#i saw them in savannah. wtf
People should stop posting private pics of Isla and Savannah srsly, they are private citizens. PRIVATE CITIZENS. It rubs me up the wrong way everytime they do so. You found their private accounts? Fine. Just don't post their PRIVATE pictures. It's wrong. And i saw that they even started creating fake accounts of them too like?? Wtf?? Why are they doing this?????
Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 16X13
I watched the new episode of Grey’s Anatomy over the weekend. I hated the opening, but I liked the rest of the episode. This episode made me laugh a lot too and I’m glad they’ve brought the humour back to Grey’s! After last week’s standalone episode were back to our regularly scheduled program! Meredith and DeLuca are making out in bed together. Yuck. A phone goes off. It’s DeLuca’s. His incurable patient Suzanne is being moved to the CCU. Suzanne still isn’t getting any better. DeLuca says he hopes Dr. Riley can help. Meredith asks who that is. DeLuca says she’s the doctor from San Francisco that he’s bringing in to help with the case. He thought he told her.
Mer points out that they didn’t do a lot of talking last night. I’m trying to understand her actions here. DeLuca breaks up with her over his own insecurities, then refuses to talk to her about it, and then barks at her about his case and so she sleeps with him? I get that she’s lonely but come on! He treats her like crap, they have nothing in common, and he told Maggie he meant what he said. This is why I hate them together. They make no sense and yet they keep breaking up and getting back together. DeLuca tells Mer that Dr. Riley is a diagnostic genius and that he used Mer’s name to lure her to here. Again, he broke up with her because he couldn’t handle that she was better than him but now that his patient is dying, he’s fine with it? WTF?
As usual DeLuca is only interested in Mer for what she can give him. He wants to be with her not be a part of her family. Her superiority is a problem until he can use it to his advantage. What a leech! That being said I do know people who slept with or temporarily got back together with an ex because they missed them or didn’t want to be alone or because it was easy so I do kinda get that from Mer’s perspective. It’s still dumb though. Mer thinks DeLuca’s move was resourceful luckily for him. He follows that up with, “Look at some point we should probably talk about us.”
NOW he wants to talk? He couldn’t give Mer the time of day last we saw him. What an ass. That’s one of the things I hate most about them. When DeLuca wanted to talk Mer wasn’t interested then when Mer wanted to talk DeLuca wasn’t interested. They’re never on the same page. It’s exhausting to watch. Just move on already. Mer says they will talk about where they stand but he should go save Suzanne’s life first. They kiss and he leaves. Thank god. We get a sweet Ben and Bailey moment and then Bailey goes into work and Ben goes off to sleep all day! LOL!
Owen comes to talk to Richard at Pac North. Richard tells him that the hospital has been purchased by the Fox Foundation. Owen thinks he’s joking. He’s very much not. Richard tells him about his and Catherine’s fight and that now everyone has to report to Grey Sloan and interview with Tom Koracick to keep their jobs. Seriously? What is her problem? Owen asks if Alex knows. Richard says he’s still in Iowa dealing with family issues. He said he called to tell him Pac North was closing and in response Alex texted him a laugh until you cry emoji with a party hat! LOL! That is so Alex! Then Maggie walks in excited for her first day! Oh jeez! They have to break the news.
Meanwhile over at Grey Sloan it’s Schmitt’s first day back. He’s nervous. Nico’s unhappy that Schmitt is still crashing at his place. He wants Schmitt to move out and get his own place because they’re not at the cohabiting stage yet. To be fair Nico’s got a point. Levi’s never lived on his own and that’s an important step in adulthood that everyone needs to take. I’m with Nico on this one. Next we see Hayes and his boys coming down the main staircase. He introduces them to Meredith. They’re bored and disinterested as teenage boys usually are.We learn some very important information about Hayes in this scene in that he and Mer have something else in common. They’re both white parents raising black children as both of Hayes boys are black.
I find this really interesting as it adds a level of complexity and commonality to Hayes’ story and to his and Mer’s relationship. And look at that smile! Look at how her face lights up when she talks to him! Swoon! It also tells us more about Hayes’ family because this means that either his kids are adopted like Zola was or he was married to a black woman. Being a part of a biracial family comes with its own unique challenges and seeing the characters explore that I think could be really interesting. It could also be good for Zola in that she would gain older siblings of the same race that could help her through stuff that her white family members can’t. Derek always said that he wanted her to have black people in her life that could help her.
I love the idea of them all becoming a family. Derek always said that if something happened to him he didn’t want Mer to be alone which is why he encouraged her to connect with her sisters and have kids and wanted Maggie to be there for Zola. Hayes fits the bill perfectly in that he’s exactly the kind of man Meredith needs in her life and that Derek would have wanted for her and I love that! Plus, he’s got Cristina’s stamp of approval! Hayes tells Mer that his boys used to love getting a tour of whatever new hospital he was working at. Now they just want to know where the cafeteria is. LOL! Mer asks why they’re not at school. Hayes tells her it’s parent teacher conference day. Hayes tells the boys to put back whatever they’re messing with and carries on.
After he leaves Amelia walks up to Mer and says she saw DeLuca leave the house this morning. She asks if they’re back together. Mer says she doesn’t know and asks why she’s so interested. While I’m sad that we didn’t get to see more of Meredith and Hayes this episode and that Mer and DeLuca slept together I do like that they’re building Mer and Hayes’ friendship organically. One of my big pet peeves is that following her relationships with Derek and Finn every relationship Mer had was something they threw her into. There was no build up and they always pursued her. I like that they’re building her relationship with Hayes slowly over time. They’re becoming friends. We’re seeing all that they have in common and he’s not pursuing her like a cheetah chasing a gazelle on the savannah.
Amelia tells Mer that she’s anxious and so she’s deflecting and looking for examples of love enduring hardships. Mer laughs and says she wouldn’t go that far yet concerning her and DeLuca but the sex is great. She asks if that counts. Amelia says it doesn’t hurt. I like that Amelia and Mer are friends now. It’s so much more interesting than watching them fight. And again we’re back where we started with Mer and DeLuca. She’s having fun and enjoys sleeping with him. He’s head over heels for her and wants a serious relationship with none of the strings. The strings being her family, friends, and kids. Sigh. Amelia runs into Jo. We find out that Amelia is getting the paternity test results back today and that she’s been avoiding Link ever since he asked for the test. Jo is upset about how Amelia’s been treating Link and makes this speech about how couples need to have all of the available information because if they do they can work things out and rise. Amelia asks Jo if she herself is going through something. Jo says Alex hasn’t been returning her calls. That he said that he’s going through something and needs time.
WTF? Seriously? Are they really going to break up Jo and Alex because the actor has moved on? That’s so dumb! Why not just kill him off then? God this is stupid. Jo says she’s deflecting because she’s anxious. Her and Amelia have that in common. I like that they’re becoming friends. Next we see Jackson asking Tom for more information. Bailey asks what’s going on. He tells her the Foundation is absorbing Pac North and its employees. Bailey didn’t know. Seriously how could Catherine not tell her? She’s the Chief of Surgery! I get that Tom is everyone’s boss now but still.
Following that Bailey walks into a patient room to find three very smelly residents. Helm and Simms are still recovering, and Brody is there helping them do research Suzanne’s case. Bailey is not amused, “Oh god lord people just because you’re injured doesn’t mean you can’t shower!” Simms replies that, “Dr. DeLuca said we could only eat and sleep.” Okay seriously? That’s abusive and also foolish. They’re still recovering! What does Mer see in this asshole? As funny as that line from Bailey was the fact that DeLuca forbade the sick residents he’s in charge of from showering until they figure out what’s wrong with Suzanne is super messed up! No one knows what’s wrong with Suzanne at this point and a bunch of smelly, tired, and sick residents are not going to be able to solve it.
We cut to a patient room to see Suzanne’s sister telling her about how her daughter kissed someone named Taylor at school. We then find out that her sister’s been digging up dirt on DeLuca and Grey Sloan. She’s not happy. She’s seen the hospital hell article. Yikes! That’s when Dr. Riley walks in! She sets up her tablet and DeLuca is confused. Then she starts signing. The tablet is to connect her to her interpreter so she can communicate with them. She says she’s here for a consult with Dr. Grey who as you recall has no idea who this woman is because DeLuca didn’t tell her!
I love that they’re showing the different ways Deaf people working within the health care system can communicate. The Deaf community doesn’t get as much authentic representation as it should! Very cool! Dr. Riley introduces herself and DeLuca explains why she’s there. Suzanne warms to her immediately. Riley has no time for DeLuca’s nonsense and I love that! She asks him to tell Dr. Grey that she’s here already. She clearly thinks this is Mer’s case and it’s not which is going to cause a problem sooner or later. Also, there’s a big difference between using someone’s name to entice someone and saying they’re going to be working with them which is apparently what DeLuca did. Idiot.
I loved Suzanne’s sisters comment, “Wow. The competency is just slapping me in the face right now.” She is having none of DeLuca’s crap right now and I love it! Tom comes to interview everyone. Owen tells him that since Alex took a personal leave he’s been filling in as interim chief. To which Tom replies, “Cool story bro.” Oh Tom. He’s like an elephant. He never forgets and he never forgives. Tom tells Richard what he thinks is good news. That his job is safe. Richard doesn’t see it that way. Tom tells him that Catherine wants him at Grey Sloan enough to buy a craptastic hospital and pretend it’s an investment. Richard’s a hard no on that one. He says, “I thought I could do this because I miss Grey Sloan. Because I miss Bailey and Meredith and Bokhee and OR 2. God how I miss OR 2! But if Catherine thinks she can just move me where she wants like she’s playing chess?”
Richard refuses to be Catherine’s pawn. Tom tries to talk him down and does a terrible job of it! “You tell Dr. Fox she can go to hell!” Checkmate bitch! You go Richard Webber! Meanwhile in the ER Levi treats an old married couple. They’re in town to attend the Seattle Ballroom Dance Championships. They won 5 Championships back in their day! It turns out the wife has cancer and it’s terminal so they’re out living their best life. They’re very sweet and it’s very sad. Maggie is interviewing to get her job back. Tom’s on his phone. LOL! He hires her back but as an attending working under Teddy because she ghosted them.
Bailey comes to see a patient of hers who’s a foster kid that Ben brought in. He wants to know where his siblings are. Bailey has to tell them that they were taken by child services because legally she has a duty to report. He’s understandably distraught. Maggie examines Suzanne at Dr. Riley’s request. She needs another procedure. Her sister is pissed. Dr. Riley explains their approach and Suzanne agrees to the procedure. Out in the hall Dr. Riley asks DeLuca where Dr. Grey is. He says she’s in surgery. Maggie walks up and says she’s not in surgery she right there and points to her. She leaves to book an OR.
Okay it’s one thing to lie to get someone to consult on your case which is bad enough but it’s quite another to lie and say someone is in surgery in front of their sister whose your ex when they’re actually standing two metres away. What the hell? DeLuca’s defining characteristic at this point in the series is that he’s an asshole. He does whatever he wants to get what he wants and he doesn’t care about the consequences. I wish they’d just write him off already! Dr. Riley walks over to Mer. She introduces herself and says it’s good to finally meet her. Mer thinks she’s her consult from UCLA. DeLuca tries to correct her and says she’s from UCSF. She asks if Suzanne is her patient and Mer tells her she’s consulted but that’s it.
Mer says she’s at a loss and that she’s heard great things about her. She says it was great to meet her, but she has to go because she’s being paged. She leaves and Dr. Riley is livid. She calls DeLuca out on the fact that he lied to her. DeLuca says he prefers the word lured. What an ass! Dr. Riley’s had enough. She’s leaving. DeLuca really has no redeeming qualities at this point. DeLuca stops her and says that if she leaves now the case will drive her crazy because it will keep her up at night because it’s too rare, they’re too lost, and she’s too good to just walk away. He’s projecting here. That’s how HE feels not her. God he’s such an ass.
Meanwhile Tom is making Owen wait till the very end to be interviewed because Owen was an ass to him and Tom’s petty like that. Amelia and Link talk in the green room. She says she’s getting the results back tonight. She wants to know what’s going to happen with them when they get the results back. Link says he doesn’t know. She asks him if he can try to know. She says he told her he loves her and asks if that’s true and if he wants to be with her and be in her baby’s life. He says that her and Owen have a complicated history and he feels that will shape her future if Owen’s the father. Links says he loves her, but he needs to know. Amelia says okay and leaves. I’m struggling to understand Link’s behaviour here. If he loves her it shouldn’t matter who the biological father is.
Jackson runs into Maggie and they talk about Koracick as well as Catherine and Richard’s break up. They banter and laugh. I’m glad they’re not fighting anymore. I always liked them better as friends. I hope they get back to that. Meanwhile Hayes catches up to Meredith in the hallway. The way she smiles when he calls out to her makes my heart melt! Hayes asks Mer if she’s seen his boys by any chance. She says no and asks if they’re hiding or maybe just wandering? He says they’re trying to torture him by making sure they’re late for the parent teacher conference. The way she smiles while talking to Hayes about his boys and her kids gives me butterflies! She looks radiant! THAT is what true chemistry looks like!
Hayes says that sometimes he thinks he hates them. He says he doesn’t know how Mer does it. The kids, the job, staying sane. Mer’s response is “Who says I’m sane?” She says that the city shut off her water once because she forgot to pay the bill and she didn’t even notice. Her daughter had to tell her. Oh Mer! Never change. The two of them laugh about the joys of parenting and having to juggle it all. Just then Levi calls Mer to look at some scans. Hayes says he’ll leave her to it and goes to find his boys. I love the easy rapport they’re building between the two of them and I love the way she smiles when he’s around.
Levi brings Mer in to talk to the old couple. The wife’s cancer has spread to the rest of her body. If they tried to operate it’s unlikely she’d recover. This is it. Levi is moved to tears as are we. Maggie goes to operate on Suzanne. Dr. Knox welcomes her back and Suzanne is concerned. She tells Maggie that the Taylor her daughter kissed is a girl. She needs her cool supportive Mom not her uptight Aunt. And her other daughter was already an orphan once and she won’t recover if Suzanne dies so she really needs Maggie to save her. Maggie reassures her. They’ve got her. Suzanne’s speech made me tear up. She really loves her kids. The husband of the dying woman Levi’s been treating comes to talk to him. He says Levi reminds him of his grandson and asks him if he can help a sad old man with a very big favour. Levi says he’ll do anything. My heart!
Maggie and DeLuca operate on Suzanne. Is this guy who can barely do his job seriously trying to backseat drive the head of cardio? For real? Who the hell does he think he is? As Maggie says Suzanne isn’t here for her feelings she’s here for her hands and her expertise and that is her focus and it should be his too. That is what separates a great surgeon from a hack. Maggie gets that, but DeLuca never will it seems. Following the surgery Maggie and DeLuca come to see Dr. Riley. She decided to stay after all. Dr. Riley says that when Suzanne wakes up they need to withdraw all treatment. Dr. Riley believes the medication is masking the cause of Suzanne’s illness and they need it to present itself so they can treat her properly. DeLuca is concerned because if they do what she’s asking Suzanne could go into septic shock and die within a short period of time. Maggie thinks Dr. Riley’s suggestion is reckless and cavalier. But it’s not her case or place to decide. She leaves and tells DeLuca to follow up.
DeLuca still disagrees but as Dr. Riley points out he asked for her recommendation and this is it. Levi comes in and asks to borrow the other residents. DeLuca tells him to go in his typical dismissive fashion. Owen is still waiting to find out if he has a job. Amelia comes to talk to him. Owen is enraged but as Amelia points out Tom hates him because he stole his girlfriend. He won. He got the girl, the family, the whole Megillah. Tom’s messing with him because he’s in pain and he’s lonely. Her advice is to let him have his fun. Owen asks how she does it. Feel everyone’s feelings so deeply all the time. Owen says it must be exhausting. Amelia says it is. She rests her head on his shoulder for a minute and then leaves. This scene was not as bad as I was anticipating from the thumbnail I saw. It was actually quite sweet.
Over in the cafeteria the residents have lit candles and put out flowers. They bring the dying woman out to meet her husband who’s in a tux. They reminisce about the day they met. He asks her to dance. His wife is worried because she doesn’t have a gown and looks terrible. Levi hands her a floral bell sleeved feather trimmed robe that she can put on over her hospital gown. Her husband tells her she looks exquisite. Helm puts on the song Moon River and the two of them dance in a candlelit cafeteria like they’re on the world’s best stage! My heart! More people come to watch them dance including the cafeteria staff, some of the nurses, Nico, and Meredith. We find Richard sitting outside on a bench. Jackson comes to talk to him. He says he’s already been to a meeting, he doesn’t want to come home to an empty house, and he’s not sure where he works so he’s just sitting there.
