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#i really thought I'd just find tickets over time closer to the event like that's how I've done several concerts but then i looked and saw
sheerioswifties · 1 year
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#so today i broke down and fully cried over realizing the reality that i probably won't be able to go see Taylor on this tour#and i felt so stupid for it like crying over not getting to see a concert seems so trivial and i mean so many reasons but like#and like i don't cry much anymore like I've been through and am in so much pain and horrible stuff constantly and so much stress and trauma#but I've built up strength to not cry over those things like if i did I'd just be crying nonstop so i channel my emotions into trying to#solve the problems and like still I'm so unbelievably stressed but like also as an empath i feel everything really deeply but usually lately#the things that make me cry are more like sweet animal rescue videos acts of kindness touching stories or really deeply inspirational or#relatable things in books etc but so like I'm like mad at myself for crying over this but#i checked the stubhub like prices for what tix are going for and it's fucking over 500 a pop for nosebleeds i just#it's infuriating the scalping and how many hard core fans are unable to go bc of that but rich ppl who aren't really fans i just. 1000 bucks#for 300 level is just no I'm sorry that's not ever gonna happen and i just#i really thought I'd just find tickets over time closer to the event like that's how I've done several concerts but then i looked and saw#that and I'm like oh my god and that's before fees and then there's the gas to get there the repairs that need to be done to the car to get#there all the other fees involved and in realizing oh my god like I've been overconfident and now i don't see a way and I'm so sad and i#just broke down its i know iy seems stupid but first this feels like something that might not happen again anytime soon if ever the way the#world is going out could be last chance and rep tour was the first time I'd been able to see Taylor to begin with and the experience was SO#amazing it's like the one thing i looked forward to this year that lifted me up in really dark times and again i feel shitty when there's so#many fans who never get to see her international too i just. I'm sorry I'm just like this breaks my heart on levels and like#i hate how money dictates everything i hate that i went to eds last tour tickets in the same venue were 30 DOLLARS and even the Taylor ones#i think were like 75 and now it's so high bc only scalping it's so fucked up and like I'm already in a really bad hole money wise bc of#an emergency issue that happened and I've got some scary medical things going on waiting on tests and having trouble with rent and food and#gas so like i can't even try to be like. you know? like justify trying to save up that much even when i got all this#i just.
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yuellii · 5 months
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“ Would I have the honor to invite you for dinner? There's a banquet held by someone I don't know. I'd say it would be lavish of us if we don't enjoy it. ” — tennant / gn reader
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“A rose for you,” she presents. And that slow, deep rumble of her voice sends a shiver that stirs your attention.
There is a tremor in such a thing, one that overshadows your body when she leans standing over your chair. Perhaps it was her hat, and the way it hovered over your heads; Or perhaps it was the large coat hanging off her shoulders, and how it created this air of mystery around her figure. But even a tremor so lightweight caused you to nearly choke on your drink when she presents you such a fresh rose out of nowhere.
“Tennant,” you name, though it was not your intent to carry slight distaste in your voice. Similarly, you couldn’t help but lean back against your chair to avoid her close proximity. “I don’t believe you were invited here at tonight’s banquet.”
She hums. “I see you aren’t one to fall for lowly, cheap tactics, my lord,” she says disappointedly, yet there is an baritone of amusement that flows through the air of her lips. “I thought that surely, you’d be flattered enough to allow me as your plus-one. What can I do to please you, should roses not suffice? Another drink? Perhaps a diamond?”
Along her string of words, she finds her place on the seat next to yours at the banquet table. Ah, that cannot do. These seats were already reserved before the event, and it was only a matter of time until the rest of your table attendees arrived as well.
“The people here,” you sighed, “They’ll no longer fall for your trickery, I fear.”
A refusal enough on your part—you could only hope she got the message. Her offers of wealth and of diamonds were only scams, and you came to know that very well. But when she merely scoffed, you only groaned to remind yourself just how persistent this mad woman can be.
( Especially, with you. )
“I’m shocked!” she expresses with a dramatic hand over her heart. There is a feigned hurt in her voice, but the way she holds back a smirk is very apparent. “Would you really think so lowly of me?” And at this, she leans closer to you by the dimly lit table side, feeling all-the-more suffocated at her nearing proximity. Damn this woman. “A kind gentleman would not bestow any trickery,” she says, as if you’ve spoken the most absurd words in the world. “And I believe that I am above a gentleman who would offer fake diamonds, wouldn’t you agree?”
