#i miss the teenhood I didn't have

[ensfortress]

When did our generation become so obsessed with the past we stopped living?

Bring back 80s fashion we say, 90s hairstyles, 2000s music.

What about 2020s? Do we have nothing to share? Nothing to show? Nothing to hold on to?

Why are we still living in the pandemic, unable to move forward? How long are we to mourn the ages we lost? How long will it take to embrace that we'll no longer be, no longer are the kids, the teens we were supposed to be?

Do we ever get out? Does the darkness ever end?

[writing-whump]

Sol, I have an idea, but its a bit detailed, so feel free to ignore this!

How about a little inversion and now it's Sel sick around Isaiah's family? Maybe Sel/Zaya went out for a movie and Hex/Arnie are also there (let's be real, Hex is stalking his older brother) and Isaiah is none the wiser and asks if they want to just sit together. Cut to Seline really not feeling so hot in the movie theater, but she's sitting between his brothers and would rather DIE than own up to it.

A Day at the Movies

Seline didn't particularly want to go to the cinema. Like, she was always for a cinema on principle, but there weren't any movies that caught her attention.

Besides, lately they had so much going on that they didn't have time for their movie tradition on Wednesdays and she didn't go home for two weekends because of Rip and Dylan and she still had like two essays to hand in...

But Isaiah insisted that since Rip and Dylan were officially out of the apartment, they should celebrate. Matthew smoothly excused himself from any movie date activities to go for a run in a drizzly weather.

And it wasn't a bad idea to have an official little date, just the two of them.

Seline didn't really notice with the stress and tension of caring for someone at home so intensely, but there was one thing that was definitely late.

By all means, she shouldn't have been apprehensive about the calander like right now, but forgot she should have been like two weeks ago.

So when her belly started to feel tight and her back was kind of achy as they went to get lunch and strolled around the shopping center by the Danube River, she missed the signs.

She should have known, when every child and dog they came across was making her tear up from sheer cuteness. If she knew, she would have insisted on going on sooner. First three days were always the worst, and the day before the start just a shade better.

But Isaiah was all relaxed. It was quite easy to get lost in his hold on her hand and his smiles. For once there was no role and no shadow to play and no pack to think about. She could see him unraveling into a completely different side.

They talked about movies and directions, then about her essay about dating apps changing values in society or not, then about his essay about what reading interests said about a person psychological well-being in different phases of life...

Didn't have so much time in a long time.

Seline squeezed his hand. Isaiah startled, but then kept talking, squeezing it back. This way, they squeezed their way to the cinema.

Isaiah bought the tickets, acting all puff and gentlemanly about it. Seline found it so adorable, she let him.

Newest thing playing wad Deadpool & Wolverine. Isaiah and Matthew had fun with the Deadpool series, but she successfully avoided it because of the high profanity. It scared her off enough in the trailers already.

But Wolverine was an X-men legend from her teenhood and Hugh Jackman back in his legendary role? Yep, that was worth a try on the big screen.

Isaiah was just frowning at popcorn and cola menu — too unhealthy for his tastes — when familiar figures appeared on top of the escalator.

"Oh," she said in shock as Hector and Arnie came up right in front of them.

"Oh and hey," Arnie said, big green eyes wide. "You going to see the premiere too?"

Isaiah turned around as well. "Premiere today? It's like 2 pm."

"It's the first day they are playing, so it's a premiere day," Arnie insisted.

Seline couldn't help noticing how both he and Hector basically lit up at the sight of Isaiah, though Hector was looking away and scowling. As if he could pretend that was his natural expression.

"They are playing it all day. What a coincidence you picked the same time as us," Seline said in a sweetly tone.

The comment earned her a suspiciously innocent look from Arnie and an angry huff from Hector. "You have a problem with that?"

"No, of course not," Seline said quickly with a snort.

Hector glared at her. "What, everything has to be like you want all the time? All bossy with him?"

Seline blinked, surprised by the out of nowhere attack.

"Hmm?" Isaiah lifted a quizzical eyebrow at them, not catching what the problem was about.

"What seats do you have?" Arnie interrupted quickly. "We could buy ours nearby." The youngest was eagerlystanding up on his toes to peek into Isaiah's hands.

"Don't think that's necessary," Seline said, still reeling a little at not having a response. Did Hector react like that when called out? "The theater is basically empty right now. Everything green for the big premiere."

Isaiah rolled his eyes, draping an arm around her at that, completely oblivious. "Don't judge until you see it."

"Oh, I'm very judgemental about this," Seline assured him and he laughed.

Hector and Arnie followed after them like chained. So much for a date for two.

On the other hand, maybe it would do them some good to be together? Sometimes it felt like Isaiah lived in several different worlds that never crossed each other. It would be good to integrate them more into the one he shared with her.

Not that there were many bonding opportunities in a cinema.

Aside the cuddling and hand-holding that was positively ruined, because Hector and Arnie sat right next to them. Isaiah was in the middle like a person they were all guarding, but Hector's presence was still so close.

He didn't have the same kind of sleek overwhelming aura, but the blond wolf radiated power alright. Something magnetic that made you look at him, something that wouldn't allow you to pass by without noticing him.

Where Isaiah was a looming presence in the shadows, scary in a distance kind of someone-is-watching-me-way until he stepped out, Hector was always in center. And he didn't need to say a word to do it.

Arnie was...surprisingly nowhere. She couldn't feel him at all, as they sat in the seats and waited for the lights go out.

Isaiah was diligently trying for some kind of small talk. He never bothered with that with her, but he was always different, when they were alone. Count other people into the mix and he changed colours like a chameleon. Trying to get along with everyone.

No, not trying. He could actually do it. Mirror anyone's interests, put the most quiet person in the room into focus and make them open up.

Right now he was coaxing up grumbly answers out of Hector and chirpy monologues out of Arnie.

Was the kid's lack of presence caused by his brothers overshadowing him with their own? Was it that she spend the last two weeks in a witch mode, reaching for her magic, her senses, to reach towards Rip, the apartment, that she felt the wolves, but not the human?

Was it a quality specific to him?

Well, maybe she would find out things from the cinema after all.

Trailers and ads started playing. Isaiah got quickly invested in the upcoming movies, leaning over her ear whenever he saw something he absolutely needed to see with her.

To her surprise, he did a similar thing to Hector and Arnie too, pointing out movies and directions they would surely like. Not as often as to her, but still.

It was sweet, like a little project of his. Seline wouldn't have guessed movies were something he could bond over with them too.

As the trailers got replaced with specific product ads, Seline's stomach gave an angry twist that had her frowning.

Her lower belly was tight and coiled, and there was this familiar pressure and a flash of hotness. She was sweating, although the cinema AC was blasting her in the face.

Did they eat something off? No way, they had salads and the meat tasted good. And they had the same thing and Isaiah was fine.

Something she ate on her own? They were on the same diet for the past weeks, not coming out of the house.

What was this supposed to mean?

The angry gurgly twist had her tentatively playing a hand on her stomach. It was sort of bloated under her dress, she didn't actually notice right after lunch...

Another, more familiar sensation creeper up a bit lower and the realisation hit her. Ah, that.

Okay, no panick. She just needed to get to a bathroom, she had pads in her handbag, she even had painkillers for the cramps, it was fine...

It would be fine, if she didn't have to go through freaking everyone starting Isaiah, Hector and Arnie to get out. She could just go from the other end, but then she would have to walk right in front of the screen everyone was watching to get to the exit.

Who went to the bathroom five minutes after the movie started?

Maybe she could still say she forgot to go before the movie. But that was still emberassing as hell.

She could slip out through one of the lower rows, then she wouldn't be so noticeable.

Seline gathered her nerve through the whole opening sequence, but the growing urgency to get to safety as her belly turned with vicious cramps had her on her toes. She couldn't concentrate on the movie at all.

She gave Isaiah's hand a squeeze, alerting him she would be back in a bit and creeped out of the cinema, feeling like a very badly trained thief.

Everything secured in the bathroom with no proofs or accidents brought her some relief. Unfortunately, the cramps really didn't, only growing in intensity.

She hated the first day. Everything hurt, her stomach, her back, her skin felt all flushed and sensitive. She wanted to go home, take a long overwarm bath and then curl up in her bed with a heating pad and watch her favourite movies. Not go back to those cold cinema seats, trying to keep herself from hunching over from the cramps she couldn't even soothe with a warm touch.

