#i just wish the show would have the balls to admit that john was a bad parent who seriously fucked up his kids

[gh-0-stcup]

That CBGB story was wonderful and I loved it. But Dean...did John raise you right? Did he??? Because you have about 7 million different issues and like 90% of them are John freaking Winchester-related.

[bekkachaos]

BRIDGERTON THOUGHTS PRT 3 !

Okay here's everything else 😅 part 1 and part 2 of my ramblings if you're bored!

Again, S3 part 2 spoilers below!

I really wish they didn't make me like John Sterling so much. I mean how dare you? I know what's coming and this is just rude!

And Michaela Sterling?? Oh we are going to get fed!

And bisexual Benedict too?! I feel that's been hinted at since that episode where he walked in on his painter friend, but also now that we have Michaela, I feel that they won't do the same with Sophie and genderbend for his story too, if it's not his story next season, I feel like he might explore more. But I do think he may be next, especially with the mention of the masquerade ball by Eloise at the end.

Also why did it keep cutting from Colin and Pen being all tortured and breaking my heart to Benedict being the sexy meat in a bisexual sandwich?? THE WHIPLASH

Eloise drove me nuts in the first episode, I just felt like she was being unnecessarily cruel but at the same time I can understand why. And she got past it in a beautiful way that I really enjoyed, just that first episode I was yelling at her to take her nose out of the sky!

Kate and Anthony were gorgeous as we knew they would be, and I love Anthony's face when Colin announces his engagement and he realises he can't upstage with his news. He is such a dramatic little man!

Not to mention him interrupting Kate when they were talking to Colin and just irritating her while she tried to make her point (and in doing so, proving her point).

Violet and Lady Danbury's friendship is amazing and I love it and I love that they brought up Violet's father without having to really talk about it, and then the cut to the hat? Oh it was so sweet!

I actually love seeing the featherington sisters, especially Prudence, out of their mother's favour, I feel like that's not really happened for them before, especially not in favour of Penelope and it was a cool dynamic.

Also the way I love Finch and Dankworth, they are hilarious together and just so adorable, I think there's one clip where they're both just standing staring in awe up at this cake and it made me laugh so hard.

And Prudence saying something nice to Philippa at the very end at the ball? That was lovely.

In my opinion, we had way too much Cressida, I'm sorry but I just didn't care enough for the amount of screen time she got. I know we probably had to set up for the blackmail and her reasoning but I just didn't care.

And it actually annoyed me how she was the one to mention to Colin that maybe he was jealous of Penelope and Whistledown, I just didn't like that it came from her but I know that somebody had to actually say it because ya boy wasn't admitting it to himself.

In the book you kind of flip between the two perspectives and you can tell that jealousy plays a part in his frustrations, but it's probably not as obvious in the show if you haven't read the book.

Okay I think I'm done, gonna go watch it again and see if I have more to say but I had to get it out 😂

If you've got this far come yell about it with me 💕

[rumblelibrary]

Have you ever thought about writing a continuation to Unofficial Meeting? I'm dying to know whether Laszlo earns the reader's forgiveness and if she accepts his proposal or not. Have a good day! 😚

Undisclosed Meeting [Dr Laszlo Kreizler x Fem!Reader]

Word count: 2k

Warnings: Laszlo self deprecating himself hard

A/N: how could I give up a chance to make my boy Laszlo happy? Thank you so much for requesting it, it really made me happy to have an old story requested. Here is the original story

“Are you even listening to me?”

Violet inquired as you blinked surprised and taken aback. She invited you over for an afternoon tea, but your mind kept wondering off to what happened between you and Laszlo. You haven’t seen him in over a month and to be honest you missed him. The first few days you were firm on your choice, he upset you and your family, he crossed your boundaries mindlessly.

But then you realised how he meant to ask your hand to your father, how he never meant for you to be hurting, he just wanted to make it official.

Your grandmother tried to talk you out of your anger but she didn’t managed to, it was over anyway. You upset each other, you closed that chapter.

If you have feelings for him that chapter is not closed, your grandmother told you but you tried to ignore it. You haven’t seen him in so long, not even at some event or where you’d usually expect him to be. He kept sending you flowers to you until the end of the previous month. That silly man, always hating to leave things halfway done.

“I am, I am just a bit tired” you said as she waved her hand 

“nonsense ” she said offering you to try some sweets while she stood up to call her maid and gather what she meant to show you “I’ll show you now the latest Paris fashion and you’ll have to wake up” 

She was your friend, she was sweet and she knew you were on a rough patch now and she did all in her power t keep you distracted.

“Charles stop it”

John’s voice rang through you ears as you stood up to see what was going on from the window facing the luscious back garden of the Moore residence. Little Charles was the spit image of his parents and an adventurer at heart, you could tell from the way he kept his father busy running after him.

You smiled as John gave up opening his arms in defeat.

“What I have to do?” He groaned making you chuckle as for a moment it looked like he was asking to God, but when you noticed that he was in fact talking to Dr Kreizler who was sitting on a bench. You codlin’t help but rest your eyes on him, he looked pale, tired like he wasn’t sleeping. He was like this during investigations but as far as you knew there was no one at the moment.

“Wat you have to do John? Let the boy be” he said as a tired smile crept onto his lips.

“Yes, he will break his skull in a second”

Laszlo shook his head looking at him “If you prevent him from doing anything he won’t never learn” he said as he spoke matter of factly but that tiredness in his voice was evident. You wondered what kept him up.

You wondered if t was your fault.

But then you saw the sweet look he had for the child as he picked a ball that was hiding behind his back to give it to him to play with.

He was so good with kids, it was incredible.

You knew it was his job, but the tenderness he showed with them was something you felt on your own skin as you used to be allowed to be part of that special round of people that got to see him being sweet.

You moved away from the window just in time for Violet to come back, her maids holding onto over twenty new items of clothing.

“V” you said to her as the use of that little nickname sparked already her attention “I have to ask you a favour”

It was dead in the evening when Laszlo got asked from Violet to meet a friend of hers with a child with various problems.

The symptoms she described didn’t really add up, they should be excluding each other. But no matter what he decided to go there. 

He usually was very firm about his privacy and the times he could meet or not patients, even though the secrecy of the hour would be typical of a wealthy family trying to hide some kind of a problem they judge as shameful, he also came to a point where work was all he got.

He missed you, everything reminded him of you. He hoped to see, he would be a liar if he didn’t admit to have handed a dollar or two to your maid to at least know how are you.

He didn’t mean to stalk you, he just wanted you happy and once more he was acting behind your back. But your maid told him you were fine and doing your business, so he stopped inquiring. He didn’t deserve you in the first place anyway, but how things ended really pained him, he really thought to be doing right and he really wanted to have a future with you, to have many what John has.

But what nonsense thinking about it now that it is all gone and by his own hand, he had nobody to blame but himself.

As he arrived to the building he got inside surprised not to find anyone at service but only an open door.

The instinct would have told him to go away, but he was reckless by now, he already lost what he cared the most.

Walking inside the candlelit hallway he was surprised to get to a large living room only to find you there.

The truth was that he stopped on his track to admire you. You were amazing, he adored you in any possible shape and form, everything from your clothing to your composure screamed for his eyes to be fixated onto you.

He took that moment to look at you, take in your image, last time you two spoke you were so upset and he didn’t want that to be the last image he had of you.

“I am more discreet than you when I have to do things in secret” you said and he smiled lightly

“You’re”

His admission, the tiredness of his look just paining you.

“Is this a house of your family?”

“Yes, it is my aunt’s but she is on some cruise with her husband”

He nodded quietly as he looked around moving closer to you, the candles around you making him feel like the moment was set in another time.

“You didn’t have to make an appointment to meet me”

“Well, I asked a friend for a favour, I could have paid Stevie to drive you here anyway” you answered, basically hinting him that your maid didn’t keep his little inquiring a secret between the two of you.

He nodded gulping down, he felt like he was naked in front of you, defenceless and anything you could attack him with would really hurt. 

“I though that after our last conversation we needed to speak alone and in a neutral ground, I attacked you and I know I moved past my means”

“Just like I did inquiring about your life without permission” he concluded for you, he kept thinking about that day over and over, he couldn’t take it out of his mind and he even thought it would be easy only because so many people hated him already, button you. He wished you’d never be one of them.

“Miss Y/L/N” the fact he used your last name showing how he was trying to prove you some respect, not using your first name like you’re somehow close, mostly because he doubts you’d wish him close at any time.

“All I have ever wanted was to be worth of you”

His words trembling, like snakes sliding onto your skin.

He opened his mouth to say something and he closed it as he stared somewhere away from you, he shook his head slowly. The pain visible through him.

“I am a despicable failure as a human being, I know it” he said as he rose his hand to invite your silence “I have spent my life trying to find a common language  to get through people, studying them ,making sure to be able to read human behaviour to allow myself the freedom of interaction. I am not a natural like John, I can’t just go on a group and charm my way through it and I knew, I knew from the moment you allowed me to be close to you that I would ruin it because I am such social wreck, because I can’t control myself or I can’t not follow the rules that I have been told are the right path to follow”

He let out a shaky breath as he looked down and then up at you, he was trying to hold back tears but the truth was that he cried for losing you, He cried for nights and days.

“I apologise once more, I wanted to do you right and I just overstepped you. I always admired you for your being independent and clever and I reduced you to an object with my insensitive behaviour. I always make myself strong from talking my way through people and I blindsided you when words were the most needed”

You looked at him as maybe for the first time he really throw away the mask, he really let himself speak up.

“I valued what you did for me” you blinked at him surprised, your head slightly falling on side to observe him.

He was going down the self deprecating himself hill, you could almost count how much time there was between him going down onto his arm topic. You know that was always his undisclosed weakness, how he hated it and saw himself as unlovable because imperfect.

“It is yes”

He looked at you with a frown not seeing what you mean.

“My answer for your question”

He frowned even more, what question? You could hear it resonate into his mind as he didn’t ask you anything, he came to you to apologise and…

And then he got it.

His eyes widened as he opened his mouth only to close it again.

No, he was probably misunderstanding, once more reading badly the situation.

You picked your left glove slowly taking it off to show him you were wearing his ring on your hand.

He stared at you, his hand hesitantly moving to pick yours bringing it up to his lips and resting a kiss over it, his hand holding yours as he stared up at you.

His wet eyes now unmistakable from cha closeness, the signs of his lack of sleep visible.

“In a marriage there shouldn’t be secrets, I tried to avoid something shameful for me when you allowed me to see every part of you” you admitted as you weren’t free from blame, you referred to pretend something wasn’t there rather than facing it.

He stared at you with shaky breath, as he licked his lips trying to find words.

“I love you Laszlo, I really want to be your wife”

His jaw trembled as the happiness rushed over him like electricity, his hand bringing yours over his heart beating so fast and hard that he felt it could explode.

“I love you Y/N” he whispered as you caressed his cheek with your right hand as he leaned down, still not daring to believe what was happening.

So you just did it, you leaned in closing the space between the two of you with a kiss.

The times were changed.

Women could accept wedding proposals without their father’s approval, men could cry for love and love words were made of truths and exposed weaknesses and not by the words of dusty poets. And with such strong ideals you could only imagine your life as set up for a greater kind of happiness with him.

Tagged @cazzyimagines @lieutenantn @handmaiden-of-mischief @thesunflowersutra @zemomybeloved @fictionlandslanddreams@charistory @greeneyedblondie44 @apparrio @hb8301 @whatawildone @rhymerhymerhyme  @thehuiabird @lilith-blackrose @unbeatablecurlgirl @obsidianlaszlo @alindeluce @zemosimp05 @baronesszemo-blackwood @nocapesdahling @everythingbeginsineternity-blog

[cazimagines]

I was actually thinking about Laszlo and Y/N's wedding night, either also their first time or not. If you feel like it, I'd like to read it!

Oooo I like this!

Warnings: Smut, f!reader, eating out, vaginal sex

Headcanons below the cut

- Then tension between the two of you had been immense. You both were secretly counting down the days in your head till the day came. Your wedding. You both were ecstatic for it of course. You two had been steadily courting for a few months now and when Laszlo finally popped the question you couldn't be happier. Marrying the man you loved, your best friend, the one person who had always been there for you.

- The excitement came from the thought of finally being able to unify yourself in marriage, confess how you would always love one another, never leave or fall out of love. You felt giddy imagining standing at the altar beside Laszlo, watching him say 'I do' but you would have to admit that wasn't the only thing that made you feel giddy about that day, or that night as you should say more precisely.

- You and Laszlo shot each other glances, occasionally your hand would rest longer upon his shoulder making him swallow nervously. Or he would lean to press a kiss upon your temple and his warm lips would linger there. Not wanting to pull away. It was the little things that showed the deeper feelings, desires you and Laszlo had not dared to confess to one and another. Such things were taboo to talk about, even for an Alienist. Yet the thought of finally being his, of him on top of you, the passion and lust within his eyes as he made you feel good. You craved it more than anything.

- But it made you so anxious as well. You had never done something like this before, you had hardly explored yourself knowing how disapproving people viewed it. You and Laszlo had saved yourself for marriage, for your honeymoon and you were growing increasingly worried about somehow messing up, not knowing what to do, doing something wrong or just embarrassing yourself in general.

- But little did you know Laszlo felt the same way. In times when he was separate from you, he would be flicking over his books, attempting to read all he could find for how to pleasure a woman, what he should do and what he should not do, what women expect in the bedroom. He grew more and more anxious about it, worried he'd disappoint you, or not satisfy you enough. He'd become so desperate he would even go to John for help, as he knew John had lots of experience with women. John would laugh, and then proceeded to tease Laszlo about it at first, that he had to go to John for questions and Laszlo would become deeply bashful and then lash back out at John for the particular company he chooses. But in the end, John's kind heart wins out and he does in form Laszlo all that he knew

- The wedding itself was bliss. Both you and Laszlo never felt happier and it brought you both immense happiness being surrounded by your closest friend and family who were they to celebrate you and wish you both happiness for the future. Looking into Laszlo's eye and saying 'I do' was there anything more perfect than that?

- You two finally arrived back at Laszlo's home after the long day of celebration. For tonight both Cryus and Stevie were staying over at John's house, to give you two some space they told you. Both you and Laszlo were flustered when they said that but thanked them nonetheless. Arriving at the house. Laszlo started fidgeting, rolling on the balls of his feet debating what to say. Finally, he'd offer to show you up to his bedroom which you accepted.

- Once there he would ask if you wanted him to leave to potentially get changed into something more comfortable for you, or if you just needed some space but you would stop him. Stepping closer to him, he'd become more flustered, almost avoiding your gaze due to how the thought of all this was making him feel, making him erect. His breath would hitch as you finally bring your hand up to his face and gently your lips would touch his.

- His arm instantly wrapped around your waist. Pulling you closer to him. His lips pulled back slightly, just to push themselves back onto you more desperate. Without even thinking about it the two of you backed up to the bed, and only when your legs hit the back of it and you jolted did you realise. Laszlo pulled back slightly, his cheeks a red gleam and his hand shaking slightly with nerves. He asks you if this is truly what you want and although you felt nervous yourself you whisper to him that it is.

- Slowly he pushes you onto the bed till you and lying down and he hovers about you at the foot of the bed. Carefully he tugs the shoes off your feet, and then with his hand, he pushes the wedding dress up your leg. You let out a shudder as you feel his warm breath upon your legs. Gently he places his lips upon your legs and trails kisses up them, his hand caresses the leg he wasn't kissing at that moment. You push your head back into the pillow at the feeling of his warm lips upon your legs but when he reaches halfway up your thigh he pulls back.

- Though hesitant, he leans forward a bit more and places a kiss upon your collar bone while his hand curls around your back to fumble with the clasps on your dress. Your hand tangles in his hair, stroking up but also holding his face close to your skin as he places delicate kisses upon you. It was a struggle for Laszlo though to attempt to take your dress off with one hand and he started swearing in Hungarian under his breath and became more distressed. Realising his plight, you lean up to access your back and help him with the clasps till finally they were undone and you were able to slip the main part of the wedding dress off leaving you in just a corset and underdress. Blushing in embarrassment, Laszlo thanks you for helping him with it, and then placing a kiss on your cheek he works on the corset and is able to pull it off.

- His eyes widen at the sight of your breasts coming loose, and without even thinking about it a slight moan comes from his mouth as he feels more aroused seeing it making both of you blush. You start to tug at his clothes, whispering how you wanted to see all of him as well, and though Laszlo felt very self-conscious he proceeded to tug at his clothes to pull them off. With every second that it took for him to pull his clothes off, he grew more embarrassed at suddenly halting this passionate exchange. When finally exposing his arm he looked you in the eyes, making sure you were still happy and sensing how he felt, you landed forward to place kisses upon his arm making him shudder.

- When he got to his trousers, once again he hesitated for a moment, nervous for you would be the first person to ever see him like this, but looking in your warm eyes he trusted you and finally he pulled off his slacks leaving his completely nude. You pulled him into another passionate kiss which he sighed happily into and his hands skirted you your underskirt till you had to break away from the kiss to pull it over you, now leaving you naked.

- You leaned back on the bed, unsure what Laszlo was planning to do from here, but he sunk back further down the bed, pressing kisses back on your legs. Back in his mind, he tried to remember all the books he read about this, all that John had told him and gathering his courage he moves his way up to your core. It felt nice feeling Laszlo's beard brush against your skin, but you gasped when you suddenly felt his hot breath upon your core and when you suddenly felt his tongue flicker onto that one sensitive spot on you, your whole world was rocked.

- Determined to deliver mounds of pleasure to you, Laszlo's tongue danced all over your core, flicking and twisting upon your clit, licking up your strip, even pushing into you. It made him overjoyed hearing the moans coming from you, which he was causing. He started thrusting his tongue in and out of you, his bread scratching your sensitive core and making you rock your hips upon him. Your gasping picked up till finally, barely able to alert him, you came all over his face. He lapped it up like a good boy, and finally, when he pulled back you were blushing like mad seeing it all caught in his beard but Laszlo smiled at you, leaning towards your ear and whispering 'divine

- He swallowed anxiously though, knowing now what was to come. He pressed a kiss upon your lips again as he lined himself up with you, and slowly, for yours and his sake, he pushed into you. Both of you gasped at the feeling of it, how he slid into you, how warm you were, how large he was. Your foreheads leaned together as you both grew used to the feeling. He's whisper to you, asking if you were okay and when you nodded, slowly he would pull out of you to thrust back into you again.

- He set a slow pace, not wanting to hurt you or be too rough, but he treasured the feeling of what it felt like to be inside you. It was a feeling he'd never want to leave him. It was intoxicating for him, addictive, and his head would rest on the crook of your neck, kissing it as he paced his thrusts. You weren't sure what to do with your hands and so you tangled them in his hair, occasionally pulling at it gently.

- Slowly his thrusts became more erratic as your own moaning picked up, and eventually, he pushes into you, the furthest he could go as he moans at his own release, which was quickly followed by yours. For the next few moments, you just held each other, treasuring the feeling and the deeper connection the two of you both had. Eventually, he pulls out and scrambles to find a cloth to help clean you up. Finally after that the two of your settle into bed, the first night of a married couple. Gently he places another kiss upon your lips, tucking a loose bit of hair behind your ear.

- "You mean the world to me, my darling" he whispers to you as he wraps his good arm around you and pulls you into his warm body. Slowly the two of you drifted off to sleep within each other's embrace, finding comfort in each other which you had never experienced before.

TAGS: @wonderwoman292 @justreadingficsdontmindme @thehuiabird@shrekboobies @arianalilyblack @handmaiden-of-mischief @kadeuuijib @lieutenantn @neoarchipelago @cable-kenobi @edencherries @faustlyaccused @julyvegan @prestigious-tea @hannahbal-the-fannibal @my-blood-is-maple-syrup @competitivepomegranate @welcometothemxdhouse @flutterskies @rumblelibrary @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123 @sky-writes-stuff @rhinestxn-e @davianos-blog @everythingbeginsineternity-blog @mysticalexpertdaze @mywinterivy @bruhidaniel @the-webkinz-killer @xxlumos @cathana2264 @ajokeformur-ray @nev3rfound @unbeatablecurlgirl @barnesxnobles @une-lueur-dans-la-nuit

[ontheoddoccasioniwritestuff]

Mystery Writer (Spencer Reid x Reader)

Summary: Spencer finds books at a second hand bookstore that are annotated and he falls the person writing the notes. 

AN: This was part of a fic swap on @imagining-in-the-margins​ server! This is for the marvellous @definitelynotkatesblog​ <3 I really hope you like it! I had to delete the original post because it didn't show up in the tags. This will be staying up regardless of that now.

Masterlist

Your name: submit What is this?

“If you need anything, just let me know!”

Spencer pressed his lips together at the person behind the till before heading deeper into the rows of second-hand books. Familiar titles, old and new, printed on spines in various states of pristine/decay, they tempted him to select and bring them home with him. The clear sections between biographies and fiction guided him deeper into the forest, deeper into finding his way out. He was hoping to adopt one such book for a day off, when he could revisit it with a fresh eye. It would be like seeing an old friend again, remembering why they were friends in the first place with a hint of that initial read through from years ago, and perhaps he would learn something new in the process.

A dull ache in his chest at the sight of The Sign of Four by Arthur Conan Doyle. But he had long since recovered from that heartbreak and he would be able to read this story without feeling that again.

Still. It had been several years since he read this book.

His nervous fingers plucked it off the shelf and the pages fell open for him. A flattened gum wrapper parted the pages like the Red Sea. Spencer lifted it out tentatively. Its creases were ironed in from its role as a temporary bookmark, an impression of scribbled black ink flattened after it was made.

Spencer’s eyes scanned over the page in search of what this gum wrapper might have been guarding.

“Women are never to be entirely trusted – not the best of them.”

In the margins was scribbled:

Product of the time, but still a prick, rude smartarse role a bit dull

Spencer found himself exhaling in light laughter. That a lack of empathy was considered “dull” by this person, when it was something he dealt with in his job almost every day. The confidence in this commentary too, this brazen critique of a much beloved fictional character was left for someone else to find.

His gaze found Watson’s opinion of Holmes’ casual sexism: “atrocious sentiment”. It was circled twice in the same black biro.

Spencer dug his thumb against the text block and flicked through the book. A waft of that book smell lifted from the paper, accompanied by the bold notes of the previous owner dotted across the text until he finally landed on the reverse of the front cover. Two letters – initials - were scratched onto it.

It was with bridled exhilaration that Spencer approached the till and held up the book with a half-smile. His hands were quick to place it down on the counter so that the shop assistant could type the price into the till. His mood was apparently palpable because they seemed just as happy as Spencer to hand him back the novel in a brown paper bag – the receipt tucked inside.

 --->--->--->--->--->

 “Love is an emotional thing, and whatever emotional is opposed to what is true, cold reason, which I place above all things. I should never marry myself, lest I bias my judgement.”  

What a lonely existence and also a lie. See: entire relationship w/ Dr. Watson!

Spencer smiled at this comment. Now all the other instances of a double underlining made sense. Each one produced itself in his mind as evidence that Mr Sherlock Holmes did in fact love. Maybe not marry, but it would have been terribly unconventional for him to wed Doctor John Watson. The unknown author seemed to understand this. They never emphasised if this love was platonic or romantic. But the way in which they proved love existed within this character oft portrayed as emotionless, Spencer simply adored. They were a romantic reader, who still enjoyed reading about the cynic

He grew quite aware of his posture in that moment and he straightened his back. A few clicks of complaint emitted as he stretched, his head twisting from side to side. Screwing his eyes open and shut behind his glasses, he revisited your deduction.

On the dot of the “i” in “lie”, there was a sprinkle of graphite around the indent from where a pencil’s lead had snapped from the effort put into topping off this point. A sprinkle of graphite smudged where the pages pressed together.

Spencer moved on to where a sentence in black biro tried to blend in with the printed words. A memory appeared at the front of his mind: when Rossi was bewildered to learn Spencer and Dr. Alex Blake wrote the newspaper crossword in pen.

The pencil markings were like mini brainstorms, something to revisit and make a solid theory with the black biro. But the planning was never rubbed out.

Little quotes were circled. This mystery critic spent half the book roasting the characters and the other half leaving little exclamation marks and circles around phrases and words when they couldn’t think of something to say. Spencer found it sweet, picturing the thrilling unfolding of events for the reader to revisit.

His heart ached in bittersweet memory as he recalled the contents of Dr Alex Blake’s book The Route of Linguistics. It was necessary pain to create a profile of who this mystery critic was. Yes, he was profiling out of work hours. His evenings were now spent trying to picture the voice behind the notes. The sarcasm, the witty blows to the character’s and author’s ego. He almost wished that he couldn’t read so fast because he finished the book, even with its additional notations, all too quickly. But there was one bonus.

Spencer traced the pad of his fingertip over the exclamation marks describing Mary Morstan. What else might a detractor of the great Sherlock Holmes read?

--->--->--->--->---> 

He had returned to the bookshop in favour of adopting another. Yet he could not find one that satisfied his unknown criteria. It was not until he found himself checking the front pages of the fifth book he had selected, that he realised he was looking for a pair of initials.

Sighing, he placed My Dear Bessie, with its empty front page, back on the shelf. The chances of finding another book containing this mystery critic were so minute. He could probably calculate them if he wanted to dedicate himself to such a disheartening statistic. He’d rather not spend his lunch break doing that, as much as he loved statistics. This once, they did not assure his safety and he remained unsupported by the fact that he could not find any other Arthur Conan Doyle books.

His desperation became most apparent when he thought that perhaps fate should just decide for him. If anything, he would come away with a random book to read through in about ten minutes on a flight back home.

He peeked around the corner of the shelves. The shop assistant at the till was busy writing something down, not paying any mind to the shop’s only customer.

“A random shot had no better odds than just picking books off one by one” is what he told himself as he closed his eyes and placed his fingers on the end of the shelf, just over the first book’s spine. In an “S” pattern, his arm moved up and down, over the books and shelves and gaps between units. His feet stepped forwards into the space he knew was clear.

Spencer stopped and opened his eyes, his finger shifting just an inch out of the way of his new book’s title.

Circe. Madeline Miller.

He tapped the top and the book fell forwards, where he caught it. Its shining dust jacket was serving its purpose, a few tears along the edges from where it had protected the hardcover. He checked the front page. A map of Aiaia in orange and brown filled it to the corners. On the next page, his heart stuttered at the sight of two initials in the same handwriting and the same biro. There was also a scribble - invisible to start with then a ball of black.

The first page with the story’s text held a scribble just above its opening line:

the power of the name

“When I was born, the name for what I was did not exist.”

He could see that the first was in a blunt pencil, but the addition was a sharpened point carving into the paper. A secondary thought that was provided after completing the novel, they had added it. Spencer lifted it to his face, his eyes crossing to keep the stipple in focus. The scent of the paper and the graphite reached him easily; the note must have been made just before Circe was gifted to him. How lucky he was to find such a treasure.

The shop assistant was cutting out a new sign for “BUY ONE GET ONE HALF PRICE!”. By the time Spencer made it to them, the sign was placed upon the pile besides him. The shop assistant smoothed out a crease on the dust jacket, ineffectively but Spencer admitted the gesture. He was glad that someone who loved books as much as him got to work in a place like this.

--->--->--->--->--->

Spencer’s mind, definitely for worse, echoed the words off the tabloids around his head the split second he made eye contact with the headlines. He paced the shelves to somewhere a little quieter. When he found the chocolate aisle, he pretended to peruse. Ever half a minute or so, his gaze drifted up to the till area where the shop owner was on a phone call and clearly not paying attention to him.

It was not long before Spencer grew bored of looking at KitKats, and he pulled out One Thousand And One Nights. The book’s pages fell again to page 57. This shop’s receipt stood above them, still holding its place from the previous owner. It felt wrong to part the two.

No new people had entered this corner shop for 8 minutes. He’d even given the time at the receipt’s end a fifteen-minute margin either side. Given that this mystery critic took a break from work at the same time on the same day of the week – and that they worked during the day – he should have seen them. Maybe he had, and they were that man in the baggy hoodie who stunk of weed. Probably not. Hopefully not. Not that Spencer was judging him for his… recreational activities. He just wanted the mystery critic to be someone he could realistically spend time with.

Just then, Spencer’s phone trilled annoyingly loud. He received a glare from the shop manager and Spencer sent an awkward apologetic expression his way before answering JJ quickly.

“Spencer, we’ve got a case. We need you here ASAP.”

His response was immediate. “Ok, be there in ten.” Hanging up, Spencer dithered on the spot then grabbed a packet of Cheetos. He’d been there for nearly twenty minutes; he had to get something.

“Three dollars,” the manager said before returning to his call. But not before he rolled his eyes at Spencer. Spencer dropped the bills onto the counter and dashed out before he could be offered a receipt.

--->--->--->--->---> 

  An outlier in the usual length of case work had passed by in five long days. Spencer hardly ever regretted the time he put into this job. Every unsub caught was lives saved. But the absence of his mystery commentator had been niggling at the back of his busy mind and he was glad to finally reunite with them on this long flight back.

