#i need you to stop everything and read the bridge to so high school it's the funniest thing i've read in a bit

[jorgecrespo]

YOUR TAGS!!!! no because SAME i’ve literally been in the gc letting it all out so i don’t do anything drastic here but godddddd has it been fucking HARD

SHE MADE AN ALBUM ABOUT A RACIST SHE DATED CAN ANYONE HEAR ME I FEEL LITERALLY INSANE I'M GOING CRAZY PUT ME IN THE ASYLUM HELLO HELLO HELLLLOOOOOO????????????

[rayveneyed]

cw: smut / cisfem!reader / scent kink

something nobody ever considers about satoru gojo is that he’s very particular about scents.

it’s a weird side effect of the six eyes that is rarely ever spoken of, by him or any other; along with his fantastical sight, his ability to distinguish minute details kilometres away, to read the ever-twisting flow of cursed energy, yadda yadda yadda — the extrasensory perception he was granted the second two gametes fused into a zygote had skyrocketed every perceptible sensation above the level of the average human. leagues above the level of not-so-average humans, too, but that’s a story for another time.

beneath the slightly dusty smell of skin cells and flesh, each person is different. diet and exercise play a huge part, of course, but then there’s the more obvious things — perfume, toiletries, surroundings. nanami always smells like paper and sandalwood. nobara, sweet and fruity, with a sneaky undertone of something synthetic — something almost hospital-like. yuji smells like grass and citruses, like he’s just popped open a can of something fizzy and caffeinated on the lawns of jujutsu tech. but if he had to choose a favourite…

“could — could you, um—”

one really must forge their own little bits of happiness in this line of work. the constant death and despair really puts a damper on one's lust for life. for gojo — sweets, cute little figures, themed cafes and expensive cakes, things that pleasantly appeal to and delight each one of his six senses. you, in a similar way, enjoy the finer things in life — cashmere and vicuña wool, luxury furniture for your top-floor apartment, century-old wines with names you cannot pronounce — and, to gojo's delight, perfumes.

oh, you have one for every day of the year, he's sure. white florals bursting with zesty citrus, bergamot and black tea when the weather cools. there's fluffy vanillas and sugar-sweet marshmallows, tempered with the smooth depth of sandalwood. osmanthus seeping with syrupy apricots and and peaches. cloves and nutmeg and cypress for the days when the clouds split open and tokyo turns grey.

with your back pressed against the couch and gojo flush against you, hips slotted between your pillowy thighs, he's able to dig his nose right into the curve of where your jaw meets your neck, exactly where you spritz your perfume every morning. today, it's one of those delicious, good-enough-to-eat type of smells; white chocolate and macadamia nut and — fuck, he almost moans against you. sugar and spice and everything nice — you smell like everything he's ever wanted to gorge himself on. he's reminded of the cheap, strawberry body spray you used to use back in high school — how the scent would catch on his nose when you walked past, how it lingered on his jacket when you brushed against him. he shivers.

he lifts his lips from your skin — lifts his nose from the cradle of your neck to give you a distracted, slightly disgruntled, "huh? what?"

it's only without the smell of you clouding his nose that he suddenly realises that you're squirming against him — the heat of your clothed pussy pressing against his hardened cock, layers of cotton and denim and linen between you both leaving you with only the slightest, most irksome hint of pleasure. even with his blindfold fastened over his eyes, it's all so much.

"just — i need something," you say, exasperated. your forehead's dewy with sweat, glasses slipping down the bridge of your pretty nose. "you've been at this for ages."

"ah, my bad." but he doesn't stop. how can he tear himself from your warmth, the heat of you radiating from your skin, your arms wound around his neck and fingers in his hair? how can he leave even a single inch of space between you, when your chest is heaving with excitement and the musky sweetness of your arousal is reaching his nose? he satisfies both your needs for stimulation with slow, curling rolls of his hips, dull pleasure tingling up his spine and leaving him shuddering. "i thought you were more patient."

"you — you're the one that dragged me in here," you say, even as your breathing gets heavier, even as your head falls back with a whine, baring the column of your neck to his greedy, seeking nose. "i told you i have plans, so unless you—!"

"alright, alright," he concedes, though all of your arguments about the time have been half-hearted at best. "don't you worry, i'll take good care of you — real good care."

"you sound like such a sleaze when you say stuff like that."

"mhm." for a moment, he lifts his head — and he doesn't have to look at his reflection mirrored in your eyes to know that his pupils are blown wide, his cheeks flushed pink. you're not much better off — for all your whining and posturing, your proverbial claws aren't much more dangerous than those of a scrappy little kitten. beneath it all, your breathing is laboured, your blood vessels dilated. you smell sweeter, like your body is a ripening fruit or blooming flower, opening for him. your blood rushing to the surface of your skin, heating up the fragrance oils still dotted along your flesh, turns it all heady and head-dizzying.

you want him — you can deny it all you want, but he can see it clear as day. the reminder sends what little blood remains in his head straight to his cock.

"you smell sweet," satoru says, blank and dumb. "when you're horny."

for a moment, you pause. embarrassment — and arousal, though you probably won't admit it — has you locking up. a hint of bitterness turns your fragrance — like burning chocolate — before you huff suddenly, smacking at him until he begins to back up. "oh, my god — you're so shameless, satoru—"

"no, i'm serious! h—hey, stop!" he argues, wriggling until he's back in your good graces again. he dips his head to your skin again, teasing you with little nips along your neck. you'll see the bruises it leaves tomorrow and demand he make it up to you with sweets that he'll just have to eat with you, earrings that glimmer in garnet. for now, though, he’ll get a little serious.

"you get a little sweeter when you cum too, y'know," satoru coos. he tugs at his blindfold, blinking as unfettered light filters into his retina. it's sensory overload, overstimulating and overwhelming, but it's exactly what he wants: to see you, feel you, taste you, smell you — be engulfed by you in every way he can. as if drawn there, his hand sneaks between the tight fit of your bodies, slipping under the hiked-up hem of your skirt and petting at your underwear — soaked, as he’d expected, coating the tips of his fingers. "like syrup. i wanna smell you like that.”

his tongue peeks out over your pulse point, touch reaching up and up and up to that fantastic little ball of nerves he adores. you let out a moan so loud that even he’s taken aback. giddiness bubbles in the pit of his stomach — giddiness, horniness, it’s all the same to him — and he shoves his nose so hard into your skin he swears it’ll bruise. ah, there it is. he’s barely even touched you, too. it’ll be even better when he does.

“g—god, you’re horrible,” you say, arching into him, like you can’t bear to be apart for even a second.

“me?” satoru laughs. you’re distracting from the task at hand, though he usually doesn’t mind. he can’t help but respond, giving you your own attitude back a thousandfold. it’s just now, when it’s been so long since he’s gotten his fill of you, he’s just… a little impatient... “oi, don’t get all embarrassed — you always get so mean.”

“then stop saying things like that, and i won’t have to be — a—ah!”

satoru suckles at the cold-hardened flesh he’s just taken in his mouth — your mouth falling open in wonder and your chest heaving as he takes your nipple between two dull rows of teeth, humming. between his fingers and his mouth, you’ll soon be rendered almost completely silent, shuddering and twitching in what he knows will be a strong, satisfying orgasm — sweet with sweat, salt and musk gathering between your legs. looking up at him with glassy eyes and calling his name. his mouth waters.

he better get a move on, though: you have plans, after all.

[hanjisunglover]

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ 𝐒𝐈𝐌𝐎𝐍 𝐒𝐀𝐘𝐒

𐙚 pairing: volleyball player!han jisung x nerdy fem!reader

𐙚 genre: smut, high school au, strangers to ??, angst, fluff

𐙚 word count: 6.7k

𐙚 warnings: reader is a virgin, jisung it's kinda an asshole, he's also lowkey manipulative, dirty talks, dom! jisung, sub! reader, jisung it's kinda needy at the end, fingering (f!recieving), oral recieving ( m! and f! receiving ), eating cum, penetration, unprotect sex ( stay safe y'all), semi-public sex (people walking down the hall) spank kink ( f! receiving), breeding kink. Jisung's friends bullies reader, ji it's pretty jealous.

𐙚 summary: y/n has the best grade in history, jisung is just a volleyball player that can't keep himself out of challenges, so why not seducing the pretty y/n?

𐙚 members mentioned: minho, bang chan, hyunjin

[ jisung 02:34 am ] what are you asking me to?

[ minho 02:38 am ] you want the money? fuck her then :)

[ jisung 02:39 am ] why her? com'on you can think someone else

[ minho 02:40 am ] because her brother is in the team that we need to piss off for the next game, we need to win this time, that's why

You love History, you like the feeling of knowing things more than the others. You always been intelligent and smart, above the people. Never been out with a guy, never really trusted yourself enough for a relationship with anyone more than your own brother. Chan always been the extrovert in the family: you loves books, he loves volleyball and parties. You never complained to see him jumping around as the captain of the Lokeys and as setter.

That's how jisung started to ask you some help with history. You were so surprised when he stopped you from going out the class after the long and super interesting lesson from Mrs. Yang, that woman showed you the best way to love the Roman Empire. His cheeky smile and his strong cologne made your mind spin, but you tried to keep it cool to refuse. Until he talked about paying the extra sessions, and then.. how can you refuse it?

Extra money, talking about your favorite subject, that's the jackpot for a nerdy like you. You still don't trust him to make him come to your house to study, that's how you end up in the car of your big brother.

"Why you didn't refuse to help him?" Chan pinch his bridge of the nose, sigh lightly, he doesn't like the idea of her little sister with Jisung. He doesn't really know him, he doesn't know that much to let her sister go with a guy like him. For Chan you're still his baby sister, to protect from the world.

"it's gonna be fine, I'll keep my location on in case, don't worry okay? it's just study at the library." just study at the library, that's your thoughts. But you have the feeling of something else happens in your head, the drive to the school it's quiet enough to let you think.

Jisung, Han Jisung, the best setter that your school ever had before. He's good, he practice so hard everyday, he loves volleyball more than everything and you unfortunately knows. You know because Chan is the captain of the Lokeys, team that wins against them every single time. The difference now?

Jisung is in the team. And he talks with his members without even explain anything, he can read people in the best way possible, he can gets the opponents' moves even before they make them. It's just a genius in his game

Your brother drops you off and as you walk out he stops you holding your wrist a little, "hey, call me if he's being an ass, kay? I still can wait in the parking lot until you're done."

"hey, I got it." You smile softly at him as he waves at you from the window of the car as he speed right in front of you, just to make you laugh. You look at the doors of the school with a big breath.

The people around there are just some professors, some crazy kids that loves the book at the school and the sport clubs with the training hours, you never understood why put so much effort on your body. You hates sweating. And moving, in general it's not your favorite thing in the world, that would be diaries from the 40' about the WW1.

You try to find a quiet spot in the library, with your bag on your shoulder and the books against your chest, you need to find the perfect table to not have too many people around. Perfect to low talk and not being caught by the hateful librarian, who frankly - hates you. The reason? You may or not have held about ten books from the school on the industrial revolution.

I mean, who would blame you? they are good books, at least for you, and some other nerds. That you don't know, you don't talk to many people, you're voice it's so quiet that everytime people ask you to repeat yourself, at least three times.

As your turn the corner you notice a little table, not bigger than one seat each side, perfect. You fix your clothes as you sitting, putting the books and the conceptual maps that you like to make, your handwriting is delicate, neat and everything is divided down in color due to your visual memory. You are envied for your notes, which are going around to your classmates every time for classwork.

You waited for two hours there. Any reasonable person would have already picked up their things and gone. Not for you. You, you stayed there, studying anyway. You tried not to waste time and clear your thoughts as you finished your notes from the last lesson. When suddenly your phone rings.

[ Channie 18:21 ] are you guys almost done? :D

[ y/n 18:21 ] he never show- As you type the text Jisung gets inside the library, a grin in his face that makes every girl turn her head to look at him, he's wearing his classic uniform to training for volleyball. His movements are full of confidence as he looks around for you, as he stands up in front of the table he start to chuckles.

"Hey beautiful."

[ y/n 18:24 ] nope, but I text you when we are ♡

"my name is Y/n," muffled words gets out your mouth as you look over him, his tonic body gets right in front of you and your side of the table.

You bow a little as you press your lips together in an awkward smile, he chuckles as he cross his tonic arms against his chest. "I know, but names are not my favorite. I like nicknames, so.. you took this thing serious I see," he murmurs.

Jisung take his seat right next to you, his sweaty body makes you feel almost dizzy for how hot he looks, shiny tears of sweats driving down his neck, going inside his shirt. You're trying to not stare, but it's really hard when you have a good looking guy next to you. "So where you lack the most?" You says clearing your throat with a light cough, moving your hair behind your ear as you look at the chapters in the book in front of you. His eyes are on your lips are you talk.

"Right, of course." he nods once and gives you a charming smile as he looks down, trying to focus on the book. Jisung smirks as he watches you blush.

"Now, now… why should I be focused when I have you next to me, looking all cute and gorgeous?" He chuckles in amusement and leans closer toward you, his arms crossing over his chest. "Would be hard to concentrate on anything else, really." he winks at you and runs a hand through his hair.

You blush hardly to find him so close to your face, try to muffles some words but everything that comes out from your mouth a some gasps, he's being clearly flirty and that makes you flustered already, "book, study, please?"

He chuckles as he presses his index finger against your cheek, the sudden contact makes you confused but you manage to control it, "why don't we play a game mh? Simon says. one each."

You sigh, because you think it's the best way to make him focus. "okay, who's start?"

"Ladies first," he moves his hand over you almost brushing his fingers over your arm and you shiver at the light touch, Jisung can read your face and your thoughts as if your internal dialogue is speaking to him.

"Simon says open your book and take notes," your light order make him chuckles, but he listen and he grab his own book opening at the same page as you.

You breathe a sigh of relief as you begin to highlight important points about the book, his focus lasts for about half an hour before he places both hands on the table and looks at you intently with a smirk.

"Simon says, let me kiss you," you almost choke yourself with his words, you shake lightly your head, "no com'on.. please.. it's-it's enough."

Jisung smirks when you turns your head a bit, getting closer again and nudging your jaw with the tip of his thumb. "I think you don't know the game, sugar. You have to do whatever Simon says. Otherwise your turn is lost." Jisung chuckles softly and raises a brow again, his other hand drifting to your thigh, right under your skirt. He keeps teasing you and playing with your mind.

You squeeze your thighs together as she whine a little, looking at him lightly as she glance at his lips, sighing deeply, "Are we gonna back to study after?"

"Yes, promise." Jisung chuckles softly and raises a hand to your face, stroking your cheek softly and tilting your head back toward him. "Can I have your answer now, sweet thing? Or do you need me to make this harder for you?" The hand on your thigh squeezes your leg gently, making you squeal, and he leans in to breathe in your scent. Jisung's lips are just inches away from yours now, his breath hot on your skin. The tension is thick as he lean on you.

He kisses you softly, biting your bottom lip with determination, he's running too fast for you; it's your first kiss. Your eyes are closed as he keep kissing you with transportation. The moment breaks as you get breathless, your cheeks red like cherries and your eyes locked in his. "it was your first kiss, isn't it?"

As you nod he chuckle like a kid, This is gonna be easier than I thought, jisung is thinking about. You cover your face with your hands he moves his hand on your thigh again, "oh don't worry angel, I'll be gentle next time, but I can't promise anything."

Next time? oh you're totally losing it. He talks about a second kiss? you only saw those kinda of things in movies or tv series that you cry yourself on during the night when you feel that you need to 'suffer' about a relationship - that frankly, you never had. But that's not a problem for you, you never expected someone to loves you like the movies, or loves you like the songs that you always listen and fills your playlists.

Between the lessons in the days after, Jisung started to talk to you, to even say hi between the periods, also doing small chats between you two.

"hey y/n!" "can you help me with the study after?" "let me buy you some coffee," "we should hang out soon."

the kiss, the kiss, the kiss. That is the only thing that run through your mind, every time he is around. You can't stop think about it! it's all over your head, as soon as you close your eyes you can feel his lips against yours again, and just the thought makes your panties extremely wet. For God sake, you're lucky that he didn't touched you in the library, you're not sure that you are capable enough to shut your mouth. He's so attractive, walking around with his confidence that build just insecurities to the people in the hallways, so hard to get it for you. But hey, you're not in the same level as him.

He's a 10, you're a 6. Your brother would say a minus 8, but it's your older brother, so his vote doesn't count. Because he would say anything to make you genuinely happy, he loves you unconditionally it's impossible for him to not give you a right number. But still, you don't believe him.

During the middle school, your class listed the girls from the prettiest, to the ugliest. Just a funny game, but you hated it, all of the competition that shouldn't be in a bunch of 16 years old girls made you feel more and more uncomfortable. With your body, your extreme intelligence, made you ended up in one of the last positions.

You started to believe it, because if everyone agree, why it shouldn't be the truth? So you started to act like one, eating alone during lunch, your assignments with a group of people you decided to made your part by your own, your friends started to hang out with other people so; why force something that already is done.

Walking down the hall, by yourself and your eyes focus on the floor, Jisung is sneaking from behind, putting his arm around your shoulder, "hey beautiful."

"uh! hi, hi jisung," You mumble as you almost drop everything that you're holding in your arms, his eyes are traveling from your eyes to your lips, the tension building up inside you. "how are you doin? still too busy to hang out with me?"

He never asked you, "you never asked me."

Your sudden change of tone makes him giggle, holding you tightly against himself, your face get dangerously close to his, "so you would've say yes? Look at you y/n, all confident to talk back to me."

Cheeks getting red, makes him just more giggly and happy, because he knows that his friends are looking right at the end of the hall, where they can see how much he has you under his power. The deal with them is simple: fucks her, bring a proof and the proof can only be her underwear, dirty of his sperm.

In his head he already created the perfect occasion for that, how to make you beg for him, to gets on your knees just because of him. Just the thought of taking your virginity makes him hard, he clear his throat, "so wanted to ask you for, another lesson. maybe somewhere else, you know.. not in the library."

You feel your body slightly tensing up, feeling your legs almost numb for his words, "where? I'm just.. see my schedule and see if I can make it."

"my house. today, after my practice." Your eyes goes wide open, your surprise make him giggle as he nods,"yes angel, my house."

"I said I need to check my schedule, don't.. don't hope too much."

"Oh but I know you're coming princess, you can't say no to me."

You know jisung's house like one of the most beautiful - also richest - spot in the city, his father is a really important manager for one of the biggest volleyball team in town. His parties are always big and always loud, nothing in compare to what you do on Saturday.

But you also know, that he never invites girls over, that something that a lot of girls - specially the female volleyball team - complains all the time in front of you instead of listening to the history lessons. The talk, and talk and talk about him, and the only occasions when girls can get in his house.. is to hook up.

And that's how you ended up in his room, waiting for him to finish his shower, a book in front of your eyes but your head fill with thoughts.

"Simon says, tell me your dirtiest fantasy," he says clicking the pen in a almost rhythmic way, his eyes on your blushing. Because even if you're just a virgin, your head always fantasized about so many things. You guys are been studying for two hours now, he's overworked to let you talk for that long, when his only thought has been bending you over and take you right there. right now.

He try to push your to the limit until you spill it out, "okay, fine. fine I'll tell you," you mumble as he chuckle happily, his hand finish on your thigh, making you blush even more, "I think.. I think I like it rough. I mean, it's just an assumption, because I'm still a virgin."

"you know what I like?"

His question doesn't sounds like one, but you let him finish talk, his hand travels up and down from your knee to your inner thigh. Your skirt moves with his touch, "I like to make happy pretty girls like you."

Your cheeks get red as cherries just making him smirk like a cheeky kid that just had the answer that he wanted, "I think I.. could make you happy, angel, if you just.. let me." You can feel your heart bouncing in your chest when he starts to kiss your neck, his hand finds his way on your panties, feeling the wetness against the thin fabric.

"So fucking wet already."

You can't actually tell how you ended up on his bed, your thighs spread open and his face right between them. "jisung.. jisung please.."

Jisung chuckles softly, the sound vibrating against your sensitive flesh. He takes a moment to tease you, licking and kissing your inner thighs before finally placing a hot, open-mouthed kiss on your swollen pussy lips. His tongue darts out to taste you, his lips parting yours with one swift motion. He starts by licking you labia before sucking on your clit gently, groaning in approval at the taste of you. "So sweet.. just for me."

"Oh my fucking god," You says breathless, your back arching just at the gentle touch of his lips against your cunt, it's incredibly good to feel.

Chuckling again, Jisung complies. He slides his hands up to your hips, holding you in place as he slowly pushes his tongue into your tight entrance. He groans as he feels how wet you are, his eyes nearly rolling back in pleasure. "Fuck.. you taste amazing - want more, give me more."

He breath heavily against your skin as he continues to pleasure you. He adds a finger to her tight pussy, stretching her slowly while sucking on her clit. "You like that?”

Every single movement gives you a wave of pleasure that makes you moan so loud that his brother down the hall probably heard you. You moves your hips against his face, needy for more of his wet and warm licks, “o-oh fuck i love it! m-more!”

Jisung groans as he takes in you desperate cries. He pushes your boundaries further, adding another finger in your tight slit. His tongue works overtime on your sensitive spots, driving you wild. He has no intention of stopping until she begs for his cock. “imma gonna make you cum so hard.”

He can feel you, feel your excitement growing. He moves his fingers faster inside of her, hitting your g-spot, rubbing his fingers against it to let her reach the highest pleasure possible while still sucking on your clit. Your juices taste so sweet and he just wants more. “Fuck, your pussy is so wet, you're my good girl aren't you? so good for me.”

Jisung moves from your pussy just to change position, letting you sits on his face, your blush is heavy. He grunts as you rides his face, your pussy juices dripping down onto his tongue. He reaches up to grab your ass cheeks, spreading them apart as he continues to lap at your sensitive spots. “Fuck, you’re such a slut.”

You whine loudly as you try to keep it quiet, your hips are moving faster and faster trying to find the best friction possible. “i can’t wait to fuck you,” his muffled voice makes you clench around his fingers, he roll his eyes for pleasure.

“i want your cock in my mouth first.”

Jisung chuckles darkly, his eyes gleaming with lust. He moves from under you, sitting right in front of your sore but still shaky body. His fingers moves quick on his jeans to unzip them down and to let his hard length free. He grabs you by the hair and pulls your head towards his cock. "You're such a dirty girl," he murmurs before pushing inside your mouth roughly.

You moan deep throating his cock as you look at him, you has tears on the sides of your eyes for the sudden moves and your saliva dropping down your chin. You never had a sensation like this, so filled. so big.

Jisung fucks your mouth roughly, his hips slamming against your face. He reaches down and starts to finger your wet pussy, adding another layer of pleasure to your already overwhelmed senses. "You're going to cum for me, aren't you?"

