#i need Shinae to be assertive

[trashlie]

[‼️FP 237 spoilers] with nol's walls all the way up shin's "if you won't let me have you" is our only hope now <///3 tbh i had a strong feeling that nol would be extremely stubborn (after all, it's not just dieter and alyssa/"being like his father" that are preventing him from letting her in; the biggest reason remains yui) so i was actually hoping that shinae would be the initiator, that she'd back him into a corner and really push for it. but i swear to GOD if she shows up with a confession and he hits her with the "your feelings are your responsibility not mine" I WILL FIND A WAY TO TELEPORT INTO THE COMIC AND KILL HIM. LIL BUDDY JOIN ME. NOLAN PREPARE FOR DEATH 😾💥😾💥😾💥 i'm just HOPING that he's all talk and once shin shows up all his resolve crumbles ;; but it's starting to look like he's gonna need the time in jail to clear his head, sit with his feelings, read nessa's letters, and then yujing's article will probably make him see that there is hope, that things can be turned around, and maybe then he'll be willing to make alliances. but god i would HATE for them to part on bad terms i would HATE to see shin getting hurt again <///3 this girl has put up with SO MUCH she has given SO MUCH of herself to him and nothing is coming back she has been going through all stages of heartbreak how much more is she gonna have to endure i just UARGGHHHGHHHH.

-frustrated lil anon 😾

the thing is there is a big flaw in nol's thinking that someone needs to point out to him please. it's understandable that the stronger his feelings are, the closer they get, the more scared he is of what could happen - what yui could do -, and that he wants to prevent a tragedy at all cost. but boyo. guess what. YUI HAS ALREADY TAKEN INTEREST IN SHINAE REGARDLESS SO IT'S TOO LATE. whether you cut shin off or not, she is still in yui's trap!! she's actually *worse* off without you, so might as well join forces!!! GRRRRRR i'm seriously so frustrated. -lil anon 😾

GOD!!!!!!! /GOD/ Listen Lil Anon I am RIGHT THERE WITH YOU. All the way with the frustration, too, and it's so difficult because YES. I get him. I UNDERSTAND!!!! But HE DOESN'T HAVE THE WHOLE STORY.

I firmly feel like, yes, it is up to Shinae and her pure determination to tackle this, and I'm hoping he is all talk, or rather, I'm banking on the way he crumbles in her presence and how he can't stick to his guns because of her. I need them to sit and have a GOOD, HONEST conversation and I'm really afraid of how possible that is with the pace we're going at ;A; Like afkjalfkjaklfjkaf lemme lmao try to organize my thoughts.

Basically Nol lives with this fear that HE is a terrible mistake, a terrible monster, that he caused his mom's death and is responsible for all the bad things that exist as a result of his existence and caring for anything. Like, I am 300% sure that this mindset was drilled into him when he was institutionalized, that they basically took this child and brainwashed him into believing that his entire existence is a mistake because things would be so much better if he didn't exist.

He lost his mom. His father doesn't seem to love him. He's all alone. He probably said some awful things to his mom, before losing her, so it was easy to convince him that she died because of him, that he's like this poisonous gas that destroys everything it touches. But here's the thing. This is all he knows! He knows Yui is terrible - to him! He knows Rand is cruel - to him! He feels like he's a burden, a mistake. When Nana tells him how worried Rand was, Nol can't believe it, figures it must be because it's yet another mess for him to clean up, or because of his precious heir.

Nol may know that Yui played Alyssa like a puppet, but he very much thinks Alyssa's current situation is the course of her own choices, that she must've wanted to be famous, to impress Yui so much. He doesn't realize that she very much is trapped in this career.

He doesn't know that Yui has manipulated Kousuke for the entirety of his life, that she's drugged even her own son! He thinks everything she does is for his benefit, because she loves him, because she hates Nol the terrible bastard child born to her husband's mistress.

When he sees Shinae at the formal, clearly against her will, Nol believes it's because of him. I think that was the moment he remembered what happens when he cares about people, why his relationships were supposed to be fake, why it was supposed to be about him helping others and not himself. The moment he started to care about people and seek relationships for himself, he put them in danger.