Did Hector and Arnie really have to show up today of all days?

If it was just Isaiah she could probably ask him to go home with her. Maybe. Probably. She didn't want to admit something like this was enough to get to her, she was supposed to handle this properly and womanly and all that, right?

As emberassing as that would be, she wouldn't mind asking him or making an excuse about not feeling well — which wasn't a lie — if his damn brothers weren't sitting right next to him!

Seline curled up on the floor in the stall, drawing her knees to her. Her eyes burned from her dilemma, which she knew from experience was not a adequate or real reaction, just hormones blowing up something tiny out of proportions.

Didn't help with feeling utterly pathetic. The clock ticked viciously by. Her phone was vibrating with asking messages if she was alright.

If she didn't come up with an excuse soon, she could as well be seconf-handly emberassed from not returning from the bathroom for too long.

What if she just went home?

Yeah, but that would have Isaiah shooting up and abandoning the movie and making a fuss, and that was what she didn't need at all right now. Or him looking too much into what was wrong or being all helpful and open in front of Hector and Arnie.

Geez, geez, she sure was making a big deal out of nothing, wasn't she?

Seline curled up back around her belly, forehead against her knees. She took paralen against the cramping, although she preferred not to go for medication every month, that was unhealthy. But emergency situations...not that it helped. It didn't even take the edge of it, simply that bad this month.

She wanted her herbal tea and her drops and her fucking bed, thank you. How could anyone expect her to walk witn this kind of pain?

And why did no one come up with something more effective for a problem concerning 50% of humanity, Jesus Christ?

If that wasn't enough, she also felt a tinge of nausea joining the chorus of her problems.

That one was rare. Usually just when she was stressed out - ah, that made sense, then.

After another message from Isaiah, she decided on her answer. Don't like the movie, but enjoy yourselves, guys. I'm gonna stop by the bookstore.

That was a believable excuse. Isaiah knew she couldn't be left in a bookstore unsupervised, if she wasn't to lose herself there for a couple of hours.

Worries settled, she finally unglued herself from the bathroom floor. Splashing some water on her face felt nice, but it didn't really help with the weird splotchy redness.

Seline kept her hands wrapped around her belly, dreading to come out the empty bathrooms and having to let go in the hall.

Slowly, she pushed the heavy door open. Where would she go? Actually to the bookstore? Hide away in a coffee house out of sight? It all sounded terrible.

"So this is where you went."

Seline jumped at the voice right next to her, hand shooting up to her chest. "A-Arnie?"

Youngest Wolfson stood with his arms crossed against the wall right on the crossroad between the public toilets.

"What—what are you doing here?"

Arnie shrugged. "I thought you looked funny, when you left. When you weren't answering for so long I figured something was wrong."

That surprised her. She didn't think she was such a bad actress and Arnie didn't know her all that much to see through her.

"I'm good with people emotions. Not with people, mind you," he said with a slight grin. "So what's the diagnosis, doc?"

Seline paled, hugging herself. "Nothing."

"Uhm," Arnie said sarcastically. "Do you want to sit down for this 'nothing'?"

The hallway in front of the actual cinema rooms were filled with dark blue cushioned sofas. Always in pairs facing each other, which created an illusion of privacy.

Seline gave a tight nod and let Arnie pick a sofa, the farthest away from other people killing time before a movie started.

She sat down, still hunched over herself, glaring at her feet. Sitting on the side with her legs crossed, at least she felt like she could hold her falling apart organs together better.

Arnie sat across her, watching her intently. "Nausous?"

Seline took a breath to deny it, but then snapped her lips shut. She would not admit to it, but she also didn't want to lie.

"Look, I'm good at seeing it. When something is wrong I know before Hector does. It's fine."

Seline was silent for a long minute. "It's not—I'm not gonna be sick or anything. Just generally..." she gestured towards him that the word he used was right.

Arnie clapped his hands together. "Alright. I'm gonna get you a big coke, cause someone said it helped with nausea," he said, giving a wink at her shocked expression. That was what she advised Hector the last time he was sick. "I'm well informed about you too, you see?" Arnie said, all smug. "Anything else I could get you? Pharmacy is just down the stairs and there is a Billa nearby..."

She shook her head.

"Any particular reason why you not telling Isaiah? I'm pretty sure he believes you would tell him if something was wrong, and that you are just protesting the movie."

Seline made a face, wincing at another cramp. "It's nothing. He likes this kind of stuff and it's not like everything has to be like how I want all the time."

Arnie rolled his eyes, immediately knowing what she meant. He didn't miss that exchange. "Don't let Hex's remarks get to you. He is all bark and no bite."

She couldn't meet his eyes again. Definitely too sensitive to be fair about anything right now.

Something warm landed across her shoulders. She flinched from the touch and looked up at Arnie draping his jacket over her. Seriously, the kid didn't have a presence.

"Sorry. Thought you looked cold." His smugness wavered, green eyes wide in his face, suddenly unsure how welcome his interventions were.

"Ah, yes," Seline said, huddling into the jacket. It smelled after his perfume, one she didn't know and couldn't place.

When he turned away, she caught the end of his sleeve. "Hey, Arnie? Thank you?"

He smiled at that. "No prob."

[msmargaretmurry]

“strings and all” + jack/trevor

okay. OKAY. hmmmm. this makes me think of this concept that i believe i already wordvomited onto twitter once, but let me expand upon it here: the tried-and-true classic "didn't realize i had feelings until you got a boyfriend" trope.

this is the fic where trevor had a little thing for jack all through teenhood and into their early 20s, but it never seemed like jack was into him that way, and that was fine. they make great best friends, and then they're on opposite sides of the country, and it's not like trevor's sitting around pining or anything. he's a charming young man, he can play the field, maybe even land himself a boyfriend.

so trevor gets a boyfriend. probably a boyfriend i make up, and not, like, jamie or something, because then i would have to break trevor and jamie up for the jack/trevor endgame, and that would be sad. so a made-up boyfriend from the greater los angeles metropolitan area. at first i was like, maybe he's kind of artsy, but no, i feel like he works for a creative company but in a slightly douchey corporate capacity. he thinks he's more artsy than he is, but trevor doesn't know how to tell the difference, so trevor legitimately describes him to people as "so creative." anyway, he and trevor met via mutual friends or something and hit it off and now trevor has a boyfriend.

jack doesn't like the boyfriend. he meets him like once when the devils are on a california swing and he doesn't like him, and then trevor brings him along on a bros' trip that summer, and jack still doesn't like him. usually jack wouldn't bother trying to pretend he likes someone he thinks sucks, but he can tell how proud trevor is and how pleased he is with this whole having-a-boyfriend concept, and they do seem to really like each other, even if this guy isn't the kind of guy jack pictured trevor with at all. what kind of guy DO you picture trevor with, jack? oh no. oh NO.

but he doesn't want to fuck up the good thing trevor has going. trevor's his friend and he loves him! he loves him way more than this rando californian (the guy is actually from indiana, he is an LA transplant) and he will prove it by being SO cool and chill about his feelings, the feelings that he apparently has, the feelings he apparently HAS HAD for eons and is just now recognizing for what they are. but his feelings keep getting worse, he kind of convinces himself that maybe trevor's only with this other guy because he doesn't know jack is an option. like, why would anyone ever want that guy if jack was an option? have you MET jack?

but he still doesn't want to fuck things up. really he doesn't! except then he and trevor are hanging out at some point during the season and he maybe drinks a little (a lot) too much and tries to kiss trevor, and trevor is like what the FUCK man. genuinely very upset about it!! he's in a really good relationship and jack knows that! jack had literal years to make a move that trevor would have been super into! the next day jack feels awful about it and trevor texts that maybe they shouldn't talk for a while, jack says okay because what else can he say? and so they don't talk for a while. go a whole summer without trevor coming to the michigan house. it's awful and jack is miserable. he hasn't gone more than a day or two without at least texting with trevor since he was, like, sixteen. it feels like he's missing a limb.

