#i log off tumblr for a week and then come back on and make one post

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for sending "anonymous hate mail" to someone on Tumblr?

The title sounds extremely horrible, i get it, but let me explain. Also this isn't recent what occurred but got brought up which is why I'm asking.

I was 17nb when this started. This woman was 7 years older then me. We met through a charity event me and my brother went to. We became friends as I kept volunteering there. She was shy but charismatic. She asked if my brother was my boyfriend which had made me cringe, but was an interesting start to a conversation.

She became my friend, as stated. She would text me every day. When I turned 18, me and my twin rented a place. I went to this woman's house a few times, but she would come to my place quite a bit. I would hold biweekly dinners at my house and I'd invite my other friends and my siblings (20m who I volunteered with, and well my twin but she lived there).

For 3 years this woman would text me every day. She was the first person I came out to as nb and she actually cut my hair for me and helped me buy androgynous clothes. She constantly talked about love and romance to me. She practiced flirting with me, usually I'd flirt and she would coach me. She almost kissed me once, barely missing my lips. I noticed some of the moves i would do, she would do to my brother during these dinners. Not a big deal to me or my brother. My twin thought it was weird but decided it didn't hurt anyone.

We started fighting a bit over small things. She would misinterpret what I said and would get upset, and then I'd defend myself and try to explain, all while she would cry. She would say something extremely rude and then say I misunderstood what she said. Just small things.

My twin was understandably upset. My brother was frustrated but stated it was between me and this woman.

It came to a head when my brother's girlfriend came to a dinner. She is super sweet and super kind and absolutely shy. This woman would constantly speak over her, cursed st her, and actually physically pushed her out of the way.

That night she called my brother and told my brother she had always had a crush on him and liked him. My brother told her he had a girlfriend and he never liked her like that. I called her and told her off for treating someone like that, and I want to make it clear I had no clue she called my brother until weeks later.

We grew more distant. If j said anything she didn't like, if I tried to tell her how I felt or bring up an argument and try ro resolve it, she would claim I was confronting her and being overemotional and would not text me back for days. I got blocked and unblocked multiple times. I decided I was going to stop being her friend.

now, during all this I had gotten a Tumblr because this woman convinced me. I ended up getting locked out after I had gained over 1000 followers (more then she had). I have suspicions she changed my password when we had hung out, because i had my login saved and it was always logged in and when I had went to get back in, it was logged out and my password didn't work.

It sucked but I didnt get back on. This woman would bring up Tumblr memes and trending things where we volunteered at and I would have no clue. She took this as proof I wasnt on Tumblr anymore....and I wasnt.

Except I remembered her account and decided to search it, because she brought these amazing cookies to where we volunteered (please note, the reason she brought them was because It was a going away party for me as I was no longer volunteering. This was the last time I saw her in person and I never had contact with her after) and told me she had found the recipe on Tumblr. I remembered these cookies when my friend decided to have a bring your own cookie Christmas party months later. I went to the woman's Tumblr to see if I could find the cookie recipe.

Well I found more then I expected. I found her talking shit about me and my siblings. She claimed my brother led her on and had attempted to have a ONS with her. She claims that he would constantly text her and flirt.

She claimed I was a bitch and that I purposely caused her to lose friends (people i had invited to these dinners that I was friends with). She gave us nicknames, so I didnt really care, but I could tell who was who because well it was about me. Everyone is allowed to vent, and I didnt go through every post because it just seemed to me she was using Tumblr as a diary.

But then I saw an ask she answered and I broke out in a cold sweat. Someone asked if my deadname was my nickname she had used. This woman confirmed they were one in the same. I was shook and didn't even understand what I was reading, and clicked the link she had added.

The link was to her writing blog. It was a link to her original story, with the main character as herself. She had written fucking fanfiction about us. I couldn't make this up if i wanted to. She used MY ACTUAL DEADNAME for me, as well as describing me to a tee and including identifying info (such as my tattoos). She used my brother's real name and also my twins. In the story, my twin wasnt my twin but just a sister. There was enough information though that if someone irl who knew us read it they could absolutely say who was who, especially since it used OUR REAL NAMES.

She also wrote blurbs and AUs of this story that was ongoing. There was more then one blurb where my character died. She killed me off. In one story my character was SA'd. It was very creepy to me. She also happened to post in an update to the main story that my brothers character moved. She described where he moved, describing the house the street etc. She didn't name streets but it was the EXACT location my brother moved. I dont know how she knew because my brother NEVER posted it and had moved within the past week of her update.

I did tell my brother and my twin immediately. Both were weirded out and my brother ended up getting a security system because we think she stalked him (he was receiving weird messages at his work and on his car). My twin and I moved and got one as well *we didn't move because of her but because rent was cheaper elsewhere*.

On her writing blog she answered an ask that basically said these were based on real people. She even jokingly said that "they'll know exactly who they are if they read this, they're described perfectly". After that confirmation where she admitted, j sent her a few anonymous messages. I never cursed her out, I never called her names, and I never said she should kys.

In one ask i said if she was writing about real people maybe she should describe them differently as it seemed identifying. In another I told her it seemed unhealthy and she had issues. In the final one I told her to seek help.

But I guess my asks made people wake up and realize. She got multiple messages apparently and then deactivated because of the anon hate.

I didnt mean to start the onslaught but apparently I caused it.

Just recently I went back to where I used to volunteer. I found out that apparently she had gotten online hate and had a decline in mental health. She quit her job and quit volunteering and ended up voluntarily admitted herself to a psych hospital. She is out now, and apparently doing good, but she has stated how she almost died during that time.

I never intended for that to happen and feel bad. My twin says I didnt even send hate and that I couldn't control what other people did.

So aita?

What are these acronyms?

[justagalwhowrites]

Lavender - Ch. 37

Joel makes emotional adjustments to you and Ellie. A continuation of Lavender ch. 1-3 found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: Smut. Just smut. Smutty smutty smutty smut. Oral (m receiving); unprotected p in v sex (wraps it up fools); evidence of canon-typical violence. No use of Y/N. Minors DNI 18+ only

Length: 4.1k

“Joel,” Ellie drew his name out so it was stretched long and thin. “My fucking feet are about to fall off and that’s going to be an improvement. We have to stop.” 

“Few more miles.” 

Joel kept his eyes straight ahead and clenched his jaw. He knew the three of you had logged a lot of miles over the last few days. He sure as fuck was feeling it. His knees weren’t what they were 20 years ago but stopping had not been an option. He needed to get you all as far as he could from the men who’d tried to take you, been willing to hurt Ellie. 

The three of you walked through the night and then all the next day after fleeing the camp, going in non-sensical ways through the woods. You’d insisted on taking first watch but Joel had hardly slept. He woke up what felt like every few minutes, squinting to find you in the dark, the stock of the rifle across your lap glinting in the moonlight. You slept curled around Ellie, holding her small body tightly to your own, her head tucked below your chin. 

He woke you both before the sun was fully up, his legs still aching. But he had to keep you moving, had to put more miles between the three of you and things that would wish you and Ellie harm. 

It had been a week of this now. They hadn’t seen another person - even any signs of another person - since Joel killed the man from the camp. Hadn’t crossed paths with any infected, either. The three of you had finally come upon a road that morning, having cut through woods for days. Joel was hoping that you’d come upon a town at some point, even a fucking tiny one. Somewhere he could orient himself, just a gas station with a damn map would do the job. He wasn’t sure where he’d led you after twisting through the forest for so long, hoping to cut such a confusing path no one could follow even if they were trying to. 

He just wanted to get a few more miles. Then maybe the fear that had gripped him since you were pulled away from him and a gun was held to Ellie’s head would ease. Just a few more miles. 

“Joel,” you said quietly, glancing at Ellie as she trudged along the side of the road. “No one is following us. This isn’t helping.” 

He looked down at you, your eyes wide and soft. And it was a comfort for a moment. But then he remembered just how wide they got when you were ripped away from him, when you begged him to take Ellie away. 

“Few more minutes,” he looked ahead again. “Then we’ll stop for the night. Next town we find we can stop for a few days, if it looks safe.” 

“Few days?” Ellie perked up. “Fuck that sounds amazing. I’m going to sleep for like… a week. And actually give my feet a chance to go back to their normal shape, I feel like they’ve melted into these stupid boots…” 

Joel pushed you for another mile and found a spot off the road to set up camp for the night. 

“There’d better be a town like… three miles up the road,” Ellie muttered, her back against a tree as the sun set. “I am so fucking tired of walking. I never want to walk again.” 

“Hate to break it to you, kid, but we’ve probably only covered maybe 400 miles of the 600 or so we need to hit to just get to the Wyoming border,” you said, eyes closed as you rested your head against a tree trunk. “And then we need to get toward the side of the state that Tommy was calling from. We’re maybe halfway there.” 

“Fuck,” she muttered. You smiled a little. 

“One of these days I’m going to get on you about your language again, Gremlin,” you said. “You’re becoming feral in the wild.” 

Ellie scoffed. 

“I was always feral.” 

“More feral, then,” you conceded.  

“Thank you,” Ellie smiled, content. 

She settled in for the night, stretching out in her sleeping bag and curling in on herself as your fingers laced with Joel’s, your breaths relaxed and steady. It was calming, in a way. You were solidly next to him. He could feel you, hear you, sense you. Ellie was safe and close, even in her disturbingly small and fragile way of being. The sharp, jagged shock of fear that had been choking him for the last week eased when you were both like this. Where he could see you, know you were safe. 

He was used to it with you but it was new yet familiar with the girl. 

Joel hadn’t spent time with children since the outbreak. He’d never really been a kid person. Sarah had been the exception to the rule - to every rule, really. After she was gone, it made sense to avoid kids entirely. It was too risky. Some of the jobs he’d done in the QZ told him that. Kids were a walking liability. They were delicate, too curious for their own fucking good, no sense of self preservation. Joel had surrounded himself with people who weren’t risky. People who could handle themselves, who wouldn’t destroy him if they got hurt. 

It’s why he’d shoved you so far away from him, even while he was tied to you, like his veins ran from him to you and back again all the while. Ellie… she was becoming like that, too. 

He was sure that it had started because of you. Watching you with the girl was too much like seeing you with Sarah. Ellie and Sarah were two very different people but you loved them the same way - unapologetically, fiercely, fully. In the way that they needed you to love them without expecting anything in return. Your safety became tied to hers. 

But it had grown and changed in the few weeks Joel had known the girl. She was more like him than Sarah was in so many ways. She was more like him than she was like you. He saw so much of himself in her, in her rough edges and brash determination and deep drive to take care of things on her own. He wanted to protect her before she ended up just like him, before she became too hardened to the world to be able to love anything in it. And when the man had put a gun to her head…

The man wasn’t living then, not after that. Joel had already wanted him dead for trying to take you but you’d have tried to talk him out of it and he may have let you. But after he threatened Ellie? There was no forgiveness for that. Not when he’d threatened both of you. 

“You should get some sleep,” Joel said quietly, squeezing your hand. 

“I’m comfortable where I am,” you said softly, squeezing back. 

“You’re gonna wake up in an hour and you’re not gonna be able to fall back asleep,” he said.  

“So worried about your wife,” you smiled a little, your eyes still closed. Joel sighed. “What? I’m just saying, most men at least ask a lady first…” 

“Yeah well,” he shrugged even though you couldn’t see it. “Maybe I will ask one day.” 

“Waiting to see what options are on the table wherever Tommy’s living?” You asked, still smiling a bit. 

“Figured if I ever asked I should do it right,” he said gruffly. “Been waitin’ for it long enough. Lie down before you end up sleep deprived.” 

“Fine,” you signed, not bothering to go for a sleeping bag and putting your head on Joel’s lap. “Wake me up when it’s my turn to keep watch.” 

He didn’t answer. He just rested a hand on your side, feeling your breathing shift as you fell asleep. 

Ellie hadn’t been too far off in her wish for a close town. It only took three hours of walking the next day before houses started to crop up alongside the road, in little clusters. Then there was a church, a small subdivision made up of maybe 10 houses, a grocery store. 

“Oh man, if they have Spaghetti-Os or Chef Boyardee…” Ellie said, walking faster than she had in days for the store. 

