#i love will very much but i feel like his gimmick is a tough one when you're rusty at writing

[lostcndfound]

found a blog i made over ten years ago and never used. But it was one I could sill access the email for, so I'm repurposing it. My fave little demon might be reappearing.

[1004tyun-archive]

❥ late bloomer

✿ pairing: non-idol!taehyun x noona!reader

✿ summary: your high school and college years were nothing short of uneventful. no first dates, no first kiss, no first boyfriend, nothing. but when you and taehyun hit it off at an art exhibit and start a relationship, you know you want him to be your first for everything. but does taehyun know he's your first?

✿ genres: established relationship, smut, slight angst

✿ warnings: slight age gap (reader is 25, taehyun is 21), virgin reader, soft dom taehyun, body worship, mirror sex, voyeurism

✿ word count: 5.8k words

✿ a/n: hi friends! i've been noticing an increase in the taehyun noona lover agenda, so i thought why not toss my hat in and give y'all a noona reader fic of my own? i hope you enjoy <3

very special thank you to @cherrypeaking for being my sounding board while writing this fic! screenshots were shared, tears were shed, memories were made 🥹

You zoom down the streets of Seoul with purpose, the wind blowing through your hair as you blast Carly Rae Jepsen’s entire discography in your car, not caring if anyone’s bothered by the way the bass shakes your car. Today’s a special day, after all.

You and Taehyun’s halfiversary, to be specific. It was like pulling teeth trying to get him to play along with the gimmick of celebrating the first six months of your relationship, but you were too excited not to celebrate it. You had a feeling there would be many more months to come, you knew it from the first date. You’ve never been more certain about anything.

You roll up to Taehyun’s apartment complex and turn your music down to a whisper’s volume. You text him indicating that you’re outside and he steps out moments later. He looks so dashing in a white dress shirt, black pants, his dark hair pushed back, and a Rolex adorning his wrist. As soon as he slides into your car, you’re hit with the scent of his woodsy, floral cologne.

Does he have any idea how irresistible he is?

“Happy halfiversary, baby,” you say and lean in, smiling into the kiss he gives you. You playfully smack him on the arm when he doesn’t return the greeting and he holds back a smile, his lips pressing into a line.

“Come on, you have to say it too!”

“Or what, the magic won’t work?” he asks dryly.

“Come on, say it!” you whine, then cross your arms. “I’m not driving us to our reservation until you say it.”

His smile gets harder to suppress as you give him puppy eyes, you can tell his resolve is beginning to crack.

“Happy… halfiversary, Y/N,” he finally says. You pump your fist and kiss him on the cheek. He can’t stop himself from smiling and neither can you.

If there’s one thing you’ve grown to admire about Taehyun, it’s his dry sense of humor. He takes so much pleasure in messing with you, but you love to return the energy, pushing the boundaries of just what you can get him to do in the name of love.

You switch to the playlist you and Taehyun made when you first started seeing each other and warmth spreads in your chest as you reminisce.

It hasn’t been too long you started dating, but every day has been so bright since Taehyun entered your life.

You’re relieved by everything he is. Protective, kind, warm in his own special, Taehyun way. His warmth radiates even as he sits across from you and holds your hand, rubbing your knuckles with his thumb. The flame of the candle between you enhances the brown in his eyes.

Being an art museum security guard is a niche job that requires you to look tough and always be on your toes, but being around Taehyun allows you to let your guard down.

You’re the older of the two of you; you’re a couple of months into being 25 and Taehyun turned 21 just days before you met, but you turn into such a giddy child whenever he’s around.

You swing your arms as you hold hands and walk through the city streets together, and Taehyun watches you in amusement, a quiet fond smile on his face.

You make your way from the restaurant to the grocery store to stock up on snack foods for the night.

As you and Taehyun load your many bags of snacks into the trunk of your car, it finally hits you.

You’re going to be spending the night with him for the first time. You’ve never spent the night with a boyfriend before, much less even had a boyfriend before, period.

Your CRJ marathon continues as you drive back to Taehyun’s apartment. Want You In My Room starts to play and the heat rises in your cheeks. You try to keep your cool as the song plays. You’re having good conversation, but of course it settles to silence in the middle of the first chorus.

♪ I wanna do bad things to you / Slide on through my window / (I want you in my room) / Baby, don’t you want me, too? ♪

You get flustered and quickly switch to the next song.

“Subtle,” Taehyun remarks and you want to bury yourself in your steering wheel.

Despite your prior embarrassment, Taehyun has your back pressed against the wall the moment his front door shuts behind you. His hands slide up your waist and to the side of your neck as his lips press against yours.

He kneels in front of you and runs his hands up your legs and under your dress to play with the tops of your sheer tights.

“Can I take these off?” he asks, running his his hands down to rest on the backs of your thighs. He’s so breathtaking from this angle, looking up at you with those eager, glittering eyes.

His breath is fanning against your thigh, sending tingles up your spine and making you dizzy. Every cell in your body is urging you, screaming at you to say yes.

And yet…

“Wait,” you say, breathing a little heavily. “I… uh, I-I didn’t shave.”

“That doesn’t bother me.”

“Well, it bothers me,” you emphasize, sounding more offended than you intended. Taehyun pauses to look at you for a moment before the warmth of his hands slowly leave your body. You feel a pang of guilt and offer a meek apology as he rises to his feet.

“It’s okay. We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to.”

But that’s the problem. You do want to, you really really want to.

But there’s a massive roadblock that always stands in your way whenever situations like this arise.

A roadblock called inexperience.

You change into your pajamas and spend the rest of the night watching competitive cooking shows on Netflix while gossiping about your work lives and sharing snacks like you’re two kids having a sleepover.

You fall asleep on the couch snuggled into his side and you’re stirred awake by his movement.

“Let’s get to bed,” he says sleepily. He helps you up from the couch and you can’t ignore the butterflies in your stomach as you realize you’ll be sleeping in the same bed together for the first time.

Once it dawns on you that you’re sleeping together, you’re too giddy to possibly fall asleep. You say goodnight when Taehyun falls asleep, but you’re still up, taking in the atmosphere of his bedroom. He has blackout curtains but a small, round galaxy lamp casts shadows on the ceiling and grants the perfect amount of light to the room. Everything smells like him, floral and woodsy like his cologne, but also like the lavender scent of his hair shampoo.

You could imagine yourself here more often.

When you wake up hours later, all you can do is stare at Taehyun’s sleeping face. He looks so peaceful when he’s sleeping, even with his mouth slightly open and messy hair.

“Morning,” Taehyun says. His morning voice is so sexy, it warms up your entire body. He throws an arm over you and snuggles you closer. You’re close enough for the tips of your noses to touch, close enough to hear his breathing.

“G’morning,” you say then kiss the tip of your boyfriend’s nose.

“I made a brunch reservation for 10:00,” he says. “It’s a quarter to 9 now, so we have time.”

“Time for what?” you ask.

“Time for this,” Taehyun pounces on you and kisses you. You kiss him back and things get heated pretty quickly with his tongue making its way past your lips and into your mouth.

Your heart catches in your throat when you feel his morning wood poking at your inner thigh.

“Wanna make a mess before we get ready?” he asks, his tone suggestive as he slips his fingers past the fabric of your worn t-shirt. Your heart is hammering in your chest as the warmth of his hand against your waist makes you dizzy.

“I-I think we should start getting ready,” you say, shying away from Taehyun’s touch. He looks a bit disappointed but ultimately does what you say and removes his hands from your body.

You quickly get up to get your clothes for the day and go to take your shower.

The rest of the day is awkward, to say the least.

You and Taehyun walk back from brunch. You reach for his hand and hold it, but he doesn’t hold yours back. Taehyun, the chronic hand holder, not reaching for your hand as soon as you left the restaurant already raised a red flag, but him not holding your hand at all?

You get back to his place and take a seat on the couch. Taehyun sits on the couch too, but not immediately next to you. And at first, you chalk that up to him needing a bit of space. It’s not like he was icing you out, he wasn’t kicking you out, after all. He was still in the same room with you, just a little more quiet and distant than usual.

He’s pretty quiet for the rest of the day, giving you tacit responses when you ask questions and giving a half-hearted laugh when you try to tell a joke or make him laugh.

You finally notice things are wrong when he’s cooking dinner. You wrap your arms around his waist and he exhales through his nose.

“Now you want to touch me?” he asks. Your heart breaks a little as you let go of him.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” you ask.

“Nothing.”

Oh, so now it’s back to the short responses?

“No, it’s not nothing,” you say, it’s impossible to hide that you’re upset. “What did you mean?”

“Do I really have to spell it out for you?” he asks. Where did this tone come from? He sounds like he’s joking, but not really. It’s really setting you off.

“Clearly there’s something I’m not getting,” you say.

“Then maybe you need some time to figure it out. Time away from me.”

You’re taken aback.

“Taehyun, what are you saying?”

“I’m saying you should probably go,” he finally turns to face you and his face is devoid of any warmth. When he looks at you with those cold eyes, it’s like the warmth leaves your body as well.

You search his face for any inkling of mirth or signs of him joking, but you don’t find any.

He really wants you to leave.

“Fine, I have work tomorrow anyway,” you stuff your clothes back into your bag, and storm out of Taehyun’s apartment without even a second glance. He doesn’t even look at you as you leave.

You walk to your car, not being able to hear much over your heart pounding in your ears. By the time you’re seated behind the wheel, your heart plummets.

It hits you that you’ve hurt your boyfriend’s feelings big-time. You didn’t need to see him on your way out to know that.

You can’t even bring yourself to start your car. You sit behind the wheel and hold back your tears until you can’t any longer, tears spilling down your cheeks while you mentally beat yourself up for having done this. Why were you so afraid? Why were you going out of you way to drive a wedge between the two of you?

It’s like you wanted him to hate you.

You check your phone at every red light, hoping and praying that he reaches out to you first, but to no avail. No message, no phone call, nothing from him.

A sinking feeling festers at the pit of your stomach. You’re not sure if you even want to go home, but you can’t think of anywhere else you could go.

Your housemates Jihyo and Nayeon are sitting in the living room laughing at something on TV and you know you’ve tanked the energy the moment you step through the door.

“You’re back,” Jihyo greets from the couch. “How’d it go?”

“It was… nice,” you say, voice strained.

“Y/N? What’s wrong?” Nayeon asks, clearly detecting that something’s wrong.

You can already feel the tears returning and you can’t stop them from falling. You break down into sobs and both Jihyo and Nayeon get up to console you. They lead you to the couch to sit down and you tearfully explained everything that has led up to this point.

“I hurt him,” you say between sobs and Nayeon rubs your shoulder. “He’s never gonna speak to me again.”

“Did he say that?” Jihyo asks.

“No, but he didn’t need to. Ever since this morning, he’s been tiptoeing around me and walking on eggshells trying not to upset me. He didn’t touch me, he didn’t even sit near me. He probably thinks I hate him.”

“Sounds like he thinks you’re mad at him,” Nayeon suggests.

“I’m not mad at him, I’m just.. scared of messing up.”

“Why are you so scared of going through with it?”

“I-I don’t think I’m ready. It’s something I want, but I don’t feel ready. There are only so many articles you can read and videos you can watch in preparation. Nothing compares to actual experience, and until meeting Taehyun, I’ve had none. What if I do something wrong? What if there’s something wrong with the way I smell or the way I taste or I can’t get into the right positions or—”

“—Y/N, no one’s first time is perfect,” Nayeon says. “The only way it can be close to perfect is by communicating with each other.”

“Right,” Jihyo adds. “Just like how you can’t read his mind, he can’t read yours either. You have to talk things through with him, even if it’s hard.”

You fall silent.

“Does he know he’s your first?” Jihyo asks.

You shake your head, feeling a bit embarrassed.

“Y/N, you should tell him,” Nayeon says. “He should understand, he loves you.”

“After tonight, I’m not so sure he does. I don’t wanna lose him.”

“Please, you should see the way he looks at you,” Jihyo says. “He looks at you like you hung the moon and put every star in the sky. You’re not gonna lose him over this, just talk it out.”

You keep Jihyo and Nayeon’s words in mind as your fingers hover over your phone screen the following afternoon.

You have to do this, it’s now or never. A knot forms in your throat as you begin to type.

you: Hey are you busy tonight? I want to talk

taehyun: We’re talking now

you: No I wanna talk to you in person

you: If that’s okay

you: We can meet at that cafe you like

taehyun: That’s fine I have time after work

you: Okay see you then

He doesn’t respond and your entire body gets tense. Jihyo wasn’t wrong about this being hard.

You end up arriving first, standing outside the café with your hands in your pockets mentally hyping yourself up for this difficult conversation. You can do this. It’ll be hard but it’s important for your relationship.

You spot Taehyun from the corner of your eye and walk toward him, greeting him and giving him a hug. He doesn’t hug you back, that on its own worries you, but you try not to let it discourage you.

“How are things?” you ask from the across the table.

“Fine,” he says. His tone is so cold, not like the playful kind of cold tone he uses to tease you, but genuinely cold, distant even. A frigid silence settles between the two of you and your throat tightens.

“I wanna apologize for last weekend,” you start. “I didn’t mean to be so weird.”

“It’s fine,” Taehyun says, his voice is tense and it unsettles you.

“No, it’s not fine. I hurt you when I didn’t mean to, and I’m sorry.”

Taehyun is unusually quiet, part of you wants to ask him why but you also want to give him the proper space to think.

"Y/N, be honest. Are you trying to break up with me?"

That question hits you like a slap in the face.

"What?"

"Whenever I try to touch you, you always push my hands away, change the topic, or run away. This didn’t start with last weekend, it’s been going on for a while now and I don’t know if I can take it anymore. What am I doing wrong? Am I making you uncomfortable?"

"No, no. Taehyun, you're not doing anything wrong."

"Then why are you pushing me away?"

"I’m not pushing you away, I just…" you hesitate, looking down at your hands then back up at Taehyun, who's looking at you expectantly. He’s a bit upset, but it's clear that he wants to hear what you have to say for yourself.

The thing is, you aren't completely prepared to say it. You swallow, fighting the dryness seizing your throat.

"I’ve spent all my life feeling invisible. My friends had their first kisses before I did, got married before I did, started having kids before I did while I couldn’t even get a date. I felt like time was running out for me, and then I met you. Taehyun, you make me feel seen. Being with you makes me feel like the lovesick teenager I never got to be. Before we got together, I'd never had a boyfriend, been on a date, held someone's hand, or had my first kiss. You've been my first for everything, but whenever sex comes into play, I-I get scared.”

“Scared?”

“Scared that I won’t measure up, scared of how you’d react. You’ve had years of experience with different partners while I just bought a vibrator for the first time this year. Can you believe it? 25 and I just bought my first sex toy,” you say with a wry laugh. “You make me so happy, Taehyun. There’s no one else I’d rather have my first time with, but the thought of disappointing you or making you slow down for me hurts too much. I don’t want to do that to you."

There’s a long silence between the two of you. Taehyun pulls you into a tight hug. You’re startled at first, but you soon close your eyes and wrap your arms around him in return.

“I don’t even know where to start,” he sighs. “I’m- I’m so sorry, Y/N.”

Another thing you’ve learned to love about Taehyun is his firm belief of actions speaking louder than words. The way he holds you tight in this café speaks for him perfectly. Sometimes words aren’t needed and this is one of those times for him.

“Let’s make some plans,” Taehyun says, determined. “I’m gonna give you the best first time you’ll ever have.”

As the week progresses, Taehyun texts you asking about your sexual preferences, your kinks, anything you’d like to try, and you answer to the best of your abilities. You blush when he tells you the things he’d like to do to you.

Things like tying you up, spitting in your mouth, overstimulation, the works. He emphasized that he’d only do these things if you want him to, but little does he know that you’d let him run you over with a tractor as long as he called you his princess while doing it.

But maybe you’ll reserve those for after your first time. Baby steps.

You open your underwear drawer and the tip of your one and only vibrator is staring you right in the face.

You stare at it for a good minute, wondering if you should bring it along on your journey. You suppose it wouldn’t be a bad idea and tuck the toy into your purse.

You throw on your best dress and heels and make your way out the door. Your heart is beating at a thousand miles a minute but talking things through with Taehyun all week combined with your housemates’ good luck texts this morning give you all the confidence you need.

Your heart is pounding as you walk down the narrow hallway of his floor and get closer to his apartment. You knock on the door and you’re greeted with a surprisingly dressed down Taehyun. He’s got a black t-shirt and grey sweatpants on, a far cry from the glam look you decided to go with for today.

“Wow, you got all dressed up for me?” Taehyun wraps his arms around your waist and kisses you.

“I feel so overdressed,” you confess.

“Don’t worry, that won’t matter later,” he says with a smile and your cheeks burn. He leads you to his bedroom, but you can hardly wait to touch him, to kiss him, to feel him.

You don’t even make it to the bed before you pounce on him, pressing his back to his bedroom door and kissing him hard. He leans into it almost automatically as his hands find your waist to pull you impossibly closer.

“Have I ever told you how sexy your legs look in tights?” Taehyun asks, running his hands up your legs.

“No, but I wouldn’t mind hearing it a couple hundred more times.”

“As you wish,” Taehyun kisses your neck and his hands go to the tops of your tights. He peels them off of your legs and casts them to the side. He sucks on the skin of your neck and you sigh at the sensation as he leaves a few pretty hickies behind.

His hands trail up your ass and to the invisible zipper on the back of your dress. Your heart skips a beat as you feel your dress slowly fall off of your body and pool around your feet on the floor. Taehyun grabs your shoulders and turns you toward the full-length mirror. He snakes his arms around your waist to hug you from behind.

”God, look at you,” Taehyun whispers against your skin. “I can’t believe no one’s gotten their hands on you yet. How did I get so lucky?”

Taehyun sits at the end of the bed and pulls you down onto his lap so that you’re still facing the mirror.

“Lift your hips,” he says into your ear. You do as your told and lift your hips so he can take your panties off. Once he rolls them down your thigh, you wriggle out of them and kick them off to the side. Taehyun unhooks your bra and pulls it off of you, letting it fall to the floor next to your underwear.

It’s a little embarrassing, sitting in his lap completely naked while he’s fully clothed.

Taehyun explores your naked body with his hands, fingers dragging up your thighs to your stomach to squeeze your breasts. You close your eyes and relax into his touch, feeling every individual callus on the skin of his palm. He slides his thumb over your bottom lip and you sigh, granting him access to your mouth. He shoves two fingers into your mouth and your tongue lazily swirls around his fingers before you begin to suck on them.

“That’s it, princess. You’re a quick learner,” he says and you tingle from his praise. He thrusts his fingers in and out of your mouth and you suck on his digits with every movement.

After a minute or so, he pulls them out of your mouth with a wet pop. Your eyes shoot open when you feel his saliva coated fingers in your pussy. Your back arches from the sensation and you make a noise you’ve never heard yourself make before. Taehyun chuckles.

“You’re so cute,” he whispers and kisses the shell of your ear. “So wet already and we’ve just barely started. I can’t wait to make a mess of you.”

He grabs your jaw with his free hand and turns your head to face the mirror head-on.

“Keep your eyes on the mirror for me.”

You obey, but it’s so hard. Your vision goes blurry as you watch as his fingers thrust in and out of your wet, throbbing entrance. He curls them in just the right way to have you moan so loudly that you shock yourself. You throw your hand over your mouth, but Taehyun quickly removes it.

You've never seen or heard yourself like this before. He’s driving you absolutely wild.

His erection presses against your ass and when you grind against it, his breath hitches.

He rubs at your swollen clit with the heel of his palm. It’s enough to have you clamping your legs shut and squirming in his lap. Taehyun uses his free hand to hold your leg open as he continues to tease your clit at that same, excruciatingly slow rhythm.

You come undone, high pitched moans leaving your lips as you writhe in his lap and he holds you in his strong arms. He continues to finger you through your orgasm until you’re reduced to a panting and whimpering mess.

“Good girl,” he whispers. “You’re so good, princess.”

You go limp in his arms and he holds you, closing his eyes and burying his face in your bare shoulder.

“Are you okay? Do you have enough energy to get on the bed for me?” he asks. You nod and he helps you up anyway, taking your hand and getting you properly seated on the bed.

You sleepily watch as Taehyun slowly undresses, pulling his t-shirt over his head and tossing it into the nearest laundry basket. He pulls a foil packet from the pocket of his sweatpants and places it on his nightstand.