Compare this to how he talks about Alyssa, how he never mentions her as one of the people he cares about, how he even brushes off the idea of her visiting him in prison. He doesn't feel responsible for her in the same way he does for Shinae being there.

It's not even that it's about Yui, exactly, but that it's about HIM, and that he cared about her, that because that friendship meant something, because she means something, he put her in danger.

Except, we know better. We've seen this story from an objective standpoint that Nol doesn't possess. Consider this: Nol only knows that Shinae was at the formal against her will, that Yui gave her a job at the company behind Kousuke's back. He doesn't know about Kousuke's birthday.

I need Shinae and Nol to talk because Nol's fears are VALID and I think we can see that Dieter can tell Nol's fears are not unfounded, even though he doesn't know what it is he fears. He just knows that he must, that bad things happen. But, right! Bad things have already happened! And they're going to keep happening! Nol is terrified because he only knows this small part of everything, and that this small point indicates it's because of him. But what happened at Kousuke's apartment wasn't about Nol. Even if Nol feigned losing interest in Shinae it wouldn't matter, because Yui is already invested. At this point it is no longer about Kousuke OR Nol. It's her OWN interest.

Shinae needs to be up front with him - tell him that first off, it's her decision to make, not his, he can't keep choosing to push people away without including them. But more importantly, she needs to tell him about the birthday incident. Tell him what Rand told her, that she'll never be able to escape from Yui's clutches, that she's already invested. Tell him about the offer, that Rand is urging her take it and use it for her benefit.

Nol cannot see beyond his fear because it's all he knows, he has nothing to contradict it or prove otherwise. But I need him to listen to Shinae, because while she probably can't fully change his mind - it's so deeply ingrained in him at this point - I think she can at least show him that her danger doesn't change regardless of whether she's near him or not. That even if he left her now and never looked back, it wouldn't change the hold Yui has on her. The problem is, can logic even combat his inherent believe, this psychologically deep fear he has?

But still, I want her to. I want him to read those letters in the Bible before he goes to jail because frankly I CANNOT TAKE the idea of them parting without resolution, parting with her still feeling like she's being thrown away, him needing to sit in prison pathetically yearning for her to realize how badly he cannot fight this. I need him to crumble in front of her, to realize that he cannot actually deny himself, that he cannot turn away from her ;A; I need him to be HONEST with her! She's already heard him in the alley talking to Lil Buddy, she knows why he pulls away. I want him to straight up tell her how scared he his, so that she can counter him.

Wouldn't it be worse, to leave her in the dark? To leave her behind and pretend that everything will be okay? AUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH

IT'S JUST SO FRUSTRATING BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HIM BUT HE'S WRONG AND I DON'T KNOW HOW WILLING HE WILL BE TO LISTEN! I DON'T KNOW HOW WILLING HE'LL BE TO ACCEPT THAT SHE'S BETTER OFF WITH HIM THAN WITHOUT.

Like.... at this point I'm really banking on Shinae's pure determination and maybe like... having to actually convince him because I know if she so much as initiates a kiss, he is going to CRUMBLE his brain is going to shut off he is SO touch starved and full of want and SO in love with her that the moment she initiates anything his resolve will melt away and it's OVER IT'S OVER.

But also I need him to read the letters from Nessa and see how badly Nessa wanted to protect Rand, and how he didn't let her. And how it ended up. Because Rand did what Nol is trying to do and it still didn't protect Nessa. Shinae doesn't deserve any of it - not what Yui would put her through but also not what Nol is putting her through. The Yui aspect can't be stopped, but he CAN stop the other so ALKJFALKFLAJFKAFJK ALKFJKLAFKFAJF FRAFLJ GRRRRRRRRR LAKJFKJFJKRJKRJ LIKE /SCREAMS/

I hope he reads the letters and realizes that it isn't something that will just pass. It wasn't for Rand. Even after he lost her, years later he still carried that Bible filled with her letters with her love with her desire to protect him, with the photo of their son. Rand never moved on. Even though he pushed her away and tried to be the responsible man, he never moved on.

