#i have never been with anyone ever i havent even ever spoken like more than 2 sentences to crushes bc i CAN'T i DIE

[txmxkis]

how does one find a girlfriend in this economy asking for a friend

[wriothesleybear]

AhH thank you so much for gifting us wriothesley content🐺🐺!!!! I really wish to see his drip marketing soon 😭🙏I cannot forget your idea of him being the big bad wolf with the little red Riding Hood fem reader ever since I saw u mention it--- it is it possible if you give us some more details on the idea? Did he want to eat her at first? Does he want to start a pack w her?? I have so many questionss

it makes me happy to know you like my headcanons🥹 same about the drip marketing. hoyoverse please give us something ! any crumbs will do😫 oh gosh i havent thought that much about the wriothesley x red riding hood! reader yet hmm but if i had to give some ideas:

headcanons below ~warning: a bit suggestive~

Pre-relationship headcanons:

the reader is this innocent little thing who is so sweet, kind, is good with animals and kids, and runs a bakery/cafe which is what caught Wriothesley's eye in the first place.

he had been at your shop before for some tea and knew you were the owner and you've seen him a few times in your shop, but you two had never really spoken.

in my headcanons, i see him as a gentleman so he's usually polite to anyone unless he knows you're a bad person/criminal

one day, he saved you from a couple of criminals who were bothering you. thats when you two finally spoke to one another. you were thanking him profusely for saving you. it would probably be too cute to him so he blushes a bit from how cute you are and gives you a slight smile saying its no big deal.

a few days pass and you find out where he works so you visit him to give him some homemade muffins as a thank you. this would cause the man to become more smitten with you.

even though I see him as not really being a sweets person, he'll eat your treats since you're the one who gave it to him. i mean, what kind of gentleman would he be if he let your treats go to waste.

after this, he would visit your shop more often just to see you and of course have some tea.

you guys would enjoy having conversations with one another and this would become a daily thing.

You would learn his order by heart, already having it ready when you knew he would show up soon. he would notice this and it would cause him to fall harder for you.

You guys would start off as friends of course but it would develop into something more as you got to know more about one another and spend more time together.

He would be the one to ask you out first and you say yes ofc. (he thought you looked so cute when you said yes and it made him happy !)

ofc it was an amazing first date ! he'd go a little bit all out. its your first date after all and its for you so he has to make a good impression ;)

Some relationship headcanons:

once this man falls for you, he falls hard (wolves mate for life)

always kisses your hand !!! he doesnt do that much pda except for that, a hand around your waist, a kiss on your head. he prefers more behind closed doors *wink wink*

When people see him showing affection towards you tho, they get shocked cuz those who don't know him think he's a bit of a scary dude based on his appearance and seeing him with an adorable, innocent s/o is surprising to them.

tea dates ofc

he's playful so playful bites/licks occur often and teases you

he loves hearing you laugh and smile. makes his heart race !

SOOO PROTECTIVE!

he has to protect his cute little innocent, kind darling, can you blame him🥺

he'd be like low-key possessive.

what i mean by that is by marking you. ofc with bite marks during your love making sessions but i could also see him gifting you a necklace with a crescent or symbol that symbolizes him.

it shows others that you're his and hands off!

or imagine its a little red hood that has his symbol on it and matches his cape ahhhh! that'd be so cute!

adding on to that, he's not really the jealous type because he knows you're his but when he sees you giving someone else more attention than him, he might get a little needy.

he just wants his little red riding hood to give him all of their attention and love

please play with his hair and give him scratchies

wouldn't be overly clingy but will hang around you a lot when he can like. like he has to be touching you in a way aka hugging you, you sitting on his lap, etc. or just having you near him while he works is enough

he's gotta make sure you are reminded daily that he loves you

he would be a little bit of a worry wart when he's not with you, always wondering if you were okay

HE IS DEVOTED TO YOU! he would do anything for you maybe even break the law for you👀 he is whipped

a family man

he would for sure want to have a family with you !

would probably want a big one (going off on the fact that wolf packs are usually around 6-10 members from what i read)

Sigewinne is already your guys' child. Its important for you two to get along and you do.

When he sees you two getting along, it makes him so happy !

his thoughts often lead to thinking about you two having a family of your own one day (sorta makes him feral🫣)

he would be the one to bring up the topic when the time is right.

if you said yes, he'd be happy and probably take you right there omg🤭

if you're not ready, he would be understanding, but if you're willing, you could always 'practice' until the time comes ;)

overall, 10/10 boyfriend

i hope i didn't ramble too much. maybe i'll make a series out of this. i hope this answers your questions anon. have a wonderful day!🥰❤️

[rogue9cg]

-vent-

i’ve still got my friend’s things from when we used to play d&d at my place. we haven’t spoken in years as he slowly faded away from the group. going through his stuff again made me realize how much i miss him.

i feel very selfish admitting this, but i miss him a lot. selfish because i never reached out to him, i havent asked where he’s been. its not fair for me to feel this way after so long. and the idea that he might ignore me when i try, or that he’s beyond reaching at this point is pretty painful to think about.

missing him isnt the only thing that hurts though. i miss a lot of people. sometimes i miss people i talk to every day. i used to experience a lot of things, i used to be close to people, but as i get older i get lonelier. this friend and I would go walking together around the lake and discuss our philosophies, our future, things like that. with other friends i’d put my arms around them, pat them on the back, help them whenever i could. being helpful really made me feel good. so often i got to help friends move, give them rides, talk them through relationships despite having little experience myself. and i had the confidence to do those things.

i dont really know when things changed. i’ve regressed to the point where i feel pathetic, useless, unloved. and i feel really horrible saying that because there is clearly people that care about me. but i’ve forgotten how to connect with people. or maybe im just too scared. every person i know is a mountain of possibilities that i havent been strong enough to face.

the problem is me, i dont face anything or anyone anymore. every day i live is a lie because im scared of being selfish, or pushing my friends away. im really fucking scared of making people i care about uncomfortable because of my feelings. nothings scarier to me than being alone, of asking for too much and being left behind. but the real, embarrassing truth of it all is that im sad, i want to be loved, i want to be held, i want to be wanted. hugs arent enough! i wont feel like a real person again until someone squeezes me tight and doesnt let me go!! its not even romantic, i’ve just never been treated like that more than a couple of times in my whole life! maybe i dont deserve it, i dont fucking know, but not even my family ever treated me that way… maybe they did at one point… but i wouldnt remember because that was a different me, a me that i lost. my memory has gotten fuzzier and fuzzier over the years. the worse part is i remember the stuff that hurts but the good things i have to wonder if they actually happened.

i dont even like typing all this out because i just never feel like i have the right to feel this way. but its been really hard being in my own head all this time snd im really tired of it. tired of feeling like im not enough. tired of doing the same thing every day and expecting to feel any better.

[ribbonpinky-art]

feeling melancholic and hopeless again. so im gonna just write out my emotions and none of it correlating. self pity post galore

im thinking about things. life is rough. so stressful. my mental illness is worsening by the day. lots of stuff happens behind the scenes that i choose to not talk about

and what im thinking about now, is that who was once one of my absolute comforts (junko).. im thinking abt that adorable little fumo plush of her i ordered several months ago is just sitting on top of my other plushies.. that i wasn't even excited to have her when she first arrived.

i didn't care.

and that hurt, knowing i didn’t, remembering how much she once meant to me.

same with my Chang’e. i want nothing to do with either of them now. they no longer bring me an ounce of comfort, only dread and remnants of a self indulgent story of kindness that once lifted me up. it all died. feels too idealistic. i feel like im too much of an outcast to let this story exist outside my private circles. i dont even want it anymore, or if i want to ever again

i think as of lately, focusing on oc’s (including ones i havent spoken of yet) has been better for my state of mind

doesnt help that im kiiinda only appreciated for my Junko works!!!! awesome!! i dont want to draw her anymore !!! fml!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! other people are better at drawing her than me anyway, ya wont miss me. lemme focus on my evil lady oc instead...

maybe im being melodramatic, and i do not care. perhaps in a few months i will be enamored with them again? idk. idc either

i feel more disconnected than ever to fandom, when i was seldom a part of any of it in the first place. im that person that exists on the outskirts, not really part of their community. im disconnected to people. i cant make connections with anyone, but i never could .. ok . i could, with a couple folks here and there. im grateful they want me around (not counting my partner of course, theyre the best thing thats ever happened to me. im not just lucky, im fortunate af we met at all)

im aware of my own issues- im autistic, im unmedicated when i probably need meds to regulate my emotions, i live in a toxic family. im triggered terribly easily, and when im hurt, it *hurts*.

 i fear that, because of my strange way of speaking and how a lot of my conversations are stilted, and what i perceive as unusual behavior-- i fear i make other people creeped out/uncomfortable. irl or otherwise. like, maybe ppl will be friendly to me at first, but after a year and i dont say much anything and im just this creepy, quiet weirdo to them now. and thats so silly. whats creepy about me?? im a pint size thing who cant even look anyone in the eye very well. is that creepy?? ok, i struggle to talk sometimes, i might be uninterested in conversation but i dont want to be disliked for it-- idk ((ok i have “Creep” by Radiohead set in my mind because of my mental state, and its kinda funny to me for some reason)

i genuinely feel like i lack intelligence. i suck at thinking. i suck at thinking of words, remembering things, and the tiny mistakes i do make are SO small that it should be impossible to make the mistake in the first place. was i always like this? i feel like i used to be smarter , lol

i am quite literally, a complete failure in my family. i cant stress the truth in that enough. even my grandmother is disappointed in me and only wants to see a text message from me saying i got a worthy job in my field. that only thing that matters to anyone, my one and only point of interest in everyone i speak to in my life even outside my family, is that i dont have a real job. thats it. everyone is waiting for me to be.. someone.

because im no one.

but none of them have been a particularly positive influence in my life, seeing as im stuck here.

i genuinely feel disgusting for existing. my body feels wrong to be in when i am visible to any human being. perhaps even to any animal and bug, too. i dont want to be looked at, to be remembered by anyone who wont understand me

nothing is changing!!!!! and when it is, its worse than before!! why cant i just be brave and GO

..

..

..

not all of this reflects reality. i beat myself up a lot. mirrin knows it. i know it.

it hurts

[uniformbravo]

it's nanowrimo & i havent touched my wip since last year so im gonna reread it all rn to jog my memory lets goooo

-

"And so, class, as you can see, blah blah blah…"

Silan wasn't listening, so neither should you have to.

i didn't know how to start it skjfdkngkf

-

goes on for several paragraphs about why he wasnt paying attention, making up a bunch of bullshit about him being sooooo sleeby bc he watched a horror movie last night & then couldn't sleep, fascinating stuff

-

So no, he wasn't listening to the lesson going on at the front of the room, nor was he prepared in the very least to be called on suddenly.

"Silan, what's your answer to number fifteen?"

Like a bucket of ice water was sitting upright on the ground beside him instead of upturned over his head, Silan's brain fog persisted as he struggled to catch up with the moment.

ok fine the ice bucket line is kinda funny im here to subvert ur expectations not unlike a mime thats allowed to say fuck

-

"Y equals seven…?" he guessed, understanding completely as he said it that it definitely would have been better to just say "I don't know," or "Could you repeat that?" or even "Sorry, I didn't sleep well because I watched a horror movie before bed and was too scared to fall asleep for hours and now I can't focus because I'm so tired, so I honestly have no idea what's going on right now."

As it was, his actual answer garnered a few laughs scattered around the room, from people who'd given Silan way too much credit and assumed it was a very intentional joke. He couldn't look his teacher in the eye, that knowing gaze piercing right through him as if to say, "You may have fooled them, but not me. I know that was a real attempt at an answer, and I am disappointed in you on multiple levels. I'll see you in my office and also you have detention forever."

What he actually said was, "Mr. Scott, this is a Biology class."

CHRIST i take it back im a comedic genius

-

Chris is A Dude in Silan's class, but he's so much more than that; sports ball player man, wearer of varsity jackets and knee-length shorts of all varieties, copier of his friends' homework whenever one of them has actually done it on time… He truly is just Some Guy, but to Silan? He is The Guy.

WHAT are u fuckin TALKING ABOUT HELLO

-

If Silan himself were to be the one to describe Chris, that paragraph would have probably gone a lot more like: Chris is on the baseball team, so he's fairly muscular; he has a sharp, square jaw and dark brown hair that's not quite long enough to submit to gravity just yet, so it sticks up and looks just sooo fluffy and soft (do you think he lets anyone touch it?). He's never actually grown a beard but he does have stubble across his chin and jaw that suits him extremely well. His eyes are brown and his skin is a natural tan and it all suits him perfectly and he's hot okay. He's hot.

Silan is gay.

and he is being sooo normal about chris

-

They'd only ever spoken a total of two times; once when Chris had gotten the rows confused on a day he'd seemed particularly groggy (this class ran from 10:45 to 12:15 and was the one right before lunch, though, so it was beyond Silan what exactly had put him in such a state) ((I'm the author though, so I know exactly what it was, and it's that he'd been out nearly all night with his friends to the subsequent dismay and rage of his parents, and his request to stay home from school the next day was vehemently denied)),

this is fucking unhinged. publish me right now

-

That had been just a few weeks ago; the other time was last year (junior year, or 11th grade, or year 3 out of 4 of high school, whatever makes the most sense to those unacquainted with the American school system) in April and I will tell you more about it later.

FUCKING HELLO

-

It was the urge to doodle their initials in a heart together in the margins of his notebook like… like some kind of lovesick middle schooler (not that. He'd ever done that. In middle school,).

silan would never

-

The combination made him want to launch himself directly out the window, had one existed (the only windows were over by the door, which Silan sat pretty much across the room from).

He was kinda fucked.

tfw u cant throw urself out the window bc of ur school's evil fucked up floor plan

-

Rhoden, while still fairly small for his age, definitely isn't the same kid Silan met back then. There's a maturity to his jaw, his brow, that he's really come into since, and his voice has deepened considerably; anyone who might still initially mistake him for a much younger boy would be instantly enlightened the second he opened his mouth. And then they'd have to figure out how to politely decline a spontaneous interview proposal from a guy they'd thought was twelve two seconds ago.

when u get within a certain radius of him a giant health bar appears at the top of the screen & boss music starts playing

-

Today, though, was a photography day.

