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appleflavoredkitkats · 3 years

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Analysis of the “Fundy’s Mind” Stream: A Showcase of Repressed Memories and Repressed Insecurities

i. INTRODUCTION

Hi! This is going to be… something. Funny how I focus on this rather than my research homework, but I have a MASSIVE Fundy brain rot right now and I’d love to share my thoughts on Fundy’s newest stream. Fair warning, I am not the Messiah, so don’t take everything as fact. I’m open to constructive and objective discussions in replies or in DM’s, so feel free to hmu!

All of this is /dsmp and /rp by the way!

Heavy trigger warnings for derealization, parental neglect, neglect in general, self-deprecation, self-neglect, low self-esteem, death, manipulation, abandonment, loneliness, trust issues, torture mention, blood mention, and broken friendships.

Word Count: Approximately 10k.

ii. PRE-LIVESTREAM ASPECTS

Before we begin deep diving into the mind of Fundy, I do want to emphasize two major themes of this stream: 1.) Fundy’s insecurities, especially when it comes to abandonment and trust, and 2.) Fundy’s future predicting abilities. A ton (but not all) of statements uttered by the books and Fundy himself tend to have double meanings that apply to both of these themes.

We can further discuss the future predicting powers later, but to give a little background on Fundy’s insecurities: Fundy is notorious for heavily depending his self-worth on the recognition other people give him. Despite his immaturity, a lot of Fundy’s character is rooted in being heavily underestimated. This could be observed during the Pet Wars when his safety was constantly being threatened by Sapnap, inevitably making him lose a duel against him. Another way we can see this is through Wilbur’s early treatment of Fundy where he constantly infantilized him because Wilbur believed Fundy was a child incapable of being independent. This caused Fundy to appeal a lot to any type of compliment from any person- it began with Quackity ensuring him that he will gift him a lot of cookies if he votes SWAG2020, then to Schlatt complimenting him to the point that Fundy almost gave up on spying and siding with Pogtopia, then to the Butcher Army where he unhesitantly followed Tubbo and Quackity’s lead no matter how many times they made fun of him. While he revels in any type of recognition given, oftentimes, those who seem to care for Fundy tend to leave after he grows attached to them; first with Wilbur, then Niki, then Schlatt, then Eret and Phil, then Tubbo, Ranboo, and Quackity. In the Dream SMP, Fundy is very lonely and has dealt with abandonment issues left and right, but typically, he never does anything with his loneliness, as the last time he lashed out against someone who left him, nothing positive really came out of it (this is when he got mad at Ghostbur).

(Everything else is under the cut! I worked so hard on this, so please read it if you can, it’d mean a lot!)

So, with all that laid out, I want you to keep this all in mind as it is important for understanding why Fundy feels the way he does in the stream.

Now, let’s begin the analysis. First off, I believe it is important to denote the title and the tags of the stream. The stream is titled “Fundy’s Mind”, so we have to denote that this isn’t merely a dream sequence- the stream is meant to explore the complexity of Fundy’s mind. This includes his thoughts, insecurities, repressed memories, and so on and so forth. Additionally, the stream is tagged “Permadeath”, something different from what Fundy typically tags his streams. There is no clear explanation as to what this could mean, but the possibilities are:

It is hinting that the death system in the Dream SMP could be rigged, and someone is messing with the semantics of death and how it works.

It is hinting that someone will face a permanent death, and most fingers are pointed at Fundy as this is his stream. If not a permanent death, he might at least lose one of his canon lives which was hinted later on in the stream (will discuss later).

It is hinting that he was killed by the end of the dream. Not really a solid theory as we don’t actually know the repercussions of killing someone who is actively dreaming, but it is a possibility.

iii. PROLOGUE

A thing to question at the beginning of the stream is if the entire introduction was part of the dream or not. Seeing how Fundy has the same inventory from this to the next scene, it is plausible, but I don’t think it provides anything if it were a dream.

Anyway, other things to denote are Fundy’s hotbar! First noticeable thing would be the 38 baked potatoes. The website angelnumber.org explains that 38 means:

“The combination of these two numbers makes the number 38 a number which signifies joy and optimism, courage, finding creative ways to materialize abundance, reality, etc.

The essence of the number 38 in numerology are different kind of relationships, such as romantic ones, business partnerships, teamwork, cooperation, diplomacy, etc.

Number 38 people have a talent for dealing with people in a caring and creative way. They are born team-workers. They need interaction with other people to fully enjoy their lives. They are usually optimistic and have a gift of inspiring others to action.”

So far, the number 38 is viewed to be positive. It signifies financial success and cooperativeness, which is interesting if Fundy’s future arc potentially ties to working with Quackity. To further add onto symbolisms regarding success, dreamastromeanings.com says the following:

“If you dreamed of baking or roasting potatoes, that dream is a good sign. It usually indicates your finances increasing over time.

Possibly you have made some investments and now you are beginning to reap the fruits of your efforts and risky activities.”

or,

“If you dreamed of holding a potato in your hand, that dream is a bit of a warning. You might soon receive some lucrative opportunity, possibly work related.

It is advisable to think fast and accept it because you might not get a second chance.

It could also indicate that you are a bit lazy when it comes to taking chances and missing opportunities because of that.”

Both explanations refer to business opportunities and possible investments. If we combine both the explanation for the number 38 and carrying potatoes, we can assume that Fundy will be receiving a business opportunity that would be too good to miss. These explanations also imply that nothing too negative would occur, but instead, Fundy can achieve success through this business opportunity. The only arcs in the Dream SMP which I think could provide a business opportunity would either be 1.) a new warden at the prison, 2.) new member at Snowchester (low odds), but the most likely occurrence would be 3.) Quackity offers him a position at Las Nevadas. With the Quackity smiley face at the end of Fundy’s stream, we can safely believe that the job opportunity at Las Nevadas would be the most likely occurrence.

Another explanation for this is that because the 38 potatoes were brought from the seemingly real world, it could possibly pertain to something that had already happened in the past. This could possibly allude to L’Manberg, especially when the explanations behind 38 potatoes are presented to be more positive, something the current Las Nevadas arc isn’t.

Second thing to notice about the hotbar: Fundy is currently at level 5, with his EXP bar 1/18 filled. To reach level 5, one has to gain 55 EXP, and to reach level 6, one would need to gain an extra 17 EXP. If the bar is merely 1/18 filled, 1/18 of 17 would be 0.94, which when rounded off, is 1. Add 1 to the extra 55, and we would approximately get 56 EXP. The website angelnumber.org says the following:

“The number 56 symbolizes teamwork, coexistence, family, relationships, adventure and expression of freedom.

Number 56 people have diverse interests, some of which they have an in-depth knowledge of and some just general understanding.

They try different approaches in relationships, trying to keep them alive. If everything they’ve tried fails, they simply walk to another relationship.”

This could mean a lot of things. The second sentence could imply that Fundy doesn’t fully comprehend the complexity of his mind. Some parts, he may understand, some, he does not at all. This could imply that there are also more secrets hiding in his mind that we couldn’t get to see. The third sentence is more interesting as Fundy’s entire character arc involves him and his broken relationships with other people. It’s a quite accurate description of Fundy, describing how he desperately tries anything to make a relationship work, and if it fails, he could easily befriend other people even if there is a possibility that that relationship would fail like the previous.

If we ignore the number of EXP, we can merely focus on the number 5, which means the following:

“When angels are sending you number 5, they want to encourage you to have hope and to be ready to accept all the changes that are coming. Also, if number 5 has appeared just at the moment when you have been thinking about something important in your life, this number could be the answer or the solution for your problems. You should pay attention to number 5 and think of its secret meanings.

If number 5 keeps appearing by your side, it means that changes are already happening in your life. If they have not happened yet, don’t worry. They are on the way and you will feel them in the next couple of days or weeks.”

This can be connected to both the EXP number and the stream as a whole as Fundy begins to accept the gravity of his abandonment issues instead of suppressing his negative feelings towards it. Throughout the stream, Fundy is shown rejecting the idea that he is being neglected by others, but by the second half of the stream, he rejects it less and less. This could be the change the explanation is referring to as Fundy realizing his negative feelings towards his abandonment issues are valid and he needs to take them more seriously rather than brushing them aside.

With number symbolisms finally aside, we can begin analyzing the actual sequences! Fundy is seen to be approaching his “Not A Secret” Base with a sigh, asking chat if they can go to sleep so that he can go to sleep too. Fundy immediately doubts the possibility of the others in the server following through his request until Ranboo responds with a simple “okay” while Niki responds with “yiss, am asleep”. Fundy quickly flashes the members list on the screen, showing us that only Niki and Ranboo are online on the server before he showcases his new bed, claiming that he likes it.

Two interesting notes about this: 1.) he decides to sleep, which is odd enough in the Dream SMP, and 2.) him having three new beds despite only using one of them. For the first point, I’d like to refer you to what Fundy said at around 26:08:

“I just gotta sleep and then, it’s gonna disappear! And then everyone is gonna appear out of a bush and they’re gonna be ‘Surprise!’, and I’m gonna be like, ‘You guys…! You’re always pranking me, you’ve always been there for me. Every single time… except sometimes… when I needed you the most.’ I just go to bed, I just go to bed, and none of this ever happened.”

While I understand that he is referring to the dream, I also believe that this statement would be one of those types I mentioned earlier that may have a double meaning. While “I just go to bed,” could refer to him wanting to sleep and wake up from this horrific dream, it could also refer to how he easily shuts down to his abandonment issues and goes to bed instead of handling it head first. Knowing this, him going to bed in the first scene could imply that he is in this type of abandonment predicament, especially when we connect it to the second point. The color orange is meant to represent joy and warmth, and even without the symbolism, we all know orange is Fundy’s favorite color. He sees these three beds and says that he likes them, but I can’t help but feel like the other two beds are meant for two other people. I don’t think Niki and Ranboo being the only other two people on the server is coincidental; they have to relate to the two extra beds in some way.

Niki and Ranboo are two prime examples of close friends Fundy had before breaking off after a misunderstanding. Niki fought with Fundy after he had to burn the flag she made in order to gain Schlatt’s trust, while Fundy fought with Ranboo after Doomsday when they had conflicting beliefs about neutrality and sides. After both incidents, Fundy never really made his way to apologize, but Fundy has awkwardly met up with these two after a certain point. With Niki, he was forced to team with her at the beginning of the November 16th War, joking around with her and Eret, while for Ranboo, Fundy had to talk to him and Philza when they were joking around in the SMP. The meet ups definitely relieved some tension, but it never fully resolved the conflict Fundy had with both characters, so there was never a chance for him to rekindle the close bonds he had with both Ranboo and Niki in the past.

Fundy going to his favorite beds with two extra spots next to him could represent how he does cherish the friendships he shared with Niki and Ranboo, but never has the guts to actually bring back things the way that they were before. So, instead, Fundy sleeps, not wanting to think about them any further.

iv. FIRST DAY

When he wakes, Fundy checks his inventory before exiting his base, saying “Uhm, I don’t actually-” until he cuts himself off once he spots the desert. I don’t actually know what Fundy was supposed to say here, but because he checked his inventory beforehand, I believe he was trying to say “I don’t actually know where my things are,” but I could be wrong. To be fair, this isn’t too important, so we don’t have to focus on that. What we can focus on is the misplaced desert that was obviously not there before Fundy slept. We can easily infer what deserts could symbolize in dreams, especially when it comes to loneliness and the feeling of being deserted, but for better insight, consider what dreamstop.com claims about deserts:

“A dream of a desert is about something that is devoid of any feelings or care for you. It is all about them and nothing about you. Does someone show you a lack of respect? Is there someone or something in your life you dislike and adds no meaning to your life? Do you feel invisible? That no-one cares about you? Deserts represent an empty, barren place you may be trying to fill.

Desert dreams may appear when a relationship or friendship breaks down, or when you feel totally alone. You may have moved recently and have not yet made friends. You may feel homesick for all you left behind.

Being lost in a desert refers to your feelings that a situation is hopeless. You may have a problem you feel no-one cares about, even though you tried to reach out. You may feel there was no support and are feeling hurt and alone.”

You don’t need much analyzing to connect these meanings to what Fundy is experiencing. The setting of a “desert” merely pads the idea of Fundy being incredibly lonely to the point of him believing that he has nothing left to lose. Back in Doomsday, he was an optimistic nihilist, claiming that he doesn’t care much about what occurs from this point onwards as long as he can have a little bit of fun. On the stream where he created the Cube, he claimed that most people hated him anyway, so the least he could do was to make himself so hateable so other people could unite together in their hatred of Fundy even if it meant Fundy would have no companions left. Let it be known: Fundy is incredibly, incredibly lonely, and he is miserable in his loneliness, especially when his self-worth depends on how much people recognize him.

Another thing this desert could be eluding to would be Las Nevadas as it is set in the desert. I do think the desert’s main purpose is to showcase Fundy’s loneliness, but the connection to Las Nevadas is plausible.

Additionally, the dark skies Fundy sees doesn’t really need much of an explanation either. I couldn’t find a website exactly defining what it means to find a dark sky, but most of them speak of it as a negative thing, often symbolizing something terrible to come. I don’t think I need to explain that part, so we’re moving on.

Fundy is, understandably, very confused about this entire predicament. He quickly moves around his base to figure out what is going on, even messaging in chat to see if anyone would respond. Climbing up the ladders, he stands atop his base, spotting the silhouette of the Camarvan from afar. He continues to be confused, claiming he has no idea why he’s here in the first place. He claims he is “freaking out”, continuing to ask questions about where he is, and why the sky turns dark. He denotes that he isn’t at least completely alone as bunnies swarm around the desert. He begins to follow this sandstone path, every few blocks or so passing a fence with a torch stood atop it.

Here, we can infer that Fundy seems to have never seen this place before, or has no recollection of it entirely. Fundy doesn’t seem to be immensely freaked out just yet, especially since he hasn’t asked any questions about how no one is there, mostly focusing on his location and asking what the place is about.

Fundy then asks why the van is here, then zooms in on the nametags he sees at the back of the van. It is notable that something nametagged “Fundy” is shorter than another thing that is nametagged “WilburSoot”. Fundy tries to reach out for them but is unable to enter the van.

We can easily infer that this scene was meant to represent Fundy’s childhood in L’Manberg when he was being taken care of by Wilbur. Despite the lack of silhouettes, we can easily determine that Fundy is young in this scene because of how his nametag is in a much lower position next to Wilbur's, implying that whoever owns that nametag is much shorter. We can denote that by the beginning of the L’Manbergian Revolutionary War, Fundy was, in fact, a child.

Another question some of you might ask: why is the Camarvan here in the first place? While I believe it could be representative of the part of Fundy’s mind that tackles past memories, I do think it also serves another purpose which I will explain later.

Moving on to the next scenes, Fundy continues following the sandstone path while typing in chat, asking if anyone was actually there. He gets confused by the path for a moment, wanting to go to the ominous building, before realizing that the path does connect to the building, it just swerves a little to the left.

It is notable that when Fundy cried out for help, he doesn’t call for a name in specific- he calls out for ANYONE. The fact that he is calling out for “anyone” could denote that he doesn’t have any close friends or family members he would want to specifically call out for.

Continuing on, Fundy follows the path to the building, still very immensely confused about where he is. Opening the door, he sees that the inside descends into an underground room with its flooring made out of chiseled quartz blocks. Fundy gets scared at first, immediately closing the door, looking back in, and going back out once more.

Fundy denotes that there is absolutely nothing out here as he walks around the building. He then gains the courage to descend the staircase, wondering what it is, and at the bottom, there are a lot of misplaced sandstone blocks with small lights illuminating at certain corners. The path leads to the left, showing 10 pieces of red carpet on the floor, and 8 pieces of yellow carpet on the table. He approaches the wooden table before looking to his right, spotting a skull on the floor next to a piece of redstone, which I believe is meant to resemble blood.

I don’t think we really need to research a skull to check what it might represent, but my theory so far as to what the skulls mean in each building would be that it’s meant to represent Fundy losing a canon life. I don’t know if this was intentional, but the corner room where the skull is somewhat reminds me of the Final Control Room with the redstone in the middle representing the button. That is, after all, where Fundy lost his first canon life.

One of the theories I subscribe to is that the skulls in these buildings are meant to foreshadow Fundy’s death before he ever reaches it. Earlier in the day, we saw Fundy pass by the Camarvan with a younger Fundy which could possibly imply that they haven’t gotten to Eret’s betrayal yet, but the skull creeping up at the corner could represent that it is, in fact, coming. How this ties in to the entire future predicting thing, I will explain later, but for now, keep an eye out on the skulls.

Terrified of the skull, Fundy opens the chest and hesitantly picks up the book and quill inside of it. He opens it and is introduced to another Fundy writing to himself. Other Fundy claims that they’re not exactly the same person, but this Fundy is a part of the real Fundy. Other Fundy claims that Fundy cannot trust this place as it is not real, then begins saying that Fundy himself is not real repeatedly. Fundy’s heart rate suddenly increases when he sees the words “wake up” appear slowly in the book, and after page 34 is shown, Fundy wakes up to a new day in the dream world.

First thing to denote is that the book has 87 pages, and 87, according to affinitynumerology.com means as follows:

“The numerology number 87 is a number of family, organization, and prosperity.

It's also a number of harmony and idealism, the ideal generally related to a harmonious and prosperous family relationship.

87 has parental instincts. It assumes responsibility for the welfare of others it considers to be family.”

The explanation implies that Fundy longs for family and cares deeply for those who he considers as his family. As much as he hated Wilbur after he died, Fundy still continuously expressed how much he needed Wilbur to be there. He is absolutely attached to anyone who poses as a possible family member, especially to those who he views as parents or guardians. Even outside of Wilbur, he is still practically attached to Phil, even if Phil refuses to consider Fundy as family. Fundy also got immensely angered by Eret when she didn’t show up to sign his adoption papers. I’d even say his attachment to family would even reach people like Sally and Schlatt. Fundy has a tendency of casually talking about Sally, and whenever a character talks about eating salmon, Fundy becomes deeply offended. For Schlatt, Fundy kept Schlatt’s netherite sword after he died, considering it to be an “heirloom”, something that only gets passed down onto different generations of the same family. Fundy is incredibly attached to the sword, and whenever he loses it, he’s absolutely desperate to get it back. As much as Fundy gets abandoned, he still deeply appreciates a lot of his family.

87 is also very reminiscent of one of the books in the Inbetween. A lot of the phrasing in the books are actually quite similar to the Inbetween, but we aren’t sure if Fundy and the Inbetween are directly affecting each other or if these places merely work in similar ways. The main similarity between Fundy and the Inbetween is that it involves something related to time travelling, so the similarities could be pointing towards that rather than imply that Fundy is directly affecting the Inbetween all together.

Secondly, the book stops at Page 34. The website angelnumbers.org express the following:

"Most likely you are leaving your projects unfinished because of fear for their destiny after you finish them.

Will they be rejected or accepted by others?

Because you would rather not find out that and possibly have your ego hurt, you consciously or subconsciously sabotage your work and leave things unfinished.

When this number starts appearing in your life frequently, it is a reminder to acknowledge you have a problem and start dealing with it.”

This is very reminiscent of the paragraph I made earlier discussing Fundy’s relationship with Ranboo and Niki- and this could honestly apply to any other relationships Fundy has as well. Besides Fundy’s relationships, this explanation could apply to Fundy’s hesitance of finding out the truth of his mind. Earlier on in the streams, Fundy is immensely confused about the dream, not wanting to discover its truths at all. This eventually changes on the third day, but we’ll discuss that in a bit.

Another thing I’d like to discuss would be the identity of the book authors and why they wrote the books the way they did. I’ll explain about this more in-depth later, but I do believe that another Fundy is, indeed, writing these books. As this was set in Fundy’s mind, it’s quite impossible for anyone who isn’t Fundy to be meddling with the books. What we can denote, though, is the reason as to why these books were created in the first place. The book itself seems to be harmless at first, quite inviting towards Fundy in the first few pages, but once it had to introduce what this world is, it seemed to hesitate. There were a couple of disjointed pages, as well as blank pages, before it began claiming the world wasn’t real, and that Fundy wasn’t real. It turned a complete 180, which seemed to be very odd to me. In past events of the Dream SMP, derealizing statements like this tend to be tricks of the mind, but these statements seem to be intentionally put there by those who wrote the book, especially since later on, we see another book completely give up on saying these triggering statements, saying that “It’s not going to work.” (32:05).

What this implies is that whoever placed these statements are attempting to scare Fundy in some way, possibly heightening his insecurities and terror so that he can be truly terrified of the place. The constant statements of “you are not real” may not only refer to the Other Fundy trying to make Fundy spiral downwards in derealization, but it might actually represent how neglected Fundy feels to the point of feeling invisible, to the point of feeling that he “isn’t real”. But why is this Other Fundy trying to scare Fundy, and who, specifically, is the person behind the writings, you might ask? This question will be answered later on when we go more in-depth with the other books, as the bigger picture is very much needed instead of explaining it all by the first book.

v. SECOND DAY

Fundy wakes up in his base once more, evidently confused. We don’t really know why he wakes up in his base, and why the world changes every time he wakes up, but let’s just say this is all part of his dream to make sense out of it. This time, he sounds more broken, and definitely more unhinged. He calls out for any other member in the chat, telling them that whatever they’re doing is not funny. This is the first we see of Fundy believing that the others may actually just have been pulling a prank on him. He opens his chests frantically before venturing outside once more. He claims that he doesn’t believe the book, saying that this dream sequence feels pretty real to him.

This time, Fundy puts a bigger emphasis on asking why he is alone, and why nobody seems to be here with him. Fundy seems to be more shaken up by the idea that he’s alone over the idea that he does not know anything about where he is at all. He approaches the van, and when he zooms in, he sees that Wilbur’s nametag disappeared.

Transcript of this following scene:

“I knew you were there. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no- you can’t fool me! No, I knew you were there Wil. You were there, right there! Where did you go? Are you being- he’s being funny. This is funny! This is great. Aw, this is amazing- it’s just a prank! It’s April Fools soon- that’s why! Oh, I’m just being pranked… right?”

Now, this was… sad. This is one of the other statements that could have a double meaning. Fundy insisting that Wilbur is supposed to be there could not only be him comparing this day to the previous, but it could also imply his true feelings towards Wilbur, especially since he’s disappeared for a good portion of Fundy’s life. Fundy believes Wilbur is supposed to be there for him, but the reality is that he wasn’t. Instead of facing reality, Fundy concludes that all of this was a harmless joke instead of believing that Wilbur might have possibly left him.

Fundy attempts to enter the van once more, but his attempt doesn’t work. He then follows the path on the side directing to the ominous building only for him to realize that it has gotten closer.

The building getting closer to the main base actually has a lot of symbolism behind it. The building itself stores a lot of secrets, especially when it comes to the truths about this world and the different insecurities Fundy has repressed. Those writing the books have laid out all these secrets in every single book found in this building. The fact that it’s underground is meant to represent that these secrets are meant to be hidden in the depths of Fundy’s mind, but the fact that the building is getting closer to the main base makes it feel like 1.) the stored secrets about this world that Fundy may have forgotten about might finally seep into his consciousness, making him aware of them next time he wakes up, and 2.) the insecurities Fundy repressed deep down are seeping out more and more as it reaches the main core. Once it’s there, Fundy won’t be able to reject the truth about his abandonment issues any longer.

Fundy nears the building, still quite nervous. He opens the door, and the layout of the inside seems to be slightly similar to the previous day, but there are small details here and there that are different. Instead of 10 red carpets, there are 6, and instead of 8 yellow carpets, there are 6. Additionally, the skull seems to be closer, this time directly next to the table.

While the carpets were quite subtle, I do think it symbolizes a certain decrease of something. Red symbolizes the color for passion and love, while yellow is meant to represent happiness and positivity. Earlier, we saw that Wilbur disappeared from the Carmarvan, so the decrease of rugs for each color could represent Fundy’s love and happiness decreasing.

For the skull itself, I don’t know if I’m right, but this is what I infer from it: On the first day, we saw that Wilbur was still standing next to Fundy in the Camarvan as the first skull underground was still very far away. On the second day, when Wilbur was gone, the skull got closer, standing next to the table instead of it being far away. I theorize that if the skull is closer, then a canon death has already occurred in the time period the day wants to present. The first day presents a time where Wilbur was still taking care of Fundy, so Eret’s betrayal may not have happened yet, hence why the skull merely stayed hidden at the corner. On the second day, Wilbur has actively left Fundy, similar to the period after L’Manberg’s independence when Fundy had to partake in the Pet Wars alone. During that era, the betrayal has already happened, which is why I believe the skull is much closer this time.

Continuing on, Fundy opens the book and begins reading. From this point onwards, I do want to go more in depth with each of the books, so I’ll put transcripts here and there with my thoughts added onto it after each transcript.

“Hi me!

Welcome back!

Yeahh, second time here? or third?

not entirely sure”

So, this is confirmation that this might not be the first time Fundy’s having dreams like this. A good question to ask is if the book was written a long time ago and has presented itself the same way it does right now, or if this book was written recently. I don’t think the stream gave a definitive answer, but it is something to keep in mind.

“Listen to me Fundy

and you should trust me because,

well you know why

There are two things you can do right now

Walk back to your base, jump in bed, fall asleep, and you will wake up as if nothing ever happened

Or you can keep reading…

And I will tell you what I know”

The book pauses for a bit then continues saying “You are not real” ten times, “You dont want to know the truth” fifteen times, and spams “WAKE UP” until the 38th page, a number we analyzed earlier because of the 38 baked potatoes.

For the book itself, whoever is writing the book seems to be a bit hesitant when writing. It doesn’t seem to want to explain what this place truly is to Fundy, and as much as it clarifies that they are, indeed, Fundy, they never expound on how they were able to write these books and why Fundy should trust him. Other Fundy saying “you should trust me because, well you know why” is actually quite ominous, and I can only think of two reasons as to why they would say it: 1.) Other Fundy is implying that Fundy can trust him because he is, in fact, the same person, or 2.) Other Fundy is hinting that Fundy trusts too easily as seen with the people Fundy trusted in the real world.

Additionally, the Other Fundy seems to emphasize on the fact that they WANT Fundy to go to sleep and wake up in the overworld. They phrase it so that sleeping once more is the more logical option, while they basically scare Fundy with the other option, evident by his quickened heartbeat. The Other Fundy seems to know about the intricacies of this dream and its world, but seems to be very hesitant to tell Fundy about it. The continuous threats imply that the Other Fundy doesn’t want Fundy to know the truth at all.

Basically, this Other Fundy knows something, something our Fundy doesn’t know about, and wants to emphasize that it is something horrific. He will do whatever he can do so that he can stop Fundy from knowing the truth, even if it means he has to scare Fundy.

Additionally, to me, it feels like “WAKE UP” could possibly have two meanings. If the underground structure is meant to represent things that Fundy constantly represses to the back of his mind, not only would the secrets of his dream reside there, but his own repressed insecurities may reside there as well. The way Fundy treats the truth about his dreams is actually quite similar with the way he treats his insecurities- he tends to reject its existence and pretend that everything is normal. This dream isn’t just a dream, it’s an exploration of Fundy’s mind, and telling Fundy to “WAKE UP” doesn’t just refer to not knowing the truths about the dream, but it could also refer to Fundy not knowing the truths about his own insecurities hidden deep in the depths of his mind.

vi. THIRD DAY

Fundy wakes up, breathing heavily. He paces around his room before opening the door frantically, seeing that he is still stuck in a desert. He begins to laugh, repetitively telling himself that all of this is a “joke”. He continues questioning why he’s still in this dream, and when he opens the door, he sees the ominous structure observably closer to the base. He claims that he’s actually stressing out, and Fundy goes on a tangent about this dream and reveals a bit about his insecurities:

“They’re toying with me, they’re toying with me. They’re actually- everyone is toying with me- they are ALWAYS TOYING WITH ME. Everyone is! I’m always being played with. Why? Why always me- no! Why does it always have to be me? Every single time. I don’t wanna- (sigh). I don’t wanna keep dealing with this- I just wanna- no- do I just… Do I just… Do I just go up here and listen to- wai- okay. The book said I have two options: I can wait here until it’s night time. Wait until the sun sets and I can go to sleep, and when I go to sleep and wake up, none of this is real. None of this is gonna- it’s gonna disappear. None of this is real, none of this is real, none… It’s not real, it’s not real, I am currently not real, this is no- how is this possible? How is this- wha- how did- how… None of this is real. I am not real. All I have to do is wait for midnight and just sleep, and all of this would end, right? All I have to do is… wait until night time and then… it’s all gonna be over, it’s all gonna be done.

