#i have no idea what actual hour count was tbf

[arolesbianism]

I've been passively watching an isat playthrough while twiddling my thumbs in my current oni save as I wait for my new power systems to be done and hey guys. I think one of these bitches is aromantic. Why did no one tell me one of these bitches is aromantic I would have played the game myself if I knew that

[eldritch-spouse]

Pinnie - or, if you're truly fine with it, Mommy cause you radiate that energy tbf - does Zizz like getting spanked?? Cause one thing that sounds really fantastic is tying a big monster boy up, head down ass up and spanking him until he's begging me to fuck him stupid X)

[I thought it'd be a little obvious I enjoy that title. FUCK YES THOUGH, I love the sound of that for Zizz. Fem reader.]

TW: Spanking (reader has to use a flogger this man is huge).

Being the wife of an Icon of Hell isn't always as bleak as you thought it'd be.

Sure, you didn't come into this willingly, and the first months you spent with Zizz certainly can't be called a walk in the park by any stretch of the imagination, but you count your lucky stars that it wasn't worse. That your initial expectations weren't met.

That he doesn't hurt you. That the demonlord actually made, and continues to make, efforts to turn this into an acceptable arrangement for you. You're not excusing any of his actions, but you've allowed yourself to feel glad for the way things have turned out, with a more or less loving dynamic established. You're not sure you'll ever match his frankly intimidating intensity, but... You're fond of Zizz.

And he's been happy with that so far, which means you've been steadily introduced to a lot of Zizz's duties as King of Sloth. It's actually quite surprising, the amount of work he gets done during the brief episodes wherein he's fully awake. Zizz is a bright demon, in spite of initial appearances. He's organized Sloth in a way where his trusted servants can pick up work perfectly when he inevitably falls onto a dead sleep at his desk. He's got alarms set up for very specific hours and manages to schedule things in a way where, almost magically, Sloth still functions. It's impressive.

He says having you around has been very helpful as well, since you apparently prove to be a very effective source of motivation for the demonlord to remain awake and complete tasks, so he can spend more time with you. You recall the way he purrs whenever you bring him a cup of coffee. Not that it does anything to him physically, you're sure it must be nothing more than a placebo effect paired with joy that you bother to do such for him in the first place.

Nonetheless, one of the facets of Zizz's professional life you've been involved in occasionally are the so-fabled "Icon meetings". It's... Well, they're shitshows more often than not, you kind of understand why Zizz dozes off early on. Usually, there's bickering going on, and it hardly ever involves the Sloth lord himself, so being awake is a waste of time as far as he's concerned. Clever thinking. Though it does make you feel slightly unsafe that he's willingly going unconscious while you're surrounded by other huge demons, who sometimes give you strange looks.

You're sure the gigantic snake woman is going to eat you one of these days, Livius is constantly glaring at you two, Cero has a disgusted look on his face whenever you meet his eyes and Rinx glances over everytime some gold trinket in your outfit jingles. You won't even get started on the Wrath lord's dreadful volume. Vesper is apparently one of the friendlier ones, it seems. He still gives you and Zizz lecherous glances, having blatantly propositioned the demonlord to let him sleep with you two at several points. While it scandalized you at first, you soon realized it was just in his nature to behave that way. Still, when he's not actively trying to get you horny, he's not bad company, and you've had quite a few pleasant conversations so far.

One such is what planted an idea in your mind.

If you recall correctly, it was at a meeting a couple of days ago, nothing too eventful was taking place, the Pride lord and the Greed lord were arguing heatedly about the state of cross-ring resource importation and some manner of "unreasonable inflation", it didn't matter. Vesper was sitting next to Zizz, who was predictably in a dead sleep in spite of the commotion. He had you trapped in his arms, which were crossed over his chest. You had been about ready to take a nap yourself when someone tapped your shoulder.

" Don't snooze just yet, darling, I'm terribly bored. " It was the Lust King, of course, flicking his lashes and pouting.

" Mmn, whaddya want? "

Vesper snickers. " Oh, humor me just this once? "

" 'M not going to have sex with you. " A muscle memory response by then.

" Yes, a shame. " He paused. " But, I actually want to know about your sex life with Zizz. "

You had popped an eye open there, not exactly amused.

" See, I spoke with Zizz when he was still single, and I know for a fact he's into a number of things... " Those sharpened teeth took on a perverted, pleased grin. " Have you two been exploring that? "

Had you? It was odd, aside from somnophilia and lazy sex, maybe a couple of slightly risky escapades, things hadn't really gotten spiced up. But then, you had only recently began getting sexually comfortable with Zizz, maybe he didn't want to jeopardize everything by introducing something hard into the bedroom. Vesper took that silence as an answer by itself, tutting softly.

" W- Why do you care?! " Why wouldn't he care? He's a huge whore, it's what he does.

" I just hate seeing potential go to waste, dear. " The Icon then murmured. " I can give you some hints, hm? "

The suggestion had given you pause. Indulging in Zizz's kinks... In your captor turned oddly-lovable demon's kinks. What had your life come to... But then, it'd be a lie to say you disliked the idea. The morality of it is frivolous, you're here now. There's no way out, you thought maybe you should lean into what amount of happiness you could reap from this situation. And maybe, just maybe, getting Zizz hot and bothered made you happy.

" U- Uhm. Okay... "

Vesper perked up, head tendril curling. " Perfect! I'll send you a little something something. You're a smart girl, you'll get the idea. " And he winked, letting the conversation die there.

A day later, one of the head imp servants approached you specifically with a delivery from Lust. A mysterious black box with a stupidly fancy bow on top. You opened it in your shared bedroom, coming face to face with a long silicone... Flogger? Paddle? One end featuring a pretty pastel pink heart shape while the other had feathers of the same hue. It clicked then. Spanking. Zizz was into spanking. How innocuous, you expected something a little more menacing. Included in the box was also a pair of handcuffs. The symbols on its sleek padded purple design made it obvious that it was enchanted with something. Though it was the size of the item that gave you pause. It was far too big for a human. For you. These cuffs were made for demons the size of Zizz.

Meaning you will not be the one getting spanked. The Icon of Sloth is.

That alone had taken you by surprise, though a knowing smirk quickly crawled up your cheeks while you pondered. It made sense. Zizz is a lazy demon, for sure. Sex with him usually has you doing most of the work, though he has proved to be an efficient pleaser when challenged before. Point being, Zizz's lack of energy makes him come off as submissive... It was no wonder that he'd enjoy taking the role of a spankee.

You liked that idea. A whole lot actually. A plan began formulating in your mind...

Which leads you to today!

Tonight actually.

You can't sleep. How could you?! You're going to spank your big goof of a boyfriend. King, actually. You're going to spank a King. Oh ho ho, if this isn't some power trip.

The room is dark, aptly dark for someone as light-sensitive as your partner, only some dim LED lights scattered around. You're once more trapped between a mountain of plushies and the demon's annoyingly tight grip as he lays on his side, chin plopped on top of your head. Zizz has recently taken to sleeping without his veil, perhaps because he trusts you not to peel the curtains open in the morning and blind him. Eitherway, that leaves the big lad in nothing but plain black underwear, overly hot body glued to yours. It's unpleasant to always wake up vaguely sweaty, but you've resigned yourself to it by now, it's part of this new life.

Alright. Step one is wiggling out of your prison.

Kicking and shoving stuffed animals aside sounds easy, and it really is, unless you're drowning in them, in which case you might as well be doing jack shit. Because everytime you push a shape out of the way, another fluffy thing will take its place, like quicksand. Eventually, with enough effort, you manage to create some vacant space in the bed. Good. Now comes the hard part.

Getting Zizz to let go of you.

You've been practicing. After all, he's done this since day one, and many were the times where you woke up in the middle of the night on emergency mode with a full bladder. Calling his name is fruitless, the demon will grunt or mumble at most, maybe whine. Taps and straight up slaps to his bare skin won't do anything either, he just shakes like jelly and snores. You've learned, through experience, that gentle attention is usually what gets Zizz to move.

Squirming to at least face the huge demon, you look up and frame his dark face. Soft, so weirdly soft. This part of him is as odd as it gets. He's like... A matchstick, featuring this charred-black head bleeding darkness into his neck. You'd figure such a part of him would be rough, but it's almost like a cloud. Grabbing those smooth cheeks, you place gentle kisses all over his face and exposed teeth, making sure to nuzzle your nose on him. Zizz faintly starts purring and readjusts his neck to be closer to you, but his arms remain firmly locked around your torso and waist, not even twitching. Tsk.

With a huff, you resort to more insistent tricks, tickling at his neck and trying to do the same to the parts of his tummy you can reach. That gets him to groan something nonsensical out, limbs jerking and tail swatting at the sheets. Yet still not enough. Fine then. Far from deterred, not only do you hasten the pace of your digits, you blow air onto his face periodically.

Finally, that appears to bother Zizz enough to slacken his hold, one arm raising to rub his features.

Knowing a golden opportunity when you see one, it's a matter wiggling insistently and tapping at his loose arm to finally, finally- Break free! Victory. Aha!

The demonlord very clearly notices the lack of heat and pressure on him, growing distressed ad grumbling amidst a deep slumber. It's almost cute, the way his tail thrashes in indignation.

That's step one. Step 2 is breaking out the nice stuff, conveniently hidden inside the closet you share with your King. It's not like he looks at it anyway, his servants basically do everything for him. And you. But it's okay to be a little pampered, right? The contents of the box are removed and tossed onto the bed after you clear it of excess pillows and plushies.

Step 3, the most difficult of them all. Rolling this fucker onto his stomach.

But how?

Hm...

Impact. You need to throw yourself. Though it could backfire and make him fall on you. Here goes nothing! With some momentum, you roll onto the bed and slam against a hard grayish body, mostly not achieving much beyond stunting yourself. But hey, you did wake him up slightly.

" Mmmr, whas' dat? "

Zizz rumbles out, a deep, slurred sleepy tone that always makes you shiver. " Hey... Roll onto your stomach? " Worth a try.

He sighs, and after a couple of seconds, basically flops onto his front like dead weight. Hah! You're not sure how awake the demonlord is right now, but it won't stop you.

" Zizz? " You try after getting back up, receiving no response from the static monster. Yep, he's out again. Truly remarkable.

No time to waste! Grabbing the cuffs, and securing the key somewhere of course, you drag his hands together, looping the toy around one of the top columns of this ridiculously large bed. The cuffs glow a slightly pink hue once locked. He didn't twitch a muscle through this... Sometimes you worry for Zizz's safety.

There! Now, onto the good part.

Having the large demon rolled over, you giggle to yourself in pure satisfaction and eye his plain boxers. It's funny, you have more than confirmed he doesn't use underwear with his typical garbs, but he puts it on to sleep. How odd. Climbing behind the large monster, you take a moment to appreciate his behind. Zizz is huge, and what's more, he's also on the curvier side, you're sure he's the softest demon out there. By virtue of the former, he also has a pretty fat ass, if you do say so yourself.

A cute, round, perfect ass.

Lips curled up, you drag bare palms up the Icon's legs, making sure to cup the fat of his heavy thighs before resting them on those fine globes. For someone who likes to call you "pillow" so much, you sure as Hell just found a perfect headrest right here. Your attention is caught by a periodically swaying tail, that pretty thin thing with a tip very similar to his horns. It looks like a half-moon. Your arm extends, grabbing the length of it much like a cat after a thread of yarn. It bats aimlessly in your grasp, until you peel it out of that special band in his boxers.

You're no angel, you're purposely giving yourself a titillating show when you grasp the hem of his underwear, dragging the fabric down slowly and biting your lip the moment it rests on his thighs. Perfect ass indeed. You could just bite him.

Instead, you pick up the long flogger Vesper generously gifted to you, choosing the feathered end to start your torture. Sitting cross-legged between the massive demon's legs, you start feathering at his limbs.

" Ziiizz... "

Nothing, predictably. The ministrations move higher, zigzagging playfully, resting over the crux between those thighs. " Zizzy. " No response.

Your notions become insistent, tickling at the expanse of skin between pucker and slit, occasionally rising to tease the root of his tail before dipping back down. Laughter rings out when the demonlord does move, shifting his ass and twitching his legs. The most you get out of him is another caveman grunt.

Tut tut.

Alright. No more playing around then.

Readjusting the toy, you quickly swat it against the meat of his left cheek.

Finally, the Sloth King jolts, making a much more sober sound. You can hear the rustling of those fancy cuffs against the bed post while Zizz gradually processes the situation.

" Mmn did... Did you just hit me? " He slurs, bright white eyes staring back at you from the relative darkness.

" Me? " You start innocently. " With these little hands? " As if to emphasize the point, you splay said feelers against his rump, groping to your heart's content, drumming on his rump a bit. He shudders when you lean in to plant a kiss on the spot you just swatted. " You wouldn't even feel it, right? "

Before the demon can answer, you grasp the cute flogger again and swipe it across his right cheek. Zizz instantly shudders, muscles tensing. Hm, Vesper wasn't kidding, this does work. Good.

" M-Marshmallow? What is that? " His tone is breathy, that doesn't sound like a complaint to you.

" Don't worry about it too much. " And just because you like seeing his buffer jiggle, you lash it again, a little lower, a more tender spot if your research is correct.

Zizz chuffs something incomprehensible. The sleepiness apparently leaving him steadily at this turn of events. " Am... 'M I being punished? " He murmurs, legs spreading ever so slightly.

You take the time to think about it while you remove his underwear fully. Are you punishing your King? You could, by all means, you're still essentially a captive, even if you've decided to make the most out of it. Why not spin this in a different direction?

