#i need to finish my degree or whatever…. but im so fucking sick of this! it never fucking ends!

[victorianboyfriend]

i don’t think i can do this anymore seriously

[kirkwall]

work rant so i don’t go insane

alright so for context im a software dev at a company that offers a web application to online store owners that helps automate some stuff among other features. nothing essential just sort of helpful. our founder sold almost all his shares to some fucking investment group that now keeps buying more companies that thematically work with ours to turn this into some big thing they can make even more money with. so i think u kinda get the idea why i fundamentally do not care about this company or the work we do or find it worthwhile. if this company disappeared tomorrow it wouldn’t matter in the slightest. ppl would be mildly inconvenienced for a short adjustment period and then it’d be as if the application never existed. also worth noting that there’s no office, we all work from home, it’s mostly flexible hours and a 30hr work week at full pay so u can also understand why I didn’t just quit at the first sign of unsatisfaction.

another thing for context is that i have a diagnosed anxiety disorder, autism that is only diagnosed unofficially by my psychiatrist/therapist, some sort of problem focusing (not sure if it’s adhd or connected to other health things who knows with this body) and just one physical health issue after another. which means my energy levels are usually at like 50% at most.

now my lack of motivation to spend what little energy i have all on work instead of my actual life, how often i spontaneously get sick and my procrastination due to trouble focusing sometimes leads to me not finishing things on time or handing in half-assed results.

it’s been like this for over a year now but until today no one said anything. and the call today was mostly triggered by two projects i handed over to my supervisor in a half-assed state bc I didn’t get them done well in time before my vacation. but instead of telling me personally and outright he set up this call with him and our team lead. my team lead kept saying how i don’t have any „drive“ (ur right I don’t!) and how it’s on me to communicate faster if im gonna miss a deadline and need help and to find the motivation to „hand in the best possible work I can“ and to stay on top of all technology news that concern our team and make sure my knowledge is up to par.

now the thing is. they’re not really wrong in what they’re saying it’s just that there’s nothing that will ever make me care about this work or motivate me to do it. i will never want to use what little energy i have on work instead of my personal life. i will never be able to comfortably communicate with anyone there. i don’t care how often they say i can say whatever i want to without getting in trouble, i will always still worry about getting in trouble or others thinking im stupid and lazy. i will never care about any of these technology topics or be excited to do this ultimately meaningless job.

but i don’t know how to explain my health issues to them if barely any of it is properly diagnosed. so i don’t know how to make them understand that i can’t give it 100%. this call today was already hell bc I could barely speak full sentences for fear of breaking into sobs and then not being able to stop. i always start crying when i have to talk about my health bc it’s a scary and sensitive topic for me.

i want to quit more than anything. but i have this fundamental issue with all software dev jobs. it is so ultimately meaningless. im not giving back anything worthwhile to other people. if anything it fuels climate change. i would love to get back into biology but lab jobs do not exist here. at all. i don’t have it in me to get another degree. i don’t think my body can handle an exhausting 40hr shift job and doing part time would mean i make so little money that i won’t be able to move out and i really can’t live with my parents much longer without losing my mind. so now im just. stuck. and i feel like if i quit without anything new lined up i will end up in a hole I’ll never get out of. i don’t know what to do.

[fuck-customers]

a fuck coworkers

my store is a small one, only four of us plus the manager, although we need at least one more person. but of the four of us, the two guys do almost no work at all. one is much worse than the other though. while they both spend 90% or more of their shift )after the manager leaves) sitting in the backroom playing on their phones, the one guy will at least come out if the door buzzer goes off a lot to see how busy it is. the other guy does not budge. at all. for anything. no matter how busy it is i am stuck on till alone all night with no break and barely a chance to sit and rest because if there is no customers in the store, then i have to be facing and filling and checking over stock to keep the store looking decent. both because it makes it easier at the end of the night to try to not let it get too bad but all so because we have a theft problem and LP/head office gets pissed if we dont keep things faced because it's harder to tell if things have gone missing. there is at least one person stealing 60oz bottles of hard alcohol, which i dont even know how they are hiding bottles that big without being seen. but it seems to happen when its busy because there are blind spots i cant see from the till (and that is the aisle where things are missing from) but i can't leave the till to see whats up or ask people if they need help etc. and the guys will not leave the backroom to do that or to watch till. like i just really don't want to be the one getting in shit when LP ends up getting involved because they decide i wasn't doing enough even though i am the one doing EVERYTHING already. beyond that, it is just so fucking aggravating to be in physical pain at the end of every shift because someone has to make sure things are getting done while he just sits back there. and we both get paid the same wage. like how they still have jobs is beyond me. but its because the manager doesn't want to fire them because they show up to work reliably but why fucking bother having them when they do no work? if it's especially miserable in the store (busy, in pain, customers being endlessly rude and/or creepy) knowing they are back there doing not a god damn thing makes me want to scream (as does most aspects of the job but this makes it even worse). i just want to cry some days. this was just supposed to be a whatever job until i got something related to my education but it's taking longer than i thought and when i quit the liquor store originally to finish my degree i never thought i would have to be back here.

this isn't even a minimum work for minimum wage thing. this is a no work because i can take advantage of my coworkers and still get paid thing. there is only ever 2 of us on at a time. like i am so close to saying to the manager like i am not going to be rushing around stressing about getting stuff done because he wont do anything. if it doesn't get done it doesn't get done and you can talk to him about it. im so sick to death of doing the work of at least 2 people every fucking night. she knows the guys are awful but keeps telling the two of us who do the work to 'pick our battles' but everything is a battle and its brutally unfair to act like we are in the wrong for being upset. she will write them up and tell them off if things are really bad but they dont care and dont change because they know that she won't ever fire them. and i don't want them to be fired, i want them to do their share of the work.

from now on ill just have to say sorry i did everything i could with the time i had, if anything wasn't done take it up with the dickheads sitting in the back because they should have been working too. im not going to kill myself over this garbage job that barely pays my bills. but also i am terrified to not have the job and not be able to pay my bills so i am killing myself (and my knees and back and mental health) by being here and working hard.

the less lazy of the guys also isn't that impressed with the other guy but it's borderline hypocritical considering how little he does himself. however he's a nice guy and he did take the till when the one creepy regular came in. if only because he happened to come out to the front at the right time and recognize him from my description. certainly grateful for that.

[brelione]

Kind Of A Cinderella Story (Sarah Cameron X Reader)

 Request:37 from prompt list 2 with Sarah?+More Sara Cameron dating a Gardener pls

Warnings:This is trash and for some reason took me like three hours to write.Isnt proof read,implications of smut kind of.

Sarah was sick of her life.It was the same thing over and over again.She had to pretend to be this elegant,proper girl when all she wanted ot do was have fun.She felt like a puppet,being told what to wear and who to hang out with.She ahd been set up with countless kook boys that wanted nothing other than a girl to use as a sex object.She hated it.

Everyone thought that she was some perfect kook queen with no problems in her life but they couldnt be more wrong.People called her a whore for cheating on her boyfriends but all she wanted was to be loved.Like,genuinely loved for something other than her appearance.It was a process of trial and error.Ward would introduce her to one preppy kook boy with gelled back hair and toxic masculinity in a never ending cycle,hoping ot find the perfect fit.

Little did he know that she didnt want any kooks there was.She didnt even want any boys,no matter eif they were a pogue or a kook.Her heart was set on one pogue girl that didnt know how to match her pants to her shirt and had pierced her nose with a paperclip.She found her heart speeding up,trying not to smile or let out a nervous laugh whenever she saw said pogue even walk by.

You had always envied the kooks.While you worked at a bakery for 16 hours three days a week,living from pay check to pay check they were living it up in their huge mansions and getting their nails done with diamonds and gold.

You didnt even have a refrigerator or a microwave,you just kept what needed to be cold in a cooler that you had found on the side of the road two years ago.The bakery could only pay you so much so you decided that you might need another job.

It was either that or start stealing things.You chose the first option,unfortunately.Upon hearing that Ward Cameron was looking for someone to plant flowers and cut weeds in his garden you had volunteered for it.That’s what got you to this point,mud on your cheekbones,little scratches on your palms as you secured another bundle of impatiens into the soil.

The grass was still damp from the early morning rain,you were obviously tired and planning on going back to bed once you got back home.That was when the kook princess,Sarah Cameron,came running out of her house with a butter knife in her hand,demanding to know who you were and what you were doing in her backyard.You wiped your slightly bloody hands on your jeans,grinning.

  “Im the gardener,Ward hired me last week.”You explained,smiling when a look of realisation came across the kook’s face,dropping the butter knife into the grass. “Oh-im so sorry!Im Sarah,they didnt tell me they hired you so I got scared.”She looked down at the butter knife,a blush coming across her cheeks.

After that first encounters she was desperate to speak to you again,having to wait a whole week until you came around to pull the weeds from the garden.She had considered stomping on the plants so you’d be forced to stay around longer but that would be pretty rude of her if she wanted to make a good impression.She had checked the weather,seeing that it was gonna be over 100 degrees.

That meant she had a perfect reason to speak to you without being strange.She’d come out after ten minutes of you being there and offer you a cold drink inside and when you were distracted with your drink she’d ask you questions about yourself and then boom.

You two would fall in love.It sounded like a great plan in her head.The night before the day you were due to come over she had set a blue gatorade in the fridge,preparing.But then she saw you out her window and became weak.Her legs were shaking as she took the gatorade out of the fridge,pacing around the kitchen with teh bottle in hand,taking in big breaths as she prepared herself. 

With one last,deep breath she opened the back slider door,putting a smile on her face as she walked up behind you as you put long weeds into a bucket,your sleeves rolled up and sweat on your face. “Weather kind of sucks today,figured you needed a drink.”She licked her lips,wanting to redo.That just didnt sound right at all.You looked up at her,squinting from the sun that shined around her almost like a halo.

 “Thanks,climate change is a real bitch.”You took the gatorade,opening it and taking a sip,some of the blue energy drink dripping down your chin. “Oh my god,I know.Don't even get me started on whats happening with the sharks in New England!The government is full of shit!”She exclaimed,not as nervous as she had been before.

You nodded in agreement. “Yeah,just like our oceans!In twenty years there will be more plastic than fish,I hate this world so much.”You sighed,sitting in the grass as you took another sip of the cold drink. “Do you want to come inside and talk about this?We’ll both get sunburned if we stay out here too long.”her hands went to her pockets,something that always happened when she was anxious.

You shrugged,standing up. “Yeah,ok.”You replied,following her.You were hesitant to actually step inside the house,figuring one of the tiles was probably worth your whole paycheck.You sat awkwardly at the counter,drinking the gatorade until there was barely anything left.

She grabbed you a water bottle and offered you a sandwhicih.You said yes of course,thanking her when a ham and cheese sandwich on a blue plate was placed in front of you. “You know what else I hate?”You asked,taking a small bite off the corner of the sandwich.She hummed,looking up. 

“How organizations protecting endangered species are being defunded by the government!It’s trash.”You sighed,becoming increasingly more angry.SHe nodded,agreeing. “Same with deforestation!If the government was taking away tv’s everyone would freak out but of course when they cut down our source of oxygen its fine!”She smacked her palms off the table.

 “I say we poison them all with wolfsbane and give Mother Nature her shit back.”You wiped some mustard from your cheek,making her grin.Once you finished the sandwich you insisted on getting back to work,groaning when the sun hit your skin again.She had sat by the pool,telling you that you could go for a swim when you finished working if you wanted to.

You tugged dandelions from the garden,it was your last task of the day which meant that you got it done as quick as possible,placing them into the bucket when you got a good idea.You took them back out,forming the weeds into a crown of yellow,grinning at your creation before presenting it to Sarah. “Figured the queen needed a crown.”Was al you said,placing it on her head before flashing a peace sign and beginning your walk home.

Sarah waited another seven days to see you.The sun didnt shine so bright,her hair felt lifeless and her smile just couldnt look right.She felt herself falling for you,not even bothering to fight off the feelings.Tuesday night,the night before you would be coming over she prepped herself.She made a ham and cheese sandwich with mustard and lettuce,wrapping it up and putting it in her fridge along with a blue gatorade.

She practiced how to do a cute bun that she had seen on her pinterest feed,picking out an outfit that would make her look nice without being too over the top.She ended up showering at two in the morning,making sure she would smell nice and her hair wouldnt be greasy.She woke up with drool tunning down her chin,her alarm loud.She groaned,wiping her face and checking the time.

She had a text from her dad to let her know that he and Rose had taken Wheezie to the beach and Rafe was off doing whatever it was that Rafe does.She sat in her living room,staring out the window as she waited for you to appear and walk around her house into the backyard.She grinned when she saw you,light overalls and a rainbow striped shirt,deep tan work boots and a tired look on your face as you opened the gate in the fence,walking around to the backyard.

She let out a soft sigh as she wiped her hands on her shirt,making sure there were no wrinkles as she grabbed the sandwich from the fridge,tucking it under her arm and holding the gatorade in her hand,opening the slider door with the other.She closed it,the hot humid air hitting her in a huge contrast from the cold air conditioned house.

 “Hey,Sar.”You grinned,noticing that there wasnt much work that need to be done today.She held out the wrapped up sandwich to you along with the drink,crossing her arms awkwardly. “Do you want to come inside?”She asked,peeling at her white nail polish.You licked your lips,standing up and brushing off your pants before picking up the gatorade and sandwich,sitting at the kitchen table and eating. “So like,can I ask you a question?”She asked,leaning her elbows on the table.

You raised an eyebrow at her,swallowing the sandwich that you had in your mouth with a swig of gatorade. “I hate when people ask that.Are you gonna ask if I murdered someone cause the answer is no.”You said quickly,trying not to let your brain run wild.

You hadnt done anything wrong.Maybe you fucked up the order fo the flowers? “Oh,oh cool.But um….Like,what would you do if I accidentally kissed you?”She asked,making your eyes widen.Her heart beat only got quicker as the monet of silence lasted longer,a tension growing between the two of you.

 “I dont know...thats never happened before.”You answered,avoiding her eyes.She blushed,leaning down quick and pecking your lips,pulling away just as quick. “Love that.”You answered,biting your lip lightly,trying not to laugh. 

“Love you.”She answered,her face beet red.You smiled,looking up at her. “Love you too.”You answered,hearing the door open a few seconds later,Wheezie walking in,her skin slightly more tanned than it had been when she left. “Uhh...hi?”She frowned,looking at you but deciding not to question it before going up the stairs and into her room.

Ward and Rose came in soon after her,the same look on their faces. “Arent you the gardener?”Rose asked,coming into the kitchen and pouring herself a glass of wine. “She’s done with her work for the day.”Sarah answered quickly,looking over to Ward.

He didnt say anything,feeling that there was something going on between the two of you but deciding to stay quiet.You and Sarah had been dating in somewhat secrecy for a month and you no longer came over on just Wednesday’s to pull weeds.You came over pretty much everyday,going swimming or going to the beach with your lovely girlfriend.

You laid on your stomach on her bed,head on one of her many pillows,the show Lucifer playing on her large tv. “We should do something.”She spoke confidently,a mischevious grin on her face.You sighed,sitting up. “Like what?”You asked,knowing that she would probably suggest something ridiculous.

She smirked,grabbing her purse. “We’re gonna go shopping.”It wasnt even a question,just a straight out statement.You shook your head,going back to laying down when she grabbed at your ankles,trying to drag you off the bed. “Please?”She pouted,trying to get you to crack.

You simply rolled your eyes,reminding her that you didnt have the money for that type of thing.She sighed,grabbing your hands and pulling you up but you refused to go down without a fight,purposely pushing her backwards by wrapping your arms around her like a toddler. 

“No.”You muttered,your nose in her blonde hair.You stared ahead of you,passing by trees and large houses,getting to the rich kook side of the island near the shopping boutiques and gold clubs. “I hate you.”You sighed as she pulled into a shop parking lot,a grin on her face. “I love you too.”She answered,opening the car door for you and making you get out. 

“What if I buy you icecream after?”She asked,trying to get you to be less miserable,succeeding when your face lit up. “Like the fancy kind in a dipped waffle cone with the sprinkles?”You asked,willing to try on clothes if it meant getting to the sweet cold treat.

She nodded,complying with your request,holding your hand and bringing you inside.It didnt feel right for you to be here,even the lights looked expensive.There werent even carts,fabric bags instead.Thats how you could tell just how expensive everything here would be.  “Sarah,this is ridiculous.”You mumbled as she dragged you over to some t shirts that had stripes but even they looked expensive,the material thick and durable between your fingers.

You gripped the price tag,eyes widening. “This shit is $130!”You exclaimed,letting go of it.She smiled,shaking her head. “Suck it up,buttercup.”Was all she had to say,finding your size and placing it into the fabric bag when a worker came up to the two of you. “Can I help you ladies?”He asked.You answered a wuick no but was overpowered by Sarah. “Yes,yes please.

Im thinking a whole new vibe for her,maybe like eighties meets surfing.”She tried to explain her ideas,somehow the sentence made sense in the man’s head as he guided the two of you through the store,showing you both sundresses,ripped jeans,pastel collared shirts,headbands and earrings.

He watched from a far as Sarah held up the clothing next to your body,holding others near your hair as she tried to decide on what she wanted you to try on.She decided a light yellow shirt,some light washed jeans,a pair of shorts that were dark blue with gold stars,a purple sweatshirt with the word ‘lovely’ on it,a set of cream colored underwear with a matching bra,a gold headband with flowers on it,a pair of boyfriend jeans,or as she called them,girlfriend jeans.

You didnt even give an opinion on any of the clothes she was putting into the bag,thinking about what kind of icecream you were going to get,snapping out of your thoughts when she told you to start trying things on.

She had requested that you took mirror pictures in everything you tried on and asked that you send them to her as she went to the jewelry counter,supposedly getting a spot on her gold necklace fixed.You took your time trying on clothes,trying not to become to insecure about it.

You took the photos quickly,plowing your way through the outfits,getting to the set of bra and panties.You slid on the underwear over the ones you were already wearing,seeing the sign on the dressing room wall that said not to try on undergarments on your bare body.You simply pulled on the bra over your breasts,not seeing a policy for that.

The fabric was soft and the bra held up your breasts perfectly,the cream colored lace straps tickling your skin.You snapped a few photos in the set,feeling a bit of heat rush to your face when the door opened,Sarah sticking her head in. “Are you checking yourself out?”She asked,a smirk on her face.You placed your hands over your face,laughing.

 “Shut up.”You answered,letting her see what you looked like in the set.She did indeed shut up,biting her lip as she looked you up and down. “Yeah,we’re buying that.”She nodded,asking to see the photos and closing the door behind her.You scrolled through the photos,her head on your shoulder and kissing it lightly as she looked at them,nodding.

 “Ooh that sweater is cute as hell.”She took the phone,zooming in. “So lets go look at some bathing suits and maybe get you some more bras...and then we can leave.”She grinned,gulping as she tried not to let her thoughts get the best of her.

You changed back into your normal paper thin striped shirt,shitty bra and overalls,putting the clothes back into the bag and walking back out,seeing her sitting in the chair with a grin on her face as if she knew something you didnt. “Look at how cute this bikini is!Your boobs would look good-we’re getting it.”She said quickly,putting a white one piece into the bag.

 “Sarah-this is gonna cost like,a million dollars.”You grumbled,not really approving what your girlfriend was doing.She rolled her eyes,not worrying about it as she grabbed an ash colored bralette and underwear set,finally done picking clothes for you,dragging you to the counter to pay.You werent paying attention to anything the cashier was saying,only watching the total go up until it hit the point of $830.

What the actual fuck?Sarah simply swiped her card,taking the white and gold paper bag with a grin,pulling you along as you tried to get over the fact that she had just payed so much so carelessly.You two ended up back in the car,the bag in the backseat as you were still struggling to wrap your head around it. 

