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#i need more mutuals to talk about this fic STAT
kitnita · 5 months
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Talk Hockey To Me
(tag game)
tagged by @eliooliver83 @oetter & @txstars!! mwah thank you!!!
1. The thing that got you hooked on hockey
i am a lifelong member of the 'being insane about sports' club in that i still have a poster of my baseball team's 2005 roster hanging over my bed & used to get SO pissed in middle school when boys in my class had incorrect college basketball opinions. but hockey was just? never on my radar?? due to the south texas of it all. then i went to college for broadcast in new york state & made friends with some guys majoring in sports broadcast and was like wait ....... there's a sport they talk about that i can't talk about (i loved knowing more about sports than boys so this was a serious blow) (football doesnt count i decided when i was a kid that i didn't care about football therefore its not real) & a friend of mine with whom i watched the world series was like no i've got you i can get you into hockey. i realize now she just wanted an excuse to proselytize about the new york islanders.
but anyway yeah!! i stuck with being fond of them because of her & then added the stars because as a Texan i had to root for them & also tyler seguin hooked me. i was a casual fan until there were absolutely No Sports in 2020 & i accidentally stumbled upon hockeyblr just in time to get hyper mega insane about hockey before the bubble playoffs.
2. Your first ever fandom friend
like any normal well adjusted person i feel weird calling someone my friend even if we're friendly because what if they don't actually like me (again this is normal & well adjusted behavior) that said tanya txstars was the first hashtag mutual i had in starsblr whomst i feel like i talked to via the tags!!
3. The jersey you would most like to own
wait have i ever mentioned that i own a mooterus jersey. it was like eighty dollars off depop because its a) womens cut & b) a size small which means that while it does technically fit, my tits stop it from looking like, you know, a jersey should look on the human body. so i'd love one that i can wear without feeling ridiculous!! through logan stankoven all things are possible!!! i'm generally a jersey thrifter so i do love the $16 tyler jersey i found but im sure one day ill bite the bullet and buy a non-secondhand otter jersey.
4. YOUR player (you only get ONE so choose wisely)
unfortunately goalies are inherently endearing & then on top of that he's also insane in the most confounding way possible so jake oettinger is My Guy whether he likes it or not
5. A pairing that deserves more fic
as someone who has written just over half of the robotter fic out there in the world: please put more robotter fic out there in the world. also i think robo & otter both deserve to fuck otter's goalie partner. also also it's not technically a pairing but i think we as a people need to embrace delly's clear & evident love for throuples and start sticking him in other peoples relationships. it's what he would want <3
6. Your favourite on-ice moment
jason robertson laying flat on his back on the ice after finishing his first career hat trick lives in my head rent free btw. if you even care. it just plays on a fucking loop up there. also the the dellymiro delly's first goal celly. also also that time those flames fans tried to actually curse jake midgame. like on the one hand what the fuck but on the other hand i actually admire that kind of dedication yk
THEN
link someone else's art/fic/etc that you love & think everyone should check out
i'm still foaming at the mouth over @txstars's rule 63 robotter fic!! also i think it's clear what robo ship i've dedicated myself to but everyone in the roboroope trenches is soooo impressive to me. i see the vision. @winningmachine's stats guy robo fic is a foundational text. thank you @starscelly for also giffing insane random things during games. there's so many other fun people in starsblr specifically & hockeyblr generally but see above re: being normal and well adjusted so You Know Who You Are & also I Love Your Work
AND
link something you made & are proud of & want people to see
my magnum opus ............ the robotter primer. linking anything else feels weird BUT please enjoy my unhinged labor of love. i saw someone mentioned it to that gay hockey tournament blog but didnt want to link it?? please link it places. put how unhinged i was/am about them on blast.
tagging @coffeehound91 @moregraceful @hintzy!!! & also idk who has and hasn't been tagged so if you see this & would like to do it please do & feel free to tag me as the person who tagged you because i am a certified nosy bitch & love seeing other people talk about themselves <3
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jandjsalmon · 1 year
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2023 FFRC - February ❤️
HELLO everyone! I hope you had a wonderful February! It was a short month so there were slightly fewer stories to read and there was this ghost show that came out (you might have seen it flood your dash) that needed to be binged over and over again so we get a season two - but I still found moments to curl up with some favourite fics and I hope you did too! I was pretty focused on crossing off fic challenge tasks so I felt less enjoyment in my reading as usual. I hope this next month will be better.
Throughout February, I had a surprisingly large number of new followers (a substantial number of whom are not bots - shocking, right?!) and though I'm not sure how you all found me, I'm thrilled to have you here (and happy to see that you're real people and not bots).
As most of you know, I'm a regular participant (and low-key assistant) at the @fanfic-reading-challenge - additionally, for the last couple of years, I've been tracking all the fic I read and I've reported back here once a month with some stats and some recs, and a little bit of boring stuff about my life. (Or not boring - like traipsing after my daughter and her basketball team as they work their way to Provincials - their record is 22-4 so it's a possibility! Go Spartans!)
ANYWAY - I'm always looking for new fic recommendations, so if you have any stories you think I'll love, please drop me a line or send me a dm. Almost any pairing and any fandom. Shoot me a link!🖤
February 2023
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As I said above, I've been plugging along on the @fanfic-reading-challenge. This month I've cracked 3million words and completed 143/309 tasks which means I've completed the "Regular" mode of the challenge. I'm working on the "Hard" mode so I need to do some searching for fics with minorities. Do you have favourite stories with minorities in them? Most of my fandoms appear to be a little lacking in that department - or at least I never think about it (like Inej is a woc - but I forgot about that until right this second). Anyway - I need to branch out - so any suggestions would be great!
As for my recs for you! Let's look at what I did read this month that you might enjoy. Try these:
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Violent Delights by @ozmathegreatand (Wenvier - M 4/4)
Summary: Romeo and Juliet is far from her favorite Shakespeare play. (That honor goes to Titus Andronicus, of course.) But the crypt scene is achingly romantic, particularly the part where Juliet stabs herself. Few of the Bard’s heroines subject themselves to such violence in the name of passion. She wonders what practical effects the drama department has access to and imagines the torrent of blood she could rig.
Why you should read: Valentine's Day. Romeo and Juliet is being performed by the drama department and Romeo Xavier's costars keep meeting untimely ends. SUPER jealous (and hilarious) Wednesday. Mutual Pining. Shenanigans. This is Super Hilarious.
--*--
What Doesn't Kill Me Makes Me Want You More by sciencefantasy93 (Lucy/Lockwood - E 8/8)
Summary: It was all her fault. All her fault. He was losing his damn mind, and it was all because of her. One move, one second, one heartbeat, and his world crumbled apart like a warm cookie.
Or: Lockwood realizes he's attracted to Lucy, which sets in motion a chain reaction of events as he and Lucy try to take the next step without actually talking about their feelings.
Why you should read: The first steamy Locklyle fic that I've ever read and it did NOT disappoint. Very VERY in character - but also hot? Super good.
--*--
Chrissy and Eddie’s Infinite Mixtape by @little-scribblers-heart (Hellcheer - E 26/26)
Summary: Eddie was right when he told the Hellfire kids that there's no shame in running, which is why he takes a running leap to grab for the floating cheerleader in his living room.
OR: Chrissy lives and fixes what the Duffers broke.
Come for the canon-close Season 4 rewrite, stay for the explanatory chapter notes and the healing.
Why you should read: Epic in scale. Well researched and emotional without being sappy and trite. I should have known it would be amazing because it was a rec from my girl @feelavalanche - who has NEVER steered me wrong in over 10 years of fandom friendship. There is even a chapter named after David Bowie. See - you need to read this.
--*--
Hope is a Waking Dream by @writeradamanteve (Lucy/Lockwood - M 1/1)
Summary: Nightmares, dreams, it was all part of the agent package. Oh, and tea. Always tea.
Why you should read: FIRSTLY (and I shouldn't have to say this to long time followers) - It's adamanteve. You should read it because she wrote it - that should be good enough. Everything she writes is amazing. But then. SOFTNESS. The characterizations are THEM. Their mannerisms are real and their voices are beyond perfection. Comfort and lovely and wonderful. Read it!
ALSO - as I said last month, you should read and then subscribe to the_retro_witch's entire Sweet Nightmare series. It's a post-canon universe where after Crackstone's defeat, Wednesday and Xavier get together before they leave school and now it's grown into this amazing saga with mystery-solving soulmates and psychic and witchy amazingness. The other characters are developed and the plots are rich and fun. It updates pretty darn regularly and every word is a delight. Honestly. Read the series, you won't regret it. Let it be your first foray into Wenvier if you are on the fence. Don't be on the fence. Come ship with me! 🖤🖤
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(lastly- I'm a little bit in love with this gif of Xavier waving - and I've been purposely flooding my dashboard with Percy for reasons - so the wave might become a theme for my year).
Anyway -👋🏼 Hiya -I'm happy you're here! I hope you have a wonderful March and I'll see you back here in a few weeks! Happy reading! 🖤
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I was tagged by @allwaswell16​ and @jacaranda-bloom​ to share five fics of mine that I really like. Thank you!! I’m pretty decisive, but I agree with Dee, these picks could change depending on the day, mood, etc. But here are the ones I’m going with!
Darling, so it goes (195k)
Harry Styles is a world-famous actor at the height of his career but a personal low point when he meets His Serene Highness Prince Louis of Monaco by chance. He doesn’t think they’ll ever see each other again, but after striking up a correspondence, it turns out they have more in common than he thought. Then they start to fall for each other. Louis is different from anyone Harry has dated before and their relationship moves fast as Harry realizes he’s ready for a change. Soon Harry finds himself adapting to an entirely new life, in a country where he doesn’t know the rules, the customs, even the language. Harry is used to people underestimating him, and he’s more determined than ever to prove them wrong.
He just needs Louis to meet him halfway.
Grace Kelly AU.
Okay, so usually the last thing I wrote is the one I like the most, but this is probably going to be my all-time favorite. This is the fic I have always wanted to write, and I finally got to post after it lived in my mind and my heart for three years. It’s my epic, and I love it. I loved researching it and including all of the details that fascinate me (looking at you, chapter 8). I love the characters (especially Harry’s family), the relationships, the settings, the smut, the fashion. Everything, I just love it. This fic is me. 
this is my jam (4k)
Harry goes to a gay bathhouse for the first time. 90s AU.
If you’ve read the author’s note, you know this is based on a story that my friend told me. I wish that I had written it before he passed away, and I just hope wherever he is, he knows how much I love him and how much I miss him everyday. I really like the way I interpreted his experience in the fic; I had to figure out how to capture a specific moment in time and I’m happy with how it turned out. As much as I hated using the AU Historical tag, I came of age in the 90s and I loved writing something set then. 
like sun on the rise (8k)
“Sorry,” Nick says at last, a crooked grin replacing her usual friendly, but not too friendly, customer service smile. “It’s my second double this week, so I’m kind of out of it. What can I get you, pretty?”
“No, I know you,” the girl insists, her green eyes wide as she leans over the counter. “I have known you so many times, in so many different forms, in so many different lives.”
“Uh…” Nick blinks, speechless for maybe the first time in her life. The thing is, the girl looks totally sincere. Kind of awestruck really, her pretty pink lips parted slightly as she takes Nick in. Like she can’t believe her luck or something. It’s not Nick’s fault that she has no idea how to act; no one has ever looked at her like this before. “Okay?”
Harry isn’t like anyone Nick has ever met before. Maybe that’s why they work.
I LOVE THIS FIC. I think it’s a little niche (its stats are... not great), but I just really love it. I was inspired by a quote from Megan Fox about Machine Gun Kelly of all things, and I tried to do a vague five times structure with it. I talked about how I’ve tried to grow as a girl direction author on the @roseanddaggerpodcast​, and I think this fic really exemplifies that; this is not a gryles fic with just the pronouns switched, it’s really about wlw characters and I’m proud of it. 
i must admit i thought i’d like to make you mine (50k)
Louis fell apart when her ex broke up with her and moved across the country. Just as she’s starting to move on, Zayn comes back to town for their mutual friends’ wedding – with a new girlfriend as her plus one.
Blindsided and scrambling to save face, Louis lets herself get talked into a fake relationship with her new friend Harry. Their arrangement makes Louis feel pathetic and embarrassed, but it’s only going to last a few weeks. She just has to get through the wedding – what could happen?
I got writer’s block the first time I tried to write the Grace Kelly AU, so I decided to try and do a long, trope-y girl direction fic for Big Bang that year instead. I did not realize that fake relationship AUs are really hard to write! I finally had to create a spreadsheet to track the character’s emotions and motivations in each scene. But I ended up with a story that I really love, and I like that I contributed a longer fic to the girl direction fandom.
a bagel for all seasons (29k)
Niall is a lawyer from the big city who’s sent to a small town to get paperwork signed for his firm’s biggest client. He only expected to be there for one night, but the longer his stay lasts, the more he starts to fall in love with the town and its cast of quirky characters.
One in particular.
A Shiall Hallmark Christmas AU.