" I don't know Zizz, do you want to be punished? " The question hangs thick in the air while you play with the rubber tip of the toy, waiting.

His brain might not be fully back online, because the demonlord makes a confused sort of "Hhrn?" noise. The next swat has some heft behind it, actually making him arch!

" Words. "

" No... " He finally squeezes out.

You laugh. Yeah right, like he hasn't been pushing his ass up this entire time. You're willing to bet his slit is already wet. " Then what do you want? "

Zizz makes a drawn-out purr, trying to look back at you from his awkward position while his tail dances. " Mm, I want you to suck me off- "

CRACK

" Selfish! Mutt! " Each word punctuated with much harder swats. " Unbelievable... " Zizz pants now, actually pants. " Get on your knees. "

When he takes too long to obey, he's rewarded with yet another lash smack dab on the same side. " We don't have all day! "

" Owww f-fuck- " Doing as told, a clear string of viscous precum connects his slit to the silken sheets beneath him, making you just about steam alive. " You're so mean. "

Rolling your eyes yet smiling wide, you point the feathered side to his dripping entrance and tease it thoroughly, laughing when Zizz squirms in frustration, never getting decent stimulation no matter which way he leans. It only succeeds in making him wetter. " And you're hopeless, my lord. " Switching ends, you allow him direct contact with the pink silicone heart, something the horny monster greedily accepts, rocking against it like an animal, trying to hump the thing.

It's a lecherous show, a sight that just about has you salivating, your pussy seeming to jolt awake as you consider getting beneath the cuffed demon and letting him rut at you. No, not so fast, not this time. The more he huffs and rolls his hips, the less mental fortitude you retain, so you cut the scene short by harshly and suddenly slapping the tip against his slit. A bit cruel, admittedly.

Zizz jerks forward, a loud pained whimper followed by horny little gasps as he buries his whining face in pillows and instinctively bucks against nothing, tingles of pain and pleasure working their way through his body. In a matter of seconds, that gorgeous purple cock is slipping out to play, more than teased and ready. You lick your lips, considering doing just what he wanted for a sliver of a second.

Instead, you snicker and brush his length with the same fluffy feathers. Zizz actually tugs at the cuffs this time, head rising. " Please! "

" Already? " Your brows rise, but it's not much of a surprise at all. It's not hard to make the demonlord beg, he gives in easily, because it takes less effort. You suspect a part of him enjoys feeling powerless anyway. " Tsk, come on, at least try. "

Zizz groans. " Mmh please please please please- "

Figures. Slut.

Your response is to crack that flogger several times across both sides of his ass, hard enough that it does start leaving heart-shaped imprints. And... Aw, it's adorable! You just have to see more of those pretty deep blue hearts on his ass. So pretty...

In a lustful stupor, enamored by those lovely hearts, you keep lashing the thing on several spots, ignoring the way the demonlord howls and trembles, even going for his thighs. He's a big boy, and strong at that. He can deal with a bit of thigh flogging. By the time you've calmed down, breathing heavily, his lower half is peppered in cute little hearts, sore, some spots starting to bruise in even prettier colors. But most importantly, Zizz is sobbing.

You hadn't even heard him.

Whimpering and moaning softly like some sort of overwhelmed animal. You wonder if maybe you've gone too far until you see his cock throbbing repeatedly. Then again, if he really wanted to stop this, he could have by now, you don't believe the cuffs would be an issue given what you've seen Zizz do before.

" Do you think you can come just from this? I think you can. " You half-mock.

The King of Sloth makes a pathetic little noise betraying some great exasperation. " No! No no nn- Please- Please, I'll take anything jus' make me come please- " You wonder what it says about yourself that his sobbing voice makes you heat up like a furnace, shuddering.

The next thing that connects to Zizz's ass is neither the paddle nor the feathers, but your small human hands. He twitches regardless, more than sensitive enough to wince from something as simple as a gust of wind. " Alright, but only because you took it all like a champ. "

Gentle lips peck and smooch around the places you thoroughly abused, a spare hand snaking to his front so you can grab his weeping girth and treat him to generous strokes, not enough to let him orgasm yet. No, you want to take your sweet time, swiping your tongue from the bottom of his slit, all the way up and over his hole. The other moans out, audibly splintering something in the bed post so he can press harder against your flat tongue.

Your chuckle vibrates against his skin, and as fun as eating him out could be, your goal is that appendage thrashing and thumping around. A brilliantly devious idea has you catching the thing with your teeth, nipping at it at the same time your pumps increase in pressure.

Zizz somehow manages to melt more into the sheets, trembling like a leaf. " Hhrn- Don't stop don't stop donn- Ah! " And you don't. Offering the massive monster one last, thunderous clap to his ass the very moment he starts coming.

It's a spectacular show. He comes hard, whining out like a needy harlot, grinding deep into your hand, shooting thick ropes all across it and the bed. Enough in quantity to make you titer. Cooing and swooning, you make sure to milk everything out of Zizz, hearing him huff out in complete euphoria. You only stop when his trembling becomes pained hissing, quickly moving to remove those cuffs while he sags onto the mattress like an emptying balloon. Atop a small pool of his own seed, ew... It's funny, he didn't even pull that hard at the cuffs. Sure, the bed post is visibly damaged, but he behaved fairly well, all things considered!

This was a great test run.

It's not too long before you hop into bed, on top of Zizz's spent body and blowing raspberries on his back. The Icon chuckles tiredly.

" You should see your ass right now. " You smirk.

" You ruined it. " He laments, sighing.

Laughing, you give him a soft kiss and massage his sore wrists. " You did very well, my King. Maybe you should tell me more about your tastes in the future, hm? "

Zizz snorts after a couple of puzzled seconds. " It was Vesper, wasn't it? "

" We're gonna thank him tomorrow. "

Although Zizz makes a disgruntled noise, you catch the very same tail you bit on wagging.

[mins-fins]

JUST A LITTLE BIT — ZHANG HAO

⊹ ˚. synopsis: note for next time, never let zhang hao drink too much.

⊹ ˚. pairing: zhang hao x m!reader

⊹ ˚. genre: fluff, crack

⊹ ˚. warnings: mentions of drinking, very much corny gay people, simply zb1 hyung line being idiots

⊹ ˚. word count: 1.1k

⊹ ˚. notes: I HAVE A HAO PC AND YOU DONT LOSER 🤣🫵!! just kidding pls dont unfollow me i need the clout 😞 anyway i DO NOT drink at all so if the depiction of drunk people in this is not how they actually are, sorry? i will never touch alcohol im sorry

⊹ ˚. this is for jj (@junjiie) because tbf i kinda owe it to him after pulling his bias (sorry bestie westie ily tho)

"what the fuck is zhang hao doing?"

zhang hao is not a heavy drinker, he doesn't enjoy drinking as much as his partner does, and he made that very clear when hanbin suggested celebratory drinks in the first place. he said, and i quote; "i'm not gonna drink that much, i don't even like alcohol that much".

look at where he's ended up now.

to be fair, y/n is surprised. usually, he's the one embarrassingly drunk and zhang hao's the one having to make sure he doesn't accidentally kill himself. he remembers that one story zhang hao told him where he almost drank bleach because he legitimately thought it was milk.

but today it seems like the rolls have reversed.

zhang hao is like.. super drunk, in an almost insane manner. for the past twenty minutes he's been doing and saying the absolute stupidest things, whether its loudly singing their debut song or abusing jiwoong.

to say the members are.. shocked is a large understatement. seeing zhang hao drink so much and act in such a not like him manner not only shocks them, but it also humors them too.

"oh, god i have never seen him this drunk before".

"your telling me, i'm his boyfriend, i never ever see him drunk".

zhang hao giggles and snorts, kicking jiwoong in the back of his leg as he falls over on the couch, dying from a random joke jiwoong told like half an hour ago, but his mind is too fuzzy for him to remember that.

the second eldest hums, stopping his giggles as he turns around and strolls y/n's way, stumbling as he makes his way to his partner. "hi" he snorts, hiccuping, he almost trips and y/n reaches over to grab him, standing him back upright.

"hello" he smiles simply. he's a little drunk, not so drunk that he's stumbling and red faced like zhang hao. the older stares for a moment, and then he smiles widely.

"your very pretty" he states, rocking back and forth on his heels as he smiles like a teenager giddy about their crush. he giggles like a little kid, grabbing y/n's hands and beginning to swing them back and forth. "like very gorgeous man".

"really? well, your prettier" y/n replies, and zhang hao giggles like a little kid once again. taerae pretends to vomit on the other side of the room, disgusted by this couple-y behavior.

"your cute, i'm cute, i have the feeling we'd look very good together" he laughs, biting his lower lip to suppress a smile. suddenly, his eyes light up as he thinks of a brilliant idea.

yeah "brilliant".

"just a question" he starts, batting his eyelashes dramatically. "do you happen to be single?" zhang hao inquires, scooting closer to the boy until their shoulders knocked together.

"oh no, i actually have a boyfriend".

now listen, y/n thought it would've been funny to mess with zhang hao, it's a thing a two of them always do. sometimes when he was drunk, he'll forget he's dating zhang hao himself, and the older will just mess with him for fun. but what he doesn't expect, is for zhang hao's smile to drop.

"oh, you do?" zhang hao frowns, his voice lowers in a way that makes him sound sad. he slowly steps away from y/n, looking uncomfortable.

matthew blinks, observing the situation. hanbin narrows his eyes in confusion, taerae chuckles at his sudden attitude change, and jiwoong simply shakes his head as he watches zhang hao step away.

zhang hao stays silent for a moment, a sad yet panicked expression written on his face, as if he'd just done something wrong.

just as y/n was about to ask what's wrong, zhang hao turns to him and bows his head.

"i'm so sorry for flirting with you!"

"what!?" matthew exclaims, startling hanbin, who was just about to drift off to sleep. taerae stares, then just begins giggling like an idiot, the alcohol getting to him.

y/n is taken aback. "wait no that's not—"

"i didn't know you were taken i'm so sorry" he apologizes again. "your boyfriend must be a really great person i'm so sorry for what i did" the words spill out of his mouth so quickly they simply blur together into nonsense, his head bowed so low that it was basically touching the ground.

"no no no it's alright" y/n panics, placing his hands on his boyfriends shoulder and pulling him to stand upright. "no need to apologize" he says, taking zhang hao's face and caressing his cheek as well as fixing his messy hair.

for some reason, that action must've had quite the affect on zhang hao, because he started bawling his eyes out.

"what— why are you crying!?" y/n exclaims, panicked by his boyfriends outburst.

he sniffles, bringing his hand up to wipe his nose before bursting into tears again upon making eye contact with y/n.

"he's taken" zhang hao sobs, eyes shut as tears dramatically fall down his cheeks.

without any warning, taerae fell over and began dying of laughter. giggles escaped matthew's lips as he watched zhang hao cry over his own boyfriend, and jiwoong tries his best to not burst into laughter.

"you three! don't laugh!" hanbin scolded, slapping both matthew and taerae on the back. he hurriedly rushes to zhang hao's side, wrapping an arm around him. "there there hao hao".

hanbin offers him a tissue, watching as zhang hao blows his nose as he rubs his hand up and down his back, he's trying his best not to laugh out loud as y/n stands there in panic.

"he's taken" zhang hao pouts, tears still falling from his eyes as he turns to hanbin, who, in response, lets out a small giggle.

"hanbin!?"

"sorry sorry" hanbin giggles again, but he then manages to stifle them, patting zhang hao's head. "don't cry hao-hyung, he's still very into you".

y/n stands there, feeling a little awkward. zhang hao sniffles again and turns to y/n, blinking as he stares at him. he stares for a specifically long time before walking up to him and pulling him into a hug.

"i hope your boyfriend doesn't mind this" he mutters into y/n's shirt, wiping his remaining tears on it.

y/n chuckles, running a hand up and down zhang hao's back. "no i don't think he'll mind" he says as he laughs, and zhang hao hums, pulling away to look up.

"has anyone ever told you that your very pretty?" he asks, emphasizing the 'very'. "i would kiss you but you have a boyfriend" he smiles, snorting once again.

"you are my boyfriend, silly".

"hah, funny joke".

zhang hao snorts once again, resting his head on y/n's chest. "you are very pretty".

"as you've said before".

"okay, continue lying pretty men".

y/n notes one thing from this interaction.

never let zhang hao drink too much.

[sweatstainsinwinter]

Day 28 of the gateway tapes

So today I moved onto wave 1 tape 4

It’s meant to help you release negative emotions. I didn’t realise this before I started. And yk usually I have LOADS of doubts and stuff but I was actually in a good place when I did it today so it wasn’t very effective.

I think it’d be a good tape to do though if you’re having a bad day. Or before shifting, if you have doubts and limiting beliefs.