You roll your eyes. “Asking me to agree with you is like asking me to marry a corrupted congressman.”
She smiles, attractively so. “This is why I like you…” her voice trails. She tilts her head, leaning it downwards to the side and then looks up at you. “You’re a glowing luxury”—her words are muttered with barley contained excitement, practically breathless—“perfect for deceiving the likes of this greedy, greedy nobles around us.”
There is a question left unspoken in the way she gazes so enticingly at you; half lidded eyes glowing red under the expensive lighting of this banquet. She was a feat of her own, already breaking into here in the first place. And now, she just needed you to officially invite her as your plus-one invitation. The best thing you could do was refuse her. But unfortunately, she has seemed to figure out your weakness by now.
“Stand up,” you sighed. “Let’s go get your ticket.”
There is a winning smile on her face.
When she stands, she moves forth to offer her arm to you. With the way you so naturally hold onto her, she feels a confidence at her confirmed guess: It was not a desire for roses, or diamonds, or any material thing that would win over your favor.
Rather, it was Tennant herself.
She grins to herself. Oh, she hopes she doesn’t break your poor heart.
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Love On-Set (Pt. 10 of 10)
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Pairing: Dacre Montgomery X Reader
Word count: 1.2 K
Summary: You knew acting on Stranger Things season 3 would be a challenge, and you also knew, from the start, you'd have to work closely with Dacre Montgomery. But is wasn't a big deal for you, since this is your job and you're determined to act professionally. You had it all figured out, or so you thought, until the moment you were out face to face with Dacre. Then, this job became a lot harder than it was supposed to be, since you can't seem to focus whenever you're around Dacre. And you'll have to be around him a lot until the end of production.
<- Previous part (09)
{Dacre Montgomery Masterlist}
{Stranger Things Masterlist}
×
What Comes Next...
The last three months have been hectic, in between shooting the last scenes of season three, the premiere, and the interviews that always follow. The Internet is going insane because not only Billy, one of the villains from season 2 changed and got a love interest, but you and Dacre, outside of the cameras, are together. The fans absolutely love it. But after the events and all the talk shows and YouTube channels wanting you both for a meeting, you had to call it out eventually and head back home.
It's not that you don't like it, the attention and the fans all rooting for your relationship, but you also like the private life, the one you get to share with Dacre alone, as well as your friends and families. But not everything is broadcasted. This moment is an example of that.
Seated on the sand, you watch the sun rising, casting its light on LA, lighting up the blue sky, mixed with the ocean ahead of you. Both your cellphones were left at your place, and the beach is empty. This moment belongs to you alone. Well, to you and the paparazzi that took a few pictures of you some minutes ago, but he's gone now.
“What are your plans after season four?” Dacre asks, his deep, strong voice being carried by the fresh morning wind.
Billy and Amy survived, unlike Hopper and Heather. It was a pleasant surprise you only found the day before shooting the last scenes of the Battle of Starcourt. And of course, you're already down for the next season, and everything you know so far is that Billy and Amy left with the Byers, and are now in an established relationship. The rest will only come when you get the script, which will take several months. “Uhm... Season five if the characters make it that far.”
“Uhm... And after that?”
Giving Dacre a glance, you wonder where he's going with this. Season four is only due to next year, and the production won't start in at least five or six months. “I don't know. Some studios are calling me but I'm not interested in the roles they have. What about you?”
“I'm thinking of holding to Stranger Things only.” He shrugs his shoulders, leaning closer to place a quick kiss on your lips. “Then I want to make a pause. Settle down, focus on my personal life.”
“Sounds good.” Raising an eyebrow, you can't help but ask. “And am I on this personal life thing?”
“Only if you want to.”
Blushing, you bite your lip. “Only if I want to.” You repeat, the wind suddenly stronger, messing with your hair. “I think I do, Mr. Montgomery.”
“There's something else I've been meaning to ask you.” His voice gets serious, and he pulls away so he can stare into your eyes.
“What is it?”
“I was thinking about going to Australia.” Dacre starts, holding your hand in his. “My family still lives there and I want to formally introduce you to them, not only through video calls. And there's a lot of places I'd love to show you.”
Oh... That's something. “I'd absolutely love to go, Dacre. Just tell me when and for how long.”
“That's the thing...”
“What's the thing?”
