#i never pictured myself doing something like this ive been obsessing over it all day

[coyoteuugly]

i cheated last night

[colectingstrz]

THE RECEPTIONIST ☏

➤ (📞) GENRE: fluff, strangers to lovers | PAIRING: jay x fem reader | WC : 1.9k | SUMMARY: When you find your self crushing hard and constantly go to your local hospital just so you could see the cute receptionist again or in which the cute receptionist is amused by your antics and secretly anticipates your return.

SOO’S SMOL NOETY 📝:

𖤐 lowkey off topic but I’m quite embarrassed to say I’ve never seen these pictures of jay before... (＃＞＜) Like ive been stanning enha sine iland as well I don’t get it.. I came across this and was so shocked cuz how come I’ve NEVER SEEN THESE JAY PICS!!?? it’s just added an extra 5 years onto my lifespan (thank you to my man!! 🥰) + this is 80% proof read see a weird word? Erase it from your memory ❤️

YOUR MOTHER WAS DRAMATIC. Everything little thing that happened, she would inflate out of proportion, just like today. When you called her and told her you had some odd rashes, she freaked out and arrived to your university accommodation within 10 minutes. You tried to reassure her that it wasn't deep, but she didn't want to hear it. Assuming the worst, she literally dragged you by your ear to her car and drove you to the hospital.

The whole thing was humiliating as your friends and anyone who lived in your section watched the whole interaction form their windows. You understand your mother wanted to make sure you were alright. Especially as you were the youngest sibling she always was extra mindful of you. But she was doing way to much for your liking. You just wanted to get this over with and go home.

Once you arrived you and your mother approached the counter and rang the bell so that a receptionists could be alerted. Soon a tall male appeared “ I apologise for the wait I had an important call.. what can I do for you miss?” You shot your head up once you heard the voice stepping closer and locking eyes with him .

For you, it was love at first sight. He was cute, he was handsome, and all of the above. You had never seen anyone as attractive as him in your 20 years of living. Who is this angel from above his jawline? I need him to cut me in ha- " y/n sweetie, why don't you explain your problem to the gentleman?"

Oh yeah..my rashes

“uh... I have some rashes uh... that are uh... spreading all over umm..my back” you internally slapped yourself for speaking like that and stuttering it's bad enough you showed up with your mum at your big age and now this..what was he supposed to think of you. It was difficult to concentrate on your words as his deep brown eyes were fixed on you.

He hummed as he scribbled something on his notes, “ladies please sit over there on the red chairs and make yourself comfortable I'll set you up with one of our doctors in a minute ” oh I'll make myself comfortable alright “pardon? ” You covered your mouth with your hands as you gasped, realising you had spoken out loud. Here I am again, embarrassing myself in front of him .

The male chuckled to himself before heading off down the hall.

Later that week more like 2 days after you found yourself at the hospital again Why? Because you were sick sick. Suffering from what? A bad case of I’m attracted to my hospitals receptionist syndrome and you needed an antidote quickly.So What perfect way to curs yourself by seeing the cause instead.

Plus you couldn’t focus at uni he lived in your head rent free and you didn’t even know his name. You wanted to talk to him again to hear his deep voice. Maybe you were obsessed ? Crazy? But you were crazy in love and needed to see him. So during your free you took the train and made your way to the hospital.

As you approached the counter you were met with an unfamiliar pair of eyes it was another receptionist. Where’s the sexy jawline dude who the hell is this old woman? “ umm excuse me ? Where’s the hot receptionist” the lady looked up from her paper and raised a brow eyeing you up and down “ if your a fan girl please excuse yourself out the hospital if your not actually sick “ tch she has an attitude “ uhh..im actually his girlfriend im here to drop somthing off ! I’ll be quick” you forced a smile as she squinted her eyes once more giving you a look as if searching for you obvious lie but she seemed to buy it “ I’ll call him for you stay here ” she disappears into the back and eventually your “boyfriend” comes out.

“ boyfriend ? “ he raised a brow with an amused smile on his face. You will be soon you just don’t know it yet “ i..uhh I only said that so you could come out please don’t misunderstand anything ” he nodded sitting down on the chair “ well then since you requested me what do you need ? ” you didn’t actually come there with a plan. Not having enough time to think of some fake diagnosis to give yourself you chose to be honest.

A sudden wave of confidence washes over you “ I need you ” he raised a brow “pardon ?” You nodd “ you heard me” the male chuckles to himself “you came all the way just to say this.. I’ll applaud you for your determination but im not interested ” im going to throw my self of a building “ don’t speak so soon.. once you get to know me your going to become interested” he hummed “ sure sure” you crossed your arms “ well if your going to reject me can I at least know the name of the guy I’ve been dreaming about ” he smirks “ you’ve been dreaming about me? Your very honest I like that.. and the names jay “ even his name is sexy

“ I’m honest and a lot more things you will like if your willing to find out jay..” you graced your fingers over his lightly before turning off to leave. With a proud smile on your face

Jay didn’t really understand what just happed but he found you amusing. It’s not like he hadn’t had girls come here and put it on him but something about the way you carried yourself and acted was different. He wouldn’t admit it but he hoped to see you some time soon.

As quick as the next day you showed up. You approach the counter to be met with the same old annoying lady “ here to see your boyfriend? I’ll get him ” maybe she’s not so annoying anymore you smiled to yourself as your little lie seemed to be doing you wonders

“ good afternoon jay how’ve you been did you miss me” he rolled his eyes while flicking though some documents “ you’ve been gone for 21 hours.. there’s nothing to miss it hasn’t even been a full day” he was counting..? “ you counted how many hours soooo…you did miss me didn’t you ?” you spoke with a slight blush on your cheeks at the thought that he actually missed you to some extent. Jay noticed this he thought it was cute how easily flustered you got “ your cute when you blush ” hearing him say that you made your legs melt like jelly almost losing balance to the point jay even stood up reaching out for your arm in concern

“ y/n.. are you alright ?” You nodd slowly “ you know my name..” you speak in a dazed tone to which jay smiles “ of course your not someone to forget.. so are you actually sick or.. you came here to see me” what do you think “ no this time I’m actually a little under the weather do you want to know why jay ” he nodded getting out his notepad

“ I’m stuffing from unrequited love.. the guy I like doesn’t feel the same way.. and I think I might die from a broken heart ” you spoke dramatically with a small pout flashing jay your doe eyes hoping he would be tranced by your attempt to be cute and fall in love with you. To your shock he flicked your forehead “ ouch! Why would you do that ! ” he now moved closer to you placing his hands on the counter staring at you deeply

“ it seems your suffering form something else too.. stupidity ” huh? What is that supposed to mean “ what.. please elaborate I’m unaware of this symptom” you speak deeply confused so you move closer to jay urging him for an answer. Almost closing the distance between the two of you. You action caught jay of guard causing him to move back and hide his deep blush with a cough “ that’s a conversation for another time “ you raise a brow “ another time? So you intend to see me again when’s the date ” he laughs “ I never said I was taking you out on a date ” you pout again

“ fine then.. I guess I’ll just go to another hospital form now on..” you turn to leave wishing he would follow you but the more you headed to the entrance you realised he wasn’t. You sighed maybe this is a sign I should move on.

Though just as you stepped foot out the entrance you felt a force pull you to an outside wall pushing you against it. You were shocked to see jay. “ are you that dense y/n” what what what “Huh..? I don’t I.. I don’t understand ” his eyes flicked from your eyes to your lips he seemed as if he heisted at the thought of kissing you

“ on second thought.. I-I don’t need to understand if your going to kiss me just do it ” he chuckled lightly placing his finger on your lips “ I want to make that move in a better and more appropriate setting if you get what I mean” he still wants to kiss me so a win is a win.

you couldn’t belive that this whole time jay liked you back you mentally facepalm yourself for being so dense how did you not notice sooner? A regular person would have shooed you away yet he entertained it all. It was so obvious I’m an idiot

He pulls away from you slightly now resting on the wall next to you

“ wait so you really did miss me? ” he nodded but you didn’t fail to miss the small tint of red that was evident on his ears as he attempted to turn away “ yeah.. I actually gave you my number but I guess you didn’t notice “ you raise a brow number HE GAVE ME HIS NUMBER AND I DIDINT NOTICE !?

“ wait wait wait when? “ he shrugged “ on the first day I wrote it on a sheet of paper and when I escorted you and your mom to the doctor I slipped it into your bag since you left it open Damm it this was the 3rd mental facepalming you had revived for your actions, as you do in fact remember seeing a scrunched up ball of paper but assumed it was rubbish and threw it in the trash.

“ I threw that in the bin thinking it was rubbish oh my gosh Jay why didn’t you just straight up say it to me my memory is impeccable!” he smiles “ I wanted to tease you a little bit longer I like seeing you all cute and flustered ” now it was your turn away and hide the blush on your face.

You had so much more you wanted to say to him but the interaction was cut short by that annoying old lady. Yes after what interrupting your lil moment with jay she became annoying again

“ Jay.. stop sucking your girlfriends face off and answer to some customers I’m on my break !” She yells as you could hear her approaching. You turn to jay with a frown. Though Shocking both you and him Jay unknowingly places a quick kiss on your cheek mouthing a small “I’ll see you later” before running back into the hospital.

You sigh as you lean on the wall placing your hand on your cheek as you relived the moment on reply. Again and again and again and again- “ y/n!” you hear jay call out for you. He approached you quickly placing a folded paper in your Palm “ my number.. please don’t throw it away again and call me”

And he sped off again

You smiled to yourself as you held the paper firmly in your hand not wanting to let go. You never knew in your life that you would be thanking your mother for being so dramatic.

@COPYRIGHTS SOOTREEPEAR 2023

𖤐 steal my work and I’ll come to your house and suck your blood 🧛‍♀️

𖤐 This story is very personal to me not that I’ve done this before 💀 but like it’s so real to me cuz this is exactly what i would do if In some other universe jay was a receptionist at my local hospital tho the difference is I’ll just admire him from after 😔 Aniiii ways I hope you liked it !!

- peace and love ♡︎

𖤐 link to my other works

[ifhymona]

٭* Not Too Late *٭

Chapter 4 | chino moreno x reader

chapter 3 ~ chapter 5 | ao3

1.6k words

a/n: !! PLEASE READ !! the chapter is going back to y/n and chino’s argument, in case anyone is confused !

chino’s pov:

she turned around and walked away. that hurt. i stood there for a second thinking to myself. i remembered telling her those things but i also dont. at the time, i was more focused on the fact that she told me to break up with her. my mind kind of blocked out what i said. it hurt even more when a week later she cheated on me. i hated that she was right. that she knew something i didn’t.

when i walked back inside, the guys were all huddled around the door acting like they weren’t listening.

i looked at them and they looked at me. “you heard her!”

“she didn’t mean it though, right?” stephen asked. i stood quiet with my eyes on my feet. “right?” he exclaimed.

“did you guys hear everything?” they all looked at each other and nodded. i sighed. “she meant every word she said.”

chi spoke up. “you should go home chino. we’ll all meet back up in two days and check in, alright?”

i was grateful towards chi. despite my actions, he was still my friend when i needed it.

i nodded and we all packed up at went home.

~

here i am watching star wars for like the millionth time. star wars always helped me feel better when i was in a funk. no matter how many times ive seen it, it will always be my favorite. i even still use a star wars lunch pail anytime we go to a venue in case i get hungry.

but this time, it wasn’t helping me the slightest bit. all i could think of were y/n’s harsh words.

“you’re the most selfish person i know and i want nothing to do with you.” i repeated her words back to myself. “i mean how could she say that? we used to have so much fun together. she aint’t no saint either. what about that one time we all went to the skate park and she didn’t even talk to me. not once. she was only talking to ethan smith. she knew how much i hated ethan too.”

who am i kidding? what i did to y/n was way worse. i just couldn’t stand the fact that she was right. that she basically predicted the future. when i discovered cassandra with another dude, it felt as if my world was crumbling apart. i had lost my girlfriend and my best friend.

i thought i loved cassandra. she was the first girl to ask me out. every guy has a phase where they’re obsessed with their first girlfriend, that’s just how it goes. but after i found her cheating, i slowly grew a resentment towards her. i didn’t understand why i was even with someone like her. but now, i’m neutral about her. that was just a dumb high school relationship. but with y/n it was different.

when i broke up with her, i found myself waiting for y/n’s call for hours hoping she would put everything aside and things would go back to normal. but it never came. i missed y/n more and more. but i couldn’t believe that she had just left so easily. like we didn’t a past together. i didn’t like her like that. i just needed a friend.

after graduation, i stopped seeing y/n less and less. eventually, i started moving on from her. then i got with the band and life has been great. that was until she came back in the picture to be our assistant. when i seen her name in that paper, i didn’t wanna believe it was her. but it was. now i feel like i’m going crazy over her.

i stood up to go smoke a cigarette since star wars wasn’t helping me. i stood on my balcony still trying to erase my thoughts about y/n. but i couldn’t help feeling like an asshole.

my mind kept going back to the memories we used to make. like when we shared a PE class sophomore year and we would always talk and joke and mess around.

or when i snuck into her art class to see her but got kicked out after we started laughing too hard.

or when i would go to the bathroom and would pass her class walking back to mine. i would wave to her through the window and somehow she noticed me each time.

she always had her hair down and it was long and thick but naturally flowy. she would always tuck her hair behind her right ear. i always liked it when she would do that. i don’t even know why i remember that.

i wanted to apologize. but the more i thought about it, the more i realized how much of a bad idea it might be. i missed y/n and i was stupid enough to lose her. what if she really did want nothing to do with me? what if i went to her house and it ends up backfiring on me? what if i apologize and she doesn’t accept it? what if i lose her for good? i needed to give her some space.

~

me and the band were practicing a new song that we had just came up with. but the whole time, i wasn’t feeling it and you could hear it in my voice too.

“okay stop stop stop.” chi shouted. “what is up with you today, man? your voice keeps cracking dude and i miss your little whiny voice.” he said sarcastically. i smiled but didn’t respond.

chi walked my way. “is it really that bad?” he said while holding my shoulders. i nodded.

chi sighed and told everyone, “let’s take 5.”

me and chi sat down on the couch and he asked “is this about y/n?”

“yes. i’ve just been thinking about what she told me and i never felt like this much of an ass before.”

“look man, you need to snap out of it. why don’t you just say sorry?”

“because i’m scared that if i say sorry, she’ll think im lying and never wanna talk to me again.”

chi bursted out laughing. “i love you chino but sometimes you’re such an idiot. if you and y/n have a past and you know that what you’re saying is genuine, then i doubt she’s never gonna wanna see you again. you need to man up and say sorry before it’s too late. plus we still need an assistant and the band has been lacking without her help so you need apologize either way. so go and talk to her right now because we need her.”

chi was right. i’m glad i had someone like chi to keep me in check.

~

after skating for 15 minutes, i had finally arrived at her house.

when i knocked on her front door, her mom had answered.

“is that camillo moreno?? i haven’t seen you in ages! how have you been?”

“hi mrs. l/n. i’ve been good, just got busy with my own life i guess.” i shrugged. “is y/n here?”

“yes but she hasn’t left her room in days so good luck with her.” she sighed.

i didn’t realize how badly i had hurt her. hearing her mom say that made me feel worse. but this wasn’t about me.

i knocked on her door. “leave me alone!” y/n shouted. i walked in anyway.

her room was a mess. there were clothes everywhere but luckily no old food plates.

“jeez this place is a mess.” i teased.

“go away, chino. didn’t i tell you i wanted nothing to do with you?” i knew i was right. this is going terrible already. i should just leave.

but i didn’t want to. i needed to fix this. “you did but since im so selfish, im gonna do what i wanna do.” i joked.

no response. i knew i shouldn’t have said that.

“oh come on, y/n. ive been thinking about what you told me and.. i’m sorry.”

no response. i needed to get her back into my life. i need to tell her how much she means to me.

i sat down at the foot of her bed. “you’re right. it was selfish of me to expect all those things from you. at the time, i thought cassandra was my everything. despite all the bad signs, i only payed attention to the good ones. i guess i was just so caught up with cassandra that i failed to realize i had lost the most important person in my life, you.”

she sat up. her hair was tangled and greasy. her eyes were glossy and red. her nose was stuffed and she had eye bags. but despite all that, she still looked beautiful.

“jesus you look like shit.”

“yeah i wonder why camillo!” she shouted at me.

it went silent. “you have every right to be mad at me. but there’s no reason to leave the band.” i looked into her eyes. “the band hasn’t been the same without you and the guys really miss you. they keep reminding me that i screwed up big time and that i needed to fix it.” she laughed. how much i had missed her laugh.

“y/n, i really am sorry about everything.” we stared at each other. “you know, i will admit that i did miss you a lot. like a lot a lot.”

she smiled. “me too camillo.”

i hugged her. not only because i thought she needed it but also because i needed it too.

“how did you even get in anyway?” she asked.

