#i havent drawn anything in like a month (thanks depression)

[mush-haus]

would you buy his wares be honest

[snailwife]

remembering i am an artist with the help of strawberry lace jake

[luescris]

tws: mentions of major depression and suicide

i dont normally do these kinds of posts. i like to keep to myself, hide things away and pretend that im happy half the time.

but the truth is. im not.

so im making this post just in case something unexpected happens to me.

i could never cause myself physical self harm ever. period. the thought alone sickens me. but these last few months have been. so very hard for me. i am the lowest i have ever been in my life. and i just thought that maybe i should make this post. just in case someone cared if i disappeared or something.

im feeling so alone. lost. and completely out of creative influence. i havent drawn or written anything real recently and i want to so very badly but. it also feels like what i do isnt good enough. it doesnt reach the numbers that i want it to and i just. im trying to improve, i really am, but its going way too slow. and I dont know what to do that i havent already tried.

im attempting to get mental help right now, but the help i am getting is different. not exactly official. its too complicated to explain, and its limited. i dont have enough money to get myself a real therapist. nor do i have the time

to those of you that read all this: thank you, but im sorry. for ruining your mood, putting this on your dash, making you worried. if no one reads this or if it doesnt get any kind of interaction though, ill just. delete it.

this isn't me trying to find help or something like that. im not. trying to vent online or something like that, or admit some terrible dark secret (though it sure feels like that). just, again, a life update. i guess.

yeah. see yall around

[sammyloomis]

another diary/soul bearing thing under here so beware

ive been struggling lately with coming to terms with the fact i havent drawn as much as i wanted to while on summer break and i know thats a dramatic thing to say but considering i was so optimistic at the start of it and had all these ideas i wanted to do and have done absolutely none of them, and now im edging closer and closer to the start of my second year at uni, its a depressing thought

im trying to internalise what everyone says to me when i bring that up which is last year was a genuinly traumatic time and despite the fact it didnt seem to be effecting me in the moment, i think it might be catching up to me, so i shouldnt be so hard onm myself for taking such a long break

i spent my whole first year pushing out so much work and trying to make it the best i could do because anything other than perfect was a failure in my eyes, which is an awful mindset to have, and is whats been stopping me from drawing now because i know from trying in the last few days, the things ive been drawing havent been as good as i want them to be

it feels like all the optimism and self love i worked so hard to drill into myself is kinda failing me now, and im sure it’ll come back, but im kinda struggling

and not only all of that, but so much has changed and is in transition for me in the past month alone, all the uncertainty of that is getting to me

ive moved out of my childhood home as my parents are moving into a brand new house so i dont know if they next time i go there will be the last time i ever see my bedroom ever again ive moved into a student house which has people who leave mess everywhere and dont clean up after themselves and i knwoif i dont clean it it just wont get done and the fact i have to take proper care of myself for the first time ever

like my mum isnt gonna come up to my room and offer me a sandwich, and im not gonna go downstairs to find a meal already made

which again sounds so fkn dramatic dfghj but added on top of everything else, trying to keep myself fed and clean and getting out of bed in the morning because i know if i dont ill just stop completely

again, i kno every few weeks i just make a post like this which is super dramatic and shit, but i dont want anyone to feel obligated to read these, im kinda just spilling my guts into the void because i dont always feel comfortable putting this all on one person to help me deal with

im better at self regulating than i give myself credit for, and the weather being beauiful lately is defo helping hhh anyway, thanks for reading if ya did fghjk

[redwoodrroad]

🖊 !!!

!!! oh man i really wanna talk about morten because for all i draw of him i dont talk about him enough. here’s a pretty recent screenshot of him in Skyrim, the game i made him in:

his full name is Morten Alexander Iversen, and i originally made him uuuhhhh over 6 years ago, i dont really remember but it was the first time i played skyrim–i actually named him after the lead singer of A ha, Morten Harket lmao, because i wanted him to fully encapsulate that like Nordic / Norwegian vibe (and also at the time i had an obsession with a ha and lbr it never went away); his last name is just a name i found, and his middle name is a reference to my own last name!

