#i mean honestly i can try looking more masc i just dont think id look good at all

[skeletons-in-ur-closet]

i wish i was a man tbh

[badchoicesworld]

i hear you requested requests! ive got one!!

hobie x masc reader that's gwens older brother (ik its not canon, but the canon can fuck itself) (sorry miggy)

i dont really have anything in mind for reader's personality or whatever (so thats up to you!) but id like if reader liked to draw (thus ended up drawing hobie and got caught by him hahaha cliches i love them)

where hobie meets gwens older brother (you !)

hobie x masc!reader

this actually gave me hella ideas, im gonna link it to what happened in the movie (sorry it took a while, life fucked me)

didn’t specify if it was platonic or romantic (WHICH IS FINE ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥) so i’ve just done general shit for both lmao

warnings: none

pairing: hobie brown x masc!reader

requests: open, i cant let the demons catch me

★⋆ ⋆☆⋆ ☠︎︎ ⋆☆⋆⋆★✧

when you first meet hobie you’re so very thankful to him for taking care of your little sister

if gwen managed to hide her being ghost-spider from your guys’ dad, then she likely hid it from you, too

but obviously, your dads gonna have to tell you why gwen didn’t come home one day

you’re crushed, naturally. likely furious at your own dad for literally firing a warning shot at her

might have ran away yourself, maybe hobie comes to your rescue too

or maybe you two meet while hobie’s dropping off his homemade gizmo for gwen, and you’re so unbelievably thankful for him and his generosity when you meet him

of course you will be, he took your sister in while you couldn’t do anything to help

hobie’s probably side-eyeing yours and gwens dad but is happy to get along with you if you’re gwens bother

he cant stay for long at that moment in time, got a multiverse to save and all that

but the brief interaction opens doors to many opportunities in the future

hobie gets to hear about the brief reunion between you and gwen from her, after she went back to her own dimension before it was show time

he becomes very intrigued by you

next time you two meet is likely after they save the multiverse (WHICH THEY WILL WITH ZERO CASUALTIES UNLESS ITS MIGUEL.)

BUT GENERALLY SPEAKING NOW

miguel definitely doesn’t approve of hobie using his watch to travel dimensions just to see you or gwen, still does anyway if he doesn’t just build his own

probably came to see gwen, pick her up to bring him to his own dimension, whatever

sees you instead, target acquired

hobie’s heard plenty about you from gwen, likes to think you aren’t strangers so is super friendly, overly even

catches you in your room, drawing in a well loved sketchbook

definitely does that thing where he just fucking appears behind you, he’s that quiet when walking despite the accessories

he’s looking over your shoulder while you draw silently, you might be too distracted to notice or you’re immediately started by him

smug asf when you finally catch on, is especially entertained if he’s caught you drawing him, god forbid

wouldn’t be surprised though, he likes to make people stare so is honestly complimented if you’ve been trying to draw him since first seeing him

doesn’t just snatch ur sketchbook and start looking through it though, unlike someone

as an artist, he gets it

you’re probably super protective over ur sketchbook actually because of gwen, smh

will probably banter a little bit about that, tease something about gwen that you’d both be victim to, like her tendency to borrow things without permission

find common ground yknow

“ain’t it a pain when she [gwen activities]” but you’re not being mean ur bonding it’s fine, we don’t slander gwen (i do however have some strong words)

starts hanging out with you on the odd chances gwen isn’t home, just casually in your room at first

starts off talking about your guys’ interests, seeing if you have things in common

probably listening to music together

the closer you get, he starts to actually travel dimensions just to see you

casually waves to gwen before ducking into your room

is happy to just kick back there, but is also happy to go out and do things at that point

the more you hang out, the more your dad and gwen begin to tease you- which is nothing in comparison to the shit hobie faces

gwen easily told everyone else about you two hanging out, he never hears the end of it now regardless of dimension

hobie starts using the front door instead of just appearing in your room “son, your boyfriend’s here” ur devastated why would ur dad say that

THENN hobie starts to come to your dimension for you more than gwen, has probably already invited you back to his once or twice but now he’s a lot more frequent with invites, wants you to consider his place a second home (in case you ever wanna run from home, cough)

say something does blossom between you two, obviously you don’t label it cause hobie’s not about that

you get promoted from “gwens brother” to “hobie’s boyfriend” at some point even if you don’t use labels- that’s only if ur not like too close to the rest of the friend group, but i imagine you’ve gotta be

hobie probably talks more about being spider-man relatively early on considering the topic, but since you know his secret identity it doesn’t really matter to him

the closer you are, the more into his stories he is

is ready to reenact the whole thing for you now so it’s like you were there

draw each other, i dare u

make playlists for each other, perhaps ?