Be for fucking real, Nol. You think you can do that? You know you can't do that. Rand never moved on, Nessa never moved on. Does he think Shinae could?

I want her to go in guns blazing. I want her to go in mad, I want them to argue because at least when they argue they're a little bit more honest, they say the things they might not if they were calmer and thought about their responses. I want her jealousy and insecurity to come out when Nol tries to shield himself with "I have a girlfriend" and I want her to remind him he said it was fake and he resents her. I wan her to look him in the eye and ask if he can really throw it all away, if he wouldn't have any regrets if he gave up and left her. I want him to fail to answer and instead tell her that maybe he can, who knows, maybe none of this is really real. And I want her to kiss him and prove to him how very real it is, how very much they both want it, and how very much they need each other.

They can have a heart to heart afterwards ;A; She can tell him about the Kousuke birthday party nightmare fiasco, remind him how Yui manipulated her and took advantage of her desperation, tell her what Rand said, that Yui will never let her go, tell him about Yui's offer. I want her to hold his stupid face and tell him that the only thing denying his feelings and pushing her away can do is hurt her more because regardless, she's trapped. She can't get out of her contract, she still has to face them! I want him to see that even if he can't get around his own paralyzing fear that that doesn't have to be the only option. He can leave. He can disappear. He can go away - as long as he doesn't sever that tie, as long as she still has contact. ;~;

Cos look.... I don't think we, or Shinae, could handle Nol leaving without resolving things. Even if it was a "he leaves and in prison he realizes he was a fool he can't do this he can't leave her like that", can she really handle him doing this? He had his opportunity to leave - twice. He could have left for jail and never stepped foot in her presence ever again, but he still went to her. And after they talked she told him he could leave, that she wanted closure. But he stayed.

He stayed and they talked and they shared moments and she told him all about her most painful straw, about why being thrown away by him hurts so much. He stayed and he almost died and she almost lost him and while the city was asleep they found comfort in their least favorite place together. While everyone slept they flirted and finger danced and danced and he hurt her again and how can he leave after that how can he push her away. He told her that what they did wasn't "just friends" that it was something more and all but told her to come back when she'd figured it out and she has and if he tries to push her away when she finally comes back I will KICK HIS ASS. Because if he does that how can she ever accept him back after? ;A; How can he shatter her heart over and over again and ever come back into her life? ;_________________;

So PLEASE I hope she can convince him, if only by refusing to let go, by convincing him of why he's making a mistake.

;A;

SCREAMS

[trashlie]

hey this is lil anon again :3 listen we're all so feral about the latest fp episode can i just talk about it some more please and dump my thoughts here bc oh my god so many thoughts 🙏🏾 you can leave my other, longer ask in your inbox for now if you want to it's totally fine bc sdhfgdhfjksdhfk FERAL

PLEASE it is actually soooo funny how maya asks such a simple question: "why is he your friend?" - and shinae just explodes and goes off at the him in her head HISS GROWL I WANT YOU AND IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU THEN YOU'RE NOT GONNA HAVE ANYTHING OF MINE and maya just stares at her in shock and disbelief like: 😶😶😶. and you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. how can she possibly put nol and what he means to her and what she feels for him into words??? something something if i loved you less i might be able to talk about it more. shinae is so intense and bold and fiery I LOVE THAT SOOOOOO MUCH and tbh compared to shinae, nol is handling his feelings like a champ actually 😹 like at least the tiger hasn't bitten anyone (yet) LMAOOOOOOO he's been holding back a lot, trying his best to stay composed, mortified by his desire to kiss her because how dare he even *think* about that. it's the same intensity, the same feelings at the same time but he's very in his head, meanwhile shinae - the feral little cat - is just completely unhinged and off the rails. it's incredible. poor girl, all these new feelings and realizations hitting her all at once and she's understandably SO ANGRY that she can NOT control it and go back to normal, that he's making her such a mess, passed out on the bed bc it was all too much for her to handle.

