#i have....so so many things to say but am emotionally overwrought at the moment

[septembersghost]

🎵 🎸🌠💖 don't fly away my beautiful bird 💖🌠🎸🎵

(aka pretend EP is actually in this because i was crying too much to get his face at the end, but look!!! my beloveds)

[inchidentally]

https://www(.)autosport(.)com/f1/news/stella-singles-out-exceptional-japan-f1-podium-as-piastris-2023-highlight-/10559510/

I think you've posted about Andrea Stella's relationships with Lando and Oscar before and I've been thinking about this and just needed to share my thoughts with someone.

when Oscar talks about his best weekends, its always Qatar where he felt like he really maximized his result and SIlverstone which he talks about as one of his most complete performances despite missing that podium.

When it comes to Japan and his first podium, it's like he's happy with the result and what that meant for the team, but it's not actually a weekend he reflects on super positively in terms of his race. I feel like he's never the one bringing it up, it's always like a reporter being like "and Japan?" and he's just like "yeah I guess that was nice too", but he doesn't really talk about it as a personal highlight (even though I'm sure he isn't like... upset over it, just not a performace he rates as his strongest).

all that to say I love that Andrea actually picks out his qualifying performace there as a highlight of his season, because it was! it just feels really subtlely supportive of him to bring up a moment that Oscar doesn't really talk about himself, and kind of got lost in all the comparisons or race pace between him and Lando.

idk i just needed to tell someone this lol

oh anon and I am so glad you shared it with me bc I wanna go offfff

truly this quote is the kind of thing I could see making Oscar feel emotional about and puff up with pride. it's the sort of meticulous score card that his big brained A-levels overachieving ass must eat up with a spoon:

"In terms of speed, in terms of capacity to learn very rapidly, in terms of collaborating with his engineers and extracting the information that he needs to grow so rapidly, in terms of his own awareness of where he is in the various stages to go from: ‘I know nothing about this track, first time in a Formula 1 car' to being P2 on the grid. And also the way he keeps himself calm, controlled – therefore always capitalising on his potential because he doesn’t create any unnecessary stress - that’s quite exceptional. And I can see why he was so successful in junior categories."

and god, the stern but loving dad role Andrea has taken with Lando and Oscar. especially when you think from Oscar's perspective how he was coming into a team fresh off of a dramatic court case and filling a seat that everyone - including Lando - was still deep in mourning over. from what I remember Oscar's "promo" by McLaren was more like something they'd do to announce a new reserve driver rather than Lando's new teammate. especially considering the weeks of emotionally overwrought posts and content about Daniel leaving. I'm guessing a lot of that had to do with trying to mitigate the comment sections turning rancid on any Oscar content (and I'm being generous saying that). but there was exceptionally low fanfare attending Oscar's arrival, especially considering him having such a scorching record coming up to F1.

so for someone like Andrea to come into his new role and choose to watch Oscar so closely when Oscar was honestly sort of - either ignored or still hated bc of Daniel and Alpine - during those races before Silverstone has come good in the huge revolution of public opinion about Oscar. Lando was already comfortably at home and only needed a little managing. side note I love how many times in challenges Lando would pretend to pout and say "Andrea said there has to be balance and fairness between teammates sooooo" akgfkasgs he had Lando's number already <3

but for all that Oscar has been a trooper about having to kind of operate without the kind of consistent found family that Lando has and dealt with the press and DTS dutch angle drama interviews in such a mature way idk. I feel like sometimes Oscar sees himself as only existing as one of the drivers once he's actually in the car. he's never found that footing of becoming one of the F1 personalities the way that even Logan has (thank you Williams and thank you Alex).

a lot of the time you could confuse Oscar's presence in the garage and the paddock with another engineer. and tbh when you consider how much of an online meme he was in F2 and F3 and how strong his twitter game was it definitely feels like he's intentionally suppressing his personality to maybe ? just get through his rookie F1 season with as little drama as possible. I've gone on and on and on abt how Prema Oscar would have made the perfect fan favorite dynamic with Lando the same way he was with Arthur or Robert. but Oscar's personality has only come out on camera a few times and otherwise he just watches Lando or stiffly gets through his own parts.

that's why I had to compile these instances of Andrea seeking Oscar out and being so incredibly tender with him. Lando is the always beloved child at McLaren and he absolutely earned that. but he was also definitely thrown by Oscar choosing to go so quiet and under the radar - I don't think in a bad way, but I will be interested to see the clips from DTS that haven't been chopped to hell so we can get a better glimpse of that.

but someone in higher authority than Lando needed to go out of their way to regularly remind Oscar that yes, he's One of The Big Boys and yes, McLaren is his home now. he has as much right as the rest of the drivers all feel to stand up and ask for what they want and speak for themselves and even cause a little trouble if they feel they need to. an F1 grid are always drama queens to some degree because they're basically the lead singers of a band. they had to as Lando rightly said "be fairly selfish" to get to their rarefied position. not that they're bad people at all, just that they have to treat themselves as of utmost importance in order to achieve the performance and mentality to even get a shot at F1. but not only is Oscar not naturally like that (his forms of self-care involve sleep and seeing friends lol) he certainly wasn't going to stir things up anymore than he already had.

but! what Oscar does have is incredible courage, unflappable calm and towering competitiveness. like I said once he gets in the car his focused self-belief overtakes everything else. the amount of times his rookie season it was down solely to the car or to other drivers that resulted in taking him out of a race or knocking him down the grid as opposed to pure rookie error or personal mistakes is amazing. and guess who said that back in August:

"For us being in this journey with Oscar, it makes it even more exciting, because it was very clear right from the start – the level of talent.

“Even the analytical behaviour, looking at things, trying to learn, and at the same time always remaining very calm. He is able to absorb things, execute things, always staying very calm, which I think is a strong point of Oscar.”

and guess who gives us some of the best insights to the kind of driver Oscar is when no one else can? (apart from sexy daddy Mark ofc)

“I think the quality which, if you want, maybe one of the key enablers [of] why he can grow so rapidly is just the man beyond the driver,” Stella told GP Blog. “He’s so calm. He’s so good at keeping himself in a status in which he can use the best of his talent.

“I don’t have that quality, I have to think very actively about ‘What am I thinking? What are my emotions?’ I have to think about my psychology to actively keep myself in the most productive state. For Oscar, this seems to come quite naturally. That’s the main enabler.

“I think he, potentially, has a natural gift. Or, maybe he worked throughout his young career through that. I don’t know. But, certainly, he’s remarkable. And even when I’ve seen great drivers currently or in the past, all of them sort of sometimes underperformed because they don’t stay in the status in which they give their best. I think, for Oscar, this is quite natural.”

oh and guess who also tells us the most about the fact that Lando has taken his role as established driver and leader seriously wrt Oscar and how well they've complemented each other?

“So Lando can say ‘ok, we can do this in this corner’, and so on. And likewise, obviously, for Oscar with Lando. The second element, which is remarkable this year, is how similar the comments are between the two drivers.

“And this is not only in the off-line debriefings, but it's also when the drivers come back after they run the first run during a session. They actually use the same terminology, like it looks like they are in communication before reporting their feedback.”

papa is giving his boys their props!! they did him proud and he's not going to hold back on telling the world!

and I even love how Lando and Oscar both choose Silverstone without any hesitation as their favorite race of 2023 and that Lando said how much Oscar deserved to be up there with him. that's exactly what Andrea had instilled in them and shows his values have fully sunk in.

you're absolutely right anon, we should never forget that Andrea is the one who went to Oscar when Oscar needed it and that Andrea established the team culture that has let someone like Oscar thrive at the same time as someone so different from him like Lando.

.

.

articles sourced:

[novantinuum]

On the corrupted!Steven theory...

So, originally when I mused on this yesterday I was just playing around with random possibilities.

After combing the series for info about corruption, though, I’m mildly spooked at the increased potential for this to... perhaps be a thing? I’m not saying that this is what I for sure believe will happen- to be honest, I’m not even sure Crewniverse would go this direction at all- but just for funsies, let’s see what kind of “evidence” or “foreshadowing” exists that might support this potential story path in the context of canon.

(EDIT: 10/7/19 

I honestly no longer think this creature is a worm at all whatsoever, it’s either more akin to a horned caterpillar or potentially has limbs. Either way we can see so little right now that it’s hard to tell. I’m not editing the rest of this post because I want it to exist in its original form- but do keep this in mind reading the rest! XP)

1) The design of this worm creature.

Let’s start simple. Let’s start tangible. 

For future reference and simplicity, I will be henceforth be referring to this creature as... “Wormy Boi.”

So, let’s see what we’ve got here. I’m definitely not the first person to point out this fella’s pink nature, and the jarringly human-like nose they’ve got. (Compared to other corruptions, which have had distinctly non-humanoid features.) In the photo above, we also have Wormy Boi sporting glowing pink eyes, which then send out a flare of pink light/energy. So, seemingly a powerful entity.

If you watch the short segment before they sit upright, you’ll see that Wormy Boi is super, super big. They’re in the background, but BOY do they loom. The shadows cast upon them especially push that sense of size. They’ve also got a whole bunch of spikes on their back and framing their face.

So, then. What evidence could be made for this being a corrupted!Steven, as opposed to some other run-of-the-mill monster?

Steven Universe Future is a limited series, described as ‘tying up loose ends.” To me, as a viewer, it would make far more sense for the antagonists/conflicts to deal with big concepts that have already been established since there’s such a limited amount of time we have left with this world. Introducing a completely alien species in the last act of the show would feel offbeat from both a writing and a viewing perspective. Corruption- on the other hand- is something we don’t have full answers to yet.

We don’t see any gem, yes- but Steven’s gem is- of course- on his belly. If this theory were to be true, that would translate to the gem being on Wormy Boi’s underside, far out of our sight in this shot, due to how massive they are. As an addition to this, not showing the gem gives an air of mystery to this creature’s true nature- which makes it seem like there’s something surprising to discover here.

A corrupted diamond would surely be MASSIVE. Also, very powerful. The beam of pink light hints at Wormy Boi being quite a powerhouse.

The spikes on Wormy Boi’s back and around their face highly resemble rose thorns. We all know how much the Crewniverse loves their rose symbolism, and design wise, this aspect would make a lot of visual sense for a corrupted Steven. Running off of that:

The face/nose shape and the five horns on this creature’s head give off a very Steven-like silhouette. 

The nose, of course. The face has a very Steven-like shape to it, overall- although noticeably more angular and sharp. The mouth is reminiscent of the Watermelon Stevens’ mouths. And as for the horns, there’s five of them positioned equidistant around their face, just as Steven’s hair is always formed from five lil’ bumps at the same positions.

Okay, moving on.

(Read more under the cut!)

2) We do not yet understand the true nature of corruption.

“I guess it’ll take more than a kiss to heal damage from the Diamonds…” -Pearl, Monster Reunion

Corruption is still- bafflingly- a huge mystery. The Gems we’ve watched the CGs bubble since season one have been healed, yes, but there are still many gaps in our understanding of it. With Steven Universe Future’s promise to address some lingering story threads, it would make sense if corruption was on the plate for further discussion. So, what DO we know?

We know it’s something the Diamonds can do. Interestingly, it doesn’t seem to require all four diamonds. Three of them together were able to cause all the damage to Earth. There’s also no statement made that more than one Diamond is required to cause effects like that. 

In Legs From Here to Homeworld, Blue and Yellow Diamond weren’t actually aware the corruption was something they were capable of producing. They seemed to assume they obliterated the Gems on Earth. Corruption is then, even a mystery to them. That’s... odd, isn’t it?

Pearl states that it’s “something nearly impossible to describe.” Garnet goes further to say... “It’s sorta like... if MC Bear-Bear didn’t tear the fabric of his arm, but the fabric of his mind.”

"A sound… A song?” There’s a lot of association between corruption and music.

It causes Gems to lose touch with their usual forms, instead warping into a more outwardly "monstrous” version of themselves that appear to be “just a bundle of fight-or-flight reflexes and survival instincts.” As seen by Centipeetle in Monster Buddy and Monster Reunion, it appears as if corrupted Gems try to regenerate with their original forms if unbubbled, but are simply not in a state where they can maintain that.

