#i literally feel sick all the time i can't sleep the last few times i've tried to eat anything i feel like throwing it up

[yuribalisms]

promise this is my last time bitching about all of this ignore it but

[violetrainbow412-blog]

Hi, I was wondering if you still accept requests because I read your Wonka fics and find them very cute and wanted to ask if I could also make a request. And that is that the reader has sleep problems and asks Willy finally what she can do about it as soon as she no longer knows what to do and he makes a certain chocolate for her so that she can sleep better again? (Something fluffy please) Thank you!

A sweet remedy [W. W]

Willy Wonka x fem!reader

word count: 1.2k

note: I'm sorry it took me so long, these weeks I was covering a full shift and with the holidays I barely had time to do anything, but I'm back now! And I hope you like it

taglist: @dyieying @reallysparklychaos [Timothée masterlist]

While you were scrubbing one of the most difficult sheets you had had to wash during the day you felt your eyelids begin to close, at first little by little, and at times completely. It wasn't until you fell against the tub full of soapy water and stood up with a scream at the temperature that you realized you really had a problem.

"What happened? Are you okay?" Piper asked, immediately approaching while you struggled to keep the detergent from getting into your eyes and mouth.

“Yes, everything is fine,” you lied. Everyone had already gathered around you and shame was taking over your body. “I just… I slipped"

“Here's a towel,” said a familiar and loving voice, which belonged to your recent but quite dear friend.

Willy approached you and wrapped the towel around you, carefully, while he helped you clean your face. Once you could see more clearly you noticed that everyone seemed worried and you honestly didn't blame them. Your face reflected the lack of sleep you had had during the last few weeks, coming from a previously unknown cause. The only thing you knew was that the insomnia was literally killing you.

"Are you sure you are alright?" now Abacus murmured. You nodded again and smiled at everyone, imploring them to let the moment pass.

When you were dry enough you continued with your tasks, but you could feel your friend's dissatisfied gaze from across the room, as if he were the only one unwilling to ignore your recent strange behaviors: you were distracted, you seemed to leave mentally out of nowhere and this wasn't the first incident where you practically passed out on a dangerous surface.

At some point you had to carry a cart of sheets to the drying area and that's when he hurried to follow you.

“Let me help you,” he exclaimed, smiling in your direction as he held the cart you were pushing.

“I'm fine,” you said, to reassure him, because you knew that he had approached you to monitor your mood.

One by one you took out the sheets and began to put them in the dryer. The process would take a while, so you guys had a few minutes to chat, after all you knew the others wouldn't mind.

You leaned against the old machine, feeling the vibration on your lower back, and he did the same. The distance was so close that your hip was touching his, turning any conversation into a private one.

“Are you sick or something? We can get a doctor, if so”

“I'm sick, but I don't think it's that kind of illness,” you sighed.

"What do you mean?"

It was useless to keep hiding things from him, and who knows... that ingenious mind might even find a solution.

“I can't sleep, Willy. I don't understand why I can't, but I've had problems with that. I think it's called insomnia, or something like that” you began to explain, crossing your arms as if you wanted to protect yourself from the vulnerability “And it's horrible and it makes me feel stupid. I mean, who can't do something as easy as sleep?”

“Sometimes I don't get it either. There is nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Yes, I know, but…” you started moving your hands in the air, trying to find the right words to express yourself, “it's different. And I don't know what to do anymore, I can't sleep during the day because we work and I honestly feel like I'm going to collapse at any moment.”

Even though he was listening to you attentively, he didn't know how to respond for a moment.

“Do you think I look very bad?” you continued “You know, like… physically?”

“No, I think you look beautiful,” he replied, without thinking too much about it. “Maybe there's a little more pigmentation here…” his thumb slid under your eyes, in the place of your dark circles, and you smiled involuntarily “but nothing to worry about.”

You were reassured that you were still pretty in your friend's eyes, but you knew that the worried look on his face wasn’t in vain. You had to do something about it.

“Perhaps among your curiosities you have some chocolate that helps me sleep?” you joked, speaking only to the air.

But on his face you saw that expression of machination that suddenly emerged, almost as if a light bulb appeared over his head at the idea that was going through his head.

"Not yet. But it's an excellent idea."

“Oh, I wasn't serious…”

“But it’s brilliant,” he interrupted you. The dryer stopped and you knew the drying cycle was over, as should your conversation “Give me some time and you can sleep like a baby, I promise.”

That was perhaps his favorite thing: making promises. And of course, comply with them.

You wanted to answer him something, but a yawn preceded you and the man simply laughed at the irony of the moment.

“I guess I can't refuse now, can I?”

“As soon as I manage to do it, you will have it in your hands,” he said, excited.

With that the talk ended and you began to hang the clothes on a rope, returning to the day's work, but now with a better spirit in the hope that Willy could help you get what you wanted so much.

"Special delivery?" someone knocked on your door. You were like every night, just curled up in bed to hope for the best.

Willy was holding a small purple box with a red bow, which judging by the excited smile your friend had, you assumed was the remedy for your illness.

"It will work?"

“I hope so,” he said, entering your room to sit next to you on the mattress. “I'll stay here for a few minutes to make sure you can sleep and then I'll leave, is that okay with you?”

“It's excellent,” you answered nervously, while you took the candy that your friend had made especially for you. It was shaped like a small moon and glowed inside. “What is it made of?”

“I'll tell you in the morning, when you wake up.”

His feet moved slightly, showing his excitement, and that seemed to rub off on you. Glory seemed so close and you could reach it with a couple of bites, but before that you leaned down to wrap the boy in a hug.

“Thank you for trying this for me. I know it will work, but… even if it doesn't work, you know I appreciate it.”

“Don't say that, it will work” he replied, with complete confidence.

Without further ado, you put the candy in your mouth and tasted it. You couldn't identify any ingredients, but it tasted delicious and cozy, somehow. Although you wanted to compliment your friend's work just a second after the candy had melted on your tongue, you were already feeling how everything around you was becoming heavy, as if the accumulated fatigue had hit you suddenly.

You were already unconscious when Willy trapped you in his arms and laid you carefully on the bed, completely happy to see that his creation had had such an immediate effect. As a farewell, he covered you with a sheet and kissed your forehead, going to his room to recreate an entire jar of chocolates that would ensure your rest for long enough.

[shearlin]

Hot take about Sky angst, regarding the curse of Demise, because I haven't seen anyone talking about this possibility in all those years I've been in LU fandom.

Guys...

Sky has no idea about the curse

Because think about it. Why would he know about it?

My man has been electrocuted multiple times, with magical - basically divine - lightnings in attempt to defeat Demise. All the while fighting for his life with a literal GOD OF EVIL, after spending an entire afternoon fighting an army of monsters and a Demon Lord/creepy ass Sword Spirit. Not even mentioning how worried sick he must have been that entire time, if this time he was also too late too save Zelda.

(always too late too slow not enough and late late late)

I don't know about you, but I don't think he was in any state of body or mind to listen to some dudes last words, when he had to focus on not passing out because he has to make sure Zelda/Sun is alright.

(It got a bit long so rest of the rant under the cut)

Fi gave him clear, that Demise received a mortal blow and that now it's only a matter of time until he dies and that was all Sky needed to stop paying any attention.

Just go through the motions. His vision is blurry, but that's alright just stay awake. Fi chimes to rise his sword. He does. There is some black smoke suddenly surrounding him, but Fi get's rid of it with her light so it's fine. It's probably why she asked him to rise her skyward. The last fifteen minutes he's been following her directions nearly blindly anyway, because his mind is still foggy, he's not sure where he is or what he is doing he just have to get to Zelda.

And then she's there. And everything is fine.

Impa fades, Fi sleeps and he finally rests. Or rather crashes as the exhaustion finally catches up to him.

But he recovers, as best as he can, and live on.

And then eight other heroes, just like him, appear and take him on a quest across the time. They become friends. Then brothers. Soon he feels like they knew each other their entire lives and can't imagine how he can move on after the inevitable goodbyes.

He is so happy that no matter what, there will always be someone among his people, someone from or even outside of Hyrule, to stand up against evil, no matter how many times it will try to show it's ugly face. He's a bit bummed that there even is a need for a hero to show up, but hey! He is not so naive to think people are and always will be only good. Things happen. Some people are just terrible, and some take it out on the entire world.

But somewhere along the line, he starts to notice... something weird.

They all fought that same guy (some of them even multiple times!) called Ganon or Ganondorf. And while he is overjoyed that none of them even heard the name of Demise, he feels kind of singled out. Few of them mentioned an idea of reincarnation. Mentioning Zeldas' connection through blood of the Goddess and their connection through a spirit.

A spirit of a hero.

He always though it was a figure of speech. A way to describe someone courageous who fulfills the quota of being a hero.

But it's not about a spirit of a hero.

No.