And then, suddenly, you have a lightbulb moment.

“Can we try something?” you ask.

Taehyun raises an eyebrow. “In the mood to experiment already?” You nod shyly and he leans in, eager to listen.

“Can you get my vibrator from my purse? I want you to use it on me.”

It’s a simple little thing, a pink silicone rabbit vibrator about five inches tall.

“What do you want me to do?” he asks, hand resting on your thigh.

You shrug, “I don’t know, be creative.”

“How about you show me how you use it?” he tosses the device to you and your mouth goes dry.

“You’ve used it on yourself before, right? I want to watch you use it.”

You’re frozen in place as the gears in your brain slowly turn in an effort to process what he just said.

“You’re already naked, love. Just get in the usual position you’re in when you use it. I won’t judge you, I promise.”

You’re hesitant but you eventually roll over onto your stomach and shift onto your knees so that your ass is in the air and your face is buried in the softness of one of the memory foam pillows. It smells just like his shampoo, you close your eyes and bury yourself in the scent until your eyes suddenly snap open and you remember what you’re in the middle of.

You can’t see Taehyun but can you feel his eyes on you and it sends a shiver down your spine.

“I’m waiting,” he says in a teasing tone and your face heats up. You press the button at the bottom of the vibrator to turn it on and hold it against your pussy, not yet sliding it inside. You take a breath and rub it against your slit, your thighs twitching when it brushes by your sensitive clit.

“What do you think about when you touch yourself?”

You jolt at the question, already feeling flushed.

“Don’t be shy, you can tell me. It’ll be our little secret.”

He must think he’s so funny. It’s hard to concentrate, your mind is already foggy as you try to focus on your own pleasure while trying to put on a good first show for your boyfriend.

“Put it inside,” he says, softly but commanding. You do as he says, mewling as you push the silicone toy into your dripping core.

“Do you imagine me fucking you?”

Taehyun hovers over you, his toned chest pressing against your back. He kisses your shoulder and slides a hand down over your busy hand, helping you to thrust the vibrator in and out of you.

“It doesn’t compare to me, does it? Doesn’t stretch you out and fill you up like I can, either.”

The mere thought of having him inside you is enough to turn you on even more. Your pussy tightens around the toy, but he’s right. It isn’t enough. You want— no, you need more.

You need him.

“What’s wrong, princess? Can’t cum? Not even with me helping you?”

Your eyes are brimming with tears, you’re so close yet overstimulated at the same time and you’re not sure you can take this any longer. You wordlessly shake your head.

“Want my cock instead?” he asks and you nod fervently. He pulls the vibrating toy out of you and the vibrating sensation that initially numbed your pussy is replaced with the head of Taehyun’s cock. You whimper and he kisses your shoulder.

“Let me know if I need to slow down, okay?”

You give a nod and he plants another kiss on your shoulder before aligning his cock against your pussy and pushing into you. You hiss, hands tightly gripping the cotton sheets beneath you as you feel him slowly fill you. Your body feels like it’s on fire, stretching around him burns, but the pain slowly starts to settle in the boundary of pleasure as Taehyun slowly slides into you until he bottoms out.

You’re pretty sure you’ve elevated to higher plane. You can feel every curve and vein of his length inside you, he fits you so perfectly.

“Are you okay?” he asks, voice soft as a feather.

“Mhm,” you sigh. “Feels so good…”

“Mm, that’s my girl,” he rubs your thighs and up towards your stomach. “Relax, okay? I’ll take good care of you.”

You steady your breathing for a moment before he drags his length out of you and plunges it back in. He thrusts particularly deep and hits a spot that has you drooling and grabbing the sheets until your hands start shaking.

“Fuck, Taehyun…!” you cry.

“I’m here, princess. I’m here,” he says soothingly. “You’re doing so good.”

He continues to pound into you, hitting that same spot over and over, it feels so good you could cry. His girthy cock is filling you up, stretching you out so perfectly; you can’t imagine why you waited so long for this, but you’re so glad you’re experiencing it now.

Your entire body runs hot and your thighs quake as you feel a pressure building in your hips.

“T-Taehyun, I’m… ‘m- shit, I’m so close,” you squeak.

“Cum for me, princess. I want you to fucking drench me,” Taehyun says, thrusting faster. “Come on, give it to me.”

You cum so hard that your entire body shakes and your voice breaks. You call Taehyun’s name over and over like it’s a prayer and he holds you tight. Your reaction is enough to push him over the edge as he fucks you through your orgasm.

“You’re mine, Y/N. You’re mine, no one else can have you,” he breathes, thrusting in you faster and faster until he finally cums. You shudder at the way his cock swells inside of you. Your chest rises and falls as you try to catch your breath.

“C’mere, I wanna look at you…” Taehyun pulls out and turns you over on your back so that he’s hovering over you. The outline of his toned body has your heart racing. It’s only been seconds but you already miss the feeling of him inside you.

“You’re so pretty,” he leans in to kiss your forehead and you instantly get butterflies. He falls onto you and you wrap your arms around his waist. You lay there for a minute, still catching your breath until your breathing is in sync.

“Y/N, I want…” his words trail off, he looks flustered. You silently urge him to continue and he gives you a shy, hesitant look you’ve never seen before.

“You might not have been my first, but I want you to be my last,” he confesses. “I know it might be too soon to say it, but I—”

Before Taehyun can continue, you grab his face and kiss him. It’s clumsy, your faces mush together in an awkward kind of way but you can’t help the way you’re feeling. All the admiration and fondness you have for him overtook you like a tidal wave. You separate and he stares at you with wide eyes.

“Sorry, continue.” you apologize, breathless. Taehyun looks at you with amusement.

He chuckles, “No, I think that spoke for me just fine.”

“Come on, say it.”

“Are you gonna interrupt me again?”

“Only if you want me to,” you say with a suggestive raise of your eyebrows. Taehyun laughs, it sounds like the ringing of bells.

“I love you, Y/N. I wasn’t kidding when I said you’re mine.”

You smile, holding back your tears of happiness, “I hope you know there’s no getting rid of me now that you’ve said that.”

“Wouldn’t want that for the world,” Taehyun kisses you and lays his head on your bare chest. You run your hands through his hair.

“I love you, Taehyun. I love you so much.”

[eggos030]

Tipsin' | KTH

Suggested Play . . . Doin' Time by Lana Del Rey

Summary ➧ WHO would of thought that your now ex Fiance got up and left you in the middle of Paris? with no shelter or no regret and the self loathing mother of his. It was meant to be a trip for the both of you to finally bath in each others love.

but what do you know? nothing but a man wondering the streets of Paris wanting to get away from his famous life style knows what.

❝ Pairing ❞ IDOL!Kim Taehyung x Fem!Reader

⌫ Genre ⌦ ONESHOT, Fluff, Angst, plus maybe something suggestive?? Strangers to lovers

↲ Warning's ↳ TAEHYUNG IN PARIS CAUSE I SAID SO, Swearing, cheating cause your husband is a dick, the reader just throws her life out the window after it tho, taehyung is so sweetest,

➜ A/N ꒱ I AM SO SORRY FOR HOW LONG THIS TOOK. I never intended for this to take so long and some of you have been waiting for this and there for I sincerely apologize but yippy! its out now after who knows how long. If I ever tried to write again please probably expect the same behavior where I will take 6 months to upload a short one-shot, but it out and I will hopefully learn my lesson and try to be more time-crunch-worthy. I hope you all enjoyed this and have a great day/afternoon/night!

Please tell me if your wish to repost it but do not claim as your own!

You regret the whole thing.

Why did you put some much effort in if it was only to end out like this?

Why did you trust them? Why did you trust him if his mother came to spoil the trip with the excuse of ‘it will just be some good old family time’ when your fiance agreed to make this a trip for just the two of you?

They left you simply because you weren’t just the right for his wrench of his mother.

You were waiting at Cathedrale Notre-Dama de Paris and the way they decided to cut ties was simply to just wave off a text.

Oh dear, I’m so very sorry. I know it wasn’t for the best to end it this way but I simply can’t hold it in, I don’t love you.

I never have.

Why would I continue if I grew out of it?

The hotel reservation is cancelled and your belongings are waiting for you outside.

what a lame gimmick.

How were you meant to process this? you were surrounded by a crowd if you started crying it would cause a scene.

What did you even do to deserve this?

Now, what did you do to deserve this??

while having a quiet breakdown and struggling to find your way back to the 30-minute walk hotel, only searching for what you have in your purse in case someone thought it was free luggage, you lost the track of time.

The sun was painfully setting quick as the street lights turned on causing panic to settle in. You have nowhere to stay because hell knows if the same expensive hotel would let you stay for a night under $30 within your card. You settle on the rock wall on a bridge watching the sun merge into the ground, you weigh your options to find a bar and drink away your sorrows in hopes of finding a kind that would let stay within their abode for a day or two.

And a kind soul you did find.

Within your sappy sorrows and bubbling panic festering inside you, you never took aware of your surroundings as a telling figure approaches you.

" ma’am? Are you okay? " a deep yet so soft and gentle voice woke you up from your daydreaming. Your head slowly turns to the left to find a gorgeous man.

He wore a simple white button-up and some simple brown dress suit pants. simple yet outstandingly attractive, he was truly something to gaze upon which you got distracted by immediately.

He gets more worried when you haven't responded so he asked again.

" oh " was all you could muster " Oh! Me! "

He agreed with a distressed nod but a small smile crackled on his face, god he's, even more, prettier with a smile.

" I'm sorry, it's just I noticed you were crying? "

You were crying?

You quickly wipe your check to feel the tears, realizing you had cried you were quick to reassure him.

" oh, I'm okay I swear it's just been a really tough day " you stuttered through your sentence for a moment but begin to realize your situation again, He saw the swift change of emotions within your expression.

" oh no, I'm so sorry " why is he so nice?

" It's okay! you don't need to apologize, it was probably better than what others might do" ew, that was the fattest lie you've ever said, and hate it.

He grew curious about the case. " I know this might sound very weird since well we only meet within like 5 minutes but do you maybe wanna tell me about it? "

His voice was soft and gentle again while his eyes lock onto yours, he looked at you with such care as you would shatter within a touch, unlike your now ex-fiance.

" over a drink? " you suggested with a weary tone like you were stepping on eggshells.

He softly grins.

" I don't see why not "

Literally, 6 hours ago your fiance broke up with you and left you in Paris all by yourself with no remorse, you wandered around Paris, and then found the most handsome yet caring man that could ever exist.

either god knew you needed a reset on your man choices or he just chose you to be the lucky one today cause here you are in an old people's bar with a man you never thought you could ever come across.

it didn't take you very long to chug down a couple of drinks to block out your bugging problems but there was a habit on this behalf of drinking.

you get very chatty.

You two got chatting away and learned his name was Kim Taehyung, you thought Kim was a very suitable last name next to your's but you weren't sure if he could handle you any longer, but he didn't seem to mind when he told you his side of his problems. It turns out that Taehyung is a big Korean pop star with tons of fans running after him and his friends, there are only small times when he can take a break from it for a while which in this case is the trip he's currently on.

" Pairs was and always is calming to me. I come here often because the place holds a lot of meaning to many people whether it would be for love or the aesthetic of the city maybe even the history but for me personally? I only come here for the art, it's pretty and wonderful to look at like you could make art here yourself which I do by taking pictures from time to time. "

He spoke with clear passion in his eyes like a dog just got a treat or you gave an iPad to a 9-year-old for the first time, it was something you adored to watch while spending such a small time with him.

You managed somehow to complement some input to his passion.

" wow," he looked at you confused by the sudden input.

" I mean like it would make sense knowing that you like have such a busy lifestyle with this whole idol career. " you back yourself up but he hums realizing what you meant.

" ah, well it's not that bad really " he tries to reassure you but you give him a blank stare causing him to giggle" really it's not! sure some threats and weird people but aside from that we have very loving fans who are very supportive who loves us to bits and so we repay them back with the same love " you smile softly at his kindness for random kids start to show again.

" I think that is very kind of you " He looks at you searching threw your eyes for a lie only to find true honesty with a smile " I mean you've never really met all of them and yet you try so hard to give back the love they give you in your dark times just like what you do for them right? "

He nods with a grin " yeah " he pauses before saying it again.

you gaze upon the old people around you as the jazz band starts to play a cover of fly me to the moon by Frank Sinatra, you smile as some of them get up to dance.

" you know, I really like Frank Sinatra "

you look at him realizing the distance between the two of you, you lean on your left arm as Taehyung leans closer to you on his right arm, he looks back at you waiting " yeah? " you question speaking softly like the whole world could listen to you.

" yeah. " His smile slowly forms into a grin " He makes me want to dance "

" Really? " you giggle as you also start to grin, damn that cocktail is getting to you quickly.

" yeah, I'm serious " He starts to giggle and grin but it slowly dies down, he mutters something while breaking eye contact to get up and move to the dance floor making you confused.

" what are you doing? " you quickly question not having a clue what he's doing until he starts to move his feet to the beat and his arms swing to the bass.

"I'm dancing " He states waving his arms out proudly.

" you dance like a dork " you laugh as he covers his heart pouting like a sad puppy.

you watch him dance his heart away before getting up to join him. He quickly turns around at the feel of arms wrapping around his to find you swinging and swaying to the beat as well, He smiles as he brings you closer wrapping an arm around your waist and slipping his hand into yours.

" Is this alright? " He leans down to your ear and softly asks, his low rasp sends shivers down your spine as you nod softly before placing your head onto his shoulder.

" Is this okay? " you ask with a whisper " fine with me, sweetheart" he responds with a small comforting smile as you close your eyes and bathe in his warmth welcoming the flush forming on your cheeks as your heart beats faster.

You both slowly rock to the beat letting the world slip from your grasp and hold each other like it could end any moment, you're enveloped by his rich expensive cologne by who knows what fancy brand but you would never want to let it go, his soft yet calluses decorated his fingertips but his big hands held your waist perfectly when from time to time he would gently move his hand tracing your spine and moving back down past your waist just to your tail bone before moving to its original spot.

This man cradles you so gently that could make you melt in seconds but it makes you think that your ex-fiance never held you like, questions start pouring through as you doubt if there were signs earlier in your relationship that you missed.

Taehyung glances down at you finding you dazed and spaced out " is something on your mind? " You look back up at him and find him with a worried expression.

" oh it's fine " you spoke softly smiling as the wave of emotions collided with each other, the alcohol swaying deep inside but it was evident to everyone you thought especially to him.

He paused for a moment searching through your eyes before speaking " I know we haven't spent much time together but it wouldn't hurt to tell a stranger what's on your mind? "

He wasn't wrong, I always thought that it might be therapeutic to just realize everything to someone who wouldn't remember about it an hour later.

"Well, my reason for being here originally was to spend some time with my fiance and his mother because he proposed not long ago " Taehyung's warm and happy expression dropped from the words.

" oh, but if you were here with them then where are they? they must be worried about you " He started to draw away from me but I quickly grabbed onto his shoulders pulling him back in and provoking him to look perplexed.

" He left me. "

Taehyung stands in shock. Why would someone leave someone so captivating, gracious, thoughtful, and witty as you? un-answered questions racing through he gazed down at you.

"Why? " was all that came out of him. He stood stunned by the words that left you as confusion formed a frown on his face " why would anyone even . . . " he was truly baffled.

"It's okay though, with trial comes error right? " you smile back at him, his gaze slowly falls to pity as you let the words fall out " I'll just call a family member, or " you slowly start to stutter, struggling to find the next pair of words until you feel a soft grasp of his hands holding yours leading you off the dance floor.

As the two of you sit down he holds you close whispering sweet gentle comforts in your ear as you calm down by the warmth he radiates and the gentle caresses of his thumb while he has your hand.

"Look, this might not be the best-suited place for you to tell me how terrible your so-called husband is but I have a beautiful view of the Eiffel tower from my hotel suite if you want to complain about your problems there. "

You slowly look up to meet his caring gaze and with a nod, you were whisked away from your savior of the night.

TAGLIST: @midnight-the-shadow-wolf , @osakis-gf , @itsme-mel

[many-faced]

ranking the nine sols main bossfights minus Eigong bc i havent finished that one yet

I will note while this is a ranking, I think all of these fights are REALLY good. Some are just even better than others. Fuxi and Nuwa is the only one I sort of disliked, but even then I did enjoy the bossfight!

I'd be interested to hear other's opinions :>

1. Ji Challenging but SO entertaining. I also just love his design. Probably actually my favourite Sol and I am including Yi in that equation.

2. Lady Ethereal Similar to Ji, challenging but fun! She marks the end of midgame imo, and perfectly sets up the crowd control and quick visual identification skills you'll need for the areas going forwards.

3. Goumang Looks tougher than she is. Maybe a bit easy, but a fun gimmick! Kicks up the difficulty a bit alongside Yanlao, but is a lot weaker. I recommend fighting her before Yanlao, even though you can technically do them in either order. Despite her being weaker, still very entertaining!

4. Jiequan A bit fast, definitely a good skill check for the halfway boss, though! Would recommend bringing the gene eradicator, though. Makes it SO much easier. Some azure bow upgrades wont go amiss either.

5. Yanlao Old man. Fun patterns, second phase is a fun challenge, all about timing and patience. A tough but still reasonable difficulty spike alongside Goumang, eases you out of early game and into midgame well.

6. General Yingzhao A great introduction to how the main bosses feel. Simple patterns, not too fast, but still a challenge for his place in the game.

7. Fuxi and Nuwa First phase is fun and simple. The second phase SUCKS. It's doable but I found myself relying more on luck and hoping Fuxi doesn't do certain patterns at the same time as Nuwa's charge or jump. They're also just my least favourite sols overall, design-wise, personality-wise and lore-wise. I do really like the Empyrean district area, and this is still an entertaining bossfight, but it's just not as good as the others.

[sadkidwithocs]

I just called to say I love you

I just called to say how much I care

I just called to say I love you

And I mean it from the bottom of my heart 💕🌸💐🌷🌻

Big Fanart of Faren, my 2019oc and his wrestling friend, Adrian Adonis🌸💐I drew maybe 1 month ago but take long time for writing their stories in English😂😂

Ok I post about Faren’s information already. And this post I’ll mention about one of his wrestling friends, Start with no.1 Adrian Adonis, a good friend/ big brother whose known him since they both was brown hair YoungLion..before go to WWF

*these pics below are low quality, high quality pics are following in Faren’s story end credit*

[Faren’s part]

My lovely brothers, Keith Adonis Franke a.k.a Adrian Adonis. He’s one of Raymond and my close friends since before we go to WWF, but reason why I still close with him because we are all obsessed with “Biker lifestyle”/ very long-winded, never stop talking😎 (different from Raymond whose more polite and taciturn / we love dressing as biker but Adonis’ style is better than me lol he spend so much money for this!

Adonis is older than me 7 years, chubby but good-looking/ nice hairstyle/ sassy man and big-mouth…and seems he doesn’t care about his weight that much. In the past we often go everywhere by our big bike/ ride in the same car, but when we both are in WWF we have different role, Adonis is heel but I’m babyface, have different locker room/ everybody has his own friends whose have the same role& same personalities and similar in age.. now we shouldn’t acting like close friend when go outside.

Adonis is funny person/ tough and good worker for someone…and sometimes he’s sassy man and like to act cocky for someone too, and one of these people are Lanny Poffo, one of my the first friends in WWF and Danny Spivey, one of dumbass Mike’s close friend.

I don’t know it can calls “luckily” or not that I’m one of persons whose don’t have any problem with him.. maybe just because we don’t have match to fight together eventhough we have similar style (or gimmick) that about biker. We never have any problem about comparing who is better or who should be owner of biker gimmick, we have many difference in their own way.

The fact that we have different role, we must act in different personality traits sometimes, and because we’re famous wrestlers to some extent , when we go outside we often see some fangirls excited to us and stop to say hi😅

Babyface like me must wave and say hi back to her even though that time I’m in a bad mood/ tired/ hungry or bored😐

But for Adonis when he notices some fangirl say hi,

He just act cold and said “get back in da house! ” . that’s why sometimes I jealous to some heel wrestlers that can be honest with their feelings🫤but at the same time Vince and Pat Patterson doesn’t allow me to have heel role too!

