#i probably sound so fucking paranoid honestly - i know my therapist thought i did

[thatdemiboymess]

Me, violently shaking with repressed emotions: I Want To Disappear Off The Map And Start A New Life From Scratch.

[wu-sisyphus-gang]

Motion Sickness Chapter 70

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"So they're letting you out?" Ruby asked.

"Well I've been in out-patient care and I got out of in-patient care." I shrugged. They were giving me my weapon back with a hefty fine and time-served. I guess they were desperate for reformed huntsmen on the right side of the law.

And my psychiatrist had eagerly pressed me through as truly reformed. I'd had to sit in front of a judge for my sentencing but my psychiatrist had explained who I was and the extenuating circumstances I had been through. A mind control semblance was the declassified word.

Horrifying.

"That's it then? You're free?" Ruby wondered.

"All horizons," I told her.

"Atlas law requires you to see a therapist for nine weeks minimum," Weiss cut in on my other side. "For the PTSD related issues."

"This fucking continent." I clenched a fist.

"It's for your own good. Better to not fight it and come out of it with something." Weiss said.

"I can't believe you're getting off so easily," Blake muttered.

"Hey did you get a deal like this once?" I asked. "And you weren't even mind controlled."

She looked away and said nothing. Truly reformed huntsmen were hard to come by and it was easier to snatch them up where they appeared. My psychiatrist, therapist, and neurologist all greenlit me.

"Speaking of, how are those meds they have you on treating you?" Weiss asked.

"They're sedating. But I'm managing. The ones they had me on before this batch gave me terrible nightmares."

"Is that how it works?" Weiss wondered.

"It's not an exact science. There's some guessing involved to find some that work for you."

"And these ones work for you?" Yang asked.

I waggled a hand. "I miss THC and CBD but this seems like a close second."

"The doctors said that those were both exacerbating your symptoms," Weiss wedged in.

"Those doctors have never had an alien goddess in their mind." I was met with a loud silence. They weren't sure what to say when I said something like that. No one was. Because no one knew what I was going through besides my sisters wherever they are. I paced forward. "So this is Atlas Academy?"

"We'll have to talk to the General about getting you a room," Ruby muttered.

"Oh I'm sure he'll be happy to see you." Yang rolled her eyes. "I mean, no offense."

"Yeah well I have to serve my time somehow. Military service is probably it for somebody like me. With my particular set of skills."

"But will he trust you?" Weiss asked.

"Better question. Should I be trusted or will I sell you all out to Salem again?" I asked.

"You didn't sell us out. You brought us the relic," Ruby said.

"I… I killed Ren and Nora, Ruby." I couldn't believe her. She still believed in me.  

"That wasn't you," she denied. Maybe she even believed it. I couldn't be sure with Ruby. Well I could. She was just hard to look at because of it.

"It wasn't not me. I have a lot to atone for, and I might do it again."

"You broke her control over you once," Weiss reminded me. She led the way through grey halls up to the headmaster's office.

"I keep telling everyone I have no idea how I did that though."

"You're not exactly selling me on this. On you," Blake informed me.

"Not really trying to. I'm trying to remind you how dangerous I really am. How much of a liability I could be. It's important."

"Cloud, how does this whole time served thing work?" Yang asked.

"That's a little up to Ironwood. He could send me anywhere but he sort of has to accept me somewhere. That's what the judge ruled. He's not a dictator. Not yet at any rate."

"It'll probably be better if you don't talk to him like that," Weiss said. "He won't appreciate it."

"You're probably right." I sighed. We took a grey elevator up to his office. It provided a scenic look out over the tundra and parts of Mantle.

Neo was out there somewhere. I contacted her and let her know I was watching for Cinder from this side and promised to let her know if anything was going down. I was sure she was managing just fine without me though. I was on the inside now. I could watch for Cinder better from here. I'd just have to trust that Neo would show up when it was opportune. I just hoped she wouldn't think I was abandoning her or the cause. Because I wasn't. I was still in camp ‘murder Cinder’ and she was a big girl, she could look after herself if only for as long as this charade lasted. It couldn't go on forever. Eventually I'd slip up and something Salem related would happen.

I also let her know I was getting some serious psychological help for the psychosis. She seemed neutral about that, though. Maybe she thought I was doing just fine. I hadn't been but I was glad she thought that.

Ironwood wasn't in when we arrived. That left us waiting outside for a bit. You couldn't really expect him to be in at all times.

Winter Schnee was there though. She gave me an icy glare and I just smiled back at her wolfishly.

"Oh, it's you," she said.

"Right back at you. How's the throat?"

"Just fine, thank you. You won't surprise me again."

"I don't need surprise to beat you," I told her. "You're fragile. Like glass. I was worried about breaking you. On accident. And don't think that becoming a maiden will bail you out. I almost killed Cinder and I was weaker then by a country mile."

"Weiss, you told him?" She looked shocked.

"He already knew. All about the bunker and what was in it." Weiss responded calmly.

"Neo and I did some digging in that department," I said.

"Ah yes, your criminal partner. Any idea where she is right now?" Winter asked.

"I have no idea." I told her honestly. "I have had no contact with her since my voluntary imprisonment," I then lied. I mixed the truth with lies.

"I see. Well should you remember anything Atlas would consider that necessary information."

"Yeah, yeah."

"I ought to teach you respect."

"Many have tried. Like my Mother. "

Her eyes gleamed, spotting weakness. "You meant Salem, I am sure."

"I did…" I trailed weakly.

"Winter, that's enough. Leave him be. Family is complicated and he didn't ask to be born to that monster. You and I should have some empathy for that," Weiss said.

Winter sighed down at Weiss. "Weiss…"

The general walked in and spotted us. He noticed Jaune armed with his weapon.

"They gave you your weapon back, so soon?" Ironwood asked.

"A week and half isn't that soon," I muttered. "I'm here for my assignment."

"I see. And team RWBY is…"

"Moral support," I granted.

"Have a seat Mr. Arc."

"It's Strife now."

"You changed your name, then."

"Arc was a fake name anyway. It was the name my parents gave me." I took a seat. There was a lot to unpack in that sentence I just said. Most people were given their names by their parents. Most people just didn't hate their parents like I did.

"I can respect that. Ozpin has recommended an assignment close by for you. I'm less convinced."

"He did? Why?" I asked.

"He wants to see if you are capable of his and Salem's kind of magic. He wants to train you if that is that case."

"Oh," I hadn't thought of that. "Well I did give his current body some training. Maybe he just wants to pay it forward."

"Perhaps. And he's done a great deal to protest your innocence. You should be grateful to him."

"Then I am."

"I have decided you will work out of this Academy. For the time being at least."

"You want me where you can keep an eye on me," I deduced.

"Things will go smoother if you have more trust in me than that. I am sure your therapists will have been trying to work through your paranoid thinking with you. Not everyone is trying to watch you, Mr. Strife." He steepled his fingers.

"But I'm pretty sure you are." Weiss elbowed me fairly hard in the side. "Regardless of your reasons for doing it I am grateful."

"I was hoping we could talk more about how you were made. You explored Merlot's laboratory and might have insights for me," he probed.

"I actually explored two different labs. I ran into someone in the second, near here in Solitas. Near a place called Nibelheim. He was a man with a mustache and a navy suit with yellow trimmings. He had green eyes and dark hair. I didn't see his weapon, though. He never used it. He said he was the one who made my sisters before he tried to use the laboratory…” I struggled for the word. “Defenses? To try and kill me."

"I see. But you found no more information on you or your sisters there?" He asked.

"No. Just more of my father's usual experiments on the Grimm. Something to do with turning them blue. I'm really not sure. The lab in Anima was like that too except he was turning them green and there were humanoid Grimm that he had designed. They were loose and in tanks in the facility. Tanks not dissimilar to the one he grew me in."

I felt a hand on my shoulder. Weiss's comforting aura drew in beside mine. She tasted like whipped cream and clear crisp crushed ice.

"And he grew you in one of these… 'tanks?'" Ironwood asked.

"An incubator of some sort, I'm sure. But to me they were just these sort of pods. Merlot's book has more notes on the one he used for me. It was a bit different than the others. He grew me from a fetus until I was nearly an adult in just a year," I said.

"That would make you young. Like Penny Polendina." His brow went up at me.

"Yeah. Something like that. I'm between three and four years old. I don't have an exact date for my birthday either. Don't remember if they ever gave me one or if it really matters considering I didn't have a birth," I informed him. "Anything else you'd like to know?"

“A great deal. About your origins. How you came to Beacon. Whether you have any insights into Salem’s weaknesses.”

“I don’t really know. And I’ll remind you that I am just a failure, after all." I wasn't really meant to last. I was just a prototype.

"Cloud..." Ruby whined behind me. The noise she made sounded like she was sad for a dog. It wasn't a good sound.

I ignored her. "I don’t really know how I came to attend Beacon. I don’t have any insights into Salem’s weaknesses. From my perspective she seems pretty unstoppable."

"It's impossible to say." Ironwood returned. "But if we should come up with a way to divorce you from her we will let you know."

"Thank you for telling me," I said.

"Of course. Now, let's see what you can do Mr. Strife."

"Finally, something I'm good at."

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I glid through the training chamber at one of the Ace Ops members. I hadn't learned their names but he had a boomerang rifle and he was a dog faunus.

I caught up to him and swung twice horizontally in two enormous strikes that buffeted him around when he tried to block.

He jumped back and tried to fire at me but my profile was low as I came at him in an unrelenting fashion. I palmed a dust crystal and hit him with a lightning bolt that knocked him to his knees.

I came at him with a diagonal cut when another Ace Operative grabbed me with extensions of his aura. He tried to stop me in place but I jumped and twirled and cut at his golden aura. I severed the extended hands and the removed parts dissolved into fading golden light.

I front-flipped, moving on to the new target. I landed up on some of the glowing cubes in the training room. He reformed his hands and tried to beat me but I just sliced through. I flew at him with both hands on my broadsword.

My sixth sense called out to me and I flicked my sword up to block the boomerang rifle. It rebounded back to its user and he opened fire on me as I went after the wacky inflatable arm guy.

I closed the gap on the pillar he stood on and slashed through his aura arms that got in my way. I kicked him off the pillar and brought my sword down on his head.  I cleaved deep into his aura and still I chased him as I blew him to the ground level with a massive overhead attack.

He had a lot of aura. He might be the only person I'd ever met in my own percentile of aura. He might even have more than me.