As seen with Jasper in Earthlings, extreme emotional distress very much seems to speed up corruption’s effects. This is less of a stated fact and more of my read on that episode, but I believe it to be an important tidbit, especially since Garnet states that corruption’s damage is mental rather than physical, at least at its core. This can also be seen in Monster Reunion with how Centipeetle’s partial healing backfires when she remembers the trauma of being corrupted and reacts strongly.

Now, when it comes to healing corruption, Steven tries to heal Centipeetle himself, and does make some nice progress... helping her regain a hold on herself as he treats her with love and compassion and understanding... but it’s ultimately not a healing that can occur in isolation, helping her on his own. She needs more support before she can heal from this corruption to a state where she can truly be herself again.

And that eventually comes in the form of the other Diamonds. So, all four diamonds can help relieve the corruption if they help these Gems all together. 

3) How could this theory potentially fit into the story anyways, you nutter?

Well, here’s the part of this post where I make some broad conjectures. I honestly am shooting fish into a barrel here because again- we know barely anything about how corruption actually happened initially, and my thoughts are very jumbled. Please forgive me.

"I don’t really know how the corruption works. It’s like they’re sick. They don’t remember who they used to be.” -Steven, Gem Hunt

So, corruption seems to be a mental ailment of Gemkind, turned manifest. It also seems to have a deep connection to a Gem’s emotions, with Centipeetle growing smaller and slightly calmer upon feeling more secure in Steven’s presence, and corruption speeding up as Jasper grew more and more emotionally overwrought and self-deriding about herself. 

When it comes to the Diamonds and how they perhaps caused it originally- without fully realizing- we know that at least Blue and White have abilities focused on causing others to act in certain ways. Blue has sway over one’s emotions, and White has a knack for forcing her thoughts and self upon others. (I’m not sure how Yellow’s ability would play in here.) Mayhaps, mixed with their grief and guilt and anger, their power simply pressed all of that hurt emotion onto all the Gems on Earth in one whole fail swoop...? Tearing their minds in the process of it all?

The question I still have, though- is whether a single diamond could produce effects like this. And whether a diamond could turn that ability on themself.

Could Steven accidentally corrupt himself? Why might that happen?

Well, let’s look at our boy here. 

He’s got a wide circle of support at this time in canon, but notably, he’s notorious for bottling up his emotion and not letting others in to help him- instead dropping everything to help them with their problems. Just to name a few examples (a few):

The Test. He feels betrayed and hurt at the Gems for a moment about the way they’re babying him with the rigged test, but instead of admitting the hurt he feels about the scenario, bottles that up to help them feel more like good guardians.

Joy Ride. He opens up to the Cool Kids about deep, incredibly troubling stuff that’s long been on his mind, but he’s never once talked about it with his family.

Mindful Education. The perils of bottling one’s emotions is literally the whole plot of the episode. The kid has a full out sobbing breakdown while he’s plunging to his death. Connie gets through to him a little here, but later episodes show that the resolution we see here is merely the tip of the iceberg when it comes to Steven’s internal issues. 

Storm in the Room. Externally, Steven tries so hard to put on a guise of content and positivity, but once alone in Rose’s room feels safe enough to let the full brunt of his emotional trauma come out in an almost explosive manner. Geeze, get this kid some hugs. 

Gemcation. Steven actually fails bitterly on putting on his customary smile in this episode, simply because the weight of his problems have become such an impossible burden to him. When the other Gems are trying to help him open up, he isn’t immediately responsive to their efforts. 

What’s Your Problem? Amethyst spends the whole episode trying to cheer Steven up and find out how he’s doing, and instead Steven downplays his own feelings on the matter and ends up helping her sort out her own emotional issues.

So to sum: Many an Emotional Issue, a chronic tendency to avoid outwardly addressing said issues in favor of helping everyone else instead... and to avoid accepting other people’s help.

Even if he’s surrounded by all these people who love him, the fact of the matter is that Steven still feels as if he has to face his own inner demons alone.

Now, let’s look at the lil’ teasing synopsis that was given for Steven Universe Future:

“After saving the universe, Steven is still at it, tying up every loose end. But as he runs out of other people’s problems to solve, he’ll finally have to face his own.”

Blatantly sounds like we’re gonna finally get some addressing of Steven’s emotional state, now doesn’t it?

4) A concept on what could, theoretically happen

“Maybe… it IS a guy in a monster costume. I don’t mean literally, silly! What I mean is... there might be a conscious Gem still inside there, somewhere. What if the monster is turning back and forth into its original form? If it is, it might not be as corrupted as we think! There might still be a chance to save it!” -Steven, Gem Hunt

Suppose Steven- by some as-of-yet unknown means- ends up accidentally corrupting himself. His sorry emotional state only further amplifies the effects of this corruption, and makes it really hard to retain control. Wormy Boi as a form could be like... all his inner demons made manifest, a metaphoric mirror into his current mental state. But- as he is half-human- he’s not entirely unaware of what’s happening. Perhaps... as the quote above could be sneaky foreshadowing for... how he’s turning back and forth between this corrupted form and his normal form. 

He likely wouldn’t want everyone to see him like this, doesn’t want everyone to visibly know the sheer depth of how much he’s hurting. But just like the corrupted Gems were only able to be helped in community, with the support of the CGs and the Diamonds in preparing the fountain, Steven can’t fix this on his own. 

He can no longer face the dark alone.

At some point, everyone has to take a brave step. Reach out. Accept help. 

Steven’s helped so many people, and surely he deserves that same love and care in return, too.

And perhaps, when he’s eventually healed from this- and has gotten the opportunity to be open with his family and friends about the hurt he’s facing- he’ll be left with “corruption scars” as well. I think it’s an important thing to address, that no one goes through experiences like these without lingering effects. Stuff stays with you. Healing is not always linear. But life is a continuous journey, and with the support of people who love you surrounding, you too can make a change... can continue to live to the fullest at every moment possible.

I think the above would be a lovely moral for Steven Universe to tackle in its last run of episodes, no matter how they approach it- daft corruption theory or not.

Now, in the end- a reiteration. This is just a wild theory. I’m not trying to be any authoritative voice saying that this is for sure what will happen, because in reality I have no idea what Crewniverse is cooking. However, I do think it’s fun speculation, and I am kinda spooked at how well things fit. 

Whatever happens, I’m sure it will make me weep like a baby, though. Hoh boy. Grant me sanity in these coming months as we wait for answers.

[self-ships-ahoy]

🎫 here's a gush pass! feel free to gush about whichever f/o you want, however much you want, then send this ask to 3 other selfshippers!

Do you have any idea how much I wanted to receive this?? How much I needed a pass right at this moment??? I’m doing it, I’m pressing E!!

MEDIC GUSH HOURS

I have a lot to say so if you want me to edit this with a cut I will. Cuz this will be LONG.

Oh where do I even start? I love him?? I can’t believe I thought this was familial, there is no going back to that. I’m honestly surprised I was able to suppress it for so long without noticing. I even remember hearing him and thinking what an appealing voice he has-- and not thinking anything of it?? Voices always have something to do with me falling for someone! It’s just how I am! But I’m so happy I realized what I truly felt before too much time passed. Now I can spend Christmas with him as his girlfriend! :D 

And speaking of his voice, it’s instant serotonin. Accents drive me crazy. His is ADORABLE. I love how he pronounces ‘-tion’ as a heavily accented ‘schun’, like dude that’s so German and I love it. The r’s coming from the back of the throat, w’s sometimes halfway between sounding like a v and a w, and...just the way he says his long o’s. X3 And do not get me started on those hilariously cute voice cracks. I once counted 3 in one sentence. Adorable. Can girls get Gomez Syndrome? Cuz when he speaks German it makes my heart go Uber.....and I never got the implant surgery. o///o

Ok...Idk if this is gushing or outing myself...but this man has no right to be this physically attractive. That chiseled jaw, that defined nose, those piercing, focused eyes...not to mention the man’s freakin ripped. The way his coat flows in the wind, how he rolls up his shirt sleeves just past the elbow... It’s been bothering me for days. He’s too good looking. It’s illegal. This is how he became a mercenary: killing people with his good looks. A doctor so attractive, they took away his medical license cuz he kept smirking at patients and killing them. I bet he knows it too. The smug devil. This is a stunning male specimen and I have no idea how he exists. How he’s been allowed to walk the planet like this. Who gave him the right to be that...that good looking?? 

You know what doesn’t help that? Actually, what’s the biggest reason I know about this?? INSTAGRAM EDITS!!! Like oh my gosh some people are just so good at turning us into simps. 

*deep breath* Ok...I’m gonna come down from that to talk about his personality.....and how much of a dork he is.

Well first of all this:

Look at that. Look at how happy he is. Having the time of his life playing polka in his home town. I love this little dork. Hearing him laugh fills me with so much joy! Whenever I’m having trouble smiling, I just listen to his laugh and I start to feel better. You know why? Because him being happy-- genuinely happy and carefree-- is all I want for him. I see him conga dance or do-si-do or play the accordion like this, and just act like a doofus without care, or I see him act all cute and loving to his doves...that’s him enjoying life! And when I see him doing that, it makes me want to do that, because I, too, am a secret doofus. I don’t have to worry about my moods or hyperfixations distancing him and me, cuz we’re the same kind of weird (well...experiments aside >_>). He’s a dork and a diva and kook and I get to be that with him. 

Listen...I do acknowledge his “”problematic”” side, him being a morally grey boundary-breaking surgeon, and sometimes can be emotionally erratic or distant to his patient’s needs....but I’m not scared of him. He’d never hurt me, threaten me, intimidate me, or even tease me if he knew it made me really upset. I’m terrified of needles, so he keeps me at a distance when he’s using them around me. I am respecting who he was designed to be, though also as a self shipper with a whole tf2 comfort au, I...do reserve the right to tone it down a little. Also I’m pretty sure he’s got an undiagnosed mental illness, and I gotta respect that in his characterization. I saw a post talking about how we really should normalize Medic feeling a wide range of emotions instead of just being deranged or manic. He does care about his loved ones; heck he calls his team his friends, now come on, he didn’t have to say that but he did, that’s gotta mean something. That’s the side of him I like to portray, to sort of make him more human. And the great thing about that is, I don’t feel like it’s an uphill battle because even canon recognizes this about him. ...I think this is the paragraph that makes the least sense, cohesively, but bottom line: I know he’s a troublemaker, but he’s also a human being (albeit a fictional one) and I love and respect him no matter what.

I sure hope he’s not suffering too much mentally because of it. If he’s ever emotionally overwrought, I’ll be there for him, whenever he wants me.

That being said.....gosh do I love imaging fun and domestic stuff with him. Cuz again, he’s capable of that! I wanna do that dorky stuff with him I mentioned back there! Sneaking out of the base to go dancing, joining a conga-line mid-battle, playing with the doves, watching our favorite shows on tv together (very sure he watches Hogan’s Heroes X3), doing some R&R after a tough mission, creating inside jokes spoken in German so no one else understands, holding his gentle hands and kissing them, wrapping my arms around him to tell him to take a break from work, watching each other’s faces light up as we talk about science, just....just listening to the sounds of each other’s voices... He has a very nice inside voice (which he rarely uses unprompted, so it’s a treat). I really think he’s as crazy about me as I am about him (for lack of a better word). Gosh just thinking about him being as lovestruck and distracted as I am right now, wow, he probably had to confess or else he’d explode. XD 

You know he can be surprisingly affectionate? Lots of x reader blogs have attributed this to him, one even calling him an “attention-seeking baby’ and honestly I agree. There probably won’t be as many cuddles as I want, but I’m glad at least he likes being loving at all. I can’t wait to tell you about our first kiss. But this is getting very long, and my brain is giving out. I decided to do this at night, when everyone’s in bed! XD

Anyway, this concludes the gush, I love him so much it physically hurts. :D Chances are, I’ll have more to gush about later!

[animebw]

Binge-Watching: Charlotte, Episodes 6-7

In which a fumbled death scene is redeemed by the show’s best episode, and the results are fucking spectacular.

Gone Too Soon

It was only a matter of time before something went wrong.