Look at this👇🏻. It’s funny that we both dye our hair to blonde following some “backstage person” ‘s advice (Vince? Pat Patterson? or some bookers? I’m not sure who the hell is owner of these idea)

(Umm🫤idk I can call it’s just “advice” or not !?… I think I should use this word instead, “wanting” 🤔 I mean.. if some wrestlers don’t abide by the plans of boss’ idea , We can‘t know about our fate (wrestling role) in the future. They make you shine but they can ruined you also. Me/ Adonis and Dino Bravo are one of the people who agreed to dye our hair to blonde following their advise inevitably

Adonis must dye his hair bc he has gay gimmick of flower shop. Man.. he gain so much weight! Nobody can stop him! Ok I know that this guy is reckless, my I just can’t believe he can be reckless in this way too! 💀

I must dye my hair bc some backstage guy told me to “being more American”. Everyone knew I was the son of famous Hawaiian wrestlers “Ailani Kamealoha”, I have brown hair like my dad , but someone tried to change my identity, make wrestling fans forget everything whose son I am and where did I come from. Now I have become an American biker from Texas USA not Honolulu..I only talk about the biker lifestyle, dressing fashionably, Do not mention anything related to Hawaii or mention to my father who was a Hawaiian warrior.

Moreover, sometimes I have to act flirty, even though in fact I’m like my dad…clumsy and not good at flirting at all , I am not allowed to say that I have 3 children too🤥(yeah I’m jealous a little bit when my senior, Tito bring his 3sons and wife to WWF show)

Ok, back to Adonis. I want to share one of He has ever buy Pepsi for me during we are fixing a big bike(he often go out and back with some snacks).. but that time I keep that Pepsi can in my bag before bring it to hometown in Texas together and forget it in my house, and I wasn’t go back to my house for a few year after that. And not many months later, Adonis left WWF and goes to AWA and I’ve never saw him again.

Believe or not.. until this day in 2024 I still keep that can in my shelf that full of 80-90s stuffs. Seiji, my son doesn’t know anything often ask me to throw it in garbage because it’s expire food but I stop him😑

ok I accept the truth that I have some “old man habits” whose like to collect little nonsense things not only about biker stuffs. But I can’t help it! 🤷🏻this is the last stuff that my close friend gave it to me.

Stories between me and Adonis are just a short part of my whole career story, he passed away from car accident in 1988. Eventough we’re not close that much after we’re in WWF because we have their own friends/ own roles but I can’t refuse that Adonis is good brother for me and my fond memories include Adrian as one of them. He’s gone too fast, that’s the reason why I feel like…I still have unresolved issues and still not used to accept that he’s gone to somewhere. I still imagine if we both are 60 years old men, have white hair, sit together, drink some beer and share crazy journey of our wrestling career. I love you my brother, tell wrestling friends up there I said hi

[the-larxist-manifesto]

GameGirl28 ~ Wario Land 3

When deciding the first set of games to play for this challenge, I just HAD to make Wario Land my first heavy-hitter game. As a lifelong fan of the Mario extended universe, platformers, and quirky games in general, this series always spoke to me. The problem is... most of the games are stuck on the GameBoy!!!! So actually, I haven't played very many of them at all! Thankfully, I've outlined this challenge so that I hit all three of the GB games (after which I plan, outside of this challenge, to play Wario Land 4 and Shake it).

Why am I playing the 3rd one first? Erm.... anyway, moving on...

Wario is such a fucking creature, dude. I love how much they lean into that angle for him in this game. The entire tone of Wario Land 3 basically reads "shakily drawn feral comic book characters get into Looney Tunes shenanigans together." I'll be saying this a lot throughout the challenge, but for a GameBoy game, I was so charmed by this game's art style and presentation. Pictures are favored in the exchange rate with words, so let me just showcase a scrapbook of my faves

Like in Mario 3, this sun will swoop down and attack you. But since Wario is invincible in this game, your ass just gets set running on fire

Wario can destroy the natural landscapes around him in a multitude of violent and absurd ways

Don't fuck with Wario or he WILL turn you into one of those worm on a strings....

~A competent platformer~

Aside from just being pretty, I think the developers objectively made very efficient use of the small screen real estate. The objects, enemies, and Wario himself are blown up quite large to make room for detail and style, while also increasing the legibility for platforming and squashing enemies. I've played games on a WIDE SCREEN HD TV and had more trouble seeing ahead of me. In Wario Land 3, I almost never struggled to see jumps or areas of interest ahead of me.

This game is, after all, all about exploring. On this particular adventure, Wario is transported to a whimsical island contained inside a magic music box. His aim is to escape, but not without nabbing every goblet and gold doubloon he can. Search every nook of this unfamiliar land, find every giant key to open the treasure chests, and help restore the power of the music box deity in order to go back home with your pockets lined $$$$

The gameplay loop consists of essentially three phases:

One: Metroid-vania style level progression. You enter the first level sorta unable to do much at first. It's kinda funny playing as this worthless fat old man just wandering around the forest, until you just HAPPEN upon one of these giant chests which hold little powerups for Wario. As he powers up, he resembles the tough-and-tumble brawler we know Wario to be, and can start busting through blocks and climbing up cliffs that he could not when you first visited the level. When blocked off areas become accessible, the levels evolve into wide-open platforming sandboxes. It makes the adventure feel vast, despite the size of the console!

Two: Boss battles. Like most platformers, you will encounter bad guys way huger and eviler than the other ones, and you will have to defeat them set to special battle music. All bosses, save for the final boss, follow the rules of Three Hits and Hit the Glowing Part of their Body. Each one is a unique creature with some fun arena gimmick, making them a nice change of pace after all the jumping and smash attacking.

This soccer rabbit was a particularly memorable fight. Whoever can kick a ball-ified version of the other into the net three times wins

Three: Mini games. Well, actually, there's just one mini game. Golf! For a 2D golf game, I found it fun to master power adjustment and spin to conquer the various courses. There's even a secret course you unlock by collecting the special music coins! I LOVE me a classic unlockable, especially unnecessary ones thrown in as a fun extra goodie

... Para-Goom? Is that, like, a relative of the Goomba? I was not ready to be introduced to a Darwin-esque Mario universe evolutionary tree

~Reading the enclosed instruction booklet~

OKAY TIME FOR A BRIEF SIDE TANGENT!! Given how strange and arbitrary as some of the "puzzles" were in Alone in the dark, I ended up using a GameFAQs guide at certain points. As with most old video games, console limitations and lack of in-game tutorials make it tricky to blindly play GameBoy games. Sometimes, it makes them a matter of pure trial and error. I don't find that particularly fun, personally... so when it came to some obscure bits of Wario Land (what levels to visit next after triggering an event, how certain transformations worked, etc.), I felt a sense of annoyance growing in me. What were the devs THINKING? Surely they didn't make a game THIS OBSCURE and expect children to be able to beat it??

In that moment, I tapped into my very empathetic mind and remembered... game devs may not have invented tutorials yet, but they DID include manuals with every single game! That's right! Those little booklets used to be good for something. Really quite important, actually!!

With that, I researched to find an online PDF scan of the game's original manual. That way, without the need of external guides, I could understand the full context of the game! And I am not exaggerating when I say that this guide HELPED. A LOT. It's not like the game was impossible to play without it... but it was, quite simply, a worse game. I learned how to quickly replay event cutscenes, instantly check the next level to explore, the full capabilities of every transformation, and more! Stuff that was programmed into the game but that I simply didn't know existed. Neither me nor the devs would have wanted me to continue without knowing all this!!

As you've seen from some of my previous screenshots, the manual has lots of little lore tidbits and cool official art scattered throughout. It's like a little love letter to the game, stitched together by the developers to go, "Lookie! Look at this cool thing we made! Have fun!!! :D"

With this discovery, I have decided that I will be locating and reading the official instruction booklet for every single game in this challenge from now on. Not only is it helpful, but it's fun! Manuals have always been one of my favorite parts of video game collecting, so it totally enhances this challenge and gives me even more to look forward to as I go!!

~Conclusion~

My only criticisms of this game stem from my own bias against Metroidvania-type games. I don't consider it super fun to wander around the giant ass levels over and over, struggling to find one random block you couldn't break before. But I will admit, it's an economical way to maximize the gameplay in a modest number of levels and maintain a fairly high play time! That is, without abusing artificial difficulty or unfair level design... (looking at YOU, Dr. Wily's revenge....)

Aside from that: the levels look so good, the music is so catchy, and the powering up is so addictive, I can easily forgive a little repetition in exchange for the feeling of absolutely BASHING ENEMIES SKULLS IN and KNOCKING THEIR BONES TOGETHER LIKE PINBALLS with how absolutely beefed up Wario becomes later on

It's a classic for a reason. I am definitely turned on to the Wario Land series now, and I can't wait to see how they all build off each other as a franchise! Shame Wario only seems to star in minigame collections now... which only serve to kill our chances at a new Rhythm heaven game..... >:{

((jk I luh waryo where <3))

Check out this lil medley of the game's soundtrack, made by our very own SiIvaGunner team! :D

Phew, that was a long one...

[oddballwriter]

Big Top Burger & Zomburger Relationship HC

Summary: What I think the Big Top Burger and Zomburger characters are like in a relationship

Warnings: Mentions of alcohol & bars, and the possible undead

Author’s Snip: I got into Big Top Burger again, and I want to expand out of just writing for Slenderverse. And also because some of these characters are real cute and just wanna think about how they’d be in a relationship.

Notes: I’m excluding Steve because... he’s just weird. I don’t think he could really be normal if he tried. I don’t think anyone is simping for the clown man so I think it’s fine. Also, this is the only Bigtop and Zomburger post I have so far, if you like my writing then feel free to request something, so long as you read the rules and boundaries for my blog first.  

I’ll shut up now. Enjoy!

꒦꒷꒦꒦꒷꒦꒷꒷꒦꒦꒷꒦꒦꒷꒦꒷꒷꒦

Penny

MILF /j

No, I’m just yanking your chain a bit

She is really cute and she’s implied to be a mother 

I think it’s actually confirmed by WorthiKids that the little girl we see in the s1 credits and s2 intro is her daughter

We don’t know if she’s a single mother but for the sake of this post I’ll just have it that she is

So as a single parent its inherent that she needs time to take care of her daughter along with work so she might not have a lot of times for dates

I feel like she’s one to enjoy simple dates like the movies or a small night out 

She’s so sweet and polite I love her so much aaa

Obviously there’s a bit of a requirement and need for you to be looking for a serious relationship and that you’ll remain since she’d most likely want someone good to stay for the sake of her daughter and her

She would be sooo happy if you took quickly to being some type of figure in her daughter’s life 

She seems like she’d give you cheek kisses regularly

Love is stored in the Penny /hj 

Billie

She’s definitely a chill hang out date kind of person 

You guys would hang out at her place and listen to some music or watch  movies that she has 

Billie is pretty monotone and tired sounding when she speaks and I feel like in a way that’s charming 

Depending on your personality, you might be the one with the energy in the relationship

She just feels so laid back and chill , Idk what else to say, she just seems so cool

She’d totally tell you about all the weird things that she’s seen while on the job at Big Top

Tim

He has such a buddy buddy vibe outside of work and that it peaks through a bit while on the job as you watch the series 

He’d take you on the typical dates but I feel like he enjoys going to bars with you every once in a while to get some beers

He also tells you about the oddity that is Steve

He seems pretty funny, he just has that vibe to him that he’s a really funny guy outside of work

He probably flirts a bit but in a light hearted easy way

But over all he just has the vibes that he’s just really cool and he’s a neat boyfriend

Frances

She seems very fun loving and buddy buddy outside of work

Cesare said that his workers are just a bunch of theatre majors and I believe that for Frances

I’m gonna say it, she has theatre kid energy

I really think she’d be fun to hangout with if not date too, similar to Tim

She seems like she enjoys the gimmick of working at a themed food truck and even enjoys them as a customer since likes bad food

Would honestly get shitty food with you just to eat it and hate it

Conrad

I love him

I love me some beefy strong dumb guys

He is an absolute idiot yes, but he looks like an absolute sweetheart too

He seems like he’d gladly go on any type of date with you

He’s totally able to pick you up, he can man a canon for crying out loud

He’s real gentle with you if he’s carrying you or picking you up since he’s really tall and super strong

If anything is ever too heavy for you, he’ll be a sweetheart and offer to hold/carry it for you

He looks like he’s lowkey real soft on the inside

Some of that tough brute exterior, soft sweetie interior

Doctor

He tries to be a gentleman

He succeeds for the most part

Also, I hc that he didn’t actually talk like that but he would be doing it for so long and would do it off the clock for fun, to the point that it just… stayed

He treats you well regardless though

He’s probably more into the romantics than the rest of them and goes out to dinner with you to a restaurant

He wants to try and make his own meals so that you guys can have your own dinner dates at home

But judging by the s2 intro, our boy can’t cook for shit

Cooking dates are probably a most simple type of date night activity though

Cesare 

You are… you are dating a dead guy possibly

Most likely

Maybe some type of entity of the underworld

I don’t know but obviously he’s an interesting person to date either way

He’s very… strange to put it in simple terms

You have never been to his place (most likely because it’s some type of underworld)

You’ve probably asked and he did a little tangent about how you’re not allowed there

He does come to your place a lot

Cemetery dates? Cemetery dates

You can bring food for yourself but the food is only for you since he “doesn’t eat”

He probably walks about with you making fun of some of the headstones

Rants about his evil schemes, his workers, and Big Top Burger all the time to you

I feel like you’re relationship is more leaning to the situationship side since you will go days without seeing him and then he’ll just show up

You think that he’s just a busy guy with his food truck business

But in all honesty that’s obviously not the case with the shit that he can do and is up to

Well at least you have a strange and off-putting, possibly a real undead, goth boyfriend

[popculturebuffet]

Mutant Month: House of Claremont: Avengers Annual #10: Rogue Rises, Carol Falls (Patreon Review for Brotoman.exe)

Hello all you happy mutants and welcome back to Mutant Month, my celebration of the X-Men and all things marvel mutant. Today we're taking a step back from the strangest heroes of all themselves: while they do cameo in this story and Charles plays a very imporant roll, the main focus is on the X-Men's sometimes friends, sometimes rivals, and sometimes guys who sit there and do nothing while genocide happened because of editorial not stopping to think how bad this would make them look, the Avengers.. specifically Carol Danvers, at the time Ms Marvel. While Carol is absent most of the story it's her being found half alive and mostly brain dead that kicks off the story, her scathing reason you suck speech to the avengers for the events of Avengers #200, and the writer of this book being so pissed off by the events of said issue he wrote THIS ONE in the first place.

For those who haven't heard of avengers #200... i'm truly sorry i'm about to tell you it exists. But since this story is a direct sequel/fuck you to the story, I have to. Apologizes in advance.

So Avengers #200 was the story of how Carol Danvers got mystically impregnated by Marcus, extradimensional son of avengers foe Immortus... WITH Marcus. Marcus then revealed he'd previously kidnapped Carol, made her fall in love with him with the subtle manipulations of his machines, his EXACT words, and then when he had to go back to his home dimension due to his presence destroying the world, took Carol back with him. The avengers all GLADLY sent her off with her rapist and hoped she'd be okay.

If your curious to view this nightmare for yourself, my review of it's right here`, and it's easily one of the worst things i've reviewed. And that's not in a general group.. i'm still not sure if this monstrosity or the transphobic episode of faimly guy where Brian vomits for 2 minutes straight because he slept with a trans woman is worse. It's a toss up. It's a straight up deadlock of things that PHYSICALY HURT to write about.

So as a sort of apology Brotoman, who comissioned the review of Avengers #200 not having any idea how bad it was, as did I as while I knew what happened reviews only prepare you so much, agreed to eventually have me review the direct response to that, this issue. As for why it's in X-Men Month.. well if you know Carol's history or x-men history.. then you know where Rogue got her powers.. and this is where not only that happens.. but Rogue debuts. So not only does this change avengers history.. but it's also VITALLy important to x-men history, to the point the issue is both int he x-men and marvel masteworks and their respective epic collections. It's simply too vital to both stories to ignore, especially the x-men's as Carol also basically joins the group for a while after this.

As I said this is a direct response from Chris Claremont about Avengers #200. Now any resonable person would hate this story, something i'd rarely say as tastes differ but this is

So I feel confident saying no one likes this and if they do their just being a trollish jackass.

But no one liked this story less than X-Men Maestro Chris Claremont. Chris was deeply attached to Carol and for good reasons: While Carol existed before him, debuting in Captain Marvel and then getting her own solo, the character wasn't exactly defined, first being a kinda sorta but not really love intrest to Captain Mar-Vell, then having this weird split identity gimmick and working at a women's magazine printed by J Jonah Jameson. It was clear while Marvel had the idea of "neat new womens superhero" that was about all they had.

Luckily Chris took on the book and quickly ended the split identity schtick and defined carol as we know her: Tough as nails, badass, miltary referree. He defined her backstory, the son of a sexist jackass who joined the Air Force to get an education after he refused because she was a woman. He defined most of her supporting cast, her skill and genuinely who she was. He even took her archenenemy mystique with him when he started writing x-men and to my shock Rogue was actually intended for an arc in Carol's book.. but the book got cancelled before it happened.

So finding out a character he poured his heart into was raped and her friends were just fine with it while also pouring a thick gravy of sexisim on top of the procedings.. didn't go so well

Shooter.. let Chris right the ship. Which says a lot as normally when editorial is asked to correct a creative mistake they either wait a bit so they can make money off correcting their own bullshit or actively refuse

Granted in this case, Chris Claremont was marvel's #1 writer at the time, with X-Men rising to be their best seller, with Chris having just finished the back to back classics Dark Phoenix Saga and Days of Future Past. It was clear the X-Men needed chris, wouldn't be the same without him and Chris had all the power in this negotation, while all Shooter could do is nod and say sure. While Shooter would ocasoinally flex his power on x-men for both good (shutting down the Colossus and Kitty Pryde thing) and bad (not letting Mystique and Destiny be publicly gay.. or letting Destiny be nightcrawlers mom and Mystique having shapeshifted into a man to make that possible. ), but it was stuff Shooter was willing to fight for where as here the writer of his biggest hit was asking to fix a huge mistake for him. And given jim was busy making mistakes of his own

Someday.... i'll deal with this mess someday.. but for now Chris had the greenlight to fix Shooter's mistake, and thus we got Avengers Annual #10. And as said, since he couldn't do the Rogue story in carol's book, he did it here a way to both set up Rogue as the next big threat for the x-men, and of course swerve it by them being forced to take her in, and Carol joining the team in a supporting role while not having her powers... then giving her a new more powerful set. The latter part was also likely always intended, it simply played out diffrently. It's hard to tell. What won't be is does this issue hold up on it's own and does it help wash the taste of avengers 200 out of our mouths? Let's find out.

Avengers Annual #10 gets right to it as we open with a woman getting pushed off a bridge.. thankfully she's quickly saved by one of the guest stars.. no not storm...We're in san francsico and Chris Claremont is still writing non- mutant books so...

Yup. As a nice bonus to this issue in addition to Carol and the X-Men guest starring, we also get the Startling Spider-Woman. As I mentioned in my review of God Loves, Man Kills, claremont really likes using everything he's worked on or has worked on. I see echoes of that attitude in Al Ewing's work today, finding ways to weave in your other books or tie off loose ends you never got to.

For those less familiar with her, Jessica Drew was experimented on by her dad and the high evolutionary, raised around Animal People, and then became a super heroine, with Claremont turning her into a detective after some hit and miss directions. I'm a fan thanks to Dennis Hopeless breakout run, so it was nice seeing Jess here. When we next see Jess she's waiting at the hospital, where she finds out her Jane Doe is carol.. and whlie not suprising to us given this issues place and history, it was meant to be a suprise at the time with the cover lady easily being any super being the avengers had met.

And before we move on, let's talk about that cover for a second because it's this weird mix of being both really eyecatching and an absolute hot mess. On the one hand the striking red, various panels of all the stuff and nice bit of building intrigue as they don't spell out what out of the brotherhood knocked out cap and iron man. On first look it's not too weird.

But when you really step back and look at it it's saying a lot of nothing. instead of going just with cap being thrown through a window or showing the various things happening to the avengers and then having jess and the x-men on the botttom it tries to showcase EVERYTHING in this issue and cram it all on to one cover, which is never a smart idea. Not helping is the large advertisment for a ten speed giveaway taking up a lot of real estate in an already busy cover. I don't mind covers homaging this, as it's a neat IDEA for a cover, the excecution is just sloppier than I remember and has diminishing returns: it does the job of catching your attention.. but then gets it for all the wrong reasons.

