#i need to stop making myself cry after midnight but i’m literally so emotional rn i just watched their killing voice

[ashmp3]

MY PRETTY WOMEN ILY KARA YOU WILL ALWAYS BE FAMOUSSSS

[koishua]

it's ranting into the online abyss at midnight time. pt 2 to "things i never got to tell my shrink because i don't have one yet" except this time, i do, but it's still awkward with her, so I'm info-dumping here instead, because i am afraid of annoying someone by directly messaging them to talk about things

tw: mentions of death and panic attacks ig

attachment issues... except it's reversed.

call me heartless, i really do not give a shit. i have never missed anybody since I was the age of eleven. never got attached to anybody, couldn't care less if they suddenly up and left far away yada yada.

i really do not care.

i think it stems from the fact that i have changed schools yearly. every year a new city/country and after some point around sixth grade... idk maybe i kinda stopped caring about the ppl i have left behind??

not to sound rude and narcissistic or anything, but i don't care about any of you. my friends cried over me leaving every time and i just- idk my last impression on them was probably ruthless, bc i just... didn't say goodbye BC I couldn't be bothered to?

I had a good time with you, but a few months will pass and I WILL forget your name and face. gone. proof. nada. you don't exist anymore.

also, what annoys me is the fact that I've probably made over a hundred 'friends'/acquaintances by now and each time I leave the class, it feels like I am obligated to remember each and every classmate and meanwhile, all they have to do is remember one girl.

idk that always pisses me off out of nowhere. it's the guilt. meh. I'm NOT obligated to remember y'all's faces while all 100 of you get to just remember one name/face.

does that even make sense?

anyways.

my point is, to hell with friends.

why tf do people even need em anyways. they never ever last longer than nine months for me. why bother lmfao

and that, my people, is where my detachment issues come from beautifully.

also... empathy/sympathy??? where did THOSE fly off to?? like, besties, a woman is crying over her ex lover here. why are you just staring blankly there?? my heart hasn't ached for someone i know in years lmao

there are worse fucking problems in the world. chin up and take it you weak shit.

this applies to myself as well, like, why TF you getting panic attacks over grades you dipshit? babies are dying out there over nothing and dropping because of malnourishment and literal fucking war.

you don't get to cry, vera. suck it up and move on, woman. your life ain't some dramatic movie and you literally don't matter. no one will remember you after you die and you are so privileged like?? you have a solid nice house, nice car, nice food... who cares if you're mad or mentally unstable??

smile to boost your own serotonin levels by yourself and move. on. with. the . show.

and then another thought hits me.... why do i feel sad for people who have worse mental illnesses than I do and like, ???? she has it worse, he has it worse, your emotions don't really matter rn because she/he/they have it worse.

does anyone else feel that too?? probably a shit ton of you lmfao istg-

[jiminsfault]

Tag game!

I was tagged by @gallhali tysm bby I missed doing these tag things uwu

- Nickname(s): fee

- Bias: Taehyung! but Jungkook, Yoongi and Namjoon are trying to break us apart :(

- Blood type: the real question is who tf knows their blood type??

- Favorite food: nOOdles

- Birthday: sept 29 uwu

- Zodiac: Libra and it really fucken shows

- Pronouns: she/her

- Hair length: when it’s wet around my hips but my curls make it be around my boobs :/

- Height: about like... 160 cm/ 5″3,,, haven’t measured myself in a while

- A crush: nO sadly not someone make me fall in love pls

- What do you like about yourself: [awkward silence]

- Left or right handed: right handed but I swear I’m currently trying to use my left hand equally well just to weird ppl out (it’s not going well thanks for asking)

- List of 3 favourites colours: yellow, purple and maybe blue?

- (Right now) eating: the only thing I ate was leftovers from yesterday and it’s literally about 9pm now

- (Right now) drinking: Water. Always water.

- I’m about to: probably sleep tbh :/ if I can

- Listening to: rn nothing but black swan is stuck in my head and on replay

- Kids: idk if I should trust myself to raise up a person honestly, shit would be chaotic

- Get married: if someone would fucken love me maybe so

- Recent phone call: I literally never get any calls and tbh I’m sad about it :( 

- (Have u ever) dated someone twice: nO

- Been cheated on: I have the feeling yeah but no facts

- Kissed someone and regretted it: big yes omg I was drunk and regretted many things from that night

- Lost someone special: yeah

- Been depressed: my mood always comes and goes in waves so when I’m sad I’m sAd sad,,, so yeah

- Been drunk and thrown up: I’ve never had to throw up when I got drunk, maybe cuz I’m such a lightweight fejfjew

- Had glasses or contacts: both, currently only using my contacts tho bc I need new glasses 

- Had sex on the first date: nO

- Broken someone’s heart: maybe so? at least not on purpose 

- Turned someone down: yeaaahhhhhh

- Cried when someone died: honestly I don’t think so? 

