#i kinda wanna cry but whatever. yolo. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lostbbygorl · 3 years

Text

LEVI ACKERMAN AS A YOUTUBER:

✨ It was Hange's idea, not Levi's

✨ Levi hates attention usually, so when Hange suggested he start a channel that millions of people can view anytime, he wanted to smack her

✨ But then Erwin and Mike kept harping about (Mike wanted to see him do a sparkly intro)

✨ He wanted his friends to leave him alone, so he grudgingly decided to make one video

✨ It was a rant video LMFAOOO

✨ He basically exposed all his friends names and the fact that they wouldn't leave him alone until he made a video

✨ Well, everyone liked that. I'm not kidding, he's like a 30 year old Joanna Cedia man rose to fame lightning fast

✨ Even though his video kinda lacked structure, it was FULL of meme potential and Gen Z did their thang so Levi's suddenly trending

✨ Levi is the only one from the group who doesn't use social media so when Levi and Hange show him that the whole internet is simping for him his eyes widen like in that scene where Eren suddenly titan shifted

✨ He saw that his comments under the video were mostly positive and that men and women alike were complimenting his good looks and he's super confused cause our rough baby is actually super soft and insecure and he doesn't understand that it don't matter if he ain't tall and tanned and that he's scarred, he's fine asf

✨ Well that was an ego boost and Levi realized he wants to make videos

✨ Levi is shy asf so his intros are super curt and he gets straight to the point

✨ His viewers love his dry, dark humor and unfiltered behavior

✨ Wattpad authors love his deep voice, and well, so does everyone else

✨ His viewers are a literal CULT and Levi's like Corpse Husband but with a face

✨ He's still wondering what the main focus of his channel should be so for the first one month of running it, he usually takes subscriber requests

✨ Levi isn't as ~mysterious~ as he likes to think he is lol. His subscribers figured out his undercover teddy bear personality as soon as he stuttered in the second video's intro. Also, all his psychology student fans kept posting body language analyses in the comment section. His second video was basically him reacting to the memes people made

✨ After that, he started making house tour videos and working/studying productivity tip videos and just YOLO cuz his fans eat whatever up

✨ Levi DEFO has an aesthetic house and bedroom. He's too tidy and classy not to

✨ With each video, you can see the editing getting better

✨ His following keeps growing and he finally opens up a social media account he barely posts on

✨ Levi finds meme culture annoying so the memes that people send him just get eyebrows raised at

✨ Levi TRULY started loving being a youtuber when he started getting paid cuz that check was SWEET (I mean he's a capricorn guys cmon)

✨ He reacts to memes and Gen Z slang cuz he has a mostly Gen Z fanbase and now he's getting trendier much to his friends surprise

✨ He starts saying "All facts no printer" and "spill the tea" unironically. He also likes the grunge and alt aesthetic

✨ You know what else comes with being a handsome edgy older youtuber? THIRSTY FANS

✨ Levi knows what fanfiction is but he doesn't know fanfic terminology so when Hange comes over to his house one day and starts laughing hysterically at "Levi x Reader 18+ smut" he's confused

✨ When Hange and explains and shows him the smut his soul leaves his body I-

✨ He reviews his smut very seriously on his channel the next day and the SMUT AUTHORS HAVE ALL DEACTIVATED-

✨ Levi isn't extremely fond of the way he's being sexualized but he's a grown man and he's just gonna take it though he hopes it'll stop. You know what Levi does like? FANART

✨ Levi finds it impressive that his young fans can use him as a source of creativity and that he's someone's muse. He makes it a habit to like whatever fanart he comes across on social media and leave an encouraging comment

✨ The first time Levi smiled on his channel was when he saw a chibi fanart of himself

✨ Levi doesn't really wanna do collabs initially but when a younger, more experienced youtuber suggested a collab he wasn't against it surprisingly

✨ The internet BROKE when THE Sasha Blouse made a video with Levi where they made dalgona coffee

✨ Levi didn't realize how big Sasha is till he saw all the comments on social media and he considers the collab with Sasha his first celebrity encounter

✨ Sasha and Levi end up becoming an unlikely friendship duo and fans LOVE the personality contrast (I love Levi and Sasha's interactions and I love personality contrasts so stfu Levi and Sasha's friendship >>>>>)

✨ It takes Levi at least a year to realize how big his impact is. He first realizes this when a little girl recognizes him in public and tells him all starry eyed that she started cleaning her room more after watching his videos and he's internally crying

✨ Levi also makes more friends because of this platform and Sasha isn't the only one. He surprisingly became fast friends with Eren, Connie, and Jean (AKA the kings of the gaming world), and he's on better terms with his cousin Mikasa ( A well known fashion vlogger) after he opened his channel

✨ He is now the father of younger, more chaotic youtubers and he honestly loves the light it brings to his life

✨ Has he changed after fame? Well yes and no. Levi is the same hardworking, introverted, sophisticated man he was before fame, he just grew better communication skills and has a wider friend group now

✨ He doesn't think he's above anybody though he has more confidence now, and he treats his fans very politely. He's super humble and anybody who has met him praises him

✨ Youtube brought only positive changes to his life and he doesn't express it much but he's very grateful to for his subscribers and fanbase

✨ He never knew that he'd actually like being surrounded by so many bright people and that he'd actually like broadening his horizons and making new friends. He's experienced many different things like playing horror games with Eren (he didn't flinch) and mukbangs with Sasha

✨ He liked each experience in his own way though he liked some less than the others

✨ After a life of gloom and loneliness, this is a nice change for him and he's quietly but warmly welcoming it. He feels accepted and he feel like he belongs after blowing up. People love him for his weird humor, scars, and brash personality. They want more of him and he's influenced them in a good way

✨ Levi goes to bed every night tired yet happy after his actual job, his job as a youtuber, and his many fan interactions

✨ And the money too of course BUT BESIDES THE POINT-

✨ Overall, his channel is super binge worthy and 10/10 content

✨ Do subscribe

153 notes · View notes

qqueenofhades · 3 years

Note

so…now that we all know what you DISLIKE about star wars (and 400% fairly so, you have my full support here)…

what drew you into the universe, what keeps you around?

favorite characters, ships (OTPs or actual spaceships lol), overall themes, do you have a favorite random weird creature or robot that you adore? whatever you wanna talk about!

go off honey (again, but supportively 💖💖💖)

tax paid: the very nerdy star wars punk vest i made and the even nerdier matching vest i made for starsky

Lmaooo, entirely valid. You were like "star wars?" and I was like the drunk person at the bar who can't stop shouting about how much their ex sucks. But now that I have gotten all that off my chest, let's talk about why I love it (since if I didn't love it, I wouldn't have such strong opinions). Basically my feelings on the OG SW trilogy are similar to my feelings on the OG LOTR trilogy, as that tumblr post floating around somewhere put it: sure, they have flaws, but also, they're perfect. I have a complicated relationship with the prequels, as do we all, since George Lucas cannot write dialogue or direct actors to save his life (stick to what you're good at, George, hire other people to do the rest), but even they have their moments. Like. Hit me with that "Across the Stars" love theme, John Williams. Gahh. Just like that.

Because... Star Wars wasn't actually this omnipresent corporate global entertainment monolith when it started out. It was a dorky low-budget indie sci-fi film in the 1970s which everyone thought was going to bomb. But it told a simple and compelling story in an interesting way, everyone agrees that ESB is one of the best films/sequels ever made, and then ROTJ gave it a happy ending while it was still okay to do that. My main thematic gripe with the Disney trilogy (I will try to keep those to a minimum, lol, but I have to bring it up to compare) is that it very clearly fell into the "actual happy endings are naive and unrealistic and a cynical postmodern audience won't accept anything less than things being Bad" trap that, yet again, we have GOT to thank for. It obviously existed to some degree before that, but GOT blew it up to huge levels, where the only valid situation or character is that which is Grimdark and Depressing. Which, in my view, misses the heart and soul of what SW is all about??