This fic was inspired by a photo of Niall and the tags that @fallinglikethis​ included when she reblogged it. A Hallmark Christmas Movie esque story just sprang into my mind, almost fully formed. I remember getting stressed out while writing, and spending a lot of time figuring out what legal questions the small town residents could ask Niall, but I reread this one lately and it’s just warm and cozy and FUN. I really liked casting all of the characters, and I think they all really shine (including the cats). 
I’ll tag friends for five fics: @crinkle-eyed-boo​ @wabadabadaba​ @louandhazaf​ @kingsofeverything​ @uhoh-but-yeah-alright​ 
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astrobei · 1 year
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The end of the year is near. Give a shout-out to your favorite mutuals and tag them to spread love before the year ends! (from: a secret anon)
ohhhh my god ok ok i wish i could tag every single person i am technically mutuals with because i adore every single one of you and your blogs so much !! unfortunately if i did that you’d probably be here scrolling through this post well into the new year, so. this is by no means an exhaustive list!!
@elekinetic ELLA !! you were one of the first blogs i ever followed on st tumblr when i joined and i immediately. IMMEDIATELY. fell so in love with your scripts and your writing! you so are so insanely talented and such a backbone of byler tumblr and i can’t believe we get all of ur content for free. for FREE!! and not only are u insanely talented but somehow u are also so funny and one of the sweetest people i’ve ever and ur taste in everything from music to books is so immaculate. will never get over u dming me just to scream at me ABOUT me which seriously makes my day every time it happens and i’ll never EVER get sick of talking to you! ella i love you so much and i’m so glad we started talking this year!! i hope 2022 has nothing but the best of the best in store for you <3
abby @strangeswift HELLO ! every time i see ur url in my notifs i visibly light up i stg you are so precious to me <3 ur love for not all the prayers is singlehandedly sustaining me, and i’m so touched that long car rides have unofficially been dedicated to reading my fics. you are such a breath of fresh air and getting an ask from you is always the highlight of my day. you make me laugh you make me smile like an idiot at the tumblr app on my phone you are just so!!! PRECIOUS 2 ME!! i love your blog so much and i can’t wait to bother u so much in the new year !!
sierra aka THE @finalgirlbyers aka THE byler blog of all time !! sierra there’s just something in ur posts that’s like straight crack i stg i just need more and more and more and more every time! in my mind u will always be sierra loveqbrl madcleradin finalgirlbyers ft that one period of 15 minutes where u had ur secret username that just so happened to coincide with me running my tumblr stats website thing and u being immortalized as that forever in my phone. because apparently i reblog from u more than anyone else which YEAH. AS I SHOULD. as everyone should!!! sierra u are so fucking funny and your urls are just one of those that are so comforting to see in my notifs. one day we will have an actual conversation because i am so bad at dms but i could try and make an exception for u <3 love u so much sierra love bbq i hope 2023 is so good to u !!
@toystoryfan HI TOY! u are so important to me i hope u know that omg u are so sweet and so uplifting and i can’t believe i wasn’t following u before but i love your blog so much ! u have such a comforting presence and i love reading through ur tags and every time i get an ask or a reply from you i get so excited! thank u for being such a positive shining force, with me and all of my mutuals too, it’s so so so appreciated <3 i adore you so much and i hope the new year has nothing but good things to offer u !!
@wibble-wobbegong hiiiii wibble ! i hope u know that every time i see ur blog i am just picking it up and holding it so carefully in my hands. i think i also followed u pretty early on into my tumblr adventures (or at least i saw ur url everywhere bc everyone i followed rb’d from u !) so in my head ur like. an og byler tumblr blog. u are so so sweet and i will never forget u referring to me (in the context of how intimidating i am) as “just some guy” because it’s SO TRUE!! i AM just some guy! anyways. just know that i adore you and your blog is so so incredibly precious to me ! love reading ur tags love reading ur posts u are so correct all the time and ur icon is. well. iconic. love u wibble i hope u get one million followers in 2023 bc u deserve it fr
last but certainly not least— irene aka THE @byeler hello !! i know we haven’t spoken one on one all that much and i’m terrible with responding to dms anyway but . ohhhh my god i have been a little obsessed with you ever since i got twitter sjdksjf in a very normal and sane way i promise ! irene you are so sweet and kind and supportive and so insanely down to earth for literally being THE beansie! i’m so in love with your writing and it’s no secret how much i yelled and screamed into the pillow when i read i’ll find myself in the moonlight 😭 had to sit down and just. Think. i just started heavy hopes and. god. GOD!! I LOVE IT SO MUCH. !!!!!! anyways i freak out a little every time i see ur name in the notifs but u are so lovely and approachable u make everyone feel so at ease and i treasure every interaction we have! thank u for ur mile long list of reddie fic recs, i’ve been making my way through them for the past week and ur taste in fics is just as incredible as ur writing <3 hope u have a wonderful new year irene i love u much !!
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gg-selvish · 1 year
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i can't even put into words how incredibly proud of janet i am. i remember when i used to comment on her earlier fics and she'd respond so excited that i was reading her work because she loved my work just more quietly and then we became mutuals on twitter and i watched her grow at a breakneck speed and we would talk about how many followers we were both getting and how close we were to beating/losing to each other in terms of twitter and ao3 stats because it was always so close and then she just. blew right past me and it was so amazing to watch. how everyone hypes up every fic she breathes a word about and all of her multichaps have thousands of kudos and people who talk about them like theyre best-selling novels and no matter what shes so so so so sweet and funny and kind and lovely to me. she's always here for me when i need her whether its for fic nonsense or irl venting and i am so unendingly appreciative for her friendship and have enjoyed watching her come into crazy success as one of the best writers in this fandom in the past year and half. easily the best multishipper in my point of view. janet is so cool. i really am her #1 fan and always will be. and she's my #1 fan too. i love my friends so much.
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dreadfutures · 2 years
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i know a lot of people have been sad about stats and engagement lately, and I’ve had one or two anons talking about my hits and popularity, whose messages I won’t publish cuz we don’t need that noise.
But I just want to say.
Statistics mean nothing about engagement, really. Seriously.
For even my most bombshell chapters in The Brave Guide, which has ~150 hits per update, I have about seven regular commenters.
DPDF, which finished early August, has gained about 8000 hits since it was marked Complete. The number of new comments I’ve gotten since then, I can count on one hand (and I deleted a bunch of nasty ones).
Other fics from writers friends have done way better with comments and kudos since they marked “complete”! And they write different genres than I do, even within the same fandom, and that might be it. Or it might be they have a different paring. Or maybe they post on days where the algorithms are better than on the days I post. Or maybe they are more meticulous with editing than I have been. Or maybe they as an AUTHOR just have a larger and more loyal following--who knows! Not I. And it gains me NOTHING to speculate. Nothing except jealousy, rivalry, and insecurity, and I don’t need any of that!
Statistics mean nothing about engagement, really. Seriously.
If you really need validation, you want to get it from other writers. You need to seek out opportunities for sharing & mutual validation. And you have to make sure you’re doing it mutually.
I adore my loyal commenters, and you know who you are (and I know who you are! I am so glad to connect with you on here, as well as on AO3). I am deeply grateful for whatever attention I have gotten with my stories, which I write for my own self expression. 
But.
I get more engagement with my friends, via the carefully and purposefully crafted writeblr events and Discord events, than I will probably ever get on AO3. And those are interactions from my friends. People who do not, on the whole, read my whole fic. And they never will. They read excerpts, and only select ones--either because my pairing isn’t their cup of tea, or because they don’t read E fics, or they don’t read long fics, or because of the content warnings/triggers they want to avoid. That’s all fine and valid! And we STILL find other ways to connect with each others’ works.
And I love that! I really do. I am deeply happy to have people enjoy my excerpts -- it makes me feel good about my writing style, it allows me to feel proud about a metaphor, or to share a laugh or a cry, or to get feedback about growth. I have very deliberately reframed my mindset about engagement to prioritize these more personal and meaningful interactions.
It can feel really hard to break into these servers and writing circles and stuff, and I get it, but it’s all in your head. It can feel like you’re on the Outside, but I promise, as long as you give attention & effort you will start to feel included. And I understand, too, that you only have so much of each of those as resources, in the form of spoons or whatnot. It’s a balancing game. There are some really, really lovely communities here for engaging with other content creators, creator to creator, where we can hype each other up and meet each others’ needs for validation. But it has to be mutual, and if you don’t engage in those specific arenas, people won’t engage back.
But to place it on the consumer, especially the random one--it’s going to make you unhappy.
Nothing about engagement is a transaction. Unfortunately, or fortunately, as the case may be.
Before I started writing for dragon age, last year, I didn’t understand kudos, or bookmarks, or subscribing. I would scroll through fandoms, sorting by pairing and then by rating and then by kudos or hits or sometimes comments, and I’d start reading -- usually on my phone. And I wouldn’t leave a kudos. I wouldn’t comment. I adored a lot of the fics I read, and I just...didn’t give them the engagement they deserved. Why? I just absolutely did not think to. I absolutely did not realize I should, or the ways in which I could, because leaving a comment is hard and daunting! (the few instances I did were when I saw an author’s note at the end reminding me to do so!)
And different fandoms have different engagements. My zelda fics are still some of my most popular, and I felt like they had more regular readers & interactions than DA. And the engagement in DA has changed even over the course of the pandemic.
Also, I can’t control my stats, and I can’t control my engagement. What I can control is how often I interact with other writers, in arenas where we are all meeting in order to engage with each other as writers, and as fans, and to be fans of each others’ works.
I hope this addresses some of the feelings in my inbox this week.
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phoebe-delia · 3 years
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Phoebes did you notice that most of the song prompts are odd numbers? I just think it's kind of neat! But for some lovely chaos in the stats, let us please have song no. 10? Also your doing this is a wonderful gift to the world and I adore you so so so so much
@rockingrobin69, Robin, my darling, hello. First of all, I'd noticed that the first ten or so were mostly odd numbers, but after you pointed it out, I realized how many odd-numbered ones I'd done! How funny. Also, before I get to tell you what song you've selected, I want to say that you and your writing are the true gifts and the feeling is very much mutual, my love. I cannot thank you enough for your constant love, support, and friendship. I absolutely adore you. <3
Another funny thing, Robin, is that you've managed to now select two out of my top three all-time favorite songs by Taylor Swift. (song prompt 3 was, ironically, my 3rd favorite TS song: "it's time to go.") But here, you've requested song 10, which is my number 1 favorite Taylor song of all time: "All Too Well."
The trouble is, I've already written one fic to this before. But no matter! I will persevere. This is technically a sequel to the original fic, but you don't have to have read it to understand this one! It is highly likely when the 10-minute version of All Too Well comes out that I will write a fic to that, but since it's not out yet, here's this. CW: post-breakup, potion/substance addiction, bad coping mechanisms, potions overdose; but there's a hopeful/happy ending!
Paralytici Memorias means "paralyzed memories" in Latin, if Google Translate is to be believed. And finally, an enormous, gigantic thank you to my big sis @avenueofesc for making this coherent and much better.
It wasn't a substitute by any means. It would never replace what it was made to mimic. In some ways, it was hopelessly inadequate.
But it was all he had: just the potion and his memories. If Draco's mind insisted on torturing him by reliving the best moments of his life in sepia-toned images, at least this way he could delay the crushing reality a little while longer.
Paralytici Memorias was his greatest triumph and biggest mistake. At first, he blamed it on completing his due diligence; every good potioneer should know and test the effects of their potion.
But then one test turned into two. Before he knew it, Draco spent the better part of his days coming in and out of deep periods of sleep, reaching for the vial every time his eyes opened to the sight of his empty flat, his engagement band on the coffee table next to him.
He wondered what Astoria would say if she could see him now. If their current level of communication as soon-to-be-weds was any indication, their marriage contract was more of a business venture than a romantic one.
After all, as long as he had a pulse, sperm for insemination, and a sound enough mind to sign over half his vaults, he'd have done his duty as her future husband as far as she was concerned.
"You'll forget about me, I promise."
His own words—written on the parchment he'd sent off with his owl before he could stop himself—were burned into his memory. He still remembered the searing pain in his chest as he promised the love of his life that what they'd had could be forgotten. In breaking Harry's heart, and in shattering his own, his only consolation was knowing that Harry would be happy eventually; that Harry would move on and find someone with the freedom to love him the way he deserved, someone who could offer the intangible riches in which Draco had always been impoverished.
As he reached for the vial that afternoon, it was to remind himself of the priceless love he sold for the price of his heart.
The potion’s effect was hazier than a Pensieve, but this way he could see the memories from his own point of view; could relive it in his own skin. Still, his mind couldn't do justice to Harry's eyes, the bright sound of his laughter, the warmth of his skin.
They were in Harry's car, the name of which Draco had never bothered to learn, too terrified and fascinated by the contraption. He yelped when Harry took a hand off the wheel to grab Draco's shaking one in a reassuring squeeze.
"Hands on the wheel, Potter!"
"I've got it under control, love. You watched me put the protection spells on the car myself, and it would be perfectly safe even without them. I promise I won't let anything happen to you," Harry said without an ounce of condescension.
Draco exhaled shakily, "If you say so."
"I do. Now, why don't you tell me a little more about where we're going?"
"Have you forgotten already? Honestly, Potter, your memory is abysmal."
"I haven't forgotten. I just like hearing you talk."
