#i just wanted to write about dr salazar because she's the loml

[chronicowboy]

Buck doesn't even question it when he pulls up to Eddie's house instead of his own apartment block. He has the go-ahead to return to work, but for some reason, the relieved joy he'd expected has been buried under a confusing mudslide of emotions that make his head hurt if he looks at them too closely.

He tells himself he's at Eddie's because he's returning the favour, paying him back for last year when Eddie had showed up on his doorstep with a six pack, a grin and his transfer back to the 118 paperwork.

Buck doesn't have a six pack, or a grin, or a vague date for his return because he hadn't even told Bobby about his cardiologist appointment today for fear of the news awaiting him.

But he knocks on Eddie's door anyway because he may be just Buck, but that's enough. Its always been enough at the Diaz house, and maybe that's what he should be appreciating after everything.

The smile Eddie gives him when the door cracks open is enough to ease most of the tightness in his chest. He remembers a similar smile two nights ago, the way it had blossomed so softly on Eddie's face, how it had lit up his eyes and rosied the apples of his cheeks.

Yeah, he's enough here.

"Dr Salazar told me to ask you how her diagnosis of repression was holding up," Buck says, pushing past Eddie, eager for the warmth of the living room. "She told me you'd know what that meant."

"You really need to learn to say hello," Eddie grumbles good-naturedly as Buck drops onto the couch with a blissful sigh. Buck cranes his head in time to watch Eddie's face do something complicated. "Wait, what'd she say?"

"She asked how her repression diagnosis was going," Buck sounds out slowly.

"Motherfucker," Eddie hisses to himself. Buck watches rapt as his cheeks fill with colour.

"Yeah, do I get to know what that means?"

Eddie meets his eyes, and Buck wonders if she was a bit too hasty in her dismissal of him because his heart does something worrying in his chest at the dizzying intensity of emotion on Eddie's face.

"Not yet," he murmurs. It sounds like a promise.

Buck swallows past the lump in his throat.

"Wait, you had an appointment today?" Eddie drops onto the coffee table in front of him, a beautiful concern simmering in his eyes. Buck flushes at the attention. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Buck nods, "I am more than okay. In fact, I'm so okay that I am free to return to work whenever I please."

"Okay..." Eddie squints at him. "Why do I feel like you're about to make our quitting the 118 score two-one?"

"I'm not quitting the 118," Buck sighs. "Not again."

"But?" Eddie prods gently.

"But," Buck drags a hand down his face, "I don't know if I'm quite ready to come back yet." He thinks he must be imagining the slight sag of Eddie's shoulders, can't help but wonder if its disappointment or relief if he wasn't imagining it.

"Its a big step after something like this," Eddie concedes.

"After your shoulder, you got cleared with Frank one day, and had a return to work date the next."

"Yeah, and we all remember how that turned out," Eddie snorts.

"Fair enough."

"Its natural to take a bit of time when you aren't ignoring absolutely every warning sign your body is sending you," Eddie tells him. "Bobby will hold your place for you, you know that. Hell, he'd hold it for a decade if he had to. And I might be a bit bummed without my partner around, but I'll live if its so he can take care of himself." Eddie's voice is unbearably soft in a way that makes Buck's skin crawl, its been doing that a lot around Eddie since he woke up. "Besides, I'm sure he'll be drinking my beer and crashing on my couch most nights anyway." Rolling his eyes, Buck huffs a laugh.

"It just feels weird, you know?" He shrugs a shoulder. "After my leg, I fought so hard to get back."

"Yeah, I remember," Eddie says dryly.

"Shut up." Buck shakes his head. "I fought so hard to come back and now I'm being told I can and I just..."

"It feels too easy?"

"Yeah."

"Buck, you're so used to fighting." Eddie shuffles a little closer, and Buck does his best not to flinch at the spark that jolts through him when their knees knock together. "For everything. Ever since you were a kid, you were fighting for everything everyone else just had handed to them. Its hard to shake off a lifelong habit." Eddie tilts his head to catch Buck's eye, he was unaware they'd wandered away from Eddie's determined face. "But last time was different. You know that. You were different."

And Buck knows what he means. That Buck seems so drastically different to the Buck he is now, whatever software update he's at. The Buck who tied his worth to firefighting, who had no identity outside of it, who felt like he was always one step away from being left behind.

But he's also not convinced he's all that different. Firefighting is still his life. He has maybe one or two friends outside of the 118 family. And, yes, he knows that they're a family now, knows that not one of them would leave him behind. The past week has been proof of that. But who is he outside of the firehouse?

"I don't think I really know who I am when I'm not fighting fires," Buck whispers to the carpet.

It feels a lot like a shock of lightning when Eddie uses his pointer finger to nudge Buck's chin up.

"You're Buck," Eddie nods, conviction dripping from him.

And that's enough?

"You're an amazing firefighter, yes," Eddie's hand is still on his chin. "But you're an even better brother to Maddie and Hen and Chim. You're an incredible uncle to an incredible niece. You're the best of friends. You're Christopher's..." Here, Eddie pauses. Buck's heart thumps. "You're Christopher's," Eddie says decisively. "But more than all of that, you're Buck. And maybe that's all you need to be."

Buck grits his teeth when the familiar sting of tears has him squeezing his eyes shut. He takes a few steadying breaths, the ones the lung specialist had taught him when he could finally keep his eyes open for more than ten minutes. With every expansion of his lungs, it feels like his heart grows a little bigger too.

The bravery hits him out of nowhere.

"To Maddie, Hen and Chim, huh?" he asks, meeting Eddie's eyes. "What am I to you, Eddie?"

"Not yet," Eddie says softly. "Not just yet."

And Buck thinks he doesn't mind waiting for this answer.