there’s a lot of gwen snitching to each of you

and then you two do with that information together what you will later

like if you’re just being gay for each other it’s wild how fast gwen goes to the other and is like “guess what he said” she is not slick about it

hobie can be found at ur place more often then not, your dads a little more iffy about you going to a different dimension

still, very grateful to be welcome in your home but hobie definitely prefers to kick back at his

hobie loves to bother gwen about your whereabouts, if you are a thing or not “where’s your brother at?” he’s pretending to be cool about it

does your dad approve ? who cares

but nah he’s way more open minded after the incident, thinks hobie is a peace of work and probably his own son too if you’ve got a similar personality, in that case you’re perfect for each other

if not he’s just happy you’re happy, that’s all he cares about

obviously gwen supports it, likes to claim she introduced you guys and you owe your relationship to her when she tries to win in an argument/conversation

★⋆ ⋆☆⋆ ☠︎︎ ⋆☆⋆⋆★✧

[lettersfromkokichiouma]

ehehehe hEYyyyyy Kokichiii~~~ I, 🍬 anon have returned!!

ik i sent in an ask not too long ago but likE-

i lowkey needa vent rn and srry if this ends up long as hell lmao (feel free to answer this whenevr you want mod no pressure <3 )

just for some context, a few months or so ago (i have no clue lol) i realized that im a trans demiguy instead of being genderfluid because i realized i was forcing myself to accept she/her pronouns cause i didnt wanna be an inconvience to people but i still liked really feminine stuff which is why i thought i was genderfluid at first, but i just needed some time to really think about it yk? also in case you wanna know my pronouns are he/him or they/them <3

aNyWaY sooo a few days ago i bought a chest binder on amazon and not even a day after it arrived, my parents sat me down and asked me why i bought it behind their backs. cause i never told them i bought it in the first place. they ended up practically forcing me to come out to them because there was no other way i couldve gotten out of the situation, and the reactions i got wheerrreeee mixed to say the least. it could've been much worse, but it felt like it couldve gone so muhc better. my mom started crying and said that she'll accept me no matter "whether you have short hair, long hair, or whatever you wear" which like.... lowkey feels transphobic to me??? like being trans (in my opinion) is hardly ever about what you wear or what you look like, wear whatever the hell you want whether its feminine or masc or whatever. all that matters is what your comfortable with yourself yk? it just kinda feels like she has this incredibly shallow understanding of what being trans is and doesnt even want to try to learn more about it. she was also more concerned about the fact that i didnt tell them before hand which in my opinion isnt something i have to do. just because i didnt come to them about it doesnt mean i dont trust them. she said that she doesnt think she'll be able to use my preferred name and pronouns too soo thAnKs mOm. my dad on the other hand was much more understanding, but still said stuff like "your young" and "your feeling lots of different emotions right now" and my mom said similar things as well. bUUuUut it kinda gets a bit worse... the day after all of this happened, for the entire day, my mom completely ignored me, not even bothering to look me in the eye or even speak to me. while she and my younger brother had a full conversation about his day when i got back from school, she never said a word to me. she didnt even talk to me for the rest of the day until recently where she said "good night". IS THAT IT- its honestly like she doesn't care that she practically ghosted me the entire day. id probably understand if she had a rough day and didnt feel like talking, but she was just fine talking to my brother, so now im wondering if she's transphobic. and ignoring someone let alone her own kid the whole day is something thats really really not like her usual self, so yeah. tbh, i had a gut feeling that she had at the very least internalized transphobia, so now i really wish that i had gotten to test the waters first but instead i was flung straight into the deep end of the pool. metaphorically. although, im not completely sure how this will all play out... in the meantime though, thank you so much for listening kokichi~~ <333 can i have some comfort cuddles please? 👉👈

*covers your face in kisses and cuddles you softly*

“wellll first of all, im super glad you figured that out about yourself!

congratulations! im really proud of you!