some general info: he’s got shoulder-length black hair that he does fishtail braids with, one on either side of his head that follow the curve of his head until he reaches the back of his ears, and then he lets it down; he also has light blue eyes, a Pretty full beard, and several scars on his nose (they might be hard to see in that picture but i draw them pretty prominently). he’s probably about 7 feet tall in-game, but in any modern retelling i do with him, he’s about 6′2″. he also has a deep voice but no, like, traditional nordic accent. if you can imagine like an east coast accent that isnt quite southern, isnt quite northern, it’s like…. somewhere in there. in the game, he tends to wear heavy armor, but he prefers using a bow for most situations and then switches to a sword with his right hand and ice / fire magic with his left hand. i dont wanna fill up my followers’ dashboards, so if you’re interested in reading about him, i put it all under the read more! :D

so in the game, he’s a nord as i said, but he doesn’t completely align with the nords–i have an ENTIRE sociological mock-up of the culture of nords in skyrim, and to sum it up, they’re very conservative, theyre close-minded, and they dont care for people (even among their OWN people) with mental illness / disabilities, people who arent so much power- / dominance-oriented, or, say it with me now: gays. on that list, morten falls under all three! hat trick!! so he kind of keeps away from his brethren in that regard; he’s also a very quiet person overall and prefers to not be in big crowds or even in big open spaces, he really likes his solitude. which is tough when youre the dragonborn and everyone knows it rip

speaking of being dragonborn, i imagine that his dragon is like…. an entire personality within himself. not that it has really any agency, but it’s a nagging sensation that draws him towards what dragons want: power, money, sex, food, naps, etc. morten’s dragon is very dominant and wants morten to go all out–it wants him to fight everything, garner lots of wealth, reach a worldwide level of notoriety, and like anything else you can imagine a greedy, power-mongering dragon might want. morten himself, however, does not want any of that; he just wants to chill. so you can imagine the duality there, huh. more physically, his dragon is like an ice-oriented dragon, so morten’s shouts (while mechanically can be whatever he wants because it’s all in the game mechanics) in my mind always have a little twist of ice. he prefers the ice-oriented shouts, and anything else not related to ice will still have little ice particles come out (even if they might be melted by fire-oriented shouts). likewise, morten’s use of magic with his hands are always ice- or cold-oriented

beyond the dragon, he has terrible memory problems, and ive worked the canon amnesia into something of like…. a trauma response? it’s way too much to go into and also has to do with some of my personal childhood experiences, so for now we’re just gonna let it be shielded by amnesia; likewise, that sort of brain-haziness also applies to present memory-storing, and morten really has trouble remembering names, dates, conversations, and even situations even as he is adventuring through Skyrim. this also applies to processing issues–he for sure has dyslexia, and not just in reading; he might hear a sentence but parse out the words in a different order–and over-stimulation, which is really why he hates being around other people or even talking to other people for a long period of time. he also suffers from depression, anxiety, and paranoia, and because of all these mental things, he really found himself becoming drawn to the Prince that oversees this general sphere of mental health: Sheogorath. during that quest where the dragonborn helps him and pelagius inside pelgius’s mind, morten was incredibly drawn to sheo and in my mind took time to sit with sheogorath at the end of the quest just to chat because sheo made him feel like…. that haze that covers his brain just lifted and let him think clearly without the stressors of the outside world affecting him. even the dragon soul stopped yelling at him in that moment because it too was soothed by sheogorath’s presence. so with that, morten grows closer to sheogorath, and in my canon, they chill out a lot in skyrim haha

i also want to say that morten grew really close with the greybeards–particularly Arngeir. Arngeir, being really the only one who Could talk to morten and who always had such helpful wisdom for him, really became something of a father figure to morten, and without needing to, morten returns a lot to the temple to just chill with arngeir, he just loves him so much.