From his satchel, he recovered the copy of One Thousand And One Nights and began rereading the notes to ground himself in the story. His focus lingered on the page as if he were reading it at the average 250 words per minute. It allowed him to block out the humming of the engine.

Spencer did not take his eyes off the page as he pulled open his desk drawer and popped a piece of overpriced gum into his mouth. Half-hearted reminders bounced in his head, from when he tried smoking and chewing gum to ease his cravings. The fruit flavour was very clearly artificial and it faded within six minutes. Why his mystery critic would pick such a pathetic packet of gum to chew, he didn’t know. But hopefully the fact of its flavour disappearing fast would mean they get through the packet quicker and buy another soon. Even if today, and the days before, spent in that shop did not lean in favour of that hypothesis.

--->--->--->--->--->

The Five People You Meet In Heaven was in the Recently Donated pile. It was near the top, slid towards the edge of the container after being placed wonkily on a copy of some sports autobiography.

Within the pages was more than Spencer could have ever hoped for. Entire paragraphs were circled, quotes underlined. A squashed mini post-it note tabbed the page and a whole paragraph was scrawled on it, about Tala. An arrow pointing to the underside, Spencer lifted the flap and saw more to read, like an interactive pop-up book that he’d gotten Henry for his second birthday. Spencer closed his eyes quick and snapped the book shut. He wanted to save it for when he was sitting comfortably, not while he was rushing back to work in time for JJ to get to her lunch break on time.

The shop assistant had just clipped the lid back onto a green highlighter when Spencer drew up to their counter. With careful fingers, he placed the book upon it. There was a twitch of the assistant’s mouth; their eyes brightened. They looked like they wanted to say something, but something else held them back from making the first move. Spencer recognised it from his school days.

“It’s a good read.” He spoke after they had typed the price into the till.

“I know,” The assistant replied instantly, a relieved smile on their lips, “What part are you on?”

“I’ve already read it, but I wanted to revisit the passage at the diner.”

“Ahh, that’s a good bit. One of my favourites.”

Spencer’s eyebrows furrowed a fraction of an inch. His gaze dropped to the nametag on the left side of their chest. Y/N, their name’s first initial. It couldn’t be.

“What did you think about the final person, Tala?”

“Oh,” The shop assistant clutched at their heart, “I was an emotional wreck before and it hit me hard just as the rest did. So bittersweet to hear her forgiveness. It took me a few times to finish reading the end, but it was all worth it.”

He couldn’t be this lucky, to get this many books from the same person and to have them standing in front of him. Spencer didn’t believe in luck.

As he reached across for his new book, he turned over the cover, “Was this yours?”

Twisting their head around to read the publication details, the assistant – Y/N - smiled sheepishly at the initials. “Yes, and I’m glad to see it go to a new home.”

Apparently luck believed in him.

“But,” Spencer felt his brows knit automatically as he looked between the book and their previous owner, “You love it. I-I’ve seen your notes.”

A hand clapped over Y/N’s mouth, “Oh God, you must have. I mean, it wasn’t the intention initially, but I thought they might be a little entertaining for anyone who picks it up to leave them in there.”

“Oh, they were! I’d love to read more of your thoughts. Hear, hear them, if you wouldn’t mind.”

Y/N checked the door to the shop, still shut, and back to Spencer. They dropped their elbows onto the countertop with their chin in their palms. “What did you wanna know?”

From his bag, Spencer procured his – their – copy of The Sign of Four and flicked through the pages. So many places to choose, but he wanted to open with what had introduced him to Y/N’s analysis.

The pair put their heads together, leaning on the counter. Spencer could smell the chewing gum on their breath. Y/N never cut him off, and he never wanted to cut them off. There were little pauses at the end of each of their turns to speak before the other picked up where they had left off. Their voices leapt from secretive whispers to passionate orations of their favourite passages, rebounding evidence and analysis off each other like a bouncy ball. Spencer finally had a voice to put to the sarcasm, the one his mind had conjured long forgotten in the wake of Y/N’s enthusiasm.

The shop’s door swung open. Spencer leapt to attention as an older woman swept in, past the two of them towards the non-fiction section. Y/N adjusted their name tag, their back straight too. The clock behind the till announced that it was now twenty minutes after the end of Spencer’s lunch break.

Running on the rush of his hobby meeting a potential friend, Spencer asked, “Can I get your number? So we can talk more, maybe swap some more books, when you’re not working?”

His luck was still by his side as Y/N wrote out their number on his receipt, written in their infamous black biro.

--->--->--->--->---> 

  Spencer leapt over to the door of his apartment, took a deep breath, and unlocked it. Stood behind where it had been was Y/N and they too were still wearing the uniform from work. Their nametag was still on their polo shirt, the same spot that Spencer wore his FBI tag.

“Can I get you a drink?” He asked the second they made a step inside his abode.

“Tea would be great. Milk and one sugar please.”

And while he was in the kitchen, Y/N rushed over to the bookshelves, their eyes wide to take in Spencer’s collection. “Oh wow! You weren’t joking!” Their finger indicated to a hard cover copy of Mean Time by Carol Ann Duffy, “That’s one of mine. Well, yours now.”

Plucking it from the shelf, they opened it up. Spencer had written his initials beside theirs.

Spencer stuck his head out in the partition, “Ours. If we’re going to be sharing.” Y/N stood on tiptoes, teeming with delight, their hands cradling the book with all the care Spencer could hope for in a fellow reader. Joint custody of their books and their passion? What a dream.

“I just have to write a little more about the epilogue, and I’ll be with you,” Y/N took their place on his couch. A pencil began scribbling away their thoughts onto the last few pages. Their knees were their desk.

Spencer finished brewing and placed the mug in front of Y/N, who mumbled a quick thank you to him. He joined them in writing his final notes. It slowed him down a considerable amount, but he was glad to take things at a casual pace, especially considering the way that Y/N almost broke their pencil as they scrawled out their thoughts for Spencer to hear later.

“Have you thought about the next one you’d like to try?” Spencer asked tentatively. He wasn’t so sure if Y/N would want to be interrupted.

Luckily for him, Y/N paused their stream of consciousness to look back at his books, “Hmm. So much to choose from.”

Stood up, their book left in Spencer’s care. They took a deep breath, closed their eyes and used their forefinger to draw a zigzag over the spines. Spencer felt that he was almost sick with joy.

Y/N stilled their wandering hand and opened their eyes, already drawing out the selected novel, “This one.”

“And what have you chosen for me next time?”

Y/N handed over The Butterfly Lion from their bag, “Ok, I can’t wait any longer, what do you think?”

They sat back on the couch. Their legs now hung over the arm of the couch, elbows either side and face cupped in their palms. The book rested in their lap. Shifting so that he faced them completely, Spencer returned to the first page and his analysis began.

[babybluebex]

could you write about the danny bunch getting jealous?

oh goodness jealousy is NOT a foreign concept to any of these men

alex kerner would not suffer in silence. if he was jealous, he would Let You Know. "i don't like the way that guy was looking at you," he'd say and you'd melt a little "aw, alex, are you a little jealous?" "yknow? yeah, i am. is that a bad thing?" and you'd kiss his nose and tell him that, no, it's not a bad thing, not to you, and that you rather like it, actually.

andrea marowski is the opposite end of the spectrum. if he gets jealous, he'd just clam up and retreat into himself. like, at the pub, if you were dancing and laughing with another man, he would clasp his hands together and furrow his eyebrows and try to forget the image, because he so greatly wishes that he was the one that was making you laugh.

niki lauda doesn't easily get jealous because he's niki fucking lauda, he can get any woman he wants, and he usually does. the only time he gets jealous is if you're talking to hunt, because he knows hunt's track record. he'd grab your arm and tug you away from hunt and grab you and kiss you all angry-like "i don't want you talking to hunt, don't you get that?" "you worried he'll steal me away?" and he just nods and kisses you again

laszlo kreizler understands the emotions and real reasons behind jealousy, and that only makes his green envy all the more embarrassing to him. he won't let it show in the moment, but, later that night, at home, he'd admit to you that he wasn't all too keen with the way that john was talking to you at dinner. he would avoid eye contact as he told you and try to rationalize it away, but you just hug him and kiss him and assure him that you're with him and not john for a reason.

schmidt's jealousy has its limits. like, yeah, he'll get jealous a lot, being cooped up on the station, but everyone's emotions run pretty high all the time up there. he gets used to the constant ball of fire in his belly because he would rather you NOT flirt and laugh with volkov, but he knows that there's nothing he can do about it without causing more unneeded animosity. he'll tell you about it after the fact as a joke like "you know, it makes me a little jealous sometimes when you flirt with volkov" and it's just you silly science man i only have eyes for you

daniel brühl gets jealous so, so easily. because of his job, he's always surrounded by amazing workers, talented actors, and beautiful people, and he gets a bit insecure at times. he worries sometimes that he's not enough for you, and that manifests in a bit of jealousy when you visit set. at the same time, though, he KNOWS that he is also one of those talented and beautiful people, so he calms himself down from that jealousy pretty easily.

[ilove-cedricdiggory]

'M not going anywhere.

Remus x Reader

Requested? - It's part 3!

Summary - After leaving Remus, you found yourself with family in the horribly hot state of Texas. What can come of you now? With friends with worries the size of the state and a heart almost as broken as they come, what on earth can you do with yourself with the man shows up - only, in his werewolf state?

Trigger Warning - cursing, mentions of abortion

Guide - (y/m/n) - Your middle name

This one has a lot of backstory in it, fair warning! It's not super action filled, but the next chapter will be up soon!

When you met Remus, you were in school with him. You had known all about the infamous Maurauders and their love for trouble, but didn't really see much of them. Well, you thought you hadn't. You had seen each of them separately, James was in potions with you, Sirius had been in Care of Magical Creatures with you, Peter in Transfiguration, but Remus, well, you didn't think you had him in anything until 4th year. Separately, you thought they were all good people, kind to you in classes, funny when the lesson was droning on, and calm enough to let you get your notes finished within reasonable time.

By fourth year, you had gotten used to each of the three boys separately. When you met Remus in Charms, hanging out with him as a Prefect while walking through the hallways, then outside of your duties together and with the rest of your friends, it came as a surprise at how different he acted with the three boys.

He was always so incredibly kind, so beautiful with his words to you, so when your feelings for him grew substantially, it didn't seem to surprise you. But, when he actually asked you out in fifth year, with the major confirmation of his friends that, yes, Moony, she's crazy for you! Everyone besides you can see it! Just ask her!, You found yourself speechless.

The Remus Lupin liked you back, and was asking you to your own date this Saturday. Then another one in the Astronomy tower on Tuesday night while everyone else was at dinner. Then Friday at the quidditch game, he asked if you'd sit next to him during the game where he actually held your hand.

Date after date after date had you grinning from ear to ear when he finally asked you to be his girlfriend. Kiss after kiss after kiss had you falling in love with him a little bit more each time you pulled apart and opened your eyes just a second before he did, seeing his face in pure bliss.

When you both finally did admit your love for each other was the day you admitted you had known about Moony long before he told you - which had been on your fourth date on the quidditch pitch, laying on a blanket under the stars.

"I love the stars. Something so far away can still shine that bright." You mumbled, cuddling closer to his warm frame. He was always so warm.

"I don't care much for the night." He admitted, his voice a mumble.

"Remus John Lupin, why on earth do you not like the night? It's so peaceful and breathtaking. The night gives you unlimited possibilities." You had now turned to your side, your elbow propping your head up as you tangled your legs with his.

"You wanna know the truth?" he asked you, which had honestly surprised you. Of course you wanted to know the truth. "Well, why would I want you to lie to me, Rem? Especially about something that you don't care for." Your right hand lifted to run through his hair, fluffing it and leaving it sticking up slightly.

"I don't like the moon." You nodded, showing you were listening to him. "It controls me." He whispered, closing his eyes.

"How does the moon control you?" You knew the answer to your own question, having put two and two together in your fourth year, the night he had swapped prefect duties with the Ravenclaw boy he was just telling you he didn't trust the week before. When you had arrived back in your room, feeling a little hurt at his actions, you looked out your window to see the full moon shining down on the earth, it's glow filling up a bit of the forbidden forest enough for you to see a few creatures running along the sides. A stag, a dog, and a rat? Then you heard it, the long howl filling the quiet. Somehow, you're not sure exactly how, but it all clicked in you faster than you could have blinked.

Prongs - A stag. Padfoot - A dog. Wormtail - A rat. And most importantly, Moony - A werewolf.

You didn't ever bring it up, but with each month, pieces fell right into place. Now, you laid with the man himself, holding his deepest secret in your heart without him even knowing you held it.

"Y/n, as much as I wish I didn't have to tell you this, if I want our relationship to get anywhere, I know I have to." He sighed, his eyes staying closed, refusing to see your reaction. "I'm a werewolf." You let out a fake gasp, your hand leaving his hair to trace one of the scars on his forehead.

"I- I'm sorry." You whispered, your eyes staying on his. "You're sorry you don't wanna date me anymore?" He quizzed you, finally opening his eyes to face you. This caused you to let out a small chuckle, shaking your head. "Rem, why on earth would I not wanna date you anymore?" Your hand moved back to his hair, your nails scratching softly at his scalp. "I could hurt you, y/n." He spoke, his voice soft and full of fear.

"Remus, you've known me for a year now. You could have hurt me any other full moon, what would us dating change? It's not like I'm going to follow you out into the woods when you shift. It's not like I'm going to go out searching for you when you are out in your wolf form. It means I'd get to kiss each wound when you come back. It means I'd get to hold you in my arms and read to you every once in a while. It means I'd get to go on cute dates and make you bake with me in the kitchens. You being a wolf doesn't change anything." You shrugged nonchalantly, smiling up at him.

That night, Remus kissed you. He kissed you almost a thousand times. He kissed you so much that, when you woke up the next morning, your lips were still swollen.

After you and Remus had really been a couple for a while, you had realized how much he loved to sniff you. You didn't know if it was the Remus in him, or the Moony in him, but it didn't really bother you. You loved smelling him, why would it be so weird if he smelled you? If you were cuddling, his nose would burry in your hair, or your neck, or your chest, and he'd slowly inhale your scent to calm himself down.

If you were walking down the hallways, he bring your intertwined hands to lay a soft kiss on it before inhaling your scent, kissing it once more, then bringing them back down to sway as you walked.

If he had a horrible day, a bad full moon, or just felt off, he'd search the entire grounds until he found you, look your right in your eyes as he walked right to you, grab you by your waist, and pull you into him to hug you as tightly as he could, inhaling your intoxicating scent for himself.

This had caused you to start leaving a piece of your clothing in the bag they took with them when he turned, so he'd have something with him he could smell that reminded him of you. You were never sure if it helped or not, you never asked him and he never brought it up, but it gave you a sense of comfort each full moon.

But now, standing in front of the wolf himself, watching as his snout lifted into the air and took a deep inhale, well, it didn't exactly comfort you.

Which is why, with your eyes set on him, you reached down and into your boot, gripping onto the end of your wand, before pulling up and sending out two purple balls of light, each of them shooting into both of the houses around you.

This hadn't fazed him, for his eyes were still set on you, as he took a step closer. Before you had time to react, a dog had shot infront of you, growling at the creature before you. Right as he stepped, Moony bent down and growled at Sirius, but his a tone deeper and dripping with a warning.

It must have surprised Sirius, for he whimpered and stepped backwards, closer to your frame, which didn't help his case for Moony then snapped at him, stepping closer to him.

"Sirius, get behind Y/n." Your grandfather had stepped out his face door in a rush, his eyes taking in the scene before him. "Sirius, get behind Y/n and get into the house." Sirius whined at the older man, not wanting to leave you alone.

"Lily is in labor." You called to the man, watching him nod. "Sirius, if you run six blocks east, there is a small cottage. It's blue with white shutters on the left side. That's the healer closest to us. She'll come." This got Sirius to move, quickly rushing out of the gated yards.

"Now, y/n, he's not going to hurt you. I've only ever seen this once, but he recognizes your scent and the scent of your kids. It's kinda like he's sensing a mate with you because of your kids. Just stay calm. I'm surprised he hasn't already tackled you to the ground. Just, slowly sit down and let him come to you."

The last thing you expected of this night was the situation at hand, but now, you were sitting on the cold rocks, slightly shivering, your best friend in labor in the house behind you, watching your financé (?) slowly walk towards you, almost like Moony was afraid to frighten you.

He leaned down on all fours before he lowered his head into your lap, inhaling your scent deeply before letting it rest fully on your legs. His nose rested right at your belly bump, rubbing it slightly on your clothed stomach before letting out a sigh of relief.

You looked up at your grandfather, seeing him watching you intently. "Don't move, not that he'll let you. I will bring out a few pillows and a blanket for you. I'll make sure the healer helps Lily." You nodded, your eyes now moving to look down at Moony.

You hadn't ever seen him in his wolf state, but he somehow still looked handsome. His eyes were now closed, his body relaxed as he soaked in your scent.

"What do you mean, you're not joining the Order?" Remus yelled at you, his face red with fury. There were very few times Remus was this angry with you, usually when you had been neglecting yourself of necessities. But, this time, he was raging in fury with your absolute denial to join the war.

"Remus, I'm just saying I'm not going to go out and fight! Molly doesn't! I'm going to stay back and help where I'm needed. There are tons of you going to fight, I'm staying back to take care of everyone that doesn't go on the missions! What do you want from me?! I wasn't good at defensive spells, I wasn't good at duels! Do you want me to go out there and fucking die?" This caused him to quiet down, your fury having grown substantially.

The two of you sat in silence for a few moments, allowing you both to calm down. "I don't want you to die. I would kill myself if you ended up dying on one of the missions." Remus' voice was soft and full of fear now. "Then why do you want me to go out there and fight, Rem? You are the one that saw me up past midnight trying to learn the defensive spells so often. You're the one I made duel with me night after night to try to improve. You of all people know that I couldn't properly protect myself or anyone else if I went."

He nodded, hating to admit that you were right. He had even told you, seventh year, "Baby, I love you, but you're definitely not getting your excellent mark on this. You'll pass, but barely." You had been much more skilled in potions and herbology, not in the defensive skills.

"I just, I can't stand the idea of you being back home if the order gets attacked. I know that's stupid, I know that's irrational, it's much more dangerous to actually be out there, I'm just scared." It hurt your heart to hear him admit how scared he was, but, you all were scared. You were growing up in a war that shouldn't be yours to fight.

"Remus, while I stink at my defensive skills, have you seen Molly Weasley? The woman survives on defensive skills, all her kids figuring out how to moderately work their magic. I think I'm safer with her than with you." This caused him to break into a small smile, but wrap you up tightly in his arms. "You're not safer with anyone else but me. I'd murder Voldemort himself before he touched you." You gasped at the use of his name, turning to eye the love of your life. "You said his name." You whispered, your eyes wide. "Well, I'd use his name to his face if it kept you out of harm's way."

You had dozed off a bit, your head laying back on the pillow Sirius had brought you, having gawked at the wolf fast asleep in your hold. "We always knew your scent calmed him, it always did when you gave him some of your clothes, but this? I'd never thought I'd live to see the day Moony didn't try to attack whoever was in front of him."

You had only been awoken by James, tapping on your shoulder. You jerked awake, seeing Moony still asleep in your hold. "Lily had the baby, a girl. They're both up in our room, but she wanted me to come tell you and check up on you." He eyed Moony warily, fear still evident in his body, worried the wolf would awake and tear you to shreds. "I'm so glad. Did everything go okay?" Your voice was a whisper, not wanting to wake the wolf either.

"Yeah, the healer said she did great. Hardly needed the help." James sat down beside you, but scooted a foot away from you when Moony growled in his sleep, the foreign scent mixing with yours. "It's weird, seeing him like this. All the nights we were out there with him, trying to keep him from tearing into Hogwarts and keep him away from you when it's apparently all he needed." James shook his head, attempting to remove the shock from his head.

"I don't think he needs me anymore." You whispered. While it hurt you to say, you honestly believed it. The man let you leave without a sliver of doubt. He watched you walk out of the home you built together, taking his kids with you.

"Y/n, he searched the world until he found you, of course he needs you." James didn't say anything about you needing to forgive him, about you needing to hear him out, because he didn't think Remus deserved that. He just knew that Remus did need you. "He should be shifting back soon. I brought out some of his clothes I found in your stuff." He gestured to the pile of clothes beside the both of you before standing up.

"When you guys get inside, Lily would love for you to come in and meet her." You smiled at that, nodding. "It would be my honor."

You laid back down, listening to the morning sounds slowly begin, until you felt the movement under you, watching for your own eyes as Remus shifted back into himself. He groaned, the pain filling his frame once more within 12 hours, the sounds of his groans bringing tears to your eyes.

Once he was fully to himself, his eyes opened and met yours, widening. "What?" He asked softly, his gaze not leaving yours. You reached over, grabbing the clothes brought out for him before dropping them on his chest. He sat up without another word, removing his body from yours and beginning to get dressed.

He stood, pulling the boxers and pants on as you stood yourself. You grabbed the pillows and blankets, waiting until he began to pull on the sweater before rushing inside, hoping to escape the looming conversation.

You set the things down in the living room before slowly creeping up the stairs and towards the room with Lily and James, hearing a soft and small cry emitting from it. You knocked softly, hearing the "come in" before you creaked open the door. "Hey you four." You whispered, seeing Harry fast asleep on James' chest.

"Y/n, thank Merlin." Lily spoke, her eyes welling with tears at the sight of you. "I was so worried. I didn't know what happened." You smiled, walking closer to the woman. "It's all okay, it's a long story, but it's all okay." You walked closer until you were at the edge of the bed, looking down at Lily and the beautiful baby girl.

"Take her." Lily whispered, looking up at you. "What?" you asked, your eyes wide. "You're gonna need the practice, take her." You nodded, slowly grabbing the baby from Lily, coddling her to your chest.

"Y/n!" You heard Remus call before turning into the room, staring at you holding the baby. "You had her?" Remus now asked Lily, smiling widely. "Mhm, last night. Looks like two people decided to make an entrance." Lily laughed, smiling at you.

"She's beautiful." You whispered, your eyes having stayed on the baby in yours arms. "What's her name?" You looked down at Lily, now seeing James awake and looking at you. "Well, we wanted to confirm with you, but we wanted to name her Harley y/m/n Potter." You gasped softly, looking down at the two parents.

"Are you sure?" They both nodded before you finished speaking, "More than sure." Your tears fell freely as you looked down at the baby, seeing her now asleep in your warm hold. "I'd be honored."

Remus had now walked to you, standing behind you as he looked down, his eyes set on you holding the baby girl, pregnant with his own kids. His gaze moved to the ceiling, holding in tears before he glanced at the bed, seeing James glaring daggers into his frame.

"Here, I'm gonna go freshen up. She's absolutely beautiful, guys." You carefully handed Harley back to her mom before quickly walking out of their room, but stopping a few steps away to hear James speak.

"Fucking prat, there the fuck you are! Where have you been?!" His voice was harsh, angry at his best mate. "Looking for her, what else! The second she left Molly's, I've been looking!" Remus' voice was scratchy like it was every morning after a turn.

"Yeah, well, you're a dick." Lily spoke up, still looking down at her baby girl. "I still think Sirius should have punched you harder." Remus nodded, looking at the floor.

"I can't believe I said that to her, guys. What the fuck kind of person am I?" His voice was growing rougher, his eyes swelling with tears. "Don't go on about this with us, mate. You're in the same house as her, go tell her." That caused you to walk off quickly, moving to your room, shutting the door and leaning against it.

Your hands wrapped around your belly, bringing you back to the day you apparated out of Molly's living room, having held your stomach the same way, protecting your children. What on earth do you say to him? What did you want from him?

You weren't sure what the answer was to either of those questions, which is why you quickly left your room and slipped into the bathroom. He couldn't talk to you if you were in the shower. You confirmed you had your bathroom items before jumping into the shower, taking the longest shower you had ever taken in your life.

While you stood, shampoo in your hair, you thought.

What if he still doesn't want them? I'd have to stay here. I'd move in fully and live in Texas. Texas, really? It's so fucking hot and I'd miss snow. Then I'd move in with Molly. Nope, no way, there are already 7 kids there, she does not need two more. Then, James and Lily? Nope. She just had another newborn, there was no way you'd bug them with this. Sirius. That's where you'd go. He had tons of space and you're sure he'd be more than okay with you there.

But, what if he changed his mind? What if he did want them? How could you trust that? How could you possibly believe he'd want them after immediately suggesting they be gotten rid of?

As you applied the conditioner, you wished you could just go back to the easier things. The happier things. The things that had you almost thinking you lived in a world not plagued with pending war.

Five years after graduation. You were sitting in Remus' lap at James and Lily's place, still getting used to Peter not being around. Harry now being two had you all more than happy, listening to his vocabulary grow.

The football game was on, the muggle TV playing as Lily still attempted to explain it to Sirius and James. Remus had his arms around you, his gaze no longer on the TV, but on Harry as he played on the floor with his stuffed dragon. "I can't believe you got him a muggle toy." He laughed in your ear, the smile evident on his face. "Well, he loves Dragons! I couldn't not buy it." You smiled at your boyfriend, kissing his nose softly. The night carried on, the five of you playing a few games of sharades, but you exiting the room to grab the next plate of sliders to bring into the room.

As you sat back down, Harry walked up to you, sat in your lap, and grabbed your face. "Mawwy me." He giggled softly, your eyebrows furrowing as Lily quickly yanked him from your lap, nervously chuckling. "Hah, sorry, don't know where that came from" You looked around the room, all four faces refusing to look at you, all of them nervously laughing along with Lily.

"Did Harry just ask me to marry him?" You watched as they glanced around nervously before breaking out, talking over each other. "What, psh, no way." "Where would he have learned how to do that?" "I didn't hear that, did you hear that?" "No, but I did." All talked stopped, everyone looking at Remus. "What did you just say?"

Remus took a deep breath, moving off the couch and turning to look at you, before bending down onto one knee. "I've been talking to them a lot about how I was going to ask you, but seeing as how Harry beat me to the punch, let's do it right now. Y/n, right in front of our friends and a little boy who doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut." James tickled Harry, causing him to giggle as you all smiled. "I'm asking the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my entire life, the girl who showed me that being something you can't control doesn't make you a monster, the girl who makes me smile with just a single giggle, to marry me. You have shown me a happiness I thought everyone was faking, a love that I didn't think existed outside of James and Lily and Molly and Arthur, and a kindness I thought had left the world.

"So, in the living room of our best friends, surrounded by food I think Harry might have stuck his fingers in, I ask you to marry me. Make me the happiest man in the world and marry me."

You thought his proposal had been so incredibly beautiful, better than any you ever could have imagined. As you rinsed off the extra shaving cream from your legs, you sighed deeply. How did your love life come to this?

Eventually, you had exited the shower, tying the bathrobe around your bump before opening the bathroom door, walking out and jumping at the sight of Remus sitting on your bed.

"Fuck, you scared me." You clutched your belly, looking at the man. "Oh, shoot, sorry." You pulled the robe tighter, seeing his eyes flutter down to his legs. It hurt your heart to think you needed to cover up from him, but you attempted to cover the large bump behind the robe.

"Let me, uh, let me change really quick." You grabbed your underwear from your dresser before rushing into the closet, shutting the door and dressing in a shirt and a baggier set of overalls, hoping it didn't show your belly too much. When you walked out, Remus was now pacing the floor, his hands gripping his hair tightly.

"Rem, stop, it's fine." you quickly walked to him, pulling his hands from his hair. "I'm glad you're okay." You mumbled the words, taking a step back from him. He inhaled deeply, his eyes shutting.

"I can still smell the change in your scent. Really, Moony can, but I can still tell." You nodded, stepping back once more.

"Y/n, we need to talk." You laughed bitterly, a mix of anger and sadness filling your body. "You think we need to talk, Remus? You think so? You think we should talk about the fact that, the second you got back from being on a mission you could have died on, you yelled at me for something I couldn't control? You think we should talk about the fact that you basically told me to abort our kids? You think we should talk about the fact that you let me walk out of our home without trying to stop me? You think we should talk about that?"

Your hands were shaking in anger, your eyes swelling up with tears. Damn, how much can one person cry? Your hands gripped your own hair now, pulling it in anger. "How can I cry this much? How does this happen?" You shouted in anger, now at yourself. "Fucking hormones!" Your hands fell to your sides, your eyes squeezed shut before your felt yourself in the hold of him.

His scent filled you, filled you up until your body relaxed involuntarily. "'S okay, I'm right here. I'm right here." One hand went up to smooth the hair that you yanked, the other firmly holding you to him. Your hands wrapped around him, grasping onto the fabric of his shirt at his back. "I'm so fucking mad at you, Remus. So fucking mad." Your tears slowed, your eyes closing as you finally felt safe.

He had been your safe place for so long and going without him for this long had kept your body weak. Now, relaxed in his hold, your body begged for decent sleep. You allowed yourself to go limp in his hold, feeling him pick you up bridal style and walk to both to the bed, curling up with you in his arms. "'M right here, love. Right here and I'm not going anywhere." You drifted to sleep, holding him with as much strength as you could as you slept.

