#i haven't had to use most of them as of yet

[yumeka-sxf]

Spy x Family Character Tracker

I'm finally ready to unveil the super nerdy project I've been working on for the past month or so: the Spy x Family Character Tracker!

As for what this project is about, I'm using a Google Sheet to track the prevalence of each character in the Spy x Family manga. I do this by giving 1-3 points to each character based on how often and significantly they appear in each manga chapter. Basically, the more often a character appears, the more points they will get. You can check the actual Google Sheet (link below) for more details. And don't forget to read the "About" tab to understand how everything is calculated!

**Click HERE to view the project in Google Sheets**

Not sure how many other people would be interested in this, but I thought it would be a cool thing to track as the series progresses. Obviously Loid, Anya, and Yor will always be top three, but I'm curious how the other characters' prevalence will play out, especially characters who haven't appeared much yet but seem significant, like Melinda and Shopkeeper.

Some interesting notes:

-When I started working on the project, Loid and Anya were constantly vying for 1st place, but Loid was usually just a bit ahead...until the bus hijacking arc when Anya overtook him, which was helped further by the recent Eden end of term arc.

-Even though Yor has fewer points than Loid, she currently has more 3 point chapters than him.

-Damian currently holds 1st place for most prevalent side character (also helped by the hijacking and end of term arcs). Bond would probably be 4th place overall if he had dialogue.

-I can't believe Ewen and Emile have more points than Franky! But it's mostly due to them appearing in pretty much every Eden chapter, though they usually only get 1 point for those. Franky may have less points, but he has more 3 point chapters!

Just like my story guide project, I'll be updating this Google Sheet every time there's a new chapter. Thankfully I've set it up so most of it will automatically update. I just have to input the characters and points for the new chapter.

Enjoy!

[cyberbabyangell]

₊˚⊹☆after becoming a shifter...

hello! its been a while because school started, also because i had no idea what to post while i wrote about the innerspace..i was bombarded with 99+ likes and reposts so THANK YOU SO MUCH?? 😭 so did that happen on tiktok- i had 110 followers when i last checked, its been a month im at 300 😨 anyway i love u guys mwah 🫶

I legit forgot the concept of OCs 😭 like whenever i """create other people""" it's always people i know/ill script in one of my many drs, when i see people create someone i'm like "..OHR IGHT THIS IS YOUR CHARACTER AND NOT SOMEONE YOU KNOW IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE......."

I get so confused at the "life is short, YOLO" philosophies and it genuinely doesn't sit right with me anymore 😭

my brain somehow decided to put "shifter" as the default setting for every human my age i meet. "yeah i do that in my drs!" "in your WHAT." ".. sorry 😊"

i lost interest in media i know im NOT going to shift to 😭 like its a bit annoying but to me new media=new drs, and i dont willingly watch stuff i know im not shifting to which is so dumb.

self insert EVERYWHERE. im rarely the main character like in most my drs im less powerful than them, but i always see myself as this perfect being everyone loves and does everything right. kinda like the lucky girl in deadpool 2

whenever i see pretty people in the streets or meet nice people, im like "you're becoming my friend in my dr." so i may have 453455 friends that come from here that ive seen ONCE and probably even forgot about.

i kinda stopped asking questions to myself because in my waiting room rn i have a library with the answers to everything so.

i like dilemmas from my drs but i know they don't really matter because i'll go to a reality that has the perfect middle ground or a perfect 3rd option, even if its something that's currently beyond my comprehension

i like reminding myself im literally everything. like also objects cause its funny

whenever i see someone i admire or i like what they do i snatch it from them. "omg i like these songs!" and boom i sung those in my dr. "omg i love this content!" and boom i pioneered it.

i'm trying to get used to not be in 2024. theres not a single dr i shift to in 2024, and if i get caught lacking i might go on an fbi watchlist. like NOBODY can catch me saying rizz or singing songs that haven't been released yet. (also side note. IT SOUNDS SO TORTUROUS TO NOT BE ABLE TO LISTEN TO 80% OF MY CURRENT PLAYLIST CAUSE IT HASNT RELEASED YET. i be humming doing it first in 2020 😾)

