#i literally have not been able to draw i hate myself

[hremails-art]

bwahh bwahhh bwahhhhhh random crap

[hydn-jpg]

i just read all the current chapters of id2 and i. i need to lie down

[sweetvalentinescandy]

im so disappointed in my art lately . im not a beginner artist, but i feel like everything i do looks like i am . i feel like it would only be acceptable for a beginner . i havent made any progress since i was 11 . today is not a good day

[maburito]

Man....I hate having a job.

[piccolos-bigtoe]

Drew…. Myself…. With sniper….. guys it’s literally me, I’m seven foot tall and muscular and have stubble and a katana and a trench coat (sleeves blew off because I flexed too hard), sniper is LITERALLY my omega wife,

This is a horrible shit post. I cannot lie I have been art blocked BAD and the only thing I’ve been able to draw is sniper,, I have so many doodles of him in my logs guys it’s insane. I am afraid I am ill and it’s fatal. I want to draw something that isn’t him but i physically cannot and I won’t lie I don’t HATE drawing him but holy fart, it’s TOO MUCH. Uhm I don’t really think I have anything else to say. I started Fo4 and I like Preston a lot (uses a laser sniper rifle and funny hat…) but I met Ada and she is my wife… I love her, she gives me garbage she collects.

[nthspecialll]

Javier pointed his gun up... but he also didn't

I have always been on the "Javier pointed his gun up" team, especially because there is an interview with Javier's va saying he did point it up, however after seeing all of the "he actually didn't" I decided to look into it and they are right, there is a short moment you can see him pointing the gun at John and Arthur.

I absolutely hate tumblr for not allowing more vids in a post but at 00.24 is the scene and at 00.34 it is pointed out.

However what does this mean? We have two contradictions, one being the literal game, the other being a voice actor coming out and saying that he actively fought for Javier to point his gun up, we cannot dismiss either. They both has meaning, the fact that he pointed it up and he pointed it at Arthur and John has a meaning and it makes the scene so much more heart breaking.

I think this scene really shows Javier's emotional conflict, because this was not a "slow draw" as I have also seen people say, Javier's va literally states it isn't, this is hesitation, this is conflict, this is discomfort, he does not want to point that gun at John and Arthur but he does it in the end either way because he also does not want to betray Dutch.

(More thoughts under the cut but they are more in dept for the nerds like myself)

The thing with Javier is that he can see things are going wrong, but unlike John and Arthur he doesn't experience it first hand. The two others were left to die by Dutch several times each meanwhile Javier wasn't, while Arthur saw Dutch killing an old lady and going against his principals, Javier saw Dutch coming to rescue him when he needed it the most. Dutch went out of his way to save Javier, meanwhile, Arthur was left even when Dutch could have saved him with minimal effort in the factory.

Dutch gave Javier a job, clothing, food and a family, he gave him everything that he could have hoped for, this was the best-case scenario for Javier when he crossed the border. Javier owes everything to Dutch, it is natural he wants to stick with him because Javier was in a special situation and Dutch was one of a kind. Javier spoke no English, he was in his twenties, he was weak, he was starving, he had nothing. Arthur and John on the other hand, though they owe Dutch a lot, they could have made it even without him (at least if John had made it out the gallows). They were young, they spoke english, they were harsh, and any idiot with a dream could see they had potential, Javier did not have that. It is a the young, influential puppy vs the old, rusty backyard dog.

Still Javier never saw Dutch as family, not in the sense that John and Arthur did, Dutch was never a father to him, Dutch was an employer, so he doesn't get to see Dutch making less and less sense.

That being said, while Javier trusts Dutch, he also trusts his friends, he respects Arthur and John, he knows they are smart, he knows that they believe in Dutch, so he knows that if they are acting out then there is a reason, the problem is he doesn't see the reason as justifiable. But then again, it could very well be because he has no choice but to deem it unjustifiable.

John and Arthur were born in USA, it is their country, they have the right to be there and they have the privilege of being white strong males in the land of dreams, Javier does not, he is strong, he is male, but he is not white, he is a man of color and he is hated for it, we see so many times people throw slurs at him. With the gang broken, Javier is back at where he was when he first to USA. He would struggle being able yo find another gang in the states that would accept him, he wouldn't be able to make a living on his own and he does not want to go back to Mexico because he knows it would put his family at risk, that was the whole reason he fled in the first place.

He believes in Dutch because he has no other choice, because he has nowhere to go with the gang broken up. After it happens we can read that in 1907 he is holed up in a mountain, he is staying away from the area his family is from because he doesn't want to put them in danger, he is not thriving or living his life.

Javier never saw John as a traitor, he never did, he is also the only person on "Dutch's side" to defend John when he is being accused of being the traitor, except when it is to Arthur, then he is okay kind of accusing John because he can't let it show that he is desperate.

He never stopped caring for John or Arthur though, he tells Arthur to worry about his cough, indirectly to take care of himself, and in 1911 Javier is stalling, he does not want to harm John, something very visible when he chooses to jump out the window even though he had every chance at shooting John and get it over with, ensure his own survival, not to mention, he knew about John's daughter, meaning he has been watching John.

"Oh but he shouted at John and called Abigail all sorts of things." This is a broken man we are talking about, a man who has lost everything, a man who has no legacy, a man who has no real life, a man who saw the one person he believed turn crazy, a man who has just realized he is about to die, a man who has most likely wished for death for a long time but doesn't know what to feel now it is coming, you would be desperate too, you would shout over the mountains because there are no consequences, because you will be dead anyways.

[goo-berz]

Talking about Vivziepops' weird art of minors

I've never been the biggest fan of Vivziepop, I've always knew about their weird behavior (since like 2018 ~ 2019) before they were as popular as they are now.

She has done a lot of weird stuff but the thing I mainly wanna focus on in this post is their character Addison. Addison is a 17 year old gay effeminate fox humanoid from Zoophobia, he's in a relationship with a 19 year old Teacher's assistant named Gustav. Many people get confused by this but Addison has been CONFIRMED to be 17 years old by Vivziepop. Someone had changed Addison's Fandom Wiki page back in 2019 to say they're 18, when this is not true, Vivzie has confirmed they're 17. I did go back and change the age to 17 on the Wiki with the correct age in hopes that people stop believing incorrect information.

Vivzie confirming their age: https://twitter.com/vivziepop/status/1128064633166712832

The tags in this post brings up the fact that Addison is nearly 18 - not 18 yet - They're still 17.

Edit: Oh yeah, I want to add on context to this tag: "I should mention the characters canon ages are higher then when I first made them because as I wrote the story any big age gaps were uncomfy"

I've heard multiple older fans of Vivziepop say that Addison was originally meant to be 14-15 years old, and I've heard that Gustav was originally meant to be in his 30s.

Addison was created 2010, She began shipping Gustav with Addison in 2011, and Zoophobia began in 2012. So the fact she shipped a 14-15 year old character with a 30 year old one to begin with, and encouraged her friend to draw intense NSFW art of them together is so.. weird.