I just gotta sleep, and then, it’s gonna disappear. And then everyone is gonna appear out of a bush and they’re gonna be ‘Surprise!’ and I’m gonna be like, ‘You guys! You’re always pranking me… you’ve always been there for me (sniffs). Every single time… except sometimes… when I needed you the most. I just go to bed… I just go to bed, and then I wake up, and none of this ever happened. And we’re gonna go back to my old life where I have fun and join parties and join groups and only see them disappear in front of my eyes as I start to get attached to them. Y-yeah, that’s- that’s- that’s the choice I’m making. Go back to that... (sigh). Just… or you know…”

LOTS to unpack here, and I’ll go one by one explaining certain aspects of this because it’s not just something that showcases Fundy’s insecurities.

Firstly, interesting how Fundy believed that the book was toying with him like how a lot of other people do. That’s what makes him afraid of the book- the feeling of being pushed around. The book is actively trying to use Fundy’s insecurities against him in order to make him more and more afraid of the truth. This is interesting because Fundy is known to be ignorant towards his actual issues (just look at his monologue), but the Other Fundy seems to be acutely aware of them. I will explain why he is aware of them later on.

Secondly, this is the most observable point, Fundy seems to be aware that he is quite frankly, alone, but tends to ignore it. He copes with his abandonment issues by treating his abandonment like a joke. He believes that every single person who’s left him did it as a prank. Even if he laughs at this idea, he is also evidently hurt by it. It hits even harder when you realize that Fundy is quite the dependent character, often sucking up to any person who gives him recognition. If Fundy depends on others to dictate his self-worth, how do you think he thinks of himself right now when he literally has nobody?

Putting emphasis on Fundy’s loneliness is going to be interesting because I do think some characters in future arcs are going to exploit that. If Quackity is going to use and manipulate Fundy the same way Sam does, then there would be no doubt that he will use Fundy’s loneliness against him. Even if it’s not Quackity who approaches Fundy first- even Bad, Sam, Dream, anyone, really, could use Fundy’s loneliness against him, which will make for an interesting plot point.

Lastly, not a lot of people spotted this, but this monologue also gives us insight as to why Fundy continued looking for the truth about his dreams instead of staying in his base and waiting for night. When talking about what to look forward to once he wakes up, he talks about how much “fun” he is going to have. Slowly, you see his denial start to dwindle as he finally admits that people leave him just as he gets attached to them. As much as Fundy wanted to wake up from this horrific dream, he realizes that, once he wakes up, he has nothing to look forward to either. That’s why he hesitates when he says “Yeah, that’s the choice I’m making,” because he realizes waking up isn’t as ideal as it seems. This is why Fundy immediately goes outside afterwards with no hesitation- Fundy has nothing left to lose, hence why he chooses to venture forth. Fundy is driven to do things because he feels like his life is purposeless anyway.

Fundy then begins to head outside quietly, zooming into the ominous building while walking right towards it. He then detours for a moment, walking towards the right of the building, and approaches a giant crater filled with obsidian and blackstone.

The explosion could symbolize two things:

Any of the L’Manberg explosions. With the obsidian and blackstone combination, my guess is that this is either the first Doomsday event (L’Manbergian War of Independence) because of L’Manberg’s walls, or the November 16th War because of Schlatt’s Podium. Why the big amount of blackstone and obsidian? Well, I’m not so sure when it comes to L’Manberg as its walls didn’t have obsidian, but for the November 16th war, I do think that the abundance of blackstone and obsidian is meant to represent how Fundy is reducing the November 16th war to Schlatt’s Podium. This can be alarming as he was the one who made Schlatt’s Podium, so reducing the war to that one building might symbolize that he blames himself for the war.

Another theory, which is the theory I subscribe to more, is that this is actually depicting an event in the future that we haven’t seen yet. Namely, the prison. If you zoom in on the explosion, the block pattern is quite reminiscent of the block pattern present in the prison.

While I’ll mostly discuss Fundy’s future predicting powers later, I do think that there’s a possibility that Fundy saw a vision of the future, unlike the past two days where he saw visions of the past. The prison might possibly be nuked in the future.

Fundy then proceeds to walk back towards the building, repetitively saying “no”. He claims he needs to find out, sounding more determined than before. For this, even if the explosion could represent many things, I do think Fundy is generally reminded of the explosions he had to witness throughout the history of the Dream SMP. Perhaps he believes that finding out the truth could prevent more explosions from occurring, perhaps he figured out that this was the prison and he needed to know why it exploded, perhaps him walking away from something that’s reminiscent of real life represents his choice of wanting to learn more about his dreams rather than sticking to anything similar to real life.

Moving on, Fundy enters the building, saying he wants to know what’s going on. The underground room seems to have changed a bit, as the chiseled quartz floors changed into quartz bricks. The place also seems to be littered with end stone blocks and bricks. The place is much darker as well, and the carpets on the floor and table seem to be gone entirely. Two skulls can be observed near the table.

My brain actually can’t reason as to why the end blocks were there, or why the quartz blocks changed. My guess is that the end stones will eventually connect to a future plot point relating to the End, but again, I’m not sure. The carpets being gone could represent that the love and happiness (red and yellow) that Fundy had disappeared completely. The dishevelled state of the room could represent that the secrets being held inside this underground room are finally breaking free as its confines tear down more and more.

Now the skulls- if we go by the theory I presented earlier, then the skulls are meant to represent canon deaths. If the skull was tucked into the corner, then that means death is to come, but if it’s near the table, then I believe the canon death already occurred. If two skulls are next to the table, then it could imply that whatever time period the day is set in should be around the time Fundy loses a second canon death, which hasn’t occurred yet. Again, this is all speculation, so I might be overthinking, but if the explosion is meant to represent the prison getting nuked, then there’s a possibility Fundy would lose a canon life before the prison gets destroyed.

Now, onto the juicy bit: the book. The book reads as follows:

“Hi. again.

...Why are we so persistent

...Why are we so stubborn

...You have been here before, but you keep coming back

...Why?

WHY???

You dont want to know the truth

It will hurt you

I dont want to be hurt again

YOU dont want to be hurt again

I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT

PLEASE JUST LEAVE

GO TO BED

FALL ASLEEP

ENJOY YOUR LIFE

ENJOY THE FUN THINGS

THE TRUTH ISNT WHAT YOU WANT

PLEASE

STOP THIS

STOP!!!”

The book tries scaring Fundy by spamming “WAKE UP” across multiple pages.

“It’s not going to work, huh..

Listen to me Fundy…

Your mind is not safe…

You are not imagining this…

This place might not be real…

But he is.

Spare yourself.

I need you to listen carefully.

Do not join him.

Whatever he asks of you.

Do NOT join him.

his plans aren’t as nice as they sound.

his intentions aren’t what you think they are.

he will use you

he will destroy you

everything you ever loved

everyone you ever cared about

do not join him.”

Before I explain this book, I think it’s best to also note down what was said in the next book as well so I can better explain what’s going on.

“note to self

hello

I just wrote this book to remember who I am

To remember what is happening

All the books I just found are indeed written by me

Listen to yourself

You suffer from a very odd illness

You suffer from a form of insomnia, within your own dreams.

Now the effects of this aren’t really known, and even I don’t fully know what is going on.

but let me tell you

somehow, this world, these actions and events, are linked to reality.

things that happen in these so-called “dreams”, tend to leak into the real world

they will actually happen.

you might wonder how exactly this is a bad thing.

the ability to predict certain events from happening, sounds pretty cool.”

Fundy then stops reading the book, seemingly overwhelmed by the influx of information. Analysis time, boys, time to unpack what this all means.

Firstly, I believe that this dream has happened before. Multiple times, actually. If certain “events” in the dream are meant to predict the future, then the moments involving the Camarvan on the first two days could imply that Fundy has seen this place before during the L’Manberg era where he could’ve predicted Eret’s betrayal and the loss of his father. If we think about it, the books could honestly be given to Fundy at any time period and it would work. Look at the entire section of the book describing someone who Fundy can’t trust- this “him” person could honestly be… anyone who abandoned Fundy? If the book hints at someone who might possibly hurt and use Fundy, then Eret, Wilbur, Schlatt, and Dream could also be considered. These people were nice to Fundy at first before betraying him one way or another. There is a possibility that this dream has warned Fundy about these people in the past, only for Fundy to forget about the dream. What about this time though, who is this “him” that’s going to betray Fundy during this time period? Well, the easy answer would be Quackity, but Bad could be a possibility as well. With the hint towards Quackity at the end, I do believe that Quackity would be the main suspect, but it’s also good to keep an open mind as we don’t know much of who Fundy’s involved with in Season 3.

Now, why would Fundy be able to forget about the dreams, though? I do think that whoever is responsible for writing the books are doing their best to prevent Fundy from uncovering the truth. Who do I think are the book authors? Well, I don’t think they were lying when they said that they were Fundy. I believe that, just like the Dream voice in Ranboo’s head, the Fundy that writes books would be some sort of conscience or subconscious in Fundy’s mind. This part of the mind holds certain memories repressed by Fundy, as well as some of the insecurities he chooses to ignore. They are aware of all of Fundy’s past visits of this dream, and they know the dangers of it, which is why they want Fundy to not uncover the truth.

The signed book claims that whatever Fundy sees in the dream will seep out into reality. Knowing this, I believe Fundy’s subconscious is trying to prevent Fundy from seeking out the truth to prevent these future visions from happening in real life; this especially applies to events that involve Fundy possibly being hurt. There is a possibility that this Fundy has seen past Fundy’s discover events like the Camarvan and the loss of Wilbur occur in dreams way past before it occurred in real life, so they feel afraid that our Fundy would uncover more and more truths that would become reality. While we don’t know if Other Fundy’s beliefs on future predicting is true, this gives us a better understanding of why they want Fundy to go to bed and wake up. (Additionally, the Other Fundy has placed emphasis on saying that the truth may hurt Fundy, so there is a possibility that these future events might involve something that heightens Fundy’s insecurities more. That’s why this Fundy seems to be so aware of Fundy’s insecurities- they have witnessed Fundy’s insecurities being used against him in certain visions.)

For the memory thing, so far, I believe a part of Fundy’s mind is actively suppressing all the memories Fundy has of his dreams. Fundy already represses a lot of his insecurities, so using Fundy’s insecurities against him might actually enable them to keep Fundy’s memories about the dream locked in the corners of his mind. The place where the book is kept in is underground, after all, but we do have to keep in mind that the building is getting closer and closer to Fundy’s main base. This could symbolize that Fundy will remember his dreams more once he wakes up.

So basically, so far, Fundy has dreamt this dream multiple times in the past, and during each dream, he witnesses an event in the future that could possibly happen in real life. Fundy’s subconscious, or possibly past versions of Fundy, are trying to warn future Fundy’s to not uncover too many truths about the dream as they believe this could possibly manifest terrible events to happen in real life. To get Fundy to go back to bed, they try scaring Fundy, using his insecurities against him, only this time, Fundy is a bit more disobedient because, again, he feels like he has nothing left to lose.

Another theory I have which I’m not 100% sure about is that this Other Fundy, as much as it has good intentions, may have committed a mistake when they tried to get Fundy to bed by using his insecurities. If anything in the dream may happen in real life, them heightening Fundy’s insecurities might pass over to the real world as well. While scaring Fundy could prevent him from uncovering the truth, it might’ve also been a double-edged sword as Fundy is more aware of his insecurities more than ever.

Continuing on, Fundy decided to leave the building, seeing that it’s night time. He sounds relieved knowing that he can sleep and that he can wake up from this dream. He celebrates for a moment, throwing the book away, but then he hesitates, saying he wants to know the truth. He picks the book up again but doesn’t read it immediately, claiming that he could just sleep instead of knowing the truth.

Fundy seems to revel in the idea of waking up for a bit until he mentions how much of a “blast” he can have with everyone once he wakes up. After mentioning this, he immediately picks up the book with no hesitation. This is the second time Fundy is shown to be motivated in finding the truth about his dreams because of him realizing how unfun the real world is. Again, Fundy is seen to be motivated by the fact that he has nothing left to lose, and as much as he is scared of this dream, he seems to prefer finding this world’s truth over going back into the real world where he’s practically alone.

Moving on, the book continues:

“however…

while this might be the case of dreams…

this is also the case for nightmares…

this is your last warning Fundy

please… for the both of us…

just wake up”

This part of the book simply affirms all I’ve theorized about earlier. The Other Fundy hints that some events that Fundy might witness in his dream would be detrimental to Fundy, which is why he doesn’t want Fundy to continue exploring. He knows that Fundy will possibly manifest an event that will ruin him in real life, so he wants Fundy to sleep instead of accidentally manifesting his demise.

vii. FOURTH DAY

Fundy then wakes up once more, complaining that this dream never ends. He goes outside, seeing a black, hooded figure slowly turn around and chase him. With a quickened heartbeat, he runs up his stairs to sleep in a black bed placed on the roof. Fundy screams as we see the hooded figure approach, and the screen fades to black. A white smiley face reminiscent of the one on Quackity’s skin appears on the screen as casino slots sound effects play in the background.

Now, what do I make of this? Well, firstly, we gotta point out that his bed at the end looked EERILY similar to a gravestone. A lot of websites claim that sleeping in a gravestone or seeing a gravestone could indicate change, especially when it comes to overcoming one’s sadness or problems. In a literal sense, we can think of it as something foreshadowing a future canon death, especially if we think that the person chasing Fundy is the grim reaper.

Speaking of that person, I do have a couple of explanations as to who this person is:

The person is death themselves, the grim reaper. This is the common conclusion everyone believes in, especially when we consider this “him” person possibly hurting Fundy, and that second skull in the underground room. Quackity is the main culprit for now, especially with that smiley face in the end, but there could be other possibilities! Like, what if someone takes Fundy’s canon life before he joins Quackity, which is why the smiley face only popped up after Fundy’s dream death? Mayhaps someone affiliated with Quackity might be doing the dirty work for him, so Bad, Sam, Dream, and anyone, really, could be responsible for Fundy’s future canon death. Moreover, the fact that this death occurs affirms the beliefs of the Other Fundy. The Other Fundy merely wants Fundy to be safe from possibly manifesting his demise in real life, but Fundy’s curiosity got the best of him, and in the next sequence, he was killed, proving that the Other Fundy was right in saying that Fundy should’ve just slept.

A theory I made up which I’m not 100% sure of is that this figure is actually Fundy’s subconscious trying to get him to sleep. When Fundy was being chased, we heard a quickened heartbeat, and where was the only other time we heard that? When Fundy was reading the “WAKE UP” and “you’re not real” messages from those books. We can view this as the Other Fundy’s attempt in trying to get Fundy to actually sleep by using another scare tactic against Fundy. And well… it did work! Because Fundy was afraid of this figure, Fundy went to sleep. There is also a possibility that this occurrence is what makes Fundy forget about the dream because his subconscious got a hold of Fundy and forcibly made him forget, but I’m not 100% sure about that one yet.

Lastly, the face! That should already allude to Fundy possibly joining Quackity’s lore, and with the “38 potatoes” symbolizing business opportunities, I expect Fundy to be joining Las Nevadas as a possible employee. Quackity does, in fact, prey on people who are insecure, and can easily get them to do whatever he wants because of his words. If he can get Sam to give him the tools needed to torture Dream, Quackity might exploit Fundy’s loneliness into making him do whatever Quackity wants from him.

Another face that this could possibly connect to is the face in the Egg lair! While I’m leaning more towards Quackity because of the casino sounds, I do wanna say that the Egg and the Eggpire could possibly be connected as well, especially when the Egg could provide Fundy anything he wants. Just like how Quackity could prey on Fundy’s insecurities, the Egg preys on those who feel like they’re missing something, so as much as Fundy could be manipulated by Quackity, he could also be manipulated by the Egg. Additionally, business opportunities could apply to the Eggpire as well as they’ve contacted Purpled in the past to assassinate Puffy, so who’s to say they won’t try adding Fundy to the Eggpire?

TLDR; This entire stream showcased both Fundy’s insecurities and Fundy’s future predicting powers and how this “Other Fundy”, aka his subconscious, wants him to repress them because they believe that if Fundy uncovers the secrets of his dream more, then Fundy would accidentally manifest his demise in real life. Additionally, Fundy is very lonely, making him vulnerable of being used in the future because he is desperate to get any type of recognition from anybody. In summary, be afraid of Fundy’s future lore streams, be very afraid.

viii. ADDITIONAL NOTES

Even when I finish this, there’s a lot of questions to ask about this stream that I want you to keep in mind:

How many times has Fundy encountered this before?

How does Fundy forget all the information he got from the dreams?

How does Fundy write to himself?

Why is there so many details connected to Karl, and what does it have to do with time travelling?

Why does Fundy return to his bed every time his heartbeat quickens when reading a book?

Was the first scene part of the dream or not?

Could the underground room’s structure actually mean something?

And there’s probably more, but just saying, keep an open mind about this entire stream because there’s definitely a lot more to uncover.

I want to reiterate: I am not the Messiah, so don’t take my word as the truth and the absolute truth. I’d love to hear your thoughts about Fundy’s stream as a lot of it could be up for speculation! The entire thing is filled to the brim with symbolisms, so there could be a lot of interpretations to consider. If you enjoyed this, feel free to like and retweet because I worked my ASS off with this one.

Special thanks to the following:

Fundy and any of the Dream SMP members because that stream was INCREDIBLE. Go give them your love and support.

kingjem for always being there whenever I want to discuss any ideas I have about the Dream SMP. One of the smartest bitches I know, go follow them.

To all my betas who reviewed this document since I have a TON of grammar mistakes (thanks English): prismartist, bootsforthebootsgod, Finni_june (twt), ender-hyperfocuses-on-things, and Dngertosociety2 (twt)

And to all of you who like this post and would share it to other people! All support is appreciated. :D

#fundy #dream smp #mcyt #long post

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sheepprophet · 4 years

Text

/rp obv and /lh for the most part!

My thinking out loud for who Ranboo could trust with the enderwalk state, in no particular order:

A. Tommy. Probably one of the most obvious choices imo. He's proven to Ranboo specifically that he can be trusted to protect him in a similar situation (the trial about George's house being griefed where Tommy took the fall for him). I think Ranboo knows that Tommy can keep a secret. And Tommy isnt really on any sides at the moment - apart from his friendship with Tubbo which would probably his one loose end that could end up being a deal breaker for Ranboo. I legit think Tommy is objectively the best choice for this job (and i wanna see akward duo reunite as much as the next guy), but we gotta keep in mind who we're dealing with. Ranboo's likely not going to be think of Tommy as someone who's divorced himself from basically all conflict and is just trying to better himself. He's so paranoid about this exact issue, he's probably going to default to thinking Tommy is essentially just between sides right now. Plus, like I said, Ranboo didn't say he needs someone who "isnt on any side", he said he needs someone who's "detached". While Tommy definitely fills the former, he definitly doesn't fill the latter.

B. A lot of chat was suggesting Techno and/or Phil? Which?? My dudes??? No???? Yeah sure they probably wouldn't care, but Ranboo has made it pretty clear that he's really cautious about telling them things like this in fear that one day, they might care. Plus, when they say they don't care, they really mean it. To be honest, I dont think c!Techno or c!Phil are good people to be that vulnerable to? Mainly because this is something that Ranboo is going to need unprompted reassurance with and I dont really think either of them would think to do that? Plus, they're very much on a side, that being their own. When Ranboo says detached, I think he means really detached (or at least as much as humanly possible on this SMP).

C. Fundy. This one is odd because I could totally see it happening, but I can just as easily see it not. Ranboo and Fundy established a pretty strong bond throughout December, but after Doomsday it completely fell through for them both. They clearly still care about each other and that bond is definitely still there, but its been damaged and they've both been afraid to be the first to make an effort to mend it. I genuinely believe if they would just talk, they'd be back to normal in like 10 minutes. But they'd need to talk first and in this case I think Ranboo would be the one to start the conversation, which he's shown discomfort in doing before. However, if they could bridge this gap, l think Fundy would be a very good choice (as long as he could take it seriously). Obviously, Ranboo can trust Fundy on an emotional level and we know Fundy can keep a secret (almost too well) because of the whole A Spy's Diary situation. Fundy also said himself that he currently has no alliances on the smp, aside from probably Ranboo and Ranboo knows this. Additionally, Fundy is one of the only people, along with Puffy, and of course Dream, who have canonically seen him in his enderwalk state. (Tommy did notice him wandering around like he was in it once, but Ranboo hasn't acknowledged that time as canon, so idk). Anyway, I think Fundy would be a pretty solid choice if they can just get their shit together and finally make up.

D. Karl? I see where y'all are coming from with this one and listen, I would also love to see these to interact and bond over their respective memory issues, bookkeeping, and disrealization problems. But, I hate to break it to you that c!Ranboo literally has no clue about any of that. No one does. Karl hasn't told anybody about his ability to time travel and atm doesnt have any plans to. Granted, Ranboo could choose him for other reasons, but I highly doubt it, honestly?

E. Wilbur? I know what i just said, but Hear Me Out. He's not revived right now and we don't know when he will be or what he'll even be like when/if he is. But, a few things we can guarantee is that when/if he is he'll be one of the most detached people on the server (both politically and probably emotionally), he'd have no qualms with helping out Ranboo even if he does turn out to be some awful war criminal, and, based on his interactions with Ghostbur, I think Ranboo might be willing to trust him. And probably my biggest argument for why i like this crack theory: If Wilbur remembers all of the shit he did, that means he'll be one of the few people who would be able to relate to Ranboo. He knows what it's like to have Dream take advantage of your poor/deteriorating mental health and talk you into commiting acts of terrorism. Wilbur also would know what it's like to feel like you can't trust anyone, including yourself, and he could relate to Ranboo's disrealization he's been experiencing. Plus, I just think getting to see these two interact like this would be neat idk. Definitely not going to happen, but I thought I'd inculde the idea here!

F. Eret. Fuck dude, I really want Ranboo to go to Eret about this. Like first of all, Eret is functionally detached from everything right now (I mean that's why Dream has put them on the throne twice now). All Eret cares about is helping those who need it, which would include Ranboo. I also think Ranboo knows he can trust Eret and we all know Eret would be such a sweetheart about comforting the kid, while also understanding the seriousness of the situation and treating it as such. Something that I also thought was interesting was Ranboo emphasizing that it would be ideal if the person has "kept a secret before". Now, Fundy has also kept a big secret before (again, A Spy's Diary), but ya know who was the one other person who knew about Fundy's spy plan and kept the secret (which was someone else's) just as well? Eret. And of course, the reason Eret was the first person who came to mind for me: Eret betrayed L'manberg all that time ago and, obviously, had to keep it a secret and did with ease, even at a time when the writing couldn't protect it for them. Point is, Eret checks this box multiple times over and gets a gold star on it. On the note of Eret's betrayal, what I said about Wilbur knowing what it's like to be used by Dream to commit terrorism/war crimes, also applies to Eret. It's often forgotten that Eret was actually the first person to be used and manipulated by Dream. Eret wanted respect and power and when Dream found out, he promised it to them in the form of a flimsy title and fancy crown in exchange for turning on their friends, Eret took it. They then regretted it almost instantly. Point is, Eret can not only help Ranboo through this with the care and respect he requires, but can also do so by being able to relate to Ranboo on a personal level, which I think Ranboo would respond to. Eret is sort of the closest Ranboo could have to having someone represent what he's afraid he could become - someone who's seen as a filthy traitor and nothing more, never able to earn back the love and respect of their friends. But, Eret could show him that, with time and a lot of effort, he's worthy of forgivess just like they were. I also really want this for Eret. Let Eret be able to use the experience that they view as their biggest mistake, followed by months of paying for it, as a way to be able to help this kid that's grappling with some pretty heavy problems. It would be so healing for the both of them.

#dream smp #dsmp #dream smp analysis #dream smp theory #sorta #im more spitballing here lol #ranboo #tommyinnit #wilbur soot #fundy #itsfundy #fundylive #fundy why are you like this just pick some branding #eret #i just noticed this tag ive apparently used before that feels relevant:#hot take: eret was the first person to fall victim to dreams manipulation and has been paying for it ever since #im so big brain /j

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firesnap · 3 years

Note

I saw you be excited for your wayward children and with the new chapter coming out, would you want to share your thoughts on it?

Okay. Yes. First, I'm very picky about my fanfics. I know that's on me. I have kind of a mental checklist for what will make me click out of a fic -- especially regarding Wilbur's characterization. You should see my exclude tag list right now.

I'm also fairly picky about, if you're going to do SBI as a family dynamic, making them still feel like individual pieces. I have some criteria for SBI fanfic as well.

This is also the first fandom I've been in where I love AU's so much. I used to be much more into canon divergent or canon expansion type stories, but I like that RP characters are malleable for AU's. But I'm picking about AU's. I want them to not just be shoving characters into a trope or other story and making them shift to fit the story instead of shifting the story to fit them.

Oh shit this got long.

Anyway, first thing. The reason Your Wayward Children is one of my favorite stories is because it's a dark urban fantasy telling of season one. That's a slam dunk right there for me. It's taking broad plot brushes, themes and motiffs from Season 1 and using that to tell an all new story that allows characters to play new roles and still explore those ideas.

So this story has SBI family dynamic, which I'm picky about as I said, but the story allows Phil to fuck up. Not be neglectful, not be unloving, and not be cruel. He just fucks up at the worst moment. While as devastating as dsmp!Phil's fuck ups, it's done in a way that makes me sympathetic toward him. Something, honestly, the DSMP has always failed to do even though I could definitely see YWC's Philza having similar shortcomings as DSMP!Phil.

The story's version of Wilbur's spiral is heart wrenching and sympathetic, while he's still grappling with the same core struggles as S1!Wibur but with a dark fantasy twist to it. The characterization of Wilbur, in general, is great. There’s the warmth. There’s charisma without telling me he’s being charismatic. There’s imposter syndrome. There’s the dark pit and the sheer cliff and him balancing on the edge. The author has a great voice for him.

Niki gets a developed relationship with Wilbur!

Techno and Wilbur’s relationship isn’t easy and that’s good to see. They weren’t ever cuddly and the author makes big efforts to differentiate the ease of Tommy and Wilbur’s relationship with Techno and WIlbur’s.

The world building.

Like, hands down, the world building. The world feels fleshed out and has enough familiar elements that you can focus on the new ideas or concepts without feeling like you’re playing catch up.

I just really like it, okay?

#asks #anon

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a-wild-rosette · 3 years

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Thoughts on Fundy and Phil’s Lore Stream

/dsmp /rp

Also an entry for Day 2: Family for Fundy Week @fundyfiles

The new Fundy and Philza lore makes me incredibly happy because it gives me a bit of hope for Fundy. For the first time since Doomsday, I can see that there is a chance, or at least the beginning of a chance, for Fundy to finally get someone who might care about him, someone who is willing to at least put in some work to mend their relationship with Fundy. It is only the beginning, but Philza acknowledging that his action on November 16th hurt Fundy and apologized for it was a huge step in their relationship.