...but im sorry your parents didn’t have a good reaction.

if my child came out as trans, i’d throw them a party and buy them anything they want! buuut some parents aren’t like that....

sometimes they do accept you but they’re just reallllyyy bad at understanding what’s going on.

orrrrrr they’re transphobic which is totally awful! i don’t tolerate those types of people!

and you shouldn’t either! you shouldn’t have to deal with dumb people like that or dumb things like transphobia!

you are who you are! and i think you’re amazing!

the easiest thing to give people is respect y’know? and it’s soooo dumb that they can’t give you that right away!

...you’re valid, whether or not they choose to respect you though!

that’s the most important thing to remember! no one can hurt you if you know how incredibly amazing you are y’know?

and im not lying about that. i think you know me enough by now to know i don’t lie about stuff like that!!

and yup! of course i’ll give you comfort cuddles!

*opens arms*

you deserve them after all.”

-Kokichi Ouma

[marshmallowprotection]

hi can i request a matchup? :)

i use they/them and my appearance is masc leaning androgynous. i have an undercut thats basically covered by my short dyed hair and im 5’4”. i wear baggier black clothing generally, but i want to take more inspo from the techwear style. usually have black nail polish on and the makeup i wear basically extends to a lip tint and eyeliner! i have 6 piercings in total (3 in each ear) and really want a tongue piercing and tattoos eventually :]

my personality— i act really cutesy/nice when i first meet people (to increase the chances of them liking me tbfh LOL) but once im more comfortable that persona kind of drops and i am just. a brat. just an absolute stinker man. like the type that shows my love by either ranting to them for 20 minutes without a breath or teasing them during conversation. i am. not usually a fan of opening up to people (i find it embarrassing) and deflect using humor. this usually goes out the window if im trying to relate to something someone is telling me, but id rather chug hot sauce than willingly open up on my own out of the blue LOL

speaking of ranting i genuinely do not stop thinking about things i like the entire day. im an ISTP and i usually like entertaining myself by making content for the things im really interested in at the moment (which usually changes monthly to yearly), so i have a bunch of sketchbooks and notes filled with ideas or AUs or stuff like that. ive been drawing for around 7 years so its been a big de stressor for me :)!! i also have a lot of trouble keeping up with people/relationships in general due to my adhd :’). a lot of the time i just... forget that things outside of my own head exist? and then that turns into me accidentally ghosting my friends for a week or something. id like to think im pretty smart! i was in the gifted program when i was a little kid after they found out my iq made me “moderately gifted” whatever that means. im kind of going through a burnout atm but i am stubborn as fuck and live my life to spite people i dont like so i wont let this get me too down.

a lot of the relationships/super close friendships ive had ended badly bc of the therapist role i adopt early on (thats how i feel like i “earn” their affection at first). my love language is physical touch!

i really love tea and ghibli movies!! the things i like change often but those have been constant for as long as ive been alive haha, im also really into mythology and religion, specifically in relation to irish/celtic faerie lore! it really makes me want to live in places like that.

the one major dislike i have is when people assume things about me. whether thats what im gonna say or what im comfortable with, i wish they’d just ask me. largely because they get the assumptions wrong. something similar is when people lie to me unless they have an actual reason for it. little white lies people use to “spare my feelings” only make me feel like they cant trust me enough to tell me whats actually happening

for hobbies, as i said, i draw. but another major hobby i have is rock climbing! i like being active and ive been doing it for around the same time i picked up art. currently, im actually getting back into serious cosplay which is super fun! i put too much pressure on myself to make it look good (+ no funds) that i sapped the fun out of it real quickly, but now im reapproaching it and i genuinely like it.

thank you so much :] have a good day!

I match you with....

Zen!

You have a very solid love language. You know what you like and you know how to treat the people around you with the utmost care and respect. Your friendship is like a whirlwind and there is no denying that. You're looking for people that you can show the world to and that you can hold on to when you need them the most. You know who you are and not a lot of people can say that they know that. This is that weightless feeling of knowing that you are who you are. You're always giving more of yourself and you intend to give. It's not always a bad thing but it does weigh on you like a rock at times because you wished that people would put you first instead of the other way around. That's not a selfish wish. You want someone to be honest with you. Even if it's not kind. You're just looking for someone who has a passion for life and a passion for you. That is why the person that works for you in these circumstances is Zen!

Not only are the two of you are very active and very open with everything that you enjoy. The passion that you have for the things that you try is insurmountable. There's no denying that you put your heart into everything that you do even if it changes every now and again. Zen is the kind of person that will love passion. He loves when he can see how much something means to someone and whenever he sees you exploring what makes you happy, nothing makes him happier. It took him forever to be able to find what made him a happy seeing other people experience that, especially the one that he cares about the most, is better than anything. Are both honest types and you're very blunt with each other and that keeps the relationship very healthy. Because neither of you have anything to hide it just means that you're both open books.