“You okay?”She asked,noticing the look on your face. “You just spent an entire month of bills on clothes.”You whispered,making a smile come across her face. “That’s okay.”She answered,backing out of the parking lot and making her way to the icecream shop.

 “Do you want to go to the beach to eat our icecream or do you want to go back to the house and model for me?”She asked,hoping you’d pick the second option.You shrugged,not really caring as long as you got your icecream. “yeah,you’re modeling for me.”She decided for you,turning on the radio. “Yeah?”You asked.

She hummed in response.The drive was quiet,your chin on your palm,the cool air of the air conditioning on your skin and the hot of the sun on your arm. “I feel like Cinderella right now.”You admitted,making the blonde laugh. “What do you mean by that?”She asked,curious.

You shrugged,turning down the radio. “I mean,you’re my beautiful fairy goddess and you just bought me some kook clothes and i’m used to cooking for people and pulling weed from rich people’s gardens...its like im becoming one of you.”You mumbled,her hand squeezing your thigh. 

“You say it like we’re vampires, (Y/N).”She shook her head,pulling up to the icecream parlor,getting out of the car.You both walked up to the metal counter,looking at the menu.She got the same thing everytime.A  medium cotton candy scoop in a chocolate sprinkled cone with whipped cream.

It was colorful and over the top,just like her.You decided on a rainbow milkshake which was layers of cotton candy icecream,strawberry,black raspberry,orange creamsicle and lemon all in one cup topped with whipped cream.

After getting your icecream you two went right back to the car,Sarah playing Lucifer on her phone and placing it between the two of you as she struggled to eat her icrecream quick enough so it wouldnt fall off or melt.She rested her icecream cone in the cupholder,driving back to the house,running up to her room with you close behind her,the white and gold bag tucked under her arm.

She ate the cone,getting to the end of it when she asked you to try on the bathing suit.You rolled your eyes,stripping of your overalls and t shirt,earning a quiet whistle from her.You sent her a quick wink,pulling the bathing suit up your body,pushing your arms through,your cleavage showing. 

“Yeah,I was right.Your boobs look great.”She grinned,opening her drawers and picking out her pink bathing suit,changing into it right in front of you. “Lets go out to the pool.”She suggested,grabbing two towels from her drawer.The two of you sat in the cool water,the sun making it hard to look at. “I’ve got to get back to the house soon.”You mumbled,floating on your back.

She frowned,standing up in the shallow water. “Why?Cant you just sleep over?”She asked,not wanting you to go.You shook your head,figuring that it wouldnt be wise to spend another night. “I cant let the place get messy.”You answered,wringing out your hair.She pouted,understanding. 

“You have to leave now?”She asked.You shrugged,sitting on the steps. “Probably soon,i’ve got to check the mail too.”You replied,stepping onto the hot concrete.She sighed,lifting herself out of the water and offering you a ride home.

You said yes,giving her a quick kiss before leaving the car,your backpack clinging to your shoulders,the store bag in hand. “I love you.”She grinned as you closed the car door. “Love you too,pretty girl.”You replied before going inside your small house.It was hot,dust on the counters and cabinets.

The coolers ice had melted,leaving cans of sprite to float in the water that was left.You sighed,going into your room and letting your backpack fall onto your mattress that stayed on the floor.You took the clothes from the store bag,putting them on hangers and letting them hang in your closet,far away from the one other pair of overalls you owned.You grinned at the splash of color in your dull home,ending up falling asleep on your stomach on top of your mattress,face in the blankets you had collected over the years.

Sarah looked in the mirror at her tube top that was covering a honey colored bralette that you liked so much,a pair of white jeans over matching yellow panties that you liked so much.

She tied her hair into a messy bun,letting out a soft sigh,grabbing her keys and getting ready to surprise you at your house.It had only been a few hours but she already missed you.She jogged down the stairs quick,close to leaving when Rose interferred. 

“Where are you going?”She asked,looking at the outfit.Sarah cursed in her head,turning to look at her step mother. “Out.”She replied,not in the mood for her bullshit.Rose crossed her arms,a knowing smirk on her face. “Out where?”She pushed,acting like an annoying fifth grader.Sarah completely understood where Wheezie got it,Rose equally as annoying as the thirteen year old. 

“Out on a date.”Sarah answered,glaring.Rose’s eyebrows furrowed,surprised. “Yeah?”She asked,raising an eyebrow.Sarah nodded. “Yeah.”She repeated,hand on the door knob. “With who?”Rose asked,really testing Sarah’s patience.

 “With someone im interested in.”Sarah replied,venom dripping from her voice. “Hes got a job?”Rose asked.Sarah nodded. “Yeah.”She answered,sick of this interrogation. “What does he do?”Rose asked.Sarah rolled her eyes,nearly laughing at how clueless she was.

 “Gardening.”Sarah replied,squeezing the door knob tightly.Rose frowned,a sympathetic smile on her face. “Sarah,he’s probably gay.”She whispered.Sarah chuckled,opening the door. “Yeah,she is.”Sarah answered,slamming the door behind her.

When she showed up to your house she let out an anxious sigh,standing at your door.She had never actually been inside before,knocking gently.Of course you couldnt hear her in your sleep though.She opened the door,frowning at the built up dust and lack of color.

She found your room easily,the one room that had a door.She knocked on it,not hearing anything and growing concerned,opening it quickly.She calmed down when she saw you asleep on your matress,hair messy.She smiled,taking a photo and sitting down on the mattress next to you.Your eyes fluttered open,squinting up at her. “Hi.”She smiled down at you.

You sat up,confused.The sun was nearly completely down,teh sky pink and purple. “Sarah?”You asked.She nodded,a grin on her face. “What are you doing here?”You asked,not really understanding why she was in your house or why she would want to be in your house.

It was messy and small and you hadnt been ready for her to see it yet.She shrugged,laying down with you. “I dont know,I missed you.”She shrugged,arms around your waist and head on your chest.You smiled,kissing her head. “I didnt end up cleaning,got tired I guess.”You replied,enjoying the warmth of her body.

She pouted,sitting up straight. “Its hot in here.”She mumbled,making you frown. “I mean yeah,I dont have air conditioning so-”You stopped talking when she peeled off her shirt and shorts,leaving her in one of your favorite sets that she owned.You nodded,agreeing. “Yeah,it is hot in here.”You agreed.

@outerbongs​  @copper-boom​  @httpstarkey​ @teenwaywardasgardian @drewswannabegirl​  @simonsbluee   @jiaraendgame  @khiaraaa-in-spacee​  @on-socks-off​  @poguestyleskye​ @jjtheangel​  @dannii-li​ @lovelyelinor​​

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[tesslahey]

the long goodbye- jj maybank

pairings: jj x fem!reader

warnings: fluff, sad, smut

a/n: im not really proud of this one, but im gonna post it anyway and i might edit it later. this is my first time writing smut in-detail, and all im gonna say is i need to wash my eyes out. this is a school laptop too oops. anyway have fun! 

xoxo

-tess

masterlist

You had been dating JJ for a year. Your relationship wasn’t perfect, but it was yours and there was never a boring day with JJ. 

You and Kiara were both technically kooks, but you both couldn’t be friends with the spoiled rich kids who got what they want when they wanted it. The Pogues were for you. You guys would go on fishing trips on the HMS Pogue, have keggers at the boneyard or chill out at the chateau. Although you were only 17, you were sure these were the best years of your life. 

However, all good things must come to an end. You were going to Duke for your degree in marine biology, your dream since you were a kid. You and JJ knew what was coming. It was the beginning of august and you were leaving for school in 2 days. 

You woke up, snuggled into JJ’s chest in the guest room of the chateau. You opened your eyes and smiled as you took in the scenery. JJ’s clothes were scattered around the room with other things that he collected, being the mild kleptomaniac that he is. It smelled of him, with the slight smell of weed and cologne. 

You wished it could stay like this forever, but you knew that was unrealistic. You tried to tell JJ that you could make long distance work, and that you would come home as much as possible, but he was insistent on giving you your space. That was one thing about JJ, he was so stubborn it made you wanna scream, but you knew all he wanted was for you to be happy, which made it hurt more. 

Before you realized it, a tear was falling from your eye, thinking about all the amazing memories you had in this room. JJ must have sensed it because he shifted so that your back was on the mattress and he was leaning on his arm looking down at you. You tried to wipe your tears before he could see, but you knew it was pointless. 

“I’m sorry, this is supposed to be our last full day together and I can’t stop crying.” you said in between tears. 

“Don’t be sorry y/n/n. We have a whole day to do whatever you want.” he replied while tucking a hair behind your ear. 

The slight gesture made you feel so comforted, which is something you knew you were gonna miss. No matter what happened, JJ always seemed to boost your mood or make you feel better. 

Your favorite part about cuddling with JJ was how you guys had a routine. Every morning, JJ would roll on top of you with his head on your stomach while you played with his hair. Today wasn’t any different. As you were playing with his hair, you couldn’t help but think about who would comfort him after one of his routine fights with his dad. 

“Hey J.” 

“yeah babe.” he mumbled out. 

“You know you can always call me right.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Like if you ever need anything. Just because we're breaking up doesn’t mean I still don't care about you.” 

“Hey, hey, let's talk about this tomorrow. Today, we forget your leaving and have fun.” 

“Okay.” 

“So what do you want to do?” JJ asked. 

“Well I was thinking a boat trip, maybe takeout from the wreck for dinner and chilling at the chateau tonight.” 

“That sounds perfect.”

After a long day of tanning on the HMS pogue, fishing, swimming, and spending time with your boyfriend and best friends, you were excited to kick back at the chateau. 

You laid on your boyfriend's lap as your friends were chilling around the fire that John B made. You were all drinking cheap beer and JJ pulled out a joint. You passed it around, while your friends talked about some of their favorite memories of the summer, as it was coming to an end. 

“I’m gonna miss you guys.” you said as the weed started kicking in. 

“Don’t forget us when you're a big shot at Duke.” John B joked. 

“I’m still gonna come back for holidays, I’m not leaving forever.” 

“Yeah but who's gonna have sleepovers with me when I get sick of these weirdos” Kie joked while taking a swig at her beer. 

“Oh god, here come the tears.” You joked while wiping your eyes. JJ rubbed your back to comfort you. 

After hanging around and talking for a while, you knew you had to get home, and JJ was coming with you. 

“I have to go finish packing, but I’m stopping here tomorrow before I leave.” You said while getting up and JJ following behind you. 

“JJ why are you going?” Pope questioned. 

“I’m helping her pack.” he retorted. 

“Sure, ‘packing’.” Kie joked. You only rolled your eyes in response and went into the chateau to grab the last of your stuff from the guest room. 

After that you got into the van to drive to your house. You blasted your and JJ’s favorite songs on the ride to your house, you guys quietly snuck into your room and you locked the door behind you. 

“You don’t have to pack right?” JJ asked. 

“I finished 2 days ago.” You replied while connecting your lips to his. It was passionate but gentle at the same time. 

He led you to your bed with his hands on your hips to steady you. When your feet reached the end of your bed, you lifted your arms, and he removed your shirt, connecting your lips as soon as your shirt was gone. 

He had one of his hands wrapped around the small of your back and the other guiding his hand to lay you down on your bed. When he laid you down, he kissed down your neck, and landed on your chest. 

He untied your bathing suit top, one that he was very familiar with since it was his favorite. You wore it on purpose. When your chest was exposed, he connected his lips to one of your nipples and palmed the other in his other hand. 

You couldn’t help but let out a breathy moan while tugging on his beach blonde hair. After giving your chest attention, he kissed down your stomach and landed on the top of your bathing suit bottoms. He swiped his finger across the band of them, leaving you to arch your back under him. 

“Please JJ.” you exhaled. 

“Please what?” he asked, playing dumb to get the answer he wanted. You let your head fall back when he ghosted his hand where you wanted him most. 

“Touch me.” you moaned out. He loved to see you beg, though he would never admit it. His motions were sweet and gentle, which was unlike your normal sex. This was different. 

“Fuck- JJ I’m gonna-” Just as you were about to cum, he attached his lips to your clit, sending you over the edge. You put your hand over your mouth to muffle your moans, because your parents were sleeping. After you rode out your high, JJ brought himself up to kiss you. 

a/n: im stopping this now and i might finish it later, i haven't decided yet. I hope you like it;)

[fallingsunflower]

BESTIES I'm so sorry - I hit my post limit waaaay earlier than expected! Some of y'all joined me on my backup account, (which I also hit the limit on lmao), but I'm back now.

I had over 400 asks to go through and I'll give you a warning that not all of them will appear (either because they were old or because they were topics we already answered). But here is a giant list of asks I compiled for you from when I wasn't allowed to post lol they don't really require my response but I found them entertaining to read. Hope you don't mind I've just put them all together in one post. It's also to save me from using up my 250 posts lol

"this is all so embarrassing like my god imagine when the promotion of the movie starts how horrible it will be for other people who made the movie too"

"SELL UR TICKETS TODAY WATCH THE MOVIE ILLEGALLY, next article we’ll be talking about these two assholes filing for bankruptcy. cheap harlots. don’t mess with your meal ticket."

"hate to say it but i defs think they‘ve got a sliver of the gp’s attention for five minutes"

"I am scanning through all these photos looking for just ONE where he looks like he's smiling and enjoying this. It's so crazy."

"I guess those are all the pics we’re getting right now. But I wouldn’t be surprised if they finish the Italy trip off with one more major Backgrid photo shoot."

"Olivia’s trending on Twitter but not Harry. Like it’s obvious who’s getting the PR gains here!"

"If they dont give us a 6 month or more break after this im gonna need them to pay for my therapy bills from now on bc of this damage no joke let me crawl back into my shit hole now 😑"

"The palce they at is referred to as “tuscanys best-kept secret”. Everyone point and laugh."

"she looks like she’s enjoying all of this. he looks like he wants to push her into the water."

"a few people said he’s keeping his shorts pulled up or covered in all the shots because of the Nike branding which they ask to not get photographed. What a setup."

"Man I knew the second those Tomdaya pics came out of them kissing and how they were trending so fast that HO were going to do something to 'top' them. Its pathetic /// FRRR. she probably hoped for the positive reactions that people gave tom & zendaya but unfortunately, miss girl got the opposite. when will they realize that nobody, but his fans, find them cute lmao can they just stop, it’s so embarrassing 😭😭😭"

"He really out here doing this with someone who almost old enough to be his mother, shiiiiiiiit. Sickening. Sick of these 2 for real now, i was fine with the good old blurry back content and whatnot but this? Crossing a line here nobody wanna see that shit and knowing how people feel goooooood damn."

"I aboslutely despise kendall for obvious reason but this one is actually worse than the hendall one bc you couldnt really see as much as now dis gos tang."

"She’s also wearing the cross necklace again. I feel like if that was so meaningful to her she wouldn’t risk loosing it in the ocean 🙄"

"guys have eyes on tmz. I Do not have tw now. they were so aggressive towards them"

"I'm sorry for Harry because you lost your damn mind bro"

"Now why the hendall pics are better ?? NO SHADE BUTT"

"I’m genuine confused like do they actually want dwd to flop or what? I just threw up in my mouth I sure as hell ain’t gonna watch their sorry ass movie. Is it supposed to flop? I’m so confused!"

"The match was not interesting enough so they cooked up something different especially since people were pointing out how they staged the PDA. And the page 6 article is out already!!!"

"Who the fuck thought this was a good idea"

"Is it just me or does harry's face looks really blank for someone out on a Romantic date with his alleged girlfriend.?"

"if thats it, harry hasn’t no game🤣🤣🤣🤣"

"so this is why the tabloids weren’t talking about the match pics! they didn’t have any value on their own. now with the yacht pics? my oh my they’re gonna get the clicks of their lives. her team was prob like “wait a sec we got something for y’all”"

"If they were models hired to act like a couple they wouldn't get the job......"

"Not them starring right at the camera in some of them help make it less obvious will you"

"HENDALL🤣🤣🤣is that uuuu"

"Harry’s ass crack thought it should make an appearance too."

"What a great day for team PR, happy Monday you guys! Let's pop the champagne 🍾🍾🍾🍾 P. S. They both need acting lessons, tbh"

"It’s quite interesting how everything that’s happened before I’ve seen predicted weeks/and in advance on blogs or fan accounts. Like his life has always been so predictable but damn"

"He was hiding the Nike check. That’s why his swim trucks are rolled up to an absurd degree even for him. He knew he was gonna get photographed."

"What I’m noticing is wether people like them together or not, everyone’s saying they’re aren’t a hot couple…there was more chemistry in the Kendall pics by far"

"i also find it weird that he’s not smiling in any of the pictures and it would be one thing if there were five pics from ten minutes of time but there are like 70 from an obvious extended period of time"

"It's interesting everyone involved is being Team Try Hard. Yet the universe says no. The last set of pics, Tom and Zendaya overshadowed. People even paid more attention to Angelina and the Weekend (even if business possibly). Fast forward to today and all this fakery only for Gwen/Blake to tie the knot. His team needs to get a clue. She needs to go. Harry needs to clean this up fast."

"Ok i looked at one hugging pic and one kidding pic and they could not look more stagged. It looks unatural ,strange and weird from all angles. You can clearly see from their body posture they are posing for a photographer from backgrid."

"Like I said in my ask a couple days ago the day we get kissing pics is the day that I believe this is all a stunt and I was right. They took a page out of hendall 2016 and it’s looks so forced and awkward. Hendall did it better cause at prater they had chemistry. They must be scared this movie is going to tank because they are pushing this way too hard"

"Real, PR, or whatever relationship it is, they’re fucking boring. You are on a yacht in Italy, can’t you have a little bit of fun? I can’t believe how boring they are, I just can’t. Even if it is just PR, can’t you make a fucking dumb joke so you can laugh or something? Do they have anything in common like to talk about or discuss or make fun of? I’d literally killed myself if I looked like that in a relationship. They are not communicating in any photos we’ve got. They are just walking, or sitting. Even when they hold hands or kiss or hug, they never communicate."

"okay but did ya’ll see the pic of her diving in?? i can’t stop laughing 😭😭😭😭"

"they look horrifically awkward i cannot believe what harry is doing"

"“HEY PAPS COME GET A PIC OF US KISSING TO MAKE OUR RELATIONSHIP MORE BELIEVABLE!!!!!”"

"his ass is hanging out and her bra is almost off what in the hell"

"Hqs on a yacht like that? Mhmhmhm hmmmmm / I bloody well hope that’s not the extend of their acting. That’s dire! 🤦‍♀️"

"this is literally the most predictable “couple” to exist. first, people talked about them showing up the game, and they did. second, people were just talking about kissing pics... AND THEY JUST CAME OUT LMAOOOOOO"

"annnnnnnnnnnnnd there it is. YOU KNOW THEY KNEW THERE WAS A CAMERA."

"ok but where’s the pda or did that get made up? cause these have to be the most awkward pics i’ve ever seen which makes me feel better 😂 also i can feel the meme’s coming with the one of her diving off the boat"

"I call it how I see it they are both assholes and full of shit. Like do your fake kiss somewhere else I do not want to see it!"

"Can they at least act like they’re having a good time?"

"hahahaha I can't stop laughing with that photo of O it's literally her knowing she's being photographed and diving into a professional swimmer style😭"

"the pics are so organic that Olivia is looking straight at the pap before kissing Harry."

"he looked a lot happier with kendall in their yacht pics compared to today’s. i know that was PR too, but he was very smiley and seemed talkative. with this girl it’s like the complete opposite lmao."

[djarinova]

Hi :) I remember that my studies were a nightmare.

People always say that it's the most beautiful period of your life, that you do what you wanna do, that you meet with others who think alike... But at least for me it was bullshit. I didn't bond with people and I hated what I studied. Literally hated it. And it made me cry every time I had to prepare for tests or projects.

Yet I finished what I started (wasted 5 years) just for the sake of having a degree. Which was a stupidity. I do regret it. If I could turn back time I would just drop it and start linguistic studies instead lol.