Draco valiantly didn't blush. And while he described the beauty of the Cotswolds, he found himself mesmerized at the red and orange leaved trees that lined the road as they drove out of the city and into the peaceful countryside, with its steady beeping noise.
Wait…that wasn't right. Why was it beeping?
"Potter, there's something wrong with the car."
"Draco?"
He squeezed his eyes shut tight before he opened them, blinking as the unfamiliar room came into focus. He could feel his pulse pounding in his head as his mind raced in a heady mix of confusion and anxiety. What happened? Why wasn't he in his flat?
"You're in St. Mungos."
Draco's head nearly snapped as he turned to look at a pale-faced Harry sitting in the chair next to his bed. Near Harry stood an unfamiliar woman scribbling on a clipboard. She reached over onto a side table and handed Draco a paper cup. The water was cool, a relief for his parched, sandpaper throat.
"Mr. Malfoy, how do you feel?" She asked after he handed the cup back to her.
Draco closed his eyes to stop the room from spinning. "My head is killing me and I'm dizzy, but I'm okay. What happened?"
"Your fiancée found you unconscious in your flat. We completed a blood test and couldn't match the substance to anything we know—"
"I invented it," Draco grumbled. "Where is Astoria? Harry, what are you doing here?"
The healer pressed her lips together. "I'll leave you to gather yourself for a few minutes, but I'll be back soon to ask you more about that potion, and next steps from there, alright?"
Draco nodded. "Thank you, Healer...?"
She smiled. "I'm Healer Rostova. Press that pager if you need something, but otherwise, I'll be back in a little while." With that, she left the room, the door clicking softly behind her.
Draco turned to Harry, who regarded him with wide, worried eyes. "What happened? Why are you here?"
Harry bit his lip. "Astoria found you unconscious on your couch. She brought you here and then she, well...She called me."
"She—what?"
"She called me. She said you were in the hospital, and I didn't really think much beyond Apparating here."
"Why did she call you?"
"She said you were...talking in your sleep."
Draco blushed. "Oh."
"Yeah," Harry let out a humorless, breathy chuckle. "She figured it out, I think. She said to tell you that she's having her parents terminate the contract."
Draco closed his eyes, letting his head thud against the headboard and then instantly regretting it, gritting his teeth against the sharp pain. "Great. I bet Mother's furious."
"She'll come around."
"You don't know that. You don't know her."
"No, I don't, but hopefully she'll want you to do what makes you happy."
Draco clenched his jaw and looked away. "Happiness is easier to manage when it's artificial. I ran away from the only thing that ever brought me close to real happiness. I can't handle it."
"Then let's manage it together."
Draco closed his eyes, kept his head turned.
"Draco, look at me."
Slowly, Draco forced himself to look at Harry, opening his eyes to let the other man see the tears beginning to well.
Harry's expression was as pained, yet kind. "Do you have any idea how agonizing it has been to miss you?"
Draco's chest seized, sharp with regret. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I thought it was what's best for both of us, I—"
"Shhh," Harry leaned forward, rubbing a soothing hand over Draco's. "We'll make it okay. We'll figure this out together, alright?"
Draco kept his eyes open, let himself enjoy happiness in full color. "Okay. Together."
Send me an ask about Harry Potter, broadway/musicals, The West Wing, and/or Taylor Swift! Or just about life in general :).
Also, I have a playlist of my 99 most listened-to songs of the year so far. Pick a number 1--99 and send me an ask and I'll write you a fic based on it!
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mallowstep · 3 years
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Genetics ask! I know that male torties/torbies are very rare and caused by a genetic mutation, but with those who do exist, are there any prerequisites with their parents? I’m assuming they’d have to carry the red gene since tortoiseshell is one red, one not-red, but I barely know anything. And based on this, is it better to just headcanon cats like Redtail as biologically female?
alright! hello, anon.
since i had to do more research than usual for this one, reminder that:
i am not an expert. i can and will be wrong. you can find my self-corrections under #corrections, but those are only things i or others have noticed, and that i've had the time to write a correction to and explain.
disclaimers out of the way, let's talk about tortie toms. (and torbie toms, and calico toms, it's all the same deal.)
if you know how ginger works, you can skip the next few paragraphs.
orange (ginger, red, etc.) is sex-linked in cats. what this means is that the gene that causes orange cats is on the x chromosome. it is also codominant, which means that having an orange x chromosome (Xo) and a non-orange x chromosome (X) is not black or orange, but both.
basically:
X or XX: black
Xo or XoXo: orange
XXo: tortoiseshell
yeah?
now, for the rest of this post, i'm going to be writing O and o instead of Xo and X because it's one less character and i don't run the risk of putting three x chromosomes together.
okay. so because torties need two x chromosomes, they're typically female. the way tortie itself works is basically, cells activate one of the genes (O or o) at random, creating patches. so you need two copies.
wikipedia says about a third of male torties have klinefelter's, which is the XXY karyotype. while this does have physical changes associated with it, the only way to confirm (humans have) klinefelter's is to test it genetically.
luckily, cats are very helpful about demonstrating it. what with them being tortie and all.
(we're also lumping in the variations of klinefelter's here. you can get XXYY, etc., and they all fit into the same broad idea.)
anyway, the extra x chromosome can come from either the mother or the father. this makes tortie toms...not quite easier, since the prereqs are the same, but y'know. if mom is Oo, dad doesn't matter. if mom is OO, dad has to be o, and if mom is oo, dad has to be O. same rules as usual.
XXY toms are going to be...not sterile, but pretty infertile. using human stats, about 50% can produce sperm, although the likelihood of them having kits is still low. humans with klinefelter's are also taller than average, so keep that in mind.
again, and this might be a correction on my part, i can't remember, but tortie toms aren't strictly going to be visibly different than other toms.
okay, so most people stop at klinefelter's, but there are two other ways to get tortie toms: mosiacism and chimerism. these are often confused/combined, but because i strive for generally being accurate, i'll go over them both.
mosaic cats carry multiple genetic lines, because of a mutation. this can either be somatic (happens in the body, is not hereditary), or germline (happens in reproductive cells of parents, is hereditary).
this is not always a gain of a line, you can lose a chromosome as well. the difference between somatic and germline and how it affects torties goes over my head, so i'm not going to speak to it, other than i'm pretty sure we're talking about somatic mosaicism. i think. again, not a biologist or geneticist, just a hobbyist with an internet connection.
right, so what happens is basically, some cells lose their extra x chromosome, giving you a cat with karyotype XXY/XY. these cats are more likely to be fertile and generally have less effects of klinefelter's. i'm not entirely sure how this affects tortie presentation, if at all, but it does happen.
i suppose you could also have some kind of mutation that gives you an extra x spontaneously, but that would be unlikely to cause torties, because it would also have to mutate into the other O allele.
again, i really want to stress that while i'm not bullshitting, i'm also not speaking definitively here.
last up is chimerism, where two embryos fuse in the womb, creating mixed genes.
Tumblr media
i'm using a picture of a dog, here, because this is what goes through my head when i think of chimeras. you'll have to take my word for it, but while this would be a normal tortie cat, it can't really happen in dogs without some kind of mutation. and chimerism, given the extent of the patching, is pretty likely.
right! chimera torties are going to be, afaik, normal levels of fertile, although it's likely that they can pass on either black or red, not both.
(while i'm here, before we move on, there are a lot of types of chimeras. this type is called tetragametic chimerism, and it's rare in humans but more common in other animals. it's hard to know how common it is, because the differences are often very subtle, and hard to test. it's also not mutually exclusive with mosaics or klinefelter's, just to really muddy the waters.)
i don't have statistics for how common mosaics and chimeras are, and there's always, "a different type of mutation that doesn't fall into this category"
for mosaics and chimeras, the rules for inheritance seem to be the same as for klinefelter's. there's the added note that, because there can be multiple sires within one litter, a ginger queen could have kits with a ginger tom, and get a tortie son, as long as she also...ahem...with a black(/brown, etc.) tom. (or vice versa, with all brown and a ginger.)
okay! so that's basically how it happens.
as for the second part of this question, well. "is it better?" is a matter of opinion. i don't think anyone is wrong for having tortie toms. i don't care. (a) it is possible, and (b) we're all just having fun.
i, personally, do not think redtail is karyotype XX, because i like him being sandstorm's father with brindleface. idk. i like brindleface. yes, i know this raises huge genetic problems, and it's not very canon. i don't really care. i read that redtail fic where he thinks about sand&brindle as he's dying and it hasn't left me.
that said, i'm still a sucker for trans redtail. love it. idk, this is kind of hard to explain. like? it's not my headcanon, but i still appreciate it.
anyway! to the point: if you care about statistics and likelihoods and how many tortie toms you've had in the clan, yes, you're probably better off saving your chromosome anomalies for when they need to have kits, and using XX karyotype for the rest.
(under the cut: matthew rambles about trans cats and gender identity for a while)
i'm pretty sure cats don't have the western concept of gender. i don't think they have a human concept of gender, either, but at some point i need to be able to pin down something, and i think a third/fourth gender is closer to what they have.
i've been thinking about this a lot lately, because i decided i wasn't satisfied with my old approach to trans cats. i can do better than that. i decided cats don't have gendered pronouns, so why should the solution be, "trans cats don't really get to do anything about it"
no. i am dissatisfied with that.
at the same time, for specific reasons: i also don't think cats are trans in the western sense of the word.
because if for nothing else, remember that cat sexual dimorphism has a bigger effect on their life than in humans.
like, queens are going to be uncomfortable around male cats they don't hella trust and their kits. that doesn't go away if said male cat isn't a tom. y'know?
i'm in a constant state of tweaks with this, because i basically: form opinion, test opinion, refine opinion. my initial opinion was too harsh. and!
part of what's changed is i decided i wanted fernsong to be able to raise his kits in the nursery instead of ivypool. so i had to adjust how i think the nursery and queens work, slightly, to permit for that. now, i can turn back to gender and think about it some more.
i'm not going to coin any new terms, because i'm not in that kind of mood, but i think there is some idea of a female cat who is not a she-cat. i don't think the cats would call them a tom, but i'm not sure what they would say or how they would describe it.
i think they would just, on some level, get it.
actually okay you know what! i do need some lingo here. queens = cats who are raising kits in the nursery. she-cats = XX karyotype, considers self female (cis, if you will). toms = XY karyotype, considers self male (cis, again). and uh...we'll go with...
god i hate. i don't want anything i say in this ramble to be considered "words i am going to now use consistently" because i literally just need some way to describe this for my own sanity. with that in mind, let us use molly for XY karyotype, but not a tom, and...how about gib for XX karyotype, not a she-cat.
again, i don't want that to be considered permanent, i'm just fishing at words people use to describe cats so i can have something to work with.
right so, i don't think cats think gib and tom are equivalent, but i also don't think they (as a society) care about that.
like, okay, let's say redtail is XX, but not a she-cat. there's nothing to really be done (heck, if he wants to be a queen, that's still fine), cats don't have gendered pronouns or names, but at the same time, there's an intuitive understanding of what that means.
this kind of ties into the matriarchy, kind of? like, hm, queens are an important part of the matriarchy, but at the same time, she-cats inherit family lines. not that cats inherit much, but still.
i'm getting very abstract here. take, uh, like let's say a hypothetical trans mothwing. i think a lot of people have that headcanon?
and i think, like, mothwing would not be considered a tom. if cats had a concept of sexuality, leafpool would not be straight, because she likes mothwing, and mothwing is not a tom.
but! i would still think willowshine probably is the first line for nursery visits, at least when the kits are very young.
and i don't think anyone there would be unhappy with that deal.
right. i just kept rambling for a while, because i've been thinking about this and obviously it's semi-tied to the question.
tl/dr: cats don't care about gender, because they are cats meowing at each other in the woods. if a cat says they're not agab, everyone is just cool with that.
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drsteggy · 3 years
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Hey Stegg! I’m going around to some of my writer mutuals/favorite fic writers and asking about their favorite works! Just to spread a little fic writer hype :) Tell us about the best fic you’ve written and why it’s kickass! This could include anything, from developmental fun facts, to character stuff, to your writing process, to thematic-weaving coolness. Have at it! :D
I still think of myself as fairly new in this space, and while I try to write and post regularly, I definitely don’t have a big body of work just yet. I also don’t know if I’m a good judge of my own work. I did have a crappy relationship with my stats last summer, but I’ve mostly gotten over it and I really do try to write things that I want to write, so most of my stuff is pretty self indulgent.
Like. I did creative writing in high school, and undergrad, but it got set aside hard for a long time as I turned skills I had to written debates on blog posts and forums. I came to fic writing without much clue what to do-my studies were sciences and a lot of them, and whatever English classes I took were pretty much minimal. I did love to read, and I read a lot, but if you asked me how stories worked I really could not tell you very well. I still can’t. I recognize that I probably soaked up how I liked story arcs to go, and I knew when I felt cheated or baited and switched (looking at you, LOST and Game of Thrones) but I definitely feel like the dumb kid when I’m somewhere watching people talk about the nuts and bolts of things. So we are gonna go on about my favorite thing I’ve written, because it’s also almost all I’ve written.