the first time they play each other the next season he asks if trevor wants to get dinner and talk, and trevor says yes, because life sans jack IS miserable. trevor hates it, too. they have a good meal and a long conversation wherein jack apologizes and promises he just wants to be friends, and trevor isn't sure that's true for either of them but he wants it to be, so they agree to be friends again. over the course of the season they get back to the normalness of texting every day and playing video games online together, etc, and jack's heart hurts but he thinks it's for the best, truly. trevor thinks he's finally got the best of both worlds again, his relationship going great, jack as his bestie again. but of course this cannot last, and when trevor's breakup happens it blindsides and crushes him.

it happens toward the end of the season, so pair that with another awful season for the ducks and trevor is deeply upsetti spaghetti. he goes home to mope but only makes himself more miserable, and finally finds himself showing up unannounced at the door of the hughes bros michigan lakehouse, where of course jack welcomes him with open arms to mope there for as long as he wants. it takes about three days for them to start having sex, and then they spend weeks having sex and playing house (please picture quinn in the background of this constantly facetiming brady like, i am both scarred for life and very concerned) until something happens to make jack realize, oh, none of this is real. it's just summer, and trevor is just grieving, maybe rebounding, maybe just wanting comfort and distraction, but it's not real.

so he screws up his courage and tells trevor, look, i love you, i want us to be friends forever, but also i'm in love with you and i can't do this summer fling thing anymore so i'm sorry but you need to leave.

as much as he loves jack, trevor knows in his heart he was using him a little bit. and he feels so guilty about it that he can't really argue his way into staying. they spend the rest of the summer only talking a little, trying once again to find normal, but everything has shifted and there is no normal anymore. cue months of pining, cue quinn absolutely flattening trevor every time the canucks play the ducks, because trevor made his baby brother cry. cue brady also flattening trevor when the sens play the ducks, because trevor made quinn's baby brother cry. cue matthew flattening trevor when the panthers play the ducks, but that's just because it's fun and trevor weights 137 pounds soaking wet.

anyway, something's gotta give. trevor can't live like this. he wants jack back. he's under no illusions about how he feels about jack, and if jack really is in love with him, then it's fucking stupid wasting all this time when they could just be together. and once he gets that thought into his head there is no stopping him. at the next opportunity — an all-star game, or a game in jersey, idk, but literally the moment he's in the same place as jack again, he puts on his cute little dress pants and a nice shirt and he goes to jack and says, go out on a date with me. and jack is like, i'm sorry what. and trevor says, i love you. go out on a date with me. and jack says, ok but don't expect me to put out on the first date, and then definitely proceeds to put out on the first date, and then they live happily ever after the end

[rottingbrainsandheart]

Barbie (2023) | Spoiler Warning

So on Sunday I've watched Barbie with some friends of mine, yesterday I've rewatched it in its original language and, expecially after reading lots of other people (mainly women) online, I have so many thoughts about this film that I just need to organize them and translate them into something coherent. Everything you see on here is based on my own perception

You know the drill: English is not my first language, so yk, you may find mistakes. I don't want to spend too much time reviewing and rewriting this post, I just want to let my thoughts out, so I apologize if this gets confusing or if I miss something (there are so many little things that can be discussed...)

The movie revolves around Barbie (and Ken)'s journey from Barbieland, a "perfect" world based on the imagination of young girls and children (and in which Kens are not at the center of attention) to the Real World: this journey represents the process of growing up and going from childhood to teenhood/adulthood, and how this journey is experienced differently between the genders (more than two actually - there's Barbie, there's Ken, and in Barbieland there's also Allan)

Barbie starts going through different physical and emotional changes, which all happen growing up: thoughts of death, instabilty, fear, anxiety, cellulite... But most importantly, she stops walking on tiptoes: her heels are on the ground. She doesn't fluctuate anymore, she fell down. Leaving our childhood behind we start being aware of the world around us: we don't live in our own world of fantasy anymore, we live in the real world.

She goes up to "Weird Barbie" and asks her for help with her malfunction. Weird Barbie leaves isolated, away from other Barbies. She's way different from them, she's eccentric and always in the splits: she's labeled as "weird" (both in her face and behing her shoulders). But despise all of this, she still helps other Barbies when they need her. She's the feminist who knows many truths about the real world, truths that other women don't want to hear because it's too painful. In fact, she gives Barbie the illusion of a choice, saying that she can either go back to her old life or know the truth about the universe. Of course Barbie wants to go back and pretend nothing happened, but that's not a real option: change is happening, she can't stop that, and so she has to go.

And so, she goes to the Real World... and Ken (#1) goes with her, because he made a bet with another Ken (#2) and wanted to prove that Barbie actually wants him around. Ken #1 thinks Ken #2 is so cool, while Barbie doesn't: this short piece of dialogue shows how men want validation from other men, more then women do.

Once they arrive in the Real World, they discover a different society than the one they used to live in: it's a men's world (even at Mattel they'are all men, except for Gloria, who's the CEO's assistant). They receive different kinds of attention (something that actually happens to them both is a moment of fetishization, when Barbie reveals to the men in the construction site that neither her nor Ken have genitals, but those men didn't seem to care, as long as they could still sexualize them both: sexualization is not based on attraction, it's only based on power): Barbie gets stares, inappropriate and sexual invitations, she gets scared, she feels anxiety (a mom goes up to her to tell her what anxiety is, and Ken sayd that he doesn't feel like that: of course he doesn't, 'cause "they never take it to the dads") pain and embarrassment (coming from violence), and later on she's hated by Sasha and her friends. Ken gets validation, attention and respect, and learns about patriarchy and realize he can get power. But he can't do that in the Real World, because he lacks qualifications: he thinks that (cis) men in the real world aren't doing patriarchy right, but one of the men he talks to actually revelas that "yes, they are doing patriarchy right, they just hide it better", showing us how cis men know that they live in a system that gives them power and privilege and actually want to keep said system, even if it harms others (contrary to popular beliefs where cis men are simply "born" in the patriarchy and can't do anything about it). The "lack of qualification" parts also shows that, while all cis men get some sort of privilege from the patriarchy, not all of them are on the same level in society, especially if they're poor and/or never received an education (and, again, there's Allan).

Ken takes all his knowledge about the patriarchy and goes back to Barbieland, where he basically appropiates everything that the Barbies have worked on until now, instead of making new spaces for the Kens. Having based his whole identity on his relationship with Barbie, in order to elevate himself and the other Kens, they all have to lower the Barbies and make them their maids and girlfriends (mind you, they never had to do anything for the Barbies, they just co-existed in peace: but Ken craved the attention that Barbie never gave to him, and that, to the basic cis men, is pure torture).

Barbie goes back to Barbieland (with Gloria and Sasha) and finds a world where other Barbies, who were once doctors, politicians and physics, have been brainwashed and deprived of their own autonomy, but who also seem to be enjoying this new system. Differently, Allan clearly states that he doesn't like living like this; he's not even with the Ken, he's actually giving them foot massages with the other Barbies. Allan is the one that doesn't fit in the Barbie-Ken binary (there's only one Allan; he's unique) The one that can't relate neither to the Kens nor to the Barbies. He represents gay/achillean men, transgender men, non-binary people, and generally anyone that doesn't fit in society, while the Barbies represent women who struggle with interiorized misoginy and who believe that patriarchy and men's supremacy is actually good for them, because a man's job is to protect women and a woman's job is to serve the men. The same patriarchal brainwashing that they received, we receive too in the real world. That's why you're either brainwashed or "weird". But there's still hope for them, because they can still open their eyes and wake up from the illusion: this happens thanks to America Ferrera's monologue, which might be superficial, that's true, but it still resonates with the women watching, and might help them "wake up" too.

Even before going through with the last parts of their plan, Barbie feels bad for Ken and fears that he might not like her anymore; and once "Kendom" is over, Barbie feels the need to apologize to him and encourages him to find his own identity... while he still tries to kiss her. As a woman she feels lime has to care for him and help him out.

At the end, Barbie reconnects with her creator, her mother, Ruth Handler, who tells us about the real idea behind Barbie: women can be anything. As a society we completely misunderstood the real message behind the doll, and we started telling little girls that they should focus on "having a Barbie look" (thin, tall, blonde): that's also why Sasha accused Barbie of being a fascist and anti-feminist. Lastly, Barbie asks Ruth her "permission" to become human: but she needs no permission, Ruth simply helps her to understand what it's like to be human, and that means accepting to be complex and imperfect: she's not the perfect Barbie anymore, she's an imperfect woman. Who's excited to see her gynecologist.