you know, before 235 i thought their meeting would be… on the soft/sweet/wholesome(?) side bc of the new shyness and nervousness and vulnerability that comes with these realizations, maybe a through the door conversation without directly facing each other (like i mentioned in my longer ask), but we've kinda had that with the balcony "you're special to me" scene, right. so idk maybe shinae will just storm in there a fiery raging whirlwind of emotions and be all like how DARE you steal my heart and then try to get rid of me and run away, you asshole. IF YOU WON'T GIVE ME BACK MY HEART, THEN I NEED YOU TO BE MINE!!!!! it sounds so dramatic but seeing what all this is doing to shinae, how it brings out the fiery bold possessive assertive side in her, who knows??? she's for sure not letting go without leaving her claw marks on him. as she should.

and YES YES it's def both jealousy and insecurity. i didn't expect it to come up as part of her realization simply bc it wasn't on my mind tbh, but it works so well as part of the ✨realization process✨!! if just platonic then you don't get jealous and insecure, then it (typically) doesn't matter if/who they're dating. but if you can't stomach them being with anyone else but you, if you want them all to yourself, then sorry but that is NOT "friends". and there's definitely a comment here to be made about how alyssa isn't just some random hot girl, she's an idol and as such she embodies what's conventionally attractive and desirable, smth smth beauty standards patriarchy society. and she leaves nol cold but shinae still can't help but become hyperaware of it all bc everything you said ;; i can't get over the "timing" of this scene either bc we see shinae crying happy tears and for a moment she's forgotten her drama but then BAM suddenly there's gorgeous glamorous idol alyssa dancing on stage, and nol is there, looking at her, and they're both at this elite event in this world that shinae is simply not a part of. and. smth smth alyssa being a good dancer nol being a good dancer meanwhile shinae has two left feet. it's like the universe is laughing at her, telling her "she is all that and you aren't, she can have him and you don't". and as if it's not enough, of course it's the girl who gave her all this trauma. of course. how can it not sting her how can she not become insecure honestly ;; i too would immediately lose my appetite :<

(there's also the juxtaposition of shinae being surrounded by unconditional love, a supportive family, in a peaceful home where she can be raw and messy, fully accepted as she is, bags under her eyes and snot on her face and all; meanwhile alyssa is all glammed up, on the tv screen, putting on a performance for strangers that will only ever love her conditionally, that will never know the real her, is in a group that doesn't like her, is in an unsafe environment, surrounded by people who prey on girls like her, no one by her side 😔💔) i also wonder a little bit if not nol himself could (unintentionally of course) play into shinae's insecurity… especially in this initial stage bc like. he's a conventionally attractive dude; tall, handsome, nice smile, he's charming, he's got a rich dad too. shinae isn't stupid she's very aware of this. she's noticed how women reacted to him at the formal. one of them even commented that "he's way out of her league" or smth like that when she saw them together (which :/// shallow rich people talk 🙄)… and when it's friendship then you don't care, and she didn't care back then, and rationally she knows nol is not shallow like that, that she really shouldn't worry about such things, but when you're so young, inexperienced, have low self-esteem, are in such an emotional state, then suddenly you start questioning yourself on this shallow level. why would someone with his looks and money be interested in me, when he could have (and does have) an "alyssa-level" girl? sure he might like me as a friend but would he ever want me like that? it's like when you're crushing on the hot guy you've been friendly with and suddenly become all too aware of the hot girl that all the boys (and girls) have their eyes on. you just can't help but be aware that you're simply not her :/ yeah i think. she's going to need affirmation and reassurance re: what alyssa is/was to him, but i think more importantly, she'd need it about herself, what he likes about her, how he feels about her, that he doesn't want anyone else, that she *is* beautiful in her own way even if she doesn't see it herself, and then she'll hopefully grow more confident from it ~

-feral lil anon 😼

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'm so sorry it took me all day to get to this response! I could NOT pull my brain together and kept getting distracted and having more feral breakdowns about Stalkyoo alfkajkfjkafjkafjka lmao and then I had to cry about my babies performing tonight and I have been through EMOTIONS but also ALSO I LOVE THIS MESSAGE SO MUCH I'm gonna do my best to do it justice because you ABSOLUTELY bring up things I also want to yell more about!!!!