So my favorite thing I’ve written is still Uneasy Lies the Chosen of Farore. When I started to really fixate on the Legend of Zelda, I first sought out fan art, and there’s so much gorgeous art. Art led to fic. I hadn’t read fanfic since the 90s when I was obsessing over The X Files.
I particularly liked how flexible canon seemed to be in the fandom. The story goes that the hero and the incarnation of Hylia reincarnate repeatedly, and not all of them got to be a game, right? That idea was so exciting. Surely, at some point, they were adults, maybe older adults, maybe characters I could relate to a bit better than teenagers. So I looked, and the best I could do was finding them in their early, maybe mid 20s. This was frustrating to me and I spent a lot of time wondering if I would be worthy, should I stumble upon a sword with a blue hilt and a strangely flipped cross guard and I decided that I was a lot more worthy than I would have been at sixteen or twenty-five and from there it was a pretty short journey to imagining what it would be like to take that hilt, and that’s pretty much the first chapter.
I’ve written about how the rest of the story came to be before, so I’ll try to not retread that ground. At the time this was going on, I was still sorting out a pretty turbulent and awful period of my own life, and while I was mostly on the other side, I was also still trying to fit it into the rest of my life and I dealt with a lot of it through that story. I half joke sometimes that this version of Link is very much a self insert. I feel like a lot of readers pick up on the parent stuff. But there’s other stuff too, because when I decided to turn my thousand word scene into an 88k fic, I decided to use the overall arc of the previous four or five years as a scaffold to hang stuff on.
I’m not gonna delve into personal stuff for me other than broad strokes. I think I generally made better choices in my life, for example, than Link does, but it did take a therapist to help me see why I made some choices the way I did. The Great Deku Tree and Impa both say things to Link that were said to me. Zelda does as well at some point. Each time that happens he does take a minute to think on it and changes a little bit, so that by the time he is at the end of the story, the guy he was at the beginning might not recognize him.
People often comment that they find this Link and Zelda very relatable and I’m glad they do. In the games, Link is supposed to be the slate your write your experience on as you go. He is supposed to just be an extension of the player, maybe more so in Breath of the Wild which was my intro to the franchise. I really love the journey he goes on from realizing he is a pretty hot mess, and how much his shit is not as together as he assumed, though he needed a big event to change things out of his control to see it, to where is much more emotionally grown up and has found a soft place to land with people he loves who love him back on equal footing.
I recognize my little AU seems a little weird at first, but I’ve enjoyed playing in it enough that I also ended up writing a series of side fics for it, and I still think about what might have happened before and after the sword, that I suspect there will probably be more. It’s definitely a work I’m really proud of, and it also helped bring me into a community of people I really like, too.
The art I commissioned for this fic is making rounds on Tumblr again today, for some reason. Someone reblogged it and a bunch of other people saw it for the first time. I like to think when someone reblog sit out of the blue it means than maybe they went and had a read, and I like having that thought. I’m glad I brought this thing into the world. 2020 sucked pretty hard but this fic probably would not exist if it hadn’t.
Thank you, @kittmoon for the ask. I really do like to talk about that fic.
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zmediaoutlet · 3 years
Text
my year of fic (2020)
I had a lapse in doing this, because the end of 2019 was just---a haze---but I thought it might be fun to try again on this, my first day off of 2021. Ignoring for a moment the armed sedition and the pandemic and the general feeling like the world’s about to spin upside down, I think it might be a good day. Let me try to feel some joy in writing, so that I might do some more writing this weekend. There’s a chance!
Per the AO3 stats tracker:
Total words written in 2020: 278,664 (Compared to 2019: 201,375 -- definite improvement!) That brings the overall AO3 published total to: 1,160,723. Jesus. I need another hobby, haha.
I’ll try to collect a year masterlist below, but let’s see what happened with stats first.
fic with most hits, which is not the same thing as best: no disguising truths i’ve sold -- y’all are fiends for the dadsex, just admit it. It always gives me a giggle how many hits these ones have with so few people actually interacting. :)
fic with most kudos, which I guess means people admitted they liked it: there will be better days -- which I guess isn’t a surprise, written when it was, but it’s still super gratifying to see that people enjoyed it. This one takes top spot for most of the other categories, too, so I’m going to go for the 2nd-placers on the next few...
fic with (2nd-)most comment threads, which I guess means people wanted to chat about it: In a Cursed Hour, which is a pleasant surprise! This is the very long gen (with sneaky pining!Dean), the first part of which was technically finished this year. I hope I come back to it at some point, because the story is... great, haha. Just super hard to write. Gratifying that people wanted to talk about it!
fic with (2nd-)most bookmarks, which I guess means people want to read it again: see things so much clearer -- aw, now that’s a nice surprise! This kinda felt like channeling old-school weecest, in some ways, so it’s cool that people seem to have enjoyed it.
fic with (2nd)-most subscriptions, which I guess means people are hoping for more: welcome to capitalism -- another nice surprise! I almost forgot about this one: a little ruthless, a little kind. Logical choices in a world that sucks, kind of my favorite genre, haha.
longest fic: what comes after certainty -- ow, ow. This is a---strange one---started in 2019 before the haze, published finally in a bit of ignominy, still not read by the recipient I’m pretty sure because it’s fucking depressing, haha. But I’m kinda proud of it, or at least proud of myself for finishing it, so I guess it’s good that I spent this many words on it.
least popular fic, if we’re going by kudos: transference -- lol, that makes sense -- Umbrella Academy momcest? That said tho, it’s kinda fun and you should read it. Diego’s just the biggest mommy’s boy. Ahem.
The best thing writing-wise about this year was stretching into stuff I wouldn’t normally write, thanks to the charity drives. Maybe I’ll try to do that again this year; I’m sure something horrific will happen that will need some monetary support.
In the meantime, here are all of the fics I wrote this year, in order that they were written. Probably Sam/Dean unless otherwise specified. Imagine retrospective montage music:
January
none. no surprise here.
February
the hollow summer - E. Boy King Sam, AU.
March
‘he has a kiss stuck in his mouth’ - M. Pining!Dean, Stanford era.
no disguising truths i’ve sold - E. John/Deanna, pre-series.
“I almost died” - T. Jared/Jensen, firefighter!Jared fluff.
‘sam waking dean up with his mouth’ - E, somnophilia, married!sex.
relay - E, D/s play.
April
extreme pollen warning - E, sex pollen, established relationship.
whatever we were before - E, Dragon Age AU, mage!Sam/warrior!Dean.
‘cokehead!Alex’ - T. Alex/JDM; part one.
pragmatics - E. Established wincest, past Dean/others. Prostitution.
May
teamwork (makes the dream work) - Alex/Jared/Jensen. cokehead!verse pt 2.
to dream of the next - E. First time, pining!Sam.
In a Cursed Hour: Protesting Fate Supreme - T. Men of Letters AU, ch.6.
June
FFFB 1 - M. Gabriel/Rowena, meeting through the years.
FFFB 2 - E. A/B/O, first time.
FFFB 3 - E. Jensen/Jeff, voyeur!Jared, Non-AU.
FFFB 4 - M. Cloud/Sephiroth, mindfuck.
FFFB 5 - M. Amos/Alex, pantykink.
FFFB 6 - E. Dubcon shading to noncon, pining!Dean.
FFFB 7 - M. Hannibal/Will, first kiss.
FFFB 8 - E. Post-Michael possession, piercings, body mods.
FFFB 9 - M. Tony Stark/Stephen Strange, AU.
FFFB 10 - M. Dean/Bobby, Stanford era.
FFFB 11 - E. Mommy!kink, bunker era.
FFFB 12 - M. Gen, Sam’s wall, mild self-harm.
FFFB 13 - M. Sam Wilson & Bucky Barnes, racial discussion.
FFFB 14 - M. s2, Sam’s cast.
FFFB 15 - E. Jared/Jensen, established relationship, CBT.
FFFB 16 - E. weecest, first time.
FFFB 17 - M. Sam/Dean/Jack.
FFFB 18 - M. Amnesia.
FFFB 19 - E. BDSM, sub!Dean, dildos.
FFFB 20 - E. A/B/O, demon!Dean, noncon.
FFFB 21 - T. Established relationship, Stanford discussion.
FFFB 22 - E. Dubcon, time travel, soulless!Sam/young!Dean, prostitution.
FFFB 23 - M. Implied Dean/John, jealous!Sam.
FFFB 24 - E. ‘The End’!verse, Lucifer!Sam/Dean, noncon.
FFFB 25 - E. Tentacles, body horror, oviposition.
FFFB 26 - E. Belly bulge!kink.
July
none. apparently I needed a break.
August
have a cigar - E. Sam’s powers, slight D/s.
welcome to capitalism - E. Jared/Jensen, prostitution.
September
the wealth gap - E. ‘capitalism’ pt 2; Jared/Jensen, prostitution.
what comes after certainty - M. Mutual pining, amnesia.
reunion theory - E. Cloud/Sephiroth, Cloud/Hojo. Body horror, torture, mpreg. Fic for fire relief 1.
the honeytrap - E. Jared/Jensen, mob!AU. FFFR 2.
scotch courage - M. Sam/Kevin, hair play. FFFR 3.
he will tear your city down - E. Damen/Laurent, slight D/s. FFFR 4.
cyrano - E. Jensen/Antony Starr, established J2. D/s, consensual infidelity. FFFR 5.
two runners on base - E. Dean/Deacon, established relationship, BDSM, DP. FFFR 6.
what’s to stop me, pretty baby - E. Noncon, MoC!Dean. FFFR 7.
the need to choose - E. A/B/O, pregnant!Dean. FFFR 8.
transference - E. Diego Hargreeves/Grace, mommy kink. FFFR 9.
vertex - E. John/Dean, Stanford era, pining!Dean. FFFR 10.
faith without works is dead - M. Sam’s powers, violence, dubcon. FFFR 11.
be subject to each other - E. Photography, facial. FFFR 12.
October
you know i’m gonna be like him - M. Past Dean/John, child abuse. FFFR 13.
unbalance - E. A/B/O, Jared/Jensen, prostitute!Jared. FFFR 14.
buccaneer - E. Crowley/Deanna, demon!Dean, always-a-girl!Dean. FFFR 15.
make much of time - E. Sam/Dean/Jack, virginity kink. FFFR 16.
see things so much clearer - E. Pre-series, first time, diaries. FFFR 17.
won’t let you let me down so easily - E. Sam/Brady, Sam/others, Stanford era, mind control, gangbang, noncon. FFFR 18.
the beams of our house are cedar - E. Bunker era, panties, feminization. FFFR 19.
November
negotiation tactics - E. Homelander/Soldier Boy, D/s, superpower sex.
finale coda - M. Heaven.
15.19 coda - T. Jack as god.
there will be better days - E. Heaven, first time.
December
a leaden anchor - E. Post-Playthings.
That’s it. I haven’t had a single writing thought in my head since that last one. Here’s hoping it comes back in 2021!
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A - Z 🤍🤍
I’m assuming this means all the asks! So buckle up LOL. And thank you for taking an interest in lil ole me. 
A: How did you come up with the title to [insert fic]?
Since you didn’t specify which title, I’m just going to talk about how I come up with titles in general. Normally, they happen one of two ways. Either I will come up with a title I think sounds cool out of the blue and then base a fic of its vibes, or I will write a fic to completion before deciding on a title. I like to use something that one of the characters say in this situation. It feels very full circle to me, if you will. 
B: Any of your stories inspired by personal experience?
Unfortunately, my life is nowhere near as cool as the characters’ lives I write about. So no, I can’t say that my stories are based off personal experience. Unless you count me naming side characters my middle name every so often to indulge myself oops. 
C: What member do you identify with most?
I guess by member it means character? And to be honest, I’m not really sure. I relate a lot to Spencer Reid I suppose, because I have never been popular and have always been a target for whatever shit life throws at me. I also like to think I’m kinda intelligent? Although if you look at my grade in my stats class right now, idk what to tell you-
D: Is there a song or a playlist to associate with [insert fic]?
Since there was no specific fic asked about, I can’t really answer this one! But to be honest, I don’t think there are any fics that I have written that I associated with songs. 
E: If you wrote a sequel to [insert fic], what would it be about?
The first one that came to mind is Guest Speaker. If I wrote a part three for that, it would probably be fluffy domestic cute stuff with Spencer. 
F: Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.
“I don’t even know what it was…it happened so fast. Did you kill it, Geralt?” Jaskier asked in a huff. Geralt crossed his arms, and shook his head. “I figured I should make sure you didn’t die first, bard.” Jaskier nodded, a simple “Ah,” leaving his lips. “Well, no matter. You can fix me right?” 
He sounded like he was poking fun at the situation, but I could hear the fear in his words. I decided to try and make him smile before I did this next part. It would be painful.
“Anything for Geralt of Rivia and his emotional support bard.”
(This was just really funny to me for some reason, and I feel like I did a good job with their characterizations! And then Y/N comes back with the emotional support bard comment and it’s something I would say in real life. From this fic.)
G: Do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order?
It depends on my mood! Sometimes if I’m frustrated with a story or a scene, I’ll write them out of order based on what type of thing I feel like writing. But I would say 75% of the time I write my fics in order.
H: How would you describe your style?
To be honest, I have no idea. Do I even have a style? I just write stuff and hope that people read it and like it. 