Like. ESB is genuinely dark. ANH was this fun plucky little sci-fi film where the scrappy good guys won the day against the Nazi stand-ins, as they were supposed to, and then ESB comes along (speaking of John Williams, let us all chant together, DUH DUH DUH DUHDUHDUH DUHDUHDUH, DUH DUH DUH DUHHHH DUHHH DUHHH DUHHHH) and things go... wrong. Leia and Han are on the run for most of the movie, then get captured and tortured by the Empire and and betrayed (however unwillingly) by Lando. The Rebellion is attacked on Hoth (I tell you, those fuckin AT-AT walkers were SCARY when you see it as a young kid for the first time), and forced into hiding. Luke loses his hand, doubts Obi-Wan and Yoda and realizes that his mentors are fallible, makes dumb mistakes, and of course gets hit with The Most Famous Line In Movie History. But it's also just adrenaline and excitement. THE ASTEROID FIELD! THE HAN-LEIA BANTER! THE FIRST LUKE-VADER DUEL! THE FACT THAT YOU HEAR TWO FRICKING NOTES OF THE IMPERIAL MARCH AND YOU'RE JUST LIKE OH YEAH OH YEAH OH YEAHHHH!

But also then... Return of the Jedi. It gets shat upon for the Ewoks and reusing the Death Star as the Big Bad and being supposedly cheesy and not as Thematically Dark as ESB. Which is all kinda silly, in my opinion, but also, can we talk about Luke Skywalker's character arc and how he chooses possibly the most radical compassion ever demonstrated by a hero in an action movie, let alone a space opera. He insists that Anakin Skywalker is still in there somewhere and puts his own neck on the line to prove it. Luke doesn't save the galaxy by being a Badass Jedi. He saves it by throwing away his lightsaber and saying "I will not fight you, Father." He saves it by trusting that even in the depths of darkness, Anakin can come back from the charred ruins of Darth Vader and finally do what he was supposed to do all along. He can end Palpatine for good and all (we don't talk about "Somehow Palpatine has returned" because it's nonsense, obviously). Anakin can avenge the Jedi and what was done to him and all the lies he believed and the pain he wreaked on the galaxy, even then. It's not too late. It's not too late. Like. I don't care if this is Lightweight or Childish or whatever. It makes me CRY every time I watch it. Especially the moment where Luke takes off Anakin’s helmet and sees how ruined he actually is under there, and yet the downfall and death of the trilogy’s chief villain is not triumphant at all but instead utterly heartbreaking. “You were right about me Luke... tell your sister... you were right.”

Excuse me, I need to just /CRIES INTENSELY/

Luke won't be tempted to the dark side for his own sake, but Leia's ("If you will not join me, then perhaps she will"). I likewise hold firmly that Anakin/Vader is one of the best movie villains/antiheroes of all time and likewise have many feelings and Strong Opinions about his arc, prequel writing clumsiness and eye-rollingly tepid love story aside. (See: he and Obi-Wan were deeply in love and in a way they still are, don't @ me. I have no problems with Padme and obviously stan Natalie Portman at all times, but Anakin and Obi-Wan’s relationship is the real love story, the heart of the prequels, and in some ways even the subsequent movies, the end.) And “so this is how democracy dies, with thunderous applause” is... raw af as a line. For being in a Star Wars prequel movie. What?? (Also, the Revenge of the Sith novelization had no business being as good as it was. If only that dude had also written the movie.)

Anyway, my point is: the OG trilogy had plenty of moments of staggering emotional weight and where things genuinely sucked for the good guys and the outcome wasn’t entirely clear. The difference is that it didn’t choose to dwell on them, and it allowed for a transformative fictional space where a happy ending, fiercely fought for and squarely earned, was the right outcome. We didn’t need to go back thirty years later and make everything suck for fear that a cynical modern audience couldn’t connect with it otherwise. (Like I said, we didn’t need the new movies at all, but Disney heard that Cha-Ching of the Almighty Dollar). Star Wars was sci-fi, sure, but it also had the fantasy elements that allowed a happy ending to be the right choice for what we saw the characters go through and the philosophy that carried us through the original trilogy.

Likewise it’s just... Peak as far as dynamics go. C-3PO the fussy metal butler who worries about Everything and R2-D2 who is the droid embodiment of YOLO? Flawless. Sassy scruffy space pirate and badass politician warrior princess bicker constantly, butt heads, drive each other crazy, and then fall in love? Iconic. (And has shaped my ship tastes for... all of eternity, oops.) The above-discussed transformation of Luke Skywalker, whiny ordinary teenage kid, to the truly great man who fulfills what Obi-Wan, Yoda, AND the rest of the entire Jedi order couldn’t manage to do, because of their own flaws and blind spots and black-and-white moral views that didn’t know what to do with a man who loved as passionately as Anakin Skywalker, for better or for worse? The guy who managed to save the galaxy with love? STAN.

So... what? The Disney trilogy decides to retcon all that, throw everything that they’ve fought for out the window, make Han, Leia, and Luke miserable and rejecting the roles they grew into in the original trilogy, and die without ever really reuniting or seeing each other again as a trio? The underlying message was that “these happy endings aren’t satisfactory/realistic/sophisticated enough” and idk, maybe it’s just the shitshow of the last few years, but I’d like to see some entertainment that had the cojones to tell me that despite all the darkness and despair, maybe there’s a chance for hope. (”Rebellions are built on hope,” thank you Only Valid New Star Wars Movie Rogue One.) And Rogue One worked so well, despite being utterly GUTTING as all the heroes died one by one, because we knew what was coming next (A New Hope) and that their sacrifice was going to be worth it. I don’t care if that’s “realistic” or not. As I’ve said before, that’s what stories are for, and if I only wanted things that were Real Life, I would only read the news. Besides, the idea that happy endings never happen in reality is equally bullshit. We as a culture need to accept that more, instead of finding reasons to tear everything down.

So just... yes. The original trilogy might have flaws, but also, it’s perfect. And do I want to rewatch it all now? Kinda.

(Anyway. I warned you this was gonna be long. Oh look, it’s long, and I’m sure there is even more I could say, but still. Ahem.)

sleepover weekend asks

#buffaluff #ask #star wars #long post

25 notes · View notes

singingvio · 4 years

Text

((Decided to post this for some reason. It’s just a rough draft but I’m kinda proud of it.))

---

Sky first noticed something was wrong when he asked Four to spar with him.

Instead of just agreeing or disagreeing like Sky would have expected, the smaller hero launched into an entire argument with himself, speaking clearly and loudly without muttering or stumbling over his words. He didn’t even seem to notice what he was doing.

“No, see, if we spar with him, we could-- don’t tell me we’ll improve, we’re already the best-- oh shut up, we should just agree, it’s not that difficult-- come on, guys, can’t we cooperate for once…”

“Uh, Four?” Sky asked hesitantly. Four gave him a quizzical look.

“Are we doing something wrong? Wait, are we talking aloud-- shit! He’s going to figure it out-- I can’t stop talking-- we can’t stop-- if only we were back in our Hyrule, we could get help-- we can’t split-- FUCK!” With a final frustrated scream, Four threw his hands in the air and stomped off, still talking loudly to himself.

Sky followed him hesitantly back to the main camp, which, thankfully, seemed normal at first. Until, of course, Four started talking to Wind, who immediately leapt back about five feet, staring at Four like he was Ganon himself.

“Y-you’re acting w-weird? W-well, d-don’t come n-n-near m-me, then!” he cried loudly, wrapping his arms around himself in a sort of self-hug. He then actually started to cry, and Four kept talking, switching between apologizing, asking Wind why he was being weird, and still asking for help.