“Hold on,” Joel grabbed her by the backpack and put her behind him, his gun and flashlight out. “We’ve never been here, gotta take a look around first before you go in and grab whatever you’d like…” 

You took your gun out, too, and kept Ellie tucked safely in between you and Joel. But the store was empty, clearly had been for a while. The shelves had been somewhat picked over, but it didn’t look like many people had been here since the outbreak. 

“We must be off the beaten path,” you said, tucking your gun into the waistband of your pants and starting to examine what food there was on the shelves. 

“Dibs!” Ellie reached to the back of the shelf and pulled out a can of ravioli.

“All yours, gremlin,” you smiled. 

“Fuck yeah.” 

Stocked up on food, you went to the pharmacy and Joel pried the gate up enough for you to clamber over the counter and into the back. 

“There was a leak back here,” you called. “But still have some usable stuff…” 

You came back with a few bottles of medication and a notebook. 

“What’s that?” Joel frowned. 

“The emergency information booklet,” you said, setting on the counter and climbing back over. You opened the booklet and shined your flashlight down at it. “Here we go, we are in scenic Curtis, Nebraska.” 

“Nebraska,” Ellie nodded slowly. 

“Just one state away from Wyoming,” you said. “Just hope Curtis is on some maps. Speaking of, we should make sure we grab some maps…” 

The three of you made your way through town, Joel in the lead, Ellie behind, you at the back. But there was no one. 

It didn’t take long to find why. In the middle of the small downtown was a pile of bodies, the skeletons charred. Everyone had been wiped out early. Infected would have bypassed quickly with no one to spread it to and being so far from everything meant that it was likely no one had been here in years. Joel put his gun away. 

“Fucking FEDRA,” Ellie muttered, bypassing the pile, barely looking at it. Joel waited for you, your eyes glued to the bodies, your arms crossed tightly over yourself. He pulled you against him and kissed your temple before continuing on. 

It didn’t take long to find one of the few hotels in town, an extended stay place. 

Joel pried the automatic door to the lobby open and quickly looked around, but it didn’t look like anyone had been here in a while either. There was a rack of brochures near the door and he grabbed a map. Ellie picked up an ad for a local attraction, frowning as she looked it over. 

“Did people really go to shit like the Museum of American Dollhouses?” She asked, holding up the brochure. 

“No,” Joel said. You laughed. 

“Not really,” you amended. “But apparently enough people did.” 

“Weird,” she put it back, looking around the lobby some more. She jumped the check in desk, ignoring your exasperated “Ellie” as she did. She rifled around, pulling out a pile of room keys. 

“What are these?” She asked, turning one over in her fingers. 

“They unlock the hotel room doors,” you said. “But only once they’re programmed to so they’ll be useless for us. Is there some kind of room list back there?” 

She frowned, rifling around for a moment before finding a packet of paper and holding it up. You took it. 

“OK,” you said, looking over it. “It looks like there are some two bedroom things on the ground floor, rooms 121, 123 and 125.” You looked at Joel. “There are doors.” 

He half smiled at you and led the way to the rooms. 

They were in relatively good shape, the beds still made from the day of the outbreak. The hotel had been fairly new when everything went to shit and it was too far from anything major to be bombed, so it had held up fairly well. No signs of leaks, windows were intact. Ellie staked her claim to a bedroom, throwing her arms out wide and falling back onto the bed. 

“I’m never leaving again,” she said. 

“You can’t eat ravioli in there,” you called at her from the small kitchenette. 

“I will leave one time,” she said. “But then never again!” 

Joel barricaded the main door once night fell, Ellie going to curl up in her room fairly early. 

“Do me a favor and keep it down,” she said, gesturing between the two of you. “Because… gross.” 

“Be extra loud,” you said, Joel’s arm around your shoulders as you sat against him on the couch. “Got it.” 

“Ugh,” she closed the door. You giggled. 

Joel looked down at you. 

“You mentioned a door,” he said. 

“I did,” you nodded. “Specifically that one, over there.” 

Joel nodded for a moment. 

“Think we should take a closer look at what’s behind it.”

“Really?” You looked up at him, mischievous. “Why’s that?” 

“I swear if you don’t let me inside you…” he nipped at your ear. 

You giggled. 

“Let’s see what’s behind the door.” 

Joel had never been happier about the existence of a piece of fucking wood. The second the door was closed, your arms went around his neck and your lips were on his own. He wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you tight to him, your breasts pressing against him, your hips already trying to grind against him. He groaned, slipping his tongue into your mouth, tangling with yours, sliding over your teeth, trying to get to as much of you as he could reach. 

He always fucking wanted you. That was a damn near constant in his life, had been for more than 20 years. Even for the years he thought you were dead - easily the bleakest of his life - when he dreamed of you, it almost always involved fucking you. The feeling of being inside of you, becoming a part of you in the way that he constantly ached to be, the deep satisfaction of having you as close as anyone could get. Even when he just dreamed about talking with you, it was almost always soaked in sex. Naked with you in his bed, tangled in his sheets, your limbs twisted with his own, your hair wound around his fingers. The best conversations of his life had been with you, naked and vulnerable and shut off from the world. He’d longed for that more than he did your body. 

But the want he had for you now was different. It was its own snarling, groping thing inside of him, always reaching for you. It had been screaming for satisfaction since you were pulled away from him more than a week ago. He needed to feel you around him. Needed to be deep inside of you, so deep that there was no question in his mind that you were safe and whole and his. He needed to be so close to you that fucking no one could take you away from him. 

Joel pulled your shirt over your head and immediately unhooked your bra, taking that off you, too. You tugged as his shirt and he helped you pull it over his head as he pressed you backwards, until your legs were against the bed. He kissed from your mouth, over your jaw to your throat, your skin salty from sweat and dirt and he wanted to devour you. 

“Want you,” you said, your nails digging into the exposed skin of his back. “Fuck, want you inside me…” 

“Far past wantin’ you,” he said, his lips on your collarbone. He unbuttoned your jeans and tugged them, along with your underwear, down your body. He nudged you down on the bed and your hands flew to his jeans, opening them, tugging the fabric over his aching cock and down until it was in a pile in the floor. You gripped his shaft, running your thumb over his already dripping head before spreading it down over him. You looked up at him through your eyelashes before you leaned forward and took him in your mouth. Just the tip of him at first, your tongue wrapping around him, making him moan as you pressed it into him. 

“Fuck, Baby,” he groaned, slipping a hand into your hair. “Fuck, your mouth…” 

You moaned, taking more of him into you, sucking him, your tongue pressing into the thick vein that ran along the bottom of his cock until his head was at the back of your throat, your lips wrapped around the base of him. You moaned around him, the vibrations in your throat going straight to his tip, damn near knocking him off his feet as he stood between your legs. You started bobbing up and down his thick shaft, sliding him almost all the way out of your wet, hot, soft mouth so just the tip of him remained between your lips before taking him all the way into your throat again.

You moved a bit faster with every stroke, taking him harder into you each time, his head making you choke as he filled you. Your hands held his thighs, trying to pull him as deep as you possibly could, making his knees go weak. 

“Don’t want to cum in your mouth,” he managed, through gritted teeth, trying to think of something - anything - besides just how warm and wet your tongue was. “Fuck Baby, need inside you, need…” 

You took him deep in your mouth and moaned, more forcefully this time, sending the vibrations from your throat straight to his cock. He groaned, pulling your head back from him forcefully. You panted for breath and wiped your mouth on the back of your wrist. 

“Tryin’ to make me cum before I get to fuck you?” He asked, leaning over you. You crawled back on the bed and he followed, grabbing your ankle and holding you still. 

“Not on purpose,” you smiled a little, sitting up on your elbows. 

“Find that hard to believe,” he spread your legs and settled between them, his fingers running over your slit. You were fucking dripping wet. 

“This all from sucking me off?” He breathed. You nodded. “Fucking hell…” 

He kissed you, rubbing your wetness over his shaft, pressing you down into the mattress. He pressed himself against your tight, grasping hole and held your hips in place before he thrust into you in one sharp motion. Your back arched as he met your back wall, your channel already starting to flutter around him. 

“Fuck Baby,” he groaned into your mouth, giving your tight heat a moment to get adjusted to his intrusion. 

It didn’t matter how many times he’d had you, he’d never get tired of fucking you. It would never get old. You felt to goddamn good, your body molding to him, gripping him tight but soft, your whole being stretching over him. He could feel your body making room for him inside of you, your walls pushed apart while your hips pressed up into him, desperate for it. 

He’d never felt anything like being inside you, the overwhelming physical sensation of it alone would be enough to ruin him for anyone else. Nothing felt as good as you, fucking nothing, your tight core gripping him so well it almost hurt. He filled you so perfectly it was the closest he came to believing in God. He was made to do this with you, there was no other way to understand it, explain it. His body was built to fit into yours, to wrap around yours while you were around him. 

That would have been enough. It would have been more than enough. But looking in your eyes when he was inside you, the feeling that he’d never been this close to another person and never would be again, never wanted to be this close to anyone but you. The idea that he could see inside you, to all the parts of you he coveted most, that he could know you in a way no one else could and that you could see him in that way, too. 

It was a fucking miracle he didn’t cum the second he was inside you. 

“Joel,” you breathed, your lips brushing against his own as you spoke. “Fuck… I need…” You closed your eyes for a moment, he could see your throat work as you swallowed. “I need you to move, I need… fuck, too much…” 

He kissed you softly as he pulled back from you slowly, dragging his swollen head along your inner walls, feeling every tender ridge of you before thrusting back in, earning him a delicious little groan. He kissed down your jaw to the side of your neck as he increased his pace, your hips rising to meet his as your body tightened around him. You pressed your face into his shoulder with a whimper as his cock drove all the way to the back of you, pressing against the mouth of your womb.

“Fuck,” you panted, kissing his shoulder. “About to… Joel I’m going to cum, I can’t… Fuck!” 

You came. Hard. Your walls rippling over him with such force it made his hips stutter over you, desperate little whimpers slipping from your lips as your body milked him. 

“Taking me so fucking well,” he managed as he fucked you through your orgasm. You moaned, sounding on the verge of tears below him, his hips slamming against yours with almost bruising strength. “Fuck, baby, you feel so good, so fucking good…” 

It seemed like you wanted to say something but couldn’t manage it. He thrust all the way inside you, his own orgasm so fucking close but not ready to leave your body yet. He pushed back from you, his cock still buried in you to the root as he looked to where he became a part of you. You were stretched tight over him, your lower lips swollen. 

“Look so fucking pretty with me inside you,” he breathed, looping an arm below your leg and pulling your calf up to his shoulder. He pressed a kiss into the muscle there, making you moan, and he leaned over you with your leg still tight against his chest. You groaned a little as your body adjusted and he held himself inside you. But he knew you felt the angle difference, your eyes searching his own as the moonlight filtered in through the window. Your pussy tightened even more around him. 

“Joel,” your voice was raw, achey. “I love you… want you… need you deep, need to feel you as close as I can…” 

“I know Baby,” he said, pressing his hips down, able to go even deeper from this angle, your back arching, your whole body tensed like a band ready to snap. “Fuck, you’re incredible, fucking incredible…” 

He started fucking down into you then, pulling out only as far as necessary to thrust all the way back into you as your pussy gripped him tight. 

“Want to cum with you,” he panted, his arms caging your head as he took you, the moonlight casting shadows on your face. “How…” 

“I’m close,” you managed, panting for breath. “Fuck, just… my neck and keep…” 

He pressed his cock into you harder, faster and pressed his mouth against your throat, finding the spot he knew where you were most sensitive at the same time as his cock pushed as far into you as something could go and you came around him, your pussy throbbing over his shaft sending him over the edge. He sank as far into you as he could reach, the whole of him buried deep inside you as he came, emptying himself into you until he went slack on top of you, his cock still buried within you. 

Joel rolled onto his side, taking you with him, the leg that had been pressed to his chest hitching over his hip as he started to soften inside you. He took your face in his hand, his fingertips dipping into your hair. You pressed your lips into his palm as you caught your breath, your eyes searching his own. 

He smiled a little. 

“What?” You whispered. 

“I fucking love doors.”

A/N: I know, no cliffhanger this time, just our lil' family being a lil' family (and Joel and Doc fucking each other's brains out. As you do.)

I do have a taglist. Please comment below if you'd like to be added! I try to add everyone I see but if I've missed you, please comment again. If you're on the list below but not getting alerts, it's because Tumblr is being mean and won't functionally let me tag everyone. I've left everyone on the list hoping that will magically change but alas, here we are.

