  A natural next step; they’d already been a forensic scientist after all.  Maybe that’s the place to start.  “I always wanted to help people, y’know.  Even before the powers.  Do what I could to make things right when they went wrong - ‘cuz they do go wrong...”  Barry knows first hand, their own catalytic wrong still unrighted.  They shake the thought from their head.  “So when what I could do grew so dramatically, what I…did do had to as well.”  A shrug and half a smile, “plus, with J- my predecessor retired, I couldn’t just leave Central in the lurch, right?”

 what is your most useful tool in your work?

“You’re gonna think I’m cheesy, but hope.” they reach up to run a hand through hair currently hidden under a cowl, settle for fiddling with one of their lightning bolts instead.  “Listen, I’m not gonna say mustache twirling evil doesn’t exist, but it’s not something you see every day.  Or even every week.  Not in Central anyway.  Maybe in Gotham,” they flash a cheeky but somewhat sheepish grin at the camera.  “Most of the time though, it’s not like that.  Call me naïve but I think a lot of people just need a nudge in the right direction – someone to really think they can be better, so that they can think that too, so that they don’t feel so alone.”  Barry leans back.  “And I mean, even when you do come up against that true evil or real darkness- to make things right, you have to believe that there is right to be made, that there is good to be done.  Otherwise, why bother, y’know?  So that hope really is critical, to me anyway.”  Still smiling, there’s an unshakable sincerity to their words.

“But if that’s too sappy, the speed force is a very close second.”

what is a hero?

“Someone who makes a difference, who does what they can to help, without needing or expecting recognition or reward, regardless of danger or detriment to themselves.  Someone who does what’s right, what’s necessary no matter how hard or how scary it is.  Who tries no matter how impossible it seems or how long it’s been.”  They start careful, deliberate, but a pressure seems to almost build behind the thoughts as they speak, and they’re rushing, nearly breathless by the end.  Barry catches themself and sits back hard, taking a moment to center themself.  When they start again, their quiet, easy cheerfulness is back, and a touch of something almost wistful.  “The first Flash, Supes, Bats…those are heroes.  They’re what I aspire to be- don’t tell ‘em I said so, though.”

is your identity public?

“I don’t know how much it would matter if it was, I’m kind of a nobody,” they joke.  “But no.  Absolutely not.”  Barry might be cavalier with their own safety, but they won’t put their loved ones in danger.  Seems self-defeating, putting more people in danger by your efforts to protect others.  Besides, they like having their time out of the public eye.  Privacy is hard enough to come by as it is these days.  

“Though there are some dining establishments that I think might have their suspicions…”

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

I am getting a psychiactic evalution soon ... my therpist said im expirencing psychosis and im scared that if I have a mental disorder on my record, especially a psychotic one.. I wont be taken seriously and wont be able to start hrt for as soon as I plan too....

Lee says:

Unfortunately, having a stigmatized mental illness diagnosis can make it harder for you to transition because doctors sometimes do take you less seriously or wonder if your dysphoria is a symptom of your mental illness, so it might make your journey to HRT a slightly longer one. But it’s still possible to start T while struggling with mental illness.

There aren’t a lot of people in the community who are open about their diagnoses because there’s still a lot of stigma around having a psychotic disorder, so it can be hard to find role models who are like you and a community to be a part of. 

So I’ve decided to be more open about my experience. I also experience psychosis, and I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder when I was a senior in high school. But I was able to get my symptoms under control through a combination of antipsychotic medication and therapy, and I was able to start testosterone when I turned 18.

The rate of mental illness in the trans community is higher than with cisgender people because of minority stress, dysphoria, and family/friend rejection and social stigmatization among other things so doctors who are used to treating the transgender community tend to see a lot of patients with various mental health struggles.

I won’t deny that it can be harder to get a prescription when you’re mentally ill, especially if you’re severely mentally ill or if you have stigmatized disorders like a schizo-spectrum diagnosis. It can feel like you have to choose between treating your psychosis and your dysphoria, which isn’t a choice anyone should have to make. But it isn’t hopeless, and you can work on both.

You can still find a doctor who will get you started on HRT even if it means getting a second opinion from another doctor. It will also help if you can get a WPATH-compliant letter from your therapist saying that you’re ready to start HRT and able to consent to the process.

The WPATH guidelines say:

“Any co-existing psychological, medical, or social problems that could interfere with treatment (e.g., that may compromise treatment adherence) have been addressed, such that the adolescent’s situation and functioning are stable enough to start treatment"

“The presence of co-existing mental health concerns does not necessarily preclude possible changes in gender role or access to feminizing/masculinizing hormones or surgery; rather, these concerns need to be optimally managed prior to or concurrent with treatment of gender dysphoria. In addition, clients should be assessed for their ability to provide educated and informed consent for medical treatments.”

