#i hope i did the tagging/labeling right it's been a while since i participated in one of these

[spookyboywhump]

Day One- Sick

Hello! I'm going to do my absolute best to participate in @ailesswhumptober this year! I know I'm already late on day one but. better late than never asdfghjk

This is technically the third (and last) part of These Two pieces, however I wouldn't say they're especially necessary to read this one, just know Wren had an incident with some barbed wire and cold weather.

Fandom: OC's/Original Work

Word Count: 2,533

CW: pet whump, sick whump, emeto, mentions of infections, nonsexual- nudity

***

Something was wrong. Zander was used to waking up in the middle of the night, sometimes for no reason at all, but he woke up that night immediately feeling like something was just off. Almost instinctively, still half asleep, he sat up and looked around the darkened room, before finally looking down at Wren, finding the source of his unease.

 Wren was still fast asleep, but he didn’t exactly look peaceful. He was curled up, arms pulled close to his chest, his eyes were squeezed shut tightly, like he was having a bad dream, and he was trembling. For a moment Zander thought he really was just having a nightmare, he hated to see him so distraught, but as he reached down to brush his hair back from his face he felt his forehead, he quickly realized the poor kid was absolutely burning up. His hair was soaked with sweat, Zander was immediately more awake and alert, his only priority taking care of Wren. 

 “Hey… kid, you need to wake up…” He said, gently shaking him awake. Normally he’d just let him rest but this felt really bad, he felt he needed to do something now. He knew Wren was a heavy sleeper, but after a bit of nudging him he finally stirred, opening his eyes and looking around the room, confused as to what was going on.

 “Huh…? Wh-what’s wrong…?” He murmured, reaching over to push Zander’s hand away. 

 “You need to get up, come on.” He said softly, trying to help him into a sitting position, but Wren just seemed to be confused.

 “Why…? ‘M tired… and I don’t… feel good…” He murmured, trying to lay back down, but Zander was already climbing out of bed to help him up. 

 “Wren, you’re burning up. You have a high fever and I need to cool you down, okay?” He told him. Wren seemed to understand him, or at least he understood that he was being very serious, and he allowed Zander to help him out of bed. He was swaying on his feet, Zander had to hold him steady to guide him to the bathroom. Once he had him under the light he could see just how flushed his face was, he was bright red and simply put, he looked completely out of it. 

 “Do you think you’ll be able to shower on your own?” Zander asked him, turning the shower on but letting the water stay cold. 

 “I… think I need help…” Wren said slowly. At least he understood what Zander was trying to do for him. “Will-will a shower help…?” He asked. His voice was hoarse, Zander wondered if his throat hurt too, but he needed to focus on just the one thing for now.

 “It’s going to be cold, but it’s to bring your fever down. Are you alright with me helping?” He asked, and after thinking for a moment Wren nodded. He got undressed and Zander helped him into the shower, he immediately flinched away from the water but after taking a few moments to get used to it he relaxed. He had to kneel on the floor, too unsteady to support himself, and Zander took the showerhead down to help him better. While he mostly intended to cool him down, he was able to help him clean up as well, washing the sweat out of his hair and giving him some relief. 

 Once he was done he helped him out of the shower and helped him dry off, he mostly just helped him dry his hair though. The last thing he needed was him getting even sicker because he went back to bed with wet hair in a cold room. As it got colder outside their room would also get colder, he didn’t know what was wrong with the way it was built but it was never kept at a comfortable temperature like the rest of the house. Then again, that may have been intentional, he wouldn’t be surprised. He helped him get dressed, he could hardly stand on his own, and then let him get back into bed. 

 “I’m sorry for waking you up, I know you probably wanted to sleep, but… I was worried when I felt how hot you were…” Zander told him, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

 “It’s alright… thank you…” He murmured.

 “Do you feel sick? Aside from the fever, I mean.” Zander said, putting the back of his hand to Wren’s cheek to check on him. He was still incredibly warm, the shower seemed to have brought it down a little bit but not by too much. He knew it wasn’t that far off that Wren might be sick, it was only a few days since Cain had left him out in the cold for hours, but still, he couldn’t help but worry about trying to take care of him when they really didn’t have any resources there in their cell. 

 “Hm… I’m cold now… and my throat hurts… feels like I’ve been swallowing sandpaper…” He yawned. 

 “Alright… Why don’t you try to get some more sleep, I’ll try asking Cain for help tomorrow, okay?” He told him, and Wren nodded.

 “Will you lay with me…?” He asked.

 “Of course.” Zander laid back down with him, Wren cuddled up close while Zander held him in his arms, waiting until Wren fell back asleep to finally drift off himself.

 ***

 Wren woke up hours later, he thought the sleep would’ve done him some good but if anything he felt so much worse. He was hot again, he was sweating and his clothes and hair were sticking to him and he couldn’t stand it, hardly thinking as he kicked the blanket off him and pushed Zander’s arm away. That alone was enough to wake Zander, but Wren was already jumping out of bed, rushing to the bathroom, he knew exactly what would happen to him when he got sick. He’d dropped to his knees just in time to vomit into the toilet, he heard Zander come in behind him and soon felt his hand gently rubbing his back, trying to comfort him through it. 

 He still felt nauseous and sick even after he was finally done, sitting on the floor with his knees pulled up to his chest, his head on his knees. He was trembling so badly he didn’t think he could stand, but Zander stayed with him, and Wren appreciated that he was willing to keep him company no matter how unpleasant it was.

 “Do… you feel better after that?” He asked him, and Wren shook his head, blinking back tears.

 “I just feel like shit.” He muttered. He gave himself a few moments to recover before struggling to his feet, turning on the sink so he could rinse his mouth out and wash his hands. He still felt too hot and overwhelmed by everything, but he desperately hoped that was the last time that would have to happen. 

 He went back to their room and flopped down onto the bed, trying to calm himself down. Zander came and sat down on the edge of the bed, looking down at him sympathetically. 

 “Hey, when Cain comes in I’ll try to ask him for help, okay? He’s often more… charitable to me when I get sick, so I think I can convince him to do the same for you.” He told him.

 “Yeah, but he-” He was interrupted by a coughing fit, bringing his arm up to cover his face, “He likes you more.” He finished, rolling his eyes. He wasn’t really thinking that hard about what he said, but it was how he felt. Usually he could reason that wasn’t true, Cain was harsh on Zander, he treated him differently but not nicely. In his miserable state though, all he could think about was how Zander could persuade Cain for better treatment, how Cain was charitable to Zander when he was sick, and how he’d beaten Wren senseless for absolutely nothing in the past.

 “What?” Zander laughed. “Cain doesn’t like me.”

 “He dislikes you a lot less than he dislikes me.” Wren shrugged. 

 “I’m sure he hates us both. Absolutely despises us, even.” Zander said, reaching up to brush Wren’s hair back from his forehead. Wren knew he was just trying to comfort him but he didn’t feel comforted, he just felt sad. Of course he had to get sick here, in this awful cell, in this awful place. He was thankful to have Zander with him, but at the same time he wanted to be at home. He wanted his bed, his stuffed animals, he wanted to take a long hot bath and eat his favorite comfort food. That wasn’t an option though, and that just made him all the more miserable. 

 While he laid there simply waiting for whatever was to come, he couldn’t help scratching at his arms. He was still covered in wounds from the barbed wire incident, it hadn’t been that long ago and while most had been reduced to scabs there were still some one his arms and legs that were constantly itching and irritating him, to the point he’d wake up with blood under his nails from scratching in his sleep. He knew it was bad, he knew he should leave it alone, but it drove him so crazy he couldn’t just ignore it. 

 “Wren- stop that.” Zander told him.

 “Why? It hurts.” He told him, but Zander was already grabbing his wrist and pulling his hand away. 

 “Shit, how long has it been like this?” He asked, and Wren frowned, he didn’t know what he was so upset about. He looked at him arm, yeah that particular wound didn’t look great, it was red and swollen, he hadn’t given it a chance to heal with how often he was picking at it. 

 “It’s fine.” He told him, using his hand to cover it.

 “It’s not fine, it looks infected. Shit, I should’ve helped you take care of it better.” He looked frustrated, and now Wren felt bad for not taking care of himself better. He didn’t have too much time to feel bad though, as the door opened and Cain stepped into the room, but he seemed to immediately notice something was off.

 “What’s wrong with the pup?” He asked, his eyebrows raised.

 “He’s sick.” Zander told him. “He needs help,  he’s had a fever all night, he threw up earlier, and now it looks like he has an infection…” He said, but Cain was already approaching to assess the situation for himself. He pressed his hand against Wren’s face and Wren almost wanted to lean into his touch, for once he welcomed how cold Cain’s hands were.

 “Shit, he is warm… Do you think this is making him sick, like what happened to you?” Cain asked, kneeling down to get a better look at Wren’s arm. 

 “I don’t know… it doesn’t look as bad as that, right?” Zander asked. Wren kept quiet and simply let them discuss him and his condition, he didn’t love it but he didn’t see any sense in fighting it either. 

 “Not, but you never know… I’ll get him something for the fever and something to eat later on, and I’ll see if Andrew has time to come look at this, okay?” Cain said, standing back up. He left the door open when he left, and Wren was shocked that he actually planned to do anything at all; he hardly knew what to think of it, just looking at Zander in disbelief. 

 “Is he… actually worried…?” He asked him. 

 “He doesn’t like dealing with infected injuries… after the one I had, I don’t think he wants to risk it.” Zander told him. 

 “What happened to you…?” He asked. Zander lifted his shirt, pointing out the scar across his chest.

 “That one was from a whip. I didn’t take care of it and not only did it get infected, but I got really sick, I actually had to stay and let Andrew watch me for a few days.” He told him, pulling his shirt back down. Wren shuddered, he didn’t want it to get that bad. He almost hoped the cold symptoms were completely unrelated, that there wasn’t any infection and there was nothing to worry about. He was already miserable all the time, he didn’t want to deal with his body attacking him as well.

 ***

 Cain did what he said he would do, he brought him some over the counter medicine he had for Wren to take to bring his fever down, and even left some so he could retake it hours later, and later on in the day he brought him some warm soup. It was oddly kind from Cain, and somewhat off-putting, but Wren appreciated it nonetheless. He would rather have that than nothing at all. 

 Andrew wasn’t able to come see him till the next day, which Wren thought would be fine, but by the time he got there, Wren felt so much worse. Everyone agreed he still had a fever, but he was so cold now, he was shivering so violently his muscles ached, his entire body felt sore. Andrew was being gentle as always as he looked him over, but Wren was still trying his hardest to hold back tears, he was just tired of feeling so terrible.

 “I think he just has a cold, you don’t need to worry much about that.” Andrew said, more to Cain and Zander than to Wren. 

 “What about his arm? Does that look infected?” Cain asked.

 “I don't think it's that severe, but if he keeps scratching at it he could risk getting a staph infection. I brought stuff for him just in case, keep an eye on it and make sure it doesn’t get any worse.” He sighed, standing up from where he knelt beside the bed. “I don’t think it’s as serious as what happened to Zander, but you can’t be leaving him out there in the cold, you already don’t take care of his health very well, I’m not the least bit surprised he got sick from that alone.” 

 “Oh whatever, if he’ll be fine then it doesn’t matter.” Cain rolled his eyes, immediately becoming defensive the moment Andrew tried to tell him what to do. While Wren was thankful Andrew would try to vouch for him like that, he wasn’t surprised that Cain brushed him off like that. He also wouldn’t be surprised if this happened to him again. When he got sick, he got sick, it had been like that his entire life, if this kind of treatment from Cain continued then he very likely would end up this ill again. 

 Once Andrew was done with looking him over, Cain left the room with him to walk him to the door, leaving Zander and Wren alone once again. Though he still felt terrible, he also felt like he was finally able to relax. It was nothing life threatening, he would be fine, he’d survive a simple cold of course, but just like everything else since he’d come here, he’d be miserable the entire time he endured it. 

[menalez]

Okay, so I want to be clear when I say again that white women in the suffragette movement said/did racist things, just as white women in feminists movements today say/do racist things,. Even white anti-racist activists will, at least on occasion, say and do racist things simply by growing up in a white supremacist society. I don’t want to give the impression that I’m disputing that reality. I only mean to illustrate some of the nuance (and why that matters today).

I sent those quotes in an effort to illustrate how the women’s suffrage movement was intertwined with universal suffrage, both white women and black men campaigned for each other’s right to vote. The women’s suffrage organizations grew directly from the basis of abolitionist movements. The initial suffrage (and wider women’s rights) movement was indistinguishable from the civil rights movement. When the 14th/15th amendment was proposed splits in the civil rights movement deepened — both white women and black women (and presumably some black men) campaigned against any amendment that didn’t include women. Similarly, black man and both white and black women favored the 15th amendment even without including women (of any race), who argued that women could wait. Ultimately the latter group saw their wish, and the division resulted in two separate organizations that continued to campaign for women’s suffrage.

The quotes you screen-shotted are undeniably terrible and exemplify the racism within the movements. To be nuanced however, they also span a wide range of individuals — from actual slave owners to women who said something racist but also directly participated in anti-racist activism.

To illustrate (from the quotes you provided):

Rebecca Latimer Felton - terrible human, slave owner, all out white supremacist

Carrie Chapman Catt - she later said “our task will not be fulfilled until the women of the whole world have been rescued from those discriminations and injustices which in every land are visited upon them in law and custom”, lobbied against the word “white” being added to the 19th amendment, and lobbied congress/used her presidency of the League of Women Voters to advocate for people of color and Jews

Elizabeth Cady Stanton - she also founded the Women's Loyal National League that led the largest abolitionist petition drive at the time, organized the American Equal Rights Association a suffrage organization that explicitly supported universal suffrage. The organization split when (mostly) the black men in the organization supported the 15th amendment without advocating for it to be extended to women. (She definitely said racist things around this time, similarly Frederick Douglass, who was both her friend and one of her main critiques at the time, said many sexist things.) The split was later merged back into one organization that she headed.

Anna Howard Shaw - I know very little about her. She definitely said many racist things, but she did champion universal suffrage and campaigned to end racial violence (arguing that universal suffrage would end lynchings). Still, she also failed to condemn racist actions by her peers.

Same as (1)

Belle Kearney - terrible human, slave owner, all out white supremacist

Frances Willard - confusing mix of actively recruiting and working with black women and also promoting racists myth that white women were in danger of black men that facilitated lynchings (due to her “temperance reform”). Also appeared to be more laissez-faire when president of the WCTU since she let conservative states hold on to conservative and/or moderate positions regarding reform for both women’s rights and racial justice.

Same as (1)

As for why it matters today:

No, women definitely won’t have the right to vote revoked for discussing racism in past movements. But there’s a difference between discussing racism, and perpetuating misinformation. One of the main ways the American government disrupted activist movements throughout history was to sow dissension in their ranks. (And the American government/military taught many of these techniques to foreign countries.) An excellent example of this is the COINTELPRO operation, but it’s only the tip of the iceberg. Their goal was to divide and conquer - a movement can’t make progress if it’s busy fighting itself - and poison the public’s opinions of the movements, so as to dissuade new members from joining. (At this point, I want to reassure you that while this may sound like a conspiracy theory, it is very much proven and it/other programs did much harm to domestic and foreign reform movements.)

The myth that the suffragette movement was specifically racist, rather than operating in concert with and emerging from, anti-racist activism contributes to this divide and conquer method of disrupting activism. If you (general you) can convince women of color that the “original feminist movement” (ignoring the ahistorical nature of such the label itself) actively campaigned against them, then it’s much easier to dissuade them from considering feminist activism or to divide activist movements. (And, if it were true, it would be entirely justified!)

Of course, that’s not to say that feminists shouldn’t criticize (or disavow, to the extent possible) white supremacists like Felton or Kearney, or that we shouldn’t discuss and reform the racist sentiments in past and current movements. (In fact, I believe, and expect you do as well, that doing so is not only permissible but necessary, because to deny the racism that did exist in past/current movements would alienate women of color just as much as the idea that the feminism-of-old was solely for white women, and would in fact be an expression of racism in and of itself.)

I hope this clarifies what I’ve been trying to convey.

im surprised about the claim that white women and black men campaigned for each other's right to vote. i was under the impression that the civil rights movement was largely focused on black men and often outright excluded black women having a say, so i don't really know why they would support other women (such as white women) having a say when i heard they didn't support that for black women, who were always black men's biggest supporters.

i do get your point, to a degree-- and i think we agree overall but simply word things differently. i don't think that the women's suffrage movement was Bad and i don't think the white suffragettes back then were like, all evil and more racist than the avg white person in their society. i would say overall, those women were quite forward thinking and progressive for their time. i don't doubt that a significant portion of women were far worse than that, and even opposed women's rights (bc of the society they grew up in where this was a controversial thing). my only argument is that pretending they weren't also racist and had traits worthy of criticism (such as their racism) is innaccurate. a lot of prominent suffragettes were quite racist, and that's not to say that their feminist beliefs lead to that or that women's rights is interwined with racism, but just to point out that even those women who fought for the right to vote for women were not particularly good allies to poc but most specifically black people, and more importantly, black women. i also wanted to point out that being anti-slavery and campaigning against it, did not mean they were generally anti-racism or fighting against racism overall. they were fighting against the worst and most extreme forms of racism in their time, but they were all still racist in their own right. i'd like to reemphasise what i initially shared that you disagree with (+ my tags, and my previous comment on it so as to be fully transparent), which is not that different from what you're saying imo:

now i'm not trying to argue the origin of the movement, what it rose out of, how it relates to racism or anything else; my qualms are with the claim that the suffragettes were not racist. maybe back then, they were closer to allies to black people than most, however they were still quite racist. similarly, since you brought up white allies, white allies today may be the best we have and the best in our time, but they are also still often quite racist themselves.

my main and only point is that these women were still racist, and this is not to discount the women's suffrage movement, i just think that when we deny that aspect of the past then what we're doing is alienating woc. i've noticed a general trend of white women on here saying that white women were targetted by the KKK for example, fixation on stuff that is targeted at white women like 'karen' and placed on equal grounds with calling black women 'laquisha' to berate them, arguments that white women dont have racial privilege, etc and while i don't think the people making such arguments are necessarily coming from a bad place, many woc seeing this will end up feeling like the movement is geared towards white women and does not properly consider & include woc. that's why i take issue with the claim that xyz white female historical figure wasnt racist bc she was pro-slavery abolition, like, sure that must've been really progressive for its time but at the same time it doesn't change that the same woman did work w white supremacists and white supremacy was used as an argument to support white women's suffrage. it probably worked as a strategy and helped pave the way for other women, but its good to acknowledge these issues and criticise them esp since they remain relevant today when people are still indirectly debating how much woc should be considered in feminism.

[aliendes]

Natural Borns - Prologue

ahhh finally posting this fic that I’ve had a bare-bones outline for, for over a year. I absolutely adore the idea behind this fic and the world that I am creating for it. If you like what you read here, please follow my blog for updates. My goal is to update this series at least once every two weeks, but I will likely post the first few chapters in the next couple of weeks. I look forward to growing this au, reblog if you enjoy! 

dystopian!au / futuristic!au 

Series info/genre: Angset, fluff, (possible) smut NSFW due to darker themes Pairings: ot7 x fem reader (eventual) Warnings: this series will have different trigger warnings listed for each chapter (if there are any), but as a whole, this series will include violence, mentions of depression & other mental illnesses, cursing, abuse, drugs/alcohol, some shitty medical descriptions because i am NOT a doctor, self-esteem issues, fluff, and possible smut in future chapters (but that’s undecided). i will add more warnings/tags in the future if there are any. Description: In the year 2613, over half of the world’s population are what scientists consider ‘designer babies’. YN is a small town girl who is a true natural born, someone born naturally without he help of a lab or gene splicing. Her DNA is greatly sought after, but what is she willing to do to protect it? Word count: 1569 (future chapters will be longer, this is just a prologue!)