~

Tag list -

@gog0juice @isabellamur @tae-v-val @missmulti @brod16 @justmesadgirl @little-bit-of-randomness @emptyporsche @pan-pride-12 @zabrynaskylar @introverted-gal @girl22334 @lilacskiesandpolaroids @crowleysqueenofhell @tb-ctn @y0urlocallos3r @voidmalfoy @chickeebabe @sadieswanson @fredweasleysbitchh @rachaelluvil @thelastwildangel @dan-knee-03 @dive-the-frogger @delaneychamberlain @mahleigham

[h0tch-r0cket]

Infatuation (18+) {a.h.}: chapter 3

summary: you needed a job. aaron hotchner needed a babysitter. the rest was inevitable.

word count: 4.6K

warnings: explicit language, drinking alcohol

table of contents

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"To your new job! Congrats, Y/N!" Esmé hollered over the loud club music as she held her shot glass in the air. You lifted your glass next to hers, clinking them together, before you both threw the vodka back, the liquor giving your throat a slight burn as it went down. You placed the shot glass down in front of you, adding one more to the collection that was slowly growing in front of you.

You leaned closer to Esmé's ear, practically shouting to be heard over the music that was making the club walls shake. "Thanks for taking me out tonight. I appreciate it."

Esmé slung her arm around your shoulder languidly, evidence of the ever growing drunken state that was growing between the both of you throughout the night. "No other way to celebrate your last weekend as a job free woman than with booze and boys!" She nodded her head back towards the dance floor where you watched some attractive men dance, waiting for someone to join them. Esmé hopped off her stool in front of the bar and grabbed onto your hand, tugging on it to urge you to go with her. "Come on! I want to dance!"

You groaned at her request, jokingly rolling your eyes at her. "You know, I think I'm much more comfortable over here."

Esmé scoffed, clearly not buying your lame excuse to not go out on the dance floor with her. "One song?" she pleaded.

You turned your attention to the blonde bartender, a playful smile on your lips. "Another shot please." He nodded, topping off the vodka in another glass for you. He placed it in front of you and smirked at you.

"That one is on me," he said, placing his hands down firmly on the counter. You watched his eyes dart down to your lips quickly and you felt your cheeks heat up. You understood quickly the subliminal implications of the shot.

You dropped your hand from Esmé's grip, standing up from the stool. You placed your elbow on the counter and beckoned the bartender forward to come closer to you with your pointer finger. He leaned over quickly, eager to be closer to you. Once he was close enough, you placed your hand on his shoulder, bringing your mouth up to his ear. "Hate to break it to you, but I'm not interested," you whispered. You heard him clear his throat and he stood back up, clearly being brought down from whatever excitement he thought he might have found himself in for the night.

He nodded in understanding, a cocky smirk growing across his face. He lifted the shot, keeping his eyes on you as he downed it quickly. He placed the glass on the counter and leaned back over to you. "If you change your mind, you know where to find me."

"I won't. But thanks." You turned your attention back to Esmé who was standing there in slight shock as you walked over to her.

"What the hell did you do that for?! He wanted to get in your pants! You should have let him," she exclaimed as she motioned back towards the bartender.

"Not my type," you said bluntly, as you ran your hands down your dress to straighten it out. The dress was a navy blue with an open back and plunging neckline. It ended right at your thighs, hugging your curves along your body.

"Your type is dark and brooding men who have some sort of position of authority," Esmé teased as she led you out to the dance floor.

"I mean you're not wrong," you laughed as you started to dance next to her.

"Keep your eyes peeled. Maybe you'll find Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome tonight."

You shook your head in annoyance but continued to dance with your friend. It's not that you didn't want to be with anyone. It was the fact that you had a hard time opening up to others about yourself and letting someone be with you for every part of your life, whether it was good or bad.

You were so used to looking out for yourself that you never really looked for a partner that often. You only had one relationship that you would ever consider serious, but even then, you had ended things because you were starting college and wanted to focus on school instead of worrying about pleasing your boyfriend. He was understanding of it all but a part of you still wondered about the what ifs that surrounded the situation.

What if we were still together?

What if I let him in more than everyone else?

What if I was wrong about letting him go?

You shook the thoughts from your head as you let yourself focus on dancing with Esmé, not wishing to dwell too much on the past. There was nothing that you could do to have changed what happened, and quite frankly, given the chance to, you weren't so sure that that would have been something that you would have done anyway.

Sometimes, you wished that you could bring your guard down and let someone in but you were just too worried that someone would come in and absolutely destroy your heart.

"Maybe. Guess we'll have to see," you agreed, at least playing along with Esmé to get her to subtly take the hint that you weren't interested nor in the mood to try to find someone in the bar to take home with you.

"You know, I have to admit that the way you turned down that bartender was hot," Esmé laughed as she danced around in front of you. "He definitely thought he was going to be heading home with you tonight."

You couldn't help but laugh at your drunk friend, who even in her current state of being, continued to be your hype-woman. "Well, he definitely thought wrong," you teased.

The two of you continued to dance the night away, downing more shots throughout your time at the club. You were having too much fun with Esmé to think about anything else other than the two of you at that moment in time.

-----

The rest of the weekend flew by too quickly for your liking . For the most part, you spent your time at your apartment, just relaxing and watching movies to pass the time. And as the days drew closer and closer to when you were officially starting your new job, you were filled with excitement with what was to lie ahead.

On Sunday evening, the day before your first day as the Hotchner babysitter, you were walking Artemis on your usual rounds when you felt your phone buzz in your pocket. As Artemis was smelling each and every little thing on the sidewalk, you checked your messages.

                                      Aaron Hotchner

-Good evening, Y/N. Just wanted to let you know that Jack's bus normally comes around 2:15 or so. This way you can plan your day accordingly for when you'll need to be here to pick him up. There's a spare key underneath the doormat out front for you to use to get inside. I should be home by 5, but should anything change, I will let you know. See you then.

-And don't be too worried about Buster, just in case you aren't a fan of larger dogs. He'll calm down after a few minutes of you being in the house.

You replied quickly, not wanting to keep your new boss waiting to hear from you.

                                               -Perfect! I'll see him there!

                                                          -Have a goodnight!

-Thanks, Y/N. You too. You continued on your walk with Artemis, the playful pup determined to stop and greet every dog that she passed on the way.

By the time you got back to your apartment, the sun was beginning to set, the sky filled with different shades of pinks, reds, and yellows streaking across the horizon. It was as if an artist had taken careful brush strokes and painted the ribbons of color that stretched across behind the multitude of buildings, amplifying the true beauty of the natural world.

Upon entering your apartment, you decided to take a quick shower to settle in for the night. You took off your clothes in the bathroom and hopped in, letting the warm water run down your body for a few minutes before getting washed up.

After finishing the shower, you brushed out your hair and got in your pajamas, curling up in bed with one of your books that you were currently rereading. It was The Centaur by John Updike, the story of Peter Caldwell and his father George. It was a story that warmed your heart being that it was told from an older Peter's point of view as he looked back on the memories of him and his father with a new perspective compared to the way he thought of his father when he was younger. There was just something about the novel that you loved, whether it was the allusions to Greek mythology, or the idea that it was one of the bildungsroman stories that you loved, but you could never get enough of it. The copy of the book showed its wear and tear, the spine having small creases and the pages being slightly yellowed from your constant reading. But you could have cared less.

You read a chapter or two in the book before feeling tired and ready to turn in for the night. You shut off your light on your nightstand and placed the book on it. "Artemis!" you called out tiredly. You heard the pitter patter of the bulldog's feet on the floor as she came into your room.

With a running start, she hopped up onto your bed, curling into a ball next to you. You ran your hand down her spine as she settled in for the night.

As your mind calmed down and you drifted off to sleep, your last conscious thoughts were wrapped around the idea that tomorrow would start a new chapter in your life and you were ready to start and hit the ground running.

-----

You arrived at the Hotchner household the next day, eager to start your new job. You grabbed your belongings from your car and headed up to the porch, grabbing the key from where Aaron had left it.

Upon unlocking the door, you were immediately greeted by Buster in the entryway. The shepherd jumped up on you, trying to sniff every inch of you that he could. You figured he smelled the remnants of Artemis on your clothes and besides, to him, you were a newcomer in his house so you were filled with unfamiliar scents.

"Alright. Easy boy," you said softly as you scratched his head and urged him to get down. "Better get used to me being here. We'll be seeing a lot of each other." Buster barked gruffly, seeming as though he was still trying to determine whether or not he was going to trust you.

You made your way to the kitchen, dropping off your belongings on the counter before checking the clock hanging on the wall for the time.

2:00pm.

15 more minutes until you had to go get Jack.

Buster barked loudly at you, grabbing your attention. He was standing next to the sliding glass door that led to the backyard, his tail wagging excitedly.

"Alright, alright. Here." You opened the door for the dog and watched as he bolted outside to blow off some steam.

Your curiosity got the best of you while you were waiting to walk to the bus stop so you decided to peruse around the Hotchner home and try to learn more about them from the items that you found.

In the living room, you noticed the collection of children's movies that were stacked neatly underneath the TV in the entertainment center. You also saw a picture frame that caught your eye.

Upon looking at it more closely, you came to see that it was a photo of Aaron, Jack, and a beautiful blonde woman. The trio was at the beach, standing proudly next to a sandcastle that you could only assume was Jack's creation considering the way that it was constructed. Aaron was holding a younger Jack in his arms, the boy's legs wrapped around his father's torso. Wide smiles were on everyone's faces, even Aaron, who even from the interview alone, you could tell that he didn't have a genuine smile on his face often.

You figured the woman in the photo was Jack's mother. You could see the features that the boy shared with the woman—her smile, the same rounded face, and more obviously the blonde locks that rested upon his head which was a stark contrast to the more raven colored hair that Aaron had. Looking at the photo, the picturesque family, it made you further wonder what had happened to her and why it seems as though she wasn't in the lives of Jack and Aaron anymore.

A loud bark stole your attention away from the photo. You glanced at the sliding glass door to see Buster standing there, panting like a fool, waiting to come back inside. You set the photo back down on its designated spot on the shelf and headed to let him inside. He bounded through the door, going straight for his water dish which he lapped up instantly.

You took another glance at the time.

2:10pm.

You grabbed the spare key that Aaron left for you and locked up the front door as you left to go grab Jack from the bus stop that was at the end of the street.

It didn't take long once you arrived to hear the bus in the distance. You stood on the curb, teetering your weight on the balls of your feet as you waited for Jack. The expectant parents waiting for their children were deep in their conversations as you heard the loud rumbling from the bus from around the corner.

The bus came to a halt at the stop sign, the red lights flashing to ensure that any passersby would stop and let the kids get off safely. One by one, the kids came off the bus with their backpacks much too large for them. You smiled as they all ran excitedly towards their parents, wrapping their arms tightly around their parents' legs for a hug.

You saw Jack hop off the last step of the bus and he looked around curiously.

"Jack!" you called out, waving your hand. "Over here!"

The boy's face lit up with a smile as he came over towards you. He stopped right in front of you, glancing up at you with his eyes squinted to avoid looking at the sun. "Hi, Y/N!" he excitedly said.

"Hey, buddy! How was school?" You squatted down in front of him to be eye level as you talked to him.

"It was good! We got tadpoles today. Ms. Kingston said they're going to turn into frogs," he explained, his voice full of wonder and anticipation.

"That's so cool! Ready to head home? I'm sure you have a lot of homework to do."

He shrugged his shoulders. "Just a math worksheet and some sentences to practice. Ms. Kingston didn't give us a lot today."

"Well that's nice of her," you said as you stood back up. You placed your hand on his shoulder and started to walk back to the Hotchner household.

"Yeah, I like her," Jack said as you watched him absentmindedly kick a pebble along the street as you walked, his feet dragging on the cement softly. His head was tucked down, entirely focused on the pebble as he kicked it, watching it bounce down the street. He stuck out his tongue for a brief moment in his state of concentration. "I got to name one of the tadpoles."

"Oh really? What name did you pick?" You kicked the pebble back towards him since it left its intended path. You saw a small smile fall across his face.

"I named mine Kermit. You know, like Kermit the Frog from The Muppets?" He picked up the pebble from the ground and held it tight in his hand. "It's better than what my friend, Peter, picked out. He picked out the name Hoppy. How lame is that?"

You laughed at the boy's apparent disgust with such a generic name for the tadpole, clearly unaware of the fact that the name he picked out was just as much of a cliché. "So incredibly lame."

He hopped up the stairs of the porch of the Hotchner home and landed on the top step with a big thump. He walked over to the corner of the porch and placed the pebble next to the small collection that he had going on top of the railing. He turned his attention back to you and gave you a small smile.

"I've been collecting rocks for a while. I started with Dad one day and I always look for the perfect ones on our way home from school." He moved by the door, waiting for you to unlock it.

"That's so cool." You unlocked the door and Jack pushed it open, being greeted by Buster.

He dropped his backpack on the floor and knelt down by the shepherd and was scratching him behind his ears. "Hi Buster! Did you miss me?" The dog barked and gave Jack a few licks on his cheek. "I missed you too, boy."

You grabbed Jack's backpack off of the ground to get it out of the way. Locking the door behind you, you went into the kitchen and placed his bag on the kitchen table.

Jack came running in a mere few seconds later and was unzipping his bag, pulling out a lime green folder that was labeled Math and his pencil case. He grabbed a worksheet out of the folder and sat down, tapping his pencil on the table. "Hey, Y/N?"

"Yeah, Jack?" You grabbed a glass from out of the cabinet and poured yourself some water.

"Can you pass me the bowl of grapes from the fridge please?" You nodded and grabbed the bowl of fruit for Jack, placing it down on the table next to him. "Thank you." He picked one of the grapes off of the stem and popped it right into his mouth.

"You're welcome." You sat down at the table in front of him and scrolled on your phone as he did his homework.

The sound of the bowl of grapes sliding across the table grabbed your attention as Jack pushed it towards you. "Want some?" he asked as he put two more of the grapes in his mouth.

"Sure. Thanks, Jack." You grabbed a few grapes off the stem and ate them as you watched him do his homework. "What kind of math are you doing?"

"Word problems for addition. We just started them the other day. Ms. Kingston said they were going to be hard but I don't think they are," he explained as he wrote down the answer for the problem he was working on.

"Word problems can be tricky. Do you need help?"

He shook his head no and tapped the eraser of the pencil on his lips. "No, I'm good for now."

"Alright, well if anything changes, I'll be in the living room if you need me," you told him as you stood up from the table.

You heard a small okay from Jack and you settled on the couch, flipping through the channels on the TV.

Soon, you lost track of time as you sat in the living room. Jack's running made you turn your head away from the TV as you saw his backpack slung over his shoulder. "Everything okay, Jack?" You sat up straighter on the couch, trying to see where the boy was running off to.

"I'm all done with my homework so I was going to put my backpack away," he said at the bottom of the stairs that led to where you assumed his and Aaron's bedrooms were.

"All done already?"

"Yeah, I told you she didn't give us a lot of work to do for tonight."

"You did say that, didn't you?" you teased. "When you come back down, maybe we can play a game or take Buster on a walk or something."

"Okay!" He hurriedly rushed up the stairs and out of sight.

He came down the stairs a few moments later with a box in hand, pieces rattling as he went into the living room. He placed the box on the coffee table in front of you, allowing you to finally see what he was holding in his small hands.

"Monopoly, huh? Well, I gotta tell you Jack, when I play Monopoly, I play with absolutely no mercy," you joked as you rolled up your sleeves to your elbows, feigning cockiness.

"You're going down," Jack teased as he sat crisscrossed on the rug across from you and took the board game out of its box.

"I'd like to see you try," you encouraged as you sat down on the rug in front of him, leaning you back against the sofa.

The Monopoly game quickly ensued and the living room was filled with laughter as you and Jack played, trying to outdo one another. He told you stories from school as the game went on and you were amazed at how polite and respectful the child was. It was a shining testament to the way that his parents raised him and it made you excited about spending more time with him. You were truly enjoying his company which was something you weren't expecting.

After playing what seemed like an endless game of Monopoly, just as the two of you were cleaning up the mess, you heard a car alarm chirp which caused Buster to go rushing excitedly towards the door.

"Dad's home!" Jack exclaimed as he bolted up from his seat on the rug to the front door.

By the time he got in, Aaron was already making his way through the entrance, trying his best to maneuver his way between the excited dog and son duo. "Hey guys," Aaron said as he shut the door behind him. His voice sounded tired, like his day was really draining. You stood up from the rug and finished putting away the Monopoly pieces, watching the interaction of the father and son.

Aaron ran his hand through Jack's hair and roughed it up a bit as his other hand held onto a dark brown leather satchel. "How was school today, bud? Did you guys get your tadpoles?" he asked as he headed into the kitchen.

"Yes! I named one Kermit," Jack said excitedly, as he began to recount the day's events to his father. You heard their slightly muffled voices from the kitchen and figured that you shouldn't overstay your welcome and intrude on the time that Aaron has with his son. So you walked into the kitchen to go grab your things and head home for the day.

"Go take your shower, Jack. And then I'll make something for dinner," Aaron urged. The boy nodded and bolted upstairs but not before yelling out to you.

"Bye Y/N! I had fun today!" You felt warm at Jack's words, not only because of the fact that he was being kind, but also because of the bigger picture that he was enjoying his time with you, almost as much as you were.

"See you tomorrow, Jack!" You waved at him as he ran up the stairs yet again. You let out a sigh of relief and grabbed your purse off the kitchen counter. "That's some kid you have up there, Aaron. He's so kind and polite. I don't think I've ever met a kid as friendly and as well mannered as he is."

Aaron nodded his head silently, the tone of the room becoming much more dull than it had been about a minute ago when Jack was still downstairs. You watched Aaron grab a clear glass from the cabinet before going into a different one and grabbing a bottle of whiskey. He poured the amber liquid straight into the glass, pushing his glasses up on the bridge of his nose. "Thanks, Y/N."

"No problem." You watched as he took a large drink from the glass, placing the cup down on the counter in front of him. He turned to look at you, leaning on the counter.

He studied you for a moment, just as you did with him. His hair was soft and floppy, a few stray strands resting on his forehead. You saw the way that his warm eyes were almost masked by the appearance of the bags that hung underneath them, a testament to how hard of a worker you assumed he was. His thin lips were held tightly together, not even an inch of a smile evident across them.

A part of you felt awkward with the silence that filled the room as he glanced back between you and the half drunk glass of whiskey in front of him. But another part of you felt that it was normal being that you didn't know much about him and he didn't know much about you.

He stood up and dug around in his satchel for a quick moment before handing you a sealed envelope. On the front of it was Y/N written in handwriting that was almost illegible but yet it was easy for you to read it. "Before I forget," he said quickly. "That's your pay for this week."

"Thank you. I appreciate it." You shoved the envelope into your purse and exhaled deeply. "I guess I better be going."

Aaron took another long sip of his whiskey and swirled the rest of it in his glass. "Mhm," he agreed.

You figured that it was just the exhaustion from the day that made him unsociable. But a part of you was wondering if he just was always this distant with people and closed off. It wouldn't surprise you considering you only knew so much about him.

"Same time tomorrow?" you asked as you started to walk out of the kitchen.

"Yeah. I'll probably be home later tomorrow. Some board of education meeting or some shit like that," he said as he leaned his back against the counter, crossing his feet over one another as he finished the rest of his whiskey.

"No problem. Have a good night, Aaron," you said as you adjusted the strap of your purse on your shoulder.

"You too," he said, unenthusiastically.

Your lips turned up into a small smile before you turned on your heels and left the house, getting into your car. You threw your head back against the headrest and let out a frustrated sigh.

"What the fuck was that about?" you spoke to yourself. You stared at the ceiling of your car for a few seconds before rolling your eyes and turning the key in the ignition.

Once you got back home, after settling in and telling Esmé about your day, you turned in early for the night. You couldn't help but have your mind wander back to Aaron and the way he was so curt with you. It made you question whether or not he was having second guesses about hiring you as his son's babysitter.

You tossed and turned in your bed, trying to get comfortable and shake off the feeling that was churning in your stomach.

You were overthinking. You had to be. He just had a hard day at work. Maybe one of his students pissed him off or a coworker did.

Nonetheless, as you would find out in due time, that would not be the last time you fell asleep with your last thoughts before your eyes closed being all about Aaron Hotchner.

-----

Author's note:

Hello hello! I am so excited for this story you have no idea. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

See you soon!

-jordyn

[captainsourwolf]

okay hear me out.

everyone knows about link’s crush on john mayer. it’s no secret, he happily told everyone on camera his crush is the singer. nobody is surprised of course, least of all rhett, because rhett is the one that gets to hold his hand and love him and fuck him and kiss him and do all the things john mayer just wishes he could fucking do with link neal.

which okay, maybe rhett’s a little jealous sometimes. but he can’t help it. john mayer gets brought up and link’s eyes light up, this spot on his throat that ticks when his pulse rate spikes starts jumpin’, he gets this weirdly euphoric look on his face because he gets to talk about his stupid crush. the last time he reacted like that to rhett was when they were in college and he thought he was being smooth hiding his feelings.

okay so rhett is a lot jealous. sue him.

one day at the creative house he walks in and link’s playing an old john mayer cd and rhett’s blood instantly boils. he follows the source straight into link’s office where link is bebopping his head along to some stupid song about something stupid and rhett clenches a fist before he can even stop himself.

“link,” rhett would huff when he’s ignored only to feel bad a second later. he’s had crushes before. he remembers what it feels like.

but this different. this is link getting weirdly giddy when the other man is brought up, this is him bringing the singer up any chance he gets, it’s link acting like a teenager experiencing his first boner because someone made him feel all tingly.

rhett hates it. supremely. with everything in him.

which is why he can’t be blamed when he slaps his hand on link’s dumb boom box he just had to have and effectively stops john mayer’s crooning. link jumps in surprise and finally notices rhett has entered the room.

“hey—! i was listening to that!” but he isn’t angry, just peeved, cheeks flushing a bit when he glares at rhett and gets up to turn it back on.

rhett is taller and bigger so he blocks the boom box and crosses his arms.

“maybe im tired of listening to john mayer all the time,” rhett snips and link huffs and his mouth pops open into a perfect ring and he looks a bit murderous for a second if rhett’s bring totally honest. “your crush is cute, but come on, do we gotta listen to him all the time?”

link gets all huffy again and throws his hands in the air. “it’s not a crush, shut up, man,” he grumbles. but the spot on the back of his neck that gives him away all the time flares up and he reaches up to scrub at it.

“you loooooove him?” rhett teases. he can do that. he can tease, even if it means reverting back to when he was a high schooler that thought the way to a girl’s heart was through jokes and rude comments. he grins a little when link looks away, to the side and down, rubbing that spot even harder.

“shuddup, rhett.” there’s no venom to it, just a bit of amusement and embarrassment to go with the pinkness rising up his neck.

“you wanna hold his hand and swoon over him while he sings to you?”

link’s blush disappears under the collar of his—surprisingly enough—john mayer sweatshirt. the one that’s cream colored and splashed with pinks and blues, and looks soft against his skin.

“rhett—“

rhett grins a cheeky little grin and leans against the table the boom box is on.

“want him to wine and dine you? show you a good time?”

link’s tells are starting to pop out: shifting on his feet, scrubbing his neck, pushing at his glasses, fidgeting with his wedding ring. rhett is hitting every button and it sends a thrill through him knowing he’s making link a bit hot under the collar.

and of course that’s when he notices the blush deepen when he says “show you a good time” and the subtle way link is trying to adjust his pants. rhett swallows and licks his lips and thinks he could have some fun with this. he is jealous after all. get link hot, get him off, remind him rhett is the one he should be blushing for.

“want john mayer to kiss you, link?” rhett shoves away from his perch and stalks towards him. link licks his lips and looks down at the floor, shuffles his feet.

“you don’t—“ link shrugs and huffs. “you don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.”

rhett bumps link’s chest he gets so close. dips down and kisses his hot cheek, his ear, tugs on it with his teeth a little.

“you wanna fuck him?” rhett whispers and tugs again. link whimpers a little, a tiny thing rhett almost doesn’t hear. when he registers that’s what he heard, he rears back enough to see link’s cheeks ruddy and hot and giving him away. rhett swallows, shuffles closer, feels an unmistakable bulge pressing into his leg.

link is hard. the realization makes the jealousy burn in rhett’s gut.

“do you want him to fuck you?” rhett murmurs and that’s the clencher. link’s cheeks turn tomato red and it disappears down his neck into that silly sweatshirt and his cock twitches on rhett’s hip.

link swallows so hard his throat clicks and he shoves rhett back, hardly far enough to put any space between them, but still. he glares up at rhett with no heat, digs fists into rhett’s shirt, yanks him down into a kiss that’s more bite than anything.

they don’t do things half-assed that’s for sure. link is naked and bent over his desk in no time, rhett naked and two fingers deep with spit and lube they keep hidden in the desk and leaning over link’s backside to get at his ear. breath hot and damp and making link shiver.

“wonder how good it’d feel to have john mayer’s fingers up your ass, baby? think his are as thick as mine?” link moans so loud rhett feels it in chest. his dick twitches at the sound.

link is a needy whiny mess. looks fucked out already spread out on his own desk, back heaving, cock dripping a sticky trail on his thigh and the floor. rhett can see his eyes where he’s leaning close, can see how dopey and unfocused they are just from rhett finger fucking him and talking about another man. the jealousy only makes him harder, makes him get a little rough with it, crooking his fingers just right to make link jerk and moan.

rhett pulls his fingers free and link whines and chases the feeling. he’s on his knees behind link biting an ass cheek and dragging his thumb over link’s stretched hole, teasing and kind of all over the place, not really knowing what he wants to do just that he wants to do it. so he makes link turn over, gets his mouth on a thigh, on a hip, on his balls, at the base of his cock.

“such a good singer, must have a nice mouth, too. surely he does.” link’s head thunks on the desk and he whines again, raises his hips to try and get rhett’s mouth on him. “think he can suck a cock with that nice mouth?”

“rhett—“

rhett licks him from root to tip, sloppy and messy, precum and spit wetting his beard, shining up his lips.

“want him to suck you off, link? fuck his mouth the way you do mine?” rhett gets a weak kick to his thigh and fingers winding in his hair. link leans up, on his free elbow, peers down at rhett all fucked out and horny and desperate. he growls and yanks rhett’s head back to look at him, at his flushed and sweaty face and his perky nips, taut belly, his cock throbbing and wet. “admit it,” rhett huffs a laugh and digs his fingers into link’s thighs.

“what if i do?” link admits, voice too rough around the edges.

that just won’t do.

rhett growls this time and shoves link’s hand off his head then stands, fits himself between link’s thighs. they stare at each other a moment, link smirking in challenge, rhett glaring. he roughly grabs link around the knees, hikes his legs up till he’s resting his calves on rhett’s sweaty shoulders. he drags his cock along rhett’s, the tease, and moans, smirk widening when rhett chokes a little.

“come on, then, fuck me, rhett, bet john mayer—“ it’s enough for rhett clamp a hand over his mouth, use the other one to slick himself up and line up and slip the head of his cock in link’s tight hole. link’s clipped off moan and the way he shudders it out makes rhett’s head spin.

again, they don’t do things half-assed, ever. rhett gives him his time to adjust, barely enough, and fucks into him messy and quick. link licks his palm and bites at the meat of his hand but rhett doesn’t budge. he keeps his hand there and pulls out and thrusts back in, starting up a steady rhythm. doesn’t take long to build a pace that punches the air out of link’s lungs.

link’s legs slip and wind around rhett’s waist. he yanks rhett forward and down, brow knitting when rhett’s cock hits deeper, smoother. rhett finally removes his hand and winds it through link’s hair and presses their chests together.

this close he can see the thin ring of blue left, the freckle beside his eye, the sweat beading on his upper lip. he tilts link’s head back and bites at his throat, takes his time sucking a bruise into the delicate skin over his jugular. he soothes it then goes back in for more and fucks link harder, making the desk rattle and groan under their combined weight and pace.

“this good enough?” rhett asks, having to stop and catch his breath before he can continue speaking. he starts a slow grind, barely out and right back in, making sure link feels it when he shoves his cock deep and presses his pelvis right up against link’s ass. “could he do it better?” the legs around his waist tighten.

“want that crooner to fuck you like this?” link’s breathing changes, hitches a little around his throat, and he’s scrambling to get his fingers in rhett’s hair, on rhett’s body. they slip on his back and end up around his waist, back in his hair, down again to his belly before finally giving up and squeezing around rhett’s neck. “want him to screw you against your desk all nice and slow? or get you on your belly and hold your head down and make you feel it?”

link gasps and rhett is done with the grinding, the slow pace, and sits back, holding onto link’s thighs. link can’t get a grip on anything in time and nearly bangs into the wall behind him, moaning loud and strangled, and reaching for rhett.

it’s always a punishing pace when they’re like this. rhett can’t help it. he likes to watch link fall apart like this, a sweaty mess, mouth open around choked off and desperate sounds, back arching as rhett fucks him. and he likes it when link finally blissfully falls apart.

rhett watches link’s face contort, his brows knitting so tight he’ll have a headache later, hands searching for something to hold onto. he’s almost there and he hasn’t even been touched since rhett got him up here. rhett loves it when he’s so horny for it that he cums untouched.

this time there’s an edge to it, a sting, and rhett can’t help himself from catching link’s eye, watching when he finally focuses enough to catch on.

