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#i love how i started this post with 'ignoring the angst stuff...' *proceeds to write angst stuff*
camels-pen · 2 years
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Hey, you guys know the headcanon that Jason still has an autopsy scar?
Consider a moment in a dp dc crossover where Danny was vivisected by someone and has his own Y scar and the batfam, or at least Jason, know at this point that he's a halfa.
Ignoring the angst part, I'd like to imagine Danny seeing Jason's scar for the first time and eventually working up the nerve to ask about it. Jason says it's not a pleasant reminder (that he's died before) and would rather not talk about it. This leads into Danny accidentally hinting at having the same scar on himself (from the vivisection) and Jason just tells him he doesn't need to explain, that Jason gets it and if Danny wants to talk about it/talk about the feelings regarding it, Jason will always lend an ear, no problem.
And Danny is overwhelmed because he never had anyone to talk about it with before; he didn't want to worry his friends/make them feel bad for taking so long to rescue him and Jason speaks bluntly like, all the time, so if he says he'll always lend an ear and it's no problem? Danny just straight up starts bawling.
So they have their little bonding moment and Danny promises to talk with Jason about it eventually. And he does! He absolutely does. There are vague phone calls and overall lots of talk about feelings in the moment. Jason doesn't entirely relate with Danny's feelings sometimes, but he chalks it up to them being different people, Danny being half-ghost, not actually knowing how Danny died, etc etc
(Other times Jason can relate far far too well. Sometimes he relates so much he has to ask Danny to give him time to prevent or manage a panic attack. Sometimes he has to ask for a topic change or to cut the call short, even on his best days. It's frustrating.)
One hot summer day, the batfam decide to have a pool day and they invite Danny to come hang out.
Danny shows up, realizes pool day means going to the pool in their backyard, and has a grand old time. None of the batfam mention his scar, assuming it's like Jason's, and he doesn't mention their scars either.
It's snack time, everybody's got watermelon slices curtosy of Alfred and Danny and Jason are lounging by the pool.
Everything's great.
Someone mentions how Danny is kinda like a mini-Jason because they're both slouched against their chairs and eating in massive bites and spitting their watermelon seeds into the fire pit nearby.
Jason flips them off and Danny says "thanks, it's the vivisection scar"
And everyone goes silent.
Then they're all yelling, "THE WHAT?!"
Cue the batfam realizing very quickly that despite being pretty good at communication sometimes, they definitely dropped the ball here.
-
"Kid- Danny." Jason lowered his tone, something a bit more similar to the voice he used for traumatized kids. "You were vivisected?"
Danny raised an eyebrow. "Uh, yeah. So were you." He jabbed a thumb towards Jason's chest. "That's how you got that scar."
"This is my autopsy scar."
Danny blinked. "Oh." He blinked again, harder this time. He took in a shaky breath. "So, all that stuff you said before was a lie?"
Jason baulked. "No! No, absolutely not. All of it was true, I just thought..."
"You thought it was about my death?"
Jason nodded. "Danny, if I knew, I would've told you exactly what this scar was from immediately. I promise this wasn't a bat thing."
Danny took several deep breaths. "Okay.... Okay."
-
And then uhhh, big talk with lots of feelings and Danny ends up being given a very nice hug from Jason and becomes trapped in his arms/lap for a while like a teddy bear.
As he's falling asleep, Danny mentions having gotten his scar almost six months ago and Jason goes a little feral because he knows that Danny's been dead for well over a year and goddamnit he thought the vivisection was what caused Danny to become a halfa. But now that all the emotions have been dealt with and Danny's nearly asleep, he's reminded of the person who gave Danny his scar rising to the top of his hit list. Or beat-within-an-inch-of-their-life list, if he has to play by bat rules.
When he side eyed Bruce and saw his thunderous gaze with a cracked glass of lemonade in his hand, however, Jason thought he might have more leeway than usual.
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ichigoromi · 11 months
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𝐒𝐚𝐤𝐮𝐬𝐚 𝐊𝐢𝐲𝐨𝐨𝐦𝐢 𝐎𝐧𝐞 𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐭 | 𝐋𝐞𝐭’𝐬 𝐌𝐞𝐞𝐭 𝐀𝐠𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐈𝐧 𝐎𝐮𝐫 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐋𝐢𝐟𝐞
It's been a long time since I've written a Sakusa piece, and I kind of got a little crazy with it.
Judging by the title, it's not your usual fluff.
Pairing: Sakusa Kiyoomi (timeskip) x fem reader! (she/her)
Genre(s): tragedy, angst
Warning(s): terminal illness, reader's death, lots of sad stuff.
Please proceed with caution.
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Sakusa Kiyoomi
“Kiyoomi, let’s break up.”
On the seventh anniversary of our relationship, I decided to break it off with the man that I once decided that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I knew he would propose to me in that fancy restaurant that would have taken months to get a reservation to go in. I even know that he got my dream ring because he hid it in the drawer of his socks compartment.
I broke it off with him because I want him to resent me.
I want him to resent me to the point that he does not want to remember me or forgets all about me.
Why?
He deserves someone better than me because I am a bad person.
After the dinner date, I successfully stopped the proposal and ditched him there and spend the night at a cheap motel. No matter how many times he called or messaged, I ignore all of it. I deleted all the photos we shared together in my phone, so that I will not regret what I am going to do for the next few months.
This was killing me on the inside but I have to do this.
On the first day of post breakup, I packed up all my stuff and send it back to my childhood home back in Okinawa. I wanted to throw all of our pictures hanging around our home, but I want to give him the honours of destroying our happy memories.
I quit my job in Osaka and left for Okinawa. On the same day, the news article of our breakup was released. I felt some weight lifted from my heart. At least he accepted it.
During my first week back, it finally hit me. I broke up with the love of my life. I cried every night to sleep. It was painful, harsh and torture to sleep by myself but it was all of a choice made by myself.
As I was not working anymore, I had more time to spend with my family and helped out with the family small yet bustling inn that was filled with tourist.
Weeks turned into months and it was time for my family to know the truth. It was the first time I saw my tough bear papa bawled like a baby that day. I felt bad but the truth was going to come out sooner or later.
Every evening, either my mother or father would bring me to the beachside for a light walk. They say it was for my own good, but I know they are just worried about me. I guess I should not let them worry more.
Instead of going out for one of my usual night walks, I asked them to give me some privacy.
I prepared three envelopes and begin writing.
Oh, it’s not some love letters. It was my will. One for my parents, another for…him and another one for our baby girl. I used to be a lawyer, so this was a piece of cake for me. Who am I kidding? It’s never easy. I’ve tried written my wills a thousand times but I could not do it.
It kind of seals the deal that I am going to die.
When I received my diagnosis, it was a nightmare in disguise. I was 18 weeks along and…I have cancer. A terminal one at that. Life sure loves me…huh. I have already started on chemo, since I have passed the danger zone but I have lost all my hair.
I hope my baby girl gets her daddy’s luscious dark curls. How do I know if it’s a girl? I just know in my gut feeling that it will be a girl.
Besides, I hope my baby girl looks like him, I don’t want to leave another piece of me behind for him.
This is torture.
Why is life so unfair? I just wanted to be a good lawyer, get married to the love of my life and have children with him. Is it so difficult for me to live a normal life?
But I am glad to see him moving on. I recently read on an article that he was spotted on a date with one of the famous actresses that my mother probably watches.
I am happy for him. Truly, I hope he lives his life for himself and not for me.
My doctors told me that I will be able to carry my baby to full term and that was all I need. I hate chemo but I needed to do it for my baby girl.
There could be a change of events cause Mama’s body is very sick, so I am going to name you Miyuu.
I am going to add in the will in case someone objects to your name.
When my friends flew into Okinawa to see me, they all broke down and bawled like babies. Do I look that terrible? Guess I don’t have the pregnancy glow that most pregnant ladies have.
And yes, I am having a baby girl. My chemo treatment has stopped as we have about eight more weeks to my delivery date.
Everyone was updating on how their life has gone and then they told me about him too.
I am glad that he is moving on well with his life.
That is all that matter, his happiness.
As long he is happy, I can leave this world happily.
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I hear the beeping of the machine and my shallow breathing in the oxygen mask that helps to breathe better. I felt my bump weakly and relaxed when I heard the strong heart beating of my baby girl.
Miyuu, darling, I’m sorry that mummy got sick before you came out to this beautiful world.
I hope you are as healthy as your father, but not the anal person like him. Be more like mummy and make more friends.
But don’t lie to your loved ones like mummy. Always be truthful.
I know you will grow up and be loved by everyone.
Mummy is going to take a rest now, my sweet darling, be safe and healthy.
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“Code blue!”
The flatline, the dreaded beep sounds, the anxiety and helpless of not being able to do anything. The doctors tried their best to stabilise the mother but it was no use. She was gone at the age of 28, and now they have to save the baby in her too.
They promised the young lady that they would save this baby of hers no matter what.
“Call the OBGYN, Paediatric surgeons and book the operation theatre. We have to deliver this baby now. I will inform the family.”
It was all too soon for the family but time was of the essence.
After losing his only daughter, now they have to pray for their granddaughter.
With shaky hands, he signed the form. The form to save his granddaughter but nothing could bring back his daughter. His precious girl that he raised for 28 years old, passed before him.
“Please…please tell me I’m not too late. No…Wait, what is going on?”
Kiyoomi lets out a shaky breath as he slowly approaches the glass window, and saw it all. Your lifeless body lying in there, while the doctors were prepping to go in for an urgent surgery. The baby bump broke him.
Your father wrapped his arms around the tall volleyball player and no words were needed.
He did not even say his last words or even spend your last moments together.
Without a care in the world, he cried in your father’s arms. He was too late, to hold you in his arms, to say I love you for the last time.
At least you did fulfil one of the promises that you make together, half of it, was to build a family with him.
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Every second was agonising as they waited outside the operation theatre. Kiyoomi refused to rest until he knows his baby girl was out safe and he just wanted to hold your hand for the last time.
All this time, you were suffering and he was oblivious to it.
“Babe, it’s so painful. Why didn’t you tell me that you were suffering? Just how much pain were you in? I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…”
His siblings who flew down with him, could only wrapped their arms around him and comfort him.
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[Two months later…]
After putting Miyuu to sleep, Kiyoomi went into your study room. He took a deep breath as he sat down in front of your table. The graduation photo that you took together was still on the table.
And the three envelopes.
He traced your handwriting on the envelope fondly and opened the content.
It was a letter.
Hi babe, can I still call you that after our breakup?
I know what I did was brutal because I want you to resent me. Resent me to the point that you hate seeing my name or remembering me. Forget me all…but I guess you couldn’t since you opened this letter. I wrote my name especially big on this envelope because I hope my name repels you but if you’re here, I’m glad.
My diagnosis was not in our plans at all and I was pregnant. I knew if I told you, you will drop everything and spend your time with me. I am going to die. I don’t want you doing that and regretting it. That’s why I planned the breakup and hiding from you.
When I saw your news of you dating again, I thought, I’m happy that he’s moving on.
But I’m not. I miss you so much. I want to hug and kiss you or get my daily cuddles. There is a lot more that I want to do with you Mimi but I don’t have the time. I hate it so much but I regret this. I love you so much, never once did I forget about our time together.
Please don’t forget about me. I really love you so much that I don’t want you to know that I die, but you were there? Weren’t you?
I’m sorry babe that you have to experience this.
Kiyoomi, take care of our baby girl, Miyuu. I gave her that name because you’re horrible with names! I love you so much.
With lots of love,
Your First and Last  Love of Your Life.
P.s – Check the second drawer for a usb drive.
He wipes his tears and looked for the usb that you have left for him. It was his usb that you ‘borrowed’ from him during your second year of university and never gave it back.
It was videos.
But there was one that you titled it as ‘WATCH THIS FIRST’.
He clicked on it and it was you before you started on your chemo treatment.
“Erm…Hi Mimi. This is a little awkward but I wanted to film this before I start my treatment…so before I turned ugly. I’m sorry for everything, from hiding this and our baby.”
Kiyoomi’s eyes became teary as he watches you wiped your tears away.
“I don’t want to die but I guess it’s inevitable? I love you so much that even words can’t express how much I love you. Since I’m dying soon, I love you more, ‘kay? Please take care of my parents after I’m gone. I have kept my recipe books at the highest shelf where I keep my secret stash of chocolate, so cook those for our daughter.
I didn’t throw out any of our memories. It’s at Mika’s house. I couldn’t do it, so go and take it back.
Our little girl here, I hope that she looks like you but you probably wish that she looks like me, right?
Babe, I wished I had a time machine and went back to the time where I took my health seriously but I guess this is fate too.
Sakusa Kiyoomi, it was an honour to be loved by you in this life. If you don’t mind, can we meet again in our next life? In our next life, please marry me.
I love you so much and I’m sorry.”
And the video ends.
“In the next life, I will make sure we meet again, fall in love and get married and do all the things that we missed in this life. Why are you always right, she does looks like you. Our baby girl, she’s like you. I love you so much, so please let me come to you in the next life.”
For the first time after the birth of his daughter, he smiled for the first time.
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This was written after the movie, More Than Blue. I got lots of inspiration from it and I hope you guys enjoyed it.
Stay safe and healthy,
With love,
Rosalie🍓
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©️ ICHIGOROMI — Please do not plagiarise my work or re-edit and repost as your own.
Reblogs are appreciated!
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s-brant · 3 years
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Pirates and Princesses (8/8)
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(gif: @beccs) (PART SEVEN) (SERIES MASTERLIST)
Summary: JJ must confront his childhood trauma when returning home for the first time since his dad went to jail and prevent it from sabotaging his new relationship. Meanwhile, something sinister happens at the Chateau that brings Y/N face to face with her grief over John B’s death.
Word Count: 13.4k
Warnings: Angst, implied sexual content, strong language, parent/child abuse, mental illness, post-traumatic stress disorder, grief, and fluff.
A/N: Welcome to the final chapter of Tokens! This one has a little bit of everything in it, but it also has detailed scenes about JJ and his dad, so proceed with caution if you’re easily triggered by that topic. The love you guys show this fic warms my heart so much, so thanks to anyone who stuck with this story until this chapter. Hope you enjoy it!
