#i respect the hell out of people who feel pain every single day and still get out of bed in the morning

[leftmysoulbythesideoftheroad]

i don’t like taking medicine + i have adhd, and i forget that over the counter meds even exist. so when i do take something like midol for my cramps because they’re so bad i can’t stop thinking about it, it feels like fucking magic. like i just swallow these little guys, and 20 minutes later, i feel perfectly fine. my hips have stopped aching, i don’t feel like i’m going to throw up any more, my body can actually relax. it feels like i just took a health potion from a video game. and it’s silly because i always have this option but i almost never use it, and i don’t think most people even put this much thought into it. but i think about all the ways people who had periods have found methods to reduce suffering over the centuries, and it took so much testing and knowledge being passed down over the generations, and now i can just take a little pink pill and feel so much better. those remedies still exist, and they work, but not everyone has that knowledge passed onto them. how nice is it that people who were afab don’t have to struggle to find a method that works when there’s no one in their life to turn to? how wonderful that we don’t have to be in pain, and how excited our ancestors would be to see how easy it is for us. i didn’t mean to get all serious about this, but yeah. magic.

(*all of this applies to people like me who can take some midol when the pain is too much. it doesn’t work for everyone, and some have much more pain than others. i am not discounting those people, only speaking to my own and similar experiences. i hope everyone who suffers on their period can find a way to lessen the pain; we all deserve to be comfortable.)

[skittlespizza]

Ram from Re:Zero has to be one of my favorite portrayals of disability, I haven't gotten to Arc 6 but my friend showed me the part where it's displayed what Ram feels all the time and holy shit. Do I feel that.

Apparently a lot of people don't even realize Ram is a diaabled character, looking it up online leads to very very little about her as disabled rep. So I'll say it here. Ram is an amputee (her horn) who has Chronic Pain & Chronic Fatigue. She is disabled.

As someone who has such dehabiltating chronic pain, I have to use mobility aids almost every single day, Ram literally displays a condition like that in spades. This might be a bit of a nonsensical 3-AM type ramble but she's on my mind.

I tend to lose patience quicker than other people because of my body aching all the time and Ram, being the sassy, kinda bitchy asshole really fits this feeling as a disabled person. When you're in constant pain of course you're grouchy and it's a lot easier to let out that grouchiness in a playful way. I don't know if this was purposeful but either way it really really works. We need more mean disabled characters tbh.

Next is her being "useless." Subaru makes fun of her for not doing anything, and she takes the teasing in good fun. However, if/when Subaru takes it too far, the people who care about her are willing to stand up for her. Ram is disabled, she has little to no energy, she literally can't clean because it's exhausting and tiring and painful. I can relate to that as well, hell, I go to a special school because I am too tired and in too much pain to do normal amounts of schoolwork. So Ram being unable to do things like clean and cook, but still being valued speaks so much to disabled people who can't function alone!

Ram needing treatment every night... god. Having to take medication every single day as a disabled person is exhausting and forgetting to take it just once completely dehabilitates you. Ram needing treatment every night is literally the equivalent to magical daily medication.

Ram also using her wand as a mobility aid... that's not even a metaphor or allegory.

Yet despite all her shortcomings, her disability, she's loved and appreciated for the things she can do. She's respected and cared for and no one really looks down on her for being unable to do magic or simple tasks. (In the Movie, she even sleeps in and is affected by the cold more than anyone else. I don't know if this was on purpose, but that's also a thing people with chronic pain/fatigue deal with...) She's intelligent, loyal, clever, witty, bitchy but in a likeable way, and most of all. She's appreciated for her steamed potatoes.

Anyways this was my ted talk. Do you all realize Ram as the disabled rep she is...

[exvangelical-christian-nerd]

TW Religion

Look I understand why religious people take offense to Good Omens, the Hellaverse, and that type of media (I've made posts on this before, about how the church kinda made their own bed, and I stand by that). I'm religious. I'm a practicing Christian. There are things in the shows that bother me a bit at times. There are parts of the fandom that I think go too far, but that happens in every single fandom. I think many of us who've been in any fandom for a bit can think of an example where someone just took something way to far. I mean there are multiple stories out there, to the point you sometimes see jokes about it, where someone went from fan to felon pretty dang quick. Or cases where a group of fans got more than a bit culty. The difference with the Hellaverse specifically, is, I believe, that if you take it to far you can start messing with very real demons, who are not the same as the ones in the show, and I don't want to touch that.

Now all that said, the fact that I am religious is a key contributor in why I love this kinda of media, and why I gravitate to it. I like things that bother me, at least things that bother me theologically. I really like things that make me question my faith, or components of it. Also, if I haven't made this crystal clear, the church has caused me a great deal of pain, and continues to do so. I have a lot of religious trauma to work through, and it can be really hard, because I often feel really alone. Most people with religious trauma leave the religion in question. I'm still here. I have to grapple, almost daily, with separating my hurt from my faith, and separating what I was taught from what I actually believe. I'm exvangelical, but I'm still a church going, bible believing Christian, and y'all that's a special kind of hell. It hurts, a lot. Sometimes to the point where it makes me physically ill. People I love and respect, continue to say things knowingly or unknowingly that cut like a knife. And How many times can you get stabbed? How long? How long must I hurt?

These shows help me process. They help me look at things from another perspective and go "do I believe that? And if I do, why?" Also sometimes they call me out, and that's never fun... but it can be important. But one of the big ones is that it gives me a chance to process my hurt with the symbolism of my childhood. It's healing.

I latched onto Emily, because I see myself in her. I see someone who believed, and had the rug pulled out from under them. I see someone, who still believes, but feels betrayed. Someone who now has to confront and question, because "if this was a lie what else is?" And "I trusted this person and this is what they did?" And possibly worst of all, "I helped enable this. I allowed this to happen. I might not have known, but I still helped. What have I done?" I know those feelings. I live them every single day.

I understand Aziraphale's choice to go running back to heaven (whether I like that choice or not, and I don't). It looked like they would accept him as he was, even accept those he loves. He sees an opportunity to change things for the better, in this system he knows, and cares about even. It's not going to go well. We know it's not, and I think even Aziraphale knows that, but that need to believe it can change, that you change it, yeah I get it. I really do.

I understand Sera's desperation to protect. I remember feeling St. Peter's aversion. The desperate bargaining we've seen from the cherubs trying to convince themselves what they're doing is right, or at least not wrong, I've done it. I see myself in Vaggie, trying to mend the damage she did. I was an armored gay. I know I too caused harm. Lucifer's abandonment issues and desire to just leave it all behind him or try to. It's all to real. And Crowley's disillusionment with everything? His belief that he is "on his own side", because where else could he possibly go? Yeah I get that too.

And I could go on

And on

And on

[lupaeusmoved]

headcanon : the basement / ptsd . ( @razorfst exclusive verse i . )

for the first few days she fought . by a few weeks in , her stamina began to fade . by a few months , she was in a state of active , constant panic each minute of the day . by month fourteen in the basement , emma had pretty much given up all hope of ever seeing the light of day again . she was a hollow shell , constantly drugged with wolfsbane and mistletoe , half starved , used repeatedly ( up to fifty times a day on the worst of them ) and rinsed off haphazardly with a freezing , high pressure hose before being left to rot in a dark room . by month twenty six she was all but dead inside .

when andrei found her emma was emaciated ; even her lycan body could only do so much to heal with the poisonous plants running through her bloodstream . she was terrified of human touch , jumpy around people in general - particularly men - and praying for the release of eternal sleep . she was half conscious when he picked her up ; she jumped , she trembled . . . and then she threw her arms around him and allowed him to carry her out of there . because even then she knew that after all this time , he was going to be her salvation .

falling in love with him came hand in hand with her recovery . for a while , andrei was the only person on earth who could touch her without triggering a full blown panic attack . she'd wake him up with nightmares , pulling his attention from down the hall with the volume of her cries . each time she'd apologize , curl in close to him , and breathe through the flashbacks until he'd grounded her enough to fall asleep . as they grew closer , as they developed a connection deeper than savior and saved , she finally began to open up :

since her teen years , emma has fought to prove herself at every turn . she's pushed to make herself heard and rise above any challenge that comes her way . and if she couldn't , then her pack would step in and boost her up until she could . but when she was taken , veins injected with mistletoe and scent masked to pull her from the street in the night , she simply wasn't strong enough . her abilities were muted from the moment the needle entered her skin , several men restraining her as she'd thrashed and growled and her irises glowed blue . at first she thought they were hunters , come to make an example of her for the other wolves in beacon hills . but in reality , it was so much worse than that .

she hates herself for that ; hates herself for not being strong enough to prevent this from happening . she hates her wolf for not being strong enough . when the flashbacks come , the first thought is always : i should have fought harder . all her life , her biggest fear has been being perceived as weak , as vulnerable , as less than . and for two years and two months , she was made to be all three over and over and over and over . for two years she had the worst beliefs about herself drilled into her head every second of every day until she no longer recognized who she was or what she could be . she was made into an object , cursed to be trapped in a time loop of her own waking hell .

it is only with andrei's guidance , love , and care that emma finally begins to move past her trauma . he allows her to talk through it , holds her when it becomes too much to bear , and never has a judgmental word to say about any of it . he respects her mind and body , cherishing rather than abusing her . he makes her feel safe enough to begin to open up to her family and to her friends . and when they marry and have their own children , he eases her mind every single time that she questions whether or not she deserves it . there are still lingering affects of the pain and suffering inflicted upon her , but it is only with him by her side that emma is once again whole .

