#i have been way too anxious these past few days idk what's going on

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[whimsiwitchy]

Controversially Young Girlfriend (part three)

Hugh Jackman x popstar!reader 

series masterlist & main masterlist

summary: y/n is a globally beloved pop star. She is known for her talent and dedication towards her craft. Recently, she has also been known for her preference for older men. After a breakup with her former older boyfriend, she had a run in with the hottest dilf right now, Hugh Jackman. Y/n tried to warn him, but what can she say, she has an effect on hot, older men. 

warnings: age gap (23/55), cursing, y/n used, implied shorter reader, afab reader, she/her pronouns, sexual themes, fighting (verbal).

warnings will change as the story progresses! all descriptions of real people in this story are FAKE. I do not know these people and this is purely fiction. Please let me know if I missed anything!! <3

authors note: idk yall, this kinda ate ngl. I’m so proud of this and I really hope you all enjoy it as much as I did! <3 also I’m sorry to all the Pedro girlies…I had to. 

part three: uninvited

The past few days seemed to drag on slower than you wished they had. The rest of your time in London was spent doing various interviews centered around your upcoming album release and Ashley dragged you around to every possible tourist attraction around. It was all rather mundane- every interview was the same and every attraction too crowded for your liking. You were being a grump but you were tired and anxious. All the hype around your sophomore album delighted you, truly it did, but the doubts always took up more space in your mind than you cared to admit. With this album, you took a lot of inspiration from the pop girlies of the early 2000s, Britney being the biggest influence. You allowed yourself to explore your sexuality and true self. The songs were erotic in the best way and in just a few weeks, everyone would have access to that side of you. The image you’d been portraying wasn’t that of a ‘soft good girl’ per say but you hadn’t been this open and honest before. It was terrifying. 

You landed at LAX around two in the morning, giving you a few hours of sleep before your 11am meeting. This was one of those times you didn’t mind using the perks of your fame. You had a car waiting to pick Ashley and yourself  up to take you straight home, allowing both of you to get some sleep as the driver fought through the airport traffic. The moment you reached your small house, you threw your luggage across the living room and dropped face down into the couch, falling back into a deep sleep with Ashley right next to you. When your alarms go off at nine am, you’re banging your head into the couch cushions, the seven hours of sleep feeling like a blink. You roll slightly allowing yourself to fall the short distance from the couch onto the floor. “Ow…” You mumble, rubbing the back of your head. Dragging yourself up, you sluggishly made your way to the bathroom to take a quick shower. It was something you should have done last night. Just thinking about all the germs sitting on your body right now made a quick chill of disgust roll down your spine. You heavily disliked sleeping in your ‘outside clothes’ but the tiredness beat the cleanliness last night. 

Sweat pants and a hoodie weren’t exactly meeting appropriate but it wasn’t anything serious, just a little gathering to figure out some last minute details for the album listening party being thrown for your friends and family. You didn’t want it to be a huge deal but your label saw it as a marketing opportunity. If it were up to you, it would be a simple get together at your house but they insisted on it being at some club that would have paparazzi waiting to take pictures. You aren’t even sure why you're needed at the meeting because your input wasn’t even being considered, you just sat and gave the ‘stamp of approval’. Ashley was still knocked out when you walked to your kitchen to grab a small breakfast- a protein yogurt and some apple slices. You’d much prefer french toast but your trainer has been onto you about your diet with a tour coming up. You needed to be in good shape to dance and sing at the same time, it was ridiculous how hard it was. 

“Hey Ash, imma head out, i’ll be back soon.” You shake her shoulder lighty. She opens her eyes to some degree and mutters, what sounded like, an ‘okay’. You sighed as you started the engine to your 2000 green Toyota Corolla. It had been making a funny noise before your trip overseas that you had forgotten all about it. A lot of your newer, richer, friends have made fun of your car but you couldn’t find reason to part with it. It still ran and got you where you needed to be. You loved your fugly little car. The car ride was surprisingly short, traffic light. Pulling into the office parking lot, you sent a quick text to Stacy. 

You: please tell me you’re here already 😭

Stacypoo <33: I am. 4th floor, take a right. I’ll wait in the hall for you. 

You sent a thumbs up and made your way to the front doors. The elevator ride was quick, luckily you were the only one in there, saving you from making any awkward small talk with some random person. You were too tired to keep up your friendly demeanor. Stacy was standing outside of an office door when you first saw her. Giving quick hellos, she motioned you into the room. 

“How long do you think they’ll have us sitting here this time?” You ask jokingly. You’ve made yourself as comfortable as possible in the cheap plastic chair with a thin cushion on the seat. With your elbows propped up on the table, your head sat heavy with both hands holding up your cheeks. 

She lets out a snort before responding. “Who knows. I swear these people make us wait on purpose as some kind of power move.” 

Stacy had left London a day before you had. The moment your last interview was over, she was jumping on the first flight back home. She looked well rested and put together. You envied her ability to bounce back into routine so quickly. The two of you filled the small room with back and forth conversation about the day in London she had missed. Three people from your management/ label came tumbling in fifteen minutes later. As you suspected, you were doing a whole lot of nothing. 

“The team we hired are allowed to go into the club at noon to start decorating and the party will start at 10pm.” One of the people spoke, you think his name is Mark, but you aren’t completely sure. 

“Will y/n need to be there at a certain time or is 10 fine?” Stacy asks. 

“She can show up at ten but she won’t be in the main room until 10:30 so she can give a speech and introduce the album.” Stacy gives a nod and types that into her laptop. You didn’t like the idea of giving a speech. 

“Okay, let's go over the guest list one more time and then we can wrap this up.” Mark, you think, says. You’re paying closer attention now, they hand you a list and you skim it. There's a lot of names of people who you consider more of an acquaintance than a friend but you can’t really uninvite them. 

“Um, can I actually add two more people to this list?” You ask and Mark nods. Stacy is giving you a questioning look. 

“Can you add Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman? I um.. I met them the other day and they said they were fans. It would be cool to have them there.” You smile and from the corner of your eye, you can see Stacy pursing her lips, trying to hold back a laugh. One of the other people in the room, not Mark, adds their names to the guest list. Stacy and Mark talk for a few more minutes before the meeting is coming to a close. Once Stacy and yourself are enclosed in the elevator, she’s looking over at you with a lopsided grin, shaking her head slowly. 

“What?” You give her a small chuckle, feeling extra giddy. 

“You're unbelievable. Why even extend the invite to Mr. Reynolds when all you want is to see Huge Jackman.” She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively at the play on Hugh’s name. 

“So not true. They like my music, why not invite them to hear the album before anyone else?” You deny her accusations. 

“Whatever you say y/n.” She drags out the ‘ever’ a little too long to emphasize just how much she doesn’t believe a word you say. The elevator is opening and the walk to the parking lot is silent. Stacy bids you goodbye and says that she would be in touch soon before she’s walking away. 

“Wait! Stacy!” You call out to her and she’s turning back to you.  “I need you to track down Hugh’s number, I want to personally invite him.” You smirk and she’s just shaking her head in a joking manner. 

“Byeee Stacypoooo!” 

—

When you got home, Ashley was awake and watching tv on your couch. You sat with her and talked about everything you had learned at the meeting. She was more excited for the event than you were, it was her type of scene. You knew you'd end up having fun once you were there but you were nervous. You might have left out the fact that you had invited Ryan and Hugh as last minute guests- it was something she could find out the day of if they showed up. She left not too long after, leaving you to pick up your home a little bit. You cleaned it pretty thoroughly before leaving the country but you felt a little overwhelmed by the unpacked luggage that sat in the middle of your living room floor. You packed too much clothing for the short trip, a lot of what was in the suitcase never even got worn. You decided to throw it all in the washer anyway. Dirtys clothes touching clean clothes makes them all dirty in your mind. In the middle of moving your laundry into the washing machine, your phone quacked signaling that Stacy had messaged you. She earned her own notification sound after the endless mixed texts and calls over the first few months of her working for you. It was a terrible habit you had, not answering your phone, but you usually paid attention to it when you were expecting contact. You pressed start on the machine and sauntered over to the kitchen counter your phone sat on. 

Stacypoo <33: the deed is done…have fun loser 

There was a second text that contained a number to which you assumed was Hugh’s. You smiled brightly as you texted Stacy a quick ‘thank you, love you’ text with a million heart emojis. You wasted no time, immediately creating contact for the man you were so eager to see again. 

You: hey hugh, it’s y/n! my label is throwing a listening party for my album that’s coming out soon and I thought it would be really cool if you were there. no pressure to come if you don’t want to but it’s on september 14th at Disco Lights at 10pm. 😊💕

You hit send, put your phone back on the counter, and ran across your house, needing to be as far away from the device as possible. Keeping yourself busy was probably your best option right now, so that’s what you did. You continued where you left off by putting your suitcases back into the storage closet in your hallway. Living alone made you realize how neat of a person you were. Back home it felt like you were constantly cleaning but you didn’t have to do as much in your own home. It was a simple three bedroom with one and a half bathrooms. Two of the three rooms weren’t used that frequently- one being a guest bed and the other being an at home studio/ office. The most you had to do was an occasional dust and sweep. You ran out of things to do too quickly. It had maybe been an hour since you sent the text and you were too nervous to even take a peek at your phone yet. You walked over to the counter comically slow and stared down at the phone screen, too afraid to look at the notifications. There were only three outcomes to this situation- one he doesn’t respond, two he can’t come, or three he agrees to come. You were hoping it was the latter option. The worst outcome was him ignoring you, you hated being ignored. It would also overall be the awkwardest outcome because his team will more than likely extend the invite to him as well. Maybe it would have been easier that way but you really wanted an excuse to get his number and talk to him. 

It felt like eternity had passed before you finally grabbed your phone, but in reality it was probably only a minute, you’ve never had the best self restraint. You unlocked it, opening the home screen, not even bothering to look at the pile of notifications, instead opting to go straight into the message app. 

Hugh Jackman 🥰: Hey y/n. I’d be delighted to come. 😁

You let out a loud screech after reading the message. If you were laying down, you’d be kicking your feet in the air and twirling your hair. You knew he was old but the way he texted did something to you. It was weird but the simplicity in his words was such a turn on. Everything about him turned you on, he was sex on legs, and he was coming to your party. You checked the time he sent the message to see that he responded only ten minutes after you had sent yours. You felt bad for leaving him hanging for so long. 

You: YAY!! I’ll see you there 😘

The added kiss was bold and flirty, you’d hope he would see it as such. You wanted to continue texting him but didn’t want to bother him, so you left it up for him to decide to text you back or not. Just as you were about to swipe out of the app, three little dots popped up at the bottom of the screen. 

Hugh Jackman 🥰: What should I wear? I haven’t been to a club in awhile. 