“I was thinking about staying there... Until the shooting for the next season starts.” There's insecurity in his voice and you know why. Dacre was only renting this house in LA because of the show, but his home is in Australia. “But honestly, going back there, and staying literally half a world apart from you is too much.”
“Yeah, I'd hate it too...” Holding your hair so it'll stay away from your face, you look at the ocean. “But this is... Something. I mean, I could rent a place near yours and–”
“We literally shared the hotel room, and now I either spend the days here or you stay at my place, so I guess that would go on for a few weeks until you decide to just stay with me.” Dacre has this cocky tone and a smirk, so you playfully punch his arm.
“Oh, don't tease me!” A small fight, filled with giggles start, as you try to slap him. But Dacre easily holds your arms, and suddenly, he pushes you down until you're lying down on the sand with him hovering above you. “I'll go with you.” You burst out because the possibility of not going didn't even cross your mind. “But only if you give me that amazing massage in the back after the flight because I know it takes like 48 hours to get there.”
“If we're lucky we can find a 24 hours flight.” When the wind pushes some hair over your face, Dacre moves it away before leaning down to kiss you, slow and passionate. “But yes, I'll give you all the massages you want when we get there.”
“You should really be more careful with the things you promise, sweetheart.” You tease, pushing him off of you. “So. When do we leave?”
“What about next week? Enough time to buy the tickets, pack everything, and to enjoy LA a little longer.”
“Speaking about enjoying LA...” Smiling, you stand up, taking off your shoes. “I'll go for a swim.”
“Babe... You can't swim.” Dacre keeps the half-smile as you walk backwards, eyes on him as you move closer to the water.
“Yes. I really wish I had a strong boyfriend to help me out but apparently–” You stop talking when he stands up, walking fast until he reaches you, and in a swift motion, he lifts you up, parting your legs so they'll be around his waist.
“You were saying..?”
Wrapping your arms around his neck, you giggle when the waves start hitting your back, soaking your clothes. “I was saying I do have a strong boyfriend.”
“Interesting how you change your mind so quickly.” You feel when his feet stop reaching the bottom, and the two of you just stand there, floating, and despite knowing you could die here, you feel safe with Dacre.
“It's gonna be amazing, you know... Australia. The two of us.” You mumble, a hand caressing his cheek. “I am quite scared of the wild animals they have there, but I know you'll protect me.”
“I sure will. I did save you from a freaking Mind Flayer, didn't I?”
Giggling, you nod. “That you did.”
With the calming waves surrounding you, you kiss him, deep and sweet. It tastes salty from the water, but soon enough the taste of his lips overcome everything. And it also tastes like promises, spoken and unspoken. And you know that wherever you are, here or on the other side of the world, you will be fine, and happy, and safe. With Dacre, you don't have to be afraid of what you feel anymore, you can just let it out. You can trust him with your whole heart.
×
@baker151910 @shinydixon @dreamin-of-dacre @hanoi15 @lickmymelaninn @foccus @multific @uncookspaget @kellysimagines @peakascum @thisbreakableheaven @nope-thanks
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steeltoss · 4 years
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Pre Shippuden — Shippuden Era
Ages 16 - 22. This is a continuation of the events in Hokkaido's life.
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Age 16
I left off on her six month mission in Konohagakure. Backtracking a few months before she turned sixteen, she worked directly under Tsunade Senju amd had slowly reconnected with her old friends, including Neji Hyūga, Kiba Inuzuka, Ino Yamanaka, Sakura Haruno, Shikamaru Nara, and Choji Akamichi.
That being said, her sixteenth birthday was spent in the Hidden Leaf. The party was small and planned by Ino, complete with a few cupcakes and dango. This was the first birthday she enjoyed after Emi passed away.
Speaking of Emi, Hokkaido constantly worried over Ichika and often wrote letters to the younger one. After all, next year Ichika would start the Amegakure Academy.
Aside from her mission, nothing too big happened this year. Though she found out Sasuke was missing. He had become a Rogue Ninja. Okay that's pretty big but still.
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Age 17
Upon her journey towards Amegakure after the six months had passed, the Kunoichi had taken it into her own hands to search for Sasuke. She strayed off the path she should have been taking to go to the Hidden Rain Village.
From here, she runs into some nasty company.
This was the first time she met Pein and Konan. And they looked like they were ready to end her.
Upon activating her sharingan, interest was sparked in her by Pein. She was spared on one condition. Well a few, but one big one.