[loharafilmfestivals2022]

My Marvelous Movie Masterpiece Mix

Starting off strong with...

SUPERBAD (2007)

A comedic masterpiece that perfectly encapsulates the growing pains we all experience during the transition from teenhood to adulthood. Considering the lovable duo, Seth and Evan, are based on the writers themselves (Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg) retelling their own hilarious and oddly specific experiences, it's easy for audiences to relate to the main characters. If you're someone who has left school/home or are currently (as I was when I watched this movie repeatedly in the months before starting university) , despite it being absurdly funny most of the time, it's actually quite the comfort film; rousing warm emotions about a time I didn't think I'd miss.

Howl's Moving Castle (2004)

This being the first film of the Studio Ghibli Studio I was introduced too, I was instantly bewitched. Each of Hayao Miyazaki's animated movies behold a unique experience, not only are they visually stunning, there is always deeper significance contained within his works. Throughout, the film explicitly touches on the effects of war as well as the superficiality of keeping up appearances, as manifested in Sophies fluctuating age. Even having watched 'Howl's Moving Castle' several times at this point, I always find some secondary meaning. We are not just watching a love story unfold between some wizard man and a woman he's traversed time and space for <3

GONE GIRL (2014)

This movie absolutely riddled me with some inner turmoil, from beginning to end. I felt like I was gaslighting myself. Whilst the experience may have been longwinded and unsettling, honestly, it was all worth it to watch Rosamund Pike's astounding performance as Amy Dunne. She awoke a rage in 16 year old me towards a husband I certainly did not have. The 'cool girl' monologue perfectly embodies how it feels to be under the scrutiny of the male gaze 'She’s a Cool girl. Cool girl is hot. Cool girl is game. Cool girl is fun. Cool girl never gets angry at her man.' I was in tethers by the end of it. Good for her.

JUNO (2007)

Even without having watched this since my early teens, this off-beat chef d'oeuvre has engrained itself into the deep crevices of my brain. I feel that this movie played a key role in inciting the wave of indie gen-z kids thriving today (especially in Brighton), as well as summoning the Michael Cera express love train we all seem to have hopped on. It's an enlightening coming-of-age story (who doesn't love one of those) which features a beautiful soundtrack to match.

HONORARY MENTION

Promising Young Woman (2020)

Another good for her masterpiece, close to 'Gone Girl' if its colour palette was left to Wes Anderson's liberty.

[lost-harts]

10 Characters, 10 Fandoms, 10 Tags

Basic rules: choose 10 fandoms that you are part of/support, and choose a favorite character from each of those. Then, tag ten folks!

Tagged by: @briar-ffxiv

Tagging: @tidepoolarchive @mossycattail @moss-opossum @assortedinsanities @bunnyboybosom and anyone else who wants a go (I don't know 10 people Nate regularly interacts with)

Having OSDD can mean some strange things happen sometimes and currently Nate, the owner of this blog is not fronting so I, Gabe, another part, am currently fronting. Plus, Nate hasn't watched, read or played much, hart tends to front on walks in nature or when crafting. So here's all of our choices below

Death from Discworld

Terry Pratchett's Death is just an amazing character, he is caring even though he isn't supposed to be, he's hilarious without intending to be and Terry Pratchett just wrote him in the best way. There's so much to love about Discworld but to me it's made perfect by Death.

Honourable Mentions: Luggage, Susan, Rincewind, Granny Weatherwax, Nanny Ogg and Imp Y Celyn

Samwise from Lord of the Rings

Sam is so warm hearted and caring, but he's not afraid to express his feelings and thoughts, even when they may cause a divide. He's honestly a role model and 'goal' of the host part of the system.

Honourable Mentions: Gandalf and Aragorn

Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation

We were diagnosed as autistic at a very young age and were told all the stereotypes of autism were us. Our parents mourned our lack of empathy and bizarre habits constantly. Saiph even remembers being called 'soul less'. However, the host at the time, Saiph, loved sci-fi and found a refuge in re-aired episodes of Star Trek TNG. Data healed us in being all the things he wasn't meant to be according to his construction but still straddling the world of human and non-human. Data is very important to us as a character. Yes, its true our empathy isn't really there and some of our habits are strange, but we still have compassion for others and we don't hurt anyone being our weird selves.

Honourable Mentions: Worf and Picard

Yato from Noragami

I admit we're a bit behind with the manga so no spoilers for anything thanks! But with the manga and anime that we have watched and read I can say we really love Yato's cheeky-bordering-on-idiotic charm and wit. Noragami was also just a really important show for the host while they were studying at college (UK 16-18 college) and got very depressed. Noragami helped out a lot in keeping the host going.

Honourable Mention: Yukine

Merlin from Merlin

From about age 5, I was an Arthurian legend nerd so Saiph adored Merlin when it came out, watching every single episode as it aired. We didn't use social media until we were 18 but if we had, Saiph would have had a merlin themed tumblr blog for sure. Saiph loves Merlin's humour, dry wit, bluntness and fun he has with his destiny.

Honourable Mentions: Morgana, Gawain, Gaius and Arthur

Hercule Poirot from Poirot

If Poirot was real I would love to be his friend so badly. Sure this might mean I get involved in several murder cases and he would tut at my untidiness but we could be very autistic together and enjoy good food together too. He's clever, particular in his style and likes but most of all very caring.

Honourable Mention: Miss Lemon

Vlad from Young Dracula

So first of all this actor before we even full realised we were trans gave us trans guy vibes and made us feel safe. As far as I know, no, the actor is not trans but the vibes are there (the first series the actor was like eleven). But then oh my gosh the story of being forced to be something you don't want to be and the way Vlad desperately tries to stick to his morals throughout the series is so compelling. Vlad's constant and seemingly futile but unwavering fight, grapple against the darkness inside him was the great drama of my childhood/teenhood.

Guillermo from What We Do In The Shadows

I can't seem to get the newest series here in the UK so no spoilers thanks! But yes, Guillermo is such a sweetheart. He knows what he wants, he works for it, he even asks for it, its the dickhead vampires in his life that mean he can't get his wish. Also, he's such a cool fighter while being gentle and kind. Love him. You won't have him, Nandor? I'll have him!

Honourable Mentions: Nandor and Lazlo

Thomas from Ghosts

Truth is I am an extremely melodramatic person who has a problem with using long words that I'm not entirely sure the meaning of. That is a universal truth with all the system parts. Also Thomas is silly and very funny. His death is so sad and unnecessary too, it breaks my heart that events could work towards that end. I love a lot of the Ghosts' characters really but I had to choose one so Thomas is it!

Honourable Mentions: Captain, Kitty, Robin, Mary, Humphrey and Pat

Thomas from Downton Abbey

(I did not intend to put both Thomases in a row but I didn't plan properly) So we all agree to ignore the second film, right? It butchers everyone. Right? Good. Eagle-eyed people might spot that Nate sort of lifted Neely's (one of our favourite DnD characters) surname 'Osbarrow' from Thomas Barrow. That is how much we love this guy. Thomas starts as a villain, that you love to see act out his plans. He's compelling just as that. But then you see him soften and a great protector of others, using his bile and poison to spit in the right direction as it were and you love him. But with the years of being horrible and cruel for cruel sake, no one will take his kindness for kindness, looking for the hidden agenda. It is genuinely heartbreaking to Saiph and the host who are the main fans of this show. A great study in how to do character arcs in my opinion too.

Honourable Mentions: Mary, Sybil, Violet and Mrs Patmore

There's lots more characters from lots more shows, films and books we enjoy but ten is all we had so these are the top ten!

Some more characters who didn't quite make the top ten:

Chihaya from Chihayafuru

Cat from Cat of Dury Lane books

Marvin from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Twig from The Edge Chronicles

Miss Marple from Miss Marple

[whiskeyeyedfool]

Alright, listen up y'all because I got some facts to share and I'm dragging you along. This will probably be a ramble without structure so I apologise if it's difficult to read or makes little sense, I'm sure I'll reach a moderately alright point somewhere along the line.