You: wear whatever you want. I'm sure you’d look good in anything ;)

Hugh Jackman 🥰: Thank you sweetheart. I genuinely do need help though. I’m too old to pick out club clothes. 😂

You: hmmm.. if it would help I could send you a picture of my outfit? maybe it will inspire you 

Hugh Jackman 🥰: Yeah we can try that. 

Ashley begged you to go shopping with her the moment you told her about the event and you both have had outfits picked out for a few weeks. When you got home that day, you put on the outfit, snapping a quick mirror picture to send to your hair and makeup artist so she could start brainstorming. You opted to send the same picture to Hugh. 

Hugh Jackman 🥰: Oh! That’s nice. 

You laughed at that. The picture of you wasn’t the best quality but you still looked hot. You were wearing a silver mini skirt that was lined with large sequins, ones that reminded you of a purse you had when you were younger. The top was a silver latex halter top that made your cleavage look devine. To top the look off, you wore a pair of shiny silver heels that could almost be classified as stilettos, but you wanted to be able to move around comfortably. You could have easily pulled the outfit out of your closet and snapped a picture of it but you wanted to tease him.

You: thank you! did that help at all? 😊

Hugh Jackman 🥰: Yeah, it did... Thank you sweetheart. 

You: no problem! 

He didn’t respond right away this time and being the menace you are, you were hoping it was because you made him flustered. 

—

The two and half weeks leading up to the listening party seemed to drag on now that you were more excited for it. Now that Hugh was coming, you were also extra nervous. While you got your hair and makeup done, all you could think about was how everyone was about to hear about your sex fantasies for almost an hour straight. You were counting on the beat of the music and the fact that this was everyone's first listening to distract them from processing the lyrics right away. You hadn’t heard much from Hugh and you were scared that you might have offended him with the picture you had sent. You decided to send a text two days ago asking if he was still planning on coming, to which he replied positively. 

Butterflies danced around your tummy as you posed for a few pictures before you went out to join the party. You could hear it in full swing, a playlist that you had curated playing in the background. Breathing in and out slowly, someone handed you a microphone and you were being ushered to a small stage that sat in the back of the club. The music got turned down and the lights centered towards you, a wave of quiet flooded the room. 

“Hi everyone! I’m beyond thankful for everyone here tonight. This album has been so much fun to make and I feel like it really represents me as an artist. It pays tribute to the amazing women of the late 90s and early 2000s who changed the pop game and who inspired me to make music. I really hope y’all like it! Without further ado, here is ‘Secret Sounds’!” The gathering of your friends, family, and acquaintances cheer as the first song starts to play. You rush over to the side to hand the mic back to the crew member and you begin to make your rounds. You stop here and there, speaking to people you hardly know, thanking them for being here. The club was packed, making it hard to move around without stopping to talk every step you took. There were only a few people you really wanted to see right now. A smile is glued to your face, soaking in all the love in the room, with it only being partially forced. You can see Ashley across the crowd and you start making your way towards her. You don’t make it far before there's a hand on your shoulder stopping you. 

“Hey baby.” A familiar voice comes from behind you causing your smile to drop as you turn around. 

“Pedro…what are you doing here?” You ask with a mix of shock and irritation in your voice. 

“You invited me, remember?” He’s smiling as if he hadn’t broken up with you in the cruelest way almost two months ago. 

“I thought you’d be smart enough to take the breakup and me ignoring you as being uninvited.” You roll your eyes. 

“Don’t be like that baby.” He’s smiling down at you with those stupid puppy dog eyes. He reaches down to grab your waist but you step back before he can. 

“Don’t touch me!” You say louder than anticipated but no one’s paying attention to you over the loud music. “You broke up with me, remember?” You’re thoroughly pissed off. 

“I know, baby and  I regret it everyday. I want you back y/n. I need you back…” He’s reaching for you again, you step back again. 

“I said don’t touch me..” You don’t yell this time. You need to get away from him. This was supposed to be your night and he’s ruining it. You go to turn around but you’re stopped by a very hard object.

“Is everything okay over here?” A gruff voice asks and you feel two hands grab either side of your arms. “Are you okay?” You look up to see Hugh looking down at you, concern in his eyes. 

“Hugh..” Your voice is weak and breathless. 

“Oh don’t tell me you already moved on?” Pedro lets out, anger lining his words. “What is he, your boyfriend? I wasn’t old enough for you y/n? You had to run and fuck my friend?” His voice grows louder and louder but miraculously no one seems to notice the commotion. 

“He’s not my boyfriend…” You mumble, too embarrassed by the situation. 

“What’s it to you? Huh? Why don’t you mind your business and leave.” Hugh’s voice matches Pedro’s energy effortlessly. He lets go of your arms and instead points an angry finger at Pedro. 

“You know what, I don't need this and I don’t need you.” Pedro says looking into your eyes with a malicious stare. “Good luck with her, she’s nothing but a good fuck and trouble.” He’s walking away before either of you could answer. You felt Hugh go to move towards the directions Pedro went but you stop him by putting your hand on his chest. 

“Don’t…” You whisper and you weren’t sure if he could hear you over the music. Tears were starting to pool at the bottom of your eyes, threatening to escape. 

“Are you okay y/n?” Hugh asks and that’s all it takes before you let out a soft sob. He puts his hand under your chin and is lifting your head. “Let's get you out of here, is that okay?” All you can do is nod. You grab his hand and walk towards the hallway that leads to the room you got ready in. You open the door and make your way to the couch that sits along the wall. Hugh follows behind, closing the door and takes a seat close to you but not too close. He doesn’t say anything, what could he say?

“I’m sorry.” You let out, tears still falling. You pull your knees up, trying to hide the tears from Hugh, even if he already knew they were there. 

“You have nothing to be sorry for, sweetheart.” He cautiously places a hand on your back and rubs it in soft circles, soothing you. You untuck your head for a moment. 

“You shouldn’t have had to deal with that.” You frown at him. 

“What he did is not your fault. Okay?” You can’t find the energy to answer him right away, not sure if you truly believe his words, but you nod anyway. 

“I shouldn’t have asked you to come.” Sadness fills your voice.

“What? Why not?” He asks confusingly. 

“Everyone is going to think what Pedro thought, that you’re my boyfriend. We shouldn’t be seen together. It won’t be good for you.” 

“Hey, don’t think like that sweetheart. Whatever we are is our business, nobody else's. I want to be seen with you, I'm here to support you. I don’t care what people have to say. I’m not him.” His hand stopped moving around your back, eyes filled with an emotion you can’t quite place. 

I’m not him

You don’t respond but you do feel better about the whole situation. You can hear the fourth song of your album playing and you get hit with another rush of sadness. 

“I should probably go back out there, people will start to wonder where I am.” Your voice is barely above a whisper. 

“Let's get you cleaned up. Stay right here.” Hugh stands up and grabs a tissue, wetting it slightly by pouring a few drops of water from a water bottle onto it. He walks over and bends down, sitting on his knees right in front of you. Even at this angle, his head is still resting above yours. Hugh grabs your chin lightly and begins to dab the tissue, wiping your tears away. You can feel the heat from the air leaving his nose hitting your face. It’s comforting in a way.

“There we go, good as new.” He says with a big smile. Your faces are inches away from each other and you wanted nothing more than to reach out and pull him in. 

“Thank you Hugh. For everything.” You return his smile, eyes locked onto his. You took a moment to appreciate his appearance. He was wearing a pair of black jeans and a gray, almost silver button up, as if he tried to match with you. 

“Don’t mention it sweetheart” He stands up and offers his hand to you. “Now let’s get the star of the show back out there, yea?” 

You grab his hand and smile. “Do I look okay?” You ask, afraid that your disheveled state might have ruined your hair or outfit somehow. You pull him towards a mirror to check your full appearance, a firm grip still on his hand. It engulfed yours beautifully. 

“You look gorgeous.” You can tell he means it by the look in his eyes and the small smile that sits on his face. You see a flicker of something in his eyes, you don't fully catch it, but before you can think it over, he’s leaning down to leave a soft kiss on the crown of your head. 

“Let’s go.” He says pulling you out of the room and back into the sea of people, never letting go of your hand.

Thank you for reading!!

part four

series taglist: @chronicallybubbly @spideybv28 @pear-1206 @robertthehoover @reidsworld @bloody-bunni666 @quillycrow @kythefangirl25 @bluetimeombre @cskidjgsjaoaknayan52782 @thewiselionessss @annagraceevanss @peterparkernotfound @rogueinmymind @samsamsantos @wolviesgirl @white-wolf-buckaroo @weskerussy @marvelgirlie-4 @honey-ros3ss @nonamevenus @nizem8 @chaimshelii @rockerchick05 @starryeddie @saylak @haytchee @godlypresley

I think I got everyone who asked to be added on! Please let me know if I missed you or if it didn't work.

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[nycreid]

could you do how popstar!reader and spencer met and like the early days of them when they were talking but not fully dating quite yet. like reader being really down bad and obsessed with him and writing about him all the time. pleaseeeeee i love the popstar au xx

Smitten

spencer reid x fem!popstar!reader

hiii anon!!! tysm for ur request and i’m sorry this is late 😞😞

Y/N knew it was the honeymoon stage but her cheeks hurt from smiling and she couldn’t help but pick up her pen and start writing about Spencer, love songs about Spencer to be specific. The days of sad songs are in her past now as Spencer sheds a new light on love for her.

They have been prancing around each other for a few weeks, the words “Can I be your boyfriend?” dancing on Spencer’s tongue and Y/N falling smitten each day with him.

The way the light reflected off his perfect sculpted cheekbones, oh how his hair messily falls perfectly, and how he felt comfortable rambling about anything and everything to her and her always listening. So, of course Y/N had to write a song about him.

“You the medication when I'm feeling anxious

That's the kind of shit I like

Teach me how to love you

I'm not learning what ain't right

I want you to keep speaking my love language.”

Was it a little direct? Maybe, but writing her feelings was the best way to let them out. Y/N releases the song on a hot day in July, the perfect song to blast on the radio on a summer road trip.

Spencer rarely drives but on the way to the BAU, he decides to turn on the radio, something pulling him to (specifically the pop radio), and he hears a light tune and your voice running on the track.

“Hm, he hasn’t heard this one before? Is this new?” Spencer thought, he can’t help but have a smile grow on his face as he listens to the song, infatuated with your voice and cheeks warm as he listens to the lyrics.

Spencer can’t help but dial your number first thing as he pulls into the parking lot and gives you a call, and you immediately answer.

“Hey, I just heard your new song? It’s- um, it’s good!” Spencer manages to sputter out while his cheeks are still a bit flushed, was this whole thing a sign for him to wake up and ask her to be official?

“Oh hey Spencer! Thank you, I’m glad you like it.” Y/N says with a teasing smile that Spencer can practically hear over the phone.