Thank you for being here and for reading this and following along! I'm not sure when we'll get another chapter quite like this one - probably not for a hot minute? It's going to get real plot heavy as we get to Jackson so may as well enjoy it while we can!

Love you all!

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[stoopid-turtle]

hello... 😅 uhm, first of all, i truly am sorry in advance for being awkward 😭 but for once i decided not to let my awkwardness keep me from sharing (what i think/hope are) positive thoughts with a stranger on the internet, so here i am.

i'm not around much and legit only made this acc bc like you i'm a late bloomer here and needed as many outlets for my yizhan/wangxian obsession as i could get my greedy hands on, in the big year of 2023... sigh. anyway, as an avid lover of meta/analysis posts since my early fandom days began around 15 (oof 🥲) years ago, finding your acc was such a lovely surprise. i agree with your views a LOT, and really appreciate how eloquent and well-written your posts are! even more so bc there's a lot i still don't know and most of the time the source material is very hard to reach and/or understand due to the language barrier, so having other turtles to rely on to access those, even if filtered by their own biases/opinions, is wonderful. besides, such input coming from a new fan is also comforting and imo refreshing, juxtaposed with that of older fans... it keeps the fandom alive and all that jazz. it's also very brave given how ruthless some folks can be on the internet, and on this corner in particular 😮‍💨 it just felt like reading my own thoughts written by someone else sometimes. i gasped and nodded at your posts soooo many times djskdjdj thank you for that!

(btw you followed me back the other day and i legit fangirled irl bc ??? whatttttt 😅 i still think it was an accident but okay omg djskdjdj AHEM. sorry)

then today i logged in and read your recent posts feeling squeamish about sharing more thoughts and as much as i 100% relate to you saying that kind of attention makes you anxious, i just... idk, i had to let you know i enjoy everything you post, even though adult life has kept me from being able to read it all so far. i understand you stepping back and i respect that decision, i'm not by any means asking you to go against what you know is best for you. at the same time, i can't help but hope you'll still show up every now and then bc your posts will be missed 🥲 i guess the whole motivation behind this is that it just made me sad to think your valuable insights will be something i'm yet again late to, if that makes sense?

djskdjdj again, i'm so sorry for being awkward and weird and dropping all of this on your inbox unprovoked. you don't have to reply (or read this AT ALL omg 😭😭), in fact i'm so embarrassed by this that you'd probably have to reach me through inquiry lmaooo 💀 anyway, have a great life, thank you so much for the great job, bjyxszd etc ❤️💚💛

Oh, don't be anxious! I'm really not a big deal.

Thank you for dropping into my inbox! I love hearing from other turtles, especially relative newbies, like myself! One of my fav parts of coming out of lurking mode is getting to talk to other people. I kinda follow back anybody who follows me, cause it seems polite? I don't know tumblr etiquette. I just follow the tags when I get the chance.

I appreciate the encouragement! I try to avoid dramatics, so I'm sorry for the upset last week. The situation is largely resolved, and I am feeling more okay. I kinda backed off because I wasn't sure of my footing here in fandom as compared to others, especially as I do think I have some takes that fall outside fandom consensus. Again, I don't mean to rock any boats and I'm not invested in convincing anybody that they should have the same opinions as I do. Hearing from turtles who do want me to continue posting gave me some more confidence there.

So, yeah, I expect I'll post some more as I have time. I'd like to post more on dd (cause he's my fav). I'd also like to try to figure out gg cause that dude is so confusing to me. I do have RL stuff going on, and I don't have the time to be super-active outside of occasional posts. But I'd like keep posting stuff. At least until I get all my Yizhan thoughts out.

[vampiremeerkat]

I kinda need some advice (if you're comfortable giving), how does one keep their cool/sanity in the hellish atmosphere that is fandom nowadays? I really wanna get back to fanart and stuff as purely a hobby (and it was a huge part of my childhood) but considering how much of a warzone it is nowadays, I dunno if I can. Got anything?

Don't think I'm the right person to ask, I've not had that many entanglements with fellow fans throughout my online career. It's easy to assume that's because my overall viewership/online presence is low, but I've had the occasional semi-viral success and always enjoyed more praise than "criticism". I'd say fandoms in general are lenient and supportive, but every and any kind of community in the world has an insufferable minority. They shout and have alot of time on their hands, making it seem like you're dealing with a crowd, but that's never the case. Even if hundreds of people jump you, billions walk the Earth; it's not even a fraction of a percent you've displeased. But here's an actual answer to your question: In short:

Choose your fandoms wisely.

Don't overstay your welcome by sticking with one.

Don't join any online communities or participate in ongoing discourse. You're only here to draw.

Train yourself to understand that nothing in life fucking matters anyway. :(

In ｌｏｎｇ: I switch my focus alot. If I attract fans of a particular fandom, but the next thing I show off is less likely to tickle their interest, most will leave again, and it's kinda protecting me from growing an unsettlingly invested fanbase. Praise and attention never motivated me to stick around with one series for long, because I know what's waiting around the corner and don't want to be known as "the <insert this one piece of media here> artist", anyway. Look at my nonsense and go away, I just want to die alone! I'm also not active at any online forums and rarely look up and comment on other people's work. Spares you alot of "who asked you"-styled responses. I might've not when I was younger, but agree with the sentiment now. Unless you come across something criminal, why intrude on someone else's fun. Grumble about it on your account if you must, but don't take it to theirs.. even though it's valid to argue that posting something online is an automatic invitation for others to critique it, especially when you don't apply any form of visibility restrictions. I don't really care to discuss ideas with fellow fans. Weird claim, since my Tumblr exists, but I started this account to post Deviantart stuff. People showed up one day and started asking questions about the fandoms I've been involved in (or haven't), but it's not my hobby to get deep about a fictional property. Without getting instigated, anyway. I think about a question's subject as I read the words, do my best to dissect the whole thing and not throw around one-sentence replies, but seldom have the answer ready in my head. The3Eds was the only forum I enjoyed myself at, and the things I talked about over there barely had anything to do with Ed, Edd n Eddy. In the end, no one will be able to offer you one foolproof strategy on this matter. There've been many artists in the past who minded their business and were slaughtered by strangers. You need to be the kind of person who doesn't take online verbal abuse to bed. That's hard to do if you're looking for validation. You could avoid large fandoms that are known to attract the overly defensive and offensive, but if you have to tiptoe through life for others, what's even the point. Know that the internet is a luxury you don't have to participate in. Log off for a week or so if you're feeling down, or alternatively, delete all comment notifications indiscriminately as you keep on doing your thing.. unless you insist on deleting negative comments, but I don't think you should. Why stop people from embarrassing themselves in public. I don't think I've ever deleted comments, unless it's copy-pasted stuff/spam, because what often happens is that the poster regrets and deletes it themselves. I suppose that has value too. Allow that shit to stay alive, so the poster may one day return to it and potentially realise they're better than that. It's easier to keep your calm when you humanize your critics, if you can. The way a person expresses themselves may be trash, but what is it they're saying, and can the reason be empathized with? Sometimes you're dealing with someone who's obviously a child. I struggle to get angry at people under the age of 20. But really -and more importantly- no one should waste their time on fighting fellow fans when it concerns an issue that's objectively not important, you have better things to do. Try to close your eyes for it, it's seldom personal, even if the attacks try to be. People can pretend, but they don't know you and never will.

[hunsa-jars]

man

Heyy things are pretty busy and exhausting right now, but I promise I'm trying to be brave about it

Might pop up here tomorrow

Or the day after tomorrow- this week sometime, or I'll go bonkers

Gonna queue this because I really shouldn't be distracting myself more than I already do nhdfdh

Haghhhh I miss you all, I'll be back

(uhh life update under the cut? to the folks who are curious, kinda wanted to mention these at some point anyways)

OI HI TO THE PEOPLE WHO STAYED HOW'S IT GOING

Remember that I said that my phone might be still alive after all? Well.. yeah, no, that was a false alarm, it really did kick the bucket. Temporarily using my sister's old phone until I get a new one this Christmas

And because I'm the way I am, I refuse to change anything about it- like I can't stand the idea of getting used/attached to it when I know in a couple of weeks I'm gonna give it back, so..

So yeah, I don't want to go through the procedures of logging into everything, including Tumblr

I've been avoiding going here anyway, so technically it helps :''')

My attention span is so awful you guys, so mad at myself 24/7 for always looking for excuses to not do my studying routine

Speaking of studying, this is the last week of uni for this year!

BUT exam period is starting next week and I have like 3 exams before Christmas, so fun

Uhhhh remember the board game I mentioned making? Teacher loved it and wants to display it for the university's open day. Pretty glad, worked hard on that thing (even tho it could have been better)

Gonna show you guys once I get it back

Uhhhh did my best with my recorder, my hands were shaking, but the teacher could tell I was only messing up because I was nervous as balls, and not because I didn't know the songs, thank god

My grandma is doing well! Well.. better. We keep her company. My cousins come to visit us twice a week now, so no silent Saturdays or Sundays

FINALLY figured out how to use emulators, so between studying for the January exams and relative visits, I'm gonna finally play Animal Crossing and Earthbound properly (I think I've mentioned using online emulators before, but those distorted the music so much I just couldn't continue with it)

Also was anybody going to tell me that OFF is free?

And Yume Nikki?? On Steam?????? Hello??

Umm also! My little brother sat down with me last Saturday and made me watch Murder Drones (he's hyperfixating and wanted to pass it onto me, spoilers: IT WORKED)

Oh my goodness... that show................................. Plan for another flooding

What else, uh- we're on season 2 of AOT, it's insane, it makes me insane, I wish I could say more without going unhinged

I... i think that's all

To the people who've been tagging me the past few days I SEE YOU ALL, THANK YOU FOR THINKING OF ME, I'LL GET TO IT

Well

See you guys later this week, hopefully, please take care

[internalself]

I want to make a note that if you had you blog terminated for speaking about your experience with identity inconcruence, this is not because it's against tumblr guidelines but that you were spammed with reports.

You CAN get your blog back oftentimes if you badger the email enough- making a workaround could land you in valid trouble.

Part of the reason our pinned makes it clear that we don't advocate to self harm or harm of others, is because if we get termed by spam reporters, it's easy to see our blog was not designed for harm. None of our content is advocating for violence or hate. Nothing about this blog violates community guidelines.

If you get termed, most people say submitting a ticket twice a day is what it takes to get them to pay any attention / not forget you (but 1 a day would probably be best so you arent flagged as spam.) Stay patient, no offense but you aren't going to miss that much in a week or 2 if it takes that long.

"What if I have friends there?" You should always have backup ways to talk to your friends, and risking a perma/IP ban is not worth it IMO.

If your account is termed for a legitimate reason, you should get an email explaining it, if not, it may have been a glitch, which happens disgustingly offen.

When you send a support ticket, don't do it through their email. It doesn't work. You HAVE to do it through their website.

You must include your URL and your email. Stay kind and patient and professional and understanding.

Within the hour or so, you should get an automated response. If you dont- you need to use a different email in the support ticket, because the one you used was declined due to the association with the banned blog. INCLUDE THAT YOUR ACCOUNT EMAIL DID NOT WORK.

Do not check your email for updates, they don't always / simply won't contact you there. Reload your blog every once in a while, if it reappears, log back in.

Making work arounds over and over is not a good look.

These are the guidelines transid blogs are usually spam reported for.

Discussing your relationship with your internal self is not any of these things, if it is, you're doing it wrong. Your discussions should always be kind and with the best interest of the person you are speaking to. If someone is being rude, they are most likely baiting you. Block them, and if you need, turn off the computer and get some fresh air or a change of scenery for a moment and cool off.

They used to do the same thing to blogs discussing nonbinary genders and neopronouns. I remember it- its the exact same attitude, recycled arguments and attack patterns.

There are brighter days coming but until then the best thing to do is to be patient with your platform and to not dignify hatred with a response.

A stunning amount of blogs get ban because of spam reports. Do not assume Staff has it out for you. While I do not stand by MANY of their site choices, they are not maliciously shutting down your blog and ignoring your emails while giggling- queerphobic users are reporting you in mobs for fun, and tumblr is too understaffed and strangely built to always get your support inquiries.