Anyways, Vivzie also hints at Addison being a minor, using wording indicating how young they are in age in their Blogpost introducing the character

"I finally created a few concepts, but the one I have been toying with the most is a young character much like Gale. An albino boy, with an identical albino sister"

If you need more proof, Addison is also preyed on by Mirage, a character that SPECIFICALLY goes after minors... that's basically her main personality trait, that she's a p3d0. She goes after Addison because he's a young submissive boy and easy to manipulate.

Anyways, back on topic. I personally I don't see anything wrong with the age gap of 17 & 19, however I do think it's weird to have this relationship between Addison and Gustav.. he's not exactly a teacher, but he still holds power over Addison due to the fact he's the voluntary teacher's assistant. Back when Zoophobia was popular there were people who found this dynamic weird & creepy considering the fact that Addison is basically a student under Gustav. Also, I just wanna bring this up because I find this weird, Gustav was originally under the impression that Addison was a year one student and much younger than he actually is, yet he still tried to flirt with him.. erm..? Yeah..

Anyways, that isn't the main point. The point is that Vivzie DREW NSFW OF HER 17 YEAR OLD CHARACTER AND HIS 19 YEAR OLD TEACHER... erm.. holy cracker balls? Literally how can anyone excuse these?

Vivzie also drew Gore of Addison too, but I won't post it here cus it's very graphic and weird and idk why she drew it!!

And .. possibly the worst drawing of them all.. Holy titties what is this... If you're wondering, the stuff under the censors is ACTUAL NSFW. It's not suggestive, or implied s3x, It's their ACTUAL WEE WEEs.

These accounts are poorly archived, so it's hard to find the original post and what it originally said. However after some digging I was able to find out the original text said

“ dollcreep: “ i can only see ‘dark-Günter’ exposing him and addi to a public area like so…so. yeah. Günter says; merry Christmas. god this question is super old. vivz reminded me about it"

So, I'm assuming that Dollcreep drew this, not Vivzie. However I was also able to find out from the limited resources there is that Vivzie reposted this to her accounts Vivzie-zp (unarchived) and ZPanswers, which are also now deleted, but if you view the accounts tumblr archives over the Wayback machine you can see that she did indeed repost this. http://web.archive.org/web/20120801182958/http://zpanswers.tumblr.com/archive

If you don't know, Dollcreep and Vivzie used to be best friends, however aren't anymore. Dollcreep originally designed Gustav, originally named Gunter, and Vivzie bought the design from them. Vivzie designed Addison back around 2010, and taking into account the old caption, this means that Vivzie.. allowed Dollcreep to draw NSFW art of their underaged character ;-; oh my gawd!!! Whatthe heck guys... like I said at this time Addison was still 14 - 15 and Gustav (Gunter) was in his 30s.

Also I want to mention that this drawing was from 2011, so that means Vivzie had this pedophilic ship with Dollcreeps OC for years, & after she bought the rights to the character she decided to.. keep the pedophilic ship and write it into Zoophobia by making him Addisons teacher. That's crazy..?

Anyways, because I brought up Mirage. Mirage is written pretty bad. She was a character meant to be in.. or scrapped from Zoophobia, she was meant to be a villain who preyed on the kids, mainly Addison. Her main trait is that she likes kids

Vivzie's made a bunch of drawings of Mirage preying on kids which I think is pretty weird, especially considering how poorly some of them represent it and make it seem like a joke instead.

and yeah, we all know about this infamous drawing she made of Mirage preying on Kestrel, a 14 year old. Pretty weird

Also when I looked at the web archive of Vivzie's ZPanswers blog (a Zoophobia ask blog) she accepted many weird asks about Kestrel, 14, and Addison, 17, like an ask asking if Kestrel had ever been fucked by a horse & how Kestrel, Addison & others would act when they were drunk. Which is also pretty weird to me I won't lie

Anyways that's all for now. Sorry if this is all over the place its 4am and I just wanted to get my thoughts out that vivziepop is kinda a weirdo

[allmightyscroll-swag]

Yesterday I binged all of @onejellyfishplease 's fic Open Your Shell To Find Your Wings and to say it ruined me would be an understatement

It ruined me so much I remembered that I literally am in art school and can do something about all the Emotions

I know the wings don't actually glow but in fact reflect light but shhhh..... let me dream....

also the author draws his wings so so pretty and I hope I was able to capture some of that

Also including this lil traditional doodle I made when I was figuring out how to draw the wings;

More of my rambling (INCLUDING HEAVY SPOILERS) under cut;

OHH MY GOD OH THIS FIC!!! THIS FUCKIN FIC!!!! OOOH. I ALREADY RAMBLED A LOT IN THEIR COMMENTS, BUT AUTHOR YOU RUIN ME!!!!!! OOUUGUJFJ

this drawing would have to be somewhere after the reveal because no way in hell is Donnie letting his wings stretch like that otherwise

THE LEO SIC ARC RUINED ME THE MOST, I THINK. AND THAT PART?? WHEN MIKEY WAKES UP DONNIE?? AND IT'S STATED HE ALMOST BIT HIM???? YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW MUCH ANXIETY AND PAIN I'VE BEEN BROUGHT IN THAT MOMENT

AND THE WAY THE FIC THEN CONTINUES TO DELVE INTO DONNIE'S FEAR THAT IF HE BIT THEM THEY'D DIE????

I AM NOT OKAY. I WILL NEVER BE. ALSO THE LATEST TWO CHAPTERS JUST BEING CALLED MIKEY AND RAPH? AND BOTH INCLUDING DONNIE FIGHTING WITH HIS BROTHERS?? I AM NOT READY FOR THE LEO EPISODE YOU HEAR ME I AM NOT

THE BIG MAMA EPISODE??? IM DEVASTED!!! ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATED!!!! DONNIE SEES HIMSELF AS THIS WEIRD STRANGE MONSTROSITY, HIS INNER NARRATION GIVING THE TONE THAT BIG MAMA IS JUDGING AND TRYING TO USE THIS SITUATION FOR HERSELF, WHILE BIG MAMAS POV GIVE US THE INSIGHT THAT SHE!!!! FINDS DONNIES NEW FEATURES ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!!!!

OOO THE CONSTANT INTERNAL DEGRADATION THAT DONNIE PUTS ON HIMSELF..... THE FACT THAT HES SO SO CONVINCED HIS BROTHERS WILL HATE HIM..... THE FIGHTS PROBABLY ONLY CONVINCING HIM FURTHER..... WHILE IN REALITY!!! THEIR JUST SO SO STRESSED AND WORRIED. AND CAN SEE THAT DONNIES ACTING WEIRD

I'm gonna cut myself off these before this post gets extremely long

I am so in love with this fic as you can clearly tell

[allastoredeer]

I'm with you there on preferring bottom!Alastor and getting squicked out by top!Alastor. The squick is worse for me when searching radioapple than radiostatic stuff, and I think it has more to do with the egregious amount of uke-fication of Lucifer that I've seen. Vox and Al get it sometimes too, let's be real that's gonna happen in any mlm ship. But I feel like it happens SO often to Lucifer, mostly cause he's small and cute, that people completely forget he's the oldest and most powerful entity in hell.