finally, i also wanna talk about his relationships: he becomes the thane of Whiterun first and meets Lydia, and they become absolute bros. later down the line, he meets a guy (havent figured out who it is yet, might end up being an OC) who he falls for a little, and they have a thing for a long time–until this guy starts becoming really abrasive with morten and displays such a lacking in understanding of morten as someone with mental illness, so he leaves–and he’s replaced later by the beautiful and adorable Erik the Slayer, whom morten meets as the dragonborn normally does in Rorikstead, and after he gives erik’s father money for erik’s armor, and after a few months when he returns to find erik trying to become a hired mercenary, morten asks him to join him in adventuring. it takes some time, but there’s a mutual crush, there are late-night chats under the stars, drunken storytelling that involves coming-out stories and previous bad or silly relationships, and eventually a big gay kiss. and of course, a marriage in the temple of mara. i may or may not have had to hack the game with console commands to let morten marry him because he wasnt romance-able but we’re here now and they live together in the Lakeside Mansion just outside Falkreath. morten also meets Serana during the Dawnguard dlc and becomes bros with her too (and introduces her, the raging lesbian, to lydia, the rampant bisexual, and you know).

sheo is still a huge influence on morten’s life, and there are TONS of silly instances where both erik and sheo have to sit in a room together and just kind of accept the fact that on one hand morten is sleeping with an actual terrifying daedric prince and on the other hand morten is married to a boring mortal and not a fun daedric prince, can you guess which one of them holds which opinion

so right now, morten is happily married to the love of his life, he has some pals livin it up with him in the upstairs bedrooms and a prince who visits him occasionally, and his little farm is full of chickens and cows and horses and a library tower full of books and a full garden outside WITH BEES, and hes just living his best life !

thank you for asking!! i hope you enjoyed reading about my boy!! he’s my blog icon, and i love him so much. also feel free to check out my “morten tag” tag if you want to see like general vibes about him, aesthetic posts, meme shit that reminds me of him or might be something he would do or like, and art ive made that features him! and thank you again ;u;

[strangeryousee]

Not really one to post a lot of personal stuff here but my blog is dead so this seemed pretty close to throwing my grief into the void and pretending someone is listening.... rather than continuing to hold it in. You know how it goes, you start feeling like youre annoying your friends so you keep to yourself for a while, then some shit happens and you have no one to turn to, you dont want to give your friends your emotional turmoil.... and then it snowballs and grows. And youre facing it alone. And then you get stuck in your own head, and youre fighting to stay afloat in there but maintaining that everything is a-ok and putting on a brave face for everyone around you because youve decided you arent going to burden them with your bullshit...... And then it starts to feel like youre invisible. The Catalyst: The only man Ive ever really loved (And I did love him, Ive avoided admitting that for a long time, but I did), the only man I have ever let touch me.... I realized earlier this week that I just.... dont feel anything for him anymore. And thats for the best. I know it is. He never did love me back, it was a totally one sided, drawn out affair. I cant even in good conscience call it a relationship. It was a dysfunctional, lustful friendship and convenient hook-up at best. But after over TWO YEARS of that dysfunctional friendship its still pretty daunting to wake up one day and realize youve just.... become numb to something.... SomeONE that used to mean SO MUCH to you. Even though I knew it was bound to happen, I knew I couldnt be smitten forever and that one day he would finally push me too far and the rose colored glasses would fall off for good... its still.... fucking depressing, is what it is. He and I went from texting DAILY and hanging out once every week or two...  to hardly speaking. Which we had done once or twice before for a month or two but always because of a fight. Not this time, no, this time we both just... sort of.... stopped contacting each other for no reason. Even though Im more or less ok with us not communicating (especially) while I work through this it still leaves a large emotional gap in my life. Even if it was meaningless and habitual, It was still someone.... contacting me EVERY DAY to ask how Im doing. And even though I dont particularly want to speak to him right now it still hurts to think that hes just as ambivalent to the sudden change as I am. I so badly wanted to mean as much to him as he did to me. I wanted that for SO long, and it never happened. I feel like Im on a hair trigger because of all of this. Everything is wildly more upsetting and personal than it should be. And I cant convince my mouth to open and to just TELL anyone whats wrong because I know my friends are suffering from the same compassion fatigue as I am. I was messing with this guy for two years, they are beyond done hearing about it all. Then there was a new friend in my life that may have possibly contributed to my change in heart. He possessed a lot of the qualities the lover lacked and he was sort of sweet on me, flirtatious, generous. I was flattered, hes a really attractive guy. But as soon as things even HINTED at a “more than friends” level and I realized I might honestly "have a crush” on this friend I completely froze him out. Not intentionally. I just- I seized up, I got scared. Insecure. I can barely choke out a hello or look him in the eyes now. Even though this guy and I were friends he seems to have responded to my abrupt cold shouldering with an equally cold shoulder... and moved on to other pursuits more receptive to his attention. And I cant blame him, were still friends, even if I dont know how to act around him right now, I know were still friends, I just also know hes too conventionally attractive and young to waste too much time on a fish thats not biting (especially since we BOTH tend to be the “I dont speak unless spoken to” type) Watching this new friend change gears so quickly and easily sent me on a downward spiral with my own self esteem though. So Ive.... hurt my own damn feelings, basically, and Im not emotionally equipped to handle it at the moment. Or equipped to handle anything. I left work an hour early because I burst into tears and couldnt stop and I am NOT the kind of person who lets anyone see me cry. I have a mountain of projects on my art desk I havent touched, have no desire to touch. I cant sleep. No appetite. My roommate is basically holding my hand at this point to make sure I do adult things on time and correctly like pay my bills and make a doctors appointment. I keep yo-yoing between emotionally oversaturated and feeling empty. Im just an.... eggshell. Hollow and fragile. I dont think anyone in their right mind will read this pity party all the way to its end but if you do, god bless you, thanks for listening, Im sorry, I dont even have the energy to make this anecdotal or fun to read. Thank you for coming to my fear-of-intimacy Ted Talk. Have a good night.