You nods on his cock, closing your eyes to feel every inch of his dick deep down your throat, you clench lightly around his fingers but you starts to bounce in them desperately.

Jisung pulls out of your mouth and watches as you bounces on his fingers, eyes filled with lust. He slaps your ass hard, "You like this dirty stuff, don't you?” You find yourself squirming under his touch, almost purring like a cat for more attentions.

Feeling your walls clenching around his fingers, Jisung growls low in his throat. He pulls his cock out of your mouth roughly, leaving your gasping for air. "wanna get fucked angel?"

"yes jisung, please."

Jisung chuckles as he spreads your legs wide, positioning himself at your entrance. He teases you by rubbing his tip against her slick folds before pushing inside. "You're so wet for me, just for me right baby? so wet.. just for my cock."

You nods gasping for air, your head moves backward as you moan louder, "f-fuck it's too big," you whine loudly when you clench around him, trying to adjust as quick as possible, his hands goes on your waist to lift you and let you stay on his lap, your faces are so close are you stare in each other's eyes.

Jisung's hands move to grip your hips more firmly, guiding your movements on his cock. He can't get enough of the sight of you bouncing on him, your breasts jiggling with each thrust. He watches you with hooded eyes, drinking in the sight of you writhing on top of him. "you’re taking it so good for me.”

"jisung.. oh j-jisung I wanna cum.."

Jisung tightens his grip on your hips, pushing himself deeper inside you. He groans in pleasure as he feels your walls clenching around him. "Oh fuck, baby. That's it. Keep riding me like that."

“a-ah! ‘m so close!” You says breathing heavily, your eyes half closed as your legs’s muscles are burning for tiredness but you are too desperate for an orgasm to stop. Jisung's thrusts become more forceful, matching her desperation. His hands move to cup her chubby cheeks, slapping them gently in time with their rhythm.

"God you're... you're so big.."

Jisung groans softly, his hips jerking forward as he tries to thrust deeper into you. He pulls away from your neck and kiss you passionately - almost desperately, your tongues dueling. "You make me so fucking hard." He holds onto your throat, pulling you onto his mouth to kiss you again.

"More jisung.. please more.." Jisung smirks, his thrusts becoming even rougher as he grabs you legs and lifts them up, holding them against the wall of your abdomen. He starts to bite down on your neck, his hips bucking wildly. "I love hearing you beg."

Feeling your orgasm, Jisung picks up the pace even more, he reaches down to rub his cockhead against your clit, sending shockwaves of pleasure through your body.

Jisung grunts, his hips bucking against you once more. He pulls out of you slowly and watches as a trickle of semen drips down your thigh. He smirks, his eyes fixed on yours. "Is that what you wanted, my pretty?"

Your blush makes him chuckle, nodding lightly as your squeeze your thighs again, breathing heavily and your expression of totally fucked. Tilting your head aside, hearing someone walking down the hall and your panicking expression just makes him more and more amused.

Jisung chuckles softly again as he looks at you still laying there. Then he tries to pull himself together and stand back up, only to moan softly as his legs are a bit shaky after everything that happened. “I know, right? It felt so good to know that someone could be right outside the door and could hear me making you beg like the little slut you are."

You hits playfully his chest as he lay right next to you, your body is incredibly sore, his arms slowly moves around your waist, pulling you against his chest. "Oh shut up."

"make me," he whispers teasingly in your ear, making you chuckle as he massage your hips with his hands, his head rest on your shoulder as you close your eyes, feeling your body slowly resting against the mattress. "are you sore?"

"yeah, I'm not even sure how I am managing to talk."

"get used to it," Jisung murmurs as he buries his face on your shoulder, "I'll do this, again.. and again.. and again." closing his eyes as you feels his breath getting more steady. Your eyes gets even heavier as you feel the warmth of his body curling behind you.

Something is sure though, he never lets the girl that he fucks in his bed after, not even for sleep.

He had the perfect plan, exactly knows how and when to expose you and your no-more-virginity. He knows what he would say, even what he wanted to say.

So why now, that he's with his friends during the last practice of the week, he feels like a shit to talk about it? the balls are bouncing on the floor of the gym and his mind is just full of thoughts, mostly about you. That afternoon wasn't the only one, after that you guys started to be even closer, hanging out creating excuses with studying, procrastinating homework, a lot of love making sessions. His friends keep provoke him, asking for pictures of you after sex, every single sign of you two together. But he always respected you with this, because it's too much, he starts to like to feel you with him. Letting you sleep with him after, even cuddle and he's not a cuddler, it's just.. he feels and act different with you. It hurts, because he knows that soon or later he needs to talk with you about the challenge and the deal.

"So, did you fuck her?" His friend asked as he jumps for spiking the ball that he just sett in the perfect spot for him, Jisung groan nervously, he doesn't want to talk about it.

He doesn't want to because it felt too good to spill every single part of it, his focus are on the ball and how to serve on the other side of the court, getting ready for the match against y/n's brother. "oh, is someone too into her now?"

Another teammate tease him playfully, the spank on the ball gets louder, every time that it hits the ground jisung feels his blood burning in his veins, "shut up."

"did you fell for her?"

"love at first sight!"

"oh she probably do good blowjobs."

"should I try her now?"

"you took the deal too seriously now?"

Jisung serve the ball, hitting the floor with a loud sound that makes everyone stops whatever they are doing, because that wasn't just a serve. That was almost a punishment serve, "I said shut up, I did it for the deal, for the money. stop talking about it."

The thing that jisung didn't expect it was you, right on the corner of the gym, you were ready to talk to him and tell him how much you liked it, how much you loved slept in to his arms and waking up with him right beside you. How his kisses and his caresses made you feel alive, loved, desired, accepted. The way that the same morning you needed to sneak out from his house because he didn't wanted to let you talk with his father and his brother; "precaution." Yeah, precaution. Now you know, know you know why he didn't wanted it, why he didn't came to you this morning as he did for the last three months, he didn't smiled, he didn't waved. he didn't hugged you, he didn't try to steal a kiss from you. It was.. nothing. Like nothing happened.

The steps of your shoes echos in the hallway, jisung turn at the sound, he was sure that you heard, he knows it was you. His mind gets blurry and he let his volleyball, his team. Right now he doesn't care if he lose the practice, he doesn't care if he needs to train hard to beat your brother, he teased him enough.

You're crying, walking fast and almost not standing in your own feet, it was all a deal; all for money. You stop walking when you feel that your lungs are not functioning anymore, you feel your mind spinning. Your sobs are echoing in the hall as you sits against the cabinets, why he would do that?

Then the reality hits you hard, like a bullet in your chest.

"You."

You hiss when jisung enter in your sight, he stops his walking almost feel shaking, he knows that you're judging him now, "please let me explain-"

"you did it all because of a stupid deal! you did.. you did it to piss off my brother, because.. because you're gonna play against him next month. You.. You used me." The truth starts to pass in front of his eyes, because it's damn true.

"That was before," you can't even let him finish before stepping up from your spot, stomping a little to face him, your eyes are still tearing up and he can stop the urge to wipe your tears away. "before what? before what jisung?"

Your tone it's hard, and he feels like a kid that gets scolded, "before I started to like you." his hand try to reach your cheek but you spank it first. He's shocked by your gesture, it's not in you, is not something that you would do.

Not to him, not to anyone.

People starts to get out the classes, you are still in the middle of the hall as students stops to listen and more to watch the fight, "like me? you.. Han Jisung. like me, now this is another one of your tricks."

"y/n please calm down," his warm voice makes you almost trip in your thoughts, his hands finish on your shoulders and for a second you're back of the night before, when you went over at his place, when he was touching you so firmly for the first time.

"do not tell me to calm down! I don't wanna see you ever again." Jisung's heart almost breaks, people start to whispers and he see only you walking away from him, too distant. He doesn't like it, he doesn't want you distant anymore.

Jisung doesn't stop though, he knows that if he lets you walk out of his life now, you are never gonna be back to him. "angel, let *me* talk, let me explain."

"You had enough power over me."

You moved.

Moved school, changed your way to be, you decided to cut everything that could remind you him. Jisung was and always be someone that took something to you, something that you wanted to keep safe and always for someone special. He was special, that's for sure, but you knew something like this would happen. So when you changed school to go in your brother's high school, you're not surprised of the amount of popularity that you started to have all of a sudden, because Chan never hide your sibling ship. He never lied to anyone about you. You started to officially be the little sister that he keeps close and tight.

Jisung broke you but you decide to grab the pieces that he left and create a new shape of you, getting out more, making friends and even hang out with boys.

Like now, that you're hand by hand with Hwang Hyunjin, walking inside on a party. Never expected about celebrating after Chan's team won the volleyball game against your old school, but going to an after party? That's wasn't in your plan.

"Com'on don't be so tense," Hyunjin whispers in your ear as he walks behind you, one hand in yours and the other placed on your hip, guiding you though the crowd of people from both of the schools. You don't pay that much attention of the house, but it's okay. You're there to have fun, just that. "I'm not tense!"

"Y/n, babe, I can see your shoulders moving up every single time you talk, don't close yourself I'll be with you the whole time."

"all the time?" you murmurs trying to search for a confirm, your eyes lands on his and his smile makes you feel less anxious. You don't want anyone see you like this, specially from Jisung's team, you're freezing scared just to think about them. To see his eyes again on you. "Let me get you a drink."

"She doesn't drink." His voice reach you fast, but the grab on your wrist it's tight enough to make you turn to his direction, seeing his mad face toward your best friend.

"Are you sure?" Hyunjin bark back, almost ready to pick up a fight with him just to defend you, your eyes run from one guy to the other, stepping back and clearing your throat enough to make both of them turn in your direction. "I don't need someone to talk for me, and I don't need someone to tell me what to do, I'm fine like this." They both back off from each other, walking in different directions.

You follow your friend, and as soon as you guys step inside the kitchen he burst into laugh, his hand over his mouth, "Oh my god! he was so mad!"

"you guys won today right?" You scoff chuckling and getting yourself a sip of water from the fridge, his eyes on you as he nods, your eyes travel down his chest lightly seeing the little open of his shirt. Some buttons are undone and that makes your cheeks grow red, "where are you staring angel?"

You take a longer sip that you expect as you shrug your shoulders, moving down the dress on your thighs with a shy behavior, it's clear that you're not usual to wear dresses, they are not exactly your type of dress code - in any way. The nickname that he gives to you makes a run of chills down your spine, sighing lightly, "nothing.. your.. your shirt. it's unbuttoned." He nods as he glance down his own black shirt, he chuckle lightly, "why don't you do it for me? I'm too lazy."

You roll your eyes as you leave the glass of water in the already full sink of glasses and plates, walking close to him enough for do this favor to him, "come closer, I don't bite." The tension between you two is building up quicker than you expect but his hands that travel from your waist to your hips, pushes you against his chest, your eyes are on his and you're that close to feel his breath against your face. His eyes are slowly closing, leaning for a kiss that you're to exactly refusing.

His eyes were cold on you. "y/n, with me." His voice kills the mood of the room, making you jump lightly backward with your cheeks red like cherries, "man, she can choose." his grip on your waist get tighter, you know he's not gonna let you go, but your instinct it's running away from both of them. Your eyes are on Jisung, his presence it's charming as usual.

"Not with you holding her that tight, let her go, she needs to talk to me." Hyunjin let you go with a grunt, he's not happy about it but you walk quietly toward jisung, his body shift and he turn towards the stairs. You follow him silently as your hand it's intertwine with yours, his touch it's still delicate with you. He lead the way to a specific room and then you recognize everything, every single second of it. His house.

You're back in Jisung's house.

"sorry I, I don't have that much time I'm with my brother and his friends so-"

"why did you left?" His voice it's not hard on you, it's almost hurt, if this topic it's hurting you more than you could expect, his head is down and you can totally smell the alcohol that leave his body, making you step forward to see if he needs some help with anything, anything. "needed to."

Jisung chuckle under breath, turning and facing you, he's close to tears as he moves one hand over his cheek bushing lightly his fingers over his chubby skin, "needed to? y/n, I feel.. I feel like breaking down every second that you're not near me, I cannot breath because you left. I wanted to run, run after you. Maybe chasing you is not the best idea but I.. I wanted you to stay. Please can.. can I touch you?"

His voice is a whisper the whole time, making your legs shakes, almost melting for his sweet talks - but you're too hurt for that. "You broke me, you took something from me, don't be the victim here." Your voice it's steady but inside you your heart is shaking as much as his hands are.

"I wanna touch you wherever he touched you just to prove you that I'm better," Jisung steps closer, his hands grabs gently your waist and his touch it's 100% better than Hyunjin's, you cannot lie. You're melting under his fingertips, he's massaging your hips so lightly that makes your breath die in your throat. "Jisung we can't."

He mumble something, but his mind it's too blurry for elaborate, he lean on your shoulder as he's eyes slowly close, he takes a deep breath of your sent. "if you.. just let me.. need you so badly baby."

Jisung's lips trace his face long the nape of your neck, his hands slowly moves on your ass grabbing your cheeks in a gentle squeeze, your hands goes between his hair as you start to breath heavily, "ji we are your party."

"Simon says, let me take the dress off." His whispers makes you shivers long your spine, biting lightly your bottom lip as you let his hands grab the hem of the dress, lifting it up easily in one smooth movement - he saw you naked before but his eyes on you always make you blush like a kid. "Simon says take off your pants."

Jisung's eyes light up when he see that you are okay with that, and his hands gets busy unzipping his pants and moving down enough to let your hard length free, "com'here angel."

His hands grabs the back of your thighs, lifting you up from the floor and pushing you against the wall, you kiss him with pure passion and needs, his cockhead rubbing against the fabric of your panties.

"please fuck me Jisung," you mumble as his hand reach your panties, pulling them aside enough for him to penetrate you without a warning. Your breath catch your throat as you moan in silent, covering your mouth and laying your back against the wall, his hands grabs your thighs tightly as he moan deeply with his face buries against your neck, "fuck, so tight, thank you.. thank you baby.."

You moan shakily and his thrusts gets even more desperate, pounding in you roughly and fast, he groans and starts to pound into you, his hips slapping against yours. He holds onto you legs tightly, not wanting to lose contact with this feeling. His mouth finds yours again in a fierce kiss, his tongue invading you mouth as he takes what he wants. His pace quickens, his thrusts harder and deeper. Jisung's eyes are full of lust and desire for you.

"I love you."

𐙚 tag list: @lyramundana

[secretgamergirl]

How a Computer Works - Part 1 (Components)

I am about to teach you on a real fundamental, connecting up electronic components level, how a computer actually works. Before I get into the meat of this though (you can just skip down below the fold if you don't care), here's the reasons I'm sitting doing so in this format:

Like a decade or two ago, companies Facebook pushed this whole "pivot to video" idea on the whole internet with some completely faked data, convincing everyone that everything had to be a video, and we need to start pushing back against that. Especially for stuff like complex explanations of things or instructions, it's much more efficient to just explain things clearly in text, maybe with some visual aids, so people can easily search, scan, and skip around between sections. It's also a hell of a lot easier to host things long term, and you can even print out a text based explainer and not need a computer to read it, keep it on a desk, highlight it, etc.

People are so clueless about how computers actually work that they start really thinking like it's all magical. Even programmers. Aside from how proper knowledge lets you get more out of them, this leads to people spouting off total nonsense about "teaching sand to think" or "everything is just 1s and 0s" or "this 'AI' a con artist who was trying to sell me NFTs a month ago probably really is an amazing creative thinking machine that can do everything he says!"

We used to have this cultural value going where it was expected that if you owned something and used it day to day, you'd have enough basic knowledge of how it worked that if it stopped working you could open it up, see what was wrong, and maybe fix it on your own, or maybe even put one together again from scratch, and that's obviously worth bringing back.

I'm personally working on a totally bonkers DIY project and I'd like to hype up like-minded people for when it gets farther along.

So all that said, have a standard reminder that I am completely reliant on Patreon donations to survive, keep updating this blog, and ideally start getting some PCBs and chips and a nice oscilloscope to get that mystery project off the ground.

Electricity probably doesn't work like how you were taught (and my explanation shouldn't be trusted too far either).

I remember, growing up, hearing all sorts of things about electricity having this sort of magical ability to always find the shortest possible path to where it needs to get, flowing like water, and a bunch of other things that are kind of useful for explaining how a Faraday cage or a lightning rod works, and not conflicting with how simple electronics will have a battery and then a single line of wire going through like a switch and a light bulb or whatever back to the other end of the battery.

If you had this idea drilled into your head hard enough, you might end up thinking that if we have a wire hooked to the negative end of a battery stretching off to the east, and another wire stretching off to the east from the positive end, and we bridge between the two in several places with an LED or something soldered to both ends, only the westernmost one is going to light up, because hey, the shortest path is the one that turns off as quickly as possible to connect to the other side, right? Well turns out no, all three are going to light up, because that "shortest path" thing is a total misunderstanding.

Here's how it actually works, roughly. If you took basic high school chemistry, you learned about how the periodic table is set up, right? A given atom, normally, has whatever number of protons in the core, and the same number of electrons, whipping all over around it, being attracted to those protons but repelled by each other, and there's particular counts of electrons which are super chill with that arrangement so we put those elements in the same column as each other, and then as you count up from those, you get the elements between those either have some electrons that don't fit all tight packed in the tight orbit and just kinda hang out all wide and lonely and "want to" buddy up with another atom that has more room, up to the half full column that can kinda go either way, then as we approach the next happy number they "want to" have a little more company to get right to that cozy tight packed number, and when you have "extra" electrons and "missing" electrons other atoms kinda cozy up and share so they hit those good noble gas counts.

I'm sure real experts want to scream at me for both that and this, but this is basically how electricity works. You have a big pile of something at the "positive" end that's "missing electrons" (for the above reason or maybe actually ionized so they really aren't there), and a "negative" end that's got spares. Then you make wires out of stuff from those middle of the road elements that have awkward electron counts and don't mind buddying up (and also high melting points and some other handy qualities) and you hook those in there. And the electron clouds on all the atoms in the wire get kinda pulled towards the positive side because there's more room over there, but if they full on leave their nucleus needs more electron pals, so yeah neighbors get pulled over, and the whole wire connected to the positive bit ends up with a positive charge to it, and the whole wire on the negative bit is negatively charged, and so yeah, anywhere you bridge the gap between the two, the electrons are pretty stoked about balancing out these two big awkward compromises and they'll start conga lining over to balance things out, and while they're at it they'll light up lights or shake speakers or spin motors or activate electromagnets or whatever other rad things you've worked out how to make happen with a live electric current.

Insulators, Resistors, Waves, and Capacitors

Oh and we typically surround these wires made of things that are super happy about sharing electrons around with materials that are very much "I'm good, thanks," but this isn't an all or nothing system and there's stuff you can connect between the positive and negative ends of things that still pass the current along, but only so much so fast. We use those to make resistors, and those are handy because sometimes you don't want to put all the juice you have through something because it would damage it, and having a resistor anywhere along a path you're putting current through puts a cap on that flow, and also sometimes you might want a wire connected to positive or negative with a really strong resistor so it'll have SOME sort of default charge, but if we get a free(r) flowing connection attached to that wire somewhere else that opens sometimes, screw that little trickle going one way, we're leaning everyone the other way for now.

The other thing with electricity is is that the flow here isn't a basic yes/no thing. How enthusiastically those electrons are getting pulled depends on the difference in charge at the positive and negative ends, and also if you're running super long wires then even if they conduct real good, having all that space to spread along is going to kinda slow things to a trickle, AND the whole thing is kinda going to have some inherent bounciness to it both because we're dealing with electrons whipping and spinning all over and because, since it's a property that's actually useful for a lot of things we do with electricity, the power coming out of the wall has this intentional wobbly nature because we've actually got this ridiculous spinny thing going on that's constantly flip flopping which prong of the socket is positive and which is negative and point is we get these sine waves of strength by default, and they kinda flop over if we're going really far.

Of course there's also a lot of times when you really want to not have your current flow flickering on and off all the time, but hey fortunately one of the first neat little electronic components we ever worked out are capacitors... and look, I'm going to be straight with you. I don't really get capacitors, but the basic idea is you've got two wires that go to big wide plates, and between those you have something that doesn't conduct the electricity normally, but they're so close the electromagnetic fields are like vibing, and then if you disconnect them from the flow they were almost conducting and/or they get charged to their limit, they just can't deal with being so charged up and they'll bridge their own gap and let it out. So basically you give them electricity to hold onto for a bit then pass along, and various sizes of them are super handy if you want to have a delay between throwing a switch and having things start doing their thing, or keeping stuff going after you break a connection, or you make a little branching path where one branch connects all regular and the other goes through a capacitor, and the electricity which is coming in in little pulses effectively comes out as a relatively steady stream because every time it'd cut out the capacity lets its charge go.

We don't just have switches, we have potentiometers.

OK, so... all of the above is just sort of about having a current and maybe worrying about how strong it is, but other than explaining how you can just kinda have main power rails running all over, and just hook stuff across them all willy-nilly rather than being forced to put everything in one big line, but still, all you can do with that is turn the whole thing on and off by breaking the circuit. Incidentally, switches, buttons, keys, and anything else you use to control the behavior of any electronic device really are just physically touching loose wires together or pulling them apart... well wait no, not all, this is a good bit to know.

None of this is actually pass/fail, really, there's wave amplitudes and how big a difference we have between the all. So when you have like, a volume knob, that's a potentiometer, which is a simple little thing where you've got your wire, it's going through a resistor, and then we have another wire we're scraping back and forth along the resistor, using a knob, usually, and the idea is the current only has to go through X percent of the resistor to get to the wire you're moving, which proportionately reduces the resistance. So you have like a 20 volt current, you've got a resistor that'll drop that down to 5 or so, but then you move this other wire down along and you've got this whole dynamic range and you can fine tune it to 15 or 10 or whatever coming down that wire. And what's nice about this again, what's actually coming down the wire is this wobbily wave of current, it's not really just "on" or "off, and as you add resistance, the wobble stays the same, it's just the peaks and valleys get closer to being just flat. Which is great if you're making, say, a knob to control volume, or brightness, or anything you want variable intensity in really.

Hey hey, it's a relay!

Again, a lot of the earliest stuff people did with electronics was really dependent on that analog wobbly waveform angle. Particularly for reproducing sound, and particularly the signals of a telegraph. Those had to travel down wires for absurd distances, and as previously stated, when you do that the signal is going to eventually decay to nothing. But then someone came up with this really basic idea where every so often along those super long wires, you set something up that takes the old signal and uses it to start a new one. They called them relays, because you know, it's like a relay race.

If you know how an electromagnet works (something about the field generated when you coil a bunch of copper wire around an iron core and run an electric current through it), a relay is super simple. You've got an electromagnet in the first circuit you're running, presumably right by where it's going to hit the big charged endpoint, and that magnetically pulls a tab of metal that's acting as a switch on a new circuit. As long as you've got enough juice left to activate the magnet, you slam that switch and voom you've got all the voltage you can generate on the new line.