Spencer is already planning the date where he’s asking you to be his girlfriend, “Um, wanna grab dinner with me this weekend?” He mentally face palms himself for being too direct. “Sorry- was that too forward?”

Y/N chuckles, “I would love to go to dinner with you, and no it wasn’t.” Y/N smiles, “I like a man who’s forward.”

—

idk how to feel abt this i hope u enjoy anon!!! x pls send in more popstar!reader requests🙏

song is love language by ariana grande 💋

[reivrze]

how enha fell for you </3

a/n : ok so the request wasn't really clear so i just went with "when/how did enha realize they were in love with you". i ended up getting the exact same request as i was writting this so it works out, thank you for requesting and enjoy !

pairing. enhypen x reader genre. floof warning. none

l. heeseung . ⁺

you and heeseung would have gone on a little late-night outing at the basketball court not far from your house. it was made clear quite quickly that your skills were far from impressive. as you kept missing shots, stumbling on your own feet and fumbling passes, heeseung was laughing his ass off y'all know when he laughs really hard, his laugh echoing through the empty court. feeling so annoyed at your lack of skill, you bent down, hiding your face in your knees. heeseung approached you, trying hard to stop himself from laughing.

'c-c'mon y/n.. you're not..that.. bad?" he couldn't even get through the whole sentence without starting to laugh. he rubbed your back, trying to bring up your spirit as he bent down to your level. you got your face out of your knees as you locked eyes with him, slightly glaring at him. at that moment, you were the cutest thing to heeseung, he knew you weren't good at basketball but your efforts to come to play with him made his heart soften. he didn't exactly know why but his heart felt full then, he didn't want the night to end.

p. jongseong . ⁺

i already did this for jay here

s. jaeyun . ⁺

jaeyun had been sick for the past few days and had been confined in his room and bedridden. him being your best friend, you missed him way too much to not sneak into his bedroom while the rest of the guys were out of the dorm. you had brought him multiple choices of ramyeon and your laptop to watch movies with him. jake had initially protested, not wanting to get you sick but honestly you couldn't care less as you scooched him over and took your place under the covers next to him.

you were well into the movie, stuffing your face with noodles when jake looked over at you, eyes all drowsy as his fever tired him out. you looked perfectly imperfect this sounds backhanded but wait, your hair was all messy, blanket up to your neck, and mouth stuffed with food, despite not looking your most "put together" jake couldn't help the feeling of his heart swelling at the sight

p. sunghoon . ⁺

sunghoon had been invited to a photo shoot for the vogue magazine. feeling a little anxious, he had asked you to come with him, you didn't have any plans so you agreed to come. he looked so good, his hair styled to fit his face perfectly and his makeup making his eyes pop. during the five-minute break, he shared that he felt a little anxious, still not feeling sure about how he was doing.

wanting to cheer him up, when he had gone back in front of the camera, you were ready to cheer compliments at him for the rest of the shoot.

"Wow! Sunghoon is so handsome! I'm going to faint!" sorry y'all idk how to compliment others.

he couldn't hide the little smile making its way to his face. he appreciated you being there so much, you were his little cheerleader. making eye contact with you, his heart swooned as he realized he never wants to have to go through anything without you by his side.

k. sunoo . ⁺

sunoo and you had gone to a park, you hadn't seen each other in a while and had wanted to spend the day together. you had brought a volleyball, those mini cakes with drinks, a game of twister, etc. you had a full afternoon planned ahead of you. as you caught each other on what was going on in your lives, a kid had come up to you, an adorable little girl in a cute pink dress with little pigtails. the little girl approached you and gave you a little flower, the girl explained that her mom was just a few meters away and had allowed her to come over here. she took a seat on your lap as sunoo squealed at her cuteness. seeing you with such a big smile and with the cutest little girl on your lap, he found the whole scene so endearing, his heart beating suddenly fast, seeing you in a new light for the first time.

y. jungwon . ⁺

jungwon and you had been invited to a mutual friend's birthday party. you had gone together as you didn’t live far from each other. as you entered the party, you and jungwon quickly got separated as each other's friends pulled you guys apart to rejoin your friends group. the night had been an amusing experience, laughter and music filling the room. as much fun as each of you was having, jungwon couldn't help but miss you a little, he had been excited to hear you'd be coming to the party too, he was a little bummed to be separated from you all night.

jungwon kept an eye on you all night from afar. his heart tightened when he saw one of your guy friends put his arm around you, whispering something in your ear as you laughed. that should've been him making you laugh. this jealousy was a brand new feeling for him. all he knew was that he didn't want anyone other than him to be close to you. telling his friends he'd be right back, he made his way to where you were standing, not thinking much about it, he grabbed your wrist and pulled you to him, bringing you to where he was previously, wanting to keep not only a closer eye on you but his hand in yours to make sure nobody would try to flirt with you

n. riki . ⁺

you were already at the boy's dorm when niki came back from an errand he was running. he wasn't expecting you to be there but was pleasantly surprised to see your face. he had joined you on the couch where you were playing mario kart against sunghoon and sunoo. niki had found your little concentrated face endearing in a way. the way the space between your eyebrows wrinkled, the way your eyes were slightly squinting and the way your bottom lip was stuck under your teeth. the simple moment was enough for him to get the tender realization that he was hopelessly in love with you.

© miyu 2023 - do not copy, translate, repost or plagiarise my work anywhere !

[bones-of-a-rabbit]

the abandonment issues au,,

where Sun and Moon gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss their way into ur heart

and then turn into sad wet baby kittens when u find out and call them out on it <3

(copy and pasted from the space aces discord, sorry fellas lmao)

abandonment issues au:

ok what if. fucked up au time

where. reader is the new daycare assistant or a mechanic or smthn idk theyre working withh Sun and Moon thats the important part

i think it works better if theyre like, Sun n Moon's handler? Bc they r closer that way and it makes it more fucked up lmaooooo

so basically. this takes place right after Sun n Moon had their best friend-handler person leave bc Sun n Moon had been acting increasingly volatile n buggy n rlly just having issues but the more the previous handler tried to talk to them abt it and fix it the more they got anxious abt getting decommissioned and would cover up the problems n act like nothing was wrong

and eventually one day the previous handler nearly got rlly hurt and knew they had to leave bc it wasn't safe for them and they left a detailed warning/report for the mechanics

(and they didnt say goodbye, not out of malice or anything just bc they didnt want even more reasons for Sun n Moon to act up/potentially hurt them or themselves)

so. the mechanics did a total clean up of Sun n Moon's system, basically left their memories but scrubbed their data of a lot of the 'feelings' they'd had- mostly wiping away the feelings tied to 'good' memories, and the only thing Sun n Moon could do to fill in the void of 'feelings' was assign different feelings in their place, so when they once looked back and felt happy or nostalgic, now they feel confused and angry and sad and betrayed bc why was all of that happiness taken from them?? why did their handler hurt them like this??

so the scrubbing of their systems, which was one thing they really really didn't want to have done for fear of losing their memories entirely, DID work in putting their issues on a much lower level,, but it didn't get rid of the issues entirely. Now they're just,, easier to hide or play off or ignore. They're careful around the kids, of course, but they do at times have trouble with their motor controls or their speech will glitch slightly, etc

a few handlers come and go, never staying for more than a week or so- none of them really care about the job, don't see Sun n Moon as coworkers but more like fancy 'machines' with no real thoughts or emotions, they normally leave after Sun or Moon has a glitchy moment and nearly hurts them or, in at least one case, does hurt them by squeezing their wrist too hard. more often than not, the ppl applying for the position read the list of warnings n cautions and are like 'hell nahh' and bail immediately

then. in comes,, reader. local dumbass. most endearing of idiots. a bit dense. very much clueless. dearly beloved

you're the first one to really treat them like your coworkers, making small talk and being friendly and kind and patient and laughing at their jokes. you smile when you introduce yourself, offering your hand for them to shake- not afraid of them or their little twitches at all. god, how they missed that. you remind them of their previous handler, if only in how you see them like theyre people and not machines.

and they make a mutual agreement to do whatever they can to keep you as their handler. even if it means dodging around company rules and policies by doing something like crumpling up the confidential 'warning' forms, ortelling the occasional white lie, like forging your signature onto the papers when your back is turned and making sure it makes it to your manager without either of you noticing who exactly was putting it on their desk.

you've already started calling them your friends the first time they have a glitchy moment. you're doing detailing work on their endoskeleton, really just cleaning dust away and making sure everything looks the way it does in the manual, when they break something- a tablet, a pen, your phone, whatever it is, it happens in an instant and startles you.

when Sun n Moon come to and realize whats happened theyre terrified. what if you use this as some kind of excuse to leave? What if you abandon them, just like their previous handler did? What if you start treating them differently, or you tell the staff that they need to be scrapped

so when you ask what that was about, they're frantic, quick to come up with something, anything that might make you shrug and forget all about it,

"Well, you WERE just working on their insides, right? That must have been something YOU did to suddenly make us do something like THAT! There's no way else it could have happened. Right?"

You take the lie hook, line, and sinker, apologizing profusely, promising to try harder to make sure nothing like that happens again. The relief they feel is almost euphoric. They pat you on the head kindly, reassuring you that they know you didn't do it on purpose, it was just a little mess up! You're fine, friend, we forgive you.

From then on, they dodge blame and truth alike, most often redirecting your attention to something you must have said or done to make something so strange and out of character for them happen so suddenly, and you believe them, full of apologies and careful words and actions and nervous worrying about doing things wrong and hurting them somehow. It's cute, how anxious you can get. It's cuter, how you melt for their comfort and reassurance. 

They play the song and dance with you again and again, weaving doubt and guilt into you more and more frequently. Until one day, you mumble something about how 'maybe i'm not cut out for this, maybe i should switch to be on the janitorial team instead, or some other department, i don't want to hurt you guys, or-or be the reason someone else gets hurt, i clearly dont know what im doing, and it's only gotten worse, maybe i should talk to my manager,,' and they panic

don't be silly, friend!!!! you can't just leave like that, what about the kids, what about that puppet show you had helped them plan, did you really want to just abandon all that?? so what if maybe they had the occasional hiccup, you were always there to smooth it over, who cared whether they dropped things from time to time, or- or broke a toy or two, that didn't matter, did it??? You were getting so good at being their handler, your little mistakes were normal, come on, you don't want to leave your very best friends. Do you?

and you cave, agreeing to stay, and they are so, so extremely careful to hide their little moments from you for several weeks, making sure you don't notice their tiny twitches or split seconds of glitchy voices, maybe keeping a closer eye on you than would be comfortable, watching over your shoulder each time you type up a report about the day, giving the manager a loathsome glower behind your back whenever they happen by,, and every time you leave you say 'i'll see you guys tomorrow!,' they grab onto your sleeve and respond with 'promise?' so you always know that they really, really do want you to come back

and then. one day,, you decide to go looking in their files for something small and silly, like what kinds of updates had been added to their pick-up protocols, and you find the warnings and cautions forms

and you see your signature on them, but you would definitely remember this and you are absolutely certain you have never seen these papers in your life. and you take the papers and you go to ask them about it.

