#i see a lot of people throw or act toxic in matches because it's funny | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lovingnekoma · 4 years

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Hi Artemis! I want to congratulate you for your 1.3k and making the cafe event! I would like to participate in it and ask for a Viet Coffee please. Im a 5'4.5" she/her Asian Libra with thigh length black hair who lives for chill and late night aesthetics. Some hobbies of mine are singing, dancing, drawing and playing games. Im a good mix of pastel girl and full black hues. Im fairly flirty/kinky and sensitive but Im very understanding and optimistic despite having anxiety. Thank you so much! 🖤

okay. okay i’m slfkjs i’m acc one of ur anons but istg when i read ur description i hit “kinky” and went “sakusa” and it was not biased at all this is legit just what popped into my head

i match you with... sakusa !

headcanons 4 u

depends on the music ig but sakusa really actually likes music? i kinda imagine him w either obsecure music taste and/or liking some jazz. like big band jazz, count basie stuff, a lil ella fitzgerald i was in jazz for 4 years pls spare me for projecting but anyway he’ll def take the aux away from you if you play music he doesn’t like in his car lmao but at home he just kinda likes watching you vibe to whatever music you’re listening to, even if it isn’t something he necessarily likes. he likes feeling your energy

ive given up on the structured 3-5 headcanons — if you throw it back he can catch it for sureeee and if you make a tiktok where you’re shaking your ass he’s gonna act unaffected to fuck with you, screw you into the sheets later, and then just delete the tiktok as he passes by when you’re editing it lmao. also aesthetically the contrast is super different because after sakusa grows out of his toxic waste trainwreck style his style is acc very classic, a capsule wardrobe, lots of clean lines and neutrals and muted colours and a few earthy/jewel tones. its kinda sick seeing you guys go out dressed w contrasting styles thats on being icons

omi isn’t superrr into video games but he plays a little!! idk much about them but idk i feel like hes a secret king of rainbow road and regularly kicks atsumu’s ass lmao. speaking of — gaming nights w the black jackals!! y’all all get on to play and issa nice bonding experience, esp bc you help him grow closer to the jackals! sometimes you sit on his lap and he just doesn’t play. idk if you can tell the common theme lmao but omi kinda likes to vibe with you

so so sooo many late night conversations!! you drag him out for as many late night shenanigansa as you can, whether it be a food festival or a quick corner store run! these usuallyyy happen in the off season because sakusa has a really structured routine but he’ll break it to talk to you, esp if you guys are having deep conversations. sometimes tho you go sit on the roof w some beers or smth and vibe. omi doesnt really get high but he’ll have like, a weed soda

you guys are super respectful of your boundaries and obviously all partners should be but with your anxiety and his mysophobia, you guys really have a lot of trust and open communication and a super safe relationship. sakusa above all is super reliable and will always pick up the phone if you need someone to call and is really good at getting you out of your head when you ask and giving you space when you need. i know some people like headcanon him as not super good at conversation, but he’s actually very chill at conversation and once he gets used to you/you get used to him its just kinda snarky and funny and blunt but he’s learned over the years to soften that blunt edge sometimes it you can always count on him to be honest and straightforward with you. and to also tell you what he needs too because thats important and reassuring

i’m overboard i jus have a lot of headcanons slfkjs bc you like got together by flirting w sakusa at a party or smth and usually hes kinda like :| but you were just so g to be around him and like didnt expect him to interact if he didnt want to and that kinda caught his interest and so like,, you got invited to more things where he was there and he slowly got to know you and you continued to flirt with him. you were just <33 about him from the beginning bc like. have u seen sakusa?? 6’4”??? jacked? with THOSE thighs? and thought he was kinda cute esp w the way his eyes smiled okay i’m done writing ur love story i am RAMBLING i’m so sorry bye lmao

okay so this is a decidedly very nsfw headcanon. i did reread your rules and what youre comfy with on your blog and these all should be g so trigger warning for: impact play, bondage, choking under the cut

do i...... do i need to...... elaborate w kinky sakusa??? i mean i’m gonna and its all based around bdsm so 🤠 so much impact play. so much. i’m kinda a sucker for rubber floggers so thats what sakusa likes to use but riding crops are his jam and you’ll learn to love them if you don’t already lmao (provided theyre not a hard limit for you) always likes to finish w his hand tho <3 also some light genital slapping <3 spreader bars are his go-to to keep you in line and he likes to collar you <3 make sure you know youre his <3 uhh also sometimes will chain the collar to the headboard for some light choking

#lmao i did not hit 1.3k but i appreciate the thought <333 #sorry this took so long lmao #i’m acc procrastinating studying for my exams rn whoops but yea school :/#hope u like it tho!!1 #mod.moots #.☕️ first coffeehouse

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spaceskam · 5 years

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draft number 34 for @winged-fool @insidious-intent and @lire-casander! this got away from me and turned into something else whoops

warning: suicidal thoughts & terminal illness

ao3

“Alex, you need to talk to them.”

“No.”

Kyle sighed, trying not to show how badly he was hurting for his friend. He wasn’t sure exactly what happened, but Alex was really fucking sick. An un-fixable level of sick. Kyle just had to watch as he laid up in bed and let it happen.

“You’re going to regret it,” Kyle tried again. Alex shook his head, wincing as he curled further into himself. He refused to tell him exactly what was wrong, only that he had limited time left. To say it was infuriating was an understatement.

“I said all I wanted to say to them,” Alex told him, “Can you get me water please?”

Kyle sighed, “Yes. But please think about talking to them.”

Four months prior, Alex had gotten drunk during a friendly brunch and basically destroyed his relationship with everyone. Kyle was the only one who stuck around because, well, Alex had insulted them with the truth. Kyle couldn’t blame Alex for getting fed up and calling people out on their shit. Maria did backstab him, Michael did ignore his feelings, Liz did choose favorites, Kyle did put his father in a coma that he woke up from. Alex was right.

The place where Alex went wrong was refusing to even try to reconcile whenever they were still all working on the same goal. Maybe they didn’t try either, but it still caused a lot of problems.

Kyle brought Alex a glass of water and pills for the pain. Ever since Alex had accepted his “fate”, he became willing to take whatever would make him get through the day without feeling like complete trash. Kyle helped him take a sip and brushed his hair off his sweaty forehead.

“I wish you’d let me help you,” he sighed. Alex shrugged slightly.

“You are helping.”

“Keeping you comfortable is not helping,” Kyle said, “I don’t even know what’s wrong with you. Have you even been to see a doctor? How do you know for sure it’s fatal?”

Alex looked up at him, eyes bloodshot like they always were these days. His face was sunken in, his face was pale, and, beneath his baggy clothes and blankets, his body was rail thin. His symptoms didn’t match anything Kyle knew–or, rather, they matched too many things. Weak, coughing, loss of appetite, hair loss, trouble breathing, aching muscles, loss of hand-eye coordination, dizzy spells, fatigue, vomiting. He just had fucking everything and it was destroying him.

“I don’t need a doctor to know what it is and that it’s fatal,” Alex told him. Which, to his credit, was the most he’d ever said about his ailment.

“Alex, if there’s some way to stop this then–”

“There isn’t,” he said as firmly as his body would allow, “Promise.”

“I don’t want to lose you, Alex,” he admitted. Alex swallowed and took a heavy breath.

“You’ll be fine. I’ll be out of your hair before you know it.”

He didn’t know how to quite articulate just how not bothered he was by taking care of him, so he didn’t. He just let him fall asleep and stayed at his bedside.

“Kyle.”

Kyle glanced up and saw Michael trying and failing to pretend this was an accidental run-in. He’d seen the alien leaving the coffee shop next door before spotting him and then magically appearing in the grocery store with him.

“What’s up?” Kyle asked, trying to act like he wasn’t frustrated. But he was.

He wanted to grab Michael, throw him in the car, and force him to talk to Alex. He knew that if Alex died and the last thing he said to Michael was “funny that you never wanted to settle down until it was specially designed to ruin my life, can’t wait for your children to haunt me”, then he’d regret it. He didn’t want Alex to die with regrets.

He didn’t want Alex to die.

“Um,” Michael started, clenching and unclenching his fists as he looked around, “This is gonna sound weird, but is Alex okay?”

“Why would that sound weird?” Kyle asked slowly. Michael gave him that look that said ’you know why’. Kyle rolled his eyes. “Why don’t you just come see for yourself?”

Worry creased in Michael’s forehead and he stepped closer.

“What’s going on Kyle? Something feels off, I can’t pinpoint it, but something’s wrong,” he said. Kyle just stared blankly at him then gestured towards the shopping cart.

“I’m doing his grocery shopping. You can come with me back to the cabin if you’d like.”

“He’s not staying at home?” Michael asked, but quickly shook his head, “He doesn’t want to see me, just tell me what’s wrong.”

“I don’t know what’s wrong, he refuses to say,” Kyle sighed. Michael seemed to get even more concerned.

“Well, what the fuck does that mean?”

“You can just see for yourself if you go see him,” Kyle insisted. Michael looked conflicted, pained even. “I’m sure he’d love to see you.”

“He doesn’t want to see me,” Michael repeated, “He made that pretty clear last time we spoke.” Kyle rolled his eyes.

“Look, Alex was drunk and just letting it out. I’m sure he didn’t mean to never see you again after he blew up at brunch,” he insisted. Michael looked at him in confusion.

“No, I meant when I spoke to him last month,” Michael said, “He didn’t tell you? I thought he told you everything now.”

Kyle tilted his head to the side and was ready to go yell at the dying liar.

“What exactly did he say?”

“Alex, I cannot believe you.”

Kyle felt a little bad as he walked into the bedroom and saw him throwing up into the bucket at his bedside. When he stopped, he sunk into the bed looking even worse than he did that morning. He wheezed with every breath, but he still looked at Kyle like he was itching for a challenge.

Kyle was terrified for the day that fight left him.

“I ran into Guerin. He said he tried to talk to you a month ago,” Kyle said, trying his best to keep his voice calm, “Why the hell did you tell him you didn’t love him and didn’t want to see him again? Why lie about that?”

Alex shrugged before quickly sneezing and then groaning because the motion of the sneeze hurt his body. Kyle grimaced and had to take a moment to gather himself. He hated this. This was the worst fucking thing he’d ever gone through.

“Alex,” Kyle started again when it became clear that Alex wasn’t going to answer, “Why’d you say that to him? If you’re so sure you’re going to die, don’t you want to see him?”