She was to join the Akatsuki, accept the Rogue life and abandon her old life. This would mean abandoning the Hidden Rain and Ichika.
But on the other hand, maybe she could find Sasuke. She had no clue just how wrong she was. But she agreed nonetheless.
So she was taken back to the base, fron there, she met the other members.
Okay don't kill me but here's what happens when she first meets the Akatsuki: [her opinion and relationships will change over time]
Pein: Of course when they first met, she was intimidated and activated her sharingan, but being spared and hopefully brought closer to her brother, she would do anything he asked, for now at least.
Konan: Seeing her special skills, Hokkaido was intimidated but wouldn't admit so. She seems to be the only female here.
Deidara: I'm sorry Dei, but my little angel thought you were a very beautiful lady until you spoke the first time. Needless to say, she was rather shocked but admired his hair and explosives anyway.
Kakuzu: one word. Fear. This man is huge and crazy tall, also his personality reminds her of what its like to bite into a crabapple.
Hidan: she admired his dedication, but didn't like how he greeted her with “Fuck, there's another one? At least this one has a decent rack”. She punched him. And threatened his life only to find out he's immortal.
Tobi: well, he's very hyper and welcoming at least, but she wondered why he wore that mask.
Kisame: is he a man? Shark? Man-Shark? Either way, she kept a distance and admired his strength from afar.
Sasori: puppets are completely and utterly horrifying and she wanted nothing to do with this weird puppet man. Until she saw how red his hair was and her cheeks dusted a pale pink. It reminded her of someone she met a few years ago.
Itachi: . . . Her brother. Her brother, who had killed the clan was in the Akatsuki. Upon seeing him, she wondered if it was too late to leave the Akatsuki. She rurned her nose away and sighed.
Zetsu: “are you a. . . Big, adorable plant man?” i think it's safe to say Zetsu stared at her and quite possibly closed his trap around himself to save himself the embarrassment or black Zetsu threatening to eat her.
Back to Age 17
Sasuke wasn't with them, and she felt like shutting down completely. She was now at square one again. She had hoped this was her ticket to helping her brother, but ahe didnt know he didn't want help.
And honestly, you can't help someone who doesn't want any help.
Aside from her mind overworking, she now had to face Itachi as he was staring her down.
“hey, Itachi... ”
From there, the two walked around as he explained what really happened that day. She was torn. The Leaf had ordered this massacre?
Maybe she wasn't ready to go home after all.
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Age 18
On her eighteenth birthday, she had spent her very first one with Itachi in nine years, and she oncr again, was crying those sappy happy little tears.
She never really expected a group of terrorists to the villages to get her gifts, yet they had.
Konan had gotten her a pair of fingerless gloves; Hokkaido appreciated the gesture because her hands were usually cold and Konan usually got things she needed or wanted anyway as the two had become closer.
Kisame had given her her very first katana, which, she undeniably adored the gesture; and she was extremely pink cheeked, she wasn't in love with him but she really liked his caring and understanding attitude.
Tobi had gotten her a mask to match his, which she never would wear; instead, she retaliated with offering to share dango with him instead. Which results in him squealing.
Sasori had claimed he didn't give a damn about things she wanted but still placed a small wooden figure of well, GAARA, in front of her; which led to the idea he had read her diary and had fully embarrassed her. But this little figure was different. Gaara was dressed as the Kazekage.
Deidara had picked her up some paint; remembering she hsd spent endless nights she couldn't sleep to paint her ceilinv and walls, and was out of it.
Zetsu uh, well, gave her a few seeds for flowers. It was for a joke since he figured she would never use them, but she held o to them. Just wait. These gifts will be brought up later.
Kakuzu, and i can't stress this enough, didn't do shit.
Hidan, on the other hand, tried offering immortality if she converted to jashinism.
Itachi had saved his for last. He had gotten her a journal and pens, as well as her stuffed panda from Amegakure.
A part of being an official member of the Akatsuki meant missions. And she had completed several, but what made her panic would be the one where the hunt for Jinchuuriki began.
It was a silent battle with herself. She had already dedicated herself to the Akatsuki but she knew two Jinchuuriki. Gaara and Naruto.
The day Gaara's One Tail was extracted, she covered her mouth upon hearing those certain words.
“He's dead”.
As if she had been hoping her life wouldn't get worse, she had already made up her mind. She really, really despised Deidara now. And she knew she would be killed if she straight up abandoned post.