[kara-dolan]

All of it sis 💁🏻‍♀️

WELL OKAY THEN

0:Height

5′2 me and my short self


1:Virgin?

YUP

2:Shoe size

Um… Hold on gotta check (I don’t know cause I don’t get shoes often) Okay so I wear 3 sizes I wear 7 ½ in heels, 8 and 8 ½. My feet are apparently weird.


3:Do you smoke?

No, I have before tho when i was like 6 with my brother grosses shit ever. But I also use to smoke marijuana but like I havent done that since last year around May.


4:Do you drink?

Occasionally. But I don’t get drunk. Never have gotten drunk either. 


5:Do you take drugs?

No only thing that came close was weed and that was for my depression and anxiety. It just wasn’t prescribe. 


6:Age you get mistaken for

20 or older. Like I got to see a kids movie tho because of how short I am. So yay!


7:Have tattoos?

NO Sadly


8:Want any tattoos?

FUCK YES I HAVE LIKE 17 Tats drawn up and I know where I want them to go.


9:Got any piercings?

Ears.


10:Want any piercings?

Yes my nose. 


11:Best friend?

Evelin mi hermanita, but also VIVIANA aka @notanotherdolantwinsblog


12:Relationship status

Single until Grayson notices me or some shit


13:Biggest turn ons

FUCK THIS HAD TO BE ON HERE. Um… Jaw clenching, Grey sweatpants, “Babe”, “Baby”, Cute nicknames, Biting, hair pulling, choking, scratching, certain laughs, spanking, deep conversations, weird but like when someone picks me up and I don’t expect it, lip biting, eye rolling, cheesy jokes, puns, dirty jokes, someone being so focused on something like full on has their attention.


14:Biggest turn offs

Feet, anal (like shit comes out of there no thanks), Smells that would make me like revolt to Jupiter, douche bags like the I am better than everyone type of cocky douche. 


15:Favorite movie

Romeo + Juliet, Titanic, Nemo, Monsters Inc., Scream, It Follows, Little Mermaid (all of them), Austin Powers (all of them). Sucker Punch, Kick Ass, 5th Wave,Let Me In.


16:I’ll love you if

Oof okay ahhh um get to know me for me and we have a form of bond like that honestly I feel so bad if people give me things they pay for like I feel like I am just taking and I feel like shit so yeah become my friend and I grow to love you for you and you hopefully do the same.


17:Someone you miss

My Haybug. ( my cousins daughter who I call my niece who I helped basically raise) um Grayson and Ethan, my cousin Austin and my other cousin Pierce.


18:Most traumatic experience

Yeah this is great, um I have a couple one really fucked me up and the other one almost made me kill myself so I won’t be posting about it because it is not something I want in the world.