“he fuck you better than i can, baby?”

and link loses it, jizzes all over himself in thick spurts, seemingly never ending as rhett screws him through it and he keeps cumming, speechless with it. he clenches around rhett’s cock, still a tease even when he’s just blown his load so hard he’s probably seeing stars. rhett likes that part, too.

link starts muttering little yeah’s and come on’s, fighting the over sensitivity and squeezing around rhett’s dick to milk it out of him. doesn’t take much, he was already about there, so when link sits up and drags fingers through the mess and reaches between them to feel where rhett’s fucking him and slick him up, that does him in. his hips stutter and he moans and folds in on himself, nearly loses his footing and takes link with him.

after a moment he finds he’s got his face buried in link’s neck, breathing evening out, mouth still hanging loose in satisfaction. link’s got him held up with an arm around his back, other propping himself up on the desk so he doesn’t fall.

takes a second but he gets himself together enough to unstick himself from link’s body. his dick slips out and with it a trickle of his release. link’s quiet moan and the way his ass clenches makes him chuckle and use his middle finger to plug it back in.

“it’s so gross when you do that.”

“you love it,” rhett laughs again and link flutters around him, sighing in resignation.

his blush is back. rhett sees it traveling from his cheeks to his neck to his chest. he’s embarassed, probably a little turned on still if the way his dick gives a valiant effort at twitching is anything to go by. but overall he’s spent and he lays back.

it’s quiet for a moment as rhett just waits for link to chill, to get himself together enough to face rhett’s amused stare. when he finally looks he has this softness there, in his eyes and around his mouth, only for rhett.

“you know you’re the only one,” he states it simply, quietly, pink in his cheeks flaring up for a moment.

rhett gathers him into a hug and kisses his temple.

“as if id ever believe john mayer could fuck you as good as me,” he whispers.

“oh my god. i hate you.”

rhett shakes his head, knowing better.

“nah, you love me.”

[katehuntington]

Title: Ride With Me (part 24) Fandom: Supernatural Timeline: 2008 Pairing: Dean x Reader Word count: ±9400 words Summary series: Y/N is a talented horse rider who is on her way to become a professional. In order to convince her father that she deserves the loan needed to start her own farm, she goes to Arizona for six months, to intern at a ranch owned by Bobby and Ellen Singer. Her future is set out, but then she meets a handsome horseman, who goes by the name of Dean Winchester. A heartwarming series about a cowboy who falls for the girl, letting go of the past and the importance of family. Summary part 24: John’s presence at the horse show flips Dean’s world upside down, sending him a tailspin that could have serious consequences. Will Y/N and his friends be able to get through to him? Warnings series: NSFW, 18+ only! Fluff, angst, eventually smut. Swearing, smoking, alcohol intoxication, alcohol abuse. Mutual pining, heartbreak, slowburn. Crying, nightmares, childhood trauma. Description of animal abuse, domestic violence, mentions of addiction. Financial problems, stress, mental breakdown. Description of blood and injury, hospital scenes, character death, grief. Music: How Do You Get ‘Em Back - David Ramirez. Follow ‘Kate Huntington’s Ride With Me playlist’ on Spotify! Author’s note: Thank you @atc74​​​​, and @winchest09​​​​ for helping me. Also a special thanks to @jules-1999​​​​, who has offered me her knowledge about rodeo events like these, and @squirrelnotsam​​​​, who knows Arizona like the back of her hand. Guys, this is going to be a heavy one. 9.3K of angst. If you are invested in this story, I suggest you’ll have the tissues ready before you start reading. Godspeed.

Ride With Me Masterlist

     “Hello, son.”

     Only two words, but it’s more than Dean has heard his father say in a long while. The simple greeting lingers between them, like smog polluting the air, stealing his breath. A force of habit the cowboy assumed was long forgotten has him square his shoulders. After all, if there’s anything John taught him it's that men can’t be weak.

     What does he call him? Dad? Sir? The cowboy isn’t even sure and so he decides to keep his mouth closed. Instead, he measures the man before him. He is but a ghost of the parent Dean remembers - or at least idolized for so long. His boots are dusty and worn, the leather tearing at the creases. His clothes are dirty, stains on the white t-shirt he’s wearing under a camel jacket. He grew a beard, the tough hairs grey now. A black cowboy hat hides most of his slick hair, but they don’t conceal the dark circles under his father’s eyes, nor the tale of pain and sorrow that are still apparent. Nothing has changed, really. He just got older.

     Dean can feel his knees weaken as his breaths come out shaky, but he is able to stand his ground. He sets his jaw, gritting away the frustration that continues to build, his fists clenched, nails digging into his palm. But it’s more than just aggravation that courses through him; it’s joined with an overwhelming sense of panic and fear. He wants to run, far away from confrontations and the dull blade that is tearing open old wounds. What he would give to go back in time, just an hour or so, to prevent this moment. What he would give to be able to live the life he naively pictured, with his family, with Y/N. 

     Meanwhile, John watches him, eyes glossed over and wearing a small smile. “It’s good to see you.”      Still, Dean can’t speak. He just stares at his father. Even the gentle words falling from John’s chapped lips don’t lift the tension. Where Dean was thankful that the stables were empty just a few minutes ago, he now wishes it was swarming with people, because being cut out from the public eye is not a position the cowboy wants his girlfriend to be in. When John steps closer hesitatingly, Dean moves in front of her, one hand back to make sure she stays behind him. It’s instinct, a reaction that is fed by years of doing the same for Sammy. He did everything possible to protect his brother then, and now he has to do the same for her. Dean has to get her out of here. Now.

     The cowboy turns his head slightly, addressing Y/N without letting his old man out of his sight. “You should get Joplin warmed up. I’ll be right there.”      “Dean? Are you s--”      “Go,” he insists, wincing at the strict tone of his own voice. 

     John has halted and watches the exchange, his gaze following the cowgirl who moves to the box on her right and takes off the halter of a black horse inside the stable. Without a word but with concern and confusion evident in her eyes - which flick to his before she averts them quickly - she takes the Quarter by the reins and guides the mare out of the stable. When she’s out of earshot, Dean’s father returns his focus to his son.      “That your girlfriend?” he wonders.      “No,” the wrangler claims, wanting to keep her out of this at all costs. John doesn’t have to know about his relationships with her or with his friends. It will make them vulnerable to his influence. “She’s just an intern,” he adds.

     Believing the statement to be true, he dips his chin, nodding slightly, and Dean is able to exhale. At least he got Y/N out of harm’s way, now he just needs to somehow prepare himself to take the fire. It’s been a long time coming, but it’s time to face the faults of the past. He  allowed the family to fall apart on that dreadful night when the bond between the Winchesters was shattered to pieces. Dean destroyed it all.

     Carefully, his old man moves closer once more, and involuntarily the young cowboy steps back. He doesn’t want to. He intends to stand tall and hold position, but trepidation has him back up before he can stop himself. Apparently aware of the effect he has on Dean, John ceases his attempt to close the unbreachable gap between father and son. 

     Leaving a safe distance between them, he speaks again. “You’ve grown up to be quite the man, Dean. Your aunt and uncle must have taken good care of you.”      More than you’ve ever done, Dean thinks to himself, but he doesn’t say it out loud, too apprehensive for the reaction it might trigger. “They have.”     “Well, I’m glad,” John smiles at the ground. “I’m glad you landed on your feet. Do you know if Sammy did too?”

     Dean’s eyes fill to the brim before he can blink. He doesn’t know. The big brother who was supposed to look out for him, who was supposed to give everything to provide his younger sibling the safety and care that he deserved, doesn’t know. The question is a punch in the gut, a verification of the fact that he has failed Sam like he has failed so many others.      “I don’t,” he admits, doing everything in his power to keep his voice steady. “I haven’t seen him since.”

     John sighs, sniffles slightly and glances up, as if he’s mad for a prayer that has been left unanswered. The news does a number on the old guy, and suddenly Dean feels sorry for the man standing before him. His father was already lost when their mother died, and it only got worse when Sam disappeared. The agony it triggered has never left him, just like it never left his son. That loss will always remain, a piece of their heart cut away violently, leaving a hole that bleeds to this day. They both had to settle for a life without Mary and the youngest Winchester in it. As much as Dean wants to hate his father, he simply can’t. He wouldn’t want to wish that kind of torture upon anyone, let alone his dad. It doesn’t matter how many mistakes he has made.

     “I’m sorry to hear that. I hoped that maybe…” John pauses, shaking his head slightly. “I hoped you boys at least found your way back to each other.” 

     Dean swallows with difficulty, his bottom lashes barely clinging to the tears that threaten to roll down his face, but he manages to keep it together. He wishes the same, because life without his sibling feels incomplete. God, he misses Sam. And all that guilt, the sorrow, and the uncertainty of his well-being come rushing back to him in a magnitude that he can’t cope with.

     John watches his son again, a grown man now, yet still his boy. “I was wondering if maybe we could sit down someday. Have a drink or something, y’know? Try and put this all behind us?”

     Astonished, Dean stares at him. A part of him wants to mend this broken relationship, but John must be aware that rekindling the father-son bond will never undo all the trauma their family endured. There’s no going back to how things were, there is no returning to the time the Winchesters were happy. Mom died, and her death set them on a course of total ruination. And yet, Dean can’t answer. He can’t tell his father ‘no’.

     “John Winchester!”      Hasty footsteps echo between the stable walls, and when the conflicted cowboy glances past his father, he notices Bobby, moving closer with determined strides. A shuddering sigh of relief escapes Dean, and he’s glad the man opposite of him turns around to face his former brother-in-law so that he doesn’t witness the sign of weakness. With his uncle here, he instantly feels safer, knowing that even if this conversation develops into an argument, he has back-up now. 

     The elder man holds a fury in his eyes that is visible even in the shadows of the worn ball cap he always wears. “You better walk away,” he warns.      “We were just talkin’,” John assures, calmly.      “I don’t care if you are holding a family reunion,” Bobby sneers. “If you don’t leave right now, I will get my gun and blast your sorry ass so full of buckshot that you will never sit in a saddle again without scratching the leather.”

     Dean’s gaze bounces between his father and his uncle, weary of the clash that is about to kick off, as the two older men keep their eyes locked on each other, tension rising by the second. But then, against his expectations, John gives in to Bobby’s request and steps aside. He glances back at his son one last time, giving him a sad smile, before he breaks away and strolls off, shoulders slumped and defeat obvious.

     Collecting himself by taking a breath and blowing it out as slowly as he can, the younger cowboy makes eye contact with his uncle, who approaches him until he’s in arm’s reach. He puts his hand on the back of Dean’s neck, gently encouraging the troubled young man to look at him, hoping the touch will ground his nephew.      “You alright?” Bobby asks, the lines in his forehead deepening as he frowns.      Dean swallows down the lump in his throat and nods, his lips pressed together in a firm line. He can’t speak and has to break away from his uncle’s observant gaze. Bobby’s grip loosens; he’s aware that Dean isn’t ready to expose his true feelings about this unfortunate run-in.      “I’m gonna make sure he leaves the premises,” he assures.      With those words, the man - who once again has provided him safety - turns away to follow John, committed to matching action with his words if the guy doesn’t take his threat seriously. 

     Finally alone, the unsettled cowboy tries to inhale again, but his diaphragm seems to have risen to chest height. He can feel anxiety like he has never experienced before in his adult life get a grip on him, and whatever he tries, he can’t stop it. Afraid that his legs might give way, he takes a step to the side and holds on to one of the stable bars, but he still can’t breathe. Unable to hold the frontline in the battle he’s fighting with the overwhelming sense of distress, the tears break through his defense, spilling down his cheeks. Suddenly, he feels sick. He needs to get out, he needs fresh air.

     Feeling the bile creeping up from deep inside him as he stumbles outside, he quickly turns the corner behind the tent before he heaves this morning’s partly digested breakfast into the grass. He throws up everything he has been holding, hoping the anguish will leave his body as well, but it doesn’t. When his stomach is empty, he is still left with the same misery.      “Fuck,” he chokes out, steadying himself against the steel corner pillar of the stable.      He wipes at his runny nose and his tears, sniffling. Get a hold of yourself, Dean, he lectures, you need to keep it together now. He straightens his back, looking down at the mess he made, closing his eyes for a second as he pulls in a careful breath. 

     “Dean?”      Recognizing his friend’s voice, the cowboy turns around. Benny stands behind him, worry in his clear blue eyes. Manning up and finding his footing again, Dean walks up to meet him. The Southerner hands him a bottle of water, and even though the receiver is thankful for having something to rinse his mouth with, he wishes it to be something a whole lot stronger.

     Taking a swig, he lets it wash away the sour taste before he spits it onto the ground. After another attempt he realizes that it’s no use and takes a careful sip this time, swallowing it down to put out the fire inside his chest. He glances at Benny, giving him a nod.      “I - I’m good,” he says, not just trying to convince his companion. “I’m good.”

     Knowing him well, his best friend doesn’t contradict him, even though it’s clear as day the statement is far from the truth. Dean’s eyes are bloodshot, his hand trembling when he moves the bottle to his mouth.      “You might wanna get to the warm-up,” Benny reminds him, handing him the headset.      The wrangler grimaces. “Shit, yeah. What time is it?”      “Two-thirty. Her starting time is in twenty-five minutes,” the Southerner says.      “I gotta get goin’,” Dean realizes after cursing again, moving past him to make his way to the arena. He holds up the water bottle as he jogs away. “Thanks.”

     Hoping his friend will understand that he’s thanking him for a lot more than just the drink, he hastens away. Right now, he has someone else who needs his support. Y/N has left the stables well over fifteen minutes ago, so he hopes she’s not nervous because of his late arrival. When he finally reaches the fence, he spots her amongst the other riders, warming up Joplin. He can tell she’s focused, or is she upset with him for not being on time? Finding it hard to read her from a distance, he sums it up to a mixture of both. Without disturbing the other competitors, he bends down to duck under the barrier, approaching her and her horse. But when she ignores him completely and continues to work the Quarter on a small circle, he hesitates. 

     “Y/N?” he calls out, not sure if she saw him from inside her bubble.      “What?” she snaps.      Taken aback by her reaction, he watches how she keeps circling, slowing down to a walk, but still not stopping to take the headset or even grant him a look.      “C’mon, let me help you,” he ushers, holding up the device for her.      But when she looks him in the eye, the coldness they behold frightens him. “Why do you even care?” she wonders. “I’m ‘just an intern’ anyway.”

     Like she just slapped him across the face, Dean stares at the cowgirl, the daggers she’s shooting at him with her powerful gaze stabbing him right in the heart. No no no, he thinks to himself as he closes his eyes. She wasn’t supposed to hear him say that to his father. He labeled her as an intern only to make sure John wouldn’t be able to get to Dean through his girlfriend. Of course he didn’t mean a word of it! He has to make her understand.      “Yankee, I’m sorry. I--”      “Forget it, Dean. I can handle myself,” she snarls. “Leave me alone.”

     With that, she moves away from her boyfriend, riding Joplin to the other side of the warm-up ring, as far from him as possible. Regretful, her trainer saunters back towards the fence, making his way out of the ring. When he straightens himself, he is met by Jo, who has her arms crossed in front of her chest as she narrows her eyes at her cousin. It’s clear as day that she’s about to rip him a new one as well.      “What did you do?” she demands to know, sternly.

     Dean looks at her, opening his mouth to answer, but unable to even utter a word. I fucked up, that’s what I did, he realizes. Like he has fucked up everything else that was ever good in his life. He doesn’t reply, though, and instead shakes his head, admitting his loss.      “Here.” Dean hands her the small device with a microphone attached to it, his fingers still trembling. “Help her if she needs assistance, alright?”      Perplexed, she watches him walk off. She at least expected a counter with a claim that he didn’t do anything wrong.      “You’re not gonna even watch her ride?” she asks before he’s too far gone.      “I’ll watch from the bleachers. I don’t wanna distract her,” he returns, sadly looking into her eyes before he carries on.

     Observing her cousin, an uneasy feeling settles in her stomach. The guilt is oozing from him in great amounts as he disappears in the crowd, his head hanging, the usual upbeat attitude nowhere to be found. What has gotten into him? Something must have happened, something bad. She can’t recall the last time she has seen him this troubled, not since… Jo’s eyes grow a little larger, her brows that were knitted together a moment ago now rising. Suddenly it dawns on her; she hasn’t seen him so thrown into disarray since he arrived at the ranch at fourteen years of age. She might have been only eight at the time, but those memories lingered. The sight of a kid so scared, so depressed, and so broken left an impression. Even as a little girl she knew he had been through hell, and by the looks of her cousin now, it seems like those dark days are catching up with him.

     Jo wants to go after the poor guy, but she knows she can’t abandon her best friend. When the steward calls out Y/N’s name, announcing she’s up next, she focuses on the rider again. Right now she is her main priority, because whatever happened between the intern and the wrangler, Jo knows she’s Dean’s priority too.

     “Ready?” she checks while quickly drying Joplin with a towel before they head towards the gate.      “Yeah, I am,” Y/N assures, pushing Dean from her thoughts.      “Remember that it’s fine to pick your first cow from the side of the herd, okay? Don’t set the bar too high. It’s your first time,” the blonde cowgirl offers.      “I know,” she assures, even though she’s not planning on playing it safe.

     The frustration has morphed into determination, a strong will to prove that she can manage just fine and that Bobby has every reason to dote on her. She much rather feels aggravated than insecure, so she allows the anger to flood the worry, shutting out her usual insecurity. She’s not going to let anyone down, especially not herself. 

     Concentrated, she goes to the gate, eye for the prize. Joplin already has her ears perked towards the cattle, knowing it’s game time. The clock starts to tick, and with confidence, she guides Joplin through the group of heifers, picking one dead in the middle to single out.

     She doesn’t know Dean is watching from the sidelines, and intense sadness filling his soul. She doesn’t know how proud he is when she makes two amazing cuts and she scores 73 points, outclassing him. She doesn’t know that he’s very much aware that his girl doesn’t need him anymore.

     Swift strokes brush the dirt out of Joplin’s dark coat. Dust particles dance in the air, illuminated by the orange rays of the setting sun that fall through the window of the stable. The mare allows the pampering, on hindleg resting on its toe, her head hanging low. Big, brown eyes are half closed, falling shut every once in a while. Sleep almost taking the normally feisty horse, the grooming having a relaxing effect on her. It’s almost as if she realizes she’s about to go on a new adventure, and she’s taking this moment to recharge after her run.

     Jody has matched Joplin with a great family. A sixteen-year-old girl will be riding her. The teenager and her parents came to meet her new horse right after the great performance, absolutely beaming, knowing this wonderful animal was now theirs. In about fifteen minutes, Joplin’s new owners will be here to take her to their farm in Alamo, New Mexico. The family promised to give the Quarter a forever home, and they showed Y/N pictures of the beautiful barn where the little dark horse is going to live. She’s going to a good place, but the farewell remains bittersweet.

     Once the Joplin is thoroughly cleaned, her rider takes her by the halter, raking her fingers through her mane. Y/N has never been good at saying goodbye, but it’s time now.      “Be good, okay?” she whispers, letting her hands gently run down the horse’s neck. “And don’t pin your ears back too much. People are gonna think you’re mean, but I know you’re a softy.”

     Joplin breathes out a sigh through her nose as if answering the person who has been her companion for the past month. It’s peculiar how fast a bond between human and animal can form. There has been a connection between them since the first time Y/N saddled her up for a trail. The thought of buying the beautiful Quarter herself has crossed the cowgirl’s mind ever since she learned Bobby planned to sell her, but no matter how difficult, this is also an aspect of the business that she needs to get used to. When she will finally have her own stables in a year's time, horses will come and go. She can’t keep every one of them, and so she needs to set Joplin free.

     Judging by the hollow sounds under the tent’s roof, the new owners are on their way. She can distinguish Jody’s voice, and Bobby’s too. A girl with long, brown hair and bright eyes peers over the stable door, already glancing at the beautiful horse lovingly.      “I bought her new transport boots,” she announces enthusiastically. “Wouldn’t want her to get hurt on the trailer. I also got a rug for when it gets a little colder during the night. Do you think she will like that?”      The teenager holds up a red, woolen rug, which matches the leg protection perfectly. Y/N chuckles at the sight. Joplin is going to get so spoiled.      “Those look amazing.” She reaches for one of the boots. “Here, let me help.”

     They strap on the protective wear together while Bobby, Jody, and the parents close the deal on the other side of the alleyway. After the money is counted, the ranch owner hands over the horse’s passport together with a certificate of ownership, shaking their hands once more. Y/N waits for her boss to look her way, wondering if he - as owner - should give Joplin away, but the old man gives her a friendly nod, telling her without words that she will have the honor.

     “Well, I guess this is it,” she says, fumbling with the leadrope. “She’s yours now.”      “Thank you,” the young cowgirl returns. “We will take good care of her. Promise.”      Not trusting her voice, the Y/N smiles warmly, but there isn’t a doubt in her mind that the family will. She doesn’t want to get emotional, it wouldn’t be professional after all. And so she does her very best to blink the mist from her eyes when she offers the leadrope, handing over Joplin to her new owner.

     The family who just gained an additional member exits the stables, heading to the trailers to start their journey home. The rider, the trader, and the rancher watch them leave, all with smiles on their faces. Everyone involved in this sale wins. Y/N can’t help it, though, and has to wipe a lonely tear from her cheek. Jody, who notices, wraps an arm around her shoulder, sheltering and comforting.      “Sorry,” the cowgirl excuses, a little embarrassed.      “Don’t be sorry, honey,” she dismisses sweetly. “Caring matters, especially when money comes into play. Someone who cares has far better judgment than someone who’s greedy. Remember that.”      Y/N smiles at the wise words, storing that piece of advice with all the others she has picked up along the way. 

     “Pretty good ride,” Bobby compliments his intern, in his own way trying to cheer her up. “Especially at your first cutting class.”      Jody glances aside at the ranch owner, not impressed with his choice of words, before pulling the cowgirl closer into a side hug. “Pretty good? Are you kidding me? You absolutely slayed it! If you’re not giving that girl a rider’s fee, I will.”      “Oh, that’s really not necessary,” Y/N objects.      “No, you deserve it,” he insists while leafing through the hundred dollar bills in a large envelope.      “Bobby, it’s okay. I am already super grateful for everything I’m learning and the experiences that I’m gaining. You have already given me a room and a stable, not to mention Ellen’s cooking. You really don’t have to pay me.” 

     Y/N shortly places her hand on her boss’s to seize his actions, wanting him to stop counting. The Gold Canyon Ranch might have made good money over the past three days, yet that doesn’t mean a financial disaster is avoided. She doesn’t want a share.      The old man holds her gaze and she can tell he’s wondering if either Dean or Jo have spilled a little too much information. Maybe it is because of that assumption that he settles and lets it go.     “At least lemme buy you a drink, huh?” he offers before he turns to his business partner. “I just have to round a few things up with Jody here.”      “Alright, see you in a bit,” Y/N returns.

     As the two business partners walk off to look for a private place where Bobby can give the woman who has made the sale possible her commissioner’s fee, the cowgirl slips into the tack room. She decides to start packing, since the crew presumingly will leave in a couple of hours. She has to keep busy, but Dean breaks into thoughts straight away. Sighing deeply, the cowgirl tries to wrap her head around her boyfriend’s reasoning. His words, which had her freeze to the ground for a second as she left him with his father, still ring in her ears. She’s just an intern. Why would he say such a thing? Why hadn’t he expressed that she is his girlfriend? Why did he never mention his father to her? And if he isn’t even able to talk to her about his family, what else is he hiding?

     Her train of thought is interrupted by Jo, who hastily rushes around the corner, her restless eyes searching the tack room before she checks the stables.      “Have you seen Dean?” she asks, concerned.      “No,” Y/N bitterly answers.      “Okay, enough.” Jo places her hands on her hips, shifting her weight to one leg. “What the hell is going on with you two?”      “You tell me,” her friend responds coldly. “I was under the impression we were doing just fine until Dean wasn’t even able to introduce me. Clearly, I value our relationship more than he does.”

     “What are you talking about? He’s crazy about you,” the blonde cowgirl reminds her.      “Is he?” Y/N spins on her heels, finally looking her in the eye. “Because for someone who claims to care about me, he sure keeps an awful lot of secrets.”      Jo sighs. “Look, I know Dean isn’t the guy who’s very chatty about those kinds of things, but what makes you say that he doesn’t care?”      “Because he couldn’t even tell his family - who he failed to tell me about, by the way - that I’m his girlfriend! He told his father that I am just an int--”      “Whoa whoa, wait. His father?” Her best friend stares at her bug-eyed, needing a moment to process the information. “His father is here?!”      “Yeah, he showed up in the stables earlier to visit him, before I got on Joplin,” she confirms, somewhat confused by her shocked expression.      Jo steps towards the intern, grabbing both her shoulders and looking at her intensely. “Are you absolutely sure?”      Y/N shrugs a little, not understanding the earnesty. “He looked a lot like Dean, and he called him his son, so I’m assuming.”

     Her best friend just gapes at her, her cousin’s demeanor by the warm-up ring suddenly making much more sense. If he had an encounter with his father, his entire world just got turned upside down. Judging by how messed up he was when his only living parent left him to rot when he was still a child, she can only imagine what his return after all that time has set in motion.

     “We need to find Dean, now,” she says, grabbing her friend by the wrist and pulling her out of the tack room. “I’ll explain along the way.”      Unsettled, Y/N fastens her pace to jog next to the ranch owner’s daughter. “Jo, what’s going on?”      “Dean didn’t lie to you when he said that he hadn’t seen his family in a while. In fact, the two haven’t been in contact for fifteen years,” she explains as they exit the stables.

     Stunned by the revelation, the cowgirl next to her tries to make sense of it all. Fifteen years? Why would he have cut all ties with his dad for fifteen years? She can’t possibly imagine doing such a thing. Something horrible must have happened, something beyond comprehension.      “That still doesn’t explain why he described me as anything else but his girlfriend,” Y/N  brings up.      “Listen, you don’t know John. He is a manipulative son of a bitch who has played dirty mind games before. If Dean let on that you were just someone working at the ranch, he was trying to protect you.”      Y/N stops dead in her tracks, her hand which is still entwined with Jo’s causing her friend to spin around. “He w - what?” 

     “You need to talk to him,” her friend insists, dragging her into motion again. “My guess is that he found a place to be alone or he’s liquoring up. Either way, your man is spiraling out of control and he's gonna need his girl in order to get out of that vicious circle.”      “He - he won’t talk to me,” she stammers. “Not after how I was with him before my run. God, I can’t believe I was so self-absorbed. I thought he didn’t want me there because he was embarrassed of me, and you’re telling me he was making sure I was safe?”

     Jo wishes her companion wouldn’t put herself down like that, because the blonde cowgirl honestly gets why she reacted the way she did, being unaware of the family drama. She never thought the day would come, but here she is, defending her cousin’s honor.

     “Like I said; he’s crazy about you, Sis. He has never been like this with somebody else, so if there’s anyone who can through to him it’s you. He might try to--”      “- push me away, I know. That’s kind of his thing. I won’t let him,” Y/N promises.      Jo nods at that, glad she was able to convince her. “Good, now we just have to find him.”

     They arrive at the square where all the shops are situated, most of the stand holders packing their unsold products into cars and onto trailers. The sun has disappeared behind the horizon, the skies painted with red. There are a few people around, music coming from the tent further up where the after-party is in full swing. They meet Benny at the crossing, though, who is looking for his friend as well.      “Have you seen him?” Y/N asks the farrier, who has the same worried frown on his face as the girls.      “I tried the trailers, but no luck,” Benny says. “Stables?”      But she shakes her head. “We were just there.”

     The three glance aside when a group of young guys stumbles out of the tent, alternated colored beams in their wake, coming from the disco lights inside. The concern that has Jo’s intestines in knots worsens, because if Dean has hit the bar, reasoning with him is going to be problematic. 

     Y/N enters the tent, backed up by the other two members of the Gold Canyon Ranch. The band plays a happy, upbeat country song that contradicts the alarming anxiety and dread that is riding her nerves like a racetrack. Frantically, she looks around, trying to identify her boyfriend amongst the crowd. She doesn’t see him in the booths on her right, nor around the dancefloor which she and Dean owned two nights prior. Once she convinces him that she understands why he said those things and that he did nothing wrong, she can wrap her arms around him again, comfort him with a kiss and ask him for another dance. He can continue to be the wonderful, supportive boyfriend, making her laugh and making her smile, lifting her up and making her feel appreciated. They can go back to how things were.