[necroticghost]

my experience with eating disorders as someone who recovered. maybe this could help someone understand what it can lead to.

[tw for eds + blood]

I grew up as a mid-large size kid, so comments about my weight and advice on how to change were the norm in my life. honestly, it didn't occur to me that I could actually do something about it until around 15 yo (I am 25 now, recovered for at least six years). I regret ever finding out that eating disorders are a thing. it was through a fanfic, and as the stupid kid I was back then I actually believed the romanticised content I read and that it would make others finally stop picking on me. it did not help that I met this friend who told me she also used to be my size, but that with her (detailed) tips on how to be disordered I could look like her too, and fast.

but as excited as I was to hear that my body finally looked appealing, I could barely exist anymore. and that's when I discovered that I could eat absolutely anything I could ever want (little did I know) if I made myself throw up immediately after. some calories already get absorbed into the body because there's an enzyme that breaks down glucose right through saliva lol, but I didn't know that either then.

shit went downhill from there. it started slowly, with only skipping dinner, to skipping breakfast as well, to saving all the money for lunch that I would've had at school, and soon enough I was only eating about two times a week. besides, I was exercising 2-3 hours every single day without rest. my body was in constant pain, I was extremely dizzy, couldn't focus on school or anything else really. one time I even dropped on the street when I was getting off the bus, no one helped me but that's not the point. in about a year I had gotten to the point where I was underweight, like it would hurt when I sat down, people would say they could feel my bones when they hugged me, I had no strength to get out of bed most days so exercising was impossible and yet I was still pushing myself at times. people started worrying, but I was also getting praised by everyone, saying how great I look and that I need to keep going so that I don't get fat again. they were encouraging me and saying "this is exactly how I like you!".

so I stated combining the two: not eat for a few days, then binge all day and respectively throw up all day. I'm not even going to mention the use of 5-6 laxatives at a time and they still wouldn't work, they'd only make me cry in pain. those cramps felt like hell.

I could only eat by myself, never in front of others. one day when I was left home alone I was really looking forward to having these cheese puffs with the security that I'll get rid of them from my body as soon as possible. but...

I tried, and tried and tried and tried. my face felt all hot, my head was pulsing, my throat got all painful from my nails and all the rubbing to just get that reflex already because I had lost it at that point. I was numb. I was numb to salt, to vinegar, to any disgusting thing, nothing really made me throw up anymore. so I was hanging my head above the toilet contracting my stomach and pressing down hard on it and had my fingers deep down my throat for like twenty minutes with no result.

after all, I did get something out of it.

a fuckton of blood.

it kept coming out of my nose and mouth, like it simply wouldn't stop. I ran out of the bathroom but I just fell to the floor on the hallway. my shirt was bloody, so were my hands, it even got on the carpet. I soaked so many tissues in blood until I finally found a bag that I could spit into, and by that time I had lost all energy and just laid on the floor unable to move except for lifting my head a bit to use the bag.

I don't know how long I laid there. an hour? two? I genuinely believed I was going to die. everything was numb, I could barely see or think, I couldn't move a finger. I have no idea how I came back to my senses in the end. I apparently filled that bag halfway, everything looked like a fucking murder scene, I'll never be able to forget the red everywhere. I tried my best in my state to clean up everything but my family wouldn't have noticed anyway lol since they didn't give a shit about me. so when they came home I just greeted them as usual and never spoke a word of it. I only told my mother like a year ago and she had no reaction really, she was just fake worried to appeal as a good mother.

I tried to take it slower after that. I still starved myself, I still forced myself to throw up, but less and less because that was pretty traumatising, as suicidal as I am. I'd like to do it on my own terms if that even makes any sense lol.

but over the years I started having a healthier relationship with food, bit by bit. I can kinda eat in public now even though sometimes I still get anxiety, I can talk about food without getting triggered. I gained quite a lot of weight but somehow I'm more confident now than back then. I can cook without thinking about calories anymore. it's relieving. I still can't go on diets in a healthy way though so I kinda avoid losing weight. I just try to eat intuitively and get some exercise in from time to time and walk a lot because I genuinely enjoy it. it's not the healthiest lifestyle but it's nowhere near as bad as back then. it took me years to leave those habits behind.

so to anyone struggling, please know that I does get better. I know how difficult it is to stop because it's literally addictive, but believe me, it is possible to recover and enjoy food again and like your body. so... please consider that this can happen and stay safe. recovery is possible, I promise you, and I only wish you the best.

[thebnha-auhoard]

Build-a-Villain Au

Kai Chisaki would very much like know when his life turned into... this. Who figured, the moment your quirk turns up everyone wants get in your business about morality and ethics of shit.

"As if you know about that"

"I don't want to hear that coming from your gremlin amoral mouth"

"What's amoral?"

Kai turned his head to face the pale kid, red eyes shining at him that made Kai want to sneer, he just gave a deadpan look instead.

"Not something you want to be, Eri-sama."

"Are you really sticking to that?"

Now, he did sit up instead of being sprawled in their moderate apartment to look at the purple head messing with the new clothes they got for the girl.

"Yes, you bastard, she is still Chief-sama grandkid."

"Eri-chan, do you like being called that?"

It was a state that no one in the apartment even reacted to Pitch coming back of one of their shadows, Eri turned to look at him, the two staring into respective green black and red white eyes until Eri hummed out loud, which of course makes Seiji snort like the gremlin he is.

Kai is spared from having to throw a pillow at him by Sand, who throws two that hit him square in the face and chest.

"I like it!"

"I'm glad, because having this guy drop honorofics is harder than ripping out a splinter."

"Oh shut up, you overgrown cloud."

Oboro just smiles down at him as Kai groans, and on top of that, the two faced weasel dropped his gear onto his head.

"All cleaned up! and i assume you are finishing your new prototype, Iz?"

"Yup, it'll be fun to test out, I predict it'll break at least a bone before i can reasonably readjust!"

"Fun, the last time you broke a bone was of that serial r- huuuuh, cuddler, serial cuddler, it was funny as hell"

Kai calls out "Nice save"

"Shut Up-"

"What'll be dinner, Mister Mist?"

Every single one in the apartment apart from the two grinned at the nickname

"I got a apple curry recipe I want to try."

Kai covered his ears to the squeal of the child

Great villain he is, surrounded by children

Kai grinned, the satisfied petty creature in his chest settling down to rest.

                                              Info under the cut!

So, the basis of this is of a prompt from writing prompts. All Might brought the lowest ratings for crime in the country, and yet, major villain attacks and plans still happen regularly.

There is a touch more of fabrication in here than just systematic weighting people down until they can’t do nothing besides struggle to survive.

No, here, Villains are regularly built and designed to work the way they do.

Well, most of them.

Kai Chisaki was nothing when they took him in, and was still nothing when he got out of the program, “ready” to start his career at the rip age of 8 years old, at least that was he was told, but being sent the yakuza way is hardly just coincidence.

Only thing they did neglect in his program? That Yakuza and their affiliates have a strong sense of duty and loyalty, so of course that’s what Chief drills in Kai head besides how to control his temper and quirk, and to navigate socialization while having a very stunted emotional state and intelligence (he was taught to never feel never have mercy or pity and how to make it painful-)

Things go downhill when in his “apprentice” for the younger kids of his suffer an attack, and only a hero student could protect them.

No one could protect the student.

Oboro Shirakumo dies by falling debris that rainy day.

But Kai learns that he can apparently do anything he wants with a body, and freaks out with the student when Oboro wakes up again, this time in a morgue after Kai sneaked in to see who had saved him exactly

the 12 year old drags the 15 old back to Chief, and this is the closest anyone ever saw the boy cry.