Day 29: had a bit of a bad day so I tried out this tape again. Didn’t rlly work very well though cuz I fell asleep and then kept forgetting the steps 😨✌🏽

Day 30: I tried tape 5 but I kept falling asleep 😭 Also there’s this big gap half way through tape 5 and I have NO IDEA what I’m meant to do (I think that’s what makes me sleepy. My mind just wanders into sleep)

Day 31: I did tape 5 again and actually got through it!! I think I do the tapes best when I’ve just woken up, since I’m less likely to fall asleep through them. So in the tape you need to leave your body. I think this would be fairly easy if I can just master focus 10 a bit more. I can usually get into it most of the time. I think I’ll practice it a bit more before I try this tape again :)

Also at the end your meant to count to 20 and fall asleep, so I’m not sure when the best time to do this tape would be? If I’m too tired I’d fall asleep before I can leave my body. But then if I’m not tired enough I wouldn’t be able to sleep at the end? Also why do I need to fall asleep in the first place 😭?? Anyway I also did advanced today a bit later and fell asleep

I keep failing recently? Ig it’s a mix of mindset and also me not being able to sleep at night so I’m almost always sleepy during the day 😔

Day 32: got into focus 10 twice

Day 33: Sleep explorations is still rlly hard :(

When I woke up (I fell asleep during) my body felt soo heavy tho

Day 34: HELP I DID SLEEP EXPLORATION AND I CANT EVEN REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED 😭? (Tbf I am writing this 10ish hours after I did it). Ig it didn’t go well?? Or did I even do sleep exploration? Ik I did two tapes today and one was advanced focus 10 so it makes sense the other one was sleep exploration..? Idk I should write what happened after I finish the tapes and not wait half a day after 😔

[hereforthefunnyguys]

Is it too insane to ask for your nsfw Irateshipping HCs?

no no it’s not insane I just usually try to keep the blog more pg-13/R rated than x rated. However…. I really want to talk about Irateshipping more. So imma just put some stuff under the cut. Honestly I’m more worried about not having enough stuff or frankly anything thats particularly sexy than I am about having it at all lmao

(nsfw text under the cut! You have been Warned) (Hoping the cut actually. Cuts where its supposed to lmao)

-marik ishtar praise kink goes crazy I don’t make the rules. Joey once accidentally called him a "good boy" during their first time together and he literally stopped functioning. Like complete windows crash bluescreen. Only refocused when Joey sat up and shook him a little because what if he accidentally killed him with sex somehow

-Joey is actually the more experienced of the two, which was really disappointing to him because he was really counting on the idea of his sexy criminal femme fatale boyfriend that knows 5000 different sex positions and instead got stuck with a nervy little freak that does not even know what lube is

-marik doesn’t know what he’s doing but he’s very enthusiastic to try whatever sounds fun

-this is simultaneously contrasted with the fact that he cannot take much stimulation at once and gets nervous if he’s not in control (whether in a Sexy way or in a Panic Attack way is kind of a coin flip)

-Joey is kind of bad at sex the first few times tbh because he gets too nervous and ends up getting distracted and talking way too much and ruining the mood

-he seriously improves in focus and attractivenesss when marik is just like. Ok. You can do what you want physically but please. For the love of god. Stop talking in bed like that.

-Joey has a weird thing where the idea of losing control to marik is really hot but also simultaneously so absolutely terrifying and humiliating to him even in a private context that he’s just like “hmmmm stuffing that down to repress as well methinks”

-marik is perhaps a wee bit of a sadist, which does not mix well with the fact that he is also fairly submissive and wants to be cared for and cared about so bad it actually hurts

-def not a masochist though lmao

-“I want to make you feel good and make this very romantic and uh other stuff” Joey and “i have been working for 10 straight hours and just got yelled at by my dad and need to Destroy Something” Joey are two entirely different creatures in bed

-Joey, walking into the bedroom casually: Hey babe how's it go -

Marik, shaking visibly from stress: If you have sex with me right here right now and completely destroy my brain to the point i cannot think about the conversations i have had with my siblings today about what i will do with my life now that I am no longer a cult leader I swear I will literally give you whatever you want from me for at least three months

Joey:

Joey, cautiously patting Marik on the head while sitting down next to him: Okay not that that's not an incredibly hot offer but maybe let's talk about it first plea-

Marik, gripping Joey's leg hard enough to leave fingerprints: I understand that but if I have one more serious conversation today I'll start killing people again

-Marik head game goes crazy because of that long tongue until he gets too worked up and starts getting Bitey

-Joey head game mediocre because he has too much of a gag reflex but is very enthusiastic and drools a fuckton

-Marik dick game meh because he neither has the enthusiasm nor the stamina for it tbh. Gets bonus points because he has fairly good rhythm

-Joey is better because he definitely has the enthusiasm for it as well as the strength for it (plus hes stubborn enough to keep pushing even when hes exhausted lmao) but tbf tends to get really excited or distracted and so tends to be kind of irrhythmic

-i tend to not bring top/bottom Disc Horse (tm) up much but I do think Joey probably wouldn't bottom much due to both a lot of internalized perceptions about it and also because it sounds like it fuckin hurts to him lmao

-Marik is simultaneously split in between "I love my weird little pathetic creature that i occasionally allow to be graced by my divine presence in bed" and "I NEED HIM TO CRUSH MY NECK IN BETWEEN HIS BICEP AND FOREARM WHILE I GET SHOVED IN BETWEEN HIS PECS FUCK"

-In terms of like strict Dynamics i think they're probably both switches that tend to fall back into pretty gentle/vanilla dom/sub dynamic when they aren't trying anything in particular

-Joey kind of likes getting bossed around in bed but tends to argue with it if marik does not just make him shut the Fuck up because sometimes the joey instinct is stronger than the horny instinct

-I post a lot about them having fucked up gay sex but in a domestic situation I think the sex is actually pretty intimate and honestly probably one of the healthier aspects of their relationship

-At multiple times in their lives I think its probably what helps get them through the day especially Joey when he was still living with his dad and working through his debts like. just five minutes more of worrying 24/7 and struggling to survive until my beautiful boyfriend shows up and straddles my lap while kissing my forehead and removes every single goddamn thought i have ever had that isn't about him. yay :)

-suffice to say they are making it work in the bedroom

-I forgot to mention that occasionally yami marik will show up if marik gets too freaked out and that there is nothing more terrifying to joey than turning around post-afterglow and seeing a demon with hair bigger than it’s shoulders looking at you like he wants to suck the inside of your skin out in place of your previously very pretty and vulnerable boyfriend

-bonus genderbend edition: fem marik is definitely a pillow princess and joey is completely willing to deal with putting in the work because quote "have you seen her recently have you seen my beautiful girlfriend just look at her I would do anything for this sexy sexy living identity crisis on stilts"

-fem marik: I want strap this is no longer a want nor a need but rather a Demand

[livingbutamireally]

AY2022/2023 Y4S1 Module Reviews

I have been putting this off for awhile and have been writing this over the span of a few weeks truthfully maybe even a month. I have no idea what is it in this semester but i get tired just from doing absolutely nothing. We already knew but the transition from work back to school wasnt easy at least for me couldnt remember some of the coding stuff i used to have at my fingertips. But i guess there was enough mods for me to practice them over so it didnt take too long for me to get back on my feet. Feels so surreal that its finally my last modreg season actually....

Without further ado the

Overview

LAJ2201 Japanese 2

GEH1016 Understanding Consumption

BT4103 Business Analytics Capstone Project

BT4212 Search Engine Optimization and Analytics

BT4222 Mining Web Data for Business Insights

LAJ2201 Japanese 2

Lecturer

Kitai S., Amazaki O.

Textbooks

Minna no Nihongo Shokyu 1 Main textbook Second Edition (SGD42.00)   

Minna no Nihongo Shokyu 1 Translation & Grammatical Notes in English Second Edition (SGD33.00)

Minna no Nihongo Shokyu 1 Hyoojun Mondaishuu Second Edition (SGD18.00)

Minna no Nihongo Shokyu 1 Kanji Eigoban Kanji (English Edition) Second Edition (SGD32.00)

Prices are how the school vendor charges, if you can source cheaper ones outside feel free to get those instead! You will need Hyoujun Mondaishuu in physical copy so please get that at the very least.

Weightage

Term Test 1 Performance i dont know if im allowed to share this info tbh here goes nothign

                                                             Ave        highest     full mark

Kanji & Vocabulary                       8.3         10             10

Grammar 1 Particles                    5.9         8                8

Grammar 2 True or False             4.4         6                6

Grammar 3 Finding errors           2.5          6                6

Reading                                       7.6         10              10

Listening                                      7.5         11             12

Term Test 2 Components *performance not revealed

Kanji + Katakana Grammar 1 (particle) Grammar 2 (true/false) Grammar 3 (conjugation) *new Grammar 4 (finding error) Reading Listening

Review

honestly LAJ has been very exciting for me personally if not one of the most fun moments ive had in nus. sure 1 sem is barely enough for you to ground yourself in the fundamentals of a language and of course interest far supersedes any kind of effort u put in because it is not the hours u put into it that count, but rather the passive picking up of things as u go along. sounds cheesy as hell that is probably true. anyways laj has been nothign short of enjoyable despite the really tight timeline plus very consistent schedule of always being on the grind for submissions. the workload really IS a lot and its very time consuming so i have to think hard if i really want to take this next sem. honestly as someone whos been into this hellhole for awhile, learning it formally is still really different from anything ive been doing on my own (watchign etc).... like i didnt know i still have so much i dont know??? ok tbf i came in with no grammar knowledge other than the basic の and と that any seasoned otaku would know so i struggled Hard.. but i think the experience of learning with new friends really ive made eased it in so much for me... i love it.. 1000/10 would recommend if ur already into the culture idt u have anything to lose?? idt i did well throughout tbh as in weekly quizes ive got a lot of 6/10s but on days where i studied 30 mins before the class i get 9/10 so do what u got to do ig. my term test perf wasnt very good either so im not getting my hopes up despite me taking this module with the intentions to bring my gpa up. 

for the drill every week theres 1 lecture, 2 tutorials. the lecture goes through one chapter of the minna textbook which includes both a set of vocabulary and some grammar rules. for tut A u got to hand in the kanji homework and theres a vocab quiz too in class that u need to prep before hand. tut A also goes through renshuu C-1 and C-2 dialogues usually. And every sun there are prep quizes for  both vocab and kanji due, this preps u for the in class quiz can retake as many times to perfect ur score. for tut B u got to hand in the hyoujun mondaishuu (physical) for the previous weeks lecture and they go through more speech patterns covered in renshuu C-3 usually. Renshuu C is where u find the dialogues that you will need again for the oral interview basically memory work. Oral interview pairs u with a classmate and u guys take turns to talk, what is tested is the same as renshuu C just under different context/setting. sometimes theres additional hw to submit for shadowing (recording urself repeating the dialogue right after a recorded dialogue), writing (short compo) and reading (comprehension). When its nearing term tests, u will get a listening quiz the week before tt iirc the stuff are said only ONCE so if u zone out then byebye. The term test itself also has a listening component which is basically the same drill again for god knows why. other than that we had this online exchange session pretty fun with other jp uni students zoom n chat kind of thing then a presentation on ur exchange in w13. Pretty fun time passes too fast in laj honestly it made my week go by too fast (spend too much time doing jp).

GEH1016 Understanding Consumption

Professor  Dr. Hendrik M.

Weightage

Content

Introduction - Thinking about Consumption

Geographies of Consumption

Consumption in History

Economics and Consumption

Business and Consumption

Psychology and Consumption 

Society and Consumption

Cultures of Consumption

Politics and Consumption

Ethics of Consumption

Environment and Consumption

Internet and Consumption and Conclusions 

Conclusions

Review

Took this as a ue just for the sake of a ue.. i saw the reviews saying its essay based sparks flew jk i think its like any other ge tbh the lectures go through consumption as viewed from the various disciplines, assumptions et cetera et cetera its like a content kind of mod? i skipped most of the later half of the lectures because my schedule was really so bad i needed more time for my other mods priorities right and i didnt do any of the readings theres just too much and im not that much of a reader i know.. attention span lasts for at msot 5s and these readings are like 30 pages on average long some weeks theres 2 readings i simply cant wiht the reading.. other than that u kind of just need to know what they are covering in the lectures so i should be safe..crossing my fingers.... tutorial wise its kind of seminar style? the tutor is able to talk a lot out of nothing sometimes which amazes me...its very nothing module idh a better word low effort ish? just sometimes we need to present and stuff in our groups for the tutorials and the final presentation on our location of research and findings..class part alright... essay is some reflection paper on what has been taught i think it wsa week 4/5 ish then group project is any location of your choice to study on the different perspectives of consumption and a bit of research u come up with this academic paper (tutor is very niao about the citation style and stuff so please be careful) then the original written finals by some reason i dont rmb became a take home final essay which is better for me since more time (not really for me cause AFA LOL) anyways shitted out the paper a day before submissions and still alive so...

BT4103 Business Analytics Capstone Project

Professor Um S.Y., Hahn J.P.

Weightage

Individual Component Consultation Participation        25% Weekly logs                            10% Group Component Presentations + Project deliverables      50% Client Satisfaction                                   15%

Note: The score for the teamwork component of your grade will be normalised based on your contribution to the team, which will be determined via a peer evaluation process and a client satisfaction survey at the mid/end of the semester

Schedule

Lectures for this mod only happened once during the start of the sem, on nusmods its a 3h long one but dw that only will occur just once. Following weeks will be a 30min consult that is set at the convenience of the group and the prof/TA can be held on another day as well really up to you. So at the start there was about 20 (?) projects on the portal they will brief you during that initial lecture and you can go in to look at the descriptions of the deliverables if it aligns with your groups interest. You bid for them by ranking the 20 projects and the assignment of groups to their projects is on fcfs basis (other than by rank) so please manage the time for bidding well if you want to get the project of your choice. Yeah and then you get to exchange contacts with your company etc to for an introduction of the expected work proper. After that you kind of really just liaise back and forth with your company on the submission, and every week the profs will check in with you on your progress, any doubts/challenges etc etc basically a slot to update on your work. There is a weekly log submission too due Fri 12pm where u outline your contributions in a doc to be submitted. Other than that for the presentations, there is an interim one nearing recess week and a final one in week 13. Interim was online/physical at your choice even though they did not make it very clear and finals is definitely physical with your project sponsors as well. Tip is to make sure u choose projects that you definitely have stuff to talk about.... if its too easy its a bit hard to make your project and value of work delivered look substantial enough.... 