Time burst into laughter, pointing at the exchange as he doubled over, cackling like it was the funniest thing he’d ever seen. Legend glared at him, hitting his shoulder. “Hey, Old Man, what the fuck are you doing?” he asked harshly. “I think they’re sick or something, this isn’t-- stop laughing! This isn’t funny!” his eyes widened slightly and he leaned away from Time. “Are you okay? Now I’m getting worried.” he muttered. “Wait, shit, I didn’t mean to say that…”

Time continued to laugh, tears running down his face. Legend shot up from his seat and backed away, horrified. Four kept talking, rambling to no one while Wind cried on the ground, hands covering his ears as he muttered “I’m scared” to himself over and over.

Sky turned on his heels and ran to find someone who could deal with this.

---

Twilight was scouting the area with Wild, Hyrule, and Warriors, when suddenly he turned to see they had all disappeared. “...Guys?” he called out, spinning around slowly in a circle to search. “Come on, where are you?”

“TWILIGHT, WATCH THIS!” yelled a voice. Hyrule. Twilight ran through the trees, whipping his head around to try and spot Hyrule. He looked up, and his heart dropped into his stomach. Hyrule was at the edge of a very tall, very steep cliff, grinning like a madman with a stance that showed he was going to jump. He wasn’t looking down, either, he was looking away from the cliff’s edge at… Wild and Warriors.

Warriors was shouting encouragement, but instead of any positive stuff, it was… a lot more negative. “Go on already, ‘rule! Are you a coward, are you going to wait for Twilight so he can catch you before your body hits the ground?” he yelled, hands on his hips as he grinned evilly at Hyrule. “Or are you going to jump without looking down and getting cold feet like a real hero would?”

Wild, on his part, wasn’t even doing anything. He was lying in the grass, his arm dangling over the side as he looked sleepily at Twilight. He grinned. “Hey, Twi! Yolo!” he called, and it sounded… lazy. Not like Wild at all.

Hyrule looked down at Twilight and grinned wider. “TWI, I’M GONNA DO A BACKFLIP!”

Twilight’s eyes widened and his blood ran cold as he ran forward, arms outstretched as if to catch Hyrule. “No, wait!” Warriors cackled, a dark glint in his eyes as he grinned at Hyrule. Wild flashed a peace sign at Twilight and closed his eyes as if to sleep.

Hyrule jumped.

---

Sky rushed forward at the same time Twilight did, leaping up into the air and only barely managing to catch Hyrule before he hit the ground. He fell forwards, cushioning Hyrule as he crashed into Twilight and the three of them fell.

“Wild, you wanna go next?” Warriors taunted. Wild didn’t even budge.

“Nah. Too tired, you know?”

“No, I don’t know. Fucking coward.” Warriors replied, stomping away. “Whatever, I’m going to do my own thing.” and with that, he was gone.

“Wild, get down here!” Twilight called, getting up and rubbing a sore spot on his head where he’d hit the dirt.

“Don’t wanna. You guys come up here.” Wild called down with a yawn. Sky grumbled something under his breath and reluctantly started making his way up the cliffside, gently pushing Hyrule into Twilight’s arms. Twilight started to check him over, and Hyrule tried to shove him off.

“Chill, man, I’m fine! It was just a little stumble, that’s all!” he said with an overconfident smirk. Twilight frowned at him.

“No, it wasn’t! You tried to backflip off a cliff, you could have died if Sky didn’t get here in time!” he protested, and he knew it was true. There wasn’t a chance he would have reached Hyrule in time to catch him.

---

Sky grabbed Wild by the forearm and hauled him up, glaring at him. “Wild, Hyrule almost died!” he cried. “Do you care? At all?”

Wild stared at him blankly, not comprehending. “...No? Listen, I just want to take a nap. Sorry Hyrule got hurt or whatever, but I don’t really care.” he muttered, not shyly, but like he couldn’t put in the effort to be louder. It was like the opposite of how he… usually… was…

Sky dropped Wild’s arm as the world went dark, pitch black in fact, and he was engulfed in shadows. Out of the shadows stepped out none other than Dark Link, his sword not drawn as he smiled at Sky like an old friend. Sky reached for the Master Sword, but found nothing. He’d left his sword at camp, fuck.

“Strange, you and Twilight aren’t affected.” Dark Link said calmly.

“What did you do? You’re the cause of this, aren’t you?” Sky questioned. Dark Link nodded and waved a hand dismissively.

“Yeah, but it’s just a bit of harmless fun, really.” he said, giving a small chuckle.

“Hyrule almost DIED! Now what did you do? I don’t need my sword to kill someone, you know.” Sky threatened, clenching his fists. He was stronger than he looked.

Dark Link held up his hands.

“Calm down, Sky, was it? Don’t worry, it’s not fatal… unless one of your friends has a terrible immune system.” Dark Link laughed at whatever joke he thought he made. “Just a little disease, that’s all. Highly contagious, unfortunately. I only meant to affect Warriors and Four. Not that upsetting, though, it’s more chaotic this way.” he explained.

“What are its symptoms? Is it the reason everyone’s acting strange? Why aren’t Twilight and I affected?”

“Because you’re blessed by Hylia more than the others and Twilight is a creature of dark magic.” Dark Link said with an eye roll, like it was obvious. “It’s called the Despair Disease, it makes the infected act the opposite of how they might normally act in certain categories. I don’t know about the others because I didn’t personally give them the Disease, but I gave Warriors the Disloyalty Disease, and Four got the Oversharing Disease.”

Oversharing? That made sense, given his recent behavior. But Disloyalty… that worried Sky. Would Warriors betray them, or did that mean he just didn’t want to work with them at all?

The darkness faded, and Dark Link laughed. Sky snapped back to reality like a rubber band and turned to Wild, who was standing there and looking lazily at Sky as if nothing interesting had happened. Wild… might have the Laziness Disease? It seemed to fit pretty well in Sky’s head.

“Come on, let’s get back to camp.” Sky mumbled, and dragged Wild by the wrist back to where Twilight and Hyrule were waiting. “We’re heading back. I know what’s going on.” he explained shortly to Twilight. “We need to gather everyone.”

“We don’t know where Warriors is, though.” Twilight reminded him. Sky shook his head.

“We’ll bring these two to camp, you find him once we do that.” he ordered.

---

#Hyrule you goddamn idiot #linked universe #LU Despair Disease AU #lu hyrule #lu sky #lu four #lu twilight #lu wild #lu time #lu warriors #lu wind #lu legend #Daredevil Disease Hyrule #Oversharing Disease Four #Hilarity Disease Time #Disloyalty Disease Warriors #Cowardly Disease Wind #Truthfulness Disease Legend #Laziness Disease Wild