Anyways there's a problem: Carol's mental state is so withdrawn the staff psychologist assumed she'd been insutlationalized since child hood, and they can't really reach her. Thankfully Jess happens to be friends with the x-men.

That's something.. weird that happened with the passage of time. See due to Chris writing her early on Jess was friends with the x-men and her reason for knowing them is not remotely small: on a case she found former member Banshee's lost daughter Siryn, who'd go on to be a major part of X-Force and X-Factor and a faviorite of mine thanks to the latter. It's not the biggest foot note but it's something that almost never gets brought up. She's friendly enough with the x-crowd it's weird it dosen't get brought up apart from her skrull counterpart and wolverine being on good terms due to Jess also having been a close friend of logan's in his series during her powerless days. For instance in the solo I mentioned, none of the uncanny x-men visit her party. They just kinda fell out of touch. I mean Logan was dead at the time but I can't imagine Kurt Wagner would pass up free shrimp and pretty ladies. It's just not who he is.

At any rate Jess calls the professor for help, and we get a little bit of slice of life stuff with the x-men. It's something chris REALLY loved doing and that I honestly miss in modern comics: with how tightly packed the pacing is there isn't time for the x-men to say, be busy rebuilding the danger room after Kitty had to use it to murder an alien, which is the case here. It's fun seeing Kurt and Kitty slowly bond and also fuck up some machinery together trying to fix things. Charles heads down to San Fran, and the avengers have been notififed: Carol's identity isn't public YET , so it's just said their linked "somehow". Charles tells Jess in his mind that not only is her concious mind just.. gone but he was able to find out who did it: Rogue. Who at the time would've gotten a solid reaction out of fans as

As this is her intro. It's a good way to set up a villian though: have her take out a hero at Carol's level.. and a few more. YOu do have to thread this needle carefully: if you go too far, the villian comes off overpowered. Here , Rogue has just enough to be a threat, but not so much she's entirely overpowered, as we find out some drawbacks later.. and much later will find out permenanlty stealing Carol's powers and memories comes with the whopper downside of a whole other person being grafted to her brain.

And we first meet Rogue properly.. as she suprise attacks captain america. Which COULD be seen as cheap.. but Rogue makes a valid point after: she has Carol's memories.. and thus unlike most foes fighting cap , knows how he fights. And Carol being military herself meant she probably thought about how to take him down just in case someone possesed him, turned him into a werewolf or created a nazi clone. You know the usual.

Rogue then does what would become her trademark of taking the power with a kiss. This is also where we find out she stole Carol's powers for keeps, and as long as she dosen't touch someone TOO long can usually not take too much. This part.. is a bit out of sorts with her later deep fear of being touched, but I feel fits: At this point Rogue is a villian and is being encouraged by her moms to be evil. As such the ethics are likely being actively downplayed. Most memroies she's taken fade away and so does the guilt with only her first use of her powers with her childhood friend cody really bothering her. It's a case of her simply not having the downside of her powers HIT HER yet. Without any consequences, she has no reason to fear her power.

While the rest of the avengers minus thor and iron main wait for cap, Rogue leonardos him through a window. This gets them to contact Tony as Iron Man who plans to help.. but turns out the attack on Cap wasn't something random.. it was well planned, with Mystique waiting in hiding as the wasp to trick tony.. and slam some sort of doo dad that depowers the armor and leaves tony stuck inside it.

Finally for the big three, just as Thor turns out of being Donald Blake, Rogue hits him. Granted she docent know he's thor's mortal alter ego... but it still makes sense as he's their doctor. Before she can finish him though Jess shows up, having apparently travled to NYC to follow up on Carol's attempted murder.

We get a neat fight as Rogue really beats the shit out of the avengers, but like I said it's done in a way that dosen't leave her coming off OVERPOWERED. Yes she snatch's thor's powers.. but that's why: She has the combined powers of thor, cap and ms marvel with Steve, Carol and Thor's combined knowledge of their teammates. It makes perfect sense she easily floors them and only dosen't kill them because Mystique has other plans for her daughter. It's also a ncie way to show off her inexperience and deference to mystique: she stole three powers but dosen't know if she can do more, and balks out of a guaranteed win simply becaase it's not in the plan.. which sets up the brotherhood's defeat LATER by not finishing the avengers NOW.

With the avengers on the backfoot for now, Jess reveals that Carol disappeared from new york 6 months ago with avengers 200.. but resurfaced three months later in San Fran, living just fine. It's our first hint that Carol isn't exactly happy to see her friends again. She moved to a city with one other superhero, hasn't picked the mask back up, and didn't call them. And as we'll see later she has every reason not to.

The avengers reacap avengers 200, and after giving me some flashbacks, we get to the main point: This attack was cordinated, the avengers are now down their three strongest and most experienced members. The only good news is Beast, who was an avenger for a while, it's why he wasn't in the Claremont run outside of a few choice guest spots as by the time he wasn't, he got swept into x-factor, meaning beating Rogue won't be easy.

The reason behind hobbling the avengers like this? A prison break. See the brotherhood first appeared a few months before this in the landmark x-men story Days of Future Past, trying to assassinate bigoted senator kelly, our heroes winning.. but Kelly being an ungreatful bastard about it and turning around to be mutantkind's greatest pain in the ass for a while, trying to publish the mutant registration act.

The brotherhood at the time consisted of Mystique, master shapeshifter and Carol's arch enemy at the time turned x-men villian, Destiny, Mystiques wife who can see the futttttttooorrrrrr, the blob, the imovable object, Pyro, Australian arsonist and fire bender, and Avalanche, earthquake machine of the cool costume without a personality to match, with Rogue joining here. They'd keep the lineup minus Rogue for most of the 80's, transitioning from terrorists to being the goverment's go too hired goons

At any rate Misty was the only one to escape last time, so it's her job to break them out, with help from her wife predicting when, and Iron man being used as a blunt instrument. Though really he's more of an object. All that matters is he's blunt, hard and blunt.

So the brotherhood is broken out and costumed up... just in time for the avengers to arrive. Spider-Woman heads to fight iron man while a decent fight ensues: the main gimmick is destiny is tipping off the brotherhood before the avengers each move, allowing them to counter. It's a reminder of just HOW powerful Destiny is: her knowledge of the future isn't 100% , it's more propablities than full info or other wise she'd be invincible and our heroes could never win and it'd be really, really boring. But it's still potent enough and showed off well by chris claremont here: while the rest of the brotherhood get a great showing, their mostly hired goons. Destiny is Mystiques #2 for more reasons than that mouth thing she likes, and this shows it. The avengers are entirely on the backfoot because of her and it's telling the tide turns after Wanda gets a chance to attack her.. and more telling that it was only concidence she got a shot in on her and pure luck, as none of them KNEW destiny was doing this. The X-Men at least later have the advantage of knowing Destiny's the most dangerous piece on the board.

Mystique tries to kill Jessica, mostly because she's pissed Carol lived. Destiny warns her this will be their downfall.. and she's right. Mystique was a terrible choice to send for this as Jessica sees right through her nick fury disguise and Misty barely escapes , with Jessica bringing iron man back

With that the tide has fully turned: Iron Man goes with the genius strategy of hitting Rogue real hard.. and her feeling it tells her she's down to just Carol's power and Mystique tells her to retreat, the two of them feeling. Now.. tha'ts a solid marriage right there. Where you can leave your wife to get captured by the avengers.

We get more of the fight including highlights such as pyro makin ga giant firebird, his trademark and Vision and Jocasta using double laser vision to collapse the ground beneath blob. It's a decent enough fight, I just don't care about it a lot and it's one of the issue's main weaknesses: A lot of it's a fight scene and while there was good setup for it with Misty taking out a lot of their members, the people who did said setup.. have left at this point. IT's down to blob, pyro and avalanche. And while I like all three for their designs and they've had great development in later years... in this case their just three interchangable mooks. Destiny's the one really making them dangerous and with the people who actually personally hurt the avengers gone, it looses any emotional weight. It's just the avengers against some b-list super villians. I've seen this before, i'll see it again and while it's fun enough it just feels like padding. What Chris HAD to do to justify the issue. It would've been more intresting had they actually escaped. The avengers won, the brotherhood just had to retreat. But i'm guessing Chris wanted the actual escape in his own book, and knew it'd also be weird if these guys beat the avengers and the earth's mightest heroes weren't after them.

It's nice ot see the brotherhood in this sort of situation.. but I can see why we only saw them pop up more elsewhere after they became freedom force: it's a lot easier to have the heroes eat the loss or the villians loose when the villians are working for the goverment and thus wont' be going back to jail.

The ending of this annual.. is what we came for though, the big centerpiece. The only thing I can say bad about it is the art. See the avengers come to see Carol, whose staying with the x-men, and will be for the next 20 or so issues of their title. More on that in a moment. For whatever reason artist micheal golden.. decided to have her pool side so this scene of a woman talking about her sexual assault.. is done in a swimsuit.

The art in general is the book's weakpoint: As a critic while i'll point out stuff I dont' like I generally try to be positive. Something bad like Avengers 200 isn't my usual wheelhouse. i'll gladly REVIEW terrible media for money, but even then I try to be fair.

But while the writing is good as any Claremont story of the era... the art from Micheal Golden is just bad. It's bad. At best i'ts inoffensive and at worst we have Rogue's looking like she's a 4 year old who found mommy's make up

Wonder Man looking like he pulled everything , everywhere all at once and cannot move from this pose as a result

Or the blob breifly replaced with a wax statue by the ghost of vincient price

Now credit where it's do there are good shots like this one of wanda

Or beast easily out manuvering pyro and blob

But as you can see their still not the BEST shots, just decent ones. It puts a damper on an otherwise solidly written book.

Speaking of which, it's time for the moment you've been waiting for, the reason we're here. Carol has the x-men and Jessica go inside, she needs to speak with her guests alone. Before she does though there's one small moment.. but an important one

It's a small subtle thing.. but the fact Jess is still here despite this scene taking place weeks later... shows she was there for Carol's recovery. While she found out what happened.. she cared enough to stay by her side and help her.. and it was through that one of the strongest friendships in the marvel universe war born. While it takes Jess becoming relevant again to really take hold, the two have been best friends for most of modern marvel, only briefly having a falling out over civil war II.. and even that didn't last long. Jessica and Carol are each othe'rs ride or die, and that call goes both ways. While we never see these weeks their what built a bond stronger than any on earth.

But this is something Carol has to do alone.

It's an utterly heartbreaking scene, one of the best in Chris Claremont's long career on this reread. The pure PAIN in carol's voice comes through in print, a hard feet but one Chris makes seem easy. And while Golden's artwork still isn't the best... he does a damn fine job of capturing her pain without making it melodramatic: instead we see a person who was horribly violated, has her friends casually assume she was in love with her rapist and even has one loudly tell her "no we saw you you didn't see what you think we saw".. only for Carol to calmly and tearfully explain that no, she did. Marcus violated her, and they LET HIM take her with him. It's only through sheer grace of his instant death far worse didn't happen and by then he'd still done more than enough.

What i love is that while Claremont is very thinly calling out how horrible the writing was.. he dosen't let his understandable outrage hurt his ablility to make a good narrative out of it: many a comic writer can succumb to clumisly fixing what they deem a mistake or even when fixing an actual mistake, fumble the ball. Chris here however turns it into character: Carol calls them out, tearfully, but calmly and lets them know how bad they hurt her, how bad they betrayed her.. but right after also makes it clear theyc an learn from this. They HAVE to learn from this. And if they do maybe all of this will have had SOMETHING good come out of it. But that's their choice.

It gives Carol agency back after an issue that was determined to strip it away, mocking her for not wanting a baby that was forced on her, that left her to a "happy ending" with her rapist." She could wallow in anger, but chooses to move on. She's cutting the avengers out of her life for now.. but after all they've done she can't bare to have them in it, and that panel above, that one right there shows how badly they get that: they came expecting to get some closure.. and instead got the wakeup call that they lost that one. Their friend was in pain, needed help, and they ignored what she wanted, ignored her concerns.. and like marcus ignored her consent. LIke him they didn't care what she wanted or who she was, just waht this whole thing meant to them. And it's clear fromt heir expressions.. that won't happen again.

I also like how it ends: Wanda, the one of them who was the most supportive during this debacle (and was missing during the sendoff with captain rapist, rest in dust you miserable bastard), is the most broken up by it and tells her sorry.. and Carol wipes her tears and accepts it, knowing at least one person tried not to betray her. It's a fitting sendoff for Carol's time in the avengers, a time that wouldn't come again till the 90's, one that dosen't let the avengers off the hook at all and has them utterly raked over the coaals for their henious actions, but allows her to move on

The final scene is in the Quinjet, as most of the avnegers sit in stone silence as the weight of everything hits them.. but it's once again wanda whose the most affected

It's a hell of an ending, one that offers no easy comfort.. simply the promise that maybe there will be a better tommorow. It's not easy making a mistake.. but it's the harder step learning from it. And evne harder to live with what others have inflicted on you.

So yeah while the art is hit and miss.. this issue is still solid. THe last act really steals the show, and is one long callout by chris.. but again it's done perfectly in character, a way to bridge carol leaving the avengers and joining the x-men and to make the Avengers deal with what they did. To make sure #200 isn't just fixed, with Carol back and Marcus a pile of dust, but to make sure it isn't forgotten. It's easier in comics to just.. wipe away a bad decision, and sometims necessary. But it's ofen the better route to take a huge writing mistake and refit it for character.

As for Carol her story would continue: she'd basically join the x-men, helping them on occasion, then get shot up into space with them, with her powers reawakend and reformatted as the even STRONGER binary. But with her emotions attached to most of her memories gonCarol's place on earth was gone and she took to the stars. She'd regain those emotions and rejoin earth of course, rejoining the avnegers, leading them and eventually becoming Captain Marvel.

As for Rogue.. having Carol's Memories would nearly drive her insane, revealing her not as the callous monster seen here.. but as a scared 20 or so year old... and forced to turn to the people who hated her most for help. But that.. my friend sis a story for next year. For now .. we can take comfort that even with lows like Civil War II under her belt.. Carol has never been through something like avengers #200 again.. and god willing never will. Thanks for reading

[gazzhowie]

My Top 25 Movies of 2023.

Sitting in cinema screens in 2023 has continued to re-enforce that it is a weird time for the industry, with huge three hundred million dollar (!) blockbusters attracting only ten or twenty people per screen on opening weekend and highly acclaimed independent movies being given no home except for a dumped VOD release. This year felt ‘tough’ being a fan of both great films and the big screen experience. 

Anyway, scaremongering over... it is time for me to dust off the cobwebs from my Tumblr account and post my Top 25 movies of this year, 2023.

[Years 2008 through to present are available in the archive.] 

As always, films listed are based on their UK release date whether that’s in the cinema or on DVD, VOD etc. Which was a tough rule to stick to this year because I thoroughly enjoyed the lean and effective b-movie action horror antics of Last Voyage of the Detmer, which could’ve earned a slot on my list had its UK release not been pulled 2 weeks prior to its date due to its European distributor going bankrupt. 

Frequent visitors know that I’ll throw out a few special mentions to all the films that I wish I could’ve included but couldn’t make fit yet believe they deserve a shout-out regardless and then I get stuck into what I think are the 25 best films of the year. Anyway, without further ado, here are the ‘also-rans’ and ‘near-misses’ separated per genre that very nearly made the final list:

Action movies that I have enjoyed this year include The Covenant which holds the distinction of being an actually enjoyable and tolerable Guy Ritchie movie, John Wick: Chapter 4 who’s bludgeoning and unnecessary excess gives way to a final hour that is part ode to Walter Hill’s The Warriors and part ‘modern action classic’ effort, Guardians of the Galaxy 3 which was uneven but still the best Marvel effort in quite some time (though that is a low compliment), the first part of the French two-parter Three Musketeers: D'Artagnan which brings John Wick-ian action to the oft-told tale, the Gerard Butler ‘Prime Exclusive’ double-bill that was Kandahar and Plane, Denzel Washington’s (“final”) entry in his Equalizer series and Thomas Jane’s cheapo Brannigan / Coogan’s Bluff b-movie tribute, One Ranger. 

Not many comedies impressed me this year but going off the ones that made me laugh and surprised me some what were the kind of delightful Woody Harrelson sporting underdog remake Champions, the vastly better than we all thought it was going to be / surprise sleeper success of the year No Hard Feelings and the ‘animals saying uncouth things’ silliness that was Strays. 

I liked a lot of horrors this year; the legitimately great (no seriously!) Influencer, the gimmick-heavy but incredibly effective No One Will Save You, the immensely fun Kids Vs Aliens, the Covid-19 slasher that you didn’t realise you secretly sort of wanted that was Sick, the semi-disappointing yet still enjoyable recalibration that was Evil Dead Rise, the Godzilla-homaging creature feature The Lake and the frankly insane / insanely nasty Project Wolf Hunting. 

Not a huge amount of animation blew me away this year but Leo was a stand-out for not just being shockingly good but for the sheer amount of repeated viewings it has gone through in my house with my boys without it losing too much. I have to also give props to Spiderman: Across The Spiderverse which was gorgeous to look at and immensely entertaining but excessive and unwieldly to its own detriment.

It was a good year for documentaries with both Milli Vanilli and The Pigeon Tunnel impressing me immensely. The former being surprising in its depth and emotion. But within the documentary form it was a banner year for the ‘biography’ approach with genuinely excellent and thorough studies of fascinating people. I loved Mr Dress Up, Still: A Michael J. Fox Movie, Judy Blume Forever, Hatton and Albert Brooks: Defending My Life.

Dramas I’ve liked a lot in 2023 have been Till which moved me immensely, the justifiably acclaimed May December, The Burial which was far more captivating than it had any cause to be, the Netflix survivalist preposterousness that was Nowhere, Ben Affleck’s fabulously entertaining Air which was another entry in the ‘business origins’ subgenre that continues to somehow flourish, Michael B. Jordan’s overdirected but strong Creed 3, the ode to old-fashioned 1990s studio potboiler thrillers that was To Catch a Killer, the Sky Original Dead Shot and the smart phone / techno warning Unlocked.

And in a little section all of its own marked ‘better than they had any right to be’ I’ve got to give a shout-out to Elizabeth Banks’ incompetently directed but decidedly fun Cocaine Bear, the Jackie Chan / John Cena greenscreen-heavy team-up Hidden Strike, the wonky but fun Scream 6, the exhaustive Extraction 2, the low-bar hurdling Blue Beetle and the absolutely insane (and mildly better than the last two excretable efforts) Fast X.

And now… my Top 25 favourite movies of 2023… but for those who know me to be an enormous John Woo aficionado I will make clear from the outset that at the time of compiling this I still have not seen Silent Night. Sorry. 

25. The Caine Mutiny Court-Martial

We must mention William Friedkin’s last film before his death - a reminder that the man was a master filmmaker across the board but specifically a master at letting the material and the performance(s) lead. Never has that felt more reinforced than with his interpretation of The Caine Mutiny Court-Martial where, like what he did with his excellent made-for-tv redo of 12 Angry Men, he lets the power of one single setting, a very good cast and exceptional material (in this case a soft update of Herman Wouk's 1953 play of the same name) lead and he gets out of the way and stays there. A more fragile or less confident director at the age Friedkin was, at that point in his career / so close to the end, would've likely been tempted to go big or get flashy to show they've still "got it". There was nothing fragile or unconfident about Friedkin right up to the end. This is an impressively engrossing watch with a great kick at the end that Jason Clarke absolutely sells the shit out of.

24. Talk to Me

I genuinely thought the 'hype' machine was going to have seriously done a number on this, a la BARBIE, but thankfully that turned out not to be the case.

Directors Danny and Michael Philippou have taken a weathered and well-worn concept - that grief and trauma can be open gateways for otherworldly malevolence to exploit - and they've injected it with a fresh voice / energy, whilst respecting 'old standards' like practical effects work.

The concept is decidedly hokey and the lead character isn't particularly likable to say the least (though Sophie Wilde is excellent playing her), but the Philippou Brothers are so thoroughly committed here and the practical effects work is so impressive that it's infectious.

You're almost pulled 'in' despite yourself because the scares are so well-executed and the feeling of dread is so effectively threaded. You know you're being 'played' and you try to fight against it, but it's a mark of its quality that it gets you anyway.