With a man like this at your side, you can learn what it feels like to have someone put you first. Your needs are what matter to him. It honestly might be a little overwhelming with how much praise he gives you, but with every kiss and with every nudge oh, he means every word that he says. You're the most wonderful person that he's ever met in his entire life and he wants to show you that so you can learn that for yourself.

[birchbeer]

hehe

i dont think i would identify myself as "bigender" really anymore because the idea i had of my identity being that of two genders, (i wouldnt say one more masc and one more femme, but distinctly 2 separate feelings) was really more just the split between what i feel and how others perceive me. yes as much as i hate/love to admit it i do look like a dyke everytime i go outside because thats just how i am but i def dont look androgynous really (long hair and skirts yay).

i mean thats why ive been thinking about xenogenders and stuff, and why i get so pissed when 'nonbinary' is just thought of as gender #3, because i dont feel like a girl OR completely separate from being a girl. (wheres that one meme that was like "yes i am a girl bc no i am not bc yes i am but also no ❤️" yeah). realistically speaking i experience my gender literally as "lesbian" but like not to be cringe and weak on main, thats really hard to think about and wrap my head around sometimes. i hate to admit it but realizing that im nonbinary is scary and strange and difficult and i feel like just describing myself as nonbinary and a lesbian is just throwing me into whole sea of uncertainty and questioning and challenges in ways that ive never experienced before (and i am very wary of oceans so this comparison is not used lightly).

in my head i think of myself as she/he, and i use both for myself. using "he" for myself is new and weird but maybe in a good way? and like seeing other people refer to me like that and actually try to understand rather than ignore my nonbinary-ness makes me literally so happy. again being cringe but when my gf first called me him i actually just put down the phone and jumped around and screamed about it bc it was so amazing to me. taking steps to better understand and express myself, like using a binder and embracing my dyke fashion sense and different pronouns brings me so much joy.

but despite that im still dampened by the knowlege that i am perceived entirely as a girl by those around me, and if given the opportunity most people would use only she/her for me. i was chatting with friends over the phone today and i referred to myself as she and i got really awkward for a moment and blurted out that i use both he/she and im super super worried that they'll think that they can just keep always calling me "she" or that they'll think this is just a stupid phase and im making myself look dumb. but in the same vein, who cares if its a phase? who cares if i feel differently next year, or the year after that? its a good phase and i like it and i figure thats all that matters.

honestly even if i said completely that i use both she and he the only ppl id be completely cool with using she would be my sister or my gf and a few close friends so idk

i am a lesbian because i love girls and my gender is intrinsically tied to loving girls and i express my gender through how i look sometimes but in the end my gender is decided by me, not by my outfit or by how others perceive me.

[ohlukcs]

( alex wolff, male ) did you hear how LUKAS TOZER is applying to columbia university as a FILM & MEDIA STUDIES major ?! the 19 year old is living in the WALLACH HALL. i heard that they got in because they are + PASSIONATE and +THOUGHTFUL, but honestly i think HE can be -ASSUMING and -CYNICAL. they’re a real MAVERICK. oh well, only time will tell if the SOPHOMORE will make it til the end.

about the mun !!

hi hello my name is sam (she/her), im 22, and im a big fat mess at all times :) um but a lil more about me is that i’m australian and a recently graduated film student lmao. i’ve been rping for like ten years now i think idk but i am a NERVOUS BITCH !!!!!!! and it sometimes takes me forever to reply to things (ic and ooc) bc of that so pls be patient with me lmao. anyway, happy 2 be here !! if u like this post i’m gonna assume u wanna plot with me and my idiot and hit u up !!! lets mcfreakin lose it !!!!

about lukas !!

full name: lukas joshua tozer

nickname(s): luk-ass idk whatever u can come up with lmao

age: nineteen

gender: cis male

pronouns: he/him

hometown: jackson, new jersey

date of birth: nov 4th

occupation: student ( film and media studies, sophomore ), cook/server at a nearby 24hr pizza joint

relationship status: single

drink / smoke / drugs: yes / yes / yes

faceclaim: alex wolff

positive traits: passionate, thoughtful, creative, ambitious, untethered, humorous

negative traits: assuming, cynical, insensitive, rebellious, resentful, irresponsible

if he was in a hogwarts house: slytherin

now some more dot points that are just me talking about lukas !!