He would NOT be genuinely scared or intimidated by Al or any other sinner for that matter and Al would NOT be able to physically overpower or threaten Luci. It just feels so wildly out of character for me that any of the appeal of the ship/characters is gone at that point.

Like, for real, no shade to anyone that likes that, go on and get your food. But my extreme dislike of it has me now avoiding bottom!Lucifer radioapple like the plague just so I don't risk being subjected to it.

I think...I think you just described why I feel so squicked out by bottom!Lucifer and top!Alastor 😦 Like, I couldn't figure out what exactly about it was throwing me off, but you just said it perfectly!!

That's literally it! It's the uke-fication of Lucifer. That's it. Lucifer would never feel threatened by Alastor. He would never be overpowered by Alastor. So when I see depictions of Alastor successfully intimidating Lucifer, or overpowering him at all, it just throws me out of the story.

Lucifer's been alive longer than Hell. Alastor's measely 100+ years of being alive is nothing compared to his millennia+ lifespan. And yeah, Lucifer is the strongest person in Hell, he could beat Alastor in any fight, no question. He has no reason to be scared or threatened by him.

And look, there are ways to get Lucifer to a point of being afraid. There are always a way to make characters act in a way you wouldn't typically see. In fact, Lucifer, the biggest, baddest person in Hell, being threatened by something would be a huge thing for his character and for the story. That could totally work!

But when it comes from Alastor just going into his demon form, or looming over Lucifer, I just 🥲 it takes me out of the story. I can't. Alastor may be a big bad Overlord, and he's dangerous for sure, but like...power-wise he is just not on Lucifer's level and Lucifer knows that--Alastor knows that--and this is what makes their dynamic so, SO interesting, especially if they're in a relationship or slowly building into a relationship. That's what makes it so spicy and flavorful. The push and pull. The insecurity and emotion. The complex dynamic between them.

I think you're right about it making bottom!Lucifer and top!Alastor lose its appeal. I went back through my Twitter bookmarks yesterday and found a few top!Alastor's & bottom!Lucifer's that I've saved, but I've come to dislike that generalized characterization of it so much that I avoid it it like the plague too.

And like you said, there's no hate to those who enjoy it. This is fandom and people are allowed to write, draw, and do what they want. It's all fiction and it's not hurting anyone.

I just don't like the top!Alastor & bottom!Lucifer dynamic in most fan-arts, and I don't click onto fics with it cause I just don't want to subject myself to an unenjoyable time 😂 I'm here to have fun too, afterall.

[coldresolve]

Hi, I'm Elias, I'm a 26yo trans guy from Denmark. I write shit, I draw shit, and I get into unneccesarily tedious arguments with anons about torture apologia in fiction. I think that sums up my vibe

I've made a few posts about this already, but tl;dr: the Danish NHS has been refusing to treat me for gender dysphoria for the better part of a year now because they've deemed me "unstable." Unstable how, you ask?

I have depression.

No, that is quite literally it. Full context under the readmore.

Fighting to be heard and having the door repeatedly slammed in your face sucks peak ass, and I'm done now. The NHS is so lackluster when it comes to trans people, all of a sudden, it makes perfect sense to me why 31% of transgender Danes get HRT outside of the NHS.

And I'd rather not have to turn to the black market, so rn I'm hoping to get a prescription with GenderGP. The issue is, I'm poor as fuck and can't afford the start-up fees for the forseeable future - unless I do something like this. I hate asking others for money, and I hate it even more if I'm not in a place where I can give anything in return. But I also recognize I'm in over my head with this, so. If you've got a cent or two to spare, I'd be grateful as hell.

I've mathed it out, and my best estimate is that I need around 3500,- DKK / $500 USD. Again, this is just to cover the initial subscription as well as mandatory consultations/blood tests. I should be able to cover the prescriptions on my own, as well as further tests/consultations down the line, so I'm hoping this is a one-and-done sort of thing.

paypal: elimunpau@gmail.com

Also, important note. We're in a global cost of living/housing crisis and this isn't a strict life-or-death situation. If you're in a tough spot right now, don't send me anything, that'd just make me feel worse about asking. I appreciate the thought but you gotta take care of your own needs first. Peace and take care ✌️

So I've been dealing with major depressive disorder since I was 11. It runs in my family, and as you might imagine, after 15 years of living with this thing, I've learned how to manage it pretty well by now. I know what it's like to genuinely be unstable - and if I were in a place like that, no problem, I'd be open about that. I wouldn't be making decisions like this. I know myself. You kind of have to when you're dealing with a chronic mental illness.

Here's where I am right now: I've got no suicidal ideation, been clean from self harm for four years, no psychosis, no inpatient admissions for the last five years. I live on my own, take my meds, and I'm keeping my life in order. Depressed, yes, but about as stable as someone with my history can get, and ask anyone who knows me, me wanting to get on HRT isn't some spur of the moment decision. I've done a fucking decade of soul searching, and a few years ago, I finally (duh) reached the conclusion that living as a woman isn't something I can even fake being content with - believe me, I've tried. I'm well aware of the scope of medical transition, but I'm settled in who I am. And I just want to live like me now. That's the only thing I want.

If it counts for anything, my partner and family have supported me through this, which has been priceless obviously, but it also goes to show that me saying "I'm capable of making medical decisions" isn't purely a personal assessment. I'm pretty sure they'd speak up if they thought I was being unstable about it or whatever

But the CPH clinic for sexology, who have consistently refused to listen to me telling them all this, have somehow magically aquired divine knowledge on my capacity to make adult decisions about my own body, and on the basis that I have MDD, they're refusing to even set me up for a preliminary interview - one that would preceed a 6 month full-team psych evaluation before the prospect of HRT would even come up. They said in their latest refusal that they wont accept another referral from me until a year after my last in-clinic conversation with them, which happened on October 24th, 2023 - meaning that with the NHS, if they accepted my referral come October (which I don't have much faith they will), the earliest I could possibly get on HRT is April 2025. Arguing for my own sanity would've sucked enough as is, but it's made harder by the fact that they won't even talk to me. You're a trans guy who would like healthcare, but you have a mental illness? Good luck, you're on your own. Long live the Danish bureaucracy.

Dysphoria makes me fucking miserable. I'd rather not have to write a sob story here, and tumblr is like 80% trans people so I guess a good portion of you can imagine why waiting another year for the possibility of maybe-perhaps-if-all-goes-well getting on HRT would not actually make me less miserable about it.

So. I'm sitting down next week along with my mom to file a formal complaint with the patient's rights committee. I don't know what to call this other than some form of discrimination on the basis of mental illness, because nothing in my current situation would prohibit me from making medical decisions for myself. And I honestly don't think that a complaint is going to do much, but I intend to make it obnoxiously long, because by law, a specialized doctor and an attorney have to read through the whole thing. If you can't beat 'em, make 'em read 50 pages of you going into detail about why you think they suck, right

And yeah, like I said, in the meantime, I'm trying to go via GenderGP. It'd be nice if my poor ass could get HRT via the NHS instead of having to pay out of pocket, but apparently the bar for entry requires that you 1) have gender dysphoria to the point where it impedes normal function and 2) somehow aren't mentally ill. Who wrote these rules? Some 60yo cis guy in a suit in Christiansborg, I imagine.

