#i havent completely given up on it but theres just a lot of questionable choices being made

[hearthandheathenry]

everyone supposedly has an fs and soulmate yada yada yada but if we havent met ours and if we dont care to really date anyone would it matter if we passed away early, like would our fs or soulmate feel it? do we have to have our lives put together in order to form the connection with our fs?

so many ppl including relatives and cousins either have their lives put together or theyre certainly doing something right and they have all either got their partners or careers and im just like how is that not happening for me then i question if i even want that and then i think well it doesnt matter cause i will die eventually so whats the point?

honestly im not fussed abt existing these days, like im not anyone special i dont have a need to achieve things anymore, used too but then i said fuck it and gave up on trying to exist and succeed. its always something like im either at the wrong place or wrong timing or some other situation in the past that held me back from going for something, or i just lacked what i needed to succeed or im too old not young enough not pretty not rich enough its always that im seemingly not something enough and if life is always abt trying to be a people pleaser instead of pleasing ourselves then im done lol. i will gladly yeet myself out of society and into heaven if i have too as thats probably the only point where id be truly happy as i wouldnt have to do anything ever again and i would never have to feel regret or shame for not having my life put together at this age.

sorry for ranting but im just so over being a person, it has severly sucked. wouldnt recommend instead be a rock in ur next life if there even is a next life, if theres a next life then i would also be done with that full stop too. and the thing about soulmates or even trying to get a partner is its yet another thing that you have to be almost attached to them 24/7 like friends where people can and will dissapoint you over and over and a lot of people will pretend to like you then only want something from you for their benefit so again whats the point when wanting a partner or even a social group? but if we donr have that we are never going to be on anyones radar anyway? might as well not bother with any of it tbqfh.

again sorry for ranting but either i want to not feel like i lack so much even in skills or talents and most times i just want to be a nobody oh wait thats what i already am haha.

Woah! First and foremost, I want to tell you that life is worth living and your life matters. Truly. For no other grand reason but that you are YOU and your purpose is being here, or you wouldn't exist. The universe has a reason for you to be here, or multiple reasons, and you matter, even if you struggle to find that reason(s). And please, let me know if you need help finding resources for mental health.

Second, I think a lot of people feel all these things, and I definitely have felt this way in the past. Maybe sometime I'll write my life story and how things have changed over the years or something, idk. BUT, you are not alone, and there is help out there and ways to make your life better, no matter your situation. Your life could be complete crap and you would still be able to turn it around. I am a firm believer in this.

The caveat, though? Its your choice, and your hard work that makes your life what you make it. We are all given different circumstances but just because we are born in some mud doesn't mean we have to wallow in it. The happiest and most fulfilled people have made the active choice to pull themselves out of their depression and habits and have changed themselves and their lives through emotional and physical labor. Life is not easy. It never claimed to be. THAT SAID, though, life is easier the more aligned you get with the universe and everything around you, and is truly breathtaking, and that comes with healing and changing. You learn psychology (how to take control of your mind), the ways of the world (how to build a support system and community), the metaphysical ways of the world and things we can't explain (some people call this spirituality or religion), and a past time that you genuinely enjoy (some people call this a purpose or sometimes its just a way to make money/survive), and you end up creating a life for yourself that you enjoy. That is the secret to living a happy life. Not higher education, not certain jobs, but honing in those skills will unlock the (seemingly) secret of being happy and will help lead to everything falling in place. A support system is usually the first step because figuring ourselves out is hard and we will need support, then we start mastering our minds and thoughts, and then we usually move onto spirituality to help us answer things our logical mind can't explain, and then we usually find our purposes or things that make life worth living. Things that truly make us glad to be alive.

We all reach a breaking point in our lives (anyone heard of the famous midlife crisis?) and are then given a choice of what we want to do. Usually there's truly no way but up, because the other option is to simply give up and not live. And we, intrinsically, really do want to LIVE. Maybe just not the life we were living. So we get help. Professional help. We reach out to our loved ones and figure out who we can actually rely on when we're at our worst. We build our support network while we work on our minds with the professionals. We start our journey of mastering our minds and working in conjunction with our bodies again instead of giving up. We work on our anxiety, depression, mental issues, and stop overworking ourselves and ignoring our body's signals for rest or change. And then we're left with other questions and needs, so we start delving into spirituality and religion. We start looking at the world around us and society in a different light, because obviously the way society trained us isn't working. The system doesn't work. It wasnt made for spiritual beings, it was made for work drones. And humans are not work drones. Some people find solace in certain religions. Some people just adopt different spiritual practices. We all answer our questions in different ways. We're all living in our own realities and through the lens of our own minds that are wired differently. And then our community and support networks grow. And our minds grow. And our abilities grow. And we start to see these little glimmers of hope of why we like being alive. We look at things in a new light. And then maybe we finally see our purpose, the one outside of just being (which is our main purpose), and, big hint, it usually has something to do with helping others for a lot of people. It is almost never a specific job or title or actual act of doing something. Its an idea. A construct. Maybe we were made to help teach others. Maybe we were made to bring joy to others. Maybe we were made to create with others. Maybe its all these and more. It usually has something to do with connecting with others, which is where we all find the most happiness. Being seen and heard. Helping others be seen and heard. Making a difference, finding meaning. Our hearts and our minds know the plan long before we realize it.

