#i know that shes got long covid and adhd

[fuckingarataswespeak]

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[copperbadge]

How did you find the doctor(s) who assessed you for ADHD? Im looking into the process of getting diagnosed because (although ive suspected I might have adhd for years now) I've been struggling a lot more lately and i want to try medication to see if it helps at all. Im trying to search for psychiatrists through my health insurance portal but the the results im getting are all for child/adolescent psychiatry specialists, and I dont think that'll be much help for an adult adhd assessment? Did you have an established therapist to refer you for your assessment or were you able to find a psychiatrist independently?

I actually just kind of had to freeform it, but that does mean I have some tips to share!

I will say, I have never once used a health insurance portal to find someone to treat me for anything. Often their search engine is fucked up and the information is sometimes out of date. I almost always either ask someone who I know has had similar issues if they have a recommendation, ask my treating physician if I have one, or just google until I find someone reputable-looking; any qualified medical center or professional will list what insurance they take anyway, and you can always ask when you make the appointment.

So here's the process for how to do that!

When I was first considering it, I asked a friend who'd had an evaluation that came back not-ADHD, which I liked because it meant we knew it wasn't like, a weird Adderall pill mill or something. I really wanted to have a professional and thorough evaluation because I knew myself and knew I was capable of gaming a questionnaire. The place she had her evaluation was unfortunately having some staffing issues; part of the reason it took me so long is that I played phone tag with them for ages -- I'd call, and regardless of what time of day I called, their scheduler would be "out", so I'd leave a message and never get a call back. Ultimately I said "I really need to talk to a human, because your scheduler has not returned any of my numerous calls" and they said they could transfer me to another office outside of Chicago (in the burbs). That was not going to be accessible to me, so I told them thanks but I'll go somewhere else. Then COVID hit and I was not going to go anywhere near a medical center unless I had to for about two years.

So, when I was making my second serious run at getting evaluated, I did what might be expected of me by longtime readers of this blog: I made a spreadsheet.

I want to caveat this up top with REALLY IMPORTANT CONTEXT: I did not do all of this in a single day. The process from starting research to making an evaluation appointment took about a month, and probably would have taken longer if I wasn't getting somewhat desperate. Do not push yourself to do this as a single act. Research alone is a multi-day process; some days I looked at the open tabs and only entered one tab's worth of information. It took me quite a bit of time to write the form email I sent inquiring about an assessment. It took me time to call the clinic back when they asked me to call to book the appointment. This is a series of steps, not a single leap.

So!

I was looking for a clinic rather than an individual, in part because I'd heard a couple of horror stories about people who went to a psychiatrist and just got argued with for an hour instead of actually getting evaluated. So I googled, and here are some key terms for you, chicago adult adhd assessment. Chicago obviously for the region, but "adult adhd" (putting it in quotes will help) is the important term that will help you filter out a lot of child psych stuff. A lot of what I looked at did included family or child assessment/therapy but were clear that they also evaluated adults.

Then I went through every legit-looking search result and noted down, in my spreadsheet, the name of the clinic/company, the contact phone and email, the URL, the physical location (I needed to be able to get to it fairly easily) and whether they took my insurance. Even if they didn't take my insurance (all but one did) I still put them into the spreadsheet so that if I found them again I could check the sheet and know I didn't need to investigate further. I also tended to bump more legitimate and friendly-looking places to the top of the sheet. And if I were going to do it again I would also look for one specific thing, which is an assessment guide of some kind.

The assessment guide may be something they only give you after you speak with them, so it's not a no-go if they don't have one on their website, but it basically tells you what generally will go on during the assessment, how long it will take, and what you should bring. A full assessment like I had is estimated to take 4-6 hours and they recommended I wear layers so I wouldn't be overly cold/warm in their office, and to bring a snack. That's the kind of information you want, duration of the assessment and what they recommend for you, to ensure that you're working with people who are thorough and care about your comfort.

So, I have this spreadsheet now of places to reach out to, which I know take my insurance and do adult assessment. In the spreadsheet I also had columns for what date I contacted them and whether they'd responded. I started reaching out via email, one per day, with the form email I'd written.

The form email basically said "I'm 42 with no previous diagnosis but I have a family history of autism and dyslexia. I've been told I should get assessed for ADHD, so I'm looking for a clinic that will do the assessment and takes (my insurance). I prefer to be contacted by email but if need be, my phone number is (phone number). Please let me know if you have any open appointments and what information you will need from me to book an evaluation with you." (You can always ask for more information about the actual evaluation process once they respond.)

If I didn't get a response within 24 hours, I moved on to the next, but I only greyed out the text in that line of the spreadsheet; I didn't disqualify/remove the nonresponsive ones because again, I wanted to make sure I kept that information in case they eventually did respond. I did this with about ten clinics, because I figured I must be able to find at least one in ten who could do the eval, and I could go back and research more if necessary.

I think the third or fourth one I reached out to was the first to respond, and I ended up going with them; I had a very positive experience in the assessment itself but it was a real pain in the ass getting the documentation from them -- they took about a month to go through the evaluation data (this is not abnormal but is rather longer than usual according to my psychiatrist) and they gave me an in-person-by-zoom report once it was ready. That said, it took another four months and the threat of reporting them to the state to get them to send me the text of the eval (in part because the evaluator left the clinic unexpectedly with my formal report not yet written). But that's something that's truly impossible to know until you're working with them, and highly unusual, so don't let concerns about that deter you. If you end up in that situation come hit me up and I'll tell you how I dealt with that.

My eval recommended an executive function coach, but if I haven't been able to func it by now I never will, so I thanked them for the recommendation and went looking for a psychiatrist unaffiliated with the clinic to prescribe me meds. There, the key words you're going to be looking for are again "adult adhd" but also "adult disability" and if you want medication that's less likely to be a huge fucking hassle, "medication management". My psychiatrist and I meet every two months to reup my prescription, but he doesn't require me to take a regular drug test or meet him in person in order to get a new scrip, as some people have encountered. We meet in person once or twice a year (I can't remember, it's due to a legal requirement in Illinois) but otherwise it's over zoom.

So yeah -- it's a process, but there are ways to streamline and manage it, and a few tripwires in place to make sure you don't end up screwed by the system. Definitely feel free to ask if you have questions, either here or if you want a more indepth conversation you can email me at copperbadge@gmail.com. GOOD LUCK!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for telling my Grandma I'm not going to have a specific conversation with her and just walking away?

So context, I (28) am currently between jobs because one of my ex-coworkers was the asshole who got me fired, and I haven't found anything new.

My mother (50) and I both live in my Grandma (80)'s house which is divided into an upstairs and a downstairs. Grandma lives in the downstairs. So do my mom and sister. I live alone in a two bedroom upstairs which belonged to my late aunt.

Right after my aunt died, I wanted to clean the apartment, organize, donate, toss, keep her stuff. To make sure everything gets where it'd ought best go, but my mother told me I had no right to go through my aunt's things alone and sort keepsake from takaway; if I was to do anything it was to be with her.

Well, three years of me trying to get my mom up here to sort through it with me because I want to respect her wishes, and my stuff accruing in a layer over top of my aunts stuff because I can't get rid of it, and the apartment is a lifetime and three years mess. My mom never made the time to do what she told me I wasn't allowed to do without her, me respecting these wishes which she probably doesn't even remember. I've been living up here too afraid of trespassing against my aunts memory to clean the cobwebs full of her red hair. Because my mother said, I had no right to do it.

And that cleaning anxiety is on top of executive dysfunction, depression, having too much shit, being a sprawler type adhd, and working a 40 h/week 'part-time' retail position. I didn't have it in me to clean by myself, and the mess kept getting worse and no one would substancially help me no matter how much I asked. Not my mom and not my sister (who gets a pass because she's got post-exertional malases from Long Covid).

Now fast foreward to two weeks ago. My mother final finds the motivation to clean the upstairs apartment because she's got a boyfriend now, and they wanna have sex upstairs where my grandma can't hear it. They didn't ask me if it was okay or anything: just decided that my space is now OUR space because it's convinent to her. I don't really care, and I'm annoyed, but finally someone to clean the fucking apartment with. She said, two weeks ago that he'd be coming around in about four months time. We spent the day getting a lot of cleaning done. Not anywhere near all of it, but a lot. And I've finally gotten what I see as permission to start sortitioning my aunts things. I'm pacing myself cleaning on that four month timetable.