I chased him as he fell from when I slammed him and I beat him to the ground. I Cross Slashed him before he hit the ground. The devastating combination caught him up. The five move slashing attack tore away at his golden aura.

My Limit Break activated.

The dog faunus came around a corner and opened fire on me. I switched opponents again as I flew at him. I held my weapon between us and blocked most of his bullets. The few that got through pinged off my aura. I slashed upwards at him and he rolled to the side with a yelp.

I just stepped up on him again and swung upwards once more. Once he was airborn I had him right where I wanted him. I juggled him once. Then twice. Then again. He couldn't escape from the aerials I swung up at him.

I jumped up to match his height and Octa Slashed him with my Limit Break. He flew towards the ground and slammed into a pile of the boxes.

His light blue aura flowed to place over him before it vanished. I flew down on him in a swooping fashion and tackled him and carried him all the way to a wall of the arena. I stabbed my sword into the ground and beat the aura out of him with my fists. I punched him in the jaw. Then the stomach. Then I picked him up and slammed him into the ground.

Golden arms wrapped around me and picked me up and threw me across the room. I slammed into a pile of boxes back first. My head rocked back against the boxes. I stood up and put my sword against my shoulder.

The wacky arm guy landed next to the dog faunus and helped him to his feet. They turned to stare at me. I stared right back.

A golden arm slithered towards me across the ground and snagged my leg. It picked me up and slammed me face first into the ground. Then it rotated me and slammed me into the ground the other way.

Then it held me in the air and I got rocked by a boomerang to the face.

I snarled and cut myself free.

I landed on a pocket of air and descended towards the ground. I flew at the two of them through machine gun fire. An arm slashed at my side and I grunted but I cut through the next one and kept flying.

I landed between them and just to flex I charged my semblance to full. Then I swept my sword through the dog faunus's aura. He went down in a light blue crackle. He was lucky I hadn't hurt him for real.

I came at the next guy with a front-flip. I brought my sword down on him and he blocked with his aura. Even still my sword bit deep. I kicked him in the middle of the chest and he stumbled back a step. Then I flew at him with a knee and caught him in the face.

A golden claw slashed me to the ground but I never hit. Instead I floated on a pocket of air and rotated in place. I swept my blade around me and forced him back a half step.

The dog faunus stood up. "Marrow, don't!"

'Marrow' opened fire right into my back.

I whipped around and glared at him. I snarled. I hit him in the head with the blunt side of my weapon and he crumpled like a sack of bricks with a large bruise forming on the side of his head.

"Do you want to call this here?" I asked the one still standing. "Or do I have to beat you into unconsciousness, too?"

"I'll surrender. You fought well." The remaining man said sibilantly.

I nodded and put my weapon in the harness on my back. I hope there was more to Ace Ops than this.

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-WG

[insanelycooljk]

IF UR STILL DOIN THESE can i ask about your roleswap au? oR the evan is a compulsive liar one, whichever! @bandtrees

send me the title of one of my deh wips and I’ll share an excerpt/tell you a bit about it  

(you can read my reply about the “maybe evan really IS a compulsive liar” one here)

Oh boy the roleswap au... honestly this is an idea I’ve had for a really long time that I kind of forgot about, but then Kayla’s jared dies! au inspired me to revisit it. In a suprise to absolutely no one lmao, there’s a whole lot of angst. Like, I’d kind of forgotten what the plot was, and when I went back and read over my notes for it the other day I made MYSELF cry. So uhhh, yeah, this one’s gonna hurt

The concept is very simple, and I’m sure has been done before, but basically Evan and Connor (and Jared and Zoe to an extent) swap roles. So Evan dies, and Connor writes a therapy letter which gets mistaken for Evan’s suicide note. On that, obviously trigger warning for suicide.

Alright so this wip still needs a lot of work because I’m still trying to narrow it down to a single cohesive plot and figure out how to keep it in character (for instance I just can’t see Connor forming the equivalent of The Connor Project and dragging out the lie to that extent) But, here’s what I’ve got at the moment!

The first day of school is almost identical to canon, so I won’t get into that, but Evan still had his attempt over the summer and hence has his broken arm. I mean yeah, maybe Evan’s dialogue is a little different because he’s struggling more with his depression, but I don’t see his second attempt as necessarily being planned. It’s more of an impromptu “finish what I started” decision he makes after having an awful first day back at school

The only real change from canon at this point is the letter. It’s a therapy assignment for Connor rather than Evan.

The scene where Evan prints his letter and Connor signs his cast is essentially the same as canon too, except obviously Connor is the one writing the letter. Evan is just in the library to print out some homework or something for school.

After they talk/Connor signs his cast, Evan goes over to the printer to grab his own thing, and sees the page underneath has “Dear Connor Murphy” written at the top. Evan assumes it’s Connor’s, so in an attempt to be nice, grabs it as well.

Aaaaand here’s where the angst really starts. Originally I was going to do a whole kleinphy thing by fully switching Zoe and Jared. But then I had an excellent (aka horrible) idea.

So Connor’s finished letter still follows the same format of Evan’s as [today was NOT an amazing day] [talking about Zoe/Jared] [sad shit].

Except here’s the thing. The morning was essentially the same as canon, which means Jared still made the awful school shooter joke. So sure, Connor mentions Jared in his letter, but he’s got nothing nice to say. As he’s venting about how today wasn’t an amazing day, he writes a few lines about how Jared is a fucking asshole and he can’t believe he ever thought that they could actually be friends.

... Yeah. I’m sure you can already guess how that is going to turn out :(

But the angst doesn’t stop there. Evan clearly isn’t going to see Jared’s name in Connor’s letter and freak out because he thinks Connor has a crush on him. That just... makes zero sense lmao. But you know what Evan might think when he sees Jared’s name? Especially after Jared was a dick to Evan at the start of the day?

That they’re making fun of him.

“D-did Jared put you up to this?”

“… What?”

“He… you’re making fun of me. Both of you.”

Connor can see Evan’s spiralling into some sort of panic attack, knows he probably shouldn’t push but he’s got no clue what the fuck Evan is talking about.

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“That’s why you came to apologise and-, and why you signed my cast, you two are making fun of me.”

“What? I wasn’t-“

Evan’s not even listening, he just keeps talking like he can’t hear Connor at all.

“I can’t believe I thought you were being nice to me.” He chokes out a bitter laugh that sounds more like sob. “But no, it’s just one of Jared’s stupid jokes.”

Connor’s speechless. Has no clue what to say because this just makes no fucking sense at all.

Evan’s full-on hyperventilating now, taking these huge shuddering breaths. Connor’s kind of worried Evan might pass out on him if he doesn’t do something

“Evan hey, just breathe.”

“I’m sorry,” he gasps, finally making eye contact. “I-I have to, have to go.”

And then Evan runs out of the room because he’s definitely having a panic attack and he needs to get away.

Connor is just kind of standing there staring at the door, trying to figure out what the fuck just happened. Feels like shit because he was actually enjoying talking to Evan, but no somehow he managed to ruin it. 

It takes Connor a minute before he realises Evan still has his letter. He calls out after Evan but he’s long gone.

Then we switch to Heidi’s POV. She gets a phone call while at work from Evan’s therapist’s office saying he never showed up to his appointment after school.

Heidi never forgives herself for this after the fact, but her first reaction is to feel kind of annoyed. She knew Evan didn’t want to go to his session today when she booked it, but she was just trying to do the right thing because she knows Evan always struggles starting back at school. Plus therapy costs money, they don’t exactly give you a refund/cancellation fee for not showing up, and they just can’t afford to be paying for therapy sessions Evan isn’t even attending right now.

She is a little concerned though. It’s not the first time Evan’s skipped an appointment, but he usually only does it if he’s had a particularly bad panic attack that day. But she isn’t worried enough to leave work early, which kills her later. Heidi wonders if she had of gone straight home if she could’ve been there quick enough.

I don’t want to go into this in too much detail, but I’m thinking Evan ODs. The tree thing didn’t work out last time so he figures he better try something else. He feels bad that this definitely couldn’t be interpretted as an accident like his fall was, but he just... doesn’t care anymore.

And god, Heidi finds him when she gets home from work, and somehow her being a nurse makes it so much worse because she knows it’s too late. Of course she still tries everything she can, and she kind of dissociates into work mode so she can put some of her panic aside, but she knows.

But... I don’t really want to write that because it’s too sad even for me lol. So the scene will probably just end with Heidi coming home and getting a bad feeling when she calls out to Evan and he doesn’t reply. It’s not the most out of character thing, because Heidi’s assuming he must have had a really bad panic attack since he ditched therapy, so he’s probably exhausted and having a sleep. But when she goes to Evan’s room to check on him her heart stops.

The next couple of days Connor mirrors Evan in canon. He’s getting antsy that Evan stole his letter and now hasn’t been at school.

I haven’t quite worked out what Zoe’s role will be yet, so I’m not sure if she’ll act as Connor’s sole confidant (like Jared is for Evan) or not. It’d make sense since Jared is kind of taking Zoe’s place, but I just don’t think it will work given the current state of her and Connor’s relationship. Either way, whether he told Zoe or not, Connor is getting really paranoid about Evan/the letter.

It’s been 3 days now since Evan took his letter and he’s still not at school.

Jared’s been away too, but he’s back today and is acting really fucking weird. He’s wearing like... a plain hoodie or something which is very unlike Jared, and he just looks really exhausted and has none of his usual arrogance. Plus he keeps staring at Connor and giving him these weird looks.

Connor’s so stressed about this stupid letter that he’s contemplating asking Jared where the hell Evan is, but he’s seriously freaking Connor out right now.

Before Connor has a chance to make up his mind about whether he should try to talk to Jared, he gets called to the principal’s office. And so the lie begins lmao.

But god... the amount of extra angst of NOT going the kleinphy route and instead having Connor write bad things about Jared in the letter is just... pure evil genius if I do say so myself

Like, imagine Jared’s parents going to see Heidi and do whatever they can to be there for her and make sure she’s ok, and Jared kind of numbly getting ready to go with them, only for his parents to explain that Heidi doesn’t exactly want to see him right now because of what Evan wrote in his note... ouch.

And god that just makes Jared sick to his stomach because what the hell did Evan say about him? And once he gets to actually read the “note” himself he really is sick.

And since his family is obviously very close with Heidi it really puts a strain on Jared’s relationship with his parents too, because they’re clearly extremely disappointed in him for doing whatever it was that made Evan write THAT

Just the whole Kleinman/Hansen dynamic would be so complicated. (but it will be fun to write!)