Up until that point, since the Butcher Army, Fundy had always been the person who made the effort to mend his familial relationship, however misguided. Fundy was constantly trying to spend time with Philza and being around him, and was always met with disapproval and a vague “more redeeming to do”. In contrast, Philza had been focused very hard on how Fundy’s actions hurt him, yet did not acknowledge that he also played a part in Fundy being hurt also. He denied their familial relationship, claiming that Fundy needed to put more effort into redeeming himself, but also did not make an effort to try to understand and forgive Fundy, or to tell Fundy what he could do to earn Phil’s forgiveness.

But Wilbur’s resurrection turned that attitude around. It is a shocking event that reminded Philza of his and Fundy’s history with Wilbur and finally pushed him to see Fundy for more than a member of the Butcher Army, more than someone who wronged him. This pushed him to seek Fundy out for the first time, and actually made an effort at communication. For any kind of relationship to work, there has to be communication and effort from both sides, and up until that point, the effort had been one-sidedly from Fundy. Philza making an effort for Fundy, therefore, finally reopened the opportunity for them to actually talk to each other, and for Phil to reassess his own biases toward L’Manberg. Phil realised he had been wrong about L’Manberg and Fundy, and even Wilbur, which changed his attitude toward Fundy drastically. I don’t want to think Philza is an unreasonable person, but he is loyal and sometimes that loyalty makes him unable to see further than the people he cares about. This stream might have added Fundy to the list of people he cares about. *Might have*, tentatively. But it sure gave us hope for it.

And on Fundy’s part, he finally had someone to be vulnerable to, even for just a few moments. If I remember correctly, Philza might have been the first person Fundy told about the nightmares and his struggles. Fundy very rarely talked about his struggles to other people, preferring to keep it to himself, unless it was extremely serious that he could not control his emotions (e.g. Wilbur’s death and his relationship with Wil in general). For Fundy to show such vulnerability with Philza is a new milestone for their relationships, that Fundy could stop playing the part of the prankster grandson and reveal a bit of his inner turmoil.

Another part that gives me more hope was that Fundy didn’t really have to change himself for Philza to accept him. Instead, Philza was the one who changed his attitude. Fundy did not have to strive for a vague goal of redemption, he did not have to breakdown or scream to be taken seriously, at least with Philza in this stream. Fundy could remain as himself, imperfect, yes, scared, confused, still deeply hurt. But now there was that hope that Fundy might get the love and care he deserved and desperately needed.

Now put that in contrast to what Quackity told Fundy in Fundy’s “My Nightmare” stream: Quackity insinuated that Fundy was still not good enough to join him, gave Fundy the vague goal of “find yourself”, and constantly talked down to, cut off, and spoke over Fundy. Quackity was, once again another person, who continued to kick Fundy when he was already down, who forced Fundy to change to meet Quackity’s own vision of what Fundy should be like.

I just hope that this theme continues with Philza and Fundy, because Quackity is trying his hardest to undo everything this stream accomplished.

#dream smp #dream smp analysis #c!quackity critical #fundy #philza #fundyweek2021 #death tw #breakdown tw #manipulation mention #nightmare tw #rose's analysis

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #467

“oh, mary, mary, ain’t this fun? / mary, mary, i’ve got a gun”

If the last person you kissed asked you to marry them, what would you do? Pray to god it wasn't in public and tell him it's waaaay too soon for that one. Does your favorite uncle have any children? Yeah, a son and daughter. Name all the members (first, middle and last names) from your favorite band. Ha, it's funny how once upon a time, I could do this. All I've got now is John Michael Osbourne. Have you ever heard a young child swear? Maybe? Have you ever seen someone get a piercing/tattoo?: Yes to both. Has a taste of something ever made you smile? Boy meet me at The Cheesecake Factory and see what my face does lmaooo As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? I wanted to be a paleontologist sooo badly. I wanted to discover new dinosaurs, put a shitload of work into unearthing fossils and being so proud to see the final results... Even now as an adult, if I could handle the heat, traveling, and hardcore school, I'd still love to do that. Would you cuss the person you hate the most out to their face? No. My hatred for her is unjustified and I'd rather just not say anything to her. Have you ever spent more than two weeks in a wheelchair? No. Where do you see your closest friend in ten years? As one of the strongest people around. I imagine her with a job in medical coding, while also pursuing the hobbies of ball python breeding and writing. I'm sure she'll have loads of pets to love, too! Do you like Florence + The Machine? I've never listened to them. Did you watch the presidential debates? No. Do you ever watch Dr. Phil? No. Are you typically unattracted to people outside of your race? No; I can be attracted to any race. Have you ever ridden any animal other than a horse? No. Do you brush your hair when it’s wet? Yes. Do you eat the crusts of your bread? Yeah, I always have. Have you ever flown a kite? Yeah! At my childhood home, there was a tobacco field directly across the street, and when they weren't in season so the field was flat, Dad would help us with getting kites set up and in the air. Those are good memories. How are you for money? I don't make any money. Mom is struggling. Do you think you are more intelligent than the average person? Ha, no. Do you ever think about why we are here? Does it matter? We're here, so make the most of it. Do you like cherries? I fucking hate cherries. Name a celebrity that you admire that nobody would expect you to: Jeffree Star, probs. Can you use a yoyo? Not well, but yeah. Do you think Jenna Marbles’ videos are funny? I've actually never watched her. Do you like folk music? NOOOOOOOOO Ever had a crush on somebody of the same sex? Yes. Do you know any lesbians? Yep. Favourite member of your favourite band: I'm unfamiliar with all but Ozzy himself. And Ozzy is rad. Who’s your favourite female rapper? I don't have one. When you were younger, were you ever in a relationship with someone you now realize was way too old for you? No. Have you ever had a seizure? No. I sometimes have very, very quick spasms when I'm falling asleep that feel like what I assume a seizure would, but they barely last a second. They seriously jerk me awake, though, and are very startling. What’s the oldest man-made object you own? I dunno. Is there anything you feel like you need a break from? Not really, no. What do you hate to hear people joke about? I will actually and remorselessly deck you in the jaw if you make a joke about rape. There are other things that are absolutely forbidden joking matters for me, too. What’s the largest animal you’ve seen in the wild? Hmmm... Nothing that big, really. Maybe a whitetail deer buck? Do any of your friends or family members have strange occupations? Not to my knowledge. Have you ever been in weather so severe that you feared for your safety? Oh yeah. We've had some savage thunderstorms. What political issues are the most important to you personally? LGBTQ+ rights and just equality in general, the pro-choice movement, environmental conservation, gun control, the abolishment of poverty and homelessness... There is honestly a lot. I could keep going. Do you know anyone who doesn’t know how to cook even just simple recipes? ... Me. :x Especially now that I'm in a relationship, I really want to make a greater effort to learn. I want to prove to him I give a damn about the success of our relationship and that I'm capable of being an adult that can take part in general adult responsibilities. ^What’s stopping them from learning this basic life skill? Laziness. Forgetfulness. The fear of getting burned. What small thing makes you automatically distrust someone? I can pick up on sketchy body language from a mile away. I'm too paranoid not to. Of all the states/provinces in your country, which one is your favorite? At least from photographs I've seen, Utah appears BEAUTIFUL. That whole region of the U.S. in general. Are there any obscure foods you’ve eaten that most people have never tried? That's very unlikely. I'm far from explorative with food. When you travel to other countries, do you always try the local cuisine? I've never been outside the U.S. I would probably do that, though. I'd really want to experience the culture as thoroughly as I could. What did you do for your 19th birthday? Hell if I remember. What’s the kindest thing a total stranger has done for you? I remember as a young kid, my parents, two sisters, and I were getting food at McDonald's, and whoever was in front of us paid for our meals. Such a sweet gesture for a larger family. Have you ever used a meal kit delivery service? No, but there actually is one that I can't recall the name of that I'd like to try when I cook myself, especially getting started learning, but yeah, subscription fees. You see a lot of YouTubers get sponsored by them, if that rings a bell. Do you have any psychological issues rooted in events from your childhood? Possibly my fear of men, with my dad having been an alcoholic that had a 50/50 chance of being very angry when drunk. How organized are the files on your computer? Pretty organized, I'd say. I put stuff into folders. Would you date someone with braces? Yes? Do you ever rehearse conversations before you have them? Only always. Do you get angry at yourself or at others more often? Myself, for sure. When taking a cab, do you talk to the driver? I've never even taken a cab. Who or what greets you at the door every time you come home? Nobody, really. My cat is occasionally in the living room to see who's home, but not always because he's a lazy cat, ha ha. Do you ever chat about your favourite video games with your friends? Not really, no. I wish. Have you ever supported anyone’s Kickstarter? If so, what was it? No, bc I'm poor. Are you currently studying a language? If so, which one? No. Ever had a friend online for a long time without seeing a photo of them? Yeah. Do you carry pepper spray? No, but I want some 'cuz I'm paranoid as hell. Are you waiting on anything right now? No. Have you ever been described as shy? Is it true? Oh, always. It's absolutely true. Name something you’re a complete sucker for? Baby animals, to name one thing. Do you remember when you first went on the internet? Nope. What is one way someone could completely put you off on a first date? Arrogance/over-confidence. What about a way someone could make you like them more on a first date? Make me genuinely laugh a lot, to name one way. Are you in love right now? Not yet. I love him with our decade of history, but I need more experience as a couple before I've got the confidence to say that. Do you wanna get married anytime soon? It wouldn't be smart to. I want to be in a strong relationship for quite a few years before I want that. Have you ever kissed someone in a band? No. Has someone ever made you a Build-A-Bear? No but oh my fucking god I wish!!!!!! Did your mom or dad ever put soap in your mouth? No, but Mom would threaten to. What was the last fruit you ate? Well, I had strawberry yogurt earlier today. Who was the last person to make you laugh? Girt. He is very, very good at that. Have you ever dated someone with more piercings than you? No. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Hell yeah man. Is there one night of your life you wish had never happened? I wish it hadn't happened the way it did. Do you have a close relationship with your sibling(s)? No. What was the last thing that you shared? Some watermelon Sour Patch Kids with my mom. Do you think people talk behind your back? You couldn't get me to believe my mom doesn't at least sometimes to my sisters even if you tried your absolute damnedest. In real life do you laugh like ‘haha,’ 'hehe’ or something else? It depends on what I'm laughing at/at what intensity. Do you have any unusual skills? Nah. Who’s your favourite person? I don't have a sole favorite person. I love many people in different ways for varying reasons. Are there any chores you actually enjoy doing? No. When did you last have an "Oh, I get it now!" moment? Watching Attack on Titan yesterday w/ Girt. Have your parents ever suspected something untrue about you? My mom HAD to have suspected I was doing something FAR worse than innocent meerkat RP to have borderline fucking traumatized me invading my privacy and forcing shit out of me regarding what I was always doing on the computer so secretively. Like I get it, she was a concerned mother, but I was a fucking WRECK because I found it so embarrassing. It was insulting that she didn't trust her well-behaved daughter. What do you think about video games? They're great for both the creators and consumers. They're wonderful expressions of creativity, and so much fun to experience as a player, delving into a new world and getting engrossed in the story. I could go onnnn and onnnnn about what video games mean to me. I've gone my whole life as a loyal gamer. Are there any forms of Art you personally find pointless? I really, really don't get a lot of abstract art that's worth fucking thousands, BUT, I absolutely disagree that they are without purpose. The artist created what they did for SOME reason. As a distraction, a method of expressing emotion, to convey an idea... Are you tired right now? I have been SO ridiculously tired today. Like it's unreal. I've taken I wanna say three naps and I'm still sleepy. What’s something you do a lot? Drink something. I'm not talking about alcohol; just in general, I ALWAYS need some kind of drink by me, and I go through drinks pretty quickly. Are you currently on any other websites? Yeah, I'm watching YouTube. Are you good at using Photoshop? I'm decent, I guess. Have you ever been told you naturally tilt your head a certain way? Yes, actually, at least by my mom, and she's right. My head tends to tilt VERY slightly to the right, and I can tell by how easy it is to bend my head that way as opposed to left. I'll feel a biiiit more strain.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''run rabbit run'' by rob zombie

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veritylane7 · 3 years

Text

+mydecember+ Twilight ver. 13

( 10:50 PM ) Math-class doodle of Rukura (Raphael), airbrushed. Came out nicely. ^.^ ( 10:07 PM ) John's suggestion for a feel-good song that Mr. Rozario (school principal) should play over the PA system in the morning? Children of the Damned by Iron Maiden.... how I agree! ^____^

We're sick, sick people. Can you tell we're related??

song of the moment: "Genocide" by the Offspring. I really gotta get some of the Offspring cds... I want Smash, Americana, and Conspiracy of One.... *sulks*

( 9:57 PM ) Ribby-chan... s'all being taken care of. Mike and Matt be lookin' after me closely, and if Dan does anything else, he's in for some serious trouble. *heh* Mike or Matt my soulmate? Dooood, Mike's a pal, and Matt's like my older brother (he's actually my most recent ex-boyfriend in a way). Thanks for the concern, tho! And don't worry... I beat Dan up nice. If I have my way, he'll be singing soprano come next week.

*heehee* I think I've FOUND my soulmate, anyhoo. *pointed look at someone who's screen name rhymes with punkin' pie* *heartheart* ^__^

( 9:49 PM ) *runs around screaming fangirlishly* YUMMY! YUMMY! I GOT A CUTE, SCAAAAAAARY DOOD FOR THIS TEST!!!

Ideal anime guy test...

# 1 Zagato from Magic Knight Rayearth # 2 Ashitare from Fushigi Yuugi # 3 Chichiri from Fushigi Yuugi # 4 Hotohori from Fushigi Yuugi # 5 Kiryuu Touga from Shoujo Kakumei Utena # 6 Taikoubou from Senkaiden Houshin Engi # 7 Hayama Akito from Kodomo no Omocha # 8 Kyoichi Saionji from Shoujo Kakumei Utena # 9 Morisato Keichi from Ah! My Goddess # 10 Nakago from Fushigi Yuugi # 11 Ohtori Akio from Shoujo Kakumei Utena # 12 Ryohji Kaji from Neon Genesis Evangelion # 13 Eagle Vision from Magic Knight Rayearth # 14 Gabriev Gourry from The Slayers # 15 Ikari Gendo from Neon Genesis Evangelion # 16 Nagoya Chiaki from Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne # 17 Chiriko from Fushigi Yuugi # 18 Li Shaolan from Cardcaptor Sakura # 19 Tsukishiro Yukito / Yue from Cardcaptor Sakura # 20 Eriol Hiigarizawa / Clow from Cardcaptor Sakura # 21 Ikari Shinji from Neon Genesis Evangelion # 22 Kinomoto Touya from Cardcaptor Sakura # 23 Shiirou Kamui from X (X/1999) # 24 Tamahome from Fushigi Yuugi # 25 Monou Fuuma from X (X/1999)

( 9:46 PM ) Ideal anime girl test... how'd they know that I adore Skuld, Ami-chan, and Misato? o.O

# 1 Skuld (Oh my Goddess) # 2 Amy (Sailormoon) # 3 Misato (Eva) # 4 Belldandy (Oh my Goddess) # 5 Kari (Digimon) # 6 Rei (Eva) # 7 Lita (Sailormoon) # 8 Mina (Sailormoon) # 9 Fuu (MK Rayearth) # 10 Serena (Sailormoon) # 11 Hikaru (MK Rayearth) # 12 Sora (Digimon) # 13 Bulma (Dragon Ball) # 14 Mimi (Digimon) # 15 Misty (Pokemon) # 16 Rei (Sailormoon) # 17 Umi (MK Rayearth) # 18 Videl (Dragon Ball) # 19 Asuka (Eva) # 20 Urd (Oh my Goddess)

( 9:44 PM ) Slayers kyara test... now THESE results are good.

# 1 Gaav the Demon Dragon King # 2 Beastmaster Zelas # 3 Luna Inverse # 4 Valgaav (Vally-girl! ^_^) # 5 Xelloss Metallium # 6 Zelgadiss Greywords # 7 Gourry Gabriev # 8 Lina Inverse # 9 Rezo the Red Priest # 10 Filia Ul Copt # 11 Martina Whatever-Her-Last-Name-Is # 12 Amelia Wil Tesra Seyruun # 13 Naga (Wil Tesra Seyruun? I think so) # 14 Kopii Rezo # 15 Prince Phil

( 9:41 PM ) Sailor Moon test results... scary. O_O

# 1 Nehelenia # 2 Setsuna/Sailor Pluto # 3 Artemis # 4 Galaxia # 5 Haruka/Sailor Uranus # 6 Taiki/Sailor Star Maker # 7 Hotaru/Sailor Saturn # 8 Michiru/Sailor Neptune # 9 Minako/Sailor Venus # 10 Rei/Sailor Mars # 11 Yaten/Sailor Star Healer # 12 Luna # 13 Makoto/Sailor Jupiter # 14 Princess Kakyuu # 15 Ami/Sailor Mercury # 16 Chibiusa/Sailor Chibi Moon # 17 Seiya/Sailor Star Fighter # 18 Mamoru/Tuxedo Kamen # 19 Usagi/Sailor Moon # 20 Chibi-Chibi/Sailor Chibi Chibi Moon

( 9:39 PM ) Pokemon test...

# 1 Satoshi/Ash # 2 Shigeru/Gary # 3 Nyarth/Meowth # 4 Kasumi/Misty # 5 Pikachu # 6 Takeshi/Brock # 7 Kojiro/James # 8 Musashi/Jessie

I'm Ash and Gary... isn't that damn close to weird?

( 9:37 PM ) *laughing again* CHECK IT OUT!!

CCS Kyara test results:

# 1 Kero-chan # 2 Syaoran Li # 3 Touya Kinomoto # 4 Tomoyo Daidouji # 5 Eriol Hiiragizawa # 6 Sakura Kinomoto # 7 Yukito Tsukishiro

I'm Kero-chan!

( 9:35 PM ) EEEEEEH!!! O_O; For the X/1999 test... I'm Satsuki! O_o

# 1 Yatouji Satsuki - dragon of earth # 2 Kuzuki Kakyou - dragon of earth # 3 Sumeragi Subaru - dragon of heaven # 4 Monou Fuuma - dragon of earth # 5 Nataku - dragon of earth # 6 Shirou Kamui - dragon of heaven # 7 Kishuu Arashi - dragon of heaven # 8 Shiyuu Kusanagi - dragon of earth # 9 Kigai Yuuto - dragon of earth # 10 Sakurazuka Seishirou - dragon of earth # 11 Aoki Seiichirou - dragon of heaven # 12 Arisugawa Sorata - dragon of heaven # 13 Kasumi Karen - dragon of heaven # 14 Nekoi Yuzuriha - dragon of heaven

( 9:32 PM ) *laughing like a total idiot* CHECK THIS OUT! HOW FUNNY!!! I find that the results for my taking the Eva kyara personality test are very well done!

# 1 Asuka Langley Sohryu # 2 Gendou Ikari # 3 Ryouji Kaji # 4 Misato Katsuragi # 5 Touji Suzuhara # 6 Kaworu Nagisa # 7 Kouzou Fuyutsuki # 8 Ritsuko Akagi # 9 Aoba Shigeru # 10 Makoto Hyuuga # 11 Shinji Ikari # 12 Maya Ibuki # 13 Hikari Horaki # 14 Rei Ayanami # 15 Pen-Pen

( 5:56 PM ) Speller!!! You owe me Mickey ears, and I want Lance's underwear!! AND FEEL MY WRATH!! *wraths Speller* MWAHAHAHAHA! JOYCE IS DEAD! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! ( 7:36 AM ) Morning Blog!

Nah-nah-nah! Riot Ink business caaaards! *heehee*

I'm okay, really.

I am headachey!!! As Amy would say... my head is doing the achey brakey dance of PAIN. So, I imagine I will get nothing done in class. Ms. Fotinos is gonna kill me for skipping anyway... *sighs*

Querida! I shall continue my efforts to make dad buckle!!

Meagen-san.... really, I know what you mean. Technically, I can draw, but I kinda lack depth in my art (from what I can see). There are very few pictures that turn out with the emotion or realism I want them to come out with..... and funny enough, that kyara that I tend to make look how I want is good ol' Lucas.

Lucas: What can I say? I'm perfect. *mutters* Yeah, right...

And yes, you're getting fanart. Now if only I can manage to scan it....

Meg's Art Corner! Raphael-chan, or as I refer to him in RPs, Lian's Rukura. This is a fine example of what I draw in math class on scrap paper. And querida? It's not THAT good. ^##^;;;;

That's all from me!

Over an' out!

( 10:48 PM ) Of course my idea is good, querida! I'm so smart after all! *tosses away IQ test scores that say only 142* Lucas with blue hair.... streaked with green!!!!!! Yeeaaah, baby! ( 3:23 PM ) Warning, incoming rant!

STUPID! GODDAMN FLIPPIN' STUPID!! What a GOOD way to get yourself killed! Doing f*cking drugs! STUPID STUPID!!! Goddamn it! I mean, pot, okay that's bad. Bad and STUPID. But 'shrooms?!! HOT DAMN IS THAT STUPID!! And not only that, getting yourself into a situation where you get thrown out of your mom's house?! F*cking stupid! *fumes*

(note: never mind, needed to vent.... friend issues)

( 2:00 PM ) At home and skipping civics class.... *whistles and rocks back on her heels* 9.9

You know what's scary? It's scary when a dood whom you eat lunch with even jokes about wanting to rape you. That's scary. Even scarier is when he pins you against the wall and you have to fight him off, and when he comes back, your best (guy) friends beat the living sh*t out of him. Not quite sure what to make of this.... big super duper hugs and thank yous to Mike and Matt, my new bodyguards. Dan, touch me again, and they'll kill you for sure. I'll see to it. *sweet smile*

( 7:32 AM ) Morning blog!

Querida: Yep, the Mark plot is similar to our dj idea... except a bit more profound. *heh* And seriously, tho, a good plot would be something to the effect of Mark goes baaaad-niichan and tries to end the world, and you gots to stop him. There's a plot. Hooray for plots! Cam's efforts on trying to get Mark to put some sort of value on his own body should start working someday. I mean, HOW many times has Cam explained it? Not to mention, Mark has a nice idea of how Cam thinks now that he's been inside his mind. Mark-niichan's a slut.... but I love him anyway!

Cam: *pounds the living daylights out of Meg for calling Mark such a thing*

*heeheehee* Animal comparisons! *heehee* I gotta try that! Rukura = gecko Poya = otter Yuken = viper Lucifer = duck Michael = horse Zachariah = pot-bellied pig (personality wise) Gabriel = peacock Kanson = crocodile (someone patch in a call to australia, let's get the Crocodile Hunter in here, please... *crosses fingers*)

Meagen-san: I'm working on a fanart for you of SailorM. I shall prolly CG it tonight or tomorrow, okie?

School blows! I don't wanna go to school! WAH!

over and out.

( 6:35 PM ) For fun, and just to annoy him... Rukura's stats!

Name: Raphael Harrison Nickname: Rukura Age: 17 Date of Birth: February 28th Hair: purple Eyes: green Height: 6'4 Occupation: student Descent: Angel Family: human family includes Jacob [father, deceased] and Mary-Anne [mother, deceased]. Original family includes Kanson [father], Europa [mother, deceased], and Uriel {Yuken} [half-brother] Friends: Lucifer, Pandora {Poya}, Michael, Zachariah Current Residence: Atlanta, Georgia Likes: music, reading, daydreaming, being anti-social Dislikes: homework, unwanted attention, medication, and fighting Skills: singing, getting weirdly good grades Setbacks: has a rather serious heart condition, which despite medication and various attempts, is damn near impossible to treat, suicidal, and generally miserable Notes: reincarnation of the Messiah. Human mother died in childbirth, human father committed suicide a few months later. Is considered a "problem child", as he usually gets into fights at school. Been shifted around to foster homes all his life, never staying in one particular home longer than 1 1/2 years. Most recent foster family died in a car crash, leaving him the only living "relative" to claim his foster father's fortune. Lives alone.

( 6:24 PM ) Chris-kun: Dood, a meant the person playing as being Mark... ^__^;;

Meg-chan's on net restrictions, lalalalala... she's gonna get in trouble if she gets caught on the internet, lalalalala... she's rewriting stats for LotM, lalalalala.... she's TOO attached to Raphael-chan, lalala--

Rukura: *belts Meg in the head* Don't call me that! Meg: It's your legal name, isn't it? I like it better 'an Rukura...

Dan wants me to hit him. In the eeeeeew kinda way. Do I really come across as that much of a dom? @_@

( 7:16 AM ) Morning blog!

This is bound to be a short enrty, as mom is home. Sooo...

I had a really funky dream last night, but I don't remember it. All I remember is waking up a lot, upset, and trying to recall where I was. Bennett was curled up to me most of the night (good spiritie dood ^_^), but I don't think it helped much.... ah, well, it's the thought that counts.

Yesterday, I blew $44 on prismacolor pens. I got the box set of cool greys, plus a replacement 60% warm grey as mine is running out. That's me broke for another month now.

BMB is cuuuuuute today. *giggles* I want my verra' own Mik! I *heartheart* Mik! Rach, you better get me a Mik for my birthday! Or else!

I can't draw worth beans lately. *cries*

to Chris-kun: Thanks for the comment on the layout... and maybe now I'll bug querida to do an AH game (I honestly didn't think about that @_@).

*ponders* Yeah, you could go arouns as Mark in the game, and you could sleep with every second person you run into---

Cam: SHUT UP! *thwacks Meg* Meg: Hey, it's not my fault that your hubby is a total sl--- Cam: *throws a table at Meg* Meg: Itaaaai. X_X

Otaaay, enough out of me. Over and out.

( 11:44 PM ) Hal is GOD... lalalala! Hal is thy holy master! ( 11:27 PM ) Purple is a nice colour! It's the colour of hentai. ^__^; ( 12:30 AM ) BEHOLD THE NEW LAYOUT!!!

....very purple, isn't it?

( 3:58 PM ) This close >< to shooting myself... ( 3:56 PM ) I WILL get this to work.... I swear I will. ( 3:53 PM ) HTML is annoying. Background image, where are you? ( 3:50 PM ) Let's hope for the background image now.... *crosses fingers* ( 3:45 PM ) Playing with the layout... ( 3:25 PM ) This is the temp layout, as I'm altering this puppy to look how I want it to. New version should be up tonight. ( 2:43 PM ) Chris-kun: the Boa cd has two names. One is the japanese release, the other is for the international market. It's either called Race of the Thousand Camels or Twilight (like this here blog!). And the Limp Bizkit cd is called Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavoured Water. And Hannibal is a lot different than the Silence of the Lambs, isn't it? I liked it, but I stand by the fact that Jodie Foster made a much better Clarice Starling than Julianne Moore could ever hope to be.

Anyway.

My Bennett still isn't home... Dora, is he still with you? If not, you'd think he'd be home by now... *sighs*

Okay, time for me to book it outta' here for a bit afore dad calls and has a fit 'cause the line is busy.

( 8:05 PM ) Interlude...

Meg: Cain and Yuken! KAWAII!!!! Yuken: *giggles and twitches his neko-mimi, looking all innocent* Rukura: ICK! Who the HELL would touch HIM!? *points at Yuken* Meg: Well, you 'touched' him once... Rukura: NOT BY CHOICE, GODDAMMIT!! .... *sneezes* Yuken: *eyes Rukura venomously* Rukura: I'll be running off to Lian now... *heads for the hills as fast as his (verra' long) legs can carry him*

( 8:00 PM ) Querida, thank goodness it's not bronchitis. That's something I get a LOT, and it's not fun at all. And ten pounds? ALRIGHT! You GO, girlfriend!! *tackleglomps* You'll be okay.... I know so! ^.^

I got the "Play" cd (Moby), which came with the edit of South Side for free. Bonus, baby! ^_____^

( 7:24 AM ) Morning blog!