Alex frowned and shook his head. “It’s better this way.”

“How?”

“I’d rather go with him thinking we fell out of love than him feel guilty,” Alex said, melting a little more into his bed. Kyle knew he only admitted that because he was on painkillers. However, one part of that definitely stood out to him.

"You were sick a month ago?” Kyle asked, voice as controlled as he could be. That was the only way to get information from a not-entirely-coherent Alex Manes.

“No,” Alex hummed, “But I knew I would get sick.”

Kyle was frozen for a moment, just staring as Alex just started to go to sleep. He let him go to sleep because he needed and then promptly left the room. He knew he was going to get sick. How the hell did he know that? And if he did, why didn’t he do something to stop it?

Against his better judgment, Kyle picked up his phone and called Liz.

“Is there a chance it’s alien?”

“I have no fucking idea,” Kyle sighed, “But maybe. I mean, it doesn’t seem like anything I’ve seen before. Maybe he was messing with something he shouldn’t have? Or found something toxic in the files? He refuses to talk about it.”

Liz pouted as she stared at Alex’s sleeping form. He’d been sleeping a lot more in general, but the last two days he’d been sleeping almost as much as a newborn. It was scaring Kyle more than he wanted to admit. Because knowing Alex was going to die and watching him lose the fight were two very, very different things.

“When he wakes up, he’s going to be so pissed I called you,” Kyle said. Liz gave him a concerned look.

“Does he hate us that much?”

“No, as far as I can tell, he didn’t make a point to make up with anyone because he didn’t want any of you to care when he’s gone,” Kyle said. Liz gave a hurt noise in response and looked over at him. “But, honestly, did any of you reach out to him?”

Liz didn’t answer right away, still staring at Alex’s form. He was pale and sweaty, but he still was covered up with more than a few blankets. Kyle could hear his heavy breathing from across the room. He didn’t know what the fuck to do.

“Have you taken blood? Tested it? Anything?” Liz asked instead. Kyle sighed and shook his head.

“He won’t let me.”

“Well, fuck, do it anyway. We can’t just let him die, Kyle.”

“I’m not forcing medical examinations or treatments on him, Liz. I’m the only one he hasn’t pushed away, so I’m not doing anything to make him hate me too,” Kyle told her. She looked at him, desperate for him to do something. He couldn’t. “I only called you to see if you could help me research for what it could be. Maybe he’ll let me do something if I can give him proof of a cure. I’m not asking you to force anything on him.”

“Okay,” Liz agreed, “We’ll search for a cure.”

“Alex?”

Alex gave a lopsided smile from his place in bed, trying his best to sit up in bed. Kyle walked over and helped him, making sure the tubes providing him oxygen didn’t get tangled up. They’d reached a level of friendship they couldn’t really go back on and he didn’t know how to feel about it.

“You’ve got a visitor,” Kyle told him. Alex furrowed his eyebrows, hands shaking as he tried to sit up without Kyle’s help. Kyle still pulled a pillow behind him for support. “It’s Liz.”

“What?” Alex asked. Liz popped her head in the doorway, smiling. Alex looked up at Kyle and then back to her, letting out a weak noise of discontent from all the movement. “Hi.”

“Hey,” Liz said sweetly, walking further into the bedroom, “How are you?” Alex stared blankly at her. “Right.”

“Liz came and she’s helping me look through files to try and figure out what might be wrong with you,” Kyle said. Alex started to shake his head in protest, but Kyle leaned closer to him. “We found something.”

“Stop,” he said weakly, “I don’t want it.”

“You don’t want to get better?” Liz clarified. Kyle ignored them both.

“The first tests from 1948 have notes of humans getting fatal illnesses two weeks after coming into contact with what I can only assume was originally a vaccine for an illness on their planet or maybe even something they took to help keep them safe from illnesses on ours. They never found a cure, they just locked up the rest of the substance,” Kyle explained. Alex seemed to sink further in bed. “Did you find it?”

Alex was silent for a moment, letting the air feel painfully heavy. Eventually, he sighed.

“I didn’t know what it was. It has a psychic ability to make you want it, probably to help kids not be scared to take it,” Alex said, taking a heavy breath in between every bundle of words, “That and there was already a needle on the vial. I couldn’t help myself.”

“Alex,” Kyle breathed, shaking his head in disdain, “Why didn’t you just tell me? I could’ve-”

“There is no cure. They revisited it before the initial shut down of Project Shepard. They all died, slow and painful deaths. It just happens. No point in fighting it,” Alex said. All the talking had him winded and exhausted again. Kyle shook his head.

“Yes, there is a point. I don’t want you to die,” Kyle said out loud, firmly.

“And this is basically my specialty,” Liz jumped in, “I wish I would’ve had an earlier warning, but I can still try. I don’t want you to die either, Alex. We all love you.”

“I’m tired,” Alex said, refusing to entertain them.

“Alex,” Kyle tried again.

“Stop,” Alex said with the most force he’d had in days, “I don’t want you wasting your fucking time. Leave me alone.”

“Saving your life isn’t a waste of time!” Liz argued.

“Yes, it is.”

They both stared at Alex for a few more minutes, but when he said he was tired, he meant it. He was asleep inhumanly fast and Kyle felt sick. He looked at Liz and they both seemed to decide on something, both of them leaving the room at the same time.

“I’m gonna find what’s left of that serum and we’re going to save him,” Kyle said.

“Agreed.”

“What are you doing?”

Kyle looked up to see Michael hovering in the doorway, clearly being nosey as ever. They shared a look before looking back to Michael.

“Trying to save Alex,” he admitted. Michael’s face went through a sea of emotions. “Yeah, well, you should’ve come to see him when I ran into you last week.”

“What?” Michael asked cautiously, trying to process what was being said, “Is it bad?”

“Yeah,” Liz admitted. Michael stood there for a few more minutes, eyes and face blank like he’d just checked out of the situation. They both stared at him for a moment, letting him look more and more lost with each second.

And then he bolted.

“Should I go after him?” Liz asked. However, there was the sound of his truck starting up.

“He and Maria broke up, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Then no, let him go.”

They were silent for a few hours, still tinkering. They’d been working basically around the clock for the last week, trying to find something as fast as possible. Alex was deteriorating faster each day. It was painful to watch and Kyle was getting more terrified that they weren’t going to find something in time.

“Wait, wait, Kyle, come here,” Liz said, ushering him over. Kyle peered into the microscope to see what she found. “Look, it stopped spreading! It’s been 24 hours with that serum and it stopped spreading!”

“And if we get it to stop spreading in Alex, his body might have a chance at fighting,” Kyle went on.

“And it’ll buy us time to find a legit cure!” she finished, grinning wildly and proud. He could’ve kissed her right then.

“Let’s go.”

Alex couldn’t move.

His body was weak and it was a pain in the ass to breathe, but he was doing it. It was really weird knowing you were out of time and really weird feeling your body slowly shut down. Sure, it wasn’t a new feeling to Alex, but this was the first time he didn’t feel the need to get better. He was content curling up in bed and letting it happen. He did like it better when Kyle was around, though. You know, as long as he wasn’t nagging.

But then a new voice entered the cabin.

“Alex?” Michael called.

Alex’s mind willed him to cover up more, but his body wouldn’t listen. So, instead, he laid there like an embarrassment, heaving each breath as Michael appeared in front of him. He didn’t say anything. Alex didn’t want him to. He just wanted him to leave. Why did he have to make this harder than it needed to be?

“Oh my God, Alex,” Michael whispered, cautiously reaching out to touch him. Part of Alex wanted to move away, but when his warm hand rested on his cheek, he couldn’t think of anything he’d rather feel before he died.

Michael kept saying his name in all different tones, all different emotions. It was something he didn’t know he wanted. Why was he sweet now?

“I’m so sorry I didn’t come see you earlier. I’m so sorry,” Michael gushed. Alex just closed his eyes and sort of wished he would leave. He hadn’t come earlier. There was a reason for that. They weren’t together and he didn’t want Michael feeling guilty. He was tired of making Michael upset.

With all the energy he could muster, Alex said, “Leave.”

Michael immediately shook his head and moved to sit on Alex’s bed.

“No, I’m not going anywhere. Not anymore. No more pushing each other away, right?” he said softly, running his hand through Alex’s hair. Alex sucked in another breath and he was so fucking tired. “Can I lay with you for a little while?”

Alex didn’t say yes, but he didn’t say no either. He wasn’t sure he had the energy to say anything even if he wanted to. And, right now, he was sort of okay with Michael just laying with him. If he wasn’t going to leave, might as well be selfish, right?

Michael lowered himself as carefully as possible, making sure not to interfere with the wires that were keeping Alex comfortable. He laid beside him and slowly, carefully tried to cuddle up against him. Alex couldn’t really make an effort on his own, but he could rest his head on Michael’s bicep. Michael reached out and let his arm gently rest over Alex’s thin torso.

“You’re gonna get better,” Michael whispered, “And then we’re gonna work out together so you can get your abs back.” Alex managed a tiny smile that didn’t last too long, but it seemed to suffice.

It didn’t take long for him to fall asleep.

“Guys!”

Kyle and Liz both ran into Alex’s cabin and into his bedroom as fast as they could, seeing both men asleep in Alex’s bed. Kyle gave a silent thanks to Michael for clearly doing something right for once in his life. At the commotion, Michael sleepily raised his head.

“We think we found something that’ll stop the spread of the poison in his bloodstream,” Liz said to him, “Wake him up.”

Michael still seemed out of it, but he nodded and shifted slowly so he wouldn’t hurt him. Alex had ended up morphed into his side and it was the most at peace Kyle had seen him in days. Michael touched his cheek.

“Alex,” he called softly, trying to just sweet-talk him awake, “You gotta wake up, okay?” A few more seconds of him being calm passed before it became clear that Alex wasn’t waking up. “Alex? Alex, c’mon.”

Kyle all but jumped onto the bed, trying not to be too harsh as he moved Michael out of the way to check out Alex. He quickly felt for a pulse and found it was super faint along with the fact that he was barely breathing. They had to do something now.

“Okay, fuck, okay, Liz, we need to give him the serum right now and then follow it up with a steroid shot,” he said, “Michael, my bag is in the other room and I have a bottle of dexamethasone, get that for me with a needle and gloves.”

“Wait, do you know how that’s going to interact with the serum or are you just fucking guessing?” Michael asked, panic on his face. Kyle almost kicked him out of the bed.

“I don’t have a choice, I’m trying to save his life,” he said. Michael huffed a breath but ran to do as he was told.