And oh boy... remember the amount of horrific hate Zoe recieved when Alana posted Evan’s letter online? Connor’s letter outright says something along of the lines of Jared is a fucking asshole/why did I ever think we could possibly be friends/etc. I haven’t worked out the exact wording yet because getting the letter right is just... so critical to the fic lol, but yeah if it gets posted online? yikes.

So anyway, that’s the roleswap au. I’m still working out the more specific plot details of this one, but I think it’s got some alright potential. There’s going to be a lot of tension between Jared and Connor as Jared struggles to decide whether or not he believes Connor, and as Connor finds it increasingly difficult to lie to Jared. Hmm you know on second thought maybe a kleinphy subplot doesn’t sound so bad 🤔 but just more of a slowburn angle which doesn’t start until after Evan dies... much to think about hahaha

I like to think Jared works out the truth on his own eventually, which leads to a gfy-esque fight. And whilst Zoe might take on Jared’s role in a way, Alana will be pretty much the same as she is in canon. Because for her it was always more about the message of the project than the actual person.

[literarynerd05]

Rant and Realizations

I’ve been sitting here, staring at the screen, trying to figure out how I want to start this. I haven’t blogged in such a long time. Instead, I have been keeping it all inside. I wanted to get back to text based role playing, but the group I found...sucked. I could not follow the posts at all, did not understand what story they were trying to show. Many of them did not even know how to role play in a text based format properly, and this group even had a teaching area where one could learn how to do so! And punctuation...I had to leave it because it was so bad. I liked doing text based role play because it kept me creative and helped me write more, but oh well. Maybe it is a good thing, it would be like going back in time in a way, since I primarily played when in high school. 

Life is hard right now. My PTSD is back and so is my border line personality disorder. I kept asking myself, “Why now? Why is all of this happening to me now?” I have PTSD inducing dreams and it feels like things that I have suppressed are starting to unlock. I talked to my therapist about it and she thinks it is probably because of the stress of how the world is right now. That sucks, but it makes sense. It just makes everything so much harder. I wake up after one of those dreams on the brink of an anxiety attack, having trouble breathing, shaking, a little paranoid. I have been wondering for years if I wanted to know what I have suppressed and now that some of it is coming out, I still do not know the answer to that question. Does knowing make my life easier? Does confronting my inner demons completely keep me from future pain from them? I honestly do not know. I do know that I am scared to have those memories come to the front, scared as to what was so painful that I have suppressed it. 

I keep trying to remember aspects of my childhood because I have suppressed so much of it. I see pictures of myself and I do not have the memory of when it is from. I remember before my mom moved and she and my dad were separated that I played in the medicine cabinet at his and his girlfriends house (the one with the boys that sexually abused me) and I had fun breaking open capsules and dumping into water. But that is where the memory stops. Did I get caught? Did I get in trouble? Why was that stuff where I could reach it anyway? Who was supposed to be watching me?  Basically, I have a snapshot of a moment, not the full memory. I remember when my mom came back from Ohio to pick up her stuff from our house on Beach street, but again, only a snapshot. I just remember that the truck had a hole in it and them loading stuff into it. Then there are the things that I remember but have no visual image of it. I know my dad and I went to Six Flags every summer, but I cannot see it in my mind. I know we got waffle cones before we left, but again, I do not have a visual. It is like my childhood was so traumatic that even my good memories have been hidden from me. I do want my good memories back but they could be so entangled in the bad ones that to have even the good ones, I have to take the bad. I guess that makes sense, take the good with the bad and all. 

The custody court stuff? Or maybe it was just the divorce stuff and the custody was part of it. Anyway, all I remember is I had to go talk to the judge alone and that during winter I believe, my mom and Kevin left me at a friends house to come to Illinois for court stuff. This is what has been really plaguing me lately. What exactly happened? Did the judge even have my mothers history of child abuse? Did I really want to go live there like is in my memory because I wanted to be near my big brother? Or was it really my moms idea and she talked me into believing it is what I wanted? I tried talking to my dad about all of this but he doesn’t remember, or says he doesn’t. I keep thinking that there has to be transcripts of this, somewhere. I have found the barest information on the divorce online, which could be where the custody was as well, the judges name  does sound vaguely familiar. But there is no information about dispositions or things like that. I hope that it is something that I will be able to see if I went in person, after all, it did concern me. Nothing comes up when I search my own name, which makes sense considering that I was a minor. I don’t know why all of a sudden I need to know, but I do. I want to know what all was said and what all happened. I also wonder if it is something that I will have to pay for? 

I hate that more than half of my life is a blur to me, a vague snapshot of what has transpired.

I came close to cutting but chose to start smoking again instead. I haven’t cut in 7 years. I do not even remember when I first did it and why I did it. I know why I did it later on but I do not know what happened to make me do it the first time. 

And I am so ANGRY lately. Angry at the world, angry at the President, angry at my mother. There is a pandemic going on with over 100,000 deaths and she has not checked in with her family. How can someone be so fucking selfish? How can she not care about her children, her mother, her sister enough to at least check in during this very scary time and be like hey, I am okay and I want to make sure you are okay. But she hasn’t. I know, I am not surprised, but I am angry. I will never understand my mother. I know she is sick, mentally. And I logically know that she will never be the mother that I want her to be. Hell, that I need her to be. It is just getting my emotions to understand that, that is where I am running into the problem. Logic is great but sometimes your heart does not understand logic. I see other people posting about how wonderful their mom is and I am so happy for them...but also jealous because I do not have that type of mom. Yes, I do have my Aunt Anne, who has been more of a mother to me than my mother ever has, but sometimes it isn’t the same. I just wish that I had a mother that actually cared. One that didn’t care more for her dog than her children like mine did growing up. One that I can call and talk to about anything and everything. One that hasn’t repeatedly abandoned me. One that does not make me feel like dirt, feel worthless and unlovable. One who celebrates my accomplishments instead of making me feel like nothing is ever good enough. No matter what I did, it was never good enough for her. Why was I never good enough? Why doesn’t she care? I wish...I wish I had an actual mother. It hurts so much that my own mother, the person who birthed me, does not want anything to do with me. Has never truly loved me....That one is the hardest to come to terms with. She has never truly loved anyone, even her children. How does one even process something like that? Where do I even begin? I guess my therapist and I have a place to start. I tend to avoid confronting my feelings about my mother. But...it is time that I start. I will not fully heal until I do. How can someone not love their children? Is this why I have never had a lasting relationship? Why I laugh at the thought of marriage and any kind of commitment? I am realizing quite a bit while writing this. Maybe I am holding onto D because I am afraid to move on...afraid to truly love someone and be loved back. Yeah, D loves me, but he is never going to be able to really admit it or embrace his feelings. Or even love me how I want him to. Maybe I am more in love with the idea of how we were versus still loving him. That is another one that is hard to confront, but I need to if I am ever going to move on fully. I can’t keep looking at the past and at what may have been. I can’t change him. I can’t change my mother. I know she will never be the mother that I want her to be. That I need her to be. I know D will never be the person that I have wanted him to be...that I hoped he would be. Once I start to heal, I need to find someone that actually loves me. That wants to be with me. That wants to be Leo to my Piper. Ben to my Leslie. Jim to my Pam. Luke to my Lorelai. Shawn to my Juliet. 

Realizing all of this is hard. But I can use this to help me move on. To help me become better. To love myself again. To find myself again. 

I am afraid to be completely open with someone because I have been hurt. I have been hurt by someone that is supposed to love me no matter what. How can I trust anyone else with all of me when my mother doesn’t love me? How can I be that vulnerable? That exposed? I feel like everything that I have realized while writing this is why I haven’t sat down to write in so long. 

With the pandemic, I live every day scared, sad, and angry because of all of the senseless deaths. Because our country is not doing what needs to be done. So many people are not understanding how serious this thing is. So many think that it infringes on their civil rights. What do we as Caucasian people know about civil rights? Wearing a mask does not infringe your civil rights, it protects OTHER PEOPLE in case you are infected and are asymptomatic, or even are infected and know and are still going out. The death toll was not even supposed to reach 80,000 until AUGUST. It happened at the beginning of May. Now, not even 30 days later we have hit over 100,000, the highest in the world. Other countries actually shut down and took this seriously so their numbers are nowhere near ours. But we have an imbecile in the oval office that likes to overstep his authority and cares more about himself and the election than the American people. And many people still DO NOT see this about him. He regularly has temper tantrums and storms off. If someone disagrees with him he tries to silence them. I am scared of where our country will be come November because we are not heading in a good direction. People are not social distancing...they are not wearing masks...Our president isn’t taking the pandemic seriously. Tells blatant lies and then gets mad when someone calls him on it. Even his own people. Checks and balances are in place for someone like him but because we are a two party system and his party is so afraid to cross him, he will not be held accountable for his actions and lack of inaction. Instead, this moron gets to run rampant and give the constitution a middle finger. 

Think about it for a minute. 100,000 deaths. That is the population of some cities. That is a number we should never have reached. We need to take a minute...stop and think about the people we have lost. Think about what needs to be done to prevent more deaths. What can we do to slow this thing? We need to have concern for someone other than ourselves! Care about the consequences of your actions on other people! We are the most selfish country only thinking about oneself. 

All of this does not help my depression. But I have to watch a bit of what is going on every day so that I am informed. It honestly makes me cry. When I watched a news clip after we reached 100,000 deaths, I cried. For them, for our country, for those that may come next. 