However, on her next solo mission, she managed to leave a scroll for the Hokage and wanted word passed silently between the Five Kage's. She was playing both sides as of now, but desperately wanted out.
Would they believe her?
No. Not yet at least.
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Age 19
Silence. She had succumbed herself with silence, almost like a vow she had taken. Deidara, Sasori, they were dead and war was coming.
She promised herself she would hate Deidara for what he did to Gaara, but she couldn't help but feel pity. Deidara was only a teenager when he died. [I think he was nineteen?]
With the Fourth Shinobi War coming, she was scared. Having no idea what to even do, Hokkaido assumed she would die.
Because I'm a lil bitch, I'm making you wait until she turns 20 for more details.
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Age 20
The Akatsuki was no more. Almost all had died, and Hokkaido felt a slight empty feeling in her heart as she sat in front of the Five Kage's.
This was judgement. Would she be allowed to repent and become a better person or be banished forever, or die? Her mind was going wild.
Though, she couldn't help the feeling of ease as she saw Gaara, the Kazekage and boy she used to know, standing and perfectly fine.
“During the time of my extraction, I could see she wanted nothing to do with the Akatsuki organization. She looked almost forced to be there”.
The words Gaara spoke made her face turn pink and look away. Why was he trying to help her when she had fallen into the wrong group of people?
As if she hadn't already felt like she had succumbed herself in a repetitive cycle of falling for Gaara each day she thought about it, him helping her only dragged her deeper into the pit.
And Kami, he was so beautiful.
“and I'd like to offer that if you don't trust her, that's fine. She can return to Suna with me and Kankurō. She can build herself from there”.
So she moves to Suna and begins working on herself as a person, much of the things she had thought about was the very questions Gaara had asked along the way.
“why help me?” she had asked, the gaze he gave her was hard but he responded with: “you aren't the only one who was in the wrong. It would be wrong of anyone to not let you change yourself. I was given a chance and was once feared and hated, so can you answer this for me, do you wamt to live? Do you want to start a new beginning? If so, keep walking with us”.
And so she walked.
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Age 21
Life in Suna was much different than the Hidden Rain or Leaf. Not many people would contact her or look her way for the first few days. After all she was an outsider and reformed terrorist.
Hokkaido had grown close to Temari once more, as well as Kankurō. These two, when free, helped her with the adjustment.
Hokkaido had left Amegakure behind, the ache in her heart subsiding as she realized Ichika had grown into a decent young child and chose to not become a shinobi, considering shinobi had too many hardships and heartaches to deal with.
As for Gaara, the two often spent time gardening and cultivating cacti.
Something from the past had finally been planted. The flower seeds Zetsu had given her way back on her birthday spent with the Akatsuki.
The katana that Kisame had given her was placed on a display.
Her Traditional Japanese Sword Display
The katana which is the most recognized full sized samurai sword and is often the first piece in any collection. It sits at the bottom and has a beautiful violet ito handle wrap.
The second would be the wakizashi which is a mid-sized sword that resembles the katana and the ito handle wrap was midnight blue.
Then the third which is a tanto. The tanto is the shortest of the swords or in many examples can be as short as today's standard survival styled knife. The ito wrap is black.
This is an example of how the stand is:
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Age 21
The mask Tobi had given her had brought up bitter memories and had long sense been tossed into a storage box.
Her fingerless gloves had been destroyed during the war, but since she used them for swordplay, Temari had gotten her a new pair as a gift.
The wooden figure Sasori had given her of Gaara was more or less embarassing since she lived with the sand siblings and had hidden it away in the storage box.
Her panda sat on her bed, displayed and untouched except for during the night.
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Age 22
Upon the next year, Hokkaido watched as relationships blossomed between many people, marriages and children coming into the world, she began wondering if she would ever have something like this in her own life. She highly doubted it.
Having been back and forth from Konohagakure, she grew closer to Shikamaru once more from childhood as she often joined the male and Temari on days they'd spend time together.
Other times, Hokkaido would stick to Kankurō and help with making puppets, she rather enjoyed painting them.
And occasionally, when Gaara was free, the two would still garden together and had began talking more, sometimes the two would even go out to the village and walk around together.
Her feelings for Gaara seemed to only hrow stronger as she had grown older, and she imagined herself having a future with him. It always made her heart hammer and her face turn blood red.