Jun Maeda is many things as a writer, but “fair” is not one of them. When tragedy comes- and it always comes- it comes with pain, cruelty and suffering. Watching one of his shows is signing a covenant that says, “I am ready to be hurt again.” Honestly, Charlotte’s been one of his most restrained series in that regard up to this point. Clannad and Angel Beats were already lathering on the deep-seated emotional devastation just a few episodes; Charlotte, in contrast, has taken its time putting the pieces in place, holding out with minor fables and quiet sadness for almost half its runtime. But sooner or later, that comfort would have to shatter. Sooner or later, tragedy would come knocking at the door and break it down with a single furious swing.

Sooner or later, Ayumi was going to die.

So it’s frustrating that the show couldn’t find a smarter way for her to go out. Yes, the build-up in episode 6 is very strong. it builds tension with her unknown, developing powers and puts you on edge waiting for them to burst forth at the worst possible time. It reminds you once again how important Ayumi is to Yu, how the presence of someone in his live he genuinely loves and is loved by is an emotional anchor in an otherwise chaotic existence. It even foreshadows the circumstances that will lead to her powers awakening with the boy who won’t take no for an answer (and the badass friend who tells him off for her; get you a bestie like Nomura, man). All the pieces are in place for a perfectly timed tragedy bomb to go off and swallow Ayumi whole. But being threatened with murder by a crazy elementary school classmate with a box cutter? Even for Jun Maeda, that’s a step too far into overwrought melodrama. It’s such an obvious plot contrivance that it robs the death of its in-the-moment shock and horror. You’re not watching through your fingers breathlessly muttering “no, no, no” as you see things spiral inevitably toward doom, you’re slightly annoyed that this bullshit is the spark that’s gonna set the whole thing off. And when you’re operating on such raw emotionality, that’s a stumble you can’t afford. If Charlotte was gonna recover from that, it needed to absolutely fucking nail the fallout. It needed to capture the consequences of Ayumi’s death so perfectly that any complaints about the death itself wouldn’t even matter anymore.

And thank god, that’s exactly what it did.

Spiral of Darkness

Episode 7 is entirely focused on the depressive spiral Yu falls into following Ayumi’s death. From start to finish, it chronicles his harrowing descent into the depths of his despair, with nary a cutaway or change in focus in between. There’s no pause for breath, no distance to give you comfort, nothing to separate you from tumbling right alongside Yu as he sinks down, down, down. And it is fucking devastating. Step by step, you watch this poor kid fall further and further apart, grief and trauma causing his worst instincts to crawl out from the depths of his soul. He goes full-on depression slump and starts devouring those dumb cup ramen he got as a housewarming gift a few episodes ago. He spends his days staring blankly at the screen, filling his time with mindless junk entertainment that numbs the emptiness inside him. Then the girl he almost went out with back in episode 1 shows up to try and offer a helping hand, and his vindictiveness springs out. He lashes out at her for trying to help, for not catering to his misery and letting him wallow in it. And suddenly you’re forced to remember that before Tomori snagged him into her circle of friends, Yu was an asshole. He was a selfish, narcissistic bastard who spit on the shoes of everyone who passed by because lording his superiority over everyone else was the only way he could avoid confronting his insecurities. His connection with his sister was the only point of human compassion keeping him from plunging into the abyss of his own mind. And now that Ayumi’s gone, there’s nothing stopping that darkness from swallowing him whole.

And so he spirals further, running away from home and possibly killing the agents sent to secure him in the process. His depression meals get sadder and sadder, gorging on empty carbs and ignoring the slightest whiff of leafy greens. He wanders listlessly, with nothing to do and nothing to give him stability. In time, he even builds up a tolerance for the empty entertainment he used to numb himself. So he finds a new coping mechanism in one of those playable video-game displays you might see at Gamestop, a violent Silent-Hill-esque shoot-em-up where he can work out his rising aggression on ones and zeroes. But the more he comes to depend on it, the more it sucks him in, the more it feeds his helpless rage, his desire to lash out at someone, anyone, so he doesn’t have to feel this pain anymore. And when a bunch of thugs keep him from his fix for a little too long, he finally snaps. He fights back. He beats the shit out of the poor bastards, wielding his power as a weapon. And he keeps fighting, finding more and more lowlives to slake his thirst for violence upon, losing himself completely in the mad rush of fists and blood and power. By the end of it, you realize you’re witnessing a supervillain origin story play out in real time. As his mental state deteriorates, Yu’s narcissism bloats with the weight of his loss until it becomes a full-on god complex. Because the only way he can keep himself from accepting his loss is to desperately cling to whatever power he has left, until his addictive need to feel in control turns him into a monster who laughs as he tramples other people beneath his feet.

And yet, you still feel sorry for him. No matter how despicable he’s becoming, no matter how much evil is overtaking him, you never stop begging for him to get better. Because if there’s one thing Jun Maeda pulls off better than anyone else, it’s the tactile sensation of tragedy. It’s the sad empty cup ramen cartons littering Yu’s room. It’s the cold glare of the TV screen reflected in his eyes. It’s his hunched, closed-off posture, how he hides under blankets and hoods. It’s the sad dirge of his depression meals one after another, from noodles to pizza to skewers upon skewers of dango littering the street pavement (side note, does Maeda have some sort of traumatic memory attached to dango?). It’s the slumped folds of his clothing, the listlessness of lying in a private net cafe booth as if it’s his bed, the sweat and grit and grime and sunken eyelids that weigh this poor kid down. It’s all these tangible details that take this unspeakable tragedy and ground it in the painful, inescapable sensations of reality itself. That is what makes this episode so fucking incredible. Because even as Yu descends further and further into darkness, you’re constantly aware of how much this is hurting him. You’re aware of the raw suffering behind every bout of manic laughter and every cruel, sadistic smile You’re aware that underneath this madness, Yu is still nothing more than a traumatized teenager, coping with loss in the most unhealthy ways imaginable. And all you can do is wish with all your heart that someone, anyone shows up to break him out of this spiral before he finally slips beyond help.

And just when things are looking their most hopeless... who should show up but the one person capable of giving him that kick in the pants.

Ray of Light

Which brings us, of course, to Nao Tomori. Tomori, the most lovable sadist I’ve ever laid eyes upon. Tomori, who casually kicks her friend out the window for convenience’s sake (”Ah, so that’s how giraffe’s sleep!”), with the implication that this isn’t the first time she’s done something so cavalier. Tomori, who smirks in the face of danger and never met a situation she couldn’t snark into submission. Tomori, who’s carrying far more pain on her shoulders than she’s able to admit. Tomori, who knows exactly how much it turns when a family member slips away from you. Tomori, who underneath all her sarcasm and defensive irony, can’t help but care about the people in her life and the struggles they’re going through. Tomori, who’s no-bullshit attitude makes her the perfect person to meet Yu on his level right when it seems like there’s no one capable of reaching him anymore. Tomori, who stood invisible by his side all throughout his descent, silently sharing his pain and hardship while giving him space to be alone. Tomori, who bore witness to the worst of what he’s capable of and the darkest depths of his psyche. Tomori, who still never doubted for a second that he was still worth saving. Tomori, who got her hands on Ayumi’s recipe book to find the one thing capable of shaking him back to reality. Tomori, who reaches out to Yu at his lowest possible moment and offers him the one thing he’s been running from the entire episode.

And just as I predicted last time, it only took a shift in perspective for that dumb running gag about the overly sweet pizza sauce to bring me to tears.

God, that was amazing. This entire episode wasn’t just Charlotte at its best, it was the kind of instantly iconic tearjerking mastery that so few anime manage to pull off. In one fell sweep, it redeemed my frustrations with Ayumi’s death, drove its protagonist to the depths of despair and back, delivered the kind of catharsis most anime can only dream of, made the show’s best character even more fucking incredible, and sent the story’s first half home in a shower of triumphant fireworks. If this entire show existed solely to make this episode happen, it would have been worth it. Hell, if this were the end of the show it would have been perfectly satisfying. But we’ve still got another half to go. And while the possibility of it all falling to shit is still floating in the ether, at this point, I’m inclined to give it the benefit of the doubt. I don’t just like Charlotte, I love it. I love it in the kind of personal, intimate way that only Jun Maeda inspires in me. Even if the plot goes entirely off the rails, we’ve still got this amazing cast, this incredible sense of comedy and heart, this unending imagination. And I can only imagine the effect this shared experience will have on Tomori and Yu’s relationship. They’re already fucking fantastic together, so hilariously in sync and so endearingly comfortable giving each other shit. I can’t even blame Ayumi for shipping them so hard; I honestly always kinda carried a candle for Otonashi and Yurippe from Angel Beats, so this is everything my shipper heart could possibly want. And no matter what happens next, I won’t regret holding them so close to my heart when they’ve earned every ounce of it.

So thank you, Charlotte. Thank you for an excellent seven episodes, and here’s to six more!

Odds and Ends

-”He’ll be fine as long as he didn’t fall on his head.” I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH

-”Are you big brother’s girlfriend?” “No way.” oh just kiss already

-”She saw right through me!” Lol rip

-”Should I cast my charm for stopping nosebleeds?” “I think that’ll have the opposite effect!” dkhskdjfhskdf

-”ha ha ha.” what the fuck was that laugh Tomori

-”I’m fine.” “People who are fine don’t live like this!” Bring this character back more, please. She’s great.

-Jun. Jun, baby. Did you actually make your protagonist watch your previous show in the middle of a depressive spiral. Jun. ANSWER ME, JUN.

God, this show is great. See you next time!

[trulycertain]

Unpopular opinion: god, Batman v Superman had some really good ideas that it chucked down the U-bend, and there are parts of it I really enjoyed. I don’t regret seeing it (and yes, I watched the Extended Cut. All three hours). I was just discussing this with @masutrout​, and here’s a slightly abridged version of my thoughts.

Look, I know no-one sets out to make a bad film, and with so many moving parts, a film getting released at all is a miracle. I know it’s not down to one person and (I’m quite glad) it’s not up to me, because I have no idea how to make films. But if I had, say, a magic lamp and a wish for an ideal BvS and DCEU in general... Here’s what I liked; here’s what I’d magically tweak in a parallel universe; here’s a rant. A 2.2k rant. An Extended Cut rant.

I know it's all desaturated and so on, but I genuinely really love Snyder's style. Dude can set up a shot, and he knows how to use chiaroscuro. In theory, I totally get why they'd look at him and go, "his shit is like comics brought to life, pick him." I wish he'd just... allow a bit more colour into it and let people colour grade properly, because the Metropolis/Gotham Clark/Bruce contrast could've been played up beautifully with visual language and colour too. I mean, I know he can do overwrought iconography and imagery, look at how they went to the trouble of CGI'ing Clark's cape in every scene because it was such a banner, and the pop of red. 

I'll admit, I wasn't always all-in on Affleck's performance, though it was one of his best in his back catalogue (I am one of the few people I know who has zero problems with him as an actor and tends to find it more the material, but I grew up on Kevin Smith films and his shtick works for me, even if he has a manner. I'm not too discerning). But. A Bruce who's tired and broken-down and greying and has lost even more, and still in the aftermath of that, tries to find hope and "I can't let this happen to anyone else" again, in the wake of one more death? God yes give it to me. A Bruce who's taller than Clark and just plain tall in general, because maybe Kryptonian ideals are different and because it'd give Bruce one more thing to desperately play down? God yes. Just... in general, middle-aged Bruce but without a lot of the Batfam stuff (which I like, I have a love for several of the Bats, but my favourite stories are always solo) with a regimen of painkillers and who's turned Wayne from an "I'll just jump into the water feature" jackass to a schmoozer and flirt and maybe a drunk. Take out the branding. I wanted Bruce as a broken idealist, not a fascist. It's actually way more fascistic than the original Dark Knight Returns, even. But goodness, the whole idea of an established, tired Batman is good. There’s a reason the comics and animations keep coming back to it.

"Superman was just a story. Superman was just the dream of some farmer from Kansas." I forget the exact phrasing, but everything about that idea, and this idea that Superman is as much an ideal for Clark to live up to as everyone else, and he’s daunted by it? Yeah. There’s something in there.

I loved everything about Jeremy Irons' Alfred. Seriously, everything. Tech guru, little less RP, little rougher around the edges, clearly has some scars of his own. Absolutely biting, even more than most incarnations, and gets all the best lines. Yes, keep that, it'll do.