[death-himself]

enjoy my theories and me connecting dots that weren’t meant to be connected and also random notes

this is from my third time watching the new episode, including every single tiny detail i noticed because when it comes to theorizing i either dont do anything or go all out

also know that I am terrible at reading facial expressions so most of those parts are likely wrong

(under the cut because on google docs it said it was 7 pages long and i am afraid)

virgil looks automatically anxious and frustrated

logan stutters a lot after roman makes the "take off your glasses" joke and i cant tell if hes confused or if hes actually offended by that

what they all say the first time they yell at logan: virgil: "shut up before i shut you up" thomas: "WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH" patton: "hey now heeeyy nowww" slowly turning into song

thomas calls virgil "the purp man"

references to Sword and the stone? may refer to something?

second time they yell at logan: virgil: "i'm gonna prohibit your BREATHING if you keep this up" (damn virge calm down) thomas: "please stop please i really dont want to think about it" patton doesnt speak (im pretty sure)

virgil glances at thomas a lot

is it just me or around the time virgil says "we're going to talk about something else now" he starts to sound a lot like deceit? Especially with that "sure"

roman gets easily distracted

"of course you're not a chick. You're a metaphysical human being. A chick is a really ??? girl"

why does remus appear behind the TV?

patton notices remus when saying "evil" virgil notices remus when saying "show up" and his tempest tongue comes in

when roman get knocked out the first time virgil looks at thomas like hes frustrated or annoyed maybe he looks at thomas like that because he thought it was thomas that was to blame for him showing up? since he was the one to have those intrusive thoughts?

also why does remus smack roman with a morning star?

all dark sides wear eye shadow confirmed

also this disproves the theory that all dark sides have a more animalistic features, therefore proving the headcanon that deceit just puts on makeup to look like he has scales on his face because hes dramatic

virgil looks kind of scared right before the song starts

during the song: logan looks done with everything thomas looks scared virgil looks furious and maybe defensive (that snarl tho) patton looks confused

why is patton of all sides to be the one to puke out remus (that's probably not the weirdest line i've written)

Remus considers any creativity that isn't dirty or horrific (aka his stuff) to be dull or boring

I think the A-Z part of the song is a reference to this one song video about the ABCs of ways to die but i have no clue

Even early on in the song when logan says "It's fine" it shows that hes trying to sort this out and get to the problem, but Remus prevents him from continuing, then allows Pat and Virge to say their thoughts

ROMAN CALLS REMUS "BRO" 8 MINUTES IN

"recently a snake offered me a morsel from the tree of knowledge" reference to deceit but also adam and eve

one of deceit's hands is holding a gavel reference to SvS

also deceit wears a coat just sayin

"No longer will you deceive yourself about the ugliness within you" this means that deceit really doesn't want thomas to lie to himself

why is deceit always the one with multiple arms when half his face is a snake? snakes dont have arms

Is remus holding up the mirror to thomas a reference to remus and roman basically being mirror images of each other?

Remus is SO PALE compared to thomas WHICH IS WEIRD CUZ THOMAS IS ALREADY REALLY PALE

I think remus is actually a lot smarter than he seems he knows how to manipulate thomas into believing hes a bad person by using religious topics and language, something that's been with thomas his whole life

also while remus is singing about hell he turns from normal to fully colored green, similar to all the other sides

Virgil looks so disturbed and frustrated after the song

"I'm really stupid right now" MOOD

when remus agrees with thomas that roman's his creativity he's just like "yeah...." SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS TO A T

Virgil and Remus argue like they know each other super well

Patton's so pure he doesn't even like to say "B-hole" precious dad

Remus uses words that have been said before to back himself up "Why do you want to stifle your own creativity, thomas?" 12 Days of Christmas: "We shouldn't stifle Roman's creative whimsy!" also all the other times roman's admitted to feeling ignored

Virgil's so uncomfortable he might have been afraid that remus would outright say that hes a dark side (bc honestly remus seems like the kind of guy to do that)

Why does remus like Jeffery Dommer so much?

also when remus turned his head to the side at about 10:30 the music matches and sounds like hes cracking his neck

Remus gets confused for a moment when Logan takes his "lot of good that did him!" seriously this seems to be a recurring theme throughout all the dark sides: them being confused by logan taking things literally You think I'm joking? I'm not Virgil early on gets frustrated that logan seems to "only take what he says literally" and I'm pretty sure I remember some time where deceit has to stop to process the fact that logan took one of his metaphors seriously

LOGAN IS A PSYCHOLOGY NERD AND WOULD LIKELY BE A PRETTY DECENT THERAPIST. YOU CAN NOT CHANGE MY MIND

Patton looks so scared when logan asks him to do the experiment. Hes like "what? what do you need me for? what's going on?"

virgil looks so tired and annoyed when he says "good save"

LOGAN GIVING OUT VALIDATION TO PATTON AND THEN LATER TO VIRGIL IS ADORABLE

wait does virgil blow at his bangs whenever he's really annoyed or anxious? because he did that in moving on part 2 while he was dealing with his panic attack in pattons room and then in this episode where he is clearly anxious throughout the whole thing

"No mommy I dont want the mashed potatoes" ROMAN HAS A MOM WHICH MEANS THAT REMUS HAS A MOM BUT WHO TF IS THEIR MOM

when thomas calls remus scary and he responds with that it sounds like a virgil problem Virgil glares at him so clearly defensive and angry remus just smiles like "yeah, i know whats going on"

virgil's the only one who doesnt suspect logan to be deceit when remus claims it

you know when everyone was creating theories about who romans counterpart would be and everyone was expecting them to be extremely elegant and suave? yeah, why the fuck did we think that? If the dark sides are like mirror images of the light sides, then of course remus would be this chaotic demon with literally no elegance whatsoever roman's the elegant, romantic, graceful prince, so of course whatever remus is would be his opposite

Cane and Abel - another biblical reference

also after remus says that virgil looks like hes confused or maybe just deep in thought about something

self-immolate means to set fire to yourself i had to look it up too remus literally wants thomas to strip, set himself on fire and play shake it off

despite all the biblical references reeling thomas in, remus is sooo bad at getting his point across "and then the baby...dies" "AND NO ONE SURVIVES"

a demented version of that "hallelujah" thing plays while hes talking about the baby bird and the airplane

"I am YOUR creativity" at that it flashes to Virgil, who looks like hes thinking about it. probably a sort of build-up to show how long virgil thinks about it before admitting that remus had a point

virgil looks so nervous when remus says that hes never been one to soften the truth

"why would you aspire to be so...boring?" (i feel like the word aspire there is important for some reason)

patton tries so hard to believe that thomas is a good person to the point where he ignores logic

THAT TURN TO LOGAN REMUS DOES IS SO FRICKIN TERRIFYING

it seems like both remus and deceit seem to understand that logan is the most dangerous for them remus threatens logan to try and get him to stop talking deceit chucks logan to the very back of the courtroom in SvS

"TURN INTO A GHOST" "TURN INTO THE HULK"

"I merely gave him a baby...AND A LARGE SHARP KNIFE" ME

"one of you is enough!" I wonder how that line affected Virgil? since it's possible that at this time he was already doubting whether or not hes really grown

PATTON LITERALLY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT REPRESSION IS

that voice-crack when virgil says "But what if he's lying?" That might show how he feels about lying and deceit a bit more. he might be terrified at the thought of being lied to

paranoid is definitely a really bad word to virgil and the others know it. virgil and patton turn to look at logan the moment he says it, and logan freezes for a moment to change it into something better

when both virge and remus say "but what about jeffery dommer" virgil just looks so scared, his eyes darting around as if his mind is racing, probably worried that he really hasnt grown

they keep referring back to "that can't be where the bar is"

Logan says "figuratively" to stop Remus

"I LOVE BEING GIVEN TWO D's AT ONCE"

Virgil looks so afraid that he's still the bad guy in this its so sad

both patton and virgil laugh at poop jokes they are 29— they are very mature adults

"I would never hide anything from you" *glances at virgil* I feel like that might have been the moment virgil realized he couldn't just hide him being a dark side much longer

THEY DON'T EVEN LOOKED SCARED WHEN REMUS SCREAMED THEY JUST LOOKED ANNOYED

as the vid goes on remus tries more and more to be noticed

why did logan ask virgil how thomas was feeling instead of patton? was it because he knew thomas was really anxious or because he felt like patton would claim that he was feeling fine?

while everyone's calming down during logan's lecture, virgil just seems to grow more and more anxious, since he knows that he'll probably have to tell thomas that hes a dark side

thomas and virgil STILL dont want to go to a therapist

virgil just looks so guilty when thomas decides to lie down on the couch

"It was just like old times" when remus says that patton and logan just look so mad that he would say that

after that logan glances up at virgil to see how he feels aww

VIRGIL'S SMILE WHEN ROMAN GETS BACK UP IS SO UNSURE YET SO HOPEFUL AT THE SAME TIME

everyone just looks so proud of logan awww

virgil sounds so lost when hes about to reveal himself

he never calls them "the dark sides", just "the others"

virgil looks on the verge of tears when he says "because i was one of them". it shows how much this affects him, and how terrified he is to tell thomas. this is even more terrifying to him than telling them his name, which was shown to be an important thing to him

and afterwards thomas just goes silent, and looks so lost and confused, maybe even betrayed. he clearly needed a moment to think before saying anything

then virgil shrugs and leaves, his eyes red and full of tears, probably too scared to stay any longer

once he leaves thomas just stares at the ground processing the information

i’m bad at theorizing and my thoughts are a mess rn so all of this is probably complete shit

[whatismeta-blog]

To the Anon, who Asked the Asks

1) what was your first delusion

Honestly, I think I might still be working through it. But like it might not be, so like...

Welcome welocome, the answers get better I swear

2) have you ever had your choice taken away by the psychiatric system

: Not really, I never really spent to much time in any systems due to paranoia of the system, probably because of the stigma around it and pop culture fueling a strong sense of danger in it, and just my lack of any real wealth in my past and present

3) how do you cope with your hallucinations

: Painfully ignoring them in almost everyway I can, which, has often lead to me ignoring something happening around me, or directed at me cause I thought It wasn't real. Other than that I find physical grounding, and specifically martial arts helps make my overall disorder more positive in tone

4) are you professionally diagnosed with a psychotic disorder

: I was professionally diagnosed back when's was about 14 or 15, after a few sessions the doctor said I probably had schizophrenia and prescribed me some anti psychotics

5) how often do you shower

: About once (1) or twice (2) a week honestly, I need to take more. But I've been getting better

6) to what extent are you "out" as psychotic

: I'm about half way, most of my old friends and family have no knowledge, but my current living people all know, my boyfriend knows, and a couple people the I've had some long nights with know, and my entire blog

7) have you ever had a funny or cute hallucination

8) how old were you when you were first diagnosed (or figured it out yourself)

:when my sister went to North star when I was in like 3rd grade, and my mum tried to explain it to me why my sister was inpatient, I specifically remember that imentioned i thought something might be wrong with me too, but since I was outwardly disruptive, just "quiet" my mum found no need

9) how old were you when you first started having symptoms

So issues with Speech is a commonly overlooked symptom of schizophrenia, as a in my case I feel more cognitive issue, and I think that my early childhood and that I had a speech therapist cause of my young selective autism, and just inability to speak right might've been my first symptoms

10) do you reclaim any words associated with your disorder

: I honestly don't really think I do, I want to though -> Paranoid, I use a lot though, caus like Fuck am.I paranoid, and psychotic, but I use that more clinically,