Relays don't get used too much in other stuff, being unpopular at the time for not being all analog and wobbily (slamming that switch back and forth IS going to be a very binary on or off sorta thing), and they make this loud clacking noise that's actually just super cool to hear in devices that do use them (pinball machines are one of the main surviving use cases I believe) but could be annoying in some cases. What's also neat is that they're a logical AND gate. That is, if you have current flowing into the magnet, AND you have current flowing into the new wire up to the switch, you have it flowing out through the far side of the switch, but if either of those isn't true, nothing happens. Logic gates, to get ahead of myself a bit, are kinda the whole thing with computers, but we still need the rest of them. So for these purposes, relays re only neat if it's the most power and space efficient AND gate you have access to.

Oh and come to think of it, there's no reason we need to have that magnet closing the circuit when it's doing its thing. We could have it closed by default and yank it open by the magnet. Hey, now we're inverting whatever we're getting on the first wire! Neat!

Relay computers clack too loud! Gimme vacuum tubes!

So... let's take a look at the other main thing people used electricity for before coming up with the whole computer thing, our old friend the light bulb! Now I already touched a bit on the whole wacky alternating current thing, and I think this is actually one of the cases that eventually lead to it being adopted so widely, but the earliest light bulbs tended to just use normal direct current, where again, you've got the positive end and the negative end, and we just take a little filament of whatever we have handy that glows when you run enough of a current through it, and we put that in a big glass bulb and pump out all the air we can, because if we don't, the oxygen in there is probably going to change that from glowing a bit to straight up catching on fire and burning immediately.

But, we have a new weird little problem, because of the physics behind that glowing. Making something hot, on a molecular level, is just kinda adding energy to the system so everything jitters around more violently, and if you get something hot enough that it glows, you're getting it all twitchy enough for tinier particles to just fly the hell off it. Specifically photons, that's the light bit, but also hey, remember, electrons are just kinda free moving and whipping all over looking for their naked proton pals... and hey, inside this big glass bulb, we've got that other end of the wire with the more positive charge to it. Why bother wandering up this whole coily filament when we're in a vacuum and there's nothing to get in the way if we just leap straight over that gap? So... they do that, and they're coming in fast and on elliptical approaches and all, so a bunch of electrons overshoot and smack into the glass on the far side, and now one side of every light bulb is getting all gross and burnt from that and turning all brown and we can't have that.

So again, part of the fix is we switched to alternating current so it's at least splitting those wild jumps up to either side, but before that, someone tried to solve this by just... kinda putting a backboard in there. Stick a big metal plate on the end of another wire in the bulb connected to a positive charge, and now OK, all those maverick electrons smack into here and aren't messing up the glass, but also hey, this is a neat little thing. Those electrons are making that hop because they're all hot and bothered. If we're not heating up the plate they're jumping to, and there's no real reason we'd want to, then if we had a negative signal over on that side... nothing would happen. Electrons aren't getting all antsy and jumping back.

So now we have a diode! The name comes because we have two (di-) electrodes (-ode) we care about in the bulb (we're just kind of ignoring the negative one), and it's a one way street for our circuit. That's useful for a lot of stuff, like not having electricity flow backwards through complex systems and mess things up, converting AC to DC (when it flips, current won't flow through the diode so we lop off the bottom of the wave, and hey, we can do that thing with capacitors to release their current during those cutoffs, and if we're clever we can get a pretty steady high).

More electrodes! More electrodes!

So a bit after someone worked out this whole vacuum tube diode thing, someone went hey, what if it was a triode? So, let's stick another electrode in there, and this one just kinda curves around in the middle, just kinda making a grate or a mesh grid, between our hot always flowing filament and that catch plate we're keeping positively charged when it's doing stuff. Well this works in a neat way. If there's a negative charge on it, it's going to be pushing back on those electrons jumping over, and if there's a positive charge on it, it's going to help pull those electrons over (it's all thin, so they're going to shoot right past it, especially if there's way more of a positive charge over on the plate... and here's the super cool part- This is an analog thing. If we have a relatively big negative charge, it's going to repel everything, if it's a relatively big positive, it's going to pull a ton across, if it's right in the middle, it's like it wasn't even in there, and you can have tiny charges for all the gradients in between.

We don't need a huge charge for any of this though, because we're just helping or hindering the big jump from the high voltage stuff, and huh, weren't we doing this whole weak current controlling a strong current thing before with the relay? We were! And this is doing the same thing! Except now we're doing it all analog style, not slapping switch with a magnet, and we can make those wavy currents peak higher or lower and cool, now we can have phone lines boost over long distances too, and make volume knobs, and all that good stuff.

The relay version of this had that cool trick though where you could flip the output. Can we still flip the output? We sure can, we just need some other toys in the mix. See we keep talking about positive charges and negative charges at the ends of our circuits, but these are relative things. I mentioned way back when how you can use resistors to throttle how much of a current we've got, so you can run two wires to that grid in the triode. One connects to a negative charge and the other positive, with resistors on both those lines, and a switch that can break the connection on the positive end. If the positive is disconnected, we've got a negative charge on the grid, since it's all we've got, but if we connect it, and the resistor to the negative end really limits flow, we're positive in the section the grid's in. And over on the side with the collecting plate, we branch off with another resistor setup so the negative charge on that side is normally the only viable connection for a positive, but when we flip the grid to positive, we're jumping across the gap in the vacuum tube, and that's a big open flow so we'll just take those electrons instead of the ones that have to squeeze through a tight resistor to get there.

That explanation is probably a bit hard to follow because I'm over here trying to explain it based on how the electrons are actually getting pulled around. In the world of electronics everyone decided to just pretend the flow is going the other way because it makes stuff easier to follow. So pretend we have magical positrons that go the other way and if they have nothing better to do they go down the path where we have all the fun stuff further down the circuit lighting lights and all that even though it's a tight squeeze through a resistor, because there's a yucky double negative in the triode and that's worse, but we have the switch rigged up to make that a nice positive go signal to the resistance free promised land with a bonus booster to cut across, so we're just gonna go that way when the grid signal's connected.

Oh and you can make other sorts of logic circuits or double up on them in a single tube if you add more grids and such, which we did for a while, but not really relevant these days.

Cool history lesson but I know there's no relays or vacuum tubes in my computer.

Right, so the above things are how we used to make computers, but they were super bulky, and you'd have to deal with how relays are super loud and kinda slow, and vacuum tubes need a big power draw and get hot. What we use instead of either of those these days are transistors. See after spending a good number of years working out all this circuit flow stuff with vacuum tubes we eventually focused on how the real important thing in all of this is how with the right materials you can make a little juncture where current flows between a positive and negative charge if a third wire going in there is also positively charged, but if it's negatively charged we're pulling over. And turns out there is a WAY more efficient way of doing that if you take a chunk of good ol' middle of the electron road silicon, and just kinda lightly paint the side of it with just the tiniest amount of positive leaning and negative leaning elements on the sides.

Really transistors don't require understanding anything new past the large number of topics already covered here, they're just more compact about it. Positive leaning bit, negative leaning bit, wildcard in the middle, like a vacuum tube. Based on the concepts of pulling electrons around from chemistry, like a circuit in general. The control wire in the middle kinda works in just a pass-fail sort of way, like a relay. They're just really nice compared to the older alternatives because they don't make noise or have moving parts to wear down, you don't have to run enough current through them for metal to start glowing and the whole room to heat up, and you can make them small. Absurdly small. Like... need an electron microscope to see them small.

And of course you can also make an inverter super tiny like that, and a diode (while you're at it you can use special materials or phosphors to make them light emitting, go LEDs!) and resistors can get pretty damn small if you just use less of a more resistant material, capacitors I think have a limit to how tiny you can get, practically, but yeah, you now know enough of the basic fundamentals of how computers work to throw some logic gates together. We've covered how a relay, triode, or transistor function as an AND gate. An OR gate is super easy, you just stick diodes on two wires so you don't have messy backflow then connect them together and lead off there. If you can get your head around wiring up an inverter (AKA NOT), hey, stick one after an AND to get a NAND, or an OR to get a NOR. You can work out XOR and XNOR from there right? Just build 4 NANDs, pass input A into gates 1 and 2, B into 2 and 3, 2's output into 1 and 3, 1 and 3's output into 4 for a XOR, use NORs instead for a XNOR. That's all of them right? So now just build a ton of those and arrange them into a computer. It's all logic and math from there.

Oh right. It's... an absurd amount of logic and math, and I can only fit so many words in a blog post. So we'll have to go all...

CONTINUED IN PART 2!

Meanwhile, again, if you can spare some cash I'd really appreciate it.

[hellfirecvnt]

The Foundation of Learning

Lee Russell x Fem!Reader pt. 2

Summary: This school is unlike anywhere you've ever worked. Who's lying and who's just an idiot? You know how dreaming about a person can make you feel some type of way? That.

Read part one here. // Part three here. // Part four here. // Part five here.

Your first day was last Friday, meaning after that accidental acid trip, you had a whole weekend to decide if this is the type of environment you want to work in. Sure it's exciting, but you weren't even a whole day in before you were taking hallucinogens against your will. That's a bit more than the drama you're used to in a school.

Sunday night, you can't help but wonder about the two men you'd only just met. More so, you wonder about Lee Russell. A loud man who dresses even louder. His hair is stupid and you can't help but laugh every time his plans fumble, but you can't help but catch yourself developing a bit of a crush on this peculiar man.

You fall asleep peacefully only to find yourself in a dream about that same strange guy. Lee. He touches your cheek so softly, you're so sure you can feel it. The rest of the dream becomes a hazy fog of a childish feeling of infatuation. It lingers in your mind well after you wake up.

Monday morning, you're quick to rise, almost excited for whatever nonsense will be thrown your way this week. Last night's dream is still heavy on your mind as you enter through the front doors of North Jackson High.

"Ms. Y/L/N," Lee greets you with a bright, wide smile. You feel the heat rise in your face. You rely on your makeup to conceal that.

"Good morning, Mr. Russell," you beam, waving as you approach.

"You can call me Lee, darlin'. I'm not a fuckin' psycho," He says, referring to Neal's insistence on being referred to as Mr. Gamby during work hours. You return the favor, stepping into a first-name basis with him. It's nice. Like your first friend in your new town.

"Can I get you a coffee or anything, Lee?" You offer.

"No thank you, doll. I gotta get to-"

"Y/L/N, wake your ass up. I need you to hold any calls for me and Mr. Russell for the next," he glances at his watch. "45 minutes."

"Good morning, Mr. Gamby! No problem-" but he cuts you off.

"45 minutes, Y/L/N!" He exclaims, dragging Lee with him as they congregate outside in the woods by the train tracks.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Gamby? God damn." Lee pinches the bridge of his nose.

"Don't worry about it. I'm treating her like shit so she'll do better."

"She's been here for a day," Mr. Russell groans as they cross the empty field to get to their meeting area.

"Well, look at you, being at everybody's defense and shit for the first time in your life." Neal sneers at his cohort.

"I wish you would just shut the fuck up. For once in your life." Lee sighs, taking a seat on a large boulder. The two men bicker for a moment before breaking into brainstorming. Anything they can do to knock Dr. Brown off her throne. Eventually, and mostly to the credit of Lee's deranged mind, they hatch a plan to frame Ms. Leblanc, the meanest bitch in the school, for stealing and selling textbooks to a third party.

"I'll go plant the evidence," Gamby, stone focused on his objective, beelines for the school ahead of Lee.

"God damn... Idiot," he mumbles to himself. With Gamby occupied, he decides to stop by your desk.

"Y/N," he snatches your attention away from your duties on a dime. You quite literally drop everything when you hear his voice. You silently scold yourself for letting that dream get you bent so far out of wack.

"What can I do for you, Lee?" You wait for instruction as Russell just stares at you for a moment like he's considering something.

"Come with me to my office." He takes off down the hall. You round the desk and follow him with haste. Once you're inside Lee's office, he closes and locks the door behind you. You look at him with wide, curious eyes, trying your best to stifle back the heat on your face.

"We're going to frame Ms. Leblanc and turn her against Dr. Brown." Lee's words fill you with immense disappointment. Of course that's what this was about. You're embarrassed by how excited you allowed yourself to become, even if he's none the wiser. You furrow your brows and cross your arms.

"And how are we going to accomplish that one?" You ask, disgruntled. Lee gazes at you with a big smile, excited to hear you include yourself in his plan.

"Take a look at this." He grins, sliding an altered invoice across the table. In this convincing looking writing it says Leblanc signed for 600 books and no more than 60 have been accounted for within the school. "That bitch is fucked."

"Oh, wow. Is Ms. Leblanc a super bitch or something?"

"She's the super bitch, Y/N. And she is going to destroy Belinda for us. All Gamby and I have to do is sit back and watch." Lee revels in what he believes to be a foolproof plot. As if summoned by the sound of his own name, Neal appears. He steps through the door without knocking and looks at you quizzically when he realizes that Lee has just blown up their spot to you.

"What's going on in here?" Neal asks, hesitant to trust this new employee.

"Relax, Gamby. I'm just catching Y/N up on the details," Lee grins, pleased with himself

"Isn't this above Y/N's pay grade?" The mustached man does very little to hide the annoyance in his voice.

"Well, I'm trying to work her into the inner circle." Lee makes a circular gesture with his hands.

"Yeah, Gamby," you chime in, happy to be included in something that isn't reorganizing the incredibly fucked up records someone shoved into a box of papers before they switched to computers years ago.

"You can't just bring strangers into our plans just because she's an attractive person or what the fuck ever!" Gamby attempts to whisper, but it's just quiet yelling.

"Y/N, can we trust you, sweetheart?" Lee asks with big, shining eyes, grinning at you as he awaits your reply. And that name, "sweetheart." My God, you nearly melt on the spot. What's come over you?

"Of course you can. I only have time to talk to you two. Who am I going to conspire with?" You toss a hand up in confusion.

"Alright, but if I see you talking to any of the teachers after this, you will be fired on the spot." Neal wags a finger in your face.

"Fucking Christ, Gamby. Lighten up. You ain't firing anybody. Get your ass to the library." Lee snaps his fingers and points at the door.

"Am I really not allowed to talk to the teachers now?" You ask, a little confused.

"Don't listen to him, darlin'," Lee sweet-talks you, taking the falsified invoice in his hands.

"No. No, you do listen to me. I am your boss. If I see you talking to anyone besides me and Mr. Russell I will banish you from this campus." The pretentious vice principal stands firm in his decision.

"Okay, sir. I won't talk to the teachers," you sigh.

"Or the janitors and counselors," he adds and you nod. "No Para-pros either."

"Gamby come the fuck on!" Lee whines, rushing this interaction along so he can put his plan into action. The two men exit and Neal makes an "I'm watching you" gesture through the large, glass wall before disappearing around a corner.

You return to your desk and take a few phone calls, certain that Gamby's insane rule can't possibly include parents. After a while, a lady comes to introduce herself to you.

"Hey! Finally got over here during a planning period," she laughs. "I'm Amanda." She extends a hand for you to shake.

"Hi-" you stop in your tracks as you make eye contact with Neal way, way down the hall. He slowly shakes his head back and forth. You roll your eyes and return your attention to the woman in front of you. You begin to spell out a word in the ASL alphabet, hoping Amanda has even as little understanding of sign language as you have. You sign "Email" and she squints at your hands.

"Oh, I don't... Are you deaf? I swear I just saw you answer a phone..." She tilts her head. You sigh with frustration and begin typing out an email on your computer. Confused and feeling awkward, Amanda slowly walks away from the entire situation. You're quick to write her an email about Gamby's strange training practices, careful not to uncover their scheme.

You shake your head, hoping she sees the message soon so you're not blacklisted from making any friends besides these two maniacs in this new town.

"Hello, North Jackson High School," you answer the phone with a darling customer service voice.

"Oh, you're fake as hell, Y/N. That ain't what you sound like at all," Lee laughs through the phone.

"Hello, Mr. Russell-"

"Lee."

"Hello, Lee. How's the plotting?" You mindlessly twirl the telephone cord around your finger as you listen to him talk.

"I need you and Gamby's help tonight. We'll need a school bus."

"A school bus?" You ask, unable to fathom what you'd need a bus for.

"For the books, sweetheart. Stay focused," he scolds.

"My bad."

"I'll see you tonight," he says, hanging up right after. You could hear Neal calling his name in the background, otherwise you'd take that fast goodbye as an insult.

You attain the keys to a bus sitting out in the bus lanes. It was left to be cleaned after a kid pierced his own ear and bled everywhere on a field trip.

"Try not to touch any of the seats near the front. It's... Not good." You warn as you toss the keys to Gamby. "I'm not fucking driving."

You and Lee ride in his car, driving ahead of Gamby to the location to store the "stolen" books. Mr. Russell guides Gamby as he backs the bus up and you help the two men unload the boxes of extremely heavy textbooks.

"Holy shit, we fucking did it, Gamby!" Lee grins, self satisfied and hungry for confrontation. "And you too, darlin'. Thank you." He's quick to add.

"Nicely done, Mr- Oh, uh, Lee." You smile, hoping your newfound nervousness isn't too obvious. And to him, it isn't, only because he's distracted by his own infatuation with you.

The next day, shit hits the fan. Lee calls the front desk again and you answer.

"Hello, North Jackson High," you speak warmly.

"We're about to head straight to Leblanc's class right now!" You can hear his devious smile in his voice. "Brown is so fucked if she really tries to go against that stone cold bitch."

"Hey, do you think I'm allowed to talk to teachers now? Aman-" just as you're about to finish your sentence, Gamby swipes the phone from you and slaps it onto the receiver.

"No. And especially not Ms. Snodgrass."

"Why not? She's so nice and I don't know anybody in town besides you and Lee and I doubt you two are gonna want to go to bars and get drunk off fruity bullshit on Fridays." Your monologue leaves Neal pondering. He doesn't get invited to payday drinks, this is new for him.

"No. You'll let something slip. Snodgrass is wholesome. Too wholesome to get wrapped up in the shit we do," Gamby explains.

"Well then why the hell was I wrapped?" You raise a brow, questioning what he's insinuating.

"I don't know! I never would've done something so stupid and reckless like that." The broad man shrugs. "Russell has a thing for you or something."

"A 'thing for me?'" you repeat.

"Yeah. He thinks that you're an attractive person. And I guess he's not wrong, but... You're no Amanda Snodgrass." Neal shrugs as if delivering bad news he can't hold back.

"You're so right," you nod. "So when can I talk to her? I want friends."

"When I'm Principal." Mr. Gamby disappears to join Mr. Russell and Dr. Brown in pursuit of the books and you're left alone with Gamby's words. A thing for you. How delightful to know your little crush isn't as one sided as you thought.

"Ms. Y/L/N, could you come with me? I need you to take notes," Dr. Brown's eyes are narrow. It's clear she's on a mission when she makes the quick stop by your desk on her way to Leblanc's class.

"Yes, ma'am." You scoop up the board and a pen and follow her on quick feet. Just as she rounds the corner, you see Lee. You knew he was with her, and he smiles when he sees you.

"Mr. Russell," you smile, greeting him in a professional manner in front of the woman that holds reign over both yours and Lee's job. You follow the principal and vice principal down the hall and slowly you come up to a classroom with an involved teacher. She seems well educated and passionate about her teaching. Ironically, today's subject is about protecting your reputation with your life...

As you linger in the hall taking quick notes of the passive aggressive exchange, you see Ms. Snodgrass walking by. After a quick glance around, you're certain there's no Gamby.

"Hey! Ms. Snodgrass. Sorry about yesterday. Mr. Gamby has me on like... A vow of silence? I think I'm being hazed."

"Oh! That makes so much sense. I thought you were just kinda weird," she laughs, clearly relieved of the awkwardness.

"I emailed you about it," you chuckle, also relieved.

"Oh, I must've missed it-" Amanda's sentence is cut short as Belinda and Lee take off down the hall after the climax of the conversation. You wave a quick goodbye to Snodgrass and bolt after them.

Belinda is ranting and raving down the hall, all the while Lee cheers her on. He antagonizes every single time she seems to be calming down. It's eerie to watch the way he plays with her mind. You hope you'd be able to tell if he ever tried this sort of brain sorcery on you.

"I can't believe that bitch," Dr. Brown shakes her head, clearly fired up as she stomps into her office. Gamby follows her and closes the door behind him, keeping her on track and gathering information for later. Lee, laughing carelessly, leans against your desk as you take a seat. All you can think about is Neal's confession of Lee's feelings. Even if it was just a "thing." Whatever that means.

"Lee," you nervously call for his attention. "Do you want to get a drink tonight?" You're unsure where the nerve came from, asking your boss out, but it's not like he adheres to the rules very much anyways.

At first, he seems surprised. Caught off guard, mostly. He blinks a few times, knitting his brows for just a second as he calculates how to respond. Of course he's not worried about the rules, even if he plans on becoming Principal, the only thing he can focus on right now is you. His mouth hangs slightly agape as he carefully and regretfully makes his next statement.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Y/L/N. Maybe another time. I've got some stuff to handle real early tomorrow. I'll be a little late getting in, actually." He fidgets with his ringless ring finger, unable to keep meeting your gaze.

"Of course, sir. It's hard making friends here. You guys are... Different." You smile at Lee as best you can and turn your attention to the computer screen where you slowly and pointlessly sift through each individual piece of spam. Lee lingers for a moment, chewing on his lip in thought. After a short while, he's off to find Gamby and Brown to ensure she's still wrongfully fired up.

Immediately in your solitude your mind runs amok with rejection sensitive anxieties. You're heinously embarrassed, and the redness on your face only darkens when you replay it all in your head over and over.

"Jesus fucking Christ, why did I fucking do that? Who do I think I am? Where the hell do I get off?" You mumble to yourself, trying so hard to regulate past this visceral reaction. You begin to wonder if you've over valued yourself to this little team just because of your interest in Lee.

"What's wrong? Why are you doing that?" Gamby gestures vaguely to your whole being with his hand.

"Fuck, Mr. Gamby. You scared the shit out of me." You gasp, a hand placed on your chest in fear.

"You should be more aware of your surroundings and you won't get caught off guard."

"Hey, tomorrow's teacher work day, right? Do I need to come in?" You ask, hoping for a no so you can drink away the humiliation.

"At any other pussy ass school, maybe. But I need all hands on deck. You're coming in." Neal points at you with integrity and you groan to yourself.

"Are you sure? I'm going to drink the same amount regardless tonight. I might not be very useful tomorrow." You shrug, hoping the trust you've built allows for this sort of candid behavior.

"Something wrong?" He asks.

"You said Lee had a 'thing' for me, so I asked him to get a drink with me and he turned me down," you laugh, slowly accepting the embarrassment.

"Huh, well. That's just Lee, I guess. He's never made a lot of sense to me. All those fuckin' outfits." Neal shakes his head. "Guess he's not into you anymore."