Oboro Shirakumo is dead, and yet he grows older besides the organization with the most winding underground structure he ever saw, and he did go to ua! And the whole being alive of course kickstarts a quirk awakening, making the boy be forced to drench himself in mist and clouds.

Things really kick out to out of control when at his 23 and living alone with mister Dead, Kai stumbles upon another set loose child villain designed one, only 13, and yet furious and seeking fights and no knowing what he could and couldn’t do outside of controlled environment.

So, maybe that take down and dragging back to the complex is his first act as a vigilante, but it isn’t like Kai will follow that streak, right?(He will, Kai is known as overhaul still, but not with scientist and researcher implications, he is an alchemist and doctor foremost, and a bash your head for thinking you can get away with beatings without raising a stint.)

And that’s the start of Kai “habit” of collecting villain designed children :3 Seiji Shishikura will be very salty about being his first “victim”, but the Hydra can’t keep a fake grudge to save his life, only be a short fuse and having no empathy for anything ever.

[curlyhairedcrafter]

People often say that spirit work is dangerous, and it is. People have to accept that risk exists alongside that which could benefit your practice. After 2 years of working with two very loving deities, I have parted ways with them. Why?

Because they traded my trust and health for the benefit of teaching me a lesson.

Spirits are not people. Gods are definitely not people. Therefore, what is necessary to them may not seem necessary to us. Our moralities differ as our world perspectives do--hell, deities have insight that can be incomprehensible to us humans! But that doesn't mean that they are justified in everything they say and do. After all, like I said before, it's all relative.

In April of this year, 2022, I suffered a horrible ordeal. It has since changed my life in ways that I have begged the universe to take back, and in that pain, I felt guilt and shame for a thing that I had no control over. I blamed myself for "ruining my life", and I didn't know how to move forward from that.

I didn't speak with my deities much for guidance or conversation. In fact, I was afraid of them, of what they might say to me after the ordeal. But they remained present and listened to me when I had the courage to speak to them (off-the-cuff confessions and apologies, without a way for a reply to be sent back to me from them). Months passed. Then, one day, I picked up my tools and sat down to really talk to them.

They immediately came forward. They were happy to hear from me, and they understood why I needed the distance. I knew they were patient, and they were happy to be patient. Then they both got serious, solemn.

Long story short, both deities stated that they were responsible for the ordeal I experienced. I had an inkling that this was true, but I still couldn't accept it. They wanted me to accept it.

Every time I wanted to deny that my guardians and gods who loved me so wholly would ever harm me in the way that they did, they would repeat "We did this to you. We have no regrets. Our intentions were good. We feel no guilt. We caused this."

Did I have house rules? Yes. Did my gods and I discuss our expectations and boundaries before we began working with each other? Hell yes! But that doesn't stop a god from doing what they think is right, not really. They can still make that choice to harm you.

The gods gave their reasoning: they wanted to teach me a lesson, as it seemed to them that other methods were not effective enough. They said that they sacrificed the trust that was built over 2 years (plus some more with a single one) in order to teach me this lesson. They deemed it necessary.

So... where did that leave me?

They loved me, and I loved them, but if I were to remain working with them, I would be scared of what more they would do to me, even if they promised to never harm me again. They ripped through the boundaries I set, and in general spirit work, the consequence for this was banishment. After sorting out my conflicted emotions, I decided to dissolve the working relationship that I had with these deities.

It all seemed to be part of the lesson, for me to leave the working relationships with my current deities, and yes, it is infuriating! But mostly, I feel sorrowful. I've lost a lot this past year because of the ordeal that occurred, and it's like the pain that faded from April has relit within me.

So, I guess for anyone reading this,

Deity work can be so rewarding; I myself have experienced great blessings from the ones that I worked with. There are so many stories where people share what wonderful things deity work has done for them, or of the fantastical way the gods are perceived by the practitioner. But rarely do I see stories (but I do see them occasionally) where someone's deity work led them down a path of terror and nightmares. I understand why people wouldn't share those stories... but I just thought I could share mine, even with a limited audience.

In my work, I had boundaries; I was respectful to others; I gave and took graciously. I understood the risk. I did my best to be safe and accountable. In the end, I was just one of the witches who suffered that risk.

[bpdstevenuniverse]

// TRIGGER WARNINGS - hospitalization, ableism, NPD stigma, suicidal thoughts

So... I haven't really posted about this before, but I've started partial hospitalization two weeks ago, and... yeah. I am not enjoying it.

I know it's early for me to say this, but there are many things I am just not getting used to. For one, it's my first experience in therapy groups - because all activities are done in groups. And like, okay. I WANTED to try it out because I WANT to improve my social skills, and I don't want to be trapped in a psych ward 24/7 again.

But personally, the things that bother me the most:

There are WAY too many patients for such a small mental health clinic, so the therapy groups and the overall activities can be too loud and overwhelming. At least I'm a very sensitive person when it comes to loud noises and too many people at once, so it's far from encouraging to me to be in such an environment. I don't mind short groups, though, they're usually easier to manage and I can also get to know people better... but yeah, that's not the case most of the time now.

Since this mental health clinic is private (financially speaking), then unfortunately both patients and the mental health professionals have some very... ignorant points of view. I'm not saying this because I'm a complainer or anything; It's like I'm listening to my conservative relatives saying shit at the dinner table (well, most of the patients are a lot older than me). Additionally, the amount of times I've had to listen to people demonize NPD... I always have to hold myself back from wanting to yell at them. Like, it's so HYPOCRITICAL. We're supposed to be in a place where you don't need to fear being judged, and yet everyone judges narcissists. I'm aware that personality disorders in general are still not well researched without being demonized, but come on. None of the psychiatrists and psychologists really try to clarify that NPD is also stigmatized and people who have it aren't evil.

I honestly don't like a lot of the advice they give - again, both patients and the professionals. They insist on doing the "two sides" argument on every single situation, when it really doesn't apply to all of them. They especially hammer on the "you have to respect everyone's opinions" and I'm like, yeah, okay. But then you have the people I mentioned above, and I just think to myself, "I'm obviously not going to fight anyone, but I sure as hell don't respect the fucking racists and ableists in this place lol."

I fucking hate the fact that they don't provide me individual support when I'm having a bad day. I have very strong suicidal ideation, despite me never acting on it, and in these past weeks there were many moments I just needed to vent to someone. I didn't feel safe opening up at home, and my therapist and my psychiatrist were unavailable the whole time, and I didn't feel comfortable saying sharing such heavy emotions in the groups. So, I tried to talk to someone in private, and... it just didn't help me. One, they told me to WAIT a long fucking time to talk to someone - once they told me to do that TWO DAYS LATER. Two, in the meantime they just told me to share my feelings in the groups even though I said I couldn't, or to distract myself with fucking crosswords or coloring pictures, like that fucking helps me. Or, they send me to the nursery but I just... sit there doing nothing. My psychiatrist didn't prescribe me any medication for this kind of situation, but I don't want pills, I just want someone to TALK.

Maybe this is just my impression and it doesn't apply just to the partial hospitalization, but I hate that just because I don't act on my suicidal thoughts, they don't think they really have to do anything. Again, when I have these thoughts, I feel extremely overwhelmed. I feel so anguished and in pain that it's too much to bear. I'm really sick of passive suicidal ideation never being taken seriously. It's basically the story of my life: people just take me seriously when I do something really bad. When I ask for help BEFORE it gets bad, they don't give a fucking shit about it.

Anyway, the point is: the partial hospitalization reminds me a lot of how the psych ward failed me. Too many patients, too much judgment in a "judgment-free" space, and some really terrible advice and neglect of more reserved patients like me.

I really hope this isn't just me though, because I certainly don't want to sound like a jerk for being so unsatisfied with this treatment. If this works or has worked for you, that's great! I don't want to discourage anyone here, despite my saltiness.

[peacht44]

literally screaming for him to wake up and see me and appreciate me for everything I’ve done for us since coming back home to him after the break(up) because he is losing me, I’m getting tired of fighting. And still he is apathetic at best.

Currently in financial ruin for this “man” ama.

Idc if this isn’t want tumblr is for- I literally have lost my entire family due to my decision to come home and try to make it work with him again after what he did to me, they don’t respect me and are keeping their distance. So I have no family of my own blood (just my little fam who adopted me as their own for giving their dad another chance) and exactly 1 friend who lives on the other side of the country. I have no one and nothing currently (other than a sick ass LDR stash necklace dupe on the way 🙌🏻) so forgive my old ass for being a MySpace kid who hated fb and went offline during the tumblr era, I’m just gonna rant here when I need because NOBODY knows me here.