“i hopped through a window.” i smirked.

she punched my arm. “ow! your mom had let me in, you jerk.” we both fell into laughter.

i love being around her. she’s my best friend. i missed laughing with her like this and i will do everything to make this friendship last.

a/n: please leave a like and a repost if you enjoyed todays chapter !! chapter 5 will be out next week. lots of love <3

[megacarapa]

new needlepoint - i want to live here so fucking bad

this is wiehler needlepoint 2317 "es klappert die mühle am rauschenden bach" (the mill rattles by the rushing brook), which i actually just now learned is named after a german children's song - its pretty cute!

i was gonna put the process pics at the end of the rant but then the rant ended up too long so here they are at the beginning, i also added the dates each picture was taken =)

this is my first wiehler needlepoint out of 5 i got from the mentors at the embroidery workshop (originally 4 but i got another one just this week), FOR FREE, which is crazy to think about since the kits for these things arent that cheap to buy, but they gave them to me bc they were just sitting around with no one planning to actually make them

needlepoint used to be more popular over here back in ye olden days and it even used to be taught in home ec class, so both my grandmas, mom and even DAD used to make them in school, which i never knew about bc by the time i was going to school home ec classes were long gone from the curriculum, which sucks because it would have been awesome to learn stuff like this as a kid

out of the 5 kits i got, this was the smallest so i decided to do it first, the rest of them get progressively bigger and bigger until the last one which is kind of mind bogglingly huge, will i really be able to finish all of these? im honestly not sure, but i dont mind the idea of having something to work on that could take me my whole life (or like, 5 years)

these needlepoints are also different from the ones ive done up til now cause instead of the picture being printed onto the cloth, here you get an empty cloth with only counting squares printed on it and you need to follow the pattern from a paper, which i already got practice for by working on that llama cross stitch and got used to with no problem

there was one thing though, this is the only kit out of the 5 that didnt actually have the standard cloth with the squares on it (there was also some string missing, so i think the thing is that someone else had already made this kit before and what i got was the leftovers), bc of that i simply bought some new needlepoint cloth and drew the squares on myself, which led to....

honey i shrunk the needlepoint, SO YOU SEE THE THING IS, i didnt check what the squares on the cloth i did get for the other kits actually looked like, i simply assumed the squares would be normal 10x10 squares like in the picture, so thats what i drew by hand, but theyre actually supposed to be 20x20, and youre supposed to do a specific stitch called gobelin stitch where 2x2 of space is considered 1 stitch, idk if im explaining any of this well but basically if i had known this and done it correctly the finished work would have been pretty much the same size as the pattern on the picture

i know all of this now and the next needlepoint ive started since then will be the correct size, but either way i think the tiny one has its own charm and looks great anyway, its adorable!! im kind of obsessed with it, the green frame also looks great and ahh i just love it sm😭

heres the back

and size comparison with my previous ones

its a little bebe needlepoint🥺

it keeps happening that at the very end when these have finally been framed, i always notice one or two squares which i forgot to fill in, but i dont really mind it, and its fun asking people to try and find them🤣 (but dont bother trying to find them yourself bc they cant really be seen in these pictures)

i also accidentally swapped the two shades of green for the tree but the shades are so similar you literally cant see it, and i also ran out of the darkest blue shade and had to buy a new one, but couldnt find one that was similar enough, so you can actually see on most of the pics that the dark blue part to the left of the tree is a darker shade than on the right, but again, who cares, i just like jotting down as much of the process as i can remember in these posts🤣

thanks for reading!!

[phantalgia]

Another Day of Feeling Sick...

Perhaps I should just use dates as journal entries. I’m not sure. Every thing I post feels more like a journal entry than anything else.

Is this chronically ill or will this just pass? That's something that is taking up my mind right now. So I made the booboo of staying up late last night and part of that was working on that last post. I don’t know why I needed to. I could have canned it for later.

Good Afternoon

I woke up at around 1 pm or just before it. I went to bed late as hell and I have to be up tomorrow early for my ultrasound. I really don’t feel good this morning. Maybe not the worst. But I just don’t feel good. I’m nauseous, slightly feverish, my body feels very sensitive (I don’t know how to describe it), and a little shakey.

Again, Ive been stuck like this since surgery earlier in the year and I think it's an extention of the Long Covid and possible long term POTS Ive had before. I’m still reluctant to call it POTS, it's just I don’t have any other way of calling it. I don’t have an official diagnosis. Long Covid is a yes for sure.

And now with getting Covid again I don’t know what to think. My mind just keeps doubting how I feel. Some days are good, some days are bad. Some hours are good, some bad. It's driving me nuts.

I just keep wondering what if this just blows over? What would it all have been for?

I Can't Stand the Medical Industry

I really cant. I mean when I feel sick it's just kind of like Ive been through this song and dance for two years with no end or answers in sight. I have a basic understanding of how the medical industry has been shaped by capitalism. Essentially reducing humans to how effeciently can we get people back to work. Frankly, this entire system has not even been able to do that for me, ever.

I Never Worked

I never worked and never managed to get my diploma. It's a long story, but I couldn't do it. Being institutionalized for mental health issues hasn't produced any results for me. In fact, insurance didn't want to pay anymore so I had to leave in the middle of being in out-patient programs. At that point I was left to my own devices. Pretty much stewing in my own frustrations and angst.

I think now that these health things that have happened it became clear that whatever they diagnosed me with is not a complete picture. It feels that way for me.

Getting Tested

I was given a full psychological evaluation by probably the worst person you can think of. Essentially I was tested for ASD, Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety. It wasnt anything new. I was depressed and anxious. There was apparently a blip I guess you could say of ASD, but it wasn't enough to call it ASD, whatever that means.

And then finally I got lectured by this guy about how I probably need to be put in a "home" somewhere against my will. A place where I can finally reintegrate with society. I got asked what I was going to do if my Dad was gone. Essentially making me more nervous and scared. So, learned nothing new, a little blip of ASD, but it's not ASD, and get lectured and scared shitless for a few thousand dollars. Amazing...

Maybe Not ASD but ADHD and or OCD?

But what they didn't test me for was ADHD and OCD. A waste of like thousands of dollars. Because as soon as me and my psychatrist looked into ADHD and OCD, something started to become much more clearer. In fact, I kind of tested highly for ADHD and some OCD when I did a self assesment with him. I took that paper home and even did it twice to make sure I still felt the same way about my answers weeks just before my next visit.

But a lot of that was lining up with what was happening to me in school. Anxiety, trouble concentrating, obsession with perfection and proper study habits, a very fixed mindset, my mind would wonder, I couldn't focus by the time noon hit especially during math, I would pace around the house at home, my mind would just keep moving and moving non-stop.

Where I Stand Today

I pretty much self diagnosed myself as ADHD/OCD. Unfortunately I cant be medicated yet for reasons I have explained in prior posts. I think it's quite possible I may be on the Autism Spectrum as it's very hard to diagnose in adults from my own research and you need actual expertise and they can cost you a lot of money. I mean if I've been masking this entire time, of course I’m not going to "look" Autistic.

Obviously, that's an ableist way to put it. But the reality is we live in a very ableist society, there's no getting around that. If you don’t fit the "norm" you're left out of economic system and society at large. In a lot of ways to me, Good! I don’t want to be around you people and this economic system. You fuckers decide who gets to be called abled or disabled and even then it's still tearing us apart regardless!

We're going to have many more disabled people coming as Covid continues to cause mayhem and destruction. On team Red with Trump, they call it a hoax, just a flu, or tell you to drink bleach. On team Blue, they gaslight you by saying the pandemic is over. Which is sort of true, just that it's fucking endemic now. So it's two sides of the same coin of Covid denialism just to keep business as usual. And let me tell you:

COVID SHOULD HAVE BEEN EVIDENCE THAT CAPITALISM IS INCAPABLE OF RESPONDING TO CRISISES LIKE COVID. IT WILL CONTINUE TO DISABLE MORE WORKING PEOPLE. WE NEED AN ALTERNATIVE NOW!

That won’t happen, instead Covid became a culture war issue of course.

Anyway, that was a side rant. I'd love to talk about how Covid didnt become a tool to create class conciousness and instead became a culture war issue some other time.

ASD Makes Sense to Me But Also Doesn't

I don’t know, when I look at what accounts for ASD. I see a pattern. Some sentitivity to certain stimuli (especially water and groups of people and hugging), obsessions over interests, trouble with social cues, stimming, trouble responding to people's emotions. I don’t know, it just also doesn't make sense to me because I don’t have an issue with eye contact and I'm more able to respond to other's emotions. Maybe not too well and it gets overwhelming for me at times. But I do like to be around people that like to show some vulnerability. I think the opposite is just...oh don’t get me started XD.

Perhaps I’m not understanding the Autism Spectrum as concise as I can. I probably just butchered the entirety of what it is in the last paragraph but I don't know. I hate this desperation for answers to your woes. It's nuts. And I got other things to worry about that complicate it like...

My Physical Health Makes It Harder to Tell If I Have ADHD/OCD and or ASD

I mean I can't sit upright or concentrate generally, I’m fatigued by the end of a school day, get a throbbing headache. I mean it's nuts. So there was that in the mix of all of this. And if I do have dysautonomia or POTS then it would make sense why it feels like I have ADHD. You get adrenaline surges. But I also start stimming? I mean I stim a lot and pace and ruminate all the time non-stop.

The only way to really know is to have this holistic understanding of myself, look at each thing and see where they fit in the bigger picture that makes up me. I just want the peace of mind, the relief to know anything at all. Just nothing feels right. Mentally and physically. And it's making me lose my mind.

I Don’t Like Labels...*

There's a little weird paradox amidst all of this. I’m not too crazy about labels*. I'll let Alexander Avila take this away. It's a long video so maybe watch it when you can:

Really, the video just kind of says that labels, mental health, and maybe even disability in general is just a thing we call amidst a capitalist society. As with any society, there's new ways of reframing human phenomenon. Whether it be you were possesed by the holy spirit or affected by a chemical imbalance or told you may not work again because of a physical disability.

But there's a good point at the end...the labels are useful in modern context and are needed to get the care, what little there is, people need. So they're inescapable much like how capitalism feels inescapable.

I’m More Than Just a Label and Don’t Want to Be Reduced to It

So theyre useful, necessary even. And I may even crave them, especially in this moment. I can't really live without the labels because that's just how the system is designed right now. But I can at least acknowledge that I’m more than just my labels. I don’t want my labels to create a black and white world. I want the labels to make me feel empowered and get the agency I need.

Perhaps in another world...

Perhaps in another world we would acknowledge that everyone is different and may require different needs than others and we can get rid of this black and white thinking that comes with the moniker "disability". Where the disabled may be able to find where they can fit amongst the world and not be babied or treated as some pathetic class of people. This, in my mind can only be done under some form of libertarian socialist model. It just can't be done in any other way.

Libertarian socialism would free each individual and each will be able to realize their fullest potential and get the assistance they need to fully understand themselves and their needs. They will mingle amongst their minds, connect with their bodies, and connect with others and communicate in ways never before imagined.

Healthcare wouldn't be reduced to black and white thinking, and production and turned into a real system of care and humanity and a sense of belonging. It would go along with the individual in their journey of self discovery as the healthcare system learns itself at the same time.

The disabled individual would be free to decide how they can and can't work or participate in how they see fit. They would get the assistance they need from the community, the creative ideas from them, and feel like they're a proper member of the community.

The disabled individual would neither be seen as pathetic or as some "poster boy" of inspiration when they "go against all odds". They would just be like everyone else, a human being with unique needs. They will retain the autonomy they need as much as anyone else.

Final Thoughts

I don’t know what's going on with me yet or if there will be an end in sight for me. I don’t know what's going on with me mentally and probably won’t because of how expensive it is to know. But I can say is I just don’t want to live in this type of world anymore. I want a better one that sees me as human.

I think I'll meet people eventually where we can get together and help each other out and find out how we can live amongst the chaos. I have faith. I have faith in anyone reading this that you too may find that place and the right people who have the same mindset.

We're in this together, we'll find our way, we'll do our best...

[pure-a-tea]

thank you for all the questions!!! where do you get your inspiration from for your mobile themes, what’s your current favorite song and what would you say your aesthetic is?! 💕💕💕

omg- happily, sweetie!! and thank you for asking me back, i genuinely appreciate that <3 anyways, here are my long, boring-ass answers, lol. you don't have to read this, but i enjoyed writing this for you xx

re: "where do you get your inspiration for your mobile themes?"

i assume you're asking about my tumblr theme on mobile? 'cause if you do, i don't really get a specific inspiration. it's basically my preference for aesthetics. i will, however, explain more about it if you're interested, lol.

. colour theme: i went with a light blue colour (#7b8590) because i personally prefer desaturated colours; pastel-like. not really sure how to describe them, but basically faded colours that aren't too saturated or bright. i just feel like lighter colours are easier on the eyes.

. header: i found the stars and moon gif when i was scrolling through tumblr and i liked it so i thought i'd be nice to use a header with some dynamics to it. when i found that it fit the header size, i thought it looked better when it didn't stretch to fill it, and i actually thought it looked better when it gets a nice border with that setting.

. profile picture: i thought my profile picture was distracting and it was bothering me, so i disabled it. however, i was still looking for something because i noticed that my profile pic constantly shows up on different occasions. so, i chose that picture specifically because it wasn't too strong or distracting -- it gives my profile a nice, softer look. i also chose one with a subject that is close to my heart so it'd be more personal. like a personal blog, yk? and i really love cats, haha.

. bio: i just wrote some general info about myself, not wanting to overshare but still add something about myself. so i wrote my name with pronouns, age, sexuality, and my two fav people out of all of my fandoms. i thought it looked more spacious when i add space between each word and character (for ex. "( she / her )"). there isn't an option on tumblr to add a new line so i divided each subject with a "|".

re: "what's your current favourite song?"

i always find that question hard to answer because i have so many songs that i love, and i can never choose just one, lmao. if you don't mind, though, i will write my current top 5 favourite songs:

i. phantogram - black out days it's been in my top 5 songs on spotify for three years in a row, apparently!!

ii. billie eilish - happier than ever honestly i have so many favourite songs by her, but this one is probably the one i listen to the most. also, she was my top artist on spotify for 2 or 3 years in a row. unintentionally.

iii. the front bottoms - twin size mattress this song can just randomly pop into my head for no reason. and i love it!

iv. mitski - nobody lowkey can listen to this song on repeat and never get tired of hearing it!! and i love mitski!!

v. steve lacy - dark red i relate to the words a bit too much and i've been listening to this over and over ever since my recent breakup.

bonus: billie eilish - nda // arctic monkeys - 505 because they're both one of my fav artists and i've been obsessed with the parts that editors use on tiktok/insta edits.

re: "what would you say your favourite aesthetic is?"

that's such a tough one! because i don't have just one aesthetic, and it usually changed with my moods. for example, many people would probably say that my aesthetic is somewhere in the softcore or naturecore or even fairycore, and that is accurate on some days, but sometimes my aesthetics could be like grunge or vintage or darkcore... sometimes, i even have a dark academia or royaltycore.

funnily enough, my aesthetics could also come in colours! for example, i could suddenly have an aesthetic for everything blue (dark and light separately), yellow (because i have a hufflepuff heart), green (sometimes the nature green, but sometimes the evil/slytherin green). i also always have a place in my heart for purple, and in autumn i have a very strong red/orange aesthetic. one time i got a short pink aesthetic, lol.

ANYWAYS- this is it!! sorry that it's so long and i'm even more sorry that it might be boring, hehe... i really appreciate that you asked, it really warmed my heart <3

hope you have/you've had an amazing day xx

[the-stray-liger]

when your current art looks shitty compared to what you used to do that's when you know your getting better at it

ive got an old sketch on my wall from middle school of Typical Not Self-Insert Character In Cool Armor With Giant Sword. It's incredible. How did I do that. I can't draw like that now.

but I can SEE this old picture, despite the embarrassment around it's actual subject, is actually good. When I first hung it up way back when it was just because I wished I had a sword. Now I look at the confident lines, the shading, the grasp of depth perception on so many angular objects, the way the cloth of the cape falls in folds that have weight to them. I can recognize what makes it a nice drawing. I couldn't do that before.

there's this thing i read about once where people who are getting better at a skill go through this cycle of This Is Impossible to WOW I'M SO GREAT AT THIS to I Have Lost The Ability To Preform Even The Most Basic Part Of This And Should Fire Myself Forever

and then slowly they realize they can kinda do it again. Hey, they can even do that one thing they've never been able to do before!

rinse, recycle, repeat. Every year I go through it. Depression doesn't help. For a few years I didn't draw anything at all and almost burned all my old sketches. Now I'm doodling ducktale characters and making fat circular birds with twig legs.

I aged out of school and have never had a job (thank you family for not letting me starve) and my whole damn life people have been asking me why I don't sell my drawings.

because I can't draw, I tell them, staring at the things I made two years ago and couldn't replicate now if someone put gun to my head.

but sometimes, for a few months, I can. I can sit down and have an idea and make it happen. Sometimes the idea is a favorite character. Sometimes its just a random pattern of flowers. Every time it happens I'm scared it'll be the last time.

Then I remind myself of all the other people who go though some version of this stupid cycle. If you like drawing, you'll probably draw again someday- maybe not in the same style as you used to- but if it makes you happy you'll do it for the happy feelings, and if you draw you'll get better at it, and as you get better you'll learn to see all the flaws, and you'll get discouraged, and that's normal.

I also remind myself of how other people always seem to like the drawings I'm least happy with, and pass over the ones I'm actually proud of. People have different taste. Everyone else's sucks compared to mine, for example, which a completely true and unbiased fact (lol).

Right now I can draw because I never show any of my drawings to anyone. They're for me. Mine. And the voice in the back of my head chattering about wasting time and being a useless burden can go stuff itself.

Yesterday I drew a cartoon duck. It sucks. I had a lot of fun WHILE making it though. And the duck looks a lot better than it did when I first drew one a week ago. Practice makes progress. Talent is bullshit. Skills are learned and maintained.

so my advice is draw something badly and giggle while you do.

Hey anon! You're absolutely right. I remember back when I was drawing fulll time going thru a couple art blocks where everything I made looked awful bc I was learning to look at it with more critical eyes and my hands hadn't caught up yet. I feel like that's a big part of my burnout too-I suddenly learned a lot of theory and I had come to a point where I hadn't developped the skills to match and it destroyed a lot of my confidence and self esteem

It's also that at the end of the day I forgot who I was drawing for bc I was so obsessed with social media recognition and with algorithms and stuff the harder I worked the less notifications I got

And I generally have a HUGE problem with guilt and feeling like a burden too like I feel you 600% on that lol I always felt terrible bc I couldn't make a living out of my art

I think Im gonna work again on making art that's only for me and drawing things I enjoy even if it's not like the best quality or quantity. I'm gonna take it slow (even if it drives me up the wall) and have fun again!

Thank you so much for the kind word and advice!!

[writingsfromhome]

Nuclear Family V

Part Five: Some Things Never Change

A/N: I’ve reread and rewrote and finally wrapped this up! It got really long because I didn’t want to drag it into another part, but I did include an epilogue--I couldn’t help myself. Hope it lives up to the expectations! And thank you x100000 again for reading along <3

Part I / Part II / Part III / Part IV / Part V

---------------

The next morning, we sit down together and soothe Charlie's worries. Harry holds my hand at one point and we play the best acting gig either of us have ever played as we pretend there's not a ginormous unspoken trilogy between us. Charlie's tentative at first, but when Harry pulls her onto his knee and whispers something to her. She breaks into a giggle and hugs him. At least that was patched over, I think. But when Harry meets my eyes over her head, I look away. Some things might never be patched over.