Now that she has been sentenced to both punishments, one as a consequence of the fight with Kacey and the other as a consequence of the stunt she pulled with JJ to break out of ISS, Y/N can confidently say that out of school suspension is superior to in-school suspension by a long shot. Instead of sitting in a humid room with Alec for the duration of multiple school days, she's allowed to stay home, go out surfing, and do whatever she wants in lieu of doing classwork.
She promised herself not to make it a habit, promising the invisible presence of John B that she likes to pretend follows her around that she will never get herself into trouble again, but she sees no problem in enjoying her suspension while it lasts.
For the first few days of her suspension, JJ skipped school to spend it with her. Their memories of the conversation they had at three in the morning on Sunday were fuzzy, but not missing entirely. She noticed a difference in his behavior for the first few hours after they woke up under the tree together for the second time in one week. It wasn't a difference in their relationship or how he treated her, it was a difference in him.
He was quieter than usual as they cleaned up cans of beer and tossed them into the recycling, sending pictures to Kie while she was in class after she made them promise not to throw them in the trash. Rather than cracking jokes or making casual conversation with her, JJ made his way around the yard with the recycling bin in his hands and his head in the clouds. It disappeared as the day progressed, but for a little while, he wasn't completely there.
Today, he went into school instead of ditching to spend extra time with her in between shifts at work and time spent with their friends. Since they can't exceed three consecutive absences without a doctor’s note and he doesn't own a printer or laptop to forage the header from a doctor's office, he had no choice but to part from her this morning.
He bites his lip to contain his smug facial expression at the recollection of her wake up call for him. The hand holding his locker door open for him to lean on in the midst of his not-so-wholesome thoughts of her squeezes the metal hard enough to turn his knuckles white.
The curtains weren't shut all the way when they fell asleep before midnight last night, allowing a shaft of sunlight to shine in and land on his face. But that wasn't what woke him up from the dream he was having. In fact, the reality he opened his eyes to was a hell of a lot better than any dream he remembered.
Most of his memory of those moments spent suspended between consciousness and unconsciousness consisted of feeling her pressing a kiss to his shoulder, then her hands rubbing up and down his waist to slip lower and lower until they settled on the waistband of his underwear. It was then that he woke to find her looking up at him for permission from where she peppered kisses along his chest.
Their eyes met right as she kissed the edge of his nipple with this pleading, needy look that he took pride in causing without actively attempting to. She woke up on the brink of coming undone from a pleasant—to put it tamely—dream about him. With a glimpse at the time displayed on the alarm clock, it didn't take much for her to roll over to wake him up.
It ended with her beneath the sheet, finishing what she started Friday afternoon until he was clutching the pillow beneath his head in the midst of his orgasm. It happened so fast, a fault of how hot he found it to wake up to her wanting him so badly, but it felt slower than it truly was in the early morning haze of exhaustion they felt.
The memory as he relives it is as heady as it felt the first time around. He sees it in fractions; her eyes looking up at his, warm palms finding the familiar planes of his muscular body with the exploratory touch of someone who's never traveled it before, and the intense sensations he felt at the end...It's easy for him to stand here and lose himself in it. Despite the class he has to go to, he bargains with himself for one more second spent in the paradise of his memories before he has to come back to reality.
Reality, as his shitty luck would have it, comes in the form of a familiar feminine voice chirping from behind his back as he replays his morning bliss.
"It's good to see you're alive and well, Maybank."
He decides, based on who he knows he'll see when he turns around, that he might invest in a sharpie to write "Bang head here" on the inside of his locker door for instances like these where he'd rather suffer brain damage than speak to someone he can't stomach the presence of.
When he turns to see Kacey with one arm still stretched to hold his locker open, he doesn't bother concealing the genuine reaction from his face for the sake of her feelings. Any care he had for her and her feelings was thrown to the wind as soon as she decided she could steal from and put her hands on his girl last week. However, after a second of thought, a condescending smirk finds its way to his face.
He says, jerking his chin to vaguely gesture at her bruised up face, "Purple really suits your complexion. It makes your eyes pop, don't you think?"
Though the swelling of her black eye has deflated in the days since the fight that’ll soon tally up to a week, the verbal jab hits right where it intended to if the light leaving her eyes tells him anything. She bounces back after a second, though, ever the relentless pest they've come to see her as.
She offers a sickeningly sweet, yet fake smile to mirror the one gracing his striking features and spins so her back meets the locker beside his, allowing herself to invade his space further.
A collection of Y/N's stickers decorates the inside of his locker door that he briefly entertained the idea of designating as a place to bang his head against. They range from girly, glittery ones to those he willingly picked when she gave him the choice. Whenever they're at his locker together, she sticks one on the inside, and the evidence of the habit catches Kacey's wandering eyes.
Her fingertips brush against the surface of the sticker-covered metal while she ignores his protest of, "Can you not touch my stuff?" to inspect them. Since one of the Pogues in particular is famous for her endless supply of stickers, her expression sours at the thought of the girl responsible for them.
She spares him a quick glance out of the corner of her eye as she continues to analyze the sticker collection against his instructions not to, asking, "Why weren't you at the bonfire?" A failed attempt at a seductive look in his direction makes him fight not to roll his eyes. "After how last year's ended, I thought you wouldn't miss it for the world."
JJ doesn't bother to take a second to think things through before he reaches to slam the door closed with her hand still outstretched inside of it. Watching her pull it away just in time to avoid jamming it in the locker probably pleases him more than it should, but he can't help it. His hand catches on the edge of the door, halting it in place right before it closes where her hand previously rested.
She doesn't look too happy with him when he opens the door with no harm done except for the drop of her stomach when he initially pretended to swing it shut on her bruised knuckles. She didn't get many shots in on Y/N when they fought, but apparently it was enough.
He doesn't bother with the fake niceties she's giving him after the disrespect she showed him, his friends, and, most importantly, his girlfriend. The fact that she thinks she has any right to breathe in his direction, let alone flirt with him, after she stole JB's bandana is criminal. 'Cause not only did she mess with Y/N, she messed with John B on multiple levels, and his loyalty to his best friend hasn't disappeared with death. Kie and Y/N told him everything she said about their departed friend in the locker room last Thursday.
But he's smart enough to know what'll hurt her more, so he doesn't go for the general scolding he imagined giving her in his head. Since he was told everything about the encounter in the locker room, he knows she's still holding their history together near and dear to her heart.
"We stayed home," he says, casual and cool as always, with added emphasis on the first word, "You know how it is, my girl doesn't like parties. Especially not ones with kooks."
Hook, line, and sinker.
She scoffs, "Your girl?"
Looking at her now, he wonders if she was always this stupid, or if this is a new development she's had in the year since he last spent more than a minute or two at a time with her. It’s easier to trick her than it was with Kie and Y/N a few days ago, and those poor girls flew into that trap like moths to a flame.
"That's what I said, isn't it?"
The ire is visible in the way her face tenses up in places, her lips pressing together a little more firmly and her forehead creasing between the brows.
"Doesn't your, um, history bother her?" she asks, and he's gotta give her credit for being a sneaky little shit when given the chance. The girl takes every possible opening she can to strike for a potential weakness. "No offense, but you kinda get around."
He shrugs this time, deciding to drop his casual act and aim straight for the jugular.
"She likes having someone who knows how to fuck her right, actually, but I really appreciate the concern."
Much like Kie's reaction to their matching tattoos in the hot tub the other night, her jaw is unhinged to meet the unswept hallway floor they stand on. It makes him wish Y/N weren't suspended in order for her to see the gobsmacked reaction Kacey has to the harsh dismissal. Though he wouldn't want to incite an extra round of the Kacey vs Y/N WWE showdown by having her watch another girl flirt with him and essentially call him a slut upon rejection, he knows she'd get a kick out of it.
This one's for you, baby, he thinks with a quiet laugh to himself and turns his focus to the sticker collection she so lovingly crafted.
There are plenty of summer themed ones left over from the same pack he gifted her for her birthday with the surfboard sticker she used to tease him, as well as a newer genre of Valentine's Day stickers she started using the closer they grew since first getting together. They're mostly different colored candy hearts with corny phrases ranging from "U SXY THING" to the classic "BE MINE" and one printed with "ANGEL" on it—his favorite by far.
However, others are random ones from her endless stash built up over the years from birthdays and holidays deemed worthy enough by her dad to stop by Dollar Tree for a new pack, so the one he sets his attention on is likely meant for teachers or coaches to give to their students. The opportunity appears too good to be true to him when it clicks, but it isn't.
He peels the sticker off of the locker door, careful not to disturb the ones around it, and leans in closer to her to place it on the front of her tank top.
"Leave us alone or I won't stop her next time," JJ says lowly, past the point of civility, then backs away to slam his locker shut for real this time as his voice raises back to a normal volume, "And keep John B's name out of your mouth, got it?"
All she can do is look down at the sticker placed on her shirt with squinted eyes to try and read it while he walks off in the direction of his next class. It tears away from the fabric with a soft noise, and when she finally reads it, she rolls her eyes.
“Good Try!”
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​​Walking out of school to see the Twinkie parked in the usual spot Y/N takes when she isn't suspended is a delightful treat he didn't know to expect after a rough day in class and his run in with Kacey. His head was hung low on his way to Kie's car to hitch a ride to his house before going home to the Chateau, since he had some things to pick up with his dad out of the picture for the near future, but then he heard her greet them.
JJ's body melts into hers upon contact, and he nearly pushes her up against the closed passenger side door of the van with how hard he hugs her. Though he doesn't want to acknowledge it, his dad has been living in his thoughts more than usual today. Ever since he texted him goodbye, he's been withdrawn inside of his head more and more, and after today's inconveniences, the rising anxiety of his plan to visit home has him two seconds from losing his mind.
Her eyes widen at his zeal, meeting Kie's concerned gaze from over the shoulder she rests her chin on. She stands with her keys swinging around her finger as she watches the couple embrace one another. In an answer to the silent question Y/N asks her in their stare, her lips mouth the words, "His dad," to her.
Deep down, Y/N had a feeling.
It began with his impromptu request to run away with her a few days ago and extended into his uncharacteristically reserved attitude the next morning that receded somewhat, but has yet to fully disappear. There is a part of her that's upset that he hasn't come to her to talk about it, to communicate the way they swore they would, yet she also knows it isn't that simple.
She has to remind herself that she knew what she was getting herself into with him. That's not to say that dating her must be a walk in the park for him, it isn't.
She knows based on the amount of times he had to hold her as she cried, or the time he curtailed her panic attack in this very parking lot, that she hasn't made it easy for him in the aftermath of John B's death. But it's because she knows how it feels that she has such patience with his communication issues.
It's not a conscious choice most times, it's an involuntary blockage preventing the words from being spoken no matter how desperately they long to be. They may have made a promise, but she won't chastise him for succumbing to the same pitfalls as her. It’d be hypocritical.
"Bad day?" she asks.
Her voice is tender with him, prodding gently for a clue as to why he pounced on her on sight. He sinks further into her arms at the sound and lets the sanctity of her touch sway him into submission. Everything about her sets him at ease, if only for a second. Her hand lifts the beat-up red hat from his head to allow the other to brush through his hair.
There's a hum of agreement that she feels vibrating through the center of his chest into hers, and her arms pull tighter around his shoulders in response. This time, when she looks up to see Kie there, she's waving a quick goodbye and setting off toward her car, clearly giving JJ the space he needs.
"We can go to the beach," she says softly, "I have a towel in the back of the van, we can just lay there and talk about it if you want."
The idea of her kind offer to him should add to the comfort he finds in her embrace. It should make him nod and whisper his gratitude to her for being the one person that knows him better than anyone, but it brings him back to the gloomy headspace he was in before seeing her.
It started as a minor distraction when he first arrived at school after carpooling with Kie. It followed him in the quieter moments, only making appearances when he wasn't distracted with more pressing matters. It began as that and built the closer the day came to ending. The sooner his inevitable visit back to his childhood home came, the more he lost himself in his fear, reverting back to a state of helplessness he now occupies with no small amount of shame.
His bottom lip trembles with the urge to cry.
"Can we stop somewhere on the way home first?"
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The last place she expected him to drive the Twinkie is here.
As they made their way down each street, taking each turn necessary to bring them closer to the house he seldom let her go to over the course of their lifelong friendship, she felt her heart begin to race. And now, as the van rolls to a stop in the yard in front of his house, she has swallow back the lump in her throat at the sight of it.
She has only been here a few times.
The first time, she was seven years old.
It was a sweltering summer morning in the Outer Banks for her and John B as they set off to retrieve their friend after he missed their plans to meet up at the Chateau for a day of having fun, riding bikes, and playing on the boat. Pirates and Princesses was her favorite game to play with them because JJ would switch roles with her halfway through when she grew tired of being the damsel John B had to rescue from the most cruel and vicious Captain Jesse James Maybank.
The HMS Pogue would rock beneath his feet as he marched across the deck of the boat and took her place as the kidnapped Princess Routledge. He handed off his "sword" to her, a stick he found in the yard, and stood at the edge of the boat with his hands behind his back as though he were a tied up damsel in distress for her to hold captive. The sun setting behind them laid a picturesque backdrop that made the scene all the more vivid to their imaginative young minds.
The boat floated in the afternoon current as John B approached the pair with his best pretend face of worry for the fair Princess Maybank, who had the sharp sword of the pirate queen pressing into his throat with the threat of death should he have tried to escape.
Sometimes, she'd let John B advance on them and tie make believe rope around her wrists and ankles while he and Princess Maybank claimed their victory. Other times, they'd get backed up until the heels of her sneakers hung off the edge of the slippery deck. One move from her brother would have her yell something along the lines of not taking either of them alive, then she'd let her and JJ fall back into the marsh together with gleeful laughs infiltrating the humid air upon their return to the surface.
On the day he didn't show up, none of that happened. She and John B rode their bikes together along sidewalks until they pulled into a driveway marked with the address number he remembered from the other time he sought him out to play before.