It's the Spirit of the Hero.

His Spirit.

An idea begins to form. A distant memory he didn't even knew he had. Maybe nightmares about that fateful fight starting to get clearer by night. Maybe he spends some time talking to Fi and he does not like the feeling he gets from her chimes, even if she can't really talk in her slumber. Maybe he even prays to Hylia in some distant era in an unfamiliar place, so she can deny or confirm his suspicions.

Goddesses, please, may he be wrong.

Because he loves them all like a family. Because they are family. Because he has seen their haunted expressions and blank eyes, he has heard their stories and horrors they went through and nearly all of them were so young, too young, and the thought that he was the direct cause of it-

Sky had no idea that Demise trapped his spirit in a cycle of reincarnation. He had no time to process it or find coping mechanisms before the adventure with the chain happened. He found out during it, slowly putting it together and coming apart at the seems before their eyes.

Sky didn't know about the curse.

And I say, it could be really interesting to watch Sky fall.

(And if anyone knows a fic exploring this idea please let me know! I searched but couldn't find any)

[vettelsvee]

LET ME TAKE CARE OF YOU | Mick Schumacher

f1 masterlist

mick x uni!reader

word count: 1602

warnings: mention of period cramps, reader being sick, just fluff and cute in general (i think). use of y/n y/l/n

you can send your one shots requests here! feedback is truly appreciated! <3

University was not an easy path to tread, and much less so if you were studying Medicine.

Y/N Y/L/N sat at her small desk, curled up in her chair as she gazed at the plethora of notes and books from different subjects overflowing the tiny space. With her eyes fixed on a Gynecology topic, her favorite subject, she attempted to summon concentration, failing in the attempt because it was undeniable that something was wrong with her.

The truth was unquestionable that the Swedish girl wasn't feeling well because it wasn't just the stress of final exams consuming her: her period had decided to arrive that same early morning, greeting her with a strong abdominal pain that had barely allowed her to sleep; apart from that, just a few hours after managing to fall asleep, she was awakened by sweats.

In those moments, the girl was aware that she needed to stop because she felt exhausted, the headache was getting heavier, and discomfort was increasingly present in her body. All of that was starting to take its toll on her, but she couldn't afford to give up everything when there were just a few days left until the start of the end-of-term holiday.

Come on, Y/N, she thought to herself as a sharp pain made itself known in her abdomen. You're strong, capable of this and much more.

Suddenly, as if destiny were alerting her to take a break, her mobile phone began to vibrate, indicating an incoming video call with Mick.

"Hey, Mick," the young woman responded after accepting the call, her voice subdued.

Schumacher sensed that something wasn't going well for his partner.

"Hey, love," he responded sweetly, showing concern, "what's wrong?"

Y/N sighed, trying her best to hide the truth from her boyfriend, who already had enough worries as the Mercedes reserve driver to now concern himself with a simple ailment. She timidly ran her hand over her forehead, feeling the temperature starting to rise.

"Mick, really, it's nothing..."

"Y/N," the boy interrupted her, "you have bright eyes, accompanied by quite concerning dark circles. Have you been studying all night?"

Y/L/N hated that the son of a certain seven-time world champion driver knew her so well.

"No," she affirmed, "but I'm not feeling very well. This final exam season is killing me, almost literally, because the subjects are very difficult, and I feel like I'm not cut out for what I'm studying. And also add to that that last night my fantastic period started, and if that wasn't enough, I started to get a fever."

"Have you been to the doctor?" Schumacher asked, even though he knew the answer.

"No, I haven't had time either," the brunette responded curtly. "Please, Mick, I've been studying almost twelve hours a day for almost three weeks. I'm trying to study as much as possible, and I feel less and less capable of passing the subjects."

Mick nodded, understanding.

"I get it, even though I haven't been through the same thing as you, but you can't ignore the signals your body is sending you. You come first, and even though it's hard for you to accept it and deny it to me, exams can wait."

"No, honey, no," Y/N shook her head, affirming what Mick was thinking. "I've been trying to study, but all I've done is reread the notes over and over."

"Well, then focus on resting even if it's just this afternoon, okay? Don't worry about anything, your recovery comes first, darling."

As the conversation between the couple progressed, they began to talk about more mundane topics, such as the couple's upcoming vacation destination or the status of the boy's family.

Once they finished the call, and without much thought, Mick decided to prepare a surprise for his girlfriend to help her calm down as much as possible so she could recover as soon as possible. Therefore, he left his house without explaining to anyone and immediately got into his car, heading to the nearest shopping center.

With a mischievous smile on his face as he crossed the doors of the venue, Schumacher quickly made his way to get what he had planned to buy so he could pay for it as soon as possible and then quickly get to Y/N's house. After passing through the self-checkout with a large amount of her favorite chocolates, a bouquet of tulips, and a book she had been eager to have, he put everything in a paper bag decorated with kittens and headed back to his car.

As he was on his way to his girlfriend's house, Mick thought about the surprise and joy that would bring to Y/N as soon as she saw him standing in front of her door. The young man knew that, in terms of what he could give her, it wasn't much; but he was sure that what would make Clara happiest was the thoughtfulness and effort that the reserve driver had put into it.

After parking in a nearby parking lot near the apartment building where the girl lived, Mick took the bag and his nerves began to grow, although he walked towards the house with determination. Once he arrived, he placed the bag behind his back, so it wouldn't be visible at first, and stealthily knocked on the door.

"Seriously, if you're someone here to sell me an air fryer, I don't want it, okay? I'm a humble student living off scholarships..."

When Y/N opened the door, she couldn't articulate a word: seeing her boyfriend standing there, in front of her, was certainly not what she expected on that fateful day. Her eyes filled with joy, and tears even welled up.

"Mick!" the brunette exclaimed as she gave him a tight hug. "What are you doing here?" she asked, unable to contain her smile.

After finishing the warm hug, the boy handed her the bag, which Y/N began to open quickly and took out each of the items it contained. As she unpacked, the young man went to get a vase for the flowers so they wouldn't dry out.

"Can't a humble boy from a humble family want to surprise his wonderful girlfriend to lift her spirits?" the young man said as he spoke, while Y/N fetched a vase for the flowers.

Yeah, especially humble..., Y/N muttered to herself.

"You're amazing, Mick," the girl commented, hugging her gifts affectionately. "I can't believe you did this for me despite me talking to you like crap."

The boy moved closer to his partner, taking her hand lovingly.

"Well, I guess that's what you sign up for when you start a relationship, right?" he explained ironically, receiving a playful punch in his arm from Y/N. "But that's not all: I'm going to prepare a bath for you to relax while I make you dinner, okay?"

She approved of the plan because, after trying to continue studying, she hadn't been able to carry on. Her body continued with persistent warnings, to the point where she had noticed small contractions in her chest and even slight dizziness.

With Mick's help, once in the bathroom, she undressed as the water slowly but steadily filled the tub. As soon as the university student's feet touched the warm water, she tried to forget everything during those moments, which she successfully achieved by submerging her body.

Meanwhile, the driver started preparing her girlfriend's favorite dinner: grilled salmon with soy sauce. Despite having little experience in the culinary world, he followed a recipe he found on YouTube step by step, trying not to get frustrated and following everything meticulously. Since Clara hadn't come out yet and he had already prepared everything, he decided to find a series on Netflix that they had both been meaning to watch for some time.

Y/N emerged from the bathroom wearing only a bathrobe and a towel wrapped around her wet hair. If she thought her day couldn't get any better, everything Mick had prepared had immediately changed her mind. Mick just looked at her: he knew the girl was excited, and her eyes, though tired, reflected an emotion he had seen when he prepared these kinds of details.

"Come on, sit down, princess," the boy invited, pulling out the chair for her to sit. "All of this is for you, so just enjoy the food, even if it's not very good, and forget about everything."

Although her boyfriend was right and it wasn't by any means the best meal she had ever tasted, she appreciated the effort he had made to turn her day around; besides, the conversations, encouragement, support, and laughter they shared were the best she could accept from Mick.

After cleaning up the mess, the couple lay down on the girl's bed. Y/N rested her head on Mick's chest, and he gently stroked her hair. In those moments, there was no need for words or any other action to know how the other felt at that moment.

Y/N Y/L/N felt secure and, especially, calm, caring less and less about everything she had to study, Mick was aware that he was risking catching a cold, something that wouldn't bode well for his profession, but at that moment it was the least of his concerns. Minutes later, embraced by the warmth of the blankets and each other's arms, sleep invited them to join its embrace.

"Tomorrow will be a better day, especially if I have Mick by my side," wandered through Y/N's mind before Morpheus embraced her in his arms.