I’d set up a play date this morning, thinking Charlie might have needed a distraction. It also gave me time to pack our things without her to distract me or feel the emotional baggage I was packing up too.

I had planned to find an air bnb, waking up at 7am to start searching. But when I updated Marc after he asked what I was doing that evening, he insisted we stayed with him. We’d lived together before, and he was almost always at work, so it gave us enough space.The best part was he lived in the same building as Harry; it was almost too perfect, and when I’d asked Charlie she was totally on board. Spending time with Marc while being able to take the elevator to see her dad sounded just sounded like her play place had expanded.

After Charlie leaves, and I’m almost done packing, I look for Harry to talk. I find him toweling his hair after his shower. He had to head out for shooting today so I needed to speak to him before he left or else he would think I slighted him. He notices me in the foggy mirror and turns, and I try not to find the towel tied around his waist distracting.

“Hey, so...I’ll be out of your hair today...no pun intended.” I laugh lamely after he continues to stare at me blankly. Okay, maybe his towel was more distracting than I’d like to admit. And this was an awkward conversation when we had so many unspoken things between us. “Um, so I found other accommodations finally. So we’ll move out and it’ll be like we planned initially?”

“Huh?” Harry freezes, arms in midair.

“I don’t know why it took me this long to find another place,” I blabber on. “But I think yesterday was kind of a wake up call? I shouldn’t have stayed this long anyway and-”

“Wait, Y/N, stop. You’re leaving?”

“Just the flat,” I finally look at him, he looks stony. “We’ll actually just be a few floors down staying with Marc, so it’s kind of perfect.”

“Marc?” A flame lights itself in his eyes, usually the colour of a spring field, they’ve now turned into a field of ashes as he realises what I’m saying. “You’re moving out? To Marc’s? Because of yesterday?”

“Yes, that’s what I just said.” I try to remain calm, but it’s hard when he’s acting like this. “Harry, yesterday just made me realise I’d lost sight of the horizon or whatever. We were never supposed to live with you for this reason! We knew when we planned this that it would complicate things. I was just so obsessed with making Charlie’s birthday perfect I didn’t look for anywhere else, and her birthday was basically disastrous so that was useless. Now you can live freely, Miranda can come and go-”

“Oh and living with Marc won’t confuse Charlie?” Harry demands.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I think you know exactly what that mean Y/N. You’re being a bloody hypocrite-”

“What?!” I can’t keep the calm anymore. “I’m a hypocrite?”

“Yes! You! You think Charlie seeing Miranda and me together would confuse her yet you’re taking her to your boyfriend’s house-”

“Who said anything about my boyfriend--and how dare you sound so judgemental about that! Sorry I didn’t get the memo; Harry can have a girlfriend but Y/N can’t! She’s got to be the single virgin mother all by herself!”

“That’s not what I said!”

“No, I think it’s what you were trying to say! Being so fucking judgemental about my love life. This isn’t my fault! I’m not asking you shit, Harry!”

“What the fuck Y/N!” Harry whips the towel he was using for his hair onto the ground. My heart beats erratically in my chest; the last time we fought like this it was because I’d told him I was pregnant and it had ended really ugly. But the way he got under my skin, as hard as I wanted to be the mature one, I couldn’t. “You don’t have to be so bloody sarcastic all the time! I just don’t understand how living with Marc will be any better!”

“Marc’s barely every home, and he’s lived with us before, it’s worked out fine. Charlie adores him-”

“Oh yeah I bet she does! You would’ve loved it if Marc was her father yeah? He’s always had a thing for you, even when we were together. Now’s your chance to be a perfect little family with Marc!”

“I did not say that, don’t put words in my mouth-”

“Oh, but I think that’s what you were trying to say,” Harry mocks me. He’s a ball of rage as he stalks towards me. “I don’t understand your obsession with this guy and why he’s so close to Charlie!”

“You know Marc! We’ve been friends with him for-wait why am I defending myself? This isn’t about that!”

“Well I think it should be!”

“Where are you going with this Harry?!” I shout, putting my hands out to his chest as he continues walking towards me, as if maybe I could shield myself from his growing fury. “I don’t want to fight! I’m just trying to do what’s best for Charlie. And for us.” 

We stare at each other, uncomfortably close, chests heaving as the fire crackles low.

“Well, too late for that.” He says, but the snark is gone. “I’ve finally got Charlie living with me and you’re taking her away.”

“I-I’m not taking her away.” My voice rises immediately. “Don’t you dare say I’m taking her away!”

“You are!” He says stubbornly.

“What the fuck do you expect? You want me to stick around so it’s you, me, and Charlie? You want me to stay here and be miserable, have our kid be confused about what’s going on with who?”

“I don’t want you to be miserable, I just want us in one place!”

“We’re not this perfect little nuclear family you have in your head! We can’t be!”

“Not when you’re bringing the nuclear into the family,” Harry mutters immaturely.

“Oh my god, what’s wrong with you?!” I want to pull my hair out.

“What’s wrong with me is you’re taking away my daughter from me!”

My blood was just boiling now. I get in his face, “Harry, do you not remember that you never wanted us? You had the option to stay with me, while I was pregnant with Charlie. You had the option to hold your daughter the day she was born. You could’ve had all of it. Every step of the way! You chose not to, you let me go, you-you told me I could go...” I break off suddenly, so I didn’t sob as the memories rush back. I told everyone I was over it, I had processed it. But when Harry rejected me, he also rejected Charlie and I never got over that.

Harry hears my breath hitch, he backs away from my outstretched hands and I let them drop.

After a heavy silence, Harry speaks up: “Y/N I’m sorry. I heard what you said yesterday. I was up all night just thinking about it...”

“Well that’s wonderful for me,” I retreat into the comfort of sarcasm.

“No--you were right, I didn’t want commitment. I was bloody afraid of it. I was listening to everyone who said if I had a kid, my career would be over. I wanted to stay young, and I just let you deal with it by yourself. I was selfish and I wish I could go back and change everything.”

“Well that’s not much help now; you never once said any of this to me! You moved on--don’t deny it. I saw you in the tabloids, the media. You don’t think I kept track of you? I loved you! You’re the father of my kid, and while I was up on less than an hour of sleep trying to get your 2 month old to stop crying at 3am, you were out partying with models and getting smashed.”

“I couldn’t-I just spiraled-”

“Well it’s nice that your spiraling looks so much like partyingl” I roll my eyes. “Mine looked like crying in the bathtub with my ears ringing, and covered in baby vomit.” I cross my arms. I had held it in for four long years, it was about time I snapped, and I guess this was it.

“Y/N.” he turns away from me, rubbing his face. When he turns around, his heart is on his sleeve. “There were so many times I would pick up my phone and type in your number, just to hear your voice. Just to ask you about Charlie--it ripped me apart that I wasn’t there. That you weren’t here, with Charlie. You’d send me pictures of her and I would get so excited to see what she was up to, what new thing she learned...”

He breaks off, his face now shining with tears. He walks up to me and holds my hands, my heart tugs and I know I’m crying too. “Y/N when I held her for the first time when she was a few months old, and she looked up at me and smiled. I didn’t even know I could love like that. So I changed Y/N--tell me you saw me doing anything reckless after that first visit. I made sure I grew up so I could always be there for her. And you. But you never talked to me. You were always so cold to me and I was scared to break the ice. So I just let you raise her without me, not realising what I was missing out on. I fucking missed all of it because I was just trying find the perfect words to get this off my chest and I never found them.”

“Harry-” I sigh. “You could’ve tried. But...you moved on though. You have a girlfriend-”

“I had to try to move on,” he explains urgently. “You barely spoke to me. I’d ask how you are and you wouldn’t always reply, our texts were only about Charlie. You never invited me over when I was in LA. I thought you didn’t care about me so I had to move on, and the way we ended things I didn’t blame you! I let you know I would be there for Charlie--but I had to move on because I didn’t think we would ever have another shot.”

“I didn’t know what to say to you when you came over Harry. The way we left things before I moved back home, It was awful.” I whisper. The words he’d said, the things I said, the broken glass and just hours of fighting. Then the panic attacks and crippling fear of not knowing what I was doing with my life. It was easy to let it harden you, rather than invite it back in.

“The way I let you leave...was awful.” He agrees. “So I’m asking you now to stay Y/N.”

“And do what?” I ask, didn’t he get it? “Sit around while your girlfriend is over all the time, have her pop in with her own key while I’m only just woken up looking like a troll? Let you kiss me in the dark when she’s not around? Have her ignore me like I’m not even there?”

Harry has the decency to look embarrassed, dropping my arms. He sighs, and looks at me with regret. “This is balls up.”

“Yeah, I know Harry. That’s why I’m finding other accommodations.”

“I don’t like it’s with Marc.”

“I don’t care Harry, you don’t have any say over who I stay with.”

“But Charlie-”

“She can stay with you when she wants,” I agree. “I know you’ve got a shoot all week so it’s a good week to be out.”

“I like coming home to you two.”

“Harry,” I warn him. He couldn’t afford to speak like this when he had a girlfriend. I didn’t want to fall for him again. He made it hard not to.

“I don’t like it but I can’t stop you.” He concedes, arms crossed over his chest. I skim over the bare flesh, taking in the ink that Charlie loved to ask a million questions about. He notices me looking and I catch the cocky grin on his face.

“I’m looking at the ink,” I say, even though I didn’t have to defend myself.

“I know,” he shrugs but the grin stays on his face. I roll my eyes and head back to finish packing but he pulls me back to him and suffocates me against his bare chest. “I’m sorry, for then. For now. Forever.”

He lets me go but he keeps his arms around my waist. I look up at him and for the first time in a long time, I see my old Styles. Confident, determined, and a little cocky. The one I fell hard for.

“Noted,” I say, not giving in this easily, I still had to process this whole conversation and figure out what this thing between Harry and I meant.

A low chuckle bursts out from him as he stares down at me. “I miss you,” he says.

“I’m right here,” I say, stepping back so he lets me go. I leave him with a smile on his face, not ignoring the way he said he misses me. Without even realising it, my feelings of resentment had begun to slip away. But I still knew space would be best for both of us.

***

It’s Thursday evening, Charlie was with Harry having dinner at his mum’s place. Marc’s edition is officially in printing and he’s home at a decent enough hour that I put aside my work and share a glass of wine with him.

“Sounds intense,” Marc says to me after I give him the details of mine and Harry’s fight. Since then, we’d have breakfast as a family once but I did text him beyond just talking about Charlie. Pictures, memes, old memories, the occasional pointless text. It was sort of nice having him in my life again.

Charlie was going to work with him tomorrow, and she was so excited about that. It gave me time for alone time, and to catch up with Marc.

“It was intense, it felt like the old Y/N and Harry.”

“Uh oh. I don’t miss them,” Marc huffs. “You’re a lot nicer now, and he’s not as much of a cocky bastard anymore.”

“Wow, tell me how you really feel.” I tease. But he was right, back then I was young and sassy and I wasn’t afraid to let the world know. Marc and I had met when he reached out to me to write an article for his magazine and it was a coincidence that Marc and Harry knew each other from cover shoots. Marc used to be a photographer.

“I like this Y/N better,” Marc leans into me, his voice deepening. “She’s kind and strong and gorgeous, and the best part is she lets me kiss her.”

He pauses in front of my face and I lean the rest of the way in to let him know he could. That’s all the signal he needs. Our drinks abandoned, we quickly move into the bedroom and I can’t believe I forgot how good it felt to be wanted like this.

***

The next time I’m in Harry’s flat, I’m picking Charlie up. She stayed with him, but Miranda had surprised him by showing up early right after her flight landed. His short text made me get up there right away, after what happened the last time Charlie saw Harry and Miranda together, I wasn’t sure if she would misbehave.

But oddly, she’s mostly quiet.

“Did you have fun?” I ask Charlie, as she eats her cereal slowly. Her back is to the hall Harry stands in and it was a good thing as Miranda drapes herself across him. Unfortunately, I had to see it; I guess she got the memo that Charlie knew what was going on, and she was okay with it--or as okay as a four year old could be.

“It was so cool mom,” Charlie says. “There was so many rooms and one was space! It had the moon and there was a castle and they made the explosion sound and...” Charlie explains in no sensible order everything she saw at the studio, and I listen to her spill out her excitement but every so often my eyes drift to where Miranda shamelessly reunites with Harry. It makes my stomach turn. Especially after the conversation we had. I wasn’t an idiot, I knew Harry wasn’t going to rearrange his whole life because we’d finally had the Talk about what happened between us all those years ago. It was just watching them, and knowing that that was Harry moving on. From me...when I never fully moved on from him. It was pathetic, I know.

“Have you had coffee yet?” Harry asks a little while later after he’s unhooked Miranda’s claws from him and made his way to the kitchen. Charlie is slowing down her speech but when Harry appears she launches into more questions about set and when his “movie” would come out (it was a music video).

“No, I saw your text as soon as I woke up.” I say, between Charlie’s breaths. IT seemed she was going to be a while. “I could use a cup.”

“I heard you’re staying with Marc,” Miranda suddenly comes up and sits at the table, addressing me. “He’s a nice guy, I’ve worked with him in the past. Easy on the eyes too.”

“I’m right here,” Harry holds up my empty cup and looks pointedly at her. She winks and I nearly vomit.

I smile instead, “Yeah. He’s a really good friend, and Charlie loves him. And he lives downstairs so it worked out really well.”

“Yeah,” she smiles. This was the most she’s said to me since she got here. I watch as she glances at Harry who’s making my coffee the way I like it. “I heard you two are really good friends.”

Yeah...” I didn’t like what she was insinuating. I look up at Harry but he’s suddenly very interested in the sugar. “I can do that.” I grab it from him and make sure to glare at him as he passes it to me.

“We should do like, a double date.” She suggests. “Harry, don’t you think that would be fun? You and me, Y/N and Marc?”

“What about me?” Charlie pouts.

“You and Gemma!” Harry looks at me. “I forgot to mention, Gemma wanted to take Charlie out, spend some time with her while she was in London.”

“Perfect!” Miranda sounds almost too excited. It makes me suspicious.

***

When I tell Marc about the double date, he’s more than eager to attend. I know he just wanted to annoy Harry. I was nervous what this all meant.

But somehow I find myself standing with Marc in front of the restaurant while I try to prepare myself for whatever the evening held for us. Marc eventually just grabs my hand, winks, and pulls me in even though I wanted to just stay outside for a bit longer. Maybe a lot longer. Maybe just never go in.

As dinner goes on, things grow more and more awkward. Miranda is chatting up Marc about their old shoots, Harry grows more irritated as Marc receives all the attention, and his eyes track Marc’s hand any time it’s near me. I knock back my wine, as does Harry. Miranda continues to chat up Marc, and I inhale the food when it finally comes simply because the whole situation was stressful.

“The food’s good here,” I comment but only Harry hears me over the other conversation at the table.

“I always wanted to take you here,” Harry comments. “It has the best victoria sponge I’ve ever had.”

“You know I hate victoria sponge,” I scrunch my nose.

“I know!” Harry laughs which seems to get the table’s attention. His laugh usually did, as I’ve said. “That’s why you have to try it, you’ll finally like it.”

“Like what?” Marc asks.

“Victoria sponge,” I cringe visibly which makes him laugh.

“I think she loves cheesecake too much, right?” I know Marc is remembering the night I came to his house after a big fight with Harry, he’d bought a cheesecake for his then-girlfriend but I’d cried into it and finished the whole thing in one sitting. He’d had to improvise with cupcakes the next day. I still feel bad about that.

“Y/N is a cheesecake fanatic,” Harry says a little aggressively.

“Cheesecake’s way too fattening,” Miranda says absentmindedly, not realising what she was implying.

When the table grows awkwardly silent, Harry tries to come to her rescue. “That’s when you know it’s good food.”

“Touche,” I tip my glass just to have an excuse to have something to do and...well, drink.

At the end of the night, Harry asks if we want to go back to his place. I say no as Marc says yes and because he had the louder voice that’s what we do. I shoot him a dirty look but he only winks at me. He was having way too much fun.

Harry excuses himself and joins us in the Uber late. In his hands is a box with victoria sponge.

***

“Do you think he knows I’m not your boyfriend?” Marc asks later that night. We’d drank another bottle of wine and everyone was a bit more...vocal than before. What started out as fun stories from our younger days, quickly turns into passive aggressive comments as Harry stared a hole at Marc’s hand on my thigh, and Miranda stared at Harry staring at Marc’s hand on my thigh. She’d asked to speak to him midway through and now they were arguing in another room where every so often we caught some of their argument.

“You can’t even take your eyes off..............a bloody cake? You didn’t even think to.........I don’t get it!” That was Miranda.

“Thinking too much..........stop........of course I love you.......Charlie’s mom!” and that was Harry.

“I just knew this dinner would go like this,” Miranda says loudly.

“So you’re testing me now?” 

“Yes Harry, that’s obvious isn’t it Y/N?” Marc comments beside me.

“You’re having too much fun,” I lean my head back and sigh against the headrest.

“I have a stressful job, I don’t go out often. Can you blame me for being mildly entertained here?”

“Ugh...yeah okay me too.” I look over at him and he laughs. I hated the tension it was causing between Harry and I but I couldn’t help the small petty satisfaction of showing Miranda up after she tried to steal the show at dinner tonight. “What happened to the flight attendant you were seeing?”

“She took a flight out of London and never called me back?”

“Poor you,” I pat his shoulder. “We’re just not cut out for relationships are we?”

Marc shakes his head solemnly. I sigh, the alcohol making me more melodramatic than I was. “We’re finding my ex and his girlfriend arguing, entertaining. Who am I?”

“This is why we get along,” Marc leans into me, he smelled good. “Two boring people, getting our petty kicks with other people’s drama.”

“I think this is kind of my drama too,” I groan.

"Then I guess it’s kind of my drama too,” Marc says happily.

“You’re serious,” I say, leaning my head back against the sofa again, too tired to say anything else.

“I always have your back,” Marc says and I open my eyes just as he nuzzles a kiss against my exposed neck, and Harry walks into view.

“Harry,” I sit up and Marc jolts up as I nearly knock my head into his. Harry looks roughened up, his hair lays every which way as if he ran a rake through it. His face is flushed yet he stares at Marc like he wants to pop his head off.