And then today she bursts into the apartment to announce that BF will be here in a week, and she starts hauling major ass with my late aunt's heavy as shit sewing supplies. For my part, I vent the new timeline to my friends and then get to work cleaning my bedroom so I can move the stuff I have sprawled over the living room into my bedroom. Because my bedroom being messy is what's getting in my way the most.

When she's done hauling boxes, she goes to start cleaning the bathroom, and because she's in too much of a hurry on this new self-imposed and sprung upon me timeline, she hurts herself cleaning the toilet. Spasms her wrist, locks up her back. I help her downstairs but she's obviously done for the day, probably done for the week even. I get back to light cleaning with breaks, pacing myself to the new timeline I have to deal with. And I get a call from my grandma.

G: "Hey anon can you come down here." A: "I'll be down in a minute." I pull on pants and a shirt and head down.

And here we get to the key events all that context was building toward.

G: "What happened with your mom." A: "She hurt herself cleaning." G: "I know that, I mean why was she cleaning your apartment. You're an adult who's lived here for three years, and she's the only one working, and now she can't move. Why's the apartment you live in such a state that she needs to clean it for you."

Now, I know my grandma. A mule would be jealous of her stubborn demeanor. She's on an oxygen machine 24 hours a day and she still smokes two packs a week. You can't change her mind once she's made it up.

So I'm doing calculations in my head while she's laying into me, and I conclude she's made her mind up: She thinks I'm 100% in the wrong and nothing that came out my mouth would convince her that my mom is just as much an adult as I am who is responsible for her own decisions that got her to overworking when cleaning and hurting herself in the process, and also several inter-related key factors in why so much cleaning needs to be done on an 'oh fuck, immediately' timescale.

Doing the math makes me a bit angry, and I don't like the type of person I get to acting like when I'm angry, especially because anything I say will just make her more upset, so I say, "Grandma, I'm not going to have this conversation with you."

And I walk away. I leave while she yells at me to come back and let myself be yelled at. I'm angry, so I mindfully do not to slam her door on my way out and go back up stairs

After some scrumbling and a bit more light cleaning with breaks to pace myself, best I can, to this newly imposed and unreasonable timetable, my room is 90% clean and ready for me to put my stuff in it. And now that I'm not as angry anymore, I started to feel guilty that I didn't even try to explain anything to her. I just decided she'd made up her mind and made up mine to walk away without even trying. So, I typed this up to ask:

AITA for refusing to engage her in that conversation and just walking away?

What are these acronyms?

[scretladyspider]

please don’t scroll; I really need your help to reach my gofundme goal of $3500 and not become homeless.

Im Elle, a queer, ace, disabled person with ADHD, depression, and two cats. In November, I lost my job without warning. I have no savings as the job already had me living to the last dollar of every paycheck. I was denied unemployment and food stamps. I cannot work away from home, a physical job, or something with strict hours due to some yet-to-be-diagnosed illness.

this is my story — what’s going on & how I got here. (Smaller text used because it’s a lot of information/a long post.)

In early 2018, I was doing regular walk/runs. In 2019, I stopped being able to run, so I went on walks. Running took hours, then days, to recover from. My body couldn’t produce energy to do it consistently, so, walks. In 2020, I kept going on walks and tried to do aerobics. I was not able to keep doing aerobics. My body took hours upon hours to recover, where before it hadn’t, I was alone for almost all of 2020, and never developed COVID symptoms; it was what happened with running all over again. In 2021, it started to take more time to recover from walks. Then I started to need to take a nap immediately after I clocked out from work— and it was a work from home job. In 2022, I began to go from my sitting desk job straight to my bed most days, laying down exhausted right after work, even sleeping through lunch to get some rest.

On New Year's Eve 2023, I spent 30 minutes cleaning, including vacuuming my living room. I had to rest the rest of the day.

In the last five years, I've gone from running to being exhausted for hours by taking my garbage to the curb.

Imagine you were someone who enjoyed recreational exercise. Now imagine doing 1/100th of that and feeling sick for days. Thats me.

There are other symptoms also. More vulnerability to infection and more trouble fighting infection. Shooting, sharp muscle pains in large muscles such as the thigh or forearm, like a pinched nerve, that come and go at random. Pulse rate that skyrockets upon standing, to go back to normal soon after. Stomach inflammation. Inflammation without major swelling. Headaches. Complete inability to tolerate heat, leading to excruciating migraines that only go away with things like cold showers, electrolytes, and hours of rest in the dark with ice. Muscles that literally don't feel like they're getting oxygen. Random rashes. Face flushing. Being much more easily out of breath, yawning over and over, like I can't get air correctly. Weight gain, no matter what I eat or don't eat.

And just being so, so tired.

In summer of 2018, something… stopped working in my body. I felt sick all the time. I had a low, unexplainable fever nearly every day. Shooting nerve pain would wake me up at night. The doctor said I had a cold. But months went by and I didn’t get better. When my blood work and thyroid hormone level was normal, I was referred to a rheumatologist.

I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia after he made me wait 45 minutes, came in and asked “are you tired?", poked me hard, said I was tender, and left without running tests. This sort of “uhm the standard blood work came back normal, have you tried exercising more? I know you’re here because your body can’t recover from it but have you tried more of that? Also going to sleep at night?” has been the response over and over and over for five years. It got to the point where I even started to wonder if I was somehow making it up. I see a psych nurse. She thinks there's more than just depression, ADHD, and other things - though we both agree that managing those is vital too. She used to be a cardiologist, so this is reassuring. But when I have tried to see other doctors, it goes differently. Most of the time they see I have ADHD, a long history of depression, and hypermobile joints, and say that explains everything. I can't count how many times I've been told "well, you have depression” when the labs, if they even agreed to run them, came back normal. My standard blood work sometimes comes back with anemia, but I take an iron supplement. No improvement had come of it. I’ve had my thyroid hormone levels tested over and over, but never the antibodies. No imaging or referrals have happened, outside of one to a second rheumatologist. He ran no tests either; he just saw my joints are hypermobile and I was “sure taking a lot of mental health medications” (two at the time), and… that was that.

I had given up on actually even getting help until my SIL recommended a doctor she knew. For the first time in five years, when the standard blood work and TSH tests were normal, she told me we would keep looking. I actually cried with relief at that. It’s amazing to be believed after all this time.

Because of …. All of this, I'm trying to figure out how to either work for myself or find a work from home job that has flexible hours I can choose. I literally wouldn't be able to work a retail gig where I have to stand for eight hours, or even a 9-5 where I have to be there for those exact hours, because my body cannot do that right now. I want to get better but it's a long way off. First I need to know what's even wrong. I'm praying for a diagnosis soon. And treatment. At the least, management.

I have heard of EDS and I have been evaluated. I apparently don’t meet enough criteria, hence the diagnosis of JHS instead. It’s in the same family. I have also heard of POTS. I am pursuing testing. Same with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, MCAS, fibromyalgia… yeah. The thing is nothing outside of the standard blood count and thyroid hormone level test, no other lab tests have been done. There are so many things this could be that have never been checked. Lyme disease, for example, is extremely common where I live (it’s actually just extremely common worldwide) and matches much of my experience, but 1) in the USA the initial Lyme test relies on a strain of bacteria cultured in the 80s 2) there are over 100 strains of Lyme disease in the USA 3) in spite of decades of research there are doctors who don’t believe chronic Lyme exists 4) no doctor has ever checked and I only recently learned anything about it so I never asked. But… there are a lot of things to check that I’ve never had checked is my point. Fingers crossed someone can help me get there.

I do not have a partner who can try to support me through this, and my family already supports me however they can. My severance (which was low as I found out I was being paid much less than the rest of the team later) paid only my January rent.