˚　　　　✦　　　.　　. 　 ˚　.　　　　　 . ✦　　　 　˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔

　　　.   　　˚　　 　　*　　 　　✦　　　.　　.　　　✦　˚ 　　　　 ˚　.˚　　　　✦　　　.　　. 　 ˚　.　　　　 　　 　　　　 ੈ✧̣̇˳·˖✶ ✦　　

[lucy90712]

Ruben Dias fluff!! Any thing you want, I trust you

Having kids is the most stressful and rewarding thing I've ever done but I wouldn't have it any other way. The biggest downside is that Ruben doesn't get to be around as much as he's like to as he's always got training or matches but when he's around he always spends every second helping me or playing with our oldest son Milo even if he's tired he treasures every second he gets to spend at home with us. 

Since I gave birth to our daughter Ruben has barely been home he got a couple of days off training and then it's been all go since. There has been matches every weekend and then champions league during the week so he's hardly been home which makes life difficult. Caring for a newborn and entertaining a two year old on little to no sleep is exhausting but Ruben helps where he can and he even gets his brother to come over when he's not around which is a great help. 

This weekend Ruben finally has a few days off after such a packed schedule Pep gave all the players a couple days off training to rest and recuperate ready for the next run of games. Rest isn't a thing in our household right now but I don't think Ruben minds he just wants to be home and actually spend time with the kids. I know he feels awful that he hasn't got to bond with our daughter Alice as much as he'd want to as he's not here during the day when she's awake and looking around but I always send him pictures and videos so he feels like he's involved too. 

Just like every morning I expected to be woken up at the crack of dawn by a toddler screaming in the baby monitor and a newborn crying right next to my head. When I woke up and saw that it was nearly 9am I freaked out and then when I saw that the baby wasn't in her bassinet I nearly had a panic attack. That's when my sensible brain took over my mum brain and I realised that Ruben also wasn't in bed next to be so he must have Alice and that made me feel so much better. After I calmed down I got out of bed and headed downstairs where I could already hear the chaos which is weirdly nice to hear. When I finally made it downstairs I saw Ruben in the kitchen holding Alice while trying to make pancakes and with Milo at his feet. I took Alice from him quickly so he could focus on breakfast but before I knew it I was also holding Milo as he's definitely a mama's boy and he doesn't like to leave my side when I'm around. 

"Thank you for letting me sleep in you didn't have to do that I know you're tired too" I said 

"You don't have to thank me I know you don't get much sleep and you need it to deal with those two I get to sleep when I’m away for matches so it's only fair that you get to have a lay in" he said 

"Well I still appreciate it I feel like a new woman now" I laughed 

"Good and I've got breakfast all ready for you" Ruben said while handing me a plate of pancakes 

We ate breakfast as a family or our version of eating as a family which is taking a bite of our own food every few minutes after having to cut bits up for Milo and sometimes having to feed it to him when he refuses to eat. Then more often than not Alice seems to sense when I'm eating and all of a sudden wants feeding so I have to eat with just one hand. Ruben had managed to get Milo to eat all of his pancakes while I still had a mostly full plate as I was feeding Alice so Ruben switched his attention to me and cut my pancakes and fed them to me like the perfect husband he is. 

To spend some quality time together Ruben suggested we go to the park and seeing as I've got him to help me I had no reason to disagree. He took care of getting Milo ready while I got Alice ready and we made it out the house as a family of four for the first time which sounds crazy as Alice is three weeks old now but Ruben's been around so little we haven't had the chance to go anywhere all together yet. Leaving the house is never easy but eventually we got out the house with me having Alice in the carrier and pushing the stroller while Milo walked as he refused to get in the stroller. 