I liked the voice changer... halfway. To me it makes way more sense than putting on a voice, which is a bit daft and way more variable. I just wouldn't have gone that heavy on the processing, so that Bruce sounded less like a hacker from 1999. I also thought it was a good way of representing how Bruce desperately tries to emotionally distance himself when he’s the Bat, and how his anger has made him colder.

Batman as just a rumour or an urban legend is great, and a wonderful contrast to Superman, who’s this bright, transparent... common god. Bruce never did it for credit, he did it to get it done. It’s stretching the bounds of credulity, sure, but in this strange, semi-operatic storytelling with heavy myth feel, it makes a bunch of sense thematically.

Bruce meeting Martha Kent, and their first meeting being him saving her life. Even this broken-down Batman who thinks he’s a mess. Actually, just more Martha in the DCEU in general.  I mean, I get why they didn't lean into it so much because they maybe wanted Bruce and Clark to feel more like equal peers, rather than Bruce being too dadly, but... god, again, more Martha. In JL, in something, if nothing else. Martha who's lost a son (Jason); Martha who later has a son in another city trying to do good and is worried as hell about them (Dick's canonically in Bludhaven PD at this point); Martha who is one of about five people in the world who knows who Batman is and hasn't spilt that information; Martha who saw Bruce at the cemetery and might have some really interesting things to say to him, angry or forgiving; Martha who is one of the few people who's seen the good in the Bat (when Bruce himself couldn't)... Man, I was so, so glad that fic leaned into that. I would read a regular comic book of just Martha and Bruce Being Reluctant Friends and Worrying A Little About Their Kids, But Maybe In An Enemies-To-Friends Way Because Holy Shit You Had A Fucking Spear What the Fuck.

No, really, wait, I’m going to go on about Martha again.  The scenes in BvS where she was basically saying, "God, don't kill yourself for them, come home, if they're gonna hate you they don't deserve you..." On the one hand she could've been a contrasting voice to Jon, but this way also makes sense. "I know you want to help but please don't kill yourself..." It was always both parents in the comics who affected him equally, even if the Donner films had his father's death, iirc. It was Martha who pushed to keep him, Jon who taught him not to break people and show off, Martha who taught him how to cook and be gentle with things and in Superman: Birthright, which MoS is heavily, badly based upon (I love that miniseries, time to read it again) she researches alien sightings in the hope he won't be alone. I get why they went for a more "grounded" Kryptonian uniform thing, but Martha made his costume, in the original canon. In all canons, she was a huge help in creating the "Clark Kent" persona (yeah, sure, maybe a woman would have something to say about making yourself quiet and shrinking in a room and having to look helpful and nonthreatening all the time, but Snyder and Goyer were never gonna be the kind of people to explore that and even Waid, whom I love, barely touches on it). Every other film or comic book is crap, dead, or crap and dead dads. Clark's relationship with his mother and father is hugely important.

Getting to see Bruce doing the society beat, and just a little more philanthropy would've been great. You don't have time to build that character? Sure, OK. Take out the Flash dream sequence and the sleeping-with-random-women, maybe don't have a totally unnecessary but kinda hilarious shower scene, and replace it with some identity weirdness where Bruce and Clark are stuck interacting as civilians a little more. Or something about what the hell happened with Jason and the manor, though I don't mind most of it being unexplained. There, still building character, still serving a purpose, you can fit a brief scene into your three hour movie. Civil War had a ton of "Steve Rogers and Tony Stark brood or sit in rooms talking to each other."

If they were going to throw away all the secret-identity potential, they could at least have done it interestingly. That scene at the gala made it clear how hard they both had to act, and Jesus, the idea of Clark eventually, finally finding someone else who has to lie and cut off what they can do, who has to bumble almost the way he does... That could've been interesting and also maybe worried the shit out of him. Or made him want to talk to this crazy billionaire who goes round combat-booting people in the face and try and get what his deal was, which could've led to more interesting misunderstandings. 

And then there's Diana, who's not a bumbler but a "nothing to see here, rich eccentric" type too (no wonder she and Bruce had weird insane chemistry in that "sizing each other up/I know exactly what you are" way), and why the hell does Clark basically never see her? I actually don't mind the whole "she's only here for her photo and never meant to get involved, so she's only needing to chase Bruce," that makes sense, but after Doomsday?! In Justice League?! She understands what it is for the world to be frightened of you, resistant to you, the urge to go and hide where it's safe with your family, the loneliness. I mean, just imagine MoS!Clark meeting her and the goddamn relief of it. And the way it could've played off the whole Jonathan Kent is a creepy "kill em all" weirdo now thing, if they insisted on keeping it.

Similarly, please god please show Clark being a journalist more. Perry chewing him out more. A mild hint of office politics. That's the perfect place to leaven a rough film with a dose of humour. People wouldn't have been so bothered by "Is she with you?", which is actually not that terrible a line next to some Marvel "zingers", except for it being so tonally inconsistent. A gentle thread, a few moments of it. Maybe have Clark save someone and have to scrabble to keep his identity a secret, like in MoS - maybe a minute, you could go for some physical humour or a mild sight gag. Obviously, this'd be pre-bombing the courthouse. Relatedly... 

Take out Nairomi and the branding. They serve very little purpose, story-wise, basically never come back into the plot, and only serve to make Clark and Bruce look like dicks unnecessarily when if you want to inject flaws, you have a ton of opportunities to do it with how they deal with people and their loved ones, how they deal with perps, and their brooding moments. 

Seriously, Bruce kicking the shit out of people and investigating shipments from the Black Zero and World Engine crashes would be enough to worry and piss off Clark, as would the whole "I am the night"/lack of transparency shtick. I mean, for a start, John Byrne retconned their first meeting that way in the 80s and that issue is actually great (Clark is trying to arrest Bruce when they meet, because he's young and idealistic and maybe a little up himself and he's been Supes for about five and a half minutes). Look: Clark is being revered and hates it. He blames himself for Black Zero, at least a little. He has excellent reason to be desperately projecting brightly-coloured not-a-threat and also hate that someone else is terrorising a city and violence is being revered, especially when Metropolis and Gotham are still so raw. I mean... Snyder and Goyer did the fucking stupid offensive 9/11 comparisons. Look at how that affected people and still does to this day; emotions run bloody high, and the entire point of Clark is that he's still human and terrified and guilty. And with Wallace O’Keefe and all the threatening notes... look, there's already a good plot in there! 

Meanwhile, Luthor clearly knows Bruce has been sniffing around the K shipments and could've just tipped off Clark about that as well, saying, "He clearly is gonna use it for his own power, and with how sinister and opaque and violent he's already been, he's gonna hurt people." Having his heritage used against people is one of Clark's worst nightmares, it was implied pretty clearly in MoS, and you'd still have the righteous anger. No branding needed. Kryptonian artefacts and the entire masked violent vigilantism are already enough "this is someone who thinks he's above people and can decide their lives" to piss Clark off. He could even investigate that as himself rather than Supes. You need it to be an unanon tip-off and Keefe wouldn't have access to that information? Sure, OK, just filter it through Mercy Graves and make her a "worried confidential source." I mean, she's in the movie and completely wasted. Why not actually, you know, do something with her? Clark wants to believe the best in people, and he might dislike Luthor personally, but he doesn't know Luthor's out to get him yet - or wouldn't, if the writing was better. Again, Birthright, the text Goyer repeatedly ripped from, did this brilliantly. The brand... it's overkill. Grimdark overkill.

I actually... look, I had a really fun, if baffled, time with this movie, but goodness I’d like to see what it could’ve been. And now all the film sites are waving goodbye to Batfleck again while running DC retrospectives due to Birds of Prey, and Cavill’s blue tights are in doubt, it seemed like as good a time as any.

[uomo-accattivante]

Oscar Isaac in the role of painter Paul Gauguin is trouble you see coming from a mile away—the kind you live to regret falling for anyway.

He’s a holier-than-thou painting bro with a “slightly misanthropic” streak (Isaac’s generous wording), eyes glinting with disgust in his first close-up. Pipe in one hand, book in another, dressed all black save for an elegant red scarf, he slams a table and shames the Impressionists gathered around him: “They call themselves artists but behave like bureaucrats,” he huffs after a theatrical exit. “Each of them is a little tyrant.”

From a few tables away, another painter, Vincent van Gogh, watches in awe. He runs into the street after Gauguin like a puppy dog.

Within a year, a reluctant Gauguin would move in with van Gogh in a small town in the south of France, in the hope of fostering an artists’ retreat away from stifling Paris. Eight emotionally turbulent weeks later, van Gogh would lop off his left ear with a razor, distraught that his dearest friend planned to leave him for good. He enclosed the bloody cartilage in wrapping marked “remember me,” intending to have it delivered to Gauguin by a frightened brothel madam as a bizarre mea culpa. The two never spoke again.

Or so the last two years of Vincent van Gogh’s life unspool in Julian Schnabel’s At Eternity’s Gate, itself a kind of lush, post-Impressionistic memoir of the Dutchman’s tormented time in Arles, France. (Not to mention artistically fruitful time: Van Gogh churned out 200 paintings and 100 watercolors and sketches before the ear fiasco landed him in an insane asylum.)

Isaac plays Gauguin like an irresistibly bad boyfriend, a bemused air of condescension at times wafting straight into the audience: “Why’re you being so dramatic?” he scoffs directly into the camera, inflicting a first-person sensation of van Gogh’s insult and pain.

Yet in the painter’s artistic restlessness, Isaac, 37, sees himself: “That desire to want to do something new, to want to push the boundaries, to not just settle for the same old thing and get so caught up with the minutia of what everyone thinks is fashionable in the moment.” He talks about “staying true to your own idea of what’s great.” He talks about “finding something honest.”

From another actor, the sentiment might border on banal. But Oscar Isaac—Guatemalan-born, Juilliard-trained and, in his four years since breaking through as film’s most promising new leading man, christened superlatives from “this generation’s Al Pacino” to the “best dang actor of his generation”—might really have reason to mean what he says. He’s crawling out the other end of a life-altering two years, one that’s encompassed personal highs, like getting married and becoming a father, and an acutely painful low: losing a parent.

He basked in another Star Wars premiere, mined Hamlet for every dimension of human experience, and weathered the worst notices of his career with Life Itself. Through it all, he says, he’s spent a lot of time in his head—reevaluating who he is, what he wants, and what matters most.

Right now, he’s aiming for a year-long break from work, his first in a decade, after wrapping next December’s Star Wars: Episode IX. “I’m excited to, like Gauguin, kind of step away from the whole thing for a bit and focus on things that are a bit more real and that matter to me,” he says.

Until then, he’s just trying “to keep moving forward as positively as I can,” easing into an altered reality. “You’re just never the same,” he says quietly. “On a cellular level, you’re a completely different person.”

When we talk, Isaac is in New York for one day to promote and attend the New York Film Festival premiere of At Eternity’s Gate. Then it’s back on a plane to London, where Pinewood Studios and Star Wars await.

Episode IX, the last of Disney’s new Skywalker trilogy, will see Isaac reprise the role of dashing Resistance pilot Poe Dameron, whose close relationship with Carrie Fisher’s General Leia evokes joy but also melancholy after Fisher’s untimely passing.

Each film was planned in part as a celebration and send-off to each of the original trilogy’s most beloved heroes: in The Force Awakens, Han Solo (Harrison Ford); in The Last Jedi, Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill); Fisher, meanwhile, had hoped to save Leia’s spotlight for last but passed unexpectedly long before filming began. Director J.J. Abrams, returning to close the trilogy he opened with Episode VII, has since said that unseen footage of Fisher from that previous film will ensure the General appears, however briefly.

For his part, Isaac promises the still-untitled ninth film will pay appropriate homage to Leia—and to Fisher’s sense of fun. “The story deals with that quite a bit,” he says. “It’s a strange thing to be on the set and to be speaking of Leia and having Carrie not be around. There’s definitely some pain in that.” Still, he says, compared to the first two installments, “there’s a looseness and an energy to the way that we’re shooting this that feels very different.”