"Oh, word," you say, swallowing the bluntness of his words. "Window closed, got it." You give a small salute gesture and turn back to your computer. "I'll be here tomorrow, Mr. Gamby."

"Well, yeah. I just said you would. I just told you that. I am your boss and you'll be here tomorrow." He nods and emotes as if he's repeating obvious information like 'the sky is blue.'

"Dude." You pinch the bridge of your nose.

•••

Taglist: @its-in-the-woods // @blackwoodtree (you didn't ask to be tagged, but you did ask for a part 2 ❤️)

[leqonsluv3r]

Hii! May I ask Leon with a microbiologist? Like, they ramble about science news and new projects/ideas they have in mind (wich in most parts he doesn't understand), random facts about microorganisms & general stuff, along with jokes every chance they get? Thank you!

cardiomyocytes* (and the affected)

—re!2 leon kennedy x microbiologist!fem reader

(*cardiomyocytes — smooth muscle cells that surround the human heart)

— a oneshot (request)

warnings: the butchering of anything involving microbiology (i have zero knowledge of any of this so bear with me), reader being a smarty pants and leon having no clue what she’s talking about, pure fluff, kissing, established relationship, brainiac x leon troupe (obviously), police officer leon, and other things i’m forgetting to mention.

“he looks over the titles of the books she’s studying and reading, even if she already has a job as one of five microbiologists at her lab. she still reads and never stops gaining knowledge. a thing he admires but deeply despises in certain aspects of their relationship. always one upping him with her knowledge that she gained from many years of studying. he’s just a police officer, he knows the basics of that, but all the words of the titles he’s reading of the books on their shared bookshelf in their apartment are lost on him. what the hell even is protozoa? and why does it need to have a book?”

— or reader is a microbiologist and leon struggles to understand the basics of what his girlfriend does

masterlist taglist

an: thank you for the request anon. this is probably one of the hardest ones i’ve had to write because i know zilch about microbiology. had to ask my mom with the science degree about a million questions for this oneshot. so please enjoy <33 hope it meets your expectations.

she got her degree when she was seventeen. she was way ahead of everyone in high school, graduating a year early and starting college right away.

she knew she was smarter then some of the kids she went to college with, she was the only one insane enough to base a paper on the four cells that surround the heart.

and it got her an A. go figure.

she didn’t take risks often, not ever. only when she was in college and high school did she take academic risks, but never actual risks. like bungee jumping off of a bridge or trying the hottest pepper known to man.

no, she never did any of that.

not until she was in her fourth and final year of her microbiology degree did she take a risk. she never even considered taking it up until this point.

she saw leon for the first time, and everything inside of her. her brain, her heart and the cells surrounding it, seemed to indicate that she would be a fool if she didn’t talk to him. didn’t take that risk that she had never even thought of.

he was so beautiful, all of him. he was the most beautiful man she had ever seen. from the brown hair that wasn’t completely dark, to the blue of his eyes and the way he carried himself as if he didn’t have a care in the world…even if he had a badge and a gun.

even if he put his life on the line ever single day, he walked around and into the coffee shop she studied at frequently as if it was no big deal. she tried not to gawk, tried not to peer over her textbook of blood born viruses. she just tried to be subtle, but apparently he caught onto that.

stupid cops and their ability to sense staring. she thought to herself that day as she ducked behind her textbook at the last second. she prayed to god he didn’t say anything, didn’t see her practically eye fucking him with her corneas.

she thought she was safe until she heard steps come towards her table, stopping just by her eye-line near the edge of the table. she swallowed and looked up from her textbook. and she had never taken such a risk by doing so, by just simply moving her head up from where she sat to meet his devastatingly beautiful face.

he tilted his head, looking over her features for a second himself. he selfishly let himself look, she had stared at him first after all. her face was coated in a blush that made her feel like her whole body was on fire.

is this what attraction, true, attraction was like? she felt like she was having a hot flash. she swallowed and managed a nervous smile, slowly closing her textbook and she made the biggest mistake by doing that — showing him the cover of her textbook.

his eyes went down to the cover of the textbook, reading it out loud, the first words he had ever spoken to her. “A Planet of Viruses?” he repeated the title with a raised brow and then let his eyes drift over to her. she managed to speak, or tried to, talking to men had never been her specialty.

“uhh, yeah. it’s…i’m in college.” she says as she flashes another nervous smile, wanting to shove herself into a flesh pit. she hated this, she was bad at talking to men. she should’ve just sworn men off forever but she was still a women. no degree of any kind would change that.

he nods slowly and to her surprise, he sits down at the small table across from her, coffee in a to-go cup. she scans her eyes over him, almost scared that if she looks to long she’ll be damned.

“what do you study?” he says with a small sip to his coffee, leaning back in the chair a little. he was taking an interest to her, trying to get to know her. she felt her cheeks flush ten times more at the realization. “microbiology.”

“microbiology? what is that?” he asks with a small chuckle as he shifts in the seat across from her, she brushed her hands over her pants and looked directly at him, not looking away once.

“uhm, it’s the study of the biology of microscopic organisms: viruses, bacteria, algae, fungi, etc.” she manages to explain as she feels his undivided attention on her, his blue eyes sparkling a little bit. it was almost like he liked learning something. whether it be about her or just in general, she wasn’t sure. “why microbiology?”

she tilts her head at him, looking at the book title he had read out loud for one of her courses upon introduction. “i think it’s fascinating. the cells in a body or the cells of a plant. they’re both living things, they operate differently but when you look at it underneath a microscope…they work in more similar ways.” he sips on his coffee and nods.

“so you like learning how things work?” he asks with a small grin, trying to figure out with just a subtle shifts of his blue eyes over her body across the small café table. she nods and smiles, she tries to do the best she can, she’s terrible at flirting.

“for the most part.” she hums as she taps on the cover of the textbook with her fingers, “the only thing i can’t seem to figure out is why your talking to me.” she continues with a small bite of her bottom lip in addition to her nerves.

he smiles and shakes his head, god help me. his smile is fucking beautiful. she thinks as she watches him adjust in the chair across from her, leaning his elbows on the table. “i think your a beautiful woman, you were staring and i happen to like awkward women who can barely flirt.” he says with a small tilt of his head, analyzing her again with his blue irises.

she knew he was joking, he was being honest and that got a lot farther with her then stupid pickup lines ever would. “i’m not great at the flirting, your right. i just…i don’t talk to handsome guys. i don’t.” she swallows as she realizes what she let slip out of her mouth.

“i’m handsome? hmm, maybe i should add that to my resume.” he says with a small goofy smile, showcasing some of his teeth. she blinked and felt her cheeks grow hot again, her whole body felt like it would burst into flames and implode. she tried to laugh but it came out like some weird cackle.

he shakes his head, “it’s okay, pretty girl. you think i’m handsome. i’ll take it.” he says with a small smile and a nod of his head. she felt a smile grace her features, one more real at his compliment. pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty girl…the way he said it echoed in her brain and didn’t escape.

before she could open her mouth to say anything, his radio went off on his uniform. a bunch of codes and words she didn’t understand before he answered the walkie. “yeah, i’m on my way.” he mumbled. he then looked back to her with an apologetic smile, good. he didn’t want this to end either, i must be doing something right. she thinks to herself.

“well sorry to cut the conversation short, pretty girl. but i gotta go bust some criminals.” he says with a small sigh, pulling himself out of the chair across from her. she nods towards him in understanding, “life of a cop, daunting.” she jokes, almost wanting to slap herself for it.

that was until he laughed — the most beautiful sound she had ever heard. she swears it, this man is already ruining other men for her. not that there were other men to begin with. she grabs her pen and grabs his to-go coffee cup.

he looks at her with a raised eyebrow, “stealing my coffee? you know this is a coffee place…” he starts as he cracks a small grin, she shakes her head with a small grin and clicks her pen when she’s done writing on the side. “my name and number, incase you get curious and wanna learn more about microbiology.” she grins.

she was hoping he got the hint, praying and by the looks of it. he did, he took the cup from her hand, their fingers brushing briefly. he holds the cup up and reads the name and number on the side.

he shoots her a playful smile, a glint in those blue irises that she swears could make any girl smile. “i’ll make sure to have a list of questions by friday.”

her brows furrow, “what’s on friday?” she swallows as she waits for his answer. he winks at her, winks, and says. “our date.”

she blinks, her eyes wide and feels a smile forming on her face that she can’t help, like she could implode right here in front of him and be absolutely fine with it. “okay…?” she trails off because she never got his name.

he sees her brows furrow and her actually look confused, which he guesses isnt something that happens often in her brain. “leon, or handsome cop. whichever you prefer.” he says with a small playful smile on his boyish features.

she laughs and nods, sucking in a breath. “see you on friday, leon. be in touch.” she says as she tries to regain her cool and not seem like a dork, some girl who’s never talked to the male species before. he scans her up and down with a different kind of something in his blue eyes, “oh i will be.”

she swears that as he walks away, she feels her pulse go ten times faster and her stomach erupt in butterflies. as she watches him exit the coffee shop, following him with her eyes until he gets into his police cruiser, to-go cup and hand and zooms out of the parking lot.

she feels her heart thrum faster in her chest. she knew she had taken a risk, the biggest one she ever had that was in academics.

and she was excited at what this would bring.

two years later, she’s still the same girl she was in her fourth and final year in college. except now, she had leon indefinitely.

he was still somewhat amazed by her smarts and the ways she could just pack information into her brain like it was nobodies business. she had graduated a year after they got together, marveling that all her late nights of studying and cramming down books about cells and microorganisms paid off.

he was there to see her graduate college, there when she got a job at a lab with five other scientists. all studying and devoting their life to finding inaccuracies in cell makeup of various plants & humans alike.

he was there to move her into his home, helping her unload various boxes of books and other things. even a microscope and slides. he didn’t ask, it was pretty self explanatory given her profession.

now here they were, together and happy. he was working as a cop at the police station in town and she was devoting her career to science. they were happy for each other, they were following their dreams.

the only thing was that leon was still lost whenever she talked about microbiology. he had zero idea about what it was besides the basics, that it was about cells and stuff. he had no other clue besides that.

it was lost on him whenever she opened her mouth to talk about work that day, he tried doing research, just so he could maybe try and understand what she was talking about. but he didn’t have a college degree in it, so all the terms and information were lost on him entirely.

he scanned the bookshelf of their shared place, looking over his titles which were just autobiography’s and some books he read as a kid. then there were hers, things about cells, data research, fungi…he tried reading one once and fell asleep after two pages.

literally.

because what the hell was a protozoa? and why did it need a 500 page book talking about it and its properties? he shook his head and sighed, deciding to take the book off the shelf and glance at the cover. he didn’t even understand it, again, it was lost on him.

but his girlfriend was happy, she loved all of it. so who was he to judge? but he just wished he could understand it a little. he didn’t like just nodding along when she talked about work like an idiot. he shoved the book back in on the bookshelf where it went, sighing.

maybe another day.

they were sitting on the couch watching a movie, some horror movie where the idiot protagonist was running away from the even stupider antagonist. she sighed and sat back on the couch cushions.

“you okay, baby?” he asks with a small glance from the tv screen in her direction. she sighs and nods, “horror movies are just…” she starts as she shifts on the couch, looking over at him. “why do you like horror movies?” she asks.

he thinks for a minute, shifting from his position on the couch to set his soda down on the coffee table in front of it. “i like them because it’s funny that any person would be stupid enough to make these mistakes.” he says with a small snort, nodding towards the tv where the protagonist was running down a dark alleyway.

she looks at the tv and then back at him, “but why are we watching it if you think it’s stupid?” she says with furrowed brows as she looks over his features. he sighs and pauses the movie with a small movement of his hand to the remote, turning to face her on the couch.

“what’s wrong with you?”

“huh?” she looks perplexed, like he just asked her to get naked, not that she’d mind doing that for him.

“you don’t get this grumpy when i watch horror movies. what’s the real issue here?” he says with a small tilt of his head, an amused smile on his face. she shifts on the couch, moving to tuck her feet beneath her. “nothing, i’m fine.”

“really? because i don’t think you are.” he says with a small raise of his eyebrow at his girlfriend, moving closer to rub a hand on her knee. “what’s the issue?” he repeats the question, keeping his eyes locked on hers.

she sighs and looks away from him, damn him and his ability to know everything about me. she thinks as she tries to form her thoughts into words. “one of the scientists in the lab today…” she starts and shakes her head, trying to push back the anger.

“he lost one of the cell samples.” she says in a small but angry voice as she feels her fists curl a little with anger. he rubs her knee with his hand, keeping her calm to the best of his ability, “what kind of cell sample was it?” he asks softly as he keeps his voice even and calm.

“human cell sample.” she says with a small pinch of her brow, “a cancerous human cell sample.” she repeats as she looks at him. he raises a small brow in her direction again, “how does someone manage to lose that?” he asks as if she isn’t there, more like his thoughts are just pouring out of his mouth.

“i have no clue. but he’s lucky we have a backup or else…else i would’ve shoved him into the eyewash station.” she says in a low growl as if it’s a dangerous threat. he chuckles and shakes his head, still rubbing his hand in soothing circles over her knee. “your not gonna shove anyone into the eyewash station.” he says with a small knowing look on his face.

“but i could.” she retorts with a small raise of her eyebrows in her boyfriends direction. “he messed up my sample. he had it coming.” she raises a fist and shakes it. he rolls his eyes playfully at her antics, putting the hand on her knee over her curled fist and lowering it. “calm down, rocky. your not hurting anyone over some dish full of cells.” he says with a small laugh.

she sighs and nods, “i want to though. it took me months to acquire those samples for research.” she groans as she throws herself back on the couch dramatically. “look at it this way,” he starts.

“you don’t have to worry about what happened to it. you know what he did with it, lost or not.” he says with a small shrug as he glances over her on the couch next to her.

“that’s not the point!” she says in frustration as she grips at her hair and buries her face into the couch cushions. he leans over a bit and rubs over her spine, “take a step back, baby. relax, it’s okay.” he says gently as he rubs her back over her hoodie she was wearing.

she takes a couple deep breaths, nodding into the couch cushions as she relaxes into his touch. “you need to calm down. it’s just science at the end of the day. it’s not gonna change and it’s not going anywhere without you.” he reassures her as he leans over and presses a kiss on the back of her head, rubbing soothing circles down her spine.

she sniffles, “i know but he lost the fucking sample.” she groans in frustration as she keeps her cheek buried in the couch cushions. he nods supportively and rubs her back, “you can’t stress over it. what’s done is done.” he says firmly but gently, a small sad smile on his features.

he knows how worked up she gets over her job, taking it home with her all the time. he always has to de-stress her. he has to unknot her like rope and make sure she’s okay after the work week.

her job makes his look like a circus.

she sniffles and nods slowly, she pulls her head out of the couch cushions and moves towards him on the couch, burying her face into his neck and just hugging him. he keeps rubbing her back and holding her close like he did before, “your so good at your job, you care so much. but you need to let things go, breathe.” he says calmly into her hair.

“trust me,” he continues. “in my job if you take things home from work. it will literally kill you and drive you crazy.” he says with a small snort as he shakes his head. “but your doing what you love and it’s great. you need to let things go when it’s necessary.” he whispers into her hair, rubbing her back and pressing a small kiss into the crown of her head.

“i can’t let you destroy and work yourself up, that beautiful brain is amazing when it’s working properly. i need to hear my girlfriends random facts about viruses.” he chuckles into her hair, trying to cheer her up. which seems to work because she muffles a small laugh into his shoulder.

“see, even you know i’m right.” he says softly into his hair, patting her back gently. she pulls her face away from his neck after soaking it with some tears. “your always right.” she groans as she wipes at her eyes with her hoodie sleeves.

“i’m not always right, i’m just lucky.” he says softly as he looks over her features with a small smile, rubbing her back as best as she can to calm her down. she rolls her eyes and moves towards him, pressing her lips to his slowly.

he keeps a firm hold on her back and hips, kissing her slowly and gently back as he tastes the saltiness of her tears on her lips. these moments with her are probably the best in his mind, he gets to hold her close, rub her back and kiss her.

he wouldn’t trade anything for this. he’s certain.

two days later, they were snowed in.

it had snowed about 18 inches in the city, and more was bound to come according to the news forecast. even leon, wasn’t going to work. he used his PTO because there was no way he was going out in that.

and she was still trying to argue to go out, to go to the lab and get her work done for the day. her boss even called her and told her the trip wasn’t worth it, to just take the day off.

but she just wasn’t listening.

“please?! i need to go!” she whined at leon as she tried to jump in her snow boots to meet his keys. he was holding her car keys above his head out of her reach. “no fucking way. have you seen the roads, baby? it’s not safe.” he says with a gesture to the window outside.

everything was covered in inches of snow and white. freezing cold temperatures and it just kept falling in fat flakes from the sky. she shook her head in protest, “just give me the keys!” she whined again as she tried to reach on her tippy toes for them.

“no! i cannot believe i’m saying this.” he pinches his brows and looks at her with a hard look, one that he rarely had when it came to her. “your not going to work, it’s unsafe and your boss even told you not to go. so go change into some pjs and sit your ass down and relax. i’m hiding your car keys.” he says firmly as he looks at her, brushing past her to go into their bedroom.

she groans and yells, “your such a buzzkill!”

“i don’t hear you changing or sitting down!” he yells from the bedroom. she groans and stomps her snow boots on the floor like a child, whipping her head to look back out at the window, “stupid snow algae.” she hisses at the dreary weather outside.

eventually, she gave up on the complaining after leon hid her keys and made her get comfortable and relax. they were sitting on the couch an hour later, watching some movie. her body was pressed against his and her leg was wrapped over his legs. “i’m so cold.” she mumbles into his chest.

“baby, we have two blankets around us. you have socks and a sweater on. the heat’s on full blast. what else do you want me to do?” he asks with a small raise of his eyebrows to where she’s cuddled up against his chest.

“i don’t know, make it stop.” she grumbles into his chest as she presses herself closer to him, keeping the blankets adjusted around them on the couch. the movie was playing mindlessly in the background at his point as they kept cuddled up together.

he shakes his head in amusement, “as much as i would love to magically make you not cold anymore. that’s not how it works.” he says softly as he presses a kiss to the top of her hair. she sighs and nuzzles her head deeper into his chest, “just hold me then.” she muffles into his chest.

he looks down at her with a small brow raise. “i am holding you.” he squeezes his arms around her beneath the blankets for emphasis. “not good enough, smartass.” she mumbles into his chest.

he pinches her hip underneath her sweatshirt with his cold hands, she shrieks and bolts upright, smacking him on the chest. he laughs, “your such a jerk!” she shrieks as she tries to move away from him on the couch with the two blankets.

“oh no, get back here.” he says with a small grin, grabbing her effectively and the blankets with her, holding her close to his side on the couch. “i love you too, baby.” he mumbles with amusement as he presses his lips to the side of her head, then her cheek.

causing her cheeks to heat up and flare despite her being cold. she could feel her heart expanding and the muscles expanding.

“your lucky your cute.” she whispers as she just moves back next to him for warmth. he chortles her and presses another kiss to her head. “i’m cute, handsome and i put up with your pain in the ass. i deserve an award.” he says with a proud smile as she looked up at him, her brow raised in amusement.

“there’s no award for that.” she starts as she looks at him, her eyes widening a little at the words he chose. she feels her heart pound faster and faster against her chest.

even after all this time, the intensity from just looking at him never fails to make her heart feel like it’s going to simply explode within her chest. he smirks and obliterates her world view yet again, “i’ll invent one then and give it to myself.”

she’s never going to let him go ever, not in a million years would she do something that stupid with the level of IQ she has.

after the snow continued to fall that day, then the next and it was a full on blizzard, soon enough. they had been kept inside, even their bosses individually kept them out of the streets.

she wanted to argue but there was no point, not at this time. not when leon hid her car keys yesterday. instead of being curled up underneath the blanket pressed so close together, they were both sitting on the couch. leon on one end and her on the other.

she had cracked open a book that she had been wanting to read about fungi cells and leon was just watching the tv at a low volume so he wasn’t disturbing her.

“i can’t believe you’d rather read a book about fungi cells then watch Brooklyn nine-nine with me.” he says with a small shake of his head as he eyes her eyes that swept over each word of the page like it was nobodies business.

“i’m here on the couch with you aren’t i?” she says with a small focused look as she talked and continued reading, flipping a page in her book. he snorts, “that’s not what i meant.”

“do you even know what fungi cells are?” she says with a small raise of her eyebrow in his direction at his end of their couch. he shakes his head, his gaze going back to the tv.

“they’re cells in mushrooms.” he mumbles as if he knows the answer already, she closes her book with a small snap and bookmarks the page, “fungi are eukaryotes and have a complex cellular organization.” she says as seriously as she can.

his brow furrows and he pauses the tv, “i have no idea what that means.” he says with a small sigh as he looks over at her, the book sat in her lap like she was protecting it.

“it means its cells that have very different reproductive properties.” she says as she looks at him with a serious look on her face, like she wasn’t talking about mushroom cells.

his brows furrow even more, what the hell did that even mean? what the fuck is a mushroom doing having sex? he thinks to himself as he shakes his head at her, “i’m still lost.”

she pinches her brows and sighs, “okay, so…” and she begins explaining the cells of a mushroom and in other fungi as best as she can and as simply as she can.

when she finishes he just stares at her and blinks with his blue eyes, “don’t be mad but i zoned out for like half of what you just said.” he says with a small chuckle.

she groans and shakes her head, obviously frustrated, “i’m not explaining it to you anymore. watch your show.” she says in an angry voice as she opens her book back up where its bookmarked and starting to read again.

he clicks his tongue, “no no,” he reaches over and grabs her book, keeping it bookmarked and sitting it on the coffee table in front of them. “i just don’t have a degree in microbiology, baby. my IQ is not…as high as yours.” he says in a soft voice as he rubs a hand over her knee.

she just listens to him, blinking her eyes over in his general direction as she shifts on the couch. “it doesn’t mean i don’t want to understand, god, i would love to understand. i would go back to school and learn everything about microbiology just to talk to you about it.” he proclaims as he looks at her with nothing but love in his blue eyes.

“i would relearn everything and get a degree in microbiology and learn just to understand your work, the books you read and just what it’s like to be inside your brain.” he says softly as he rubs his thumb over her knee, keeping her eyes on his as he speaks with such conviction that it makes her heart want to burst right out of her chest.

“so don’t think for one second that i don’t take interest and tune everything out, i always want to understand and i will spend the rest of my life trying if it means i get to be with you and love you.” he says with a small smile as he feels himself remain breathless in a sense at his own confession.

the words tumbling out of his mouth like he was going on a rant about something, like he was passionate about this. and he was, he needed her to understand.

“the day i met you in that coffee shop, i knew just from looking at that book you were reading…i knew it would be hard. but god, has it been so worth it baby.” he says with a small warmth in his blue eyes that only bloomed for her. the heat from his hand on her knee and the way his words bursted her into flame, it was enough to melt the snow of the blizzard outside.