In a world where social status is determined by looks, it’s beneficial to have the label ‘designer baby’. 

In the year 2613, over half of the world’s population are now what society considers a ‘designer baby’. This term designer baby, coined in 2051 when scientists in Sweden successfully incubated a baby to term by splicing different genes together, is what people call babies born in a lab. It is commonplace now for people to walk into a lab, go through a catalog of traits, pick out their favorites, pay a high price tag, and wait about 9 months for their baby to fully incubate. Then they can take their new bundle of joy home without all the pain (and sometimes heartbreak) of a pregnancy and labor. Most expecting mothers never go through pregnancy anymore, and labor and delivery wards have become nearly obsolete in the richer areas of the world. In their place, companies began to spring up on nearly every street corner that allowed hopeful parents to pick out their future offspring. 

The process was actually incredibly simple. Scientists are able to take the DNA of both prospective parents, and splice their genes with other genes of their choosing by removing certain markers for things like eye color while not compromising the parents original DNA structure, and create a zygote in a lab. After about 9-10 months of incubation, this zygote will eventually become the perfect baby, or at least, those parents' version of the perfect baby. The only reason the practice took so long to take off was because of the many protests and movements that took place in the late 2000’s. After the first designer baby was successfully ‘born’, people began to protest the process, saying that it was ‘messing with fate’ and that people shouldn’t have that much power over other humans. After decades of fighting and protests, the first designer baby company launched in 2108, in Seoul, South Korea. Since then, there have been smaller groups and nonprofit organizations that try to fight against gene splicing, but it is mostly accepted worldwide. 

Always at the forefront of technology, it was no surprise that the first designer baby company was in Seoul. Hundreds of years later, the largest population of designer babies and companies still reside in Seoul. Over 75% of the population of South Korea is made up of people who were created in labs and have the perfect balance of genes. Some call the country the most beautiful place on Earth. 600 years ago, people would say that because of its rich culture, and scenic countrysides. Now, it’s because the citizens are nice to ogle at. 

Designer babies are so common in South Korea, that schools, office buildings, and even entire apartment complexes were built for them. In today’s society, your job, your relationships, and your status is determined by how beautiful you are. It’s easy to tell who is a designer baby and who isn’t. Most people born in labs have distinct features, mostly from the same pool of genes. You see, after a while, scientists started running out of natural DNA to use that people still thought was unique enough. Now, most designer babies have features that stem from the same catalogs, as they are the most popular. Sure, they’re pretty, but they’re beginning to look a lot alike. 

Part of the reason natural DNA is so hard to find now, is because a lot of designer babies end up procreating with what scientists dubbed ‘natural borns’, or people with 100% natural DNA, and so most people's DNA is muddled throughout generations. These people are not good candidates for gene splicing as the outcome is not easily controlled. Coming across a true natural born is extremely rare these days and the ones you do find are almost always average looking in society's eyes, so labs don’t bother trying to splice them. It’s not that there are NO natural borns willing to give up their DNA. Companies have applicants all the time, what with the hefty sum they pay their donors, but most do not make it past the application stage once said companies determine their genes unusable for various reasons.

Another problem laboratories run into is the willingness of participants in donating their DNA. The process isn’t as simple as a cheek swab. Once applicants learn about the often painful procedures involved in donating, they tend to back out before signing a contract. These contracts, depending on the company, usually requires the donors to live on company property until they have successfully spliced their DNA. This process involves the donor to take different cocktails of drugs, be put under anesthetic, and be poked and prodded by scientists for weeks at a time. It isn’t the most comfortable thing to go through, but they’re often offered substantial compensation, especially now with the shortage of true natural borns. Some larger companies have been accused in the past of abusing their donors, locking them in prison-like cells and depriving them of food and water, treating them as nothing more than a business transaction, which has also caused natural borns to stray away from donating.

Finding natural borns, or at least partial natural borns isn’t all that hard, though, as most natural borns live in smaller communities outside of larger cities. Because the population of designer babies only continues to grow, most employers no longer hire average looking people. There are even separate schools and hospitals that cater specifically to natural borns, often run by natural borns, since there are a significant portion of designer babies who do not socialize with naturals. Naturals are often considered low-class, and are looked down upon by those in high society. The crime rates against natural borns is becoming increasingly high, which has unfortunately pushed a lot of them outside of metropolitan areas. This resulted in a new social hierarchy where natural borns are at the bottom of the food chain, often poor or even homeless, struggling to find jobs. 

In recent years there have been more protests and rallies ran by both designer babies and natural borns who believe in rights for everyone, they are humans after all,  to try and fight against the discrimination that is heavily ingrained in today’s culture, but not much headway has been made yet. Currently, all world leaders and politicians are designer babies, so going up against them hasn’t been the easiest. 

Because protests are happening more often, companies are having to be even more discreet when it comes to ‘scouting’ potential candidates for donating DNA. They’ve become more desperate to find the new and innovating genes, something unique and different that will drive business in time where labs are a dime a dozen and new genes are hard to come by. 

You would know all about that, though. You are living in a small rural town outside of Seoul with your mother and father, both natural borns. Your family has owned a peach farm for the last few decades and makes enough money to upkeep the small orchard by selling to local markets and restaurants. You’ve been approached multiple times by companies, offering enticing amounts of money to you and your parents, promising things like apartments in the city, college tuition, and fancy cars, if you sold them your DNA. You were a true natural born, a rarity, especially in Korea. Not only did you have pure DNA, but you were unique. You weren’t average looking, no you were ethereal, gorgeous, spectacular in many people's eyes. Not for the reasons that you would’ve liked, though.

People only wanted you for your DNA. Whether it be companies who wanted to splice your genes, or other natural borns who wanted to court you and keep you for themselves, breed you and sell their children off to make a quick buck. It was sick, and that’s why your family kept you close. After you graduated high school, you didn’t attend university and didn’t get a job. You stayed on the farm and helped out your father in the orchard. You knew the dangers of the big companies and citizens alike who only wanted to use you. It made you wary of people, shy, and sometimes insecure about your own person. Your parents did their best to keep you safe, shield you from the horrors of the world, and make sure you felt loved. But oftentimes, you felt lonely, left out, especially when you didn’t have many friends. You felt like an outsider, and even though you were considered incredibly beautiful, you didn’t feel like it.

Growing up wasn’t the easiest for you, having gone to a poor, all natural born school from preschool until you graduated. You didn’t have many friends, most of your classmates bullied you, telling you that you didn’t belong there, that there was no way you weren’t one of those designer babies from the big city and that your parents were lying to you, or you were adopted and didn’t know. These comments were hard to hear, but in the end, you know the truth. You are a pure natural born, and your parents loved you and would do anything to protect you.

But when a mysterious company won’t leave you alone about donating your DNA, you start to question your parents protectiveness over you. Among other things, your biggest question was; what made you so special? 

To be continued...

[lizallanapologist]

The problematic behavior of Tomdaya stans; a thread

Some of you might not be aware of the stalkerish problematic stuff tomdaya stans have done with Tom and Zendaya’s life but it’s gotten to the point where Tom’s own brothers protect with big scrutiny every single female in Tom’s life because they fear they’re going to get bullied or harassed. This is not OK and this has to stop so we’re exposing their toxic behavior. 

This is only to bring awareness and we do not condom any hate or death threats, don’t send hate to tomdaya accounts, either block them or report them but don’t bully them. Many of them might need professional help dealing with the fact that Tom and Z are not together due to the fact that they created an illusion in their heads for a long time but that doesn’t mean some of them aren’t plenty manipulative and love to get away with bullying and harassment. 

If you don’t know, Tom was recently seen with another woman on his instagram, not going to say the name and please don’t try to find out about her, the relevant information is in this post and all of the private information regarding her is being protected for the same reasons. Many stans decided to apply the same treatment to her as they did to Olivia. If you don’t know what happened last year, all information is here. The fact that this kind of bullying and harassment got overlooked is horrifying. 

This specific behavior doesn’t apply to all of the stans but the vast majority is on the same page. 

A big thanks to all the blogs who contributed with information and their writing in this post.

STALKING 

1. Tomdaya stans have made an entire thread/timeline of events in Tom and Zendaya's life that they manipulated so it can be seen as proof of them dating. They stalk every single part of their lives, from paying stalkerish apps to review their instagram activities daily to having a constant GPS to know their exact locations everyday. They ask twitter accs, owners of restaurants/stores, people close to them information about their whereabouts/the things they buy or eat/who they were with, etc.

They order their ‘’interactions’’ with specific dates and they even know information you shouldn’t know about them. 

They pay for apps that helps them stalk their every move. That’s right, they take every like as proof of them being together. 

They hide behind the pretext that they're celebrities and this is what they've signed up for but neither Tom nor Zendaya have signed up for constant daily harassment of their partners in life. 

HARASSMENT OF PARTNERS

Tom was seen last year with a blonde girl called Olivia, everyone speculated that was his girlfriend and that was something everyone should’ve respected since it’s Tom’s life and he’s in control of it, instead, many fans including Tom H. crazy fans and tomdaya stans, decided to stalk and harass Olivia to the point she had to make her account private. They started bullying her by publicly calling her names like ‘’Olive Oil’’, ‘’Ugly old woman’’, ‘’Ugly fake bitch’’ among other names. They continuously compare her with Zendaya and write on her friends and family members’ social media and ask them to tell Olivia nasty things. You really think this is ok? 

Same is happening with the girl Tom was seen with. Tom’s own brothers asked several people to take down and delete the video because they were disrupting her privacy. Many stans didn’t care and started all over again harassing the girl. (I’m not posting images or the identity of this new girl in hopes that this helps maintain a little big of privacy for her.) 

However here are some examples of them harassing Olivia:

’’I saw a troubling post on twitter about this fan dming another fan saying that they’d kill her (Olivia). That they’d find a way. So that “the fans can have him all to ourselves” - source

MANIPULATING THE NARRATIVE

Tomdaya stans and some Tom Holland crazy stans love to harass Tom Holland to the point that they tag family members and friends only because he decided to go out in public with Olivia. They call him cheater, manipulator, a dumbass, made fun of him because Tom is dyslexic calling him an illiterate, mocked him and tried to cancel him in every opportunity given by manipulating everyone into thinking some of these ‘’facts’’ are true. 

Many fans don’t know better and go to social media to frame Tom as a scumbag because many tomdaya stans have convinced the public of this.

This same issue occurs with Zendaya. Her known boyfriend; Jacob Elordi, is frequently called a cheater and is being investigated every five seconds on every social media, candid, interaction ever. Many fans are already calling him cheater, telling everyone Zendaya’s changed her behavior thanks to Jacob and that she needs help. 

Source

BULLYING

The definition of cyberbullying according to Stopbullying.gov:

“Cyberbullying is bullying that takes place over digital devices like cell phones, computers, and tablets. Cyberbullying can occur through SMS, Text, and apps, or online in social media, forums, or gaming where people can view, participate in, or share content. Cyberbullying includes sending, posting, or sharing negative, harmful, false, or mean content about someone else. It can include sharing personal or private information about someone else causing embarrassment or humiliation. Some cyberbullying crosses the line into unlawful or criminal behavior. “

Examples of cyberbullying on Tumblr from good ole Toutdesuite360:

https://toutdesuite360.tumblr.com/post/190572803098/faces-haha-ive-heard-this-has-been-memed-when

Making fun of Jacob Elordi’s wealth… but that isn’t that only thing that the Tomdaya stans have done.

She basically implied that Olivia looked like an elderly lady, and she permitted her followers to humiliate her.

Funny, that a middle aged woman who has never revealed her face on her blog is bullying a young woman.

(She may have deleted the link to save her a** on the post with the Cher pictures, but thankfully @crazypeopleonfandom​ took screenshots of this post; I got most of my photos from them)

The next aren’t pertaining to the ‘innocent’ Toutdesuite360, just some random jerks from Twitter/Instagram. If you have the time, you can read through them.

See the pictures above and below for reference.

Labelling Zendya, Jacob E., Tom, and Olivia as cheaters, when there was no confirmed relationship between Tom and Z, and Jacob broke up with Cari already is plain disrespectful. These are type of claims are considered slander, and I’m surprised that the people who own these accounts haven’t been rightfully sued.

And remember when I talked about the repetition of people tagging Tom and Z’s family for their ‘thoughts’? Why are you tagging Nikki in your post?

Calling Olivia, once again, a vulgar word that shouldn’t be used for any woman.

This person and many other tomdayas are harassing Zendaya and Tom by tagging them repeatedly. Now we know why Tom stopped using Twitter, and why he may be taking breaks from social media.

And, as pointed out in another point on the thread: Tom has dyslexia! I easily ignore the posts that tease him about his lips, but when it comes to his disability, that crosses the line. It is unacceptable to bully someone just because your fantasy relationship doesn’t seem so real now.

Before I finish this point, I just want to remind people that celebrities are humans too. Everyone has feelings, and even if they haven’t seen these posts, it is still harmful to post this kind of information on your account. Fans who are young (or naive) may see these posts, thus making them believe that Tom actually cheated on Z, and that Z is really with Jacob as ‘payback’ to Tom. Bullying is still an ongoing issue, and maybe you should stop harassing/humiliating people on your platform.

DEATH THREATS

Olivia, Tom and his family, friends, Zendaya, Jacob Elordi, etc. They were sent death threats as a result of a fictional ship. This is truly upsetting and we’ve shown some proof of that above and it’s truly sickening how many of them really want to attack Olivia in public only because of a few photographs. 

DEBUNKING EVIDENCE

While we don’t know anything for sure, we need to trust and respect what Tom and Zendaya have said several times: they were never together and they were just friends. This is a topic that makes them feel uncomfortable and tomdaya stans decide to twist their words every time they want to clarify the situation, saying they’re hiding their relationship and that they’ve been hiding it for over 3 years. 

Stop believing everything SpideyParker on YouTube says, that person desperately wants them together so they’ll do anything in their power to make it seem like that they’re ’’still together’’. All of their evidence is also nothing but scraps. I can also make a video cropping out certain individuals from the frame to make it look like Tom is with someone or I can also investigate every tiny detail to a borderline degree to make it seem like Zendaya is dating someone. It’s really easy to manipulate the truth, so don’t fall for these things so easily. Check with the real sources, Tom and Zendaya. Trust and respect what they say it’s not your job to investigate and figure their lives out.

Their evidence of the relationship is ridiculous, stuff like them wearing the same clothes,

because obviously there’s no way this jacket is in any random store in the world...This is a unique jacket, made by Tom and Z specifically...And it’s not even the same jacket. If we’re going by their logic, then

More, more, more and more.

Source

Robert Downey Jr. and Tom have been in a relationship for a long time...

Angourie, Remy and Tom wearing the same jacket.

I have no idea what’s going on with the freaking necklace you swear with blood that Zendaya gave him but that’s hardly something special:

Matching necklace with Olivia.

Avengers necklace.

He likes necklaces, nothing special here.

'’Tom only goes to Zendaya’s home, and only goes out with her!’’

Tom Holland went to RDJ's house to watch Black Panther with him.

Tom and RDJ facetime daily.

Obviously, his only friend is Zendaya...

Look at him and Zendaya there, wow.

‘‘Tom looks at her with heart eyes and in a very special way!’‘

Excuse me, what is he supposed to do? Ignore Zendaya and look somewhere else every time she talks?  

MORE

He literally looks at everyone the same way.

‘‘He only does Spider-Man because he wants to be the Peter Parker to his Mary Jane, one of the most romantic comic book couples!’‘

I can’t believe I once read this as proof but I haven’t forgotten about it.

Interview with Tom and Laura:

“Is Zendaya’s character Mary Jane Watson?’’

Tom Holland: “No, no! This is one of those rumours, that like, we’ve all said it’s not true.

Laura Harrier: It’s not true!

Tom Holland: Like, we keep on… You guys keep building yourselves up for disappointment.

Laura Harrier: Unless we don’t know how this started? Because you guys are gonna see this movie and be like “…Ugh.” She’s Michelle!

Tom Holland: She’s a character called Michelle.

Laura Harrier: She’s playing Michelle.

Tom Holland: 100%. Hands down. Her character’s called Michelle. And she’s sort of this weird, quirky one in the friendship group that Peter has. She’s funny, but she’s super strange.

Laura Harrier: Yeah, super dry humour.

Tom Holland: She’s 100% not Mary Jane. It’s funny, everyone’s like “Is she Mary Jane?” and I’m like NO, I’M TELLING YOU! SHE’S NOT MARY JANE!

Source

‘‘He did the Will Smith thing with her, he loves her!’‘

‘’He only ever talks about her! He only praises her!’’

Angourie Rice.

Robert Downey Jr, 2, 3

Laura Harrier, 2

Elizabeth Olsen.

Jacob Batalon.

Chris Hemsworth.

Jake Gyllenhaal.

And the list goes on and on.

‘‘He always goes to her special events only! He only goes to her parties! He only goes to hospitals with her! He was on the set of Euphoria with her!’‘

How about, he goes out with her and everyone else in group and individually? He goes out with Harrison alone, with Jacob alone, with Laura alone, etc. I love how many of them love to leave out certain people to make everyone believe it’s only the two of them. And he doesn’t only goes to hospitals with her, he’s gone with many other people and he does it because he’s a good person, not because he’s on a date with Zendaya. 

Tom AND Jacob visit Zendaya on the set of the Greatest Showman.

Tom and friends celebrating Harrison’s birthday party.

Tom on a double date.

Tom going to Joe Russo’s restaurant to get an exclusive cooking lesson from Jessica Largey.

Tom on birthday parties.

Tom, Laura, Harrison and Harry out for dinner in Brazil.

Tom, Brie Larson, Tessa Thompson, and Zachary Levi in a club in Brazil.

Tom, Laura, Jacob, Harrison in a pool party.

RDJ & Tom Holland visit Jon’s restaurant and participate on his show.

Tom Holland visits Doctor Strange’s set.

Tom Holland, Ciara Bravo, Joe Russo visit haunted attraction.

He’s a good person and loves supporting his friends.

‘‘He only has chemistry with her!’‘

Tom and RDJ’s extraordinary chemistry.

Tom and Jake’s chemistry.

Tom and Jacob’s chemistry.

Tom and Laura’s chemistry.

Tom and Daisy’s chemistry.

Tom and Chris Pratt’s chemistry.

Also Will Smith, Chris Hemsworth, etc. 

Look below for Ciara and Tom’s chemistry.

Like I said before, maybe he’s a good actor and that’s it? 

‘‘Their FFH kiss was too real and magical!’‘

Spoiler alert for Cherry

Fan about witnessing Tom’s kiss with Ciara Bravo:

His reaction about kissing Laura Harrier:

‘‘He LOVES touching her’‘

I’m sorry, is he supposed to be scared of touching people?

This is it. This is the big touch they always talk about and the only times they’ve ever held hands is in manips or in FFH, but that doesn’t count, those are fictional characters. Well...