“It’s been really fun being back with J.J., with all of us working in a really close way. I just feel like there’s an element of almost senioritis, you know?” he laughs. “Since everything just feels way looser and people aren’t taking it quite as seriously, but still just having a lot of fun. I think that that energy is gonna translate to a really great movie.”

Fisher’s absence is felt keenly on set, Isaac says. As if to reassure us both, however, he reiterates: “It deals with the amazing character that Carrie created in a really beautiful way.”

Two months after Fisher’s death, Isaac’s mother, Eugenia, passed away after an illness. A month after that, the actor married his girlfriend, the Danish documentarian Elvira Lind. Another month later, the couple welcomed their first son, named Eugene to honor the little boy’s grandmother. Work offered a way for a reeling Isaac to process.

There was his earth-shaking run at Hamlet, in which Isaac starred as the titular prince in mourning at New York’s Public Theater. And then there was writer-director Dan Fogelman’s Life Itself, a film met with reviews that near-unanimously recoiled from its “cheesy,” “overwrought” structure, filled with what one critic called the genuine emotion of “a damage-control ExxonMobil commercial.”

The reaction surprised Isaac. “I thought it was some of my strongest work,” he says. “Especially at that moment in my life. This guy is dealing with grief and, for me, it was a really honest way of trying to understand those emotions and to create a character who was also going through just incomprehensible grief.” He’s proud of the performance—and, in a strange way, heartened by the sour critical response.

“To be honest,” he says brightly, “there was something really comforting about it.” That the work “for me, meant something and for others, didn’t at all, it just made the whole thing not matter so much in a great way.”

“I was able to explore something and come out the other end and feel like I grew as an actor,” he explains. “That matters to me a lot. And the response to that, you know, it’s interesting of course, but it was a great example for me of how it really doesn’t dictate how I then feel about what I did.”

He thinks for a moment of performances and projects that, conversely, embarrassed him—ones that to his shock, boasted “really great notices” in the end. “You just never know, you know? It’s completely out of my control.”

Isaac is an encouraging listener in conversation, doling out interested yeahs and uh-huhs, and often warm, self-deprecating laughter. When I broach a particularly personal subject, he seems to sit up—somehow, suddenly more present. It’s about his last name.

Óscar Isaac Hernández Estrada dropped both surnames before enrolling at Juilliard in 2001. He’d run into several Óscar Hernándezes at auditions by that point, and taken note of the stereotypes casting directors seemed to have in mind for them—gangsters, drug dealers, the works. So he made a change, not unlike many actors do.

Whether Óscar Hernández might have had a crack at the astonishingly diverse roles Oscar Isaac has inhabited, we’ll never know. But given Hollywood’s limiting tendencies, it’s less likely he might have played an English king for Ridley Scott in 2010’s Robin Hood, three years before his breakthrough role as a cantankerous folk singer in Joel and Ethan Coen’s Inside Llewyn Davis. He was an Armenian genocide survivor in last year’s The Promise, an Israeli secret agent in August’s Operation Finale, and now, he’s the Frenchman Paul Gauguin.

Star Wars’ Poe Dameron, meanwhile, or the mysterious tech billionaire in Alex Garland’s Ex Machina, or the army commando in his second Garland mind-twist, Annihilation, specify no ethnicities at all. It’s the dream: to be hailed as a great actor, period, and not a “great Latino actor” first. To be appreciated for your talent, and seen as “other” rarely at all.

There’s a crawl space between those distinctions, though, where another anxiety lives. The one that makes you wonder: Am I “representing” as loudly as I should? Am I obligated to do so in my work? If I don’t, what does that make me? Questions for when you grew up in Miami, or another Latino-dominant place, reckoning with how you’re perceived in a spotlight outside of it. Isaac listens attentively. Then for several unbroken minutes, talks it out with himself.

He rewinds to yesterday, when he boarded a plane from London on which an air steward addressed him repeatedly as “señor,” unbidden. “It was just a little weird. So I started calling him ‘señor’ as well. I was like, thank you, señor!” Isaac recalls, cracking up. “But then at the same time, I had that thought. I was like, but no, I should really, you know, be proud of being a señor, I guess?”

“I think for a lot of immigrants, the idea is that you don’t always just want to be thought of as other. Like, I don’t want him to be just calling me ‘señor.’ Why?” he asks, more of the steward than himself. “Because I look like I do, so I’m not a mystery anymore? It did bring up all those kinds of questions.”

He grew up in the United States, he explains; his family came over from Guatemala City when Isaac was 5 months old. “I’m most definitely Latino. That’s who I am. But at the same time, for an actor it’s like, I want to be hired not because of what I can represent, but because of what I can create, how I can transform, and the power of what I create.”

Still, Isaac has eyes and ears and exists in the year 2018 with the rest of us. “I’m not an idiot,” he adds. “And I know that we live in a politically charged time. There’s so much terrible language, particularly right now, being used against Latinos as a kind of political weapon.” He recognizes, too, the necessity “for people to see people that look like them, because that’s a very inspiring thing.”

As a kid, Isaac looked up to Raúl Juliá, the Puerto Rican-born actor and Broadway star whose breakthrough movie role came as Gomez Addams of the ’90s Addams Family films. “But I looked up to him particularly because he was a Latino that wasn’t being pigeonholed just in Latino parts,” Isaac adds.

“I do think there is a separation between the artist and the art form, between a craftsperson and the craft,” he says, applying the difference in this context to himself. He calls it “that double thing,” as apt a term as any for that peculiar, precise tension: “Like yes, I am who I am, I came from where I come from. But my interest isn’t just in showing people stuff about myself, because I don’t find me to be all that interesting.”

“What is more interesting to me is the work that I’m able to do, and all that time that I spent learning how to do Shakespeare and how to break down plays and try to create a character and do accents,” he says. “That, for me, is what’s fun.”

But it’s always that “double thing”—reconciling two pulls and finding a way not to get torn up. He wants American Latinos “to know, to be proud that there is someone from there that is out and doing work and being recognized not just for being a Latino that’s been able to do that.” On the other hand, he’s “just like any artist who’s out there doing something. I feel like that’s…” He pauses. “That’s also something to be proud of, you know?”

Isaac’s focus lands on me again. “And I think for you too, you’re a writer and that’s what you do. Your identity is also part of that, but I think that you want the work to stand on its own, too.” His sister is “an incredible scientist. She’s at the forefront of climate change and particularly how it affects Latino communities and low-income areas. And she is a Latina scientist, but she’s a scientist, you know? She’s a great scientist without the qualifier of where she’s from. And that’s also very important.”

Paul Gauguin’s life after van Gogh’s death by gunshot at 37 revealed more repugnant depths than his dick-ish insensitivity.

He defected from Paris again, this time to the South Pacific, determined to break from the staid art scene once and for all. He “married” three adolescent brides, two of them 14 years old and the other 13, infecting each girl with syphilis and settling into a private compound he dubbed Maison de Jouir, or “House of Orgasms.” “Pretty gnarly, nasty stuff,” Isaac concedes, though he withholds judgment of the man in his performance onscreen.

To do so might have made his Gauguin—alluring, haughty, insufferable, brilliant—“not quite as complex.” Opposite Willem Dafoe’s divinely wounded depiction of van Gogh, however, he found room to play. “It was interesting to ask, well, what’s the kind of person that would feel that he’s entitled to do those kinds of things?” The man onscreen is an asshole, to be sure, but hardly paints the word “sociopath” onto a canvas. He’s simply human: “I think that anyone has at least the capacity to do” what Gauguin did, Isaac reasons.

The actor has had more than one reason to think on a person’s capacity to do terrible things in the last year. Two men he’s worked with—his Show Me a Hero director, Paul Haggis, and X-Men: Apocalypse helmer Bryan Singer—were both accused of sexual assault in the last year, part of a torrent of unmasked misconduct Hollywood’s Me Too movement brought to national attention.

“It’s a tricky thing,” Isaac says, “because you get offered jobs all the time and, I guess, what’s required now? What kind of background checks can someone do beforehand? There isn’t a ton.” (Just ask Olivia Munn.) “Especially as an actor, to make sure that the people you’re working with, surrounding yourself with, haven’t done something in their past that I guess will make you seem somehow like you’re propping up bad behavior.”

Carefully, he expresses reservations about the phenomenon of the last year. “People don’t feel like they’re getting justice through any kind of legal system, so they take it to the streets,” he ventures. “It’s basically street justice. You have no other option. And what happens when you take it to the streets is that damage occurs, and sometimes people get taken down, things get destroyed that you feel like maybe shouldn’t have.”

“But some of it had to happen, and hopefully now there’ll be more of a system in place to take these things seriously,” he says. “It seems like it is starting to happen more, but then you see things like, how can this person get away with it? How can that person? It just boggles the mind.”

He pulls back again, remembering what’s out of his control.

Tomorrow, he’ll be back in an X-Wing suit, as Poe struggles to accept the same truth. In a year, he’ll be home in New York with his wife and young son, focusing on matters more “real” than Hollywood, its artists, and its art. Whatever he chooses whenever he returns, he’ll be ready—for the critics, the questions, for this new reality.

“All I can do is just do what means something to me,” he says. “You just have to find something honest.” One expects he will.

###

[twentyghosts]

Earlier @fourteenacross wrote this post about our experience of getting to see the dress rehearsal for Rent Live (which I guess turns out to mostly mean that we saw the actual performance of Rent Not-Live) and I wrote this mess of feelings about my 20 year history with Rent the musical as well as the online and IRL community surrounding the musical. I’m depositing it here beneath a cut. (If you’re friends with me on Facebook: it’s the same thing I posted there.)

I've lost count of how many times I've had to awkwardly explain to someone, "I used to be into the musical Rent. No, like….REALLY into it?" Just in case I've never had to explain it to you: I used to be REALLY into the musical Rent. My junior high school chorus sang "Seasons of Love;" I adored it and eventually purchased the 2-disc CD set at Best Buy. I listened to it, oh, let's say 525,600 times. I convinced my mom to take me to see the tour for my 14th birthday. In Green Bay, Wisconsin, a 6-hour drive from our home. I loved it; I spent hours hogging our dialup internet connection to talk about the show with strangers. My friends at school didn't get the obsession. I'm not entirely sure I get the obsession; I was a 14-year-old straight cis white girl from the Midwest hung up on mostly-queer starving artists in New York. (I note this because I know for a lot of Rent fans, part of the excitement was seeing themselves represented in a way that they weren’t often repsented in the media in general/musical theater in specific; I know that wasn’t my situation.) The closest I can come to identifying the source of my obsession might be the line "connection in an isolating age." Loving Rent brought me into a whole community of people who, in some way or another, didn't quite fit in a lot of places. I met new friends waiting overnight in rush ticket lines to see the tour (bless my parents for indulging my quest to sleep outside of every theater in the Midwest; I think my mom in particular understood that something about this was giving me a place to fit in).

But mostly I talked to my Rent friends online. We talked about the musical, our favorite songs and actors and characters, but we also talked about our lives. At first I was one of the younger ones on the boards and mailing lists, and in retrospect I'm pretty sure I was a monster, but I felt so empowered to talk to cool adults who were like, IN COLLEGE and stuff. I learned about their lives and what was possible outside of my rural hometown.

As I got older, I grew apart from Rent. I stopped listening to the cast recording so much, then entirely. I got embarrassed about how obsessed I'd been. I knew the general consensus was that Rent was cheesy and overwrought. Ha ha, yes, of course, Mark and Roger should just get jobs. Benny's just trying to follow his dreams of real estate ownership. Ha, right, what even IS a "season of love"?

Then in 2009, my best friend Megan, who I'd met through Rent--who co-ran a Rent website with me, who waited in Rent lines with me, who had simply the stupidest inside jokes in the world with me….died suddenly. I was devastated, obviously, and for a long time after that, Rent was just ruined for me, simply too emotionally overwhelming on every level. Some department store started using "Seasons of Love" in their commercials and it was like a kick in the face every time I heard even a few seconds of it.

In 2012 I took a trip to New York and decided to go see the Off-Broadway production of Rent. I went by myself and wasn't sure what to expect--I knew the staging was different from what I was familiar with. I honestly don't remember a fucking thing about that production except that I cried for pretty much two hours straight, at varying levels of intensity, from the very first opening note through the finale. It was emotionally overwhelming and really just a reboot to my system.