“everything about you is worth it, even if i don’t understand. i’ll never fully understand but that doesn’t mean i won’t try.” he says with a squeeze to her knee, she blinks up at him and feels her heartbeat accelerating.

“i love you.” she breathes. she had said it to him a million times before in the past two years but it felt like it was needed in this context, like she needed to say this to him. just so that his words that he spoke were not lost on her.

he nods slowly and pulls her closer into his lap, settling his hands over her waist, thumbing at the skin underneath her sweater. “i love you too.” he says softly, “i mean every single thing i just said.” he says gently, his words like a caress and a reassurance that she wasn’t sure she needed until then.

she nods and sighs softly, “i know.” she whispers as she moves her lips to his again, leaning up a little bit from where she was sat in his lap. his thumb sweeping over the skin of her hip, igniting her body into even more flames. she moves her lips over his soft ones, kissing him with intention that wasn’t mindless.

he kisses back, used to the way his lips melded with hers. everything between them, this connection that they had was unlikely. but it was theirs and it went beyond science.

it was love, it was the cells around the hearts they had, the beating of them for only each other. she would kiss him a million times just to prove that point until there was nothing left within her.

until she was just a bunch of frazzled nerve endings, she would kiss him and love him. let him have her in every inch, every scenario and even if the hypotheses was scary and didn’t make sense.

she’d love him unconditionally, the same way he loved her. until both of the cells around their heart fizzled out and died.

she was never letting that go, not now and not in a million years, the probability was there. she didn’t care, not when he loved her and it consumed her in a way that should be studied.

and even if that scared her, she didn’t care. she had him and that was good enough in her heart and brain to keep loving him.

until the cardiomyocytes died out.

an: i hope you liked this, i tried my best to incorporate what you asked for anon :,) had to ask my mom a million questions to get an idea of what i was getting myself into with this oneshot request. but i love you all, please reblog, like and my taglist and masterlist are linked at the beginning. i love you all, kisses. xx. <33

taglist: @heartsforvin @elihii (go to my linked post to join the taglist)

[astroyongie]

Seventeen: They Text You One Month After Your Death

Note: heavy angst and mentions of S* Scoups

"Wake up y/n and stay with me"  "I swear to god that right now, I need you here"  "I need you to stay strong baby.. Can you yell those words at me again please?"  "Ever since you left i try to remind me where I came from and where I belong, but without you i feel so lost in this earth"  "So wake up y/n.. and stay with me"

Wonwoo

"Its been a month already y/n.. do you remember, summer after high school, when we first met?"  "We maded out in my car and on my 18th birthday, we got those stupid matching tattoos. I still cry when i look at mine"  "do you remember when we used to steal your parents' liquor and go to your room? we spoke about our future like we had a clue you would leave me"  "fuck i never planned that one day I would be losing you. Why did you got to leave?"  "In another life y/n, I would be your husband and we both could keep all our promises of being happy together"

Mingyu

"I've been holding my breath each time i think of you"  “Wonwoo told me he put lillies on your tomb today. Sorry. didn't come, I've been holding back tears ever since that day"  "I miss you so much y/n"  "I've done a lot of things wrong, but i swear loving you was never one"

Vernon

"y/n"  "I can't imagine a world with you gone and yet here we are. Fuck i am still in denial"  "I have always said i would be so lost if you left me alone in this fucked up world"  "I can't stop crying"  "the images of you locked in the bathroom, lying on the floor when I broke through"  "and i pulled you y/n, did you felt me? did you heard me y/n? I pull you in to feel your heartbeat and i couldnt hear a damn thing"  "did you hear me screaming?"  "Please don't leave me"

Hoshi

"It's not true. Even today i can't accept that its true"  "y/n, please tell me I've been lied to, that you are still here, that you are still alive and well somewhere"  "Crying isn't like me, but i didn't stop ever since you left"  "What the hell did I do?"  "I love you but I don't want to"  "this hurts so much"

The8

"Hey y/n how have you been? Have you been sleeping well? have you been eating well?"  "I hope you are wearing that hoodie i gave you. I am wearing the one you gave me. as a matter of fact i dont have the heart to remove it"  "I hope you bribed the door on your way to the sky. I know god wouldnt mind it"  "y/n wait for me yeah? I miss you. Dont cry for me. The end is near”

Jun

"Hey y/n"  "sorry i am only talking to you now.. ah, i may have fucked up ahah"  "I am currently laying in the silence, waiting for the sirens of the ambulance"  "yeah.. i fucked up.. but i missed you so much"  "I'm alive still.."  "I don't wanna lose it but i cant bare being apart from you"  "but I'm not getting through this.. y/n what should i do?"  "should I pray? to whom? to myself? to a God?"  "y/n.. help me"

Dino

"miss your touch every nights y/n.. lately i have been feeling a little hollow. And you how have you been feeling?"  "I know you crossed the bridge that I can't follow, but hey brat, you could have said goodbye"  "but now we cant change the past.. the love that you left is all that I get"  "I want you to know that, if I can't be close to you, I'll try settle for the ghost of you"  "I miss you more than life"

Woozi

"I am sorry i keep texting you. i just hate you so much right now.” ”never saw it coming, I couldn't read the signs that you werent okay and fuck this.. i hate myself"  "Now I know that it means nothing"  "you are always on my mind y/n"  "the others are trying to tricked into believing that everything will work out in the end"  "fuck them. You were the only one for me"

Joshua

"Hey baby how are you? I am not doing good ahah.."  "All I want is nothing more but too hear you knocking at our appartment door"  "if I could see your face once more y/n, I could die a happy man"  "When you said your last goodbye that night, when that fucking disease took you, i swear to all angels I died a little bit inside"  "y/n, i miss you so much and all i do is lay in tears in bed"  "I never felt so alone"  "But if you loved me, why you leaved me?"

Jeonghan

"Yo brat.." “Woozi and Joshua made me text you.. tsk they are idiots.."  "but hey brat.. you were the light to my shadow, did you know?"  "fuck god to take my star. another star they say, fuck them. you are fading away in my memory"  "Where are you now brat? Are you okay?"  "Please... y/n."

DK

"y/n I think I lost myself again"  "But I remember you told me to stay strong and Seungkwan has been nagging me to eat more"  "But I wish you would be the one telling me that"  "y/n tell me why our love is six feet under ground? Are you cold down there?"  "I will go to your grave tomorrow.. Wonwoo told me to watered the Dahlias"  "Would they bloom?"  "It's all too much for me"  "How could you die carelessly? Whos gonna take care of my heart now?"

Seungkwan

"Hey baby"  "i decided to text you bc sunday mornings were your favorite and we used to meet with the gang"  "your last sunday you did your hair up, you looked so pretty"  "y/n, I have been screamin at a God for the past weeks"  "I'm still holding on to everything, I don't wanna say goodbye bc this one means forever"  "I don't want to say goodbye so please.. come back to me"

[x-liv25-jamieswife]

sad avery head canons

@ariscats requested this in a comment under my sad grayson hcs, and i'm more than happy to do it for my fav girl avery. trigger warning for self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and sexual assault. pls don't read if this might trigger you, and if you ever need help, there are helplines you can contact for free. family and friends are obviously also an option (if you'd rather talk to a stranger, you can always dm me (or whoever you feel comfortable with) <3). sorry if some of this doesn't make sense. i wrote this at 1 am. hope you enjoy<3.

avery used to pull out a guitar (cause i hc she can play the guitar) and sing songs for her mom when she was on her death bed

she now visits her mom's grave and does the same thing. she sings her mom's favorite songs on the verge of tears (if she isn't already crying).

avery used to wear an elastic band around her wrist and would snap it repeatedly until her wrist became sore and red (it didn't always make her stop though) when she was feeling overwhelmed or did smth she deemed wrong.

whenever avery would drive across bridges or anything really high up, she would think about jumping off of it.

she used to get her mom or libby to help her bake cookies that she would bring to school to try to get people to become her friend (it never worked)

she used to eat lunch in the back of the courtyard in a secluded place most of the time bc no one wanted to eat with her (until she met max obviously)

i'm currently rereading tig and i can't help but notice how uncomfortable she becomes when someone touches her so i hc drake or some other random creep sexually assaulted her once (or multiple times) and that's the reason why she seems so uncomfortable with physical touch.

she used to cry in her mom's arms wondering why she wasn't good enough for people to want to be her friend

when her and libby were struggling to get by and couldn't afford food, she would save the food for libby and not eat (she would tell her she ate at the diner she worked at but didn't)

when she realized, at the age of six, that her father was a piece of shit who didn't actually want her, she started trying to find faults in her to explain why this might be (she thought that if she could 'fix' herself, her father might want her)

she sometimes purposely gives herself papercuts when she feels really numb just to make herself feel something

when she would live in her car, she would sometimes continuously bash her head on the steering wheel wishing her life could be different.

when she was younger, to get people to like her, she would give them everything she had. she would do their homework for them, would cover for them when they wanted to cause trouble in the school, etc, but, in the end, it was always temporary

whenever she comes across someone who looks like sheffield grayson she freezes up in fear/shock. a little voice in her head tells her she's in danger and they'll hurt her.

after all of the almost-death experiences she's been through, she developed a panic disorder (this is already sort of confirmed) that she has to treat with pills.

she sometimes takes the haters' comments to heart (the comments about her weight, etc). she would start telling herself that skipping one meal wouldn't hurt. jameson noticed really early on though and stopped her before it became too severe.

she's convinced people would be better off without her and that she only causes pain and destruction everywhere she goes (bc of what happened with toby)

she actually hates getting drunk because it reminds her too much of her father. jameson started to notice that she would get really uncomfortable whenever he got drunk so he started to drink less. when he did drink though, he made sure it wasn't enough to get drunk.

because of everyone comparing her to emily, she's convinced herself that she's just jamie's second option and she'll never measure up (personality wise, looks wise, everything). jamie and her talked about it a lot and she's now less insecure.

she gets terrified when she hears noises at night bc she's convinces someone's there to hurt her

she forgives people so easily bc she desperately wants people to actually like her.

in the books she says she doesn't allow herself to want to want things bc it could potentially distract her/hurt her. i also think she doesn't allow herself to want things bc she doesn't think she deserves to want anything.

when she's in a stressful situation or she's having a panic attack, she'll start scratching her arms really roughly until they start to bleed to get herself to focus on anything other than the stress/panic.

the scratches on her arms became too obvious so she started scratching her sides instead.

she can't watch any tv shows with violence/war bc the loud sounds remind her too much of the shooting.

one of the reasons why she realized her father was a piece of shit was bc, once, he got way too drunk and slapped her. that was sort of like the catalyst for her.

bc she grew up so isolated, she's afraid of emotional and physical intimacy. she's afraid she'll start liking feeling loved/close to someone too much since she believes it'll never last (jamie showed her she was wrong)

i'm an averyjameson stan so don't take this the wrong way but avery was affected by jamie thinking of her as only a game way more than she lets on. even after they got together, she was paranoid that he had ulterior motives.

she blames herself whenever something goes wrong in the foundation or hawthorne house even when she had nothing to do with the problem.

she's extremely paranoid when it comes to locking her bedroom door and stuff like that bc of how often her privacy is invaded.

i said this in another post but, especially before she inherited the money, she would sometimes smoke weed to lessen the stress she felt for a little while.

she hates going to sleep bc her sleep is always invaded by horrendous nightmares. it became so bad she ended up in the hospital (jamie was absolutely terrified and made her promise to talk to him more).

she has this one stuffed animal that her mom gave her not long before she passed that she cries into whenever she feels like her life is going to shit.

before she inherited the money, she was actually near her breaking point. she was seriously considering if staying alive was actually worth it.

before she inherited the money, she used to count on her fingers how many people would miss her when she died to convince herself to stay alive (the number was never more than three). the fact that the number was so low made her feel even shittier and made her spiral.

her grief for her mom is so intense sometimes she can't get out of bed. she doesn't eat, sleep, drink water, etc. alisa had to contact a therapist/psychiatrist to help avery get out of bed.

to end on a brighter note, here's a happy avery head canon:

she used to dance all the time when she was younger. she would pull out her mom's phone, start playing some music, and jump around waving her tiny little arms everywhere whilst singing along. she would pretend she was a popstar. her mom would film her and send the videos to libby. the brothers have seen all of them bc libby showed them.

not proof read so i apologize for any spelling mistakes<3. again, pls contact someone/helpline if you ever need help. speaking from experience, things tend to get better. sending everyone lots of love (and my girl avery).

[absolutelynooneaskedforthis]

CLEAN

Trevor Zegras x reader

synopsis; reader has struggled with self harm since high school, and in the face of a relapse, Trevor supports them with everything he has. based off of the bridge mostly, the ten months sober, i must admit, just because your clean don’t mean you don’t miss it section specifically. fun fact. i cannot listen to this song without crying 💪😔

a/n; this is for all my bitches who have struggled with s/h in the past or are currently, i love you all and i’ve been there, it does get better. please tell someone. please at least find an outlet for that anger. it’s hard. please please please help yourself. you will thank yourself later for letting you find yourself.

warnings; self harm, mentions of trauma, daddy issues (same💪💪), mentions unsupportive family, established relationship, flashbacks are in italics unless it’s a highlighted word, y’all know how to read fics

HEY! IF YOU ARE DEALING WITH SOMETHING THAT INVOLVES SUICIDE OR SELF HARM PLEASE TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT IT. I know it seems hard, but you will find help and hope. I love each and every one of you. i know where you are, and you will feel better once you tell someone trusted.

You don’t know what it was that brought you back to that day.

One second you were enjoying your boyfriend’s current hockey game, the next you were in the bathroom staring at yourself in the mirror. Waiting. For what, you didn’t know. Something. Anything. To set you off. To have it begin again. All the words. The scars.

The scars.

They were like physical reminders of all the things he used to say to you. All the “you’ll never be good enough”s and the “why are you the way you are?”s. Even the little things, anytime he told you to settle down, shut up, sit still. You used to bite your nails, but your dad thought that was an issue too.

“Stop chewing your nails, you look like a toddler. Immature and stupid. Wouldn’t be a stretch.” he mumbled the last part, but you heard. Loud and clear.

“I’m going to trevor’s.” You raced to the kitchen table to grab your bag and hurried to Trevor’s house.

You knocked on the door and texted him to let you in. It was around 8:00. You were 17.

He opened the door to see tears welling in your glassy eyes.

“What do you need?”

“Can I just, stay here? For the night?”

“Yeah, we were just about to watch a movie. I’ll ask my mom to let you choose.” He brought his arm over your shoulders and closed his front door.

“Hi cutie! Are you alright?” Julie brought her hand to your face in a greeting as you nodded as enthusiastically as you could.

“What did you want to watch?” she immediately caught Trevor’s gaze and grabbed the remote.

“Mamma Mia?” you suggested. It was summer and you had been aching for a Zegras family movie night.

Julie nodded curtly and selected the DVD from the shelf in their living room.

“Hey kiddo. Popcorn?” Gary sat down and passed you the bowl.

“Thank you, Mr. Trevor’s dad.” You’d called him that since you were little and you didn’t know his name. You practically inhaled the handful and turned to your left to see Ava and Griffin in the kitchen.

“Y/n!” Ava rushed to the couch and immediately wedged herself between you and Trevor. His hand still lingered behind you heads as he rubbed small circles into your shoulder.

That was before it all happened.

Every little comment was like a new open wound. A new knife to slice your self esteem. Everything made it so much worse.

Trevor knew about all of the shit your father put you through. He was always there. At school, when he let you stay the night, sneaking out to go get ice cream when either you or him were grounded, he was your person.

When he moved in with Jack, you moved with him, against your father’s wishes. He disowned you on your birthday over the phone, and Trevor and the Hughes were there for you.

All of this brought you back to your bathroom mirror, and the reflection staring through it.

You looked at your wrists and hands in the mirror. The lines. Creases of melancholy seared into your tired veins.

You glanced at your razor on the glass shelf next to the mirror.

Ten months sober, I must admit

Just because you're clean, don't mean you don't miss it

“I’m home babe!” Trevor called to you from the kitchen, you were assuming.

How long had you been in here?

“Bathroom,” your voice tried to reach him, but failed as it cracked and turned thin.

Your frail voice must have given you away, as immediately after you heard fast footsteps up the hall as Trevor swung the door open, but not in a hurried manner. He examined the counter and you.

“Don’t do it. It’s not worth it, not after you’ve made this much progress.” He enveloped you in a hug and you couldn’t help but crumble into him. Your t-shirt slowly began creeping up as Trevor’s hands traced circles up your back.

“Why did he do it Trev? I haven’t spoken to the man in years and he still haunts me.”

“He’s not here, that’s all that matters. And i’m here, pretty girl. I’ve always got you.” he kissed the crook of your neck lightly as he tapped your hip to signal for you to stand up fully. His arms still wrapped around you, he whispered to the air between you,

“Jump.” but there was nothing romantic about his tone. He was ever sweet and caring in your moments of need.

You wrapped your legs around his waist as he carried you to your shared bedroom. He sat you down on the edge of the bed and nudged your arm up to help you take your tear stained shirt off.

There was nothing sexual about his actions, just you and him. In that moment. A necessary action for the both of you.

Once you were changed into a more comfortable shirt, and Trevor changed out of his game day suit, the two of you laid under the covers, holding each other in exhaustion and love. You had nothing but the latter for him. Love.

Ten months older, I won't give in

Now that I'm clean, I'm never gonna risk it

[shortpplfedup]

My School President Episode 6: The end of your comfort zone

Bad Buddy Bad Buddy Bad Buddy Bad Buddy Bad Buddy...

This show is SO Bad Buddy but also something entirely else; it has the same elements, but the arrangement is different. This ep has a BL version of a pop culture fixture created by our characters, 'just a friend', fistbumps, a 'stop playing with me' moment, a blink-and-you-miss-it confession during a confrontation, kissies, and the start of a secret relationship/flirt-a-thon. IT'S BAD BUDDY: HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL VERSION. And I love it with every fibre of my being.

Verse: The safety dance

Stop playing with my heart Finish what you start When you make my love come down If you want me, let me know Baby, let it show Honey, don't you fool around

Madonna | Borderline (1983)

So Gun's a himbo, but he's not THAT much of a himbo. What he is is scared. Him being deliberately obtuse about who Tinn likes while he gins up the courage to do something about it is frustrating but completely relatable. Because there's always that niggling doubt that you've misread things, right? That sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that you can't actually be this lucky. And for a kid whose dad was being hit by a car while he was having the best moment of his life, the inclination to not trust anything good has got to be STRONG. Gun telling Tinn about how he thinks he'll never feel whole again...well it's understandable that he wants to be sure he won't end up alone before he hands over his heart.

Chorus: Feel the fear and do it anyway

If you gave me half a chance you'd see My desire burning inside of me But you choose to look the other way

Madonna | Open Your Heart (1986)

Tinn's getting more confident with every moment he and Gun spend together, but he's still a basket case when it comes to clearly and unambiguously saying 'Ai'Gun, I LIKE YOU.' So when Gun pretends not to understand, Tinn doesn't push to be clear because as much as he wants to believe Gun must know how he feels, he doesn't dare to believe that he returns his feelings. But the thing is, when Tinn isn't totally freaking out, he does have game. Stepping to Gun under the umbrella, staring into his eyes, I think both Gun and I felt the tingles in that moment. And Gun almost gave in in that moment, getting lost in Tinn's eyes, ready to risk it all.

Bridge: Don't make a fool of me

Make him express how he feels and maybe Then you'll know your love is real

Madonna | Express Yourself (1989)

Having things come to a head in front of the entire music club (plus Tiw) was uncomfortable but I think necessary for Gun to understand that Tinn is just as scared as he is to say how he feels outright. Gun is trying hell hard to be 'normal' with Tinn because he still can't get past that niggling doubt that he's reading everything wrong, and naturally goes over the top. Tinn feels like this is Gun playing with him, making fun of his clear and obvious feelings, and naturally gets upset. But this is what it takes for both boys to realise how silly they're being by not just saying how they feel.

Outro: Secret lovers

You must be my lucky star 'Cause you shine on me Wherever you are I just think of you And I start to glow And I need your light And baby you know

Madonna | Lucky Star (1983)

And so, Tinn and Gun are now secretly not-dating...lol. Honestly the shit you come up with in high school 🤣. And it's exactly as adorable in the moment as you imagined. Tinn 'reserving' his spot on Gun's cheek was exactly the kind of cheesiness I signed up for, and the stupid hot chicken-as-a-stand-in-for-making out moment at the very end SENT me. These idiots, I adore them so much.

Ad Libs

NOT GUN SAVED IN TINN'S PHONE AS 'CHINZHILLA BABY' 🤣

Yo fainting whenever he doesn't want to do something is hilarious.

Am I surprised Por is a cooking savant? Absolutely not. Baby has a cotton candy cloud where his braincells should be, he was bound to be a genius at SOMETHING.

I wish I could explain how I feel about what they're doing with Win and Sound, all I can do is giggle and make cooing noises.

Tiw was actually wrong about something this ep! For like...3.2 seconds but still! My sweetie is human!

I like the device of putting both characters on the opposite ends of a phone conversation into the same setting to play their conversation as face to face. GAP used it already this year, and now this.

Speaking of that conversation, they talked all day and then went home and KEPT talking on the phone in bed? This is dating behaviour sirs.

With every episode that goes past without Tinn's mother I get more and more nervous about how she's going to react to Tinn spending all this time and effort pursuing Gun.

So I watched the actual 'Just Being Friendly' MV and after that AND Twenty Five Twenty One last year I now require a sports romance GL like...yesterday.

'Even my bed hates me!' 🤣 please Tinn is such a drama llama.

I love that the MV looks like some high school students made it.

Gun was ready to plant them kisses during the MV shooting...what would he have done if Tinn called his bluff?

The whole MV shooting is just Tiw making this face 😃 over and over again as boys be gay right in front of his salad.

Next week: 🎶secret looooooooooooooooooooovers🎶 try to get the music club to end the dumb Hot Wave dating rule, hijinks ensue.

[astragreenwoode]

The Spitfire Curse - Chapter Three

Previous: Chapter Two • Next: Chapter Four • Masterlist • AO3 Version

Rating: Explicit(18+ ONLY)

Pairings: Billy Hargrove x Fem!OC, Steve Harrington x Nancy Wheeler

Warnings: Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-Con, Non-specified Mental Illness, Self-Harm, Drug Use, Hypersexuality, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Hearing Voices

Genre: Adventure, Thriller, Horror, Slow-Burn Romance, Angst, Hurt/Comfort. Smut, Fluff, Slight Canon-Divergence, Fix-it fic

As always, thank you @take-everything-you-can for your beta reading and all your feedback!