Maybe he’s a touchy person. Consider that.

’’She’s the only one that knows him well!’’

How well do Zendaya, Jacob, & Laura know Tom?

I’m sure Harrison, RDJ, his friends and others know him pretty well too. 

And only because he knows she likes ice cream doesn't mean she’s his ultimate soulmate or something blown out of proportion.

‘‘He’s only a gentleman with her!’‘

Tom saves Gina Rodriguez

Tom rescues fan

Karen Gillan

‘‘He looked way too in love with MJ to be fake’‘

Nope.

Nope 2

Nope 3

It’s called acting, pretty sure you guys know by now he’s good.

‘’They’re inseparable!’‘

Jacob, Tom and Harrison 

Also, why is it that every female in his life is his cousin, aunt, close childhood friend or ‘’he probably hates her’’ for you? 

They’ve said this multiple times but:

In an interview with Elle, Tom said he is not involved with anyone at the moment but is "definitely a relationship person." And when addressing the rumors, he says it’s uncomfortable and annoying when people ship him and Zendaya together. 

Zendaya also denied the claims, telling Variety Magazine that she and Tom were simply ‘just friends’. 

You can ship them if you want, as a bromance or cute chemistry, but not at the expense of someone else. Not when you violate their privacy, their lives and specially not when you bully, harass and stalk every detail of their lives.

Zendaya is clearly very happy with Jacob Elordi:

Let her have that. No, she doesn’t look miserable with him, no, he didn’t change her style or her personality. No, she doesn’t dress differently because of him. She is the same as always, she looks even happier. Let her be. This is good for her. She has every right to go out in public with her boyfriend. And for the love of god, stop commenting on her instagram posts ‘’warning’’ her that Jacob is going to cheat on her. Hopefully that won’t happen ever. 

And no, they’re not going to magically ’’get back together’’ when Spider-Man 3 starts filming, stop wishing bad luck on Zendaya and Jacob’s relationship. Tom is not going to magically realize how ‘’wrong’’ he was for ‘’leaving’’ Zendaya. He never left her, he’s her friend. 

All of this have gotten to the point where Tom can’t have a friendship with a female and he has to ‘’protect’’ them every time he wants to interact with them. Do you guys seriously think this is ok? Are you really a fan of his if this is how you want him to live? Controlling him all the time? 

Do you realize how wrong and unfair it is for the other partner every time you comment in every single picture on instagram, twitter, etc about how ‘’cute’’ Tom and Zendaya are? About how ‘’ugly’’ Olivia is? How about when you compare Zendaya and Olivia, or every single female in Tom’s life? Or when you comment on Zendaya’s instagram telling her she is different now and that you don’t like her now because she’s changed for Jacob? Telling her that Jacob is going to cheat on her? Stop sending death threats to the partners, stop tagging their families in your ‘’evidence/proof’’ posts/tweets. Just because they don’t voice these things doesn’t mean they don’t read them. 

Being sincere, if you all, as a collective; really, genuinely cared about Tom, this is the last thing you would wanna pull. In your endless obsession with thinking you have a right to dictate the life of a man simply because he's famous; actually stopped once to consider how this is possibly making Tom and Zendaya feel?? You are basically sending the message that nobody is enough, that him being happy isn't enough, that he won't ever be allowed to be happy until he gets with the person YOU think is best for him. Fucking abhorrent, how they don't have a choice on who they choose to fucking love. This is how you make a celebrity jaded. THIS is how you make a celebrity hate you. And he will, unless you stop your bullshit, and treat him; and whoever he decides to be with, like human beings.

When you focus only on two people it’s easy to believe anything, try and see the bigger picture. Allow Zendaya and Tom to enjoy their lives without harassing them and their partners.

[thominho-incorrectquotes]

A kiss is all I want

So I wrote a little something for Christmas (I’m a bit late, sorry).

Anyway, hope you like it!

Words: 667

Tags: Post-canon, fluff

You can read it on AO3 and ff.net

______________________

They were on their spot on the beach. It wasn't unusual, they always spent their times there. But today was actually special. Even from here, they could hear the sounds of celebrations coming from the fire place.

The immunes were celebrating Christmas. Again, something Minho and Thomas remembered as a thing, but had no memories of it. While everyone was having a big party together, both boys had wanted to be alone, just the two of them. Sometimes, it was a bit overwhelming to be around so many people.

Besides, for them, it is was the best way to celebrate, just being with each other.

They were laying on the sand, Thomas's head on the Keeper's chest, wrapped in Minho's arms. The best place in the world honestly.

Their relationship was weird. They were definitely best friend, they have been ever since they survived the night in the Maze. However, they were always hugging, they slept together in the same bed, they held hands during lunch… Heck, Minho even called Thomas "Baby".

But they didn't need to put a label on it. What they had together was enough. It was simple and perfect. Even if sometimes Minho wanted more.

The Asian knew his feelings for the brunet weren't platonic. He was in love. So madly in love. But, what could he do? The dumb shank was so oblivious.

"You sure you don't want anything?" Thomas asked, breaking the silence. When the immunes started preparing for Christmas, they made some little gifts to exchange. Minho and Thomas had agreed to not participate, they didn't need anything. Being alive and with each other was enough.

But now, Thomas was doubting. Maybe there was something that could make his friend happy? He always wanted to make Minho happy.

"Just being with you is enough baby."

Minho was not even joking. But no matter what he said or did, his best friend would never take a hint. And by the roll of eyes Thomas just did, he knew that his advances were once again not taken seriously.

"But, you sure?"

Minho thought about it for a moment. Maybe he could try another tactic.

"Hmm… I would like a kiss actually."

"A kiss?"

"Yes, a kiss."

"Ok."

That was it. What he had wanted for so long would finally happen. As Thomas approached his face to his, his heartbeats were getting faster, excitement took over him and he slowly closed his eyes, preparing for what was about to come.

Thomas kissed him… on the cheek.

There were no words to describe how disappointed Minho was right now. He stood up, shoving the brunet aside, and began walking towards their home.

"What the hell Minho, what's wrong?" he asked, confused by the whole thing.

However, the boy didn't reply. Thomas ran to stop him in his track.

"You didn't want a kiss from me, is it that?"

Minho sighed.

"You're such a slinthead. I'm tired to you being so oblivious."

He began walking again only to be stopped by the brunet.

"Is it that… you wanted another kind of kiss?"

"Wow, can't believe you figured it out" he snarked, but turned his head away, trying to hide the blush that was beginning to appear on his face.

"Just say so, you dumb shank" Thomas replied in the same tone, before taking the older boy's face in his hands and putting his lips on his.

Butterflies immediately invaded Minho's body. He gripped the boy's shoulders, pressing the smaller body on his. It was really all he ever wanted.

Thomas deepened the kiss, one hand slithering to the raven hair, making them both moan. It just felt so good. They never felt so connected, so close. They never wanted to let go.

They parted for breath, but Minho still held his best friend in his arms, where he belonged.

"Guess I should have been clearer and say I wanted you for Christmas."

"You have me" Thomas replied. "You had me and you'll always have me."

____________________________

Hope you liked it and happy holidays! 

[captain-of-the-historicfuture]

~hello~ !! For the meta asks!: 3, 6, 9, 12, 15, 18, 21, 24, and 25 :))

Hello!! Thank you for sending these; I was really excited to see that ask game and I was hoping somebody would send some in. It still took me a while to actually answer them though, and for that I apologise. But without further ado! Some meta answers (under the cut because they ended up being fairly long, whoops):

3. What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (Consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway.)

I thought of a few examples, but they could basically be grouped together under a common theme: whumpy/angsty scenes that were self-indulgent as all heck. The whole self-indulgent aspect often required the characters to be just the teeniest, tiniest bit OOC and/or necessitated rather unrealistic plot circumstances. So it was simply easier to keep such scenes as maladaptive daydreams, rather than trying to think of explanations for the character/plot issues…or exposing myself to judgement for them LOL.

Receiving permission to write/share one such scene anyway is an opportunity I can’t let slip by though. It might be because I’m writing this while running on zero (0) hours of sleep—let’s hear it for insomnia, y’all!—but I suddenly couldn’t remember any of my newer ideas under this category. However, I did recall a one-shot I had started writing a couple of months ago that sort of counts? “Sort of” because I could actually be arsed to write it since I was, ya know, writing it. Only got about six hundred words down though.

…should I share those six hundred words…?

………nahhh. I don’t think I’m quite ready for that yet.

But here’s the gist of it: Coulson and May (because of course it’s Philinda) were married for quite some time before the Attack on New York. But then Coulson DiedTM and then got ResurrectedTM. But gasp of horror, he had to lose his memories of his romantic relationship with May because reasons. (I actually did have some ideas for those reasons but sshhhh this is about me yeeting context and setup.)

The first half of S1 still happens as normal (except MayWard doesn’t happen because??? Vows) and it’s now post-E20 “Nothing Personal”. The morning after (or a morning soon after, whatever) the T.A.H.I.T.I. reveal! May’s mom—who doesn’t know about GH.325 and whom May fed a cover story about Coulson divorcing her or something equally as oof, IDK—shows up at the hotel and starts ripping into Coulson for breaking her daughter’s heart, then dragging her back into the field with her ex-husband (him), then accusing her of terrible things and forcing her away again.

Poor guy’s confused as heck, and so is the team, and soon enough so is Lian. The only one who understands what’s going on is May, and she’s freaking dying off to the side like why is this happening to me and eventually everybody’s like! Explain??? (Was thinking about including something from Coulson like, “Are you still keeping things from me?” Just for that extra smidge of angst, yay!)

So yeah then May gives a, like, two-sentence debriefing that elicits more questions than answers. Coulson decides to take May aside and they have a heart-to-heart. Lots of feelings and angst and hurt/comfort and at some point plenty of kissing too. Just! May hiding her feelings for Coulson’s sake but really magnified, plus some actual apologies and consideration of the grief May’s been through on Coulson’s part.

And uhh yeah that’s basically it I dunno hdsjncjshd. I warned y’all it’s OOC, plot-bendy, and very self-indulgent!

6. What character do you have the most fun writing?

I don’t think I could name a single character for this. I get different things out of taking on different voices, you know? I guess recently I’ve found myself gravitating towards more taciturn and introspective points of view, like JQ from my original novel Rosewood or M. Yisbon from my…other original novel Temple.

Generally, however, I like tackling stories from an outsider’s perspective. That’s why I so rarely write my more “substantial” (serious? demanding? for lack of better words?) projects from the PoV of my “preferred” character. This usually means writing from their love interest’s perspective, but not always. With shorter fanfic, using a more removed/unconventional/niche PoV can be really fun. Like, I once wrote a canon compliant ficlet purely(-ish) about Philinda from Tony Stark’s perspective. That isn’t always sustainable with stories that demand more character development or closer character studies, however, which is why it’s a good thing I like writing drabbles!

9. Are you more of a drabble or a longfic kind of writer? Pantser or plotter? Do you wish you were the other?

My word counts tend to run long, but I usually only write one-shots for fanfic. If I’m even inspired with a novella- or novel-length story idea for a fandom, you already know I’m in deep with them. And if I actually find the motivation to plan and execute that idea? Dangg. That’s only ever happened…twice, maybe thrice, and I’m in a lot of fandoms.

At times, I wish I could go for more of a middle ground ’cause, like, you know what I love to see? An AO3 dashboard with several completed novellas for my ship/character of choice. I mean yes, I hecking love >90k fics, but sometimes I’m in the mood for quick reads…and what am I supposed to do when I burn through all the drabbles and 2k one-shots? (Besides despair and/or reread my faves desperately.) Novellas are basically always safe for me LOL, and I’d hope to be able to give as much as I take.

Ultimately though, I think I’m okay with where I am with regards to that. I wish I could write more in general, but I’d be okay with “writing more” just meaning “writing more one-shots”, ya know? More than okay, really. I have mad respect for fic writers who have, like, a hundred or more one-shots under their belt for this one ship. The fandom ecosystem would be incomplete without them (as well as every other type of writer, but sshhh that’s the type of writer I’m closest to being right now).

I’m definitely a plotter, and I definitely prefer it that way. It’s cool having such a detailed record of my process. I like feeling like a frazzled genius on the brink of a major discovery with all of my different outlines and colour coding and many drafts and various websites.

12. Do you want your writing to be famous?

Not exactly. It might be cool if my original works were recognisable in the world, but I don’t think I’d want to be recognisable. As for fanfic, I’d low-key enjoy gaining a place in that fandom’s community as a fic writer. Like someone who gave and got fic gifts from fic writer friends, who participated in challenges and GCs, who received writing prompts on Tumblr, whose name was known for doing a certain trope/genre a bunch of times… Ya know what I mean?

Unlikely to happen when I’m so hecking hesitant to publicly (i.e., outside of AO3) claim credit for my writing, but fjnskfsjhfjs. A writer can dream, right?

15. Which is harder: titles or summaries (or tags)?

Of those three, tags are the easiest for me, for I have a reliable system for figuring out those.

Next easiest would probably be titles. For fanfiction, I like to use titles that are a quote from the source material. You should have seen all of my old Hamilton fanfic… I was really proud of some of those titles. And I don’t mean, like, whole lines—usually only two to five words. It’s a unique type of wordplay that I just love dabbling in.

And lastly, summaries. Sometimes inspiration strikes me and a snappy and intriguing synopsis just jumps out—one that I’m quietly pleased with—but most of the time I’ll spend way too long trying to think of such a synopsis and eventually just go with whatever I’d come up with so far. And live with my quiet dissatisfaction for the rest of time.

18. Do any of your stories have alternative versions? (Plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterisations...?) Tell us about them!

Typically, no. If I have deleted scenes, I save and publish them separately, but that’s about it. I sometimes think of AUs for my own work and might talk about them in my author’s notes—might even talk about writing them—but I never really do anything with them.

Although…

It’s not uncommon for me to decide a plotline isn’t working for a certain story or to think of an interesting but undoable arc for a certain character, but what I’ll do is make a whole new story for those ideas. Once I’m done developing the original idea and the branched-off one, you probably wouldn’t be able to tell they grew from the same roots. Does that count?

21. What other medium do you think your story would work well as (film, webcomic, animated series, etc.)?

That depends on the story. I’ve actually written stories in other mediums—movie screenplay, musical stageplay, poetry, TV show scripts, play scripts, roleplay—but the novel does tend to be my comfort zone. Sometimes, if I have an idea that I think could work, or would even work better, as another medium, I’ll label it as such in my folder of ideas and decide not to write it as a novel.

Most of the time, my non-book projects are collaborations. I’m working with five different people on six different story ideas: two webcomics, one stage musical, one anime, and two animated TV shows. Little concrete progress has been made in any of those, mind you, but they’re still fun to discuss!

24. Would you say your writing has changed over time?

Absolutely. But I’ve been writing stories since I was five years old, so we would hope so, huh?

I wouldn’t say my writing’s changed completely, though maybe that’s just my insider’s perspective.

25. What part of writing is the most fun?

Oh gosh, I can’t believe you’d make me choose. Writing is just such a wonderful experience for me; I love just about everything to do with it. Admittedly, not all the time, but. Since that barely qualifies as an answer, however, I’ll give you this—

The endings. Not only that intense feeling of rightness when you wrap up that last sentence, but also the moments before. The adrenaline of knowing you’re almost there but you gotta push just a bit more to actually get there. And also the part right after—the real wrap-up, honestly: the revision and the editing. Heavens, I love revising and editing my work.

Which is not to say I don’t like writing it out for the first time, too—there’s nothing quite like seeing your cursor scroll to the next page, like going from a blank expanse to a Oh man, how many more lines are even going to fit on this page?, like watching that page counter tick up another number. However, there’s something cathartic about finally ironing out those problems I had to force myself to stop worrying about earlier because “just finish the first draft dangit”.

I guess that’s not really the end of the writing process, but whatever. Close enough (as fic writers are wont to say).

Another thank-you for these asks, and feel free to come back with more at any time! ;P

Send in fun meta asks for your friendly neighbourhood writer!

[writingforyourpleasure]

ON THE ROAD AGAIN

Characters: GERARD WAY x Reader

Author’s note: There’s some cursing but nothing too much to worry about. I’m considering doing a part 2 but I’m not sure yet. Tell me if you’ll be interested ?

Word Count: 2k225

1.    The name’s Y/N

You walk into the empty parking lot , looking back at your friend and bandmate Dex , who is just getting out of your tour bus. To say that you were nervous was the least, but you wanted to look cool and relax or else it would be extremely awkward . When your friend finally arrived beside you, you started walking towards the empty venue , quickly followed by the three crew member, Max your sound engineer ,Billy and Ames both your bus drivers and stage managers.

This morning , the air was chill and you were already cursing to yourself not to had dressed yourself warmer. You were just wearing a camo pant with a large white t-shirt and your leather jacket with your ranger’s boots. You lightened up a smoke hoping to get warmer at the nauseous smell, Dex threw you a disapproving glance .

The arena wasn’t open just yet, so you waited .

 “First time we’re gonna play in an arena huh?” asked Ames .

 Ames was Indian , had short black hair and dark eyes which he almost always narrowed looking pretty distant and angry , but as soon as you get to know him he was very kind and funny. He was pretty tall (6 feet tall) . He’s been around for three years now . Helping packing, and driving the bus , he was the one to introduce you to Billy, his roommate, one year ago. Ames was a sweetheart always willing to help , he truly was part of you band now.

 “Yeah pretty scary I have to admit . So scared I’m gonna screw up during the show.” Explained Dex fingering his blue hoodie nervously.

Dex was always pretty nervous about anything so it wasn’t a surprise to you. Dex drunked a lot of coffee , he hated any kind of smoke . You and Dex knew each other since you were 10 . You never were the one to discuss with people in elementary school ,always more attracted to drawing to something, than talk about a new Barbie with the girls of your class and boys were pricks so you preferred to be left alone , day dreaming alone. It’s not that you weren’t talkative and social , you were a lot in fact . But you didn’t find anyone worth having a discussion with . You though they were all kinda assholes to be honest . Than Dex arrived at your school they were from Ireland . Everyone in your class started to befriend them , but you were their best friend . In fact you even had a crush on them at the time. They were an explosion of colors and were pretty fun to be around , and most important, not an asshole . They confide you that they were non binary during the summer before the start of high school. Dex was short and almost just skin and flesh . with a flamboyant white hair and hazel eyes. Today they were wearing their favorite hoodie which was more a plaid than an hoodie to be honest, some vans and a destroyed red wine jean .

You took a long drag of your cigarette not wanting to participate in the discussion. You had already so much on your mind , you didn’t want to show it to the guys.

 “You screwing up ? Nah can’t happen men . Never had since I’m here at least .” Said Billy trying his best to reassure your bandmate , patting them on the right shoulder . Billy and Dex were best friends since he tagged along after one of our show back to one year ago. Billy was also Irish , but more like a ‘stereotypical’ Irish than Dex . He was more pale than the snow itself , had sweet freckles all over his face and body , you knew it because you couldn’t not remark the gentles dots all over his arms whenever he was packing your instrument in his metal merch T-shirt, he had long natural wave ginger hair, eyebrows and beard . He was much more massive than Ames who looked like a sixteen years old . He could be quite frightening when you jut looked at his appearance unlike Ames who looked like a cinnamon roll but had this angry vibe whenever he went , Billy on his side was the most kind and attentive guy you had ever met . Billy was tall, much more taller than anyone you knew.