Well, I feel mighty stupid this morning. Yesterday, I kinda pulled a muscle in my left leg (riiight in my calf), but it stopped hurting. Woke up from a funky dream and got up to find it hurt. Now, being the idiot I am and not usually restricted by physical pain (hey, that's what ended up breaking my ankle), I went for a shower. Feeling headachey and cramped, I worked my way down the stairs, only to pull the same muscle again and fall about halfway down and land on the cat at the bottom. ^___^;;; <---- feels very dumb

*falls over* Meagen-san, you had me scared a minute there! If you had MEANT Mark, I would have had to call in paramedics and stuff to make sure you weren't doped up on anything!!!! @_@

List of kyara and colours this blog is gonna be themed on in order of layout updates: Cam/purple (this weekend, hopefully) Lucas/red (whenever) Mark/blue (whenever) Sybandial/pink (whenever) Jesse/green (whenever)

Each layout will have a background featuring the kyara, too! ^_^

I really need a life. Over and out!

( 9:51 PM ) Song lyrics... one of Cam's most recent themes! "Learn to Fly" by the Foo Fighters

Run and tell all of the angels This could take all night Think I need a devil to help me get things right

Hook me up a new revolution Cuz this one is a lie We sat around laughing And watched the last one die

I'm looking to the sky to save me Looking for a sign of life Looking for something to help me burn out bright I'm looking for a complication Looking cuz I'm tired of lying Make my way back home when I learn to fly

I'm done nursing the patience I can wait one night I'd give it all away if you'd give me one last try We'll live happily ever trapped if you'd just save my life Run and tell the angels that everything's all right

I'm looking to the sky to save me Looking for a sign of life Looking for something to help me burn out bright I'm looking for a complication Looking cuz I'm tired of trying Make my way back home when I learn to fly Make my way back home when I learn to

Fly along with me, I can't quite make it alone Try to make this life my own Fly along with me, I can't quite make it alone Try to make this life my own

Looking to the sky to save me Looking for a sign of life Looking for something to help me burn out bright I'm looking for a complication Looking cuz I'm tired of trying Make my way back home when I learn to fly Make my way back home when I learn to fly Make my way back home when I learn to...

( 7:06 PM ) Tay, I've decided the theme for my next layout... good ol' Bennett and the colour purple. How... fitting. ^__^

Now if only I can get this stupid HTML editor thing to work... *binks it*

( 11:05 AM ) Morning blog (late again)!

WHOO HOO! I GOT INTO THE ADVANCED VISUAL ART STUDIO CLASS!!! BIG HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ON MR. HALL!!!!

Yeaaah, I just went to first period class this morning and got my classes for next year reviewed. Then I came home because the muscles in my abdomen are spasming and it hurts like bugger all.

To all my blogging friends; I'm gonna change the layout of this blog in the next week (I have a LOT of links to add). I'm gonna theme it around an AH kyara, so lemme know who you think would be best, please. Just post your opinion in your blog, as I read most of them daily anyway. ^__^;

( 8:23 PM ) Yeah, I've neglected my duties as a blog-person lately... I have a life, you know. (Hey, the LEAST you can do is smile and nod! T_T)

Not much is happening, really. My civics class keeps getting cancelled, so I think I'll skip it tomorrow and come home early. What else to say...? Ummm, not much.

Song of the moment: "The Kids Aren't Alright" by the Offspring. I'm on a REAL Offspring kick right now... dunno why exactly. Maybe 'cause they just amuse me. ^_^;

Grammy awards. Bleeeek. *makes a face*

Amy, kids who don't like cheese are stupid! HA HA!

( 3:33 PM ) ...afternoon.... blog!

This morning I spent the whole time trying to get my scanner to work, so thus, no morning blog. But I've got some stuff say for a change!

Today, lunch period was spent bothering Dan for the most part. He really ticked me off yesterday, and I'm extracting my revenge. So, I was making him jealous by glomping Matt at every opportunity (Matt doesn't mind too much, and he's nice to hug 'cause he's always warm.... and no, Mike, he's not my boyfriend! JUST A FRIEND!! T_T). It was rather comical. Civics class was cancelled, since Ms. Fotinos was at the Raptor's game with the people who signed up to go... the half of my class that was at school for the last three periods of the day got transferred to a Grade 12 geography class, in which was SO awkward that the teacher took pity on us and sent us all home. Redoing Angel Hunter again. This time, on the right sized paper... I'm sticking with the page layouts, tho, as I think I've got the look I want.

And, for fun! Rukura's theme song lyrics!

Home by Depeche Mode

Here is a song from the wrong side of town Where I'm bound to the ground by the loneliest sound That pounds from within and is pinning me down

Here is a page from the emptiest stage A cage or the heaviest cross ever made A guage of the deadliest trap ever laid

And I thank you for bringing me here For showing me home, for singing these tears Finally I've found that I belong here

The heat and the sickliest sweet smelling sheets That cling to the backs of my knees and my feet I'm drowning in time to a desperate beat

And I thank you for bringing me here For showing me home, for singing these tears Finally I've found that I belong...

Feels like home I should have known From my first breath

God sent the only true friend I call mine Pretend that I'll make amends the next time Befriend the glorious end of the line

And I thank you for bringing me here For showing me home, for singing these tears Finally I've found that I belong here.

( 7:11 AM ) Morning Blog!

This song is tripping me out right now, but goddamn, do I love it! *grooves to "Home" by Depeche Mode* It's a really dramatic song... and it's sooooo making me think of Rukura. >_<;

It's very cold this morning. At least I think so, anyway, so I'm sitting here wearing the couch blanket as a cape. I feel like a doooork.

Meg's Art Corner (Freckle-chan, you copycat! T_T)

A special little picture; Lucas in his newest style of dress. Drool factor, out of 10? 12.

What else to say... ummm... Mom didn't leave me lunch money again. T_T;

Over and out!

( 2:12 PM ) Cam: EVERYONE RUN WHILE YOU CAN!!!! THE END IS NEAR!!!!!

....yep, for the first time in YEARS, I'm the proud owner of twp pairs of blue jeans. I've not worn blue jeans since I was about 5... and these ones fit niiiiice. I have hips and a waist.... @__@

Anyway, mom and I went to Sears and then to Curry's Art Supplies. I got my two pairs of jeans, two men's dress shirts (one white, one black), a new sketchbook, 4 new warm grey prismacolors, and a new 05 pigment pen. I am a happy Meg-chan!

Blue jeans that fit... *in shock*

( 9:09 PM ) I have officially started rewriting the Chronicles of Benjamin Carter! WHIHAI! Here's a bit of what I've written so far.

Frail. Benjamin was frail. He was about 5'4, fifteen years of age, and pale. He was small and slight in build; a boy and not yet a man. Right now, he looked more fragile than he really was... curled up under the blankets of his rather small bed, bruised and crying. It was a familiar scene.

Benjamin wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand in a vain attempt to push the tears away. However, it was pointless since more just spilled down his cheeks as if to spite him and his efforts to stop them. He hated crying. Hated it. But at times like this --- only at times like this--- he couldn't help himself. He was so tired of being forced into the clutches of rich men; predators that liked their pleasure taken out on the young boys who could be bought if the price was right. He was sick of the violation and the abuse. Most of all, he was sick of his father pushing him into it. His own father. He hiccupped in his efforts to restrain his tears.

Benjamin wanted more than anything to run away. Run away to another city, another country, anywhere but where he was. Just out of the clutches of the people who hurt him so much. But he was trapped like the birds his father kept in the iron cages that lined the back yard. He was a prisoner, shackled to the bars of his perpetual cage. Derkshaw would catch him if he ran. Derkshaw always caught him.

"Damn him to hell," Benjamin thought bitterly, though he regretted thinking it for reasons he couldn't quite explain.

There was a tap of boots in the hallway, and Benjamin closed his eyes, breathed deeply, and pretended to be asleep. The heavy, even steps stopped outside his door. The door squeaked as it opened slightly.

Benjamin tried to keep his breathing slow and deep, tried not to flinch. He felt Derkshaw's gaze on him. It burned.

'Go away, papa, go away....'

The door opened a bit more, and the tap of boots carried into the room.

It would be a good half hour before Derkshaw left, the blood on his hands and shirt not his own.

( 2:28 PM ) Man, am I grateful for mom. She just brought me the most wonderful little care packet of a bottle of ibuprofen and a Terry's Dark Chocolate Orange bar. *sniffles happily* Thank you, mommie!

Amy, Amy, Amy.... you have no idea how much stress is gone already. *heavy sigh* I can't thank you enough.

Spellleeeeeeerrrr, next weekend is go for coming over to my house to watch movies! You like freaky movies, I'll make you watch freaky ANIME movies! On the roster so far: Perfect Blue and X. Maybe I'll make a trip to Roger's Video and snag Devil Man or something. But I will get you hooked. I will. Your time will come (*sings* thy will be done!).

*laughing at BMB* Yeah, Mik, you dirty minded cutie! You think those nasty thoughts about Harley! *laughing*

Oiiii, Freckle-chan... you posted a nice list of couples you like. I think for fun, I'll do the same!

Cardcaptor Sakura Touya and Yukito - kawaii! KAWAII!!!! Sakura and Tomoyo - so sue me!

Oh My Goddess! Trobadour and Urd - they were cool! Too bad he's such a dork. Keiichi and Belldandy - well, DUH!

Magic Knight Rayearth Ascot and Umi - I'm a sucker for Ascot. What a little cutie! Clef and Presea - ditto that, 'cause Clef is so cute and so short!

Dragon Half Mink and Lufa - not likely, I know, but still.

Bakuretsu Hunter Tira and Carrot - feh on Chocolate. She's not half as cool as Tira. Marron and Gateau - I don' like Gateau too much, but Marron is so hot. *_*

Ranma 1/2 Ranma and Shampoo - not likely, either, but I think Mousse is too wussy for her. I've always been a Ranma/Shampoo 'shipper.

Shamanic Princess Kagetsu and Tiara - it's a sad relationship... Sarah and Tiara - um, don't ask.

Slayers Lina and Gourry - he's so funny around her... ^__^

Sailor Moon Usagi and anyone but Mamoru! T_T; Chibi Usagi and Pelulu [Perelu, Perele] - *heehee* Cute fae-ish boy with white hair!

Neon Genesis Evangelion Shinji and Asuka - I think she really does like him. She just doesn't know how to show it. Misato and Koji - funny funny! She's a player, tho.

RPing kyara [involving mine] Cam and Mark - for obvious reasons. Rukura, Lian, and Gabby - yes, a yaoi threesome. They're all so cute. Sola [Soren] and Sybandial - so innocent and sweet. ^_^ Jyrian and Quoik - I don't talk about these two much, but their relationship is really cute. Jesse and Rach - how can I not like this? He's cute, she's cute (haha, Rach!) Lucas and Lila - I liked this possibility... too bad she's dead and we won't find out what woulda' happened. Lucas and Carter - this is a slightly more demented relationship. Cadence and Lexiel - a more intellectual relationship... even if Lexiel is kinda big on sex for sick reasons. ^_^; Cadence3 and Cam - I'm a sick, sick girl. Lucifer and Setsuko - if we get Setsuko back, then we can resume this. They're cute too. ^_^

Other Stories Kiih and Ro (from Dora's "Three O'Clock") - I don't really know why... these two just kinda hit it off in my mind. Len and Yuri (see above) - ditto the above again.

Book Series Ron and Hermione - need I explain? Sirius and Remus - again, need I explain? Lestat and Louis (Anne Rice's VC books) - strange but yummy relationship Lestat and David - intellectual and alluring. Marius and Amadeo - Stokholm syndrome. Cal and Meg (A Wrinkle in Time) - KAWAII!

That's that done. ^__^;

( 10:41 PM ) Sap warning ahead!

I have the best best friends in the whole world! My best friends are Speller and Amy!

Speller, who I know I don't mention on here too much (I'm sorry! ;_;), is the smartest person I know. She's also one of the most talented writers, too. How many people can write a whole novel before/during high school? Aside from Amelia Atwater-Rhodes, not many. And her poetry kicks ass! She has a lot of it published. She can also draw better realistic stuff than I can, which makes me mondo jealous. It's not fair, I tell you! And she must learn to watch out for Hannibal. Beware him. Speller likes pudding. And pears. Damn those pears.

Amy and I have been friends since 7th grade, when she was the "new kid". We actually first met in drama class. She ran over a possum on her way to work. Yeeeah! She, too, is an amazing writer. It's not FAIR! She came runner up in the story writing contest a while back. I was proud. And I SCREEEEEEAMED the loudest when she won the Todd Bayless award. I live to embarrass.... ^_~

I am grateful to have such good friends. I love them. This concludes the sap. ^___^;

( 9:04 PM ) Querida, you're cooler than Simon and Milo! (Personally, Milo's a tad too butch for my liking, but Simon is a cute little brit guy with the sweetest little sentiments!) ....anyway.... yes, you have a neck. I hope. ^_~

And to complete the phrase you know you have problems when...you obsess over a cartoon with no neck, no nose, and huge eyes!

( 7:29 AM ) Morning blog!

I watched Perfect Blue last night. It downright scared me! Seeing Hannibal didn't scare me, seeing the Rage; Carrie 2 didn't scare me.... but Perfect Blue DID. The "real Mima" (the one who's forever in the Cham costume) is SCARY!!! And the Mimaniac is pretty scary too. o_O Iffen you haven't seen this movie, get it. Especially if you like stuff like Neon Genesis Evangelion, X, or Serial Experiments Lain. I warn you, there's nudity, a rape scene, and a lot of gore. This movie freaked me out more than Eva did.

In other news... going to the art store tomorrow!!! And, I'm also skipping 5th period today. Maybe even 3rd, 'cause I'm stuck doing NOTHING all class anyway. -_-;

Hopefully they have the 10x15 paper I want... 'cause, you know, that being the traditional dimensions for comic drawing. Y'all knew that, right? *gives you a loooooook*

And I best be off to get ready... JA!

( 7:02 PM ) Blogger hates me.

OH! OH! EVERYONE GO READ TODAY'S BMB!!! CY AND SKIDS FOREVERRRRR!!!!

I'm having a hell of a lucky streak this week. Today, in the mail, I got an AUTOGRAPHED Simon and Milo picture, FRAMED!!! *swoons*

And I got Perfect Blue!!!!

( 5:14 PM ) Gonna go see Hannibal with Mike and Chris in about half an hour! ^__^ ( 7:21 AM ) Morning Blog!

Last night, began a really angsty RP with Cam and Mark (well, it was angsty on Cam's end). Now, I only just realized that I think up really weird stuff that follow pretty much all the major time/space/reality laws. And all on a whim and at random. It's strange. You know you study this stuff too much when.... Yep, it's not every day when I come up with plots like that puppy. Using the imprints left in the reality weave to reconstruct a Mark.... that's some strange stuff (but it actually makes sense, which is what throws me). Huh.

I feel guilty... I got mad at Amy last night. She was being a little more depressing than usual, and I just couldn't stand it. I'm sick and stressed and I don't need to boost her ego all the time.

I've had this urge for the past couple of days to draw Cam shaking Lucas by the shoulders and looking very upset while Lucas looks blank. I don't really know why.... the caption for it has been running through my head, as it is this: "What am I to you?!" Trippiness.

Well, being the idiot I am, I didn't do my civics homework. My group is gonna love me for that.... then again, they're sticking me with the job of reading the presentation on Spain because I'm the only one that knows how to speak some Spanish. *sweatdrops*

I'm having urges to draw the weirdest things.... I hate it when Cam angsts at me from his little spot in my mind.

Meg's Art Corner A really weird little picture of c3 and a Chibi Cam. C3 is drawn more in my gothic anime style than my normal one. Turned out quite well! ^_^

Over and out!

( 7:16 PM ) Neeee, imouto! If you're not gonna be doing Yunga Neko for a while, you should get a guest artist to do, like, weekly panels just until you can work on it again. *volunteers* ( 7:14 AM ) Morning blog time again, kids!

I'm feeling okay this morning, so school for me. *sigh* School is so boring. Lunch is okay, mind you, because I have (as Speller said) "so many male bitches that work" for me. ^__^

I've been doing a lot of drawing since I got those pens. It's scary... can't wait to get more! ^__^ I also gotta get me some 10 X 15 paper, 'cause that's the standard comic size. I don't feel up to fighting with printers because the size ratio on 8.5 X 11 is uneven. Screw it. I'll just redo it all on standards.

I'm having the straaangest breakfast. Pork chops. Don't ask me, it was the only thing I could find...

Song of the moment: "Cruel Angel's Thesis (Harmonia Remix)" from Evangelion. *slobbers* I forgot what a COOL remix this is!!!

Meg's Art Corner Ben Carter, looking cute and vaguely distant! (Hey, he's a Blink fan, too!) Mark makes a scarilly cute girl. o_O Appearently, so does Lucas. Onna-Cam makes me think of Rally from Gunsmith Cats for some reason.... How cliché.

Over and out!

( 5:30 PM ) Nah nah naaaah! Meg has Sympatico access!!

Anyway, Meg also got herself some niiiiice grey prismacolor pens yesterday! Meg drew some pretty pretty pictures with them, too! Meg is happy, so she is!

Meg's Art Corner With her new prismacolors in hand, Meg is proud to present her latest creations! Angelique, the evil evil bitchy whore of a Demon from AH. She's pretty, tho. ^_^; "Legacy of the Messiah" cast shot; Rukura, Lucifer, and Pandora as kids! Carter and Lucas, a strange relationship these doods have. Carter looks somewhat like Cam, doesn't he? Quoik, Meg's only fae kyara!!

( 2:25 PM ) Tiredtiredtiredtired....

At the Office Place, they have a set of 24 prismacolor markers for about 40 bucks. I WANT THEM, but mom says "no, I don't have that kind of money right now". So, what we're gonna do, is I'm gonna drag her to Curry's Art Supplies store in a few hours and see how much THEY'RE selling them for.... maybe she'll buckle and take me back to the Office Place. ^_~

I need grey markers...

...oh, note to all who talk to me at night online. I won't be on until really late 'cause the network will be down. Unless mom hooks us up with Sympatico tonight, I'll be on around 2am. *sniffles* I'm gonna be without my querida fix! *snifflesniffle*

( 8:34 PM ) Lack of bloggingness today, as you all may have noticed. Dunno why, I was home again....

song of the moment: "Under the Bridge" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I *heart* Flea.... what an AMAZING bass player. Too bad this song doesn't showcase him much. If you want good bass by the dood tho, "Californication" is an order.

*cheers* The restrictions to see Hannibal have been changed from R to AA! In other words, I can get in to see it! Heeey, Dan, Amy, Speller, anyone? Wanna come with? I warn y'all, tho, it's been said that this movie is grotesquely violent.

Tomorrow is gonna be a very busy day. I'm going into town with my mom and brother for most of the day, then it's home for a few hours (like, two), and to the mall where I shall meet with Quinn-chan and Chris to go for our ritual Riot Ink business meeting. Then I shall return from the depths of Quinn's anime/transformers shrine of a home and return to my humble lair around midnight. Then I'll prolly talk to my baaaaybeeeeee (aka: querida) for the remainder of the dark hours of the evening.

Oh! Celeb Jeopardy! Two of my faaaaavourite doods were on there! Seth Green from various shows such as Buffy, and Steven from the Barenaked Ladies! DOOD! And Seth has his hair buzzed in sooooo damn short that he looks bald. 0_o

Kick ass! 3 Doors Down are playing at the Warehouse on March 11, and tickets are only $27... man, I wanna GOOOOO!!!

( 12:37 PM ) For Whom the Bell Tolls by Metallica Make his fight on the hill in the early day Constant chill deep inside Shouting gun, on they run through the endless grey On the fight, for they are right, yes, by who's to say? For a hill men would kill, why? They do not know Suffered wounds test there their pride Men of five, still alive through the raging glow Gone insane from the pain that they surely know

For whom the bell tolls Time marches on For whom the bell tolls

Take a look to the sky just before you die It is the last time you will Blackened roar massive roar fills the crumbling sky Shattered goal fills his soul with a ruthless cry Stranger now, are his eyes, to this mystery He hears the silence so loud Crack of dawn, all is gone except the will to be Now the will see what will be, blinded eyes to see

For whom the bell tolls Time marches on For whom the bell tolls

( 12:17 PM ) Okay, today's guest BMB is quite good. ^__^

*points out the window* Heehee, a mini-plow!! *giggles*

song of the moment: "Sunny Came Home" by Shawn Colvin (so sue me, I like this song... ).

( 12:08 PM ) Why is it on days that it's not supposed to snow, it snows the most? We've gotten about 13 cm since last night and it's still coming down... -_-;

song of the moment: "For Whom the Bell Tolls" by Metallica. Heeheehee....makes me think of AH. I shall post the lyrics on here later.

( 7:42 AM ) The Wheel of Excitement on Neopets loves me... I just won another 10 000 np. O_O ( 7:35 AM ) Morning blog!

Here I am, killing time while I wait for either mom to call me or for me to call mom. Stupid morons in Wal-Mart, you call the main office and ask to be patched through to Electronics, and they put you on hold and hang up on you. Figures, it was mom's boss that just did that to me. Moron.

I got slim to no sleep last night due to sickness. Man, do I hurt... I feel like my guts are being put into a dryer's spin cycle constantly. And after drinking 3 L of cranberry juice, I'm not too good right now. I'm kinda waiting for mom to call so I can ask her what to do... I dunno if I should stay home or go to school. I bet I'm missing a fair bit. Well, there's always Fiona and Harpreet to ask. ^_^;;

I bet Dan's gonna kill me if I'm off another day. Mike's prolly beaten him up a few times by now without me there.

*drums her fingers* Mom, I asked you to phone me... you've got 10 minutes, and then I phone YOU....and hope I don't get hung up on...

Oh! BmB's on it's guest week. Y'know, with guest artists doing the panels. I'm not liking it too much. Yesterday's was a tad too blunt, with not enough joke 'ahind it. Maybe next time, I'll try for a guest spot on there. I'd be sure to do something involving Cy and Skids. I love Cy and Skids. ^__^

I'm running very low on straight kyara. Querida manages to turn them all gay! *shakes her head* Bennett, Lucas, Rukura, Sy.... who next? *turns to Tiirak* Dood, you're not gay are you? Tiirak: No way. Meg: You sure?? Tiirak: Yes, I'm sure. Meg: *looks suspicious*

Mommie bought me the Silence of the Lambs yesterday. It's such a good movie, and all the better if you've read the book. The casting for the movie is very good, too... Jodie Foster makes such a cute Clarice Starling. It really pisses me off that Julianne Moore is playing Clarice in Hannibal (which comes out tomorrow, check your local listings ^_~). She is SO not Starling material. But as long as Sir Anthony Hopkins is still good ol' Hannibal Lecter the Cannibal, I'll watch it.

*calls Mom* Wow, I got through....!!! Maybe that's because I cheated and used the associates-only code. How would I know THAT? 9.9

Looks like I get to stay home again today... *feh* Boredom and a half. Amy, if you're home, feel free to phone me or something.

Over and out!

( 10:50 PM ) Yeeeeeeeee! Querida can read my mind and alter my dreamstate!!!!

No one should have to drink 2 litres of cranberry juice in 5 hours. x_X

( 9:21 AM ) Morning blog!

I'm home sick! And it's only the 4th day of semester 2. Seems that whatever the hell was wrong with me before is wrong with me again... pain hurts, you know. T_T;

I've not much to say today... doesn't that suck when you wanna say something but you're outta' stuff to say?

OH!!! GOOD NEWS! AH Issue one is officially coming along WELL! Looks like I won't have to go to version 16... ^___^

( 9:32 PM ) Rukura and Lian... I got bored and messed around with PC Paintbrush... ( 6:41 PM ) *looking from her cat CC to her mug of hot chocolate* CC is staring at the marshmellows like they're evil..... *inches away* ( 6:29 PM ) The Angel Hunter church stainglass window...? ( 4:00 PM ) Okay, I know.... I didn't blog this morning. I was running mighty late. I had to hop fences to get to school. ^_^;;;

What did I do today? Not much. I got yelled at three times and nearly booted out of my history class (why? for drawing! >.<;;), and I nearly fell asleep in comm tech. Thankfully, Mr. Dewitte let us out early.

The layouts for pages 1-4 of AH have been redone. This is version 15... and I'm LIKING it! FINALLY!

Heeey, imouto! Mercutio was the best kyara in that play. I also liked Benvolio, he was cool too (my once-best-friend Brittany took to calling me 'Volio 'cause I liked him so much). Mercutio, tho, had one hell of an attitude, and he was interesting and VERY funny. Too bad he had to die... I'm glad you liked the little snippet. Allow me to post another, just for you! ^__^ This is another bit I quite like.

Benjamin found it facinating to watch him, he was so calm and so... well, he was the very picture of freedom as far as he was concerned. Yes, that was it. Benjamin admired Lokistrant's blasé attitude towards life. Envy, almost.

When one night, Lokistrant was late on his ritual visits to the plantation, Benjamin worried. Could he have been hurt?.... no. This was Lokistrant. He didn't GET hurt. But maybe he just didn't want to see him anymore?

Abandonment. A reoccurring issue. His throat felt dry suddenly. He curled up on his bed, blond hair over his eyes, and wished for morning, when he KNEW that Lokistrant would not come. No second guessing when daylight was involved.

Minutes passed. And quite unexpectedly, Lokistrant was there, startling the boy. Leaning against the far wall, watching quietly, decked out in his usual dark reds and silvers. Benjamin sat up. "How long have you been there? You scared me!"

Lokistrant smiled his usual enigmatic smile, the impression of fangs something no longer unexpected. "Carter, deepest apologies for being so late." The smile was kind, but the voice was final, the tone stating that there was to be no questions asked. Lokistrant held out his hand to the boy. "Care to come with me into town for a while?"

( 7:45 AM ) Morning Blog, part II

Oh! I saw Cast Away over the weekend! It's SO good! Tom Hanks is a surprisingly good actor... I mean, who else can get away with talking to a volleyball so convincingly? And we all know that Amy likes to imagine him naked (Tom, not the volleyball). You should all go see it! NOW!!!! That's an order!

Heehee, now a little quote for fun from a story I am going to re-write.

Benjamin stared across the table at the stranger, worried. The man seemed in his twenties, if that, and had long brown hair that spilled over his shoulders and down his back. His eyes were an unnatural ruby red, and they were very intelligent eyes. Benjamin had learned early in life to be cautious, especially with the smarter ones.

The man crossed his hands on the table in front of him, casual. "Benjamin Carter, correct?"

Benjamin could dect a vague, though unrecognizable, accent. "Yes sir."

"You're fifteen?"

"Yes sir."

"Such a shame to see someone so young forced into... what you're familiar with."

Benjamin sunk down in his chair. "Why are you here? Why did you pull me away from papa?"

To match Benjamin's withdraw from the table, the man leaned forward, and smiled. Benjamin could have sworn he saw fangs. "You remind me of someone."

( 7:22 AM ) Morning blog!

Man, do I feel WEIRD this morning. I'm not sure why, exactly, but I just feel weird. I dunno. I think a certain spiritie dood slept in my bed with me last night.... *points at Bennett* 'Cause I actually slept.

Last night, during a particularly good RP, my ISP died and wouldn't let me back on. I wasn't happy. It was getting SO good, too... *pouts*

I'm so quickly out of things to say.... ^____^;;

O'er an' out!