We all have the power to get here. But its a choice. And its a tough one. But its one every single one of us is capable of making. We start by choosing ourselves. By choosing to love ourselves. By radical self love and compassion. And once we choose ourselves, then we can start connecting with others in a more meaningful way, instead of people-pleasing or living for others wants or wishes. We need to be authentically ourselves first. It all starts with you. The real you deep down.

So, I do not have the answers to the questions you ask. The philosophical questions you brought forth is different for everyone, because everyone believes something different. What I say doesn't matter if it does not resonate with your truth and your reality. And no one truly knows these things or has the answers until we have left this world, and the fun part about life is experimenting and trying to figure out the questions while we're here.

What I will say, is finding the answers is easier when you don't skip steps. You seem to have a lot you need to ask yourself before asking others, and finding what matters most to you and figuring out why you have the questions you do and what that means mentally and emotionally. I sense a lot of anxiety and depression and anger and grief and self confidence issues, which will get in the way of a lot of things you are talking about achieving or have questions about if they are not processed and addressed. These are all normal things to deal with, but still things that need to be dealt with.

I could rattle off my own personal opinions about everything you ask, but again, it will not resonate with you if its not for you, and the mental blocks will still be there even after.

Having answers to things does nothing for us if we do not know how to use the information given to us.

Work on yourself and learn how to use information to make changes, and you will start to understand more about the world and things in it, even unseen.

The information I've given above tends to ring true for everyone I've encountered in life thus far, no matter age/gender/race/etc. People just figure it out at different ages and stages in their lives. But even religions tend to agree on these necessary steps taken to reach a higher place in our lives. I hope that it's helpful enough to start you on your journey towards everything you want, and lead you to a life that makes sense for you and one that you find happiness in.

(Adding this post to my pinned list under "How To Find Happiness" for anyone else who may need to hear this information)

[steponmepinkjun]

Sara I hope you dont mind me dropping this kind of ask, I just dont have anyone to talk abt this topic in particular and i have seen you open up about being neurodivergent multiple times.

All this time I believe that im neurotypical and always have to progress through life the way neurotypical people do, but from like 2 years ago i'm starting to question if i really am one bcs when I read about neurodivergency I slowly began to see myself in the description. How does one get um.. Diagnosed? I feel like theres sth abt myself that i havent figured out yet and I just want to know and love myself better.

Also forgive me for not being articulate enough, this is something im working out on.

Okay so I am obviously not a doctor or expert on neurodivergency, but I've gleaned a bit of knowledge from the nearly three decades I've spent being ND. So heres my advise.

First, I would begin with identifying why you'd like to seek an official diagnosis. Depending on what it is you're trying to diagnose, there are advantages and disadvantages.

Officially being diagnosed with ADHD gave me a sense of understanding I never had, gave a name to the symptoms that had been, quite honestly, ruining my life, and most importantly gave me access to the medication that completely turned my life around and made me a functioning human being. Even though I was diagnosed late in life (ie after school/developing years), I was still very lucky—my psychiatrist saw what the six previous ones I'd seen didn't. Before that, I was in treatment for depression and anxiety since age 11, had seen 13 therapists, and been on over 15 medications, to no avail. I'm lucky because a lot of obtaining a diagnosis for ADHD relies on self-reporting and reports from your parents—which is fucking stupid considering adhd is genetic, so my adhd parent probably isn't going to see my behavior as abnormal, IF they can even remember my behavior or payed attention to it. Despite those things, I was able to finally get diagnosed at age 22, and it changed my life. However, despite the fact that I suspected since I was a teenager that I might be on the autism spectrum (my brother, father, and several members of his family are), I made the conscious decision not to seek an official diagnosis. The medical community at large is incredibly ignorant and biased in regards to diagnosing autism in women, getting a diagnosis is ridiculously expensive, and unfortunately where I live an autism diagnosis can put you at significant disadvantage in the court system (it's often used as proof that an individual isn't mentally competent enough to do things like stand trial or be given sole custody of their own children, among other things). Plus, autism itself isn't treatable, so in my eyes I saw no benefit to getting a piece of paper telling me what I already knew. That's a personal choice that no one can judge another for—your reasons for seeking diagnosis are entirely valid whatever they are, and you owe an explanation to no one. I only wish to point out that not all diagnosis carry the same cost/benefit.

Getting a diagnosis can be a huge uphill battle, and it usually takes stamina and mental fortitude to get there. But everyone needs and deserves to have a community, a sense of understanding, and a support network, and wanting that alone is a more than valid reason to pursue a diagnosis.