23. Beau Is Afraid 

If Taika Waititi parlayed the goodwill and acclaim from a series of beloved low-budget Kiwi comedies into a mainstream career making multimillion dollar Marvel movies and becoming one of the most sought after studio hires of the last decade, then Ari Aster has used the instantly accepted and highly regarded successes of HEREDITARY and MIDSOMMER to... *checks notes* ... work through some complicated shit involving his relationship with his mother (and his father - who may or may not be an actual 'penis monster') and have arthouse kingmakers A24 pay $35 million for it.

This made less than a third of its $35 million budget back (because, come on now, how on earth do you effectively market this thing?) so it's tiring but true that the label "cult classic" has •already• been applied to it.

Look, I'm offering zero defence to accusations against the film that it is overlong, incredibly self-indulgent, ill-disciplined, carrying nowhere near the depth it claims to, tiresome and exhausting. It IS all those things. By the final stretch it is floundering haaard and there's a serious feeling of being trolled starting to set in.

But, first of all, it shouldn't be discounted how excellent and effective Joaquin Phoenix is here and Aster's wildly uneven material is greatly assisted by his casting. Secondly, it has to be acknowledged that there's moments - long stretches, in fact - where there's absolute brilliance at play here.

There's masterfully crafted moments of genuine hilarity (dark hilarity, for sure) alongside flashes of abject discomforting horror. I'd go so far as to say some of the most interesting, inventive, unique and intriguing moments in cinema this year are tucked away inside this behemoth of a clusterfuck.

People pushed hard for the extended cut of MIDSOMMER to be released. I'm pushing for the reduced cut of this.

22. There’s Something in the Barn 

 I thoroughly enjoyed and had a great time with this. It's not at all embarrassed to lean into its influences, evoking affectionate RARE EXPORTS / GREMLINS vibes without coming across like its heavily plagiarising from them.

 It’s got a terrific dry wit to it thanks to writer Aleksander Kirkwood Brown's script and which the cast, especially Martin Starr (essentially doing his SPIDER-MAN shtick here) and a very winsome Amrita Acharia, sell well. And director Magnus Martens doesn't skimp on the dark stuff and sense of foreboding either.

 There's no snobbishness to put up against this thing - it's a horror comedy that made me laugh multiple times and jump occasionally. That's a very solid success to me and I highly recommend it if the likes of RARE EXPORTS, KRAMPUS, CHRISTMAS BLOODY CHRISTMAS and SINT are favourites of yours.

21. Pearl

I'm a big fan of Ti West and I really enjoyed X, which was one of my Top 25 of 2022 and which in my review I defended by saying:

"... It's very easy to dismiss what West is doing here as just an exacting homage to THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE but it's more than that. Obviously there's overt nods to it but you could also suggest West is doffing his cap affectionately to Paul Thomas Anderson's BOOGIE NIGHTS, Alfred Hitchcock's PSYCHO and, yes, both Lewis Teague's ALLIGATOR and Tobe Hooper's EATEN ALIVE as well..."

This is an interesting companion piece to that movie (with a third entry, MAXXXINE, imminent) made more fascinating due to how it came into existence:

 Whilst in their Covid 'bubble' prior to production beginning out in New Zealand for X, director Ti West and star Mia Goth became so enamoured with the backstory they were creating for the character of Pearl that they wrote an entire prequel, pitched it to A24 and built filming into the back end of the original production. A high value 'two-ffer' if ever there was one.

The end result is something less blatantly and broadly enjoyable than the first (second) story but it's definitely the more curious and interesting one; if X really was Ti West's TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE / BOOGIE NIGHTS / PSYCHO / EATEN ALIVE bastardisation, this is his Douglas Sirk melodrama injected with Technicolor and falsely set loose as a 'follow your dreams' fable gone really, really wrong.

It obviously lives and dies by the lead performance and, by crikey, Mia Goth is so good here. That much-memed final credits thing is lauded but it's that late stage monologue that drops your jaw a little. If horror wasn't so easily dismissed her performance would've won awards.

For years we've always considered horror prequels to be the nadir of the genre. After all, who cares if Leatherface only became Leatherface because he was made redundant? Or Jason Vorhees killing nubile teens because he got his pot farm trampled on? Or... or... how no one taking Michael Myers trick or treating turned him into a psychopath? Here though, PEARL indicates that doesn't always have to be the case.

20. Reality 

For those worrying as to whether Sydney Sweeney's tsunami of scantily-clad content across advertising and social media platforms has left her precariously overexposed (in more ways than one), along comes this fascinating and considered film to remind you that behind the bikinis, the false nails and the airbrushing is an extremely talented actress capable of incredibly powerful work.

Devoid of make-up, carrying the film nearly 70% of the time in close-up shots she can't fake her way free from and regimentally parroting the actual recorded FBI transcripts down to every sigh, stumble and gulp Sweeney is frankly astonishing in how she carries this thing.

Director Tina Satter keeps things tight in terms of both location, framing and running time (it plays as an almost real-time exercise) and as a result the film becomes a riveting, claustrophobic and maddening display (how did Reality Winner's actual charges and ridiculous sentence stand when all of this occurred without correct due process and legal entitlements being followed from the outset?) from a first-time film director showing exceptional command of her cast and her visual space.

19. Fair Play 

Chloe Domont's corporate morality play / torchlight on gender politics by way of a recalibration of the 1990s style erotic thriller is all the more astounding because of how assured and masterfully controlled it is for someone's feature directorial debut.

 Driven by two excellent performances from Phoebe Dynevor (who I'd not seen before in anything and was astonished by her) and Alden Ehrenreich (who I think is terrific and deserves treated way better by the industry), and supported by atypically great turns from Eddie Marsan and Rich Sommer, this thing has no right to be as engulfing and nail-biting as it is for what it is.

 Domont refuses to make compromises or concessions in the way she presents latent sexism, money, toxic alpha cultures, wounded pride and corporate backstabbing infecting her characters. It's a brutal, relentless ride she takes us on.

 One where the brash bloodied cunnilingus opener keeps returning to your conscience like it was heavy foreboding for what feels inevitable - these two can't keep tearing away at each other like this, surely? Not without someone dying at the other's hands.

 You keep trying to shake that feeling off, telling yourself that it's not ~that~ kind of film. But as this thing starts to barrel towards its third act it is testament to Domont, and how Dynevor / Ehrenreich are executing her material, that you come to realise all bets are off.

18. Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One 

There's action movie franchises and then there's •this• action movie franchise; hitting its stride at the fourth entry, delivering back-to-back masterpieces with its fifth and sixth and now this - a seventh entry so frickin good it rides out evident flaws (and Mark Gatiss' horrendous "accent") that would absolutely fatally decimate other films!

Because it feels sacrilegious to even say this but the latest entry manages to straddle both being very good, decidedly high end, etc etc and... *whispers it* ... kinda 'samey' to what we've had since Christopher McQuarrie became 'grand master':

Still no one trusts the inherent righteous genius of Ethan Hunt, forcing him to go against one and all. Blah blah. There's excessive shots of Tom Cruise running. Yes, yes. There's elaborate stunts seamed together by a 'not as clever as it thinks' plot. Of course. And too many characters. Far too many. Confoundingly, it feels somehow a little stale and yet brilliant.

The film's 'grand' action sequence this time round has been so overexposed, so heavily spoilt (a making of dissection for it ran before the film itself at my screening for Christ's sake) that you naturally assume it'd deflate a little by the time you see it 'in context'. That's not so. Mainly because it is actually just the entrée to the main course which is the train finale.

The climax is an utter masterwork of technical execution, mixing real stuntwork with very well done greenscreen and (yes, shocking as it is to say for a Tom Cruise movie) CGI facial replacement alongside terrifically accomplished narrative construction.

 If like me you continue to be aggrieved by the presence of Simon Pegg's Benji and how he's ostensibly exactly the same character as Luther with exactly the same skillset, routinely forcibly sidelining a vastly superior Ving Rhames, then that's more evident here than ever before. So much so that they literally 'Poochie' Luther out of the film in the third act. Which is obviously racist bullshit. Also, I know I stand alone in my apathy towards Rebecca Ferguson (I really don't get the adoration for her / her character at all) and my hatred for Vanessa Kirby and all the stupid gurning that comes with her, but both are drowned out by a crackin' turn by Pom Klementieff and a performance from Hayley Atwell that you really need to believe the hype on; she lights up the screen and is a tremendous comedy player amongst all the weighty waffle.

And that's the film's biggest flaw that ROGUE NATION and FALLOUT both managed to masterfully swerve - the minute the action stops the film starts to sink under the weight of really heavy exposition. Mounds and mounds of the stuff, in fact.  I know McQuarrie and Cruise have been open about how they conceive a script around action set-pieces but this is the first time where the stitchwork is so headache-inducing having to listen to it that you start to see a wobble in the method for the first time... even more so now McQ and Cruise have started injecting all this whiffery about "the choice" and portentous context about how IMF agents work, are recruited, etc. Like, what are you doing trying to 'John LeCarre' my fucking MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE movies, goddamnit?

 Still, it's the most minor of hardships considering you're never more than 10 minutes off from getting out the other side of all that exposition and getting to another sublime action sequence or a close up of Atwell's wonderous smile.

17. Sisu 

"Sisu is a Finnish concept described as stoic determination, tenacity of purpose, grit, bravery, resilience, and hardiness, and is held by Finns themselves to express their national character. It is generally considered not to have a literal equivalent in English (tenacity, grit, resilience and hardiness are much the same things, but do not necessarily imply stoicism or bravery)."- Wikipedia

The RAMBO sequels should look to this, kneel before it and weep just for being in its presence.

And we better start doing the same with Jalmari Helander, who in just three movies has done Finnish 'interpretations' of John Carpenter horrors, 80s Amblin movies and now 'lone warrior' action films to magnificent effect.

This is a gloriously ridiculous live action cartoon of violent excess and bonkers propulsion; land, water and air set-pieces of utter insanity stitched together with inventive, nasty gore.

It is outlandish in its speed, its fat-free story construction and its refusal to ever stop or give way to wimpy, silly things like character development.

16. Puss in Boots: The Last Wish

I totally get Hollywood's whoreish mentality for seeing something succeed and then bastardising it to the point that what we once loved is something we become bored by - it's why we suffered through a noughties onslaught of what felt like nothing but zombie movies because 28 DAYS LATER landed well or why everyone's trying to do "shared universes" now because of Marvel.

Or why after the massive success and instant affection for INTO THE SPIDER-VERSE every animated movie of late has been plagiarising the hell out of it.

You saw the trailer for this - a heavily belated sequel to a spin-off from a SHREK sequel - pulling that very shit and it just felt a bit like your old dad after your mum's left him, spraying on the 'hair filler' and squeezing into skinny jeans to "get back out there" and prove he's "still got it"...

... and then it just casually reveals itself to be a film of massively inventive design (both visually and narratively), that's surprisingly deep and very funny - and as a result superior to both its predecessor and the entire franchise from which it was born.

You don't •think• you NEED time spent in the company of Olivia Colman and Ray Winstone as Mama Bear and Papa Bear or Florence Pugh as Goldilocks and John Mulaney as Jack Horner... or best of all ELITE SQUAD's Wagner Moura as Death... but you absolutely do! Don't make the mistake of thinking you're 'above' this sort of thing, cos I can guarantee you you're not.

It's a delight!

15. Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny 

It feels like I've got to be apologetic in my opinion of this if 'Film Twitter' / the critical majority is to be believed, in which case I'm sorry but I enjoyed this. I just don't think you should ever underestimate the positive impact factor(s) that can be drawn from this particular actor turning up on screen as this particular character, scored to John Williams' music. And I'm saying this as someone who's seen KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL.

 I can see why people would have issue with this latest / last outing; it's overlong to the point of bagginess (there's a staleness that starts to set in from the repetition of Jones and Co landing at a location, having the baddies immediately show up, outwit them and make off with the macguffin only for Jones to steal it back) and the character of Helena Shaw is a fairly odious and unlikeable one who exists to cause more shit for Indiana Jones than is tolerable (and I was no fan for the most part of how Phoebe Waller-Bridge played her).

And then there's the 'look' of it too. Did it HAVE to have such a shitty, plastic sheen to it? It cannot be overstated that one of the most tremendous qualities of those first three INDIANA JONES movies was in how Spielberg went out to REAL locations and had Vic Armstrong and Harrison Ford REALLY ride REAL horses and jumped on top of REAL tanks or fall under REAL trucks. Here, it's pixels and screens. Again. With nothing learnt from the issues KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL generated.

James Mangold has done a commendable job of 'apeing' Steven Spielberg and there's a lot - and I mean a lot - of great action here. But the vast majority of it has the shine taken off by continually cutting into terrifically adrenalinised action sequences to insert very obvious greenscreened shots of Ford and Waller-Bridge bickering and shouting like they were really honestly / definitely / maybe there involved with the sequence when it was getting filmed.

It's infuriating because this thing is stacked to the gills with thoroughly enjoyable, legitimately well-designed action sequences - the escape from the castle in the French Alps, the Apollo 11 parade and New York City Subway chase, the Tangier sequence, the Aegean Sea set-piece, the Ear of Dionysius cavern stuff and the airfield chase - but in every single one there's moments of really quite shoddy CGI that draws you right out of the moment to remind you 80% of this was done on computers. There's not ever a moment to make you gasp in awe at how the stunt-man survived like in the original trilogy. But there's a LOT of moments that has you thinking "This thing cost $350 million?"

But all that said, Mangold making a 'fan' version of a Steven Spielberg INDIANA JONES movie is better than Steven Spielberg phoning in one. And I'm not going to lie, this thing had me from the minute the font come up in the opening titles and we got a straight-up legitimate 1940s set INDIANA JONES mini-movie (which seemed to sit as an eery bedfellow to MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 7, weirdly enough) with the best... though still not flawless... de-ageing techniques I've seen.

14. The Fabelmans

It's more than a little disingenuous for all involved, specifically Steven Spielberg himself, to describe this as "semi-autobiographical" and "loosely based" on his adolescence and first years as a filmmaker when anyone who's read any number of books on the man or watched director Susan Lacy's 2017 biographical documentary can see the beats are all there, wholesale. If THIS is "loosely" then the biopic version would be the greatest invasion of privacy ever committed. This ~isn't~ a "fable", man!

I can also see with it why some have braced against it and the instant critical adoration that was applied to it, because the longer it sticks around the more muddled it becomes about what its point of view is and whether it has anything left to say. By the end it slides to a stop after 2½ hours with an admittedly wonderful (and wonderfully bizarro) comedic bon mot having scattered barely etched vignettes / sketches in its final stretch. And tonally, there's questions as to really what was trying to be said with that late 'Ditch Day' subplot and whether co-writer Tony Kushner was working through his OWN stuff within Spielberg's memory bank.

That being said, I loved it in all honesty. For the first two thirds of its running time, I thought it was •really• something special - and anyone pushing out the notion that this is Spielberg on autopilot ain't watching this properly. That cold pan cutting his [screen] father from the frame in a moment of parental happiness but leaving in his [screen] mother and her lover? That's some brutal, subtle craftsmanship there. And layered on top of choices like that is more precision cinematography from Janusz Kamiński and scoring (for the final time?) by John Williams.

The performances across the board from Gabriel LaBelle (as 'Sammy' / Spielberg), Michelle Williams, Paul Dano, [CENSORED] and Seth Rogen are extremely good. Though as atypically great as Williams is here, I'm not certain this ends up being the 'ode' to Spielberg's mum, Leah Adler, that some think it to be.

I totally understand the perspective of those that see this cynically as a 'pre-designed awards hoover' - you can't help but come away from Judd Hirsch's cameo feeling like the entire thing was written as a Best Supporting Actor Oscar clip reel - but for me it just hit me right in the chest... exactly as it will for anyone who spent some of their best summers with their dearest friends, being creative, making films, watching films, dreaming of a future that involved cinema, fending off unsupportive family and trying to hold close those that did try to help your talent flourish.

13. Babylon

As much as Film Twitter has taken against BABYLON's final moment, it must be said that for a "love letter" to cinema and the movie industry overall, Chazelle can 'sign it off' how he likes (and "SINGIN' IN THE RAIN to AVATAR" is certainly •a• take!) with no obligation to be subtle. However, considering there's NOTHING subtle about this film whatsoever preceding it, why you'd think it's conclusion would be any different is silly.

I'm a Damien Chazelle fan. I liked WHIPLASH and LA LA LAND enormously and I genuinely consider FIRST MAN one of the finest films of the last decade. No matter its flaws (of which there are several), I drew a great deal of enjoyment from this, his latest effort. Repeat viewings have put it as one of my favourite films of 2023.

It's a very, very messy film. Chazelle seems to believe the debauchery and excess of the era his narrative lands within - Hollywood's transition from silent to sound films in the late 1920s - gives him unrestrained reign with an overindulgent running time and a cavalcade of graphic content. Added to all the blood, vomit, excrement, etc etc the opening Kinoscope Studios Exec's bacchanalian mansion party is the "opening sequence of SAVING PRIVATE RYAN" of debauched, drug-fuelled, orgy sequences in cinema.

There's no real consistent throughline to any of this which makes it all the more difficult to embrace across 190 minutes and because it plays like a plethora of sketches it has massive peaks and troughs Chazelle doesn't always seem to have total control of - the vignette involving Margot Robbie's Nellie LaRoy first experience of recording a 'sound' take starts solid, gets funny, outstays its welcome and then beats you into submission.

There's a lot of excellence here though. Whether that's in Brad Pitt's surprisingly layered, moving and deft turn or through the sojourns onto the desert location shoots of multiple oscillating productions, topped off with the very 'on' appearance of Spike Jonze's 'Not Otto Preminger' Otto Von Strassberger.

I'm thinking that opening on elephant defecation and sordid acts of urolagnia is something that in retrospect director Damien Chazelle may well be regretting now critics have been "pissy" about his latest film and it's now considered the big box office "turd" of the year.

12. The Killer 

I've seen a few people talk about this as if it's "beneath" David Fincher, inarguably one of our greatest working filmmakers today. Like a tight hitman-out-for-revenge yarn based on Alexis Nolent and Luc Jacamon's comic book series is not "worthy" of him or something. Clearly these people are forgetting this is the same guy who spent 6 years in development hell on a WORLD WAR Z sequel, gave us the glorious (if flawed) bit of pulp that was THE GAME, the immensely effective b-movie in an a-picture gown in PANIC ROOM and remade an adaptation of a popular airport potboiler with THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO in amongst whatever is regarded as his "prestige" flicks.

It's absolutely a David Fincher movie; that's apparent in the droll humour, the Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross soundtrack and the clever visual flourishes - like the entire Amazon 'bit' in the final stretch.

It's a caper. A yarn, if you will. A bit of pulp, just with high end flourishes - such as Fincher's meticulous choices, Erik Messerschmidt's cinematography and the casting itself (Fassbender, Arliss Howard, Charles Parnell and Tilda Swinton).

There's this brilliant layering here between the clinical, detailed voiceover Michael Fassbender provides (that leads us to believe this is an assassin at the peak of his 'game') and the actions we physically see from him on screen (missed shots, beat downs suffered, etc) that indicate there's a little bit more than what's on the surface.

I had an absolute blast with this - a tight / immensely refreshing sub two hour, jet black comedic (the aliases!!) thriller that sits as Fincher's hat tip to Jean-Pierre Melville's classic, LE SAMOURAÏ.

... Though I do want to deduct a star off my final rating for the bit where Tilda Swinton co-opted my favourite 'go to' pub joke that I've relied on for 20 years. Now whenever I tell it people are going to say I've just ripped it off this, goddamnit!

11. Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.

What an absolute gem of a film!

You knew you were in steady hands because Judy Blume's 1970 source novel is just that good, Kelly Fremon Craig's EDGE OF SEVENTEEN is an instant classic and there's a dependable excellence that comes with casting the likes of Rachel McAdams and Kathy Bates.

But there was always the risk that this COULD'VE got fucked up. Some idiot at the studio might have tried to modernise it. Or believe that it needed more 'incident'. Or cast someone too precocious in the lead role. But James L. Brooks clearly bodyguarded this thing correctly.

The final result is a sweet, funny and very lovely little film with an absolute sweetheart of a turn from Abby Ryder Fortson as the title character.

I genuinely loved spending time watching this.

10. 20 Days in Mariupol 

There's a moment in this - Mstyslav Chernov's truly harrowing frontline documentary of the twenty days he and his colleagues spent besieged in Mariupol after Russia began its invasion of Ukraine - involving an emergency cesarean and an unresponsive newborn that is more upsetting, more thrilling and more uplifting than the combination of every horror and every feelgood drama released in the last five years.