Feel free ask about anything relating to this whole situation, I'll be as open as I can about it, cause I understand that if you're going to give money to someone, you want to know what it's going to. Though I hope you understand I'm not going to doxx myself more than I already have now, or give you my entire medical history - only what's relevant to my current situation.

I know Denmark is a welfare state and on a global scale we're doing alright, but I hope you don't mind if I say this: This shouldn't be happening as often as it does. Fuck the Danish NHS.

[queenimmadolla]

Vivi, I cant stop reading your penny verse writing! It’s so good and it like makes me glow with happiness! I literally hate children but you’ve somehow given me baby fever! Especially like being pregnant is just at the forefront on my mind and having my partner coo at a growing belly, petting it and kissing it! OMG VIVI YOU’RE POISONING MY MIND WITH THOUGHTS OF BABIES AND GROSS DOMESTIC SHIT LMAO! (But I love you for it)

I AM HONORED. That makes me feel SO relieved because I, too, hate kids. Like, other than my nieces and nephews, I can’t tolerate kids. I think the majority of them are gross and way too annoying for how expensive they are. Luckily my nephews and nieces are pretty good kids/babies so they make it easy for me to give everyone baby fever with Penny and baby Wayne. Also, I give myself baby fever lol I catch myself thinking I could be like Penny’s mom if I had a baby lmao and you didn’t SAY it was a request but uh . . .

warnings: fluff galore (eddie talking to Penny while she’s still in your tummy)

(eddie munson x pregnant!reader)

more pennyverse here

“What does it feel like?” Eddie asked from his position, laying a little further down near your belly. He was referring to the baby nestled inside and actively kicking against where his palm lay over the bare skin of your bump.

It had taken a while, but you were finally showing in an obvious manner. You’d only discovered you were pregnant about three months ago and you had been ridiculously far along at five freaking months but your stomach hadn’t changed to let you know you were even expecting. It was really only in the last month and a half that your baby shifted to press against the front of your womb. She’d apparently gotten so comfortable, she’d decided to remain there, meaning you’d grown quite the bump in a short amount of time thanks to her rapid development. You still weren’t huge, though, so you didn’t expect her to be a big baby. Or at least, you hoped not, for the sake of your vagina. “Mmm,” You hummed, eyebrows pinched together as you tried to come up with a comparison Eddie would be able to relate to. There wasn’t really one, it was an odd sensation to have her kick from inside of you. On some occasions, you swore you could feel her move, shift around in there. “This is gonna make no sense, but it feels like a fish.” “What?” He laughed out, warm brown eyes flickering up to stare at you in amusement.

“Have you cupped a goldfish in your hand?” “To put it in a bowl or something?” “Yeah!” You nodded, head resting on a stack of pillows on the floor. One thing about the sudden baby bump is your back was not used to the additional frontal weight, so you’d taken to laying on the ground pretty much anywhere, even at home. Your friends found it very amusing and so did Eddie, once he got past his concern. “It feels like how they wiggle against your skin. Just a little more firm. And in my tummy.” 

Eddie made a sound of acknowledgment before another kick was pressed against the palm of his hand, drawing his attention back to his unborn child. “Damn, my girl’s got a pair of legs on her, doesn’t she?”

He caressed your swollen belly, a look of adoration plastered on his face. You’d never grow tired of watching him prepare to be a father, he already loved her so much. Plus, your hormones were crazy and seeing him like this really got you going. “Do you think she can hear me?” It was the billionth time he asked. He always did before he talked to her. “She’s surrounded by amniotic fluid, so you probably sound like you’re underwater to her but she only gets this active when you’re talking to me. Think she likes your voice.” It was true, while she’d occasionally move around, she only ever got active when Eddie was present, always loud and boisterous. 

You could tell Eddie felt a lot of pride in that, he leaned forward and pressed a kiss to your belly, hiking your blouse up a little further as he began their nightly conversations.

“You already know you’ve got me wrapped around your little fingers, don’t you?” He cooed out, watching the area of your stomach she was focused on pressing against, rising before she no doubt retracted her little foot.

“I can’t wait until I meet you–I mean, I can wait so don’t go getting any ideas but when you're finally out here with us, I promise I’m gonna take such good care of you and your mom.” He promised, licking his lips as they formed a soft smile.

“You got really lucky with her, too. She’s ridiculously pretty. Gonna have to fight other people off once she’s a milf. You don’t know what that is, I forget. A milf is a mother I’d like to f–” “Eddie!” You laughed, hand reaching up to hide your smile.

“You’ll learn when you’re older, “ He smirked, though it dropped quickly when he remembered how kids could be dicks sometimes and if they spotted her pretty mommy picking her up from school, she might find out when she’s not so much older. “And you’ll let me know if anyone refers to her as one so I can fight them, yeah?”

He took the next kick as one of agreement.

“That’s my girl. Now listen, about the sleeping arrangements. Personally, I’d like to keep getting a decent amount of sleep after your mom’s done baking you in there. Actually, I’m pretty sure your mom would, too, so I'm thinking maybe you just immediately sleep through every single night. If you’re opposed to it, that’s fine ‘cause–ya know, you’re gonna get your way regardless but it was just a recommendation.” 

“And of course, cuddles. It’s imperative you know the second you’re in my arms, I will not be willingly putting you down. Most of your naps are gonna be there, in fact, you’ll probably ignore my sleeping recommendation so you’ll be sleeping in my arms, too, which isn’t a bad thing. Your mom does it all the time and I haven't received any complaints or bad reviews yet. Kisses are also mandatory, only a select few people are allowed to kiss you ‘cause I’ve done my research but considering it’s all I want to do right now and you’re not actually out yet, I will be unable to refrain from smothering you with them. I just know you’re gonna get annoyed with me, but I won’t be able to stop.”

As if to make his point, Eddie pressed a smattering of kisses to your belly, chuckling when you squirmed underneath him. “I’ll teach you how to walk, I’ll teach you how to ride a bike, how to play an instrument–lucky for you, your daddy is multi-talented–I’ll take you on little daddy-daughter dates, your mom taught me how to braid hair so I can do that for you, too. I’ll do anything for you. Anything you want. So just finish up in there, okay?” 

Eddie felt the heavy weight of your stare on him and once more, his gaze was flickering up to meet yours. “What?” “You’re so fucking cute. I’d offer to have your babies but I already am.”

Eddie smirked and pressed a kiss on the lower half of your belly, trailing a few even lower than that. “And I am soooo very appreciative of you, I think I should probably show you how much.”

[nadianova]

How much time do you spend planning some of your visual novels? At least going by some of them being jam submissions, it feels like you go from pre-production to a finished build very quickly, and it's amazing how you can manage that while still having an awesome story and so many assets.