I’d recommend being honest about what you’re experiencing in your psychiatric evaluation- you want to be able to get the best treatment possible for whatever you’re experiencing, and having a diagnosis might help your doctors figure out what kind of therapy and medication you should try. 

Mental health medications overview (more)

Starting psychiatric medication

A comic on starting psych meds

Things that you want to know about psychiatric medication

Taking pills when you struggle to do so

Remembering to take your medication

Medicated and mighty (more)

Medication dosage

In the future: digital pills

And lying to try to speed up your transition might backfire- if your symptoms get worse and you try to hide them, you might end up hurting yourself or getting in a lot of trouble depending on what kind of delusions and paranoia you have. Getting treatment is important.

How can I help myself?

Coping with paranoid thoughts

How to deal with paranoia when you’re home alone

Court case thought challenge (worksheet)

5 aspects model (prompts)

ABC for paranoia

Paranoia self-help

Personal recovery plan

How to deal with paranoia

How to handle hallucinations

Coping with hallucinations and delusions

Self-care

Help with paranoia

An affirming help guide for living with schizophrenia

Living through the fog of a psychotic break

What to do about paranoia

How I’ve learned to cope with the voices in my head

Resources for psychotic people

Disorganized thinking

Coping with schizophrenia

Hallucination and Delusion Resources

Reality journal

Ideas for coping with psychosis

What is schizophrenia?

You should talk to your therapist about your concerns- tell her that starting HRT is very important to you, that a lot of the distress you experience is caused by your dysphoria so transitioning is part of your path to mental health recovery, and that you’re concerned you’re not going to be able to get HRT with a psychotic diagnosis and having to delay your transition would make your mental illnesses a lot harder to deal with. 

See if you can the therapist to agree to write you the WPATH letter, or at least get a clear timeline about what steps the therapist wants to you take first, or what benchmarks you’ll need to meet before you can start HRT. Be stubborn about this and stand up for yourself- tell them that you need to start HRT and you’re willing to do whatever it takes to get there. 

You need to feel like you’re making progress on your goal, so you need to know what you need to do next so you’re taking steps forward. Do they want you to keep a daily log to make sure you’re taking care of yourself and eating every day and showering once a week? Do you need to try practicing any specific coping skills, or try to stop self harming? Make sure you have a treatment plan in place, and the therapist is willing to write you the letter you need in a reasonable timeline.

10 things i wish clients knew before starting therapy

Therapy goals

About the therapy session

What should happen in a session

Here is a video Demonstrating what a first therapy session may look like made by a mental health professional

5 Tips on how to talk about yourself in therapy

How to broach a difficult subject in therapy

How to tell a therapist almost anything

21 Tips for getting the most out of each therapy session

6 Ways to open up to your therapist

Communicating with your health provider

Here’s How You Can Get the Most Out of Therapy

Here’s How You Can Get the Most Out of Therapy (Part 2!)

50 Signs of Good Therapy

Having issues with therapy? Here are 50 Warning Signs of Questionable Therapy

Recovery doesn’t mean that you no longer have a psychotic disorder, it means trying to reduce the frequency and intensity of your symptoms if you can with medication, and using therapy to help you learn coping skills to help you manage any symptoms that remain. You can be in recovery and still experience symptoms, and you can still live a full life that’s worth living and transition while having a psychotic disorder, even if you can’t “cure” all your symptoms.

If you can’t get this therapist to write you the letter you need because of your diagnosis, you can always try getting another therapist, or starting HRT through informed consent. Here is how to get hormones in the US, if you aren’t sure about the way to get HRT. There’s always a path, but you will need to jump over some hurdles that aren’t in place for other people. 

I want to acknowledge the very real discrimination that people with psychotic diagnoses can face, something I’ve faced too, and I don’t want to lie and say it’s a walk in the park. I have to admit that it can sometimes make it harder to transition, and it might slow or delay your transition a little. But I do also want to make it clear that you still have a future and there is a path to that future, and even if it takes a few months longer, you’ll still be able to get there.

I used to be in your shoes. Now I’m a pre-med sophomore in college, I’m 2 years and 7 months on T, I’m 2 years and 4 months post-top surgery, I’m 1 year and 7 months post- hysterectomy, I’m in a long-term relationship with a lovely partner, and things are looking up. I’m 20 years old now and I never thought I’d live this long or have this future, but it possible for things to get better. 

About 7 months ago I answered a similar Q about getting top surgery with a psychotic disorder, and if you scroll to the end you can see a Rare Picture of me featuring my antipsychotics and top surgery results.

[jcmorgenstern]

3x04

Okay I’m gonna try to put my thoughts in some semblance of order about this episode because they were largely negative but I think I can qualify and explain them somewhat. I think the biggest problem I’m running into here is the worldbuilding and certain really foundational flaws in how some aspects of the characters are written. (Readmore for length).