There's something SO funny to me about how much Nol and Shinae mirror each other. That we now can tell they started to fall for each other at the same time and it just kept growing, that it's on the SAME DAY that they're becoming aware of these feelings, in much the same way - yknow, being so embarrassed to have FEELINGS lmao. But YES Nol does a much better job containing it at all. I want to say it's probably because he's so used to hiding everything, holding things in, but we also know he came so very close to just biting Shinae before he kicked her out lmao and it's not like Shinae hasn't also been decent at pretending things aren't wrong, but MAN she's so beyond her breaking point at this stage, isn't she lmaooooooo She CAN'T contain it - it's too big, too loud, too messy, so carnal. She's been trying for so long to keep shoving it into this box it doesn't fit and it just keeps growing bigger and bigger and spilling out. Something so funny to me about her is that Shinae.... like she kinda externalizes a lot and I'm trying to figure out how to explain this because clearly she isn't good at telling people about her problems, but as a result of being alone so much she talks through her thoughts out loud, to Lil Buddy, so of course for this she NEEDED to externalize to Maya. Because yes, it's so messy, it's spilling out everywhere and the more she tries to make sense of it the bigger a mess she makes and Maya really DID have to put it in words for her. I know I said I wanted Shinae to come to the conclusion without anyone else saying it but I still love how this played out because she still said, OF HER OWN FREE WILL, "If I can't have you" LIKE GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But also we know that Shinae just has an EFFECT on Nol and while he's doing a good job keeping things at bay, all things considered, I think the moment she goes back to his hospital room it's all gonna just be.... *sweeps papers off the desk* lmao

Another tangential thought I've had is that neither of them have really gotten to BE teenagers. Nol is forever having to play a game of making sure he doesn't make too many waves, doesn't get noticed. Likewise, Shinae has had to be the good girl while her dad is always busy working, not get into trouble, take care of herself, get good grades. Maya goes on to remind us, too, that Shinae didn't even HAVE any social experiences beyond what happened in middle school, just. Rolls with things stopped making friends. There's so many teenager moody things that they've largely missed out on and we're seeing so much of that come bubbling out. Yes, Shinae's moodiness is mostly because girl is CRANKY she hasn't slept she hasn't eaten and she's scaling the walls trying to figure out why she thinks her friend is pushing her away (he's not) and what she has to do to make him stay (figure out feelings) and she's just SO frustrated it all spills out. Relatable. I, too, become an awful monster when I haven't slept LMAO but it's just SO nice to see them have this moment? Get to be selfish and moody and a little bratty when they have spent so long trying to just be good and get by. Let them have a tantrum or three, it's fine!

Also LITERALLY SAME. I thought Shinae would realize her feelings, maybe balk at them, hide away for a day, try to deny them, then become determined and go back to him but too shy to look him in the eyes to face him, yes maybe talk through the door so this was SUCH a surprise but YEAH YOU ARE RIGHT! They already had that tender shy little moment. Now they can just be. Feral lmaooooooo listen idc how corny it is I'm exploring EVERY possibility I can, writing half-baked fic moments in my head. I want Shinae to wake up and go in guns BLAZING I want her to say dumb things she doesn't stop to think about FINE IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY OF MY THINGS what are you talking about I SAID YOU'RE A THIEF AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE GOING TO PRISON GIVE ME BACK MY THINGS something something there's one thing he can't give back something something you're a thief, too alkfjkfjFKAFKJAKJF SCREAMS I need Nol to just say something SO blunt that makes her stop in her tracks aljakfjkafjafjk lmao I need her confessing in every which way but the words again, until he's standing too close SCREAMS

idk idk idk however it goes I know I'm going to love it because they just are going at it with such equal energy and I'm PRETTY SURE Dieter is going to talk to Nol while Shinae sleeps so maybe that will give Nol the conviction to say what he couldn't, now that Shinae has figured out the answer to "why isn't because friends" enough. Actually, more than anything, I want Nol to end up in the kind of position where he blurts something out without thinking or he acts on his feelings just BLINDLY because I just need him to see that he can't keep running from things and pretending and that Shinae is someone he cannot resist so make the right choices, boy. I need him to understand how much he wants her and deserves to ACT ON THAT ALFJKAFLJAFAJFLKJAFJF RRRRRRRRR FRRTFTT GROWL HISSSSSSSSS