Y/N didn't understand what they were hearing when they pushed their kickstands down and called out for their friend, but John B's little face blanched at the sound flooding out of the opened windows of the dilapidated yellow house. It was a combination of banging against the walls, glass shattering, and childlike shouts of frustration and pain. Her big brother placed himself in front of her protectively when the front door opened and smacked against the side of the house, but it wasn't his dad storming out of the house, it was JJ.
His eyes widened at the sight of the siblings standing there, and his heart dropped to his stomach at the realization that they heard it. Maybe not all of it, but based on how the girl peeking out around John B's shoulder looked at him, they heard some.
The van is parked in the exact same place their bikes once were, the exact place she and John B stood years ago when they were first confronted with the harsh reality about their best friend's home life, and he looks like he has fully backpedaled into the state of mind his childhood self inhabited. Even when he turns the key in the ignition and lets the rumbling engine sputter down in silence, he sits in the driver's seat with his lip drawn between his teeth in thought.
Yet as soon as she summons the courage to say something, he takes a deep breath and opens the door without a warning or the typical instruction for her to stay in the car. He doesn't tell her to follow him in, nor does he order her to stay out as he used to when his dad still lived inside. He gives her the choice to make on her own, and, when faced with the opportunity to support him or stay outside like the confused little girl she once was, she chooses the first option.
Her swift steps kick dirt up from the earth onto her ankles as she follows him out of the van to the front steps of the house. She tries not to make her concern for him as evident as it'd be without her intervention on her way up the porch, but it's impossible to erase every sign of it from her face.
It isn't a particularly special or scary house. It's a normal home that'd likely look more inviting if JJ were still living here to mow the lawn and tend to the household upkeep his father saddled him with since he was old enough to be put to work. But she knows better than to trust the street appeal. As he takes her hand to lead them through the threshold of the haunted structure, she is overcome with a sense of creeping trepidation that she can't shake.
"You're sure he isn't here?" she asks.
The entryway is crowded with stacks of mail his father wasn’t bothered to open, as well as empty cardboard boxes that once held cans of beer that are scattered, empty, in various places around the house. Her question is answered by the state of the rooms they breeze past in the direction of his bedroom, but she needed something to say to fill the silence. With them, they usually don’t feel uncomfortable not speaking to each other, but this feels different.
The way he stares out in front of him with his hand squeezing hers hard enough to cut off circulation unnerves her more than the tainted energy of the house itself. He isn't himself. He's a shell of the JJ they know and love, the JJ who is most comfortable tucked away in the safe walls of the Chateau with their friends, not here. If anything, how he is while he's here is the antithesis of his behavior while living with her.
Ever since John B died, he's practically moved in with her. When they're hidden away in her house without the reminders of his home life in sight, he's usually the caretaker of the relationship. It comes naturally to their dynamic, both with him being slightly older and his promise to take care of her, but everything is flipped here. It's an alternate reality for him, or, perhaps, actual reality smacking him in the face after a carefully constructed two months in utopia with her.
They come to a stop in front of his closed bedroom door.
"He's gone," he says, not even sparing a glance at her for reasons she can't decipher, "He texted me a few days ago to say goodbye."
With that, he turns the doorknob and lets the door swing open to reveal the bedroom she only saw one other time.
The second time, she was thirteen years old.
It was a Friday.
Since his dad was supposed to be at work, they stopped at his house on their way home from school exactly like they did today so he could share with their friends what he got from his cousin the night before. Being the good girl she was, she didn't even know what he was showing her when he dug it out of the backpack in the bottom of his closet.
Her brows furrowed at the ziploc bag, more specifically the contents inside of it. She was knelt down on the floor in front of the opened closet door with her shoulder pressed up against his to inspect it. The dried green cluster of a plant didn't look like anything she'd seen before, and she couldn't help but ask him what the hell it was rather than react the way he knew the others would.
"What is it? It looks like dried up moss."
JJ laughed and pulled another bag with rolling papers and a grinder stowed inside.
"It's weed. My cousin Ricky gave me a discount since—"
He halted mid-sentence abruptly enough to startle her, his head turning in the direction of where he heard a trunk pulling up to the front of the house. Her stare was still set on where he was holding the plastic bags in his hands, and she noticed, after he stopped speaking in reaction to his dad coming home, that his hands began trembling. It was so minimal, she almost didn't catch it until she saw the bag wavering under the light coming in from his window.
Before she could open her mouth to say anything more, she felt his hands on her shoulders shoving her into the closet. He followed in closely behind her and crawled in until they were both crammed into the confined space together. With the closet doors shut in front of them, he clamped a hand over her mouth, whispering in her ear for her to be quiet.
She stands with her arms crossed over herself in the center of his room, and though nothing has yet to be said or done to convince her anything is wrong, that's the exact reason why she feels so unnerved by the entire experience of coming here.
He's silent.
The closet doors are wide open as he stuffs the rest of the clothes he had yet to bring to the Chateau into the biggest bag he could find. He rips through his belongings in a fit of melancholy driven anger. His thoughts are swirling with similar memories to the ones she conjures from being here again, but his are tinged with a darkness hers don't have, even with hearing him crying in pain as a child and hiding in the closet with his hand smothering her mouth to evade his dad.
JJ visibly grimaces at the memories he's forced to relive in flashes with every glimpse he gets of the room he spent so much time hiding in. It used to be more tolerable to be here, or at least easier to suffer through. At least he was used to it before, but he got so accustomed to life somewhere else that the second he was confronted with coming back, he started to fall apart.
Whatever he can't live without, he finds space for it in the bag and prepares to leave the rest behind. But every object he touches and step he takes around the room brings him back to the person who he spent his adolescence simultaneously fleeing and wanting more from. More notably, it brings him back to the train of thought that has been nagging him ever since he texted him over the weekend.
The third and final time she came here was over the summer.
It happened right before Hurricane Agatha waged war on the island, when none of the Pogues heard from JJ for two days after he said he had to go home to help his dad with something. She didn't want to track him down to his house after they went over twenty-four hours without a single message. She didn't want to have to go back to the house that gave her chills to think about, let alone go to again after they hid in his closet when they were younger, but he gave her no other choice.
What was she supposed to do except go check on him where he last said he'd be? After all, if she lived in the hazardous environment he did, he'd do the exact same for her. If their friends were involved in her thoughts at the time, they would've gone out on a limb to say he would've gone beyond what she did to protect her if the situation were flipped. If he knew someone was hurting her, he would've come in swinging first and asked questions later, but, in her defense, he strictly told her to never come back to his house. By walking over in the first place, she was breaking one of the fundamental rules of their friendship.
Nevertheless, she found herself crouching around the side of his house to find his bedroom window and check if he was in there. Kie and Pope weren't aware of what was happening with his dad yet, but she and John B accidentally found out years ago, so she wasn't wondering why he wasn't answering them, she was wondering if he was alive.
Part of her truly thought underneath it all that Luke might've killed him. He might've been too drunk or high and went too far when beating him, too far to the point where he didn't want to risk going to jail to take him to the hospital for help. She couldn't live with herself if she didn't check, and if he got pissed at her for showing up against his wishes and didn't want to speak to her ever again, she could live with that.
She knocked on his window in a cadenced beat loud enough for it to heard through the room but not any further. After the first series of knocks, no one came to the window. It ripped her heart to pieces to wonder if she'd see him again as she continued to knock and allowed the sound to increase in volume in hopes that maybe he was asleep, but it didn't bring anyone to the window.
It wasn't until she turned back around to go to the front of the house again that she bumped right into the solid wall of his chest and was pushed back up against the house. The question of what she was doing there was on the tip of his tongue, but she said something that stopped him from asking it.
Her arms were thrown around his shoulders in a desperate bear hug.
"Oh God, JJ, you scared me half to death!" she cried into the front of his shirt, "I thought he killed you!"
He can't help but think of it as he packs his belongings away for a final time to bid his hellish childhood home goodbye: What kind of life are they going to have together if they can't get off this island? Running away may have been an idealistic drunken fantasy for him to entertain after his conversation with Pope got him to admit his true feelings for her, but they both know his consistency can't be trusted.
One moment, he's planning to tell her. The next, a day like today comes along, sweeps his legs out from beneath his body, and he's questioning whether it's worth it to force her to put up with his fickle commitment to her. It isn't fair to her, is it?
Right now is just about when he'd normally start to hyperventilate with an oncoming wave of panic, and he does, but he can't let it fully sweep into him with her here. He fights the urge to smack his head with the heel of his palm, as if that'd forcibly remove the poisonous thoughts infiltrating his mind and ruining the careful work they've done together to remedy their issues with communicating their feelings.
Just like you ruin everything, a thought whispers in the corner of his mind. What made you think this would be any different?
His actions around the room have turned somewhat aimless and distracted, which she notices as soon as he starts to disintegrate into a mess of heavy breaths and self-sabotaging thoughts. She picks up on the shift in his energy as soon as the anxiety starts to wash over him, and she'll be damned if she continues to stand here quietly to let it happen.
It's one thing if he's being silent because being here upsets him, or if he simply doesn't know what to say, but she refuses to let him tailspin into a mental breakdown without doing something to stop it. Whether he knows it or not, after what they went through with him trying to push her away last week, she knows what's occurring within his mind right now.
He flinches at the feeling of her hand grabbing his shoulder to turn him to face her at first, and when she reaches again with her other hand to try to hold his hand as he cries, he shrugs off her touch.
"JJ..." she lets the solemn sound of her own voice murmuring his name trail off, "it's just me."
His head shakes at her consoling words. Everything else inside of his mind is so earth-shatteringly loud, he can't drown it out with logic or reason to bring himself away from the memories of his dad. Those intrusive thoughts keep attacking him with doubled, then tripled force the harder he tries to resist them, and he's so exhausted from it. All of it—the memories, his dad going to jail, and his inability to accept her love to its fullest extent without convincing himself she'll abandon him—is exhausting.
This time, when she rests her hand on his shoulder, he swats it away as the frustration of today crushing him with the force of an avalanche. Not to hurt or scare her, but to get her hands off of him before he bursts out of his skin with the sickness it stirs in his stomach. So detached from himself, he anticipates pain from every touch she gives him, and he knows it hurts her.
JJ hardly recognizes his own voice as he backs away from her a step and says, "Don't."
He can tell it hurts her based on how she looks at him immediately after, but he can't handle being touched right now. How did this happen so quickly? It was overwhelming when they first parked outside, but as soon as he stepped foot inside, it was as if a switch was flipped inside of him and all of the buried feelings he kept hidden over the past two weeks exploded into this.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to—"
"You need to leave. I just-I can't breathe and"—He still refuses to look up from the ground or see her face as he paces around the room with no real intent in mind—"You can't see me like this."
That is what breaks her out of her soft spoken, timid attitude to handle the situation the way it needs to be handled. Their natural dynamic worked best for him to take charge when she had her panic attack because JJ acts first and thinks later. He saw that she was in distress and jumped in to help her before things got worse rather than allowing her to keep him at an arms length where he couldn't do anything about it.
Taking a page from his rule book, she takes action.
The room surrounding them is in a state of disarray from him searching through it for the items of clothing and objects now stashed in his duffel bag. There are multiple obstacles in her way as she steps between them like navigating a minefield to reach him after he backed away in instinctual fear, but they don't stop her from reaching him. Nothing could.
Y/N walks right up to him and reaches to grasp his face between her hands, forcing him to stop pacing around and actually look at her for the first time since they arrived her so he hears what she says. To say the least, the way he looks right now is enough to make her cry. There are tears welled up to the brims of his blue eyes, his lips are downturned with his sobs, and he's staring at her like she's about to strike him.
She says it as slowly and clearly as she needs to get it through his head, "He's not here," and before he manages to squeeze out another word of doubt between his rapid inhalations, she cuts in, "Take deep breaths."
He isn't listening to her.
The movement of his chest that hits hers from how close they stand to each other has yet to settle into the familiar pace she remembers from nights of falling asleep with the rhythm of his breaths beneath her head.
Her eyes search his face frantically, from left to right and top to bottom, for any sign of the person she's known for years, but she doesn't see him. Instead, she sees the same panicked child her and John B saw the first time they visited this house. It's uncanny how similar the expression in his face is. It feels to her as if she's been hurled back in time to the moment itself, and when she tries to think about what would've worked with him back then, she doesn't know what else to do except help him escape.
So, with the helplessness of having to watch him turn into a sobbing, incoherent mess, she decides to step into the darkness with him and do what seven year old Y/N would've done. Just like their games of make believe, of pirates and princesses, she assumes the role John B would have and rescues him from what holds him captive. It’s his own mind in this case, but, in the physical sense, it's the house.
She drops her hands from his face and takes his hand in hers to drag him out of the room. The packed bag sits on the floor in their wake as she pulls him back through the bedroom door and into the living room, not caring about what they came here to do.
It doesn't matter anymore.
The various rooms of his dad's house pass by them in a blur as she leads him down the hallway to the front door with one sole objective in mind: get him out of here. If he wants his stuff to bring back to the Chateau, she'll go back inside and get whatever he needs her to, but she isn't letting him inside of this house again. Not under her watch.
Thankfully, since he is undeniably stronger than her and she wouldn't have stood a chance, he doesn't fight it. He stumbles after her guiding hand the same way he always has, just like how he followed her back to the Chateau after she and John B saw him that day when they were kids. She led the way as he sat on the handlebars of her brother's bike, and he watched her hair flutter in the wind with the momentum of their bicycle spokes until the tears dried up.
He watches her drag him out of the home until they've reached the safety of the yard at the bottom of the porch steps, and as soon as the soles of her shoes meet the dirt, she feels his hand slipping out of hers.
"JJ?"
She turns around to see him clutching his chest, rubbing his hand along the front of his shirt over his heart as though it'll loosen up the tightened muscles preventing him from catching his breath. His body weight is leaned onto the railing of the porch steps for support. He's partially slumped on it, looking at her desperately, like she somehow knows the answer to every question screamed inside of his head, and she has never felt as useless.
"You're gonna leave," JJ says through the gasps and cries that leave his cheeks stained with tears.
When she reaches out again to help him remain upright without leaning over the railing, he doesn't shove her hands away as he did inside of his bedroom. It's a small battle won, but she takes it as a win nonetheless.