But well... It's a difficult matter. Especially when what you are studying is demanding and tiring and boring.

You gotta try to dive into yourself a little and think if you are tired because there is so so much work to do or because you don't like the studies in general? If it's the first one then it's good to slow down and don't overwork... Getting a good grade or passing a test at first attempt is not worth being stressed out and having a depression... These are just grades after all.

Taking a gap year is a good idea if that's what you need... Maybe it would help you gain a different perspective on things that bother you? Besides you have nowhere to rush on. You can and you should take as much time as you need to make a decision that will be your own and good for you.

Remember to be gentle with yourself. It's such a common phrase but it's really important. If you push yourself too much and treat yourself harshy then don't expect that your body and mind will play along. It's okey to have doubts and be exhausted and to want to try different options...

Just do whatever brings you happiness and if you don't know what it is already don't be scared to look for it.

Take care.

hi! first of all thank you so much for sending this because its really nice to have a different perspective on this, im sure my friends and family are sick of me going back and forth and constantly talking to them about it. I definitely agree with what you're saying, my first year of uni was fucking awful, this was mostly due to the shitty flatmates I had, but this also caused me to be very isolated and literally only talk to one person (who lived a 10 minute wolf away from me) from nov - march, covid cut my first year short and I really don't know whether to be grateful or not. because im sure if it had continued normally I would have done terribly on my second semester exams and possibly dropped out then and there. :// I definitely relate to the struggle with tests, I find myself breaking down in tears almost everytime i sit down to do the coursework outside of lectures, and obviously I blame myself for that (I have not been doing the recommended extra work, or any of the weekly exercises. but that's purely because I just don't want to, I see no point in putting in extra time for something I don't like). but everytime I bring up these queries of dropping out (especially to my family) they always say 'finish the degree' 'it's only another year, you're basically almost there' and yeah I don't disagree, and it's easy for them to say it doesn't matter what final grade I get (2:2, 2:1 etc) but what would be the point. I already know if this thought of hating my degree sticks in my mind next year I will do exactly the same as what I'm doing now, putting in the bare minimum and stressing over all assignments, especially if we go back to face to face teaching. but then it's also like, what would I do if I dropped out now, as my parents keep saying I'd have to look for a job, and obviously covid has affected the job market, and I don't want a career, don't care about any of that, I think i just want to work on my art atm but who's to say that won't change and then I'll have zero passion for anything, and I'll be living at home again for no reason. I think a part of me is also nervous because of the entire concept of going back to face to face teaching, especially since I know like 2 people on my course and I still have no house for next year, but. idk. at this point I just want to give up. this would be so much easier if I just didn't exist :/ I try to not let my brain go down that route but it always ends up there anyway

thank you so much for the advice!! and I'm sorry to anyone who read this or saw it on their dash, I hope yall are well <3

[xsixxx]

Bad Influence - Chapter 10

Word Count - 5.5K

Authors Note - It's what ya'll have been waiting 10 chapters for, fingers crossed it doesn't disappoint 😂

Warnings - Filthy dirty sleazy smutty smut, language as always, angst, Nikki not giving a fuck about anyone but Nikki

Tags - Tags: @triplehaitches @freddiessmallnipples @queen-crue @scarecrowmax @lovesick-heart0 @littlesunnymoon @80sheart-strings @cranberribread @inthebackofmycarlaytheirbodies @versnatasha @zoenicoles @crazysaladchopshop @ggorehorror @lunamadhatter99 @justtryingtoovercome @chaoticvybe @you-know-im-a-dreamer @eightiesrockbaby @valentines-in-london @xrosegoldwolfx @fupatroopaa @lilypetite88 @this-blog-must-be-the-place @ashleecrue @lauravic @dark-princess99 @unknownoblivion @mgkobsessed @antheasnow

(Nikki attitude this whole goddamn chapter)

"Beth, you can't hide in your bed any longer, get up." Came Sophias stern voice as she tore the covers off of me. I groaned out loud, grabbing ahold of them, pulling them back over me, tucking it right under my chin for extra comfort.

"Leave me alone Soph, I'm sick." I mumbled pathetically.

"Girl, you can pull that shit with Paul to get outta work but I'm not buying it. You're fine, you're just feeling sorry for yourself & you need to get over it." Sophia snapped, always one for the gentle approach. She sighed as she sat down on the edge of my bed. "You can't avoid Nikki forever."

"Why would I be avoiding Nikki, I haven't done anything wrong?" I muttered, fidgiting a little & purposely avoiding eye contact.

"No, exactly, you haven't, so why are you pulling a sicky?!"

"I'm not!" I replied, a little sharper this time. "Soph look, I just don't feel well, ok? Most friends would offer to bring me soup or something, not give me the goddamn third degree."

"Fine, fine, whatever you say." Sophia resigned, putting her hands up in defeat as she rose from my bed. "To be fair to you, you must be ill because you look like shit." She laughed as I threw a pillow that narrowly missed her face. "But don't pretend like you're not avoiding Nikki, that boy has left 3 voicemails in the last week asking if you're ok. At least phone him back & let him know that the 'fever' hasn't taken you just yet." She winked as she used air quotes to emphasise her shit eating sarcasm.

"Whatever," I groaned, pulling the covers over my head, "I'll do it after my nap now can you please go get ready for work, you're gonna be late & you're getting on my nerves."

I heard Sophia scoff as she left the room, closing the door behind her as she went.

Ok, maybe she was right, maybe I had been avoiding Nikki. But not on purpose, I was actually sick. Sort of. Mentally drained counted as sick in my book.

I yanked the covers back from over my head as I let out an over dramatic & exasperated sigh. It'd been a week since I'd practically ran from the Mötley house like a scared, overwhelmed teen who'd realised that maybe they weren't cut out for hanging around with the popular kids.

I don't really know what happened & that's probably the thing that scares me most.

One minute I'm in Nikki's room, listening to his music &, I think, kissing him?

Then I was back with Tommy, snorting more lines & drinking so much I'd be surprised if there's any booze left anywhere on the Sunset Strip, because I'm pretty sure I drank it all.

Next thing I knew, there was a guy getting a little too handsy, feeling me up & trying to guide me into the bathroom with him. And what scares me most is knowing that I was definitely too fucked up to have stood my ground if push had come to shove. If Nikki hadn't have overheard & come out his room when he did, that guy could've easily snuck me away from the party & no-one would've been any the wiser.

Fuck.

I'm supposed to be the sensible one.

How had I let myself get so wrapped up in this lifestyle that is, in reality, a million miles away from my own?

I'm not a rockstar. I'm not a groupie. I'm not a party girl.

I'm a psychology student with deadlines to meet, debt to pay.

I didn't want a bad boy who'd drop me as soon as he's had his fill, I wanted a steady boyfriend that'd take me on dates, had a stable job & that my father wouldn't despise.

I had always had a plan. I was going to get my degree, have a career & a marriage & a family, maybe a dog, & be happy.

So what was I doing down this path to depravity?

I rolled over & buried my face in my pillow as I let out a exasperated groan into the soft void.

I just didn't belong in Mötley Crüe's world.

*Later*

A sudden, sharp rasp on my bedroom door jolted me awake.

"Beth, stop pretending you're sick, you got a visitor." Soph yelled through the wood before throwing the door open & shoving a slightly pissed off looking Nikki into my room.

"Sorry, late for work, gotta run!" Sophia voice rang smugly in a sing-song voice as she rushed away from my room & down the hall. I listened to the patter of her heels along the flooring, then the sound of her unlock the front door & before slamming it with purpose to announce her departure. I scowled at the space she had stood in just seconds before, mentally cursing her out.

I glanced at Nikki who had lifted a judgemental brow, eyeing up the sight of me in my pyjamas, unbrushed hair & no make up, napping at 4pm.

"Oh you because you've never woke up in worse states." I shot at him defensively, scrambling to sit up, pulling my knees into my chest under the covers. "What do you want Sixx?" I mumbled awkwardly, scowling at the wall whilst I refused to make eye contact.

"Beth, I've left you messages. What, you couldn't be arsed to pick up the phone & let me know you're ok?!" He asked sharply, his expression clearly annoyed. "I was wo-" he checked himself, cutting off the statement, but it was too late.

I smirked a little. "Nikki Sixx, were you worried about me?"

"No, I wasn't worried, I just-"

"Turns out the bad boy has a soft side." I teased.

Nikki's face grew red as he brow furrowed in frustration & embarrassment. "Oh yanno what, just fuck it, I shouldn't have bothered.." he murmured to himself, turning on his heels & walking back out of the bedroom door.

"No wait Nikki, c'mon I'm sorry, I was only joking, I'm sorry!" I called after him, causing him to stop & cautiously turn back around. "Please just come back in here." I pouted at him. Nikki's face softened & he came & stood at the foot of my bed, his fingers absentmindedly tracing the ornate bed frame.

"I'm sorry if I freaked you out the other night." I heard him mumbled quietly, almost as if he was hoping I wouldn't quite catch it.

"You didn't freak me out, it was that guy.." I trailed off, letting my eyes follow Nikki's hands that was still dancing along the footboard. "Thank you, for stepping in, god knows what could've happened if you didn't." I said quietly, finally lifting my eyes to his just in time to catch his dart across in my direction. Our eyes met & Nikki acknowledged my thanks with a little awkward nod.

"You're welcome." He replied with a little cough, trying to hide his discomfort at the whole situation. “So, um, why have you been avoiding me? Yanno, if its not because I scared you?” He stumbled.

I hung my head slightly, unsure of how much truth to share. I couldn’t tell him it was because being a groupie didn’t exactly fit into my life plan. Christ, I hadn’t even slept with the guy & I’m already getting ready to run away because he’s not marriage material. I let out a soft, unamused chuckle at my own ridiculous reasonings. “Nikki, I just..” I decided to share a little bit of truth. “I just don’t fit in.” I blurted out.

Nikki let out a short, almost relieved laugh. “What?” He asked, bemused now.

I shook my head, hearing how must’ve sounded. “I mean, I just don’t fit into your world. I got swept up in having fun with you guys, but I’m just not that girl. I don’t know, I guess I got carried away with it all.”

Nikki looked at me intently, pondering what I'd said before carefully responding. “But, you had fun right?”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, of course I did. But that’s not the point.”

“Of course that’s the point!” Nikki cut in quickly. “Beth, you were the one that told me you lived wrapped up in goddamn bubble wrap, not able to do what you wanted or enjoy yourself.”

“Yeah, but only because Daddy wanted to protect us!” I said defensively.

“And now you’re a grown ass adult Lizzy.” Nikki’s expression softened a little & he hesitantly reached for my hand. “Look, I know your dad wanted to look after you and all that, but you can’t let what happened to your mom stop you from living your own life.”

“I’m not, I just..” I let the sentence trail off. “The other night just made me realise how reckless I’m being. This isn’t who I am. The drugs, the partying, ever since I met you guys I’ve just been someone that I’m not & just think need to distance myself, ok?”

Nikki shrugged, withdrawing his hand from mine a little sharply. “I get that sometimes were a little much & we can take things a bit too far, but don’t put your twisted daddy guilt on me & my band. You chose to come to our parties, no-one forced coke up your nose or pushed you into bed with Vince, you did all that shit because you wanted to & because you enjoyed it. Look, I’m not gonna beg you to stick around if that’s what you’re waiting for because that just isn’t me. If you wanna stay away, that's cool, we'll leave you be. But for what my opinion is worth, which probably ain’t shit, I think you’re being hard on yourself. You’re not a bad person for enjoying the darker side of life.” Nikki’s voice was blunt & hard, but I could hear the sincerity in it too. “Beth, you’re punishing yourself for having fun.” He finished.

Fuck, he was right.

We sat in silence for a couple of minutes, Nikki’s words lingering in the air as I absorbed what he’d said, trying to figure out where my head was at. I knew that what he was saying was true, but that didn't give me an excuse to go out & do whatever I pleased. I had to take responsibility for my life, be sensible, make the right choices.

Right?

Eventually Nikki rose from the bed, rocking on his heels as he tried to find words to try & clear the awkward atmosphere.

“Ok, well I think maybe that’s my queue to go.” He announced, leaning in to me & giving me a light peck on the forehead. “I hope you figure all of this shit out Beth. Don’t let your dads fears stop you from enjoying your own life. Do what you gotta do, but don’t forget to do what you wanna do sometimes.” He said as he walked towards the the open door. He paused in the doorway, turning his head slightly to look at me & gave me that infamous smirk one last time. My stomach flipped at the sight. “I’ll miss ya, Lizzy." He winked before walking away, down the hallway & out of sight. I let out a breathe I hadn’t realised I'd been holding in as I heard the door open & shut, the click of the latch catching sending a feeling of regret run cold though my body.

Fuck.

I threw the bed covers off of me & ran down the hallway, my bare feet slapping loudly on the laminate flooring. I reached the front door & took a deep breathe, my mind made up as I wrenched open the door & flew down the first set of stairs, not putting another thought into what I was about to do. I ran down the second flight, almost crashing into Nikki on the landing between staircases. I didn’t give him chance to react as he spun round, about to curse out whoever had nearly sent him flying. I grabbed a hold of his face, kissing him roughly & deeply. Nikki’s body went from rigid & angry to relaxed & smug in an instant, his hands snaking around my waist, pulling me in closer as I could feel his smirk beneath my lips. He finally broke the kiss, leaning away from me fractionally to give me a bemused, sly look. “What are you doing?”

“I’m doing what I wanna do.” I quoted him as he chuckled darkly.

“Good girl.” He mumbled against my lips, those two words, mixed with the taste of his kiss making me weak. I took his hand & lead him back up the stairs, feeling his eyes trailing along every inch of my body with every step I took.

We reached the front door & I went to reach for the handle, but Nikki grabbed my wrist, spinning me back around & pushing me up against the wall. He pinned both of my hands above my head with one hand as his other trailed along my lips, down my neck and lightly across my chest. His eyes didn’t leave mine the whole time, his hungry gaze enough to undo me right there & then. He pressed his lips roughly against mine as his fingers carried on their journey down my stomach & along the waistband of the little pyjama shorts I was wearing. He let them dance teasingly along my exposed skin before he slid his hand under the fabric, stroking me on the outside of my panties.

I tried to wriggle my hands free to grab his hand, conscious of the fact that anyone could walk past us, but Nikki only tightened his grip in response.

I pulled away from his kiss, trying to ignore how good his fingers were making me feel. “Nikki, I have neighbours!” I hissed. “What if someone walks past us?”

Nikki smirked once again. “That’s the point Angel. Best keep quiet.” He winked as his fingers expertly moved my panties to the side before sliding inside me, making me gasp with pleasure.

“Nikki, c’mon, I mean it!” I tried to protest as his fingers began to rhythmically pump against my wetness, his thumb finding its way to my clit & rubbing in small circles, making me moan out loud against my better judgement.

“Nikki..” I trailed off, forgetting what I was complaining about as he picked up speed, letting my eyes close. I stopped caring. I couldn’t focus on being mad, I could only focus on him. I rocked my hips against his hand, our rhythms syncing perfectly causing new waves of pleasure that I couldn’t hide. I desperately tried to stifle my moans, but Nikki wouldn’t let me. His fingers worked faster & harder, driving me closer & closer to the edge.

I opened my eyes to see his fixed on me, his lustful gaze soaking up the sight of me coming undone in front of him like he’d wanted for so long.

Nikki smiled darkly & leaned in to me, letting his lips brush my ear lobe as he whispered “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to see you give me that look.”

“What look?” I managed to gasp between my soft moans.

“The look you give when your wet, begging for my touch.” He chuckled. “Now cum for me, Angel. Right here, right now.”

His commanding words almost pushed me over the edge & I closed my eyes once again, letting my head tilt back as I got ready to indulge in my release.

But my eyes snapped open at the sound of the door to the building opening 2 floors below. I heard footsteps begin to ascend the stairs & I wriggled against Nikki’s grip once again, but his smirk only grew wider. “Nuh-uh Princess, not until you cum.”

“Nikki, this isn’t funny!” I shot at him quickly, but his fingers didn’t stop. His thumb carried on trailing delectable circles on my clit as his fingers moved quicker inside me, pushing deeper. I listened to the footsteps grow closer as my orgasm did the same, until I couldn’t stop it. Nikki’s lips crashed against mine to silence the moans of ecstasy that wanted to escape my mouth as I came around Nikki fingers, the urgency & danger only adding to the intensity.

Nikki swiftly removed his hand from my panties, licking his fingers & winking at me as I straightened up just in time for Mrs Salvador, our upstairs neighbour, to appear in view as she made her way up the staircase with grocery bags in either hand, smiling when she spotted me.

“Good afternoon, dear!” She beamed as I smiled politely.

“Good afternoon Mrs Salvador.” I managed, still flustered.

“And who do we have here?” She nodded in Nikki’s direction.

“I’m Nikki!” He responded all chipper & pleased with himself.

“Well nice to meet you Nikki, I’d shake your hand but I best get these bags upstairs.” Mrs Salvador smiled as she carried on her way.

Nikki shot me a sly look, smirking a usual. “Probably for the best.” He chuckled back to her, shrugging as a took a swipe at him when Mrs Salvador’s back was turned.

He grabbed my waist & pulled me towards him as he reached for the door at the same time. “Now, I’m not done with you.” He growled, nipping at my neck before opening the door & pulling me through.

Now safely on the other side of the door, I felt more confident as I kissed Nikki roughly, trailing kisses along his jawline & down his neck, softly biting as I went.

“My turn.” I mumbled against his skin, before dropping to my knees without hesitation.

I unlaced his tight leather trousers, lifting my eyes up to meet Nikki’s, pulling my bottom lip between my teeth as I watched him appreciate the sight of me on my knees in front of him. I flashed him a smirk of my own & placed light kisses along the waistband of his trousers before reaching into them & pulling out his swollen member.

*Nikki’s POV*

Beth lifted her eyes to mine once again as she slowly licked the tip, teasing me, waiting to see my reaction. I let out a low groan watching her smirk & circle her tongue around the head of my cock before taking it into her mouth.

“Fuck” I hissed through my teeth a I felt Beths hot, wet lips wrap around my dick & watched her delicate hands wrap around the base, working it slowly to begin with. I felt myself grow harder in her mouth, my eyes fixated on the sight of her with my cock between her perfect, plump lips.

She picked up speed, running her tongue up & down the length of me, applying just enough pressure to make me curse again. I threw back my head & let a low moan escape me. I grabbed a fistful of Beth’s hair, bucking my hips against her as she pumped faster, using her hands to work what her mouth couldn’t reach.

“Christ, you have no idea how many times I’ve thought about fucking your pretty little mouth.” I grinned between my moans of desire. Beth looked back up at me, eyes so innocent I could’ve cum just from the look she gave me. She groaned around my cock, sucking me deeper into her mouth, her one hand finding its way to me balls, fondling them & causing me to groan louder as the pleasure increased.

I thrust my hips against her, helping her take all of me into her throat. I felt the sensation overwhelm me, pushing me closer to cumming, but I wasn’t gonna cum like this.

I put my fingers gently under Beths chin, lifting her face to look at me, her lips still wrapped around my dick. I groaned at the sight once more, fighting the urge to let her just carry on until I came in that perfect mouth.

Instead, I took her hand & helped her to her feet, running my hands through her blonde hair & kissing her before leading her towards her own room. I shut the door behind us & pulled off my tshirt before pushing Beth on to the bed. I pulled off her top, revealing her lack of bra & climbed on top of her, placing kisses lazily across he chest until my lips brushed against her nipple. I nipped it gently, causing a sharp inhale of breath from Beth, before taking it into my mouth & sucking as I used my thumb & finger to caress the other one. Beth let out a delicious whimper & I continued my trail of nipping & sucking down her stomach to the waistband of her shorts.