[reidbae]

DAY 11: Wind Me Down — degradation w/sub!spencer reid

KINKTOBER 2023: masterlist

summary: You've been feeling stressed out at work as you and your team battle tirelessly to solve a case. When you get back to your hotel room after a long day on the job, you turn to Spencer to help you unwind.

pairing: sub!s2!spencer reid x dom!fem!reader

warnings/mentions: vaginal sex, unprotected piv sex (y'all know what i'm going to say.), praise, degradation (obv), use of my love before smut and miss during, reader calls spencer "baby," "honey," and "angel," hair pulling, choking

wc: 1.6k

a/n: SORRY this was so cut off, i literally am falling asleep as i'm writing this LMFAO but i hope y'all enjoy my half-awake writing anyways <3

tags: @nalycandy @prettyboydrspencerreid @mega-kittyglitter-1

You were walking into the hotel room that you and Spencer were sharing for your ongoing case, shutting the door annoyedly behind you.

You and the team had been on a case in New York for the last two weeks now, and it was safe to say that you were already sick of it. Sick of the lack of progress, sick of the officers you were working with, sick of the pressure that was coming down on you and your team. Sick of it all.

It was 2 A.M., and you had just gotten back to the room after a date with the case, being the last one to leave. You tried to open the door as to not wake your boyfriend, who you assumed to be asleep, shutting it with little noise.

But it didn't matter, because a face met yours the second you walked into the room.

Spencer was sitting on one of the beds in the room, a book in his lap. His glasses sat on his face flawlessly as he looked up at you with a smile. "Hey, you," he said.

"Hey," you said in a bit of a confused tone, looking him up and down. You set your work bag down and crossed your arms as you asked, "What are you still doing up?"

"I can't sleep without you," he told you with a shrug, like the phrase was common knowledge. "So I just chose to read until you got back."

You smiled at him and shook your head, walking over to him. "And how many books did you get through?" you asked.

"Two. And a half, I guess, if you count this one," Spencer smiled, holding the book up for you to see. Spencer then moved it away from him, opening his arms up for you. "Come here. You look tired."

You quickly fell into his arms as he pulled you into his lap, your legs on either side of him. Spencer ran his fingers through your hair with one hand, rubbing your back with the other.

"You need to stop working so hard, my love. You're going to burn yourself out," Spencer said in a bit of a worried voice. You sighed, burying your face into his shoulder.

"I know, it's just—" you began. But Spencer cut you off.

"You want to solve this case. I know. I do, too," he said, taking the words out of your mouth. "But you need to think about yourself, too. Just—Promise me you'll take a break at some point."

You nodded. As much as you didn't like to admit it, he wasn't wrong.

"I will. I promise," you said.

Spencer pulled back to smile at you, placing a soft kiss on the tip of your nose. "Good," he grinned as he went on with rubbing your back. "Do you want to rest now? Or do you want to stay up for a bit?"

"Actually..." you said, trailing off with a smile across your face. Your hands went down to the hem of Spencer's joggers, tugging them before you even had time to think it through. "I had a little something in mind."

Spencer's face went pink immediately as he took note of what you were getting at, and he looked up at you. "O- Oh, really? And what would that be?" he asked, already knowing what the answer was going to be.

"You know how stressed I've been," you said lowly, beginning to press a few kisses to Spencer's neck, causing him to whine out above you. "I was thinking you could help me with that. Relieve me a little, you know?"

"Y- Yeah, I know," the genius stuttered out, pulling you closer to his body by your hips. "If that's what you want, then that's what we'll do."

"There's my good boy," you cooed with a smirk across your face. You didn't hold back from leaning in, crashing your lips onto Spencer's. His answer came in the form of his tongue, which quickly moved into your mouth.

You didn't waste time, pulling the white tee Spencer was wearing up and over his head. You ran your hands over his chest before attaching your lips to his again, moaning at the way his tongue felt as it moved with yours.

Sometimes, it was better to take things slow. Others, going fast just made it better.

And this was one of those times.

Spencer helped you to unbutton your work slacks, then pulled his joggers, and boxers, down and out of the way. The view you were met with was one of his long cock, that seemed to already be aching for you.

You smirked down at him, taking his dick into your hands as you shook your head. Spencer let out a small whine at the feeling, squirming a little under you.

"Already this hard, huh? It's been, what, five minutes?" you teased him, chuckling at the messy view of the man under you.

"I- I'm sorry," he said in a voice that was nearly begging you not to tease him about it. "You just have that effect on me, miss."

"Oh, believe me, I know, baby," you cooed, moving your hand up and down on him slowly. Spencer's eyes closed as you did. "I know how much of a slut you are for me. Aren't you?"

Spencer gave you a nod without looking back at you, holding back a groan as he said, "Y- Yes, miss, I am."

You moved up to your knees for a second to pull your slacks down fully before moving the tip of his dick to your cunt. You couldn't help but moan out at the feeling, your need being easily on display for Spencer as he saw how wet you already were.

"Y/N, what are you, fuck, what are you doing?" he asked in a confused voice, as several seconds had passed with him not yet being inside of you.

"Watch your language, honey," you said, pulling his hair a bit as a means of bringing him close to you. Spencer let out a small whimper, but didn't say another word. "I wanna hear you beg, baby, like the slut you are. Tell me how much you want me to fuck you."

Spencer's whines only grew more broken at your mean tone, but he was quick to comply, squeezing your hips as he said, "Please, miss. Please let me inside of you. I- I've been so good."

"Oh, have you, angel?" you teased him a little more, moving your hand down to cup his chin. You dragged him even closer. "I'm going to need more than that."

All the while, the head of his cock was still on your cunt, and as you moved his dick around even more, Spencer let out an annoyed sigh. "I just—Please, miss. I want to feel you so bad. I- I've been craving you all day."

"And what else?" you asked.

"I want to be your toy. I- I know you like that," Spencer whined. "Please, just—Don't leave me like this. I can't handle it," he huffed.

Feeling bad for the poor boy, you kissed his cheek, before whispering, "You won't have to, my good boy. That's just what I wanted to hear."

You lowered yourself onto his cock, letting out a low mewl at the feeling. God, was he big. Spencer's hands were on your hips again as you rode him, the both of your moans filling the room.

"You like that, huh?" you asked. You moved your hand up to settle on Spencer's neck, squeezing down. Spencer's glasses fogged up with his need as you did so, nodding eagerly.

"Yes, ma'am," he said. "Please, harder," he whispered.

You obliged him, squeezing down harder on his neck; Not enough to harm him, but enough so that he would surely feel it. Spencer's face was all the approval you needed to keep going.

"Look at how needy you are. How much of a slut you're being," you degraded him in a rough tone of voice, shaking your head. If there was any place to get out the anger you had built up over the last two weeks, this was the one.

You grabbed Spencer's face to turn it towards a mirror that laid above the dresser in the room. The view was pornographic, you on top of Spencer as you rode him, his lips wide open as a series of moans fell from it. "You see that, baby?"

Spencer shyly gave you a nod, looking down. "Y- Yes, I see it, miss."

"Yeah? And what do you look like?" you asked.

"A- A whore, miss," Spencer admitted, his cheeks flaring up in a blush at his own words. He turned his head away to look at you, gazing up at you with needy eyes. "B- But I'm your whore, miss."

You pressed kisses to his neck, your look one of approval. "Fuck, yeah, you are," you moaned.

Your high danced dangerously close a short while later, and Spencer, picking up on this, lowered a hand down to rub your clit to help you along. You buried your face into his neck, leaving hickeys on him wherever you could.

"Fuck, baby," you moaned out. "That feels so good. Keep going, just like that," you were saying without even thinking about it, your brain far too clouded with desire.

The room smelled like sex as you both came at the same time, Spencer filling you with him cum like he'd done so many times before. You lay limp on his shoulder as you came down from your peak, eyes closed.

"God, I love you," you told him breathlessly, wrapping your arms around his neck. Spencer chuckled at your words, settling his hands onto your waist.

"I love you, too, Y/N."

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reblogs are very much appreciated <3

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[melodygatesauthor]

Sick of people asking me "when", and I'm gonna talk about it...

If you aren't in the headspace for a post more on the "negative" side then don't read this, but I need to say something about this before I lose my fucking MIND.

The entitlement coming from some of my readers has GOT to fucking stop, and I'm so goddamn serious right now. You have me at my fucking limit on what's supposed to be a fun hobby. So here's what's happening, and I'm not going to be nice about it because I'm so fed up I want to cry:

Over the last few days, I've woken up to messages in my inbox that are all being demanding, entitled, and downright fucking RUDE. Some of you saying you're "disappointed" that I haven't updated certain stories or just saying "where is the next update for x story". Fuck the FUCK off okay? (This is in NO WAY directed at the majority of my readers. The majority of you, fortunately, are very kind and leave me such nice comments and I love you *forehead kiss*)

---

First of all, don't you think that if I had the update ready I would post it?