"What are you saying? I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere—"
"You're gonna leave! Everybody does! My mom, John B, my dad, and you"—his head falls to look at the ground instead of her, and she watches him work through it in his head—"I mean, look at me. You don't want this."
"Don't tell me what I want," she says.
Her voice remains as steady and calm as she can force it to be amidst the turbulent situation, but the way he said it...It takes her right back to sitting in the back of the Twinkie with him at the Cherry Bowl, except it's ten times worse. That felt like a break up, but based on what he's saying, this is one. She hasn't prepared herself for the heartache she feels in response to it.
"You don't want me, you just think you do 'cause I was there after John B died, but you don't. You're gonna go off, find some perfect guy that isn't as fucked up as me, and have a great life somewhere else, but it ain't here," JJ says, his breathing evening out with the distraction of the argument to keep him tethered tor reality, "And it won't be with me."
He can see it every time he's looked at her and debated saying those three titular words that have been floating around in his head since he first met her.
How could she want someone who can't walk into his childhood bedroom without breaking down, or someone who still has years-old scars from cigarette burns on his skin when she touches him? Her bright future contrasted with his pre-designated fate on the Cut, her personality better matched with someone more similar to her, her life continuing on whether he's there or not—it's his worst nightmare, but he's prepared to see it through.
What he doesn't expect is for her to hold her ground.
"You honestly think I'm buying into that bullshit?" she asks.
"What?"
She doesn't put it softly, she states facts with as much harshness as his cruel fantasy had, "You're trying to push me away and I won't let you."
Her typically sweet, soft features have hardened into a bitter expression he's sure he mirrors. The arms holding his waist to keep him upright move to climb up his chest and cup his face between her hands with all of the gentleness her face and voice don't have right now.
She sees right through him.
When he tries to look away again, to avert his eyes to make what he's trying to do easier on himself by not having to look at her when he does it, her grasp on his face holds firm. Her hands guide his chin back up so they're face to face, and he realizes what a mistake everyone makes in assuming her this dainty, broken girl whose only source of strength came from the brother she lost. She's a forest fire.
"You're not hearing what I'm saying—"
Y/N interjects, "I am hearing what you're saying, I'm just saying it's bullshit."
She refuses to let him off the hook, and though it frustrates him on the surface, deep down, it makes him fall in love with her all over again. Her insistence against his speech about her leaving him proves him wrong more than anything else could, 'cause he gave her the perfect chance to dip and she shot it down instantly.
The house looms behind them as a menacing presence that threatens to take control of him again, but she doesn't let it. She keeps his eyes on her no matter how many times he tries to look away and doesn't let anything get in the way of what she says next.
"You think that if you push me away and get me to leave you right now, it'll hurt less than it would if I did it later, and I don't accept that. I won't take the bait and let you torture yourself anymore, okay? I can't speak for anyone else, but I know I'll never leave you. Not willingly, anyway."
She looks into his eyes, and this time its softer, more loving, and he's never felt as understood as he does when she continues to speak.
"I'm in love with you. Whether it scares you or not, it's the truth, and I'll never stop saying it. If you think that your issues with your dad are gonna change that for me, you've officially lost your mind." Their noses brush as she leans in to ghost a kiss over his mouth and pulls away a second later to whisper, her forehead pressed to his, "I love you, JJ. Stop being so stubborn and just let me."
His next breath in trembles as he lets her words sink in, and he's stuck at a crossroads inside of himself without a clue of what to do.
The breeze blows her hair away from her face, the afternoon sunshine painting her golden, and when he sees her hair flutter in the air like it did so many years ago, he can't help but feel as calm as he did during their bike ride home. The further away he got from his dad and the house where it all happened, the calmer he grew, and it hits him at this moment that he's so taken aback by her confession to him, he forgot why he was so upset.
It's sobering. The intoxication of his panic hurtled him back in time to the frightened, childlike state of mind his dad's violent abuse often sent him to, but it was hearing her say those words he's feared for weeks that brought him back. Like the jolt of a defibrillator, he's roused back to life with more clarity than before.
She loves him, but, perhaps more importantly, she said she'd never leave him, and that is what he needed to hear more than anything. That is the statement worth more to him than the four letter word he has agonized over endlessly. No one else every attached the promise of "I love you" with the stipulation of it lasting forever. They said the empty words and contradicted it with their actions, but she hasn't done that. Her actions spoke the words long before her mouth did.
He sighs.
It's a deep, yearning sigh that sends him melting into her with the acceptance of what he's denied for too long. He savors the hands cradling his head, as well as the body pressed up against his that he has memorized down to every beauty mark and imperfection, and makes the right choice.
It isn't like it was the night at the Cherry Bowl, or the night he spoke to Pope about it. It still takes more bravery than he possesses to form the words, but there isn't a physical incapability stopping him anymore. It's just him against the trauma beckoning him into its trap again, and he won't let it lure him back into that house.
"Alright," JJ says to her through a sniffle in acceptance to her command, as if he were agreeing on afternoon surfing plans rather than something as monumental as allowing someone to love him, then continues onto with a timid tone, "I love you too."
Before he can watch for her reaction, she's surging forward through the few inches of space left between them to connect their lips in a kiss.
It's vastly different to the kiss they shared in the hallway at school last Friday. In contrast to that one, the reigning emotion within him that drives the kiss after the hesitant beginning doesn't lead them into increased intensity, it gets gentler. It doesn't explode into chaos and passion, it's a tired kiss that he never wants to retreat from. It's the physical manifestation of his feelings for her underneath the guarded exterior he uses to protect himself: gentle and yielding, yet undeniably powerful.
He feels her smiling through her tears against his mouth. In the face of everything that happened this afternoon, he doesn't feel like he should be smiling back at her, but he does. He smiles while kissing her with tears streaming down his face, still reeling from his traumatic response to coming home for the final time, and wonders how a person can feel such contradicting emotions all at once.
Y/N is the one who starts to pull away first, though it's only to check in on him. If she had it her way, she could stay here with him until the sun sets, but he did just come back from the brink of a full-blown panic attack, so she can't in good conscience ignore his well-being for the momentary bliss of their love confessions.
Her thumb brushes over his bottom lip, her smile drooping with worry as she asks, "Wanna spend the rest of the day on the boat? You always say being on the water makes you feel better. Maybe it'll make it easier to talk about it."
His Adam's apple bobs with how he swallows the lump in his throat.
"Can we maybe take baby steps for now? I don't think I can handle telling you all that shit yet."
It was already enough to allow her to follow him into the house, watch him break down into a fit of panic no one else has seen him in, and tell her he loved her, but it'd cross the line into uncharted territory to talk about everything between him and his dad so openly. Between the minor annoyance of dealing with Kacey to this hellish visit home, he thinks he's reached his quota on feeling uncomfortable today.
She nods in agreement.
"Baby steps."
Drawn back to each other by a force stronger than gravity, they collide again, but it isn't a kiss this time. It's a hug charged with all of the previously unspoken emotions they've buried inside of themselves for years, the same hug she gave him the last time she came to this house with the fear of his potential death lingering in her thoughts.
She throws herself at him with the same desperation she did that day and relishes the feeling of his muscular arms returning the embrace until their bodies are tangled together. She'd usually never refer to something as inherently affectionate as an embrace as violent, but it's the closest she can come to capturing how it feels as their bodies meet. It makes her lose her footing on the bottom step they stand on together, teetering on the edge she'd surely slip off of with the force if not for him keeping her steady.
He's about to say something, a thank you to her for calling him out on his bullshit and not letting him go that easily, when the grating sound of her ringtone blares from the back pocket of her denim shorts.
The contact popping up on the screen along with a series of frantic messages when she pulls away from him to answer shows Pope's name.
Pope You and JJ need to get back to the Chateau ASAP!!
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The van doors slam shut behind Y/N and JJ as soon as it rolls to a stop in front of the Chateau.
Under the assumption that something dire happened, as in injury or death or catastrophic damage to the house itself, they bolted off of that porch faster than they knew they could move. She only turned back when she remembered the packed back of JJ's things they abandoned on his bedroom floor and, not wanting him to reenter the house, she brought it back to the Twinkie in record time.
They're preparing to trample up the porch into the house like a stampede of animals when they hear Kie calling them over to the backyard and change direction.
"No one's hurt!" she shouts, knowing that was likely where their minds went after everything they went through during the summer, "You have to see this though, I don't know who did it!"
Sticks and fallen leaves crunch beneath her feet on her way around the side of the house. Her mind races with the possibility of what could've happened that didn't hurt their friends but necessitated a series of texts and calls as frantic as the ones she received at JJ's house. She drove over here in defiance of the speed limit, something she rarely does, and prayed nothing terrible was happening.
It gave her flashbacks to when she found out John B and Sarah died in the storm. The pedal beneath her foot brought the van to an uncomfortably swift speed, then she remembered the sound of Shoupe's voice when he gave them the news. JJ warned her to slow down, then she remembered how it took multiple people to help her restrain him from attacking the new sheriff for letting his men drive their friends into their deaths.
At first, she doesn't realize what's wrong.
Kiara and Pope are standing and waiting for them across the grass near the large tree that sits as a centerpiece to their yard. Based on the body language screaming their frustration and the tears in their eyes, she can tell something bad did happen, but it's not clear what it is until she looks past them to the tree. More specifically, until she looks at what's on the tree.
"Oh my god," she whispers to herself.
Her hand is already up to cover her mouth and conceal the instantaneous frown besmirching her previously relaxed face. They both are stopped in their tracks halfway to where their friends are standing, and she can’t hear JJ's reaction over the rising volume of her hysterical thoughts.
Spray painted in red on top of their memorial for John B are the words "COP KILLER" in bold letters that conceal what they burned into the tree trunk for his gravestone. It sticks out from the beauty of the greens, browns, blues, and swathes of other earthy tones composing the scenery around the Chateau like a thorn amongst flowers, so much so that she wonders how she didn't instantly see it when they rounded the corner to come back here.
Yet that isn't the only thing amiss in the peaceful sanctuary they call home, there are random things strewn around the ground around the tree. An old t-shirt spray painted with the word "murderer" on the front, four ripped up envelopes, and a gorgeous mahogany jewelry box...broken on the grass.
The freshly turned dirt they had the contents of the box buried beneath is scattered around the trashed area as well. It clicks with her a few seconds late that whoever came here to do this must have seen the pinwheel she put in the ground to mark the "grave" and dug it up to add insult to injury.
She moves forward without consciously realizing it and stumbles until she reaches the first object of the debris field. Before this, she was doing a masterful job of holding in her cries, but as soon as she crouches down to pick up the pieces of the jewelry box, the lid snapped clean off the hinges to separate it from the bottom section, it comes rushing out of her against her will. The first unrestrained keen is the first thing to snap JJ out of his shell shocked trance.
He walks after her as fast as his legs will take him without breaking into a run, but she isn't letting him get close before she puts the box back down and shuffles forward to collect the torn letter remains. She doesn't want them to get blown away by the wind anymore than they already might have been, so she scrambles to gather the pieces until they're cupped in her hands to protect them.
"Why?" she asks and looks up at Kie and Pope with tears dripping down her face, "Why would anyone do this? Who would do this?"
Pope says, "My guess is as good as yours. We didn't see anyone leaving when we got here, so it must've happened before school ended. This is all we saw before we called you guys."
For a second or two, JJ is grasping at straws for why this happened and who did it like the rest of them are, but then something Pope said makes it click into place. It sets off a domino effect in his mind as he brings back the memory of a certain offspring of satan being absent from gym this afternoon despite being at school earlier, since his encounter with her before Physics made him, unfortunately, aware of her existence again.
His face is set in anger, jaw clenching with the tension of him grinding his teeth together, and he takes his hat off to fidget with it between his hands for a second. Their friends are too focused on her crying to see him contemplating it, but as soon as he speaks, they look up to see him setting his hat back onto his head in preparation to leave and track Kacey down.
Y/N's head snaps up from the torn letters in her hands to the sight of him storming off across the yard with his only goodbye being the words, "I'm gonna kill that bitch."
Her and Pope stare after him in shock, unable to put the pieces together about who that "bitch" is, but Kie doesn't miss a single beat. While Y/N is crumpled over on the ground in tears, she's rushing after JJ before he can approach the bike parked in front of the house. He doesn't even make it five steps before he feels her hands latching onto his wrist to stop him.
She asks, "Who the hell are you talking about? And why would they do this?"
His eyes narrow at her. His unreleased frustration for the situation in general and having to watch Y/N cry after an emotional afternoon together comes rushing out when he snaps at her.
"Kacey. She talked shit at school and I put her in her place. Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna pay her a little visit."
He yanks his arm sharply towards himself to free it from her grip, but she's a step ahead of him. Quicker than he can think to stop her, Kie swipes the keys hanging out of his back pocket away and throws them to Pope, who, bless his heart, can't catch to save his life. The key ring jingles with its contact at the dead center of his chest, and she mouths an apology to him before turning back to face JJ.
"What the fuck, Kie?"
He makes to stomp past her and retrieve the keys from Pope only to be stopped by her hands reaching out to grab his shoulders.
"Listen to me, you can't go anywhere. Look at her," she whispers lowly enough to keep Y/N from hearing, pointing behind her to where she sits on the ground with Pope knelt beside her, "I wouldn't put it past Kacey to pull a stunt like this. I'm just as mad as you, but revenge can wait and you know it. She needs you."
The fury visible in his expression is subdued by looking past Kie's shoulder to see Y/N crying softly to Pope about the vandalized memorial.
The last time he saw her so distraught over something, it was the day they made the memorial and buried the box in the first place. She sits on her knees with her mom's broken jewelry box between them, shuddering with the sobs she has no control over, and pours the torn paper into the empty bottom half of the box. Exhausted to the core, she looks more like a sullen, kicked puppy than she does herself.
It makes his anger-fueled instincts that urge him to hunt Kacey down and do something, anything he can to make her feel the pain they do right now bubble down into sorrow. It's visible in his eyes when he looks at her.
Kie knows she's gotten under his skin when he sighs, sparing a parting glance to the bike in the driveway, and nods once at her before setting off back to where they're sitting in the grass.