I slowly pulled them off along with her panties, revealing Beth’s perfect little pink pussy, glistening with her wetness. I bit my lip at the sight, desperate to taste her.

I placed kisses along Beths thighs, sucking lightly as I made my way inwards until my lips brushed against the ones between her legs. I felt her abs tense & heard her draw in a sharp breathe as her hand came down & rested on the back of my head, her fingers getting lost in my hair. I continued kissing around her pussy, making Beth squirm until she couldn’t take it anymore. I let my tongue drift towards her clit, lightly brushing over it before applying a little more pressure & swirling my tongue against her. Fuck, she tasted like heaven.

“Fuck, Nikki!” Beth called out, whimpering & moaning as I smirked against her clit. I had waited too damn long to hear her call out my name, it sounded so fucking sweet on her angel lips.

I carried on circling my tongue as I eased my finger inside her, gently thrusting it in & out until I heard her breath quicken. I let it get faster & faster, listening to her orgasm build up until her fingers started to tighten in my hair & then I simply stopped.

“Sixx, what the fuck!” Beth panted, lifting her head up to look at me. I gave her my best smug smile as I pulled off my leather pants & climbed back on top of her. I let the head of my cock rub against her clit, causing an involuntary moan to escape her mouth into mine as I kissed her.

“You can cum when I do, Princess” I smiled wickedly, climbing off of her to find a condom. I always kept one handy in my trouser pocket. I ripped open the packet & rolled it on, moving back over to Beth & flipping her over, so she was on all fours, knees on the edge of the bed, ass in the air & that cute little pussy on full display for me. I let my cock glide up & down the length of her, spreading her wetness around as she whimpered for me.

“Tell me what you want, Angel.” I teased.

“You.” I heard her whimper as her ass wiggled in the air as she tried to back herself up onto my throbbing cock.

“Uh-uh Princess. Tell me what you want.” I demanded, giving her wet pussy a sharp little tap with my hand, causing a gasp, followed by a moan to emanate from Beth.

“I want you to fuck me, Nikki!” She choked out between moans as my fingers brushed lazily against her clit.

“Ask nicely, Angel.” I warned.

“Please Nikki, please fuck me!” Beth cried out desperately “Fuck, I want you inside me.”

I teased her entrance with the tip of my cock, prolonging her desperation for just a second longer as I appreciated what it was like to finally have her at my mercy before I eased myself inside of her. Her warmth was enticing & her wetness made it easy to push my whole length deep inside her. Beths moans were fucking music to my ears as she called out my name, signalling me to pick up the pace.

I grabbed a hold of her hips, digging my fingers into her delicate skin, instantly colouring her pale skin a nice shade of purple underneath my fingertips. I grinned at the sight; a reminder for her later.

I started thrusting, finding my rhythm as our moans synced along with our hips. I started out slow, thrusting deep as Beth cried out.

“Fuck Sixx, you’re so big!” She moaned as she inevitably pulled away from me. I slapped her ass & pulled her back to me, burying my dick back inside her. I grabbed her hair as I picked up the pace, thrusting harder & faster as Beth got more comfortable, pushing her ass back against me, matching my rhythm.

I brought down a sharp slap on her ass once again as she called out my name. “I’m gonna cum Nikki!” She yelled out.

I chuckled harshly. “I told you, you cum when I do, doll.”

I slowly pulled back, almost all the way, before pushing my cock back in, hard, making her take all of me. Beth let out yell of pleasure & pain, pulling away from me once again, causing me to pull out.

I released my fingers from her hair & I lay down on the bed, motioning for Beth to get on top. She didn’t need telling twice.

She eagerly straddled me, placing her knees either side of my hips before she reached for hungrily for my cock, positioning it beneath her, sliding herself down on to me with a deliciously slow pace that nearly made me cum.

“Fuck Beth!” I called out, grabbing her hair & pulling her lips to me, tasting her sweet kiss as she slowly rode my cock.

Beth sat back up, placing her hands on my chest to steady herself as she thrust up & down on my dick. I reached my hand up past her bouncing tits to her pretty neck, wrapping my fingers around it & squeezing, gently at first, trying to gage her reaction. Beth drew her bottom lip between her teeth & gave me a pleading look that told me to carry on, so I tightened my grip, causing her pace to quicken. I groaned at the sight of her perfect, wet pussy sliding up & down my cock, bringing me closer to my release.

Keeping my grip on her throat, I rolled over so Beth was beneath me, softening my grip momentarily for her to take a sudden gasp of air. I grinned at her as she let a moan escape before my grip tightened once again.

“I’ve wanted you beneath me for so fucking long, Angel. Now, you have my permission to cum.” I smirked as I began thrusting hard & fast, bouncing my hips against hers as Beth wrapped her legs around my waist & dragged her nails down my back. I let out a low growl at the pain, squeezing tighter on her neck, leaving more purple bruises as evidence that she was mine.

I watched as her beautiful, innocent face got twisted up with sin & I let go of her just in time to hear the sound of her orgasm come crashing out of her glossy, angelic lips. Her forehead was glistening with a light film of sweat as her eyebrows furrowed & her lips parted ever so slightly. Her eyes stayed fixed on mine as I felt her cum around my cock.

I smirked as I watched her, knowing I’d caused that sinful look in her eyes, just like I’d always wanted.

I felt my own release build up as I watched Beth squirm & writhe from her own, not breaking pace or easing for a second, dragging out her orgasm.

“Tell me who you belong to.” I demanded, edging closer, groaning as the sight of Beth cumming beneath me.

“You. I-I belong to you.” She choked out between gasps & moans. “Cum for me Nikki, please.” She begged desperately.

Beths words tipped me over the edge & I buried my face in her neck as came, slowing down my pace before collapsing in a pile on the bed next to her.

“Fuck.” I whispered, letting out a low, sultry laugh.

*Beths POV*

“Yep.” I agreed, giggling. Fuck was the only word that seemed appropriate right now. My whole body felt like it was vibrating, still throbbing from my orgasm. I wriggled up next to Nikki, resting my head on his shoulder, resigning myself to the knowledge that my legs were basically useless at this point & I’d just have to call in sick again for my evening shift.

Nikki whole body stiffened at my touch before relaxing fractionally, long enough to wrap his arm around my waist, but I could sense his discomfort.

“You.. ok, Sixx?” I asked, dragging the question out a little as I propped myself up to look at him.

“Yeah, yeah, fine.” He shifted, his eyes refusing to meet mine.

I felt a knot form in my stomach as the awkwardness grew in the air. “I wasn’t that bad, was I?” I joked, half-serious.

“No, it not that doll. That was, uh, well, that was fucking phenomenal.” He laughed nervously, running his hands through his hair.

“So.. What is it?” I questioned, feeling suddenly self-conscious as I pulled the bed cover over me to hide my body.

His eyes drifted down to his arm around my waist. “I’m just, um, I’m don’t really do the whole cuddling thing after, yanno?”

I scoffed at him, shaking my head. “Christ Nikki.”

“I’m sorry!” He said, immediately jumping to his own defensive. “You know I’m not that kinda guy!”

“Nik, I put my goddamn head on your shoulder, I wasn’t asking you to commit!”

“Look, the whole thing just makes me, I don’t know, uncomfortable I guess!” He blurted out sheepishly.

I let out a short, unamused laugh. “And kicking someone out of my bed before they’ve had chance to catch their breath makes me uncomfortable, so looks like we’re both fucked here.” I snapped.

“Lizzy, c’mon, you knew what this was, you’ve always known!” Nikki looked exasperated. “You’ve seen it happen with plenty of other girls, nothing has changed.” He said sharply, climbing out of my bed & pulling on his pants.

They shouldn’t have, but his words stung.

Fuck.

“Christ Sixx. I didn’t think I was special, but I thought after everything that maybe you cared about me a little more than all your other groupies.” I spat, tears involuntarily springing to my eyes. I furiously tried to blink them away.

“I - I care about you Beth, but no. This was what it was, you should’ve known.” He shook his head, still refusing to catch my eye as he gathered up his clothes & got dressed.

I shook my head, letting an ironic laugh escape me. “Who’d have thought Vince would’ve treated me better than you. And to think I fucking hurt him for this.” I gestured towards Nikki & the bed, shaking my head pitifully. “Thanks a lot Nikki.”

His head spun to face me, his eyes finally meeting mine. “Don’t fucking blame me for what happened with you two. No-one forced you to go off with me! You made that decision on your own Princess.”

“I went off with you because I thought I was going off with more than just one mediocre fuck!” I yelled bitterly. “What happened to wanting to be the only one that has me? What happened to ‘tell me who you belong to’ just 10 fucking minutes ago?!”

“Shit Lizzy, I say shit when I’m fucking horny. What did you expect? I was just gonna settle down with you because I’ve been chasing you? That’s the whole goddamn point, its the thrill of the chase &, well..”

Tears pricked in my eyes once again & I didn’t bother to hide them this time.

“Just get out Sixx.” I ordered, bluntly.

“Princess, look, I like you, I do, but I don’t want anything more than this, I figured you knew that. I’m sorry if I confused you, I like what we had gong before, can we just go back to that?” Nikki asked softly, reaching for my hand.

“Get out of here Nikki, now!” I yelled, hot, humilIted years spilling down my cheeks as I climbed out of bed & strode towards Nikki, pushing him out of the door & slamming it shut behind him. I sunk to the floor, my bare back against the cold wood of the door as I listened to Nikki sigh heavily on the other side, before walking down the hallway, opening the front door & closing it behind him.

I listened as the latch caught once again. I sure as hell wasn’t gonna chase him this time.

[swyllh]

[wonwoo] my mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun

title: my mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun [from sonnet 130]

pairing: wonwoo x reader 

word count: 3081

genre: fluff. just. fluff.

"leav me alone," you curse, catching a high-five from vernon. it's a good pun. you've been waiting to use it since thinking it up last sunday night when you were bitching with seungkwan. 

you: 192, wonwoo: 192. boom.

wonwoo rolls his eyes. "one measly poet doesn't diminish the value of page poetry."

you scoff, "yeah it just olib-obil- fucking- oblierated your argument on publishers being gatekeepers of page poetry."

"obliterated," wonwoo corrects scathingly. that despicable raccoon. "at least it's better than not having a gateway at all."

"no, because slam is fundamentally different," you say between gritted teeth. 

wonwoo starts packing his bag. "so it's not poetry, you admit?"

god. you raise your heads to the high heavens, and are met with the questionable, green remnants of that-incident-with-jeonghan-and-seokmin on the ceiling. the clatter of the ceiling fan offers no enlightenment. why do idiots roam freely among us, you ask. brr, brr, cries the fan. 

wonwoo: 193, you: 192.

"no!" you exclaim. 

wonwoo raises an eyebrow, shifting his bag strap on his bony shoulder. one day he'll fall onto his own shoulder and puncture his huge, inflated ego. one day. "no, it's not poetry?"

"i am not conceding," you snap back.

"so there is something to concede." 

wonwoo: 194, you: 192. 

you chase after him angrily. damn long legs. he'd have been executed in some ancient civilisation for being so freakishly tall. freaking slender man. 

"poems weren't written down at first - that's an eurocentric notion that dismisses other groups of people who didn't have written language," you pause to catch for breath. 

as you amble past jeonghan, he reaches out and ruffles your head without so much as a look in your direction; your rowdy garnish arguments are a common occurrence in the east wing now. at precisely 10:14am the sounds of heavy sarcasm and undiluted exasperation ring throughout the hallway like clockwork.

"poetry came from songs, odes," you wave your hand around to gesture other unnamed synonyms. "slam poetry represents a revolution - not just because it introduces newer concerns and techniques of rhyme and rhythm, but because it is a tribute to older times."

wonwoo holds up a hand. you shove it away. "don't interrupt me."

he quirks an eyebrow. you find you have nothing else to add. "okay, interrupt me."

"as poetic as your argument sounds," he says, slowing down as you near the corner before you part, "you do realise that nobody's consciously paying tribute to the ancient origins of poetry and hymns, right?"

you roll your eyes. "even if they don't have the intent, so what?"

"so what, indeed," wonwoo echoes softly. there's got to be menace lurking somewhere in his words. 

you puff your chest out, ready to defend slam poetry's honour to the very last. wonwoo stares at you. and then his watch. and then back at you again. 

"w-what?" you say, not stuttering. "well, if they don't have the intent then doesn't it also show like, a return to some common ground? of humanity or something."

"you mean to say that slam poetry is innate?" wonwoo deadpans. "like how newborn babies come out -"

you roll your eyes. "no! i mean the rhythm. the need to vocalise."

wonwoo crosses his arms. "interruption deduction."

wonwoo: 194, you: 191.

"hey! you interrupted me earlier!" you bite back.

"technically you had nothing left to say." and then, "what about babies born deaf or dumb?"

you hate how slimey his reasoning is. there's got to be some loophole. this guy's got the soul of a lawyer but the major of an english lit. what the heck.

you huff, squaring your shoulders. "that's because you interrupted my train of thought! and about disabled babies -"

"you need to think faster," he says quickly. "what was it about disabled babies?"

... wonwoo: 195, you: 191.

you settle for crossing your arms, leaning against the wall of the intersection. "well, i concede the point about disabled babies, but only because the nuance is controversial and cannot be covered in a fast-paced environment as such."

as you finish your sentence, the bell rings. wonwoo eyes you cautiously. the rush of students stampeding off to their next class breezes past the both of you, cocooning you in a whirl of noises and varying degrees of body odour or thickly-layered deodorant. 

wonwoo leans in, and repeats a set of numbers to you. 

"...380," you echo back. 

he nods, and turns to join the stream of migrating salmon towards their final destination. advanced calculus. what a nerd. you can't believe you actually know someone who takes that willingly in the arts stream.

"...380," you repeat, walking off to your own class.

-

"so you're telling me," kimmy says, placing a hand in front of you. 

"interruption deduction," you blurt out.

kimmy retracts her hand warily like you're a particularly grotesque descendant of some arachnid monstrosity. "you have jargons. ugh."

"kinky," chan says, tapping at his game.

kimmy shoves him out of the seat. chan winces, though his fingers never leave the screen.

"freaking hell, i almost died!"

kimmy snaps her fingers at you again. "you mean to say he gave you his number after that weird mating ritual you guys went through."

you hold up a finger. "first, yes, but only to continue the argument, and secondly, it's not a mating ritual. he's wrong about-"

"but it is weird," kimmy says. "you talk to the guy you claim to hate-"

"-he's misguided and-"

"-you claim to hate," kimmy emphasises, slamming your finger down, "every. single. lit class, and it's not even for class participation."

"that's a good idea," chan says, thumbs pummelling down on his phone. "two birds with one stone."

kimmy grabs your hands, beseeching. "please just use your head and think."

-

you [1902]: http://watchtube/video_knob_poetry_seventeen+right+here_11294

you [1902]: http://watchtube/video_knob_poetry_like+ocean+waves_11653

you [1902]: http://watchtube/video_knob_poetry_twenty+four+seven_12472

you [1902]: http://watchtube/video_knob_poetry_boom+boom_18273

you [1902]: http://watchtube/video_knob_poetry_gibun+gibun+gibun_17349

wonwoo [2024]: jesus christ.

wonwoo [2045]: alright, some of them are good.

you [2046]: see??????

wonwoo [2046]: always exceptions to the rule.

you [2046]: u g h

you [2046]: are you serious 

wonwoo [2047]: i did say some of them were good.

you [2047]:  h a 

wonwoo [2047]: i never said there weren't good ones. 

wonwoo [2047]: i just said that page poetry is generally of higher quality.

you [2048]: by what standards?

wonwoo [2048]: you haven't been able to prove the longevity of any particular slam poem.

wonwoo [2048]: wouldn't you say that's the problem?

wonwoo [2048]: its circulation isn't tied to any specific culture or reinforced thereafter. 

wonwoo [2049]: therefore: oral tradition doesn't apply here.

you [2050]: ..........

you [2050]: why longevity? why does it need to be tied to any culture? why rate slam according to the criteria of page poetry?

wonwoo [2050]: that's because you haven't set a criteria.

wonwoo [2051]: boom.

you [2051]: christ.

you [2051]: brb im going to work on history essay

you [2053]: this is n o t a cowardly retreat!!!!!!!!!!

wonwoo [2053]: you said it

you [2054]: i will be back!!!!!!!!!!

-

when you join her at lunch, kimmy gives you an odd look. you respond by pretending to change tables. she holds you down.

"where's wonwoo?" she says.

you roll your eyes. "join the club."

"no, seriously," she says, angling her head to glance behind you. "where is he?"

"how would i know?" you throw your hands up in the air, narrowly endangering your cutlery. "first vernon, then jeonghan, then professor lee, then this weird guy from whatever abstract math, then-"

kimmy pulls away. "from math?"

you fling your hands out at her, smiling widely at her scrunched up nose. "don't worry. i made sure to sanitise myself after contact."

kimmy groans. "not the point."

"then?" you wag an eyebrow. "you were spooked when he started joining our table."

"yeah," kimmy deadpans, picking up her chopsticks and pointing them at you. a dribble of soy sauce falls from it. "but since then he's been coming over every day without fail to bicker with you and so i got used to it."

you spread your arms out, appreciating the space and the rare stab of freedom and uncontested territory. "and now we are delivered from all our burdens."

kimmy pokes around at her noodles. "so you don't know where he is."

"lady!" you exclaim, jabbing your fork at her fishball. "no! i'm not a wonwoo-detector!"

she pauses, ignoring your heist. "you have his number."

"yeah?" 

kimmy gives you a meaningful look. "are you going to check if he's sick?"

"why?"

you've done it. kimmy's finally reached maximum-incredulity. for a moment you feel the urge to reach over your head to see if you've sprouted extra limbs or a third eye. with the way she's gawking at you, you think you might have regressed into a blobfish.

she presses a hand to her temples. sighs, and then steadies herself. "okay. at the very, very least, aren't you going to make sure he doesn't miss anything in class."

you think about it. "he's got other friends."

kimmy presses her fingers together like a steeple over her nose. BOI. "you are his friend."

"i wouldn't say friend," you say, shuddering at the word, even as you tug your phone out. "it's more, like-?"

you choke out a questionable, questioning sound. kimmy has a glimmer of hope in her eyes before sighing it away again. 

you [1236]: hey you sick?

wonwoo [1236]: yeah, a bit.

"yeah, he's sick," you report.

kimmy chews on her noodles. "tell him about class?"

you [1238]: so for lit today we went through freudian vs feminism, as well as why slam is better than page, and the homework is reading chapters 11-13

wonwoo [1238]: nice try.

you [1239]: you're not that sick then

wonwoo [1239]: i haven't moved an inch since freefalling onto my bed at 7 last night.

you [1240]: müde

wonwoo [1241]: is that german?

you [1241]: pun.

wonwoo [1242]: if you have to explain it it's not that good.

you [1242]: precautionary measures for a foolproof pun.

wonwoo [1243]: hey i'm sick remember

you [1243]: whats new

"it's cute and all," kimmy interrupts, drawing your attention back up to her, "to see you smile like a fool, but we got five more minutes and your food isn't gonna eat itself."

you frown, hard. "not smiling like a fool."

kimmy waves you away. "just eat."

when she rises to put away her tray, you turn back to your phone.

wonwoo [1244]: mean :(

wonwoo [1245]: ?

you [1247]: gtg class 

wonwoo [1247]: oh okay bye

you [1247]: ttyl

wonwoo [1250]: thanks, btw.

you[1251]: np

-

mingyu, from his other class, saddles you with a stack of math notes. holding them in your arms feels like an allergic reaction. you follow his haphazard instructions to get to wonwoo's room.  the security guard doesn't even blink when you walk into the building. so you do. 

the dorms are unexpectedly clean. doors are plain and apparently functional, the hallway is well lit, and noise isn't much of a concern. then again, it is a school day. 

you reach wonwoo's room. knock twice. the door opens to show a young lady with a dark red lip.