So here's what I'd do. Get yourself in to see a psychiatrist (a therapist will do IF they have the training to diagnose, not all do), and do some research beforehand. Things as simple as googling "I think I might have/be (insert neurodivergent term here, for me this would be ADHD or autistic)" can give you some good starting points for what traits/symptoms are common. And as you're doing your research, take notes! If you see something jump out at you that you super relate to or that puts a feeling you've always had into words, write it down, copy the phrase, include things like how often you feel that way and what age you were when you began experiencing that. If there are ND behaviors that your immediate family share, that is very relevant, and actually gives a lot of context as to if something is a ND trait, trauma response, or shared personality quirk. Bring those notes with you to your appointment, reference them, and take notes of your own with the Dr's feedback. If you feel like you're being dismissed, tell them that, if you feel dissatisfied with their assessment, say so, and ask what your options are going forward. You probably won't walk away with a solid answer in just one day, but it's a good place to start.

It usually doesn't hurt to seek out community online, either, provided you take it all with a grain of salt—I've found that doctors tend to minimize symptoms, while peers online tend to maximize them. Ie, the way ND tiktok has become a slew of "do you breathe oxygen? Here's why that might be a sign you have adhd" type vids. Get second and third and fourth opinions before you take something to heart, you know?

And (even though this may go without saying), while I am no doctor, I have amassed more knowledge of my own disorders (as well as cptsd, ho lawdy its a fuckin doozy) than perhaps any one person should, so if you're at all in my vein or neurodivergency then please feel free to reach out to me directly, I'm always open to offering advise or a friendly ear or a sounding board for thoughts and ideas.

[iamsonyeondone]

prince!au // zhong chenle

☆+｡･ﾟfluffy!! and an itty bit angsty  

☆+｡･ﾟ 1.8k words

prince chenle was no doubt born to be someone of a high caliber

even if he didnt have that royal blood in him, everyone’s amazed by his abilities

the skills he has to play the piano at such a young age aS well as sing with the most angelic voice

and that he was meant to charm anyone and everyone who sees him, perform or just as he is

he is also such a hardworking student, as quoted by his tutors

and that anyone who has personally met him agreed that he’s really sweet and altogether a well-rounded person

not to mention how he makes the atmosphere much more calming and fun during balls

especially when he’s joined in by his other 6 best friends

everyone is torn between him and his brother when it comes to the better heir to the throne

but chenle doesnt make this topic of his utmost importance because he’s more than sure that his older brother was going to take over

and he’s completely fine with it, if not, more than proud to have the kingdom be taken by his sibling that he cares for

which also means that he has the choice of doing what he loves most

which was to perform and dazzle the crowd

he’s always performed for the balls held at the palace 

whether it was a symphonic piece on the piano, a heart-warming tune with his voice, or both!!

and he definitely loves the attention when everyone cheers for him at the top of their lungs

until you came along

you were the child of a duchess and you were very popular for being a violin prodigy

from little, you’ve always performed for balls too and from there, you were given the opportunity to learn it on an advanced level when you were scouted

and when you came to one of the certain royal ball wink wink chenle was a little dumbfounded when he found out that there was someone who was just as good as him at performing

but when he saw you perform, putting all your emotion into the violin while your movements remain precise

he cant help but be mesmerised

and you on the other hand, was glad that there was someone you could have a middle ground with

“good evening your majesty, your performance was amazing today,” you greeted him while the adults paired up on the dance floor

“you did pretty well yourself. i’m sorry but i’ve never seen you before,” he turned to look at you, an adorable smile on his face

“my family and i move around quite alot, probably why you’ve never seen me although i was born here,” you returned a smile back, taking a bite of one of the snacks from the table

“i see, so i bet you’ve seen some of my friends,”

“i’ve seen a lot of people of course, you’ve got to be more specific than that, your majesty,” you chuckled

and chenle takes a moment to get a better look at you 

“just call me chenle, its weird when a friend of mine calls me that,”

and from then onwards, the both of you laughed the night away

playing hide and seek on the palace grounds and sneaking some food from the kitchen as well as him showing you wround his favourite hiding places from the stuffy meetings

its safe to say that the both of you became very close friends at the end of the night

and chenle was quite upset when you hear your mother looking for you

“i have to go but i hope we get to meet again some time,” you smile, still giggling from the aftermath of causing quite a mess in the kitchen