I don't get paid for this (a point that I will be touching on more later, don't you worry.) so my "payment" is the gratification I get from reblogs and comments. If I don't post, I don't get "paid." So just know that I want to post my stories as much as you want to read them. I think I speak for most writers when I say that. I'm not a fucking dragon hording my fucking stories and chapters in google docs and laughing while you all suffer. I have the stories in my head and I'm crying while I suffer because I don't have enough time to get them all out onto paper before you all start turning into nasty little gremlins over them.

Secondly, you demanding asking for more is not encouraging, nor is it motivational.

Again, I think I'm speaking for most writers with this. When you demand or ask for more, THE ONLY THING *taps megaphone* THE ONLY THING you're doing is reminding the writer that they haven't updated and it gives us a little pit in our tummies at our "failures". (a little note to my fellow writers reading this, you're not a failure, but I know it can feel like that when people come into your inbox like this, despite it not being true). "HoW dO i MoTiVaTe A wRiTeR tO uPdAtE mY fAvOrItE sToRy ThEn?" Well you entitled asshole, I'm SO FUCKING GLAD YOU ASKED. (Because that brings me to my next point).

Third, I'd be willing to put the $200 in my savings account and the change at the bottom of my purse on the fact that YOU HAVEN'T EVEN REBLOGGED MY STORIES.

Sorry, feeling called out? Fucking GOOD. I hope your pillows are warm and moist af on both sides when you're trying to sleep because literally if you're coming into my inbox, acting like THIS and then you have the AUDACITY to not even reblog my work? You're one of the worst kinds of people and I wish you nothing but the worst. It's the ONLY thing I ask for in response to my hard work and I'm sure you can't even manage that. You should be embarrassed.

Fourth, let's talk about how much money I make doing this shall we?

$0...I make ZERO DOLLARS and you are talking to me with more of an attitude and entitlement than a Karen in a fucking grocery store during Covid. Get a grip bro. Wanna start paying my bills so I can write fanfiction full time? DO IT, and THEN we can chat about WHEN something isn't getting updated or WHY it didn't get updated. Until then, shut your fucking mouth and enjoy what I put out, or get off my page. I don't care anymore, I'm so done being nice about this.

Fifth, I LITERALLY UPDATE YOU ALL WEEKLY TO LET YOU KNOW WHEN THE FUCK I'LL BE UPDATING WHAT THE HELL!!!!

With the exception of this past week because I've been so goddamn busy, I post a WEEKLY update letting my readers know when I'll be updating something. I have a busy work schedule, and it's summer, so there are lots of things going on in my life right now. I try to help mitigate the questions you have about "when" and "why" by doing this. What makes me annoyed is that you all seem to be on my page, noticing that I'm not updating and getting upset about that, but you don't take the time to look at the fucking information I put out in your face to avoid having to answer the same questions ten fucking times. Omg and for the love of god FOLLOW @melodygatesupdates FOLLOW THAT BLOG RIGHT NOW OR SO HELP ME. If I have ONE MORE person ask me about my tag list after reading a fic that says "I don't have a taglist anymore so follow @melodygatesupdates" I'm going to lose it.

So here's a blanket statement as to "why" I haven't posted whatever chapter or story you've been waiting for. Pick one of the options below because either one or more are accurate.

I'm working too many hours to have time for updating regularly so am only working on fics that are currently inspiring to me.

Another Adderall shortage so I'm having a hard time focusing.

I don't feel like it today, and despite what you may think, that's a perfectly valid reason not to write something.

I'm working on something else.

Something bad happened in my personal life.

My personal life got busy.

Going forward, for my own sanity, I'm no longer entertaining questions about "why" I haven't updated or "when" I plan to update something. 9 times out of 10 I'll let you know if something is going to be delayed or if it's not in my current scope of interest, but otherwise, just don't ask.

If you're nice when you ask, I'll probably just ignore you and delete your inbox ask. I feel bad doing that to those of you who are kind when you ask, but I just can't take it anymore, especially when I'm telling you right now that you don't need to ask me.

For those who come in hot like "why haven't you..." or "When are you going to..." I'm blocking you. Consider this a warning. Even if you come in on anon, you can still be blocked and I won't fucking hesitate. Learn some manners and then come talk to me, but until then I'm not going to entertain this behavior any longer.

I'm a grown woman in her thirties just trying to pass the time with something I enjoy, and waking up to this every morning over the last few days while working 60+ hours a week fucking sucks. So for my own mental health, I have to start putting my foot down. You're ruining my online experience and making this less fun for me.

Thanks for reading, I love those of you who read this whole thing and who AREN'T the people this post is meant for. You're the real MVPs.

[emetoniche]

Justin x Roan: Late Night Sickness

This one just kind of happened, no real plan when I started, so it's not nearly as long as the last one. Ooh boy, this one had me feeling so fucking horny when I was done writing it though. Good Lord, I need myself a Justin rn, just vomiting all over himself.

______________________________________________________________

Justin awakes to find his stomach squeezing itself into oblivion. Almost immediately, his body curls into the fetal position, arms wrapping around his middle, eyes tightly shut. He hadn't gone to bed feeling like this. In fact, he had fallen asleep with Roan in his arms, her head nestled into his chest, after they had had a particularly productive love session. But now...

Now it feels like something is trying to writhe free from his abdomen, kind of like in that one movie with Sigourney Weaver. What was it called? Oh yeah, Alien. That thought makes his stomach clench tighter, and he tries to push it away with little luck. In the bed beside him, Roan rolls over in her sleep, shaking the bed. The rocking motion catches Justin off guard, and he groans softly.

He turns over as carefully as he can, touching Roan's shoulder. "Roan..." he moans. "Roan, I don't feel good..."

As his fingers press to her shoulder, he can tell that she's in a very deep sleep. She sleeps like a rock, one of her rare but few flaws. Her shoulders are tense, like there is a rubber band just under the surface. But Justin is feeling worse, much worse. He squeezes his eyes shut against the pain, his fingers sinking into Roan's shoulder. His stomach is writhing. "Roan... I, don't... oh..."

He shakes her as hard as his stomach would allow, and she snorted in her sleep, swimming sleepily up from the depths of her dreams. Her eyes flit open finally, and she turns her head to look at Justin, still barely seeming to hold on to consciousness. "What's wrong baby," she mutters, voice raspy with sleep.

He can only whimper out a few words between gritting his teeth. "My belly, it... feels sick." His head feels like its being split into two. His stomach feels torn apart and he can't even speak without his face twisting. "My head, it hurts—but my stomach is... oh... I'm sick. Like really sick..."

Roan sits up, propping herself up on one elbow and using her other arm to feel Justin's forehead. Her face falls into a frown. "You're burning up," she said, forcing herself to sit up fully. "That's weird, you weren't this hot when we went to bed..." She reaches over, running a hand through Justin's shoulder-length hair, trying to comfort the sick boy.

As Roan's fingers work through his hair, it sends a shiver down Justin's spine. She is kind and nurturing and, well... she makes him feel loved. The sensation is soothing on the whole, but nothing is strong enough to drown out the feverish ache in his belly. He reaches for Roan's hand. "I need to, I've gotta go to the bathroom." The need to puke is overwhelming.

Shoving the covers off and standing up, Roan quickly moves around to his side of the bed, pulling the covers off of him as well. "Come on baby, let's go," she murmurs soothingly. She slips an arm around his shoulders, pulling him into a sitting position. Placing a hand on his stomach, she can feel how bloated and angry it is. It is gurgling so loudly and so hard she can literally feel the contents of it sploshing around. In the back of her mind, she wondered if he would make it to the bathroom in time.

As he slowly stands, a shiver runs all over his body. His stomach is a twisting, churning mess. Whatever is inside him is trying desperately to make an exit. At the moment, he can only groan with the writhing. Even as Roan helps him to his feet, his body is so heavy and the pain is so terrible. "Ooh, oh no... don't, I'm gonna..."

Roan tries to guide him to the bathroom, but less than a foot from the bed she feels his body heave. He sits down on the bed with a soft plop, fist pressed to his lips in an effort to keep the vomit down. Roan doesn't think he's very successful, and her thoughts are confirmed when a thick gush of puke flows from between his fingers onto his lap.

He's almost proud. Almost. There's a certain sense of relief in the violent expulsion that rocks his entire body. He doesn't care where its going, or how much of it there is. His nose wrinkles as he watches the puke drip down to the floor. It smells vile, even to himself. And there is so much more coming up.

"Oh, gods... no..." Another gush pours out in front of him. "Ahh, Roan, it hurts so bad..."

Rubbing his back and holding one of his hands, Roan watches the chunky liquid pour from his mouth in a flow of greenish-yellow sick. It pools in his lap, spilling over onto the blankets and the floor. "That's it baby, get it all out, it's okay," she soothes, still holding onto him as his body convulses.