2016 marked the TWENTY YEAR anniversary of Rent, and with it, a new tour. I saw it in 2017 with another dear friend I'd made through Rent fandom. Again: I remember nothing of this experience except crying. Well--and talking to people in the lobby while waiting for lotto to be drawn; other people with very fond memories of having seen Rent years and years ago, people who remembered the message boards and the drama.

Last year, they announced one of the upcoming live TV musicals would be Rent. "That's wild," I thought. Rent was now mainstream enough to be broadcast on network television, like Grease. But hey--I'd watch it.

At the beginning of this year--2019, 10 years (5,256,000 minutes) since Megan died--I saw a posting for an online raffle to win a trip to see the dress rehearsal for Rent Live. I entered it of course, not thinking anything of it.

And then 2 weeks ago I got an apparently legit email--I'd WON this drawing. It didn't seem possible--so many people must have entered, how on earth would I win? (Like: I'm not saying that the ghost/angel of my Rent-obsessed best friend somehow rigged this online contest for me, but I can't prove that she DIDN'T.)

The rules of the contest didn't allow me to publicly announce it, and I was scared to talk about it anyway because I was not fully convinced that it was real. Still, I asked Kait, one of my other best friends--who I also met because of Rent, twenty years ago, and who remains a hugely integral part of my life to this day--if she'd want to be my guest on this trip, proving it turned out to be real.

It was real. We went. I felt very stressed and uncertain about it all, but on Saturday, January 26th we turned up at Fox Studios and they accepted my paperwork and gave us paper wristbands and made us wait in a long line and eventually? They let us sit down on chairs in a big studio, and some actors performed Rent in that studio. It was an amazing experience; there were 1300 other fans in there with us, all so excited to see this show that must have meant something to us--it wasn't easy to get tickets to be there, everyone there wanted to be there. While we were waiting for the show, all around us we heard people reminiscing about seeing it on Broadway, meeting the cast, hating the movie version.

There were changes made to the script and staging--of course we noticed, of course we all of us had the entire full text of the original show preserved in amber in our brains. For the most part, I didn't mind--most of the changes I thought were good, or at least okay. A few annoyed me but mostly...it was Rent! I cried, of course, the minute the lights went up and Mark began his familiar monologue. Eventually I stopped crying and I laughed and screamed and just enjoyed the songs; enough time had passed that I could experience the show in a new way. It felt like coming home.

(Years on Broadway message boards have made me aware of how unprepared I am to actually discuss theatrical performances; I don't know musical or theatrical terms, I can't tell if things are off-key unless it's very drastic. I am overall a very forgiving audience member; I want to like shows and performers and generally I do, though of course sometimes I have critiques. As I type this it's been a day since Rent "Live"--which turned out to mostly actually be the dress rehearsal that I saw, due to Brennin Hunt's injury--and plenty of people have plenty to say about how low energy it was, how so and so couldn't hit the appropriate notes...and I don't know about any of that. I just know that when I was there, watching it, I felt every moment and fell in love with every character, even though yeah they should totally try to get actual jobs or whatever.)

And then--we'd already known, from the internet, from some of our old Rent friends, that the Original Broadway cast was there that night too. We suspected they'd make an appearance for us; surely they wouldn't be there just to observe. And indeed...after the finale, they bounded out on stage and sang a reprise of "Seasons of Love." If that had happened to me when I was 16, I think I might have literally passed out. I'd listened to them on the cast recording so so many times, but of course they'd all left the show by 1999, when I got into Rent. (I've been lucky enough to see original actors in other projects since then, but not Rent.) Seeing them, hearing them...honestly I felt like I had full-on Beatlemania, I was literally shaking. I couldn't believe I was so lucky to see that and hear that and feel that.

And then the next day, I got home from LA in time to watch 2/3 of the show on TV. I livetweeted it and chatted in a group chat with a bunch of my Rent friends, people from all around the country. And that's what Rent is about, really--it's about the power and importance of community, and I'm so grateful to be a part of this one. #CompulsiveBowlers #FriendshipIsThickerThanBlood #NDBT

Anyway that's why I was in LA last weekend.

[idle-flower]

Dear Yuletide Author - 2021

Thank you for your time and attention, and I hope your wishes are granted this holiday season!

Likes:

I prefer plot and angst and adventure to fluff, though a nice warm fluffy scene can make a good dessert at the end of the pain and suffering. I lean more to f/f and m/f than m/m. I enjoy forbidden relationships. I love exploring the 'what if' spinoffs of a small change in a canon. I swoon for lovers who take dramatic risks to protect their loved ones.

I also enjoy detailed description of clothing/furniture/jewelry/pretty things in general. Not just heaping up brand names, but sensory detail.

Dislikes:

Please avoid sweeping tropey AUs like 'what if noir' or 'what if everyone was in high school'. I'm REALLY picky about comedy so it's probably not a good idea to go for wacky funny stuff. No excited rambling about pregnancy or babies. (Older kids are okay.) While I am okay with pretty dark stuff, please don't gorily torture characters to death on screen. If people gotta die, limit the details! I am generally not keen on crossovers. I dislike PWP unless it is exceedingly hot smut (see below).

Smut:

I don't require it, but I do read a good bit of filthy porn.

Kinks I find interesting: mild bdsm, pain mixed with pleasure, dubcon, sibling or cousin incest, strap-ons, futanari and other magical appendages, teasing, teenagers, drugs/magic with interesting effects, people making terrible decisions due to being emotionally overwrought or really really horny

SMUTTY DO NOT WANTS: 

rape or painful sex that one party is not enjoying at all, inserting anything edible (licking off boobs is okay), aggressive face-fucking, choking, degradation, scat/watersports, bukkake, parental incest, anyone younger than teen, emphasis on 'virgin blood' (some writers make it a huge deal with tearing pain and fountains of blood, please don't).

Darkangel Trilogy - Meredith Ann Pierce

Erin/Aeriel

OTP territory here.

I read the first book when I was fairly young and was, like many, drawn into the dangerous romance between Aeriel and Irrylath (though surely even then I must have felt it was slightly unfair that the text 'okayed' it by saying he wouldn't be beautiful if he wasn't still good inside?). I didn't find the other two books until much later, when I was older and more dubious about the 'romance' of a beautiful but abusive vampire whose true character she knew nothing about. Imagine my amazement as rivals and uncertain feelings began to cast doubt on that original romance... and maybe, just maybe, ended with the girl getting the girl. (And beyond that, letting me eat my cake and have it too, by building up Irrylath a little and giving the lovers of my childhood a brief beautiful moment together.)

So, okay, I have a lot of feelings about this canon. In my personal version of what-happens-next, Erin and Aeriel totally become lovers, Irrylath goes on a quest to try and win her back and in the process of his journey of personal discovery finds that he's actually happier elsewhere, and he and Aeriel at last meet again and then part as friends, content... but that's a whole novel in itself, at least.

Possible prompts:

A love scene between them in the series's poetic style (no need to be kinky here! just romantic)

One of them telling the tale of how they fell in love to their daughter? (These two can totally have science babies together.)

Some of Erin's adventures on her own in the time that they're separated during the books, and how she discovers and deals with her feelings about Aeriel?

Or the love epiphany on Aeriel's part, after the books - how does she realise her feelings are more than friendly, how does she reconcile them with her feelings for Irrylath? Perhaps while Erin goes on a trip alone to visit the Sea-of-Dust and Aeriel is alone with her thoughts?

World-building, figuratively and literally! What is life like in NuRavenna? How do they go about the process of restoring the world? What tools do they use and what do they look like? Spin me a picture!

While I dislike pregnancy fluff, pregnancy angst/drama might be possible here. What if that one night with Irrylath had a very unexpected result? Given Aeriel's new position and the history of the water witch, would she be panicked at the prospect? Would she be pleased to have a part of Irrylath with her always, or tormented by the reminder? How would Erin feel? Would Aeriel feel compelled to give the child away because of her responsibilities? Given her own history how would she feel about that? Will it even be possible for her to carry a child to term without more intervention, given her new body and all its changes? What if she ends up needing Erin's input somehow to stabilise the baby, resulting in a child born from all three of them?

IF YOU WANT TO WRITE SMUT: try to keep it in tone, more romantic and poetic and elaborate prose.

DNW: Major character death. Irrylath-bashing - I don't want him to end up with Aeriel but I don't want him to suddenly turn into a villain and get written off either.

Poison Ivy (1992 film)

Sylvie Cooper, Ivy

I was struggling through the confusions of puberty, Ivy was hot, this film left an impression on me. In a way it's perfect as it is, and trying to build any sort of happy ending for Ivy feels out of place, but on the other hand there's a lot of loose ends left after the story.

Throughout the film, there's a lot the audience never knows about Ivy, including her legal name. Did Coop know it? (Maybe, probably.) Did her father? (Quite possibly not). How do they handle all the legal responsibilities of her death? Were Ivy's stories about the aunt she was staying with true? How do they break the news?  How does her funeral go?  

What do Sylvie and her father have to say to each other about Ivy after the truth comes out? Does he admit everything that he did? How does he handle the guilt? How do they rebuild their relationship?

What is school like, afterwards? What rumors escape? How does Coop handle them?

Or - what if Ivy survives the fall? Seriously injured, possibly paralysed, but alive? How do they deal with her, once the truth comes out? Do they cover up her crimes? Do they keep her in their home? What happens to their relationships?

For AUs, what would have happened if Ivy had met Coop when they were several years younger, so she couldn't get her hooks into Darryl as easily? What if they met at summer camp and Ivy was just as messed-up and needy but the situations were different? What if the movie plot is actually a fantasy younger-Ivy spins about her future to her fascinated-and-appalled friend, who then has a chance to react to it?

IF YOU WANT TO WRITE SMUT: I'm fine with Sylvie/Ivy, I'm okay with Darryl/Ivy but I would rather he not be the focus of the story (Sylvie catching them having sex has possibilities, or Ivy thinking about Sylvie while seducing Darryl)

DNW: Anyone other than Ivy to die, Ivy to marry Darryl

Picnic at Hanging Rock

Hester Appleyard, Sara Waybourne

Note: I have not read the book or seen the 1975 movie, I've only seen the miniseries. You can draw ideas from other versions if you want but you'll have to explain what you're talking about or I may not get the reference.

First off, TV Sara is the cutest thing and I want to protect her (and, well, THAT obviously didn't work out). Second, I feel like the relationship between Hester and Sara is interestingly ambiguous (what isn't, in this show?). Hester seems both antagonistic and friendly to Sara in different ways, and it seems clearly suggested that she's reminded of her own orphan past. She sometimes wants to bond with her and othertimes wants to furiously reject her. She fears that Sara knows far too much, and she's tempted to tell her more.

The circumstances of Sara's death are very unclear, though we see that Hester knows something and is covering it up. What happened between them on that final night? Did Hester push Sara out in a rage? Did they struggle, up in the tower on a windy night, and a careless shove let Sara fall? Did Hester try to save her? Did Sara leap from the tower in despair? Did Sara try to climb out to escape and fall? How did Hester find out that Sara was dead, and why did she choose to deal with it in the way she did (pretending Sara had left but not disposing of the body)? What was she thinking? Or did she truly convince herself Sara had just 'disappeared' like the other girls?

So things that I'd be particularly interested in, storywise:

A depiction of the details and the drama of that final, fatal night Any scene in which they really open up to each other and share secrets we didn't see in the series (which might or might not end with Hester threatening Sara to shut her up) AU in which Hester adopts Sara herself and trains her to follow in her footsteps? Possibly where she uses Sara as a bridge to marry Mr Cosgrove? (Dark and mysterious things should still happen, just DIFFERENT ones) AU in which it's Hester who falls to her death after their last confrontation in the tower. Sara lives! But she might be suspected of murder, especially if for some reason Hester named her in the will and left her the school. What happens to the school and Sara now?

Angst and drama are likely. Killing either or both characters is fine. Depictions of self-harm and child abuse consistent with the series are fine, but tag it. No sexual abuse please.

Smutwise: Not with each other! In keeping with the style of the show, some light sexual scenes might work well for filling in character info (what IS hester's sexuality anyway? If Sara Lives, how does she eventually move on from Miranda?) but this is not a kink request.