This year, she had cut most of her hair off to her shoulders as it had grown too long. She soon admits her feelings to Gaara, unsurprisingly, he was silent.
She most definitely assumed she blew it, but nearly a week later, Gaara had shyly asked if she would allow him to court her.
This was most definitely the beginning of a new and beautiful relationship.
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I'll pick up with pre boruto - boruto era soon. Though im not sure if these are even good. @temarihime @thefifthkazekage @how-troublesome @houndninja
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cannyouuhearmenoww · 5 years
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I Will Choose You Every Day
Making choices has never been my strong suit
Past events, friends, fights, attitudes, grades, weight can all testify to that
The problem is I'm always making choices for someone else
I'm always considering how what I do will effect those around me
And often I'm striving to please the wrong people
In recent years I've been better at looking out for me and my health, mentally and physically
When making changes one of two things can happen, either you fall right back into old habits or you tip the scale too far in the other direction
I fell back into the habit of being with someone who I needed to take care of
Then when I decided to let go and move on I jumped off the deep end of the other extreme
I became selfish
And I'm sorry you had to meet me that way
But loving you has brought me back to balance
For the first time I'm in love and being loved back by someone who can take care of themselves
As much as we joke and kid you could never get by without me, in reality we both know you'd thrive no matter what
And it's the most liberating feeling in the world to know you'd be fine without me but you still choose to be with me
I don't feel guilty for taking care of myself anymore because you support me unconditionally and you're not afraid to tell me if I've gone too far
You've shown me more patience than anyone else in your life and that's how I know loving me is not a fleeting romance for you
It's something real that you choose to work at every day
If I could go back and change the things I've said and done out of selfishness I would
I wouldn't have made you hear about him, I would've trashed all those pictures, I would have told my friends about you, I would have declared my love for you proudly, I would have heard you out instead of saying no just to say no
I would've never made you doubt this was as real for me as it is for you
I can't change the past but I can tell you the truth
The truth I thought would make me vulnerable, needy, and pathetic
The truth you've never been afraid to share with me
I'm choosing to share it with you now
Bryan, I started falling in love with you from our first encounter
(Well actually even before that)
From the minute I saw you enter orientation I thought you were so handsome
You had a smile that lit up the whole room
And a laugh that was absolutely intoxicating to hear
I don't know if you even realize it, but you have a magnetism about you that draws people in with your charm and charisma and I felt it right away
You were the first non administrator to greet me in the lunchroom
You came right up without any hesitation
Knowing you as well as I know you now I know you'll laugh when I tell you how nervous you made me
I tried to keep a cool and calm composer but I'm sure my blushed face and shaky words were a dead give away
I wanted to take your invitation, I really did, but I couldn't get up the courage to
I was so scared I'd go with you and I'd make a bad first impression on you and everyone else because I was so shy and nervous
So I went with the safe bet and stuck with the people who were just as scared and nervous as I was
It was the cowardly thing to do and I beat myself up over it for weeks after that
But you gave me hope I hadn't completely messed up because in the computer lab you included me in conversation and even offered a tour for the new people
I admired (and envied) your confidence and for the first time in that new and scary place I felt safe and it was with you
Our following encounters were meaningless in the most meaningful ways
You would help out in our class to do puzzles, projects, and games and bring excitement to otherwise monotonous days
I found myself eagerly looking towards the door at the sound of the handle turning hoping it would be you
And feeling disappointment in the pit of my stomach when I didn't see your face
Based on our personalities it is no surprise you were the first one to suggest activities that involved spending more time together like going to pick up lunch
When you asked if I'd be interested in dressing up together for Halloween you made me feel like somebody for the first time in a while
I felt special, you had friends who wanted you to dress up with them and of all those people you wanted to do something with me
A girl you barely knew (who often gave you a lot of attitude because she didn't know how to flirt with you to save her life)
For the first time since I had started that job 2 months earlier I was excited on my way in that morning
I knew it was going to be a fun day, and not because of any activities, but because I knew I had a reason to spend more time with you
I had no idea how hard that day was going to be for you
I knew you received failing test results the night before but it was not until later on that I would find out the magnitude of what that truly meant to you
I was impressed by how you kept a brave face on through everyone asking and offering condolences and suggesting you'd have better luck next time
I remember wanting to say more about it but knowing it wasn't my place
When you asked me to go out with you after work I don't think I could have said yes fast enough
Which was surprising to me because normally the thought of going out alone with someone I barely knew would leave me riddled with anxiety