What they had with Jace’s mental health is a good start. I still do quibble with the tactless decision to conflate psychotic symptoms with demonic possession, but I think we can agree they probably didn’t mean it that way, and even if it could have been thought through better...everyone’s mileage on that varies. But the biggest flaw that kept me from really engaging with that storyline was the utter unbelievability of the surrounding worldbuilding.

The fact there is absolutely no established procedure for medical evaluation or burnout in the field is just totally unbelievable. The fact that Alec isn’t required to order a medical evalution of Jace to continue field work, or even has any sort of health-related support or a medic to consult with is totally ridiculous. We’ve been told they have medics--Victor Aldertree was one before taking up a position as resident asshole--so where the fuck are they? The Clave is a military organization, there’s no way they don’t have some sort of health infrastructure to provide Alec support in figuring out what’s wrong with Jace.

If Alec had come to Jace in the same scene and asked if he’d be willing to see to a medic for his sleep problems or whatnot (and Jace refused, saying that Alec thinks he’s “crazy” and unfit for duty despite the fact he’s been giving things his all) that would make much more sense. But as it stands it just seems like the Clave’s policy is to have absolutely no health (let alone mental health lmao) support and like. That’s just incredibly stupid. They fight with swords. They’re going to get injured. So much of this show is just free-floating (often contradictory) facts in a total lack of coherent worldbuilding, and for me it’s starting to pile up and detract from my ability to emotionally engage with the action.

A lot of the dialogue was very clumsy in this episode--good ideas, but very poor execution. So much telling rather than showing, often with little tweaks that could have made it so much better. Like, if instead of saying “My love for Clary overcame your possession” Jace could have said that Clary helped him believe in the good in himself and he knew he’s not who her visions said he was. That is, in effect, the same statement, but the second is much more emotionally impactful--he’s not just saying they’re in love, it’s demonstrating a facet of that love and that bond and how it pulled him out of her possession.

Also, another thing that’s been bothering me since....well, ever, is that Clary more than anyone else is written so inhumanly and robotically. And it’s becoming more obvious. Alec gets  to go home to Magnus and talk about how being unable to help Jace is impacting him, how he was scared when their rune faded and how he’s frustrated his attempts seem to be pushing Jace further away, but Clary can’t even express mild distress or even pretend that she’s fine when someone asks. Killing Valentine, watching Jace die, knowing that she’s going to be thrown into prison for life if anyone finds out what she’s done--none of that weighs on her or even seems to be in her mind at all. She’s a cardboard cutout, writing wise, and in light of the complexity they’re at least trying to lend Jace, the disservice done her character really shows. Even when she claims she’s willing to brave the Guard to keep Jace safe, the dialogue is so wooden it just rings false, like she doesn’t even know what she’s saying or hasn’t even thought about it, there’s no gravity to her situation--her situation and her perspective isn’t even considered. So instead of speaking to the ferocity of her determination to keep the person she loves safe and the importance and depth of that connection between them, it rings as glib and trite.

The show really struggles to establish gravitas, despite taking itself much too seriously. Part of that is down to the ludicrious pacing--am I supposed to believe a war takes place in a few weeks at most?--but a lot of it is just due to the inability establish the situation and the characters in relation to it, and the extreme self-awareness established by pandering to the fandom’s every whim. In the moments that the show bucks expectation and utilizes its enormous cast to creatively explore how very different characters would interact, it shines.

On the things I enjoyed: I really enjoyed Jordan Kyle so far, I’m hoping they’ll manage to flip expectations regarding how his arc goes down in the books. A personal preference would be finding a non-romantic resolution to the animosity between him and Maia. I enjoyed the conversation between Maia and Luke--I’ve enjoyed him in his leadership position so far, as it seems more realistic than their usual fare. If they don’t wuss out and do actually give Maryse consequences, that realism will really enrich the show and heighten the emotional stakes, even if her punishment isn’t entirely deserved.

Raphael...I don’t really think they’ve coherently linked his emotional states to what he’s doing with Heidi, and while I like that they’ve fleshed her out more from a Empty Blonde Bitch(TM) in the books to someone who sees no reason to function by social rules because they’ve done nothing but let her down and hurt her. The song playing while she fucks around with Simon’s stuff was a fantastic touch. The actress who plays her is wildly overdirected and it’s driving me insane, but it...could be worse.

Izzy still doesn’t have a coherent arc, and to be honest I did find her assertion that most of her relationships were about sex and with Raphael it was better because he didn’t want sex--I felt that was a bit. Unfortunate in its implications. I’m willing to shut up and wait it out but...that’s all I’ve done with her since S1 and I’m getting tired of it. I did love Lilith and I hope they can keep it up with her even though. Her dialogue this episode was also pretty painful. She dictates her plans to the screen and...it’s very cartoonish and so. much. telling. not showing.