( 11:17 AM ) Meg's random contemplations I'm considering re-writing Carter's story, which ties in with a fair bit of Lucas' story. Been considering it for a while... Carter's got some serious problems, and he's fun to write because he's so screwed up. He's got a really weird past. His dad was SUCH a jerk.... and up until becoming a vampire, Carter was good little Bennie; never had the nerve to fight his father. *ponders* It's an interesting story. Maybe I'll start on it again after I get home from seeing Cast Away.... ( 10:56 PM ) Okay, people, special announcement!!!!!!! Congrats to Bennett and niichan on the birth of their daughter, Candra Arael Bennett! ^___^ ( 3:32 PM ) Woohoo! I got switched from Casement's class to Apostolou's class! Hooray!!! And I am already SO ahead of all the people in my comm tech class. I seem to be the only one who knows how to use Adobe Photoshop, Illustrator, Publisher, and Premier, as well as Quark and a few other programs. Damn, am I ahead. *_* ( 7:36 AM ) Morning blog!

Wow, I only slept 3 hours and I feel okay.... *falls out of her chair laughing at today's BmB* Cy and Skids are a riot! I hope they do turn out as a couple! *laughing*

New semester starts today. I'm not too happy about this, as I have history and math this semester, and history is my homeroom class. With Mr. Casement. *cries* NOOOO!!! If I get called by my last name ONCE in his class, I'm gonna commit suicide (okay, not really).

My room is now a nice shrine of large wall hangings. On the walls around my bed, I have three Card Captor Sakura wallscrolls (two anime, one manga), and one kick-ASS Prozzak Saturday People promo poster. Thank you, John. *smilesmilesmile*

On Neopets, I am neopoor. Looks like my pets are gonna be eating at the soup kitchen a lot. -_-;

Meg's Art Corner! I know, I've not done much in the way of art lately. You know what's weird? I tend to draw more in school than at home. I think it's because I'm around so many people. Cam's SD Panther form, doodled in MS Paint. I was bored, okay? And it DID turn out cute. Part of my MS Paint family portrait. I still have to finish the pictures for John and Dani, and the kids too if I have enough willpower after screwing around with the stupid program afterwards.

Song of the moment: "When Doves Cry (Fatboy Slim remix) by Depeche Mode and Prince. I love this... don't ask me why. ^_^;

Quote of the moment: "Listen sister, if I want your opinion, I'll BEAT it out of you!" -- Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

Okay, that's it for now. Ja matta ne! *disappears in purple smoke*

( 12:38 PM ) Song of the moment: "Misere by Andrea Bocelli and John Miles. I have a very....expansive taste in music. So sue me. *sings along* ( 11:45 AM ) To Chris-kun: Dooood, I don't hate you, and I'm not mad at you..... jus' chill, man. S'your blog, you can say what's on your mind...

I got my pretty pretty new cladagh ring in the mail yesterday! *kisses said ring* Mi querida gave it to me!! Isn't that sweet? ^__^

I have come to the conclusion that Cam would make a really scary bad guy. Like, not c3... but if CAM were bad. He'd be scary. I mean, he's already got some issues with where his loyalty lies... and he's pretty much infinite in power. Not to mention, after being killed about 200 times, I think he knows the painful ways to kill people. Wonder if niichan (currently my neechan) sees this? Well, at least now he knows about Cam's possibilities for becoming nothing more than a lethal weapon.

I have three neopets! My blue wocky named Cadence, my green shoyru named Lokistrant, and my yellow eyrie Poyania! ^__^

"My December" is © Linkin Park. The art is mine. Don't take. Information on the layout is thus; this is Damien McKinnley, a character of mine whom I've been roleplaying for a little over a year now. He's Simon McKinnley's oldest child, and he's kinda angsty and depressive. Art done in paintchat and added some snow in Photoshop.

Name: Meg Graham AKA: DJ Rabid Armadillo Age: 17 Birthday: May 1st Identifies as: a depressive and obsessive compulsive bisexual artist and writer Hair: black Eyes: grey Bands: Depeche Mode, Iron Maiden Movies: Fight Club, Velvet Goldmine, Hedwig and the Angry Inch Books: As I Lay Dying, Harry Potter, Fight Club, A Clockwork Orange, and the Repairman Jack series. Anime: Fruits Basket, Kare Kano Manga: Fruits Basket, Kare Kano Artists: Takaya Natsuki, H.R Giger, Tony, Firefly Family: Tony, Julian, Dora, Poe, Mina Lives for: Firefly, art, music

Legacy of the Messiah Deviantart

Brittany Deanna Lisa Firefly Dora Becky Dan Julian Tony (blog) Alex Heidi Megan Hana Gerrad Kiran Amy Zalina Katarina Matt Ribby Chris Meagen Poe Tsua Frecklegirl Rikki Mina Blair

Journeys Down Boy Meets Boy Little Machine Litost Satellite Yunga Neko Lean On Me Chronicles of a Drow Sorceress Spider Born Haato no Kagami Arcana Tiger/Tiger Separation Anxiety Nymphs of the West

Aesiraven.com Aesiraven Oekaki Kaki-riffic! Neopets KikiWai b3ta

Name Contact? Speak to me. (smilies)

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conjuringimportunity · 5 years

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Anonymous said: Any blog recommendations for new people wanting to join this community?

sure.

@kurkowna - always there for every other yen if you ever wanna join this community, join and go meet them. super friendly, super sweet. kind of like the sister i never had. gives a bomb portrayal of yen.

@beastend - one of the nicest and most friendly muns i’ve met on this site. the moment i made yen they were supportive and honestly, they did not even know me. they rp dettlaff and if you wanna talk about depth, honestly look no further. i love them and i love the portrayal they give. you aren’t going to find someone as talented as this writer in just any situation, seriously.

@zagubionywilk @rzeznic @ofrxvia @vattghcrn @vattgherngeralt @riviasblade @rivianwhitewclf @witcherblooded @whitecne @wolher @twicexbladed - amazing geralt blogs. i seriously do love all of these people, they are so sweet and will give you a great interpretation of how they view geralt. i can’t thank them enough for being partners of mine.

@hollowedpie @jaskicr @jaskiertm @bardstune @songbard - these are just a few, but if you wanna talk to dandelion / jaskier .. look no further. really great blogs, cannot thank them enough for their portrayals.

@rectoress - if you wanna talk to a really great writer for tissaia, seriously, look no further friends. they have their own ideas on how she would approach things and i can’t thank them enough for what they do for this community.

@snarkomancy - i love fred’s phil and i honestly don’t say it enough. i am in awe of them for how much of a great portrayal they bring to the dash. it’s like i am looking at the real phil when they write. so much depth, so much character. god bless fred.

@hdgewitch - i’ve yet to really get to know mint better, but i’ve always loved what they bring to the dash, even before truly being a mutual, i was so happy to see a keira. keira is such a strong character, mint gives great depth to her.

@suhmuse @hvadeina @conjunction-of-spheres - really bias towards their ciri portrayals, but seriously, look at them. they do a great job with the portrayal and honestly MULTIMUSE NATION .. people that roleplay multiple muses need more love. check them out.

BONUS: FOLLOW @entwinedfables @starlyht !! i don’t know very much abt entwinedfables just yet, but from everything i’ve seen, i am super ecstatic to rp with them. once again, multimuse blogs need more love. they love so many characters and can be flexible in their writing, it’s badass and deserve recognition. starlyht has a lot of really great oc’s and deserves to be acknowledged for the effort they put into loving each character sm. really really great content.

these are just a few blogs, honestly. check them out though !!

#out of character.#bias mentions for ts #[ gonna start tagging this accordingly #bc i get a lot of people asking me abt this

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midsvmmars · 5 years

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characters based on tarot: the major arcana

under the cut is the twenty two major arcana cards (or main cards) of tarot personified as characters. if you are looking for character inspiration, muse, or archetypes this is a good list to give you a base character idea. you can also do more research on your own for each card and their art to help once you’ve chosen, and i might do a reversed card character help too!! i will also be doing this for each of the four sections of the minor arcana cards!! i hope this helps you in building a character and if you have any questions or need any help send me an ask cuz i love talking about this stuff!! thanks!!

1. the fool: this is a character on a journey, full of excitement and potential and happy to see what the world has for them because their blindly optimistic on this new journey. think hercules at the beginning of the disney movie when he goes to phil’s, so ready to find his place and the epic journey of his life. this is someone following their heart and their dreams, and believe everything happens for a reason even the bad things that are thrown their way is a learning experience. this is a character who develops in a positive way, growing for the better, and is so optimistic it’s in an almost childish way. this is that character who has their few belongings packed into the back of their car and are going on a roadtrip with only three shirts. they don’t need a lot, just their positivity and maybe a really good book and pet. their biggest flaw is their innocence or naivety, and while they can brush off some bad things well they still have a lot to learn about the world and are at risk of being hardened.

2. the magician: this character is, unlike the fool, is goal oriented and has a straight plan for their life and career. this character is extremely ambitious, more mature, and are very balanced in everything in their lives. they are grounded, know their worth and place and have a lot of inner power because of that. this is someone that is highly educated both in their studies but in the world, being very cultured as well. they have unlimited potential and refuse to allow anyone to get in the way of that.

3. the high priestess: this card is known as the card that “sits at the gate before the great Mystery” and “in front of the thin veil of awareness, which is all that separates us from our inner selves.” so um...everything (my fav card obvi). this is a character who has a silent power, so completely sure of themselves and everything in them that they have no need to scream it at the rooftops and let everyone know, because their actions so it and in knowing your own truth you don’t need to prove it to others. this is the character that always trusts their gut cuz it’s always right, they have great intuition. this is another character that is mature, and more so an old soul. this person recognizes the importance of both good and bad in life, the duality of people and that no one is fully good or bad. they’re like a lawful neutral to true neutral in other terms.

4. the empress: this card represents femininity, fertility, and beauty. they’re if aphrodite was a tarot card. this is a character who is very much into nature, finding comfort in the breeze in the woods and being near the beach. they are very down to earth and peaceful, a pure spirit and very peaceful. they’d be the mom friend if they weren’t so chill.

5. the emperor: this character is more harsh, someone who borders on cruel with their blunt words but covers it by claiming it’s “tough love”. this is someone who is mature and has been through a lot to get to the good position where they are. they are hardened by the world and very pessimistic because of that. they insist on being the leader even if they aren’t always the best of it, because they are too headstrong to be anything but the leader. they always take action and initiative, but don’t think their actions through sometimes or see the other side of an argument because they immediately think their opinion is the correct one. they are the harsh dad friend, gruff who rarely has nice things to say but you think they still love you? maybe? you can’t really tell. it takes a lot to get this character to open up or trust someone.

6. the hierophant: this character is religious and deeply rooted in family and tradition. they are very big on family, whether that means being really close to theirs or wanting one of their own (or both), but they think very little is as important as family. they follow the set rules, values, and moral of their religion or family and instead of adapting and changing with their situation they find a way to put their beliefs in their situation. this character is a mentor to those around them, an older soul who wants to help others in the way they think is best.

7. the lovers: while this card usually represents the bond between two people, it can still be used for one character!! this is a character who is a hopeless romantic and has been hurt a lot because of that, used emotionally and sexually by people they thought were the one and weren’t. now they are in a place of healing, still looking for love and romance but healing from their past romantic failures and trying to mend their heart for the person who will treat them right.

8. the chariot: this is a character who has victory as the light at the end of the tunnel...if they can get through all the crap that’s being thrown at them. this is a character who has everything against them in their journey or goal, going through relentless struggles until they can finally reach the goal and that’s only if they can get through all that and handle the struggle. they have a lot of drive and determination though, and that should keep them going through the obstacles of their lives. character wise this could be a character who comes from a low income family putting in a lot of effort to get a scholarship to their dream school for example!

9. the hermit: there are multiple ways you can go about this character. the most common one is the literal hermit, someone who is super introverted, alone, shy, and generally sad. maybe they have a reason for always being alone and a past trauma. maybe this person is just really anti social or afraid of interaction. maybe they are pessimistic and just hate everyone and think they’re the only one worth being around. these are all various ways you can go for a character, though it makes it harder for interactions especially in a group rp so i propose a more social version of the hermit!! a character who loves being alone but not of disdain of others, but of love of themselves. this is someone who has gone through a long journey of self discovery and learning to love themselves when they didn’t always, and now has more awareness of the world around them and who is worth their presence now that they have more self respect for themselves. they surround themselves with those close with them, don’t take shit from anyone and will drop you if you’re not a good friend, and wants to be single. they are still in a spot of self discovery and need to focus on themselves, not a relationship but if love comes we’ll see.

10. strength: this strength doesn’t necessarily mean physical strength (though it can), but inner strength. this is a character who has a lot of inner strength. they are calming, loving, compassionate, and strong not only for themselves but those around them. they can tame anyone and anything (in a good way) with their loving nature, showing people love and helping them relax from moments of anger or stress. they are the total mom friend, the one who takes out their friends when they’re feeling bad or brings over ice cream and movies when they have a bad breakup.

11. the wheel of fortune: tbh i can’t think of a character for this!!

12. justice: this character, clearly, believes in justice. they are the ultimate lawful good, they’re probably a lawyer, cop, or fbi agent or something that has to do with justice. this is a person who believes in karma, people getting what they deserve for their actions, and taking responsibility for yourself and what you’ve done. they are very serious, especially about their work and equality, and could easily be a social justice warrior. they can be kind of harsh and judgmental though, and might not be the friend you go to if you make a mistake out of fear that they’d say “you deserve it for doing that.” while they are harsh, they have a good heart and just believe in the best of people and insist on people being the best version they can be, and won’t stand for any less.

13. the hanged man: while you may not expect it, this character would most likely fall under the archetype of the hero, the tragic one more specifically. this is the character who is willing to sacrifice themselves for the greater good, the martyr to save everyone else. this is someone who was once a very self righteous type of hero, seeing themselves as the ultimate form of justice and clarity, that they are the true hero of the world and it isn’t until they see the world through a different perspective that they realize they might not have always been right, or that the only option for the happiest ending for the mass is to surrender. they remind me of steve rogers for some reason.

14. death: this is a character that is killing off a past part of themselves, their life, or have lost someone from their past. either of these options lead to the same thing for your character: a large change in their life. this is a character being thrust into a big change whether or not they’re prepared. they are being reborn into something new or into a new life, and this is for the best. they are a bit disoriented, but it’s all apart of their journey.

15. temperance: this is a very cautious character, afraid of something that could throw off the balance of their life that they’ve worked so hard on having. they’re kind of introverted, someone who blushes easily and refuses to drink while at the party. they have a deep connection with nature and are comfortable being on their own, but wouldn’t deny company if it came.

16. the devil: this is a character with a lot of bad traits. this is that character who is the rich kid that spends their money on drugs and parties, is rarely sober and when they are they’re hungover, and can’t seem to get on top of their shit. this is someone who has chained themselves to bad habits, whatever it may be (sex, smoking, drinking, drugs, etc) and tries to hide their problems from the people that care about them by waving money in their face and showing all the “good” they have. they can’t seem to free themselves from these addictions and hateful thoughts towards themselves, because while they may act like they like themselves they loathe themselves.

17. the tower: this is a character who reminds me of cassandra from greek mythology, who doesn’t intend to but brings catastrophe in their wake. they try to warn people of the negative consequences but no one believes them, and bad things happen everywhere they go.

18. the star: this character is like the fool in the fact that they are overly optimistic and naive. they remind me of ariel from the little mermaid, hopeful for the world and all it has to offer while not fully knowing or understanding it. nonetheless they are an absolutely adorable character, someone people love no matter what and want to protect from the cruelty of the world so they maintain their happy disposition. unlike the fool they aren’t as easily going to brush off negative things happening in their life, as they are very vulnerable and sensitive and their heart can be broken very easily.

19. the moon: this is tied with the high priestess as my favorite card, as this card represents mystery and the unconscious mind. it reminds me of shows like twin peaks or gravity falls, where something seems quaint, simple, cute but underneath there is a dark layer to it. this is a character with a not necessarily evil in them, but some dark part of them pushed deep down in their subconscious that is trying to bubble out. they might not know they have this in them, having erased it from their mind, or they might be in a constant struggle to push it down and hide it. they are in a constant struggle with themselves, and the secrets they keep.

20. the sun: this is the ultimate optimist, and is most definitely a leo zodiac wise. they are always loud and fun, sometimes too loud where it kind of embarrasses their friends when they’re at dinner and they’re screaming. this is a character who is just generally happy, fun, bright, and chipper. they are literally the sun.

21. judgement: this is similar to justice, but less judgy (even if they are judgement). while justice is the friend you don’t want to go to for advice or emotional health, judgement is. if you’re unsure if you made the right choice you go to judgement, this is the character that can see all sides to the picture and give good advice. if they agree with you or give you a thumbs up on your decision you know you made the right choice. this is the character that has their shit together, and could easily run an advice column on a website or in a newspaper.

22. the world: this is the character who seems to be on top of the world, finally achieving all they’ve ever dreamed of and finding balance and clarity in their life. they’ve been through a lot to get here, but it’s all worth it in the end and they can finally relax and enjoy all they’ve gotten.

#rpt #rpc #rph #chara help #chara inspo #by me

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rpmatchmaker · 6 years

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Partner search!

Name:Rhys Age:20 Timezone:Central Email:[email protected] Hey there! I'm looking for long term, descriptive roleplay partners. I do m/m, m/f, f/f. I am also very wary of being approached with "I only do this gender" because I am very flexible, and just want many different characters on both of our ends. I do not appreciate stereotypical 'top/bottom' and 'seme/uke' tropes (please don't call it yaoi/yuri and/or give anime-esque face claims) and would like for relationships to remain as realistic as possible, meaning switching. I do smut. (Note: I rdon't roleplay with minors. Please be 18+. If you aren't a legal adult, I will not respond.) Fandoms ----- •Life is Strange (Max/Chloe, Max/literally anyone, Chloe/Rachel, Warren/Nathan) •Game of Thrones (Gendry/Arya, Jon/Ygritte, Robb/Theon, Robb/Talisa, Sansa/Margaery [video game>>] Mira/Sera, Asher/Gwyn, Rodrik/Arthur, Elaena/Gryff) •The Wolf Among Us (Bigby/Snow, Bigby/Woodsman, Bigby/Bloody Mary) •Steven Universe (Ruby/Sapphire, [aged up] Connie/Steven, Pearl/Rose/Greg, Pearl/Amethyst) •The Mortal Instruments (Alec/Magnus, Simon/Raphael, Isabelle/Simon, Isabelle/Lydia, Jace/Clary, Clary/Isabelle, Jace/Simon) •The Walking Dead (Rick/Daryl, Rick/Negan, Negan/Dwight, Daryl/Carol, Rick/Shane, Rick/Michonne, Michonne/Andrea, Glenn/Maggie [video game>>] Luke/Nick, Lee/Carley, Lee/Kenny, Eddie/Wyatt, Nate/Russel) •The Last of Us (Joel/OC, Joel/Tess, Ellie/Riley) •Infamous; Second Son (Eugene/Delsin, Reggie/Delsin, Fetch/Delsin) •Marvel (Tony/Steve, Tony/Bruce, Bucky/Steve, Clint/Pietro, Clint/Phil, Natasha/Wanda, Peter/Wade, Peter/Harry, Peter/Gwen, Peter/Harry/Gwen, Wade/Vanessa, Wade/Peter/Vanessa) •Until Dawn (Chris/Josh, Chris/Mike, Ashley/Sam, Sam/Beth, Emily/Jess/Matt, Ashley/Chris) •Borderlands (Jack/Rhys, Jack/Rhys/Timothy, Fiona/Athena, Athena/Janey, Fiona/Yvette, Rhys/Vaughn, Jack/Nisha, Axton/Rhys, Axton/Maya, Maya/Lilith, Lilith/Roland, Timothy/Wilhem, Jack/Nisha/Rhys) •Underland Chronicles (Gregor/Luxa, [aged up] Gregor/Howard) •Uncharted (Nathan/Sam, Nathan/Harry, Nathan/Elaena, Elaena/Chloe, Sully/Chloe) •Miraculous Ladybug (Adrien/Marinette, Nino/Alya, Marinette/Lila, Marinette/Nathaniel) •Suicide Squad/Batman (Bruce/Dick, Harley/Ivy, platonic Harley & Floyd, limited Harley/Joker [i advise being very careful, as this pairing is extremely toxic and abusive], Floyd/El Diablo) •Brokeback Mountain (Ennis Del Mar/Jack Twist) •Shutter Island (Teddy Daniels;Andrew Laeddis/Chuck Aule) •Hamilton: An American Musical (Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Alexander Hamiton/Aaron Burr, Alexander Hamilton/Elizabeth Schuyler, Alexander Hamilton/Angelica Schuyler, Elizabeth Schuyler/Maria Reynolds, Aaron Burr/Theodosia Prevost, Philip Hamilton/Theodosia Burr, Lafayette/John Laurens, Alexander Hamilton/George Washington, Lafayette/Hercules Mulligan) Eyewitness (US): (Philip/Lucas) --- I don't do canon/oc, but can be convinced for some, I am all for it! If you don't see a certain pairing you're looking for, approach me with it! I may have forgotten or whatnot and could easily be swayed for that pairing! ---- I would love to chat OOC. Being friends is what really makes this work! I want to hear about what's going on in your life. I want to be someone that you can lean on! If I do not reply to an email within the span of a few days, it may be because it got lost in my inbox. Just send it again if this occurs! I write in third person, past/present tense, and in paragraph form. I'm going to be honest, if you show disinterest with one liners and very limited two-paragraphed responses to my six, then I will most likely not respond. I want to be friends, and get along, but if someone doesn't want to put in the effort, I understand. I know life is busy, and you don't always have time, but if it's a constant one-two paragraphs and not at least giving me a heads up that you'll be gone, I'm not going to accept it when I specified that I just want something over three. :( I feel bad for doing this, but it just gets tiring to try awfully hard and get a disinterested response in return. Original plot ideas ------ •Anthropomorphic medieval nobles that have to tame the beasts within themselves in the midst of a war. ((This is an extremely descriptive, multiple character plot that I have pre-planned.)) •Super duo/team coming together to defeat a mass villain/conflict •Pandemic survivor must take an immune survivor across the US in order to extract the cure (credit to The Last of Us) •Future where androids/robots are used as helpers for just about anything, for example: Keeping disabled and elderly people company in their homes, doing odd jobs to assist humanity, etc. among this, most people who don't need them as companions are very prejudice against the AI. It is up to our characters to stop the impending war between AI and human. (Credit to I, Robot. Two of our main characters can be a human and an AI! :V) •Assassin roleplay (can be assassin/target, assassin/assassin. historical or modern) •Explorers looking for a treasure on the coast of a tropical island(credit to the Uncharted series! Can be romantic or platonic) •Time traveller gets stuck in time, and another person has to help them get back to the reality they came from. • Oceanologists go to a secluded island to study the plants and sea life in the water, and on a scuba dive, discover creatures unlike anything they've ever seen. People with tails and scales! (Merpeople! :D Can be romantic, like all the others) •Person goes to live in a very wealthy relatives home after they pass away, and learns how secluded the neighborhood really is, with a small village of less than 30 people, and nothing more. Supernatural occurrences ensue, and characters must stop the thing/creature as it starts taking people in the night. •Detective duo goes to a secluded mental penitentiary together in order to solve the case of a patient that went missing out of nowhere. Throughout their journey, detective 1 is separated from their partner, and is put through a series of trials in order to find their missing patient. What they think is going on isn't what it appears to be. (credit to the movie Shutter Island. Heavily influenced on the plot, and will contain many, many triggers. Such as murder, mental illness, and deception.) ------------ Limits: I cannot do pedophilia, mpreg, beastiality and/or furries, gun/knife kink, bathroom stuff, a/b/o, or gruesomely detailed rape/forced sexual interactions. Other than that, anything is fair game. Please don't contact me with a "hey, wanna rp?" I appreciate you adding things about yourself, and things pertaining to the RP like your limits and what interests you most! :) thank you! I apologize if I seem straight forward or offend anyone over some specifics I want, but I promise I am much, much more friendly and relaxed when we talk OOC.

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fyrapartnersearch · 7 years

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Looking for tales and adventures!