     Trying to convince herself that everything is going to be fine, she moves through the mass of people towards the beer taps, when she stops suddenly, the wind being knocked from her lungs by the sight in front of her. At the end of the bar, she finds Dean. Not nursing a beer, sad and alone like she expected to find him, but in company of the same girl who was all over him on Friday night as well; Jamie. The cowboy, already intoxicated, leaning into her when the blonde whispers something in his ear, touching his arm as she does. A blind man would be able to see the chemistry, their conversation easy and carefree. The beautiful girl seated on the stool next to her boyfriend doesn’t show a sign of insecurity, her cheerful and confident personality matching Dean’s perfectly. She is everything Y/N isn’t.

     Unable to move, she watches the film play out before her, a story of fun and romance that will push her story with Dean to a tragic end. Tears begin to fill her eyes, her breath hitching in her throat. A part of her hopes that he will turn around and see the devastation that his actions are causing, but he doesn’t, occupied by the gorgeous old flame which seems to have ignited something new. He doesn’t even see me, she realizes. He doesn’t see her, because once again it has been made perfectly clear she’s not worth holding on to. That has always been the case whenever it came to love, hasn’t it? So why on earth did she think that with Dean it was going to be any different? And just like that, she’s back to being invisible again. 

     Abruptly, Y/N turns around, desperately needing to get out of the buzzing atmosphere, but she collides with Jo the second she does.      “Woah! Where are you--” Jo steadies her friend when she almost falls over, holding her by her arms. Stunned, she stares into her eyes, noticing how they are glazed over with absolute heartbreak. “What’s going on?”

     But Y/N just shakes her head, moving past her hastily; she can’t stay here a second longer. The upset girl struggles towards the exit and ignores Benny, who watches her departure, perplexed. When he straightens himself again, he glances at Jo, as much confusion on his features as on hers. But when his focus locks on his buddy at the bar, his face falls.      “That son of a bitch,” he mutters, his remark triggering the blonde cowgirl before him to turn around as well.

     Jo’s jaw falls slack, observing as the two order another round of shots. She can’t believe what she’s seeing. She can’t believe she’s witnessing the man who she thought had made a change for the better, now making a turn for the worse. Frustration boils inside of the petite yet feisty woman, who is biting down hard on her bottom lip when she faces Benny again.      “You talk some sense into him before he really crosses the line,” she directs. “I’m gonna go after Y/N and see if I can repair the damage.”

     The broad-shouldered wrangler nods and watches Jo take off before he goes in the other direction. He pushes through the mass of people who are enjoying the last party of the event, all oblivious to the dramatic scene they are all a part of. He senses that the drama might become a whole lot worse if he doesn’t manage to pull Dean’s head off his ass.

     “What do you think you’re doin’, brother?” Benny claps his hand on his friend’s shoulder, interrupting him before he downs the shot waiting for him on the bar.      He scoffs. “What does it look like?”      “Seems to me you’re about to get a lil’ too friendly with a gal that ain’t yours,” the farrier says with a lowered voice, hoping it will enlighten him.      “We’re just having a drink,” Dean counters, annoyed, reaching for the glass in front of him, but Benny pushes it out of reach.      “Do you think that’s what Y/N saw too when she was here just now?”      Now he does get the cowboy’s attention, common sense finally pushing to the forefront. “She was here?” he questions, dumbfounded.      “Yep, and you’ve got somethin’ to fix. Let’s go,” Benny suggests, his large hand flat on his companion’s back calmly pushing him off the chair and onto his feet, both men giving Jamie a short nod before they leave the party.

     The fresh air slaps Dean in the face when he exits the tent, sobering him up enough to realize how bad he screwed up. He knew it was a horrible idea to do the one thing his dad always did when the pain got too much to bear; hit the alcohol and drown his sorrow. But that’s the thing, isn’t it? No matter how hard he fights, no matter how different he aspires to be, he will always be just like his father. The same ego-centric, selfish and spineless dick that breaks everything he touches. 

     When the two men stop in the middle of the square, Benny looks around, trying to find the girls. He doesn’t spot them sitting at any of the outside tables, nor by the restrooms.      “It don’t matter, I already fucked it up anyway,” Dean mutters when his friend glances between the market shops.      The farrier pauses his search and gazes at him superciliously through half-lidded eyes. “No disrespect, Chief, but what the hell is wrong with you?”      “You really want me to get started on that list? Because if so, we’re gonna be here for a while,” the wrangler returns snarky, avoiding his friend’s blue eyes, taking a few steps away with his hands on his hips.      “John showing up here is not y—”      “Don’t!” Dean interrupts with venom in his voice, spinning around and pointing a firm finger at Benny. “Don’t you dare bring up my father.”

     He’s trembling, the anger that ran in John’s blood for years now raging through his veins. Fire sets alight his insides, flames dancing in his pupils that glare at his comrade warningly. The Southerner takes a tentative step towards him, realizing he needs to get through to Dean, but has to handle the subject as carefully as possible.      “You are not him. I know this,” he speaks slow. “I know you love Y/N, too.”

     But Dean scoffs and shakes his head, not just denying that he does, but refusing to allow himself that kind of fulfillment. He was stupid to even think that he ever had a chance with her. It was just a matter of time before it all would come crashing down on him, ruining everything that he never deserved in the first place. He can’t love her, because if he does, she will fall victim to him, just like he did to his dad.

     “Listen, brother. You’re not seein’ straight right now, but you can still make this right,” Benny continues. “You care too much about her to just throw in the towel. Remember when she first came to the ranch? You were smitten the second she walked through those doors. You called dibs on her for a reason.”

     The cowboy’s shoulders rise as he inhales deeply and fall again when he blows out a breath. Of course he remembers. He remembers the first time he laid eyes on her over his poker cards, how she responded to him from across the saloon. He remembers how she gave him a run for his money when he came on too strong. He remembers how he panicked when she didn’t seem interested and the idea of her being with someone else had him strike an agreement with his best mate. He remembers the rides, their first kiss, the moment i--      “You called dibs on me?”

     Stunned by the unexpected voice, both men turn to where it came from. Benny gulps thickly when he notices Y/N stepping from under the awning of one of the food trucks, Jo in her shadow. Even in the dim glow from the overhanging strings of lightbulbs, he can see her eyes shimmer with despair.      “Y/N, it ain’t as bad as it s--”      But the cowgirl cuts him off immediately, shooting Benny a glare. “You can stop with the Southern smooth talk. I need to talk to Dean alone.”

     After exchanging looks over the course of several uncomfortable seconds, both Benny and Jo step aside, sauntering away from the couple. Once their friends have disappeared behind one of the trailers, Y/N returns her focus to her boyfriend again, her judgemental stare boring into his soul.      “I asked you a question,” she repeats, managing to prevent her voice from trembling. “Did you make some kind of pact with your buddies?”

     Dean doesn’t answer, but he sets his jaw, the muscles flexing under his stubble. He lifts his eyes from the ground for a moment, glancing over before he averts them again. The woman standing a few feet away from him chuckles cynically; she knows enough.

     “So what, women are like cattle to you? This is a funny bet?”      The cowboy frustratingly shakes his head once. “You know it’s not.”      “Do I?!” Y/N returns, her tone sharper and higher than anticipated. “Because if this isn’t just a game, then why did you shove me aside for some blonde broad--”      “For fuck’s sake, we were just having a drink! We had this argument already!” Dean snaps, throwing his arms to the side.

     Taken aback by the hostility, Y/N stares at him. She has seen this anger before, but just a glimpse of it. It was when Ash lost his job and blamed them, in particular Dean, who took the acquisitions hard. That evening it was mostly guilt that triggered the cowboy to lash out to her and the second he realized he had upset her, he apologized. But now an apology doesn’t even seem to cross his mind that is clouded by darkness far greater. At this point, she’s not sure if she would be able to accept it anyway.

     “Well, it didn’t make much of a difference, now did it?” she returns after using the dreadful silence to recover.      “Apparently not,” Dean scoffs, shifting his unfocused gaze aside.      Mulling over the chain of events that have led to this moment, he swallows with difficulty, indignation taking off the heat for a bit, stopping it from boiling over. The calm gives Y/N enough courage to step closer.      “Dean, I know today was a whirlwind. I know - I’m aware that what happened in the stables earlier has sent you into a tailspin,” she sympathizes, careful not to mention his father after witnessing his outburst with Benny when he did, “but this isn’t you.”

     The disheartened guy before her huffs again, sardonic and hopeless. That’s the whole point, isn’t it? Because it’s exactly who he is. This is who he was always destined to be. It’s how he was raised, it’s in his DNA. For two months he allowed himself to hope that maybe he could change, that maybe he could be better than the poor excuse of a man his father was. Y/N gave him that pipe dream, and even though it’s unreasonable to be upset with her for seeing the good in him, it’s amongst one of the many frustrations he’s experiencing. 

     “It is. This -” Dean points at himself, his upper lip twitching with disgust. “- this is who I am.”      She shakes her head, not ready to give up. “It’s not. You are kind, loving, your heart is--”      “You don’t know me!” He exclaims, running a hand through his hair and trapping the light-brown locks between his fingers before he gestures wildly. “You think you do, but you don’t have a fucking clue! I haven’t told you anything about my life--”      “Then talk to me!” Y/N yells back as he turns away from her.      “I CAN’T!!” 

     Dean is facing her again, vexation flaring in his emerald green eyes. His heart beats so vigorously that it has his entire body pulsating. He takes her in, the beautiful young woman who he fell for, and he can see that her hope is fading. It pains him to hurt her, but he’s left with no choice. Being angry with him will make things easier, though. It will help her move on. If she is going to feel sorry for him, the pity would only prompt the caring girl to hold on and try to piece the shattered shards back together, and he can’t let that happen, simply because it’s useless. He refuses to take her down with him, to burden her with the same demons that he has to live with. He can’t do that to her, not to the one he loves. She’s way too good for him, so pure, so selfless and gentle. She’s everything he shouldn’t have, everything he isn’t worthy of. It’s better this way, it’s better to end it now. 

     “I can’t. Who you think I am, it’s not me. I’ve been lying to you, pretending. I can’t be the person you need me to be,” he claims, calmer now that he knows what he has to do.

     Y/N’s breathing picks up slightly, the air leaving her with a shudder each time. His words seem so definite already, but he can’t possibly believe that they are not right for each other, can he? All those moments they shared, all the affection he offered; that was real. That was him. Why can’t he see he’s exactly the man she needs?      “And what person is that?” she questions, hoping that whatever argument he fires back, she can turn around.

     Dean is quiet for a few seconds, thinking about a fitting answer. The profound fondness he feels for her begins to resurface and it’s tearing him apart. She needs to understand that the fairytale they have been living is a facade he can’t continue to maintain. Dreams never last forever, this is where they wake up.      “You need a guy who is honest, who you can trust. Look at us; I can’t even bring myself to tell you about my family, my past, or anything for that matter,” he reminds her.      “I knew what I was in for, Dean. I don’t expect you to spill every dark secret you think you have. You don’t have to spell out everything to be with me. We can work it out!” she argues desperately.      But the cowboy shakes his head, feeling the sorrow brim in his eyes. He wants her to be right so bad, but he knows he can’t live a lie.      “You don’t get it, okay? I’m a fucking mess. I did things that are unforgivable. I don’t have my shit together, but you do,” he says, a sad smile barely pulling at the corner of his mouth. “You know exactly where you wanna go in life, what you want to achieve.”      She steps closer, praying that if he lets her, she can eventually bridge the space between them.      “We can do that together,” she pleads with all the hope she has left.      “We can’t,” he returns, having gathered every bit of strength to look at her before he pronounces the words who he knows are the truth. “This isn’t gonna work.” 

     The tears that have gathered become too much even for a dam to withhold roll down her cheeks now. An already unbearable ache gets worse, her heart physically hurting and taking up so much space that Y/N feels like she can’t breathe. He can’t be doing this. He can’t pull the plug, not after all the epic moments they shared. Every warm look, every gentle touch, every loving kiss; every blissful memory. How can he possibly let go of that?      Refusal has her reach out to him, one last attempt to repair what is already broken. “Dean, stop… Why are you hurting me like this?” she cries.

     The cowboy drops his gaze while fighting the tears and the grief for what he’s losing. He wants to reach out too, take her hand in his, but he can’t cave now, he can’t be selfish. He has to do this for her.      “Because if I don’t, if I allow this to go any further, it’s gonna hurt a lot more.”      Dean fixates on anything but Y/N, no longer able to endure the sight of her falling apart in front of him. It’s dreadfully quiet as if the world stopped turning, and in a way, for the two individuals in the middle of the square, it just did.      “So - so what? This is it?” she stammers, her voice barely a whisper. “You’re breaking up with me?”      Biting his lip now, he focuses on what this decision will offer the woman at arm’s reach. An uncomplicated life in which she can pursue her dreams without having to worry about someone dragging her down. She can be free to do whatever she wishes and that’s all he can ask for. But in order to provide her with that opportunity, he has to let her go.      “Yeah. We’re over.”

     Like a bullet fired from a gun, the defining words rip through her chest and pierce her heart. The silence after the shot is deafening, canceling out the sounds of their surroundings. The streaming pathways of desolation gather at the end of her chin and drip down on the dry soil, enough to darken the dust. Her eyes are glued on him, though, but he doesn’t return her gaze. The conclusion of their relationship sinks in with every passing second, leaving her soul in ruins. It’s over. They are over. And there is nothing she can do to change the course of history.

     Unable to be in his presence, she forces her feet to move, turning away from the man she is no longer with. Dean can’t watch her leave, fixed on the dark earth where her tears fell just moments ago. From his peripheral vision, he notices Jo rushing by to go after her friend. Good, he thinks to himself, she’ll have someone to lean on. 

     After standing there for what feels like an hour, he takes a few hesitant steps towards one of the trailers, placing both hands flat on the metal, searching for something to ground him while he closes his eyes and lets his head hang. He can’t find it, though, not in the cold steel, not in his reasoning behind this brutal decision. The resentment builds again, and Dean pulls his right hand back, balls his fist, and almost puts a dent into the barrier before him. The action only confirms what he deep down knew to be true all along. All that rage, the self-hatred; he can’t bottle it up forever, so it’s for the best that Y/N will no longer be there to witness it. 

     Dean bends his elbows, his forearms now pressed against the iron and his forehead resting between his clenching fists, as he struggles to pull in a shaky breath. He feels like he’s imploding, the outer frame of his structure caving in on itself. His mouth falls open, his bottom lip trembling, then he allows the tears to cascade down his face. 

     He can sense Benny by his side, but Dean is too wrapped up in his own destruction to really acknowledge him. The comforting hand on his shoulder is a touch he barely registers, his body is already rebuilding its emotional walls, caging away his ability to feel and casting it in a permanent shadow. That’s where it will remain, encapsulated in darkness, cut out from the light that his girl had to give. Benny stays by his side, though, letting him know that he is there for his friend, as much as Jo is there for hers. 

     “Sis, wait,” the ranch owner’s daughter tries desperately, following the woman who just had her heart broken into the stables.      Her request remains unanswered, Y/N only stopping when she has reached Meadow’s box, her hands shaking while she tries to unlock the door. When she’s unable to, Jo quickly steps in and opens the gate, holding it for her companion. The bay horse has lifted her head, alerted by the commotion in the alley, but clearly recognizes the person stepping inside. She seems confused by her owner’s frail state of mind, though, pricked ears and concerned eyes taking in the situation. 

     The cowgirl folds an arm around Meadow’s neck while she buries her face in the Quarter’s brown coat, then she breaks. She breaks into a million segments, lost in the mixture of wood shavings and straw underneath their feet. The air is too thin to breathe and sobs wreck her entire form. 

     Never in her life has she felt so unwanted, purposeless, and vulnerable as she’s feeling now. Dean let her in and she trusted him to handle her with grace, yet the second she was comfortable with this new way of being, he pushed her out. She thought she knew the man she felt such a strong connection with. Yes, she realized very early on that it was going to be difficult to get through to him. The soldier with thick armor had stacked the barricades high, but that never intimidated her. After all, she had climbed mountains before. 

     She gave Dean her all, but in the end, it turns out it was useless. Y/N isn’t even sure what’s real and what’s not, if the cowboy has been wearing a mask all along, or just now turned into someone that he isn’t. It doesn’t matter, though. He has made himself perfectly clear; she is not the girl he wants to be with.

     The only one stopping her from collapsing is Meadow, who holds still like a statue, aware that if she moves, her owner will fall to the ground and might never be able to get up again. The horse senses exactly how to handle Y/N, the usually so spirited mare now timid and calm, picking up on the despairing energy. 

     Jo, who had silently slipped into the tack box to get a bottle of water and some tissues, comes back into the stable, tearing up at the sight of the two who have such a strong bond. The thousand-pound animal has curved her neck around her human, resting her large head on the cowgirl’s shoulder. As if trying to comfort her, Meadow twitches her lips, gently rubbing them against her owner’s back, her way of showing affection. People can be cruel sometimes, to others, to horses. Jo has witnessed it, and she knows Dean has too, which has ultimately led to his dreadful decision to cut Y/N loose, and by doing so he has hurt her in terrible ways himself. But at least the girl has her horse.

     Meadow, who is oblivious to the reason behind her owner’s sorrow, offers solace nonetheless. Quietly, she waits until the cries die down and the tears begin to dry, and even then she stays close to her person, having a better sense of direction than most humans do. Y/N’s four-legged friend is honest, treats her with kindness, and loves her unconditionally. It’s a special connection no man can ever steal away, yet many can learn from. This incredible being is her soul horse, a term Dean has taught her, the one who she thought was going to be her partner in life until he decided otherwise. He is right, though; it is over between them. She has lost Dean’s heart, but at the end of the day, no matter what happens, she will always have Meadow.

That’s that then. They are over...

Thank you for reading. I appreciate every single one of you, but if you do want to give me some extra love, you are free to like or reblog my work, shoot me a message or buy me coffee (Link to Kofi in bio at the top of the page).

Read part twenty-five here

[mariamermaid]

The witches wrath (1/3)

Tommy Shelby X fem witch reader

Summary: You meet Thomas when you were just a little girl travelling as a gypsy…

Words: 2.3k

Warnings: swearing, drinking, smoking

A/N: This doesn´t follow the plot of the show really

Halloween Masterlist

 You´ve met Thomas Shelby when you we´re eight- he was ten at the time- when his parents took him, Arthur and Baby John to the first Gypsy party ever. You stayed out of town from Birmingham with your trailers, back then you were a large group of gypsies, almost 50 people. People back then weren´t too bothered by you, not like today. Of course, from time to time there were some numbskulls who bore hatred towards the gypsies, but things were different back then.

They used to shout my name, now they whisper it.

He remembered the exact moment he saw you for the very first time like it was yesterday. He and Arthur had his first beer- he chuckled thinking back when today only whisky made him feel that way- and he sat by the fire. The cold night didn´t seem to bother any of the people, women danced in short skirts with tinkling jewelry and when his eyes glided through the crowd, he spotted you. You stood across him and he saw you through the flames- how ironic he thought. He saw you in flames for the first and for the last time…

You grinned at him devilish, waking a sense of adventures inside him like only you could do. He immediately followed you and watched you running through the rows of trailers. Then you disappeared, but he caught sight of a single candle shining from a trailer. Carefully he took the few stairs and then opened the door. A wave of heat hit him and he remembered the smoke from the build-in ovens rising above the small colony of gypsies. He remembered you sitting at the table, watching every move he made precisely, your hands softly grabbing the crystal ball, which mysteriously glowed purple.

“Do you want me to read your future?” He was unsure what to say, nervously he nodded and sat down across from you. You wore a headband with jewelry that hung over your forehead. Even back then there was smudged eye makeup that made your eyes shine in the dark.

“I see great fortune in your future, Thomas Shelby.” He opened his mouth, wanting to ask you about his name, but then kept quiet. Chills ran over his skin. “But it´ll be hard to get there, a long way is ahead of you. Don´t forget to seek your family in difficult times, they will always stand behind you supporting.”

 For a long time, you two were inseparably, constantly hanging around each other. His family, especially his brothers were first unsure about you, but they quickly learned to mess with you. Even Aida found a liking in you, since you often braided her hair.  His father loved you. He loved the wild spirit gypsies had, just like you. He loved it because when he, Tommy and you took the horses out for a run, you didn´t need a side saddle. And when the horse went faster and faster, you stretched out your arms, embracing the wind. Smelling the scent after rain had fallen. Closing your eyes and feeling sincere freedom. They admired that about you, Tommy and his father. “Get a hold of her, Tommy, ey? You gotta keep a girl like her!” He often told his son and Tommy would dutifully nod. Tommy admired your sense for adventures, he couldn´t even remember how often you had gotten him in trouble. But he remembered that every damn time, you had found a way out. Every single time. He still didn´t know how you had talked him in to stealing a horse, or when a new mayor was elected you had exchanged the pig with a dead dog. On his birthday the school was unexpectedly cancelled. You had dressed Aida´s cat in doll´s cloth when little John didn´t stop crying. You had wandered with him for two days straight to find a crystal for his mother´s birthday present. His dad had taught you how to shoot and while you were a natural, Tommy needed a lot of practice. But not once you laughed about him. Not when you came to his house and Arthur had stolen his clothes. Not when he cried because an older boy had punched him. You punched back, because you always had his back. You were partners in crime.

But then the gypsies left town and so did you. It broke his father´s heart to see his son like this. Tommy didn´t eat for days. And every night you laid awake in your bed, wondering about young Thomas Shelby. Praying that one day you could go back to him. And you did, but the circumstances weren´t as you expected them.

In a blood moon night, men had overrun the colony, they killed almost all men and they had taken the women, often raping them. You had to run away, knowing that if you looked back, there would be nothing left but ashes. And so, you returned to Birmingham. As a broken young woman with no qualification for a job. All your hope laid on Thomas Shelby…

 Your hands were shaking when your finger finally grabbed the bell to ring. It sounded off key, emptier and not how you remembered. A young boy opened the door, first tears formed in your eyes. “John.” You sighed. The young boy didn´t recognize you. “Yes?” He asked boldly. You chuckled. “Is Tommy here?” He nodded unsure and you followed him into the house. The smell of smoke laid thick in the air. You followed John to the kitchen and there sat they all. At the end of the table Tommy´s father, to his left Arthur, Thomas on his right. A young man with an angular face and piercing blue eyes. Aida sat on Arthur´s side and Polly ran around the kitchen. His father was just explaining something to him, when he realized a new person entering the room. Aida´s and Arthur´s fight also broke off and all of them suddenly stared at you. You had changed a lot over the years. You still had long hair, but it was now hidden under a scarf. Your face was denoted by a scar just above your eyes. It was also the eyes Tommy recognized. You had grown to a beautiful young woman and the minute his father saw you, his hope for Tommy to marry you, came back. But there was no smile on your red lips. “Y/n?” He asked confused. You couldn´t hide the pain behind your eyes. “Hello Thomas.” He still could read you. He knew you didn´t want them to see you cry. Immediately he jumped off his chair and a hand laid on your back while he pushed you in his room. You broke down in tears and he sat down next to you, his arms embracing you. He had missed you; it was undeniable. But over the years he had gotten used to it, used to being without you. But now you were back and he felt a missing piece coming back. “What happened?” He asked quietly. “They´re all gone.” You sobbed while inhaling his scent so deeply, hoping you would forget the horrifying pictures in your head. “We were close to the border to Scotland when more people started to riot against us. One night, men came and the killed our men and they took the women.” He pulled away, his hands grabbing your face.  A sudden wave hit his body, his stomach had this tightening feeling, that he couldn´t quite get a grip on. “Did they hurt you?” You shook your head. “I was able to flee.” He nodded and embraced you again. “I don´t know what to do. I have nothing left.” You then finally admitted after a long break of silence. “You have me.”

 He was right, he still had your back and you were endlessly thankful. Within a few months you were able to open a shop with healing herbs and medicine. And with the help of the Peaky Blinders, people more and more accepted you. You often helped rather poor workers who couldn´t afford a real doctor. And the shop filled you with hope. Hope for a new beginning.

It must have been three months after you moved to Birmingham, you just closed the shop for today. The night was already settling in, giving you cold shivers. You locked the door and packed the key away. When turning a man suddenly appeared. Surprised you recognized Tommy. “Geez Tommy! You scared me to death!” He chuckled lowly, a cigarette hanging loosely from the corner of his mouth. You could see the smoke in the soft shine of a lantern evaporating in the night sky. You smelled the bitter scent of whisky, he had been drinking. “What is it, Tom?” You asked while starting to walk. Your small flat was twenty minutes away from the shop and the walks often helped you clear your mind. And since you had moved there was one particular thing that was very often on your mind. Thomas Shelby himself. Of course, you had realized the man he had become and you admired him. He was brave, courageous and smart, sometimes bold but always reading the situations right. But not only his traits, but physical as well. His strong jawline, his bewitching blue eyes, his full lips. You both had grown up and you cursed at yourself every time your thoughts slipped. He was your best friend. “Can I walk you home?” You laughed. “I don´t know, can you?” You grinned when he hearing his drunken accent. He loved your laugh. It was one of the few things that still seemed carefree about you. You tucked your arm into his and together you walked to your flat. For more than half of the time you were silent. It drove you crazy not knowing what exactly was on his mind. Drunk Tommy was fairly new for you. He was unpredictable, especially when he had too much. But you liked his rebellious side, you found it remarkable attractive. You were only a few minutes from your home away when he finally spoke up. “Y/n?” “Hm?” You hummed in response, acting like you hadn´t waited the past minutes for him to speak up about what he wanted. “You know dad always hoped that we´d marry.” You huffed. “I know.” “Do you know I hoped so as well?” You stopped, looking up to his steel blue eyes. “What do you mean, Thomas?” And then, without a warning he leaned down and pressed his lips sloppily on yours. He wished he hadn´t been that drunk, that the first kiss wouldn´t be so messy. You pulled back, the action took you by surprise and stumbled a few steps back. He could´ve slapped himself. Good job, you fucked it up! “I´m sorry Y/n, I don´t know what has gotten into me.” You tried to calm down your breathing and after a few second you were able to look back into his eyes. “Maybe you should sleep off the whisky.” You suggested and he chuckled sadly. “You´re right.” He was hurt and for once, he couldn´t show it to you. You had pulled back, you didn´t want him. And the worst part? He was relieved! He hated when he drifted off in the middle of a meeting just because he suddenly thought about you. He hated it because he was afraid. Damn right, Thomas Shelby was afraid. Afraid to lose his best friend.

He turned to leave, but suddenly you grabbed his arm. “Maybe… Maybe you shouldn´t go back on your own. You´re not in the best condition.” You admitted and smiled at him devilishly. Oh, how he had missed that smile. And then you pressed your lips against his. First, he didn´t respond, but when finally realizing that you were actually kissing him back, his hands cupped your face and pulled you closer. He literally pulled you off your feet and carried you to your flat. (You still don´t know how he did that.) But when arriving at the front door of your house he already pushed you against the doorframe, his kisses getting more passionate and less sloppy. While his kisses even travelled down your neck you fiddled the key into the keyhole and opened the door. You walked up the stairs, there was no light in the house. Under you lived an elderly woman who went to bed early. She seemed nice but if you were honest, you didn´t talk much with her. One hand laid on the railing while the other hand pulled Tommy up behind you. He didn´t know the house like you did, but he trusted you and followed you through the dark. When you finally entered your flat and you turned on a small candle, he could finally see your face again.

“Do you know how often I had thought about kissing you?” He admitted and you watched the flame reflect in his orbs. “Why didn´t you do it?” He swallowed and pushed a strand of your hair, his finger travelling down the side of your face to your neck. “I was afraid”, he admitted. You smiled softly, grabbing his face with both of your hands. “Thomas Shelby, whatever happens, I will always be there for you, no matter what. I promise.”

 “I´ll come back, I promise.” Thomas nodded, his head leaning against yours. Tears had dried against your cheek, it didn´t help anymore. War had settled between humanity and desire for power and men were called to fight. “Tommy, we gotta go”, his father stepped to the two of you. To his right Arthur, fear and pain in his eyes. Neither of them wanted to go. “Bring him back to me, will you?” You asked and he nodded, his eyes travelling to the ground. Tommy´s hands were still grabbing your waist, but you felt the cold when he left your starving touch. A last time, he pressed his lips on yours. “I love you, Y/N.” A sob escaped your lips again. “And I love you, Thomas Shelby and if you don´t come back, I´ll come and get you myself.”

[o-fantome]

Hamilton Musical Essay

First off, I want to say that if you like the musical, that’s fine. I’m not trying to tell you not to like it. I’m simply expressing my thoughts about it.

Secondly, this is mostly about things the musical got wrong, but there is definitely going to be some bias and opinions in here. So don’t take anything I say (unless I have provided a source) as fact.

Now, let's go through this show one song at a time.