As he throws up in a torrent, he barely hears her. His head hurts so bad. The nausea doesn't seem to let up, and he knows the worst is yet to come. He looks at Roan once in a while, his eyes darting around as his consciousness begins to drift. It is a painful drift, and he begins to shake even as his stomach empties. "Oh, Roan, it hurts! It hurts so bad, just... help..."

It pains Roan beyond belief to see her boyfriend in such a state, but there isn't much she can do about it. Ignoring the growing puddle of vomit, she scoots closer to him, hugging him and holding him steady. The vomiting has slowed to dry heaving, and after a bit its just a couple of empty gags until Justin falls back into her arms, utterly exhausted.

As he falls back, his head begins to loll and his lips part. He's so, so tired. Even sitting up is a great strain. He can barely find the energy to open his eyes. He must be running a high fever and his entire body hurts. His head throbs as if his brain is trying to drill its own escape; his stomach continues to be a sloshing nightmare, but at least its not as violent anymore. With a slow, deep, exhausted exhale, he mumbles a "thank you..."

The next morning, having cleaned up the mess and slept for the rest of the night, Roan makes herself breakfast, placing a couple pieces of bread in the toaster. From the other room, she hears a loud groan; Justin waking up most likely. She walks quickly through the kitchen into the bedroom to find Justin no longer in bed. The bathroom light is on, and she can just barely see his toes peeking out from around the doorframe. She goes over to the door, peering in, to find Justin sitting with his arms around the toilet bowl, head resting on them.

Justin groans against the cold porcelain of the toilet bowl. Whatever he ingested seems to still be wreaking absolute havoc in his guts, but it was no help that his body had lost so much sleep and fluids. "R-Roan..." he moans. He's cold, and his stomach is still squeezing and sloshing and twisting. He looks awful, his face pale and his body soaked with sweat.

"Oh, baby," Roan coos, coming up behind him and gently wrapping her arms around him. "Are you throwing up again?"

"Mm..." He whimpers as she holds him. His belly is still writhing, but it appears he hasn't thrown up again yet. He's just so... so weak. The fever has made him almost delirious; a little like the time he'd suffered food poisoning at his parents' house—but this feels worse. Much worse. His shoulders shake. "Y-yeah. I think—I think just give... uhh... me a minute."

"Ok, I'll be right here, I promise," Roan replies, squeezing his shoulder gently.

"C-can you help?" Justin moans, giving her a plaintive look.

"Of course, sweetheart." Roan wraps her arms around him from behind, placing her hands on his stomach. She can feel it rumbling under her touch, and she presses lightly on it. Justin gags at the pressure, an empty gag, but not by much. A bit more pressure on his stomach, and he heaves a guttural burp, bile spewing from his mouth. Another enormous burp, and more bile, spotted with bits of last night's dinner that hadn't come up the first time.

Justin's entire back stiffens as he burps and spews. The pressure has clearly been too much for a body already experiencing so much pain; it sets off a new round of gags. His mouth and eyes fill with the taste of sour, fetid puke. He groans as the pain sets in. "Oh, f—!"

Roan feels a bit sorry for applying the pressure, given it gave him so much pain, but she knew that in the long run it would be better to get rid of his stomach contents as quickly as possible.

The pressure had been awful, almost like an immediate burst of severe pain, but the subsequent wave is so much worse. Justin gasps for air as he finishes his heaving into the toilet bowl. It sounds so painful... but he feels so, so much better for it. "Oh... man... oh gods. Thank you. Thank you..."

Roan rests her head on his back, cuddling him. She can't help but to feel a small burst of pleasure with the feeling of taking care of him. Never a burden for her. Once she gets him back in bed, she stays beside him for a while, forgetting about her breakfast entirely. Just Justin for now, that's all that matters to her. After the pain had eased a bit, Justin's body seems to finally give in to the fatigue he'd felt from the initial fever. He's so warm and so tired, but Roan seems to be a calming force over his body. He reaches up and places a hand on her cheek, before slowly, almost reluctantly, drifting off to sleep. She can just barely hear his last words as he drifts off. "I love you, Roan..."

[writingseaslugs]

I'm alive...kinda?

So it's been a while huh? Since the end of March actually, since I last posted anything. Which sucks because it was literally right after I was super excited to do a collab with a friend, as well as my plans for getting content out! So what happened you may ask (and I'm referring to the lovely people who are in my inbox asking and being concerned, I'm so sorry for worrying ya). Well, let me tell you!

Health.

Sucks.

So here's a quick TW because I'm going to go into detail about everything that's happened since the last time I was here under the cut. This includes both issues with eating (involuntary), as well as surgical stuff. There will also be a TL;DR at the end of this post.

So as I've mentioned previously (I think) I have chronic nausea. I'm almost always feeling sick after I eat therefore I don't really...eat much. Especially not when I'm working because I can't afford to be sick and have to go home (my job requires me to be on my feet, interacting with clients all day and I woke 9-hour shifts). So because I'm unable to get enough nutrients (normally I won't even eat until I get home from work, and if I do it's protein drinks and pudding during my work day), I'm pretty...weak most of the time.

Let me tell you, eating is so important to function like a human. If you don't you are tired, your muscles hurt, and there are so many other horrible things that go into it that I won't go into detail about.

My biggest problem with not being able to eat enough is fatigue. I am always tired and in a brain fog that writing is impossible. If I can even get the energy to open up my laptop and bring it to my bed, it's typically dashed the moment I open a Word document and can barely type.

I had maybe a solid good week or two a month back right after I went on vacation to see a friend (probably because I was able to eat regularly-ish due to not having to worry about being sick at work) however, like always, it was quickly squashed with reality and I went back to brain fog central, but I feel like it was worse this time.

I only had the energy to talk with three of my closest friends, and occasionally I'd have the brain capacity and energy to play games with one of them, but that's about it. I can't tell you how many times I had to cancel my weekly call with one of my friends from being too tired or putting off playing a game with my other because I just didn't have the energy to cross my room and pick up my controller. It was bad.

Most of my days off have been in bed, sleeping, and trying to eat. So it hasn't been great.

However, two weeks ago something happened. I had stomach pain. Which granted, I have had before. Not the normal nausea but physical pain that if you pressed on my stomach it hurt. I was even walking with a limb by the end of the day. It doesn't happen often but I'm stubborn and don't like going to the hospitals so I had always chalked it up to a "self-correcting problem". For years. Whenever this happened it would go away within a few hours (nine hours max).

So when I woke up the NEXT day and it was still hurting, something was a bit wrong. I called out of work because there was no way I would've been able to stand and made a small deal with myself that if it wasn't gone by the next morning I would...go to the doctor. I know, crazy that I was gonna wait to be in pain for nearly three days but I hate hospitals and I didn't have health insurance with my new job.

Well, this wasn't good enough for my mom and she convinced me to go. The only way she did that was she seemed concerned. Now I'm dramatic. Very, very dramatic. And also a bit of a hypochondriac so I always feel like when I'm sick or in pain I'm simply being dramatic and that it's not actually serious even though my anxiety is telling me I might literally be dying (the number of times I have almost passed out by standing up and brushed it off, or laid in bed and suddenly my heart rate was going off like I sprinted a mile and decided I was probably fine is impeccable).

So I go to the emergency room and they ran some tests and what would you know! It's my appendix. And it wanted to break up with me...how admirable. And apparently, it was way worse than doctors initially thought because I happen to have an abnormally high pain tolerance so when asked on a scale of 1 - 10 what my pain was I said a 3. Apparently, with how bad off it was, I should've been at a 10+ but oh well.

The surgery that they predicted would be no longer than half an hour ended up being an entire hour, and I got four incisions when they said I'd only have three.

So I've been recovering for the past two weeks and should hopefully be back at work on Thursday. Decided to make this post because for once I've been able to eat decent meals for a few days in a row since I haven't been at work, and my brain is actually working for a while. I'm hoping maybe it'll continue so I can start writing again (Writing Twisted Wonderland content is a huge comfort of mine) but who knows.

Maybe my chronic nausea will be solved and I'll be nice and healthy and be able to eat regularly. I can dream. However since I have had a lot of people in my inbox asking me where I've been and if I'm doing already, and how I've essentially ghosted several friends in the fandom since I just don't have the energy to message many people, I figured I should give you the explanation as to what happened.

I'm going to try to get a little bit of writing done today, maybe bust out a few requests. I'm a bit stressed out since one of my good friends is currently on their way to the hospital because she's also a sick bean like me, but also I know damn well she'd enjoy seeing some Twisted Writing so imma do it.

Thank you for listening to my ramblings! I love you all!

TL;DR - I got really sick and couldn't write and then my appendix said bye.