The walk to the park isn't a long one so we got there pretty quickly and when we did Milo took off and made a beeline straight for the slide as he loves going down the slide. Ruben followed close behind while I found somewhere to sit with Alice as she was due a feed before she naps again. Watching Ruben play with Milo made me a little emotional hearing Milo laughing as Ruben chased him around the park is exactly how I pictured parenthood there is no better sound than hearing your child laughing it always fills my heart with joy. Milo can be difficult at times which I think comes down to missing his dad but I couldn't care less about that when I get to see the two of them happy and playing together. 

"Mama come play" Milo said as he ran over to me 

"I would love to play with you buddy but mama's still recovering I can push you on the swing if you'd like though" I said 

"Yeah let's go mama" he said running off again 

I gave Alice to Ruben so I could push Milo on the swing which he thoroughly enjoyed he wanted to go higher and higher until I physically couldn't push him any higher. As he was swinging Ruben started to pull faces at him from across the park which only made him laugh more. This is exactly why I think Ruben is the best dad he has always been so great since the moment Milo was born our kids just love to be around him as he always makes them happy. It wasn't long before Milo wanted to get out of the swing so I got him out and he dragged me off to the rest of the play equipment which I wasn't going to go on as I'm only just three weeks post partum but I just can't say no to him. We climbed up the climbing wall and ran around the little castle type thing it brings you to before going down the slide which was more than enough for me. 

We stayed at the park for a while longer until Milo had run out of energy and climbed into the stroller himself. Ruben took the stroller which now also had Alice in too and held my hand as we walked back home. Both kids fell asleep in the stroller so Ruben and I kept walking even when we went past the house so they'd known stay asleep and we could have some peace. We decided to walk into town and got some fresh bread and other things to make lunch when we got back home. As soon as the stroller stopped Milo woke up and wanted to get out so Ruben unbuckled him and off he went to play with his toys. 

Our afternoon started out much the same as our morning with us trying to get Milo to sit still long enough to eat lunch and then we went straight back to playing. As a family we all played with Milo's trucks and cars in the little world he's created where they all have a role. The things kids come up with is just fascinating their little minds are so creative. Before Milo was born Ruben and I spent countless evenings wondering what kind of personality he would develop but I would've never predicted that he'd be such a character he's always making me laugh with the things he comes out with but he's also such a kind little boy he always thinks about me and his sister. 

After a long day of running around and playing the kids were definitely tired and of course right after dinner Milo cuddled up to my side and fell asleep while Alice slept on my chest and Ruben had his arm around my waist as I leant against his shoulder. We took a few moments to just relax and enjoy the calm as that doesn't happen often. Eventually Ruben picked up Milo and took him to bed and I was going to put Alice in her bassinet and grab the baby monitor but he told me to stay put and he'd do it and I wasn't going to argue. He did exactly what he promised and then he came back to bring me upstairs as he'd started to run me a bath. 

I enjoyed my bath very much it was so relaxing I could feel the tension in my muscles that had built up over the last few weeks just disappear in the warm water. When I got out Ruben had pyjamas ready for me on the bed which I changed into and joined him in bed. He pulled me into his arms and started to press kisses all over my face which I've missed so much as I either sleep alone while Ruben is away or we don't get a moments peace as Alice has always been fussy at night. Tonight everything was quiet and it was amazing Ruben and I could enjoy some quality time together which we haven't had in a couple months. 

"I don't know how you deal with this all day everyday I'm exhausted" Ruben said 

"You get used to it some days they are calmer than others I think Milo was just excited you were around" I said 

"I'm sorry I haven't been here more I know the kids miss me but I can tell you miss me too even if you want say it" he said 

"It's ok I know why you aren't around it's not like you're out with friends while I'm here with two kids and yeah I miss having you here but that's selfish so I don't mention it" I admitted 

"Its not selfish you're allowed to feel like that and wish things were different I understand that things are hard and you'd like me to be around to help more that's not selfish I promise" he said 

"Everything is worth it though when we get moments like today and when Milo gets to watch you play on tv the hard moments don't matter anymore" I said

"I can't wait for Alice to come to her first game even if she doesn't remember I still remember when you first brought Milo along that was up there with one of the best days of my life" Ruben said 

"Maybe once we've both had our six week check up I'll bring her along to a game but we'll need to get her some little ear defenders" I said

"Of course but remember if you aren't ready you don't have to stick to that I'd much rather wait until you'll actually have a good time as it's supposed to be a good memory for all of us" he said 

We talked for a bit longer before Ruben turned a movie on and I knocked out within a few minutes as I didn't realise how tired I was but I fell asleep feeling completely happy and fulfilled.