Liz gave Kyle hand sanitizer which he used quickly before accepting the gloves that Michael had given him in record speed. He cleaned off a patch of Alex’s skin with an alcohol wipe and then promptly injected the serum into his bloodstream. A few seconds later, he did the same with the steroid, massaging the injection points and waiting for Alex to wake up. He knew it wasn’t going to make a massive difference, but he could handle it as long as he was awake.

“Get me an oxygen mask,” Kyle directed, moving his fingers to find Alex’s pulse. It was a little stronger, but not as strong as he wanted. Once the mask was hooked up, he removed the cannula from Alex’s nose and put the mask over his face.

“Now what?” Michael asked.

“Now we wait,” Kyle answered.

“And if it doesn’t work?”

“Then we try again.”

Alex opened his eyes slowly.

“Hey,” Liz said, her face hovering over his with a wide smile, “Welcome back.”

“What’s going on?” he groaned, his body aching when he tried to move. Still, he felt more rested than he’d been in a while. In fact, as sore as he was, he felt stronger than he remembered.

“Well, you’ve been asleep for a week,” Liz told him, “But it’s a good thing. It gave your body a lot of time to fight the poison in your bloodstream.”

“Fight it?” Alex repeated. She smiled even wider.

“Yep. I came up with a serum to make it stop spreading, so your blood cells got to work. I’ve still been looking for a cure, but you’re getting better every day,” she said proudly. Alex shut his eyes and tried not to be angry at her for doing exactly what he told her not to. “Don’t get mad, you didn’t sign a DNR.”

“I should’ve,” he said. She frowned at him, but she tried to cover it up. It didn’t work.

“Look who’s here,” she said instead of continuing that conversation, sounding like she was talking to a child as she gestured beside him. He turned his head slightly to see Michael passed out on the pillow beside him. “He’s been awake for like a week making sure you were still breathing, so I didn’t wanna wake him up when you started to.”

“Alex,” Kyle’s voice suddenly said. Alex lifted his head just a little to see the doctor himself sighing a breath of relief. He came over and hugged him incredibly tight. “For future reference, you’re not allowed to die on me.”

“Yeah, well,” Alex sighed, his eyes drifting back to Michael.

“How are you feeling?” Kyle asked, doctor mode replacing the friend mode he’d greeted him with.

Alex just relaxed and let Kyle check over him, continuously looking over to Michael. He remembered him coming over, but the whole situation was blurry. He didn’t remember if they talked at all. He didn’t really remember talking to anyone about anything, honestly. He just remembered wanting to be left alone so he could die in peace and now…

Tears pricked his eyes involuntarily as he realized he went through all that bullshit for nothing. They just brought him back to feel good about themselves and now he was going to be back to square one. He finally had an out and they took that away. Why couldn’t they just let it end?

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Kyle asked. Alex swallowed hard and looked up, trying not to cry. “Alex?”

“Why couldn’t you just let me die? I told you not to find a fucking cure, I told you I didn’t want it,” Alex told him. Kyle blinked in surprise and Michael shifted beside them.

“Alex,” Liz started.

“No, I said I didn’t want it and you did it anyway. I was done, I left things how I wanted, and instead, you brought everyone into my home and made them cure me. I wanted to go on my terms. Why couldn’t you fucking respect that?” he asked, voice straining. Liz and Kyle both just stared at him like deers caught in headlights. “Why are you all so fucking selfish?”

“Are you saying forcing me to watch my best friend die wasn’t selfish?” Kyle asked him.

Alex took a deep breath, his lung burning just a little. He felt tired all over again.

“Yeah, maybe, I’m sorry. But you wouldn’t leave me alone even when I tried to push you away,” Alex said. Kyle stared at him for a minute before nodding.

“Okay,” he said, “When you get better, I think we should look into admitting you into a place that can help you.”

“What?” Alex snapped. Or, tried too.

“Alex, this was almost a suicide attempt. You’re literally telling me that you wanted to die. You need to get help,” Kyle said sternly. Alex didn’t know what to say to that. He couldn’t tell him that he was wrong. Instead, Alex closed his eyes and tried to go back to sleep. He just wanted to be asleep. “Okay. We’ll talk when you’re stronger.”

Pretty soon, two pairs of feet exited the room and left him alone. Sort of.

“Do you really wanna die?” Michael asked softly, childishly.

Alex looked over at him, his eyes wide and scared despite the dark circles beneath them. Alex sighed and Michael scooted closer. He just wanted to go to sleep.

“You can’t die, Alex,” Michael said, “I’d miss you.”

“Yeah, well, you didn’t miss me until you felt guilty, so.”

“That’s not true. I missed you every day, but I thought you didn’t want to see me again. If I knew… If I knew how you were feeling, I would’ve stuck around,” Michael said. Alex stayed silent. “If you die, I’ll never get a chance to make it up to you. None of us will.”

“What makes you think you can?”

Michael scooted a little bit closer and rested his cheek on Alex’s shoulder.

“I don’t know. But you gotta let me try. For that to happen, you gotta get help.”

Alex sighed and stupidly let himself enjoy the feeling of Michael’s breath on his skin. He felt like he always just let this bullshit happen. Michael claimed that he was the one being pulled back and forth, but he didn’t seem to realize his own magnetic fucking qualities.

“Okay, fine, I’ll get help.”

Michael breathed a sigh of relief and scooted even closer, pressing his face into the crook of Alex’s neck.

Maybe he could find a reason to stay alive a little longer.

#malex #malex fic #alex & kyle #alex & kyle fic #roswell new mexico #my fic

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soft-ris · 4 years

Note

HI FRIEND, FOR THE CP: (such a cute idea btw!!!) let me see if i get this right...i cut it short but i have curly hair, dark dark brown but with some really cool natural blonde highlights. i have bluish-silver eyes and i think nice lips, and am around 5'7" (174 cm i think?). i am a WRITER to the core, super creative, ideas hit me 24/7. i really love history and would love to visit ruins someday. movie junkie. i'm sarcastic but like to think to think i'm also funny! I'LL BE 🐄 I HAVE ONE MORE 😫

OKAY ITS 🐄 AGAIN. as i said i really love making people laugh and writing poetry for people. i'm very selfless but often to a major fault lol, not very good at taking care of myself a lot. self esteem? DON'T KNOW HER. but hey, i kinda enjoy cooking, and i really love reading!! (IS THIS OVERSHARING) since we only have jojo in common my top 3 are risotto🖤, DIO⚰ and Jonathan🗡 :^) thank you AGAIN an i hope you have an absolutely wonderful day my dood

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Cupid’s Pick for your match made in heaven is...

...Jonathan!

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I'm very selfless but often to a major fault lol. Not very good at taking care of myself a lot. Self-esteem? DON'T KNOW HER.

The MAIN reason I chose Jonathan was because of this. Jonathan’s a whole gentleman (I mean he basically strived to be one). Kind and sweet and positive and has a heart bigger than both his boobs and ass cheeks combined. He would be the best match up for you because his affirmations and positive attitude and sweetness would be like to honey to your tea, the sugar to your coffee, the whipped cream to your strawberry. He’s the best (out of the characters you’ve given me) in reassuring you. And because of his personality and disposition, you’d be well taken care of (physically especially). Your self-esteem would also flourish because there’s no doubt that he loves you and only you (romantically), and he’d remind and show you for as long as he’s with you. He’d also appreciate your selflessness the most because he’s always out there being selfless, so having it be done to him is just a big uwu for him. I feel like that’s how he shows his devotion and love, and so your selflessness is just top notch in catching his heart. But when you take it too far, he will reign you back in. He may scold you, but you’ll know it’s because he means well and he doesn’t want to see you hurt or exhausted. He’s sincere in that sense, and because of that, you know he means it when he tells you he loves you, when he calls you beautiful, when he says you own his heart and soul because you actually do. In the long-term, I see his personality just helping you improve your self-esteem and self-care and selflessness naturally.

While I was tempted to match you up with Risotto, Jonathan ultimately won out because I do not see him (Ris) doing as well with this aspect of yours (compared to big boy Jonathan). He can translate your selflessness to either being a pushover (when you bend yourself backwards for others, and he’s disapproving of that because he believes you should respect yourself more and may even take you under his wing instead of his bedsheets lol) OR he can interpret this as either your loyalty to him (when you bend yourself backwards for him). With the latter, he may end up taking advantage of it sometimes. This is because I believe he’s so used to having things taken away from him or not having enough of something, so he may subconsciously demand more of you in some manifestation of greed. So you’d end up giving more, he’d end up taking more, and it’s just not a good balance. ESPECIALLY if you say you’re not good at taking care of yourself. I’m not saying he won’t take care of you if you two are dating, but I also think he needs someone who can essentially function well without him (since he’s so busy and has a lot on his plate and can’t always be there for you; I’m not saying you’re a burden bc you’re not, I’m just saying Ris has a lot going on and he doesn’t want to be the reason for your decline in health and mental state if y’all were dating bc he wasn’t there and he will beat himself up over it).

The biggest reason I didn’t pair you up with DIO specifically is because I feel like he would 1000000000000000000000% take advantage of this. He’s not above that and he most likely will not feel remorse for that. Hell, he would 100% enjoy utilizing your disposition to his advantage, and in the long-term (hell, even in short-term), that’s not good for you and your health at all. As shown countless times before, he relishes in power and does not enjoy it when people are of equal or higher standing than him. And because of that, I feel like he would not hesitate to use your low self-esteem and selflessness to further his ego and complex. DIO’s also surrounded by gorgeous people every day, and he wouldn’t bat an eyelash if you were to voice your insecurities to him. Although, he may end up also using sweet reassuring words to you just so you fall under his spell harder (which means it would be easier to manipulate u and ur selflessness) OR he may exploit it and make you feel more insecure but also manipulate you to be more mindlessly devoted to him (it’s easier to use that forehead bug thing but that’s removable). All in all, it would just breed an extremely dependent and toxic relationship between the 2 of you because you would never be his equal, even in a relationship with him. He’s not the antagonist for nothing lol (I’m well aware of his past and the implications/effects it has, but we’ve all seen how he has acted throughout his life and his thought process). 0/10 recommend.

I am a WRITER to the core, super creative, ideas hit me 24/7.

Jonathan would be supportive all around and would love to help you in any way he could. He’d want to read everything you produce too! Overall, extremely proud of your creativity and if you publish a book, he will throw a party, make Speedwagon buy a copy too, and cherishes the first copy you give him.