but alfjakfjkfajfka THE INSECURITIES GET TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE because YES at the end of the day it's not just anyone. It's ALYSSA. The very person who gave Shinae her trauma, the person who GAVE HER HER ACTUAL SCAR. It's not the first time Shinae has envied something of Alyssa, either - Alyssa with her warm, beautiful mom and her big home and all her opportunities and her family so suffocating by being parents, Alyssa with her many talents with her intelligence. I really REALLY like the point, too, that it's not just Nol looking at Nol, it's Nol at that party in a world that Shinae is not a part of, doesn't belong to. Logic doesn't stand much against insecurity and jealousy or else she'd be able to remind her that Nol doesn't much like the world he technically belongs to, that Alyssa doesn't make him happy. Somewhere in her jealousy she sees the way she measures to Alyssa in these shallow ways and it hurts to come up short like that! AND RIGHT the girls at the gala saying Nol is out of her league! Shinae is like... aware that Nol is handsome (she literally said VERY handsome) but most of the time it doesn't seem to be a thing she thinks about - mostly because she hasn't really openly thought about him in a romantic way. But now that she's got these feral feelings about trying to keep him and have him and know him and see all the parts of him that he hides from her, she's facing the reality of how she looks to others, compared to him, compared to Alyssa. Sangchul has even implied it a couple times - Nol has a hot idol girlfriend so what is it about Shinae that's so special why is he hung up on her, what does she do that can possibly be better than a hot idol girlfriend.

And if there's something I love it, it's the tender unfurling petals of first love and the insecurity and jealousy that blooms with it, that ache that you aren't good enough that you can't possibly compare, because it leads to the REASSURANCES. Nol has SO many reasons to prefer Shinae, so many reasons to have fallen for her. I REALLY feel like we'll have a callback to that day Shinae asked Nol why Dieter might like to date her, when he told her he has a couple reasons in mind. Like... self consciousness and feeling inadequate is an awful feeling but I LOVE how it can be used in text, because also right: IF PLATONIC WHY FEEL LIKE THIS? Jealousy can be a useful device when it's not toxic and in this case it's someone like Shinae who has never really been made to feel like she's special, who has never seen anything in herself, realizing that she has fallen SO HARD for her friend who has a bombshell girlfriend and is super handsome and himself and comes from this elite world of affluent people. But there's also so much Shinae doesn't know about him yet, either, so much she hasn't had a chance to digest about him. She's seeing things at face value but I need him to tell her to her face that she makes him feel a kind of peace that NOTHING else does, that he cannot help but gravitate to her, that she's LITERALLY made his life worth living. Remind her that even though he was trying to avoid her, he failed SO miserably. Nol didn't get to tell Shinae at the party what he likes about her and DAMNIT I WANT TO HEAR IT!!!!!!!!! Especially because we've seen Shinae's POV of him at this poignant moments, I want to hear from Nol's mouth what he likes about her, the way he sees her. Like her, does he feel like clouds part when she's near, does she make all of the noise quiet for the moment? Does he find himself wanting her to notice more, wanting to steal more of those private moments where they open to each other?

I WANT TO HEAR IT SO BADLYYYYYYYYYYY and I want her to know that she doesn't have to compare herself to Alyssa, that there's no one in that world who has ever caught his attention the way she has. That no amount of money could make anyone from that society better than her. That it's not about any of that - it's about what she makes him feel. Just as much as Nol has had such an impact on Shinae, we've seen it in Nol. I agree that it's far too soon for her to know that he's literally still alive because of her lmao (that's just so much it's so overwhelming!!!!) but there are other ways she's impacted his life. When he told her he really hoped she'd get the job working with them, I think he meant it. Life was more interesting with her in it, he wanted to be around her more before Yui reminded him of what she does.