56 notes · View notes

alukaforyou · 5 years

Text

and ALSO sry to post bs on main im mostly just talking to myself in my personal tag half the time so yolo, no need to respond to this or reassure me or whatever but these days i licherally question how much of my - sry to sound like a broken record - bs is dépression or just my shité mentality, like i rly was not designed to last, huh? physically or mentally? lol. like who gets motion sickness on swings lmao anyways. i think i give up too easily. theres a bunch of reasons y but i dont feel like saying. its a different thing to kind of kno something, and to admit / speak it (confront it). i could psychoanalyze myself all day and tell u exactly why some things are the way they are but its too unpleasant to neatly state stuff like that u kno?? like... *i kno* but im not gonna say i kno. anywho, i digress. so i give up easily and kind of have a defeatist mentality too, its so exhausting lool. actually its weird cuz duality of man, i'll be rly determined / stubborn abt doing some stuff and not care abt fear of failure with certain things but when it comes to My Life / My Future i just think i cant rly do anything? i mean that literally like i got no skillz *laugh crying emoji* not particularly good at anything, and art - the only thing im maybe arguably ok at - i dont wanna do as a career, that is art therapy for me i dont feel like commercializing it. not interested in working in my major, maybe things wouldve been different if i went to culinary or cosmetology school?? that sounds fun. or if i majored in bio cuz i was so good at that, or even if i majored in japanese language or literature or idk. but no regrets tho cuz i learned a lot abt drawing in art school which i can use for myself. and hmm i like staying home and not rly going out of my way to meet new ppl so connections what? i h8 hearing how most opportunities come through the ppl u kno cuz its true and ik like 10 ppl tops so hm very sexi of me :^) i just feel like im p much f*cked and it rly doesnt help that i have no functional dreams, goals, or aspirations nor the confidence and drive to work towards anything so ah ok cool. u kno suga's songs "the last" and "so far away" ? that p much sums up my feels minus the part abt having to deal w fame obviously LOL. its so easy being a student (for me at least) but being a good student isnt really worth a whole lot in the """""real world""""" and the current education system doesnt even rly prepare u for reality or w.e like Deep Sigh also the political climate rly lookin like shité out there like hmmmmm do i even wanna try so hard to be here anymore tho??? also going back to the self confidence thing, ya idk her LOOOOL like it doesnt very much bother me tho? i really, honest to god have no idea what my redeeming qualities even are. being nice? and my mindset re - tolerance and compassion for others, etc, ya im rly proud of that actually but besides that i mean like what can i Do tho like hm im not particularly good at anything also im hideous like uglee but thats ok too like none of this Bothers me, thats just literally how i Am so ok fine, but i feel like it makes it hard for me to exist in the world i happen to be in??? and i realize im speaking with a huge bias here cuz my brain is totally out of whack im p sure if some1 saw me / read this they would lit be like um u literally do not have it hard girl, which is fair ur kinda right actually from an objective pov, probably? its amazing how um. hard? of a time my brain is having given my relatively ok circumstances but thats just how it is ig. and if i may quote shakespeare - o full of scorpions is my mind. and its weird cuz duality of man - i actually have a lot of good times w friends and whatever i have a lot of fun, im not even very Sad or in Agony its all very a mild? sensation? but that might be because my plan b is to simply *** so nothing rly fazes me anymore lool.

its usually a v confusing emotion, im either feeling happy, or if not that, very ???? im literally that duwang quote get a feeling so complicated its just "ajdjsjsja" idk its not overly repulsive and upsetting im like :s LOL u kno wat at this point idek what im even saying anymore but its good that im writing whatever cuz im gonna need to look back on this later and organize my thoughts for presentation cuz remember i have a s.o now???? i wanna let them kno so we r on the same page, and i dont feel like im tricking them, i thought it over more and there are like 4? major cards i wanna lay out on the table early on and they are 1. im not that close w my family emotionally so do not seek their approval or expect to deal with them much. 2. personal ideology / political views like im bi lmao and pro lgbt if that wasnt obvious also i dont rly wanna be around racists / terfs etc and if ur right wing or not on that respect women juice uhhh bye.. 3. my weak ass mentality how i might Maybe *** in the future like no promise but errrr theres one more but its a little more negotiable and also too early to discuss so i wont mention it but i already got the first two outta the way so ya. theres the most troublesome of all, #3. the last thing i wanna do is traumatize someone that loves me (and i love back) with that kinda thing, its too late for my dear friends whom i love, sorry i didnt kno i was gonna be like this LOL yall already got attached but its a little different with my s.o cuz i feel like its not too late to uh.... stop getting as attached LMAO like dam i've known my girls for almost 10 years whereas i've only known my s.o for like a month.

and this is totally not gonna come across right but if my s.o very understandably desides to dump me id be SO RELIEVED LIKE WOOOO ok cool cuz like essentially what i'd be saying is you are getting attached to someone who's future is not as stable as other people, including u. *huge exhale* from the bottom of my heart, my bad lol. and then i probs wont ever get involved w. a s.o again, sorry to reference snk in 2020 but remember how e*win smith is single cuz he doesnt kno when he will ***? big mood. i have never acted out on my interests before but i was like ok for once lets go off the shits and do smth ooc, i uh... didnt expect for it to actually go anywhere tho so now im like ???? i shouldve thought it through more tho, like i felt low key irresponsible af and selfish and dumb for getting involved w. someone even tho i Know how I Am like...... Also i just lov being single and staying home and chilling alone lmao like i seriously...... never get loney....

ok so what was i talking abt? how the passage of time makes me nervous cuz idk how i can manage to keep up w it??? how i feel like i cant do jack shit???? that life is hard???? and maybe a bih just wants to rest? permanently?????? i think the most irritating part of all for me, like what i am most mad about at myself is that i have no dream. yikes. naruto, do u think thats sad? well yoongi said its okay, and what counts is just being happy, so i will console myself and forgive her and idk just try my best for the time being??

#.txt

11 notes · View notes

cocoarosalia · 7 years

Text

Searingly Sweet (Marichat/Adrienette)

What do you do when one of paris’ most superlatively handsome heros comes knocking on your balcony door? You would panic first, right? Like, what does he want; why is he here; should I prepare something? Any and all those thoughts might run through your head I’m guessing. But what does Marinette Dupain-Cheng do when a certain leather-clad feline comes a knocking?

She gets pissed...cause duh, right?

And it wasn’t even like she was pissed at him exactly. It was more just that he happened to appear at the apex of her shitty day. Every single client the 23 year old had that afternoon was completely and utterly shitty human beings. And she gets it, a lot of schools in the area were picking up the american custom of having end of the year dances, for socializing and shit. But if she had to hear another shitty 17 year old complain about how the applique on her dress doesn’t absolutely “shimmer” in the moonlight and how the dress doesn’t make her ASS look like that american rapper Nicki Minaj’s (Which by the way if you’re gonna use french in your stage name PICK A REAL FRENCH WORD). She was ACTUALLY going to cut someone.

So it wasn’t his fault that he happened to knock on the balcony door to her apartment. Also wasn’t his fault that she happened to be in the middle of her 3rd alteration of the SAME dress at the time. But that didn’t stop her from viciously slamming open her door, rage blazing in her eyes.

“WHAT?” She roared

Her attitude instantly vanished, however, as Chat Noir collapsed into her arms. She grabbed onto his waist to keep him upright but his harsh hiss kept her hands at bay. She felt a wetness on her hand, it wasn’t raining out so it couldn’t be good. She looked down and sure enough Chat had contracted a sizeable cut above his hip and in different places along his torso.

“Holy shit!” was all she could really comment “Adrien, what happened!?”

They had long since found out each other’s identity. 21st birthdays mixed with intimate truth or dare and too many margaritas will do that kind of thing to you. But the lucky part was that nothing ever really changed for them. If anything, it made their civilian lives that much easier. Now, if anything went wrong they knew exactly where to go for safety.

Guess this was one of those times huh?

“Mari” Chat groaned out pitifully, body slumped over her petite frame

She didn’t allow him to say anything else as she carefully helped him onto the couch. She laid him down gently and rushed to get a bowl and some cool water. Returning back he didn’t look too good, hair matted from sweat and eyes squeezed shut in pain. She gingerly picked up his head and laid it in her lap. She pressed the wet cloth to his biggest cut and pressed down, shushing him softly to soothe his pain.

She looked into his eyes for an explanation “What happened? Was it a really bad akuma?”. Her heart only sank as he remained silent.

“Oh god it was, wasn’t it? Fuck, if I wasn’t so swamped with work I could’ve been there for you. You wouldn’t be like this. Adrien I’m so sorry” He lifted his hand and gently stroked her cheek. A gentle smile graced his features and she felt like bursting into tears that very moment.

“Please don’t cry, Mari” He said, his voice warmer than a summer’s breeze “I didn’t lose to an akuma. Just to a very old cat and a very sturdy tree.”