But instead I found myself smiling at the thought of having all of your attention on me
Sitting there at the bar with you I knew that was it for me
The conversation flowed so naturally, my face hurt from laughing and smiling so much
Everything about it felt natural; confiding in you, sitting close to you, letting time pass with you
On the night after your birthday, a night that was supposed to be celebrating you, you chose to take me out for drinks and then to the haunted house I wanted to go to so bad
When we arrived I was admittedly more scared than I thought I would be but being with you kept me calm
I trusted you so much even as acquaintances
Here I was at a haunted house, with a guy I barely knew (but was very interested in), dreading going home to a boyfriend who loved me but even at our best never made me feel this alive
The chemistry I felt when I grabbed your arm was undeniable, I didn't want to let go but I knew I had to
I hated saying goodbye to you that night
I hated the uncertainty of what that night meant to you
I was left pleasantly surprised when you messaged me on Instagram that night (we still hadn't even exchanged numbers yet)
I remember my face lighting up when I get your message and being so excited to tell my family about the time I had spent with you
And they called it right away, they could tell my heart was beating for you a mile a minute, and they feared what my next choice would be
Just 2 nights later we went out again, this time you wanted to introduce me to your best friend
As a girl, meeting a guy's female best friend, is probably one of the most nerve racking experiences because girls can be brutal
But once again you proved I was safe with you and you never left my side the whole evening
We were at a table with a group of other people in an overcrowded bar and yet somehow it felt like we were the only 2 people in the world
From there came the nonstop messages, the never ending conversation
I would struggle to stay awake at night to talk to you and wake up excited to see what message I would have waiting for me in the morning
I was absolutely addicted to conversing with you, we could talk about anything
TV, movies, music, friends, family, school, philosophies, anything
You were my best friend
Weekends became the hardest part, during the week work was an excuse to see you and get together after but I wanted reasons for to see you more
I remember buying our Silverstein convert tickets and counting down days on my calendar to Brittany's engagement party
I remember it became harder with every passing day to keep lying to the people in my life about you
I chose to keep you a secret, I chose to try to continue my life's status quo and in doing that I chose to hurt you
I was selfish, I didn't want anything to ruin what we already had going and I didn't want to fully commit to what we were so clearly becoming
My poor choices caught up to me the first day I went to your house
On the drive to your house (from North Plainfield) I remember thinking about how much I had missed you over the past couple days and how much I would miss you for the week you'd be away
Now at this point I knew I liked you, and I wanted you, but I had no idea I was going to leave that night in love with you
You greeted me at the door with my favorite wine, you showed me to your room and put on your favorite movie
You told me why it was your favorite and I let your every word pull me closer and closer to you until we were merely inches away
You ordered us food, we did our normal amount of bantering and laughing and I knew I could do this with you every day for the rest of my life
You took me out for dessert and showed me all the places in Montclair you'd like to take me one day
We saa at the bar with question cards in hand, making light of the cheesy blind date game on the counter
As questions passed our answers became more involved and you said something I'll never forget
We were talking about why you went into physical therapy, you told me stories of how you've seen physical therapy change people's lives
You said "all I want to do is make a difference, I want to help people in any way I can, so I chose a career that would allow me to help people physically and mentally"
Those words stood out to me because that's all I had ever wanted since I got into psychology and nutrition and fitness
I wanted to help people feel as good as they can, and if I can have a positive influence on even one person in my life I will have succeeded in that goal
Having the same hopes, goals, values, and dreams as someone is rare
I knew you were something special, you could never be just a friend
When we got back to your house I could have chosen to go home
You could have chosen to ask me to leave
But instead to invited me in and I said yes
We repositioned ourselves on your bed but this time I couldn't bear to waste anymore time away from you
I took a chance you felt the same way and would be okay with my resting my head on your shoulder
I felt discouraged when you didn't immediately wrap me up in your arms, but I knew you were being respectful of my situation
Eventually I wore you down and for the first time we laid together, body to body, breathing in unison
You were excited to tell me about your favorite show and I was excited to see you so happy
It took almost 2 hours but you finally got up the courage to tilt my chin up towards you and bring our lips together
I felt catatonic shock, like there was an electric charge running through my veins
I felt all the hair on my body stand up and tensed up muscles begin to melt and relax
I wanted to keep going but I chose to stop because that moment validated everything I felt towards you was real
I drove home that night with my head spinning determined to use your time away to as a chance to clear my head