(quick warning, this post is long. very long. and will take a while to read. i apologize in advance)

ACT I

Alexander Hamilton

I don't have much of a problem with this song, and it is pretty good. However, I do wish that they hadn’t glossed over his early years. I get that they were not that interesting, but they played such a big part in his life, especially in his later years when he was in politics. 

“Me? I loved him” haha no. that line should have been said by Eliza and Laurens. Not Eliza, Angelica and Maria/Peggy.

Aaron Burr, Sir

Oh boy, oh boy, I have quite a bit to say about this one.

I strongly dislike the portrayal of Burr throughout the whole show. I get what LMM was going for with the whole “it’s how history sees him” but, you could’ve given him a bit more character. 

Burr singing “Fools that run their mouths off wind up dead” and then Laurens walking out immediately after is clever, because Laurens really was a fool who ran his mouth off quite a lot. Like the time he yelled at the king of France, King Louis XVI.

There's the obvious mistake that Hamilton met John Laurens, Hercules Mulligan and the Marquis de Lafayette at completely different times. He didn’t even meet burr in 1776 as we see here. He met burr in 1772-1773 when Hamilton briefly went to Princeton.

Laurens, Mulligan and Lafayette have very little character (which is something a lot of the people in this show struggle with.) for people who were pretty close to Hamilton, (especially Laurens) they don't seem like they were written to be very important characters. Their personality in this show can be summed up in a sentence.

And there's the other obvious mistake that Lafayette (and probably Laurens as well) never met Mulligan.

My Shot

The foreshadowing is good, I'll give it that.

For some reason, the chemistry between Lafayette and Mulligan-- who, again, never actually met-- is better than the chemistry between Hamilton and Laurens. What's up with that, huh?

“Wait ‘til I sally in on a stallion with the first black battalion” Laurens never got his black battalion. Congress approved the plan, but the South Carolina Legislative Assembly did not.

“Laurens, I like you a lot” get outta here with that crap. Either make their relationship a bigger part in the musical or keep it out completely. I hate how subtle and glossed over their relationship is in this show.

I do like Laurens’ little part in this song, it’s a rare part of the show where we see his actual personality instead of just “grr slavery bad alcohol good.” Anthony Ramos is a very good singer.

This song is pretty good story-wise. It is very well written. Hamilton’s monologue is surprisingly accurate to the real Alexander Hamilton and his beliefs.

The Story of Tonight

It has a good vibe, and I think it’s the closest we see Laurens and Hamilton throughout the entire show, which is kinda nice.

Again with the Lafayette-Mulligan thing LMM why???

The Schuyler Sisters

LMM unintentionally created a monster when he wrote that “and Peggy” line. That joke is one of the most overused and unfunny jokes in this show and its fandom.

Having Angelica be the “strong woman” in the show was a good idea on paper, but it’s not all that accurate to the real Angelica Schuyler, and it’s like her only personality trait (aside from the whole Hamilton and Angelica thing but I’ll talk more on that later)

I'm gonna say this a lot but oh my god these people have no character to them. Not even Eliza Schuyler-- Hamilton’s frickin wife.

Listen ok I am strictly attracted to men but Phillipa Soo is an absolutely beautiful and amazing and talented person. She has full permission to step on me.

Farmer Refuted

The farmer refuted was a pamphlet published by Hamilton in 1775 in response to something Samuel Seabury wrote about how the congress in Philadelphia was bad. Not an actual public debate like you see in the show. But I’ll let this one slide because having the actors read pamphlets onstage would be a lot less entertaining.

That’s pretty much it the song isn’t that interesting.

You’ll Be Back

This is probably just me but I don’t like how King George III steaks the show and is the main source of comedy. When I asked family members after their first viewing of the show who their favourite character was, almost all of them said the King. 

Mr. Groff, please keep your spit to yourself.

As far as my knowledge of King George III goes-- and I do not know a lot about him so don’t take this too seriously-- this song is a pretty accurate depiction of ‘The Mad King.’

Redcoat Interlude

Just gonna put this here to say The Bullet is a really cool character.

Right Hand Man

Chris Jackson has the voice of an angel.

I don’t like the way Washington is characterized. At some points, he’s over-glorified, but at other parts of the show, he’s downplayed a lot, and it doesn’t at all seem like the real George Washington.

Washington and Hamilton’s relationship in this show is so off from what it would’ve been historically. You don’t see it much in this song so I won’t say much here for the sake of keeping things organized, but I’ll discuss it later when it’s more obvious

Mulligan is shown in a continental uniform, yet he was not in the army. He was a spy. He wouldn’t have worn a uniform.

As with a lot of songs in this show, the music and choreography are amazing. The ensemble is so so talented. 

This scene where Burr is meeting with Washington isn’t entirely wrong, but it’s not exactly how it happened. According to Wikipedia, “In the spring of 1776, Burr's stepbrother Matthias Ogden helped him to secure a position with George Washington's staff in Manhattan, but he quit on June 26 to be on the battlefield.”

Hamilton did not meet Washington at the same time as Burr. He joined Washington’s staff in the spring of 1777.

I’m not exactly sure what he’s referring to when he says “I have some friends, Laurens, Mulligan, Marquis de Lafayette” but I do know that Laurens and Lafayette were not his friends at this point. They weren’t even in America at the time. Mulligan was, and he was good friends with Hamilton.

A Winter’s Ball

The formatting here is wild. This happened in 1780, I don’t know why LMM skipped ahead to this.

“We’re reliable with the ladies” ok that is true I’ll admit.

What is Laurens doing here? He was a prisoner of war in Phillidelphia when Hamilton met Eliza.

Helpless

Eliza was not “helpless.” If anything, Hamilton was the one head-over-heels for her. 

Hamilton. Was. Not. Into. Angelica. Angelica. Was. Not. Into. Hamilton. 

Hamilton’s little speech to Eliza after he gains her father’s blessing is kinda cute and pretty accurate.

A lot of the people shown in this scene were not at Hamilton’s wedding. 

Laurens is shown as Hamilton’s best man, but at the time of Hamilton’s wedding, he was travelling north to meet with Washington after finding out he is to be sent on a diplomatic mission to France. James McHenry, a fellow Aide-De-Camp to Washington, was Hamilton’s best man.

Satisfied

I hate how this is such a good song because what it’s about is probably my least favourite part of this show.

There is no evidence of Angelica being romantically attracted to Hamilton. They likely had a brother-sister kind of bond.

Now, having Angelica as the side love interest wouldn’t have been that bad if it was a real thing, but it wasn’t. LMM intentionally re-wrote a part of history to have her in it, when he could’ve kept the same storyline, and have Laurens be the side love interest. If he had given Laurens that role, he could’ve made the show more historically accurate, and it would bring to light a part of history many people try to erase. But in giving Angelica that role, he has not only completely changed a part in history but has also erased the fact that Alexander Hamilton-- nor John Laurens, for that matter-- was straight. LMM had so much power. He was writing a musical about a founding father. He could have brought so many things we didn’t know to light. And yet, we’re stuck with this.

Angelica was not the person who introduced Hamilton to Angelica. It was most likely Cathrine “Kitty” Livingston, a friend and possible love interest to Hamilton that he met before he joined the army.

Angelica had brothers. 

The Story of Tonight (Reprise)

“I’ve seen wonders great and small” *gestures down* I’m sorry sir what?

They were all married before Hamilton. 

Wait For It

This is a beautiful song and it doesn’t have much wrong with it. 

Stay Alive

Sweet lord the timeline is terrible. The battle of Monmouth happened in 1778 before Hamilton got married.

Here is a better example of the strange portrayal of Washington and Hamilton. The real Washington wouldn’t have called Hamilton “son.” He wouldn’t be as friendly with him. Their relationship was professional.

Mulligan was already in new york, so he wouldn’t have to “go back to new york and [his] apprenticeship.”

“Instead of me, he promotes Charles Lee” Hamilton did not ask for a command at Monmouth. What happened was Lee was given a command, declined, and then it was given instead to Lafayette. Later, Lee requested the command be given back to him because Lafayette was very young and didn’t have much experience. Washinton blindly trusted Lee and agreed to give it back to him.

After Lee was court-martialed, he kept running his mouth and slandering Washington. Hamilton originally wanted to duel lee, but Laurens told him not to, and to just let him say what he wants. Later, after Lee kept running his mouth and the insults got worse, Laurens decided to duel him. 

Washington didn’t know of the duel. He didn’t even know it happened until the day after.  

Ten Duel Commandments

Hamilton was not the one who was super giddy and impatient for the duel to start, he was kinda the opposite. Laurens was the one who challenged Lee and was the trigger happy one. 

Burr was not Lee’s second, Evan Edwards was.

Again, Hamilton was not as enthusiastic as shown here. He was the one who tried to call off the duel and actually prevented Laurens and Lee from firing a second time.

Meet Me Inside

Laurens was not satisfied after he shot Lee, and demanded them to shoot again.

Washington saying “these young men don’t speak for me” isn’t that far off from how he reacted, but we can’t be 100% sure because there’s not a lot that was documented about his reaction to the duel.

Washinton was more upset with Laurens for holding a duel in his honour. So he wouldn’t have lectured Hamilton as he does in this scene.

As I said before, Washington would not be calling Hamilton “son”.

I really wish LMM wrote this scene differently because it’s entirely wrong. Hamilton didn’t leave the army until March of 1781, after being so fed up with Washington continuously denying him a command. 

“Charles Lee, Thomas Conway, these men take your name and they rake it through the mud” that is true, and he’s referring to the Conway Cabal. More info on the Conway Cabal can be found here if you’re interested.

The timeline is so confusing here. “Your wife needs you alive” technically, at the time of the duel he didn’t have a wife, but by the time he left Washington’s staff he did. But in the show, I'm assuming this scene takes place in 1778, so, historically, no wife yet. But in the show, he also gets married before this scene. So I don’t know what’s going on here. 

That Would Be Enough

For the sake of simplicity and not driving myself to insanity, I’m just gonna assume this takes place in 1781. Because I don’t want to try and figure out the timeline.

Eliza was not a month pregnant yet, in fact, she wasn’t pregnant at all at the time. Hamilton went home in march 1781, and their first son Philip was born in January of the next year. Doing the math, Eliza wasn’t pregnant until May 1781.

This song is actually really sweet aww.

Guns and Ships

Ah, the timeline finally smooths out.

Lafayette wasn’t really a “secret weapon,” he was just a General

Nevermind the timeline is messed up again. “I go to France for more funds” he did that in 1779, and he went back to France on leave, apparently missing home. He ended up working with Benjamin Franklin to send more troops and ships to America.

I wish Laurens was mentioned here. He went on a diplomatic mission to France in February and convinced the french congress to gift America 6 million livres.

Lafayette was not the one to tell Washington he needed Hamilton to come back. What happened was in July after he left, Hamilton sent a letter to Washington threatening to resign his commission. Washinton panicked and sent Tench Tilghman-- a fellow Aide-de-Camp beside Hamilton-- to go to the house Hamilton rented with Eliza to tell him to come back to the army and that Washington will give him a command. 

You can see in this scene Lafayette running with a letter, but he was not the person who did that. It was Tilghman.

History Has Its Eyes On You

I can’t think of anything wrong with this song, it’s pretty spot-on and sounds beautiful.

Yorktown (The World Turned Upside Down)

“We’ll be with you when you do,” ehehe no they were not. The Americans did almost nothing to help France during the French Revolution.

“Take the bullets out your gun” was actually something Hamilton did with his battalion when they were sneaking through the trenches on their way to attack Redoubt 10.

Laurens was not in South Carolina, he was at Yorktown-- fighting under Hamilton’s command-- after just returning from his diplomatic mission to France. 

Lafayette was not “there waiting in Chesapeake bay,” he was with the other french troops attacking Redoubt 9.

Again, Mulligan would not have been in uniform.

Mulligan might have “taken their measurements, information” but he sure didn’t “smuggle it.” That was done by his slave, Cato. He and Mulligan were working with the Sons of Liberty and with Hamilton’s spy ring-- of which we do not know the name of-- and smuggled intelligence to General Washington.

The instrumentals and the choreography make me very happy. I really enjoy the short little instrumental break.

The siege of Yorktown lasted three weeks, not just one.

They act like this was the end of the war. It most certainly was not. The war didn’t officially end until 1783 with the signing of the Treaty of Paris. Yorktown was the last major battle of the war, but not just the last.

What comes Next

I’m very picky about this but I don’t like the king purely because I feel like he steals the show and is the automatic favourite.

Dear Theodosia

Philip Hamilton was born a year before Theodosia Burr.

I don’t know much about Burr, but I can say that Hamilton really did love his kids and his family, and I'm upset that we don’t see that in the show. At least we see a bit of it in this song.

Laurens Interlude (Tomorrow There’ll Be More of Us)

“It’s from John Laurens. I’ll read it later.” This makes me sad because the last letter sent between these two was sent from Hamilton on August 15th (and most likely never reached Laurens before his death,) so Hamilton was probably expecting the letter Eliza brings him to be a reply.

We don’t know exactly how Hamilton learned of Laurens’ death, but we do know it was not from a letter from Henry Laurens (John Laurens’ Father.) He most likely learned of Laurens’ death from either Washington or General Greene.

I find it a bit odd that Laurens sings the line “and when our children tell our story” because he never met his daughter, he left his pregnant wife in England (she moved to France a few years later)  to sail to America to join the revolution, and never visited them (not even when he was in France for his diplomatic mission.) But I get it, it’s a reprise of “The Story of Tonight.”

The war was not over, but it was close.

“His dream of freedom for these men dies with him.” Yep. Unfortunately, he never got the black battalion he worked so hard for.

I hate how fast it moves from this emotional scene, where Hamilton learns of the death of his closest friend-- the man he loved-- to “after the war I went back to new york” like geez, LMM. give the man some time to grieve.

Non-Stop

The trial of Levi Weeks didn’t happen until 1800.

There is no record of this midnight meeting of Burr and Hamilton.

Burr didn’t actually support the constitution.

Angelica was married long before this, so I don’t know why it’s just being brought up now-- oh wait. LMM is back on his hamgelica bullcrap.

John Jay got sick after writing four, came back to write the fifth, then got sick again and ditched Hamilton and James Madison. 

Hamilton did not write all 51 essays on his own, he collaborated on a few with Madison.

Hamilton was not immediately offered the position of Treasury Secretary. It was first offered to Madison, who declined, and then it was offered to Hamilton.

Most of the time, Hamilton was upset that he had to leave his family for work and wrote them often when he was away. From this point onward in the show, Hamilton’s character and personality are getting more and more inaccurate. He was not the selfish, self-centred man we see in the show. In reality, he was a kind man who loved his family but oftentimes made bad decisions due to his bad habit of acting without thought or planning.

ACT II

What’d I Miss

Daveed Diggs is cool, but I don’t understand why so many straight girls are so obsessed with him.

“Pissed him off until we had a two-party system” that’s pretty much true and it’s stupid.

He was in Paris for 5 years. It's not that long.

The “Sally be a lamb” line makes me so upset because it is so disrespectful to Sally Hemmings. I wish LMM left her out completely.

“I am to be the secretary of state, great!” Jefferson was not very happy about being appointed to the secretary of state because he wanted to stay at Monticello and do his own thing.

“I can’t believe that we are free” it’s ironic that Jefferson of all people says that line.

Mr. Madison, that’s not very COVID friendly of you.

Jefferson knew Hamilton for a bit before he went to France, and they did get along outside of politics.

Cabinet Battle #1

I hate how cocky and self-centred Jefferson is here because 1) it’s annoying as hell, and 2) the real Thomas Jefferson was not. He was quiet and shy.

“Imagine what gon’ happen when you try to tax our whiskey.” funny you should say that, Mr. Jefferson. Neither Jefferson nor Madison were not involved with the whiskey rebellion. They were silent on the issue because they made a deal with Hamilton (which I will talk more about in a few songs.) However, Hamilton-- the guy Jefferson is talking to in this scene-- was involved in the whiskey rebellion. He doesn’t have to “Imagine what gon’ happen,” he was there. More info on the whiskey tax and rebellion can be found here.

“We almost died in a trench, while you were off getting high with the french” Jefferson wasn’t in France during the war.

I’m glad the topic of slavery is being brought up, but it could’ve done in a different way instead of just a clap back in a rap battle.

“Madison, you mad as a hatter, son take your medicine” Hamilton is such a hypocrite here. Did he forget the time he almost died of a fever when he was 10? Or when he almost died of a fever in Albany in 1778? Or the fact that on multiple occasions he overworked himself so hard that he got sick? Or his kidney problems? Or-- 

“You’re gonna need congressional approval and you don’t have the votes!” Jefferson and Madison literally helped him get the votes. (again, I’ll explain later.)

“Well, James Madison won’t talk to me.” He used to. A lot. Hamilton and Madison used to be really good friends until Jefferson returned from France and Madison drifted to his side.

Take a Break 

I don’t know how long her trip lasted, but I doubt that Angelica was with Eliza and the kids on their trip upstate. She came to visit in 1789, and the Reynolds affair started in 1791. However, I have no concrete evidence that she left before the affair started, so maybe she was there. I don’t know.

Ah yes, Alexander “I Don’t Care About My Family” Hamilton. 

“I have a sister but I want a little brother” by 1791 (when this scene takes place using Philip’s age as a reference) Phillip had 2 brothers already. 

While the Schuyler Mansion is near a park, there’s no lake. Today, at least. There’s a swimming pool though.

“I noticed a comma in the middle of a phrase,” shut up shut up shut up.

“With a comma after “dearest,” you’ve written: “My dearest, Angelica”” I hate how obsessed LMM is with this stupid comma, yet doesn’t say anything about the multiple suggestive and romantic letter between Laurens and Hamilton.

Speaking of the comma situation, it was meant as a joke. What had happened was Angelica sent a letter to Hamilton with “my dearest, Alexander '' and put the comma by mistake. She just slipped up with her grammar. And in response, Hamilton wrote “my dearest, Angelica” as a joke to tease her about it. It’s not romantic. It was meant. As. A. Joke.

John Adams was vice president. I'd say that’s a real job.

Angelica, stop being all “I came all this way :((“ he doesn’t want to miss out on the trip, but he has to. If he had a choice he would definitely go with his family.

Say No To This

I hate how this song demonizes Mary Lewis (more commonly known as Maria Reynolds) like she was trying to get out of an abusive marriage??? And Hamilton was like “oof that sux wanna bang?”

The heterosexual energy in this scene overwhelms me (/j)

The first letter (that I have found) from James Reynolds to Hamilton was sent on December 15, 1791, so not “a month into this endeavour.”

I will note here that in the letter mentioned above, it sounds nothing like what we hear in the song. Which makes me question if the above letter is even the one Hamilton the musical is talking about.

Because of limited information, I cannot say whether this scene is accurate or not.

“I don’t know about any letter!” she most certainly did. Mary and Reynolds both sent letters to Hamilton concerning the affair.

The Room Where It Happens

This is the song I was talking about when I said I’d talk more about the deal between Jefferson and Madison and Hamilton.

Washington was the one who proposed that this dinner happen.

Clermont street was renamed Mercer street in 1799, the dinner table bargain (what this song is about) was in 1790. Before the Hamilton-Reynolds affair. Yet another wrinkle in the timeline.

“Now how you gonna get your debt plan through?” “I guess I’m gonna finally have to listen to you” well, Hamilton didn’t really “talk less, smile more” his way through the issue. He did-- as he usually does-- quite a lot of talking

“Well, hate the sin, love the sinner” doesn’t sit right with me because it is sometimes used as a homophobic remark.

Jefferson’s account of the bargain on the assumption and residence bills is what this scene is about.

Madison did not hate Hamilton until Jefferson returned from France.

Leslie Odom Jr. is so, so talented.

There is nothing to suggest that Burr wanted to be there. I don’t even think he knew it happened. 

Schuyler Defeated

Not much to say here, it's a short and forgettable song.

Cabinet Battle #2

I don’t like how much Jefferson says “we.” He wasn’t there. He wasn’t a soldier.

“Smells like new money, dresses like fake royalty” Hamilton was known for his colourful clothes, while Jefferson was known for dressing sloppily.

“Lafayette’s a smart man, he’ll be fine.” yeah, uh, he was imprisoned in Austria at the time… 

“You’re nothing without Washington behind you.” Hamilton was a very powerful man. One of the most powerful, next to Washington. Even with Washington gone, he still held a lot of power and was pretty well-known.

Washington On Your Side

“Thanks to Hamilton, our cabinet’s fractured into factions.” Hamilton is probably one of the biggest reasons the two-party system exists, but Jefferson did play a role as well. To put it simply, Hamilton and the federalists disagreed so much with Jefferson and the democratic-republicans that everything just got split in two.

“And dresses like the pits of fashion” look at the point from the above song.

“Somebody gives me some dirt on this vacuous mass” it really wasn’t that hard to find dirt on Hamilton. He had a controversial past, and could sometimes be a really shady guy. However, it was all for-- at least in his own head-- good reason.

Because of how close Hamilton and Washington were, Hamilton had a lot of power, and Washington backed him up quite a lot.

James Madison gets so little lines in this show, and it makes me kind of upset. Hamilton and Madison were pretty close friends for a few years, so I don’t know why LMM didn’t talk at all about that.

“This immigrant isn’t somebody we chose” yes, but Washington chose him. Don’t like him? take it up with Washington.

One Last Time

Jefferson did not step “down so he can run for president,” he stepped down to go home. To relax at his mansion, to get away from politics. He stepped down in 1793 and didn’t run for president until 1796.

This song is actually really good, and pretty accurate. And good lord Chris Jackson can sing. Gives me chills every time.

I Know Him

Adams did know King George III. and from what I have read, he was very nervous to meet him.

“That’s that little guy who spoke to me” of course he’s little to the king, the king was like 6’6”.

The Adams Administration

The Adams Pamphlet was published in 1800.

The new york post wasn’t founded until 1801, so I find it odd that they’re bringing it up in this song, in 1797.

Adams did not fire Hamilton, he stepped down on his own in 1795. 

Hamilton’s response to Adams’ taunts hurt Hamilton’s reputation a lot more than it hurt Adams’.

We Know

This takes place in 1792 before Adams was president.

Jefferson, Madison and Burr were not the people to confront Hamilton. It was James Monroe, Frederick Muhlenberg, and Abraham Venable.

The whole situation with the speculation of embezzled funds is pretty off from what we see here. What happened was James Reynolds embezzled $500 and tried to get his way out of imprisonment by saying he had dirt on Hamilton. Monroe, Muhlenberg, and Venable went to Hamilton and Hamilton explained “no, I didn’t embezzle government money, I just got my dick sucked.”

“Yes, I have reasons for shame,” yeah you think?

Hurricane

The workshop version is better, and it has Laurens in it.

The Reynolds Pamphlet

Gotta give Hamilton credit for not publishing this until after William S. Hamilton was born and then waiting for the stress of a new baby to be gone. Y’know at least he’s considerate.

Eliza was only gone for the summer of ‘91, so I don’t know why everyone’s acting like she was gone the whole time. 

Hamilton didn’t even want to be a president, and never showed any interest in the position. 

Angelica was already in America at the time, she didn’t just travel because of the affair.

The king has no reason to be here. I get that he’s the comedic relief, but this isn’t a scene where comedic relief is needed. It’s a serious situation.

“His poor wife” yeah, but have you ever stopped to think about what Mary Lewis is going through?

Burn

“You have ruined our lives.” The ‘our’ is referring to Eliza and Mary Lewis.

Blow Us All Away

George Eaker said many bad things about Hamilton in a fourth of July public speech, but Philip Hamilton didn’t meet him and challenge him to the duel until late November of 1801.

Speaking of 1801, this happens way after the Reynolds affair and the election of 1800. 

Hamilton didn’t know that the duel happened. Philip lied and told his father that it had been resolved. Hamilton later found out that it happened when John B. Church and a few others told him after it happened that Philip was shot and dying.

“Everything is legal in New Jersey.” duelling was illegal in some form or another in every state, but the punishment was less severe in New Jersey.

The guns Philip (and his father 3 years later) used in the duel belonged to John B. Church. They were not Hamilton’s guns.

Eaker didn’t shoot on 7. They both counted to 10 and stood still for an awkward minute before Philip raised his gun to fire into the air, and Eacker got scared that Philip would shoot him and shot Philip.

Stay Alive (Reprise)

When Hamilton arrived at the home of dr. David Hosack (the doctor treating Philip) he reportedly fainted from anxiety.

Eliza’s scream should have been Angelica Hamilton, as she had a mental breakdown after the death of her brother, and was arguably (out of the rest of her siblings) the most hurt by his death.

It’s Quiet Uptown

Hamilton was really hurt by the death of his son. It was probably what broke him the most out of every death he’s seen in his life-- and he’s seen a lot.

“I take the children to church on Sunday,” after Philip’s death, Hamilton and his family became a lot more religious.

“His hair has gone grey,” there is a portrait of Hamilton shortly after his son’s death, and he looks like he’s aged 10 years. He looks old and sad and in grief. It barely looks like him. 

Eliza would have forgiven Hamilton at this point. She forgave him not too long after the Reynolds pamphlet was published.

The Election of 1800

This happened before Philip’s duel, but you already knew that.

“I’m going door-to-door.” “You’re openly campaigning?” “Sure!” Burr was the first presidential candidate to openly campaign and set the standard for modern American politics.

They were tied for a stupidly long time. And when they finally got untied (by Hamilton and the federalists’ promotions and persuasion) it was by just a few votes. Not “in a landslide.”

Burr did end up being Jefferson’s vice-president. Jefferson didn’t change that.

Your Obedient Servant

This is a situation, much like the Reynolds affair, where no one is in the “right” or the “wrong.” Was it wrong for Burr to shoot Hamilton? Yes, absolutely. Was it wrong for Hamilton to say bad things about Burr and constantly keep him away from what he wanted? Yes, absolutely. But on the other side, was it wrong for Burr to be mad about what Hamilton did? No, he had every right to be angry. Was it wrong for Hamilton to speak his mind? No, freedom of speech and all that. It’s a very fuzzy situation and that’s partly why it’s unclear what exactly happened on the duelling ground.

While Burr’s loss of the elections was a reason for his duel with Hamilton, it was not the main reason. There were a bunch of little things that led up to this. A question I’ve been asked before (quite a few times, honestly) is “if Burr won the election/if Hamilton promoted Burr, would the duel still have happened?” and in my opinion, I think it still would have happened, it would have probably just happened later. Because the duel wasn’t the “breaking point” for Burr, it was just one of those little things that led to it.

Also while I’m on the topic of the election, it happened a few years before the duel. The election of 1800 was on March 4, 1801 (yes, 1801. It was tied for a very long time.) The duel was on July 11, 1804. So not directly afterward.

“Just to keep me from winning.” it is true that Hamilton did not trust Burr to be in power, and did everything he could to stop him.

The workshop version is cooler and more accurate. (if LMM had just kept the workshop version and what was in it I probably wouldn’t be writing TBH)

“I am not the reason no one trusts you,” in a way, yes, Hamilton is the reason no one trusts Burr. Hamilton had a lot of power and a lot of people listened to him. A good example of this would be his role during John Adams’ presidency. Hamilton constantly whispered into Adams’ cabinet members’ ears and basically told them what to do. And they believed him, and did what he said.

“Even if I said what you think I said, you would need to cite a more specific grievance. Here’s an itemized list of 30 years of disagreements.” Hamilton and Burr argued so much and Hamilton said so many bad things about him that when Burr asked him to admit to saying these things Hamilton essentially said “yeah well I’ve said a lot about you so you’re gonna have to be a lot more specific because I don’t know which time you’re referring to.”

Best of Wives, Best of Women

The title (and the line in the song) are a reference to this letter. 

Hamilton was not with his wife the night before the duel. He was at a house he had rented in new york city that he stayed in sometimes while away for work. A few of his older sons were with him, though, including John C. Hamilton, who was interviewed many years later and gave a retelling of what happened the night before. You can read it here.

The World Was Wide Enough

“A doctor that he knew” was David Hosak, the same doctor who treated Philip after his duel just 3 years earlier.

“Now, I didn’t know this at the time but we were near the same spot your son died,” I’m fairly sure he knew, Philip’s duel was a pretty big thing and a lot of people knew.

“My fellow soldiers tell you I’m a terrible shot.” Burr was actually a very good shot. There’s even an account of him doing target practice a few days before the duel.

“But look it up, Hamilton was wearing his glasses,” Hamilton put on his glasses because he was old, and had bad vision from his years of service in the revolution, and from how hard he worked. Fun fact, he was facing the rising sun, which meant the sun glared off his glasses, rendering him unable to see clearly. He wouldn’t have been able to shoot Burr if he tried.

“This man will not make an orphan of my daughter.” Burr’s daughter, Theodosia, was 22 and married. I’m sure she would be fine. On the other hand, Hamilton’s kids were very young. The oldest, Angelica, was only 19, and the youngest, Philip II, was only 2. These kids all needed a father figure in their life, but apparently, Burr didn’t consider that.

In the lines "Laurens leads a soldiers’ chorus on the other side / My son is on the other side, he's with my mother on the other side / Washington is watching from the other side," it seems like they’re being listed in a very particular order but I’m not sure what it means or why they’re in that order.