DNW: Hester/Sara slash. A super-happy fix-it fic. This is a dark canon, so I'm okay with the threat of someone being pruriently interested in Sara or young Hester, but I absolutely don't want anyone to do anything sexual to Sara while she's underage. It's okay to imply that young Hester might have been molested or prostituted but I don't want to see it happen in detail.

Kushiel's Legacy

Phedre's Younger Sibling

Ever since someone mentioned it I've been intrigued by the idea of what happened to Phedre's little sister or brother, the one her mother was pregnant with when Phedre was sold to the Night Court. We know her parents probably died during the Bitterest Winter, of fever or of war, because they never tried to meet with Phedre once she was famous. But her sibling might never have even known Phedre's name or that she even existed, so they might have lived past that point without ever having a reason to contact her. What sort of life did that second child, four years younger than Phedre, have?

Phedre's coloring and defiant nature might read quite differently on a beautiful young man, a clever one with a knack for getting into trouble. Did he grow up bouncing along on slightly more successful caravans, learning scraps of Skaldi and Caerdicci as they traveled? Did he develop the business sense his father lacked? Did he beg caravan guards to teach him swordplay? Did a young love of travel combined with his parents tendency to bad fortune lead to him signing on as a sailor while he was still basically a child?

A boy might also be less likely to hear even a whisper of rumor of the lost older daughter. A boy might have been embraced as Firstborn and Heir by his father and never doubt.

A second daughter, however, one with a passing resemblance to Phedre but without Kushiel's dart and its mixed blessings, her existence might be more complicated. Looking at her might be a constant reminder of the shame of what happened with their first daughter. She might qualify for the canon of one of the Houses, but her parents might have felt themselves unable to return to the city of Elua to trade her, for fear of incurring the wrath of Cereus House. Might they have sold her somewhere else, even on the open market as a slave, as Phedre feared her fate might have been if her parents had been desperate enough? Or perhaps she was less pretty, less useful, and found herself abandoned at a temple of Naamah or Elua by her family? (We meet a Liliane at the temple where Imriel grew up and Phedre notes that was her mother's name. She seems a little bit young to be Phedre's sister but it's not impossible, and there's certainly a story in what happened to her if she is.)

But if a sister grew up looking a great deal like Phedre but without that divine spark, might she have been seized by someone precisely because of that resemblance? Someone who longed for the heroine but could not afford or entice the Comtesse de Montreve, so instead acquired their own little discount version? Or someone with a grudge against Phedre that they dared not act on, so kept a girl to punish in her place, never knowing it was actually her sister?

Or perhaps Phedre's wayward parents settled down a bit and matured and lived a respectable middle-class life outside the City of Elua, and this younger sister or brother lived a very ordinary d'Angeline life, until the Bitterest Winter. If they were sixteen and suddenly orphaned by fever, what did they do then? Take up arms to fight the Skaldi invasion? Go in search of more distant relatives? Philippe Cantrel had at least a father and two older brothers - we can assume Grandfather died and the inheriting elder brothers didn't remember Phedre's name or weren't paying enough attention to know she existed. But the child might have returned to the city seeking these uncles out of desperation. Or they might have been killed or enslaved by the Skaldi. Or all sorts of things.

I guess what I'm looking for here is a viewpoint on events within Terre d'Ange from a character who isn't important, isn't divinely touched, doesn't know exactly what all the great houses are up to, and never has any idea how closely connected they are to great events. Some dramatic irony and angst welcome. Possibly they live a short, unremarkable life and die alone. Possibly they make something of themselves, but without ever becoming rich and famous and royally connected. Whoever they are, Phedre never knows.

IF YOU WANT TO WRITE SMUT: go for it, just see my general smut-DNWs at the top.

DNW: Accidental incest between Phedre and her sibling. The sibling turning out to be a secret behind-the-scenes savior who was responsible for some major event in the plot. Either sibling ever figuring out that they're related.

[fitzonomy]

Dear Therapist.

Every Wednesday (except for the last Wednesday of the month), I write my therapist. I’ll post them here. I’ve been working with this therapist for three years, seeing her once a week. Recently, I decided I wanted to try to reduce my number of visits to once a month but I wanted check-ins. We agreed I could email her. Trigger warnings for everything under the fucking sun for these posts. If you don’t want to be sad, please click this link. Read more after the cut:

I've been mulling over the purpose of keeping in contact with you in-between our face-to-face meetings. Too many hours were spent agonizing over how to optimize the therapeutic value of writing before I realized the answer was simple:

I simply need someone to talk to. Sure, that fact is confounded by chronic and acute issues (e.g. dealing with my current life situation) and events that have reverberated so strongly against myself that they still cause significant disturbances (e.g. my childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood); however, underneath all of those things, is the need for attention.

I'm human. It's natural.

The problem with talking to other people is the work I have to do in order to pretend I genuinely care about someone else's problems or feelings. This is not to say there are times I don't genuinely care--I would just rather the burden be permanently removed from my responsibility.

But with a therapist, I'm allowed a brief respite and can pick and choose whether to engage in that work (the work of keeping up my end of a relationship, caring about another's feelings or thoughts, thinking about the consequences of my actions, etc).

So, that's the point. I get a tiny break from those responsibilities and some attention. Seems reasonable.

Then another few hours were spent on how to work within that need. I finally decided on something pretty mundane: storytelling. I've not given much thought on what to story to tell but I've settled on:

Why Ash Has Fought Against Embracing Writing and Art

My mother earned an AFA in her late 20s from a local community college in Louisiana. Before this, I drew and wrote quite a bit but her work and her descriptions of her art classes had me simultaneously enthralled and terrified. I wanted what she was experiencing so badly it hurt but I never believed I could do anything like it. My mother never gave me any indication or support that I could but didn't discourage me from drawing or other acts of creativity. Although, I can never be quite sure if this was actual support or extreme apathy. By the time I really got into creating, she was in the thick of her anorexia and the abuse in our household had grown so thick that it crept out the cracks of doors and windows. Opening the front door, I usually held my breath and had to count 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 until I reached my room-- the safest place in the house. For me anyway.

During this time. we owned a short, squat coffee table that had an oval top and an elevated slat underneath where we kept our photo albums. I spent one Saturday cutting up old copy paper into the shapes of buildings and taping them to the edge of the coffee table. It was a tiny, paper village that looked in on itself. If I gave it a name, I don't remember what it was. I never imagined people or weather or anything; it was just a tiny place I created and I was so pleased with it. My mother let me keep it up for a day or two. I think my father yelled at me about the tape on the wood. Either that or he never said anything about it.

It's strange how both of those memories seem equally likely. I tend to talk a lot when there's silence because in my experience, silence is always a prelude to something worse. I can never decide which was worse: the silence that usually lingered in public family spaces with my dad or the constant, angry din of my step-father. I suppose there is no sonic safe space for me. This probably explains why I cling to music in which silence and not-silence live in harmony with one another--nay, depend on one another to make sense.

While Paper Village was around, my mother was always on the couch. She worked as a page at one of the libraries and, coupled with lack of calories, she had nothing to give by the time she came home.

Like I said, I'm not sure if her strange encouragement was real or if it just took too much energy for her to give anything but positive reinforcement. Engaging with her children would have taken more than she had to give because she was too busy eating herself alive, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Or maybe she just allowed other things to eat at her and all she had to do was lay there and suffer.

I can empathize. To an extent. I know that feeling, wanting to be consumed from the inside out.

We inherit our parents's trauma although we'll never fully understand it.

I hated my last nurse practitioner from the outpatient behavioral realm of the hospital. I just expected more of her and instead I heard the same things over and over again when it came to self-mutilation: "You did it to feel alive."

I don't think that's true. I don't think that's true for either me or my mother. "Alive" is to simple a thing to describe wanting to be eaten whole. There is disconnection between the mind and the body, the space between my brain and my body and my thoughts become universe-wide gaps and I'd be gasping for air in the vacuum of space and I just needed something, something, something to tether me back.

So, perhaps I shouldn't hate her for using a shorthand for something she cannot begin to fathom.

Except for that stupid, trite plaque that was painted teal and proclaimed in white, curvy letters: Success is not for the lazy.

Never mind. I still hate her.

I can't remember if my mother was laying on the couch when she told me that one day I'd write the "next great American novel." It certainly happened before the age of 10. And I certainly remember thinking, "Nope."

I stopped drawing my comics after she became excited and entertained ideas of me publishing my work. It was silly. A lot of my comics featured a cat who was a superhero and who saved the world from silly things like a slushie floods (blue raspberry-flavored because I have and always will hate that flavor). She said I should write a full story and illustrate it. She suggested a tour of Egypt since I was into Egyptology at the time. I was excited. I drew. I wrote. It wasn't great. I was 8 or 9, why would it be? I showed it to her. She then said that I had to work harder because it wasn't good enough.

Ah, there we are. A more-than-likely formative moment.

I stopped drawing the cat. I stopped drawing the comics. If I drew, I kept things to myself. It was easier. I kept my writing to myself. Then, at the age of 14 or 15, after my stepfather searched my room "for drugs," both my mother and he had me sit down because they'd found all the notebooks I'd hidden. They yelled. They demanded to know what all of it meant. I was 14 or 15. It meant nothing except I'd created it.

My propensity for coming up with overwrought and over-thought explanations for things isn't an accident. Well, not entirely one of pure ontological origin. They wanted to know what I was doing, what it all meant. It meant nothing except I'd created it.

But it wasn't enough. There had to be more! There was meaning underneath all of it! An abnormal psych college textbook was omnipresent in our home. While it sat on the bookshelf, it loomed over me while both of them demanded to know what it all meant!

"Yes, hello?" Present Me answers, exasperated with the amount of phone calls I've been forced to deal with lately. "Oh, it's just you. Go back to the 1940s, psychoanalytics."

But I was 14 or 15 so the next day, my face still red and my mind still detached from my body, I put all of my notebooks and sketchbooks in my backpack and discretely trashed them all in a school dumpster.

There is still a tinge of pain in heart whenever I think of a pink journal I had with an orange kitten on it, looking up at me from the trash. I remember thinking to myself, "This has to be done."

I am good at doing what needs to be done.

So, you've never asked, but it wasn't like I never wanted to be a writer and/or artist.

I just didn't want to say any of the things I've written aloud.

Because sometimes I think about the Paper Village and the pink journal with the orange kitten on it and it's too much. I'm starting to tear up even now. I'm just infinitely adaptable. I've got a mind that is passably good at most school subjects but not quite what anyone wants. I hit that wall with the PhD program. I'd been found out for the fraud I am. "Go back to your Paper Village!" is what I scream at myself when I wonder if my adviser sabotaging my quals was something everyone agreed to. "Ash is a fraud. Put out the hit." Except it doesn't happen quick and bloody. It happened slow and snotty and with a fire that didn't quite eat me whole but left me a pile of ashes.

But then I remember all the times I'd tried getting back into art, taking an art class here and there in college, and thinking, "But they know I'm a fraud too!"  And I imagine everyone gathering around in a much more atmospheric location for clandestine meetings and agreeing, "Ash Brandt? She talks about her Zoology classes during Drawing I. We can't have this. She's far too interested in Biology for this. Put out the hit."

And it didn't happen quick and bloody. It happened slow and snotty and with a fire that left me mostly burned, licking my wounds all the way to a Liberal Arts, BA because I could never get anything right.

Or, this is all bullshit I put together because, if anything, I know how to tell a good story.

Until next week.

[sparrowsabre7]

Logan non-spoiler review

The trailer spoiled it for me.

This is a common complaint many moviegoers are making these days, trailers that show too much, ruin the best moments and surprises, or feel like an abridged version of the whole movie. However, when I say that the trailer spoiled Logan for me, this is not what I mean. What I mean is that it completely misrepresented the movie, or at least what I wanted to get out of it. The first Logan trailer was pitch perfect, a rendition of Johnny Cash’s cover of “Hurt”, played over contemplative scenes of an older, world-wearied Logan, slowly rising to a crescendo before displaying the movie title. It was melancholy, affecting, but most of all it was beautiful. Logan is not beautiful.