It’s been 8 years since I attempted last, but each and every day lead me further down that path again and my depression sinks deeper and deeper and gets darker and more unholy by the day 😪 I’m too sunny and too bubbly to feel this way god I hate feeling this way. It would be so easy too and then 🤫 all quiet, no more pain physical or metaphysical or even emotional god that would be a dream. I can’t even buy my dad a Father’s Day or birthday gift (both back to back this month) because I threw my whole paycheck on the house we share that he’s refused to pay for (or even work for like physically Have a job for) in almost 2 years.

Where tf did my self respect go?? Why can’t I be the baddie I try to uplift other women to be when they’re down? Why am such a pushover who let’s him get away with murder??

My whole life is falling apart and all I can think is that no one is coming to save me this time. All I have is me and my own back, and even I hate me. I wish so badly I could be someone else, literally ANYONE else, and so I wish even harder for the silence. That eerie quiet to be only pierced by occasional muffled wails that I let out behind my hand clamped over my mouth through gritted teeth with the vent turned as high as it can go where no one can hear me slowly lose every single part of me that made me human, or even just me.

Maybe a nice grippy sock vacation WOULD be just the ticket to getting my mental back on track. At least it would be quieter there, in my head and in my bubble. For now my only comfort are racing nightmare anxious thoughts that play on a loop every minute or every hour of every day, I can’t seem to quieter them or stop a panic attack anymore. I don’t even know how to breathe on my own any more. I am 36 and no better off than living on my own for the first time at 16 again, and all I want to do is d*e, sometimes. Or kill the pathological people pleaser I give all of my energy to being. It’s time to go scorched earth on this Mf but it still won’t make him see me, or love me; or appreciate me for being a GD DISABLED WOMAN HE HAS LET FINANCIALLY SUPPORT HIM FOR 2 YEARS NOW. It’s gaslight gate-keep and hypocrisy 24/7 on my life so maybe it’s time to girlboss my way tf out of it and ghost every living soul I know, pack up my fur babies and flee this hell hole I’ve let my life become again. This Mf couldn’t even bother TO DO A THING for my birthday this year but cry about how he couldn’t afford a gift for me. Not try to earn some cash to even go on a date, just whine about not having the funds and then having the audacity to pass out on me early and let me agonize over every single thing I’ve fucked up in my life lately by diving deep down a cold lane with him again.

Nothing feels real anymore. I don’t even feel like a person. I’m so numb yet so soft and emotional and unstably sad all of the time but all I do is avoid it. Sitting in this pain might kill me, I can’t risk that.

[arleneworld22]

I want to closed this crazy week of work

with this song that represents my mood the whole week and my life mostly in the good and bad parts

I always have to be fast to looking for the files for the next day for the doctors office both shifts so I always was like “hurry hurry” in my mind every single day.

I ALMOST get late at work everyday because I’m not good to be ready in the mornings while I feel sleepy so it was always the start of my day like “as I hurry hurry out the door and on my way to seize the day I start to think Did I leave something?… check my pockets never mind, hurry hurry there’s no time”, “I say let’s work, but I’m the jerk who’s late again and they know well that I was up til 4am, this should be easier I guess, hurry hurry what a mess” “yeah I’m late again but the important is that I’m here and there’s no time to lose feeling bad for that, there’s so much work ahead” I thought.

I love this song because it truly represents how I feel often (or everyday it depends) the constant stress feeling, my chest pressure my heart, the bad sleeping habits, how I pressure myself to be focus on my stuff but at the same time my mind is in other place worrying about my relationship with everyone and the things I still have to do later, what I did wrong and what should I do next, oh I lost my precious time running too much in parallel now I have to be “hurry hurry” living my personal hell.

I worked very fast, every day I learned a little more about how to do my job better but I just felt this high optimism energy the first 2 hours and then I have to cross the street to looking for a cafe because I lost energy and I felt sleepy again, drink water wasn’t exactly an option because I lose the caffeine effects and I needed that but now I had to be faster because I wasted time and I felt guilty for that. No one was put on pressure on me but I know the consequences for do my job bad and I never ever want to be a hindrance to anyone just because of my fault.

So, I felt sleepy, my legs hurt because of the constant inclinations and stretching, my arms hurt because there was a lot of files veeery tight, my fingers get a quiet little lilac for that constant force I made, and let’s no even talk about how my feet felt, being hyper focused is kind of scary because I could feel thirsty, all this pain, and still moving automatically almost without stop, but I always had a good attitude or well, I didn’t notice anything until I got home “who am I? Am I still the same guy? Or I have lost something as I keep stomping? Mind and health, every bit of myself, I ignored the signs as I’m running out of time”

The song makes me feel that I have to move right-now because I’m late for something but at the same time the melody doesn’t make me feel that I’m doing something bad, is just a lead to let me know that I have to move now and the lyrics just represents my thoughts while I’m on my way. I love it because the rhythm is dinamic and doesn’t make me feel bad, just vibe with the stress lol, it’s something that I’m used to but I KNOW I shouldn’t.

Btw yes that’s b-lood from a cut I get, I get some cuts in both hands because of sheets and open staps by accident, this one was the only significant cut and I kinda liked to see it (? Don’t get me wrong is just that it was the first time I saw my own b-lood in a loooooooong long time, see the red in my skin, that tone of red, the amount of it and the little cold in my finger, I forget that I can get that kind of hurt too and that makes me remember my own mortality too.

Exhausted week, but grateful because it finally end, now these people have all my respects for doing this everyday.

[likeapray3r]

I’m listening to this lesbian couples podcast (they’re married so it’s like … they’re Mother(s) in a way) and one of them is describing how when they first started to get to know each other one of them was living with an ex… and the other had to place a boundary that that wasn’t working for her and wouldn’t work for her at all moving forward and was very no bullshit about it… and then the other one just listened … and made the effort to make that change in order to keep this person in their life… who they ended up marrying. And it really made me think… I spent months and months explaining how torturous and awful a similar situation was for me, and how I couldn’t do it long term, and I was even met with false promises of deadlines of when this person would start looking for a new place to live and so on and do forth, yet they never did… and I stayed… and kept rattling off the same nonsense about how I couldn’t keep doing it anymore blah blah blah (after months it had already eaten away at my self worth to the point I was nowhere near the person I was at the beginning of the reconnection) and I was honestly just shut down, forced to hear about how there was “nothing to worry about” (as if how they feel is the only thing that matters in the equation) and I just took it and took it until I imploded. I changed my entire life for someone who couldn’t change even an inch of their life to make me feel more comfortable and more safe. I didn’t have the self importance for myself to even stand strong in my boundary and say “I cannot continue to do this under these conditions because I respect myself” I just couldn’t muster any of it. The last 2 months were the worst, I couldn’t talk about it at all because it would throw this person into a fit of rage and instantly shut me down and deny validity in my feelings every single time. It got so bad I even resorted talking to a past person about what was happening (I never sought them out they just messaged me on a day where I was extremely vulnerable and needed someone to talk to about how hurt and confused I was about everything going on) and when that antidote came out to this person I was with at the time they were also angry at me for communicating with someone they had already told me I wasn’t allowed to talk to. By this time, I had absolutely zero residual feelings for this random person who popped up to talk to me, and it had even been YEARS that I haven’t felt anything other than a passersby friendship with this person at that. It was like their ego was hurt that I talked to someone who they thought they had control over me talking with after they had been dragging me through hell and back for their own enjoyment and pleasure and self indulgent peace. And the funny thing is: I talked good about her. I said I love her, and I’ll keep sticking it out as hard as I could. I said I was hurt by everything, and it wasn’t feeling ok. I said I wanted a long lasting life with this person, that I wanted to marry them one day. I still was so hopeful. But I was hurt and I was stifling my hurt in order to fit into this persons life, who honestly couldn’t care less about me even if they tried, and I made myself so foolish for them. I didn’t have any boundaries with them. They thought they could do anything to me. They liked knowing they could get away with anything and do anything to me and I’d still stay. Even though I was collapsing inside, my soul was dying. It just made me think that the right person would absolutely do anything for the person they love, and they won’t make it so painful. They won’t make excuses, and they won’t take your words as something light, and if they do, then they’re not the one. I had been fighting for someone who wasn’t the one for far too long. It’s pain and relief in the knowing, but I’m glad there are other people out there who’ve experienced the positive outcome there could be in a situation like that. I know my person would never even consider putting me in a torture chamber of a life cycle as that person did to me. My person could never do that.