"is this wonwoo's room?"

she nods. "yeah, he's sleeping now."

you notice the way she's got on a too-large shirt. wonwoo's worn that in one of your lit classes. you hand her the stack of notes.

"these are from his math class."

she takes them. "ah, thank you! is there anything you want me to tell him when he wakes up?"

"no," you say. 

the door closes on you. you look down and see a pair of black strappy heels next to plain sneakers. 

-

wonwoo [2143]: did you come over?

you [2146]: yeah

wonwoo [2146]: thanks, for the notes.

you [2148]: np 

-

the reality of things don't sink in until you're stuck in a library cubicle, knees barely brushing against wonwoo's (that giant) and huddling over the table to doodle little devils on his side of the paper. you glance up, head almost bumping into wonwoo's, and then zip back down to jot another idea. 

come to college, they said. it would be intellectually stimulating, they said.

you can't believe you're prepping for a presentation by going through all of your arguments for and against slam poetry with him. it's all chan's fault, you think bitterly, watch as he separates argument from argument with careful underlines. suggesting to actually make this class participation.

talk about exploitation. something doesn't sit right with you.

"so when we debate," wonwoo whispers, focused and oblivious. "you'll bring up this point in rebuttal to this. see how that works?"

you hum. "yeah."

"right. then for closing-"

you crash your head into the table with an obnoxiously loud slam. wonwoo flinches in his seat. the librarian narrows her beady eyes on the both of you.

"i think we'll get an a for this," you mutter. 

wonwoo looks at you, caps his pen, and leans back in his seat. 

the debate goes well. everything happens as anticipated. you're able to uphold the integrity of academic investigation. whatever that means. wonwoo doesn't interrupt you. the nuances of your arguments are spared sufficient time before their expiration. 

(he looks bored.)

but that all goes to hell when you realise the class gets to vote. you turn on wonwoo: did you know this?

he averts his eyes. a sure sign of guilt.

something gnaws inside of you, worse than that time when you found kimmy's concoction of green onions, dr pepper and baking soda. it was an infusion alright. but the smell left you retching for days on end. 

the worst thing is, you don't know why you feel this way now.

you don't know who won. everything happened in a blur and now you're stomping out of the hallway, tugging the zip of your bag close. wonwoo catches up. you walk faster.

"well, congrats," he says.

"take your congratulations and shove it up your ass," you bite back.

wonwoo holds his hands up. "what's wrong?"

you swivel to a stop, fixing him with a shrivelling glare. "leave me alone."

wonwoo backs off. you turn the corner and run for class.

-

wonwoo [1225]: hey are you alright? wonwoo [1227]: what's wrong? wonwoo [1232]: is it something i did? wonwoo [1240]: ?? wonwoo [1255]: i'm sorry? - "you look like shit," is the first thing kimmy says to you. "is it wonwoo?"

you stab at her fishball. "no."

she rolls her eyes. "i didn't hear anything when i was walking over from the north wing, so something's up."

"nothing's up."

kimmy shakes her head, placing his chopsticks down. "when you come running to my class crying, i think something's up."

you scowl at her. she winks back. and then rearranges her face to something more sombre. 

"did you guys..." she leans in. "break up?"

you swat at her. "what?"

chan slides into the seat next to her. "i've been summoned by the allusions to love."

kimmy shoves him. "just because you play love live doesn't mean shit."

to you, she says, "look. you have his number-"

"i have your number too."

she pinches your lips together. "shut up. you walk each other to the next class faithfully without fail-"

you swat her hand away. "that's because he's being a prick-"

"you have inside jokes that nobody else gets."

"that's the point of inside jokes."

kimmy squeezes your cheeks together this time. god, those hand grips are working. "when he's gone, people ask you where he is. after that debate, you came to me crying. and the best part is you let him steal your fries."

she releases her hold on you, allowing you the chance to breathe. and then immediately choke.

kimmy, satisfied, returns to eating.

"oh my god," you say, eyes wide. "oh."

"yeah," kimmy echoes, "oh."

the realisation does you no favours. "...he's off-limits. he's got a girlfriend."

chan finally detaches from his game. the whimsical sounds of squeaky little gems fade away as

he lets his character die. "what?"

"there was a girl in his room," you say.

kimmy rounds up on chan. "you never said anything."

"i didn't know!" chan protests, "i thought-"

he falls silent. you stuff your face with fries.

-

the rest of the week is horrible. you can't help but notice how wonwoo pulls out his phone, sighs, and replaces it in his pocket before shooting you looks. it sucks, really, to be so aware and want to not be. 

before you can pack up and leave, though, wonwoo strides over with his freakishly long legs. "saturday night."

you look at the pamphlet he's offering you. slam night. 

"please come," he says, exhaling slowly. "at least - consider it."

he leaves it in your hands, and bolts out of class. 

-

you hate that you're considering it. you hate that you're already here. you hate that you're still hoping. there's no reading between the lines because everything is so blurred and reckless and there is no way out of this. so here you are, sitting at the side, going to this slam because you've gone to all the other slams anyway.

"hey, you're wonwoo's friend," a girl says.

you look up. it's the girl with the red lip. "yeah."

she smiles, sitting down gracefully next to you. "that idiot said he'd be slamming."

maybe you should have gone home. out of all you'd expected from this evening, you didn't think sitting with your crush's girlfriend is one of them.

"maybe he's trying to impress someone," she continues, winking at you. "my brother can be so thick."

before you can ask her what she means, the emcee starts to welcome everyone to the event. you sit patiently, trying not to bounce your knee when the epitome of grace is right beside you.  the first few acts pass by without much enthusiasm. you shuffle in your seat. 

and then wonwoo comes up. there's polite applause as he scans the darkened crowd. he pauses in your direction, and smiles. you turn to his sister(?). she spares you an undecipherable look. 

"hello," he says into the microphone. "i'm wonwoo, and up till recently i was sceptical towards the fine art of slam poetry."

you snort. 

he continues, "but i've been converted, maybe, to see the beauty of paying tribute to the ancient origins of poetry. i'm not a poet, but shakespeare is, and he's pretty ancient as far as i know.

"so here's sonnet 130." 

[makrokosmuss-blog]

Poe having a crush on you would include...(II)

Since so many of you left so many lovely comments: here you go. Part II. Seriously. Thank you so much for those! They mean the universe. Every single one. Part II turned more into a a proper fanfic than more of a preference thing that i originally had in mind. Well. Shit happens. But since so many of your great human beings liked the first one i hope this’ll make you happy as well. The next one will be more ‘normal’ again. I still divided it into 5 minor ‘points’ tho.  Have fun! Love you.  I. Escalating when you confront him... A knock startled him. Not that it was unusual. Some unplanned, rapid mission that he would need to attend to. Not that he’d been asleep. Still he didn’t feel like going out. He just wanted to lay in his bed and suffer thinking about a special someone. Still Poe grabbed his Jacket, throwing it over his shoulders as he opened the door. The first thing he did when he saw you was blink. Once. Twice. Maybe four times (not that he’d counted). He took a deep breath in as you forced a smile and looked down, away from his gaze. Then you heard the door being shot closed.  Oh Shit, he thought. You gasped, furiously staring at the door he’d just slammed in your face. “Commander!?!”, you called after a second, shock written on your face as you knocked again, harder this time. Poe leaned with his back against the door, his heart skipping beats while violently hammering. “One second!”, he answered loudly, happy his voice only cracked a tiny bit. Fuck fuck fuck fuck As the door was opened again, he smugly leaned against the door frame, his hair a bit more tamed. Stay calm Poe, stay fucking calm. be smooth. Smooth. “What was that?”, you asked, your voice low and dangerous. I had a heart attack. THAT happened. “Hmm?”, he answered, smiling strangely. “What did...”, you gave up, taking a deep breath in and looking back over your shoulder before starting to speak up again, “You are my pilot. For the next mission. In two days.” Poe gulped. “Oh.” YES....No....shit...what? You stared at him. Blanky. Okay. He really didn’t like you. This was a bad idea. You sighted, your hand running through your hair. “Okay Listen. Poe. That’s just what it’s like now and we have to deal with it. So...”, you shook your head, frowning as you kept staring straight into his eyes, “How about we meet tomorrow evening for a quick briefing? Just. You know. Quick. Nothing serious.” Poe stared at you as if you’d just sold his droid to the next junkyard. Meet. With you. And like...talk to you. All by ourselfs. I’m going to die. I will, literary, die in front of you. Wait. That’s good. You’d had to save me then. CPR.  “S...uh...su...yeah.” he gulped again nodding. GOOD GOD “Tomorrow. 8pm. Briefing room. Great.”, you said, turned around, leaving him on his own. “Sorry to...have bothered you”, you called, sighting softly. What where you thinking? He didn’t sleep that night. Or just barely. This was a disaster.  II. Trying to ask his friends for help... “Rey!”, Poe called this as he jogged up to her. “Oh...Hi Poe?”, Ray frowned, a bit confused. She knew very well that the Pilot usually spent his free days locked up in his room, probably sleeping through it. Not being up that early, running around base. He ruffled through his hair, grinning and looking around. “I...can we talk?”, he whispered, his grin suddenly fading and being replaced by a frown. Rey frowned too now. “Sure. Yeah of course. Where? Here or-” “I know a place” Rey took a deep breath in, trying to process everything he’d just told her. They sat on top of his X-Wing, the morning sun heating the metal to a lovely degree. “Sooo...what you’re telling me is...you are head over heals for Y/N?”, she asks carefully. He laughs, wildly shaking his head. “NO. Nooee. I Mean. Not at all I....Uh...I....Totally yeah. I love her. I mean...I LOVE her. Completely. Fuck...i love her...oh my god i actually said it” Ray frowned:“You spoke to her like....twice...and the only words you said where...’yeah’ and ‘One second’, Poe.”  “Okay. OKAY. But Listen, yeah?”, he hissed softly, leaning closer to her, “I...wow this sounds scary, i watched her. Like all the time. I like ...how she talks to people and how she...how she fights for our course, how she treats BB8 and how fascinated she gets about the smallest things, how she values everyone and... and I ...may or may not have stolen some mission files to get to know more about her...”, he coughs. “POE!” “Sorry!” “But just...that’s...great okay? You’re a great guy. Just talk to her! Tonight will be great?”, Rey smiles, squeezing his hand. He sighted and looked deep into her eyes. “I...don’t know Ray. I don’t think  can.”  “If she get’s to know you she’ll love you! You’re a great guy Poe!” “But...I mean look at me. I’m...what? Yeah I’m good looking and maybe i’m the best Pilot in the whole Resistance and yeah, I DO have a nice singing voice-” “Okay Poe. Enough.”, Rey stopped him, laughing.  “I know it’s her though. I KNOW. We get to do missions and then we will...we will...fall for each other and one day when we both come home i’ll hold her hand and pull her back and we will kiss underneath the thousand stars above and then she will know too and we...we will marry and the General will be there and the whole RESISTANCE will be there and god, i want at least three kids and-” “You know...maybe....get to know her first?”, Ray stopped him, “You know it’s...easier when you are at least a bit..like..friends first?” Poe frowned. “Yeah...actually...that makes sense. Cause...Friends are like...pretty much like a couple right? I mean. Kinda. Cause...when she’s my friend she already knows that im a great guy...and all that’s missing then is the sex. But then she might be like ‘ah..no man, let’s not ruin our friendship!’ And that would be terrible. Cause....you know...as if sex would ruin a fucking friendship! Sex is like...Sex is a damn upgrade like...like extra cheese on a burger. Sex is good you know?” Rey stared at him, her cheeks gleaming red as Poe sat so close to her, talking away like it was nothing. “Uh....Maybe...i know how to help you tonight.” III. Having stupid ideas... “This is NOT a good idea Ray!”, Poe hissed as she handed him the bottle of alcohol. “Yes it is! You are a fucking idiot when it comes to her so down that damn bottle!” “No!”, he hisses again, trying to stay quiet since they where right in front of the briefing room.  “Down it or you’ll start talking about how many kids you want and how sex is like extra cheese!”, Ray hissed back and Poe stared at her with puppy eyes. “I am that bad am i not?” “You are! So down it!” You stared at the room in front of you. It was 10 to 8 and you leaned against a counter, fetching some coffee for you and Poe. You felt sorry for what you’ve done. The poor guy just didn’t like you and you forced yourself on him like that. That wasn’t a very nice thing of you to do. You sighted, looking at the black liquid. Nevermind. You just had to go through with it now. It bothered you though. A shame he didn’t like you. He seemed like a nice guy, rather funny too, handsome even. It wouldn’t be the first time you caught yourself thinking of his dark eyes. You turned to your right  as you heard that the door had opened. “Evening Comman...Are you drunk?” Poe violently shook his head. “No. Not at all. Just...”, he stumbled to his chair, rather ungracefully sitting down. “No.”, he finished.  You put down the coffee, walking over to him to put the cup in front of him. You squatted down, on hand on his thigh and one of his forehead. “Are you sick then? You don’t look very good...” “You look...abso...absolutely gorgeous tho.”, he muttered, staring into your eyes. You leaned even closer. “You ARE drunk. Sorry but i know rum when i smell it.”  Poe glanced at you. “Sorry. It was only a sip. It uh...was my free day. Uhm...A friend came over.” You stared right back into his lovely dark eyes and nodded slowly. “No problem...”, you stood up again, “I like a drink myself from time to time so...whatever you like.” You walked over to the counter, fetching a glass of water for him. “Here. Drink that. It will help. A bit.”, you smiled softly and your hands touched as he reached for the glass. His eyes locking with yours again. “You are so nice you know that?”, he frowned as he said that. “Uh...thank..you? So...about the mission...” “Mission?”, Poe asked. You sighted. “Tomorrow. But...no worries it isn’t much. You pretty much just have to...get me there and then bring us back home. I just have a few people to take out... I made out...”, you got out a map and started showing different spots, talking about what you would do and why and all he could think about how beautiful your lips where and how exceptionally good your hair looked that evening.  “You got all that?”, you asked after a while. Poe blinked and stared back at your eyes. “Yeah.”, he nodded slowly. “Good.”, you sighted, exhausted, “Great. So i’ll see you tomorrow.”, you smiled.  “No!”, Poe interrupted and you stood still, “Uh I...”, he started and you frowned, searching for a reason to keep you in the room for a tiny bit longer. . “Yes Commander?” “Nothing...I was just...it’s nothing.”, he muttered. He sounded quite sad. He slept good that night. Most likely because he fell into bed as he finally reached it, the Alcohol really kicking in now. Remembering your soft hand on his cheek. IV. Having troubles on missions... He woke up sober and to the beeping of BB8. “Woar buddy...”, he groaned, holding his head, suffering from a pretty bad hangover. That was one bottle in like 10 minutes. What the fuck was he thinking? BB8 beeped again, more aggressively now.  “What Missio...THE MISSION. FUCK.” Poe stumbled out of the hanger, zipping up his boot and dropping his jacket about 5 times along the way as he ran up to you. He still couldn’t quite believe it. There you stood. He took a while to take that in.  You where in complete uniform, all black with a rather big rifle on your back, a knife on your belt and a blaster in your hand as you nervously walked back and forth, smoking, mumbling to yourself, checking your blaster over and over again.  “You Nervous?”, he finally asked with a small smile as he approached you. You looked up at him and he swore he saw a bit of fear in your eyes. “Morning Commander. No I’m good. Everything will be good.”, you nodded. “Ahh...”, he looked down, “Sorry for yesterday. I..a friend came over and i couldn’t...i shouldn’t have been drinkin-” “It’s fine!”, you interrupted him. “It’s all good., no worries. Let’s just get this over with, yeah? I am actually nervous -  i was lying. Let’s go.” BB8 beeped softly and you looked at the droid. The rifle was placed between your thighs now and Poe couldn’t help to notice your fingers softly gliding over the metal as he flew. While he looked at you you gazed at the weapon. “So...uh...is...are you always nervous or is this mission special?”, he tried to break the silence.  “I’m always like this. I’ll just mentally run through my plan again. I’m...a woman of focus Commander. The second we’ll land i’ll be good. But yes. This mission is a bit harder than usual. Although i do have the best Pilot of the Resistance at hand.”, you spoke, smiling softly. He smiled back and soon looked away before he could start blushing. “So I...I just put us down, wait for you and...fly us back home when you’re done?” “Yes.” “Is there nothing i can help with?” “No.” “isn’t that dangerous? You going all by yourself?”

 He looked at you and you just chuckled.  “Do you...ever want to stop?”, he asks, frowning. “Not as long as i’m still needed.”, you answer. “But like...i just mean...people with your profession usually don’t get to live very long.” You look at him. “What do you want Dameron?” “I Just mean”, he sights, “Maybe your loved ones rather have you at home than you know...going out killing people who are three times your size. Always returning with a few broken bones and a concussion...”, he hisses, his hands nervously stroking the control panel. You blink. “Did you read my medica-” “NO. I just Mean it. I just...guessed you come home rather bruised. I mean...i see you around the base you know. It’s not a pleasant sight..” You stare him down. “Well sorry i’m not a pleasant sight for you...” Poe groans. “That’s not what i meant. You are a very pleasa....uh...i mean it’s just not nice seeing one of us walking around so bloodied and beaten all the time. I’d rather see you save.” “And i’d rather see you save. So what. You wonna stop flying now just because I want you to?”, you ask, staring straight at him. He stares back, biting his lip. “Okay you win. Just take care, yes?” You smile softly, shaking your head. “I will.” The landing is extremely soft. You barely feel it. He really is good.  Poe notices that you are more relaxed now. You look around, squatting down, touching the ground, looking up, noticing in wich direction the wind blows. Poe watches you, quite fascinated.  “I will be back in 2 hours.”, you start, walking up to him. He leans against his X-Wing, hands in his pockets. “If i won’t be back in 6, don’t come looking for me, go home. You hear me?” He frowns. “What? No!”. “Yes.”, you simply answer. You walk even closer to him, your hand touching his shoulder. Before turning and walking off.  V. Waiting for  you... Poe sat down, talking to BB8. It’s been three hours and he got more nervous by the minute. This job sucked. No way he would leave after 6 hours. He would rather run in there unarmed than leaving. He leaned back, laying down, staring at the sky. If only he could remember what this mission was even about. If only he had listened to you. If only... He heard footsteps and immediately shot up, looking ahead.  “You’re hurt.” It was the first thing on his mind and tongue as you stumbled up to him, throwing your rifle aside and collapsing next to him. You just fell to your knees and he had his hands on your shoulders, steadying you.  “What happened? Are you...shit you’re blee-” before he could finish his sentence your hand was on his mouth. “Shhhh.”, you whispered. “Listen. We can’t leave now. They know i’m still around and as soon they see us lifting off they will shoot us down, we will- “, he interrupted you this time as he pulled your hand away. “LISTEN, i’m the best pilot out there. You need medical attention, we need to bring you-” “I’LL be fine.”, your hands are on his chest now. “Really i’ll be fine. Yes we could go rush home but why not stay here for a while and let them give up their search. It’s safer.”  Poe frowned. “You are bleeding. You need-” “I’m FINE.”, you hissed again and only now did he notice how close you where. “Let’s...please let’s stay here for the night. They won’t find us...help me out of my jacket please...” He automatically reached around you to pull the leather off you. You hissed softly and rested your head on his shoulder. Poe took a deep breath. “Shit Y/N...”  “I’m good Poe.”, you whispered and he could feel your breath on his neck.  “Wait...i got a first aid kid somewhere in that X-Wing...”, he muttered, before softly pushing you back and jumping up.  “Thanks...”, you sighted softly and lay back on the ground. BB8 beeping nervously around you. You chuckled softly and shook your head. “I had worse Baby.” Noticing how bad his hands where shaking you took them in yours and Poe looked up at you. He nodded softly and gave the tape to you, as you continued to wrap it around your middle. It was getting dark, and you lay back after you where done, moaning softly as your body relaxed.  “Shit...what a day, right?”, you chuckled softly. Poe stared at you. He was sitting next to you. “Are you shivering?”, he asks. “It’s alr-”, before you could finish he already undressed and softy lay his jacket over you. You laughed and grinned at him.  “What?”, he asked, smiling himself now. “Nothing. Nothing Commander.”, you closed your eyes again. “Just...just call me Poe...”  You opened them again, looking into his dark eyes, a small smile on your lips. “Okay.” Poe leaned back, glancing at the setting sun in the distance. At least there was something he could stare at except for you.  VI Confessing... “So...you are a nice guy after all. Everyone was right.”, you start after a while of silence. Poe looks back at you. “What?” “I felt a bit bad that you didn’t really like me.”, you mumble, your arm lazily spread over your eyes, “so I asked a few people if that was just...you know...you. But no. Apparently you where nice to everyone else.” “Was I...was i mean to you?”, he asked, blushing softly. You take your hand back and your eyes meet. “I mean...not directly. You just...you know.” He groans softly, laying down now. “I know. I was a bit of an idiot. Sorry for that.”  “I forgive you. Poe Dameron. No matter what it was.”, you whisper. Him laying right next to you.  “Although....”, you start again, turning to look at him. He turns his head to and you stare at each other for a moment.  “Although i’d like to know the reason.”, you finish.  He frowns and sights softly. Then he looks away and sits up. “I can’t.”, he mumbles. You sit up too and he quickly glances at you as you hiss softly, holding your abdomen. “Lay back down!”, he commands, worried about you.  You smirk and shake your head. “All good. I just...”, you smile at him, studying his face for a while, “I just don’t get you, Poe. I read people for a living. But I can’t see through you.” He stares at you before looking down at his lap. “Maybe it’s better that way”, he jokes.  “You are afraid.”, you say...frowning, your eyes tracing his face, your hand reaching out to him.  He doesn’t answer. Just looks at you. His eyes half closed. Leaning into the touch as your fingertips reach his cheek , moving forward till your hand cups the side of his face, then running down through his hair to the back of his head. “What are you-”, he smiles but you interrupt him. “You are afraid of...something big. Are you afraid to die Poe? Afraid of...of that truth that...death is unpreventable and that one day...we will most likely lose to the First order. That we can’t fight forever and if we do we end up captured tortured or dead...because i am sometimes and i have that same expression then.”, you whisper and as you speak, he gets paler. Not just because you were partly right, but because you sound weaker and weaker by the minute.  And you can feel it too. You can feel your vision blur and your head spinning.