Name:Rhys Age:20 Timezone:Central Email:[email protected] Hey there! I'm looking for long term, descriptive roleplay partners. I do m/m, m/f, f/f (+ any nonbinary or trans pairings!). I am also very wary of being approached with "I only do this gender" because I am very flexible, and just want many different characters on both of our ends. I do not appreciate stereotypical 'top/bottom' and 'seme/uke' tropes (please don't call it yaoi/yuri and/or give anime-esque face claims) and would like for relationships to remain as realistic as possible, meaning switching. I do smut. (Note: I don't roleplay with minors. Please be 18+. If you aren't a legal adult, I will not respond.) Fandoms ----- •Life is Strange (Max/Chloe, Max/literally anyone, Chloe/Rachel, Warren/Nathan, Rachel/Frank) •Game of Thrones (Gendry/Arya, Jon/Robb, Jon/Sansa, Jon/Ygritte, Robb/Theon, Robb/Talisa, Sansa/Margaery [video game>>] Mira/Sera, Asher/Gwyn, Rodrik/Arthur, Elaena/Gryff, Rodrik/Elaena, Mira/Margaery) •The Wolf Among Us (Bigby/Snow, Bigby/Woodsman, Bigby/Bloody Mary) •Steven Universe (Ruby/Sapphire, [aged up] Connie/Steven, Pearl/Rose/Greg, Pearl/Amethyst) •The Mortal Instruments (Alec/Magnus, Simon/Raphael, Isabelle/Simon, Isabelle/Lydia, Jace/Clary, Clary/Isabelle, Jace/Simon, Maia/Isabelle) •The Walking Dead (Rick/Daryl, Rick/Negan, Negan/Dwight, Daryl/Carol, Rick/Shane, Rick/Michonne, Michonne/Andrea, Glenn/Maggie [video game>>] Luke/Nick, Lee/Carley, Lee/Kenny, Eddie/Wyatt, Nate/Russel, David/Javier, Javier/Jesus, Javier/Kate, [aged up] Clementine/Gabriel) •The Last of Us (Joel/OC, Joel/Tess, [aged up?] Ellie/Riley) •Infamous; Second Son (Eugene/Delsin, Reggie/Delsin, Fetch/Delsin) •Marvel (Tony/Steve, Tony/Bruce, Bucky/Steve, Clint/Pietro, Clint/Phil, Natasha/Wanda, Peter/Wade, Peter/Harry, Peter/Gwen, Peter/Harry/Gwen, Wade/Vanessa, Wade/Peter/Vanessa) •Until Dawn (Chris/Josh, Chris/Mike, Ashley/Sam, Sam/Beth, Emily/Jess/Matt, Ashley/Chris) •Borderlands (Jack/Rhys, Jack/Rhys/Timothy, Fiona/Athena, Athena/Janey, Fiona/Yvette, Rhys/Vaughn, Jack/Nisha, Axton/Rhys, Axton/Maya, Maya/Lilith, Lilith/Roland, Timothy/Wilhem, Jack/Nisha/Rhys) •Underland Chronicles (Gregor/Luxa, [aged up] Gregor/Howard) •Uncharted (Nathan/Sam, Nathan/Harry, Nathan/Elaena, Chloe/Nadine, Sam/Rafe) •DC (Bruce/Dick, Harley/Ivy, Oliver/Dinah, Dick/Jason) •Brokeback Mountain (Ennis Del Mar/Jack Twist) •Shutter Island (Andrew Laeddis/Chuck Aule) •Hamilton: An American Musical (Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Alexander Hamiton/Aaron Burr, Alexander Hamilton/Elizabeth Schuyler, Alexander Hamilton/Angelica Schuyler, Elizabeth Schuyler/Maria Reynolds, Aaron Burr/Theodosia Prevost, Philip Hamilton/Theodosia Burr, Lafayette/John Laurens, Alexander Hamilton/George Washington, Lafayette/Hercules Mulligan) •Eyewitness (US): (Philip/Lucas) •Heathers: Kurt/Ram, Veronica/Heather M., Veronica/Heather C., Veronica/JD --- I don't do canon/oc, but can be convinced for some, I am all for it! If you don't see a certain pairing you're looking for, approach me with it! I may have forgotten or whatnot and could easily be swayed for that pairing! ---- I would love to chat OOC. Being friends is what really makes this work! I want to hear about what's going on in your life. I want to be someone that you can lean on! If I do not reply to an email within the span of a few days, it may be because it got lost in my inbox. Just send it again if this occurs! I write in third person, past/present tense, and in paragraph form. I'm going to be honest, if you show disinterest with one liners and very limited two-paragraphed responses to my six, then I will most likely not respond. I want to be friends, and get along, but if someone doesn't want to put in the effort, I understand. I know life is busy, and you don't always have time, but if it's a constant one-two paragraphs and not at least giving me a heads up that you'll be gone, I'm not going to accept it when I specified that I just want something over three. :( I feel bad for doing this, but it just gets tiring to try awfully hard and get a disinterested response in return. Original plot ideas ------ •Therianthropic medieval nobles that have to tame the beasts within themselves in the midst of a war. ((This is an extremely descriptive, multiple character plot that I have pre-planned.)) •Super duo/team coming together to defeat a mass villain/conflict •Pandemic survivor must take an immune survivor across the US in order to extract the cure (credit to The Last of Us) •Future where androids/robots are used as helpers for just about anything, for example: Keeping disabled and elderly people company in their homes, doing odd jobs to assist humanity, etc. among this, most people who don't need them as companions are very prejudice against the AI. It is up to our characters to stop the impending war between AI and human. (Credit to I, Robot. Two of our main characters can be a human and an AI! :V) •Assassin roleplay (can be assassin/target, assassin/assassin. historical or modern) •Explorers looking for a treasure on the coast of a tropical island(credit to the Uncharted series! Can be romantic or platonic) •Time traveller gets stuck in time, and another person has to help them get back to the reality they came from. • Oceanologists go to a secluded island to study the plants and sea life in the water, and on a scuba dive, discover creatures unlike anything they've ever seen. People with tails and scales! (Merpeople! :D Can be romantic, like all the others) •Person goes to live in a very wealthy relatives home after they pass away, and learns how secluded the neighborhood really is, with a small village of less than 30 people, and nothing more. Supernatural occurrences ensue, and characters must stop the thing/creature as it starts taking people in the night. •Detective duo goes to a secluded mental penitentiary together in order to solve the case of a patient that went missing out of nowhere. Throughout their journey, detective 1 is separated from their partner, and is put through a series of trials in order to find their missing patient. What they think is going on isn't what it appears to be. (credit to the movie Shutter Island. Heavily influenced on the plot, and will contain many, many triggers. Such as murder, mental illness, and deception.) •Original Game of Thrones House, story, and positions!!! (CRAVING VVVV MUCH AHHH) ------------ Limits: I cannot do pedophilia, mpreg, beastiality and/or furries, gun/knife kink, bathroom stuff, a/b/o, or gruesomely detailed rape/forced sexual interactions. Other than that, anything is fair game. Please don't contact me with a "hey, wanna rp?" I appreciate you adding things about yourself, and things pertaining to the RP like your limits and what interests you most! :) thank you! I apologize if I seem straight forward or offend anyone over some specifics I want, but I promise I am much, much more friendly and relaxed when we talk OOC.

#oc rp #multiple paragraph #long term #email #marvel rp #twd rp #dc rp #submission

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thelastraigeki · 7 years

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Why I RP as Yautja and Turtles

I said that I was going to be writing up something which explains why I play certain races in roleplaying which don't fit into certain genres or criteria? Well, this is going to be that post. I'm not really having anything structured, so this is all done on the spot. I just feel like I have to seriously explain myself to myself and maybe others who want to understand my way of thinking and doing things.

For those of you who know me personally, I've been living a double life. One in the outside world, and one behind a keyboard and monitor. I am a free-form text roleplayer. I assume the name, face, and actions of a character and have them interact in a world of make-believe. Sort of like Dungeons and Dragons but without a set system. For my fellow roleplayers... you know who I am, what I do and everything. So, where do we begin?

I've always was different, always had to be different, especially growing up. When I recall my days in elementary to high school, I've never really made an effort to be part of a scene in particular. I was a drifter, a loner with a few friends. So, I think... this also plays in part to why I play certain races such as the Yautja, better known as the Predators of the film franchise of the same name, and the crossover franchise, Alien vs. Predator. And more recently, I have been playing a TMNT OC.

I began roleplaying sometime around 2001 and I started out in the AOL chatrooms. Back then the big thing was anime (still is by the way) and everything was Dragonball Z chats. Everyone was a Saiyan or some... Saiyan with mixed heritage. For me, it got pretty annoying and I decided to do something different... I also was seeing a lot of bishounen or bishoujo type characters. Flawless characters who were boinkable or modelsque who had powers which were planet busting. No flaws. So, I decided to RP as something which most would find ugly or not traditionally aesthetically appeasing. I also wanted to have some really nasty tech. So, I decided to RP as a Predator.

My way of thinking is why do what everyone else is doing? Be different. Break the mold. Yes... I know, it sounds like I want to be that special snowflake.

So I go to other rooms, and they were more or less the same as the AOL chats. SMC being one of them, and to my surprise it was like high school. Very much full of cliques, sometimes elitists. Yeah, that place didn't leave me with a good taste and I still did what I did-- play a Predator character in there while everyone was either this Saiyan-Angel, Saiyan-Demon, Saiyan-Unicorn-Vampire-Dragon... whatever. That's not to say I haven't made a few friends there but... they're far and few between.

Shortly thereafter when SMC died (Thank God...) I was introduced to the SRI. Now, I had a hard time getting my character in there because was a no-tech rule enforced by someone who hadn't been in the room for YEARS and it had to be reminded to me by it's players. I still brought my Predator character in. Why and how? In my mind, regardless if a world is more primitive and set in a certain time period, there is NOTHING stopping an extraterrestrial presence from dropping by and checking it out. I mean, if you believe in UFOs and Extraterrestrials, they stop by on our backwater planet ALL the time, so why not another, lesser developed world? The no-tech rule was still enforced, and I remember doing well without the more advanced gear for Rakai'Thwei-- and he took on some heavy hitters without his cloaking device or his plasma caster.

By now, more people started getting used to me... more friendships were started and some... eventually genuinely liked the character of Rakai'Thwei. Why? Hard to say but I'm glad to know that people loved and still love him. It makes me feel good that other player controlled characters off-handedly mention him in good memory... or bad, as Rakai has hunted A LOT of magic users who were also bishoujo or bishounens and SUCCEEDED.

Over the years more chatrooms were made, most of them pretty generic as they mostly revolved around a lake and a forest. And I still played Rakai'Thwei and his clan over there in those places. By then people knew me as "That Predator Guy". Or something... Hey, at least I wasn't a cookie cutter bishoujo or bishounen. Again, why do what everyone else is doing?

So, for a few years I was making my own chatrooms but they were meant to break the monotony of the fantasy medieval genre. My first room was AVP: Forever Hunt-- and it was set in a colony installation. It got very little traction. So sometime after that, I believe... four years after, I was approached to admin a room called Warzone and it was set in modern Earth... For a while it was doing good but there were falling outs with members and admins, and I was ousted of my position. But I was proud of it, there were little to no magical bishoujo or bishounens, or folks with unbeatable god-like power.

Now, I know what your asking... Phil, why didn't you make your own chatroom? Well, I did... It was called City of Shadows, and it drew inspirations from World of Darkness, Alien vs Predator, Marvel, DC, Street Fighter and other things. For a while, the room was pretty successful. All the way up to 2008 to 2012. But I think what contributed to it's fall was that... I let a certain crowd from the CBUB into the room, and one of them was making too many chatrooms and formed an exodus. Basically, all my players were stolen. But my world was different, my world was something meant to break away from the whole fantasy-medieval, sword and spell thing. And if you were a magic user in that world, which are allowed but you were a minority and the world and it's inhabitant would have a violent backlash. It was also set in Philadelphia, and if it was ever at all unwelcoming... well.. that's because it's A reflective part of the city itself, and the world we live in.

I deleted the chatroom in 2013 and then later on recreated as Philadelphia: City of Shadows. It has gotten little to no traction since. I think we all know why...

So years later on, the SRI is revived again... Why? I don't know. I bring Rakai back or rather... the current, main interpretation of him from Philadelphia: City of Shadows. The SRI Universe version of Rakai was later retconned into being a separate entity, who left the world of Spyradion. This one did what the SRI Universe version was unable to do... and his tech still worked (although the no tech rule MIGHT have been loosened up or no one was around to enforce it) to do enough damage to player characters. After he returned to his universe... I didn't know what to do.

So, I brought my TMNT OC in.... I love Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and this character has... had something of difficulty in being accepted in other rooms. Particular for the way he is played. I don't play the 1980s Toon TMNT in mind... No, I play with the 1984 Mirage comics in mind... where the TMNT were angry and violent because they were reflective of the world which Eastman and Laird created.

He was also a character of few words because in two chatrooms he existed in, he was in ninja mode 24/7. He had to be. One chatroom called Dice Masters was set in a weird... cosmic setting... I don't remember too much of it, and I quite damn well don't care. All I remember is that there was one player who bitched at me because of my formatting and I just decided to not return. Another room was called Operation Syndicate which was a room that drew inspirations from Mad Max, Hokuto No Ken and other series which... I don't know but I was welcomed with open arms. For a while, I could play Giger Van Gogh as the ninja he should be-- a silent vigilante who resorted to lethal and permanent methods to deal with his enemies. Unfortunately, there were some complaints from fellow players that the character was unrelatable, overly violent, and generally anti-social. Considering the world that room was set up with... He HAD to be. You wanted to approach him? Go ahead. You wanted to be friendly with him? Earn his trust...

Then I was banned from the room for simply playing the character the way I wanted him played because an admin was quite fearful that I was going to have him off her characters. That and I made a joke regarding the Starwatcher hunt which happened in the SRI in 2001 - 2002.

Now in the SRI... he doesn't HAVE to be in ninja mode 24/7, because there are weirder things than a mutant Turtle who is a ninja. So he is much more approachable. He sort of fits in... but he doesn't considering his origins and period of time he's from. That, and there's the Symbiote. The reason why I brought the Symbiote in was to better deal with some player characters, and it was inspired by a game mechanic in Heroclix. Yes, in that game, I have played Symbiote bonded TMNT.

But in comparison to other characters, Rakai'Thwei included, Giger Van Gogh is an under-dog type character. Underpowered compared to many others, despite having the Symbiote which boost his speed, strength, stamina, durability and what not. His weaknesses are exploitable and I've noticed an increasing number of characters now wielding sound magic. Coincidence? But I like Giger Van Gogh, as he sort of makes me have to approach things in a different way... I have to sort of Batman my way in doing things.

Every now and then I get asked: "Well, why don't you make something that fits in? People will flock to you."

My answer to this is: Everyone else is doing it. Personally, I don't like to play humans because I see them as fairly weak in comparison to many races unless they are Street Fighter types-- and I play one in my own chatroom where she belongs. I don't like playing Elves because in my opinion, most of them play them as either hoity toighty tree hugging hippies and they are way too aesthetically pleasing. I've been asked to play one before from one player... did it, and I didn't like it. Angels? Too pious. Demons? Never saw the appeal... that and I just feel like most people play them wrong (they aren't handsome bishounen... See Zozo for an example) unless they're incubi or succubi. Werewolves? Who hasn't done that? Vampires? BOR-ING! Especially with how Bram Stoker, Anne Rice and Stephanie Meyer tailored them over the years. They should be mindless, raging, blood thirsty monstrosities... like seen in 30 Days of Night.

So... I chose to play a Yautja because I liked the physical differences they have from humans, the superhuman abilities which they had back before all this PREDATORS and Prometheus bullshit came out. And they had some really wicked tech to boot. I choose to play a TMNT because they are something which I happened to have grown up with, and they're still pretty powerful but not overly so as say a Yautja. Plus, neither side are aesthetically pleasing... and they don't use magic, which I feel is very over-rated and over used.

I like being different. Why do what everyone else is doing?

#Personal Experience #Roleplay #Roleplaying

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auroraphilealis · 8 years

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A Familiar Kind of Love Chapter Twenty-Two

A Familiar Kind of Love

Genre: Chaptered, ace/aro (flux and other experiences including but not limited to queerplatonic relationships), self discovery, witches, slow burn, getting together (eventually and in a mixed romantic/platonic way), RP format

Warnings: inaccurate herbology/plant & medicine stuff, self-esteem issues & confused hierarchy systems between familiars & witches (that does get resolved), threatened non-con (later, warned in chapter, and non-explicit), explicit discussions of nudity/sexual content but no actual smut, light experiences of ace/aro discrimination & feelings of discomfort/dysphoria during self-discovery, swearing

Summary: Born in a world full of magic, Dan spends his days running an apothecary and curing the sick. Potions and antidotes are his only friends, and he lives a happy life of quiet solitude - until a familiar he never wanted takes it all away. Forced to make a decision that’s life or death for one of them, Dan and Phil have to learn to co-exist together, entering a journey of self-discovery… and a familiar kind of love. Ace/Aro

Word Count: 15,410 this chapter

Thank you to @vanillasolitude who we could not have done this without. Every inch of their commentary and editing was a huge confidence boost, and we can not thank Emily enough for even being willing to do this with us. Seriously, it was a mammoth task and Emily just completely rose to the occasion, so giant thanks from us!

Updates: Monday & Wednesday & Friday

Disclaimer: In no way do I claim that this is real or cast aspersions on Dan or Phil.

For reference, @insanityplaysfics is Phil, @ineverhadmyinternetphase is Dan

(Previous) (Masterlist) (AO3)

insanityplaysfics: i truly can’t believe this is over. The amount of editing and rewriting that went into this last chapter alone is something you can’t quite imagine, and I think… is the best clumination of the entire fic. Of all the chapters, this is ultimately my favorite, and is everything that I wanted to do with this story. I am so, so thankful to ineverhadmyinternetphase for writing this with me, endlessly grateful to how much love she put into it, and all of the things that she taught me through it, and how much I feel that I personally grew. I don’t think we could have done this story in any different way, and I am forever grateful to the people who stuck by us from day one. All I can hope is that this story is for you guys what it is for me - and that’s a safe space for you to feel accepted and content as well. Thank you as well to vanillasolitute for her endless supply of notes and comments and help, and all the effort she put into this, because let me tell you, I know this was a wild ride for all of us. I truly could not have done this without both of these people, and our readers support means the world to me. Thank you for going on this journey with us, and I truly, truly hope you love what this final chapter brings. <3

Ineverhadmyinternetphase: just to echo what insanityplays already said, this fic is the single biggest project I have worked on to date and I’m so, so proud of what we achieved. This never would have happened if Eliza hadn’t indulged me in writing a character just like me, and I will be forever grateful to her for giving me the space to explore identity in such a fascinating way. Equally, I’m so proud of the world we created, bringing together magical and fantastical elements into what I hope reads as a well-rounded story. The comments from you guys have made every upload so special and I’m thrilled to see so many people understanding and resonating with this kind of experience. It makes me feel so much less alone. Thank you to every single one of you from the bottom of my heart <3

Chapter Twenty-Two

“Three bottles of Caldrac, the tonic for Lily, and the butterbeer you were thinking about twenty minutes ago,” Phil said the moment that Dan walked through the door into his office about a week later, mouth open to ask for the items that Phil had already magicked his way. The butterbeer was Phil’s own recipe, something he’d made by accident one night when attempting to make a soufflé (and Dan had already made fun of him for messing that one up) but that Dan had come to love after he’d made sure it was safe to consume. From time to time, he’d ask Phil to make it, but most of the time, he’d think it so hard that Phil would make it for him anyway, sending it off to him either via his own magic, or by switching to his cat form and taking it downstairs.

Today, he was in his human form again, as he had been most of the last few days. The two still had plenty of grey days, but Phil’s were far less intense than Dan’s recently, and Dan hadn’t minded Phil being in his human form for the most part, so unless Phil was outside of the office or their house, he’d stayed human out of a sense of comfort.

“No need to thank me,” he teased, turning his gaze back to the time-sensitive potion he was currently brewing. It could, and would, blow up if Phil messed it up even by a second.

Dan snapped his mouth shut, staring at Phil with a mix of bemusement and happiness. In the end, he settled for a little exasperated sigh, folding his arms. “Yeah, right. If I don’t thank you, I’m never going to hear the end of it. Everything out of your mouth for the next decade will be, Oh, Dan, you have to do this thing because remember when I made you butterbeer and you didn’t say thank you?” Dan snorted, but there was affection in his tone and eyes as he regarded Phil.

He took a step closer, winding his hand around the mug and bringing it straight to his lips for an appreciative sip. On his way, he gently patted Phil’s hand. If he hadn’t been grey, he probably would’ve pulled Phil into a hug, maybe even kissed his cheek, but Dan had been getting steadily more grey throughout the day until now, and he felt much more comfortable without that kind of intensity.

He did moan a bit loud when he took a sip of the mug, though, and hummed happily as he grinned at Phil over the mug. “Okay, you win. Thank you very much, and as reward, you can go bring Lily her tonic. She loves you way more than me.”

Phil giggled as Dan teased him, knowing that the other male was right; if Dan didn’t speak up now, Phil was going to take advantage of his silence on the matter, and Dan would never hear the end of it. Phil’s favourite thing to do recently had definitely been to poke fun at Dan, and this was one of the easiest ways to do it, as it had taken a while for Dan to get with the program and realise that when Phil said “you don’t have to,” he really meant, “But if you don’t, I’ll hold it over your head.”

“Come on, Dan,” Phil argued. “You know I’m not like that,” he teased, watching as Dan picked up the mug Phil had prepared and drew it to lips, patting Phil’s hand lightly and letting Phil know that he was feeling particularly grey. The motion actually told Phil that his time as a human was up, now, and that it would be better for them both if he was in his cat form when he didn’t absolutely need to be human until Dan was feeling less grey.

Rolling his eyes at Dan’s backhanded thank you, Phil nodded nonetheless. “If you really want me to, I’ll go bring it to Lily,” he complained, drawing on Dan’s magic and taking the excuse to change forms by concentrating until he’d popped through the change and came back out the other end as the sleek black cat that Phil still felt most comfortable as.

Sweeping fondly against Dan’s legs as he walked past, the tonic floating neatly behind him, Phil rubbed his ear into Dan’s calf, and then sped past him with a quiet purr. “Feel free to stay up here,” he insisted, before he took his leave.

Dan snorted, placing his mug carefully back down again and giving Phil a little nudge before he returned to cat form. “You know as well as I do that you’re exactly like that,” he disagreed. “You’d never let me live it down.”

He sipped happily at his drink, sliding into the seat behind his desk as Phil changed forms and rubbed happily around his legs before disappearing with the tonic floating along behind him. Dan was getting more and more used to the sensation of Phil pinching a bit of his magic, and it felt kind of nice now, how the two of them melded together. Even when he was grey, Dan liked that.

He was looking forward to curling up later with Phil-cat sprawled across his lap. As much as he loved being held when he wasn’t grey, he also really loved Phil’s purrs. Still, he wouldn’t mind having a little bit of time to himself first, just to reorient his head after a busy day. Also, he felt kind of sweaty and gross after accidentally knocking into his venus fly-trap earlier and getting covered in soil, and he was itching for a long soak in the bath. He never felt completely comfortable doing that when Phil was in the house, though.

Feeling slightly awkward, but wanting to be honest, Dan nudged tentatively at the bond as he continued to sip at his butterbeer. Hey, I was kind of wanting to take a bath…are there other things you could do while you’re out before we cuddle later?

Phil had just dropped off the tonic with Lily when he felt a nudging sensation flood through their bond, and then Dan’s voice was there, hesitant and awkward and unsure. Phil had just been about ready to head back up to their house when the words hit him, and he frowned for a second before perking up and smiling, hoping that Dan would feel something akin to the sensation through the bond. Already, he’d changed course from heading back upstairs, and was making his way out of their store and out to PJ’s house.

Mara hadn’t been in the store again recently, and Phil was wondering if something was wrong. He’d been meaning to visit her for a while.

That’s fine. I’m going to go hang out with Mara, see how she’s doing, Phil agreed easily, sending good feelings through the bond to Dan and hoping it would calm him down. Just let me know when you want me home.

He had a feeling that Dan was going to need at least an hour.

Dan had never been more grateful to Phil than he was right in that moment. No sooner had he spoken the words, than he was getting flooded with soft feelings, gently reassuring him that Phil was fine, he understood, and he wasn’t offended. Dan had been blessed by a companion who understood the need for personal space, and occasional time alone. It meant more to Dan than he could say that Phil didn’t take it personally, but instead took it how it was meant.

You’re the best, he hummed happily back to Phil, answering the good feelings with a wriggle of his own happiness. I’ll be soaking for an hour or so, probably, need to get all this soil off me. Have fun with the raven. Dan couldn’t help the little hint of displeasure that accompanied that word - he just didn’t like the raven, okay? But he could handle Phil being friends with her, maybe. At least he was learning to curb his jealousy.

Dan happily made his way back down the stairs, locking up his office and checking on his shop floor before he headed up to his flat again. Everything was in order, exactly as it should be, and there were signs of Phil’s existence scattered everywhere by now; two plates in the sink rather than one, two creases on the sofa…three towels decorating the bathroom floor because Phil didn’t know how to clean up after a shower…

Dan shook his head with a fond smile, throwing them in the wash and collecting a fresh towel for himself, before he firmly closed and locked the bathroom door. He didn’t often spend time completely to himself anymore, and sometimes, he liked just having time to relax and be still. Plus, he could still feel Phil’s emotions fluctuating through the bond, and the reassurance that Phil was okay just made Dan even happier.

He started running the bath with a small smile on his face.

The trek to Mara’s house was always nice, especially when Phil knew that PJ wasn’t going to be around - he’d said something earlier about having plans for the night, but that Mara was home sick and would be around if Phil wanted to visit - making it easier to avoid interrupting any personal time they might be having. Dan wanting some alone time really couldn’t have come at a better time, especially considering that Phil really was quite worried about his friend, and so he was thinking on how he could cheer her up as he wandered through the streets of the city he’d once nearly destroyed.

That felt so long ago now. There had a been a time when Phil couldn’t even think about what he’d done without wanting to throw up, and now he was able to wander the streets peacefully without having to pop from place to place via his magic. It was nicer this way anyway, and allowed for Phil to actually get some fresh air and a change of scenery. It was nice scenery as well - ever since Phil had released himself of the guilt of what he’d done and started to wander the town he now lived in, he’d come to find it incredibly beautiful.

He could not be any more pleased that it was safe and not destroyed now, that Phil was alive to see it.

The closer Phil got to the raven’s home, however, the more his sense of dread began to build. Familiars were quite attuned to each other, and Phil had felt unease prickling at him for days, weeks even, but never as intense as it was bothering him now.

Suddenly, Phil wished he’d thought to check in on his friend much sooner than now. There was a pit in his stomach that something was really, really wrong, and then he was turning the corner onto Mara’s street and realised there was smoke coming out of one of the windows.

Had he existed in any other world than this, Phil might have been terrified by the sight, possibly even assuming the worst, but he knew Mara was a familiar and that strong emotions could sometimes make her magic go out of control. That knowledge allowed Phil to merely pause and watch with trepidation in his heart until the smoke quite suddenly and impressively disappeared. Phil let out a sigh of relief at that, because it meant, if nothing else, Mara was still very much in control. That was a good sign, even though nothing else was, and suddenly, PJ not coming home that night made a lot more sense.

Mara was clearly hurting, and Phil hated himself a little bit for having taken so long to notice. He didn’t know what was going on with her, but it was more than obvious it had to do with her witch. Most things when it came to familiars had to do with their witches, the only person in their lives they cared about more than anything else.

Phil sighed. His heart ached for his friend. He’d noticed over the last few weeks that something was off, but he hadn’t put two and two together until now, too locked up in his own flourishing relationship with Dan to pay attention to his friend, and for all that he felt bad about it, he was going to do everything in his power to make up for it now.

And that started with getting up to Mara’s apartment and having a good old fashioned talk with her.

Choosing to forego his usual niceties, Phil channeled his magic the way Dan had taught him, rather than acting on instinct alone, and popped himself into the living room of the home he most wanted to visit.

Mara was in a frightful state when he arrived. The second Phil set eyes on her, his heart lurched, because her feathers were a mess and she was molting. The only thing that could cause such a thing would be her mood being far worse than Phil had ever even anticipated, and for a moment, he was too stunned to do anything.

He’d so rarely seen familiars in such a horrid state, their feathers, fur, or skin lacking that shine that Phil’s fur kept, lacking that delightful aura of magic shared between both witch and familiar, and their bodies beginning to deteriorate until they appeared nothing short of sick. Mara appeared sick. Mara had clearly been suffering for a long, long time, and Phil hated himself in that moment for not being there, for not noticing when Mara stopped showing up to work with PJ, when PJ stopped going home.

Where she was sat only added to the horrible image before him. Her small body was shaking on the bare floor of a blackened kitchen, the wreckage of countertops, storage space, and food littering the area around her in a perfect circle of destruction.

It was absolutely pitiful, and Phil’s heart broke for her.

Not wanting to startle the raven who clearly hadn’t noticed his approach yet, Phil took a cautious step forward and let out a pitiful little meow. “Mara?” he added, the call quiet and uncertain.

Slowly, the raven turned to Phil with dark, beady eyes, her wings fluttering uselessly at her sides, like she was uncertain whether or not she should be upset right now. It took a moment, but Phil was able to recognise the sheen of tears in her eyes, and let out a small whimper of his own.

“Mara,” he said again, this time even more quietly, and fell into a sitting position, making his body small and compact so he’d appear as less of a threat. “I’m sorry,” he added, and lowered his gaze.

Mara cawed at him, and hopped over, her legs frail and her wings useless, until she huddled right alongside Phil’s long form. Slowly, she collapsed, her beak landing on top of Phil’s head, where his ears twitched against her, and her wings pressing achingly into his fur.

“Hello, Phil,” she greeted, and her voice was gravelly and sad, heartbroken.

Phil whined again for her, and rolled over, eyes closing as he lay on his side for Mara, who collapsed fully on him until they were both just laying down, curled up together, just beyond the remains of a tattered kitchen.

“I’m sorry,” Phil said again, not expecting a response. He didn’t get one, and he started to purr gently instead, the sound as steady and quiet as he could make it in a raw attempt to soothe her.

An hour passed before they spoke again, and it was Mara who pulled away, inviting Phil to the sofa with her. For the very first time, Mara changed form in front of Phil, and a beautiful dark-skinned lady appeared in front of him, hair nearly as dark as Phil’s but done up in beautiful braids. Her eyes were red-rimmed and she was sniffling, but there was a sad kind of smile pulling at the corners of her lips.

“Well, here I am,” she greeted, to which Phil stopped and stared up at her, debating whether or not he should change forms as well. It wasn’t until the tears started to fall faster and faster down her cheeks, face crumpling in pain, that Phil transformed entirely on instinct, taking on his human features and reaching for the girl he’d known since childhood instantly. She was in his arms before he knew it, burying her face in the crook of his neck where only Dan had ever touched before. Phil couldn’t help hoping that Dan wouldn’t mind as he wrapped his arms securely around his friend while she bunched her fingers into the front of his shirt, crying steadily and heartbreakingly against Phil’s ear.