was born in fort lauderdale florida but there is a vERY low chance he will ever admit that, he’ll just say he’s from new jersey. as far as he’s concerned, he’s always been from new jersey even if his family did move there after he turned twelve

speaking of things lukas probably wont ever tell u but i’m including them anyway: his family is kind of messy. not majorly but like a little bit more than average. he had two brothers, now he only has one. i’m not gonna include a whole lot of nitty gritty here i’ll save it for when i write the real bio and can actually do it justice but its the reason they moved from florida and it has had a pretty major effect on lukas over time obviously

he’s the baby of the family and he’s pretty much always been treated like one. it has left him pretty immature and irresponsible. still learning that his actions have consequences and that he cant just be a total dick all the time. he’s improved in those areas a fair bit since he started at columbia a year ago but he still has a long way to go

he didn’t ever really expect to go to columbia, he’s from a middle class family and his dad didn’t even go to college. he applied for columbia just as a might as well give it a go thing. like maybe it will happen. they had a film course and although the course itself isn’t really great, the connections to the industry available at columbia were valuable enough for him to try. he was wait listed up until basically the last minute, preparing to go to a college in boston instead but when he was accepted he knew he had to go. for himself, for his family, and for his lost brother.

obviously irresponsible attitude has led to some Bad Decision Making including but not limited to partying and drugs. he doesn’t prioritise that lifestyle over his school work (bc he knows how lucky he is to be at columbia at all) but he is a big believer that you need to experience things to be a great artist and he plans on being the greatest artist so bad decision town here we come !!!!

he has a pet goldfish named michael bublé pls dont nark

for more info on him click here to check his about page, no bio there yet but hopefully soon

wanted connections babey !!

course friends/rivals/anything: i am writing these before acceptances happen so i have no good god damn idea if any other characters are film majors but hit me the hell up if they are bc i would love to plot some stuff out

old roommate(s) : lukas was probably an entertaining roommate but probably verged on annoying pretty easily. he’s messy, gross, probably didn’t respect the do ur fucking dishes rule in first year ( probs still doesnt tbh ). but he also has a password to every streaming account plus a phat hard drive full of movies and shows that he is absolutely willing to share with u so just depends what ur into i guess. maybe this connection led to friendship or maybe they hate each other now. im down for either/both 

dealer: hi welcome back to bad decision town. lukas isn’t into any hard stuff but is a big weed smoker (to my understanding medicinal cannabis is allowed but lukas def doesn’t have a prescription), then after that it’s kind of just experimenting. will chat more details if u wanna take this connection

booze leachers: so yes lukas is 19 but he has four, thats right, four fake ids. he is not willing to give u his contact for fake ids but he is willing to buy u booze if u pay him. dont hate the player hate the game

gang gang: pretty much just a close group of friends. i imagine all pretty relaxed, all pretty chill. idk what to say here except i want people to care about him and let him put on dumb movies and watch them with him and probably have dumb matching stick and poke tattoos and hog a communal tv to play mario kart but lets talk about it

fast food workers deserve respect too: as mentioned, lukas works at a 24hr pizza joint near campus which means he’s seen some shit. one of the things he’s seen multiple times is drunk student trashing the place. whether it be vomit, forgetting how to hold a cup, or bet try at a food fight lukas has seen it and he’s cleaned it up too. this connection could be that maybe he helped someone out and cleaned them up and got them back to campus when their friends ditched and now they look out for lukas too and its a positive connection. or maybe lukas hates their guts and spits on their food whenever they show up ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ who’s to say

hot girl bummer by blackbear: now listen here’s an angsty connection i want, and i def want to plot it out way more with whoever takes it on but basic outline of what i have in mind: they’ve kind of sort of been dating for a while but they’re just falling out of whatever they had to begin with. they were never official, they probs def fucked around with other people while they were ““““together”””””, lots of oh sorry ur taking it so seriously i thought we were just chilling bullshit. all of this girls friends probs hate lukas and he definitely hates them back. were probably once really good friends and had a really good time together but they’ve lost it. will they find it again or will it fizzle out? lets find out together xoxo