Meanwhile, Y/N is stuck staring down at the disarray of her backyard with nothing but pain aching through her to the bone.
Her brother did wrong things sometimes as a consequence of being human, but never this, never something worthy of having his name dragged through the mud and being branded a murderer after his death. He stole scuba gear from Ward and broke dozens of laws in their hunt for the gold, but he never crossed that line into moral bankruptcy. Rafe did, and it kills JJ to see someone like Kacey do this to his best friend while hanging off of Rafe and his friends like a leech.
The fabric of his worn t-shirt is tarnished by the dried paint clinging to the front of it to the spell the lie written there, and her vision blurs with tears for what feels like the millionth time in the span of an hour. First, it was JJ. Now, it's John B, and she can't help but wonder if the heartache will ever end. It began to feel better over the course of the week, her grief for him slowly beginning to slip from her mind until now. Until the storm clouds converged again to batter her with another wave of it.
Through the deafening volume of her mind racing with thoughts and feelings to process what's happened, she hears Pope shuffling around to stand on his feet. Then, another person sits down in his place and scoots closer until their bodies are touching, and she knows it's him. She doesn't have to wait to hear his voice or look to see his face, she can tell based on the feeling of his touch and the smell of him she's so intimately familiar with, yet couldn't describe it aloud if she tried.
He doesn't smother her. He sits close enough to touch her and doesn't push it any further.
The background of the pale, cloudless sky frames him in the foreground like the subject of a painting—a living, breathing painting that she could study endlessly. The other trees planted in the yard's leaves flutter distantly behind him and try to draw her gaze away, but she keeps her eyes on him.
Maybe that's how it is, she thinks.
Maybe it'll get better and worse in a dance that'll only stop when they're no longer here to agonize over it. Maybe this is what moving on from John B will always be like. It'll feel like they've made strides in the right direction, then something will come along to shatter it to sharp pieces that'll reopen their stitched up wounds. If that's the case, at least the four of them have each other to lean on when it gets worse again.
JJ sits with her and lets her crawl onto his lap, resting her head on his shoulder, until the sun sinks below the horizon.
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The gentle bobbing of the HMS Pogue at the surface of the water steadies her amidst her eddying thoughts. It keeps her present to the moment the way the ropes tying the boat to the dock keeps it from floating adrift into the marsh. It's a motion engrained in her from the start of her life until now from countless days spent on the water. Whether it be for fishing, swimming, or playing make believe with her boys all those years ago, it's as much a part of her as her personality or body itself.
JJ was right about one thing: being out on the water makes it easier to think.
He hasn't followed her out since she woke up before sunrise and snuck out of bed to come here. Despite her efforts not to wake him, he woke up when she disentangled her body from his, silently cursing the fact that they always cuddle so closely, and he tried to pull her back to him with a whine of displeasure in his groggy, half-asleep state. Sleep finally found them after hours of staying up together to talk about what Kacey did, unable to relax from the chaos of yesterday, so he wasn't prepared to wake up that soon.
"Go back to sleep, angel," she whispered as she hovered over him, brushing a chaste kiss to his lips that he was too tired to return.
That was the last time she saw him since this morning, and now that the sun has risen to its peak in the sky without her moving an inch from her perch atop the bow of the boat, she's begun to wonder if he's awake yet. It isn't uncommon for them to sleep in for half of the day when there isn't school or work, so it isn't surprising to her that he's just now waking up when she hears the back door to the Chateau opening and closing.
Unbeknownst to her, JJ has been awake the entire morning since she left bed.
They were so attached to each other yesterday night, he didn't have the time to put it together without her seeing and ruining the surprise, but once he heard the door to the porch close to signify her leaving, he kicked the blankets off of himself and got to work. He wasn't originally planning on starting so early, since they stayed up late into the night together, but once he woke up to the feeling of her sneaking out of his arms, he was too awake to fall back asleep.
The sound of his footsteps on the dock warns her of his approach, but she doesn't raise her head from where she rests it in her palms to stare out at the water.
"I was wondering when you'd finally wake up," she says.
There's another few steps, then the boat jostles with his weight stepping onto it.
He doesn't say anything to her in response. The only clue she gets as to what he's doing are the footsteps on the deck that lead closer to her until she feels him sitting down on the bow next to where she is. And she's about to open her mouth to ask if he's okay when he sets something down in front of her.
It's a shoe box.
Y/N turns to see him, eyes flickering over his tired face, and looks back at the box with furrowed brows.
"What is this?"
His hair is messy, exactly how it was when she left him in bed this morning, and if she weren't more focused on the mysterious box he plopped down in front of her, she'd be combing through it with her fingers. He's gotten used to those casual displays of affection from her; how she runs her hands through his hair on mornings before school when he forgets to brush it, or when she fixes a button on his flannel that he missed.
JJ's lips are tipped in a smile, and she can't help but blush with how he looks at her. She never used to see it, but he has always looked at her like this. Like he's hopelessly, utterly in love with her. Even before they lost John B, back when he'd expend all of his romantic and sexual attention on girls he hardly knew, he still looked at her this way.
He gestures at it and says, "Open it."
The lid of the box is coated in a freshly dried layer of blue paint to match the shade of the sky overhead. She knows instantly that he must have dug through the arts and crafts box she specifically labeled with a warning for him and John B to stay out. It's painted with aimlessly sloppy brushstrokes and stickers placed at every corner of the cardboard box, all of which she recognizes from the stash she kept under her bed alongside the India ink he borrowed last Friday.
As she gives him a skeptical look and reaches to lift the lid off of the shoe box, she makes a mental note to rewrite the label on the arts and crafts box without the warning for him to keep out. Since John B isn't here to steal anything from it and JJ never follows that rule anyway, it's redundant at this point.
Any skepticism is washed away from her face as soon as she flips the lid open to reveal what's inside. It leaves her speechless as she looks down at it all.
"JJ..." she murmurs in awe.
Sitting at the bottom of it is a folded up t-shirt she saw JJ wear multiple times, but never again since John B died. He refused to glance at the shirt his best friend gave him the year before they never saw him again, let alone dig it out of the corner of her closet where he keeps his things...until now.
But that's a scratch on the surface of all of the things about his gift that stuns her to silence. The next thing to catch her immediate attention is a picture she hasn't seen in years.
It's one that Big John took of the three of them together right where she and JJ are sitting. She was much younger in it, flashing a toothy grin with her arms thrown over both boys' shoulders. To her left, John B was leaning his head on her shoulder. To her right, JJ was wearing an eyepatch they crafted out of an old black shirt he stole from his dad. It was cut with the kitchen scissors and tied around the back of his head in a knot.
She brushes her thumb over John B's face, then sets the crinkled photograph back down atop the folded shirt and moves her attention to the last surprise.
Letters.
Torn up pieces of paper painstakingly taped back together sit one on top of the other, some missing pieces here or there, and it makes her mouth part in shock. Her hands shuffle the letters apart to see each one and recognize the handwriting: Kie's bubbly, swirling letters, Pope's neat cursive, hers, and JJ's chicken scratch writing that she's able to decipher from years of proofreading his essays.
She pictures him at her desk all morning while she was sitting out here, ripping tape off of the roll and arranging the puzzle pieces of the ripped letters until he was sure he got it right. It made him want to rip the hair from his scalp, but he sat there and pushed through the frustration to make it as perfect as he could for her. The missing pieces were primarily from Kie's letter, which fluttered away on a balmy breeze when Kacey tore it up and threw it to the ground, but the one he wanted her to have the most wasn't missing more than a single piece.
Y/N looks up from the letters held like a precious treasure in her hands to see him watching her with that same classic JJ smile on his face, but he doesn't let her get a word in yet.
"Go on," he says, leaning closer to pull his letter to John B out and place it on top of the pile for her to read, "I want you to read it."
"You didn't let me read it when I asked before though, are you sure you—"
He interrupts her before she can worry herself over it, "Dude, just read it. I promise I'm fine with it. I want you to."
The letters crinkle under her touch as she looks back down and smooths them out on the deck enough to read through the clear tape. With one last confirming glance to him for permission, she takes a deep breath and reads the first line.
Dear John B,
You really know how to keep a guy on his toes, don't you? You really outdid yourself on this one. I was so sure we were gonna make it, but I guess you had to go all Romeo and Juliet on us, huh? As long as you and Sarah are happy macking on each other in heaven, it's okay.
In all seriousness, I fucking miss you, bro. I miss you more than I realized a person could miss another person. Whenever I need to talk to you again, I don't know what to do. I guess that's why it's good that Y/N made me write this.
Also, I'm really sorry for—
"What does it say there? There's a whole chunk missing," she murmurs.
He scoots close enough to her that she can feel his body warmth radiating onto her through the shoulder of his flannel. Sunlight reflects on the silver rings decorating his fingers as he holds one side of the paper to tilt it enough for him to squint at.
"Macking, I think. It's supposed to say "I'm sorry for macking on your sister."
—macking on your sister. You can totally kick my ass for it, but before you come back from the grave to murder me, let me defend myself, okay? She isn't just another girl for me, John B.
I think you knew it before I did.
Last summer, you asked me straight up if we were hooking up behind your back after I kissed her in front of you on the porch. I laughed in your face, but you were right.
You saw everything before me, man. You knew I loved her since we were kids and waited for us to come to you about it, so that's gotta mean something, right? I hope it means you wouldn't be mad at me for this.
I swear I won't fuck it up with her, but you already know that. That's why you asked me to take care of her,. I didn't know why at the time but I do now. I won't let you down.
I'm keeping my promise.
- JJ
P.S. Don't miss me too much. We'll be shotgunning beers together up there before you know it.
There are tears blooming in her eyes when she lifts her gaze from the tattered paper to look at him again, but they aren't sad. For once, the tears slipping down her cheeks are happy tears, not born from grief, sadness, and pain, but bittersweet happiness.
They're caught staring at each other for a second before he asks her shyly, "It isn't too sappy or anything, is it? 'Cause I thought it—"
"C'mere," is the only thing she can get out before she's tugging him forward by the front of his shirt to kiss him.
JJ stumbles a little with the unexpected force of her pulling him to her, but he takes it in stride. He steadies himself and lets his hands shoot out to grapple for purchase on her waist, keeping her pressed up against him tightly as he kisses her back.
And it doesn't get much better than this, does it? This is it for him. He meant what he wrote to John B, he won't fuck it up with her, especially not because of his trauma with his dad getting inside his head and sabotaging his relationship with her. This is what makes everything worth it.
It brings happy tears to his eyes too.
She can taste the salt of them where their lips meet in the middle. It makes her smile, wrapping her arms around his neck and clenching the letters he mended for her in her fist to keep them from blowing away in the wind, and they both start to laugh into each other's mouths at the poignant feeling they both share but can't quite place.
They pull away from each other to catch their breath after another moment of it, and she can't help but stare. How could she not when she feels like this? It’s less like he’s her boyfriend and more like a piece of her soul has attached itself to his with no hope of letting go in the near future.
"You're the best thing that ever happened to me," she whispers to him.
Plain and simple. No room for disagreement or a bashful rejection of the compliment. She's pulled back from him enough to hold his gaze and make sure he sees her seriousness, and there isn't anything he can do to refute her statement.
He brushes his nose against hers affectionately, dipping down to kiss her again, but when he leans back to see her face, he can't help himself.
"Ditto."
The rest of the day after their moment on the boat, locked away in their own little world where none of the monsters chasing them could sneak through and ruin it, melts away peacefully. After another half hour spent looking through the box together, of her thanking him over and over again, he hops off of the HMS Pogue onto the dock and extends his hand to her in the most gentlemanly manner possible.
His lips are curved into a smirk as he kneels down on one knee as though she's a revered royal and bows his head in subservience, "Princess Routledge."
Her hand fits in his warm, calloused palm as a perfect match, and she steps off of the boat onto the dock beside him with an expression to match his.
"Captain Maybank," she says in her most regal royalty voice.
Her stellar performance breaks into a laugh they share as he stands and throws his arm around over her shoulder to walk back to the yard. The cardboard box is tucked beneath one of her arms while the other slips around his side to hold him back, and her heart feels full with both the presence of JJ and John B alongside her.
They bury it together.
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Tag List: @gabiatthedisco, @fangirlvoice, @black-syren, @apparrio, @particularcth, @planetdemon, @idk-ijustworkhere, and @krisphann
Also, now that it’s over, let me know what your favorite part was in the comments or tags if you’d like to :) I’m curious.
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washymylifeaway · 3 years
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Haikyuu fanfic recs for ones I liked hehe
EDIT: I made a pt 2
Anyway, as the title suggests, I am recommending some fanfics for popular(ish) ships that I personally really enjoyed! I’m only doing one or two fics per ship (which in hindsight is KILLING me so I’m just putting the first fics I find and am like I really liked that one LOL) because I wanted to do a shorter fic rec list (tho watch this become super long LOL). I also may or may not be procrastinating finishing a couple other long posts, so there’s that hehe. For the (kinda but not really) public consensus for best fics per ship (by kudo count) check out some of my other posts. Also I’m putting some ships I don’t actually read much of (OOPS LOL) so if you think that there’s a fic that fits my type (if I even have a consistent type) better, pls tell me LOL. Otherwise, pls continue heh :)
As always, pls check WARNINGS, TAGS, and SUMMARIES for fics before reading to make sure you’re taking care of yourselves (since mental health is key!) and stay healthy!
IwaOI:
The Loyalty of a Traitor by DeathBelle (E) 76.9k // ok so does me liking this fic make me basic cause I feel basic LOL. I really love mafia fics, and the way the story line developed was SO good, like IN LOVE with this story. This is a fic where you should read WARNINGS, TAGS, and SUMMARY before diving in, but if the length scares you, don’t be. It’s so easy to fall in and get lost in the writing!
the courtship ritual of the hercules beetle by kittebasu (chanyeol) (T) 66.3k // again, basic? Probably LOL but it’s good so I have no shame ;) Again, pls don’t let the word count scare you (cause it scared me LOL), you get really into it after like 2 paragraphs, so just make sure you have enough time to finish hehe.
