#i hope you smile today

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[kimtaegis]

JIN HUGS JIN HUGS! for @jinstronaut ♡

cr. namuspromised, dwellingsouls, 0613data

[foxy-kitsune]

remember: the sun always outshines the moon💛

[rjshope]

Bring The Soul | Maknae line

for @jkvjimin🤍

[mastercrownmonday]

what if the crown said a bad words. that would be pretty funny. i think

[jinstronaut]

jin's bread cheek smile, for @sampleofmypasta ♥ (cr.appletape)

cc's for palestine masterlist | request here

[jinhogae]

HWANG IN-YEOP as NA IL-DEUNG THE SOUND OF MAGIC / 안나라수마나라 (2022)

happy birthday to my dearly beloved @choidoil! ♡

[ratherhavehopewithyou]

akatsuki no yona valentine's cards <3

[loversmore]

2minwonhan + flowers

for @seoksgyu 🤍

[kimtaegis]

three superheroes, anpanman! for @sopekooks ♡

cr. jung-koook

[feniksido]

It’s his world im just living in it fr fr

[sainz100]

Fernando Alonso arriving on Media Day ahead of the 2024 Singapore GP | 📸 by Denzyl KY

[hybridshadowz]

might I offer you a Kir-veh in these trying times?🏛️🩷

[mrsfitzgerald]

birthday boy ✨💖

[faaun]

procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally

[pure-patissiere]

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♡ 𝒀𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒔𝒎𝒊𝒍𝒆 𝒊𝒔 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒂 𝒃𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒉 𝒐𝒇 𝒔𝒑𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈, 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒗𝒐𝒊𝒄𝒆 𝒊𝒔 𝒔𝒐𝒇𝒕 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒔𝒖𝒎𝒎𝒆𝒓 𝒓𝒂𝒊𝒏 ♡

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