 “And...”, you chuckle a bit, looking down, your hand tracing back to his cheek, “You know that’s okay. Because...because it’s like this for everyone. Oblivion is certain and....and we’re all doomed and it’s...it’s just making me very happy to be doomed together with you, Poe Dameron.” Your voice cracks and he sees that your eyes glisten and that you still smile softly and he feels your fingers tracing his jaw. “Y/N?”, he asks carefully. And in that moment you cough slightly and he holds you because if he wouldn’t you would’ve collapsed and tumbled to the floor.  “Shhhh...it’s all good. I’m here...you need a doctor Y/N, Now!”, he hissed softly, running his hand through your hair to keep it out of your face.  “Stay awake will you? You hear me? HEY.” You can feel him softly slapping your cheek but you can also feel you loosing consciousness. “I’m getting us out of here. NOW” You hear him say and you feel him picking you up and carrying you up into the ship. “Stay with me, yes? You hear me? Uh...speak to me. Tell me anything. Stay awake!”, he demands and you hear buttons being pressed and BB8 anxiously beeping.  “Like what, Commander?”, you joke, your vision blurry, voice weak. You can feel his hand on your thigh squeezing you. “I don’t know. Anything. Tell me about yourself.” “There’s not much to tell.”, you whisper, about to slip away. He squeezes you tighter. “HEY. Stay with me, yes?” “Sure...”, you mutter. You can barely hear him by now. But you can feel your warm blood running down your body. “There is LOADS to tell. Like...Like...when you ....fuck...uhm...” He concentrates on flying for a second, looks away, types in some things and reaches over to do some more and when he looks back he sees you slipping away, your head falling back and he panics.  “Y/N! Hey!”, his hand reaches out to your neck and holds you up and your eyes flutter open.  “You with me?”, he asks anxiously. “Yeah...here Commander...”, you joke, closing your eyes again. “We’ll be there in a minute, okay? Just..come on talk to me...” You stay silent and it makes him more nervous as he softly shakes you. “Hey hey, don’t you fucking dare to die, i’m getting nervous here!”, he hisses and actually makes you smile. “I’m good Poe really...”, you whisper, trying to concentrate on your breathing, eyes closed, “You’re doing a good job, Poe.” “Uhu..”, he mutters, “Sorry i never had to help anyone not dying. I know..uh I know i should’ve gotten us out earlier. Damn. Sorry for that. I...Hey are you with me?” You hum in approve, leaned back in your seat next to him.  “Good cause...cause if anything happens to you I wouldn’t forgive myself for that stupid mistake and..over all i wanted to...”, he gulps, “Tell you that i really like you. That you’re pretty great actually.” You chuckle softly, eyes still closed. You’re bleeding all over the floor and you can feel his hand pressed against your wound, trying to make it stop.  “Nice that you noticed. Finally.”, you joke softly, coughing.  “No. I noticed a while ago. Really. I’ve been in love for you for quite som....oh shit.” Your eyes open and you snap your head at his direction. He stares at you. “Did I just...fucking say that?”, he whispers in shock, staring back at you.  “Was that why you...Oh my god...”, you close your eyes again, “This is NOT the right moment Dameron.”, you hiss, at least staying awake now. “Damn I know. I’m so sorry I know i just...i didn’t want to...”  “I like you too.”, you mutter and he falls silent.  “Really?”  “Really. You’re great.” You look at each other for a moment. “Don’t die. Please.”, he pleads and you start to laugh. “I won’t.”, “No?”. “No.”, you chuckle. “Good. Cause...you know...”  “I know yeah.”, you smile.  “Can I still kiss you though? Just to be sure i did it?” “Are you Serious Dameron?” Before you can say anything he turns to you, pressing his palm against your cheek. You stare at him in shock but he just takes a breath, leans in and you can feel his soft lips against yours.  You gasp softly before closing your eyes and moaning silently against him. He pulls back so slightly that you can still feel him against you.  “Don’t die, yeah?”, he whispers, his eyes half closed, staring into yours. “No...”, you whisper back, his thump running over your bottom lip, before pecking your lips again. “Good.”, you exhales shakily, your foreheads touching before he properly sits back into the pilot seat. “Good.”

@galactic-organa @ darknessbetweenthestarss   @bluegreyme @jessicaguerreiro07 @ heartache97 @ chupacabrachel

[rearadmiralanarchy]

Have a Gio/Mis Oneshot

Because I don’t know how vacations work :)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/14469108

Some good old meme-inspired family fun

Giorno loved his father.

Honestly, he really did, in mostly complete disregard to the multitude of what he would consider grievous shortcomings. His father was selfishly ambitious, ruthlessly cunning, heartlessly driven, and was overall charismatic and way too smart for his own good. But Dio Brando was his father and Giorno loved him regardless, as sons often do. However, he really needed his father to back off from doing that thing he always did.

The controlling and manipulative thing where he said it was for 'your own good GioGio, honest,' but it was kind of an obvious ploy to get you to do what he wanted. Signing him up for rugby (rugby!) without his knowledge was the last straw. It had taken thirty-five minutes to get his name removed from the roster and the coach was still sending him desperate emails, hopeful he would be a star just like his dear old dad and like his father. The only sport he had been interested in was tennis, scoffed at by his father, which would have been enough spiteful fuel to keep at it if only it weren't so much effort.

He was old enough now, with a stable income, almost finished with his degree, and was tired of his father trying to control every aspect of his life like he was a miniature version of himself.

Which is why Giorno was on Craigslist.

He needed something... dramatic, something shocking that would- well it would be impossible to break his father's will- but at least make him chalk him up as a lost cause (like his other three half-brothers).

Hopefully.

The best case scenario would be causing his father to give up on trying to live vicariously through him, the worst case would be Dio pouring all of his considerable resources into a reclamation effort. Giorno had a plan though, requiring just a single last cog in the wheel. Thanksgiving was a week away, and with the holiday came a traditional family meal.

'Family' in the Brando household included all four children, Dio, Uncle Diego, a few business associates, and Dio's two lovers/companions: a priest and whoever Vanilla was. This would be the perfect time to make a debacle of things, which wasn't really something he did, but if his father brought up arranged marriages one more time- this plan had to work.

He just needed to find the right person to do it with.

Hence, his excursion to the personals section, to find the right dinner guest. He'd already told his father he'd be bringing his fiance and had come up with a whole list of things sure to get his father out of his hair. After several hours of reading through posts one finally caught his eye:

"Hi my name is Mista here to offer my services this thanksgiving holiday. Do you have a family member you want to annoy? Maybe you need to come out to a parent or you just want to fuck around with your family. Whatever the reason Im your guy! For the price of one homecooked meal and twenty bucks I can:

*pick a fight with one or more family members

*beat the shit out of one or more family members indoors or outdoors

*get into a political debate (I know nothing about politics but will try)

*pretend to get smashed or pretend like Im high

*pretend we are married/engaged/pregnant

*hit on other members of your family in front of your parents

*propose in front of everyone

I am a 28 year old convicted felon with several years of jail time who can benchpress 145kg. I have nothing above a ged I got in jail and drive a loud as hell motorcycle that will make your dad both nostalgic and pull out a shotgun. I am open to both genders and am covered in tattoos and piercings. So if you need an entirely platonic person to ruin your nice family dinner Im your guy!"

He was perfect.

Giorno immediately sent an email briefly expressing his situation and requirements. As well as the kicker. Dio Brando had maybe an inkling of his persuasion towards the same sex, but still held firm that he would find a nice woman or few, maybe settle down with one for a time, and crank out a few grandchildren for him to influence since his other three actual kids didn't even inherit his hair color let alone anything else of note.

So Giorno was going to come out during the family dinner and maybe even break out the f(iance)-word to really mess with his father and his irrational fear of intimacy. He hoped the man from the posting was cute or handsome, but supposed a burly type of person would be more suitable anyway.

He didn't receive a reply until twenty minutes into his lecture the next day, surreptitiously checking his phone while the professors back was turned, to the delight of it not being spam. He requested a picture to make sure the offer wasn't a fake, which was easy and fair enough, a more detailed list of requests as well as what would be allowable in terms of what he could say and do. It was surprisingly thoughtful, Giorno assumed maybe he had done this before. As for the limitations... he really just needed his father to step back from his life, so shock value and commitment was key, he had to make his father believe he was beyond help and reason.

A picture and no limitations sent out and Giorno eagerly awaited Thanksgiving. Mista's appearance was still a mystery but he at least gleaned some semblance of what his personality was like through e-mail correspondence. He seemed like a very laid back and open sort of person, taking everything in stride.

The day before Thanksgiving, Giorno finalized his plans by buying a cheap fake engagement ring and helping Mista chose an outfit (how one man could own so much animal print was beyond him). It was exciting and nerve-wrecking all at once, and by the time the family dinner started he was ready to explode with curiosity.

Mista arrived right on schedule fifteen minutes late, a brief trio of knocks at the door and a text with 'showtime ;)'. Giorno was the one to open the door to... a tanned skin, muscled man his height and unlike anything his imagination had worked up the past week or so.

He did indeed have a few piercings along his earlobes, eyebrows, snakebites on his lips, the peeking image of a tattoo under a leather jacket and... the most gaudy clothing. A leather jacket and white and blue diamond sweater-vest over a bright orange polo, with tiger stripe pants and high white boots.

But he was handsome in a very masculine way; hard muscles and broad shoulders, short and styled hair as dark as his eyes, high cheekbones and a chiseled jaw...

He was a fashion disaster.

He was exactly Giorno's type.

Giorno was awestruck- fortunately Mista picked up the slack in time for Dio to come down the hallway in time for a "sorry I'm late babe," and for the no-longer mysterious guest with the gorgeous voice to tilt his head and plant a kiss right on the blond's lips.

Giorno could hear a faint 'wry' in the background but was able to collect himself with the kiss. Bringing his hands up to thread through surprisingly soft hair, Giorno deepened the kiss, getting a hum of approval and a higher octave 'wry'.

"I'm glad you could make it, Mista," stealthily sliding the ring box into a pocket of the leather jacket with a wink- earning a smirk in response.

Giorno turned to his father, arm wrapped around his guest, who threw an arm over his shoulder, "father, this is my fiance, Mista."

"I can see where he gets his good looks," Mista winked, unabashedly eyeing Dio up and down, "Guido Mista, you got a nice place here, pops."

He was good, Dio looked caught in a cornucopia of emotions ranging from murderous, disgusted, furious, disappointed, with a little bit of hope thrown in- he probably had a few ideas on how to split them apart. That certainly wouldn't do, and wouldn't happen, not if he had any say in it.

"Now that Mista is here, we should move on with dinner, right father?"

Dio's face twisted in a look that screamed how much he'd rather not, "yes. Let's."

As soon as Dio had turned the corner, Mista dropped his arm and quietly asked "was that all okay?"

It was so sweet, "it was perfectly fine. You are very good at this."

"Really? This is the first time I've done something like this," lightly blushing as he scratched the back of his neck.

Cute, but unfortunately he collected himself and asked "you have anything special in mind for me to do at dinner?"

"How terrible of a conversationalist can you be?"

"I've been told I range from disgusting to disturbing."

"Perfect."

Giorno and Mista sat side by side much to the annoyed eyebrow twitch of Dio and collective looks of confusion from everyone else. Father Pucci looked visibly disturbed, but it was clearly a front. Vanilla's face was unchanging.

True to his word, Mista was a force to be reckoned with at the dinner table: shamelessly flirting with Giorno's half-brother's, discussing his theory of cannibalism loudly and enthusiastically, making embarrassing noises as he fed Giorno spoonfuls of various sides (whatever matched his plate).

A part of him was caught in the sick satisfaction of watching Dio's face, the other part was relishing the attention Mista was giving him. He was incredibly observant, having quickly picked up on his facial expressions- faster than some of his family had- and able to read the room and conversation with ease. Although his topics were exaggerated and purposefully off-putting, Giorno actually found himself joining in and interjecting his own unabashed opinions, earning a pierced smile every time.

He really liked his guest, liked the way he talked and thought, liked the danger and intrigue, liked how different he was. Giorno's life was a rigid series of routines under Dio's thumb and Mista was an alluring spark that had Giorno flushing every time he was spoon-fed and cooed at, with every smile and name-drop.

He kind of really liked Mista.

He- oh right, this was platonic, wasn't it? It was all too easy and very appealing to forget that they weren't really engaged, but he might as well indulge while he could, right? So he fed Mista sometimes too, nudged his feet, held his hand, called him sweet names he'd probably never call- had never called anyone before. He was met with such positive reactions that it made him a little braver than normal, glimmers of things that made him think that maybe Mista wanted this to be real too.

As soon as dessert was served, Mista gave him a subtle wink before sliding the ring box out of his pocket.

"Giorno I- I have something to ask you," he was good, "I know I'm uneducated," Dio knew something was wrong, "and an ex-convict," but he was too desensitized, "but I... will you marry me?"

He had gotten out of his chair, on one knee, offering the ring up as everyone gaped and stared.

"Guido," smiling at the warmth in his chest and cheeks," I would love to."

Dio immediately spluttered, appalled and appealing to Giorno's rationality, Pucci loudly invoking the name of God, Diego cackling like a madman as the brother panicked. Vanilla was un-moving but seemed ready to toss Mista out on the street. If he wasn't already smitten maybe it would have worked. His pretend-fiance inhaled the dessert as Dio raged on, before eventually being escorted to the door. Giorno followed, closing the door in Vanilla's impassive face to turn to Mista.

"How'd I do? Pretty good, huh?"

Giorno couldn't help smiling, "you were the best. Absolutely perfect."

His former guest was standing very close, sliding the ring box into the blond's hands, "I really enjoyed it, doing that for you."

This was his chance, pushing the box back to tan hands (it did have his money in it after all), "would you be willing to do it again? For real this time?"

Mista looked surprised, cheeks flushing a bit, "you wanna... go on a date with me? Like, an actual date- with me?"

Giorno frowned lightly, "do you not want to?"

"No, no-I mean I- yes, I really, really want to, I just can't believe you'd want me?"

So sweet, "Mista, I'd been thinking about it all night."

"Oh... you really uh-?"

"Yes, so will you go out with me?"

"Hell yeah, uh, same time next week?"

"It's a date."

[all-ringils-blazing]

Tag Thing #2

I was tagged by @juhaku-inspired

Thaaaaank you Natasha :D Im reaaaaally bored right now and it is a decent way to spend my time. I will do the same, answer everything x’‘D

What’s your favorite flower?

I don’t like flowers that much but I enjoy the smell of evening primrose and jasmine.

What would you say is your “trademark”?

Hmm my glasses and piercings?

What’s something that fascinates you and why?

Music mostly, why? I need to explain it really? What’s more beautiful than music? Nothing can touch you like your favourite melody does !!!

What song describes your aesthetic?

I have never thought about it, maybe..... The Show Must Go On by Queen. It’s a piece that always meant a lot to me and it brings me the most beautiful memories of my times as a teenager.

What is your favorite word and why?

About word, Im not sure, but I use a lot the phrase “Άντε στο διάολο” everyday which means “Go to hell”, what I wanna say is that I use it even to scold simple objects x’D

Do you know the meaning of your name? If so, tell me!

Im not sure if it means something specific but in Greek my name “λουίζα” is a kind of herb, I think it’s called “verbena” in English or just “lemon grass”

Any hidden talents? If so, what is it?

Better keep them hidden hehehe (if I have any I hope it has to do with music x’‘D)

You’re amazing and I hope you’re having a wonderful day! Just a compliment to make your day, you may proceed now ♡

Oh thank you whoever you are :’D Wish the same fo you !!!

Use this space to say whatever you want (tell me a fun fact, something that happened and you want to share, vent, anything! Use it as you please)

Eehm...... today I finished with my exams and Im officially on summer holidays and Im very happy cause this University year was one of the worst, it was so tiring for me not only physically but mentally too.

Tell me something you love about yourself

My tolerance

What’s your Hogwarts house and why?

Hufflepuff. Because that’s what the personality test decided x’‘D

(So I guess these are the questions that YOU had to answer but anyway Im answering too x’‘D)

What’s something you ever wanted to do?

Travel too and I wish my plans for abroad of this and the next year will come true.

Do you like that crunchy part of the pizza or do you don’t eat that?

EXCUUUUUUSE ME that’s my fav pizza part !!! I steal it from my mom’s plate and my brother’s too EEEEEEEVERY TIME what do you mean IF I LIKE IT ?????! x’‘‘D

Do you have a song that you never get sick of? If so, what is it?

They are so many but I think Holy Wars ...The Punishment Due by Megadeth is one of the most important.

What question do you hate to answer?

"When are you gonna take your degree? Arent you a little late?” AT YOUR FUNERAL ASSHOLE !!!!! THAT’S WHEN !!!!

What is the most memorable class you have ever taken?

It was the lab of Power Electronics which hurt me mentally because my professor was a very demanding & strict person uuugh...

Describe something that happened to you and you still find no explanation to it.

More like why some of my old best friends stopped talking to me. Police is still searching for answers.

Have you ever had any surgeries? If so, which ones?

Only one for my teeth.

What is your favourite commercial?

A new one that’s about bank cards (who cares) but it has to do with a dog that has lost his owner and a young woman is taking care of him until they meet again and in the end, the owner of the dog makes her a portrait of the woman and the doggie as a gift.

When was the last time you went to the cinema? What film did you watch?

3 months ago? I watched Fast and Furious 8.