“I’m really sorry, I’m going to have to call it a night. Miranda is...we have to talk and-”

“Yep, yep, we’re out.” I don’t need to be asked twice. Neither does Marc. Marc heads immediately to the door but I pause by Harry.

“Sorry...” he apologizes again. He looks like a lost puppy which is what makes me press a quick kiss to his cheek.

“We’ll talk in the morning. Gemma is dropping Charlie off around noon.”

“Okay,” Harry looks over my head to Marc, who is opening the door to give us some privacy. He looks back at me, searching my face for something. “I didn’t want the evening to end like this, it’s just...complicated.”

“I get it,” I cut him off, and more gently say again, “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

“Yes please,” he mumbles. Even though Harrys’ done this to himself, I can’t help but feel a little bad. I pat his arm and turn to head out with Marc. Harry could get himself out of the mess if he wanted.

***

I don’t hear from Harry the next morning, before I pick up Charlie, he leaves me a cryptic text that we should probably not go over today. Charlie and I spend the day exploring London some more instead, although she’s tired in a few hours so we end up picking up Marc after work and enjoying dessert by the river.

I still hear nothing on Saturday morning, Charlie asks about Harry and I lie saying he way busy. It’s only around noon that a haggard Harry shows up at Marc’s door. I was helping load the dishwasher so Marc answers the door. It’s the loud shout from Charlie that alerts me to the guest.

I pass Marc on my way to the door, he just raises his eyebrows to say yikes and it’s an understatement when I see him. Messy hair, a five ‘o clock shadow, and he looks like he hadn’t slept.

“You look...rough.” I say while Charlie sits on his back. I almost want to tell her to be fragile with him with the way he looked.

“It’s been a rough couple days.” He comments, his voice scratchy. “I need to talk to you.”

“Charlie, love, go inside for a bit? I’ve got to speak with your dad.”

“Aww,” she moans as Harry helps her dismount.

“I’ll play with you later little monkey,” Harry tickles her and she squeals as she runs away. His eyes follow her with a smile.

“So...” I step into the hall, tilting the door behind me.

“I think Miranda and I broke up.”

“Ah,” that made sense. “What happened?”

“She...it’s so complicated. Why are women so complicated?”

“Woman here,” I point to myself and raise an eyebrow. He shakes his head and sighs.

“Apparently she...set up that double date so I could see you’d moved on. Except, according to her, the way I was acting made her realise she was never going to measure up to you. She...she wanted me to choose between you and her, I told her...” he gulps, leaning against the opposite wall for some support. “It wasn’t the same. You were Charlie’s mum, we would always be in each other’s lives. She made her peace with it but this morning when I woke up I don’t know...I don’t know what I said. She was just gone. She isn’t answering her phone. I thought we were okay, we made up yesterday but today...I don’t know.”

“Wow,” I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t think she would actually ask him to choose. And now she went AWOL. “Do you know where she might be?”

“I went to her place, her roommate said she thought she was with me. I just don’t want her to do anything rash.”

“Sorry, Harry.” I look him over, I couldn’t help but feel bad for him. Before I could say anything more, Charlie zips outside with the drawings she had done at the museum. She just wanted his attention, and as he takes them from her he smooths his face over and gives her all the excited feedback she wanted. I slip inside and tell Marc we might head up for a bit.

Harry hesitates before letting us in. The place was a mess. Things are strewn about everywhere. A broken lamp sits near the entrance.

“Woah,” I say.

“Woah” Charlie echoes me with more emphasis.

“Ehm,” Harry scratches his head. “I...was trying to find something.”

“You shouldn’t be so messy dad,” Charlie immediately begins walking to her room, like she always belonged here. A small part of me is already sad for when we had to leave.

“Sorry love,” Harry cracks a grin and we exchange a glance.

“D’you need help...?”

“No, come sit. I’ll pour us a drink.”

We sit in the kitchen, sipping our wine in silence. Charlie plays with her toys in the back, a comforting background noise.

I reach my hand out eventually and brush Harry’s hand on the countertop. He looks over at me, zoning back into the present. His smile is small and sad, dimmed and broken like his lamp. I thread my fingers through his and squeeze for comfort. He brings my hand to his lips and kisses it and I try not to look as affected by it as I feel. He lets go after he kisses it.

“Thanks for being cool about this, I didn’t know who to go to.”

He looks so lost, and upset. I want to comfort him but there are no words I can say to do that. I open my mouth to try to say something anyway, but the familiar sound of his front door opening interrupts me before I can.

“Harry?” Miranda’s distinct voice carries over. Harry shoots out of his chair and goes to meet her. I watch on, out of view as she hugs him and apologises. “I just needed to clear my head. Then I got a taxi and ended up near my mum’s. I think I drank too many mimosas. I don’t know Harry, I brought an apology drink...”

She trails off as she spots Charlie laying down with her toys. She looks towards the kitchen and I look away quick enough to not see if she’d seen me or not.;

“I didn’t realise you had...guests.” She says slowly, slower, I can tell her words slur together. She really did have too much to drink.

“My...Charlie came up, her mum’s just in the kitchen.” Harry says, his words loaded with unspoken meaning.

“Oh. So I leave for a few hours and you invite them back.” My eyes bug out as I realise Miranda was planning on rehashing it right here. I get up and move towards Charlie but unfortunately I have to pass by them to get there.

“I was supposed to see Charlie yesterday, I didn’t know where you went! You weren’t picking up I just invited them up-”

“My phone died!” Miranda pushes Harry away and I move quicker towards Charlie, urging her to go play in her room but she stays on the floor stubbornly.

“Miranda please love, let’s not start this here again. Charlie-”

“What about me Harry? I haven’t gotten any attention from you for weeks! I thought we agreed yesterday-”

“They’re just here for the month! I never get to see her Miranda stop being unreasonable.”

“I don’t know why I thought coming back here was a good idea!” Miranda shouts. I pull Charlie up but even she’s frozen in spot watching Miranda. “You’re just never going to love me the way I want to are you? I’m never going to compare against...her. Them. Whatever!”

Harry tries to soothe her but she throws him off again, dropping her bottle to the floor with a thud. She turns to me while I back away to the bedroom with Charlie. “This is what you wanted isn’t it? Him all to yourself? This is why you came here all along? I bet your air bnb didn’t even have a bloody issue! He never wanted you in the first place! Newsflash: he has a girlfriend! Me! Not you-”

“Miranda! Enough.” Harry says and she shuts up. I scoop Charlie up and take her to the room but she starts crying because she dropped Oreo in the living room. I go back for it and Miranda is shouting at Harry, either she was too drunk to care or she was at the end of her stick. Or both. But when she starts to swear Harry tries to move her outside.

“It’s not like she can hear over how loud she’s fucking crying!” Miranda shouts. She really was having this breakdown here, but I pause. I wasn’t okay with her talking about Charlie like that, and I watch as Harry freezes over as he feels the same way.

“Miranda. That’s enough.” He says seriously.

“I’ve had enough Harry,” she’s on the verge of tears. I shuffle back to the bedroom and quiet Charlie down but as soon as she does the shouting gets loud enough that we can hear.

“Why is she yelling at dad?” Charlie asks, her nose red from crying.

“She’s...upset.” I say lamely.

“She shouldn’t yell at him,” she says quietly.

“Sometimes, when you’re that upset it just feels like you have to yell. But you’re right, we shouldn’t yell at each other. They’ll be okay.”

Eventually they quiet down and I feel like a prisoner stuck in the room, wondering when it was okay to leave. Charlie feels the same way because she eventually opens the door when I’m distracted and heads out.

“Charlie,” I whisper from the room but she doesn’t come back. It’s oddly quiet out and when I peep through there’s nobody actually there. I strain my ears and maybe hear them in the bedroom. I guess he’d convinced her to move location.

There’s a feeling in my stomach, like a hard seed rooting in place and pulling up the dirt as it sprouts up into my chest. I suddenly just wanted to go home, back to LA. It felt so complicated here, and I know Charlie felt at home with her dad but I was just a traveler passing through here. London, felt like a home, but it wasn’t my home. And the feeling forces me to sit down on the edge of the couch. Charlie notices my expression and hovers nearby, eventually climbing up beside me and leaning her head on me. I pull her into me and try to work my way out of the funk I found myself in, turning on the TV just so I didn’t have to suffer in silence.

When Harry eventually comes out with Miranda, I’m making a snack for Charlie who stays seated in front of the TV, eyes glued to whatever was on. I try not to think too hard about why they both looked freshly showered, about what this meant for us all. Miranda sits on the couch and Harry hovers over them all watching. From my view in the kitchen, the feeling from before creeps back. Harry catches my eye just then and raises his chin, is everything okay. I smile reassuringly, it takes everything in me to fake it, before resuming my slicing.

I had to get over Harry, I think. On some level, I was still holding onto him and not dating anyone because I continued to compare everyone to how he made me feel. I was vulnerable living with him, I’d made up some version in my head of a family while I lived here and I watched Harry in his fatherly role. Some part of me hoped it would come true. But watching him with Miranda and Charlie like this, he didn’t need me. I was just a past dream, one that felt good to indulge in. Miranda was clearly his future.

“Charlie,” I call her name once I’ve cut up her snack. I stay in the kitchen, where I watch Harry touch Miranda’s shoulder reassuringly. I watch them make up and then watch as she leaves. Harry doesn’t once come into the kitchen, and I try not to show how gutted I feel.

***

I don’t hear from Harry for a few days. Charlie decided to sleep over for a few days, and I’m more than fine with it as I work to meet some upcoming deadlines. Marc pops in and out of his apartment, we have a few meals together but mostly I let myself get lost in my work. Charlie comes up every so often, but she spends most of her time with her dad. With only one week left here, I understand. I didn’t want to be around him, and make it harder for me to move on.

With less than a week to stay, Charlie asks me curiously as I put her to bed,

“Is Uncle Marc your boyfriend?”

“What?” I stare at her, where was that question coming from? Marc and I made sure to keep our distance whenever she was here. “Why would you ask something like that?”

“I dunno. Dad said you cared about Marc.”

“Dad said what?” I breath deeply. For someone who was calling me a hypocrite he outright told Charlie Marc was my boyfriend? “Marc and I are just good friends honey, like you and Carrie. I don’t know why your dad said that.”

“I like Uncle Marc,” Charlie says as she grows sleepy. “He’s nice.”

I grind my teeth, why would Harry say something like that?

I go back to the living room where I was working on an article, Marc sits opposite me working late too. But no matter how many times I read what I wrote, I can’t focus. My mind spins asking why Harry would tell Charlie something like that.

“Where are you going?” Marc asks as I get up suddenly.

“I’m leaving Charlie asleep here,” I pick my sweater off the couch and slip it on. “I need to talk to Harry.”

“It’s 12am,” Marc puts his laptop to the side. “Ohh I see. You don’t have to use code with me love.”

“What?” I’m confused but it clicks a moment later. “Marc don’t be so immature I just need to talk to him about something he said to Charlie.”

“I won’t wait up, don’t worry. Charlie’s fine here.” He resumes working on his laptop and I don’t even bother correcting him. I fly out of the apartment and up to Harry’s. I didn’t care if he was sleeping, I needed to speak to him. I do a quick knock before fiddling with my key, entering the space just as Harry comes into view.

“Y/N?” Harry’s sleepy face stares at me for a beat, his eyebrows furrowed. And suddenly faced with a shirtless Harry, I realise I could have walked in on him doing anything. I didn’t really think this through--Miranda could be over. Shit.

“We needed to talk,” I close the door behind me and stand up straight, ready to lay into him.

“Now?”

“Yes, now. It couldn’t wait.”

“Come in, I guess.” He steps back and I walk into a brighter space, he follows behind.

“Why would you tell Charlie that Marc was my boyfriend? Or we were seeing each other?” I jump right in.

Harry must still be sleep-confused because he sits down on an armchair and stares up at me trying to piece my sentence in his head. My hands on my hips are fists as I wait impatiently.

“I didn’t tell her he was your boyfriend.” He starts slowly. “She just asked why we weren’t hanging out like before and all these questions about--well you know Charlie. So I said it was complicated; we cared about each other but you cared about other people too like Marc.”

“Why bring Marc into this? She doesn’t know anything.”

“I didn’t mean to,” Harry gets defensive. “I was just trying to break it down to her.”

“So you brought Marc and me into her mind as someone I’m with--the reason why we weren’t hanging out like before? As if Miranda and you isn’t excuse enough?”

“Well, not anymore?” He squints up at me.

“Well...why not anymore?” I didn’t follow.

“Y/N...” He stares at me, searching my face as if I was lying but I don’t even know what I would be lying about. I raise an eyebrow. “Miranda and I broke up--that day you were here and she came in, we broke up, I thought you knew that. That’s why Charlie was staying with me for so long, I wasn’t going anywhere.”

“Y-you broke up?” I was stunned, the way it looked to me, they had made up. “Charlie knew?”

“I don’t know. She just thought Miranda wasn’t coming around. I don’t know if it was worth explaining to her.”

“Oh. Wow,” I sit down on the couch, digesting that Harry and Miranda actually broke up that day. All this time I thought he was quiet because they were back together, but he must have been getting over the breakup. And I didn’t even ask him how he was--he must think I was- “Harry I had no idea, I would’ve....done-or said something. If I knew. I’m sorry.”

“I thought you were just staying out of it,” Harry chuckles to himself. “I didn’t realise you didn’t know.”

“The breakup was so...civil. I couldn’t tell! Can you imagine if we broke up like that all those years ago?”

That makes Harry laugh. “Maybe we would have made up quicker.”

“Maybe,” I whisper, playing with the ring on my finger. My mind races as the last few days make a lot more sense. But the only question that lingers on my mind was, why Harry didn’t try to make his move. If all those words he said over the last few weeks were true--why didn’t he try to talk to me? The only thing I can come up with was that he wanted to stay friends. It would get too complicated. “Well, now that that’s cleared I should probably go.”

I stand up as Harry does. He clears his throat, looks up at me like he wants to say something. I wait a moment, and when he doesn’t the awkward starts to settle.

“Sorry for waking you,” I say, trying to signal that I was now leaving.

“Doesn’t matter.” He shrugs it off. “But...aren’t you mad that I told Charlie?”

“Uh, yeah. Kind of,” I try to figure out where he’s going with this. “But, given your circumstances, I’ll let it slide just this once.”

“Oh c’mon Y/N,” There’s a ghost of a smile on his lips. “Don’t give me that. I don’t need your pity-forgiveness.”

“Fine,” I cross my arms playing along. “If that’s what you want, I don’t forgive you.”

“Good. I want to earn my forgiveness.” Harry says, and it sounds like he’s saying one thing but meaning another.

“Okay well, I’ll think of something.”

“I can think of a few things,” he says with a twinkle. I can’t help the laugh that bursts out; he was making me nervous.

“Like what?” I impulsively ask, fuck it I tell myself. If I couldn’t flirt with my daughter’s single dad what was the point, right?

“Hm,” he takes the few steps between us and flashes me a charming smile. “I could get on my hands and knees and beg, or” he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and his finger traces the curve of my ear down to my neck, his movements slow and his finger dipping borderline dangerous. “I hear jewellery can work.” he taps my chest but just as quickly his hand moves up to cup my face, his thumb brushing my lips, “or I can cook you your favourite meal and watch you enjoy it or...” I keep my eyes on him, trying not to give in, but as soon as he moves his hand up into my hair, I close my eyes without meaning to. He knew my favourite feeling was his fingers in my hair and even now, it was no different.

“Or what?” I whisper, eyes still closed, too afraid of what I’ll see if I open them.

“Look at me,” He whispers. I swallow, he says it again and I finally open my eyes. He’s not even hiding what he wants, but he is holding back. “I don’t want to force you into anything, I want you Y/N...but I know you’re with Marc so if you want me to stop I-”

“Harry,” I cut him off. Marc was right, he really didn’t know--that must be why he left me alone. And now in the midst of this heat, I had to tell him--I’d only played myself: “Marc and I aren’t together. We got together a few times but we were never actually...together.”

“Wait.” his hand leaves my hair and I want to snatch it back. He takes a step away, his eyes flitting at he thinks. “So this whole time?”

I shrug.

“This whole time, you just let me believe you and him...”

I try not to look too guilty as realization dawns on him. When he steps towards me again, his mouth is curved into a smile. And one might think it’s a nice smile, but the look in his eyes, I knew he was gearing up for something, because now he knows I let him believe Marc and I were going out on purpose. And I was going to pay.

“Okay, okay so I can explain,” I hold my hand out but he just keeps walking until I stumble back into the couch I just got up from. He leans over me, and a giggle bursts out from nervousness. “Harry really, I-”

“You let me believe,” he grabs the hand I have raised and envelops it in his, taking away my only defense. “That you were going out with Marc? just to bother me?”

“Well,” I’m at a loss for words as I look everywhere but at his face. “It worked, didn’t it?”

“A little too well,” he murmurs. When I give in and look at him, I'm a goner.

“I'm sorry,” I say. “Really I-”

“You’re not getting away with it that easily.”

“What happened to forgiveness? We can mutually forgive!”

“I’m not that kind of person,” he says. Before I can respond he’s somehow managed to lift me up and sling me over his shoulder.

“This-Harry!” I try to wriggle out but his hands are iron clad on my legs. His apartment floats upside down as he carries me. “I’m sorry! C’mon! This is cruel and unusual punishment! I-”

The breath is knocked out of me as he lays me down on the bed, we look at each other for a moment and then his face cracks into a grin, “Last time I checked, you were into cruel and unusual punishment.”

I laugh, “That was four years ago love, a lot can change in 4 years.”

“Hm,” he leans over me and I crawl up the bed until my head hits the pillow, as he follows. “But some things never change, do they?”

“No,” I stare into his green eyes. They shine with unadulterated joy and adoration. My stomach swarms with butterflies like I’m a teenage girl, like I was Y/N so long ago, excited the hot guy from the party took me home. I hold his face in mine and kiss him with the same joy and adoration. “Some things never change.”

“I love you Y/N,” he says into my neck. I push him up to look at him, he says it again and I can’t stop grinning.

“Are you going to make me wait?” he raises an eyebrow. “Is that my punishment.”

I shake my head, “I think we punished each other enough the last few years.”

He nods in agreement, “That’s deep.”