new girl(s) : i hate the connection title too but i couldnt think of anything better. we’re in bad decision town and now we’re going to thot street babey. since things have been falling apart with hot girl bummer and even before that lukas a little bit of a thottie. this doesnt mean he’s good at it, please also feel free for a part of this to be that they rejected lukas and he got butt hurt about it idk lukas being attracted to them is basically this whole idea and i would wanna plot the rest of it more depending on specific characters wooo

lukas is a bad influence: if u have gotten this far u may have noticed that lukas is not a very good influence at all. this is someone probs his age or younger that wants to loosen up and have a good time and lukas completely encourages that. bonus points if this connection is a combo with the above connection bc lukas is a gross boi and would be like wow listening to my bad ideas thats so sexy and cool of u ya know. but also doesnt have to be that ! could just be lukas thinks its funny and thinks that someone listening to him is just like good content that could get him on barstool

lukas is badly influenced: this is basic as hell but someone that tells him to leave his impluse control at the door and encourages him to be trash. probs older than him and i def see this as more of a masc connection than a fem but like all my plot ideas: lets talk about it. this one probs v much depends on ur character so gonna leave this one nice and short

lukas is good-ly (??????) influenced: also basic as hell and p much just the opposite of above. someone who is a good influence on lukas. encourages creativity and ambition instead of straight up recklessness. again, i see it as an older character but no gender seen here. a lot of this would be based around ur character so lets chat

michael bublé’s co parents: lukas has a goldfish named michael bublé (or just michael), i picture him having got it while high as heck during the day and just being like This Is A Good Idea. maybe ur character was with him and they were co parents from the start or maybbe they came into the picture later ??? i’m honestly down for whichever just give michael the love he deserves pls

and probably just about anything else these are just some ideas, i totally wanna plot further and brainstorm so please still hmu if none of these fit ur character we’ll plot something up !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[christinethesilentscreamer]

what do i like

comparatively, i guess this might be a lighter one. maybe not though, so i guess we’ll see where we get. 

i thought that coming to terms with my gender would lead to some kind of euphoria. i thought i had come to terms with my gender. like, cool, i use they/them pronouns. i present more feminine, so the occasional “she” doesn’t bother me. whatever. but there’s more there than i thought. 

there are terms that i don’t like, and i wonder if it’s just because they’re pervasive where i work or if they genuinely make me as uncomfortable as i feel like they do. for one, i’ve always known i’m not a lady. i never wanted to be. i straight up told my mom i wasn’t one when i was a teenager and she told me something wasn’t “ladylike.” this was before i had a concept of what it might mean to be gender nonconforming. ma’am is another one that bothers me. it always has made me feel uncomfortable. i used to think it was just because i felt like it would make me feel old, but that’s not really it. other words i’ve never really felt like applied to me or would apply to me. “woman” and “wife” always made me uncomfortable when thinking about applying them to myself. wife less so but it still feels like it wouldn’t be accurate. regardless, that’s not the direction i’m going with this. 

i don’t know what to wear to make myself comfortable anymore. I know certain things i like, but i don’t know how to be comfortable. there was a period in my late teens and early 20s where i started to feel like i could just wear what i liked and move on from there, and i dont know what happened but i dont feel like that anymore. i honestly don’t even know what i like anymore. i know i said i lean more feminine in my presentation, but do i? if i am going based off of this internal concept of gender neutrality, and if i honestly believe that things like makeup, hair length, nails, and clothing are not inherently gendered and i think that everyone of any gender should be allowed to wear anything, why am i so concerned with how i am presenting? also, i feel like there is this uncomfortable external pressure to look one way or another. 

at work, i’ve been going for more of a masc presentation with a little bit of makeup. i wear my hair up in a bun to disguise the length, often completely covered in a beanie. i have a single pair of shorts that are in dress code and are the only kind of shorts i would feel comfortable wearing there anyway. i wear baggy tops, have stopped wearing any kind of padded or structured bras (i’m thiiiiiiiis close to looking into binders) and try to disguise my figure as much as possible. my goal is to make it easier to help people at work transition into using the correct pronouns for me, and trying to confuse the public into being right. if they can’t tell i was afab, but i also don’t look amab, they have no choice but to either venture a guess (sir or maam are both wrong, so thats uncomfy for everyone) or just figure out some other pleasantry. best option yet, but forgo the pleasantry altogether. there has been one (1) person who has noticed my name tag is a nonbinary flag. I’ve been out for two months. i try not to put much stock into the opinions of the public, but it was nice to feel seen by someone who didn’t have to say anything. so there is one side of things. 