At first it didn’t click, she was far too wrapped up in her guilt ridden emotions. But then, ever so slowly, the words sunk in further and further

“Could you say that again for me please?” She said a little too sweetly “I just want to make sure I heard you correctly”

“Oh! I just said that these cuts are from me saving a pretty old cat from a tree” He scratched his head bashfully “old beast was not too appreciative and scratched me up pretty good and the tree kinda finished the job”

She stood up abruptly, knocking chat off the couch and onto the floor.

“Noooo” Chat whined as she stormed off “Don’t leave me here to perish in the cold!”

A blanket, quite unceremoniously, pelted him in the face “BUNDLE UP BITCH”

“Someone’s got their chiffon in a knot” He pouted “what? You missed your monthly ‘designer’s digest’ issue?”

Marinette sat back on the couch wordlessly, only speaking to ask him to drop his transformation so she could patch him up. Her speech was so...professional that he dropped it immediately, worried that he might’ve pushed her buttons a little too hard.

“Hey Mari, you know I was only kidding right?” this silent treatment was a bit of a first for him, he hadn’t meant to offend her, only poke at her a little “I didn’t mean all that stuff I said. I really am sorry”

He tried putting on his best sad face, nudging his head into her in the hopes that it’d melt her heart enough to forgive him. She sighed and put his head back into her lap.

“I’m not mad chat.” She said, preparing a disinfectant cloth “there’d be no point in that”

He breathed a sigh of relief, he wasn’t totally convinced but at least she wasn’t gonna kick him out of the house

“That being said, you tear up the shirt I made you. Sooooo, you deserve this entirely”

Adrien’s eyes shot open wide as a stinging, searing pain shot through his whole side. He moved to shoot up in his seat but, surprisingly, Marinette was pretty strong and held him down, giggling the entire time. A disinfectant cloth slapped to the cut would teach him a lesson or two

“OH MY GOD THAT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD” he howled out

“I know right? You must be so sorry for playing with my emotions and tearing up that shirt aren’t you?”

“I WAS ATTACKED!?!? GET THIS SHIT OFF ME!”

“That’s interesting cause, see, that doesn’t sound like an ‘I’m sorry’ to me”

“YOU ARE SADISTIC”

“And you’re still screaming. I do have neighbors you know”

Adrien gritted his teeth as he tried to bear the burning sensation traveling all through his body “I’m sorry for tearing up the shirt and playing with your emotions even though I did nothing of the sort”

She pressed down on the cut harder

“I’M SORRY I’M SORRY YOU’RE RIGHT ENTIRELY MY FAULT. PLEASE SWEET MERCIFUL CHRIST LET GO!”

She took pity on his poor soul and finally released him. He rolled back onto the floor and scattered away behind her curtains

“I COULD HAVE DIED YOU PSYCHO”

Marinette was hardly perturbed “1.) I checked the bottle before-hand it was gonna sting regardless of what I did and 2.) you still have like 8 more lives, you’re fine”

Adrien was now in full pout mode “I’m not an actual cat you know. The american phrase ‘YOLO’ does actually apply to me”

“You’re so dramatic” she laughed. Scooting over on the furthest side of the couch, she stretched out her arms to lure him back to the sofa. He turned from her, refusing to even acknowledge her offer.

“Oh come on, kitty. I still have to wrap up your other cuts before they get infected”

He wrapped the curtains further up on his body “Better than dying from the shock of the pain!”

She rolled her eyes “I promise I’ll be gentler this time. And, I’ll make sure to tell you when the sting is coming”

He eyed her cautiously, coming out from behind the curtains and inching closer “I want free cuddles the rest of the night”

She sighed “fine, whatever you want”. It was like telling him he’d won the lotto, his perfect white teeth gleaming in a cheshire like grin. Adrien tossed himself on the couch, instantly slipping up her body and snuggling closely to her chest.

“You are so unbelievably spoiled you know”

“You know I think I can still feel the pain of the disinfectant. I wonder why?”

She laughed warmly and let him stay there for a while.

There was no way to really describe the relationship they had. On the one hand they were definitely friends; they had the occasional coffee meet-up with Alya and Nino, popped in on one another if they had a bad day and, duh, saved one another from certain death every now and again. They could go out and see other people, sure, but then they did things like this. Cuddle times where they just stayed silent and share body heat, sleeping in the same bed because one couldn’t be bothered to stay up enough to make the trek home, and even spending whole weekends just vegging out at home watching Totally Spies reruns on TV. It was a weird set up but if you asked Marinette if she would change anything, not a single second would be unmissed.

“Ok mon minou, let’s get you patched up before I have to clean your blood off my couch...again”

He begrudgingly agreed and left her warm hold, sitting with legs crossed and patiently awaited her medical care. She returned back with her famous “Chat almost died today” first aid kit and something thin and white sticking out from between her lips. It caught the blonde’s attention and his feline instincts began to flare up again. Nevertheless, he sat still,only moving to remove his shirt and give her space to wrap his body in bandages.

“There, all done” She said, ever so slightly proud of her work “You were a very good patient this time around kitty. Usually you’re so squirmish”

Even as she scritched his favorite spot behind his ear adrien still couldn’t get his mind off of whatever was occupying his lady’s mouth

“Uh Adrien? You ok?” She said waving a hand in front of his eyes. He blinked back to reality and smiled apologetically

“Sorry Mari guess I’m a little distracted” He laughed nervously. She shrugged it off as no big deal and left to warm up some leftovers for him.

Adrien watched her with childlike curiosity, he didn’t wanna be a real bother to her but it killed him not knowing what it was that was in her mouth. Even still, he hesitated on bringing it up, choosing instead to stuff his face with honey mustard glazed chicken and pasta.

It was maybe 20 minutes into their third episode when Adrien just stretched himself out flat onto her lap. She remarked on his keen ability to make “make himself at home” but it only went in one ear and out another as he watched her cheek poke out with the offending object.

He poked it

She switched it to the other side

He poked it again

She sat it in the middle while looking at him with a strange look on her face

He didn’t even notice as his long fingers kept poking around her face, expecting to flush it out from behind her lips

“Adrien!” She commanded, swatting his hands away “Will you please stop tha-”

“My lady, what is in your mouth?”

The question came out so abruptly that it caught her completely by surprise. She blinked confusedly at him. There was not a hint of joking attitude in his eyes so she took it out.

“It’s just a lollipop. See?” she placed it back over her tongue, sucking on it hard “Nothing special. Cherry flavor I think”

Adrien didn’t exactly know what to feel. Yes, he got the answer he’d been looking for but, at the same time, a cherry lollipop? Really?

“Why didn’t you say you got one?” He fussed

“Why do you care? Kitty, it’s just candy”

He didn’t really have a witty retort to that so he kept silent, rolling over in her lap and facing the TV. Marinette assumed he’d finally gave up so she settled back in her seat.

“I want one”

She groaned, rubbing her temples soothingly

“No, Kitty you may not have one”

Adrien poked out his bottom lip “Why not, you have one”

“Ok, And?”

“Where do you keep them?”

“If I told you that it wouldn’t be a secret stash would it?”

He almost took offense to that “Why would you keep it a secret from me? Do you not trust me?”

“To not eat all my candy without me knowing? No”

“I’d replace it”

“Adrien the last time you ‘replaced’ my candy stash it ended up being more expensive than my rent”

He pulled her into a face squishing hug “Maaari let me have one”

She struggled to push away him away, he was stupidly strong when he wants something “No dammit let me go!”

Adrien finally released her and suddenly stood up. If she didn’t know any better she would’ve assumed that she got the hint. But, sadly, she did and, without remorse, glared him down.