Anyway overall this episode....tried to do a lot of things and for me most of them fell sort of flat, mostly due to some really unfortunate writing choices but also mostly due to a really fundamental failing of worldbuilding and characterization. I’m hoping 3B will at least give them a chance to flesh Clary out a bit more emotionally, but considering they’ve had all of season 2 to start I...don’t see that happening. I’m fine with having a few episodes I loved less than others, but unfortunately for me these flaws are sort of fundamental and won’t really be fixed, and will probably continue to impact how much I enjoy a lot of what they do. While there are islets of stuff I really enjoyed, the show’s huge cast and enormous ambitions make it almost impossible to put together coherent thoughts with so many arcs and threads hanging loose with little integration. I’m willing to hold out judgement until we’ve seen more of the resolution of the stuff they’re starting, but often with this show I find they do more starting plot threads than actually keeping them up or resolving them meaningfully so....yeah. More creative problemsolving for their plot thread integration is direly needed.

tl;dr: there was no crispy in this episode and some idiot (me) won’t shut the fuck up

[vrtilkovic]

Writing: Practical Language Self-Evalution

1. What are 3 things you did well in our class?

In my opinion I did well the Culture Presentation about my Erasmus experience in Paris and its surroundings. I was incredibly happy to share my experience, and it felt like my classmates have enjoyed it as well, because they were smiling and even laughing while watching the presentation. I am glad for having such a great audience. I think I did well theBook Review as well. I have chosen my favorite book and really tried to do the review in a different way. Writing about Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, I have made it as a newsletter, added some pictures and changed the font type of letters to “a magic one”. The Vocabulary tests were another thing I did well. I enjoyed writing them, because the form was brilliant and very educative in a methodical way. I am looking forward to using it in my own lessons, I think my pupils will love telling and listening to sentences with their names.

2. What are 3 things you can improve upon?

I would like to improve and mainly widen my vocabulary range, which is quite narrow after 5 months speaking French only. The next thing are the listening skills, which have improved a lot recently, but there is still something to improve, isn’t it?JI am not afraid of speaking anymore, I feel quite confident now, but still, I would like to build greater confidence, which is a problem as my vocabulary range is not wide enough. I would like to speak fluently without trying hard to recall some word from the deepest point of my mind.

3. What steps will you take to improve your English?

I will definitely watch more movies and series, which is not considered as procrastination as these are in English without subtitles, am I right? Listening to native speakers is the best thing how to improve the listening skills. But it is quite hard when living in the Czech Republic, so that is why I choose watching Netflix. I would like to read more English books to earn new vocabulary through reading.

4. What are 3 ways this Practical Language class can be improved?

I was quite surprised of the form of the lessons. We were not discussing much from the book, which can be bad because of the final test, but on the other hand I have enjoyed all the lessons, they were funny, full of inspiration, focusing on speaking and lead by an amazing teacher. I cannot think of 3 ways how to improve the class, as I said, I really liked the classes.

5. Create a question about this class and answer it.

Was the class full of inspiration and good mood? Yes, it was! And it was amazing to be there with Mrs McEnany.

[dreamy-divine]

FINNY CAN I GET A YEAR IN PREVIEW PLEASE IM LOVE U

I’m getting to this super late, sorry man

January: Cassiopeia/ Queen of Fire

In the myths Cassiopeia angers Posiedon by bragging abut her daughter Adromeda. In order to avoid his wrath and save their people, Andromeda is chained to a rock by the sea as a sacrifice. In the end however in the end she is saved by Perseus. This card tells a tale of rebirth and breaking free. In this case you are both Cassiopeia and Adromeda. In January you may have found yourself chained to your routine. The best way to deal with this is to evalute what you’re doing in day to day like that doesn’t make you happy that you can change. Do subtle things to make your life different each day so you don’t fall victim to your routine.

February: Corona Australis/ 4 of Earth

This card is based on the Chinese constellation The Black Tortoise of the North. It tells the story of a Taoist deity. He realized in order to achieve enlightenment and become a god, he neded to purge himself of his sins. To do so he washed his intestines in a river, turning it black and creating a black tortoise that terrorized a nearby town. He then had to tame the tortoise to right things. This card tells us that to achieve your goals, you must take strong actions. However such drastic measures may have some unexpected results, don’t panic. Even if things feel like their going all wrong, you can turn the mess into a positive with a little effort and the right point of view.

March: Sagitta + Idus/ 6 of Fire

This card is based on two separate constellations, and as such, it brings up two different points. First you have Idus, the proud archer with bows in hand. This constellation is based on Lautaro, a Mapuche warrior who had to defend his village from invading Spaniards. He warns that in March you may find yourself having to stand your ground a lot. You’ll likely have the displeasure of having to defend your decisions, thoughts and ideas, or emotions from others judgments. It’s uncomfortable but you’re strong and you’ll be able to handle it. Then you have Sagitta, the arrow. Arrows hold a very important symbolism. In order for an arrow to go anywhere it needs to be pulled back until it can’t be pulled any more, only then can it be released to soar forward. Similar, March will really weigh down on you. You’ll feel like you’re only going backwards and are going to hit a breaking point. It’ll be just before that that you’ll spring forward and do things you never imagined. Just hold on.