on the other hand, by partner identifies as straight. no issue there, i’ve known that since before we started dating. but there are complications that come along with that and i’m terrified. i don’t want them to stop wanting me. i’m comfortable with some feminine presentation, but i don’t know how far i can go in a neutral direction before they stop being attracted to me and wanting to date me. i don’t want any kind of surgery, i don’t want to go on HRT, and i don’t want to be a man. i just want to feel comfortable existing. like, i thought i was comfortable identifying as a demigirl, but as i think about it, that still doesn’t feel right. my gender is nonexistent. i don’t want to be identified by the binary. sure, if you take my presentation at face value, i guess i look more like a girl, and tend toward feminine looks at times, but looking past my external traits, i don’t identify as a gender, or towards a gender, or anything like that. in certain situations, i tend towards femininity. in my relationship, i am comfortable being the “girl” or whatever, but i am not a girl. i am not a woman. i am just a person that exists. i dont want gender to be so pervasive in my life that i am uncomfortable with however people identify me. i dont want the correct use of my pronouns to be as important as it is. i know “it gets better” but like...when? i’m scared that if i don’t meet certain presentation requirements, i’ll stop being desirable to my partner, or no one will respect my identity, and i hate that i can’t be allowed to just exist, like the things i like, and be respected. 

all of this to say, even if i try to put all of that aside, i don’t know what kind of clothing i like. i don’t know how to dress myself and just be comfortable. while i see things like makeup and clothing as gender neutral, that’s not the state of the society i live in, no matter how much i want it to be. i know men are wearing skirts. i know women are wearing suits. i know gender nonconforming folks are wearing both. but i don’t feel like i’m allowed to wear either. 

its ridiculous and so infuriating to me that i don’t feel at liberty to try out clothes and just find the things i like. i don’t know what to search on pinterest that suits what i’m looking for. i don’t know how to just be comfortable and like how i look in anything because there are always conditions. it makes me so angry because i feel like something i once really liked has been stripped from me. i don’t know where to shop, or what to look for, or how to style the things i own to suit me anymore. clothes should just be clothes, but they aren’t anymore. hair should just be hair, but a braid, or space buns, or whatever is too feminine on me. buns are boring and hide the hair i actually like having, and generally like how it looks. i don’t want to feel like i have to be perfectly androgynous or the right amount of feminine or whatever. i just want to be able to exist, and i feel more and more like that is never going to happen. 

basically, yay! i’m coming to terms with my gender! but wait, fuck, there are still societal restrictions on how the fuck i’m allowed to exist. 

i just want to scream at the top of my lungs for a very, very long time.  

[thathumanwiththecatears]

its the night after my birthday rn as im starting to type this, and i have no idea if i will actually finish this tonight and post it or not so just for reference to see how long it takes me to talk about this its currently 1:43 am on 2/5/18 and everything id under the cut because its very long.

so, i want to talk about literally everything going on in my head about gender, and im not gonna leave anything out, not even the stuff that i would normally be really afraid to talk about on here cause i just need to put everything down in words. 

I currently identify as a genderfluid person who leans more on the masculine side. and just for clarification i will say i also call myself trans, trans masc, nonbinary, and genderqueer. I discovered that i was genderfluid in 2015 and i have been happy with that label ever since, of course with the normal self questioning every genderfluid person goes through. 

for kind of a while but mostly recently, i have started wondering if i am possibly also intersex. for anyone who doesnt know what that means: its when you are born with ambiguous sex traits, so that can mean a lot of things like different hormones and genitals and stuff. so apparently, most people who are born intersex dont actually know, and neither do their parents, because if there is anything physically “out of the ordinary” you could say, they will just do a surgery to fix it first. 

now one thing that made me think this was the fact that i have a hormone imbalance. and i havent actually looked into anything that much to even know if that is a sign of it, but what i do know is i was told to take birth control to fix it and i can not stand how it makes me feel. It feels wrong, sometimes it almost feels like my body fights with it too and like i have more testosterone because of it trying to counteract it. again none of this is scientific, i literally dont know how this shit works and feel free to tell me i am an idiot. There are also 2 other reasons i think this but im actually rethinking the posting literally everything cause im too uncomfortable posting about those two so im gonna not talk about them, but feel free to make up your own idea if you so choose, you will probably be wrong.

things that i had before starting birth control were: hair on legs and under arms growing really fast, i smelled worse, i will say i had a stronger libido, i had long dark hairs that would grow from under my chin and neck (not extremely noticeable but they were there), some hair on my tummy, and a few hairs occasionally grew in between my tiddies, and i had a VERY messed up menstrual cycle like i very rarely had periods. there are more things but at this time i cant think of anymore. these things have all like not stopped but chilled i guess, and i almost hate it?? which is one of the things that is making me more interested in trying to go on T. 