Risotto would gift you things to help you with this, like books, stationaries, & etc. Would help you out with proofreading and editing too if he has the time. He’s supportive like that and he’s attracted to how you’re so creative and can draw inspiration at all times.

DIO thinks your creativity is admirable. He would also love to read what you write, but is very critical. He’s read so many books, and while preference is subjective, he knows what good writing is (based on genre, style, & etc.). So if it’s not good, you’ll know why from A to Z. And if you get disheartened by him, he will look down on you and call your passion weak.

I really love history and would love to visit ruins someday.

Jonathan seems like he likes travelling in general, so he would love to visit with you too! Might not be super into history, but well, anything will interest this big puppy if you tell him passionately enough.

Risotto looks like he doesn’t mind? Not super interested, not super disinterested either, but will travel with you if he’s able to free up his schedule.

DIO can only go at night, but he looks like he enjoys history and ruins.

Movie junkie.

Jonathan and you would set up a weekly movie night date thing, and he’ll let you pick whenever because he just loves to spend time with youwu. He has some favourites, but if the movie doesn’t interest him, he’ll still sit through it but his attention would be on cuddling you.

Risotto? Kinda depends on the genre? But he looks like the kind to not have enough time to be a movie lover or sit through one for you, so not the best match.

DIO prefers books so he won’t indulge in this love of yours, but if it’s an adaptation from a book he would watch it. But he’ll be a raging bitch if doesn’t match up to the books. Honestly, if he’s uninterested, he won’t be watching it.

I’m sarcastic but like to think to think I’m also funny!

I see Jonathan as someone who enjoys it when his partner can quip back, so while he may not find sarcasm funny most of the time (when aimed at him), he does find it attractive. If you’re sarcastic to the people who give him a hard time, he would kiss you passionately afterwards and who knows… you might even get dicked down after oho. If you’re sarcastic to the people he cares about, he won’t mind if no one’s feelings are hurt.

DIO won’t tolerate being disrespected in any form, even if it’s a joke. I just can’t see him allowing that with that God complex of his lol, but he does find it amusing when you’re sarcastic to other people.

Risotto loves sarcasm, but he has an image to keep. So as long as you don’t undermine or disrespect him (you have to have a 6th sense with the boundaries), he’s more than happy to sass you back or chuckle at it.

I really love making people laugh.

Jonathan and Risotto appreciates this the most. Finds it lovely. Jonathan especially because he finds it so sweet that you want to bring laughter to others. Risotto enjoys a partner who would love to bring more joy into his life. But I see the shit Risotto laughs at as dry or dark or when its real stupid or boomer/dad-like, anything else he’s a little like ‘ok’. Jonathan appreciates the effort alone and would tease you a little if it’s a really bad joke (all in good nature of course).

DIO…he laughs mostly at other people’s demise or stupidity or cluelessness. That’s all I’m gonna say.

I really love writing poetry for people.

Jonathan would SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOON SO hard. He would show it off to Speedwagon and then keep it tucked somewhere safe so he can read it whenever he wants to.

God he’s just so in love with you and he thinks it’s just so romantic of you. He absolutely loves it. Hell, even if it’s not for him, he’s so proud and awestruck because poetry is hard and he’s just so proud whenever he brags about this skill/hobby of yours. He also thinks it’s so sweet of you to write poetry for others and love doing it. Man just has heart eyes all around and I can’t blame him.

DIO would be smug about it for all the same reasons but in a more…condescending way? Like ‘HA. Do you peasants see that? Their talent? You could never lmao’. But would get pissy if you write for others more than you write for him because he should be your #1.

Risotto would say thank you and give you a kiss. Outwardly he won’t show as much (unless you look hard enough and notice the way his eyes soften more, like the way he would smile too, and his cheeks might even have a touch of pink), but he will forever treasure the poem. He also keeps his favorite on him all the time, like a little good luck charm. He doesn’t brag about your talent, but he’ll proudly agree if someone brings it up. Of course, you wouldn’t know all this though (unless you accidentally find out).

I kinda enjoy cooking.

Johnathan has a refined palate because of his upbringing, but he also looks like he’d eat whatever you cook solely because you made it just for him. He’s a gentleman and a sap with a big heart, if he doesn’t like it, he’ll eat it. He might tell you what can be tweaked, but never in a way that makes you feel bad or inadequate. He also looks like he can’t cook for shit lmao, so teach him!! He’s always down to do anything if it means spending time with the love of his life uwu

Risotto and DIO would tell you straight up if they don’t like what you’ve made. The difference is, DIO (if he ain’t a vampire yet) wouldn’t even touch it (anymore after the first bite) lmao, Risotto too but he’d end up cooking with you to teach you how to improve the dish. Of course, he doesn’t do it to shit on you. He appreciates the sentiment, but he’s not going to subject himself to something he doesn’t enjoy if he can help it. Also would turn it into a cooking date with you. DIO would just take over the kitchen and make you watch LOL

I really love reading!!

DIO too! I see Risotto enjoying it as well, but not as much and probably prefers music related hobbies. As for Jonathan, he doesn’t mind it? He’s not the biggest fan of it, but if you read it to him, he’d happily perch his head on your lap and listen to you like an audio book sent from the heavens (but somewhere along the way he will fall asleep KSKSKSK)

DIO would engage in conversations with you on the books (also thoroughly enjoys if you can keep it interesting), Risotto would if he knew the book (but would then just listen and ask questions if he didn’t), Jonathan is just happy to have your attention on him, but would read the book and talk about it with you if you want that.

Your physical appearance description.

Jonathan would just love to play with and admire your hair 24/7, and if his attention isn’t on your hair, then it’d be on your lips. Kissing, brushing his tongue or fingers or **** against your lips, just absolutely loving the shape and feel of it.

And because you’re also tall(-er than average?), kisses are SO much more easier to access and that’s such a plus uwu. I mean regardless of height, he can always just lift you, but he also doesn’t have to bend too far when plopping his head on the crown of ur head too. And if u wear heels or shoes that give u extra height? Power couple goals😩🤘🏼💫

#jonathan joestar #jjba #jojo #jojo’s bizarre adventure #cupids_pick

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fantroll-purgatory · 6 years

Text

@boisonbapple

Hey its me again with another fantroll, and here we have a wonderful heiress

Alternia or Beforus or some type of AU?

Alternia, during the time of after Trizza and before Feferi

Name (preferably include how you came up with it and why):

Peptoe Bizmal, she was named as a joke, her name came before her design, me and a friend were joking on how Peptoe Bizmal was a valid troll name so we used it, also Peptoe is fuchsia and pepto is pink.

OKAY, this name is very funny, naturally, but it’s also like… kinda random. So we have a few options here.

1) We can either change her name to something themeatic like… Evnesc Turnen (a reference to Evanescence and the former lead singer of Nightwish, Tarja Turunen). Or like… Jkilla Ebonee (a reference to Jay Killa from Vampires Everywhere! and, of course, Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven Way).

2) We can KEEP Peptoe Bizmal, but we have to make it fit her theme somehow. Sooo… Pepto-Bismol, otherwise known as Bismuth subsalicylate, is a medicine that is used to help people obvs, but that is also Kinda Toxic. As with all medicines, repeated use is bad. So maybe we can throw it into her themeing personality…wise? Like maybe she’s a great person to be around occasionally (teaberry-flavored personality and all) but if you spend too long with her she can turn toxic on ya real fast. Scene kid DRAMA, y’know. I think if the name Peptoe Bizmal is kept, you’ve GOTTA pull in more Bubblegum Pink, though. When you go Bismol you go full Bismol.

Age:

8 sweeps, or 16 years old.

Strife Specibus:

2x3dentkind, like all fuchsias

Fetch Modus:

Hoodie pocket, item goes into a Hoodie pocket (and it will never fall out) and the user has to wear a sweatshirt with the items in the pocket

See now that’s not a Fetch Modus, that’s just wearing a magic jacket. We need a LITTLE more inconvenience than that.

So you know how like… Scene kid buttons were(/are) a big thing?

Maybe her items get stored as Pins With Edgy Phrases. She has to reach into a Pin Bag and try to sus out which one relates to the item she’s LOOKING for.

Blood color:

Fuchsia.

Symbol and meaning:

Pilo (Prospit + Heart).

Sign of the Spirited.

I like me some hidden signs, they’re on her shoes

Trolltag + Grype:

Kinda lost on this one

Well my first and most obvious joke is sleepingSiren, as a reference to sleeping with sirens LOL. bumblegumBass could be another fun one. bactericidalRomance? panickedFischo? eatedCookie? Okay now I’m having too much fun, but any of those should work.

Quirk:

Lik hOw a sCeNe girl tAlks??? o.O

oh teh noes O_o

Well obviously you gotta be sure to ALWAYS turn “the” to “teh”, use as many x’s and z’s as possible, and use *asterisks for action*. such as when Peptoe *epically glomps her bffzzz >XD*

Special Abilities (if any):

She’s a seadweller and that’s it

Lusus:

Big ol glubglub

Personality:

She’s the highest up so she’s a bit snobby, but is just genuinely friendly most of the time, but she can get snippy and rude if something gets her to be offensive, she kinda sees herself as the best due to being a fuchsia, but she tries to ignore the fact that when she reaches adulthood, she’ll lose the battle against condy, she also tries to act “random” and “quirky” matching that persona she gave herself.

Oh super convincing for a Scene Themed Character. Like I said above maybe she could be a liiil on the toxic side. Like, scene-kid era impulsive lying to be more impressive. Myspace Drama Causing Fool. If you hang out with her for a little while she can be great if kinda… awkward, but her deeper internal feelings of superiority and also general natural can just kinda make you either nauseous or just frustrated after too long 2gether. Best taken in small doses.

I also like the idea that she’s nervous about the Condy thing. Is that why she built this persona? Is she just trying to live it up while she still can? Is it REBELLION against the system but she’s fuchsia so she doesn’t Actually know how to rebel against the system so she does it with eccentric fashion? That’s a great idea. You can expand a lot on that conceit. A character who feels trapped in a situation w/ no way to fight against it can often try to exert control in odd ways.

Interests:

She likes what is considered weird, creepy, and unusual, as well as horrifying cute items too, she likes east alternian animation since not everyone likes it and it’s considered quirky for her to like it as well as she likes emo bands like troll mcr, p!atd, and fob, she finds it fun to go find abandoned places and just hang out there, she likes collecting plushies of not cute things.