Also, what is like, the process of planning a story out for you, if there's any vague or concrete similarities that you've noticed?

i think the important context here is that if i get bored/have nothing to do i jhust immediately get really suicidal its like ridiculous how bad it gets(ITS FINE DONT WORRY ABOUT IT IVE HAD 5 YEARS OF THERAPY). so i hate being bored and want to occupy my time wit something fun whatever that is. if i have a project to focus on but especially if I'm working for a game jam i have a deadline and i just decide to myself okay i will release a game now.

because ive made a decent amount of games i roughly have an idea on my capabilities, i can estimate how long it takes for me to write a story so and so long and how long it takes for me to draw stuff i need and how long it takes for me to throw stuff in renpy. these are estimates like as in I'm not accurate with it but still enough that i generally know where to start cutting ideas since the most important part is just having something to submit. i also know to plan around my brain wanting to slam my head into a wall an my hands suddenly giving up on being able to draw.

i think thats the beauty of game jams it forces you to just go for it and release something. releasing a 'bad' game is better than no game at all. experience only comes over time and i think just going for it is the best approach there is. like its literally 2 weeks 1 month whatever of your life. if you have the time and motivation go for it. make it work or fuck it up it wont matter in the grand scheme of things

im not sure what is the motivation behind the question but i do want to point out that this is just my method (if you can even call it a method) and the only way to figure out what works for you is to just try until you find something that actually works for you

idk not everyone will find it doable/fun to plan around spending two weeks gamedev 10 hours a day just cause i wanted to fit in 100 cgs for a jam game but apparently i can do that when i cheat my stupid adhd brain into hyperfocus with adhd meds

READMORE BECAUSE I CANT STOP RAMBLING

as for planning tho i think ideas on their own are worthless and its always about execution in the end. a great idea or a meh idea are the same for me but i do still enjoy the planning process so i keep notes

like i see a great tumblr post or i see some art or visual novel has some scene that inspires me: i save that shit for myself

having a big collection of random floating ideas like that helps me easily pick from especially during a jam type duration. right now i have like 4-5 half-baked project skeletons, some are literally like 3 pictures and some like naomida are a hundred hours worth of me writing world building about how the toilets work in a city with no plumbing cause its -30celcius(i love bringing this up)=

i dont normally plan that much, i tend to just wing it. like for malmaid i seriously just had some rough ideas and just went along as i wrote

same thing for dddeviance i had a handful of scenes that i really wanted to make and knew what kind of start and end it was meant to have and just figured out how to fill the in between. a lot of plot points changed vastly like halfway through i realised my devil + angel combination was stupid and i should just go for fallen angel + angel.

i think there really is no simple answer tho (as evident from the long as hell post) i don't really have a 'process' because every single game has been worked on has come with different type of planning since I'm always trying new stuff to try and distract me from boredom. like I've been using obsidian for naomida while previously I've just used a empty discord serve as my notes app for malmaid and dddeviance

and tbh with naomida I'm running to a new problem where I'm definitely planning too much. like I'm spending too much time fidgeting with details in chapter 4 even when i haven't finished writing chapter 1 just cause its so easy to get in the loop of "oh ill just change this one line" and boom 20 mins spent playing with my notes that didn't really progress my game since by the time i reach this point the whole scene might have shifted to something else

.

but if i had to squeeze an answer itd be something like everything related to my art or writing or games is just like "oooooo that seems fun i should remember this for later" and then i just string 10-100 of those into a story

i tend to write my stories in a format of

character A does this and that

this happens here

puppy play ryona piss orgasm

new day and then this happens here

sad thing happens

more piss orgasm

the end

and just like start filling in more details and working on my story in a nonlinear fashion until i feel like i have a strong enough skeleton that i can start writing my scenes. i hop around a lot, often preferring to write the fun scenes first like ero stuff or the ones I'm the most interested in and then the rest is just filling the blanks and stringing the cool scenes together

[luvtonique]

I just woke up and I chose violence let's go.

Look all I'm sayin' is

If you're gonna attack AI generative art

You should, for the same reason, attack Toby Fox.

The reason I've seen the most for people not liking AI is that it's not "Real art" and that it "Takes jobs from artists" and that it "Steals from other artists"

Well, then, let's talk about how Hopes and Dreams by Toby Fox uses fake Violins to mimic a symphony orchestra. Toby could have hired a real orchestra but he used a fake one and y'all came in your drawers over it.

Why'd nobody ever lift a finger to cover social media in how Toby Fox doesn't deserve to make money because his song "Undertale" uses a fake guitar that sounds just like a real one? He could have hired a musician to play guitar but he didn't! That cost a REAL guitar player a job, didn't it?

And how come when it was found out that Toby Fox stole entire lietmotifs from other games like Kirby n shit, y'all had like 600,000,000 excuses to defend him?

I don't dislike Toby I think he's amazing, like 100/10, one'a the brightest examples of a success story of all time and one of the nicest most pure-hearted people on earth who made two of my favorite games of all time and a ton of my favorite music. Spider Dance has been my ring tone for like 8 years.

I'm just saying, the literal same reasons I see people attacking AI gen art is shit that Toby does, all of it, and y'all worship Toby for it but attack artists.

And neither here nor there, but hear me out?

Y'all will say you're in defense of artists keeping their jobs and their livelihoods which is so very noble of you, but if an artist draws shortstacks that are just a little too short, or if an artist utilizes AI, or if an artist draws Rose Quartz skinny, or if an artist draws Sans and Frisk getting a little too Frisky, or if an artist votes for Trump, or if an artist says a dirty word you don't like, or if an artist draws a black person that looks just a little bit too stereotypical, or if an artist draws a lesbian character getting fucked, or if an artist doesn't believe in gender identities, or if an artist doesn't put trans characters in their graphic novel, or if an artist makes a sexy character with butt-jiggle the protagonist of their video game; Y'ALL ARE COMPLETELY OKAY WITH SAYING THAT ARTIST SHOULDN'T BE MAKING MONEY, AND BANDWAGONING A HATEMONGERING BRIGADE AGAINST THEM.

Or in the Sans and Frisk case: PUT SEWING NEEDLES INSIDE OF COOKIES AND GIVE THEM TO THE ARTIST WHO DREW IT, PUTTING THEM IN THE HOSPITAL.

Listen

Spare me this "We hate AI because we care about the jobs of artists" shit, you lying scoundrels. You don't care about my job! You've tried to cancel me like 500 goddamn times, got my Patreon frozen twice, got my PayPal frozen over 100 times even right in the middle of conventions, flooded my stream chat and spammed the N-word in chat trying to get my Twitch banned, flooded my Discord multiple times with links to CP trying to get my Discord banned, and you have entire Discord servers literally called things like "Jay is an asshole" and "The We Hate Jay Society" (YEAH I KNOW YOU FUCKERS EXIST, HI, HAVE FUN SCREENCAPPING THIS).

My artistic career has been under fire for the past 12 years because I draw things y'all disagree with, have opinions you don't like, and have family members who vote for politicians you think are the boogeyman that's the cause of all your problems (and haven't disowned those family members). With all due respect, when I hear "We hate AI because we believe in fair wages for artists and want to protect the jobs of artists" I just wanna strangle your lying ass.