Hamilton quotes Laurens’ lines right before he dies and it makes me think of a conversation I had with a friend. She was telling me about how for some time after Laurens’ death, Hamilton didn’t really speak that much in congress and such. At first, I thought “oh it’s because he’s dealing with the death of his closest friend and possible romantic partner,” but then my friend explained that that’s not why he was quiet. It’s because when Laurens was in South Carolina, trying to convince the house of representatives to give him his black battalion, he didn’t talk that much. He waited for everyone else to talk, and then he jumped in and talked. That’s why Hamilton was silent for a lot of the time. He was doing what Laurens did. He was quoting Laurens.

“They row him back across the Hudson, I get a drink.” After shooting Hamilton, Burr went to his cousin’s house as if nothing had happened.

Burr showed seemingly no regret for shooting Hamilton, and even bragged and joked about it for years after.

Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story

“Every other founding father’s story gets told,” it really is kinda sad how little people know about Hamilton. He’s not taught about in school. He wasn’t a president.

I do wish that the musical talked a bit more about Hamilton’s kids and their contribution to keeping Hamilton's story alive. Especially John C. who went through all of his father’s papers and wrote the first biography on him. 

FINAL THOUGHTS

I really wish the Laurens-Hamilton relationship was a bigger part of the show.

The actors are amazing, but the people they play have little to no character/personality, and it kinda brings the actors down.

I love Phillipa soo.

There are so many inaccuracies that could have been easily avoided, and I genuinely don’t understand why LMM did some of the things he did. Like there was no reason to make Angelica the love interest. Absolutely no reason. And yet, here we are.

Hamilton, the musical was a great way to make more people interested in history, but unfortunately because of how wrong the show is, a lot of people who gain an interest in history from it think that it’s 100% right and treat it like a documentary. I would know, I became interested in American history because of the musical and I didn’t know how many things were wrong or left out until recently. 

The workshop version was better and more accurate. 

And that’s it! I’d like to give a big thanks to my friends who helped me, especially my friend Mary. 

[killrockabill]

So, i just finished falcon and the winter soldier, and i gotta say i do t understand the extent of the hate for walker. Don’t get me wrong not a good guy, but honestly almost tragic imo.

He starts off as this kinda douche jock type who by no means would i enjoy an extended conversation with, but thats abt it at the start? With how strong the response was I expected him to be a bigot or something.

We see him EARLY on feeling the pressure of the title and admitting while its what he wanted he doesn’t know if he can be what people expect (hmm real life parallels)

He is polite enough to sam and bucky in the bulk of their early interactions and even points out that he gets why they don’t care for him. He overstep in a number of ways. He assumes that a smile and shield will automatically earn their trust and lashes out after it doesn’t work right away. He doesn’t just get that from them however he gets that on the job plenty too.

We bust his balls because he throws the title captain America around but like lets be honest its a badass title so in more casual convos can you really say you would t name drop here and there? Then the escalated situations at the end of the day hes trying to do a job. He’s like a new manager not getting taken seriously because hes new, yes, he does need to earn it but did he REALLY get an opportunity to? A job he’s not fit for and knows it. He talks about wanting to do the job ie be in the field because its what he knows and is good at. Hes steves monkey on the unicycle drawing at the earliest stages.

He mentions to Lamar that the medals they earned were for some fucked up shit. Which unfortunately isn’t uncommon in the military nowadays. He calls this out during his trial (is it a trial? Idk what youd call it) he wasn’t steve who disobeyed orders for the greater good he was a good soldier at the expense of being a good man. Is that ok? Does that excuse anything? No. Not even a little because of course not all vets are like that but its not like hed be the first and unfortunately not the last.

THEN his insecurities about not being able to measure up and do the job. He IS the job. There are plenty od people like that where the job is not just a job but a part of them and what do you do when thats slipping? How many of us were the smart or creative kid and found ourselves feeling inferior by running into set back after set back. What does he do to rectify this? He takes the serum. He takes it KNOWING it can change him. he doesnt just throw it back like a shot of whiskey. No, he passively runs it by his best friend and partner; his bucky. (The whole I’m the new cap and this is my emotional support bucky is a whole separate convo I’m not gonna get into) he mentions being afraid of how it could change a person. His friend who genuinely believes hes a good man and will do his best supports him (obvs not realizing this isnt just a hypothetical situation)

Then it happens, lamar is gone his rock the guy we see earlier in the show reigning him in when he starts to lose his temper or not see the big picture. Hes gone because john wasnt good enough. So his rock and best friend are gone hes pumped a chemical in himself that everyone knows amplifies everything good and bad. He was a time bomb that went off. From there he spirals we literally see a mental breakdown followed by an ass whooping. Hes fucked up at this point and fucked up is as fucked up does. Nothing during this time is acceptable but it was ...inevitable.

He is not a good person by default and it does not come easy. This issue is exasperated by his own inadequacy, the pressure of being captain america, loss both personal and professional. He doesnt have the luxury of fighting nazis eho are objectively bad. He’s fighting people who are themselves in a grey area. At the end we see a small embodiment of him where theres a truck of people who need saving and his target getting away, and what’s he do? Hesitate. Steve would never have hesitated but ultimately he chose tk try and save the people (and failed hmm more inadequacy. Personally i thing they should have given him the win but thats neither here nor there.) yeah he was out for blood and i cant say that if my best friend was murdered i wouldnt be either (also i wish they did more with “LAMARS LIFE DIDNT MATTER?!” Like maybe it would’ve been heavy handed but you know where im going with it)

Hes a man that the military failed. A good soldier at the expense of being a good man. He clearly wants to be steve but cant and if that aint tragic idk mang.

[obxfics]

The Lines We Cross

summary: you are topper’s brother and just happen to be secretly dating JJ when the truth gets out, and things get ugly

pairing: JJ Maybank x male!reader

word count: 5,076 (this one really... it really got away from me lmao)

requested by: @ueomega​

a/n: so this is a really, really long fic and i hope it’s good! i honestly dont know how it got this long lmao but it was requested weeks ago so hopefully this makes up for the wait!

Being a Kook definitely had its perks. Got to go the best schools, nice vacations, could basically buy anything you could ever want with Daddy’s money, and, most importantly, you had options others didn’t when it came to your future. On the flip side, there were also certain expectations that came with all the perks. For instance, you were expected to be well behaved, to do nothing that could reflect badly on the family, and you needed to be smart, or at least smart enough and accomplished enough to get into the best schools Daddy could pay for. And for you, specifically, to be absolutely perfect.You were known on Kildare Island for the longest time as Topper’s twin brother, his built in competition. As the two eldest sons, much was expected of you, but only one could come out on top as the golden child. And for the longest time, everyone thought it was you. Your father was certainly looking to groom you as the future heir to his company. And then you entered eighth grade. Topper found some pictures hidden under your bed and discovered your biggest secret: you liked boys. It wasn’t long after that until your parents found out, and suddenly you weren’t treated like the successful son you were. Your mother took over the job of looking after you, and your father in turn focused on grooming your brother for the role you were supposed to have. According to your mother, this sort of thing getting out could be detrimental for the company if you were allowed to take over. Having a gay son wasn’t bad, but having that gay son become the CEO? Unheard of.

So, you were to be perfect. Who would be upset at the sweet gay kid who shut his mouth? The one who didn’t stir shit up? So you kept as low a profile as you could. You hung around Topper and Rafe, accompanied girls to their debutante balls, and any relationships you had were either with other perfect Kooks or low profile hookups. Everyone learned to turn a blind eye at any parties at the Boneyard if they saw you standing maybe a bit too close to some handsome tourist. Relationships were hard to come by, and you never hooked up with someone from the Cut.

That is, until you did. It was at some party at the Boneyard, a kegger some of the Pogues were throwing, and you arrived with Sarah Cameron instead of your brother. While she had broken up with Topper, you still liked to spend some time with her. Gave you a break from having to act so perfect all the time. She led you towards the booze, her arms wrapped around your waist with your arm slung over her shoulder. None of the other Kooks you ran with where around yet, so you felt more relaxed than you had in months. She had helped you get ready, convincing you to keep your shirt unbuttoned to entice any cute guys at the party, and you had to admit, you were having a pretty good time. That is, until your eyes met those of JJ Maybank over by the keg.

It wasn’t that you hated the blonde, but you didn’t necessarily like him. You heard Topper complain about the boy enough times to know that you should steer clear of him. He was bad news. After all, wasn’t he always getting into fights with your friends? But he was best friend’s with John B, and Sarah was with John B, so you couldn’t really avoid him for much longer. So you allowed her to tug you over to the two boys who were serving the drinks. At least you’d be getting alcohol. JJ mentioned something about you being Topper’s better half, causing you to roll your eyes and down the drink he gave you. You were supposed to be the golden child, the one that caused people to remember Topper as your brother, but your parents had stolen that from you.

You didn’t really remember much more about that night, but you did remember the end. You and JJ had ended up getting into a heated argument towards the edge of the party, and others began leaving. Eventually there was no one around you when the whole thing came to a head; JJ grabbed your face in his hands and kissed you. To say you were shocked was an understatement. Before that, you had heard JJ would sometimes pick up male tourists, but you never even suspected he would ever go for a Kook like you, but there he was, kissing you like he was an addict and you were his next hit. What you two did later that night in the Volkswagen he’d borrowed from John B was supposed to be a one time thing. Until a week later when he appeared at your window and dragged you to a secluded part of the beach to have a repeat. And then a few days later when you showed up at the Yacht Club where he worked and tugged him into a storage closet. Then suddenly you were just talking and going on picnics until the both of you realized you weren’t just hooking up. You were dating. It was immediately agreed that it should be kept a secret; if it got out that you were dating a Pogue, your reputation, and that of your family’s, would take a hit, and JJ was known to hate Kooks. He couldn’t be seen having feelings for you. This worked for the two of for just over a month before you started getting sloppy.

One day you were spending the afternoon with Sarah, laughing as you lounged on her family’s boat. She had somehow convinced her dad to let her take it out with you, and it seemed like you had the entire intercostal to yourselves. You let out a contented sigh and stretched out your limbs like a cat in the sun. You glanced over when Sarah suddenly gasped.

“What is it?” you asked, propping yourself up on your elbows to properly look at her.

“Oh my god, when did you get those?” She reached out to touch your chest. You looked down to see love bites littering your torso. “When did you find someone to hook up with?”

“I, uh, it’s no big deal,” you tried to brush off her questions. “Just some dude I’ve been hooking up with from the next town over.”

“Wait, the same guy? For how long?”

“Sarah, it really isn’t that big of a deal. I’ve gone through most of the dudes here, and I’m bored of seducing tourists, so having a booty call half an hour away is the easiest thing.”

“Sounds pretty tedious, if you ask me.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t exactly have a deep pool of potential lays, do I, Sarah?”She sighed and nodded, giving your shoulder a squeeze. “You’re right. I’m sorry for pressing. I just wish your family didn’t put this pressure on you to be so perfect. You should be happy.”

“They let me be out,” you tried to defend your parents.

“On certain conditions, y/n. You can no longer have the job you deserve, you can’t date anyone who isn’t a Kook, and they won’t even let you really be proud of who you are. You need to stay reserved, a respectable gay man, not gay teenager having fun.”

You shrugged. “It is what it is, Sarah. We can’t all rebel against our families.”

Oh but you wished you could. As you helped Sarah get ready for her date with John B, you wished you could be the type to rebel against your family. You longed to hold hands with JJ in public and kiss him whenever you wanted to, but you knew it wasn’t just about you. What about JJ? You never knew where he stood with possibly going public one day.

“What are you gonna do while I’m gone?” Sarah asked as you handed her a purse.

“I do have a life outside of you,” you laughed. “Maybe I’ll hit up my boy for a booty call.”

“Be safe!” she called over her shoulder with a smile.

“You as well, Miss Cameron! Tell your boy to keep his hands to himself or I’ll kick his ass!”

She threw her head back and cackled. “Because John B will believe that. Besides, we both know I’m the one with the wandering hands.”

You shook your head and checked your phone for any texts from JJ. Bingo. With John B and Sarah going for their date, JJ had the Chateau to himself, and he was inviting you over for some fun. You couldn’t keep the grin from your face as you climbed into your car and made your way to the Cut. You made sure to park a few streets over so none of the Pogues would see your car parked out front of John B’s and walked the rest of the way. By the time you stepped foot on the porch of the Chateau, you were covered in a light sheen of sweat. You spotted your boyfriend messing around in the kitchen and walked up behind him, sliding your arms around his waist.

“Glad you finally decided to show up,” he laughed, turning his head to look at you.

“Mm, I had to finish up with my tourist booty call,” you teased, rubbing your nose against his. “I’ve missed you.”

He turned in your hold and slid his fingers into your hair, smirking when your eyes fluttered shut. You felt his lips on yours, slow and sweet at first. It was nice, but you hadn’t seen him in nearly a week. You didn’t want slow and sweet. He groaned when you tugged him closer to you and deepened the kiss, your tongue slipping into his open mouth. His hands slid under your shirt to caress your chest. You separated just long enough to rip your shirt from your body and throw it over your shoulder, watching with hungry eyes as JJ did the same with his. Then you were attacking his neck, sucking and nipping at his throat before soothing the bites with your tongue. A smirk twitched at your lips when you heard the pants escaping from JJ, his head thrown back as he allowed you to mark up his beautiful skin. The both of you were so caught up in each other, his hands moving towards your belt, that neither of you heard the screen door creak open.

“What the fuck?” That you did hear.

You two sprang apart, lips swollen and chests heaving with the effort it took to catch your breath, and your eyes fell upon Sarah and John B. It was John B who had spoken. He seemed the most surprised out of the two of them. Sarah just looked at you with sad eyes. She understood what you were going through; she, after all, had attempted to keep her relationship with John B a secret too at the beginning. She knew the trouble that would follow if anyone found out.

“That… we, uh, we can explain,” JJ rasped, clearly trying to think of some lie, although he knew it was useless. How the hell was he going to explain why he and some Kook were practically grinding against each other in his best friend’s kitchen? He sighed and reached out to take your hand. “We’re together.”

Panic filled you when you saw the look on John B’s face. He wasn’t happy. He wasn’t going to tell anyone was he? Sarah must have noticed the look on your face.

“You two should talk,” she suggested to the two Pogues. “y/n, why don’t you come with me?”

You quickly pressed a kiss to JJ’s temple before taking Sarah’s hand and following her out of the Chateau. She squeezed your hand as you walked towards where you parked your car.

“So… how long have you and JJ been together?” she asked.

“Um, a little more than a month. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. We just… my parents… you know.”

“Hey, don’t apologize,” she reassured you. “You know I understand better than anyone hiding a relationship with a Pogue.”

“What if everyone finds out?” you whispered.

“How would you feel if they did?”

“I… I hate all this hiding. And… I don’t care what my parents think. I would stay with JJ. I love him.”

“Everything will work out, I promise. Let’s get you home.”

Meanwhile, at the Chateau, a much different discussion was playing out. JJ, sick of keeping everything a secret, had agreed to invite Pope and Kie over to tell them everything, and he sat looking at his best friends after it was all laid out.

“So you… and Topper’s brother?” Kie broke the silence. “And it’s like an actual relationship?”

“Yeah.”

“JJ, you know we support you and love you no matter what,” John B said, “but… you can’t be with him?”

“What? Why?”

“Why?! Are you out of your mind? He’s Topper’s brother! The only one worse than Topper is Rafe!”

“He’s nothing like his brother!”

“JJ, being with him is dangerous,” Pope agreed. “Rafe and Topper almost killed John B for seeing Sarah. Everyone knows y/n was the favorite son. Hell, he probably still is, even with all the drama about him being passed over or some shit.”

“Exactly. He was the golden child. The whole Figure Eight will be out for you.”

“This is ridiculous,” JJ sighed. “What are your thoughts on this, Kie?”

“I… I knew y/n, at school when Sarah and I were first friends. He liked to hang around with us, even crash our sleepovers, but we never minded. I saw what he went through. He still carried around the hurt about being cast aside, about being second to his brother, about having to pretend to be someone he’s not. He’s a good guy, and JJ’s right. He’s nothing like Topper.” JJ was about to thank her when she said, “But I also know that Pope and John B are right. His family will never stand for this relationship, and from what I know about him, he won’t risk disappointing them. If it comes down to it, he’ll throw you aside to stay in their good graces.”

“That’s not true!” JJ couldn’t help but feel betrayed by both his friends and his feelings. Doubt crept into his heart and clouded his mind. Would you really not hesitate to leave him behind? His mom didn’t. “That’s not true… he wouldn’t… he wouldn’t do that.”

A sob escaped him when Kie wrapped an around his shoulder. John B placed his hands on his best friend’s thighs while Pope rubbed JJ’s back.

“The best thing, I think, is for you to just end it now before anyone else finds out,” John B suggested. “That way you can protect him from his family finding out, and you can protect yourself from him leaving you.”

You spent the whole night worrying. Every single time your brother got a text from one of your friends, you were terrified it was about you and JJ. You weren’t even sure how they would find out because it wasn’t like John B was going to send Topper a text like, “Hey did u hear ur brother is hooking up w my best friend?” But you couldn’t shake the feeling that something bad was going to happen. Finally you got a text from JJ asking you to meet him in your backyard. You made sure everyone was asleep before sneaking outside.

“Hey,” you greeted him with a shy smile, “how did your talk with John B go?”

“It was… good. I told Pope and Kie about us.”

“And?”

“y/n,” he sighed, making your stomach clench unpleasantly. “We need to talk.”

“Did they… did they say anything?” You saw his jaw clench and how his eyes couldn’t meet yours. “What did they say? If they disapprove because I’m a guy—“

“Of course they wouldn’t disapprove because of that! My friends love and accept me the way I am!”

“So they do disapprove of me.”

“They… they had some important things to say.”

“Like what?” you whispered, afraid of what he would say next. “What did they say to you, JJ?”

“Nothing I hadn’t already thought myself. And they were right. What would have happened if it had been your brother who had seen us? He would have told your parents, or given you some ultimatum, right?”

“What does that have to do with—“

“And you would have gone along with what he said.”

“How can you say that?” You tried to hold back tears as you felt your heart break. “You know I love you. How can you say that I would just submit to my family?”

“Because that’s why we kept this thing between us a secret! Because you’re ashamed to be with someone like me! It would ruin your stellar reputation!”

You stood there, arms crossed tightly over your chest, and stared at JJ. You schooled your face into your Kook persona, looking at him with cold eyes.

“So that’s it, then?” you asked cooly. “We’re just… over because you want to listen to your friends over your own boyfriend?”

“Are you really going to say you would do something different?”

“Well what would be the point? You’ve already made up your mind. Nothing I say will change what you’ve decided to believe, so why waste my breath?”

Tears seemed to fill JJ’s eyes. “You’re not going to even fight for us?”

“Did you?”

“y/n?” you heard your brother’s tired voice call from the balcony that overlooked the yard. “What’s going on here?”

“Nothing. Maybank was just leaving.”

You turned your back on JJ and hurried inside, waiting until the door shut before you broke down in tears. You could hear Topper stumble down the stairs and freeze when he saw you crying at the bottom.

“I—are you okay?”

“Just peachy.”

He sighed and sat down next to you on the bottom step. The two of you, despite being twins, were never particularly good at the whole supportive sibling thing. You cared for each other, but after your parents pit the two of you against each other since birth, it was hard to be particularly close. In this moment, however, Topper hesitated only a moment before wrapping an arm around your shoulder and bringing you close, allowing you to sob into his shoulder.

“I don’t know what’s happening between you and Maybank… but… I’m sorry. It didn’t look like you guys were making up.”

You let out a bitter laugh. “Gonna tell Mom and Dad I was sneaking around with some guy from the Cut?”

“No. What good would that do? They would just get pissed and push you farther away. What’s the point in having them hate their favorite son more?”

“I’m not the favorite. Not anymore.”

“Well… neither am I.”

The two of you sat together for what seemed like hours, not really needing to speak to offer comfort to each other. Your parents ruined your sibling bond before it could really start, and you knew your brother could be an absolute asshole, but there was a sort of understanding between you now. You both had been broken by the constant pressure and judgement of your parents, and neither of you would ever good enough. Not anymore.

When you woke up the next morning, you felt like shit. You were supposed to meet Sarah for brunch at her place, but you didn’t want to tell her that JJ had broken up with you. She’d ask why, and you didn’t want to have to say it was because her boyfriend and friends got it into JJ’s head that you were going to abandon him. So you stayed in bed, curled up under your duvet with your phone turned off. You didn’t want to deal with anyone. You should have known your best friend would not stay away when she realized you weren’t reading her texts. You groaned when your bedroom door opened, Topper giving you an apologetic look before Sarah barreled in.

“Sorry, bro, she wouldn’t take no for an answer. I’ll just… leave you two alone.”

You glared at Sarah from underneath the mound of pillows you had created to snuggle with. Why was she ruining your pity party?

“What the hell is going on? Why haven’t you been reading my texts? We were supposed to have brunch!”

“Ugh, tone it down, Cameron. I’m clearly not in the best of moods.”

“Is this because John B found out yesterday about you and—“

“Do not fucking say his name,” you growled, your heart twisting at the thought of JJ. “I don’t want to talk about that Pogue ever again.”

“Whoa, okay, what is going on? Seriously, talk to me.”

You sniffled as you felt another round of tears coming. “Last night, he came here. And… and he broke up with me.”

“What? Why?”

Sarah slid under the covers beside you and wrapped her arms around your trembling figure, drawing you close so you could rest your head on her chest.

“Talk to me, honey. What happened?” she whispered in your hair.

“I don’t know. He was talking about some shit like if Topper found out, I would leave him to make my family happy. He didn’t even ask me. He just… said it like it was fact.”

“Did he mention anything from his talk with John B?”

“Just that they told him some important things.”

“Oh, I’ll kill that boy,” she snarled.

“No, Sarah, please don’t make a big deal of it! Please, I just… I just want to forget all about this.”

“Can you really move on so quickly?”

“…It fucking hurts,” you whimpered. “I thought what we had… it was special. I wanted to keep it secret so the people here wouldn’t fucking ruin it. But I guess we already did that ourselves.”

Sarah didn’t say anything else, just let you cry it all out in her arms. She would occasionally kiss your hair and stroked your back, trying her best to get you to feel better at all, but she knew this would take time. You were heartbroken. There was no quick fix to this. Except maybe…

A few days later, you looked at yourself in the mirror and sighed. In a weird twist that no one saw coming, Sarah and Topper had taken it upon themselves to throw a huge party for the Figure Eight at the Yacht Club. You weren’t exactly sure of the theme, but Topper instructed you to wear the clothes he had set out for you, and so you stared at your reflection all dress up in slacks, button down shirt, suspenders, and the scuffed up Vans you decided on over the dress shoes Topper wanted you to wear. You hadn’t been in the mood for a party until Sarah told you with a wink that this would be the perfect time to get laid and forget your heartbreak. Probably not the healthiest way to cope with a breakup, but it sure beat getting blackout drunk and waking up with the world’s worst hangover.

“Yo, you ready?”

You looked over your shoulder at your brother and shrugged. You weren’t even sure why they had decided to plan this party, and you weren’t in the proper headspace to start the process of understanding how the fuck they had agreed to work together.

“Still can’t believe you and Sarah are throwing me a pity party.”

“It’s not a pity party. It’s a ‘y/n needs to get laid and stop moping’ party,” Topper grinned. “Come on, let’s get you to the club, shall we?”

With a heavy sigh, you followed your brother out of the house to his car. You weren’t sure what the official story for the party was, but you assumed it was not ‘hey let’s get y/n laid’ because you were sure your parents wouldn’t think that was good for the family’s reputation. How the hell were you supposed to pick up some dude if your parents were right there? Obviously Topper and Sarah had overlooked some things, but it just seemed like getting drunk was the move.

“You are seriously not about to make a beeline to the bar,” Sarah intercepted you. “You literally just got here.”

“Damn it, Sarah, I’m dealing with heartbreak here. Show some sympathy.”

“I’m not letting you get wasted in front of your parents.”

You watched as she snagged a bottle of champagne from the bar and motioned to the club with her head. She led you into the locker room and opened the bottle with a loud ‘pop!’ causing the two of you to giggle.

“Sorry about the party.”

“Sarah, it’s barely started,” you laughed. “Nothing really to apologize for yet.”

“Yeah but it was my idea. I thought it would help you.”

“Just having you by my side helps.”

“I yelled at John B.”

“Well why would you go and do something like that?”

“He deserved it. He came clean about what all the Pogues said to JJ. They all felt terrible because JJ looked awful. Like probably as bad as you.”

“I look stunning,” you grumbled before taking a long swig of the champagne. “But what did they think was gonna happen?”

“They’re all idiots. Even Kie. But I set them straight about you.”

“Ah, so they think I’m just some helpless Kook who only does what Mommy and Daddy tell me to do.”

“Once upon a time you might have been.”

“Then they decided that because of my sexuality I didn’t deserve to be an important part of the family. I was immediately relegated to the disappointment. And for what? For them to continue to control my life like I matter to them?” You took another sip of the alcohol. “I would have done anything for JJ. Even defy my family. They’ve already decided I’m no good, so what did it matter if I dated him? What difference would that even make.”

Sarah rubbed your back and took back the bottle of champagne. She stood up and offered you a hand.

“Let’s go dance and get shit-faced.”

You grinned and took her hand. “Hell yeah, Sarah Cameron.”

As you walked back out to join the party, you eyes fell on a familiar head of golden hair. What the hell was he doing here? You could see your parents notice him, and then security was headed his way. Shit. Against your better judgement, you hurried outside.

“What’s going on?” you asked, causing your parents and JJ to look at you.

“A party crasher,” your mother told you, looking at your ex-boyfriend with a look of contempt. “No doubt trying to steal some of our expensive alcohol.”

You caught sight of the Pogues hovering at the edge of the party. Seriously, what the fuck was going on?

“y/n, I came here to talk to you,” JJ said as he desperately struggled against security’s tight grip on him.

“And so you decided to crash a party? Honestly, what was your thought process here?”

“I… I,” his voice cracked as his eyes flashed to your parents. He looked at you as if asking for permission. A chill ran down your spine when you realized he was asking for permission to talk about your relationship in front of your parents. Intrigued, you nodded.

“What is going on here?” your father asked, cutting JJ off before he could even utter another sound. “Do you know this…” His lip curled as he looked over the boy you loved. “Do you know him, y/n?”

“Please, y/n, I’m sorry,” JJ whispered. “I shouldn’t have just jumped to conclusions. I should have just talked to you.”

“Yeah, you should have.”

“My friends are a bunch of idiots who don’t even know you… but… they want to. Get to know you. Without bias.”

“What are you—“

“I was a mess after the other night. I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t sleep and… I looked like shit.” His eyes met yours, and you were taken aback by the emotion in them. “I realized my life fucking sucks without you.”

You took a step towards him and asked, “Why?”

“Because I love you.”

The breath caught in your throat as your parents yelled at security to drag JJ away. He’d never said that to you before, and looking into his eyes… you knew he was telling the truth.

“Wait, let him go!” you demanded.

“y/n, what are you doing?” your father barked, his hand wrapping around your arm to keep you in place. “You cannot possibly be thinking about reciprocating this… this lowlife’s confession! Remember what we talked about.”

Suddenly Topper was coming between you two, causing your father to drop you. You could see the absolute surprise cross your father’s face. Never before had either of his sons stood up to him. Your brother gave you a nod. His permission, even if you didn’t need it. You hurried to catch up to security, who were close to throwing JJ off the premises.

“Wait! This is my party, and I say he can stay,” you told them, standing firmly in their way. “Let him go.”

The two guards looked at each other and rolled their eyes. Probably didn’t want to get caught up in some teenage drama, so they dropped JJ and backed away. You helped him up and placed your hands on his shoulders.

“Did you mean it?”

He looked deep in your eyes and nodded. Tears filled your eyes, and he was quick to brush any that fell away.

“I’m sorry that I’m such an asshole,” he whispered. “I’m not good with emotions and abandonment… I should never have accused you of all that stuff. Obviously I was wrong.”

“You are an asshole… but you’re mine. And I love you for it.”

Then, with the cheers of Sarah and the Pogues in the background, he pulled you in for a kiss. You knew for sure you were crossing a line with your parents, but at that time you couldn’t really find it in yourself to care. You were way too focused on the beautiful boy you loved. The beautiful boy who loved you back.

[jawritter]

When The Lights Go Out

Chapter 4

Summary: Life hasn’t been your best friend lately, you lost your job, and are on the verge of losing your apartment. Who knew when you decided to join a Sugar Daddy app that your best friend suggested ina last ditch effort to save your apartment, and not end up on the street, your first and only client would turn your whole world upside down.

Pairing: Mobster!Dean Winchester x Virgin! Reader

Word Count: 2846

Series Warnings: Mob level violence, injured Dean, description of injury, creepy Godfather John Winchester, John is pretty much a double bag, escort services, virgin reader, lose of virginity and all the insecurities and fun stuff that come with it, age gap (23 year old reader; 40 year old Dean), angst, unrequited/requited love?, language, smut, unprotected smut.