Jackson says he works here and Richard says it’s not by choice. They were building something at Pac North and Catherine took it all away with a phone call to the bank. Jackson says it’ll pass. It’s bad now but soon enough him and Catherine will be joking about it over coffee. Wow. Jackson really doesn’t get it. Shaking my head over here. I loved his line, “Son, After Godzilla’s done stomping all over Tokyo the Mayor doesn’t take Godzilla to brunch.” Sing it Richard!
Next we find Meredith in the Attending's Lounge. Bailey walks in. Mere talks about how she’s feeling. She says, “There was a time when I would have made a dance floor for the dying old lady. Andrew and I broke up the night of my trial and there was a time when that would’ve meant months of drama for me. But instead I went home and went to bed and I woke up and I was just excited to go practice medicine. I used to be a romantic. I would’ve been the one to build the dance floor in the cafeteria.” And now she’s leaving the dance floors to the residents. Bailey says she’s not lacking in passion she’s just grown up a little. I’m so glad they’re friends again! Next she asks, “What would you do if Ben dumped you?” “I’d burn him to the ground.” Sing it Bailey! They’re called exes for a reason!
That’s what Mer needs to do. Burn DeLuca to the ground, move on, and start over. I like their talk here. Mer used to be a romantic. She used to be the person who built houses of candles and did big romantic gestures. But when Derek died she stopped being that person. She deserves someone who makes her feel that way again. And no one. Not Riggs or DeLuca or Thorpe or that transplant surgeon or anyone else has made her feel that way. The way that Derek did. She deserves to feel that way again with someone who truly loves her and wants to be a part of her family. I hope she finds it. I do. I hope she finds someone that makes her want to be a romantic again. I think Hayes could be that person and I hope that we get to see it!
Because she deserves it and that’s what Derek would want for her. He wouldn’t want her to close herself off or settle for second best or some fling. He’d want her to find love again, true love, with someone deserving of her. Jackson comes in and tells them that Richard walked because he doesn’t want to work on Koracick’s terms and honestly neither does he. He asks if they’re just going to let this happen. Bailey’s all hell no! She’s not going to sit by helpless while her family gets split apart again. They’re going to do something about this. Finally!
DeLuca’s speaking with Suzanne and her sister. They’re explaining what they want to do. Her sister is pissed. She thinks they’re giving up. She pleads with Suzanne to let her transfer her to another hospital. That’s when Dr. Riley steps in. She explains that she has three sisters. She talks about each of them and then talks to Suzanne’s sister directly. She explains that she’s too sick to be moved safely and even if they could there’s no one better than her. She explains that because she’s Deaf she’s learned to listen with her whole body and that when the medications are gone the disease can start talking so she can figure out what’s wrong with her and hopefully save her life.
With that she convinces them. Suzanne consents to the withdrawal of treatment. Dr. Riley leaves the room and DeLuca follows her. He tells her that he also has a sister and starts to compliment her. That’s when Dr. Riley stops him. She’s an only child. Daaaamn. Look at her. Getting the job done. I did not see that coming. Dr. Riley you continue to surprise me. Well done! I really like the way they’ve written Dr. Riley so far. Her Deafness is one part of her but it’s not the sole focus. As it should be. She’s a real character with complexity not a stand in and that’s cool.
We cut to the boardroom. Where Tom has just been paged by Bailey, Jackson, Richard, Meredith, and Owen. Shit is about to go down. Buckle up. They tell him the hospital board of which most of them are members has come to a decision. They’re all prepared to quit. Mic drop! “I’m sensing a but.” Right you are Tom! They explain that Dr. Fox wouldn’t really like that as she wants them here at Grey Sloan and she’ll wonder why Tom didn’t do more to protect her Crown Jewel hospital. They’ve only just recovered from the hospital hell article and as Meredith says, “We could blame me for that or we could just remember that I’m a Catherine Fox Foundation award winner and a media darling and I mean you want me here.” Like a boss! And that’s why 16 seasons later we still love her. She gets stuff done like the badass she is.
As Bailey as Tom can’t afford to lose all his best doctors and his inability to see that could cause Catherine to rethink the whole Chief of Chiefs title, salary, and benefits. Tom concedes. He asks them to name their terms. Bailey says they’re a family. He doesn’t get to rule with an iron fist, not anymore. Their terms are as follows. Owen and Richard get their jobs back. Teddy and Maggie become co-chiefs and he finds the money to cover it. Alex and Hayes become co-chiefs as well or they all quit. Boom!
If Justin Chambers was still on the show this is definitely a scene he’d been in. Fighting for Grey Sloan with the rest of them no doubt. Their deal is this: he agrees to their terms and gets to take all the credit with Catherine. They get their hospital back and he gets to save face. It’s a win win. Tom agrees. It’s a triumphant moment! Tom leaves the room and we hear everyone cheering. It’s great for our heroes but not for Tom. It must be hard hearing everyone cheer at your destruction. Amelia’s right. Tom’s in pain and he’s taking it out on everyone else. Tom is such a complex and interesting character. Greg Germann brings such beautiful complexity to his portrayal.
Nico and Levi are getting it on in an on call room. But soon Levi stops. He says he doesn’t just want sex. He says he wants a dance partner. He wants what that old couple have. Nico asks if he’s reciting a poem or if he’s being literal. Levi is frustrated. Nico is confused. Next we see Link in the green room. Jeez there are a lot of plants in there! They’ve definitely added more. It’s getting a bit excessive in my opinion. I mean how many plants do you need? Amelia looks through the window at him. He doesn’t see her. She takes a shaky breath then walks away. Link gets a text. It’s from Amelia. She says she’s sorry but she didn’t run the test. She needs more time. This part really pissed me off. I get that she needs more time but Amelia should have told Link that sooner. I hate that they’re drawing this storyline out. Just get the damn test already! Ugh!
As Meredith’s voice over plays we see Jo come home to a dark empty flat. The future for her and Alex uncertain. Meredith's voice over in this episode is about time and how we're struggling to overcome the simple inescapable truth that eventually everything ends. But that for every clock that counts down another restarts and when one thing ends something new always begins. I feel like this is one of those voice overs that can be taken in a variety of ways depending on how you look at it and which ships you're rooting for. You could take it as Meredith realizing that her relationship with DeLuca has ended and that she needs to move on. Or that Amelia and Link's relationship might be ending. Or that Jo and Alex might be over. Or you could take it the opposite way. It's very open ended.
Until next time!
Now that I have gotten over the ending of the episode, onto the other stuff ? (Dynasty 3.06)
I mostly didn't even understand what Blake and Cristal were upto until the very end but I sort of get it now? Everything now seems like a long shot? Blake still confessed to the murder, what are they doing about that?
Jeff running around Atlanta on Instagram Live offering money for absolute bull was such an influencer thing to do but also petty and I enjoyed how he is so intent on sending Blake to jail? Thank God they even mentioned that Jeff is a professional in a field and more than sending all Carringtons to jail. Although, he just went ahead and told Blake and Cristal that he was following them? Why warn them and not catch them off-guard instead?
I was mildly surprised we got this montage of Culhane and Vanessa running from those reporters and it was sort of cute? He did give her the strength to stand up for herself. That's a good thing.
But then, Dominique warned him to stay away and basically told him how she nurtured Vanessa into a project as a manager. Cool.
And then Vanessa said the same stuff but about her step-mother and Culhane obviously figured that out. Sort of want him to tell Jeff and Monica because they are friends (?)
Kirby wants Sam to start dating again but Sam doesn't want to. She then convinces him, gets him set up with his employee and Sam is reasonable because lawsuits. But really, how the hell is she going to Savannah with a guy she saw not one day ago and talked to for not more than 5 seconds? Girl, WHY? It also really reminds me of Steven and how his wild trip of self-discovery led to everything. Gosh, you could see that look on Sam's face. The "WTF not again" look.
Evan, who got mad when Fallon cancelled on dinner with his mother, broke some showpiece. Then took some of her hair from her comb and took it on an envelope. Why? I CANNOT understand. Also, can we safely assume he is also mildly obsessed with her because he went around jabbing Liam and telling him to stay away and then looked crazed when Fallon kissed Liam?
This brings me to. Fallon kissed Liam. Finallllyyy. After many many episodes of watching my girl be heartbroken, he gave a very softboi speech on how he remembered so much about her. Specifically how his life would be nothing without her in it. YAS!
Snort at the one person saying "can someone else ask a question?" but Liam not giving a fuck.
Monica clapping her hands and going all I SHIP! at Falliam is a MOOD. Also, her bread idea and then watching Fallong brutally murder that bread. Ugh, I felt so bad for Fallon through most of the episode. Liam mentioning all those vacations and Fallon's face falling a little every time. I was so sad. I can only imagine how wrecking it must be for her. I was so proud when she decided to just step away because it was emotionally too much for her. And of course that triggered a part of Liam because how can he let her walk away when his life is nothing without her? Asdjkfghdidh
And OF COURSE, how can I forget!!! The last Falliam scene. To be very honest, I wanted a scene like that but was keeping my hopes low and this turned out to be like early Christmas?? Going all "Do you remember this?" "I don't think so." Smexy babiess.
So, I really want Vanessa to step out of Dominique crazy plan for whatever sort of world domination. I just can't seem to like Dominique. Her motivations still do not make sense to me. Every episode she has some other trick up her sleeve? Only one thing remains consistent. Publicity.
And wait, where was Anders this episode? Maybe he could have stopped Kirby from her retreat. Bad parenting Anders shows again.
I also really liked the yellow top Fallon wore. Liz really pulls off all the clothes so well. hOw?!
Now going to just go back and stick my head into Falliam GIFs.
@ the girl who lives south of savannah, GIRL I LIVE 20 MINUTES AWAY FROM SAVANNAH and i was there walking around at the same time the twins were when they came here in march. when they did the segway tour, i saw the lady on their story who was their tour guide with a different group of people and i was like man wtf 😭 i swear the twins were probably behind me at some point and i just didnt see them im so pissed
ahhh omg 😭😭😭 i always say i wanna meet them so bad but if i ever saw them irl i’d probably shit my pants and not come up to them, i’m so shy and socially awkward i wouldn’t even know what to say
Harley & Harith skin(s) headcanon!
- sarcastic af :))
- caring ++++
- gentle bOi
- will help you do your homework
- sometimes outsmart you
- butterfly kisses!!!!
- as naughty as his name sounds :))
- will prank you
- but will be sorry if his prank go that far
- kind of crazy
- slightly possessive
- will let you boop his red clown nose
- a very good boi
- is so soft
- so kind!!!
- lets you pat his head
- loves kissing you on your forehead
- looks so evil but is a baby boi
- you are the one who tie his hair into a smOl ponytail
- rarely has time for you bc of his job :(
- very VERY cheesy
- he met you in the football stadium, you sat on the front row which lead to him noticing you & fell in love instantly
- loves stealing kisses ;) (especially when you are too focused on something)
- sometimes stealing kisses would lead to a heated session :0!!
- says the worst and the cheesiest pickup lines
- met you in the library
- constantly stalking you after he fell in love at first sight when he saw you in the library
- after a long long long time of stalking, he finally countered you and the two of you went on a date :)
- gets jealous easily
- "dOn'T sTarE at mY gIrlFriEnD!1!!"
- sometimes his possessiveness would take over and he would kidnap- jk take you home with him and ya know ;)
- yandere bOi
- very obsessed with you
- the most possessive amongst them all
- also get jealous easily like Great Inventor
- kisses you on the neck and then it will most likely turn into a heated make out session with him ;)
- i n s a n e
- you’re the only one who can calm him down
- flirts with you most of the time
- cute and scary at the same time, wtf
- very very gentle
- what a soft bOi
- ask for you permission most of the time
- "(Y/n), can I fight Harley? :DDD" "hArItH, nO— >:000"
- kisses you on the cheek
- kind of a flirt
- sacrifices himself for you 🤧
- piggyback rides!
- cute boi!
- a bit shy but won't hesitate to ask for a kiss from you
- hugs you from behind
- loves tackling you for no reason
- surprises you most of the time
- too pure for this world
- "I love you, (Y/n)," "Harith, for the hundreth time today—"
- BOI WHAT A FLIRT
- very happy to make you blush
- kind of a yandere
- looks like a baby boi but is actually evil
- would keep you in his room & lock you there THE WHOLE DAY
- slowly drives you insane bc he kept locking you in his room
- if kidnapping is a hobby then it would be his
- horny most of the time ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
savannah A to Z pls
A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)
well in the beginning, since she and caleb were usually putting their clothes on and hurriedly being like ‘ok thanks bye!!!’ which savannah hated, i think now that they are Grown and in a relationship, she takes more advantage of the time they can spend together?? the only exception to this is, if time prevents them from doing aka if they spend 1 more second in bed they’re gonna be suuuper late to work. otherwise she’s all about cuddling, maybe just talking and catching up on each other’s lives since they have really opposite schedules and what not?? probably with a shower thrown in and definitely donuts in bed.
B = Body part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)
savannah likes her legs because caleb loves them tbh. her favorite body part on him is probably his dimples. also like…..every bit of him that is tattooed which i know is a lot but IDC.
C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)
sav isn’t grossed out by it as much as some girls can be??? she doesn’t throw a fit you know, if it’s in her hair or on her clothes or anything. and when it comes to swallowing her feelings can be summed up by this gif:
and on that note the rest is gonna be under the cut lmao
D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)
there was One time when sav had to be treated for an sti and it still haunts her to this day. like she was pressured into not using a condom (and i say that loosely bc she was prob pretty drunk so didn’t need much convincing tbh) and then unfortunately a week or so following the incident she found out what a true piece of shit the guy was. and then slashed all of his tires and broke his car windows in true savannah fashion :)
E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)
she’s more experienced than she would care to admit. for a long time, sex was just sex to her, so she used it to fill different voids. she didn’t really treat her body like it was something that needed to be earned and gave it out a lot more willingly than she ever would now. so honestly she’s a bit embarrassed by the number, but it’s a good thing it will never get any bigger because she’s only going to be with caleb now forever yay!
F = Favorite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)
if they are having sex just to fuck around and get off (x) (x) cause they’re probably on the couch or in the car or something but y’know if they’re actually like makin love or whatever def something more like (x) so it’s more personal and they can ‘bond’ and what not lol.
G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)
in life in general i think she’s way less serious than caleb, so she’s probably a bit more playful and goofy when they’re in the moment together. there are probably times when things are a bit more dire like their many, MANY instances of break-up, apology, or angry sex which wouldn’t call for that kind of humor, but for the most part she keeps it pretty light and probably tries to bring it out of caleb too.
H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)
savannah keeps up with shaving pretty regularly. most of the time she’s hair-free, but when life is nuts she might occasionally have a little stubble here and there.
I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)
for not having like A+ role models to demonstrate how to be soft and tender and intimate with someone, sav is pretty good at it. she loves caleb so she’s very into making sure that his needs are met?? which is crazy bc savannah would usually be selfish af and only care about herself. but she’s really attentive at making sure caleb gets the attention that he wants and that he walks away satisfied.
J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)
both she and caleb are good at getting themselves off. once skype sex had to come into the picture because of the long distance thing and it was the only thing they could do, savannah became comfortable with touching herself and also adjusted to having someone else watch her do it. where before it may have been more of a private thing, once caleb moved to boston, all bets were off so sav got pretty into it.
K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)
exhibitionism and agoraphilia are probably the biggest two coming to mind, mostly because of the riskiness that each of them involves. sav will eternally be an adrenaline junkie so anything that gives her a thrill like that will be something she’s into.
L = Location (Favorite places to do the do)
hotels probably!! ever since their first anniversary thing, there’s just something sav loves about spending a weekend in a place with a view, a massive bed, someone to clean the sheets daily, big showers/bath tubs and room service. it just has lots of luxuries that they don’t regularly have when they are at home, so whenever they make a reservation somewhere savannah goes big or goes home.
M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)
honestly a few shots of tequila and a beer or two and she is Ready To Go. but it’s because she’s already suuuper attracted to caleb. like his almost quiet cockiness, lil bit of hard exterior/bad boy look, the tattoos. he really just has to look at her and smile and she’ll melt the big damn sap. but she is 100% about ass grabbing too. that’ll also do the trick.
N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)
other than like..the real gross bodily fluid nonsense sav probably wouldn’t ever consider a threesome. like maybe she had a stupid meaningless one before and i’m sure she can caleb joked about it in the past (him obvs wanting to have two girls and sav saying she would prefer two guys) but i don’t think it’s something she would ever do with caleb. the thought of him with another girl drives her nuts, let alone seeing it up close and personal and having to go along with it?? no way jose!!
O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)
usually giving because in her experience a lot of guys don’t know wtf they are doing lmao. so she’d rather just get off a different way or by herself bc nothing is worse than lying there and either waiting for them to figure it out or having the mood killed bc you’re trying to explain to them in detail wtf they are doing wrong. sav’s extra giving when it comes to caleb though and she’s never really been shy about her talent with it either. so lucky him!!