They were always Silan's favorites. He did enjoy his other tasks, in general, but none of them were as fun or freeing as photography.

It made him look at the world around him differently. Taking such a wide expanse of possibility and narrowing it down to that one perfect shot; knowing where to look and how to find potential. It was capturing a moment, but not just that; it was turning a moment, even the smallest, mundanest occurrence, into something timeless- into something special.

(And, of course, there were other perks to the job, but we'll get to those later.)

i am 100% certain said "perks" are getting to Observe chris at baseball practice which is a very funny juxtaposition to the previous paragraph

"photography is a timeless art form, truly nothing as magical or poignant could ever exist.... also i get to look at hot boys cha-CHING"

-

"Silan," she called out now in lieu of a team name, since the work of a photographer was mostly individual.

"I'm, uh, shooting baseball practice today."

😏

-

A few short minutes later, Silan was signing off for the club's camera, which he needed permission for every time. This was one of Mrs. Springet's few roles as an advisor, to make sure the camera wasn't being stolen. It was a nice camera, to be fair.

Oh To Steal The Journalism Club's Nice Camera

-

While Chaulden High did have a football team, the undisputed star of the show was the baseball team; with a coach that led them to victory time and time again, it wasn't hard to see why.

As such, the New Moon always made sure to leave room for a section on the team, even going as far as establishing a series they ran every year called "Dug-Ins & Outs," in which various members of the team were interviewed.

ok still proud of that title TBH

-

Which meant Silan was often sent to obtain shots of the team, which was no problem. Less than no problem. He was pretty fine with it, actually. Perhaps even looked forward to it, some might say.

Because Silan was definitely interested in the team, as a whole, all twenty-six members. All of them, and not a single one more than the rest. He would never single a specific member out to accidentally focus 90% of his attention on. That would be ridiculous, and highly unprofessional of him. Perish the thought.

…

So uh. Chris is on the baseball team,

cups hands around mouth fucken NERD

-

The coach, Mr. Wendell, stood with a clipboard tucked under his arm by the dugout, clapping and calling out to members who were lagging behind in the group of joggers. He always made Silan nervous, if he were honest. He was something of a hardass, with high expectations for his team and a grueling training regimen he held them all to. He had a loud voice and a firm handshake, was broad shouldered and tall, and if Silan weren't so intimidated by him he might even find him [REDACTED].

OK ALRIGHT CALM DOWN THERE BUDDY

-

CRASH!

Just as he clicked the shutter the chain-link fence behind him exploded into sound and he jumped violently, sending all of the birds flying. Heart pounding, he sat up and turned around to figure out what the hell that was.

On the other side of the fence was one of the team members leaning down to scoop up the offending ball as the coach's voice echoed across the field, "Stop fucking around, Neely!"

fucking Neely

-

It took him a good five or six more minutes to calm down, sitting there in the grass and pretending to flip through photos on his camera. This time he made sure to face the fence to avoid a repeat scenario- because of course, Silan was known to have the reflexes of a tiger and wouldn't even flinch were another ball to come hurling at the fence.

jotting this down in my Extremely True Silan Facts notebook

-

He sat on the very top row and zoomed in on the players, scattered across the field. The fence still sat between him and the rest of them, reaching high for maximum audience-shielding ability, so he decided to see how many of the players' heads he could frame perfectly within the open links in a single shot.

His average came out to about four, mostly because it was basically impossible to keep track of any more than that at once, but he did manage to get one with six on accident, so that was pretty neat. It didn't help that they were all constantly moving around- Silan probably would have had more luck trying this with the birds.

He spent about another twenty minutes doing this, occasionally moving to other parts of the bleachers for different angles to see if they made any difference (they didn't; the lower he went the wider the holes got but also the closer together the player's heads became, so it balanced out), before the main event, as far as he was concerned, finally began: batting.

silan: boy oh boy i can't wait to take pictures of the baseball team!!!

also silan: does this bullshit

-

Everyone knew baseball players looked coolest and most iconic when at bat, and anyone who disagreed was simply wrong (second best was pitching, third was sliding). Silan's opinion on this was in no way swayed by visuals of Chris that may or may not have been burned into his memory.

Evidence:

[three pictures of a batter, a pitcher, and a sliding athlete respectively side-by-side, the batter obviously being the coolest most hyped up one with dynamic lighting and stuff, whereas the pitcher and the slider are intentionally lame, like cheap-looking clip art or pictures where they're making really ugly faces]

im gonna lose my fuckin shit (no theres no actual pictures this was just a place holder for when i eventually found & inserted them which i was absolutely planning on doing)

-

He stayed on the other side of the fence, lest a stray ball hit him (or worse, the camera)

TRU

-

He was tall (he had several inches on Silan and a good few on Chris), and he was slender and lean and really quite handsome in general. His thick, curly black hair was neatly shaved close to his head and the corners of his jaw were pleasantly pronounced.

Not that Silan could see any of that from this distance, especially with the helmet obscuring most of it. But as a member of the newspaper club these were things he had to know. For professional reasons.

i believe him

-

He should have been adjusting his position to line up the perfect shot, but it was hard not to watch as Chris rose up on one foot, twisting his torso with his arms raised and clutching the ball- then sprung into action by slamming his foot back down into the dirt and following the momentum with his upper body, arm arcing into a powerful throw. A split second after Silan saw the ball hit the backboard he heard the noise, a loud, solid smack!

God. God.

SCREAMS ALRIGHT SILAN CALM DOWN FKFSKGNKSDJFKD

-

"Make sure you're getting my good side, yeah?" He joked, grinning and striking a stupid pose.

silan watching chris: beautiful. flawless. show stopping. groundbreaking. so so hot and sexy hehehauhaoehemeheuenana

silan watching lucas: clown ass motherfucker striking his goofy ass POSE what an idiot 000/10

-

"Yo," Devon greeted as he pulled himself to his feet, flashing his hand in a pseudo wave.

"H-hi," Silan answered haltingly, heart beating a little fast from the maneuver he'd just had to pull. Devon offered what Silan could only describe as a dashing grin before turning his attention back towards home.

hee hee hee hiiiiiii devonnnn *twirls hair* (silan impression)

-

They rarely talked but Devon had always come off as a nice guy with a friendly vibe. He'd certainly never referred to the newspaper club as Mooners- not that Silan had heard, anyway. Though it wouldn't be such a big deal if he did, since the nickname was pretty widespread at this point. But it was nice that he didn't.

Also, he really was quite handsome.

this would have been a very different story had silan gone for devon instead of chris, devon would NEVER pull the shit chris is about to pull in this story fksndkjfdkjg he doesn't even call them mooners 😭

(school newspaper is called the new moon so people call the club members new mooners, an extremely clever & funny joke that i came up with myself)

-

(ok context, silan was gonna take a pic of chris sliding (the team's doing this whole exercise where they alternate from pitching to hitting to sliding) but bc he was so focused on getting the shot he didn't realize the ball was headed right for him so chris collided w him trying to intercept it)

Silan turned around, seeing the coach standing with his arms crossed as Chris examined his elbow. He looked up when Silan moved.

"Thank Christ. That was stupid as hell, you both could've gotten way more hurt." He hadn't even checked if Silan had been injured. "Jumping over another guy like that. We're not a goddamn gymnastics routine."

"But I caught the ball," Chris grinned, holding it up and waggling it around. Silan immediately had to stop himself from asking if he could have it.

LMAO SILAN???????????? DOWN SO FUCKING BAD

-

As he walked off herding the team away, Chris stepped closer to Silan, instantly setting his heartbeat into overdrive, more than it already was.

"Your shoulder okay?" he asked with a gesture towards the shoulder in question, and Silan just about passed away on the spot.

when he checks if ur ok after he ran u the fuck over 😍😍😍

-

Then he looked to the left, in the direction Chris had tossed the ball just a minute ago, at the spot in the grass it had rolled to a stop.

The backboard of the catcher's box announced another missed swing, and Silan picked up the ball, examining it.

The object that had ruined his perfect shot. That had come careening directly towards Silan's head (or worse, the camera). That had resulted in the disastrous collision and subsequent injuries of Chris and Silan. That had wasted precious minutes of Coach Wendell's perfectly scheduled practice regimen.

He tucked it neatly away into his hoodie's front pocket and took a seat on the grass right where it had been.

STOLE THE FUCKING BASEBALL this is unhinged behavior and also exactly the kinda shit i would've pulled in high school 10/10

---

uhhhhhh that was chapter 1 and i feel i should perhaps stop here for now since this is getting like way longer than i thought it would lfksndlfmdkgj the whole thing is like. 30k ish words? i feel like i wrote about 3 or 4 chapters

i like. shoulda done this shit a few days ago so i could start writing again today (the 1st) but i was too busy drawing heehee uhhh whoopsieee >w<

its ok its fine this year i will make it to 50k easy peasy dont even worry abt it ;3 i will definitely not go back to drawing today that would be sooooooo silly and goofy of me hahaha :)

[cutie-romero]

personal rant (haven't done one of those in a while)

tldr: im really depressed after making the biggest dream of my life come true 😶‍🌫️

i'm 26 and ever since i can remember i've wanted to be in a place that spoke english. i feel like i am WAY more comfortable speaking english than my mother tongue (even though i'm not perfect at it and make mistakes daily) but i just never got the chance to go due to money.

then, in 2020, i made a friend, who is from and lives in england, through the funhaus discord while isolating in my room with covid, and we started talking. we watched movies, videos, listened to music or would just shoot the shit for hours on voice. we started talking every single night and he was all of a sudden this hugely important person in my life. feelings were/are involved but imma not get into that now because yeah i cant. anyways, last year the lineup for reading&leeds festival came out and it was a fucking banger. my roommate and i decided "fuck it" and bought tickets, and told my friend we'd go over in late august and spend a few days there.

long story short (lol) we went there on august 25th, and i came back on september 3rd. it was the most unbelievable experience of my life. the weather was ideal, the people we met were the sweetest, and my friend was... lovely. just the loveliest, most perfect person. we hooked up every night i was over there and the feelings i had hoped were dead and buried came right back up to the surface. he had made it clear way before we met up that he didn't want to get into (another) long distance relationship. even though its something i would put up with to be with him, i can fully understand and respect his decision (even though it kills me on the daily and i wish i could be with him).

HOWEVER, i've been having such a hard time being back home as the time i spent there was fucking perfect and everything ive ever wanted. i'd expected to feel anxious, or out of place, or not be able to understand/speak english, but none of that happened. it was as if it was meant to be. not just things with my friend, but just the place, the language..

and i'm so, so fucking scared because i'm starting to forget. i'm starting to forget the shows we watched, i'm starting to forget what he smelled like or what his kiss tasted like, i'm starting to forget what places we visitied and what jokes we made. depression and anxiety have stolen and fucked with my memory for my entire life and i cannot handle it if it does that to this as well.

i have literally no idea what the point of this post was, just a rant i guess as i havent spoken about this to virtually anyone and it hurts more and more everyday lol

[probably-haven]

Hello!! After seeing what you wrote about xiaoven fics I went to see what things you usually write and omg, your archon Venti headcanons????? I am absolutely in love. So if it isn't annoying, could you talk about xiaoven or Venti or Xiao or whatever ship or character you like? I don't care what you are going to say, I just want to know more about your thoughts ^^

I- is this... bestie, this is essentially a free ramble pass- kerujsgheskdfug. Trust me when I say that in no way is this, and in no way will it ever be annoying in the slightest- i literally- lets just say rambling off thoughts is kind of my specialty, especially when provided a topic to branch off of because otherwise I'm just- really indecisive about it so- iujskdh yeah- 100% definitely down to talk about Venti, Xiao, and/or Xiaoven XD. Also, yes- it may have been awhile since i last posted one(cuz again, indecisive about which direction to take part 5), but the Archon War Era Venti headcanons are still without a doubt my favorite posts I've made. It's just such an interesting topic with such endless potential that so few people actually think about or consider or even realize is there, so i always just get really psyched whenever i see someone interact with them lol.

.... this ended up being a bit of a mess: warning in advance

Anyway! onto the actual content!

- You see the thing about Xiaoven is that there's a lot of different ways that it could end up working out, and just personally my favorite way of portraying Xiaoven in my mind is as an unlabeled relationship because if anyone in genshin would give off that vibe its these two. And a number of other reasons.

- Firstly, I heavily headcanon Venti as being an aroace polyplatonic or perhaps heavily demiromantic. However, regardless of this I just don't think that Venti is really the kind of person to worry about how he should label his feelings, thinking it's silly to try to put them in one box or the other, especially with feelings and emotions being as fluid as they are in general. Plus it fits his whole God of Freedom vibe. I just- dont think he's the biggest fan of labels or social categorization in general.

- And secondly on the hand of Xiao... his defense mechanisms are very much ingrained in his personality. It's probably hard enough for him to not go into fight or flight(the answer is fight) at the slightest affection at first, at the slightest feeling of vulnerability. Even further down the line, with his fierce dedication to Liyue, I cant help but get the vibe that the moment he recognized that he was falling for Venti he would begin avoiding him, not only to avoid distraction from his duty, but to avoid corrupting him or losing him in general like he has with like basically every other person he gets close with(even believing that the cycle had repeated once more when he first heard of Morax's death)... now imagine Venti tryna slap a label on their relationship and tell me Xiao would have a positive reaction.

- The thing with Xiaoven.... honestly, i feel like theres more ways that it can go wrong than it can go right, but if they do manage to make their relationship work out, it's just simply beautiful in all terms of the word.