 “It’s because you’re around since only 1 year mate !” Laughed Ames , making me smirk along .

 Max was listening without really doing it, more worried about freezing his ass off in the empty parking lot than to engage with the group. Max was an okay guy. Not one of the most talkative, except for when he had a drink or two. Max was from England just like you. He was quite pale too . He had brown straight hair , a little peach fuzz, couldn’t seemed to grow a bear . Max had little ring earrings and transparent olive glasses , he often wore grey beanies . He was pretty short and was the oldest of your little group. He was working for you since four years already, you knew him from this little bar where you used to perform at your debut .

As you were lost in your thoughts two other tour bus pulled up in the parking lot, soon followed by a third.

 “Ha ! Finally !” sighed Max.

 You took a long drag of your cigarette , eyeing closely for the crew to come out of it .

A large group of people were descending from it, laughing between them . They seemed a whole lot warmer than you, dressed appropriately in coats and beanies . They all looked older than the four of you, most of them probably stage manager and crew members.  A guy came up running to you, he looked older than the group of guys chatting in front of their buses and a little more ‘polished’ in way.

 “Hi! You must be Violent Gasoline ? I’m Damien, the tour manager. » The guy presented himself , extending his left hand.

 You gave a quick nod in agreement, your smoke still stuck between your lips. Max extended his own hand to the guy activating his ‘business mode’ on.

 “Nice to meet you in person Damien. My name’s Max I’m the sound engineer and I guess you could also say the tour manager. This is Billy and Ames , our stage crew and finally Dex and Y/N from Violent Gasoline!”

You jumped on your foots trying to warm up yourself , while everyone shook Damien’s hand. Yours were put away in your pant pockets too cold to even move .

 “So I have called the arena crew and they’re supposed to open the private gate any minute now.” Warned Damien , giving us an apologizing look . “I hope you didn’t wait for too long …”

“No, it’s okay mate .” Said Billy lying , not wanting to make him feel responsible of anything.

“By the way, those are our staff/crew members” told us Damien , pointing at the crew next to the buses. “The guys should be here in an hour they went to have breakfast, before starting the day. Did you had any?”

“Yeah just before we arrived , in the tour bus.” Smiled Dex . They did , you just had coffee .

 Than a guy dressed entirely in black from head to toe opened to us , you dumped your cigarette on the cold pavement , soon enough the crew joined you and you all went inside . You gladly welcomed the warmth of the space eating you up, relaxing a little. Dex seemed to have regained some colors on their side , while you felt comfortable enough to get your hands out of your pockets. As you were the one being here first you started soundcheck pretty early , adjusting lights and balance check . You placed yourself behind your drums as soon as Ames and Billy installed your kit. You were now playing since three hours and had removed two of your songs off your song list to replaced them by news songs from your next album in writing . Dex had some difficulties with the solo bass line from one of your new song .

 “Dex, you know what , just let’s not do this one . We’ll replace it with ‘Do ré mi’ as usual ”You shouted to your bandmate, referring to your Nirvana cover, you used to finish every gig with this one. “We’re almost done anyway.”

“Y/N , no way, I’m not-“ Dex started turning to look at you , before being cut in the middle of their sentence by a loud ‘bang’ from a door closing .

 Soon followed by loud chatting and laughter from a group of guys entering the venue from the left side in front of the stage. Quickly Damien arrived ruining up to them , hushing directly at them pointing the stage to them. Everything went silent.

 “Awkward…” You whispered to yourself as no one moved .

“Sorry , we didn’t mean to be rude .” Excused one of the guys with blond hair. They all went to sit in the arena crowd.

 You stand up from your kit , you went for your bottle of water. “ It’s okay, we were done anyway.” You took a sip at the bottle , before catching Dex looking frustrated over you not letting them redo his solo for the one hundred and fiftieth time of the day. They’ll get over it.

You left the stage , Dex jogging up to you trying to catch up their breath before proposing to grab a bite in your dressing-room for launch with Max, Ames and Billy . You were starving since you didn’t ate this morning. Billy and Ames had gone catch the rest of yesterday dinner in your bus which consisted to a pasta salad, with orange juice and clementines for dessert . Max was in the hallway talking on the phone with your label. Once you finished your plate you brought back to your bus the dishes and started cleaning it up, you were tired of your rehearsal so you went to your bunk to get some sleep setting your alarm to five pm and took a well deserved nap.

‘Prey for me’ from The fever 333 echoed into the room waking you up , you groan not really wanting to wake up from bed at this point. With a long sigh you stopped your phone from doing any more sounds, and got up. Once dressed you searched your leather jacket at the research of your pack of cigarettes.

 “Where the fu-“

“Here” Ames was handing to you your pack of cigarette looking as you had just woken him up from his own nap on your couch . You jumped , taken by surprised by his presence but soon regain posture reaching for your cigarettes. Ames often borrowed some of yours paying you back later on so you weren’t even surprised.

“Where are the guys ?” You asked before he got back to his nap .

“Still hanging out in your lodge .” He said before resting his face on the pillow he found and closing his eyes , almost already snoring .

 You got out welcomed by the cold from outside , winter was a pain in the ass. You reached for a cigarette before lightening it up and taking a long drag from it . By the time you crossed all the parking lot to the arena your smoke was long gone. Once inside you headed straight to your lodge. Before opening the door the room, you heard laughter coming from inside.

 “Hey guys, what’s the joke ?” You said opening the door with a smirk.

 Suddenly six eyes land on you. What was happening …? ‘Awkward’ you murmured yet again . On the red velvet sofa was seated three guys from earlier, on the couch next to them was slumped Billy, Dex and the blonde from earlier.

 “Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt guys !” you said trying to play it cool with a sly smirk on your face.

 “No haha don’t worry dude ! They’re My Chemical Romance!” Stated Billy lifting up his beer to prove his point . The blonde stood up welcoming you by kissing your cheeks .

“Hi my name’s Mikey ! I’m the bass player , nice to meet you!” You gave a nod

 “The name’s Y/N .” You said debating over whether to or not to kiss the other members. The browned haired boy with a lot of tattoos decided to help you out by lifting himself up to welcomed you.

“Hey , Frank. I’m the guitarist.” He said calmly handing out his hand for you to shake. Once done he returned on right side of the couch, while the guy on the left side got up to kiss both of your cheeks.

“Ray ! Also guitarist.” He had a sincere smile . Then the last one got up, he had dark hair, hazel eyes, red make up and was pretty pale.

“I’m Gerard , the lead singer” He said shaking your hand. You had to admit he was good looking, they all were to be honest.

[wholesome-ereri-week]

Wholesome Week Rules, Guidelines and the WINNING PROMPTS below!

Hello everyone, I would like to start with some guidelines.

•“Wholesome” does not mean no conflict.

•“Wholesome” does not mean only fluff. 

•“Wholesome” can be smut.

• “Wholesome” isn’t really calling someone a ‘little shit’ or a ‘shitty brat’. So, no degrading language, please. (Example: slut/slutty, bitch, bastard)

• You don’t have to do all of the prompts if you don’t want to

• You don’t have to do them in order

• Late submissions are welcome

Wholesome in our context just means “stories, arts, graphics and media where our two leading men love each other, don’t hurt the other intentionally, and just treat each other well and with love and adoration.”

Keep the resolutions happy and sweet. We want the bois to be happy. We want to showcase some good, healthy dynamics. No relationship is perfect. Communication can suck, but working together and having each other’s backs? That’s some good and wholesome content. Supporting your lover even if they can be a hot mess sometimes? That’s the good stuff. Levi and Eren can argue and be upset with each other but it gets resolved and yay! Happy day! 

Angst for angst’s sake? Please, keep it light. Conflict doesn’t have to mean angst. And angst doesn’t have to be your conflict. Everyone can feel that dread and anxiety but it doesn’t have to be everything. Sometimes a hug goes a long way. And remember, happy day at the end.

But please, keep it to non-violent conflict between the boys. Again, neither one of them should be purposely hitting or hurting each other. We wanna keep this light and sweet and positive.

If you want to go all fluff and puff? Do it. Enjoy yourself. 

Wholesome Smut? Sex is beautiful and an expression of love. So, yes, your smut can be ‘wholesome’! Two peens loving each other’s brains out with adoration and fluffy respect? Totally possible.

That being said, please keep to the more vanilla side of sex for this event. Do Levi or Eren nip and bite each other? Okay. Are we drawing blood? Not okay. Can vampires be wholesome? Yes. Just keep it as non-violent as possible. Are there hickeys and little hip bruises left over in that “Afterglow”? Okay. 

Are we slapping, hitting, or demeaning someone? Not today.

(Save that for Wholesome Week’s ‘My Kinky Valentine’ Event *wink*) 

SHIP DYNAMICS: 

Top Levi? Wholesome. Top Eren? Wholesome. Switching or no implied shipping dynamic? Equally as wholesome as the other two.

But due to preferences, we ask that you label your work as such:

•Day X: Grey Hair “The Pigeon of Peace” 

NSFW. Contains Switching.

•Day X: Mermaids “A hidden treasure” 

NSFW. Contains Top!Levi/Bottom!Eren

•Day X: Afterglow “From Jaeger, With Love”

NSFW. Contains Top!Eren/Bottom!Levi

•Day X: Wedding Day/Night “All Roads Led to You”

SFW. Contains no dynamics.

•Day X: The Perfect Gift “Root beer”

SFW. Contains Top!Levi

This way we can let people pick and choose content as they are comfortable with it. Although, I do ask that everyone considers reading, enjoying and digesting content that they may not usually give a chance. It’s a beautiful thing to try something new. And who knows? Maybe you make a few new friends or brighten up someone’s day.

Comments are encouraged. But again, let’s all respect different tastes and dynamics. Be nice in your comments. Not your favorite dynamics? Don’t say “I usually hate XXXX but yours is nice.” 

Why not try “The shading is beautiful! I love their expressions! The way you write is wonderful! I loved the story!”

This is a “Wholesome Week” and we should all do our best to treat each other with respect, civility and show that we support our fandom and the people in it. Think of your feedback as a hug via text. Hugs are good. And we have people just starting out and taking a huge leap of faith joining in. Let’s treat them with the love we would want to receive. If creators are scared, they don’t share.

Were you doing a gift for another member of our fandom? Great! Mention them in your summary. @ them so they can see your lovely gift! Knock out two birds with one stone. You’re totally welcome to do that. 

TRIGGER WARNINGS: 

Since this is a ‘wholesome event’ we won’t be dealing in violence or extreme kinks. Trigger warnings shouldn’t be necessary since we won’t need them for this event. Are you very set on a story that may have a trigger? Please message us here at ‘Wholesome Week’ and we can discuss it.

MY PROMPT DIDN’T WIN:

Have you considered… incorporating it into a prompt that did make it to the final seven? I’m rooting for grey hair. So hard. I want this so bad. You have NO idea. Let’s say it doesn’t win. But ‘Body Worship’ does. Who is to say you can’t lavish and get some good loving on your greyed out lover? Love is supposed to be for life, right? I could incorporate ‘grey hair’ into that while keeping “Body Worship” the main focus.

In fact, the prompts are meant to inspire. It doesn’t have to be 100% what your story is. Make it your own, make it unique.

Do a loosely related string of vignettes. Do a short, multi-chapter fic while incorporating a prompt into each chapter. Do one shots. Do singular pieces of art or graphics. Are you a drabble expert! Amazing. Wanna sing a song? Awesome! A short radio play! Dang, you are inventive, you sweet and beautiful human being you!

POSTING: 

On top of the above tagging, I ask that you mention the blog by name (wholesome-ereri-week) so we can find you and reblog your work to share it with all of fandom!

Please use the tags: “wholesomeereri2019” and “wholesome ereri week” to help others (including me and my royal ‘we’) find your posts and other people’s posts easier. 

Our new posting dates are: November 17, 2019 to November 23, 2019. We changed the dates so everyone can have enough time to participate without feeling super rushed. We will also take late submissions. But remember to send us a message with a link to your post so we don’t accidentally miss it.

AND NOW! For the final tally and our seven winners:

Day 01: Marriage/Domestic Life/Family Life/Kids (37 votes)

Day 02: Body Worship (36 votes)

Day 03: “Firsts” ex. Kiss, Hug, Date, holding hands, love making, etc (33 votes)

Day 04: Afterglow (26 votes)

Day 05: Grey Hair (24 votes)

Day 06: Thunderstorm (22 votes)

Day 07: Cuddling in general (21 votes)

Note: I had no hope that “Grey Hair” would make it to the final seven. I’m losing my mind. I’m just incredibly super happy and losing it inside. I don’t even know what I’m going to do. “The Pigeon of Peace” is a gag. I thought mermaids and thunderstorm would overtake it. Truly, a dark horse. And it feels like “Marriage/Domestic Life” has won by a near landslide with “Body Worship”. Both of these have been clear front runners but anything could have happened since yesterday. And afterglow made it too. Oh my gosh. So many good and wholesome prompts. I’m looking forward to see what everyone will do for “Firsts”. And the mixing and matching of prompts is going to be so amazing if anyone else does it. Thank you to everyone who voted and shared their opinion. And thank you so much for all the messages I received. And for the kind words I was sent. Thank you all very, very much.

[drlauralwalsh]

The Lusty World of Lesbian Widows

I’m really frustrated that COVID has gotten in the way of my grief achievements.  I figured 3 months in, I’d be doing the television talk show circuit, sold my book, and set up a non-profit foundation.  If only this pandemic hadn’t gotten in my way.

In my life before, if I spent too much time alone (like, over 4 hours), I’d start texting my sister-in-law that I was unsupervised and feral.  Uh oh.  I’d start going down rabbit holes and come up with weird stuff like how buff male kangaroos get.  Or questioning if my parents were really married since I couldn’t find a record of their union in the limited online databases. I could have paid for real records but I’m cheap.  I know, sounds crazy.  

But now, I’m alone for long stretches of time.  I’ve managed to channel some of this agitated energy into writing essays that speak to weirdos like me (shout out to my fellow weirdos!).  I spend hours researching (me-searching as we said in grad school) and discovering overachieving methods to dam the waters of my new spouse-less life.

I’m not just your average widow.  Oh no no no.  Of course, I have to be special so allow me to tack on some extra layers - lesbian, stepmom, and young (-ish, right?).  At 45, I have finally found a way to inch back towards the youth and relevance lost as you enter the fourth decade of life.  Today, I’d like to let you into the wonders of lesbianism.

I’m going to assume you’re not submerged in this subculture so I’ll tell you some secrets.  People are fascinated by lesbians.  To be fair, we live pretty mysterious lives.  We leave you hanging on profound questions like who takes out the trash and how do they have sex without a woody woodpecker? Sometimes, other communities get lumped in with us but they are actually quite different.  Of these witches, spinsters, and women who wear comfortable shoes, I only belong to only one of those so far.  I’m working on my stovetop skills and hope to someday conjure a penis.  Not a real one; that would be weird.

Amazon’s book market best represents the variable interests of our fan club members.  Right after my wife died, I launched a search for books on “lesbian widows.”  You’d think the algorithms would have pegged me by now (ha ha).  I was dismayed yet amused by the grand interpretation of what Amazon thought I meant.  The following is an unedited list of the top books recommended for me to purchase under these auspicious terms:

Lesbian Widows: Invisible Grief

by Victoria Whipple (Kindle $25.98, Paperback $46.95, Hardcover $907.71)

I’m impressed that the first one actually included my search terms but dang, it’s expensive to be a lesbian widow.  To be fair, you can rent it for $9.21 a month.  It’s also terribly niche within an already  small niche - invisible lesbian widows?  Published in 2014, you’d think it would be a little more hip.  Maybe it’s because I live in Chicago but even as an introvert, I’m decently visible.  Still, glad it exists and appeals to all eight people who each gave it a 5-star rating.

The Care and Feeding of Waspish Widows: Feminine Pursuits

by Olivia Waite (Kindle $3.99, Paperback $6.99)

I must quote the basic plot description for you to get the full impact of this novel: “The last thing the widow wants is to be the victim of a thousand bees. But when a beautiful beekeeper arrives to take care of the pests, Agatha may be in danger of being stung by something far more dangerous…”  The cover depicts said wapish widow sit/leaning against her handsome, pants suit-clad beekeeper.  At the much less expensive price for kindle and paperback, I’m only slightly put off by labeling bees as pests.

Odd women?: Spinsters, lesbians and widows in British women's fiction, 1850s–1930s

by Emma Liggins (Kindle $73.24, Hardcover $95.00)

The period is a little off but at least it includes diverse, international women.  I was looking for a self help book but this seems slightly more academic.  Not sure why there’s a question mark in the title as there’s no question about our oddity.  The description reads, “Women outside heterosexual marriage in this period were seen as abnormal, superfluous, incomplete and threatening, yet were also hailed as ‘women of the future’.”  Aw shucks, I *am* ahead of my time.  Dang that price tag!  No renting option for this one.

The Grass Widow

by Nanci Little (Kindle $0.00, Paperback $14.95)

It’s unclear where we’ll find the lesbian widow in this 2010 novel but the description yields some mild foreshadowing: “As a familiar civilization fades into the distance, she is nineteen, unmarried and pregnant, and has no reason to think that the year 1876 won't be her last...Joss, in her brother's clothes and severely lacking in social graces, has no time to mollycoddle a pampered, pregnant New England lady. It's work or starve, literally. There are no servants, no laborers - just a failing farm, impending winter and the two of them to face it together.”  It sounds like the shameless Joss needs her own dose of mollycoddling (wink, wink) to get through the chilly nights.

Her Widow

by Joan Alden (Paperback $18.00)

More popular with 10 people giving it an almost stellar rating, this tomb’s immodest summary insists it belongs on every bookshelf.  YOU WILL PAY ATTENTION TO US!  That’s how I read it.  Seriously, of all the books this one comes the closest to what I actually wanted.  Waiting for the kindle unlimited edition….(having no man money makes us frugal).

Made For You 3

by K. Shantel (Kindle $4.99)

Apparently, Made For You 1 and 2 were not as popular. Despite the fair price, this tale omits widows opting for the groundbreaking combination of lesbian romance and football.  While tragedy surely threads through this plot, it falls short of crossing the threshold from football to death (it probably does).  Shocker, I defy the sporty lesbian trope and instead prefer to spend time among my vast, treasured collection of power tools.  Just to be clear, I mean the ones for home repair (get your mind out of the gutter!)  If the lady protagonists of this book had been thrown together building a Habitat for Humanity house with their 10 dogs using only their Subaru to transport lumber, I might be more captivated.

The Lady's Guide to Celestial Mechanics, Book 1 of 1: Feminine Pursuits Series

by Olivia Waite (Kindle $3.99, Paperback $6.99)

I’ll give the author the benefit of believing there are more to come in the series. The title of this one intrigues me (I may steal it later) but sadly, it also defaults to worn stereotypes.  This collection of lesbian tropes finds my kin scoring yet another toaster for the conversion of a hapless straight lady.  Lesbians for the win!  Lady Reads-A-Lot gave it 5 stars and commented, “This was poetic and lovely, full of beautiful descriptions that knew exactly how to leave you breathless and then stop just before tipping into tedious.”  I’m guessing she means the sex scenes?  If you’ve ever watched any real lesbian porn, you know that it’s far better for the participants than the viewers.