This is the most important and vital film you'll see this year and then never ever want to see again.

More so because as humans in this modern age we rather callously only seem to have the heart / stomach / attention-span for one 'war' at a time, and we appear to have abandoned the Ukrainian conflict to refocus our outrage on what's going on in Gaza instead.

For large parts of it we feel like Mstyslav Chernov's been given exclusive access to the pits of hell and he's taking us on a tour. This is intense and riveting, shockingly so considering the unrepentant footage of dead or dying children.

9. The Night of the 12th 

I've worked in the field of investigation for over 20 years and I can tell you this much - this movie fuckin gets 'it', man.

In opening with the title card that it does it offsets any eventual disappointment you may feel when the ending arrives. You don't feel short-changed because you've been brought in from the start to share the frustration with the characters.

There's nothing easy here. Nothing pat. Just real investigatory pathways followed with dead ends jumping out in front when everything in your gut says this lead, that lead or the next was going to be 'the one'.

It painstakingly shows that the work is in the hours. And the work can become an obsession. An obsession that gives nothing back equitable to what it takes from you.

It starts with a suitably harrowing and upsetting sequence and it ends on character uplift in lieu of narrative resolution. It also sits as one of the best movies about the art and reality of investigation in modern cinema.

8. The Creator 

If there's anyone out there still 'over crediting' Tony Gilroy for the success of ROGUE ONE - one of the best (and the last great) STAR WARS films - this is the "fuck you" exhibit.

Gareth Edwards' sci-fi action epic doesn't entirely land its thematic intentions and hampers itself somewhat by placing dramatic reliance on the anti-acting vessel that is Gemma Chan, but by crikey is it an enthralling and gorgeous-looking ride. (John David Washington remains a magnetic watch, though I do wonder because he sounds so much like his dad whether we're all just hooked on the idea that they've 'prequelised' Denzel?)

You're gifted something here that feels like 1982 Ridley Scott and 1993 James Cameron have got together to play with action figures and do a sci-fi Vietnam movie... it's glorious stuff!

Full of some of the best effects and well realised set-pieces of the year, it's the old 'protect the child' trope given a beautiful lick of paint thick to feel make it feel just about unique enough and a) stand out in an ocean of comic book movies and sequels, and b) probably make Neil Blomkamp go "Ahhh. That's how you do this? Riii-ght!"

So of course no fucker showed up to watch it!

7. Close 

I don't really have friends. I don't have the sort of 'personality' that lends itself to people being able to find me tolerable at the most basic level - at least for more than a couple of hours at a time anyway. 

I've come to accept and acknowledge this fact the older I've got in life. I've always tried to make friends / keep friends etc but the type of person I am seemingly lends itself to being easily used and/or quickly put down.

It wasn't always like this though. When I was a child there was a boy who saw something in me that others did not and could not. He was in my class and lived close by my grandparents, where I spent most of my time. We were bonded by our loneliness amidst a sea of heads at school as much as our shared sense of humour. Even at a young age I came to appreciate this friend for simply •liking• me and we quickly became inseparable.

On the last day of school, with a vast and limitless summer ahead of us before separate high schools would provide an inevitable divide, we had an argument. A silly, stupid, ~nothing~ argument - significant enough in postscript that I can still recall it now 31 years on - that degenerated into shoving and me accidentally banging his head off a bathroom wall during lunchbreak.

We left school that day with our friendship impacted and the first week of the summer holiday's heavily damaged by him not being by my side in it. And on the very night that I finally decided I didn't want this to continue any longer... that the very next morning I would pick up the phone and ask him if he wanted to go ride bikes in the dene... he died.

An asthma attack. A fuckin asthma attack.

He died not believing that I was his friend and that devastated me. It still does. 31 years later, I think about Neil at least once a week. I see clips of talent show magicians and KNOW that'd have been him. I've tried all my life to replicate a friendship like it and I've never succeeded. But can we ever generate that closeness in adulthood towards someone like we could as children, when we were free of responsibility and bonded by limitless possibility?

I've frequently wondered what my life would've been like if Neil had still been in it, telling myself over and over that this would've been one of the rare pre-teen childhood friendships that lasted.

I miss him and would give anything to be able to deliver the apology to him that he deserved then and is still owed now.

So... all THAT said... it goes without saying that this deeply human, carefully etched and very naturally drawn drama hit me like a train travelling at 150mph.

This is one of the most effective and important films about grief, trauma-processing, adolescence and friendship that there's been in some time.

It really is a brilliant piece of cinema that should be shown in schools to every kid from twelve upwards.

6. The Eight Mountains 

Felix van Groeningen and Charlotte Vandermeersch's adaption of Paolo Cognetti's novel is a (both visually and emotionally) astonishingly beautiful effort with two fascinating and textured performances from Alessandro Borghi as the adult Bruno and Luca Marinelli as the adult Pietro.

It's an intimate epic; a careful, patient and quietly profound treaty on friendship, life, love, ambition, Buddhist concepts, ancient Indian cosmology, growth, nature and the weight of legacy.

Come for the stunning footage of the gorgeous Italian Alps, but stay to be deeply moved by something really rather special, wholehearted and sincere that steps right over whatever BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN esque expectations or assumptions you may well carry into this.

5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem 

I've never understood anyone - especially the aged fanboys frequently responsible for ruining the STAR WARS and MARVEL 'discourse' - who's shown territoriality over the TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES as a "franchise".

The reason this ramshackle 1984 indie comic by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird has blown up into five television series, seven films, multiple video games and a range of toys / merchandise for four decades is mostly down to the way it sorta reinvents itself every five or so years. Which means there's some form of TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES 'content' now for all of us in one way or another.

And one of the most impressive - but not THE most impressive - things about this film is how it incorporates something from everything that's gone before without becoming a complete mess. The spirit of the comic book source material is front and centre alongside the legitimate effort of the 1990 movie adaptation. The "that'll do" crappy clart of its sequels is avoided whilst the huge scale of the maligned Bay-ified 2014 - 2016 movies is represented. It definitely captures everything about the first Saturday morning cartoon that enamoured the property to us way back when.

It's a glorious effort. It truly is. I watched it with my son and his friends and the huge grins on their faces was infectious. I struggled to think of another entertainment entity that has moved so effortlessly through the generations like this has.

It's a visually resplendent film. It takes the reconfiguration of the animated form a la the SPIDER-VERSE movies and delivers a surprisingly more focused and tighter effort than the latest SPIDER-VERSE sequel. It is dripping with an energy and confidence that will surprise you, as well as a whole heap of heart and humour that will delight.

Yeah, there's moments here and there where the energetic visual styling becomes a little too cluttered in its action sequences but it is a minor grumble against what is a surprising instant masterpiece of its type:

A sweet and funny teen movie walking in the shoes of an animated giant sized comic book blockbuster wearing the coat of a New York conspiracy film, drenched in classic East Coast hip-hop and a score by by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, and performed by one of the most impressively eclectic voice casts of recent.

(Within a roster of Hannibal Buress, Rose Byrne, John Cena, Ice Cube, Natasia Demetriou, Ayo Edebiri, Giancarlo Esposito, Post Malone, Rogen, Paul Rudd, Maya Rudolph, Micah Abbey, Shamon Brown Jr, Nicolas Cantu and Brady Noon, it is Jackie Chan that absolutely steals this thing by a considerable distance!)

4. Asteroid City 

If you aren't a Wes Anderson fan this is not the film that is going to convert you. An immaculately stylised and composed metatextual 'Russian Nesting Doll' celebration of the construction of art and the art of storytelling? No way. No how.

There was elements of it that didn't work for me but what •did• work I was head over heels in love with. The [CENSORED]*constructs felt almost like afterthoughts and didn't particularly resonate. A lot of reviews hit Anderson for being unfocused and overindulgent, and I kinda can see where they're coming from. But only with regards to that particular element.

[* censored by me and hopefully by everyone else because they've done a wonderful job of hiding the story construct from the marketing]

The rest of the film is primo Wes Anderson in his most astonishingly stylised form with his attention to detail never more sharp.

A complaint that must be noted though is in the casting, where the usual 'Anderson Players' appear to have ran a 'pyramid scheme'; bringing in actors who's casting has attracted other actors to the point of it being too cluttered an ensemble in too lean a film to let everyone truly shine. Despite all the plaudits, I think Scarlett Johansson is well out of her depth here. And I just think if you're going to hire the likes of Steve Carell (replacing a Covid-addled Bill Murray at the last minute), Margot Robbie (who should've played Johansson's part, and vice versa) and the sublime Sophia Lillis but barely use them properly it's almost a crime!

When it's funny it is hilarious. When it is delightful it sits as a heavenly confection. And when it wobbles it still isn't as ponderous and disappointing as some of the lesser elements of THE FRENCH DISPATCH.

3. Oppenheimer 

I found every plaudit for this to be true and what a reward it was to receive as cinema lies stale in its current state, crusted with the stale decay of innumerable shitty-sheened superhero movies and sequels to things no one was asking for.

Here's a mature, complex, expertly constructed character study of great depth and intelligence; a film primarily made up of scientists and mathematicians thinking and squabbling amongst themselves whilst a non-linear deep betrayal born of immense pettiness plays out almost as an appendices to the traditional biopic... yet, thanks to the music of Ludwig Göransson and editing by Jennifer Lame, it moves like this insanely kinetic action thriller instead.

The ending stretch feels almost ~too~ trite and neat though, it must be said. Although maybe I'm tarnished by a feeling that no movie should depend on the cripplingly irritating overacting of Rami Malek to play last-minute 'saviour'.

Cillian Murphy is frankly outstanding here and whilst most critics have the Best Supporting Actor Oscar locked for Robert Downey Jr (who's brilliant and who's Lewis Strauss receives a 'kiss off' by Nolan here that almost feels like a Marvel Cinematic Universe esque tease for a sequel about Strauss arranging the JFK assassination!) it would be good to see Matt Damon get some recognition here as his General Groves very nearly steals the whole movie with very little.

The casting is so sumptous overall that every scene induces a "Hey! That's..." as the likes of Kenneth Branagh, Josh Hartnett, Casey Affleck, David Krumholtz, Matthew Modine, Benny Safdie, Jason Clarke, Michael Angarano, Jack Quaid, Josh Peck, Olivia Thirlby, Macon Blair, Tom Conti, James D'Arcy, David Dastmalchian, Dane DeHaan, Alden Ehrenreich, Tony Goldwyn, Alex Wolff, James Remar, James Urbaniak and (is it a spoiler to say?) Gary Oldman as Harry S. Truman roll out to 'play' for one or two minutes.

It's the sort of movie so stacked and packed even at 3 hours that it puts Emily Blunt (as Katherine "Kitty" Oppenheimer) in such an undercooked and underdeveloped role you wonder why they cast a 'star' in it... until that clearance hearing scene near the end where she goes and delivers the impact of a... well... an atomic bomb and you think to yourself "Oh. That's why they cast Emily Blunt!"

It's a gorgeous-looking - Hoyte van Hoytema's cinematography is luscious - cinematic achievement by Christopher Nolan, where his visual ambition and clinical cinematic technique have really come together once again to remind you the term "modern great" as a filmmaker is well earned.

2. Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves 

A "great time" - seeing as the film itself had my beloved GAME NIGHT's Jonathan Goldstein and John Francis Daley at the helm - perhaps. But a resoundingly delightful time that left me instantly eager for more of these movies and DEFINITELY future revisits of this one? I'm shocked at just how brilliant this was.

I can't believe that one of my favourite films of the year is a 'fantasy heist action comedy adventure' based on the infamous tabletop role-playing game.

Especially considering I've never played nor have any frame of reference / interest towards the tabletop game (my sole DUNGEONS & DRAGONS 'knowledge' stems from the 1980s cartoon series - which gets a pretty terrific nod here!) and one-third of the cast is made up of actors (Michelle Rodriguez and Regé-Jean Page) I can't normally stand.

I've been a big Chris Pine fan for a long time now and his performance in this only increases the fandom. And I've flat-out crushed on Sophia Lillis since IT and she's pretty tremendous (if a little underserved) here. The whole cast - yeah, including Rodriguez - are pretty wonderful with Hugh Grant clearly having a grand ol' time, a "big star" mid-movie cameo that'll only land depending on your opinion of this diversive 'talent' and Justice Smith very nearly stealing the movie out from under Pine.

This thing is built within the framework of a marriage between THE PRINCESS BRIDE and the aforementioned GAME NIGHT. It's ostensibly LORDS OF THE RINGS meets OCEAN'S 11; a series of ever escalating challenges and heists that are thrillingly executed within a film that's very, very, VERY funny. The opening prologue is a complete statement of intent ("Where's Jonathan?") that tells you exactly the movie you're going to get.

Killers of the Flower Moon / Godzilla: Minus One 

Simply astonishing to indulge in - there's such a deft, surprising delicacy to elements of Martin Scorsese's Killers of the Flower Moon that's all the more astounding considering the abhorrent subject matter.

That comes mainly from the performance Lily Gladstone provides this film with. In a sea of tremendous work - and by God it's both magnificent to see Robert DeNiro be great again and for Leonardo DiCaprio to finally do something in my eyes that lives up to his [overstated] reputation - she is working on some other stratospheric level.

Comments about the length by some don't resonate with me. I certainly didn't feel it, necessarily. It's probably the length it needs to be to do justice to the masterful source material its adapted, deliver a legitimate love story (of which, don't be fooled by its toxicity, this is), a film of weighted historical and cultural context AND a true life / true crime procedural.

It's surprisingly less gratuitous than you'd probably expect too. Especially considering we're in the hands of our greatest living filmmaker, someone who's never shied away from presenting us with absolute violence of an uncompromised nature.

There's also these splashes of jet black comedy occasionally popping up too - like the horribly bleak but darkly funny scene in which one henchman asks a lawyer about whether adopting then killing his Osage wife's kids would make him a benefactor of their riches. When the lawyer rightly points out it sounds like he's confessing to planning child murders he replies not unless the lawyer's answer would be affirmative.

This is a film that consumes you. It pulls you in and drags you down - you're in the presence of pure evil and weak character, and Scorsese expertly holds you there so escape feels as impossible as justice must have to the Osage.

It's very easy to 'throw around' the term "masterpiece" when it comes to Martin Scorsese. Mainly because the fucker keeps effortlessly making 'em. But by crikey this really is one.

Equally majestic as a piece of cinema, but in an entirely different form and genre is Takashi Yamazaki's Godzilla: Minus One.

By concentrating on making an interesting drama with genuinely well-etched characters (that just so happens to have a giant radioactive monster passing through intermittently) equal to a barnstorming blockbuster creature feature (that allows itself to be infected with enthralling drama and character development), this steps up in the year of the Godzilla franchise’s 70th year to take the position as its best entry [by a considerable distance] in its illustrious history.

Buzzing with some of the best set-pieces of the year soundtracked to a thumping and all-consuming score by Naoki Sato, there’s genius in recalibrating a Godzilla movie – of all things – in order to develop an incredibly touching human drama and social commentary about what makes a family, what is the true definition of patriotism and courage, what real service to one’s country presents as and how to find air to breathe / the will to go on in a post-war Japan where unrelenting despair hangs in the atmosphere wherever your head turns and ‘fear’ manifests itself as a skyscraper-sized lizard-of-sorts.

We know we’re being played with the cute kid and the manipulative makeshift family relations, but that doesn’t stop it being wonderful. The marriage of sincere impacts caused by war and loss with sci-fi fantasy (but no less tense) fantasy action shouldn’t work, but they very much do. This thing is firing on multiple levels and it succeeds across the board to stand as the best blockbuster of the year.   

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Here's a Letterboxd link for this whole thing if you're that way inclined.

Tell your mum I said hello.

See you next year...

[satohqbanana]

Here's another attempt on how I will tackle AV2 characters in my story, "The Prince and the Witch", which is a slight AU sequel to the events of Ean's Quest. While the story focuses on Nicolas and an OC, but this post details the way I will handle the main party!

IMPORTANT NOTE: I'm aware that the AV universe is supposed to have a feminist and matriarchal flavor to it. However, there are still integral parts of it that make me feel like it wasn't able to completely discard some male-dominant views. Since certain gimmicks and characterizations do rely on it, here I chose to still consider that side of AV.

Ean

He's just a Regular Guy TM in the Vale. He's had a pretty average life with the simple dream of carrying on everyday with his loved ones and watching them succeed with their own things.

Sometimes, he cares too much, and that's a problem.

He's not afraid to speak his mind, call people out, and demand responsibility from others. He also regularly establishes boundaries when he can. He's willing to back off in the face of a perceived bigger threat, but tries to find loopholes to get his desired outcome.

On that note, Ean could bottle up his rage and frustrations pretty well. He can summon them again in battle and can be scary when he needs to be.

As an elf from the Vale, he probably gets Problem Sense Tingles a la Spidey Sense whenever something in the Land of Man doesn't feel right.

He's a little shy with his romantic feelings for Iya.

He is very nurturing. He tries so hard to understand his party members, but majority of his focus is on Iya.

Among the party members, Rye is his best buddy and also serves as his teacher in battle.

He lets Ava take lead sometimes, and he is very accommodating to everyone else who offers to join them in his quest.

Iya

As someone who was born with potential and raised with praises, all she wants is validation, acceptance, and assurance. She likes doing things for others, if it will make them like her.

Her memories as old Iya are still fuzzy, partly from having her soul ripped apart, partly from being treated poorly by her family.

Song magic does rely on her voice, so she developed the habit of not saying much, until her anxiety gets the better of her.

She often sticks to Ean's side and opinions since she feels the safest next to him. She acts cutesy with him to win his affections and attention. She's always had a crush on him, though prior to her kidnapping she was too focused on pleasing her family to ever act on her feelings.

Thanks to her time in Shaenlir, she has quickly mastered the diplomatic smile. She is also very mindful of rules and would not like to break them or even go around them.

She's not as fond of anyone else in the party, but she's willing to be civil since that's what Ean wants. Emma and Gavin in particular make her a bit uncomfortable.

Rye

There's a specific type of girl he hates and it's the ones who dream of rose-colored lives with rich men saving them from a life of cold, hard manual labor. (He's good with women who he considers are rough and tough, like Emma and Ava.) This is heavily influenced by local girls, especially his older sisters.

He knows he's not as smart and he's insecure about it.

He likes to talk. A lot. He needs to spend energy talking or he'll end up very annoyed and unwilling to cooperate.

As a hunter and a farmer, he is the brawn of the party. He also serves as their cook and initially carried most of their stuff.

He utterly hates Iya and her perceived vulnerability and dependence on Ean.

He thinks what he feels for Emma is something akin to romance, because he genuinely wants to support a hardworking person like her (and Ean).

He respects Ava and Gavin as established people in their respective fields, but hates and envies Nicolas for being so privileged.

Though initially wary of Jack, they vibe together so Rye is willing to overlook the whole criminal thing.

Emma

Having grown in a kingdom obsessed with romantic love, she swore to stand out and be not like other girls for real. She delights in gross and ugly things mostly to make people leave her alone.

That said, she hates being bossed around. She will use the volume of her voice and change her posture to appear bigger.

Whatever she puts her mind to, she is good at it. The only things she would avoid delving in are romantic relationships and kids.

She wasn't too fortunate as a young girl, so as an adult, she promised to always get what she wants.

She isn't romantically interested in Rye, but she thinks he's twice as better as the other available candidates for a spouse since he has similar views on romance and wouldn't be a nuisance about it.

To deal with Nicolas, she plays dumb about his requests so he'd think she's too incompetent to be bossed around.

She likes having Ean as a leader since he allows her to do whatever as long as she's done with her part of the thing. She's less enthused with Ava around since she finds Ava a bit strict for her taste.

She likes to hang with Gavin because he's cool and they have the best banter together (after Rye).

She also likes to bully Iya a bit, because she thinks Iya should grow a spine.

As an occasional thief and mischief maker, she respects Jack's hustle; even asks him for his tips and tricks.

Nicolas

His mother is his father's second wife, thus the big age gap between him and Uthar. He was essentially a rainbow baby so Guevene spoiled him a lot.

The Uthar he met is more prim and proper, a dependable guy with a knack for pranks and fun times. He looks up to his brother and considers Uthar's word as law, so Nicolas will do the dirty work if Uthar tells him so.