April: Sextans + Octans/ 2 of Earth

In April the year will finally calm down a little bit. Sextans and Octans were tools used for navigating that lead to many scientific discoveries. This card stresses the importance of knowledge and learning. In the month of April, take some time to learn something knew. Whether it be a knew craft, reading up on something you’v always wanted to learn about, or just doing more research on a current hobby or interest. Read and Learn and Enjoy yourself.

May: Mensa/ High Priestess

I suggest you take it slower in May, cause it’s gonna be a weird month.  The Mensa card references the constellation above Table Mountain near Cape Town. It’s an oddly flat mountain, covered in fog who’s magnetic pull le.ads ships astray. So yeah, needless to say if this is the card your month is based on, it’s gonna be strange. You’ll likely feel lost in a fog for the month, like you can’t make any decisions and you don’t know what direction to go in. It’ll be okay. Just make sure to think things through and ground yourself and you won’t crash.

June: Columba/ Page of Water

June is going to be a great month for you. Just super peaceful. Columba is the constellation based on the dove that told of the ending of the flood in the bible. This card is quite literally a symbol of peace. There’s not much to recommend in June. Just relax and enjoy yourself, it’s really not too good to be true, enjoy it.

July: Horologium/ 8 of Earth

Horologium, the celestial clock. Time will play an interesting part in July for you. The past and the future will dance around your mind. You’ll find yourself looking back on the past often. But just as often you’ll be wistfully look towards the future. In July you’ll need to remind yourself that the here and now are a gift and everytime you’re worried about the past and the future, precious seconds are ticking away.

August: Gemini/ The Star

Gemini is the astrological sign of the twins and is often described as being “two faced”. In truth this is not wrong, but it’s also not right. Gemini reminds us that there are multiple sides to a person. I recommend taking time for self reflection in August. Look at all your sides, your good ones and your bad ones and figure out how to bring about a harmony among them. Focus on how you can take the things you are unhappy with and channel them into a positive. Along with learning how to communicate with all sides of yourself. August is a good month to practice better communicating your needs with others. You’ll come across as less “moody” to others if you aren’t afraid to tell them what you want and need flat out.

September: Auriga/ King of Earth

September is gonna be a month that puts you through some work. It won’t be negative. But you’ll find yourself very busy. September is gonna remind you again that it takes a lot of effort to achieve your dreams. This will be the month to work on making any changes you want to see in your life or to work towards any large goals you have. Your life will be hectic and full but it won’t feel bad. You’ll find yourself feeling acomplished rather than overworked.

October: Sculptor/ Ace of Fire

October is gonna be another quiet month for you. The sculptor is the artist and shows creative vision. She shows that your life is entering a period where your creative energy will be at a high. Take advantage of this. In October you should work with the arts. Write, paint, sculpt, design. Connect with the creator inside yourself and allow it to empower you. If you do, you’ll be able to carry the aspect of the creator into more important areas of life as well. Teach yourself that you “sculpt” your own life and you can shape things how you want them. You’re not helpless to fate or others wishes.

November: Phoenix/ The World

Through out the year there have been different points where growth was stressed. November is gonna be the culmination of all of those points. Like the phoenix dies and is reborn from the ashes, in this month you too will transform into someone new. It may not be quite as dramatic. But you’ll likely find that if you look back on who you were at the beginning of the year, you’re a different person. It will be exciting, embrace it. You’ve grown so much by this point, be proud of yourself.

December: Canis Minor/ Page of Earth

December could end on a bitter note for you if you allow it to. Canis Minor is the under dog constellation, often times over shadowed by Canis Major. You may feel like you too are an under dog in December. It’ll seem like nobodies acknowledge how hard you try, or that everyone is simply paying more attention to someone flashier than you. Don’t let it drag you down. Instead remind yourself of how proud you are of your accomplishments as your opinion of yourself is the most important. Then surround yourself with people who make you feel seen and validated. Don’t be afraid to tell people if you feel like you’re being pushed to the side. It’s okay to ask for attention.

Challenge for the year: Pictor/ Temperance

Pictor is the easel of heaven. Despite being the easel, it’s actually depicted as horses that pull a chariot. Although they seem unrelated, the do have similarities. The artist can’t paint without an easel and the chariot cannot move without horses. Over the year you have trouble learning to ask for assistance of your own. There’s nothing wrong with admitting that you need some help.