KuroKen:
Thicker Than Blood by kylar (M) 91.4k // are you surprised that there is another mafia one? You really shouldn’t be LOL. Anyway, I’ll just be here pushing my mafia fanfic agenda while you read this monster of a fic hehe :) Definitely read WARNINGS, TAGS, and SUMMARY because there is some very sensitive topics involved! I also adore the oibokuroo friendship headcannon, so more reasons to read, right?
Liked, Commented and Subscribed by Royal Society of Pandas (Abarcelos) (T) 45.7k // this fic is SO funny omg. I read it and I had to stop so many times just to laugh because I could not stop sometimes LOL. However, there IS angst towards the end, it gets resolved, but it’s still there... But honestly, it just adds such depth and flavor to the fic, so pls read it!
BokuAka:
bang! now we're even by Authoress (M) 11.9k // so I’ll be honest, I don’t read a lot of BokuAka (...oops?) and so I wouldn’t consider myself as the best person to be recommending fics for this ship (in general too LOL).... ANyway, I love myself some good spy AUs (was gonna put that IwaOi spy AU but the LIMIT), and Akaashi in a dress? Like the tags might state, what more do you need? The characters are done beautifully, and the story development is SO good, so I give you all my humble BokuAka rec.
Crisis Converted by valiantarmor (M) 60k // man do I really love fighting in my fics LOL. This was super good and the plot itself kept me really engaged (what a twist omg). It does talk a bit about mental health issues, but it’s done so well, and they really did this AU justice!
DaiSuga:
How to Manage by SuggestiveScribe (E) 39.3k // ok so yea yea we established, I’m basic, BUT can you blame me? This might’ve been one of the first DaiSuga’s I’ve read and I have no regrets. Literally, this fic series is one of my favorites, so OF COURSE I had to add it somewhere :D Honestly, I don’t even think you need to read the first one to understand what’s going on, but I would just cause it has some funny DaiSuga moments too ;) This is explicit for PWP, so proceed with caution~~
Add New Contact by booksong (G) 8.5k // this one! It’s so cute and poor Daichi LOL. He really out here doing the most,,, Anyway, we love tech Suga, and a nice dash of snarky tsukki (LOL is he salt, yes yes he is). It’s very fluff and pine, so if you want to read Daichi having gay panic like 24/7, go right ahead LOL. 
SakuAtsu:
Burden of Blame by DeathBelle (E) 91.2k // ummmm, haha what, another mafia AU? Me, predictable? Noooo, never..... Anyway, this one was so freakin’ good like, love it so much! It’s one of my favorite mafia AU fics, and I love the story line progression. Poor Atsumu being dragged into this mess, but it’s okay because THEY are IN LOVE. Honestly, this fic is Atsumu best boy like he is the best boy. BEST BOY.
Notte Stellata by awkwardedgeworth (T) 20.9k // I ignored all of the other fics I LOVE in this ship (like the pain I’m in rn), but I love this fic with my whole heart. Like I have reread this fic multiple multiple times because I love it so much (tho I might’ve skipped the angst a couple of times cause I didn’t want the pain okay?). I keep coming back, and the second fic in this series is SO funny and cute and I love it here. Please read it, it’s so FREAKING good, angst and ALL.
KyouHaba:
Team Mom by All_My_Characters_Are_Dead (T) 2.7k // so as I was going through this tag (because that’s what I do LOL), I remembered this fic and I love it. Like yes Yahaba is the fear factor and yes Kyoutani is the DAD. I really like the team dynamics in this one, and the first years make me laugh pls.
Camellias by kiyala (T) 1.9k // IK you’re all like, you’re missing such great fics, like no I’m not I just made myself hate myself by limiting fics to two per,,, I love this fic and when I starting looking for this ship, it was the first one I thought of hehe. I really love magic and their interactions are so cute and the PLANTS ARE DOING THE MOST. Pls read both in the series, cause domestic KyouHaba is best KyouHaba ngl LOL. I love the plants, and if you read the second one, someone tell the trees to stop bullying Yahaba.
MatsuHana:
This gets annoying fast, Makki by Ink_stained_quills (G) 2.3k // IM IN LOVE WITH THIS FIC PLS I COULD NOT STOP CRYING TEARS OF LAUGHTER. This AU needs more fics PLEASE. It was SO freakin’ funny and the other teams KILLED ME. Like how they all approached the problem differently and how some of them (KUROO) asked for help LOL. Please this is so freaking funny go read it.
boiled frogs by reginagalaxia (E) 91.5k // I told myself I was gonna put my most angsty fics on another post (which I will for my other favorite MatsuHana angst fic which I love), but this fic. Omg I saw it and I was like I have to. Literally I have to. I hate angst, but read it. It, the, plot, omg, I jjfnsfknalkjdnf ljksan. Like I’m not sure you understand. This fic. asjfjfsadnldjb. I never thought I could hate a character SO MUCH,,,, like SO MUCH. READ TAGS, WARNINGS, AND SUMMARIES because some serious stuff really goes down. Bless Iwa-chan.
SunaOsa:
Accidentally in Love by pancake_surprise (T) 19.6k // JOSE CUERVO strikes. I love this fic and all the chaos in it. The way they were supposed to be the responsible couple (of friends LOL),,, sike. This one is only a slight angst and it’s mostly love and fun :) Also technically this is no longer the first fic in the series, but I’m still putting this one cause the other one is SakuAtsu orientated hehe :)
Spring Secrets by DeathBelle (T) 3.8k // Seasons might be one of my favorite (as all things also seem to be) series of all times. I don’t like rerecommending fics I’ve already said to read, which is why I’m not yelling at you to go read a certain other fic (which is my life and blood). Anyway, this fic series is all fluff barely angst (maybe that’s why I like it) but it’s so freakin good pls read it all ahhhhhh.
Komori/Suna (what is their ship name):
I wish to live in a world by hatsuna (T) 24.8k // ok ngl this fic was so sad and relatable? Like I was like wtf why are you making me cry rn even though like I shouldn’t be? My heart? Pain. (Hotel? Trivago.) Technically, this is END GAME but the main pairing is kinda SakuAtsu???? Something of the sort, but also their relationship (Komori and Sakusa) is written so well and idk guys I think you need to read this fic rn.
Ah the two fic limit hurt me, but fear not I am making ship specific rec posts (LOL I’m so dramatic), so if you wanted more of a ship,,,, its a coming hehe. And yes I did say I’m making an angsty fic rec post, but we’ll see if it gets finished before I side-track with posts like these LOL.
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nbrook29 · 3 years
Text
💞 my sobbe fic recs part 2 💞
I did the first part in October but since then we have been blessed with so many good fics that I needed to do another one! We are currently experiencing a sobbe drought so these fics are helping us to get through it basically ✌🏻
Part One
✔ if there’s a fic on this list that you decided to give a shot and loved it, please remember about leaving a comment under it to let the author know that
Let’s go!
1k - 5k
let me be your man (let me hold your hand) by thekardemomme (@wlwharrys) | T
Summary: “what if i hold your hands?” robbe asks, voice gentle and soft, all teasing completely gone. sander turns to look at him, and robbe just gives him an encouraging smile. “will that make you feel more comfortable?”at first, sander wants to say no. he’s an adult, he should totally be able to drop in without needing to hold his boyfriend’s hands. but then he looks down the length of the ramp again, and he ends up nodding.
Sander learning how to skateboard. Basically, A FIC WE ALL NEEDED and this writer provided amazingly.
you just own it by noobishere | G
Summary: He bites his lip as he unhooks the jacket, feeling like he's five years old again, snooping around his mother's closet and trying on her heels.(a.k.a the one where robbe wears sander's clothes)
You know, with this writer it’s like, you see who wrote it and you just know it’s gonna be good. And it may be the most trivial idea but they always turn it into something fun. Oh and the pencil line is living in my mind rent free 🤣
paper rings by thekardemomme (@wlwharrys) | T
Summary: When Sander’s nose twitches, causing him to make this soft little whimpering sound, Robbe can’t help himself. He leans forward enough to kiss Sander’s forehead again, and then he dots one on each cheek, and then finally on his nose.“I can’t wait to marry you,” he whispers.
Angsty flugg with such a cute ending, where are my tissues at 🥺🤧
It’s My Turn by isaksliveterna (@to-enter-polaris) | T
Summary: Just little Sander moments through Robbe's eyes as he makes the anniversary video.
Remember Even’s video to Isak? This is sobbe’s version and it’s oh so cute 🥰
5k - 10k
All You’ve Got to Do Is Win by berrevy | T
Summary: “Careful, now.”“Or what?” Robbe walks off, over to his side of the net, voice raising as he goes. “You may as well just draw a picture of you winning cos that’s the only way it’s gonna happen.”It's Sander's turn to splutter. "Jesus...who are you and what have you done with Robbe? Where did this little savage come from?"(or, how that tennis match might've played out)
Oh my god, for me this is perfection ❤ This author can truly capture the real essence of sobbe. And to think I completely missed that fic the last time!
dreaming of you by ivy_seas | E
Summary: Snow, gift giving, wrapping presents, watching movies in bed (+ other activities in bed), celebrating Christmas together.
Sobbe preparing for Christmas together, just the perfect amount of fluff I needed 🤗
you’re my stars... and everything in between by aurorawinds (@robbesdriesen) | M
Summary: A Star-Crossed Lovers, Romeo & Juliet inspired, AU where Robbe and Sander are the sons of Antwerp’s two most rivaling families of tech companies, head over heels in love with one another as they find it more and more difficult each day to hide their relationship from their families. To hide their love.
Are you kidding me. Romeo and Juliet sobbe AU?! I was so into it from the very beginning, THEY ARE SO CUTE OH MY GOD and the angst oh yes
Taking pictures of you as the light came through by allforyoumylove | M
Summary: Robbe photographs Sander in bed. Things take a steamy turn.
It’s not easy to write the perfect amount of fluff as I tend to not like the overly fluffy stories. Somehow this writer always hits the mark and delivers just what I love.
You say you want your freedom by ayellowcurtain (@ayellowcurtain) | G
Summary: Sander is going away for two weeks to do some college stuff with his teacher. He doesn't tell Robbe right away, but he needs time.
This was really interesting and quite different from the usual approach I would say. I think there are very few fics with sobbe “fighting” and I love me a little angst sometimes so this was just *chef’s kiss* 😍 Also, I liked how *spoiler* the ending isn’t just Sander’s bff suddenly liking Robbe but that they rather work around it.
time may change me but I can’t trace time by abittersweetsong (@honeyandsinn) | T
Summary: “You’re my best friend and I love you.”It’s a simple admission and it settles gently in Robbe’s soul Or Robbe and Sander find each other in every universe, but in this one they're best friends first
This is WIP and as a rule I don’t include WIPs in those recs but I’m gonna make an exception because I absolutely loved it and I need this writer to come back and post more 🥺 I’m in love with their writing style and how they make me care about these characters so much ❤
10k - 20k
sander driesen versus mistletoe by dottori | T
Summary: it’s not a fair match. (or, sobbe go on a christmas date, and sander really wants a kiss under the mistletoe.)
This is a very fluffy fluff so proceed with caution 😂 I liked the Christmas vibe here a lot.
hop in the corolla by noobishere | E
Summary: “Oh dear,” Robbe’s mother cuts in. “You haven’t even started your trip and you’re already at each other’s throats.”Sander takes immense pleasure in the way Robbe’s eyes widen in panic, and before Robbe can even warn him with his glares, Sander is already saying, all too gleefully.“We’re always at each other’s throats.”(a.k.a sobbe's summer road trip)
“I found it. It's official. I found the best sobbe fic.” This is the comment I left and I’m still standing by it. It has so many small gems, it’s just UGH. So goooooood 🤩🤩🤩
my hand around the base of you holy neck by allforyoumylove | E
Summary: “All Robbe knew was that Sander was rubbing his hand up and down his back, nails scraping his skin gently, that he smelled like safety, sweet and warm, and that there was nowhere he would rather be than in his arms.”(aka the one where Robbe and Sander are “just” friends with benefits, but the amount of times they call each other ‘baby’ and the way they can’t fucking stop kissing begs to differ.)
Friends to lovers AU. One of my favorite tropes. It’s smutty and fluffy at the same time which, you know, perfection.
Scary Monsters (and Super Creeps) by berrevy | M
Summary: Robbe bites down on his lip, shaking his head. “You make a habit of luring boys into your lair?”“Only the pretty ones. Don’t worry, schatje, there’s nothing to be afraid of. And if there is,” Sander shrugs, taking a few more steps backwards, “I’ll protect you.”(aka the boys go on their own private Halloween adventure)
So basically, it was Halloween and wtFOCK so DID NOT deliver and we were all pissed off but then this writer came in and gave us what we deserved. Thanks to this fic I discovered this writer’s other story that is one of my sobbe favorites. Oh the symbolism in this fic. I’m just a big fan of this writer’s style in general 🥰
20k+
this rough magic by aholynight (@aholynight) | M
Summary: Though he’s a sixth-prefect and the newest member of the Hufflepuff Quidditch team, Muggleborn Robbe can still hardly believe that he’s made of magic. Sander is the seventh-year Gryffindor beater whose wild behavior and delinquent reputation precedes him. Though Robbe desperately wants to believe in the angel-faced boy he sees in front of him—and ignore the rumors of Sander’s devilish behavior—he’s not sure his heart can afford the risk. But when Sander and Robbe are left in a nearly-empty Hogwarts over the Christmas holiday, avoiding Sander might no longer be an option.
I don’t know how I could have missed this one in my last fic rec. Sobbe in Hogwarts. During Christmas. I mean, I’m sold from the start but on top of that this also has a captivating story and made me go 🥺
57 notes · View notes
suggiebabe · 4 years
Text
Some MHA Boys AND Girls Getting Jealous
A/N: Oh hey there ;)))))) POSTING 2 DAYS IN A ROW??? WHO AM I LOL!!! I’m not sure if I’d post tomorrow though cause I have some lessons to take care of!! But enjoy these headcanons (that’s literally all I do, I am so sorry LMAO)!!!! I’m doing boys AND girls, so lets get it! Its my first time writing for the girlies!!!!