[mabelstone]

im sorry if this prompt is too long T__T the adhd hit

ok ok so like im a sucker for cliche things so like Y/N came home exhausted after a long hospital shift and found Matt asleep on their bed. (the bed is like a single bed) They didn't want to disturb him, so they slept on the floor with just a pillow. In the middle of the night, Matt woke up, feeling thirsty and like saw y/n on the floor sleeping so he felt guilty and carried them to the bed then got some water and then when he came back so like he placed the water down on the side table and it made a sound and then y/n stirs and wakes up and matt is like SHOOT did i wake you up... SOOOORRY and then y/n remembers he doesn't have a bed so they share if that makes sense T__T

omg yes this is amazing because a little secret about me... i'm a nurse teehee

probably a bit embarrassing that tumblr is how i spend my free time but oh well. to be fair, from the moment i graduated high school i began studying, so in a way, this is a treat to myself.

anyway, enjoy <3

Single Bed

Your watch read 12:09am as you stepped out of the elevator, making your way to your front door, gripping your keys tight to stop them from jingling so loud. You slowly propped open the door as a means to stop it from creaking, knowing your boyfriend was probably asleep. With a sigh, you softly kicked your shoes off and walked to your bedroom. You'd just done a 12 hour shift and you were so exhausted. The thought of taking a shower felt equivalent to running a marathon. Nevertheless, you tiptoed into your room and grabbed a pair of pyjama pants and a random singlet, looking over to Matt sleeping peacefully in bed, his long limbs sprawled across the mattress. You hummed to yourself in awe, deciding to use the guest shower rather than the ensuite so he would stay asleep.

In the shower, you got full body chills from just how good it felt to get clean. You loved your job more than anything, but the exhaustion was something you'd never acclimate to. You quickly dried yourself and got changed, too tired to consider dinner. You were just excited to snuggle up with Matt and fall into the deepest sleep of your life.

Except, he'd only just moved in a week ago, and you were known to be a big of a tight ass when it came to money. You had a king-single bed, which would be fine if your boyfriend wasn't freakishly tall. He was still sprawled out like a starfish, taking up even more of the bed than when you'd first got home. You'd agreed to go bed shopping on the weekend, but for now, squishing up against one another would have to do - not that either of you really minded. You knew he'd had just as big of a week as you, so you decided to grab a spare pillow and blanket and sleep on the floor.

He was quite a light sleeper and often struggled to fall back asleep, and truthfully, you could sleep anywhere right now. It seemed that almost as soon as your head hit the pillow, you fell into a state comparable to a coma.

Shortly after you'd fallen asleep, Matt woke up to get a glass of water. He reached out for you in the bed, and jolted awake when he felt nothing but the cold sheet in your spot. In a brief moment of panic, he quickly dialled your number to see why you weren't home yet. Your phone buzzed violently on the bedside table and he quickly hung up, a breath of relief passing his lips when he saw you curled up on the floor. As quietly as possible, he climbed off the bed and leaned down beside you, carefully picking you up bridal style with ease. He gently placed you into bed, tucking you in with a sweet kiss to your forehead.

He went to grab a glass of water, coming back with plans to take your spot on the carpet, though you slept like a log and there was plenty of space. Well, as much space as possible in a king-single. Not able to see well without his glasses and being in the dark, he misjudged the closeness of the bedside table and accidentally slammed the glass down.

He cringed hard at the loud sound, causing you to stir awake.

"Shit, I'm sorry, darling," he apologised, crouching down to run his fingers through your hair. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"Did you put me in bed?" You asked groggily, slightly confused.

"Yeah, I couldn't let you sleep on the floor." He placed another kiss to your forehead. "Go back to sleep." He adjusted himself on the makeshift floor-bed, causing you to frown.

"Whatcha' doing, goose?" You mumbled lazily, eyes half shut.

"I'm going to sleep too?" he stated like it was so obvious, causing you to let out a tiny laugh.

"What, on the floor?" You shook your head at his gesture. You knew he was trying to be sweet, it's what you loved most about him. Beneath his self-assured, at times harsh demeanour was a gentle softie. "Come keep me warm, idiot."

He laughed this time, squishing himself into bed with you. You lived for nights like these. He slid his arm under your neck, bringing your thigh up to rest your leg over his hip, arms engulfing your frame, your head tucked under his chin.

You mumbled your 'love you's, melting into the embrace, basking in the warmth of one another. You fell asleep with a big grin and the happiest heart.

[fallen-in-dreams]

CHAPTER NINE on AO3.

Chapters on Tumblr: One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight.

Pairing: Gaara/Sakura.

Summary: Her descent into madness came after her friends were all dead and before she was sold off like livestock. To him. He knew a thing or two about madness. And there was peace to be found in the violence of that madness. Even if only for a time. Canon divergence AU.

Rated: Mature.

Chapter word count: 9,004.

Status: Ongoing.

Reminder: the tags/warnings are important.

Warnings: dark themes. Arranged marriage (not what you think). Eventual smut (level and degree of that warning being necessary is subjective). Death. Suicide talk. Self-harm. PTSD – expect some well-known symptoms and some not well-known ones. Please don’t read if you’re triggered by psychological &/or emotional-related trauma and effects.

Enjoy. ^_^

Tumblr version:

… Chapter Nine: Little Bits and Pieces of Lies. ...

.:.

When I heard that sound When the walls came down I was thinking about you About you

-- Skin, by Rag’n’Bone Man

.:.

The shift change was a few minutes late.

The guard sighed into the paper wrapping in his mouth, puffing out a few smoke clouds, trying and failing to form it into something recognisable. Last week, Yaeko had tried to show him how to make rings, but he wasn’t very good at it. Impatient, he looked back along the ridge of the tallest tower on Suna’s borders. The walls of his village were large and imposing above him. On ground level, he could still trail his eyes along the entrance where Yaeko was supposed to pop out of five minutes ago.

Bloody woman.

This was just a bad night overall. He had no idea how this particular kunoichi had ever made it as a genin, let alone her current rank of chunin. She was always late. She didn’t own a clock and slept like a log. He’d gone to wake her numerous times only to be kicked in the head, or somewhere more precious, as she startled into consciousness.

I shouldn’t have to deal with this anymore.

As a newly appointed Jounin, guard duty was supposed to be off his roster. But things had not been going according to plan for several years now. He ran a hand down the front of his flak jacket. There was just no getting used to how much more comfortable this uniform made him feel. The rank came with perks, including not having to do guard duty, but the village had been short-handed recently, with the increase in missions and training of more genin squads than usual. So, he’d volunteered. At least for a few shifts before his new team had been organised. There was nothing to do until then, anyway. Rumour had it, open war was upon them, and his specialty was in high demand, even in this Cold War.

He was a sensor.

This was why he felt it; a sudden spike of chakra that was barely there if you weren’t paying attention. He waved a hand sign to two nearby patrol guards, and they paused, also waiting to see what was going on. If it was another attack, they would be ready. The fires that had spread through their home had come from inside, but anything was possible.

All three guards tensed at the soft flash of light. A figure that seemed to appear out of nowhere.

The newly appointed jounin sighed in relief as their visitor stepped into view. Just beyond the gate there was a blind spot of darkness at night-time that even moonlight couldn’t fill. If you never did guard duty, you’d never know it was there.

“Sorry about that,” she said, looking anything but.

The guard stood to attention. “Lady Temari, everyone’s been worried.” He frowned, eyeing the way she was holding herself; her iron fan weapon was doing most of the holding. “And, if you don’t mind me saying, it looks like we have reason to be.”

Temari grunted at him. “I don’t need a medic,” she said, when he opened his mouth to speak again. “I just need to get home. I have to report straight to…” She winced.

He’d met her in person a few times and if there was one thing he’d learned about the oldest of the sand siblings it was that she hated being treated like she was useless. Nobody helped her. She helped herself. That was the rumour too. By the looks of her, she’d used up all her chakra just to get back and it was clearly embarrassing her. She shifted her stance, attempting to look more imposing. Her face was flushed and there were bruises and gashes on her person he was sure were hurting more than she let on.

No need to drag this out, I guess.

He nodded to her, and she visibly relaxed. “Understood.” He motioned to the patrol guards who were still standing in the same wary stance from before Temari had revealed herself. “I can’t leave my post but–”

“No,” she said, “you.”

Was this because he was a jounin? The other guards were chunin. A number of reasons came to mind, but he didn’t know what the big deal was.

“Come on,” she interrupted his thoughts. Temari started towards him, using her fan like a cane.

He nodded again and ordered one of the patrol guards to take his place until he returned. The blonde grimaced as he slid his arm around her. She stumbled and swore under her breath. They took a moment before he suggested using his own brand of the Body Flicker Technique. She seemed amenable.

“What do I call you, Mr Jounin Guard?” She asked as he manoeuvred them better so he could form the signs properly.

“My name is Arata, my lady.”

.:.

It was only an hour. It felt longer. Gaara carried Sakura’s sleeping form into her room after her breakdown, tucking her into the bedsheets, unable to leave her. For an hour. He just sat on the side of the bed, watching her, and resisting the urge to brush the errant strands of pink hair from her face.

She looks so peaceful right now. And he should leave.

But Gaara couldn’t move. Under normal circumstances, he’d feel like a pervert or creeper for hovering while she slept. But he wasn’t paying attention to her body. Not like that. Not right now. Besides, she was tucked up under the blankets. She was hidden. He just couldn’t bring himself to stand up. To move away from her. It felt like he’d be leaving her behind, or something. It was a ludicrous feeling, he knew, but one he felt, nonetheless.

It was an old story, for himself, how much he’d been worrying over her. Objectively, she was supposed to be his fiancé, so his concern was warranted. But there was a line he’d told himself not to cross. He’d never had cause to worry about that until now.

Gaara sighed as Sakura stirred suddenly. She pouted in her sleep, and he found himself smiling. Whatever she was dreaming about, it wasn’t horrid at least. Without thinking, he reached over and brushed those strands of hair away from her eyes and she sighed, settling down.

Don’t think about that.

Gaara looked around the room. It was a spare room, of course. There were too many rooms in this place. Growing up, he’d wondered if all the rooms were for invisible entities, just like the one that lived inside his head. He’d been too scared to check. After his father started trying to kill him, everything changed. His fear went away. When he returned to the family, he checked them one night only to be disappointed. They were just empty bedrooms.

There was a lesson in there, somewhere, about not fearing the unknown.

His eyes skimmed over what Sakura had done with the room, which wasn’t much since she owned so little. The back of the door worried him. What were all those numbers for? He narrowed his eyes. They were a tally. He didn’t understand it.

Finally, Gaara decided to leave. His presence wasn’t doing anything, negative or positive.

Sakura groaned at the same time he felt a flare of chakra that didn’t belong to her, himself, or Kankuro. It was too weak to identify, and he immediately thought of that Root shadow and, what is he up to now? But it wasn’t him.

Gaara took one quick glance at Sakura to make sure she wasn’t disturbed, and quickly left her room.

Kankuro came bumbling out of his room at the same time, with a stunned look on his face. Spotting Gaara, that expression twisted into a coy one. The redhead had just come out of Sakura’s room, after all. Gaara shook his head to silence his question. There were more important things right now. Kankuro nodded silently, and then barrelled down the stairs ahead of his brother.

The weak chakra flare was closer and stronger now.

“Temari.”

He followed his brother down the stairs and into the study at the forefront of the mansion. Surrounded by comfort and a conference table that his sister had once dubbed a war table, Temari stood in the centre of the room. She was alone. But there had been someone with her a moment ago. Gaara and Kankuro both let out a sigh of relief at the sight of their sister. Kankuro made a move like he was going to rush over to her and then stopped. The tears in her clothes, caked blood, and bruises were all obvious. She wasn’t standing under her own power either, her iron fan signature weapon doubling as a leaning post. Her right hand trembled ever so slightly, out of synch with the trembling of her left leg. Gaara swallowed heavily, trying not to imagine all manner of things she’d been through.

She’s alive, he told himself. And that’s all that matters.

Clearing his throat, Kankuro brushed off his hesitation and moved forward. “Temari, I–”

“Settle down,” she interrupted. “Don’t make a fuss.” She moved toward the largest chair in the room, controlling her trembling as best she could, before stumbling. Both of her brothers stepped forward now, moving to help but Temari held up a hand to stop them. She inhaled sharply through her nose and then sank into the thick, leather lined chair with a deep sigh of relief. “Just give me a moment.”