19:A fact about your personality

Uhhhhh….  it is still forming because I am trying to find who I am.


20:What I hate most about myself

My weight and teeth.


21:What I love most about myself

My eye color and laugh.


22:What I want to be when I get older

Financially stable lol but also a musician and actor


23:My relationship with my sibling(s)

Well I live with my little sister and we annoy the hell out of each other but we love each other too and then my brother is away in a different state with the national guard and trying to join the army, so complicated?


24:My relationship with my parent(s)

Well fuck. I… this is so complex no one is ready for it.


25:My idea of a perfect date

Surfing ( hopefully not dying from it) followed by a hike to a high place to over look everything followed by pizza and ice cream and a movie where we cuddle (after a shower of course)


26:My biggest pet peeves

EATING WITH MOUTH OPEN AND SMACKING IT LIKE NO STOPPPPP.


27:A description of the girl/boy I like

He is just so beautiful, the way his laugh lines crease when he smiles with or with out teeth is just incredible and the way his brown eyes that change color due to lighting and emotion shine through even when he isn’t at his best because he has the most amazing heart and puts everyone else before himself even though he knows he needs to take time and get to what makes him happy. His hair that goes through hell but it still maintains a soft poofy look and as of right now it is a light brown almost ash brown with bits of dirty blonde. His jawline is the kind you wouldn’t even see on a greek god because it is so unique to his face hell his bone structure is his own and yet in some ways completely different from his brothers. He has an athletic build that I barely pay attention to because his droopy eyes capture my attention with the intensity that he stare with. Not to mention he has the most creative beautiful mind I have ever seen with theories and words he has and things he acts out. His sense of humor is amazing he is such a goof ball and it’s a mix of stupid corny jokes and dirty jokes that he can’t fully say out loud because he is caught in the public eye all the time. He can’t be himself and it is the most painful thing to know because he has the biggest kindest heart ever and is human with insecurities beyond what I know. Plus his scars that add characteristic details to his face that tell a story of a young boy having fun without a care in the world is the most beautiful construct of his humanity. Whoa. 

He completely owns my ass…


28:A description of the person I dislike the most

Cheeto with a blonde toupee 


29:A reason I’ve lied to a friend

To protect them. Or myself.


30:What I hate the most about work/school

That I don’t do either


31:What your last text message says

I didn’t know I could describe someone like this


32:What words upset me the most

You aren’t wanted here.


33:What words make me feel the best about myself

When someone thanks me for helping them. I don’t help people for that reason but I like to know that I helped in some way. It makes me feel good that they feel good.


34:What I find attractive in women

Confidence for sure. LIKE YES BOO YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL!!!! YES WORK THAT OUTFIT! YOU ARE GLOWING!!!!! 


35:What I find attractive in men

Honesty, pure real deep honesty. Like how they feel or asking them questions to where they give deep meaningful answers or even if its like “ I just wanna fuck” like Okay you hot but I aint down for that thank you for being honest but oof damn even hotter now but like I am good. (unless they are strangers then thats creepy)


36:Where I would like to live

Greece, Rome, Italy, California, New Jersey like the nature aspects of all these places oh my damn it’s so beautiful.


37:One of my insecurities

My smile


38:My childhood career choice

Musician, I have always wanted to be a musician in 4th grade I even started a band with no instruments and wrote songs but my dickwad of an ex said songs had to be at least 2 pages long and it kind of made me mad and I stopped writing them for a few months. FUCK YOU ETHAN ( not dolan my ex fucking douche side note I dated him in 2nd grade he dumped me for my friend who he dumped for our other friend who only went out with him to dump him)


39:My favorite ice cream flavor

Vanilla only cause you can add other flavors to it and make a delicious concoction.


40:Who wish I could be

A better version of me which I am working on currently.


41:Where I want to be right now

In a relationship with Grayson so I can cuddle in bed with him and watch scary movies so we both get scared and like grip onto each other for the rest of the night.


42:The last thing I ate

Dark Chocolate covered pistachios  I know it sounds weird but surprisingly good.


43:Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately

Grayson Dolan


44:A random fact about anything

I am related to Abraham Lincoln and Tom Hanks on my Grandfathers side ( my moms, dad.)