All my thoughts revolved around you, and even after our conversation about how you felt towards me, I once again made the cowardly decision to put off making a choice between you and him
I started cluing in my friends and family about what had happened and they were not happy with me
I had once again made a choice that disappointed everyone so I decided in that moment to be selfish
I kept doing what I was doing because it was making me happy without considering what I was doing to you
When you got back I knew things were different between us
You took me to dinner and museum in the city, by an standards a romantic date, and I was cold and distant
I felt guilty over my difficulty to make a choice
But you never faultered, you stayed positive, and continued to work to win me over
Then came the engagement party, an event I had so been looking forward to since you had invited me
I got my hair done the way you suggested and agonized over what to wear to impress you
As the alcohol continued to flow we got more and more comfortable putting our hands on one another and I was overly excited to go home with you
You held my hand for the first time in the car and once we got in bed you grabbed my face, with more force than before
You kissed me without stopping
I kissed you back and in that moment I had never wanted someone so bad in my life
But even with my head clouded with desire the little voice of guilt returned and I knew I couldn't go through with it, not like this
I made the choice to say no and I knew that made you feel unwanted and I'm sorry
I knew I would not be able to say no forever, not even for a week
The following week you planned a special date for us, because once again you were not ready to give up on me
You took me to medeveal times, another place I wanted to go, and showed me a real date could be like with someone you click with
I knew that would be our night
I knew this time if you made a move I wouldn't say no
I knew you'd make a move
I felt the same electric charge of desire and excitement as the first time we kissed
With you body pressed against mine I knew you had been lusting over the thought of this encounter
You made me feel pleasure I had never felt before and with our bodies together as one for the first time I fell deeper in love with you
I didn't want that night to end, I didn't want to return to my reality of still having to choose
My choice was clear but I was still so scared to take the jump with you
I knew as time passed I had to act soon or I'd lose you forever
With that thought in my head I officially chose you the day I said goodbye to him
I said I wanted time to myself but that was a lie, I wanted you, but I didn't want you to doubt my feelings
I didn't want to scare you away with the notion that you were only a rebound
I wanted you, I chose you, I was committed to making it work with you
I think we were both in a state of euphoria when we were finally free to be together
I spent every night with you over winter break
But reality hit us as hard as my back hit the mountain on our snowboarding trip
I couldn't put a label on us because I was scared of what people would think and I was choosing to please them over you
I was still talking to you as only a friend when you deserved my respect as a partner
I made a lot of my mistakes that first month that I wish I could take back
Happiness was finally back in our lives when we chose our special day and that high carried us to Valentine's day
I took you for granted that day and I'm sorry
Even though we smiled through most of the evening I'll never forget the fight that ensued upon arriving home
For the first time I was scared of really losing and there was nothing I could say because all your complaints were true
I wasn't treating how I'd treated others and you deserved better because you were the best thing that had ever happened to me
I promised to be better but the lingering resentment only led to more fights
There was one week in March I was convinced that would be it
You were upset with how I ignored your friends in the halls, shared secrets that were meant to stay between us and made you question if I was truly in this with you
I was being selfish
That was a rock bottom for me
I knew I had to change
I knew everything you were telling me was for my own good, not for selfish motives
I know I'm not perfect now but I hope you see how far I've been trying to come for you
I hope you know I'm here for better and for worse
I hope you know any future involving you would make you happy
I'm done being selfish
I'm choosing you always
I know making these choices was what was best for us because this time spent with you since then has been the happiest of my life and I mean that sincerely
And all I could think of at the wedding cerey the other night was the vows I would write to you
I would vow to support you no matter what, with work, with your test, with you furthering your coaching and education, I'd be here for it
I would vow to always be loyal to you above everyone else because you are the most important person in my life
I would vow to be honest with you, no matter how hard that may be or how scared I may be to do so
I would vow to always be the best person I can be because you deserve no less, and even if I suck at taking criticism I'd do my best to hear you out always
I would vow to respect you always, I would give you space when you ask for it and always speak to you as my equal and never question your feelings
I would vow to love you, whether it be through words or actions
Most importantly I would vow to choose you, to wake up every day and never be afraid to let the world know that I am yours and you are mine because you have given me the courage I have always lacked
And even though marriage is a long way away, I vow these to you now
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I love you more than anything Bryan
I choose you as I always have and I always will ❤️
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