P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)
depends on how much time she has. she’s proficient when she needs to get the job done quickly and knows what works and what doesn’t in a time crunch. but if there’s time to draw things out (although it’s usually hard for her to move at a slow pace in her life in general) sav has the capability of mellowing out a bit during sex.
Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)
i feel like with their lives, probably a good 70% is probably quickies simply because they just can’t ever get the timing, the place, the circumstances, etc. right. so it’s kinda just something that they are used to. but it’s always so nice when they actually can take their time with things and thoroughly enjoy each other. i imagine they probably make time to have sex 4-5 days out of the week, but more if they can manage it.
R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)
savannah’s entire life is a risk??? so she’d be pretty down for anything.
S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)
for a smoker and someone who is 100% against working out, her stamina is pretty good. she can probably go 2-3 times in a day and she usually lasts about as long as caleb does. they’re pretty in sync with one another!
T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)
sav probably had to invest in some when they were doing the long distance thing. like before caleb if she wanted sex she could just go out and get it, but when her bf lived hundreds of miles away she had to get a little bit more creative. so she’s probably got a collection of a few things after trying different ones trying to find something that did the most comparable job to caleb haha. probably made darren go with her into the store too and i am literally Dying at the visual.
U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)
i feel like savannah teased caleb a loooot more in the beginning?? because there was that whole cat/mouse chase element to their relationship. but now that she has him, she doesn’t need to lay it on super thick the way that she used to. but she’ll still do it in small ways if she needs to get his attention or something.
V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)
savannah usually doesnt restrict herself in volume when they have sex, which is just one of the trillllion reasons her neighbors hate her lmao. i mean she has a loud mouth outside of the bedroom sooo if that’s any indication. usually it’s just a lot of moaning, panting and probably swearing too knowing her.
W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)
i’d say savannah doesn’t remember probably more than half of her sexual experiences. i feel like since she didn’t take them very seriously, most of them were liquor/drug fueled some probably even borderline consensual since there’s no way she could have had any idea what was going on.
X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)
Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)
it’s always kinda been on the higher side and then i think once she got with caleb and saw how good sex could be, especially when it was with someone you care about, it went up tremendously to the point where she can be pretty insatiable at times.
Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)
it depends.... because usually sav and caleb are running on -138 hours of sleep so if that’s the case, they can fall asleep pretty quickly afterward. if they have more time to kill and more chinese food to finish they’ll probably just take a break and sleep it off later.
Quick Thoughts on TRR Book 2 Chapter 18
• Predictions I had made for the two Finale chapters (probs not on my blog but I did say this to several mutuals):
1. Chapter 18 would be filler, Chapter 19 would be likely where shit hits the fan.
2. Diamond scenes would be split between the chapters, 2 LIs per chapter: Hana and Maxwell this chapter, Drake and Liam next chapter.
3. Why? Because Drake was the only LI with a diamond scene last week, and because given how ominous Liam’s future would be, there is a chance they will up the drama/tragedy quotient by having his diamond scene just before it strikes (remember how we got a love scene just before the fiasco at Coronation??). Hana and Maxwell have not had diamond scenes since NY, so obviously they would get a lion’s share of this chapter.
4. LIs would have significant conversations with the MC about their relationship during the diamond scenes. The scenes will be priced at 30 diamonds each - that was exactly how much they priced “last moments with LI” in Book 1. (I see they didn't do this for Maxwell possibly because no sex compared to what the other LIs are getting) (Future prediction: I think Drake’s scene might have some stuff on his real role in court but I can’t be sure, and hopefully Liam’s will expand on family history).
5. Another future prediction: We may or may not get another plot related diamond scene (similar to Olivia’s in the Book 1 finale).
• I didn’t anticipate the impromptu photoshoot or Bertrand and Savannah reuniting or Madeleine appearing at the end (tho I wasn’t exactly surprised she did, we were bound to see her sometime or other). But the rest? On. The. Money 😎
• Okay let’s start this shizz fam!
• Today’s title: Noble At Heart. Though it actually should have been I Got Land and A Fancy Title Only Because Pixelberry Wants to Justify Getting Me Involved In Some Really Complicated Political Shit The Next Book.
• We’re still not done impressing people. In fact we’re never going to be done impressing people. I fail to understand why the MC is so surprised about this. Boo, this is what you signed up for by being royalty/nobility. You’re not GOING to have a life of your own from now on *shrug*.
The epic shade Bertrand Beaumont, Duke of Ramsford, gave to Prince Leo tho 😂
I KNEW naming my duchy Daniel Henney was a good idea! 😁😁😁
• There are mixed responses on Liam’s new suit but I kinda like it? It defines his chest quite nicely I think xD xD I wish it had been a slightly duller/lighter shade of blue tho, similar to what we saw on the cover. The blue suit on the cover wasn’t this bright.
• I really wish his bow could have been silver instead of gold though? Blue and silver are Cordonia’s national colours and it would have been fitting to have him wear those to the Homecoming Ball.
• Also I think the extra diamond scene if you’re engaged to Liam is such a lovely bonus, even if I think the dress for that picture was a little too top-heavy for my tastes and WTF why does my MC have two left hands. But the picture looked sweet xD
(See the skirts are flowy and wonderful and the sleeves are lovely but I feel like there’s too much going on with the bodice!)
• Sample this dialogue exchange (if the MC says “we would have still found a way to be with each other”):
Liam: I know we have our share of history [in the palace ballroom], but to me, it will always be the place where I first saw you in Cordonia…the moment I realized you had come into my life to stay. Since then, I’d wondered time and again if I would ever stand beside you like this. Now that we’re engaged, there are a million memories I want to make with you.
MC: No matter how bleak things were, or how hard it got…I knew we’d find a way through.
Brb crying 😭😭😭😭
• I have a feeling there might be some emotional importance to this photograph later if you buy it - esp if something happens to Liam or they are not able to get married yet. It could be a reminder of happier, more hopeful times, or Liam could look at this and view it as motivation for a future he wants to give the MC. IDK how it will work out but it would be great if they did that.
• MC: Together, we’ll be unstoppable.
Liam: I think we already are.
Hold on to that thought, you two. You’ll need to prove it pretty soon the way this book is going.
• @feisty-mary pointed out that we get a caption for impressing Justin and speculated on a likelihood that it might have some importance in the future. That kinda depends on how the writers are going to spin his cryptic “our paths may cross again”. Ally? Enemy? He’s like Madeleine now, you don’t know yet which direction this character will be headed.
• Why did they make Hana’s selection look like an over-frosted cupcake? 😣 Stop doing my fashion queen dirty.
• Olivia’s selection was nice but I’m not sure about the tiaras for either.
• It’s interesting how they have gowns that are custom-made to suit what Liam is wearing (Hana mentions this): the pink gown I’m guessing is meant to suit Liam’s blue suit overall, and the gold one to match his bow.
• Fam this tiara is clashing with my pretty gold hairclip help.
• Now that Olivia has found out who was responsible for the threats, can’t do anything about it because it would hurt Liam, and basically feels she has nothing left to investigate, her work seems done. But is it really?
• There’s still so much story left to Olivia. Esp re: her parents. That’s why they’re keeping her appearances limited to just helping the MC this book. Book 2 is supposed to be about the MC clearing her name and defining her relationships, but Book 3 will undeniably be about Cordonia. Olivia’s story is a big part of that history so I guess it makes sense for them to put it off till then. @ladynevrakis and I have this theory going on about how Olivia’s parents might have been trying to protect Liam’s mom - I personally think that would be a great way to tie those two stories together!
• Only Olivia Vanderwall Nevrakis, Duchess of Lythikos, would suggest placing her future queen in a dungeon. Only Olivia 😂
• I’m not going to say much about the Hana lake scene, esp since it’s largely a sex scene and the non-diamond buildup is just as important, BUT HANA STANS CONGRATULATIONS I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
• So Hana’s going to stay with us, Drake might stay/visit, Maxwell might visit, Olivia might return to court when she hears about Liam and Liam…man that depends on what happens next chapter 😟 So we’re kinda starting to get a clearer idea of where the gang will be at.
• The scene with the guys, Bertrand, Savannah and Bartie was sweet, but my lack of investment in Bertrand/Savannah doesn’t really let me enjoy it. I think PB did all three characters (Bertrand, Savannah, Maxwell) a disservice by handling that story the way they did. Savannah’s story started out as this very emotionally charged mystery that kept Drake going in Book 1, and people got invested enough, but IMO it was handled so shoddily you end up feeling irritated at Savannah and Maxwell for how they handled things, and saddened because Bertrand’s entire character gets shortchanged so that the only thing he seems to care about anymore is Savannah (which is fine, but the reason I liked Bertrand in the first place was the way he was depicted before she came along). So Savannah is still a big part of Drake’s story, and the Beaumont brothers’ history, but the investment in her is simply not there anymore. At least for me. Sigh.
• Also CONGRATULATIONS MAXWELL STANS! The screenshots I saw looked sweet and I’m glad they had that all-important chat about how they want to move forward. I’m guessing Maxwell’s relationship will take time since they’d just confessed to their feelings in NY and they’d need a lot more development as a couple before they reach that stage. But I’m guessing that will happen in Book 3! Splurge on those diamond development scenes like your life depends on it till then! XD
If Liam is sending his personal security detail to guard me…then who’s guarding Liam?? 😱 😱 😱
• Adeleide looks very happy for the mother of a thwarted almost-queen. But she did mention that becoming royalty was changing Madeleine for the worse so I’m guessing she thinks her daughter almost dodged a bullet there. Plus, free booze.
This is Adeleide when she talks about Madeleine.
• I’m totally waiting for you to get that “hip hopera” of yours’ ready, Maxwell. Like Elvis Presley would say…
• I like the idea of Bertrand getting some love in his life…I just want to be able to enjoy the good ol’ curmudgeony go-getter Bertrand we all grew to love while we’re at it. Is that too much to ask for, PB? Is it?
• “Will Madeleine spoil your big night?” - I don’t think you would have placed her so early in the next chapter if that was the case, PB, cmon (then again, the message at the end of Chapter 18 last book didn’t sound that threatening either and look what happened there. So I could be wrong). Plus, I think we have bigger threats to worry about, threats we don’t even know about yet.
• So I saw a screenshot of what would happen if you’re with Liam and tell Hana you still want her, and she seems okay with it. I have the same problems with this scene that I have with the other scene - in fact more so because at this stage the MC is officially engaged to the other LI. But you know what worries me more? That there was such an intense reaction when Liam did it (including people stating they were glad they did not choose him and comments on Liam’s “integrity” - thankfully most of the people I followed pointed out how OOC it was) but almost-radio-silence when it came to the other LIs doing the same thing. I mean Drake last chapter still got to imply that he’d be more than happy to take us up on that offer if we chose the “tour of the room” option, and Hana here immediately agrees to what the MC wants if she implies that she is willing to cheat on Liam with her (unless the MC has Liam’s consent on this, that’s what it is). Very few actually commented on either. That’s not fair, fam. You can’t hold one LI accountable for something like this and not say anything about the others.
(People who may have taken the option to have sex with Liam while being with the other LI, and continued the chapter, does the MC inform their LI about this development?)
For me, the problem in both cases is that the MC doesn’t bother to ask the other person. She doesn’t say “look this is what I want to do, but I want to talk to both you and my fiance before I move forward”. She just takes what she wants from whoever she wants and the LIs just let her. It makes me feel sorry for them and really angry at her.
• Is it me or will Hana have an outdoor kink too? Homegirl has her first time with the woman she loves just as the setting sun kisses the lake xD
• Next chapters the finale, fam. The sex is going to be HELLA. The drama is going to be HELLA. And the wait for Book 3 is going to be…not hella.
• Will Liam finally have sex with my MC in a bedroom? Or will we find some other nice outdoorsy place since the hedge maze is already done? Whatever it is, we’d better get a scene absolutely worth 30 diamonds. No fade-to-black bullshit. LIAM STANS WILL RIOT.
• This is my MC to Liam next chapter:
Credit to @callmetippytumbles the genius who began the trend of putting gifs on her “Thoughts” posts. I can’t imagine NOT using them now thanks to you 😂
i was playing something
in this communal area and it was like not gaia online but i called it that and it was creepy kinda and add in about the game it was like i was looking for the next part of the story so i guess it started out like sky but ended up being something else and i was in this massive castle thing where i was vulnerable and after a bit i said i was lost and the guys tried to help me
and these three guys were in the same game also but not with me and we started being friends and cameron griffiths was one of them but the other two i didn’t recognise but there was only 2 of them irl in the gaming room we were in
we got into a different game that was supposed to be astroneer but it turned into something else and we were starting and i was new and they were with the log wood people???? the boss sort lady spoke cantonese so i badly spoke it back and i was “in” the sentence was i like to listen to music and i said i speak cantonese i also like to listen to music
there was also one point before this but after gaia
me, brad, rubii, and a third person i couldn’t place were shopping?? shopping centre was a lil weird but i guess it incorporated me thinking about savannah cos we both didn’t like savannah instead and we were friends and we got this cake ????i could draw it it was like flat vertical and the cover went over it and there was an extra flat thing that looked like a coffee template that i slid in somewhere
going back to the game dream where idk if it was gaia or not but we had challenges and before that there was this like section where we were idk marching??? and i walked all the way to where the boys where, chatted a bit and went to the bathroom and two ladies were “freebleeding” sitting in these sink things?? but they stopped and the other one was like why did you stop its just another girl and the other one was like idk she might not like freebleeding not everyone does and I was like i dont mind keep going this is your space or smth and got into the cubicle and idk if i was on my period or not but they were announcing the “best newbie” award or some shit and that’s how i found out my name
my name was hollie somethingi’veforgotten and i missed the award because i was in the bathroom
later we were actually marching and i’d lost my place but i saw the boys so i just got in line randomly and made friends with another girl who was also lost - i think this is where i also accidentally meet another guy that knows the boys and is out of place??
next challenge we were in the line and the line got tot he front and there was an fox and the girl pointed it out and bc i wasn’t listening i had no idea what we were actually doing so i got very low key scared of the fox and the way it was being pointed out but we got to the front and i guess we had to remember something??? but there was candy all on the table in bowls and plates and the large guinea pig character behind the table took some and the girl used her mouth to suck in and up a large freckle chocolate thing so i did the same it was in a bowl in the middle and we both had plates of what looks like a lot of skittles or m&ms but we walked around to the boys and i found another girl i guess i knew (maybe from shopping) and hugged her and saw the boys and another boy was like wtf you know everyone and the boys/cameron??? was like yeah she’s our friend tho or smth
i guess we switched games or restarted something cos we were in the loading screen again out of game in character out of game character and first guy that looks kinda like uhhh ??? plop from the office maybe or like bumper from pitch went from robot to this animal like character and the same happened with cameron but he was a different animal based character
and then i woke up?
Mon 9th March
Safari Day 3 - Serengeti & Ngorongongo Park
Some would say a wet mattress is a sign of bad luck.
Sean & Jane would probably sit in that category.
They both looked KNACKERED the next morning at breakfast and I cringed as I asked them how their night was. I had to ask though, I’m British! It’s what you say!
‘Awful’ she replied. She was looking straight at me and there was a strange look in her eye. Did she think...no, she can’t think...
‘We’ve basically had no sleep’ she continued, her eye contact wavering at this point. ‘Well, Sean’s had a bit and I’ve not. How was your night?’
Ok I was sure I was started to detect a hint of accusation in her tone. Maybe I was imagining it.
It was weird though, because we were constantly trying to get a balance between bigging up the tour that they had recommended to us, so that they felt good about it, but then also not having too good a time incase we were having a better time than them. Which we clearly were.
I blame the Romanians.
‘...yeah, it was fine’, I began, ‘My mattress was a bit wet too but it was ok when I turned it over...’.
Was that the right answer or the wrong one? I just couldn’t tell. It’s like saying ‘Yeah my mattress was wet too, so it wasn’t just you guys who suffered, but hey look at me - I just got on with it!’
It felt like we couldn’t win.
If we’d had a perfectly good night sleep it was unfair, but if we’d had a bad night sleep, it was like saying they couldn’t complain cos we had it just as bad as them - when clearly we didn’t.
What can you do other than just tell the truth and hope they will take it well?!
We guiltily began to feel grateful that the Jeeps groups were being kept apart for dining and went off to enjoy breakfast with our happy Romanian friends.
We started off with a beautiful sunrise safari in the Serengeti and it was a bit of a pinch me moment. Pink and orange skies and grasshopper safari sounds all around us. I could practically hear music from the Lion King on repeat in my head. We watched the hot air balloons beautifully glide overhead and kept our eyes peeled for any early risers of the animal kingdom. We saw hippos and birds and a serval cat very briefly - but no big cats. The overnight rain had caused a major problem to the roads and we realised that we were quite limited with where we could go due to the muddy tracks. At one stage, we had travelled for an hour seeing NOTHING at all, then got to a point in the track where loads of vehicles were struggling on an incredibly muddy single vehicle track. As one jeep tried to pass another, it had to go sideways up a bank - but as it did so, it slipped down the bank side on with the other jeep and crashed into it!