[ihopesocomic]

That anon is baffling to me bc out of all the xenofiction I've seen, IHS is one of the best with how you use different face shapes and body silhouettes to distinguish characters that are the same species. Whereas a lot of anthro animal art just relies on fur/eye color or maybe a few "quirks" slapped onto otherwise identical models (cough cough, My Pride, and a lot of Warrior Cats official art, etc.) I think you're especially skilled at showing characters are related tp each other without making them look identical, which can be a hard thing to balance with animals that are hard to tell apart IRL. You're the best I've seen at that, genuinely.

Thank you! I haven't read enough xenofiction web comics to say what the best is, maybe Golden Shrike but I'm biased LOL

There's also just. A ton of details on a lions' face that I would've loved to include to make it more diverse, like unique whisker patterns. But its not necessary. No one's confusing anyone for anyone in our comic, at most they get names mixed up. If I were to one day up and decide to make the comic all greyscale, and take away everyone's mane, I'm confident enough in my abilities that readers would still be able to tell who is who. Even the ones who are related. (Plus we try to personalize their dialogue as well, so even if the characters aren't on-screen, you should still be able to tell who's speaking to who.)

That was one of our biggest criticisms of MP's character designs, no one looked related to each other, least of all any siblings. Which is a weird problem to have since COTW didn't have this problem? And its not like having characters with the same or similar eye color would've fixed or hindered the designs in any way. And yet the "solution" they had to making sure the males didn't look the same was giving them varying degrees of ridiculous hairstyles. One shouldn't have to rely on hair shape and accessories to make sure two characters aren't confused for each other lol

MP didn't even have the foresight to have a character Bible so you could know how big characters are compared to each other. Sometimes Hover is twice Nothing's size and other times she's the same size. But as I've said before, this wouldn't even be a problem if they built character models in Toon Boom lol you know, like what that program was made for. - Cat

[just-a-floofy-catt]

I feel like i haven't posted in forever again TwT

I found an old GlitterGolf idea drabble that I wrote after reading a really good fic about them buried in the depths of my phone so uh...

*throws it at you*

Omg a glittergolf fic with judgemental, sassy, hw2-esque Sun

So like, not only is there the trope of Monty disliking him and thinking hes annoying asf and a weird freak,  but now instead of being oblivious and nice, Sun returns the same energy, thinking that Monty is a selfish brute who shouldnt be trusted around children. Like, he'll make very off  comments about him and just spend the whole time scowling and trying to shoo him out XD

So, like, imagine there's a thing going on at the daycare.

Where, as almost like, a way to bring more business in and shit, theyve started having a daily thing where one of the glams will visit the kids there and do an activity with them for an hour or so. Usually its Freddy, sometimes its Chica, and rarely its Roxy. This is the first opportunity that Sun really gets to meet them, and it actually goes really well. Sun absolutely adores Freddy, has a new bestie in chica, and shockingly has some good banter and an unlikely friendship with Roxy.

However, theres a day where Freddy has to go for energency maintenence, and the others are all booked for parties.

Leaving only Monty free to do it.

Now, Monty has never done one of the shifts before, because he doesnt do well with the younger kids. Both because hes scary to alot of them, and because he also just doesnt really know how to deal with them. Maybe deep down theres even a deep rooted fear of hurting them 👀👀👀

(There definitely is)

But so he is absolutely NOT excited to go.