Erotica: The Forbidden Adventures Of A Grieving Widow (Seduction, Lust, Lesbian Sex, Interracial Sex, Bondage and More)

by Amy King (Kindle $0.00)

This one is hands down, my favorite title and you can’t beat the price.  The author keeps the marketing short to sell you her novel: “All Ava wanted was to erase the memory of her recently departed husband. Little did she know that in trying to do so, she would experience mind-blowing adventures and lust across the globe. Ava would never be the same again as she ravenously eats up whatever adventure blows her way.”  Even though it’s another toaster novel, as a grieving widow ‘ravenously eats up’ does resonate.  I don’t think she means jars of cookie butter.

Of the eight masterpieces on the list, five are romance novels, one is academic, and two are in the ballpark (excuse the sports metaphor).  Scrolling further only yields more erotica including another novel titled, “Football Widows (lesbian)” by Amanda Mann and Deadlier Than the Male Publications.  Now I get it that we make up a small percentage of the population but this is some seriously messed up shit.  

Removing the lesbian and searching only for ‘widow’ yields twenty pages of books. I know what you’re thinking - “C’mon Laura, what’s the big deal?  Just get the standard widow book.”  And believe me, I’ve amassed quite the collection and am waiting for just the right intersection of not too devastated but ready to sob.  Bear with me for a sec - think about how we just want to be seen when we’re at our lowest.  When I first typed those words into the search bar, I just wanted something that used wife instead of husband.  

Every grief has specific salient elements and it’s too super niche to touch on all at the same time.  It would be weird and/or maybe nice to find another lesbian widow stepmom psychologist who lost her cop wife of almost 5 years to a PTSD-induced psychotic break and suicide.  That’s a Subaru full of identities.  If this person did exist, I’d be suspicious we’re the target on Incel trolls, longing to read the words of more seductive, witchy lesbians.  Instead, I plan on taking the high road.  I’ll get my knowledge and support from those who accept me by the category.  Obviously, one out of one lezzies agree there’s a market for lesbian widow self help guides - at the right price.  I may still write that book but if I want to get rich, I’ll definitely have to add more sex scenes.

[soundsof71]

Hal Blaine: “May he rest forever on 2 and 4.”

That quote is from his family’s Facebook posting, announcing Hal Blaine’s passing at age 90.

He played on 40 #1 singles, 150 top 10s, some 6000+ tracks in all. (You’ll see stats that say north of 30,000 but don’t believe the hype. All these guys were union and kept their timecards. When Hal says more than 6000, he knew what he was talking about.)

Hal was the drummer on six straight Grammy Record of the Year winners, 1966 through 1971: 

“A Taste of Honey”, Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass

“Strangers In The Night”, Frank Sinatra

“Up, Up, and Away”,  The Fifth Dimension

“Mrs. Robinson”, Simon & Garfunkel

“Aquarius/Let The Sunshine In”, The Fifth Dimension

“Bridge Over Troubled Water”, Simon & Garfunkel

Plus if it was a studio recording by The Byrds, The Beach Boys, Simon & Garfunkel, Sonny & Cher, Carpenters, The Association, The Fifth Dimension, or The Partridge Family, the odds are that it was probably Hal. 

You don’t need me to cue up Hal’s biggest hits like the ones listed above, or “Be My Baby”, “Good Vibrations” (Hal seen below working on it with Brian Wilson)...

...so I’m going to take you to the first song that made me say, “WHO’S PLAYING  THOSE DRUMS?!?!” The song was a deceptively complicated pop trifle called “Dizzy” by Tommy Roe, and it spent four weeks at #1, starting on March 15, 1969 (50 years ago almost to the day as I write this). 

I say deceptively complicated because even though it’s basically two verses and the chorus three times (it actually starts with the chorus, which I’m a sucker for.) There’s not even a bridge, but it manages to go through 11 key changes in less than three minutes! And while there are other instruments, I always heard it as a duet between the drums and the strings. 

You already know it was Hal Blaine on strings, and the string arranger was another member of the extended family known at the time as The Usuals, Jimmie Haskell. I was delighted to find this, as both Hal and Jimmie were well known to me from so many other albums in the family collection by then. (I was reading album credits before I was reading books.) 

This really is an astonishing track. Bubblegum pop on one level, exceptionally baroque on another, and a drums-strings pas de deux the likes of which we’ve yet to hear again. I used to listen to this on repeat for hours, singing at the top of my lungs -- including the drum breaks and strings stings (c’mon, you know you sing instrumental parts too!) spinning around and around the room until I was DIZZY. 

Check Hal’s snare kicking it off like a gunshot.

I have a couple of other gems of Hal’s that are a little off the beaten path.

I hope that y’all are enough in the know by now to not be pissing on The Partridge Family, who was making absolutely first-rate pop composed by some of the best writers of the day, with pros like Hal Blaine laying down the tracks. 

(Plus, c’mon, David Cassidy would have been a singing star without the show,  and Shirley Jones WAS a star, an Oscar-winner no less, with one of the great voices that humankind has ever been blessed with.)

“I Can Hear Your Heartbeat” uses Hal’s right foot on the bass pedal as the titular heartbeat, until the whole kit comes swinging in after the first verse. One of the keys to appreciating Hal (or any drummer, really) is to listen to when he starts and stops, and the gaps in between what his hands are doing. This one is a real gem. 

(And yes, there’s performance footage of the Partridges of course, but none of the clips SOUND good enough to hear all that Hal is up to.)

Now having sung Hal’s praises, I’ll note again that it’s possible to overstate the case (which Hal encouraged, and participated in more than once). There were plenty of other drummers on the Hollywood studio scene, including Earl Palmer (very likely on more records than Hal in fact), plus a number of times that Hal was one of a couple of drummers on a single track.

This was a Phil Spector trick. Multiple drums, multiple bassists (often one electric and one acoustic), and an army of guitars all playing at once were the key to the Wall of Sound, NOT multitracking. Sure, Phil used that too now and again, but rarely to add depth. More often for polishing, because there’s no substitute for the vibrations in the air when all those players are playing simultaneously. THAT’s the Wall of Sound, and Hal and his friends are the exact musicians Phil used.

Mike Nesmith used this "Wall of Sound” trick to fine effect when he produced one of the best tracks he wrote for The Monkees, “Mary Mary”, so sharp that it appeared in FIVE episodes, yet still manages to be too little known.

“Mary Mary” features FIVE guitarists (Glen Cambell and James Burton both on lead, with Peter Tork among the rhythm players), two bassists (Larry Knechtel and Bob West), and two drummers (Hal Blaine and Jim Gordon, whose name may also be familiar to you from Derek & The Dominoes, George Harrison, Delaney & Bonnnie,  et al.), with notable percussive support from Cary Coleman.

This is definitely Hal kicking it off, though, with a snare lick so sweet that Mike looped it three times and added it to the front of the track, making it that much easier to sample, and sampled it was, including on a nifty COVER of this track by Run-D.M.C. (even though they changed Mike’s lyric on the verses, Mike is the only writer credited) that also used Mickey’s vocal singing the words “Mary Mary”.

I should mention that The Monkees’ version of “Mary Mary” was never released as a single in the US, but WAS included as a cardboard cutout single on the back of Honey Combs cereal!!!! Yes, I had it, though, like a fool, I failed to keep  up with it.

Anyway, this is GROOVE, kids.

Last but not least, Elvis Presley’s “A Little Less Conversation” (1968) was so far ahead of its time that it STILL sounds like it’s from the future. Originally recorded early in the year, it was re-recorded for the famed Elvis ‘68 TV special, but scrapped at the last minute. (Hal did in fact appear in the special!) The second version of "A Little Less Conversation” was used to outstanding effect in the 2001 version of Ocean’s Eleven, and a subsequent remix by Junkie XL charted even higher than Elvis’s original, going to #1 in 14 countries including the UK.

And all of ‘em featured Hal’s drums, absolutely swinging.

You’ve surely seen Hal’s name by now in the context of “The Wrecking Crew”, a name that he invented well after the era had finished to describe this loose group of LA studio aces. It was not only NOT used at the time, but explicitly and angrily rejected by many of the folks tagged with that label later (Leon Russell was so furious at the name that he insisted that the chapter of the movie devoted to him be removed, and he’s far from alone in his outrage)...but hey, as long as you keep that in mind, you can still enjoy the documentary of the same name for what it is: a long conversation between some of the folks who made some remarkable music.

You probably know the song “A Little Less Conversation” well enough (although you should check it out if you don’t), but in this little clip from the aforementioned Wrecking Crew movie, you can see 2008 Hal playing along with 1968 Hal for 30 seconds or so.

Watch his right hand in particular. It’s practically floating on air. He’s holding the drumstick so lightly that I bet you could have snuck up behind him and snatched it right out of his hand. Not that 70s rock drummers like Bonzo couldn’t swing plenty, but the death grip on drumsticks as heavy as telephone poles characteristic of later drumming is barely even the same thing as what Hal was doing.

I’m not saying one is better than the other -- I hope you know by now that I love light 60s pop every bit as much as heavy 70s rock -- but this clip tells you everything you need to know about why drummers in particular revere Hal as one of the greats...even if he pissed them off sometimes, too. 

Additional notes: the photo, the quote and some of the stats at the top are courtesy redef,  the picture of Hal with Brian Wilson is via forums.stevehoffman.tv, and the single of “Mary Mary” is via 45cat. The rest is from yewchewb, and me obsessively reading the back of albums since 1963.

Here’s a great list of highlights from Hal’s credits. You’re going to be flabbergasted by them. If you have any kind of record collection that dips into the 60s at all, you may have dozens of them.

And while most of Hal’s key work was in the 60s, he did in fact have a terrific 1971, with appearances on two albums each by The Partridge Family (including one of my favorite singles of theirs, “Echo Valley 2-6809″) and Barbra Streisand (Stoney End is one of my favorites by anyone that year), Carpenters (featuring “Rainy Days and Mondays”), and a good-sized handful more.

[jessicasimpsonsource]

Bio Of Jessica

Hundreds of hopefuls make their way to Nashville every year, looking to stake their own claim to fame in country music. Some arrive with nothing more than a guitar and lyric-filled notebook under their arm, everything they own packed in the bed of a rundown truck. Some, discovered in a honky-tonk or roadhouse in their home town, ride in on the promise of a publishing deal or recording contract, visions of gold records and tricked-out tour busses dancing in their heads.

Very few however arrive in Music City with as much baggage as Jessica Simpson. Not since 1970 when Hank Williams, Jr. signed the biggest recording contract in MGM history has so much doubt and criticism faced a young artist. Unlike Williams who was burdened by the ghost of his legendary father, the shadow Simpson is trying to escape is largely her own. Preconceptions based on her tremendously successful career as a pop singer, a brief marriage on display in a reality program, the subsequent post-marital tumult, headline generating relationships and awkward professional stumbles have woven a tapestry of misconceptions around her.

Early Life + Career

The news last year that Simpson planned to come to Nashville to make a country record was met with a resounding scoff by a chorus of naysayers, many of them members of the very industry she was hoping to join. And that was the polite response.

The quietest voice amid all the din has been that of Jessica Simpson herself. But with the release of Do You Know, her first album on Epic/Columbia Nashville, the doe-eyed Texas beauty makes it perfectly clear she not only has a voice, but a point of view colored by life experience beyond her years, and plenty to say. She hopes to not only quiet her critics, but give the country music industry and audience something else to talk about—her undeniable talent and gift as a country singer/songwriter.

“There is a perception of who I am out there that has little to do with me,” she says quietly but with conviction. “I appreciate the fact that there are skeptics out there, that people may be doubtful and may not trust this effort. But what I want people to know and understand is I don’t have one foot in pop and one foot in country. I have made the commitment to country music. I look forward to reviews, no matter what they are. I look at it as constructive criticism. If anything, it just pushes me to do better the next time.”

Simpson has been pushing herself her entire life, frequently through devastating disappointment and heartbreak. While it is clichéd to tag failure as the starting point for success, the public would be surprised to know how many times the girl who seems to have it all was left empty-handed. Through it all, her family and faith have provided a rock solid base from which she draws strength and inspiration.

Like many country singers, her first musical exposure and singing experience was in church. “My father was a minister and evangelist, so growing up, I was surrounded by gospel music. Living in Texas, we also had a lot of country music. In our home, there were records by Patsy Cline and Willie Nelson, and records by CeCe Winans and Amy Grant. When I was little, I would sing at the places where my dad spoke, we were a duo!”

As time went on, she found herself seeking the spotlight. “As I got older, I started to feel like I didn’t want to be in the choir, I wanted to sing louder than everyone else. If I was in a musical, I hogged the microphone!”

Her early focus was on dance and she was on the competition circuit, which also included vocal contests. When her dance instructor noticed that her pupil had an affinity for singing, she encouraged her to enter a competition, and in her first stab at it, she won. When word came of a chance to audition for the new Mickey Mouse Club, the 12-year-old jumped at it. “I did a dance to ‘Ice Ice Baby’ and an a cappella version of ‘Amazing Grace.’ There were 50,000 kids who auditioned and I got to go to Florida with the final eight.”

She was crushed when she received a letter from Disney saying she hadn’t made it, particularly when so many people she knew did: Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Justin Timberlake, Ryan Gosling and Keri Russell. “My mom told me not to worry, that I would see those kids again somewhere down the road. Even though I didn’t make the show, I think it was then that my parents realized maybe they weren’t being just proud parents, that maybe there was something there within me.”

Not long afterwards, Simpson was invited to contribute to an album recorded with a gospel choir in New Jersey, which led to recording her first solo album—also gospel, in Nashville. Like her Mickey Mouse Club rejection, it was another setback for the 15-year-old. “I was telling my friends and people at my school that I was making a record that would be on the radio. But the label folded right before the record was to be pressed. When you’re that young and someone promises you something, you believe them. I was so disappointed.”

Her grandmother ended up paying for the record to be pressed, and the Simpsons sold it as they toured the Christian music circuit. It was one of those recordings that eventually caught the ear of mega music biz mogul Tommy Mottola who signed her to a pop music deal with Columbia Records and released her label debut, Sweet Kisses, in 1999.

Fast forward through a lightning-fast rise to the top of the pop charts: double-platinum certification for Sweet Kisses, its breakthrough hit “I Wanna Love You Forever”; the 2002 follow-up CD Irresistible which crossed over to four different charts.

It was in making her third album that she was first introduced to the Nashville songwriting community. “I wanted to do some writing for the record and my A&R person at the time pointed me to Nashville, where some of her favorite writers were. I loved it, but the label thought what I was writing with them was too country, and they had signed me to sing pop. I would listen to those demos over the years and knew I would go back to Nashville one day.”

But meanwhile, the whirlwind of her increasingly successful professional life and increasingly public personal life took on a virtual life of its own, with the line between the two becoming nearly indistinguishable. Almost simultaneous with the release of In This Skin in 2003 was the launch of the massively successful reality show documenting every moment of her marriage to new husband Nick Lachey, Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica. Though the program—which ran for 41 episodes until March 30, 2005—ratcheted up both album sales and Simpson’s star quotient, it also contributed to the public’s perception of the blonde bombshell as ditzy and dimwitted, an assessment that family and friends knew to be inaccurate and hurtful.

Far more hurtful was the unhappiness within the marriage that led to its disintegration and very public dissolution. It was during that period that the label was pressing her to make and release another record. Barely two months after her divorce was finalized on June 30, 2006, A Public Affair was released. “It was incredibly hard to promote that record. I wasn’t in a place where I could be honest, and I wasn’t able to be strong enough for the world.”

Though it would be a year before Joe Simpson told People magazine that his daughter was thinking of “returning to her roots” and recording a country record, the journey back to Nashville had begun well before that.

“I took the long way around to get back to where I came from,” she says. “Back where I belong. I think to be able to sing country music honestly, you have to experience life. There is so much honesty in the music, and if you are not honest, the fans will know it. Fans are the absolute lifeblood of country music, and they won’t respond to you unless they believe you.”

The first step was believing in herself and trusting her co-writers. She went to Nashville in 2007 to begin. “The process started with sitting down with these amazing songwriters and forcing myself to be vulnerable. I was so paranoid at the time, so overwhelmed by the tabloids. I wasn’t even living my own life. The first time I sat down to write was with Brett James and Hillary Lindsey. I write things in my Blackberry, and I was telling them some of my thoughts and ideas and they were writing them down. They were respectful of what I was sharing. At that moment, it felt right. I knew that we were partners and I didn’t have to be afraid that they would pick up the phone, call the tabloids and say, ‘Guess what Jessica Simpson is going through?’ I shared so much with my writers. They know me so well now; they know my sadness and my joy, my hurt and my happiness, my disappointments and my hopes. They are some of my closest friends.

“In order to do this record, I had to be vulnerable and I had to trust. After writing sessions, Cacee [Cobb, who did A&R for album] and I would go back to the house we were renting and I would be so emotionally drained. Writing sessions were like therapy. It was hard to go through, but afterwards, you’ve let it go, and you feel so much lighter. The weight of denial is very hard to live with. Writing this record was so freeing to me.”

If the writing—which resulted in her name on eight of eleven cuts—was freeing, the time spent in studios with producers Brett James and John Shanks recording those songs was exhilarating.

“The first day in the studio we cut three songs: ‘Come On Over,’ ‘Might As Well Be Making Love’ and ‘Sipping On History.’ I had been living with the demos for so long, it just happened. With music, when it’s right, it happens so quickly and so easily. It felt so good! I felt like I was back to who I really am.”

Perhaps the last song cut for the record was the most meaningful to Simpson, representing a remarkable gift of grace and redemption from one of her most humiliating public moments. In December 2006, while participating in a tribute to one of her all-time idols Dolly Parton at the Kennedy Center Awards, Simpson botched the lyrics to the song, in front of an audience that included President Bush, and of course Parton herself. “I should never have been on that stage at that time. I had gone through a break-up the night before and I had not been on stage in a year and a half. My heart was there, and I so much wanted to honor Dolly. But my mind was not with it. That night was really the lowest of the low. I apologized to Dolly and she was so kind to me. She said, ‘I wrote the song and I forget the words! Don’t you worry about it.’ In the months after, she would send me little notes of encouragement; she reminded me that we are who we are born to be. She took me under her wing and brought me to another level of faith.

“When we were recording this record I knew I wanted one of her songs. She gave me a batch of 12 songs to listen to, then called and said she didn’t think any of them were right and was sending over some more. ‘Do You Know’ was the first song of that bunch and I knew it was right. I loved it. We cut it and sent it to her and she was so supportive and flattering. Then she offered to sing on it and ‘Dollyize it.’ I just couldn’t believe it. Our voices blended so well together. Listening to that song now just makes me smile. The experience at the Kennedy Center ended up being one of the best things that ever happened to me.”

After a lengthy absence, Simpson is back where she feels happy and comfortable, on stage in front of a live audience. Each performance, she previews each of the songs with a story, sharing with the audience the truth behind the song. “It’s like a live listening party every night. What is so great about this record and these songs is that I don’t have to embellish them. They don’t need a pyro display to get the point across and I don’t have to learn a bunch of choreography. I can just get up there and sing my music, and the songs speak for themselves.

“Coming to Nashville and to country music was both a test and a leap of faith for me. But in this place of honesty and trust and hope, I’ve discovered so many things I left behind along the way. I’ve come back to who I was growing up. I believe if you follow your heart and be quiet, you will find the answers, you will find yourself. I found myself in this record. ‘Do You Know’ is a song and a metaphor for my life right now. Do you know who I really am?”