Luckily it was all quite slow and there was no major damage, but now these two jeeps were in a sort of V shape squashed together blocking the track for everyone.
By the reaction of the drivers, it was just another day on safari! They were so relaxed about it.
Eventually it got sorted and we drove off in search of animals again but apart from the amazing sunrise, it had not been a particularly fruitful morning safari. Oh, apart from our driver - Alfani - helping to fix a broken down jeep. Our driver was not amazing at spotting wild animals we’d realised, but he sure knew how to fix a car!
Then suddenly, we got a tip off from another vehicle that there was a lion nearby and we headed to a potential cat spotting area as quickly as the muddy tracks allowed. We zoomed through the savannah trying to avoid the huge muddy puddles, crossing all our fingers and toes that we’d get a sighting.
And then there she was.
A huge female lion!
She crossed the road and ran up a tree to pose and yawn in front of us while we (I) snapped away with my camera.
Then she stayed in position for OVER HALF AN HOUR!
We felt so lucky.
We looked around at all the vehicles arriving, desperate to see Jeep 2 somewhere amongst them. C’mon we are nice people, OF COURSE we wanted the Irish couple to get a sighting of the lioness too.
Mainly to avoid a very awkward conversation later.
But we couldn’t see them. Oh gaad.
Luckily, when we got back to the campsite to collect our belongings and have breakfast before leaving the Serengeti, they confirmed they too had seen a lion. PHEW! They seemed pretty happy now too. Perhaps the bad nights sleep was just a distant memory now. Maybe this was the turning point we’d been hoping for. Maybe all prejudice in the world will stop soon and there will be equality for all.
Yeah. Maybe not.
The drive back through the Serengeti didn’t feel as long as the day before and we spotted hyenas, vultures, giraffes as we headed to the evenings campsite. We were crossing our fingers that the campsite would be a step up from the previous night, but mainly praying that we would be the first car to arrive so we could choose our tents and use the showers first! Screw equality for all, we wanted a nice tent!
And rumour had it this campsite had HOT WATER. Can you imagine it? Hot water in the middle of the African plains. Plus people had definitely cottoned on to the first come first serve vibes, so we really needed to be selective about our jeep stops along the way. On Day 1 we would have stoped for a bloody dragonfly. But now we were old hat at safari! Professionals mate. Pah, another wildebeest? BORING. Hit that goddam pedal dude, them tents aren’t going to pick themselves.
We finally got to the campsite as dusk was falling and luckily, we WERE one of the first jeeps! Oh sweet lord! And it wasn’t raining! You don’t realise how much you love NO rain, until it rains while camping with an ancient tent and lack of hot water. Not tonight though!
We got our pick of the tents and I quickly grabbed my stuff to head to the showers.
I practically skipped there, humming a little tune to myself.
The thing with rumours is that they are often false. I’d forgotten that.
The shower I went in was absolute dog shit, a pathetic excuse of a shower. I attempted to wash my hair under a cold trickle of water but I gave up after about 5 seconds. It’ll have to be a basic body wash this time, I thought, shivering under the cold dribble.
As I left the cubicle, I noticed the one next to me had the distinct sound of flowing water. WTF.
And did she have hot water?? I couldn’t resist asking.
‘Hey! Excuse me! Is your shower HOT?’
‘Umm, I wouldn’t say hot...but its not cold’
Well that was enough for me to decide to wait for her shower and go for Hot shower take 2.
So I waited. And waited. And waited. I swear to god this fecker seemed to think that there would be a limitless water supply and took AAAAAAGES. By the time she finally came out, there were 3 more people queuing for it. I’ll tell you what really does my nut in, its when there are limited showers, such as a situation exactly like this one, and people STAY in the cubicle to fully dry off and get dressed and brush their hair and blah blah blah. NAH babe, GET OUT OF THE SHOWER CUBICLE there are another 100 stinky safari bitches out here and we ain’t got all night ffs!
This was going to be the Romanians last evening with us, as they were doing one day less safari’ing than us - so it was sad times! But they were still going to be with us for the full day the next day, so it wasn’t over quite yet. And we were already planning our trip to go and visit them.
We went to the dinner room and saw the separate tables again, giving Sean and Jane a little wave. Then I thought, frig it - we should make the effort and join the tables. Even though part of me didn’t want to, I felt like it was the right thing to do.
So I suggested it to them and they looked pleased, ‘Yeah great idea, lets do it’ they said.
Phil and I walked over to their table and helped to carry it along with their chairs and plates over to join the end of our table to make one big long table. Great!
Except it wasn’t really, was it.
For some unknown reason, our table was way better than theirs. In so many ways.
We had proper chairs, but their chairs were camping chairs WITH NO BACK ON THEM. I watched Jane’s eyes hover over to our plates, ‘Wow you guys have fancy plates and stuff. Ours are basic’
How was it so awkward so fast.
I prayed Jane wouldn’t spot our metal cutlery. I’d already seen they had plastic. I COULDN’T TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS.
In hindsight, having their table right next to ours was a terrible idea.
Every dish that came over to our table was scrutinised by them to see if it was better than their food. Which of course, it was. Even if it wasn’t, it just was.
Their table was quiet and their conversations were forced and, well, kinda boring to be honest.
Our chat was better, our laughter was louder and our Romanian love story was blossoming right before their eyes. I reckon it almost felt like we’d invited them over to sit with us so we could show them just how much fun we were having. We hadn’t. (Really. We hadn’t. I swear).
The difference between the two now-joined groups was so starkly opposite that it probably just confirmed to them that we were solely responsible for their safari being second best. Which in a way, it really was.
We even offered them some of our food when we’d all been served but they politely declined of course (its the principle don’t you know).
I was sat on the join of the tables, so at least tried to make an effort with conversations across the border - whereas Phil was chugging back the rum and having a jolly old Irish-Romanian time learning some Romanian slang phrases such as ‘F*** my feather’ & also ‘F*** your dead ancestors’ (which seemed particular unnecessary).
I tried my best to chat to their side of the table without having to miss out on the fun vibes of our side, but I kept having to repeat myself so they could hear me, as Philly’s hilarity was causing very loud laughter.
Yep, it was pretty cringe.
We couldn’t really avoid the obvious safari chat so I tried to say something positive. In a backwards sort of way.
‘Our driver is not a great wildlife spotter to be honest’ I said, ‘YOUR guy seems great though!’.
Jane replied, ‘Yeah he is actually, he is really good at spotting stuff. He spots the most out of everyone in our vehicle!’.
And that meant a lot considering they had about 12 people squashed into their jeep 😬.
I thought we’d made some progress there, but then she just came out with it.
‘Yeah, thats the one we’ve beat you guys on and to be honest, its a really important one’.
Ok so up until this point, no one had actually said out loud what this safari trip had turned into. No one had said that it had become a weird competition, a battle, to see who had the best tent / best food / best time. And me and Phil really hadn’t paid much attention to it because, well, we were busy HAVING THE BEST TIME.
But now it was confirmed. They were constantly comparing what they had to what we had and it was clearly wrecking with their heads. I’d had my suspicions of course, but this was a proper penny-drop moment.
She meekly smiled as though trying to shrug it off as a light-hearted comment. But I could see right through her.
From now, it was GAME ON.
Ok not quite.
I actually still felt sorry for them and a bit embarrassed about it all. And Phil was just drunk at this point.
I decided I’d wait till the morning to tell him about it all and see what he thought. Maybe I’d read it all wrong.
And as crazy as it might sound, in between these moments, we did kind of enjoy a sort of pleasant evening with them. Honestly. We DID 😬.
The Note Tree ❋ L.H. Pt.11
Part E L E V E N
Summary: A cherry blossom tree, residing at the farthest part of the schools courtyard. Nobody dwelled there, and you didn’t care much for it. Until you kept hearing one song played over and over, with lyrics changed to touch at your curiosity. They knew you were listening, and one day you gave in and made your way to the pink tree. Waiting for you, a series of notes tied to a single strand of string.
Word Count: 7k+ (jesus wtf)
AN: VERY IMPORTANT GUYS: this might be the last part i release before i enter uni and find myself incredibly busy with class so i am so fucking sorry for that. i wish i could keep writing this consistently and finishing by maybe november but it might be a little longer than that. to those who love TNT: ya’ll are amazing and im so grateful for all the support and love ive gotten for it. im also just so sorry to disappoint, and will try my best to update them as timely and well-done as i may xx
Parts: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty.
I M A G I N E
Thursday - Frozen Day
“You’re so careless!” Savannah lectured, tapping your head in scolding while you sat there and took it.
For the trip, the teachers had forced all the seniors into the gym at the very moment everyone stepped into the school. The gym, though newly renovated and shiny, was disgusting. The glossed, light-brown (wooden) planks of the floor were ornate with splotches of dirt, dust, and residue of athlete sweat. There were several basketball hoops around, with two scoreboards on the width sides of the gym. Those black scoreboards were off and collecting cobweb with the ceiling emitting super white lights down to practically blind you.
But that was the least of your worries.
“Des, if you keep offering me your breakfast burrito, I’m going to bash my head against the wall,” you huffed under your breath, having Des continue to wiggle the said food in front of you. You and the girls were huddled in a corner, with you in the very corner, slung down and allowing your large Thrasher sweatshirt to swallow you. Des had been to your right, sitting in a pretzel with Alexis to your left with her legs folded the same. Savannah sat like a princess, as she chose to wear this long, floral skirt because it matched with her beige crop top.
“Have you eaten?” Des asked, completely skeptical of you.
“How can I believe you?”
“By trust my word?” You suggested. You understood they were worried and you understand fully well how careless you are. But this was just absolutely uncalled for and unnecessary. “I ate a bagel with raspberry cream cheese and orange grove orange juice.”
“It sounds like you went to Starbucks.”
“Bitch, with what money?”
“Someone came in clutch,” you replied simply, not necessarily wanting to get too deep. Des stared at you wistfully before looking away, knowing you hadn’t want to say another word more. You looked over to see Alex begin braiding her long, brown locks and you began to randomly wander about Luke and how he dealt with his blonde hair.
Does he wake up to it being messy? Or is it always curly when he wakes up? Can he put it upwards in some sort of quiff? Is it long enough for a man bun? Oh boy, why the fuck did you even care?
What about Luke’s hair do you give a shit about? It aggravated you how much your mind played this useless games. Luke has somehow weaved himself into most things you look at. You see video games being broadcasted outside game shops and think about if he had an Xbox or a Playstation. Sometimes when you saw kids play little league sports at parks, you wondered if he’s played any real serious sport. Truth be told, it was bothering you and gave you a headache than you already get when you interact with said boy.
“Seniors!” Announced a teacher at the dead center of the gym. You didn’t bother looking up, too exhausted to divert your eyes somewhere other than the ground. “If you’d like to see who chose you and your groups camp schedule, come on over!”
Immediately, you heard people rise with feet dashing the glossed ground over to the center of the gym. A cheap plastic table was set up with folders of papers, likely the schedules and whatever the hell else the man was saying. You were quick to mute him out as you fiddled with your thumbs. You didn’t care enough to see what group or what the schedule was. You just wanted to get it over with.
“I’ll get the schedule for you,” Alexis hummed, giving your shoulder a squeeze before your three companions rose from the ground and slowly made their way to the lines of students. You sighed, already bored to be in the gym, wasting time by sitting around and not even getting a wink of work. Of all things, you hated not being productive.
“Y/N.” A familiar male voice sounded through, his figure casting a shadow over you. Being swallowed up by it, your eyes glanced up only to emit a deep sigh before diverting down to the glossed ground.
“Go away,” you spewed, distaste already dancing on your tongue as Nathan took a seat beside you. You tossed a glance only to find Nathan swallowed up by navy blue sweats and some yellow shirt representing a college you couldn’t exactly make out from your angle. But aggravation soon drowned you as Nathan sat down in a pretzel and scooted closer to merely brush your shoulder with his own. “God, why me?” You breathed, looking up at the ceiling in hopes someone from the skies heard you.
“You know Y/N, you can’t be cold like that forever,” Nathan pointed out, having you roll your eyes in how little you cared for Nathan’s words. “You might get denied form several jobs in the future if you’re that brutal.”
“I’m only cold to you because you serve no benefit to me,” you said quietly. “If it’s an employer, of course, I wouldn’t act this way.”
“You’re a breathing glacier with valid reason,” Nathan hummed, having you still stone-faced before Nathan flicked his wrist to present a sheet of paper to you. You looked at it curiously, taking it from him to read its contents clearly. “I found out what group you’re in, and I was hoping you could do me a favor so I can return a favor.”
Your eyes dilated, seeing your leader assignment that was the one and only: Luke Hemmings. You figured you were going to be in his group, hence why you hadn’t bothered putting in the effort to beg to Ashton. But you had some hope that maybe one of the boys would give you a little sympathy, regardless of being Luke’s friends. Now you were to suffer greatly on a trip you initially wanted to bail on.
“What gives you the upper hand to even ask that of me?” You grumbled, knowing as fact Nathan has some sort of ‘threat.’
“Are you sure your head didn’t fall on the floor?” Nathan hummed curiously, having you glare over at the chestnut-haired entity. “It seems your intelligence lost a few bolts.”
“Fuck off and tell me what you’re trying to exchange.”
“Well, I’m just gonna tell you what I want: to be in Lucas’ group,” Nathan began, having you raise your eyebrow. You weren’t gonna respond, assuming he was going to continue and hopefully finish. “Not only to be around you, but to make sure you’ll be okay.”
“Oh, and you care over my well-being?” You began sarcastically. “Oh wow, you must think you’re such a good person for caring over a girl like me.” Nathan grinned at this, attempting to dismiss it with an unhurt smile. But you knew in the very curls of his lips the slight pang of pain from your cruel words.
“I don’t trust that asshole taking care of you any better,” Nathan began quietly, his veined hands clenching onto his knees. “He’s gonna be responsible with 22 others to really dedicate time for you. You know this, Y/N.”
“I don’t need people looking after me, alright?” You spat. “I’m 18, I’m responsible of my own damn self. Enough that I can take care of myself.”
“Your nurse’s trip yesterday says otherwise,” Nathan contradicted in a hush tone. You flinched, refusing to meet his gaze as your eyes stared at the shining floor. If you could punch the boy, you would. “No sleep, no food, no water in your system? I dunno about you, but to me it seems like you can’t take care of yourself too well.”
“Just shut the fuck up already,” you grunted, pulling your sleeves more over your hands as you tugged at them with your hands. “You don’t know shit about me.”
“I know that your home situation isn’t great,” Nathan dared, having you close your eyes. Just go away, you thought. Just fucking get away from me already. “And if you think I’m being pushy, imagine how Luke would act if he knew.” Right then, your heart stopped, eyes wide and completely laid upon the chestnut-haired imbecile.
“You wouldn’t fucking dare,” you growled. “You wouldn’t-- you said you were selfish, that you were glad Luke didn’t know.”
“Well sure,” Nathan hummed as he leaned a little back. “But I see how Luke annoys you so I figured this exchange would be reasonable. I keep my mouth shut and you get the honor of having me have your back.”
“I feel like I don’t win as much,” you hummed lowly, your eyes diverting up to study the mobbing group of students seeking their papers. For Nathan to keep quiet and keep Luke at bay, he’ll be in your group for the desire to be near you and watch over you. The entire situation was idiotic, you knew. But you would rather ‘burden’ Nathan with the responsible he refuses to believe he doesn’t have than Luke having it. You still disliked both, but your favoritism resided with Luke if ever the question was put out there.
“It seems like you would rather much have me annoy you than Luke,” Nathan said with ease.
“That still makes you annoying, dumbfuck,” you spat, rolling your eyes a bit as you emit a quiet yawn. This frozen day was finding itself to be worse than you honestly expected it to. But you glanced over to see Nathan muted, simply staring at you wistfully. Likely waiting for a response. “...But fine, Holland, okay. I’ll ask Luke. But if he refuses, that’s completely beyond me.”
“Fair enough then,” Nathan dropped before rising to his feet again. You felt his shadow cast on you once again, his eyes down on you as well as you merely looked up at the boy. “But I do expect you to try, you know.”
“Ha,” you uttered dryly, watching as he turned the heel and escaped towards the hoard of people.
Boys are stupid. Boys are stupid and obnoxious, and absolutely one of the things that you didn’t need. You didn’t need anyone, really. But it was really heartwarming to have the girls you did have around. And, you suppose you could give some credit to Luke for being considerate, even when he’s annoying, flirtatious, unnecessary, and moronic.
“Y/N, you are right!” Des chirped, having you look up to see the 3 infamous ladies return with their papers. She quickly dropped herself beside her, her braids bouncing from the impact as she showed you her paper. “I’m with Calum!”