(CW: mentions of abuse, mentions of SA, mentions of death, cussing— proceed with caution tbh)

I was a bad kid, okay? It doesn't matter that I was abused and became a statistic (I'm AFAB so you can assume which statistic) — I was a dick. I was aggressive, standoffish, distant, manipulative and rude. I would shout at my mother, write horrible letters for her to find and became insufferable to my immediate family, oftentimes unbearable. My coping mechanisms sparked concern, controversy and distrust. I was deceitful, stingy and unreliable. I neglected my academics, and put myself in a bad position for it. Did I do all this because of the circumstances I was under during the time? I want to justify my actions by saying that, but it's not true. On one hand, I was a child, and hadn't the tools in my toolbox to perform the job at hand, and on the other hand, I knew the difference between right and wrong and I ignored it in pursuit of rebellion and feeling something other than nothing.

There is truth in saying growing up is traumatic. As a child, you tend to deify adults. You stare in wide eyed wonder at the people towering above you speaking so clearly and without stumbling over words. You watch them perform complex tasks and you marvel at their ability to do - what you think is - everything. Entering teenhood brings a sort of coherency that, aside from being distressing, is extremely sobering. One moment you're a child and the next, you're staring down the abyssal tunnel that is your inevitable future and no one can tell you how to navigate it. They'll tell you that hair grows everywhere now and you'll have certain urges and thoughts and not to be ashamed of any of those things because it's natural. The ascent into adulthood is just as natural as the copious volumes of hair on one's body — which means it's indescribable. You sit across from a grown person and ask them how it was for them and they shrug and they murmur that they were troublesome or something similar. But they don't tell you that you'll wake up wishing you didn't have to be alive. They don't tell you that fear now is so much more visceral than when you were a child. They don't explain that your ideals, morals, and sense of self become a sea that you navigate with nothing but a plank to stay adrift. They don't tell you that life become an unending cycle of "what can you throw at me now?" They don't tell you that in 10 years later, you could fill a museum with your guilt.

Everyone has guilt. Everyone regrets doing something, or not doing something. I have guilt for being a dick, for hurting my mother with my words, for pushing my siblings away, for not giving myself a better future. I have guilt for the things I never managed to do. So much mourning and there's nowhere to go with it. No gravesite, no mortuary, no obituary. Nothing to mark the end of your teenhood, your childhood. You put all your guilt and your regret and your mourning in bags and now you carry them with you and they become tripping hazards and no one still can tell you how to navigate that. The people who gave you the bags will scorn you for having them, for dragging them with you. How else am I supposed to remember not to be so scared? So weak? So gullible? The bags hold lessons, too. Every guilt has a purpose. Every regret is something to learn from. Even the mourning reminds you that sometimes, missing something is better for you than still living with it.

I've been banging my head against a wall for months and crucifying myself for having been a dick. Truth is, I'm always gonna be a dick in some way to someone. Yeah, I was a bad kid. So was my mother, and my father, and my grandparents, and their parents before them. I don't condone to shouting at your guardians or doing anything I did, but there is place for that in this world just as there is place for good. I would have never been who I am today had I not experienced that growing up. In some ways, I have the circumstances I was in to thank for who I have become. I would do it again if it meant I got to be who I am now. Growing up is difficult. It's traumatic to a degree. It's never been easy, and it never will be, and you'll spend your whole life growing up. Don't be too hard on yourself for what you did when you didn't know what else to do. Don't carry the corpse of your teenhood in a briefcase everywhere you go; let sleeping dogs lie. Maybe you didn't turn out how you expected yourself to be, and frankly, the concept of expectations is rather silly when you think about it. Whatever happened in your childhood, in your teenhood, if you're here, reading this, it means you survived, and you're still surviving, and you're gonna have bad days, weeks, months or even years, but that doesn't mean you didn't survive. Sometimes, making it out alive is what counts the most.

So I confess my sins to you, Tumblr, and I hope that within the sea of troubles, this message finds someone. Anyone. I hope you understand that regardless of what you were conditioned to believe — you are not something to be fixed, and your enduring struggle is not invalid.

[bread-gobgob]

Hi.

Mod Kanik here. I'd prefer to be called K. I do not go by this in real life, but if this post is ever found by its other owner, I do not want them to know my name.

WARNING. THIS POST DISCUSSES A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN A MINOR AND AN ADULT.

This blog was never all that active. The story Eni and I were writing was a wonderful escape from our horrid realities and was made better our writing together. I do not consider this blog a big part of my life, obviously. We never had any followers, we never put that much effort into it, but I do consider it a big deal. This blog is all I have left of Enigma. That is not a good thing. I think if I post this it'll give me the closure I need.

When bread-gobgob was created, I was - based on the dates of the posts - fifteen years old. For nearly three years, I had been chronically online and had developed a terrible bout of agoraphobia. This was the result of many things that I won't list, but most of all it was the result of a very long co-dependent relationship.

Usually, I really wouldn't find this relationship to be that big of a deal. Recently, I have been diagnosed with traits of BPD, I tend to be dependent on people. I tend to have unhealthy traits. I'm trying to get better at not doing that. However, the relationship I had with Enigma was an incredibly big deal. In fact, it was a huge deal. I was fifteen. Enigma was twenty.

I cannot keep my composure while talking about this, I apologise for that, but I'm not aiming to keep my composure here and act mature. I'm aiming to tell my story, because Enigma was an inherently fucked up person and I need to vent. I need to talk to someone about this. I need them to come back and see this at some point and understand what they did to me.

To tell the truth, their age never stood out to me.

I lost contact with Enigma right before my sixteenth birthday. I believe it was the eleventh, maybe twelfth of July? We had stopped talking long before that. I will give credit where credit is due, it is Enigma's sysmates that initiated the loss of contact. Engima was removed from their position as host and the system, from what I know, decided it would be best to ghost as they did not know any other way to tell me they didn't want me in their life anymore.

I thank them for that.

Since losing contact with them, I've made friends. I moved schools (I went to college) and made friends who weren't held hostage by their phone their whole teenhood, and I have spoken to these people about Enigma. I have spoken with my therapist about Enigma. I had long, long talks with my ex-girlfriend about Enigma.

All three parties had only one thing to say about it all. That being, that I was groomed.

My relationship with Engima was a struggle, but I want to be clear: our dynamic was only romantic for around nine months out of the three and a bit years we knew each other. I want to be even clearer: it was NEVER sexual. Not once. But it was unhealthy. PAINFULLY unhealthy.

I'm shaking as I write this so I apologise if this doesn't make sense. When I knew Enigma, they also had an extreme case of agoraphobia. I do not think they ever did what they did out of genuine ill-intent, I think this was just their very fucked up way of showing they cared. But that doesn't matter, because it was still manipulation.

I missed out on a lot of my teenage years - when I first got into a relationship with Engima (April 2019), I was twelve, turning thirteen and they were seventeen, turning eighteen. When I told them my age - a few days after my thirteenth birthday - we stayed together for another five months. They broke up with me on Jan 1st, 2020 because they were uncomfortable with my age. This was over Skype. They said that, in future, they'd be happy to get back together if the opportunity came about. They said that they would prefer to wait for us to both be adults before meeting. I agreed to this and we went on as best friends. But in spite of this breakup, we only grew closer.

When I say I missed out on a lot of my teenhood, I mean I never got to experience the big things. I never went to parties, I never smoked weed, I never got drunk, I never kissed anyone, I never went out with my school friends, I never went outside.

I'm sure a lot of people go without these oppurtunities. Most of my friends didn't smoke weed or drink simply because they never got the chance. I'm not salty that I never got to try substances or mess around with a stranger at a party. That's not what I'm saying. I did get the chance to try those things. I got invited to parties and I got asked to come sesh with people and I got asked to go to town and window-shop with my buddies. I declined everything I got asked to. I declined because when I told Enigma about my weekend plans, they would freak out.

Freak out at me and at themself. The idea of me going outside, to this person, was like a threat. I would say "[name] and I are going skating tomorrow!" and Engima would have the panic attack of their LIFE. That, or they would ignore me for multiple hours. Enigma didn't like the idea of me going outside. It got to the point that I cancelled plans out of fear that they would off themself if I stepped outside. The fear came from the idea that if I was busy, I wouldn't answer. If I didn't answer, they would panic. If they panicked, they would hurt themself.