- Lets talk about killing. - During the Archon War, both were forced to kill a large number of people and gods alike- Venti out of a need to remain alive to protect Mondstadt, it's freedom, and the nameless bard's legacy by extent- and Xiao out of servitude to the god that was once his master

..... actually- break here- ive talked a lot about Venti on this blog but I havent actually spoken about Xiao all that much- so i should probably do that a bit first... do note though that my characterization of Xiao is pretty flexible actually- this is just- the possible characterization of him that i tend to favor as being the most- uh- "realistically complex"

-

Theres a line I saw this one time in a certain story: "He is a trained weapon. That's what he is, was, and always will be. You cannot change that so stop trying." And i just- think its a really interesting concept- that applies pretty well to Xiao now that i actually think about it. - the concept behind it is this: After spending more than a vast majority of his life killing or otherwise in battle, it's become a part of who he is, a normalcy that after centuries and centuries would be near impossible to get rid of or reverse, and even if it was possible, with his karmic debt constantly eating away at him its unlikely he has enough time left for that to happen. - it sounds like a cruel thing to say about him- but in context it's actually pretty layered and i think about it a lot. It's not as much a "he's a killer lol, that his whole personality" its more of a "The centuries of trauma he experienced have conditioned him into a constantly alert and battle ready mindset while also shaping his dehumanizing inferior-in-worth-but-superior-in-capability view of himself that would have likely been necessary to get through those time, and at this point he's been under that conditioning for long enough that it's essentially ingrained itself in his personality."

- the main idea is- it's a part of who he is, that needs to be accepted as who he is because its not something that he can just up and change. It's not all he is of course but his constant battle mode, as though always waiting to be ambushed or to be granted a new target to eradicate.

a couple character story quotes:

-"His past of service under the evil god had rid Xiao of his innocence and gentleness. All that remained within him was the means to kill and the weight of his sins. The only way he could be of service to mortals was in combat." -"Xiao does not feel any hatred. Having lived for over two thousand years, no single karmic debt constitutes anything more than a fleeting memory. No grudge can last a thousand years; nor is any debt so great that it cannot be paid off in this time. Xiao has spent many long years alone. But his battles have never been in vain." -"where did Xiao have to return to? He was merely leaving the battlefield." -"since Xiao wages a constant war against dark forces powerful enough to devour Liyue in its entirety, any bystanders who witness him in the heat of battle are likely to end up as collateral damage." -"The war he fights can never be won, and will never come to an end." -"Because ultimately, the one with whom Xiao wrestles is himself."

i feel like at some point this very nearly did consume his whole personality, almost turning him into nothing more than a being of slaughter under Morax's control, devoid of any "humanity" at all, consumed and corrupted by his karmic debt like his fellow yakshas before him. - until he experienced a moment of clarity- a song in the wind, the peaceful melody of a dihua flute. - and pulled back from the border of something he wouldnt have been able to return from, there a was a shift in his mind- a concept grown unfamiliar enough with time that it took him a great time to identify what it was; a curiosity. Something that there was no place for on the battlefield, something that by all means should have been completely useless to Xiao, and yet he held onto that curiosity, slowly regaining over time, a sense of who he was and who he could choose to be with each song that the wind chose to carry towards him every once in a blue moon.

and eventually that curiousity turned to longing. Longing "for a day to come when he will wear the mask and dance — not to conquer demons, but to the tune of that flute amid a sea of flowers"

...... uh- heh- if you couldn’t tell already i have a tendency to make my characterizations/analyses of characters more serious that i probably should. 

to summarize: Xiao is constantly toeing the line between his ingrained nature and his humanity- almost as though still trying to decide how much of that humanity he deserves to have, how much he is allowed to have, and how much is safe to have.

^looking back after writing this, i think the best way to explain it is that this is the view that i keep in mind/the lense that i tend to most enjoy looking through and refering back to while examining and/or analyzing his character, actions, story, lines, and overall personality.

idk- i kinda got off track but i just think its a really interesting interpretation to think about because it has some really interesting implications ig- it’s not the full extent of how i view him of course, but i kinda got ahead of myself and its long enough as is so ill just elaborate as i go- Lol i actually have in progress playlists for both him and venti and just- vibes- i could ramble about the playlists alone for hours explaining everything... It’s probably a problem- uh- ill keep going now lol.

anyways! stepping off the angst path for a brief break! Brought to you by their lines in the snow: both waiting for it to get thick enough, Venti for the purpose of a snowball fight and Xiao for the purpose of a tasty and nutritious breakfast.

but its actually something of note that Xiao doesnt actually need to eat so anything he does eat is usually out of obligation or enjoyment- so like.... snow.... like i dont blame him, but of all things- an adeptus who refuses to eat basically anything but almond tofu looks at the freezing-cold-floor-water that yeeted itself from above and decided at some point- damn- that seems more edible than basically ever single actually edible thing ever.... im gonna eat it- like- im glad if eating snow makes him happy but- at the same time...

He probably convinces Venti to eat snow too though and Venti wouldnt even resist I mean he’s wind and has probably consumed worse things in his time so- 2 anemo cryptids with glowing tattoos sitting in Dragonspine monching snow in the dead of night is an amusing thought to me.

- kay, now back to more serious-toned thoughts

One of the things about the ship that i really like is the different contradicting parallels between them:

A lot of how i view Xiao’s character is someone formed largely by the things he cant control and who was forced to accept that accepted that and learned to thrive in it as much as he can.  Venti on the other hand is surrounded by things he cant control and is ever adapting to control as much as he can while embracing whatever he cant as being part of the unpredictability of the world, seeing beauty in it. 

both of them have lost people and do what they do to honor their memory: Xiao continues to do what the Yakshas once did And Venti chooses to do what his friend couldn’t

Xiao’s power coming from himself  and Venti’s from others And both seem to appear to use their power for their own gain while truly helping others behind the scenes

both have killed a lot of people during the archon war Xiao views it as another necessary event out of his control and Venti would likely view it as a tragedy he chose to enact himself

and this is where we meet out balance

Xiao- contrary to how i think a lot of people view him as thinking of himself as a monster- seems canonically to have accepted this as part of his duty, as long as those he killed are not mortals. I dont think he enjoys it no- but someone has to do it and he’s just accepted that its a part of his duty Venti on the other hand-

See the beauty of the ship- as someone with an angst-centric mind- is this- these are two of the most traumatized mfers in the game 

Xiao is by far the one who needs the most help and who can serve to benefit most from the ship- but he is nowhere near self aware enough to recognize that there’s anything wrong or unhealthy about his mindset in the slightest-

whereas you have the contrast with Venti who sorted through most of his trauma with the nameless bard alone during the archon war and while the result appears more healthy- is still really not- but he’s not self aware of that either because i mean- who’s going to tell him? nobody even knows. 

however- venti is aware enough to notice flaws in Xiao’s mindset and “Venti” enough to want to help them through it-

Xiao- while not aware enough to recognize the flaws in Venti’s mindset, can recognize where it contrasts with his own, and is blunt enough to point it out- and then it’s out there to be mulled over- 

they’re so similar and yet so different and a feel just conversing between the two of them, being in each others precense, just being exposed to two mindsets that are so very different could do both of them a whole lot of good.

GEEE THAT BIT OF RAMBLING HAD LITTLE TO NO DIRECTION AT ALL- LET ME-- LET ME MAKE THIS START MAKING SENSE- WITH... DYNAMICS OR SOMETHING

I don’t think Xiao needs to sleep really- and i dont think that sleeping would do anything except make him uneasy at first- he’d probably just get nightmares after all he’s been through- but with Venti he would soon learn that it doesn’t have to be that way, lulled into the first peaceful sleep he’s had in... as long as he can remember.

anywho back to not making sense cuz im fickle and i think most questions about ships are best displayed through character interactions so like- a possible exchange thats cliche but cliches exist for a reason

Xiao: Why do you try so hard to help me, it isn’t easy. I know that much Venti, with the most adoring expression: Because you’re worth it, obviously Xiao: But surely there are others more deserving of- Venti: No Xiao, everyone is just as deserving as the next person, you included Xiao: Then why me above others? Venti: ehe, cuz ur my warrior of course [O//////O oh shit, hes right] Xiao: My contract is with Morax alone [gay panic but in broody yaksha]

it’s kinda difficult cuz neither of them really address their feelings.  I mean Venti does but he does it very indirectly and its rare that he ever does it with like- genuine directness- even spilling his backstory was in the form of a song- and told in the third person- so a lot of their interactions would often have some deeper meaning, especially with Venti being the bard he is. 

I come up with a lot of- errant thoughts about Xiaoven- but this is making me realize that a true analysis of their ship is rather difficult because it just encompasses so many dynamics so its hard to settle on just one and not go rambling about who knows what bouncing from one end of the ship to the other-  Because you truly can and thats the beauty of it

within one moment you can be having a heartfelt conversation about the archon war the impact of lost friends and times past, and the next moment Venti is trying to forcefeed Xiao an apple while Xiao screams about disrespecting the adepti and its just- so lovely

so while they have picnics with nothing but apples, dandelion wine, and almond tofu they can sit down and talk about the dreams Xiao once devoured, and the dandelion wine and apple cider that the first Ragnvindir invented from the plants that never could have grown in Old Mond. The foods that tasted of familiarity, or of the grilled ticker fish Pervases always used to eat, foods that tasted of friends and frankly family that had since passed, glaze lilies and cecilias and qingxin flowers scattered in the surroundings and woven into Xiao’s neat braids and Venti’s now messy ones, rebraided by the steady and inexperienced hands of one unused to gentle action. 

and then of course Venti steals Xiao’s tofu once the mood becomes too grim and replaces it with a bottle of wine that Xiao refers to as “vile poison,” a remark that fatally wounds Venti as he collapses on the floor, proclaiming how he can only be healed by a Yaksha’s kiss. Xiao ignores this of course and simply takes back his tofu with a slight smile on his face, but as Venti persists he soundlessly places a kiss on his own palm before intertwining their fingers and pulling him back up from where he was dramatically sprawled on the floor, grumbling about how such action was “unbecoming of an archon.” A sign of affection only Xiao would ever know about. But Venti is literally wind and I hc his senses work differently anyways so he definitely knows- plus Xiao’s face is red as the blood of his enemies and the way he is pointedly not looking at Venti at all really speaks volumes anyways. 

 -Venti playing epic battle music whenever Xiao goes into fights in what looks like a ridiculously extra performance to anyone else but is actually doing wonders to keep Xiao’s karma at bay

-Venti preaches the practice of “kissing wounds better” and Xiao is unfamiliar with this medical treatment but views it as unnecessary regardless because adepti have accelerated healing, doesn’t mean he’s going to stop him though. 

-Messages whispered on the wind

-Venti’s 1000 year sleep- an accident, not a fun time for the yaksha, and not a fun time for Venti once he woke up. Venti is actually more afraid of restful sleep than Xiao is, hence the sleeping in trees thing, but when Xiao is there, he can sleep restfully with faith that Xiao wont let another millennia slip through his fingertips. 

- Xiao tends to make excuses when doing things that aren’t necessary to his duty, like in his birthday voice line “Have this, it’s a butterfly i made from leaves... Okay. Take it. It’s an adepti amulet -- it staves off evil” because at the current point in his progress it helps him to feel like he’s allowed to do these things. Not wanting to put him off from progress, Venti never comments on his excuse but never fails to whisper a quick reminder of how proud he is of how far Xiao had come.

- Xiao’s karma saddens Venti greatly- not only because of how it effects Xiao but also because its a reminder that as much as Venti tries to honor the memory of those he’s killed, there will always be those who resent him for it, and when he took the option of living away from them, he truly can’t blame them. - And when he gets too wrapped up in thoughts, whether around this topic or similar ones or otherwise, eventually, he’ll hear the sound of a flute on the wind. It’s not divine by any means, but as his own wind connects him to the source, he gets the sentiment all the same. “What impact does one individual’s remaining wrath have on the present. You have done much to help the living in the present” the unspoken idea that Xiao has included himself in that statement, because now, with Venti’s help he’s beginning to learn just how to experience living for himself. 

- Venti’s form and Xiao’s mask are off limit topics though because if either mentions it the other will counter with the opposite and the mood will turn immediately bitter at the idea that both know that what they’re doing is destructive but neither are willing to change

- Venti who has different tells for negative feelings than most people because as much as he likes to pretend it is- this form isnt his, and Xiao who is able to identify those

- many fanfics and headcanons have Venti recognizing when Xiao is uncomfortable and getting him out of those situations. I see that and I love it but i raise you: - Venti taking Xiao to Mondstadt, careful that he doesn’t get to the point that he’s uncomfortable. And nothing goes wrong exactly, but Xiao notices the the way Venti’s cape is blowing in the wind, the way he’s holding his weight, barely on his feet so much as floating on the wind, connected with the ground only for the sake of appearance, all the while he looks just as happy go lucky as ever. And without a word, he grabs his hand and teleports them both out of Mondstadt.  - turns out it was just a slight thing that reminded him of the archon war (cuz i will die on the hill of him having more tragic backstory than just Decarabian), and he of course gives a sincere if not flustered thanks to Xiao, because he’s really not used to people noticing. 

- Venti trying to vent sneakily through fictional stories and Xiao is just like “Didn’t that basically happen to you” and Venti is just like “<_< shit”

- Venti once said affectionally that he wished he had met Xiao sooner and Xiao immediately and seriously shot it down by saying “If you had, I would have been forced to kill you” and both of them now stay up at night wondering who would have won that fight, not sure which result would have hurt more. (because honestly I have no idea who would win in that fight and that terrifies me- I like to think it would have been one of those legends that end with “and the fight persists to this day” or something along those lines)

- “How long have you been together?” “Adepti have no need for-” “1000+ years T^T how dare you deny our love” “O///O our...? ...useless”

- its disney- let me explain- i have this- i have this headcanon inspired by watching too many animatics- - so venti has a human form that isnt his- which he would have had to get used to moving in- and he’s a bard- - uh- anyway- as a third degree black belt in mixed martial arts, i can speak as an authority on this(not really an authority since i havent gone since quarantine but lets pretend). We have a thing referred to as the big three(most things do), and those things are martial arts, gymnastics, and dance. The idea is that they reflect really well off of each other and the best in any one category are good in all three. Timing, balance, form, discipline, technique, hand-eye coordination, grace, ease of motion, they all play a part- anyway-

- Venti taking Xiao’s prowess in martial arts and acrobatics and teaching him how to dance, and as someone who’s extremely skilled in the first two, the third comes easy to him, almost naturally. And it’s delicate and beautiful and lovely and it isn’t hurting anyone. And Venti points all these things out and more and despite how much Xiao insists that he feels ridiculous he truly does enjoy it and it goes a long way towards helping him form more healthy views of himself and his worth.  - Verr Goldett walked in on him once and made a joke about performing at the inn. unfortunately Venti was there and agreed on Xiao’s behalf before he could protest and- and it wasn’t as bad as Xiao thought it would be... he still wouldn’t do it again though without reason, but with good enough reasoning he could probably be convinced. 