11) do you feel emotions intensely or hardly at all

: Harldy at all, I just, I may only be 22, but I'm just really tired and old, but if an emotion can start shining through strongly it kind of starts to engulf me, especially at night

12) do you have a hard time making yourself understood

: so much, it's lessened some over the years, but so many times after trying to get words out, (I tend to speak fast and with a sometimes interesting vocabulary) and I'm just still really bad at using English to express specifically emptions, which only makes me feel worse cause wow have I fucked things up trying to say something and someoneisunderstanding me

13) which symptoms of your disorder impair you the most

: negative symptoms, that cause me to just be very distant as a person mentally and presently, and I think overall paranoia, or even sometimes like, meta-paranoid <-

14) do you usually have some insight when you're actively psychotic

:When I'm hallucinating, I'd say I generally do, but when I am delusional, I usually don't, but I kinda always think that there is a chance I'm being psychotic so I try and stay on my toes. If ya know what's mean

15) is there a situation you can laugh at which was a scary time

16) do you think your psychosis is related to trauma

: it possibly could be, but I don't believe that if I didn't have trauma that I wouldn't still be psychotic

17) do you have any co-morbid disorders

:probably, I try not to worry to much about what's all wrong. I just try and make it all work together

18) what is you're exact diagnosis if you have one

Do to the people who diagnosed me as schizophrenic loosing their thing. Due to.insurance purposes, I have no diagnosis on file. Last time I went in a couple years back to a new doctor they said I should get evaluated, but like, I could barely afford what I had already been there for

19) when did you start think you might be psychotic

Before I can remember

20) is there a history of psychosis in your family

:I've don't know to much of my family or their histories, but my mum is paranoid and has anxiety. And my older sister is autism spectrum, and so mental health is in the family

21) do you have inappropriate emotions or reactions

Less inappropriate as in lewd, but more of, absent, or like, when I first was told someone close to me (human) died, I didn't ever cry once for them, I don't think I have to this day, not to say I wouldn't cry for everybody close to me, but like yeah, and like when answering personal questions I think I react a lot more deflectively. Or like, hell, my partner told me they loved me for the first time, and though I honestly wanted to say it back, I just didn't, I honestly don't remember what I said. And Tbh still kinda feel shitty about that interaction..

22)do you relate to any characters bc they might have a psychotic disorder

Fucking,

River tam from firefly, (like yeah, she has like actual powers and shit, but Damn, it kinda affects her similarly)

23) do you have a song you listen to when.you need to calm down

Lullaby for a stormy night, ever-changing by rise against

24) do you have a song you relate to psychosis

:first one I could think of is "World in a bottle" by Anavae

25) what traits do you want to see in a canonically psychotic character

Negative symptoms, dissociation, And a few happy Fucking stories for us please

26) do you have a recurring delusion or hallucination

:oh boy do I, I'm honestly still coming to terms with a long time life held delusion, and that's a fun thing to do without therapy let me tell you, here do come Nov. 17

27) would you get rid of your psychotic disorder if you.could)

: if, it could be a little more manageable that would be nice, but, honestly, not being psychotic ever again.. now that sounds kinda scary too

28) do you take anti-psychotic, why?

:no prescription grade, but I do my best to self medicate, if you can, don't follow my example

29) how is your memory

:well I've been going back and forth writing the numbers and questions now, and I read the ask, switched form my photos to the tumble app, and then forgot, so. Bonus fact, this is the first ask i answered in this line

30) what how through your head when you hear "cute but psycho"

Honestly I see hear the Word psycho and almost every time I get upset, but like unless they're psychotic, and okay with you referring to them as such. It just makes me upset

31) do you experience time distortion

According to general laws of physics time dilates, so yeah I do what of it?

Serious answer though, yeah,

Like say my first 4 month into being in my current city, I had a mental fall back, and went back home for a 2 maybe three months,

That first fronts in this city, was actually 4 days, and part of my waking routine is checking the date and time to make sure that I am in the know on what year and day it's supposed to be

[riverdaleroundup]

Riverdale Roundup: 2x14“ The Hills Have Eyes”

Oh hey. It’s me. That bitch you hate. It’s been a hot damn minute but i’m ready for some fresh ass teenage angst. The journey to get a link to watch this god forsaken show has been TREACHEROUS! The lord has been punishing me for not having basic satellite in my dorm room and not having the patience to wait for midnight for this shit to come on  Netflix. Like I feel like Jesus is pressuring me to go down to my communal living area and watch TV with the plebs who live on my floor but I would rather shave off my eyebrows than interact with these people. So after YEARS of looking for a good link I've finally made it. I would like to thank not only God but Jesus.

First off we need to address that Chic is just so damn creepy and also a truly awful house guest. Like don’t drink out of the juice carton and don’t use Betty's shower.  He’s going to get written up in page six for being an ungrateful house guest. Also him standing on the stairs waving will haunt my dreams for weeks to come.

Cheryl is not that pleased that her mom is still pimping herself out to the men of Riverdale. Penelope is pissed that Cheryl ruined her chance at happiness with Hal, but really who loves Hal? Penelope comes for her 15 year old daughter over having never been in love. Like she’s in 10th grade but whatever.

Hiram offers Veronica and Archie the lake house for the weekend and i’m like ummmmm. What father sends their child out on a romantic getaway? Also Veronica demand's not to have a chaperone and Daddy just agrees? Like I’m 20 and I feel like I need a chaperone still. If my mom isn’t coming with me on a trip I feel unsafe. Like excuse me where are the adults? Who is going to hold my passport?

Oh so it’s a safe house. I get it now. He’s not just looking to facilitate his daughter getting dicked down.

FP and Jughead need a new place to live since the whole of Sunnyside trailer park is getting evicted. Tragically there is minimal affordable housing in Riverdale and FP works at a diner. Yikes.

All of my hopes prayers have come true and Moose has finally graced our screens. I think he got hotter.  Like his face thinned out a bit and his hair looks good and he’s got that jean jacket and i’m INTO IT.

So is this whole scene just an ad for Love Simon? We get it. The movies coming out. Are Moose and Kevin secretly hooking up or like? What is Midge supposedly so cool with? Or is it just that she knows that they went down to the river to hook up and casually found a dead body?  

I honestly just want Moose and Kevin to be together. Who cares about Midge? Not I.

Veronica is like our lake house is “rustic” and i’m like really bitch? I doubt that. Do you want to see rustic?  Would you like to see my canvas tent complete with plywood walls that my father built and a composting toilet? It’s a yurt bitch. Look it up. But like not a mud hut. Don’t get it twisted.

Jughead is only into going to this cabin so that he can get some Intel on the Lodges. Betty like doesn’t love that idea. She needs to get away from her creepy ass brother and i’m like girl he has caused so much trouble just send that bitch back to the youth hostel where he belongs.

So if life was normal Alice would never let her kid go on an over night sex weekend but I guess now that they are covering up a murder she’s a little more lax with the rules. It’s hard to lecture your daughter about responsibility when she witnessed you mopping up the blood of a drug dealer.

Chic is so damn creepy. I’m done with him.

What I want to know is why would the Lodges go to this lake house for the summer? They are so Hampton's people. They should be off rubbing elbows with Ramona Singer and Luann De Lesseps.

Can I just say that Andre is honestly hot. Homebody can like get it.

Archie is shook that Andre has a gun as if he wasn’t walking around locked and  loaded only a handful of episodes ago.

Lodge Lodge. Really Veronica? How clever.  Florals? For spring? Ground breaking.

Cheryl  is pissed that she couldn’t come on the couples weekend so she calls jughead to ruin their getaway because she’s a petty bitch and I adore it.  Stir up the shit girl. Stir it up.

Jughead is pissed. This is why Betty should have come clean before. Like you kissed Archie. You didn’t have a secret love child together. It’s not a big deal.

I adore that Cheryl introduces herself with her twitter handle. She’s looking to gain followers. She’s ready to be a social media influencer.

Toni tries to play therapist to Cheryl and she is not having it. Like don’t touch her sans consent.

I know that i’ve said this before but Archie has the world's largest head. We know it’s not holding a big brain so like what’s up there? Extra storage space? Room for activities?

Why do they need to unpack their stuff? They’re staying there for like 2 days. I don’t unpack when i’m staying somewhere for 2 weeks. I just rummage through my suitcase like a drifter looking for cans in the trash bin .

Jughead and Betty promptly make up about the whole Barchie kiss thing  and then hear Archie and Veronica getting it on.A friendly reminder that these children are 15. This feels wrong.  Jughead has a point. All Veronica and Archie know how to do is fuck. Like what do they actually talk about?

Jughead goes digging for info and Betty does not love it.  Veronica assumes that they are still pissy about the kiss so she suggests that they all unwind in the jacuzzi.

So everybody is going hot tubbing. I miss my hottub. If my dad could just like do a girl a solid and fill that ish back up again I would be very grateful. Give me all the chemicals.

Veronica is like “ just so things aren’t awkward I think that Jughead and I should make out just like really quick.”   Very sound logic. See this is actually something that 15 year olds would do. Although under normal circumstances they wouldn’t be on a sex getaway in the woods funded by one of the girls fathers.

All of these characters are way to self aware with their ship names. Jughead just used bughead and Vughead all in one sentence.

Veronica and Jughead kiss and it’s awkward for all. All that’s left is for Archie and Jughead to kiss and everything will be Gucci. Honestly at this point who hasn’t Archie kissed?

Betty puts on her awkward ass cam girl outfit and then her and Jughead get it on real quick.  Evidently she watched the new fifty shades of grey movie and is feeling very sexually liberated. Someone needs to oil the bed springs in this house. Just saying.

Archies doesn’t want to talk or have sex so really he and veronica are at a loss. Talking was a stretch in the first place.

Archie chops wood the next morning so he can get out some of his sexual frustration about watching his best friend make out with his girlfriend and then he scampers off to meet Andre in the woods

Why does Veronica have an umbrella? It’s not raining.

Joise is pissed that her mom is sniffing around the Sheriff. She’s not down for this whole affair thing.  Oh so Josie's dad knows about Sierra and ‘Tom’. Did we know that that was his name prior to this? Did I just miss it because i’m always referring to him as Sheriff Silver fox or Hot Dad?

Oh so is the sheriff really going to leave his wife? You know what they say….They never leave the wife.

Juggie and Archiekins  chat about the time that their girlfriends made out and then Archie is like btw really sorry about making out with your girlfriend. Jughead points out just how incestious their group is and predicts that they are probably going to explode at some point. Foreshadowing my dudes.