Since my ability to work is severely limited right now, and I've been denied unemployment and food stamps, and I would need a diagnosis and to be awarded disability benefits in court (which can take YEARS that I don’t have), I have nothing in savings because of years of underpaying jobs the cost of living and being disabled and going through prior periods of unemployment due to this and other factors, I am left in a tough spot without help. Without this help, this gofundme... I have nothing.

So... here I am. A queer nonbinary disabled neurodivergent writer, trying my best, living with some undiagnosed illness that's severely impacted my ability to function, who got fired without real reasons (in America they can just do that to you without even telling you why), asking for your help to pay my February rent and January bills so I don’t repeat the trauma of being homeless. Or for you to reblog this.

Thank you for reading all of this.

It’s been on my chest for a long time. Even if it wasn’t for the gofundme, it feels good to talk about and be honest about my health. It reminds me you’re not supposed to feel like this all the time when I tell other people and they tell me I should get help and deserve answers. It’s reassuring to see competent doctors who finally believe me. I hope we figure it out.

no donation is too small— they add up. If just 100 people gave $35, the goal would be met. Sharing is also giving— it means someone who can help is more likely to see it.

You can also help via my venmo — secretladyspider

CashApp — secretladyspider

or find PayPal in my tip jar in my linktree

Goal is $3500 or over. Funds needed ASAP. If it goes over, that’ll help with February.

Thank you for anything and everything.

[writtenbymisunderstoodnerds]

Just tell them (USWNT x Reader)

This isn't that great, but I have covid again and this is keeping me entertained. Enjoy :)

Words: 1.6K

Swing, swing, swing

It was hypnotising. The swinging and bouncing of the ponytails as the girls ran around the field. There had been many things in the past that I had hyper-fixated on. This just happened to be the weirdest one yet. I don't know what is was. It was attractive, but more likely it was the repetitive motion of it. All I knew was it was embarrassing. Not just this particular hyper-fixation, I found all of them embarrassing. I found my inability to focus, my inability to sit still and my hyperactivity embarrassing. No one on the team knew about my ADHD and I planned on keeping it that way. 

They didn't need the burden of knowing. The burden of knowing how difficult it was for me to stop myself from bouncing off the walls, to concentrate on what's going on and to actually remember stuff. They could keep thinking I was highly organised by putting every little thing in my calendar or someone who was just quiet. I put on a show as the quiet one who preferred listening to music and going to the gym constantly. When in reality is was all I could do to control the hyper-activeness and not annoy them.

"She's too old for you," Kelley stated as she sat down next to me.

I jumped, forcing my gaze away from Alex's ponytail and to her, "What?"

"You've been staring at Alex for the past 20 minutes. She's 33, you're 24. That's too old for you and she has a husband and kid."

"I wasn't staring at her, I just zoned out."

"Sure, you've been doing that a lot recently. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, just tired." It was true. After moving in with my girlfriend, I wasn't used to sleeping alone, therefore I hadn't been sleeping well this camp. All my ADHD symptoms got worse when I was tired, especially the inability to focus and zoning out. Kelley looked less then convinced, but let it go when we were all called back to the field.

Later that night I was cuddled up in bed completely exhausted. Tierna was out with some of the girls and wouldn't be back until later so I took the opportunity to facetime my girlfriend, Ally. A smile appeared instantly when I saw her sitting on our bed, in her pajamas, hair in a messy bun with paper and books surrounding her. 

Hi love, you look busy.

Hey baby. Just some work I need to finish. Are you okay? You look tired.

No one ever warns you how hard it is to sleep alone after you move in with someone. You should be at your desk, you're going to hurt your back.

Tell me about it. That shit should come with a warning label or something. I was at my desk, but it got uncomfortable. 

I couldn't help, but laugh at her attempt to cheer me up, I love you, did you manage to get time off to come to the game this weekend?

She frowned, shifting slightly and I knew the answer without her saying anything. It was disappointing, but not unexpected. I'm sorry. I really tried baby.

It's okay my love, I understand. It was a long shot to begin with. You'll be watching right?

Always. You should get some sleep Y/n. I'll stay on the phone talking my nonsense until you fall asleep, just like at home. I love you.

I love you too

---

So I may have forgotten to take my meds this morning. By time I realised, it was to late and we were already on our way to the stadium. Game days were the best and worst days to forget. When I was on the field, everything washed away, I was able to focus completely on the game. The problem was before the game when nerves were at an all time high. It was hard to control the nerves when I took my meds, but almost impossible without them. I had my music all the way up, leg bouncing like crazy, trying to suppress some of the desire to scream.

Once we got off the bus things only got worse. My mind was a mess, my energy was bubbling over. I jumped up and down, shaking my arms in attempt to release some of the energy.

Christen pat my shoulder, "You'll do great, don't worry."

"Thanks, I'm going to go for a little walk, calm my nerves a little bit."

"Don't be late back."

After walking around a bit, I pulled out my phone to call the one person I knew could calm me down. Except she didn't answer. I slapped my hands against the wall a few times, stopping when I heard my phone ding.

Ally: Sorry baby, can't answer right now. I love you, you'll kick ass.

I sighed, firing off a quick reply before heading to the field, thinking maybe a warm up will calm my brain. It worked until the few minutes before the game started. I was checking my phone for a good luck text from Ally while pacing and jumping around. 

Ally: You didn't take your meds did you? Just breathe, focus on the game, you've got this

Y/n: How did you know?

Ally: Look behind you

I turned around to find Ally standing in the stands just behind the bench. Just seeing her, calmed my brain slightly. She blew me a kiss, making me smile widely. I couldn't believe she was actually here. A couple of the girls blocked my view. Turning to try and find who I was looking at. I had only been part of the team for a couple of months so they didn't know about Ally yet. There was a lot of things I hadn't told them. I had been too busy trying to be someone else so I wasn't a burden.

"Who's got you smiling like a fool?"

"Thank you love."

"Someone. You may get to meet them later, but for now, let's kick some ass."

---

After the win, we were having celebrations in the locker room. I quietly slipped out to find Ally. It didn't take long, she was standing by the door to the stadium. My arms quickly wrapped around her waist, relaxing into her. My mind going quiet for the first time all camp. Ally kissed my head, holding me tighter, "I'm so proud of you Y/n/n. You did amazing."

"Do I get to meet your team?"

"You want to?"

"Of course I do, if you want me to that is."

I pulled away, opening the door, "Come on. Just a warning, they can be a little crazy at times especially after a win."

Ally shrugged, following after me, "I live with you, I think I can handle it."

"Oh no baby, they are at least 10x worse then me."

All the attention turned to the door as we walked in, "This is my girlfriend Ally, and guess what Kelley? She's older than me."

Kelley faked shock, hand resting over her heart, "You're dating an older woman? Scandalous."

Ally pouted, "I'm only 2 years older."

I wrapped my arm around her shoulder, placing a kiss on her temple, "Still older babe."

"So how long have you two been together?"

"Let's see if you can remember this one babe," Ally smirked putting emphasis on babe.

I smirked back, "1,460.97 Days or 208.71 Weeks or 4 years. Give or take a week."

"How did you remember that?"

"I remembered from our anniversary last week. It took a long time to memorise them for that, but then it stuck."

She nuzzled her nose against the spot just below my ear before whispering, "I love you."

"Only every now and then."

"I love you too."

As celebrations continued, Ally pulled me away slightly, speaking quietly, "How often have you forgotten to take your meds?"

Alyssa looked at me, concern written all over her face, "What meds?"

"Just vitamins."

The girls moved to stand closer, Ashlyn being the one to speak up, "Bullshit, she wouldn't be looking so serious if it was vitamins."

I knew they could be protective, but this wasn't the reaction I was expecting, "It's nothing."

Ally rest her hand on my back, giving me an apologetic look, but spoke up anyway, "Babe, you should just tell them."

"I don't want to burden them with my problems."

My face was cupped and forced to look at Ally. She looked sad, I hated it, "Y/n Y/m/n Y/l/n, you are not a burden. Having ADHD does not make you a burden. Do you understand that? Or do I have to tell you again and again until you do? You. Are. Not. A. Burden."

Before I could respond, Alex spoke up, "You have ADHD?"