What is the longest you’ve been without sleeping?

I have been forced to stay awake many nights just to study. So Im able to be sleepless for more than 35 hours. My no-damn-sleep-at-all game is strong just gimme coffee.

What was the first thing you thought today after waking up?

"Fuck”

@juhaku-inspired questions:

-What inspires you?

I dont know....nothing? x’D Maybe the people around me

-What song holds the most meaning to you?

As I said The Show Must Go on by Queen & Don’t Cry by Guns n’ Roses for the same reason

-Anyone you like? (haha)

Nope I have no time for this x’D

-Favorite thing about the world?

Music? Food? Dogs?

-Favorite thing about yourself?

As I said my tolerance and patience

-Which fictional character do you relate to the most?

I seriously have nobody in mind x’D

-Favorite video game? And if it applies, favorite class to play in video games?

You already know it’s TES Oblivion x’‘D and you already know it’s Warrior x’‘D

-Reason to smile? (trick question, the answer is cause you exist & I love you muahaha)

You are such a sweetheart my dear x’‘D I love you too 💕

So it‘s time for MY questions?

1. If you were in a band, what would your role be? (Singer? Guitarist? Bassist? etc)

2. If you could have a fictional character as your sibling, who would you choose?

3. Share something in your language !!! (If your mother tongue is English maybe try something in the language you are learning or you wanna learn)

4. If you could bring a dead famous person to life, who would you bring back?

5. What’s the very first thing you do/say when you meet with your best friend?

6. If you were forced to wear only 1 color for the rest of your life, what would you choose?

My tags: @judal-is-my-spirit-animal @everyoneis-alone @xo-shahad @hyperzephyrianlives @mochibat @devilinhighheels @integrathegreat @murasakihime @vitrielle @minhyriath @repairing-shi @harmonicstupidity @luciells @kneedeepindreams

Im really sorry for bothering you with the tags these days, guys. This is a big post so you can answer only my questions or the first ones or all of them or none of them I dont know x’D

(THAT’S A HUGE POST DAAAAAAMN LOUIZA WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!!!!)

[facelessdreamer]

I’ve been feeling so lost and nostalgic lately and been so caught up in my feels that I’m always hitting the depth of my inner fucking dark sea more times than I can count now. But how can I at the very same time be so in tune with myself and where I’m at and knowing where I am also not at. Like I know everything that’s going on around me and everything that’s flying by and time doesn’t stop so I can’t pause it all for shit. But in the midst of not doing anything at all in my life right now I’m watching it all go by and also watching none of it happen also. I’m stuck in fake world I’m stuck in parts of the past and I’m stuck in the present. The present to which only I can apply a change to but I can’t say or type it in words how hard that is except feel and think it. And thinking doesn’t necessarily go down in words or pictures. Thinking is feeling like a literal feeling up in your head with fuzzy shit as pictorial and not just stuff in your body or soul shit. Due to this I can’t describe what I mean when I say things like I’m stuck but I’m not stuck. It’s a fucking catch 22, a paradox whatever you get it. But every feeling is different, so distinct to another in yourself and nobody in this entire world feels a single feeling the same way as another. You can understand somebody because similarly they can relate but really and truly our depth and feelings never truly match. We are all different and so we feel everything differently. So the shit that im going through, shit that’s happening to me? May not be down to the same degree as a bald fucker out here with cancer or some shit worse than that but, my problems are my problems. Who says the invisible shit that’s going on inside of me isn’t equivalent to cancer, or the fucked up rocky ride of an eating disorder? No matter how distinct and small my problems are they’re MY problems and to me that’s just it. It’s my fucking problems and this is how I feel, and it’s being caused by this and that and I just feel so fucking shitty because of it. And worst of all I can so help me and I can’t help me because I won’t because I don’t and because just because. I don’t even wanna say lazy, that’s like a normal 17% in anything anyone does. The rest of it is literally caused by things I can’t think of words for. And I write and I write and where does it all lead me huh? I just come back to write some more shit and im fine for a mo or not fine at all sometimes but what does it help man? Yeah I’ve let it out but there’s still so much writing doesn’t cover. We’re humans and how complex we are that on a real not all inches of us can be shown or expressed down to the grain of us. That’s pretty much why I just come to write as much as I can in words because that’s all I can do. But it’s losing its value in loopholes now. It doesn’t feel as helpful as I thought it would be in prospect to it changing my life in some way that’s more than just subsidiary

I’m so desperate to pee and my eyes are fucking watering and I never cry out loud because it doesn’t happen naturally but shit it’s night time and I come out like this. I find solace in the world asleep around me and this time to just be.. like the world has actually paused you know? But the night doesn’t last long man. It goes by 1am 2 am 3, 4 blah blah so fast bc it’s a norm for me and I have to come to this stage of finally closing my eyes and trying to sleep when I know goddamn very well it’s hours of build up to finally pass the fuck out so it’s no difference if I’m on my phone, reading or even riding a fucking horse. I won’t sleep till it’s like 8 or 9 fucking am. My life’s a fucking mess.. the messiest shit I’ve ever known man. Whys it so bad but what am I even fucking complaining about? What is actually fucking wrong? When did it really fucking get like this. Literally I know when but woahhhh it happened so naturally and was the smoothest fucking flow not even god thought he was gonna send this shit my way till he did. You see my life and you’ll laugh perhaps thinking why do I feel like this or write this shit up. I sometimes really feel like I’m faking all of this but for what? There’s not one grain in me that’s at all associated with attention seeking. I have a lowkey lifestyle and it’s what I’d always choose to stay like. And it’s not lately that I’ve been feeling lost and nostalgic. It’s been a mad while which seems like ten times more as if I never knew bliss or even remember how alright my life was before all this “feeling too much” shit happened to me. What was I before? Who was I? I remember but what the fuck i can’t accept how long ago that was. WhT did it feel like?? So consumed with all these current feelings I don’t remember what the old me felt.

And god I never finish anything. My work, my portfolio, that art piece I started, all the shows I started and never finished, things I half way wrote and said I’d go back to and never do, my blog posts, attaching gifs or images to match my text, seriously the amount of “post privately” posts I have just because they’re unfinished and not written correctly like I want so I have to fix it but I never do. Even the ones on show aren’t finished and they go down all the way to the bottom of this place and I never go down there. Its all piled up now and I never go back to anything when I want to, I plan to but I never do. I can’t say if it’s time or if it’s just me. It’s fucking both because I can work with time I just.. idefk man. I’m just sick. I’m no excuse nor do I have rational explanations. I’m just fucked. And so sick of the way I don’t do things or don’t eat or don’t sleep or edit my pictures or finally delete all this junk shit pictures I don’t need from way back or start that book I was meant to like 4 months ago or start posting on my Instagram and sorting out my file of 9k pins on my Pinterest app or start my journals and just fucking everything. I’m just sick of a million things I’m not doing that I want to and should be and I swear to you my inside cries out loud man. Internally crying because the outside can’t hack it. I’m so sick of just always writing my problems too. I just want to fucking start but start where broo? That’s just so off putting because it’s so difficult to just start and then just where to begin even? I have arms legs a mind and all this fuxking goddamn potential and I am literally so aware of how I’m wasting it. I’m 20 in almost a fuxking month and 19 has run out swiftly and all I’ve done is blink. I’ve done shit all and before I fucking know it 2019 is over. Someone help me man. Just help me. I’m talking to you bitch. Me myself. God just help yourself, please. I’m literally at fucking war with myself

[marlaluster]

emptying clipboard w items numbered

1. https://www.bing.com/images/search?view=detailV2&ccid=xkl34Z%2F3&pccid=Sh0HglLC&id=E09F738D841E95380024783953F8FC7E634EB759&pmid=F9CCAF819508EE754B6D2954F063D5B34B248D87&thid=OIP.xkl34Z_3DUTQZFicNQYsYgHaE8&q=australia+brisbane&qpvt=Gold+Coast+Australia&psimid=608031049262565445&ppageurl=http%3a%2f%2fparadiseintheworld.com%2fgold-coast-queensland-australia%2f&iss=VSI&selectedindex=6&first=1&count=35&vw=3aa0c+b0f76+ebf61+e43b2+afa49+c15ef+00440+5a936+e63c1+b1b78+7ea24+b2244+6c982+0a2a7+1d1e4+7ff9f+dccbc+43db5+d34c3+52163+0a2c918050c0e682daaf13bc94358872bf7118d94e7136d9378962adca4406b88d33b5e669e1d5c562386b1593d3200817b6b1b5d4358968378f1b920203872d91ad920e4ea30b7d7d24ae82949b164f7cb711f49216c3d3cc68443ce3a97e4e68043cd3000cec0e287e3b7b46615f486503ddaedc805245b1b4ca53760966dbeb82563a5e1d873aa0a7c57e1f8b36b60f7c5563cd3a&simid=608036619838948811 2. The devil made it so Karla is to have made a piece of foil I would reuse fall into a space on the counter that is seeming not clean, ie dirty, it doesn't really get cleaned much. It was making a sense of something happening w my vagina. And it is making me feel sticky on the bed. It is so sick n disgusting as fuck here. It is so horrible here. It is so sick n so disgusting here. It is worshiping of dire circumstances to be held onto n stuff not to be okay for everyone. Someone is agreeing in my mind as someone I'm familiar w here. He is someone who knows the person named Uncle Joe who is who is a in between person for the disability check because I'm not doing okay here w the stuff being so crazy so i asked the person to help. It is so very bad here. Here in devil land it's supposed to be that stuff like poverty n etc is not as bad here as other countries where its supposed to be worse problems supposedly w it being less developed stuff. They're called underdeveloped countries. It's supposed to have stuff like not running water n electricity n also not schools etc. But it is forced schooling here n it is really like that so people are not able to be themselves n be able to be here. It is forced even if it is home school that kids have to do certain things, so i was thinking they probably aren't so possible possibly to do something like maybe idk do something to help them not be enslaved here because when they finish the schooling they are effectively homeless or soon to be if they can't stay w their parents n they have to do something to make money so they won't be homeless n not able to survive w things they need like a home n etc, utilities. Utilities you have to pay or you can get them disconnected. They disconnected the gas at Dunston Manor when I did not pay it. It is for heating the ap 3. It's 4:16 pm. It was 91 degrees when I looked at the temp a moment ago. It was 102 degrees as the "real feel" according to the acuweather forecast that can seen on the phone w the weather screen. But I just saw a typo, really a auto change by the devil in the text below in another post of me telling about it attacking. A break here or about here, i added some stuff above. But I was going to tell about the typo. It said something like "Karla hadn't to use the bathroom". Thats not what I wrote, it was a auto change e "hadn't". It was supposed to seem Karla had not hadn't to use the bathroom. Then later in the day, not long ago the devil was making Karla get in, somehow it does something for her to arrive here as im about to do something further in the kitchen, so it did that. It's very irritating. She has to use the kitchen n so i am not able to do whatever I'm trying to do. It's a disaster that it doesn't work, but this society worships dire conditions n people not having it as something plentiful is places to live for people or accessible. It's very bad here, it's very disgusting here. It's not fit for people to live here, but they birth people here where it is not valued to have decent living conditions n the best of things for people. 4. https://www.bing.com/images/search?view=detailV2&ccid=yHKtXVkV&pccid=Sh0HglLC&id=1BE1B3A537B128121C142EB28AED51E80502E43C&pmid=F9CCAF819508EE754B6D2954F063D5B34B248D87&thid=OIP.yHKtXVkVeUlq1-px-qGPCAHaHa&q=australia+brisbane&qpvt=Gold+Coast+Australia&psimid=608031049262565445&ppageurl=http%3a%2f%2fparadiseintheworld.com%2fgold-coast-queensland-australia%2f&iss=VSI&selectedindex=7&first=1&count=35&vw=3aa0c+b0f76+ebf61+e43b2+afa49+c15ef+00440+5a936+e63c1+b1b78+7ea24+b2244+6c982+0a2a7+1d1e4+7ff9f+dccbc+43db5+d34c3+52163+0a2c918050c0e682daaf13bc94358872bf7118d94e7136d9378962adca4406b88d33b5e669e1d5c562386b1593d3200817b6b1b5d4358968378f1b920203872d91ad920e4ea30b7d7d24ae82949b164f7cb711f49216c3d3cc68443ce3a97e4e68043cd3000cec0e287e3b7b46615f486503ddaedc805245b1b4ca53760966dbeb82563a5e1d873aa0a7c57e1f8b36b60f7c5563cd3a&simid=608047696551346836 5. https://www.bing.com/images/search?view=detailV2&ccid=omwdj1Q%2f&id=9A3AF0B5C9EB8FCDC059E52D2862CEE64FED70B4&thid=OIP.omwdj1Q_IV7Q9dCIIV6FkwHaE5&q=australia+brisbane&simid=608013676153799721&selectedIndex=30 6. https://www.bing.com/images/search?view=detailV2&ccid=ODhiHy8a&id=3491611957F6BA15F963C77A873F917C7AC8EBC9&thid=OIP.ODhiHy8aN0bENf2Bc2HkIQHaE8&q=australia+brisbane&simid=608055457525992878&selectedIndex=71 7. https://www.bing.com/images/search?view=detailV2&ccid=joaLtkO%2f&id=E0E848C325A3ECB536238F6FC0651A30A9739867&thid=OIP.joaLtkO_4FZYiua35cLiDwHaEa&q=australia+brisbane&simid=608047468885904223&selectedIndex=149&ajaxhist=0 8. http://globalsalsa.blogspot.com/2012/05/play-brisbane-fun-play-brisbane-fun-and.html?m=1 9. THE OCCIDENTAL TOURIST Life in Egypt, with wanderings from the world. HOME  ABOUT  IMAGES MORE… May 20, 2012 PLAY BRISBANE: FUN AND SUN ROLLED INTO ONE Streets Beach The sun is shining, bronzed people are bouncing about in bikinis and boardies…then everyone packs up and goes back to the office. Don’t you just love a beach in the middle of the city? Streets Beach, in South Bank, has got it all: sand, palms, lifesavers and warm, crystal-clear waters. Open all year round, take a dip then coffee in the restaurant strip overlooking the lagoon. Perfect. And perfectly Queensland. Brissy loves its indie culture and two of its best-loved contemporary performing arts spaces, the Judith Wright Centre of Contemporary Arts and the Brisbane Powerhouse, oblige.  The cosy little Judy loves a spot of cabaret and shines a spotlight on local work, while thePowerhouse hosts film festivals, theatre and is a major site for the Brisbane Festival. Upcoming visitors include Henry Rollins, blues guitarist Harry Manx, comedians Judith Lucy and Candy Bowers and classical pianist Sally (judithwrightcentre.com,brisbanepowerhouse.org) Get a grip on Brisbane and its surrounds, with views to Moreton Bay, by climbing Brisbane’s architectural icon, the Story Bridge, 80 meters above the Brisbane River. If you think bridge climbs are for pre-schoolers, go one up and abseil down the pylons (storybridgeadventureclimb.com.au) If jumping off a high bridge isn’t your idea of a cool time, instead, work your photography and climbing skills simultaneously when you climb the bridge with a professional photographer who’ll help capture the panorama, using your own camera equipment. Photography climbs are held monthly (blue-dog.com.au) For aimless ambling in the sunshine,South Bank Lifestyle Markets are flush with craft, food, fashion and homewares. Open Friday evenings, all day Saturday and Sunday on Stanley St, the stalls get a decided fashion bent on the first Sunday of the month with the addition of theYoung Designer Markets, where you can buy direct from the designer (southbankmarket.com.au,youngdesignersmarket.com.au). Saturday nights in the West End get a whole lot funkier when the West End Twilight Markets are in town, with artisan stalls, providores and free music by indie performers (cnr Wilson & Boundary St, 2nd and 4th Saturday of the month, westendtwilightmarkets.com)   For the crush of your classic band pub or the roar of the latest club, you’ll be asking your taxi to take you to Fortitude Valley. The Valley’s spit-and-sawdust days are fading as the latest openings combine sexy bites with well-crafted drinks: take a look at the late-night supper club La Ruche (680 Ann St) and its neighbour theBowery Bar (676 Ann St). Veteran Cru Bar is still regarded as one of the best wine bars in town. Oh Hello! gathers all the pretty twentysomethings in one place (621 Ann St) while at ManaBar, you can drink cocktails (for the adult in you) while hammering video games (for the inner child) (420 Brunswick St).   Archive Beer Boutique Keep an eye out for Alfred & Constance, two heritage houses revamped to include a gastro pub, underground cellar and late-night dessert café by the Limes Hotel crew, opening July (cnr Alfred & Constance St). Other hotspots across the city include Woollongabba for Matt Moran’s tapas and rum cocktails at edgyCanvas, its new little sister, Public Bar & Kitchen in the CBD (400 George St) and the West End’s The End (73 Vulture St). CRAFT BEER REVIVAL Real beer drinkers, rejoice! Brisbane is enjoying a revival of craft beers, the charge is led by the West End’s Archive Beer Boutique (100 Boundary St, West End). Add to your list The Scratch for Gold Coast operation Burleigh Brewing’sMy Wife’s Bitter (8/1 Park Rd, Milton) and newcomer’s Super Whatnot’s grunged-out wine bar, which keeps Brissy brewers Bacchus on tap (Burnett La, CBD). Share  Email Post Labels: bars Brisbane family food Queensland POPULAR POSTS June 18, 2014 TRAVEL DEALS: FRENCH POLYNESIA Share   November 10, 2017 GET OUT OF TOWN: DISCOVER A MORNINGTON PENINSULA DRIVE Share   Powered by Blogger Belle Jackson VISIT PROFILE Archive Labels Report Abuse THE OCCIDENTAL TOURIST 10. https://www.bing.com/images/search?view=detailV2&ccid=YEm73PPZ&id=13D9BF235FA244512E268247760551DD539B3009&thid=OIP.YEm73PPZBe2md2vjwvCWGgHaE7&q=australia+brisbane&simid=608048396652579195&selectedIndex=121 11. https://www.bing.com/images/search?view=detailV2&ccid=d3OY4p7R&id=7F370FC5BB70B3D3649D6638AA910F8420FC4982&thid=OIP.d3OY4p7RD_vLmyWvV3wl9QHaEK&q=australia+brisbane&simid=608037788076215682&selectedIndex=123 12. https://www.bing.com/images/search?view=detailV2&ccid=wvFebhdw&id=EF1D6DF03BA4B4A16293C9789536C810BF088C5E&thid=OIP.wvFebhdwohdCGy7FFymmiQHaE8&q=australia+brisbane&simid=608055135399444637&selectedIndex=117 13. https://www.bing.com/images/search?view=detailV2&ccid=NcHgAfZT&id=45402DDB91BD721EDA698F6EBFD9668791057911&thid=OIP.NcHgAfZTyJdGBRfv5_8cvwHaF8&q=australia+brisbane&simid=608047829724498162&selectedIndex=227 14. https://www.bing.com/images/search?view=detailV2&ccid=s2twxGrF&id=6442FE4500D3256D58FB7D7C8CFCF210E3266B4C&thid=OIP.s2twxGrFVlLtmWRXtDlWIQHaJG&q=australia+brisbane&simid=608004115501942499&selectedIndex=222 15. https://www.bing.com/images/search?view=detailV2&ccid=wZQcBLdR&id=395128C6BB89D81FAD6D4F6880CBDA5FC67F940E&thid=OIP.wZQcBLdRRf9Bas2RnMjgBQHaEK&q=australia+brisbane&simid=608038952028078421&selectedIndex=233 16. https://www.bing.com/images/search?view=detailV2&ccid=rhrOKJOd&id=6041C9F6925C8162732743A8793ED7CE9C26EDB6&thid=OIP.rhrOKJOdAMqBpJJX-Tv8WwHaFj&q=australia+brisbane&simid=608017636066658257&selectedIndex=224 17. https://www.bing.com/images/search?view=detailV2&ccid=r40yW0%2bE&id=1B11C338EB780C1B0BAE3C44B2DCF8131EB23D99&thid=OIP.r40yW0-EGYX2BGsJAwn2SwHaLD&q=australia+brisbane&simid=608005322416655423&selectedIndex=250 18. lImagesVideosNewsShop How Did Chris Hemsworth & Elsa Pataky Meet https://www.bustle.com/articles/153269-how-did-chris-hemsworth Mobile · Some celebrities try to maintain the facade that they are "just like us," but wake up, sheeple, because they are certainly not. Case in point: beautiful actor and producer Elsa Pataky and her beautiful husband Chris Hemsworth… Chris Hemsworth Is Coming To Singapore For Meet-And-Gre… https://geekculture.co/chris-hemsworth-is-coming-to-singapore-for... Mobile · Get ready, ladies and gents, as the God of Thunder is about to grace Singapore’s shores. Chris Hemsworth, best known for playing the role of Thor in the recent Avengers: Infinity War and Marvel Cinematic Universe films, is heading to Singapore for a specialmeet … Videos 0:31HD Chris Hemsworth Wants To Meet Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine YouTube 1:51HD Chris Hemsworth Reveals Key to His 7-Year Marriage YouTube 5:49HD Meet Chris Hemsworth's uncanny body double YouTube 2:20HD BAD TIMES AT THE EL ROYALE Official Trailer (2018) Chris Hemsworth, Dakota Johnson Movie HD YouTube See more videos Chris Hemsworth admits he and wife Elsa Pataky can't ... www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2461732/Chris-Hemsworth Mobile · They only tied the knot in 2010 butChris Hemsworth and Elsa Pataky ... Chris, 30, also revealed ... Lucy Hale steps out to meet a pal following the cancellation of ... Chris Hemsworth opens up about life with his wife, Elsa ... www.nydailynews.com/.../chris-hemsworth-opens-life-wife-elsa-pataky... Mobile · Nov 25, 2015 · Chris Hemsworth is opening up about life with his wife, Elsa Pataky, saying he knew from the first time they met … Elsa Patayk says she found Chris Hemsworth's ... - Mail O www.dailymail.co.uk/...reveals-fell-love-husband-Chris-Hemsworth Mobile · Chris Hemsworth shows off his impressive physique as he goes ... Lucy Hale steps out to meet a pal following the cancellation of her … Chris Hemsworth Biography -Biography https://www.biography.com/people/chris-hemsworth Mobile · Australian actor Chris Hemsworthbeat out his brother Liam for the lead role in the Marvel movie Thor . Learn more atBiography.com. Meet Thor actor Chris Hemsworthin Singapore on … https://www.straitstimes.com/lifestyle/entertainment/meet Mobile · SINGAPORE - Members of the public, and not just contest winners, will have the chance to meet Thor actor Chris Hemsworthnext week when he makes an appearance at Marina Bay … Chris Hemsworth Wants Thor to Meet Up with Hugh Jackma… https://movieweb.com/chris-hemsworth Mobile · Chris Hemsworth has revealed that he'd like to see a team-up between his Thor character and Hugh … LOOK: Solenn Heussaff, Nico Bolzico meet Chris Hemsworth https://www.rappler.com/entertainment/news/203396-solenn-heussaff... MANILA, Philippines – Solenn Heussaff and Nico Bolzico are currently in Singapore where they attended a Hugo Boss event, during which they had a chance to meet Thor himself,Chris Hemsworth. On her Instagram, Solenn shared their photo with Chris… Meet a shirtless Chris Hemsworthand other rogues … ew.com/movies/2018/05/29/bad-times-at-the-el-royale-first-look-photos May 29, 2018 · SeeHemsworth, Dakota Johnson, Jeff Bridges, and more stars in these exclusive images from 'Bad Times at the El … 123 Get Try the Bing app Richmond, Virginia  · Based on GPS location · Edit location · Use  19. https://www.bing.com/search?q=chris+hemsworth+meet&go=Search&qs=n&form=QBRE&pc=SMSM&sp=-1&pq=chris+hemsworth+meet&sc=5-20&sk=&cvid=30D3294674764FAAA05063289744E243 20. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-3876494/Elsa-Pataky-reveals-fell-love-husband-Chris-Hemsworth-s-sexy-voice-telephone-met-person.html