[izzystradlinswife]

I decided I would tell you guys this but I'll start out with a little warning I'm going to talk about drug abuse, od-ing, greening out and puke so I'd you think that you can't handle it don't read, this has nothing to do with rockstars this is purely information on what's going on with me. And why the hiatus

I've been having a super hard time lately, and it's not helping my emotional or physical health. My mom has been really sick lately (she's recovering now) and I have to help her with everything, cleaning her puke bucket, nasty stuff because my dad was being such an ass to her even when she's sick, like fighting with her while she dry heaving saying she just wants to get better. It was awful. I feel so bad, but thankfully, she's getting better now.

Me though I've been struggling with a little addiction that has been just getting worse by the day, I didn't really think it was that bad until today. One of my "friends" offered me a cart, which, whatever, I said yes. I asked what was in it and she didn't say anything until after I hit a whole fucking blinker that it had delta 8 and other chemicals, i cant really remember all that was in there(it was like euphoric blend or smt). Immediately I was panicking and shit (delta 8 is rlly bad for you) I hadn't exhaled yet but I knew that shit was going to be fucking awful. As soon as I exhaled, I started coughing, but like so bad, I was gasping for air, gagging, drooling, crying, sweating my ass off, and had the worst case of dry mouth in my entire life I like couldn't breathe. Finally, I got some water and calmed down a little bit, but I was literally in another universe. I was derealizing, and it felt like I was in a dream, I couldn't feel my body, my head felt weird as shit, and like when I say a dream I felt like I had no consequences, I was babbling, sluring words, no filter, and if I looked at someone too hard I forgot what was going on. In total, that part lasted for about 2 ½ hours. It was awful, then for another 4 hours, I was just dizzy and discombobulated but I was like fucked I ended up going to sleep for a few hours and now I'm just a little hazy but omg. It most likely didn't help. I was on an empty stomach like no drinks or food. (If I remember other stuff later, I'll reblog and put it in there for whoever wants updates and is curious)

Worst part is I would do it again, I know it's bad but it wasn't bad the whole time

Overall, I cutely greened out/od-ed

Lesson learned to never take delta 8 again and not trust that friend so much

Also call me a pussy idgaf but I was scared shitless

I'm most likely coming back to tumblr soon I just need some time to work on myself 😚

[scoups4lyfe]

Bipolar Essay PART 5

Ian's short movie (part one) open with a voice over and then the first song that plays, aka the introductory song, is SERAPH.

For me, "It's his last conversation with his God as he sets his wings on fire. In those moments when my world starts splitting, it's a question from me as to why it always has to be like this."

This line really **HIT**.

I have literally (in my online journal entries) written, "[God] Why have you forsaken me?" During one of my more debilitating episodes.

Because, ey yo? WHY does it always have to be like this?

Literally feels like we're a shattered teacup tossed to the floor, and now we can't be put back together ever again and we just have to constantly live with that knowledge that our own glass shards are what's killing us.

And yet...."So hold me this one last time" is the last words Ian chooses to end the conversation he has with his God on, and that KILLS me even MORE.

Because, same.

(Lmao. If y'all aren't religious in any sense of the word, you might just be reading this like 'PSHsht' but bare with me.)

God to me is all that is beautiful in the world. He is

hope.

And so what do you think it feels like to be abandoned by hope itself?

:/

Icarus is a very apt metaphor for someone with BD.

Not a lot of people discuss the Hypersexuality aspect of Bipolar disorder.

To the point that even I -- someone WITH bipolar disorder -- had misconceptions about it.

One thing that I never knew was that the excessive sexual behavior, thoughts (and what not) were compulsive and unwanted. "Seemingly uncontrollable."

I learned this about hypersexuality in a podcast, actually -- where the host (who has BD), and a psychiatrist, discuss bipolar things -- hypersexuality being one of the things they discussed.

The host even stated that he once called / texted his family that he was sick instead of going to a get together because he was so horny that he spent that entire day m@$terbAiTing. Like 20 times in the span of a few hours.

(Which isn't healthy, and def. something the psychiatrist said she would hear and go, "yeah. That's not normal.")

The host stated that sometimes he wasn't even turned on at all. But he still felt the compulsion to follow through on the act. (Y'kno, because its a compulsion.)

I don't think these aspects of hypersexuality get discussed enough. I was fr sitting there listening to that podcast like:

Not that anyone needed or wanted to know this, but I am basically aroace (more ace, less aro, LOL) through and through.

Unfortunately for me, I would suddenly have bouts of hypersexuality during hypomanic and manic episodes which caused me a lot of confusion and self-loathing.

Going from absolutely no sexual thoughts, interests, or desires, to suddenly a plethora of all of those things combined with a compulsion to complete such an act ---made me think of myself as someone disgusting and morally wrong on every account.

It was painful too because it's not like I **wanted** to do any compulsive behavior, or to think, or act on any of that nonsense, because I wasn't INTERESTED in those things. I never was! !!!!

Literally the only way to distract myself from that nonsense was hyperfixating on a tv show, book, music, youtube --anything to distract me.

Now -- you see why, "Hypersexuality" is so much more than, "wants to have a lot of sex" or "being overly promiscuous" 🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫 🦆

I feel like the statement "Entering an episode isn't easy" is rather redundant, LOL.

But well and truly.

It isn't easy.

What gets me the most is the uncertainty.

I don't know when a new mood cycle is going to hit. For me -- I'm a rapid cycler. Mood switching happens more frequently than I'd like.

My mood journaling makes this fear and uncertainty obvious. I never know if I'll go to sleep and wake up normal, or more "able", or if I'll wake up zapped from all of my humanity.

When I'm hypomanic I can feel on top of the world -- like I've finally fixed my life and from now on I'll do everything right. I'll work out and eat right, and sleep when I'm supposed to, and read regularly, and engage socially --- blah blah blah blah bLAH.

(You get the point.)

Because that energy never stays. I'll "dip" and soon all I'll be able to think about is the agonizing question of how anyone can stay awake longer than 2 hours without needing a nap.

Literally me after 2 hours of being awake:

When I'm in a depressive episode, I go from being someone like "SENKUU" from Dr.Stone, to straight up being Sleepy Ash/Kuro from Servamp. (My friends have also compared me to Shikamaru.) ....Not that this is anything important 🤪.

For this one, let me expand on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

OCD can be defined as:

"a disorder in which people have recurring, unwanted thoughts, ideas or sensations (obsessions). To get rid of the thoughts, they feel driven to do something repetitively (compulsions). The repetitive behaviors, such as hand washing/cleaning, checking on things, and mental acts like (counting) or other activities, can significantly interfere with a person’s daily activities and social interactions."

Source: https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/obsessive-compulsive-disorder/what-is-obsessive-compulsive-disorder

I bring this up because intrusive thoughts come hand-in-hand with OCD. For Bipolar you can have auditory hallucinations -- like hearing voices, and / or you can have intrusive thought trains that are debilitating.

For me I have mental compulsions.

Often my intrusive thoughts will either be (1) Unwanted sexual thoughts that are disturbing or (2) Blasphemy aka a spiral of intrusive thoughts cursing out God as if its in my own voice

--> These force me to spend hours of my time constantly saying "Shut up" and "Stop" in my head. Doing my best to disrupt or distract myself away from the thoughts. As you can imagine -- that kind of makes it hard to focus on things in everyday life.

I stated this before but sometimes I have to imagine myself fighting my own intrusive thoughts. Though like 0.2 seconds later they start back up and the cycle continues.

This one shouldn't be all that surprising.

Depression can / is one of the constant fears of someone with BP. As it always looms ominously on the horizon like some sh*tty tax collector.

Like tbh -- I'm on antidepressants and mood stabilizers and blah blah blah--- I don't care if the antidepressants are making me hypomanic. I prefer that insanity compared to the depression.

Do you know how much it fvcking SUCKS to have absolutely ZERO energy? To constantly have to nap, but it never makes a difference because like 15 minutes later you'll be just as tired as you were before, if not more?

FR I'm legitimately afraid of who I'll become or what will happen if I get off my antidepressants. Like....when I say "I don't think I could live" (like that) I mean it. And that terrifies me.

Closing up on this part of the PPT, here's (of course) the link to the short movie that these slides reference:

[Prev] [Next]

PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6], [7] , [8], [9]

PPT Essay Extras: (1), (2), (3), (4), (5)

Visuals of a Depressive Episode: (1), (2)

Journal Entries: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

[aplateoflasagna]

💙💙This is not a drill! TREASURE comeback is confirmed!!! 💙💙

I'm so happy!!! I missed our boys so much! 💎

The T5 release will be in July and the actual comeback is in August. That means there will have been 11 months between 2 album releases and that seems insane to me. But Treasure has worked so hard this past year, they literally didn't have time to comeback sooner. How do other groups do this? Straykids, Twice, NCT etc they go on tour but still have multiple comebacks per year. How?? Are they not severely overworked or is JYP, SM, HYBE etc just better at time management? (that might be it tbh lol)

It feels unfair to ask of artists to have a comeback during or immediately after a (world) tour, but fans see so little of a group during a tour that it feels as if they weren't doing anything (no new music or big promotions etc)

For example Blackpink has been on tour since oktober 2022 and it will last at least until August 2023. That's almost a full year of touring! Jisoo had her solo debut and they did Coachella and they will perform at Hyde Park.