I: Do you have a guilty pleasure in fic (reading or writing)?
Happy endings pfft. So cliche, but like- they make me happy. Unless I am feeling particularly angsty that day and want to make an ending a complete train wreck >:) 
J: Write or describe an alternative ending to [insert fic].
In this fic...I would let reader live LMAO. But like- I was feeling angsty that day okay-
K: What’s the angstiest idea you’ve ever come up with?
Reader dying at the end of the fic LMAO, in the fic linked in the previous one above this one.
L: How many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting?
Uhh 😬 Maybe once? If that 😅 I’m usually so excited to post that I just kinda go ahead and click post and hope for the best. I rely on spell check and grammar check a lot 💀And I just hope my story flows well.
M: Got any premises on the back burner that you’d care to share?
I don’t think so! I keep my to do list public so everyone can see what fics I have planned. The only two I don’t have on there are the ones for the upcoming fic swap on @imagining-in-the-margins ‘s discord! But that’s cuz they’re secret :)
N: Is there a fic you wish someone else would write (or finish) for you?
I wish that I would finish the 85486824 WIPS I have, does that count? And that I would write down all the ideas I have in my head that I haven’t even given words yet. 
O: How do you begin a story–with the plot, or the characters?
Ooh this is a tough one. I’m not really sure how to answer it actually. There have been fics that I come up with a general idea for a plot for first, and then others I will decide what characters I wanna write for before I have any clue as to what the plot might be. 
P: Are you what George R. R. Martin would call an “architect” or a “gardener”? (How much do you plan in advance, versus letting the story unfold as you go?)
Oh I am 100% the type of writer to let the story unfold as I go. I have outlined two, maybe three of my fics? And then I didn’t even follow through with them because I had more ideas come to me as I was writing. 
Q: How do you feel about collaborations?
I would literally LOVE to collab with someone!
R: Are there any writers (fanfic or otherwise) you consider an influence?
There are a ton, and I am so sorry if I missed any! @imagining-in-the-margins @randomfandomimagine @reidetic @lexieshuntingsstuff @writing-in-april @reidgraygubler @zhuzhubii @dreatine @andiebeaword @dontkissthewriter @spencers-dria @sunlight-moonrise @personofsinterest @ontheoddoccasioniwritestuff @reidlusts @itslatinamagia
S: Any fandom tropes you can’t resist?
Oh boy! 😅 There was only one bed, mutual pining, manic pixie dream girl, kissed to keep quiet, just to name a few!
T: Any fandom tropes you can’t stand?
Not that I can think of! 
U: Share three of your favorite fic writers and why you like them so much.
But I have way more than three :’( @imagining-in-the-margins is definitely the first one off the top of my head. Last year I was in a really bad spot, and she invited me to her Discord, and it helped me get back into writing. Plus I made some life long friends in the server. @writing-in-april I love her sm because she is always around when I need her, and it’s nice to have a friend that thinks fairly similarly to me. @lexieshuntingsstuff and @reidgraygubler go hand in hand! They are the best sprinting buddies a girl could ask for. 
V: If you could write the sequel (or prequel) to any fic out there not written by yourself, which would you choose?
Ooh this is a tough one. I can’t think of any off the top of my head! Lame answer, I know 😅
W: Do you like more general prompts, or more specific ones?
Definitely more specific ones lol. It makes it a lot easier on me. 
X: A character you enjoy making suffer.
Reader >:))
Y: A character you want to protect.
SPENCER REID AND JASKIER OKAY THEY DESERVE THE WORLD
Z: Major character death–do you ever write/read it? Is there a character whose death you can’t tolerate?
Again- Spencer and Jaskier. I will not TOLERATE THEIR ERASURE !! 
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MALEC FIC REC POST, vol.3
vol. 1
vol.2 
Media AU
Society Rules by @Tiger_Tiger_Burning_Bright [it is apparently based on films i’ve never heard of - The Philadelphia Story / High Society - which does not make it any less entertaining. malec are childhood friends, who had a falling out 5 years ago, and now Magnus is back from London to interrupt Lightwood wedding, aka the social event of the season]
Making my way to you by @asharee_arie [woah, what was that??? is the correct answer “a perfect fanfic”?? what a muthafuckin delight, where has this gem been hiding this whole time??? i was on the floor, rolling around and squealing like a newborn piglet. Intended as some kind of Office AU, this piece does not necessarily follow the outline, but who cares, when the story, and characters, and author’s style are all that perf??? i am in luv]
Mistletoe and Margaritas by @nevermetawolf [this is legendary, and i mean, muthafuckin epic - Office AU so authentic you’d feel it in yo old bones... author calls it a crack fic, although it was anything but!!! major must read for those, who’s ever loved office, allllllll the kudos]
Once Upon a Time in the Clouds by @Fatale (femme) [one of my all-time fav authors, every time i come by a piece i have not read yet, is like a huge YAY, what a talent. so this piece is an AU of something called “sky high”, which i have no idea about, but luved it nevertheless, Alec is born to a family of Supers, and is going to school for children with superpowers, but he himself is yet to manifest any.]
Quite Magical by @lorenzobane [Hogwarts AU, and what an adorable thing it was! granted, i’ve never actually read any of HP books, this was such a delight though... alec is bad at potions, and magnus has to tutor him *wink*]
Chef AU
the way to a chef’s heart by @lecrit [okay, the GIANT SMILE one’s face acquires when one finds out there is a new lecrit fic ≧◠‿◠≦ ≧◠‿◠≦ ≧◠‿◠≦ was reading it, and legitimately squealing like a feral piglet all the way through, cause i fucking luv every single word this woman writes, is like a tiny endorphin explosions in my brain. i know am a hopeless fangirl, but i’ll die on this hill. the way she gets malec, and every variation of them in her works just makes me go (❁´◡`❁) every. single. time.]
kids in the kitchen by @perpetual_journey [cuteness personified, malec are both chefs, and magnus is a single father of max and rafe, and go and read ittttttttt, its that soft content we all need in our lives sometimes]
Knives at the Ready by @harrysglasses [restaurant AU, that is supposed to be a malec rendition of Burnt (am guessing it’s a movie...?), and what a sweet treat it was! i liked author’s style, this is the kind of smooth, unproblematic content one would require to take repose from all the heart-clenching longing i’ve been reading lately... delightful piece to ease thy soul]
Single Parent AU
I Knew From the First Time by @KlaineJane [emmm, excuse you, dear author, who gave you the right to use Rafe and Max to get to my heart, and be generally so fucking cute??? Alec is a single dad of both rascals, that has a meeting with the High Warlock of Brooklyn, and Chairman meets new friends]
And Then I Met You by @everydayfandom [malec are single parents of max and rafe respectively, and alec gets called in to school about the accident max was involved in...who doesn’t luv them some gud ol’ sweet piece of kidfic? those are like a soothing baths for your soul, and lightwood-bane kids are incapable of being anything less than extremely adorable in any interpretation, so]
College AU
Don’t say goodnight by @alistoney [this the kinda lighthearted content i am always here for - College AU]
One year and a bottle of whiskey by @CryptidBane [yassssss, yet another version of the College AU, but with malec as both clueless and pining professors, this type of fic i can read endlessly]
All is Fair in Love and War by @LadyOxymoron [aaaaaaaa, what was this adorableness *major heart-eyes* what a piece, mashallah, college professors AU, where magnus is new in town, and malec is engaging in an elaborate prank war, which, undoubtedly, is nothing more than a prolonged foreplay (c), what a gem]
Canon Divergence
oh, i’ve waited for you by @manticoremoons [so, the fic is happening a little bit further in a timeline, than the books or the series, and Alec is around 30, and... married to Lydia. i know, i know, it almost stopped me from proceeding, and boi am i glad it hasn’t completely, cause it is a damn good piece!]
Hey There Demons, It’s Me (Your Dream Boyfriend) by @thealmostrhetoricalquestion [how many recs of this author can i make, without being deemed obsessed? cause y’all should go and read every single thing they wrote, stat. this adorableness is outta this world, literally - magnus’ summoning went sideways, and the loft ends up populated with the teenage ghost-demon, who is very clearly enamored with alexander... all kinds of fluff ensue]
Something Else verse by @CryptidBane (Impetus) [maybe it’s my fever talking, but i am such a sucker for memory loss AUs, and SH fandom has the richest canon base for those, yay! this time, it’s an AU verse after 3x10: rather than asking for his magic, Asmodeus curses magnus by taking away memories from everyone who’s ever loved him, in exchange for freeing jace from lilith’s thrall... oh, what a beautiful and delicious angst ensues]
Home by @otppurefuckingmagic [waaaaaaaaat... *sits with her mouth open* how did you....? how did he...? damnnnnnnnnn you authors in this fandom, stop being so talented!!!! this is uncannily brilliant]
I’ll hold on until you’re home by @alistoney [how dare you sir, right in the feels... the missing scene in the midst of 3x18/3x19, when magnus realizes what his idiot of a boyfriend has done, and confronts him about the Asmodeus deal]
First time for everything by @nebulein [“Nowhere in a Shadowhunters’ job description does it read ‘must look adorable while infatuated with the local High Warlock’.” - series of firsts written with such tenderness and adoration for characters, that it warms your heart while reading, - it shows how much the author cares for them. it is not finished, but whatever has already been written, is gold]
Fake dating AU
The Great Repression by @CryptidBane (Impetus) [although it might not be exactly my regular cup of tea, i still appreciate this author’s style so damn much, and the way they do malec dynamic overall, so it’s here. magnus is a camboy, and alec is hired to protect him from a stalker]
Friends to lovers
Family is Family by @hexicity [my brains are fried by the covid, so any coherent rec would be unlikely right about now, but the softness of this <333 alec sees an ad about a free room, and when he moves in, he finds way more, than he bargained for... gave me a bit of a “happy, shiny people everywhere” vibe, and that’s an automatic rec in my books, so]
Spinning Around In Circles by @lemonoclefox [my fav friends to lovers/mutual pining trope, here you are, and what a pretty pretty wrapper are you wearing - absolutely amazing interpretation of a trope, that seems to has been done to death, and yet here i am, never able to get enough of it <3]
If it walks like a duck by @thealmostrhetoricalquestion [this. i was reading this. and after every single word. all i wanted to do was get down on one knee and propose to this person. i dunno who the hell you is, but.... how did you do this? it was... another level of fanfiction.]
Neighbors AU
Meow 17:1 Love Thy Neighbor by @high-warlock-of-brooklyn [again, not a fan of drabbles, but who could resist such softness??? Neighbors AU, where Chairman takes some lessons he learnt from “Parent trap” to heart, and alec is a stumbling mess, but he gets shit done, kudossssssss]
Various AU mix
Solid courage by @thealmostrhetoricalquestion [how goddamn CUTE was dat???? answer - the cutest. mashallah people in this fandom can write]
Paper Love by @thealmostrhetoricalquestion [it would not be an exaggeration to admit i thoroughly fell in love with this author’s style, i mean, all and every version of their malec is all kinds of awesome. this one is no exception - catarina works in the library, and malec have to take madzie out to a coffee shop, cause their obnoxious flirting is too loud for the quaint environment of catarina’s workplace.... it’s tiny and so so sooooooo sweet]
make no bones by @ohfreckle [yaaaaaaaaay, what a cutie, tiny preciousness about magnus having an awful day and taking it out on a no-good useless building super, simply delightful]
Freud is a Dick by @sanctuary_for_all [Alec works in IT firm, and accidentally sends someone else’s dick pick to his boss, whom he has a crush on... do i need to say more]
shadows in moonlight by @kaeg [damnnnnnn, son, that was a ride!! something exquisitely soulful, tender and so, so poetic... young malec meet in summer vacation home, and it will take your breath away in the best way possible... warning, it is unfinished, but whatever was written, is absolute preciousness]
For the Love of the Game by @TicklemyPickle [Hockey AU, where malec were childhood friends, but had a falling out, and were not in touch for the last 7 years, until magnus gets traded in to alec’s team... i was somewhat unsure about reccing this, as some of the choices author made regarding their dynamic did not exactly resonate with me, but decided to go on, because, god as my witness, one thing this world definitely needs more of - is malec Hockey AUs, word upppp]
Love Is A Gamble by @la-muerta [i myself do not completely understand, why has it taken me so long to get to the “The importance of elsewhere” author’s most famous piece, but i finally have, it was amazeballs, like, the world-building...? off the charts. the language, the moral struggle, what a gem. alec is a grumpy and surely sheriff *duh!!!* of a tiny town, and magnus strolls in being all... well, magnus-y, and opens a gambling house, the potential!!! anyway, i highly doubt this piece needs recs, so imma zip it]
@ohprongs [this author has too many tiny pieces i like to name them individually, but as far as reccing goes, they should def be mentioned here for their effortless, seamless style, and clear love for the characters in all interpretations, that simply shines through all and any AUs they choose to put malec in]
special mention:
@theleftboobgrabber [i wasn’t aware that at this stage it was still possible to come by someone like this. the author, who’s style would impress me so. that unbelievably glorious Mafia AU, absolutely delightful and literally perfect My mama don’t like you series, and something that went straight to my top-5 - MI6 AU ohhhhh, that MI6 AU... i have no coherent words to express the depths of my appreciation, this is unbelievable fucking talent for writing malec]
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i was gonna send an ask like "have you considered: 'anger is a type of geography' + 4x11" and then i checked and you actually had! but if you feel like considering it More then here's a free space
oh thanks for these Layers of Allyship re: humoring my repeated [anger geography sign tapping] and checking for things and then sending me asks about it all to invite yet more Consideration.........yeah i feel like i mentioned it at least once in tags or smthing lol??? but here comes yet more consideration / giving it an In The Text post if that doesn’t exist already yet either
the Anger Is A Type Of Geography Quote From Hanif Abdurraqib in question for everyone’s reference:
anger is a type of geography. the ways out of it expand the more you love a person. the more forgiveness you might be willing to afford each other opens up new and unexpected roads. and so, for some, staying angry at someone you love is a reasonable option. to stay angry at someone you know will forgive your anger is a type of love, or at least it is a type of familiarity that can feel like love.