And it was like this until my last year of high school. I live in Australia, we don't have middle school. We got straight from primary school to high school, and then we head to college when we hit seventeen. There were five months of my four years of high school where I didn't have this person on my back, telling me I couldn't do this or that because they NEEDED me.

Enigma and I's last messages to each other were late last year after my leaver's dinner. I sent them photos of my dress and new hair and all that, and said I was living my life now. They sent me a message back and we exchanged words about how these days, it was so much easier to go outside and do things because we weren't nervous that we were gonna miss a message about something bad.

I know that throughout my relationship with Enigma, I was very panicky and very dependent. In their last message, they made it sound like I had done the exact same thing to them? I argue that they were eighteen-twenty-one and I was thirteen-sixteen. Fuck that. You were an adult and I was a child. You claimed to be so much more mature than me and claimed to know what was best for us, so I raise you the fact that you were an adult. A UNIVERSITY STUDENT. And though you broke up with me, you stayed in contact, even though I was FIVE YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU AND TO THIS DAY STILL AM A MINOR and made me think that if I left you, an adult, alone for more than an hour, YOU WERE GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF.

FUCK YOU HORRIFIC SENSE OF MORALS AND YOUR FUCKING "oh but we were so close and I was so attached and-" FUCK THAT. You were an ADULT. You should have blocked me BACK IN 2019. I DIDN'T NEED CLOSURE. I NEEDED TO BE TALKING TO ANYONE, ANYONE MY AGE. You shouldn't have needed me. I was not capable of fixing you.

You don't realise it, but the effects you had on me were insane. I take melatonin now because YOU used to get mad at me for falling asleep. I hallucinate your voice when I have panic attacks, I dream of you and I sitting alone in a void when it's been a long day. I panic when I don't have my phone on me. Recently I lost it, left it with a friend who then got on a bus with it, and the panic attack I had was HORRENDOUS. I thought I was going to get a message from you, August this year, and miss it and completely fuck everything up.

I have cried over you tirelessly, I have written stories upon notes upon letters to and about you. You have thoroughly ingrained yourself into my head and you just. won't. get. out.

I am working towards getting over it. Leaving my phone at home while going on walks, not bringing chargers to school, putting my phone on do not disturb, completely deleting discord and skype from my computer AND phone. But I don't think I'll ever really escape it. Not before I get out of school anyway.

I will not speak on my relationships with the others, as I respect them far too much for taking action when realizing that what was happening was unhealthy. There is one other alter, however, that I am willing to talk about. Not because of anything bad. Simply because I need to come clean.

K. You know who you are. I don't care if you read this or not, it feels wrong to say it all, but I can't keep myself from saying it. You'll probably never see this, but I think telling you will help in some way toward my healing. Here goes.

So far as I know, I'm aromantic. Romance repulsed. But occasionally, you cross my mind, and I remember how desperately in love with you I was when we knew one another. Enigma always said, "you fixed him!" I think that was very poor wording. I didn't fix you, K. You fixed yourself. All it took was some form of kindness, and you learned to open up. Slowly. I'm so proud of you for that. I don't think I'll ever love anyone as much as I love(d?) you, K.

I sound ridiculous at this point, but you'll never read this, so fuck it. Talking with a very nerdy friend of mine recently, I realised why you got so odd when I promised to braid your hair one day. I don't take it back. If it weren't for how things went, if it were a different time, different circumstance, I would marry you. In a heartbeat, I would let you braid my hair and I would braid yours. I hate to admit it, because I hold so so much resentment in my hands and jaw, but I absolutely would. You were so so special to me and I don't think I could ever be mad at you for what happened. You are the brightest bit of the spots of light in the darkness of my teen years.

I send my respect to JF, who always made me laugh. To PB who always held wonderful conversation. To B, TMM, and THM who made me feel powerful and respected.

Thank you to those in the system who provided me comfort during a very scary time. We should not have known each other in the first place and, to be honest, I don't remember most of you. But you were there and you were not my abuser and I recall snippets of joy from some of you. Thank you. I'm sorry it turned out like this.

K.

[ask-stjerne-and-logan]

I’m not sure how to ask or tell you this, but I get pelted by a ton of Thomas the tank engine post’s because of you. The posts specifically say because of you liking them. And it’s jarring, and l just want you know that I’m glad you enjoy non Rwby content but Thomas the tank engine fandom is not what I expected you to like from this blog.

To be honest, Anon, it's not something I expected so early on either.

The Show itself is a childhood staple of mine. I used to watch it all the time when I was little. It was just something my Mom put on the TV for me because she thought it was a cute show. I've followed the series into my teenhood, but stopped because I was in the "That's a baby's show; I can't be watching this" mindset.

But after I reached my 20s, I realized that this show wasn't just for children. There was a lot more to this series then I imagined and the fact there were mature undertones I've missed was surprising to me. Plus, looking at the original source material, I realized that Thomas and Friends, though it hardly looks that way now, was created to be a representation of IRL Railways.

I don't know if this is also relevant, but when I was little, I also thought that trains were very cool to me. I didn't know why; I just did. It was probably because of watching Thomas and Friends. And learning that this series was based off of Real-life engines made it all the more interesting for me to look into.

Call it a hyper-fixation, an addiction or whatever you want, but digging a piece of my childhood I have buried for so long is cathartic for me. Plus, everyone has their taste in fandoms and as long as they're not doing anything wrong and having fun, there's nothing really wrong with what they like.

That being said, don't afraid of enjoying things you like because you never know if there's someone out there who likes it too! XD

[mokonahapuuuuuu]

So I had an interesting evening today.

So, I was this close into getting something delivered to my door, but then to save cash, might as well go to the mall. Missed the first bus, then got on the other bus.

Got to the food court, and there I see, an old teacher and her husband.

So basically this teacher got me through the worst parts of my teenhood. When I moved to a new city and was angry and emotional all the time. My parents weren't getting along until they officially separated much, much later. I got bullied in my old school, severely.

Then I saw that teacher again in 2017, I was so happy. I had tears in my eyes, well even if I wasn't on hormones that day, I'd still cry.

Mother left me behind in the town next door over, not really picking up my emails or calls. And well, I always talk about my extended family drama. I'm basically the black sheep on both sides of my relatives.

Crying now.

No wondered I cried when I saw that teacher again.

And then around... 2020, 2021, she kind of blocked me on social media.

Gonna sound stalkery, but I HAD to do that. I remembered her husband's name. Basically she taught dance in my old school, and also drama. Her husband's a performer of sorts, and I remembered his name, since he came to our school.

Sort of unrelated, I remembered that she was pregnant with their first child, a son. That's why she kind of left the school when grade 10 was the worst year of my high school years. If only she came back.

She would have helped me through so much. Friend drama, when my mother was a total Asian tiger parent bitch.

Anyways, so basically her husband told me the reasons why it all happened, and I cried for four hours.

I wrote in an email "if reconciliation were in the cards, I wouldn't even look at her".

And the big dramatic moment that always replayed in my head came when I saw both of them in the food court, all I did was pat her on the shoulder, said hi then walked away.

No dramatic yelling, no tears...

God.

There was just so much I wanted to tell her and that moment at the food court was just so awkward.

I just didn't want to tell her why the way I was in grade 8, or my autism. I also wanted to talk about dance, ballet. What did you think about Gangnam Style, How You Like That - Blackpink.

And now that will never happen.

Maybe I just wanted to thank her for believing in me. For helping me make the move to a small town more easier.

Maybe I needed her again after all my family members had been jerks to me and left me behind.

Cus like there's high school complicated, and college complicated.

[leggerefiore]

I like to think the subway twins (at the Very least Ingo) after the beautiful ends of babyhood end and childhood turns to teenhood if it even takes that late they get that baby fever again (I recall Ingo not aiming for twins but did want multiple children it probably didn't take him too long to plead lovingly for another child when he was sure they were ready meanwhile Emmet blown away by the sheer attention twins need needs a little more time before any more babies)

Oh yeah, Ingo wants more kids, definitely. He just thinks his son is so lonely and watching him grow is making him miss when he used to depend on him so much. His son is like four and still clinging to his legs and crying while he thinks this. Ingo is very fatherly and loves watching his children get older, and he feels that having a sibling is an important experience. After all, he feels that a lot of his personality traits come from him being an older brother.