BT4212 Search Engine Optimisation and Analytics

Professor Jin C.

Weightage

Class participation 5%

In-class quiz 5%

Homework assignments and group project 40%

Final exam 50%

Content

Keywords research, Google ranking algorithm updates, on-page/off-page SEO, randomized experiment design, A/B test, ranking algorithm, data mining and ml methods

Review

This actually is still a pretty interesting module even up till now but i especially rmb telling another friend how the content isnt dry like the other modules well till i was proven wrong with the experiment design flashbacks to ger1000 but overall i think its still pretty interesting the prof also is very engaging as in he talks in a way that captures your attention? or at the very least isnt very monotonous and he does put in the effort to come up with very relevant analogies amidst all the inevitably dry content Oh the reason why i was impressed was i actually finally understand?? the source material?? like snaps fingers enlightenment kind of thing???? hes actually really good at conveying the material without making it seem like the daunting insurmountable mountain... the first few weeks are fine though they ease u in wiht all the motivations behind efforts to improve seo ranking and the google ranking updates which are very interesting to learn about.. the ranking algo and ml parts are towards the end after week 7 and things start to get a bit haywire because its suddenly knee dip into matrices (after 3 years) and stuff solving eigenvectors (i thought we moved on from maths) </3 then towards the end the usual ml recap all over again this is good since most bt mods does a ml refresher over the models and stuff again so its a good recap or even does a good job introducing for those who are touchnig these for their first time. 

The quizes kind of didnt happen until after week 7 iirc theres only 2 for our sem its a 5 mcq luminus quiz kind of thing and its all ctrl-f-able open book so try to get 5/5 for these. The homework assignments are also more congregated towards the second half of the sem so just manage your time well and expect these to take up some keyword some of your time. There are 4 of those in total, the first is a simple writeup pretty much no biggie then the remaining 3 are coding assignments but most of it u would have the pseudocode to do the same he explains it in lectures then u just kind of code it out the final one being more ml driven so if you’ve done ml before u wont struggle much anyway. Else can just google the source code its always p much the same plug and pull easy game. The finals though...........

(minute of silence)

its a written paper so u kind of sit down for 2h doing the problems for the final week (w13) the prof will go through finals questions from previous sems if u revised it then ur gtg u can expect about the same. But i didnt plan my time well plus confused by the requirements (choose all that apply for mcqs) and the answer fields being in a table of boxes from q1 to 20  do i really put e.g. a,b,c within one box for one question?? and the option d is a whole ‘all above’ really got me second guessing myself until idk anymore if i rmb correctly the format was 20 MCQs, 4 short answer questions (not really short but compared to the longer ones behind), 1 long ass question with many subparts that tests computation i.e. stats stuff and the matrices stuff

Anyways grades please be nice to me crying i lost too many marks because id dint have the time (for the first time if im being honest) Theres also one group project but no news from the prof until very late into the sem maybe week 8? 9?  they had to finalise some sutff like if our blogs were indexed (most of it was not) so it became a project plan write up kind of thing how u plan to conduct the experiment to test out whether changing up some things affect the seo ranking instead of actually executing it out (profs original intention) might differ next sem tell me about it then

This is a sem 1 only mod and i think u should definitely take this up if the module title intrigues you because out of all the bt mods ive taken most barely even correspond to the module title T_T but this one surprisingly does a good job at it as for workload wise i think its pretty manageable just got to expect a little more than nothing in the later half of the sem

BT4222 Mining Web Data for Business Insights

Professor Wang Q.H.

Weightage

Assignment 1 (10%)

Quiz 1 (10%)

Assignment 2 (10%)

Project proposal submission and presentation (5%)

Assignment 3 (10%)

Quiz 2 (10%)

Project deliverables (40%)

Attendance class participation (5%)

Content

ML intro, web scraping, feature engineering, regularisation, NLP, classification methods, linear/logistic regression, bayesian learning/ svm, decision tree, ensemble learning and random forests, neural nets and deep learning, word embedding, convolutional neural net recurrent neural net and other DNN and explainability

Review

This is one of the more popular pes because it  coincides for a few specs or sth im sure its also why i thought this should be one of the more useful  ones granted it aligns for more than 1 spec.. Anyway what im saying is that most bza students would have taken this mod. And sure enough i think the prof this sem wang qh did a really good job covering this mod cant say the same for zhao yl for last sem.. u all really.. Anyways once again like many bt mods its a very ML focused one so u get to explore the various ML models if you like doing that. The prof also provide source codes so its very helpful when you need to refer in future and stuff. Nothing much to say ba its quite good theres class part so maybe half way through the lecture she will put up the attendance gforms then u fill it in on the spot usually during the break i.e. 1h 10m into the lecture (she sets alarm for this to make sure she doesnt go over v cute) Other than that theres 2 tests (quizzes) held on examplify usually max max 30 mcq but these mcq are tricky as hell sometimes with 5/6 options so really ganbare. For the assignments its coding based and also very structured with guidelines in the ipynb plus u got all the source code so no problem ba mb just 1/2 question will be q hard but other than that no biggie ive always been the last minute so maybe allocate about a week should be enough. Then theres also a project that you can work on throughout the sem, yes as you learn more ml models through the week the problem statement is really up to you and your group and how u want to achieve it also very open ended... (jsut like the BT4221 i took) except u already know theres this project at the start of the sem i.e. more time to work on it unlike bt4221....... just need to submit project proposal at the start of the sem then ur report findings, codes and stuff at the end with a presentation for proposal (cancelled for us due to no time) and a presentation in w13 (can be 1/2 person presenting for the group) there will be a lot fo groups presenting and then we have a gforms to rate their projects as part of the evaluation no finals for this (yay) bc she thinks the doing is more importatn (getting down to prep the data, actual model implementation basically the practical stuff compared to content content stuff (WHICH SHOULD BE THE WAY TO GOOO) very practically speaking all the theory is all google-able whether u can do it is something else entirely

[pride-of-storm]

i was a legal assistant for like two hundred hours and using 'v' for 'versus' will never leave me

[rebelsandtherest]

*bursts in* NO DEPRESSO BRAIN FOR YOU

The idea that a bunch of the Nations (mainly Europe tbf but others too) have very bad caffeine addictions like they are not allowed to do hard drugs anymore so they took to soft drugs. Plus tell me that ppl like England and Germany actually sleep when they're meant to.

also the top 3 caffeine consumption nations are all nordics. Finland, Norway and Denmark

Thanks friend, it's been a looooong week

LOL honestly what nation doesn't have a vice or ten? Everyone's addicted to something, most of them have been through cycles of different addictions be it hard drugs or caffeine or the peppermints Arthur ate nonstop for like three years when he was trying to give up smoking. (He's mostly non-smoking now. Mostly.) And honestly what substance hasn't Alfred been addicted to at some point in time? Caffeine is a very common culprit for the more benign addictions the nations face.

And yes, I think the Nordics are potentially the most caffeine addicted. Weirdly, however, Sweden doesn't actually react to caffeine overload the way most do. I personally headcanon Sweden as hardcore neurodivergent / ASD, and the caffeine helps him keep a clear head and focus on whatever it is he needs to focus on in the moment. It calms him down, and on cold or rainy days he falls into the habit of drinking a cup of coffee by the fire and then promptly taking a nap. Before the physiology behind this was better understood, others saw it as something of a superpower, being able to lucidly focus for hours on end and then just... roll over and sleep.

Norway isn't all that sensitive to caffeine so he can drink quite a lot before he feels affected. Eventually he does get the jitters but has perfected the art of hiding it, and maintains that he is immune to caffeine's effects, mostly as a way to act superior to the other Nordics (mainly Denmark).

Denmark is someone who naturally acts like he's caffeinated even when he isn't, so adding more caffeine to the mix just turns up the dial. Denmark holding a half empty energy drink can and saying "So, I was thinking..." is how a lot of misadventures begin.

Finland is pretty average in terms of how sensitive to caffeine he is, but he overloads because he loves the feeling. Spikes his black coffee with vodka (or spikes his vodka with black coffee) and brings it into the sauna. Claims jitters will help keep him warm. Likes the "buzz". Likes to taste test new, unconventional caffeine products—seltzer, gummies, chocolate, etc—mostly for the novelty. While many people experience heightened anxiety when hyped on caffeine, it gives Finland something of a god complex that makes him combative and ready to fight anyone. Incidentally, this is also how he responds to alcohol, and the fact that he is so mild mannered and agreeable when he's sober, but can turn into a hardened war criminal when drunk or high always introduces an element of surprise of when and if he'll feel ready to fight god.

Iceland's preferred caffeine is coffee of all kinds, and he likes being able to brew a perfect cup at home. He will drink whatever type of coffee that suits him in the moment, even if this means iced coffee in the dead of winter or a hot latte when he's in shades and short sleeves. Once, after the Italian brothers told him he was making coffee improperly, he took a video of himself hanging a percolator on a spit he'd rigged over the edge of a lava flow. He doesn't say a single word in the video, just sets the coffee to brew over crusted-over molten lava. When the coffee begins to boil (which happens quite quickly) he flips the camera around on himself and holds up his middle finger. He sent the video to the Italian brothers. He's not sure what the Italian brothers think of it, but he counts it as a success because the three of them never spoke about coffee again.

[joyfulholland]

Sore Loser

a/n: this is part 3 of The Coconut Debate and Bad at Excuses.  I’ve been trying to write something else but kept getting stuck and these just kind of come out of the chaotic good part of my brain. if anyone has any requests/prompts please send them in!

word count: 1226

Y/N changed the group name to Tom owes us all £10

Sam: I only accept cash

Harry: Can I have mine in the form of an amazon voucher?

Tom: I don’t owe you anything

Y/N: don’t be a sore loser

Harrison: Yeah a bet’s a bet

Tom: it didn’t count

Tuwaine: Yes it did

Y/N: you told me the ending

Y/N: and you said you weren’t going to give anything away this time

Y/N: therefore you owe us all a tenner

Tom: I didn’t think you counted as you’re my GIRLFRIEND

Harrison: Still counts

Harry: Pay up

*

Tommy to Y/N/N: don’t watch it without me

Y/N/N: oh come on that’s not fair

Y/N/N: how did you even know

Tommy: because I’m psychic

Tommy: and you’re predictable

Y/N/N: but you’re so busy and I’m going to see spoilers if I wait

Y/N/N: you saw how everyone found out about destiel

Tommy: ok fine

Tommy: how about we watch it at the same time? on the phone or something

Y/N/N: deal

*

Sam to Tom owes us all £10: Where do you keep Ketchup

Sam: Quick I’m trying to prove a point

Y/N: the fridge

Harry: Fridge

Tom: fridge

Tuwaine: Fridge

Harrison: The cupboard

Sam: Thanks to everyone except Harrison

Y/N: Haz you heathen

Harrison: Is it in the fridge when you buy it in the shop?

Harrison: No

Harry: You can buy multi-pack cartons of OJ not in the fridge and then you put them in the fridge at home

Tuwaine: And it says on the bottle to keep refrigerated

Harrison: I’m a rebel I live by my own rules

Tom: bullshit

*

Y/N to Harry: the only logical answer is to sacrifice the washing machine

Harry: I beg your pardon?

Y/N: sorry lol that was for Tom

Y/N: actually if you’re with him can you tell him that for me

Harry: He said to remind you of the fire sneezes and the plastic

Y/N: shit he’s right

Harry: What the fuck are you two talking about?

Y/N: where you would hide a baby dragon if someone came to inspect your house

Harry: Oh right

Harry: The oven?

Y/N: I thought of that but Tom said you’d have to take the grill shelves out and that would cause suspicion

Harry: Fuck this is hard

*

Tuwaine to Tom owes us all £10: Tom I’m not speaking to your girlfriend

Tom: why??

Harrison: She beat him at the bowling snapchat game three times in a row

Y/N: and he’s a sore loser

Tuwaine: No I’m not

Tom: lol

Sam: Don’t worry about it mate she’s undefeated on all counts

Harrison: I’ve never won against her

Tom: I refuse to play it with her now she’s too competitive

Y/N: that’s not true tom you’re just a sore loser too

Harry: Y/N HOW COULD YOU

Harry: I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE YOU PLAYED SNAP BOWLING WITH

Y/N: Harry if it makes you feel better you’re the only worthy opponent

Harry: Lol yeah it does thanks

Harry: Also Tom would like me to say he’s not speaking to you now either

Y/N: lol point proven

*

Y/N/N to Tommy: would you still love me if I only ever wore the colour brown

Tommy: different shades or just the exact same brown all the time

Y/N/N: does it make a difference?

Tommy: maybe Tommy: lol nah would love you no matter what you wore

Y/N/N: even if I exclusively wore a banana costume even when we went to bed

Tommy: even then

Y/N/N: I miss you

Tommy: I miss you too

Tommy: I’ll ring in a bit x

Y/N/N: can’t wait x

*

Harrison to Tom owes us all £10: What was the name of that song that was on that advert

Tuwaine: Well that narrows it down

Sam: Yeah might need a bit more than that

Harrison: the one with the singing

Y/N: Haz mate come on

Tom: literally still could be any advert

Harry: Specifics needed

Harrison: The one with the opera singing

Harrison: But then there’s the guy on a deck chair

Sam: The Alexa advert?

Harrison: YES

Harrison: What’s the song called?

Tuwaine: aren’t there two songs in that one?

Harrison: Yeah I want the second one

Harrison: Not the one from the Magic Flute

Tom: You can remember the opera but not the other song?

Harrison: I live a cultured life

Tom: once again I am calling bullshit

Y/N: I Feel Love Donna Summer

Harrison: Thank you!!