Hard pass if it means he has to listen to someone else, though. He will do things when he feels like doing it.

He loves to be pampered. He feels entitled to other people's service. He does not care if they like him or hate him, as long as it does not inconvenience him.

He is very untrustworthy towards people who do not look attractive or "clean" to him, like the witches. He was taught that all these kinds of people would take advantage of him.

He initially only likes Iya among the party members because she knows how to act like a proper lady. He doesn't know she doesn't exactly like him.

He initially doesn't respect Ava and doesn't believe Uthar is friends with her.

He doubts Ean's leadership, but as long as Nicolas fulfills Uthar's request of him, he will see the end of the quest.

Ava

Her real name is Evangeline Harper. She became an outlaw because she hated her origin country's government. She eventually snuck out to sea, made her own name from befriending other runaways, and established her own crew. They use seemingly derogatory codenames to appear unserious and unalarming.

Her ship is called "Freowright". She got stuck in Seri for a bit after the Snow Queen deployed soldiers in the mainland; now Ava has two ships. The other ship, built during the resistance against the Snow Queen, she's nicknamed "The Commissioner".

Ava grew on tough love and thus shows it as well to put people in place. As both a disciplinarian, the oldest, and the most experienced of the party, Ean assigned her as second-in-command.

Unlike Ean who's happy enough to have everyone help in battle or solve mysteries with him, she sees to it that everyone does their share of the work before slacking off.

Ava once wanted to settle down, but things didn't work out. Eventually she started pushing away other potential partners in fear of having to deal with heartbreak again. It doesn't help that she willingly stripped herself of her personal sense of femininity in an effort to look powerful when she was starting out.

She doesn't like to tell her personal stories to everyone, but when she does, it's a sign that the person she's telling it to has earned her trust. The only exception is Iya, who needs much guidance as an amnesiac and lost dreamer.

Gavin

As someone who grew up in a matriarchal society, he unabashedly calls women pet names the way a clique of girls do.

His upbringing doesn't prevent him from trying to actually flirt with girls. He loves women and the company of women. And it doesn't help that he's been so used to the attention of women as a warlock who grew up surrounded by them.

He is essentially a communist who's against excessive hoarding of wealth and thus abhors nobility and royalty alike. He immediately signs up to be the party's provisions manager.

Since he's a warlock, he doesn't really see "ugliness" as an insult. It's part of the charm.

Iya is among the girls he's backed away from, mostly because she and Ean hover around each other too much. Gavin's charms did at one point work on Emma, but they decided that being friends who occasionally "flirt" was way better.

He actually wasn't as romantically interested in Ava, but his witch's nature demand that he annoy her for a bit. When Gavin notices she responds quite favorably with very feminine nicknames and monikers, this interests him because it creates a contrast from the image she portrays. It's this part of her that he likes to try and bring out more.

Jack

He tries not to get too close to anyone because as a criminal, most of his bonds are very shaky and temporary.

He's quite lazy and would rather spend time having fun with friends and what money he has in his pockets.

He has a lot of comments about how to do things. Too bad a lot of them is also outdated.

He likes to get on people's nerves to see how much he could get away with. Only Rye and Emma have "passed" this test. Jack has also learned not to cross Ean too much because Ean's wrath is something else, and that Ava hates hearing her name being lengthened, but won't try to do anything against him for it.

Aside from being the party's resident menace, he also scouts ahead with Rye.

[spinningbuster98]

Mega Man Zero 3 Part 4: Looking for Weil

The library stage is fine but a bit awkward at the beginning in terms of design (I dunno how you’re supposed to avoid the electrified water in that last section), and its main back and forth gimmick is not the best but it’s fine overall.

I love the music, very spy movie sounding

From beating the boss you get the Invincible dash chip which is much better than in X8 since you’re invincible to anything except when you’re jump dashing

I can’t use it 100% properly since it still requires you to be precise in when you dash so as to avoid your dash from interrupting when you’re still in an enemy’s hitbox but with practice it can be useful

Foxtar’s stage is the longest and probably the hardest in the game but it’s a solid one with some great atmosphere provided by its music

From beating Foxtar you get the Double Jump chip, which is funny since the Double Jumo ysed to be Zero’s default trademark move in the later X games while this is the first time it appears in his own series. However it’s also the best version of the Double Jump since you can also use it during a dash jump which wasn’t possible previously

Cactank’s stage is decent but the enemies coming from offscreen as you move quickly through such a speedy stage are a bit awkward. Cactank himself is pathetic I swear he should’ve been a starting boss.

Also he looks like Dr.Eggman in his “human” form, I can’t be the only one who thinks that right?

Kelvarian’s stage is tough but satisfying though the boss himself feels a bit too messy in execution

An issue I have with late game Zero 3 is that it starts to feel like it’s running out of steam a bit

None of these levels are bad by any means but compared to the first batch or even to the mid-game levels, they feel a bit...tired to me? Like they don’t have quite the same level of oomph to them

To make another comparison to Mega Man 3 it’s nowhere near as bad as that game’s Wily stages where it was obvious that they had run out of time and so the levels themselves felt barely put together, but it gives me a somewhat similar feeling

This is also when the game’s difficulty starts to dip: not only do you start getting access to some pretty useful chips (I’ve often used the auto charge chip and now I even have a quick charge one) but you should now have enough E Crystals to start using some pretty broken Cyber Elves. I, for example, have started using a Cyber Elf that quite literally gives me a second health bar, coupled with permanent Cyber Elves that slightly strenghten my buster and saber, a Satellite Elf that regularily drops health pick ups around me and some other stuff

Yeah...you can kinda stop thinking about having to carefully dodge enemy and boss attacks around this time I think

And this is gonna stay true even for the final boss as you’ll see...

[auniverseforgotten]

VERY WELL 11 20 and 24 >:3

HECK YEAH MORE TIME

11. favorite trial (sun & moon)

So I am actually going to do one for Sun and Moon and one for Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon, because they do differ!

So for Sun and Moon, I'm gonna go with the Ghostium Z trial/Totem Mimikyu trial! I enjoyed that the trials all had different vibes, but this one was the only one where the entire vibe shift really felt like it Happened. Like don't get me wrong, it's still a Pokemon game, it's not even remotely scary, but the atmosphere DOES shift and you do get to go through a little haunted area. And I mean...Mimikyu, come on. Also the very end with what Acerola says, love that.

For Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon, I'm going with the Waterium Z trial/Totem Araquanid trial! This trial differs from Sun and Moon, which is a fight against a Wishiwashi; in Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon you are herding Wishiwashi, and right as they start their school form, an Araquanid bursts up from below. It just looks so cool???? Here is someone's video of it, should be timestamped! [video by EsteeMcCrawly on Youtube] And anyone who knows me knows I love Bug types and Water types SO.

Brief runner-ups to the Firium Z and Grassium Z trials. For Firium, the "find the difference" game is fun esp when they toss in the hiker, it's just so silly, and for Grassium, love cooking for Pokemon and super love Lurantis.

20. least favorite pokemon game

Hmmm another tough one. Usually no matter the game I find things I enjoy, and I haven't ever hated any game. My gut instinct is to say the Brilliant Diamond/Sparkling Pearl remakes, but that was because the questionable Field of View blur effect they used actually gave me a headache and made it difficult to play for long. :'D

HOWEVER I think that would be cheating, so I'm gonna go with Pokemon Sword and Shield. Now don't get me wrong, I did still find things to enjoy in these games! And the DLCs are SUPER GOOD [but they shouldn't have been DLC]. However...a lot just wasn't it, honestly. Part of my disappointment was it was the first new big Pokemon game on Switch, and I feel like they could have done SO MUCH MORE. Like the Switch can run BotW but we can't have an open world Pokemon game??? TRUE open world???

That complaint aside, here's the rest. The premise overall was kinda weirdly uncomfy to me? I know it's my own issue, but the whole "hey here's all the challengers let's publicly show every single second of their entire Pokemon journey" is just so unpleasant to me. :'D Like yes there were reporters in gen 3 and it's always implied that people are loosely following the gym challenge, but NOTHING like the "EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE REGION SEES EVERY STEP YOU MAKE" of Galar.

Also I hate the uniforms, sorry not sorry. Like yes, you get to change out of yours, which is great because mandatory uniforms just suck oops. But restricting the gym leaders to always wearing that dumb uniform? Bad take imo. Like yes they make it work with accessories and stuff but cmon. Piers woulda looked so much cooler in full punk getup. Milo in farmer clothes. Avery, from the DLC, yes I do enjoy his design BUT HE'D BE SO MUCH COOLER IN A FULL SUIT.

Dynamaxing is just dumb. Tbf I think that of most new gimmicks. Z-Moves were dumb. Mega forms were dumb. I just don't like them. I'll give them points to some of the gigantamaxes at least being entertaining.

STOP PUTTING CHARIZARD IN EVERYTHING. STOP ACTING LIKE CHARIZARD IS A GIFT TO THIS PLANET. STOP ACTING LIKE CHARIZARD IS THE BEST FIRE TYPE EVER. They make part of Leon's entire personality his Charizard and I HATE it, I hate the Charizard craze that has been going on forever and SWSH got extra hate from me because of it.

Possible spoilers but Rose is such a bad villain. He's not even a good twist villain. He's just a slimy, smarmy capitalist, and that wouldn't be bad if they didn't try to make him like. Have a Altruistic Reason behind almost ending the world??? Like no I do not believe AT ALL that this man would be after energy for Galar for a thousand years in the future (SO DUMB BTW), but if they'd played him more selfish I would have at least accepted it because he comes off as every rich "philanthropist" irl to me. Richer than they need to be and donating just so they can say "oh but I'm a good one" and hoard their wealth and resources.

Also I get it's where games have been going but I hate that what would've once been post-game was instead paid DLC.

I still have so much I could say but I'm gonna stop there. x'D

24. your favorite team of pokemon you’ve ever had

Okay so people who know me know I have. No memory. Brain is swiss cheese. So I can't remember my entire teams for any game. ;-; And I either don't own or have restarted most games so uh oops.

SO INSTEAD I'm gonna list six beloved partner Pokemon. They are not necessarily more or less beloved than others and only one of them is in specific order, this is just the best I can do.

First up, Bloom the Venusaur. Bloom was my starter in Pokemon Leaf Green, and I have traded her up through every. Single. Game. She is a female Venusaur, which little me did not understand the rarity of, but now that I do I love her all the more for it. Bulbasaur is my favorite starter, so it's no surprise how much I love her.

Now that we have First Ever out of the way, these are in no order. So, next up is Iluq the Aurorus. Amaura and Aurorus are some of my favorite fossil Pokemon, if not my top faves. I love the colors, and their call is SO PRETTY. So when I got one, he of course became a staple on my team. He defs had some weaknesses, but I adore him.

Alola was honestly a great generation for me, bringing a lot of new faves, and one led to a beloved on my team, Tatiana the Lurantis. I adore the Fomantis/Lurantis line, so I acquired one ASAP. She was great in battle AND crucial for shiny hunting: she is my false swiper.

Bumble the Ribombee came in the same team as Tatiana, and I adored her so much that when I found Cutiefly pretty late-game in SWSH, I immediately dumped my Boltund [sorry Boltund] for one to remake Bumble once again. Ribbombee is just cute and sweet and my Bumble is the sweetiest. ;w;

There are a lot of Pokemon whose baby form or first form I prefer over their evolution. Pumpkaboo is one, and when I caught one in SWSH I decided that she would stay a baby, but that she would also be on my team through the entire game. Thus, enter Pie the Pumpkaboo. Pie is my precious baby and she has pickup as an ability, so she is a littol thief as well, picking up anything from repels to nuggets. uwu

Pokemon Legends: Arceus introduced a lot of cool regional variants, new evolutions, and Alpha Pokemon. But heck all of that gimme a T A N K. Omelet the Blissey, the T A N K. I acquired her fairly late game, joked with my friend that I was gonna punch Arceus with her, and then fully committed to the joke. She is now level 100 and I still have not finished the game. Strong-style Soft-boiled is hilarious. Doesn't happen in game but I do picture that every time the character I made in the game gets hurt via falling or Pokemon, Omelet pops out unprompted ready to shove an egg.

And a couple runners-up, Cinderfella the shiny Crobat. I'm counting him as a runner-up because I didn't get him until post-game! Caught a shiny Zubat in Alpha Sapphire and loved him until he evolved. Excellent friend.

Bacon the Centiskorch is another. Adore Bug, and she worked really well as a diverse move haver! Her name is Bacon because sizzlipede and centiskorch looked like bacon to me, and then her ability was White Smoke so it was perfect. XD

Ngl every time I have a team I imagine their personalities. So. Bloom would be a motherly type, mothers anything that gets near her, forgets she is no longer a Bulbasaur and thinks she can still be lap sized when she wishes to be. Iluq is a very calm mediator type; he's ancient so he has patience, and he can freeze anyone being a Problem. Tatiana is elegant and graceful, doesn't interact much but isn't cold, but also has killed before and will kill again /j [or am I]. Bumble is SO FRIENDLY AND SWEET, adores everyone.

Pie is an absolute babby, can fight if she has to but Excuse, she is Baby. Naps a lot, while not mentioned here she is definitely carried around by the Dad of the SWSH team [who I remember all of bcus I still have the game lol], Plushie the Bewear. Omelet is very concerned about everyone all the time, throws eggs at people like GET HEALTHY. Cinderfella LOOKS scary but is an absolute sweetheart, definitely a cuddler. And Bacon, Bacon I feel is the delinquent with a heart of gold. Will heck anyone up that looks at anyone she cares about wrong [esp Pie. My whole SWSH team just Pie's family apparently lol].

Oops I talked forever haha. This is so much fun though??? Really loving these, thanks for the ask, feel free to send more if you like. XD

Ask meme: clicky

[tedcruzisthezodiackiller]

“all queer media is one dimensional, tropey, mass market, and made for teenagers-” not true. look harder

Memorial: Mike and Benson have been together for a few years and are in the middle of determining if they're going to stay together when Mike learns that his estranged father is terminally ill, and goes to Japan to reconcile with him before his death. meanwhile Mike’s mother stays with Benson in the US. my favorite part of the novel was the part in Japan, exploring the relationship between Mike and his father (TW for racism and abuse) 

the luminous dead: w/w romance between a spelunker on a mission on an alien planet and the women who hired her for unknown reasons, who’s stationed on the surface and communicates with the mc through her high-tech caving suit. toxic but intriguing romance, killing eve and TMA fans you will enjoy this (TW for graphic descriptions of injury) 

The Vanished Birds: explores a society that was created after the Earth has been environmentally destroyed and humanity has moved onto space stations, and all space travel and commerce is controlled by corporations. queerness isn’t the focus of this book but many of the main characters are queer. beautiful writing, will make you super depressed in the best way (TW for child abuse) 

The Color Purple: Celie is separated from her sister in childhood when she’s forced into an abusive marriage by her father, but she continues to write to her over the years. an important part of the novel is the relationship that develops between Celie and her husband’s lover Shug. what I love about this book is that its an important look at misogynoir and abuse of vulnerable people, but Celie ultimately gets her happy ending. (TW for abuse, racism, sexual assault, incest) 

The Miseducation of Cameron Post: the first half chronicles the early life of Cameron, a closeted lesbian growing up in rural Montana in the 90′s. the second half is about Cameron’s experience in a conversion camp. I love the writing of this book, it’s very atmospheric. I felt like I could picture Cameron’s town in my sleep. (TW for conversion therapy, homophobia, self-harm) 

boys run the riot: manga, a trans boy who wants to work in men’s fashion one day works with two of his classmates to design and create a clothing line. I’ve only read the first volume so I cant speak on the series as a whole. the MC is only out to some people, so he gets misgendered and still wears the girls’ uniform in school. this might be difficult for some people to read, although there isn’t too much overt transphobia if I remember correctly (at least in the first volume)

The 57 bus: nonfiction, follows the stories of an agender teen who experienced a hate crime, and the boy who attacked them. A tough read, but a really important look at the justice system, racism, transphobia, and restorative justice (TW for transphobia and homophobia, violence, depictions of police and the justice system) 

our dreams at dusk: manga series about an LGBT+ center in Japan. follows gay, trans, and asexual characters. an interesting look at queer issues in Japan. also the art is gorgeous (TW for homophobia and transphobia) 

in the dream house: memoire about the author’s experience in an abusive sapphic relationship. super important, as abuse in queer relationships is so seldom talked about. hard to read but the writing is very lyrical and poetic, and beautiful (TW for abuse) 

ask the passengers:  mc is a girl who’s falling in love with another girl, while staying closeted from her gay friends because she’s not sure how to identify. the gimmick of the book is that the mc talks about her problems to airplanes in the sky, and this magically touches the lives of the people in the planes. I felt this part of the book was goofy and honestly I think it would be better without it, but I remember that the journey the mc goes through regarding her sexuality made me feel very seen (TW for homophobia) 

king and the dragonflies: written by the author of Felix Ever After. the rest of his books deserve an equal amount of attention. middlegrade, about a boy dealing with the death of his brother and coming to terms with his sexuality. I liked the relationship between King and his family. they weren’t super homophobic but they also weren’t completely accepting at first either, it felt like a very realistic and healthy depiction of a family (TW for homophobia, racism, child abuse) 

haven’t personally read, on my tbr: Giovanni’s Room, Nevada, Stone Butch Blues, Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit, My Cat Yugoslavia, My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness 

“queer media is all boring period pieces and people getting divorced and experiencing horrible homophobia and tragedy-” not true. look harder

The Magic Fish: graphic novel, a young Vietnamese-American boy reads fairy tales with his mother to help her practice her english, and searches for a way to come out to her. some of my favorite art in a graphic novel, look it up its stunning

Honeygirl: going through quarter life crises and unsure of what to do after earning her PhD, the mc goes to vegas and ends up getting drunkenly married to a woman she doesnt know. the mc’s relationship with academia was very relatable to me 

whatever: basically just about the mc fucking around with his friends, being in a band, and discovering that hes gay. a lot of fun, love the characters

anything by Alice oseman: Alice Oseman is the only person I trust to write about the fandom experience in YA fiction. my personal fave is iwbft. disclaimer: I haven’t read solitaire, cant say whether its good or gay

Ivy Aberdeen’s Letter to the World: middlegrade, Ivy’s family’s home is destroyed by a tornado, and shes also dealing with the fact that she’s realizing she’s a lesbian. some internalized homophobia, but everyone in Ivy’s life is really accepting and its very sweet

my love mix-up: manga, mc has a crush on a girl in his class and asks to borrow her eraser, and sees the name of a different boy written on it (this is a popular love charm in Japan). boy #2 sees the mc holding the eraser, and thinks HE has a crush on HIM. very wholesome and funny, and one of the few times I’ve read a manga that actually allows a character to have crushes on people of multiple genders. it deals with homophobia in some cases, which makes it feel grounded in reality, but all of the mc’s friends are very accepting, and its very cute. 

The Tarot Sequence: urban fantasy set in a modern magical society, mc is the heir to a family of the magical aristocracy, but since his family was killed he’s fallen from grace, is broke, and works as a mercenary for other powerful families. he tries to unravel the mystery of his family’s death on the side. m/m romance and found family. love the characters and the world building, and the author is planning for this to be a NINE book series. next book is coming out May 2022!! (TW for sexual assault) 

In Other Lands: mc gets recruited to go to magical summer camp, except he’s genre-savvy, hates fighting, and misses technology. super funny satire of portal fantasy books, but will also have you aching for the mc? elliot schafer my beloved 

havent personally read, on my tbr: a hero at the end of the world, the poster children, tell me how you really feel, heavy vinyl

we absolutely do have a long way to go in regards to queer representation, but it frustrates me to no end when I see post claiming that queer fiction is all one specific type of story. there are lots of queer creators out there writing unique, thoughtful, beautiful stories who deserve our support! if theres a particular type of queer fiction you would like to see, do a little digging because its likely that SOMETHING similar exists. it just doesnt exist on like disney+

also @lgbtqreads is an incredible resource, if you want to read something gay and have a specific genre or type of story in mind I highly recommend looking around on their blog 

additional recommendations welcome!