"i thought you said you never had any problems before? you told me you never had any issues before but this- this is full of things that you- and you, you've been having these problems for that long??"

they stumble over their words, frantic, panicked, backpedaling on everything theyve ever said, trying meekly to grab the papers from your hands, piling excuses on excuses 

"you knew? you knew you were having these problems, and you didn't tell me? and you- you told me it was my fault!"

you're close to tears, hurt that they lied more than anything. you keep backing away from them, dodging their attempts to get the forms. they don't know which is worse- seeing that look on your face, or when they were left without so much as a goodbye.

"you could have told me. i thought i was the reason for everything, i thought i was hurting you, and you just... you lied right to my face and let me think that."

theyre putting on their best soothing voice, movements slow and gentle, wanting to comfort you and wipe those tears away and reassure you somehow that this- this isn't their fault, none of it is, it never was, they're fine and you're fine and nothing was ever wrong, and everything will be fine if only you calm down and stay

you can tell they arent really listening. you take a deep breath and turn away from them, scraping the tears from your face. you tell them you're going to go home and write up a report about all of this and when you come back you can go over it together before you send it to management, but right now you're leaving because you need space to breathe and time to think

but all they hear is that you're leaving, and they panic.

they don't hurt you, of course! but right now you're not allowed to leave.

you try to shut out the sound of them crying and apologizing and begging, even if it breaks your heart, because right now all you want to do is go home and lie in your stupid bed and have a stupid cry in your favorite pajamas. but you try every door you can think of- none of them open. you've sstayed past closing more than once, but the doors aren't normally shuttered for another two hours,, and you're pretty sure the night guard isn't even here yet

the entire time you're walking around the 'plex, Moon is trailing sadly behind you, waiting with the saddest, most pathetic wet cat look an animatronic can achieve, for you to turn and face them again

and thus begins what is probably the longest night of your life, spent trying to avoid your animatronic friends/coworkers who are acting like the worlds clingiest ex who just got broken up with and who can't stop dropping sad love songs in ur dms

by the time morning rolls around, they agree to actually go to parts n services and cooperate and try their best to get whatever is wrong with them repaired, even if it means they might get decomissioned. in the mean time, you promise to come back once they're fixed and work with them to help them get back to their old selves- or at least, back to how they were before any potentially dangerous bugs

basically this is the 'sun and moon have abandonment issues and gaslight you abt it' au

idk what else would happen tbh idk why i thought this au needed to exist either but here we are *lays facedown in a puddle*

[decks-writing-blog]

Whatever the Fuck Benrey Is: Chapter Ten: I Hate That You're Right

Chapter One

Previous Chapter

~

‘We’re heading back now. See you in a few hours,’ Gordon’s text read when Benrey returned to his phone post indulging in a hot shower. It was dated twenty minutes ago so that ‘few hours’ still stood as a long time. But at least when he did finally get here, Benrey would have someone to play games with again.

‘k’ Benrey sent back. He’d behaved, despite largely being bored for this long, he could last a little longer. With nothing else to do for now though, he settled in for more solo gaming.

Over the next hour or so, he exchanged a couple more texts with Gordon, nothing substantial, just idle chit-chat. Not too long after that conversation petered out, Tommy texted him with, ‘Mr. Freeman fell asleep in backseat. I’m a bit worried after yesterday. This morning he said he slept the whole night through after falling asleep at the table so he shouldn’t be tired anymore, right? Dr. Coomer says its probably fine but IDK. Humans don’t normally sleep this much, do they?’

Gordon had lied; he’d been on the phone with Benrey most of last night again, claiming his nap had been enough sleep so he wanted Benrey to play the rest of Wind Waker ‘with’ him. The call had ended because he needed to head to breakfast before heading out. If he was lying about having slept to Tommy though then perhaps he’d been lying to Benrey too. Staying up all night wasn’t a non-issue. Maybe the napping made up for it but then why was he lying about it to Tommy? Benrey had no way of knowing so… ‘idk’

‘Yeah. I guess you wouldn’t know either. Maybe it’s the car making him sleepy because he fell asleep during our 1st ride too.’ After staying up most of the prior night too. Something was up for sure.

How important could sleep be even for fragile humans though? Gordon was an idiot sometimes, sure, but he wouldn’t willingly do something dangerous. The sleeping all night thing was probably just because humans liked the sun and didn’t want to fall asleep randomly in the middle of the day like Gordon kept doing. The sun was nice after all so Benrey understood. ‘prbly its fine’

From there their conversation drifted to other things before also petering out. Having a good conversation over text message was a bit hard and Benrey quickly grew too antsy to sit still for it. This was the longest he’d been away from Black Mesa ever and the call to wander the town more couldn’t be ignored now that it was really starting to sink in that this might be a permanent life change. Being in a similar boat, Bubby might want to go on a walk with him. They could bond over being lab experiments seeing the world for the first time. And so, leaving his phone on charge, he grabbed his camera and headed off to find Bubby.

***

The first thing Gordon did upon returning to the hotel was take a long shower. During which, he did his best not to worry about where Benrey had got off to. A text from Bubby had revealed that the two of them had gone off on a walk that had taken them further than they’d intended and were on their way back. Nothing to worry about, it made sense in fact, but… what were they doing on that walk?

Such thoughts were just Gordon being anxious though. Less than good sleep the past few nights made his anxiety spike. As far as he knew Benrey had behaved since it had been made clear to him what he had to gain for doing so, there was no reason for him to stop now.

Despite having mostly soothed his worries, he was hit with a rush of relief upon stepping out of the bathroom and finding Benrey sitting in one of the chairs, waiting for him. He’d shifted back to a less human look; his skin a light gray-purple, his hair dark purple, and his eyes an even more piercing yellow than last Gordon had seen them as such.

“Yo, play with me, you said you would.” He gestured with the Game Cube controller in his hand to the TV screen which already had the Melee character select menu open. His voice sounded odd in person after how long they’d talked on the phone for, almost as if it belonged to a different person. His phone friend that had kept him sane the past few nights couldn’t possibly be the same Benrey that had once tormented him.

Shaking off that odd feeling, Gordon walked over to sit in the chair next to him, picking up the other controller laid down on its armrest. “Good to see you again too.” That was entirely true because somehow his ‘phone friend’ and Benrey were indeed the same person. Probably for Benrey it had all been just more games and him being bored; he didn’t care about keeping Gordon sane, he just wanted something to do as well as the PS3 promised for good behavior. But that was fine, Gordon had never had much in the way of friends so he’d take whatever he could get because he’d really needed it the few few nights and still needed it now.

~

They played Melee and then Mario Kart for longer than was probably wise. In Gordon’s defense, Benrey insisted on playing just a little be longer each time he brought up that they should probably quit soon and Gordon hadn’t had the willpower to deny him when he wanted to keep playing too. Eventually though, partly due to his need to get something to eat, he did break away to go out for food.

By unspoken, unquestioned agreement that only hit Gordon as odd once in the car, Benrey went with him. Sitting down for a late lunch with him should’ve felt odd too but instead it felt completely normal even though he didn’t eat anything despite Gordon’s offer to get him something. Instead he sat across from Gordon, making idle conversation even as he played more on the Game Boy.

Afterwards came finding a storage facility with enough room for all the Black Mesa stuff they currently had packed into all the cars they’d brought over plus whatever else might be salvaged before they found a good temporary lab. Dr. Coomer and Tommy were still off with the rest of the scientists who’d returned to Tuefort. A quick text conversation with them ensured they’d continued to be kept busy for a while longer, allowing Gordon to not have to worry about dropping Benrey off back at the hotel before starting the search.

Tuefort being a small town made it easy to find a decent looking place that sold storage units. Because it wasn’t his money and in case the lab took a while to find and set up, Gordon went ahead and rented the biggest storage shed available. With Benrey’s help – who surprisingly didn’t complain too much upon being asked for assistance – he unloaded everything in the car he’d borrowed. It then took another trip to grab the rest of it from the other vehicles and store that too.

Once that was done, he was basically free for the rest of the day. Not that there was a whole lot of the day left. But it wasn’t so late that the library would be closed for another hour or two probably. So, still trying not to let his exhaustion show too much, he headed that way next. If he was lucky, he could do some good research today and then in the next couple days settle on a suitable place to live, allowing them to move out of the hotel rather quickly. Probably it wasn’t going to be that fast or easy but the sooner he started looking, presumably the sooner they’d be out too.

Speaking of moving into a more permanent place though, the assumption was that Benrey would be moving in with him. At the time of making that assumption it had felt like a somewhat unfortunate necessity, now it didn’t seem so bad. In fact, it would be rather enjoyable; constant company and someone to play games with. But well with his opinion of Benrey going up… “Do you want to live with me?” he asked as he pulled the car to a stop in the library’s mostly barren parking lot. It was rude not to ask him what he wanted, right? They were friends now and thus his thoughts on where he wanted to live mattered.

Benrey looked up from his game. “Uh… I don’t really got anywhere else to go.”

“Yeah but… well, I was talking about it with the others the morning Bubby left to head back here. I floated the idea that we find a place big enough for us all to live together, share the rent and all that. Tommy declined though ‘cause he prefers living alone with just Sunkist and Bubby said he wants to try living alone too. So we all kinda decided to just get our own places but uh… you weren’t there of course and it was already kinda assumed you’d stay roommates with me but… do you want that?”

“The other option is Coomer, right? Uh… nah, he’s not as much of a gamer as you.”

“The other, other option is you get your own place too.” Gordon still didn’t like the idea of Benrey going off into the world on his own without anyone nearby to even attempt to keep a leash on him but… it felt wrong to not bring it up as an option. He’d lived in the lab his whole life, not having his own space except for the gamer pad but presumably that was just a single room. He deserved a chance at more. “You can’t right now ‘cause you don’t have a job but you could start looking for one. And then once you find one and are able to, you could move out on your own.” That would hopefully delay it long enough for Benrey to be more set in being good and thus it would be less of an issue.

Benrey was silent for a few seconds as he stared out the front window. “So I could uh… have my own like, house? All mine, no one else’s?”

“Yes. Obviously getting you a job is easier said than done since you don’t have like a social security number or whatever. But we could figure something, I’m sure.” People forged those kinds of things all the time, didn’t they? “Just something to start thinking about and maybe working towards if you want it. For now though, you are stuck with me so c’mon, let’s go do some research and stuff.” He opened his door, allowing him to slide out.