- anyways point is he likes dancing to Venti’s songs and i just think that’s really cute - just picture the idea that all the animatics you see actually have the potential to be canon- ugh

- venti tries holding something out of Xiao’s reach since he’s taller and Xiao just fucking teleports 

- both need their space but when they dont, all they have to do is speak the other’s name and they’ll be there.

- and because i just had to.... love languages

- lets start with Xiao- i don’t think he’d view acts of service or quailty time as a love language tbh, and he blunt but really bad with words so affirmation is out, leaving gift giving and physical touch. However, he seems to view most material things as meaningless so- - Xiao who’s love language is in his fleeting touches, something he’s only recently grown comfortable with because of Venti, and now is giving back, which he knows he doesn’t have to do, but that he want’s to, though he’ll still continue to make excuses for each one. “you were shivering” “The inn is high up, you could have fallen..... I said what I said, you’d question an adeptus?”

- and as easy as it is to say words of affirmation for Venti- he does that for everyone- i want to say his is actually acts of service - its the acts of service that let him see just how much Xiao has progressed afterall, from teaching him to dance, to playing another song on the flute, to supplying him with the almond tofu he seems to enjoy so much. Every little thing he does helps Xiao to grow and he couldn’t be happier about that. 

-

- of course most of my headcanons for the ship do take place latter into the relationship because- y’know the less serious unhealthy vibes allow for greater range of thought, but i do still love to think about the serious implications so i kinda hopped back and forth. So sorry about how messy it is btw, i kinda- got carried away- it kinda got some kind of structure near the end tho so- maybe it’s okay. anyway- back to... lol something, we’ll see where thought forests lead. 

[mrs-theirin]

also! you still havent told me about eden's exes *nudge wink*

only took me a full year 🤡

all the others (& you)

ship: hawke x varric (among others) wc: 1,494 rating: t notes: it’s about all of eden’s relationships what more could you want

[AO3 link]

age 4 

Frayed, dirty, and perfect. Dust collects on her stuffed animal like cobwebs in an attic. 

A tiny Eden Hawke wraps her small hands around his knitted face and calls him, “bubby,” baby-speak for, “boyfriend”. She loves him. She loves him as she loves cake, as she loves bubble baths, as she loves when her father creates explosions from his staff, orange and red and yellow sparking in a dance of flame. 

When the neighbor runs away from her, screaming about danger Eden doesn’t understand, she’s forced to leave Bubby in that same attic, collecting cobwebs like the rest of it all. It hurts just as bad as any breakup.

~

age 9 

Now taught to be cautious around others, Eden is scared to speak. A goddess with golden hair and eyes as green as emeralds walks by her home every day, and she is enraptured. She doesn’t understand what she feels, not really, but she stares, bright blue eyes following the girl as she passes.

On a day where the sky opens up and rain pours from the clouds, the girl slips. Ever helpful, Eden rushes to her aid, helping her to her feet with blush spreading as far as her neck. Hands brush. The girl’s normally sunny hair is darkened with mud and Eden sees her for what she really is, an angel fallen from grace. Dirtied from the mud, the girl looks much more human.

Attainable. 

They have a short relationship, but a sweet one. Neither realize the gravity of their quick pecks on the cheek or playful hand holding. When the girl moves to a new home, Eden feels hollow and alone. Her angel has returned home, and she is shackled back to the cold, dark house, instead being directed to the role of big sister. The twins are two years old now, after all. Someone has to look after them.

~

age 14 

With the new ability to control her magic, Eden is allowed a little farther out of the house. Only permitted to roam the grass fields beside their home, she frolics, relishing in the way the tall grains of wheat tickle her skin. 

When two brown eyes peek out at her through the grass, the same color as his skin, she screams and falls to the ground. A wide, gap-toothed grin follows, and a warm hand helps her to her feet, steadying her as she regains her balance. He’s 16, old enough to wander out by himself, he says. She wouldn’t know, she replies. 

“Can I show you something?” he asks. 

Daring a quick glance at her house, uneasy, she nods slowly, tightening her grip on his hand as he drags her away, running at top speed. With her feet pounding against the ground, her black hair flying in the wind, the wheat whipping against her skin, she has never felt more alive. He is not just showing her what it is to be free from her house, he’s showing her what it’s like to be free. Free of worry, free of cares, free of responsibilities. He whisks her away to a secret spot by the water and returns her a different girl.

When it’s discovered Eden has been running off unsupervised for months—and with a boy, no less—she’s forbidden to leave the house. The boy looks for her every now and then. One day he stops coming.

~

age 15 

A girl with hair as red as the fire Eden can conjure replaces her last, and Eden is as grateful as one can be. Soft kisses shared behind bales of hay enlighten her. Nights of brushing each other’s hair, hands gentle and caring, hushed giggles falling from their lips. She is beautiful.

I love her, Eden thinks, and for once in her life, she is sure. 

When the girl makes snowflakes with her magic, Eden is certain. She understands. She won’t run. She won’t scream. She channels the same energy Eden does, beautiful and bright, warm and cold and free. Papa warns Eden of the danger of their magic, but she doesn’t mind. They’re safe. In the hidden reaches of the Hawke barn, they’re safe. No Templar can touch them there.

When her love calls, she comes. When she beckons, she obliges. So young and hopeful, they feel as if they'll float together forever. 

Eden feels the weight of a thousand pounds settle on her chest when her love is taken away, finally revealed as a mage, and swears she’ll never love another the way she loved her.

~

age 17 

Brown hair that falls in front of his eyes like waves, eyes as dark and stormy and blue as the sea, lips as pink as a ripe peach; Edward Colmes is a god among men. A perfect gentleman, poised and refined, with a grin as charming as his speech. Eddie, he says. Call me Eddie. 

Eden is trapped. 

His mouth casts a spell of its own, without magic, filling Eden’s head with thoughts of love and devotion. In just a few months, Eddie has Eden wrapped around his finger tight. In a moving sea of danger, uncertainty, and doubt, Eddie is her shore. 

It takes three years to notice anything’s wrong. 

Eddie’s hands are possessive, not caring. Eddie’s eyes are predatory, not loving. His mouth is devouring, not gentle—devouring like the ocean during a tsunami, destroying everything in its path, looking as beautiful as ever as it does so. Being around Eddie is like being in a haze, surrounded by fog that seeps within and creates doubt, that turns thoughts into vague ideas, that twists resentment into need of reassurance. Eden loses possession of her thoughts, handing them over to Eddie with apologetic fervor. 

When she’s 21 years old, her father pulls her aside. “Songbird,” he warns, warm brown eyes gentle and worried. “That boy’s no good for you.”

Instead of listening, she locks the door to Eddie’s cage herself, content to be caged for the rest of her life. Eddie visits with another’s lips whispering across his own, and she pretends not to notice. Eddie is gentle when he murmurs, “Edie,” into her ear, his kisses anything but gentle as he moves down her neck, to her chest, and below. 

He is slow and tender and kind when he touches her, his thin fingers trailing down her uncorrupted body, and he is even sweeter when he is the first to take her. To claim her as his. He is all of these things, and yet, Eden feels a dark nest of horrible feelings and insecurities boiling in her chest, growing into a terrible pit in her stomach. 

She hears, I love you, but he says, I own you. 

She hears, You’re mine, but he says, You’re mine. 

When she’s 22, he says, I’ve found someone new, and she hears, You were never worth anything anyway.

~

age 31 

In Varric’s arms, she is worth everything. 

He lies, but not to her. Never to her. 

When her name is spoken on his tongue, it is like honey and wine and good bread shared with good friends. It’s like standing on top of a building to scream your love to anyone who will listen, it’s the rush of standing outside in a storm, it’s everything good wrapped into one little word: Eden. 

When he sees her, really sees her—not Hawke, not the Champion, not the impossible legend the citizens of Kirkwall have built up over the years—it is like being stripped of every insecurity she’s ever had, of any grief, fear, anger, any negative emotion she’s ever felt in her life. She’s a new person when Varric looks at her. 

His gaze is full of admiration. When he looks at her, there is no possession, no lust, no need for control. He is looking at her, not what he can get from her. He is looking at the way her eyes crinkle when she laughs, at the way her lips curl upwards when she’s up to no good, at the way her chest rises and falls when she’s deep in thought. 

Stolen glances across the table during Wicked Grace are enough to get her heart pounding, galloping in her chest like a wild horse. Eden doesn’t have to prove herself to Varric; he’ll love her at her highest and at her lowest, when she’s painted with purple and red, when her face is bare and her lips are that perfect shade of pink, when she’s beaten down and bloody and bruised. He loves every scar, every blemish, every weird mole, because he loves her.

And she loves him. More than Bubby, more than the blonde goddess, more than the boy in the fields, more than the red-haired mage, and certainly, definitely, more than Edward Colmes. 

More than herself. 

More than anyone can possibly love another. 

And she thinks, maybe, just maybe, all the others were worth it, if it meant she can have him now. 

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

sometime in this last week, or this week coming, my blog has turned/turns 10. god. a decade old. a whole ass chunk of my life i’ve spent on this hellsite. when i began on here, i was a kid. a lost, lonely, depressed and anxious 15/16 year old kid. a kid scared of her future. a kid confused about her future. what to do for uni. to change schools or not??? to do drama/acting at uni or english/philosophy or to move 8hrs away to another regional uni to “escape” her “washed up, dead end hometown” that was so typical of all the pop-punk music that she was listening to at the time.

she was a tad overdramatic, loud, “funny” (as described by her school friends) and terribly forgetful in regards to homework and school assignments. she was angry at the world, most especially the catholic school she was fucking sick and tired of attending. but she was convinced that since she was the so-called “funny girl”, that she simply couldn’t be depressed or anxious. she believed herself unloveable because she didn’t look like a weird mixture of hayley williams and emo-pop queen lights. but now, i no longer believe that i have to look like the women that i looked up to in the ~emo scene~. fuck beauty standards. i am loveable.

in the years since joining tumblr, i’ve managed to get through business college, my undergrad degree and, well, failed out of postgrad due to obvious burnout and health issues amongst other things. although i’ve lost many friends irl and many followers/mutuals online on here. for those who’ve stuck around to see me get through all of this, thank you. to all the friends/casual mutuals that have since deactivated or only followed me for a short time then unfollowed; thank you.

like obviously i was never/have never been a massive popular blog on here, like thebootydiaries or vampireapologist (who has since deactivated a couple of months ago) with tens of thousands of followers. my follower count is still close to the 8,000 range at 7,892. obviously that’s still a lot of people (and of course, porn bots lmao and many, many non-active blogs), enough like one super old post from like 2012 tumblr pointed out, enough for a small to medium sized city or town, or something like that. i don’t know how many people i’ve really reached. i really don’t know how i actually amassed this small army of people.

i am aware though, that on other platforms like snapchat (lmao does anyone even use it anymore in 2021???)/instagram/youtube/tiktok etc, i’d PROBABLY be considered as some type of ~micro influencer (🤮🤮)~. hell, i actually had a bot slide into my notes about being one on here on this hellsite back in 2019. i don’t know if i’ve ever actually ~influenced~ anyone on here with my shitposts (when i started making some) or my personal posts. i don’t know my reach. even though, now, i do occasionally get featured on buzzfeed listicles (although pay me buzzfeed along with the OPs of those original embedded posts), i still don’t know how many people i’ve reached… and even with my very occasional checks of google analytics lmao. on top of this, grappling with the loss of followers at times is much, much easier than it was when i began on here and the first few years following that. i know that my follower count doesn’t determine my worth and stuff.

but over these 10 years, i have grown. i turn 26 this year. back in 2011, 15/16yo me never thought she’d be here. she was partially down the suicidal thoughts hole, with things about ~picturing her funeral and wondering who’d bother to turn up. if only she could pretend to be dead for a day to see who’d give a fuck~ and 16-18yo me was defs down it with her HSC hellscape thoughts in 2012/2013. that 3rd floor tafe/tech women’s bathroom window drop and the thought of scarring her class for life (and that cool dude from catholic school that she crushed on who ended up at tafe with her) with jumping out of it onto the concrete below. instead, she just posted on fb about ~being a failure~ etc which ultimately did lose her a bunch of facebook friends lmao. it was practically the same thing. her mental breakdown after the end of her hsc, where she let her earrings go green and get infected in her ears because “fuck self care, bc what the fuck is it??? i’ll never get better! let me fucking wallow in my self loathing bc it’s the only thing that i’m fucking good at!!!” so i no longer have my ears pierced. oh! it was just all too fucking much!!

i am happier today. i no longer have those semi-suicidal thoughts. hell, i almost died in 2020 from a fucking bowel aneurysm, after my stomach tumour excision surgery. that forced me to put things into perspective. i appreciate the little things . i appreciate the very few friends that i actually have. yes. i’m still depressed and anxious. some days are still shitty and hard. but nowhere as hard and shitty as they were back when i began on here 10 years ago.

how the fuck last 10 years have gone past, with my ass on here; clearing out my blog and caring more about doing that than my uni work (lmao whoops); having made some lifelong friends both internationally (from the US) and long distance domestically in australia, it’s been a long ride; i honestly have no fucking idea. obviously over these past 10 years, i’ve debated with myself over and over and over again whether i should delete/deactivate this account or not. would it make me healthier??? more than likely. but then when i have meltdowns or just inner ramblings i have to get out somewhere, where else to post??? on fb?? obvs not. it’s “attention seeking” or the like on there. no one will read them. no one will resonate. but on here??? even if i got/get one “like” in the notes or one “yo i feel this” response in the tags or replies, it feels like i’ve reached someone??? okay yeah. i know this place IS NOT therapy and i’m not using my followers as amateur (or probs even actual professional) armchair psychologists…. which is a thing i think people need to stop doing internet-wide: but that’s a whole other post that i reblogged a few days ago lmao. i really need to get another therapist, actually lmao.