Right now everyone is saying that they deserve a break, Jennie performed 3 songs with an IV drip today, but had to leave the stage because she felt so sick, Jisoo had covid last week, the girls have all been seen with injuries. Only now will fans be sympathetic. The tour will be over, October 2023 will come and go and people will complain and riot that Blackpink should have had a comeback by now, only a month after their world tour ended.

And like, I'm not pointing fingers here, I've also been impatiently waiting for Treasure to make a comeback. I've had to remind myself how hard they've worked since last october.

They did so much promotion on youtube for Hello era which gets overlooked a lot because they did less in-person promotion in Korea.

Immediately after the comeback promotions, they did 'Hello concert in Seoul' + The exhausting Japan tour from November until January while also rehearsing and attending award shows. I remember being so worried for the members because that schedule was inhumane, it was way too much. Half the members had gotten sick, Junkyu lost his voice for three concerts, Jihoon was severely sleep deprived etc + they had to film content for Treasure World Map (which all Teumes should watch btw! it really doesn't get enough appreciation. Every episode makes me cry tears because they truly act like family 😭)

January and february they were seen filming Tmap + that's when they probably filmed a lot of the new episodes of T-talk, 3 minute treasure, fact check and tmi-logs + they shot the welcoming collection

March was the start of their Asia tour where they kept shooting for TWM + multiple members have said that at the same time they were working on the comeback.

My point is, they have had back to back schedules for the past year, they couldn't fit a comeback anywhere until now. Ideally, Treasure would take a well deserved break now, the tour ended, maybe they could visit their families (I was shocked when Jihoon said he only sees his family 3 times a year because of their busy schedule) or travel or maybe just rest for a few weeks and take a break from their Idol life... But they can't... Because it's been almost a year since their last comeback and fans are getting anxious. Just this week they have barely uploaded on social media or communicated with Teume (probably because they've been so busy preparing for the comeback) and already fans were having a hard time (me included btw and I feel bad because I still have a lot of Treasure content to catch up on, but it's not new content you know? So it's just not the same 😶)

All of this to say that I'm so happy Treasure is having a comeback but seeing Jennie so sick during Blackpinks concert and getting the Treasure announcement on the same day... It just made me think about how much fans ask of Idols... fans keep asking for more until their favs are sick or injured because they are overworked and suddenly fans change their mind (They should rest!, the tour should be cancelled! etc) but they will have forgotten about that by the next day, because it's always more fun to get content and it fucking sucks to wait.

[s0ngsandstars]

hiya!! 1, 6, and 8 for the disability ask game, if you haven't already done them :3c

Putting it all under a read more because I do a lot of talking and I forgot how Tumblr deals with long posts. sdkjdfjgkdgn Also I apologize for how negative the last question turned out.

1. What disability/ies do you have? (and are they mental, physical, or both?)

Mental health wise I'm an absolute wreck. The things I consider disabling are DID (mostly the dissociation, I like my headmates), OCD, ADHD, Agoraphobia, Depression, and social anxiety that I heavily suspect is actually AvPD. C-PTSD is also awful, but it's like. Not as bad as the other stuff in terms of how much of my life and time is taken by it. Also like, all the sensory issues that come with being autistic is just awful. Other things too, but like. mostly just more anxiety stuff. sdkjndfgkjngjn I am a very anxious human being.

Physically I have FND (it manifests primarily as movement problems, and sometimes takes away my ability to move some or even all of my limbs entirely, though most usually my legs), arthritis, something related to hypermobility, and I heavily suspect POTS, but my doctors won't test me for it. *makes a peace sign* Also I'm deficient in vitamin D but my doctors won't prescribe me anything for it (idek why, it's been brushed aside like 3 times though even though it's been deficient for multiple tests of it). *makes a second peace sign* I also have glasses because I'm moderately near-sighted, but that's a very common thing.

I also have GERD and don't have a gallbladder, so food hates me sometimes, but that's like. So mild in comparison to other things. The worst part about that is that I have to wait a few hours before going to sleep after eating or I'll get sick. I almost forgot, I have NAFLD and so I'm banned from alcohol, even though I've never gotten drunk in my life, so that's a missed opportunity.

Probably something else I'm forgetting but, eh. sdkjndfgljdgn

6. What’s something good that’s come out of being disabled?

I feel like I'm more understanding of people? Like, it's definitely helped me with being more readily accepting of other people's experiences.

Also can I count synesthesia as a sometimes positive to my senses being fucked? Some sounds smell wonderful. I love the colors I see for people and things. Like, yeah some sounds can smell literally like burning rubber, but other sounds can smell like chocolate or sour candy or mint chocolate-chip ice cream, etc. etc. and it's lovely.

Fun thing too is my cane can double as a weapon if I need it to. So like, that's kind of neat.

8. Does your disability affect how you experience other parts of your identity? (gender, queerness, culture, even hobbies/life goals you’re very passionate about)

Yeah, definitely. DID made gender and attraction rather difficult to figure out, because of the bleed through of others' emotions and like blending etc. I went through quite a journey before deciding on just non-binary for gender. AroAce was also tricky to figure out, but I got there eventually. But I'm really happy with it, and now it's like, one of those questions I can answer if we're really dissociated and trying to figure out who's out. Narrows it down a little if I can answer the gender/sexuality questions. Not a whole lot cause we're polyfragmented, but hey, we'll get there eventually. sdkjndfgkjn

As for gender expression, I can't wear some things that I really want to. Like my movement issues make wearing certain shoes potentially dangerous, and I can't be in long or tight skirts. I don't have the energy to put on makeup any time I want to.

And it definitely effects my hobbies. I don't have the energy to draw most of the time now, and when I do I can only do it for short bits at a time. It's really frustrating, because I want to, I want to so much, but as soon as I get my tablet set up, I'm so exhausted I feel like crying and I have to lie down for a while or I'll feel ill. I have to jump on when I have the energy to do things like draw or cook. I do read a lot though (mostly fanfics). Reading doesn't require much energy, so reading is fantastic.

Life dreams, definitely. I can't go to school right now, I can't get a job, I can't travel.. My life is limited, and I can't do some of the things I dream of doing. I want to be a planetary meteorologist. I want to travel and see places. I want to do so many things. But I can't.

--

Trying to end this on a positive. I'm proud of what I've been able to do, even if it doesn't seem like a lot to someone who's abled. I've missed out on so many things, but that makes the things I've been able to do mean so much more.

[sukugo]

Yeah I wasn't sure if you're okay with leaks and spoilers so I tried to be vague. It's alright, I'll wait till you're seen the chapter! Do you typically read the official translation on Sundays/Mondays or fantranslations that come out 1-2 days after the leaks? There's another thing I noticed actually, I'd like to think that it proved my theory right? I'll save that for later as well.

Oh yes please read The Path To Insanity, on AO3! I highly recommend it. It's so good to the point where I couldn't stop thinking about it for few days lol.

Hmm I think so, most of us have been suffering after some Bad Shit™ happened and I think you'll be affected too. Sending you positive vibes in advance! It's good that you're actively avoiding leaks because the fandom is literally imploding rn, it's chaos everywhere. Though surprisingly it didn't hit me as hard as I thought it would. I think it's due to the fact that I'm too busy being conflicted at how it was executed and stressed over how future chapters would turn out so I don't really have the capacity for sadness atm.

I wonder what you'll think after you've read it. Like personally I found it pretty haphazard and laughable lmao. It just feels strange and surreal in a bad way, maybe Gege meant to set tone like this on purpose? Idk. This chapter has a vastly different vibe from the rest of the manga to me so I'm trying to refrain myself from being reactionary and impulsive like others. I'll wait for Public Enemy #1 (Gege) to continue the story instead lol, based on some context clues there's still a slight chance that this might be just another sick and twisted joke from that demonic cat. Hopefully. I wanna beat his ass though he'd better sleep with one eye open

i usually just read the chapter on sundays when it comes out (which is kinda funny bc i DO read the fan trans too haha). but im gonna be honest, im considering reading the scanlation earlier this time agdkdhskd. i'll see what i do dgfdgd

but well. even tho i havent seen the leaks i do know What Happens (there's quite literally no way to not know, it's everywhere). bc oh boy is it imploding. yesterday i decided to take a small peek into twitter and it was. on fire. i closed it immediately, i was not gonna deal with all that csjdhdjd. but my tumblr's been pretty peaceful! it's so easy to avoid things here if u have the tags filtered, tho even then, i just haven't gotten so much of it on my dash anyways

and about the last thing u say, from the little things i came across, i did see that there were mixed feelings about the chapter, but as i haven't actually seen the leaks i can't really comment. so yeah ill come back to give u a proper reply after ive read the chapter!! :D

AS FOR THE PATH TO INSANITY I STARTED READING IT YESTERDAY ACDJHDJSH. ive only read 2 chs but GDJDH EXTRA BRATTY TEEN GOJO WITH SUKUNA!!!!! lately I've just been so into specifically that, so yeah im enjoying it <3333

[beck-a-leck]

I'm gonna vent for a hot minute about work frustrations. I just need to shout into the void.