Lesson to learn with year: Hydrus/ Ace of Water

Hydrus is a water snake; elegant and completely in his element in the water. This card hold a lot of symbolism in it. You have the snake which represents wisdom and flexibility. The water which is used to represent our emotions, and the lotus flowers to depict mind and spirit. In 2017 you’ll need to learn to find emotional clarity. You’ll have to learn to reflect on your emotions and how they affect your body and soul. But more so then that, you have to become comfortable with them. You can’t change how you feel, learn to accept your emotions and become at home with them.

[lifeinstereo-blog1]

An Introduction.

The official first post of my blog! Yay!

I feel like it’s only right to start off with a little more background information about myself. this might be long. Bear with me here.

I am a nineteen (well, I will be nineteen tomorrow...so it’s close enough) year old female who just happened to be born completely and utterly deaf in both ears. I can’t hear anything. Nothing. To put that into perspective, I can’t hear a gun being fired, a jet taking off, people screaming at me (which is nice in some situations, hah), pretty much anything you throw at me, I can’t hear.

My parents did not know (I missed the hearing test requirement for all newborns by about a year) until I was nine months old. Although, my mom had sneaking suspicions starting at about six months. I wasn’t startling or turning my head to sounds. I’d sleep easily. I believe one day, I was sitting on the floor unaware that my mom was behind me. My mom had gotten pots and pans and banged on them and made noise. No response from me. After that was when I was taken to the doctor and it was confirmed I was deaf as heck.

It is believed what caused my deafness was a virus called cytomegalovirus, or abbreviated as CMV. Most of the population gets it sometime in their lifetime and it’s no big deal. It basically shows up as a cold or maybe doesn’t have any symptoms. The only populations that should be at least somewhat concerned about it is very young children, the elderly and those who are pregnant. Emphasis on the last population. That’s where CMV can do the most damage. My mom was pregnant with me and must have picked it up from somewhere. But she didn’t know she had contracted it. She was never sick, she never even had any morning sickness. I ended up getting the brunt of the CMV. I was born with profound bilateral sensorineural deafness, poor leg muscle tone, and slight brain damage. The brain damage was superficial and I grew out of that. The poor leg muscle tone resulted in a delayed ability to walk and years of physical therapy in elementary school.’The bilateral sensorineural (having to do with the cochlea, it’s hair cells and the auditory nerve) deafness was due to the CMV stunting the growth of the thousands of the tiny hair cells that are found in the cochlea. So basically, my cochleas are bald. If there are any hair cells, they’re either broken, non-functioning, or there just isn’t enough of them to actually produce any sensation of sound.

In normal hearing, sound travels through the air by vibrating the molecules in air and those vibrating air molecules hits the eardrum (tympanic membrane) and causes it to vibrate. This in turn, causes the ossicles (those three tiny ear bones called the malleus, incus, and stapes... better known as the hammer, anvil, and stirrup, respectively) to move. The stapes is connected to something called the oval window. The oval window is part of the cochlear-vestibular structure and when the stapes vibrates, it causes fluid that is inside of the cochlea (the snail-shaped structure in the inner ear) to move. The cochlea contains the organ of Corti, which has four rows of hair cells that stick out from the surface. When the fluid moves, it makes those hair cells move as well. When those hair cells move, it creates electrical impulses that are sent to the auditory (hearing) nerve, The brain receives these signals and perceives them as sound. To me, I think of the whole process like a domino effect. You take out one domino, then it won’t work. That domino in this scenario is my hair cells. My eardrums and ossicles function perfectly fine, but because I don’t have these microscopic little things, I can’t hear sh*t. But that’s fine with me.

After much research. my parents found out about cochlear implants. They took me to an audiologist to see if I was a candidate. I failed all hearing tests. With pediatric cases, a 3-month trial with hearing aids is required. We tried that, and there was no observable benefit from them. I had CT scans of my temporal bones done to look for normal cochlea structure. My cochleas were normal and not ossified. It was made sure that my family and I had realistic expectations and the necessary motivation to train me to hear with the cochlear implant, since it would take a lot of work and practice. After all evalutations, I was deemed to be an excellent candidate for a CI. However, doctors said not to expect much, since CIs aren’t a miracle cure, They said I probably wouldn’t like music, that it would be screechy and unpleasant. But that was okay with my parents. They wanted me to have environmental awareness so that I would be safe from cars passing by or hear sirens, fire alarms, etc. After much consideration and trepidation, my parents decided to go ahead with the surgery. In November of 2000, I was implanted with Clarion’s (it would later become Advanced Bionics, one of the three cochlear implant companies) C1.2 implant, the newest technology they had at the time. During the candidacy process, I was learning and using ASL (American Sign Language) so that I could communicate with my parents and others.