Chapter Warnings: Shy!Reader, angst, John is number one douchebag, talk of escort services, language, I think that’s it y’all.

A/N: Beta’d by @deanwanddamons! Thanks so much love!! Please don’t copy my work!! Feedback is golden! Hope you all enjoy this one!! It’s gonna be a little bit of a slow burn y’all, but just hang in there!

(This fic is based on this request: Could you do a Dean x reader where she is 23 and lives alone in her apartment, she gets fired and can loose her house, her friend tells her about a sugar daddy app, she makes a profile and Dean 40, contacts her, she is virgin and don’t offers sex, Dean is billionaire business man and needs a girl for his business parties,the reader is really shy, blushes a lot, they fall in love, he takes her to a trip and makes love to her on a private island, could it be a series?)

Want more? Check out my masterlist!!

***MASTERLIST***

***SERIES MASTERLIST***

“Relax, you're gonna be just fine.” Dean said soothingly as he stood in the doorway of your small apartment bathroom, watching you fuss over your makeup. 

Giving him your best bitch face in the mirror, you check your hair one more time before turning to him, letting your arms fall to your sides in a huff. 

“Well, I guess it’s gonna have to do, because this is as good as it’s gonna get.” you tell him, fighting the urge to throw up, scream, and run away all in one. 

True to his word, Dean had stayed at your place all night, and even though you hated to admit it, you did feel a little more comfortable around him now that the two of you had spent all of last night, and most of the day, together. 

If you were being honest, you weren’t sure what you were feeling as a whole. It did feel nice to cuddle with Dean last night, and it did help you a lot that he now knew you were a virgin, and didn't fire you from this strange job thing you had between you, or laugh in your face, but he was still a Winchester, and you were still in way over your head. 

If you fucked this dinner up today, you were both fucked, and that wasn’t something to take lightly.

Dean crosses the floor in one, maybe two strides, picking you up as if you weighed nothing at all, and sat you on the sink in your bathroom before slipping between your knees, his large hands on your waist in order to keep you from falling off, and your hands making their way around his neck to stay balanced. 

“I want you to do me something,” Dean said, leaning down and catching your lips in his in a swift peck to get your attention. “Stop worrying so fucking much!”

Leaning your head down on his shoulder, you closed your eyes and attempted to take a deep cleansing breath. You knew you were overthinking this.All you had to do is sit there and look pretty, much like at the party Friday night. 

Dean had gone over the “details” of your relationship over breakfast this morning, and now, at least, you had  a story of how you met. 

Dean had said since you were an accountant at JPMorgan, he would tell the family that he’d met you on one of his basic runs to the bank, and gotten your number.You were a few dates in, and had only been dating close to two months, which would explain the fact that you don’t know each other very well, and cover up the fact that you were still a little awkward around each other in some aspects. 

As far as the lack of job now, Dean said that you picked up a job as an editor for a local publishing company, and worked from home so that you could study graphic design on the computer. Something you always wanted to do. 

Dean also told you that he could help get you on at the publishing company to work from home reviewing different transcripts next week, so that everything would be legit. He also promised to pick up the slack in whatever money you needed, so that you would want for nothing, seeing as he was technically still your client, even though this had taken a turn far surpassing escort services, and client, clientele relationships. That ship sailed the moment that you had to be introduced to John fucking Winchester. 

“I just don’t want to fuck this up.” you tell him, searching his mossy green eyes as he searched yours. 

“Pretty girl, you’re not gonna fuck this up. Everything is gonna be just fine, just follow my lead, nothing bad will happen, and I have already told you, I will pay you very well, you know that. “

Nodding your head, you let Dean give you another peck on the lips before helping you down off of the sink, and lacing his fingers in your own, leading you towards your apartment door, and down to his car that was parked on the street. 

When you came to a stop you couldn’t help but drool over the sleek black ‘67 Impala that was waiting for you both there. Dean gave you a smirk as he opened the door, his features shifting to an almost playful, boyish smirk that seemed to wash away some of the years that he held so close to the surface, yet so out of reach. 

“You like?” he asked, wiggling his eyebrows at you playfully. 

“Dude, she’s beautiful!”

“She’s my Baby,” he said, helping you off the curb and into the car, shutting the door, before jogging around to the  driver’s side. 

Baby purred to life, as Dean turned the key in the ignition, and pulled onto the busy New York street. Reaching over he grabbed your hand in his, giving it a reassuring squeeze. 

‘You can do this Y/N,’ you thought to yourself, ‘just act natural.’

God, you hoped you weren’t lying to yourself, because if you fucked this up, there was no word in any language that would describe just how fucked you were.

-------------------------------

A short drive later, and Dean was turning onto an expansive estate in Upstate New York. Rolling hills with green grass, a long paved driveway, and a large house that looked more like a castle sitting on top of a hill greeted you as Dean pulled up in front of the house, and put Baby in park.

“Okay sweetheart, you ready?” Dean asked, giving you a reassuring smile as he put his hand on the door, ready to open it.  

“As I’ll ever be,” you tell him in what you hoped was a confident tone. Dean smiled at you, giving you a peck on the cheek and whispering in your ear.

“It’s already show time Y/N. People are watching and there are cameras everywhere, but it’s okay, I’ve got you, and I’m not going to let anything happen to you remember that.“

Nodding your head, you lean over and boldly give him a peck on the lips, which caused a grin to spread across his face. His eyes sparkled as he kicked the door open, and made his way around the car to open your door. 

You weren’t even out of the car all the way when Sam came to a stop in front of the two of you with Jessica in tow. 

“Dean, Y/N, It’s good to see you again.” Sam said, greeting you warmingly and Jessica smiled at the two of you. You managed to give Sam a tight, nervous smile as Dean pulled you closer to him. 

“Where is everyone Sammy?” Dean asks, turning Sam’s attention away from you, and to his older brother. 

“Out back in the garden. Dad said he wants to have dinner out there. He’s been in a mood all day, you know how he gets. He’s not happy about that deal that didn’t go over so well this week with you, so get ready for that.” Sam warned, and Dean let out a heavy breath. 

“Yeah, I figured as much.” Dean said, as he and Sammy started making their way towards the garden in the back part of the estate with you and Jessica in tow. Jessica gave you an encouraging smile as you both rounded the corner, and you wondered just how nervous you looked to her. 

You didn’t really have time to  speak to her before the booming voice of John Winchester crossed the lawns, as John, Rufus, and another man in a ball cap came into view. Rufus excused himself, heading towards the other side of the house, as the four of you approached the long table that was already set with plates, beers, and wine. 

“Dean, I was wondering where the hell you got off to when you got home from that job I sent you on, I should have known this pretty little thing would have had something to do with your disappearance.”

You blushed deeply as you hid slightly behind Dean, wishing John would find another target, and just leave you alone.

“Easy old man, you're gonna scare her off, and then I’ll be down to the only girl amongst all you boys.” Jessica chided, as she flopped down at a chair at the table. 

“Jessica, so nice of you to join us this evening.” John said, giving her the side eye before turning his attention back towards Dean, who was helping you sit down in a chair before taking a seat next to you, Sam sitting down next to Jessica.

“So boy. What the hell happened?” John asked, jumping right to business as waiters appeared out of nowhere and started plating food for everyone at the table. 

“He didn’t like your terms, so I executed the order you gave me before I left.”

“You could have at least tried to change his mind.” John said, taking a bite of his food, eyeing Dean like a wolf that was eyeing his pry. You hated the way he looked at Dean. Sure you didn’t know much about their business, but you certainly didn’t feel Dean deserved the way John treated him.

“That’s not really a conversation for dinner Dad,” Sam said, stepping in for his brother, “Dean’s the best we got. If he said the deal didn’t fly, it didn’t fly, it’s that simple.”

John gave Sam an irritated look, but didn’t press the issue.

“Oh, Y/N, where are our manners, so wrapped up with business and all that I almost forgot to introduce you to our guest! This is my friend Bobby. He’s going to be opening up a garage in the area, so he’s here scouting property, and Bobby, this is Y/N, Dean’s new girlfriend."

Bobby gave you a smile and a nod, but said nothing, letting the conversation fall away a little as everyone tucked into their food. What conversation did flow was a lot lighter. Sport, cars, family members that John hadn’t seen in a while.If you didn’t know better, they almost felt like a normal family. Almost. 

One thing you had to say for sure was that you did very much like Jessica.She bit no bones with the large, dangerous men at the table around her, and had no problem putting each and every one of them in their place if they needed it. Especially John. She was like Sam’s personal pitbull, and you made a mental note to make sure that you stayed on her good side. 

Soon enough the dinner was over, and Bobby had excused himself, saying he needed to get back to work, leaving only you and Jessica with the Winchesters. John wiped his face, and threw his napkin down on his empty plate in front of him, his eyes dancing across the table at Dean and you, a smirk that would make the devil blush on his face, as his dark gaze stuck on Dean. 

“Sammy, why don’t you take Jessica in the house and do something to entertain yourselves, I want to have a word with your brother and Y/N in private.” John said, and you saw Dean and Sam exchange a confused look as Sam and Jessica got up from the table, making their way towards the house. Dean shifted closer to you, lacing his fingers through yours to stop your hands from shaking. 

Whatever John had in mind to discuss with the two of you, you had a feeling that this was going to be uncomfortable at best, and humiliating at worst. 

When Sam and Jessica were no longer outside, John turned his full attention to the two of you. 

“So, Y/N. How long have you been seeing my son?”

Swallowing hard, you try to speak past the lump in your throat, your voice coming out a lot smaller than you would have liked it to.

“About two months.”

John nodded, biting his lip and running his hand over his beard. 

“Two months, hmm. So I assume you know by now the line of work our family does.” 

Dean made to say something, but the distinct sound of a gun cocking behind you made you both stop dead in your tracks. Your shaking became visible, but Dean stayed calm, giving you a reassuring squeeze. 

“She knows in theory, but she doesn’t know any details.” Dean said, completely unbothered by the gun that was pointing at his back.

“Let the girl speak for herself Dean.” John said, leering at his son from across the table.

“I don’t know a lot sir, nor do I want to.” 

John nodded his head, chuckling to himself before reaching in his pocket and pulling out his phone, throwing it down on the table in front of you. The picture of Your Sugar Daddy app on full display. Your eyes went wide, and your mouth went dry. Even Dean sat up a little straighter next to you.

“You two want to cut the bullshit and explain this, because you know I don’t like to be lied to Dean.” He said, his voice dripping with venom. “Did you bring a fucking whore into my house Dean? To my dinner table?”

“No.” Dean said, eyes locked on his father.

“Then what the fuck is she doing on the site son?”

“It’s not like that.” Dean said, shifting in his chair.

“Really, because there are DM’s on this account asking her to escort you to your brother’s party last Friday night. Did you think I wouldn’t do a background check boy?”

Suddenly your brain that had turned to a mush of fear started working, an idea hitting you like a lightning bolt. 

“Roll play,” you blurted out, and both men looked at you with shocked expressions, before Dean’s became slightly amused. 

“That’s right father, it’s just, roll play, nothing more.” Dean said, licking his lips sensually, throwing his arm around you, and running his teeth over your ear, sending a visible shiver down your spine that landed somewhere deep in your belly.

The shock faded from John’s face, and pure amusement took its place as he clapped his hands together, throwing his head back in a laugh as the man with a gun behind Dean disappeared. 

“I’m sorry you two. For a moment I thought you were actually an escort.” John said, still chuckling to himself.

Dean gave a tight laugh, and you blushed deeper than you ever have in your life.

“Well father, my sex life isn’t something I like to brag about, I like to keep what happens in the bedroom between the two of us.”

John nodded, still looking very amused, but you thank any God that was listening that he bought it. 

“Speaking of your bedroom, that’s something else I want to talk to you about.” John said, and Dean sat back seriously in his chair.

“In order to keep your girlfriend safe, and keep the high table off of your ass, I want your girlfriend to move onto the estate with you.”

Your eyes bugged out of your skull, and Dean stiffened next to you.

“Dad, this is, sudden, I’m not sure that’s necessary. We’ve only been together two months.”

John raised his hand, stopping Dean mid sentence.

“It wasn’t a request. I expect you to have her completely moved in by tomorrow morning. I know you said she doesn't know a lot, but a little is too much these days.” 

You didn’t know whether you were going to cry or pass out, but John seemed to have sensed your upset state. Placing a hand on your shoulder as he came around the table that made your skin crawl, you leaned in closer to Dean.

“It’s for your protection Y/N. Trust me. Also it won't be so bad here! Most women would give up everything to find themselves in your shoes! Now Dean, take her and get her settled in, you can go and help her collect her things tomorrow.”

With that John left the two of you both sitting alone as the dark sky spread over the expansive lawn.

For just a moment you thought you were going to succumb to tears, but Dean’s hand around yours, lifting you from the table, and leading you through the house that would now be your home kept you grounded and in character.

Dean said nothing, just led you through the overly done halls, and rooms filled with expensive furniture. 

 You got to his bedroom. It was a large room with a fireplace of its own, the same expensive furniture that lined the whole house, and a huge king sized bed. With the door safely closed, you fell into his arms,letting the tears wash over you, and he let you cry it out, picking you up, and laying you down on the satin sheets that covered the bed. Shushing you, and kissing the top of your forehead. 

“I’m sorry sweetheart, I’m so sorry.”

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[sonia7atm]

BRIDGERTON BOOK SERIES REVIEW.

So here it is, before I start I just wanted to say that I’m in no way shape or form an expert in english or literature for that matter. English is my third language and I’m studying science. Having said that, I have read all eight books in less than two weeks and I have a lot of opinions that I wanted to share so here they are. Obviously: SPOILERS AHEAD

The series in its entirety

The bridgerton series is probably the best written series that I have ever read. I loved the fact that it is made up of 8 books, but also the way the books are structured. In each of the books we focus on one of the siblings and their significant others, and even when the side characters are there, they are not really a main focus of the story. This means you can pick up a random Bridgerton book without having read the other ones and you would not feel like you are missing something. I really liked this because it meant that with each book you were getting to know a different sibling, thus you are never really bored and there wasn’t unnecessary drama happening with the already established couples, which is refreshing at the least.

However, it does have setbacks. In some of the books, you find that this side characters really change from the way they appear in the background or the other novels, and it can be difficult to digest at first. Another flaw that I found is with the brothers' books. When I was reading some of the books dedicated to the men of the family sometimes I found that we don’t spend enough time with them and when you finish the books you don’t have an understanding of who they are. Maybe I’m not making sense but I’ll elaborate in each book a little bit more.

But in the end, even these little flaws, I had a great time reading the books and finding out what was happening with the family.

My favourite book - AOFAG

I know some people have trouble ranking the Bridgerton books, especially, the favourite one, but I’m not one of them. I am obsessed with “An offer from a gentleman”, I love the story, I love Sophie, I love Benedith and I love Violet Bridgerton with all of my heart. This book is great from the start, even though b, the third book you know a happy ending is what the book is leading to, it still excites you and makes you wonder. AMAZING DARE I SAY.

Sophie is one of my favourite characters in all of the books. She has a strong morals system and you get really inspired by her. All of the things she goes through are horrible, but she still remains such a calm and kind individual that I cannot help but stan. HARD. She has very strong ideas and morals and she sticks with them even when they mean losing Benedict. I found this message really important and powerful because we usually see the opposite: people changing their views for their significant other, and I don’t think it's right. So, hereby I declare Sophie QUEEN of the Bridgerton clan.

Moving on to Benedict, I heard a little bit of criticism with his actions in this book and I see where they are coming from, but I don’t share them. I think Benedict is one of the brothers that suffers from a really deep female counterpart and as such his thoughts are not fully explored. In my opinion Benedict is tormented by the fact that he is the second Bridgerton and nothing more (similar to Colin and kinda Gregory really), and also by the fact that he lost the woman at the ball. On top of that, Sophie comes along and he starts falling for her and he feels guilty that he is falling for someone else, so he doesn’t fully commit to Sophie but also doesn’t really leave her. It’s a messed up situation and he doesn’t make the best decisions but I understand his actions and I support him. The only thing that really annoyed me about Benedict is that he doesn’t recognize Sophie at all. I wanted to hit him, hard, in the head, with a fucking piano.

Now the best of the best: Violet Bridgerton. She was the surprise character of this book in that prison scene. In the previous book you still see her and like her but she saves the day in this one, and I felt like I really knew her after that. She is not the typical ton mother, she really values their children’s happiness and takes everyone under her wing. She knows who she is and the importance her family has and she uses her powers for good. I gained so much respect for her. A surprise character and a great one.

To sum it up, Benedict and Sophie are perfect to each other, like this mellow entity. Two kind souls, always happy, always calm. Of course they live in the countryside, they could not live anywhere else.

Top tier books - WHWW, RMB, TVWL

WHEN HE WAS WICKED

This book wrecked me, I have to admit I was a mess, I could not deal. A tragic story with so much longing and guilt and despair, I love a drama, man this is great. I went in knowing the basics of it but I was not prepared.

The poor Francesca has the most devastating story in my opinion: she suffers from infertility, her husband dies, she doesn’t feel like she fits in her family, and when she falls in love Michael is sick, WHY?!. Throughout the book you get to see how strong she is, how strong-willed she is. We are not talking about this enough. She loves with all her heart and she suffers with all of it too. She and Michel have a really strong chemistry and it translates really well. I think she was really clever to wait and think before committing to Michael, and I see how she would need to see him in danger to really let herself fall completely. In the end, she knows what losing someone you love feels like and she doesn’t want to feel that again. I understand. Also, an important part of Francesca's journey is to realize that loving someone else doesn’t diminish her feelings for John, and I love how Michael acknowledges it. 

Michael is a really interesting character who falls in love at first sight with the wrong woman. He is fully aware of this fact and it is really good to see that he doesn’t doubt his love for her, but is instead aware of the impossibility of doing something about it. Even when he can do something about it, his respect for his cousin is always present. The guilt he feels for loving Francesca both when John was alive and after he died is so different but so well written. It’s eating him up and It is painful to read to be honest. However, I found that said guilt disappeared rather quickly after his conversation with Colin. I may be the only one but I was a little bit put off by it, and that’s why this is not my favourite book in the series.

THE VISCOUNT WHO LOVED ME 

The bees, I could talk about the bees for days after reading this one. This one has a lot of Bridgerton backstory, and it explains so much of the rest of the bunch even if not directly. So I would say not to skip it (but why would you skip any of them?).

Kate Sheffield is one of the best written characters in this series. She is complex, fierce but delicate, confident but self-conscious. I would kill for her, she deserves it. Her family dynamics are impeccable. You feel the love between these three women and the roles they have, and you get them really quickly: Edwina is the little sister, a little naive but good-hearted, Kate is the fierce older sister and Mary is the compassionate step-mother. I really enjoyed their dynamics. The introduction of Kate’s character is by presenting her goal for the season: defend her sister. When Anthony enters the pool of suitors, she obviously opposes and their back and forth shows she is very witty. But as the story goes on we get to see her insecurities and fears, in a way that it’s so in character but at the same time so different from the start. It’s amazing and I can see why she is such a fan favourite.

Anthony is a baby.We can see how Edmund’s death really scarred him, and those wounds are deep. He believes in his own demise so blindly that it is conditioning all of his decisions.He grows a lot until he is able to share them with Kate and they bond so beautifully over it. Getting to see that, was something that I loved and enjoyed so much. It makes you really connect with both of the characters and it explains so much of his behaviour, that even if he frustrates you, you can’t be mad because you understand where he comes from.

Newton is the guest star in this one and I would like to take our time to appreciate the captain of the Kanthony ship. This little dog is such a plot device, put there to cause havoc and bring Kate and Anthony together, it is so funny. He smelled Anthony and decided he wanted a new dad. Put a plan in march, probably alerted his friend, THE bee.

ROMANCING MR BRIDGERTON

The message of this book is amazing. The journey they both go through to re-know each other is beautiful. Penelope and Colin have known each other for years, and they both have a version of the other in their minds but as the story progresses they unveil hidden personality traits about each others and I love how it is acknowledge and developed into a clear message of “people are flawed and not the perfect individual you wish them to be, and that’s ok”. It is really necessary and it made me reflect on my own relationships and how I could improve them. Colin and Penelope have to be my favourite couple of the series, but, because they were because of the show and not the books, when I finished this book I was left feeling like I wanted more, and that is why it is not my favourite one.

This is the book where readers find out Penelope is Lady Whiseldown and it is a big plot line. However, this revelation is maybe halfway through the book and until then, Penelope's inner monologue doesn’t reveal anything. I would have loved to really focus on it and know from the start how she really did it but at the same time, we get to see so much of Pen’s growth anyways. She is shy and kind but when she is with someone she trusts (in this case Colin and Lady Danbury), she is full of wit and boldness. I see myself so much in these characteristics that I cannot help but make her my favourite character in the series (totally biased but it is what it is). She starts with a sense of discontent about her, she knows her fate and accepts it but, she doesn’t necessarily like it. She is trying to change the way people see her and Lady Danbury helps a lot with it. She and Colin spend a lot of the book kind of on opposite sides in part because of their own demons, she wants to prove herself and at the same time is faced with the realization that the Colin she made up in her mind is not the real one. It really makes you wonder if it’s a happy ending at the end of it, because they both have such strong points but they are so diverse. At the end, after they talk about it, their relationship is full of devotion and you feel how they are making each other focused and better. I would die for them.

Colin is such a tumultuous character and it is a stark contrast on how we get to see him in the previous and following books. He is used to putting the charm on and fooling everybody but, of course, in this book we explore his inner workings and now we know the truth. He is just a lost puppy, looking for something to do with his life, and he is so focused on this search and runnin away for his family that he doesn’t see that there is already something that he is good about: writing. His relationship with Pen is obviously key in all of this searching because it pushes his limits and makes him think. His realization, of both his vocation and his love are slow and steady. He sometimes jumps to conclusions and rushes things *ahem*the proposal*cough* but not love, and once he commits he does it fully. The “stay, stay, stay” scene is a monumental hallmark in the book. We see Colin really deciding and choosing Penelope and Lady Whistle down with all that it entails. And later on, he opens out about his jealousy over her work, but he does it when he is ready, and Pen allows him to come to her when he needs without judgement. They are so perfect it hurts. 

The lack of Eloise is an insult to my soul but we get Lady Danbury as the guest star. She is on Penelope's corner helping her navigate the ton and her relationship with Colin, as a mother figure would. I believe she at least has a big suspicion that she is LW, but I might be wrong.

All-nighter books - OTWTTW, IIHK. ON THE WAY TO THE WEDDING

Gregory’s book is full of twists and turns that you just cannot put it down. Not the fact that the main female character is Lucy and not Hermoine, like Gregory thinks half of the book, just because you don’t. It is pretty clear that Lucy is our heroine so the fact that Gregory falls for her is not a twist itself because we (and Kate) already know. But in my opinion, the fact that it starts with Gregory interrupting the wedding and then it goes back and explains the backstory to you, so it is constantly leading up to it. 

Lucy is not the most interesting of the female leads but it is part of her charm. She is a normal girl, her life is already arranged, so she doesn’t feel the pressure the rest of them do, she is just enjoying herself. She doesn’t believe in love, and it is so funny how in denial she is about it, until it all explodes. 

Gregory’s life was influenced by her brothers before him and his big family but he feels so alone because of the age difference. He is trying to find his place in life and, because he saw all of his siblings fall in love he wants the same thing so badly, that he confuses desire with love. He is so precious, and must be protected at all costs.

The last few chapters are action packed, there’s an urgency in everyone's actions: Lucy, trying to save her family and Gregory, trying to save Lucy. I couldn’t figure out what was going to happen and that hooked me. The fact that the wedding actually takes place is the most shocking plot of all of the books.  

To conclude, Gregory owns my heart and I trust him with it.

IT’S IN HIS KISS

This story is another “all-nighter”, because it revolves around a mystery and the search for Gareth’s grandmother lost jewels. This quest brings Hyacinth and Gareth together, with a lot of Lady Danbury’s help. It’s really interesting to read about the felonies they commit, all of them instigated by Hyacinth, who, in my opinion, is chaos personified. 

Hyacinth is the most forward-thinking woman of this series. She is outspoken, confident, loud and apologetic. All of these traits really set her apart, because she doesn’t play by the rules of society, she does what she pleases, and she should. She is the typical little sister, a little spoiled but with a good heart. Her conversations with Violet are really touching. 

Gareth on the other side, is not in a good place with his family, and it is endearing to see how shocked he is by the Bridgerton’s closeness. He has a severe lack of self love, and sees himself as an imposter, and not worthy of Hyacinth. But when he falls, OMG, HE FALLS. His attitude towards Hyacinth’s personality is amazing because he loves her exactly as she is, and knows he will be following her orders for the rest of his life. Adorable. (He is the “That’s my wife” meme).

Lady Danbury is again the guest star and it only helps to cement her as the cool grandma that we all aspire to be. An honorable mention is Anthony getting super-duper happy that all of his sisters are married and therefore he is free (my poor guy).

However, the main issue I have with this book is that the decision of getting married is really attached to Gareth’s need to vex his father, who is a horrible person, and it makes me mad. 

Not my favourite books - TSPWL, TDAI

TO SIR PHILIP WITH LOVE

In this book Eloise decides running off to meet a possible husband is a great idea. Her brain, I can’t. Obviously the Bridgerton brothers follow her and force the two to marry anyways, although they were already falling in love when they found her. Phillip, Eloise's love interest is a loner and lives outside of the ton and I think that these traits really work with her because they are polar opposites but at the same time they fit so well. The relationship Eloise has with Amanda and Oliver is so cute, because you can see that these kids just need some attention and help navigating the world without her mother and Eloise is there for them.

However, even though I loved their storyline and I wanted to rank this higher I couldn’t. The other Bridgertons are a big part of this book and when I was thinking back on it the parts that I remember fondly the most are when Anthony, Benedict, Colin and Gregory arrive to kill talk to Philip, and then when Charles is ill and we get to see Benedict and Sophie as parents. So, I like this book because of side characters and not the main ones, even though I know there is nothing wrong with them. However, I do think the book is ok and I would recommend it nevertheless.

THE DUQUE AND I

I don’t have much to say about this book. The r*pe is completely unnecessary in my opinion. Daphne and Simon have terrible communication skills, but so do Kate and Anthony, for example, but still, the repercussions are not that severe. It is so much worse in the books and it has no consequences whatsoever. Up until that point, the enemies to secret dating to falling in love is such a classic thorpe that I usually like, but I cannot separate the two of them. In fact, I would advise to skip this one.

Hapily Ever After

Thank you to the heavens for this book. It is just a little exploration of all of the sibling’s future and an extra story for Violete.

Daphne’s story revolves around her last pregnancy. A surprise one when she is quite old. I found it really sweet and it looks like she and Simon are really happy with their life so good for them. Also, Colin and Penelope visit with all of their children so I’m obligated to like it.

The TVWLM continuation is a get together in Aubrey Hall for a Pall Mall rematch. I had so much fun reading it and getting to see all of the Bridgertons interact in a “relaxed” manner.

Sophie and Benedict’s story focuses on Posy and her search for a husband. She is lovely and I do want her happiness but getting to see Sophie and Benedict interact while actually together was a treat. I feel very blessed to see them be the balls of sunshine they both are.

Then we get to see how Eloise found out Lady Whisheldow’s identity. It was fun, and we get to see Pen and Eloise being friends, which we don’t get enough of in their respectives books. Colin and Penelope leaving the wedding early, was a gem. They are a couple of horny idiots and I love to see it. After that, we focus on Eloise again and we get to see a little bit more about Amanda and Oliver.

One of the main things about Francesca in her book is the fact that she wants a baby, and it is never resolved. In this one, we get to see how Francesca and Michael become parents and it's another heartbreaking one. We get to see how worried Violet is for her and also how Michael and Francesca talk and understand each other. They are one of the best relationships on this series, I said what I said.

In IIHK the diamonds are never found, but we find them here. It is great to know they were not missing and also a relief to know that Gareth was able to rescue the family even without them. The fact that Isabella actually finds them and proceeds to say nothing is hilarious. But when Hyacinth finds them the happiness she feels is so wholesome.

Then we get to see Gregory and Lucy’s twins be born (their 8th and 9th children). It is not an easy task and for a moment I was afraid for Lucy but it all works out in the end. It was filled with great moments but the one that I like the most is when Gregory says that Katherine gave him purpose in life, because he was meant to be a dad. I cried ngl.

And lastly, we meet Edmund. He is very present throughout the book but I was not expecting to grow so attached to him with this little story. It is divided in different stages of Violet’s life and obviously we get to see her romance with Edmund. I loved the little details, his behaviour reminded me of Gregory but he eats a lot like Colin so it is great to see where they get their traits from. The later parts, after he dies, show you how much importance Violet puts on remembering him and preserving his memory. They were truly soulmates, and it is such a shame that their time together was cut short.