This is fun. I wonder if she might be interested in lowblood culture in general then? Or at least interested in co-opting its image a little bit. I mean, if she’s into creepy things and acting Super Quirky and Edgy, she might actually be really into the like, rustblood scene of Ghost Seein’. A lot of younger scene kids during the Scene Boom were really into that habit of pretending they had psychic powers and were really into ghosts. That’s something you could play around with, the idea of her Pretending she TOTALLY has psychic powers like a rust, for sure!!! Yeah she can SUPER talk to the dead. If she likes breaking into abandoned places, she could like hunting for ghosts, too.

Title:

Thief Of Heart

Honestly I miiight chalk her down as a Knight of Heart? She’s got a Whole lotta soul, a whole lotta identity, a whole lotta personhood and doesn’t really know what to do with it or how to utilize her Own self. Instead she relies on redistributing facades and putting up masks. Gotta learn to tune into her REAL feelings instead of hiding them.

Land:

Land of Reflection and Overgrowth.

Overgrowth definitely feels a lil too Lifey for my liking. If I had to pick kind of just aesthetically/themeatically, I might say the Land of Bismuth and Parades. Bismuth is another callback to Pepto-Bismol, and Parades is, OF COURSE, a reference to Welcome to the Black Parade.

Dream Planet:

Prospit

Design time!:

I obvs can’t replicate your really great style in sprite form, but here I go. From the top down:

Hair: The bleached blonde aesthetic just doesn’t work on trolls, so I went with what I kind of assume is similar to a bleached strip in troll culture? Blood Colored Fluff at the back of her hair. I kept the red stripes, but I added the classic Scene Kid Raccoon Pattern.

Face: Since she already had so much color going on, I brought the eye makeup back to that classic Scene Kid Dark Smokey Eye With The Heavy Shadow Under. She also got a Duck Face style lip and both gold snakebites and a gold nose bridge piercing. I added a plug earring on her right fin, because plugs are def associated w/ the scene look that this era Draws From.

Outfit: I brought the shirt down to dark grey just to keep that color balance you were going for. Her belt got gold studs instead of silver and you may notice that she has a raccoon tail pinned to her belt, as was (and maybe still is) common for Scene Kids. Except hers is like. An actual lusus tail. Like she actually took it from another person’s lusus. Don’t worry about it. I brought her skirt to a Rustblood Red to emulate that idea I was talking about, of her ripping off and exploiting lowblood aesthetics.

Shoes/socks: I wanted to keep the sock colors neutral here esp because there’s so little space to work with, so she gets mismatched stripes and checkers in black and white. And her converse have become Pepto-Bismol Pink.

Tiktok Badapp is up next

But she’s my latest fantroll who I’m really happy about

She’s real great! Thank you for sharing!

-CD

#fuchsiablood #tyrianblood #seadweller #submission #boisonbapple #cd review #redesign #review #peptoe bizmal #peptoe #bizmal

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hazyheel · 5 years

Text

Smackdown Live 5/21/19 Review

The night actually started backstage, where Shane McMahon and Elias talked about Elias’s match at Money in the Bank. Elias said that he felt like he let Shane down, and offered to be in Shane’s corner at Super Showdown. Shane said no, but that he would be in his corner during the rematch tonight. A new way to open the show, so I felt good.

The actual opening segment was from the New Day, when Xavier Woods and Kofi Kingston announced that Big E was back in action. He came out with a robe on his head, but when they revealed him it wasn’t Big E. They made fun of whoever this was and then yelled at him to leave. The real Big E then showed up, and he gave the entrance voiceover, and he came out to a big pop. They quickly revealed that Big E couldn’t wrestle yet, and he sniffed his teammates. They addressed Brock Lesnar becoming Mr. Beast in the Bank, and Kofi’s title win on Sunday, but only briefly, as Kevin Owens showed up to spoil the fun, alongside Sami Zayn. Zayn complained that he didn’t get a comeback celebration, and Big E crapped on him and Owens. Owens stormed away as Zayn called the New Day disgusting for encouraging the fans’ toxic nature. Woods began to drown Zayn out with a trombone, and Zayn yelled some more.

Grade: C+. Even the phenomenal mic skills of all of these guys, this still did nothing. It was good from an acting standpoint, but it didn’t serve any purpose. No new information, the definition of filler.

Backstage, Carmella searched for R-Truth, who was disguised with a wig and his new belt. Carmella said he had a bad disugise with a cheap wig (Truth was offended because it cost $12), and Truth begged her for her help. She agreed, and they ran. I’m gonna wait and grade all of these segments collectively at the end of the night.

Then we had Ali vs. Andrade, hopefully this one won’t end in a DQ. Before the match, they announced that Andrade would have a shot at Balor’s IC championship at the super showdown. This was a classic high flying match, with Ali delivering a reverse rana within the first few minutes. Andrade really wanted to get the win via countout, but he really destroyed Ali to get that. Andrade really destroyed Ali with double knees to the back of the head, but only a near fall. Ali then rolled up Andrade for the win.

Grade: B-. A stronger B-, because these guys are really good, but it just felt very telegraphed. The spots weren’t very crisp, and this really felt like it’d be a glorified squash match until the rollup. I think this win means that Ali will be added to the match at Super Showdown, and it is looking better with each match that is added. Because that triple threat would be killer.

Backstage, R-Truth was made into a drag queen by Carmella, complete with a bra, which Truth needed help with because he could never really get them open. Not really feeling this so far, but lets see where it goes.

Then we had Mandy Rose vs. Carmella. Truth came out with Carmella and tried to do her entrance, but could not moonwalk. Commentators pointed out how stupid it was for Truth to still wear the belt, and that he was on TV and everyone knew where he was. Sonya Deville kinda got involved, and Carmella beat her ass in the middle of the ring, which caused a distraction for Rose. However, the entire lowcard ran out to attack Truth, and I think the match ended in a DQ? Or maybe Carmella lost by Countout? I dunno, but imma lump this as a 24/7 segment.

Someone (dunno her name) then interviewed Bayley about her two wins on Sunday. She just said that she was gonna be a great champion and wants people to bring their best.

Carmella and Truth tried to hide in the ladies locker room, but Truth refused and they were chased.

Sami Zayn vs. Kofi Kingston was next, but Big E was assaulted backstage. Kingston assumed that it was Zayn, and beat the crap out of him early on in the match. They didn’t do many spots that were totally incredible, but Kingston won with a trouble in paradise.

After the match, Heyman showed up and teased a cash in. Kofi was ready to fight off Lesnar, but then Dolph Ziggler returned to kick his ass. Ziggler wasn’t injured, but he was basically hired as a higher card enhancement guy at this point. Ziggler went for Kingston’s neck, assaulting it with a chair. Kofi pulled a stretcher job, which went on for a real long time, but he was actually able to walk out on his own.

Grade: B. Fine, but nothing really more than that. I am definitely into Kingston vs. Ziggler, especially now. I smell a WWE championship match at super showdown. Definitey into that. I bumped this up a grade because of the post match angle. When commentators talked about it, they used their serious voices. So this was a serious attack.

Roman Reigns was in the parking lot walking into the building, but Elias was on the top of a trailer and he played him a song on the guitar, saying he’d take the big dog on a walk. I-I don’t know why anyone would do that, it wasn’t intimidating. I’m just kinda baffled.

Then we had a women’s Tag Team match, Lacey Evans and Charlotte Flair vs. Becky Lynch and Bayley. Before the match, Lynch commented that she wanted her Smackdown Women’s Championship back, and while she said that she was happy Bayley is holding it, she looked Bayley in the eye and said she was coming for her next. Also, on commentary, Graves said that he was able to throw a football a quarter mile in high school (I dunno why) and Saxton said that he was surprised Graves could even through a football. Philips just muttered “that was clever Saxton” and I laughed. I like when they acknowledge that Saxton gets one over on Graves. Bayley was beat down by the heels, Lynch got the hot tag. Lynch had a disarmer locked in at one point, but Evans nailed her with a women’s right. Bayley was able to tag herself in, throwing Evans out of the ring and then rolling up Flair for another win.

Grade: C. Another kinda lame tag match. Of course the champions would win here, but I am glad that Bayley went over. Aside from the ending stretch, this was unspectacular and just heels working the faces.

In the last 24/7 segment of the night, Truth nearly got beaten by Jinder Mahal, but he kicked out and fought him off. The B-team then ambushed Truth, but they couldn’t decide who would pin him, so he was also able to fight them off and run away with Carmella.

Grade: D+. Yeah, this gimmick really takes a hurtin when all it is chasing people around. Truth was being pretty funny early on, but this was kinda lame because it was all of the low card guys just chasing people. They kinda had something good when a couple guys actually fought Truth, but that was really it. I hope they do more with this, like showing social media videos of title changes.

Backstage, Ziggler was interviewed about attacking Kingston, but he refused to answer in the interview. Instead he stole the mic and went out for a promo. He said that Kingston didn’t deserve the opportunity at Wrestlemania, Ziggler did. He deserved everything that Kofi got, but he hasn’t gotten it. He sounded like he was about to cry the entire time. He issued the challenge for Super Showdown.

Grade: B. This was an odd promo, but Ziggler kinda pulled it off. He delivered the emotion, and was kinda sympathetic the entire time. Not the route I would have gone, but this was good enough to get a B from me.

Then we had Roman Reigns vs. Elias, the rematch. The two started off with a slugfest, with Elias being fine with cutting some corners during this match. Shane was interfering quite a bit during the match, often distracting Reigns to aid Elias. At one point, Shane saved Elias by putting his foot on the rope. Reigns was pissed and drilled Shane with a drive by, but that was when Elias just wrecked Roman by throwing him around ringside, and an elbow drop for a near fall. Shane then placed the guitar in the ring and Elias grabbed it, only to be speared by Reigns for the win.

Shane attacked after the match, and went to use the guitar himself, but ate a superman punch. Roman was then gonna use the guitar, but Drew McIntyre ran in out of nowhere and nailed him with a claymore to stand tall.

Grade: B. I would have been satisfied with this match on a pay per view, so it was a serviceable main event here. That is one last roadblock between Reigns and McMahon. It sucks that McIntyre needs to get his ass beat too, but that’ll probably happen. Match of the night for me, which is kinda impressive considering that Andrade vs. Ali opened the show.

Overall Grade: C+.

Pros: Ziggler return; Ziggler promo; main event

Cons: Women’s tag; 24/7 segment

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wispythreads · 5 years

Text

Heyo, met another notable Toxic Player in Overwatch, tl dr is that I had to fight against them for a bunch of matches, but unlike other types of rude player encounters I just felt in high spirits by the end of it.