Chapter Three: People Are Strange

Word Count: 11,042

Chapter Warnings: Disembodied Voices, Hypersexual Thoughts, Anxiety, Sexual Themes and Implied Smut, Explicit Language, Humiliation

Chapter Summary: Maeven recalls the last time she was so nervous to be at a new school, and how her father helped her through it. During the school tour, she meets two of her new classmates and catches glimpses of other friends she may make along the way. But whether or not she adjusts well to Hawkins High all depends on her. . .and Billy, of course.

September 1974

The last time I was so nervous about being at a new school, I was about to turn eight years old. Before San Diego, we lived in a small-ish rural community in southern Oregon. After getting married, Mom and Dad decided they needed a break from California, and moved to a place where their children could enjoy life without the world spoiling them.

Our home was five miles outside of town on a dirt and gravel road, in a field surrounded by a ring of trees. The trees made a dome around the edge of our property, covering the front yard and the front of our house in a veil of shade that faced east. The sun shined on the other half of our property, warming up the grass like a heated blanket. The stone path from our back porch led into the wildwood, turning into a small bridge that stood over the creek.

I spent my early days exploring the seemingly infinite woods and warming myself on the grass as I stared up at the tall trees and blue skies; Max was so little then, and Thunder was still alive. He was our family’s big malamute mix they adopted before we were born.

We lived on the edge of one of the Pacific Northwest’s many lush and green forests. Since no one officially owned it and our closest neighbor was two miles away, I liked to imagine it was mine. It was where I discovered my lifelong passion for everything wild when I found friendship with a soft-natured raccoon. I’d later come to make friends with possums, a fox family, and a quiet doe with her fawn. It was comfortable there; cozy in the colder months, and cooler during the warmer months. While it wasn’t perfect, we were happy there. But as Max and I grew, it seemed to become smaller and more crowded.

Eventually, Mom and Dad grew homesick for California and decided to move us back to San Diego permanently. Until then, we had only ever taken long road trips there and back again every Spring and Summer break. Moving transferred our parents’ homesickness onto Max and me. She was as upset by the move as I was, but was more excited; she thought of it as a new adventure.

The day Dad waited with us at the bus stop for our first day at a new school, I was petrified. Max was jumping over the cracks in the sidewalk as I gripped the straps of my backpack and stared down at my feet. That morning, I clung to my mom as I begged her to let me stay home, but she forced me to dry my tears or else she’d be late for her first day back at her old hospital.

Dad surprised us that morning. As I was about to get on the bus with Max’s hand in mine and the bus driver trying to hurry us along, Dad tugged us toward him.

“You know what? I’ll drive you girls today. It’s a special day.”

I was hoping he would just take us straight back home; well, to our new house. I didn’t consider it home, yet. What he ended up doing that day was much better than I expected, teaching me an important lesson I still rely on today.

He drove us to our new school in his jet-black Impala; he bought it the year I was born. Max was in her car seat in the back kicking her feet to the sound of She Loves You by the Beatles on the stereo. It was her favorite. Mine was Blackbird. I loved riding in that car

As we drove up to the building of the elementary school, I curled myself into a ball and sunk deeper into my seat.

“C’mon, Mae-Mae, we gotta go. You don’t wanna be late for your first day,” my Dad sighed, putting his hand on my knee and giving it a gentle shake. I tightened my arms around my knees.

“I’m not going,” I mumbled through my curled limbs.

“It’s not a choice, Spitfire.”

“I’M NOT GOING!” I exploded, uncurling myself and staring daggers at my Dad with tears in my eyes. He was taken aback a little by my sudden outburst but still kept his cool. But when I heard Max start to sniffle at the sudden loudness, I climbed up on the seat and held her little hand. I knew if she started to cry, I wouldn’t be able to get my tears to stop falling.

“No, no, Maxy, don’t cry! I’m sorry!” I whimpered, trying to keep myself composed as I closed my eyes to hold in my tears. After I took a few deep breaths, I heard Max’s cries cease as she started back up with giggles. I opened my eyes to see Dad waving Max’s stuffed rabbit, Flopsy in her face. She had just dropped it. It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my fault.

After returning Flopsy to her, Dad turned back to me and put his hand on my shoulder.

“I know this is hard for you, Maeven. I really do. I didn’t want to, either, but we had to,” he tried to explain, but I wasn’t having any of it.

“No, we didn’t,” I whined, tilting my head up to the roof of the Impala.

“We did. It might not feel like it, but we did,” he responded. I turned my back and brought my knees up to my chest as my feet rested on the leather seats. It was something I knew he would prefer I not do. But he didn’t say anything.

We sat in silence for what seemed like hours when in reality, it was probably only five minutes or so. The world moved on outside the car, the parking lot alive with parents and kids of all kinds walking in and out of the building. It helped that Dad just let us sit there and let me soak up the environment instead of just pushing me straight in.

“Do you remember when I first read you Watership Down?” he asked suddenly, breaking the uncomfortable silence. I didn’t understand why he asked that at first, but it was nice to have a distraction from the growing anxiety in my stomach brought on by my fear of change.

“Yeah? What about it?”

Watership Down was one of my favorite books. Mom and Dad took turns reading it to me when I was smaller; a chapter a night. Before that book, I never saw rabbits as exciting creatures. I loved them as much as all the animals I had come to love and study in books, zoos, and in the forest behind our old house. They were never as interesting as the others until Richard Adams turned them into something different.

“Do you remember what you first felt when the rabbits left their warren?” he followed up. I read and re-read that book so many times that I knew it by heart now. I had to think for a minute.

“I was excited. I knew they’d go on to have some fun adventures,” I said. Dad nodded his head at my enthusiasm.

“Yeah. And they did, didn’t they? But why did they leave?”

I had to think about it for a moment again.

“Because they were in danger?”

“Exactly. They left because they had to,” he explained, and I finally started to understand what he was trying to say.

“Are we in danger?” I asked, my shoulders tensing as I frantically looked around the parking lot.

“No, no, Spitfire,” he reassuringly laughed, stroking the back of my head. “It wasn’t dangerous back at our old house. You’re safe. I promise.”

“Then why? Did I do something wrong?”

“Of course, you didn’t, Maeven. It’s nobody’s fault. It’s just that. . .things just happen, sometimes. Unexpected things you didn’t prepare for, and the best and only way you can make things better is to change.”

I stayed quiet a little bit longer, my shoulders now relaxing. Dad gave me as much time as I needed to reply.

“But that’s sad,” I whined.

“It can be sad. And that’s okay. Do you remember when you were so upset that you couldn’t wear your favorite coat anymore when you played in the snow?”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, but what did we do that day? I took you to get a new one, and you ended up liking that even better.”

I nodded my head. I did love that coat. It was a deep vibrant shade of purple with snowflakes along the trim. And of course, I missed my old one. I had a good reason to; it was rainbow striped. But Mom gave me striped rainbow leggings for Christmas I could wear instead. Everything worked out in the end, even if I didn’t feel like it would.

“The point is, Maeven,” Dad continued. “nothing can always stay the same. And when the rabbits had to fight the general, weren’t you scared?”

I was scared for them. I was afraid of what would happen to their warren; their new home they fought so hard to find and make their own. I wanted everything to be alright.

“Mmm-hmm. . .”

“Hazel, Fiver, Bigwig, and Holly were scared, too. But what happened?”

Even though they were scared of what Efrafa would do to them if they lost, they did it, anyway. They were brave.

“They did it anyway?”

After so many hardships, the rabbits of Watership Down were fine. “Be cunning and full of tricks, and your people will never be destroyed,” the book's words echoed in my head.

“Exactly. And when they did, they ended up happier, safer, and stronger than they were in Sandelford, weren’t they?”

“Mmm-hmm! They adaptated!” I mispronounced.

“It’s adapted, Maeven,” Dad laughed, fluffing up my hair.

“Oh, okay. Adapted,” I corrected myself.

Going to a new school didn’t seem so frightening, anymore. If rabbits were smart and stubborn enough to dig themselves out of every bad situation, I would be fine.

“You are an animal, Maeven. You’re smart and strong, and wherever you go, I know you’ll adapt. You’re gonna do great in there. I just know it.”

. . .

Billy turned the radio on at full blast for the remainder of the ride, filling the awkward silence with the thrashing of Motley Crue. Maeven kept bouncing her leg and tried not to let the volume bother her. Snapping the rubber band against her wrist helped keep her calm, even if it hurt a little.

Maeven caught a quick glimpse of the campus the other day when Billy picked up her and Max from the arcade. The school was a lot less intimidating when looking at it up close. It was underwhelming compared to what Maeven and Billy were used to, but she saw that as a good thing. It meant there weren’t as many people, so maybe she wouldn’t be as nervous when caught in the crowds. Unfortunately, it also meant she would be noticed in a small school where everyone knew everyone, and word probably spread faster in the rumor mill than back in California.

“They’re gonna find out, somehow,” the voice taunted. “And when they do, you’ll be dead. You never even had a chance, Not here, not anywhere. Just run away.”

“No! Shut up! Just shut the hell up!” Maeven yelled, not hesitating to slap herself in the face. But as soon as Billy caught her wrist to stop her from harming herself again, she remembered that she wasn’t alone, and suddenly realized they were parked in the parking lot now.

“Sorry! I’m sorry, it’s just. . .”

“The voices?”

“Yeah. . .”

“It’s okay. Just ignore them and they’ll go away.”

“Easier said than done,” Maeven said to herself.

The look in Billy’s eyes broke her heart. It had been a while since she snapped like that.

The campus was most definitely smaller than Newport’s. It was more similar to the size of the Junior High she and Max attended back in California. The Junior and Senior Highs were in separate buildings, spread out amongst the campus with a few disconnected buildings where they probably had extracurriculars and clubs. Maybe the auditorium was there, too. It would be easier to navigate once they were done with the tour. And Maeven liked that she could keep an eye on Max.

Max and Susan got out of Neil’s station wagon before he drove off, as he had to finish last-minute transfer paperwork before he started his new gig at the bank. As Maeven and Billy stepped out of his Camaro, he stood close to her with his hand on the small of her back. It was something that usually kept her calm, but he did so in a way so that no one in their family would notice.

“You’re gonna be fine, okay? Just keep your head down, and don’t give anyone a reason to stare at you.”

Again; easier said than done.

Maeven just nodded, lingering on the comforting feeling even after he pulled his hand away from her back. She tightened the straps of her backpack onto her shoulders, thinking how she probably looked like a total geek right now bringing her backpack to school when she hadn’t even started classes, yet.

Walking to the front office of the high school was oddly refreshing to her. She had always liked being in school. She loved learning and the feeling the environment gave her. Maeven just wasn’t always a fan of the people who inhabited them; especially when they were teenagers.

As they walked up to the front desk, Susan took the initiative and leaned on the front counter as she waited for the secretary to notice her.

“Hi, there! Can I help you?”

“Yes, I’m Susan Hargrove. My kids are starting here tomorrow and-”

“Not your kid, Susan,” Billy interrupted, making sure to sound as stern as possible. It caught Susan off-guard as she flinched and turned to him, giving a timid smile. It was a little scary to Maeven and Max how much he sounded like his father at that moment.

“Of course. My daughters and stepson are starting here tomorrow and we were told we’d be given a tour of campus,” she elaborated to the secretary.

“Oh, yes! Give me just a minute,” she said, turning to her phone.

Maeven clasped her hands in front of her as she swung her hips slightly to make her long skirt twirl. Max crossed her arms and tapped her fingers.

“Sir. Mrs. Hargrove and her kids are here to see you.”

Maeven could tell by the look on Billy’s face that he wanted to correct his relation to the Mayfields again. She knew why; he was still bitter about his mother, and she didn’t blame him. As much as he hated her for leaving him the way she did, she was still his mom. He would always miss and love her. He was determined not to let Susan take her place.

The sisters tapped their feet in annoyance. How well did these phones work? How talkative was this principal that he made his secretary stay on the line for so long?

“Mmmhmm. Alright. You can head on in, Down the hall, last door on the right,” she finally replied, hanging up the phone. Max let out a sigh that said ‘finally!’ Maeven wasn’t as vocal, but she felt the same.

“Thank you.”

Susan took the lead as they followed the secretary’s directions, knocking on the door before entering. Maeven took a look at the plaque by the door; Principal John Higgins. She knew a kid with that last name once. He looked like a principal, as if he was born to be one. She was curious to see what kind he was; an uncaring hardass with a god complex or a decent person who actually saw his students as people.

“You must be Susan. Principal Higgins. We spoke on the phone last week?” He reached out to shake her hand.

“Billy.”

“Yes, hi. Nice to meet you.” she smiled widely as she accepted it.

“And this must be Margaret, William, and Maxine?” he guessed.

“Maeven.”

“Max.”

They all corrected in unison. 

“Of course. My apologies. Please, have a seat.” He was a bit overwhelmed but pretended not to be as he gestured to the chairs and couch by his desk. Susan and Billy sat in the office chairs while the sisters sat on the black and yellow checkered couch. Maeven pawed at the backpack in her lap, bouncing her leg and scratching her hands.

“I’m sure you won’t find this school any different than your last one,” Higgins said, pulling out three separate manilla folders. “But, it might not be what you’re quite used to all the way down in sunny California.”

“It’s definitely a lot smaller,” Susan laughed, putting on her smile as Billy rolled his eyes. He leaned back in the chair, his legs spread wide as if he owned the place. His sudden attempt at displaying his brawn made Higgins clear his throat.

“So, Billy. From your transcript, I can see you’re the average student and have some trouble with authority. But it seems that in California, you were quite the star athlete.”

“Yes, sir,” he smiled.”Quarterback, Designated Hitter, and Power Forward.”

Maeven had experienced attraction to all kinds of people, no matter their clique. She had gone on dates with jocks before, even if she found most of them to be jerks. But Billy stood out. It bugged her that she could never the exact reason why.

“Perfect, son. Sports are an important part of the culture here, so I’m sure you’ll fit right in,” Higgins said, closing the file before opening another, turning his head to the younger of the Mayfield sisters.

“And, Max. I can see you’re also an average student. But you do seem to be exceptional when it comes to math. We have clubs and tutoring programs where I’m sure you’ll be welcome. Been in trouble a few times, but nothing too extreme. I know starting a new school at your age can be scary and frustrating. Am I going to have any trouble with you?”

Max blew her hair out of her face, her arms still crossed. She had never been one for clubs, but who knows? Maybe that would change at Hawkins

“As long as no one else here dumps their crap on me, I’ll be good.”

“Max!” her mother scolded her. Billy and Maeven chuckled as she gave her little sister a playful slap on the arm.

“No worries, Mrs. Hargrove. I’ve heard worse. I’ll take that as a ‘no.’” Higgins laughed.

Maeven’s file came last, which made her heartbeat quicken a little. She knew he wouldn’t be as lighthearted and upbeat as he was with Billy and Max.

“I understand there are some matters you and Margaret wish to inform me about privately,” he said. All eyes in the room were now turned to Maeven as she squeezed her backpack. She hated when that happened; it fueled the fire of paranoia in her.

“Yes, sir,” Susan answered for her daughter once she recognized she wouldn’t speak for herself.

“Billy, Max, why don’t you two go wait outside?” Higgins turned to them. “This shouldn’t take long. Doris should have your class schedules ready for you.”

Max gave her big sister a calming squeeze on her hand. Billy shot her an encouraging nod of his head and a wink of his baby blue eyes that made her stomach flutter and thighs squeeze together instinctively. As they left the room, Maeven switched herself over to the chair Billy previously occupied.

“Now, Mar-Sorry, Maeven. I understand that you’re a repeating junior. From what your mother tells me, you had sort of a tough time last year.”

Susan turned to her daughter when she didn’t answer Principal Higgins. Maeven kept bouncing her leg as she scratched the back of her hand with her nails until the skin was red. She hated when she did that; mainly because it came off as rude to those unaware of her. . .condition. It also broke her heart to see her little girl hurt herself, especially when it would bleed and scab. Susan reached her hands out to her daughter, one steadying her leg while the other rested atop her hands to stop her scratching.

“Sorry. She’s a little shy,” she apologized, bringing Maeven out of her self-induced trance.

“Yes, sir. I am. I mean. . .I did,” Maeven softly said.

“That’s certainly not a problem,” he stated, looking over her file. “I called Newport High last week and spoke with a few of your teachers. They all said you were a pleasure to have in class and your test scores are. . .intimidating. But they said that around the second semester, you sort of. . .lost your way?”

It was nice to hear that the staff back at her old school still thought about her that way. Although, Maeven wouldn’t blame them if they happened to feel anything negative toward her. Her decline in the social and academic hierarchy and eventual expulsion weren’t exactly a pretty sight to witness.

“Yeah. . .that sounds fair,” she replied.

“I can understand that,” Higgins said, seemingly empathizing with her. It was oddly refreshing. “We have a few other kids here who’ve had to repeat grades due to their struggles in life. I see you have a history of fighting and skipping classes, and that you’ve dealt with emotional problems in the past.”

Before Maeven could say anything, her mother interjected.

“She has, yes, but she is doing much better, sir. We’re hoping a change of scenery will help with that.”

Susan and Higgins didn’t need to pry further, as Maeven knew what they were talking about. She hated when her mother did that, refusing to talk about her daughter’s past of pain as if it was more devastating for her.

“Slap her, Maeven. You know you want to,” the voice instructed, but Maeven just shook it off, literally; her head and body twitched almost as if she was seizing before stilling itself. She gave her mom a reassuring nod before turning her attention back to Higgins.

“I’m not looking to cause any trouble here, sir. I plan to stay focused on my grades this time around. I promise,” she smiled, trying her best to imitate the one her mother used.

“That’s good to hear. You seem to have been an over-achiever back at Newport, so we have more than a couple of clubs that’ll keep you out of trouble. We have a science fair in the spring, and from what your teachers told me, you’ll win first prize. Of course, I still expect you to meet with the school Counselor, Miss Kelly, once a week.”

“Yeah. I’m good with that,” Maeven nodded.

“That’s what I like to hear. Lastly, you’ll be needing accommodations due to your. . .condition?”

Once again, Maeven could tell exactly what he was referring to. It wasn’t that much of a surprise that a middle-aged white principal didn’t want to speak so openly to one of his students about how painfully crippling her periods had become these last nine months. And, of course, her brain condition wasn’t exactly easy for those outside a doctor’s office to comprehend.

“Yes, I do. Is that okay?”

“I’m not able to provide them all, but I can help you with most of them,” he stated, handing Maeven a laminated Hawkins High hall pass with her name at the top and his signature at the bottom.

“Here’s a hall pass for your classes when you’re. I put down a note so that all your teachers will allow you to take tests under the supervision of the school librarian. Unfortunately, I cannot grant you an all-access hall pass; too much opportunity for it to be abused. I’m sure you’re a good kid, but I just can’t afford to take the risk.”

Again, she wasn’t surprised at this. Maeven figured she wouldn’t get an all-access pass for when her brain decided to shut down or go full panic mode out of the blue. Her father’s motto was always ‘ It never hurts to ask.’ Maybe it wouldn’t be so hard for people to understand someday, but not today. She had no choice but to power through.

“It’s alright. Completely understandable,” she lied.

Principal Higgins closed her file before getting up from his desk to put it in a random drawer. When he led Susan and Maeven out to the front office, Max and Billy were chatting with three other students.

“Oh, good! I see you’ve already met,” he announced himself. The kids all stood up from the benches and chairs, turning themselves towards him. Maeven shrugged her backpack over her shoulder as she stood between Max and Billy. She gave her little sister a pat on the back that she instinctually returned.

“I thought it’d be helpful for you guys to meet a couple of your classmates before tomorrow. They’ll be giving you a tour,” Higgins spoke.

Maeven bit her lip. When she pictured the day as she woke up that morning, she didn’t anticipate meeting other kids face to face immediately. She figured there might be students around campus, but didn’t plan on meeting any new kids her age until tomorrow. She didn’t prepare for this, and Maeven dreaded being unprepared.

The mismatched siblings stood in a row of three facing their future classmates in the same formation. 

“Billy, Maeven, this is Steve Harrington and Nancy Wheeler. And Max, this is Jennifer Hayes. Guys, this is Billy Hargrove and Maeven and Max Mayfield.”

Maeven took them in one by one, sizing them up.

Jennifer looked and seemed friendly enough. She seemed like the classic social butterfly; a good girl who surrounded herself with as many people as possible. However, those kinds of people, more often than not, were more shallow than they liked to admit. Maeven had experienced that first-hand in Middle School. Besides, she seemed too girly to be a friend of her baby sister.

“Hi,” she waved at Max.

“She seems boring. Basic. Max definitely won’t get along with her,” the voice whispered. Maeven looked down before rolling her eyes, not wanting to draw attention to herself before her eyes met Nancy’s.

Nancy had a similar vibe to Jennifer with a few key differences. Unlike the middle schooler, she seemed more like the type of girl who had a small inner circle of close friends. She dressed like a scholar, like the model student of an exclusive all-girls boarding school. Nancy was also classically pretty; big doe eyes with dark hair that framed her head like a crown. She reminded Maeven of her friend, Madeleine.

“. . .hi,” she squeaked out, eyes wide. She looked like she saw a ghost.

“She knows how crazy you are. Look at her, she’s terrified.”

“How could she know?” she vocalized in her head, trying her best not to let her paranoia get the better of her. There was no way this absolute stranger could know of her instability.

“People have their ways. You never know.”

Finally, Maeven’s eyes landed on Steve.

“Hey,” he muttered, pushing his soft, chestnut hair back innocently. Meanwhile, Maeven fought to keep her body cool.

“Oh, my fuck, he’s cute,” the voice expressed. For once, it said something she could agree with. 

Steve Harrington was almost so pretty that it hurt. He had the same cocky and suave charm that attracted her to Billy in the first place. He was also about the same height as Billy, and Maeven could tell just by the way he carried himself that he was a jock. Unlike the other jocks she met, his charisma seemed to stem from a place of kindness.

"He's checking you out,” the voice teased in her ear, sending a shiver down Maeven’s spine and filling her with that familiar sense of warm longing.“You should take him and Billy to the janitor's closet so they can fuck you.”

"What!? No! What is wrong with you!?"

"He'll like you more if you let him use you."

"Be fucking quiet!" she internally yelled, silencing it. Maeven hid her hands in the sleeves of her sweater as she held them together, one gripping the cuff while the other scratched the top of it. She held in her anxiety, giving the others a soft, shy smile.

“Why don’t you guys take your tours and we’ll meet back here in a half hour?” Higgins asked. Everyone nodded as the students walked out of the office and into the hall. One way led outside to the Middle School, while the other led down to the rest of the High School halls.

“See you in a bit, squirt,” Billy laughed at Max, reaching up to give her a condescending pat on the head. Max slapped his hand away as she pointed at her sister.

“Hey, only she gets to call me that,” she warned, as threateningly as a small middle schooler could be.

“Whatever,” he scoffed, turning his nose up before following Maeven and the others.