“Do you need a–”

“No.”

Gaara gave Kankuro a pointed look. But his brother just brushed him off.

“Where is the rest of your squad?”

“They’ll be here in the morning,” she said, not looking at them. “They’re worse off than I am. They’ll need the night to rest before making the journey back.” She closed her eyes for a few blissful, quiet moments before forcing herself to sit up. “I thought I should get this information to you as fast as possible.”

Gaara took the scroll from her outstretched hand, meeting her all the way so she wouldn’t strain herself. He gripped it tightly but didn’t move to open it. She raised her eyebrows at him and glared until he sighed and unrolled it. Kankuro moved next to him to read over his shoulder. After a moment, Kankuro made a distinctly unimpressed noise and moved away, while Gaara reread it carefully. Slowly. Again. And again.

“That’s some intel, sis,” Kankuro said, taking one of the other plush chairs and crossing his arms over his chest.

Temari nodded. “They’re on the move again and the daimyo is moving to intercept. Our spotters have lost their whereabouts.”

Gaara let that sink in. The night that Danzo took over Konoha, the Fire Daimyo called an emergency meeting with all the other daimyo. It was a strategic move to prevent the others from acting on the insurgence. The usurper took over with no consequences on the political and inter-village level. The old man had to know that not all the kage were happy about this betrayal. Gaara was not the only one. Even the Raikage had, allegedly, fought with his daimyo over it. But there was nothing to be done beyond complaining, behind the scenes. To publicly condemn Danzo’s actions, given they were sanctioned by a daimyo, would be too risky. It might even be seen as an act of war.

(It was moments like these in which Gaara missed Naruto most of all. He wouldn’t have taken this lying down.)

So, the Leaf Resistance received no help from anyone. Not officially. They fled their village, those that managed to, and roamed the five nations. Officially, they were deserters and were to be either killed or captured on sight. But the past few years had been very quiet on that front. Because they had received help. Gaara had given it to them. When he could.

That’s a complicated can of worms.

“Should we tell Sakura?” Kankuro asked Gaara.

“Sakura?” Temari sat up straight in the chair, wincing at the movement. “Sakura Haruno is here?”

Kankuro snorted. “Do you know any other Sakura’s?”

It was Gaara’s turn to wince. “She is here.”

His sister looked anxious all of a sudden. “Why?”

Kankuro snorted again, this time a little louder. “Because we have a traitor in the council.”

Temari’s eyes widened. “What?”

“Keep your voice down,” Gaara said. Sakura could wake up. They could gather the attention of the Root shadow outside. He felt the beginnings of a headache throbbing behind his eyes.

“Why is she here?”

“Danzo sent her,” Kankuro said. She scoffed but he continued. “He and our esteemed council decided it was high time Gaara is married.”

Temari raised her eyebrows at Gaara, and the redhead scowled at the light twitching of humour at the corner of her mouth. She stamped it down, though. “If we can’t trust the council–”

“We can trust Ebizō,” Gaara interrupted. “I have a deal with him,” he added, when his siblings looked sceptical. “And you forget all he’s done for the village.”

“We don’t forget, Gaara,” she said, pressing a hand to her side again and wincing. “We simply overlook it.”

“What deal?” Kankuro asked.

Gaara glanced up at the ceiling. “If he retires now, that will leave the council in chaos. I persuaded him to remain, to groom Councillor Ryūsa for the position.”

“And what does he get in return?”

Gaara didn’t want to say. It wasn’t horrible. It just wasn’t the most ethical bribe he’d ever made. Lord Ebizō had initially gone into retirement because of Lady Chiyo. He’d stopped caring about the cycle of ninja problems because of his sister. And now she was dead. Ebizō had always been the more rational of the two. If things didn’t improve, his retirement would become impossible. Or permanent, if he was ever attacked, out in that oasis all alone.

“Come on, Gaara!” Kankuro said. “You can tell us.”

“I know that. It’s just…”

“You keep him in the loop,” Temari guessed. “Even when you feel the need to hide things from other council members.”

“It is a mutual exchange of information,” Gaara said. He waved a hand between himself and his siblings. “Us, Baki and Ebizō are the only ones I trust.”

“You trust us enough to not tell us about Ebizō until now?”

Temari frowned. “Shut it, Kankuro.” She turned to Gaara. “What about Sakura? How does she fit into all these machinations?”

“She doesn’t.”

“How could she not?” She pointed to the scroll still in Gaara’s hands. “She deserves to know–”

“No.” Gaara returned her icy stare.

“Why?”

Gaara eased off on his stare but didn’t back down. His ability to protect the village lessened with every person who knew about that. He did not believe for one moment that Sakura Haruno would shout it at the top of her lungs, let alone pass the knowledge along quietly to the last people who should know. It wasn’t the point. But he’d promised Naruto to keep her safe. To keep anyone from the Leaf that ever came into his care safe. He did not know when or why it would happen, but the blond had been adamant. And Gaara would not deny the wishes of a dead man.

He closed his eyes, lightly rubbing a slight pain on his chest. Gaara moved to the third chair, feeling exhausted.

But was his silence truly keeping Sakura safe? What would she do if he told her? Would she try to escape and get herself killed trying to track those people down? She was so broken. It was clear to anyone who spent even a short amount of time around her. Could he believe she wouldn’t do something reckless, heedless of her own safety? And how was she even going to find them anyway? Nobody had, for two years. Gaara’s communications with them had been mostly one-sided. He had no idea, right this moment, how to contact them until they broke that silence themselves.

(But of course, he had been trying to, with no luck so far.)

He had no answers for any of that. But Gaara wasn’t an idiot. He knew she would find out eventually. His plans were in a delicate balance right now and pulling one thread from it could bring the whole thing down.

“We need to find out who the council traitor is first,” he said, his voice stronger than he felt. “That is our main priority.”

Temari looked like she wanted to argue more but thought better of it. She sighed and settled further into the chair, almost like she was trying to merge with it. Silence. The siblings all sat, twiddling their proverbial thumbs. Kankuro wanted to talk more about the state his sister was in. Gaara wanted this discussion to get to the point so he could order her to go see a medic. Temari just wanted a hot bath.

She sighed wistfully. “I didn’t know she was still in Konoha.”

Kankuro nodded, biting the inside of his mouth. “Nobody did, apparently. Fire’s best kept secret. Probably some sick game Danzo is playing.”

“How is she?” She asked.

Gaara understood that Temari was more empathetic to people than her reputation let on, but he was surprised by the concern in her voice. He wondered if it was because of what had happened to the Leaf as a whole. Or maybe she was being protective in remembrance for another Leaf shinobi she continued to pine for, long after his death. Gaara remained quiet, contemplating that while his siblings continued talking.

“How long has she been here?”

“I dunno. Maybe three weeks.”

“What has she been doing, missions, hospital–”

“The council wants her in the wedding plans.”

Temari scoffed. “Old farts.”

“I know right? That’s what I said!”

Their discussion moved from what Sakura was doing to what they planned to do with her. This façade of an engagement. How Gaara had been delaying the preparations. And landed on the pinkette’s thievery.

“Plus,” Kankuro pointed a finger at the air, “I’m pretty sure she’s been stealing ink bottles from Gaara’s study. She asked me for some once but that doesn’t account for how much more I’ve had to buy.”

Temari didn’t look convinced. “Why would she want ink?”

“She claims it’s for journal writing. Or maybe it was for writing letters. I don’t remember.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Gaara interjected as Temari moved to reply. He wasn’t worried about whatever it was Sakura was using the ink for. He had a feeling it was personal, anyway. And if he could help by turning a blind eye, he would. His siblings looked mollified and fell silent. But eventually, Kankuro had to speak. It was a compulsion.

“She’s looking better though.” He waggled his eyebrows at Gaara.

Temari glared at him. “If I could get up without pulling something right now, I’d smack you.” She sighed as her brothers’ expressions grew grim. “About this thing with Danzo…”

That was another can of worms. Temari knew the alliance they had was just for show. But she was behind on why they were going along with it.

Kankuro lost his smile. “His shadows are up to something.”

Temari looked confused for a moment, then it dawned on her. “There’s a Foundation member in the village?”

“I forgot that’s their official name,” he replied, pulling a face. “But yeah, a Root member followed Sakura on this mission of hers. We’re keeping him out of sensitive areas of the village,” he added, when Temari looked scandalised. “And Gaara has a couple of Anbu trailing him at all times. The fucker gets around, let me tell you.”

Temari nodded, then sighed. “It seems I missed a lot.”

“Does that mean you’re staying now?”

“Kankuro,” she said snappily.

“Temari,” he mocked her.

“I have to–”

“No, you don’t,” he snapped. “There are other ninja in this village who can–”

Temari groaned, her voice rising as she interrupted him. “So, you’re fine with others getting hurt and maybe dying in my place while I sit here, holed up and doing nothing of value?”

“Yes! Yes, I am!”

She gripped the arms of her chair painfully, seething and glaring at him as he glared right back. Then she winced and clutched at her side. Temari took a deep breath, her face tinged red with anger. “Well, that’s just–”

“Keep your voices down,” Gaara said, echoing his earlier sentiment. He agreed with Kankuro, but as the Kazekage he couldn’t voice the fact that he’d rather send multiple squadrons out than risk his own sister. Even in front of family. Temari sat back in her chair, staring at the ceiling and Kankuro stood, now pacing behind his armchair. This wasn’t the reunion Gaara had been hoping for. But tension was a given among siblings, no matter their relationship. He waited a few minutes for tempers to settle and opened his mouth to speak again, but Temari beat him to it.

Her eyes had drifted in the direction of the internal staircase. She looked determined. “I want to see her.”

“She is asleep,” Gaara said, ignoring the way Kankuro smirked and waggled his eyebrows, clearly remembering where his brother had been when Temari had returned. “I do not wish to disturb her.”

And she was so exhausted, Gaara doubted she’d be lucid enough for an impromptu visit, even if Temari did wake her up. He had no idea how tiring the events of every day was for her. Especially one as jam packed with work at the hospital as the current day had been. Not to mention how she’d tired herself out with that meltdown. She needed to rest.

Temari nodded slowly. “Okay. In the morning, then.”

“You should get healed up,” Kankuro told her. “You’re no good to anyone in this state,” he added, when she growled at him.

“Kankuro is right,” Gaara said, and she sighed. “You could barely walk into the room and are clearly in pain.”

She glared at them both.

“Temari–”

“Fine. If…” She looked away, her cheeks turning red, “someone could help me to the medical core… thanks.”

Kankuro strode over to her immediately and Gaara stood and ducked to lift her slowly so she could stand. She winced again and he almost called his sand to help but decided to manually move her. They hobbled toward the front door.

Kankuro tapped him on the shoulder. “I’ve got this. You need to rest. You look worse than you did yesterday.”

That was true. His own sleep had been even more strained as of late, as well. Gaara nodded reluctantly and moved out of the way as his brother shifted to guide their sister better. She would not be carried like she was a child, so he kept her upright and grunted under her weight. Perhaps it was her way also, of punishing him for those earlier remarks. Temari spared Gaara a soft look and he smiled at his sister.

“It is not weak to accept help when you need it,” her admonished as Kankuro took her away. He knew she’d heard him. He could only hope she understood.

.:.

The sound of heavy rain startled her out of her cosy dreams. Light streamed into the room and she blinked heavily, a warm smile on her face. There was no rain. It existed only in her mind. But that was okay. She’d slept well, all things considered. Surprisingly enough. Maybe it had something to do with how she’d exhausted herself the previous night. Sakura had cried herself to sleep a number of times over the years but never did it leave her feeling so refreshed, come morning.

Or maybe it was Gaara.

Even if it wasn’t, it made her feel warm. Safe. Content. She snuggled into the bed sheets and poked a tongue at herself, giggling softly into her pillow as she stretched out as far as she could. There was no logical reason for it but she felt ridiculously happy.

Ridiculous.

Whatever it was, she wasn’t going to question it. Sakura closed her eyes and rolled over, away from the sunlight. But the warmth of it on her back was comforting. All she cared about was that post-dream feeling she’d missed having for a very long time. This was what mornings were supposed to feel like. No headaches. No post-nightmare illusions. She wondered idly if the Prazosin she’d stolen from the hospital had anything to do with this but it was probably too early for the effects to kick in.