[uniformbravo]

“quick” life update while i wait for my ipod to charge

(do ppl even still use ipods in this day & age. whats spotify)

i never made any posts abt it but i started the new semester & im taking 2 classes, it’s funny actually bc i waited even more til the last minute than i usually do to figure out my classes & spent the 1st week of school trying to see a counselor to find out if i still needed classes and that’s a whole other story for a whole other day but long story short the answer was no but i decided to take a couple anyway

mainly because every time im not in school The Depression takes over & i just needed something to Do so im taking intermediate painting (even tho painting 1 made me want 2 die every day) and animation (even tho i’ve already decided i don’t want to be an animator????)

so heres the thing, okay, since these are classes i don’t need in order to fill any requirements or anything i had to pick them based on nothing, really, like my main reason for taking classes this semester was to give myself something to do, right. i picked painting because my friend had told me she was taking it so i was like yo i’ll just do that too bc we had fun last time & it’s a good way to stay in contact. originally that was gonna be my only class bc i knew it’d be a lot of work and time but then i talked to my school’s art counselor about transferring to another school after im graduated from here and i’d said i was maybe interested in storyboarding so we looked at schools with animation programs and i decided super last minute to just take the animation class here and Boy what a mistake

last semester i was talking on here about a computer art class i had considered taking but dropped bc it seemed kinda... shitty?? because i hated the way the teacher taught and i felt like i wasn’t gonna gain anything from the class??? well animation is taught by the same guy and hhhhhhhhh he’s so fucking unhelpful it’s such a nothing class

see i was hoping to learn some hand-drawn animation basics like timing, squash & stretch, the fucking bouncing ball assignment, shit like that, right. the teacher was like “today we’re gonna go over the 12 principles of animation” and i was like “sweet i’ve heard of that this’ll be good” & literally he brought up a list, read off most of the names, briefly described a few, and told us to google it if we wanted more info like?? holy shit dude????? thanks for nothing oh my god

i’ve been taking a lot of time practicing animating in flipnote studio on my 3ds and watching youtube videos and i’ve been learning so much more from that than anything explained by my teacher bc godddd. basically what the class boils down to is like. flash animation. so far we’ve been working in adobe illustrator and animate & i cannot stand illustrator. i know it’s a good and useful program and if i wanted to i could learn how to use it & eventually get used to it but just the way he teaches it makes me want 2 slam dunk my computer

the computer art basics class was strongly recommended to be taken before this class but tbh i don’t even think that’s the issue here because i tried to take that class and his method was the same; he does a demo on screen that you’re supposed to follow along and do with him and he explains what hes doing as he goes but he goes so fast that if u miss a step ur fucked 

and it’s not just that he goes fast, it’s also that theres no understanding of the program itself, like ok u know how in math there’s all these formulas where if u just plug numbers into them it gives u the right answer? i always understood formulas better when i knew what each variable stood for & why the values were being added or multiplied together because then it made it easier to extract the information i needed from word problems and also helped me memorize the formulas themselves easier because i could make those associations between numbers and purpose. i had the groundwork of the formula, so i could apply it to all kinds of situations

this class is like, he only gives you the very specific formulas required to accomplish very specific tasks in the programs so i can’t make the connections to figure out how to perform other tasks and i get super lost every time & it’s super frustrating & i could ask for help because he comes around and helps people who need it but i sit in the back corner so he never really even looks my way so i feel like i can’t get his attention w/o speaking up or getting up to go get him & i get lost so often that it’s really just a pain to ask him every single time

i just hate when i have a problem in one of the programs & i just have absolutely no clue how to fix it or even work around it? im used to photoshop and illustrator is just so opposite that my brain doesn’t want to work with it so im. 100% floundering in this class

we have 2 assignments during the whole semester, the first was a group project where we hand draw a 3-second animation (~30 frames) and that was literally the very first thing we did in the class with no prior guidance and honestly i suspect that the only reason he assigns it is to fill the requirement for a group project (which i know is a thing bc a lot of my past teachers have talked about it being a thing) so it was literally just. a nothing project