“So’s my love,” I push the cheesiness which always got him to laugh. He laughs now too, and I feel the small thrill of being the one to do that. “I love you”

“Phew. Now let me kiss you,” he pulls my shirt off effortlessly and our lips meet in the middle, missing each other already.

And as we press into each other, relearning every inch of the other, catching up for all those silent years, we just fit together like we were absolutely made for each other. And truer words didn’t exist: some things never change.

Epilogue

[hanjislabig]

Hanji's Past

"Isn’t it worth trying?"

————-

(Thats an extract from a story me and my friend write. An evening with Levi and Hanji, eating crackers, drinking red wine and talking about old wounds.)

Hanji looks at Levi with loving eyes. "Offer up your beating hearts... that’s a really serious promise... at least that’s what my mother always said." She takes another cracker and slips it into her mouth, while relaxing on the bed again.

Her last sentence makes Levi sit up. "You've actually never told me much about your parents, how comes?"

"There’s nothing special I could tell you,” she answers his question and shrugs casually. “But what do you mean, I already did tell you some things.”

"Right, you did", Levi says. He has noticed her unusual reaction to his question immediately. "But only a few things from your childhood. I mean - what else? Are they still alive, are you still in contact with them, do they know about me, whatever."

Hanji remains silent for a moment. She often talks about her parents casually, but rather with the intention to displace the latest happenings. The ones that she’d rather ban out of her mind completely. Now she gets confronted with everything again, she doesn’t hate to talk about what happened, but she’s definitely not keen to tell it everyone.

Hanji takes a deep sigh before she changes her position and sits up, pulling her legs against her body and wrapping her arms around them. "You really wanna know? I mean you don’t have to ask out of politeness.“

Levi changes his own position a little bit. "Sound like there's something that's not easy to talk about", he says. "So I only wanna know if you wanna tell me."

Hanji sighs again but nods then. She props her chin on her knees and starts thinking where to begin.

"So, my father was a scout in survey corps. He always used to be away for long periods of time, when they went on expeditions. Besides he always needed to leave for Trost to work. In his free time though when he was at home, he did a lot of stuff with chemistry and architecture. I loved to read in his books and rummage in his stuff,“

Hanji chuckles lightly at the memory.

"Altough i didn’t understand anything of these academic textes. You know I just wanted to seem as smart as did. So I assume his interests somehow woke the interest in me too.“

She sighs.

“My moms a botanist. Sometimes she also cared for the kids in our neighborhood. We also had this huge lively garden where I spent a lot of my childhood in. She planted her flowers everywhere, it was beautiful, especially in spring when everything bloomed. Sometimes I simply sat the whole day in the grass, watching the insects flying around and doing their tasks, listening to the birds... I loved the nature, I remember that.“

From one moment to another Hanji gets more serious again and it seems like she came back to reality.

"When I was 12 years old, my father died,” she continues with a voice that doesn’t reveal much, “he was one of the deceased of an expedition. My mother and I didn’t know much about titans back then, no one has ever seen one, they were only known through stories. When I was a child... we didnt have these wall problems yet,” Hanji stares down on her feet, lost in her thoughts.

“We got the message over a letter from the commander. That my father died in war against the so called titans.”

Hanjis eyes narrow, almost not noticeable while she speaks about the titans. Even if it’s only for a short moment, it seems like her attitude towards these monster changes.

"Before that happened I never considered joining the sure corps. I didn’t even think about it. It was nothing more than the job my father had. But after I got to know he got killed by titans...“ she falters, "... I think that could’ve been the trigger for my Titan obsession. But not exactly like I see them now, no... I wanted retribution, revenge, justice for what happened to my father. I got obsessed with titans because of all the hate I carried in myself. So I guess that was the moment when i realized I want to avenge my father and I decided from one day to another that I’ll do the same job as he did. I wanted to kill all of these titans everyone was talking about and afraid of."

Hanji swallows with a dry throat and takes a brief break.

"Like I said, I was twelve years old at this point. My father passed away only a few months before the recruitment for the next legion started. I was completely convinced that becoming a soldier would be my destination so I... I let myself get registered that day... but without telling my mom...“

Hanji lowers her eyes and gazes at her hands, a feeling of guilt coming over her.

“This lead us to heaving the worst fight ever. It was... something worse ive ever experienced in my entire life before at this point,” Hanji can’t help but pulling a slightly pained face as the memories flash her, “I told my mother that I was joining the corps. And she said no. And I said yes. My mother...I realize it now... she was so concerned and frightened. If I just imagine this... her only daughter wants to do the exact same job that got her husband killed only a few months ago."

Hanji presses her lips together.

“She didn’t want me to go... but I didn’t listen. I didn’t care, I thought she’d be too selfish to let me go... how could I-... I was too young to understand how the love of a mother works..."

Silence again.

"I packed my few necessary things and left my mother behind. I was so furious, you can’t imagine. Full of blind anger and a raging, ambitious heart. I can-... still see her face... this expression in her eyes when I-... when I left without turning around a single time...”

Hanji slowly shakes her head in disbelief and breathes out shivering.

“That was the last time I saw my mother. I’ve never seen her again since then.” She has to look away from Levi, her facial expression tormented and hurt as she remembers what happened back then.

Levi listens to her the whole time without saying a word, just focusing on her story. When she talks about her life back then he feels a little pain in his chest. It sounds more than beautiful. So beautiful he's having a hard time even imagining it.

He finds it hard to believe such a happy childhood is even possible. But then he learns how that happiness ended. It's just a story like all the others, nothing they haven't heard a hundred times before. And still it's not. Because it's her story. Her pain, her motivation, her reason to choose the path she chose, the cross she has to bear every day.

There's this picture inside his head, a twelve-year-old Hanji, fuelled by sorrow and hatred, trying to turn that pain into power. This part of the story seems much more familiar and Levi thinks to himself that at least she had something to focus her anger on. In his own story there was no bad guy, no-one who had ruined his life and still it was ruined. So he turned his hatred against the whole world, but the whole world is a bad enemy.

Levi continues listening and it doesn't get better. He feels sympathy for Hanji's mother, what her daughter did to her wasn't fair. But still he doesn't blame Hanji. She was young, passionate, furious, had a goal. If she was anything like she's now that made her unstoppable. But back then she didn't have the far-sightedness to realise how what she was doing affected the person who cared about her most. Sometimes she still doesn't.

Hanji's wish to join the survey corps is just as understandable as her mother's for her to stay. It was a tragic situation with no possible outcome that would have been good for everyone. Still Hanji should have handled it differently. She knows that and this knowledge tears her apart. This is why Levi forgives her immediately. He's as sure that her mother would forgive her as well as he's sure Hanji won't ever. Maybe that's why she suffers from guilt issues whenever something happens to the people and creatures around her.

For almost two decades she's lived with the knowledge that it was her who has caused a person close to her pain and she never wants that to happen again. But whenever something similar happens she thinks it's her fault automatically. The fact that she hasn't found the courage to see her mother again since surely makes it worse. Hanji probably thinks she's a coward, which doesn't exactly help her build self-esteem. Levi moves a bit closer to her and starts massaging her neck soothingly.

"Thanks for telling me this", he says after remaining silent for a while. "What happened between you and your mother is really bad", he begins carefully.

"But you know that you did her wrong and that's the first step in the right direction. You didn't mean to hurt her back then, you just did what we all have to do at some point, you chose how to live your life. She shouldn't have tried to stop you, that's probably what she's telling herself every day, but she was worried. And you shouldn't have left without talking to her about it, but you were a young girl who had just lost her father and got it all wrong. It's awful how it ended..."

Levi stops for a moment and his voice changes.

"...but it didn't end. You're alive, she's alive, thank whoever you want to thank for that. So many of our next of kin are dead, there's no way we can sort anything out or be united with them in this life again. You've got that chance so many of us dream about. Take it."

He gives Hanji an encouraging nudge.

"You've forgiven her and you love her, there's a high chance she's forgiven you as well and I'm a hundred percent sure she loves you. So what are you waiting for? You love each other, you miss each other. You've both made mistakes but we all do. If there's any way you can talk things out and become a family again, isn't it worth trying?"

[yeaahishowedupatyourparty]

PARENTHOOD INTERVIEW: Zara. 

10 QUESTIONS NOT LINKED TO YOUR KID(S).

what is your current career now? “I’m an actress, director and producer. The latter two more often.” 

are you enjoying it? “I am, I love my job.” 

where do you currently live? “That’s a great question. I still have an obsession with property so we have a few different ‘homes’, but we’re still where we were when I bought my first house. Danny and I have renovated it, done things to the garden and added bits on which just makes it more sentimental to me. It’s where everything started.” 

are you married? “Happily.” 

what is one thing that’s stayed the same with you since st judes? “I’m still with Danny, I have the same passion for film and tv and I’m still living in the Springs for the most part.”

what’s the biggest change you’ve experienced? “Everything else. Mainly my mindset.” 

now that you’re older and have had a successful career, what’s your biggest goal in life? “To appreciate the people I have in my life fully. I never want to become too caught up in something that I miss making memories with them.” 

would you still consider yourself famous? “To an extent.” 

what was the first thing you did after your graduation? “I went to Los Angeles and just existed for a few days. I have a love, hate relationship with the place but it’s where everything started for me. So, I felt like it was necessary for it to be the place that I closed that chapter of my life too.” 

do you have any regrets about your time in st judes? “Many and funnily enough, all of them were when I let somebody else dictate how I was feeling or I listened to people’s judgements too much.”

QUESTIONS ABOUT PARENTHOOD.

who are your children? list them in age order. “Daphne and Adelaide, Addy.” 

if you gave birth, who was the easiest pregnancy? if you didn’t, which pregnancy did you feel most anxious about. “I was most anxious about Daphne because she was the first. I didn’t know what to expect and I fell down the hole of reading pregnancy horror stories. But luckily, neither were complicated. I had great pregnancies and births both times round.” 

did you have any baby showers or gender reveals? if yes, what did you do? "Nothing official. I find gender reveals tricky because, who cares? I would’ve been happy both ways and I’d expect every member of my family to feel the same.” 

what kind of parent would your children describe you as, do you think? “I hope fair? I don’t think I annoy either of them enough for them to say anything too harsh!”

which stage was hardest: baby, toddler, child, teenager or young adult? “For Daphne, baby. I think I went into it with rose-tinted glasses. For Addy, teenager.” 

what has been your favourite memory with each child? “This is such a hard question, there’ve been so many.” 

be honest, do you think you’ve had any failings as a parent? “Definitely. I always worry that I haven’t taught them to be headstrong enough. I feel like raising passive children who lay down and take whatever somebody is trying to give them is a massive fear of mine. I was that girl for a while.” 

what do you think you do well as a parent? “You’d have to ask them.” 

how much involvement do your own parents have in your child’s life? “None.” 

as a parent, what is something you’re still learning? “Life for them isn’t always going to be how it was for me. It treats everybody differently. Just because I had a strange relationship with my sisters, it doesn’t mean they they’re going to get more distant every time they have typical sister fights. Also, not to be hard on myself, but I do worry a lot.” 

what’s the funniest memory from parenthood so far? “There have been so many. I’m trying to think...One thing about Addy is that she’s always been obsessed with Danny. He’s her favourite person, she’s a through and through Daddy’s girl. Anyway, we went to one of her Christmas shows and she was 5 at most...She was the star, and when I tell you that her teachers could not convince her to stay on stage rather than keep wandering into the audience to sit on his lap, I mean it. I think it threw off the whole production - bless her.” 

when do you feel like you were needed the most? “For Daphne, I think it’s just been quietly throughout her life. She’s never been a child who needs our help. She’s always got on with things and done her best; very independent. But, it doesn’t mean she can get through everything alone. Nobody can, we’ve always been close, though, and I feel confident she’d talk to me if she really felt she was in trouble. I think Addy most needed us during high school. I can’t recall a day that she didn’t come home from that place and cry. I think teenagers, specifically girls, are awful to each other and not enough is ever done about it. I know they were just children but I’ll never forgive them or the parents who raised them for those years. Addy was a completely different child.” 

JUST FOR FUN, WHICH CHILD… if you have just one child, you can just say if they’d do the stuff or not.

which child is the most sensible? “Daphne. Hands down. Sorry, Ads.” 

which child is the most independent? “Daphne, again.” 

which child did you always have suspicions about being famous one day? “Probably Addy. Not because I never thought Daphne had potential, but Addy’s always been very...melodramatic and theatrical, even as a toddler.”

which child was the hardest work as a child? “Can I say neither? They were both good kids.” 

which child have you cried/stressed over the most? “Addy. The whole high school thing. I’m not afraid to say that because I think the girls who put her through that should have to live with the guilt.”

which child has the tidiest room? “Daphne, daphne, daphne.” 

which child do you think likes you the most? “Daphne. I hope they both do!” 

which child is most likely to forget your birthday? “Addy.” 

which child is/was the most academic? “Daphne.” 

which child is/was the most athletic? “Daphne.” 

which child tends to be the most annoying? “That’s an awful question, I’m not going to say!” 

which child asks for money the most? “Addy. She discovered the bank of Mum and Dad way before her time.”

which child is most likely to move in back home? “I think Addy.” 

which child helps out around the house the most? “Daphne. They’re both pretty good at chores though.” 

which child enjoyed disney the most growing up? “Definitely Addy.” 

BEING AN ACADEMY PARENT.

did you have a say in the academy(s) your child(ren) picked? “I didn’t!” 

how did you feel when your child decided they wanted to go to an academy? “Nervous, I won’t lie. I had my doubts but then figured I’d be doing them more harm if I actively stopped them from going.” 

do any of your children study the same as what you did? are they less, equally or more successful than what you were? “Daphne acts! I’d say yes she is more successful than me, but also, success can be measured in different ways. I don’t like the idea of either of them basing their achievements around how many roles they can land or how many awards they pick up.”

when your child(ren) were younger, what did you THINK they’d end up working as? “I thought Daphne would maybe go into writing and Addy into the make-up industry, but I think what they’re both doing now also makes sense.”

have you met any of your child’s friends or partners? “No...I’ve heard of one, though. Let’s leave it there.” 

what’s your biggest worry about your children being in an academy? “I don’t think I have one anymore. I’m starting to learn to live and let live. They’ve been fine in life so far and I’m sure they can take care of themselves without me constantly trying to control what they do or shield them from things.” 

what’s the one piece of advice you’d give your child as they start this journey that you wished you had? “Enjoy it and do what you want! Love who you want. It’s so cliche but it goes so quickly and there is nowhere near enough time to worry about what people might be saying. Also remember that you can’t steal a person anymore than you can keep them - if only somebody told me that!”

MEMORY LANE.

what tv programmes/films were on repeat as your children were growing up? “Bratz, Winx, Nancy Drew, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Hannah Montana, High School Musical...Addy was obsessed with Trolls at one stage. I could keep going.” 

have you ever lost your child/had something happen that’s made you panic? “I lost Daphne in the supermarket once. I was hysterical, but she was fine and looking at the pictures of puppies on the dog food.” 

what was the first holiday you went on as a whole family? “Is it bad I can’t remember? We had family holidays before and after Addy’s birth and I really can’t pinpoint which one was the first where we were all together. One of my favourites, though, was when we went to Greece. It was so scenic and beautiful and the girls spent all day in and out of the ocean. Ive never seen them so occupied!”

can you remember a time you’ve ever been called to the principals office? “No! They’re good girls.” 

say one thing about your child that you think they’d like to hear, but wouldn’t expect you to say. “As long as you’re happy, I’m happy - do what you want, angels.” 

[shaechans]

ask game!!

the answers are under the cut in case it goes too long hehe

Last Song You Listened To?

from home by nct

Relationship Status.

single!!

Did You Wake Up Cranky?

no in fact i woke in a really good mood cause i didn’t have school lmao

How Many Followers?

426 holy shit thank you

Take A Vitamin Daily?

nope

Do You Sing In The Shower?

of course. but sometimes i just think of shower thoughts

What Books Are You Reading?

started the hunger games series recently

Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14.

“information technology (IT) is the study of design, development, implementation, support or management of computer based information” that’s my sisters’ 8th grade social textbook lols

Favourite Anime?

death note (thats the only ive watched so far, gonna start haikyuu soon)

Last Person You Cried In Front Of?

my mom sigh i cried cause of this terrible headache i had and couldn’t handle anymore

Do You Collect Anything?

...albums?

What Did You Have For Lunch?

fish curry and fish fry yum

Do You Dance In The Car?

more like sing than dance but then again, it depends on the song and the mood im in

Do You Watch The Olympics?

as of now, no but i might have to soon

What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed?

11pm on school days and 1-2am on weekends

Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now?

nope

Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean?

none. i don’t like swimming. but if i chad to choose, pool. i’m thalassophobic

Bottled Water Or Tap Water?

bottled!!!

What Makes You Happy?

making people laugh, the noise of laughter, kpop, and spending time with people i like annoying

Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now.

Do You Study Better With Or Without Music?

with music. but like music i haven’t heard before otherwise i get distracted and sing along

Dogs Or Cats?

dogs!!!!!!!111!!!! but cats have been coming at me recently

If You Were A Crayon What Colour Would You Be?

ngl red or orange

PlayStation Or Xbox

hmm playstation

Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean?

lake better than ocean

Do You Believe In Magic?

yesss except black magic that’s bullshit

What Colour Shirt Are You Wearing?

juniper green

Can You Curl Your Tongue?

yup!

Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You?

yes my shorts

Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now?

yes treasure (and superm’s super one album)

Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly?

noooo they’re scary

Are You Easily Influenced By Other People?

yes VERY easily. i’m a trend follower

Do You Have Strange Dreams?

all the time, it’s fun to think about in the morning

Do You Like Going On Airplanes?

oh yesss i love plane rides

Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds?

peanuts

If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be?

nct / the 1975

Are You A Picky Eater?

yes, VERY. and i have a small appetite so i can never really eat too much

Do You Like To Read / Write?

hmm write more than read

Do You Like Your Music Loud?

in between. sometimes it depends on my mood. but i’ll often lower the volume than increase

Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents?

hmmm present wrapping would be fun

What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather)

it’s the autumn > winter transition

What Are You Craving Right Now?

cookies and french fries:(( even though i ate those an hour ago

Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed.

lmao my ask and yes i use my laptop so

What Is Your Gender?

female!