[thatonemama]

for almost three years I have done nothing but completely set aside my entire self and goals and everything so I can support someone else’s goals and make sure they have zero distractions, stress, or inconveniences to prevent them from chasing and achieving these goals.

now that I am seeing you for who you are and probably always will be I see I did that for so long hoping and really genuinely believing that when you achieved these goals and finally got to the space that you so desperately craved to be at, that we would share it together, as a team. The team you have always said we are. How foolish I was to believe that you are actually capable of caring or being there for anyone. You expect the world of the people in your life but you give back literal scrapes, even for your own children.

We are only a team when everyone is doing exactly what you think they should be doing. You only like us when you’re well-rested or there’s no one else picking up your calls so you just settle for us. You SETTLE FOR US, your children and your partner. The people who have literally stood by you through it all, through your worst self that you still are to this very moment. We are still here. Supporting you and uplifting you, even though you never show us the same. You think 20 minutes of attention per day should be equivalent to father of the year award, it’s truly baffling. You are either moping around giving everyone the silent treatment or obsessing over the new thing to buy for yourself when you know we are running out of literally everything.

You make false promises to me and make me believe everything I am stressing about is going to be taken care of and I fall for it every single time, and every single time your needs are met and what you needed to take care of is taken care of and nothing I needed or needed to take care of has even begun being started to be taken care of. And then when I confront you and say I’m so tired of being with someone who goes through life being so clear that they clearly don’t give two fucks about me and then he replies by saying I’m crazy and all he does is show love for me.

I am not a hard person to please. Pay the bills you’ve agreed to pay, pay for the things you’ve agreed to pay for regarding your children, take care of the vehicle that you are the only one driving since you broke the other one so we are constantly stuck here with no vehicle, show up for your children and be a good/respectable father, sit down with me and help us come to an agreement on our parenting style, and just love me and show up for me the same way I do you. That’s fucking it, the bare fucking minimum literally because me and my children deserve a hell of a lot more than that but that’s all I’ve asked, that’s fucking it, not a single one of those things have even been close to being met but I am crazy for questioning your supposed “love” for me? Someone who loves someone doesn’t constantly put their mental health and bare minimum basic needs and self care on the back burner constantly, especially when that person is the sole person responsible for taking care of your children on a day to day basis, idk about you but I would want the person that is 100% responsible for my children every day to be in the best mental health and when I’m around I would do whatever needed to be done to make sure I am supporting that person because I am their partner and it’s my responsibility to show up for my partner because I love them and that’s just love, right? Because apparently I’m a huge piece of shit for just wanting the bare minimum love and loyalty and respect from my partner and the man who had two children with me.

my heart aches constantly. literally constantly.

I thought this type of pain in my life was over, and I feel so trapped and disgusted with myself

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #142

Ever been to a bonfire party? Yeah.

Have you ever been in a lighthouse? No, but that'd be very cool.

What do you enjoy most about your life? The people in it.

Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret? There's one occasion I can think of, where I snapped at him when I could've pointed out something that bothered me in a nicer way. I did basically immediately apologize for it, being completely unwilling for my impulsive mouth to take part in any argument we may ever have, but still.

How many people with the name Taylor do you know? Girt's very close friend that currently lives with him is named Taylor. I know there has to be a couple more that I know of, but idk.

Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance? Yes. Way too much, specifically about my weight.

Have you ever stripped for someone? No, that'd be way too awkward for me. I'm too self-conscious of my body for someone's attention to be fully on it, and even in high school when I wasn't nearly as bad, I still don't think I would've been able to.

Have you ever wanted to believe in something, but couldn’t? Yes, the most obvious in my life being religion. Even as a child, I just had so many doubts, so much didn't make sense, but I'd shut myself up whenever I let myself wonder about it in fear that I would abandon religion and go to "Hell." Christianity is such fucking fear-mongering and I can't stand it.

Do you know how old your dad is? Exactly 60 now I think; I actually thought he was 60 already, but he mentioned being that number at his birthday lunch, so. I'm regularly one or two years off with my parents' ages.

Were you sad that Panic! at the Disco broke up? I've never listened to them a whole lot, but yeah, they're still a band I enjoyed and knew since what, being a pre-teen or maybe younger? I completely and entirely respect Brendon's decision to prioritize his wife and oncoming child, though.

Did you cry when you watched The Notebook? I have at least teared up at the end every single time I've watched it.

Have you ever attempted to beat box? lol no

When was the last time you saw your “first love”? The beginning of February 2017.

Who’s the smartest person you know personally? Girt, he is super intelligent.

You can’t feel pain for an entire day. What would you do? Hm, if I had the appropriate funds, probably get this really big and detailed tattoo I want on my upper left arm/shoulder area. It's probably gonna be the most expensive shit I ever get done and will certainly take a majorly long time, so it'd be great to not feel it, haha.

Who makes you the happiest? Girt.

Do you think that deep down, everyone is good at heart? Uh, no. I think we've seen enough proof of that in the world.

How many people have you kissed? Four.

How many of those people are you still friends with? Just one, Girt, and we're still dating.

Where did you go, the last time you left your house? My county's medical complex, where I do physical therapy.

Did you ever see the movie Good Burger when it came out? Not when it came out, but I have seen it and love it.

Say something nice about someone you really don’t care for: He loves his kids a lot. But Mom and I both see that he treats Aubree (not his biological daughter) somewhat differently, which is absolutely not okay. Like yeah, he's decent enough/definitely not awful, but there is absolutely a difference in how he treats her versus Ryder and Emerson.

Would you say that you’re popular? lol no

Would you say that you’ve been in love with someone? I know I have twice.

What do you consider to be the most profound of emotions? Complete, genuine love. Both romantic and not.

What brand of deodorant do you wear? Secret.

Do you believe that love isn’t right for everyone? Uh yes, aromantic people exist. Not everyone wants a romantic relationship, and that is perfectly okay.

If you could only love one person, would you choose yourself? Ugh... I realistically don't think I would. I should, but I know myself.

What’re your brothers/sisters like? If you don’t have any, do you wish you did? Nicole: extremely independent, ambitious, and determined, and pretty damn fearless. She is a very hard worker and a legend of a children's social worker, a literal hero, and she's entirely open about who she is and you're either gonna take it or leave it. She's the person that'll say things you're too afraid to, and she has a strong moral compass. I look up to her a lot. Ashley: I barely even know what's really her anymore tbfh, Mom and I (and probably Nicole, I cannot see how she couldn't) have both seen her change so much since her marriage, and not in a good way. She's a very dedicated mother, but has become a submissive follower of whatever her husband and in-laws want. She's constantly stressed out and just not the person I knew growing up. I worry about her. Katie: she's the sibling I'm most like. We're introverts and both deal with bipolarity (but I'm pretty sure hers is bipolar 1, if I remember right), and have bad mental health histories. She's a brilliant cake decorator. I wish I got to see her more; that goes for the next two, too. Misty: she's a firecracker that changes for absolutely nobody and wears her beliefs and what she loves on her sleeve. She's a Harry Potter addict and a MASSIVE reader, like her dream is to own a big library. She's also very into witchy stuff and considers herself one. She has some WILD beliefs (I'm not attaching that to her considering herself a witch, this is a completely independent thing), some that are very problematic and straight-up ignorant, and she often makes me roll my eyes on social media with some of the bonkers shit she posts, but I mean I still love her. Bobby: just a straight-up good man. He's very intelligent with a fantastic heart and values, and he is probably the best dad I have ever met in my entire life, and a fantastic husband. He loves being outside and partakes in a lot of running events and jogs and hikes regularly.

Do you consider pets family? If you don't, you don't deserve pets, like at all.

Have you lost a family member recently? No, thank fuck.

Is there anyone you would take a bullet for? If so, who? I'm not going to list them all, because it's honestly a very big number.

What job does your significant other have? He works at a tire factory.

What’s the largest animal you’ve ever had as a pet? A boxer mix named Cali.

How long has it been since you moved out of the house you grew up in? Oh I have no idea, a very long time.

The last time you ate leftovers, what was it that you were eating? Pasta with normal marinara sauce.

What are 5-10 things you love about being you? The people in my life, my love for animals and nature as a whole, I try my best to be a good person that encourages love, I'm creative, and uhhhhh... I'm empathetic and like to comfort people.

What is your favorite board that you've made on Pinterest? it's just a collection of Rammstein pics y'all 😭

What is your favorite apple-flavored treat? Uh... maybe an apple cobbler. I really enjoy apple-flavored lollipops, too.