Not that it mattered, really. She sighed once more before holding her breath, eyes wide.

There’s a new chakra signature in the building.

She sat up quickly and froze, heart racing.

Who is that?

The familiarity of it struck her but she couldn’t place it. They flared and it spiked a few times as though in warning but it came with no war cry or burst of aggressive pulses. No hand signs were being woven.

Just saying, hello or I’m home. What the hell?

But they’d made it through the sealing barrier and whomever they were, Kankuro was with them so she knew it wasn’t an intruder. Sakura laid back down, following Gaara’s chakra as she sensed him leave his room and join Kankuro and the new (but not really new) person down stairs. She smiled. Her housemates had a really predictable sleep schedule.

She knew that Kankuro fell asleep pretty fast, when he was alone. In that case she simply had to wait for about ten minutes of silence, to be sure there were no conscious occupants of the room. Sakura smiled at that, though she was always careful to silence her room as best as possible. It made her wonder if Gaara (or Temari) had ever called him out on how loud he could be.

Gaara was another matter. He clearly still had a residual level of insomnia so if she wanted to sneak down to the first floor (for example), she had to make it look like she was going for a midnight snack. If he found her, she needed an excuse. She liked the snacks they stocked, so it fit.

Or icecream, she thought, remembering the previous encounter she’d had with Gaara. It still burned her with embarrasment. The council wanted to take the kunai back but she felt a weird sense of ownership over it that her anxiety let get out of control. She hated that her weakness was so obvious and that she’d overreacted to the thought of the kunai being taken away. She could still remember the uncontrollable bubble of emotion that raged right over her as she lost control of herself and her common sense.

She sighed.

I need to get up.

Sakura couldn’t lie in bed forever, and she was curious about this new chakra signature. After she quickly showered though, the anxiety had kicked back in so she decided to find out who they were later. Her hand had hovered over the door nob but she wasn’t ready to go out there and face any of them. The owner of the chakra had come upstairs and she realised with startling clarity that she knew who it was.

She still had memories of the tough, no-nonsense kunoichi that had clearly won the heart of her friend. Shikamaru. The thought of him made her eyes moist but she kept the tears from forming. Years ago, there’d been something special between Shikamaru and Temari, mixed in with their mutual griping. And while it hurt her heart to think of them never seeing each other again, she was glad the other kunoichi had survived.

Sakura pressed the palms of her hands against the door, instinctively pushing down her chakra past where she had already done so and listened to the sounds of Temari moving through the house, entering her own room. Followed by a few light crashes like she was tipping something over.

She’s okay?

Sakura wanted to go check but this was enough for now. She pulled away from the door, getting a face full of the messy scribbles of daily kanji she’d been adding to the back of it. She glared at them. No. She could add to it later. The clock on her wall told her it was almost breakfast time. Unlike dinner, breakfast seemed mostly an individual affair in this house.

But six o’clock was too early for her.

Sakura didn’t feel tired anymore though, so she decided to do something else. There was only one other thing that had been on her mind lately. But while she’d already perfected her ink bird creation and sent one scouting around the village, there was little Sakura could do without alerting either the Root shadow or other ninja to any escape attempt. It still felt important to her to use the creatures and find a path out, no matter what happened. But she also needed another provision, if she was ever going to accomplish this. Sakura needed poison. The land of wind had many avenues with which to explore this combat option, but very few that Sakura had any access to. After rattling through a long list of possibilities in her head, on how to do this, only one option stood out as even remotely feesible. She was going to have to find a venomous animal. A local one. A native. Something very dangerous. It was an exciting prospect.

The difference between poison and venom was simple: the former was used to refer to toxins that were injested (eaten, etc), and the later was applied to organisms that bite or sting to inject toxins. The way the foreign substance was introduced into the body was the key. She needed venom.

Sakura knew some poison jutsu learned from Shizune, but did not own any tools that could help. Everything she ever had on her person was highly regulated, even the travelling bag. Objects like her charcoal and a few trinkets she’d collected that had no combat value had only been allowed because they were inocuous and the Foundation members who poked and prodded it weren’t personally aware of any intimate connections they might have.

She had Sai’s charcoal, which he’d left behind in his apartment and was overlooked when Root ransacked the place. A ragged toad figurine that Naruto had startled her with once as a practical joke and she’d found in rubble near his destroyed apartment. A twig from Yamato’s Wood Release from that time he’d used his technique to help her save her dying plant; it had still been in her parent’s house, waiting for her. A fingerless glove of Kakashi’s, minus the metal plate; she’d found it not far from the last known location of his body. And a scrap of material she’d torn from Sasuke’s mostly burnt Konoha headband that was going to be thrown out after a Root member was caught keeping it as a trophy. These items had each been carefully collected over time, starting with the charcoal during her first time free of the Root headquarters.

Sakura ran her fingers over the travel bag without opening it. The urge to do so was strong though. But no, they were best left covered and out of sight. She had trinkets and nothing useful for what she planned to get out of her stay in Suna. She hadn’t gone out of her way to procur weapons or poisons that Danzo hadn’t assigned to her or she hadn’t stolen, in years.

The preparation this kunai was going to need was more complicated than simply dipping it in venom, so her resources were limited. Trying to get everything she needed would draw too much attention.

I can handle this.

She’d had larger stumbling blocks. She just needed to focus on the things she could do more easily, right now. But that venom was non-negotiable.

Sakura had already practised giving instructions to the ink birds she sent on reconnaisance, so she imagined telling one to bring her a poisonous snake wouldn’t be difficult. She just needed the right tools for this job. Ink based tools, to be precise.

Sakura knelt down on the floor of her bedroom, tucking her feet under her bum and opened the stopper for the ink well, laying out the scroll as usual. She didn’t need to reference the book to get the image and proportions right this time. Practice made perfect but only if you were capable of it. She would just have to deal with what came out of this. But the repetitive motions had afforded her more leeway. She could even experiment with the shape more than before. She ran through the familiar movements, bringing the bird to life first and she smiled as it cawed at her.

“Sshh!” She held a finger to her lips and it obediently dipped its head in a show of what this weird version of anthropomorphism would call compliance. It had been loud, but there was no noise from outside her room. No feet rushed to find the source of the noise.

Sakura sighed in relief. “Keep quiet, okay?”

The bird dipped its head once more and flapped its wings.

“Okay.” She cleared her throat. The bird was larger than the rest as she’d modelled it after a vulture (bad artistic skills notwithstanding), though it was still smaller than the real birds of the species. She needed it large enough to catch a viper snake but not so large that many people would be drawn to it. It occurred to her that maybe this bird wasn’t enough. Wherever it found a snake (and Sakura was mostly sure there were some in a sanctuary within Suna itself, but maybe not) it had to grab it without alerting any humans in the area. Or any jutsu that could alert humans.

So another ink animal would be needed to accompany it.

Snakes had numerous natural predators, not the least of which was other snakes. It was perfect.

The size concerns for the ink snake were the same for the ink bird. She settled on forming a few generic looking snakes to test, as she’d done many times for the bird, but didn’t need to do it as much. They were a far simpler design. The snake she settled on reminded her of the viper in the book she’d borrowed from Kankuro and she was proud of how much better she was at that.

Still no better than a five year old’s drawing, mind.

Sakura tested the snake by telling it to leave the kazekage mansion for a few minutes before returning. Her heart raced as she watched it go, her eyes drifting to the clock on her wall as she counted out the seconds. She waited, with the ink bird impatiently hopping around and pecking at her floor (what was up with that?), and waited. Eventually, the snake slithered back in through the open window and she had to muffle a woop of excitement.

“Yes,” she said with a soft hiss and held her hand out to the snake. It moved to her without hesitation and coiled around her wrist, moving gently up her arm. She’d never held a real snake before so Sakura had no idea if these smooth and dry sensations were from the texture of the ink or just her imagination. It felt so soft though, as her poor attempts at scales were not even scales. But she couldn’t stop grinning.

The ink bird hopped over to her and tapped at the ink snake which caused the faux reptile to raise up and hiss at its attacker. It was more of a gurgling sound that only sounded like hissing if you really wanted it to.

“Hey,” she snapped. “Settle down.”

The bird gave her a baleful look that only made her chuckle at it. How did the damn thing have so much personality?

Maybe it stole mine.

That thought caused a new round of giggles from her. Her creations were so sloppy compared to what Sai could’ve done but the immensity of pride she felt over them could not be quashed. She hadn’t created anything for herself in so long, it felt like a lifetime since the last moment she’d ever felt this proud of herself. Sakura couldn’t remember the last time but logically it was from before Danzo’s takeover. Perhaps in the midst of battle or an accomplishment while studying more difficult medical jutsu.

It didn’t even matter.

She felt so free in that moment. So weightless.

I feel like I can take on the world.

If she could recreate these things then her plans were going to be so much easier.

“Okay, here’s the deal,” she said, and both bird and snake facsimiles turned to face her. “I need a venomous snake. A real one. But…” She didn’t want it dead but Sakura also had no experience dealing with live snakes. They were dangerous, even if you chopped off their head. She could use the ink animals to subdue it but there’d always be that underlying fear that it would break loose and bite her. It was not rational for them to bring it back alive.

Sorry.

She sighed. “Let’s try for a viper – they’re native to the desert. Work together. Find something within Suna if you can, but stay out of sight.” She paused. “And kill it first. Quickly. But keep it constrained at all times, and bring the carcass to me, but only if I’m alone, like in this room. Just… don’t be seen.”

No reaction. Their lifeless eyes just stared at her. It was kind of creepy, but she’d prefer these to her look-alike mirage any day. “Now,” she barked.

They moved immediately; the bird hopped up to the window and waited for the snake to slither up to it. Under their own, respective power, they disappeared. Gone through the open window. Sakura watched them vanish, now feeling morose. Her mood dimmed. She had no idea if and when they would return, but despite this, was confident none of this would be in vain.

.:.

There was no excuse to delay it any longer. The day had begun. And like it or not, she had to return to her previous obligations. For now. Fresh on the high of having finally sent her ink creatures out to capture and kill a snake for her venom, Sakura dressed (having already showered), and then tentatively made her way downstairs, knowing all three of the sand siblings were waiting for her.

They were in the kitchen.

Sakura smelled the fried breakfast from the top of the stairs and on the last step, her stomach gurggled painfully. She walked into the kitchen and stopped immediately, her body tensing as one of the figures in the room turned and threw themselves at her. Normally, she’d have ducked out of the way and counterattacked but Sakura found herself rooted to the spot as Temari embraced her. The pinkette didn’t hug her back, despite all the alarm bells ringing in her head, reminding her she probably should. It was a weird way to feel torn. But she did relax into the blonde’s hold and waited her out instead of trying to push her away.

“Come on, Temari,” Kankuro said eventually. “Let her breathe and eat something before you attempt to suffocate her, at least.”

“Sorry.”

Sakura plastered a fake smile to her face as Temari pulled away. The blonde winced immediately.

Bad fake smile.

She was ushered over to the island in the middle of the kitchen, next to Gaara, who gave her a small smile that she easily returned. It seemed they were all waiting for her to do or say something.

“Thank-you,” she whispered, when Kankuro handed her a plate ladden with fired bacon, eggs, and tomato.

“Anything you want to add?” He asked, and she chose some extra bacon and some onion. Lots of it.

Sakura smiled around her food as the siblings fell into silence, thankfully not all staring at her now.

Well this is fun.

.:.

After breakfast, a knock on the door signalled the arrival of Matsuri and Yukata, who had taken over supervisory roles of escorting Sakura to the wedding planning. Gaara had been able to get Sakura out of most of these ridiculous days, but the council had insisted she attend a few days a week, and today was one of those days. He watched her face fall when she realised, but then lighten up when Kankuro flung the door open to reveal her new escorts.

Matsuri and Yukata greeted Temari warmly, clearly having not realised she was back, then did their duty and escorted Sakura away.

Silence fell in their wake. Not that there had been a rabble of noise before then.

Kankuro whistled. “Well, that was interesting.”

Temari’s confusion was evident. She was biting her bottom lip and staring at the door like she was trying to figure out a puzzle. Gaara felt the need to tell her everything. So, he did. In short, stilted sentences, but leaving out all the intimate moments he’d had with Sakura. Just the highlights of the important things.