“i do hope to see you when we hold another ball in about a month. it’ll be boring if you dont come so you better promise me that,”

chenle lifts up his pinky, wiggling it towards you with a wide grin

with your smile mirroring his, you intertwined your pinkies with his and waved goodbye

during that long painful month, chenle was really distracted by the thoughts of you

the way you laughed at his lame jokes or just by his own dolphin-like laugh, the little stories you tell him from your mansion while the look of disgust sticks onto your face

and maybe it was also the way you smiled at him with twinkles in your eyes

and the sound of your laugh which sounded far more angelic than the opera singers who come by to perform

chenle is scared to admit that he is in fact in love

while you were gladly accepting the strong feelings enveloping your heart

being reminded of his high-pitched laugh always gets you giggling during dinner

which raises eyebrows from your parents

and the way you would naturally squeal when you remember him smiling back at you with his pinky finger raised, makes your butler tease you about it every single day

and when the day comes that you attend the ball at the palace, youre spoiled for choice when your maids show you your choices

“which one looks better on me,Ms Lim?” you tilt your head thinking that it may give you a clearer decision

“the blue one looks amazing on you milady although all of them accentuates your beauty,” she smiled, while you groan in frustration when nothing comes to mind

“could you bring Mr Park in? he’s painfully straight-forwards sometimes but i think it’s actually beneficial in this case,” you sigh, flopping onto your bed while she fetched your butler

when you hear the familiar ‘yes milady?’ you shoot up from your spot and pouted

“Mr Park, i dont know which dress to choose for Chenl- the royal Zhong family ball,” 

and he stands there for a moment, ready to spit out a teasing remark before picking a more simpler outfit from the collection of choices

“contrary to popular belief, milady does in fact look better in something more simple. And im confident that prince chenle will agree,” he smile before bowing and taking his leave

and your face explodes in the colour red at his statement

you slipped into the outfit and twirled in front of your full-length mirror

until your mother knocked onto your door

“we need to talk,”

chenle waited anxiously in the corner of the ballroom, at the exact same spot the both of you had met

and while the other kings and queens from distant kingdoms as well as duch and duchesses greet him, he only had his eyes on finding you

so when you finally walked through the entrance with your family, his heart skipped a beat

and chenle had this big unstoppable grin on his face

that is until your eyes meet and the only thing he is met with is a sad smile

“why the long face?” he greeted you, still mustering a small smile as you curtsied

“its,,, nothing. but dont you think you hear the king and queen calling you over?” you chuckled, darting your gaze to his parents who had been calling him over by the piano

an indication that he started charming the crowds as usual

but with a bigger plan in mind

“did you bring your violin?” he asked excitedly, taking hold of your hand and squeezing it tightly

“of course, but why?” you raise a brow, suspicious of the next action of this mischievous boy

“get it quick, its going to be our first duet together,” he laughed, dragging you towards the growing crowd around the piano

once chenle adjusted himself on his seat and nodded as the cue, he began playing each note with care as you soon followed

the piano churned out a harmonious tune while your violin had a soft sadness undertone to it

and chenle finally had a hunch, even without having you to tell him explicitly

this was your first duet with him and it may be the last

once chenle ended the song, the both of you stood together to bow in front of the audience with your hand in his

and even though the crowd had already dispersed to continue waltzing around the room, chenle didnt let your hand go

“theres one more place i havent shown you yet,” he smiled cheekily as he sneaked his way around the palace guards

even with the numerous questions you had been showering him with, chenle simply shrugged and continued with a “you’ll see”

and when he pushes the heavy maroon curtain away to reveal the small secluded garden, you gasp in admiration

the garden was small yet bursting with life - roses blooming beautifully in the moonlight while the soft splashing of the water fountain came as a comforting lullaby

“i come here whenever i want to fully unwind,” he sighed, taking a seat on a bench that had been sheltered by a short tree yet its branches reached further than most 

“or did you mean when you’re being called to study?” you teased, taking a seat next to him, making him scrunch his nose in annoyance

and the both of you sit in silence for awhile, watching the stars twinkle in the navy blue sky

until a thought comes to you

because chenle, the boy with the loudest and highest-pitched laugh, was quiet

and you feel yourself growing more conscious of the situation

“so why did you bring me here? there must be a reason why since my ears havent bled yet,” 

and when you look at him, he’s not looking back and that once cheerful smile is nowhere to be seen

and maybe your eyes are just playing with you because theres this hint of pink on his cheeks

but maybe you’re just seeing things

“you mentioned that you move around a lot so how long will you be overseas this time?” 

and when he finally stares back into your eyes, sadness evident yet still attempting to smile, your heart shatters into a million pieces

youre silent for a moment, unsure of how to tell him about the news while you try your best to word it in your head

“i’m,,, i might not be coming back- but! ,,,,but its not final,” and chenle smiled, a little chuckle leaving his lips

“then until our next meeting, i’ll look at the sky and think of you. it’s not that hard trying to find some similarities between you and the moon yknow - a little grey-”

and the sad mood lightens up as you nudged him hard, knocking him over as his clumsiness only further pushed him off the bench

the night ended with laughter and giggles as always

and whenever you look at the night sky in your temporary home, you stifle a giggle when you’re reminded of the dolphin laugh you’ve come to love

a/n: ew this is so sappy but i hope you guys love sappy ksjhalfals tbh that last line is so full of crack and if you dont laugh at it, youre not human

[randomstarmuffin]

You are???? an absolute gem????? And I'd be happy to talk to you whenever!!! Tell me more about what you liked about rune factory! Who did you marry? Did you marry one person or a collection of people (and if you did marry a collection of people, do you have a favourite??)