but it’s the community i’ve found hard to leave. i have what feel like friends, when i’ve never been employed (still as of yet); and when all of my irl friends/acquaintances are working and doing the whole ~adulting~ and ~grown up life~ thing right. it’s also the frenzied rabidness of spite with hating staff’s godawful ideas. the memes. oh the memes. and also the RaWrInG 20s XD emo scene reemergence on here that’s kept me here. the messy petty drama from time to time of big blogs fighting it out.

this place really is bizarre and fun sometimes. and also the fact that i can still hide behind the ridiculous “roaring pikachu” URL that i made all those years ago. i am anonymous. it’s freeing. but on fb it’s all like “WHY WONT YOU ADD A BANNER IMAGE AND TELL US 20 FUN FACTS ABOUT YOU!!!!!???? LET PEOPLE WHO HAVENT SPOKEN TO YOU IN 10 YEARS KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU BECAUSE WE’RE ALL FRIENDS HERE!!!” and the same goes for Corporate Hellscape Facebook™️ (linkedin) but in the professional sense instead. y’all know fuck all about me really. besides my posts. and i love that and live for that. okay yeah. y’all know more about my mental health than my fb feed obvs… which is probably a terribly unfortunate thing. but still.

over the last 10 years then, my superiority complex for being ~so original and intelligent~ or whatever the fuck i had in high school, has all but ebbed away. i’m not that smart just because i went to uni. hell, i literally did NONE of my in-class work and none of my philosophy readings in uni….. so i have fuck all idea of how i got through undergrad like that lmao. i’m not original when so many people can articulate the same thoughts that i have, but like, sometimes better, on a post (even though sometimes/most of the time the Tumblr User Hot Takes Tuesday™️ takes on here are fucking awful lmao). but still. originality is not something i really have anymore. or really had in the first place lmao.

so will i deactivate after these 10 years, like i’ve been saying for so, so long??? i honestly have no idea. but just know. thanks guise. have a nice gpoy selfie day XD. grab your wands. your tardises. grab your war paint. grab your whatever the fuck other fandom specific stuff that was one that hella cringe post from 2011 til 2015 random tumblr. that relic is as old as time itself. just as this mysterious roaring pikachu is for someone whose too loyal to leave this W E B B E D H E L L S I T E that’s just as much of a train wreck as she is. lmao.

[owlf45]

First Line Game

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all!). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line. Then tag 10 of your favorite authors!

Uh uh uh tagging anyone!!! Go u

Yes I just noticed this even tho you tagged me 27 days ago,, sue me 

here’s for stories I havent posted yet bc i think thats more interesting: 

1. The poor boy was pressed up against the muddy wall. His limbs were contorted strangely of his own volition, attempting to make himself seem smaller than he was as he curled away from her. His two wandering, glazed eyes barely peeked out between the folds of his arms, plagued with fierce terror and uncertainty. — quaternary structure

2. Wind, coarse, harsh and cold, whips at his clothes and hair and bites fiercely at his exposed face. It howls and whistles in his ears, pulling and yanking him aimlessly across the barren terrain. His eyes burn and ache from dryness as towering, sweeping clouds of dust and snow circle and billow around him like giant spirits swept away in a storm. Glaring flashes of lightning illuminate the outlines of the swirling haze, accompanied by hollow booms that tremble the sky. — pineal body*

3. Breaking his leg was the final straw. — idk royal duo holders au title here 

4. Maiko was twenty-three when the time finally came. — parallels

5. The first thing that appears on Chousen’s skin from his soulmate is a small ‘dumbass’ written in neat, slanted letters. — Smudges

6. Uraraka’s parents are chronic liars. — Uncanney Valley*

here’s for stories i already posted:

7. Second will never be what First wants, but he tries his best. — Meticulously 

8. Remember, Izuku, that the crown weighs heavy on a head full of stolen ideals. — Crown of Ink

9. Ren Akamine absentmindedly placed a water bottle on the girl’s desk. Hers was beside his own, but despite the close proximity as classmates, they hadn’t spoken a word to one another the entire year. — Vitamin Window

10. “I’d like one scoop of mint chocolate chip in a bowl, please.” — ripen the plucked days 

11. Izuku is sitting ram-rod straight in the courtroom as he listens to the prosecutor, who paces back and forth in the courtroom. His words are powerful and cutting. It booms. It echoes. It rings and follows back to Izuku. Standing next to Izuku is the translator, who quietly repeats everything the prosecutor says. — Frame of Reference 

12. It wasn’t meant to happen. — Insecurities of the Body 

13. “Does it ever get annoying?” — Rose Quartz

14. Seiya hated speaking Spanish. Maiko and he weren’t always on the best of terms, and as he stood there, hands on his hips, in the middle of who-fucking-knows-where in Brazil, he was starting to feel the edge of his distaste for her more and more. — Two Daisies

15. Izuku only had to wait for five more minutes. — Dandelion

16. He’s hiding in the dark, cramped space, folded into himself and silent. — Instincts of a Hollow Chest* 

17. “You? You’re the famous villain everyone’s talking about recently? A little twig like you?” — Safe Space 

18. Izuku does not have friends, but the man who sits on the bench with him every day is nice. — Imaginary 

19. He was found by a man with dark hair and yellow eyes. — Indefinite

20. Perhaps it was the predisposition of Nedzu’s character to seek out what shouldn’t have been his affairs, but he was undeniably interested in harboring a discussion with the peculiar man. — lol no this is on my second account good luck finding it <3 

pineal body, instincts of a hollow chest, and I think uncanny valley are my favorites (i couldnt pick one oops). they each represent the core of the main three styles i usually attempt in my openings. 

I tend to go with pretty snappy and short first lines that get straight to the point. I don’t really like opening with narration or rambles or character introspection—you’ve just met the characters, and often I don’t care about their situation enough to sympathize that well. After reading so many fics that start off with the ‘the world is cruel’ monologue i try to stay away from it. Starting off with a simple event or object or trait that someone can clearly visualize and relate to is something I prefer to jump off of. 

I’m the belief that if the crux of the beginning of somone’s fic is 1) the beginning narration of canon (like the ‘world is not equal’ dialogue from BNHA) or 2) relies too much on the character explaining their suffering, that’s what the rest of the story will stick to—canon and melodramatic telling instead of showing. its a fifty fifty chance (on a good day) whether or not im proven wrong, but there are so many ways to start off a story and its always exciting to get a strong beginning. 

[starwarsimagines1105]

Soulmates II O-WK

Part 1

Warning: Slightly vulgar language

~~

Y/N POV

You walked back into your hut after a long, exhausting day. Tampidor was similar to Tatooine, in that if you didn’t want to be found, you came here. Shady things happened here and you had hoped you would never come back when you first left at the age of 16. But desperate times called for desperate measures. You had spent the last two years jumping from planet to planet to avoid your soulmate until you finally settled back here on your home planet. You figured it was safe considering he likely would have tried to figure out your native planet and go there first.

Taking off your belt and unwrapping the cloth from your body, you were left in your tanktop and pants. (Picture Rey’s outfit) Throwing your meager earnings into a drawer of your dresser, you flopped onto your cot. You had intended to only rest but you ended up falling asleep.

When you did wake up it was dark out. With a groan of frustration, you realized it was 3 am. Then you felt it, the pull of your soulmate. Spinning around and sitting up you were greeted by the sight of a handsome, bearded Jedi standing in the doorway of your hut. You grabbed the dagger next to you, glancing around, desperate for a way out of this situation but you knew it was hopeless. Even if he weren’t blocking the only exit, he was a Jedi, he could easily freeze you in your tracks. “If you’re here to kill me, just do it,” you spat, still pointing the dagger at him.

Looking concerned he reached his hands out in a sign of peace. “Believe me, you’re my soulmate. I would never hurt you. I know you think we’ll kill you but we don’t. Jedi soulmates are more so celebrated than anything,” he tried to explain to you. You could see the desperate pleading in his eyes.

“So what if you don’t kill me. You’ll just lock me up so I’m not a distraction for you.”

He took a step closer to you. “Yes, Jedi mates are asked to stay in the temple, you will still have freedom. Please, Y/N, believe me, I need you.”

Your heart cracked slightly at the sadness of his voice. Your gut instinct was to hug and comfort him but you pushed it down. Lowering the dagger a little, you spoke again. “How do you know my name? I don’t even know yours.”

“Your friend from the bar told me. I’m Obi-Wan Kenobi.” You let the hand holding the dagger fall to your side.

Standing up, you extended a hand to him. He took it gratefully and you felt a slight spark when your fingertips first brushed together. “Well, to be honest, I don’t know how to act in this situation. This is my first time meeting my soulmate,” you joked, trying to lighten the mood.

Fortunately, he laughed too. Then he got a serious look on his face. “I’m sorry, this is going to be a lot to ask of you but I have to. Will you come back to Coruscant with me? I must be getting back to the temple soon but I won’t leave without you.”

You took a moment, considering everything. If you went, you could be falling right into a trap but simply touching your soulmate made the bond even stronger. You’d be longing for Obi-Wan every day if you didn’t go with him.

Before you could even come to a decision, he spoke again. “You don’t have to decide now. I’ll be here for at least another day on more official Jedi business.”

You nodded in thanks and just as he was about to leave, you called after him. “Wait! Do you have a place to sleep?”

“No, not officially, I’m sure there’s a form of lodging in town.”

“Oh, don’t go into town. If no one breaks into your room and steals your things, you will certainly be sleeping on unwashed sheets. You can stay here, I know it’s less than ideal but we are soulmates after all,” you offered, trying to seem confident and not at all like a nervous teenager.

He gave you a smile and stepped closer to you. “Thank you, but you should know that if given time to spend with you, it’s always an ideal situation.”

You blushed deeply, trying to cover it up by turning around to face your bed. You turned to face him as he also approached, laying down on his side. You laid down next to him, initially intending to not touch him but the bond urged you to move closer.

Seeing your move closer to him, he took it as a sign that you were comfortable enough for him to pull you closer. Placing an arm around you, he pulled you into his side. You were surprised at this, but you felt like it was right so you placed your head on his chest, cuddling into his side. You could sense the warmth and happiness that flooded through him, and you suspected he could feel the same from you.

You woke up early to the sun rising, just as you woke up every day. Ordinarily you would have groaned about how little sleep you got last night but truthfully, it was the best sleep you had ever had. “Good morning,” you heard a low voice say in a loving tone.

“Good morning,” you retuned. Pushing up, off of him you sat up. Behind you, Obi-Wan took the time to admire you. Your hair falling gently and the sun silhouetting you. Standing up, you began wrapping your body in the cloth and then bound it with your belt. You turned back to your soulmate who was staring at you, seemingly in awe. “So, what’s your Jedi business? If you’re here to correct the planet then you’ll be here for far longer than a day.”

“Two… merchants, I’ll call them, have been starting battles between themselves which may turn this planet to war,” he explained. “So, I’m here to try to settle it.”

You scoffed, you knew exactly who he was talking about. “Good luck with that. Neonters and Ha will never agree on anything.”

“Well I’ve already spoken to Ha, he says he’s willing to meet. I hope Neonters also agrees and if not, I’m sure I can Jedi mind trick them,” he smiled.

You laughed slightly, leaning down to the still in bed Obi-Wan, you kissed him. “C’mon, I work for Neonters, I’m sure I can get you a meeting.” Still shocked by your kiss, Obi-Wan could only nod. He stood up, following you out of your hut.

“I have to ask, what do you do for Neonters?” you could tell he was worried. Women weren’t treated the best here and considering your job on Coruscant anyone would expect you to have a far worse job.

“I’m essentially his personal assistant. I do his errands and keep track of his schedule. Don’t worry, I havent been asked to take my clothes off,” you laughed. You saw the slight relief on his face but he was still uncomfortable so you took his hand, intertwining your fingers together. On the way to Neonters, you stopped at the fruit stand you always stopped at. The shopkeeper knew you, he knew Neonters paid his tab every month so he just set the bag in front of you, turning to his other customers.

You noticed Obi-Wan’s quizical look. “His breakfast,” you explained. He nodded and you continued to your boss’ “base.”

You walked in to see Neonters waiting for you. “Y/N!” he exclaimed. “Always the highlight of my day when I get to see you,” he said in his gravely voice. You could sense Obi-Wan tense behind you.

You placed the bag in front of him. “This is Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi. He has been sent here to hopefully settle the recent conflicts between you and Ha.” You stepped aside, allowing Obi-Wan to speak directly to him. To be honest, you couldn’t really focus on anything being said, you were too mesmerized. You only managed to snap back into consciousness when Neonters agreed to meet Ha.

-

After all the agreements were settled, Obi-Wan approached you with an exhausted look. “I have acted as a moderator many times before but I have never experienced anything like that.”

You laughed, hugging him. As he squeezed you tightly, you spoke. “I’ll go with you,” you mumbled against his chest.

“Really?” he pulled away so he could look at you. When you nodded he picked you up, making you laugh. When he placed you down again, he kissed you deeply, which you eagerly returned.

-

As you landed at the Jedi temple on Coruscant, you began to feel nervous. The thought began to creep back into your mind that they were going to execute or imprison you. Obi-Wan noticed your nervousness. He placed a hand on your thigh, trying to calm you. “Relax, the council just wants to meet you.” You nodded in acknowledgement, still uneasy.

When you landed, you walked as closely to your soulmate as possible. Several others greeted Obi-Wan, congratulating him on finding you. They tried to be kind and talk to you, but you were so distracted looking around you could only give one word answers. Once you reached the council chambers door, you had managed to steel yourself. Taking a step back from the comfort of your soulmate, you stood up straight.

Obi-Wan gave you a reassuring look before the council chambers opened. Despite all your efforts to look calm, you walked nervously. You weren’t force sensitive but even you could feel the sheer power radiating from the most powerful Jedi sitting in the room. “Y/N L/N,” one of the Masters spoke, “we are pleased to invite you to the Jedi Temple of Coruscant. It’s always a pleasure to meet a soulmate, especially one to one of our council members.”