Harry: I reckon you could have just googled that for a much quicker result

Harrison: Shut up Harry

*

Tommy to Y/N/N: do me a favour and tell Harry you don’t know what a badger is when he texts in a minute

Y/N/N: alright

*

Harry to Y/N: Your boyfriend is broken

Harry: He’s claiming he doesn’t know what badgers are

Y/N: what?

Harry: I reckon its exhaustion from over work

Harry: It’s affected his brain

Y/N: no I meant what is a badger?

Harry: Oh you have got to be kidding me

Harry: When did he text you??

Y/N: Harry I have no idea what you’re talking about

Y/N: are you sure you’re not the one who is exhausted?

Harry: This isn’t funny

*

Tuwaine to Tom owes us all £10: You guys know that Snoop Dog Just Eat advert?

Harry: Oh god not adverts again

Harrison: Let it go Harry

Tuwaine: Do you know how much he got paid??

Tuwaine: 5.3 MILLION

Sam: Damn

Tom: tbf it was a catchy song

Y/N: doggy dog christmas

Tom: exactly what a great lyric

Harrison: I liked the puppet one

Sam: Yeah did that money cover all the adverts because he did more than one

Tuwaine: No idea just says 5.3 mil

Harry: I want a takeaway now

Sam: You just sent me a snapchat of your lasagne

Harry: I know but now I want something from Just Eat

Harry: Snoop has tempted me with his lyrics

Tuwaine: Maybe that 5.3 was well spent if he’s tempting you and we’re just talking about it

Y/N: Harry as if you’re sending Sam snaps when you aren’t opening mine

Harry: it’s because I know yours is a game of wild checkers and I want to give it the proper commitment

Y/N: okay forgiven

Tom: I feel like I need to stage an intervention for you two about your snap game habits

Y/N: you’re just jealous that I don’t play with you anymore

Harrison: Why did you send Sam a photo of your lasagne?

Harry: I wanted him to give it a score out of ten

Sam: I gave it an 8.5

*

Tommy to Y/N/N: just arrived at airport x

Y/N/N: counting down the hours x

Tommy: like the tiktoks?

Y/N/N: yes but I’m not actually recording it

Tommy: so you’re just saying them out loud to yourself?

Y/N/N: no don’t be daft

Y/N/N: I’m telling them to Tessa

Tommy: oh of course my mistake

*

Harry changed the group name to Tom owes us all £20

Y/N: lol I knew it

Harrison: This is easy money

Tuwaine: Tom it’s like you’re not even trying

Sam: We’ll have the full 50 soon

Harry: I might wait to cash out until we do then have one big amazon voucher

Tom: I’m not paying any of you a single penny

Y/N: lol such a sore loser

xxxxx

tagging: @geminiparkers​ @rebekkah4766​ (please message me if you want to be added!)

[rovinky]

thank you @sleepy-skittles i definitely needed this after yesterday's awfulness

I wasn't sure what to write for this at first but I think I finally figured it out - this is longer than I thought it would be oops, maybe I should put it on ao3 idk

Rovinsky + “this isn’t our actual first kiss but it is our first important kiss”

The first time he ever kissed Kavinsky it had been after a race.

Gansey hadn't wanted him to go but he'd been feeling an itch burn beneath his skin. He'd needed to crawl out of Monmouth and away from morality for the nighty came for him a second time, Ronan shoved him again, and again, and again, until his fingers curled in Kavinsky's tanktop and he dragged him in for a kiss. The taste of cigarette smoke and bitter alcohol swathed over his tongue and the smell still makes him a bit woozy even now.

After the first kiss, they'd parted and didn't speak of it again.

The second time he kissed Kavinsky had been during a substance party.

Gansey hadn't wanted him to go but he'd been feeling an itch burn beneath his skin. He'd needed to crawl out of Monmouth and away from morality for the night. He'd arrived at Kavinsky's party where he'd been asked to produce a substance.

"Here's your fucking substance, asshole," Ronan growled before laying a wet kiss on Kavinsky's mouth before he could protest.

He can still remember how the boys' jeered all around them. How Kavinsky's body stiffened and then relaxed in his arms. His own flushed reflection staring back at him in Kavinsky's mirrored shades when they parted.

For a second time, they parted and didn't bring it up again.

The third time he kissed Kavinsky had been in a dream.

They met in his dream space, standing together in the woods. Kavinsky had grinned at him, wild and boyish. His shades were gone and for once, Ronan couldn't tell if Kavinsky was inebriated. All he knew was he'd laughed and said, his voice teetering into derisive, "You want to kiss me so bad."

The worst part was Kavinsky was right. He rolled his eyes and pulled him in for a kiss, wrapping his arms around Kavinsky's slim waist. He felt Kavinsky press something into his hand and when Ronan woke and could move again, he'd shifted his gaze to his palm to see what it held.

A small little orb hovered over his palm. Inside, Ronan could see galaxies swirl. Their own little secret.

The fourth time he kissed Kavinsky had been much later. After high school, after Adam graduated from Harvard, and when they both moved to Boston to chase Adam's career. He hadn't expected to see Kavinsky ever again after a falling out their senior year of high school. He never expected Joseph Kavinsky to become a part of his life again.

Boston wasn't exactly where he thought he would be calling home either but Adam had found a job in the city and Declan had moved in with his artist girlfriend Jordan in the same area. Despite his claims of hating Declan, Ronan could never quite shake his need to be around family.

So, Ronan made a life here.

At times, he would travel around to the country to escape the city's oppressive atmosphere, working on farms and volunteering his time at animal sanctuaries. He made friends with a girl named Hennessy on accident while Adam was at work. They hit it off when she hopped into his car and told him to drive, drive, drive.

Afterward, they ended up in the apartment he shared with Adam and she laughed hysterically when she found out his name. "Ronan Lynch?" she'd cackled. "Your Declan's brother."

They'd bonded even further when they both found out they were dreamers.

A night of dreaming left them both buzzing and wanting, feeling drunk without having to drink, they winded up in a tattoo shop. Proclaiming they would get matching tattoos, even if Ronan had no intention of letting anything on his body match someone else. Hennessy was taken off to one room and Ronan to another where he'd come face to face with a boy - now a man - he hadn't seen in six years.

Joseph Kavinsky gave him his second tattoo.

Joseph Kavinsky also gave him his third tattoo and fourth tattoo. Ronan kept returning for more ink and Kavinsky's talented hands.

"You want to kiss him again, don't you?" Adam had asked one night after Ronan spent hours talking about Kavinsky's shop.

Maybe he did but he quickly denied it. Adam only smiled at him; the kind of smile which left him feeling stripped despite being fully dressed.

"It's okay if you do," Adam whispered. "I'm secure in us."

Ronan returned for a sixth tattoo and they were at the shop until past closing. Kavinsky locked up once they were done and Ronan stole the fourth kiss. He pressed him against the BMW and kissed fast.

"What are you doing?" Kavinsky had asked.

He didn't know. They parted again for the fourth time but unlike the other times, this last one haunted him. It followed him around and entered his dreams.

Hennessy told him to just fuck Kavinsky and get it over with. Adam told him to ask Kavinsky on a date and get it over with. Gansey told him he really needed to focus on himself and get over it.

Ronan could not get over it.

Which is how he ended up standing out of Kavinsky's shop, staring at the Open sign, and trying to talk himself into walking in. It's been two weeks since their fourth kiss - not that he's been counting.

He takes a step closer to the shop and then backs off, before pacing back and forth in front of it, until the sound of the door opening makes him freeze and spin around. Kavinsky stands there, his head tilted to the side, looking ridiculously kissable in the afternoon sun.

"Lynch? What the hell are you doing?"

Ronan stammers, wishing he could formulate words but they're failing. He knows two languages and can't even formulate one sentence.

Kavinsky raises an eyebrow. "Is it your tattoo?"

"No," he finally manages. "No- the tattoo is great." He rubs the back of his neck, looking down at his scuffed combat boots. "K..."

"Yes?"

He wants to ask Kavinsky out but he has no idea how to do it. Of course, Adam had been the one to kiss him. Then, they'd just started being boyfriends; there had never been an 'asking out' process. Everything had just happened.

"Look, I have clients coming..." Kavinsky starts but Ronan steps in and kisses him again to shut him up.

There's a moment where Kavinsky stands there, stunned, not kissing him back but then they both relax into it and Kavinsy releases the door so they can step into each other's space. They kiss hungrily until they're both breathless and pulling away for air.

"Shit," Kavinsky gasps. He reaches up to touch his lips, his cheeks turning a faint shade of pink.

Ronan reaches into his pocket and pulls out a matching miniature galaxy sphere and places it in Kavinsky's palm. "Text me."

Their parting less like shrapnel now and more like waves longing for the return to the shore.

A text comes later in the evening and Ronan practically dives for his phone which if Adam had been home, he'd be fairly embarrassed.

-> so about that kiss

Ronan's heart flutters as he types back, glad Kavinsky stole his number from his paperwork. Of course, he's never changed his number, maybe Kavinsky still had it from Before.

<- yea?

-> are you sure you want to do this? are you sure you want to get to know me? pretty sure you hated my guts at the end of hs

<- i did but tbf you were a piece of shit

-> thanks

<- so was i

-> we both were

<- i suck at apologies man so idk if you're wanting one or what

-> i'll take another kiss instead

<- when?

-> whenever you want to give it to me

Ronan chews his bottom lip and sends Kavinsky a final text, asking him to come over. He sends over his address and mentally makes a note to tell Kavinsky everything.

About Adam. About their life here. About their agreement. They can make it work.

The sixth time, arguably the first important time happens six months later. Sunday, the shop is closed, and they're standing in The Insitute of Contemporary Art, staring at artworks by an artist Hennessy is currently obsessing over. The rain outside is partially what drove them indoors to start with but Ronan supposes it kills two birds with one stone.

"I don't get it," Kavinsky says while he tilts his head back and forth.

"I don't think you're supposed to." Ronan turns away from the art so he can look at Kavinsky instead. He studies Kavinsky's profile, his sharp nose, and soft lips. The way his brow creases together while he looks at the painting.

"Pretty sure it's supposed to be about something important- Ronan-." Kavinsky gasps when Ronan turns him to face him. "You almost knocked me on my ass."

"You're fine," Ronan replies. He presses his forehead lightly to Kavinsky's, squeezing his hand where he holds Kavinsky's smaller one in his own. "I'm gonna say something and you're going to think I'm insane."

Kavinsky rolls his eyes. "Are you going to say you like this painting because it's fucking ugly."

"I love you."

Kavinsky blinks, clearly looking like he needs to reboot. "Excuse me?"

"I know it sounds insane but I do, I love you." Ronan blushes, wishing he hadn't spoken at all. Telling Adam he loved him had happened quickly and with ease because he knew it to be true. Now, he's standing at the precipice of loving someone else, someone he'd never expected to love but he does all the same.

"You don't have to say it back," he adds quickly. "I don't expect you to... I just wanted you to kno-." Ronan cuts off because Kavinsky is kissing him. They kiss in front of a Jeff Koons which he's sure Declan would shudder at and he knows Hennessy will laugh at. They kiss until Ronan feels dizzy and when they part, he almost has to sit down.

"Fuck," Ronan whispers.

Kavinsky's face is flushed and he clears his throat, slowly turning to look at the painting again but Ronan feels him squeeze his hand subtly. "So, what do you think this means again?"

Ronan smirks and squeezes back. "I think it fucking sucks but let's go ask Parrish."

Hearing Kavinsky laugh is enough to make everything worth it.

[spinyax]

fusion au part 2: electric boogaloo (part 1 here)

featuring Man O' War and fusion origin stores (under the cut bc i get Wordy lmao)

Man O’ War -

Chip/Jay/Gill

They/Them

Surprisingly stable for a 3 person fusion

Bioluminescent (the tops of their coral/antler crown, the tops of their fingers, plus some designs on their wing/fin(???) membrane i have yet to make

VERY fast swimmer, the arm wings/fins help

real big, they cant be formed on the boat

unless they're formed bc of an emergency they'll just kinda sit and enjoy existing

they don't really talk (they're never in a situation where they really need to tbf) but if they did they’d have a funky voice overlap

their name is based off the portuguese man o' war (animal), which aren't one animal! it's a colony of multiple little animals and i feel it really fit for a fusion. also the man o war (ship) was probably the last thing you'd ever want to see (and ever would see) as a pirate

---

some fusion origin stories bc i got some words in my head i need to get out

Osprey

first formed before they met gill, probably the night before they left jay’s island

Jay snuck out at night to the beach to hang out with this random bastard that’s been hanging around the tavern bc he seems lonely and she feels weirdly drawn to him

Idk how it comes up, but chip tries and fails to mimic jay’s dance she does at the tavern, and she tries to correct him, dancing with him

They accidentally fuse and turn into Osprey, who’s very confused

They stand up on shaky legs and hobble over to the water to get a good look at themself, meanwhile internally jay is freaking out

They get a look at their face and audibly say “damn im fine as hell” before immediately unfusing

Jay freaks the fuck out and runs away, leaving chip in the sand with a lot more emotions that he’s used to dealing with

The next night, chip comes back to the tavern and before jay can tell him to fuck off he tells her he saw some of her memories about drey and that’s he’s looking for him as well, along with the rest of the blackrose pirates

They run off that night

I have an idea for how osprey meets gill but i don't have the Strength to write it out rn

Thresher

Post episode 16: chip/gill fought and made up, but things are a little shaky between them

Gillion approached jay one night and asks about fusion, since he saw chip/jay fuse a few weeks ago (scenario i haven't written out yet) and he was curious about it

I don't know if i want to make fusion a Surface thing or just an unspoken/taboo topic in the Undersea but gill doesn't know much about it for that reason

He says he’d ask chip but he’s still unsure if he can truly trust chip with cultural knowledge anymore

Jay internally sheeshes at that last part at tells him what she knows about fusion

Gillion asks if the two of them could fuse and jay says it’s unlikely (fusions are usually done between super close friends/lovers. Osprey is an outlier and should not be counted) but there’s no harm in trying

They dance

I imagine it’s kinda like medieval line dancing, all stiff and formal. Gill is taking it Super Seriously and jay’s trying not to laugh

Jay trips and gillion rushes to catch her, and they form Thresher

Cut to chip, who’s asleep but wakes up when a shadow looms over him and a clawed finger pokes his face, then he opens his eye and screams (think about him waking up to amanda) bc holy shit that’s a demon (they do be lookin kinda bad tho :fuckboy emoji:)

The hot demon doesn't move, and slowly chip feels like he recognizes it? Those fins look familiar and hey isn’t that jay’s pin- Oh Fuck that’s a fusion

He lets out a shaky “hi” and asks if they're a fusion. Thresher kinda tilts their head like a puppy then nods. He asks for their name and they let out a growly “Thresher” that does nothing to help his current state of fear (or arousal). He tells them to go on the deck and figure out more about themself, it’s not everyday you make a new fusion y’know. They nod and grumble something in a demon-sounding language (primordial but chip doesn't know that) and go back up deck

They unfuse later that day and ask chip what they thought of thresher. He says they were ok

Actual feelings: he was Afeared and Aroused and feeling Many emotions that he’s not ready to process just yet.