Ally looked apologetic again. I wasn't mad at her for it coming out. She was just looking out for me and it was sort of a relief not to have to hide it anymore, "Uh yeah."

"That doesn't make you a burden, why would it?" Ali asked, expression sincere.

"It did to my parents. I was too much, too hyperactive, not focused enough."

"All it means is now you have us making sure you take your meds. Maybe you can stop being so quiet and withdrawn? We've noticed you want to join in or say more, but you always hesitate. Something tells me that's not who you are."

"Trust me, it's not. She's goofy, talkative, funny, Don't let that go to your head, you're only funny sometimes."

"Rude."

"You love me."

"Maybe I do, maybe I don't."

Ally's lips ghosted over mine, slight smirk appearing, "Oh, playing hard to get now?"

My lips just barely brushed hers, a shaky breath fanning over mine, "Isn't that why you fell in love with me?"

"One of many yes, bu-"

Kelley groaned, "You guys are cute and all, but this is just getting gross."

"Sorry."

Ally lent up to whisper in my ear again, "I got a hotel room for us."

I smiled, excitement rising at having her to myself, "T, I won't be back to the room tonight."

[anexperimentallife]

Help a disabled, neurodivergent, interracial family get back to the US for medical treatment

After three bouts of COVID and other medical issues over the past six years here in the Philippines, my health has deteriorated to the point at which I'm worried I won't get to watch my little girl grow up unless I can get back to where I can use my Medicare and VA benefits for various surgeries and treatments.

Unfortunately, even with all y'all's help, @thesurestthing and I are still in debt from the two-year ordeal of fixing our daughter's stateless status, so we can't do this on our own. My little sister started a fundraiser for us, and there are a couple of other ways to help, as well. If you can't help, please reblog. Thank you! (The PayPal link takes the lowest fees, but whatever works for you is best!)

If you want more details, they're under the cut:

Six years ago, while still grieving the deaths of my adult sons and a painful breakup, I moved from the US to the Philippines with just what I could carry, in large part because it's actually possible to survive here on the pittance US disability pays. I had kind of given up on life and figured I would sort of drift off eventually. I wasn't going to kick my own bucket, mind you; I just wasn't going to try very hard to keep living. And I figured I'd just pass away someplace beautiful.

Soon after I got here, though, @thesurestthing (also American) started messaging me from the states, told me she was going to come to the Philippines and be my girlfriend (even though I told her no at first), and eventually joined me here. We had a baby under lockdown, and got married.

So now I had something to live for. (And most of y'all know the drama with the error on El's birth certificate that left her stateless and took almost two years and a lot of money to get fixed.)

But I have had health scare after health scare over the past few years, including three bouts of COVID (some of you remember the month I spent hooked up to an oxygen machine), two bouts of pneumonia, a persistent two-year foot infection that took surgery to clear up (and is going to require another surgery to keep cleared up), damage to my heart and scarring in my lungs from long covid, a literal hole in my throat that is growing bigger, a spine injury, joint injuries, osteo and rheumatoid arthritis, a traumatic brain injury that affects my memory and concentration, adhd, bipolar disorder, autism, and other issues.

(Not even getting into the dental stuff--Hope to be able to get that done before we go back, here where it's cheaper, because Medicare doesn't cover that.)

I'm terrified that I won't be alive to watch my little girl grow up unless I can get someplace where I can use my Medicare and VA health benefits.

An old friend of mine is a social worker and on the school board in a small Minnesota city with its own VA clinic, and has offered to help us get settled in there, but we still have to find a place to live (suitable for a couple that includes a physically disabled adult, and who have a toddler), some basic household goods, some cheap used transportation, and need to survive for a couple of months while Zoey looks for work.

Given our situation in general and the fact that right now my disability is our only income, we're probably looking at having to pay at least six months (or possibly an entire year) of rent up front in order to get anyplace to lease to us.

We can't stay with friends because every single stateside friend we have with a spare room also has a cat--and I have an anaphylactic allergic reaction to cats, meaning that I will literally die if I'm around a cat for too long. I've had to go to the ER because I slept in a room that had a blanket in the corner that a cat had momentarily lain on. The only way I can be around cats is if I'm on massive doses of immunosuppressive drugs, which, well... The whole issue here is that I keep getting deathly ill, so suppressing my immune system even more is a non-starter. Oh, and Fel D 1, the protein secreted in cat dander, saliva, and waste, can stay even on hard surface for up to two years, and even longer on porous surfaces.

Again, if we weren't still in so much debt from El's birth certificate debacle, we might be able to do this at least mostly on our own. But as things stand, we can't do it on our own. We need your help.

If you read all of this, thank you very much. And again, if you can't give, please reblog.

For more medical details, check my Rob Gets Medical tag. For more details about Eleanor's birth certificate saga, check my Baby El tag.

[hyperbali]

This is probably going to be a long one, so under a cut it goes.

Where the hell have I been?

So last I'd been around, the main update was that Ferry and I dually worked as caretakers for an older gentleman, and remote work for a tech company. And we have been really fucking busy.

At the end of last month, the gentleman sadly passed away. We are currently in a little bit of a limbo while his kids figure out what they want to do with the house, but the son who hired us has reassured us that we're good to stay for a few more months regardless of what decision gets made.

Ferry's finally gotten to see some doctors recently, and her back injuries are such that she will likely need some kind of spinal surgery. We don't know what that's going to look like yet, or how we're even going to start planning for it around needing to move... again.

Six days before our caretaking came to a close, I received word that one of my childhood best friends and her entire family were suddenly killed in a freak accident. (Fun week.) I also have to juggle attending the funeral in the midst of all this, but have to go it alone since Ferry can't safely fly economy with her back in the state it's in.

A month before that, I had my IUD taken out after eight years, and have been experiencing what's typically called "Mirena crash" - basically my hormones don't know what to do with themselves at the moment and I'm practically having another puberty, with all the hell of my emotions and the godawful periods I had as a teenager. I was already crying practically every day before the last week of April came in like a hurricane.

As a bonus: we had tickets to see Hozier two weeks ago. That show got postponed to September thanks to the heavy rains we'd gotten that day. I did not know this until we were trying to park. I don't even know if we're still going to be in Texas by then. Lmao.

Good news is that as of last week, I'm finally getting my ADHD medicated! Considering how much more shit I need to take care of now and for the foreseeable future, thank fuck.

I really haven't been drawing much at all, exhausted as I've been - I also have Long Covid on top of all of the above that was exacerbated when we got reinfected last September, so it's really easy to get me sick in general. I'm pretty much either working or resting.

Shit's been wild. We're a bit steadier than before, and we thankfully have more resources to draw from than the previous times we've had to go through sudden upheaval, but... lmao. When it rains, it pours, etc.

So... yeah! Hope you guys have been doing well.

[woman-respecter]

Yo im super curious now who is that ex bestfriend that u mention on the taggs sometimes? Give us some ☕️

LMAO u have no idea how long i’ve been waiting for someone to ask me this. warning this is long and tells like. the entire story of our friendship which is probably more than u asked for haha

i’ll give the TL;DR here and the full story uner the cut

TL;DR: we were best friends for about 3 years, she found out i had feelings for her, and, though she promised she would stay friends with me, ended up completely abandoning me, refusing to ever speak to me again.

ok so exbestfriend (i’ll call her R) and i became friends in my very first class of freshman year of college. we really hit it off and had like completely compatible ADHD wavelengths. i wouldn’t say we were inseprable that year bc i had other friends we spent more time with but her and I, along with another girl from our class (who was kinda insane. i’ll call her G) would spend a lot of time together. sophmore year R and i got closer and started spending a lot more time together. she was kinda my best friend at that point but also didn’t go to the play that i starred in and worked really hard on which was a minor thing but something i still remember. second semester sophomore year we got a lot closer and spent a lot more time together, often without G. middle of the semester i realized i was in love with R (i remember the exact date actually. feb 28 2020.) but youse know how 2020 was, we got sent home for covid.

during the pandemic i took a gap year and R did zoom college but she and i stayed very close in touch, facetiming and texting all the time. we even sent *handwritted letters* to eachother which i still have. in fact she was the *only* person from college who kept in touch with me then. she usually seemed too busy but tried to make time for me. during this time i fell more in love with her.

first semester my junior, R’s senior year was mostly a really good time for me (until the end which we will get to.) we were finally able to see eachother in person after over a year. G wasn’t there to third wheel because she was studying abroad. and R and i became inseparable, even deciding to take a class together (economics, which i loved and R hated). we also became part of a larger friend group which was great for me because i never had that, but still were closer with eachother than the rest of the group. we spent as much time together as possible and saw eachother almost every day. i will admit i was a little to clingy to her at times but she didn’t seem to mind. during this time she was very affectionate and caring towards me. she even did little things that made me think she may have returned my feelings like holding my hand. the other girls in our friend group seemed to believe that R may have liked me as well.

and here’s the part you’ve all been waiting for IF YOU ARE HERE FOR THE BREAKUP START READING HERE: for hanukkah i knitted her a pair of mittens, which i gave her along with a letter borderline confessing my feelings to her. after reading the letter she called me, told me she didn’t return my feelings and that in fact she now felt uncomfortable with me hugging her or telling her i loved her (as a friend) but said she would still would remain friends with me no matter what. the next day we had a convo over text where she said some pretty hurtful things which caused me to kind of act out the next time i saw her at a get together with the rest of our friends. the last time i saw her in person that semester (or, spoiler alert, ever) was when i had to beg her to drive me to the airport to go home for the semester because i could not get an uber but she only did so begrudingly (even tho before my confession of love she had planned to take me to the airport that day)

during winter break i tried reaching out to her to talk things out but she said we didn’t need to. i tried to text her about the game we both played (genshin impact haha) but she would never respond. when we got back to school i kept trying to get her to hang out with our friend group but she always said she had something going on or straight up not responding. she didn’t text me on my birthday either. eventually at the end of february, i think my other friend (who is currently my only remaining friend from that group fun fact) contacted her and told R how bad i was doing because of her absence (oh yeah i forgot to mention, i became suicidally depressed from R’s absence) so R called me and while we argued about a bunch of stuff and she was somewhat homophobic towards me (she said she was more comfortable being friends with G because G was straight) she eventually told me that yes we could be friends again she just needed more time. which i guess i was ok with but it did not stop me from being suicidally depressed.

a month later i reach out to R like hey i really miss being friends could you let me know when you want to be friends again. a WEEK after me sending that text she responds and tells me she doesn’t want to be friends ever again and says some more hurtful shit. that’s the last i’ve heard from her. i almost offed myself at this.

rest of that semester goes badly, my depression gets worse and worse to the point that i lose the rest of my friends except for one (who happens to share a name with R, a sick coincidence) because they can’t deal with it. also R blocks me on instagram and genshin impact.

my depression is a bit better now, it was super treatment resistant so i changed meds a few times. but i’m still not fully recovered from this and i never will be. all i want in life is to have her back. there is an R shaped hole in me that will never and can never be filled. i’m not sure if i’m capable of ever loving again.

so yeahhh thats it. if u read this whole thing ur insane but i love u 💖

[creature-wizard]

Hey Friend, hope you're well.

So, you got a better rundown of everything than I do so I wanted to hear your thoughts on the Profundity Yours cult. I found out about it from a Papa Meat short, from what I've seen, it kinda seems very horribly Lighthouse Summit type deal... Gives me the ick.

Thanks in advance,

Bottle

So I've never heard of Profundity Yours before, so I checked out the YouTube channel.

First I checked out their first video, "Candle Work by Linda Good McGillis."

It wasn't long before the video started dropping pseudoscience (the stuff about most of us supposedly not using all of our brains and brain laterality) . Then it went into some some New Age conspiracy theory stuff (talking about "the Matrix" and all that). Then the video basically says that the reason most of us can't meditate for thirty minutes is because we're lazy and undisciplined. And IDK, maybe it's my trauma as a 90's kid with undiagnosed ADHD talking, but when anyone starts talking about discipline like that, it makes my skin crawl.

Next I clicked "Linda Good McGillis 05-11-2021". In this video, she starts talking about what's basically your typical New Age ascension type stuff, including alleged ascension symptoms and a supposed imminent upgrade to a crystalline/silicon body. For anyone who doesn't already know, the whole concept of "ascension symptoms" is pure nonsense. The alleged symptoms range from stuff that's probably caused by stress to stuff you should probably see a doctor about right away. People have been on about ascension symptoms since at least the late 2000s, and not a single person has ever upgraded to a superhuman crystalline body.

She claims that people experiencing these upgrades will soon find that food has no taste, because the light body doesn't require food. This video being filmed in 2021, I think it's more likely that she or her audience were actually experiencing COVID. She makes a bunch of other weird claims, like that bloating is caused by your body holding onto too much light.

Next I clicked "The road to freedom - 05102021", and oh boy was this one full of red flags. It's not worrying just because she started talking about starseeds, Anunnaki, and galactic civilizations, but also because it's obvious that she's responding to criticism against some seriously concerning behaviors. People have apparently been calling her dark, draconian, evil, false light, and she's basically responding by claiming that if you judge someone by their personality and character, you're blinding yourself to seeing their soul, and you aren't ready for a "galactic, angelic civilization." She claims, "this is what has cause hurt in this world, you don't see through your heart, you see through your beliefs." She claims that people who abuse you are "playing a role for you" and are "very benevolent."

So yeah, I watched literally just three videos and all of them are full of New Age woo and red flags.

[mylifeasaserver]

The Crash

Few things will ruin your day faster than the computers at work going down.

I couldn't fill prescriptions. I couldn't process (or even see) new prescriptions. And because we couldn't even see them, we couldn't transfer to another pharmacy.

I couldn't even sell existing prescriptions, because even if the copay was $0, I generally can't locate them in amongst the hundreds of other ready scripts I have waiting. And if they're controlled meds I can't process the required ID so no dice there either. **Author's note I put generally in italics like that in case that one Tumblr user who doesn't understand what generally means happens to read this. I now return you to your poorly-written blog post.**

For 5 goddamn hours the computers were dead. Customers were decent about it - even the ones getting their ADHD stuff.

One lady was stressed because she was picking up an antibiotic for her kid (you know, the bubblegum flavored stuff that you keep in the fridge) and we couldn't process it. That one we dug out of the pickup pile, but since we couldn't charge her for it I sent her off and told her she can pay next time she's in. I really don't give a shit if she does or not. Yes, I told my manager what I was doing after I did it. No, he didn't seem worried about it.

Another guy showed up for a kid antibiotic, and again we sent him off without paying. This time with manager approval!

Then there was the elderly lady who didn't seem to understand that we were essentially dead in the water. Once we explained it to her 9 times she seemed to get it. She was then worried we'd put her medications back on the shelf before she got back. I took her name and told her that as long as she picks up by Saturday we'll hold them. That worked for her, thankfully enough.

It was a long 5 hours. Nothing we could do.

One guy came in for a covid shot was pretty butthurt we couldn't do it, but he finally got the message.

It was kinda nice though, not having anything to do for a few hours. Still, there'll be hell to pay for it tomorrow. -J

[1000roughdrafts]

Happy Valentine's Day!

Hi everyone :) I have missed you all so much! I have been kicking myself these last two years for being gone for so long. Not only did I feel like I was letting y'all down, I felt like I was letting myself down. Writing is my biggest passion, and I felt like I abandoned it, and you. For context, before I left, I had Covid pretty bad, and am now suffering from long-term effects with my health because of it (that are thankfully more under control now). After having Covid I left a toxic relationship to unwittingly enter another, even more toxic and controlling relationship (whew is that a story!) and I learned that I have ADHD! (How fun is that!)

Anyway, to everyone that's still following me,

No seriously, thank you for sticking around!!

I have been working on some stuff for the last few months that I am so excited to share with y'all!

A few hours after this post will be a little Valentine's Day fluff fic to come out. Then in the coming weeks, I have a song inspired DeanxReader fic to be coming out labeled If You're Gonna Lie, and the following requests (under the read more with snippets of the fic) ready right now, to be queued. The requests will be coming out first, and then my own idea fics.

If you're interested in updating the tag list (whether that is adding your url, removing it or checking for accuracy) click here :) Next fic to be posted February 28th so if you want to update the tag list, be sure to do so before then :)

"Yes! Why does everyone keep asking me if I'm okay!" she growls, "first my dad, then John, now you!" She throws her hand onto her stomach to try to push away the pain. Sam is taken aback by this, and that's when he notices that her hand is held tightly on her stomach. Suddenly, it all makes sense. Sam is confident that this isn't Y/N, that Y/N is in there somewhere, fighting to be free from whatever demon is possessing her.

I hear my name in Dean's voice from a distance, but I'm surrounded by total darkness. I try so hard with all of my might to tell him I'm here, that it's okay, but the words don't come. Just as it takes all of my strength to open my eyes, but they burn. Everything burns. I don't even try to suppress the scream that bellows out of me. Taking as deep of a breath as I can, I'm scared for myself when it sounds and feels like I'm breathing a water and air mixture. "What's happening?" I manage to say, but Dean puts a finger to my lips. "No, no," he soothes, "no, just don't talk. It's okay," he says so gently, and as he maneuvers me into his lap I cry out in agonizing pain. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he says, then his voice switches into a shaky, fear filled yell for Castiel that hurts my heart almost as much as my wound hurts.

Y/N always felt like she had big shoes to fill, being third born after two boys. She never really formed a bond with John like the eldest Winchester had, despite her best efforts to impress the man. Her next role model was Dean, who became more of a father to her than John ever could be.  Up until her eleventh birthday Dean did her hair into pigtails, partly because he didn’t know how to do any other hair style, but mostly because he thought it was the cutest on her. He’d pack her and Sam’s lunch with snacks he’d bought from vending machines and even pretend to take her on hunts because he knew how eager she was to be just like him.  When she wasn’t learning about monsters and guns with Dean, she was spending her time with Sam. He’d help her with her homework, or play board and card games. They had as much in common as Y/N and Dean, neither Sam nor Y/N got along with John, and neither really knew their mothers. 

Speaking of requests, I'll leave them open for now but I can't promise all will be fulfilled as I try to get my groove. My schedule as I get back into things, I think, will be one fic every other week.

I also updated my master lists and will be posting them later today, to then put them all in one master master list lol

Thank you all for still being here and I hope you like what will be coming out soon :)

Current PermaTags @waywardblueshun @81mysteriouslyme @drakelover78 @soab1967 @shutupandfeedmethings @pollywantacracker666 @sonnierae26 @obsessed5sosfreak @tlovescoffee @hobby27 @cluz1babe @emptycanvasposts @suckmyapplejacks @sigrunsavestheday @flamencodiva

Dean @akshi8278 @squirrelnotsam @laxe-from-outer-space @ellewritesfix05 @cluz1babe @lyarr24 @mrspeacem1nusone @idksupernaturl @fandom-princess-forevermore @stoneyygirl

Sam @fangirlxwritesx67 @tlovescoffee @immafangirlmess @sizekinkshawty

[tw1st0fcain]

MASSIVE CW: Vent, suicide mentioned, Drug and alcohol addiction, Caffiene addiction, Accidental Overdose, child abuse mentioned, mental health neglect, medical malpractice, mental hospitalization, police brutality, prison mentioned, AND THIS IS A VERY POLITICAL POST (FAR LEFTISM (I am a anarchocommunist)) PLEASE ASK ME TO ADD MORE CW IF NEEDED,

It really bothers me how I will never relate to or feel nostalgic to late 2000s to early 2010s post about elementary school.. I see picture of the inside of buses, school activities, and all of that, I can’t relate to any of it.. I didn’t go to elementary school and I only did 2 months of 7th grade and 1 week as a freshman and 1 fucking day as a sophomore, the rest of my schooling was at alternative schools that sucked and homeschooling which I can’t remember most of it cause at the time I was still actively being abused, I see my three youngest siblings and how they are still in school, how they got to learn and have friends, and I have none of that.. my two older siblings also have been to and completed high school, I have nothing.. I was too autistic and weird and mentally Ill to have done anything, I had been hospitalized twice and fucking spent my whole summer of 2018 (my last year in my home state) in a fucking residential program that said they were duel diagnosis BUT THEY ONLY FOCUSED ON THE KIDS THERE THAT HAD DRUG AND ALCHOL ADDICTIONS AND THEY COMPLETELY IGNORED MY CAFFEINE ADDICTION AND DOWNPLAYED IT SO MUCH THAT I GAVE UP ON QUITING they had FORCED me go to NA, MA, and AA meetings WHEN I DIDNT HAVE TO GO and they ignored my mental health, I LITERALLY HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING WITH SCHIZOAFFECTIVE DISORDER SINCE I WAS FUCKING 4 YEARS OLD AND IT TOOK 17 FUCKING YEARS TO GET A DIAGNOSIS CAUSE NO ONE WANTED TO DIAGNOSE A CHILD AND CAUSE OF THAT I WASNT ON ANTIPSYCHOTICS INTIL I WAS FUCKING 18!!!!! I WAS IN CONSTANT PSYCHOSIS AND I WAS PARANOID ALL THE FUCKING TIME AND I COULDNT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!! AND MY AUTISM AND ADHD WERE NEGLECTED CAUSE MY PARENT WERE TOO FOCUSED ON MY MENTAL ILLNESS AND MY TWO BROTHERS WHO WERE DIAGNOSED WITH AUTISM EARLY ON!!! I WAS DIAGNOSED AT 12 AND THEY DIDNT TELL ME INTIL I WAS 15!!!! I WAS CONSTANTLY DRINKING ENERGY DRINKS SO MANY IN A FUCKING DAY THAT I FUCKING OVERDOSED AND WAS UP FOR 3 WHOLE FUCKING DAYS AND MY MOM STILL DIDNT TAKE ME TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL AND I WAS DOING ALL THAT TO SELF MEDICATE MY ADHD AND I DIDNT GET PUT ONTO STIMULENTS INTIL I WAS 18 AND THEN MY PSYCH TOOK ME OFF CAUSE I DIDNT DO WHAT SHE TOLD ME TO AND I SPENT MONTHS TRYING TO GET A NEW PSYCHIATRIST AND WHEN I DID SHE PUT ME BACK ON THEM WITH NO STIPULATIONS CAUSE ITS FUCKED UP TO DO THAT!!!!AND I MISSED THE LAST 4 APPOINTMENTS WITH HER CAUSE THEY ARE ONLINE ONLY APPOINTMENTS AND I HAVE MEMORY FUCKNG ISSUES CAUSE OF LONG FUCKING COVID SO NOW IVE RUN OUT OF MY FUCKING RITALIN AND I HAVE TO SELF MEDICATE WITH ENERGY DRINKS TO FUNCTION PROPERLY BUT I HAVE A FUCKING HEART CONDITION AND SO NOW MY HEART RATE IS HIGHER THAN AVERAGE (USUALLY ITS 100 AND NOW ITS BEEN AROUND 150) CAUSE I DONT HAVE PROPER STIMULENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK THE MENTAL AND MEDICAL HEALTH CARE SYSTEM IN THE FUCKING UNITED STATES OF FASCISM CAUSE NOW I HAVE FUCKED UP TEETH AND CAUSE I CANT GET THEM FUCKING FIXEX CAUSD I DONT HAVE FUCKING DENTAL INSURANCE CAUSE MY STATE INSURANCE DOSENT COVER DENTAL OR OPTICAL AND GUESS WHAT? BLINDNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY AND MY VISION HAS BEEN SLOWLY DETERIORATING AND I JUST HAD TO PAY 80$ FUCKING DOLLARS TO SEE AN OPTRISTION AND I ONLY RECEIVED 628$ A MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK THE SYSTEM FUCK CAPITALISM FUCK CHRISTOFASCISM FUCK THE GOVERNMENT FUCK COPS FUCK THE PRISON INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX FUCK THE MILITARY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX FUCK IT ALL

I AM FULL OF SO MUCH FUCKING RAGE I SWEAR I COULD TAKE ON THE WHOLE POLICE FORCE HERE BUT I KNOW I CANT AND THAT IT JUST BE POLICE ASSISTED SUICIDE!!!!!!!

[vicekillx]

UPDATE: 2024

Usually I make these kinds of post around New Years, but this year I didn't really have anything to say. But now we're a month in and I definitely do.

I feel…different, this year. In a good way, I think. I feel like I'm tired of being complacent and riding coattails. This month has been a whirlwind of getting my shit in line. So far I:

handled two serious family crises smoothly and picked myself back up quickly from both

called my health insurance (phone calls have historically been an hours-long meltdown-inducing debacle for me) twice to switch my PCP because the previous one was consistently booked 3-6 months out and she just forgot to mention the inhaler I pulled out of my bag to show her at my first appointment so I couldn't get a refill on it or my nebulizer when I had COVID; that's been getting put off since August of last year

made an appointment with said new PCP for Feb 1, and I'm hoping they'll be able to refer me to a dentist and optometrist because I desperately need both

got back into therapy with an autism/ADHD specialist who can help me manage those specifically after my previous therapist didn't understand why I couldn't just Do It™; also have assessments lined up for both to get diagnoses

pay more attention to my health in general, including diet and exercise. I'm already down about 10 lb

restructured my planner to include a mood tracker and sleep tracker, and have been better about staying on top of it

got Trello up and running and so far it's working really well for me

have been doing my house chores more consistently, namely cleaning litter boxes and taking care of my snakes and tarantulas (roommates have been picking up my slack but they shouldn't have to, they're my animals)

am able to work more consistently on my designated work days; before it was a lot of chipping away and putting things off rather than sitting down and making actually decent progress

am finally starting a tattoo sleeve I've wanted for a very, very long time as a belated birthday gift to myself

am consistently filling stream sketch slots, which means I can actually make money and pay my bills on-time (and a huge, huge thank you to everyone who signs up, I'm pretty sure this is the primary reason I've been able to pull myself out of the hole. Financial stability is a hell of a drug)

This year I wanna try really hard to keep the train moving along this track. If things keep going the way they are, I could potentially make some pretty big changes in the not so distant future. Some things I'm brainstorming:

UnholyFans

merch other than stickers (seriously I have so many designs in mind, I just haven't had the drive to work on them or the upfront capital to order inventory)

more monster/demon adoptables

I would really like to collab with some other artists, it's been too fuckin long

website restructure

picking up my side business (I did literally zero pieces for it last year oof), ideally with a rebrand

get back into conventions and try some new crowds: reptile/exotic expos, tattoo conventions, oddities expos, sex conventions, BDSM groups…

push the stream setup to be more professional

rekindling the spark for my personal stories and headworld projects

more I have written down somewhere but can't think of off the top of my head

And to be clear, I'm optimistic, but also a realist. I know from experience that shit changes and I could hit a massive depressive slump in a month or two and be back to where I was for most of last year. I'm still not going to promise anything I'm not confident I can deliver. However, that doesn't mean I shouldn't try.

I already got sidetracked with this post, so I'm gonna make a second to get to my original point and I'll come back and add a link to this one when I do. But suffice to say I want to try - again - to breathe some kind of life back into my SubscribeStar. I have some ideas in mind, but I want to hear yall's opinions on it too.

Watch this space ♥

[brosser-les-dents]

Seeing the dentist

I wanted to do a little post about seeing the dentist. I know a lot of people absolutely dread the dentist, so maybe we can have a conversation about it.

For many, they absolutely dread it because they're going to be told they're not doing a good enough job brushing and flossing and are made to feel bad. The obvious thing is, if you start getting regular brushing and flossing in, that will obviously help that situation. BUT, if you're having difficulty brushing and flossing due to literally so many things, like, but not limited to, autism bad feels, depression, executive dysfunction, ADHD boredom, overall horror at dealing with your mouth, etc, tell your dentist/hygienist.

I have found in the last 10 years, the dental profession has really changed. Open up conversation with them about why you may find it so difficult to do this thing you need to be doing everyday, but are not managing for any number of reasons. Good dental professionals will want to work with you to find something that works. If your dentist or whatever is an absolute horror about it, do your best to find someone else. You are absolutely, in no way obligated to go back to see them. You owe them nothing. Find someone better. Find someone who is respectful, who cares, and who will do their best to work with you for your oral health. The thing is, soooo many things now in dental care is about prevention. Having to deal with something after the fact is so difficult, but if they can help you prevent issues, it is super helpful for everyone.

Do your best to see and treat your dentist as a partner in your oral health instead of an adversary. They don't want to make the whole thing hard. So talk to them about how you want to do better, but find it difficult and welcome them into a partnership and collaboration. Think of it like a project you're both trying to do a good job on. But once again, that's only if your dentist is someone who is willing to work with you. If they are not, find a better oral health project partner.

The next thing is, if you are not in a place to be able to afford a dentist, call the office, ask if they have any sort of system where they are able to provide lower cost care. Or if they know of any charities or programs that can help pay for the cost of care. It does not hurt to ask, the worst they can say is sorry I don't know, or sorry we can't do that. Then you just move on. Try someone else. I got coverage for dental care through my university, see if that's a possibility, if you're in school. When I lost dental coverage when I was laid off during COVID, my dental hygienist literally just gave me parts of my cleaning for free because she knew I couldn't afford the whole amount. So she would give me a unit of scaling for free while doing 3 units of scaling. She also snuck me polish to take home so I could use the polish at home to keep up stain removal. So please, talk to your dental offices if you are in financial difficulty. I know sometimes it hurts to have to ask, but the worst they can say is no. Also, you know why Karens get all the things? They have 0 shame about asking for it. I've learned that a lot of times you get a leg up in life because you were completely shameless about just asking. If you're not a asshat, people love to help where they can.

I will probably do a part 2 of seeing the dentist, because this has gotten very long. Lol.

[moonygryffin]

I just read about the Lyme disease. I knew that tick bites were bad, but not that bad! I saw many ticks in my village, but I never got bitten luckily. I hope you recover from this disease. Take care of yourself!

Thanks for your words and sorry if you don’t want a long explanation of Lyme disease, but I really like talking about it/my experience with it to help spread awareness! So uh, stop here if you don’t wanna read all that lol

Lyme is actually one of the least bad tick-borne diseases, in my opinion! Which is why ticks are so scary to me. They’re very important to the ecosystem, I would never wish them to be eradicated, but I do hate them and don’t want them anywhere near me lol

There’s basically two versions of Lyme. If your doctor catches it early and you don’t have other major health issues, it can be cured relatively easily with a month or so of strong antibiotics. A lot of people barely have any symptoms at all when its caught this early, usually just muscle and/or joint pain, some fatigue, maybe a fever. My mom actually got bit and caught Lyme somewhat recently and, even tho her immune system is still not 100% from her chemotherapy a few years ago, she completely recovered with only some mild fatigue that went away during treatment. One thing of note is that Lyme’s famous “bull’s eye rash” is not nearly as common as people say it is. You can absolutely still have Lyme disease even if you never developed the distinctive rash. I didn’t, my mom didn’t, and my doctor (who has had Lyme multiple times) has only had it once.

The other ‘version’ of Lyme is way more painful, dangerous, and stubborn. Basically, if your Lyme isn’t caught fast enough, not only can you develop way more symptoms, but it becomes much harder to cure. When I was finally getting diagnosed, I was given this huge like 10 page packet of some of (not all) the symptoms of Lyme disease. It’s very similar to the early days of Covid when it could seemingly cause thousands of different health issues. The most common are still joint and muscle pain, major fatigue, and other flu-like symptoms, but it can also cause sudden hair loss, random numb patches around your spine, burning skin, etc. I had to go to a specific psychologist to get diagnosed with autism, adhd, and ocd because Lyme can mimic adhd lol. Hell, IT GAVE ME OCD! Very crazy stuff. I’ve also heard it can induce way more deadly stuff with certain organs but I won’t go into depth with that here in case anyone has triggers related to that sort of thing.

I’ve gone way further into this than I planned but I think it’s important to put out there because Lyme is really not a well known or understood by both the public OR doctors, in my experience at least. I caught Lyme when I was around 7-ish? I was sick so often throughout elementary and middle school that I’ve been to basically ever doctor in the area and almost every time they said I just had some virus and that was it. It was only during high school, about 8 years later, that I finally went to a doctor (my current one) that even knew enough about Lyme disease to test me. And the only reason he knew was because he’d had it himself! The Lyme was deeply in my central nervous system that it took years of very large, very bad tasting antibiotics to cure. And, as I learned 2(?) years ago now, it’s made a resurgence. And I consider myself lucky because I truly believe if I didn’t get diagnosed for it when I did, I’d be dead by now with how it was attacking my cns

So, yeah, I think it’s important for people to learn at least the basics of Lyme disease just in case because it’s a very annoying and sometimes deadly disease that, at least in my experience, not many doctors actually know anything about

Also fun fact: Ötzi the Iceman, one of the oldest mummies in the world, had Lyme disease!

[furiousgoldfish]

Hii. Honestly I’m still confused whether I experienced abuse or not or what it was or even how bad it even was.

Basically, I’ve been homeschooled my whole life (well, until I was 10, when it became unschool, and most of my education knowledge that isn’t words and random stuff I’ve learned is still there, especially math.), never had a job nor probably ever will because I’m disabled, probably have ADHD+autism and definitely have depression+ocd, and the last physical friend I had was probably when I was about 12 or so (I’m 18 now). We live in an rv in a super small town and have been since I was 12 or 13ish. And I have an older brother. Honestly I feel kinda isolated, and even if something bad happened, I wouldn’t have anywhere to go.

Anyways, when I was around 9 or 10 or so apparently I started to get burnt out, and that turned into really bad depression when my grandparents died (and so did a bunch of other extended family members before them). My mom had to be a caretaker for my grandfather for nearly a whole year and my dad stayed home with me and my brother but all I remember during that time is escapism, binging for comfort, and my dad playing video games all day. Also one time I threw a notebook at a doctor because I was so overwhelmed and wasn’t getting any help.

Around 14 to 15, I was a real menace, constantly fighting everyone and stuff. This led to quite a few instances where I’d get into an argument with my mom and she would hit me or threaten to hit me. I remember one time I refused to get off my couch because I wanted to know why they were wanting me off and they ended up physically dragging me off the bed and hitting me. Another bed time, I was making my bed (which was rare for me to manage to get myself to do) but my dad stepped on my pillow with his shoes after coming inside and I got upset because it got stepped on and was probably dirty now but kept my upsetness to stomping. But then I got into an argument with my mom (and hissed at my dad) and it escalated until she hit me (apparently out of disappointment). Also she took away most of my bedding, and then after that on a day we went to the store (so I was gone all day) and she made a comment about me not bothering to do my bed, despite the fact I wasn’t even home to do it, the last time I attempted she hit me, and I barely had much of a bed to make (two pillows, one blanket, and my stuffie)

I also remember one time my dog tried to protect me and she threatened to get rid of my dog. As well as a time when she told me I could leave (with what money or place to go? I was literally in a city I’d barely seen because we moved there to be in an rv park, I had no job, no family or friends nearby to go to). I also came out as nonbinary (I’m a trans man now) and they were pretty transphobic at first, though my mom eventually educated herself and isn’t anymore.

And one time I got worried about a mask I was wearing during covid era being dirty and my mom telling me I should’ve stayed home (also they hated the mask mandated and I’m pretty sure at least mentally rolled their eyes when I chose to wear my mask even when they didn’t whenever it wasn’t mandated). There was also a time I spoke a bit too fast (I have a habit of fast talking sometimes) and my dad said I will not speak that way in his presence and I think also threatened to spank me.

Nowadays the worst that’s happened is my mom yelled at me for asking too many times whether the door was locked or not (it was broken and I couldn’t understand if it was locked locked or just in the locked position), my dad spends most of the day outside in our truck and every time I attempt to talk with him it usually ends up not good. I tried to show him music, he ended up playing his nearly an hour long of music in the middle of the ONE song I attempted to show him (never finished my song to this day), tried to talk about him not using my pronouns and it ended with him going off about politics and saying a few slurs and me needing to wipe myself clean because our shower isn’t available and I smelt like smoke. Tried to talk about him using his phone at the theaters because I wanted to take him with me and my mom to see a movie and it ended with me leaving him behind so that we could actually enjoy the movie. Tried to show him (very cute but a few crop tops) clothes I wanted to get and ended with him talking about being a peeping Tom as a teen and me feeling like my clothes were sexualed and uncomfortable in my own skin.

Also recently my brother poked my leg to get my attention and then after I told him not to (because he’d just come in from outside and my OCD has been horrible recently so i was a little convinced his touch was contaminated and was trying really hard to not get up and douse the spot in antiseptic) he did it again and I ended up hitting him with my tablet (I will admit I already attempted once before then, and he later said it didn’t even hurt when I managed to hit him) and then he used his fists on me and I ended up curled up on my bed screaming and crying because it hurt (and he bent my glasses). When my mom woke up and came over to see what was happening I curled up again and asked her not to hit me (because one time years ago me and my brother got into a bit of a physical scuffle and she hit me when she woke up and came to see what happened). My arm still hurts, but I’m thankful I covered my head because otherwise I’m worried I would’ve gotten a concussion or something. I’m pretty sure I was 100% definitely in the wrong and the abusive one in this situation here. It was really weird because afterwards I didn’t want to be touched (not even virtually) and then when I wanted to be touched again (the only option was virtually by a friend) it made me anxious and unsure.

When I bring it all up to my mom, she says she did her best and made mistakes, but didn’t abuse me. She said she’s seen what real abuse is and I would’ve left. Also when she found out I told a friend about things, and my friend said it wasn’t good, she said I was choosing to make them look bad. Also anytime I bring up issues about my dad (like him feeling like a stranger), she says he’s always been this way (he’s schizotypal) or that I must’ve forgotten when he was involved (which no duh, I barely remember my childhood)

It was abuse. I am so sorry. This sounds absolutely awful. The amount of neglect and violence you were enduring, and how scared you were of it.

Your mother's response is the exact response of abusive parents. My parents also told me that 'they know what real abuse is', and that I'm 'making them look bad if I ever say anything to anyone'. And the way she defends your father, it's all just excuses, you are right to be upset and to point it out.

You were dealing with so much, right from the start, so many struggles to go through, and with all this you were isolated, in a strange place with nowhere else to go. All your issues have been either completely neglected or made worse by your closest family members, and the violence you describe is devastating.

Nobody should have ever hit you. A child who is overwhelmed with sensory issues, OCD, and struggles with depression and ADHD, is not a menace. Adults can deal with children who get aggressive without violence, it's not hard to disarm a child or to get distance, they're literally smaller and weaker and not an actual threat. There is never any need to completely control them or to threaten violence. It sounds like the way they did it was so devastating for you, you ended up absolutely terrified of when they would hit you again. You lived with that fear all along and when your brother hit you so bad that he bent your glasses and hurt you so much, your first thought was fear that your mother would hit you again too.

You were in your house, surrounded by your closest family members, and you were terrified out of your mind of what they were going to do to you. You should have been in the safest place in the world. You should have been loved, cared and safe there. There was no more terrifying place for you than that rv.

You couldn't have left either, your mother knows that.

All of them should have made sure to accommodate your ocd and to not make it worse. They should have helped you manage all of the issues, and be mindful of your depression. Nobody should have even thought of hitting you, threatening you or acting like your pain doesn't matter. I'm so sorry that you've been so alone in this. It is awful what you've been put through.

I hope things get better, and that you get more kindness, gentleness and compassion in your life. You deserve to live comfortably, with no fear or shame. You've done nothing to deserve any of that.

Also I'm astounded they managed to completely neglect your right to education! I don't know where you live but it sounds illegal, you had the right to be completely educated, regardless of disability or issues, you still have the right to it, and if you can, I hope you will pursue it, because it's never too late to find out basic information, and it will help you navigate the world. I don't know what the procedure is to pursue education after this kind of neglect but I know there has to be a way. If anyone knows more about this, please write it in the replies or comments.