After pocketing the Game Boy, Benrey followed suit, falling in step with him as they started for the library entrance. “How’s the library gonna help us find a place to live?”

“They got computers we can borrow to do research on.”

“We could’ve just used the hotel manager’s again. They leave pretty early, I think.”

“Nope. I can’t walk through walls so I’m not risking setting off an alarm by breaking in. But uh, you ever been in a library before?”

“In games, yeah. They seemed boring in real life.” Figures he’d both think that and that that would be the case.

“Nah, they’re cool. I’ll get you a library card while we’re here so you can use a computer and maybe check stuff out if you want to.”

“Hmm… okay.”

***

True to Gordon’s word, the library was cooler than it had seemed in theory. The books were indeed boring but there were so many of them, more than Benrey had ever seen in a single room before, they wrapped back around to be interesting to look at and run his fingers over as he walked along the aisles. In addition to them there were also movies and music CD’s available to check out. No video games but according to Gordon that might happen one day. The computers didn’t have any games installed on it but it was free to use with nothing but a library card which was pretty cool.

In all, it was enough to keep Benrey entertained while Gordon did his research. Occasionally he quietly called Benrey over or just texted him to get him to look at and give his thoughts on this or that apartment or house listing. Benrey didn’t have much of an opinion on most of it but Gordon considering his input to be important was novel enough he tried his best to provide some anyway.

Despite the newness of his environment and Gordon’s occasional desire for his opinion, his thoughts kept circling back around to having his own place. Never had he considered the idea before Gordon offered it. Not just a small room in an out of the way part of Black Mesa but a whole living set up, multiple rooms, possibly even a whole building, that was his and only his to do with as he pleased. He could set the temperature as high as he wanted, decorate in whatever way was fun, leave things as much a mess or as clean as he felt like at any given time. On the other hand though… living alone sounded like it might get lonely with the whole ‘alone’ part of that phrase. It was certainly an idea to chew on.

Eventually, around the time the novelty had mostly worn off, it was time to leave because the library was closing. “We can drive around and look at places tomorrow if you like,” Gordon said as they walked out back towards the car.

“Uh, sure.” And perhaps while doing so Benrey would pay attention and try to figure out what kinds of things one was supposed to watch for when looking to buy or rent their own place.

It was starting to get dark by the time they returned to the hotel. Despite that they hung out for a bit with the rest of the Science Team in the dining area for dinner and then a few hours more just to hang out. Upon returning to their room, Benrey had expected Gordon to go to sleep; he’d been yawning a lot, acting rather tired and he’d told the others he was off to bed. As soon as they were alone in their room though… “Wanna play some more Melee?”

Benrey didn’t bother with a verbal response. Instead he went over to pop the game into the console before turning it and the TV on while Gordon pulled the chairs back over. Why they’d even bothered to put the chairs back by the window was beyond Benrey. Who would want to sit idly by the window when there was a TV with a console connected to it?

As they played though, it became more and more obvious that perhaps Gordon should’ve gone to bed after all. Benrey was of course playing one handed, making it fair enough that he could rightfully tease Gordon for losing but also so he’d be challenged still. The latter wasn’t happening anymore. Gordon had been openly frustrated by the losses and the teasing which was fun but that emotional energy started petering out after a couple hours, leaving him boring to play with. Beating him was too easy and he didn’t seem to care, not even when Benrey called him a noob.

So as nice as it was to finally have someone willing to play games with him for a long stretch of time again… “Should probably give up and go to sleep now, huh?”

“Nah, nah, I’m… good for another round or two. Or maybe we could switch to Mario Kart or uh… Mario Party might be fun.”

Benrey, having nabbed Player 1 this time, backed out to the main menu. “You’re tired, it’s making you more stupid than normal.”

Proof of that was Gordon’s failure to look annoyed at being called stupid. “I’m fine. It’s only… uh…” he turned to check on the clock on the nightstand, “it’s not even midnight yet. I can stay up a bit longer.” … He was planning on staying up all night again? Really? Well, time to call him out on his lie then, huh?

Benrey stood and turned off the console and TV. He then walked over to stand in front of Gordon, letting him be the one looking down at him for once. He extended a hand for the controller still in Gordon’s hand. “You had a nightmare one night and then uh… the next night you asked me to help keep you up all night and then you did the same last night too, right?” Basically anyway, he’d called like halfway through it but had ended up staying awake for the rest of it.

Gordon looked at him in silence for a few second before sighing and handing over the controller. “Yeah, sounds about right.”

“Mm-hmm.” Benrey unplugged the controller from the console as he started loosely wrapping its cord around its middle. “And now you wanna stay up a third night in a row.”

“Uh… not the whole night maybe, just a few more hours.”

“But you said on the first night that missing one night wasn’t a problem but otherwise you need to sleep every night.” Benrey had paid attention because Gordon was his pet and he wanted to be a good pet owner.

“Yeah… I guess I did say that. But um… I’ve been napping and that makes up for it?” His voice rose a the end of it, making it a question, not a statement. Benrey wasn’t always good at picking up on those kinds of nuances but Gordon was often bad at not showing his emotions in some form on his face, in his words, or in his body language, making him easier to read than most people. It’s part of why Benrey liked him.

Benrey put the now neatly wrapped controller in its spot next to the Game Cube and unplugged the other one to start wrapping that one too. Wrapping the cord too tightly would be bad for it so he was careful to make it loose. “You lied to Tommy too. Said that uh… you slept all night last night when you didn’t. If napping made up for it, you wouldn’t’ve lied, right?” There wouldn’t have been a need to.

Gordon seemed to shrink under Benrey’s gaze. “Tommy told you I said that, huh?”

“Yep. Said he was worried ‘cause you fell asleep in the car after supposedly sleeping all afternoon and night.” Done wrapping the second controller now too. Which left him nothing to do with his hands as he turned back to Gordon so he just crossed them over his chest instead. “You’re a dirty lil’ liar, huh? Naughty boi.”

With a grimace, Gordon stood. “Look, I know I should sleep. It’s bad not to, I know that.But… well… I know I’m less likely to have a nightmare now that I’m finally out of that hellhole again. But I can almost guarantee I don’t have one, or at least don’t have a particularly vivid one,if I just stay up until I’m so exhausted I pass out. I promise that’s it’s… well, actually that is really fucking bad now that I’ve said it out loud but I just…” He trialed off with a groan as he rubbed his hand over his face. “I hate that you’re right.”

“Ha ha. I’m always right.”

“No, no you’re not. But you are right about this. So I guess I gotta go to bed. Do you think that we could…” He stopped as he looked away. Benrey waited for him to continue but after more than a minute of him just staring off into space, it became clear he wasn’t going to.

“We could what?”

Gordon flinched before he finally looked back up at Benrey. “Sorry I’m… real fucking tired. I’ll get ready for bed now. Thanks for… thanks.” He shambled over to the closet to pull out his pajamas before heading into the bathroom.

Benrey stared after him for a couple seconds before pulling out his phone. His first instinct was to text Tommy because Tommy knew lots of things about all sorts of stuff. But Tommy wasn’t human and didn’t need to sleep – though he did so every night anyway because he liked to, he was weird like that. Bubby also wouldn’t be a good person to ask when it came to matters related to humans sleeping because even though he was human, he was genetically engineered and thus likely his needs in that area probably weren’t the same as the average human’s. Leaving Coomer as the best person to ask. Presumably he’d once been a normal human before all the cybernetic upgrades, cloning, and whatever else they’d done to him had made him whatever he is now.

‘can humans die if they dont sleep enuf?’ Surely not, that was ridiculous, but Gordon had just implied that it was bad for him to skip sleep and ‘really fucking bad’ if he did so long enough to pass out. The question was how bad? He’d already proven himself not to be trusted when asked about such things though so Benrey had to go elsewhere.

Before Benrey could even finish lowering his phone, it pinged; Coomer’s reply. ‘Yes. Prolonged periods of sleep deprivation can lead to death in most animals, including humans.’

‘really?????’ Coomer had to be messing him, right? How could humans possibly be that weak?

‘Yes, really. Getting a proper night’s rest is essential for one’s health and well being. Most commonly sleep deprivation related deaths are the cause of impaired brain function leading to an accident. Such as a car, or other motorized vehicle, crash. In extreme cases, lack of sleep can lead to organ damage that eventually results in death.’

How was Benrey supposed to keep Gordon alive when something as dumb as not sleeping could kill him? Especially when his dumbass was over here trying to not sleep for multiple nights in a row. What the fuck was wrong with him? … His nightmares must be real bad, huh? Could the nightmares kill him too?

Before he could finish typing out that question to Coomer, Gordon returned. “Do you think you could uh… If you’re planning on hanging out here, if I start acting like I’m having a nightmare, could you wake me up? If you wanna go off and… I don’t know, play on the hotel manager’s computer some more instead, that’s fine too and stuff just…” He trailed off again.

Benrey put his phone away. He’d ask Coomer for more info later. “I’ll wake you.” Even though apparently if he did so too often Gordon could die. Hopefully he wouldn’t have to.

“Thanks. Good night.”

“’Night.”

Gordon shambled over and flopped onto the bed. This time he did remember to take his glasses off beforehand. He forgot to turn off the light though so Benrey did it for him, casting the room into darkness.

With a sigh he turned one of the chairs to face the bed before gathering up the Game Boy bag and sitting down in it. With a little bit of fucking around with the way his eyes worked he should be able to make himself see well enough in the dark to make the Game Boy’s lack of a properly lit screen a non-issue. So between that and texting Coomer for more information about humans’ required sleeping habits, he should have plenty to do to keep himself occupied while he watched over Gordon as he slept.

~

Next Chapter

[if-mirrormine]

the one that got away

summary: when you’re invited to the wedding of a friend from high school, the last thing you expect to happen is to be reunited with your high school sweetheart.

pairing: alex x mc

word count: 2254

based on the request: maybe something set in an au where mc doesn't go missing and a few years after their break up with alex they're reunited and rekindle their relationship?