Also why are they sitting four feet across from each other throwing a football? Is this what boys do?

Josie spills the beans to Kevin about the affair and it’s a very Cheryl move. Throwing out all that drama. Destroying families one step at a time.

Veronica confirms with Betty that she and Jughead have been doing the deed and she literally praises the lord that Betty and Jughead have moved past holding hands and hugging. She didn’t want to be the only non virgin female of the group. Betty also admit that she likes to dress up in the worst wig ever known to man to make their special time together more exciting. Maybe keep that to yourself girl.

So Hiram bought the trailer park for the serpents but really what's good? Jugheads detective senses are tingling.

I love Moose so much. If Midge could just go away that would be ideal. She can go do jingle jangle with someone else and leave Moose to Kevin.

“ I’m just going to this gay rom com alone.” Same Kevin. Same

Midge is like “ we need to find you someone” and Kevin is like “ yeah how about your boyfriend?”

I’m confused. Does Midge know that Kevin and Moose like got it on once upon a time or not? I’m feeling like it’s a no tbh.

Are there really so many desperate men in Riverdale that Penelope can keep a steady stream of business? Does she have to scour Greendale for potential suitors as well?

So glad Josie and Kevin are friends now. It will make being step siblings so much easier.

Riverdale has moved from being sponsored by covergirl to being sponsored by upcoming teen rom coms. This is only slightly more subtle than a focus in shot on the lash blast mascara.

The Lodges are so rich but they can’t even afford the monopoly with the credit cards? Shame.

Hiram bought the riverdale register? What the heck Hal? You fool. I’m also confused because I thought that the Lodges were fresh out of cash. They supposedly “risked it all” building to Sodale thing but yet they can afford to buy Pops and the town paper + a trailer park? These New York investors must of come in hard with the cash.

Oh there is mad tension in this friend group rn.  Jughead is like : Archie you’re really stupid” which I mean at this point is a well known fact. Archie calls Jughead and Betty boring and paranoid .Betty calls Veronica sexually manipulative. Veronica kink shames Betty. This is relationship health. Have they finally reached the point in high school where all your friends turn on you and nothing is ever the same?

A bunch of townies break in to defuse the tension between the ‘ core four’. We all know it’s you under that hood Cassidy. I recognize that flannel.

Veronica hits the panic button in her room because of course she has one of those. That’s honestly my dream.  Give me a panic button. Give me a panic room. Please.

The townies run off when the alarm goes off but one of them steals Veronicas necklace and for some reason that really sets Archie off. Like is this necklace significant? It’s not even her pearls.

Andre really casually shots this guy. Like same. Hope he got grammas scone recipe first.

Josie and Kevin call a family meeting of their new little clan. Honestly blended family goals. Adam Sandler would be proud.

Cheryl  kind of comes out very casually Toni. Toni is Bi, Cheryl is not straight.  It’s the beginning of a love story. Tale as old as time.  Are we ever going to address Cheryl being creepy with Josie or are we going to just let that slide?

Hiram asks Archie if he’s pissed that Andre shot a teenager and Archie is like  “ Nah fam. I regret not shooting the black hood. Shoulda never threw my gun in the river”.

Hiram reminds Archie that all those who hesitate are lost so like don’t pussy out next time.

Jughead is really creeped out by Chic and i’m like same bro. Get that crack addict out of here. The issue being that Chic has really nice bone structure but he’s too gaunt to be truly hot so it really takes away from the appeal of his character. At this point he’s just some freaky kid who hangs around the house and eat cereal while making full eye contactt. It’s a no from me fam. Also he constantly looks constipated. Get some smooth move tea girl.

[tales-of-abysia]

Reflection - Brown One

Early spring, Bastion pulled open the mirror door and barged into it, half expecting to be interrupting something. As he entered into the Reflection Room he stopped suddenly, looking around at the décor. Modern black and white chair and art of dull colors in abstract, jarring shapes that vaguely looked like humanoids. Some seemed to embody a solemn nature, others looked like they may be suffering. Before turning to her, Bastioned stared at an abstract painting where the shadow seemed to be cradling it’s head in small hands, in a world where everything was small, but a bold black blur against a stark white background. It was like the light was swallowing everything. “Aria, what is all of this?”

She glanced up from a nameless book, slipping it’s ribbon into the pages as she pretended to just now notice him. “Oh, Bastion! You finally grace my presence. I’ve seen everyone else at least once by now.”

“The weaker ones come for help more often. You’re designed to assist with self healing, to accelerate growth of the weaker personalities.” He looked her in the eye, a hand outstretched to the painting. “Where did this come from?”

“You created that piece yourself.”

“Yeah, I get that. It was tossed into the Bin with Laila. What’s with this?” He grabbed it off of the wall.

“Well I got it back and here it is. Do you dislike it?”

He stared at it in bewilderment for a second before sighing and dropping it onto the counter. “I’m not here for psychoanalysis. I want to know if you made any progress with her.”

Aria’s lip drifted down in one corner. “I see multiple Her's in this office. To which do you refer?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, Aria. I don’t care about Clora's kinks or Mari's sensitivities. Tell me about your progress with the crimson one. Is she making progress?”

Aria let out a long exhale. ”You know, professionally speaking the therapist isn’t supposed to divulge information on their clients.”

Bastion narrowed his eyes and turned to look out the giant cracked window. “I need to know if she’s getting better or if she’s maintaining her feral nature. I know you’re not comfortable talking about it but this is one of your duties. You wanted to be included again, so I made sure that this room exists for you. Honestly, I wanted to just be rid of you after you caused the Flood.”

Aria diverted her eyes, and her fingers drifted through her short hair. “Well I’m trying to help everyone equally. Sadly it seems that some aren’t as willing to be helped, such as yourself.”

He scoffed and took a step toward the desk, but stopped short just before the end of the long window. Instead, he walked around to the back of the chair and pushed it forward, into the small table and both of them dragged across the floor until they impacted the outside of her desk. Bastion leaned forward with a glare. “Crimson one. That’s why I’m here. Is she improving?”

Aria's eyes narrowed at Bastion, down to his hands and then to the chair he leaned against. She shook her head and let out an extended sigh, pulled open a drawer and grabbed a thick folder from within. She dropped her personal novel in it’s place. “First of all, stop saying She.”

“Why? Female body, in a dress. It’s a she.”

“Crimson rejects such concepts. They dislike any moniker that is sexually representative.”

“So what you’ve managed to learn is that monster is asexual?”

Aria's eyes shot up to Bastion's with frustration. “Asexual implies a lack of urge. What Crimson is can be referred to as nonbinary. They don’t sexually identify. Furthermore, to refer to Crimson as a monster is to belittle their potential.”

Bastion huffed, opening his mouth to speak again, but Aria cut him off. “FURTHERMORE, Crimson is slowly opening up, taking time to learn language and social skills. They are paranoid and aggressive, having a great deal of fear and hate for anything unfamiliar or unpredictable. I wouldn’t recommend a party, and Crim should be kept away from pets and probably people for a while. They’re not ready for social contact yet but I believe reform to be possible. My main concern is that their aspect may be spreading to others, most notably Jaxx due to Crimson's connection to Laila.”

Bastion finally burst. “Connection?! Is that what you think they had?! God, you think I’m trying to belittle this fucking thing’s potential by calling it a monster? She’s a fucking cannibal, Aqua. She ate Zane’s arm first, then went on to rip off Bane's fingers FOR FUN. We found them last month atrophied but she just spit them out.” He lifted his hand and started ticking fingers. “After Zane she took Damien's arm, leg, and eye. She ripped Laila in half, shatter Audio like fine china, consumed Dawne Luna WHOLE, and now we have that thing locked in Lexi's room. Why does it look like that anyways? It was a bloody puddle before. Did you entirely miss the fact that she still has Bane’s eye in her head?”

Aria stared daggers at Bastion behind her unentertained expression. “Do not ever call me that again, do you hear? You act as if this is all fault that lands on my shoulders but I only found Crimson, I didn’t create them. In fact, the reason Crimson consumes other people’s aspects seems to sound pretty similar to your own philosophy, where you felt everything should be gathered in one place. It’s most likely that the parts of you that were cast off, these hateful thoughts of self destruction, were the first things that were consumed.” She placed her finger on a line within one of the pages of the folder and read. “From there, the other things made them larger, stronger. The appearance is likely pulled from Luna's own looks, hence the “her” appearance of a being without concepts of self-sexualization. As best I can tell, the consumed aspects are digesting. With Luna's passion Crimson seems to be adjusting to interests of it's own, and Damien’s pieces are allowing them to focus on language and social structures. There’s a whimsy, an innocence there. I imagine it came from the pieces of Laila we couldn’t recover. That said, I think Crimson still remains mostly feral. We need more time and a safe space to let them stretch, preferably without anyone else around. Crimson is growing and getting more manageable but still dangerous. I suggest we stay the current line of treatment. That’s my analysis.”

Bastion threw his hands up into the air. “Thank you! Was that so fucking hard, Miss Aria?” He turned and walked out of the room, pulling the door open wide and slamming it loudly shut behind him.

Aria sighed, running her fingers through her hair. “Such an asshole. You’re the hardest one to work with.” She closed Crimsin's folder and switched it out for her book as the room slowly reset itself to monochrome.

[non-binary-royalty]

1-170. :~}

youre lucky i love you

1: How tall or short do you wish you were?

i’m alright with my height, i’m average

2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not)

a french bulldog

3: Do you have a favorite clothing style?

i usually wear a video game/pop punk band/power rangers shirt with jeans and sneakers. if i need a haircut i’ll wear a beanie or snapback

4: What was your favorite video game growing up?

sonic on sega genesis

5: What three things/people do you think of most each day:

i think about you, me, and my dog tbh

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say?

caution: anxious piece of shit

7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]?

u done goofed

8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic]

melancholic gee what a surprise

9: Are you ticklish?

yes very

10: Are you allergic to anything?

basically everything outside

11: What’s your sexuality?

pan i guess

12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa?

coffee, then tea, and then cocoa

13: Are you a cat or dog person?

both

14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson?

vampire

15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber?

i don’t have a favorite youtuber per se but i really like braille skateboarding, green beetle, and db knives

16: How tall are you?