(Bastard) Moray

Ill be real im open to any/all ideas for moray’s origin story (and moray in general) bc i feel like i have the weakest grasp on his whole deal

Takes place during some fantasy arc that happens off-screen (yes im aware that the crew really haven't been together for long but i simply ignore canon sometimes)

They're raiding some island cave for treasure and good news: they found it and have it on them. Bad news: it triggered a trap and now they’re running for their lives from a cave-in

They’re about to make it out when jay rolls a 1 and trips just before the exit and gets covered in rubble (with one arm out for the Drama of it all)

Chip and gill freak out and try to dig her out with their bare hands with little success, and then freak out more

(WAIT A SECOND GALAXY BRAIN IDEA)

Chip gets an idea and grabs gill by the shoulders

Chip: fuse with me

Gill: what???

Then chip fuckin dips him back and kisses the fuck out of him

Both get nat 20’s (obviously) and fuse into Moray

Moray spends the first few moments of his existence excited bc wow!!!!! He’s alive!!!! but then realizes Oh Shit, Friend is Trapped

With terrifying strength he lifts the rubble with two arms and extracts jay with the other two. She’s bruised and unconscious, but breathing so Moray takes that as a win and heads back to the ship.

A few hours later jay wakes up and goes onto the deck to see Moray doing whatever the fuck moray would do and gets super confused

Moray sees jay and goes !!!!!!! :D and runs over and picks her up bc friend ok !!!!

jay's fuckin dying bc on one hand she's happy the two of them fused but on the other hand oh god he's a handful (and he's holding her up with one hand what the fuck)

the two of them spend the rest of the day figuring out what moray can do (stuff i havent thought out yet lmao)

[mins-fins]

REALLY THEATER? - K.TAERAE

⊹ ˚. synopsis: it's only tonight, on closing night, on the night of the last ever performance, that the two of them actually realize their feelings for each other.

⊹ ˚. pairing: kim taerae x m!reader

⊹ ˚. genre: fluff, angst but not really

⊹ ˚. warnings: isa's lame theater kid knowledge, crying because again its closing night, might seem very rushed but tbf it is

⊹ ˚. word count: 1.4k

⊹ ˚. notes: hi i went insane yesterday and literally listened to the whole heathers soundtrack before going to sleep and then i woke up and world burn from mean girls immediately began playing so my mind is fried, also i was looking at zb1 trying to see which member would most likely be a theater kid (taerae is so obvious is it not?) okay enough of this long ass note enjoy!

⊹ ˚. this is for favorite taerae delusionist stan jun (@so2uv / @luvjiun) adjshds love you babe

murmuring, pushing, singing, bustling, sound checks, and of course, last minute line rehearsals. y/n has been through the process many times, though he officially joined the pre-production team in his sophomore year, he's become used to the chaos which ensues on closing night.

he's already prepared for the tears, the shouts from audience members, the constant reminders from the director that he needs to follow the very specific instructions so that the sound operates correctly and according to plan. he can hear the mutters from the other hundred people either apart of production, pre-production, and theatre staff as they all converse about closing night.

y/n usually never gets emotional during closing night, because he doesn't perform on the stage, it makes sense why the actors would be emotional, but he usually never find a reason to become emotional during closing night, because he was only behind the scenes, he never usually did anything important onstage.

but this year.. this year is different.

y/n listens to everything going on around him, all the consecutive noise blending into his ears and just becoming blurry, but out of all the singers warming up their voices for the final ever performance of the year, there's one that really stands out.

kim taerae.

y/n can't help but admire taerae. he's been in musical theater for as long as he can remember, and he's never met someone who peaked his interest more. taerae has never really done musical theater as a serious thing before (which y/n honestly respects) but his voice is incredible, and he can certainly act amazingly even without any experience in theater.

kim taerae is practically flawless. he's beautiful, he's funny, he's talented, well spoken, y/n could probably listen to him sing for hours and not get bored he swears on his life—

alright, now this just sounds like a rant on how y/n is totally and mortifyingly in love with kim taerae.

which is totally not true! he isn't in love with kim taerae at all!

he just loves every single little thing about him, enjoys spending time with him whenever he can, will listen to him ramble on and on, will listen to him sing and simply admire his voice the whole time, or just admire his face and poke his dimples because he finds taerae to be one of the most beautiful men he thinks he's ever seen in his life.

but he's not in love with him, that would be absurd! that would be crazy.

"zoning out on closing night is crazy" jay mutters, lightly nudging y/n, who was busy admiring taerae. "jesus when'll you ask him out?"

"i have no idea what your talking about".

park hanbin peaks from behind lee jeonghyeon, giggling. "aw, y/n has a crush?"

"i do not, jay's just crazy" y/n states flatly, he hopes hanbin can't see the fact that his face is turning red, it's just the heat in the room! yeah just the heat in the room!

"uh huh, like you weren't looking at kim taerae with lovestruck eyes".

"yeah no you guys are crazy".

jeonghyeon stares at y/n like he's crazy, clearly not buying his act, and y/n glares at jeonghyeon, crossing his arms. "sure y/n, and would you look at that, your lover boy!"

"my what—"

y/n isn't able to finish his sentence when he's lightly pushed forward and he bumps into taerae, how great, he curses at jay in his mind but smiles as soon as taerae looks up at him.

"y/n i was looking for you!"

"you were?"

"i was!" taerae claps his hands. oh my fucking god he is so pretty y/n is trying so hard not to faint with taerae so close, they've been this close before obviously, but it's just so much more different like this, especially tonight, on closing night. "just wanted to talk to you, before the final performance, obviously".

y/n chuckles, feeling like a teenage girl talking to her crush or something. he feels oddly giddy, and it's very embarrassing, but he can't think about that right now. "oh my god, don't sweat it your gonna do great".

"i—" taerae pauses, grabbing y/n's hands, he opens his mouth but then doesn't speak, a little nervousness taking over him, but that's expected, he's doing the lead singing part. "yeah, i know, it's just closing night, and that gets everybody pretty emotional and the stakes are pretty high tonight, you know? i'm just nervous and all—"

"taerae" y/n cuts in, and taerae hums, blinking as he stares up at the other. y/n can't form words for a moment because taerae just looks so.. pretty, god he's going to die. "i have watched every single performance of yours, every single practice, i know you, i know how you are, and i know that your very talented, your going to do amazing".

taerae looks dumbstruck, like he'd just been told the secrets of the universe or something. he just pauses as he stares at y/n, with his wide, pretty eyes that seem to be shining. y/n can't tell what kind of look he's being given, and with the way taerae is staring, simply frozen, worries him a bit.

taerae finally laughs, still holding onto y/n's hands, just swinging them back and forth. "i— your so corny" he looks away, face red. "but thank you, i'll take those words into account".

"were up in five!"

taerae blinks, looking back to y/n for one last time. "okay, that's my cue, do well sound guy".

taerae stands on his tippy toes, leaning forward to press a kiss onto y/n's cheek. he gives him one bright dimpled smile before walking away, giving no explanation for that action.

y/n just stands there, in awe, his face is burning, his face is red, holy shit he probably looks like an idiot right now, but how does one normally function after an action like that? he blinks a few times, just trying to process what just happened.

"y/n! come on places!"

"oh— yeah! coming!"

sniffling, sobbing, sad laughing, happy tears, and crazy hugs. again, y/n has seen this all before, closing night is usually very depressing, and for some reason, the air after the performance ends and all the actors get backstage saddens him.

it could just be because he's a senior and the nostalgia could be hitting him hard, he's leaving next week, then it's off to college and student debt. some of the pre-production crew even get emotional, and y/n finds himself comforting them as they cry.

still, his mind is focused on one person.

he was distracted by taerae the whole time, and to be fair, who wasn't? taerae was amazing, he hit pretty much every note there was to hit, and his acting was simply flawless, y/n found himself smiling every time he came onstage.

so, as he listens to the talking, the sobs, the sniffles, and watches the tightening hugs, y/n's eyes naturally look for taerae, not spotting him at all.

well he doesn't have to look hard.

"hi!"

"ah!"

y/n lightly jumps, startled by taerae and his loud voice. he calms down and smiles as he looks at taerae, who looks like he's on the verge of tears. "gosh, don't scare me like that, taerae".

taerae giggles. "you were right, everything went well".

but as y/n stares at taerae, he seems to begin crumbling, like he's trying to hold in his tears yet can't do it. and he can't, because taerae breaks down and pulls y/n into a tight embrace.

"oh, oh my god, are you okay?"

taerae sniffles, just burying his face into y/n's shirt, and y/n allows it, letting his shirt be stained by taerae's tears. "i— i don't know it's just very hard not to cry during a time like this and i feel like i gave it my all and—"

taerae can't continue, he simply sobs into y/n's shirt, holding onto him like he'll slip from his reach if he lets go. "you know, rae, i am so proud of you, you did so well".

y/n rests his chin onto taerae's head, running his hand up and down his back, a smile coming to his face. "you worked so hard, and you did so well, i'm so proud of you, i'm so happy to have you, i love you".

he's too into the moment to realize what he's saying, but taerae clutches onto him again, taking a deep breath.

"i— i love you too y/n".

what a happy ending, huh?

[queensbrother]

interview tag!

rules: answer the questions and tag 20 blogs you are contractually obligated to know better!

tagged by @baguettemagiqu7 thank you!! c:

- nickname: cass 

- pronouns: she/her

- star sign: capricorn

- height: 5′5″/168cm

- time currently: i started this at 6:16pm, went and made dinner then stared at the last question for ages so it’s 9:24pm now

- when is your birthday: january 13

- favorite bands/groups:  oh god um?? recently i’m not so sure? maybe dnce? bastille? otherwise if i look waaay back there’s always... linkin park... fall out boy... mcr... lol 

- favorite solo artists: according to my spotify thing last year it was shawn mendes lmao (maybe avicii for real though :( ...also does he count as a solo artist?) 

- song stuck in your head: i’m listening to music rn so it’s whatever’s playing in my playlist. so at this moment: kryptonite by rymez/james arthur 

- last movie watched: the end of the new mortal kombat because my parents had it on and i can’t remember the last movie i watched in full before that OH WAIT it might have been the untamed - fatal journey 

- last show you binged: what we do in the shadows

- when you created your blog: according to postlimit.com........... september 2010 LMAO (i mean i kind of took a break for a couple years tbf but still) 

- last thing you googled: “when did i start my tumblr blog” (also "dream burger" because i saw something on my dash today)   

- other blogs: tbh i don’t really update them anymore besides @arogueelf occasionally? but i GUESS @shakarian is the only real “active” one i have (though it’s just a queue of reblogs that comes out like once a day haha)

- why you chose your url: queensbrother is like a sort of title given to uldren sov in destiny lore sooo (and it was between this or bastarion and as much as i’d like an astarion related url i am not a huge fan of that one lol) 

- do you get asks: not really! the last time i got some was when i wasn’t really using tumblr but now it’s a bit awkward to answer them :x but i will try to answer any new ones??

- how many people are you following: 303 

- how many followers do you have: i’ve had this blog for over a decade apparently and i’m sure most people are like gone but it’s uh 1436 :x also im sorry if you ever followed me for one of my old fandoms

- average hours of sleep: 3-5 lol 

- lucky number: 6 or 17

- instruments: i wanted to learn to play guitar once upon a time 

- what I’m currently wearing: a yellow dress 

- dream job: video game story/lore/character writing would be really cool 

- dream trip: europe!! or japan! basically where i wanted to go for my honeymoon but we didn’t get a chance to. maybe one day~

- favorite food: cheeseburgers 

- favorite song: of all time? probably iris by the goo goo dolls 

- top three fictional universes you’d like to live in: hmm this is hard! like animal crossing would be great, and actually i’d be down to live in the last city/destiny-verse (but as a guardian so technically i’d be undead haha) and... i genuinely have no idea. like my brain is like “faerun?” because what else have i been thinking of lately? but i feel like faerun is kind of a mess? but i could learn magic and there are elves so that’s neat? but there are also monsters everywhere and i feel like there’s always some cataclysmic event happening somewhere so i don’t know if it would be ideal. maybe TAZ Balance’s version would be kind of nice?