**unedited//i wrote this over the span of three separate days so idk how good it actually is but it's finished and that's more than i can say for a lot of other things i've got going on**

request a drabble here!

you've been friends with veronica bauer since highschool. you haven't physically seen her since you graduated, with you choosing to study locally and her going to a fashion school in france, but you kept in touch. you were always the first person she went to with big life updates, from her first apartment to the dog she rescued to the hot french guy she met at a cafe. so it was no surprise to you when you received an invitation to their wedding three years after the fact.

the ceremony was beautiful. set in a vineyard at sunset, decorated gorgeously in colours of red and gold. you weren't part of the wedding party but you happily sat in the third row, watching veronica walk down the aisle in an extravagant trumpet style gown. she met her groom at the altar and together they stood in front of friends, family and enough flower arrangements to make all the bees in the world happy. they exchanged their vows in an endearing combination of french and english before sharing their first kiss as a married couple while you and all the other guests cheered them on.

now here you stand in the reception. as happy as you are for your friend, some of the novelty has begun to wear off. surrounded by people you haven’t spoken to in years, you linger around the entrance, waiting for your turn to look at the seating chart. you’re dreading it somewhat, being seated next to people you no longer know how to talk to; your life is far from what you expected it would be at this point, and you’re not sure how you’ll fit in with everyone who seems to have it all figured out.

suddenly the people in front of you are walking away and you force yourself to relax your shoulders as you step up to the chart, scanning the dozens of names listed in search of your own. releasing a slow breath, you find your name listed under table four. seated among you are other friends of veronica, ones you never met. you don't know if that's better or worse for your ever-growing anxiety.

you follow the crowd of wedding guests into the venue hall, walking directly past your assigned table on your way to the open bar. if you're going to make through the night in one piece, you'll need at least one glass of liquid courage. you're not usually much of a drinker but you're willing to make an exception for times like this.

the bartender offers you an easy going smile as you step up to the bar. "what can i get you?" she asks you and your eyes momentarily flick to the array of bottles behind her. even something as simple as that is enough to overwhelm you.

"a glass of white wine, please," you say. best to start off simple, you think. she nods and turns her attention to fixing your drink. you take a calming breath and tap your fingers against the bar top, hoping you don't across as too nervous or anxious. but knowing yourself, you probably do.

"here you go," she says after a moment, setting the glass in front of you and without hesitating, you pick it up and down it one go. she watches with raised eyebrows before gesturing to the glass when you set it back down. "did you… want another?"

you're quick to nod and she pauses before reaching for the bottle once more. once refilled, you take a sip, deciding to nurse this glass for a bit longer and after making sure you no longer need her, she sets off to help someone else.

you're about to walk away when someone sidles up to next you. "since when do you drink?" they ask softly and at the sound of their voice, you freeze in place. glancing up at their face, your eyes meet and you inhale a sharp breath.

you haven't seen alex in years. your break up had been mutual but you've regretted immensely ever since. there were moments where they were all you could think about and you felt as though you were drowning in your heartbreak. your mom told you that you'd move on eventually but eventually still hasn't come.

looking at them now, it's as if no time has passed at all. you're teenagers once again, so young and so in love and so unaware of what the future holds for you. you wish so badly for that to be true.

alex smiles at you, though they raise their eyebrows slightly in concern. "mc?"

you shake yourself from your thoughts, from your longing of just being with them again, and force yourself on the question they'd asked you. "i'm not sure exactly," you say, clearing your throat as you glance down at your glass. "sometime in college, i think."

you look back at them and they nod, their smile growing slightly. "as it so often does," they say wistfully. "you look great, by the way. i should've led with that."

you flush at their words, averting your eyes. "so do you," you tell them, earnest. alex was always beautiful and the passing years have only improved on that. you take another sip of your wine, focusing once more on the moment. you would never have expected them to be here; from what you remember, they'd only ever had brief interactions with the bride. before you can stop yourself, you decide to ask them yourself. "veronica invited you?"

they nod. "yeah, we bumped into each other a few months ago and reconnected," they explain. "her inviting me was kind of last minute but when i found out you were coming, i couldn't say no."

"really?" you say and the incredulous tone of your voice makes them laugh. you hadn't meant to sound so shocked but you are in a way. you two had broken up after all, there shouldn't be any reason for them to base their decision to come solely on you.

"is that so hard to believe?" they ask, an amused smile on their face. "i've missed you quite a bit, you know? you're not an easy person to get over."

any kind of remark dies on your tongue at their words. you've long dreamt of this moment, of alex telling you how much they missed you, but it's different than how you'd imagined it. just because they miss you doesn't mean they want you back.

you're saved from having to come up with a response when the bartender reappears, asking alex if they'd like anything to drink. they nod, ordering a cocktail you've never heard of before and it only takes a minute or so for the woman to mix it for them.

with their drink in hand, they turn back to you, that same easy smile on their face. "where are you sitting?" they ask. "i'd like to catch up some more, if that's okay with you."

you're nodding before they even finish speaking and they stifle a laugh at your eagerness. "four," you tell them and together you make your way over to your table, your nerves easing by the second.

"so there i am, elbows deep this guys chest when all of sudden, my stomach starts turning."

"don't tell me…"

"yep; the burrito's coming back with a vengeance."

"no! what did you do?"

"i did what any rational person does: i dropped everything, which just so happened to be the man's heart, and sprinted to the bathroom like my life depended on it. thank god it was just a cadaver or else i might've been kicked out of medschool right then and there."

you stifle your laugh behind your hand and alex grins at you. "sorry that happened to you," you say.

"well, you're still laughing so i don't think you actually are," they reply, feigning a hurt expression before it quickly melts away. "and in any case, it taught me available lesson."

you look at them amused. "what lesson would that be?"

"to not eat food from a suspicious street cart no matter how good of a bargain it is," they say solemnly but their seriousness doesn't last long. "what about you?" they ask, taking a sip of their drink before giving you their full attention. "any fun and embarassing stories from your college days?"

you smile and shrug your shoulders. you have no issue listening to alex talk all night, you'd actually prefer it. "not much to tell," you say honestly. "school was school."

they look at you deadpan. "come on, not even an anecdote?"

you avert your eyes, a shy smile playing on your lips. "well… during graduation, i slipped going up the stairs to the stage and fell back onto everyone behind me. my mom's got it all on video; just a line of thirty students going down like dominoes."

"way to leave a lasting impression," they laugh.

suddenly the music begins to dim and everyone around you begins making their way to their assigned seats. alex glances up, frowning slightly before looking back to you. "guess that means i should go find my actual seat," they say and you can't help but latch onto the dejection in their voice. they stand up, grabbing their drink, and make a show of looking around the room to try and spot their table.

without thinking, you stand up next to them and they drag their eyes away from a table in the back to your face. "i'll come with you," you say before they can ask. "i'm sure no one will mind switching with me. they'd be getting a better seat anway."

you can see they want to ask if you're sure but after a brief second of hesitation, they nod, smiling once again and you think it's the most beautiful they've ever looked.

they take your free hand in theirs as if it’s something they do every day and you're all too happy to follow as they lead you through the sea of people to their table.

the night flies by you in a blur of laughter and drinks and dancing. you never leave alex's side - or maybe they never leave yours - and with each lingering touch, each meaningful stare, you felt yourself slipping back into love with them. the feelings you had for them never truly went away, no matter how much you told yourself you were over them or buried the truth. in fact, you think those feelings have at least doubled in the mere few hours you've spent with them. you're so royally fucked.

the guests have long started to filter out of the venue. the bride and groom had dutifully made their rounds and more to drink than any human being probably should before not so secretly sneaking out to do as newlyweds do. the party has been shrinking ever since.

sat together at a random, alex polishes off the last their drink, their fingers unconsciously woven with yours. "that's gonna leave a nasty hang over in the morning," they say, setting the glass back down with a finality that makes your heart clench. it's too soon for the night to be over.

"i'd have thought you doctors would've found a way around that by now," you say, teasing them and they flash a smile at you.

"alas, there some things even someone as great i can't do." they heave a dramatic sigh before glancing around the ballroom and you follow their eyes. almost entirely empty by now, the only people left are one or two members of the wedding party, staff members beginning to clean up the place and the two of you, sitting together in an untouchable bubble of perfect happiness. your heart gives another woeful clench.

"it's getting late," they say softly and when you back at them, you find their eyes on your joined hands. you tighten your grip without really meaning to. this can't be the end.

"yeah, i guess it is," you reply, too much of a coward to say the words you really want to.

slowly, they bring their eyes back up to meet yours and you suck in a deep breath at the intensity with which they look at you. "i never did manage to get over you," they say eventually and your eyes widen slightly. "even after all this time, you're still the person i love the most."

alex was always braver than you, in words and in actions, and they're ability to speak so clearly and say all the things you've longed to hear for years has floored you. if only it was as easy as they make it look.

"so, where does that leave us?" you ask, hope blooming in your chest.

they tilt their head to their side as they think for a moment before they grin at you. "you wanna go out with me?"

you can't help but laugh, remembering the very first time they asked you out. "more than you know," you tell them and their smile widens.

"i think i can guess." raising your joined hands, they kiss your knuckles. "c'mon, i'll walk you to your car."

nodding, you let them pull you to your feet where you stand face to face, smiling at each other like you're the only two people who exist.

it'll take time to get back the relationship you used to have but you're okay with that.

because you and alex will always find your way back to each other.

[sarasarami10]

Avatar boys ( Neteyam) x exhausted introvert reader SFW

(I think I’ve seen this concept before but still wanted to do it my way)

(Basing this on my own experience as an introvert btw)

Warning: not a lot except maybe anxious Neteyam and a lot of fluff.

Reader has had their consciences transferred so that why they possess human stuff (idk how they would survive as introvert whitout a good depressing song and a comfy hoody)

(Takes places at the metkayna village)

Word count :900

*=actions

[my owns thought and feelings]

Author’s note: wrote this in my notes at 11pm so sorry if there are many errors.

ENJOY!

Neteyam :

- You had been extremely social all week but for the past 3 days you couldn’t bare to see anyone, not even your boyfriend neteyam.

- Of course you would get out of your room to eat with your family and other stuff but you praticaly didn’t leave your bed, either listening to sad/calm music or watching your favorite old human tv shows on you tablet. ( just relaxing really)

- The first day he didn’t really mind it. He had asked one of your sibling about you and they just said you were tired and resting at home.

- He didn’t really thought anything of it, it was true you really look exhausted the day before.

- But by the third day he started to become anxious. Your siblings didn’t have any new news of you, and honestly he didn’t understood how someone perfectly healthy could just sleep for 3 whole days.

- At this point he thought this was only an excuse to not see him which kinda made him sad, had he done something wrong or did you just suddenly stopped liking him.

- By the end of the day he decided that he had had enough and when straight to your Maori after finishing his daily tasks.

- Upon arriving at your home he saw your sibling and asked them if he could go see you. Your sibling pointed at you room and left.

- It was the first time he had been inside your room. The first thing he noticed was the many human things you had. Their was a pile of heavy looking clothes on the ground some colourful shiny trinkets hanging from the roof and you, laying there on you mattress, eyes closed, wearing a wierd top with puffy sleeves and a hood over your head (a hoodie yess).

- Seeing you asleep and not wanting to wake you up too brutally, he sat down on the floor next to your mattress and softly patted your arm to wake you up.

- You awoke from your nap and saw neteyam standing over you. You pulled your hood back revelling some weird thing that almost looked as if they were stuck in your ears (neteyam pov)

- « Hello pretty boy. What are you doing here ».