Temari let out a long-suffering sigh. “Well, fuck me.”

Kankuro laughed and coughed at the same time. She ignored him.

“This complicates things,” she said. “How much have you told her about this fake engagement?”

“He’s been avoiding her,” Kankuro said.

“I have not.”

The brunette just laughed.

“She joins us for dinner every night,” Gaara said. “And… I may have. A little.”

Except for moments like last night. Which they didn’t need the details of.

Temari snorted. “Well, if it’s from some misguided sense of not wanting to get close to her since this marriage thing is clearly a sham, then stop it.” She held up a hand to stop his retort, if in fact he meant to reply when he stood taller and opened his mouth slightly. “Didn’t it ever occur to you that by avoiding her, you might be doing more harm than good? That it could be interpreted as her not being good enough. That you might as well be strangers?”

“Aren’t you overreacting?” Kankuro asked.

“No,” she snapped.

The emotion on her face startled her brothers. Gaara remembered Temari had been on good terms with Sakura several years ago but that hardly equated to the level of protectiveness rolling off her right now. Again, he wondered if it was misdirected concern because of that Leaf shinobi she had grown close to.

“I cannot speak to the reality for those on the front lines,” Gaara said. “She went through… something. I don’t know.” He sighed. “She is not the woman we recall.”

“But–”

“But,” Gaara began, drawing the word out. “I have no intention of allowing harm to come to her for as long as she remains our guest.”

“You should tell her that.”

“I want to,” he said, and sighed again, running a hand over his face. “She is strong but fragile. Anything I say may set her off. She seems so delicate. Like a battered flower more than the emotional teenager from my memories. Last night, she broke down over a kunai that was meant to kill her. I do not wish to add to that.”

“Look,” Temari said, “I can’t say what everyone under Danzo’s tyranny has gone through, but from my own personal, subjective and limited experience with anything to do with that regime, I think that whatever you can imagine she endured, the reality was worse.” Her brothers shared a confused look as she continued. “I’ve heard rumours; nothing that can be corroborated. The Foundation are very good at brainwashing techniques. The really barbaric kind of techniques.”

Kankuro groaned. “What does that mean?”

“Danzo is an expert in sealing jutsu,” she continued, ignoring Kankuro and addressing Gaara. “Rumour has it that he implanted every Root member with his own personal sealing jutsu. I can only imagine what kind of invasive things he’s done to others, including Sakura.”

“Where did you hear all of this?”

“Around.”

“No wonder she is the way she is,” Kankuro said. “I’d have run off by now, in her place.”

Gaara knew from his own experience that a broken mind was easier to predict than most people believed. She had nowhere else to go but back to Konoha. It was familiar. And she likely had no idea the Resistance even existed. What else was she going to do? And he knew that runaway Leaf ninja were not spared quick deaths. It still boggled his mind that she was still a part of all that though.

“Anything’s possible,” Temari said, leaning back against the island in the middle of the kitchen and crossing her arms. “The human psyche is really complicated.”

Gaara didn’t want to talk about this anymore, but these things needed to be said. “She needs therapy.”

“Therapy?” Kankuro was confused.

Another thing he had to explain.

They both gave him strange looks.

“Maybe you could be her therapist,” Temari said. She raised an eyebrow at Gaara when he baulked. “Or maybe I’ll do it.”

“She’ll have to be willing,” he said.

“How to convince Sakura-san to go to a mind medic. Hm.” Kankuro rubbed his chin thoughtfully. He was clearly drawing this out for dramatic effect. “Well, I’m drawing a blank.”

Temari scoffed. “You’re always drawing a blank.”

“There’s no such thing as a mind medic,” Gaara said.

“Oh? I guess I just assumed…”

“Then what was all this talk for?”

“Civilian therapist.”

“Eh, I don’t know about that, Gaara.”

The redhead scowled. “I want to be honest with her. But… I don’t know how.”

“How she’ll take it?”

He nodded. “The civilian therapist said not to force or manipulate her into it. She has to do it willingly. And knowingly.”

“You spoke to a civilian therapist on her behalf?”

Gaara felt his face heat up. But what he was so embarrassed over, he didn’t know.

“Well, at least it’s a start.”

That was that, then. What they needed to do was convince her in a way that didn’t back her into a corner.

“How much of this do we tell her?” Kankuro asked.

“Only what’s necessary,” Gaara replied. “We don’t want to overwhelm her.”

“And we need to kill that Danzo bastard,” Temari said. She rolled her eyes when Gaara raised a non-existent eyebrow. “Don’t try to convince me you’re not planning on it. This isn’t the world that Naruto wanted. And it’s his vision you’re trying to uphold. Everything you’ve been doing behind the scenes, apparently with Lord Ebizō’s approval, has been leading to Danzo’s head on a spike, right?”

Gaara sighed, nodding.

“Then it’s like I said: we need to kill that Danzo bastard.”

“Hell yeah!” Kankuro let out a whoop.

“Let’s hope it all goes according to plan.”

“Don’t be a wet noodle, Gaara.”

“Don’t forget we still have one or more council traitors to deal with first. We can’t move against Danzo until they’re disposed of.”

Temari smiled. “You really are a wet noodle, Gaara.”

He shook his head but couldn’t suppress a smile. They fell silent for a moment. The smell of breakfast still lingered in the air.

“This feels strange,” Temari said. “Talking about Sakura like this behind her back,” she added, when her brothers looked confused. “I know we don’t mean anything by it, it’s just… after everything that’s happened. I think we’re all a little broken.”

Gaara stood up straighter, unable to prevent the pang of guilt he felt at the reminder that he still sent Temari out there in this climate. His sister was too stubborn to just sit on the bench and wait it out. She had also lost someone she loved, just as Sakura had. The Nara boy whose given name Gaara could never remember. Temari didn’t even have the closure of knowing who killed the Leaf ninja, let alone how it happened.

He was just gone.

And that is why she still goes out there.

“You should ask her on a date,” Kankuro said suddenly. He blushed as they both turned to stare at him. “Well, he should.”

“That’s actually not a bad idea,” Temari said, impressed. “He could do it under the guise of getting to know her better because of the engagement.” She poked Gaara’s arm. “Which you will do, regardless. Date her, talk to her, and try to figure out how we can help her in the meantime.”

He sighed and nodded. Gaara wasn’t opposed to the idea, but there were so many ways this could go wrong.

“This is cool,” Kankuro smiled widely. “And if they really hit it off, maybe it won’t be fake anymore.”

Gaara just rolled his eyes.

“In the meantime,” Temari said, rubbing her hands together in a mock evil genius gesture, “go get that date organised.”

“When I return tonight,” he promised, before turning on his heel and leaving.

His siblings watched him leave.

Kankuro gave Temari a one-armed hug. “Aaww, he cares about her.”

“Get off me.” She shoved him away, ignoring his yelp when Kankuro fell over. “Brothers.”

.:.

Where the hell are they?

Sakura had just returned from her day of hellish wedding plans and one of the few things that had gotten her through the day was the hope to see her ink creations returning with a dead snake in her bedroom.

Weird kink.

“Perfect for someone so fucked up.”

Sakura glanced toward the door to her closet where the mirage stood, a maniacal grin on its ugly face a shiver running down her spine. She tried standing up to the damn thing, but it made no difference. It freaked her out. Old and new pain.

“Just admit it: your little experiment failed. You took drugs to sleep better but you’re as fucked up as ever.”

“Shut up.” Sakura started pacing her room. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re just a mindless, stupid, ugly mirage.”

Not mature, but she didn’t care.

The figure floated toward her, and she stepped backward.

“You’re regressing,” it said. “Letting your fears barricade you in this room. Because you know you don’t deserve anything better.”

“You’re wrong.”

It cackled.

Shaking, Sakura moved toward the window and turned away from the ugly mirror that was the mirage. It was like turning your back on an enemy when you know they have a kunai in their hand. Her own kunai was currently tucked in the window frame. She stroked the handle as it sat in the grooves of the frame, lovingly. There were no distinguishing marks, because it had been procured for a man whose final mission was to sneak into the hidden sand village for assassination, but she liked the blandness of it.

And soon it’ll shine. Soon it’ll sing and shine and kill. With poison.

She smiled at that, forcing herself to ignore the mirage, hoping it had disappeared behind her back.

The sunset was still a little while away, so she just stood and watched the light patters of the bright rays as they slowly changed colour to signal the end of the day. A soft breeze made her shiver, but she embraced it. Even the occasional shadowy hint that her Root stalker was nearby didn’t lessen the contentment she felt as she stroked the kunai. Over and over again.

Blessed silence.

And then the sun fell from the sky.

When she finally heard Gaara return and climb the stairs to his room, Sakura pushed away from the window, leaving the kunai behind. The mirage watched as she grabbed the stick of charcoal from her travel bag and wrote the kanji for twenty-four on the back of the door before leaving the room. She wasn’t going to get anywhere just hiding out with her broken psyche. It grinned at her, like it was silently challenging her to do what she was about to do. Or telling her she was too chicken to even try.

I’ll show you.

She drew a deep breath and then threw her bedroom door open. Adrenaline drove her. She moved, forcing herself not to overthink it. If she stopped and ran through the ramifications of what she was about to do, in her mind, she would not be doing it.

Now or never.

Sakura knocked on the door. His door. No hesitation. No fear. Even as she clasped her hands together in an attempt to control the trembling. Noise from within. She gulped. And forced a smile to her face as the door swung open.

Gaara looked a little surprised to see her. She supposed if her chakra wasn’t currently suppressed instinctively, he’d have sensed her coming.

“Hi.”

“Hello.”

Sakura cleared her throat. “Can we talk?”

Gaara moved to let her into his room and closed the door. “I was hoping to speak with you soon.”

“You were?” She was surprised.

Gods this is nerve wracking.

He looked a little nervous now too.

“We should spend some time together.”

What the hell was that?

Her eyes widened. He just blurted it out. The edges of his ears were tinged pink, and his face was slightly flushed. It was cute. He was cute. Incredibly so. She had to hold back a grin. Her heart was racing. In a good way.

“Like a date?”

He nodded. She didn’t think anyone’s face could get that red, that fast. It made her swell with pride. Maybe she could have a little fun with him after all. If he was up to it. If he even knew what that meant. But no matter how excited he was making her; Sakura still felt a bundle of nerves eating at her stomach.

“Okay,” she said, trying not to stutter. He let out a sharp breath and a genuine smiled lit up his face, making her face warm. She tried to return the smile as nonchalantly as possible. “Yeah. I’d l-like that.”

Did someone raise the thermostat? It just got incredibly hot in here.

.:.

[porcelain-flower]

Hey guys it's Esther, formerly feitansporcelaindoll. I know I've been away for awhile. Something happened and I wasn't sure if I should make a life update but here it is. Well for starters, I was being accused of some heinous things and because of that I deleted my tumblr.

I was busy dealing with life and my marriage. August of '23 I logged back in, messaged a certain Feitan mutual to ask how they were doing, only for them to essentially say "people said you're a groomer, so I can't talk to you anymore. Bye" and was promptly blocked. So I messaged ANOTHER mutual asking for clarification and was immediately blocked by them as well. Needless to say I was completely confused and caught off guard. Even though I was bored and pretty much done with the HxH fandom, I WAS going to keep my page active for those who enjoyed my content. But these people ruined that. So my page is gone and I will not be making any further content. In truth it was a hyperfixation, an escape from my abusive marriage. But now I'm in a healthy relationship and I don't need an escape.

Yes while you were busy accusing me, I was dealing with my narcisstic, emotionally and sexually abusive, gaslighting husband of 7 years.

And for the record, groomers abuse, manipulate and exploit. I NEVER did that to anyone.

No. It was happening to me.

While you were accusing me, I was dealing with my abuser. And I was scared every minute. He was narcissistic and controlling, to the point that he forbade me from getting tattoos or even cutting my hair. He gaslit me and constantly tried to coerce me and demand sex, despite my refusals. Seven years I dealt with this. Eventually I found the courage to leave him. The day I did, he had followed me to the store beforehand. I packed some essentials and found a friend's house to stay at. I was there for only a week because he found out who I was staying with and starting texting them and dropping off unwanted gifts at the house. So I found somewhere new to stay. I went back to my ex's house one weekend, when I knew he'd be gone, to get most of my stuff. I was terrified so I had my best friend come with. Then my ex came home unexpectedly. I wasn't going to risk being alone with him so I kept her by my side at all times.