You hate AI because it's popular to hate AI.

AI is like a prosthetic robot arm that helps you carry the groceries, and disabled people like myself (rheumatoid arthritis) benefit from its uses greatly (such as being able to draw backgrounds much easier which has greatly improved my art and INCREASED MY COMMISSION REVENUE DUE TO MY ART QUALITY IMPROVING [But y'all don't care that AI helps artists earn more money, you hate AI because you claim it's hurting artists' ability to earn money]), but you're so hung up on people using the robot arm instead of their real arms that you think you're some crusader against injustice.

You aren't.

You're just looking for reasons to attack people, it's what you do. I've been dealing with y'all looking for any goddamn reason to attack someone that you can muster for the last 12 years, hell even before that I dealt with you types. You just want to hate, you want to be prejudiced so fucking bad that you look for literally any reason you can possibly find to make some vaguepost about how much you hate an artist and post it to Reddit, and then when you get called out, get so surprised that I found your bitch ass that you start pretending you didn't mean any ill will, and start pretending that you're someone else in the most pathetic attempt to dodge blame I've ever seen.

[Context: The OP of this post accidentally revealed who they are on Tumblr, and then when I called them out on Tumblr, they pretended they were someone else because they were scared I was gonna out them on Tumblr and they tried pathetically to cover their ass, and even politely said "I never wanted to garner hate against you" when they literally posted "I hate the way he draws women" on r/mendrawingwomen and flooded the comment section (mostly now deleted) with how "disgusting of a person" I am, while I was in the comments politely giving context to the shit he was saying about me, and he started getting furious when other people were liking my art and agreeing with me instead of him. I have like 600 screencaps of all the cringe this guy spewed, but I'm not gonna post it all because it's tangential anyway. Case in point? This guy's blog is absolutely covered with how much he hates artists for drawing things he doesn't like, and he regularly posts about how AI is taking jobs from artists. Not gonna out his blog, but that's who he is. A shining example of exactly what I'm talking about. "I hate AI because it takes jobs from artists!" "THIS MAN-THING DRAWS WOMEN IN A WAY I DON'T LIKE AND HE'S A DISGUSTING PERSON, EVERYONE JOIN ME IN HATING HIM AND TRYING TO RUIN HIS REPUTATION AND THEN WE CAN CELEBRATE WHEN HE LOSES HIS JOB!!!"]

Like, y'all can sit there and act like you're defending me and artists like me all you want, you're liars. You're boldfaced fucking liars. You are disgusting. It's completely pathetic watching you attack a tool that can be used to improve our art, and claim it's in defense of the authenticity of our art and the continued financial stability of our artistic careers. Fucking give me a break.

You're looking for people who say positive things about AI art so you can attack them and feel justified because it's popular to attack them.

All while sitting there and gladly swallowing the cum of any musician who makes amazing music with synths, fake symphony instruments and autotune.

"We care about the jobs of artists."

Yeah.

Long as those artists fall in line with your opinions and only draw things that agree with said opinions, right?

Wouldn't wanna care about the jobs of "problematic" artists who draw "offensive" stuff or vote for politicians you don't like.

Final note: This isn't even an attack against any political opinions or activism or anything like that, but I'm being realistic here because these are the people I see brigading against AI art. It's not me saying those people are dumb for having their opinions or political standpoints or being activists for their beliefs, it's me saying those people are the ones who are constantly attacking AI art in "defense of artists," while in the same breath attacking artists for not sharing their political standpoints or also being activists for the same causes. If you truly, truly cared about the livelihood of artists, you'd stop attacking artists' livelihood for disagreeing with you. Or for that matter: Any reason. Stop attacking artists' livelihood, or stop pretending you care about it. Be consistent, at least.

[frecklystars]

I have no idea if I should come back online or not. I've been offline since. my god, what. fucking April? May?? My queue only has like 10 posts so I should refill that but tbh I don't see a point if I don't really feel anything. I am just a husk, I can't enjoy anything, I am just so numb all the fucking time. I have been doing so bad and nothing is helping and I am so fucking miserable when I can't self ship. I'm in pain all the time and I need my F/Os to help me get through the day but that's so hard when I look at them and watch the movies and feel absolutely nothing. I tried watching a bunch of ryan interviews/movies/shows for the last couple of weeks and there is just. nothing

September is my bday month and every year I try really hard to be extra gentle with myself. and I originally planned to stay offline for the entire month bc I just, I don't wanna fucking be here. I hate being on this hellsite. I hate feeling pressured to get back to so many people when my energy is so low. I don't find any joy scrolling through my dashboard. I don't find joy in making edits or drawing anymore. I don't enjoy my time on here anymore bc I cannot find joy in self shipping anymore. But I don't go a day without going into fight or flight mode, or having a nightmare or a flashback, or stress vomiting, there is always something, and my Ryan F/Os were really helping me get through it for at least a year, but now it's like... the last 4 months I've just felt nothing and I feel so utterly miserable

I can't afford a cptsd therapist anymore but I try to see my regular therapist once a month if I can afford it, and she said it's best for me to try to get back online at least once in a while, bc I'm just... rotting in my room and then going to work at both of my jobs and then coming home and missing my F/Os, unable to cope with triggers since I'm not able to self ship, and just rotting again. My sleep schedule is so fucked up bc of my nightmares/panic attacks I've had every night for nearly two years. I get zero to three hours of sleep every night for the last two years. I'm exhausted all the time and! it makes sense that I'm doing poorly bc your brain makes serotonin when you're sleeping! and if I'm literally never sleeping then ofc I'm not gonna have the stupid happy chemical in my stupid brain. and I'm not eating every day since I am trying so hard to save money, and skipping meals is obviously bad for your brain too, and I'm not socializing as regularly bc I'm so goddamn depressed. so my therapist said I should try to be online again even if it's just once a week, just to make F/O edits or something. fake it til you make it, try to build that habit again. but that feels so hard! I am so numb here! and I have so many bad memories associated with the abuse I've endured that I can't log into this hellsite without just feeling so fucking awful.

I am so tired of living in fight or flight mode and getting shaky from adrenaline rushes all the time and i'm so tired of not feeling like I can trust the people around me because of how much bullshit I've had to go through in the last two years of people purposefully being kind to me in order to betray my trust and manipulate me. I really wish I could publicly talk about what happened to me. I really wish I could publicly tell you all every single little thing that I have been put through in the last 2 years. I wish I could tell you who's doing it and I wish I could post everything... obviously not for witch hunt purposes, but just so people can know what's going on and idk help me, send me support, tell me "hey it's gonna be okay" literally anything, or at the very least just so I can warn you how fucked up a group of people are and say "hey don't interact with these people I've had to actually call the police on them bc they're Fucking Insane". but I refuse to talk about my situation publicly because it won't do anything but cause drama, it will make things worse in the long run, so I stay in my own lane, I just fucking sit here, I never talk bad about anybody anywhere even in private, I never name drop, I am just trying so hard to exist and stay in my corner.