5′6

17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?

probably alexander

18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]

around 210, which i’m working on changing

19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits?

yes

20: Do you like space or the ocean more?

neither

21: Are you religious?

no

22: Pet peeves?

my biggest pet peeve is when people touch my stuff and don’t put it back properly and when someone finishes the rest of something without asking anyone else if they want any

23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]?

nocturnal

24: Favorite constellation?

tbh i don’t have one

25: Favorite star?

also don’t have one

26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls?

fuck no

27: Any phobias or fears?

basically everything

28: Do you think global warming is real?

yes

29: Do you believe in reincarnation?

i honestly don’t know

30: Favorite movie?

chicago

31: Do you get scared easily?

very

32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime?

7

33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.]

0/10 ;)

34: What is a color that calms you?

black or grey

35: Where would you like to travel and/or live?

i’d like to live in a scottish moor or something similar

36: Where were you born?

worcester massachusetts 

37: What is your eye color?

very dark brown

38: Introvert or extrovert?

introvert

39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs?

i don’t know tbh

40: Hugs or kisses?

both

41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now?

you

42: Who is someone you love deeply?

i don’t really know how to answer this 

43: Any piercings you want?

i wanna get a cartilage piercing and i want my nips pierced

44: Do you like tattoos and piercings?

yes very much

45: Do you smoke or have you eiver done so?

yep

46: Talk about your crush, if you have one!

nope

47: What is a sound you really hate?

chewing

48: A sound you really love?

campfires

49: Can you do a backflip?

fuck no

50: Can you do the splits?

also fuck no

51: Favorite actor and/or actress?

i don’t really have one

52: Favorite movie?

already answered 

53: How are you feeling right now?

tired and kinda sad

54: What color would you like your hair to be right now?

i like it the way it is

55: When did you feel happiest?

i don’t know. i felt really good while i was in love but idk honestly

56: Something that calms you down?

watching videos on youtube

57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]

yeah like three

58: What does your URL mean?

it used to be a longstanding joke but i had to modify it to accommodate my gender 

59: What three words describe you the most?

anxious, tired, sad

60: Do you believe in evolution?

yes

61: What makes you unfollow a blog?

shitty opinions

62: What makes you follow a blog?

if they post stuff i like

63: Favorite kind of person:

someone who’s nice and accepts me for me and laughs at my shitty jokes

64: Favorite animal(s):

dogs, cats, bears, bats, basically every animal tbh

65: Name three of your favorite blogs.

yours, and i really don’t have any others tbh

66: Favorite emoticon:

the crossed swords

67: Favorite meme:

anything with a dog or cat

68: What is your MBTI personality type?

infj-t

69: What is your star sign?

aries

70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog?

fuck no

71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most?

my neck deep shirt with either black or grey jeans

72: Post a selfie or two?

hell no

73: Do you have platform shoes?

nope

74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself?

i’m not interesting at all but i guess i can tell you all that i really like watching documentaries

75: Can you do a front flip?

nope

76: Do you like birds?

sure

77: Do you like to swim?

no

78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you?

neither

79: Something you wish didn’t exist:

me

80: Some thing you wish did exist:

my love life

81: Piercings you have?

septum, used to have stretched ears, and had two piercings on each ear

82: Something you really enjoy doing:

watching videos and cuddling

83: Favorite person to talk to:

you

84: What was your first impression of Tumblr?

i thought it was a lot to take in at first

85: How many followers do you have?

1239

86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes?

nope

87: Do your socks always match?

most of the time yes

88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely?

yep

89: What are your birthstones?

diamond

90: If you were an animal, which one would you be?

i’d wanna be a wolf tbh

91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be?

probably something dead

92: A store you hate?

walmart

93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day?

one

94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds?

fly

95: Do you like to wear camo?

no

96: Winter or summer?

neither

97: How long can you hold your breath for?

probably like fifteen seconds or something

98: Least favorite person?

myself

99: Someone you look up to:

idk

100: A store you love?

hardware stores

101: Favorite type of shoes

i love my stefan janoskis

102: Where do you live?

rhode island

103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why?

neither

104: What is your favorite mineral or gem?

i like obsidian 

105: Do you drink milk?

yes

106: Do you like bugs?

nope

107: Do you like spiders?

fuck no

108: Something you get paranoid about?

everything

109: Can you draw:

nope

110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked?

i don’t know honestly, i don’t really like being asked questions about myself which is hilarious considering my current state

111: A question you hate being asked?

see above 

112: Ever been bitten by a spider?

i don’t think so

113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach?

yes

114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days?

cloudy

115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now:

pass

116: Favorite cloud type:

the ones that look like clouds

117: What color do you wish the sky was?

idk honestly

118: Do you have freckles?

yes i hate them

119: Favorite thing about a person:

sense of humor

120: Fruits or vegetables?

fruit

121: Something you want to do right now:

die

122: Is the ocean or sky prettier?

sky

123: Sweet or sour foods?

sour

124: Bright or dim lights?

dim

125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature?

not really tbh

126: Something you hate about Tumblr:

everything

127: Something you love about Tumblr:

the sense of camaraderie i guess 

128: What do you think about the least?

probably what i’m going to do with my life

129: What would you want written on your tombstone?

don’t worry about me, because i say that a lot

130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now?

myself

131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself?

i don’t really love anything

132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures?

no

133: Computer or TV?

computer

134: Do you like roller coasters?

no

135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness?

yes

136: Are your ears lobed or attached?

attached

137: Do you believe in karma?

yes

138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are?

0139: What nicknames do you have/have had?

al, alex, allie, pinhead larry

140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends?

probably

141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink?

yes

142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others?

i’d say i’m pretty shit so

143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help?

giving

144: What makes you angry

everything

145: How many languages do you speak fluently?

just english

146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries?

girls and nbs tbh

147: Are you androgynous?

i guess

148: Favorite physical thing about yourself:

my arms i guess

149: Favorite thing about your personality:

nothing

150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person.

just you 

151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose?

death

152: Do you like BuzzFeed?

i like taking the stupid quizzes and seeing the lists of cool/useless shit to buy

153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.]

don’t have one

154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons?

depends on who it is

155: Do you like to play with others’ hair?

also depends

156: What embarrasses you?

everything

157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious:

also everything

158: Biggest lie you have ever told:

probably something about me being fine

159: How many people are you following?

870

160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)?

114,727

161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)?

0162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)?

5628

163: Last time you cried and why:

yesterday, something my dad said to me

164: Do you have long or short hair?

short although it’s getting shaggy

165: Longest your hair has ever been:

a little past my shoulders

166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon?

i have neutral feelings because sometimes people just need to believe in something to feel safe/happy and if it doesn’t hurt anyone else then i don’t mind

167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created?

nope

168: Do you like to wear makeup?

nope

169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds?

hell no

170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully?

mostly

[ts-indonesia]

JESS’ RESPONSES

Owen’s Responses.

So first of all, Owen, you are a player who I respect so much and are arguably one of the best to play these games. I can see why you might see my game as unsatisfying because I’m not an incredibly flashy “in your face” player and I try my best to adapt to the tone of the game. Making big moves, being “unpredictable” and voting outside of my alliance, amongst other things were just not what I saw fit for my game and ultimately was not something I thought would help my path to Final Tribal Council. I can see how from an outside perspective how that might seem boring and unsatisfying but it is what best suited me.

My friendship with Trent was definitely something that blossomed throughout this game. Us knowing of each other definitely made it easier to form a connection 100%. The same can be said with a lot of people in this game. I would argue that you and I had the same thing happen to us. We knew of each other before the game and because of that it made it easier for us to talk. At the end of the day I still had to trust a complete stranger. There were several times I didn’t necessarily completely trust Trent but I knew for my own personal game it was best for him to stick around because I saw him as less of a threat.

Throughout this game I’ve made several difficult decisions which could also be linked with decisions that were unexpected at the time. Most notably the two hardest decisions I had to make in this game (and probably ever) was voting out both Michael and Olivia. They were both two people I got to know throughout the game and arguably two of the people who played the hardest, smartest, and the best this game. However, I knew if I wanted a fighting chance at the end I couldn’t be sitting next to one or both of them at the end. I had to separate friendship and game which is something I’ve been known to struggle with in the past (ex: Alyssa’s shadow).

Two examples of times I did something unexpected in this game are similarly the final 5 and final 4 votes. I don’t think anyone expected me to ever go against Michael and Olivia as we had grown close and were arguably seen as a trio throughout the game. However, they were both giant players and obvious threats to win and I truly believe they may had every intention of sitting with me in the end. However, I knew that if I sat next to them in the end I had no shot and positioned myself in the middle to allow me the chance to take a shot when I could.

Honestly, the hardest part of this game was dealing with all of the uncertainties that come along with Tumblr Survivor. With “mysterious” torches, idols, advantages, and plotting & scheming I’m pretty sure I need to go see a therapist after this game. In all seriousness, the final 7 vote was probably the hardest part of the game I dealt with in terms of this uncertainty. With my name being thrown around legitimately for the first time in the game, throwing votes at Anabel for an insurance policy, last minute scrambles, and the aftermath I was a basket of nerves. I’m typically a very anxious and paranoid person so these games typically amplify this and cause my head to spin in a bunch of different directions which is a struggle.

--

Leigh's answer

Leigh, honestly I agree with you I am a very annoying player to play with. I think one of the only non-annoying things about me would be my “investment” towards the game. I was at every tribal, I was around for challenges, and was “active” within the game.

--

LorelEI'S answer

First of all, as a person OUTSIDE of the game I want to say I hope everything is looking up for you in your personal life.

Honestly, I regret making that joke/pun with your name. It was meant to be a fun “world-play” with your name but I can see now that it could be seen as a defamatory to your character so I apologize. As a person you are amazing and I think EVERYONE can agree that you were a bright spot to this game.

Personally, at the time I did it because I believed you were withholding information from me. I was told by Trent what your plan for the vote was earlier in the day and when I asked you hours later.. you said you didn’t “hear” anything. Ultimately, I believed Trent so I just was hurt because of all the reasons you listed above because I truly enjoyed getting to know as a person and was excited at the potential to work with you going forward.

In my opinion, I believe that Trent deserves to be the Sole Survivor. He’s been invested into this game from day 1, he’s had his hands in a lot of the activities in this game, and from my own perspective as someone who has worked with him closely, he’s navigated this game to the best of his abilities.

--

Chris O's answer

Hey Chris O! This obviously isn’t an EASY question to answer. From my own perspective, I believe the three jurors who played worst given the various circumstances and conditions of this game were Stoner, yourself, and Leigh.