Like idk to me that insecurity is such a quintessential aspect of puberty and teenage years and first love. That rush of trying to see how others perceive you and the reassurance that comes from the person you like? GOD. And especially for people like Nol and Shinae, who have felt so invisible, so underappreciated, who have never really been made to feel special, having this with each other just LKFJAJKFJAFKAFKAFJLJAFLKJFKf

Also don't think I haven't forgotten about Yujing complimenting Shinae, or that moment when Nol made her laugh during her dance with Kousuke. How he was literally right in her face doing her make up and how it just augmented how pretty she already is. While I don't think he probably has that conscious thinking of it - gee golly Shinae sure is pretty because you know.... *gestures vaguely at his life* i SO BADLY want him to tell her that ;A; that she's beautiful ;A; like to be fair I think something about Stalkyoo that is SO well done is that it's all so deeply based on connection and the way those feelings developed as a result, as opposed to attraction first, but especially in the light of Shinae feeling so jealous and insecure, I want him to saaaaayyyyyyyy iiiiiiiiiiiiit. I want him to tell her how pretty she is when she laughs and lights up, what a beautiful smile she has and that he wants to be the one who makes her smile more I WANT THE CHEESY FUCKING SHIT DAMNIT I DON'T CARE I'M NOT GONNA PRETEND OTHERWISE ALKJAKFJKAFKJAFJKAFAFKJLKJAF SCALES THE WALL SCURRIES ACROSS MY CEILING AND STARTS CHEWING THROUGH MY CEILING FAN

I want him to reassure that there is not ONE way she pales against someone like Alyssa, that she is worth so much more to him ;A; howls

I WANT HIM TO TOUC HER FACE WITH HIS BIG STUPID HANDS AND BRUSH HIS THUMB ACROSS HER CHEEK AGAIN AND CONFESS THAT HE IS SO MISERABLY INCAPABLE OF RESISTING HER AND THAT NO ONE ELSE COULD POSSIBLY COMPARE BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE HAS EVER MADE HIM FEEL SO SEEN, FEEL LIKE HE MATTERS, NO ONE ELSE HAS EVER MADE HIM WANT TO BREAK HIS OWN RULES

JUST SCREAMING INTO THE NIGHT

also ;A;

(there's also the juxtaposition of shinae being surrounded by unconditional love, a supportive family, in a peaceful home where she can be raw and messy, fully accepted as she is, bags under her eyes and snot on her face and all; meanwhile alyssa is all glammed up, on the tv screen, putting on a performance for strangers that will only ever love her conditionally, that will never know the real her, is in a group that doesn't like her, is in an unsafe environment, surrounded by people who prey on girls like her, no one by her side 😔💔)

tHAT SHIT HURTED THAT SHIT HURTED ;____________;

Alyssa my tragic, messy girl ;A; I can't help but love the tragedy of her, I can't help but be so invested. The way Shinae and Alyssa have been foiled against each other and how I know we will continue to see this. There's something about... yknow like Alyssa doesn't have FEELINGS for Nol, but I think Nol going from Alyssa to Shinae is SO poignant in a painful way. Alyssa's former crush!!!!! I think in much the same way as we're going to see Nol become all the things Kousuke feared, we're going to see that in Alyssa and Shinae. Like... imagine being Alyssa and watching someone like Shinae capture Nol's attention, capture Yui's attention, capture Kousuke's attention. It's because she's so sincere and faces confrontation head on that people take notice of her, but that's something Alyssa has never really been able to learn. She puts on a brave face like Shinae told her, but she can't do the rest of it. She's so terrified of this secret she holds, of what she is and what people will think of her, and she continues to put on a persona to keep it at bay. Meanwhile I think we're going to watch Shinae walk a path Alyssa never could - find her own success by being authentic and true to herself, not having to live in that shell, that mask. Shinae will do everything Alyssa has never been able to do. ;_______;

And yeah, that juxtaposition makes Shinae's insecurity all the more intriguing to explore because she's so insecure about these shallow things, but Alyssa is insecure about the things that DO matter, the things that make Shinae special, and make Alyssa so forgettable.

;_____________________________________;

gonna go sob now HECK