I've been so paranoid for 4 months now bc of all of the stalking I've been put thru in the last two years. I don't trust people, and it bled into self shipping so I feel like I can't trust my F/Os. I know F/Os aren't real yeah yeah I know they're fictional, but idk how else to explain it. Think of the worst possible thing someone can do to you. anything you can think of; I have been thru it. online abuse and offline abuse. my F/Os got tied into that. I was conditioned to believe that these things that were happening to me would be my F/O's desires as well. that they'd want to abuse me the same way because they love me. that I am their "most special person" and that they'd feel an "urge to hurt me". especially if I was in a skirt. especially if I looked scared. blah blah blah all this shit I was told for months and months. endured in real time and then told my F/Os would want to do the same exact thing to me because they love me. that I am only loved through violence and manipulation. because of all of this I've been put through, I genuinely believe I am only capable of being loved if it's through violence whether this is IRL or with F/Os, and anyone who is being kind to me is secretly out to get me. this is such an awful way to live and I don't know how to stop thinking like this. I don't know how to shake it off. I'm so tired.

I want to stop having an immediate stress reaction, my brain spiking my blood with adrenaline saying "you're in danger!! you're gonna die!! you're gonna die!! you need to run!!" every time I see a stupid fictional robot, or certain clothes, or colors, or. whatever. I am so sick of it. It is exhausting dealing with so much stress and anxiety every single day!! every second that you're alive!! I cannot put into words how fucking terrible it feels!!! it isn't just a "eh this happens every once in a while if I just see my trigger" thing, it's a "I feel this every goddamn second that I am awake and even when I am asleep bc I'm having nightmares about it" !!! it's hard!! it sucks! it's hard!! I can't function if I don't have my F/Os and I don't have my F/Os anymore, not in the same way. I don't feel anything for my Ryan F/Os at all right now. Barbie doesn't make me feel safe anymore bc I don't feel anything when I look at her. I can't look at pink and think "ooh barbie pink" and try to get over that trigger. I just see pink and feel tense and like I wanna throw up. I don't see Barbie as a protector anymore bc I'm so numb. I don't see Barbie as a girl's girl who would look out for me, I see her as a potential abuser. I hate this. I miss her so bad. I miss feeling safe with F/Os. I am trying really hard to get that Ryan/Barbie hyperfixation train going again but I don't know how to do that when I am so miserable. I don't know where to start. am I supposed to fake it til I make it? draw and edit and listen to music and just try?? or do I just?? watch the movies? it's not working. but even if it's not working do I just keep doing it anyways? it's like there's a brick wall in front of me and anything throwing love/joy in my direction just hits the wall and I can't absorb it.

So anyway I'm sorry to rant. I've only slept 6 hours total in the last 7 days so my brain is like. suffocating. i'm probably almost done talking. being offline hasn't helped me feel better. I think isolating myself is, uh. not good. but I really don't have the energy for dms. I can try to answer maybe like... 3 asks a week if I push myself. I feel so bad that so so so so so many people reach out to me and I just don't answer. I don't do it on purpose I just genuinely have zero energy, or if someone sends a nice ask, in the back of my head I'm always thinking "nope this is a trap. I shouldn't engage with this" and like, what if it's not a trap? what if it's genuinely just someone trying to be nice to me? I don't trust it. i hate walking on eggshells. i hate that someone can send me "hi keri have a nice day :)" and my brain is like "ah this person is spending one whole entire year pretending to be my friend so they can betray me. they're secretly on the side of [abuser] so they can try to hurt me. don't trust!!!" like. hello. i hate that i've had experiences like that, so now any person who contacts me is automatically a "possible threat" ??? it is exhausting living like that. it's hurting me. i don't think this way on purpose! i am not trying to feed/fuel these thoughts. i have a literal stress disorder. this is part of the stupid complex post traumatic stress disorder. i am! stressed! to the point of this hurting me and i am unable to function! and! idk how to fix it. it's like someone planted poisonous seeds in my brain for 2 years that have sprouted into ugly huge trees and I can't cut them down. because the bark is too strong. or something. and now there's just poison in my head that I don't know how to get rid of.

ok sorry for rambling, I don't know if I am coming back online or not. I am supposed to! I should! I really should! but I really genuinely hate this hellsite after everything i've been put through. i never enjoy my time here anymore. but also my birthday is coming up and I deserve to enjoy my birthday. I want to enjoy it. I want to get better so bad, and if being online and making edits and drawing pictures is supposed to help with that then I will try. at least a little. I want to enjoy my birthday so bad dude. i hate my birthday, I have hated my birthday for years, but this year I am so... hurt, I feel like an open bleeding wound that cannot heal, and I want to be so gentle to myself this year. I want to eat apple pie at a diner and wear my drive scorpion jacket even if im numb the whole time. I want to go to the movies and bring my barbies with me even if im numb the whole time. I want to go rock climbing. I want to eat soft serve ice cream and not feel guilty. I want to learn how to watercolor paint even if i'm gonna suck at it at first. I have 3 F/O anniversaries coming up. K on the 1st, Driver on the 18th, Lars on the 26th. I should enjoy these days. I am not looking forward to any of it. I am just. numb. but I need to try. I cannot just sit here and tell myself it's hopeless. but then again I don't have energy to do anything other than that. but whatever, I will try even if it's just, like, one single day this month where I post art or answer one (1) ask. like literally anything I will push myself to do anything I want to get better SO bad

I'm gonna fill up my queue now, I'm sorry if it seemed messy the last month, I haven't checked it. I used to always organize my queue every day to post certain amounts on certain days, time it accordingly, make everything look all nice and pretty, but I haven't done that. I don't even know if ppl notice that kind of thing or not, I think it just makes me feel better personally when I know my blog is organized. I want to try to answer one or two inbox messages every once in a while. if I don't get to your asks or dms, I'm sorry, it is nothing personal I swear to god I literally am just a zombie right now barely alive and I am trying so hard to just. survive 😭

I love u. I'm sorry my tone in this whole thing comes off very bitter, I am genuinely just fighting to stay alive one day at a time for years and years and years and the cptsd made everything so unbearable and i feel like every single second im alive is such a struggle. I hate being so negative all the time I promise I am clawing my way out of hell to try to fix it even though it hurts the whole time. i want to get better not just for myself but also because i feel so bad that i make vent posts so often. i miss self shipping. im gonna stop here or im gonna spiral even worse. goodnight/goodbye ill touch base later