So what I’ve been doing recently, before every match, is writing ‘gl hf!’ (Good luck, have fun) in the match chat, so that it’s addressed to everybody, even the opposing team. Because its a game, and no matter who wins, its important to have fun.

Immediately after writing this in a defense round of Volskaya Industries, where I decided to play Junkrat after playing a lot of healing roles prior, I get a ‘Fuck you,’ which I don’t really take seriously, because I’ve gotten that jokingly a couple of times and nothing else really happens.

The person who wrote this turned out to also be playing Junkrat, and played him pretty decently, though my team’s loss would probably be more the fault of the Hammond and Hanzo on the opposing team, as they were pretty good. I felt that it was a good match, as we had gotten pretty close to winning, and would have won if we hadn’t been barraged by a bunch of ultimates at once near the very end. But, then this person writes that my whole team sucked, and won’t lay off about it, so I decide to write “Chill, dude, it’s just a game. We tried our best, and we had fun.” They keep on going, and I don’t really take it seriously or care about it, so I just write “Shhh.” a couple of times before the next match starts, and during that match they write a couple of gross things, which I’m not going to repeat.

I get the feeling that they’re probably only writing this stuff because they think its funny, so I decide not to take them seriously and just continue replying with ‘chill man’ and ‘shh’ when we lose again and they start writing “you suck” again, over and over.

This goes on for quite a while, to a point where I’m humored by the prospect of a switching sides scenario forcing them to be on the same team as me, especially when they start targeting me, specifically, with the “you suck” chant, and start calling me a noob. At one point they even said “fight me in real life.”

But then, the tide turns on Horizon Lunar Colony. We start with defense, and I play Moira, doing my best to keep everyone alive while we damage the opposing team. We win, and I don’t do anything aside from write “GG,” the same as I had done in all the other matches, up until this person goes on again about how I suck. I simply reply, “Man, don’t be like that!” and decide to tell them that I think they’re a pretty decent player, and that I just wished that they weren’t so rude to people. They continue with responding that I’m a noob, which, y’know, whatever, and then say something along the lines of “Don’t lie! I suck at this game” which makes me feel even more like this is all just joking, so I take everything they’re saying even less seriously, and just feel in really good spirits when we start Horizon again on attack, with me playing as Zenyatta.

I stick with Reinhardt the whole time, and we managed to capture both points, meaning that we win again. I’m just happy to win, and to have helped my team, so I’m earnestly surprised when I see that I got PotG. It wasn’t particularly amazing, just an Ult right at the end that helped my team stay alive and capture the point, but it felt good and left me happy.

Then the rude player pipes up again, targeting me specifically again, by saying that “will o wisp sucks at apex legends.” I told them that I didn’t play that game, and then asked if it was actually a game, because I hadn’t heard of it before and was curious. They then asked “are you that cripple kid from malcom in the middle“ “Haven’t watched that either.” I reply. “you are not very fun” they say, to which I simply and jokingly reply “Sh.” After which, they say “everything prior to this was a joke but honestly you suck,” and then they left.

At first I felt a little confused. I knew it was a joke, I wasn’t taking anything seriously, and had assumed that they weren’t taking me very seriously either. So, here are the various ways I’ve interpreted this:

1. They got pissed off that we were finally winning, and especially pissed off at me because of how I had been responding to them and that I was a support hero who got PotG, while they mainly played Junkrat. They didn’t seem like a very good sport, due to all those ‘you suck’ chants I mentioned earlier, so this seems likely

2. They got bothered by the fact that, no matter what they were saying to me, it didn’t bother me. I didn’t throw a hissy fit, or curse at them, or do anything aside from telling them to chill out, to enjoy the game, and always saying ‘gl hf!’ before every match and closing with ‘GG’ every time the game ended, regardless of whether we lost or won. The things they said that they were used to using to piss off other people wasn’t working on me, either because I didn’t understand it or I just let it wash off my back, and it irritated them.

3. While I wasn’t taking them very seriously, they didn’t know that I knew this was just all a big joke to them, so they were taking me very seriously. While I responded to them in a mostly joking manner, they thought that I was dead serious about my interaction with them, and was both annoyed and irritated by my constant use of “chill man” in response to their jokingly unchill phrases and responses, hence why by the end of it they admit that everything earlier was just a joke, but that they seriously think that I suck now.

I honestly don’t know who ‘that crippled kid from’ Malcolm in the Middle is, as I honestly haven’t watched that show, so maybe it is a nice comparison, but based on the way the person phrased it I don’t really think it was meant to be a nice comparison. Anyway, I can’t claim to know what was going on in this dude’s mind, but based on how mean-spirited and gross they were acting in the chat, it felt good when they left, after we won two times compared to the (maybe) four times that we lost to them and their team, and after I had done nothing mean or felt any sort of anger towards them for our entire interaction.

I almost feel like sending them a friend request, mostly as a joke, as I doubt they’d accept it, but I hope that wherever that player is they know that I wasn’t really taking them seriously at all and mostly joking around with them as well.

#overwatch #bit of play experience

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icharchivist · 4 years

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Ramble about the Hisoka&Chikage dynamic (w/ spoilers for the two Winter Play Events and chapter 5) and more personal stuff under the cut

Either way the thing i found really cruel with the Chikage arc is that, Hisoka was already on top of my fav list, but since he was amnesic he wasn’t defined by much aside from “his amnesia most likely come from his trauma”, and learning that he has a guilt complex/is responsible for someone’s death and it’s likely that this death is what triggered the amnesia, and that’s it.

and i thought i was safe with that bc What Could Go Wrong meanwhile i could relate on being a Sleepy Bitch like Hisoka (hell i used to be able to sleep ANYWHERE before and often fell asleep in class or in a corner on trip, before anxiety indulced Insomnia started to kick my ass.) and i have memories issue, trauma babey, so like, My Kin Now:tm: (i have more reasons but that’s the funny short version)

but then the Winter Chapter ended with the April’s cliffhanger and the thing is that i was aware of Chikage’s cards and i knew of that one card from the “past self” set which was matching with Hisoka, so it was obvious that Chikage=April and that Chikage and Hisoka both were spies

and it fucked me up and from all the rookies’s build ups from the events it’s Chikage’s that fucked me up the most bc he specifically appears in Winter chapter, makes it clear he’s lurking on Hisoka LIKE THIS IS CHIKAGE’S FIRST APPEARANCE

IS WHEN TASUKU PICKS UP HISOKA AFTER HE COLLAPSES.. AND NOW WE KNOW IT WAS CHIKAGE’S ROLE..... HE LITTERALLY SLIDES ON SCREEN TO DECIDE TO TAKE ACTION ON HISOKA WHILE SEEING SOMEONE FILLING HIS ROLE OF CARETAKER OF HISOKA.....

And then Chikage leaves Hisoka flowers saying it “means a lot to him” to send those flowers and considering the whole Flower Language in the game it had to be on purpose so i checked up the flowers he sent Hisoka and i’m a crying mess

Second Winter Play:

(red pre chap 5, green post chap 5)

Third Winter Play:

and i’m a messssss because while the first one can have resentment in it it also showcase the specific grief Chikage denied himself to feel??? even the grief he felt FOR Hisoka. But the second one is so positive and hopeful like Chikage doesn’t WANT to turn on Hisoka like he planned and i’m a fucking disaster.

COUGHS anyway i got lost but, the thing is that, the fact the direction they took with the complex relationship between the three siblings is. The sort of sibling relationship i connect with because this is closer to what i can relate.

it is a similar reason why i’m fascinated with the Wales brothers in gbf, with the fact the youngest brother had to bear the burden of his older brother disappearing and his other brother going off rails and taking it out on him, before being torn by guilt and realizing he ought to make it up to his brother.

And if you boil down the Hisoka/Chikage/August storyline it’s the same thing happening, except Chikage specifically BLAMED Hisoka for August’s death, and Hisoka felt guilty and responsible and beared that burden.

And honestly i already connect much more with sibling dynamics when the youngest of the bunch is bearing the burden of their dynamic bc, mood.

But, as someone who had my eldest sister ran away from home when i was a kid and my other sister turning on me and pushing me away because, as she told me ways later, she badly lived the abandon and she knew i was closer to my eldest sister so she pushed me away in a form of jealousy AND the fact we were not allowed to talk about my runaway sister, we had to act like she never existed, and it was extremely frustrating so my sister shifted the blame on me

bc Chikage was always a bit jealous of how close Hisoka and August were and then when August died, with the inability to process his grief, he had to blame Hisoka.

And like, if the Wales Brothers’ dynamic punched me in the face, this was a suckerpunch because bro that hit, ways too close from home??? on a character i already kinda can project on?? (even though my behavior and coping mechanisms are closer to Azuma bc of the shared Abandon Issues and all but man it’s not like i had nothing on Hisoka yaknow?)

And, meanwhile, Hisoka and Chikage fixed their relationship. They opened up about their trauma, they cleared it up, they decided to heal together and getting better, and this is something that’s fucking me up a LOT because... it’s not something i can have? My sister and I shared our trauma but we’re still so distant and so caught in our parents’s bullshit that my sister KEEPS shifting the blame on me for anything going wrong with our family, especially lately with our dad.

It was something that made me irrationally emotional with the Wales bro already but here destroys me, the fantasy of /fixing/ it. The fantasy of, after this hardship, managing to realize they can rely on one another and be there through their trauma. And, for Hisoka and Chikage, this desire to rebuild their family, in a less toxic environment. It’s something i can’t have, and don’t even really /want/ because the relationship with my sister is too damaged and we’re too different as people, but the fantasy of it being a possibility somewhere makes me weak on my knees.