Despite the way that the rest of the Glams praise up Sunny and how great he is, Monty does not care and still views him as the same annoying freak he always did, despite not having met him yet.

So, he shows up and Sun opens the door all cheery being like "Oh hello Freddy! Youre a bit late i was worried you werent gonna show up and-"

And then he clocks that its monty.

"Oh."

He immediately glares down at him in pure, utter distain, voice filled with disappointment and mirth.

Monty stares back up at him with a huff, tense. If he had fur, his hackles would be absolutely raised.

Then Sun would be all like "ugh. Ew. why are you here", and Monty very bluntly explains that hes been forced to go and that Freddy is in maintenence.

Then Sun tries to shut the door on him XD

"Im sure the kids can go one day without a glamrock then! Ill let them know freddy is sick, thank you for telling me. Lovely to meet you, Montgomery!"

Monty stops the door by grabbing it stongly with his hand, scoring clawmarks into it.

"What do you think you're doing?!"

Sun scoffs at the damage

"Im the one taking over, dipshit. Im here to do my fuckin job"

The realization that hes truely stuck with Monty dawns on him, and he opens the door again, taking a deep breath.

"No swearing in the daycare..."

He spits it through gritted teeth and relents, turning his back to him and stalking away.

Then the cheery front goes back up and he completely changes XD

He introduces Monty to the kids as best as he can, but none of them really seem too interested, making him both snicker but also be incredibly frustrated that his dramatic intro didnt work.

(Also, to explain more character stuff, Sun is mostly in typical fanon form, and then uses all that hw2 sass mostly as a defence mechanism. Hes definitely got some mischief to him that he also uses it for, like banter with Roxanne, but for the most part hes a sweetheart. He gets easily frustrated with management and people that he doesnt like, but has alot of patience with activities like crafts and also with the kids. He is still like, painfully innocent and has his loopy childlike vibe, but just covers it up when he feels threatened. The best way i can describe it is that he acts like a playground bully when he doesnt like you. XD Still childish, but now just a more snarky, cold and mean version. Hes a bit cautious of some new things, although very curious. So he normally is a bit cautious around new people, but very welcoming and nice.

This is different for Monty, because of what he hears from the kids XD

Alot of them when mentioning him in passing, see Monty as scary and violent, so now thats how Sun views him. Alot of the kids see him as a threat, so now Sun does too. Hes protective of the kids, so of course hes jumped to judge someone he doesnt know based on whether the kids like him or not XD

Dont get me wrong, in some situations hed definitely try to show the kids the thing theyre scared of isnt so bad, but in the case of Monty, he has confirmation  that he can be angry and violent from the other glams and staff, so of course he still just sees him as bad lmao.

Like, the way he acts towards Monty is mostly because of mama bear instinct stuff. He sees him as a threat to the kids  so he doesnt like him.)

Enemies to lovers my beloved ✨️

But over time, Monty starts having to do it more and more, as inconveniences keep piling up, and Sun starts to kind of let his guard down, and the scathing defensiveness turns into teasing. He sees Monty actually trying to connect with some of the kids, and also after spending his whole life w Moon, understands that Monty is frustrated that theyre scared of him. He starts to see the good in Monty, and also pity him a bit.

Monty on the other hand, starts to admire how much Sunny cares about the kids, and steadily gets used to his upbeat and overly cheery demeanor. He no longer sees him as annoying, but instead, endearing.

And then theres eventually endgame GlitterGolf

[matrixbearer2024]

Based on poll, here's some stuff about Athena + sketchies of her that I will eventually finish digitally. I totally didn't stay up until 4 am to finish these doodles-

Audaces fortuna juvat

- Athena "F" Pines

Named after the Greek goddess of wisdom and war 'Athena' and the english scientist 'Michael Faraday', she is the youngest of Ford's triplets and inherited his polydactyly! (She also inherited his felony of a fashion sense but let's gloss over that.)

Compared to her siblings, she normally covers up entirely just by preference and not because she's hiding something(like Max is). No she doesn't die in the summer heat despite turtlenecks and sweaters because she runs cold and would sooner freeze than melt.