There are many things i want from T but also so many things i am afraid of. i will mention the stuff im afraid of first cause i honestly feel like that is an easier list for me to talk about. so big big one, is my hair, i am terrified to lose my hair. so much of my self confidence comes from my hair its not even funny. i rely so much on my hair. people always question if im drawing myself when i draw characters because all of them have hair extremely similar to my own, but i just love this hair, i always have, and the fact that i actually get to have this hair on my head makes me incredibly happy. 

another thing im less concerned about but a bit is my voice. i know that that is like one of the main things trans guys usually want to change but i like my voice. i like how it sounds, and i like to sing. im afraid of what my voice will sound like after, im afraid i will hate it, and the thing is, that isnt reversible, if i go on T and my voice changes and i dont like it, i cant just stop T and have it go back. that is a permanent change, same with the hair. the things im most afraid of are the permanent things so im very afraid of it.

face shape changing is one thing im on the fence about, on one hand i think it would be nice, but also, i like my face shape, or at least the face shape i pretend to have in selfies, but I also use makeup to make it more masculine and i love how that looks and wish it could really look like that. Because of the fact that im genderfluid not a trans man makes it so much harder. 

things i think would be fantastic though, a big one for me is getting rid of periods, and i know that can be done by other things but it is deff a huge plus to this too, you see I got really used to not having them like ever, and now i have them every month, and i cant stand it. this is also gonna be really gross but whatever, i dont even like, do anything sometimes. i will just free bleed, if im home, if im wearing one of the pairs of pajama pants that i know always wash out all the blood then i just dont bother with anything, i have a short and not too heavy period so i dont even ever bleed completely through the pants either, so it just kinda works. its just so annoying and i hate that i have to deal with it now. 

another thing is weird to some but body hair growth, some people hate it but i kinda like it sometimes, and if i decide i dont i can just shave it off and everything is great. also beards, i love beards, and judging by my family and the fact that my face tries to grow hairs without T tells me i can deff grow one. and again if i decide i dont want it i can just shave it off. 

body fat migration, to make me have a less feminine body, and muscle growth, are both things that on my fat ass body i dont think would make too much of a difference quite honestly, but would i be pumped to look less feminine and be able to get more muscle if i actually worked out? HELL YEAH. and im just gonna slip this lil thing in here i like the idea of the uh,,, growth, that happens else where but just my body changing like that makes me happy, i know for a fact that i want to get my chest removed because its extremely annoying and gives me dysphoria, and quite honestly my tits are fucking ugly, i dont care how body positive i want to be and how i support any other person with large breasts, mine are so fucking ugly i have hated them since they grew in.

there are a ton of tiny things too that change that i want and like also just the fact of having those hormones in my body would make me feel normal. estrogen doesnt make me feel right. it makes me feel like something is wrong with me, and like i have taken away a part of myself. i dont know how to describe it, but that “hormone imbalance” felt more “right” to me than this. i feel like im messed up now. 

im just conflicted. I want to be happy, I want to feel okay in my body, but right now i dont, and i also dont know if being on T would fix it, or give me irreversible side effects that i can never fix and leave me feeling the same way. I honestly just feel like i would be better with my “imbalance” cause that was the most normal i have felt. but apparently thats not “healthy” 

literally like the main thing here is im not a trans man, and im not a cis woman, and yeah i lean more on masculine, but will i regret doing things to my body that actually make me physically closer to being male. i dont know, and there is no way to find out without really regretting it. but im just not happy how i currently am either, so it just makes it so hard. there is like no way for me to be happy like this, i just dont even want to have a human body, i would rather exist as just a formless entity that has no male or female traits. 

this post didnt even help me figure stuff out. im still just as confused. I just want to be able to live as a man but keep my voice and hair, if i could do that i think i would be 100% ready to go on T. and these are such petty things and i feel so bad about being caught up on them cause trans men talk about how they are afraid to lose their hair but say how its worth it to them. and i feel so bad that i dont know if it is worth it for me. like i dont deserve to transition if i dont think its worth it.

it has been an hour now. and i think im done now. but i might post about this again.