Coffee Or Tea?

i don’t mind really but i would prefer coffee over tea

Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About?

nope but i do have a marketing test on the 29th yikes

Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning?

yes im tidy like that

Favourite Pokemon?

squirtle and snorlax cuties

Favourite Social Media?

ngl right now really proud of my tumblr. but it’s usually my instagram

What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories?

i love them

Do You Get Homesick?

YES ALOT, like i feel like that as soon as im out my house for like 5 minutes

Are You A Virgin?

yes and im 15

If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free?

fuck that motel i’d sleep in the car wtf

Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life?

yes<3

Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters?

hmm i don’t really yet

Do You Miss Your Ex?

don’t have one woohoo

What Is Your Favourite Quote Right Now?

if beyonce can forgive jayz, i can forgive you ~ kevin moon

Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set?

the swings were are my favourite on the playground. i LOVE going on them and will fight 5 year olds to sit on one >.<

What Was The Last Thing You Ate?

banana

Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not?

OF COURSE. i would help anyone in need of help, homeless or not, outcast or not. if you wouldn’t please unfollow me thank you

Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?

...yes

Stalked Someone On A Social Network?

..........yes

Do You Like Meeting New People?

sometimes yes sometimes no. it depends on the group of people, i’m attracted to lively and playful groups pf people

Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them.

nopeee

Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?

opennnn

What Are Three Things You Did Today?

made myself a sandwich, replayed enhypen’s teaser a billion times and watched nct world’s latest episode

What Do You Wear To Bed?

comfy clothes

List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now.

none

Are You A Day Or Night Person?

day hmmm what

Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened.

i.... cannot remember.. i briefly remember this one dream where i, along with a group of people were locked up in this tower thing and it was a test???? and the judge was rain. he trained us for a week or something to rock climbing. and then i remember sunwoo helping me win when he was in the opposite team and he was about to kiss me woop but i fell.. and suddenly i was running away in a getaway car there were sirens in the beat of your heart kjakjahsj and then i woke up whew

Favourite Soda Drink?

ginger ale

Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More?

jeans

How Do You Look Right Now?

face oily, neck sore and eyes falling woooo

Name Something That Relaxes You

this playlist

What Tattoo Do You Want?

lowkey want a mmdiii (2503) or Yea, Simon says Hurry up 거리에 널린 flat hoop들 멈춘 순간 널 향해 조준 다 쏜다Hands up 뒤돌아 Hands up 흔들어 숨이 가득 차도 여기 법 계속 달려왜 또 눈치만 보고 서있나 우두커니 왜 또 겁먹은 표정을 짓나 이걸 원해?주문을 외워 I'm God 너희를 홀려 like wow NCT we all so sexy NCT noise you can't break me 누가 날 욕해 who Bless me achoo Simon says be cool Don't be such a fool Simon says 우린 real vibe killer (killer killer killer) Simon says 우린 real vibe killer (killer killer killer) 너네들은 다 mine mine mine mine mine 너네들은 다 mine mine mine mine mine 필요 없어 그딴 말말말말말 We don't pay no mind mind mind mind mind Yo 꽉 막힌 차 사이로 길을 여는 siren 니 맘에 그 체증을 밤새 뚫고 달려누구보다 빨라 전부 뒤에 가있어 거침없어 모든 건 내게 달려Eh 점점 분위기는 high high high high 우릴 막는 소린 bye bye bye bye 신경 다 끄고 놀아 밤새 누가 뭐라 하든 상관 안 해주문을 외워 I'm God 너희를 홀려 like wow NCT we all so sexy NCT noise you can't break me 누가 날 욕해 who Bless me achoo Simon says be cool Don't be such a fool Simon says 우린 real vibe killer (killer killer killer) Simon says 우린 real vibe killer (killer killer killer) 너네들은 다 mine mine mine mine mine 너네들은 다 mine mine mine mine mine 필요 없어 그딴 말말말말말 We don't pay no mind mind mind mind mind두려워하지마 널 막는 건 너 일 뿐 yeah 착각하지마 우린 오늘 break the rules 눈을 뜨고 깨어나 이 순간 깊숙이 빠져들어가 현실과 꿈의 사이 진짜 널 찾는 그 순간Simon says 우린 real vibe killer (aye, real vibe killer) Simon says 우린 real vibe killer (aye, real vibe killer) 너네들은 다 mine mine mine mine mine 너네들은 다 mine mine mine mine mine 필요 없어 그딴 말말말말말 We don't pay no mind mind mind mind mind We don't pay no attention but i don’t maybe the mmdiii.

whew that was a long one...kudos to whoever read all this bullshit

[thatdemiguy]

Transition Goals

An exercise I've been meaning to try is to write about my transition goals now, and how/if they've changed over time. I don't like using other people as my transition goals because while they look nice, at the end of the day, I'm going to look like me and no one else, and I'm happy with that.

If I had to picture myself in the future, say at the age of 25, I think I'd look largely similar to myself now, save for having a more angular face (go testosterone), being muscular (hopefully), and flat chested. I think I'd also have a lot of tattoos, but that's not really related to being trans, ha.

I used to not want to go on testosterone. I don't know exactly why, but I think it was because I didn't know that much information about T. Of course, I didn't think I'd get roid rage or anything, but I just wasn't sure if the changes are worth it.

As I've been doing more research on HRT, I learned that there was a lot more to testosterone than I thought. I've always been athletic and worked out, but I never had good gains, and I think the culprit is fat distribution. That's one thing testosterone would help. Also, I've always had jawline dysphoria. I've never struggled with my weight, but I was always so frustrated with the way that my jawline was super undefined. I have a naturally square face, so it's like, the underlying bone structure is there, but the skin's all wrong. I wouldn't half mind my voice getting deeper: I already have an adam's apple and a deep voice, so I'd be interested in seeing how much deeper my voice can get. I hope I can get like, a thundering deathmetal voice, but I'm not confident that's genetically possible.

The thing is that I'd probably continue to shave my body on testosterone. I actually don't mind it, I'm already hairy, and I even have a semi-mustache, which I actually kinda like. If it grows more though, it'll probably have to go, but maybe I can simulate the look with 5 o'clock shadow or something.

I know testosterone won't fix all my problems or anything, but the prospect of starting it has motivated me to be healthier. I know I can get acne, but my face skin already hates me, so why not step up my skin care routine? I really want to start caring for myself more, and I think testosterone can be a huge positive part of that. Also, in terms of diet, I'm going closer to vegetarianism each day because I just like fruits and vegetables more than meat in general. I look forward to getting hungrier on T because the thought of gaining muscle weight and using more energy makes me feel euphoria. I think that's a motivator to eat more fruits and vegetables.

Okay, now here's the awkward, but also not so awkward part. I hope I can get more comfortable talking about sexual stuff because it's apart of life, I guess. When I talk about it, I mostly focus on myself since I'm on the ace spectrum. I don't know if I'll ever be interested in a sexual partner.

I actually like the idea of libido increases on testosterone. I have high libido already, but it kind of just exists and doesn't go anywhere because of dysphoria stuff. I know my sexuality won't change, but my sex drive probably will. The way I am, my sex drive isn't directed at anyone, it's more of an event I guess. I could never... get off, and I have heard that testosterone could help that. Especially since I have bottom dysphoria, I never was comfortable with most methods.

I look forward to getting bottom growth on testosterone. I don't think I want phalloplasty, but having a tiny like, thing, is perfectly fine for me. I actually don't really think a full on penis would be right for me, and I'm fine with not having testicles, as long as I get testosterone.

My mom asked me about bottom growth the other day, and I was so awkward at explaining it. I basically said that, in the womb, everyone starts with the same structures, so testosterone will make my existing "structures" more male. And after I explained that, she asked, "So you want a penis?" I think it's funny now, as I'm not currently feeling awkward in the conversation, but it seems like that's one of the things that really gets my parents.

Medically, I know that once I start testosterone, I'm most likely going to take it indefinitely. The thought of some changes reversing over time if I go off T gives me serious dysphoria. I do want a hysterectomy, but I'm probably keeping my ovaries just to be prudent. That way, if I can't access testosterone for some reason, I won't have osteoporosis, and I won't have to worry about bleeding ever again.

I want to go on testosterone gel, and luckily for me, I know a a compounding pharmacy that'll probably make it cheaper. The reason why I want gel is not because I'm scared of needles, but I don't want to get peaks and troughs of hormone levels (I've had enough of that already). I hope that, once my dose is secured for the future, I can start getting testosterone pellets instead for consistency. My only worry is that my doctor will make me do shots. I have bad skin reactions to needles (I would break out in rashes around the area for weeks after getting immunizations and once an IV). There's the possibility that I could be allergic to the gel, but I'd rather chance that than chance a testosterone deposit being inside my thigh for days and causing me a worse allergic reaction. I want my dose to be in the normal male range. Going on a low dose sounds interesting, but in the long term, I'd get the same changes anyway.

In terms of top surgery, once my chest grew (measuring cup size makes me too dysphoric- I'm not large chested, but they're very dense and hard to crush), I felt sad about needing double incision. But the idea of double incision is freeing actually, as I want go ditch the nips for good. My nipples always grossed me out, and I'd hate to have them stretched after surgery. Plus, I was going to blast over them with chest tattoos anyway, so like, why keep them around? I think it'd also look nice to have diagonal scars, if that's possible for me. I actually want more of an ambiguous chest than a countored one, as I want to get muscular anyway.

I've always wanted top surgery since I was 11, but originally, I thought I'd have to have nipples. Knowing my opinions makes me a lot more confident. A hysterectomy was also on the list from the beginning, and that was definitely something I had been super obsessed with. Now, I don't feel like it's as much of a priority, but I hope to get it pretty soon after starting T and having too surgery.

This has pretty much been my transition goals as of late. I guess I can consolidate it into testosterone, mastectomy, hysterectomy.

[readbeneaththelines]

His Possession Pt. 6

This is NSFW, PLEASE READ WITH DISCRETION.

A/N: Debts are collected, one way or the other. Unfortunately, you were the collection for your father’s debt.

Yoongi is ruthless, cunning, and obsessive.

Characters: Yoongi x Reader

Warnings’ violence, language

this chapter has an extra warning: Rough handling of reader. please read with caution.

Word Count: 2130

This is NSFW, PLEASE READ WITH DISCRETION.

cr. to gif owner

You awoke to the sensation of weight across your waist. With eyes still closed, your hand felt along the intruding object. You felt an arm, wrist, and fingers hold you from your right side. Opening one eye, you looked to your right, seeing a sleeping Yoongi next to you. You should have been startled, scared even, but you just watched him. He looked almost kind when he slept. No hard lines, no scowl on his face. You would even venture to say handsome, under any other circumstances. You tried to fidget your way from under him, but when you moved, so did he. His arm tugging you closer and you held your breath. Sleepy eyes opened and it took him a moment to realize the predicament. He shot upright, nearly falling off the bed as he tried to distance himself from you.

"I- I must have fallen asleep." He stammered out.

 "You did, but it's okay. You needed rest too. But I must say, I never pictured you as a cuddler."

"Shut up! You must be feeling better." You laughed at his flustered appearance, his hair tousled messily, and voice still groggy. 

"I am, thank you." You stretched your arms, a content sigh passing your lips. The sound stirred something low in Yoongi’s gut. Clearing his troat, he managed to squeak out an apology.

 “Sorry, I’m still trying to wake up.Why don’t I order you some food brought up. While you’re eating, and you will eat something, I’ll go shower.” You nodded in agreement, the audible growl of your stomach confirming you were, indeed, hungry. He called down to the kitchen, ordering you a light breakfast of toast and fruit, with juice. When it arrived he excused himself and hurried out of the room. 

The shower gave him time to calm down. But thinking about how you looked when you stretched, the way your back arched while you sighed in an innocent, yet completely seductive way, made him fight to keep his arousal in check. He couldn’t believe that, with you laid up in bed sick, he had a fleeting thought of you in any sexual manner. 

No way Yoongi! She’s your possession, not your lover.

The water ran cool as he began to fully awaken and think clearly. 

But damn, she felt good next to you.

He cursed himself under his breath at the lingering image of you lying net to him in his pyjamas. Which, in fact, did make you look even more inticing. Groaning loudly he quickly rinsed and got dressed. When he returned, he was pleased to see that you had cleared your plate. 

“Did I eat good enough, sir?” you asked coyly, a proud grin on your face. 

“Yes, it will help you get your energy back. You want anything else before I get going I have a lot to get done to make up for last night.” 

“I’m sorry about that. I hope you didn’t miss anything important because of me.” 

“Everything I have to do is important, but it can be made up if I get moving.” he stood in the doorway, watching you drink down the last of your juice.

 “The only thing I want is a bath. A nice long soaking bath. But I’ll manage until later.” A mental image of you naked, immersed in steaming hot water had Yoongi biting the inside of his cheek. How is it that he is having such images with you in your position. 

Because she is your possession, Yoongi. You own her, she is whatever you want her to be.

"I’ll call for one of the housemaids to help you draw a bath. But only after Dr. Choi or one of his assistants checks on you later.” He pulled out his phone, making a call. “They will be here within the hour, so you can get one after that.” 

“Yoongi?” you called his name softly. “Will you be gone all day? I mean, I was just wondering because I will be stuck up here all day by myself, and I have no one to talk to.” Yoongi rolled his eyes in exasperation. “I’ll send Kook up here, he’ll talk your ear off. You’ll beg for quiet after he’s done.” you both chuckle at the proclamation, You finding yourself admiring his gummy smile.

 “I think that’s the first time you have smiled since I’ve been here.” He dropped the grin and frowned suddenly. It was the first time in a long time that he had remembered genuinely smiling.

“I’ll see you later, Y/N. Try to get some more rest.” And with that he left, mentally smacking himself for his dirty thoughts.

“Bye.” you said to thin air, settling back under the covers. You were stirred awake by the voice of a woman beside you.

 “Good morning Miss. I’m Dr. Choi’s assistant, Marilu. I was just checking your vitals. You seem to be improving nicely. I’m sure you are ready to get this IV out. Let’s get this out and make you a bit more comfortable.”

 In mere minutes, you were free of the invading needle and tube. Afterwards, you were greeted by a smiling Jungkook at your door. His smile reminded you of a cute little bunny and your couldn’t help but smile back. He sat down beside you, and instantly you felt right at home in his presence. He ate lunch with you, all the while telling you his story. You learned how he became one of Yoongi's men. The close knit family that they all were. 

"So Yoongi is a good leader for you all?" You asked Jungkook.

 "Of course! After his parents died and he almost died, he changed. When he was younger, he was very much the hard headed rebel. It was his way or the highway. All the weight that is now on his shoulders, he carries himself. He had no one to help him, no one beside him. He allows us to have a family if we want, but only Joon and Jin have one. The rest of us remain loyal to him out of respect. He cares for us from a distance, making sure we are well taken care of. He is rough around the edges, but he is a good man." 

You listened carefully to what he told you. Everything Yoongi did, he did by himself. He carries the burden of a tight family on his own two shoulders, alone. Not only was he friend, but sometimes 'appa' to the younger men that grew up under his watchful eye.

“Why did he want to take me? I understand that it was to pay off an old debt, but he could have taken our money, taken over the family business as payment. So, why me?” Jungkook looked down, avoiding looking you in the eyes.

“Do you remember much of your childhood, Y/N? I mean before you really grew up? Your family and Yoongi’s family spent many summers together. Yoongi remembers when you were born. He remembers holding you as a baby when the families travelled together. He watched you grow up for the first few years. You were like family to him. And when he found out that your parents were involved with what happened, it broke his heart and angered him beyond measure. Taking you has more than one reason. He wants his revenge, yes, but it goes beyond that. I’m sorry, I’ve told you more than I should already.” 

“Yes, you have” Yoongi’s hushed voice came from behind Jungkook. Looking over Kook’s shoulder, you saw him standing in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest. 

“Don’t be angry with him, I begged him to tell me. It’s my fault, not his. He only told me so I might understand things a bit better. He wasn’t trying to divulge anything secretive. Please, don’t be mad at him, if anything be mad at me.” you pleaded with Yoongi, who only stared at Jungkook. “Out, chatterbox. You better be thankful she is sacrificing herself in your place.” 

After Jungkook left, you were alone with Yoongi. You swung your legs over the side of the bed, facing the doorway. “Thank you for not yelling at him. It really wasn’t much he told me. Just that you and I grew up together, that you knew me before this. I want to say that I’m sorry for what my family did to yours. I’m sorry that there was nothing I could have done to stop it. It doesn't mean what you did was right, but I think if I was in your place, I could understand.” 

“You don’t understand anything, Y/N! I had no one growing up! You had both your parents, I had to do everything on my own. I had to run this family, I had to grow up overnight, unlike you. You got to enjoy your youth, have fun, be a kid. I had to become leader, confidant, and brother to all these men. You know nothing!” Yoongi slammed the door behind him, making you jump in your seat. He came within inches of you, his hot breath coming in waves over your face as he spoke, his tone calm and terrifying. “You know nothing, little girl, so don’t you dare patronize me with false sympathy.”

You leaned back onto the bed, cowering slightly from his angered tone. Your eyes searched his darkened orbs, reading the pain, anger, and frustration the displayed.

“It’s not false sympathy, Yoongi. I meant it. Every word. I’m sorry I was part of what happened to you. Even though I didn’t know anything, I’m part of my family so I am part of the problem. If me being your toy, your thing you own, if that will help make things right, then I will do whatever it takes to make up for what you went through.” you started to reach for his hand, but he jerked away from your touch. Your hand fell on your lap, your heart breaking for the broken man before you. 

“If we are done here, I’m going to take my hot bath now. If you would see yourself out, then I will get moving.” You rose to your feet, nearly falling because of your weak and unsteady legs. Yoongi was on his feet, grabbing your arms to hold you up. Once you were steady, you twisted from his grip and quietly walked to the bathroom. You closed the door behind you, then turned on the faucet and let the tub fill with steamy hot water as you stripped out of his clothes. After gathering towels and the necessities, you allowed your body to sink into the steaming water, the sting of hot water a welcomed intrusion. You lowered yourself until only the top of your shoulders and your head were above water. You stretch out achy legs, your head falling back onto the tub's rim. Vapor surrounded you as you added bath salts for aromatherapy. You sensed every fiber relaxing in the bath, your muscles easing and your tension melting away. 