(+ tbh a3 is HEALING bc with the Wales bro, the youngest is still the most responsible one, he still has to carry this burden, he has so much on his shoulders, and it’s... heavy when you get to project a bit on his story. While Hisoka is, on the contrary, encouraged to rest in order to recover. He’s encouraged to keep sleeping, to do stuff he likes, to nurse himself back to health, and this is so HEALING to have to see the characters who’s trauma you relate to being told that they don’t have to just “carry on” but, that they can be safe to rest now. (likewise with Azuma who’s also encouraged to rest and take care and rely on others without being punished about pushing people away. Instead it’s his friends picking up how to read him to counter Azuma’s first instict that is to isolate himself, without lecturing him about how he shouldn’t do that.), a3′s way to tackle trauma and recovery is seriously getting to me SO BAD like, it’s really healing to me)

Adding to that that, independantly to it all, I genuinely adore Chikage, he’s fun, he’s sneaky, he’s an ass, but he cares so much, and everything is because he cares ways too much, he’s so damaged and was never allowed to have room to get better and now he does, and he built so much walls around himself, his lies are just that (i’ve seen someone call it gas//l//ighting and DEAR LORD learn the meaning of words he doesn’t do that AT ALL) he just lies to throw off people, he tells people right away that he lies, even when it would protect him to keep on the charade (see his lie to Sakyo to cover up when he kidnapped Izumi), they’re walls in order to keep people away, to keep them from asking about him, and like he says to Tsuzuru because there’s weakness to be exploited in the truth, which is a paranoia that is completely legit to have when he’s litterally an informant/hacker spy??

he’s completely different from my sister, which is ironic, but therefore i do not even manage to project this thing fully on him. Hell, i crush on Chikage. I have terrible taste but good lord he’s been appearing in my dreams every day lately what the fuck Chikage. (litterally my top 3 chara is just “1) Kin in regard to the lore, 2) Kin in the coping mechanism, 3) Crushing ways too hard on him, am a total simp”)

Also meanwhile the fact the whole ending is “we’re leaving the organization (which was their family), we have a found family now, but together” is peak fantasy for someone like me and i’m always crying over the Mankai Found Family, but just, going “screw the previous family”? but..... the two of them together? I’m a mess. Especially adding to the fact Hisoka got SO close to the Winter Troupe and with the course of the events it really shows how precious they became to one another, this found family remains so precious to Hisoka (hell he bothers Homare and Tasuku as much as he bothers Chikage dLKFJD) he just, wants Chikage to experience this happiness too instead of letting himself collapse under his trauma and i’m!!! aaaah!!

So yeah what i’m getting at is, that, I thought i would be safe from Hisoka’s arc, that i wouldn’t be this emotionally invested in it, i was already too emotionally invested in Azuma’s bc Azuma has my coping mechanisms, but instead the plot took me by the throat with the direct sibling dynamic i REALLY feel for, it hit WAYS too close from home, with a storyline i can HEAVILY empathize with, and feel pain for both Hisoka and Chikage because i get both sides so hard, and i HAD to fall for one of those morons.

I’ve been playing a3 for over a year, started playing when the EN server lautched, and i had been emotionally involved in all of it, a LOT, i’ve played it every day in over a year, i’m up to date with everything, i feel so much for it, but despite that i felt like i was keeping it mostly lowkey, like i wasnt /obsessed/

but this storyline ruined me. This storyline brought this lowkey obsession to highkey at full speed.

And all of that bc i genuinely loved Hisoka before those truthbombs, that those made me love him even more, that Chikage became SO loveable and has been living in my mind rentfree ever since, and that the dynamic they touch is both too close from home while also being unrealistic (as in how they fixed their dynamic), but in a “fantasy i love to indulge in” kind of unrealistic and it is destroying me.

so yeah, A3 good, i can’t get over how GOOD the writing is, but also that fucking wrecked me.

#i've been a mess for months now aaaaaa #ichatalks about a3 #ichapersonal #(i'm talking about some of my family issues under the cut so DLKFJDLFK that's why the warning anyway)

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valhallansim · 7 years

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Hey! So I'm on my way to becoming a hanzo main. I love him to death. But it's so disheartening because whenever I join a game and choose him my team are like... no >:[ and I get so much abuse it's even worse because I'm a girl and when I start trying to defend myself they either just stop talking altogether (like why tho I'm not scary?) or the insults just get worse. It's really turning me away from ranked :/ is it just a hanzo thing or a girl thing or both argh I'm so stressed. I just wana play

I’m so sorry to hear you are having to deal with these kinds of toxic arseholes. Sadly, I know exactly what it’s like to be called out for the characters I play or because of the fact that I’m a girl. So, because this is an issue that is very dear to my heart, I will respond to this with a wall of text. Beware!

Let me start off by saying this.

Never, ever, ever, ever let sexist behaviour stop you from enjoying the games you play.

Under no circumstances let them stop you from using the features of the game you want to use, just because you are of a certain gender or you sound a certain way. Keep playing. Keep your head high. It will get better eventually - if they keep hearing women, if they keep seeing women in their games - we will have a future in gaming where women are an unquestioned part of. Please, never stop doing what you love in gaming because of sexist behaviour. Sometimes, it will be hard when you encounter vile people that are determined to ruin your day - you are allowed to be upset, but do not let it stop you from enjoying the game.

You are allowed to play your game. There’s girls out there playing the game you are playing now. In a lot of cases, you paid good money to play the game you want to play. You are allowed to play it the way you want to, just like they do. Your gender does not make you worse.

About encountering sexismEven if it might feel like your reports do not make a difference: please, please report EVERY. SINGLE. ARSEHOLE. you come across and clearly state in the report that they are showcasing sexist behaviour if this is the case. I contacted Blizzard support a while ago because of a very vile player that threatened to find my IP address (which is impossible - Blizzard support ensured me), find my house and come there to rape, beat and ddos me. If people, be it in Overwatch or any other Blizzard game, are threatening you about harming you in real life, you are allowed to make a seperate report via the Support section on the Blizzard website. This will bring you in contact with a Game Master that you can correspond with and that will manually ban a player for you if necessary. The person from Blizzard Support that I had contact with was very adamant in letting me know that reports do help, and they do try their hardest to punish players for their behaviours.

So, with that out of the way: a lot of people will tell you to just mute and block the person that is being toxic towards you, but I do not think that solves the problem, at all - nor does it make you feel better. I will be honest and say that I have always gone against the person that insulted me for being a girl and turned it into a toxic back-and-forth of insults, often to the point of the person in question resulting to throwing the game because I was too quick to shot their toxic behaviour down with remarks. When people start insulting you for whatever reason, especially just because of sexist behaviour, I advise you to do one of 2 things:

1. If it makes you feel better, make a snide remark back, but do not make my mistakes and continue the conversation if it escalates. Because I know it can be very hard to come up with something witty the second something is happening, here is a tiny list of some of the things I have said to arseholes:

Sometimes they will mistake you for a so-called ‘squaker’, also known as a young boy that hasn’t grown into his adult voice yet (NOTE: there is absolutely nothing wrong with being young and playing games, however some people will be very hostile towards any young-sounding people). “Wow, shut the hell up, stupid kid.” to which I always respond, “Oh, you don’t know what an actual real life woman talking sounds like? Figures.”

“LOL you sound like one of those triggered feminists” > “I don’t know, the only one that seems pretty ‘triggered’ about there being a girl in-game is you” or “I thought that Reddit meme was declared unfunny months ago” or “Nice joke, did you find that one on the internet yourself?”

“Why do all girls play Mercy/Support/D.Va?” > “Why do all arseholes play [insert their character here]?”

“Girls can’t play” / “Oh, it’s a girl, we’re going to lose” / “No wonder we’re losing, we have a chick on the team” > “Oh, is that why we are losing? I mistook you for some guy that can’t play all along”

And the famous ones “Get back into the kitchen” / “Suck my dick” / “Make me a sandwich” > “Please let me know when you find some original insults” or “Nice. I think 2005 called and it wants it insult back”

What also often helps when all else fails is to just burst into obnoxious loud laughter, even if you don’t think it’s funny. It will make them feel ridiculed and have them shut up, even if it’s for a few seconds

However, never let the situation escalate to the point where you lose your focus on the game. After making a remark, drop the issue and report them. If they continue insulting, mute them - and tell your team you did so. “Alright, this guy is muted, let me know if he says something useful (like callouts, warnings, ult charge, et cetera)”. I know it’s very hard, and if you are anything like me, you will get very upset and angry (especially if you have been through this many times before), because it is not fair. It’s not fair that you have to justify being a girl, or choosing a type of hero just because some arsehole decided to comment on it. However, your wellbeing is a priority. If you need to turn off voice chat, if you need to leave the chat or disable it - do it.

2. Completely ignore them, but stay active in chat and voice. Act like they do not even exist. The second they start talking to you, making insults, trying to provoke you - either mute them, or just completely ignore them. Instead, try to still be active in voice chat and make helpful callouts, let people know there’s a flanking Genji, tell them about your ult progress, et cetera. Nothing is more infuriating to someone like that to be ignored and then still having their ‘victim’ enjoy the game.

Never hesitate to leave voice chat, team chat or match chat if you need to. Do not be scared to use this feature if you are bothered by what is happening. It can be a breath of fresh air to just play the game without having to worry about people commenting on you or on your performance.

About encountering hate for playing a certain characterIn the case of Quick Play and Arcade: simply said, fuck ‘em. QP and Arcade are there for you to have fun in and try out new heroes and strategies, to just relax with your favourite hero, and to have fun. If people start complaining about your choice of hero - mute, immediately. It doesn’t matter if you win or lose in QP or Arcade. You don’t need their help - you are there to have fun.

However, Competitive is about winning games. Even though I encourage you to play heroes you are comfortable with or you want to play, try to see what is fitting for your team and switch your hero if it is not working out. ‘Maining’ a hero is a good think, being a ‘onetrick’ is not! (meaning: if there is a main hero you are best with, that’s great - but if it’s the ONLY character you can play, that poses a problem for your team)

That does not mean you let yourself be bullied into switching a character, even in Competitive. As soon as things start going bad for your team, a lot of people will have the tendency to blame the ‘weak link’ of the team - aka the person they think is contributing the least, which is often the hero pick they do not agree with. Hanzo, Sombra, Widowmaker, and plenty of other heroes are good examples of that. However, just because people are playing the blame game and have decided that you, as a Hanzo, are not doing well, does not mean you immediately have to switch. In a lot of cases, you might not even be at ‘fault’ for your team not doing well. Try to keep a clear head and assess the situation to see if there’s something YOU can do to make a difference. Are you doing enough for your team? Are you getting kills? Are you staying alive well enough? Are you getting enough damage in? Are you not dying constantly?

If you are fond of playing a hero a lot of people deem ‘unfit’ or ‘not meta’ and you know some people are going to have an issue with it, just communicate. When starting a match, just say something in chat like: “hey guys! I am a Hanzo player, it’s the character I’m most comfortable with and I can do well with him. If it’s not working out, I will switch, don’t worry! I can play [characters you are able to play], as well.” In some cases, you might have to compromise and play a different hero. That’s okay! Competitive is about winning - but do not play heroes you are not comfortable with. My advice is to learn 1 or 2 heroes in every category - so at least 1-2 tanks, 1-2 supports and 1-2 DPS you are good with. When starting a match, just feel free to pick the hero you want to play and communicate with your team with what you guys need to get a good composition going.