Teena's a daddy's girl through and through, to the point that she and Max would fuss on sharing papa Sixer back when they were babies. Thank goodness Fordsy had two hands!

She's likely the most pragmatic of her siblings but not the most cynical or paranoid. Her most common mood is just tired, since she mostly runs on energy drinks and pastries.

Teena's not really one for candy either so she doesn't even dive for the groceries when somebody brings home jelly beans like the men in her family. When she does indulge though, you can find her eating dark chocolate.

Is practically allergic to color and frankly her closet looks like it was meant for 20s television. Just blacks, whites, greys and some other muted shades. At least she doesn't wear the same thing over and over again compared to her father.

Doesn't denounce dresses but finds them quite impractical and would rather wear cargo pants. Again, pragmatic. She's also quite tomboyish in nature which Mabel finds odd and Dipper thinks is interesting. Her laid back nature reminds Dipdip of Wendy to a different degree but the semblance is so fleeting he just usually shrugs it off when he notices. (Planning to have Teena actually be Aro: Demiromantic, she just doesn't know that there's a label for that yet LOL)

I wouldn't say that she is the closest to Ford however, she used to be back when she was a kid- but as an adult it's a different story. With her fractured family and blatantly obvious mutation, by the time she left to pursue a doctorate in Biomedical Engineering at Duke University(North Carolina) she was already slightly harboring a sense of disdain for her mutation and anything odd.

The teasing and taunting only got worse in university as well, she wanted to become a medical doctor to practice orthopedics but made a promise with her siblings that they'd only pursue their dreams once they've gotten their dad back- hence the engineering bit and why she didn't even go through to med proper. She did figure out she had a passion for tinkering and robotics though.

Her peers were not kind, people were absolutely more accepting compared to Ford's time but she was still branded as weird or odd and the disdain for her uniqueness grew. She put everything off for as long as she could, only returning to Gravity Falls in 2010 after her siblings started calling and looking for her. At that point, Teena figured she couldn't just stay away forever so she bit the bullet and returned to gravity falls despite her hesitation. She was the last push they needed to completely fix the portal; problem being that they didn't have an iota of how the hell they would turn it on.

So yeah, that's why Dipper and Mabel are still pivotal in helping them all make amends as it stands(also finding the journals-). Haven't completely explained why for the other two yet, but that'll be in a separate post. Anyhow, enjoy and don't forget that my inbox is always open to asks or requests for fics or even about these guys!

[dove-da-birb]

Dove Lore

This Has A Content Warning, Do Not Reblog

So, I mentioned that I used to bartend on a post with @azulashengrottospiano. So here is some more Dove lore. A lot of my certifications revolve around subjects that can be triggering, they will be below the cut

Feel free to pop into the comments if you wish to discuss any of them.

I have been CPR & First Aid certified and know how to use a defibrillator (AED) [need to get recertified, have only used first aid as of yet]

I'm certified in Positive Space [aka I'm a safe person for others to talk to about 2SLGBTQIA+ stuff]

Smart Serve; relates to bartending. I preferred making mocktails though.

CONTENT WARNING

The certifications below the cut discuss topics containing overdose, mental health, and suicide. I only say what the certifications are for and don't delve deeper than that.

Mental Health First Aid; trained to intervene in the case of a mental health crisis.

Naloxone; is used in the case of an opioid overdose.

safeTALK; suicide intervention, includes training in knowing the signs.

[sysig]

Can’t, too busy flirting ♥ (Patreon)

[plinkcat-gif]

anyone wanna drive with me out to the land behind my dad's house and lay in my car under the night sky and have a chat

[carcarrot]

do i need the noel badges. do i have to have them

[asiancyborg]

do u guys kno. just how much i screwed myself over

[astrxealis]

i love little interactions in ffxiv so much!!

[beaversatemygrandma]

Still just sitting here wondering how i ended up finding a job that i enjoy???

Like around cool large reptiles? Taking photos? I mean, of people, and rarely squirrels much to everybody's dismay. But that?? Good coworkers? GOOD MANAGERS???

Where the hell am i and why is it good? Sure, the pay could be higher and god knows we need an anti fatigue mat or two in that office. But it's not bad at all. Just some pros and cons. Sacrifice some things for an actually pleasant environment.

[homosexualcitron]

save me t4t4t gay polycule save me

[jotun-appologist]

Legit cannot tell if the accutane is making me drowsy and fatigued, if its simply my anemia from being on my cycle, or the aforementioned cycle itself, or the also plausible idea that I am simply just heatsick because summer is starting and its getting warm here.

Or some combination

[teaboot]

This is gonna sound rather conceited but I feel like it highlights an issue we have in Art.

I'm good at art. I've never had a hard time making art. I started using crayons before I could walk. Painting, Beadwork, sculpture, sketching, stippling, whatever- once I have a feel for the material, it doesn't take long to start doing what I want with it. It's been a common theme my whole life.

(Y contrast I'm awful at things like dancing, performance, sports, etc- in all things there is balance, right?)

Now, I've taught myself to use so many artistic mediums now that I KNOW how to most efficiently integrate them into the brain database. Once you really *understand* a material, it's much like memorizing the layout of your house, or flexing a muscle, or something in-between- it becomes PART of your brain in a way I cant quite articulate. But to get there involves just fucking around for a bit doing nothing in particular.

And I've found, especially in group settings, that nobody seems to be able to see you make something badly and leave you alone. Even if you say you're fine, you don't want help, you're happy, you're having fun, it's fine, they gotta ride your ass and hover.

I was at a class the other day for something I hadn't done before. The medium was one I've never used, so once the instructor told us the basics I started experimenting with weight, gravity, texture, viscosity, saturation, temperature, etc. The instructor had given enough info to know what was dangerous and what was safe, and beyond that I just wanted to absorb what I could about it.

And no insult to the instructor, but they kept checking in. Which was fine the first few times.

But then, without asking me what I was trying to do, started giving tips. That I told them I was grateful for but didn't really need just yet. If I had a question, I'd ask.

But they kept coming over. And touching my shit. And manipulating my project. And touching my hands. And using my tools. Without fucking asking.

And this happens every time. EVERY TIME. And by now I know the best way to get them to fuck off is to make something way beyond their expectations so they know I'm capable, then go back to doing what I want.

So I did. I wanted to keep having fun and learning, but instead I made something beautiful that I really didn't want to make, and wasted my time, and really didn't learn what I wanted to learn at all. I knew the formula to create a beautiful thing, so I followed that formula the same way I have a hundred times before, and didn't get to try anything spontaneous or ugly or exciting, just so I could be left alone.

And I know when I was a kid, I was aware aware people saw me puttering alone on something ugly assumed I had a special issue and treated me like I was stupid because of that. (I was neurodivergent.) And at at time I knew that I could do a neat trick for them like a trained pony and they'd go, "Oh, surely they aren't defective if they can do something like that!" And piss off.

But what if I hadn't known how to do that?

What if I hadn't been talented, or "special"?

What if I'd been just any other average kid trying to learn, and I couldn't pop something pretty out of my ass to get them off my back?

My problem my whole life has been that I haven't been allowed to make anything ugly in peace. I'm capable of beauty, so I have to make beauty, or get stepped on. And once people see what I can do, they get loud about it. "Look at this! Look what they did! We all know who the best is, don't we?". And that used to feel good, but it's tiring.

And how many people like me just wanted to play? Just wanted to have fun and experiment? Who were having fun with no goal in mind, or just took longer to learn, who gave up because of all the obnoxious helpers breathing down their neck with no way to shake them off?

How many of us are made to feel defective because we aren't doing things beautifully?

I have a lovely piece of art I didn't want to make.

I think I'm gonna frame it.*

(*I think I'm gonna burn it in my yard.)