“Chaton, don’t you fucking dare”

He shot out of the living room and into the bedroom down the hall. She chased after him, knowing exactly where he was going and for what. Just as she suspected, Adrien was making quick work of her room, sifting between the sheets and crawling beneath the bed.

“Quit it you fucking sugar addict!”

“Let me have my fix and I will!”

“No!”

“Then the hunt continues!”

Her room was becoming an utter mess. Clothes were being tossed everywhere, it was like a horror movie. She forced him into a corner to maybe try and talk things out somewhat civilly but the blonde bastard just carefully scooped her up and tossed her onto the bed, breaking out from the corner to just fuck up her room even more.

They were on the floor now, huffing and wheezing as they tried to catch their breath. Adrien looked everywhere, the sheets, under the bed, in the closet. He even took the ultimate risk and went through her drawers (The kick to his gut proved that that wasn’t too good of an idea). But still no sweets for a little blonde boy named Adrien

“Please tell me you quit” She huffed out

“It’s not fair” he whined “all I wanted was something sweet”

“I just fed you”

“Dessert is an important part of every meal”

He clambered up onto his feet and stumbled back, knocking into the wall behind him. There was a clamor from the top of Marinette’s closet. She prayed that he didn’t hear it….it was a stupid prayer let’s be real here.

“Hey Marinette”

“Yes Adrien”

“What’s in your closet”

“You looked in there yourself...nothing”

She didn’t dare move from the floor as he stared her down

“If I go over there right this very second, you’re not gonna move”

“I see no reason to do so”

The millisecond he moved toward that closet door she raced in between him and the doorway. A dark smile stretched across his lips. He moved in close and she could hear his heartbeat in her ears. He leaned down, his breath tickling her ears.

His voice made her knees weak “It’s in there, isn’t it my lady”

She sucked on her cherry blowpop harder and harder as she shook her head vigorously

“Then what did I hear in the closet. If it’s not what I’m looking for then what’s there to worry about?”

Her eyes looked everywhere but his own vibrant green ones. He knew what that tone of voice did to her and did it anyway.

Adrien snaked his arms around her waist and pulled her away from the door. His stares were so paralyzing she couldn’t say that she even noticed. They walked over to the bed and gently pushed her onto its soft sheets. He climbed atop of her, smoothing his hands across her skin

“Be a good girl and stay here, ok?”

This man could’ve told her to commit murder and all she’d need was a spoon and a name

He moved back over to the closet and rooted around its dark shelves. Eventually he noticed that the side wall was uneven. Sure enough, when he pressed down on it the panel fell away to a secret hole in the wall, complete with its own neatly painted shoe box.

“Hello my sweet”

He was a kitten on christmas coming out from that closet. Pressed close to his chest the box clearly said ‘Keep out, especially you kitty!” but he couldn’t care less, soon he would indulge himself in a sugar sweet paradise.

“HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, THIEF”

Or at least he would if she didn’t break out of her lust induced trance

He bolted out of the room, eyes darting left and right for any kind of hiding space. Alas, it was no use. Marinette had him stuck in the kitchen corner with nowhere left to run. She took a cautious step toward him and he grabbed the first thing he could, a deluxe chocolate bar that she’d been saving for a super shitty day

Much like this one actually

“S-stop! Kitty, just leave the box on the counter”

“Fine! I’ll just take the chocolate bar then”

“THE CHOCOLATE BAR TOO!”

He tore off the label, never once taking his eyes off hers

“Put it. Down”

A corner of the aluminum wrapping hit the floor and her mind went into a blind panic. He was really gonna eat it if she didn’t come up with something!

He opened his mouth comically wide and brought it to his teeth

‘ThinkThinkThinkThinkThink!’

And as he brought his teeth closer together for bite she decided that she had no choice

Marinette ripped the candy from her mouth and pressed her body roughly against his, grabbing a fistful of his hair and bringing their lips together.

That alone would be seared into his subconscious for the rest of his life but what followed would follow him for as long as time stood.

Cherries, the syrupy sweet taste of artificial cherries flooded his tastebuds as her tongue slipped between his lips and into every corner of his mouth. His mind couldn’t take it to the point where he just dropped the box in his hands altogether, grabbing tightly onto her hips and savoring the flavor as much as he could.

But as soon as it started, it ended. She backed away from him, face redder than the candy in her hand.

“Never touch my stash again”

He tried to speak but she shoved the red sucker into his cheeks

“And I’m sure you’ve probably earned that”

She gathered up her box and walked out the kitchen, grumbling something about ‘Stupid cats’ and ‘putting it in a safe next time’

Adrien’s favorite flavor used to be chocolate

He was fairly certain that’s not the case anymore.

#miraculous ladybug #ml #marichat #adrienette #Marinette #adrien agreste #lollipop #late night #fuckimtired #dialogue #ml fanfic #ml fandom #fanfic #fanfiction

476 notes · View notes

sanguinesprout · 7 years

Text

Uhhhhh... *derp* (More stuff about indecision, some talk about doctors and some blog changes)

Lately has been well... kinda okay but mostly meh. I’ve been flip flopping between feeling somewhat content with myself and a little motivated and feeling absolutely empty inside and distraught. It’s been almost two weeks since my last post here (actually a reblog lol) and I’ve really been wanting to write a post but I’m still stuck in the habit of putting it off until I know for sure what I want to write or have the privacy to do so. Or maybe it’s just me being a big scaredy cat again :< I think from now on I’ll try to just write as if I’m writing in a diary, so more spontaneous and with less worrying about structure/keeping to just one topic or whether someone reads it or not, as I’m doing this for myself and my benefit most.

Although I was dawdling I did however sort out quite a lot of stuff to do with the blog and some good stuff irl (which I’ll get to later or in another post). One of the main things to mention is that I switched this blog from my primary one to a side one, which does make more sense and makes me feel a bit more at ease which should make it a bit easier to write and post without the restraint I was feeling before. Whether to keep them linked or not idk, I feel uneasy about it but I don’t think it should matter, I mean it is still me on both blogs and everything. I just wanted to separate the huge blocks of serious emotional text from the random cutesy and silly stuff I also wanted to post, but I think I might still post mental health related things to my main one, just in the form of images and not essays like these lol.

Also I changed the urls from the hyphenated and maybe overly fancy termed things they were previously to more simple and cute ones. I still feel a lil iffy about them (like this blog url feels a bit ‘cold’ but looks pretty and flows well while my main one sounds more ‘warm’ but the world cuddly doesn’t flow well or look as nice lol) but whatever I’ll grow to like them or just change them again whenever, I spent way too much time agonising over them, it’s time to move on! I fixed up the about pages on both of them too, the links and tags pages are still empty for now, but I’m content enough with the way they are now to actually begin posting properly soon I hope. Oh and the current avatar/sidebar image is a really crappy drawing I made 2-3 years ago with a mouse when I was feeling down and was going to make and name this blog ‘rainysnail’ lol. I still might use that name/url someday for something though ^^

I searched for ‘extreme indecisiveness’ in google the other day because I was that frustrated with myself about well, being indecisive (and it was over the same lame url/blog stuff as before, not surprise surprise). I know there’s a lot of stigma around consulting ‘Dr.Google’ and self diagnosis being looked down on as it could prove to be more harmful in some cases and I won’t lie, I do get kinda hypochondriac-ish sometimes, but sometimes it can be very educational and helpful too. I just wanted to know if I was feeling something... something valid(?) or if I was just being an idiot.

I came across ‘Aboulomania’ on my indecisiveness search and wow, it sounds pretty similar to AVPD and my current feelings but the way it’s written is kinda heavier? (and hella typo-ey/engrish-y lol I just chose that one because it seemed to have the most info from the few I clicked on). Idk... it doesn’t seem to be as much of a known/legit thing so there doesn’t seem to be that many sources on it or at least any reputable ones (though I didn't look particularly hard or for a long time though but once you’re past page 2 on google everything is bleh anyways lol). Also on its definition here lol it talks about ‘analysis paralysis’ and that’s something I kinda knew of and struggle with already. I feel some resonance with this finding and feel a little more assured and saddened at the same time, but I’m not about to run around screaming I have this thing or anything. Maybe I’ll look into it more another time but right now I kinda don’t have the energy to .__.