like, yeah sure what with winston originally talking to lauren and mafee about this and taylor Happening to walk in on it, he probably wasn’t necessarily planning to go off on his Indignant Monologue to taylor right then and there, but the fact remains that he was willing to do so, and i definitely think that that wouldn’t be the case if he didn’t have this Respect for them and think that they have respect for him in turn, and if he didn’t also think that that mutual respect is holding hands with mutually valuing each other. like, he wouldn’t say it if he didn’t think taylor might actually listen / consider what he says, and he wouldn’t even Want to say it if he didn’t give a shit about them, because he’s not just complaining about “um i simply ask for more money,” it’s about the fact he Feels Disrespected by the implied deprioritization of tmc employees and that the way this (false lol) choice is presented to them being Unfair and disingenuous. like, you could (and im sure most viewers do) interpret the other stuff he says as just him backing up his “Pay Me” argument when all he really cares about is the Pay Me part, but a) that’s not how We roll and b) doesn’t make sense with winston being just as happy as anyone else in 4x12with taylor Apologizing re: many of these 4x11 points, despite them not saying they were gonna change the Bonus situation lol, and c) it Does make sense to think that the Mutual Respect between taylor and winston matters to him due to [see: the rest of this post]
well wait lol first of all yeah sure the money Must matter to him b/c nobody could possibly be in the world of High Finance as a passion project (except for taylor apparently lmao cuz i mean we know that the Real reason they are determined to stick with hedge fundery (and involved in the first place) is b/c they are the best part of the show and elevate all the other Lesser Elements of it as well) and also we can figure that this was probably winston’s first year working a Big Time Official Job and he doesn’t have the savings that other ppl might when they’ve been in the business multiple years, and this seems to be backed up by lauren referring to him as they guy who’d be the First One Smothered by either taking a bonus cut by 40% or not getting that bonus at all until a whole other year, which, like he seems to also imply, is also Unhelpful in that surely these investment finance people turn around and invest their own finances, and Bonus Now is better than Bonus Then b/c.....interest....Long Shares.......and also just like tfw you want your job to pay you.......but anyways Seriously [next paragraph]
cuz winston *must* be working at Taylor Mason Capital b/c he really values working with taylor more than, say, wanting a job that will make him the most money, or will necessarily look the best on a resumé if he’s just looking to up his stats, b/c yeah, this is sure an unlikely opportunity for him where this is what we’re assuming is his First Fancy Job and he’s getting to be the Top Quant right out of the gate, but he must also know that like, it’s still like “oh so you were head quant at a brand new fund :/” and also he must know that there’s a Risk with said fund and he might even end up having been head quant at a new fund that burned out really quick, super impressive........and, we Know that winston *knows* how good he is at what he does, even though he keeps getting dunked on for that like he’s sooo conceited lol like. he IS that good, sorry!!!! why should he downplay it, we don’t actually see him being one of these shitheads with a fragile ego trying to prove themselves Superior or whatever.....ANYWAYS yeah the point being that, winston claiming to have a lot of offers already in the interview might very well Not be any kind of bluff, and he’d surely know that he could rise through the Quant Ranks quickly enough at some other fund even if he started out as anything but Our Main Quant at those places.......and if Getting Tf Paid Top Dollar was really his primary concern, “go with the brand new hedge fund which doesn’t have Established History / Experience / Clout and has the one big investor but who knows what’ll come next and any business that Just opened is not your safest bet even if you trust in your own skill and in that of your ceo and you Know that even if you’re not immediately destroyed, funds will be tighter / of a Lesser Amount than at a bigger established fund”.........the now-dramatic-irony of him talking about how those Tech Firms Out West pay guarantees, not bonuses.........like, when he was trying to get onboard with axe cap, he was obvs interested in trying to leverage to get Paid more, which is like, not necessarily winston wanting to be a trillionaire but also just how stupidly everyone’s supposed to like Play The Game of negotiating / leveraging / calling your employer’s bluff to get a certain starting salary / get a raise or whatever, dumb as hell baked-in Requirement........discuss your wages with coworkers gang!!! anyways. and but Also winston makes it clear when interviewing for axe cap that Working With Taylor Mason has appeal, even if he’s flippant about it, cuz he’s flippant about all of it cuz that’s his shtick here.....
like, when it’s Taylor Alone who calls him back eventually, he’s fine with meeting up with Just Them, and later on meeting up with Just Them (and the other quants, rip) again, and agrees to work in this lil basement evidently Not on axe cap premises b/c he’d been at axe cap’s offices and this is Not That Place......and yeah him talking about taylor selling axe on using his algorithm in kompenso sure implies that winston has this whole time Assumed that all of this was still ultimately in the service of axe cap.......and he was apparently fine with reporting to Taylor Alone and not getting to rub elbows with any other higher-ups, and he’s obviously pleased well enough with a “good work :)” from taylor and isn’t like “hey be sure to tell axe & co i did this singlehandedly etc” or anything, and he’s not really complaining about the whole “work in this lil basement Not at axe cap hq with taylor mason dropping in at least once to check on you and that’s about it” situation, which obviously is hardly that “You’re A Valued Axe Cap Employee” treatment one might expect if they wanted that.....winston’s glad that taylor called him, he’s trying to appeal to them and what *they* want to see rather than how he tried to go for what he thinks [a place like axe cap] would wanna see like he did in the interview, he’s showing up at this weird basement rendezvous to be on a 3 person quant team of taylor’s, he’s fine to not only do this on his own but also accept those increased demands that make it a [fifty(? or 15, either way) phds would work on this]-Level task, and then he’s glad just to have taylor’s approval at the end of the day.......they Wouldn’t have been able to promise him any leverage of “please do your best work on this” with like, promotions / clout within axe cap or axe-cap-levels of Lots Of Payment b/c like, well taylor wouldn’t outright lie anyways but also Especially wouldn’t if they wanted to keep this quant around for tmc, so winston must never have been asking about that kind of thing
and then, bless your Missing Scene fic but there’s zero canon content re: “uh how/when did taylor break it to winston that this algorithm was for their own fund actually and btw do you want to work for that fund instead,” but presumably it went smoothly enough, he was already happy to Effectively work for them alone apparently even if he still thought that yeah, he was working for taylor who was working for axe........just Yeah altogether it’s evident that “Working With Taylor Mason” must matter more to him than “working with any Other big name financiers” or “getting paid as much as he can get” or “raking in that clout asap to leverage with Other jobs or just like, in general.”
and then of course you have the fact that taylor is Recognizing his ability by calling him back and offering him this job, going “despite your demeanor your skills are superior” and “those other two were sweet, but you’re more talented, i need you,” [praying hands emoji], and giving him this Second Chance and entrusting him with this Solo re: building this algorithm which, unbeknownst at the time to him, is really this linchpin of their hopes & dreams of launching their own secret fund here, and really they must’ve been planning from the start to keep him around if he succeeded b/c it’s not like the algorithm and their whole planned Quant Department wouldn’t continue to be integral to the fund’s success, it wouldn’t really be ideal to have this guy be the one to build an algorithm to reel in an investor who’s working in.....wait for it......billions of dollars here, and then be like, okay bye dude. they must Know how good he is same as winston knows how good he is, and him being Head Quant from the very start was surely never just about mase cap having precious few employees at the very start of things....they could’ve like given him that Lead Position temporarily or whatever, they’re ceo. but they really do value him as like, maybe he doesn’t have the ideal ~personality~ for what fucking ever, either for being Properly Assertive and Impressively Flashy like axe cap might want, or just easy to work with, which taylor would care more about than axe cap would lol, but yknow, they value his Abilities and surely they must also value his efforts re: I Promise To Try and re: his really singlehandedly making that brilliant amazing algorithm which evidently did the trick as they hoped it would
and then......dare i get to the Emotional part of things, the Interpersonal....the anger and the love...............
i mean already when winnie n tay are having their post-math-meetup meetup, aka the first time they’re meeting After their disastrous really-first meeting aka the Interview, you have winston taking a way more grounded approach to this “yeah i want to work for you please accept me” process which is obviously in response to what he thinks Taylor wants from him based on the mess of the interview, evident thanks to winston telling them that he’s been thinking about all of that.......and i mean, part of taylor’s whole thing is they have that grounded approach pretty much always lol, (or try to....Want to...), but they sure seem to Also be bringing this effort to Accommodate him based on the hot mess of the interview, wherein yeah they wouldn’t’ve expected to have to ever interact again with this person they were dunking into the trash (and of course from that Meta Perspective, the scene when originally written was meant to be winston’s only appearance ever), but they really seem to also be bringing a more dialed down approach, letting him talk first and going along with his “you ever done math meetup” intro until he’s the one who changes the subject, and i really see that Head Tilt as a sympathetic one lol, not necessarily like “awww :’0″ levels lmao but still like. they Know he’s likely to have some [emotional vulnerability] re: what last went down between them since they weren’t especially gentle with him then, and they like, demonstrably give a shit about that fact lol. they’re also not just wholly swinging in the other direction to make up for it or anything lol but they’re Also making it clear that, yknow, they’re willing to work with him For Real, not just in this “are you willing to work for me, y/n, okay great” way, but in this way of [winston making an effort to make things easier on taylor] and [taylor making an effort to make things easier on winston] which is already playing out here between them.
and the whole matter of winston’s seemingly genuine Dismay at messing up even part of this exchange, i.e. the “[wince-ston] damn it, sorry,” like, sure maybe he just really wants the job, but [see: everything above about how he Must primarily want to work with taylor re: wanting any of these jobs lol] and, after all, he “oh shit, sorry”s @ them when he’s well-established as their Head Quant in ep 4x08 and generally shows this directed-at-self displeasure at thinking he’s messed something up even without some clear “your (potential) job is on the line” element......he just Doesn’t Want To Disappoint Taylor Themself, doesn’t need some particular fear of further repercussion behind that.
and speaking of Lack Of Fear, you Know we love to point out how kompenso (and really winston’s :/ + “sure, why not :\”ness at the end of 3x09 lol) demonstrates that winston isn’t afraid of taylor either as an [intense and unusually-demeanor'd person who Does apparently strike people as Scary(tm) sometimes lol] or as this Esteemed Rising Star Axe Cap Higher-Up or simply as his de facto boss.........he’s not raring to tell them that the other quants bailed b/c of his own disapproval lol, but he’s honest as soon as they deduce as much, the tone of “fine, yes, big time” + his standing up to get even closer to them instead of just shaking in his desk chair like :c pls forgive me obviously does Not convey that he’s terrified of them, and then the rest of that interaction jsut being like, ugh god so fucking essential, they’re both able to stand face to face and be like I Am Looking Directly At It / I Do See It re: each other, both of them just continuing to be Honest and Direct with each other, God.....taylor might’ve swatted his metaphor away but he was not all that put out, and then they’re Using His Own Language by bringing it back three seconds later, like, yeah sure at this point they have a vested interest in this individual quant (the only one left lol) accepting this Demanding Task, but a) they’re not exactly playing it cool on that front, they Just said “i need You,” it’s unlikely that this is just some all manipulative tactic here by encouraging his metaphor after all lol and that’s hardly their style anyways even if they Can be strategic(tm) about things, and b) they’ve Just Previously adopted his own words lol with winston having said “as for not being a dick” and taylor saying “you backslid into being a dick” (combining His Phrasing with Theirs aka “if you promise not to backslide”....god!!!!!!)