Please do not be discouraged by people being rude. Ranked is very hard in that matter that people are very scared of losing their precious SR and do not want to lose. Therefore, toxicity is higher there. Partly, Blizzard is at fault here for not enforcing a stricter banning and reporting system, but if we are to believe what they are telling us, that is getting fixed, soon.

I myself am taking a break from Ranked play for the moment. I was close to hitting Grandmaster, but my own frustration plus toxicity has ruined the experience for me for the time being. Sometimes all you need is a step back for some perspective.

Please just have fun and try to focus on your own personal addittion to your team. Even if you lose, you will know you did well in the end and helped your team in the best way you could have.

I hope my giant rant can help you and others somewhat. Sorry if it comes across sort of rambly, but I have a lot of feelings about sexism in games, haha. You do you and play the game the way you want to! ♥

#language cw #swears cw #adult language cw #sexism cw #long post #valhallan replies #nonsims #Anonymous

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thecatwhosleepsin · 7 years

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[Book Review] Sad Girls

Sad Girls by Lang Leav

Genres: Fiction, Young Adult, Contemporary

Date Published: May 30, 2017

Publisher: Andrews McMeel Publishing

Pages: 320

Rating: 2/5

Youth is wasted on the young.

I can’t say I had high expectations for this book.

Over the stretch of time that has lapsed between her last and latest publication, my senior writing peers have taken up the responsibility of removing Lang Leav from the immeasurably high pedestal in my heart. I fell in love with her first book, you see. Love and Misadventures became my holy grail in poetry when I read it when it was first published. Her points when it came to love and loss was so acute, she put stars in my eyes.

after that, I bought more of her books as soon as they were published (despite the obvious hole it left in my wallet). The magic of her words slowly faded. I know where her words were coming from, but I’m not that sure if she was writing for herself now. That’s how I felt after Lullabies, Memories, and The Universe of Us but I brushed the thought the instant it came to mind and thought,

Nonsense. I’m reading too much into it. All writers struggle to write for themselves to justify the truth they know and want to impart.

But deep inside I still asked myself,

Is her poetry the only poetry I know?

And it was true, I never knew the classics. Name one famous dead poet and I wouldn’t even have a clue.

But let’s put aside the matter of my doubts regarding her credibility as a poet, let’s talk about her new book.

In the dying embers and blackened twigs of a ravaged forest, who could distinguish where the first spark was lit? Only the arsonist knows the exact location on which the first match was struck.

It is Audrey Field’s final weeks in school when she shatters the already precarious nature of her life and of everyone she knows with a single, repulsive lie. It leads to a dangerous chain of events -the death of her melancholic classmate Ana, the start of her breathless panic attacks, her best friend Candela throwing her life away, the spark of an ill-timed romance with Ana’s enigmatic boyfriend Rad, and the revelation of a deadly secret.

“I think it’s because we romanticize the past. We give it more than it deserves.”

Sad Girls revolves around writers, the mass effect of uttering a thoughtless lie, the value of friendships, the meaning of true love, freedom, finding one’s place in the world, heartbreaks, (wasting) second chances, dreams, uncovering false appearances and the significance of the truth -which brings me to my admission that I didn’t quite like this one.

Audrey is one of the biggest reasons. You could imagine my incredulity upon finding out what kind of horrible lie that caused, not only hers, but everyone’s lives to fall apart. INCEST. Between her classmate and her OWN father. No lie is more disgusting and I couldn’t believe she said it, so casually and I quote, earnestly to her best friends (one of which was Ana’s close friend), just for the heck of it and didn’t even bother to take it back right then and there. No sane person would ever do that, and I felt that the remorse and guilt that attacked her until the end of the novel wasn’t enough punishment for her ridiculous tongue.

There were handful of times where her words went far out of line. She also didn’t endeavor to completely mend her rocky relationship with her mother. She surreptitiously sneaked around her boyfriend’s back to hung out with the boyfriend of the sad girl whose demise was brought upon her revolting lie. She wasn’t the least honest about her obligated relationship with Duck to him, to everyone and to herself.

There were also a lot of loose ends to tie up. Like the ambiguity of Candela’s relationship with Ana.

Candela:

“I know what you’re implying about me and Ana, and do you know what? It’s none of your fucking business.”

Ana (about Rad):

I know he thinks he’s in love. But he has no idea what love is. Not yet anyway.

So, it’s safe to assume that Ana wasn’t really in love with Rad, and Candela saw her as more than a sister figure from the way she got into a bad crowd, resorted to drugs and became highly sensitive when anyone brought her up. Seeing how intense her grief is, affection for her deceased close friend is definitely possible since Candela’s first fling was also a female, and maybe, Ana also reciprocated her feelings since she had a picture of her in the locket she immensely treasured (enough to be used as a bookmark). Most likely Rad had suspected it, knew it wasn’t him in her locket all along and only looked inside for confirmation and to appease Audrey’s suggestion.

If Duck’s man periods level on extremes (pitiful Audrey putting up with every single one of it), he becomes downright terrifying in post breakups, especially when he’s drunk. He was blinded by love (obsession?) for Audrey, and it was almost touching until he raged in front of her window, his chivalry evaporated into thin air.

I wanted to see more of his character development from when Audrey broke up with him because no matter what, even when there were several moments where I adored his tenderness and sweetness, his lasting impression was a psycho (from his bipolar mood swings), even after he found a new girl and quoted to Audrey,

“Everything happens for a reason.”

Also, WAS I THE ONLY ONE WHO ABSOLUTELY ADORED GABE? I mean, he was the normal one out of all Audrey’s love interests. Optimistic and funny, he was a ball of sunshine and he deeply respected her boundaries as well, completely unassuming and only acting upon his feelings as long as Audrey allowed it. Bittersweetly, he chose to let her go, wishing for nothing but her happiness.

“I don’t think I can do the friend thing. Not with you.”

HE WAS SUCH A KEEPER. AUDREY, YOU IDIOT. YOU MISSED THE ROAD TRIP OF YOUR LIFE.

Rad, on the other hand, was your typical enigmatic hottie with heterochromatic eyes which only intensified the mystery that veiled around him. Witty and well-acquainted with the woes of a writer, he charmed his way to Audrey’s broken, guilt-ridden heart.

From the start, I was always skeptical about him. Initially, I thought that his refusal to talk about anything regarding Ana, his easygoing attitude and his desire to frequently spend time with Audrey were commonplace actions of one who was grieving the death of his love. I believed he was trying to move on from her by ignoring the fact, but it was so much more. He was trying to bury the guilt —through writing, finding someone new, ripping a suicide note from his girlfriend’s diary and keeping it, maybe to convince himself that she wanted the accident.

He was the most cowardly of all the characters in Sad Girls, I concluded. The only answer I could piece together from his inhumane decisions was that his mental health degraded during his relationship with suicidal Ana. It’s toxicity retained in himself and jumbled up the meaning of what’s right and wrong. I mean, after unintentionally killing your own lover and staging it as suicide, guilt was bound to eat you up and squeeze the truth from you. But his conscience didn’t work or maybe, it was long dead anyway. He had no decency, even continuing his life, pursuing his aspirations and a girl who was obviously taken. (She matched his standards —sad, lonely and broken.)

Though the book ended on a really disturbing note, I could say Audrey and Rad were perfect for each other, running away from the grave sins they had committed to start over a clean slate, neglecting their conscience, fulfilling their dreams like the past was just nothing and Audrey leaving her doting friends in the dark.

Two wolves bound to devour each other alive.

The liar and the killer. Bonnie and Clyde. Harley and Joker. Bring on the titles.

And before I come into a conclusion, let me express my rage: WHY DID MY CINNAMON ROLL FREDDY HAVE TO DIE? WHY DID SWEET SWEET LUCY HAVE TO BE MISERABLE? THEY’RE THE MOST DESERVING COUPLE WHEN IT COMES TO HAPPINESS, WHY BREAK THEM APART? The truth will come out eventually. No need to destroy the most lovable (and cheesiest) couple in the book.

Sheesh. My gut was right when it was feeling uneasy as I went through Lucy’s odd mini-speech:

“But he was my first real boyfriend. I don’t have anyone else to compare him with. What if he isn’t the love of my life and I’m just sticking with him because I’ve never known anything else?”

There you go, Lucy.

In Sad Girls, Lang Leav skirts through sensitive subjects with the aloofness and subtlety of a freight train. But I greatly appreciated her raw tribute to writers.

“But I don’t think all writers are sad. It’s the other way around —all sad people write. It’s a form of catharsis, a way of working through things that feel unresolved, like undoing a knot. People who are prone to sadness are more likely to pick up a pen.”

As a debut novel, it wasn't so much of an okay shot, but I would’ve loved it more if she imposed the writing style she uses when composing prose. Despondency, Dead Butterflies, Rogue Planets, The Professor and Three Questions were some of my favorites. Years back when I first read them, I believed I was given a glimpse of how she would write her novel in the near future and I was considerably excited. Now, it’s not that she disappointed me. It’s just that somehow I just knew it would come to this and it’s okay. I’m a patient girl. She will overcome herself, especially when everyone is given chances and has the right to use them (excluding Audrey and Rad though, unless if they did it the right way).

I am always rooting for my childhood favorite and I hope to see her considerably grow in the next years to come. Meanwhile, let me say:

My youth (and money) is wasted on this book.

This has been a quite long review, and I thank anyone who has spent time to read my thoughts!

And one last thing, Ana’s notion of love, though maybe solid truth to others, will continue to haunt me:

The truth is, everyone wants to believe they’re in love but no one really is. So to all the girls out there who are stuck between two minds about some stupid crush, I have news for you. If you have to wonder, if you have to question what you feel, then deep down you actually don’t give a shit. As for the rest of you who don’t get it, welcome to the club. If you know what it’s like to want someone so much you would kill for them. If you know what it’s like to feel someone so deep under your skin you would sacrifice everything to protect them —even if it screws up your own moral compass so you can’t see right from wrong. If you’re like me, then let me leave you with this: That’s what love is. Don’t let them tell you any different. Don’t tell yourself otherwise.

#lang leav #sad girls #book review #contemporary #fiction #romance #mental illness #young adult

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