With the release of Do You Know, the world will receive the most honest understanding yet of who Jessica Simpson really is.

[twotwinks]

benthan for 001, and benji for 002

I hope you realize what you’ve unleashed here- It’s so ungodly long that I’m adding a cut to save your dashes.

001 | Benthan

When I Started Shipping Them

So I went back through my posts because I very vividly remember when I realized I’d fallen for this ship. I first mentioned that I might have started shipping them in the tags of a post on September 15, 2018, and after I acknowledged it, I was sold on it. So I’ve shipped these precious soft boys for just a little shy of two months!

My Thoughts

This is so vague and mean, I don’t even know where to begin… I just… I love them a lot. I don’t think I’ve ever really felt this strongly for a ship before. I mean, I’ve had OTPs before, but never an OTP that actively made me want to rip my heart out because I just can’t handle the emotions it causes, positive or negative. It’s also the first ship I’ve ever written fic for, and it honestly just feels so natural, it’s so easy to write romantic stuff for them and virtually impossible to write something platonic. Plus, without this ship, I never would’ve made any tumblr friends. I’d still just be sitting on the outskirts, randomly reblogging stuff and trying desperately to come up with decent content for my fandom blog. Now I know Ruth and Cassidy and Stanislas and everybody else, and I have so much fun seeing everyone’s posts and participating when I’m brave enough (even though I still sometimes wonder if I fit in, and even if I don’t, I’m just grateful everyone still plays along with me) and honestly it’s one of the brightest parts of my life right now. I see a note or a message or someone tags me in something and sometimes it makes me want to cry because people are thinking about me. So I love this ship even more for that.

What Makes Me Happy About Them

There’s just so much. There’s so much to be happy about them. I love the way they smile at each other. I love how loyal they are to each other. I feel like they fit the “I’d follow you to the ends of the earth with only mild complaining” better than anyone else, because they would, they’d do anything for each other. And even if you look at their relationship as platonic, that’s an incredibly strong friendship, and it just warms my heart.

What Makes Me Sad About Them

The fact that one day one of them is probably going to end up dying trying to save the other one. I’d really like for them to leave fieldwork so they can live happy and safe together for the rest of their days, but I know that Ethan would never be able to live like that. Fallout told us that much. And you can bet that as long as Ethan is in the field, Benji’s going to be right by his side.

Things Done in Fanfic that Annoy Me

I dunno, really. Most of the Benthan fic we’ve got is pretty solid. Some of the smut’s a little weak, but I only occasionally venture there, so it’s not too big of a deal. One thing that does sometimes bug me, even though it’s literally the most nonsensical and ridiculous thing to be bothered by, is when they’re referred to as boyfriends or use terms of endearment on each other. I have no idea why it bothers me, it’s such a perfectly reasonable thing!!! I guess maybe I feel like they’ve just been friends with each other for so long and they know each other so well that they wouldn’t bother labeling it. At the end of the day, they’re still just Ethan and Benji, just like they’ve always been. I don’t know. I know it’s stupid, but it can still sometimes throw off the whole vibe of the fic for me. Which is ridiculous. I’m ridiculous.

Things I Look for in Fanfic

Good characterization. That’s such a big thing for me, especially now that Ethan and Benji have been my daydreaming muses for so long now. Their voices are so strong in my head, especially Benji’s. So a fic has to have really good characterization for me to love it. I also really like reading (and writing!) anything that deals with Benji’s trauma and hurt/comfort with Benji as the victim. He just deserves to be taken care of. Poor guy’s earned a hug or ten.

Who I’d be Comfortable Them Ending Up With, If Not Each Other

I suppose I’d be okay if Ethan and Ilsa ended up together. I really don’t want Ilsa to be demoted to the love interest, though. She’s such a good character, and Fallout already did her so dirty. But she’s the only other person I could see Ethan having a chance of being happy with. As for Benji, well… I think I’d just prefer him to stay a Single Pringle. If Ethan (or I!) can’t have him, no one can! I know Benji/Brandt is also a pretty popular ship, but it’s honestly just not my cup of tea. I can’t see it (or maybe I’m just too blinded by shipping Benthan so strongly).

My Happily Ever After for Them

Preferably for them to never ever set foot in the field again and buy a little house together where they host cozy holiday dinners and snuggle together on the couch after long days of training new agents and teaching them about the importance of the team dynamic. But, as I explained earlier, that’s unrealistic for these two. So, if they must remain in fieldwork, I pray that either they both manage to last long enough that they’re forced to retire (and then Benji will have to help Ethan cope with not being able to prevent bad things, so not exactly ideal) or that they both die together in the field, at the same time, so that neither of them will have to live with the guilt of losing the other (again, not ideal because then they’ll be DEAD).

Who is the Big Spoon/Little Spoon

Benji is the little spoon I don’t care if he’s taller I WILL FIGHT YOU ON THIS. Benji likes being held. It makes him feel safe after all he’s been through. Grounds him, you know? Gives him a sense of security. And Ethan likes holding Benji, because he knows that no one can hurt Benji when he’s there in Ethan’s arms, and even if Benji has nightmares, Ethan’s already right there to help him.

What is Their Favorite Non-sexual Activity

They are cuddlebugs. They snuggle everywhere, every chance they get. I don’t know if cuddling counts as an activity, though. I think they also like reading to each other. While cuddling. Because I can’t imagine a scenario where they could reasonably be in physical contact and yet wouldn’t be. So yeah. They like to cuddle.

002 | Benji

How I Feel About This Character

I… I love him. So much. Probably more than I should. Rogue Nation was the first M:I movie I saw, and I’d been kinda passively watching it until the high speed chase scene. I’d looked up from my crochet enough to notice Simon Pegg (who, at the time, was still just Scotty to me – can you believe that???), but then he started screaming during the chase, and I started paying attention, because hey, that’s exactly what I’d probably do in that situation, I like this guy. And then by the end of it Benji owned my heart, because Simon Pegg is a phenomenal actor and made me feel all of the emotions when Benji was strapped to the bomb. Mostly because Simon’s eyes are incredibly expressive, something I first noticed towards the end of Star Trek Into Darkness and still notice in most of his films. Then I went back and watched all the films, and I made small involuntary happy noises when he showed up in M:I:III. And he was so cute in Ghost Protocol. I nearly had a breakdown in the theater towards the end of Fallout (you know when I mean!) because I’m so attached to him. I actually legitimately said “Oh thank god” in the theater when it all worked out. I might have even cried a little. I was so worked up that I didn’t even fall for the bait-and-switch at the end. I didn’t have the emotional capacity to even process it as a possibility. So yeah, I think I’m unhealthily obsessed with Benji Dunn.

All the People I Ship Romantically with This Character

Ethan. It’s literally just Ethan. Ethan or bust.

My Non-romantic OTP for This Character

Benji and Ilsa are bros. Fire-forged friends. They’ve both gone against each other once or twice, but now they know where their loyalties lie, and they’ll help each other out when they need it. Total bros.

My Unpopular Opinion About This Character

I don’t know if I have one, really. Although I always kinda imagined Benji as a really good baker, or that he at least enjoys baking in his free time, but then I discovered that apparently a lot of people headcanon him as an awful cook? So maybe that’s one.

One Thing I Wish Would Happen/Had Happened with This Character in Canon

I just want his trauma to be addressed. He tries to talk about it in Ghost Protocol, and Jane and Ethan both look kinda worried, but then Brandt just jumps in and SHUTS HIM DOWN, and nothing more is said about it. And he’s been through much worse since then. Even if it’s just a simple, “Hey, you okay?” from LITERALLY ANYBODY. I’d take it. (I’d prefer it even more if Benji got a hug out of the deal. He needs a hug, poor baby.)

My OTP

Benthan. In case you haven’t figured it out by now.

My Crossover Ship

I have never actually considered this. And I’m not sure I will. I’m just so invested in Benthan, I don’t think I have the capacity to ship Benji with anybody else. I can’t even think of anyone he’d click so well with. (I’ve always been bad at the crackship thing anyway.) Maybe a lone Nick Frost character somewhere. Those always make for good ships, right?

A Headcanon Fact

Hmm… I’m really bad at this stuff, aren’t I? I either give away my answers way ahead of time or can’t come up with anything. Well, outside of Benji being a baker and my fun-to-think-about idea that all Simon Pegg characters are actually related to each other, I usually headcanon Benji as a pretty panicky sort. When I write his internal monologues, I usually get going with these long, looping, drawn-out sentences that all circle back and compound on each other and just make everything so much worse for him. He’s a worst-case-scenario kind of person. Even when things work out, he drives himself mad constantly running through the what-ifs. That’s probably me just projecting onto him a little, but I feel like it’s worked out okay in the few fics I’ve written. I also headcanon that he’s a big-time stargazer, especially when he feels overwhelmed, something that I originally chucked into a fic because I needed something for Benji to do (and also as a I’m-probably-the-only-one-who-got-it nod to Star Trek) but now I firmly stand by it as something he does.

There. That’s that. I started this two hours ago. I probably should’ve been in bed an hour and a half ago. This is ridiculously long. I hope someone finds my obsessive ramblings enjoyable instead of just irritating.

Thank you for giving me the chance to gush like this, Ruth! It feels like I never get to talk about the things I love often enough. At least not to people who actually want to hear me gush about them!

[omgnsfwisnsfw-blog]

Intimacy

Mod J Says: The game played by NSFW in this piece is real! If you want to try it with your friends and/or loved ones, check it out here- www.intimacygame.com You can buy a full version with box, instructions, linen stock decks, and notepad, or a less fancy but certainly functional print-it-yourself version if you want to give the game a try on a budget. Also, while there’s nothing explicit in this piece, some very heavy subjects of abuse and assault, in several senses of those words, are discussed. Reader discretion advised.

“Hey, Church. You wanna play a game with me?” Mike’s slightly shy expression, the sheepish look that crept over their face, spoke alone that they weren’t talking about a pickup game of MarioKart. The two of them were at home- opting out of the go-home episode of Brawl before the years’ biggest show, they chose instead to watch their contenders be chosen without their active participation. Perhaps they’d be in St. Louis on Monday, perhaps not. But for the time being, they were here, John situated in his recliner with a copy of ‘Pride and Prejudice and Zombies’ that Mike had picked up for him some time ago, and Mike themself standing at the entryway wearing pajama pants with cute, boxy robots all over them, a plain white tank top, and bare feet, holding a small box with a picture of a close-looking pair of young women on it, bearing the title {Intimacy}. Their toes wiggled slightly on the carpet, a stand-in fidget for their occupied hands.

John looked up from the book briefly, seeing their expression.

“Okay.”

“This ain’t a normal game, really. I saw it on the internet and thought it’d be good. Y’know. For us.” Holding onto one edge of the coffee table in front of the couch, Mike moved it to the side, giving them ample floor space. They then sat down, cross-legged, and patted the floor, motioning for their partner to sit in front of them. Setting the box down, they opened it- inside were two decks of cards labeled ‘touch’ and ‘question’, a notepad, and a rulebook. They handed the latter to John. “Give that a quick look-over. If you don’t wanna do this after all, it’s ok.”     

John flipped through the rule book and what this game entailed. Almost audibly, his jaw set, his teeth grinding together as he noted the what cards contained. But he wasn’t unaware of him being an impediment - and he had vowed to figure out how to make this work. After all, it was just like tagging in and out of the ring, he told himself. He set the rulebook back down next to the box.

“I’m okay with this.”

“Okay. You change your mind at any time, let me know. I won’t be mad or disappointed.” Consent was paramount. Not only was it clearly stated in the game’s rulebook, but it was a rule that Mike themself had set forward from the moment their relationship began to get more physical than just kissing. It was something they observed and stuck to like cement, even if their progress had been a little slower than Mike may have liked- after all, Mike had good reason to put such emphasis on no meaning no. Somewhere way in the back of their mind, they had a feeling John did as well. The two of them agreed Mike should play the active role of initiating touch and questions. Taking a breath, they drew one of the orange-tinted cards marked ‘Touch’, reading the directed action aloud. “Gently rub your partner’s fingers with your own.” It was a harmless enough start. Mike looked up. “Can I do that?” John let loose a small puff of air he wasn’t aware he was even holding, and nodded, holding his hand out. Mike maintained eye contact as they placed their fingertips on top of his, tracing down to just the beginning of his palm then back up again. They broke their gaze just long enough to read the teal colored ‘Question’ card they drew with their other hand. “Do you think it’s possible to be intimate without physical contact?”

He looked Mike direct in the eyes as they touched his fingers lightly.

“Yes.”

His response was blunt, but it was honest. He didn’t pull away from Mike’s touch but he made it clear with the softening of his disposition that he believed that everything else around all of this was just as intimate. “Mmm, I agree. I mean, even when we’re not doin’ anything? Like, just occupying the same space? I dunno if this makes sense but I don’t think I’d… like to occupy fuckin’ space in the same way with anybody else.” It was so odd, but it was the truth. There was a certain peace between them, even when things weren’t peaceful at all. A safety of presence. The way their eyes caught, even briefly. A smile that wasn’t the same for anybody else.

“Makes us a good team.” “The best team. With or without the belts that say so.” Their fingers lingered for a moment at the cusp of his palm before pulling upward just once more, making a trail in their repetitions and familiarizing themselves with every last bump, ridge, and callus. “Wanna move on?”

John eyed the stack of cards. There is part of him that had wanted to read them all before they had started this game. But somewhere inside sparked his sense of adventure, the willingness to venture into the unknown. Perhaps know that it would still be a safe bet. This didn’t feel like much of a game but it seem to provoking something that needed to come out.

“Sure.”

Almost reluctantly, Mike removed their hand from his, flipping another card from the orange deck. “Rub circles on the heel of your partner’s palm with your palm.” Consent was again asked and received. This was a slight escalation, but still remaining in the bounds of safety. Mike’s fingertips rested against John’s wrist, feeling the rhythm of his pulse as the back of her palm gently circled over his. The question they drew made them swallow a bit, their teeth gnawing their lip- a telltale nervous gesture of theirs. Their eyes met his again, a small hitch in their voice. “H...have you ever been in love?”

“Yes.”

The response came with little hesitation.

“But over the years, I’ve suspected it wasn’t reciprocal.”

John’s hand closed around theirs briefly. His voice barely above a whisper.

“That’s all. Next…”

“You can talk about it if you want to. I mean if you really don’t want to, period, yeah we can move on, but it might be… good. Y’know. To talk about it. Just get it out there and stuff so it’s not… rotting inside you like fucking gangrene.” Their fingertips pressed a little firmer against his wrist, perhaps in lieu of squeezing his hand like she usually did to reassure him. His pulse was going faster.

“About what?”

“About… you know. Her.”

John laughed. It was a nervous brief chuckle.

“Right.”

And he sighed. And spoke with an abnormal clarity.

“Christina. I don’t think much about her. And to be honest, I don’t remember her face. I loved her once. I think she was a good person, consumed by her own vices.”

For a moment, he lapsed back to a day where he sat in hard wooden chair for nearly twelve hours. Answering questions from two men who had needled to the very core of his being.

“But what I said happened. And they didn’t believe me until it was too late.”

“I’m sorry.” Mike’s hand paused in its repititious circling briefly. There was a deep, almost naked sincerity in their tone. People said that all the time and most of the time it was just acknowledging that something bad happened and being polite about it. They meant it with all their heart. It was a sorrow that such a thing had happened to him. Sorrowful that they hadn’t believed the truth when they heard it and he’d suffered so long for no reason. “They didn’t believe me either. They didn’t even ask me. I mean, to be fair, they couldn’t. But they didn’t even try to wait, I don’t think. I loved him, I did. Before things got ugly, I swore up and down to myself I was gonna fuckin’ marry him one day. But then he destroyed… everything. My body. My heart. My pride. My trust in fucking men. My relationship with my mom. And I’ve been in love since but it’s never worked out. I was starting to think… the fucker cursed me somehow.” Mike sniffed, wiping their eyes with their free hand. How they’d managed to keep eye contact through the whole thing, they’d never know. “But… here you are. Everything I never knew I fucking needed.”

John nodded, the implication that his sentiment was the same.

“We can do another one, if you’d like.”

“Yeah. We’re supposed to do eight, but ideally there should be more of us here. Heh, I can’t imagine doing this with more than two people though. So… maybe just two more draws. We can keep going after that if you want, we’ll see.” Mike laughed a bit, almost as a release. That had been… intense. They hoped the next question would be a bit lighter. They drew. “Okay… hold your partner’s hand face-up and rub their palm with your thumb.” Again, consent was asked. There was a slight hesitation, but again it was given. It was a little more involved than the touches till now. Still, Mike’s hand slipped easily over his fingers, their thumb riding along the valleys and lines of his palm. The question made Mike chuckle. It was almost as if the deck had answered their silent plea for a lighter question. “What do you like about our partnership?”

“Like our team?”

“Well, I think it meant like pairing up for the game, but since we’re the only ones here? Yeah, let’s make it about that.”

“This is only team I’ve ever been in. So I’m not sure if I have anything to compare it to personally.”

He smiled wryly at that, taking a bit of their sarcasm for himself.

“But we’re good together. Obviously. I often think beyond this, though. We’ve talked a little about it but you’ve opened my eyes to greater aspirations. A true reality.” “Yeah. I mean, I’ve never been much of a tagger either. Too independent. But since day one, even before we clicked as people as good as we do now? It was like I got in the ring with you and we’ve been tagging forever. Did you know that the ol’ man’s said I should never let you go under any circumstances because he’s seen teams that’ve tagged for years that don’t have a thimbleful of our chemistry? Like, he’s said we’re on Road Warriors levels. Fuckin’ Hart Foundation levels. And who am I to argue with a Hall of Famer?” Mike laughed, their eyes glittering. “So I plan to take his advice. I ain’t never gonna find another partner like you. So I’m never ever gonna let you go, long’s you wanna stay.” There was obviously more than a single meaning in that statement. John smiled at that.

“As long as you’ll have me.” Mike giggled, blushing, but out of happiness rather than nervousness. “Okay. One more and then we can stop if you want. Let’s see what we go… oh.” For the first time in the game, Mike was afraid they were going to hit a wall when it came to the touch cards. For almost the year they’d known each other, their physicality with each other had grown to almost total comfort, but there were still a few barriers that John stuck fast to. This was one of them. Their reading of the card’s direction was phrased almost as a question, a request for consent in and of itself. “Lock fingers with your partner and gently squeeze while rubbing their palm with your thumb?”

John froze up. And he stammered over his consent.

“S-sure.”

“You sure? You know you can say no if you’re not comfortable, I can draw another one.”

He closed his eyes, drew in deep breath and exhaled.

“You aren’t what it was, though. So no, it’s alright.”

It was as strange and vague an answer, or at least would be to most, as his answer about what his favorite meal was. But something about it clicked with that theory way back in the dark parts of their mind and very nearly made them shudder. Don’t think about it. It’s too awful. Taking a deep breath, they reached out. For the first time since what seemed like forever ago, when they initially tried it and he gently but firmly corrected them, Mike’s fingers slipped between the gaps in his fingers, lacing between them, her thumb gently rubbing his palm, laced fingers squeezing in easy, steady pulses. They drew the question. It wasn’t an easy one either. If the last round was the deck cutting them a break, this was giving it back to them in spades. Their eyes held his for a silent moment, and the question is almost whispered, a jarring contrast from Mike’s usual tone of voice. “...do you enjoy physical contact with other people?”