Looking around, you finally noticed one of the seats was empty. It must belong to Obi-Wan. “Soulmate safety is one of our top priorities,” Obi-Wan said, taking his seat and leaving you alone. “So it is requested that you stay here, in the Temple, or have a Jedi with you when you leave.” You nodded, you knew there was no point in fighting it.

“Ideal, it is not,” an old, green, almost elf like Jedi said. “But for you and Master Obi-Wan’s safety, necessary, it is.” You once again nodded in agreement. After a few more things were discussed you and Obi-Wan were allowed to leave.

He led you to his quarters. “This is where we will be staying,” he told you.

“This is much nicer than a dirt hut in the middle of nowhere,” you joked.

Still sensing your unease, he wrapped his arms around you. “You’ll be safe here,” he whispered lovingly. “You won’t have to run anymore or take less than ideal jobs.” You wrapped your arms around him in return.

“I love you,” you whispered.

“I love you, too,” he said against your forehead, kissing it.

~~

Taglist

@algentforthewin @fanartcollectorwriter @randomfangirl7 @amberash05

[thewritingstar]

To Learn to Love Again

Pairing: Gruvia

warnings: character death.. 

Hi! im not dead I swear!! any ways i truly apologize for this one.......like i cried........but i hope you enjoy???? (i need to write cute stuff...its coming!)

----

“Someone as vile as you could never learn love, and that's where you lose.”

Those words had haunted her ever since they had been spoken. Her expression didn’t even waver at the tone and she rolled her eyes before plunging a knife deep into their stomach, silencing them for all eternity. The blood leaked out and she was gone before their leg had stopped twitching. 

And they were right. She could never love, not again.

She had gone through husband after husband. Finding a rich hallow shell of man who would drop to their knees in a slight second and offer her everything, that was what she had. She collected her debt and when she was done, they would be cast aside in the shadows, divorced and some even left for dead.

That look of numbness, it was cold and brutal and brought a frosty chill down anyone's spine who had happened to catch her gaze, it was always there.

Ring after ring, she tossed them aside or would leave them for an orphanage to pawn off just to feed the hungry children, she had some sort of heart beneath all the smoke and fog inside. They never lasted longer than a month and if so, it could rust off before she could ever say ‘i love you’.

Those words, like fire on the tongue, sick to the stomach and made her toes curl in disgust any time someone uttered them to her. It was all one sided. She didn’t need affection or anyone. She could handle herself but taking ego of a man and all his riches could only fill the hole in her heart for long. She had sold her soul along time ago anyways.

Love. It almost had her laugh. Almost. It was pathetic at this point to even think about it, to even give that hope a speck of light. No, she was far to gone now. There was nothing in this universe that brought her pride or joy. Even the sweet lemon candy she once loved had lost its touch and was just a force of habit now.

-- She clean the knife in the sink and set it aside. Her gaze went out the window as the rain trickled on. Something so beautiful and needed for the world to grow had now become a nuisance, flooding everything in its path and drawing people away than in. But she was fine with that, at least she knew her place.

Even in the pouring rain, she grabbed the umbrella. She once had a bright pink one with hearts that danced along the top but traded it for the dark blue as it seemed to fit her better now. Someday she wished she had it back, but that would be too much. It would bring back more bitterness than good. 

She boots squished in the mud and she gave up caring. There was nothing for her now and slowly and slowly she felt herself drifting farther and farther away, wishing she was like the rain. Here for a second, then gone the next. 

“Never learn to love.” She clutched the handle, her knuckles turning white.

She could never love any other.

Not any more.

“Thats where you lose.”

And she had lost.

But they were wrong about love. Wrong about her never feeling the highs and lows of what the feeling was. She had been in love before, a beautiful and wonderful love.

Her memory was constantly playing those times, a loop for only her to know. Where she could run through the forest with him hot on her heels and they would lose their breath and slump against the tree. He would lean over her, hiding her from the burning sun under a tree and kiss her cheek, then her neck, then her lips. She could almost taste him. She could almost see the way his eyes glazed over as he took her in and she could feel the blush. 

Memories of them fighting bad guys and using their strengths to out number their opponents, she would hug him tight after a victory and they would slip away from the crowds and he would tell her how much her loved her.

The times they spent dancing, humming to their own tunes. She remembers how shy he was when they first started dating but then his confidence soared and he made sure that everyone knew how much he adored her.

Her laughed at her jokes, held her when she was sad and cheered her on no matter what. They were the ones people rooted for.

The feeling of love was always with her and it washed away the years of pain and suffering she endured. He was the one to carry her out of the dark, to love her a full capacity. To make her head be in the clouds even on the bad days.

She knew what love was.

And then it ended just as it began. She had love the tragedy in literature and now she was suffering, the only difference was once the book close, you could open it and start again. This was permanent. 

The scream that escaped her lips as she watched his knees buckle to the ground and fall just as he saved her, it echoed through the empty walls of the house they once shared. The blood that coated the fresh fallen snow, stuck to her mind that a broken record player and when she held him in her arm, he gave her a smile.

His head was in her lap and she brushed back his bangs. His chest rising and falling, it stopping faster and faster. Her face was red with tears and anger but all she could see was his dark brown eyes looking up at her. She could tell you the moment when his eyes had lost his soul and turned black. 

“You saved me again.” She said and he had enough strength to bring her hand to his lips. 

“You were always so beautiful even when you cried.” he whispered just as his eyes fluttered. “I love you.” And she didn’t think he heard her when she said it back.

She had lost the only one she had ever loved. And that next day she still walked down in her wedding dress and cried until the sun rose the next day. That pit of despair and fear crawled back into her slowly, undoing all the darkness he had vanished.

There was nothing stopping her, nothing keeping her going. And when they all came to find her, she was long gone, never to be seen again.

-- Her feet slowed as she stopped at a small clearing in the forest.

The money, the jewels, the riches. None of that mattered. 

This life she was living was suppose to be theirs. She was suppose to wake up and see him there. Walk down the path with him at her side and watch as he would make her small sculptures out of ice. He would sit on the counter as she baked and try and distract her. There was so much of the world left to see yet she had lost her universe already. 

Her knees hit the group with a thud but she made no noise as she guided her hand to the cold stone that had his name engraved. The only thing that ever made her feel even the smallest speck of emotion was her ring.

The only ring she had even wore was from him, her beloved. And even that had lost its sparkle over time.

“You know Gray-sama…” She thought this was dumb. Talking to a stone, but right now, more than ever, she needed him. “Juvia thought she could do it… she thought she could be okay.” Her lips trembled and for the first time in a while, she cried. “You taught Juvia how to love. How to be a wonderful and selfless person, you did. And its not fair” Another wave of sadness hit her. She shook her head. “The way you smiled and laughed with your friends, you loved everyone.”

“Juvia just hopes you knew how much she loved you.” She sobbed and she could feel the tears burning her cheeks.

There was a silence, like always and she hoped she would wake up from this bad dream and he would be standing there and his arms would be open and she would run to him and never let go. But she didn’t, and she never would. He was her person and she was his.

She sat at his grave, tracing his name slowly and she prayed that she never forgot the sound of his voice or the smell of his clothes. The feeling of his hands and the texture of his lips had faded like a whisper and before she realized what was happening, it was gone.

“Happy anniversary my love.”

The sky above grew darker as she finally managed to walk away, turning around just to feel her heart shatter again. She could never learn to love again, because how could you love someone when your heart had been given up long ago?

--

And then the minute reset. 

Her eyes were blurry with tears as she heard someone call her name. 

“Juvia!” She looked down to see Gray in her lap, fear in his eyes as pulled her close. 

Her entire memory had become twisted in her mind as she looked around at the battle field then back at Gray. Her tears were full of anger and sorrow.

“Juvia?’ He said worried about that look but before he could finish she had slammed their lips together and pulled him closer to her.

His breath was warm on her face as she pulled away and she looked him in the eyes. they were still the beautiful shade of brown, full of life with pupils blown wide. 

“Gray, promise Juvia you’ll never leave her like that again?”

And the look on her face had sent a cold shiver down his spine. He didn’t know that he had just died and their future had played in her mind, but what he did know in that moment was to never leave her because he loved her.

“I promise.”

She had learned to love, but she would be damned if she ever lost. No, not ever again. 

That night Gray gave her a promise ring and it shined brightly and her tears and sorrow were soon forgotten.

----

Btw i wasn’t going to add the happy ending but then i thought that yall maybe needed it. Im sorry i havent been posting but now that we are in quarantine, hopefully i can get more going, i have alot planned!!

hope you enjoyed!

[purpli-writes]

Makoto Naegi's Normal School Life

Summary:

Makoto Naegi had always wanted to go to Hope's Peak Academy but when he was informed he'd be one of a kind in his class?

He wasn't so sure.

Day One of My Naeishi Week: Monster AU

You can read it on AO3 here

“Are you paying attention, Naegi-kun?” Nanami asked, staring at Makoto a little worried. “This is important information, I think.”

“Y-yes, I am Nanami-senpai,” Makoto replied quickly. “It’s… a lot to take in, though.”

“That’s normal, probably,” Nanami responded, pulling out her Gamegirl. “It was with me, anyway…”

“But, I think the golden rule is just to treat them as you would anyone else,” Nanami added. “They’re after all still your classmates, Naegi-kun.”

Makoto nodded. If Nanami could handle her class he would probably be fine.

Assuming his luck didn’t go against him, of course.

Entering his class for the first time was going to be the hardest, that Nanami had promised.

Makoto had always thought of himself as a somewhat sociable person but now all he wished is that he could go hide away in his dorm.

They might buy that I’m sick, right? Makoto thought desperately as he stared at the classroom door.

Still, despite his nerves, Makoto reached for the handle.

He was sure he had never been more nervous in his life.

That was sad, wasn’t it?

Makoto slowly opened the door, ignoring the beating of his heart.

“Ah, Naegi-kun,” a mature voice greeted, startling Makoto. “I see you’ve made it here in one piece.”

Makoto dumbly nodded, staring at his teacher.

“Would you like to introduce yourself?” the teacher prodded, smiling softly.

Slowly but surely, Makoto made his way to the front of the classroom, ignoring the stares he felt on his back.

“My name is Makoto Naegi,” Makoto began, staring straight ahead. “I’m the Ultimate Lucky Student and I’m pleased to make your acquaintances.”

“If you could find your seat, Naegi-kun,” the teacher said. “We could start a more formal meeting.”

So far, Makoto thought as he made his way to the one empty desk, school seems pretty normal…

Maybe it won’t be so bad after all!

Makoto found that his classes for the most part passed smoothly, however it was a bit awkward not knowing anyone at first.

Luckily, Maizono, Ikusaba, and Hagakure were quick to talk to Makoto, claiming that he had seemed interesting.

“Naegi-chi,” Hagakure had said, beginning a question he had already asked several times before. “Do you have any magic?”

“No,” Makoto answered, getting a bit annoyed. “Up until a few weeks ago, I had no clue that magic was even real.”

“Huh…?” Maizono had said. “Humansssssss really have no clue?”

“It would make sense,” Ikusaba said. “They have explanations for everything, why would magical instances be any different?”

“I mean little kids believe in magic,” Makoto said. “But as we get older we just stop believing…”

“That’sssssssss horrible!” Maizono gasped, tail shaking slightly.

“Perhaps it’s just part of their lives,” Ikusaba said calmly.

Makoto nodded at that, not knowing what else to say.

“Well, Naegi-chi,” Hagakure began. “If you ever want to learn magic, learn it from me!”

Glancing at Maizono and Ikusaba told him that he might not want to take Hagakure up on his offer, yet Hagakure had looked so excited. Saying no outright would be like kicking a puppy...

“Thanks, Hagakure-kun,” Makoto said. “I’ll… think about it?”

Hagakure smiled brightly, and slowly the conversation turned to more normal things.

chiaki nanami:

nanami: naegi, how was your first day?

naegi: it was… interesting but not bad.

nanami: see? i told you it wouldnt be that bad

nanami: probably

naegi: i mean i havent really talked to most of them yet

nanami: you might do it eventually, naegi! i believe in you

nanami: maybe…

naegi: ...thanks?

nanami: no problem!

Makoto slowly tried to introduce himself to the rest of his class, some more successful than others.

But there was someone who kept gaining Makoto’s interest despite Makoto not talking to him.

Ishimaru Kiyotaka.

It seemed his small friend group had noticed his interest although Maizono and Ikusaba didn’t seem exactly eager to mention it.

Makoto didn’t know whether to be thankful or worried.

“Naegi-chi,” Hagakure said as they walked to lunch. “Are you ever going to talk to Ishimaru-chi?”

“Huh…?” Makoto said, scratching at his cheek. “I do talk to him, Hagakure-kun.”

“That’s not what I mean, man,” Hagakure whined out. “Since it’s obvious you have a crush on him why don’t you talk to him?”

“What…?” Makoto asked. “I don’t-”

“It’s obvious, man,” Hagakure said. “I could predict your future with him for a measly 100,000 yen!”

“...I’ll pass, Hagakure-kun,” Makoto said.

As Hagakure and Makoto made their way to the lunch table Makoto couldn’t help but ponder Hagakure’s words.

I can’t have a crush on Ishimaru, I haven’t even really spoken to him…! Makoto thought. ...Right?

Makoto went through the rest of his day, trying not to think of Ishimaru.

If anything, it’s a bit creepy, right? Makoto thought to himself. I mean, we don’t even know each other!

“Naegi-kun,” Maizono began, slithering up to Makoto at the end of their final class. “Did ssssssssomething happen?”

“Huh?” Makoto asked, looking at Maizono. “I don’t think so, why?”

“You ssssssssssseemed a bit out of it,” Maizono explained. “Thissssssssss doesn’t have anything to do with Ishimaru-kun, doessssssssss it?”

“W-wha…?” Makoto said. “How did you-”

“I’m pssssssssssychic, ssssssssssssillly!” Maizono smiled. “Jusssssssssst kidding, I jussssssssssst have good intuition!”

Makoto stared at Maizono in a bit of a shock.

“Maizono-san,” Makoto began. “I think I might have a bit of a problem…”

“And you have a crush on him?” Ikusaba asked plainly. “Despite not interacting with him other than superficial moments?”

“When you say it like that…” Makoto said, scratching at his cheek.

“Hey! Humans have short life spans!” Hagakure said. “So of course he’d fall in love quickly!”

I didn’t think my lifespan was that short… Makoto thought.

“I think it’sssssssssssss ssssssssssssweet,” Maizono added. “Love at firsssssssssssst ssssssssssssight, right?”

“It isn’t love!” Makoto protested. “I… just… I don’t know.”

“Well you won’t find out if you don’t talk to him,” Hagakure said.

“Hagakure-kun is right, for once,” Ikusaba said. “You’re going to have to talk to Ishimaru-kun to confirm your feelings.”

“It won’t be sssssssssssso bad, Naegi-kun,” Maizono said. “Ishimaru-kun can’t be that bad to talk to.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Makoto said. “Well, wish me luck.”

“Hopefully we don’t have to man,” Hagakure said. “You are the Ultimate Lucky Student aren’t you?”

Finding Ishimaru wasn’t hard. From the little interaction Makoto had with him he knew the guy liked to study.

Religiously.

Makoto went to the library and unsurprisingly Ishimaru was there. At least his intuition wasn’t wrong.

“Ishimaru-kun?” Makoto said, walking up to Ishimaru. “Could we talk?”

“Of course, Naegi-kun!” Ishimaru said in his usual loud voice. “Students communicating is fundamental for a working school environment!”

“It’s more of a personal matter,” Makoto said, looking away.

“Oh? Please do share, Naegi-kun!”

“I realized I don’t really know a lot of my classmates that well,” Makoto said. “So I wanted to get to know you better, Ishimaru-kun.”

What a copout… Makoto thought sullenly to himself.

“I would also be interested in furthering our relationship, Naegi-kun!” Ishimaru responded, smiling with his arms out.

chiaki nanami:

naegi: ...i need your help, nanami

nanami: huh…? what do you need naegi?

naegi: i dont know how to flirt with one of my classmates

nanami: oh? youre already flirting with one of your classmates?

nanami: um… thats… a problem

naegi: i know

nanami: just flirt with them like you would a normal person, probably

naegi: i dont know how to flirt with people

nanami: im not good at dating sims, naegi…

Slowly but surely Makoto was sure he was making progress with befriending Ishimaru. His friends offered him tips on what they had learned about Ishimaru but he wasn’t exactly sure he could accept all of their help.

“I could have one of my minions follow him, man,” Hagakure offered during lunch.

“There’s probably a love spell I could cast on him,” Ikusaba said during the middle of their third period. “Although I would have to go to the dragon realm…”

“You could alwayssssssss trap him, Naegi-kun!” Maizono had said cheerfully at the end of the day.

Yeah, his friends were probably not the best people to consult on this matter.

“Naegi-kun!” Ishimaru yelled after Maizono had left him for the day. “I think it would be pertinent for us to study!”

“Huh…?” Makoto said. “Study…?”

“Yes!” Ishimaru said. “It would help us better understand each other while still keeping on top of our school work!”

“We could… just hang out?” Makoto offered. “That would also help us better our friendship…”

“But what about our studies?!”

“Studying isn’t everything in a friendship…” Makoto said. “I mean it’s also important for friends to relax with each other.”

“Wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-what?!” Ishimaru cried out, looking shocked.

Did Makoto… break him?

Did I really say something that weird…? Makoto thought.

“I understand, Naegi-kun!” Ishimaru said, starting to cry. “Thank you for teaching me, Naegi-kun!”

“You’re… welcome?” Makoto said, scratching at his cheek.

“Naegi-kun! You can decide the place we relax!”

As Makoto led Ishimaru to a park he had discovered nearby he noticed Ishimaru’s tail wagging.

Huh, I didn’t know that he could do that… Makoto thought. It’s kind of cute…

The routine of hanging out with Ishimaru continued for a few weeks and Makoto found himself happy with how things were going thus far.

Too scared to make a move, Makoto had accepted that he was resigned to only being friends with Ishimaru.

Not that that was a bad thing, despite how his friends had teased him.

Yet today, Ishimaru had been acting a bit weird to Makoto. More red-faced and loud, almost as if he was annoyed.

Did Makoto do something?

“Are you really that dense, Naegi-kun?” Ikusaba asked, blinking at Makoto. “I wonder how you’ve made it this far.”

“Huh…? What do you mean?” Makoto asked, tilting his head.

“I think it’s pretty obvious, man,” Hagakure answered unhelpfully. “Are you going to eat that, Naegi-chi?”

Makoto pushed his tray towards Hagakure who accepted it wordlessly.

“I think Ishimaru-kun might be reciprocating your feelingssssssssss, Naegi-kun,” Maizono explained. “It would explain his recent behavior.”

“H-huh…? You think?” Makoto asked.

“It’s obvious,” Ikusaba said. “Even Hagakure gets it.”

“Mhm!” Hagakure agreed, muffled by food.

“Don’t worry too much, Naegi-kun,” Maizono said. “It’sssssssssss going to work out perfectly!”

chiaki nanami:

nanami: heard from one of my classmates that you have some good news incoming

nanami: ….probably

nanami: it’s probably pointless to wish you good luck, naegi, but i told you it’d be fine.

nanami: ...maybe

“Naegi-kun!” Ishimaru yelled at the end of the school day, startling Makoto.

“Ishimaru-kun…?” Makoto asked, trying to ignore what his friends had told him during lunch. “What’s up?”

“I have something to tell you, Naegi-kun!” Ishimaru said, continuing to yell.

“I don’t think you have to be so loud, Ishimaru-kun…” Makoto said. “Unless you want to tell everyone in the school…”

“I know these feelings are not exactly wholesome but I can no longer deny my attraction to you, Naegi Makoto-kun!”

“Huh…?!” Makoto said, feeling his face redden rapidly.

“I understand that you may not reciprocate these feelings….!” Ishimaru said, trailing off as Makoto stared blankly at Ishimaru.

Before Ishimaru could say anymore Makoto closed the gap between the two of them connecting their lips.

“Ishimaru-san, I think I might like you too.”

naegi phan klub:

Soldier Girl: Looks like they finally got together.

Snake Songstress: Finally! I’m happy for them!

speak to the dead: ...maybe we should add him to the group chat now?

Snake Songstress: No…! Think about how embarrassed he’ll be.

Soldier Girl: Adding him now.

Naegi Makoto was added to the group chat

[dailypositivequotes]

tw: toxic friends, abusive friends

So I don’t know what is going on...but I have had three people from my past try to reconnect and its a hard pass.

One was an ex from high school. It was one of those classic cases of I cared about them more than they did for me and they didn’t ever put me as a priority. Ultimately they realized that and how it wasn’t fair to me and broke up with me. They had messaged me out of the blue to apologize to me about high school. There was a lot of personal stuff in the message about the downward spiral in their life, that honestly it sounded to me like they were in a program and making amends. I told them I appreciated the apology. 

One was incredibly abusive toward me my entire high school career and part of my college life too until I decided enough was enough and cut her out of my life. There were times when she physically hurt me. There was times emotionally, verbally she hurt me. But the biggest hurt is the fact she tried CONSTANTLY to convince people I was an awful person. She once sent death threats to people and then tried to convince those people it was me. They didn’t believe her, and then a year later she admitted it was her who sent them to people because she didn’t want them to stay friends with me. They were still friends with her after that and I cut those people out of my life. I’ve  cut so many people out of my life because of her. There were people I trusted and care about and adored. And they consistently chose her or would tell me “Yeah that toxic. That’s AWFUL all those things she did” and then either keep hanging out with her, tell me their friendship with her didn’t involve their friendship with me, or go out with her and imply I was crazy to be upset. It messed me up mentally for a long time to realize a ton of people I trusted when I was a teenager, consistently chose an abuser over me and it made me feel so unloved because there must have been something wrong with me for them to never help me or take my side or do anything really to actually show they cared about me. 

ANYWAYS that person, the abusive woman who I once thought was a friend but during our entire “friendship” tried to repeatedly destroy my life, added me on facebook. I’ve blocked her before but every couple of years she deletes her account and makes a new one. Anyone who ever adds her new accounts, get deleted from my friends list if I notice, because I do NOT want to associate with her at all and anyone who is my friend today DOES and SHOULD know what she did and the pain I feel associated with her. It was shocking to see her there and freaked me out. I immediately rejected it and had her blocked. Like no, why the hell would you think I would ever want you in my life again? You do not get to waltz into my inbox when you have never attempted to apologize to me about the terrible things you did that have left figurative and literal scars on me. I mean I wouldn’t forgive it anyways, but just pretending that nothing happened is fucked up. 

The last person was someone who I considered a really close friend who decided even though they personally witnessed the terrible things she did to me and claimed to care about me because I was “his best friend” he wanted to date her. And then he told me she let him know we had it all wrong because I was actually the toxic person in HER life. We were no longer friends and havent spoken in years. They’ve apparently broken up because he sent me a text message about how it has been a while, he was tricked but he sees the light now and he never loses. And no one is allowed to hurt him. But then followed up with “But that’s not toward you” WTF?

Just what the fuck is going on. Having these messages happen within the same week has definitely freaked me out and has not put me in a good place mentally. I have worked really hard to move on with my life and process the unnecessary pain I went through during that vulnerable stage in my life and now people of these messages I’m obsessively thinking about those terrible things and it resurfaced some of those unloved feelings. And it tears me up inside because WHY should I let someone from when I was 13-20 continue to ruin my life at nearly 27? I AM loved. I have friends who actually care about me now. I have people in my life who would never hurt me. I have my spouse and we bought a house and everything else. I don’t know why it affects me still so much. It shouldn’t. And its not fair that it does. 

There’s no positivity to this post. There’s no point to it. I’m just venting about the continued selfishness of people I once called friends. And hopefully by venting, I can just process and move on from these feelings I am feeling right now.

[brushes-of-sage]

Alchemy. It was the only thing that was uniting the princes of Arendelle. While a door had separated the two brothers for the past five years, Hugo found a way to still stay connected to his brother. It all started three years ago, when Hugo realized he was running out of things to do. Oh sure, there were plenty of things in the castle, but that number reduces *significantly* when you realize there’s no one to do these things with you. So, Hugo decided to take up alchemy again. (1/?)

Alright lemme try to see if the keep reading works:

He had stopped working with alchemy when Varian had disappeared behind that cursed door, since alchemy was just another painful reminder of the brother he felt he lost. It was one of the brothers' favorite things to do, along with… along with... well, Hugo couldn’t really remember. The more he tried thinking about things he did with his brother that wasn’t alchemy, he got nothing, just laughter and a small headache. But, the number of things to occupy his time were getting thin.

So, he decided to give alchemy a try. This turned out to be a great decision. Not only did it serve as a distraction, but it served as something to keep his mind going. This distraction worked well for a few weeks until he hit a roadblock. He was trying to perfect an alchemical ice bomb that he had started when he was younger, but could never finish. But nothing seemed to be working. After staring at his disaster of a note pile for the better part of an hour, a little voice in his head said,

“You could go to Varian for help”

“No,” he snapped back, “If Varian wanted to help me or be there for me, he would leave his room. Clearly he doesn’t want to talk to me, or anyone for that matter.” Hugo didn’t want to admit it, but he was starting to get a bit mad at Varian. They were the best of brothers for years, and then just one day, Varian just shuts himself in his room, without a single word as to why. He laid his head on his desk and sighed. “Ah, who am I kidding? I’m going crazy just sitting here, I need to talk to someone, even if its nothing more than alchemy notes.”He gets up, grabs his notes, and starts to make his way to a door he passed by and stared at a million times before. On the way though, his mind is going through a back and forth battle: He wont wanna talk to you! Yes, he does, we havent spoken in forever! I wonder why? Besides its just some alchemy help, I’m not asking anything too extreme! All he has to do is fix a couple equations! What if he tears it up and ignores it, just like he has you these past few years? After this comment, Hugo ended up backtracking back to his room. He’d go tomorrow. Right?

Wrong. It took him three weeks before he found himself staring at the door that plagued his existence for two years now. He raised his hand to knock, and before he could back out, knocked twice and slid the notes through the crack under the door. He started anxiously pacing, his mind going back to the constant battle in his mind that had been raging for the past 3 weeks. After a couple minutes of pacing, Hugo was just about to leave when he heard 2 knocks, and paper slide back under the crack. Instantly, the flurry of anxious thoughts started up again, worrying it would come back blank or with a note saying Varian wouldn't help him. His hands shook as he opened the notes to reveal.. the completed solution. He read the solution 2 3 4 times before a huge smile spread across his face and he laughed a huge genuine laugh he hadn’t used in two years. These notes meant 2 big things: One, he finally had a solution to an alchemy problem he’d had since he was nine. And two, the more important one in Hugo’s opinion, is that his brother doesn’t hate him. That scary thought had crossed his mind multiple times and he had always quickly shot it down, but there was always that one tiny voice who would always say, “But, does he though?” Now, that voice was as good as dead. Varian didn’t hate him. He wasn’t giving him the *total* silent treatment. Maybe he could work up from here, have conversations through the door, send notes, maybe even ask why he was doing any of this in the first place.Just as he’s about to leave for his lab to finish the ice bombs with the now completed formula, Hugo heard two knocks on the door and stopped. He wasn’t expecting anything else. He looked at the bottom of the door and saw a small stack of papers slide under and he picked them up. It was a stack of alchemy notes titled “Melting Bomb” The notes were full of blank spaces and question marks and there was a note attached that said:

Hugo-Please assist me in completing this formula for a melting alchemy bomb. I have been on and off of this project for the past few years, and some assistance would be much appreciated. Thank you.-Varian

As excited as Hugo was that his brother was reaching out to him, and actively looking for his help, he couldn’t help but feel a bit…disappointed at the formality of the note. As if Hugo were some stranger that Varian had just met and had to put up formalities and not his own brother. Nevertheless, he shouts a quick “Be right back!” and dashes off to his room to grab a quill and inkwell. While he runs, he reads over the notes and finds the answer fairly quickly. It wasn’t all that hard, it just was in desperate need of a fresh set of eyes. He scribbled down the answers as quick as possible, not wanting to keep Varian waiting. He runs back to Varians room, knocks 2 times and slips the notes under the door. After a couple of minutes, he hears a soft gasp, the quick scratching of a quill, and a new note being shoved under the door. Hugo picked up the note and stared at the messy handwriting and smiled. This was the big brother he remembered. Thanks for the help! Now go work on your project! This went on for the next few months with notes. Sometimes it wasn't just alchemy they talked about. It started simple, like “How’s your day going” and things like that.

Then it slowly evolved to things like “Get some rest Haristripe” and “You haven’t eaten yet today have you, Hugo?” (Both weren’t exactly the best at self care, especially when they were caught up in their work). The day Hugo finally heard Varian talk was one of the best days of his life. Obviously, he had heard his brother talk before, but it had been years since they had spoken, and as the time passed, Hugo’s memories of Varian’s voice faded. Plus, with the time passing, he knew his voice would have changed. So, when Varian finally said a soft “Thank you”, Hugo’s face lit up with a huge smile. He didn’t talk much, but when he did, Hugo treasured every word he said, committing them to memory. For a while, things were going great. Until one fateful day, when Hugo pushed his luck just a *bit* more than he probably should have. The day started out normal enough, Hugo worked on some experiments he didn’t finish last night, ate some lunch, and then after lunch he grabbed his notes that needed Varian’s help, and started making his way to his room. However, on the way, he realized that as happy as he was to be able to talk to Varian, it didn’t feel *right*. A relationship based solely on notes slipped under a door and minimal verbal talking felt like a false one. What Hugo wanted to know more than anything, was *why*. Why had Varian shut him and the rest of the world out? If it was so necessary, why hadn’t he at least attempted some form of contact? This one word question had plagued Hugo’s mind ever since the door had closed, and he had never really had the confidence to ask it: until now.

So, he went back to his room and wrote out a letter. It was simple, a little more formal than usual, but to the point. It read: Varian- We’ve been talking with each other for a while now, and I feel we are at a point where I can ask this question: Why? Why have you locked yourself in your room and away from the rest of the world? Was it something I did? You can answer as vaguely or specifically as you like, I just would really like some answers. Thanks, Hugo

His hands shook as he folded the letter and slid it under the door. He knew to give Varian a little extra time, this wasn’t just a simple math problem. So Hugo waited. And waited. And waited, until it was dinner time and his stomach forced him to get some food. The whole time, his mind was at war with itself once again: See? You just had to push your luck, didn’t you? He’s giving you the cold shoulder ‘cause you couldn’t leave well enough well enough. No! He’s not giving me the cold shoulder, he’s just taking his time to formulate a response. It’s probably a really long story. Keep telling yourself that. I will! ‘Cause it’s true! If the positive side of Hugo was right, Varian sure was taking his sweet old time, because it was 3 weeks before anything happened. Three weeks of absolute silence from the older prince. The only reason things changed was because Hugo took the brave first step of sliding alchemy notes through the door. Five minutes later, it came back with notes and edits. There were no additional quips, remarks, or any explanations like he had requested three weeks earlier, but this was better than silence. They soon fell back into the routine they had before: notes, minimal verbal communication, and various quips. It felt good to get back to that routine, but a small part of Hugo still ached for answers that he feared would never come. But he never acted on this, fearing that Varian would once again give him the cold shoulder, and this time would ignore him for good.(20/20)

((And there it is! The final part! I hope u enjoyed reading it, this is the first time ive really written something i didnt hate *and* am sharing this with someone. Thank you for taking the time to read this, this means more than u know. Thank you also for letting me take over ur inbox😅Next up im doing this story but w/ varians pov, which ive already started. Thx again! -💙

Ahhhhhh, first off, sorry for getting to this later than I usually do!! These past few weeks have been hectic and I’ve been needing to take a step back and focus more on school and classes and stuff, but I finally got to reading this and OMIGOSH I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!!

(Hope you don’t mind if I just added in some italics and kinda changed the formatting to make it easier to read - didn’t take anything off or anything, but the way tumblr formats asks is a bit weird lol, hope that doesn’t offend you! - also number 7 somehow went missing? 😅)

But OMIGOSH YO - just my heart akfjajdjaj 🥺 The two of them building their relationship slowly through passing letters underneath the door? Oh my heart, and the way you can just feel them getting closer and happier because of it?

But then Hugo asking Varian the why - why did he shut him out, why was he behind the door, why can’t they see each other - and then Varian just suddenly going back to that stiff and formal demeanor after that akfjakfjja I cry ahhhhhhh-

“But he never acted on this, fearing that Varian would once again give him the cold shoulder, and this time would ignore him for good.” - JUST RIP MY HEART OUT BLUE NONNIE AHDKGKAKJD

I absolutely loved seeing Hugo’s hesitance then excitement and eagerness to get closer to his brother whom he barely even knows besides a few memories (and ha, I see the headache there 👀) and only to see that he went too far and the fragile bond they’d forged again had melted and akfjakfjaj the FEELS-

Thank you for sharing and for letting me read your writing! I’m excited to see what you’ve got next for Varian’s POV!!! 😱

[dirt-cup-draco]

Bucky x Reader- Barriers (2/2)

It had been a week since Bucky had left you all alone on the rooftop. You’d gone to bed alone that night and shivered until sleep took you. You thought maybe time would help and the next morning things would be okay again but every time you tried to talk to your boyfriend he was too busy or nowhere to be found. Every text went unanswered. Are we even together anymore? You wanted to ask. Because in all honesty, you had no idea. With no word from him after he had completely shut you out made it seem like he was through with you. And you weren’t ready for that possibility yet. 

You were curled up on the couch sniffling and looking at a picture of you and Buck. You had gone to coney island on a date and you’d convinced him into taking a picture with you as you reached the top of the Ferris wheel. Your lips were pressed firmly to his cheek and he was beaming into the lens. His arm was wrapped securely around you and you could remember how safe you’d felt. Wasn’t he happy with you? Had you done something to drive him away or were you just not enough? 

Your sniffles had turned into full on sobbing and you were glad that the living room was empty and dark. It was two in the morning and most sensible people were asleep. You hoped Bucky was getting some sleep. You let yourself stew in your heartbreak as you gripped the picture in your shaking hands. You loved him, so so much and you wanted to take away all of his pain. You wanted to give him peace. But he didn’t want that. Or did he just not want it from you?

The doubts crept in deep and sunk their claws into you. It was your fault he hadn’t spoken to you all week. It was your fault he was unhappy. It was your fault your relationship was falling apart. Lost in thought, you hadn’t noticed anyone come and you jumped sky high when a hand was set on top of your shoulder. You shouted and spun around, nearly falling off the couch until that same hand gripped your arm tightly to keep you in place. “Y/N, it’s just me, can we talk?” Your heart dropped. It was only Steve. 

“Um, yeah sure,” You sighed, wiping furiously at your eyes as he came around to sit beside you. His eyes took in his surroundings automatically and he took in your pathetic appearance. Swollen, red eyes and a runny nose. Pale skin and tear stained cheeks. Tussled hair and shaking hands. You were beating yourself up pretty hard it seemed. 

“Please be patient with him, he’s trying, really he is,” Steve spoke first and you frowned. 

“I know he is... Did he say something to you?” You questioned back. You thought you’d been patient, thought you’d been doing your best to give him space and time while showing that you were there for him even when things got tough, even when he was scared he didn’t deserve to have someone there for him. 

“No but I can just tell you guys had a little fall out, he’s been a sour bastard for a week straight,” The man chuckled but you couldn’t find any humor in it. 

“Well maybe things would be better if he would stop ignoring me...” You said bitterly, tears springing up again. You tossed your phone in Steve’s lap. “He hasn’t texted me back, any time I go to the gym he leaves, if I’m in the kitchen he makes sure he isn’t. I-I don’t even know if we are together anymore. i haven’t seen him since he left the party. I don’t know what the hell is going on,” 

Admitting it out loud hurt more than you thought and you were reduced back to a sobbing mess. Bucky meant the world to you but how was this supposed to work if he couldn’t even be around you? 

Steve wraps a reassuring arm around you but you just wish that it was Bucky sitting with you. Steve was a good friend, to the both of you and you appreciated it but he really wasn’t helping right now. “I think I’m going to go back to my room... Excuse me,” You said before Steve could interject. You walked around his legs and were on your way back to your room when Steve told you to wait. 

“What if I can get you and Buck to talk?” 

You laughed humorlessly and shrugged. “I doubt he wants to but if you can make it happen Stevie, I’d beg you to teach me how. Goodnight,” You dismissed him with little hope. It was sweet what he was trying to do but you were lonely and sad and unsure and so nothing sounded like it would solve anything. You knew you were being stubborn and probably rude but you weren’t in the mood for it at the moment. It was late- or early- and you just wanted to be grumpy a while longer. 

Three hours later the sun was working it’s way up into the sky and you hadn’t slept one bit. You stumbled out of your room and made a pot of coffee that you planned on drinking all by your lonesome. You weren’t prepared however for your super soldier maybe still boyfriend to be sitting expectantly at the kitchen table, arms crossed. He’d look intimidating if he wasn’t wearing his flannel pajama set you’d gotten him a couple weeks ago. But maybe that was a good sign. He hadn’t burned anything from you yet. 

“Buck,” You said, not sure what else was supposed to come out of your mouth after a long week of trying to understand what was happening. 

“Steve said you wanted to talk,” He mumbled. 

“Yeah well I doubt you needed Steve to tell you that... Unless you’ve stopped checking your phone,” You said with surprising venom. You poured yourself a cup of coffee and after thinking about it for a moment you poured Bucky one too. At least he had the decency to look a little ashamed. He swallowed the lump in his throat and studied you without any explanation. 

“Why?” You prodded. 

“Why what?” He had the gall to ask. 

“Why havent you said anything to me in a week? Why does it take Steve scolding you to get you to even be in the same room as me? Why don’t you trust me? Why can’t I be the person you go to when you need comfort and help? Why did you leave me on the roof when all I was trying to do was help?” You rambled, gripping your mug until your knuckles turned white. You were trying to hold it together but it was becoming increasingly hard. 

“Y/N, it’s not easy to talk about... I get that you want something from me but I can’t give it to you. I’m broken, completely fucked up. I can’t be what you need. This was a mistake,” He said, motioning between you two and you felt like you couldn’t breathe. Bucky looked defensive but you let out a distressed whimper and his stern look melted a little. 

“Y-you don’t mean that Buck, this isn’t a mistake, I love you, you l-love me,” You said. You felt pathetic. You were mad until you were scared he was leaving you. You really did love him. You couldn’t imagine your life without him in it. This week had been hell without him. 

His head hung low and he sipped slowly, relishing in the slight burn. He deserved it after all. “You’re better off without me... It doesn’t have anything to do with love, it’s just a fact. You are better off if I end things...” 

“You can’t decide what is good for me and what isnt! I can choose that for myself. Why can’t you see that you are good for me? Why can’t you see I am so much happier when you are with me?” You needed him to realize how much he meant to you, how you would do anything to make him happy. 

“But Y/N-” He started but you pointed your finger in his face. 

“No Bucky, listen to me, please. I love you and I want you in my life. I know that you have been through so much shit in your life that everything is clouded by it. I know that I can’t expect you to just vent to me once and be fine. I know that it isn’t going to all happen at once and that you need time. But you can’t keep shutting people out. I’m not going anywhere. I just want to be there for you so the nights aren’t so hard and the voices tearing you down aren’t so loud, I just want to love you, but we can’t keep going on like this,” You sighed and held your head in your hands. 

“S-so I guess you’re right. Maybe... maybe it would be better if we didn’t see each other anymore. But that’s only if you can’t look me in the eye right now and tell me that next time something happens you won’t run away from me.” You gave him an ultimatum no matter how much it hurt you to say it. “I don’t want this to be the end Bucky, but I need you to let me in.” 

Bucky was still as stone. You reached out and took his hand in yours, brushing your thumb over the top of his knuckles. You stared ahead and he finally turned to look you in the eyes. You tried to convey in one look that you really did love him, you wanted things to go well for you two, you wanted him. Above everything else, you wanted him to know that you would take him faults and all.

“Doll... I love you too. I don’t want this to be over either, god knows youre the best thing that has ever happened to me. Which is why this can’t happen. I’ll taint you,” He spoke so seriously it took away any jest you might have had. “Everything good in my life goes horribly wrong and I couldn’t handle it if anything ever happened to you- whether it’s by my hand or someone else’s.” 

“James Buchanan Barnes,” You began, “You would never hurt me. Never, you hear me? You are so good to me. You are my safe place and my world. You’re my heart and I can’t live without you. And I know with certainty that if there ever was a threat to me that you would be right by my side keeping me safe. I trust you” You emphasized with a squeeze to his hand. At least he didn’t pull away. 

This seemed to break through something in his mind and his own hand was squeezing back gently. “O-okay, I’ll try,” He said no, a determined look that was mixed with fear. Even now he was afraid to let himself be happy. 

“That’s all I can ask,” You said, finally allowing a smile to creep onto your features. 

“Now please, can we go cuddle and maybe cry and then kiss a lot?” You said, laughter working it’s way through your words. “I have missed you so much,” you explained. 

“Anything you want, doll,” Bucky said standing and dragging you up with him. He brushed a hesitant kiss onto your nose. “I’m sorry,”  

Wrapping your arms around his waist you let out a deep breath. “It’s okay now Buck, things are going to be better from now on,” You promised. “Just please don’t push me away again...” 

He nodded and let his cheek rest against the top of your head. Things would be better. He’d do all he could to make sure nothing like this ever happened again. Bucky was scared that if he opened up you would leave him and hate him but he was more scared of saying nothing and you leaving anyways. He supposed that this had to go both ways. He needed to confide in you as you did in him. 

Bucky Barnes would try his damnedest to let down some of his barriers if it meant keeping you in his life. “Never again, I promise,” He said, leading you to your room. Things would be okay, he just had to trust in you. In the both of you. 

You were breathing easier and Bucky let himself hope for the first time in a long time.