Damn him, then. Such a stubborn ass.  He deserves to be all grumpy and miserable if he’s going to be like that anyway!

You complained and grumbled as you soothe your body. The cut on your cheek was healing nicely, and the bruises you got the day they held you tight to keep you from running were finally starting to fade. Before long there would be no visible sign of the hell you had gone through. Just the emotional scars would remain. Those thoughts brought you back to him. He surely had emotional and mental scars from what he had been through too. He had lived with his for the past twelve years. Your scars were just beginning to form. They were still fresh and ugly, his were hard and buried. Maybe one day your scars would match his. 

There was a knock at the door. “Go away Min Yoongi. I’m tired of trying to talk to your insolent stubborn ass.” You hollered back. When there was no answer you returned to closing your eyes. Wanting to wash your hair, you ducked under the water with a deep breath. Instantaneously you were jerked up by two strong hands. 

You screamed out, forgetting you were under water. Choking on water that you swallowed had you scared shitless. 

"Are you okay?" The tone one of fear.

"What the hell!" You spit out. Looking up you saw Yoongi, eyes wide and terror filled. " I heard you go under. I thought you passed out." 

"Get your hands off of me! I wasn't drowning, I was wetting my hair you idiot! You made me choke!" You were mad, and you couldn't contain your anger any more. "What do you care, you thoughtless uncaring monster!" He was taken aback by the name you called him, his hands letting go of you. 

So I am a monster.

@min-shookga-yoongi @beautifulseoulliar @agustd-suga-yoongii @astronomyturtle @aspaceformyself @dreamyoongi @holy-yoongi @trashkazuya @maxinaptak @micky1518 @rosiemilas @karri570 @seoulsunshineandstories @kwonnansi @xjamlessparkx @berryjam17 @kingsuckjin @kpoppingthempills

[todancealongthelightofday]

Well.

It's official. I’m off facebook. I had to. I can't continue to hurt myself obsessing over what you're doing and what people are saying about me. I can't be worried about every post I make and who may get upset or how much of my personal life I accidentally reveal. I'm struggling with myself to not give into the temptation of being petty. I want to show every single one of those girls you added this week all of the screenshots I have of you being the absolute worst. I want to tell your family that you never “went so hard” on me because I was “pulling some shit”. that never happened and you know it. You sit alone, bored, with a dry phone and so you decide to “miss me” and apologize and make all these promises that things will be different. The same promises that ive heard 1000 times already. Nothing was ever different. Just last night, when you accused me of so many things, you yourself were lying to me. Your snap count keeps going up, yet you yell at me that you're not talking to anyone and you'll delete snapchat. Why would it matter if you deleted it anyway? you just redownload it when I'm not around, just like you always have. Thats the thing. The trust is gone. You've used it up. You've taken every bit of trust I have and shattered it. I can't even go to my hometown anymore because I don't know who I can trust. Who you've poisoned. I know you're not telling anyone what really happened. I assume you're spinning a narrative along the lines of “she couldn't handle me being gone all the time and she was being a bitch so we broke up” instead of “I was unfaithful the entire relationship because I have a sex addiction, but I stopped wanting sex with her a long time ago. I also stopped loving her the way she craved to be loved. I stopped kissing her. I stopped calling her beautiful. I stopped enjoying her company on the couch for a lazy movie day. I stopped appreciating her as she held down the fort while I went away for work and flirted and partied and ignored her. While I was gone, she was at work or at home. She was paying bills and calling plumbers and yard workers, and getting estimates on fence work and painters and floor replacements. She was cooking and cleaning and caring for our dogs. She was allowing others to stay in the house because they fell on hard times. She was rehabbing baby animals and getting broken glass doors replaced. She was doing everything she could to bring light and happiness to everyone (and every animal) she could. And she was doing it all while being neglected. Doing it all for me while I was going out and disrespecting her and our commitment.” I know thats not what you're telling them, but thats the story id really like people to know. I want them to know that I cried myself to sleep every night that I would call you before bed, after not talking to you all day, and you “had nothing to say. I just worked all day. I'm tired. goodnight”. I would cry on the bathroom floor when you would come home after 3 months and never kiss me or hug me. just walk past me and ask “who's coming over tonight? lets cook!”. I would spend hours steaming floors and dusting fans and washing blankets and shampooing carpets and then I would shower and dress up and do my makeup and wear my best outfit down to the panties, and you would just come home, have people over, get sloppy drunk, and pass out, leaving me to host until everyone left, clean the mess that 10 drunk people and a bbq is bound to leave, then crawl into bed at 4 AM. Then I would get up at 6:30 to start the morning routine. Dogs out. Feed cats. Let dogs in and feed them. Feed the fish and the tortoise. Let the dogs out again. Switch the laundry, unload the dishwasher. You would just lay in bed all day. If you got up, it was probably 2 or 3 in the afternoon and you'd sit on the couch and watch tv while I did your laundry and whatever other things needed to be done that day. I would beg you to come with me for Tyson’s vet appointment, and of course you'd say no. I’d tell you my family was having a crawfish boil and you'd say you were too tired or “dont feel like being around people”. But thats not true, was it. You just didn't want to be around those people. You were always ready to go to bars and drink and ignore me. thats the people you like. the ones that don't know you and that assume you're single because you haven't touched me or kissed me or danced with me once all night. But oh... if Claire wants to dance or if a guy starts talking to Leah, you're on that shit. Cant let YOUR eye candy get taken by some guy at a bar. Yet I was forced to break a mans nose. I was forced to defend myself, because when he disrespected me, you where nowhere to be found. Probably watching some girl, too distracted to know that a man was trying to hurt me. But doing worry. I dealt with it. Im stronger than you think. I made it through all that. I made it through so many nights of hating myself and questioning what I did wrong and why I wasn't good enough. What I could do to be good enough for you. I didn't leave when you invited Linzy to sleep in your bed and stoped coming visit because she would be bored alone if you left. I didn't leave when your snapchat was all women that you would snap all day long and never save anything so I could never see it. I didn't leave when you fixated on the idea of Sadie showing her tits in new Orleans while I stood right in front of you. I also didn't leave when, that same night, you “jokingly” grabbed at her chest and when we went home, your phone “accidentally got left in the bathroom standing up in a strange place and took pictures of her in the shower”. I didn't leave. I stayed and I believed you because for a day or two after an incident you would love me again. you would kiss me and hug me and have sex with me. Then as soon as I believed you, it would stop and you'd go back to your fuck boy shit. You'd go back to “being so tired” that you couldn't call me before bed but you had time to talk to Claire and invite her to your hotel room. You couldn't be bothered to give me the attention I had been begging for, but you could find time to snapchat my sister and “dare her to flash you as a joke”. Or what about the time you “accidentally” sent her a snap of your dick in the shower?! I am so angry and so hurt. Honestly I don't even remember what the point of this post was. Its gone from having a purpose to the words jus falling out of my heart and into my keyboard. I know I made the right choice. I saw something earlier that said “Sometimes you have to break your heart to find your peace” and honestly that is what im doing. Im so hurt and so scared and I feel small and lost, but after typing all these things, I remember why I left you. I know these negative feelings will pass and my life will get back on track and ill be happy and I know that one day I will find a man that knows how to love. A man that knows how broken I am and the trauma that iv gone through and he just supports me and loves me the way I've always wanted. So im deleting facebook so that I am no longer hurt by all the lies you're spreading and all the women you're fucking. Im choosing to fix me. I am choosing to stand myself up and climb out of this rubble and keep moving forward. Im choosing to start putting myself back together so that when that man finds me, im ready to let him hold me. Also, sorry to anyone that gets stuck reading this. It is word vomit on a page and I apologize for my shit writing and rambling. I just kinda let myself type whatever came out. This is my life. this is me. Well. its at least the tip of the iceberg of the hot mess that is me. 

[ramblingguy54]

Lemme Let You All In On Something

Inspired by @beaglelover62‘s post about DuckTales helping (2017) those through rough times. I’ll leave the link here below for all to check out, if you haven’t come across this post yet.

https://beaglelover62.tumblr.com/post/187179198864/ive-been-inspired-by-a-few-shared-stories-as-of

Whatever Happened To Della Duck is a truly beautiful episode to be sure, showcasing a mother’s undying determination in getting back to her family, despite the harsh many factors stacked against this determined duck. It left a serious impact on me emotionally, easily ranking it high up on my list of favorite DuckTales (2017) episodes for introducing Della into the TV’s adaptation franchise with such phenomenal execution. However, what I especially praise about this episode is how inspiring it can be to others who suffer through very tough times. People need role models in fiction like this to look up to, naturally, as another way to better cope in their unfortunate situations in life.

That was basically how it helped me better cope in dealing with not only my depression, which I’ve had for the past several years or so, but it also gave me a new positive perspective when I tackled those awful anxiety tremors at the tail end of 2018. To give a better context to this, besides depression I’ve dealt with having an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) where I can’t relax if I see something that isn’t in order, like say cleaning anything particular for example. It’s hard for me to simply take it easy a great number of times because my mind is hollering saying, “Do this now! You can’t relax until it’s fixed! It has to be perfect!”. Not to mention when I’m analyzing stuff this OCD can cause me to keep re-thinking what I’ve already concluded on in terms of my opinions and it’s beyond freaking obnoxious. I’m no stranger to anxiety attacks either, as they happened quite a great amount in my childhood where I couldn’t control myself because I didn’t obviously understand what was going on internally at the time. Although I’ve had experience before with anxiety attacks, tremors on the other hand I wasn’t prepared to face at all in early December of last year. It was terrifying because I had no control of my mind going a million miles per hour, on top of my body already shaking furiously off and on. My heart felt like it was going to explode outta my chest, considering how insanely fast it was pumping. OCD + Anxiety = One hell of an awful time, being a huge factor in what caused me to have this nervous breakdown where I was consistently panicking. Thankfully, I soon got a medication prescribed which helped me recover from that awful state of mind and have been feeling much better by mid-January of this year ever since.

This story of mine ties back into the massive weight surrounding Della’s situation. She’s in such an highly anxiety inducing situation of having no family, friends, losing one of her legs in the ship crash, going through a Lord knows how awfully painful physical healing/rehabilitation process with her robotic leg, and the cherry on top of all this crap being without social contact toward any living thing. Della Duck suffered without any real social connections for 10 WHOLE YEARS straight. She only has her thoughts to keep herself company in this terrible predicament, which no doubt were looping furiously in Della’s mind all those days spent on rebuilding the Spear Of Selene. It’s honestly amazing Della was able to keep her sanity throughout those many passing hours in that cold painful solitude on the Moon. Many people would’ve been driven to the point of insanity of being alone for that long, but not Della Duck in all of her endearing charm. The thoughts of once again seeing Scrooge, Donald, and reuniting with her triplets was enough determination, of course, to fight back against that severity of her current issues. There’s a lot of symbolism I found here akin to OCD, like say with Della’s thoughts of regret for unintentionally leaving her kids on Earth never leaving her mind, no matter how hard she tried to tune that irrational voice of her’s out on focusing toward the bigger picture of getting back home to make up for all that lost time. Despite putting on a such a cheery headstrong attitude, it’s all of course a facade masking Della’s depression and compulsive thoughts deep down.

Della has a low self-esteem for making the decision to hop onto the Spear of Selene and getting torn away from everyone/everything she loved in life. Anytime I look back on this scene where Della drops the headstrong nature for a split second with tears running down her face, these words just write themselves showing Della’s real inner thoughts.

If I hadn’t made the decision to take that rocket, I could’ve been much happier and better off. I don’t deserve to even call myself a mother. I’m a terrible person for not being by my kids side when they were born and helping them grow up. Della, you’re such an idiot...

Regardless of all that self-hatred and doubt though, Della persevered against it because she knew there’s no sense in crying over spilled milk at this current point. Della knows she deserves to be happy and back at home with her family again, so continues working on rebuilding every piece of the rocket ship.

She put every fiber of her being, mind, and soul into learning the fundamentals of understanding how to properly create a rocket ship. All for the sake of one simple important thing...

Family.

Throughout every day of what seemed like a “solitary confinement” on the Moon Della never once let her mind falter from what she was doing it all for. Even though Della has low self-esteem, struggling with depression among this compulsive internal belittling of herself, she never allows that to break her iron will in accomplishing what needs to be done.

Granted, she sacrifices the key of her gold tooth in poetic fashion to help calm down a Moon Mite mother and her baby, but that is more than rewarded in return by the Moon Landers’ helping her rebuild the rocket once more. After all the years of hardship she had to endure alone, Della finally is able to set out back to Earth instead of just viewing it from afar. 

Not gonna lie, every time I look at this shot of Della breaking out into tears saying, “I’m coming boys! Mom is coming home!”, it always chokes me up. This is an individual who has been to put it bluntly, shit on by life hardcore for the past 10 years straight never being able to catch a break in getting home until now. Della, much like her twin bro Donald, has been dealt an awful unlucky hand with how much she had to endure on her own for so long, getting traumatized in certain emotional aspects from all that experience on the Moon.

You can damn well bet my emotions were overflowing, like a waterfall, when Nothing Can Stop Della Duck premiered back in the May bomb of episodes. I’m surprised by how quickly they brought Della into the fray because I genuinely believed they were going to hold off for awhile, until much later down the road, like say Season 3 or something. However, I’m beyond glad they didn’t because, besides shaking up the chemistry dynamic of the family by removing Donald temporarily, that hug was so amazing to behold on screen. It’s all kinds of wonderful.

Anytime I think back on that rough anxiety tremor stuff I dealt with, during 2018′s tail end into early January, Della’s story of her hard-headed never say die attitude against immeasurable odds is one all generations should take big notes on. This beautiful story made me feel less alone in my struggles with depression, OCD, and anxiety. Seeing Della never give up because her family was always there for her in spirit hit me in the heart real good. Much like how it was for me when my family, most notably my mother, who helped me through those anxiety tremors that hit me like a meteor. Also, knowing Della will still struggle with trying to be a better mother figure adds a real layer of humanity to the story, reminding people that just because you’ve gotten better doesn’t mean you’re outta those woods yet. Della’s story is a perfect representation on life overall because it’s okay to still have problems and not feel weighed down by them too. You’ll always have loved ones there to back you up when you’re feeling like dirt. I still struggle with anxiety, depression, and OCD every day, even though I’m not in that terrible state of mind anymore, but my family has always helped me through this when it counts.

So with all that said, please remember to think of this message when you’re feeling very down on your own self-worth.

If Della Duck can overcome not only her emotional insecurities, but the large void of space and solitude that came with it for a decade, then I should be able to handle my own baggage with this same attitude.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this story of an experience from my life and how DuckTales 2017′s story center around Della inspired a more positive outlook for me in the future. Feel free to share your own perspectives in the comments if you’re feeling up for it!

[luv-esabella]

It’s a Stupid Sweatshirt

Thank you @Lnc2 for creating the Silly Songs With Ladybug Challenge. I got the song “Sweatshirt” by Jacob Sartorius. And I know I’m a little late, but this fic was way longer than I expected.

***

“Really Nino? This was the best you can do?” Adrien mused when he received a package right when he stepped onto the school’s campus, although had a hunch on what it contained. Nino’s expression was a dead giveaway.

“Just open the package and put it on! I had to commission this online, but it was so worth it! I’m pretty sure the designer thinks I’m one of your obsessed fanboys, but whatever. Time to pay up dude!” the DJ laughed as Adrien tore through the package and looked at the design.

“It’s a stupid sweatshirt,” the model shot a glare at his friend, although he was a little amused at the design himself.

The front of the sweatshirt said “I’m Under Agreste” along with a picture of his face back when he had a particularly embarrassing underwear photoshoot. The picture was his best attempt at a smoldering gaze, although it wasn’t all that hard for him to pose for the camera. All he had to do was imagine that he was posing for Ladybug. Or rather Marinette.

Speaking of which, he looked up to see the designer was entering the school with Alya by her side. The ravenette was laughing, most likely at something her friend said before looking around the courtyard and spotting him. Immediately she turned a bright red and looked away super fast.

Adrien sighed as the girls continued on as they were. It’s not his fault that the reveal has been particularly embarrassing. Mostly on his part. Which was why it took him so long to actually talk to her about it. However, it was his fault that there was a semi-awkward rift between them now. This was what he gets for waiting so long to confront her.

“Dude! There’s more!” Nino interrupted his thoughts, “Turn to the back.”

If Adrien thought the front was bad, the back definitely took the cake. In big loopy letters read “Guess things got too Agreste-ive”, along with a few lipstick imprints scattered randomly on the fabric. It wasn’t hard for anyone to guess what the sweatshirt was implying.

“Does it have to be a week?” Adrien squeaked out as he turned the shade of Ladybug’s suit.

Nino laughed, although it sounded like a sinister crackle to his ears.

“This is what happens when you lose a bet! Time to follow through with it,” the DJ grinned.

The model grumbled before slipping the sweatshirt on. He already had a feeling that this was going to be a long week. Luckily he only had to wear the sweatshirt within the school campus. His father would throw a fit if he actually saw him wear anything remotely hideous in front of the public.

They both waited for the bell to ring before heading to class. And just as they got to their homeroom, Adrien got the reaction that he was expecting. All eyes turned to him and Nino’s “gift”. Immediately the whole class was in an uproar. Scratch that. The attention he was getting now was a thousand times worse.

“Dang Agreste. Trying to tell us what happened last night or something?” Alya smirked with a wriggle of her eyebrows.

Nino laughed as he greeted his girlfriend.

“This is his payment for losing that bet two weeks ago.”

Alya smiled in delight. “My, my Lahiffe. I see you’ve been picking up on some of my teachings. I can’t believe that he’s wearing this for a whole day!”

Ha, He wish it was only for a day. Not that Alya needed to know. Unfortunately, Nino had no mercy. And just like he suspected, his friend told the reporter all she needed to know.

“This is quite impressive,” the brunette mused, “Good luck trying to escape all your fans.”

Adrien grumbled. No need to remind him when he already got a ton of reactions from them this morning.

After a while of more teasing from his friends, they decided to spare him. The rest of the class period was uneventful. However, he did hear the offhand comment coming from Chloé or a stray remark from Alix.

When lunch came around, Adrien underestimated the attention that was coming his way.

“Agreste obviously wants more attention from his lady fans. As if he didn’t have it already, let the other guys have a turn!”