I’ll start off with Stoner. In my opinion Stoner’s downfall was his fake idol. For rounds he teased and suggested he had an idol which made it kind of unbelievable that he wouldn’t have used it already. He also scrambled way too hard the round he went for someone with an idol in his pocket. When in reality if he had an “idol” he would have tried not to burn bridges for the next round and he did the opposite by leaking everything he heard to others.

Chris, I respect your unwavering loyalty in this game but in my opinion, I also think it was a major part of your downfall. Because you were very transparent about who you trusted I believe people may have thought (I know I did) that they were always going to be low in comparison to other people (Stoner, Leigh) on your “Trust hierarchy”. In my opinion, people in games are self-serving and want to know what you can do for them rather than knowing that there is a risk they’ll come third at best.

Leigh. Honestly, I think she had the potential to be a force in this game but her downfall literally was asking to be voted out of the game. Simple as that.

--

Matt's answers

Having a past game to draw experience from and “experiment” with is one of the big advantages returning players have in these games. In my previous game, I guess you can say I was a “passenger” thinking I was the “pilot” or even a “co-pilot”. As the host said best “You knew how to get the end but not what it took to win at the end”.

So, obviously coming into this game I made a few adjustments. I didn’t want the same thing to be said about me this game so I started playing the game from the very beginning. I made sure I had a pulse on what was happening in the game which I did my last game. Drawing from my past experience, I knew the best way to have game awareness.... was to be able to see from all sides of the game. I knew from the past the best way to know most things that were going on were through someone on the “other side” aka: the newbies. By doing this I wasn’t just limiting my knowledge, I was expanding it to a whole other tribe. I did so by aligning with the so called “Queen and King of the Newbies” (Trent’s words not mine). We could cross-reference but most importantly, I would have eyes on a side that I might not have had otherwise. That’s how I knew you were plotting against me at Final 7. I was told by a couple of newbies.

I also was docked in the end for not cutting my best friend in the game who was a clear favourite to win. I knew from Guyana, that I couldn’t let the same mistake happen twice. This game I wasn’t afraid to make big moves even if it meant cutting a friend at the end. Did I do it the right way: no. I obviously still have some learning to do in that department. But at least this time I can sit at the end and say I wasn’t afraid to do something I was in the past.

This may sound a little repetitive but this game I actually made sure I had something on my resume at the end to avoid that same result. I made tough calls that I couldn’t in the past to ensure I had a better chance at winning at the end and avoiding the same result. I was a little less fearful with how I played the game and took some risks I probably wouldn’t have in the past. I would have never cut a friend, won a couple of immunities, and most importantly I positioned myself in the middle so this time I wasn’t being taken to the end to be beaten, I was taking the two people I think I could beat at the end.

There were actually a few amazing moments in this. I think my first was when Anabel during a Nuchaya tribe told everyone she found a serial killer hot. It was random and unexpected and honestly still makes me laugh to this day.

My second favourite moment in this game was the whole furry exchange between Lorelei and Foxxx during One World. Knowing the whole time Foxx was indeed a furry, Lorelei basically dragging fury’s while Foxx was still right there... literally killed me.

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Olivia's responses

Olivia, this is going to be a long message because I have so much to say and apologize for so buckle up.

I’m going to start off by saying sorry. You might not accept this or even believe this now or even after this game is over but I truly have felt bad every moment since you left because of the way I handled everything. I knew I fucked up almost instantly when my intentions were just to get everyone to be open and honest with you. I wanted to start a movement that I thought no one else would participate in which was telling you the truth. When in reality, I should have looked in the mirror and took a real fucking hard look at myself in that moment. I shouldn’t have strung you along especially for the couple of hours in final 4 I did but honestly, I didn’t have the heart to tell you. I was a coward and felt like a piece of shit. I knew how much you had invested into this game and when you shared your personal story I didn’t know how to respond other than with the honest truth. Everything I said in private was true and genuine and if you allow me I will still be there for you afterwards if you allow me to. Adding in the game part was just mindless of me and looking back I can see how that made all of what I said seem like a fake ass bitch. I can admit I get too wrapped up in these games and in that moment, I had a blunder. Despite what it might look like in this game, I play these games to make friends and to meet new people. Rather than use the game as a vehicle to make friends I made it the focal point of our friendship at the end so for that I’m truly sorry.

I know I didn’t play the most truthful and honest game. I know there were times where I took it too far. In the beginning, I honestly had every intention of sitting next to you at the end. That was 1000% true. Then towards the end of the game at around Final 7 I knew there was a high chance at the end you were going to win. I think we both know if I sat next to you in the end I was getting crushed. You had relationships with people I didn’t have (Matt), you were well liked by the jury, and you could beat me in a competition.

Did what I do to you happen to me in the past? Of course. But that’s part of the reason why I couldn’t sit next to you in the end. I didn’t want to sit next to my best friend again who obviously played a much better game than me and lose again.

Regarding this whole “premade” rumour, I can honestly say I never once interacted individually with Trent once before the start of this game. At the end of the game I’ll prove it but for now you are just going to have to take my word for it. Are we a part of the same circle of friends? yes. But so are Owen and I. I still had to work with someone who I’ve never played with in the past just like I had to do with others.

To answer your questions.

Am I still scared? Always. Final Tribal Council is a very scary place to be. You are under a microscope and it is extremely overwhelming.

I personally can’t justify my actions.

I’m not gonna sit here and bullshit you and say I didn’t fuck up when I did. I’ve had days to reflect and think about everything that happened and honestly, I can admit I did a shitty thing. At the beginning of the game I wanted with sit with you at the end just purely based on the friendship we began to build. But I had a reality check/moment of clarity and knew you couldn’t next to me for me to win. I didn’t know how to tell you or handle hurting someone I genuinely began a friendship with so I retreated. I shouldn’t have strung you along that hard at the end. I have no excuse there. I messed up. I’m sorry.

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Stoner's answer?

Hey Stoner. So first things first, I know it was a unnecessary to string you along for as I did in the game. But even though I believed about 90% that you didn’t have an idol, there was always that 10% I had in the back of my mind. I didn’t want you tip you off and be the victim of an idol play so I had to string you along. I’m sorry.

Now to your questions:

I know there’s a lot of mixed feelings about the gameplay of the final 3 especially since I’m here to tell you all why I played better than the other two finalists. But on the flip side.. I can see how it might come off cocky. My bad.

I know the predictable move to explain here is the Olivia vote but I think the biggest move was how I positioned myself throughout this game, specifically within the two subdivisions “The Flying Monkey’s”. From an outsider perspective, I can see how it’s not on paper your “classic move” but I believe moves can be subtle and about influence. Without my “middle woman” role working to keep things tight.. it might have self-imploded final 7 and you could have very well been sitting in my seat right now.

I was able to do so by keeping tabs on “both sides” of this alliance, feeding them each other’s tea, and knowing each and every person’s possible issues about the alliance. I made everyone feel safe with me and included in every decision that was made. I knew for my very own benefit that having this alliance going forward was the best thing for my game. They were 4 people who wanted to protect me (See final 7 vote) were 4 people I trusted. I might have not been the driving force of any of the votes in this alliance but I was at very least 2nd in command and votes never went in a way that I didn’t see as beneficial to me.

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Isaac's!

This was literally harder than I thought it would be grhebfgshx. I’m sorry in advanced for my shit songs. I know like two songs, ever.

1. “BDE” by Queen Herby: Lorelei Lorelei is unapologetically herself and honestly, I think this song reflects her BDE (Big Dick Energy).

2. “Love on Top” by Beyoncé: Owen TBH when I think of Owen I think of this big loveable personality that everyone loves and who doesn’t love Beyoncé

3. (It took everything in me NOT to use an Afroman song tqefascrgwd) Stoner: “NO HALO” by BROCKHAMPTON. He’s such a chill guy at the end of the day and I think his song choice should reflect that. This is also a bop so..

4. “IDGAF” bye Dua Lipa: Leigh. She’s unapologetic about her thoughts and could give a fuck what anyone thinks about it so #respect. This was the first song that comes to mind.

5. “MOOO!” by Doja Cat: Isaac. Honestly Isaac you are probably one of the WEIREST (in the best way possible) people I’ve ever met... and I think you deserve a song that reflects that energy.

6. “Uptown Girl” by Billy Joel: Chris O. You are a classy dude and I think you deserve a classic song.

7. “Titanium feat. Sia” – David Guetta: Olivia. Knowing a bit more about you now I know you’re a resilient queen. So why not have a song all about being “bulletproof”?!

8. “Black Betty” by Ram Jam: Matt. Now hear me out. Matt is an overall gent but he has a feisty side.

9. “Only Girl (In The World) by Rihanna: Michael. Rihanna is the queen of big personalities and not giving a single fuck and I think that’s Michael in a nutshell.

FINAL 3 (because why not?) “John Wayne” by Lady Gaga: Anabel. She has a crazy obsession with Serial Killers but she’s also a crackhead and this song is kind about being a crackhead for live.

“Confident” by Demi Lovato: Trent. The guy is the most confident/unfazed person I’ve ever met in a game before. RGHADSHX.

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Michael’s question.

By definition the “ultimate” Sole Survivor is someone who has excelled in each aspect of “Outwit, Outlast, Outplay”. I know my game might not be perfect on paper and some people might argue it didn’t excel very much, but I do at the end of the day think I played better than both Anabel and Trent (although I adore them both deeply).

From the start, I put my heart and soul (although some people might not think I have one) into this game. I spent hours on immunities and won the most immunities to ensure I was safe and others weren’t... which put a target on my back. Socially speaking, I had a pulse on this game and strong connections. I kept information flowing to everyone and was always someone who had some exclusive tea to spill. I knew each different way a vote could go, I knew about idols (fun fact: Anabel didn’t know about Trent’s) and I knew that a large part of the reason I was kept around and was given the title of “Most Trusted” was because I was a resource. My relationships were strong enough that I wasn’t disposable in a vote and I was never a “plan b”. I think that showed with the number of votes I was received all game. A large part of what sets me apart from the other finalists is... I wasn’t relying on a majority to tell me what to do because I had an active part in the final decisions in the majority. If everything fell apart, I knew I had options. I put myself in the middle of the alliance to allow me the flexibility to sway in a way I wanted to. When time came down to it I had two groups of people who wanted me at the end with them and fought for me to stay in final 7. When push came to shove, I wasn’t afraid to make tough decisions such a taking big strategic and social threats like yourself if it meant I was giving myself a better chance at the end. So at the end of the day, I have some things to learn and grow from here but I always put myself in a position that was best for me and did what I thought was best.