“And I’m with Michael.” Savannah mewled with a fond tone. “And Alex got in with Ashton.”
“Told you guys.” You allowed those girls to sit back in their seats and exchange bubbly words about the plans and what not. You’ll be reading Luke’s group schedule later as you were growing a slow and steady headache. Nathan and this entire keeping a secret was bothering you. Not because you felt guilty about not telling Luke, but feeling like an idiot to have Nathan know at all. You feel more like an idiot to fill yourself up with such strong poisons and lose your mind.
I should’ve just walked alone from the party, you hummed to yourself. Not even-- I should’ve just not gone. Stupid Luke and his stupid ‘I owe you.’
“Ah- I’m in Luke’s group!” A shrill scream suddenly popped you from your self-loathe and discipline to look up and see Nadia wave her paper around in the middle of the gym. Chatter quieted down from this but they still resumed as she flaunted it about to the girls around. And, hilarious enough, the girls’ shoulders drop in disappointment, seeing as they likely wanted to be in his group, too. You shoulders only fell because Nadia was stuck in your group and you really didn’t want to be anywhere near her. The thought even impulsed you to deflate her just a bit.
“Nobody fucking asked,” you said firmly, loud enough for the words to wash everyone over like a wave. The quiet chatter soon became almost silent whispers as Nadia turned over to you. Her red hair danced from the very action, her entire body swallowed up by a pink-like beige sweater and a brown skirt. She glared down at you, her poppy seed pupils dilating by the small shock that it was you who uttered the words.
“Look who’s feeling bold today,” Nadia hummed, her 1-inch heels clinking upon the shiny floor as she began making her way to you. You looked up at her, entertained a bit as her shadow was slowly arriving to cast upon you. “What’s wrong, sweetie? Did you not get into his group?”
“Sorry to burst your ego, Princess,” you spat, opening your paper to break the air to show it to her. “But I’m also in his group. I don’t give enough of a shit, and you have no reason to brag because that’s just you among the other 10 girls with us. So sit the fuck down, alright?”
A few ‘ooo’s sounded, pairs of wide eyes and surprised expressions floating in your periphery as you looked up at the redhead. She looked a bit embarrassed, her cheeks lightly tainted pink as she waved your paper away. You put it down and shrugged, looking away to see your girlfriends look at you with surprised, wide smiles.
“You’d best watch your tongue with me, Y/N,” Nadia growled, gritting her teeth together as she leered down at you. “I’ll make your camping time a living hell if you say anything smart like that.”
“More of a hell than the one I’m currently living?” You raised your eyebrows in surprise. You then chuckled, looking down at the paper loosely between your fingers with delirium. “I’d honestly give you an applause if you could manage that.”
“Is that a challenge I hear, Y/N?” Nadia hummed, haivng you look up to meet her eyes. Hers were dim, but yours held a dark intimidation that made her eyes flicker with hesitance. But she seemed determined, more or less, to fuck up your time. Before you could counter, Des quickly rose and placed her hands on her hips.
“Bitch, I dare you to try it,” Des huffed, a splash of attitude leaving her tongue. “You touch my girl at all during that trip and I’ll personally stick your ass up in a tree for an entire damn night.”
“Great, don’t tell me the ape is in our group, too,” Nadia slurred dreadfully, having you widen your eyes as Des was pulling up her sleeve to pack in a punch. But Savannah and Alex quickly got on their feet and grabbed her before she could dare do a thing.
“You better watch yourself on that trip,” Des growled. “I may not be in your group, but my ass will switch if I gotta punch you mute.” You chuckled, shaking your head at Nadia’s audacity. You leered up, seeing how she glared down at you as if you’ve done wrong. Quietly, you crumpled the paper and stuffed it in your bag before forcing it on and getting yourself up.
“I do really feel bad for you, you know,” you hummed as teachers quickly began to rush over to the scene. “I understand that you genuinely need attention to live, and that’s something you can’t help. But I think you shouldn’t do it by picking at others. Especially people who aren’t afraid to give it to you, because I know Des will punch you to another reality. Unless you’re a masochist, then please, be my guest. Fucking swine.”
“Y/N, out,” a teacher scolded, having you shrug as you sauntered away from the girls and Nadia to leave the gym. Which was fine with you, really, as you didn’t like the smelly disgusting gym to begin with. But when the teacher escorted you out, you met eyes with the control in your mind. You groaned, rolling your eyes in actual disbelief as you began walking down the corridor. “Console your group member, Hemmings.”
“Will do, sir,” Luke replied, his voice growing distant as you stomped away. You weren’t agitated, you were just pretending to be. Nadia was annoying, but it’s difficult to set you on the edge of vexation as you kept marching away. You could hear Luke’s kicks jog on the floor as his hand made it to your shoulder. “H-hey, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing, actually,” you hummed. “Just pretending to be mad so the teachers think I’m an angry, troubled child.”
“Okay, but why were you sent out?” Luke asked, his hand still on your shoulder. You were waiting for him to force you to face him, but he didn’t. He just kept his hand there, probably one of the most gentlest gestures you’ve ever actually received by a boy.
“Ah, it was all Nadia, truly,” you hummed, listening to Luke groan in disappointment. “She began flaunting over the fact that she was in your group, so I told her that nobody asked and so she came over and started something. It was only right for me to continue feeding her energy to strengthen her pettiness. It’s like an RPG, Luke. You only get stronger if you fight.”
“Yeah, but you do learn better strategically if you pull back from fights that you don’t need to take on,” Luke replied, having you shrug. It was a fair answer, you had to admit that much. Not that you’d tell him though, or else you’d be feeding to his ego. And God knows inflating that ego only made you wither.
“Anyways, we argued some, I said a few bad words, and now I’m out here,” you spewed simply. You then turned, looking up to see strong jawline, sharp nose, blue-eyed devil Luke Hemmings stare down at you worriedly. You actually flinched, unsure as to how to take this. He needn’t words to get your heart racing, and that was something you weren’t too down about at the moment.
“You better not be like that on the trip,” Luke warned softly, having you raise a brow up at the blonde before you. “I put her in our group because I thought it would be good if you two tried to get along.”
“Me get along with Nadia?” You asked in genuine astonishment. “Has the Devil split the ground in two and risen from the deep depths of hell? Has God finally descended from the clouds to tell everyone? What is this life?”
“Y/N, I’m serious,” Luke insisted, his frown deepening as he led you over to lean on the cold, metallic lockers. “I doubt you want to graduate knowing you had a grudge on someone.”
“I don’t have a grudge on that imbecile,” you huffed. “She’s the one being a bitch to me and the least I can do is defend myself. What gives her the right to be a cunt to me when I haven’t even done a thing to her?”
“You’re rather cold to her, Y/N--.”
“You mean the way I act to everyone besides Sav, Des, and Alex?” You spat, leering up at the blonde. Luke gulped harshly, quickly quieting down as your point evidently dissolved into him. “I don’t need to get along with Nadia because I don’t need her in my life at all. So don’t start forcing me to do something that neither I nor her want.”
“I just want to help you--.”
“Want to help?” You spat immediately, having Luke flinch, his face paling up as he looked down at you. You blinked a few times, staring at him to allow the gears in your brain to turn. “Put Nathan in our group.”
“What the fuck? No,” Luke immediately dismissed, having you scowl at him as he looked away, slightly vexed. There was something swimming in those ocean eyes, but you couldn’t really hint at it if they weren’t staring directly at you. “Absolutely fucking not.”
“Excuse me, but I’d like to enjoy myself when we go to the forest,” you hummed. “I want him to swat away all the mosquitoes, or get stung by them instead of me. I’m sorry, but rashes aren’t my thing.”
“I can do that for you!” Luke insisted.
“You’re the leader, dumbass,” you huffed, shoving his chest gently. “They need to make sure you’re fine and running well-- you can’t be holed up taking stings for me. Just let Nathan do it so I come back rash-free.”
“Y/N,” Luke growled. “He’s a nasty person, I don’t want him in my group spreading his bullshit around.”
“He’s going to be pining over me, he’s not going to be spreading no bullshit.”
“That makes me more adamant, Y/N,” Luke huffed, rolling his eyes while still refusing to face you. You sighed, annoying that you were forced to actually put in a good amount of effort into getting the other vexing person in your group. Clenching the hold of your bag, you rolling your eyes and stomped your foot.
“Why do you even hate the guy?” You began. “Your jealousy over him is invalid, so something has to give. Why do you hate Nathan?”
Luke tried to emit something in response, but found himself frozen and speechless. His upper, pasty cheeks tinted a light pink as he dragged his tongue along his rouge lips. You could see how hesitant his was, the distance in his eyes indicating how rapidly he had been thinking. They were even getting clouded before he crossed his arms over his chest in distress.
“That’s not important right now,” Luke muttered sheepishly.
“Right, okay,” you sarcastically replied, somewhat in disbelief from Luke’s stubbornness. “Just get him in our team.”
“Or else what?”
“Or else I’m going to tell you to fuck off the entire trip,” you threatened, having Luke’s eyes divert to yours (finally) to flare up in jealousy. “I’ll ignore you when we have breaks for chat, sit as far away from you during breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and I won’t be bidding you goodnight before I sleep.”
“Cruel!” Luke blurted, obvious pain dancing in his face as you shrugged. He knew he couldn’t test you, you’d keep your promise in your words. That’s just who you were, even if you didn’t exactly want to avoid Luke. His shoulders slumped, his blue eyes losing its color for a moment before letting out a strangled sigh. “Fucking fine, I’ll transfer him.”
“Wait, seriously?” You hummed in disbelief, looking up to see disgust in his face as he nodded slowly. You swallowed, mouth a little dry as you chewed on your inner cheek. “Well shit, okay.”
“But I’m never leaving you two alone,” Luke huffed angrily. “I don’t trust Holland, and I swear if he does anything with you--.”
“Will you stick him up a tree for an entire night?” You questioned, reminding yourself of Des’ backlash with a smirk on your lips. Luke bit on his bottom lip, contemplating the finishing sentence as he nodded.
“Sounds about right, yeah.” You giggled, having Luke raise an eye in puzzlement before shrugging it off. He lent you this extremely warm smile, one so gentle that it was intimidating. You looked away, letting out a small sigh as you allowed silence to seep in. But right then you decided to pop it.
“Anyhow, thanks for the ‘scolding.’“ You curled both index and middle fingers you own in the air. “Can I go back now?”
“Mm, I dunno,” Luke hummed, watching as he bent over and got his face close to yours. You stiffened, trying to counter his attempt to embarrass you by glaring at him. The tip of his nose was tempting to just meet with yours, knowing that if he did, a spark will somehow surge through and make you jump. “I don’t like it when you’re not around.”
“That sucks,” you huffed. “You’re just gonna have to deal with it.” I don’t like it when you’re not around. Luke honestly couldn’t give your head or heart an actual break. How inconsiderate.
“I already do when you’re not,” Luke hummed woefully. Trickles of vexation surged through when listening to his down tone. You didn’t like it, it was too unlike him. “I’m supposed to be in the gym now anyways”
“Gotta flaunt my leadership and meet all the members,” Luke hummed. “I chose some pretty chill people, so you shouldn’t be too bothered or irritated by them.”
“Oh geez, did you select them in my favor?” You wondered, “because I’d definitely have to counter that, considering Nadia is in our group.” Luke was quick to bring his hand to the nape of his neck to give his lower curls a scratch.
“Like I said, it’d be good if you guys could try and get along,” Luke hummed awkwardly. You looked into his azure eyes long and good, flickering your pupils about as he stares directly back. But his irises slowly thin with the widening of his own pupils, having them a little shaky. You were grasping at possible guesses, hoping to find a better reason than the one he insists.
“Is it because you feel bad for her?” You hummed, looking ponderously in his eyes. The oceans dim, his pupils divert itself elsewhere awkwardly, “oh, that must be it! I wonder why...” you practically sang, going up to catch Luke’s chin with your hand. His eyes go back into yours, lightening up only a tad, “If you’re gonna lie, at least give me a good, believable reason as to why you’d add the Devil reincarnated into our team.”
“You’re quite good at digging, aren’t you?” Luke praised, evidently a little vexed at your skill. You smiled in triumph, letting him go to back up from him once more.
“Years of practice,” you murmured, not too fond of the skill but just enough. Pursing your lips together, you studied Luke for a moment before looking back at the menacing gym doors. You changed your demeanor and quickly pulled in the Puppy Eyes, “wanna get out of here?”
Luke got easily caught, his heart halting at the very sight of you. You had plead and beg in those mystery swirls, not caring if it seemed so unlike you. It was so unlike, but you have to do some hard shit to get what you want sometimes. And if this was it, you were more than prepared to do something so simple and only slightly degrading. But Luke easily succumbed, “destination?”
“Away from the gym,” you murmured, having Luke look at you skeptically. But it was obvious he was surprised at your question. Him out of all people? You’d rather go somewhere with one of the girls. But Luke had a bit of superiority now, so you figured he’d be able to get you out of the tiring confines of that gym. “Just follow my lead, yeah?”
“Y/N, what’re you--.” Before he could do anything, you began to yell.
“She’s such a fucking bitch, I can’t handle her!” You growled, your face grimacing with pure heat in your words and eyes. A few teachers idling about looked over worriedly, eyes peering in curiosity. Luke widened his eyes, quickly putting his hands on your shoulders as if to hold me back. “Let me go back in there and give her a damn smack on the mouth! Disrespectful bitch!”
“Uh-- calm down, Y/N!” Luke spoke over you, a little awkward at first but assertive. It was believable enough, you thought, as you continued shifting angrily in his hands. You did press pressure, requiring the appearance to make the teachers actually believe it as the assistant principal got close.
“Is everything alright, Mr. Hemmings?” Her voice rang, having Luke nod as he continued to hold you. You allowed searing growls to leave you, leering at the teacher to have her flinch only slightly. It was amusing to be considered a cold being around the joint.
“Yes, it’s alright,” Luke hummed, “but I think I need to chat with her for a moment. Mind getting another professor to go over the schedule with my group? I really need to speak to Y/N as she disagrees with the selection of my team.”
The teacher merely nods, having Luke nod from his glance before turning back to you. You continued to act rabid, having Luke grab you by the wrist and begin tugging you out of the hallway. You made sure a string of curses stayed behind your legacy as Luke dragged you away. As he did, you looked at his sturdy back and noticed a paper stickied onto it. No fucking way...
Removing it from his back without him noticing, you jog behind him with your freehand, you shakily open the note and reveal its contents.
‘I’m a huge cryer. Once I had been away from my mom for about 2 days, and I had sobbed within the first 3 hours of the trip. It’s really bad, but I just miss people a lot when I’m away from those I love -H’
He’s adorable, you thought to yourself as you stuffed the note into your pocket. It was annoying that you didn’t know who he was, but learning about him through these small notes was fascinating. You were discovering a real person, either some shy boy who was this cute, or a jock who keeps these as secrets from the public view. It just made you so curious as to who this person was, and it itched at your mind.
A question though: how the fuck did he get the note attached to the back of Luke R. Hemmings?
“Hey,” you sounded to Luke, who continued to lead you away. But he slowed down when far enough, having you appreciate the gesture greatly. “Where are we off to?”
“Away,” Luke replied, having you take the answer as you let him take you to wherever away was.
You found yourself in your English class, vacant with papers and chewed up yellow pencils sprawled about.
“I hate this class,” you hummed, slowly sauntering over to the fern chalkboard as Luke walked along the rows of tables by the door. Your fingertips dragged along the words, taking away the colored chalk in the letters and words jumbled about, leaving dashes and holes all around. “I love English, but this class is so slow that I’m ahead,” you hummed, looking around to see the big lesson soon which is ‘Love prevails all.’
“Keep in mind that you’re you and everyone else isn’t,” Luke said fondly through chuckles, “everyone else doesn’t have such a smart, easily interpretative brain like yours, Y/N. You’re far too unique to be in the crowd of copies.” You smiled at this curtly, still staring at the green entity to conceal it from his view.
“I try,” you admit, bringing your hand before you to see your fingers dirtied with the white powder. “But sometimes I do wonder at what cost...”
“Elaborate?” Luke asked kindly, always willing to lend ears.
“I mean,” you began, clearing your throat a bit, “I’m very happy to be where I am currently with 3 amazing people as my friends, but they’re always out having a blast at those social gatherings while I keep my face stuck in a textbook.”
“Nn,” Luke hummed in comprehension, “so you think you’re missing out?” You nodded, looking distantly at the small bookshelf that was at the end of the chalkboard by the windows. “It’s too late to get out there, you know.”
You scoffed, smiling a bit at his words, “you’re far too optimistic, Luke. We’re already in our senior year-- my 3 years are spent and my last one is already looking to be spent.”
“That’s because you’re trying too hard in a year that doesn’t matter so much,” Luke snorted, having you immediately snap your neck to face the blonde boy by the back of the classroom.