Have you ever met anyone named Eden? No, but that's a beautiful name.

What is your favorite type of tree? Wisterias, weeping willows, and sequoias/redwoods (I know they're different, I'm just grouping them together cuz I can't tell the difference lol). Cherry blossoms are also noteworthy.

Have you ever had a spaniel for a pet? Yes; Teddy's mother was a cocker spaniel (he got like, zero traits from her lol), and supposedly Dale was part cocker spaniel too, but he looked more like a goldendoodle to me.

Do you any of your family members have birthdays on a holiday, and if so, which one(s)? Yes; my oldest half-sister was born on the 4th of July, my brother was born on Earth Day, and Nicole's birthday sometimes falls on Easter.

Which medication(s) do you feel have helped you the most, and why? Latuda with Lamictal used as a catalyst very literally saved my life. It's the reason I've healed this much from the breakup and found hope. I only ever stopped it because my body stopped responding to Latuda after some years, but thankfully I've never returned to the low that I constantly was prior to it. Intense therapy at the same time also helped without a doubt.

Is your current doctor a male or female? My primary care physician is a man, which I dislike, but he's a fine guy. My psychiatrist and therapist are both women.

What type of soda do you drink most regularly? Mountain Dew.

Do you like the band Seether? I do.

Do you have asthma? I suspected it my entire life, and fucking finally I'm supposedly getting some test for it the next time I see my PCP. It's way fuckin overdue, but I don't think even my mom knew there was a legit test for it until it was a topic brought up in physical therapy.

Have you ever performed on stage? What did you do? Yes, I danced for a very long time.

What is your favorite video game? Silent Hill 2, there are no words for how much I adore that game and the emotional journey it takes you on.

What’s your screen name? In the vast majority of places, it's Ozzkat, but not all.

When did you graduate from high school? 2014.

Are you planning to have a family? When? Not kids, no. Just lots of pets, so long as we can properly provide for each one.

What is the one thing people say about you the most? Uh... probably that I'm quiet, at least in real life.

What have you done that you’re particularly proud of? Healed as much as I think is possible from a very traumatic breakup.

How many televisions do you have in your house? Three, but one (it's very small) isn't up at all times.

Do you use your hand when you speak? YES, I am an extreme hand-talker; I do it without realizing it, but know I absolutely do.

What is your dream car? I don't care, odds are I'll never drive anyway.

Have you lived around here long? I've lived in this general area/county my entire life.

What do you do to pull yourself out of a bad mood? Talk to Girt, Mom, or Mazzy and Tez, watch something funny on YouTube, sometimes naps are a good "reset" on my mood if I'm down for no real reason, and often a Tumblr scroll will help, haha. Doing something productive is also helpful, but often when I'm really down, I don't have the strength to do it.

Why do girls follow each other to the restroom? Safety.

Who do you talk to most on the phone? My mom.

Are you pregnant? I can assure you I'm not.

Do you like poetry? Write poetry? I love poetry; I've written a lot of it and want to do more, as well as read more.

Do you know anyone who has any STDs? I'm aware of one person who has one, but I'm 100% positive I know more than just her without being aware of it. They're more common than people tend to think.

Have you ever taken a shower with someone that is not a family member? Only as a little girl, with a best friend. I have zero interest in doing this as an adult.

First type of porn you have ever watched? (ie. lesbian, hentai, threesome) I've never watched it and have a negative amount of interest in doing so.

Has any of your partners had sex with someone else? Not while we('ve) dated, no, but both serious partners have done so before we dated.

[yandreamings]

RELATIONSHIP RED FLAGS IN BSD MEN…!

Inspired by this! Thank you for allowing me to take inspiration from your lovely work.

Content warnings: Abusive/toxic relationships, yandere, manipulation, generally terrible men, these are not healthy relationships.

Characters included: Dazai Osamu, Nakahara Chuuya, Nakajima Atsushi, Akutagawa Ryuunosuke, Kunikida Doppo, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Nikolai Gogol, Sigma.

[DAZAI LIES TO YOU.] Where to start with this guy… really, he’s a walking red flag, isn’t he? Well, he’s handsome, he’s outgoing, and he’s funny, so what’s not to love? In your eyes, everything is perfectly fine- you have a normal, happy, caring boyfriend who would never do anything wrong. Guess what? False information! Dazai has lied to you from the day you first met. About his job, about his past, hell, even about his hobbies and favourite colour. He liked you from the beginning, and knew he didn’t want to let you slip away, so he has to do this. He’s so good at it that you’re none the wiser, too. You adore him and see him as the perfect partner, just what he wanted. People who actually know Dazai give you weird looks whenever you praise him so highly, but it doesn’t matter to you. You love him, and he loves you! So, what’ll happen when you’re confronted with the truth? When you realize your lover has blatantly lied to your face about nearly everything?

[CHUUYA IS POSSESSIVE.] If I were being honest, a relationship with Chuuya would be great. He’s caring, respectful, and knows how to treat you, so it’s wonderful! Except for the fact that he’s pulled a gun on every single other man who has tried to look at you. And shanked someone who was trying to hit on you at a bar. And never lets you out of his sight whenever you’re out with him. Or in general. So... maybe not that great. But can you blame him? He’s lost so much in his short life, knowing nothing but loss and pain, but then you come along! He doesn’t realize he has this issues, either- or maybe he just doesn’t care. He’s not going to stop anytime soon and he won’t let anyone touch what belongs to him. Chuuya spoils you rotten and makes sure you know that you’re loved, but can you deal with an iron grip on your waist and a harsh glare at anyone who dares to try and speak to you?

[ATSUSHI WORHIPS YOU LIKE A DEITY.] Poor, poor Atsushi... all he wants is for someone to love him, and how that he’s finally found you, his beloved, his most treasured person, he wants to make sure you know just how much he adores you. Some people don’t say I love you enough, but Atsushi says it a bit too much. It’s kind of cute at first, with all the gifts and his endearing, flushed cheeks as he tells you he loves you, but it doesn’t take long for things to go awry. At 5am sharp, he spams you with messages, ranging from ‘Good morning, have a good day today!’ to ‘Please text me back. Please. I miss you. I hope you’re okay. Please. I love you.’ You can’t catch a break with him, to be honest. He’s so in love with you that it creeps your friends out; some of them have told you that they catch him staring at you from behind a corner whenever you’re out with them. If you ever try to break up with him, prepare to be guilt-tripped by his wobbling lips and tears eyes. Don’t leave him- you can’t, you’d never do something like that, right? He loves you so much, don’t you see?

[AKUTAGAWA WANTS TO OWN YOU.] Akutagawa has no idea what he’s doing when it comes to dating and love. He knows he gets a weird, funny feeling in his chest whenever you touch him or smile at him, but he still doesn’t get it. And... why do you think you can talk to other men? Or other people? Is he not good enough? Sometimes, he swears that one day he’s just going to take you and keep you in his home for only him to see and talk to. Honestly, it doesn’t even strike him as something that’s wrong- you’re his, aren’t you? You swore to him that you’d never betray him or do anything so outrageous, so the best way to do that is take you as his own, permanently. He won’t care if you scream and cry and make a big fuss, he has his own ways of shutting you up, so do what you want. It won’t stop him.

[KUNIKIDA IS CONTROLLING.] Fork spotted in the kitchen, am I right? Kunikida is a man who knows what he wants when he wants it, and that pertains to you as well. You need to be awake at the same time as him, dressed to his standards, work hard at your job, eat according to his meal plans, and make time for dates, too. It get super exhausting super quickly, but if you bring it up, he makes it seem like you’re the bad guy here, that he’s just trying to help you be your best self, so you stay. He genuinely loves you and wants what’s best for you, so just let him do this, okay? He knows he can be hard on you (understatement), but it’s all in good faith. Also, make sure to brush your teeth better next time at 9pm sharp, long enough after dinner. He can see that you haven’t been doing it good enough lately. Don’t make him come and watch you.

[FYODOR THINKS YOU’RE INFERIOR TO HIM.] This is kind of a given, isn’t it? If you’ve managed to be manipulated into a relationship with Fyodor, congratulations! You’re going to develop the inferiority complex of the decade. It’s not that he tells you he thinks he’s better than you, it’s in his actions. If you go to a restaurant, he orders for you and doesn’t let you speak to the waiter; you might mess it up again! Come on, he can do it for you, don’t be silly. He picks out your clothes for you; no offense, but you’ve never had the best taste, darling, and he knows what you look good in anyway. He never listens to anything you have to say unless you’re telling him how much you love him or something similar. The way he likes you is at his beck and call, so if you’re not into being treated like a subhuman lover, then I’d run away if I were you.