- Fallen for a friend: sO much which fucking hurts because my friends always start to hate me after like a year? so ://

- (In the last year) have you made a new friend: yes

- Laughed until you cried: no sadly not I think

- Met someone who changed you: I met a lot of people who have a little influence on me but since two years no one changed me completely

- Found out who your true friends are: idk, maybe

- Found out someone was talking about you: yeah a hell of a lot of people did, just stuck up ppl from high school who never liked me tho so its g

- Lips or eyes: neither are things I care about a lot but if I had to choose eyes, it’s really great to be able to look at ppls eyes when talking to them

- Hugs or kisses: physical affection in general would be crispy right about now

- Romantic or spontaneous: as a libra I’m forced to say romantic, also I fucking hate spontaneous things most of the time 

- Hookup or relationship: relationship for suuure my heart’s too weak for casual shit

- First best friend: I never have had a best friend like when I’m also their best friend 

- Surgery: never had any, thank the lord

- Sports I joined: I used to do gymnastic stuff when I was smaller but ever since I’ve been older I only did sport stuff at home

- Do u believe in urself: sometimes yes, sometimes no

- Miracles: no

- Love at first sight: no but,,, that could change

- Heaven: no

- Do you have any pets: my family has fishes and a cat that overtime grew to be more my cat but don’t tell my mom,,,, I also have a hamster uwu

- Do you want to change your name: legit sometimes wanna do that but I wouldn’t know into which name??

- What did u do for your last birthday: I went to the cinema to see a movie with a friend I’m not rly talking to anymore and another friend I barely talk to soo,,,, thats,,,, yeah

- What time did u wake up today: 9.30am or sumn

- What were you doing last night at midnight: not to be emo on main but I was crying myself a river babey

- Something i can’t wait for: my stomach to stop hurting would be fuckEn nicE bro

- Last time i saw my mum: like ten minutes ago

- What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: I’d really want to be one of those ppl who dont give a shit about anything like ppl not liking them? don’t care, ppl not talking to them? don’t care. Just not being so anxious and shy all the time and being able to portray emotions would be great too. Just generally growing up somewhere else with other people around me and not loving sweets and snacks as much as I do gOddAmmnnn

Tagging: everyone who wants to do dissss,,,,, Im not sure which mutuals I can tag heh

[mwagneto]

1, 30 & 36

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.

oh god you're braver than any us marine ok so instead of what everyone expects I'll do a detour and start with the honourable mention that is rdj sherlock, i was super depressed (and I mean like. incredibly so) after sherlock s4 because it just sucked so bad, like i was deadass in ruins and i was trying to find ANYTHING to take my mind off it and by the end of February I watched and read pretty much all Sherlock media there is except for rdj because for some reason I thought it was bad?? but then I noticed the first movie was downloaded on my laptop so I went ok fuck it and watched it on the 26th of February and HOLY SHIT I fell in love with RDJude's dynamic literally immediately their chemistry was so fucking good and the plot and the script and the setting and the music and- point is I fucking loved it so I watched the second movie on the same day and Mother of FUCK it was somehow even better and gayer and sweet Jesus I've been obsessed with them since

NOW onto the real deal, light of my life and my reason for living....Rocketman

Jesus Christ I don't think I've ever been this hyped for a movie in my life

I saw the first trailer on November 11th but I wasn't into it at all mainly because I saw it in theaters and they played the censored version and made it look like some het movie about an imaginary person

But then I saw it trending when the second trailer came out and I scrolled through the trending tag and watched the trailer and boy I was HOOKED

And holy fuck the wait was Agonising especially since the fandom on here consisted of like. Me and 3 or 4 other people and then some ppl who didn't post but reblogged stuff - point is the fandom just. Didn't Exist

By the time carpool came out there were a bit more but still basically nothing, hell in my desperation I even looked at stan tw*tter a few times but I regretted it each time and thankfully I don't remember anything specific

But anywayS so the movie is supposed to come out on the 31st of May but for some reason they release it on the 18th in the UK and then turns out it won't come out until the 5th of June here???