“Pardon you, but I’m trying to get myself in a good university,” you snapped, “it doesn’t matter if my grades ‘don’t count’ this year. I’m always going to do my best, to not only prove it to everyone else but to myself. To prove that while everyone else is the same, I’m... different.”
“Weren’t you just complaining about that?” Luke hummed curiously, having you look away again, studying the textbooks collecting dust, “the only rabbit in the turtle race.”
“Well, I want to be a little both?” You chimed almost suggestively, “I mean, I definitely won’t let go of my studies for even a second, but maybe I can let loose just for a few hours every weekend? Not so late like your venue concert, but I mean, just a bit of time away from home. B-but I also don’t to seem like a slacker or some party animal...”
“I kind’ve get what you mean,” Luke began quietly, having you glance over to see him saunter to your desk, “like that’s the side of you that you want to keep and have it exist but not be the entirety of you.” You gave Luke a lingering stare, seeing the way he looked wistfully at your desk and brushed his fingertips along the scratched in gang names and doodles.
“R-right, yeah,” you sputtered, somewhat surprised at how understanding Luke was. It was like he himself was in the same shoes, but that couldn’t be possible, could it? He was the popular guitar player in a band who goes to parties and has girls constantly swooning over him. He indulges in attention and is said to be the life of every party he steps one single foot in. “Does that sound crazy or somethin...”
“I think it’s cool,” Luke mumbles genuinely, his tender words quickly making your heart race, “you want to stay true to yourself to everything while still experiencing something that’s out of your comfort. It’s really rad, ‘n I respect that.”
You smiled at this, feeling a little better as you slowly made your way towards the boy, “you’re actually not that bad, Hemmings.” This quickly caught Luke’s attention as he snapped his neck and had his blue eyes widened and fixed on you. No words came through just yet, but his bewilderment was quite the sight, “chillax, I’m just saying you aren’t as much of an ass as you always act.”
“N-no it’s not that,” Luke stuttered, both large hands covering his face as he looked away. You stayed at his back, confused as those curls perfectly fell down the nape of his pale neck. You wondered what happened, wanting to step closer without stepping on a border. “It’s unusual for you to be candid in such a sweet way-- it caught me a little off guard.”
“Don’t get used to it,” you huffed, “it’s not gonna happen often, and this might end up being a one time thing.” Then, suddenly, Luke chuckled after your words, and you couldn’t help but lighten up. His laughter was always so gentle and warm, like a morning dew of a summer morning, with bells dancing along with the wind current.
“I won’t,” Luke assured, turning around to show his cheeks only a little bit tinted with pink, “but I like this you-- this raw version. Just makes me fall even deeper.”
“Fucks sake,” you scoffed, looking away to shake your head in disapproval, “don’t even begin with calling me candid when you’re especially so. You’re not in love with me.”
Luke let that hang for a moment, having you feel his blue eyes stare at you as he held a smirk. You looked over at the window beside your seat, reminding yourself of the stalker. The Note Tree, the assumed title of the song this random boy wrote for you. Always changed, 30+ days worth of one lyric change that had always kept you wondering how his eyes was always on you but you could never coincidentally meet them. You emit a sigh, somewhat vexed at everything and the stalker and the boy before you with a warm smile and beautiful ocean eyes.
“That sucks,” Luke hummed, “because I am very much in love with you and proud to be incredibly deep in. I’m practically by the center of the earth-- it’s beyond boiling point.” You shook your head, chuckling at how much of a dork he was.
“So what should I do about it?” You sounded, rolling your eyes over to see him gnawing on his bottom rouge lip. You wondered curiously at his face, seeing how he hasn’t even faltered a single bit.
“You’re a good digger, aren’t you?” Luke pointed out, “dig me out.”
“Oh yeah?” You made your voice just a bit higher, with your eyebrows following and your eyes meeting his with annoyance. “How do I do that? My personality is one that makes everyone run away so I have no idea how to dig you out.”
“Well, that’s the thing then, isn’t it?” Luke said quietly with a curt, kind smile, “you can’t. Your digging skills only reside in things you know, but you can’t understand my love for you. So there’s nothing you can do but make me sink deeper and deeper,” Luke spewed with more passion, moving closer to you, and oh my, “until my heart is bruised with your name. It’ll throb lovingly with eternal colors that I’ve only seen when I’m with you or you’re dancing about in my head.”
“I...” you began, looking away completely. You were flushed. Red-faced, red tinted, completely scarlet with no control whatsoever. That asshole is absolutely impossible. “...Fuck off, Luke.” You shoved him back, getting out a few entertained laughs from the blond dolt.
“Never,” Luke practically sung, having you grumble as you took a seat on the desk in front of yours and leaned your back against the closed window. Luke followed, hopping on your desk as you looked distantly at the empty hall through the door. He noticed the wistful expression on your face and spewed quietly, “you okay, Y/N?”
“Mind singing me a little something?” You immediately replied, indirectly looking over to see his feet move forwards and backwards like he were on a swing. They suddenly halted from your words though, as you felt his eyes likely on you. He was silent, speechless possibly, “what’s wrong? Can’t do it without your guitar?”
“N-no,” Luke stuttered, his hands clenching around the edges of the desk as he sat forward with his lanky back slouched. “It’s just... didn’t think you’d ever ask me to sing you something.”
“Want me to take it back?” You threatened.
“No!” He immediately stopped you, having you smirk as you began twiddling your thumbs. You didn’t say anything further, having Luke guess to sing anything he’d like. You don’t have requests so long as you heard his voice. His singing voice is not bad, you honestly admitted. “You’re dripping like a saturated sunri-hiiise--” He chose Halsey, what a guy, “-you’re spilling like an overflowing sink. You’re ripped at every edge, but you’re a master piece, and now I’m tearing through the pages and the ink-- come in with me, Y/N!”
“I don’t sing,” you exclaimed in slight bewilderment, looking over to see pure optimism and encouragement. “I’m not that like, good...”
“But I don’t care,” Luke hummed, having you frown, “I want to hear all of you, every single way you can use your voice. So singing is one.”
“You pervert, that consists of a lot of sound I can make--.”
“Everything is blue!” Luke sang-screamed, having you flinch, but giggle it out before joining him. “His pills, his hands, his jeans. And now I’m covered in the colors pull apart at the seams-- continue it for me, Y/N.”
“I swear to god, Luke--.”
“And it’s blue-oo-oo-ooo,” you sang the stretched out word, having you feel completely embarrassed as you sung, “and it’s blue-oo-oo-ooo...”
“Everythin’ is grey-- his hair, his smoke, his dreams,” Luke sang, his voice raspy and pure, completely raw and absolutely doesn’t need a guitar to help him sound better. He was fantastic, as he deserves to think and know so. “And now he’s so devoid of color-- he don’t know what it means! And he’s blue.... yeah, he’s blue...”
“You were red,” you began with the bridge, your voice as dramatic as it could be as Luke began to sputter out laughter. You clenched your chest with your hands, “and you liked me because I was blue...”
“Then you touched me and suddenly I was a lilac sky!” Luke yelled with you, the both of you raising your arms with glee as you turned to face each other. “But then you decided purple just wasn’t for you.”
“And it’s blue-oo-oo-ooo,” Luke finished quietly, refusing to go through the whole chorus yet again as you stared at him wistfully. It’s those kind of moments you dream of having: the ones where you can be absolutely silly with another who is just as silly and indulging in it completely. But it’s with Luke and somehow you aren’t mad about it. You’re looking into those blue eyes and noticed just how blue they were. And by God, they were so blue-- so blue that you could fucking drown in them and you had high doubts that Luke had his lifeguard license.
“Ah, sorry...” you quickly spewed an apology, looking away to distantly return yourself to the vacant corridor. But Luke only let out another laugh, one more lower and genuine, so warm and tender that it greeted your heart kindly with a dose of adrenaline.
“And you still wonder why I love you?” Luke began, scoffing in disbelief as your cheeks flared up in scarlet. “Can this be our song? So when we get married, we can play it and remember this day.”
“Luke!” You exclaimed, slamming down on the wooden table. “Slow your damn horses-- you’re way too optimistic about your future.”
“I don’t think it’s optimism,” Luke said honestly with a smirk. You turned to stare at him, seeing the way he looked up distantly to the ceiling, his blue orbs still. “I know what I want in my future, and I know I want you innit all, through-and-through.”
You allowed the silence to take you over, as you were at a loss of words. So much so that you adjusted your bag on you bag and hopped off the desk. Luke followed, refusing to utter a word as you gestures to the space before you.
“Grab my wrist and walk us back to the gym please,” you murmured, shyly unfurling your hand as you offered it to him. You could tell he was a bit awestruck, considering this was very out of your nature. But Luke had just done something that you will never forget, even if you wanted to, and somehow-- somehow, you aren’t angry at all.
“You’re so sly,” Luke chuckled out, his hands with mountains of callouses and rough skin taking your wrist. It was a more delicate hold, much more gentle and not rushed. It felt really sweet and genuine, like he was savoring it all. “Let’s go.”
With that, you allowed the blonde-haired monster take you away, fully flushed and unable to shake off the sudden new speed your heart took on.
you already know what to do, inbox is right here and please don’t hate me for the super slow updates aha xx
Am sitting in the dark on my big sister’s leather couch in Savannah like a creeper, but I’m awake extra early and just don’t want to put a light on that disturbs anyone. So I guess I’ll collect my various thoughts, none of which are all that interesting-- mostly, airline travel, elderly dogs, and the foibles of children. The almost-5-year-old niece, who was quite standoffish last time she saw me (understandably, I seldom see her) has decided I am The Best, and over the course of yesterday extended this to my dude, who in the last five or six years has gone from mildly distressed by small children to pretty used to them. Which is good, because last night she decided he was For Climbing, and her favorite thing is to climb into his lap and then press her nose to his nose, which is disconcerting if you’re used to adult personal space concepts. (I don’t usually do things like that to him, so -- but he’s been quite amused and graceful about it, which, I mean, you have to be somewhat, but I’ve been substituting my cheek for my nose because I don’t want her to mash my glasses into my eyeballs, for example.)
The trip was uneventful; full planes, but no real issues. First leg had a large group traveling together where apparently nobody spoke English, and so this being the US, it’s not like the airline was going to have anyone on staff who could translate for them, so they just stood in the way of a lot of things and the staff repeated themselves without slowing down and generally no one was thrilled by this, especially when they extended this to listening to crew instructions in the cabin. But they seemed copacetic with the Fasten Seat Belt sign, at least, so in the end it went smoothly enough.
We arrived in Savannah to discover that it was a lovely, breezy, relatively cool sunny day-- of course much warmer than we’d left (freeze warning last night in Buffalo, wtf), and there were strange bugs everywhere-- black beetles with red dots, flying around in pairs conjoined at the ass. Dude Googled them, and discovered that they were Red-Shouldered Bugs, also sometimes known as Love Bugs, because at mating season they stick their asses together and stay like that for a couple of days at a time, while going about their business. They have become a theme so far, because my sister’s back porch seems to have some kind of nest of them or something underneath it, they’re just everywhere out there. But they’re not really by the pool so much, so you just have to kind of wave your hands as you go out that door.
The closing dates on #1 buying my sister’s new house and #2 selling her old one are actually lining up in a copacetic fashion, which is very good and also important. Of course, my sister is still trying to finish out her position with the Georgia national guard, so she’s managed to cram two back-to-back sessions (you know how the pitch is “a weekend a month, two weeks a year” well she’s trying to do I think two months’ weekends just to wrap up all her stuff, and she has to cram that in right before moving), and also her husband has already moved so she’s on her own doing it. (He’s living in the barracks of a tiny National Guard post up in Maryland, which is their destination. She says he’s doing better than she thought he would; his only real distress is that he loves to cook and hates eating out, and his kitchen facilities currently are a microwave and a mini-fridge, so he is dying inside, but figures if that’s his only complaint he can’t really count himself that unfortunate. He really is kind of a foodie, though, so I’ve no doubt his suffering is real. It’s not even that he likes fancy stuff, it’s that he really likes making it himself. He has discovered that Maryland has excellent crab everything, though.)
But, Middle-Little, and Mom and Dad, are both able to come help move, so.
Today, a Pod arrives, that we’re going to try to fill. One Pod is already gone, and it had all the stuff she was sure she wouldn’t miss over the short term in it. (”We packed up the liquor! That might have been premature.” There’s some tequila and some gin left, I’ll improvise.)
I told Big Sister what Dad had told me, which was that since her specialty is logistics, he had great faith in her. She rolled her eyes, and said, “Well, he’s not wrong, I even have the letters after my name,” and I don’t know what that means so that’s today’s line of questioning.
Her children went off to free-range the neighborhood at one point, and she wound up dragging lawn chairs out to the driveway in front so she could at least keep tabs on what was going on. We were scrubbing her driveway, as well, because her mother-in-law had, last visit, done a really cool art project with tempera paint that was supposed to be washable, but it turns out if you let tempera paint dry on uncoated concrete, it is not in fact washable anymore, and now she has this house she has nearly sold that has not been closed upon yet and the driveway is completely coated in splatters of paint with childrens’ footprints in it.
So-- there was some name for it, Mouse Painting or something, like from a book or something-- parents or caretakers of young children, note this down, it was a great activity and enormously fun, and cleanup can be easy-- throw the kids in the pool! no problem-- but for the love of all that’s holy, hose down the driveway while the paint is still wet. It was several days baked in Georgia sun by the time my sister got home, and it’s apparently indelible, so we spent a while with Oxy Clean and scrub brushes out there trying to get it faded enough that the buyers on this house don’t back out.
(This, by the way, is a great encapsulation of that particular mother-in-law relationship.)
So my first afternoon in Georgia was spent sitting on lawn chairs out front listening to children shriek in the yard across the street. Sort of off-handedly, I don’t know what this says about anything, my sister told me the names of all the surrounding dogs. She has two, who wander the neighborhood a bit, and so she’s just aware of the surrounding dog-terrain, because everyone’s dogs kind of wander a little bit. That one’s Georgia, she said, so-and-so got her for her (child’s) birthday, she’s a little under two years old now. That one’s Max, he’s not quite a rescue-- rescue orgs wouldn’t give them a Shepherd because they didn’t have a fence, but she found that one on Craigslist, and then just got a fence right away anyway, he’s like a year old and he’s got some anxiety problems and tried to eat my cat but I don’t blame him, I try to keep my dogs from bothering him too much, etc.
The punchline of the dogs thing though is that later, all three kids were climbing the trees in the back, and the middle child had asked me to come watch, so I was standing there watching (and discovering that there were fire ant hills out here, i’m glad I was mentally prepared for that), and Max was pacing in his yard and watching us, so I said hi Max! to him, and middle child was astonished that I knew the dog’s name. So I told him I was psychic and knew dogs’ names, and, get ready for this- he said oh yeah?? what’s the name of that dog across the street? and I said, Georgia! She’s two!
It blew him away.
He then demanded whether I knew the name of the hound they’d found and rescued once in a brief incident like five years ago, and I was like, look buddy it only applies to current dogs, but as of this moment I’ve just remembered that dog was named Julep, so. I have to think of how to bust that out.