and so then yeah to top it all off winston even ~pushes his luck~ lol by being a lil deliberately rude re: his ex-coworkers lmaoo, and you get taylor’s Reaction to being sort of tested here to be Closing Off Their Expression (speaking of....their tiny lil Eyebrow Twitch when winston infers that he’s making something to pitch to an investor.....god!!!!!! a) winnie n tay and b) emmy) and making it clear that their interest in him acting Easy To Work With was a practical matter......winston watching them go up the stairs, taylor looking back at him as they Ascend and he gets back to his desk.....jesus
the point being!!! they vibe with each other so well by Kompenso already and just *get* how the other operates and communicates and Neither Of Them are offput by the other, Neither Of Them are unwilling or uninterested in meeting each other where they’re at, and each exerting this effort to really work with each other........and how winston is Not intimidated by taylor as either someone who’s so ~weird~ and can be so Intense, or as someone who is his boss lol........which yknow we always also point out as Important re: tayston developing from this point, where taylor would be careful in how they approach winston about fwbship but would feel like it was even reasonable to consider it in the first place thanks to not having to feel like oh he definitely wouldn’t feel comfortable being honest if he wanted to say no / wasn’t sure
also Yeah It’s Billions but winston freely swearing with the F-word when they’re assessing the completed algorithm, which taylor has no reaction to lol.......the both of them being Hyped about this algorithm lol, like, Of Course they’d both be, but it’s fun :)
and then 4x03, with winston not acting terrified about there being potential Algorithm Problems, and taylor making sure to be like “don’t you dare blame latency” lol like which obv he May Have been planning to mention lol since he’s intending to give this technical answer rather than throwing out his Front Running / Interference Theory like mafee then does.....fun little moment too anyways.......taylor Allowing winston’s tangent about being cassandra and emails and “it’s pronounced owned,” like, they’re not raring to Interrupt / cut him off even if it’s Not obvious what he has to say is absolutely crucial and considered relevant by everyone else, and they’re not telling him he’s a stupid idiot and wasting their time or anything else before sending him away.......imagine. and just think about the beauty of winston very intently / earnestly saying his “i’m cassandra: Always Seeing The Future” right to taylor. 
and in 4x08 they build on his metaphor Again after having just Validated him despite everyone else really wanting to do the opposite lol......i “lol” but would everyone else lay off a little Lol......his self-reproach upon Registering that disapproval / oh-no-i’ve-messed-upness again.......then despite winston Standing Right Beside and then Sitting Right Behind taylor they don’t really interact l o l .....we have taylor being all “why is He so happy” and silently observing his Solo “i won” moment, rip, but also congrats.....and then i suppose that covers the Prior To 4x11 stuff lol
just......even re: the relative little we’ve Seen between them up to that point, winston might not have intended to talk to taylor right then, and he might or might not have intended to eventually talk to them in front of anyone else, but You Know He Knows that taylor listens to him, and that he doesn’t have to like, say things in what other people think is The Right And Effective Way to talk (even by billions’s fucking off the shits standards on that front lol), because taylor Does care about what he actually means and what his actual intentions are, not just “oh that very direct/honest thing you said Seemed rude whether you intended it or not”.......the “sad” after his yngwie malmsteen metaphor was the only time they’ve critiqued something like that lol and they then used that metaphor, So, and they’ve copied him calling himself a dick lol, and they built on his Sword metaphor, and they’ve just always been interested in Understanding him and communicating effectively with him, not in trying to get him to communicate differently or just making sure he knows He Should Feel Bad about how he Does communicate, though god knows the latter is something that everyone else seems to be somewhat #about. god knows some axe capper would have that “are you finished?” simply be the Purely Rhetorical intro to their barrage of Dunking-Upon insults, although it sure seems possible that that could’ve been sort of gently dismissive enough anyways to Encourage winston to not be finished even if maybe he would’ve stopped there otherwise.....but everyone else follows taylor’s lead in Not Actually Interrupting Him at any point, despite all the 9_9 and >:| as it were, and like, even though taylor then lets this whole thing end just with mafee going tf off on winston and bullying him into deferring and would-be deference, b/c winston might have this amount of moxie and he might be honest and he might not be scared of taylor (or anyone else here really) but he’s obviously not that assertive and definitely not that aggressive, he’s self-loathing, he’s easily put out, and all of this just bolsters how much it means that he communicates so well with taylor, b/c they’re Not interested in anything that would be counterproductive to actual effective communication but which might be “productive” if they had a goal of wanting to twist his arm about anything or pressure him into acting a certain way or just fueling their own ego or sense of superiority, axe cap style. they Value all his actual input and they have this respect for him where they don’t Want to bully him even if it’s not that difficult, like, yeah mafee was being mean to him for sure and trying to insult him into simply shutting tf up rather than like, actually responding to any of his points or doing anything but reinforcing them, but also winston has been Put Out by milder [negative responses] too, it’s of course more than just “i respect you too much to like, yell at you and try to diminish you”
and Frankly Winston Was Right and he may have been Indignant and he may not have been ~polite~ about it (though like, relative to how he is generally this Direct And Honest, there’s also not all that much evidence he’s deliberately trying to add some extra servings of Rudeness or anything) but once again like with the “as for not being a dick, i can’t absolute guarantee it” moment and the “fine, yes, big time” moment, and the “im sure it’ll go faster without the dead weight; Whoops ;)” moment, and the [talking about the algorithm problems] moment, and him freely jumping in with the “this plan might get us killed (not literally)” and “it’s b/c it sucks that they had to decapitate their dad, also not literally lol....although...” remarks, he’s just like, never afraid to tell taylor something that sure might not be the most pleasant for them to hear, and sure might not be something they Want to hear. and what’s Honest is that he’s Angry about this, and they won’t want to hear that and that they will even less want to hear his Honest Thoughts about why this is unfair, but he’s willing to say that to them, and even though we were like “haha boy winston if this isn’t fixed big time you might wanna quit :/” it’s also like, he must’ve trusted them to not wanna just fire him for lack of reverence to his ceo, and we can Juxtapose this with a) the scene that we’re set up to juxtapose it with, wherein a group of axe cappers carefully tell axe he’s being dumb as hell and might fuck all of them over, and axe tells them all to shut the fuck up b/c He Is Their Sun and he can do what he wants and get the fuck out of here, and we can also juxtapose it with b) winston being jumped on immediately in The Interview for ~lack of reverence~ to the potential employer, putting on this cocksure hotshot act (trying to..) and daring to express confidence in himself and be like “i should be interviewing you” / you should be selling to Me lol......jump to 4x11 and winston is caught off guard, he’s not putting on any kind of act, he’s not trying to appeal to anyone, sure mafee might turn it around on his [last we checked, the quant hates himself]ness, but this wasn’t about Winston Lashing Out b/c he’s angry at himself, he’s angry at Them for not valuing him, for what he perceives as them not even *really* giving them the option of the 60% Now approach, which sure seems to be justified seeing as apparently nobody but lauren goes for it and after winston invokes the Peer Pressure / pressure to seem Loyal / Committed by deferring, mafee immediately uses that [social pressure] to crush his dissent........where was i. right like. winston’s truly just Mad At Someone Else this time, he wouldn’t be here if his self-esteem was so low that he was immediately ready to just accept and absorb this treatment, and he Knows that taylor will actually listen to him which is their fuckin Mutual Respect thing and who tf else does that for him all the time, and he knows that taylor doesn’t value their own ego above everything else Unlike Some People, and he knows that he can be honest and get an honest reaction and that their honest reaction to his honesty is not “ugh you’re stupid / annoying / rude / etc,” b/c he’s Not, and that might be everyone else’s idea of him to some degree, but taylor Gets him better than that
and then you don’t quite have taylor being obviously Angry back, but they’re not exactly thrilled, and letting mafee go off on winston / effectively telling him they expect him to consider That the response and in turn respond back to that, can sure be interpreted as an expression of something a little short of pure goodwill and best intentions towards him here lol......again, i lol through the pain.......winston only has further reason to be angry, his Complaints weren’t resolved in the least and he came in all “i feel disrespected” and surely that’s only been doubled down on, b/c this isn’t Just “pay me goddamnit,” it’s really also just about the fundamental respect itself, which he figured that taylor cares about too, and so this would be something he could appeal to / expect them to earnestly.....he feels like none of them are being valued more than this feud with axe cap, he (maybe) feels like said feud is causing the quants’ work to be deprioritized in favor of more elaborate schemes based on “what will screw axe over specifically,” he feels like he’s not being valued as a Very Important Employee, he feels like this False Choice thanks to Social Pressure is insult to injury, like they’re not supposed to get a real chance to question this. boy i’m really just going off talking about any and all aspects of this huh, where’s the Anger Geography core here
well here it is: winston doesn’t ever talk to taylor in any more Filtered way due to them being his boss / him feeling a need to be more careful around them, if anything, they’re the one person he can be Least filtered around, b/c they care about What He Actually Means and aren’t all hung up on whether his communication style seems gratingly weird / wrong / offputting. winston isn’t bringing any particular leverage to this situation, yeah sure he pointed out He’s Valuable but he also did that in the interview with even less leverage and in the basement when he thought he was just working on some weird side project for axe cap in this remote quant dungeon - he’s counting on them to just Listen To Him and care about what he means, same as he always does and like they’ve done thus far. and he’s Temporarily Burned by this, which is tragic, but then 4x12 happens, and who knows if taylor and winston talked between these scenes at all cuz billions sure won’t say at all, but either way winston sure seems to pick up on the fact that taylor is responding to his Complaints here, the implication they were taking a too-axe-esque approach to them now answered by taylor deliberately differentiating themself from axe, and asserting that they Do value their employees and their contributions, and that taylor has this responsibility to them, and maybe Had gone astray there with the revenge jag but aren’t actually interested in that being the core of everything.........winston is Validated and we realize it and he seems to realize it lol, he definitely Was listened to, and he sure wasn’t like fired or anything, he Could Be Angry with them and that wasn’t going to lead to taylor wanting to sever even the Professional relationship or anything like that. sure seems to be no grudge held between them during the “q is for quantitative, babey” scene there lol and yeah it’s billions and shit moves fast / people will roll with A Lot of mistreatment apparently (see: winston also does not seem to harbor any grudge against mafee here lol but who knows) but the Fact Is, here they are, having found A Way Out Of [Anger], after having had this altercation which wouldn’t even have been possible if Winston hadn’t felt it was possible for them to interact like this, for him to be mad and be honest about that anger and the hows and whys of it and for that Not to be a dead end between them or something that could shatter the relationship entirely. and he was Validated!!!!
and guess who i also love to quote and paraphrase lol i also think of mariame kaba talking about interpersonal Conflict being possible Opportunities in a relationship, because working through said conflict can allow the relationship to grow / deepen / strengthen. which sure seems to Hold Hands with this idea: that you can Be Angry with someone because you already know that won’t break the relationship, and that even if you don’t already know that, going through that experience / process of Being Angry with someone and coming out the other side together will show that the relationship can handle that / will have involved gaining tools to be able to handle that going forward. and really like, we’ve seen winston Forgive taylor’s anger at him right off, and that may not be the sweeping heights of love but it came from Understanding (and....low self-es steam probably lol) but no really, he Shows that he understands why they reacted like that by behaving in this way that he figures is more in line with what they actually want, just talking and being direct with no boxes or [wags] or standard boring interview questions or posturing, showing he’s willing to work with them in the “please hire me” and “i’ll try to Behave” ways lol........and taylor is offering their own patience and sympathy and restraint and Understanding and willingness to bend.......things are happening on an emotional plane between them here.
and then after winston chooses to be on board with mase cap, and after he’s worked for them so long that it’s comp time baby, and after these few Sample Interactions we’ve seen in which taylor doesn’t cut winston down or show contempt for him and they continue to directly or indirectly validate him, winston can be Angry with them and taylor can (definitely Sorta) be Angry back, and winston surely even Stayed Angry after that scene in 4x11, and he didn’t quit, and was that [terrible self-esteem actually lol] or was it him believing that there could be a way out of this state of anger between him and taylor? both?? we get to decide!! b/c he’s sure not Validated and Vindicated until later lol.....what does he sit there on that couch alone in that room and Think in those moments...........and then once things Are better resolved, they have this whole [episode of conflict] in their history, and like is the whole Point of all of this, that’s hardly necessarily just some awful and unfortunate thing.......their relationship can survive something like that, and the conflict sure sparked this kind of Genuine Interaction between them which couldn’t have happened if winston just shied away from all this / kept it to himself because he didn’t think taylor would Listen or Care or Understand. 
and it’s Not Just About The Money, and even when he expresses that he’s upset about this perceived disrespect / not being valued as an employee, we Know that he’s not someone who’s got this need to feel superior to everybody else / like he’s always Winning, and we know he’s not after Maximum Clout, but he does want to Work With taylor and he evidently wants to feel valued By Them, who does happen to be his boss and does have this avenue to potentially treat any employees unfairly. and we know that winston *knows* in this objective way how good his work is, and both winston and taylor have acknowledged that yeah, His Work / professional quantly ablities have value, so winston Knows he should expect for that to be valued in the form of “your quantributions are important and you’re getting paid to reflect that”........and that he feels like he’s for once not being Allowed Honesty re: everyone supposedly being pressured into deferring is like..........what do he and taylor have if not earnest, open communication b/c they both value and respect what the other Really Has To Say!!!!!! that’s winnie n tay and it’s also tayston.