“Other than you?”

“I think it means like… in general? So like, ‘other people’ means ‘people who aren’t you’ or something like that.”

His response was abrupt.

“No.”

“I had a feeling. I mean, it took awhile for you to even want to touch me at all outside the ring, even for little stuff.” There was a pause. For a moment it seemed that’s where Mike would leave it. Even Mike thought they were going to leave it there. Part of them even wanted to. But almost unbidden, they blurted out “...how come?”

And that is the source of all of that anger. John usually kept it deep inside. And it had been so long ago. Almost eighteen years now. A monster long dead but before he had moved to their bedroom, he sometimes heard his voice in the vent. It was unsettling. A stark reminder of his fragile existence being splintered.

“It was joked about recently. But I know deep down, it was no joke. The things he said every night, I always told myself that he was just being who he was. But that voice was always familiar. And I always knew. But it’s not something that is worth admitting. I never liked much contact with anyone but what happened - I can’t explain but it attributed itself to everything else. Like a stain.”

He didn’t need to explain further. Mike wouldn’t ask him to. It clicked in their head the way a lot of the seemingly vague things he said did, as if he was speaking a language only Mike could understand. They had context most people lacked. And they had a theory that had been creeping in their head, that dark place they’d been trying to avoid all night. Something that made sense but was too stark a horror to consider as a reality. But here it was. For a moment, Mike couldn’t speak. Their expression shifted oddly, crimson crossing their cheeks and the bridge of their nose in a manner indicating not embarrassment, but utter fury. That anger, so hot that John could probably feel it radiating off of Mike even as their hand went somewhat limp in his, was mixed with horror and sadness and this cocktail was so potent that the only sounds that came out of Mike’s mouth for a moment were strange clicks. They breathed in. Out. Finally they spoke, voice tight in their throat, at a strange pitch. “...I know I’m getting outside the rules of the game a bit here but… can I hug you?”

He had explained all of this casually. With little inflection. But he thought about that request for a moment. Pushed aside a past that been full of ugliness and nodded.

“Okay.”

Their hand slipped out of his and instead joined the other in gripping the back of his shirt, pressing close. It was different. A sort of intimacy that wasn’t the type that usually coincided with this level of proximity. The way Mike held fast to him was almost for dear life, and yet it also had the feeling of them trying to shield him from something. A threat that was no longer there and couldn’t ever do him harm again, perhaps. Or maybe the ghosts of that threat, and anything even remotely like it that may ever come. “I’d kill him if I could, but you can’t kill a fucker twice. If I knew where his grave was I’d piss on it. But that ain’t constructive, I don’t think. I’m… I’m sorry, John. I’m so fucking sorry. You didn’t deserve this. None of it. But not this. Nobody deserves this.” They didn’t relinquish their grip. They trembled a little, face ducked into his shoulder. John could feel the heat of it through his shirt. Subsequent dampness. Perhaps mourning a tragedy they couldn’t prevent because they just hadn’t shown up in the story yet. “...nothing’s ever gonna hurt you again. Not if I can help it. I’d fucking die before I let anyone hurt you even a fraction as much.” Part of Mike realized that those words were all too similar to what they’d said that night, months ago, in a tent in the middle of the woods.

“I’m okay now.”

He had concluded that in their embrace.

“Maybe we had to do this. I think I understand that I need to give more of myself. I’m not sure how. But I’ll try.”

“I’ll take as much as you wanna give me. But no more. I wouldn’t ever ask you to give me more than you’re ready to. The last person I’d ever wanna let hurt you is me. Even if I didn’t mean it.” They took a breath, exhaled again. Looked down at the decks, and after a moment’s thought, set them back in the box. A glance is taken at the instructions. “...says you should do some aftercare after particularly intense rounds, do something to wind the experience down. I… think that was pretty intense. So…” They slowly got to their feet, and offered him a hand up. “...you wanna just, like, chill on the couch the rest of the night and watch something light? Disney flicks or something?”

John took their hand and stood up with their assistance.

“It’s your turn to pick, though.”

[bastardnev]

That Guy Next Door -- Chapter 2

this chapter was supposed to be up Hours Ago why am i only able to post it now, i think im gonna start posting each chapter on here in the mornings before i go out because this is getting Ridiculous

ANYWAYS here’s the second chapter!! hope y’all enjoy it

tagging @tylerblacks @joonhobi @rivela @aliciasfox @sailor-slam-dunk @kidvoodoo @smolsammich @simulated-heat @douglas-leon-michael (lemme kno if you wanna be on my nev/moose tag list!!)

(link to ao3)

Prev.: Ch. 1 ♡

At first, Neville didn’t even realize what he was doing.

It had all started while he was sitting at his desk in the office, making a phone call to one of the higher ups and informing him of the meeting he was having later in the week. He dreaded whenever he would have to call this specific person. There was always something wrong with whatever Neville did for him — Neville would have some paperwork on his desk at 8:33 instead of 8:30 and that would be worth a lecture, he would complain that the day for a certain meeting didn’t work even though he had told Neville that it was the best time. No matter what he did or how hard he worked, nothing was ever right.

Once Neville had gotten an earful and hung up the phone twenty minutes later, he went to work correcting his latest ‘mistake’, searching for a more appropriate time. This time he was told to put the meeting on a Wednesday instead of a Thursday — God only knows what mysterious circumstances will force these plans to once again fall through. Unfortunately, that upcoming Wednesday was already full, so it was going to be put off even further. All for what? So this guy can cut out early again? Neville wished he was high enough in standing so that he could constantly leave early without any sort of punishment.

It was right as Neville was about to schedule the meeting for the following week that he found himself lost in thought. It wasn’t unusual for him to start daydreaming during work, especially when the task he was saddled with was as ridiculous as the one he was currently dealing with was, but this time was different. The subject wasn’t as typical as it usually was, not about something Wade said or what the girls did or what happened on a show he’d been watching the night before.

What does Mustafa do for a living?

Neville didn’t see anything wrong with wondering something as simple as that. Mustafa had been home a few days prior when Neville had gone to retrieve the girls’ ball, so clearly he didn’t work on Fridays. Maybe he’s a secreta-- administrative assistant too? That would explain the day off on a Friday. If this were the case, then did this mean that Mustafa worked in the same office building as him? He never recalled seeing him anywhere — perhaps he was on one of the lower floors?

No, that couldn’t be right. Mustafa had offhandedly mentioned working with children during their conversation. Neville’s job didn’t involve any children (unless you want to count his co-workers whenever the coffee machine was broken), so that theory was out.

Could he be a teacher, maybe? That seemed like a logical answer — it was a job that involved children, and since it was summertime it would explain why he wasn’t working. What school did he work for? Neville definitely would have remembered seeing him at dismissal when he went to pick Jen and Daisy up. He made a mental note to talk to the girls later that evening once he got home and see if either of them recognized him from their school.

Just as he finished that thought, however, he suddenly remembered that he had a job of his own that he needed to do. Neville hurriedly went back to working, making the almighty meeting official for next Wednesday and preparing himself for the next round of complaints that he was sure to get.

Neville pulled into the driveway of his home with a broad grin on his face. He was quite proud of himself for actually managing to avoid the rush hour traffic. He didn’t even have to leave a few minutes early — the roads were unusually clear despite the time of day. Chances are he wasn’t going to get that lucky again for quite awhile (if ever again), so he savored the moment while it lasted. And Wade didn’t think it was possible for me to actually get home at a decent time… Neville mused to himself. God, I love proving him wrong.

This moment of pride turned out to be short lived once he remembered that being home earlier meant that he was able to cook dinner that night. Son of a bitch…

It had become a running joke in the house that he was a mediocre chef at best, so he wasn’t looking forward to the teasing that he was bound to receive once he set foot in the kitchen. What should it be tonight? Neville tapped his fingers against the steering wheel as he contemplated his options. Whatever he made, it had to be something so simple that not even he could mess it up (which would prove to be quite the challenge seeing as he was completely inept when it come to cooking). Wonder if I’ll be able to use the microwave without it blowing up in my face.

As he went to remove the keys from the ignition, he saw that the lights were on in Mustafa’s house. Seeing as it was around dinner time, he figured that his neighbor was probably right in the middle of cooking, and his mind began to wander again.

I wonder how good of a cook he is. He wondered if Mustafa struggled in the kitchen as much as he did. Or perhaps he was actually quite skilled? Then again, Neville was exceptionally bad — the kind of person who would burn cereal if it were possible, so someone making a halfway decent meal was still better than whatever Neville made on his best night.

Either way, Neville didn’t have time to be dwelling on what Mustafa was getting up to, and he exited the car, already planning what he would get when he and the rest of his family would inevitably end up ordering takeout.

Neville had a perfectly good backyard, so why did Daisy and Jen insist on playing out in the front of the house?

They had both assured him that they would be fine, that they would run back inside the moment they thought they saw someone acting suspicious, but Neville still wasn’t completely sold, protective parent that he was. As such, on that Friday he set up his laptop in the living room so that he could keep an eye on them.

Work was proving to be the same nonsense as always — disagreements about times, pointless conversations where the participants forgot to remove Neville from their email exchanges, the usual. Doesn’t anybody have a job that they need to do? Neville thought, taking a pretzel out of the bowl that was sitting next to his laptop on the coffee table and popping it in his mouth. Or literally anything else besides distracting me?

At one point he had gotten up to go into the kitchen to refill his glass of water. As Neville was returning to the living room, he paused in front of the window to check on the kids. Before he even realized what he was doing, his gaze shifted to the house next door, where he noticed that Mustafa was standing outside on his porch. He was looking at the mail he had gotten that day, his brow furrowing. Even from his home Neville could still clearly make out the bright colors of the tacky junk mail that he received all the time. Not even he’s safe from that bullshit, huh?

Neville watched as Mustafa’s tongue poked out from between his lips as he focused on the envelopes in his hands, a slight breeze causing a strand of his hair to fall in his face. Neville couldn’t help but find himself staring at him, wondering if he was going to fix his hair or just let it hang. He had to admit that he did look good like that…

He received another email at that moment, his laptop making the all too familiar notification sound and snapping Neville out of his little daze. What the hell am I doing? Neville shook his head, scurrying back over to the couch. There wasn’t much time left in his shift, but he still couldn’t afford to be dawdling. He had work to do and pointless office gossip to read about. Now wasn’t the time to be thinking about his neighbor’s hair.

“Nev, could you do me a favor and grab me something from the grocery bag that I left by the front door?” Wade asked, standing at the stove and putting on a pot of water as he worked on that night’s dinner.

“Okay. Why didn’t you bring the bag in earlier, though?” Neville asked, standing up from the kitchen table.

“Because that was the bag that had the candy I bought for the girls in it. Jen insisted on looking through it right then and there. I never actually went back to get it.” Wade looked over his shoulder at him. “It’s got the box of spaghetti that I need.”

“Hope she wasn’t eating too many sweets before dinner… She’ll spoil her appetite.”

“God, Nev, you’re so boring sometimes.”

“Hush.”

Neville sauntered out into the hallway and spotted the brown paper bag sitting next to the front door, which was left partially open. Approaching it revealed that Jen and Daisy had once again decided on playing out on the front lawn. Neville wanted to be annoyed that they hadn’t asked for permission, but he decided to let it go and focus on what he’d been sent there to do.

He crouched down and began to dig around inside of the bag. Sure enough, there were many candy wrappers sitting inside of it. She’ll probably be too full for dinner now… Neville noted as he took one of the shiny wrappers in his hands. He shook his head and pushed them aside, finding the box of spaghetti sitting at the bottom and tugging it out.

“Whole wheat pasta?” Neville muttered under his breath as he read the label on the box. And Wade has the nerve to call me “boring”.

Neville turned to walk back to the kitchen when he suddenly stopped short in front of the window. Mustafa was in the middle of taking his garbage out to the curb. What’s he been up to all day? Neville didn’t recall seeing him leave his house at all that afternoon. Could he still be unpacking?

Neville noticed that he was wearing a hoodie — a dark green one that was entirely too big on him, no less. He couldn’t help but smile at how baggy it was on him, how he had to keep pulling up the sleeves to keep it from covering his hands. Why wouldn’t he wear something that was actually his size? And why’s he wearing a hoodie in the middle of August? It was oddly charming.

“What are you doing?”

“Huh—” Neville gasped, spinning around and finding that Wade was now standing directly behind him. “Jesus, Wade, don’t scare me like that!”

“You mean to tell me that you didn’t hear me coming? I was calling your name. You were taking an eternity, so I had to come find you.” Wade smirked. “Though now I understand why you were taking so long. You were just so lost in thought looking at the cutie next door that you didn’t even notice me.”

“Oh, wipe that look off your face, would you?” On the list of things that Neville wasn’t interested in looking at at that moment, it was the cocky expression that Wade always had on his face whenever he felt he’d been proven right. Neville turned away and went back to looking outside, focusing his attention back on what Mustafa was doing.

“And there you go again!”

“What? What am I doing that’s so wrong?”

“You keep gawking at him.”

“So?” Neville turned back around to face Wade if only to get him to shut up about his staring. “I’m just curious about Mustafa. I barely know him.”

“So why don’t you go talk to him then? Learn some more about him.”

“You know I can’t just do that. Do you have any idea how weird it would be if I randomly went over to his house and started asking him questions about his personal life? I’d rather speculate than do that. It’s less awkward that way.”

“Oh, Neville…” Wade sighed. “You’re impossible sometimes, you know that?”

“I do.” Neville handed over the box that he was still holding, pressing it against Wade’s chest. “Don’t you have cooking that you should be doing?”

Wade looked down at the box for a moment before slowly taking it from him, his gaze now focused on something outside. “So…” He began. “Let’s just say that the perfect opportunity for you and — Mustafa, you said his name was? — to talk arises. Would you take advantage of it?”

“I mean…” Neville crossed his arms, shrugging. “Yes, I suppose I would. But that won’t happen.”

“Are you sure about that? Because I think you might have a chance right now.”

“What makes you say that?”

“See for yourself.” Wade gestured to the window.

Neville furrowed his brow before turning back around, eyes widening. He was so distracted with Wade that he hadn’t been keeping an eye on the girls — they were both smiling and giggling as they shared a conversation with Mustafa about God knows what. “How long-- How long have they been talking?” Neville asked, transfixed by what he was looking at.

“Only a few minutes. They look like they’re having a pretty good time too.” Wade rested his chin on top of Neville’s head. “Maybe you should go see what’s up? Go see what they’re talking about.”

Neville chewed on his lip. He hadn’t expected that his excuse to talk to Mustafa again would sneak up on him so suddenly. What does he even say? Does he just ask what’s going on and then leave? Or does he stop to talk for a few more minutes? If he did the latter, then what would they talk about?

“Well?” Wade asked after a moment. “They look about ready to part ways. What do you say? You gonna do it or what?”

“I…” Neville said, nodding. “I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to go see what they’re up to.

Wade chuckled, patting his shoulder. “Go get ‘em, kid.”

Neville was left by himself in the hallway after that, Wade having retreated back into the kitchen, and he sighed. There wasn’t any backing out now, otherwise Wade would never let him hear the end of it. Well, here goes nothing…

He opened the door and went outside, heading over towards Mustafa and the kids and beginning to listen as parts of their conversation became clearer. “And she was the one who threw it!” Daisy said with a smile, pointing to her sister.

“And you were the one who made it go over the fence!” Jen insisted. “Trust me, it was all her fault.”

“Girls, are you still talking about this?” Neville asked, prompting the three of them to look at him. Neville couldn’t help but notice that the smile on Mustafa’s face had grown wider upon his arrival, and he smiled back before saying, “That was over a week ago.”

“But Mr. Mustafa should know about what Daisy did!”

“It’s your fault for throwing it!” Daisy said.

“It’s your fault for hitting it so hard!” Jen argued right back.

“Neither one of you are to blame,” Neville interrupted.

“So who’s fault is it then?”

“It’s, uh…” Neville clicked his tongue, thinking for a moment before continuing with, “My fault. I should have bought a house with a higher fence. Sorry ‘bout that.”

Both girls looked at him with frowns on their faces, though perhaps the reaction that had the biggest impact on Neville was Mustafa’s little snort. He couldn’t help but feel oddly proud knowing that he’d amused him.

“But Daddy,” Daisy said, “if you’d bought a bigger fence then you wouldn’t be able to see over it! You’re so short.”

Neville’s face went red, the sound of Mustafa laughing again causing him to grow even more embarrassed. “I’d find a way. Anyways, why don’t you two head inside and wash up? Wade’s getting dinner ready.”

“I’m not hungry,” Jen protested.

“He’s making spaghetti and meatballs.”

“...Actually? I changed my mind. I’m hungry now.” She skipped off towards the house, Daisy following close behind her.

Neville watched them go before looking at Mustafa, who was still smiling. “Uh… Kids, amiright?” He laughed a little nervously. “They just say the darndest things.”

“They’re cute, though,” Mustafa replied. “Jen looks a lot like you.”

“You think so? Everyone always says she looks more like her mother.”

“Well, I haven’t met your wife yet, so I can’t really compare.”

Neville felt himself tense up. “Actually, I’m… not married.” He scratched the back of his head, laughing a little nervously. “Not anymore, at least. We, erm, separated a few years ago.”

“Oh.” Mustafa’s eyebrows raised. “I’m sorry, I just assumed you were still together. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Don’t worry about it, you had no way of knowing.” Christ, why did Neville even bring that up in the first place? Mustafa wasn’t interested in hearing about his love life. He shouldn’t be dumping his relationship baggage on someone who was essentially a stranger.

They both fell silent. Neville was beginning to think that maybe he’d made a mistake sticking around for so long -- the conversation had become awkward, as he’d predicted. He had been given the opportunity to speak with Mustafa again, and he royally screwed it up. Way to go, Neville… You’ve really outdone yourself this time.

Mustafa cut him off his train of thought by saying, “If it makes you feel any better, I don’t think you’re all that short.”

Neville laughed at that. “Gee, thanks. I don’t know why Daisy even said that.”

“I think she just likes to mess with you. It’s what kids do. I deal with kids like that all the time.”

“Oh? Do you have any of your own?”

“No, no. I work with them. I’m a teacher. First grade.”

“First grade? Oof.” Neville involuntarily shuddered. “I only have to deal with one first grader around here. I can’t imagine a whole class full of ‘em.”

“It’s fun, though. They, uh, always keep me on my toes.” Mustafa smiled a little sheepishly. “Never know what they’re gonna get up to next.”

“That’s pretty much what it’s like in my house. Just last week they were fighting over chicken tenders.” Neville clicked his tongue. “I didn’t realize that food could be so controversial.”

“Oh it definitely can be. Just this past spring two kids got into a fight over a pack of fruit snacks. In Noah’s defense they were his, but… he did say he would share them.” Mustafa shrugged. “It was a big mess.”

“Sounds like it. Y’know, I wanna say that fighting over food is a kid thing, but now that I think about it I’ve seen people in the office bust out some pretty brutal insults if it means getting the last donut.” Neville smirked. “Little did they know that while they were all fighting I snuck in and took it.”

“Ooh, sneaky!” Mustafa playfully nudged his arm. “You don’t strike me as being the type. You seem too good natured for that.”

“Pardon my language, but I can be a real bastard sometimes. Just ask Wade. He knows all about it.”

Mustafa’s brow furrowed. “Wade is…?”