Oh I also rediscovered my childhood superpower of swimming in water everyone else thinks is cold but I find comfortable. Dude couldn’t even stay in the pool ten minutes but I was in there close to an hour, me and Middle Child, who’s the most, hm, thermally stable, let’s say (he’s a Substantial Boy), and I felt like the water was warm, but after I’d been out, dried off, gotten dressed, and was sitting at the dinner table, I realized that all the fat in my thighs was still chilled, and then I was cold.
rules: once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. at the end, choose 25 (no) people to tag!
tagged by: @twiilightmultimayurp
 drink: gatorade
 phone call:mom.
 text message: oh god uh, i think my friend tony?
 song you listened to: [ x ]
 time you cried: last night over greys anatomy LMAO
HAVE YOU EVER…
 dated someone twice: nah
 been cheated on: yea
 kissed someone and regretted it: nah
 lost someone special: yea
 been depressed: UHMMM ONLY LIKE 24/7
 gotten drunk and thrown up: Y E P
LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS:
 any kind of blue
IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…
 made new friends: suree
 fallen out of love: nah
 laughed until you cried: yee
 found out someone was talking about you: mhmm
 met someone who changed you: y e s
 found out who your true friends are: in a very bad way.
 kissed someone on your facebook list: yeppo
 how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them except like five?
 do you have any pets: 4 cats. might end up having 6
 do you want to change your name: used to. because my last name is french, and people always pronounce it wrong or make fun of it lol
 what did you do for your last birthday: nothing. i dont have people come near me on my birthday.
 what time did you wake up: 5 AM
 what were you doing at midnight last night: playing overwatch on my ps4
 name something you cannot wait for: death
 when was the last time you saw your mother: this morning.
 what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: not going there.
 what are you listening to right now: SAD GREYS ANATOMY SONGS
 have you ever talked to a person named tom: y e p
 something that is getting on your nerves: m anxiety and depression disorders.
 most visited website: tumblr
 elementary: livermore falls elementary school.
 high school: spruce mountain high school. i could care less about giving this info out lmao i dont go there anymore.
 college: n o p e
 hair colour: very dark brown, sometimes looks black lmao
 long or short hair: i just got my hair cut to my shoulders
 do you have a crush on someone: patrick dempsey.
 what do you like about yourself? n o t h i n g
 piercings: im planning on getting a septum piercing.
 nickname: oh by here we go, shrimp legs, britt, brit, princess butter-thighs, becky, bitch.
 relationship status: Single
 zodiac sign: aries
 pronouns: She/Her
 fav tv show: greys anatomy
 tattoos: planning on getting some
 right or left handed: right
 surgery: on my arm, i cut it wide open when i was 9, almost lost all function to my right arm.
 piercing: PLANNIN
 best friend: summer.
 sport: floor hockey.
 vacation: Savannah Georgia.
 pair of trainers: bye
 eating: Nothing
 drinking: nothin
 i’m about to: try to roleplay or write for my writing blog
 listening to:sad songs
 waiting for: d ea t h
 get married: nOT RIGHT NOW WTF
 career: i work at a daycare right now.
 hugs or kisses: idk
 lips or eyes: idk
 shorter or taller: i wish i was toll
 older or younger: young?
 nice arms or nice stomach: neither??
 sensitive or loud: sensitive
 hook up or relationship: relationship
 troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant
HAVE YOU EVER…
 kissed a stranger? yea.
 drank hard liquor? yep. blacked out. i can only remember me fallin on the floor and cuddling a pile of laundry. the rest is a blur
 lost glasses/contact lenses? y e p
 turned someone down: unfortunately
 sex on first date? nah
 broken someone’s heart? yea
 had your own heart broken? five times lololol
 been arrested? ALMOST
 cried when someone died? yep
 fallen for a friend? ye
DO YOU BELIEVE IN…
 yourself? lol funny
 miracles? no.
 love at first sight?no
 santa claus? no
 kiss on the first date? idk
 angels? no.
 current best friend’s name: sarah
 eye colour: hazel
 favourite movie: idkt
Tagging anyone who wants to do it
Today at 9:30am I took the bus to campus and met a friend/collegue A from G at Espresso Royale on State St. We talked about the piercing world and opportunities in apprenticeship/what it’s like being a piercer. I most definitely overstepped boundaries while being entirely aware of it by asking her questions about my employment that she isn’t allowed to tell me/doesn’t know the answers to. I’ve just been really fucking stressed lately to the point where even though I know how unprofessional/inappropriate things are, I don’t give a fuck and do them anyway. But I always make a point to say something like, “I’m sorry, I hope I’m not overstepping and if I am, I’m so sorry and understand we can’t discuss it, but I’m just wondering if blah blah blah” and then they respect the fact that I was already aware it wasn’t right and neither of us feel shame about it.
After that Amanda walked me through the Diag, willing to walk me into the SSW to help me get to the ECC for an Art in Social Work Symposium. Rachel showed up which I wasn’t expecting. She came a little late, sat down, saw me, mouthed “hi’ and smiled. Then for the first half of the presentation, I was trying to take notes and concentrate while saying to myself repeatedly, “Don’t let Rachel make you feel nervous. She’s accepting and you’re here for you.”
That was why I chose to sit at a front table by myself. I wasn’t sure how big the crowd would be (it was relatively big, but lots of people filtered out early due to classes). I stayed the whole time and found the discussion boring. I found the content extremely general and vague and really geared toward macro work - community outreach and organization.
I didn’t know the event was going to be a panel for questions. I knew I had questions I wanted to ask, but was scared in front of all the students. I’m not a student so I felt even more uncomfortable like I wasn’t sure if I was even allowed to be there attending this.
Since the entire 2 hour symposium was centered around incorporating the arts into social work, I refused to not speak. I raised my hand and mentioned being a deferred student on medical leave while also using the next year to weigh whether or not I want to do SW versus Art Therapy. I told them I got into a variety of AT schools and MSW schools for this fall last year and that I’ve been offered another opportunity in Portland for an AT Masters. Immediately Paula started shaking her head, gestured, and said the word, “Limited.”
After providing this context, my first question was their thoughts on SW versus AT as a career path. Their answers were general and things I already knew that didn’t help me at all. They were opposed to AT as a career pathway. I talked about my passions and why I chose SW, feeling it encompasses everything and provides the opportunity that I can really do all the things I want- be a professor, be a therapist, work with any population (i.e. kids), publish books. The panel included 4 individuals: Another woman named Amanda who put this whole thing together (idk who she is), a first-year student with music background who self-designed her internship, her field supervisor at her field location named Paula, and Larry Gant- a professor in both the School of Art & Design, as well as SSW - a professor I had researched and referenced in my admissions essay, discussing my interest in taking courses from him given my career goals.
People are right - he is dry and boring communicatively, but I have the utmost respect for him and plan to reach out to him in detail as soon as I can. I plan to reach out to the intern too (Sunny) and Paula.
The most concrete take-away I got from the symposium is the knowledge that I can create my own internship by writing proposals, researching field placements, and then talking with my field supervisor about designing my own program. This is what I want to do. I also received the empowering message: “Build your own career. You can do anything you want.”
Paula spoke in opposition towards AT when explaining what therapy sessions as an AT would be vs. as a therapist with an MSW. She said things like, “Instead of working in a room with child and parents, you’re sitting with a child using puppets to talk about what happened. Instead of talking to client about issues they’re dealing with, you’re sitting on the floor painting those issues they’re dealing with.” I want to talk with her more about this because as a counselor/art therapist, I’ve always been under the impression you DO have counseling skills with the extra advantage of INCORPORATING the arts. At the same time, I felt a bit discouraged because I actually really like the prospect of that career and the examples she was providing, even though her point was that they’re limited.
After the Symposium, I was looking down at the Atrium from above. It was so crowded down there, I’m SURE absolutely maxed out with all the people I know in the SSW. I was scared of seeing Max and Savannah. The first person I saw when I looked down was Erin. Then I looked up and saw Autumn right next to me. I started talking to her, but again (JUST LIKE YESTERDAY AT THE BUS STOP) couldn’t even hear her. I was so anxious and so stressed and so scared and nervous that I just wasn’t even listening, while trying to also listen and be a good fucking friend, jesus christ, I’m terrible.
I texted Erin telling her to look up (even though I was in the bathroom- which was stupid. Why would I not wait till after I came back out to the window?) She said she didn’t see me (obviously). Then when I got back out there I texted her again saying “Look up.” I saw her look up and shrug her shoulders like “wtf” and then turn around and see me at the window. She smiled and waved and texted me. I stood there texting her back for a couple seconds. Then I told her to wave again and went on my way. Sunny came out of the ECC and I took that as an opportunity to ask for her contact info even though at the time I didn’t really care for it (now I’m glad I did it because I think she actually can offer some good information to me regarding this self-designed field program), but it was more out of anxiety, I stopped her, asked her for her contact info, so that if people I know did see me, they’d see I was busy/occupied/and aka confident.
She gave me her email and I started trying to text it to myself and accidentally started texting it to Savannah. I flipped the hell out saying “Oops, sorry, wait, I tried to text it to myself and ended up almost sending it to someone I absolutely cannot send things to” and she laughed. For the first time I almost felt above all this shit.
Then I utilized this as an opportunity to walk out of the SSW with someone. We were talking and she asked if I live in A2 and I said Ypsi and as we walked through that doorway past OSS and into the upper commons, she told me she likes Ypsi better because it has better coffee shops. I sorta did a combo of a scoff and a laugh. I have no idea why I thought it was so funny? ANXIETY. I was passing a crowd of people and I wanted them to see that I was talking to someone, involved, confident, comfortable, and thriving. Not: Slouched over, nervous, weird, awkward, a failure, misplaced, or visibly uncomfortable).
After that I thanked her for putting on the event and said it was nice to meet her, and then I veered right and sat down on the cement bench where Rachel and I had sat yesterday, but closer to the entrance so that people I knew COULD see me if they were walking in and out of the building. But I looked down at my phone and started playing on it in fear they would see me. This is my life. This is social anxiety disorder.
At that point I got an incoming email from Joy reaching out to see how I am doing and inviting me to Hungerwise regardless of whether or not I’m all caught up. I flipped my phone horizontally and began writing a response, thanking her for her concern, saying I’m sorry I missed 3 weeks in a row, I’ve been immensely depressed and struggling, but would like to come tomorrow etc etc, but question whether I should just take the next class instead, but asked if I had to re-pay for it, blah blah blah. At that point, I look up, and there’s Savannah.
Walking out of the building towards Espresso Royale with a short and petite dark haired person- it may have been Monte.
It was then when I realized (and subsequently got EXTREMELY depressed) that Savannah was moving on. Making other friends and highly immersed in a program that I’m no longer a part of, as much as I still try to be. Like this was her life- coffee between classes like her and I used to do, but with new friends. Every right (obvs.) to make new friends, I want her to thrive and be happy. Just something about seeing that was so hard for me. And then I remembered that I’m an overwhelming friend. That’s what I’ve been told. Max specifically said, “Many people have shared with them that I am overwhelming to be friends with.”
My depression from all of this is that kind that makes you feel frozen. Aside from the fact that it’s also winter- it just makes you feel like dead ice.
After that Espresso thing, I hopped up, and walked quickly to the bus. At the bus stop I looked back down the street and saw her and the Monte girl rushing back into the SSW. It was the green coat. They were far away. I was sad. I wondered if she could see me. I wondered if she saw me sitting there at the SSW. I wonder if she can see how I carry myself, how sad I am, and whether or not this also makes her feel sad.
Or if she’s moving on into the wind leaving me behind.
After that I drove to therapy and tried to explain to Amy all of what happened on campus yesterday and today- all the stuff about Savannah and running into her 3 times and the anxiety and how sore my body is. How I cry everywhere I go, how I feel frozen and depressed. How I feel like nothing and have lost my authentic self, worried all I am is a byproduct of my new diagnoses. That my whole life, everything I’ve ever said or done, has been a product of my PTSD and codependency. Talked about Rachel. Talked about the CoDA thing.
I want to talk to her about the idea Rachel gave me of passing on control to a higher power. A higher power being a god/deity, religion, nature, art, the group itself, or the spiritual universe.
I also have the topic of rituals on my mind from the Fakir Intensives conversation I had with Amanda this morning.
A psychologist once tried to diagnose me as a fucking sadist. Did you know in the piercing world, rituals for the very reason I’m into piercing, exist as healing experiences to let go of things no longer wanted by being sensually put through pain/physical support, not as kink and not as weirdo-ville, but as an individual request for personal freedom.
Peace out, 3:50am.
Sunday, November 13th
So Saturday was a pretty relaxed day. Breakfast wasn’t until 9 so we had some time to sleep in…although I cant sleep in past 6am anymore because we go to bed every night at 9:30. We ended up deciding to make a French toast casserole. We pretty much just winged it. We had no idea what we were doing but it turned out really well! Andrea had made the potatoes crispy too so it was awesome. Then we all went to work inputting survey data from the KPI kids and the non-KPI kids. After that we all headed to nyanza. We hopped on a bus and belted some tunes (bohemian rhapsody, she will be loved, sweet home Alabama etc.) We went to the Kings Palace Museum, which was a hoot and a half. Our tour guide was freaking hilarious. It was totally off the goop. He made everything so weird. We toured this traditional African kings hut where he made these crazy comments about the queens ass being huge and cow skin on the bed for all the liquids. Then we toured this virgin milkmaids hut. Apparently girls were picked at like 6 years old and trained for 10 years to be the perfect milk pourer. And they had to remain a virgin and weren’t allowed to ever leave the hut complex unless they died or the king died. Then we toured the virgin beer testers hut which was very funny as well because apparently the dude is drunk all the time and is also forced to remain a virgin (like the tour guide apparently) yet the milk maid lives next door so there is a guard that has to stand in between the huts to make sure they don’t ever meet. The whole tour was just hilarious. Then we saw these cows with huge horns that were so cool and sweet and we were allowed to pet them and this guy came out and sang this very strange song to us. The tour guide did not explain any of the song however so it was super strange. Then we went to the modern kings palace and the tour just got weirder and weirder. There was a Belgium room but everyone thought he said virgin room. Then there was a flat screen in one of the rooms (1950s?) and an electric hand drier. The bathroom said out of order? As if we were allowed to pee in the kings palace. Then we went to the garage and the weirdest of all. The guide said the king was so tall he removed the front seat of the Volvo so he could drive from the back seat because he was so tall. And if that is a little too believable he also said that the king was so strong that instead of turning the car with the wheel he got out of the car, and picked it up to turn it. It was absolute bullshit. Also everyone was geeking because one of the girls on the tour put her feet on Brookes while we were just standing in the garage. This tour was the weirdest thing ever. After that we were all sufficiently geeking out. Then we went to the market in search of fabric. I got some and again my bargaining skills were lackluster. I should have just gotten Michael to bargain for me. I got enough for my taluma tote so that’s exciting. Then we got a bunch of donut ball things that were pretty good (especially with nutella). Unfortunately we were all eating them in the market then Maya reminded us that eating in public is rude because a lot of people are poor and hungry and we felt terrible. After that we headed back home.
That night we decided to play murderer in the dark (my brilliant idea). It was so much fun. Savannah was the murderer THREE FREAKING TIMES. It was so much fun because we all got so into it and everyone is afraid of the dark so it was hilarious. Friends turned against friends. It was so funny. It was hilarious because Brooke vouched so hard for savannah and she was so betrayed. Nadine sat on the couch the whole time hahaha. People kept freaking thinking it was me because I was leading discussion. Claire and Marj were the worst murderers ever.
Sunday morning we got right to work on our murals. I finished sketching the KPI logo with KP last weekend so we got to go straight into painting. Finding the perfect colors was hard. We spent a good 20 minutes for each shade we did. Overall we definitely inhaled A LOT of chemicals. I was basically soaked with paint thinner and probably high from the fumes. But the logo turned out looking really good. I surprisingly and accidentally made the perfect shade of chocolate just by mixing red and blue lol. KP and keely had been trying to get a brown like that for like 30 minutes. After that KP and I hopped in the car with Maya and Michael (the others had already left) and headed to community day. I pretty much played volleyball all day again. It was really fun but Eric was vicious as always (he played for the Rwandan national team like wtf that’s not fair). Then Clement came and he and I got kinda competitive. It was pretty funny. Sunday night KP, Maya, Patrick and I had a long talk about relationships and such. It pretty much ended up as Patrick and I talking and KP and Maya talking. Talking to them is always amazing. Patrick is so wise and really has some great advice.