which, speaking of which, Sidenote: when it comes to tayston hcs we generally have this as a “they’re not currently doing Their Thing at this point anyways, and maybe the fact that that’s been ended (and they Haven’t been talking through this particular conflict yet) is adding to the tension / anger / feeling of not being valued hahaha rip” deal lol, but also if they Were still currently in their fwb/[???]ship like obviously this would spill over and probably require an at-least-temporary halt to give everyone some space seeing as it’d be a little impossible to truly completely Set That Aside in the recent aftermath l o l ......but despite the lingering tension / awkwardness that would be present whenever they Do next meetup [imagine: an I Was On The Phone With You, Sweetheart phonecall prior to 4x12′s scene?? wrow] the layers to that ensuing sex lol......reunion sex? makeup sex? not-hate-sex-but-maybe-still-needing-to-vent-a-lil-Emotional-frustration-maybe sex? maybe all of the above and more
ANYWAYS even i don’t know why this is so long, and also it’s 7am. i definitely think that winston trusted taylor and the Relationship between them to be able to handle Anger (his, for once, lol) and for that Anger to even potentially be something Constructive. and he was right. and in 4x12 he’s there with them at the very end, wearing the tmc logo, standing behind them in the hellhole which is axe cap hq, knowing that taylor is the one person (here, certainly) who definitely Gets and who’s Got him, who’s asserted this loyalty and commitment to him after he’s certainly done that re: them, and once again winston definitely has this Choice to be here with them just like he must’ve had that choice to join up with their fund in the first place, he’s never been trapped with them or forced into alliance with them, and we just Know that he’s not choosing to be here just for Linkedin reasons / what’s best for career advancement and/or for raking it in as best as he can manage and/or for gaining clout and status or whatever, and we sure never see him reaping some kind of deluxe treatment/benefits just for being closely associated with taylor / having their approval. everything we see points to winston caring most about what happens between him and taylor and that he gets to work with them and that he’s here because of that mutual respect and value for each other. 
and really, the show also repeatedly tells us that winston Does basically have these world-class abilities and *is* that valuable, and we know that winston Knows how good he is, and he must’ve legitimately had all those offers and known that he’s really good enough that these places Should compete for him. he must’ve known that he has this Potential here and all of these options laid out in front of him, and he takes taylor’s call and shows up in a basement for them and singlehandedly writes an algorithm good enough to found their fund upon and he follows them there when now he’s got this Proof of just how incredible his work is and could’ve leveraged that anywhere else. but his relationship with taylor has always had this personal aspect to it and the fact is that, even with his choice of Paths laid out in front of him, he chose and keeps choosing the geography of winnie n tay. Love. thank you and goodnight
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eirian-houpe · 4 years
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Working Wednesday
Here is the state of my current WIPs at the beginning of July’s Camp Nano. As before, my main camp fic will be The Library Beneath the Clock Tower, but I shall also try and maintain progress on other WIPs as well.  Lofty goals... LOL, meaning a total of 2000 words of writing each day, (and remembering to keep updating the Camp Stats page. Hopefully this will mean that each fic will get updated at least once this month.  You heard it here first, folks!
The Library Beneath the Clock Tower: AU Cursed Storybrooke. (Inspried by/based on The Bookshop on the Corner: A Novel, by Jenny Colgan)
Storybrooke has no library, and neither does Belle, not since the library where she worked in Boston discovered her past as an inpatient at a mental hospital. Taking her future into her own hands, Belle travels to Storybrooke where her intention is to open up the town library, but all does not go according to her plan. Obstacles and false starts, and diversion along very wrong pathways interrupt her journey toward fulfilling her dream, as well as taking her rightful place and becoming a part of the Storybrooke community. -  Chapter 32 has been posted, and the entire story will be 53 chapters long, so long as plans don’t change.
All Our Past Mistakes: AU Non-Cursed Storybrooke
Doctor Gold, professor of history at the local campus of Maine University, is stuck in a loveless, and one might say abusive relationship with a wife who is less than attentive to their family, and whom he suspects cares little for her marital vows. His resolve to maintain his own faithfulness is sorely tested by the presence of one of his new students - a junior by the name of Belle French - whom it seems fate is determined to put in his way. The two become embroiled in a passionate, and redemptive relationship, but not before suffering numerous setbacks and separations. This is no instantaneous happy ever after, but a tale of two hurt souls finding their way together through darkness and despair. - nothing written since last week
Disparate Pathways: AU and Remix of Witness Protection, which was written for the 2019 RSS.
Gold has a past, a past that he has rejected, but it seems one that will not let him go. Belle, daughter of Governor Maurice French has been kidnapped, along with her mother, and just as the authorities raid the organization that is holding her hostage, decides to make her own bid for freedom, unknowingly derailing an undercover sting, and Agent Milnor has not choice but to take her into ‘protective custody,’ but is he all that he seems? As the threads of the story grow more tangled and the threat to Belle, and to Gold, her appointed protector, grow ever more real, a growing, mutual attraction makes everything far more desperate and far too personal for Gold to ignore what he knows to be the truth. - Nothing written since last week.
Scattered: AU OUAT, where the curse didn’t quite happen the way it did on the show. (It went ‘wrong’)
Casting a spell, any spell - at least the ones that involve more than just the wave of a hand, or worse, the wave of an irritating fairy’s wand - takes time, and patience, and the right ingredients, and… just like any recipe, if you get it wrong, it doesn’t mean the cake won’t cook, rather then will, just with unexpected or unintended outcomes. All of Rumplestiltskin’s careful planning and manipulation, all of his hopes and dreams turn to dust; ashes in his bitter heart in the blink of an eye… in the fall of an equine heart. Belle exchanges one terrible prison for another, and it’s one she is desperate to escape, and though Rumple’s fate as The Savior was severed from him centuries ago, sometimes fate itself has a way of finding an alternate route home. - nothing written since last week
What the Actual Fuck! : Sutherelle fic
Prime Minister Robert Sutherland is feeling pressured, and isn’t prepared to acquiesce to the repeated challenges from within his cabinet nor the wider circle of those around him. He resorts to drastic measures to ascertain who can be trusted, turning to an ‘old friend’ to help him separate the wheat from the chaff. Said friend promises to send in his best operative to assist the PM, the trouble is the operative finds out more than Robert necessarily wants to know, and all this just as all hell is breaking loose around him; people hurt, Britain in chaos and multiple deaths push him into making some hard hitting decisions in order to safeguard himself, the country, and the people he cares about - Nothing written since last week.
Breathe: Rushbelle. As the Lucian Alliance attack Icarus Base, Doctor Rush makes the decision that dialing back to Earth is too dangerous, though that may not at all be his reason for attempting to dial the ninth chevron, persuaded by Eli, and by something Belle had said to him previously, he substitues Earth for Icarus, and the connection is made. In spite of hurrying to urge Belle to the ‘Gate room and through the ‘Gate, neither he, nor anyone else believes that Belle actually made it on board Destiny…  - Part one of the We Three series. - Nothing written since last week.
Storybrooke’s Best Kept Secret: Rumbelle, Cursed Storybrook AU 
This story was created accidentally when what I had written didn’t fit for something else. in which Belle is not kept in the assylum, but in a little cottage on the very edge of Storbrook town, and few know she’s there.  Then, one day, someone else finds out. - Nothing written since last week.
Darkness In Hyperion Heights: Woven Beauty, Mystery/Paranormal AU
One stormy morning, Detective Weaver shows up to work and finds someone waiting for him in his office.  His visitor is a scholar and a curator for the British Museum, and has recently discovered that an artefact from the vaults is missing. She has followed the trail left in the wake of its disappearence and it led her to Hyperion Heights, and now, she needs Weaver’s help.
Modern Wonders: Well now, how to classify /this/ one?  Lets start by saying it is a crossover with OUAT and SyFy’s Mini-series, Alice. It’s kind of ‘ensemble’ and kind of ‘Mad Rumbelle/Mad Curious Archer’ sorta kinda.  This is still in the ‘mulling’ stage, and might not get anything posted for a while, because of... well... reasons! (Spoilers), but we’re working on it.
I’ve also still been working on a project for a deadline, which is keeping me busy.
Also, I still have 2 series awaiting their next works: Darker Hearts: an AU Wish!Rumbelle, and Thoughts On A Happy Ending: A Rumblelle focussed Belle introspective of the entire journey from season 1 through season 7. Nothing has been written for either just yet, so no change since theirlast update, but they are included in the writing schedule so maybe that will change.
All published works can be found on AO3 where I write as Eilinelithil.
Please feel free to ask me questions about /anything/ you see here, or any other curiosity that enters your head - anonymous asks accepted, I’ll talk about most things if you ask. If you want to ask the characters anything, you can do that too! You can also prompt me if you wish.
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brightlotusmoon · 4 years
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Hello! List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the ask box for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you! Learn to know your mutual and followers! :3 (don't need to do it if you don't want to)
1. Neurotransmitters working correctly. I can't make my own so I use store bought, it's fine.
2. Cats. My cats. All cats. Kittens. I need a box of kittens, stat.
3. Fanfiction. Ninja Turtles fanfiction. Mikey fanfiction. Mikey angst fanfiction that gives him ADHD and psychic empathy and real emotional intelligence with epic wisdom. I've been doing this for thirty years don't make me stop now, it's how I cope. I love my sunshine child.
4. Chocolate. Preferably just plain milk or dark. Do you have any?
5. Being loved and loving in return. Hugs, give me hugs. It's dopamine, I crave it. Yes, I'm one of those autistics who loves hugs, big tight hugs that can soothe my ADHD crow brain because I get to focus on the shiny that is you rather than the shiny that is oh shit is that the depression shadow monster lurking back there.
-
I don't know who to tag but they're probably other people in the TMNT fandom. I dunno.
This fandom makes me happy. It's not toxic like some people assume, it never was, not in the thirty years I've been involved. It just occasionally has some folks who get brought in by newer iterations who start bullying thus spreading toxicity a little, usually over headcanons where the characters represent marginalized identities, which doesn't make any sense because these characters aren't even human and are animal based mutants specifically turtles which let's face it will do all sorts of bizarre things and don't need to be compared to humans who naturally fuck up each other just because someone doesn't look or behave certain ways.
I prefer corvids. And felines. And vulpines. My first real online fanfic OC* was a mutated calico cat human with my own disabilities and orientations and I made her into Mikey's best friend and then surprise lover and then surprise polyamory, because my writerbrain is Like That a lot.
I have a new OC who is a fennec fox humanoid mutant again same hat as the other and I wish I could eat strawberries all day and bounce around and nibble a person's hand to show I love them. I nibble my own hand when I'm anxious, but I'm autistic ADHD and that's stimming and it's my hand though. Oh, and a human OC, same hat, for another AU. Which reminds me that AU fics are Alternate Universe headcanons and not canon thus why the heckity hells do people threaten each other anyway, it's fantasy and we don't own it, we just play pretend and share it with each other in the hopes that we're not alone in wanting to commiserate all these nifty ideas and theories and squee when we connect and curl up when we get scolded; and the very fact that we get threatened because we have shared fiction ideas that will never work out in the real world is a sad fact I still can't wrap my head around, you would think after my literal twenty years on internet platforms I would understand everything but nah. Even the various official creators and different creators coming from fandom into franchise had the same thoughts and I remember the conversations where they said how confused they were too at fans trying to hurt each other, nobody took it so seriously. So I guess what makes me happy is seeing fans open up to each other, make creative content that resonates, rising above bullying that comes from the bullies' own fear and revulsion and hatred and conflation of ideas that shouldn't be the same but they're probably sheltered and naive anyway so I don't hate back, I was sheltered too and I'm still naive. And it's funny and weird how I easily lose working memory yet random long term storage memories keep surfacing. What makes me happy is that I still have a whole mind, full of stuff, brain all wrinkly with knowledge which makes me think of Jason from The Good Place talking about how smooth brains don't have much knowledge or information, and there goes my crow brain again, I really think I want to nickname ADHD and change it to Cognitive Attentive Tempo Syndrome, I have CATS in my brain, my brain is a Kinetic Cognitive Style room full of cats and there's toys everywhere.
I'm happy my disabled body is still standing and moving after forty years since my birth at 26 weeks back when nobody knew anything, and in a couple of months it'll be 41, and there will be even more information and education and I want to be a test subject, an example, of living fairly well past the life expectancy that they used to assume for cerebral palsy and for autism and for ADHD all separate so imagine it all at once, and the neoteny that comes with each, plus now EDS, and wow I'm giving myself so much serotonin just thinking all this, because there's also major depressive disorder that hell might be cyclothymia I dunno I'll talk to my doctors, and then there's temporal lobe epilepsy that a lot of people just die from at all ages, and I've become such an advocate and activist and alive and forever pro choice and autonomy, and my parents still adore the hell out of each other and me, and I'm teaching them through my advocacy just as they taught me, and I don't think I could ever do public speaking but maybe in a nursing college, a disability advocate speaker? Because there is always everything to learn and relearn and discover and uncover and it's important to be able to change our minds and our thinking and our habits and our coping strategies and our understanding of how things work because nothing is static everything progresses, even cerebral palsy which is surprisingly a thing that while static and progressive still leads to changing neurobiological and neuromuscular updates via neuroplasticity, my physical therapist calls me unique among all his patients, a Variable when there shouldn't be, and it makes me happy that we are discovering things about my neuropsychology and musculoskeletal system that nobody ever considered, and I want to be around to see medical science make all sorts of conclusions that could help others like me.
What makes me happy is learning, connecting, passing on knowledge, being cautiously optimistic in this nihilistic sense of how everything matters in the nothingness where nothing matters intrinsically but each small thing matters on the surface, extrinsic, how it is seen and felt and considered. People forget what existential nihilism supposed to mean. I may not matter in the totality, but I matter in the little bits that count for others like me, and that makes me happy.
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