Emmet does understand twins are a lot of work. He wanted them for a while and his mother kept alerting him to how much work they are (especially as infants to around age five). He's very happy he had them, nonetheless. His girls become his world and when they finally get around five, he realises he may want another child. Ingo had another, and he has to keep up. That, and he's sad one of his girls is extremely independent.

[simmonsized]

Mmmm, okay I’ve decided to bug you again. This time it’s for your Bro Strider hcs, it can be as random as you want them to be. Shoot ‘em at me bro!

(Side comment: Mom lalonde’s lack of cooking skills in TRaG kills me every time. I love her <333)

haha you're not bugging me! it's been really fun! this time I will not go on a crazy in-depth rant, because my actual deep dive on Bro Strider's personality, past, and like, general state of being would be embarrassingly long and i refuse to face the mortifying ordeal of being known THAT well like u know, half a million words of nonsense already out there and what have u

BUT i can give u some sillies and they are just. RnG specific, for fun also! (fun for me lol) For canon Bro it's a little too hard bc like.... lmfao the man has no speaking lines, so i'm extrapolating from a 2-D sprite of a version of a guy raised by a demon puppet. Whatever that says about me.

Bro (and D) are both missing a molar on the upper right side, towards the back

Bro got his truck when he was 22, before that, he would carry Dave around on the bus lol

He (like Dirk) doesn't like the crusts on his pizza, but started eating them as the parent of a picky toddler, and I guess never broke that habit, he is a parent down at the center of himself, even if he wouldn't admit it

I headcanon all the Striders as having pretty severe ADHD, just well. Because lol

He has a bunch of the same shirts and shoes because they're "efficient" not because he particularly liked any of them, and I don't think he could be considered particularly fashionable, even if popped collars were, indeed, a thing in 2009

He gets freckles in the sun, which I think he usually manages to avoid with his silly little hat

He's left handed but that's not really a headcanon so much as canon bc hussie is left handed and tends to draw all of them holding swords in their left unless the sprite is flipped haha!

Big Ol' Crush on Jake Harley when he was a kid. Compounded with time and bitterness made for a pretty fraught relationship lol

Bro (obviously) loved Jim Henson as a kid

Hand in hand with that, he's super good at voice impressions, to the point where it's more uncanny and haunting than just like, a little silly

He worked under the table at a car garage after moving into the apartment by himself, and yeah! c:

He was a little ?????? in between 18 and 20, so he started going to college, but dropped out because Dave showed up

Also I headcanon that the kids dropped on Mom and Bro's 20th birthday, due in part to my (regretful) knowledge of the Skaianet files which I don't know if anyone remembers that but like, it mentions grandpa harley picking mom and bro up in 1975

I also have a formula for figuring out the alpha guardians age which is insane but i'm right about it

Bro used to DJ (i mean he has mixing equipment but we all know the smuppets are where the money is at) but Dave was getting too old to leave alone in the car (yes he fucking left his baby in the car don't tell me he wouldn't i know him) so he had to stop

He broke his arm when he was 12 (he fell down the stairs lol)

Bro is afraid of airplanes because he doesn't like being out of control, there's nothing to do, and there are no feasible exits from said plane

He didn't start smoking until he got Dave (unrelated to Cal, but I do think that Cal's influence grew and built over time, and possibly was even more extreme because of Dave's presence, so who knows where he'd be without it)

also neither he nor Mom really know how to cook, Bro a little more than Mom because she spent most of her time drinking and pretending to be a parent without putting the work in and Bro has been on his own basically since teenhood

He and Dave have been to Disneyworld (they got kicked out)

He was really into phreaking payphones as a teenager (lookin at u geometrician)

His first Halloween costume was Sam the Eagle

:)

[starrrbitz-movedtonewblog]

Happy 7 years to Undertale!! ❤

Happy anniversary to the funny pixel game that made me autistic /hj

Not gonna lie everytime I think about this game i can't help but be an emotional little bitch. I was obsessed with this game then, previous years, and it's only gotten worse <3 How the fuck has it been 7 years though good god I'm getting old ahhaha

Okay okay in all seriousness, my little insane rambling is under the read more for those who are interested. Warning its very informal pff

Any of you who have at all been following this blog know I am very much still obsessed with this game, so I'll spare everyone the usual "this game inspired me and my art" stuff since you all know that nonsense haha.

I think the reason I'm still here talking about Undertale in 2022 is because, well this game... is now a big part of my childhood/teenhood. This is the game I sort of technically grew up on, and I found in a time of insane loneliness and a creative block. I was fucking 14 struggling through high school and little did I know rahg I would have to transfer to a new school, and that it would be very stressful. I also didn't know that this game was going to help me through it.

You know how a lot of people had Pokemon, or Mario, or Zelda or other games as their fixations or childhood. That's cool, and I always want to play those types of games, but the thing is I've always either missed out on or came extremely late into those franchises. I came to Mario very late, and I consider one my fave game franchises, but that whole ass franchise is older than me and there's still games from it i have yet to play. Still to this day, I haven't played a single Pokemon or Zelda game, as a kid I only knew Pokemon as an anime and Zelda was completely off my radar until a couple of years ago. I've always come late to or missed out on many games.

Undertale however, I and many others have sort of been here from the start with it. I've seen almost everything from the first happenings of the fandom (whether for better or worse... mostly worse pfppf), I've seen so many people play this game, I've studied and analysed and theorised over every little mystery I could find in it, and sometimes just thought a lot about being friends with the characters cause you know I'm normal. I've also gotten excited for new merch drops, even though I still haven't bought any for myself. I've been with friends and gone apeshit for new content like new characters, the smash reveal, and of course the alternate AU smorgasbord game of Undertale, Deltarune, another incredibly important game to me.

I'm still waiting for new chapters of Deltarune, still drawing art for both games, still enjoying everything about it. This. This silly little game inspired by Earthbound and made by a previous Homestuck writer, two franchises i know nothing about, this fucking game is my Mario. It's my Pokemon, or Zelda or Metroid or whatever other beloved franchise that has captivated people for years. Its the game I get teary eyed and warm thinking about, the game with a soundtrack that I can listen to ANY time as much as I want. Its the game I can get all the references to and get excited about when I notice them. Cheesy as fuck yeah I know

I know 7 years seems measly to the maybe 10, 15 and even 20 years people have had their fave games, but fucking hell i think it means SOMETHING when this silly little indie rpg with a fuckton of lore and mystery around it can have such an impact on someone like me. And who knows, I think in the future, maybe 5 years later?? I will be able to look back on Undertale and Deltarune alike, like others do with their fave games, and feel nostalgia, and a connection with the games. I'll revisit it, play it again, still be making fanart for it, and maybe introducing it as something beloved to me to someone I know, while they do the same with their fave games to me.

I dunno i feel just really emotional thinking about it, and yeah haha Undertale the game that makes everyone cry and feel things, GOOD. that's the plan!! And i don't plan on fucking stopping talking about and loving, and CRYING over this franchise. Despite everything my love and respect for this game has never waned, despite everything, I'm still here!! Despite everything, its still me.

So yeah I guess thanks Toby Fox for continuing to make your games and inspiring me and many others and for constantly killing us with your games, thanks to you I will never be the same again and I think I'm more than okay with that <3

Happy Anniversary to Undertale (and happy 1 year anniversary to Deltarune chapter 2, how the fuck has it been a year already it seems like only three months ago I was losing my shit shit one discord with my friends at the announcement-)

Okay bye lol

[strange-ghoul]

Written in an effort to others who feel this to feel validated and know you're not alone

late night writings that might get deleted later to stay on brand when im less depressed

but god, has Techno's death impacted me so much. I never knew him, but due to parasocial stuff, he was still involved so much in my life. He brought me back to drawing, he brought me back to animating, I actually uploaded an animation with him and some other MCYT members in it (even if it's shit)

I feel physically sick. I keep thinking that im going to throw up. I keep going through bouts of extreme sadness, hoplessness, and numbness. The suicidal thoughts are appearing and then they disappear but god.

I want to hear his voice again. I want to be comforted. I want to be loved and held. I want to be told this was all a joke.