Pairings: Kaminari, Uraraka, Tsu, Kirishima, Momo x Reader
Warnings: Slight Angst but with a happy ending
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The two of you decided to go to the beach for the weekend because why not! You had some alone time together, and this was the perfect way to spend it
On the train ride there, it was going perfectly, no one you two knew was coming, so it was guaranteed that there would be no distractions
Or so you thought..
As soon as you got to the beach, you went to change into your bathing suit, and he went to go change into his 
When you came out, he wasn’t ready yet, so you decided to sit on the bench outside of the restrooms
That’s when the familiar sight of green hair appeared in front of you
“Hey Y/N! Came out to enjoy the beach? Who are you here with?” he asked sitting down next to you
“Oh hey Deku! I’m here with Denki, we just thought it be fun to have a beach date!” you said, smiling at him, “who are you here with?”
“I came with Iida, the two of us were gonna get some training done out here. So wheres Kaminari? he asked looking around for the blond 
“He’s still changing, he should be out in a little. Oh look! There he is!” You stood up and waved him down, as soon as he saw the two of you, he frowned
“Whoa whats up with that face?”  Deku asked mildly confused as to why Kaminari wasn’t happy to see him
As he was walking towards you two, Iida also emerged from the bathrooms and called Deku over.
“Come on Deku! We don’t have time to waste! Lets proceed with out schedule!” Iida shouted
Deku said bye to you and Kaminari, and went on his way with Iida, and as soon as they left, Kaminari pulled you into a hug
“I can’t believe Deku saw you in a bathing suit before me... thats so unfair!” 
You smiled at him and patted his head, “he may have seen me, but he doesn’t get to spend the day with me! Now c’mon jealous boy, lets go have some fun!” you said, pulling him towards the water
“I’m not jealous!” he said under his breath
“Yeah, sure, whatever you say, now lets build the biggest sand castle ever!” 
He laughed, and got to building
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It was your 7 month anniversary, and the two of you had decided to have a movie night in Ochacos dorm since you couldn’t leave the campus
The idea made you two extremely excited since you haven’t been able to have quality time together in a while due to hero work
The school day was rather normal, except Ochaco noticed that during lunch, Shouto seemed to have a lot of your attention. 
She would wrap her arm around yours, and you would pay little attention to it,continuing to talk with Shouto. The two of you extremely invested in the conversation you were having, so invested to the point where you didn’t even notice Ochacos glare towards Shouto
He got the hint, and slowly ended the conversation so there wouldn’t be any trouble, especially on your anniversary
After lunch, the two of you could hardly hold in your excitement for the rest of your classes.
After school, you both agreed to meet at her room at 7 pm to watch the movies you had picked out. You were in charge of the movies, while she was in charge of snacks
When you arrived, she welcomed you with a kiss, and the two of you got settled on her bed
“So what’d you pick out for us Y/N?” she asked, holding your hand in hers
“Well, I have a couple, but I wanted to watch this one first! Shouto recommended it to me, and it sounds really good!” you said squeezing her hands
Her smile turned into a frown, “So Shoutos your number 1 best friend now or what? You’ve been hanging out with his so much lately!” she said while pouting
You giggled at her cute expression, “Bun, are you jealous? Well fear not, because the reason I have been talking to Shouto a lot is because I know his taste in movies is so great! I wanted this night to be perfect for us!” 
‘Oh.. really?” she said, her pout turning into a smile
“Yes really, now lets watch this movie, he said it’d have you on the edge of your seat the whole time!” 
She blushed and then pressed play “I may have been a little jealous...” she said quietly
“I know” you said kissing her cheek
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You and Tsu had always sat together for lunch, so when you approached her to tell her you had to go to the library with Ojiro to study for a quiz, she was a bit bothered, but she didn’t let it show
You promised her that you would walk with her to class when lunch was over, so that was a trade she was willing to make
Lunch without you was boring, but she was looking forward to the period ending so she can walk with you
When the bell rang, she waited for you, but you never came. After waiting a while she walked to class, she didn’t want to be tardy
1 minute before the bell you and Ojiro came running into the room, with your stuff in your hands, you two laughed as you went to sit at your desks
To say Tsu was bothered would be an understatement. Did you really forget to meet with her? Did she really not cross your mind?
Your mind was so occupied with the quiz, that you had completely forgotten about walking with Tsu. You looked at her, and made eye contact, but she quickly broke it, looking down at her desk. Your heart ached
After class you approached her and began profusely apologizing 
“Tsu! I’m so sorry! I completely forgot about our agreement!” you said pulling at her hand
She looked at you with a frustrated look in her eyes, “was Ojiro really that much more entertaining? How could you forget about your GIRLFRIEND?” she said frowning, but she didn’t pull away
You squeezed her hand, “Tsu, Ojiro wasn’t on my mind at all! It was this stupid quiz we had to take... I completely forgot about anything else.. I would never think about anyone more than I think about you, silly!” 
She smiled a bit, “Okay, well then prove it. After school, my dorm, movies and cuddles!” 
You smiled at her cuteness, “alright alright alright, if that’s what it takes for you to forgive me, then I’ll give it to you”
She kissed you on the cheek and you both walked to hero training, tonight was going to be fun
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Of course you two are workout buddies, that’s how your relationship started in the first place!
The two of you agreed to workout after school in the dorm gyms to distract yourselves from the upcoming finals exams
After school, the two of you came up with a schedule to meet up an hour after school ended to walk to the gym, and get some work done
Everything went according to plan, and the two of you were able to get to the gym before anyone else
You and Kirishima don’t really workout together, but you workout in the same room, so it kind of made sense
You two started your own workout routines, and it kept you both pretty busy.
His routine differed on certain days, and today's workout seemed to take a bit longer than it usually did, so you decided to do another one of your workouts, a new one
This routine had some things you hadn’t done before, so you had trouble with a few of the steps, but got the hang of it for the most part
Except for 1. Pike push ups. 
You had tried to get Kirishimas attention, but he was so immersed in his own routine, he failed to hear you calling for his help
Lucky for you, Bakugou had just entered the gym, so you decided to ask him for help
After some argument, he finally agreed to teach you how to do it
“It’s just a push up, except you have your ass in the air, stupid” he said showing you his form
While the two of you were interacting, Kirishima looked in the mirror and saw you with your butt in the air next to Bakugou and immediately went to see what was up
By the time Kirishima was walking towards you guys, Bakugou left, and you were able to focus on yourself. 
As you were in position, you looked up to find your frowning boyfriend looking down at you
“What was that?” he asked crossing his arms
“Kiri, Bakugou was just showing me how to do some pike push ups, nothing weird” you said crossing your arms “I tried to get you to help me, but you were too busy..” you said pouting
“Awh babe, I’m never too busy for you, just come tap on me next time, and I’ll help you for sure!” he said giving you two thumbs up
You smiled at him, and nodded “alright, but you better always be prepared!” 
“I will, I will...” he said sitting down next to you, “So these pike push ups..”
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It was midterms time again, and you had asked Momo for some help sine your English grade was SUFFERING!
Her being the lovely girlfriend she is, accepted your proposal happily since it was also just an excuse for the two of you to have some time together
Too bad for the both of you though, because other people in class heard, and immediately started asking for Momos tutoring as well
She couldn’t refuse, because she wants the best for everyone, and you were fine with that!
Time skip to after school when you were all walking to her dorm together
Mina was holding your arm and the two of you were talking about a new anime that had just come out
When Momo saw the two of you practically glued together and laughing with each other, she felt a jab in her heart, but she decided to ignore it
During the study session, you and Mina kept talking about the anime, and Momo was getting kind of fed up with the lack of attention you were giving her
“Excuse me, (Y/N) and Mina, could you two please pay attention? This chapter is important..” she said sternly, with made you both shut up right away
After the study session, you approached Momo after everyone had left
“Hey, are you ok? You sounded a little mad back there...” you said while playing with your thumbs on her bed
She sat next to you and grabbed one of your hands to hold, ”I apologize for my actions, but I guess i just got a little jealous over how close you and Mina were..” 
You looked up at her surprised, “Oh my goodness! Momo I’m sorry! I didnt realize!” you said while going to hug her
She hugged you back and the two of you fell back onto her bed
“Cuddles?” you asked in hopes to make it up to her
“Cuddles.” she said squeezing you tighter
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Another A/N: Hey guys! Sorry some might be a little longer than others, I just had more ideas for that character! Today I discovered that my computer is a little waterproof after spilling a whole cup of water over it! Thank u computer gods for letting me write this post!
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mintseesaw · 4 years
Text
huling sandali 
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translation. last moment ⇀ an entry for paraluman playlist
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pairing: namjoon x reader genre: angst, est. relationship au word count: 2.2k warnings: themes of insecurities being triggered, emotional struggles, a break-up drabble a.k.a not a happy ending // pg-13
drabble request by @jim-parkin​​ with “pighati + namjoon” hi hjdgdhsgsg im sorry it took me 3254 years to write this :((( i hope you like it. Also, happy belated birthday, alyssa!!! huh i just found out like 10 hrs ago prior to posting this on my first attempt hfdkdjdh im a horrible friend but ily ;-( *unedited
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Namjoon arrived home by the time you started packing your stuff. He found you sitting on the living room floor, casually sorting things and putting them in labeled boxes laid in front of you.
You were supposed to ignore him, just like what he’s been doing in the past week. You realized, days of argument after argument before seems better than a whole week of silence in the apartment. The loneliness becomes greater, the glassy tension— unbearable, and his passive treatment more than anything else, hurts you the most.
You couldn’t look at him, having no will to possibly see the indifference on his face while he watches you gradually removing your traces in his place.
As seconds turn minutes since the distinct click of the door closing snaps shut, you took notice of the prolonged silence without the tap of the heels of his black shoes on the granite floor resonating through the living room. With your curiosity suddenly distracting you out of your focus, your head tilted on your side to peek behind you.
There he was, standing so tall and so formal with a frown on his face. His eyes shone not because of the lenses of his glasses but from the unshed tears on his eyes. When your gazes met, he was quick to crane his neck to the opposite side.
You open your mouth to call him to gather his attention. But he was already walking away out of the living room.
It’s been a whole week since you told him you’ll move out. He perfectly understood the implication of it. He objected, tried to convince you not to leave. When his attempts went futile, he did stop trying. Then fostered the silence between the two of you.
He avoided you while you try to make things right by keeping the break up somewhat acceptable on both terms. His refusal to speak with you seemed to convince you that, somehow, he had given up, silently giving you the signal to proceed on your plans.
Half an hour later, you began emptying half of the wardrobe in the walk-in closet. Coincidentally, he was in the shower at the time. After work, he’d routinely clean himself up before he rests or eats dinner with you. However, he stopped taking meals with you nor stayed in the bedroom to read the day you broke the word to him. With his persistence to avoid your presence, you’re almost sure he would let you be in peace while you packed the last bit of your clothes from the closet.
You’re supposed to leave days ago. The tenant of the apartment complex you found weeks prior has been non stop bugging you to move in.
However, you cannot just leave without a proper goodbye to him. In fact, he should be the one leaving you, not the other way around. But he couldn’t do that. Because he owns this place just as much as he owns nearly everything here including your heart.
Namjoon would never ask you to leave, even if he wants you to. That’s how much goodness there is in him. You just happened to take advantage of it and live comfortably by his side.
With your emotions at bay, a silent tear spid down your cheeks, leaving a dot of patch on the fabric of your folded clothes as you fill up your luggage on the bed.
Mere seconds later just as you hear the bathroom door opening, you feel the familiar, strong arms snaked over your waist from behind making you still instantaneously on the spot.
“Namjoon—“
“Don’t… don’t leave.” He says to you for the first time in a week.
His wet hair quickly drenches the spot on your shoulder where he laid his forehead.
Squeezing his hand pressed on your stomach, you smile weakly without facing him. “We talked about this.”
You felt his forehead grazing your shoulder blade as he shakes his head, “I don’t agree with this.”
“We both need this. We need to give each other time to breathe.” You murmur under your breath, nearly admitting the real reason behind your decision. That you knew. You knew he was suffering, and he was trying not to show it to you.
“I don’t need it if you’re not with me.” Namjoon says back, the grip of his arms around tightening.
Sighing, “You’re smarter than me, Joon. You know it’s been tough for the both of us. You’ve been so patient with me and I know you’re getting tired.”
“We can s-still make this work. Fighting is normal. Arguments allow us to speak of our minds. We learn but we move on from it because we love each other.”
“We tried, Joon. So many times. So many times that there’s nothing left of me but doubts and insecurities.”
Namjoon plants a subtle kiss on the side of your head. You remained pliant to his embrace, almost not wanting for him to let you go. For him to insist his place in your life despite your determination to fulfill what you need to do.
“I can wait until you’re ready to love yourself, again.” He attempts once more. He’s always honest with his thoughts so you know he’s sincere when he speaks his heart out.
“That’s not how it works.”
“Then tell me what I should do, please don’t give up just yet.”
His words are like a twisting fire of a knife in your chest, slithering your heart apart and burning the shreds into ashes. The room suddenly feels suffocating and stiff.
Disentangling his arms around your waist, you turn to finally face him. If you’re not only so emotionally invested with the confrontation, you could have stared at him and let your eyes admire every detail on his face until he shies away from your peer that cheeks bloom with crimson tint. Just like the old times.
But your chances have run out, moments have fleeted, your time with him is almost over. Your palms harshly wiping wet traces on your cheeks, refusing to cry in front of him. With a tilt of your chin up, he struck you with his sorrowful, pleading eyes.
“Do you really want someone like me? Someone who depends on you— financially, physically, emotionally? You meet a lot of successful women and I fear that I’m not gonna be enough for you. Joon, I’ll always worry and pick up fights with you.”
Tears brimmed on his eyes, shaking his head to stress his disagreement. “You are more than enough for me. I didn’t love you because of what you have. I fell in love with you because of what’s in here,” he points at your chest.
“Why, it’s you who has a pure soul. You have everything a man could have asked for. Any woman would fall at your feet to earn your attention,” your voice deteriorating as your head falling in morose, suddenly losing the ability to hold his stare with the facade of a strength you’re putting up. “You know, I’m so lucky to have you. I’ve always told you that. But now, things changed. You’re suffering because of me. It’s how I realized I have to let you go because I want you to be happy, again.”