[NIKOLAI NEVER TAKES YOU SERIOUSLY.] This dude takes the word clown to a whole new level when it comes to your relationship. It’s fun at first; all of your dates are exciting, he’s always got something up his sleeve to impress you, and he seems like a great guy (except for all the atrocities, but that’s for another day) for the most part. However, if you bring up a concern to him, relationship-related or not, he scoffs, brushes you off, and acts like nothing happened. That, or he ridicules you like nothing else. Even if you’re crying your eyes out, begging him to take something seriously, he only laughs, saying you look super cute when you’re crying. He’s quite sadistic, if you can’t tell, so he’ll probably add insult to injury and make fun of you if you push him further. 

[SIGMA ALWAYS TRIES TO APPEASE YOU.] Okay, this doesn’t sound so bad on the surface, but Sigma will not argue with you or have difficult conversations. Ever. You want to have a serious talk with him? Ah, he’s busy, but he’ll bring you home a gift after work! He did something you don’t like? Don’t get made, please, how about he takes you out to dinner? He’s avoidant to the core when it comes to you, only because he knows there are more experienced guys out there who know what they’re doing, and you could leave him for one of them any day, but especially if he says the wrong thing during an argument. So he just... doesn’t have them! Simple, right? Yeah, not so much. It’s all smiles and rainbows according to Sigma, and he outright refuses to listen to any separation or break talk. It’s just not necessary, you know? Why waste time getting angry when he could get you a shiny new necklace, or that outfit he knows you’ve been eyeing? Good luck with that attitude, buddy.

[marvelandimagine]

I think some people mad about the arm is not necessarily about the fact that Ayo disabling the arm itself, it's more of the fact that it was not necessary and the fact that Bucky had no idea they can do that. If I were to be honest, I think it was not that necessary because Ayo is well capable of taking him down without having to disarm him and she is definitely not threatened by him. I think what some people find upsetting about that scene is the fact that it kinda comes off as Ayo putting Bucky in a position where it would make him feel like he doesn't have full control of his own body after all. The Wakandans, especially Ayo, T'Challa and Shuri had every right to feel betrayed and upset but the point is they should have told Bucky about how the arm can easily be disabled like that, they didn't know Bucky was going to set Zemo free when they gave him the arm and regardless of the things they have done for him and if they were ones who gave him the arm, they should have at least told him about it, because it's connected to him, it's a part of HIS body. It doesn't matter if it was necessary to disarm him or not, the point is they should have told him about it because apart from the fact that it's his body and that it was a bit insensitive given his history, it's also a point of vulnerability, and the fact that she did it in front of Walker (and possibly Zemo) --- people who can easily turn on Bucky, could easily that to their advantage and attempt to disable it themselves. Just my thoughts on it.

Thank you for sharing your perspective, anon!

I’m going to use this long-ass reply to address this stuff with Ayo and also voice some thoughts I’ve had over the past few weeks seeing people paint Bucky into being this complete soft and harmless human that needs 25-7 protection which I don’t jive with — and this is me, a complete Bucky stan.

Many moons ago, I saw a post that compared 1940s Bucky moving with stealth and a loaded gun on the train to the Winter Soldier doing the same thing, essentially discussing the similarities and debating how much of non-brainwashed Bucky was in the Soldier. And I think the fandom forgets or chooses to neglect the following when painting him as this fragile, peace-loving guy:

Bucky was an incredibly skilled sniper in the United States Army. His job is to eliminate threats in the most efficient way possible, and he’s good at it. HYDRA gets their hands on him and + the serum, this gets magnified. It wasn’t like HYDRA turned him into someone with the ability and mental capacity to kill — that was already there. The brainwashing and torture just carved out the rest of him to leave those honed skills and an amplified ruthlessness with no moral issues, no sense of self to contend with. That ruthlessness is part of Bucky, whether people like it or not.

When Bucky is outside of HYDRA for the first time and hiding in Civil War and gets attacked, he’s so brutal in his actions that Steve Rogers, the man who literally was ready to die to save Bucky and free him when no one else believed in the good in him, intervenes because “Buck, you’re going to kill someone.” Bucky responds that he’s not going to kill anyone, but the fact remains: with or without HYDRA control, Bucky has a strong capacity for violence that hovers on brutality — again, what’s the most efficient way to eliminate or neutralize a threat? Like, I don’t want to kill you, but I’ll knock your ass out with cinder blocks to the chest.

Bucky has a good heart, he’s loyal, he’s smart, he’s caring, he’s the longest-standing POW in history and was turned into a slave for decades, put through unimaginable trauma and torture and horror with no escape. Bucky is also a strong and incredibly skilled super soldier who has a bionic arm, is a trained sniper, is unnervingly precise with knives, and self-describes himself as “semi-stable.” Zemo notes in the bar that “it didn’t take Bucky long to get back into form,” and he’s right because the ruthlessness and skill of the Winter Soldier is a part of him and always has been. We see it when he has his hand around Zemo’s neck and tells him he will kill him, when he rips the glass from his hand and throws it across the room.

And I’m sure the Wakandans know all this about Bucky, this light and his ability for hard-to-stop violence, whether from talking to Steve and Bucky or doing their own homework. And they still choose to help him out of the goodness of their hearts because he’s been put through hell and they believe they have the capacity to help him and it’s the right thing to do — they’re betting more on those positive attributes. And they put a failsafe on his arm, a literal weapon, and chose not to tell him. You know why I think that shows how much they did care about him? Because they could’ve blatantly come out and said “Hey, we don’t trust you,” and hurt him outright, but they didn’t because they’re betting on the light in Bucky to outweigh the dark or any future manipulation. That it’s a worst-case scenario function they hope to never have to use — so they’re prepared if shit hits the fan, and if it doesn’t, Bucky doesn’t have to be hurt feeling like he can’t be trusted. I see no issues here, they’re just being cautious.

Now coming to Ayo, my QUEEN Ayo. From that beautiful, beautiful opening scene, we get to see her support, her reassurance, her belief that Bucky will be able to work through this, even when he doesn’t believe it himself. She watches him fight and struggle and cry, and you can feel the hope in her and how moved she is when she gets to tell him it worked, he did it — he’s free. And she says it not once, but twice. And you can hear not just the comfort, but the PRIDE and warmth in her voice directed to him, who I’m sure she’s watched throughout the whole deprogramming process and gotten to know and is happy to see him work through the pain and come out on the other side.

And then she sees that same individual make a decision in freeing Zemo that she perceives as a “fuck you” not just to her country, but to her, someone who was charged with protecting her king. She could’ve just disarmed Bucky the second they met up, but she doesn’t. She takes the time to explain her side and her feelings, her guilt and her shame, and basically implies that she feels betrayed by Bucky because Wakanda helped him and now he’s doing something that’s hurting her country. And still, she doesn’t attack or just go get Zemo. She gives Bucky the benefit of the doubt and a whole 8-hour American workday to do what he has to do because again, she believes in the best of him. And then that time limit runs up, and he chooses to get in her way.

And that’s the final straw. She’s angry, she’s guilty, she’s frustrated, and she feels betrayed hurt by someone I think she did respect and care about, someone whom she worked with and helped and supported when he was his most vulnerable. Did she “need” to disarm the arm to fight Bucky? Probably not. But is she doing it in the heat of battle and adrenaline and a whole bucket ton of emotions, including what she sees as the White Wolf blatantly disrespecting her country and her as a person and even friend and she just says fuck it, I’m done? You hurt us and me, and I’m going to hurt you back? Oh yeah. And Bucky looks shocked, not because he’s a poor fragile baby and “oh no, my arm, how could you?? my TrAumA”, but in the dual realization of “oh shit, how’d you do that?!” and “oh shit, I think I crossed a line here.” And also, I don’t think a single person in that room would be able to recreate the disabling sequence other than Ayo — it’s way too targeted and specific for someone like Walker to pick it up in the whole three seconds it took.

People need to stop reducing characters to these black and white extremes of soft and hard, of good and bad. Doing so completely devalues and ignores the REALITY of the complexity of being human, and Bucky and Ayo are both great examples of that played by stellar actors who portray that range and depth extremely well. End of the day, my thought is that the failsafe in the arm was justified and people need to stop coming for Ayo based on this ridiculous narrative that Bucky is too traumatized and sensitive and too much of a fave to ever be challenged or he’ll explode into dust. Boy deserves a life of freedom and healing and mental health support, but he’s also still a formidable opponent with the capacity for violence and skillset to kill. People are more than one thing.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk!!