Omg????? I am not entirely sure when you sent this but I am so sorry I didnt see this until just now!! Ahhhhhh thank you so much???

Uh ok. Well, you asked and you shall receive - beware of a loooong post incoming lol. I could talk about RF for days and no one I know plays it so you’ve really opened the floodgates here haha

So full disclosure I’ve actually only had one rune factory spouse thus far and it was Doug! I got… a little too attached the first time I played (4 was my first rune factory game!) So I decided to try to complete the shipping list in my first save file (still have not accomplished that…) and played for just. Hours and hours and hours. And never actually got around to a second playthrough. When I first started, I had thought I might marry Vishal bc hes just so sweet but then Doug ended up stealing my heart (what can I say, hotheaded redheads/dwarves with a heart of gold and a tragic backstory are my weakness). So yeah, he’s definitely my favorite bachelor in 4. I also dont think it’s necessary for my enjoyment of a marriage option but I really liked how his whole deal was connected to the plot. I went into the game totally blind on the whole thing aside from having looked up the basic profiles on the bachelors/bachelorettes and I somehow didnt notice on my own so I had no idea that his FP was locked by story events until after the fact, but I loved how the plot was tied to him allowing himself to open up more. In a matter unrelated to the plot, and definitely dumbly cheesy, I found out about how some people had trouble with getting the random events and stuff required for marriage right around when I was getting ready to officially decide who to pick (tho it wasn’t a hard choice for me at that point) and I literally got all of Doug’s events so, so easily. I didn’t have to do any of the dreaded reloading tricks or anything, and even though I was also technically dating Vishnal and Arthur, Doug was the first one I got all the events for and the first marriage event to just happen naturally in-game, so I’d like to think it was just meant to be (lol). I’d love to someday play through as Lest as well and finally romance one of the girls, maybe Forte or Dolce… or Xiao Pai… these games have TOO MANY great characters in them I swear, it makes it hard to pick just one!

I have played a good portion of 3 as well, but I wanted to get everyones events done, esp the wooly reveal events, and I’ve just been so focused on other things, I guess, that I still havent finished it - heck, I havent touched it in like 7 months :( I should really do that actually… Anyways, 3 is going to be hard for me to pick a spouse bc, again, there are so many good characters. I think I’m leaning Raven not necessarily bc she’s my all around favorite but because weirdly I ship her the most with Micah? I’m not sure if that’s how you’re supposed to play these games but one thing I really value with the Rune Factory series in particular over, like, Harvest Moon or Stardew Valley, is that the protags get to BE characters, and not just cardboard stand-ins!!! I know they’re mostly written fairly neutrally so you can play how you want, but they all *Definitely* have their own quirks and I absolutely love that. Theres certainly a time and a place for self inserts but honestly I personally tend to find myself more drawn into a game when the protagonists have their own stakes in the world besides I, The Player, Am Playing A Game In A Fantasy World That I Do With As I Please. Even if it’s just in what sort of dialogue choices you’re given or something, which HM/SV also dont really have as much of. (Cough unless the game in question is Animal Crossing. I guess they’ve really got me there. Cough) So, not that I dont like Raven in her own right, but I just really love their whole plotline together? RF3 does a really great job with character growth that, coming from someone seeing the series in reverse, I think RF4’s system of town events kind of mitigated, with the whole randomness factor meaning they couldnt link as many characters to any one overarching series of events. And I really love how Raven and Micah’s events go and i think ending them in romance is just super sweet. It should also be noted that I AM a sucker for a quiet-badass-who’s-sort-of-sassy-in-a-blink-and-you-miss-it-way x literal-sunshine-and-everyone-loves-them-and-they’re-always-in-everyones-business dynamic, for sure. As far as my actual favorite rf3 bachelorette, I think maybe Marian might take the cake? She’s so wacky and out there but her whole insecurity thing really touched me. That might change whichever way the wind is blowing on the day you ask me, though. To be quite honest with you, I fell hard for the whole town of Sharance and I could probably write essays on every single one of the marriage options in 3. Also though, I ended up shipping like all the bachelorettes with each other, sooo… my bad, Micah, my bad, lmao.

I also own Tides of Destiny, but my Wii started freaking out not long after I got it and I usually prefer to play handheld games anyway, so I started it but I never got too far. Someday I’ll play it. (I’m really hoping to get my hands on 2 sometime soon though because the idea of marriage rivals is SO up my alley - I’m sure it’s a pain to program but I wish more dating sims would do that!!! Maybe it’s just bc I’m someone who loves to ship just as much if not sometimes more than to see my own playable character have their romance play out, but I think it’s a super fun idea and makes the whole thing more grounded in the setting, that things can happen and relationships change outside of the protag’s involvement, too.)

So yeah. GREAT questions, my friend. I do love farming sims and non-NSFW dating sims in general and add onto that dungeon crawling and monster taming??? Plus it has a plot (even if it’s an albeit fairly simple one)?? Rune Factory really has it all, man. BUT if I’m being totally honest I think the best part of Rune Factory for me has always been the characters. I dont know how they manage to make the towns feel so alive and balance out all the personalities so well but they’ve really got it down. Maybe they have a secret formula somewhere… I’d love to see it :P

And!! I’d love to hear YOUR favorites as well??? Thanks again for the ask! I dont get a lot so I dont check super frequently and I really hope this hasn’t been sitting in my box for too long. You’re more than welcome to talk to me whenever too! :)

[viralhottopics]

Madam president: are female leaders better for women?

Hillary Clinton would have done more for women than Trump, but less than Bernie Sanders. What is womens politics, anyway and who does it best?

This piece started with the assumption that in 2017 we would have a feminised global stage: thered be Hillary Clinton in the White House, Theresa May in Downing Street, Angela Merkel in the Bundeskanzleramt, and Marine Le Pen in a hollowed-out volcano. I wanted to know: what would such a spectrum of women in power, with their various viewpoints, tell us about womens politics? Is there such a thing? Is it a good thing? And how do you square a feminist desire for female leaders with the ascension of non-feminist ones? But it didnt quite turn out like that. Now, those questions seem peripheral.

When Donald Trump won, the notion of a broad, instinctive female solidarity was brutally exposed as myth: open misogyny in word, demeanour and the shape of a dozen sexual assault allegations deterred only a minority of women voters.

But now that we are in the grip of strongman politics, it is impossible to give up on the notion of womens politics. We face a gender equality crisis. The sharp end of this is that any authoritarian politician, from President Trump to Ukips Paul Nuttall, tends to be anti-abortion, having correctly identified that the best way to dominate a woman is to take away her choice of when to be a mother. But thats just the beginning: big daddy politics seeks no consensus, brooks no resistance, acknowledges no pluralism. We no longer have the luxury of time, which means ditching nuanced debate in favour of action. But action how?

Already Trumps inauguration has generated one response, the thing people do when they must do something but dont know what: they take to the streets. Todays Womens March on Washington, planned by a woman named Bob Bland, references both the March on Washington of 1963 and the Million Woman March on Philadelphia in 1997; a UK version is also taking place in London.

When I spoke to the organiser, Emma McNally, a 47-year-old artist, I thought she was being evasive on the womens politics question. It wasnt evasion, she said, it was a resistance to oversimplification, which, she says infantilises us and makes us very malleable. If we know who we are, we know who we belong with, then we feel strong, we can act with certainty. In other words, you cant just meet the simplicity of the tough guy with the simplicity of the elemental woman.

Youll waste a lot of time if you get mired in a discussion of what womens values are cooperation, empathy, humanity, solidarity and whether or not one gender has a right to annex them. This is what Sophie Walker, leader of the new-ish Womens Equality Party (WEP), remembers of the unfeminist 90s. We were always being diverted into a conversation about what feminism was. We couldnt ever get to the point of what a feminist does, because we had to spend all that time talking about what one looks like. The challenge now, she says, is to look at all politics through the lens of gender, because thats the only way were going to build a country that functions properly, in which everybody is seen and everybody is heard.

When Donald Trump won, the notion of a broad, instinctive female solidarity was brutally exposed as myth. Photograph: John Gurzinski/AFP/Getty Images

Twenty-one years ago, a series of postcards appeared in the Body Shop, which in those days wasnt a way to kill time in a station, but rather the embodiment of progressive consumerism. Its founder, Anita Roddick, was a feminist and an environmentalist who, with activists Bernadette Vallely, Sue Tibballs and others, asked an open-ended question: what do women want?

Their methodology was not dissimilar to Shere Hites 1976 report on female sexuality: you could be anonymous or not, and the sample was whoever replies. The flaws in this approach basically, that it preselected women who could afford to arse about in the Body Shop, and could also afford a stamp have been exhaustively pointed out. The fact is, with 6,000 replies, containing 46,000 suggestions, it remains the biggest independent survey of women ever undertaken in the UK. At the end of 2015, Tibballs and others launched it again, and their What Women Want 2.0 is still in train; the Womens Equality party has been collecting some of the responses while canvassing.

I worked on the original report, in a very peripheral capacity, and not for the right reasons (I was chasing a guy; it was quite circuitous, but it worked). I didnt believe in the report, not at all: the language felt soft and victimy; it was all about childcare and maternity leave, which is not at all interesting when you havent got children; and violence against women, which is of course! vitally important, but couldnt harness or accommodate the politics of optimism that prevailed at the time. I was waiting for a world in which children werent a womens issue, given that half the bloody things are male (and half of the making is done by men). A recurring demand for a healthy planet and respect for our planetary resources seemed to imply that women, by our very natures, cared more about the future. Elsewhere in the report, a National Health Service with proper funding got rolled into support for positive and alternative health, as if socialising medicine and believing in homeopathy were one and the same.