Indecision is something that appears and could be caused by all sorts of disorders, even just depression alone or a whole mix of other things and factors. Many disorders overlap (like the stuff in cluster c which I feel are most relevant to me) and trying to pinpoint exact reasons and causes for things to do with mental health is near impossible, so I don’t wanna dwell on it. I have therapy soon so having a professional help work out things is a much better idea (unless they also consult Dr.Google like some of the stories I’ve read online lol).

I did see some snippets of advice on indecision on another page and it was basically to let go of the feeling to try and always be perfect/choose the definitive ‘right’ decision and to just trust your gut feelings instead of leaving yourself to stress over it. Yeah, it’s nothing new really and I have been trying to do this but sometimes it’s just so difficult with all these automatic negative feelings weighing my rationality down and sometimes I forget because it’s so hard wired into me to get anxious and over analytical. *Sigh* ...but if I keep reminding myself I think it will stick more in the end. I have already adopted the ‘it doesn’t hurt to try’, ‘just do it, ‘yolo’, ‘no1curr’ etc. kind of mindset/mantra when I get hesitant before doing something that I usually avoid lol, sometimes it fails but the times when I have been brave and not overthought or avoided I’ve felt kinda proud of myself and there were some positive-ish outcomes too. So I just need to continue and allow myself to grow stronger in mind and spirit (and hopefully body too).

In relation to what I said before about the whole ‘Dr.Google’ thing, I thought maybe take the time now to write about my experiences with doctors in general. Many times in the past and even now when I would be explaining my problem (whether physical or mental) to a doctor, they would just shake their head and scoff to them self or even outright laugh smugly and then dismiss it straight away (especially if I mentioned I read something on the internet). The feeling of being fobbed off and even ridiculed by someone that’s supposed to be helping didn’t fare well on my confidence at all and I feel it is a reason I wasn’t proactive in sorting out a lot of the problems I’m still dealing with and obviously I am regretful, maddened and saddened as many of them could have been avoided or alleviated better if they were dealt with sooner.

I’m not saying all doctors are like this, I think it was those particular doctors that were the problem and thank goodness I don’t have to choose to see them anymore (I hope). My current doctor (who I actually came across due to those mean doctors being unavailable one time) is worlds apart in the way he handles things. He is so kind and accommodating to start with, listens well to any concerns, addresses them with great care and reassurance and is very adept at scheduling appointments for further investigations. I feel he really goes above and beyond and has both a friendly and personal but professional demeanour. I mean he isn’t 100% godly perfect as there were times I felt a bit iffy with some of the explanations and prescriptions and sometimes things were delayed, but he does try hard to help and is not against reading information from the internet and in fact encourages it and utilises it himself (eg. printing a informational page on a certain health thing from a reliable health website).

When I presented some info and concerns relating to a health problem I was having investigated already but felt was going in the wrong direction (ie. going down the typical ‘fob you off with the most common explanation so you go away’ route) he explained that it’s the typical process to go for the most common things first when investigating and agreed another route of investigation would be beneficial, more relevant and time efficient so he arranged that too. This doctor is such an awesome and good natured person and I’m so grateful, but he may only be temporary at the place I go to however and it makes me sad to think I might end up with the mean kind again someday. But the lesson is to not settle on doctors that are not helpful or any other type of awful and that there are good people out there. Something that was really very prominent and touching about going to this doctor is that my mother and sister who go with me sometimes were also stunned by how nice and helpful he’s been.

I distinctly remember one of the first times I went to see him with my mum and at that point I had been ill for so long already and she was obviously very worried about me. At the end of the appointment he announced what he would recommend me for investigation and assured that he’d help me get better soon with a smile and then he pointed to my mum next to me who I wasn’t facing at the time and I can’t remember exactly what he said but it was something about my mum crying. When I turned to look, she was indeed crying and I couldn’t stop my own eyes from watering either. I have never ever EVER seen my mum cry before, so it shocked me a lot and made me emotional too. I mean my sister told me she did cry one time recently, but that was when she was so stressed and upset over a family matter on her side of the family :c It’s not like this is something on my bucket list or anything, because I would rather her never be upset or cry for a bad reason, but this showed how much she cares and worries for me and in this case she was crying because she was happy, relieved that she would possibly not have to see me suffer as much and was moved to tears.

Unfortunately the problems have still not been resolved or fully recognised yet, and recently one of the doctors recommended to help investigate fobbed me off and it feels bleh lol... no not lol... very un-lol :< But at least the investigation is still going further in some way I guess and I’ll take his words with a grain of salt, I’ve yet to see my regular doctor to discuss what happens next. I think I’ve just backed down and passively taken whatever explanations too much in the past with negative results or progress and Idk I have a hard time accepting things some doctors say nowadays, a lot of it seems contradictory, sometimes illogical or outdated, robotic, insincere etc.

When I’m reading what I’ve just written it keeps making me worried I’m a ass or have trust issues or something... :< I know doctors are meant to be serious and professional, but I can’t shake the feeling that some of them are not nice/unwilling to help as much as they could. I have had so many past experiences to do with being treated differently and being prejudiced against and it still happens today and not just to me but all of my family members, it’s tough and really upsetting... :c

It is true though, that you really have to push and persist if you want something done about a problem, and many times people are let go and misdiagnosed with stuff that ends up being something different or a lot more serious. I’m not saying whatever I have is ultra serious and I wouldn’t know anyways. I am clearly not dying, and I hope I’m not, but when I was without medication at the beginning I felt so bad and I was so scared of dying (even though usually idgaf thanks to depression etc.) I’m scared of being in pain and having to suffer both physically and mentally forever. I want to get better, become a stronger person. do the things that matter and well, in a nutshell live my life to the fullest.

Anyways, about the app with the normal doctor... I avoided phoning on a day I could’ve gotten a sooner appointment (my sister encouraged me to, but she was away that day and my mum said it was an inconvenient day to go, but it actually wasn’t really... I should I have pushed myself to go forward even so...) the appointment I do have is 2 weeks away from what it could’ve been. But I guess maybe someone else might have taken that appointment that needed it more urgently, or there might not have been any available that day anyways w/e. Avoidance playing up again... be more brave silly self!

I was planning to write some more happier stuff that’s been going but this post is already quite long so a separate post it is~ and I won’t keep putting it off! Tbh I’m only comfortable pulling up my blog and writing my feels whenever I am alone, so when my family are all at work, but this only occurs on random days and for such a short span of time. Or at least when I know they are all busy downstairs, I can try but I feel like I have to be extra alert and switch it away when they do come. I... ugh idk :c I don’t want to be secretive or feel guilty but I can’t help it, it’s just so hard and frustrating. I can’t even write what illnesses I was talking about earlier on (though I do hope to dedicate whole posts to writing about them later). I will improve and forgo this paranoid feeling someday though! Believe it! *cringe*

0 notes

fragiilexa · 8 years

Note

all of the fruit questions thank u

send me a fruit

bless mah fave for sending all of them in ohym god *heart eyes*

peach: do you have any piercings or tattoos?

anyway im doin me & lila bc she wants too do this tOO ok ok bless, but I have no tattoos *eyeroll* but i want them bc !! tattoos !! are cute !! i luhv them !! but I’m also hella indecisive so I’m nervous about it, but I definitely want some and only my ears are pierced ( once ) but I never put them in cauSE IM LAZY tbh

“ Uh, I lost count of my tattoos but it’s over fifteen, and I have my ears pierced and like, five on my left, two on the other. I had my nose pierced before but that got boring, my belly button was pierced for a while too but I took it out uh... I wanted to get my nipples pierced once when I was drunk but a friend talked me out of it... still kinda wanna do it though... like, why not y’know? Is yolo still a thing? Yolo. “

raspberry: favorite flower?