“Oh Mara,” he whispered, and held her tighter still, burying his own face into her hair and hugging her for as long as she needed.

It turned out that was less than a few minutes as she pulled herself together and then quite suddenly dragged herself out of Phil’s arms, wiping impatiently at her eyes and shaking herself a little.

“Sorry, sorry,” she insisted, sounding angry at herself. “I promised myself I wouldn’t do this, I just-”. She didn’t finish her sentence, instead inhaling sharply and biting down so hard on her lips that Phil thought she was going to make herself bleed.

“Mara, please,” he whispered, and went to reach for her. Mara shook her head, opening her eyes and letting her lip go all at one time.

“Please don’t,” she replied back.

“Okay,” Phil said instantly, and put his hands up in front of himself cautiously. Mara was eyeing him, clearly terrified, and it only made Phil’s heart ache more because he didn’t understand what she was terrified of.

With another small whimper, Mara collapsed on the sofa behind her, and curled up in the corner, legs drawn tight to her chest as she wrapped her arms around them to keep them close. Tentatively, Phil followed her lead, sitting at the far end of the same sofa and staring at her with kind eyes.

They were quiet, again.

“Mara?” Phil eventually asked, He didn’t reach for her again, but he was sorely tempted. She was staring with glassy eyes at the far corner of the room, and it terrified Phil to see her look so empty. “Mara, hey. Please. Talk to me?” he offered once more.

Mara shook her head.

“Please, Mara. Please. You know you can tell me anything. It doesn’t help to hold it in. You need to talk about your feelings. Is this about PJ?”

The name seeme to snap something in Mara, because she was crying again before Phil knew it, sobbing into her knees, her small frame shaking from her position on the sofa. Feeling absolutely useless, Phil could only stare, eyes pleading with her to just look at him.

“He’s leaving me!” Mara eventually burst out with, her chest heaving with held back emotion as she tore her arms away from herself and stood up to start pacing. “He’s leaving me, and it’s all because I can’t give him what he wants!” she wailed, and then she was shoving her face into her hands all over again, shoulders shaking as she came to a halt in front of Phil.

Still too afraid to go against her wishes and reach out to touch, Phil merely stared at her.

“Mara,” he whispered, biting his bottom lip.

She inhaled sharply, and clearly made an effort to pull herself together. Phil wanted to tell her no, stop, let it out, but he held himself back, watching her struggle to come to terms with what she was saying.

When she didn’t speak again for some time, Phil tentatively spoke up.

“What do you mean, he’s leaving you? What aren’t you giving him? Mara, you’re soulmates, I -”

“Don’t you think I know that?!” Mara practically screeched, whirling on Phil with a dark frown etched deep on her features. “And stop looking at me like that!” she insisted, her pain turning to anger so quickly that Phil heard another explosion come from the kitchen.

He jumped, startled, only for Mara to flick an impatient hand in the direction of the accidental burst of magic, and wave it away.

Phil didn’t see what had caught on fire, or what had been destroyed this time, but he did see the smoke quickly clear.

“Mara,” he tried to say, but she cut him off before he could continue.

“Don’t, Phil. Don’t act like - don’t act like just because everything is perfect with you and Dan right now that you can offer me any sort of advice. I’ve been at this game far longer than you have, don’t you think I know what PJ and I are? Don’t you think I know better than you what it is to be a witch’s familiar? You’re so young and naïve -” her voice cracked and she suddenly started to cry again, shoulders shaking with the held back emotion.

Phil knew she didn’t meant that. Phil knew she was just upset. But the words still hurt, they still stung. Still, this was his friend, and he wasn’t going to leave her just because she’d said a few cruel words to him.

“Mara, don’t talk like that. Just because you’ve been doing this longer doesn’t mean I can’t help. You can’t just be alone in this,” he insisted, his voice pleading. Mara hardly seemed to be listening though, chuckling darkly and tossing her head as more tears careened down her cheeks.

“You don’t get it, Phil,” she dismissed, but Phil wasn’t having it.

“So then, tell me!” he insisted, “Because I’m not just going to leave you to suffer this on your own!”

With a frustrated whine, Mara threw her hands up, and just like that, all the lightbulbs in the apartment went out in a loud burst of shattering glass, and they were both left blind.

For all of a second, Phil panicked, heart beating fast in his chest. The fear was all too real, but he did his best to reign it back in and started to reach for his magic, drawing on its strength as he tried to get the lights to come back on again. His heart was racing, and he could hear Mara crying, and he wanted to do something, but she’d basically told him not to touch her again. The lights wouldn’t go back on, though, like something heavy was weighing on them all, and then Phil heard the sound of Mara’s body shuffling frighteningly close - until she was sat directly in his lap.

The lights went back on then, purely from Phil’s fear, from the uncomfortable feeling radiating through him at having anyone in his lap like this. He went to reach for Mara, to shove her off, but she got there first, reaching for Phil’s face and grasping hard at his cheeks before he could stop her.

“I just don’t understand!” she wailed, shaking Phil and staring at him far too close for comfort, her body hot and soft and wrong against his.

“Mara - Mara, I don’t -”

“I don’t - I don’t want the same things as him, but I’m supposed to! And I don’t understand! He hates me, Phil, he hates me! What if I’m not meant to be his familiar, what if I made a mistake? I just - I don’t… I don’t know what to do,” she wailed, and held onto Phil’s face even tighter than before.

Phil’s hands were frozen at his sides, but his skin was prickling uncomfortably and he wanted nothing more than to shove this person off of him. Everything about this felt wrong, sexual in nature, uncomfortable. He’d never been touched like this by anyone but Dan, and he’d never known how disgusting it could make him feel.

“Mara, please,” Phil whimpered, staring up at her with begging eyes because he didn’t even want to touch her, not like this. Not when she was in his lap. As a hug, sure, as a cat, fine, but not like this.

Mara cried harder.

“Even you don’t want me!” she whined, squeezing her eyes shut with a loud wail of pain that Phil did not understand. “What’s wrong with me!?” she asked, but Phil didn’t even know what was wrong, and then, quite suddenly, Mara’s face was even closer than before until she was gasping in Phil’s face, snot and tears dripping onto his skin, lips far too close to his own for comfort.

“Why don’t I want this?” she asked, and tried to kiss him.

Something erupted from Phil then, and he panicked, magic bursting out of him in a way it hadn’t in ages. Before he could stop himself, he was flinging Mara across the room and out of his lap, standing up abruptly and curling into himself with the sudden, desperate desire to get out of there.

He was frozen in place, though, shocked and scared and staring at Mara with wide, terrified eyes.

She cried harder, then, from where she’d fallen on her bum practically across the living room.

“I just don’t understand! I didn’t even want to kiss you!” she wailed, and shook on the ground. “You have it so easy, being all gross and in love. I bet it’s easy for you to kiss Dan!” she complained, and turned hostile, wet eyes onto Phil. “You have it so, so fucking easy, Phil!”

But Phil just shook his head.

“You don’t know anything about our relationship, Mara!” Phil shouted instantly, heart racing and dreadfully hurt by her words. This wasn’t even something he felt comfortable talking about, not when it had taken him so long to come to terms with and understand his own wants and desires from Dan.

Mara laughed humorlessly at him, shaking her head.

“Is that why you wouldn’t kiss me, then? Because you haven’t gotten to that part, yet?” she asked, and laughed again. “God, you really are naïve. Just wait, Phil. One day, down the road, your witch is going to want nothing but sex and kisses from you, and then where will you be? Right here with me.”

Phil blanched, mouth screwing up in pain.

“Mara, that’s not fair,” he complained. “That’s not how it has to be.”

“And how would you know, Phil? Have you ever even kissed your witch? That’s exactly how it’s meant to be,” she shot back, venomous as more tears streaked down her cheeks and she finally climbed back up onto her feet.

“You’re meant to share everything with your witch, give him everything he needs. Don’t you know that means your body too? Not just your heart, not just your soul - no, that’s not enough. He’ll take everything from you Phil, and there’s nothing that you’ll ever be able to do about it. And if you don’t give that to him, don’t give him sex and blowjobs and anything else that he asks of you, then he’s just going to leave and get it from somewhere else!” she spat.

Phil’s heart hurt. He wanted to cry even more than before, and his mind was swirling with such mixed emotions that he didn’t know what to do. On the one hand, he knew that Mara was wrong, knew that what she was saying was coming from a place of hurt and misunderstanding on her own part, but the words hit home, hit every insecurity that Phil had ever had about Dan and then some. He knew that she was projecting her own situation onto Phil, knew nothing of Dan and Phil’s relationship, and yet it still struck him until all he could feel was panic that somehow, someway, she was right.

“I’m broken,” she wailed, and suddenly, she was crying again.

“I can’t love him like that, and he hates me for it.”

Doing his damned best to pull himself together, Phil shook his head and bit his lip.

“Not - not every familiar has to be in love with their witch. Not every pair want to be… want that kind of soulmate,” he insisted with a determined shake of his head.

“Yes they do!” Mara shouted over him, rushing at him like she was going to attack him.

Phil yelped and took a terrified step back, but she didn’t touch him again.

“Yes they do!” she said again. “And the sooner you realise that, the better!”

But Phil wasn’t having any of that. He might not fully understand what he and Dan had together, didn’t fully understand what he was or why he didn’t want the things that appeared so normal to the rest of the world, but if there was one thing he was certain of, it was that Mara had to be wrong.

So he stood up straight and he turned and he faced her with the deadliest expression he could manage.

“No, you’re wrong. And the sooner you realise that, the better!” he growled, towering over her and watching her cower. “You’re just too scared to talk to your witch, too scared to find out that you’re different from what the world taught you that you should be. But the familiar’s wants and desires matter too, and if your witch is the right witch, then there is no doubt in my mind that they’ll want the exact same things as you do! You don’t have to give PJ any of that, and he shouldn’t ask you for that, and that’s okay. He’s still yours, and he’s still your soulmate, and you’re still the number one person in his life!”

Phil’s chest was heaving by the time he was done, and Mara was staring up at him in absolute awe and pain.

“Talk to your witch, Mara, and stop letting society dictate to you what’s right and what’s wrong.”

Phil didn’t stick around a second longer, revulsion still crawling under his skin at the way it had felt to have Mara touching him, in his lap, leaning forward to kiss him. In an instant, he was popping back home with tears of his own in his eyes, because for everything that he’d said to Mara… he was terrified that in some ways, he was wrong.

Was it really normal to not want to have sex with your witch, to not want to be intimate in that way? Was it really normal to love them one day, and love them the next?

Dan had been relaxing in the bath for almost an hour, happy, until things started to go sour the way they always did if he was left alone for too long. Dan knew his own tendency to get lost in his head, and years of living alone had taught him mostly how to handle it so he wouldn’t end up caught in a dark cycle that had left him on the floor one too many times. As soon as his thoughts started to drift, though, Dan was up and out of the bath, reaching for some happy music to play on his phone while he towelled himself dry.

Dan’s lips twitched when one particular song came on his playlist. Phil had added this one. There had been a delightful afternoon, early on in them learning about living together, when Phil had seen Dan using his phone for the first time and nearly had a heart attack when music sounded from it. Dan had laughed, until Phil whacked him with a paw and yowled at him to explain. Since then, Phil had grown all but captivated by the little device, and he was forever sneaking it away from Dan and adding to the playlist some of his own favourite songs.

This was one of those, some dancey number that Dan wouldn’t personally have chosen. It was a bit… bright, for his tastes. That fit Phil, though, with Phil being the much brighter side of Dan’s soft but sometimes sad demeanour. He couldn’t help but smile as he dressed himself in his pyjamas to the happy little song.

He was just settling down in the living room and flicking on a new episode of the show he and Phil had started watching together when the first ripple of bad echoed through the bond.

Dan sat straight up in an instant. He’d been trying to get better at paying more attention to the bond, especially when they were apart, and so at the first sign of trouble he was diving straight into it and nudging his way into Phil’s eyes, the way Phil had shown him how to do. He couldn’t sense any of Phil’s actual thoughts this way, but he could see and hear everything that Phil saw and heard.

There was a strange woman in front of him, a woman that Dan had never seen before, but he gathered from the fact that they were in PJ’s house that it must be the raven. Dan flinched, almost withdrawing - there was something kind of wrong about seeing the human form of someone else’s familiar - but before he knew it, she was speaking cruel, harsh, false words, and Phil was recoiling and reprimanding her.

But something worse was still to come. As Dan watched through horrified eyes, Mara approached Phil and actually sat on him, on his lap, making herself far too comfortable there for his preference. Jealousy flared in Dan, along with something very close to outrage, especially because he could feel through the bond echoes of Phil’s own discomfort, entirely separate from Dan’s.

Phil didn’t want her there any more than Dan did.

But from there, things only got worse. Mara’s words cut deep, her obvious turmoil disappearing in favour of the pain she caused. Dan felt it lance through him, piercing right to his deepest fears until he was tottering back down onto the sofa cushions, his eyes wide.

She… she wasn’t right, was she?

Dan had always feared that he wouldn’t be enough. If he was completely honest with himself, a big reason why he’d shut himself out of the world of familiars had been from a deep-seated fear that something was just… wrong with him. That he was missing out on something, that he wasn’t good enough as he was. He’d been running from those fears for as long as he could remember, and the easiest way had been to just cut himself off from other people. PJ aside, because PJ had seemed to understand him on some level, but the raven had always kept her distance.

…Could this be why?

If Dan was reading her words right, and he was still reeling, then maybe she’d been fearing the same things he had this whole time. She’d rarely gone anywhere without PJ by her side, and never spoken to Dan alone. Dan had always assumed it was because she’d had some sense that something was wrong with him, but what if, really, she feared the same things he did? What if she’d avoided him because he reminded her too much of herself?

Dan’s mind was running away with itself, but he forced himself to concentrate, to keep linked to Phil and not run away in his own mind. His instincts were to lock himself out of Phil and run away, especially as he’d been feeling grey all day, but a stronger, bigger part of him knew that wasn’t the right reaction. That whatever he might be thinking, Mara was wrong.

Phil had proved that, after all. Phil agreed with Dan about space, wanted (and didn’t want) all the same things as Dan. They matched perfectly, and things had been so good lately. Dan had finally started to feel accepted, finally begun to believe that nothing was wrong with him after all. All he’d been missing out on was Phil, and now he had Phil in every possible way he wanted him, and everything was perfect. They had their own system for caring for each other’s needs, and neither of them wanted anything else.

Dan clung to that, clung to the soft memories he’d made with Phil, and shoved away any and all of Mara’s poisonous words. She was wrong. She was. And she’d touched his Phil in a way Phil clearly hadn’t wanted her to, and Dan needed to fix that as quickly as possible, to wipe away any and all traces of herself that she’d shoved onto Phil. Anger curled through Dan even at the thought.

No, there was no way he was listening to anything she said ever again.

Dan got straight back up to his feet, wanting nothing more than to reach for Phil and remind him that Mara was wrong, that the rules didn’t apply to them. He didn’t have long to wait, either, as almost immediately Phil was popping suddenly into existence in a way that still made Dan jump, and then he was standing in the middle of Dan’s floor in human form, just kind of hovering there and making little hiccupy noises.

Dan swallowed back his greyness in favour of striding forward and pulling Phil into a close hug. He always enjoyed cuddling, anyway, whether he was grey or not, and he knew Phil would never push the boundaries beyond what he was comfortable with, so Dan simply tucked Phil’s head into his neck and held him tight, offering what little comfort he could.

“She’s wrong,” Dan promised softly, hoping Phil wouldn’t be mad that he’d kind of been spying on their conversation. “We don’t have to be like that. She’s wrong.”

Phil hated crying more than he hated anything else in the world. His throat would close up, and his nose got all stuffy, and he couldn’t seem to get rid of the choked up sounds he’d make when he really got going. He didn’t cry like that all that often, but he could feel the sensation starting to crawl into his throat already, and before he knew it, he was making small, choked, hiccupy noises as his hands clenched into fists at his sides, the tears already started to drip down his face.

There was just so much. The feeling of Mara touching him still ached under his skin, and his heart was racing so fast in his chest because what if she was right? What if, one day, Dan decided he did want those things that Phil didn’t want, and what if one day he went out and found someone who did, the way Mara seemed to be afraid PJ was doing to him?

It wasn’t fair, and right then, Phil was more angry at Mara than he wanted to be. He was supposed to be there for her right now, but he couldn’t be when he was freaking out because of what she’d said to him. Phil was so, so tired of people trying to dictate how his life was going to be - the familiars back at home, society here, and now even his only true friend. It wasn’t fair, and everything she’d said still hurt more than Phil could say, even when he knew she hadn’t meant any of it at all. It was obvious to him she was just reacting, and she could hardly be blamed for doing just that, but that didn’t change the way she’d left him to feel.

Before Phil knew it, Dan was drawing him into his arms, cradling Phil’s head to chest and speaking words of comfort into his ear, voice low and comforting and kind. It didn’t even register to Phil what he was saying for a minute, he was so taken by surprise that Dan was holding him at all when he knew his witch had been feeling grey that day, that his witch had been waiting to cuddle Phil as a cat rather than a human, but when he did register the words, he let out a horrified wail and really began to cry.

He couldn’t hold it back anymore when Dan was holding him like this, when Dan was loving him like this and trying to keep him safe and cared for. He wailed into Dan’s chest, and just kind of held him back, because he couldn’t understand why no one seemed to validate what he had with Dan when it was just as good as whatever people considered a traditional tale of romance.

Mara was wrong. Phil had everything, right here and now, and nothing was going to change… right?

Phil just wanted to be normal, and he didn’t feel normal. He didn’t want people dictating his life anymore, and as much as he’d wanted to be there for Mara when she was not okay, he couldn’t face it when she wanted to drag Phil down with her.

Dan wrapped his arms tighter around Phil, his heart breaking at the broken wail Phil made as he pressed his head into Dan’s chest. Dan cradled him close, gently stroking through his hair with one hand and making soothing noises, his other hand wrapped tight around Phil’s waist. This much close contact was a bit much for him, if he was honest, especially with Phil still being human, but at the same time Dan could overcome his momentary shudder in favour of making sure Phil was okay.

Was Phil okay, though? He was clutching tight to Dan and wailing, and the bond was filled with sadness and confusion and so much hurt. Dan just wanted to take it all away. He’d punch that stupid raven next time he saw her for making his Phil feel like this, like there was something wrong with them when honestly, Dan couldn’t imagine ever being happier. Never mind the fact that she’d forced herself on him.

Dan was furious. He was furious with the way Mara had come along and forced all these problems into their relationship right when things were finally starting to be ok. Dan had started to dare to be happy with Phil. He liked that they ironed out their own boundaries, that they were building this beautiful thing where they could each get just as much contact as they wanted, no more and no less. He felt loved by Phil, and he loved Phil in return, and wasn’t that really what all this was supposed to be about? Shouldn’t that be the most important thing? Why did Mara have to force something, and how dare she try and force herself onto Phil just because Phil wasn’t going after those sorts of things?

Plus, Mara had dared to presume things about their relationship that just weren’t true. Dan flinched when he remembered how she’d screamed that one day Dan was going to hurt Phil, that he’d only want Phil for his body. That couldn’t be further from the truth, and he shuddered and held Phil tighter against him even at the thought.

What they had already was perfect. Dan would be damned if he let some stupid raven get in the way of their happiness. He was going to figure it out, why he and Phil were so different to the rest of the world. No matter what it took, he’d figure it out, for Phil’s sake, so that Phil didn’t have to go through this anymore.

“We’re going to be okay,” Dan promised quietly, his voice a low rumble against Phil’s ear. “All that matters is that we’re both happy, and I literally could not be happier with you, Phil.”

It had been less than six days since the last time they’d had to have this conversation, less than six days since Phil had thought he was okay, and now the same conversation they’d already had to have once was being forced down Phil’s throat to be had again, and he hated it. He hated constantly being made to question whether or not what he had with Dan was right and okay and good. He knew he shouldn’t be letting Mara get into his head like this, but he couldn’t help it when he already felt so insecure.

The other problem was how badly Phil needed comfort, knowing as he did that right now, Dan was feeling grey and wouldn’t normally be wanting to hold Phil in this form at all. He felt terrible for making Dan hold him right then, but he couldn’t bring himself to pull away when his chest hurt so much and he felt so hollow. He felt so hollow as he sobbed, the sounds hiccuping and loud, but everything was just wrong, and Mara had been touching him in ways that Phil never wanted anyone to touch him ever again - except maybe Dan, but even Dan wouldn’t mean it with the intent that Mara had. All Phil could really do right now was hope that Dan did not hate him for this.

He promised himself that as soon as he had himself more under control, he would pull himself together and switch forms for Dan, because the last thing he wanted to do was make this all messy for Dan when Dan was in a mood as it was. Dan never pushed Phil, and Phil would never push Dan in return.

“I love you,” Phil said, and he could hear himself that there was something in his voice far different to normal, that he meant the words in a very different way than normal. He almost wanted to take them back, but he couldn’t, choking on the very thought. “I just. Don’t want anyone to dictate how I should feel anymore. I’m scared that one day I’m going to turn around and even you - even you think we should be different. I never expected this when I came to your world. I never expected things to be… different.”

Dan leaned back to meet Phil’s eyes, slowly and carefully, because he didn’t want to surprise Phil with any sudden unwanted intimacy. But at the same time, this was important for them to iron out. Dan could see how much this issue was affecting them, and he hated it, but clearly they needed some added clarification and some definite idea of exactly what they were to each other for this to ever work out.

This was hurting Phil, and that meant Dan would never be okay with it.

“I love you too,” Dan answered, the same fierce intensity behind his words as there was when Phil said them. It felt like they were on another level, but it was the only right level - it was the only way Dan could express just what Phil was to him. Phil was his other half, the one who fulfilled him, the one who made his life warm and happy and better.

“I love you, Phil,” Dan said again, and he lifted one thumb to wipe away some of the tears under Phil’s eyes. Although this was intimate, it was on a different level - not romantic, no, this was so much more than romantic. It was a completely different plane, one where Phil was everything to Dan, and Dan could be everything to him, too. “No one has to dictate how we are around each other, Phil, literally the only thing that could ever matter is how we feel. And I love you, I love you so much.”

He drew back, then, releasing Phil from his hold but keeping one hand held tightly in his, because he could tell that Phil needed it right then. Perhaps he needed the reassurance that Dan really was happy with this, that Dan was never going to want something other. What they had was everything to him already.

Phil couldn’t even begin to describe what he was feeling as Dan drew away from his slowly, staring into Phil’s eyes and saying I love you with the same intensity that Phil had said it, with the same strength and meaning and energy as Phil had given him, reaching down to grab both of Phil’s hands in his as he said it again, brown eyes boring into Phil’s. There was a warmth and energy there that put Phil at ease, at least for now, and at least enough to make him feel like he really was going to be okay. Dan loved him, and whatever this was, was so much more than whatever Mara had been talking about when she’d asked Phil if he’d ever fallen in love.

This was… this was an entirely different thing, on an entirely different plane of existence, that meant so much more than anything Phil had ever seen anyone else have on TV. If all love was was what was on TV, then Phil didn’t want it. He wanted this.

As Dan spoke, Phil couldn’t help tearing up some more, the tears dripping down his cheeks as he listened and tried to hold back those wailing sobs that were welling in him again. This time, this time it was more than fear and sadness, it was gratefulness that someone could love him so much, and could want him to be happy so much, that they could reassure him in this. Dan had to be getting tired of this, not to mention he was probably feeling too grey for this, and yet Phil could not appreciate him more than he did in that moment.

“Come with me,” Dan said, voice commanding. “I’m getting my laptop, and we’re looking this up. And don’t fight me,” he forestalled Phil’s objections with a raised brow, “Because I know you said you don’t want someone else’s opinion, but this has upset you for too long and I won’t have it. We’re going to find out that there is nothing wrong with us, once and for all. Because there isn’t. There’s nothing wrong with you, Phil, and you aren’t missing out on anything. Other than a witch who’s a bit better at talking about their feelings than I am,” Dan confessed with a small wink, his hand still tight in Phil’s.

Phil’s breathing hitched when Dan pulled away from him though, and he almost protested when Dan insisted they go and look up what they were experiencing, but Dan’s words stopped him cold in his tracks until he was left staring at Dan with a stunned awe at the power and control in his witch’s words.

The tension was broken by Dan winking, and Phil coughed out a half-laugh, half-sob, following the other male as he steered Phil back over to the sofa and forced him to sit down. Immediately afterwards, he was off to get his laptop, and Phil was left to his own thoughts.

All he could really do was hope that Dan was right, and that there really was nothing wrong with him, that he wasn’t missing anything and that he was right. Mara had to be wrong. What Phil had with Dan felt like so much more, felt so much better. He shoved his face in his hands, and just kind of let himself cry.

When Dan reappeared with his laptop, it was to find Phil sitting curled up on the sofa with his head in his hands and his shoulders shaking. Dan’s heart tore a bit again. As soon as he could, he had his laptop open and loading and an arm around Phil, settling next to him on the sofa and pulling until he had Phil leaning completely against him.

“I promise it’s okay,” Dan murmured, though he thought Phil already knew that. The issue wasn’t that Dan and Phil felt okay, the issue was that everyone in the world kept telling them they shouldn’t. Well, Dan was going to prove them all wrong. Especially that stupid raven.

Pressing a quick kiss to the top of Phil’s head, Dan didn’t remove his arm once his laptop finally loaded. He just used his weaker right hand to open up a search engine, the fingers of his left rubbing soothingly against Phil’s shoulder.

It was then that Dan realised he actually didn’t have any idea what to type.

He paused for a moment, trying to think of a way to word this without instantly cringing or getting completely grossed out. In the end, he settled on typing in ‘relationship not romantic not sexual’, and took a deep breath before hitting enter.

The results that flashed up took his breath away.

At first, he’d been scared that he’d be met with nothing but ridicule and laughter, or websites that were trying to 'fix’ the 'problem’. What he got instead was a plethora of sites that suggested new words with new definitions, things he’d never heard of before that seemed to describe a whole new world; one he fit in with much better.

Dan nudged Phil gently, clicking on a link with word definitions and pointing to it with his chin. “Phil, look. Look at this, we’re not the only ones.” The list ranged through a whole host of words Dan had never heard of before, things like asexual and aceflux and demisexual and aromantic and queerplatonic. Although the sheer number of new definitions was a little overwhelming, Dan was already excited, because this was exactly what Phil needed.

Reassurance that they weren’t alone.

Phil’s worst fear had always been that he’d spend his whole life alone. When you lived in a world where most of your companions concern was finding and knowing how to be with their witch, there wasn’t much room to form close bonds. In fact, most of the other familiars that Phil knew, he knew very little about other than their thoughts and dreams for the future. Once a familiar found their witch, they often ceased to exist to the other familiars, and it was completely normal, but Phil had always hated it - always hated feeling so alone in the world while he waited to find Dan.

Now, that fear was only growing, becoming all consuming as Dan wrapped his arm around Phil’s shoulders and dragged him in, fingers tracing loving, reassuring designs into Phil’s skin. This embrace should make him feel happy, but all he could feel was anger at himself that he was making Dan hold him when his witch was feeling so grey as it was. The last thing Phil had ever wanted to do was to push Dan into something he couldn’t handle at any given point in time, but Phil didn’t have the strength to pull away or even attempt to change his form, because his heart hurt and he needed to feel human right now.

He just wanted to fit in, to have a community and people who loved him just the way he was. Phil was tired of changing, of thinking he had to be different than what he was to fit into some kind preformed box the world had created for him, be it the familiars of his world, or the movies of this world.