[tea-and-secrets]

my secret is that i don't think i have a future. i'm turning 18 in a month, maybe by the time you post this ask i will already be 18 for a while, but well, im not there yet. i just finished high school kicking and screaming, literally thought i wouldn't survive it to the point i was considering ending it all several times, but i finished it. now what? now i know i have to go to uni but i also know i won't be able to make it through. i barely scraped by with high school and now my mental health is at an all time low (thought 2021 was my worst year but life is full of surprises) and if college is harder than high school like people say it is, then i'm just royally fucked. it does not help that i don't know who i want to be in life. i'm bilingual and have language skills, but if i study for a translator job then it's just like-- who even needs it? i live in russia. my country is in shambles and so is its economy and relationship with other countries. russia does not need a fucking translator because everybody hates it and for good reason. i can't imagine any future for myself here. when i was a kid it all seemed so clear to me, i would grow up and live with my best friend and be happy and have a job i love. now whenever i think of being grown up my mind just comes up blank. my best friend has probably forgotten that we ever wanted to live together, or they just left the idea behind because it was so childish and unrealistic. i feel like i've been drifting away from them as well as my entire friend group for the past 2 years. i'm autistic, so i just don't see the world the same way they do. i used to love being aroace before i realized it's distancing me from my friends, because now they all have partners or they're yearning for partners or talking about all the sex they've had and i just have nothing to add to the conversation. i don't smoke or drink, so i guess now i'm just not as interesting to hang out with as when we were all 15 and sober. so yeah. i guess i just dont know what im going to do or what's going to happen to me. i've spent the last few years feeling more and more isolated and sinking into depression. if i get into college, i don't know what it's going to do to me, but it makes me fear for my life. if i don't get into it, then i dont know what im going to do at all. maybe my real secret is that i was put on this earth to draw gay people and not like, have a life and relationships. oh well.

.

[idontlikeem]

i'd like to talk about grieving, a little bit. as in the past, discussions of death and cancer below the cut, don't read if this will hurt you, etc....i'm having a bad day and i just need to stream of consciousness for a little bit. sorry.

so my mom died. if you've read my personal posts before or whatever, you probably figured that out. it happened on thursday february 15th around noon. luckily we had a bit of notice that it was coming, so i was able to drive down the saturday prior and spend time with her—three full days where she was pretty much still herself, and part of a fourth.

it's been a really hard month. like, obviously. but i think a part of me still wasn't quite ready for it. i don't know how.

my mom was first diagnosed with breast cancer in fall 2011. she had a mastectomy and went through chemo, and that was hard and scary, but it was i think technically considered stage one—a tumor that was definitely growing fast, but it hadn't spread out of the area, like not to her lymph nodes or anything, and with the treatment she went almost ten years totally symptom-free. right at the start of the pandemic, the cancer came back, but this time it was already stage four, and it was in her abdomen and uterus and intestines.

there was a time when we weren't sure she'd live more than a year. endometrial and other reproductive cancers aren't 'sexy' like breast cancer is, they're not widely studied and there aren't a lot of treatment options. when she had breast cancer i hated 'save the boobies' campaigns (and please never donate to susan komen), but now that my family has lived with another type of cancer that doesn't have tits as a draw, i hate them even more.

my mom made it four years, pretty much, since the first diagnosis. she did chemo, and radiation, and went on medication trials, and put her body through hell to try and fight it. she lived longer than i think any of us thought she would.

the problem with that is how long i've been existing in a state of grief.

i've had years to prepare for this. i've thought about it literally thousands of times—how i'd feel, how i'd tell people, what i'd do after. i pictured it, because i was trying to plan. i was trying to get myself ready.

turns out pre-grieving isn't real. turns out you can't get this pain out of the way by experiencing it in advance. much to my chagrin. i'm not sure there was a way to avoid it, though. so here i am, with four years of grief behind me, and not one second of it has made what's going on now any easier.

some days i forget. every time i'm on twitter or instagram, there are posts i want to send her, and then i don't know what to do with myself. for all that my relationship with her had its hard times, she was my mom, she was my best friend. i love her more than anything and i don't know what to do with myself now that she's gone.

i've been sort of just surviving for the last four weeks. my apartment is a mess, i'm barely leaving, i haven't been good at responding to people. so today i thought i'd at least clean up a little. i'd gone to target a day or two before i drove down to my parents', and i figured i would start with those bags, because they were just sitting there.

i'd forgotten that i bought valentine's day cards for my whole family that i wanted to send. one for each of my brothers, one for my dad, one for my mom. i never sent them, obviously, i didn't even bring them with me. i burst into tears when i pulled them out of the bag, and i've been crying pretty much all day since then. i'm never going to pick out a card for my mom ever again.

i also have a notes app file sitting on my phone. she wrote each of us letters, and my dad sent them out to us, but i haven't been able to open mine yet. it's the last new thing she'll ever say to me. how could i possibly be ready for that? how do i know when the right time to read that will be?

one thing my mom wanted was to die at home. she didn't want it to be in a hospital, and i get it. she spent a month in the hospital after christmas, and god knows how much time cumulatively over the last four years. the fact that she was able to push to get home is something i don't understand, because she was so sick—but she did it somehow. she was able to die in her bed.

and i was with her. like. i wasn't just at home, i was with her.

something they don't tell you about having someone die is you have to start arranging stuff before it actually happens. when we woke up on the 15th, we knew it was only a matter of time—her eyes weren't all the way open and her breath was labored, and she couldn't talk, although at first she still tried to say stuff. we sat there with her and kept her company and talked to her. hospice came by around 11 or 11:30, i don't even remember, and said that based on whatever measurements or readings they take (pupils? breathing? i don't know), it would be between 4-8 hours, and he recommended that my dad call the funeral home. because you have to do that first.

so my youngest brother was driving down from where he lives, my middle brother was in his room, my dad was in his room on the phone, and i stayed with her, because....well, of course, right? and i was just kind of talking, and crying, but trying not to...i don't know, beg her to stay? ask for more time? the nurse said she could still hear, they're pretty sure that hearing and understanding what's being said is the last thing to go, and i didn't want her to feel bad or guilty, or to hurt herself in an effort to stay longer even though there's nothing more that i've ever wanted in my life.

so i told her, you know, we'll be okay. it's going to be unbearably sad, and it's going to suck, but all the stuff we did as a family with her—we'll still do it. and we'll be okay. and there's nothing more important to us than her not hurting anymore, not being miserable and stuck and just...not herself. all that matters to us right now is her, and she didn't have to worry about us, because we'd be okay.

and she took in a breath. there was a pause. she took in another one. and she stopped. that was it.

i didn't even realize at first, not right the second it happened. the hospice booklet had talked about a 'death rattle', about how it happens almost all the time, but that it's more distressing for the people with the person dying than them, that they're not in pain. how the fuck would they know that, i'm not sure i believe it, but...it's what i was expecting. that didn't happen, though. she just stopped breathing.

the amount of guilt i felt for my dad being out of the room...i don't know if that will ever leave me. he said it was ok, because he was having to deal with stuff, and he'd spent a lot of time with her and it was fine, but jesus. how do i not feel like i stole that from him?

i've felt like a shell ever since. i'm back where i live, and i'm getting up and going to work and taking care of my dog and trying to stay connected to life, but...i don't know.

how is it that she's gone? how is this possible? how am i supposed to go the rest of my life without her?

i had four years to get ready for this, and i wasn't. i don't think there's any way i really could have been, but still. it doesn't seem fair that it was so hard for so long, and for NOTHING. nothing is easier now.

i'm sick of feeling sad, and hurt. i feel like i should be over it or something? i don't know, maybe just less actively affected? it's been a month. people's parents die all the time, right?

what am i supposed to do?