Feel more than free to ignore this.

🙃🙃🙃

So.

I got a new job. I am leaving my current job on May 12. I have, for the last 6 years, been the primary analyst for about a dozen titrations, most of which were only run a couple times a year, but 5 of them are high volume tests.

I have been telling my manager, for Years at this point, that it is important we get back ups trained in my big methods. For times when I go on vacation, take a work trip, get sick, or find a new job. My manager continued to drag her feet and hem and haw about who should be trained on what. A few times I got someone trained, and then they left a month later. And more than once the available people were just bumblefucking incompetent and couldn't grasp the goddamned basic Follow the Recpie steps of the methods.

It is now officially Panic Train crunch time. I have 5 full working days left here before I leave forever.

I have spent every goddamned day this week, and a good portion of last week trying to train one (1) person on a single basic ass test method.

She is:

1. Already technically trained on the method, this is a refresher for something she hasn't done in 7 years

2. Someone who has been in our work group longer than I have and has, along with everyone else, had to use the same goddamned electronic notebooking program we all have been using for the last 2 years.

You will NEVER GUESS what she doesn't know how to fucking use! The gmp notebooking program that she has been using for all of her other work!

I will give her all of the allowances for refreshing herself on a method she hasn't done in almost a decade. I will give her all of the allowances for the method-specific quirks of the notebooking software.

We have, over the last 4 months, made an effort to regularly shadow-train-supervised run on this method. She should get this by now. We've done intensive training, all hands on for her, over the last week. And I am STILL having to coach her on software basics and it it driving me absolutely Bananas.

And I'm getting testy about it because we are officially out of leisure time and I need to cram in 6 methods' worth of training over 2 weeks and I don't have time to be nice about things anymore. I've repeated myself 500 times we don't have fucking time for me to be nice.

And the person I'm training is stressed out and she doesn't even WANT to do this, but she has to. Alongside all of her other work so she can train my replacement in a few weeks. So she's being extra reticent about it all.

Plus I have to train other people on other methods. And there is literally no fucking time for people to be bumblefucking their way through goddamned lab work basics that I Shouldn't need to be teaching them at this point but here we are!

I am also, on top of everything else, trying to wrote up comprehensive step-by-step guides for How to work the Titrator Softwares, to leave something of my 7+years of experience behind for others. I am doing this At The Request of the people I am training. I spent 4 hours putting together one guide already. With pictures. And sent it to her days before we were supposed to start training. So she would have time to read it and study (again AT HER REQUEST) AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN LOOK AT IT ONCE.

I am losing my goddamned mind. I am stressed out. I am not sleeping well. I am busy beyond all reason, and there is just too much bullshit for me to handle with a smile on my face.

And I know it's not fair at all for me to expect someone to immediately pick up on everything I have spent 40hrs/week for the last 7+ years doing flawlessly. But we are so far beyond "this is the learning curve" to "this is straight up reticent incompetence" and I can't fucking fix that. Like this is sink or swim crunch time and I CANNOT STILL be holding people's hands as they stand on the top step of the pool.

The only thing keeping my hubris in check right now is the fact that I know for sure I will be the person bumblefucking my way through a new lab and a new set of methods on a few weeks, and my trainers will likely be shouting into the void about me too.

[jonathanbiers]

Pass the happy! When you receive this, list 5 things that make you happy and send this to 10 of the last people in your notifications ✨ no pressure tho

okay this is cute wtf

going to concerts/the memories made at them. just to name a few: seeing my show friends (the same 7-ish people i see at every metal show i go to), anthony didio from vein.fm holding the mic out to me to scream into(during my Favorite Song), getting to meet and get hugs from loathe (my fav band of all time), meeting jacob from thornhill and making him laugh, reba from code orange hitting me in the face with her sweaty hair (i am in love with her) honorable mention for the time griffin taylor from vended spit on me. i did get sick but i also learned something that day hjghjkdf is that too much i'm sorry something about the sweat and the body paint running everywhere ok larsen u can shut up now

my dog, he's everything to me. he gives hugs and knows how to whisper(it's his best trick) and can sleep through the most disgusting sludge metal you've ever heard in your life he's my lil moody goth boy

that feeling you get when you realize you're at the start of a new adhd hyperfixation. it's literally just dopamine but it feels like you're on top of the world and whatever Thing it is is just the best thing to exist (currently for me that is the new djo album)

long comments or incoherent comments on a fic i've written. to know that the silly words i strung together gave someone such an emotional reaction that they 1. monologued at me or 2. can't even put their own words together just HITS different

not to be sappy and gross but talking to tumblr mutuals. we're really just some silly ppl from different places across the planet brought into the same space by a piece of media and now we're shouting excitedly at each other about it and inspiring each other to make stuff about it and analyzing/hypothesizing about it together THAT'S SO CUTE

[bread-tab]

vent incoming

currently at a 9 on my personal fatigue scale

(aka "it's hard to do anything but lie down and getting out of the house feels like an insurmountable ordeal and i'm daydreaming about wheelchairs")

and i'm just lying here thinking about how since i started tracking my fatigue a few days ago it has never dipped below a 7. how i can't remember the last time i wasn't fatigued. how much shame and imposter syndrome i feel over it. i am at a 9 out of 10 on a scale where 10 = literally bedridden, my joints hurt, my head hurts, and i am still going to go to work.

it hurts to move. yet saying that sounds overdramatic. i'm so used to that pain that i have to think and do comparisons for a bit to remember it's pain at all. but when you feel so tired that your muscles ache, that's pain. if your head pounds and your stomach turns to lead when you stand up, that's pain.

every time someone asks me how i am i say, "i'm tired." i've gotten used to that not being taken seriously. i don't take it seriously myself.

and then i see other people when they get sick or exhausted and how they change their behavior and how we all turn and accommodate them and... it's hitting home that this is not normal. that i need to drag this tired body to the doctor and try to explain, again, until someone actually hears me. that i need to talk to the people around me and crank the wheels of this tired brain until i figure out how to explain what i'm going through.

which is so very hard. i think...i may have been very badly wronged as a kid. not at all intentionally, not knowingly. but i used to say i was too tired to do things, and i would get told to do them anyway, and if i didn't i got a spanking. this is seen as normal. and now i am an adult trying to get myself to go to work when i am so tired i can hardly stand, and i just started crying at the thought of explaining myself to anyone, of figuring out whether to call in sick.

(i won't. in the end i almost never do unless i'm literally unable to get out of bed. how do you decide to call in sick when you feel sick every day? i have had panic attacks over this and then washed my face and gone to work afterward.)

i am physically struggling to this degree and all i can think about is the fact that i'm going to be late again, and people will be disappointed in me.

i have struggled with chronic lateness several times in my life. every time, it has been a sign of severe burnout. and every time, i am met with concern and sympathy and then... impatience. "just leave fifteen minutes earlier. it's not that hard." and then, if they see themselves as qualified to give me advice, "you are inconveniencing other people."

believe me, i know. i'm trying not to. people think i am not doing my best. the hard lesson i have had to learn for myself is that oftentimes my best just isn't good enough.

i have tried to explain the fatigue, the insomnia, the anxiety and depression. i have been told by doctors and laypeople alike to try setting more alarms. i have had to tell multiple people recently that i've been there, done that, and now i have to be careful how many i set because i overused that strategy and if i set more than two i will start sleeping through all of them.

i want to live my life. i want to work. i want to help out the people around me. it's not like i can't do anything!

but sometimes i wake up at a 9 on the fatigue scale and trying to get out of bed is like trying to pull out my own teeth. and sometimes i cry and i do it anyway, and i show up late and so very disappointed with myself. and i spend all day just wishing i could go back to bed, or at least sit down.

i know i need to talk to people about this but i'm so afraid. i feel like no one will believe me. i feel like everyone's already sick of me as it is. (that therapist who got mad at me for being late really didn't help.) i can't find the words. god, i wish i could explain to anyone how much it would help me just to be able to sit down.

i have to face that at some point. at some point i have to own up to being disabled and accept that for myself and open up to other people about it. but dear lord, no one is making that easy. least of all myself.

(and now i am going to go take a 200mg ibuprofen, make myself eat a protein bar, wash my face, and go to work.)