A cochlear implant bypasses the non-functioning part of the ear (in this case, it’s the cochlea) and sends electrical signals to the auditory nerve. It essentially takes the place of those hair cells. A CI consists of two main parts: the external and internal parts. The external part consists of a sound processor that can be worn behind the ear (BTE) or off the ear, depending on your preference (I prefer the BTE version). The sound processor is powered by a battery that slides on and off of it. The battery can be disposable or rechargeable. The sound processor has microphones that pick up sound and the processor sorts out the sound into information that is sent through a wire to the headpiece that is attached magnetically to the internal processor. The information is sent via FM radio communication to the internal chip which is a computer that sends electrical impulses down an electrode array that is inserted in the cochlea. Depending on how the sound is sorted, certain electrodes will be stimulated and the electric impulses from the electrodes come into contact with the auditory nerve. The brain perceives this as sound, albeit, a different type of sound.

When my first CI was activated, sound actually scared me. Eventually I got used to it and it took about two years for it to really get to full potential. However, I still did a lot of speech therapy and listening practice, as well as just daily activities like having conversations and listening to music—that’s right, I defied the doctor’s expectations and enjoyed music! I even joined the school string orchestra and played viola from fourth grade until I graduated. It’s been a deep passion of mine.

Even though I exceeded expectations and was able to gain full use of English, my cochlear implant wasn’t perfect. And it still isn’t. I still had an interpreter up until seventh grade, then had captioning from eighth to tenth grade, then after that I was completely self-reliant. I can carry a conversation near perfectly or perfectly if it is one-on-one in a quiet setting and I can lip-read. In noise, it gets a little harder, I rely more on lip-reading in that situation. The more noise there is, the more I need to lip-read. I often have a hard time following a conversation between multiple people with background noise. Think of something like a school cafeteria or a noisy restaurant (even harder if it’s dimly lit!). Those situations are the worst for me. I can talk over the phone sometimes. If the person’s voice is loud. clear, and at a normal pace, I can understand them okay, I will probably have to ask them to repeat things several times but it is not impossible. I prefer to talk with speakerphone on and have someone with me so they can relay information to me if I don’t get everything. However, these days I use a videophone so I have an interpreter sign what the other person is saying. I can sign back and the interpreter voices for me, or I can voice for myself. I prefer to voice for myself. It’s a pretty neat tool to use. Since I only have 1 CI, it’s basically equivalent to hearing out of one ear. That means I also have a hard time locating where sound comes from. If someone yells out my name, I sometimes have to do a full 360 to find where the person is. I also hear in “2D” since I only have 1 CI. I can’t really say for myself because I have no comparison, but apparently 1 CI/1 ear only gives you a flat quality of sound. There’s no depth or fullness to it. Sound isn't as rich and layered. So it will be interesting going from hearing in mono to hearing in stereo. Listening to music and my experience in orchestra is a whole other blog post.

Enough about my ears. Other things about me... I am a freshman in college who is majoring in biomedical science and on the pre-med track. If you couldn’t tell, the detailed description of how hearing works should’ve tipped you off that I’m a science nerd. Other than science, I enjoy art and music. I draw with graphite, charcoal, and prismacolors. Portraits are my favorite thing to draw. I paint with watercolor and I like to combine abstract and realistic concepts in my paintings. I like to play music on my viola, as well as listen to it. I listen to a wide range of music, from classical to rap. However, I absolutely love to listen to string music. I also am a huge, huge fan of the 1965 movie production of the Sound of Music and listen to the soundtrack constantly. Julie Andrews’s voice is just magical. I also love to read (although I have to admit I haven't been reading a lot recently) and am a fan of Greek mythology. Other than that, I like to spend my time on the internet on social media and other websites like YouTube, I am a YouTube addict and love watching videos (although I’d like it if all of them were captioned so I wouldn’t have to use as much effort to listen and understand the videos). If you go to any of my social media profiles, you’ll see that I’m pretty passionate about social justice. I like to learn and educate myself about things that are happening right now in our politics and culture.

That basically sums me up. I think this was a good (and quite long) self-introductory post. I really look forward to making more posts in the future!

Ashley

[runesrule]

Force. Strength. Power. (A study in feminist influences.)

In 1943 William Moulton Marston, the creator of Wonder Woman, said “Not even girls want to be girls so long as our feminine architype lacks force, strength (and) power.” He also believed that Diana Prince’s attractiveness was a part of her power, an idea which would probably be eviscerated as anti-feminist today. Maybe it is, if you ignore the key word ‘part’.  

Her attractiveness is only a part of her power, a part that probably lends her an under-laying sense of sense-confidence. (I say under-laying because I will bet any money even the awe-inspiring Diana Prince worries about thigh jiggle and stretch marks) I am sick to death of this attitude of scorn society has towards girls who put a lot of effort into their appearance. Look; I’m not one of them. If I put on mascara and foundation at the same time, I’m probably going to meet the Queen. If you think that I’m not cheering on those girls who rock up to the shops with their faces contoured, eyebrows drawn on, red lipped and smiling with brilliantly white teeth, you are so very, very wrong my friend. 