the second assignment is our final which is a 90-second animation (~1080 frames) and we have basically the rest of the semester to work on it, so about a month and a half-ish? and all we’ve learned how to do so far is motion tweening in animate, basically. i mean we did a ball-and-string thing which was kind of different but it mostly involved a lot of copy+paste bullshit in illustrator & also like automatic shortcuts & stuff, there was really no drawing involved at all

also it’s one of those classes where everyone just kind of messes around and does their own thing like?? i saw one girl reading manga on her computer & these two dudes at my table were comparing yugioh cards & i hear like 50 thousand conversations about anime every day & i mean im not one to talk tbh but it’s just the atmosphere, it feels like u either know what ur doing or u just fuck around w/ ur friends and im in the “neither of those” category and the girl who was reading manga is in the “both” category bc every other time i’ve looked over there she’s got this amazing masterpiece on her screen that she made in illustrator & i die inside every time what the fuckkc 

he showed us examples of final projects from last semester and i noticed that some of them were done traditionally or in programs that were obviously not illustrator so i asked him about it & he said it doesn’t have to be done in illustrator/animate as long as it’s 90 seconds long so Guess What i think i’m just gonna make it somewhere else lmaooo i mean i feel like it’s a missed opportunity bc i have these programs at my disposal & im not even using them but god amn. god fuckign damn

im thinking of animating it in flipnote bc that’s what i’ve been using & im pretty familiar with it by now but im not sure because there are some important things im not sure i’ll be able to accomplish with it like backgrounds (which are another requirement for the assignment) and i don’t want to back myself into a corner, especially with how little time i have to do it, so idk for sure. my other idea was to use clip studio paint but i have the pro version which only lets u use 24 frames per animation which totals out to a whopping 2 seconds so idk if i want to have to deal with that bullshit either. right now im considering making the rough animation in flipnote so i can figure out the timing & shit and then slapping it into clip studio to finalize everything (or technically i could even do that in photoshop, since im more familiar w/ it & can probably work faster there- from photoshop it’d be a matter of copying the finished frames into clip studio to export into 2-second clips & then compile those in movie maker & then bam finished animation)

so!!! it’s a lot of shit im dealing with in this class & im just like. if im doing it this way then why do i even need to show up for class. what am i even in this class for im just basically making an animation on my own time with my own resources using none of the techniques taught in the class. im only doing this animation because it’s an assignment for the class im not gaining anything from. it just seems so pointless & the only thing getting me through it is the thought that i could possibly put this in a portfolio somewhere down the line, and for that i’d want it to look nice and not rushed so im thinking that for the sake of finishing the assignment i might just use my rough animation so that i can spend more time on the “nice” version afterward

aaaanyway it’s um Late for me & i went on about this for too long but i needed to get it off my chest tbh, i’ve been thinking abt making this post for like 2 weeks so there u go. i didn’t even talk about my painting troubles good lord. if you’ve been wondering why i havent been online as much lately This is why. also bc im a huge loser and 100% of my free time has been going into watching anime bye

[southernconstellatiions]

Get to know me!

Tagged by @pyroinquisitor !!

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag people

THE LAST:

1. Drink: i had an orange soda with lunch xD 2. Phone call: i called my mom to have her pick me up so i could do laundry o: 3. Text message: sent a snap to my boyfriend telling him i love him and to he safe while hes delivering food in the rain 💕 4. Song you listened to: motion sickness by neck deep (im so excited for the new album) 5. Time you cried: tbh i just cry in my sleep sometimes because im a mess and constantly over stress and worry about everything xD

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: only this one time a year ago because my boyfriend was going through a rough time and we took a ‘break’ kinda ;-; 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: yeah, all my exes and more than once ive played drunk spin the bottle 8. Been cheated on: every relationship except this one :s 9. Lost someone special: lost, as in died? only family members when i was a lot younger. im absolutely terrified of anything ever happening to my boyfriend or my mom 10. Been depressed: once i didnt leave the house for three months straight so take a wild guess lol 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: i spent most of my freshman year drunk but i hold my liquor real well so thats always been good xD

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS:

12-14. dark blue, purple, and red

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: kinda, in a way? 16. Fallen out of love: no, thankfully i fall more in love each day 17. Laughed until you cried: at least five times that i can think of 18. Found out someone was talking about you: not that im aware of which is hopefully good 19. Met someone who changed you: met him years ago xD 20. Found out who your friends are: ive only got like three and im okay with that 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: i dont technically use facebook but my boyfriend was on my facebook list