I wasnt the only sceptic: famously, the 1990s saw a dip in the popularity of feminism. At the Evening Standard newspaper, where I then worked, it was not unusual to get letters from readers saying, Yes, I agree with equal pay and abortion rights. But would I call myself a feminist? No thanks!

Theresa May is she better or worse than Margaret Thatcher? Photograph: Kirsty Wigglesworth/AP

Last October, at the south London office of the Womens Equality party, members of the What Women Want team sat down with party staff to compare the original 1996 responses with todays, and ask whats changed in 20 years. I expected to hear about newfangled concerns. Cybercrime, perhaps, or polyamory.

In fact, most things havent changed, and those that have have changed for the worse. Women still want decent childcare and equal wages, but now they also want to be able to afford the rent; they still want to feel safe in public spaces, but now they would also like, if you please, not to get death threats every time they go online and give a view; they still want environmental sustainability to come before profit, but global solidarity has largely slipped out of the language (though there are positive signs that its back again: the recent threat to limit abortion rights in Poland sparked the Black Umbrellas protests across Europe).

In the 90s, women talked a lot about what they wanted from their boyfriends and partners: sometimes help with the chores, sometimes sex, sometimes recognition. Now, theres plenty about men en masse, how they should be educated about rape and consent; but in terms of the relationships that build their identity, women talk only about their children. This seems completely obvious to the women I speak to in their 20s. It would be so out of fashion now to hinge my identity as a feminist on my relationship with my partner, says Priscilla Mensah, members officer for the WEP. Hannah Peaker, the WEPs chief of staff, recalls one poignant response that struck her: One woman talking about the disappointment that moment, either when children come along, or youre trying to buy a house, when you realise that equality wasnt real, when you see how sexist things are underneath.

Peaker is savage on the way the rise of freelance work has impacted women. Theres been this really clever branding around women entrepreneurs. But if you look at the data, these are women who have been driven to working for themselves because they couldnt get the flexibility they needed. Theyre just doing the same jobs with no rights, no benefits, no maternity leave.

Pensions have about equal prominence in the original report and today, except that then the problem was that the system was based on the male-breadwinner model, and divorced pensioners lost out; now, the 2011 Pensions Act (which brought womens pensionable age into line with mens) means that all women born in the 1950s lose out. The responses were more or less exactly the same, almost word for word: Ive worked 44 years, and its completely unfair, says Mensah. There was a real sense of injustice. One cannot help wondering whether, if women pushing 60 were as large a part of the body politic as men, this change would have been sprung on them so blithely.

One striking similarity between the 90s and now is the complaints about media representation: the invisibility of older women; objectification; women described according to their looks rather than their achievements. There is no perceptible difference in the importance women place on safety from harassment, from violence although two decades ago there was more discussion around international security, the threat of war, the nuclear threat. Im struck, Tibballs says, by how safety is still such a big thing. Peaker tells us she has spoken to women, while campaigning, who say they probably spend about an hour extra a day planning around safety, without even thinking about it. One woman talked about it as a tax, the way she would have to get a taxi after 11pm, to avoid the walk home, or join a gym, because she couldnt run through a park in the winter.

Its such a foreign issue to men, says publicist Will Hill, who has been involved in the new survey. I did a focus group with young teenage girls in Brighton, asking what they wanted. I was expecting better access to music, tech, all that. And they all said, Street lighting.

Angela Merkel a way point as a leader. Photograph: Ullstein Bild via Getty Images

Alison Shergold was one of the original respondents, and at the time a fundraiser for Rape Crisis London: in 1996, she wanted statutory funding bodies for rape crisis centres throughout the UK. Now, she works in an upmarket commercial estate agent and says ruefully, Ive sold my soul to the corporate beast. She resists the urge to generalise about anything. I was in a lesbian relationship when I did the first survey, and my girlfriend was a separatist, very anti-men. I wasnt: I know some lovely men and some bitch women. Some things have got better, she thinks; others not. I dont think any of the goals were achieved. [Rape] conviction rates havent changed, or preventing it. I dont even want to change the world any more; I just want violence against women to stop, violence against everybody.

The projects cofounder Tibballs, meanwhile, takes a Kipling-esque approach to triumph and disaster, describing success and abject failure with the same cheerful straightforwardness. There is something intellectually wholesome, tireless and timeless about her, like a lady poet of the 30s or a Victorian explorer. The job that the project did, 20 years ago, was that it made it absolutely clear that you cannot, as a political party, not have a position on women and equality. Childcare wasnt in a single manifesto it wasnt part of the conversation. We put it on the agenda. And yet, she counters herself, Where the hell are we?