“My friend. He lives downstairs, helps me with the girls sometimes. He’s a bit of a loser, but he’s a nice guy all things considered. He’s helped me through some rough times.”

“Okay, so he’s your friend.” There was a weird look on Mustafa’s face -- relief? Neville wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. “Just wanted to make sure.”

“Why? Is there something wrong with him being my friend?”

“No, definitely not! I just wanted to be one hundred percent sure that he was only your friend before… Well…”

“Well what?” Neville quirked up an eyebrow. Where’s he going with this…?

“I was just wondering… Are you free--”

“Nev!” Right before Mustafa could finish talking, Wade suddenly appeared in the front door, and both men looked at him. “I need you for a second.”

“For what?” Neville couldn’t quite place why, but he was suddenly filled with the urge to punch Wade in the face.

“I need help with dinner. Daisy keeps offering to help, but I don’t trust a six year old around a stove. Then again, you’re not much better, are you?”

“Wade!” Neville was expecting Mustafa to laugh at his expense again, but when he looked over at him he realized that he was actually staring down towards the ground, his face flushed. “I’ll be with you in a minute.”

“Don’t take too long. You know I’m not good at fending off small children.” Wade hurried back inside, leaving Mustafa and Neville alone again.

Neville looked back at his neighbor, clearing his throat. “I’m… I’m sorry for him. He has poor timing.”

“Yeeeeah.” Mustafa laughed, though it didn’t sound like a very happy laugh. “He really does.”

“What were you going to say?”

“Uh… nothing. It’s not important.” He shook his head. “Now’s not the best time to talk about it anyway. You should probably go help Wade out before the girls beat him up.”

Neville swallowed, inexplicably sad, his mouth dry. “Yeah, you’re right. I’ll, uh, see you around?”

“Yeah.” He grinned. “I’ll see you, Adrian.”

Neville nodded at him before walking back towards his house. No matter how much he tried to will it away, this unusual feeling of dissatisfaction sat heavily in his stomach like a rock.

[thestoryofme13]

The Spiral

Prequel to Saving Me: The Spiral

A/N: This is still the same story but it needed a different name since it isn’t a prologue and it really isn’t the plot point of Saving Me but for the sake of everyone’ sanity both will be labeled Saving me. I just didn’t realize it was going to take on a life of its own. Also Roman will appear later but not in the prequel.

Chapter 2

Chapter 1

A/N: This is my attempt at an AU, but please look out for the warnings before each chapter, this is going to be triggering and I am going to do my best to tag all of them but I will need your help to make sure I don’t miss anything. I want you as readers to be safe. This was inspired by @ilovemygaydad and their fic Friends in Dark Places, which I highly recommend, you can see the all the chapter links and my thoughts of the story as a whole here.

This chapter and the next couple will be the backstory to give you all some background. It was going to be all one chapter but I hadn’t hit the plot point I wanted and the word count was already over 2,000.

Warnings: Swearing, intrusive thoughts, unworthy, wanting death, insecurities, anxiety, 

Summary: Someone saves Virgil when he needed it most and now he dedicates his life to trying to help others not feel alone

Pairings: Analogical later

(Flashback) Logan wasn’t a huge fan of extracurricular activities because, they could be disruptive and take away from his school work but, quiz bowl was the exception. Quiz bowl tested his knowledge on a vast majority of subjects and helped him learn new facts.  It also fulfilled his parents need for him to have “social interactions.” Two birds with one stone, what Logan hadn’t factored in was that there were some very attractive guys on his quiz bowl team, not that any of them would ever express any interest in Logan. His intellect was probably the only attention-grabbing aspect of himself, his looks were mediocre and average at best, not that he was complaining he was content with the way he looked, most days that is.

One day the impossible happened, at least Logan had deemed it impossible or possible with a very low probability. Garret one of the most attractive guys on the quiz bowl team had asked Logan out, Logan just had to tell someone! Virgil would be happy for him, right? That’s what friends were for. 

The day after Garret asked Logan out, Logan searched for Virgil in the lunch room, going to their usual spot. Virgil was already sitting staring at the unappetizing food before him, when he felt a pair of eyes on him, sure enough, his instinct was right Logan was approaching their table and he was practically vibrating with excitement, it was a nice change of pace to see Logan look so happy. Virgil thought, “Wouldn’t it be nice if I was the reason….fuck V, stop thinking like that!” after sorting out his own thoughts he returned back to the world and waited anxiously for his best friend to approach the table.

Logan was so excited that he could barely contain himself, no sooner than he sat down at the table did his mouth open to spill the news, “Garretaskedmeout!!!” Virgil chuckled, when Logan got excited he had a tendency to run his words together and forget to breathe between sentences, it was incredibly adorable, “Lo, if you could stop speaking cursive that would be helpful.” Logan blushed, he knew this was a habit of his, and he hated it, he took a deep breath in and decided to repeat himself, “Garret asked me out!” Virgil’s face fell ever so slightly, enough for an observant person to notice, but he quickly masked his pain behind a fake smile, “I’m happy for you, Logan.” It was rare that Virgil used Logan’s full name, but the nerd was too excited to connect the dots, but who could blame him. They talked for the rest of the lunch period although Virgil was hardly participating, he wanted to leave this room and hide, but he didn’t want Logan to worry; so he faked being okay and put on a happy face.

Virgil couldn’t believe it, his best friend the guy he had come to develop feelings for had been asked out by arguably one of the most attractive guys in their grade. While Virgil, didn’t want to like Logan romantically, it somehow wasn’t a choice, so upon hearing the news, it broke his heart, in a way that your first real crush could only accomplish. He wanted to be happy for his friend, but he also wanted to cry and scream that the universe was unfair. The universe had given Virgil this amazing friend and then had him develop feelings for said friend only for a cruel twist of fate to have Logan asked out by a different amazing guy, if this didn’t sum up Virgil’s life then nothing else would.

Virgil couldn’t help but worry about the idea that Garret being in Logan’s life, would mean that Logan and he would have less time to spend together, and that was a saddening thought. Unfortunately for Virgil, his worry was not unfounded. It was very little things at first and Virgil expected that; the relationship was new and exciting and desperately needed time to grow and flourish. The little things like Garret coming to sit at their table weren’t so bad, he was a great guy, Logan was truly lucky. Although Virgil could live without being the third wheel, the two boys were always so engrossed in each other that Virgil rarely spoke or was spoken to, he didn’t expect much else from two people in the “honeymoon” phase. It was still irritating.

What finally broke Virgil’s heart was that Logan and he had planned to have a movie night and Logan had canceled at the last-minute citing that Garret needed his immediate attention. Virgil wouldn’t usually be phased, sure he’d be disappointed, but it would be easily forgotten after all people forgetting or canceling plans on him was something he had become accustomed to, why should this be any different. Virgil knew better than to get excited over things, because once he was excited it would always blow up in his face, so he would always set up things with people thinking they will cancel or he’d act very indifferent to the activity in hopes that his real excitement doesn’t show through his façade. 

The difference this time was that Logan hated canceling plans, once something was planned it was his obligation to follow through, it was something Virgil admired about his nerd. This cancellation hit hard because it was not the first time Logan had canceled, but the second time! Virgil was angry, hurt, and scared of losing his best friend to this new relationship, but he would never tell Logan. 

Logan hated discussing feelings, he hated feelings in general but realized how important they were, but that didn’t mean he’d like to acknowledge them in a conversation. So, for now, Virgil just keeps all his insecurities to himself, why bother someone else with his useless thoughts.

Logan hated canceling plans and distancing himself from Virgil, it wasn’t on purpose but Garret needed him, and Logan had trouble saying no to those green eyes when they looked at him. He felt bad for canceling plans and leaving Virgil by himself at lunch some days but Garret turned Logan to mush. All logical thinking and self-control went out the window.

The canceling of plans and distance continued for about two months when Virgil had finally given up and reached his limit. He was emotionally drained, he could barely take it anymore, his best friend was barely speaking to him at this point and it was killing him.

One day in chemistry they were performing an experiment that used Hydrochloric acid when the teacher saw that Virgil was leaning in a bit too close to the beaker, “Virgil, please use the necessary precautions when dealing with this acid! If not, it may damage your skin, lungs, or if you’re really unlucky it’ll kill you.” Virgil chuckled, “My dude, death would be nice right about now.” His classmates looked horrified, all the students were at least one grade above Virgil, so they tended to avoid him. Who would want to be paired with the wicked smart underclassman? Virgil just shrugged, his sense of humor had always been dark, but there was no denying the slight truth to his remark.

One of the students looked particularly panicked, he knew that Virgil was a little odd, but he couldn’t help but feel like something was bothering the little one. Patton Jacobs was a junior and knew how scary high school could be, so he made it his mission to look out for the underclassmen. Patton had seen how Virgil usually kept to himself and he wanted to make sure that the kiddo knew that he had a support system, but he didn’t want to overwhelm him. It only took a few minutes before he had a brilliant idea, he’d leave little notes in Virgil’s locker. The only problem was that he had no clue what locker was his, so he would have to follower Virgil out of chemistry and hope he stops by his locker on his way to his next class.

Once class was out, Patton was rushing to keep pace with Virgil, “Gee, this freshman sure could run out of a room quickly! He should think about doing cross-country.” But Patton was up for the challenge, he lucked out and Virgil did happen to stop by his locker between classes, Patton made note of which locker was his, 413. Then took out a pad of electric blue post-it notes and wrote the first note, “Reason to live no. 1: PUPPIES!” Once Virgil had retrieved his books for his next class, Patton ran in and slid the note through the locker, praying to any being out there that would listen, that Virgil would find the note.

Virgil hated honors English but the good thing about it was that he could mostly zone out and Logan was in his class, while Garret was not. Obviously, they couldn’t talk in class because Virgil was pretty sure that would give Logan an aneurysm, but ever since he started dating Garret, Logan had stopped paying attention apparently his lap was more interesting than the lecture, not that Virgil was the entranced by it either, but he at least had the common decency to doodle, not text. 

Virgil hated what this relationship was doing to Logan, he seemed like a totally different person, canceling plans, texting in class, ignoring friends. Virgil would take a guess that his grades might be suffering a bit as well, but Logan was head over heels, there was very little that could free him from his enchantment.

Eventually honors English ended and Virgil was able to leave, not only this class but the entire building, school was over….well for today that is. He raced out of that classroom, not bothering to acknowledge Logan trying to get his attention, he was hurt and when that happens Virgil tended to be petty. He reached his locker and slid his headphones on from his locker, hoping that anyone who might try to talk to him would see them and think differently.

He was gathering his books for the night when a brightly colored blue piece of paper caught his eye, he reached down, this wasn’t supposed to be here. Virgil held it in his hand and read the writing, he smiled to himself for a split second then panic arose, “Who thought he needed reasons to live? Was this a joke?” He looked around for anyone who could have put the note in his locker but saw no one, he would keep this to himself, but this note would be going on the inside of his closet at home, so he could look at it when he needed it and without others judging him.

Tag list: @fandomsandanythingelse @nyxwordsmith @michealawithana  @fanfictionsideaccount @bubblycricket

[saotome-michi]

Hi! Well I think they might have changed the regulations since even a BL that was broadcasted this year (the one about the blond guy and his teacher) couldn't show kisses (though i think they could show one in last episode?) anyway regarding not mentioning the kiss perhaps it was due to the fact they didn't choose the BL tag, the scan of the fanbook and translation you can find it in the tumblr account "gogoeeg" under the tag "sayo-yamamoto"

About the event in Philippines, I got friends from there who went and talked to me about it but I couldn’t find a post until now, to read it go to the account zuzusexytiems and search the tag “yoi-news” also not long ago mappa’s ceo talked about how Sayo always had the intention to depict a romance which i think was the most direct statement but of course not choosing a BL tag arrises problems, but even so as I told you about that other bl series, they couldn’t show kisses until last eps

Still same anon, but messages sent later on with links and more clarification: 

Hi! Don’t rush if you need to study, I hope things go well with your finals, i found a twitter thread about the director’s statements on the fanbook (they also put tumblr links with the scans in the thread) i hope this link can be sent well twitter.com/hanleia/status/877682683429609472

Also this is a report of the event my friends in ph talked about, i met them because the persona fandom but they were into yoi too so it caught my attention, there might be more reports but is difficult to find them zuzusexytiems.tumblr.com/post/165924693224/met-sayo-yamamoto-fuuko-noda-of-yuri-on-ice-at-a?is_related_post=1

A second anon, I presume: 

Regarding what the other anon said, is true, that other anime hitorijime my hero had a lot of censorship despite being a BL and even the staff of series “explicit visually” like no6 have explicitly stated the relationship is “probably one sided” or “up for interpretation”. The thing is that even co creator Kubo has already labelled Victor and Yuuri as a couple as well as mappa’s ceo Otsuka and even Sayo said in yuri on life that their love encompasses love like lovers, family, etc so (½)

As someone who participates a lot in japanese fandom I can tell you almost no one denies the kiss and they took that statement as “confirmation” (for westerns it would be when Otsuka said their relationship was 恋愛) I dont consider yoi the best representation but i can assure is not bait, you just have to check official material, あの二人の愛多くの意味を包含するから…友だちだけじゃない、恋人だけじゃない even JCM and Johnny Weir have spoken with the staff and assure is romance (2/2)

First of all, I would like to apologize to both of you for this late response. Although I said I would address this after finals, I got sidetracked by family obligations, and couldn’t really get together enough energy to look through these sources and do research until now. Hopefully you two still see this answer. I am compiling your messages and answering both of you at the same time due to the similarity in topic.

Before I get started on talking about TV regulations, I wish to clarify (especially for those who are not aware of what I’ve already written on yoi) that I do not consider yoi bait, due to queerbaiting being a US/UK concept. In my opinion, the term simply does not make sense in Japan–MAPPA was never trying to attract LGBT viewers to yoi, their material was always well in line with the light BL/shoujo demographic. My past criticism about yoi was focused on its overblown reception among international anime viewers; people were acting like yoi was going to revolutionize all Japanese media in regards to depictions of lgbt people, as if yoi was the first show to have men in love, as if Japanese lgbt people and organizations have not already been fighting this fight for years… and frankly it just annoyed me on how much people misunderstood and oversimplified the situation in Japan. Whatever your views on yoi are, I think most can agree that there’s a real disconnect happening when the only articles talking about how revolutionary yoi is were from western/international websites, and Japanese sites, including lgbt sites, had nothing.  

Hence, despite having voiced my dissatisfactions towards Kubo and the yoi staff before on my blog, my main beef with yoi has always been more about its reception, the international fandom and their activity. 

But I digress– the discussion regarding TV regulations goes back to my post “Yuri on Ice, anime ratings, and censorship”. I wrote this post on Nov 20, 2016–so not long after episode 7 had been released–and in this post I put forward arguments refuting the idea that “the YOI staff censored the kiss either because they didn’t want to change their rating or their genre, or to avoid government censorship laws.” While I still stand by this idea (because ratings and genres really don’t work the same way in Japan as they do in the US, and there are no government censorship laws that apply here) I also see that, after doing some more research, there were other factors that I failed to take into consideration, namely: 

While there are no government laws or agencies that censor depictions of homosexuality in media (as there are in China), that doesn’t mean people/companies in Japan don’t exercise other forms of censorship, such as:

Corporate censorship: the sanctioning of speech by spokespersons, employees, and business associates by threat of monetary loss, loss of employment, or loss of access to the marketplace. 

Self-censorship: the act of censoring or classifying one’s own work of media. Usually done out of fear of, or deference to, the sensibilities or preferences of others (Wikipedia).

What I’m hinting towards is that, basically, either: 

Broadcasting Stations, while not having legal regulations, may pressure Anime Studios to change their content and/or

Studios themselves might be inclined to change their content in order to not conflict with Broadcasters’ perceived preferences or to better market their anime to certain Broadcasters. 

This is actually an idea that I brought up in “Yuri on Ice, anime ratings, and censorship”, but did not fully develop– it would make sense if different broadcasting stations had different “preferences” in place regarding what content they prefer in the anime they broadcast, depending on their reach, image, and perceived audience. For example, stations such as AT-X and BS11, which are known for broadcasting a good deal of “shinya anime” (if you do not know what this term means please refer back to my post linked above), are much more likely to screen niche anime with explicit content than say, stations like TBS, whose anime content consists of those targeted to either children or shounen manga readers, a much wider demographic. 

There is a possibility that these “preferences” are formalized in the shape of outlined standards. The JBA (The Japan Commercial Broadcasters Association), a non-profit incorporated association whose membership consists of 206 commercial broadcasters in Japan, focuses on upholding fundamental standards for commercial broadcasters, as well as on improving broadcasting ethics throughout the industry. Their standards, which are detailed in this document, “ JBA Broadcasting Standards”, are then used as a guideline for individual broadcasting stations to outline their own standards. However, since I am unable to find any individual broadcaster’s standards on the internet, this is mostly speculation, although the document itself is an interesting read and gives an idea of the various social pressures more mainstream broadcasters might face. For example, a couple of the outlined standards include: 

26. Public morals shall be respected. Any possibility of arousing favorable feelings toward speech or action that is against common social practice, or desire to imitate such speech or action, shall be avoided.

77. When presenting sexual minorities, full consideration shall be given to the human rights of people who belong to said minorities.

A bit conflicting, given that a portion of Japanese people still think same-sex relationships go against public morals... 

So, with all this being said, do I think it’s possible that the yoi staff was pressured into making the kiss scene what it was, not by any laws, but by social pressures translated into Broadcasters’ standards, a combination of corporate and self censorship? Yes, I do. Although TV Asahi did broadcast Shin Sekai Yori, an anime with same-sex relationships and kiss scenes, Shin Sekai Yori is an outlier among TV Asahi’s anime content. The majority of their programs (and BS Asahi’s, another station that broadcast yoi) are targeted towards a wider demographic, so I can see them having stricter standards. 

Having come to this conclusion, I wish to apologize for my old post; although the information included there is accurate, I failed to consider the factors and possibilities outlined above, thus not giving readers the full picture. 

Does this change my opinion about yoi? It changes my opinion that Kubo and Yamamoto could’ve included the kiss if they wanted to, but it doesn’t change the rest of my criticisms about yoi and its reception. 

Oh and before I forget–

Regarding Hitorijime~My Hero: I am not familiar with this anime, but whichever way the kiss scenes were handled does not prove anything in regards to TV Asahi’s regulations, because the anime was not broadcast by TV Asahi in the first place. A quick look at the anime’s main website (http://hitorijime-myhero.com/onair/) shows that it was broadcast by AT-X, Tokyo MX, and BS日テレ–not by TV Asahi.

Furthermore, while Hitorijime may have only had one kiss scene, BL/GL anime such as Super Lovers 2 and NTR~Netsuzou Trap showed multiple kiss scenes, and non-BL/GL anime like Kuzu no Honkai and Koi to Uso each had one as well. (All mentioned anime were broadcast in 2017.)

But if anything, this lends more weight to my theory that different broadcasters simply have different standards, and anime studios self-censor their content in order to market to certain broadcasters. Hitorijime, Super Lovers 2, and NTR~Netsuzou Trap were all broadcast by AT-X (shinya anime) and Tokyo MX (shinya anime), but only Hitorijime was broadcast by BS日テレ (wider demographic), while Super Lovers 2 and NTR were broadcast by BS11 (shinya anime). So perhaps BS日テレ is stricter? Makes sense to me.