I would have, once. 

I was a tomboy. A skinned knees, tree-climbing, wore shorts under my school dresses and multiple sports bras because my chest embarrassed me, Tomboy™. I was in a masculine environment out on a cattle station in Western Australia, and soft things just don’t last out there. Then I went to boarding school, where you had to be Something, so the Something I chose to be was the Tomboy, the Good Girl. 

In the way of female influences in media, there’s three heroes that I stood out to me then; Alanna the Lioness of Tamora Pierce’s Song of the Lioness quartet, Mulan of Disney’s Mulan (duh) and Evelynn O’Connell of The Mummy and The Mummy Returns. 

(There was no third movie, mmkay? I don’t know what you’re talking about. Rachel Weis is the only Evie, and that’s the end of it.) 

If you haven’t read anything by Tamora Pierce, firstly what the actual hell is wrong with you? Secondly, in brief, Song of the Lioness is the story of a nobleman’s daughter named Alanna with a magical Gift who wants to be a knight, but then the Patriarchy happens and she is instead supposed to go and study magic. Conveniently enough, her twin brother would much rather go and study magic rather than be a knight, so they switch places. Thom gets to remain a boy, while Alanna has to disguise her gender in order to follow her dreams. Hijinks ensue. The third book of Song of the Lioness was literally called The Woman Who Rides Like A Man, so between Mulan and Alanna, my take-away seemed to be that if you wanted to earn the respect of men, you had to act like a man. 

It’s a narrative that is not-so-subtly played to absolute death. Everyone knows the token Strong Female in blockbuster action flicks who has absolutely no defining features other than being One of the Boys, being in love with the protagonist and eventually dies because cleavage doesn’t repel bullets. 

(I am not criticising her choice to show off her cleavage, only to situation in which she chooses to do so. Like, girl, why are you parachuting into a war zone on a black ops mission in a tank top?) 

Then of course, there is Evie O’Connell. I blame her almost entirely for my ill-fated foray into studying archaeology. 

(I say ‘almost’ because of course there was also Lara Croft, but in retrospect my obsession with Lara Croft had less to do with wanted to be her and more to do with- ahem, anyway. Safe to say, I look back on it now and think ‘How the heck did anyone—including myself—ever think I was straight?’) 

Evie taught me that if you wanted to be even slightly feminine, you had damn well better be the smartest motherfucker in the room. Or, at the very least, have your very own Rick O’Connell to come and save you when you inevitably awaken a cursed mummy. 

I know vividly the first person who made me rethink my idea of femineity= weak. That the pretty one would always need rescued by the hero, and since I would much rather rescue my own goddamn self, being pretty was out of the question. Allison Argent, of the train-wreck that is MTV’s Teen Wolf changed my life. No, really. Along comes this absolute definition of the Damsel in Distress. She’s pretty and blushing and fluttering lashes. Then she commando-rolls out of that doe-eyed love interest box with a compound bow in one hand and a tube of lipstick in the other. 

Allison Argent said “Why can’t I be strong and still go to prom?” she left me re-evalutating my life. I started experimenting with my style: I owned dresses, and pretty tops and panties that match my bra. I step out to go to the movies and I put on a day pink lipstick in the rear-view mirror of my car. I splash on red lipstick as bright as blood and paint my fingernails to match and suddenly my silly, tiny black dress is made of Kevlar. Suddenly, I’m bullet-proof.  

Some days, red lipstick is power, because the guy at the bar ends up looking at my tits and doesn’t notice when the bartender serves me before him. Sometimes, Doc Martins and a trucker cap are power, because I can walk into the shops and nobody knows I haven’t washed my hair in, like, a week. Some days, pink lipstick and perfume make me feel powerful, because I’ll walk into a grey Melbourne day wearing spring-time on my skin. 

Why should any one of these things make me less? Less what? Less respectable, less feminine, less strong? 

Empowering women doesn’t mean teaching girls that they should act more like boys to be strong, because strength is not—despite what you may have been led to believe—a solely masculine trait. Empowering women and girls is as easy, and as heart-wrenchingly difficult, as teaching them that they don’t have to act like boys to be powerful. Their power is in their resting bitch faces when a stranger on the street tells them to smile, baby! Their power is in bleeding for a week straight and carrying the fuck on, in living and breathing despite men policing their goddamn bodies at every corner. 

Empowering women starts with Saturday morning cartoons, Disney films and the way newsreaders talk about the victims in rape trials. 

It starts with the way we talk about each other, and the figures we see all around represented in media, film and television. Maybe, empowering your son or daughter starts with looking at the shrieking damsel in distress on TV and commenting ‘Ha! King Arthur wouldn’t be anything without Guinevere to manage the castle and broker trade while he’s busy fighting Mordred’