But he wouldn't let me grab my belongings in peace. He put his arm between me and the doorway, stopped me from leaving and forced me to talk to him when all I wanted to do was grab my stuff and go.

Finally I got away and moved back to my home state. But the fear was still there. Every time I saw a car that resembled his, I froze thinking he'd followed me again.

I couldn't even give him my real address or phone number. That's how terrified I was of contact with him. I still am.

The day I got the last of my belongings, my ex made it very clear he wasn't letting me go so easily.

You don't know how terrifying it truly is to be married to someone you don't want to be with anymore and they're refusing to let you go. You do not know what real manipulation looks like.

A year after I had left him, he messaged again, asking if I was ready to come home. It took him a few more months to realize I wasn't coming back.

This is what I endured while you were spreading lies about me.

And I'm not playing dumb or playing victim. I have NO IDEA what I said or did that made people think this of me. And who did I supposedly groom?

Unfortunately we live in a world of guilty until proven innocent. And no one was mature enough to message me, show me proof, or let me know what was going on or being said about me so I couldn't even defend myself at the time.

Well there's no coming back once you've been accused, even falsely accused. I won't be active on here. This will be my only post. I'm locked out of my instagram fan page because I cant recover my password. I still have my personal page for those who knew me well enough to message me there. But I won't do fandoms or fan pages ever again.

The two people I talked to the longest and trusted the most were the fastest to accuse me and block me. Funny how that works.

And Hxytun I do wonder why you deleted all your Fei content as well. I was nothing but a friend to you. I listened to every rant, good or bad. Every conversation about your parents, your brother, you move across states.

Excalibur/feitansblood you're no better. You were a petrified little highschooler so I did my best to listen and give you advice because I knew how hard HS was for me. I was only ever a friend, to BOTH of you. And this is how you repay me. You yourself literally called me "mom" because I gave you advice like a mom would. Although I should've known you wouldn't have my back, seeing as you're pretty much Hxytun's lapdog and do anything they say. It's sad really. Also the fact you've been lying about your age on your accounts is shitty. Even a couple years ago when you were 15 you had your age listed as 19 so you could view explicit content. That's called catfishing btw.

But my heartfelt thanks to those who believed me and supported me. Makes me have a little more faith in humanity.

[high-functioning-lokipath]

Hiiii!!! First, I wanna say you are absolutely amazing and I love your writing!! 💚💚

If it's ok, I'd like to request a Loki x female reader where reader is a writer (fic writer is fine) who may try to push herself too hard to get caught up on what she's working on, but she really loves doing it! And one day she got a not very nice comment, and she gets a little discouraged and be notices, and tries to make her feel better?? If any of this isn't ok it's tooooootally fine!! Thank you for reading!! And again your amazing!! 💚

🍰🐍🍰

@michelleleewise IT'S DONE! FINALLY! WORDS: 1,423

Also I did not beta read even for myself so...

I have kinda been stressing over this ironically bc I REALLY loved the idea but got brain clog...so

Enjoy!!!!!!!

“Everyone! I’d like you to meet Y/N. She’ll be our Social Media Manager for the team,” Tony announces. “She’ll be responsible for any posts by the Avengers' name as well as PSA campaigns and personal posts.” The team all nods and welcomes you to the team.

“Hopefully there won’t be any more incidents like last week, right Tony?” Nat teases. Tony shoots her a look and clears his throat.

“Anyways!” He says loudly. “Please make sure to log out of all Avengers team accounts from your personal devices.”

“You’re the only one who’s-”

“Barnes, one more time and-”

“What? You’ll shoot my parents?”

“Okay! We get it!” Steve yells, standing up.

“This is going to be interesting,” You chuckle.

Over the next few weeks, you find yourself settling in quite nicely. The team is more than welcoming and has no trouble having you make their posts. Except for Tony, of course. Almost everyone has made a post by now, save for the ever illusive god of mischief. The team always asks what you post about on your personal accounts, but you never say, excusing that you don’t want to mix your personal life with business.

There is one thing the team, and really no one else you know in real life, has knowledge of. Tumblr. You have a Tumblr blog. And not just any blog, an Avengers fanfiction blog. And even more specifically, fanfiction about none other than Loki himself. You guarded your phone with your life for this reason. Sam was too nosey, Nat would know just looking at your phone, and Steve would probably be so innocent that he would show Tony to find out what it was. So you never let anyone touch your phone.

Looking back, you probably should have used two different phones, one for work and one for Tumblr. But then again, this wouldn’t have happened if not for that.

The day finally comes when Loki inquires about making a post himself. At first, you think he’s joking, it is April Fools’ after all, but he’s serious. The odd little holiday was seemingly perfect for him. You immediately unlock your phone, all too excited to help him. Unfortunately, you forgot the last app you used was Tumblr and you had not closed out of the app. Thankfully, he doesn’t seem to notice. That night, unbeknownst to you, Loki does a little web surfing himself.

A few days pass and you have forgotten completely about the incident. This particular afternoon, you’re in the library, doing some research for a post only to find yourself not alone.

“Hello, Lady Y/N,” Loki greets, a pleasant smile on his face.

“I’ve told you to leave off this ‘lady’ business,” You reply, chuckling softly. You take a moment to really look around, noticing this room is the most like Loki of all the rooms in the tower. He even seems to have a few personal knick-knacks moved in. “You like to read don’t you?” You say, taking a seat on one of the armchairs.

“How could you tell?” Loki asks with mock surprise, his signature smirk spreading on his lips before he returns to his book. The two of you sit in silence for a while, you eventually finding what you need and making the post. You mindlessly start scrolling and eventually make your way to Tumblr. “What’s this?” Loki asks, suddenly appearing behind you.

“Loki!” You scream, clasping your phone to your chest and falling out of the chair in the process. 

“Oh don’t worry, love. I’ve already been doing my research. I noticed it the other day.” Your face reddens impossibly, your heart pounding in your ears. You open your mouth to say something but your throat tightens, tears welling up in your eyes. You draw your knees up, hoping this is all just a bad dream. “Don’t cry please,” Loki says, cupping your cheek in his hand and sitting down beside you. “I was actually quite impressed. There are quite a few good writers on there. Including yourself. I never thought anyone would actually be a fan of mine,” He admits quietly.

“You’re not mad?” You ask, tears streaming down your cheeks unbidden. “You could have me fired! It’s terribly personal! Why wouldn’t you be angry?”

“Because I happen to be terribly honored and quite flattered. I know there will always be people who don’t like me. Hate me. But I never thought people would like me. Anyone at all besides my mother,” He finishes in a whisper.

"Well, I like you," You say quietly. "If it makes any difference." Loki smiles and chuckles lowly. 

"It certainly does, little one. And I truly don't mind what you write. In fact, if you ever have a question while you're creating one of your stories, I'd be happy to help," He offers. You look up at him with wide eyes.

"You really would do that?" You ask. He nods in reply and you note a slight blush on his cheeks. Neither of you acknowledges the obvious crush you have on each other, both of you being too afraid of heartbreak. 

As the weeks go by, Loki is surprisingly helpful as you write your next series. Unbeknownst to you, Loki made a Tumblr account of his own and followed you. He’s read all your stories and is happy to see the positive feedback you always get. But recently, things have changed a little. You’ve been extra busy handling some damage control and haven’t had time to update. Loki sees the hateful comments start to roll in. None from any of your regular followers of course, but rather from those random people who apparently don’t have anything better to do. 

Where’s the updates?

Come on! Write the next part already!

You promised the next chapter last week!

You can’t possibly be that busy!

With every comment, Loki wants more and more to track those idiots down. But you don’t need more unfavorable press to deal with. So he works out at the gym more. No one asks why all the punching bags are broken even though the Captain is out of the country on a mission.

He notices one night that you are missing from the dinner table. “Stark, where’s the girl?”

“The girl? Oh, you mean Y/N? She’s still working.” Loki nods sharply, concerned for you. None of the other Avengers know how close the two of you have become and he doesn’t want to seem too interested lest it causes you more trouble. 

“I see,” He says. Once the meal is finished, he slips away as quickly as possible to check up on you. “Y/N?” He calls out, entering the floor you work on. Everyone else has left and the floor is dark, save for one small cubical in the corner. He walks up to your desk and finds you face down with your arms over your head. Quiet sobs escape your lips and he frowns. “What’s wrong, Y/N?” He asks, kneeling next to you and putting his hand on your shoulder. 

“It’s just-” You start. “They want me to finish the story but I’m stuck and too tired to force myself to finish it!” Loki sighs softly, rubbing your back.

“You don’t need to finish it because they told you to. You should be able to-”

“You’re kneeling,” You comment, inturrupitng him. Loki gives you a look and clears his throat. 

“That’s not the point! The point-” He yells, taking a deep breath to calm himself. “The point is that you have fun. This is supposed to be a recreational activity, yes?” You nod in reply and he smiles at you. “Then have fun. Anyone who bothers you obviously never learned manners and should be-well, perhaps I should not incriminate myself,” He teases. You laugh and throw yourself at him, hugging him tightly. 

“Loki, you are my hero,” You whisper. You can feel him tense at your words and you pull away, embarrassed. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. It’s just-”

“Will you marry me?”

“What?” You exclaim, looking up at him.

“I mean, will you- would you-could I-” He stutters, face bright red.

“Proverbial cat have your silvertongue, mischief?” You ask, grinning at him.

“May I court you, Lady Y/N?” He finally asks, smiling sweetly at you. “I’m on my knees,” He points out, his regular smirk appearing on his lips.

“Do we get to live happily ever after?” You ask, taking his hands.

“We write our own futures, right?”

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[wlwhq]

hey babies! i am home from my trip! this weekend was awesomely wild - ran a 5k (my first one!!!), ate some delicious snacks, rode some amazing rides, and made some cool memories! not sure when i will get to go back when i normally visit dland two or three times a year, so this was a great way to round out my fav vacation and start 2024 off right.

under the cut are some changes to my activity and how i plan on operating this blog ooc. nothing crazy! but i wanted to keep you all in the loop. i should really make a rules page, maybe i will do that, but in the meantime, ill link this post to my pinned and then you can read it whenever. love u babes

starting with my next adventure in life - i am going back to school starting this week, taking four hugely important classes so i can apply to a rad tech program this summer. basically, if you thought i was slow before (which I am), i am about to get even slower and most likely be dropping things that sit for too long. i am also going to suspend discord writing/rping for the time being, as i already have little to no motivation to get logged onto there when my tumblr drafts get as high as they do.

i am going to be making a point of prioritizing the tumblr replies that (in no particular order) 1) come from people i have befriended and spoken to/plotted with ooc, 2) have been longstanding and either are about to be wrapped up or have a feasible end point, 3) have just been started for me or were plotted/started while i was away (whether things are kept up once the vibe is felt up will be figured out as i go), and 4) i am personally excited about replying to.

im telling ya, it’s going to be a rough semester and i am anticipating my activity going from slow to possibly nonexistent at times. #4 on that list above is most important to me, as this is a hobby and i want to come here as a definite stress reliever & not let it add to my stress. the easiest way to make me feel #4 about our threads or ships or interactions, whatever you wanna call them, is by doing #1. cannot promise fast ooc responses either, but they will definitely be faster than replies. this is not me becoming a “private” multimuse, just a gentle encouragement that if you want “quicker” replies from me from here on out, id prefer that we talk ooc and become friendly if we aren’t already - if you want your replies to not sit as long!

i am sooososos sorry to spring long paragraphs on you time and time again, but i am trying to not disappoint anyone, hurt any feelings, or deter anyone who wants to write with me. in order for me to keep my sanity for the next few months, changing the way that i run this blog is essential. i understand if you want to either drop threads, unfollow, or break the mutual if you’re reading this and are not thrilled about it. i want you to make your dash what you want to make it, the same way i have done with mine! please feel free to message me if you're wanting to be one of those "primary" blogs that i devote my energy to replying to. chances are if you think you are one of them, you are, but still.

tldr; i love you all to the moon and back and this isn't goodbye!!! i shall still be around, just devoting my energy to the things that i have the most muse for because they are plotted out/fangirled about/loved down ooc as well as ic. <3