- « Why are you ignoring me…? »

- « Huh? I’m not ignoring you ? »

- « Yess you are. If not why haven’t I see you since three days ago, huh? »

- « Hahaha. I’m not ignoring you… I just didn’t went anywhere »

- « liar. How could someone sleep for three whole days »

- I didn’t just sleep… I made a few jewelry, I drew for a bit I watch my fav movies… but I mostly just slept and listen to music. »

- *genuenly confused* « why? »

- « Idk.. I just didn’t felt like doing much I was just… really tired »

- *not convinced* « haha how can someone be that tired? You didn’t even do anything physically demanding lately. »

- « Well cause I wasn’t tired in that way »

- *lays next to you facing you* « what do you mean? »

- « Well… sometimes… when I spend too much time with other people, especially exited people like children, or your brother and aonung *he smiles* my energy just get drain really fast. So I need to take some time to myself to recharge my batteries. »

- « Oh… now that I think about it… I think it happened to kiri once…. She didn’t left her room for two days. Even my dad started to worry. *You giggle* So ? What do you ueselly do to « recharge your batteries »

- You look at Him smiling and take out one of your earplug to show him.

- « I put these bad boys on and listen to some of my favorite tunes. »

- « What are they?»

- « Earphones. You put them in you ears and music comes out of it, kinda like to thing your dad makes you use to communicate [as you can see I have just remember they have those but anyways]

- He look confused but you were too tired to try to explain to him bluethoot so you just putted it in his ear and pushed to play button.

- A calming song started playing. Even tho neteyam could understand most of the lyrics, he couldn’t really understand their meaning which kinda annoyed him.

- « What are you wearing? »

- « It’s called a hoodie. »

- « Aren’t you too warm with that on? »

- « No not really, it’s more for comfort angways »

- He turned his attention back to the music but after seeing him giving it too much thinking for a while, you putted your hand on his face to shift back his focus on you, softly stroking it with your thumb *gaves you a small smile*.

- You stayed like that, looking at each other just enjoying your company until you noticed him fall asleep.

- You pushed yourself closer to him, his face resting in the crook of your chest softly stroking his hair until you too found sleep.

END for neteyam.

There is a 90% chance that a do a loak version but for aonung and rotxo it will depend how much you guys like this I guess.

[beesinspades]

I'm 3 months and 2 weeks on T now and I'm sooooo happy with it :D the first two months and then some were SLOW, so much so if it wasn't for one thing and the (temporary) side effects of the hormonal mess, I would've thought it wasn't working lol

but over the past month I've started really seeing changes!!

my voice started dropping, I can hear a difference with my voice pre-t!

I'm already growing facial hair on my neck and chin. at this rate I'll hopefully be one of the lucky ones with something decent before the end of my first year on T hehe

my belly is getting hairier

I think my face shape has started to change but that's harder to tell

so yeah I'm really happy because so far I'm getting nice changes and I haven't been plagued with being hungry, hot and horny. no mood changes either or anything. I don't feel any different from before T besides feeling more confident in my appearance. and I still have some palpitations when I lie down to go to bed in the evening and still in bed in the morning but I saw a cardiologist with echography and EKG and I'm good so it's likely the hormones. it was much worse before my third shot when we increased the dose.

also I don't know if it's related but before T I would get really nauseous (at the base of the neck rather than the stomach, idk how to explain it) at least once every three weeks or so, most of the time when I woke up in the morning and then it went away once I got up and went about my day. a week or so after I started T it got worse as in it started happening more frequently, at night too, and sometimes lasted throughout the day. then towards the end of the sixth week, before my third shot, it got so bad for like five days I thought I was gonna die hahaha but same as the palpitations improving, we did the third shot at full dose instead of half and the nausea disappeared. I haven't had a single instance of it since. so?¿?¿??? (both these things were already there before but probably made worse by a medication I started taking a little after going on T though. I stopped taking it as well)

I'm a liiittle anxious because "oh my god what if I'm doing a mistake" but I'm really looking forward to the next few months!!!

anyways, I did two shots by myself so far, the first one went perfectly well and the second one I felt like passing out but it was likely because I did it in the morning right out of my hot shower sjdkln I lied down for 20 minutes and then felt fine again.

also I got the results of my check-up blood test yesterday and my T levels have very nicely increased (I'm at like 55) and everything else is normal :3

but also WELP because besides my sister my family doesn't know. my mother hasn't called me in a month so odds that she'll notice something next time she calls me are not nonexistent and it's Not going to go well and I'm wholly unprepared for that conversation

next week I'm having lunch with my godmother whom I last saw on the day I started T, so that should be interesting too....she's always been supportive and nonjudgmental (to my face at least hahaha) but also given that she believes in the woke agenda I have no idea if HRT is going too far for her. wait and see :')

as for my dad, I'm frankly starting to wonder if he's just pretending not to have noticed anything. the voice I can get because he talks to me everyday so without a direct comparison it's not impossible that he hasn't noticed. but the facial hair??? I have way more than before and it's surprising he hasn't commented on it. anyway. either way the moment my mother knows he's probably gonna be made aware too.

anyway. excitement but also Fear

[mandoalorian]

anxiety ramble

tw personal shit, anxiety, eating disorder mention, drug and alcohol abuse idk I'll delete this later I'm just trying to gain clarity over toxic thoughts

I'm cold and drinking chamomile and wearing what was once my favourite over sized hoodie but now it feels itchy against my skin and hugs at my wrists. I'm sick of feeling anxious, sick of having bad days and overthinking, so I've opened up Tumblr. I don't know why this was my solution because I don't go on here much at all anymore but I figured this was once my safe place so why not try and find some sort of comfort in it once again.

I've had a whirlwind past few days, weeks even. finished university, working full time hours at work, going out and making memories with friends, but the second I'm alone and without plans I can feel myself spiralling. when I'm out and drinking I feel free but I also become so self destructive. I'm like a walking disaster. I do the craziest, mind boggling things that I would never ever do sober. I act irrationally and I don't think about consequences. I say yes to EVERYTHING. and when I come back home in the early hours of the morning and nurse myself out of a hangover I feel empty and anxious again-- worrying what people think of me-- childish thoughts like that. I never used to care what people think. sure I did when I was 14 but I grew out of it like everyone does. and now I'm 22 and it's coming back. I'm desperately wanting to seek some kind of solid control over myself. my ED is all I've ever known; the only way I can 'be in control'; my safety blanket. but also I've been drinking a lot lately, and then there's the drugs too. and I can feel myself slipping. it's so easy to slip and fall.

I'm very lucky and blessed that my work will give me free counselling sessions / private healthcare but the all too familiar feeling of not being 'sick' enough is overwhelming. I feel trapped and anxious and isolated. and I'm very aware I have people around me. people who love and care for me. but even when I'm surrounded by people or bombarded with texts I just feel alone. and scared. I'm scared

[youremyheaven]

Strange experiences I've had since rahu md started, how do you think Rahu mahadasha is linked with experiences with death (in surroundings or just in general, being more aware and sensitive towards it) ?

Rahu in pushya 10th, ketu and mars in 4th shravana and moon in uttarashada 4th. 8th lord venus in swati 1rst house.

I came across more and more suicide incidents since the beginning of this dasha..I never use to watch news before but now murder and death news are always too sticky to me.

What do you think am I being asked to learn or lean on?

i think nodal transits/dashas etc are very transcendental but difficult experiences. you have to be unnaturally grounded to make gains during this period. having a saturnian nak in rahu helps with stability a little bit because its Saturn's nature to restrict and Rahu's nature is expansion, so Saturn will "chain" Rahu's illusive nature but Rahu is still Rahu so there is only so much chaining and restriction that can take place. idk if any of the placements you mentioned can contribute to being more aware of death during this period. i wonder if you have 8h placements?? or 12h ones??? having 8th lord in 1st can point to increased consciousness of 8th house themes including death, occultism and transformation but i feel like its some other placement tbh

which year were you born in? is this perhaps an 8h or 12h profection year for you?

the inner most circle represents the house and the outer circles represent the age.

during my 12h profection year last year, a friend of mine passed away on her birthday under strange circumstances. it was really weird bc in the months leading up to her death i spoke to her a lot even tho i never did before and i had some truly heart touching moments with her. im a psychic medium irl and im often consulted by others, so her bf who is a good friend of mine insisted that i read for her even though i told him i dont think its a good idea for me to read for friends etc and im usually pretty firm but when he kept insisting, i gave in and i read for her. it was single handedly the strangest experience i had because i felt like i couldnt see her future at all, it was a complete blank. i picked up a lot on her personality and her past which both her and her bf confirmed to be true but she kept insisting on knowing about her future and was vv anxious about it and i absolutely couldnt see anything and that has never happened to me before or since. a few months later i had a dream about her and a few days after that, i wake up to text messages saying she has passed away.

i think the lesson with death is that it can come at any time, so one must not take life for granted. we should give it our all when we have time.

this is highly personal but for me with this experience, my biggest lesson was how kindness is never wasted and how even if you think no one is noticing, people are actually paying attention, so having goodness within and being kind to others goes a long way. this girlie's bf told me (a few months before she passed away) that he really appreciated me complimenting her outfit on Valentine's day bc i made her really happy and apparently nobody else had anything nice to say to her that day. it really doesnt hurt to be nice to others and sometimes we dont get very many chances to be kind either, even small interactions with others, if we can respond with love and kindness, it will make a big difference because you never know what the other person is going through or where life is going to take either of you.

what you learn from these experiences is up to you and how it makes you feel. death to me is always a reminder to be more kind and loving. the regrets that sting me the most have been my failures to be kind (i was a kid but still)

[yors-truly]

Hello! This is your friendly inquiry to answer this ask with whatever you'd like to talk about right now! Whether that be a story you're working on, something you're excited or worried about, or just something random you happen to know.

All the love,

~ toribookworm ❤️

Ah, I guess I've been more on the lower side these past few days, so I'll spill the beans.

I've been slightly if not highly insecure about the progress of Beyond Time and Space recently. Things haven't really been stable since my family's been in the process of moving and, in the midst of that, losing Nygaard (my phone holding all of my important notes).

The things I want to use are all packed away in a storage miles from here, which includes my sketchbook, my stylus, and many more (which, as an artist who often gets art block, it's very frustrating when the inspiration hits and you can do literally nothing about it).

Then there's the insecurity surrounding my age. I'm a teenager. With my birthday coming on the 20th, that status won't change. Maybe it's just the mindset of "kids wishing they were grow ups" or whatever, but as of very recently, it's been getting to me. I've been motivated and inspired by other indie projects like mine, who have all of these incredible people behind them, helping make a vision into a visual. I would love to do that! I'm already doing that!