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Perhaps we shouldnt be defining womens issues or perspectives, but rather highlighting those that are distinctively male. For instance, since the financial crash of 2008, there has been a political fetish for hard work. Families are legitimised by the prefix hard-working; immigrants divided into net contributors to the taxing state, or beneficiaries of it. Citizens are weighed by their economic activity, with moral disapprobation attached to those who are inactive.

This is nonsensical, since we all know that everyone is economically inactive for some part of their lives, and often youre working a lot harder when youre not being paid (childcare in your prime; volunteering in retirement; caring when there is nobody else to care). Often that work brings more to society than its cash equivalent. Practically speaking, these are political or economic conditions that hit women in a particular way; to respond to them as individuals rather than as a group is foolish like a thousand atomised complaints about pollution from people who all live on the same A-road.

It would be remiss to ignore conventional politics in this. I asked the Labour MP Margaret Hodge how she thinks womens politics have changed during her near 25 years in Westminster. She related an argument shed had recently with Harriet Harman about whether Theresa May is better or worse than Margaret Thatcher. May has done some good stuff, stuff that doesnt really impinge on her, like [tackling] FGM, Hodge says. It doesnt cost her very much, politically, but I dont think Mrs T would have done it. Is a female prime minister who takes FGM seriously, but waves through an austerity programme that devastates more women than men better than one who actively avoids any solidarity with her sex?

If, as Hodge maintains, the Trump-Clinton contest showed that politicians always tend to have gender-specific approaches to their politics, this becomes like a puzzle: is it always better to have one woman than no women, regardless of whether she fights for women? Or is politics like a BBC panel show: one woman, described as a minimum, is functionally a maximum? A non-feminist woman is currently occupying a space that would be better filled, for women generally, by someone who went in to bat for us.

How does Hodge feel about the use of the word feminism? Im delighted that feminism is back. Ive called myself a feminist throughout my career when it was fashionable, when it was deeply unfashionable. Women over 35 identify themselves to one another this way, a shibboleth of authenticity, like loving the Pixies before they were cool: its all very well being a feminist today, but where were you in the 90s?

My own idiosyncratic political position in the 90s was nothing of the sort, but the meeting of two frontiers, which squeezed the feminist space until its pips squeaked. On the one hand, there was the overhang of Thatcherism; it was an ethos in which, as Hodge says, you proved your brilliance as a woman by beating men on their own terms. To raise womens issues was akin to pleading weakness. On the other, there was the 80s residue of career women who had toughed it out, either forgoing having children or returning to work after 10 days maternity leave; they were genuinely scornful of that side of the equality agenda. Hodge remembers terrible resentment against any concessions on childcare or maternity leave. They didnt want to see these changes: they felt theyd made these sacrifices, and why should we have it all? It was an era when solidarity itself had fallen out of fashion: and without it, what bonded women? Hoovering and childbirth? No, thanks!

Nicola Sturgeon takes a keen interest in low wages and the systems that create them. Photograph: Bloomberg via Getty Images

Thinking about it now, I am beset by a sense of failure. I ceded the language of solidarity in favour of individual rights. I took no pride in the womens movement and its history, and lost that organisational muscle memory. I was happy to argue the toss about whether environmentalism and childcare were female in essence, rather than saying, Who are you people who think profit is more important than the planet? Who thinks childcare isnt a group effort?

Meanwhile, this is the politics that was developing in tandem: the hyper-masculinist language of self-interest, tough talk, militarism, competitiveness and control, all now considered normal. The essential cooperative qualities that any society needs to be halfway functioning are currently considered not only unrealistic but wishy-washy, pass and rather niche. But I do not feel downhearted: this situation cant last because it is just too stupid.

I was looking in the wrong place for the value of the idea. It was never meant to be a coherent programme of female-friendly actions, to which all right-thinking women would subscribe. It may be that there is no such thing as a womens issue but still, on any given subject, there is always a distinct womens perspective, without which you will never meaningfully understand it. Feminism is always in the detail, in each granular answer, in every individual woman.

Having female leaders is clearly useful. But a woman at the top can never, even with feminist bona fides up the wazoo, bring the complete perspective of her gender. So much of this is about power: how a shrinking state throws its burdens back on to individuals; how those individuals are usually women; how this is ignored by the language of competition and self-interest.

Clinton would have been better for women than Trump, merely by maintaining Obamacare and not redistributing wealth upwards; but not as good as Bernie Sanders, with his more coherent vision for empowering the dispossessed. May is probably no better or worse for women than Cameron was, although her predecessor might have worked harder to keep an on-the-record misogynist (Philip Davies MP) off the committee for women and equalities. Angela Merkel is less good for her gender than Nicola Sturgeon, who takes a keener interest in low wages and the systems that create them.

In the end, all these leaders are way points, not end points. To wish they were better, gutsier, more harmonious feminists is a needless distraction: far better to wish them part of a bigger choir.

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