TAGGING: 20 people is so many... uhh @ocheeva and @dalish-spectre​ if you want? ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿

[dulharpa]

this is for hayley! @whistlingwillows a dear friend <3333

it’s meant to be a birthday present haha. i just want to shower you in love;;; so thought maybe i could go through as many of your fics and comment on them :^)))

(TO EVERYONE ELSE: please go to @whistlingwillows blog and read her fics!!! they are SO FCKIN GOOD AND AMAZING AND UGH HER MIND (it’s a lot of mcu and her bucky and steve fics are a*. i DEFINITELY RECOMMEND))

i wish you a VERY happy birthday and i hope we stay friends for many more years <3333333333 

i’m going through your masterlist heehee ;)))

ah first off, nice theme! i never could rlly see it before because i’m always on mobile heehee. also sorry for not reviewing them before??? i don’t usually read fics on tumblr as you’ve probably guessed;;

anyways, IM GON REVIEW THE SHIT OUT OF THESE >:DDDD

far from home -  bucky x stark sister!reader

firstly, i like how youre introducing the reader from buckys pov, like you can sort of already gather what shes like from them

‘Bucky can hear Tony’s soft inhale, feel the intensity of the man’s glare directed at Steve. He shouldn’t be eavesdropping, but a twitch of muscle would be enough to alert both men that he’s here. With the amount of tension crackling in the air, a brush against the wall would be equivalent to a thousand cymbals crashing in cacophony.’

IM CRYING ALREADY. the imagery in here is GLORIOUS. your tone here is so fitting! oo and the alliteration here is perfecto

ooooooo!! the backstory coming in  👀👀

‘despite what some people think that Steve and Captain America are two different personas, there will always be parts of Steve in the Avenger, and parts of the Avenger in Steve. They both want to believe in something good. They are, after all, one in the same.// Just as how Bucky and the Winter Soldier are the same man despite everything. HYDRA simply amplified the hate, fertilized the seeds of rage, curated the quiet thunder within his soul, within James Buchanan Barnes so that the Winter Soldier could thrive.’

yIKES! lol this is very character study like! nICE. it hurts tho, my poor children, i love you both 

oo ‘starlight eyes’ that is a very nice way of describing them

‘“Then what was London?” The protesters. “São Paulo?” The earthquake. “Vancouver?” Freezing cold water.//“Look, I care if Stark’s gonna run us over trying to find her. I care enough because she’s part of our team. Come off it, Steve. I know she can take care of herself. I’m gonna take a nap. Dr. Cho said no partying post-Singapore and what do you know, we throw the biggest party ever.’

ooo singapore uwu and london? (coincidence? haha jkjk) and the hints abt reader and buckys background are so good?? but so annoying??? like i just wanna KNOW yknow?? 

‘The water runs copper and the sting bites at his palm as he tries not to think. Tries to focus on the numbing cold that runs over his skin.’ 

your imagery is so vivid?? im actually in awe??? i am so regretful i havent kept reading your fics. like i know they are amazing, i just keep putting them off??? idk man. hopefully this makes up for it (gd tho, im still not done with commenting on one fic. this is what im doing with my motivation teehee ;)

‘ He feels weak. Tired. He wants to go back to bed but he also wants to stay out in the sun for a few hours more. The sun kisses his skin through the windows and he squints against the blue sky, wondering ‘

mood during this quarantine lol

‘“Oh, right.” Your voice is flat, uninterested, cold, as you stare at him. “You killed my parents.”Shit.‘

 OUCH LMAO THATS C O L D, O GOT +100 PHYSIC DAMAGE FROM JUST READING THAT

ooo robin as a nickname noice. very much gives me batman vibes lol

oh! and the way of doing the ‘flashback’ is neat! very original. it both tells us what happened AND buckys reaction to it again. he can re-analyse himself and reader. very cool

‘If you walk away now, don’t bother coming back!” Silence. Bucky can hear his own strained breathing, your soft sigh as you soaked in his ultimatum.’

👀👀 yikes that ultimatum. :// not good bucky. tbf theyre both trying to hurt each other but Yikes

eyy!!! readers pov!! finally! and the switch after we find out the outsiders pov? brilliant

oh no :(( more angst

‘When’s the last time you saw your therapist?”“Don’t have one. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”’ they BOTH need therapists;;;;

very good fic!!! :DD they rlly do hate each other! i definitely like how you went back and forth with the timeline! it gave me a v strong idea on what yn was like even before we rlly got introduced. i am now very curious on where reader is? i love your characterisations! 

i will read the 10k+ fics but heck the last one took me ages lolol (i will comment in the future tho!! i promise <3 ) (that took me over an hour jjhghgdjh)

slipping away- amnesiac modern bucky x reader

omg,,, AMNESIA! >:DDDDDD

‘ Put your fucking seatbelt on’

oh no, istg theyre going to have a car crash arent they (’ doesn’t put the seatbelt on to spite you.’ NO PLEASE PUT IT ON U DUMBASS)

ok,,,,, at LEAST he put it on before he got hit, thank heck. but still. youre so cruel to your poor characters lmaoo

oh gosh

‘You fall apart slowly, like pieces of you peeling away until you’re nothing more than your broken heart. The sobs that wrack your body are relentless and you shove your forearm into your mouth to muffle your cries. You want to bite into your skin. You want to distract yourself from the agony tearing you to shreds. You want to feel anything but the pain.///Tears sweep into your hair, cloud your vision and your whole face floods with heat as you try to breathe through the pain. You’re cleaved into pieces on that bed, eyes squeezed shut as the tears keep flowing, and your throat burns’

this hurts damn, it is so vivid?? i can really feel it 

i am so glad you got into writing yk?? so glad

NO PLS, TELL HIM. TELL HIM :((( ‘shes nice once you get to know her?? shes known nat for years now!! years!!

oh god ‘he looks younger without the burden of your time together’ this is so angsty omg

‘Well, he was stumbling through his apology and I just let him finish.” Your body fills with warmth as you remember his embarrassed smile, the way he shoved his baseball cap farther down his head, chin tucked to his chest, trying to hide that face. “When he was done, I opened my mouth to say something polite but what came out was ‘You look like someone I’d very much like to kiss’.”

this is so soft i stg im crying in the club

OH SHITTTTTTTTTTT , you left it off like that!!! thats so cruel!!!! i can’t!!! how dare you!!!! :””””””((( im typing this with tears in my eyes ill have u know!!

anyway!!! very good fic!! you could honestly make that into a longfic very easily lol. i felt too many emotions :(( 

i was just about to say where is the fluff!! where is it!! when i saw the next one and yay :))) pls i cant have more angsty stuff rn

.

cookies and rings and things bucky and reader

‘how much do you love me?’ ‘count the snowflakes, multiply by a million’

did you have to start the fic off with such a SOFT line? its so soft! so TENDER 

‘He wonders what kinda insane person wears socks without any clothes on, but then decides that it’s the kind of person who’s fallen in love with him.’  jesus, the soft moments filled with love are the greatest <3

you can write fluff so well, whyd you have to pain me with all that angst ;””””) (1/10 hurt, 9/10 comfort is the way to go lolol) (jkjk ill read the angsty ones too when i have the spoons) (gonna reread that hydra steve one and ik thatll fuck me UP)

‘ Then, he can feel the cold metal of the ring she slid onto her own finger less than twenty-four hours ago and realizes that he had thought a lot of things shouldn’t be possible, and yet they still are. ‘

you literally brought me to tears reading this softness, you have truly found my weakness

‘ She’s so damn gorgeous with flour on her face and eye bags beneath her eyes that he’s sure she will inevitably make his heart burst ‘

he already likes her so much! i can’t believe this is affecting me so much :’)

‘Bucky is quite sure Sam is in love with his girlfriend in the fact that he’s in love with the fact that his girlfriend is possibly in love with Bucky’

this is so soft??? sam loves reader bc reader loves bucky sm. pls my hear <3333

you do fluff SO WELL DAMN 

‘F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s voice echoes in his small little perch and he still thinks it’s weird without having the side effect of Stark in his suit chasing after him to hear the A.I. but he shoves that uncomfortable feeling of the dead man out of his head. That is too much regret to unpack right now on a mission. ‘

yike bringing back that reminder oof

but thats so soft??? (i am def overusing soft but,,,,, i love it and the vibe) she sent him cookies! god i can feel the love  

‘She expresses her feelings through cooking, which Bucky has learnt the hard way. One time, they got into an argument over something stupid—he can’t even remember what started it—and came to the kitchen at 2AM to see her sitting at the kitchen island crying her eyes out and surrounded by baskets of muffins.’

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 my hEART

you show how much they love each other in so many ways??? i am dying

“Alright, I like it.” Rolling his eyes, he pecks her forehead and she smiles victoriously. It’s so adorable that Bucky, with less than three hours of sleep, adds, “God, I want to marry you.//”“What?”//Oh.Shit.

oh my god! i am literally tearing up!!! AGAIN!!!!!!!!

oh shit o am literally crying

your fluff got me crying harder than your angst i hope youre happy

I really hope you enjoy reading this?? i keep forgetting to like text you but i wanted to do something for your birthday. especially in quarantine when everythings gone crazy. one year i swear ill do something REALLY good for you. not making promises bc i hate if i dont. but ill like, learn how to podfic because you D E S E R V E  I T 

ive spent like three hours doing this lolol 

thank you so much for everything hayley!

[zombutt]

Your military based OCs inspire me to want to make one, but I'm nervous about that kind of stuff being inaccurate about facts D: How do you do it?

Hello!!Oh man, thank yoU ❤️. And YES, join the heist!I will put it under read more; since I wanna answer your question best to my ability, a.k.a extensively.

OKAY, SO, to answer your question: I’d gone through the same ordeal and it can be a struggle. I didn’t know much about the military except for the scarce tidbits you can find online, but, there are few ways you can educate yourself in that aspect:First of all, the very basics. What nationality your OC is, where will they serve, what were they like growing up and what made them join, etc; it might seem trivial at first, but trust me, it’s important.What I suggest doing is, if your OC happens to be, say, British, you can search up reputable British authors (preferably former soldiers or SoO) and pick books specifically describing combat maneuvers. Keep in mind, however, that those are largely made up scenarios inspired by real events; still, they provide valuable insight as to how specific groups operate (a bit of a hit or miss that one, but it’s better than nothing).Then there are authors, who, given their broad knowledge and experience, pile it all up and provide you a guide of sorts. Usually, there’s a thorough description of the inner structure, chain of command, the history behind the unit and the reason for its formation, preferred weapons and equipment, the selection process, and so on. I find these to be immeasurably valuable, especially once you are satisfied with your initial draft.Therefore; if you have an idea already in mind, go with it and then search up the bits and pieces of information online before you supplement it with additional literature.If you want to come up with a soldier from the eastern part of Europe, books detailing the Russian army will do for the most part (the post-soviet countries that is; the military structure’s been largely untouched since that period). The writers/titles I can suggest on top of my mind are:Supervivencia - “CCCP Red Army Special Forces Spetsnaz”Viktor Suvorov - “Spetsnaz”Mark Galeotti - “Spetsnaz - Russia’s Special Forces”William H. Burgess - “Inside Spetsnaz: Soviet Special Operations”For British SAS, I’ve found John Wiseman’s “The SAS Survival Handbook” to be of great use (he has a really extensive bibliography for that very purpose tbf)If we’re talking about hired guns, a.k.a Soldiers of Fortune and all corporate manners of mercs, my two hot takes:Peter W. Singer - “The Private Military Industry and Iraq: What have we learned and where to next?”Christop Kinsey - “Corporate Soldiers and International Security, The Rise of Private Military Companies (2006)”The third option, which can be either a very frustrating experience or a goldmine; join forums where retired soldiers and vets offer their fair share of experience.If you do, keep in mind that people who join these are folks aspiring to become recruits one day; so having me prep a thread in there and explain as to why I did was met with various reactions at the time. Few members seemed weirded out, while others were delighted to see I wanted to be precise in my fiction and were very eager to help. I have compiled a massive doc for personal use thanks to’em, and the experience altogether was very satisfying; everyone was super kind and pleasant to deal with. Lastly; I can offer a bit of a small trivia that might help get you started:- There is a cultural gap between East and West, and that, too, affects the military structure and people’s view on it. I find West to be extremely formal, as they treat the army as a separate way of life. It’s a completely different take in the East; the army is actually viewed favorably upon (same applies to Poland, though we’re right in the center we used to be part of the Soviet Union. You could say we have this weird mixture of both mindsets intertwined together). 

Oddly enough, this also seems to affect how the soldiers themselves tend to behave? It’s a weird statement, I know, but I happen to see Russian/Ukrainian/Polish soldiers much more easy-going and open to discuss the cons and pros behind their job. Westerners usually skip the subject altogether or give very vague answers (especially if they’re part SoF)- Not every special force soldier is a black belt.CQC (Close Quarter Combat) adds up to around 25-36 hours per the whole training course, therefore it boils down to pure essentials and bare grind. Soldiers are taught how to tackle down their opponent quickly and efficiently; it’s all about speed. There’s no such thing as self-defense techniques; that’s the kind of unrealistic horseshit you get from Hollywood movies. Additionally, there are no secret techniques regarding hand-to-hand combat. Krav Maga, despite the popular opinion, is not that special. It’s neither good nor bad, but nothing sets it apart. If you happen to get a hold of a SoF, they will admit that the best techniques stem from… MMA.