first and last time ill post about myself (maybe)
* 1: name omar * 2: Age 19 * 3: Fears oblivion * 4: 3 things I love Food, Art, my girl * 5: turn ons my girl * 6: turn offs everyone else * 7: My best friend savannah then james 2nd just cause he knows me well * 8: Sexual orientation i am a male. penis and all. * 9: My best first date dont remember * 10: How tall am I 5'7 ish lol * 11: What do I miss the way holidays use to feel * 12: What time were I born an inconvenient one * 13: Favourite color lol black, red, grey * 14: Do I have a crush no i have a gf * 15: Favourite quote you get what you give * 16: Favourite place i hate crowds lol but i love the city especially during arts festivals * 17: Favourite food anything home made, steak and seafood are both at the top * 18: Do I use sarcasm when im using english * 19: What am I listening to right now Migos * 20: First thing I notice in new person how much they talk and what about * 21: Shoe size 10.5 US * 22: Eye color brown * 23: Hair color black * 24: Favourite style of clothing ummm... shit if its black, fits loose and is casual enough for hang outs but also stylish for dinner dates, you set * 25: Ever done a prank call? once and the cops came saying it wasnt funny * 27: Meaning behind my URL its my name and i was born in the 90's *shrug* * 28: Favourite movie i love all kinds of movie its hard to pick a favorite * 29: Favourite song gold steps / Neck Deep * 30: Favourite band BMTH/NeckDeep/Deftones * 31: How I feel right now annoyed as always * 32: Someone I love savannah marie * 33: My current relationship status almost a years worth of lovin * 34: My relationship with my parents all up in my life * 35: Favourite holiday christmas/thanksgiving * 36: Tattoos and piercing i have none and none but coming soon * 37: Tattoos and piercing i want a thigh piece that'll be across both a chest piece of the quote i put up there ears and nose but my girl dont like the idea of my nose * 38: The reason I joined Tumblr it was cool in 2013 * 39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? lol kat is a bitch for leading me on into a relationship i thought she was actually gonna dedicate to * 40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? texts and phone calls from my gf * 41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? all the time * 42: When did I last hold hands? last time i saw savannah * 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? depends on where im headed to * 44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? not in the past 19 years * 45: Where am I right now? on bluemound omw to work * 46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? savannah we usual go out together * 47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? loud unless we chillin and talkin * 48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? about to be neither in like a week but my dad * 49: Am I excited for anything? moving out, tattoos, painting, cooking, working out * 50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? savannah * 51: How often do I wear a fake smile? ehh if im mad u can tell * 52: When was the last time I hugged someone? told my grandparents bye while leaving for work * 53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? id go crazy and probably kill both of them * 54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? lol yeah cause he dont keep secrets well * 55: What is something I disliked about today? i didn't see sav * 56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? André3000, Big Boy, Johnny Depp, Lenny Kravitz, and Post Malone lol ;Posty because he from round my city so we could vibe easily * 57: What do I think about most? life and how im failing or acing it * 58: What’s my strangest talent? it wouldnt be strange to me so idk * 59: Do I have any strange phobias? fuck caterpillars, fuck slugs, and snails whatever phobia that is * 60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? haha both but im usually behind it * 61: What was the last lie I told? im not hungry * 62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online? otp cause idk what to do with my face on facetime * 63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? yes and yes theres greater and more advanced beings than us and also souls dude they can choose to stay or go so like duh * 64: Do I believe in magic? yeah * 65: Do I believe in luck? ya * 66: What’s the weather like right now? breezy i work outside so perfect * 67: What was the last book I’ve read? i start books and halfway start another * 68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? FCUJ YES lol idk why its like dude i should be getting high of this smell but its not making me high wtf * 69: Do I have any nicknames? omii (oh-me) , catfish , choncho * 70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? broke my arm, nose, and ankle * 71: Do I spend money or save it? both when needed * 72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? no * 73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me? what? no * 74: Favourite animal? red pandas * 75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? at work * 76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? sama * 77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? hey ya / outkast * 78: How can you win my heart? being sav * 79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? "See ya later losers" * 80: What is my favorite word? trudge * 81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr um idk their specific url's but i follow a graffiti one, a music one, a painting one, and some others similar to these * 82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? stop with all the hate man, if someone isn't harming you or effecting your life specifically let them be. let people do what they want to do and dont harm. thats it. * 83: Do I have any relatives in jail? did, he passed away. * 84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? teleportation * 85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? if im hungry because its a yes 100% of the time * 86: What is my current desktop picture? my uncle who passed away * 87: Had sex? ya * 88: Bought condoms? ya * 89: Gotten pregnant? not possible * 90: Failed a class? ya * 91: Kissed a boy? no * 92: Kissed a girl? ya * 93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? ya * 94: Had job? ya * 95: Left the house without my wallet? yes * 96: Bullied someone on the internet? lol ya * 97: Had sex in public? no * 98: Played on a sports team? ya * 99: Smoked weed? ya * 100: Did drugs? ig * 101: Smoked cigarettes? yea * 102: Drank alcohol? yerp * 103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? nah nah i love steak * 104: Been overweight? still am * 105: Been underweight? yea * 106: Been to a wedding? yes * 107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? i guess maybe * 108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? yea * 109: Been outside my home country? yes * 110: Gotten my heart broken? i suppose * 111: Been to a professional sports game? yes * 112: Broken a bone? a couple * 113: Cut myself? by accident * 114: Been to prom? yea * 115: Been in airplane? yes * 116: Fly by helicopter? nah * 117: What concerts have I been to? Kevin Gates, Big Sean, Jeremih, Carnage, RaeSremmurd, Post Malone, Russ, Future, J Cole * 118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? hella nah * 119: Learned another language? spanish * 120: Wore make up? for theater * 121: Lost my virginity before I was 18? yes * 122: Had oral sex? yes * 123: Dyed my hair? no * 124: Voted in a presidential election? no * 125: Rode in an ambulance? recently * 126: Had a surgery? yes * 127: Met someone famous? yes * 128: Stalked someone on a social network? no * 129: Peed outside? yes * 130: Been fishing? many times * 131: Helped with charity? yea * 132: Been rejected by a crush? dont think so * 133: Broken a mirror? no * 134: What do I want for birthday? an apartment * 135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? 4 - 2 boys first 1girl then another boy i only know my first sons name will be Aiden * 136: Was I named after anyone? no * 137: Do I like my handwriting? hell nah * 138: What was my favourite toy as a child? headphones * 139: Favourite Tv Show? shameless, Friends, family guy * 140: Where do I want to live when older? on my own * 141: Play any musical instrument? no * 142: One of my scars, how did I get it? forearm surgery 2 plates 11 screws * 143: Favourite pizza toping? pepperoni * 144: Am I afraid of the dark? sometimes * 145: Am I afraid of heights? no * 146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? yes plenty * 147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? eh life * 148: What I’m really bad at life * 149: What my greatest achievments are finding my gf * 150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: idk * 151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery get tf outta here and go be alone * 152: What do I like about myself theres only one me * 153: My closest Tumblr friend none * 154: Something I fantasise about eat food from around the world * 155: Any question you’d like how was my day? eh i woke up at 2pm and haven't had any food yet so im pretty grumpy
12/4/17 - U of M
I'm here today. Sitting on the futon at CAPS. I'm waiting for a massage chair. I just high-tailed it like a mad woman out of the SSW. Kathryn Irish walked out the front entrance with me while I looked straight ahead. "I'm just gonna look straight ahead," I said "Not looking at anybody." "I do that too sometimes," she said. I gulped. We opened the door, passed through the upstairs commons, infiltrated with students in chairs. I looked ahead and then downward. Who recognized me? Surely they knew me.
We walked out the front door. We thanked each other for meeting and then we split. I high-tailed it down South University, faster than normal, because my heartbeat was pounding. "Who can see me? I hope they saw me with Kathryn Irish. I hope they didn't see me. I hope they're watching."
I walked fast, harder, harder. I had my stomach sucked in, flaunting my black feather Carly, teal Lindsey, and black scarf. I had done my makeup extra beautiful and straightened my newly colored hair dyed pink, red, orange, and purple. I had my hippie purse swung over my left shoulder, carrying my black winter coat in my left arm, laptop bag swung over left shoulder. No sunglasses today - facing the sun with pride.
Approaching the Law School, I look to my right. Along the sidewalk near the Art Museum, I see a bright green coat. They're walking with someone. "Anyone could have that coat," I tell myself. "Could be anyone."
They're walking across the pedestrian crosswalk of State St, turning into South U, same side of the road I'm on. She's walking with an African American girl. Green coat and Jahda. I was right. Savannah and Jahda. "What are you going to do?" I thought. "This is good," I thought. "All you wanted was for her to see you, run into you, see you doing well and thriving," I thought. "We're just gonna take it as it comes."
I look up, surely they see me. I look down toward my phone. Start randomly swiping. They are closer. I look up. They're smiling, so I smile. "This may be okay," I said to myself. "Savannah's smiling at me even though she's not talking to me."
"Hi Friend!" Jahda calls out. "Heyyyy!" I said, still walking with Katie-Class. We all come to a slowed halt.
"I like your hair!" Jahda yells. That made me feel good. "Thanks!" I smiled. I glanced at them both. Jahda was talking and I didn't mean to, but my panic started inadvertently toning her out. "What do I do?" I thought. Big frog in throat. Gulping. Dry throat. Can't swallow.
She looks up at me, sincerely.
"Can we talk."
She's looking at me.
She's looking at me.
"I'll send you a message," she says.
I look at her, never dropping eye contact.
"In person," I say. "Please."
It was like my world, everything going on around the outside world had froze. I wasn't breathing. I was looking at her, hoping. Praying.
She looked away, up, and around, thinking, pondering, giving in.
"I'll send you a message about scheduling a time to meet."
I smiled. "Ok!" I said. I was radiating.
I put up my hands, slowly nodded, pausing the conversation briefly -
".... At, your, own, convenience. Your own space. I know you're busy."
"I'm so busy," she said. "This time in the semester, everything is crazy right now..."
"I know. I know. Everyone, is telling me all about it. I know."
There was a pause. I looked at them both. I can't remember if anything more was said. I began starting to get ready to walk again, shuffled my stuff. They started walking a few steps too. I turned around.
Like old times, I go, "I just met with Kathryn Irish!" Savannah gave me a look. Her usual look. That look we both share for Kathryn Irish like, "Wtf. Oh god."
"For 2 hours!" I shout.
Intensified look. Mouth open, rolling her eyes.
I think we all said bye and maybe, "We'll talk soon."
I continued to high-tail it. I was happy, yet distressed, knowing there's still a high chance to receive a message like, "Listen Katie. I don't think it's a good idea to talk in person. I think you're a great person, but we need to be done."
I also knew that her wanting to originally message would ABSOLUTELY yield that. But I hope she's willing to give me a chance.
I was crying in my car on the way here; well, on the way to the park-and-ride; over messages received this morning from someone else, after staying up till midnight writing an amazing letter and sending it in faith.
I talked to Rachel till nearly 2-3am. She asked if I've ever considered CoDa - Codependents Anonymous. I said I hadn't heard of it. We talked about my recent C-PTSD diagnosis and how it overlaps with codependency. I asked her how she could tell so immediately, after only brief sharing of information, that I suffered from codependency.
"I'm very perceptive," she said. "And I know a lot of people who went through the program. I'm also on the empath spectrum."
I got so excited!
"Omgggg, same here. Are you a psychic empath? I was going to ask you that earlier; I could tell. I am too."
"No I'm not. I've honestly never heard the term."
"Empath? Spiritual Empath?"
"No, Psychic Empath."
"Same thing, really. There's a really good article or 2 out there, I'll find them. The psychic part sounds crazy maybe. Idk. Depends what interests you and what you're open to. Spiritual empath is a better term. More comfortable.
I'll find them and send them to you. Basically being able to sense how others are feeling or feeling as if you know others well upon first encounter. If you google 'signs you're an empath' you'll have some good finds."
"I'll look into it," she said.
I asked her whether CoDa was religiously/spiritually oriented.
"Oh yeah, there’s tons.
"Yes, it’s a spiritual program. Whether that’s religion, and a certain god or deity, or just something greater than you like nature or the group."
"Ohhhh okay," I said. "I have a really strong spiritual connection to nature, but I'm not really connected to a god or deity. I'm not religious so I wondered whether it would involve turning away from depending on others and depending on god.
I have a spiritual connection to nature and then also loved ones in heaven.
I mean, I guess you could also say I turn to 'the universe.'"
"So my higher power is the spirit of the universe. I say God for short. It's very similar."
"That's awesome," I said. "Sounds peaceful."
"Knowing I’m not in control.. yeah, it is 😊"
"Interesting. I haven't explored spirituality very much. That's a larger than life concept though for sure. I feel like it would take me a long time to grasp that. I'm interested in exploring Buddhism."
"It's worth it," she said.
At 12 noon today, I met Rachel outside the SSW. She missed her morning class, but still met me at noon. We went off to the side and stood. I was nervous. It was the first time I'd seen her since she told me we could have sex.
She told me she couldn't sleep last night with the GOP Tax Plan, and thus decided to miss class. She began vaping, and we talked about the tax plan.
Alyssa showed up and began walking over. I quickly mentioned to Rachel, "So I sorta arranged this with 2 different people in case someone forgot..." Rachel laughed.
"This is Rachel, this is Alyssa," I introduced them to each other. We all talked a bit. "I'm so nervous!" I said.
"Awww you'll be fine. You can do it," said Alyssa.
"Did you meditate?" asked Rachel.
I sorta laughed.
"No, I didn't have time to meditate before this or last night.."
"You ready?" they asked.
"Um, yeah, so like, what should we do? What do you wanna do?"
"It doesn't matter," they both said.
"It's up to you," I said. "Should we all go up?"
"Yeah! Let's all go up," they said. "It's gonna be okay!
"Can we take the elevator? I'm not climbing steps," I said. They laughed. We opened the door. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed the highly infiltrated upper level commons. I hoped someone I know would notice me, supported on both sides, by friends. One- a girl I almost had sex with. The other, a new friend. Both supporting me. I was safe.
We walked toward the elevator, stepped inside. It went down first, then back up to 2. The doors got stuck and wouldn't open. "Omg this is my worst nightmare coming true," Alyssa said.
"Should we go up to 3 and then down the stairs?" someone asked.
"Let's try it again," both Rachel and I said.
It worked that time. I read the office number, 2764, from the email. Rachel led the way. "It's so confusing up here," said Alyssa. "I know," I said, "Easy to get lost."
Rachel found it Nd immediately popped her head in.
"Oh, hi!" exclaimed Kathryn.
"I'm sorry I wasn't in class. I couldn't sleep last night with the GOP Tax Plan," said Rachel.
Kathryn was super intrigued and understanding. I then hugged Rachel and said thank you. I hugged Alyssa, said thank you. "You're gonna be fine," they both said. We said goodbye. I walked in.
"Hi!" I exclaimed.
"Hi! Omg! It's so great to see you!" exclaimed Kathryn.
( TBC. )
5:08 PM = Saw Savannah outside SSW. I was approaching yet again and didn't know what to do. I already saw her once. I miss her so much. I just. I felt compelled to approach her. I had nothing to say, but had just spent the last 3 hours struggling through somatic trauma in Michigan Union.
Didn't hear me.
Didn't hear me.
She turned around, just sorta looking at me. I stumbled.
"Um. Sorry. I just thought I would say hi. Because I was walking past you."
"Hi," she said. "What have you been up to?"
"Um. I had a meeting with Kirish today for a few hours."
I looked down. My voice was shaking and I was ready to cry.
"And um. Then I went to CAPS."
I looked up at her.
She was nodding and smiling like she genuinely cared maybe.
"And that's about it," I said. She nodded supportively and then was looking all around, car to car, in a hurry, saying "That's actually my uber, so I gotta go," (pointing and rushing), "But um, I'll get a hold of you when I have some free time from school and everything." "Yeah, okay, sounds good." And she went and caught her uber. I was frazzled and in a state of episodic shock having approached her without a purpose. I immediately got very depressed after that. I crossed the road. I couldn't go back behind me because Rachel was out there. She may have seen the whole thing. Alyssa and Erin had to have been out there. At least 3 separate 521/511 classes had just let out. All FLO members were there for the meeting which evidently was cancelled (reason why I was headed that way). For all I know, Kathryn Irish could have been out there. Max, easily. Brendon, Erica, Shelby, Erin, Alyssa, Rachel, Autumn, Amanda, Mitch, Kari, Danny, I'm sure they were all out there. I saw Haley!!! She was on the phone, but we both said hi. That was so nice. I miss her. I came that way knowing FLO had cancelled, but I wanted to be amidst it all. I wanted to feel a part of it all. I also did not want anyone to see me. After that, I didn't know which way to turn. Couldn't look behind me at all those potential people. Almost went to Espresso Royale, but didn't WANT coffee. Could have hit the diag, but WHY?? Could have gone to Gamma, but already established with Tyler I had no reason to. I was trapped. It occurred to me maybe she thought I went to CAPS to see a therapist, especially after receiving Max's letter. How much did she know????? Did she know they deleted me on FB? Was she apart of that decision? Did she support it? Does she want to do it too? Will she? Did she know I replied to their letter and send it last night? Had she read Max's letter? Did she read mine? Did she know Max and I communicated this morning? Did she know I still talk to Rachel? Did she know about Portland? Does she know how much this hurts? I ended up just walking back around like a moron, actually following her, but way behind, maintained a distance. She got into her uber, it took off, and I continued walking with blisters to the bus stop by the libraries I saw Autumn and stopped. I missed two 62's in a row. We talked about how things have been going. I was extremely distracted and anxious. She got on her bus and I walked back to the actual stop. I waited a while then realized I didn't want to stand on a crowded bus, so I walked BACK to the Union and waited for the next one. I cried very softly. Held myself. When my bus came, I got on and cried a little more. I stared into space after that and went away for the rest of the ride. By the time we got around to the libraries, we were packed. But my feet hurt from these boots. And I have a hole in my sock rubbing my foot raw on Central Campus. Now I'm in my car and have been for a half hour writing this in the State St. P&R lot. I'm about to head home and blog some more. I'm trying to tell myself I'm proud because had I not gone today, I never would have bravely approached Savannah. She knows I struggle. I'm sure she sensed anxiety and shame on that second encounter and she is genuine. I like to think she still cares even when mad at me. So I'm not too worried about her still thinking about this as deeply and thoroughly as I still am. It affected me strongly. I think it's what Amy calls a flashback maybe. I'm proud of myself for openly putting myself through the depression and fear involved in the day. I'm proud of meeting with Rachel, Alyssa, and Kathryn. I'm proud of myself for the winter of 2005, spring 2006, summer 2007, fall 2007, all of 2008, all of 2009, summer 2010, fall 2010, summer 2011, fall 2011, Western, summer 2013, fall 2014, spring 2015, spring 2016, fall 2016, summer 2017, fall 2017, and now.