I was so fucking mad my friend and I literally almost went to Wien to watch it

Worst of all, the big cinema chain that's in my city didn't even put the tickets out

And when they did they only put them out for Thursday and only the dubbed version

Which, ew, but I was like I don't care I'll take what I can get

But THEN I went into the city one Saturday and I was just riding the tram listening to the soundtrack when in passing I saw a theater that had a big ass Rocketman sign on the front

It was literally like a 0.1 second glimpse because the tram was going fast but I immediately went rabid and found it online and turns out not only were they showing Rocketman on the 5th of June, they also have the original English version

So I booked two tickets immediately and waited because I still wasn't sure the usual cinema wouldn't put their tickets out

So I stayed up every night until midnight to see if there were tickets but No

Finally they put them out on Tuesday midnight so a day before it's supposed to be released but only for Thursday so I was like ok fuck you I'm going to the other one

Oh yeah by this point I've been logged off Tumblr for weeks because i didn't want spoilers so I didn't have Any Rocketman content at all, I didn't even dare to look at YouTube videos or anything because I was scared the recommended section would spoil me

So yeah I was absolutely content deprived

Fucking FINALLY the 5th of June rolls around and we get to the theater and wait for it to start and jesus fukingn

I'm gonna be honest I literally don't even remember much because I was so high on "oh my fucking god I'm finally watching it" but holy SHIT IT WAS JUST. SO GOOD.

I do remember a few things

I know I screamed out loud when Richard first appeared during crocodile rock (even tho I knew he was gonna be there at some point but it was still so sudden I fuckin lost it)

Also I held my friend's hands during tiny dancer like my life depended on it skdnd

And I've told this story a million times but tmttp shocked the soul out of me coz I knew what it meant scene wise and I didn't think they'd play it so fuckign early skmfsk I had like a full body convulsion and drew my hands back and my calf muscle cramped so hard it hurt for a whole week afterwards

anyway I didn't cry

somehow

I thought I'd be sobbing like mad but I didn't and I still haven't

Idk for some reason I just can't cry over this even tho I SHOULD and I want to

my friend did sjsnfjd

we were fucking. spent dude I don't think I stopped smiling until I fell asleep

Anyway after she somewhat finished crying and we exchanged a few words we somehow got up from our seats and left

She had to print a few things so we walked to a photocopier and talked about the movie but it wasn't anything more coherent than just verbal keysmashes

Literally it was so smfjsjjdsjdn i felt high

I was so fucking HAPPY bro it was so fucking good and everything I expected and way more like we were over the fucking moon

I brought food coz I like to eat during movies but I didn't even dare to look away from the screen during this one

While she got her printing sorted I logged back into Tumblr and checked the tags (they were still disappointingly empty😔)

We then went to a park near the tram and ate the food I brought and talked abt the movie till it got dark at which point we headed for the train and talked there some more before she had to get off at her stop

I spent the rest of the ride smiling like an idiot listening to the soundtrack and texting her & other people

I went for a bit of a walk on the mountain I live on to clear my head but I was literally so happy and giddy I couldn't stop smiling hhh I'm losing it just thinking about all the stuff I felt

By that point I was super low and empty coz of school stuff and irl stuff so to feel so many emotions after months of feeling absolutely nothing was a LOT

Anyway I got home by...idk, late, and blasted the soundtrack on full volume for a while before booking her and myself tickets for Thursday so we could watch it again

And we did

And it was just as amazing as the first time

And then on impulse I watched it again on Friday

And then I went to watch it again on Saturday and as soon as it ended I ran to a nearby theater and watched it again immediately

Then again on Wednesday

After watching it on the 5th I lost my appetite both for food and for water, and also my need for sleep, so until I gained it back after watching it next Wednesday I basically didn't eat, drink or sleep for an entire week but it didn't take a toll on me, somehow

The Rocketman power

Anyway we watched it again on Saturday and Sunday (the girl I mentioned came with me both times then and on Saturday so did another girl)

And then I had exams, a class trip and a family vacation so I couldn't watch it for an agonizing two weeks

but then finally watched it again on the 3rd of July with another friend (a 3rd one)

And then on the 6th of July with the original girl

And then on the 7th and the 9th at home alone and them on the 12th with yet another friend (4th one)

Then I went to watch it in theaters alone again on the 18th

And then one more time with the first girl on the 24th

Then on the 3rd of August alone

And then the first girl came over on the 9th of August and we watched the deleted scenes and the extras and then the extended movie

Then I was once again busy so I couldn't watch it until the 25th

And I took my laptop to the hotel I'm staying at for two weeks rn so I watched it here on the 30th

And now here we are

Jesus fucking Christ I'm so sorry for making you read all this

This took me like an hour to type

Anyway! Peace and thanks for asking skdmsmcmsmmd

30: Talk about what turns you off.

I don't have any turnons or turnoffs tbh skdndn I'm. not about that sorta stuff

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.

sometimes I hateread awful old fanfics on Wattpad because they make me wanna die but like in a good way