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: maybe less than a hundred, the other 4500 friends and 2000 subscribers are all from when i did sitemodeling years ago because i was an emo fuck 23. Do you have any pets: eight dogs xD 24. Do you want to change your name: maybe my last name xp 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: went out to this bar where they make you custom cheeseburgers with my boyfriend, mom and her boyfriend 26. What time did you wake up: around 5pm like usual :p 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: watching the last episode of K o: 28. Name something you can’t wait for: my boyfriend to get home from work and to get a car since i finally got my license xD 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: two nights ago o: 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: if i could be a little skinnier and rich thatd be great xD 31. What are you listening to right now: the new episode of teen mom 2 xD 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: when i was in high school i knew this guy i called handshake guy because he never gave me hugs and i didnt know his name, but he finally rold me what it was the day he left school 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: how hot it is, 110°+ daily is absolutely ridiculous. thankfully monsoon season makes it slightly more bearable at night 34. Most visited website: probably twitter or tumblr 35. Mole/s: none 36. Mark/s: i have a scar on my knee from when i fell down a hill on elementary school during olympics day xD 37. Childhood dream: to eat more party pizzas than anyone in the worls 38. Hair colour: my original hair color is an ugly brown :/ but at the moment its half blue and half purple 39. Long or short hair: definitely long, my hairs never been shorter than my shoulders, right now its mid-back 40. Do you have a crush on someone: my love cx 41. What do you like about yourself?: i have good relationships and good taste in anime 42. Piercings: nose and snakebites but ive had so many more 43. Blood type: never gotten my blood drawn and havent been to a doctor since i was in elementary school so who the hell knows xD 44. Nickname: kaylaa, lightpole #1, white grape 45. Relationship status: taken 💗 46. Zodiac: scorpio 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favourite TV Show(s): game of thrones, naruto, one punch man, greys anatomy and like a billion more xD 50. Right or left hand: im ambidextrous which is pretty convenient sometimes lol 51. Surgery: none, that shits scary 52. Hair dyed in different colour: red, blue, pink, blonde, black, purple, brown, white, yellow 53. Sport: i hate sports and ive never played anything. i even took online pe to graduate lol 55. Vacation: id love to go to Japan or Europe. my favorite places ive been are washington and pennsylvania                                         56. Pair of trainers: idk what that’s referring to xD

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: wish i could be eating taco bell 58. Drinking: nothing o: 59. I’m about to: finish this episode of reen mom and then go to walmart xD 61. Waiting for: my love to get off work 62. Want: unlimited money xD 63. Get married: i neved wanted to but now i do 64. Career: id love to make a career out of my mosaics and stained glass

WHICH IS BETTER:

65. Hugs or kisses: my boyfriend gives me these super big hugs and kisses my face all over and its one of my favorite things cx 66. Lips or eyes: eyes 67. Shorter or taller: taller 68. Older or younger: older 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: stomach xD 71. Sensitive or loud: sensitive i suppose o: but my boyfriend gets loud and excited when he’s playing games with his friends and its cute seeing him all happy cx 72. Hook up or relationship: def. relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant, ive had enough trouble throughout my life xD

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a Stranger: during drunk spin ths bottle years ago lol 75. Drank hard liquor: so damn much 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: forever thankful i have perfect eyesight xD 77. Turned someone down: so many people tbh 78. Sex on the first date: nah 79. Broken someone’s heart: tbh probably 80. Had your heart broken: not yet thankfully 81. Been arrested: when i stole stuff from walmart in high school :/ 82. Cried when someone died: mmhmm 83. Fallen for a friend: my best friend and its been the best thing thats ever happened to me c:

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: not really 85. Miracles: ehh 86. Love at first sight: kinda cx 87. Santa Claus: no xD 88. Kiss on the first date: thats fine i guess as long as it goes well??

OTHER:

90. Current best friend name: lorenzo 💕 91. Eye colour: this greyish color :o 92. Favourite movie: balto, harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban, just like heaven o: