#i like applying myself! i like learning new things! i like challenges and puzzles and things that require work to understand!

[agueforts]

yet another stream of consciousness post about how i'm doing nothing with my life and it #sux or whatever

[romainlettusdinnerparty]

I get so happy when more people see the car guy mike vision! I saw you said you love cars, so I'm curious do you have any thoughts about what you think mike being a car guy means for him/what he likes?

I know for me I love the headcanon but it came naturally from that leadership aspect of him, and I think it suits him to be a main driver amongst the party. plus I think he'd like the responsibility. and I go a bit more into this in a fic I'm working on, but I also like to think he enjoys fixing up his car and finds it a nice challenge/puzzle for his brain! but the actual technical or detailed parts of the headcanon I haven't researched and explored yet because I'm not well versed on cars myself 🙈

hiii omg thank you so much for asking me about this i am about to bombard you with so many thoughts brace yourself

ok im gonna be so fr when i say i love cars i mostly just mean i love driving,, i am not super well versed in the actual technical aspects of cars myself either😭 buttt i do absolutely have thoughts about mike and driving and super agree with what you said especially about leadership and responsibility. i think mike Needs to be the one everyone turns to drive them places like he wants that to be his Thing (also him needing to be needed popping up there👀),, now max has also obv expressed interest in that but with her ending up disabled she might be less able to do that especially with the accommodations available at the time and even if she could drive it would be a longer process so i like to imagine mike kinda teaches her the ways of the road and they bond, and similar to how he doesn’t walk on eggshells with will he treats max so normal (hostile lmao) which is probably super refreshing for her with being disabled!! orrr that dynamic could even be reversed like if max is unable to drive but she so Wants to be that for the party, she kinda teaches mike that as a way to live vicariously through him? idk i just love max’s thing with cars and mike is such a car guy its insane. I think its also safe to say he’s very precious about his car like not a single crumb of food will get on his seats if he has anything to say about it. this obviously does not apply to will who can do absolutely no wrong but,, because will can see how much mike cares about his car he helps enforce his little rules with the rest of the party when they don’t take them seriously and mike gets lowkey upset with them about it. i love the idea that mike is the first to get his license so he’s kinda designated driver by default for a little while and ends up spending a ton of one on one time with everyone because of that. one of those people obviously being will, and i think between joyce working so much and jonathan going off to college and them definitely not being able to afford another car (and like love too),, will ends up abusing that aspect the most even before they get together. and while will is doing this cuz he’s like in love and stuff and it makes mike feel all useful, mike does get insecure that will isn’t actually spending time with him cuz he wants to and its just to use him to get around, and then when other people start getting their licenses hes like oh i guess the end of an era will doesn’t Have to just drive with me anymore he won’t need me :( but then obviously he Does and they kiss about it or something

and on the note of the fixing cars and stuff i sooo agree he likes learning new things and being able to fix his car and fix everyone else’s cars. like even after he’s the only one with a license he’s found this other thing to be useful to everyone with. omg also there was this post i saw forever ago about mike fixing up his car while will sits on the hood with his legs crossed drinking a milkshake and the image has fr never left my mind its quintessential passenger princess will and car guy mike to meee. i feel like mike would know so much about cars that it would make him distinctly not cool like he is such a nerd about something that would be considered cool that it circles back around and makes him sooo lame. i do think will would not think its lame tho and it does in fact turn him on when mike talks about his car. maybe mike refers to his car as a “she” and has a name for it and everything and will gets lowkey jealous and has to have car sex with him about it idk 😭

anywho!! thank you sm for asking me about this even though i probably know the exact same amount as you do about cars lmao,, actually so fucking hyped for your fic tho ahhh i love your writing <333

[palomasu]

Final Post.

As the semester comes to a close, I find myself in a whirlwind of emotions. Reflecting back on the beginning of the semester, I am struck by what a transformative journey it has been. I remember coming into the first day not knowing what I would get out of this class, unaware that it would soon become the class I learnt the most from.

Urban Sociology provided a delightful change of pace from my typical Wharton classes. In my business classes, the focus is on learning very specialized information that is very difficult to apply outside of a classroom/firm. Urban sociology opened a door to a more holistic understanding of the world, encouraging me to challenge my typical beliefs and see why things today were the way they were. Every class I left with a new understanding, a new thought, and things I would connect to what I observed in my day-to-day life. I found myself not only absorbing facts but also questioning assumptions, challenging my own perspectives, and engaging in discussions that extended beyond the classroom walls. Urban sociology made me more outspoken, finding every excuse to talk to my family and friends about social issues that I was once quiet about.

The initial uncertainty I felt on the first day transformed into genuine enthusiasm as the weeks unfolded. As I read the prominent works of other sociologists, it was like piecing together a puzzle, each stimulating my mind to think critically about issues about housing, people, poverty etc.

What made the class truly exceptional was Dr Gershberg's enthusiasm, commitment and welcoming personality. In a matter of days he became a mentor, cultivating a sense of intellectual curiosity in me and others. I loved listening to him communicate the subject matter eloquently and make the class into something to look forward as each week went by.

As I navigate my academic journey, I carry the lessons from this transformative semester as a reminder that a well-rounded education is not just about specialization but about embracing diverse perspectives and disciplines. In bidding farewell to this class, I find myself grateful for the unexpected journey it unfolded. The whirlwind of emotions as the semester closes is a testament to the profound impact it has had on my intellectual growth and the expansion of my worldview. As I move forward, I carry the knowledge gained from urban sociology as a guiding light, illuminating my path toward a more comprehensive and empathetic understanding of the world.

[spacenutspod]

5 min read NASA’s Modern History Makers: Sarah Tipler Sarah Tipler poses in front of a mural of NASA astronaut Michael Anderson in Plattsburgh, New York. Credit: Sarah Tipler Growing up, Sarah Tipler always felt out of place. She had trouble with time management, structuring her day, and focusing her attention, but she didn’t know why. “For all of my undergraduate education, I really struggled to keep up despite understanding the material,” Tipler said. “It took a ton of work to make good grades happen, including asking for extensions and pulling last-minute all-nighters. I used to beat myself up for my apparent lack of self-control.” Tipler enrolled in college after high school but withdrew after facing depression and other mental health challenges. A few years later, she took another stab at school to become a French teacher but found the career wasn’t for her. After realizing studying computer science and engineering fascinated her, she applied for a Pathways internship at NASA’s Glenn Research Center in Cleveland. “At NASA, I knew that I was working on the kinds of projects that are helping advance humanity’s knowledge of the universe and the world we live in,” she said. It wasn’t until transitioning to a full-time computer scientist job at Glenn that she finally got some answers about herself. “At NASA, I was feeling happy, I was in a great place in my life, and I was excited about where I was, but I was still struggling to effectively manage my workload,” she said. “That’s what led me to seek help and obtain a diagnosis of ADHD [attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder], which has really helped me understand a lot of the issues that I’ve had in my life and put a lot of things in a different perspective.” Tipler’s colleagues provided her encouragement and a support system, and she’s now helping NASA take its next giant leap with the Artemis missions. Tipler’s team develops code that models the power systems of the International Space Station, the Orion spacecraft, and the Power and Propulsion Element (PPE) that will help propel Gateway, NASA’s future lunar space station. This SPACE (or system power analysis for capability evaluation) code can predict how much power is generated by solar arrays and determine whether it is sufficient to support important spacecraft systems, like life support and propulsion. For example, throughout Gateway’s journey, the solar arrays that generate power for PPE won’t always be able to face the sun and generate maximum energy. “We need to make sure that when Gateway is using its thrusters, which require a lot of electrical power, we’ll have enough for the rest of the spacecraft,” Tipler explains. Tipler’s team is also developing a graphical user interface that will make it easier for the Flight Operations Directorate at NASA’s Johnson Space Center in Houston to use the code. “It’s an incredible feeling to know that I’m some small part of that giant puzzle,” she said. “It makes all of the challenges and obstacles that I go through feel worth it when I get to sit down and look at things from the big picture.” Learning to navigate ADHD has been a long journey, Tipler says, but her family, friends, fiancé, and five rambunctious cats have been there to cheer her up and encourage her. In addition, being able to work remotely from her home in northern New York has been critical to her success at work. “I have found that teleworking and being fully remote has really helped with my ADHD because my focus isn’t always consistent, so this adds a lot more flexibility into my work life and has helped me be the best productive person I can be,” she said. Ensuring open communication with coworkers and having conversations about expectations has also kept Tipler on the right track, and she has found ways to thrive. “I think there are some really cool, unique perspectives that people living with different disabilities can bring to the workplace in the ways we think differently or work to overcome obstacles or problems,” she said. Often, practices that help people with disabilities can be beneficial to all workers, Tipler says, such as offering written agendas and notes instead of just verbal information or being open to new workplace approaches. “You don’t always need to know what someone is dealing with to make things better for everyone,” she said. Tipler wants people working to overcome their own obstacles to know that they are not alone and to remind others that some disabilities, like ADHD, can seem invisible. “Remember that you never know what someone else is going through,” she said. “The best approach is to operate with kindness.” NASA is in a Golden Era of aeronautics and space exploration. In partnership with commercial and private businesses, NASA is currently making history with significant missions such as Artemis, Quesst, and electrified aviation. The NASA’s Modern History Makers series highlights members of NASA Glenn’s workforce who make these remarkable missions possible. Ellen Bausback NASA’s Glenn Research Center Explore More 4 min read NASA, JAXA Benefit from Collaborative Fellowship Experience Article 3 days ago 4 min read Progress Continues Toward NASA’s Boeing Crew Flight Test to Station Article 3 days ago 3 min read NASA Updates Commercial Crew Planning Manifest Article 3 days ago

[cg29fics]

Pick and Mix Collection

A selection of Little Tracy fics for @gordonthegreatesttracy and @psychoseal

All can be found with other short stories in my Pick & Mix Collection on AO3 & FFNet: CreativeGirl29

School Reports. Aged 8.

Scott Tracy:

Scott is a bright young boy, who is extremely popular with all his classmates. He is always first to put himself forward for team challenges and is a natural team leader. However, Scott tends to be impulsive and rush into an activity or challenge, which on occasions as cost him a higher mark. Scott excels in English, Geography and Physical Education but tends to struggle in maths.

John Tracy:

John is a quiet, introspective and intelligent young man, who excels in Science, Maths, English and Information Technology. John as the potential to go far in life and could be moved up a grade if he was to apply himself to what he once referred to as the ‘boring subjects’ and stop correcting myself and my other colleagues when we are trying to teach.

Virgil Tracy:

Virgil is a lovely, thoughtful boy, who always listens in class, speaks when he is spoken to, and on occasions has gone out of his way to support other classmates when they are struggling. Virgil has a gift for art, music and history. He also recently earned top marks when we taught first-aid in his class. However, I would like to bring to your attention Virgil’s tendency to day dream when he is not taking part in one of his favourite subjects.

Gordon Tracy:

Gordon is a conundrum and seems to have two sides to him. On the one side, you have the sweet boy who will always be there for his friends, excels in physical education, especially swimming and did surprisingly well when we did our big baking day. However, the other side of Gordon has a habit of constantly chatting in class, despite being asked to be quiet and as unfortunately become known as the school clown. If Gordon were to apply himself in all his work instead of drawing pictures of himself as a fish, he could gain good marks in all his classes.

Alan Tracy:

Alan is a smart boy who as always got a smile on his face. When he is interested in a subject, or as been caught by an idea he is an absolute pleasure to teach. However, like his brother before him, he tends to chat in class, and on many occasions, has had his portable computer console confiscated when he has been found playing on it, instead of learning. Alan struggles in History but excels in science and maths. I would also like to bring to your attention Alan’s report on ‘Our Heroes.’ All the children in his class decided to write about a celebrity, sports personality or historical figure. Instead, Alan wrote a fantastic and touching report where he named his older brother John as his hero and who he would most like to be like when he grows up.

5 more fics beneath the cut

**

STAR BOY:

"John you've been told not to run in the house." His father complained, catching his 4-year-old son in his arms.

"I'm not John." John answered with a serious face.

"Oh, you're not?" Jeff remarked, observing the cape John had attempted to make out of his comfort blanket. "Well, I must say, you certainly look like my John!"

"Shush! Daddy." John whispered. No one can know my secret ident…" John paused, thinking about the word he was struggling to say. "Ident…"

Jeff smiled. "Identity."

John grinned. "Yeah, my secret identity."

"So, who are you then?" Jeff inquired curiously.

"I'm Star Boy." John shouted, as he managed to struggle free and started running around in circles.

Jeff let out a chuckle at his son's exuberance. "So, Star Boy. What powers do you have?"

"Fly in space." John cried with joy.

"And what's your current mission Jo… I mean Star Boy?"

John ground himself to a sudden halt. "Find baby Virgie!" He stated with a thoughtful look.

"Virgil." Jeff corrected. "And he's not missing, he's nice and safe in your mummy's tummy."

John stared at his dad in confusion. "But I heard you and mummy say that he was late, and then mummy said if he didn't turn up soon she would…"

"Okay, John." Jeff said cutting John off. He would have to have a word to Lucille about what John had overheard. He knew she would be mortified but John seemed to have exceptional hearing and they both knew that their boy was very bright for his age. Jeff held his arms out for his current youngest son. John happily ran into them, and let himself be pulled up onto his father's lap. "Now, Virgil is still safe in your mummy's tummy, the reason he's late is because your mum has made it so comfortable in there that he doesn't want to leave yet."

"But I want to find him, cause then I'll get to be big brother like Scotty." John frowned.

Jeff pulled John into a warm hug. "And you will be a brilliant big brother just like Scott." He assured him.

As Jeff held John tightly in his arms, a shout from his mother came from in the kitchen, followed by his oldest son running into the room.

"Daddy, Grandma said to tell you mummy's waters broken!" Scott panted.

Jeff pulled himself to his feet, keeping John firmly in one arm, and taking Scott's hand with the other. "Well, my Star Boy." Jeff said, looking at John with pride. "It looks like your mission was successful!"

"It was?" John asked with a puzzled expression.

Jeff beamed as he stood John next to Scott, who automatically took his little brother's hand in his. "Yes, you did!" He added, with a concerned look towards the kitchen as he heard his mother and Lucille call for him once more. "Looks like baby Virgil is on his way!"

Several hours later:

John grinned with joy, as with his mother's help, he held his new baby brother in his arms. "Hey, Virgie." He said softly. "I'm John, your big brother… And my secret is I'm also Star Boy." He whispered. "I helped find you today!" John looked at Virgil who gazed at him with his big eyes. "And my next mission is to be your big brother." He said with a contented sigh.

**

4 little brothers.

12 year old Scott Tracy stretched out in his bed, enjoying the warmth from is duvet on a cold winters night. Yes, this was his time. His time to relax after a full on day spent with 4 hyper younger brothers. His time to bask in the peace and quiet his room provided…

… THUNDERCLAP … the pouring rain began hammering at his window …

Scott sighed, threw back his blanket and began counting "5, 4, 3, 2, 1…"

… THUNDERCLAP … 4 scared little brothers rushed into his room …

"Come on then, jump in."

… THUNDERCLAP… 4 scared little brothers scurried noisily into the bed.

Pulling the blanket over them all Scott smiled when he felt each of them snuggle up to him. 'Forget the peace and quiet,' he thought to himself. He would prefer to have his 4 brothers any day!

**

First Day.

“Don’t want too…” Alan whined, clinging desperately onto his father’s trousers.

“But you have to,” Jeff returned, trying to loosen his son’s grip.

“Why?”

“Because…” Jeff paused, then exhaled, he had no answer for his baby. Honestly, he was out of his depth, normally this was Lucille’s job, but she wasn’t here like she had been for his other boys… He glanced at his four sons standing close by, none of them had wanted to miss this moment, none of them wanted Alan to feel like he was missing out on something, even though they knew that he was. After all, it shouldn’t be them doing this, it should be their mother. They’d all had her here for their first day, but Alan wouldn’t… And even though he hadn’t said anything they could see it in his eyes that he knew he was different from all of the other kids who were being dropped off by their moms.

“Because,” Scott said, stepping forwards, “you will get to make some cool new friends.”

“I will?”

“Yes,” John replied, “and you can play with some neat toys.”

“And when I was here,” Gordon added, “they had some awesome toy dolphins, and a submarine…”

Alan scrunched up his tiny nose.

Gordon grinned. “They also had some cars and toy rockets!”

“Wow!” Alan exclaimed.

“You can also draw and paint,” Virgil informed him.

“Without getting told off for using your paints?”

“As long as you share with your classmates,” Virgil said with a big smile, “then you can use whatever you want… And maybe you could bring me a picture back of your favourite toy?”

Alan nodded enthusiastically, then looked up to his dad. “I’m ready to go now daddy!”

Jeff knelt down so his eyes were level with Alan’s. “Have a brilliant day son.”

Alan beamed, loosened his grip, then immediately ran towards his teacher.

Standing, Jeff reached out and brought his four other boys into a warm hold. Knowing that whenever he was out of his depth then his amazing sons would always have his back.

**

The Beast

It was dark. Only a few rays of sunlight managing to penetrate the lair he had entered. He had been warned on numerous occasions about the beast that inhabited this area and was known to attack when woken, but he had not believed. Yes, he had seen it on many occasions, but all of those times it had been funny, friendly and caring. Surely, just because it was woken early it wouldn't attack. Especially since it was him.

He creeped closer. Currently it was lying on its stomach, eyes were tightly shut, and bizarre noises were emitting from it. Finally, reaching his destination he leant towards it, his hand reaching out, but then a sudden snort from the thing in front of him was released causing him to jump back. Maybe it wasn't best to disturb it? Maybe Gordon was right, and the beast did attack if provoked this early? Although his brother was known to make things up. This probably was just one of his jokes and the usual encounter would be received. He had to be brave and find out the truth. Straightening himself up, he stepped forwards, and placed his hand confidently on the shoulder in front of him…

"Virg…"

No movement, no signs of him waking, so he tried again…

"Virgie?"

This time a groan emitted from his brother, then once again he grew quiet…

"Virgie," he pushed harder on his shoulder, "please wake up."

A yawn, and a pair of bleary eyes opened, grumpy and nothing like the kind-hearted peaceful ones he was used to… He moved backwards… Maybe this was a mistake… But then there eyes met, and a soft gentle smile illuminated the features of his brother.

"Hey Alligator, what's up?"

"Nothing," Alan replied with a little snigger at the nickname.

Virgil regarded the three-year-old in front of him. "Nothing, really?"

"Well, Gordy said you were a beast in the morning, but I didn't believe him, so he said I should come and see for myself."

"Did he indeed?"

Alan nodded his head.

"Well, I'm not a beast."

"Knew it!" Alan cheered happily.

"But," Virgil looked at his clock, "when I am woken this early, I am known to turn into a bear."

Alan gasped in shock.

"And you know what bears do, right?"

Alan scrunched up his little nose and shuck his head…

"Well, they are known to attack."

"Really?"

"Yes, with…" Virgil paused for dramatic effect… "tickles!"

A fit of giggles erupted from Alan when Virgil pounced, flung him over his shoulder, then onto the bed where he began tickling him madly.

**

Baby Talk

"Hi, I'm Scott, I'm four years old, I love aeroplanes and jumping off the couch. Although mummy and daddy tell me off for that one. My best friend became a big brother to a little sister last year, he's really good at it, and I want to be the same. So, I will always cuddle you, care for you, and when you get bigger I will help you to learn all of the things I found hard. I promise that I will be the best big brother you could ask for…" He leaned in and kissed his mother's tummy, feeling a kick back in response… "Love you too!"

[redgoldsparks]

October Reading and Reviews by Maia Kobabe

reviews below the cut

Felix Ever After by Kacen Callendar

Seventeen-year-old Felix Love is a trans, biracial high school senior at an expensive private art academy in Brooklyn, New York. He's taking a summer program to try and build up his painting portfolio to apply to Brown in the coming year- but of course he is competing against another boy who goes to his school, his wildly talented on-campus rival. Felix is shaken and horrified when someone posts up a whole gallery of photos of himself pre-transition, labelled with his deadname, in his school's lobby. He jumps to the conclusion that it was his rival, and starts up an elaborate plan to catfish him on instagram and get revenge. Felix's best friend, Ezra, who comes from an ultra-rich family and isn't very motived in class, is dubious of this plan. The plot thickens when someone starts DMing Felix transphobic messages, and when several crushes and breakups occur within Felix's all-queer friend group. I both enjoyed this book and was frustrated by it. I was annoyed by how much of the story hinged on instagram usage, and at times I struggled with Felix's often very negative attitude. I did enjoy the storylines of Felix's continued exploration of his identity and also his growing self-confidence in art-making. But I think this is a YA book I'd have liked a lot more when I was still a teen. And oh, how nice it would have been, to have a book about an artsy trans teen when I was one, and didn't have any language with which to describe myself.

Witch Hat Atelier vol 6 by Kamome Shirahama

This story continues to entertain and delight me. The art is so lovely, and the storytelling is very well paced (almost every volume contains a specific challenge which the main character must overcome, using the skills we have seen her learn in previous installments). The only thing that worries me is the very large number of new characters who keep getting introduced. Am I expected to remember all of these people and care about them? Well, I will have to keep reading and find out!

Shirley and Jamila Save Their Summer by Gillian Goerz

Shirley and Jamila are both trying to escape summer camps their respective families want to send them to. They manage to talk their moms into a solution: the girls will be allowed to hang out at the local basketball court as long as they stay together, which makes them both happy. Jamila can practice shooting hoops, and Shirley can use a court bench as her office, as she is a kid detective who solves many small mysterious and petty crimes brought by other neighborhood children. The majority of this story involves the mystery of a missing gecko, stolen from a pair of kids who brought it to the local pool. Shirley Bones is a miniature Sherlock Holmes, down to her keen observations and bad social skills. Jamila acts as her Watson, jumping to conclusions and puzzled by the evidence. The end is a charming and lighthearted resolution (no geckos are harmed in the story). This book is a good mystery for a young reader; as an adult I wanted a little deeper character development, but I think there's likely to be a sequel so I will look forward to that!

Wandering Son vol 1 by Shimura Takako

A very quiet, gentle story of two trans elementary school students who meet, become friends, and slowly begin to realize their own identities. I read the first couple volumes eight years ago, but I just noticed my library finally has more of the series, so I am re-reading it to get to the new material.

Like Other Girls by Britta Lundin

Mara is a strong-tempered, athletically gifted, closeted queer high schooler in the rural town of Elkhorn, Oregon. She was banned from the basketball team after she punched a teammate, and the only way to earn her way back into the coach's good graces is to successfully play another team sport for a season without getting into any fights. Everyone expects Mara to coast through a season of girl's volleyball, but instead she decides to try out of the all-boys football team. Her older brother Noah and her best friend Quinn already play football, so that means Mara will get to hang out with them and have a good time trying something challenging and new, right? No. Immediately, things begin to get complicated. Mara didn't feel like she was making a political statement, but then four other girls also decide to try out for team, Mara's mom gets upset at her, Noah's not sticking up for her on the field, and Quinn is being jealous and weird. Plus, one of the girls who decides to join football is Carly- the only out lesbian at Mara's school, and coincidentally, the girl who Mara punched. I LOVED this book. I devoured it in three days. It's so deeply rooted in place, the rural and small-town setting influencing all of the characters, the choices they feel they can make, the things they try to hide. The book features a mid-30s queer mentor who I deeply related to. All of the girls who join the team are very different from each other, and have distinct (and occasionally conflicting) motivations for signing up. Their growing friendship is one of the joys of the book. Each character feels true and real, and I left the book rooting for all of them. I hope there's a sequel on the way!

A Psalm for the Wild Built by Becky Chambers read by Emmett Grosland

Dex, a nonbinary monk on a forested moon colonized by humans, grows weary of their current situation and seeks a new profession as a wandering tea monk. Inside a wonderful mobile wagon they travel a circuit of little rural towns, making space for people relax, or vent, or grieve over a cup of specially brewed tea. But even this fulfilling life lacks something, and Dex sets of into the wilds on a whim-- where they met a sentient robot, a relic from an earlier age. If you are familiar with Becky Chambers, much of what you love can be found here: a cozy kind of sci-fi, focused on individuals trying to find the best way to live in a changing world. If you've never read Chambers before I'd probably recommend starting with The Long Way to the Small Angry Planet (first in a series) or To Be Taught, If Fortunate (a stand alone). This one is an enjoyable, quiet, gentle story but it didn't capture me quite as strongly as most of her others.

The Chosen and The Beautiful by Nghi Vo read by Natalie Naudus

A gorgeous, bittersweet retelling of The Great Gatsby that in my opinion far outstrips the original. The author places a new character, Jordan Baker, a Vietnamese-American adoptee, into the upper level of the social circles of glittering 1920s New York. Jordan went to high school with Daisy and so knows most of her darkest secrets, some of which are very dark indeed. For this world isn't just post-war and mid-Prohibition, but also one full of magicians and demons. Many wealthy men are rumored to have sold their souls to hell for some advantage or another, Suffragettes keep imps on leashes, and many people have a touch of some supernatural power about them, including Jordan. She has money and the right education, but she's also queer and foreign; she's always invited to the best parties, but generally keeps to the edges of them. She gets pulled into the fateful tangle of Jay Gatsby, Nick Carraway and Daisy Fay, and her keen observations make me care more about the outcome than F Scott Fitzgerald did. But most of all I cared about Jordan, and want more stories about reclaiming her heritage and her magic.

Broke Millennial Takes On Investing by Erin Lowry

I picked this book up after listening to a good podcast interview with the author on "Bad With Money". It's conversational and easy to read, and organized in such a way that you can easily skip around and read only the parts you need. I just learned form this book that there is such a thing as a SEP IRA, an IRA account specifically designed for self-employed people. Useful!

[fandom-necromancer]

Obscured by Shadows

Now to the last Halloween short! This was prompted by the wonderful @spacalicious and let me tell you you gave me so much I could have written a full on 60k story about it. I didn’t have as much fun writing a story in a long time. That said, this got long, i’ts a bit over 5k and I’m sorry to those who haven’t got something as long, I hope that’s okay. So enjoy this one!

Fandom: Detroit become human | Ship: Reed900 | AU: Eldritch being?

Nines had always been determined to figure things out for himself. Maybe it was something he valued because he had never been given a real base programming. He knew his model would eventually be used for the military. But Cyberlife hadn’t been able to do more than basic hardware tests on him before the revolution changed the world. He had been informed his prior series had been finished and given a purpose: The RK200 was a caretaker and the RK800 was working for the police. With nothing much to go off of, RK900 had chosen to keep these purposes in mind while finding his own.

He had applied at the police academy immediately after making this decision. He didn’t want to just download a program from someone. He wanted to build his own unique one. And during his time at the academy, he quickly found he liked the challenge of uncovering mysteries. He enjoyed gathering evidence, puzzling together what had happened based on it and uncovering the truth in between sowed lies. It only took him a few years to make it detective and was proud to be accepted at the fifth precinct of the Detroit police department. The Captain had assigned him to Lieutenant Anderson, the officer that had been there the longest, and Connor, the RK800. He was supposed to learn the ropes from them, and Connor was more than glad to show him around.

His predecessor had decided getting to know his co-workers was the best course of action and one after the next pointed out the different persons to him. ‘Okay, as you came in you must have seen the receptionists. The android is a ST300, she calls herself Steph, and the human one is Elisabeth, but everyone calls her Elly. Then we’ve got Officer Collins over there, this is Hank’s desk and mine and there is Officer Willson’s. On the other side we have Officer Person, Officer Chen and Officer Miller. And you already met the Captain. We are a small group, but that’s because SWAT is right there, if you head out this side. Another RK800 is working there, but I’m not on best terms with him. We tend to evade each other. Doesn’t mean you have to though. I can show you around there tomorrow, for now I’ll show you the cells, interrogation room and the meeting room. Then we can-‘ ‘Excuse me?’ Nines felt bad for interrupting, but his eye had fallen on… on what again? ‘Yes? Sorry, I tend to monologue. How can I help you?’ Connor politely smiled at him, while Nines thought about what he had meant to ask about. Connor had showed him all his co-workers and had went on with- right. He looked around again and kept his eyes on the person Connor missed. ‘Who is he?’, he asked, pointing Connor at the man. ‘Hm? Oh. Oh, that’s just Gavin’, the other android waved him off. ‘Detective Reed I believe. He’s an asshole. I met him briefly before the revolution. That was enough to get a clear picture of him. File him under unimportant and go on with it. It’s not really worth knowing the guy, trust me.’ ‘But I introduced myself to everyone personally after the initial briefing’, Nines argued. ‘I believe I must have forgotten him. I at least want to do that.’ Connor shrugged. ‘Fine, knock yourself out. I’ll wait here for you. I doubt you’ll be long.’

Nines made his way over to the man’s desk and read the plague first. Connor had been right: Detective Gavin Reed. ‘Hello! My name is Nines. I’m a RK900 unit and the new Detective. I’m looking forward to work with you!’ He held out his hand and every other person had accepted it and had some niceties left for him. The human in front of him just stared him up and down and grumbled. ‘Phck off.’ Nines recoiled. ‘Excuse me, I just wanted to be nice. I-‘ ‘And I don’t. Mind your own business and piss off!’ Nines knit his brows but remembered Connor’s words. Maybe this one time he could have relied on someone else’s knowledge.

-

He had returned to Connor that day and the other RK had shown him the rest of the precinct. After that the days seemed to rush past: Nines helped Hank and Connor with their cases and quickly afterwards he had his first very own case. The other two had helped him solve it, but it still was one he had led and found most of the clues to. After work he was driving from one place to the next looking for a small affordable flat, but so far, he stayed in the mostly unused stasis-booths at the precinct or simply continued working. In his breaks he had chatted with his co-workers and learned quite a lot about them. Collins had a sweet tooth, Wilson was almost religiously obsessed with football, Person was spending a large amount of his pay checks on his sister’s hospital fees but according to him she is getting better, Chen loved tea way too much and Miller could talk on for hours about his daughter and wife. Nines was quite content with his life and his choice to join the DPD. He liked the challenge actual cases brought to the table and was in general well-liked. So why was something constantly nagging at his systems, directing his attention to empty spaces on the opposite wall or just letting him stare into the nothing somewhere in the precinct? Maybe something was just wrong with his systems.

No, there wasn’t anything wrong with his systems. Nines had checked as he had entered stasis that night. But that would mean something in the precinct actually let his sensors misfire. And apparently, he was the only one to notice that strange phenomenon. The RK900 still doubted himself as he stepped down from the platform that morning. All his co-workers were competent and attentive people. They should have noticed it if something weird was going on in the bullpen. And there was still the minimal possibility of his diagnostic routines failing him. He would keep this to himself for now and keep his eyes open.

It took him almost a month to lose his patience. The errors and inconsistencies piled up and so far, almost all of them could be chalked up to the one person no one seemed to care about or even notice. Gavin Reed. The strangest thing was that Nines himself didn’t care much about the human. In fact, he only ended up focussing on the man as the number of things he didn’t know about him became suspicious. He had made a point of knowing as much as possible and appropriate about his co-workers. He had learned that helped a lot with work climate and integration. The occasional donut for Collins, a signed picture of a famous footballer for Wilson’s birthday, spending his break with Tina once to check out a local tea shop: That all was something that had made him likeable and made working a pleasant experience. But with how much he knew of them, how little he knew of Gavin was worrying.

Sure, the man was an asshole. But even assholes had personalities. There had to be at least rumours about him. But whenever he had asked someone, he had been given the same answers: ‘Reed? Yeah, he worked here for some time.’ ‘He’s an asshole, it seems to be worse with androids.’ ‘Pfft… Nah, he keeps to himself, don’t know anything about him.’ So he wasn’t alone with not knowing, he just was alone with worrying about that fact.

One quiet day, he decided to do some personal research into that mystery. Every human was known to the world in some way or another. Date of birth. Date of graduation. Date of Employment. Criminal record. Won some small prize in the lottery. An Address. Anything. And that was when things got truly confusing. He looked over at the man and felt how his eyes suddenly darted away to movement that he had thought to see at the edge of his vision. He never managed to look at the human for longer than a few minutes. Something was seriously wrong.

‘Connor? Can I speak with you for a moment? In private?’ Connor looked up from his work, then to the clock. He shrugged. ‘Sure. I can take my break early. What can I help you with?’ They left the precinct through the back entrance to have some privacy and Nines began with a sigh. ‘It’s about Gavin.’ ‘Did he do anything to you? Did he harm you?’ ‘No!’, Nines quickly said. ‘No, he didn’t do anything. But he is weird. I… I did some research and…’ ‘Wait. You “did some research”? What are you talking about?’ Nines held his hands up to calm him. ‘Connor, please listen to me, it will all make sense in a minute. How much do you know about Reed?’ ‘Nothing much, he’s an asshole. Otherwise he keeps to himself. Worked here for a long time.’ ‘How long?’ ‘How should I know?’ ‘How long did Person work here?’ ‘For twelve years, exactly a month from now.’ Nines stared at him triumphantly.

‘Hey, I haven’t looked into his file, okay? Never even talked to him. That doesn’t mean anything.’ ‘Well, I looked into it’, Nines picked up where Connor left off. ‘He doesn’t even work here. Officially. There is no file in the systems for his person, his name is only listed as being employed by the city. There is a birth year at least, but no school. No educational record, no graduation paper. Nothing. There is an address, but the place had been towed down ages ago.’ ‘Maybe he forgot to update it. Or Fowler knows and hadn’t updated his new address yet.’ ‘And the missing documents?’, Nines tried to convince him. ‘What about those?’ ‘Humans can be sloppy sometimes. Especially with bureaucracy.’ ‘May I remind you the entire HR department is run by androids by now?’, Nines threw his final punch. ‘It’s quite funny when you think about it.’ Connor held his head as if he had forgotten he couldn’t get headaches. ‘Nines, you are paranoid. The guy really isn’t that important.’

But Nines didn’t let himself be shut down. ‘There is more actually. Chris complained about the coffee being empty, right? That was yesterday, a Thursday. Correct?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘And I personally restocked Monday the week before! Tina drinks tea, Chris can’t drink too much or his stomach acts up. With the regular caffeine intake of the rest of them, it shouldn’t be depleted yet.’ ‘So?’ ‘Someone drinks an unhealthy amount of coffee, I would even dare say it would kill a human or at least leave them with serious health issues. And only Gavin is left if you keep an eye out.’ Connor sighed: ‘Or someone dropped the package, spilled half of it and cleaned up the mess into the bin.’ ‘Okay, then how do you explain this: Reed is always here when someone arrives. No matter how early I rise from stasis, he is already there. As if he never left. And then sometimes he spends entire days away and no one bothers!’ ‘Vacations and overtime are a thing.’ Nines shook his head. ‘There is no car standing in the parking lot that belongs to him, I looked after everyone was gone. Yet, there is a key to a car on his desk.’ ‘Maybe he parks somewhere else, because he likes to go on a walk after a long day of sitting around.’ ‘Connor!’ ‘No, Nines, you are paranoid. That’s all. You should slow down maybe. Or take some days off. The man is just your regular asshole who is decent enough to be professional and do his job. And that’s all.’

Nines was desperate. He had thought that at least if pointed to it, the other RK would notice. ‘Then what about the fact that I have never seen him eat something once? And he keeps framed pictures of his cats, but he has no cat hairs on himself!’ ‘Nines, please, you need to calm down. If I didn’t know it any better, I’d say you are stalking him. Please stop. Believe me when I say Reed is as unimportant as someone could be. You are certain of the way things seem to be and now you search for evidence to prove your point. But we are detectives. We find evidence and conclude.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I worry for you. Please, take a break from work. How is your house-hunting?’ ‘Haven’t found a flat yet.’ ‘Do you want to live with Hank and me? We could make room for you for a few days. You need to get out of here.’ Nines deflated as he saw he couldn’t win. ‘That’s nice of you, Connor. But I guess I’ll just think about what you said and try to get back to work.’

In truth Nines didn’t think about anything Connor had told him. If anything, his words had only made it clearer to him that something is wrong. He had to take matters into his own hands.

-

Gavin startled as a coffee cup was put on his desk with an audible thump. He looked up. ‘Hello, I’m Nines. I already introduced myself but we never really talked.’ Gavin stared at the nosey android and frowned. ‘And I already told you to phck off. Nothing has changed since then.’ ‘No need to be so aggressive, Detective. I always see you working. I believe I never actually saw you taking a break.’ ‘Well, I like work and I’d like to get back to it, tin-can.’ ‘Tin-can? Oh, that’s a new one’, the android answered and smiled at him. Goddamnit. ‘Listen, I don’t know what you are on about, but I don’t want to talk. I’ll say it one last time: Phck off!’ This… Nines… pouted at him. ‘Come on, I got you a coffee, the least you could do is answer me one question!’ Gavin sighed and leaned back. ‘Fine. One question. And then you’ll go!’ He hoped his form didn’t show how nervous he was.

‘What do you like?’ Compared to everything he had expected that was quite harmless and caught him off-guard. ‘What?’ The android continued to grin at him. ‘What do you like? Food, hobbies, doesn’t matter.’ ‘Oh, okay, err… I like cats. And… Coffee.’ ‘Are those yours?’, the android asked pointing at the framed pictures. ‘Hey, you said one question, then you’d be leaving me alone!’ The android lifted his hands. ‘Alright, fine. I’m leaving. Was nice talking to you!’

Gavin couldn’t help looking after the machine that was leaving now. Damn nosy androids would be his downfall someday. He turned back to his work, the smell of coffee distracting him. He glanced over to it and finally succumbed to taking and drinking it. He wasn’t ashamed by the fact that he was addicted to it ever since he first tried it in the 15th century. It was one of the pleasant experiences of his existence. He had lived on this world for eons now, maybe he had been around right from the start. But you could only spend so many billion years until you got bored and wanted to try something new. He had lived among humans ever since a massive migration to a continent a large part of the world never even knew about. It was easy to fit in when no one asked where you came from and everyone was eager to start a new life. And Gavin fit in nicely. He sowed enough information to saturate most and those who wanted more he used his powers on to become totally ordinary. So ordinary that most didn’t even notice him. He was living a peaceful life, working on farms, later with railroads and the industry. He liked the concept of lifetimes to justify changing from one job to another and discovering new interesting ways to fake being human. This lifetime he had decided to spend just relaxing. He played the average human that made it Detective and since then worked away solving mysteries and cuddling with cats when coming home.

He couldn’t have known this would be the time humanity decided to change once again. They decided to design machines, androids. They looked human but were designed to obey. Why exactly was it that humanity wished for some kind of slavery every few hundred years? He didn’t care for it too much as they were just machines. Sure, his powers didn’t work on them like they did with humans, but as he was seen as one of them, he could just order the androids to go away and leave him alone. And then deviancy happened. Humans had tried perfecting them so much, they accidentally created life. Gavin knowing humans had decided to wait it out. Too easy he could fake his death and return to his normal existence. But he had been living within them in peace successfully so far. He really didn’t want to change that. So, he waited. Waited until the revolution happened. And too his distress, the androids won.

Ever since he had tried to move on the streets as little as necessary. He spent almost all of his days in the precinct where he was safe from them minus Connor. And the bot he could easily get rid of by changing his attitude to grumpy and abrasive. He thought it might work out. But this new android was a pain in the ass. Nosey as hell and apparently determined to get to know him. Well, someday his luck had to run out and it seemed the time had come.

He spent his remaining day at his terminal, until he felt eyes on him again. He tried to subtly look up and met the damned android’s cheeky grin as he entered the stasis booth. The machine even gave him a little wave. Gavin felt his powers bristling underneath his skin, warning him he had been spotted, but with grit teeth he forced them down. Phck, he needed to relax. He switched off his terminal and headed outside. He hurried through the streets until he finally found an empty back alley without CCTV. It really had been easier in the olden times. Quietly he let go of the charade and got rid of his fake skin. Finally, he could stretch and brush against corners, making natural shadows more refined and let them stretch to take him. Oh, he had missed that feeling. Excitement bubbled inside him as he scaled the city, slithering from one shadow to the next through the narrow spaces in brickwork and underground where there was no connecting darkness to act as a convenient passageway. More than once androids looked towards him, but he just hurried away before they could investigate. Damn machines.

He finally made it home, faster than any car or train could and let himself inside through the letter box. Only then he reformed his human appearance and got to his knees, greeting his cats with maybe one or two arms too many. Not that they would care, they just wanted their pets. Gavin sighed, the fluffy fur under his hands just the perfect way to destress from a long day. He fed them and switched on his stereo to blast music as loud as the cats would allow. He had more than enough time to settle everything with the nosey android. He would be fine.

-

‘You forgot your keys yesterday!’, he was greeted as he walked into the bullpen. He could only frown at the android standing beside his desk, dangling them from one finger. Gavin saw red and pulled them from the man, maybe having moved a little too fast for a human. ‘Give them back!’ He looked down on them and carefully put them down in their usual spot. ‘How did you come home then? You couldn’t drive with your car.’ ‘I don’t have one, phck off!’, Gavin shouted. ‘Then why do you have keys?’

Phck. He felt his powers acting up, but it only managed to avert the human gazes from the disturbance. The android didn’t bulge. Shit. A human explanation, quick. Oh, right, parents were a thing! ‘They are my dad’s, he… He died in a car crash. They are the only thing I’ve got left of him.’ It technically wasn’t even a lie. Nowadays he often faked his death so he could inherit his own belongings and one of them had indeed been a car crash. ‘Oh. I’m sorry.’ The android really looked like he meant it. ‘I didn’t mean to pry.’ ‘Well then go and-‘ ‘Can I make it up to you?’ Oh phck no… ‘There is a cat café that just recently opened up. I thought-‘ ‘What is a cat café?’, Gavin asked, momentarily forgetting he wanted the android gone. ‘Oh, it’s a regular café, but cats are roaming around. I thought you’d like it.’ ‘I… That does sound interesting.’ ‘It’s a deal then! I’m looking forward to it!’ ‘No, I-‘ But the android had already left. Gavin let his shoulders fall. It wouldn’t hurt playing human for a break, right? He had done so before. Sure, it broke his rule of never mingling too close with humanity, but it couldn’t really go wrong, right?’

-

It was awkward at first. They had entered and sat down on two comfy chairs and didn’t manage to speak a word until the waiter came. They ordered their drinks and it returned to the uncomfortable silence. Until one of the cats decided to jump onto Gavin’s lap. The android had laughed at his surprised face and Gavin had begun to pet her. ‘You are good with cats’, he commented. ‘Yeah, I love them’, Gavin answered. ‘Just… calms you down I guess.’ ‘I never got to pet one.’ ‘Really?’ Gavin could understand that human lives were short and that not everyone had the pleasure of strolling along the streets of early civilisations and pet every fluffy beast in existence, but it did surprise him. ‘You really have to!’

The android looked around and tried to get the attention of one of the cats wandering about. The look of pure wonder on the android’s face as the cat headbutted his hand for the first time touched something in Gavin and he chuckled. The android looked back up while still petting the cat and smiled back. Only as the cat decided they had enough did the android return to the table. ‘I really wonder why everyone was so sure about you being an asshole’, Nines began talking. ‘I mean, I don’t really know you yet, but you are nice company.’ ‘I tend to keep to myself’, Gavin muttered, looking down on the cat that still hadn’t moved and curled herself up on his legs. ‘Made some bad experiences I guess.’ ‘I think we should do this more often’, the android said. As much as Gavin wanted to, he couldn’t bring himself to truly disagree.

They met a few times afterwards. They often spent their breaks together in the café and with time Gavin thought that maybe he didn’t have to isolate himself all the time. But he always shut these thoughts down and thought of the android as an exception. One evening Nines had insisted to come over and see Gavin’s cats, what had brought Gavin into the zugzwang to explain some of the by now ancient things he had collected over the years. ‘I’m interested in history’, he bluffed. ‘Archaeology is a pet peeve of mine. So I tend to collect.’ Surprisingly, the android had bought it and instead admired his “collection”. It had ended in multiple visits to museums and exhibitions. Not that Gavin really minded. It was a fun distraction and his lie about being a history enthusiast wasn’t that far fetched when he could tell a few first-hand stories from when he had been there himself.

It was about a month later that they had come back from one of these exhibition trips and the android had dropped him off at his apartment. The android had hugged him goodbye, something he would never get tired of, and was about to go. ‘Are you going back to the precinct?’, he blurted out out of nowhere. ‘Yes’, Nines had answered. ‘Detroit’s housing market is awful. Haven’t got a flat yet.’ ‘Do you want to… I mean you could stay here if you want to.’ The android had stared at him wide eyed and Gavin started to regret his impromptu decision until Nines threw him a smile and nodded politely. That evening Gavin ended up on the couch next to Nines watching TV until the android appeared to have entered stasis. In the silence that followed, he began to think about his life choices. What was he doing? He was an eldritch shadow being from the dawn of time. Nines was an android he had no power over. And something was clearly growing between them. It was evident in the way Nines had snuggled up next to him, the cats all over them. This couldn’t work. What if Nines found out? What if he would rat him out to anyone? Humans he could fool, but androids would be able to follow him to the end of the world. He had made a huge mistake.

And still: listening to the hum of the android’s thirium pump he couldn’t find to regret it. Quite the opposite was the case.

-

The next morning was filled with more excuses. Why didn’t he have a kitchen? Why didn’t he have any food at home? Gavin had mumbled something about always getting something at the food trucks and stressed they would be late. Apparently, Nines took that information with only a sigh, too. One Catastrophe evaded.

Off to face the next one: As they entered the precinct together, Gavin froze as he found his desk occupied. By Connor. And the other android was staring at them with determination. ‘You two. Interrogation room. Now.’ Gavin was about to protest, so did Nines, but the other RK stopped them: ‘I said now!’ So, they trotted over, and Gavin knew he had phcked up. He had set up these rules for a reason. How could he think he could start a relationship with an android would somehow work out?

‘Nines, I believe you now.’ Nines frowned in return as they entered and exchanged a look with Gavin. ‘What do you mean?’ ‘What you told me about him. It’s true! It’s like he isn’t even existing! And everything you told me was true! There are so many discrepancies with him that something has to be wrong.’ Gavin felt panic creeping in. What? What had these two androids talked about? What had he missed? ‘No, Connor, you were right’, Nines disagreed. ‘There is a logical explanation for everything. I was just paranoid, as you said. I just knew nothing about him because I never even spoke with him.’ ‘Oh and now suddenly everything is perfect? What are these explanations then?’ Nines sighed. ‘What do you want to hear from me?’ ‘The keys?’ ‘Memorabilia of his deceased father.’ ‘The cat hairs?’ ‘Either I must have missed something or he had just washed his clothes. Scan Gavin now and you’ll see a bunch of cat hairs.’ ‘What the hell are you two talking about?’, Gavin asked. ‘You are hiding something!’, Connor growled his way. ‘And I won’t rest until I know what it is!’ Gavin took an instinctive step back. Oh no… ‘Connor’, Nines directed the other RK’s attention back to him. ‘I spent the last months with him. He really isn’t as bad as you think and he clearly isn’t hiding anything.’ ‘Oh, is that so? Have you seen his home then?’

Nines puffed out his chest. ‘I have, actually. In great detail.’ He challenged Connor by staring him in the eyes. ‘Wait what?’ That had caught Connor off-guard at least. ‘You two… You aren’t… No.’ ‘Yes’, Nines grinned. ‘And you should trust the android with the more advanced analysis tools that he is as normal as a human can be.’ Connor was left just standing there, staring. ‘I… I’m not convinced, just so you know. But I trust you. Just know that I’ll be keeping an eye on you!’ ‘That’s only fair’, Nines commented, but Connor was already storming out of the room.

For a while no one moved. ‘Should we go back to the-‘, Gavin started, but was interrupted: ‘No.’ Nines pushed himself off the table and leaned against it. ‘The cams are deactivated, and the observation room is empty. No one else can hear us. I’m sorry. I should have told you earlier.’ ‘What should you have told me earlier?’, Gavin asked carefully. ‘I had suspicions about you. That’s why I initially wanted to get to know you better. I pretended everything was alright so you could tell me once you were ready. But I guess now is a good a time as ever: What are you, Gavin? Who are you? The things you own are legitimately old. A collection like this would be priceless, you could sell it for millions. Most of it belongs in a museum. And you don’t even really exist on paper. I couldn’t find your name in any hospital archives from the day you were supposed to be born and you never went to a school. Please, I need to know.’

Gavin sighed deeply and sat down. Should he tell him? Well, he had to. But what then? He guessed a prison to hold him would have yet to be built. And he could always move to another city after faking yet another death. But he didn’t want to lose this. This lifetime was meant to be relaxing and hell, with Nines he had been the most relaxed he had been for centuries. Well, he had to hope for the best. ‘No one can see us?’ ‘No one.’ ‘And no one can hear us?’ ‘Everything said here will remain between us.’ ‘You have to promise not to tell anyone.’ ‘I will as long as my duty as a police officer doesn’t call for it.’

Gavin took a deep breath. So far so good. But promises could be empty and who knew what the duty of a police officer entailed these days. But he knew he was only buying time. And so he began: ‘I am a being that has been around since the dawn of time. I am made of shadows, some worshipped me as the shadows themselves. I don’t even know if that’s true. I’ve been around for a while until I finally decided to try living as a human for a while. And it worked! I was a peaceful part of society since… Well, I took a few breaks but more or less since the 600s? It is hard pretending to be a human if you are immortal, so I travelled a lot and faked papers as much as I could. I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, I like coffee and cats. The keys are from my first ever car, but I hate driving, so I got rid of it by crashing it one day.’ Nines stared at him dumbfounded. ‘I think I need proof, I can’t believe this.’ Gavin sighed and looked at the table. ‘Please, don’t freak out’, he warned, before transforming into his true form. Suddenly half the room was swallowed by darkness and Gavin showed off a bit by extending a few tendrils of shadow towards Nines. The android looked shocked at first, then bewildered and then fascinated. Nines even stepped closer. ‘You won’t hurt me, right?’ ‘I never hurt anyone’, Gavin answered, his voice coming somewhere from his centre that was still hovering over the chair. Nines extended an arm and tried to touch Gavin, who chuckled. His only feature was to consume light, he literally was the personification of the absence of light. What a dork, trying to touch that. For some reason that seemed to disappoint the android and Gavin made an effort reforming his body partially while still keeping his real self exposed.

‘And?’, Gavin asked. ‘What does this mean now?’ Nines was still staring at him. ‘You are beautiful.’ Gavin laughed, but took the android’s hand lovingly. ‘If you say so.’ ‘How did you keep this a secret for so long? Is that why you aren’t noticeable by most? I have so many questions, I-‘ ‘I would say, I explain everything to you at my home where we are safe’, Gavin offered. ‘I want to know what it means first. For us. Does it change anything?’

Nines smiled and came closer. ‘Only that I don’t have to worry about your human lifespan’, he smirked. ‘And that we can spend an eternity forever.’ Gavin sighed in relief and relaxed completely. ‘You don’t know how much that means to me.’ ‘I think I get the gist of it’, Nines shrugged and dove in for a kiss that left Gavin completely unprepared. But he had always been quick to adapt.

It took them a while to get out of that interrogation room, but thanks to Gavin’s powers no one but Connor noticed. Nines just threw him a cocky smile while making a point of sitting down on the free table opposite of Gavin’s.

Maybe Gavin Reed was a man made of shadows. It didn’t change the fact that Nines was completely engulfed in his gloom.

[cheri-translates]

[CN] 100 Days - Shaw (Day 51 - 100)

🍒 Warning: This post contains detailed spoilers for e-mails which have not been released in English servers! 🍒

What’s the 100 Days Companionship Event?

Day 1 - 3: here

Day 4 - 30: here

Day 31 - 50: here

Day 51

Learnt a new card magic trick and will leave you wide-eyed today. You coming?

Day 52

Instead of thinking about raising koi to change your fortune, why not buy a can of cola. As compared to nothing, at least my mood will be good.

Day 53

I have two tickets for an e-sports competition. It’s at 8pm. We’ll meet at the entrance of your place.

Day 54

The competition yesterday was pretty bad. I may as well have participated myself. Let’s not go for today’s competition. We’ll level up at home.

Day 55

Sign in. Come to think of it, you’re pretty amazing - you can come up with so many topics to talk about every day.

Day 56

I heard that you have plans to try jigsaw puzzles. I’ve sent you one with 30,000 pieces - it’s completely white. No need to thank me, and I wish you an early completion.

Day 57

The professor keeps complaining that his snacks go missing. Placing the snacks in a laboratory where people walk to and fro - he deserves it. Don’t you agree?

Day 58

I found the snacks thief - it’s a big fat crow. Whoa, it’s awfully sly.

Day 59

Jensen has been working hard on practising his rap. Today, I even heard a flow in his snoring, and recorded it. Want to hear?

Day 60

It’s the day of Frost’s Descent. Of course you have to eat marbled beef with me.

[Trivia] 霜降 (“shuang jiang”) translates to “Frost’s Descent”, which refers to the last solar term of autumn. Shaw’s use of “marbled beef” is a play on words because in Chinese, “marbled beef” is “霜降肥牛”!

Day 61

Even three-year-old children know that they have to wear more clothes when it’s cold. Looks like you’re only one-year-old.

Day 62

There’s a small stall on Westmoon Street selling Double Ninth cake. It’s tastier than those in other places. Come out quickly, I’ll take you to taste the delicacy.

Day 63

Head to the hotpot shop first. The Old Man wants me to meet some of his old colleagues. How troublesome. Remember to order a plate of tripe for me.

Day 64

You want to compete to see who can replicate the most number of animal sounds tomorrow? You’ll definitely lose.

Day 65

Fine, I lost… But why do you know how to imitate the sound of a hippopotamus?!

Day 66

Are you really angry today? In that case, if I wear a pompom hat next time, I’ll let you tie a knot too.

Day 67

That song you shared with me before - its orchestral arrangement is still passable, but its effects will be ten times better with the bass. I’ll record a section for you later.

Day 68 (Halloween)

Title: Costumes

This is what you called an incredibly amazing costume? Wait at home. I’ll show you what’s truly “incredibly amazing”.

Day 69

A performance without an audience is pretty fun too. It’d have been even better if someone were around to record it. I think you’re pretty suited for it.

Day 70

Today’s challenge: To sneak away under the eyes of the professor.

Day 71

I signed in late today, but you can’t blame me for oversleeping. It’s all because the sun didn’t appear and head to work today.

Day 72

Unlocked a new breakfast combo. Even though I don’t see a need for it, I can recommend it to you.

Day 73

There’s a bad ending to that drama you haven’t finished watching, so I’m giving you a heads-up. I wasn’t wrong when I said fairy tales weren’t believable, was I?

Day 74

Feels like you’ve been busy for several days. Want to sneak out to relax for a while?

Day 75

Realised that my phone battery is running low, and can’t slack off and send you messages anymore. How unlucky.

Day 76

I’ve been busy preparing for exams recently, but you can still send me messages at night as usual. At most, I’ll reply you the next day

Day 77

There’s a sports meet in school next week, and I’ve been dragged in to fill the numbers. Come watch if you have time.

Day 78

Let’s compete in a round of “flash sale” tonight. The loser will buy whatever’s in the other person’s shopping cart.

[Note] Shaw is talking about 秒杀 (“miao sha”), which directly translates to “seconds kill”. It’s a term used in online shopping where once popular items are placed on the Internet, dozens of them are immediately snatched up, sometimes in a single second.

Day 79 (Single’s Day)

The rain in November is pretty cold. I’ve decided to shower and sleep early today, so don’t disturb me after 12am.

Day 80

I can brush off how you added ginger ale to Cola the last time. But this time, what do you think you’re doing by adding indigo woad root?

[Note] Indigo woad root, also known as the root of Isatis tinctoria (板蓝根 - “ban lan gen”)is a traditional Chinese herb used for flu relief

Day 81

Horror techniques like inserting a jump scare in a comedic clip is too elementary. Next time, please come up with something new.

Day 82

Are you awake? Head out once you’ve signed in, or what I taught you about the skateboard will be completely forgotten.

Day 83

The graffiti wall I brought you to the last time has been torn down. I found a new unfinished building, and you can practice here.

Day 84

No one can be certain of the future. I can’t be bothered to think about it either. As long as you run in the direction you want to go, it’s enough.

Day 85

This semester’s elective course is almost over. There are some assignments I haven’t finished. If there’s anything, come to the library to find me.

Day 86

I don’t feel like writing anymore, and am prepared to head out for a stroll tomorrow. Give me two recommended locations from your collection of reviews.

Day 87

One principle applies to both ice-skating and skateboarding - you won’t learn it if you don’t fall a few times. In the worst case, I’ll catch you when you fall.

Day 88

Watched as someone failed to stick a straw in after three tries, and didn’t allow me to laugh out loud.

Day 89

That hook you hummed today was a little familiar. Did you watch the live performance of that very popular underground band recently?

Day 90

Call me along the next time you go to a Live. Relax, I’m on pretty good terms with the bassist from that band. I’m not going there for a surprise brawl.

Day 91

The Old Man’s a little sick, so I’m bringing him medicine. Since it’s along the way, I’ll bring the umbrella you left at my place to you.

Day 92

Didn’t expect you to grasp the move I taught you today so quickly. I’ll award you with a can of Cola.

Day 93

The punishment for today’s game are biscuits filled with mustard, and the person who loses will eat them. Do you have the guts?

Day 94

Have I been infected with your bad luck recently? Even the things I get in blind boxes are duplicates.

Day 95

Not just old antique shops - I can also find all the old game shops, old phonograph shops, and old appliances shops in Loveland City.

Day 96

Adam forgot to take the pot away the last time he had instant-boiled mutton hot pot in Live House. We could use it again today.

Day 97

Instead of believing in some “Mercury Retrograde”, why not come along with me to pray to Emperor Yang Gu, so he’ll save you from calamities.

Day 98

It’s become a habit to chat with you every day. If there are such challenges in the future, look for me too. Got it?

Day 99

It’s the second last day, and we’ll soon see the outcome of who has won this round. Are you sure you’ve been signing in every day?

Day 100

If there any other bets or challenges next time, I’m always ready and waiting.

[agueforts]

guyssss i miss my fucking . activity :C :C :C

[toonytoodles]

Here's another round of "these would be head canons except it's canon" or "random ideas I had and wrote down and I'm posting them to keep track of all my thoughts"

-

Sofia always gets a little nervous when walking up or down stairs, she's terrified to fall, unfortunately her room is upstairs, and no one knows of this fear

Pond has submechanaphobia (the fear of underwater objects)

Ponds younger sibling Brook has "nicknames" for her and her friends.

"Pon," "Avey," "Memma," "Fia," "Cememine," and the calls both the twins "Anby-n-Anby"

Pond can size shift in a way, being able to be small enough to fit in a glass, or be as big as a lake, she can change her size shape and form under the right conditions, but prefers not to

Andie doesn't swim- it's not that she doesn't know how, she just doesn't like getting wet, and she doesn't like swimsuits

Avery gets bored and thinks about random stuff a lot

The twins have done that cat nose boop to their friends, they were all touched by the sentiment, except for Avery who had to have it explained to her, then she happy-cried about it

Andie and Andy snuggle like actual cats do, often purring as they sleep

Andie is the older and more assertive twin

Every time Andie gets deadnamed Emma looms over the person with an angry look and just says "Her name is Andie." In a dead serious tone. It doesn't happen as often anymore, but I like to think after they run in terror, Emma checks to see if Andie is okay, then needs to be reassured that she's not actually that scary

Sometimes the others can't understand Avery due to her accent, to everyone else it's kinda funny, (though Emma does try REALLY hard to understand), but Avery gets kinda mad, especially if it's important or if she's already upset. Shes especially hard to understand if she's upset/panicking, it kind of sounds like gibberish at that point. That's usually when she gets pancaked by Em.

When Emma first met Sofia she PANICKED cause she had no idea what a dullahan was. Emma just started screaming and panicking, until Clementine and Avery calmed her down and slowly explained that she was fine, that she's supposed to have her head off. Emma didn't completely get it at first, but she's slowly adjusted to it and she understands it now, but then she was so scared. She's really really embarrassed by it, and feels bad about it, and Sofia was scared of her too, so it was just really awkward at first. They're cool now, but at first they wanted to run away from each other upon seeing the other

Avery doesn't like jewelry- it's too much sensory wise, she doesn't like the feel of rings, bracelets, or necklaces, and she can't wear earrings, they won't pierce through her scales

Avery absent mindedly lays on her stomach and is always wearing something that covers her stomach- she doesn't realize it, but it's a survival instinct, as her stomach is one of her biggest weak points. She's almost physically incapable of lying on her back, she can only do it when she's in a safe calm environment where she feels she can't be hurt. But again, this all happens subconsciously, she doesn't notice that she's doing it. Her other huge weak point is her tail, it's important to her balance, and it's directly connected to her spine, so should anything happen to her tail, it could be life or death. This one she is aware of, but there are other reasons she doesn't like people touching her tail in addition to the danger it puts her in. It's uncomfortable for her, it's hers and it's weird to her if you touch it. It's uncomfortable on a couple of levels, it feels uncomfortable and is literally uncomfortable, leave her tail alone. The only exception to this is Emma, and only because it can't always be helped, she might touch her tail some when she sits on her hand. But Emma tries to touch is as little as possible, as she knows how bad it bothers her. (also Avery can lay on her back in Emma's pocket)

Sapphire has a Scottish accent- that's where Avery got it from

Emma and Avery do eventually become a couple, they're just anxious and beat around the bush about it for a while. They're too nervous to tell each other, they're worried about rejection, ruining their friendship, and being good enough for the other. Once they're dating it doesn't change much, except they do call hanging out with each other dates and occasionally do couple things (and Avery does kiss her at one point, which Emma gets all flustered about)

Andie and Andy are identical twins

Andies enchanted flute can implant suggestions into people's minds, and she has the ability to talk to/understand feral animals, this is all she can do because she doesn't want to put in the effort to learning more, and 90% of the time she forgets she can do either

They all have a favorite ice cream flavor!

Avery - Moon berry ice cream with chunks of hot pepper and hot fudge on top

Emma - Chocolate with fudge chunks and chocolate syrup on top

Sofia - Vanilla

Clementine - Coffee flavored ice cream with chocolate syrup and marshmallows

Andie - Neapolitan, preferably in a sundae

Andy - Strawberry with strawberry syrup and when possible, strawberries on top

Andie is secretly scared of balloons

Emma's shoes are slip ons

Andie gets vocal training to sound more feminine, Andy pays for the classes out of his allowance

Emma's house has small platforms and walkways for beans. One of these elevated walk ways leads into Emma's room, where there's a small cubby hole that's a make shift room for beans. Emma set it up for Avery to give her some space when she comes over, she has a big family, and everyone in the family is big, and they all want Averys attention- it can be a bit much. When Avery is in the small room she's officially off limits, with Emma being close by to ward off her siblings. Emma worries about her small friends safety, and sanity, and tries to make accommodations for her, both with her size and her needs.

Averys stims/ticks are: Hand flapping, tail wagging, she has a pressure stim that helps her calm down, her feet claws dig at the ground absent mindedly, her leg bounces when she sits, she pulls on her hair, ocassionally grunts and/or whines, will scream at the top of her lungs when she's pushed past her limit, and rarely, but sometimes she randomly twitches/flinches, and hates when people point it out, like, she's not spasming on purpose, you don't have to be a jerk about it... Emma doesn't stand for it either, so people will shut up about it quickly. Avery doesn't have anything diagnosed, but it's very possible that she has adhd, a sensory processing disorder, an anxiety disorder, and/or is somewhere on the spectrum. I'm not going to officially diagnose her with anything, most of these things are based off myself, and I feel that they also apply to her. These seem very in character, Avery is impulsive, can't sit still, does things without thinking/ not realizing she's doing it, she can't stand certain feelings/sensations/ textures/ tastes, etc., she panics kind of easily, and it escalates quickly, she has several stims/ticks that she uses for basically every emotion, she likes to enclose herself in comfortable small spaces, she has certain people she goes to for comfort, this is all canon already, I've discussed most of it before, I just thought I'd try to list it all out for my own reference

In Averys particular subspecies, there's no way to tell what the sex of the draconic is before it hatches. Her parents debated on a while about various male/female names, but they didn't want to keep referring to the egg as "the egg," or "the baby," as they didn't just think of the egg as an object, so they decided wanted on a gender neutral name for the egg so it could work for either, eventually deciding on Avery

Emma has anxiety about accidentally hurting her small friends, sometimes causing nightmares and makes her want to distance herself from them

Emma doesn't like being upside down (she learned this when she accidentally shrunk herself down to borrower size and Avery accidentally picked her up upside down in a panic)

After buying new clothes, Sofia often sets her head on her bed then does a small fashion show to see how it looks on her- she finds it's one of the few benefits of being a dullahan

Clementine LOVES mind puzzles and being able to problem solve, anything that poses a challenge excites her

Sofia often carries her pet snake on her shoulders, wearing her ball python as a boa

Avery loves sour candy, Emma prefers chocolate, Clementine likes m&ms and small candies that can be eaten while studying, also she considers grass and raisins a candy, something that is a debate amongst her friends, Sofia likes gummies, Andie likes candy bars, and Andy likes hard candies, Pond doesn't eat, so she can't eat candy, but would absolutely love chocolate covered almonds if she could taste them

Pond can do impressions- she often likes to mimic Avery and Andie because she finds accents funny, for some reason? She doesn't really know what it is about them, she just finds them hilarious

Emma is determined to find a way to hug Pond, she will hug water, she'll figure it out someday...

Out of all their friends, Emma only trusts herself to help Avery when she really needs it. It's not that she doesn't trust anyone else, it's just that, well, she doesn't think her friends can handle it. Emma's little brother Aaron has a lot of the same struggles as Avery, so Emma's a little more knowledgeable and understanding than the others. Not to say that the others aren't understanding, but they're often confused or flustered or even scared of Averys behavior sometimes, whereas Emma sees her struggling and attempts to help. The others can't do much most of the time, whereas Emma can help her out by giving her a small squish to help her decompress, put her in her pocket when she needs to be alone, she's scared, upset, tired, etc.,and knows how to talk to her to help her calm down, and she's good at figuring out what it is that she needs/wants when she gets too elevated and is panicking and/or shutting down

[fantastic-secrets]

Butterfly Wings [1]

Fandom: Bleach

Summary: "Have you ever wondered what would happen if you tore off a butterfly's wings? Do you think it would crawl on the ground, struggling to survive? Or would it just die slowly, deprived of its freedom?"

When Gin joins the Fifth Division of the Gotei 13 to keep an eye on Aizen and carry out his revenge, the Vice-Captain welcomes him with open arms. Soon, they’re playing a game of cat-and-mouse, each trying to guess what the other knows and their motives. Aizen, in particular, seems to enjoy pushing Gin down into the mire, and for Gin, there’s no turning back.

Characters: Ichimaru Gin, Aizen Sousuke

Warnings: Murder, Innuendo

Word Count: 1.8k

He wasn't unfamiliar with death. But there was always something different about taking a life with his own hands. Despite the presence behind him, he didn't move as he gazed down at the lump of flesh, composing his feelings. This was just the first step in his plan, and his goal was much too important to ever make a misstep.

The events of the evening had been carefully choreographed from the moment he stepped onto the grounds this morning. During the tour, he'd carefully paid attention to his surroundings, fixing in mind where the seated officers' quarters were and the ideal location in which to call out his opponent. Then, with just the right balance of flattery and confidence, he'd asked for a private practice match, fully aware that his reputation preceded him. The other man's pride--and his fear of having that pride dragged into the mud before everyone else--sealed the deal. Really, the most difficult part was making sure that he was caught by just the right person; anyone else, and all his careful efforts would be rendered entirely useless. It couldn't appear to be anything but a coincidence, so as not to raise suspicion, and despite his calm facade, his heart had been racing the whole time, until he sensed someone stop to watch them. Watching, but not raising a hand… not even when his opponent had called out for help in desperation, finally relinquishing his foolish pride as he grasped for life. And that was when he was certain, and he had struck the final blow without hesitation and with a quieting heart. 

So when his companion finally spoke, he was able to turn and greet him with a smile and a tone of calm indifference despite being half-covered in blood. But it really was strange, how easy it was to defeat the third seat. Even if his opponent had never seriously considered the possibility that a mere "kid" would really try to kill him, he had been way too soft. If this was the level of the Gotei 13, it really was no surprise that Soul Society couldn't even keep its affairs in order. So when the fukutaichou asked for his opinion, he answered truthfully, and not just because that was the answer Aizen expected.

"Completely useless. What a joke."

That slight smile told him everything: he had passed the first test. He had the resolve to kill another human and the skills to fulfill the task. Of course, Gin wasn't naive enough to think that Aizen trusted him at all with just that, but that would come in time. On the other hand, the fukutaichou was highly respected and renowned as a kind man; Rangiku had gushed about how lucky he was to have been accepted into the Fifth Company and the importance of making a good impression on his superiors. At the time, Gin had reassured her that that was exactly what he intended to do.

"Ichimaru-kun, I would like you to be my subordinate."

Still grinning, Gin tilted his head as though he was puzzled by the statement. "Ain't I already, though, Aizen-fukutaichou? I'm part'a the Fifth Company like ya, right? 'less you're saying ya think I wanna fight ya for yer seat, or the taichou's. I ain't that good."

"Not yet, but perhaps in the future," Aizen agreed, favoring him with another smile that said he saw right through Gin's innocent charade. "Now, wash up and go back to bed. I'll take care of the cleanup here."

It wasn't until much later that Gin learned just how the fukutaichou had managed to disguise the murder as a suicide. But in the end, nobody questioned the situation when the body was found the next day, or challenged his assignment to the third seat. There was certainly some resentment over the fact that a recruit fresh from the Academy would be given the position, but everyone recognized that the so-called genius was more than qualified to hold it.

So like a shadow, Gin was often found trailing behind Aizen, always smiling and eager to please his superior. "A creepy kid" seemed to be the general consensus about him, and many seemed relieved that he had attached himself so closely to the highly respected fukutaichou, as if they expected that Aizen would keep him in check. But really, it wasn't as though he had ever been caught doing something wrong. He was just too clever, too strong, and too young… combined with his polite indifference towards most, it scared people. Both of them recognized that truth, and so Gin did nothing that would challenge that perception, because that was what Aizen wanted.

The only person who truly trusted him was Rangiku, and only around his childhood friend could Gin relax. Between his company duties and her classes, he couldn't see her often, but the brief moments of relative peace that they shared together were worth it. Although Rukongai had practically been a living hell, if there was anything that he missed about it, it was the way they had created their own universe together with just the two of them. He didn't resent her or her new friends, though: she'd always been more sociable than him, and he was glad that her world was being filled with color and laughter. But sometimes, he felt like her complaints and teasing were the only thing keeping him sane as his own world sank into the shadows.

In retrospect, though, he'd still been too naive. He'd never actively tried to hide their relationship from his fukutaichou, knowing that it would be a futile effort. Aizen watched the third seat too closely, clearly still cautious despite their shared complicity.  And even if he hadn't, he was clever enough to notice if Gin was hiding something from him and persistent enough to figure out what it was. So long as Rangiku didn't get in the way of his plans, she wasn't worth his notice… or so Gin believed.

Several years later, Gin stepped silently into Aizen's office, his usual smile affixed to his face as he greeted the other man. 

"Ya called fer me, Aizen-fukutaichou?"

"Ah, Gin. I was hoping to get your opinion on something. Please, sit."

Obediently, Gin lowered himself onto the cushion that Aizen indicated, puzzled. In all the time that they'd worked together, Aizen had never sincerely asked for his opinion on anything, not since the night he'd killed the former third seat. Would it be another test, or was it a sign that he was beginning to earn Aizen's trust?

He accepted the document that the older man offered to him, opening it to reveal Rangiku's Academy report. Carefully, he read through it before looking back up, with his expression as noncommittal as ever.

"So whatcha wanna ask, then?"

"I was thinking about inviting her to join the Fifth Company. The taichou is rather ambivalent about her, but she's your friend, right? I wouldn't mind putting in a word for your sake, since you've been so helpful to us."

A chill crept into Gin's bones as he shrugged, acutely aware of the fukutaichou's steady gaze under the lightness of his words. He'd expected that Aizen would be aware of his friendship, but this possibility had never occurred to him. He didn't want Rangiku anywhere near Aizen, not only because of what had happened in the past, but also since it seemed just as likely that she'd end up as yet another casualty of the man's charisma. Even with the experiments, she'd be safer elsewhere. Carefully, he considered his words before he spoke. 

"Nah, ya don't need t' do that. You saw her report, too. She ain't anything more than an average shinigami, so she wouldn't be able t' help ya much. I 'preciate ya thinkin' 'bout me, but she'd just get in the way here. It ain't like I can't see her if she's in a diff'rent company."

Aizen nodded, as kind and understanding as ever, though his eyes never left Gin's face.

"She's a fairly attractive woman, though, isn't she? Still a bit young, but she's got promise. Are you seeing her romantically?"

At that, Gin's smile widened slightly, making him even more inscrutable than usual, even as he shook his head. 

"We ain't like that, Aizen-fukutaichou. We were just friends, growin' up in Rukongai. 'sides, her other friends don't seem t' like me much. She probably doesn't even really need me anymore."

"And that doesn't upset you?"

"Would ya like it to?" Though the words sounded like a challenge, Gin's tone was as casual as always. The contrast seemed to surprise a chuckle out of the other man, though he caught himself quickly, holding out a hand. Obediently, Gin moved to return the report, only to be startled himself when Aizen grabbed his wrist, tugging him closer so he was half-sprawled over the desk. The smile slipped from his face, and his eyes slitted open slightly, revealing a flash of blue in his otherwise pale complexion. Bemused, he watched with wary caution as Aizen's free hand moved deliberately toward his face, tucking under his chin to tilt his face up.

"Your eyes are quite beautiful, Gin. It's a pity that I don't get to see them more often." Though Gin had tensed, he didn't resist as those slender fingers drifted closer to his eyes, tugging his lids wider and applying a gentle, steady pressure. "But I also feel jealous when I think that others might also see them. I'd like to take them out and keep them locked away, just for myself. What do you think about that, Gin?"

Slowly, the smile returned to Gin's face as he relaxed despite Aizen's terrifying words. "If that's what ya think is best. Though I dunno if I could be as good as Tousen-san."

For a long moment, the threatening pressure remained, and then Aizen released Gin, allowing the younger man to return to his seat and smooth down his robes.

"It truly would be a pity to lose your skills," Aizen agreed. Then, as if the last few minutes hadn't happened at all, he continued, "You're certain, then, that you don't want me to invite Matsumoto-kun to our division?"

"Prob'ly best that way. But thanks fer lookin' out fer me," Gin answered with an empty smile. Aizen nodded a dismissal, so Gin got up and left, making his way back to his rooms. Only once he had closed the door behind him did he collapse in a flood of relief.

He wasn't sure how much of his words Aizen had believed, but Rangiku would be safe. At least from their superficial conversation, the fukutaichou wouldn't extend that proposed invitation. His hand trembled slightly as it reached up to touch his eye, as though making certain it was still there. If Aizen had tried to rip them out, Gin would have let him, but that didn't make the prospect of blindness any less terrifying. He also couldn't shake the feeling that he'd missed something, in those long moments. He hadn't failed the test… but he hadn't quite passed it, either.

[thesimplyluxuriouslife]

307: How to Step into your Fullest True Self — The Way of Integrity, as taught by Martha Beck

"Your life will tell you the truth." —Martha Beck, author of The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self

Divided. Compartmentalized. Unable to give what is needed, not by choice, but by pure, sincere inability due to time and energy.

Martha Beck explains in her new book, The Way of Integrity, the word integrity originates from the Latin integer meaning "in tact" and therefore cementing the definition of integrity as "to be one thing, whole and undivided".

When we are not living a life of integrity, we are not being true to ourselves, nor the world. Now you might be thinking about the general and more commonly known definition of integrity - living by your 'values' or abiding by the morals society applauds of, but that is not what Beck writes about in her book. Instead, Beck looks at the true meaning of the word and applies it to each of us individually - a life of integrity is a one when you have aligned your body, mind, heart and soul - your actions, your mental strength, your true self - you set yourself free. In the introduction she uses a phrase commonly known on this blog/podcast - you achieve a sustainable joie de vivre. "You may not believe that such a fulfilling life is possible. It is," Beck states with calm, assured confidence and goes on throughout the rest of the book, speaking from her own incredibly challenging and terrifying and finally liberating life journey, indeed what she shares is true.

"No matter how far you think you've strayed from your true path, the moment you say I'm going to trust myself, I'm going to follow my truth, the healing begins."

Beck's book crossed my path just after I had officially and publicly announced a resolve to live my own life of integrity as I had turned in my resignation papers concluding a 20-year career in teaching public education at the secondary level. I arrived at my decision after more than a few years of hemming and hawing about such a choice being necessary for me to live fully in alignment with what I knew to be true in my heart of hearts, and as I shared in my May episode of the video series A Cuppa Moments (learn more about becoming a TOP Tier subscriber and discover more intimately why I made this decision here), it wasn't about running away, it was about running toward something I loved even more.

Another way of looking at the way of integrity is much like putting together a puzzle. It can be especially hard to rationalize why we should leave something when on paper and to onlookers everything hums along beautifully, but if the puzzle doesn't allow your nature to be nurtured, as Beck describes, when you are "rushing to conform . . . often ignoring or overruling [y]our genuine feelings—even intense one, like longing or anguish—to please your culture . . . you've divided yourself. [You] aren't in integrity (one thing) but in duplicity (two things)." In other words, the puzzle isn't your puzzle to be a part of. Having the courage to step away from something that works, even if we languish while others shine is not living a life of integrity.

"When you pursue a career that pulls you away from your true self, your talent and enthusiasm will quit on you like a bored intern."

The question we each need to ask ourselves is "Does the culture nurture your nature?" Pause for a second before answering because I would have answered yes a couple of years ago, but upon reflection, with more truths revealed, and after reading her book, my answer whilst trying to teach and write, is most certainly no.

How do you know if you are out of your integrity?

1."Your life goes pear-shaped"

Beck reveals how our inability to communicate civilly, snapping at people we love, letting ourselves be distracted regularly by rabbit holes on the internet, and on the health side - your "immune system and muscles becomes weaken . . . emotionally feeling grumpy, sad or numb." Focus and clarity — difficult to maintained, sickness is more frequent and energy is depleted. All of these 'symptons' are red flags your life is out of integrity.

Let's end this point on some good news: "Integrity is the cure to unhappiness. Period."

2. Living a life governed by the 'should's and 'supposed to' expectations

Living simply luxuriously, at its core is built upon questioning society, putting into practice critical thinking skills and thereby thinking well. When we think well, removing our biases and acknowledging the short-sightedness as well as true motivations of the culture we live in, we can think clearly and free ourselves from the pressures and guilt placed upon us to live a certain way. Even if 'your way' seems simple compared to significant societal differences such as announcing you are an atheist in a family full of devout believers of any one religious institutional faith, acknowledging your truth regarding your gender even if your family or friends cannot understand your truth, or standing up for a political issue which forces your family to confront their own long-held unconscious biases. Your way of integrity needs to be honored to set yourself free.

Beck writes in detail about her own breaking free from the 'should's when she speaks about her stepping away from Mormonism (receiving death threats for doing so), sharing with the world and her husband that she is gay, and choosing to keep her child who she knew to have Downs Syndrome (even though at the time, people she respected urged her to not to). In great emotional, yet step-by-step detail, she shares how she made it to the other side and because each decision was her truth, she set herself free. She stopped living the life she was 'supposed to' and stepped courageously into a life of integrity.

3. Emotional Struggles

"Whenever you lose your integrity, you'll feel your own unique brew of bad moods, depending on your personality . . . anxiety and depression [or] . . . free-floating hostility, itching to punch everyone in your office, familiy, zip code [or] . . . full-on panic attacks, especially during special occasions."

For me, leaving teaching felt culturally 'wrong'. What I mean by that is, teaching and being a teacher is held in high regard, as, in my bias, yet as much as it is to not be biased mind, it should be. So leaving a profession which society holds in esteem felt to already be making the 'wrong' decision. However, as Beck calls them, my 'wild beasts' of bad moods would arise in the weirdest of times. I knew something was not in alignment, but nearly all of my acquaintances, friends and even my mother, were or are teachers. So how do you have a conversation with them about leaving a profession they are already in and most sincerely love and have found their calling? In my case, you keep teaching.

4. Bad habits — can't break them

The bad habits could be an onslaught of a variety of behaviors ranging from less harmful to incredibly life destructive, but anything which does not constructively add to your life and the quality of your days is a bad habit. Whether financial expenditures, drinking or eating habits, relationship failure after failure because you refuse to have the ability to either see or change what needs to be addressed, such habits stay with us becase "when [you're] feeling fundamentally lost, afflicted by purposelessness, foul moods, and bad jobs, anything that stimulates the brain's pleasure centers can become an addiction."

I can thankfully say, I had a positive outlet for my lack of finding purpose in teaching: blogging which turned into podcasting, which turned into cooking, which became my pleasure and purpose and I am incredibly grateful I honored my curiosity to explore what this 'blogging thing' was all about way back in 2009. I don't think we all have to have horrible habits so much so it becomes painfully obvious to outsiders we are not on the right life path for true integrity, but what I appreciate about Beck's book is bringing to our attention habits which if we are being honest with ourselves, aren't helpful to living a life we sincerely love living, but we keep engaging in said habit because we need the pleasure, we need something to 'feel' good because so much doesn't and we don't know or don't have the courage yet to step off the path that isn't ours to walk upon.

How to return or begin to live a life of integrity?

1.Stop lying

"Here's the rub: if you stop lying, you'll eventually, inevitably violate the rules of a culture that matters to you."

Stop lying when responding casually to the question, "How are you doing?" Be comfortable with expressing your exuberance about the day or exhaustion. The passive, default way of living is not living and it's not the way of integrity. How we connect with others, truly connect, is to be honest. I find that our culture is more comfortable with complaining even though America strives to be happy at all times. It is as though we must not be 'too happy' lest someone either question what makes us happy or want our happiness, when the truth is, there is not a limited supply. However, most Americans are too exhausted to want to figure out their own unique way to happiness. Again, this is a push-back on culture, not the people living within the culture. Admittedly, yes, a culture is made up by people, but when we recognize we are complicit in any culture which doesn't wish for its people to find peace and contentment, we must question it. That is an exercise in critical thinking. And how we do that is by finding our own way of integrity and living it.

2. Knuckle down for the first step of changing your life - it will be hard

Be prepared, the first step, the first shift you make will be the most difficult and will feel impossible on your way to fully being your true self. But the good news is, it is 'steepest at the start'.

And in even better news, because you are stepping into your integrity, let that energy be your fuel. Just as it did for Dante (Beck's entire book parallels the journey of Dante through the levels of Hell in Dante's Inferno, Part I of The Divine Comedy) who because he wanted to be set free "so damn much" used that "intense wanting" to "propel him forward over terrain he doesn't believe he can cover."

3. Acknowledging and walking away from 'bad or disordered' love

"'Bad' or 'disordered' love emerges when people are well-meaning but mistaken—for example, when we feel loyal to people and ideas that don't match our inner truth."

So many of Beck's anecdotes are specific and clearly teach what she is introducing to readers. On this point she shares, "You might stop laughing at your coworker's crude jokes. You may come out as gay or trans. You may start posting things on social media that shock your loved ones. You may turn into some version of Rosa Parks, refusing to give up her bus seat to a white person." In sharing these examples, she reveals how quickly our lives will change when we step away from 'bad' love. And it happens quickly because while you've known for quite some time your truth, you haven't shared it with those who you've let keep 'loving' you in a way that serves their needs, but neglects yours.

4. Be prepared to contemplate returning to old ways (even if they weren't true to you)

Prior to deciding to leave teaching, I chose to regularly see my counselor, and I am grateful I did. On this point, she reminded me, after always checking in with me about how I was feeling about my decision (once I had decided I would write my resignation letter) that there will be mourning for the 'old misery'. In other words, the life you know and are leaving, you will at times - whether in your dreams or in different states where you are emotionally weak or exhausted (these times especially were when my doubts would arise) - seriously doubt the decision you are about to make. What is happening is natural, and it does subside in time as I can share now after having felt those moments of mourning for the known misery. "Studies in psychoneuroimmunology show that if we plunge too quickly into any major change, even a good one, our bodies and minds can't absorb the shock. We must give our psycholoigcal and physiological systems time to adjust."

How we give ourselves this time is where the phrase "mourning the known misery" comes from. And it is knowing that such a temporary state exists that we are able to better navigate through this time and into a life in which we are fully embracing our true nature. A few words from Beck on this subject,

"If you start honoring your true nature and find yourself missing your old culture, don't panic. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself time and space to grieve. Confide in loved ones. If they don't understand, find a coach or therapist. But don't think that missing your old life means you should go back to it."

5. A life transformed for the better

"Whatever you do to heal the world, it will replace [bad health, habits, moods, etc. - what Beck refers to as 'dark wood of error symptoms'] with purpose, happiness, vitality, love, abundance, and fascination that specifically match your true nature."

Perhaps this all sounds too good to be true, but simply the fact that you are thinking that is the hope you have unconsciously, that you hope it can be true. That it can be possible.

Benefits of finding your way to integrity and living it daily

1. A life full of "meaning, enchantment and fascination"

The world needs what you uniquely can give to it. When we each find the courage to honor our nature especially when the culture doesn't nurture it, we step forward toward a life full of meaning and we as well become uplifted and enthralled with the awesome life we have the good fortune to live.

Beck points out that thankfully, 'nature doesn't give up without a fight', so if you are doubting that it is too late, that you've waited too long, no it's not and no you haven't. The mere fact that you are still contemplating, wishing, hoping, wondering is nature's strength of hanging on until you finally take action to courageously find your way of integrity.

2. Breath-taking moments are experienced beyond what the culture tells you is possible

"Obviously, no one will have taught you how to navigate such wonders. No worries. You'll learn fast. You were born for it."

If happiness, and based on having read this book, I think more deeply it fits the definition of contentment, if contentment is something you could buy in the store and be promised a life of awe, wonder, peace, would you buy it? What if I told you it was free? I have a feeling some would question it must be too good to be true, but that is our conditioning when it comes to believing in how possible living well is. We have been conditioned to believe happiness can only be pursued, not attained, AND that only so many people are capable of attaining it so we must hurry up and chase it down, ignoring the present and constantly live in the future. But that is errant thinking.

The ability to attain contentment for free is possible because it exists within us each already. Our true nature, our true selves, has always been with us. We now just need to let it speak. In other words, let ourselves speak honestly, truthfully, and the world begins to change for the better. Not only for each one of us who courageously takes this step, but for all of us, as we begin to see who each of us actually is, how diverse and awesome we actually are and how to think well without unconscious manipulation.

3. A stronger you both physically and emotionally

As you begin to step off the wrong path and onto your way of integrity, there will be push-back, but wonderfully, you will be more capable than you might have ever imagined because, "Even if the people around [you] raise merry hell, [you] find yourself coping—more than that, thriving—more easily than [you'd] imagined."

4. A more peaceful you

The truth about feeling drained, emotionally exhausted is not necessarily the environment's fault, but rather that we shouldn't be in that environment. We are needed some place else. Find that and find your peace.

5. A life of inner harmony

True contentment, as shared on TSLL many times previously, is capable of being experienced even during the most difficult of moments and heartbreaking days and events. Why? When you've found and know what inner harmony is, an alignment of your true self - body, mind, heart and soul - you tend to what you have control over and acknowledge what you don't. You are living a life of truth in your actions, words and thoughts, and you are strengthened knowing how to navigate forward well, modeling and, when applicable, and you are capable, nurturing those around you forward as well with kindness and compassion.

6. Find your people who 'get' you

"If you don't walk your true path, you don't find your true people."

Ah, while I have met so many amazing people during my years as a teacher whether the staff and colleagues I have been incredibly fortunate and privileged to work alongside, the many, many parents who's love and tireless efforts to raise children in a world that is ever-changing, and especially the awesome students who through their natural strengths and honed skills, learning from struggles and finding truths along the way, my connection has been professional as I kept, for the most part, my writing life compartmentalized from my teaching life.

Once I finally began talking about what I love about blogging, which was only this spring (except to one, maybe two people over the years), a burden on my shoulders was lifted and I felt free. Some don't understand what I am stepping fully into and our relationships, even though respectfully colleagial, have lessened, but to others, we've had even more honest conversations than we have ever had. And this is just the beginning.

"We simply can't chart a course to happiness by linking up with others who are as lost as we are. The path to true love—true anything—is the way of integrity."

In order to fully and deeply connect with others we must be our true selves - no holding back, no editing, no 'hoping they like us'. When we are our true selves, it doesn't matter if everyone gets us so long as we let ourselves be set free, and that is what draws others of similar understanding and those who can see our honest and raw expression and who appreciate such strength will be drawn to, and those are the people you want to connect with. Those are the people with whom healthy, loving relationships spring from.

7. Balance

Yes, balance is possible (although our culture would have us believe otherwise, believing it is a skill to master, being constantly thrown from side to side, stressor to next stressor - don't buy into this myth!). In The Divine Comedy, Virgil writes something that 'stuns Dante. All these 'sins' are actually based in love. Sloth, greed, gluttony, and lust are simply unbalanced relationships with rest, abundance, nourishment and sex. We can err by either compulsively indulging or rigidly repressing our natural relationship with these things. This lack of balance doesn't come when we allow union with our true nature, but when we split ourselves away from it. It's misguided thinking, not natural behavior, that causes us to stray from our innocence."

Our innocence is our true selves. Our true self is found and experienced when we step into the way of integrity. Bravely doing so, courageously striding, becoming ever more stronger and exhilarated with each step.

8. Fulfill your long-term heart's desires

For this last point in today's post/episode, I'll leave you with Beck's words as she reflects on her own life journey and teaches us one of the grandest benefits of finding your own way of integrity, embracing your true self:

"As this internal shift occurred, life seemed to deliver more and more of the things I'd longed for during my life. I began to imagine that the universe works like this: whenever we humans long for something, the Powers That Be immediately send it. But everything we've ordered is always delivered to our real home address: peace. This is why we struggle for things in a state of desperation, they don't come to us—nothing works when it's misaligned. But when we return to a state of peace, the things we've 'ordered' can finally reach us."

— Martha Beck, The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self (2021)

The way of integrity is a path through and with life that makes you excited simply to envision it for a moment. You may breathe a sigh of relief and a smile creeps upon your face spontaneously each time you dare to think what you imagine could be your real life. I have been so incredibly excited to share today's episode with you because while my last day of teaching doesn't occur for another two weeks, the announcement has been made, the reality has been put into place, and a peace not-yet-known-until-now is already being felt (yes, moments of mourning the known misery creep up, but they are fewer and fewer, and now I know immediately where they stem from and how to navigate respectfully through these feelings).

Living simply luxuriously doesn't just happen and it indeed takes time. When we learn the skills necessary for living a life of true contentment, we can then begin to build what will be unique to each of us. The foundation of a fulfilling, joy-filled life, is to realign yourself with your true self. To conclude with more sagacity from Martha Beck on making our way to integrity, "Not because this path is virtuous, but because it aligns you with reality, with truth. Your life will work for the same reason a well-built plane will fly. Not a reward for good behavior. Just physics." Logical and simultaneously honoring the full humanity of each and every one of us.

SHOP Martha Beck's book The Way of Integrity | Amazon | Bookshop.org

PETIT PLAISIR

~Lupin, on Netflix

~Learn more about this episode's Petit Plaisir on this specially dedicated post.

PART ONE, Trailer (season 1)

https://youtu.be/Y3tVDKuORi8

PART ONE, Trailer (season 1)

https://youtu.be/53cCYOIOEQc

~The Simple Sophisticate, episode #307

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Tune in to the latest episode of The Simple Sophisticate podcast

[urghost-andurboo]

reflection on “objectivity,” oppression, and (lack of) social justice; from a white/queer/disabled social work student:

objective means “evidence-based,” but what academics mean when they say objective is:

“this is a fact, and you cannot challenge it without ___ (reading many badly-written sources, forming a written argument, getting funding for further research, doing said research, writing pages and pages, going through a perfectionist editing process, applying to be published and potentially being rejected multiple times, defending your work again and again)”

it is oppressive, i don’t have kinder words for it.

you can technically criticize any work and express your own point of view, but academics cannot, will not, and do not listen without the above work.

the people who science + academia makes decisions for are *not* the people who have access to academia.

black + brown people, people of color more broadly, immigrants, poor people, mentally ill / neurodivergent / disabled people, queer folks, the list goes on

these groups have less access to education and even less access to working *in* education and doing research, teaching, writing.

and these are also the groups most hurt by research and the idea of objectivity.

an objective world view, to an academic, is a broad overview of the world that encapsulates everyone’s experience. we can learn this truth, this objectivity, by studying it - through things we can physically see and touch and hear, interviews, surveys, recording measurements, making charts and graphs and using statistics. these pieces all fit together to form a puzzle, a complete view of the world that we know is correct because we saw it, we tested it, we studied it.

but this is false. objectivity, in this sense, does not exist. there is no way to hear everyone’s experience, see what people are thinking and feeling and doing, measure every part of the natural world, know everything there is to know about the human body. even if we could know these facts, the world is so vast that it would be so overwhelming that no one person or team could put it all together and understand it.

and, the idea that there is one truth, one way of thinking, one way of understanding the world is not only false, it is oppressive.

when people in power — scientists, academics, political figures, cops, medical doctors, educators — falsely believe that there is one truth, it opens the door for making decisions based on that truth.

these powerful figures falsely believe that they know what’s best for everyone because they “did the research!”

and that is not okay!

it is dehumanizing - literally disinviting many people from the conversation because they aren’t able to have a seat at the table

it doesn’t allow powerful figures to acknowledge mistakes - there is always a “reason” and a defense, a “let’s look into this and see what went wrong” mindset. decisions were based on fact not feeling, so there are no apologies, no immediate changes to help those who have been harmed.

and, the research does *not* take into account everyone’s point of view! “facts” as objective do not leave room for criticism, for responding to hurt, for predicting what kinds of hurt may result.

and, research will always lag behind the world.

the world is always moving and changing, things happen every day, and research cannot keep up with this. no matter how diligent they are, researchers are human, with limited time and resources and perspective. even with forward thinking and the best intentions, research takes an incredible amount of time and labor, and it’s hard! by the time a new problem is researched and published, so many people have already been hurting every day by this problem. it is not enough to research when people are living through pain and harm every day.

i don’t have a solution for this, i wish i did. i’ve been grappling with these ideas for years. i hoped that entering social work school, with my sensitivity and kindness and hopefulness, would add a helpful voice and solve some of the problems i’m seeing in the world.

but i don’t think that it does. i’m thinking about it compared to the police - the idea of all cops are bastards, there are no good cops, abuse and racism and violence are built into the system.

social work is not exactly the same, but i think a lot of it is similar. i am a social worker with so much self-knowledge and creativity and imagination, and i feel lost. i know that i have these good qualities, but i don’t think they are enough. i am not able to do a lot of the work, of reading and writing and speaking, because i am disabled. and if i cannot do the work, i can’t be a social worker. the system as it is now is not accessible to me. i want to help, i have gifts i know i can give, but i am going up against a huge, bureaucratic system with so many professional expectations that i cannot meet. just like all cops are bastards, if i were to be a working social worker, i would not be able to create change that is meaningful, long-lasting, broad, structural. my role would be so limited by time and finances and *what the agency i work at allows me to do.* the role of social work is ***incredibly*** limited. and, i think being in social work would also hurt me. i am sick and sad, and working every day face to face with others who are hurting so deeply, and not being able to help enough, is unimaginable. i feel so sad imagining it, i do not want that for myself.

and and and! social work exists within the exact same white supremacist, racist, oppressive culture that cops and politicians and capitalists do. social work is not anti-racist (at least not as a whole, not yet).

my experiences and thoughts are not valued in the social work world because i’m not able to communicate them in a way that academics understand and validate. at this point, i’m not able to change myself to fit. this means that... my voice doesn’t get heard. i’m not able to share my thoughts and ideas, my imagination and creativity. it doesn’t matter how creative and helpful my ideas are, if no one is listening.

i wish it were different. i am hoping one day it will be. but right now it is not, and though i don’t have a solution, i don’t think social work is the way forward.

general list of sources:

my lived experience with mental + physical illness, not being seen + heard by the institutions that have hurt me, or if i am heard, it taking months if not years to see changes

my experience being an autistic + adhd student: having a lot of thoughts and ideas, but lacking executive functions to write papers, and not being able to turn in other forms of creativity. also not being able to read many texts- they are often badly written so that i cannot understand them, and i was overwhelmed with the workload so that i didn’t have time to slowly digest. i was very overstimulated and anxious during my education, needed more breaks and time to rest but needed to be in school in some capacity for financial stability

my experience as an anthropology major in college- we often talked in class about the idea of objectivity, how it is impossible to achieve, and how power is reinforced through the lens of objectivity

the “critique of liberalism” from critical race theory - basically the idea that change through academics and politics takes too long. it is a slow process, and while the process happens, people are still being hurt. there needs to be change *now,* not when the research is published

fact i learned in class last year in social work school: it takes 15-20 years for social research to be implemented in the field

the idea of “one right way,” from a source about white supremacy culture. i don’t understand this text/idea completely, but my current understanding is that people in power usually understand that there is one right way to do things, and won’t consider/imagine/implement other ways of doing them. think about the persistence of capitalism, colonialism, war, bureaucracy, police, the legal system, prisons, electoral politics — we can see the harm they cause, but those in power will not give up their power to try alternatives

generally observing, thinking, reflecting on conversations i’ve had/witnessed about systemic oppression. understanding that many oppressed peoples are not given the time or space, or are too traumatized/hurt/in pain, to express what is going on for them. thinking about how even when oppressed people do express these feelings, they are often unheard because dominant groups are angry and defensive, hostile. and even with the best intentions, how can we help, if we can’t understand?

[cosplayinamerica]

COSPLAY WIP : firespunalchemy

When I decided it was time to tackle Umi Ryuuzaki from Magic Knight Rayearth, I knew this would be my first major build and I needed to do some serious research before diving in.

I’ve always kept a kind of to do list for previous cosplays, but I have about six pages of planning for Umi, covering each major component as I look up different methods and materials. I’d had the wig for her for a while, even styling it (it was a wavy wig I got from Arda on sale that I straightened and trimmed), so that part was out of the way, but there was still so much more to do.

Over the quarantine in 2020, I thought this was the perfect time to start with the most intimidating part: her sword. I found files on Etsy, and contacted a friend with a 3D printer since I don’t have one.

She asked for specifications such as layer depth and what kind of filament, which I definitely didn’t know much about, and was kind enough to help teach me (it’s printed at a standard layer depth out of PLA). It started as about 8 separate pieces that I glued together with a five minute epoxy around a ¼” thick, 52 in long aluminum rod (as specified by the files).

Then...the sanding began. I started with about a 150 grit sandpaper, working on getting down the layer lines and any epoxy that had gooped out the sides, working up to about 800 grit. Then I primed with a sandable filler primer, sanded more, and then used a nail buffing block to buff and shine. I then used some Bondo to fill in areas that were a little low, before doing another round of sandable filler primer, sanding, buffing, polishing.

After one more round of this, I painted the whole thing with a grey primer, and started painting the blade with a silver craft paint. I started painting the handle, pommel, and guard before I realized the blade’s paint felt strangely tacky. When I tried to sand it, the paint gummed up, so I had to peel it by hand until I got enough off to sand the rest down.

Ended up sanding it all the way back down to the print and having to re-prime. I did one layer of sandable primer, sanding, buffing, polishing, and felt it looked smooth enough to move on to the grey primer again. This time I didn’t want to take any chances (or more time) so I used a hammered silver spray paint for the blade. The rest of the sword was completely painted by hand, with a gloss top coat over the gem sections, then an iridescent top coat over everything.

 After all that, I figured I’d start on a smaller and easier part: her headband. This is what I’m currently working on, building out of foam and foam clay. The reference art for Umi’s armor is incredibly inconsistent on the headband, so I’ve had to choose within my options what I want to go with.

I first made the wing attachments out of 6mm EVA 50 high density foam, cutting them out from a pattern I drew in paper then rounding out with a Dremel. I primed it with about six layers of Bounce from Hot Wire Foam Factory, then realized I hadn’t accounted for several things.

So I cut them out and sanded them down again, but this time in 4 mm EVA 38 foam, etched shapes into them with a Dremel, then added foam clay to create dimension. I’m waiting for the foam clay additions to dry until I can say this will work and move forward. Thankfully, those failed pieces serve as a great way to test whether this priming method is really what I want to use, since it’s kind of a pain to apply.

I’m also working on the gems for her chest, headband, and hand, testing out methods that don’t require casting in resin. I don’t currently have a large enough setup or the budget to get into playing with resin sadly, so I’m testing the classic method of hot glue as well as using a silicone mold with foam clay. Hot glue gem creation has been an interesting process, because the eyeshadow I used to color my test gem shifted after being exposed to heat and became much greener. With the foam clay gems, I’m having trouble with air bubbles present on the surface. So I’m trying out using some Bondo to fill those holes, sanding, then priming with Plastidip. So far, the results are promising!

Other than that, I’ve ordered swatches for fabric options for the body of her costume, which I’ll have to start drafting the pattern for soon. This is my first major build, so about 90% of what I need to do is something I’ve never done before (3D printing, making gems, making boot covers, drafting a pattern…) and that’s been a great way to keep myself focused and time occupied during the nightmare of the last year. I know for many cosplayers, 2020 was rough because not having a deadline meant they felt little motivation to work, but for me it’s always been the pursuit of the craft so I’ve just been slowly chipping away at projects.

But then my cosplay journey has been a little a-typical anyway. I first learned about cosplay when some friends mentioned wanting to go to this anime convention in Dallas, A-Kon, back in around 2005. We were all in high school so we had to get permission from our parents and my boyfriend at the time drove us up there (we lived over 4 hours away). He also made my first costume of Sakura from Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles, while I thrifted my second costume of Melfina from Outlaw Star.

We all cosplayed and went to cons together for a few years, but then life kind of got in the way and I spent about a decade out of the convention and cosplay world. PAX South in 2015 really ignited it again, and I’ve been cosplaying ever since. For me, on a very serious level cosplay has been a way to work through some gender and body stuff, as well as stage fright/anxiety.

But I also just really enjoy coming up with creative solutions to problems and learning new skills so challenges like Sogeking’s mask or Umi’s headband are great puzzles. It doesn’t hurt that I keep cosplaying characters few people probably even remember, much less cosplay, so there are very few tutorials I can use to guide my way and I’m okay with that. I’m here to have fun and re-create some of my favorite characters, whether from recent anime or obscure and old series (just wait until I make Sabriel), learning and making friends along the way.

[trillhouse-lh]

Mask

The Avenue. One of the most prestigious clubs in Great Lake City, a local legend in the nightlife scene. Those who weren't living it up on the dance floor mingled near the bars, combatting the pulsing music with casual conversation and laughter. The atmosphere, as always, was electric; to one man however, it was little more than an annoyance. Just endless, meaningless noise.

He kept his distance from the throngs of partiers, seated at a booth with a glass of scotch-Johnnie Walker Blue Label, at $65 a shot-which he sipped at slowly, looking out upon the herd with disinterest. Practically attached to his side was a younger woman, a blonde bombshell of the caliber that most men would kill for. Young, shapely body, luscious lips, tight sequined dress that left little to the imagination… and of course, a head full of air. She leaned into the man's side, checking herself in a pocket mirror and freshening up her cherry-red lipstick. Once she was sure she looked perfect, she closed the mirror with a snap and placed it in her pocket book.

"I wanna dance," She said. Her boyfriend didn't respond, nor did he give any sort of indication that he'd heard her at all. The woman frowned and gave his arm a little tug. "Babe, I wanna dance."

"I heard you the first time," The man grunted. "I'm not in the mood." His companion gave an almost childish pout.

"But I am. You promised we could dance…"

"Later, then." He said cooly. The woman sighed and crossed her arms, giving the busy dance floor a longing gaze. The man didn't care. He simply sipped his drink, his attention focused nowhere in particular. Most would assume that his pensive stare was that of a man lost in thought, but that was far from the case… he was simply existing, present in body but not in mind, barely even cognizant of the beautiful woman latched to his side. She was meaningless to him, after all; just another idiotic young tart barely out of high school, all too happy to leech off an older, wealthier man rather than make something of herself. She was no different from those who had come before, nor those who would come after. Good for a bit of fun and nothing else… to be used and then discarded once he'd had his fill.

A toy. Nothing more than that.

"Babe, come on," She huffed, giving his arm another tug. "It's a nightclub! Are you really going to just sit here all night?"

"I said, no."

"But I'm bored!" The young woman whined; it was clear from her tone that she was starting to get frustrated with her boyfriend. "I want to dance now-"

"Go, then." He said plainly. "I'm not stopping you."

"Ugh!" She scoffed and turned away from the man. "You've been a real jerk lately, you know that?!" She waited for a response, but received little more than a vague grunt of irritation. "...Fine. Fine!" She snapped, pulling away and sliding out of the booth. "I'll go dance by myself, then. Come find me when you're ready to stop being-"

"Won't be necessary," The man cut in, leaving her words to die on her lips. "You go right ahead and enjoy yourself. I trust you'll be able to find someone looking for an easy fuck." She stared at her boyfriend in disbelief, as though she'd somehow misheard the man's words.

"E-excuse me…?!"

"Do I need to simplify it for you?" He muttered. "I'm tired of you. Fuck. Off." The woman glared at him in silence, her body quaking in indignant rage. Nobody had spoken to her like that before… what man in their right mind would reject her? She grit her teeth and reeled back, her palm open to deliver a forceful slap.

The man caught her by the wrist without even looking.

"Ow!" The woman hissed, trying to pull away from the man, but he didn't loosen his grip in the slightest. On the contrary, he only squeezed tighter, so tight that the woman swore she could feel her bones creaking. "Y-you're hurting me," She gasped. "L-let me-" Her protests faded to a faint croak as, for the first time since they'd arrived that night, the man looked her in the eye. His gaze was cold, empty, devoid of life… as though there were simply nothing behind those gray eyes. No compassion. No anger. Nothing. It felt like he was staring into her soul, daring her to make a scene. Finally he let go and the woman grasped her aching wrist, shrinking back under his icy gaze. She lingered only a moment before her lip started trembling and she turned, hurrying off to God knows where. Not that he cared; he simply scoffed as she ran away, and with that little annoyance dealt with he turned his focus back to the crowd. None seemed to have noticed what happened, or at the very least if they did they knew better than to do anything about it.

With that, the man simply continued sipping his drink as though nothing had happened at all. It was nothing new, after all… he'd kicked far, far better women than she to the curb before, and he had no doubt he'd do so again. It was all part of the game, and it was a game he knew how to play better than damn near anyone.

It was also a game that he'd grown tired of as of late.

He'd learned from a young age that the world's pleasures belonged to those willing to take them. It was something his father had quite literally hammered into his skull as a child… in truth the sole thing he was grateful to the piece of shit for. The strong came out on top, while the weak were rightfully trampled underfoot. So he became strong. He rose to the top while his father fell to the bottom… meeting his end at the bottom of a staircase, his neck broken after the drunk bastard took a tumble.

A tragic accident, of course.

Since then, he had come to live by those words. He rose to his station. Money, power, good looks, women, he had it all. That which wasn't given he was all too happy to take. Those who challenged him would soon come to regret it. And yet, through it all, he maintained his public image… that of a legitimate businessman, gentleman, and generous philanthropist. Because he knew how to play the game. He knew how to get what he wanted, and was willing to wear whatever mask he needed to do so. As such, winning over brain-dead bimbos like her was child's play. And much like a child's plaything, he was growing increasingly bored. Perhaps it was time to mix things up a bit.

The man scanned the crowd, his lifeless gray eyes flicking between the offerings with little apparent interest. The club attracted a fairly diverse crowd, from young to mature to everything in between. Some were there with friends, others to meet new people, and of course there were those just looking for some company for the night… hussies, as far as he was concerned. He had little time for them.

...Oh?

The man stopped, his gaze lingering on one figure in particular. He could see her through the crowd, standing at the bar in an attractive blue dress and a lovely pearl necklace. She seemed to be glancing around, as though looking for someone, and as she turned her head he took a moment to study her face. She was a beautiful woman, not too old nor too young; her makeup, while tastefully applied, was just excessive enough that it was clear she had something to hide. No doubt she was starting to show her age and feeling particularly self-conscious about it.

Next, her body language: she was shifting in place anxiously and looking around, chewing her lower lip with a forlorn expression. She was upset, clearly. Her hands? No ring. Unmarried and aging, how sad. Her drink? Cranberry juice, from the look of it… not a drinker. Recovering, perhaps. Still, very peculiar for a non-drinker to be standing around at a bar unaccompanied. Perhaps she was waiting for some friends to return? No… she looked too upset for that. Nearly heartbroken, in fact. As if to confirm his suspicions the woman took out her phone and checked the time, taking another futile look among the crowd before sadly putting it away. Though his expression remained impassive as ever, his mind got to work piecing together the puzzle. This woman intrigued him. He would have her. And in a matter of seconds, he'd worked out how. With that, he polished off his drink and slid out from the booth, flexing his neck before straightening out his posture. As he weaved his way through the crowd, politely apologizing to those around him, his lips curled back in a friendly smile and his glare softened into a gentle gaze that made his cold grey eyes almost seem like a sparkling blue under the lights.

He put on the mask.

The downtrodden woman stared idly into her glass, lightly swirling it and watching the cranberry juice ripple within. She should have known this would happen… he'd been so non-committal when they'd set things up, but she'd been foolish enough to convince herself things would be different this time. Well, no point in lingering here alone… she may as well pay for her drink and head home to drown her sorrows in a pint of ice cream. She tried getting the bartender's attention, only for some red-headed seductress to call him over for another round. The woman sighed again and took a sip of her cranberry juice. Typical.

"Guy stood you up, huh?" The woman was snapped from her self-pity by a low voice beside her. She glanced over, finding a stunningly handsome man leaning on the bar. He was tall and barrel-chested, with perfectly-styled blonde hair and a strong jawline. Clean-shaven. Well-dressed. Million-dollar smile. For a moment, she was simply taken aback by his sudden appearance,

"I… excuse me…?" The man raised his palm and let out a chuckle.

"Sorry if I'm being presumptuous. You just looked like you could use some company, that's all," He said. "I'd offer to buy you a drink, but…" He flicked his eyes towards the cranberry juice, and the woman seemed to snap out of her stupor.

"Oh, um… n-no, it's quite alright," She said with a small smile. "You're not wrong. On either front, sadly." The man frowned and shook his head in empathy.

"I'm sorry to hear that. Can't say I haven't been there myself…" He muttered before that charming smile appeared once more. "Well, if it's not too bold of me to say, anyone who would leave a woman like you hanging must be out of their damn mind." The man shot her a wink and her cheeks flushed a light pink.

"Oh, stop…" The woman said, giggling into her palm. The man chuckled again. She took a moment to study him, taking in his chiseled features and masculine physique. He almost felt like a model straight out of GQ, the epitome of class in addition to his naturally good looks. Not to mention that he seemed to be an absolute gentleman to boot… and, perhaps most importantly, he seemed interested. She averted her eyes and took another sip of her drink, her cheeks reddening by the second.

"You know…" The man said as he pushed away from the bar and glanced over towards the dance floor. "I may not be the guy you're here to meet, but-"

"Yes," The woman blurted out, to her chagrin; she clammed up as the man looked back at her with a cocked eyebrow and a smirk, and cleared her throat before continuing. "I-I mean… I'd love to dance, if you're offering." The gentleman smiled and gave a small nod.

"It would be my privilege. Shall we, miss…?"

"Lori. Lori Loud." She said with a bashful smile, extending her hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you…"

"Chester Richards." The man said with a broad, gleaming smile. He took her hand gingerly and gave it a gentle shake. "The pleasure's all mine."

[ladyherenya]

Books read in December

I set myself some reading goals for the end of the year -- finish any books I’d already started, read the books I'd already borrowed, and to read ebooks I’d bought before buying any more. But I guess most of those books just weren’t the right genre? A few exceptions aside, this month I read a bunch of other things instead.

Also read: The Frost Fair Affair and Holiday Brew by Tansy Rayner Roberts, and Sweetest in the Gale and 40-Love by Olivia Dade.

Reread: Love Lettering by Kate Clayborn and Bookish and the Beast by Ashley Poston.

Total: thirteen novels (including two audiobooks and two rereads), three novellas, and three story/novella collections.

Favourite cover: The cover was what caught my attention for Finding My Voice and Old Baggage.

Still reading: Between Silk and Cyanide by Leo Marks, Or What You Will by Jo Walton and The Disorderly Knights by Dorothy Dunnett.

Next up: A Most Improper Magick by Stephanie Burgis.

*

Queen’s Play by Dorothy Dunnett (narrated by David Monteath): In 1548, Francis Crawford of Lymond arrives in France, incognito in order to protect Scotland’s queen, seven-year-old Mary. I enjoyed this, even though I am not very interested in the antics of the French court and thought The Game of Kings benefitted from having more characters who I found wholly likeable and/or who matter, personally, to Lymond. Dunnett is an impressive storyteller -- vivid descriptions, lively dialogue, nuanced characters and twists that take me by surprise. Moreover, those satisfying puzzle pieces explain the plots and intrigue, give insight into personalities and develop the narrative’s themes (here, the consequences of power). 

The Kinship of Secrets by Eugenia Kim: In 1950, four year old Inja lives with her grandparents and uncle in Seoul, while her sister Miran is in America with their parents. War delays the family’s reunion. This is a fascinating portrayal of two sisters growing up in different countries, and an incredibly poignant story about a family separated. Compelling, and beautifully written, and despite moments of intense grief, hopeful. I liked how, in the end, Inja and Miran didn’t have all the answers.. But I wonder if I’d have found the ending more satisfying if I had a deeper understanding of who they both were as adults.

Teacup Magic series by Tansy Rayner Roberts:

Tea and Sympathetic Magic: Stephanie Burgis recommended this novella as something similar to her Harwood Spellbook series and it certainly has a similar appeal: romantic fantasy, bordering on comedy-of-manners territory. Like Georgette Heyer but with magic and diversity and an intention to challenge problematic and outdated attitudes. Charming and cosy, like a good cup of tea rather than a frothy hot chocolate. Miss Mnemosyne Seaborne, a reluctant guest at a houseparty. She joins forces with the other guests after an unexpected abduction occurs. Entertaining, and even though it was too short for me to really become invested, I immediately wanted to read the sequel.

The Frost Fair Affair: After her previous adventures, Mneme has new friends, a suitor and a campaign: overturning the social conventions which prevent women from travelling by portal. After someone in Town steals her political pamphlets, she gets caught up in a mystery. I enjoyed this oh so much! I found myself caring a lot more about Mneme and her relationships; I liked the mixture of intrigue and danger, and how in the cause of dealing with these, Mneme learns more about the man she hopes to marry; and the Frost Fair, on a frozen river, makes a delightful setting. I'd love to read more.

Belladonna U(niversity) series by Tansy Rayner Roberts:

Unreal Alchemy: Oh, this is my new favourite! Urban fantasy about Australian uni students who are connected to an indie rock band, Fake Geek Girl. These stories are funny, geeky and romantic, with great chapter titles and lots of fandom references. They employ different points of view and different narrative styles in a way that’s really effective. I love the characters and how important and intense their non-romantic relationships are. Between them they have a variety of romantic/sexual relationships and feelings, but friendships and familial relationships, like the one between twin sisters Hebe and Holly, also drive the narrative. The first collection contains four stories/novellas.

Fake Geek Girl -- Ferd moves into the Manic Pixie Dream House; Holly and Sage argue about the future of the band.

Unmagical Boy Story -- Viola has feelings about her best friend losing his magic, transferring colleges and making new friends.

The Bromancers --  The band and frriends spend a weekend at a magical music festival.

The Alchemy of Fine -- A prequel about the band’s origins.

Holiday Brew: This collection is more serious and less overtly fandom-y than the first, but arguably still very meta (especially if you consider Viola, Jules and Ferd as a response to the trio in Harry Potter). I sat down intending to read just one of these stories -- and ended up reading them all.

Halloween Is Not A Verb -- Holly invites various people to their mums’ place for Halloween.

Solstice on the Rocks -- A short story about university graduation.

Kissing Basilisks --  Begins on New Year’s Day, is compelling, and picks up the non-band-related narrative threads from Fake Geek Girl.

Missing Christmas by Kate Clayborn: This novella is loosely connected to Beginer's Luck but stands alone. It's sweet. Business partners and best friends Jasper and Kristen pay a last minute trip to a client and get trapped by a blizzard, which pushes them to reconsider the boundaries they’ve drawn in their relationship. I liked the moments which showed that they’re an effective team because they know each other so well and can communicate through subtle body language. 

Finding My Voice by Marie Myung-Ok Lee: Ellen is a Korean-American teenager in her final year of high school. Her story is about applying for college, gymnastics training, Ellen’s relationships with her best friend and her first boyfriend, dealing with racism at school and with her parents’ expectations that she will follow her sister to Harvard. It’s very short, first published in 1993. I was aware of all the places where a YA novel written today would be allowed to give more details and to expand the story, but it was still interesting.

The Magnolia Sword: A Ballad of Mulan by Sherry Thomas: I’ve borrowed this several times this year, only to return it unread each time, and I was starting to wonder if I really wanted to read it. But once I actually sat down and focused, I quickly realised that I definitely did! I became completely engrossed in this Mulan retelling. It’s a tense adventure. I enjoyed the characters and their interactions, particularly the elaborate courtesy of formal conversations, and the way Mulan and her companions value loyalty and camaraderie. I thought this was a very believable take on the whole girl-disguised-as-a-boy thing too.

Dear Mrs Bird by AJ Pearce: In 1940, Emmy wants a newspaper job but is instead typing up letters for a women’s magazine and discarding mail from readers whose problems are Unacceptable. Frustrated that Mrs Bird won’t offer advice to so many women in need, Emmy's tempted to take matters into her own hands. Her optimism means she makes some naive mistakes, some of which made me wince, but it’s also an incredible strength. She's delightful company. I really like how much of this story is about her friendship with Bunty and I enjoyed the insight into women's magazines and the Auxiliary Fire Service.

The Lonely Hearts Dog Walkers by Sheila Norton: Recently separated, Nicola moves back in with her mother, starts as a teaching assistant at her daughter’s new school, gets a puppy and joins a group of dog walkers, who embark upon a mission to save the local park. This was very low-angst and, once I realised the sort of story it was, kind of predictable. I can recognise the appeal of this brand of realism, but personally would have preferred more humour or more emotional complexity. Were Nicola a colleague, it’d be easy to find things in common to discuss, but her story wasn’t quite what I was looking for.

Chasing Lucky by Jenn Bennett: When Josie and her mother return to Beauty to look after the family bookshop, Josie has plans -- keep to herself, finish high school, secure a photography apprenticeship, move to LA. But after Josie accidentally breaks a store-front window and her childhood friend Lucky takes the blame, Josie’s priorities change. I enjoyed this more than I expected to. I particularly liked how Lucky subverts people’s expectations, and how Josie’s family works at communicating better with each other.

Old Baggage by Lissa Evans (narrated by Joanna Scanlan): It’s 1928 and Mattie Simpkin, a now-middle-aged militant suffragette, lives in Hampstead with her friend Florrie Lee (aka The Flea). Mattie gives lectures about the suffragettes but realises she’s not reaching the younger generation. So she starts a club for “healthy outdoor fun” for teenage girls. Mattie is wonderfully forthright -- amusing, engaging and informative when it comes to things she’s passionate about -- but she’s also fallible.  A really delightful yet bittersweet story about friendship and loss and the opportunities available for women. I liked its awareness that being able to loudly be yourself is a privilege not everyone has. 

There’s Something About Marysburg series by Olivia Dade:

Teach Me: Rose is unimpressed -- not only must she share her classroom with the new history teacher, he’s been given her Honors World History class. There’s something particularly satisfying about people who have been hurt and lonely finding support and love in each other. I like that they get to know each other over many months. I like Martin’s relationship with his teenage daughter and Rose’s relationship with her ex’s parents is so touching that one scene made me cry. And it was interesting seeing the US school system from the perspective of experienced teachers; I appreciated the details about their jobs.

Sweetest in the Gale: a Marysburg story collection contains three novellas about couples in their forties.

Sweetest in the Gale -- Griff is worried when Candy, a fellow English teacher, returns for the new school year uncharacteristically sombre and subdued. A really sweet romance about people who are navigating loss and grief.

Unraveled -- Maths teacher Simon is assigned to observe and mentor the new art teacher, Poppy. I enjoyed the threads of mystery.

Cover Me -- After a concerning mammogram result, Elizabeth marries an old friend so she’s covered by his health insurance. Predictable as anything, but that made it a safe position from which to explore serious and sobering topics.

40-Love: I’m not interested in tennis or holiday resorts; I was disappointed that this novel wouldn’t show Tess being an assistant principal; and even though some of my favourite fictional couples have a significant age-gap, I’m wary about age-gap romances (and socially-programmed to think it’s odd for a woman to date a much younger guy). But I liked the other stories in this series and I was curious. It’s Not really My Cup of Tea, but I was convinced that Tess and Lucas were both capable of making their (somewhat unconventional) relationship work. An interesting exercise in challenging my social-programming.

The Viscount Who Loved Me by Julia Quinn: After watching Bridgerton (not always to my tastes but mostly fun), curiosity prompted me to read the opening of the second novel, and I was so entertained by Kate Sheffield verbally sparring with the viscount, whom Kate is determined to prevent from marrying her younger sister. I continued to be entertained up until the viscount acts a bit too entitled on his wedding night (that’s unattractive, if outrightly problematic). Which left me in rather an uncharitable mood for the final act, so I can’t identify if the drama of dealing with past traumas didn’t meet the standard of the earlier comedy or if I just hold such scenes to differing standards.