I hate that I feel this way because I never knew him. What right do I have to feel this way, when this isn't someone I know personally?

I don't know what's wrong with me and I feel sick. I see so many people posting, wishing him well, but not enough talking about these horrible, horrible side effects of loss and grief. I feel so empty, like there's a whole in my chest. It doesn't feel right without him, and I'm so frantic to put back the pieces.

a part of me keeps trying to deny it. I feel the trauma response part of me trying to black this out like the entirety of my childhood/teenhood. I'm actively trying to stop it but I don't know how long it'll be till I finally cave and just start day dreaming and blocking all over again. I don't want to forget him. I don't want to forget his death and pretend it didn't happen like everyone else I know who's died.

I can feel my natural response wanting to put everything back in place to feel comfortable again. I'm already lashing out at my family, I feel unnecessary emotions. I hate this. Somebody put him back. Please.

I regret not posting every bit of art I had. I regret not finishing those animations. I regret not being as active in the community as I was in my head. I wish I was so that he could feel just that tiny, bitty bit more loved. Even if I'm just a droplet, I know it still makes an impact.

To anyone who reads this all, my dms are open. im heart broken, you're probably heart broken, so lets walk through this together.

I love him and I miss him, so fucking much.

[11scout11]

helloo! this is and introduction of a story ive been writing! i desighned the charectors and town and i realy like them, hope you do too!

introduction of The Ghost Of Autinesbury

Chapter 1

“Your late” tanyas cold voice rang out from the door, the door i might add that had swung open with such force and vigour it had almost concussed our poor protagonist Rae. Tanya was a smart, level headed girl with a usually tidy appearance but today was different, tanyas blonde hair, usually neatly brushed and swept into a tight bun was now a frayed, messy top-not with many strands and locks fallen in front of her rosy face, diluted emerald eyes peeking up from under the curtains of silky gold threads, however peaceful the color was her expression juxtaposing whatever calmness was in her face.

“Wow ,didn't think I'd ever see little miss put together look so untidy” rae chuckled nervously only to be tugged into the house by her shirt “i have been cleaning and unpacking all day, by myself i might add!” the angered woman ranted rushing up old rickety stairs with some sort of odd red crust between the floorboards under them.

“Close the front door, i don't want those daft cats in here” came her bellowing voice from some place upstairs, rae rolled her eyes smiling closing the door with a slow subtle creek. she turned when she heard rapid footsteps thundering down the stairs towards her, in a split second a stack of old,dusty music CD’s clattered into her arms “are these?-” the short girl was swiftly cut off by the blonde “yea those are your edge-lord CD’s, you left them at my house last time you came over, i had to hide them from my mum, she claimed they were the devils work, you know her” tanya muttered rushing to the kettle flicking it on. Rae placed the CD’s by her bag at the door sliding off the tall black boots she usually wore in hopes to add a bit of height before wandering into the front room.

The walls were painted a pale homely orange matching the autumn colours outside, the floor consisted of pale wooden floorboards and a yellow carpet beneath a grey sofa positioned towards an old dusty tv on a dark redwood cabinet. Tanya hurried out of the connected kitchen with two steaming cups both filled with the girl's life sustenance, coffee.

“I don't know how you drink black coffee” rae muttered sipping the scolding beverage “and I don't know why you drink yours so hot but you don't see me complaining do you?” the taller replied “well that makes a change doesn't it” rae said to herself, the two bickered like this since they had first met but were truly best of friends, they hadn't seen each other in a little while despite their closeness “so tell me, how was uni” tanya asked pulling her legs up onto the sofa “i dunno it's alright but london is really busy, christ and don't get me started on the trains, why do you think i was late?” the brunette groaned beginning to go into detail on the creep that decided to sit next to her “its a public area rae, other people are allowed to sit down you know” tanya sighed at her seething friend

“Not next to me they aren't, i should have punched him!” she growled

“There there dear we don't want another assault charge do we? How long did they make you work on anger management again?” tanya teased referring to an event in their teenhood, before rae could respond a knocking resonated through the house gaining the girls attention “that'll be my idiot brother” tanya said standing up headed to the door.

Behind the door was a tall messy blonde haired boy with a camera around his neck and a dull blue hoodie with grey patches “hello dearest sister of mine” he spoke loudly with a large grin on his face, james has basically always been a cheerful energetic sort of guy with an almost theatrical air, unless you count the emo phase but we don't talk about that. However, when rae stepped out into the hallway the poor boy's confidence seemed to shrink from a lion to a pitiful mouse as his face flushed and a few beads of sweat seemed to appear “i-i mean hey tanya, how are things?” he corrected leaning awkwardly against the door frame slipping a few times, tanya rolled her eyes pulling him into the now slightly cramped hallway. “Rae, you remember my brother James, he used to play that screamo music whenever you came over to impress you” she smirked watching both her friends flush a bright red before leaving into the front room again.

Both rae and james tried to leave the hallway at once “uh you can go first” james stuttered staring at the apparently very interesting stairs, rae swiftly lurched past him slumping on the sofa next to tanya, james followed timidly “she won't bite james” tanya chuckled before glancing at the brunette “Well i can't promise anything…” both girls slurped their drinks simultaneously filling the awkward silence “didn't a family used to like here… redwoods wasn't it?” Rae muttered trying to lift the mood, she failed when she got a response “yea they left town when the weird one died” tanya said nonshalontly hearing a gasp from james ``you can't say that-``''he died?” rae cut the tall boy off with her own surprise “yea, fell down those stairs” tanya muttered pointing while taking another sip “i don't think he fell” james added getting raes attention “don't listen to him rae, he's full of conspiracies” james squinted at her as she continued “not the best way to go is it, imagine that ‘oh how'd you die?’ ‘oh y'know fell down some stairs’ its a bit pitiful isn't it” to this james pinched her gaining a slap to the hand in response

“you can't say that, were in his house-”

“Our house now, and besides he's dead now, what's he gonna do, rise from the grave to slap me?”

“He might!”

“Oh please, you and your ghost stories”

“What if he's still here!”

“Then I'll say it to his face, he was weird!”

“Guys that's enough”

“Actually rae he was kinda like you”

Rae gasped “I'm not weird, I'm just different!”, tanya giggled “is that what your mum tells you” she remarked as rae jumped up, tanya sprinted into the kitchen trying to avoid her best friends wrath they ran around the kitchen counter before rae tried to climb over the counter receiving a fist full of tea bags thrown at her face in a final,desperate act of self defence. James, finally stifling his laughter, who had been filming them, seemed to realize something they hadn't noticed: “who brought tea?” he asked picking one of the bags up “wasn't me, i hate the vile stuff” tanya remarked, they looked at rae who had just peeled herself off the counter top “well i didn't either” a pause swept over the group before james as always perked up “tea ghost!” he received a light slap up the backside of his head as tanya muttered “enough about ghosts, we have some tidying to do. All three of them winced looking at the mess of loose bits of fruit, teabags and kitchen roll strewn around the place like bunting or Christmas decorations. “Well I'm not helping, I didn't make the mess.” james stated crossing his arms

“I don't even live here. '' James muttered, picking up some oranges and tea bags, turns out going against rae and tanya is a bad idea, they're a good team to say the least. “Just hurry up and clean,'' Tanya growled, chucking the loose scraps of kitchen roll into the bin. Rae chuckled, she had almost always been amused by the sibling squabbling since her and tanya had first met when they were in secondary school. Later they found themselves positioned back on the soft grey sofa “for the last time James, we are not going ghost hunting.”

all the while a slim boy is sat in the attic awaiting discovery...

writtian by emmerson

DISCLAIMER:please do not post this to any other websites or use the charictors without my permission, thanks ^^

[katal0gue]

OK I'm confused about something and embarrassed about being confused but would Taylor Swift not be the millennial equivalent of Olivia Rodrigo or am I missing some obvious gaping difference, like when I was in hs she was singing songs about teenhood. Is it bc she wasn't a teen herself when she hit the peak of her stardom? Is it bc Oliva Rodrigo is more rock y and not country at all? I'm confuzzled because the rebuttals to the statement that millennials didn't have an equivalent are like fiona apple and tswift seems more obvious but I'm really unaware when it comes to music and like. It's connotations