[multiples-fandomswontkillme]

~Metal Family headcanons~

These are like my... general hcs)? which means I didn't include my main hc that Glam, Ches and Vicky are polyamorous, married and started dating after Glam met Vicky, and absolutely everything that implies for the kids and the relationships between each member of the fam. Maybe I'll make a separate post for that or maybe not! Who knows lkfwnlfqnf

Glam

Bisexual

Glam has constant nightmares and ocasional night terrors ever since he ran away home and is an active sleep walker. Ches helped him through the worse ones when they were younger, and learned how to deal with them, always preferring not to wake him up but being with him until the episode passed. Vicky has learned how to deal with them, though she normally asks Ches for advice with it cuz she comes out short sometimes.

He has PTSD. I bet it's diagnosed too, he takes medication and goes to therapy, it doesn't mean he still doesn't have his bad days anyway. He's trying to get better.

Glam has talked to Vicky about his past, his father and his family. This is a direct contradiction of Alina's confirmation that Glam doesn't talk about it with anyone but man FUCK THAT. We love good communication in this house, Vicky tries her best to help him, but there's only so much she can do to help.

Glam enjoys gardening, cooking and making models, he also likes doing his make up, painting his nails and dressing up in fancy, extravagant clothes even if he has nowhere important to go.

He likes taking care of everyone's hair, and constantly helps Vicky brush her hair cuz there's so much of it, Dee when he gets stressed over how tangled it can get, buys Ches hair products so he actually takes care of it, and chases Heavy so the kid actually washes, untangles and brushes his hair.

This one is kind of weird, but I refuse to think any adult in the family is unarmed at any time. Glam owns a taser and pepper spray. They're bright pink and sparkly.

This man cried his eyes out while watching Coco. He's hell to watch movies with cuz he talks and predicts what's gonna happen during the movie, judges them with scores at the end and all.

Vicky

Also bisexual!

Vicky's the one who does everyone's laundry most of the time. She prefers it that way since she's the only one that knows how to wash their black clothes so the colors stay vibrant. (This is based on my gf shaming everyone but Vicky cuz their black clothes always look so muted and almost gray, but Vicky's whole outfit is always the same vibrant black colors, so we decided that neither Glam or the kids know how to wash dark clothes)

She has anger issues, if it isn't obvious. I think she also has PTSD, mainly survivor's guilt due to her surviving the accident her brother died in. She blames herself and cannot bear to talk about it, in some sort of deep denial. If she can't remember, it can't hurt as much, right?

She has scars on the right side of her back and her hip, from the road rash she got on her brother's accident, she never treated it due to grief and it scarred badly. Apart from that, the scar of the caesarean section from Heavy's birth. She doesn't really mind both of them, they happened, nothing to do about them.

She likes watching boxing competitions, brawling matches and motorcycle repairing on TV. Loves doing BBQ's and going to the pool. Also an enjoyer of teasing her kids, kissing and loving her husband at random times, spending time drinking and bonding with Ches and bragging about her family and punching anyone who thinks they're not that cool.

Not particularly a fan of make up, skirts and dresses or any traditionally femenine-perceived stuff. But has been making exceptions due to Glam and Ches being unashamed of being seen as femenine, and actually rocking the looks. The internalized misogyny is kind of slowly dissapearing.

Apart from the guns she carries in each arm (I mean her biceps, have you looked at the size of those?? She strong) she has brass knuckles on her at all times. Glam gifts her new ones sometimes, she loves having multiple choices to punch people teeth in.

Loves horror, thrillers and action movies. Falls asleep during rom-coms and dramas. Ironically, loves gossip and talking shit about people. Enjoys hearing Ches talks about the gossip going on in the nursery home even if she doesn't know who the hell he's talking about.

Rest of the family under the cut!

Heavy

Heavy is a trans boy! He doesn't know his sexuality yet though, he's still figuring himself out. When he's older, i think he definitely dated some men but had better luck with girls.

Heavy has had innocent crushes on some girls on his class before, but they never turn into anything more cuz he's not the best at expressing himself. He follows the bother-the-girl-to-death-until-she-hates-you gimmick, and unsurprisingly, it doesn't work.

I'm sorry to break this to u but Heavy totally had an among us phase, and uses so much reddit and twitch slang... You know he does.

Likes bullying and teasing his brother to death. You know that when Dee had his first romance, Heavy was ALL up in his business being a tease and a bad attempt at a wingman. He means well tho.

He's not squeamish at all. Also has great pain resistance. This kid has picked cockroaches with his bare hands and loves cats, of course the cats have scratched him. He's tough!

Grows up to be the charming himbo he was always destined to be.

Dee

I hc him as demisexual. Kind of inherited his dad's tastes for the takes no crap, intimidating but pretty kind of people.

Can't cook. He tries but he can only do basics like rice, cereal, chicken nuggets or eggs. Complicated meals always burn or don't taste like anything at all. It drives him crazy.

Dee was a quiet and very well behaved toddler before Heavy was born. He never threw tantrums or got whims. After Heavy was born though, and despite the fact he understood his brother was small and needed special care, he started craving attention often and cried and got mad at little things. Typical jealousy of the oldest sibling.

The first time Dee fell in love with someone, he didn't recognize it was love at first. He just thought his interest on the person was born out of curiosity and aesthetic attraction, but as soon as he realized he seeked validation and companionship, that he liked seeing them smile, that he wanted to protect them, that he yearned for more time alone with them and that he wanted more than what just a simple friendship implied, it was an instant 'oh hell no'. He wanted those feelings to get the hell away, but unfortunately, they were there to stay.

Canonically likes MLP, psychological and horror anime like Death note and Hellsing, so I'm deciding he also watched Death Parade, had a FNAF phase, is very into The Walten Files. This guy enjoys any kind of specially dark ARG's and knows a ton of lore of real crime, unsolved cases, ghost appearances and other stuff. Doesn't believe in the supernatural, but sure is entertained by it.

He's a mess at romance. Flirting? His attempts at compliments are hardly flattering. Giving gifts? The best he can manage is jewelry and you can kind of tell he asked his dad for help. Dates? He's so nervous he's silent for most of it, but begins getting comfortable and having fun if his partner really knows how to get him down from his negativity cloud.

Ches

Pansexual.

He's very good with kids. He has the patience of a saint and he's laid-back, chill and fun but still is an authority figure who knows how to put limits. Sure, he's gonna let the kids light up a house on fire BUT hey, now they know everything about fire precautions, burns and how to treat them AND how to get away with arson. What an educational evening, am I right?

Due to certain info from the "Goodbye" official comic, I headcanon Ches as depressed. I don't want to elaborate a lot 'cuz of spoilers, but... God, everything related to his mom fucking hurts, man. How did he deal with all that?

Ches has been Dee and Heavy's babysitter so many times he cannot count them with all his fingers. He learned how to put those kids to sleep almost immediately (Sing Bon Jovi's "This ain't a love song" and any cheesy love song in a slow lullaby style and they're out), which movie were their favorite as kids (Heavy loved 'Monsters Inc.' and Dee never looked away during 'Meet the Robinsons'), how to console them after nightmares (Heavy needed reassurance, sweet words, and to be with someone until he fell asleep again. Dee just had to be tucked in, get his nightlight turned on and kissed in the forehead). He practically raised those kids along with Vicky and Glam.

More than once, Dee and Heavy have slipped and called Ches "Dad". Ches immediately gets his shit eating grin on and answers "Yes, son?" and does a couple of dad jokes just to mess and embarrass them. He's actually very flattered and surprised at how proud of himself he is for being a father figure to both kids.

Has a scar on the left side of his forehead due to a bottle his mom threw at him when he was younger, around the time he met Glam. He hates the scar with passion, it's a permanent reminder of the fact she never cared, that's why he always keeps it covered with his headband. Gets sad about it sometimes.

Ches likes to spend his time with a group of grannies of the nearby nursing home. He genuinely considers them his friends and gossips and hangs out with all of them on weekends. Bingo, billiards, walks in the park, soap opera marathons, you name it. I even designed them, gave them names and backstories... God, i just love the concept too much. I'll make some art about Ches and his granny gang FOR SURE, you're NOT ready for them.

Carries a pocket knife on him at all times. This man grew up on a bad neighborhood and absolutely knows how to defend himself, he can be intimidating when he wants to be and will pose a threat if needed. He's fucking terrifying when genuinely mad. Just cause he looks harmless doesn't mean he is, darling.

That would be all!

[immaturityofthomasastruc]

IOTA Reviews: Crocoduel

When you stop and think about it, this episode is really just the world's most intense custody battle.

Let's get into the thirteenth (chronologically the twelfth) episode of Miraculous Ladybug's fourth season: Crocoduel

We start off with the band Kitty Section (composed of Luka, his timid sister Juleka, her “best friend” Rose, and Ivan) performing a concert for the super amazing Zoe and all the peons beneath her greatness (Alya, Alix, Nino, and Mylene). Luka notes its been a while since Marinette came to the Liberty. Because I guess even the show wants to forget the events of “Sole Crusher”.

Luka is still upset that Marinette hasn't wanted to be around him since their breakup, so after he walks away, the others scheme to force them to spend time together.

Yep, even though they promised to back off in “Gang of Secrets”, Marinette's friends are once again trying to meddle in Marinette's personal life as well as Luka's this time. Because it's not like they can understand how hard it is for two exes to remain friends after a breakup and give them their space, right? They plan to invite Marinette to Luka and Juleka's birthday party while reminding the audience that they're twins.

YES. THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN TWINS. ASTRUC HAS NEVER SAID OTHERWISE OR CONTRADICTED THIS STATEMENT IN THE PAST.

LUKA WAS NEVER TWO YEARS OLDER THAN JULEKA, JUST LIKE THERE WAS NEVER A WAR IN BA SING SE.

In all seriousness, I do feel like I was a little hard on Astruc for this. Compared to other things he's made canon on Twitter, this is fairly minor, and we only knew Luka was the older brother at first through a tweet. And considering the other retcon we'll see in the very next scene, this isn't as big of a deal as I made it initially.

Alya invites Marinette to the party, but she easily deduces that it's a trap. Alya then tries to convince Marinette to talk to Luka.

Uh... since when? When did Marinette lose all romantic feelings for Luka? The whole point of the breakup in “Truth” was to show that she couldn't pursue a romantic relationship with Luka because of her duties as Ladybug. She never showed any signs of not loving him, which made the breakup all the more tragic. Yeah, “Mr. Pigeon 72” was an excuse for her to go back to loving Adrien because the writers don't know how to write anything else, but it didn't mean she stopped loving Luka. You know, it's almost like the writers want to make sure the audience knows Lukanette will never happen and the sacred Love Square is the only way Marinette will ever feel love for someone else.

Alya still forces Marinette to go, making her ask Juleka if Luka won't be there. Some people have gone down on Marinette for this, but she does later acknowledge how wrong this was to ask, and apologizes to Juleka for trying to force her to do something she didn't want to do. If only Marinette's friends learned the same lesson.

Juleka goes to tell Luka about the party, but hesitates to tell Luka he can't go there. While he knows Juleka is hiding something, Luka is distracted by the sudden arrival of his father who he loves despite abandoning him for his entire life, Jagged Stone. However, Luka and Juleka's mother, the anarchy-loving Anarka isn't happy that much like his sperm when the condom broke, Jagged came in without her permission.

At the day of the party, Marinette panics as soon as she sees Luka, who in turn realizes she didn't want to see him. Rather than comfort Juleka who just ran away crying, the others comfort Luka, preventing him from being akumatized by Shadowmoth, though he still keeps his Akuma around just to be safe. Marinette apologizes to Juleka before Shadowmoth can akumatize her too (even though she got a Magical Charm in “Guiltrip” so it wouldn't work either way). Then Shadowmoth tries to akumatize one of the guests as they find out Jagged (who just arrived) is Luka's father, but since they're dumb teenagers who don't know Jagged was winning awards and being celebrated as a rock icon while Anarka was working two jobs and struggling to make enough money for rent, they think it's awesome. Very confusing day for Shadowmoth, isn't it?

Marinette also finds out Jagged is Juleka's father and finds out Juleka worries Jagged loves Luka more since they share more interests, which she thinks is true when Jagged gives Luka a guitar case and instructs her to not tell his sister. Marinette tries to call out Jagged for neglecting Juleka over Luka even though Jagged was more of a father to his pet crocodile than either of his biological children, but it's obviously a gift for Juleka, the first bass guitar Jagged ever owned, which calms her down. Funny how nobody acknowledges how Jagged practically abandoned his family, isn't it? Sure, it looks like he's trying to make up for it, but he just acts like he's always been Luka and Juleka's dad and they don't have any problems with their father literally never being in their lives until now.

Jagged's gift to Luka is a record of the first record he made in his band with Anarka before they broke up, Crododuel, but Anarka is naturally pissed he wants to give that to Luka. Jagged and Anarka argue over which one was the Yoko Ono in their relationship while they both grab the record, which Shadowmoth uses to akumatize the two as it breaks, turning them back into Guitar Villain and Captain Hardrock respectively, Shadowmoth labeling them as Crocoduel.

Unlike the other team Akumas like the Punishers or the Gang of Secrets, Guitar Villain and Captain Hardrock care more about fighting each other than working together, and they see getting Ladybug and Cat Noir's Miraculous as a competition to help prove who was right in their argument. It's a pretty interesting gimmick, though I don't get how Shadowmoth thinks this will help him and not ignore Ladybug and Cat Noir while they fight.

Alya provides a distraction to help Marinette transform, and after we get Adrien's single scene to remind the audience he's still a main character, he transforms into Cat Noir. The two heroes give chase, but then Guitar Villain and Captain Hardrock decide to take their fight to above the clouds.

Yeah, it's not like you have a form that specifically allows you two to fly, right?

All they had to say was that Marinette was still making more potions for that form, and it would have been better than ignoring the fact that they can fly.

Much like the hotel room during the night Luka and Juleka were conceived, the crossfire from Guitar Villain and Captain Hardrock's fight starts to damage the area around them. Ladybug and Cat Noir get Luka and Juleka to safety, and Luka tells them about what's happening, while Ladybug spouts the lesson about people needing to talk even though they don't love each other anymore, reflecting the situation the writers retconned her into learning.

Ladybug summons her Lucky Charm, a roll of scotch tape, and comes up with an idea that involves Juleka. She takes her away into an alleyway and gives her the Tiger Miraculous. The tiger Kwami, Roarr, demands Juleka show some courage, so Juleka yells in her face. Unfortunately, as much as I want to show this scene, the subs I got don't really match up, so I can't really give some screenshots of it. So I guess you can watch this scene from Full Metal Jacket instead to get the gist of things.

So Juleka takes the Tiger Miraculous and transforms into Purple Tigress.

I think the suit has a pretty good design. I like the striped pattern with the gold highlights around the black stripes, and think the color scheme is visually pleasing, especially the hair. I wouldn't call it one of my favorite hero suits, but I still like the way it looks.

Cat Noir launches Ladybug and Purple Tigress into the air where they split up to steal both halves of the record, but when they break them, no Akuma comes out. It turns out that since the record was broken while Jagged and Anarka were akumatized, they need to put it together again before breaking it in order to free the Akuma.

Purple Tigresse goes to distract Guitar Villain and Captain Hardrock with her power, Collision, which she uses to KNOCK CAPTAIN HARDROCK'S SHIP ABOVE THE CLOUDS, TAKING GUITAR VILLAIN WITH HER.

Why the hell did it take four seasons to break this Miraculous out if it gives the user the ability to go Super Saiyan on the enemy? I think Cat Noir's expression after seeing the power in action says it all.

Cat Noir Cataclysms the record (because a record is just so hard to break without using the power of destruction, isn't it?), Ladybug de-evilizes the Akuma, uses Miraculous Ladybug to fix everything, Jagged and Anarka somehow weren't killed by their own daughter, the three heroes pound it, and Ladybug gives two Magical Charms to Jagged and Anarka.

Back at the Liberty, Juleka tells the two to forget what caused them to break up and just apologize while they ignore the past, proving the writers really don't get how hard it is to move on from tough events in life. And despite building it up for the entire episode, Marinette and Luka talk in the final thirty seconds of the episode and just agree to be friends, meaning once again, Luka was sidelined in what should have been a focus episode for him.

Aside from the way Jagged and Anarka's relationship was portrayed coupled with the retcons surrounding Luka, this episode was alright in my opinion. Guitar Villain and Captain Hardrock are some of my favorite Akumas, so I thought it was nice to see them again, even if we didn't get to see their powers at full potential. I also thought this was a really good episode for Juleka, as I felt like the hero debut really helped her grow as a person and didn't just feel like she was given a Miraculous because the plot said so. She wanted to help her parents, and using the Tiger gave her the courage to symbolically speak out while potentially launching them into the stratosphere.

But the biggest problem to me has to be the way Jagged is portrayed in the episode. Just like with “Truth”, the idea of Jagged being a terrible parent is just swept under the rug and everyone just accepts the fact that Jagged is Luka and Juleka's dad very well. Despite the idea leading to some interesting drama in a show that's no stranger to family drama, they don't really do much with the whole “Jagged abandoning Anarka” thing. Aside from a brief interaction between Luka and Jagged while the former was akumatized into Truth, nobody is really angry at Jagged. Nobody really feels angry at Jagged for what he did, despite the drama being the main focus behind the episode that also had the Lukanette breakup. You would think this would at least lead to some tension between his family, but nothing really comes from it other than an argument that was pretty much played for laughs. But considering this show has a history of teaching kids to love their parents no matter how cruel they are to them, I'm not entirely surprised.

Overall, it's just a decent, albeit forgettable episode. If the writing with Jagged was different, it could have been a lot better in my opinion.

[darringauthier]

Boss Level (2021)

Genre: Action/Sci-Fi

Who's In It: Frank Grillo, Mel Gibson, Naomi Watts, Michelle Yeoh, Annabelle Wallis

Who Directed It: Joe Carnahan

Plot:Trapped in a time loop that constantly repeats the day of his murder, a former special forces agent must unlock the mystery behind his untimely demise.

Run Time: 100 Minutes

IMDB Score: 6.8

Metascore: 56

Rotten Tomatoes Score: Critics 74% Audience 76%

Why I Watched: Huge Frank Grillo fan and Joe Carnahan is an interesting sometimes very good director.

How I Watched It: I watched it on iTunes but it's now on Amazon Prime Canada.

Random Thoughts: Those numbers are high, it's rare where I think the numbers are high across the board. The ones I'm closes to is the Metascore. Surprised the film ranked this well for what it is.

I've already said I'm a huge fan of Frank Grillo and has a fan I have watched a lot of crap, he works a lot. I will say he works with Carnahan a bunch and it's some of his best work.

What I Liked: Joe Carnahan is an action director, now that is the base level cause he's better than that, not always but he's very stylized and he's a director that puts thought into his action and characters. Here is Carnahan giving you his riff on Groundhog Day, and on that level it works. He takes the gimmick and makes it his own. I didn't love this film but the two things that work is the action and Grillo. Grillo is very good in this kind of role, hes tough, a smart ass and human, he's relatable. I liked him here and he does his best. The action is very over the top but it's shot well and there's a couple of really good gags here. The action is heavy but there is humor in some places.

Here's something that I like at the beginning, it's the fact that we start the film with Grillo already in the loop and I thought this was a nice way of getting out of the cliches of this sub-genre, we get narration rather than seeing him go through it time and time again, for me they took out the boring part, well kind of cause they do a flashback and add all that stuff that I was glad wasn't there.

What I Didn't Like: I didn't think they did anything new or different to the genre, look at what a film like Happy Death Day did to this, they took a comedic premise and spun it into a horror film and it was really good. Here they spun it into an average action movie. The romance the villain the Sci-Fi machine was all very ho-hum for me I didn't care for Mel Gibson here at all. He's almost a B-Grade Bond baddie here. He of course gives this long speech and it falls flat for me. The character is beyond stock, I think they were counting on Gibson to elevate it and he didn't.

The romance and son/kid sub-plot really didn't work for me, I really wished they pushed the story more but they pretty much check off all the boxes. They took a cookie cutter action story and just through it into a time loop film. They even waste Michelle Yeoh, who is always good but she's not in it much and that's a shame cause they could have done some fun things with her.

Here's a nitpick, the title Boss Level comes pretty much from video games, it's a term all gamers know and I'm at a lost why they called it this since it has nothing to do with video games or the process of getting to a Boss Level Again there's a good story here but it not taken anywhere unexpected or original. The film also lags in the middle, it's one of those films that feels longer than it is.

Final Thoughts: It's not terrible but it is disappointing, liked some bits and liked some of the action but for me I never clicked with it.

Rating: Originally I ranked this a 6 but after further review it's a 5.