He gathers your face with his palms, forcing you to look at him. “No, no, no. That’s not true. You make me happy.. Please, stop this, you’re everything to me…”
His warm breaths fanning your skin with his heavy, calculated breathing.
“It’s me,” you pause, “You’ve taught me how to love but I chose the wrong way, I loved you too much than what I’m capable of giving. Now I’m lost and I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
He inches his face closer until his nose is touching your cheek. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, “I didn’t mean to change you. I thought I was doing the right thing for you. I want you to dream, I want to see you soar high with your chosen profession. Please, baby don’t leave me. We could fix this.”
No, he was getting the wrong impressions. You didn’t regret going back to college when he pleaded you to. You didn’t regret setting aside your passion for art to continue the education you once took up before you left ran away from home. None of the ugly thoughts poisoning your mind were his doing. It was you and your insecurities.
“It’s not your fault. You saved me, remember? I met you at the time I was drowning in grief. Then I started dreaming. And the day you confessed your feelings to me, you made my dream come true. That was more than enough for me, Joon. Every inch of you became my happiness and it pains me to see I’m the one making you suffer.”
“Listen to me, _____. You make me happy. There’s no perfect relationship. But you’re perfect to me. You’ve always kept me grounded, made me think of my future, made me thrive for our future. No woman has had me at my worst, they only want the good things in life. You’ve been through tough times. But the kindness in your heart remains immeasurable, do you hear me? You deserve everything I have offered and so much more, baby.”
His thumbs patiently brushing the tears away.
“I can’t keep dragging you with my downfall.”
“I don’t want us fighting but sometimes, it gets out of hand. I stay at an arm’s length but it doesn’t mean I want you gone. Because at the end of the day, I’d want to go home to you even when we’re not okay.”
Your eyes fluttered close, not bearing to see the tears free-flowing on his cheeks. Namjoon rarely cries in front of you. Even before when you were purposely trying to aim his heart with your sharp words, nothing could seem to break him down. It’s always you who’s end up losing. Crying.
Silence filled the air for a moment until you heard him shifted. Then you felt a pressure on the side of your thighs and when you caught up what he did, your knees almost gave out.
“Namjoon— w-what are you doing? Stand up!”
His fingers dug deep on the skin of your thighs, head hung long, “Don't leave,” he begs.
“No, stand up!” You sob in disbelief. He couldn’t do this when you should be the one begging for forgiveness for failing him.
Hurriedly, you shuffled on your knees, fisting his shirt as you sobbed on his chest.
His arms gave you warmth as they enveloped over your back. As the room starts to drown with your muffled cries, he cups your face and in a matter of second, Namjoon’s lips are on yours, swallowing your sobs and murmuring sweet I love you’s while keeping your connected lips with his.
Seconds turned into minutes and minutes turned into hours, your insides are a mess, dreading for the end of this moment. With his concern to your plan, he refuses to loosen his hold on you. Even when you urged him to lie down on the bed with you, he didn’t move not until you tugged his body down beside you.
The rhythmic brushes of your fingers on his hair have calmed him down but with his arm secured over your back. It was only when he finally fell asleep when the grip of his arm loosens.
It’s been hours. You haven’t gotten a wink of sleep, and the sun will soon rise in a matter of an hour or two.
It doesn’t resolve the issue. It won’t because you know the next day, things will be the same. Same insecurities will eat you up alive until you burst your anger at him. And then the fight starts, arguments will inevitably tear you two apart. It’s an unending cycle of toxicity that not even yourself can control. Not until you allow yourself to heal.
Until then, you deem yourself unworthy of his love.
You need to leave before he wakes up. You know, it wouldn’t take long before you regret your decision.
“Meeting you was the best thing that happened in my life. I’m sorry for failing you, for failing myself. I hope,” you choke as a lump forms in your throat, “... you’ll be proud of me when I get better even when you have found someone else.” You ended your parting words with your lips pressing gently on the back of his hand.
Your shoulders slightly shake, your hands tremble as sobs threaten to break from your throat.
Your thumb carefully caresses his knuckles, watching him sleep so peacefully with your blurry vision. Suddenly, you couldn’t find the strength in you to pull yourself up.
“Why is it so hard to leave?” You whisper, looking at his sleeping figure.
He is your strength. Your happiness. The owner of your heart. Your dream come true. Someday, you’ll return and take your heart back from him. But for now, you’ll have to start living without it.
With one last look, you stood up with all your might and let the tears fall mercilessly as you fought back the urge to run back to him.
~~~
That moment still remains vivid in your mind, as fresh as the wound in your heart a year later. If you could only turn back the time, you wish he was awake to stop you from leaving. Now, all you could do is watch him from afar at his favorite coffee shop with someone else. The same one he used to take you at. He looks genuinely happy. At least, the break up did him good.
Every time you stood up from your seat to leave, you keep reminding yourself it’s the last time you’ll hope for your paths to cross. Somehow when the pain gets too much to bear, you always find yourself coming back here. Hoping. For another chance. You have the answer to that now. Someone else has already taken your place in his heart.
Inside the coffee shop, the girl sitting across him huffs while watching you walk away out of the establishment. She shifts her gaze to the man in front of her whose attention has speechlessly zeroed in on your figure through the glass walls.
“When will you actually start talking to the girl? You’ve been dragging me here for over a month now. My time is precious, Kim. It’s so obvious you’re smitten for her!” She glares.
Namjoon didn’t answer, only because he doesn’t know how. How do I win her back?
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mintseesaw © 2020
112 notes · View notes
shandycandy278 · 4 years
Text
Two Characters I’m Writing: *LGBTQ+ together romantically*
Me: Aww~!
Me: ...
Me: Wait you weren’t supposed to do that this time, I need you to be platonic-
———
Me: *sees Ship* AWWWW AREN’T YOU THE CUTEST THING?!
Me: *sees another Ship* OMYGOSH YOU’RE SO ADORABLE-
Me: *finds Poly of all of them* yES!
———
Me: Okay, time to start writing fluff about everyone’s favorite cinnamon roll!
Me: *writes stuff down and then begins to edit*
Me: ...
Cinnamon Roll Character: ...
Me: I’m sorry, I swear I didn’t mean to write angst about you this is literally the last thing I wanted to do.
Me: But you know what this is actually good so we’re gonna keep it. Torture the Cinnamon Roll instead of giving them the love and protection they need. It’s not like I wanted to give you a good life or anything. T^T
———
Me: Okay, now you’re gonna read this and recognize it as the foreshadowing it is-
Character: lol I don’t wanna do that.
Me: What?
Character: Yeah, I actually just wanna stay an oblivious chaotic idiot. I’m gonna completely ignore it.
Me: *INTERNAL SCREAMING*
———
Me: Finally! I’m going to write it! I’m going to write a story about healing and proving yourself to be better than your inner demons and that no matter what, you’ll be loved by someone-
Me, 30 seconds later: Finally! I’m going to write it! I’m going to write a story about this character becoming part of a found family-
Me, 15 seconds later: Finally! I’m going to write it! I’m going to write a story about how cute they-
Me, 10 seconds later: Finally! I’m going to do it! I’m going to write a story-
My inner critic: You just started four seperate WIPs.
Me: Uhhh yeah?
Inner Critic: At once.
Me: Yes?
Inner Critic: Did we take our Meds today?
Me: ...
Me: ...
Me: ... uhh...
Inner Critic: Dang it, not again! We’re never gonna get anything done now!
Me: ...
Me: ...
Me: Finally! I’m going to do it! I’m-
———
Me: *writing/editing*
Me: Wait... did I seriously just write this the way I wanted it to be written? No Characters hijacking my plot? So random ships? No going off course? No surprises?
Me: *rereads*
Me: *cries* I did~!
———
Me: *stuggling to cooperate with my ADHD brain because there is no quiet place to go to*
Person: *sends comment of support and love*
Me: *dies and simultaneously gets motivation for everything*
———
Me: *rocking back and forth for stimulation while reading my work aloud to myself for second/third editing*
Mom: What are you doing?
Me: Editing.
Mom: No, with your body.
Me: Rocking?
Mom: Why?
Me: Because?? I need to???
Mom: *shrugs and walks away*
Me: *struggles for a good ten minutes trying to figure out what I did that was odd*
———
Me, at 2AM on Christmas Morning: Hey, I wonder if other people relate to this.
Me: *proceeds to write down everything and post it*
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chyrstis · 5 years
Note
F: Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it., K: What’s the angstiest idea you’ve ever come up with?, M: Got any premises on the back burner that you’d care to share?, N: Is there a fic you wish someone else would write (or finish) for you?, S: Any fandom tropes you can’t resist?, V: If you could write the sequel (or prequel) to any fic out there not written by yourself, which would you choose?, Y: A character you want to protect
F: Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.
I can’t pick just one favorite, but while going through But I ain’t finished, I’m devoted, I did find an exchange between Troy and V that I loved from this chapter (and I’m having a day dedicated to those two, I feel):
“Do you know how hard you make my job sometimes?”
She opened her mouth then shut it fast when he glared at her. Rhetorical question. Of course.
“I don’t know if I even want to touch on any of that shit, especially with how it’s continuing to develop on all sides. There’s blind, there’s stupid, but maybe I’m giving myself too much credit for trying not to be either when four groups of people keep on trying to rip this place apart. Am I?”
V looked away.
“And what are you trying to do? Take it back? That still your plan? Even if the whole place goes up in fucking smoke?”
“I’m not the only one-”
“Wake the fuck up, V. You’re not, but I need someone to think about the consequences.” He sounded so worn in that instant that she had to turn, and he didn’t avoid her eyes. “Even for a minute.”
“You want me? Need me?” He didn’t say yes or no, but he didn’t need to. “Not sure we see the same person when I look in the mirror, Chief.”
Up close like this disappointment was hard to ignore as well. “Get them up.”
This one I love, because trying to pin down the massive shift in the relationship between the boss and Troy was a challenge enough, but FUZZ is an activity that I know Troy would have an opinion on, and really wanted to dig into that. Also, Troy is tired. He is so damn tired, and feeling the pull between what he wants to do, and what he feels he should do with every minute he hears and/or sees her or the Saints, and this struggle continues throughout the entire game and series, if we’re being honest.
And also, just this part in general:
Standing next to their car was Troy, and he appeared nothing short of furious. Arms crossed, posture tense, and partially in uniform, he must’ve been on his way home when he took a detour.
Lucky her. Or maybe she would be lucky if she was able to stop coughing her lungs out. V pointed towards Ken, who’d gone pale, then shook her head hard. That didn’t help any when Troy walked right on over.
“Don’t. You,” he pointed right at the cameraman, “get out of here.”
Ken shook off the nervousness and plastered on a smile. “What’s the harm, Chief Bradshaw? Just going around and cleaning up the streets! I know you and our producers didn’t have the best talk, but-”
“You know how much those cameras run, pal? Want to guess how much I give a fuck?”
This just amuses me greatly, because Troy really doesn’t. Not even a little.
K: What’s the angstiest idea you’ve ever come up with?
Well, dang. Angst is usually something I don’t heavily dive into, but I think one of the prime candidates had to be the V/Troy fic I did around Valentine’s Day why would you do that, I still ask myself where they’ve broken up during the gap between SR3 and 4, Troy’s started reluctantly dating someone else, and they end up meeting again at the yearly Policeman’s Ball. He’s not expecting her there, but she is, and they spend the rest of the night dancing around each other literally (and figuratively).
The next drink he took finished the glass and he found himself itching for something else. A cigarette. He'd tried cutting down again about a week ago, but the urge was back and getting worse. He knew why, but at least it'd be an itch he could scratch.
V's eyes drifted towards him and he held them for a good minute until he realized someone was talking to him. “Sorry, what?”
Anne shifted in her seat so she could face him better. “She won't tell me the answer.”
“To what?” he asked, keeping his attention on Anne.
“To why you keep on putting up with my bullshit,” V answered, her grin taking on an edge. “Thought it was obvious.”
Troy had no choice but to look at her then. “It is. Ultor pays me enough for it.” He pushed his seat back and got up, excusing himself before leaving.
Um, ow.
M: Got any premises on the back burner that you’d care to share?
For SR, I do have an early SR1 fic where V actually stumbles into the first few minutes of the game. I also have a pre-SR4 one where Troy comes to visit her and see what some of the hubbub’s about when she’s ready to take office, and either of those would be fun to do, but would also tug at the old emotions a bit.
For FC5 I have a ton. I feel like this is summer fling, but would love to stick with it for a while. The one that I’ve been mostly working on today is a post-mission idea where the Deputy recovers the Widowmaker (a pretty sweet truck with a paint job you have to see to believe) and proceeds to get into some drunken shenanigans with her partners in crime, namely Sharky and Hurk. There may be feelings involved at some point as well, but she’s not telling.
N: Is there a fic you wish someone else would write (or finish) for you?
The rest of But I ain’t finished-
No, honestly. There have been some tough places where I wished I had more motivation to write, but I wouldn’t give my silly doof, or any of these stories away.
S: Any fandom tropes you can’t resist?
Most of the romance tropes I’m pretty weak for. Slow-burn fics are totally my jam, and I could read over a hundred chapters of build-up just to get to the good stuff. On the flip-side, I also do enjoy when the feelings end up rushing in after, and it all gets complicated fast.
I do also love absurd amounts of UST and banter, and if one half of the pair’s a little in denial of just how much the other person’s started to mean to them all the better. By which I actually mean, I’ll be sitting there screaming internally in front of my computer screen.
V: If you could write the sequel (or prequel) to any fic out there not written by yourself, which would you choose?
Oh, goodness no. I’ve read beautiful things by some very talented people, and I couldn’t even begin to think I’d do justice to their work. It also wouldn’t feel right unless it was done under the premise of it being a remix, that they’d give their blessing for, and even still I’d sweat bullets the entire time.
Y: A character you want to protect           
Troy. This times a thousand, mostly because the poor guy’s been through enough, and I will always have a soft spot for him.
In recent times, I find that I’m feeling very much the same about Sharky. The poor guy is a total sweetheart and a disco disaster, and he deserves to be happy.
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