This is not to say it is not a good movie, everything is fantastically done, from the action setpieces, to the character moments, but sadly one thing I cannot say it is, is beautiful. This is what I mean by saying it was spoiled for me: I was expecting a movie that tugged at the heartstrings, that was dark, maybe at times depressing, but one that would ultimately have me leave the cinema with a sense of sadness, but of the bittersweet variety. Instead I left the cinema physically drained and mentally and emotionally wrought. Logan is not beautiful, or bittersweet, it is ugly and harrowing, with most all moments of optimism and light almost immediately crushed. It’s less “right in the feels” and more “right in my nerves”. It has been said that it is not a superhero movie and I would agree on this, but I would argue that what it is is a horror movie.

 The movie deals with what TVTropes terms “adult fears”: dementia, growing old, what we leave behind, children being hurt. It is undeniably a powerful film, well-shot and well-acted by all parties, but definitely a film meant to be admired rather than enjoyed. I should state at this point I loved Mangold’s previous X-men film “The Wolverine”, which is a movie that, final fight aside, struck a perfect balance between action movie and character drama, whilst retaining a sense of entertainment. This is not present in this movie, but I suppose that is the point; a movie does not have to be fun, not all movies have to leave you with a sense of wanting more at the end, sometimes they just present themselves and say “this is what I am”, which is arguably what “Logan” is all about.

 If this is to be Jackman and Stewart’s last performances as Logan and Xavier respectively then they have gone out on a high. Both play damaged versions of their former selves, both wracked with pain and guilt, the movies best moments come from simply having them talk to each other. From the amount this was made of in the promotion of the movie, however, I felt a little short-changed that there wasn’t more of it. The lovely dinner scene that I was highly anticipating and acts as the centrepiece of the movie, was indeed touching and moving, but over far too soon and then back to the relentlessness of the rest of the film. I had expected a scene on par with the interrogation scene in the Dark Knight in length, but it can’t be more than a few minutes. It’s worth mentioning that Boyd Holbrook as Donald Pierce, and Stephen Merchant as Caliban, both put in good turns, though ultimately somewhat shafted in screentime. Dafne Keen as Laura is the movie’s scene stealer, excellent in action scenes and quieter moments alike and definitely an actor to watch moving forward.

 The movie does have some long stretches of stillness, but these are no relief, a tension pervades the entire film and I didn’t feel my body figuratively unclench itself until the credits were rolling. Part of this is the violence, which has been talked about frequently. I want to make a distinction here, the action scenes are certainly spectacular, and what every Wolverine has wanted since the beginning of the movie franchise. Some very well choreographed and messily brutal scenes appear in the film, but I would argue it is not the gore or blood that makes the film so harrowing and tense. The violence in the film is not simply the blood and limbs flying all over the place, but the emotional violence both on and offscreen and the sheer weight of worrying about the fate of these characters. What the blood and gore accomplishes is that it makes you afraid for the characters; in other X-men films, you might worry that a character doesn’t make it through, but you know it will probably not be that bad. Someone might disintegrate, or be shot, or maybe they will be stabbed, but off screen in a PG-13/12a way. In this movie the realism of the violence makes every scene filled with pure terror as to what horrible thing might happen to the characters, not even children are safe in this movie. As a side note, god knows how this was passed as a 15. It’s ridiculous that “Legend”, “Sin City”, and “Alien” are 18s when this movie exists.

 From this tirade I am probably giving the impression that I didn’t like “Logan”, and to be honest, I wasn’t sure I did when I first left the cinema though acknowledging its quality. With time to reflect though, I realised that I do like a lot of what the movie does, it was that my expectations had been so coloured by the trailer that I anticipated a different emotional response. I think ultimately, I like what it does, and appreciate it for what it is, even though it is not the movie I was expecting. If I have one main criticism, is that there are times when it feels like the movie is trying too hard to be a “grown up” movie, a few too many instances of gratuitous swearing, a couple of instances where the viscera is not earned or needed (we know that violence is bad and has consequences by this point in the movie, we don’t need it to go this far), but also some of the emotional beats feel overwrought for the express purpose of being upsetting.

I think the most apt summation I can give to “Logan” is that it feels like the best and worst aspects of a stage play, trying at once to be poignant and contemplative, while at the same time, not very subtly bludgeoning you over the head with what you’re supposed to be feeling at this point. It doesn’t help that you are so on edge throughout that the film doesn’t really leave you any time to feel anything but anxious, turning what should be a character drama into emotional terrorism.

“Logan” is a good film, but don’t expect to enjoy it.

[idle-flower]

dear yuletide author - 2018

Thank you for your time and attention, and I hope your wishes are granted this holiday!

Likes:

I prefer plot and angst and adventure to fluff, though a nice warm fluffy scene can make a good dessert at the end of the pain and suffering. I lean more to f/f and m/f than m/m. I enjoy forbidden relationships. I love exploring the 'what if' spinoffs of a small change in a canon. I swoon for lovers who take dramatic risks to protect their loved ones.

I also enjoy detailed description of clothing/furniture/jewelry/pretty things in general. Not just heaping up brand names, but sensory detail.

Dislikes:

Please avoid sweeping tropey AUs like 'what if noir' or 'what if everyone was in high school'. I'm REALLY picky about comedy so it's probably not a good idea to go for wacky funny stuff. No excited rambling about pregnancy or babies. (Older kids are okay.) While I am okay with pretty dark stuff, please don't gorily torture characters to death on screen. If people gotta die, limit the details! I am generally not keen on crossovers. I dislike PWP unless it is exceedingly hot smut (see below).

Smut:

I don't require it, but I do read a good bit of filthy porn.

Kinks I find interesting: mild bdsm, pain mixed with pleasure, dubcon, sibling or cousin incest, strap-ons, futanari and other magical appendages, teasing, teenagers, drugs/magic with interesting effects, people making terrible decisions due to being emotionally overwrought or really really horny

PLEASE NO: 

rape or painful sex that one party is not enjoying at all, inserting anything edible (licking off boobs is okay), aggressive face-fucking, choking, degradation, scat/watersports, bukkake, parental incest, anyone younger than teen, emphasis on 'virgin blood' (some writers make it a huge deal with tearing pain and fountains of blood, please don't).

Mathnet / Square One TV

Kate Monday

Kate Monday was my idol and unrecognised crush. Her solving any short mystery and being awesome will please me. 80s, modern, California, globe-trotting, whatever. Could even go for a bit of an X-Files gag, where Kate and George are assigned to something really spooky and he believes the mystical explanation and she sticks to logic and numbers (and is proved right in the end). No shipping needed.

Optional crossover: Inspector Gadget. Penny Gadget grows up and joins the Mathnet team and Kate is her mentor and they do nerdy things together with NO BLONDE JOKES. No sassy Legally Blonde stuff, no overcoming sexism, just pure competence porn where they are good at what they do and everyone takes them seriously and it never occurs to anyone to doubt them just because of their hair/gender. I'm not shipping them together romantically though, too much age gap for my taste. But if you wanted to indulge me ridiculously, Kate could have a wife and Penny could be inspired to consider a girlfriend.

PLEASE NO KATE/GEORGE. George is married and I prefer Lesbian Kate.

It would be weird to go smutty here honestly. Keep it T?

Poison Ivy (1992 film)

Sylvie Cooper, Ivy

I was struggling through the confusions of puberty, Ivy was hot, this film left an impression on me. In a way it's perfect as it is, and trying to build any sort of happy ending for Ivy feels out of place, but on the other hand there's a lot of loose ends left after the story.

Throughout the film, there's a lot the audience never knows about Ivy, including her legal name. Did Coop know it? (Maybe, probably.) Did her father? (Quite possibly not). How do they handle all the legal responsibilities of her death? Were Ivy's stories about the aunt she was staying with true? How do they break the news?  How does her funeral go?  

What do Sylvie and her father have to say to each other about Ivy after the truth comes out? Does he admit everything that he did? How does he handle the guilt? How do they rebuild their relationship?

What is school like, afterwards? What rumors escape? How does Coop handle them?

Or - what if Ivy survives the fall? Seriously injured, possibly paralysed, but alive? How do they deal with her, once the truth comes out? Do they cover up her crimes? Do they keep her in their home? What happens to their relationships?

For AUs, what would have happened if Ivy had met Coop when they were several years younger, so she couldn't get her hooks into Darryl as easily? What if they met at summer camp and Ivy was just as messed-up and needy but the situations were different? What if the movie plot is actually a fantasy younger-Ivy spins about her future to her fascinated-and-appalled friend, who then has a chance to react to it?

Smutwise, I'm fine with Sylvie/Ivy, I'm okay with Darryl/Ivy but I would rather he not be the focus of the story (Sylvie catching them having sex has possibilities, or Ivy thinking about Sylvie while seducing Darryl)

The Parent Trap (Hayley Mills version)

Sharon, Susan

Two girls who are rivals clashing with each other are exiled to a camp cabin together to learn to get along. What better setup for sparks to fly?

Yes, that's right, I'm requesting twincest. I want the girls to develop a romantic and/or sexual relationship, BEFORE they realise they're actually related.

Ideally I'd like to read the whole trajectory from them being sent off together, the attraction building, and once they're established as a relationship, THEN have them find out they're twins and have to deal with the repercussions. Are they horrified, or determined to stay together? How does that affect their plans for their parents?

But I'm also fine with just plain smutting this and leaving the rest of the story for another day. How might these two get together, when they don't know any better? Catfight that turns into hatefucking that turns into something deeper? One of them is sick/injured/sad and the hurt/comfort melts their hatred for each other? They get curious about how alike they really are and check each other out naked, because 'we're both girls so it doesn't really count', and events get way out of hand?

If the incest squicks you, I will settle for after-the-film fic showing them trying to settle into their new lives together, dealing with each other's old school friends and so on. "Surprise twin" must lead to some interesting reactions, surely, and sharing everything won't always be easy when they don't have a common enemy to gang up on.

Darkangel Trilogy - Meredith Ann Pierce

Erin, Aeriel

OTP territory here.

I read the first book when I was fairly young and was, like many, drawn into the dangerous romance between Aeriel and Irrylath (though surely even then I must have felt it was slightly unfair that the text 'okayed' it by saying he wouldn't be beautiful if he wasn't still good inside?). I didn't find the other two books until much later, when I was older and more dubious about the 'romance' of a beautiful but abusive vampire whose true character she knew nothing about. Imagine my amazement as rivals and uncertain feelings began to cast doubt on that original romance... and maybe, just maybe, ended with the girl getting the girl. (And beyond that, letting me eat my cake and have it too, by building up Irrylath a little and giving the lovers of my childhood a brief beautiful moment together.)

So, okay, I have a lot of feelings about this canon. In my personal version of what-happens-next, Erin and Aeriel totally become lovers, Irrylath goes on a quest to try and win her back and in the process of his journey of personal discovery finds that he's actually happier elsewhere, and he and Aeriel at last meet again and then part as friends, content... but that's a whole novel in itself, at least.

Possible prompts:

A love scene between them in the series's poetic style (no need to be kinky here! just romantic)

One of them telling the tale of how they fell in love to their daughter? (These two can totally have science babies together.)

Some of Erin's adventures on her own in the time that they're separated during the books, and how she discovers and deals with her feelings about Aeriel?

Or the love epiphany on Aeriel's part, after the books - how does she realise her feelings are more than friendly, how does she reconcile them with her feelings for Irrylath? Perhaps while Erin goes on a trip alone to visit the Sea-of-Dust and Aeriel is alone with her thoughts?

World-building, figuratively and literally! What is life like in NuRavenna? How do they go about the process of restoring the world? What tools do they use and what do they look like? Spin me a picture!

While I dislike pregnancy fluff, pregnancy angst/drama might be possible here. What if that one night with Irrylath had a very unexpected result? Given Aeriel's new position and the history of the water witch, would she be panicked at the prospect? Would she be pleased to have a part of Irrylath with her always, or tormented by the reminder? How would Erin feel? Would Aeriel feel compelled to give the child away because of her responsibilities? Given her own history how would she feel about that? Will it even be possible for her to carry a child to term without more intervention, given her new body and all its changes? What if she ends up needing Erin's input somehow to stabilise the baby, resulting in a child born from all three of them?