[frustratedpeach13]

fuck you

i was supposed to go to hawaii tomorrow. and it wasn’t the covid 19 that made it impossible. it was because i broke up with my boyfriend. me. i had a boyfriend. for a fleeting second, i thought it was all going to make sense. i could see us living together, raising kids, doing it all. actually the reason i broke up with him is because i would have had to do all of the tiring boring hard stuff by myself, while he sat and watched his stupid youtube videos. for a while, okay its been 2ish months. but for a while i thought i was wrong to be mad. but im not. he wasted my time. he made it sound like he was this person that he wasnt. or he made me out to be someone that i wasnt. whatever the case. im mad. im really mad at him. he made me feel like a crazy person. like i was insane for feeling the way i did. but in reality i wasnt listening to myself. so i guess really i made myself crazy. 

all of that to say. im so freaking sick of being alone. and im sick of getting high. im sick of only feeling like myself when im high. so im done. im throwing it all away. somewhere where i can’t go digging through the trash to get it back out. im threw with it all. im tired of being a loner. im tired of having to think 10 steps ahead of people. im sick of having to wait to see if i am being to much or not enough or whatever. im sick of being the stupid little pushover that everyone gets to laugh at. im so done. im so so done. with it all. 

i finished my associates finally. but my last speech was shit. and now i have to sit and wait for the grades to be done to see if i passes this stupid class. cuz if i didn’t pass i might be screwed. that would totally suck. i just can’t see instructors failing their students during this pandemic thing. at least i tried. ya know. hopefully that will be enough. i dont even care what grade i get, i just need a 70 to pass the class. C’s do get degrees after all. well. it will happen. and if it doesn’t then bully. i did it. i did something wrong. i messed up. great. i can be just like every one fricken else. im so sick of holding myself to these ridiculous standards, which is why i started getting high in the first place. to be fair, getting high is not great but its really the way i am doing it. vaping is bad. its bad for your lungs and health and i am setting myself up for failure if i dont stop vaping. so im going to stop. im done with it. 

i just wish that i could get back to normal though. but i guess this is really my new normal. fuck all the stupid things that made me this way. fuck patrice. shes the worst fucking person ive ever met in my life. she fucking sucks. she latches on to someone and wont stop tearing them down until they are totally destroyed. she destroyed me. she took every last bit of joy and hope that i had and she destroyed it. with her fucking words. her stupid fucking face. she had a boyfriend once who hit her in the face. and i have never understood why you would ever hit someone in the face. but god. if i had the chance to punch her. really punch her hard. o man. that would be amazing. i know it wouldnt fix anything she did or said. it would probably not actually make me feel better. but god she was such a manipulative fucking asshole bitch. i fucking hate her. and ya i love Jesus and God and i get that maybe she does to but fuck her. fuck her for getting to be a bitch to everyone in the world but still get friends. but still get a life. but still gets love. shes a fucking cunt. i hate her. i hate her so fucking much and i hate her for filling me with this unadulterated hate. fuck you patrice. fuck you. 

[samanthasroberts]

Getting Sober: Redefining My Longest Relationship

Id call it time traveling. Most of the time I didnt know I was doing it until I was already in too deep. It didnt matter the day of the week or the time, or who I was with. I was just as capable of bending time alone, as I was with a handful of friends.

There was no such thing as one or two or three drinks. Just like a two headed giraffe didnt exist, neither did grabbing a couple of drinks. Its that simple. I really cant explain it any other way. My average was a drink every fifteen minutes. I never thought about that. I didnt brag about it or work towards it or talk about it, my rhythm just happened. The drink was in my hand and I drank it. I didnt think of slowing down or having an empty hand.

Id start somewhere- at an apartment or at dinner or a happy hour or on a date and Id arm myself with whatever I was in the mood for. There were the regular players: Jack Daniels and diet coke, chardonnay, Redbull and vodka, Blue Moon and those few years in my early 20s where I thought the only two drinks on the planet was a Sex On The Beach and Cosmo. Drink menus were for amateurs.

Never red wine though. It stained my teeth and lips, Id explain when asked, and respond with my quirky I only drink it alone and in the dark answer. Theyd always laugh.

For a long time the only shot I tossed back was Patron XO. Lemon drops and Kamikazes were too collegiate for me. I was smart enough to know that I always got sick after Whiskey. That was my kryptonite. It didnt stop me from drinking it again (and again), just in case getting sick was a one time thing. Spoiler alert: it wasnt.

So that was me, always, from the first time I got drunk during a party at 16 years old to my four day New Years Eve bender at age 30. But lets not call it a bender, or else my parents will worry. It was celebrating a new year with friends. It was a vacation and a belated birthday. It was me letting present, in the moment Diana take the wheel for a few days.

By the time YOLO was on T-shirts I had carpe diem booze down to a science.

It was all so normal and always OK: competing with friends how many guys we can make out with in one night (one of my favorite games), bouncing around speakeasys in the East Village, sneaking into the high end member only clubs in the Meatpacking District, 4am pancakes at a diner then going home with the cutest guy there, leaving without paying your tab, putting your drinks on a strangers tab, hooking up with your friends crush, sleeping with a guy who has a girlfriend (what, he had an accent, ok?), telling work you have a doctors appointment when you need an extra hour of sleep, telling work youre sick when youre too hungover to get out of bed, napping in the bathroom stall at work when you realize you went to work still drunk.

Theres wasnt a problem with any of this. I could go to six bars in a night and only remember two of them (seetime traveling). Others had different, less poetic names for it- like graying out or even more ominous, going black out. But lets not talk about that. Those words are scary.

It all just made so much sense to me. I had a desperate thirst for life, for new experiences and stories that were only mine and drinking was my very own special key to open that door. I dont remember being trained but I knew this truth: that I needed to drink- to have fun, to meet a guy, to de-stress, to celebrate, after a bad day, after a good day, when its more than 50 degrees out, when its under 15 degrees, because its Monday.

Its dramatic sounding, I know, but when I was drinking, like really in the middle of a good run, I was untouchable. My thoughts evened out and worries were left at the coat check. I was charming and funny. I was weightless and sexy. Nothing could ground me.

I wasnt stupid. I knew what was happening. There wasnt a river in Egypt. The biggest part was the after, when Morning Diana gradually and reluctantly pixelated back into place ready to droop down into the exorcist-like hangover.

When I was in college my hangover cure was strawberries and chocolate milk. After I received my diploma I graduated to well-done bacon, coffee, Mimosas. Water never entered the equation.

Sometime in my mid-twenties while I was gripping on to my spinning couch, I googled hangover and depression and was so relieved when I read the phrase emotional hangover. I immediately felt better seeing the feeling I felt printed on my screen. It was a relief: I wasnt alone in this feeling and it had a name. Urban Dictionary knows about it so it must be OK. Ill finish my bacon and chocolate milkshake and be just ducky.

The recovery time was always different- sometimes I could slide out of bed and be partially human the next day and other times I needed a day alone to stew in a mental playback of the night before. During those days the biggest challenge was the trek from my bedroom to couch. No matter how I recouped I never thought it was bad. I thought my friends were doing it too.

Country songs and Van Wilder confirmed for me that getting drunk and hangovers were a part of life. I never raised my hand to question it. So, about the men. I bet you thought it was hard to find a man with all this time zig zagging and space jumping but it wasnt. Lets go back ten years again and Ill tell you about all the threesomes I had. It was me, the guy, and alcohol.

It was how I flirted, played, connected, and bonded with men, always. If the boyfriend had a bad day wed start downing drinks in the hopes that hed open up and talk to me. To flirt with the new cute coworker Id suggest we play beer after work. Hed find it charming and cute and wed drunkenly made out in the corner of the bar after swapping 1st pet names and office gossip. I had a fling with a British banker off and on for 3 years and when wed meet late night hed pour us shots of tequila first. It was our thing. Our inside joke with Don Julio.We didnt know each others last names but we shared an appreciation for top shelf tequila at 3am before having sex. Im a romantic, I know.

My favorite three words when I was with a guy were Want another round?

During each encounter, each date, I wouldnt feel satisfied until I heard those words. He could shout it or whisper it in my ear, either way I wanted those words. It meant: he liked me, hes having a good time, and he wanted to keep spending time with me. He didnt want the night to end. It meant intimacy, it meant hand holding and flirty eyes and of course, sex.

I could count the number of times I had sober sex on one hand. I didnt enjoy it. To avoid it, Id explain that I simply didnt like morning sex. Most of the time Id be too hungover to move from a fetal position so it wasnt pursued for long on his end anyway. Hooking up drunk was sexy and fun. We could let our inhibitions go and really connect. Fun was had by all. I wasnt worried about any of it.

Theres unfortunately worse parts. Im not going to tell them to you though. Mostly because my mother may read this. But also because I was once told that you dont need to go all the way to the bottom floor in order to get off the elevator. So lets baby step off the lift, shall we?

I was in one of my first sessions with my new therapist when she told me I repeated the word untouchable a lot and made me explain why I thought that was a good word. (See all of the above for my response). Valentines Day was two weeks away and I was mentally preparing to be single again during my least favorite holiday of the year.

I wasnt too worried though because Id participate in my friends annual BOVD- Black Out Valentines Day. The year before included colorful fish bowls and sushi till 2am. Problem solved. I was talking but realizing more and more how much she looked like Lily Tomlin when she put a piece paper down in front of me. It was a wordy contract with bullet points in the middle and a blank line next to my name at the bottom.

I was supposed to go a week without drinking. Thats a lie. I could drink. But only three glasses of beer or wine, two different nights. If I broke the contract I had to give $100 to her. Lily was crazy. How was this legal? I couldnt do this. Fact. I shouldnt have even been there. I wanted to deal with this but apparently not by actually dealing with it. I argued with her and left the session with the unsigned document squished to the bottom of my purse. That night I didnt sleep and express ordered Alan Carrs Easy Way to Control Alcohol. Problem solved. I went out drinking all week. And I drank like no one was watching.

Then I signed the contract. And then when week one ended, I signed the next contract. Was it easy? Fuck no. Did I have to write some checks to my therapist? Yes. Did I cry? Did I rant? Did my hands and mind twitch and turn during dinners with friends as I stared at my 1 drink for the night? Hell to the yes. Most nights all I could think about was my hand stammering under the table and how much I wanted and needed another drink.

I thought of the contract and Lilys annoying face staring down at me. I thought of how I felt when I was hungover. I thought of the fuzzy nights. I thought of the fuzzy years. I cried a lot. I stayed in and watched Netflix even more. I watched Vampire Diaries starting at season 1, many times. In therapy I compared my drunk self to being a vampire with no soul. There are many different points of view on vampire rule and regulations but most of them agree that the creatures of the night have no soul. Stick with me here. In Vampire Diaries the rule of thumb is that vampires can turn this soul switch off and on. When its on they feel everything, when its off they feel nothing and become untouchable. Follow me now? The easy way to live is to keep the switch off. I did that, over and over again. I was tired of it and wanted to be in the world of the living again. I didnt decide this overnight. It took months, a lot more episodes of Vampire Diaries and most of 2015. Something weird happened around the same time I switched to watching new episodes of Arrow that wouldve really pissed off my 23 year old Cosmo drinking self- I stopped enjoying drinking.

By November I was completely sober and joined a boxing ring. I could get up in the morning and exercise. I didnt need to sign a contract anymore. I sober dated. I sober celebrated friends birthdays. I sober had a fun Thursday night. I went to AA meetings sometimes and spent most of the meeting listening and nodding my head. I was funny and smart and friendly during the day and I was funny and smart and friendly at night. I added to my own life and stopped letting drinking take away from it. I started a social group. I started a book club. I started.

Sometime between the last crippling snow storm of last year and planning my 31st birthday, I stopped wanting to go to Edit Undo. I re-entered my own life. I went through those years and theyre a part of me for worse or worser. I went through it before knowing there was another side. I hit my rock bottoms (yes, there was more than one). Im still learning how to talk about it- what I want to say about it and to who. But the further I get from the person I was then, the more I like who Im turning into now. But letting go of her seemed like an impossible ask that the tiny tired voice deep inside me was begging for.

If I stopped drinking Id lose all of me, not just a part. I was terrified as if I was going to lose a limb or my hearing. My life would be filled withwhat? Id have no buoy or security blanket or man behind the curtain. Id be dry, unfilled, just curved edges and rims. The thought paralyzed me.

Now, Im at this other side. Im still learning what this other side is like and who I am in it. But I do know this- Im more now than I was before. Im more me and more strong and more present. I feel more and I listen to me more.

Days are now broken up between feeling this raw, strength of life and connection to people and namastes and really fantastic Im part of the universe and not from vibes to a total, giant uncertainty and instability, and anger and exhaustion. I never knew I could get tired of feelings. Weve moved in together, you see. We wake up together and go to bed together and they insist on forming an invisible fanny pack around my waist during the day. Hello intimacy, party of two. Theyre normally the big spoon. My thoughts continue from one moment to the next and connect without taking breaks. I had years and years of turning myself on and off and more off and now I just want to be on.

I wish I could say that when I wake up sober now, Im not depressed anymore or lonely, my friends became better friends, I became the perfect best friend, sister and daughter, and my love life came together Prince Charming Cinderella style. But becoming more sober didnt mean everything clicked into place, it just means I see the pieces more clearly and I dont hide from the messy parts.

So now whatdo I become resentful and guilty and depressed thinking about the years I spent avoiding intimacy and feelings and honesty and fuck, concrete memories? Do I think those years dont count? Do I blame my bad habits on the constant excess of New York City? Do I blame the alcoholic-like attributes that run in my blood line? Do I blame my friends? Or the work hard play hard Don Draper industry I work in? Do I blame shitty men boys?

Yes, to all of the above. I point the finger at all of them and then back at me, and then at them and back at me. Lily says hi.

Ive had men yell at me, not being able to grasp the idea of my moderated drinking habits, insisting that Im just pretending I dont drink because I wanted them to buy me drinks. I dont get it either. No means no guys. My friendships have changed, my god have my friendships changed. One friend who pre-games with a bottle of wine (a standard respectable approach I once followed), on multiple occasions, dumped her wine into my water when she realized I wasnt drunk like she was. Yeah, I dont spend time with her anymore.

I went sixty days without drinking before I decided to drink again. For me it was like breaking up with a boyfriend and then meeting up again two months later. Never a good idea. Youll never want to be just friends who catch every up every now and then. I drank Vueve Clicquot and it didnt make the night better but it didnt make it worse. I didnt gray out. I didnt break down. That night isnt fuzzy. I could wake up in the morning.

Theres been other times when I drank recently and couldnt move far from the couch. Those times are a quick, slap in the face of what not to do. But old feelings and doubts still come flooding back in. Will I always want another drink? Why cant I just stay sober? Why does everyone make it look so easy? Is my therapist actually Lily Tomlin?

Deep down I know the majority of my problems start and stop with alcohol. Drinking will always be a part of my life whether Im drinking or not. Itd be easier to figure out if I wasnt both the variable and constant in this little conundrum of mine.

Today, I stare all the feels in the face, and make sure they know the last sixteen years matter but the last thirteen months matter even more. Im not her anymore, Im a different, more me now.

Im not 100% sober and I dont know if I ever will be. One day, maybe sooner rather than later, I could decide to sign up for a sober lifestyle again. But right now, I cant imagine midnight on New Years Eve without a champagne toast. I can do without five toasts but one still feels OK to me. So yeahmy relationship with drinking? We file it under Its complicated.

The good news is, Ive learned how to unwind on a Friday night without the trifecta of a bottle of wine, pizza and Netflix. My secret is just pizza and Netflix.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/11/13/getting-sober-redefining-my-longest-relationship/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/11/13/getting-sober-redefining-my-longest-relationship/