. . .

Everything was less intimidating once Maeven got a closer look as they walked around. The campus seemed well taken care of despite its age. Newport had a more mid-century modern style, all neat and smooth with underwhelming geometric themes. It felt more like a fancy museum than a school. Hawkins High was different. It was charming. Maeven could feel the history built into every cracked brick or tile and dented locker. The halls were lined with character.

The group of teens walked stiffly down the hallways of the high school, relaxing their posture when the principal and Mrs. Hargrove were no longer in their sight or within hearing range. This Steve Harrington guy was the one who finally broke the silence.

“So, Higgins said that you guys are from California?” he asked, turning to Maeven and Billy.

“Mmm-hmm,” Billy mumbled. It was clear to Maeven that he was still feeling out Steve’s vibe. He seemed nice enough, possibly another athlete like Billy; they shared body types, both having defined muscles and the classic upside-down Dorito figures. Steve was maybe just an inch shorter than Billy, though.

“Is it nice down there?” he followed up.

“Definitely better than here,” he scoffed, eyes off of Steve like he didn’t even exist to him. Billy wasn’t willing to be too friendly with him. It wasn’t often that he connected with someone right away, and Harrington was no different than the others. The only person he had that naturally and quickly ignited the chemistry between them was Maeven

“Super. . .” Steve uncomfortably droned out.

Maeven’s eyes focused on Nancy, who still looked at her as if she was face-to-face with someone she shouldn’t be. She wondered what it was about her that gave her such a fright. Was it the way she dressed? The way she carried herself? Maybe it was the way she fidgeted with her hands. How she twirled the loose threads of her sweater around her fingers?  Maybe she just generally gave off an unsettling vibe. She couldn’t tell, anymore.

“You’re scaring her, you know? You’re being so quiet and you keep looking at her. She probably thinks you’re a secret serial killer,”

“But I’m not a-”

“Not yet, you’re not. But you could still become one. You have all the qualifications; insane, suicidal, anger issues, unhealthy obsessions with blood, and sex. Not to mention you already have one vict-. . .”

Maeven tore her eyes away from Nancy, instead choosing to focus on the dents in the lockers and the green and orange stripes on the wall. Her sudden change in perspective cut off her inner monster. She couldn’t tell if she looked elsewhere out of respect for Nancy’s comfort, or if it was so she wouldn’t see the tears pooling up in the corners of her eyes, threatening to spill. She would not break down in front of these new people, she decided.

Nancy clapped her hands together with enthusiasm as the group stopped at the entrance of the cafeteria.

“So!” she broke the awkward silence, gently taking hold of Steve’s wrist before dragging him along with her. “Uhmm, obviously this is the cafeteria,” she said, using her other hand to gesture around her like the lady on Wheel of Fortune.

The cafeteria was probably just a little smaller than the one at Newport. Obviously, there were a lot less students here. It also had a lot more windows and natural lighting with a door that swung lead out to more lunch tables. There was also a stage against the wall at the far end of it, which Maeven assumed was where the theatre department was. Newport had its auditorium for plays, recitals, and school debates, but Maeven liked how humble Hawkins High was turning out to be so far.

What appeared to be the school’s group of Band Kids gathered on the stage and the surrounding lunch tables. Some were tuning and practicing their instruments, while others were simply chatting and taking a break. The gold and white tassels on the green uniforms caught Maevens eye, especially when they were worn by the cute dark-blonde, almost red-haired girl with dusted freckles and dark blue eyes. She let out a laugh that seemed contagious. Maeven was suddenly reminded of a girl she played seven minutes in Heaven with at a party during her freshman year. She turned away once she realized she was staring back, pointing her head down as her face tinted pink.

“Those are our band kids over there, gearing up for homecoming,” Nancy continued, gesturing around her as Billy and Maeven followed her and Steve. “If you guys want a good seat, I would plan on getting here as early as possible. Also because the earlier you get here, the better chance you have of your food being edible.”

“Noted,” Billy nodded. 

School lunches and their edibility varied from school to school, district to district. Maeven was planning on bringing her lunch, anyways. Maybe she’d try it one day once she was more comfortable.

“That’s also the stage where they put on plays and musicals,” Steve pointed out as they walked back into the hallway. “It hasn’t been announced yet what the winter play will be, but we actually have normal theatre kids here if you can believe it. They were really annoying when we were in middle school, but. . .I guess they grew out of that?”

Steve Harrington didn’t seem like a theatre kid, but he had the energy of one.

Maeven eyed the way Nancy and Steve held hands and stayed close to each other as the group walked down the hallway. They did look pretty cute together, she couldn’t deny that. But they seemed too much like a cliche. Then again, who was Maeven to judge them? She was probably the farthest thing from a cliche one could ever be. Still, there seemed to be more than meets the eye in their relationship; Maeven couldn’t quite place her finger on it, but she knew it was there.

Steve opened the right of the double wooden doors that lead into the school gym. Again, it was smaller than the one Maeven was used to back in California. But it had its charm. There were a group of guys on the far side shooting hoops and practicing dribbling with each other. On the other side was a group of cheerleaders stretching their muscles and practicing their routine.

Maeven didn’t mind seeing the basketball team and their muscles sweating with activity, and she absolutely didn’t mind seeing the cheer squad in their short twirling skirts as they practiced. She was particularly intrigued by the cheerleader with strawberry blonde hair in a high ponytail and a smile that could light up a room of depressed people. She looked like a Barbie doll come to life. The way she seemed to put her whole spirit into the routine made it more like watching a ballet show; it was mesmerizing. Maeven found herself fantasizing that if she met her while in inpatient treatment, she probably would’ve recovered faster.

“This is the gym,” Steve said. “We hold all our gym classes, practices, pep rallies, and basketball games here. We have football and baseball, too, but they’re not as popular.”

“So basketball is your official religion around here. Got it,” Maeven spoke up with a soft giggle at the end. Steve and Nancy turned to smile at her. When she wondered why, she realized this was the first time she uttered a word since the tour began.

Steve seemed to be the most taken aback at the sound of Maeven’s voice, laughing at her joke. “Yeah, I guess you could say that. Do, uhm. . .do either of you play?” he asked, gesturing to Maeven and Billy.

“Uh-uh,” Maeven shook her head.

“Yeah. I’ve played before,” Billy mentioned, shrugging his shoulders. Like a lot of boys his age, he channeled all his energy and unchecked rage and aggression into playing High School sports. Despite wearing the stereotypical jock persona, he was also a metalhead. He and Maeven spent their first few weeks together doing nothing but getting high in his Camaro and thrashing along to the radio in an attempt to vent their shared frustration.

Maeven eyed the logo with the school mascot on the wall; Go Hawkins Tigers! It was a bit faded, maybe needing a fresh coat of paint. She wondered if maybe they’d let her paint a mural for the school as she did at Newport. She would ask them later. . .maybe.

“It’s kind of a missed opportunity that they’re the Hawkins High Tigers and not the Hawkins High Hawks,” the voice in her head laughed. Maeven chuckled at the joke she told herself. It was rare that she and her inner voice agreed with each other. When they did work together, it was usually to both their benefit.

“It’s kinda-

“You any good at it?” Steve said, accidentally cutting Maeven off.

“Compared to those little pussies, yeah,” Billy scoffed as he pointed toward the basketball team. It was clear that a few of them were new at this, missing hoops, tripping on their own feet, and losing the rhythm of their dribbles.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to cut you off,” Steve apologized, turning back to Maeven.

“Say something, Maeven. They’re all looking at you.” the voice whispered, spiking Maeven’s heart rate and making her palms clam up.

“No, it’s fine,” she stated, shaking her head to brush off the nervousness. “I was. . .I don’t even remember what I was gonna say,” she laughed, trying to trick herself into thinking so.

“Yeah, she’s a little forgetful, aren’t ya Mae-Mae?” Billy laughed, tussling her hair before sneakily moving his hand down to cup the small of her back again where no one would notice.

“Yeah. . .sorry. . .”

Both Steve and Nancy looked at each other before turning back to Maeven, confused at her apology.

“What? It’s fine. Don’t worry about it,” Nancy laughed, reassuringly touching Maeven’s arm,

“You apologized when you didn’t need to again, you stupid bitch.”

. . .

Before Billy could even think about challenging the basketball kids in the gym, Steve and Nancy moved the tour forward. Maeven had her sketchpad and a gel pen in her hand, mapping out the school as the group continued walking. Gel pens were her preferred writing tool, as she loved the sensation in her hands when she conducted the ink. She made sure to include all the turns in the hallways and possible shortcuts, including all the exits in case she ever found herself in a situation when and where she needed to haul ass out of there. Maeven always needed a plan to protect herself in case things went wrong again, in case she got bad again.

Steve and Billy walked side by side as Maeven and Nancy were a few feet behind them. The boys walked in an awkward conversation as Billy kept pushing Steve’s buttons; it was one of his favorite pastimes. Although Maeven was too focused on the school and her developing map to hear exactly what they talked about, she could only guess that Billy took charge of the discussion like he always did.

“I um. . .I thought your name was Margaret?”

Nancy’s sudden question caused Maeven’s hand to jerk slightly and mess up a line on her map. She clenched her jaw in anoyance; she would fix that and give herself a proper punishment later. Instead, she soaked her tears of frustration into her eyes and turned to Nancy.

“It is. Maeven’s my middle name,” she clarified.

“It’s. . .nice. Unique. Scottish?” Nancy asked, much to Maeven’s surprise. She was half right.

“Irish, actually. On my dad’s side. My mom’s the Scottish one,” she replied.

The two girls turned their heads forward, watching as Billy pushed Steve just a little too hard as he let out a laugh. Steve stumbled on his feet a little before regaining balance and continued walking as if nothing just happened. To him, it was just another jock with an obnoxious personality; it was nothing new to him.

“Your brother seems. . .nice?” Nancy said, unsure how Maeven would take her honest opinion.

“When he wants to be. And he’s my stepbrother,” she said before they turned left at the next forked hallway, making another note on her map.

“Oh, okay. That makes more sense,” Nancy realized aloud as if a puzzle in her head was finally completed.

“Why?”

“No offense, but. . .” Nancy trailed off, eyeing Billy up and down before doing the same with Maeven. “you look nothing alike and you don’t act like brother and sister,” she pointed out, gesturing at their clear differences.

“None taken, Nancy. Actually, it’s a compliment,” Maeven laughed, bookmarking her place in her sketchbook with her thumb as she closed it.

Nancy had been eyeing Maeven for the entire duration of the tour for two reasons. One; she wasn’t what she was expecting when Principal Higgins asked her to show a new honor student around. Maeven didn’t carry herself with pride and confidence the way others would. She certainly took no effort in trying to dress up for the role. However, she definitely seemed to be quiet and introverted, but also nice personality that reminded her of Barb.

That brought her to reason number two; this new girl reminded her so much of her departed friend so much it almost hurt. And it wasn’t just the vibrant shade of ginger hair that made her sentimental and nostalgic. It was in the way she could focus her attention on whatever she seemed to be working on. Nancy still didn’t know much about Maeven, but she almost had her believing in reincarnation. She had to remind herself that Barb was gone, and that reincarnation didn’t work like that even if it was real. 

She made a vow to herself not to compare the two of them, anymore, even if the resemblance was uncanny.

“So. . .Higgins said you were on the honor roll back at your old school,” Nancy said, changing the subject.

“Yeah. For a lot of things, but. . .mostly science,” Maeven answered. Nancy noticed the stickers on her sketchbook that consisted of various flowers and animals, as well as a few skulls of various species. Barb wanted to be an Astronomer after she graduated. They would’ve gotten along.

“Maybe you’ll be able to get through to Steve better than me,” Nancy suggested.

“He has trouble with science?”

“A little bit of everything. He’s more of a ‘sports and parties’ guy.”

Taking in what Nancy told her and the way Steve acted with both her and Billy, Maeven nodded in agreement. “Yeah. I can see that. Especially with that hair.”

In California, the more popular of the students at Maeven’s school treated their hair like a crown of pure gold atop their heads. It’s part of what attracted her to Billy in the first place. She found it hot when people took care of themselves and took pride in their appearances. 

Maeven was a little jealous that Nancy got to run her hands through Steve’s cloud-soft hair and she couldn’t. But she had Billy. She had Billy. She needed to keep reminding herself of that; she had Billy and she didn’t need anyone else.

“Yep. King Steve ‘The Hair’ Harrington,” Nancy chuckled with air–quotes. Maeven almost choked on her saliva.

“What the fuck?” she laughed

“That’s what everyone calls him,” Nany explained. It certainly wasn’t the cleverest nickname Maeven had heard throughout High School, but it was definitely fitting to Steve. And it was interesting to find out that he was apparently voted the ‘King of Hawkins High’. Did that make Nancy the Queen?

“Are you serious? That’s hilarious. It suits him,” Maeven observed.

“What’re you planning on doing after graduation?” Nancy wondered aloud. Maeven’s head perked up as she answered almost immediately.

“Environmental Science. I wanna work for the National Parks Service in Wildlife Conservation,” she explained.

This was the first time Nancy noticed the way Maeven’s eyes lit up with wonder. She seemed almost like a completely different person when talking about something she loved. The fact that she was so self-assured in her future choice of career was something Nancy envied. She had good grades, sure. But starting her Junior Year of High School still having no clue what she wanted out of her life was incredibly weighing on her shoulders. 

“Woah, that's. . .” Nancy trailed off, struggling to find her words.

“Weird?” Maeven finished for her, silently preparing to go back into her shell. But Nancy stopped her before she could; she liked this new girl.

“I was gonna say ‘different.’ A lot of the other girls here say ‘supermodel’ or ‘actress,’” she explained.

Those were common dream jobs she heard back at Newport. She had also heard ‘makeup artist,’ ‘director,’ and ‘musician.’ Her girlfriends back in California had different dreams. Emily wanted to be a teacher, Madison wanted to run her family’s marijuana farm. Cassandra wanted to create special effects for horror movies. 

Maeven was surprised that Nancy didn’t add ‘Princess’ to that list.

“Are a lot of the other girls here boring basic bitches?” Maeven joked.

“No. . .well. . .maybe they are, but not all of them,” Nancy replied. “My friend Barb, she wants. . .wanted to be an astronomer.”

Maeven’s head perked up at the mere idea of another science geek at this school. Her dad had an old telescope and used to take her and Max on trips where they could see the night sky clearer.

“Really? That’s pretty badass, actually. You’ll have to introduce her to me tomorrow,” she suggested, to which Nancy seemed to almost freeze on sight.

“Oh, actually, she’s. . .not around anymore,” she told Maeven, biting back the familiar burning sensation of oncoming tears.

“That’s a shame. It would’ve been nice to know another brainiac,” Maeven said.

“Well, you still have me, here,”  Nancy laughed, grateful that she didn’t cry. Maeven’s heart rate spiked almost immediately at her reply, anxiety filling up her lungs almost like she was drowning.

“Great job, you little bitch. You just insulted her. She’s not gonna want to be your friend now,” the voice taunted.

“Oh, no, no, no. That’s absolutely not what I meant at all, Nancy. I’m sorry,” she stuttered out, her face heating up and her breath growing heavy. 

Nancy’s brow furrowed in uncertainty. Why was Maeven getting so upset? She didn’t do anything wrong. She placed her hand on the new girl’s back, confused and worried when she flinched at her touch.

“Woah, woah. It’s fine, Maeven. You’re good,” she reassured, feeling her heartbeat slowing from her back beneath her palm.

“Sorry,” Maeven panted out, catching her breath as her gripped her sketchbook like a vice.

“Okay, I’ll forgive you if you stop apologizing,” Nancy laughed out.

“Alright, so-. . .thank you,” Maeven corrected herself, finally finding her bearings. Nothing was ruined. Everything was fine. She did nothing wrong. Nancy said so herself.

“Anyway, what’re you doing after you graduate?” she asked, changing the subject.

“I. . .honestly, I’m not sure,” Nancy admitted. It was the first time she said it aloud.

“That’s alright. You’ve got time.”

“Yeah,” she sighed. It didn’t feel like Nancy had time, even if she was two years away from graduation. All she was certain of was that she didn’t want to walk the same path as her parents.

. . .

Steve held the door open to the library, letting the others walk through. Libraries were easily Maeven’s favorite place in any school. She could spend hours exploring the collection of knowledge each one held.

“And this is the library. It’s usually the busiest when we have Study Hall. Other than that, it’s pretty quiet,” Nancy said.

“It’s nice,” Maeven pointed out, tapping her fingernails against the hardwood table. She found that most libraries were neutral territory; always a little colder than the rest of the rooms in schools and smelled pretty nice despite the fact that some of the books held there were old and dusty. She could picture herself spending a lot of time here, even in the afternoons after school let out. That is if Billy wasn’t too impatient to get driving her and Max home out of the way.

“Yeah, I bet I’m probably gonna find you in here a lot,” Billy joked, playfully nudging Maeven’s arm. He turned to Steve and Nancy. “She’s a bit of a nerd,” he said, pointing at her like it was a big secret.

“I like school. What can I say?”

“No one likes school, Maeven,” Billy laughed at her as they left the library. Nancy noticed the way Maeven seemed to shrink into herself whenever he talked about her, and found herself wondering why.

Nearing the end of the tour as they continued down the halls, Maeven turned back to the map in her sketchbook, marking down the library. The group suddenly stopped at the sound of a shrill, clearly annoyed voice coming from the nearby classroom. Maeven flinched, almost dropping her sketchbook.

“I expect to see you back here next Sunday, Munson! I got you for the next four weeks and I’d rather not see you after that!”

The door to the classroom practically slammed open, making Maeven jump again. Out walked the other end of that seemingly dreadful conversation; a tall boy with a leather jacket and a denim vest with many hand-sewn patches.

“Oh, come on! I know you’d miss me sooner or later, McGrady!” he laughed, tripping over his own feet before regaining his balance and leaning against the set of lockers across from the classroom.

He was a metalhead; that much was obvious, donning a Black Sabbath shirt with ripped jeans and silver rings decorating his fingers. Maeven could see him and Billy getting along. They clearly had the same taste in music, but this Munson guy didn’t seem like the type to hang around jocks due to the way he eyed Steve up and down with purse distaste.

 Even if she only observed him for ten seconds, Maeven could tell that he was a troublemaker. He acted awfully confident and cocky for someone who still had a month of weekend detentions to get through. 

She also couldn’t deny that this guy was an absolute specimen of a human being; his wide brown eyes and the dimples in his smooth cheeks complimented his strong jawline. The bottom locks of his dark brown hair were a little uneven and choppy, stopping just above his soldiers similar to the way hers was. Again, Maeven liked pretty boys; the boys who almost had feminine features and weren’t afraid to show them off.

And of course, he had to have tattoos. She only caught a glimpse of what appeared to be a cluster of bats on his right arm, but it was enough to send a warm chill throughout her body as she squeezed her thighs together. Maeven found her mind lustfully wandering through the possibility of ghosting her fingers over the ink on his skin that no one else saw.

“Munson,” Steve acknowledged him, passively.

“Harrington,” he replied with a wide, teasing smile before turning his eyes to Billy, nodding, “Guy I’ve never seen before.” he nodded.

As he collected his backpack from the ground and turned to pass the group, he turned to Nancy and Maeven; the first giving him a half-smile laced with annoyed tolerance, while the second just stared. It wasn’t in a rude way, though. Maeven observed Munson with widely curious eyes, reminding him of an owl. As he walked past them, he playfully held out his arm and gave a short bow, the same way a gentleman would allow a woman to pass sixty years or so ago. 

“Ladies,” he excused himself before walking the other way. His frivolous demeanor and spirited attitude made Maeven blush, prompting her to bring up her sketchbook up just below her eyes. She huffed out a small laugh as she watched him walk out the double doors, a strange spring in his step.

“Who the fuck was that guy?” Billy asked, looking at Nancy and Steve.

“Nobody important,” Steve rolled his eyes.

. . .

By the time Steve and Nancy finished giving Billy and Maeven the tour, they were n the completely opposite side of the building from where the main office was. 

“Aaaand I guess that’s pretty much it,” Steve concluded, clapping his hands together. “But I suggest you stay away from the woods by the bleachers over there. It’s where our resident freak over there likes to deal.” 

They stopped at the end of a long hallway next to a set of bathrooms and double doors leading out to the football field. Steve warily gestured to the dark woods nestling behind the rusty, silver bleachers.

Maeven wanted to ask for more clarification, but Billy beat her to it.

“You mean drugs?” he laughed

“Yeah. It’s that crazy guy we saw who just got out of detention. I’d steer clear of him. He got held back,” Nancy answered.

Maeven decided to file that piece of information under ‘private’ for a later date. Even if she didn’t plan on being open about it, it was a little more reassuring that she wouldn’t be the only repeat in school this year. And now she knew who to flag down with a private note in a locker when she needed to replenish her stash.

“Noted. I’mma go take a leak,” Billy announced. Nancy handed her purse to Steve, who willingly accepted it.

“I have to go, too. I’ll be right back,” she smiled, leaning up to give him a small peck on the cheek.

“‘Kay.” Steve muttered, giving her a small rub on her back before waving her off. That left him and the new girl in silence by the doors.

She was leaning on her shoulder on the glass window of the door, focussing her attention down in her sketchbook as she raised one leg behind her to give it a break from walking for so long. The glass of the window chilled her cheek as she rested against it, making her arm stim as she shook the feeling off. Her abrupt and random movement caused Steve’s eyebrows to knit. To him, it seemed like her arm was possessed for a split second. Then again, he had definitely seen stranger things happen.

“Aren’t you gonna go rub one out in the bathroom?” the voice suddenly asked Maeven, who gripped her pen in frustration.

“Not with Nancy in there,” she silently replied. “What if she tries to talk to me? I’ll do it when I get home.”

“You’ve touched yourself before with other girls in the stalls next to you. You should’ve done it in the shower this morning. If you don’t go now, you’re gonna regret it later,” it taunted.

“I said ‘no.’”

“Suit yourself.”

“So, your brother seems. . .”

“Step-brother,” Maeven corrected Steve, not breaking her gaze on her sketchbook. She finished her map and drew a little marijuana leaf near the woods as a reference for herself. She would color it when she got home, as well as the rest of the school with her many art materials.

“Your stepbrother seems like. . .kind of an ass?” Steve phrased it like a question, testing the waters before he could dive straight in. Maeven found herself laughing. Steve definitely wasn’t sugar-coating it.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tattle on you. He is kind of a prick, sometimes,” she laughed, closing her sketchbook before tucking it into her backpack. She turned to lean her back against the doors as she teetered on her heels, crossing one foot in front of the other as she held her hands together

Steve looked down at her feet, taking notice of the number of scuff marks and the painted white stars on the toes of Maeven’s doc martens. She wore colorfully mismatched socks with random stripes and designs. He caught a small glimpse of the fishnet tights underneath them, pondering at her unique combination.