“Isn’t Adrien’s sweatshirt hot? I definitely need to buy one for myself!”

“I wonder if he wants that sweatshirt to apply to me.” He heard snickers from that particular group of girls.

“Whatever. He’s probably wearing it to show off to his girlfriend.”

The last comment made Adrien blush as he and Nino headed towards their usual lunch spot. It’s not like he never thought of it before after all Chat Noir tried showing off to Ladybug countless times before. But how would Marinette act if he tried showing off as Adrien?

In fact, the whole day the designer was rather quiet about the whole sweatshirt ordeal. Her opinions never surfaced once.

“Hey guys! Sorry we’re late,” Alya smiled as she and Marinette joined the group.

The ravenette shot a glance at him, before looking down at his sweatshirt and looking back up at his face. The model smirked. Just as he was about to ask her opinion on his fashion choice, Alya decided to cut in.

“Have you guys seen the new Ladynoir content on my blog?”

Marinette looked smug as she settled into the new topic. She may have never shown interest in Ladynoir content before, but it beats Adrien’s to-be interrogation. Meanwhile, Adrien was sulking in his seat. And since it looks like he can’t talk to her alone, it looks like the only time available would be on patrol, which is, unfortunately, two days away.

Doesn’t matter though. His lady may think she could escape him, but she has never been more wrong. All he needed to do was wait a little longer.

***

The rest of the day, and the two days after that was nothing but hilarious torture for Adrien. Seriously, he was pretty sure he saw one of his fans have a close replica of his current sweatshirt. It was hilariously creepy, and Nino couldn’t help but agree.

However, when the two friends enter the classroom for the final lesson of the day, it seems like they were interrupting a certain conversation. One involving Adrien and his sweatshirt.

“Seriously. Whatcha think Mari? Hot or not?”

“It’s just a stupid sweatshirt Alya. If he and Nino want to be ridiculous then that’s fine. A lot of people wear these things without others fussing over it.”

“But it’s the Adrien Agreste! Obviously, people are going to fuss over it!”

“That doesn’t mean that I have to Alya.”

The redhead huffed before countering her best friend. “You never answered my question Mars. Although, if I didn’t know you any better, I’m pretty sure you think sunshine model was pretty hot.”

Alya smirked mischievously as the ravenette turned bright red before composing herself instantaneously.

Marinette rolled her eyes. “It’s not like it’s a super big deal or anything.”

The group caught on to her mistake before the ravenette could do so herself.

“Not a big deal huh,” the brunette smirked evilly.

Marinette rolled her eyes again as she took out her sketchbook, not interested in further conversation, “Yep. Not a big deal Als.”

“I bet you wouldn’t make it a day in Mr. Model’s shoes. How about I offer you a deal.”

Whatever the dare was going to be, Adrien already knew that his lady was going to go through with it. Ladybug was super competitive and never backed down from a challenge before. Why was this time any different?

Unfortunately for the model, he couldn’t hear what the dare was since the girls spotted them and decided to keep their deal a secret. Patrol was tonight anyways. He’ll get all the answers he needed by then.

*** “Alya won the bet, so you’re safe for the rest of the week. Your welcome.”

Adrien pulled the phone away from his face as he stared at the screen, not that Nino could see his expression.

“What does that have to do with anything?” The model finally voiced. Maybe he missed something the DJ said earlier that day. Or maybe his friend just didn’t mention anything at all. It wouldn’t be the first time. It seems like his friend kept a lot of little things a secret.

He heard some shuffling across the screen before a new voice spoke up.

“Doesn’t matter,” Alya grumbled before perking up a second later. “Can I borrow your sweatshirt the rest of the week though?”

Before Adrien could reply, the reporter was already speaking again, “Thanks! Bye!”

The model didn’t even bother to speak since he heard more shuffling across the phone.

“Marinette lost her side of the bet. You’re off the hook for now,” Nino voiced, not bothering to explain things anymore.

Well thanks Nino. As if that’s going to tell me anything, the model thought.

“Meaning?”

“That means that she’s going to be wearing your sweatshirt. The stupid gag gift? I thought that you’d be more excited but-”

Adrien stopped listening after that.

All he could think about now was Marinette. In his sweatshirt. Marinette was going to be in his sweatshirt! Oh god! His lady was going to wearing something he wore! God, he was so happy!

He was brought back to earth when Plagg started growling and flew across the room to his precious Camembert stack. He mumbled something about stupid love-struck teens before indulging in his snack.

“I gotta go Nino. See you tomorrow ok?”

“But dude!”

The model hung up. He looked at the clock and realized it was time for patrol. Perfect. He smirked as he called upon his transformation. Won’t his lady be happy about what he’d learned...

***

“I think that’s about it, don’t you think Chat?” Ladybug smiled as they finished their rounds for the night. She walked along the beams of the Eiffel Tower before sitting down.

She looked at the view of Paris sparkling in the moonlight. Sleepless nights were worth it if she could see her city like this almost every night.

She turned her attention towards her partner, who was oddly silent for most of the patrol. However, action spoke louder than words. Earlier when they did happen to speak, his eyes would always gaze into hers. And although he never specifically expressed his emotions, his eyes would always spark a question. Kinda curious, but also a bit mischievous. Like he knew something she didn’t, but he wanted her to tell him that certain something anyways.

“Is there something you want to tell me?” Ladybug asked as her partner’s attention turned to face her.

He came closer to where she was. He leaned into her personal space bubble for a moment, before quickly retreating.

“What do you think LB?”

Ladybug rolled her eyes, “I’m not a mind reader chaton.”

“Really now?”

Chat Noir smirked, “So you wouldn’t happen to know anything about losing a certain bet then. Or having to wear a certain sweatshirt tomorrow?”

He took great pleasure in watching his lady’s face match the color of her suit.

“N-nope! N-not at all!” The heroine all but squeaked out.

Curse Alya and her bait and tricks. But now Chat was acting all smug too? The next two days were going to be the death of her.

“I can’t wait to see you in something I wore. Covered in my scent,” she saw Chat glance at her lips before looking up.

“Y-yeah?” She shuttered. Damn it! Now was not the time to portray any of the emotions she currently felt.

His voice dropped an octave as he scooted closer, “You’ll be marked in something that’s mine. I hope you’re ready for tomorrow m’lady. Cause I don’t intend to leave you alone.”

“How about you don’t?” It was already going to be torturous enough just to wear that darn sweatshirt. Adrien hanging around all day? She couldn’t take that.

“Nice to know that my presence affects you so much bugaboo.”

Chat hasn’t used these nicknames in a while. The reveal seemed to affect Adrien and Marinette the most, but for the most part, Ladybug and Chat Noir’s partnership remained the same. Except for the affectionate nicknames.

She wasn’t going to tell Chat that she missed them, but did he seriously have to bring them up now? It was hard enough trying to keep her cool.

“It doesn’t.” She pulled out her yo-yo and got ready to leave when Chat Noir caught her wrist.

“How about a purrposal?”

He watched as she turned to face him.

Hook.

“And that is?”

Line

“I could get Alya to call off the bet tomorrow. I know one of her dirty little secrets.”

Sinker

She put her yo-yo away before examining his face.

“You want something out of this. Don’t think that I don’t know how this works kitty.”

Chat didn’t answer. “How about another dare, bug?”

That was about the last thing she wanted right now, but if she could get Alya’s dare off her back? She’ll take it.

“What do you have in mind?”

Chat stood up slowly, looking at the direction of her house.

“I’ll race you to your balcony. Winner can claim anything they want from the loser.”

Ladybug studied her partner for a moment as she went over the consequences in her head. What could Adrien possibly want from her? Considering where they’re racing to, the odds of her winning were pretty high.

“Deal. Although, it’s pretty much a lost cause in your case. Seriously Chat? My own balcony?”

He was about to reply before she gave him a quick peck on the cheek, which was enough to stun him for a good few seconds and make him forget about what he was going to say.

She gave him a wink before jumping off the Eiffel Tower, “Go!”

He heard her laugh as she got her head start. Cheater.

He got started on his own path with the thought of a dare in mind. After all, his lady didn’t need to know that he found a fast route to her balcony when he was on a solo patrol one night. Nor did she need to know why he took solo patrols at all.

He pushed all thoughts out of his mind as he propelled himself through the air. Right now, he had a race to win.

***

“You couldn’t have won! I swear you cheated!”

It was pretty amusing seeing Ladybug all worked up. She’s been saying things like this for the last few minutes, trying to see how she could’ve possibly lost. It was pretty cute.

“You technically had a head start m’lady. If anything, you’re the cheater here.”

“I was winning! I saw my empty balcony Chat! You weren’t even in my line of sight!” She tried thinking of all the possible routes in mind. She knew the way to her house best! She should’ve came here first.

“I still won bugaboo. Or did you forget about what the winner gets?”

She rolled her eyes. “Sure Chat. Let’s just get this over with.”

She honestly should’ve learned from losing a dare the first time.

Chat smirked. “If you can keep your cool throughout the next two days, then the dare tonight is off. I won’t be able to claim my prize or anything.”

Ladybug eyed Chat. “You can’t do a dare inside a dare!”

“Well it’s not like I’m asking for a double prize or anything! Besides, the odds are more in your favor right now.”

His behavior was pretty suspicious right now. “That’s because you’re allowing the odds in my favor!” Whatever he was planning, she was onto him.

Chat Noir opened his mouth, before closing it again. This argument was going nowhere.

“Do you want to do it or not?” he finally asked.

Well, she had nothing to lose. And like she said earlier, what could he possibly want from her?

“Why not?”

Her partner grinned before planting a kiss on her cheek, similar to what she did earlier that night.

“Purrfect! See you tomorrow LB!” She watched as he disappeared from her balcony, staring after his form as he made his way home. When she finally snapped out of her stupor, she detransformed and headed inside. Stupid cat.

***

She came to school wearing her usual clothing of choice, not expecting much from the day. However, when she got to the front steps of her school, there her friends were, huddled in a circle with the smuggest expressions on their faces. Oh boy.

She snuck into the school, hoping that her friends wouldn’t notice. She finally allowed herself to take a breath of relief, once she made it into the locker area.

“Going somewhere, m’lady?”

She jumped in surprise before turning around and glaring at the blonde model.

“A little warning would be nice,” she grumbled. Honestly, this whole week has been exhausting. This shouldn’t have been a surprise.

Adrien let a small chuckle before giving her a small bag.

“The sweatshirt’s in there.”

Still glaring at her friend, she snatched the bag out of his hands and went to the bathroom to change. Luckily, it was empty. No need to die of embarrassment just yet.

She stepped out of the stall when she was done and looked at herself in one of the mirrors. It looked slightly big on her, with the sleeves being a tad too long, but it was pretty cozy. She took a sniff of the sweatshirt and realized that Adrien was right, she was going to be marked in his scent. She turned red at that thought but forced herself to calm down. She would not give him the satisfaction of seeing her embarrassed and flustered. With that in mind, she got out of the bathroom only to bump into Mr. Model himself.

“Seriously? You couldn’t wait until class?”

She looked up at his face only to notice his beet red expression.

Meanwhile, Adrien was trying his best not to have a mental breakdown. Welp. Too late for that. He could already tell he was blushing furiously. And judging from his lady’s smirk, he knew he looked exactly like the love-struck teen he knew he was. And who could blame him? Marinette looked adorable.

“Maybe it’s you who needs to learn how to keep his cool,” she taunted him. That’s right. Adrien knew the effect he had on her, but she nearly forgot that she could easily turn the tables around.

“Let’s get to class minou.”

He grumbled but followed her anyways.

***

Who knew that a sweatshirt could be such a big deal? Everyone but Marinette, that’s who.

If she thought that Adrien’s grand entrance on Monday was a big deal, it couldn’t compare to how the class reacted when they saw her.

Let’s just say Chloe was furious, Rose was ever the romantic, and the rest of the class was wondering what took so long for them to get together. Except that’s the problem. They weren’t.

“Girl, if it only took a ridiculous sweatshirt to get you guys together, I would’ve done that a long time ago,” Alya grinned as Marinette took her seat.

The ravenette let out a sigh. She wishes they were together, but due to strict “I don’t know where we stand” circumstances, they can’t.

“Alya, you know I would’ve told you if this was actually true, but the sad reality is that it’s not.”

The redhead studied the designer for a moment before nodding. “He’ll open up his eyes eventually, don’t worry. And guess what? If he’s too blind to realize what’s in front of him, I’ll date you myself.”

Marinette giggled at her friend’s tactics, “I’m not sure if Nino would appreciate that, but sure.”

“Well screw Nino! Why date him when I could date my best friend?”

A laugh escaped Marinette before she glanced at her friend. A look of understanding passed between the two girls. “Thanks Alya, I needed that.”

***

Unsurprisingly, Adrien used every excuse to hang at Mari’s hip for the rest of the school day.

There were mixed reactions, but the majority of them were good. Surprisingly, a lot of the guys actually congratulated Adrien, which was a compliment in itself. And there were a couple of girls like Rose that were super sweet and wished them the best. But once his fans started realizing that she was indeed wearing Adrien’s sweatshirt™, that’s when shit started going down.

“Since when was Marinette dating the Adrien Agreste?”

“Apparently, rumor has it that they’ve been dating for a while, but they’ve only started going public today.”

“I heard that she’s just using him for better connections with his father.”

“Actually, she’s just blackmailing him to stay with her, otherwise he would’ve totally ditched her a long time ago.”

And sure, some of the remarks hurt, but she was tougher than dumb rumors. A couple of times out of the corner of her eyes, she saw Adrien give some of them a glare, which shut them up immediately. But as much as Marinette would’ve liked to do something herself, she couldn’t. She still had a dare to keep up, unlike Adrien.

“You ok m’lady?” he asked when they reached her house. He insisted that he’d walk her there, which was sweet and all, but rather unnecessary.

“It’s fine. Your fans aren’t as intimidating as me you know.”

Adrien grinned, “Don’t I know it.”

The front bakery door opened, grabbing their attention as Sabine stepped out.

“Marinette, you should’ve told us that you were going to bring a visitor!” The mother looked between the two teens when she finally noticed the sweatshirt Marinette was wearing.

“I was just about to go, Mrs. Cheng. I was just walking Marinette home,” Adrien flashed a polite smile.

Sabine nodded, “Always the gentlemen I see. It’s great to see you and my daughter finally together!”

Marinette shot her a look before glancing back at Adrien, who did absolutely nothing to correct her mother.

“It’s always great whenever I see her! And as much as I would like to stay and chat, I gotta go to a photoshoot right afterward.”

Sabine smiled before handing him a bag, “Drop by whenever you like. And here’s that special order you requested.” She winked before sending Adrien on his way.

He grinned and waved goodbye as he made his way back to school, where his driver was waiting to pick him up.

The exchange between her mother and her partner seemed a little strange, but Marinette thought nothing of it. She had some homework to do anyway.

She started up the stairs when her mother called out to her, “It’s so nice of your boyfriend to give you such a nice sweatshirt sweetie!”

“Maman!”

***

Marinette was going to freak out over her surprise, Adrien just knew it. The special order that Sabine gave him was perfect! He could see where Marinette got her creative talents from.

“Kid, you’re going to give her a panic attack. You sure you want to go through with this?” Plagg asked his chosen as he got ready for the day.

“Let’s see her try winning the bet with this!” he tucked the surprise into his bag. No need for his father to ruin his fun.

Plagg rolled his eyes. “Good luck pigtails.”

If all went well, these two dorky idiots would be dating by the end of the day.

***

Marinette couldn’t believe her eyes.

“Alya kill me!” The day was already starting off and the ravenette already wanted to be put out of her misery!

If Marinette thought she was going to last through the whole week, she was sadly mistaken. Because there he was, Adrien in all of his stupid, utterly ridiculous sweatshirt glory!

“If found please return me to Marinette Dupain-Cheng” was written in bold letters, along with a pretty embarrassing photo from her cousin’s wedding about 5 months ago. Marinette made her mother swore to never let that photo see the light of day but guess what? She obviously had to betray her and engrave it on a sweatshirt worn by the number one model in all of Paris! Definitely getting good parenting points for that mom!

Alya followed her best friend’s gaze and bit her lip before giving in and laughing hysterically, much to the ravenette’s horror!

Oh she should’ve known that her chaton was going to be up to no good! Her mother was in so much trouble! She should’ve interrogated that “special order” Adrien received yesterday, but did she stick to her gut? No she didn’t!

“Adrien Agreste!” she stormed to where he was at, calmly chatting with Nino as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

He smirked as he took in his lady’s expression. Her face was red with her signature Ladybug scowl, yet she was utterly adorable.

“Yes princess?”

She pretty much lost it.

(If you asked her later, she was going to blame everything on that stupid sweatshirt and Adrien Agreste’s smug face. Not that anyone actually believed her.)

When she was done with her rant, Marinette knew she made a mistake. Stupid cat made her lose her cool on purpose!

“Ugh, come with me!” the ravenette huffed.

Adrien didn’t protest as he was dragged by the arm into a secluded area.

“You’re matching me!”

Obviously. That was his plan.

“Don’t like the look m’lady?”

She wasn’t going to admit that she did, otherwise it’ll feed his ego. So instead, she decided to avoid the question altogether, “I was going to win! But you cheated!”

“All’s fair in love and war. I just happened to know your greatest weakness.”

“And what’s that?”

He took a step closer and he took delight in watching her face blush. He let out a small chuckled. He was never going to get tired of that.

“Me.”

Marinette felt her breath hitch a bit. “So... what’s your prize?”

“A date.”

She felt him reach for her fingers and intertwined his with hers.

“If you haven’t noticed yet, I’m still very much in love with you, Marinette. And hopefully you’ll do me the honors of saying yes?”

He lifted her knuckles and gave a feather-light kiss, before letting go. When he gazed at her through his eyelashes, she saw the hope and adoration that he felt for her, and wondered how she was this lucky to have such an amazing partner.

“You make it sound as if your actually proposing instead of asking me on one measly date,” she smiled.

“Well, a gorgeous charming girl deserves the best. And I was hoping this would last more than just one measly date. Wouldn’t you agree?”

His grin was breathtaking, and she felt herself fall just a little deeper.

“Pick me up at eight tomorrow?”

She reached for his hand as they started walking to class.

“It’s a date, m’lady.”