[devildomdisaster]

I’d like to request a body switching scenario with [Satan, Asmo, Beelz, Solomon, Simeon] and an Gender Neutral MC with undisclosed chronic health issues. Like brittle bones that break if you step a little goofy, stress ulcers, sensitivity to light, joint pain, poor stamina, etc. I just want to see the boys go “You live like this?!”

Satan:

Satan has a habit of collecting rare magical objects. Somehow quite a few of these cause body-switching incidents.

The cursed object causes the two of you to lose consciousness for a few minutes. When he wakes up he is in immediate pain.

His first thought is that the spell must have caused this and you must be in pain too! If he, a demon, is in this much pain it must be excruciating for a human.

He rushes to you or tries to. But falls to his knees in shock as a shooting pain runs through him.

He blinks watering eyes and sees his body stirring on the floor and realizes you’ve switched bodies.

You sit up feeling better than you’ve felt in years. Wondering if this is ‘normal’ or if that cursed object gave you super healing.

It’s only when you hear your own voice calling your name that you realize you and Satan have switched bodies.

You can see the tears in his(your body's) eyes and know exactly what's happening. You’ve had chronic pain for years. And Satan is sitting in just the right way to send shooting pain up your spine.

“Lay down on your back,” you order him. He has just enough control to follow your order and lower your body down slowly.

You can see Satan’s relief on your face as the pain eases slightly. It takes a moment for the worst of the pain to subside and his breath to even out.

He’s staring at the ceiling when he speaks, voice still a little shaky, “You live like this?”

You hum out a yes.

“All- all the time?” he asks, horrified.

“Sometimes it's worse than others. If I move or sit in certain ways it gets real bad. But if I avoid those movements it’s bearable.”

Satan turns to you “This is what you call bearable?!”

You shrug, “That position is usually pretty safe. So yeah probably.”

He is careful to move your body a little as possible as he shifts to point at a spellbook. “That book-”

“Are you going to change us back?” you ask.

“I-” he hesitates. Clearly not wanting you to be in pain again.

“Look, Satan it’s not that I don’t enjoy being pain-free. But I’ve dealt with it for years now. I’ve learned how to function around it. I had to. You on the other hand are going to be laying on the floor for most of the day if you stay in my body.”

“I’m going to find a way to fix you.” He says firmly as you place the book in his hands.

“Promises, promise,” you sing, preparing yourself to experience the pain in your body again.

“I mean it. As soon as I can move again I am going to find a way to help you. Devildom magic has to be better than human medicine.”

Asmo:

Asmo bought you matching bracelets. “Look Mc, I bought us these bracelets! They are supposed to bring us closer together!”

Well, they did bring you closer together. Just not in the way Asmo intended.

When he clasped the bracelets on, you felt a shiver go down your spine and when you opened your eyes you felt...different. Better. There was no aching pain. For once the dazzling lights of Asmo’s room didn’t cause you to wince. That's when you realize you’ve switched bodies.

Asmo on the other hand immediately cringed and squeezed his eyes closed, clutching his(your) head.

Asmo groaned pitifully, teary eyes squinting at you “Mc, how do you do anything like this??”

He curls up beneath his covers, and you make your way around his room turning off all the lights and closing his curtains. Once the light is gone, Asmo peers out from beneath the covers, “Do you live like this all the time?”

“Mostly, yeah.”

“No wonder your room is so dark. I thought you were just being dramatic.”

You shrug at him, “The Devildom is better than the human realm. There’s no bright sunlight here.”

Once the spell wears off, Asmo keeps the bracelet on both as a reminder of how you live with this chronic illness and as the intended purpose of showing how close the two of you are.

He buys you super dark glasses to try and filter out some of the bright light that bothers you.

and asks Solomon to help him find any magical treatments that might help you.

Beel:

Beel and you switch bodies after eating some of Solomon’s cooking.

Neither of you wants to eat Solomon’s cooking, but you had the misfortune to be the only two people who couldn’t find an excuse to get out of it.

Beel doesn’t know how it happened, Solomon doesn’t know how it happened, you sure as hell don’t know how this happened. But here you are with a strange magic ‘cake’ in hand, looking at your body from Beel’s eyes.

Your first thought is how strong you feel in Beel’s body. Like you could do anything. The exhaustion and joint pain you normally deal with is gone.

Is this how normal people live? Although you suppose a demon doesn’t count as a normal human, so it’s not such a good comparison.

You watch as Beel catches himself on the counter as he adjusts to the symptoms of your illness.

He lowers your body to the ground. Sitting gingerly as the movement causes the joint pain to flare.

“Mc, is this how you feel every day?” He is so so concerned about you! How do you function if you feel like this all the time? “Why haven’t you told anyone about this?”

“It’s ok, Beel. I’ve figured out how to deal with it.”

“It is not ok. Mc, we could have helped you!”

It’s strange to be lectured by your own voice and body. But Beel does a good job of it. He insists that you have to tell him when your symptoms act up and convinces you to let him speak with Lucifer about trying some magical treatments.

The potion doesn’t wear off for several hours. You feel a tad bit guilty about enjoying this when Beel is so obviously suffering, but you can’t remember the last time you felt so good. So capable.

Once the spell wears off Beel insists on carrying you around so you aren't as fatigued and to avoid aggravating your joint pain.

Be prepared for trying a string of different potions and spells to treat your illness, under the watchful eyes of Beel and Lucifer.

Solomon:

After hearing about Lucifer and Satan’s body-switching incident Solomon went looking for another cursed book.

He’d heard some rumor about Satan’s book having a twin and was determined to find it.

And find it he did.

You accidentally touched the book at the same time as him and switched bodies.

Solomon is more intrigued than anything else. “Do you live like this all the time? If so, you do a remarkable job of hiding it.”

He is going to test the limits of your body’s capabilities. He wants to know what situations cause pain or discomfort so that you can’t pretend to be ok when you aren’t.

You’ll have to warn him if he is doing anything that might permanently harm your body.

Unlike some of the others, Solomon doesn’t immediately look for a way to switch back.

When the spell wears off Solomon has a near-complete understanding of your condition. He knows what causes pain, what doesn’t, and what situations you should absolutely avoid.

“Mc, you need to stop pretending you are ok when you’re not. I’ll be here to help you when you need it. And if that help happens to be stopping you from doing foolish things to save face then so be it.”

Solomon keeps a close eye on you from now on. He respects you enough to not tell anyone about your condition if you don’t want him to, but he will also come up with the strangest excuses to remove you from activities he knows will aggravate your condition.

If there is magic that can be used to help you Solomon will find it. Just be prepared to feel a little bit like a lab rat while he figures out the perfect spell or potion to help you.

Simeon:

Simeon wants to know what it feels like to be human. He thinks it would give him a greater understanding of humanity.

He mentions this to Solomon, who being the chaos loving wizard he is, makes a potion to allow Simeon to switch bodies with you.

The problem occurs when Solomon 'forgets’ to tell you both that he’s already put the potion in your tea.

Simeon is shocked. He finds himself in your body. Looking at himself through your eyes. And by god does your body hurt!

“Mc, I’m dreadfully sorry, but I think Solomon’s little joke may have gone wrong. I-everything hurts.”

You blink at Simeon...er Simeon in your body. Mind taking a moment to catch up with the sudden body switch. You feel great. Part of that might be due to being in an angel's body, but mostly it's due to the lack of pain.

“Oh, everything's fine on my end. So it must be my chronic pain. It’s worse today than others.”

“Wh-what do you do when it’s bad?”

“Usually I try to distract myself. Or try to take a nap and hope I wake up feeling better. But we’d made plans and I didn’t want to cancel so…”

“So you decided to deal with extra pain for my sake? Oh, Mc. You should have told me you live like this. I can help”

“There’s no point, Simeon. Not a single doctor I’ve been to has found anything wrong with me. I didn’t want anyone here to pity me.”

“I am an angel, Mc. I’m quite sure I can do a bit more than your human doctors.”

You help Simeon to his room where you spend the afternoon watching human world movies to help distract him.

Simeon sleeps fitfully next to you and as you drift off you wonder if that is how you always look when you let your guard down enough to show your pain.

When the potion wears off you are both asleep, curled up next to each other.

When you wake up you are back in your own body. Simeon is sitting next to you slipping a charmed bracelet onto your wrist. “This is from the Celestial realm. It should help keep your pain at a more manageable level until I can find a more permanent solution.”