“Soooo, uh. . .why do they call you Maeven?” He casually asked, not really knowing what else he could say. 

“I’m named after my aunt Maggie, but it gets confusing. Maeven’s my middle name,” she replied, twirling the loose threads of her sweater around her fingers.

“Oh, okay. Got it,” Steve nodded, followed by another awkward silence. 

Maeven wasn’t exactly the type of person Steve would chose to hang out with in his spare time. He couldn’t even really pinpoint what she was all about. This girl was obviously an intelligent over-achiever, but seemed so withdrawn and quiet up close and personal. Most smart kids he met were major attention seekers. For someone who dressed in such a hardcore manner, she wasn’t loud and angry and actually seemed very nice. She was also apparently an artsy nerd indicated by the stickers on her sketchbook and Billy’s earlier comment. Steve wondered if she would get along with Mike and his friends. But he didn’t understand why Billy seemed so fond of her. She seemed more of the type to hang out with freaks like Munson.

“So, you and Nancy? You guys seem happy,” Maeven observed, bringing Steve’s train of thought off-track. It took him a moment to process and answer her.

“Yeah,” he perked up, suddenly grateful that the silence was over. “We’ve been going out for a little over a year now,” Steve reminisced.

“Nice,” Maeven gave him a closed-mouth smile with an added nod. It was reassuring that she noticed him and Nancy without knowing anything prior; it meant the sparks were still there. . .weren’t they?

“What’s it like in California?” he wondered aloud. Maeven’s eyes left his for a moment and she gathered her thoughts.

“A lot bigger. . .and sunnier. Also not as chilly in the fall as it is here.” she told Steve. She found it odd that she never really realized how overwhelmingly warm it was in California until she was moved across the country. It felt nice, though; like a breath of fresh air.

“Yeah. I bet you have a lot more to do there than here,” Steve guessed. He could only really imagine. He had barely tread outside Indiana his whole life, let alone Hawkins. Sure, he was interested in the world outside his home town, but was perfectly content staying right where he was.

“Well, we may have malls and skyscrapers, yeah. But it's packed with people,” Maeven explained, unwrapping the thread from her finger to let the blood flow back in.

“It’s a big state. Hawkins must be a big downgrade,” Steve humbled himself and his home town. He was well aware Hawkins wasn’t really anyone’s first choice.

“Not necessarily,” Maeven counter-argued.

“You like it here?”

“It’s growing on me; a change in temperature, lots of woods surrounding us, not as crowded. What more could I ask for?”

Maeven found the town of Hawkins, Indiana weirdly endearing; a nice change from the overwhelming suffocation of city life, even if she did happen to sense a strange vibe from it. Still, Steve pressed on. He found it hard to believe that she found Hawkins more exciting than California, of all places.

“What part of the state are you from?”

“San Diego. Well, also a little bit from San Francisco,” Maeven told him.

“Really? How does that work?”

“When you’re parents are divorced,” she casually said. Her reply hit a nerve in Steve. 

His parent’s weren’t divorced, so he couldn’t exactly relate. But as far as he was concerned, they should be split up. His mom obviously didn’t trust his father to go anywhere without being under her supervision, lest he ends up seducing other women. That wasn’t what a marriage was supposed to be. Steve promised himself that his and Nancy’s would be different; better.

“So. . .I’m guessing your mom married Billy’s dad?” he guessed. When he saw her mother and sister earlier, he could definitely see the resemblance.

“Yeah. They’ve been together for about ten months now,” Maeven said, to which Steve was taken aback.

“Woah, okay.”

“What?”

“Just seems a little fast. That’s all,” he pointed out. He was raised to believe that you had to court someone for at least a year before even considering marriage.

“It is, yeah. Trust me. I didn’t even find out they were engaged until after they got married,” Maeven rolled her eyes.

“Seriously?” Steve tried to suppress his laugh, which Maeven joined in on.

He was surprised she didn’t seem more pissed about it. He certainly would be if he was forced into that situation.

“No offense, but, uhm. . .how did you miss that?”

“Don’t mention that you were in the looney bin for three months. He’s not gonna want to be your friend anymore if he thinks you’re crazy. He already saw you twitch your arm,” the voice warned her.

“I was. . .busy. I kinda buried myself in school and parties,” she told him. It wasn’t exactly a lie; just leaving out three months of the timeline. But Steve didn’t need to know that.

Keeping herself occupied with all her homework, afterschool clubs, drug-fueled parties, and many interests kept her mind off of her parents. There were times when she managed to convince herself her parents weren’t even a part of her life. Of course, she knew that they were still there, but their presence and roles to Maeven were tuned out. She didn’t recognize the people they had become and had to learn to somehow live without seeing them together anymore.

It was a change that she never prepared for, and still found it hard to grasp at times.

“I gotta say, you are. . .totally not what I expected you to be,” Steve realized.

“Really? What were you expecting?” Maeven asked him.

“Most of the smart kids or honor students here are pretty loud and proud. You’re just. . .” he droned, struggling to find the right word.

“Humble?” she suggested.

“Yeah, sure. I was gonna say ‘shy,’ but that works, too,” he clarified. “And now I find out you like parties, and my whole vision of you has changed again.”

Steve wasn’t as noticeably perceptive as Nancy was, that was for sure. But he seemed to make up for it in natural charisma. He also appeared more emotionally intelligent than his girlfriend, even if it seemed like he was still adjusting to his new learning curve.

“You ever heard that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, Steven?” she joked with him.

“I have, indeed,” he playfully answered.

“To tell you the truth, I didn’t really understand it until about a year ago,” he confessed, internally cringing at his behavior last year. He still couldn’t believe it had been that long already.

“That’s surprising,” Maeven told him.

“What is?”

“Not to be a hypocrite, but I didn’t peg you as a mean guy,” she added, much to Steve’s relief. He often found himself worrying he was still the same ‘douche-bag,’ as Mike had once called him, that he was a not-too-long ago. Steve didn’t like the person he became when he was around Tommy and Carol.

“Well, that’s good to hear,” he admitted. 

“Yeah, you don’t have the whole. . .asshole jock energy the same way Billy does. Sounds like you used to, though?”

Was this girl psychic? It was really starting to freak him out, But he kept talking, anyway.

“Not exactly proud of it, but yeah.”

“I think you should be. . .about changing for the better, that is,” Maeven explained. Steve had never thought about it that way, before. He ended up more engaged in this conversation with the new girl than he thought he would be.

“What classes do you have, by the way?” It just dawned on him, and it triggered Mae to move quickly when taking off her backpack as if she was in a hurry.

“Let me check, hold on,” she said, swiftly dropping to crouch on the ground and dig around inside for the schedule the lady at the front office handed to her.

“Where did that sudden burst of energy come from?” Steve thought to himself. He considered asking why she carried so much stuff in her bag but decided against it.

“Uhmm. . .History and Literature 4 for First period. Then Biology 4, Art, Health. After lunch, it’s Algebra 4, Gym, and then Study Hall. But, I guess that last one is what everyone has,” she read aloud, leaning over to Steve’s side so he could have a look at the paper, too.

“Oh, good, we have Lit and gym together,” he pointed out. “And I think you have Health and Math with Nancy.”

“Nice to know I won't be totally flying blind,” she sighed with relief.

“You’re taking a lot of advanced classes. Higgins wasn’t kidding when he said you were smart,” he complimented. Maeven was about to thank him, but the voice in her head stopped her, ruining it like he hadn’t said anything nice about her at all.“Don’t tell him you should be a senior. Don’t tell him you had to repeat a year. Don’t be stupid, Maeven.”

. . .

A/N: Thanks so much for tuning in and all the love I've gotten back on this! It may not be a lot in terms of other fanfics, but I'm happy even if just one person enjoys my writing. This took longer to write than I thought, as I had to split up what I had originally planned for this one and put it into the next one. As always, I love hearing what you guys think about this and maybe what you might want to see or think will happen.

The Spitfire Curse Taglist:

@yaidothat

Let me know if you'd like to be added to the taglist!

[forestcat000]

Janus x Zane

because Relationship lore won here's the first post for it. (also a reminder the relationships for Relationship lore can be platonic romantic familial or hatred)

Janus has feeling for Zane. he's had them since middle school. Janus wasn't sure when his feelings for Zane started, maybe it was when Zane tried to beat up Janus' bullies, or when Zane made him cupcakes for his birthday when everyone else forgot, all Janus knew was they loved Zane as more than a friend, and he would do anything to keep Zane safe. Zane had been Janus' only true friend for years the only one who didn't look at them like there was something wrong, which is why they never wanted to say anything incase it ruined their friendship, but secrets don't stay hidden forever.

Zane had come to the conclusion that he loved Janus in his second year of Phoenix Drop High. Zane remembered the exact day he realized he was in love with Janus. Zane was in the hospital after dislocating his hip, Zane's family was to busy to see him. the only person who came to see him was Janus, Janus brought Zane some books, stuffed animals and blanket from home to help make Zane more comfortable. they talked for hours, about school, the jury, stupid things their siblings did. then after being with Zane for hours Janus had to leave. after Janus left Zane realized he felt alone, more alone then when other people left him, he started thinking and realized he always missed Janus more than other people, and how he was more attached to Janus then others, how he felt when Janus was around, the warmth and happiness he felt when Janus held his hand or hugged him, then he realized it, he was in love, he tried to ignore it but the feelings didn't go away.

confession:

year 3 of phoenix drop high

it had been a long day, Zane and Garte had a verbal fight, he got into a physical fight with Ein, Garroth lectured him about fighting, he had to stop Ivy from attacking a person with her tazer, in conclusion Zane was tired. usually after a day like this he would go home scream into his pillow and go to sleep but he had something he needed to do, something that he had been putting off for about a year, something that could go horribly wrong and ruin years worth of friendship. Janus had agreed to meet Zane near the river. Zane had a bouquet of flowers in his hands behind his back, he saw Janus standing on the small bridge going across the river. Janus smiled when they saw Zane. Zane usually didn't gush over someone's smile but Janus was always the exception. Janus' smile always made Zane happy. "hey Zane, you said you wanted to talk to me about something?' Janus spoke. Zane took a deep breath, he had rehearsed what to say to Janus hundreds of times but all of it disappeared in that moment. "yes, i need to talk to you about something very important." Janus started looking slightly concerned. "is everything ok?" Janus asked. "yes everything is fine, i just want you to know." Zane took another deep breath before continuing. "I love you.." Zane took the flowers out from behind his back. there was silence, a long awkward silence. Janus just stared at Zane. Zane felt an impending sense of dread, Janus must hate him now. after more tense silence Janus picked up one of Zane's hands and kissed it. Janus had a big happy smile on his face but also looked like they were about to cry. "I love you so much, I never thought you would ever feel the same way" Janus spoke. a smile went across Zane's masked face.

confession end

I hope whoever reads this enjoyed it. I hope everyone has a good day.

[discotreque]

Personal log, Stardate fuck this shit

So I’ve had this little Tumblr since November 2017. It’s my “processing feelings about Star Trek” blog, obvs. I did not expect nearly a thousand people—okay, dozens of people and hundreds of bots, lbr—would end up reading my feelings about Star Trek.

Well, here we are. And the thing is, I don’t think I’ve ever had this many feelings about Star Trek. I don’t mean since Nov. ’17. I mean since 1991.

You’ve been warned.

Last week—and I mean the one we literally just had—was the worst week of my entire life. Instant winner! That’s right: worse than the week I got divorced, worse than Christmas-to-New Year’s 2002, worse than the third week of high school. I’m not going to process those feelings in public—it’s not 2002 anymore—but, unfortunately, that’s important context for the rest of this.

More important context: TNG specifically was my comfort blanket throughout a “let’s call it difficult” childhood. I’ve loved that starship and that crew for over 30 years. When I’ve been at rock bottom, not totally sure I’m going to survive whatever bullshit is in front of me, I put on an episode, or an interview with the cast on YouTube or something, and things feel infinitesimally more okay.

At this point in my life, they’re the best and only family I’ve got. The bridge of that fictional starship feels more like home to me than anywhere I’ve ever lived. I don’t consider myself superior to, or even separate from, any brand-new fan who discovered Trek yesterday—honestly, I prefer their energy—it just hits differently for me, you know? I can’t be rational about it.

Anyhow. This season of Picard. What a ride, right? A stupidly plotted, stupidly slow ride to a disappointingly obvious conclusion, if I’m going to be harsh about it. But I don’t actually care if it sucks. I’m 90% here for space-family feels and 10% here for Seven of Nine: Leather Jacket MILF Edition, and that’s about it.

And… like… fuck. Fucking shit, y’all. My heart and soul have been pulverized to powder for non-Star Trek reasons since last Sunday. I’ve been feeling like I just got kicked in the stomach for about 170 hours straight. I have never had a stable life; I have never felt so destabilized. Basically everything sucks 47 different kinds of ass, and it’s not going to stop sucking those asses for a long, long time.

So it fucking goes. None of that other shit killed me. I’m not going down now.

But. Or maybe and? In the middle of this waking nightmare, I got to come home. The LCARS. The aggressively flat lighting. The carpet. My family.

I used to sit so close to the TV when Next Gen was on. When I was like 8 or 9 years old. I wanted to be there, so badly. To be completely honest with you, I still do.

And I get to spend one more hour there. I get to watch my space family be together again, be awesome again, watch them save the day from the beautiful beige bridge of the USS Enterprise-D one last time.

Now. This week. When I need it more than ever. A glass of ice water in hell.

What a gift.

[maybebabyplease]

ten books to know me

thank you for the tag @mblematic i sat down to do this IMMEDIATELY i’ve maybe never been so excited

the secret history by donna tartt 

well what do i even say about this. if you know you know. this is my favorite book ever! nothing tops it!

slow days, fast company by eve babitz

reading this book for the first time at 22 when i had just moved to LA and really started doing drugs and fucking bad actors...i cannot explain it. eve is like. the whole reason i’m a writer now still -- i stopped writing in college (too busy doing drugs and fucking bad musicians at that time) and this book inspired me to start back up and actually work hard at it. thank god.

and i do not forgive you by amber sparks

THE short story collection that made me realize i could write about whatever i felt like writing about. i’ve taken class with amber and she’s just incredible. wildly talented, excellent teacher, taught me everything i know about editing! 

modern madness: an owner’s manual by terri cheney

you could insert any of terri’s books here, but i do have such a soft spot for modern madness. terri was one of the first people to really talk to me about bipolar disorder, and to help me understand what was happening to me and how to get help. her memoirs are devastating, but she’s proof of the strength people can have in the face of severe mental illness. 

leaving the atocha station by ben lerner

this book has writing that i just want to bathe in. i don’t hardly ever read books by men, but ben lerner is a GENIUS. the macarthur fellowship thinks so too!

the disreputable history of frankie landau-banks by e.l. lockhart

formative formative formative. this is where i learned to love words and wordplay. also where i discovered p.g. wodehouse! horizons: broadened.

the princess diaries by meg cabot

was this series sex ed for anyone else? it was sex ed for me. i used to sneak into the high school library and check these books out when i was in like 7th grade. truly so important everybody say thank you meg cabot (thank you meg cabot!!)

the physics of sorrow by georgi gospodinov, trans. angela rodel

this book really got me into translations! i love love love it. it’s so interesting to see literature from other places, and this was the first book i read outside of school that wasn’t originally in english. so valuable and set me on quite the journey (death and the penguin i’m looking at u)

howl’s moving castle by dianna wynne jones

i think this might be my most re-read book? i try to read it every year during scorpio season, because it just has That Vibe to me. it never gets old! 

rules for saying goodbye by katherine taylor

i...don’t know where to begin with this book. katherine taught me how to burn bridges with my writing and not give a fuck at all. i wish i could describe katherine, because she is someone i so adore, but she is beyond words. anyway, the protagonist of rfsg is also named kate taylor. that’s probably all i really need to say. what a woman.

honorable mention: looking for alaska by john green

HOW did i manage to stay alive after reading this book.....the damage that was done...........john green u owe my parents therapy money babe!

OOPS I FORGOT TO TAG! tagging @pancakehouse @colgatebluemintygel @moongays @thebloatedfrog @queemes @blackberry-sunset @pinklume and anyone else who wants to do it! i LOVE to see what books shaped people! what a thrill!

[motownfiction]

bullied

Will’s not sure if Lucy knows that some of the other kids are bullying her.

He doesn’t know what her kindergarten class in Connecticut was like, but it had to be different, fancier, and smarter than first grade at St. Catherine’s. Most kids at St. Catherine’s still don’t understand that Jesus wasn’t Catholic. There’s no way they know what to do with someone like Lucy, who’s read more things at age seven than most of these kids will read before junior high.

The worst part is that Lucy talks about the things she reads.

And she talks about them like everyone else understands what she’s talking about.

Will isn’t put off by it, of course. He thinks everything Lucy does is fascinating. He may only be seven years old himself, but he’s never met anyone like her. Before she and her family moved in next door to Will and his family, Will was normal. He never thought about the art on the walls. But then Lucy came into his life and taught him about Matisse. He hasn’t stopped being able to see the impressions since.

It’s just that this one might be a bridge too far.

The school year is winding down faster than anyone can really believe, and it’s almost fun to play at recess when the sun is shining down on everyone. Lucy’s been reading Pride and Prejudice again, and Will’s been listening when they play on the swings together. He likes hearing the stories about Lydia running off with that Mr. Wick-whoever, about how Darcy is apparently a boy’s name, and about how Elizabeth always says what she means, even when she shouldn’t. Will notices how Lucy’s eyes sparkle when she talks about the book, and he wonders how he can get a sparkle like that for himself.

Lucy’s eyes really sparkle when she tells Will that she thinks they should make a play out of Pride and Prejudice, just for the kids in their class. After all, they loved that little Johnny Appleseed play they all had to do for the spring open house. Wouldn’t Pride and Prejudice be better?

Will is only seven years old, but he knows that most seven-year-old children don’t want to pretend to be nineteenth-century English bachelors. He’ll do it, of course. He’ll do anything for his friends, especially Lucy. But he might be the only one.

But, of course, Lucy has a plan. She’s never done anything by half, so she already has little scripts written out to give to the other kids in Ms. Cunningham’s class. She wrote them all by hand in her bizarre printing style where she can’t stay in the lines, so everything ends up looking a little like a word tornado. The other kids have been making fun of her for it all year, but Will thinks it’s pretty cool. He trained himself to read Lucy’s writing. He didn’t want her to think no one could understand her.

She hands the little scripts to the other kids on their way back into the building. She tells Robby Blair he’d make an excellent Mr. Wick-whatever, and she tells Nick Crosby that he’d do well as the Bennets’ cousin, Mr. Collins. As she says it, the boys turn to each other and laugh like ghouls. Will’s stomach turns itself inside out, and his dignity’s not even the one on the line.

He could just kill anybody who makes Lucy feel bad.

Robby Blair mutters something about needing to memorize his lines. Will looks at Lucy to see if she believes him, and somehow, she does. Once he and Crosby are out of earshot, Will tugs on Lucy’s hand.

“They just bullied you!” Will says.

“No, they didn’t,” Lucy says. “I don’t get bullied.”

“They were really mean.”

“They just said they needed to learn their lines.”

“But they’re never coming back! No one wants to be in your play!”

In that very second, Lucy’s eyes lose just a little bit of their sparkle.

And Will’s heart loses just a little bit of its joy.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I wanna be in your play.”

Lucy smiles very slowly, and Will is too young to understand why she’d be looking at him like that at a time like this.

“Do you wanna be Darcy?” she asks.

“Uh-huh.” And that’s the story of how a seven-year-old boy learned the phrase most ardently.

(part of @nosebleedclub july challenge -- day xvi! yes, i am still valiantly trying on this one)

[abbysimsfun]

Sims In Bloom: Generation 2 Pt. 52 (Marcus Flex is...Gone???)

Brindleton Pawspital was touched by scandal in mid-autumn, with Heather left scrambling and down a vet tech when Marcus Flex disappeared.

THE BACKSTORY: Rahul Chopra and his high school sweetheart, Rashidah Watson, had moved from Henford-on-Bagley to Brindleton Bay after their graduation. Growing up in Henford, Heather knew their families, but since she'd moved to the coast herself, she'd only gotten to know the Chopras when they came to the clinic.

Then Rashidah died of heat stroke during Brindleton's oppressive summer heat wave, leaving Rahul raising three teenagers alone. And now that the Chopras' old German Shepherd, Jax, had crossed the rainbow bridge, Heather saw Rahul and his children even less - except for Thomasine, of course, one of Rahul's twin daughters.

The Chopras circumstances piqued Heather's interest after Bella Goth's bartender boyfriend Diego left her for Rahul and moved to the Chopras' converted boathouse in Cavalier Cove.

Heather was aware her 22-year-old vet tech, Marcus Flex, was interested in Rahul's 18-year-old daughter, Thomasine. But after Heather warned him to keep his distance until she'd finished school or she'd fire him, she eventually stopped spotting Rahul's daughter waiting for Marcus to finish work in the evenings. Her vet tech knew better than to test her after she worked so hard to repeal the town's free love statute, and he needed to save up for the life he wanted with Thomasine.

But then it was graduation season, and Thomasine and her sister, Ranvi, were in this year's graduating class at Deadgrass Isle High.

Marcus was late to work the morning after the town hall ceremony, which wasn't unusual, but rather than race in a few minutes late while still changing into his scrubs, the clock kept ticking. She called but he didn't pick up his phone. Neither Kaori nor Rico, her other vet techs, had seen him.

Then she found the note he'd scribbled on a napkin in one of her exam rooms.

Sorry to leave like this. Keep my last paycheck. I waited like you said, but we left to be together. Thanks for everything. Marcus Flex

After work, she went over to the Chopras.

"Tommie left a note, too," said Ranvi. "She was upset with our dad for remarrying and wanted to get away. She left with Marcus in the middle of the night and said they won't say where they're going until they know where that's going to be."

"If I can ever find the time to finish my next mobile app, how will I know where to send his royalties?"

"I don't think he cares, Doc Nesbitt."

Heather wasn't entirely disappointed to see Marcus go - she'd given him a lot more chances than he probably deserved, and it was her mistake to keep him on staff so long despite all the trouble. But he'd proven he wasn't entirely hopeless and she'd had a soft spot for him. He was the first vet tech she'd ever hired and trained, and though he wasn't a great employee, he tried most of the time.

But training a new tech was going to take time and energy Heather barely had already, pulling her from time she preferred to devote to her boyfriend and her son.

She tried to get by with just Kaori and Rico at the clinic for a while, hoping to put off having to train someone new, but it left her working long hours. Conrad's union job meant he was home the same time every night, and Heather could always rely on him to pick up Ash from daycare if she couldn't get away from the clinic.

But some nights she'd get in so late, she'd find Conrad reading Ash to sleep in his room.

As grateful as she was to have support as she raised her son, she felt like she was missing Ash's milestones when she left him at daycare every weekday morning. ->

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