The thing is, though, is that I lack connections. I'm pretty much going solo in this. As someone as young as myself (who also has diagnosed SAD and possibly ADHD, little to no experience in such a collaborative environment, zero experience in running a project, and lacking the money and tools actually needed), I'm worried no one will be willing to work with me to bring my thoughts to an audience, let alone allow me to help bring theirs to one. I've been trying to start out small, posting what I enjoy and hoping to make friends along the way, as it would be a dream to work alongside friends more than anything, but it's been doing my mental health more harm than good, in the way that me having SAD cranks my anxiety with in-person interactions to 200% with online interactions. For the longest time, I forgot social media existed (still do sometimes, and I think that's also an anxiety response: repression or something like that? involuntarily forgetting the things that make you anxious), so my activity hasn't been the best anywhere anyway, to begin with.

I guess all of this sums up to me saying "I wish I could do things on my own" in a slightly desperate way. If I had the money - heck, if I had a way of transferring money, because people have been questioning about commissions too (at least they used to; idk where my audience is now, since I've been so inactive) - that would be so useful! I want to be able to receive funds for my own hard work, and give funds to others for theirs! It's all so frustrating X[

(on an unrelated note: now that I've moved, I'll probably end up having to celebrate my birthday with my family instead of the people I love most.)

So, yeah, that's pretty much it. Beyond Time and Space is nowhere near finished, and I guess, in a way, I'm kinda glad I don't have extra hands at the moment. I'd like to have the entire first season written before making any progress on visuals (besides... you know... the ones I already have). It's just gonna take a little longer than I wished, and with everything moving so quickly, it's kind of overwhelming me a little qwq A beta reader or two (besides my brother who kind of just lazily reads through it most times) would be nice, though, but I take forever to write scripts so maybe not XD

Thanks for the opportunity to rant on! I really needed to get this out, I think, and this ask couldn't have been timed any better :star-emoji:

[please-picturemeintheweeds]

I thought I had made peace with participating in fandom knowing that Taylor has plenty of more than questionable relationships. Matty fits right in with some of her other friends, partners, and professional colleagues, so I guess I’m not as at peace with it as I thought I was. Or this is somehow different than all the other terrible people she’s been associated with, or both, idk. Everyone who is impacted by the things matty has done/said is absolutely entitled to feel however they do about it. That statement is compatible with dismantling cancel culture. People are not scoreboards of good and bad things we do. We are not defined by our mistakes. American culture tells us to disappear people who have caused harm. We think our justice system is the correct way to go about repairing harm. Someone needs to be accused, investigated, charged, categorized, and punished. I have lots of experience working with people objectively much worse than Matty Healy and every last person is worthy of love, and the unwavering belief that they are capable of change, no matter what they did. People cannot change without community. We all get to choose who we personally can be present with for that change. Taylor is worthy of love and the opportunity to do better, and so is Matty. I’m just getting off this ride.

It’s easy for me to know I don’t want to spend my personal energy supporting that random asshole through his journey of change. It’s a lot harder to admit that maybe I don’t want to spend any more energy supporting Taylor to change. She absolutely deserves to be loved and supported through this time in her life!! She deserves to strive to grow free of judgement for her past, just like all of us do!! She has lots of people who will do this for her! But tbh it’s none of my business past the decision of where I want to spend my time and money. It’s kind of devastating actually to not want to continue following her life story, and I wonder if that’s why so many of us feel so confused and hurt. It feels like a breakup. Like I am parting ways with an old friend who deserves the world but who I can’t be there for anymore.

None of us can actually know what’s going on in her head - that’s between her and the people in her life. Hopefully she factors what her diverse fans are saying into her personal feelings. I’m sure anyone she’s close to would bring it up with her if they needed to, and if they would be uncomfortable remaining friends, they won’t.

I’m going to put in some effort to find another emotional guiding light. Mary Oliver seems to fit a lot of the things I love about Taylor’s work, plus she cared a lot more about saving the planet. But I think I have been wasting a lot of time on this blog when I could be gardening or snuggling my dog or remembering to text my partner who is out of the country touring for a few weeks.

Lots of love to my mutuals who I was too anxious about social interactions to ever talk to!!! I’ll probably delete in a couple of days, though I’ll be keeping my main account.

[asakamasanobu]

uwaa i am having ch34 thoughts ……. so many ch34 thoughts ;__; i think it might be my fave of the more recent chapters like UWAAAAAHHHHHH

breaking this down rn but like . it definitely has to do with the fact that ricchan’s self-esteem issues have come back SWINGING like idk why it feels like it’s been put in the back burner with the whole crazy nao plot going on a few chapters back and even in transitioning into this new arc (sort of ????? kind of feels like it) bc i just checked and the last time he exhibited signs of such mental illness was literally back in ch32 like ?!?!? BARELY TWO CHAPTERS AGO but at the same time maybe bc ch32 was only like a page of him mental illness-ing doubting himself before takano interrupted all that by taking over and reassuring both him and fujishiro and theN ricchan became super slay and professional while talking to fujishiro so he overcame his self-doubt really fast and that still makes me so emotional and proud of him even today but I AM DIGRESSING . what i mean to say is seeing ritsu struggle to take on everything even when it’s too much and being overwhelmed and still not wanting to rely on others bc he feels like it’s something he needs to do in order to catch up to takano and reach his goal as an editor and being so anxious over needing to do all of that yet failing to do so bc at the end of the day he’s him is like ah …… no matter what some things never change huh :’-)

but beyond all of that i just really vibed with the takaritsu dynamic in this chapter like IT FELT EXTRA NICE FOR SOME REASON ……. FELT SO NATURAL AND WHOLESOMES …….. from them having a meal together (outside !!!!!! Together) and ritsu being able to open up about his struggles in a way that is less hesitant and more forthcoming than usual (even though he initially wanted to shoulder it on his own ofc) and the really sweet and loving handholding moments both in the restaurant and out in da streets and and and ….!!!!! all of that and MORE ;__; it feels like even though ritsu hasn’t confessed yet they’re in such a comfortable place right now knowing where they are and knowing where they’re heading …… and the way ritsu is able to be a little more honest than usual even if it embarrasses him (cough his ch33 activities cough i also feel embarrassed for my little mf too COUGH) just feels so Him in a certain way like . it’s especially bc so much of him has been hiding his true and messy feelings from the world so seeing him being able to slowly come out and verbalise them ….. to convey them so that the other party can know what he’s thinking fully ……. and know how much these things means to ritsu himself too ……… it’s like just as much as some things never change, ritsu’s also been able to grow and grow So Much over these past thirty chapters and even if it’s bc man’s now horny IDC HE IS DOING THE GROWING !!!!!! and it might sound stupid but despite that it still means a lot considering who the man in question is (god this does not make sense but at the same time this makes perfect sense)

but yea tldr i love ch34 …… i hope future chapters will retain this vibe of calm and peaceful takaritsu that are coming together and ritsu being able to come out of his shell step by step despite still struggling with his self-worth and wanting to be better than his present bc these moments are really what make the series for me and i’m looking forward to more of them, especially when they are officially finally together <3

[psychblurred]

guess i won’t save too much this month. oh boy.

it’s not that tragic. (okay a bit) i guess it was expected that in the first few months at this job i’ll be.. well treating myself.

currently i have a pair of adidas gazelles on the way. cause i’m a sucker for shoes, i can’t help it 🙃

on the other hand i’ve been quite anxious in the past few days. idk what’s going on.

[shdwtouch]

I recently stated that anon doesn't deserve the grace of my response, nor do I owe them or anyone else an explanation or defense, however I want to say something, for my sake, because this has been causing me a lot of stress these past few days.

so. first. please don't approach people like this on anon. even if you have the best intentions... its not a good look, and it will never land how you think it will. like. I know that anons like this are trying to be helpful, but to me its just. confrontation. a nameless, faceless heckler in a crowd of people I'm supposed to trust. I am an open, empathetic person who wants to improve, but no one enjoys being called out in public. and honestly I'm not entirely sure what you hoped to achieve in sending this message, if you aren't trying to tell me how to run my blog. like... I think ? you were trying to be reassuring but... I still can't get over "manufacturing problems" tbh.

next, as I have stated in a previous post, I literally have personal and gaming tags, I've been using them since I started this blog. if you don't want to see that stuff all you have to do is block those tags. similarly, and again I mentioned this in a previous post, my posting like this is not new. I'm not entirely sure why it would suddenly become an issue when I've literally never made a change to what or how I post, unless folks just... weren't seeing me on the dash ? idk. but between having tags available to block, frequently deleting my own posts, and always being like this... I don't know what you want me to say regarding people not liking how I run my blog / me not treating it as a roleplay blog. which, honestly, I find hilarious because previously I wasn't writing at all on my old blog, then I made this blog and have had muse and energy and have actually been interacting ! and then I hit an off week(s) and suddenly I'm not active enough for folks, haha. idk, I guess the fandomless scene is more chill than BG3.

and, lastly, again I'm just... 5-10 posts ? XD unless you are counting my ooc meta discussion posts / reblogs and ooc reminder reblogs... no, not even close, sorry. a lot of my meta is presented ooc, plus I've been posting a lot about kaey (who is the other muse featured on this blog, btw), and that thrown in with my 2-3 ooc posts... maybe ? but I delete a lot of my ooc posts (thus, the tbd tag) so. again. idk. I think it really is just a case of, I've literally been so active compared to my previous blogs, so I am ??? at my current activity being a problem considering its much better. like, I guess its still not enough ? idk. I guess I'm just not aligned with how folks use this site. and like, while I get people want their mutuals to be active and engaging, you still have to be patient and understand folks don't run on your clock. shrug.

now I just want to say. I'm not going to apologize for how I've reacted to the anon, nor to how it has made me feel. good intentions or not, it didn't land. I am allowed to feel hurt and confused. I am allowed to feel paranoid, because this is obviously something someone didn't feel was important enough to talk to me one on one about. I try so hard to be an open and honest person, but I feel like I just get kicked in the teeth for it. it always sucks being called out, and maybe I needed to be called out (idk, I don't think so, but I won't toss the notion aside completely), but this was not an effective or healthy way to do it. I shouldn't have to deal with this, you know ?

and, honestly... normally I would say hey, just come talk to me privately, but. I don't want that this time around. I don't feel like talking to this person, at least right now. I don't t know why this in particular hurt, but it just did. if you sent that anon you can either keep your silence or block me, please. blocking preferred. I just... I want to be empathetic, maybe you were too anxious to approach me personally, maybe you did have good intentions, but... what has been done cannot be undone. while I want to know so I don't feel as paranoid... I don't think a friendship can be redeemed with whoever sent this anon. I don't think I want to redeem that friendship. but... I also think I'm being a little harsh, honestly. I don't know what to think.

also, this should be my last mention of it. I know its a drag to see stuff like this on your dash. I just... can't help how its made me feel and I'm doing my best to work through it. I appreciate yalls patience, understanding, and support <3