I’m dead serious; hear me out.MMA, in all fairness, is a system that compiles the best moves of all available techniques out there. A combination of MMA and BJJ (especially the latter) seems to be favored by a wide variety of Western forces due to its effectiveness. As far as you are concerned, you want to tackle your opponent down the moment you see them (speaking strictly of unarmed combat) - render them vulnerable. For some cool trivia; look up the involvement of Gracie Brothers and Delta Force (and the logos for both; Delta Operators and Gracie Jiu-Jitsu School )Keeping that in mind, it’s worth noting that CQC can be referred to combat that takes place at 100 meters or less; so gunfights are in!- Special Operation Forces are very, VERY quirky people! I noticed everyone has this belief that operators tend to be serious, no-nonsense people that fear nothing and no one.Let me tell you, that’s an exaggerated statement. During my time at the forums, I’ve met a handful of people that claimed to be SoF and few even provided actual proof. Regardless, some of them asked me very throughout questions about the nature of my fic (good morning I want to RP a realistic soldier, huge fan thanx) and apologized in advance in case I found all the attention overwhelming. I asked whether or not a trait like that is common amongst their colleagues, to which they replied that it depends on the person more or less, but it’s not an isolated occurrence! Normally you want to figure out your surroundings and adjust well enough, adapt so to speak; if you can learn something new, they’re all in for it - it may come in handy sooner or later. And they really do grasp stuff quick, fuck me.In general, they are polite, quiet and laid back people. There were one or two cases of somewhat “arrogant” fellows I’ve had to deal with, but it was nothing too drastic IMO.- Soldiers who claim to fear nothing and no one. Doesn’t happen; unrealistic af. In fact, there was this one interview, where a Blackwater executive admitted to having turned down so many potential employees exactly because of that. A man who thinks himself fearless is not only delusional but becomes a liability to himself and his own unit. In fact, most recruitment officers are in favor of hiring already married soldiers; these men will always take fewer risks and make for a more compelling fighting force in the end.- Whether an ordinary ground troop or all-out skilled SoF, no man can singlehandedly cause havoc or prevent it. Another Hollywood trope so to speak; one-man army. It simply doesn’t happen. 

-RPing/writing about soldiers includes, besides occasional gunfights, figuring out basic medical terminology and educating yourself about respective procedures for each sustained injury.- SoF soldiers usually excel at two roles; a single special forces operator can be both a remarkable marksman and a field medic.- Humor is essential - it helps elevate pressure in between skirmishes.

- PTSD doesn’t always boil down to sheer anxiety and sleep insomnia. A PTSD can well enough turn into an OCD of sorts; looking out of a window for hours on end despite having no reason to do so, counting your possessions, hoarding objects of no importance. It can be very personal or right at your face- Some individuals find themselves unable to retire early; the bond between them and their unit, the belief of doing something good (or of putting themselves to better use out there) and constant adrenaline rush are too appealing of an option to refuse. IMO it’s completely normal if you consider the following: those people had worked together for a couple of months and under extremely hazardous circumstances. 

Danger brings people together, it’s only natural; all of you want to survive and help one another while doing so, having formed a prior bond.

All in all, everyone’s different and everything can influence your OC’s choices and decisions, hence why I feel having come up with their backstory, such as nationality and alike, shortens the process significantly; you know where to look at and for what.

Hope you’ve found my lil wall of text useful! In case you’re in need of literature for that exact purpose, feel free to shoot me a message!

[besmirchthis]

this was a couple years ago, i guess.

i think about this a lot. partly maybe because it’s a kind of representation slash particular manifestation of a bunch of things that’ve fucked with me. partly because i guess i haven’t talked it out enough. partly because… well. there’s a path for thinking there, but we’ll put it aside for now.

first off, i’m sure the place i’m going to grouse about works for some people, has served some people well or at least all right, etc.  i don’t know for sure; i’m not going to go seeking that right now.

but like.

god. so the gist of it is that during my final semester of creative writing grad times, i agreed to go to this ed recovery center place. i didn’t WANT to - i deeply didn’t want to leave kristine or laramie - but the timing worked as well as any, i did wanted to get some of my act together, and i had the insurance to cover most of the cost, so. so okay. so i went.

and the gist is that it was fucking wretched, or i found it wretched.

the gist is that i found myself unheard or/and misunderstood or/and ignored.

the gist is that everything in me reacted against that place, left me feeling fucked in that place, and that over and again i was told to endure it. left to feel like it didn’t wound me the goddamn way it did.

i fucking. hate it. i hate that fucking place; i hate the people who kept me in there.

it isn’t that i didn’t try to give the place a chance. like yeah negative goddamn reaction from day one, but i fucking tried. and kept trying. and let myself be talked into staying longer, then longer, every goddamn day rending me.

i didn’t feel okay there. i rarely felt anywhere close to okay there.

i disagreed with… so fucking much about their philosophy? also about the ways certain aspects of eating and eating particular foods were framed like. i’m not going to talk about that here but just. there were some insidious messages woven in here and there and many, many places.

this may have been just me with people, but as far as i can recall, i rarely felt comfortable in group therapy sessions; there was always i think more performance in it than i liked. (i mean on my part. i mean partly because i couldn’t just keep talking about how Wrong the place felt to me, how fucking badly i wanted to needed to leave because 1) nobody in treatment needs to hear much of that probably 2) i absolutely didn’t need to hear more of my peers telling me ‘oh u just need to keep waiting you’ll see’ and 3) idk just like… i don’t know i had a three, it’s gone, whatever.) i don’t. feel like going into that further, so whatever, here i go, move along.

related: i was fucking. frustrated and at times nearly infuriated with myself, because it was easy to frame myself as someone Who Was Willfully Resisting Treatment or Who Didn’t Want To Get Better or Who Was Being A Bad Patient (which hahahaha is fuckinggg bullshit anyway heY). like ‘oh no why can’t i just focus on RECOVERY and do what i’m here to do?’ OH YOU KNOW WHAT? IF YOU’R FOCUSING ON HOW TERRIBLE THIS PLACE MAKES YOU FEEL, THERE’S PROBABLY A GOOD REASON!!!

and again, and again: ‘you need to focus on other things.’ ‘it’s fine.’ ‘sometimes treatment is uncomfortable.’ ‘you’ll see.’

like look fellas, pals, i am and i was real sick of this eating disorder bullshit, all right? i’m sure some part of me is clinging to some parts of it, but like. i wanted to improve my shitty relationship with myself and whatever with food. i want to connect to me, and i was fucking looking for ways to do it, ASKING for goddamn help in finding those ways.

and the aid provided was just. not enough. not nearly enough.

like ‘oh you can go sit in your room for an hour at x time (never mind the loud fucking fan in there that fucks with your comprehension) but really this is going to count against you even though we won’t TELL you that until you return to group and we’re like OH YOU ARE IMPROVING LOOK AT YOU BEING AROUND PEOPLE’ like hi fuck you but i don’t need to. socialize the ways you want or participate in all of these fucking groups i feel little belonging in to goddamn be ‘improving’ or whatever.

like ‘here have some earplugs’ okay i’ll try okay guess what THIS IS STILL NOT HELPING.

like mostly, like primarily ‘journal about it! give it another week! you’ll feel more at home!! you just need to give it time!!!’

at no point (i don’t think? i know i forget a lot of things but also if it did happen it was fleeting) did anyone on my treatment team seem to seriously entertain like. the idea that maYBE THIS PLACE WAS JUST NOT GREAT FOR ME. probably it would’ve helped for me to like. set myself up to enter some other program, but the entire Being There thing shook me enough and tbh tbf did set me up with some strategies so that i felt capable of going the fuck back home. (also lmfao like i had money to enter another program, hm.) and also? and also. i wasn’t near like. an actual danger point.

oh and by the way i loved, really super loveD the way my therapist kept questioning my relationship with kristine like. yes i know i talked about her a lot BECAUSE I WAS FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT HER and because i’m a sentimental shithead and like look we’ve had our whatever bumps of figuring things out but she’s super fucking supportive of me and in general i think we do a lot of good for each other? and this therapist was just. clearly super doubtful, hinted and hinted in a ‘this is unhealthy’ way that ours was a codependent relationship and my dudes, i do NOT care for the directions she seemed to be heading in.

also just. therapy sessions - individual as well as group - weren’t helpful to me, and from the sounds of it i had one of the less objectionable therapists. i tried to express this a few times, but she’d be like ‘oh we’ll get to that eventually.’ ‘oh, there’s no rush.’ like excuse me wait are you like?? just kind of pacing out your time according to a certain schedule like what the fuck this isn’t helping so i’m supposed to?? wait another three weeks and maybe, MAYBE then we’ll get to something moderately useful?

like holy shit every session felt useless felt like i was being pulled in directions i didn’t care for felt like i was being scarcely tolerated and you know what i get that it was probably tiresome listening to me talking over and again about how terrible i felt just being in that place, but mayyybe you could have listened to what and why i was saying, rather than continuing to brush it off as ‘deal with it’ and ‘oh sometimes people feel that way at first’ and ‘no i don’t think you know what you want.’ also hi that wasn’t the only thing i tried talking about but you were helpful ummm literally never bye.

and like. thinking on said therapist, there were certain… malevolences, subtle but working their way through her and a would-be ig quirky persona and like. it did not feel great. i did not feel great, anyway.

rarely did i feel even remotely okay in that place. and i know treatment centers aren’t fuckin. famous for being comfortable or whatever but like the alienation i felt was just… it wasn’t entirely related to like. my relationship to myself generally or to my relationship to my body or. i mean. shit and shit and shit, i have a hard time getting at the core of this, or anywhere close to it. my alienation felt very specific to that place, and most everything left me feeling further fractured, fragmented. like i was being taken into pieces and not in ways that worked toward rebuilding. like i was being or allowing myself to be erased with a glance.

i have a history of, i guess, being quietly devastated by other people. particularly people who are supposed to being providing some kind of care.

and it feels strange to me, hearing in a place of supposed recovery that what i’m asking is too much, that i’m just not trying the right way, that my instincts are wrong.

can i fucking. tell you something about my gut instinct, trauma-honed as it’s been for decades? IT TENDS TO BE REAL FUCKING ACCURATE. especially when i meet someone face-to-face or am physically in a place. like. look, i doubt myself about a lot of things, but my reactions are usually pretty solid.

and every impulse in me. every goddamn instinct was telling me GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. fucking shouting it within the first hour of being there, and yes i told myself give it a few days, give it a week, because yes sometimes you can get used to things or i can. but this? the shouting continued. it was like. a constant fucking battle to muffle this impulse almost the entire time i was there.

like yes, once in a while i was able to convince myself that things were getting a little better and maybe it would be all right to stay after all. but most of that?? i think was like. trying to cling to the stasis of ‘oh this is life now why shake it up?’ because you know what else i’m real good at??? enduring shitty situations in which i feel like i’m being ignored slash my needs aren’t being met, ayyYYYYYYyy.

i’m sure there are things i’m mis-speaking here, misrecalling. but the overall of it feels right. i am… angry. and i am not angry often.

okay also this feels and felt like a minor gripe but also it… really wasn’t? and maybe it simply wasn’t possible to change but like. look it fucked with me, whatever. point being that there was a very large, very loud air vent in my room. and like. i have a hard time concentrating slash functioning slash processing anything where there are constant loud noises happening. (cold’s nearly as bad; no amount of layering keeps me from shutting down in chill.) it wears me out and i cannot, 100% cannot relax. and like I FEEL SO SHITTY BITCHING ABOUT OH NO A LOUD VENT IN MY ROOM but it amped my anxiety up, made talking on the phone real fucking difficult, made writing reading thinking pretty much impossible. every time i told them they were like ‘what can ya do’ or ‘try the earplugs’ but like. whatever. anyway.

something else: i was thirsty all. the fucking. time. which 100% happened the first time i was in treatment, and after like two months of hospitalization they were like OH HUH I GUESS YOU DID NEED MORE WATER ALL ALONG like thanks guys okay. but yeah this treatment center was round two for thaT. i brought it up multiple times, spaced out over days or weeks or fuck if i know. and it was brushed off like ‘no you’re not.’ or ‘live with it.’ or ‘your urine looks fine in the morning so there’s nothing to worry about.’ like cool story fuckos and i get that maybe you think you have reasons for caution but it doesn’t change the fact that i am always thirsty and thirsty in that like painful way? i am just asking for like?? one small extra water drink even once a day? …no? cool. thanks.

i did my shitty journaling, you assholes. i tried to communicate. and do you know what i heard? nothing, nothing, fucking nothing week after week.

and ha. HA. when i did finally screw myself up to leave? when i reached the ‘you know what i can’t keep living like this i have other places to fucking be where i can be me and work on healing with the people i was working with before this’? my treatment team dove hard and heavy into a campaign of ‘oh but if you leave against medical advice, your insurance might make you pay for everything!!’

over. and over. and over.

what i should have done was call my insurance. i’d say i don’t know why i didn’t, only lbr, i’m terrible at phone calls, terrible often at doing what needs to be done, and i was fucking scared like. i don’t know. i don’t fucking know. but i also don’t think anyone suggested that i contact my insurance? which?? is weird, in retrospect (or not weird at all). and like every goddamn day once i’d declared my intention to leave, they just kept hammering it in, and in, and in. and like, really?

i don’t know what the were told. what they might have heard, what they might have known, to what extent this might have been a scare tactic. but i eventually found out from my insurance that it was never going to be an issue. and like. i have some heavy fucking doubts about their intentions in taking that route so very, very hard.

i think there are other things i maybe meant to say.

mostly, i’m just tired. and angry. but too tired to write any more of the angry.

like hey, to be dismissed time and again. to be told my instincts are awry, when i goddamn know they’re telling truth. just.

thanks, fuckers. thanks for the terrible fucking trip.