Probably Tulips, or Roses?

“ Dasies ‘cause I like to make daisy chains, but also Dahlia’s and Water Lily’s. “

lemon: do you have any pets? what are their names?

Four lovely kitties, Jasper, Jake, Kelso & then we got Hunter.

“ Yuki, obviously, he’s fan-fucking-tastic, and then Stitch who’s a tiny little angel in a snoring bundle of excess skin and snorts. “

mango: what is your trademark?

Being the Mom Friend™ & also probably Princess of Puns™

“ Problematic Fave™ and, we can all admit it, Cotton Candy Princess™ cause that’s mah thing. “

passion fruit: how would you describe your style?

My style is ‘I can’t afford my real style & barely have a sense of style & i mostly just wear leggings and a t-shirt unless I go out but when I go out i try’ style, but I’m also trying to be more confident in my style too, hence my new bathing suit, but we’ll see how that goes lmao

“ My style is probably hipster-esque, but like not, cause I’m not a hipster, I’m not I just like cute clothes and I like skirts and I like being princess looking sometimes but then other times I don’t give a shit if I look like a gross monster that came out from under your bed. Sometimes, but mostly, skirts and, cute and kind of expensive but not ‘shiny jewelry’ type of expensive like ‘if you touch this skirt i’ll murder you ‘cause I spent my entire check on it’ type of expensive. It’s either all or nothing basically. “

pineapple: sexual orientation?

there are too many pretty ppl in the world how could i possibly narrow that down

“ Same -I’m with her. “

strawberry: favorite desserts?

Hm, I dunno like, Milkshakes are great? I love all desserts equally?? I dunno.

“ If I’m lucky whoever I’m eating dinner with a the time. - but no, actually there’s this strawberry icecream, unicorn thing at this ice cream bar across from my work and it’s the best thing, it’s got gold flakes in it, GOLD FLAKES, and rainbow sprinkles. It’s fucking fantastic. “

cherry: can you play any musical instruments or can you sing?

Nah I tried to learn the guitar once and I got too distracted & uninspired ‘cause I felt dumb & also no, no i can not but I trY on a daily basis.

“ Mah fam, my friend, of course I do. I play piano, guitar and a little of the uke, and, you... I mean, duh, I mean I’m not trying to brag but also yes I can sing, I love to sing I can sing right now if you want me too. “

grape: if you could take a vacation anywhere in the world, where would you go?

Disney World, but also I want to go to the Netherlands really badly too.

“ Probably some island somewhere where I can just fall asleep in a hammock and walk around naked without people yelling at me to cover up ‘cause like, yes. But also I really wanted to go to italy and also to niagra falls ‘cause I’ve never been there and it just looks cool. “

banana: favorite horror movies?

I don’t like gory horror movies, but I like bettlejuice, the conjuring, suspenseful thrillers, though I can’t name many right now.

“ Whats the one with the people who die in the woods? The Blair Witch Project. That one freaks me out, that and Halloween. “

blackberry: is your life an action film, a comedy, a romantic comedy, or drama?

Right now? Drama, I’d much rather have a rom com though.

“ Drama. “

pomegranate: when do you feel the most confident?

After a shower or a workout or something like that when I’m really just concentrating on myself in a positive way & helping myself is when I feel most confident, when I’m too in my head things go downhill tbqh.

“ After singing. “

cantaloupe: what are your parents' names?

Fun fact: both their middle names are Lee.

“ Nickolas and Anna... “

guava: dark & dramatic makeup or natural makeup?

I WOULD IF I COULD i don’t know how to do makeup properly I never taught myself/was taught so definitely just natural, out of habit & lack of knowledge.

“ Depends on the time of day but I love wearing darker stuff at night ‘cause it’s fun. “

tangelo: if you could be any mythical creature, which would you be?

A Unicorn or a Werewolf ‘cause I love wolves & I would luv to run around & have a fluffy tail & a cute nose & also be intimidating AF but then again I’d love to be a Unicorn because basically they’re perfect & can heal sickness & are magical.

“ A fairy, but like, a cool one, not like tinkerbell, well, like tinkerbell but also cool & mysterious. “

plum: favorite clothing brands?

Whatever fits, but I’d love to try Forever 21 Plus ‘cause they seem to have cute things, but I dunno, legit whatever fits me & looks cute.

“ Uh, I never look at the labels on things.. is that bad? Mostly it’s cause like, I’m drunk when I get my clothes, sometimes... mostly... but... yeah.. I dunno I should look into that more. “

coconut: favorite perfume?

The only one I ever use is Wonderstruck by Taylor Swift ??? I had another one but I lost it lmao

“ Okay so theres this sephora cotton candy perfume that I always use and it’ll be the death of me ‘cause it costs too much money but I love it and I love cotton candy don’t smelling things, don’t judge me. “

lychee: satin or lace?

Lace. Lace lacel alcadle lcae lace. all dah lace i love lace lace is s prett yi luv it so muc hsdogmrgefhrhsrgbetfhdrfs

“ l a c e. “

blueberry: what do you want to dress up as for halloween?

I never know what to dress up as, I haven’t in years :(

“ This year? That’s too far ahead I figure that stuff out like the night before. “

apple: what do you use more, tumblr or twitter?

Tumblr, but I’ve been using twitter more recently, or trying to anyways.

“ Twitter. “

kiwi: what's something that fascinates you?

God, Aliens, The Universe, Dogs, People, Music, Art, everything basically.

“ Uh.... how the internet works.... never really figured that out, I just go with it. Kinda freaks me out if I’m drunk and thinking about it. “

watermelon: do you have a job? if so, what is your job title?

Not ATM no I don’t :/

“ I work two jobs right now... sort of, I work as a waitress part-ish time and then I work at a florist shop right now but I dunno. I’m also trying to write this dumb fucking album but it’s not going well. My job title is failure. “

papaya: what song describes your aesthetic?

I Was Here by Beyonce

“ Probably uh, Big Girls Don’t Cry by Fergie? “

cranberry: favorite time of the day; morning, afternoon, dusk, or night?

Definitely night, but also recently afternoon cause I miss the sun.

“ Nighttime. “

nectarine: would you consider yourself an emotional person?

Very, but sometimes it’s hard for me to uh, get that across, sometimes, unless I’m overwhelmed then I’m like, crying, it depends. I’m weird, but yes.

“ Not that I really wanna be, but yeah sort of. “

orange: do you have long eyelashes?

I guess? Yes?

“ Yah, and I got freckles, did you know that? They’re great. “

apricot: what do you do when you're sad?

Either listen to sad music & let myself feel it or try to listen to happy music & be happy, mostly I take baths, or watch Mary Poppins, I try to talk to friends, I dunno it’s hard it depends on what kind of sad I am.

“ I er, retreat & I make blanket fort and I only invite Yuki & Stitch and I eat lots of ice cream. “

star fruit: favorite sea creature?

I really loveeee Dory, but also I love starfish? Starfish and Sea Otters, and um Whales, also Dolphins... I love them all okay? Ok.

“ Mermaids man, they’re out there okay? “

dragonfruit: do you drink alcohol?

I can, but I haven’t, but I wanna see Lila’s reaction to this....

“ AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAy e a hHAHHAHAHAHA HAH AH AH HA HAH AH AH

A HA HAH A H AH

HAH AH H

H A. “

#THIS TOOK SO LONG OH MTY OGIDASFG WR YRE GWED GEWG EQ #sensualiist

0 notes