So when Dan nudged at him, and said that they weren’t alone, Phil opened his eyes slowly, not knowing if this was something he could truly believe.

And yet it was there, sat right on the screen, in bold letters: words and definitions, forums that made Phil’s stomach churn to even see. There were so many words, so many definitions, so many labels that Phil didn’t even want to learn, but his eyes kept flashing over people begging for help, and terms that described what Phil had been feeling for months now as Dan slowly scrolled down the page, just letting Phil’s eyes dart about everywhere as he tried to take it all in.

Ace, Aro, flux, queerplatonic, okay. Phil was okay. No one could take this away from him or invalidate him, because he was okay.

Slowly, Phil turned a wet gaze up to Dan and just stared at him.

“So I’m okay?” he whispered. “We’re okay? And you’re not - you’re not gonna wake up and want to leave me one day?”

Dan kept his gaze constantly on Phil, watching the way his eyes widened as he took in the words on Dan’s laptop screen. The shock and sheer hope on his face was enough to convince Dan that this had been the right thing to do - that Phil needed this, needed to see they weren’t the only ones. Whether they picked out definite labels or not didn’t matter, it just mattered that they weren’t alone.

Dan, too, was a little happier when he saw that they weren’t the only ones. It had never bothered him, not really, to be different, but there was a strange new comfort in seeing it in black and white.

He met Phil’s eyes and winced, because Phil really had believed there was something wrong with him, hadn’t he? He’d really believed that Dan could just decide to up and leave him one day, when the complete opposite was true. Dan tried to think of it, to think of pushing Phil out of his life, and he shuddered. The bond tugged on him endlessly, and he welcomed it. His days of loneliness were long over and he couldn’t imagine ever going back, not anymore.

“Phil,” Dan answered softly, “Of course I’m not going to leave you. When I think of my future, I think of…us. Making potions, figuring out new ways to use our magic, the look on your face when you try new food for the first time, the way it feels when I manage to make you laugh. Knowing I could turn around at any minute and you’d be right there. That’s all I want, Phil.”

He reached out to cup Phil’s cheek, gently, not leaning in, instead just holding them both together. “We’re always connected, and you’re the best person in the entire universe. Why on earth would I ever want something different to this?”

Phil was left staring and blinking at Dan, heart swelling with so much emotion, eyes prickling with more unshed tears. It was just that he’d never thought that any of this was going to happen - the confusion, the heartbreak, the fear - when he’d come to Earth. He’d just thought that everything would slot into place, and that Dan, and him, or his body, and Dan’s instincts, would tell them what to do. So far, that hadn’t happened. So far, they’d both had to muddle through this like two very confused idiots, figuring out what they wanted rather than just listening to what the world said they should - and while that was technically good, it was so much harder. So much harder, because it had left Phil with the sense that something was wrong with him, and that he wasn’t doing this right, and that one day someone who did know what they were doing would come along and steal Dan right out from under him.

But no, Dan was promising Phil that when he thought of a future, he thought of one with Phil there. He thought of things the way they were, with both men happy and content with the way things were, working together and trying new things, and always, always making each other laugh and happy and keeping each other there.

Phil was an idiot. Why had he spent so much time letting other people’s world views taint his own when Dan had always been right there, willing and ready to promise himself to Phil in every way?

“I’m scared I’m not enough,” Phil whispered, then, getting to the heart of the matter, because how could Dan promise himself to Phil when he felt like this? “I’m so scared I’m not giving you everything you need. I don’t know what’s wrong with Mara and PJ, but she scared me today because they aren’t even together anymore. What if that happens to us? I just. Can you - can we look at all this? Can you show me what you feel, and I can show you what I feel? Maybe… maybe if we understand it better I’ll feel safer…” he mumbled, trailing off, unsure.

Dan’s first instinct was to jump right in there and tell Phil that of course he was enough, of course there was nothing wrong with him and Dan could never want anything else in life. Hell, Dan hadn’t even wanted this at first, because this had been too much for him. The thought of ever wanting anything more was completely crazy.

But that wasn’t what Phil needed to hear. Phil needed something more concrete, something more definite, so he’d feel safe and sure and secure in the knowledge that he was already giving Dan everything he wanted and more. Dan could give him that.

“Of course,” he answered finally, and turned back to the laptop, pulling up the definitions sheet again. “Let’s - I know, how about this? We could both make lists, using this as a guide,” he waved a hand at the screen, “Make a list of what we want, what we would maybe be okay with, and what we definitely don’t want. Then we can compare lists and see how well we match up. Does that sound good?” He turned to Phil with a small smile, eyes focused. “It’s important that you know how much I need you.”

Phil was shaking, which he was pretty sure was silly all things considered, as Dan regarded him for a moment before turning back to his laptop with a prompt “Of course,” clicking around until he’d come back to the page full of definitions - there was an overwhelming amount of them, and the sight of them both made Phil’s insides tremble in glee and in terror that there was so much there. Already, his eyes had scanned over words and phrases that felt right, but he was still afraid that nothing was going to fit and that he was going to find out that he really wasn’t what Dan wanted, despite Dan’s reassurances that he was.

He tore terrified eyes away from the screen of Dan’s laptop as his witch suggested a way for them to feel comfortable around each other, and slowly, Phil nodded, already magicking two pads of paper and two pens out of thin air and into their hands in his haste to feel better.

“You have to write everything though,” Phil muttered. “Like. What you want every time you want something different,” he clarified, staring worriedly at the screen and trying to find that word again, just to make sure it really was real - flux. Flux. Fluxy, flux. There, there, right there. Phil’s eyes lit up, and he stifled a small noise of surprise and excitement at seeing it so clearly defined right there for him - moving in and out of a feeling at completely random intervals.

This was real, and normal, and okay, and Phil was clinging so hard to this that he thought he was going to explode.

“Terms too? Like… write down the terms you like or feel the most akin to?” he asked, biting his lip as the excitement exploded through him.

Dan stamped down on his magic before it could cause any actual damage.

Dan bit back a small smile as he felt Phil’s magic flaring, because that right there meant that Phil was beginning to get excited. Dan almost liked the way Phil’s magic would flare like that; it was such a visceral reaction and it showed him an inner part of Phil that he knew no one else got to see. It was special. Dan clamped down on the reaction, setting a cool lid over the fiery spell to keep it under control. He liked how that felt, too - how it had just become instinct to keep Phil protected and safe.

Dan took the pen and paper Phil had conjured up, drawing himself up a chart with three columns, for things he always liked, sometimes liked, and never liked. He nodded at Phil’s suggestion, adding a section at the bottom for a list of terms he identified with, or felt like described him in some way. “Good idea. We can do this.”

Things were silent for a few minutes then, as they both scribbled and read the screen, moving it up and down at intervals. Surprisingly, Dan was actually quite enjoying himself. He liked finding new ways to describe himself, to figure out the mess that was going on inside his head. This was like another step up from that, and he was finally growing to realise that there was an explanation for why he was the way he was, that there was a whole community of other people out there exactly like him and Phil.

Most importantly, this exercise should show Phil once and for all that he was always going to be exactly what Dan needed.

When Dan finally got to the end of the list, he had a sheet of paper filled with words. For the chart, he had cuddles (human and cat), ear-scratches, sharing a bed, and making Phil purr under the list of things that he always enjoyed, hugging and kissing and hand-holding under things he sometimes enjoyed, and having sex (he actually shuddered, but forced himself to write the word down anyway, because it was important) listed as the only thing that was never okay. After a moment’s thought, he added kissing with mouths open to the never list, knowing he probably wouldn’t really enjoy that, either.

As for terms he identified with, Dan had written down asexual (never feeling sexual attraction), aroflux (fluctuating between feeling romantic attraction and other types of attraction) underlined, and sex repulsion. Those were the only terms that had really grabbed him - he’d never really been a big fan of labelling himself.

He turned to Phil, holding his sheet of paper up against his chest and taking in a deep breath. “Are you ready to compare?”

So Phil was a bit of a cheater. The second that Dan gave him the go ahead that they could mark down words they liked for themselves, he glanced over at his witch’s paper to get a sense of how he was setting up, and then promptly turned back to his own to mimic him: three columns, and a block at the bottom labeled “terms.” Then he got to writing, ears tingling a slightly terrified pink now that he and Dan were no longer touching and they were about to be forced to face whether or not they were similar people. His fingers itched as he considered each of his columns, and avoided glancing at Dan’s entirely to instead focus on his own wants and needs without the pressure of wanting to copy Dan whether he felt that way or not.

In the end, his paper ended up looking like a bit of a mess.

Under “always enjoy,” Phil had written cuddles and hand-holding, both as a cat and a human, as well as bed-sharing for both human and cat (despite worrying that Dan only liked that sometimes). He’d also scribbled down ear scratches and sitting in Dan’s lap, though only in cat form as sometimes it was too intimate for him when he was human. His last note was regarding enjoying casual touches at all times, needing as he did the reassurance that Dan was there and his. Under “sometimes” Phil had hugging and kissing, sitting in Dan’s lap as a human, and food sharing, which he scribbled out and corrected as feeding each other food. He considered the column for one more second before moving on, but the last column was easy, and though he couldn’t write the word, he did put “pheromones” knowing that Dan would understand.

The terms were a bit harder. Phil penned in asexual and sex-repulsed, though the words and definition completely made him shudder, before grasping onto aroflux and fluxy, relieved when it explained why sometimes Phil loved Dan, and other times he just… loved him. The website explained it better, and Phil moved on quickly when his eyes landed on another term: queerplatonic relationship.

He didn’t have a chance to jot down the definition before Dan was turning to him, holding his sheet of paper against his chest and staring at Phil with hopeful eyes.

Slowly, Phil nodded, and he picked up his own sheet of paper and turned it to Dan.

Dan was a bit sneaky, and he cast a quick glance over Phil’s paper before turning his own around for Phil to see. Relief flooded through Dan’s chest, though, because even from that quick glance he’d gleaned enough to see that Phil agreed with him, at least about most things. Dan’s shoulders actually sagged, tension draining out of his body. He’d been more worried than he’d even realised that Phil might secretly want more out of this than Dan ever could.

That didn’t seem to be the case, though, and as Dan compared their lists side-by-side so that Phil could read them too, he actually let out a little laugh.

He and Phil agreed on almost everything. The only thing that was in a different category was hand-holding, which Phil had down as always and Dan had down as sometimes, but he was sure they could work around that. Phil had also gone into a bit more detail about sitting in Dan’s lap as a cat and a human, but Dan fully agreed with him.

The most heartbreaking thing was seeing that Phil had only written 'pheromones’ in the never column, clearly unable to even write the word sex.

Dan instantly grabbed for Phil’s hand, his greyness apparently having faded sometime during this conversation. He held Phil’s hand tight and leaned into his side, letting out another little laugh. “See? Look at that. A near-perfect match.” He turned to Phil with glimmering eyes, relief and happiness bubbling through him. Here was clear, objective proof that they were more similar than Dan had ever dared to imagine.

“I agree with you about the food, too,” Dan clarified, “Sometimes I like feeding you. But sometimes it’s a bit… much?” He grinned. “And I can deal with hand-holding, I like it usually, just if I’m very grey I might not. And we never ever have to do that… thing.” He shuddered, pointing to both their never columns. He hadn’t glanced down to the labels they’d chosen yet, too keen to analyse their opinions on actions.

Phil’s heart was fluttering along anxiously as his eyes scanned between the two sheets of paper pressed side by side only to find that most everything was the same, and a slow smile spread across his lips as he realised that yes, okay, that’s fine, everything was okay. Dan didn’t like hand-holding as much as Phil did, it seemed, but he agreed about literally everything else, other than the few things Phil had written that Dan had not. He was surprised that Dan had said sharing a bed was always okay now, though, and turned to Dan as the other male reached out to lace their fingers together, staring at Phil as he spoke.

“We don’t always have to hold hands,” Phil agreed easily, a little breathless with a new, relaxed happiness. “But - but is casual touching okay? Sometimes… sometimes I need to be human around you, even when you’re grey, and I like it when we bump shoulders, or hips, or our hands touch because it reminds me that I’m yours,” he murmured, turning his head away in embarrassment and fear that Dan would not be okay with that. It had been about three days now of Dan being grey and Phil staying in his human form, and so far it had been fine, but Phil was afraid that Dan had just never considered it before.

“Also,” he added, clearing his throat. “Bed sharing. I’m - I’m happy to do it in either form, but… there’s a difference. I know there’s a difference in how it feels when I’m a cat, and when I’m a human, so… so are you sure bed sharing is always okay with you? Because it’s okay if it’s not, it really is. I can sleep in your bed as a cat all the time and I’d be happy, or I could take the sofa on bad nights. I don’t mind,” he hastened to say, just so relieved that he was a close to perfect match for Dan in the first place.

“Casual touching is okay,” Dan agreed readily after giving it a moment’s thought. He’d be okay with that, he thought, even on grey days - he hadn’t been too freaked out with Phil being human these past few days, and on the rare occasion that he did freak out, it was because he was afraid that Phil was going to suddenly do something he didn’t want. He knew that wasn’t going to happen now, though - that Phil had no desire to do those things, either.

This exercise had been a good idea.

“I like when we bump hips or tease each other, too,” Dan confirmed, turning to Phil with a smile and lifting a hand to run his fingers gently through Phil’s hair. “And hair touching. I kind of - love touching your hair? Or your fur, when you’re a cat. It doesn’t matter how grey I am, I always love doing that. Is that kind of casual touching what you mean?”

He considered carefully what Phil had said about sharing a bed. He was right - there was a difference when he was human, and it was about time that Dan actually addressed that, and gave some thought to why he would freak out occasionally about waking up in the same bed with Phil. “I’m always happy sharing a bed with you when you’re a cat,” he said quietly after a few minutes of thinking. “I never have to worry, then. Sometimes, when you’re human…sometimes, I feel like I’m trapped?” He tried to explain it, biting his inner cheek. “It’s like - if you have arms and you’re lying on top of me, then sometimes I get scared because I can’t move? But I love holding you. And sometimes I really want to go to sleep in your arms, I just…can’t guarantee I’ll wake up like that.” He grimaced. “I’m sorry. I know that’s hard to deal with. I don’t want you on the sofa ever, though. I want you with me, at my side.”

Phil grinned as Dan reassured him that bumping hips was most definitely okay, that Phil could tease and annoy Dan as much as he needed when he was in human form and craving the attention and adoration of Dan in whatever form he could get it in. At the mention of hair petting, he practically mewled, humming and nearly curling into Dan, only catching himself at the last second because he knew that Dan was grey today, and Phil was not. “Yes. Yes, hair touching, and hands brushing, and shoulders pressed to shoulders. I just… I just crave some kind of reminder that you don’t hate me?” he asked, feeling dumb for having to say something like that to Dan of all people. Dan didn’t seem to mind though, actually reaching over and pressing a hand against Phil’s scalp and drawing it down his hair in one slow sweep before pulling away again with a small smile. Phil practically melted, having to shake himself to focus on what else Dan was saying.

It made sense to Phil that Dan would sometimes feel trapped if he woke up in a position they’d agreed on the night before but had fluxed from wanting it to hating it upon waking up, and couldn’t blame him at all. The few times it had happened in the last month or so since they’d started sharing a bed hadn’t even upset Phil as much as the first time, because he did understand, on some level, that Dan wasn’t rejecting him, so he squeezed Dan’s fingers in his and smiled slowly at him, nodding his head. “I can deal with that. It’s not hard at all. I just didn’t want to make you uncomfortable by invading your space. I want to do as much as we can to avoid making you uncomfortable. If you wake up feeling different then when you went to sleep, that’s okay. I can handle that,” Phil agreed easily, because he’d never be able to say no if Dan wanted Phil to hold him before bed, regardless of whether or not he didn’t want it anymore come morning.

Besides, Dan was always understanding of Phil when Phil disagreed, despite the two of them not always feeling the same thing at the same time.

It also made him happy to hear that Dan was never going to ban him back to the sofa again, and he chuckled a little, ducking his gaze away from Dan’s.

“Besides. Since we both seem to… to not always want certain things at certain times, and we’re not always on the same page at the same time… concessions are going to be necessary anyway. I don’t want you to ever think you’re a burden to me. I just want you to always be happy.”

Dan’s grin was wide when Phil all but melted under the touch to his hair. That right there - that was what Dan loved, and it had him fluxing back to full romo mood before he even realised it. When Phil was reluctant to lean into him, Dan made the decision for him by simply curling up small and determinedly pressing himself into Phil’s chest, nudging his head against Phil’s neck.

After all, Phil wasn’t grey today, and now Dan really wanted a cuddle.

“I don’t want you to think you’re a burden to me, either,” Dan agreed with a happy little sound, feeling much more content now he was curled up against Phil. “I promise I’ll never be angry or hurt if you go grey and want to stop something suddenly. The most important thing is we’re always honest with each other, I think.” He yawned a little. “I don’t want misunderstandings to happen again, and I never want to end up like PJ and the raven.” Dan’s lips twitched down a little, and he resolved to speak to PJ about that as soon as he could get them alone.

For now, though, Phil was his main concern. Dan tilted his head up from where he was leaning into Phil’s neck, meeting his eyes with a pleading gaze. “Promise to always tell me when you go grey? And I’ll tell you too. And if I’m grey but you want to stay human, I think we could still share a bed, if we, sort of, kept our distance a bit? Like, held hands, but didn’t cuddle. Then I wouldn’t feel trapped. Would that be okay?”

Phil looked down in surprise when Dan quite suddenly curled into his body, tucking his head just under Phil’s chin, side of his head resting against Phil’s chest. The way Dan had done it had made him so much smaller looking as well, and it was cute, so cute that Phil found himself reaching around Dan to wrap his arm around his waist, just wanting to hold him, and glad that Dan seemed okay with it, had initiated it even. The warmth of him always made Phil’s heart ache when he was feeling like this - what he was coming to understand was romantic feelings that weren’t ever going to be quite as strong as the ones in romance movies and novels, but which were definitely just as real and valid. He wasn’t always going to feel like this either, but he was far from grey right now as he stared down at Dan, soft smile curling the edges of his lips.

Phil relaxed as Dan promised that he didn’t want either of them to ever feel uncomfortable, resolving that both men should tell the other when they were suddenly fluxing from one feeling to another, no matter what they were in the middle of. The second they felt uncomfortable, both Dan and Phil could tell each other and they would stop whatever they were doing in an instant. The thought of that alone was so relaxing, that Phil practically turning into mush against Dan.

He was disrupted from his position by Dan suddenly looking up at him, soft brown eyes so worried that for a second, Phil was terrified that something was wrong.

So when Dan said what he wanted to say, it made Phil chuckle and relax again. “Promise. But we don’t have to touch at all. Just because I’m human doesn’t mean that I need to be touching you at all times. I’d like to, when I’m in this form, whether I’m grey or not, just for reassurance, but I don’t need it… especially if you’re not feeling up to it. Some nights, hand holding or cuddling, they’re all fine. But it doesn’t always have to be that way. No pressure. I don’t want any pressure at all,” he murmured, smiling at Dan and hoping that he’d take Phil as seriously as Phil was taking him.

They could discuss the way they felt every night, and Phil wouldn’t even care. It would never be a burden to him.

His mind flicked back to Mara and PJ then, and something important started to settle in his belly. The way that Mara had described her feelings about PJ… well, in all honestly, they resonated deep within him, but never so much as they did when he was left staring at these terms on a laptop screen, on pieces of paper in front of him and Dan. Having these words, these labels to back him, they made Phil feel secure enough to look at Mara and realize… that maybe she was acting out because she didn’t have this security either.

Phil knew what it was like to be a familiar, knew what it was like to have someone telling you your whole life how things were meant to be, knew what it was like to find your witch and realize that things weren’t exactly that. He knew how hard it was to navigate a world a million times different than you were ever expecting it to be, and some of his anger at Mara suddenly disappeared, because he thought he understood.

Now that he understood himself, he thought he understood her, and he decided right then and there that sometime soon, he was going to help her. He was going to help her fix whatever was wrong in her relationship with PJ, and he was going to show her that the world was not black and white. Things were never going to be simple, but especially not if she and PJ kept letting the world decide for her how things were going meant to be.

Pushing those thoughts aside, and feeling better already about his friend, Phil allowed himself to move on. They could solve that later, if Mara still wanted his help.

Phil’s eyes flicked over to the “never” column then as Dan thought beside him, and he reached out to cover that word he didn’t like with his finger before focusing on the other thing Dan had said. “What’s… kissing with mouths open?” he asked.

Dan’s cheeks grew hot, and he could feel that stupid patch on his lower right cheek turning red. “Um. Kissing with mouths open, it's… it’s a thing that some couples do. Apparently it feels good? But I just - I just find it kind of gross.” He swallowed. “It’s like - like, when we kiss on the mouth, but… tongues get involved.” He held back a shudder. “I mean… if you ever wanted to try it, I guess… I guess we could always try.”

When Dan started blushing, Phil suddenly wondered if he wanted to know what tongue kissing was at all. He stared at Dan, mortified, as he started to explain how people used their tongues when they kissed each other. The very thought of it made Phil’s face crinkle in disgust, and he scrunched his nose up, shaking his head right away. “No!” he said, “I don’t need to try it. I don’t - no, that’s. That’s gross,” he complained, pulling his hand away from Dan’s paper and shoving it towards him. “No. I just like - like what we’ve done before. And sometimes, like the first time when you let me like, suck on your lip a little, but no tongue!” he complained immediately.

Dan snickered at Phil’s little disgusted noise, the laugh once again mostly from relief. He magicked the paper back onto the desk, not wanting to move from his comfortable resting place to put them down properly. While he was at it, he removed the word sex with a little flick of his fingers, burning a hole in the paper so it was completely obliterated. He kept the rest of the charts, though - a reminder that they really were perfect for each other.

“No tongue,” Dan promised, and he leaned up to Phil again with a small smile. “I can deal with the sucking thing, though. I’m really not grey anymore, in fact, so…” he leaned in close, one hand lifting up to cup Phil’s cheek, and just hovered there with his eyes meeting Phil’s. “We could practise some, if you aren’t grey too?”

That’s when Dan leaned in closer to him and cupped his cheek, promising Phil that they never had to involve tongue in their kissing at all. It was the following comment Dan made that caused Phil’s heart to stutter in his chest, though, and his breathing to hitch as he stared at Dan. He licked his lips subconsciously, surprised by the sudden movement, and glanced into very keen, very willing eyes.

“Okay,” he ended up whispering, because he most definitely wasn’t grey - far from it, in fact - and he most definitely wanted to kiss Dan right then. After all this talk, he was definitely feeling full romo. “Yeah,” he said again, the word breathy off his lips. Dan chuckled at him, and Phil could feel it against his skin. He shivered. Dan’s thumb stroked gently across his cheek.

“We don’t have to,” he reassured Phil.

“I want to,” Phil reassured him.

So they did. Slowly, both men leaned in until their lips were brushing softly, chastely, the way they’d most often kissed, though they’d done that so little that Phil was surprised by Dan’s sudden desire to try. He liked it, though, and his eyes fluttered closed automatically as he reached up to bunch his fingers lightly in Dan’s shirt. Their lips parted, and then moved back together, fluttering over each other’s gently and carefully. The feeling sent sparks of happiness through Phil’s heart, and he grinned as he tilted his head and slipped his bottom lip between both of Dan’s. Immediately, Dan was tentatively sucking at the bit of skin, causing Phil to sigh and mimic the movement, though they both got startled rather quickly and pulled apart.

“Try that again?” Dan suggested softly. Phil’s cheeks were burning when he nodded his head.

And so, they tried again, with Phil tentatively leaning back in and Dan meeting him for every movement, both of them trying and learning and exploring each other to figure out the sweet spots. Dan learned that if he took Phil’s bottom lip carefully between his own, it got Phil to melt against him, and if he ran a gentle hand through Phil’s hair as they kissed then Phil made this delightful little breathy noise.

They kissed for a long time, movements slow and careful and never hurried, never desperate. They weren’t desperate for this - instead, the actions took on a new meaning for them both. Dan allowed the love for Phil to blossom in his chest, pressing outward until he was glowing with it, glowing with the knowledge that he made Phil happy.

When eventually they drew back, it was with little looks and shy smiles and gentle giggles on both their parts. Phil immediately took Dan’s hand in his own, and Dan gave his fingers a squeeze before curling back up in his new favourite position, small against Phil’s chest with his head over Phil’s heart.

Dan’s lips were still tingling. That was definitely new. He could also feel his heart thudding away in his chest, and his palms may have been sweating a little, and this was about the most physically romantic Dan had ever felt in his entire life. He stayed still for a minute, adjusting, and waited to see if that sickening, trapped feeling would return.

It didn’t - at least, not yet. Dan would be prepared for when it did, so for now, he leaned against Phil with a low, happy sigh. “Good?” he mumbled, because apparently lots of good kissing just made him sleepy and overly affectionate, “'Cause it was good for me.”

Their lips pulled apart for the final time, and Phil’s eyes fluttered open slowly, just trying to process the moment they’d just had and the way it felt to kiss Dan like that - practicing movements to see what was okay for them and what was not, sharing a romantic intimacy that Phil knew he wouldn’t always want to share but that he’d enjoyed right then more than he could ever explain. He found himself smiling shyly at Dan, laughing quietly as he reached up to touch his lips at the same time as Dan pulled back to lay against his chest, because right then, he was most definitely in love with Dan. He always loved Dan, would always love Dan, but today, it was so much… different. His heart was fluttering away like a hummingbird in his chest, and he was warm all over in a pleasant way, little tingles running up and down his spine.

He dropped his fingers to wrap his arm around Dan, and laughed as he tucked his face into his hair.

“Definitely good,” he agreed, the sound a muffled sound of contentment. “So good. I - thank you, Dan. I think I really needed all of this, and - and you always give me exactly what I need,” he explained quietly, humming into Dan’s hair and kissing right there. He sighed, closing his eyes, and giggled again as his stomach filled with keen excitement.

“There is nothing I could ever want to change about you,” he added, and closed his eyes. “I love you.”

Dan squirmed happily in Phil’s grip, a bright smile stretching his lips wide before he even realised it was happening. Had Phil honestly said that? That he wouldn’t change Dan? Because that, that was exactly what Dan had been fearing this whole time. That some familiar would come into his life and turn it completely upside down, point out all his bad habits and force him to change, force him into things he didn’t want.

But here was Phil, saying he accepted Dan completely as he was. Shortcomings and all, and Dan knew he had many of them.

“Phil,” he said, and his voice actually cracked. He didn’t even have words for the moment, so he just turned his face up to meet Phil’s eyes and leaned in to peck him on the cheek, his fingers tightening in their hold around Phil’s. As Dan looked up at him, Dan’s eyes were filled with the most emotion he’d ever shown - he could feel himself practically wearing his love on his face.

“Phil,” he sighed again, happily, and leaned in as close as he could, just burrowing into Phil’s side to carve himself out a permanent place there. “I love you,” he mumbled against Phil’s side, and then laughed. “I love you. I never knew what those words meant, but - but I love you.”

Phil had never truly known what those words meant either. For all the familiars in his world talked about it, acted as if they knew the exact formula of how to be in love, Phil had never truly understood until he’d been with Dan. In fact, he’d never truly understood until just that moment.

“Me too,” Phil replied softly, and turned to stare up at Dan with the softest look he could manage. There were tears in his eyes, and he wanted nothing more than to love Dan forever. “Me too,” he repeated softly, and closed his eyes as he leaned in for another kiss.

Fin

#a familiar kind of love #ace phan #aro phan #iwritephanthings #phan #phanfic #phanfiction #snowbunnylester

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